#TRAILERS THAY BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD

[houndfaker]

GOOD MORNING AGAIN PERSONA FUCKING 3

[weebsinstash]

Anyways so I found a werewolf audio book that's so bad I had to share it with you guys which is a shame because the young female narrator actually does a competent job

So our victim today is Back and Better by NighttShadee and, in the beginning, I had high hopes. It sounded like this was a revenge/glow-up story, and the opening was compelling enough. (tw for nonconsensual acts like forced kissing and like forced marking, suicide, bullying, etc)

This is a really long post, I'm mostly just describing the story and cringing and bitching lol. And when I say long like I basically go into the events that happen over 14 chapters lmao 💀 this shit got me MAAAAAD (plus an actually good recommendation at the very end for a story I actually really liked and found surprisingly high quality for the platform c:)

Amira Warner is 15 (already i am super uncomfortable with the protag being this young), being bullied by her pack and schoolmates, including the pack's alpha's son, Erebus (and you always know some bullshit will happen when they have these dumbass names). They all just call her stupid and weak and fat and a slut and just straight up a cunt, didnt expect to get audibly slapped with the c word on a youtube ad trailer but whatever, and her brother is also one of the bullies, but her parents never do anything because they're literally never home because they travel for work or take constant vacations, idk, but Amira also uhhh makes no effort to tell them what's going on. She blames them for not being around to support her which is valid but she also literally quite literally never even tells them anything whatsoever, that she's being bullied OR that her brother is involved

Like literally, she introduces herself narratively as "my name is Amira Warner, im 15, turning 16 tomorrow, im the bitch of the red river pack, I am beaten and verbally abused every single day". And of course Erebus is her main bully and it is specifically said he is the MAIN ONE WHO BEATS HER

So anyways Amira attempts suicide, and while she's bleeding out, she's discovered by three young boys who are her same age, and they basically give her emergency medical care, and adopt her into their pack since one of them is the future alpha of their pack and he can just do that (lucky her). And there's 3 of them, brothers, but only one of them matters: the future Alpha, Damon. So they're gonna adopt her into their pack right, but before that Amira is gonna head home, grab some of her things, leave a note for her parents, and then leave in the morning on her 16th birthday which is also the day she's supposed to awaken as a wolf, but also, she prays to the moon goddess that, if her mate is in this pack, the pack that abused her, thay she won't feel the pull of the mate bond, and can find a second chance mate elsewhere

Moon Goddess said bet IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE but we get to that later and also yeah she meets the moon goddess, just straight up converses with God multiple times, it's kind of stupid and I actually genuinely hate the moon goddess as a character. The moon goddess makes her promise she's never going to hurt herself again but then knowingly gives her a toxic mate?

So anyways it's her birthday and on top of awakening as a wolf, today is also the day she's supposed to find her mate and 🙄 of course it's Erebus. He waltzes straight up to her after smelling her scent, all "mine" but luckily, Moon Goddess is a G and Amira feels nothing from the mate bond. Absolutely nothing. So she tells him to go fuck himself straight to his face while he's bewildered she's not absolutely tripping over him like he feels for her, and she even outright tells him he is one of the biggest reasons she tried to commit suicide the day before. And after years of bullying her and telling her shit like her only purpose is to be weak and abused, suddenly this bitch is crying actual tears, "Amira no, please, no no no I'm so sorry I love you 🥺" like fucking Bakugo over here giving less than shit when it's too late like actually kys bro

She literally laughs in his fucking face when he's visibly upset she says she doesn't want to be his mate. Queen. She literally says "that sucks alpha, that is really unfortunate" and drives away from him lmaooooo (also who wrote this, we don't let 15 year olds drive??? Yeah this is technically on her 16th birthday but she wouldn't have a license, maybe a learners permit, and that still requires an adult present)

So she leaves and meets the three boys again and they adopt Amira into their pack but also their family and for the next about two years she's literally raised as their sibling, remember, they're all 15/16, right. So anyways after she's rescued, it turns out, oh boy she's a super extra duper special WHITE WOLF who is super extra strong and pretty and also fucking Aang for some reason? She deadass has elements and weather control and it's written in a very cheesy uh Wattpadesque way and also despite being a victim of bullying she kind of lowkey instantly becomes a bitch upon finding out she's a white wolf, and I don't mean "getting back at those who doubted me" I mean like "since she's one of the strongest wolves it's her job to train other wolves from her new pack and she constantly verbally berates them and calls them ladies and little girls and basically acts like a pick me the second she holds the smallest crumb of authority, talking down to grown men just because she's physically stronger than them" like its very jarring to go from her attempting suicide to, chapter 3 is an 18 month time skip where she's immediately treating other people who don't even really know her in a similarly bully-like way (btw the 18 month time skip meaning she is now 17 1/2 which is important because I think she may actually still be a minor when creepy stuff happens later...)

Anyways, theres been a lot of packs being attacked by rogues which in my opinion are the lucky ones because they're the ones who aren't in packs but it's framed as them being outcasts and criminals but when you consider how dangerously close pack dynamics veer into outright cult behavior like, it makes you rethink things. So Amira is told "since our pack is the biggest and strongest, we're sending people out to help train up the other weaker packs" and just guess where her new adoptive Alpha father is knowingly and intentionally sending her back :) and when she rightfully brings up "hey uh you're literally sending me back to the people who made me try to kill myself not even like 2 years after it happened" and he's just like "I know I'm sorry sweetie it's a real cowabummer :( but ya gotta cause, for the greater good or something, I dunno, do what I say lol, you wont be gone long" and there's a line about how she respects his rank as her alpha enough to obey him even though she doesn't want to do this and I really gotta say, it bothers me how everyone tells her it's valid she's upset but still expects her to go. They even later acknowledge, well, maybe we SHOULD HAVE just sent an Alpha from another pack instead, since this place holds trauma for you, and it's like YEAH SHE'S FUCKING 17, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE

Just. Grr! This girl is SURROUNDED by toxicity and it only gets worse

So Amira and her brothers Damon, Jason, and Derek all go back to her old pack, and it helps since they very close sibling relationship, they all have physical play fights and wrestling that is very sibling-like but it does get kind of cheesy and stupid sometimes. Like chasing her down to tickle her because she ate all the brownies she baked herself without sharing any? Or hiding snacks? And uh of course they find a way to make this gross too, which we cover later

I also wanna point out, as someone relistening as we speak, she emphasizes that being a white wolf means "i have a banging body and a hot face" and its just like, what so you turned 16 and after your first shift your body was instantly different? While you're still technically a kid btw, just instant convenient glow up? It would've been better to say she toned up after being able to shift and train with her new family but this story is pretty uh, weird and cringey at times, like bending over backwards to say what a #girlboss she is when she really barely did anything or did something objectively shitty

. Like, she goes to train the adults, and a 22 year old asks why she only gives commands but never spars herself, and yeah he's slightly mean like "oh she's just 17, I could probably beat her" and how does she respond? During the fight she tells him "say uncle and I'll stop" while twisting his arm and he says nothing so she just BREAKS HIS ARM and it's played off as, oh its fine he's a wolf he'll heal, but then she's like "someone call a medic, we have a LADY down" like at this point during my first listening I was seriously confused on how I was supposed to relate and empathize with such an unlikable protagonist? Like girl you were literally called misogynistic slurs and you upgraded to beating up grown men and calling them women like, you internalized that shit, not conquered it 🙄 also a lot of these werewolf stories, not just this one, kind of seem to gloss over "oh yeah we're more rowdy and violent and show pda more and it's not uncommon to accidentally find people fucking in the woods but that's our culture cause we're wolves lol 🤪" really because you all have science and medicine and your own forms of government and half of you are using smartphones and driving Lamborghinis so I feel that, let's be blunt, the sheer debauchery and barbarianism is an active choice and they're kind of just the equivalent of people who run around doing blatantly archaic and cruel shit under the guise of "but.... but tradition tho? 🥺"

Also, because it's happening again, really cannot emphasize how they keep complimenting her body and eventually even outright talk about sex clubs and bondage before she's sven 18. Like sorry I don't want to hear about how this 17 year old is "5'5 with a DD cup and a flat stomach but a big ass" yeah and I'm sure she has a magic thigh gap too 🙄 like in hindsight they deliberately keep her a minor so she's still going to high school for plot convenience but then they put her in REALLY gross and creepy situations. Like as I'm listening to this again I'm double checking and mentions of time passing to see if she's even 18 by the time. Creepy stuff happens.

