#THE ENTIRE THING JUST GOING *POOF* INTO THE VOID FOREVER

[lurkiestvoid]

I JUST. SPENT OVER SIX. FUCKING HOURS. METICULOUSLY WRITING, SOURCING, AND EDITING AN ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE POST. ON MOBILE EVEN!!

AND. THE MILLISECOND I CLICKED "POST."

TUMBLR FUCKING ATE IT.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[yan-twst]

Can we get some yan Jamil's reactions once he finds out (either on his own or mc reluctantly tells him) that mc isn't from this world and will inevitably have go back? I'm okay with either headcannons or scenario. I feel like some desperate begging would happen especially since he's so emotionally repressed that once he finds someone he likes, it'll be hard for him to let go. Also congrats on reaching 1000 followers!! ✧\(>o<)ﾉ✧

warnings: general yandere content

a/n: for extra angst i’m making this an AU where the mc WILL return home, like their time is limited and one day POOF they’re back in their world, just so jamil can’t stop them via kidnapping lol

jamil viper

he’s always known his crush isn’t from here; sure, there’s those who don’t have magic, but they’re different. sure, even here there’s those who cannot usre magic- but they come from a world void of it, noticeable with how surprised they seem each time they look at basic displays of magic

he’d never really paid much attention to it. he’d gotten quite good at controlling himself around them, really; everytime they hung out with him he suppressed the urge to just look into their eyes and make them obey his every word, suppressed the urge to steal the little tidbits they sometimes left laying around to keep for himself

jamil knows it’s not just a crush. no, it’s something past that; what he feels is fucked up, he wants to keep them tied up in his room, wants to have their smile only for him, their attention on him only- it’s frankly almost scary, but he holds back, for now

slowly, he can tell his darling is getting creeped out he can’t help it- they notice him staring. he stops holding back on taking their trinkets, and they notice how things like their lipgloss or their pens going missing whenever jamil is around

they’re anxious around him and jamil can’t say he likes it. well- he does like how they shrink in his presence, how they look so jumpy, like they’re scared of him, it makes him feel powerful. but at the same time it enrages and hurts him. he wants affection. he wants to be loved in the same way he loves them.

the snapping point is when they awkwardly tell him that “they can’t return his feelings because they have to go home one day”. jamil doesn’t care if it’s true or if it’s an excuse to try and get away from him- his usual rational attitude is thrown aside

they’re going to leave him? after all he’s done? don’t they know how hard he works for them? how much effort he puts into not just hypnotizing them into being his perfect little toy?

it’s a flash of his true colors, akin to the days after his overblot when he showed his true personality. it’s as if his grip on reality is slipping, every nerve on his body in alert; why are they leaving? is he not enough? is being with a servant that bad?! it’s because he’s not powerful or rich, isn’t it?! if he were kalim, they’d stay, wouldn’t they?!

his outburst is terrifying, enough so to make his darling try to run away. oh sure, they’d been wary of him ever since they noticed his stalking; but jamil had always been a stable, stoic and cool dude nevertheless. but the jamil they’re seeing right now is nothing like that- he’s frantic, screaming, almost as if he’s someone else entirely

he screams and cries- begs, even, clutching their shoulders. there’s no reasoning with him, really. it’s a miracle he’d held onto his sanity for so long- the pressure from his job, the threat that if he fucked up something terrible might befall his family, having to pretend to be inferior to another for so long, the obsession he’d been trying to repress, the longing for someone to call his own, to finally be seen as his own person rather than kalim’s servant- it’s all coming out at once, brought about by this situation

they don’t get to run. try as they might to explain, jamil simply isn’t in the state of mind to be rationalized with. it’s a matter of seconds before he’s used his unique magic on them, making them swear they’ll stay by his side

of course, he calms down eventually, laying in his room with his now so docile and lovely darling in his arms, caressing their hair. it isn’t up to them to return or not, that’s what they said; now that he isn’t having a breakdown he can understand it, but that doesn’t mean he likes it

he’s kidnapped them, essentially. jamil doesn’t need much effort to keep them under his magic- he can chain them up to the room and place a silencing charm to avoid any noises and leave them there while he goes to class, and then charm them the second he gets back. it’s efficient, and perhaps more importantly, it lets him be in control

more often than not, he’ll just bury his head in their chest and beg them to stay. of course, in their hypnotized state, all they can repeat is “of course, jamil, i love you, jamil, i’ll be here forever” over and over again, lines he himself had ordered them to say for his own comfort

it’s a poor delusion- telling himself that if he makes himself and makes them believe it, he can stop the inevitable. they don’t belong in this world, and they’ll be taken back to where they belong. their time here is limited. jamil doesn’t want to believe it; he seems to be punishing his own darling for their fate, chaining them to the room as if metal could stop them from disappearing, buying seals and charms as if any magic he could do could somehow prevent their return (even when he knows not even the headmaster could control it). it’s all he can do, really: finally, he has someone he trusts, someone who he loves, someone to give him the love and attention he’s secretly desired all his life, how is he supposed to accept the fact they’ll leave no matter what...?

[colorfulwerewolfphilosopher]

Those were the last words I heard from him. The entire night we were playing games and talking about life. I didn’t want the day to stop but, the stars filled the sky like snowflakes at night. It was midnight and it was time for me to go home. We hugged tightly one last time and waved goodbye at the front porch as I walked home. I saw him standing there all buffed and jacked up but he wasn’t himself, I could tell this was hard for him too. That was the last image I saw of him.

It’s been two years now and I never got that call. Just like that song on the radio, we literally don’t talk anymore. We still text but it never goes past “How are you?” and “I am good!”. I can’t gather my mind to see how our friendship can be tainted by distance. I can’t help to think and question if that bond we shared meant nothing to him. I find myself sometimes dwelling over old memories we had, it gives me the feeling of warmth and safety I could not find anywhere else. Everyone says that we can let go of pain as it lives in our past but the void between our friendship will always be painful as I will always keep the door open, experience all the chilly and freezing wind, hoping for change.    

I had to learn how to enjoy my life without him, reading essays and blogs helped me with this. It made me understand that these things happen all the time, it can come out of nowhere. It feels like an uppercut to the ribs but sometimes, all you have to do is just let go.

He cannot be replaced, I have yet to find a connection, bond, and brother that is replaceable. What stings is what exactly caused the downfall is forever unknown and the shock of the sudden end to the friendship is indescribable. For the first few months I felt as if there was a force pressing down on me, it was hard. However, I am no longer trapped in my feelings of confusion, anger, or sadness anymore.

Now as I close my eyes, the force that was once pressing me slowly morphs into a carnation, slowly moving and then completely gone, poof, vanished to nothing at all. That’s when I know I am finally letting go and moving on with my life without him. Finally.  

[owenshire]

Robert Muhlbock (virtually) Inducts Nine Inch Nails into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 2020

Nine Inch Nails. One band, and often one man, with a computer (and guitar) against the world. Oh yes, Nine Inch Nails have added members for live performances and gained members (well, a member) for studio compositions, but from this “band-like-musical-entity’s” earliest days, it was just one person—one person who combined pop-hooks with industrial whirs, and harrowing rage with uncomfortable vulnerability. And his name is Trent Reznor.  

No one should claim that Nine Inch Nails invented a genre. They didn’t. But they sure as hell popularized and perfected it. Electronic, Industrial, ‘Disco Death Metal’—whatever you want to call it, the labels don’t really matter.  In fact, I think the genre should just be called “sounds like Nine Inch Nails” which is compliment enough on its own, right?  

Nine Inch Nails are one of the most important, vital, inspirational, talented, and unique of musical artists. I love them. And now I’m going to tell you why…in a lengthy video essay, so settle in.  And if you don’t have the fandom or attention span for what I’m about to say, go back to consuming shitty tweets and dumbfuck Instagram posts because you’re not wanted here anyway.

                            _______________________________

My first introduction to NIN began like so many others: by catching the iconic video for “Head Like A Hole” on MTV—the band rocking out amidst electrical wires and magnetic tape, until it seemed like the entire writhing mess would consume them whole.  It’s an image as potent today as it was some 30 years ago.

However, my real introduction to NIN was originally steeped in urban legend. I was in grade 10 and I heard Pretty Hate Machine played on my school bus on the way home. The owner of this cassette tape, a “cool girl” who shall remain nameless, told me that the album was “out of print” and “unavailable.” In short, she assured me that I would never be able to find a copy, but, guess what, I did.

In a trade with former MMA coach Shawn Tompkins—and in my grade 10 art class no less—I swapped two ninja stars for a box of his old cassette tapes, and Pretty Hate Machine was one of them. This was my own NINJA moment, if you will—does anyone get that reference—anyway, upon witnessing said trade some random guy in my art class immediately offered me $25 for the Pretty Hate Machine cassette tape—a king’s ransom in 1990—but of course I wouldn’t sell. I knew it was valuable—and in more than one way. Instead I played the hell out of the cassette in my Walkman. I was 14 years old. “Terrible Lie��� was my favourite song from the album. And it still is.

And then—poof—like that, NIN dropped out of my life. Where’d they go? Well, I guess they were making a name for themselves during Lollapalooza 1991, white chalk dust and all. Not that I knew any of this. Pre-internet I had no idea what was going on.  In fact, I wouldn’t hear any new NIN music until almost a full year later when one of my friends with a penchant for industrial music introduced me to the Broken EP. As he handed me his CD for borrowing, he warned me that it was “pretty extreme.” And he was right. The Broken EP is why album warning stickers were invented: it was a fist to the face, a kick to the face—it was even an ass to the face.

Anyway, the Broken EP was my real introduction to the seemingly bottomless rage of NIN. When I heard Broken I was just starting to get into so-called “heavy” music, but nothing could have prepared me for the lyrical and musical brutality of “Wish.” While Reznor’s litany of profanity was extreme—at least to my sheltered 16 year old ears—what truly staggered me was the song’s main riff (you know the one I mean) the one that is so distorted, so disturbing, that it sounds like a guitar being burned alive while flailing in a wind tunnel.

I’d never heard anything like it before—it wasn’t cock-rock; it wasn’t fake satanic rage done for laughs, theatre or to impress--no. Instead it was the audio embodiment of complete destruction and utter despair. And 30 years later, it’s lost none of its power.

                          __________________________________

These same sentiments must be applied to The Downward Spiral, Nine Inch Nail’s career defining work that launched the band into mainstream success. Too often discussions of the record get bogged down by emphasis on “Hurt” or “Closer,” or, to some extent, “Heresy.”

Yes, “Hurt” is the perfect album closer and expression of pleading vulnerability, and, yes, “Closer” and “Heresy’s” choruses were brutally raw and shocking in 1994 (and, it should be said, still above average shocking  in 2020), but I feel the album is best presented as a whole. This was the beginning of NIN’s discovery that (to paraphrase one rock critic) just as much tension can be generated with a whisper as with a scream.

Dynamics have always been a huge part of NIN’s’ sound, and The Downward Spiral stands as a defining moment.  The album, as all of you know, begins with “Mr. Self Destruct” (well, that’s not entirely true—the album actually begins with the audio of what appears to be a man being beaten to death while submerged underwater)—but anyway, “Mr. Self Destruct” was as sonically astonishing to me as “Wish” was two years prior. As I listened to the verses of “Mr. Self Destruct” I kept asking myself “Is it supposed to sound like this? I can’t hear what he’s saying”—it was such a cacophony of meticulously detailed and layered noises, but of course not without substance or a melody: its quiet refrain of “And I control you” buried so deep in the mix, it mirrored the subconscious itself.  

“Mr. Self Destruct” gives way to “Piggy”—again a haunting track that’s almost tender and such a shock in sequence given the song that preceded it. Again. Dynamics. Surprise. Making the atypical typical in the best non-traditional way. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I felt the same way about the mini-piano solo/ lyric pairing of “now doesn’t it make you feel better” before the dramatic pause in “March Of The Pigs”—I don’t think any of us saw THAT coming. I was literally shocked when that phrasing appeared out of no where, emerging like a tiny ironic rainbow out of the whirlwind of thrashing drums, crazy guitars, and “stains like blood on your teeth” screams the preceded it.  

Speaking of screams, the title-track of The Downward Spiral still stands as a monument to vulnerability, despair, and pure abject horror. It’s the only song I’ve ever heard that I am afraid to listen to. When I listen to The Downward Spiral, I wait for the song the way a child hides behind a blanket awaiting glimpses of a film monster: I know it’s coming, and I know it’s going to be horrifying…and it always is. So why do I subject myself to it?

                                     ______________________

That’s a fair question. Let’s be frank here: Nine Inch Nails isn’t for everyone. It takes a certain personality to fully appreciate the band’s complete package of black, blue, and bleeding, “but you can dance to it!” Still, NIN is more than mere nihilism and hopelessness. Those who label the band in such ways, kind of miss the point. To me, NIN has always been—lyrically at least—about catharsis: I suppose ALL music functions as such—a tool of understanding, and a mechanism for coping. Trent Reznor once commented on the vulnerability of his lyrics, saying in an interview with NPR that his topic of choice was less about vanity than it was about delivering a performance with honesty and integrity. The only topic that mattered—his emotional struggle—was the only subject he could speak about with authority and with conviction.

However, it just so happens to be a struggle that millions of other people share. When Trent Reznor sings “Now you know/ this is what it feels like” on The Fragile’s “The Wretched,” he is inviting his audience to share in his pain. Whether he intended it this way or not, his is a gesture borne or isolation but ending in comradery: many of us certainly know what “this” “feels like.” And many, many more of us can certainly relate to the words “Dear World, I can hardly recognize you anymore.”

In short, Trent Reznor’s lyrics, as personal as they are, speak for us: his fans. He speaks for me. He still does.

Interestingly, themes consistent in NIN’s best work offer a type of almost emotional ambivalence: caring, but not caring; wanting to be helped, yet rejecting help; and most importantly, wanting to be alone, yet desperately wishing to connect with others. The songs “We’re In This Together” and “The Fragile” perfectly illustrate these sentiments.   To me, it is no coincidence they are sequenced side by side on the “some-critics-didn’t-like-it-at-the-time-but-have-since-come-to-their-senses-album” The Fragile.

                                      _________________

Musically, however, NIN is best known for three distinct styles of music: computer chaos, groovy beats, and symphonic soundscapes. I’ve touched on the first—and will return to it—but for now, let’s discuss the second. I’m not a huge fan of the term “death-disco”; however, NIN’s long list of ass-shaking beats, should not be overlooked. What began on Pretty Hate Machine with “Sin” and “The Only Time,” pleasantly resurface on “Into The Void” only to be perfected on “The Hand That Feeds,” “Only” “Capital G,” and “Discipline” not to mention a large portion of Hesitation Marks.

