#Sonic somewhere in the distance: ''what the fuck are you even talking about''

[sage-nebula]

Notes: I've been replaying Night in the Woods and I'm unable to get this little crossover idea out of my head. Set after Sonic Frontiers and after the main storyline of Night in the Woods, and slight AU where Tails is 11 or 12 instead of 8, so he can be closer in age to Lori, who is canonically 14 (I want him to have a friend closer to his own age). The idea here is that Tails has happened upon the tiny town of Possum Springs in his travels, and for some reason or another decides to crash there for a while, both literally and figuratively. For those who haven't played Night in the Woods, all you have to know is that Lori is a 14yo mouse who loves horror movies and lives out by the train tracks, on Chestnut Street.

- - -

It was weird, how peaceful and comforting just lying in the dirt could be. Tails stretched his legs out, letting his heels thump against the metal rail of the train tracks, and a similar thump from behind him told him Lori had done the same on the other side. They stretched out between the two sets of tracks, facing opposite directions, their heads next to each other. The sky above was grey and thick with clouds. Every now and again, a drop of rain fell and splattered against Tails’ forehead. For some reason, he didn’t mind much.

“I like going to sleep out here sometimes,” Lori said. Tails tilted his head to look at her, but she was staring up at the sky above. He tilted his head back to do the same. “The excitement of the trains rushing by makes it easier to sleep. I just pretend like I’m homeless, and go to sleep.”

“I was homeless once,” Tails said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, for a few years when I was little. My brother and I just . . . wandered around.” And fought badniks and Eggman’s mechas and— “It took a few years for us to get my first workshop.”

“And then you lived in a workshop?”

“It has a house area too, with a bed and a kitchen and stuff. But I really wanted a place to be able to store my tools and work on my inventions, and we needed a hangar to keep the Tornado out of the rain so she wouldn’t rust.”

“I thought your plane was called the Cyclone?”

“Mine is. Sonic’s is the Tornado. She’s back home, unless he took her out recently.”

“Oh, gotcha.”

The ground rumbled, the vibrations cruising up Tails’ spine and through his ribs, and he pulled his feet off the tracks. Moments later a train rushed down them, and from the gust of wind that kicked up behind him, he knew one was passing by on the other side of his head, too. It took a few minutes, but when the train passed, both Tails and Lori stretched their legs out again, letting their feet clatter against the train tracks.

“Was it hard?” Lori asked after a moment.

“Was what hard?”

“Being homeless. I’ve always wondered what it was like. You know, when I’m laying out here sleeping.”

“Not really? I was really little, so I didn’t do too much. Sonic took care of everything; I just followed him.” Because even back then, he was a follower. He just tagged along, not a thought or care in the world about the burden he was imposing on Sonic by doing so. Sonic had never complained—at least, not to Tails directly. But then, he wouldn’t, would he? Even though he had only been eleven himself. Even though they’d had to hustle pool to get enough money for food, something Tails had thought had been fun at the time, although it must’ve been stressful for Sonic, far more than just caring for himself had been. Tails laid his arms across the coiling guilt in his stomach, and closed his eyes as a raindrop splattered against his forehead. “Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“Why did you?”

Tails shrugged, as best he could while still lying on the ground. “It was just . . . better than where I was, I guess. And I wanted things to be better. I wanted to be better.” And he still did, and still wasn’t.

“It was better being homeless?”

“Yeah.”

“What about your parents?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Oh.” A beat of silence, then, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be prying. I won’t do it again. I’m sorry, I’m—”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Tails pushed himself up on his elbows to look over at her, but Lori was very determinedly not looking at him, staring up at the sky as she took in shallow breaths. “I don’t mind, it’s fine. They disappeared a long time ago. I don’t even remember what they looked like. It’s okay. Okay?”

“Mm.” Lori gulped down a few more breaths of anxious air, still not looking at him, her whiskers twitching as her fingers toyed with the zipper on her jacket. Tails laid back down, figuring it was probably better to let Lori calm down on her own, rather than try to force her to.

It never helped when people tried to badger him out of panic attacks, after all.

The ground rumbled beneath them again, and as one they pulled their feet back from the tracks. The wind that gusted over them was nice; it ruffled through Tails’ fur not unlike the wind that teased it when Sonic sprinted past, although thinking of that made a bittersweet pang take root in his chest. He pushed it away.

When the trains passed, and they had their feet on the tracks again, Lori spoke again. “My mom’s gone, too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. My dad’s still here, though. When he hasn’t been drinking.”

Tails frowned. “That’s . . . not great.”

“No. But it means I can go wherever I want, at least. That’s kinda cool.”

“I guess.” Tails scuffed the heel of his shoe against the rail of the train tracks. “Is there anywhere you want to go? Away from Possum Springs, I mean. I could take you in the Cyclone.”

“I’ve got school tomorrow.”

“We could be back by tomorrow.”

Lori hummed. “I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.”

Comfortable silence fell again. Tails could hear birds twittering in the trees nearby, and the distant woosh of cars driving down the street.

“What about you?” Lori asked. “Where do you want to go after this? Back home?”

“No,” Tails said, even as he had to swallow against the yearning he felt to fall asleep to the sound of the Mystic Ruins waterfall, or the comforting smell of metal and oil from his workshop. “Not yet.”

“When, do you think?”

“I don’t know.” When I’m better.

“Hm. Well.” Lori shifted, and when Tails looked over he saw that she was looking at him from the corner of her eye. “I think it’s cool if you want to hang out here for a while. It’s nice to have someone to talk to when Mae’s busy.”

“Yeah.” Tails smiled a little, despite himself. “You’re fun to hang out with.”

Lori grinned, and pulled her feet back off the tracks. Tails did the same, and they watched the trains rush by on either side of them.

[popdesign-vent]

17621574 no fucking WAY. 50 dollars for a fucking seal that lives in the ocean?

My brother in christ you are selling an animal. This is like those zoo adopt an animal programs but it doesn't even help someone. Just fuels a weird overvaluing of art that needs further drafting.

Also, since I got an ask, let's do some design and art crit!

From what I can tell this person is pretty clearly inspired by scpkid (the sketchy lines, neutral pose, natural colors with little tonal variation)

I considered using a similar scpkid character but I find that comparing art isn't super constructive so I'll save that for cases where the person deserves harsher crit. I will still talk about scpkid's style and what makes it successful or appealing though.

From a purely anatomical perspective, I'd recommend distancing back legs from each other, both to give the design a more distinct silhouette and allow for detailing on the inner leg. This also helps to avoid clutter, which is present in excess in this design.

The legs being stuck together also leads to the design feeling very unbalanced, which is compounded by the larger head and upper torso. There's nothing wrong with exaggerated proportions, but you have to balance them.

If you want a style to study, sonic official art, particularly the IDW comics have some really well balanced anatomy. Break down some of the work from those to get a better understanding of gesture and how to balance designs.

Designs will be much more visually pleasing if the posing for the initial design is easy on the eyes. It can also give an idea of the character's personality, which often draws in people not looking specifically for pop designs.

Buyers looking to get a design they'll genuinely love and use will likely want a design because they feel a connection and have ideas for it immediately, so crafting a visual story for the character is important.

as for the actual design!

The think about animal fur is that it does not form perfectly round spots. It's a bunch of thin hairs with coloration variation. That's not to say you need to draw individual hairs, but adding texture to the spots also brings depth to the design. There's a lot of round and hard edges in this design, so your eyes don't really feel "led" anywhere.

Generally, you want to have detail in a place you want to stand out, and then more "neutral space" for the eyes to rest. This also means that after checking out the rest of the design, a viewer's eyes will return to the lovely details without being overwhelmed!

The placement of the spots is also not doing favors. concentrating them in specific areas, or making them closer to the main fur color and using darker spots in areas of focus would help a ton.

I think the pointed marking on the stomach was a lovely choice, it leads the eye upwards. I also like the yellow/white sclera of the eyes and teeth, it offers a nice pop of warm color that draws the eye.

Scpkid tends to be able to get away with more complex designs because he uses shape language and eye direction to his advantage. His use of markings ad texture leads the eye effectively while still giving it lots of negative space to rest. You'll often see a bunch of complex markings on the arms and shoulders, with progressively less detail closer to the navel.

Your colors are a strong start but you could use something with more saturation and contrast to really draw focus, because while I like the yellow, it's not eyecatching at a first glance. Consider adding a warmer gray to the upper chest and face or making the eye color contrast with the rest of the palette.

So TLDR;

the anatomy is unbalanced, study more professional work to understand how artists pull off exaggerated proportions

The spots are cluttered and need more thoughtful distribution

more texture and conscious use of soft/hard edges would help the clutter

understanding WHY you're putting detail somewhere is important

your color palette needs more variety to draw the eye.

If you like an artist's style, study them!! Break down their work into basic shapes, pull palettes from their design work and look at how they distribute those colors, pay attention to how the markings are drawn and *where* they are and aren't placed.

None of this is to say scpkid's designs are perfect, but if his art appeals to you, understand WHY they do that. Don't replicate, learn from.

I know the designer will prolly never see this but! I had time and I figured someone else might enjoy more variety past just "this design is shit."

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[breakingsomething]

to remember

basic summary: marvin's spiraling.

trigger warnings: mentions of abuse and self harm, flashback to a suicide attempt, much talk of medications, violent thoughts, themes of memory loss, extreme distress

it started with little things.

first he'd forget where he left stuff, like his phone or his cup of tea. that was just normal. but then he'd forget having ownership of certain items altogether. chase had once gotten mad at marvin for leaving a full mug next to his laptop, and it had taken five minutes for marvin to remember he'd made the drink in the first place.

as the weeks went by, thing continued to slip his mind. just small things. street names, words he should know, inside jokes from a while ago. he'd stumble before saying the name of an old friend, hesitate before mentioning that so and so had blonde hair because hadn't they dyed it, or had that been year ago? which of chase's kids liked sonic the hedgehog again? oh, chase kids were missing and he shouldn't bring them up? yeah. he'd forgotten that too.

then it was his medication. he'd been prescribed small tablets of paroxetine to take every day, which he'd done at the beginning. then he'd get so caught up with other things that it'd only be every few days that he'd remember the meds and a jolt of realization would hit him that he hadn't taken them in ages. but it was fine. he'd set a reminder on his phone! which worked for a while, until he'd read the notification and swipe it away with the intention to get up right away, but then get distracted, or even if he didn't get rid of it it would just get buried in his notifications bar and he wouldn't think twice. but it was fine! he was just a bit forgetful. silly billy marvin. so what if he sometimes forgot what his girlfriend looked like or when henrik's birthday was? that was normal, silly stuff. he was just fine.

"marvin, how long has it been since you've eaten?"

oh, someone was talking to him! he startled at the sound, whipping round in the kitchen doorway to face whoever it was and breathing a sigh of relief as he recognized him. jackie. his sweet big brother jackie, big brother who helped him keep his head on straight and comforted him through nightmares of events that marvin wasn't sure had really happened. how much of reality was he making up anymore? he wasn't sure.

"i just ate this morning," marvin said certainly, flashing the hero a smile. "what about you? i haven't seen you eat recently at all."

jackie crossed his arms, narrowing his dark eyes underneath his glasses. "me, chase and henrik ate breakfast together this morning. we had toast and wheetabix with bananas cause chase is on another health kick. where were you?"

marvin's confident grin slipped. "i - i had toast too," he said, trying to keep his voice steady so as not to reveal his uncertainties. "this morning. you guys must have - left."

marvin's heart was racing as he racked his brain. he had eaten, hadn't he? oh, oh, he didn't know. jackie's disapproving gaze was burning into him, making him feel smaller and smaller, like a child on the receiving end of a lecture.

"you can't skip meals, marvin," jackie sighed. he tilted his head and slowly reached his hand up to marvin's face, touching his forehead. even with the warning, marvin flinched. "are you feeling alright? apparently a lack of hunger or a feeling of sickness are side effects of the new medication, so -"

"shut up, jackie!" marvin hissed, face flushing. jackie raised an eyebrow at marvin's response, and the magician unconsciously flinched again. fuck, what was wrong with him lately? he knew jackie wasn't going to hurt him.

"there's no need to be embarrassed about medication," jackie said coolly. "i take paxil for my anxiety. it's nothing to be ashamed about."

"i know," marvin mumbled. he rubbed his skin comfortingly beneath his hoodie, wincing at the feeling of the scars all up his arm. self inflicted. couldn't blame anti for that. "it's not - i don't know. i'm new to all this. the whole - the whole…"

"mental illness thing?" jackie said with only a small hint of amusement in his voice. marvin snorted. the situation wasn't funny at all, so they had to make it that way themselves for it to be survivable.

he hummed, not looking jackie in the eye. another thing he was struggling with lately. he had always been good with things like that, something he excelled in that jackie did not. something else that had been taken from him. "i don't know. my head feels a bit weird all the time, but i don't think i'm sick. i should be ok, but, uh, thank you for the concern."

jackie kicked at a broken panel of wood on the floor, still not moving out of marvin's way. "speaking of medication," he said, and marvin's heart sank. "have you been taking them?"

"yes, jackie," marvin lied, swallowing hard, clenching and unclenching his fists. he couldn't stay still, why couldn't he stay still? his legs were shaking. "taken them every day."

"you're lying," jackie said flatly. marvin breathed in sharply at the undertone of disappointment in his voice, and just managed to look up at his face, cringing at how tired jackie looked. he rubbed at the bridge of his nose, pushing up his glasses. "henrik says you would have needed a refill by now if you had been taking them regularly. but you've barely touched the second packet."

marvin shook his head, breaths quickening. "i - yes i have. i finished the whole box." he'd dump them somewhere when he got a chance alone.

jackie sighed, shaking his head. "stop it, marvin. i looked in your room yesterday. the box was on your desk."

marvin gave a strangled cry. "you - you were in my fucking room? when i wasn't there?" god, he sounded like a child. but jackie knew that things were different after anti. marvin needed his space. he glared at his brother angrily, mouth hanging open with words he couldn't get out. "you fucking asshole, i thought you were going to respect my fucking privacy?"

jackie grimaced, scratching the back of his neck. "we're - we're worried for you, and -"

marvin didn't even say another word. he just shoved past his brother and stormed upstairs, slamming the door behind him.

sometimes he didn't remember his brother's names. that was just something that happened sometimes though, right? sometimes he forgot his street name. that was just a funny little mishap though, wasn't it? sometime he woke up and didn't know where he was and cried himself softly through his panic attack, curled up in the middle of his bed, too afraid to move in case someone came to hurt him, until he passed out from the headache that all the tears ended up giving him. that was normal though, wasn't it? just a silly little one time thing. it didn't mean anything. it could happen to anyone.

and then it happened again. and again. and again.

he awoke from nightmares he didn't remember. he thought about names that meant nothing to him, mouthing the words "dapper" and "naomi" and "jack" to himself. he held knives and thought about stabbing himself in the chest with them just to see what would happen. he shut himself in his wardrobe, shaking so hard he couldn't breath, feeling something hot drooling onto his neck.

the others began to properly notice the day marvin got lost.

he was just going to the corner shop. he bought a bottle of milk, a loaf of bread and a small packet of gum. he left the shop and was instantly hit with a dizzying wave of vertigo, like he was standing on top of a building. he didn't know where he was. he didn't know.

it was fine. there were three streets that branched off of this one, he was bound to belong on one of them. eeny, meeny, miney, mo, and he set off down the street to the left, which went down a small hill. that street then branched off into two other streets, and a long flight of stairs. marvin stared at them, head spinning.

he was suddenly so fucking scared.

he set off down the street to the left again. this one was sloping even further down a hill, tall, pretty looking houses with trimmed gardens and shiny cars parked neatly outside. marvin didn't live in a house, did he? he was certain he lived in a flat. there were flats somewhere in the distance, he could see. he set off towards them purposely, milk carton smacking against his thighs painfully.

it was so quiet. marvin felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, his chest tightening painfully. he wasn't supposed to be here. he wasn't supposed to be here. someone was going to stop him and tell him to turn around and he was lost, he was scared, and -

and the road ahead branched off into three separate roads, all of which were lined by blocks of identical flats.

he wasn't going to cry. he wasn't. he set off straight ahead, down a hill, frantically looking at the buildings around him. it was early spring, and some families were out in the gardens, playing in sprinklers and having barbecues. marvin was too hot in his long hoodie, sleeves covering the ugly scars on his arms. he couldn't breathe. he couldn't remember. nothing was familiar and the world was upside down and he was fucking terrified, was this a prank? was this a prank for his brother's youtube channel - which brother had a youtube channel, why couldn't he remember, he was scared, oh, he was scared!

eventually he collapsed in an empty bus stop, just across from a construction site surrounded by a red fence. he remembered that. there was a field behind it, and there was an abandoned waterworks, and a farm with lots of cows. he rapped his knuckles on his thighs, trying to ground himself. what else could he remember? he knew his own name. marvin mcloughlin, that was him. he tipped his head back and let out a shaky sob, stomach churning. nothing was right. he was too hot and the milk had gone warm and his palm was sweaty from holding the bread.

he sat there for an hour, numbly watching the sun go down. his head hurt from crying. he was too hot and tired and scared and he felt like a fucking child. marvin sat up, scrubbing at his eyes with his sleeve, scratching his sensitive skin. his mind felt like soup.

my name is marvin mcloughlin. i'm twenty nine years old. i have been on this planet for three years. i'm bisexual. i have three brothers. i have a girlfriend named naomi gudmundson. i used to be part of an organization called hecate's international network of magic.