So when she's going to the Red River Pack, Amira's friend Samantha starts to ask "so you really can't feel the mate bond?" To which Amira replies "no unless he marks me which isn't going to happen" which, forced mating isn't new for these stories but im always very cautious of stories that bring this up because it can be. Skeezy if not properly handled. So. Hypothetical strike 1?

When Amira and the others get back to her old pack and Erebus sees her again, he's still all "mine" and she just brushes it off and tries to talk about training, when Amira's original blood brother shows up and she blows him off too, which, good for her in both regards. So since Damon is "the alpha of alphas", when he says "hey can we actually see our rooms now" erebus shuts up and settles down, and starts showing them around. Amira and Samantha break off to do some shopping before they start school the next day, and they happen to see Erebus buying flowers, which Amira assumes is for his girlfriend. Nope, he sees her walking to her car and is all "can we talk 🥺" and she's like "yeah, at training tomorrow, about strategy :)" and he's just so MOPEY, and saying "I've CHANGED" to which Amira replies, kinda cringe, "and I shit rainbows" and walks away

(Also as a side note I'd like to mention how extremely common it is for the main characters in these stories or side surrounding characters to be like cheesy tropes and it's explicitly said that Damon is a multi billionaire and Amira is "at about half of his networth" from receiving inheritance after she left the pack from her grandma and also money from training wolves but like that would also make her a billionaire??? But her family being extremely wealthy would make sense for why her parents travel to the point of abandoning her, but its just a little much. In fact i dont think you can legally touch inheritance money until youre 18)

So anyways she gets into another stupid play fight with her brothers because she created a snack stash with her own money but didn't share, and Erebus sees her using magic to mess with them, so now he's discovered "oh shit, my mate is a white wolf?"

So like, there are these concepts of these people acting more feral like when it comes to their mates, and she's rejected him, but not like, officially right? Like in a lot of these stories, you can officially break the matebond by verbally declaring something like "I Rhiannon Michael's reject you Nathan Thorn as my chosen mate" and it, severs it? Like a magic cancellation, albeit with negative consequences. So Amira goads Erebus and says "doesn't it suck knowing you couldve had a white wolf as your mate?" To which Damon adds "yeah, now she gets a second chance mate and you just have a forever broken mate bond. I bet your pack will die out"

(A lot of these stories have concepts of "the alphas strength is the whole packs strength, they're the strongest with their true mate", so I assume this is what it means. Also, hhhh kinda lowkey gives me story ideas for a yandere werewolf or whatever who not only wants to but HAS TO keep his squirmy reluctant little human mate because his pack is literally stronger with her there)

But anyways Erebus' definitely mature adult response to this is "you're getting a second chance mate? NO! You're MINE" and CHARGES at her, but with a flick of her hand she knocks him away with a wind shield and mocks him saying she's going to choose another hot sexy alpha over him, but then, chooses to physically approach him, to which he grabs her, spins around, and is straddling her in the ground 🙄 there is an increasing feeling of wariness and uncomfortableness as Erebus nips at her earlobe while growling "mine" and Amira admits to it being pleasurable because, im sitting here thinking, why from a narrative standpoint would you include this detail, that at least physically it feels good to have this forced unwanted touch, from a man whos bullied a girl into suicide, what is the intent here, and i quickly reached a theory and felt a pit open up in my stomach. Red flag number 2. And then when Amira attempts to knock him off with her powers? Nothing happens, and Erebus giddily exclaims that a white wolf can't use their powers while their mate is touching them and wants to will them away

MAJOR RED FLAG. So the inherent powers she has in her own body can be forcibly stopped by someone else in a story about her trying to have her own autonomy and freedom? And she's being forced down by a man she's rejected and made her miserable and cannot use her own powers to get him off of her while he's beginning to basically assault her? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG and then she just, like, briefly overpowers him, and is all "hah, I don't need powers to fight you! Right brothers? Let's go eat chips lmao" like not even joking it just abruptly ends like that, they just leave Erebus to go eat snacks and the next chapter (5) starts

So, chapter 5, Amira, her 3 brothers, and Samantha are all eating breakfast in the packhouse when her brother walks in, and, wouldn't you know, calls for their parents. And Amira is like, "oh, why would fake mom and dad be here? They're always gone?" But sure enough, in walk her parents, with a fucking two month old baby. Like. Its not properly addressed in the story itself so I just really want to rage that these people literally had their daughter attempt suicide and literally leave a note for them telling them she's running away to a new family and never wants to see them ever again and they just??? REPLACED HER??? It is COMPLETELY glossed over and not addressed AT ALL. Did they even MOURN HER? And of course the baby is a girl, NAMED MIRA. THEY REPLACED HER. THEY REALLY FULL ON DEADASS REPLACED HER AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.

Like it is not addressed at all. Amira isn't even mad they have another baby besides hoping they don't do the same thing to it that they did to her? Like sorry in some hypothetical scenario where I found out my daughter tried to kill herself partially because of her brother, my son, and she ran away saying I wasn't her family and she wanted nothing to do with me ever again, I think I would hesirate to just immediately spit out another baby after pretty obviously failing my first two attempts? What quiverfull bullshit is this?

But Amira just walks up to them and is all "what I went through drove me to suicide, so love this little girl and give her everything you have, give her all the love you never gave me" but also like uh, you would think her parents would be like emotional and sobbing upon seeing her again and their reactions are more just, very muted and I think that may just be this author being kind of. Shit lmao. The mom just repeats how Amira addressed herself as someone else's daughter but, the conversation is interrupted because Mira is crying hysterically (vaguely implied because Amiras mom isn't very good at, momming) and, ugh, it's emphasized how immediately Mira becomes so calm that she falls asleep upon being in Amira's arms and that "I already feel so much love for this little girl, my little Mira" like she's literally crying tears holding this baby, and my uncomfortable feelings increase because literally the very second this happened I said aloud "oh god are they going to kill off her parents and make her raise her own sister just to show how sweet and motherly she is" and uh. :| well. Anyways Amira immediately asserts that she's going to be constantly visiting to check in on her little sister, and at this point I groan because I realize the little sister is a plot device so that Amira doesn't have the option of just finishing this training stuff and then never coming back to Red River. But anyways she demands her parents show her how to make Mira's formula and the story makes a point of showing how Amira is becoming increasingly reluctant to "stay mad" at her family, which uh would be the only reasonable reaction to be perfectly honest. But since Amira's hands are busy feeding Mira, which is only something she's insisting on doing, her parents are still right here the whole time, she turns to her brothers and asks which one of then is going to feed her, and of course Erebus walks in while Jason is spoonfeeding her pancakes

IMMEDIATELY "MINE, the only man feeding you should be me, you're mine!

"Jason is my brother??? Leave before I set you on fire, there's a BABY here."

So anyways Amira is leaving and there's this stupid part where they make it obvious that Mira prefers Amira over her own birthmother, sobbing the second her mother takes her back, and at this point I'm convinced they're killing off the parents, but, it transitions into a conversation where she deliberately pisses off Erebus on purpose by saying "maybe I'll fool around with someone" to which he bangs a fist on the desk "no you WONT fool around with a man that's not me 😤" and Amira retorts "I can fool around with anyone I want, because I'm hot as fuck, and you have no power over me" nd I'm thinking, good for her, albeit she's still 17 so, like, don't have her have sex at all maybe? And she retorts to him "go mark a pack slut"

And Erebus gets offended by this, but the ACTUAL red flag is DAMON'S reaction, which is "Erebus, hurt my sister and I'll kill you, Amira, fool around with a man I don't approve of, and I'll MAKE YOU WATCH AS I BREAK EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY. Understand?"