But back to computer chaos—or maybe just chaos in general. I can think of no better example to illustrate my point than the final coda to the song “The Great Destroyer” on the fabulous dystopian opus Year Zero—one of my favourite albums of all time: the sound of things falling apart—wires frayed, systems destroyed, screens cracked: static humming and ‘please stand by’ messages flicking forever. The Eater of Dreams. “All we ever were—just zeros and ones.”  

                                           ____________________

The final cornerstone of NIN’s musical contribution is soundscapes and instrumentals, and what a can of worms THAT is given all that’s transpired since 2011.  Anyway, when The Fragile was released in 1999, more than a few fans bemoaned its inclusion of no less than 7 instrumentals, and yet these contributions have always been a signature addition to NIN’s body of work: from “pinion,” “help me I am in hell,” “a warm place,” the deeply personal “La Mer,” to Ghosts I through VI, NIN’s experiments with sound have always been integral to their songwriting process—a willingness to experiment and a love of discovery which surprisingly, yet somewhat inevitably, lead to NIN’s work in soundtracks. Beginning somewhat inadvertently with Tony Scott’s Man On Fire (look it up), and then deliberately on the video game Quake, this creative direction eventually resulted in (as we all know) various Oscar and Emmy nominations and wins for Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and yeah, while technically not “Nine Inch Nails” releases, I think we can all agree it’s hard to separate the two sometimes because as we all know, the line begins to blur, amiright?  

The point is this: Nine Inch Nails were and are no strangers to pushing boundaries musically, visually, and artistically. Some defining unconventional moments in the band’s career to me are as follows:

·  The 97 one-second tracks on the Broken EP before its final two songs; the infamous Broken film itself—a movie I found on a bootlegged VHS tape and rented for a mere 1 dollar at the time—and then proceeded to wish that I never did.

·  Moving on, there is of course the band’s seminal 1994 Woodstock performance, where the musicians arrived on stage in a foggy haze, caked head to toe in mud, and bringing the apocalypse with them;

·  Next we have the Alternate Reality Game developed around the release of Year Zero,

·  There was the free download of The Slip; and the free downloads of Ghosts V and VI some years later

·  Who could also forget about the NINREMIX website where fans were invited to remix the band’s songs and post them for all to enjoy, and copyright be damned.

·  Um, there was also that time they said “a heartfelt fuck you” to the Grammy’s.  

·   And finally we have Nine Inch Nail’s unexpected live appearance on the rather toned down Austin City Limits.

And the list goes on. Trent Reznor once explained such actions in the most self-aware terms possible: he likes pushing himself (as well as his fans) out of comfort zones, to flirt with mainstream conventions but to approach and execute them as only Nine Inch Nails can: with integrity and—to borrow Trent’s appraisal of the late David Bowie—“uncompromising vision.”      

                               _______________________________

Speaking of integrity and uncompromising vision, NIN’s humility is one of the band’s most inspiring and endearing characteristics. In Reznor’s case, we’re talking about an accomplished artist who admitted publically that he still feels he has so much to learn about his craft—that he’s barely scratched the surface regarding his mastery of sound and songwriting; a man that mocked his own starry eyed expression upon receiving an Oscar by pairing it with the caption “I see unicorns” and inviting fans to provide similar self-deprecating taglines.  A man who speaks in measured tones about his opportunities and successes in his life—and does so, repeatedly I might add, quietly, humbly, and gratefully.  

Such self-awareness is extremely rare in show-business let alone by a band that’s achieved as much as Nine Inch Nails.

And guess what? Here’s the thing. I think there’s no stopping them. With Nine Inch Nails—particularly, Trent and Atticus no matter what they call themselves and until they are inducted into the IHOR as solo artists, anything’s possible:  

·  Scoring a children’s movie? The upcoming Pixar film Soul? Why not? Let’s have some more. Give me a children’s album!

·  Creating a vintage jazz ballad (the unparalleled “The Way It Used to Be”) in a week and making it indistinguishable from other songs of the era? Of course!

·  Winning a Tony Award to become part of the EGOT club—I say sure. In fact, prediction: before the end of the world (so basically, in about 30 years) Nine Inch Nails will get an EGOT.  There. Prove me wrong.

                                       ______________________

In 1997 Spin Magazine once hailed Trent Reznor as “the most vital artist in music today,” while in that same year Trent Reznor appeared on Time Magazine’s list of the top 25 most influential Americans.

These accolades were well earned; however, I prefer a statement made by some music magazine critic whose name escapes me in their review of a Nine Inch Nails album whose name also escapes me: they said, “we can only hope something else pisses him off,” sentiments which I’m sure are echoed by many, and to which I reply…there seems to be no worry about that.

                                      ____________________          

Nine Inch Nails encompass a facet of popular art that is as necessary as it is compulsory: they remind us that the world is not pleasant; tragedy is inevitable; the game is rigged; faith is a lie; and everyone you know will abandon or disappoint you.

But guess what? If you’re lucky, the way out is through, motherfuckers.

I am honoured to induct Nine Inch Nails into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  

[nexstage]

LIMBO SILVAM - PART 9 (1/3)

It was the void again, but this time it felt different. Like something was missing. Though, of course, something was because the light, the sound, air, and other elements were nonexistent; still, there was an emptiness that couldn't leave them alone no matter how hard they tried to ignore it.

 "Lapis?" Someone was calling her name "Lapis, wake up!" Why they sounded so distraught? "Lapis, please! Wake up! Don't leave me!" Wait, that voice...

 "Peri...? Peridot?" Her eyes opened slowly and she spot the tear-stained gaze of her love, her eyebrows furrowed and the whole body was trembling.

 "Thank stars you're awake!" Peridot's arms wrapped on her neck, she could hear some sniffs and feel the wetness of her tears.

 "Hey, Peri. Hey, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere" a blue hand caressed the yellow, triangular-shaped hair to comfort her. Her cerulean eyes wandered to every corner of whatever they were, but the problem was that only black surrounded them. Utter black and silence.

 If it weren't for Peridot's presence and voice, she would go crazy in that desolated dimension.

 "--rry" Peri's voice was a pitiful whisper, but she could hear a bit of what she said, and Lapis didn't like it.

 "Say it again" Lapis grabbed both her companion's shoulders and looked at her seriously "Say it and then tell me if you would've liked to see me acting this way"

 Peridot, despite her tears and self-hatred blinding her judgment, understood what Lapis meant. She knew, from many conversations both had before this mess, that the blue gem tended to fall to a depressive hole, believing everyone was better off without her, that her mistakes and past wrongs made her look like poison instead of a flawed person. But it wasn't true. Lapis WAS flawed, like Peridot, Steven, and the rest of her friends. Good and bad traits together which made them unique. Still...

 "Laz, this is different. I should've protected you better, I should've done more, I shouldn’t have gotten us lost when the plan was reaching the light at the peak! I... I ruined it all... How can you be so forgiving with me?"

 "Because it's not your fault" Peridot was going to protest but Lapis stopped her "No, I'm serious. Peri, even if our places had been inversed back then, things would have still been out of control. The shadows, the monster, the storm, our bodies deteriorating. We would've ended up the same"

 "Are you really trying to make me feel better? Because it's not working" the blue gem smiled at her bitter and angst-ridden love to whom she hugged tightly. Peridot melted at the touch and clung like a baby koala, calming down a bit.

 "I'm still sorry, Laz" the technician said morosely "We're dead because of me"

 Lapis didn't know what to say at that. They were surrounded by darkness, yes, but it didn't feel like death, not yet. Should she tell her that maybe they were in a sort of coma? Would that change something?

 "I was in this kind of darkness too" Lazuli decided to approach it slowly "Maybe we are in the same condition I was. Maybe what we need is to find a way to wake up"

 "But how? Back then, I was the one finding you unconscious and even I thought you'd never get out of it, but now we don't have anyone to find and protect us from those monsters"

 "Come on" slender, blue fingers caressed a wet cheek "Since when the powerful and lovable Peridot gives up? What happened with 'I think we can win. I think you can win'?"

 "It was slapped by reality, Lapis. That's what happened. Reality and being rubbed in your face that without powers there's no point in trying. Besides, why are you so encouraging? As far as I know, we might be dead already and this is how the Afterlife looks like"

 "Because certain cute and brave gem has shown me all this time that trying new things may seem scary, but it is worth it in the end" Peridot didn't respond but the frown of her face told Lapis that the little gem didn't agree at all.

 What were they going to do now? There were no options but to wait for a miracle and even that was useless because they were stuck in the middle of nothing, in a black dimension or whatever part of the Afterlife. What about their friends, their family, their lives in Little Homeworld? All gone.

 Lapis could feel the helplessness and self-loathing emanating from Peridot. She was pretty familiar with those feelings, though it was better if she felt them than her crush. Being so distraught by your self-hatred because of some mistakes or what fate had in store for you wasn't a good experience. It was something Lazuli could relate to with Peri, but she'd rather see her smiling and not giving up than this.

 She truly wanted for the mechanic to keep trying, to think on a plan or at least give a last chance to go home, but come to think of it, Lazuli considered it a bit selfish to push encouragement and comprehension to her comrade who was emotionally drained and needed a break of more planning that might go wrong. What Peri required more than anything was a silent company to ground her.

 Slowly, she approached and put her on her lap, hugging Peridot from behind while placing her chin on her yellow, triangular hair. The other protested a bit, not in the mood for some temporary comfort but the green gem was too tired to do something and groaned miserably.

 A long stretch of silence passed, both Crystal Gems submerged in their own thoughts, while nothingness and darkness remained the same. There was no up nor down, no light nor limits, nor sign of life or danger. 'This is how a sad ending must feel like' Peridot mused numbly 'A huge well where you can do whatever you want which ironically won't give you any satisfaction or change the outcome, just a temporary distraction that will leave you emptier than before while living with the fact that you didn't do enough. Just hopelessness and failure in front of you'

 Yeeesh, she was getting the depressing vibes that Lapis used to have, wasn't she? Though, with their situation being shitty as it was, using her big brain was a waste of time. But no, she doubted time was even allowed to exist in this sad void.

 'I can do whatever I want' Peri remembered suddenly from her last musings and an unexpected idea crossed her mind 'I can ask Lapis if she--' she shook her head trying to dismiss it. There was no way Laz would accept that, besides, even if she said yes, if they remained powerless, then it would be a wasted chance. And she wanted to do it in their home, not in an entirely black and silent dimension.

 'I can't put her through that' Peri reflected sadly 'Even if she trusts me, it will be asking too much from her, and because of me she's stuck here'

 "What are you thinking about, Dot?" Lapis' tender voice got her out of her internal debates, then the little gem stiffened with the idea of telling her companion the truth. "Is something wrong?" the blue gem placed her hand on a green chin so both could see each other. Peridot gulped, her mind and heart fighting for dominance about what to do: not saying anything or being honest.

 "Uuummmm... I don't know how to say this" she started and prayed internally to not screw this up too "I was... Well... You know, we don't have any idea of how to get out of this place, whatever it is, so... If for some reason we are going to be trapped here forever, maybe we should...try...something... You know, to pass the time... And I..." some tears of frustration gathered in the corner of her eyes and she rubbed them furiously "Forget it, it was stupid anyway"

 "No, it wasn't. Whatever it is, you can tell me" Lapis smiled at her kindly, Peridot debating with herself if there was a point to try "Come on, Dot. What is it?"

 "It's just a meaningless whim, that's all. Why should we embark on something like that? I mean, didn't you want to go home? Why haven't you told me to think on a new plan, encourage me or knock some sense into me? Why are you acting so calm instead of freaking out?"

 "I could lash out, blaming me or you, lose hope or keep trying on my own, but it wouldn't be fair to you. You are exhausted, frustrated, angry, confused. I know how that feels, so I decided to just be at your side in silence instead of overwhelming you"

 "Oh... Well, t-thanks, though it's not that I'm the only one with plans, yours was great too but... Anyway, don't you miss home?" Lapis hugged lovingly and in her subconscious, Peridot could understand what she was trying to say 'You're my home'. "You are too" the green gem mumbled while sniffing.

 "Laz, how do you think Steven and the others will find us? Will we be found poofed, cracked, both of them, maybe our bodies under layers and layers of snow, or...or shattered?"

 "Are you asking this in the slightest hope to not be in darkness anymore?" Peridot didn't say anything for some minutes until she nodded to which Lapis said "They will. Even if it takes them too much, they will. I mean, if they get stuck, Garnet will guide them. She has future vision, after all"

 "I wish I had that. That way we wouldn't be trapped here. But, even if they find us, what are the chances of wakening up? Maybe this is our new eternity now. No home, no friends, no meep morps. Just a big and round zero"

 Lapis was lost on what to do to help with her love's distress. The more they talked about the next course of action -if there was any-, the more somber was Peri's mood which broke her heart. Then she remembered something and hoped it didn't trigger another dark emotion on the little gem, "You know, I was imagining us visiting Pumpkin's tomb once we returned home. It was so difficult for both of us when she died"

 "I wish she was here too, Laz. I'd like to visit her with you" the blue gem caressed her cheek smoothly, Peridot leaning on the touch, before saying something else "I also wanted to cuddle with you in my hammock. Rest for a bit, relax, just the two of us"

 "I wish we were at home right now. I wanted so much to fuse with you" the little gem kept enjoying the caress on her cheek until she heard a gasp and saw Lapis' surprised eyes. Immediately, she covered her mouth with both hands, cursing herself mentally for having let out that without thinking.

 Lazuli was completely stiffened, barely processing what she'd heard while looking at Peridot as if she was seeing someone else. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! This was all wrong! She shouldn’t have said that! She should've kept her mouth shut! This was a bad idea!

 "I-I-I-I-I... Sorry!" Peridot ran while holding back tears. She glanced a still stunned Lapis for the last time before getting lost in the never-ending darkness.

 --------------------

 The blue Crystal Gem was a mess. No, her mind was the one being a mess, exactly. Confusion and dark memories she thought she had overcome time ago were getting the best of her as her whole body tensed when she remembered Peridot's words: I wanted so much to fuse with you.

 Peri wanted to fuse. Peri wanted to and had chosen her, Lapis Lazuli, to do that. She had hopes of returning home with her and then ask her if the blue gem wanted to fuse with her. And, by some twist of fate or accident, Peridot had confessed it and now she was gone.

 What was Lapis supposed to do with that information? Before the Gem War, fusion never crossed her mind, not only because of Homeworld laws but also for being unnecessary for her. Then, after being dragged to Earth by Jasper and Peridot, it became her worst misdeed along with her most savages urges of revenge when she unleashed all her anger and hatred on Jasper once they fused into Malachite.

 She hated it. She was disgusted by it as much as she was disgusted with herself. Jasper's cold words rang in her mind, reminding her why: You can't lie to me. I've seen what you're capable of. I thought I was a brute, but you, you're a monster.

 Lapis wasn't a warrior gem; however, she was powerful. She could steel the ocean and fight the Crystal Gems while her gem was cracked. She could take control of Malachite and hold both Jasper and herself prisoners in the ocean. She even sent her flying with a single water punch. She had so much power and ammo, and that was the problem.