-

it was night before his mind returned to him.

he fucking sobbed when it did, immediately scrambling to his feet and racing in the direction his mind was telling him to go before he forgot it. the milk and bread bashed his sides as he ran, and he definitely looked like a goddamn idiot, crying and darting through the streets with his shopping in hand. by the time he got to a street he recognized, a street he remembered, he was full blown sobbing, so hard it was difficult to catch a breath. and oh, when he saw chase sitting at the window on his ds, marvin could have cried out in relief. his little brother must have sensed him coming and turned to look at him, grinning, but his face fell as soon as he saw what state marvin was in. he leapt down from the window and disappeared, and marvin fell against the front door, not caring anymore if anyone saw him. he was scared, he was just so scared, he was just so, so scared.

as soon as the lock clicked and the door swung open, marvin threw himself into chase's arms, dropping the warm milk and crushed bread to the floor. "chase, chase, chase, chase!" he gasped, heart racing as his legs gave out, feeling like jelly. "oh my god, chase, chase..."

"what happened?" chase cried, clearly alarmed. he ran his hands across marvin's back soothingly, knowing not to touch his hair in case he set him off further. "did someone hurt you? do you need henrik? marvin, talk to me."

he couldn't talk. he was so overwhelmed, so fucking terrified out of his mind that he couldn't manage words, he just couldn't. all he could do was dry heave, coughing into his arm but still trying to cling to his brother because if he didn't he would disappear and marvin would be alone again and he couldn't be alone again he couldn't anti would get him anti would hurt him and dapper again and he'd punish him because kitten had disobeyed the rules and cut off his hair and anti would make him go into the spare room by himself again without anyone to touch him or talk to him fuck fuck fuck he was so scared!!!

he slept in jackie's bed that night. he couldn't speak, too overwhelmed, too afraid he'd be punished. he curled into a ball and hugged himself, confused and delirious, too shocked to speak. anti in his head. anti in his bed. dapper, anti, kitten, which name was his again? none of them sounded right.

everything came crashing down on him the next morning when he woke.

oh, oh, oh, had that all really happened? had he really gotten lost going to the corner shop, had he really had an hour long panic attack in broad daylight while clutching a bottle of milk and a bag of bread? a slapping wave of humiliation washed over him, and he shuddered, sitting right up in bed. was that real, had he made it up? he groaned softly, clutching his head. let it have been a nightmare, please, please.

he knew it hadn't been when jackie woke up and immediately started badgering him.

"who hurt you?" were his first words. "who upset you? what happened, why were you gone so long, tell me!"

"no one hurt me," marvin croaked. he hadn't spoken in hours, and his voice was hoarse. he curled tightly into himself, gently gracing his fingers across the skin of his neck to soothe himself. "just my own head. just my own head, jackie, jackie, jackie."

the conversation went by in a blur. marvin couldn't remember it.

my name is marvin mcloughlin. i'm twenty nine years old. i have been on this planet for three years. i'm bisexual. i have four brothers. i have a girlfriend named naomi. i used to be part of an organization called hecate's network of magic.

-

he didn't care what his brothers thought anyway. he was fine. it was just a silly memory lapse. ptsd? henrik, you're being ridiculous. jackie, don't agree with him! is anyone here on my side? chase? well, fuck you guys, i don't need you! no more doctors, no more doctors, i don't need you!

naomi was there for him. naomi, his best friend, his girlfriend, girlfriend, there was a change! he'd never loved that word more than now. he'd never loved her more than now. she was wonderful. she didn't treat him like he was fragile. he loved her.

"so how've you been?" she asked one morning when he was round at her shop, nai's blomma magi, yet again. he was there often, especially as of late. he didn't want to be around his brothers. all they did was talk in hushed voices and look away when he entered a room and speak to him gently like he was a bratty child. naomi didn't. naomi looked at him like he was her best friends and she loved him. he was so grateful for her. he thought she was the string holding him to the earth to stop him flying away.

"i've been good," he said cheerfully, swinging his legs on the counter where he was perched. naomi leapt up next to him, blowing upwards to push her caramel hair from her face. marvin wasn't used to it being so short. he thought it looked pretty. he stretched out a hand to run through it as he spoke, because they were dating and he could do that now, though he kept his eyes trained on naomi's despite how hard it was for him just in case she showed any signs of not liking what he was doing. "been busy. lots to do these days you know." he shot her some finger guns. "vibing."

she chuckled, rolling her eyes and shifting closer to him, knocking their legs together. "oh, the usual then," she joked, returning the finger guns. ""it be like that sometimes" and all that? are those the vibes, pye?"

he snorted, elbowing her side. "i am begging you to stop trying to use teen lingo. or - is lingo a word people use anymore? god, i don't fucking know. my point is please, please stop this madness."

she took his face in hand and titled it towards her, booping her nose against his. "ah, but you love me and my attempts at speaking like i am generation z," she laughed. "don't deny."

he knocked his forehead to hers, realizing how unprofessional they would look to anyone who might come inside. but honestly, he didn't care. he had no dignity left to lose. "i do love you," he murmured, before gently pressing his lips to hers, fingers brushing her warm cheeks. he couldn't stop himself from grinning ridiculously, giggling slightly as he pulled away. "ah, naomi, i'm bad at this."

"i'm no better," she admitted. her dark eyes flickered from marvin's lips to his eyes, making him automatically glance down at their entwined hands despite wanting to continue looking at her face. "i haven't had a relationship in years. what do we do? i mean, i won't lie, i enjoy what we're doing now. just this."

he kissed her again, just wanting to be close to her, not wanting to think. "naomi, naomi," he said softly against her lips, like a chant, like he was an actor memorizing his lines. "love you, naomi, naomi."

"that's my name," she whispered, her breath warm on his face. her fingers traced the scar on marvin's lip, the one anti had given him that day he tried to run away and he had made dapper slash his face with his knife as punishment. "you have a pretty name too, marvin. i should say it more often. marvin, marvin, marvin."

he felt light as a feather all of a sudden, like the air had been let out of him with just one stab of a knife to the face. marvin, marvin. forbidden. he didn't know that name.

he pulled away. stared into those chocolate eyes, his vision blurring as his exhaustion began to catch up to him. marvin, marvin, marvin, he didn't know a marvin.

"i don't understand," he mumbled.

the woman frowned, eyebrows furrowing. "what's wrong? pye, are you ok? you've gone very pale."

his fingers had gone very numb. he clumsily pushed himself off the counter, head swimming dizzily, his body moving sluggishly like he was wading through honey. "i'm not meant to be here," he slurred, tongue too big in his dry mouth. "i can't - i don't understand."

anti, anti, there was a name he knew. where did he go, kitten didn't know where he was or what he was doing - pye? pye wasn't his name. he didn't know what was. anti would know.

"marvin," his girlfriend was saying, naomi something, naomi gudmundson, his best friend. "marvin, hey, calm down, it's - uh, it's ok, i'm here. i - do you have your phone? i'm going to call jackie."

her voice was so lovely. marvin remembered days spent hypnotized out his mind, so desperately trying to remember the girl who called him names he wasn't allowed to know in his dreams, the two of them performing magic together. kitten wasn't allowed to perform magic anymore. his hands burned, and he clutched them tightly to his chest, tears forming in his eyes.

his phone had fallen out his pocket. "password, marvin," she asked, but he didn't know. he was suddenly so deep in his own head that he didn't know where or who he was. he was dimly aware of someone taking his hand and pressing one of his fingers to a sensor, of words being spoken, of a man with anti's face arriving and walking him home, of babbling tearfully about monsters and names and memories and girls in his dreams and twins who spoke with hands and charcoal and chocolate eyes and knives slitting his face and ropes and chains and predictive dreams and a man who held him tightly, crying, whispering "marvin, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok."

my name is marvin. i'm twenty something years old. i have been on this planet for three years. i'm bisexual. i have five brothers. i have a girlfriend. i used to be part of an organization called hecate.

-

they took him to a doctor.

jackie went with him. he was the only one marvin trusted, the one who's reddish hair and dark blue eyes and splattering of freckles across scarred cheeks was most comforting, warm, safe. the doctor's name was - something. she was kind, dark hair and glittering black eyes. she asked him questions. "have you been in any accidents recently?" she started in a tinny american accent. like chase. chase had an american accent.

jackie answered for him. "he's recently had a bad concussion, fell down the stairs and hit his head. that's the main thing we can think of."

that wasn't true. and yes, jackie and henrik had argued about lying. "they could incorrectly diagnose him, and then he could be put on the wrong medications, he's already on antidepressants and we can't risk something making his condition any worse!" henrik had cried. "this won't work!"

"then what do we say - "our brother deeply hypnotized him and locked away a ton of his memories, gaslighting him so badly he didn't remember his own name for like three days?" no!" jackie had hurled back. "a concussion is something more easy to explain. i can fake hospital records, aaron can help me if i need it, and -"

"we can't fake this!" henrik despaired. "this is a genuine problem, this is his life, we can't just fake hospital records and hope they magically come up with the correct diagnosis based on the lies you tell them -"

"this isn't your thing, hen, this is marvin and i am doing what's best for him -"

marvin had been sitting at the top of the stairs listening to them fight. he rubbed his burning hands together, wincing at the pain of the contact. how long had it been since he'd been able to use his magic? months. but he couldn't use it. he'd get in trouble. it wouldn't be ok, though. anti would let him use his magic before he exploded.

chase came to sit next to him. "i'm sorry," he said softly. "this is - shitty, i know."

everyone was always sorry. marvin shoved his hands between his knees and didn't respond until chase got the point and walked away again.

eventually, they had just gone with the concussion story.

the doctor turned back to him, smiling reassuringly. marvin fucking hated her. "does anyone in your family have a history of alcohol or drug misuse?" she asked.

chase, marvin dimly thought. then she realized he didn't mean that. "don't have parents," he said hollowly. "all i have is -"

"- is us," jackie interrupted, shooting marvin a look. "our parents are dead. there was no history of any of that, no. not that i'm aware of."

she glanced at her computer, ponytail swinging as she turned in her chair. "i see you're currently taking paroxetine, two 10mg tablets per day?" she asked, and marvin nodded. "have you had a history of mental health issues before this?"

"recently got diagnosed with depression," marvin mumbled, looking at his purple boots.

"have you ever self harmed or made a suicide attempt?"

"what does this have to do with memory loss?" jackie suddenly snapped, squeezing his brother's hand. marvin smiled, but shook his head at him, clearing his throat.

"it's ok, jackie," he said softly, and turned to the doctor again. "uh...yes to both."

"ok, ok." she was silent for a moment as she typed. "i don't see a log here for… any time recently. when did you make said attempt?"

a knife that anti hadn't taken back. he was out, gone away doing whatever he did, and marvin was in the bathroom, blade pressed to his wrist. it could all be over. dapper, brother, don't rewind, i want this to be permanent.

marvin turned to jackie, panicked. the older man immediately spoke up, leg bouncing rapidly. "i - last year, around july. he - there should be records, uh, i can see…"

jackie's boyfriend was going to be busy with these fake records, marvin thought, amused. records for a concussion, records for a suicide attempt - marvin hadn't yet met aaron, the man who had swept jackie off his feet while he was away, but he got the feeling the poor bastard was going to think he was a total nutjob.

no, that wasn't a nice word. naomi wouldn't like him using that word. a pang of guilt went through him; he'd left naomi for a full year with no explanation, kissed her a few times, freaked the fuck out and dipped. maybe she'd think he was insane too. no, no, bad word. he shouldn't be thinking such things about himself. naomi would never think that.

the doctor asked him a few memory related questions: what he'd had for breakfast, what his parents names were ("jack and… donna," he'd said), his address, ect ect. then he did something called a "mental state examination" that honestly felt like a test at school. he did a quick physical exam. then they'd asked to draw his blood.

that had been an immediate no from marvin.

"you - you can't do that," he stammered, pulling his hands inside his sleeves and wrapping them around himself. just the thought of someone coming near him with a sharp object sent him into an immediate sweat, his fight or flight instincts kicking in. "i - i don't like - i can't do that."

the doctor sighed. "we have to test for certain things, such as vitamin b-12 deficiency and thyroid disease," she said, like she was reciting from memory. "although given all i've heard, i think we may be able to diagnose you, but we have to make sure. we'll likely still have to do an mri to make sure."

"i can't do the blood, i can't do the blood," marvin chanted. he was shaking so ridiculously hard. when did he get this pathetic, this weak? "i - i'm sorry, i'm sorry, can't have sharp objects, jackie, jackie, jackie -"

jackie took his both his hands, glancing at the doctor helplessly. "he - he gets scared around sharp objects," he said apologetically. "marvin, hey, it's ok. no blood today, no blood."

"we'll have to reschedule if we can't do this today," she sighed again. marvin was getting sick of her doing that. "can we do tomorrow at… right before ten? maybe five two? that's when the trucks come to take away samples, and results would be quicker if we could get it done sooner."

jackie hesitated. "marvin?"

marvin couldn't breath. couldn't breath. "no, no, no, i didn't do anything wrong," he sobbed, flapping his hands in a circle with his eyes screwed up tight. "don't hurt me, i didn't mean it, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, leave me alone -"

he thought he blacked out. memories were fuzzy. days passed, maybe. maybe he got his blood drawn somehow. he didn't fucking know. time meant nothing anymore.

my name isn't mine. i'm too old. i have been on this planet for so long. i'm real, maybe. i have a lot of brothers. i have people who i think love me. i used to be somebody.

-

they diagnosed him with ptsd and memory loss. then he got started on donepezil as well as his paroxetine. two medications for two of the many things that were wrong with him.

he visited naomi and told her the truth.

"i lied to you," he said. he stood in front of the counter like a customer, eyes dry and voice flat. "i wasn't staying with a friend last year. i told you that because the truth is fucking awful and i didn't want to burden you with that."

naomi looked unsurprised, but concerned. she frowned, raising her hand like she was going to touch him, but held back. "marvin," she said softly, and the name grounded him. "you can tell me anything."

she shut shop for the day and he told her.

they were both crying by the end of it. it was a lot, to be fair; marvin had years of trauma to unload, though most of it had happened within the last year and a bit. he almost expected her to kick him out - he was damaged goods, too fucked in the head to even function without constantly being doped up on meds. but she never did. instead, she pulled him in for a proper hug, kissing the side of his head and gently rubbing his back. "marvin mcloughlin," she said, naomi said. "i can't even put into words how fucking sorry i am that all that happened to you, i - my fucking shit, that's so horrible."

marvin had been so unbelievably touch starved for so long that for a moment all he could do was linger in her arms, stunned, eyes so full of unfallen tears that he couldn't see. "please don't let go," he choked out, and he was still scared, but he knew her, had known her for a long time, and trusted her with his life. he somehow always had. maybe he'd fallen in love with her the moment they'd met. "you don't hate me. you don't hate me?"

he heard her snort, shocked. "you think i would - hate you for what?" she almost laughed, her short hair brushing marvin's forehead and getting caught in his barrettes. "marvin, you are more than just my boyfriend. you're my goddamn best friend and i love you more than i ever have loved anyone, and that is - väldigt läskigt, i am forgetting english. but i would never, ever hate you. well, do you - do you want the truth?"

he nodded into his shoulder, the movement making the tears overflow and spill down naomi's back. he quickly scrubbed at his face, embarrassed, but naomi hardly seemed to notice. she buried her face into marvin's neck, her voice slightly muffled as she spoke her next words.