Oh, so, you mean to tell me that the brother figure who saved her from dying who has only known her for two years is also beginning to show signs of being possessive and controlling towards her in a potentially not platonic way? Ok. Ok. Red flag. Red flag for sure. Like genuinely the reason I'm going into so much detail is the sheer layers upon layers of ways Amira gets fucked over and betrayed. Also to take her out of the room, he threw her over his shoulder and carried her out? And she says if it wasn't for her real brother Brendan that Damon would be the worst brother ever, to which Brendan who literally used to beat her comes up all hurt like "w was I really that bad of a big bro🥺" to which Amira replies the title of the chapter, 1438, the amount of times her brother physically put his hands on her. She literally begins reciting the figures on how many wounds left marks, how many wounds left scars, and I remember listening to this scene and thinking, "you had the dedication or perhaps spite to keep mental track of all your injuries to the point of counting them but you never sought help from any adult whatsoever????"

But Brendan is legitimately crying and saying he's full of regret and that his parents get on him every day, but Amira just says "fuck you, if we weren't blood I would beat you senseless and light you on fire" and also the father waits until like the very end of this conversation to say "you hit her over 1400 times?" And Amira leaves with her new brothers while her father starts scolding her old brother

So at this point we're thinking, good for Amira, she's starting to really show Erebus and her old family up huh? She's showing everyone how much she doesn't need them and how she's moved on. This is exactly what I want from "you made me try to kill myself stories so now I want either revenge or nothing to do with you" stories.

SO IMAGINE MY ABSOLUTE PAIN AND DEVASTATION WHEN CHAPTER 6 OPENS WITH

EREBUS' POV

LITERALLY i was listening to this story while working and I went, out loud, "NOOOOO THAT MEANS HE'S THE MALE LEAD, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS". So I try to form a protective mental barrier of denial. Maybe they're just showing his POV to rub his nose in how he's fucked up and give us the audience satisfaction? After dropping this story, I actually found another story that did that, that had POVs for both the new and old boyfriend and would cut to the old one to show him scheming, so, when this chapter came along, I was DEVASTATED but tried to think, hey, this, this isn't immediately game over, right?

Wrong

So the chapter starts from Erebus' point of view starting off from him walking in on Amira being fed and his internal monolog is as creepy as you would expect "oh my perfect mate, when I'm near her, I just want to hug her, kiss her, tie her down, and fuck her until she's mine" (again, she's still 17 at this point, I know I keep saying it but, not a big fan of the constant sexualization of a minor in what's supposed to be a female empowerment story?) . And or course his dumb ass internal thoughts are about how he's changed as a person, he reprimands other people for bullying, but he's also told everyone in the pack that Amira is his mate even though she already told him no. And then he has this internal thought process of "no, just mark her by force so she feels the bond. But that would be cheating. We have to do this the right way" but like uh him saying it's wrong does not undo the fact he's even considering forcing her, which, well, later on---

(Also lmao ms 5'5 DD cup huge ass flat tummy Amira is also described as having 'a tiny waist' like girl cmon)

Should I also mention we only have a female narrator so, she also does the men, so, that can be a little. Awkward lol. She has a decent range but, it's still "girl making her voice deeper to try and be a dude". I think she does a good job, simply mentioning, there are other stories with multiple VAs, which I'm getting to later, but, I figured I would mention how the story sounds besides the writing quality itself

Anyways uh Erebus overhears Amira's brothers talking about him, and one of them is like, do you think Amira will ever forgive Erebus, and Damon deadass responds "not sure, if she does I'd be highly apprehensive, but he really seems he regrets his actions, so if she chooses to give him a chance, I'll be there for her" ummmmm the fuck? How would you fucking know? Who are you to even say it seems like Erebus has regrets? And does him having regrets somehow magically undo what he did? It's the fact this is Damon who is Amira's number 1 supporter saying this, that Erebus would vaguely deserve some sort of chance after what he did? And of course Erebus hears all this and says "see she's gonna give me another chance, I believe in the mate bond"

Also if there's an official statement to break the mate bond why didn't Amira just say it instead of insulting him and running off. Like. Red flag.

Erebus witnesses another sibling tickle fight and keeps internally calling her his mate, which is gross, and, oh no anime trope, she was running away and tripped right into him and stumbled them both right over 🥺👉👈 and Damon scoops her up, mocking him and thanking him for catching his sister and saying at least hes good for something. And Erebus, full simp mode, says "as long as I get a chance to hold her, that's fine" and like Damon has a visible sympathetic reaction, gross, and Erebus is all "I hope he hears the sincerity in my voice uwu"

So. Gosh, I know I've written so much at this point, so I may skip some scenes, or only mention footnotes until significant events, but we haven't even come NEAR the PEAK BULLSHIT that happens later

-she confronts her old class again and is all edgy and stupid about it tbh. "Before you all made me slit my wrists, but now I'm here to train this pathetic pack" ok edge lord some of them may have just been minding their own business. The entire classroom calls her "Luna" which is the Alpha's mate and top pack female

-Erebus pushes her up against a wall, you're mine, I love you, and she just replies, oh that must be a shitty feeling, loving someone who will never love you back. Queen. She gets away from getting out of his grip and threatening to burn him and then invites him for a formal fight behind the packhouse after school

-she for some reason was going to go meet him alone? Her brothers only came with after they found out

-she verbally acknowledges she can't hurt him as her mate, but doesn't formally reject him so he, you know, isn't her mate anymore? Like girl you have a solution to the problem?

-"the old me you knew died when she slit her wrists" cringe

-she gets him struck by lightning and gives a dramatic speech telling him dtuff like she tortures without a second thought and he wouldn't want her as his mate since she'd kill him in his sleep and as she's walking away SHE'S CRYING "BECAUSE IT HURTS TO DO THIS TO HER ALPHA WHO CARES ABOUT HIS PACK, AT THE END OF THE DAY HE'S STILL MY MATE AND IT MAKES ME SAD TO HURT HIM" GIRL YOU FUCKING LOSER, TF, genuinely hated this bitch at this point, imagine getting beaten daily for years and years and then just forgiving that and even loving that person. Vomit vomit vomit

-Amira decides the pack is too weak to be trained by her just yet and she doesnt want to stay in the pack house, so she's going to go to a hotel, and also tells all this to her brothers and Erebus, and also to stop telling the pack to call her Luna. Erebus says no, just because he doesn't want her staying in a hotel, not even her not wanting to train them yet, because 'she's his mate and he wants her close to protect her, and the pack calls you Luna because you're my queen and my everything and we WILL be together and mate" gross gross gross

-Amira tells him straight up she'd rather die than be marked by him yet doesn't reject him officially

-Erebus basically threatens to hold her in captivity on suicide watch and mark her without her consent "if she doesn't accept me in the near future"

-white wolves have natural strong maternal feelings which is stupid :/ I thought this was a bad bitch story, fuck them kids, she's still a kid herself, gross

-Erebus sees her helping this little girl Ariel who fucked up her ankle while playing and climbing a tree and he says this gross ass comment like "you're going to be the perfect mother to our pups" 🤮🤮🤮🤮

-Amira tells Ariel's parents not to call her Luna and for some reason this makes them sad? Shouldn't they respect how she feels? She isn't Erebus' mate officially, and then he strolls in trying to emotionally manipulate her by saying she's "breaking their hearts"

-"I used to care about breaking hearts until I cut my wrists from my own heart being broken" and you wanna think yeah bitch you tell him

Or so you would think, right? Except no, ot instantly transitions into describing how he managed to shower and is looking oh so handsome and sexy in a tight shirt that shows his muscles through it AND THIS BITCH ACTUALLY SAYS "OH HE'S SO HOT, I WOULD FOOL AROUND WITH HIM IF IT WASNT FOR OUR HISTORY, ACTUALLY I MIGHT WIND UP DOING THAT ANYWAYS" LIKE, HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT

By this point (speaking in past tense of my first listen, refreshing my memory on second go around) I am incredibly uncomfortable with the framing of this story as it feels almost definitive that Erebus is going to be forgiven and eventually rewarded with Amira, which, no, that's not why I read these stories, and you definitely are going to get on a lot of bad sides having a genuinely awful guy continue to be awful but be only slightly nicer and then never have to face consequences for his past

- Erebus insists that even if she doesn't feel the mate bond, she'll start to be attracted to him, he's, quote, "known as something of a sex god" even though he should realistically only be 17 or 18 years old, so, cap, little boy

-the depictions of Erebus touching her nonconsensually, like holding her down or pinning her against walls, starts to become increasingly fetishized. He corners her and basically tells her his preferred method of punishment is overstimulation and, she's a 17 year old virgin. she thinks this is all hot by the way and thinks "anything that happens between us would merely be fooling around" so its like oh great now you're repeatedly entertaining thoughts and admitting to yourself you find him "incredibly sexy"

So, chapter 9 right. The chapter is called "mate" and something about the simplicity and topic makes me think, oh shit, is this 'it'? 👀 are we here?