 No, the problem was that Lapis was too violent. So much rage, hatred, and pain for being a prisoner 6000 thousand years pushed her to do the worst to someone she despised. But Peri, though, she wasn't Jasper nor she had any intention to force her to fuse. It was only a wish of hers. But Peri might get hurt, just like Jasper or worse. She might see how dangerous Lapis was and hate her. Fear her.

 The blue gem would rather die than risk her relationship with her companion just because of a wish, even if it was Peridot's. Guilt hit her hard for thinking that way. She was being selfish again. Peri had done so much for her, the least she could do was to give her what she wanted, but Lapis couldn't stand the fact of seeing someone so precious to her getting hurt if they fuse.

 What was she going to do? If she said she didn't want to fuse, Peridot would be sad and disappointed. And if Lapis said yes, there was a huge chance she might screw up and hurt Peri. She would never forgive herself if that happened.

 'Battling the Diamonds sounds easier now' Lapis lamented and covered her face, trying to think on a way to solve this problem. 'And back then, I felt safe because I knew Peri was there and we were facing them together'. Then it hit her. Of course! Why she didn't think about it? She just had to talk to her. Though it would be more difficult than when she apologized for abandoning the little gem.

 Whatever, the blue gem didn't have time to imagine how things might go. Peridot needed an answer, and she will give her one! "Peridot, look, I--" Lapis stopped after noticing her love's absence. Where the hell was she?!

 Her mind scrambled for an explanation and then she remembered how Peridot apologized, ashamed and scared, before running away. "Oh, stars! Peri!" In a snap, she got up from the invisible floor and went to search her companion, praying that she hasn't got too lost.

--------------------

 The former technician didn't know where she was. Well, technically, her answers were yes and no. As far as the green gem was concerned, she was stuck in a void-like dimension without hopes of going home. But she could also be in a coma, or in the Afterlife. So it was a yes and a no. Not that it mattered to her anyway.

 All Peridot planned to do that moment was lie on the floor and hope to be swallowed so she could forget her biggest fuck up. More tears of frustration fell from her eyes. This was the reason why she should've kept her wish locked in her mind. Because of it and her stupidity she had lost Lapis, the best that happened to her.

 The pain was unbearable. There were no friends to comfort her, no advice from Garnet to fix her mistake, no Temple or Little Homeworld, nothing to give her some solace from the loneliness. Everything she valued so much, gone. Only memories of it.

 'How could I be so stupid?! Laz was the only thing I have left! We were there for each other during this hellish journey and now she's gone! All because of my big mouth!' she yelled and punched the invisible ground hard. If there was a way to travel through time, the green Crystal Gem would take the chance without question so she could still be with Lapis. So she could at least enjoy her company in this miserable eternity.

 'I deserve this, though' she concluded sadly 'Lapis wouldn't be trapped in this place if it weren't for me. And still, she was so kind, didn't lash out, even if she had the right to. I wonder if she's looking for me...' Peridot snorted, bitterness in her features 'Who am I kidding? After saying what I said, it's obvious she'd rather forget I exist. Such ruler of the skies I've become. More like a butt, an idiotic and worthless butt'.

Without a single care in the world, the engineer started singing self-deprecating songs while laughing and crying at the same time. Time passed slowly, despite not feeling it at all, but then a voice interrupted her singing session much to her annoyance. "Ugh, not now, Lapis" she said, her mind too numb to register what was going on around her. 

Still, the other Crystal Gem didn't stop calling her name, and the more she tried to ignore it and keep wallowing in self-pity, the more insistent her companion became which made her snap. "I SAID NOT NOW, LAZULI!!!!" the green mechanic glared at Lapis who stopped but not for the glare but because of the huge relief she felt at finally finding Peri.

In a single movement, Lapis lifted her love in her arms and hugged her as if she was going to disappear if she let her go. "Thank stars you're ok, Peri! Don't do that again!" the blue gem held her close to her chest and that's when the other Crystal Gem got out of her funk, processing what had happened and looked at her companion confused.

 "Laz? W-Wait you're here? Why?" Lapis' relieved smile turned into a frown after hearing those questions. It sounded like Peridot doubted the idea of the blue gem trying to find her or wondering about her whereabouts. Like she didn't care at all.

 "What do you mean...? P-Peri, I was worried sick! I didn't know if I could find you or if you were ok. I even thought you got lost forever and that terrified me. What if something had happened and I wasn't there to protect you?"

 "But... But I thought you didn't want anything to do with me because... Because of--"

 "Because of you wanting to fuse with me?" Lapis answered for her and the pained expression on the green gem was enough for the other Crystal Gem to have her suspicions proven right. Slowly, she sat and invite Peridot to do the same in front of her. The former technician tensed greatly until a blue, gentle hand held hers to make the invitation friendlier, not more challenging, though Peri still prayed internally to not have to deal with this situation.

 "Do you want to start or should I?" Peridot shook her head in a silent plea to drop the subject, to change it, to be in silence only for Lapis to sigh. "Peridot, I don't want to force you to talk about this and I won't. Don't worry. But that doesn't mean we have to put it aside. If I had done that with the knowledge that I left you behind back then, would you have liked it?"

 "N-No... I wouldn't have" Lapis was going to continue, the green gem stopped her though "But still fusion is a sore spot for you! I-I mean, it's not that seeing some of our friends like Garnet, for example, makes you feel all uncomfortable and angry. Back then, in Homeworld, we saw Steven and the original Crystal Gems turn into Obsidian and it was great, but I know it's still...hard... I can't relate though. I've never fused with anyone, I even thought I was unable until I discovered I have ferrokinesis. But that was nothing compared to your experiences. What happened between you and...you know, Jasper... Even imagining it isn't enough. But the point is, I didn't want to put you through that, to remind you how it felt. I didn't want to hurt you"

 "Peri..." the blue gem caressed her love's cheek sweetly, moved by those words. Even with the pain and the stress, the mechanic was caring for her, thinking about her wellbeing "It's sweet of you doing that. Thanks. But now, let me do the same"

"Uh?" Peridot looked at her with a raised eyebrow and Lapis' smile for a bit bigger "Peridot, there are things that I cannot change. Many mistakes and misdeeds that I wish I could erase from my mind and my hands. Being fused with Jasper... Malachite... Those two are part of the list. I couldn’t stand being a prisoner, not after being trapped in a mirror for millennia. So I took the chance to unleash my rage and hatred on Jasper. I acted and became the worst when I was Malachite to the point of even missing those sensations. The lust of power, of control, to have my revenge. I liked it, I needed it, I hated it as much as I hated myself. I couldn’t stand fusion because It reminded me about what I had become. And when you said you wanted to fuse with me, I was shocked. Confused. And then I was scared. I didn't know what to do"

 "Did I make you feel like you were being forced?" Peridot's voice was small and afraid of having screwed up worse than she thought, but Lapis caressed her cheek again to ease her tension "No. You didn't force me, I was just surprised. The problem is that I don't know what is the right answer. And I don't want to hurt you either, Peri. Not after what I did to you when I left with the whole barn. You've done so much for me, you deserve to have your wishes come true. I don't know how though, and it's because of how I treated Jasper. If I said no, it would be to protect you from me, but you'd be sad to have your wish denied. But If I said yes, there might be the chance of you getting hurt and it would be my fault. I want you to be happy, Peri. But I want you safe too. And... And I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to do both"

 In a matter of seconds, two short, green arms wrapped around her neck, much to her surprise. She could hear some sniffs and a tear or two landed on her left shoulder. "You clod" Peridot said, barely keeping it together "Even with all that you did to Jasper, I would never see you as a threat. You are the best that happened to me. Really, the best. And you changed, Lapis. Sure you make mistakes and sometimes let your emotions get the best of you, but you're still great. You have come so far like me. You would never hurt me"

 "How do you know?" the blue gem couldn't believe what she was listening to. "Because I see it in your eyes. And yeah, it sounds cheesy and cliché as humans say, but I mean it! I truly do! Despite everything we put the other through, what we have has become something more beautiful and stronger than we could have imagined. So, whether you want to fuse or not, don't worry. As long as we're together, as long as you're at my side, it will be enough for me to be happy" Peridot tightened her hold on her companion before continuing "I'm j-just overjoyed that you don't hate me"

 "You silly" Lapis now was hugging her while crying "Why would I hate you? You're the best that happened to me too. Just because I'm not sure what to do concerning fusion, it doesn't mean that my feelings towards you are going to change. Peridot," Lazuli looked pulled away gently and looked at her seriously "I'm still unsure of what to do about your wish...and your safety too. To be honest, I don't trust myself. Not entirely when a subject like this comes to the picture. But, if you really want to fuse with me, I will do it then. For you. Let's give it a try"

 Peridot's mind was divided. A part of her was screaming in happiness because one of her wishes would come reality and it would be with her beloved. However, another part within her reminded the green gem about their powerless condition which prevented that wish to be fulfilled. "Thanks, Laz. You don't know how much that means to me... But, I, no, we can't. It's impossible"

 "What?" Saying that Lapis was shocked was an understatement after hearing that answer.

 "Laz, I don't know if you have forgotten but our powers are neutralized for some reason, and now that we're stuck here we cannot use them anymore. So, even if we try to fuse, nothing will happen. That was...another reason why I didn't want to tell you about my wish"

 "Oh" the blue gem facepalmed mentally for forgetting that simple but very important detail. She was so caught up reflecting about fusion, her mistakes, her relationship with Peridot and then trying to look for her love that she didn't think about the impossibility of fusing because of their condition. "I-I see... I'm sorry, Peri"

 "Hey, it's not your fault. Besides, you're here with me. We're together. I just hope you don't get bored with me as your only company"

 "Why would I? Peri, I've been alone a big part of my life and I even thought isolating myself would help me deal with the pain, but it didn't. Being with my family, my friends, with you especially, that's what helped me. You and I, there for each other, that's enough and I couldn't ask for anything else"

 Peridot smiled while a river of tears ran down her cheeks, she hugged Lapis again and savored the intimacy, the trust and love between them. Even with the rest of her lives in the void-like dimension, she knew deep down that with Lapis, that kind of end didn't sound so sad anymore.

 How much time did they spend like that, cuddled and hugging each other tightly? Both gems had no idea, though caring about that was out of question. Then, Lazuli got up from the floor and lent Peridot a hand who took it confusedly. "Is something wrong? Do you want to go somewhere else? Because there isn't so much to see if you have seen it"

 "No, Peri. It's not that. What if we dance for a while? Would you like to?" the green gem sighed sadly and was going to say what Lapis suspected but was interrupted "I know we cannot fuse, but I didn't ask you to dance so we can try on the impossible. I want to dance with you to pass the time. To enjoy it together. What do you say?"

 "Oh... Well, uuummm, I'm not that skilled in dancing, maybe I make a fool of myself"

 "It's ok, I can help you" A kind smile was enough for Peri to give in. Lapis right hand holding the engineer's left one, while the blue gem's left was in Peridot's right shoulder. Peri didn't know what to do with her right hand until Lapis instructed her to put it in her waist. With the position all set up, she moved to her right, her companion doing the same with her left foot; the same thing happened in the opposite direction.

 Minutes later, they were in a more synchronized and harmonic rhythm, Peridot finally leaving her tension and fear of feeling ridiculous behind to have some well-deserved fun with the person she loved most. Lapis' smile was bigger and shined marvelously at seeing her beloved enjoying the activity, relaxed and not full of self-hatred.

 Soon there were giggles that turned into laughs as the dance got more sophisticated. Both gems felt lighter, revitalized, energized by the other's company. This was more fulfilling than having her powers back, it felt like home seeing your significant one in front of you smiling.

 Peridot got more daring in the dance and gave Lapis a waltzes turn despite not being as tall as the blue gem, and in exchange, her companion did the same. Peri pecked her romantic partner's lips in an instant, smirking at the blushed face of Lazuli and put her in a deep dip. The other smiled amused and turned around with the green gem in her arms, dancing in circles elegantly.

 She'd never had so much fun, but then one of her feet made trip the other and she fell, back ready to collide with the invisible ground. Thankfully, Peri stopped her fall by grabbing her waist with both hands and all the strength she had which wasn't that much. Lapis looked at her surprised, the other gem blushed deeply trying to think on something to say, but her chance was taken by her love's laughter, so contagious that even Peridot snorted and erupted in giggles.

 It was liberating. The darkness, the silence, the harsh reality, their situation and everything they had lost, none of that mattered at that moment but the sheer joy of dancing with someone they loved. Moved by those sentiments, Lapis and Peridot pressed their foreheads to the other's and kissed like there was no tomorrow. Passion and love back together making them shine metaphorically and literally. Their whole bodies turning a blinding white, mixing together until becoming a big mass of light.

 'What is this?' It thought, confused and surprised 'Am I--?' But couldn't finish its sentence when a strong sense of longing hit it. Home. It wanted to go home. Family, friends, Little Homeworld, Steven, Pumpkin, all those words transformed into feelings, then into images that increased its brightness. It impulsed the being, like fuel for a rocket, to what it believed up was.

 Going fast or to the light's speed was an understatement, though the thing didn't care at all as long as it could find a way home, an exit from the desolated darkness. Without noticing, a tunnel made by light and shadows were taking shape in front of it.

 The being accelerated as it saw very far away bits of an opening. It looked like the sunlight going through the holes of a wall, that was enough for the thing to boost its energy. The end of the tunnel got closer and closer, the hole becoming clearer while letting more sunlight illuminate the path until it consumed everything.

 Then...

 "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" that was the only thing heard in the highest part of the highlands, coming from a mass of light which crashed on the top of a huge snow-covered, rocky pilar. In an instant, two figures emerged from the snow, spitting and coughing. Peridot rubbed her eyes and froze at the incredible change of scenery.

 There wasn't darkness or silence anymore. High hills and rocky columns were gathered in front of the majestic mountain whose peak they were trying to reach. "L-Lapis--" she was going to inform her romantic partner about her discovery until she saw the aghast gaze of the blue gem.

 "We escaped..." Lazuli's shocked whisper was a total contradiction with her expression, unable to believe that she and Peridot had gotten out of the darkness they had labeled as their end of the journey. The green gem launched at her with a hug crying of relief. Hope revived in a snap.

 Her blue companion took a bit to reciprocate the feeling but when she did, it was as fervent as Peri's. The svelte Crystal Gem spooned her love while jumping in circles, her giggles a mix of shock and faith she thought she had lost. "We're free, Peri! We're free! Free!" the other nodded endlessly, feeling like she could take on everything and everyone at once.

 "I don't care if I was proven wrong of being trapped there forever! We have another chance! We can still go back home!" Peridot pointed like an excited child to the top of the mountain. Its crevice spilling light in the form of a pilar.

 "We are so clo-- Aaaaggghhh!!!" Lapis fell to her knees much to Peri's concern. The tear-shaped gemstone felt like a giant battery, hot to the touch and sending deep-cutting volts to her whole body. Peridot's horrified gasped made her look at herself and Lapis didn't like what she saw.