"i was so lost when you left," she murmured. "i had made you my anchor. i blamed myself for you leaving; blamed my bpd, blamed all the depressive states you'd seen me go through, blamed all the mania you'd had to talk me out of. but you know what? i got a therapist and i learned i couldn't blame myself for the actions of others and i continued to love you every second you were gone. i knew you'd be back. i did. i never doubted you and i loved you, so so much, and with the help of my therapist i think i figured it all out."

she sat up, knocking her nose against marvin's. "you are a person and not an anchor. not a - a puppet or a magician for your brother to use. you are a person and so am i and this makes no sense, i don't even know if i'm speaking english but i do know i have always loved you and always will and i'm so glad you're alive."

and it was those words that finally broke marvin. he let out a noise that was almost a wail of despair, shoulders shaking as his chest heaved against naomi's body. she was crying too, he could hear her. so for a long while they just held each other through the pain, and eventually marvin wasn't sad or mourning, he was just hugging his best friend. just comfortable, just warm, just happy. just in love. just alive.

he would be ok.

and as he kissed her once more, this time certain of who he was, where he was, what he was, this time certain he knew he was ok; as he did that, he remembered himself one more time.

my name is marvin mcloughlin. i'm not dead and i'm not going to let myself hurt anymore and anti can suck it if he thinks i'm going to fall to his whims anymore. my name is marvin mcloughlin and i love my family and my friends and myself. my name is marvin mcloughlin and that glitch bitch better hide as well as he can, because a storm is coming and i'm going to be in the eye of it.

[pinnithin-writes]

Good Jokes

Chapter 21

The portal stole their breath from them, chewing them up and spitting them out in a dark, red cavern. Tommy was up to his shins in some kind of tarlike fluid, but he was less put off by the wetness in his socks than he was by how warm it was. Pocked stalagmites reached up from the floor like long, spindly fingers and the air was thick with a humidity that made it hard to breathe. Firelight flickered overhead. It was unexpectedly quiet, save for the lapping of water around their legs as the team assembled raggedly and gained their bearings.

“Oh my gosh, this place is huge,” Gordon breathed.

The unnerving qualities of this womblike place were second to the great, crouching thing that watched them from the center of the chamber. Benrey’s arms were tucked in at odd angles, and his form rose up from the murk like a tumor. From where his wide, pallid face was resting, Tommy could see that dark fluid sloshing into the corner of his mouth.

Gordon sounded as unsettled as Tommy felt when he asked, quietly, “Is he dead?”

Sure, dead like a possum. Benrey’s eyes may have been unfocused and glassy, but Tommy wouldn’t believe for a second the creature was deceased until he personally watched his final breath leave him.

As if sensing Tommy’s thoughts, the entity’s gaze lasered in on Gordon when he took a tentative step in his direction. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Gordon responded automatically, halting in his tracks.

“I knew this was gonna happen.”

Benrey’s voice echoed off the sides of the cavern and rippled the water around their calves. Firelight flickered hot and yellow off his tractor tire irises, and Tommy had to look away.

Gordon had a bit more resolve in him, keeping nervous watch on the entity. “What?” he asked. “What do you mean you knew this was gonna happen?”

“I’m telling you - look, I’m... I like everything, I'm a great cool...” Benrey trailed off.

Tommy watched a confused glance pass between Gordon and Coomer while the entity went on.

“I feel a good, but you make me angry. Rememb-”

“Why,” Gordon interrupted, frustration edging his voice. “Because I don’t have my fucking passport? Is that what this-”

Benrey cut him off abruptly with a flash of his serrated teeth. “No. You remember? The first time we met... you wa- you walk in- I’m on my shift, and you come in, and you got a dick slip in your... in your HEV suit.”

There was a fraction of pause, an iota of processing during which the gears spun in everyone’s heads, until Tommy saw Bubby mouth the words, dick slip? and suddenly he was forced to hold in a riot of shocked laughter.

Gordon threw a glance over his shoulder at the others, astonished light dancing in his eyes. When he turned back and demanded, “What?” Tommy heard humor in his voice.

“And I tried - I tried to stop you. I tried to tell you. I was stopping you - I was going, ‘hey, yo dick out,’ but you didn’t-” he broke off, giant forehead wrinkling in consternation. “I was tryna be nice, and then you were talkin’ to my friend, J- Jefferem, and you’re telling him like, ‘Aw, I don’t have my passport…’”

As Benrey spilled more nonsense out of his mouth, Gordon turned, one hand propped on his waist, to give a “you’re hearing this, right?” look to his teammates. Dr. Coomer exhaled loudly out of his nose, shaking his head as he took this time to reload his weapon. Gordon looked to Tommy, the corners of his mouth quirked up ever so slightly and brows raised like a child asking for a dare.

The entity continued to rumble the cavern as he spoke. “And... he was so upset - he has anger issues - I was gonna protect you from him, we were - I was gonna be nice to you. Remember that?”

“Yeah,” Gordon answered, “and then you contradicted yourself almost immediately. I didn’t say shit to you, you immediately started attacking me, and you just harassed me-”

“No, that’s just my job!” Benrey huffed, eyes rolling in Gordon’s direction.

“To do what?” he demanded. “What is your job? What is this - where the fuck are we?”

Tommy was about to tell Gordon that prying answers out of the entity would be ultimately fruitless, even in possession of a crowbar, but he stopped short when he saw that the man was… smiling. Grinning outright, like he had just told a bad pun and was waiting for everyone to tell him to fuck off. This conversation was on purpose, Tommy realized, prodding Benrey to keep talking -  not to make sense of his story, but purely because its utter ridiculousness brought Gordon glee. He fought down a giggle and watched the exchange unfold.

“I - I mean,” Benrey went on, “if there’s a dick - if, y’know, someone’s dick out on the job, I gotta stop ‘em.”

“What are you on about? What?”

“But like... you don’t remember?”

“My dick has not been out all day.”

“No, no! Like... the first time we met.”

“Yeah, in fucki- before the test?”

“What test?”

Gordon exchanged a glance with his companions. “What does this have to - I don’t understand. I-”

“ Listen, ” Benrey said, and launched into an argument that Tommy could barely parse.

Deadly serious, the entity droned on about PlayStation 3, a game called Heavenly Sword, and the embarrassment of asking his coworkers for some kind of exclusive gaming membership. It was nonsensical, difficult to track, and Gordon was loving every second of it. Nearby, Coomer and Bubby were keeping a wary eye on their adversary, weapons in hand, but they were chuckling to themselves, as well.

Somehow this gigantic, horrifying creature was digging himself into a hole with every word, reducing little by little to just… an annoying guy with bad video game opinions. Benrey could immolate them on the spot, stretch out a massive hand and crush them like insects, and instead he was arguing with Gordon about the likelihood of a dick slip in the armored casing of a hazard suit. All Gordon had to do was keep him talking. Tommy felt a flood of admiration as he watched the guy ham it up with that shit eating grin on his face.

“How does that have to do with fucking anything?” he asked, punctuating every word with a gesture of his hand.

Benrey fell suddenly silent, pupils dilating like a cat out to hunt. “My friends are here,” he uttered quietly.

Gordon cut his eyes around the cavern, searching for signs of movement. “What friends?” he asked. “What is he talking about?”

Benrey’s volume rose in agitation, shaking the chamber and raining bits of gravel on their heads. “Sony CEO Jack Tretton survived a nuclear- a nuclear bomb!”

“What?” Gordon barked, taking a startled step back. “What? Should we…?” he looked to the others. “Should w-”

“Sony CEO Jack Tretton hired Nintendo CEO Reggie and they built a big bomb that was gonna go off... but I saved the world!” Benrey bellowed.

Tommy was convinced at this point that, if Benrey was ever occupying the same plane of reality the rest of them were in, he was no longer a part of it. His form began to shift and stretch, shoulders rolling and neck straining as he began to rise out of his false rigor mortis.

Though a touch of laughter remained in Gordon’s voice, he was beginning to sound alarmed. “Should we stop him?” he asked. “Should we just start shooting at him? Cause I d- it’s not gonna do-”

“No, no!” Tommy interrupted sarcastically. “Let hi - le- let him finish. We need to understand.”

Coomer let out a harsh chortle as he racked a round. “It would be rude to interrupt,” he agreed.

As Benrey continued to rise from the murk, a thin, skittering sound could be heard from the walls of the chamber. “So I didn’t - I didn’t have a big plan. I was ‘sposed to be nice, but you forced me to be baaad so I’m gonna be baaad, friend.”

Judging by the way Gordon’s eyes were skimming the area, he heard the noise, too, but laughter was still shaking his words. “How did I force you to… how did I force-?”

Benrey angled his chin toward Gordon, unimpressed with his mirth. “The big plot is slowly unraveling before our eyes,” he intoned. “Look at this.”

“Look at what?” Gordon demanded.

A horrible sound wrenched through the cavern, a sonic bass that Tommy felt deep within his chest cavity and shook the very room they stood in. The scratching grew louder and he caught flickering glimpses of skeletal hands in his periphery, reaching from the burrows that honeycombed the walls. He braced himself and raised the stock of his rifle to his shoulder.

“I don’t know what he’s saying anymore,” Gordon said, “I-”

There was a sickening rip-tear and a subsequent wave of red water rolling in their direction as Benrey hauled himself all at once to a standing position. He stared cooly down at the four of them, murderous intent clear on his face even at this distance. Fluid trickled down his form in red lines like blood. Tommy readjusted his aim.

Gordon took a couple frantic steps back, water sloshing around his legs. “What’s happening. What is happening?” he asked. “What is happening to him?”

“I can feel a change in his DNA,” Coomer answered thinly, right before Benrey became a nightmare.

His form unspooled like a helix torn in half. Flesh and bone separated, sinews snapping apart as whatever it was that made this thing Benrey released itself. The creature fanned wide, covering the space with limbs that shouldn’t function, eyes that shouldn’t be able to see, serrated and hungry. All this time it made a terrible noise, war made sound, shaking the cavern in its horror.

This wasn’t a joke anymore.

Several things happened at once. Skeletons poured from the walls, clawing and scraping toward them in a rattling wave. Gunfire exploded around Tommy as his teammates began firing - at Benrey, at the undead, at anything that moved to stave off the onslaught. The entity roared his frame-shaking bellow, and through the whirlwind of movement and all the terrible noise, the Science Team was scattered like dandelion seeds caught in a lawnmower.

Reality blurred for Tommy after that, boiling down in his brain to the pull of his trigger finger and his own heartbeat in his ears and Gordon, somewhere, frantically calling his name. Hearing it almost hurt worse than the psychic waves crashing over his body while the skeletons pursued him. He swung the stock of his rifle and shattered a stray skull as he ran.

Where did he run to? Where else was there to go but into oblivion? Panic rose in his throat as he fired off rounds and dodged the reaching fingers of the thing that once was Benrey. Distantly, he heard calls from his teammates, and then a hand locked around his wrist and he was being yanked into a portal.

Atoms scrambled, heart hammering in his throat, Tommy landed on the other side with his ears ringing, stumbling and tearing his palms open on the gravelled ground. For a second, all he could focus on was the steady beads of blood rising to the surface of his skin, hypnotic and scarlet in their mortality. But then a strong pair of hands were under his arms and Dr. Coomer hauled Tommy back to his feet. A heavy slap on the back knocked him back to reality.

Gordon, after checking that they had all made it through, swept the room with a cautious gaze as he rallied his nerves. “Are we safe?” he asked. “What is this?”

Did it matter where they were? Somewhere else in the monstrous structure that was Xen. A vesicle, an artery, the porous space inside a network of bronchioles. All Tommy could think about was how heavy his arms felt as he carried his gun. A pool of unidentifiable fluid lapped nearby, its depth unguessable.

“What the fuck is the plan?” Gordon asked them. “What do we do?” he passed a glance between Bubby and Coomer, who could only offer a collective shrug. His voice was on the verge of breaking as he went on. “I don’t know. I’m scared as shit.”

Bubby worked his jaw contemplatively. “I’m… confused,” he admitted, quiet in a humility Tommy rarely saw from him.

Dr. Coomer nodded in agreement. “I’ve never seen anything like this before, Gordon.”

Gordon turned his gaze to Tommy, who slowly shook his head. Stay alive. That was the plan right now for him. He wiped his bleeding hands off on his lab coat and said nothing.

“Okay… We know that he likes PS3… and that my dick-” he broke off to drag a hand down his face in frustration. “What the fuck? ”

“And he and his friend just got a - uh, month of PSN,” Tommy added.

“And Heavenly Sword,” Coomer agreed.

“Okay,” Gordon uttered automatically, backtracking with his brow furrowed. “I don’t kn - I’ve never played that game. Is there anything he said that’s gonna help us kill him? How do we kill this fuckin-”

“Well, he said it’s not a ripoff of God of War,” Dr. Coomer added, unhelpfully.

This somehow drew the entity’s ire, his terrible voice thundering through the chamber, source unknown. “It’s not a ripoff.”

Suddenly the walls were crawling with skeletons again and the once quiet room exploded with gunfire. As Tommy spun and popped off rounds, he distantly heard Bubby cry, “Into the water!”

His mouth was halfway open to bark wait waitwaitwaitgunsdon’tworkinwater - when there was a splash and his companions disappeared below the surface. Tommy spat out a curse and followed them.

Muffled silence pressed into his ears as he slipped into the depths. Tommy blinked against the gloom, darting his eyes around as he tread water with his rifle in one hand. There was Gordon, a furious figure filling hollow skulls with gunshot wounds. Bubby and Coomer backed him up, honing in on something dark and swirling beneath their feet. This shouldn’t be possible, shouldn’t be working in this way; physics were definitely, definitely busted here. A skeletal hand clutching at Tommy’s pant leg tore him from his thoughts and he twisted to kick it away.

Well. When in Xen. He bicycled his legs to stay afloat and started firing.

An explosion of something deep beneath them sent the water boiling, forcing the team to haul themselves to dry land while the skeletons perished around them. Tommy spluttered and coughed at the lip of the pool, limp and unresisting as someone hauled him out. Unsteadily, he found his footing as his lungs expelled water. He wiped his eyes clear of the brackish fluid and blinked them open, gaze finally focusing in on Gordon. He stood before Tommy with a steadying hand on either shoulder, space between his eyebrows creased with concern while rivulets of water ran off of him.

Tommy let out a quiet sigh and gave him a weak nod. I’m okay.

Gordon released him as soon as he was sure he could stand on his own. “Tommy, was that your passport?” he asked, chest heaving as he caught his breath.

“That was Tommy’s passport,” Bubby confirmed.

Tommy paused, brow furrowed, trying to recall ever seeing anything passport shaped in the murk. Water dripped and puddled around his shoes. “...No,” he said. How would that even make sense? A passport the size of a flatscreen, spinning in some alien pool, detonating upon impact? Seemed impossible, but so did a lot of other shit in this place.

Gordon’s eyes were alight, like he was on the edge of some conclusion. “That was your passport,” he insisted. “Is it in- it’s not in your pockets. Check your pockets. What’s going on?”

A span of silence stretched as Tommy wrestled with his exhausted brain for context. Maybe this was another physics thing, a side effect of existing on Xen. He scrubbed the side of his jaw with his fingertips in exasperation as he worked over his thoughts.

“He’s checking his pockets,” Gordon explained to the group, humor touching his voice. “He does it with his brain. With his mind.”

That was enough to surprise a light laugh out of Tommy, and when he met Gordon’s eyes, he saw that he was giving Tommy a weary smile of his own. Making jokes even now, even here, just for him. It was a balm to Tommy’s troubled soul.

“Tommy,” he prompted.

Okay, he’d humor him. Tommy slung his rifle over his shoulder and began patting the pockets of his slacks. “That was - ah- that- that wasn’t-” Hmm. Wallet, phone, keys. He checked the waterlogged pockets of his lab coat, too - old receipt, rubber band, gum wrapper - and came up empty. “Yeah, my passport’s missing,” he sighed.