Amira's adoptive dad decides to send more Alphas to help Amira with the weaklings. Amira officially moves her things out of the pack house to stay at her fancy hotel in a royal suite "that's basically like an apartment", and she goes to eat at the restaurant at the hotel because, the other Alphas being sent over are also at her exact same hotel and, why not meet them? And upon entering the restaurant, she smells something and she feels this voice I side herself say MATE and she worries, shit, is Erebus here?

"And I look around in a panic, and Erebus is here BUT THATS NOT WHAT I WAS SMELLING"

AT THIS POINT IM HOLLERING, YES FINALLY WE'RE REPLACING THIS BITCH EREBUS, SECOND CHANCE MATE LET'S GO. It's another Alpha, Christian of the Oak Wood pack, and "holy fuck the mate pull is strong" so she's instantly dickmatized, like instantly feeling goo-goo over him. And he adores her and they start making up, which of course makes Erebus mad. And Christian says outright, "you don't deserve her, she's mine" so he obviously knows the story between them? But Amira and him are all doe eyed and she even sits on his lap after he pulls her close, but, y'all you're in a public restaurant... ew.....

So Erebus is sitting there glowering for the rest of the meal until Christian's men leave them alone for privacy, and this bitter bitch really says "let's cut the shit, white wolves are known for having more than one mate,and are known for being shared song them, the way I see it, you and I will have to share" and Amira snorts because that's absolutely fucking stupid and Christian is. Dead silent. "For several minutes"?

And then

This

Absolute little cunt of a man

Just says straight up

"I HONESTLY DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT"

The fuck? The FUCK? DID YOU NOT JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THE WHOLE SUICIDE THING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM?

But then this bitch, this bitch CONTINUES, "BUT I SUPPOSE YOU ARE CORRECT, I AM FINE WITH SHARING, IF THAT IS WHAT THE MOON GODDESS CHOSE"

screaming crying pissing throwing objects violently howling at the moon as I rage 'WHAT ABOUT WHAT AMIRA FUCKING WANTS', like girl throw the whole goddamn man away, he literally INSTANTLY ruined this and he JUST got here. this moron literally says "I can tell we were meant to share you, and I don't fuck with fate, I can tell he's different from the man who bullied you" oh so you know him better than his victim c: you know her pain? She should forgive it because he's magically changed but not really? And she should just BE SHARED? C: drink bleach

Oh and Christian is an 18 year old high school senior so he's transferring to Amira's school so basically every aspect of her life is being smothered with one of these prices.

Amira, literally, overhears Erebus and Christian talking in the school library about how "she's bound to come around, but if it isn't in the next few days, we may have to forcefully mark her"

So like, they're basically scheming to rape her. Ok. Let's not mince it. They are scheming to force upon her an act that will nonconsensually and permanantly alter how her brain and feelings and even her biology functions and basically force her to have feelings for them against her will. This is basically the kind of thing I would write, but the difference is I write stalker fetish porn and not, stories legitimately marketed as romance that's supposed to, like, idk, frame the guys as good, desirable people. They plot about even hiring witches to enchant restraints like handcuffs and ropes, and they're talking about things in such scary serious detail it's obvious they plan on doing this for real. And then they sense her outside the library and she tries to run, but of course she gets caught by Erebus :/ she has to "suppress the shiver that threatens to go down her spine" when he nibbles her ear and goes down to where her mate mark would be, gross, and "let's out a moan that's not completely forced" to lure him into false security for her to escape and create a barrier with magic, and oh, she suddenly remembers, she had a magical werewolf mindlink with her brothers, duh? All werewolves have mindlinks

Erebus is all "Amira we're your MATES, we're here to love amd care about you, but you have to LET US" this is like genuine fucking delusional yandere levels of denial and lack of accountability like, the Oscar goes to these men for the ability to act like they ain't the ones acting like total rapist nightmare creeps that she shouldn't have immediately called the werewolf police on

Anywaya, so in the past I was thinking, ok, ok, this has got to be, like, a red herring, right? How Erebus is so terrible and then Christian is immediately a piece of shit too? They just said several mates earlier, so, maybe she chooses number three? Is there a number three?

Mate number three is her fucking brother Damon and they all find out when he appears to rescue her. NUMBER THREE IS HER FUCKING ADOPTIVE FOUND FAMILY BROTHER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SOURCE OF SAFETY AND TRUST AND SUPPORT FOR HER AND HE WAS BASICALLY ALWAYS IN LOVE WITH HER AND WAS ONLY PRETENDING TO LOVE HER AS A SIBLING AND ALL THOSE TIMES HE WAS ROUGHHOUSING AND SHE THOUGHT HE WAS BEING A PLATONIC BRO? NO HE WAS FEELING HIS ALPHA URGES. CARRYING HER WHENEVER SHE WAS SICK OR TIRED? ACTING ON HIS PROTECTIVE URGES OUT OF ROMANTIC LOVE.

But OH NO, they don't immediately know it's him, Erebus and Christian start freaking out and when Amira says "that's bullshit, I would feel the mate bond otherwise", Damon is just like "well, I know something I could do that might kickstart it if its there but you'll probably hate me for this" and suddenly kisses her without asking and thats how it is confirmed, yeah, he's number 3 and she likes kissing him, until she's panting afterwards 😩

-he carries her off into her car and there's this whole "no don't carry me k can walk, don't buckle my seat belt im an adult" "no Amira you're my mate and rhat involves giving this relationship my all, and that includes carrying you, protecting you, and fucking you--" she's still 17 and you were her "brother" just 5 minutes ago dude. But she gets horny from this 🙄 and. He can smell it.

-conversation about how she's a virgin who's never even masturbated, instantly transition to "he cups my pussy through my pants" YO SHE'S STILL 17 THO???

-Damon booked a suite down the hall from hers at her hotel 🙄 she instantly starts to hook up with him, UNTIL HE SUDDENLY MARKS HER WITHOUT ASKING, AND SHE LITERALLY SCREAMS NO. She says that he knew she wasn't ready and she was too much of her own person to be marked yet and this stupid bastard replies "no you ARE ready, I KNOW you're ready" ok you freak, you've technically known her for not even two years. You know her better than she knows herself? You know her so well it entitles you to break such an intense intimate personal boundary???

So now she's marked by him, against her will, and he's confident in his decision, and, like, it lowkey reads as a horror film because he transitions into how he knows she's scared but he's going to love and protect her but like he basically just MARKED HER SOUL without even a warning? It's like? That's rape dude? There's no glossing over that? You just changed an extremely huge part of her autonomy, bodily, emotionally, psychologically, against her will, and you're just telling her to chill because you love her and she's initially in love with you?

For a woman's empowerment story Amira sure keeps meeting men she is supposed to love and trust who bring some sort of unspeakable betrayal or harm upon her and it only gets worse.

-he marked her but they didnt have sex, awkward transition to two days later

-they're cuddling when Damon gets hard and randomly starts talking about how much he loves his women helpless, he loves bondage and overstimulation and how seeing a girl writhe in denial and overstimulation

-she's turned on, she's deciding you know what, after dinner I'm gonna fuck this man after we got out to dinner. She is INFATUATED with this guy, can't even focus on her food. She does this weird, seductive licking and sucking vanilla ice cream off her lips and fingers since she figures he's already paid the bill so it doesn't matter if he embarrasses them both by carrying her out which he does

But anyways so, they dont have sex again but its the next day, we're moving on to another really uncomfortable plot point. Damon pulls Amira aside and says "hey, with female wolves with multiple mates, when you're marked by one, you go crazy with the urge to mate wirh the others" ok pause, so because he marked her against her will, she is now magically horny for erebus and Christian where she wasn't before, and now they're magically going crazy because they can sense she's been marked and they ""need" to mark her now? This is so fucked up and unfair, where is her CHOICE, why is she a side character in her own story???

so, I don't really like any of these options, but out of the three, at least Damon will protect her from those that try to harm her, right?