[diloph]

Diloph, I don't mean to bring SU discourse to your blog, and I haven't actually watched in a long time, but I was wondering what you think of how the Diamonds have been handled. I'm not against evil people being redeemed, but everyone just being a-ok with them feels off. They're the reason Pink was such a horrible person, they mutilated their own people into forced fusions, and implied genocide. Meanwhile Jasper had to go through hell, even though she was just following the diamonds orders.

It's... a difficult question to answer, really.

I don't think they're irredeemable, though before Pink's “death” (and her subsequent, literal death), it might have proven impossible to find a chink in their self-absorbed way of thinking. I've seen far worse villains being offered redemption with angst and sympathy about them not taking it or what they could be if they did, as well as worse villains actually taking the redemption and making it stick.

Part of me thinks that people struggle to reconcile the idea of the Diamonds being redeemed because of who they are. The Diamonds are the absolute highest authority when it comes to Gem society and all the things that Homeworld has done. Every move they've made that's hurt somebody, unless it was based in individual biases, accidents or coincidence and so on, has come from orders from the Diamonds, or Gems looking to please the Diamonds by fulfilling a function.

They aren't soldiers, or henchmen or superweapons given sentience, they're the top dogs. So far as we're aware, there's nobody above them. They are accountable for everything.

I kinda look back at what Pearl said in an earlier episode, that humans like to rationalise that all the evils of the worlds can be taken to some higher place, some ne'er do-well who can be confronted and defeated, allowing us to live in a place where everything is good forever, or at least until the next one chances their arm.

The Diamonds, particularly White, are those figureheads.

While the specifics are blurry (how many worlds and lifeforms, let alone sentient lifeforms for example) and we don't know how far reaching the consequences are in full, it's clear to me that the Diamonds have done some pretty terrible things. Just their treatment of Pink and their own subjects alone is plenty evidence for them to be marked as evil. In turn, their evil acts inspired or instructed others to do evil acts, with all the consequences that followed.

Enter Steven.

Steven Universe is a show based in optimism and hope; acknowledging that everybody makes mistakes and can be a good person, if they're willing to put the effort in. However, I don't think it pulls any punches when it comes to the fact that it acknowledges that evil and cruelty etcetera are things to be confronted and fought against.

In that sense, the Diamonds are certainly given a lot of leeway. They've perpetuated a system that has caused rampant destruction and suffering, even amongst their own subjects, even amongst themselves and the show believes that they can be redeemed. How? How can they possibly ever account for all the suffering they've caused?

I think the answer to that lies in the fact that Steven, as Pink's son, has the leverage over the Diamonds that Pink never had. He has given them hope after they spent millennia in mourning, hatred and stagnation. Even the mighty White Diamond, arguably the most powerful being in the universe, will bend over backwards to please Steven, even in the slightest way, just if it keeps him around, just if he can fill the void that Pink left behind.

That in mind, we're faced with another question. What happens when Steven dies? 100 years after that? 1000? 10000? Even longer than that? What's to stop them from shrugging their shoulders and just starting up the colonies again?

The answer, is of course, we don't know. We don't know if the Diamonds are simply biding their time, smiling through their teeth, until Steven carks it and then it's back to razing civilisations they go, but given the general tone of the series, I doubt that Steven Universe is as cynical as that.

It's certainly not realistic. People do that all the time. But equally people do monstrous things, realise that they have done monstrous things and then try to account for them. Whether they can or not is subjective, but equally it's just as unrealistic to believe that absolutely nobody would ever do the right thing because they've done the wrong thing, or have remorse and regret over their actions.

Steven Universe is an escapist fantasy series about a magical boy and his magical rock mothers and their cool adventures. It's not to say that the issues can't be addressed ever, but people are far, far too cynical about it; I think that we're meant to it, to believe that such a world could come to pass if we tried hard enough. Wouldn't it be great if we could get through to everybody with a smile, a song and a speech? That people who have done great misdeeds can make up for them?

Ultimately, the Diamonds have made the first step. They want to interact with Steven and as a result, they are capable of feeling empathy (though whether they lacked it before or had simply repressed it or were even simply ignorant to the suffering of “lesser” beings because of how they were made) and the test will come as life goes on. We may never see that effort in full, hell, Steven may never see that in his lifetime, but he hopes that they can change.

It's not without evidence. Blue speaks at length about it before White Diamond assumes direct control of her. White gives up when Pink Steven knocks her down and unites with Flesh Steven to make good ol' Regular Steven, beyond throwing a tantrum for a bit. They go to Earth and help to uncorrupt some of the many Gems that they're responsible for harming. By the movie, even their Pearls, who are meant to be sycophantic slaves, programmed for that even, have enough freedom of speech to snort and sneer at their former god-empress.

A lot of willpower has went into them making changes, prompted by Steven or not and things are looking bright so far. If they really wanted to, the Diamonds could answer to absolutely nobody. For the longest time, they believed that they were all-powerful, immortal and invulnerable. Prior to the war on Earth, it was believed that Diamonds couldn't be shattered. Now that we know the circumstances behind it, for all we know, they can't be shattered at all.

Even making them retreat into their Gem is hard enough; Yellow couldn't poof Blue (though, again, whether she was trying to and not capable remains to be seen) and Pink needed to be “shattered” with a specialised weapon to poof her.

Oh, sure, people are quick to rally around the Breaking Point, but they forget that it was never used against anybody, let alone the Diamonds. We don't even know how practical it would've been to use in battle, after all, the only person using it and knew how it worked intimately was defeated by a child with a sword while he was trying to run away.

Whether the Breaking Point or indeed anything could kill a Diamond, so far, the only weapon that has even came close to inhibiting a Diamond's Gem was Spinel's Rejuvenator, but I'd argue that's a moot point. Even if the Diamonds could be fought, defeated and contained through struggle or the efforts of some Super Fusion, it might not be possible for them to account for their crimes in a way that deprives them of their lives.

Incarceration or bubbling might work, but they could always be freed. How long do bubbles last, how long would it be until a mistake frees one of them or loyalists free these immortal and unkillable beings?

Conventional methods of “dealing” with the Diamonds are entirely speculative and until Rebecca introduces something like “Diamond Smasher” missile platforms, invented by Peridot and Bismuth collaborating, I would hazard that Steven's method of influencing these Gem matriarchs is probably the best in the long run.

The effort he's going to isn't to destroy the Diamonds, it's to save them and in turn, the people they could hurt if they were allowed to continue on. The people that they have hurt, to allow them to recover. To make them into better people that will feel guilt and remorse for their actions, try to account for them by protecting all life they come across for the rest of time, to the fullest of their abilities. If they are immortal then they require an immortal solution.

It doesn't mean that those they hurt (and are alive and are still capable of thought, because man the things that people can do to others in real life are fucked up enough, let alone in magic sci-fi land) are going to forgive them. Why should they? They are the victims, they have been hurt. Turning the Diamonds into better people is to stymie more people getting hurt, to account for that damage they caused. It may never be enough, it can never be enough, but it's better than nothing and it's certainly better than the opposite.

Who knows how the Diamond's saga will end? Actually, no, stupid question; Rebecca Sugar, probably, but as for the rest of us, we're in the dark. Will the Diamonds step down as leaders, even as figureheads, of Homeworld? Will they leave their species in order to make a fresh start in some new quadrant of the universe where they can help others and those that they've hurt don't have to look at them? Will they depart unannounced one day and sit on a ship, gathering dust, for all eternity? Would they even try to kill themselves if the guilt got too strong?

To sum it up, I don't know. I want to believe the best in people, that everybody can account for their actions to some degree because I'm a bit of an optimist, but I realise that there are some things that can't be forgiven or absolved or made up for or whatever. But, maybe, in that universe, they can. Maybe they can heal the Cluster? Maybe they can help every single shard? Rebuild every ruined life? Its nature as a lighter shade of a complicated universe means that there is potential and there is hope to do so.

And now that we're in Steven Universe Future, it's clear that the Diamonds aren't being absolved of all sin. Pearl assumes that White Diamond was the one behind Volleyball's (no, sorry, can't do it) Pink Pearl's damage and she's furious. When she realises it was Pink, she's shocked and disturbed, but is still supportive of her older counterpart. She doesn't hesitate to comfort her or when Steven snaps, defend Pink Pearl against her own son. She recognises that the person she'd loved did a terribly fucked up thing, intentional or not and moves to comfort the victim.

Steven finds their attentions exhaustive in the movie, though that is probably down to spending so much time with them and investing so much effort in getting them to change, leading him to leave them abruptly despite their pleas to stay (and resume his post so to speak, but probably just as much for the company). When they appear at the end, Steven, who has had a rough day, doesn't particularly sweet-talk them into going so much as flat out telling White that he wasn't crazy about them living on Earth, even as White tries the dramatic grandma act.

It's probably why I'm a lot more kind on the ending of the film having Spinel leave with the Diamonds. They both need somebody to help them with their problems and they sort of fill the niche that they each want from the other, while acknowledging that it isn't going to be as it was before and that they aren't the person who they are replacing. They will try.

(And for the record, if things go to hell, Spinel can take care of herself. In fact, I'd worry more about the Diamonds pissing off her than the other way around, she's a smart cookie.)

Honestly, it's the layers of complexity that Steven Universe has that makes a simple question like the one posited kinda difficult to answer. Referring back to that, Jasper for example, why does it seem like she's having to work super hard for a redemption? The answer is that she's pretty complex too.

From what I've read and seen about Jasper, her biggest failing is that she's Gem Vegeta meant to be this perfect super soldier, indestructible and unbeatable. She was built to fight and relishes battle, loves any opportunity to prove that. She takes pride in her abilities because she was literally the best type of gem to do them and was born as a flawless being in Gem eyes. She fulfils her function and she's equipped to do so with maximum efficiency.

Naturally, to quote the saying, pride goeth before the fall. Jasper's hangup is that she does not cope with failure well; she acknowledges that it happens, but constantly rails against it. New strategies, new tactics... new excuses for her failure. New people to blame.

Jasper's biggest failing is that she believes that, despite being the perfect Quartz soldier, she was also born a failure. The colony failed and their leader, a Diamond, was destroyed by the rebels that she went toe-to-toe with and could not beat. She failed in protecting the being that she was most loyal to... and that failure haunts her.

When it came time to bail and nuke Earth from orbit, Jasper was left without a chance to avenge Pink, settle the score and find closure. No matter what she did and was that she failed Pink Diamond and everything else from thereon in was a failure as a result.

But failure was something that imperfect, flawed Gems did. Failure was something that you'd expect from some know-it-all Peridot, getting too big for her boots. Not her. Not the perfect Quartz. The perfect Quartz won any and every battle it was deployed in, shattered every enemy it faced. And, wasn't she the perfect Quartz? Didn't Homeworld call her a war hero? Didn't Yellow Diamond herself take her into her court while all the others of her Kindergarten get relegated to some dusty relic in space?

In a way, Jasper fell into her own legend. She had an idealised version of herself that she knew, subconsciously, that she could never truly be. This self-hatred drove out all of her positive traits, save for determination and reinforced her negative ones. It overshadowed her when Steven tried to help her, because accepting the help would make her weak and she despised being weak.

It's also the character niche that she fills too. Jasper was the first enemy that the Crystal Gems faced that didn't appear sympathetic on the surface. She was more directly involved in the plot than the Diamonds were for a long time, they were distant figures who had orchestrated the war. Now, here was an antagonist that worked on a more personal level by targeting “Rose” and “her” fellows directly.

Jasper despised weakness and when faced with the Crystal Gems in person, all she saw was weakness. A random Pearl that got it into her head that she was free to do whatever she liked while Jasper and everybody else followed orders. Some fusion between two Gems of completely different classes, outright heretical. This... malformed, tiny Quartz that came from the same place as her, could have been a functioning soldier like Jasper or worse, Jasper like her.

Even then she could shrug that off. They were clearly some rag-tag band of survivors from Homeworld's attack, they just got lucky. Have Peridot annihilate them with the ship and be done with it. But hey, at least Rose Quartz is dead, even if she didn't get the satisfaction of shattering her. Killing the last of the rebels was still closure, of a sort.

But as events unfolded, to Jasper, it seemed like Rose Quartz wasn't dead at all. Her greatest enemy, Homeworld's Most Wanted, Rose Quartz... was hiding behind her soldiers, in the body of and mimicking the simpering attitude of a human child.

Rose who she respected the tactics of. Rose who found a way to kill a perfect being. Now a weakling. These were the people that defeated Homeworld. Shattered a Diamond, her Diamond. These were the people that defeated her. But if they were so weak, wouldn't that make her even weaker?

No. That was impossible. She would prove it by taking them down, making them account for their crimes.

So, Jasper became obsessed with taking down the Crystal Gems by any means necessary. Anything she could justify to prove that she was the strongest, that she could think on her feet, that she was successful and everything that she was made to be.

Had you told the Jasper in “The Return” that she would be out in the Earth wilderness, trying to put together a motley crew of corrupted Gems in “Earthlings”, she'd have laughed you out of the room or killed you for even implying she could fall so low, fail so hard. But she could reason with herself that if her enemy was going to “cheat”, why shouldn't she?

Fusion went from a “Cheap tactic” to a viable weapon; Malachite gave her all the power in the world, if she could only use it. Rose Quartz had her misfit army, so Jasper forged her own, giving these lost individuals purpose again, just like she did. If it were her in the same situation, she would be grateful... except she wouldn't be in that situation because she was perfect.

Except she wasn't perfect. Jasper kept failing. In fact, that's all she ever seemed to do on the planet of her birth: fail. So, her loathing grew. She couldn't fail, so she would just try something else. Whatever it took.

And all those failings kept coming. Starting off by going against the orders to check on the Cluster in favour of carting Rose back to civilisation despite protests only got her ship destroyed and both her and Peridot marooned on a hostile planet. Garnet matched her and defeated her. Lapis trapped her in a fusion. Alexandrite defeated Malachite, Lapis refused her, she lost against Stevonnie despite having “backup” and trouncing Amethyst. Then, against Smoky Quartz, she met her downfall by fusing with one of the corrupted Gems, infecting her as well.

Jasper's hell was that most of it was a result of her failure to back down. She might not have deserved to be held by Lapis in Malachite, but she didn't exactly have many other people to blame for forming the massive Fusion when her sole objective was to murder the Crystal Gems. When she got control of Malachite, she went straight to murder. When they were separated, she went to Lapis so that she could get the power back that eliminated her weakness so that she could murder. She built an army to lead against the Crystal Gems because she wanted to murder them. She poofed Amethyst with the intent to shatter her. She fused with a corrupted monster because she wanted to murder Smoky Quartz.

Jasper had a spectacular talent of getting herself into messes because she can't let go of hatred and the need to cause harm. Granted, that is as a result of her attempt to heal her own wounds, prove to herself that she isn't a failure, but she's still trying to kill our protagonists and a lot of the time, laughing as she does it.