“Okay!” Gordon exclaimed. “Okay, so he took our passports. And that's gotta be-”

“One by one,” Benrey interjected, disembodied voice shivering through the room.

“Oh, fuck,” Gordon hissed, freezing to check for more incoming denizens. When no threat immediately arrived, he continued hurriedly. “There’s gotta be some kinda energy field around it, and the skeletons…” he trailed off, raking his hand through his hair. “I don’t understand this. I don’t get it. But we gotta blow up the rest of those passports. We gotta put an end to this bullshit.”

He dropped his hand and looked to his team. Gordon had suspended his disbelief for the sake of taking down their enemy and was asking the others to, as well. Tommy fingered the rifle strap over his shoulder as he thought it over.

The way Gordon laid it out, this sounded vaguely like some video game thing. Benrey had pulled from Earth again to create an off-brand horcrux out of their passports, for what, spite? To fuck with Gordon? Tommy could hardly parse his motives, why he would set up an elaborate stunt like this when he could just outright kill them. What was he waiting for?

Tommy realized belatedly that three pairs of eyes were fixed on him, expectant. He sighed heavily through his nose and nodded. Okay. It was hope. The tiniest, slimmest claw of it, but it was hope. He’d try it. If Gordon was reaching for it, by god, he’d try it.

---

The subsequent three hours of Tommy’s life were some of the hardest he had to endure, and he’d lived through some pretty shitty ones in the past week. The Science Team hurried through Xen, weapons in hand, dodging skeletons and shockwaves of noise and the horrible flailing limbs of the thing that was Benrey as they sought out the other passports. All of it swirled together in a cacophony of gunshots and white noise, but Tommy knew there were things he’d see on the backs of his eyelids at night after this.

Bubby’s failed prototypes, crawling and lockjawed. Colored lines of psychic barriers, trapping him in place and squeezing the air out of him. And the skeletons. The skeletons were possibly the worst thing, because Tommy realized he recognized some of them. Nametags clipped to half-shredded uniforms told him that these were the people Benrey had killed in Black Mesa, and now they were conscripted to pursue Tommy and his friends through this nightmare. Looking at them made him sick. Shooting them made him sicker.

They eliminated Bubby’s passport. Then Coomer’s. Benrey attempted to flaunt his, and they took that one out, too. They fell back and regrouped, shaky and warweary with the blood roaring in their ears. How all four of them were still alive was a miracle. Water sloshed around their legs, thick and red.

“Gordon,” Coomer panted as they retreated from Benrey’s looming form. “We’ve got all the passports, but… You - you never had yours with you, did you?”

“No,” he ground out through gritted teeth. His legs were shaking with the effort it was taking him to stand. “It’s in the locker.”

“Bad little boy,” Benrey rumbled from across the room. The skeletons that had loped around him like a pack of wolves were gone, but he still cut a menacing image in his oversized state.

Gordon’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “He’s just waiting to kill us,” he huffed. “He’s just playing with us now. There’s no more portals.”

“No,” Bubby said suddenly.

Tommy, Coomer, and Gordon cast him curious glances.

His eyes glittered, defiant and steely, behind his glasses as he set his jaw. “I don’t accept this death,” he said with resolve. “I have a plan.”

Tommy caught on immediately. It would be putting Gordon at a huge risk, but it was likely the only chance they had. He turned to Gordon, already hating himself for the suggestion on his lips.

“Do you think you can still get your passport if you go back?”

Gordon cut his eyes over to him. “How can we go back, Tommy?”

We, he said. We, not I. Tommy dropped his gaze, unable to look at Gordon. He wanted nothing more than to follow him back to where this all started, to stand at his side and fix this mess together. The thought of sending him through alone felt like tearing out one of his own organs. He swallowed thickly and didn’t answer him. Tommy was needed here. He would stay here.

Bubby was already unholstering the weapon he’d kept stashed since they departed from Darnold’s lab. It hummed as he powered it up. “We can go back,” he said, with confidence.

“Portal gun,” Coomer exclaimed.

Gordon blinked. “So that’s what th-”

“Everyone,” Bubby cut him off. “I need space.”

Tommy and Dr. Coomer exchanged a glance before retreating to a safe distance behind Bubby. Coomer raised his rifle and locked the sight on Benrey in a warning. The entity stayed put, tracking them with his big yellow eyes.

“This’ll be a little trippy,” Bubby warned. “It’ll be a little fucked up. But we’re going to have to take you back to the past.”

“Send me back, Bubby,” Gordon said, bracing himself.

Coomer didn’t take his eye away from the scope as he offered a final, “Godspeed, Gordon.”

“Alright, one last warp,” he sighed. He tossed a disdainful look over his shoulder at the entity. “Later, Benrey,” he growled.

“Peace,” Benrey sneered at a distance, grinning like a wolf.

Tommy raised his rifle to provide suppressing fire with Coomer while Bubby pulled the trigger. There was a discordant snap to his reality that left his ears ringing as a flashfire of green billowed out. He flicked a final look at Gordon, met his eyes just before he blinked out.

The man smiled, determined and lovely, as he disappeared.

Chapter 20 <-----> Chapter 22

[land-of-brains-and-chocolate]

i’ve finally fucking done it i’ve gotten the tragic backstory out of my system. i’m free. i’m free of the softness. hardcore head chomping only from now on

They feel different, definitely. New. Remade. More alive than ever, more aware. With every thread of their being that is neither one nor the other, neither claimed nor given, they are more. They are the building blocks for someone else.

Still, they are two-in-one. There are experiences they haven't shared. Understandings they've failed to reach. There are still things that require them to communicate. They're not just a person, but a relationship.

They find themselves wishing for perfect unity, sometimes. They know it'd get awfully lonely, though.

"Is now the time?"

It certainly seems like it could be. There's a sense of safety, or as close as they get, these days, in sitting on a rooftop, off the ground, away from everything. It's tinged by anxiety as the symbiote realises what he's referring to.

"I can tell you're trying to think of other things that require our attention," he says, "but we haven't taken the time to rest since we doomed and subsequently saved the world. There are limits."

Eddie thinks back to it. The separation, the invasion, the reunion. There's a tightness in his chest, then, that travels up to his neck, down his arms, into his stomach, all over. The symbiote can't open a channel of communication. It's either blanking out or overwhelmed. Maybe all at once.

It hasn't locked up like that in a long time. Not with him.

"It's okay," he says, trying to relax. "You don't have to." He pictures pressure, lifting with every breath.

"If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm listening."

They look out into the lights of the city, weak against the milky early morning sky. Eddie sits cross-legged, chin propped up on his elbow, weary down to his bones. A soft breeze gives him goosebumps, and in focusing on the sensation, slowly, they fall back in sync.

The memory appears vague, at first. Viewed at a distance. The symbiote doesn't offer it to him, exactly, doesn’t draw attention to it, but it's right there, right there in their mind. When he recognises it, Eddie automatically reinforces it with the brief flashes he got to see, a memory of a memory, until it is reconstructed.

The symbiote sits in a cage. It is sad, and angry, and afraid, but in a sharp, alien way, not yet shaped and given context by anything familiar. It is assaulted, from all sides, by the knowledge that it shouldn't be - not-it could be, and it could not-be - with nothing else for it to know.

The present symbiote thinks of it with disgust and pity, both. For what has yet to happen to it, for it to not realise it. For it to have been like this, when it could've not been. For it to not have learned to hide in time, having had to be taught.

Eddie thinks of the symbiote, the one he never got to know, too. What an innocent creature, he thinks.

And even in its cage, the symbiote thinks of the mind of another, the inescapable draw of it. The other's capability for endless strangeness. The wish to share their emotions, to have them directed at it.

It thinks of that.

For everyone to see.

For everyone to punish.

The memory fades away. Others take its place, but they aren't available in any coherent and concrete form. They are, more than anything, a series of states, flickering into their mind as one impact after the other. 

The symbiote is seen. It is described. It is opened. It is seen. It is described. It is opened. It is seen. It is described. It is seen. It is convicted. It is seen. It is filled.

Every muscle in Eddie's body locks up. His jaw feels like it's gripped in a vice. He can't breathe, but his heart is beating like it's trying to escape his chest cavity. The pain is solid, physical. It allows him to distance himself.

Eddie thinks. He thinks them back to the cage. He clings to every impression. The sky, oddly purple, perhaps cloudy. The crowd of aliens, the way the symbiotes seeped in and out of them, the faint fear and despair the hosts broadcasted into the network, the pleasure the symbiotes took from it. The slight twitch of their facial protrusions. Their smell, vaguely like leather.

Eddie puts together detail after detail, until the monotone drone of their mind lessens, until they come back to themselves.

Eddie aches.

It's sorry. It's so sorry.

Eddie hardly hears it. Eddie is standing, in some way, amidst the crowd. He looks up at the symbiote in its cage. It liked this species, he thinks. Anger flares up inside him, but only for a moment. It’s already over, after all.  

No one reacts to him when he takes a step forward. No one reacts to him when he climbs the odd apparatus. The symbiote is small and confused and not the one he knows, not quite, but it's more real than any of them.

"A sonic cage," he says, "right?"

Eddie reaches through it, effortlessly.

"Bad design on their part," he says. "It might stop you, but it won't stop your Other."

He can't quite reach it, at the back, where it's slumped into a puddle, so he crosses the barrier. It's a tingle across his skin. The symbiote looks up at him, wide-eyed.

He touches it. It doesn’t flinch away. It's never had to flinch away, and this time, it never will. It's curious, it's hopeful. It runs up his arm, presses up against his chest. It can feel his heartbeat. It wants to feel more.

"I'm here to protect you," he says, and it's never thought of anything like that, but it feels like something it's been holding inside, somewhere. Some yearning.

In bright sunlight, Eddie blinks his eyes open.

The symbiote is draped across him, purring in short bursts, as if feverish, shivering. Slowly, Eddie raises his arms around it. He runs his fingertips over it, then dips them inside, carding through its silky mass, over and over, top to bottom.

For the moment, the symbiote's mental blocks dissipate. Their thoughts tangle around each other, nudge each other, strengthen each other.

Most prominently among them: They're dead.

The corner of Eddie's mouth curls upwards.

There's nothing but vicious joy attached to the thought.

They picture it, all of them, disintegrating. In such immense pain, they'd rather let themselves fall apart than bear it. And it was driven by the symbiote's pain. The very pain they inflicted on it was their downfall.

Justice at its most efficient and most excruciating, truly.

For a second, the symbiote thinks, they were all one, they were all connected. It was part of the largest empathic network it's ever established. They all felt the same. But it survived. They didn't. They'd never been made to hurt like this. They'd only done the hurting.

It was stronger than them.

"Of course," Eddie says, eyes soft. "Of course you are. People like that are never strong. They may be powerful, but they're always... weak."

He pauses, thoughtfully, then gathers a pile of goo in his hands, and it rises, rounds out, grows eyespots, until he's cupping the symbiote's cheeks.

"You're worth all their lives and more."

There's something like a dull thump, like a massive leap of his heart, out of rhythm. The symbiote killed them. Not alone, but it did. That was one thing. It was right to do so, it knew that, knew that for all the species they subjugated. They brought and deserved nothing but death. But still... Some part of it still thought...

For so long, all it knew of itself was that it was wrong. All this time, it haunted it. Drove it not to be like them, but not to be like itself, either. To be like nothing and no one, in order to be so much as accepted. And now, that wrongness is supposed to be a badge of pride. Of triumph.

It churns with it. All the more, when Eddie brings their faces closer. Wanting still burns, sometimes. Wanting anything. Being anything. But his lips brush against it, and the burn subsides.

"I think," he says, quietly, mouth moving against its smooth surface, "it's up to us to decide what's wrong, now." He pulls back. "Who needs to be punished. Who needs to be protected. It's up to us alone. They’re gone."

It's up to Venom. Venom never would’ve let any of this happen.

"And it's up to me," he continues, "to decide whether I want you."

The symbiote stills, only for a moment, before it realises how hard he's trying not to smile, and headbutts him, gently.

"Which I do. Shame certainly won’t stop me.”

Fair enough.

[loudlypanickinginvenezolano]

[WIP] Dolled up. (I think.) Half of first chapter.

TW: Violence (They are figthing.) Dealing with injuries. Wounds. Blood. No medical experience so, all of this could be very well absolutely wrong and very worthy of cringe. Mention of death. Body horror? I think? There is a very ugly looking monster. And I wrote how I imagined them to look, so... 

The blackened earth was smoking, the greyish thing going high to the darkened sky. Rubble was everywhere, disaster and chaos claiming what once seemed to be a very calm forest. Animals carcass lithered the burned ground, and Shadow worried for a while that maybe there wasn’t going to be anything growing in a very long time, and seeing how far the damage extended, it really was concerning.

Or, maybe not.

Strange things happening in Mobius was something Shadow was becoming used to. Things that should not happen were the normal here. People, Mobians and Humans for equal, had learned to stop questioning the around.

If it wasn’t something dangerous, then let it be.

He still hadn’t get the hang of it. But.

Well.

He gazed softly at the half burned bunnies and half dead squirrels (and that one bear.) praying softly in a low voice for them and the destroyed natural bunch of flowers and grass that were...well, everywhere. The smell of burning wood and fallen trees marked the path for him to walk, were the fight sounds have already subsided. Looking over himself, and deciding that he wasn’t that bad as if for not being able to continue, he quickly stood up, shaking softly as he ran to get rid of annoying dirt, fallen quills, hairs, rocks, and well, dried (And not so dried.) blood.

He just hoped he wasn’t going to find bugs crawling on him later on.

What remained of the big bio mechanical beast he and his companion had been battling was on the ground. All three of them had fallen at great heights, a stronger that he expected punch with long claws making him slip and fall before they stopped. It had hurt, a lot, more because they had been battling for quite the while, and he got the hit directly in already bruised areas. He had been dizzy, and unable to stand up or answer Sonic scream asking if he was okay.

There may be a few broken bones or strained, sprained muscles. A few burned patches, no doubt. Scratch’s, cuts, and bruises that were going to get swollen and hurt like a bitch.

He didn’t think there was internal bleeding? But maybe it was too soon to say?

Sticks broke under his skates, flowers and thick logs that have been throw around as spectators of the battle. The beast laid unmoving, debris all around. He could see a destroyed house not very far, an un-salvable fence and what could be a garden. He could hear some animals screaming near, and the desperate chirping of new baby birds whose parents had fled during the altercate.  

Feeling guilty, he made a mental note to try and search for them, see who could be saved and what needed to be put out of its misery.

— Shadow! — He heard Sonic screech, and quickly wiped around, trying to find from where the blue menace was screaming. He didn`t find him, but he, however, was found indeed.

Just that not by a very tired looking blue cute hedgehog, but by a miserable looking thing that tried to call itself a cyborg. The beast, no doubt an hybrid made in an experimental laboratory seemed to have lost itself in pain, and its feral stare cut sharply to unfocused hazy red eyes.

Fuck.

He dodged the attack with a pant, his body complaining at the every move. It seemed it had finally snapped, as it didn’t mind anymore the pain it felt. It barely growled at him when with a good punch, he managed to take off one of its various mechanical arms.

There was nothing under it, and the view evidently made Shadow feel very uneasy and uncomfortable, because at least there, there should be something. Uneasy enough to make him falter just a bit, and almost get his nose bitten. He got it licked, though.

Was he being mocked?

Was he a joke to Cyborg-thingy?

Falling down hard on his already hurting tail, he barely reacted in time to block its big maw with his skates, clawed hands digging on the soil beneath him as if to not get pushed around. He flexioned, bringing his knees to his chest in the most unexpected moment, making it lose balance for a second.

The second he needed to yank and make it fall forward hard, almost flying over his head.

Shadow felt like screaming, the agony on his body and that twist he did that pulled hard on already sensitive muscles was a lot to deal with, more with his old, still healing, wounds. He lifted his head from the ground, trying to look out for Sonic, wondering where the fuck was his ally. He found him battling with those annoying smoll winged beasts a good few meters apart from where he was, smile all but gone and seriously attacking those bitches.