WRONG

This

Little

Absolute

Cunt

Says

"YEAH NOW THAT I'M YOUR MATE, I ALSO SHARE A SORT OF BOND WITH CHRISTIAN AND EREBUS, OF RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING, AND I NO LONGER WANT TO STOP THEM BEING WITH YOU"

psycho. Absolute freak. Marks her by force, and then says he's going to share her with the guy who pushed her to suicide, like DAMON WAS THE ONE WHO literally found her dying, and another guy she's already rejected. So. The betrayals really do keep adding up don't they? Like it's really unsettling how no one is truly in Amira's corner?

So she stands up and says "fuck you" because she feels hurt and betrayed by him, and there's this, extremelt cringey exchange, really genuinely cringey is the only word I can use, so she's trying to walk away from him, he grabs her from behind, lightly squeezes her throat, and says "you WILL calm down or I will take you home and punish you and you would NOT like my punishments. Don't forget I am a Dominant and you are my Submissive" like 🤮🤮🤮 ok Christian Gray wannabe bitch go fys

Amd Amira gets out of his grip and is rightfully enraged he'd threaten her and says he better watch out because she can pray to the moon goddess to remove their bond, and he just like, isn't even listening to her, and he says, "oh that's another thing we'll have to work out, you'll be a Sub to three Alpha Doms" and she's like "what" and casually he's like "yeah we're actually pretty popular at some of the CLUBS around here as famous Doms"

Oh, so. Let me. Let me run this back. Her three mates are her childhood bully who verbally belittled her and also horribly beat her, some new prick she doesn't even know who is totally fine sharing with the bully and is also totally fine with forcing her, and her adoptive brother of two years who doesn't care about sharing either and has already marked her by force, and all three of them have also been running around performing as Dominants at sex clubs at a professional level to the point of being known as, quote, the best Doms out there, the most experienced? That's an enormous turn off for me actually! Y'all are seniors in high school acting as Doms? Is that even legal? Wow, I sure would feel great to know that all 3 of the mates forcing themselves onto me and saying I don't get a choice have already ran through countless other women!

Oh and then her birth parents die. I'm serious, theres like a two mimute transition between Damon saying they'll share to her hearing her parents are dying. They got into a car accident. Her mom dies first and the mate bond weakens and takes her father soon after, so now, just as I predicted, she now has custody of Mira and she furthers her role as a plot device

-she's dumb enough to answer the hotel room door without double checking and all three men force their way into her room with groceries and stuff, to 'help her', separating her from Mira, and they immediately start talking about gags and ropes, and sure enough they brought restraints and she's sitting there with a ball gag talking about how they've restraint proofed the entire hotel suite "wherever we go we can tie her up, even in the shower"

This is straight up fucking yandere bullshit. And she kind of jokingly says "oh they're Dominants, so being restrained is something I guess I'll have to get used to, oh wait I'm not accepting them what am I saying tee hee" girl what the actual fuck this is NOT the time for this.

So while she's gagged, she's basically mentally recounting how to formally reject a mate bond. It will recede on her end, but the mates will still feel ot "and also become crazy possessive, but they're already possessive anyways" so why does canceling the mate bond basically not have any negative consequences. So the second her gag is removed, she verbally rejects them all at once, and they physically collapse to their knees in pain

Um. So. Rejecting Damon apparently doesn't count because the Moon Goddess has to accept your rejection if you're already marked? And Christian says "I reject your rejection" and what does he do? MARKS HER BY FORCE. AND THEN SO DOES EREBUS. AND THEY KNOW MARKING HER BY FORCE WILL CAUSE HER BODY SIGNIFICANT PAIN BUT THEY DO IT ANYWAYS. She literally passes out from the strain of two forced marks.

So at this point its like, how could this get any worse?

How about God herself personally making it worse?

The Moon Goddess herself winds up appearing in a flash of light before Amira and the three men and basically, God, how do I even describe this weird ass fucking conversation. She's acting all holy and motherly and wants to hold Mira and talks to Amira like a mom and then she turns to the men and then, just barely sternly chastises them, saying they completely ignored Amira's consent, and "im going to give you all another chance, but hurt her again and I'll give her entirely new mates"

So. So. So. Ok. Ok. Even though Amira already rejected them though? Like I thought only Damon needed your approval? Christian and Erebus marked her by force after she already rejected them? Did her rejecting them not even matter? Does she have any power or agency at all? Hey, blue fairy bitch, she already told them no and their response was to force themselves on her, so why is your response, oh, I'LL give you another chance. Bitch it's not your choice? The fuck? Also they already proved they're scum? What the fuck? So now even GOD is willing to sell her out? The fuck? The fuck?

So first listen in, at this point I'm obviously incensed, I'm thinking, ok, surely some weird bullshit is going on here, maybe one or two or three of them die or she rejects them all in the end anyways, so I say, fuck it, and skip to like, the third ti last chapter

"Me, Damon, Erebus, and Christian all sat together in the diner--"

Throwing my goddamn phone out the window. Fuck this story man. Fuck these characters, fuck how she literally only had one real friend this entire story (Samantha), fuck how her agency snd choice was constantly taken away from her, just, fuck it all, this was genuinely like a horror story, like genuinely made me uncomfortable to listen to, like I was audibly saying "but that's like rape? That's basically rape? What the fuck?"

So in better news, on the same app that this story is on, DreameFm, is a much better story I listened to and would recommend :) it's The Perfect Luna and you can listen to the first 3 chapters here here and here, (oh you can go straight to downloading the app where the rest have to be bought with coins). It's got some 36 or something chapters which I find a pretty decent length and I think the quality of the story and the voice acting is really good!

It follows the story of Alpha and Luna Riannon Thorne as the story begins with her being killed by her cheating husband's lover and being sent back in time to try and do everything all over again! After she's sent back in time, she can't talk to or use her wolf at all and has to rely on her wits and knowledge of the future to navigate through her second lifetime, but as she starts doing things differently, she finds a much different outcome than before. The voice acting is pretty good, although the lady does change at chapter 26 which is a little jarring since it's more than halfway over at that point but I still found the story worth continuing. The male voice actor, I think there may be two, are also dedicated, and i think you guys may like some of the villains like the evil Fox King who even has his own harem ;) definitely a palette cleanser for the awful awful whiplash that Back and Better gave me 🤮 bluh. Definitely a good girl power listen uwu

[danortizdigital]

Creative Review 07

Here’s a quick look back at the Creative happenings and hot topics of the week.

#CreativeReview is a one-stop cheat sheet of everything that happened this week in the digital media world - it’s a weekly summary for creatives, written by creatives and it’s a free/quick read with no registration and we won’t add you to some annoying list that’s impossible to unsubscribe to promise.

Trailer Beat

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

Paramount Pictures/In theaters, August 2

Seth Rogen, John Cena, Paul Rudd, Jackie Chan & others

After years of being sheltered from the human world, the Turtle brothers set out to win the hearts of New Yorkers and be accepted as normal teenagers through heroic acts. Their new friend April O’Neil helps them take on a mysterious crime syndicate, but they soon get in over their heads when an army of mutants is unleashed upon them.

Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan - The Final Season Amazon Prime Video, June 30

John Krasinski is back for The Final Season of Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan.

Black Mirror: Season 6 Netflix, June 15

The sixth season of Netflix's tech-horror anthology series returns in black, with a hint of red! The sixth season of Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror returns with 5 new stories he calls, "the most unpredictable, unclassifiable and unexpected season yet."

Barbie Warner Bros. Pictures/In theaters, July 21 Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, Issa Rae, America Ferrera, Kate McKinnon, Dua Lipa

To live in Barbie Land is to be a perfect being in a perfect place. Unless you have a full-on existential crisis. Or you’re a Ken.

Shameless Marketing Nerd plug: the trailer is a "shoppable" YouTube video stuffed with Barbie merchandise.

Avengers: Wes Anderson Edition

What would Avengers be like if it was a Wes Anderson movie?

Written by ChatGPT and realized by Synthetic Screen.