When, finally, Jasper is at her lowest, corrupting and abandoned by her feral army of monsters, she rejects Steven's help. Why should she accept it when she sees the truth of it all; that Rose Quartz manipulates the weak and abandoned Gems, giving them purpose again. Makes them all into bodies to put between her and the forces of Homeworld under the guise of love and caring.

To accept help is weak. She refuses to believe that she is weak, but at the same time, knows that she is. Jasper has struggled with that dichotomy for all of her existence and it kills her. She's trapped in her own logic. If she accepts help, then she proves herself to be a weakling. But if she fights against it, then that proves that she is strong. Strong enough not to break down or corrupt.

Ultimately, this attitude gets the character put on hiatus, poofed and bubbled. When we see her cured in Rose's Fountain at the end of the original series' run, she still hasn't learned the lesson. She has a moment of confusion at where she is, then she sees Steven. Crash Helmet activated, Jasper moves in to fight... then spots Yellow Diamond glancing at her out of the side of her eye. Sees Blue and even the mighty White Diamond sitting there in the water.

All around them, Gems she knew, Gems she didn't, Homeworld and Crystal Gems all talking and laughing and hugging and healing from this corruption. Even the Crystal Gem that she'd went out of her way to rile up the most, Amethyst, gently reassures her as the truth hits her.

Jasper was made for fighting and the fighting is over. It shakes her a lot. Suddenly, everything she's hated herself for is moot. She's left without a purpose.

When we see her in Future, time has passed and it's clear she's still struggling with the hatred, because all she has known through most of her existence was that hatred. It is a part of her. She's beginning to recover slowly, make a change, but she's not there yet.

In the time that's passed, we know things have changed a lot. Given how dismissive Amethyst is towards the concept of Jasper joining Little Homeschool, any attempt to connect with her fellow Quartz has been unsuccessful at best. Jasper is still turning down help.

When Steven wanders over, she begrudgingly explains that she's listless. The fighting is over, so all she has is to prepare for the next war, if there even is one. She still sees herself as something to be proud of, something to be held above others, so she removes herself from the other Gems and lives in solitude. Any organic life on her territory is eradicated with no mercy, even if it's a frustrating inconvenience.

And as Steven isn't Pink, she doesn't have to treat him like a Diamond, even if the others do (out of misunderstanding or genuine gratitude for saving them or simply making him synonymous with a Diamond). I get the view that she finds him insufferable or at the very least annoying, because now she's getting the “peace and love” speech in person every so often and can't really do anything about it.

After she bemoans that nobody is willing to fight her anymore, Steven calls her out on the fact that she has done this to herself. She keeps refusing help because she's too mired in her ways, too proud to let herself be “weak” again. Hence why she's living in a cave in the woods, only marginally better than when she was trying to recruit corrupted Gems to take down Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl.

Of course, Jasper blows this off and ignores him until Steven agrees to do the one thing she wants, just so he can get through to her. He'll fight her. It's like switch is flicked. Jasper expresses genuine happiness and anticipation. She can do what she's good at again! She can relive the glory days for this one moment! Prove to herself that she wasn't weak for losing in a fair fight for once!

And she loses. The fight is fair, it's really one on one as she'd requested, but she loses. That's because she slips into her old habits of dissecting what she sees as weakness and once again, it costs her the battle.

To her, Steven always had backup to take her down, so even now, with all his powers, he's still no match for the orange Gem. However, when Steven gets mad and goes pink he completely flattens her.

But the biggest difference in all of this is that even though she doesn't win the fight, like she believed she might have, Jasper succeeds in getting what she wanted and getting something else out of Steven. She wanted a good fight and got one. Even though he beats her, he's showing physical strength now, anger and annoyance... he's just as flawed as everybody else is. He challenged her to a fair fight and she lost that fair fight because he was the stronger opponent. No “tricks”, just brawling. How it was meant to work.

She even scolds him for apologising for knocking her around because she got to live again. When Steven asks Jasper to tutor him, to show him how to harness his aggressive feelings, good... gooooood, young Skywalker new powers, she does what the earlier Jasper would never do. She gets on his level and gently lets him down.

That's a huge step. She recognises that she can respect Steven, even slightly. Sure, she might not be into what he's selling most of the time, but she realised that there is some common ground for the two, just enough to engage with him for a moment. She's progressing.

So, in conclusion, what's the difference between their arcs? The Diamonds committed terrible crimes, but unlike Jasper, they seem to be taking steps to change and become better people by recognising that they've done wrong. When called out on how they treated Pink and the other Gems, they turned within the (admittedly hour long) episode. Blue Diamond tried to reason with Yellow, then both of them with White and finally, White. They had the will to change because they realised their actions had consequences and will, hopefully, be able to account in some way for the things they have done.

Jasper, on the other hand, doesn't have such grave crimes to account for, but for her, everything was much more personal, much more cerebral. She refused to give in because not only was she determined, but she was actively trying to thwart her own self-hatred by succeeding. Jasper didn't see what she did was wrong, I'm still unsure if she does now, but she's finally started on the path to healing now because she's finally found something of worth from a Crystal Gem, even if said Crystal Gem isn't in the healthiest place right now.

Speaking of, her remarks about Steven were pretty on point as we see later in Future. Steven is worried about everybody not needing him any more and he lashes out as a result. Maybe part or indeed a large chunk of Jasper's redemption will be seeing the same self-loathing she experienced grow in Steven and empathising with him and trying to help him, given that the seeds of respect were beginning to form between them. And hey, given her ability to diagnose psychological issues in a heartbeat, she might have a career in that later on, as unlikely as it sounds. Little Homeschool is always recruiting.

The fact is that while I believe that both the Diamonds and Jasper have a long way to go when it comes to redemption, either to account for the magnitude of their crimes for the former or to finally accept help from others, putting one's own demons to rest in the case of the latter, they've started off the whole process with Steven's help. It may be slow and difficult for them, but they have a chance to make themselves and by extension, their whole world, better.

And isn't that what Steven Universe is about?

[no-other-words]

later is now

synopsis: two years worth of photos on Hinata’s Instagram and not a word from kageyama. you’d think after an entire high school career spent with the most sociable human on earth, he would’ve pick up some communication skills but here he is—sitting alone in the locker room crouched over his phone, brooding over the fact he can’t even press ‘like’ on a harmless picture, let alone comment. #major manga spoilers ahead #post chapter 370 #slight angst? and fluff? #pre-relationship

Don’t be dramatic, dumbass. You’re making it sound like I died.

‘then where have u been? where did u fuck off to kageyama?

---

His thumb hover dangerously close over the heart sign, frozen in mid-air just like how he’s been frozen in time for the past years. There’s a calm before the storm until the nerves eventually get to Kageyama and his hand recoils as if the photo he’s staring at is a violent wake up call.

Hinata’s gotten a bit more tanned from the last time he posted a picture. Darker around the arms and legs, it highlights the toned muscles developed over the years. He’s got an even larger presence than the one Kageyama holds onto in his memories. Still the same smile though—vibrant, bigger than life, and nothing held back.

It makes his chest hurt.

The photo is of Hinata posing on a beach alongside a fellow volleyball player. He’s wearing a sleeveless tank and Kageyama finds himself staring at the biceps bared to the world. His account is private right? It better be private. Thirsty messages should not be welcomed in the comments.

He hears his name being called from outside the locker room. It’s time for practice.

Stolen moments are just that—fleeting minutes playing catch-up with Hinata picture by picture. Then, it’s back to reality and the court in front of him.

In the end, Kageyama decides on doing nothing and shuts off his phone. He pockets it in the jacket, his last name printed gloriously over the V.League team’s red and white jersey.

Two years’ worth of photos on Hinata’s Instagram and nothing from Kageyama.

You’d think after an entire high school career spent with the most sociable human on Earth, Kageyama would’ve pick up some communication skills but here he is—sitting alone in the locker room crouched over his phone, brooding over the fact he can’t even press ‘Like’ on a harmless picture, let alone comment.

Pathetic.

---

Thinking back, he should have said something. They were once partners for god’s sake, and now they might as well be strangers from the gap Kageyama’s unwittingly carved between them.

His last interaction with Hinata from the chat box, when Kageyama follows him on Instagram a few months after he’s landed in Brazil. He’d been immediately DM’d, Hinata calling him out for being late on the social media game.

‘ur now a part of a professional team! u need to make ur presence known or ur fans will be real sad’

Kageyama hadn’t responded.

He hasn’t done anything, in fact. No messages, no likes, no comments, no replies. The only thing that holds to his account is a profile picture of a Mikasa volleyball on the old Karasuno jersey. He’s here to play volleyball on the national stage, his game can speak for him.

By the time he’s realized his mistake, Kageyama finds himself frequently checking Hinata’s Instagram page and revisiting old posts. That—he’s allowed to do, no? And it’s an impressive curation—hundreds of photos narrating his two years stay in Brazil. Two years’ worth of change, growth, learning, and memories that Hinata’s making.

Two years without him.

Kageyama finds it hard to keep up sometimes. Following his life in the form of mere pictures and captions doesn’t really fill the void.

---

The only wisp of connection he has to his old team is through Tsukishima—the salty bastard of all people. When the blonde messages him though, Kageyama is already aware.

For the first time, Hinata has posted a video. It’s short—capturing only a few seconds but those seconds are enough. The pants Hinata wears are tight and moves enticingly with his quads. They bend, expand, and hup—from the sands, Hinata soars above the net, his wings in the form of haloed sun-rays, and passes the volleyball to his spiker.

Hinata has learned to set. And what a beautiful set it is.

Kageyama smirks. Nothing less from a starved crow.

He re-watches several times, unable to let go of the breath he’s been holding. If he does, the magic will go away. Something tightens in his chest. It spreads and grabs hold of his stomach and twists and turns and evolves into a fierce wanting.

Tsukishima’s text repeats in his head.

Looks like he’s aiming for FIVB World Cup. Maybe you’ll see him in the next Olympics?

He watches the video again. Memorizes the form of Hinata’s jump, the curve of his spine, the reach from his arms. His hair floats airily in a poof orange cloud, his lips slightly opened in concentration.

Alluring in every possible way.

This time, he doesn’t hold back. kageyama.t leaves a heart on the post along with a simple comment.

You can do better.

---

‘kageyama? omg zombie-yama has resurfaced from the dead!’

‘both a like AND a comment? wow did i do to deserve this? has hell frozen over?’

The twelve-hour difference between them has never had an impact for Kageyama. They don’t even talk anymore so what’s it to him if he misses a few instant messages from the person he’s been silently following (stalking) online since forever?

Apparently, a great deal.

It’s already 11PM in Brazil, Kageyama impatiently notes. He should know better than to wait until it’s a better time for Hinata. But like a landslide racing towards the end, the compulsive words are typed and sent before he knows it.

Don’t be dramatic, dumbass. You’re making it sound like I died.

‘then where have u been?’

Kageyama almost drops his phone, not expecting the quick turnaround from Hinata. His heart beats annoyingly loud and it’s the only thing he hears in the room.

Why are you still awake? Isn’t it late over there?

‘i cant sleep. u know how i am. a ghost from my past decided to come back to life’

The sad thing is he’s right. Kageyama knows him all too well. He swallows the hard lump in his throat.

‘dont u dare ignore me. where did u fuck off to kageyama?’

He also knows Hinata rarely gets mad. This is one of those rare times. His head starts to buzz.

Nowhere. Volleyball’s been keeping me busy.

‘too busy to talk to a friend?’

His breathing quickens in short and shallow bursts. Questions, fears, and doubts swell into his mind and he needs to look away from the screen for a bit. Calm down—Hinata has all the right to call him out.

Maybe it’s a mistake to like his post.

No. Hinata deserves that and way more.

Maybe that’s why he should’ve reached out earlier. Ease it in. He should’ve responded to that first message.

He should’ve done a lot of things.

‘dont ignore me. ur not a coward.’

Kageyama stares at Hinata’s words. Damn him for always being right, for pulling him back. For saying things as is and pushing him to further ends.

I don’t know what to say.

‘well ur in luck. u can practice whatever u need to say with me soon. can u pick me up from the airport this weekend?’

What

‘im coming home for a visit. plane arrives at 4:30pm jst. terminal 1’

Home. He likes the sound of that.

Why me?

‘y not? my fam’s out of town and u owe it to me.’

Sneaky little turd.

Kageyama bites off a smile.

Fine.                                                            

‘come prepared. u and i have a score to settle’

You and I. Him and Hinata. Sounds familiar.

Sounds fitting.

---

When they meet, every memory made at Karasuno comes rushing like a giant wave riding the high winds.

First year nationals when they suffered a defeat with Hinata off-court. Hinata’s struggles in the academics and Kageyama’s equally abominable grades. Their makeshift practices during lunch on the school rooftop and late-night snack runs after training. Second year’s expected yet satisfying loss to Dateko and a hard-won third place in third year. The utter thrill of the orange court, the intensity of the game. The fleeting glances, the accidental touches.

The implicit words. Unspoken feelings.

The unequivocal promise after a splendid receive from Kageyama’s serve.

See you later.

Hinata unabashedly marches up to Kageyama, suitcase in tow, and punches Kageyama hard on the chest.

He expects it just as much.

The shorter man doesn’t pull back, instead spreads his hand wide and presses against Kageyama’ body. In the middle of a large, well air-conditioned airport, the spot where Hinata’s touching him is blazing hot.

“Damn it,” Hinata hisses through his pout, “you’re still bigger than me.”

Kageyama snorts. Figures he’d say something stupid first.

He’s stumped at what to do next. Two full years of going radio-silent on the man (man, not boy anymore) has him doubting again. What’s acceptable, what’s appropriate, what’s allowed?

He starts to open his arms and Hinata jumps into him instantly, strong arms over his shoulder and his face buried in the crevice of Kageyama’s neck.

A fresh whiff of his hair and Kageyama softens. Things are…alright. A void is being filled.

Hinata’s voice is muffled against his neck, absolute yet frail. “I missed you.”

He did too.

“I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.”

“We have a lot of things to iron out.”

Kageyama gulps. “Okay.”

“Kageyama?” Hinata pulls back, determination flashing in his eyes. “It’s later.”

He still remembers that perfect form Hinata had embodied on the other side of the court, meeting him halfway in both passion for the sport and a knowing smile.

See you later!

Someone probably has already recognized him as a member of a V.League club, but he doesn’t care. Tightening his hold around Hinata, feeling the defined muscles hot under his grasp, Kageyama lays his forehead on Hinata’s shoulder in an act of release.

“Yeah, later is now.”

---

a/n: because the way i cope with the recent chapter is creating headcanons and writing them out

[lombax-lombardi]

Reflections~

Summary: Being a spirit of some kind was tough. Sure you can manifest a physical form whenever you wish but sometimes you run into a reflection of yourself. And the real feelings come out.