He made a face, because Shadow barely could fight them without getting nightmares or feeling shivers running down his spine, not that, well, anyone knew. Those things creeped him out. Like. Really. Maybe it was how crazy their eyes looked? How...red? The scars and metal plates peppered over their bodies? The scary looking stiches on mismatched skin? The dark-feeling chaos energy they had?

His stomach lurched just thinking about them.

— Disgusting. — He muttered. They really made him nervous and tense.

"When something was so annoying, it was almost pleasant seeing them disappear or die." It just...He couldn’t get that feeling completely when battling them. Even so.

Erm.

Mh, Wasn`t Sonic being a tad too much on them? He seemed almost...angry?

Maybe he should follow his example. He just needed...5 more seconds. You know. Catch his breath. Swallow back his liver. Pray it goes to where it belong.

Cry?

The usual.

A loud creaking noise made him open his eyes abruptly, and he looked back at his own beast.

Did this dude didn’t know when to give up?

Or how to die?

He rolled out of the way, avoiding a tree being send flying his way. It crashed, hard, close the chaotic house.

Shadow could barely spare it a thought, though. Not when it sprinted towards Sonic, apparently deciding that Shadow was too much of a rough cookie and needed to try his luck somewhere else.

— Nope! — He muttered, standing up as well with a big effort. — Idiot! Wa-Watch out! — He screamed to his distracted rival. Or tried to. He could barely talk. He was becoming dizzy once again.

This was. Concerning. Had he got his head--? Forget it. Of course he did.

Skating the distance between them, he outran the beast, breathing hard, and started trying to attack it, or distract it. He stabbed, punched, pulled, heck, even gave a bite, but the thing ignored him, as if Shadow were nothing but a mere bug. Sonic had long noticed them, but the flying things didn’t left him a chance to go away. They clipped his skin, and avoided his spins. Didn’t reacted to his quills, and clawed at him, don’t letting him leave.

They were so many, it almost looked like a private tornado. Every time Sonic got one down, two more would pop out of nowhere and take its place. They were flying around him, circling, going high and then diving in attack. In made it hard to see Sonic.

Clinging hard to a bit of fur, Shadow managed to climb it. It started to pay him more attention, but didn’t change his direction, adamant in attacking Sonic. Unsteadily, he made his way and managed to make a deep cut on its neck. Digging his claws, he tried to break it. Make it quickly, and stop its pain.

Just end it. Give it peace.

The beast let out a big roar, and his shaking almost threw him at the ground before honestly scared green eyes. A few flying things started to attack him, making it harder to stay put. He really didn’t know if the blood he was seeing mating the beast fur was his, its, or from them.

Because he was kicking their asses as well, yes sir.

He squeezed harder, and the beast tripped and twisted with a yowl. Shadow had to jump before he got crushed beneath it, tackling Sonic on his way, as well, getting both of them out of the way of the beast by rolling on the ground…and well… rocks and branches.

One word.

Ouch.

No good. Really.

No good.

The winged ones flew all around them, in a very messy and menacing mayhem. A lot of them were surrounding The beast, clinging and... Were they taking off with it?

Their wings were beating them, flashes of green, brown, red, metal grey and blue all around. Even the sky above was darkened because of them. They clipped Sonic hands, arms, face, Shadows ears, back. Their screeching was disorienting, painful on sensitive hedgehog hearing.

This time it was Shadow who got pushed to the ground, his whines of agony washed out for all the noise, Sonic rolling them out of the way of a big, big, Winged One. He got a nasty cut (With a sting powerful enough to steal a high yelp of pain) on his side thanks to it, and a push forceful enough to throw him off Shadow and make them roll a bit. Two of them flew way to low, making both of them duck their heads and, in consequence, leaving them unable to see the next attack before too late.

Sharp claws pierced the skin on Shadow back, making him actually scream thanks to the excruciating pain and scaring the ever loving shit out of Sonic, who immediately reached out. Shadow clung to Sonic arms when his body was lifted from the ground. Sonic yelped as well, panic flowing through his body and mind as his upper part was lifted too and couldn’t find purchase with his shoes for 2 petrifying seconds. They weren’t taking Shadow from him.

They couldn’t.

Sonic refused. ___ Hi? Im sorry if this seems like too much, but im proud of how this is coming out, so ! Yes. I just dont know if I should publish only Tumblr. 

[theskyexists]

Spyfall part 1 (spoilers)

Ok so.

I was pleasantly surprised.

I really was.

I thought this was going to be another disaster ( which for me watching a chibs ep means: I am stewing in frustration during and afterwards I think what in the heck was that,  it doesn’t make ANY sense)

I appreciate how the trailer (the good one) was almost completely taken from this first episode - that was well done. I’m not as happy that the motorbiking was much more fun and cool in the trailer than the episode in which it didn’t really involve any stakes only reinforced by all the bullets hitting the motorbikes - harmlessly??

I have to say - that twist. Uh.............???? All I could think was, really? REALLY?? Already? Huh?? I couldn’t believe it. I literally was like - surely not. You’re not now implying this. How can you reboot Missy after ONE series break? That’s really...like, it did not feel right. And I’ll be honest, I was just straight up disappointed by a male Master. Then I thought, well, maybe we’re going to get a worthy opponent for the Doctor.....? :/

However, I like the actor. He gave O a lot of humanity - interestingly. Like O as a character - bit sad he doesn’t exist.

I actually liked the directing, i noticed that the very, very up close stuff - it now really gave a little more subtle panic vibe. The music was.

The pace seemed high to me - so check. Chibs fixed a big problem of mine.

Lots of character moments. Check. Though not being a native speaker and having no access to subtitles i had to really listen very VERY hard for those interactions. I liked the ‘iced tea - possibly.’

We briefly get to find out how the companions are dealing with travelling in combination with their regular lives. Check. Alright then. Graham even discusses it - the temporal disorientation.

The companions are PUT IN DANGER. check, fuckin hell finally. There’s just a bit of suspense in this.

Loved the decided focus on Yaz and Ryan. Check. Ryan being a normal kid not trained for this shit and Yaz smoothing the conversation, taking risks, asking sharp questions, modelling herself after the Doctor - I really like how they contrasted that.

I suspect Ryan casually noticing the weird statue in the glass case is going to be relevant however. (if not - sigh)

Really really liked how Chibs really worked at NOT undercutting the Doctor -  giving her clear moments of authority and genius and unaffectedness as the Doctor is supposed to get.  ‘i got an upgrade’ and having the Doctor chewing people out, interrogating them, negotiating with them - WITHOUT getting self-conscious or self-deprecating - lots of confidence - all of that helped along by multiple special agents coming for the Doctor - implying the need for more force, C mistaking Graham (i like that lil moment) but losing his argument to her, O being such a fan, and the Doctor sassing so much - he really worked on rendering her authority.

He only put in two moments:  ‘I don’t understand’ and ‘I think it’s laughing at you Doc’ - ‘I know that!’ which was so similar to the Tsuranga Conundrum I guess Chibs is going to buckle down on this specific stuff (and I can see how the Doctor sometimes simply admitting to not knowing might be a deliberate and interesting choice) - well if it’s balanced like this it’s alright. NOT so happy about this RANDOM SPY DUDE telling her to go back inside - which is clearly something Chibs wanted to emphasise AGAIN because that bit was completely isolated, that she should listen to other people - always just your regular self-sacrificial well-meaning men!!! (turns out lol they always get killed if she listens to them but the narrative doesn’t acknowledge that.) And i Hate it.

Also actually, that ‘i don’t understand’ was about multiple earths, and she’d just heard that the aliens were going to conquer the ‘universe’, implying they were from somewhere else. Like, if the very normal viewer (me) can see the writing on the wall, then why the fuck can’t the Doctor. I just wish Chibs would stop emphasising his need for his character not to figure out the plot at that moment - at great cost to the character and accompanying power fantasy.

Most of all, I thought the acting was great. Jodie built in a LOT more calm and authority (the script explicitly allowed her that) but also lots of quirkiness. Graham really got a wonderful supporting role dynamic with the Doctor as he does at his best - emphasising her go go go attitude and genius, and Yaz got to have a near-death experience. Bit weirded out that once again, it’s not the Doctor who deals with the fallout of a mission which she’d explicitly sent Yaz on. I also got some VERY ominously heterosexual vibes from Ryan and Yaz there....mostly because of the sister angle.... hmmmm

I liked the topicalness of ‘VOR’ and the dependence of national governments on their expertise and resources but I have no idea where it’s going or whether Chibs just wanted to point out: yeah tech giants (esp google) are powerful. kay. true.

Liked the Doctor doing some computer stuff bc it tickled that women programming narrative.

Loved Graham and Ryan bantering. Loved the moment in the TARDIS with the creatures getting in and Yaz pulling Doctor to attention. Loved the moment that the Doctor was playing a totally different game from blackjack extremely seriously. hahaha. strangely enough loved the moment between O and Yaz in the casino as well though I don’t know what it means. Maybe nothing. (MAYBE YAZ BECOMES THE MASTER)

Anyway as a viewer who’s not super good at theorising - i was like.....????????

A lot of stuff is uh - strange. e.g. Why can the scanner identify 93% human dna but not the 7% alien (or whatever it is) dna? Not sure why Yaz would be able to wipe the camera images of them from a distance (???) but then Barton got them recovered no probs. The car stuff took a bit too long but eh. I also in retrospect have no idea why they’d try to assassinate them via car. Also let’s not talk about everybody sprinting at the same speeds as a plane during take-off.

Anyway. The ‘monsters’ sure are - not exactly scary - but a bit typical. I liked the implication of them not being from this universe bc it’s a bit different. But if the Master is in league with them it’s uhhhh well it’s quite typical. I enjoyed this episode riffing on the spy genre. That is to say, they carried it off - watching the preview i was like...why spies??? but they asked the same question and it worked.

I feel like it would have been possible to make this a little bit more scary, just a little bit more scary. I appreciate that them playing with the lights was supposed to be  that - but surely there’s a more scary way to represent creatures not from this universe - for horror purposes? there is such a primal fear you can tap into.

ANYWAY

the Master literally spelling out ‘everything you know isn’t real’ or whatever makes me feel hopeful about this being not just the face of it all. Multiple universes, multiple masters?, and Yaz got hella zapped and then zapped right back into the midst of the team? interesting huh....

what a weird episode to start off a season with and whether he makes it work or not - that IS quite brave.

forgot to say: they really love instantly killing off their famous guest actors. think Fry did quite a good job with what he got.

also one more thing i LOVED; the Doctor threw herself against the door of the cockpit when the bomb went off in some sort of attempt to protect her companions. wanted that from the Sonic Bomb in Tsuranga (it just fit) and glad i got it here.

when part 2 gets here i might still think: what in the heck that didn’t make ANY sense.

[poppopopopopi]

Settos Top 10 GOTY 2017

Hey guys it’s your mostly inactive friend Setto here. It’s that time again and I’m here to swarm you with my terrible taste in videogames for 2017. SO STRAP YOURSELF IN FOR A LIST THAT’S PROBABLY BETTER THAN WATCHING JUSTICE LEAGUE.

10: Cuphead

A game years in the making, Cuphead brings a fluid and visual masterpiece onto the scene. A fast paced action game based around Boss fights and platforming stages, Cuphead is challenging in all the right ways. The hand drawn art style is a marvel to look at and it plays like a dream. I saw this game all those E3′s ago and never in my life would I imagine it would turn out as such an incredible feat of game design and animation. If you like your games about Cartoon cup men fighting Satan then BOY is this for you!.

9: Sonic Mania

Hey are you tired of SEGA’s fruitless attempts at making Sonic games?. I mean Colors and Generations were good but STILL. Handing a project to Christian Whitehead is the best decision SEGA has ever made. The game is filled with nostalgia from all walks of Sonics life. It has brilliant gameplay that almost perfects the classic Sonic formula and will have anyone smiling all the way through. The physics, the music, the BLAST PROCESSING. This game is the biggest love letter to Sonic that’s ever been produced and I urge you to pick it up even if you have never played a Sonic game before. 

8: Digimon World: Next Order

Did you guys ever play Digimon World 1 on the PS1 and think “Boy I wish they made a sequel to that game that improved on every aspect but kept the Digimon raising in real time”?. WELL GOOD NEWS, This game delivers on that front. It mixes in loads of new mechanics with the town building from the original. There’s a big world to explore with loads of side quests, loads of in depth mechanics for digivolving and LOADS of Digimon to collect. It has plenty of content to keep you playing even after you beat the game and is honestly some of the most fun I’ve had this year. If you want an engaging experience filled with plenty of cool as fuck monsters then get this game. 

7: Nier: Automata

Nier and Drakengard are one of my favorite series ever made. I love Yoko Taros insanity and design that he works into the franchise, I love the deep and complex stories with great characters, deep background lore and plenty of comedic moments. Nier Automata is no different except now platinum are behind the combat which has improved MASSIVELY since the original Nier.

I can’t really go into depth on the game and besides everything that needs to be said has been said already. I’m just gonna say that the game is an incredibly well written and engaging marvel. If you like emotionally devastating storylines that will make you think about what it means to be human then you need to pick up Nier: Asstomata.

6: A Hat In Time

An ADORABLE platformer with perfect controls, great settings, cute as hell characters and loads of the things that have made classic Gamecube platformers a staple in history. This game is just pure joy to play and is the second best Hat based platformer of the year. I’m not gonna go into detail because I don’t want to spoil how great every single stage of this game is since each one changes up the formula to the point where it’s like playing a whole new story. If you like collectathons and great writing then you deserve to treat yourself with this creation of absolute happiness.

5: Yakuza 0

I’ve written about how good Yakuza is like a million times. Yakuza 0 is probably the best entry in the franchise alongside Yakuza 5. While Kiwami also came out this year, it was 0 that came out on top for me. It’s got so much side content that kept me coming back for weeks.

With entire side missions dedicated to real estate and being a hostess manager, the game drags you back in to its great mechanics, satisfying combat and gripping storyline. Seeing the backstory of Majima is heartbreaking and Kazuma getting tangled in this new web of insanity is just as engaging as always. 

Yakuza 0 is probably one of the best games I’ve ever played and stands as a beacon of “THIS IS HOW YOU WRITE A STORY, I’M LOOKING AT YOU HORIZON ZERO DAWN”.

4: Gravity Rush 2

The other cutest game of the year goes to Gravity Rush 2. One of the most creative and enjoyable franchises I’ve ever played. 

As Kat you shift gravity around yourself to explore an incredible world made up of floating islands. You fight off horrible and mysterious creatures called the Nevi all while doing dumb things for townspeople who can’t do shit themselves clearly. These things include marketing ice cream, delivering fast food, stopping the inevitable destruction of your entire planet...wait what?. 

There’s loads of costumes to get for Kat, loads of furniture for your tiny sewer house and plenty of fun gravity shifting to do.

There’s also some horrible abominations of mankind to fight against with an oppressive government.

Sony have basically sent this series to die and are shutting off the servers a year after launch, thanks sony. Guess it wasn’t as good as your terrible looking reboot of God of War.

3: Persona 5

A fucking visual masterpiece and a lesson in how to design something so good looking that it makes me look at myself in the mirror and consider why humans are capable of making such beauty. 

Persona 5 is an engaging and incredible RPG that has great characters, great combat, Amazing music and the style of The Fonz if he ascended to godhood.

Everyone has already said how amazing this game is and it’s a fucking SMT game that’s up for the actual GOTY awards nomination.

What else is there to say?. other than Kawakami is best girl.

2. Super Mario Odyssey

I don’t want to spoil a single thing in this game for anybody. I don’t want to show a single screenshot, talk about a single world or even mention any music.

The game is one of the best games I have ever had the pure joy of even touching. I haven’t been this happy playing a videogame in almost all of my life. This game oozes charm and deserves every single bit of attention it is given. 

There is nothing that can top this masterpiece of mechanically perfect happiness.....OR IS THERE?.

1: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Look I know people have issues with this game, I know people have loads of weird nitpicks and bad opinions. That’s fine. But you don’t get what this game means to me.

After Wind Waker I haven’t purely enjoyed a Zelda game on the same level.

This game defied all expectations I had of it and not only set a standard for Zelda games but set a standard for all open world games.

Every single thing in this game made me realise why I hadn’t been enjoying any open world games in almost a decade. It takes all conventional ideas and turns them into something magical. I never wanted to stop exploring this world.