Social Media Tips & Resources

Free 14-Day Content Calendar for Music Artists

June Feature: #TheSoundofPride 2023

As an agency that has had the esteemed privilege to partner with cutting-edge musical acts, we are incredibly passionate about music. And so, for our annual #TheSoundofPride playlist, we're doing things a little different than in years past as this year we're creating our usual #TheSoundofPride playlist celebrating global artists that amplify queer voices and provide the community with the floor-fillers and anthemic songs that soundtrack our summers and beyond.

And in addition to our main playlist, we're also shining a light on "Pop Rising," emerging queer and queer-friendly artists pushing for inclusion and musical globalization who should be on your radar.

#TheSoundofPride 2K23 #TheSoundofPride Pop Rising

Global Creative Spotlight

Tillamook “BLOCK JAMS” VOLUME TWO

Tillamook reunites hungry listeners with Vol. 2 of their cheesy “Block Jams” out of agency 72andsunny. The fun-in-the-sun edition includes catchy tunes like “Waves of Flavor”, “Cheese By The Slice”, and other earworms to leave you “absolutely melted”.

Spotify: Have You Heard?

When Spotify wanted to bring their promise of 100 million songs to Kenya, they enlisted a large cast, a dynamic wardrobe and sets, and a healthy helping of street-cool humor to announce their arrival.

Creative Agency: Machine

The Experimental

BBDO Bangkok collaborated with the Thai Health Promotion Foundation to create this “Experimental” campaign warning Thais of the emerging health risks of e-cigarettes, which are gaining popularity among youths with their contemporary appearance and selection of appealing odors and flavors.

The information which was presented in research that was published by the Korean Society of Toxicology has shown E-cigarette toxicity affects brain cognitive memory functions and inflammatory responses in mice.

[absolutebl]

This Week In BL

May 2021 Wk 2

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Lovely Writer Ep 12 fin - that was a long arse final ep, but solid performances. I liked that we focused on the fallout amongst the side characters. (Very clever of them to depict Chap with Tae, his Y-Destiny pairing. Especially as both actors are slated for new BL roles with different partners again, The Tuxedo and You’re My Sky.) The camera certainly enjoyed wallowing in Sib & Gene’s separation, but that’s an Asian drama for you. They like to DWELL. (Frankly, I like a bit of wallowing myself.) I thought the inclusion of the “actual” writer at the very end thoroughly unnecessary. I don’t think they had to beat us over the head with the 4th wall meta quite that much. Still, this is probably one of the best BLs we’re getting from non-GMMtV Thailand this year. RECOMMENDED 

Y-Destiny Ep 8 - (Thurs) I found the first half uninteresting but once Casper the Friendly Gay showed up it was fine. The ghost reminded me a bit of Fuse from MIR. 

Close Friend Ep 4: (Just One Life) - is it just me or is Talay insanely charismatic? Anygay, the director got ahold of a drone for this one and would like us to KNOW ABOUT THAT FACT. Look, I just don’t think YoonLay have great chemistry but this was alright, cute enough. 

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 6 - This was a better installment than we’ve had in a while. I like the obsession vs love explanation from Mork, insightful if creepy. Meen & Duean are okay, I guess. A bit annoying. Everyone in this show is a bit annoying. But the wipe toothpaste then wipe eye crud got to me. Toothpaste in the eye, yech! And then I was all, oh that’s basically this show: toothpaste in the eye. It just reviewed itself. (Also why do they keep switching aspect ratio between the two pairs? It’s like they were filming with two completely different camera types... oh. ah. Weird, GMMTV usually doesn’t make mistakes like that.) 

Call it What You Want Ep 6 fin - I skipped to the last ep on this, I told you I do that sometimes to find out what happened. So CIWYW ends happy for the main couple, but trigger warnings on: eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, depression, mental abuse, and a few other things. If you don’t mind your BL dark, gritty, self aware, and honest then you should be okay with this show. But if your preference is for fluff, then there are other fish in the sky. Speaking of... 

Nitiman Ep 2 - Giving me My Engineer vibes. This is OLD school Thai uni BL. I kinda feel like it was meant to come out in 2018, the gap year that was, but I am SO GRATEFUL we’re getting it now. Pay TF attention FUTS this is how you redeem a tsundere uke. Also I love that Bboom is just a terrible flirt and the football match twist was great. I love this show.  

Top Secret Together Ep 1 - it’s out there but no eng subs. It’s an office set romance with multiple couples all tangential to one building. A bit stilted and low production values but I’m intrigued. I hope we get subs... eventually.  

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 9 - gets the safe sex gold star for lube + condoms AND a verse discussion? Not to mention asking for sex advice from queer fam? Is this a first in BL? Might be. (I still think it’s weird that product placement hasn’t jumped on the lube bandwagon, too slippery perhaps?) I like the embezzlement drama. I always enjoy good outside conflict playing to setting, and this is the kind to be easily resolved in next week’s finale. What a roller coster this series has been. 

Papa & Daddy (Taiwan) Ep 5 - I LOVE THIS SHOW. A heartbeat after i thought, “they better address what he’s doing to the girls he’s dating,” they did it. Clever scripting that. The messaging is gorgeous, the idea that pride and media coverage and knowing about a changing world can broaden minds and lead to acceptance was basically Taiwan making a case for itself paving the way for marriage equality in Asia. Genius. 

Most Peaceful Place 2 (Vietnam) Ep 1 (AKA 4) - dropped with subs and improved production values, someone is learning (or got more dough). The younger brother’s drama is a bit confusing, but I am here for cute boyfriends being cute boyfriends together. And I love that they took the seme’s previous pair (from Nation’s Brother) to be the faen fatale, very crafty of them. Even though it’s not a trope I like, there’s great chemistry all around. 

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 6 - I weirdly love this show, okay? I’m just hoping Long has known Minh’s secret all along and is playing a reverse long con cat & mouse game, waiting for Minh to tell him the truth. Because that would be THE BEST. I could do without the faen fatale but ya can’t have everything. (I’m so glad it’s not the standard 6 ep arc, MOAR!!!) 

Gossip 

Rumor is GMMTV Thailand started shooting Baker Boys (here’s the teaser trailer). This is a remake of Antique (AKA Antique Bakery) a 2008 Korean movie (you can watch it on Viki) which is a remake of Antique (a 2001 Japanese series) with is an adaptation of wildly popular manga Antique Bakery. Knowing the plot I’m not sure this will qualify as BL. I’m still predicting Lee gets his first gay kiss in this series from Singto. More details about this series here. 

Breaking News

Love Area release pushed out, reportedly due to C19. (source DramaCool) 

Be Love In House: I Do (Taiwan, of course, with that title) got a new softer trailer (no subs). It drops next week, May 19, 2021 on Viki. All the information I have is here. 

Tangential to BL 

Two BL-adjacent shows, both from Taiwan. 

I’m watching Love is Science? on Viki which has a het foundation, but it’s a good one. There’s a BL side couple who are on an enemies to lovers slow burn trajectory; featuring a disaster bi slut meets elegant bad ass super gay. So there’s THAT. The mains are an older career woman and the sweet boy from her distant past who has pined for her for years. (He is the softest sweetest service sub you ever saw.) Props to Taiwan for a seriously underused het dynamic. As usual in Asian rom coms the straight boy love interest is a Perfect Cinnamon Role (yes I’m looking at you True Beauty & Love O2O) but I find Taiwan’s version more palatable than Korea’s or Mainland China’s. It’s not finished yet but... RECOMMENDED. 

Starting this week is Love Outlet a 50 (?!) episode show about a mall that sells relationships. It is supposed to have a main gay romance, but it might be a side dish. Very little else known about it. Coming to Line TV.

Honestly, I’m at the point where if Taiwan makes it, I’ll probably watch it. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons.

Starting:

Be Loved In House: I Do (Taiwan) 

Golden Blood (Thailand) we think, like Love Area this may be delayed due to surging C19 cases 

Love Outlet (Taiwan) we think 

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

[deja-you]

times new roman | episode four

t. jefferson x reader

summary: Y/n needs a date. Thomas would be more than happy to oblige.

trailer | previous | next

Groaning, Y/n slapped her phone onto the kitchen counter face down. She was in no mood to deal with Charles, Jefferson, or anyone else who felt the need to reply to her I-want-a-boyfriend Twitter ad. It was a joke. Mostly. Unless one of the Hollywood Chrises wanted to message her. Then it was real. But neither Hemsworth or Pine had found their way into her DMs, so it was just a joke. 