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Characters: Direheart.

Note: Well thanks to @rii--flect I have caught the feels. Now time to write the feels asdfghjkl!

She was in love once.

Once being the keyword.

Now that was she connected with so many others, even her alternate selves, feeling all the feel made her jealous.

She wish she didn’t feel this way but she did! She didn’t deserve what happened to her if she knew it was going to make her this way!

Most of the residents of Radiant Garden, which it was now called thanks to Sora and friends, were upset at her presence. Not her presence entirely but the fact she was so sad was affecting the others.

Even the mopiest person, Cloud Strife, was starting to feel how heavy her emotions were taking a toll on the residents. The ghost had become close with the Restoration Committee during her much allotted time there.

 Yuffie, the young ninja, was laying on the floorboards of Merlin’s house while Aerith, the charming brunette in pink, sat nearby. “Something seems to be troubling you?” her voice alerted Yuffie who looked up at the brunette.

“Kinda. It’s Direheart.” Upon the mention of the spirit’s name, the brunette seemed to nod in understanding. “She looks so miserable....It’s cause...I think I heard Merlin correctly....” she sat up trying hard to remember what the old wizard had told them when another voice spoke up.

“It’s because of what type of creature she is” The girls look up to see another brunette, clad in leather. “According to him because of a lack of a heart, that red ruby on her chest acts a substitute”

“But how can it act like that Leon?” Yuffie queried, the male folded his arms across his chest. “Even Marlin doesn’t know the whole story, Direheart is very quiet about her past. All we have to go on is that she has been around for a very long time”

Aerith takes a moment to speak up. “Not to mention she is probably worried for her friend Rii”

“Yeah. Sora and Riku did NOT look pleased at all that she got taken. But it’s like her whole demeanour affects everyone-” Yuffie was about to continue on when the stuffy old wizard himself decided to poof himself right in the middle of the conversation.

“Well my dear as Leon was saying it has to do with that jewel carved into her chest. It allows her to maintain a stronger connection to others she has become rather close too. Even across worlds” the old wizard stroked his beard.

“Because when she feels miserable, the rest of you do because you are close to her. You believe you are friends yes?”

They nod in response to his question. “Good. Now according to what I have managed to learn, with what she has been able to tell me...” he pulled over a piece of parchment from his robe. “This is what she used to be like before her transformation”

The trio approached to stare at the piece of paper. It seemed to be a drawing, in colour of their ghostly friend. She had long brown hair with eyes to match and she...was smiling.

Yuffie stared wide eyed at the picture, Aerith seemed to stare in wonder and as for Leon well he was shocked to say the least. She used to look like that?

Then what in the hell happened to her to make her look like she does now?

“Now. From what I know about how she was before, she was very much like Sora. Kind, caring and all that and from what we were told by our robot visitor...” Merlin mumbles. They knew who he was referring to. 

Seven.

“She sacrificed herself to save her friends. And with being a spirit now, her connections with others are magnified on such a scale that she feels what they do”

Aerith lifts her head. “Everything? Every emotion? Thought?”

The old wizard gives the young woman a nod. “Why yes. Every single minuet thing she feels on a scale larger then normal my dear. The poor soul.”

The trio fall silent. Poor Direheart. What a miserable life she leads now.

Speaking of, said spirit was floating around the marketplace waiting for news or waiting for her friend to summon her again. Or to be called off to a different place yet again as is her wont in life now.

Well if you could call this a life. 

In her time here she had become close with Scrooge McDuck and his nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie. Mostly because she had a fondness for children in general and the boys were always polite to her and always asked her questions. In fact she had become close with all the people here, even Cloud with all his moping.

As she floated around she saw something, no, someone motioning for her to follow. She did so, taking a moment to land. She was greeted with bright blue eyes and a smile.

“Oh...Sora...hello..” she sounded so indifferent. “Aww come on Direheart, I can’t a smile from you?”

That sounded familiar to her. Ah right...Ven. It was hard to forget that a part of him was hold up inside the Keyblade holders heart. It was hard to not smile at him.

“There she is~”

“Why are you here Sora. You didn’t make a trip this long to come see little old me..” she said, face returning to its stone cold coverage, Sora placed his hands on his hips. “Look Direheart we are still looking for Rii but this has to do with something else....I got a strange message from a friend of yours...”

He began describing the person who delivered the message. Seven. She seemed to be popping up a lot more recently, trying her best to help.

Help huh? More like nuisance...No don’t think like that! The last time something like that happened the evil I’ve buried came out!

“What did she want?” Direheart spoke, glossy blue eyes. 

“Well what she basically said is that you really need to get over your losses and move forward. You are...kind of bringing everyone down.” He felt her eyes narrow, looking right through him. “Oh really? Kind of difficult when everything you loved and cared for vanished when you woke up after so long”

He seemed to have struck a nerve. Which wasn’t his intention he said it as nicely as he could. But several people did warn him that the spirit was a bit of a firecracker.

She turned her head away from. “Just find Rii...and keep the last part of my friend safe. I need to be alone” she flew off with Sora reaching out to stop her, but he was a tad too late. Damn it.

The spirit found herself in a quiet corner of Radiant Garden, sitting on the railing. “Get over it huh? Get over it? How would SHE know ANYTHING about getting over it!!” Her anger grew, loose strands of white hair covered her vision as she gripped her head. “If I didn’t save those fools I’d still be normal! But no here I am with nothing! With no one! The person I loved is now just a derelict suit of armour and I can’t bring myself to love another because I feel I don’t deserve such happiness!!” 

Her ministrations had caused the environment around her to twist and turn, moulding into new terrifying shapes. This wasn’t just anger, this was sadness.

“I see their smiling faces, going about their lives while I’m stuck in a sort of limbo with nothing and not a soul to call my own...all I wanted...all I want...” Tears fell from her eyes, wetting spots of concrete. Seeing the remnants of Terra that day really shook her core. Even she didn’t know it. It was hidden upon layers and layers of bile, hatred, jealousy.

“I don’t want to be alone anymore....can’t I just have that....” she asked to the silence.

No response.

Typical.

She was alone.

Always.

She wasn’t even aware of the ghostly visage standing in front of her. “Oh come on now me. Moping isn’t going to help you...”

She looked up in pure shock. Standing in front of her...was herself!

Well what she looked like before she removed her heart from her body.

“Come to berate me have you?” Her reflection shook her head. 

“No I’m here to tell you to stop moping and get up!”

The one in white scoffed. “As if. You’re me, like you can tell me what to do...”

Her reflection growled in protest, lifted up the spirit by the scuff of her dress, fists clenching ever tighter around the slightly visible fabric. Brown eyes stared in cloudy blue ones, the red markings around her eyes glowed somewhat amidst the darkness.

“Now you listen here, Me. Sure you lost me when you lost your heart. Sure you got forced out of two vessels when you weren’t ready! Sure it sucks that you have this fate thrust upon you and that guy you...no we fell in love with is now so separated it may take a long time to make him whole again...”

She felt her reflection tremble slightly. “But you cannot sit here and think you aren’t worthy of feeling that way again! You may have lost me somewhere beneath all the emotions of our alternates but enough is enough!”

The white haired female stared in shock at her reflection. This what was buried underneath it all? Some shred of her original persona left?

“I can’t come back. It’s far too late for me. You’ve become something completely new....Well...we have I guess...”

“But-”

“No buts Direheart! We both know that if you are gonna stave the darkness from you, you HAVE to get over the things in the past. We need to do this Direheart. So stop sitting there thinking that Terra is your one and only and you have lost the ability to love forever.” she motions a hand to a shining portal in the distance.

“You still have your memories right?”

“Yes I do but...”

“I’m not going to say lose yourself in them. There may be new loves in your life as you hop between worlds and help our alternates. Just stop beating yourself up over it...” She shakes her head. 

“Look you have people who care about you...” Visions of the people she had grown to care for started to fill the empty void, glowing brightly.

“Not to mention our alternates”

Yes. The others who share her name.

“Now look it will be tough but he did say he will come back...not today not tomorrow, not next month but he will” She released her from her grip. She noticed something her other half didn’t.

Not until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Direheart flinched.

She turned on her heel to meet those familiar brown eyes that she fell in love with so long ago. It was him, or what she remembered of him anyway.

“It’s you...a-are you...” It was hard to get the words out. Laughter. That same laugh she heard all the time.

“Let’s just say I’m right here..” he pressed a finger against the ruby. She looked confused. She didn’t have a heart.

“But I do not-”

“Yes you do. Listen..Madilyn...” This had to be an illusion. Unless she was in the darkness. It is said that you can sometimes see your loved ones in such a place.

But this darkness wasn’t malevolent.

It was kind.

“I...may not be here with you like I used too....and even if I am...brought back to normal who knows how you’ll feel then. But perhaps one day we could but...for now I just want you to be happy”

This had to be fake.

But she didn’t care.

The tears started rolling down her cheeks faster now. “You promise?” he asked her.

She nods.

“O-Okay..I-I promise...”

He gave her a smile. “That’s the woman I remember...” It was only for a moment but she swore she felt something press against her head, when she opened her eyes again, the visions were gone.

She ended up on her back, staring up at the clouds when a bob of black hair appeared in her vision. “Direheart?”

“ACK!” It seems Yuffie had found her, as she scrambled to her feet. “You startled me!”

“Well you startled us” The ninja said, earning a raised brow from the ghost. “Merlin could see a strange light all the way from his house. We thought you were in trouble”

“We?”

Yuffie nods as she turned her head at the sound of feet coming toward them. It was Aerith and Leon. The one in the pink dress, her face lit up at the sight of her friend safe, rushing over to grab her hands.

Though still see through they felt warm. “You are alright. When that strange light appeared we all felt something was wrong...”

Oh right. That was the ruby’s power, it allowed Direheart when she met people to become attune to their hearts and their minds, which allowed her easy access to their memories and feelings for information.

“You really were worried? About me...I’m just a spirit I am not worth-” The look the brunette was giving her said it all.

“i wouldn’t say anymore if I were you”  came the voice of Leon, who was leaning against the railing. “Once she gets that face she means business. Come on let’s take you to see Merlin, with magic like he saw he wants to make sure you can properly contain it”

Direheart sighs.

How foolish she was to think about how no one really cared. Her vision showed that.

Yes what she saw was just a vision, caused by the ruby’s power. but it was what she needed the most.

Now the important question was...

What was this fuzzy feeling she felt at the sound of peoples voices?

[holisticsoulhealer]

Believe in You - A Spiritual Story

As many of you reading this know, I have held a spiritual view for as long as I can remember, and have been more than willing to share that perspective. I have been even more willing to share if it is of service to any of you who were seeking a greater view of yourself.

Here’s the thing………………I didn’t always believe what I knew, because belief was shrouded in the whole “prove it” factor whereas the knowing already knew and there wasn’t any proof that could be uploaded to change that huge knowing. When we need proof because we don’t entirely believe, I’m not sure we don’t stay hungry for more and more and more belief to fill that void. Yet, when we are in a knowing state of being, we require no proof at all - NONE!

I would admit that even with Angels and guides channeling through me, I have doubted and second guessed myself for more years than not, until recently.

Jeff and I were leading an intensive REIKI class. They’ve gotten more intense and shorter. We have been led lately to squeeze truck loads of information into a few short days. PHEW! These days have literally kicked my butt. When you airlift a huge amount of spiritual work up the mountain, you’re forced to climb it yourself, huffing and puffing all the way up. Not only do you watch a person transform right before your eyes, you are on the transformational pathway yourself, with no stop signs or limitations.

We led one intensive with a single person, who was visiting the island of Maui and we all knew she was going to take the whole mountain of information with her, to continue to walk up and grow it from wherever this extraordinary life took her. She came with so many gifts and a belief that was there, just needing a little growing with flow.

On the last and final day, with both joy and sadness, we invited her to flow her energy as a Universal conduit of powerful energy, to work her magic on me. Jeff observed, held space and checked her great work. She did so well, that I was safe enough to leave the room we were physically in, and astral travel to a high frequency very sacred space.

At the head of the table on my plane of profound experience, sat my mum. Any of you who know me, know that I lost my physical mum and bestie almost 2 years ago, and we are very, very close. Although I’ve done lots of work on me, her, and anyone who is willing, I hadn’t made physical contact with her. It had always been more of a metaphysical experience, with words, music, hints that she was around. Some of those hints were huge, bang you over the head with a frying pan obvious, while others were gentler and way more subtle, where I’ve had to pay attention, to know it was her trying to get through a sometimes very cluttered and busy head space.

On this day, she wasn’t in the forefront of my head, and actually nothing in particular was, as I was a tad sleepy, very happy to simply lay on my massage table and let go of being anything. I wasn’t the instructor, or a spiritual teacher, or anything. Instead, I was simply laying on the table face down, feeling supported and relaxed, and of course that’s when it was easier for her to really, really show up. Get me and any beliefs for or against physical contact with my beloved mum, and poof! There she was.

I felt her sitting by my relaxed head, smiling at me. That was a nice vision I could believe was possible. Then something happened that I don’t know has ever happened before in any of my work for me or anyone.

She placed a hand, one hand, with soft fingers that I could feel with every ounce of my physical being, on my arm, letting me know all is well and she loves me forever. I felt it, heard it and experienced it as strongly as though someone were massaging me. It was palpable. It didn’t make me cry. It rocked me to the core of my being in a very good way. It was the greatest confirmation I’ve ever had that we are forever beings and I was touched by my favorite forever being, who I have known all my life.

I said nothing and class completed. That night once I had processed this beyond experience, I shared it with Jeff and he was truly happy for me. She was here and for me there was no mistake. This was an opportunity to believe in me from the greatest viewpoint that could possibly exist throughout time and in the whole Universe.

Thank you mum!

As always, please share this post with anyone that you feel can benefit from it! Please like us on your social media channels and subscribe to our mailing list if you haven't already done so! We are mailing out a monthly newsletter and a recap each week of our blog posts and interesting tidbits! This is how you can stay informed with what is new in the world of The Holistic Soul Healer!!

Love & Blessings,

Ruth

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[minijenn]

Past and Self Reflections

A sequel to Much Needed Comfort

Peridot woke up to a strange sensation.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t the new sensation of waking up in the comfort of Lapis’s arms.  Rather, it was the sensation that she was laying down on a cold, hard surface.  Peridot slowly opened her eyes to properly assess her surroundings.  At first, the Gem technician just thought that she had fallen off the hammock while she was asleep and landed on the barn floor.  However, she was met with a different sight that she was also rather familiar with: space.

Peridot gazed at the twinkling stars in absolute shock and awe.  She looked down to her feet to see that she was standing on a green, glass-like surface.  There was something eerily familiar about the surface, however she put her finger on it.  She then looked around to see that there were what appeared to be five short columns with the same green coloring.  Peridot then peered at what was between two of the middle columns and was shocked.  The blue ocean mixed with the green landscapes was without a shadow of a doubt the planet that the green Gem came to know and love; Earth.