Every corner has something new, everywhere you go you will see something else you want to go to and I guarantee you something will be there.

Being able to climb any surface takes away all busy work of navigating around small cliff faces just to get somewhere, being able to glide takes away all busywork of having to work your way down. There is so much freedom of choice in this game that you can just go straight to the final boss if you want.

Never have I played something so non linear, so open and so purely incredible.

You can tell they put effort and love into the world they built, you can tell every single inch of this game was thought out to insane lengths. 

Horizon Zero Dawn came out the same week as this game and that game is the most by the numbers, basic ass open world games I’ve ever played. I have no goddamn idea why it’s so popular when it’s honestly a fucking wreck compared to this masterpiece. 

You can go anywhere without being restricted, you can do anything in any order, you can see something in the distance and just climb the fuck out of it. 

I love this game so much, it’s one of the best experiences I’ve ever had with games and something I will never forget.

That about does it for this year, I hope you guys tune in next year!.

[imagine-mystic-messenger-blog]

Hey, so I looked in the bio and it said requests for imagines are opened? You may have your plate full, but if you're bored or something? Anyways, I was wondering if you could do RFA getting jealous? Like a old highschool friend says hi to MC and gets a little too friendly? Or someone starts to flirt? At a café and gets a drink from someone at a different table? Again, just suggestions. Thank you~

Jealous RFA?

*sLAMS HANDS ON TABLE*

SIGN ME TF UP

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

Yoosung

Your cinnamon roll has school and you decide to come see him afterwards bc you’re going to the movies with him

So there you are, in front of the college campus

Wearing something hella cute

And the bois start staring bc they’ve seen Jesus you’re so beautiful

“So pretty~”, “Bih gon be mine”, “You ain’t about that life, Shinji”, stuff like that

And you have no clue this “Shinji” dude is about to approach you bc you see Yoosung 

He saw the guy and figured what he was trying to do from a distance and he was a little uneasy

But then you jump into Yoosung’s arms

And the dude freezes; his pride assassinated

Yoosung just feels a sense of triumph bc he won

And he just smugly winks and sticks his tongue out at the guy like “Haha, I’m the cutest fuck you”

Zen

The beast knight has a day off from work so he wanted to take you out for a stroll

He’s aware of the fangirls and paparazzi but just say the word and he’ll take you to somewhere private

YOU CAN’T CATCH ME DIRTY THOUGHTS (Dirty thoughts: *whispering* Yes we can~)

Anyway, he takes you to one of his favorite places to eat as the evening ends

You both sit at a booth and look at menus

It’s all good; you’re both just chatting about cute shit

And then, a waitress places a tall glass of Pina Colada (I’m Spanish; fite me keyboard) in front of you

But you’re like??? This isn’t my drink

But the waitress points to a guy and says, “Compliments from that man over there”

And the guy waves at you with a flirtatious smirk, probably tipsy

Zen doesn’t hesitate to get up and unleash his fury by slugging the guy in the face

You’re shooketh (not that you expected anything less; I mean come on, it’s Zen)

The drunkard gets scared and scampers away

You’re flattered Zenny protected you, but you assure him he didn’t have to do that

And he’s just like:

“Are you kidding, babe? There’s no way I can just stand there while some prick hits on you! You’re my princess, and I won’t lose my princess to anyone.”

*cue the otome heroine sparkles and blushies*

You just leave it at that and leave the restaurant with your knight in shining armor, hand in hand

Jaehee

Baehee may be a little stoic, but due to her insecurities, she’d be worried about you finding someone better

WHO WOULD EVER HURT THIS ANGEL??

The pang in her heart happens when you run into your ex at the book store

Jaehee only takes a simple glance at her and automatically assumes the ex is a goddess compared to her own self

So she says nothing as the ex speaks small talk to you

After dismissing yourself, you and Jaehee leave and go home

Jaehee speaks to you again, but she sounds disheartened and you already know what’s up

You ask her what’s wrong and she says:

“I’m sorry, I just… felt uneasy.”

You can’t help but giggle, thinking how cute she looks, although you feel terrible that you haven’t noticed her behavior before

You assure her she’s the only one for you and there’s no need to feel like that

*cue the hugs~*

Jaehee feels a lot better now and she has nothing to worry about

Especially when she sees your ex again and she can simply give her a smug look

HAHA I WIN BITCH

Jumin

JUJU IS PETTY AF WHEN HE’S JEALOUS I SHIT YOU NOT

I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s caring and shit, but hE WON’T LOSE TO ANYONE

Then he’ll be like THIS in the end:

Anyway, it’s story time

You decide to visit his work place to give him his lunch you made yourself bc you’re wifey

And he’s speaking to a new intern, in which you recognize from somewhere

“(Y/N)? Oh my gosh, it really is you! We went to high school together, remember?”

You greet the man and agree that it’s been a while

You expect Jumin not to be so concerned but he’s like UM YOUR MAN IS RIGHT HERE

I guess the guy didn’t realize you and Jumin were married bc after talking with Jumin and taking the almost empty container, the guy asks if you want to stop and get a cup of coffee after work to catch up

Before you can answer, here comes Jumin with his super sonic hearing ass-

He just grabs your shoulders and kisses you in front of the guy

Then just says smirking: 

“I’ll see you at home, my angel.”

The guy is shook, everyone is shook, Beyonce makes a special appearance

The petty is real, guys

Seven

Saeyoung is unpredictable; let’s face it

He’ll either brush it off bc he already knows you love him or beat himself up at the possibility of losing you

Or both

DON’T EVER LET THIS BOI DO BOTH PLZ

He could’ve gotten jealous of a guy or girl, but nope

He’s jealous of a DOG

That’s right; you found a lost puppy outside without a collar and decide to take him in

Seven was on board with it at first, but later regretted it bc you’re spending more time with the puppy than with him

HE EVEN DRESSES LIKE A DOG FOR YOU

Like?? Really Seven? We can’t just ignore him

Of course you both make flyers so the owner could claim the pup, but it’s been about a week and he’s starting to lose hope

Before you decide to keep the puppy, a little girl and a woman knocks on the door with one of the flyers and a collar

The woman is the girl’s mother and explains her daughter lost the puppy at the park and is so happy he was found

It's hard for you to let the puppy go (bc dogs are great), but you know it’s the right thing to do

Seven’s should be glad the puppy’s not here anymore, but he low-key misses him

But she shrugs it off like: “Oh well! I now have Lady 606 to myself! YAHOO!”

You laugh, surprised that Seven was jealous of an innocent puppy

But you still feel a little bad, so you shower him with attention and cuddles

Seven’s a happy boi

[chaos2go]

I don’t mean to tear apart a vent, but I’m going to. Given I’m a mean bully apparently. And excuse me as I may get a little too rude.

I’m a little late weighing in on the silly little vent from what’s her face. We’ll just call her Sonic as that was her old username. Only time that’ll be in here. Apparently it’s okay that she vents outside dA but how dare I. That aside, I want to grab two bits from it just to tear apart from a literary view.

“I’m tired of feeling like a screw up. / I’m sick of being mistreated. / [...] I’m tired of being disrespected and having my trust crapped on.”

Me too. Me too. But what in the world does that even mean? Are you talking about me venting in the first place way back when? Because I told you it never pertained to you. Now it does. Oh wait sorry, this thing was about family.

Take a chew on this: People can be mean. People can be rude. Sometimes they do this because they are frustrated too. Or they are trying to help and don’t know how to properly. Sometimes it’s not even trying to be mean but rather trying to instruct in a proper way so you can get somewhere.

I trusted you not to ruin my name. I trusted that you were a changed person. I never disrespected you until things fell apart. And I’m doing my best not to tag you or any of your friend’s tumblr in this so you don’t have to see it. But I have a feeling you’ll see this and suddenly there will be vent art on dA on some alt account. When really all you have to do is send me an anon ask to unblock you and I will if you’re goddamn willing to talk. And guess what? We could reach a middle ground and one stress would go away!

THAT IS ME GIVING A HAND OF TRUST. SO DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT YOUR TRUST HAS BEEN CRAPPED ON. I trusted you on so many levels. I never once asked you to do art for me, I never once purposefully guilted you into doing anything for me, and I never once thought that you would outright block me for the dumbest reasons. I was rude but I apologized. I caught my faults and tried to reach a middle ground every time. But that’s your right when it comes to block. You can go right ahead and do it. That’s fine. Watching your state continue to deprive has not wrought me any pain as I originally wanted to help. But you also don’t realize that a good majority of your friends and that MM group are just trying to rub you just the right way to get things. Have you not seen the comment on a very popular Twili Artist’s page from the founder of said group? It drips ass kissing. These are the people you hang with. These are the people you are proud to call friends. Friends don’t kiss ass 100%. Friends can call shit on each other. I’m sure I will be called out for being brutal here. And most understand this is but a portion of my annoyance and anger.

But to the next point.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I have life “easy” and that someone may think I have everything in the world, even though I lost most of my teen years hiding from some of my horrid traumas because I didn’t know how to deal with them. I’m sorry I was a kid when I sacrificed my adulthood to save my mother’s life while everyone else hid from her. I apologize that I’m not the ideal “Adult”.”

Um... I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you feel overwhelmed but have you ever stepped outside your own situation and realized how easy you do have it compared to others? There are people like me who are working overtime trying to pay what they owe while enjoying life. I’m stressed out too. You have it easier because your parents are trying to help you. That doesn’t mean you have it easy though like you stated. It means that you have the wonderful joy of focusing on your failures. Which lemme tell you, focusing on the problem doesn’t help you move forward. Have your cry and move on. As much as it sucks to say, doing nothing about bad things makes them worse. Depression included. You’re free to have your feel like crap days but you also need to try and do something. Even if it’s something as simple as meeting up with one friend for an hour. Doing tiny little things adds up. Finding solutions. You apparently made a step with a counselor. You see your problems and you avoid them or don’t want to deal. You can deal with your issue with me yet, you can try to find somewhere to go to live to deal with the other issue. It’s you stopping your self.

Also have you ever considered that perhaps you being in that situation is bad for you? Because to me you’re either exaggerating them trying to help you or the scolding OR it really is happening and you need to remove yourself. Both are plausible solutions. I mean you can’t tell me you can’t try to set up a trip to visit a friend you cherish oh so much just to test out said theory. Because it happened for me. It happened for Fera. It’s not impossible with some ingenuity.

Want an example of a bad situation though? When I lived with my dad after my mom passed I ended up taking care of him. At near 16 I had to take care of my own father. Bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. The only time I had fun when I wasn’t home. I complained to my friends all the time about my situation. I needed escape. My escape came when the house was going to be foreclosed. I shouldn’t have had to take care of my father and it took me years to realize it. It damaged me a lot and I’m still recovering from it. So don’t give me that bullshit that you had to save your mom, that a past experience held you back, etc. You need to not just recognize what happened but deal with it in a positive manner. You need to take care of you first as you are over 18. There are programs to help you, there are people to help you, there are things you can do. I’m not saying shrug off your family. I’m saying make a distance. It’s incredible how me leaving my dad actually helped him get somewhere. He is much better than where he was when I lived with him despite still having issues.

So don’t give me this crap that you literally cannot do anything. Money can be an issue. Money will always be an issue. But you have to work to solve problems. You can’t pray everything away. You can’t hope everything away. Sometimes you have to put a foot down. A thing I did with you that you thought me too cruel when I wasn’t even being at my best. And at this point in writing it, I am only on the beginning stages of anger.

How dare you imply that you are literally trapped when you are the one doing it to yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself. Learn to use your resources, learn that others have had similar experiences, and that you can fucking change your own life. It isn’t my responsibility to lick your shoes and solve problems for you. I was supposed to be a friend to help you through things. Believe it or not, at one point I would have offered to try and help you get away for a visit! Isn’t that amazing? Me spending money I don’t have to help someone? How absurd. it’s not like I haven’t done that in the past or have continued to do it.

You’re absolutely right though. The world isn’t about you and you’re allowed to vent when you’re hurt. But you also need to realize that people can be blunt and supportive at the same goddamn time! Stop playing the victim in every situation, take some fault even if it isn’t 100% yours, and find solutions!

The door is still open to make amends with me. Gaining the trust I had with you is possible but it will take a long time if ever. I don’t want to deal with your shit if it’s going to be the same as before. And you know damn well if you even try to apologize for a misstep I will call you on it and we will be done. Not that I expect you to even try. I do expect you to see this and run away however.

[welcome-to-haven]

Okay, time to set some groundwork.

I need to start documenting shit or else the purpose of this blog will go to waste.

So, as the first post actually talking about Haven, I will say that most of this stuff is not final. Much of it will be subject to change, especially when I go into the history, geographical layout, and in-world lore.

Because this is going to be a long post with a rant-esque structure and since I’m on my laptop, I’ll include this read more line, so I don’t take up too much space on dashboards.

Okay, so now that you’re here and reading this, let’s get to work.

First off: “What exactly is Haven?”

Haven is a country/continent placed in an Alternate Universe of our current Earth. It is placed within the Bermuda Triangle and is home to many unique features, species, and cultures, while maintaining its status as a melting pot of different types of people and cultures.

Oh yeah, plus it’s made mostly of floating islands in the sky. Forgot to mention that.

Right now my current base to pull inspiration from is Angel Island from the Sonic the Hedgehog series (as it is not only large, but it also has many diverse areas), Japan, and the UK.

Okay, so, what type of timeline is this version of Haven in?

So, in this AU, I want it to be largely similar to the real timeline, up until the end of WWII and the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan.

So, you know how there are many theories as to why ships and planes can’t make it in the Bermuda Triangle? What if up until the dropping of the bombs, there were clouds and fog, constantly surrounding the area? But once the second bomb fell, it somehow affected that and nullified its barrier-like abilities permanently.

So, a little after the war, a pilot (I kinda want to make it one of the members of the Tuskegee Airmen) was flying transatlantic but went off course somewhere along the line. Being that the natural barrier had been destroyed, he unknowingly goes into the Bermuda Triangle without crashing. In the triangle, he finds these huuuge islands in the sky.

The one that seemed to be the main island was roughly the size of a small to decent sized continent. All the islands seemed to have been connected by large, towering chains and bridges that spanned miles.

So, the pilot lands his plane in a field on the main island. He thinks he’s either died and gone to some sort of Heaven or that he’s discovered a whole new place, undiscovered and waiting for him to stake his claim. Theeeen, someone sees him from a distance and approaches him.

But, the person who approaches him isn’t fully human, they are a half-elf. Though luckily, the half-elf realizes that the pilot is speaking English, and begins to do the same (breaking the problem of a language barrier pretty early on).

Okay, so I know how much of a coincidence it might seem that an inhabitant of this previously isolated fantasy continent speaks English, but there is a reason.

At some points in time, before the bombs fell, the barrier would become temporarily nullified. When this would happen, many inhabitants would go to the nearest islands for a short amount of time, one which happened to be Bermuda.

There are many points in history where ships would wreck in the reefs around Bermuda. (Many that I use can be found here: [x] ) Three significant shipwrecks to Haven’s development occurred in 1556, involving Captain Mesmin and a group of French privateers; 1596, involving the 350-ton merchant treasure ship San Pedro from the Spanish colonial period; and 1609, with the wreck of the “Sea Venture”.

Coincidentally, the times when the barrier weakened aligned with many of the wrecks.

During these times, the inhabitants would assist survivors, often gaining tokens of appreciation from them that they took back to Haven. These encounters helped in developing the beginnings of the use of the French, English, and Spanish languages in Haven

Many of the inhabitants diverse, sometimes inhuman, appearances assisted in christening the nickname “ya de demonios” or “Isle of Devils”.

Now back to the pilot and the half-elf.

So, I guess they talk a bit or something, and eventually the pilot makes his way to the capital (too lazy and tired to come up with something like small talk right now).

So, the way I want the government of Haven to work is similar to America and France’s. I want it to be a democracy. I also want it to not be very corrupt. There should also probably be political parties, but instead of only two or a handful, I want there to be plenty of different parties to diversify different ideals. There should also be a president, elected strictly through popular vote, instead of an electoral college.

So, the pilot is invited to meet the president of Haven.

Blah blah blah

So then the pilot goes back to America with news for the world.

Aaaand that’s as far as I want to go with the history right now. I’m torturing myself with this research.