The handle on the apartment door jiggled and Y/n edged closer to the wooden block where the knives were kept (this was New York, you could never be too careful). She quietly released a sigh of relief when the door opened and it was just Peggy rushing in to their shared apartment. Peggy looked like she had ran all the way back: her curly hair was in a mess of a ponytail, her makeup looked a little sweaty, and she was slightly out of breath.

“Alright. Y/n, tell me everything.”

Y/n was a little taken aback by Peggy’s urgency. “Whoa, there. You haven’t even set down your purse yet. This addiction to gossip is getting a little out of hand.”

Peggy only rolled her eyes. “I didn’t run all this way to hear you lecture me, Y/n. Just tell me what’s going on with you and Daddy Jefferson.”

If Y/n had been drinking something at that moment, she would’ve had a spit-take. 

“What did you just say?!”

“You heard me.”

Y/n made a face. “Please never ever say that again.”

“I’m just teasin’. That is, unless you’re into that kind of thing. Jefferson is older, isn’t he?” Peggy pointed out.

“Margarita Schuyler, I swear--”

“But I guess you’ve always had a good relationship with your dad, and daddy kinks are usually reserved for girls with daddy issues, right?” She continued.

“I don’t think it works quite like that.”

Peggy rolled her eyes. “I’m getting off-topic, aren’t I? Anyway, tell me everything that’s happened between you and Jefferson.”

“There’s not much to tell.” Y/n shrugged.

“Not much to tell, other than the extremely flirtatious tweets you two have been exchanging?”

“I wouldn’t call it extremely flirtatious. Look, we’ve just been messaging back and forth since I tweeted about wanting a boyfriend -- which was a joke, by the way. I ran into him at dad’s office earlier, but nothing happened.”

“You ran into him today?” Peggy nearly squealed in excitement. “I wouldn’t call that nothing. So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across a crowded room like in some cheesy Hallmark movie?”

“No. Charles was bothering me, so he let me hang out in his office until dad had finished up a meeting.”

“And?”

Y/n narrowed her eyes. “And what?”

“Well did anything happen?”

“Nothing happened.”

“So you’re telling me,” Peggy said, “that you exchange flirty tweets and then end up alone in an office with Mr. I’m-hotter-than-than-the-sun Jefferson, and nothing happened?”

Y/n couldn’t help but laugh at Peggy’s dramatics. “Nothing happened, Pegs. Sorry to disappoint.”

“I am disappointed. But it’s okay. You’ll see Jefferson at the company gala again. The two of you will fall in love, get married, have the most adorable children, and I’ll get to be fun aunt Peggy!”

“Whoa, there. Don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself? We barely know each other,” Y/n protested.

“I don’t know why you’re fighting this. You and Jefferson have chemistry. And besides, if I haven’t mentioned it before, he’s so very attractive.”

“You’ve mentioned it. In fact, you can’t stop mentioning it. Don’t get your hopes up, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Peggy waved her off and apparently ignored her last statement. “Whatever you want to keep telling yourself. Anyway, what do you want for dinner? I’m craving some Thai food.”

“Please remind me why I woke up early on my day-off to go get coffee with you?”

Peggy rolled her eyes and held open the door to her favorite coffee shop, it had been a couple days since Y/n’s run in with Jefferson. “Y/n, babe, every day is your day-off when you’re the heiress to George Washington’s fortune. You don’t even need to work a day in your life.”

“But I’m going to work because I want to. I didn’t go through four years of college just to live off my family fortune,” Y/n grumbled, but any prior grumpiness seemed to melt away when the smell of freshly poured coffee beans hit her nose.

“Oh right, forgot you actually want to make the world a better place or whatever,” Peggy rolled her eyes and proceeded to order two coffees at the counter.

“Is trying to make the world a better place a bad thing, now?”

Peggy glanced at Y/n and considered it for a second. “No, I suppose not. A little cliché and unoriginal, but I wouldn’t consider it a bad thing.”

“Whatever. Find us a seat, okay? I’ll grab our drinks when they’re ready.”

Y/n waited in the corner of the cafe between the wall and the counter, absentmindedly tapping her foot along to the beat of some catchy Jack Johnson song that Y/n was 90% sure was featured in a Curious George film. The drinks were ready before the song ended, and Y/n offered the barista a quiet ‘thank you’ as she took the cups over to where Peggy had found seats. 

The coffee was still hot and would’ve surely burned Y/n if she had spilled it on herself, which she nearly did when she saw who was sitting across from Peggy. 

Peggy sat with her ankles crossed and a grin on her face while she casually carried on a conversation with the one and only Thomas Jefferson. He wore a more casual outfit today, dark pants, a tucked white shirt (which of course, fit him perfectly), and a black coat that looked like it costed more than two months of Y/n’s rent -- and that was saying something, seeing as Y/n lived in New York City. 

Neither Jefferson nor Peggy had noticed her approach them, and for a second Y/n considered bolting out the cafe door and finding somewhere to hide. But Y/n Washington was an adult, running away from her problems wasn’t a solution. Right? 

“Oh, good. I was about to come find you,” Peggy said, acknowledging Y/n’s presence.

Y/n silently cursed her indecision and forced a polite smile onto her face. “Here’s your coffee, Pegs. I wasn’t aware we were meeting Mr. Jefferson here.”

Thomas had a smug smile on his face that gave Y/n a strange feeling in her gut (it wasn’t butterflies, Y/n refused to believe it was butterflies), and raised one of his eyebrows. “Aw, angel, you don’t sound too happy to see me.”

“It’s just that I didn’t realize you’d added ‘stalking your boss’s daughter’ to your list of hobbies,” Y/n shrugged, regaining her composure.

Thomas chuckled a little and shook his head. “What? I’m not allowed to stop in to my favorite coffee shop now?”

And as if to prove his point, Thomas sent a charming grin and a wave to the barista working at the counter. She grinned, a little too wide for Y/n’s liking, and happily waved back. Y/n rolled her eyes. 

“Relax, Y/n,” Peggy urged. “I invited Thomas to come sit with us. We were just talking about what a small world it is.”

“Too small for my liking.” Y/n eyed Thomas warily and finally took the vacant seat between Peggy and Thomas. She glanced at Peggy, processing what her friend had just said. “Since when do you call him Thomas?”

“Most people call me Thomas, angel. You’re the only one who insists on callin’ me Mr. Jefferson. Even after I gave you other options.” Thomas sent Y/n a playful wink. 

Peggy lifted her coffee to her lips to hide the smile she wore watching the scene unfold. Y/n opened her mouth to say something, then abruptly closed her mouth. She could feel her face heating up, and hopefully Thomas couldn’t tell how flustered he made her, but the wolfish grin on his face told her otherwise.

Thomas watched her for a moment, then let his gaze fall on Peggy. “Of course, I can leave now if y’all want. I don’t mind.”

Peggy was urgently shaking her head before Y/n could say anything. “No, no, stay! Y/n doesn’t mind.”

Y/n sent Peggy a look that very clearly read ‘yes, I do mind.’

“That’s swell,” Jefferson grinned.

“Who even uses the word ‘swell’ anymore?” Y/n crossed her arms. 

“Y/n! Don’t be--”

Peggy was interrupted when her phone began buzzing on the table. She apologized briefly to both Jefferson and Y/n before stepping outside to take the call. Now it was just Y/n and Jefferson sitting at a table together in a cafe.

“So,” Y/n started after a minute or two of silence. “Nice weather we’re having.” She cringed at how awkward she sounded, but Jefferson seemed to find her amusing. 

“Nice weather? Angel, have you even been outside today? It’s freezing.” 

She scowled. “I was just trying to make polite conversation, okay?”

“You’re not very good at that, are you?” He chuckled. “You sure you’re George Washington’s daughter? You weren’t adopted or anything?”

“No, he didn’t adopt me. I guess the charismatic genes weren’t passed on,” Y/n sighed. 

“Y/n, Thomas.” Peggy had returned from her phone call and started picking up her purse and jacket. “I’m so sorry, but a friend called. I have to go. But you two should stay as long as you like.” She sent a wink in Y/n’s direction that Thomas almost definitely saw.