That was when Peridot was starting to realize were she was.  Those weren’t green columns surrounding her, they were fingers.  She wasn’t just standing on a floor, she was standing in the middle of a palm.  In spite of all logic and reason, Peridot was back on the Hand Ship that she took to get to Earth all of those months ago.  This time, the ship appeared to be floating in the Earth’s upper atmosphere; positioned as if it was holding something in the palm of its hand.  While the Gem technician was able to figure out where she was, there was still one other thing on her mind.  How the heck did she go from cuddling with her roommate in their barn to standing on a ship that reminded her too much of her dreaded past.

Peridot would soon get her answer from one of her greatest nightmares. 

The green Gem began to hear a soft sound, which was rather odd consider that she was in space.  The sound seemed to grow louder and louder as time went on, and Peridot was slowing able to make it out.  It sounded like laughter, of all thing, which only confused the Gem technician more.  As the laughter became louder, it seemed like it was resonating all around her.  The laugh was finally loud enough for the green Gem to recognize it.  It was a rather loud, high-pitch laugh that had somehow had a hint of sadism in it.  That was when Peridot’s mind suddenly went blank and her breaths became short and ragged from terror.

“No,” she muttered under her panicked breath.  “No, this can’t be happening!  There’s no way that this is happening!”  The green Gem couldn’t face the one who had shaken her to the core, not again.

“Oh it’s happening, Greenie!” Peridot turned around in absolute horror.  She came face-to-face with a figure that had been burned into her mind.  The single, silted eye seemed to pierce right through her soul.  The bright yellow light emitting from the triangular form was slightly stinging her eyes.  The cane that the demon was holding made her flinch every time it got close to her.  Bill Cipher was just as menacing as she remembered him on that day.  The day that marked her darkest and most embarrassing moment in her entire life.  That’s why it was no surprise when Peridot gave a frightful scream after confronting the dream demon.   

The dream demon only gave a sadistic laugh at the green Gem’s terror.  “Well well well,” the demon said as he floated down to the terrified Gem.  “If it isn’t my good old buddy, Greenie!  Haven’t seen you in a long while!  Not since our last visit, huh?  Man let me tell you, I’ve been around the block for a while now, but you were probably the easiest person to mess with!  And your reaction was just PRICELESS!  You should’ve seen the look on your face when I-“

“STOP!” Peridot shouted at the dream demon.  Just thinking about what Bill did to her in the past just caused her to shiver all over.  She could even bare to hear the demon mention it with such glee.  “Don’t you DARE bring that up again!  You will not hold that over my head forever, and I will no longer be intimidated by you any longer!” she yelled at the sadistic triangle.  Peridot tried her best to put on a brave face against the demon, but her fear was still festering in the back of her mind.

Bill was quiet for a moment, but Peridot could have sworn that he was holding back a snicker.  “Ah whatever, Greenie.  I’m not her to talk about the past, as hilarious as it is!  Tell you what though, I’ll make it up to you!  Here’s a little gift from me!”  With a snap of his fingers, the demon’s “gift” instantly materialized on the Gem technician.  When she looked down, it appeared that there were heavy, metallic cylinders had encased her arms and legs.  Upon closer inspection, Peridot was able to recognize that they had a similar appearance to her old limb enhancers.  The only difference was that the fingers and feet were missing, leaving the green Gem completely unable to move her hands and feet.  Needless to say, Peridot was far from amused with her new constraints.

“You like ‘em, I made them just for you!” the demon gloated.  “These babies will make sure you can’t use those dumb metal tricks that your apparently so proud of.  And they can let me do this!”  The dream demon snapped his fingers again and Peridot’s arms were suddenly pulled to the ground.  She tried to lift herself off the floor, but it appeared that the was magnetized.  Her new constraints were attracted to the magnetizing force, causing the green Gem to remain on her hands and knees in front of Bill.  “Grrr, why are you doing this, you cretin!  Are you just trying to embarrass me for some sick entertainment?!” the Gem technician protested.

“Normally, that would be the case, Greenie,” the sadistic triangle said, folding his arms behind him.  “But this is pure business.  You see, I like to think that it’s my job to wake people up from their sappy little fantasies they sometimes have and get them back on track.  And you got it really bad, Greenie!  What with this whole ‘turning over a new leaf’ garbage!  Why the heck are you trying to change?!”  The green Gem gave the demon a confused look.  “What are you talking about?” she asked.  Bill rolled his eye and wrapped his arm around her.  “I’m talking about how you’re trying to be a goodie-goodie two shoes now!  It’s turning you into a pathetic loser!  I mean, let’s look at how you once were.”

With another snap of the demon’s fingers, a figure suddenly appeared in from of them.  Peridot instantly recognized the figure as how she looked when she was still aligned with Homeworld.  But at the same time, the green Gem had a difficult time recognizing the Gem in front of her.  Standing tall and rigid, the old Peridot towered before her thanks to her limb enhancers.  Her face was cold and unempathetic, betraying no emotion other than indifference.  She looked hard into the clone’s eyes, but could only find a dark, empty void.  While the current Peridot was reflecting on her past appearance, Bill decided to interrupt.

“See, now THIS is someone with potential!  Look at the cold, dead expression in your eyes!  Look at that dedication to the suffering of other just to impress her superiors!  Sure, you were a little rough around the edges, but nothing a little polishing from yours truly wouldn’t solve!  You could’ve gone so far on this pathetic rock!  But now…”  The dream demon poofed the past Peridot away with the flick of a wrist and went in front of the Gem technician.  “You’re just a pathetic weakling!  No authority, no limb enhancers, just another embarrassment that has to stand on her tippy-toes just to reach stuff on the top shelf.  You totally fit in with those Crystal Chumps!”  Peridot felt rather hurt at the demon’s insult to her appearance and physique.  The loss of her limb enhancers had been a rather difficult adjustment for her in the beginning.  Not only were there the physical obstacles very apparent, but she didn’t help but feel somewhat inferior without them.  However, the Gem technician then remembered some words of wisdom that a certain hyper-active girl gave her.  “Mabel said that I’m perfect the way I am,” she stated with resolve.  “And she also said that anyone who thinks otherwise are just a bunch of jerks that don’t deserve my attention!”

Bill paused for a moment before he started bursting out laughing.  “Wait wait wait, you’re telling me that your taking advice from Shooting Star?!  That is the most HILAIOUS thing I’ve heard all day!  Take it from me Greenie, her and the rest of the Pines family are a bunch of shady liars!  They’re all too afraid to voice their actual feelings and opinions about others, so that just put on convincing faces!  Why else do you think Pin Tree is pretending to be so nice to you?!”  Peridot was confused for a moment, but she was finally able to figure out who he was referring to.  “Wait, what do you mean Dipper is pretending to be nice to me?  He’s already forgiven me for what I did for Homeworld, even though I may not deserve it.” she said defending her relationship with the boy.

“Oh really?!” the dream said.  The Gem technician then became rather alarmed when Bill suddenly grew larger.  “Then why don’t we take a look at what he really thought about you when you were trying to redeem yourself!”  The bottom half of the dream demon suddenly cut to static from a screen.  When it cleared, Peridot saw what appeared to be footage of Dipper and Steven in mid conversation down at the Mystery Shack.

“I don’t get it Steven, why do you trust her so much?  You do remember all of those things she did to us, right?!” Dipper said in a frustrated tone.  “Come on Dipper, I know that she did some bad stuff in the past, but she’s really trying to help us with the drill now.  Give her a chance!” Steven defended the green Gem.  The inquisitive boy was getting frustrated now.  “Give her a chance?!  After she tried to kidnap you and the Gems?  After she insulted us time and time again?  After what she did to Lapis?!” Dipper shouted out.

Steven was rather appealed by this exclamation.  “Dipper, that’s not fair!  You know that Peridot didn’t trap Lapis down under the lake, that was Jasper!”  Dipper just gave an aggravated sigh.  “I know that Steven, but that doesn’t excuse her involvement.  She could be the same Peridot that tried to destroy Earth.  The only reason she’s helping us in the first place is because she’s in as much danger from the Cluster as we all are!”  Dipper then turned away from the young Gem and folded his arms.  “When all this stuff with the Cluster is taken care of, I think we should bubble Peridot again.  It’ll be safer that way.”

The young Gem was quiet for a moment, unable to respond to such a terrible plan.  “Wait, what?!  Dipper, we can’t do that to Peridot!  She really is coming around, I know it!  We just have to trust her and I know she’ll-“

“No!” Dipper interrupted Steven.  “I’m tired of being fooled and taken advantage of!  Peridot hasn’t changed, she’s still the same terrible Gem that will stab us in the back when she gets the chance.  And that’s who she’ll always be.”

The screen cut to static and Bill returned to his usual size.  “Yeesh, talk about trust issues, am I right?!” the demon gloated.  “I could just feel the scorn and distrust pouring out of Pine Tree’s mouth!  I guess he really did never have any faith in you, Greenie!  And have a gut feeling that he still has some of those feelings deep inside of him too.  Hatred like that never really just disappears like that.  And to think, you were actually trying so hard to get on those meatsacks’ good side, and Pine Tree still thought that you were a monster!  How does that feel?”  Peridot’s arms were still constraint to the ground, so she couldn’t stop the lone tears that were streaming down her face.  The green Gem had always assumed that Dipper was not as accepting to her as Steven and Mabel was when they were working on the drill.  She didn’t have to read minds to know that the boy was still distrustful of her back then due to past allegiance to Homeworld.  But to now actually hear him say that with such genuine conviction was just too much for the Gem technician.

“But…Lapis told me…” Peridot muttered, trying to recall the conversation she had with the blue Gem a little while ago.  “Yeah, how about we talk about Water Wings,” Bill interrupted the Gem technician.  “And how much of a dumb move it is to actually count on her.”  Peridot was taken aback at the dream demon’s outrageous claim.  “In case you haven’t noticed, Water Wings is a complete coward that only cares about herself.  The second danger gets to close for comfort, she’ll flies away on those puny wings to save her own gemstone!  I bet that if you were in danger and you were reaching out to her for help, all you would see is her back as she’s flying away from you!  Who would be stupid enough to trust anything someone like that says?!  The only time when she actually thinks about someone other than herself is when it involves Pine Tree or Rose Bud.”

Bill then summoned two symbols in engulfed in blue flames in each of his hands; Peridot recognizing them as Rose Quartz’s insignia and the pine tree symbol that was on Dipper’s hat.  “I have big plans to finally show those two where their place is,” the demon stated.  Peridot slightly cringed when Bill slowly crushed the symbols in his hands into nothingness.  “And Water Wings was freaking out when I told her that!  So, I made an offer to back off as long as she promised me a small favor.  She refused of course, but I could definitely see the doubt running through her mind.  All she needs is a little….incentive with making a decision.  That’s the thing about sentimental cowards like Water Wings, they’re just too easy to manipulate…just like a puppet!”

Peridot took a deep breath, something inside the Gem technician’s mind finally snapped.  She didn’t know whether it was from the threat Bill made to the boy, the unnecessary soiling of Lapis’s good character or just Bill’s carefree attitude about this in general.  Peridot only had one thought going through her mind: She had enough.  “Listen closely,” the green Gem mutter before converting to angry yell.  “I will not let you talk bad about me, Dipper, Steven and ESPECIALLY Lapis anymore.  I do NOT need my limb enhancers to feel like I’m powerful and confident about my self-image!  I do NOT need to be shown what Dipper USED to think about me, because I know that he has forgiven me now!  And I do not need you spilling out constant lies about Lapis!  She does care about me along with Dipper and Steven and I know that she would never take a deal with the likes of you!  So how about you do something useful, and leave me alone.  YOU CLOD!!!”  Silence filled the air as Peridot finally finished her tangent.  The green Gem couldn’t help but feel a sense of low-key satisfaction from what she just told the dream demon.  However, that feeling soon dissipated as she saw Bill float down to her.  He did not look amused.

“Well, I bet you feel clever about insulting me like did to Yellow, Greenie.” The demon said in a cold tone.  “Fortunately for you, she was halfway across the universe when you did.  Why don’t show you what really happens when you speak up against your betters.”  But Peridot could even think, Bill struck her in the face with the back of his hand.  A sharp burning was felt across the Gem technician’s cheek.  And because her arms were still constrained, she couldn’t caress her injury to ease the pain.  The stinging was so bad, new tears start to emerge from the green Gem’s eyes.  “Bet that brings up some good memories from back on Homeworld, huh?  You may think that you’re strong now, but I think you just have to be reminded about what you really are.  A lousy peon who can’t take orders even to save her sorry existence!”  Bill then floated away from the Gem he just struck.

“Well it’s been fun Greenie, but I have other matters to attend to.  I don’t think someone as pathetic as you deserves more of my time of day.  So just remember to think about what I told you now, before it’s too late and I have to do something drastic!  I’ll be keeping eye on you, so don’t be getting any crazy ideas about ‘acceptances’ or ‘strength’!  See you later!”  Bill Cipher then emitted a bright flash and he was gone.  Peridot thought it was over until she felt the ground tremble.  The fingers of the Hand Ship began to rise into the air and close in on her.  The Hand Ship was slowly balling up into a fist, leaving the Gem technician to be crushed in the middle.  Her metal constraints were still firmly attached to the floor, leaving the green Gem no chance of escape.

The only thing she could do was scream at her oncoming demise.

Peridot was shrieking uncontrollably as she was struggling to free herself from the tight grasp she was in.  The green Gem did everything from kicking to thrashing, trying to free herself from Bill’s hold.  After a full minute of this, she was finally calm enough to hear the voice talking to her.

“Peridot!  PERIDOT!  Calm down, it’s just me!” Peridot heard as she was suddenly turned around face her captor.  However, instead of facing the one-eyed demon, she was looking into the soft, gentle eyes of Lapis.  The green Gem quickly scan the room to confirm that she was still in the hammock in the barn.  She then looked back to Lapis and noticed the shock and worry in her face.  “Peridot, what happen?!  Why were you screaming?!  Are you hurt?!”  Lapis then lifted her hand to caress the green Gem’s check, only for her to wince in pain.  Peridot could still feel the sting from when Bill struck her.  The memories of the encounter were flooding back into her mind with excessive details.  Peridot then couldn’t stop herself from suddenly giving the blue Gem a tight hug.

“Lapis!” she cried out.  The Gem technician was starting to uncontrollably sob.  “I’m sorry!  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner!  Bill came to me in a dream!  He said things that really scared me!  He reminded me of what he did to me a month ago!  I didn’t tell you because…because…” Peridot couldn’t finish as she broke down into tears.  Peridot just cried for a minute before she felt Lapis gently rubbing her back, which calmed her down.  “It’s okay, Peridot.” The blue Gem whispered.

“You’re safe now.  You safe with me now.”