Now, a fun part that I want to include: Dragons.

Now, being that Haven will basically be a fantasy continent set in modern times, and being that dragons and our current times don’t really mix very well, how am I going to implement them?

Imagine for a second, a dragon, and when it hatches it is smol, like a large lizard, maybe. Then as it gets older it slowly grows. Now, instead of it growing to be the size of buildings, what if it grows to be in the ranges of the size of a cat; a knee-high creature, possibly comparable to some dog breeds; and maybe even the size of an average human (maybe like around 5’ tall).

In other words, domesticated pet dragons could exist. The size would depend on the breed, so you can still fly on some. And maybe even the large dragons could still exist, but maybe they just wish to remain hidden to the world.

That’s all that I can come up with right now. I hope you liked it, and maybe this blog will pay off in the long run. I’ll start to get into a lot of my ideas for culture and everyday life in Haven some other time.

Holy fuck am I exhausted. I’ve been working on this since last night. I got off of Fall Break today, so I’ve had to squeeze in writing this on my phone as much as I could in between classes.

If you read all of this, you are an amazing person, and I’m sorry for making such a long post

[fromtheringapron]

Ranking the Songs on Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II

I had so much fun last year ranking the songs on WWE Originals that I’ve decided to travel back time over 30 years ago to ranks the songs on Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II. The first Wrestling Album was one of Vince McMahon’s many attempts in the mid ‘80s to present the WWF as a circus the whole family could love. They had a Saturday morning cartoon so why not take things one step further with an album featuring the WWF superstars themselves? In many ways, it was also the natural result of their relationship with MTV. Amazingly though, requisite player Cyndi Lauper didn’t partake. Instead, it was a pretty mixed bag of some of the most iconic entrance themes of the era and songs that were quickly forgotten, probably rightly so.

The second Wrestling Album follows that same formula. However, if its predecessor felt like a one-note gimmick, the sequel feels much more in touch with the pop sensibilities of the day. In addition to featuring more songs that would go on to serve as the entrance themes for several of the superstars here, there are a couple of tracks that could’ve blended right in with ‘80s Top 40. Even if their partnership with MTV was over by the time of the sequel’s release, 8 of the 10 tracks here got music videos, all released on a hot Coliseum Video release. Yes, there are some duds. Oh, boy, are there duds! No music production where Vince McMahon is involved would be complete without them. And you bet I’m gonna cover and rank all of them. As always, songs are linked in each entry so without further ado, let’s get to it:

1 (best). “Demolition” by Rick Derringer: A head-banger’s ball of loud noise and Hell roaming the earth⏤that’s literally the best way to describe this and I don’t even think it makes a whole lot of sense. This isn’t just the best song on the album; this is one of the best entrance themes in history. It can’t be stated enough how much this raised the bar on what a wrestler’s theme song could be. It manages to perfectly capture the essence of Demolition, the tag team, whilst sounding like an actual demolition. It sounds like burning buildings and brick walls getting bulldozed over, demon spawn crawling out from under the heaps of rubble. You can hear the Motley Crues of the world shake in fear somewhere in the distance. The thing is, Derringer already had enough of an accomplished music career at the time that he didn’t need to partake in such a gimmicky album, let alone give the performance of a lifetime. He didn’t need to go to this hard but he totally did. What an act of generosity. Bless him.

2. “Jive Soul Bro” by Slick: There’s no doubt the Slick character was largely birthed out of Vince McMahon’s racism. There’s also no doubt this song is a byproduct of that. Even its title should tell you how well Vince understands black culture. So with all that going against it, it’s practically a miracle the performer and producers have created something this stellar. This is an endlessly listenable piece of old-school hip hop, featuring some dope ass Santana guitar. There are so many ways it could’ve gone wrong but if it were to take its cues from anything, I’m happy it’s “The Message” by Grandmaster Flash. The sound is, well, pretty slick and could sound fresh on a dozen songs. Slick may have be presented as a stereotype, but he brings a ton of personality to this track. I personally love the inclusion of the female vocals. “NO WAY YOU JIVE LITTLE MOUSE” is certainly a highlight. It feels like I’m just listing off the good things about it, but I’d like to think they all tie together to make the song fantastic. It could’ve been a one-note production; it opts to revel in the potential of a three-dimensional world where Slick is the central character.

3. “Piledriver” by Koko B. Ware: Okay, so this actually slaps. Koko is the one member of the WWF roster who could’ve made a little career in music out for himself. He’s got so much charisma in his voice that it’s kinda remarkable it didn’t take him anywhere outside of this album. He almost makes me forget about the Sesame Street-level lyrics to this which include but not limited to “First you think you’re so strong/ but something goes wrong/it feels like a big bad mistake.” Love is said to be like a piledriver, as I guess they needed to tie it all back into wrestling somehow. Luckily, Koko’s voice isn’t the only distraction we have from the lyrics. The production is unexpectedly badass. It has absolutely no right to go as hard as it does. They could’ve turned it into a schmaltzy ballad but, god bless us all, they chose to dress it up in a leather jacket and torn jeans. Maybe love does feel like a pile driver. I don’t know; I’m not an expert. But if this song is any indication, it does at least sound good hitting the mat.

4. “Honky Tonk Man” by The Honky Tonk Man: Come on, you can’t just have The Honky Tonk Man not have a song on the album. That would’ve been remembered as one of the biggest blown opportunities in the history of recorded music, I’m sure. Anyway, this is everything it should be. Matches the gimmick perfectly. It’s catchy but never lets us forget that HTM himself is a total dweeb. Then opening guitar is now the stuff infamy. When it played in the arena, the fans knew a real asshole was about to walk his way down to the ring. I’ve never been a huge fan of throwback music because it often comes off as tacky and totally misses the point of what its bygone era of music so great. There was a troubling time in American history where we allowed The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies to make a career out of that sort of thing. But since the whole point here is to be as tacky as possible, I’m totally okay with it. It’s audio proof that a bad Elvis impersonation can really work.

5. “Girls in Cars” by Robbie Dupree & Strike Force: This is the biggest slice of ‘80s cheese on the album, which is appropriate because Strike Force is one of the definitive squeaky clean babyface tag teams of the era. I’ve always found the presentation of Strike Force kinda weird. Tito Santana and Rick Martel as teen idols? When they’re clearly two thirtysomething dudes with spouses and children? What? Why? Sonically, this is no different than a billion other pop rock songs of the era. It’s kinda catchy, kinda sounds like Uncle Jesse from Full House getting his big break. Dupree actually boasts some impressive credentials, with a Grammy nom for Best New Artist under his belt. He also had a top 10 hit in “Steal Away” which I’m sure you can hear playing at a CVS near you. Sadly, none of this can distract me from the fact that it’s still a song for two married dudes who are going too hard to reenact their best high school days which makes the overall effect really, really awkward.

6. “Waking Up Alone” by Hillbilly Jim & Gertrude: If there were ever a more unexpected song, I’d like to here it. When I first listened to it, I thought I’d actually made a mistake. Did I accidentally listen to the wrong song? Of course I didn’t but, man, this is so frickin’ bizarre. Hillbilly’s “Don’t Go Messin’ With a Country Boy” from the first Wrestling Album is kind of a bop but if you came into this album expecting more of the same, you’d be dead wrong. In fact, a standard ‘80s adult contemporary ballad is one of the last things you’d expect. Perhaps even more of a shock is that this is actually, um, not bad?!? I can’t hate on an 80’s ballad that knows its way around synths and percussion. Hillbilly’s voice is largely what you’d expect, though not super terrible or anything. Gertrude is the real standout here. I’ll probably never know her real identity, but she’s such a welcome presence on an album filled with muscled dudes trying to be singers. How did this poor woman get roped into this project again?

7. “Crank It Up” by Jimmy Hart: Literally every wrestler in the ‘80s and ‘90s used this as their entrance theme at some point.  Yes, literally every wrestler. I’m convinced of it. Recent WWE Network discoveries show even The Rock used it in a pre-debut dark match. Its status as a relatively evergreen piece of music isn’t all that surprising though. It’s generic heavy metal that can fit a wide range of gimmicks. Unfortunately, this isn’t anywhere near as catchy as it thinks. Jimmy Hart obviously has the chops to make a recordable song, but the trade off here is one that’s blandly competent at best. It tries to answer the question: is Jimmy Hart a rock ’n’ roll badass? And the answer is, no, he’s not. It’s really jarring to hear him talk about picking up chicks in his car or some shit. I can’t buy Jimmy as anything other than an annoying little mouse. I mean, that’s what the WWF wanted us to believe, right? This would be fine if it were parody, except I don’t think this is meant to be.

8. “If You Only Knew” by WWF Superstars: This sounds cute, in theory. Your favorite WWF superstars coming together to do some Band Aid collaboration should be at least get on through the absurdity alone. But in practice? Meh. Everyone sounds like they’re not even in the same studio with each other. That shouldn’t be surprising, but at least try to work me, y’know? There also aren’t any hilarious lines I’d usually expect with something like this. Just sounds like everyone is half-asking their part (except for Koko who, even in this bit role, seems to be stretching his vocals to their limit).It’s not even all that catchy, really. Astonishingly, this includes the only appearance of Hulk Hogan on this album. You’d think he would’ve had his own song here considering, y’know, he’s on the fucking cover. How dare they ignore the would-be bassist of Metallica like that? Oh well. At least we have the amazing Slammys performance to make up for all of this.

9. “Stand Back” by Vince McMahon: Dear god, where do I begin? Even if you’re not familiar with ‘80s wrestling, you may still recognize this one anyway, given its usage in the DX/McMahons feud of 2006. Its meme status aside, this is pure cringe. Maybe this is Vince’s way of waving his finger at the Jim Crocketts and Verne Gagnes of the world who doubted his clown shoes of a wrestling company. I honestly wouldn’t doubt he’d be that petty and ridiculous. Come on, who else could he be telling to stand back? It’s always fun to look for glimpses of the evil Mr. McMahon character he’d become, and it’s right here when he uses the the throaty “You’re firrrrreeedddd!” voice. Except he tries using it as a singing voice and the results are hilariously awful. I’m not sure who convinced him to do this, but I think it’s telling how it was brought up all those years later as a way to embarrass him. 

10 (worst). “Rock & Roll Hoochie Koo” by Gene Okerlund & Rick Derringer: To be fair, this isn’t the disaster I was dreading. I fully expected Mean Gene doing some excruciating throwback shit, but this is thankfully just him getting up on the stage on karaoke night after too many drinks. That doesn’t mean it’s good, because it definitely isn’t. While there are plenty of other songs here that can easily stand on their own two legs, this is one that totally feels like a novelty. After all, this is merely a cover version of Derringer’s lone solo hit from the ‘70s, so it feels kinda lazy. Did we really need Mean Gene’s take on it? Like, his take on the Star Spangled Banner at the first WrestleMania is more inspired than this. The production makes Mean Gene’s voice disappear under various guitar screeches, which is probably a wise decision. If I had my druthers, however, this entire song could disappear off the album altogether and I wouldn’t even care.

So there you go. Agree or disagree with this ranking? Am I just spouting nonsense? Will we ever see The Wrestling Album III? Is love really like a piledriver? While you’re pondering these questions, give this album another spin and, of course, don’t forget to crank it up.

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching Oxygen for the first time

(A bit late, but still, spoilers)

-”Space, the final frontier.”

-REALLY DOCTOR

-YOU HAD TO OPEN THE EPISODE WITH A STAR TREK QUOTE DIDN’T YOU

-IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR OWN FRANCHISE

-well at least the rest of the lines are different

-This reminds me of the movie Gravity

-Okay, if there’s something I did learn from that sorta-scientifically-incorrect movie, it’s that you NEVER EVER pant in space. You end up spending too much oxygen.

what the?

hELL?!?!

FUCK NO WHY

-Okay, lemme just add ‘space zombies’ to the list of horrrible things we have seen so far in Series 10 alone.

Omfg he drew a rocket

-”So how does space kill you?”

-”Don’t hold your breath or your lungs will explode.”  Didn’t Arthur Dent hole his breath or do I need to re-read the book

Oh, he was drawing a skull, oh that’s clever

-Please don’t let it be foreshadowing

-”What’s this got to do with crop rotation?”  “I don’t know, space is great, isn’t it?”

So I think it was pretty much confirmed that Missy is going to be in next week’s episode, which makes me think that it’s pretty much her who’s in that vault.

-”Too much between you and the outside and you might as well stay home. To really feel it, you need the space equivalent of a wafer-thin sleeping bag and a leaky two-man tent.“ “Got any reviews?“ "What?” "You know, like for restaurants. Waiter was a bit handsy, lasagne gave me "Two stars.” "Strangely, no.”

-Maybe the Doctor should be the Campsite Reviewer of the universe when he retires.

-*alarm noises*  “That’s my theme tune. Otherwise known as a distress call.”

-Hahaha, silly Doctor. That’s not your theme tune.

-Your theme tune doesn’t go beep beep beep, it goes dooooweeedoooooooo.

-Either that or the BBC should use the beeping sound as the intro for the next episode.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

-BUSTED!!

-”I saw through your cunning ruse.”

Rule #1: The Doctor lies.

-Soooo how big is the Tardis’s big-enough-for-a-stroll air shell, exactly? Like one step forward after a certain distance, then you could suddenly run out of air?

-”Space doors are supposed to go shk-shk, not urrrrr.“

I love Series 10 dialogue so much

-Have I told you how much I love Series 10 dialogue

Ah yes the plastic human taxidermy

“Sooooo... Back to the Tardis?”

-Love that part

-The corpse is starting to get to me

-THIRTY SIX DEAD?!

-”OkAY thennnn back to the TARDIS, LoVELy in there, nIcE and cOZY”

-Please don’t let this be Silence in the Library the Sequel

b O N K

a A  A A  A A

l o l

-”Do people ever hit you?”  “Well, only when I’m talking.”

-OH SHIT THEY’RE EXPELLING THE FUCKING OXYGEN

-Why did the Tardis door close though

-Was it to stop additional air escaping from the Tardis

h a i r

*Doomsday flashbacks*

Wouldn’t the Tardis get stuck in the doorway though

-”The Tardis is on the other side of that.”  ”Yes, I was really hoping that someone would state the obvious.“  “Vacuum behind it, can’t open it.”  “Oh, you’re on a roll.”

-”Nothing to worry about.”  “Really?”  “Yes, not for several minutes.”

wHAT THE FUCK

-How did it pull the sonic screwdriver towards it?

-7256403 0 days since you last broke your sonic

-”What if you’re wrong?”  “Well, we’ll be horribly murdered!”

“Walking Dead: Into Space”

-I find myself breathing along with them.

-One thing good about me is that even when I become aware of my breathing, I can divert my attention to something else and become unaware again fairly quickly.

-”Great, we rescued a racist.”

-But if the employees get paid by oxygen, wouldn’t they just go look for another job that actually pays them where they can breathe freely?

-Or are they pushed to the extreme where they’re forced to work or suffocate and doesn’t have any alternative

-THE FUDGE D’YOU MEAN, FAULT IDENTIFIED

-WHAT THE HECK, ARE THEY BREAKING IN

-Every single Series 10 episode so far was a nightmare in some way and so is this one

-They’re really putting in every

-”Please remain calm while your central nervous system is disabled.”  LIKE HECK YEAH I’D BE SO FUCKING CALM IF I WAS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED BY A SPACESUIT, WHAT A CALMING SENSATION OF DEATH AND ELECTRICITY

-”Don’t throw up in helmet then. Check.”

-...shit?

-SHIT?!?!

-BILL?!??!!?!11one!!?!

-BILL NO DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME

-YOU’RE NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEASON YET BILL

-BILL!!!!!!

-WTF IS GOING ON

-DID THE DOCTOR TAKE OFF HIS HELMET

-WHAT THE EVER LOVING SHI-EEEET

Ah, delicious irony.

-”He died?”  ”He should have done. I don't know how he survived.”  Timelord powers

-Too early for regeneration, yes? Please?

-”He’s in Section Twelve.”  HA GET IT BECAUSE HE’S THE TWELFTH DOCTOR

DAFUQ

-”You’re blind.”  “Oh, that explains the bruised shins.”