[achemicalembrace]

Hey kids, 

Just throwing this out into the void, because sometimes that’s just what you need to do, and if anyone feels like reading, they’ll get a clue as to where I am with life at the moment. 

So I’m finally once and for all really beginning to acknowledge my own mental illness. I think for a while now (like we’re talking a year or two) I’ve been lying to myself and telling myself that I’m really ok and that I’m handling things ok, but in the last couple of months things have come to a point where I’m not holding up so well anymore. 

I guess now that I’m acknowledging it, I’m beginning to realize just how sick I really am and have been. Like existing, take a lot of effort. This by no means means that I have any desire of ceasing to exist, I’m just expressing that it’s really hard to do in this world. After all, existing is just about all I have, so it’s something I would really like to keep doing, I just would like to get back to a point of feeling like me again and feeling period. 

So I’m in the process of taking steps to address this. I’ve taken advantage of the university counseling center and they have given me some really good referrals and I have some appointments coming up that I am actually excited about because it just might mean starting to get a handle on my life again, which would be nice. 

I guess what I’m realizing is just how much the process of grad school has wrecked me. Like it has beat me up mercilessly over the past 5 years, and I’m still not done. I think earlier in this experience, I would tell myself that my mental state was simply a product of crappy circumstances, and that when I was done with this chapter, I would go back to being better. I think that is partially true. I think the stresses of grad school have caused me a lot of mental anguish, but I am not necessarily certain that what comes afterwards will be any less stressful or demanding, and that’s honestly a bit unfortunate. Like is this the world we were promised? But that’s another topic for another day. What’s important is that I’m setting up a support system now to try and help me finish this chapter of my life and prepare for what does come after. 

That’s another thing that’s been driving me wild with anxiety. I’m 27 years old and I still basically have no clue of what I really want to be doing with my life, and I’m not even sure what I’m really even capable of because grad school has lowered my self worth to a point where I’m basically unrecognizable. I don’t feel capable of doing anything. I think I’ve delayed trying to answer the question of what I want to do with my life for the better part of the last decade by filling it up with higher education. And now that I’m reaching the threshold at which I have to ante up and make some big kid decisions on that front, I’m honestly scared shitless. I’m watching people I started grad school with come to the finish line and find jobs and move away, and that’s a terrifying process to watch. For high school and college everyone starts and ends together. You do your eight semesters side by side and you all transition together. Grad school is entirely different because everyone is on a different schedule, and no one finishes the same time anymore. It’s very easy to feel like you’re falling behind or not keeping pace when other people are moving on and it’s feels like you’re standing still. Talk about anxiety inducing. My newest affirmation is to remind myself that this and life in general is not a race. I’m doing things at my pace and I’m the one in control, and I can take whatever path I want at whatever rate. I will say time and again that I think the biggest lie our generation was told is that there is only one linear track to success and happiness, because the reality of adulthood is that there is not. And it’s a myth that I still struggle with and I think a lot of us do. Many of us did all the right things to get where we were supposed to go. We studied hard, we took all the honors classes, we made the dean’s list, we joined all the clubs. But that’s really just a recipe for feeling inadequate and exhausted when things don’t *poof* magically line up for you after doing all that. I did all that and I know I’m not happy. I think that’s the case for many of us too, even if we aren’t admitting it. 

I guess I envy the people who’ve known what they always wanted to be or had the guts to go and make their dreams happen. I’m just not really sure what it is I want to be doing for the rest of forever. And that’s perhaps in many ways clouded by my own depression and not seeing much meaning in anything let alone a career. A lot of what we do as humans feels very futile. I would just like to find a sliver of happiness and comfortability, and right now in this world even that feels unattainable. I’m still holding out hope though. That’s one thing I’ll never give up.  

P.S. If anyone wants to discuss any of this or their own battles, I would actually really like that. I think the hardest part of this is sometimes feeling like you’re fighting all on your own and that no one else could possibly understand how shitty it can be in your head sometimes. And honestly just those stories of solidarity, of camaraderie in the face of battle would be immensely helpful to hear at this point. 

[her-royal-pearlconess]

In the Dark

Written for an event on SU Amino.

(Warning: AU content)

  It was dark.

  A kind of darkness that only made Zircon feel worse. Being the only light in your own darkness - it only felt like another crushing responsibility that she could either give up on and be hurt by, or try at it and get hurt anyway.

  She stood still in this void, taking time to process everything.

  She concluded that there was no point in trying to regenerate. She'd just have to sit here and wait until she felt herself breaking into hundreds of tiny fragments. To her, it was inevitable.

  It seemed to have been an hour that Zircon spent, motionless, braced for the last pain she'd ever have to feel.

  But it never came.

  She considered several times trying to reform, but fear overcame the thought.

  If she wasn't shattered, she could only wonder why.

  Was she still moving through scanners and conveyors, yet to be harvested? Did Blue Diamond still want her alive? Yellow, after all, had no right to shatter her, only her own Diamond could.

   "No. Don't get hopeful."

  What if the trial was still in session? Had the Diamonds decided to take Rose Quartz - or whatever it was that they'd brought here - into their own hands? They had to have seen the thing's confusion, and though Yellow Diamond seemed keen to shatter Rose, Zircon didn't perceive White and Blue as the type to rush through something like this. Zircon might've just been bubbled until they could sort it out.

  With these possibilities in mind, Zircon decided that she needed to prepare a form, in case she really was more okay than she'd thought.

  She stood up, and though there was no surface, she saw a reflection.

  The same clothing, everything intact. She saw in this reflection her hood, her monocle, and her gem, though she knew each of these were simply previews of what she would look like, the things themselves somewhere else. The same place she was, but far away, where she wouldn't find them until she reformed. Sure enough, when she placed a hand on her head, she felt her untidy hair, soft, but completely unnecessary. She could see clear, untinted black from both eyes, and though it was rather unsettling, nothing more than a rectangular indent where her gem would be.

  Nothing was different, not like it ever had been those few other times Zircon found herself here. Things like Rubies or Obsidians causing accidents when she was out collecting evidence, small dangers.

  This time, she had no idea what was happening outside, and it shook her. Just how many things could be happening, and whether she really wanted to know was a mystery.

  She looked deep into the eyes of her illusory reflection, wondering why she'd done this to herself.

  They wouldn't have hurt her if she hadn't done anything. If she'd ignored all the “I don't know”s and other questionable things that ‘Rose Quartz’ had said, if she'd just carried on with the small thing she had whipped up in the first place, if she'd done exactly what she did every day before this one, if she'd gone by the plan.

  Zircon never did like to set herself apart. She already knew she was just a bit unusual, but she had always thought that if she tried to ignore that, she'd be okay. She'd fit right in.

  What made her do it? What made her take the biggest possible step away from society that she could? Why had she chosen to reject the ‘truth' she'd known her entire life? Was it the feeling she got, seeing something acting so helpless? The deeper she thought, the more she realized: not only did it make no sense, it seemed almost unfair. Yellow Diamond had been ready to execute even before Zircon had a chance to speak. Before ‘Rose' had shown any evidence that it really was her. The harder Zircon thought about it, the more she repeated it, the clearer it became that Rose's new form wasn't just a disguise.

  Zircon stopped abruptly.

   "Stop feeding yourself this nonsense."

  It was as if simply being trapped here with no one but herself was eating away at her and infecting her with chaotic feelings.

   "I'm not necessarily a rebel."

  But there was a good ninety percent chance she was. Her freedom was a prison, and she wanted to leave.

  As she now paced around the endless void, more and more possibilities occurred to Zircon. Had she been placed in an object, doomed to a life of forced and relentless service? Had she been imprisoned, waiting for a trial of her own?

  Then it wasn't just her own fate she was concerned with.

  If just one Gem would care, it was going to be 7XU. Zircon felt a sharp pang at the thought of 7XU left forever wondering what exactly happened to - she told Zircon never to tell any of the others this - her favorite Zircon. Not just out of her cut, but out of every one of them. It hurt to think of the pain 7XU would feel if she heard the words “7XL is shattered.”

  Zircon couldn't keep thinking about this. Searching for a less depressing train of thought, it had to have been a while since she'd considered time. At the very least, it'd been several hours.

  She decided it was time to give regeneration a try.

  For a moment, she felt it. Slowly escaping the clutches of her own being, light spreading around her.

  Then it stopped.

  She reverted to the little prototype inside her mind. She had minimal space outside, which she chose to find reassuring.

     Zircon spent the next few hours entertaining her previous ideas, occasionally thinking of new ones, and every so often attempting once again to reform.

  Every time brought the same result, a moment of freedom before she was pushed down again.

  Zircon felt that it had been about 6 hours. An even fourth of the day just made sense.

  Wherever she was, no one outside was in any rush to move her.

  After a few more minutes in silent, lonesome thought, Zircon was hit with a sudden urge to escape. Like a little indicator screen, but this time, rather than telling her about her next assignment or when to arrive somewhere, it told her in a font size too large to fit:

 GET OUT.

  So she tried again. She reached out, hoping to touch reality. She looked down to see the rest of her holographic self disappearing.

   "It's working!"

  She was really free this time.

  Whether that was a good thing, she was about to see for herself.

  It was a relief for Zircon to feel an airflow again, she was still very much alive. She kept her eyes closed as she fell and met the hard ground, too afraid of what she might see.

  The floor below felt warm. Something about this caused Zircon’s eyes to shoot open, she felt a desperate need to know where she was.

  The first thing she saw was a Gem. A good foot taller than her, this Gem was pink in skin tone, had black hair in a poofed-up square shape, and wore a light visor.

  They both gasped at the sight of each other, Zircon fell back, just barely able to catch herself.

  And there she was, on floor of a brightly lit room, surrounded by a swarm of bubbled Gems, facing someone she'd one day know as someone like her. Someone who took the road less traveled.

  And it made all the difference.

[shirokappa]

Undertone, Chapter Two: Too Late

(Third POV)

Sans sat on his bed and played the trombone he'd been keeping around. It was something he had since his younger days. Occasionally, he'd pop outside of his room for a bit and play it loudly. Of course, this upset Papyrus, who always seemed to be experiencing something unfortunate. Sans, being himself, would always play three descending notes on his trombone just to make the situation comical. Papyrus would often rant on how Sans needed to get rid of the old trombone and move onto other instruments. Unlike Sans, who stuck to one instrument and loved it, Papyrus would move from different instruments AND music. One day, he'd be all for country and the next, he'd enjoy pop. Sans felt that it was nice to have variety, but also insisted that sticking with one thing isn't bad. He claimed it just meant that you're devoted enough to stand by it.

Sans always had his trademark blue headphones on. On both headphones were a black music note, a quaver. Papyrus opens the door and walks in the room. Sans stops playing and looks to where Papyrus walked in. Papyrus was wearing a costume that Sans had made for him when he was younger. Since Papyrus was such a music lover, Sans went and made Papyrus a sort of suit that showed that interest of his. Papyrus always called it his "battle body". The big torso piece was yellow with a black treble clef on it. He was still wearing that white scarf with the black music sheet pattern.

"ARE YOU STILL PLAYING THAT THING!?" Papyrus asks.

"well, it's been quiet for so long," Sans says, "almost as if the entire town is gone,"

"SANS, YOU'VE HAD THAT THING FOREVER!" Papyrus says,"YOU HAVE MOVE ON TO OTHER THINGS!"

"i know that you're vast in your 'musical interest' and all, but i like this thing too much to see it go,"

Papyrus sighs, defeated.

"HEY, ABOUT THE HUMAN EARLIER, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEM?"

"i dunno paps, remember that lady you introduced me to behind that door?"

"OF COURSE, WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"well, after that human showed up, i haven't heard her voice...you think...you think something might have happened?"

"SHE'S GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN CHAT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF A HUMONGOUS DOOR," Papyrus says,"YOU'RE JUST WORRYING TOO MUCH,"

"i hope you're right..."

-88- (Sans' POV)

I stopped by Grillby's to see what he was up to. There was this stool in the right corner of the restaurant near the jukebox he had that he'd often sit on and play that brown acoustic guitar of his when everyone had their orders. As I walk through the door, Grillby is already sitting in that same spot of his. I could tell because he only played that guitar when he was sitting on that stool. I noticed that the Dogs, that strange bunny creature, and the others weren't there anymore. Everything seemed..different, quiet. I manage to feel my way around, sit in the seat closest to Grillby, and listen as he continues to sound out peaceful tunes. They were slower than normal, as if he was slightly discouraged to play. He strums one final time on his guitar.

"Oh...hello, Sans," Grillby says,"Anything...bringing you here?"

"nah, i just wanted to relax for a bit," I answer tiredly.

"Only one person came by today...a human..." He says,"They...didn't appreciate my music,"

"did...they do anything?"

"Well, nothing besides a very cold stare. It was very uncomfortable,"

"i couldn't tell, but i think i got the same response. they just walked right on past me,"

"...You know, Sans, I...think that human was heading in Papyrus' direction,"

I stand up a bit straighter than before, my attention grabbed.

"do you know where they are?" I asked, slightly more concerned.

"The edge of Snowdin...I think," Grilly said with a shrug.

"thanks, grillby," I say, getting out of my seat.

"Just...keep the music going, Sans," Grillby says, playing his guitar again.

I turn down the music on my headphones and hear voices coming from my left as soon as I step out of Grillby's. Heading down in that direction, they get clearer.

"WORRY NOT! I, PAPYRUS...WILL GLADLY BE YOUR FRIEND AND TUTOR!"

That was Papyrus' voice for sure. It was loud, like always. I could only assume he was speaking to the human from earlier. To be honest, I would've been lying if I said that there wasn't anything...off about them. I walk a bit faster, worry filling me.

"I, PAPYRUS, WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS!"

The footsteps I heard were slow and heavy. I couldn't see what was going on, but I...felt like things were going to go horribly wrong if I didn't do anything. I broke off into a run to get there in time.

"PAPYRUS, WAIT!" I yelled.

SLASH

"W-WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I EXPECTED..."

The sound of a form disintegrating fills the air. Something heavy hits the ground.

"BUT...ST...STILL! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" Papyrus says,"YOU CAN DO A LITTLE BETTER! EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO! I...I PROMISE..."

Crunch

"n-no..."

I heard the sound of something shattering. Bones. Then, the sound of something poofing to dust sounds out again.

"please...please no..."

People say that when you witness the death of someone you care about, it feels as if a piece of your being has been taken away.

"no...no, no no!"

That part you held onto for so long isn't there anymore and it's as if nothing is ever going to fill that empty void.

"PAPYRUS!"

But what I felt just then...there were no words for what I was feeling right now. It was just a big cluster of negative emotions that came all at once. It felt suffocating. Time practically stopped for me. I could hear the sound of footsteps heading farther off into the distance. Running forward, I step on something. As I pick it up, I realize that it's Papyrus' scarf.

"papyrus...i'm sorry,"

I should've been there...I should've payed closer attention. It's my fault. All of it...I bury my face in Papyrus' scarf, sobbing.

"i'm so sorry..."