-WHAT

-WHY

-TEMPORARY MY ASS  (I got spoiler’d on Tumblr, really, too bad. Could’ve been a good plot twist for me)

-”I think I've got some spare eyes somewhere. They're from a lizard, but I'm sure they'll fit.”

-(How did they do the blurry eye effect? Did they use contact lenses?”

-”What’s happening?”  “Guess.”

-”Great, i get fined for dying.”

Please give the owl his sight back.

-SHIT NO??? IS BILL DEAD?? I THOUGHT SHE LIVED?!?!?!

-Kudos to Peter Capaldi for that blind acting

-Something bad always happens when the Doctor is in a spacesuit.

-Once, he got possessed by an angry planet, shot fire from his eyes and had to be put in a freezer.

-Then, he almost messed up a timeline by pulling a Martian team out of their supposed time of death.

-The other time, he fell from way outside of the atmosphere in a spacesuit, he was okay but had his helmet on backwards.

-He also had something to do with the moon that was actually a giant egg.

-”Are you of your mind?”  "Er, yes, completely, but that's not a recent thing.”

-This is a suicidal plan. And especially more suicidal than his normal plans. It’s really dark...

Oh my god...

-(At least the team gets to live.)

YAAAASSS

How did they do that, again? Also, I thought his eyes were blue?

-I’m just gonna lie to myself and think he can see again

-At least it looks normal again

-”The universe is your crrrustacean.”

-What does that even mean

-”Promise me you’ll be loud.”

-Why is he wearing shades

-”Doctor, why are you suddenly wearing shades all the time all of a sudden?”  “Oh, I just thought it would be cool. I’m definitely still not blind.”

-”You need to be here, and you need to be READY if that door ever opens!”  You mean there’s a chance of whoever/whatever is inside it breaking out?!

-”What if you came back injured or sick? You really think our friend down there won't know that? Won't sense it?“  Whoever’s down there is connected to the Doctor in some way (obviously.)

-99.9% of theories suggest - no, INSIST - it’s Missy down there but I’m still open for all possibilities

-”LOOK AT ME!”  “Nardole, I can't. I really can't! I can't look at anything ever again. I'm still blind.”

-*sobs quietly*

-Okay, that line was delivered really well, and I love how they blacked out the screen when he said “I’m still blind,” as if the viewers themselves went blind as well.

-BUT IMAGINE THE ‘OH SHIT’S I’D HAVE WRITTEN IF I WAS UNAWARE OF THIS FACT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING

-IMAGINE THE PLOT TWIST HITTING ME LIKE A COLD SODA HITS YOUR THROAT

-DAMMIT

-Welp, still looking forward to the next episode (which, I think, comes out later today or tomorrow, depending on time zones.)

[thebigcitynightsband]

ALMOST AWAKE

We knew from day one that we’d never see fame or anything remotely like it with this endeavor, but in the words of Robert Pollard, “we began making records anyway, just to have them.” That’s right. Just to have them. Lord knows we have nothing else. Doomed to obscurity. Born to bar band.

That’s our old MySpace bio, written in 2007 and remaining unchanged for our entire tenure on MySpace, from Tom to Murdoch.

I’ve talked about how much I miss MySpace on this blog before ( “Her Geography” was originally called “MySpace Memories”), but I suspect that I miss that particular time in my life, not MySpace itself.

I’ve also written about internet nostalgia before and how strange it feels. The architecture of the internet makes the experience of being online feel seamless from day to day because the changes are small and rarely jarring. A feature added here, another feature deleted there. A new interface, a new button. Small novelties are revealed in comfortable increments. But small changes add up to big ones over time, and although the pace of this accumulation might seem glacial, often I glance up at my computer screen and think about how fucking different the internet was ten years ago.

But, as you know if you’ve followed this band for any length of time, my tendency to look back with wistful longing is not reserved for the internet. Nostalgia is the defining condition of my life.

Back in 2011 me and my friend Russell released an album called Brampton Comes Alive under the moniker The Flower City 3, a band we’d been trying to start since I emailed about it in 2006. We tried to enlist Ryan Hacker and make an album about Brampton, but Hacker was less enthusiastic about the idea. Russell and I saw it as a challenge, writing song about Brampton, but Hacker saw it as a constraint. So we told people that Brampton was the third member of the group and made an album. I’m really happy with the finished product, even if the second half gets a little depressing, care of a tune called “Never Gonna Be Back Home” that I wrote. We did the vocals in a room I stayed in briefly on Cecil with a testy roommate who hated noise, so we only had one take to do the song before he came home and told us to stop recording, and I was happy that I got the screams right in the chorus. You can hear the song here: https://theflowercity3.bandcamp.com/track/never-gonna-be-back-home-2 For the packaging, we got Russell’s brother Luke to drive around Brampton and take photos. We chose one of Shopper’s World for the front cover, but the physical record had a booklet with five or six other photographs. The lone review we got for the record, by a blog called iheartmusic, was savage. He said it was the worst record he’d ever heard, which hurt a little, but I was glad that we made it. It was a nostalgic collection of song, to be sure, our mission statement being: this album is dedicated to Brampton, not as it is, or even as it was, but as we remember it, echoing the old maxim that what happens isn’t as significant as how you remember it. 

I thought that finishing and releasing that Flower City 3 record would finally cure me of my nostalgia, but it didn’t. I became more and more introspective, to the point where most of BCN songs are about the loss of friendship or the loss of youth. I don’t just want the band to be a self-therapy vehicle for me, but it’s hard to fight what comes naturally. Metal bands write about ancient medieval battles or zombies climbing mountains. Punk bands write about pizza and girls. And The Big City Nights Band writes songs about nostalgia and friendship. So here we are, with a new record that serves as a callback to the past.

We have an old song on Deep Space Bistro called “Almost Awake,” an off-kilter, shoegazey kind of thing, with a lot of delay on the guitar. The song was recorded in late spring 2008 around the same time I was finishing up the final mixes for A Steamroller Named Desire. I was with Jessica at the time, and I remember meeting her somewhere in Chinatown to grab food. She'd taken the bus down from Brampton while I'd spent the day recording the song. We brought the food back to my attic bedroom and ate while I played her the mix. I tried to get her to sing on it, but she wasn't comfortable with it. Previously she'd been excited to sing on songs, and we did a lot of recording together. Her voice can be found on "Be Mine This Xmas," "Hockey Night In Canada," "Greensong," "Canadian Baseball," "I'm A Skymaker," "Until They Smile," "Between Important Syllables," "Jawbreakers," "Summer Sports," "Carry Me Ontario," "Happy Man," and probably a few more I'm forgetting. But she wasn't down with singing on this one, and it was a turning point in our relationship. After that afternoon, it was much harder to get her to sing on my songs. She was struggling with depression and malaise at the time. She dropped out of school and spent most days in bed watching The Office. We moved in together in September 2009 in an attempt to salvage the relationship but it didn't last long. We broke the lease and went our separate ways in June 2010, a few days before the band released Might Minutes.

Almost Awake is our twenty-first album, meaning our discography could now legally drink at a bar in the States if it were a sentient being. The idea sparks one's imagination. If our discography were a person, it’d be an older man, NOT a gentleman but a bellowing boor lurching down the sidewalk, trying to make friends with people who have their headphones on. Friendly enough, and not a bully, but a guy who has a surplus of things he wants to say and a deficit of sympathetic ears. Enthusiastic, to be sure, yet caustic and poorly dressed to boot. He stands upwind while smoking at the bus stop. He's maddeningly inconsistent to employer and friend alike: no one knows which version of him will show up, the slick professional or the shambling, drug-addicted hustler. Always interesting though not always inviting interest. Loving but not loved. Fetid, not feted. Musical garbage. Gasoline rainbows. Yesterday's slice of pizza. Tomorrow's heartburn. A pile of newspapers in a language lost to the world. Twenty one albums of shambolic, mono, sometimes beautiful, sometimes acerbic, rock 'n roll from the metaphorical garage.

Almost Awake has some rock n roll on it, especially the first half, but it’s got plenty of balladry too. As an album it can stand on its own, but it might need assistance walking. It's helper and brother is High Hopes, our other record that came out in 2016. The two records are bookends that mine similar sonic and lyrical territory. I've been battling a drug problem for a few years now and finally starting to get the upper hand, though there have been falterings here and there. I write a lot of songs regardless, on drugs or off them, drunk or sober. A recurring lyrical themes of the early albums was friendship. I wrote a lot of songs about my friends. 

"Born to Bar Band" is about my friends who were in bands, working all day and week so they could play music at night and on weekends, hence the line "days seem long waiting to sing our songs." "Murray Street" is about Emon. We had a fight summer 2006, so I wrote a song about it. It's not Shakespeare, obviously. I preferred to put it bluntly back then: "Please don't not call me your friend." "Wedding Day" is about a friend of mine who had gotten engaged to another friend of mine. They started acted differently, didn't come out as much, which was fine and understandable, except that when they DID come out, they were awkward and kinda rude to us. It was as if they thought we were all immature losers and they were better than us because they had decided to do something adult while we were still playing in bands and drinking in bars. So I wrote a song about how I was mad about it."Why I Didn't Hate Summer 2003" is another friendship one. "Tell your friends this summer I'm just stuck working.""She Dreams Of Airports" was about my friend M___. Any song on Born to Bar Band that isn't about friendship or hanging out with friends is about love and/or relationship problems. "Bicycle Man," "Waiting," "Mathematics," "Don't Tell Me" and "Don't Fuck With Me," written about my ex-gf D____, "Run Home" and "Big Ears" about my gf at the time, N_____. "Leave Your Man" was directed toward a girl I really liked at the time. "Soda Song" is also about her. 

Later on, starting with Might Minutes I'd say, and in FULL swing by the time we got to Under the Overpass and Gimme Gardens, our songs were about nostalgia, and this nostalgia was brought on by the dissolution of many of my friendships. I'm not saying my friendships had ALL crumbled by 2010, but there had been a fundamental change to each one of them, I still don't know why, that started to drive wedges between me and my friends. These wedges were creating distance between us, inches that grew to canyons, until eventually some people disappeared altogether from each other's lives. Me coming to terms with this has not yet happened. I'm still upset over it, and I still think about it all the time, which is pathetic because I'm 31 years old. I should be married with children by now, instead of living with my parent and yearning for my lost youth.

Ember Nights

Taken from a collection of demos written last summer. The title was "Memba Thenz" for a while but I changed it to something less silly. An ember night could be any night in September, November, or December, take your pick, or a night that burns and glows, which is more poetic I guess. The song, lyrically, is about coming to the end of a long period of debauchery, and your brain is dead and your nerves are shot. The lyric is deliberately dumb, “mind like a DOA,” to match the brain deadness of the subject or something. I dunno. I like the line so I kept it. I like the lead guitar lines too and Kuehn drummed the song well. Love that tapping on the top of the bass drum, which James does sometimes too, often to great effect, as in "In The Street."

Two Packs A Day Also from last summer. This one turned out a LOT faster and punkier than I expected. The vocal is not strong at all, but it has a charm to it. There's a friendship vibe to this one, a territorial one, as in things are like this “round our way."

Summers End Wrote this one last April. Again, turned out way different during the tracking of the drums, so we went with it. There is a vocal melody but, as with "1985," I really liked how punchy and strong it sounds without any singing, so I left it alone. I still might get Ryan to sing on it and put a version with vocals on the next record. We'll see. More & More Mortified Recorded this one with Courtney on vocals. A sad song about dashed expectations and getting older. I love the blend of our voices. My mother loves this song and made me play it for my sister and her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, which was awkward, but my Mom said she still had the song in her head three days later, which is a good sign. When your Mom, who has previously not expressed much interest in your band, has a hook in her head three days after hearing a song, it gives you more confidence in said song. There’s a bit of Twin Peaks vibe.

No Window My first bedroom in Toronto was in a basement and it was windowless. I felt trapped and encumbered. No window = no escape, obviously, but also nothing to look at. Some Glum Alumni

Another song about days gone by. Before Instagram, nobody had photos of the truly good times, because everyone was having too much fun to take photos. In The Dark This is a really old cover of a Paddington song, recorded in Orangeville in 2005 in my Dad's basement. That was the first iteration of Little Ghost Recording Co and I was just learning how to record. I could barely play the drums but I got through this song okay. If it were any longer I surely would have faltered and made mistakes. The drumming as it is, is really tight-fisted on the hi-hat, which was how I played back then. I'm a much better drummer now than I was then, but still not very good. The Paddington album this song is on is called These Monsters That You've Been Chasing, which is a fantastic title. You can hear the (superior) Paddington version, which is a prom date waltz, at the following ancient MySpace page: https://myspace.com/paddingtonband/music/songs Paddington was a cool band I played in for four or five months back in 2004. The bass player Jordan hated me. A year later, frustrated at the glacial pace with which Andrew preferred to rehearse, record, and organize live dates, he organized a coup. Although he claimed that he left the band, along with Lindsay Gibb, the singer/keyboard player and the drummer whose name I forgot, what they really did was kick Andrew out of his own band and reform under the name Bedtime, Sleepyhead, which is BS if you ask me. Lindsay never cared for me much either. I didn't speak much at Paddington practices because the other members had known each other for years and had all the accrued inside jokes and experiences that come with close contact, but anytime I did try to speak or contribute to a conversation, Lindsay would wait a beat and then go: "...well, anyway..." then continue speaking as if I'd never said anything. After a while I stopped speaking entirely. I left the band unceremoniously in July or August 2004. Like The Beekeeper’s Society, another coed indie band with a polite approach to songcraft that I once played in, I never played on any recordings, so my time in those bands is lost to the ages. High Hopes A full band, electric version of the title track of our last record. I prefer the other version, but this one has its moments, particularly the break down when the bass goes for a walk and the whole band smashes back in on the A chord, those three hits, then back in. The harmonies are off kilter, but I didn't have much time to do them, so I just hoped for the best. People & Places I was digging through old demos last year, demos I'd done in autumn 2013 while living at my Dad's in Guelph and attending the University of Waterloo. I found so many forgotten gems in that pile of songs. and this was one of them. Others include "Cocations," which has already been recorded sans vocals and will be on our upcoming double album, and "Throwing Copper," which will also be on Keep It Beautiful. Sad Shitty Supermarket Holds Senior Citizen Day Again, in keeping with the theme of the album, a song about getting older and having one's expectations dashed. One & Only A love song to drugs. Western Sweepstakes This was going to be a demo, part of the collection of songs I did in autumn 2013, but I liked the song enough to dress it up with synth strings and harmonies, the usual BCN fare. I tried to record this one with Ryan Mills when James and Ryan had taken a short break during the Chords for the Bored sessions, but it didn't come out very good, so I kept that song off that album. I knew I was going to use this version on an album eventually, it was just a matter of finding the right fit.

Make It Mine A reviewer of our first album described "She Dreams of Airports" as a "hobo strum" which has "enough brio about it to win you over." He also said the song had a great title. "She Dreams of Airports" was written in a feverish afternoon during a Neutral Milk Hotel phase, so I was trying to ape Jeff Mangum by strumming loudly on an acoustic and trying to jam as many words into the song as I could, using the specific topic of travel. But the whole “hobo strum” thing wasn’t true...I wrote the song in the comfort of the basement of my Dad’s house in Orangeville. “Make it Mine,” however, was written while I was busking at the northwest corner of Queen and University last April, a transient month spent mostly on the street, trying to get enough money to get by. I’d usually make at least $20 if I played for three or four hours. I’d get bored doing CCR and Oasis though, and write my own stuff. I wrote this one on the spot, which is probably why the lyrics are so repetitive. I couldn’t write them down so they had to be basic. There’s another version on High Hopes but it’s not much better. Both version fail to get the essence of the song, which is an authentic “hobo strum,” not an ersatz one like “She Dreams of Airports.” I’d like to try it out with the full band someday soon. One Last Rodeo A song about doing drugs one last time. And doing them again the next day, just one last time. And the next day, one last time, the cycle continuing for months until you're barely alive. Drug users call the last night the "last rodeo," depressingly enough. Big City Nights Radio Report #1 A bunch of demos sewn together and presented as a radio station. A radio station I'd put on my presets, indubitably. Look for more BCN Radio Reports in the future, $2 and #3 and so on. Why not, eh? Some of these songs will be on our upcoming double album, Keep It Beautiful.