And so Peggy left, leaving Y/n with her archenemy. Well, maybe archenemy was too strong. But still. Y/n sighed and took a long sip of her drink.

“You’re not leavin’?”

Y/n’s eyes met Thomas’s deep brown ones over the top of her cup. “Did you want me to leave?”

“No, no. ‘Course not. I just thought once Peggy left you wouldn’t stay long after,” Thomas explained.

She only shrugged. “I’ve got nothing better to do today.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying my company, then.”

“Hey, I never said I was enjoying your company. Merely putting up with you.”

“Is that it?”

“That’s it,” she nodded. Thomas glanced down at his watch and Y/n raised an eyebrow. “Do you have somewhere to be?”

“Surprisingly, I have nothing scheduled today.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing,” he confirmed. “And you said you’re not doing anything today?”

Y/n pursed her lips then nodded. “It’s my day off. Getting coffee with Peggy was my big plan for the day.”

“Then do you want to do something with me?”

The question struck her like a bolt of lightning. Y/n didn’t have any plans for the day, and she was looking for something fun to do... but this was Thomas Jefferson. The Thomas Jefferson who worked for her father and who was shamelessly arrogant. The Thomas Jefferson who she had mentally called her archenemy only moments ago. So she should’ve just said no. But then there was some part of her that did want to do something with him.

“Do I want to do something with you?” Y/n repeated, cocking her head to the side. “Like a date?”

His eyes widened and he slowly shook his head. “No. No, not like a date. Just two people doing the same thing at the same time. Not a date.”

“What activity were you thinking?” Y/n couldn’t believe she was considering this.

“Let’s go to Coney Island.”

“Coney Island?” She laughed but when he didn’t join her, her expression turned serious. “You’re not joking, are you? We can’t just go to Coney Island. You said it yourself, it’s cold out.”

“So bring a coat. C’mon, angel, I know you’re not the type, but it could be fun. Be spontaneous, just this once.” His smile was all too comfortable and his eyes twinkled with mischief.

“I’m not the type?” Y/n tried not to show how offended she was, but failed miserably. Is that really what he thought of her? That she was some kind of boring prude? Oh, how wrong was he. “Y’know what? Okay. Let’s go.”

Thomas perked up. “Did I hear you right? You really want to go?”

“You’re that surprised? Let’s go before I change my mind, Jefferson. But it’s not a date.”

He smiled. “It’s not a date.”

A/N: let me know if I forgot to add you to the tags or if you want to be added

tags: @fangirling-central​ @dannighost​ @ateliefloresdaprimavera​ @justahappylilblog​ @fanfic-addict-98​ @a-hopeless-fan​ @and-claudia​ @nicolemelton​ @youtxbemusic​ @reidcult​ @eirenism​ @fantasy-of-fiction​ @iamsuperconfusedallthetime-dead @a-midwinter-night-dream-86​ @rycbar-221b @bethanymccauley​

[kootenaygoon]

So,

Paisley needed a break.

We’d weaved our way on to the Fractal Forest dance floor around midnight, and we’d been half-dancing awkwardly for maybe two minutes, when she grabbed my hand and nodded her head towards the exit. There was a slight tinge of panic in her eyes. I followed her through wet surging bodies, trying to breathe through my mouth, shoving people out of the way with one hand. It smelled like cocaine farts and Axe body spray, like next-level B.O. and stinky skunk weed all mixed together. I was finding there were so many sensations coming at me I could only really focus on one at a time. I was trying to will myself into the moment, trying to share in this pseudo-religious party vibe. Each stage really did feel like a church, or a temple, or some pagan altar from thousands of years ago. You got the feeling that this place would be ideal for sacrificing live humans to the Sun Gods, to cut out still-beating hearts with ceremonial blades and display them dripping for the ravenous hordes.

“I’m sorry, Will, I just don’t like it. It’s too loud, it’s too much, it smells so bad. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t have come, maybe this was stupid,” Paisley said, once we’d reached a shadowy clearing just off the dance floor.

“I’m obviously not a Shambhala person.”

“Don’t say that. Listen, nobody’s judging you, okay? Everyone’s just trying to support everyone else in having a good time. It’s not an exclusive club.”

“You sound like you’re totally buying into it.”

“I’m trying to understand the culture, babe. I mean obviously this isn’t my scene, but when in Rome, right?”

She sighed. “I think I’ve gotta go to bed. I can’t do any more of this. Can you take me back to the RAV? I don’t think I can find it in the dark.”

I wasn’t surprised that Shambhala was lost on Paisley. She often compared herself to Piglet, as she shared his easily flustered personality. She liked her nest at home with Muppet and Buster, where she didn’t have to navigate too many personalities and things were fairly predictable. Because of her health issues she was fragile, and didn’t always sleep properly through the night. When she first suggested accompanying me I’d been reluctant to discourage her because I didn’t want her to feel like I’d rather go alone, and I figured she would ultimately flake out at the last minute. But in the weeks leading up to it she started to get excited, looking up outfits on Pinterest and endlessly researching on her iPad. She took us out to purchase spirit hoods, something she’d read about online, and now we were hiking across the Salmo River Ranch with bison and elk horns jutting from our skulls. I took her hand and led her through the vendor area, where hundreds of people were milling in line to purchase hot dogs, nachos, Thai food. We passed by the Pagoda Stage, transitioning from one audio soundscape to another, and then through a looming archway topped with Shambhala’s owl logo. 

Paisley and I walked by a psychedelic pirate ship with people hooting and dancing in the prow, down a long line of trailers and out into the wide open camping area. There were enough tents stretched out into the distance to sleep an invading army.  

“I’m worried about Muppet and Buster, do you think they’re okay?” 

“Of course they’re okay. They’re with Tamara.”

“I’m sorry I’m being such a wet blanket. I’m totally ruining the party.”

“You’re not ruining the party, duck.”

“Yes I am, I’m so pathetic. I can’t even have fun anymore.”

“You’re not pathetic, okay? Look at us, we’re having a nice time. This was a nice day, we saw a bunch of cool things, and now we’re going back to the RAV to sleep just as planned. There’s nothing to be upset about.”

“Are you sure?”

As we passed through an intersection another kilometre down the road, a volunteer in an orange vest motioned for us to stop. A giant truck rumbled by, rattling loudly, with water gushing out behind it. This was to keep the dust down, I’d learned earlier, because at times walking from one stage to the next was like being swept up in a sandstorm. While we waited for it to pass a small crowd gathered around us, including a guy who was only wearing a tube sock. Two bikini-clad girls in combat boots were standing beside him, looking surly. The music continued to chug through the trees like some nightmarish science fiction machine gone bonkers.

“Are we lost?”

“No, we’re not lost.”

“You know where we’re parked, right? We’re not going to get lost? There are like no lights anywhere.”

“It’s a ranch.”

“I know it’s a ranch, I’m just saying this feels a little sketchy.”

“It’s not sketchy.”

“What if some druggie freak like comes to rape me?”

“I’m here, and I’ll make sure nobody fucks with you, okay? We’re just spending the one night here and then we’re back to our little refuge with the dogs. Focus on that, okay?”

“This was a bad idea, coming here.”

“There’s no reason to be negative. It wasn’t a bad idea, it was just an experience and pretty soon the experience will be over and you’ll be fine, okay? You’re not going to feel like this tomorrow.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay, you’re right.”

Paisley got like this sometimes, with the hyper-anxiety, which was one of the reasons I was concerned about her cannabis use. We’d both proclaimed our intent to quit multiple times in the past six months, but we couldn’t seem to kick it. We were excellent at sabotaging each other, at justifying why we should be forgiven for just having a puff or two here and there. I was starting to feel like I’d permanently altered my personality, like I’d lost a piece of myself, but then I’d tell myself that was my religious upbringing talking. That was anti-cannabis propaganda. Weed wasn’t what they said it was, it wasn’t this soul-stealing sin like I’d been taught in church. It just calmed me, took care of me, carried me through experiences I didn’t feel like I could get through otherwise. I could never judge Paisley for her need, especially knowing how much pain she’d been through since I met her. 

She deserved her medicine. 

“You know what the craziest thing was?” Paisley asked, as we hiked diagonally down a row of campsites. A few of them were lit up, with people sprawled out in lawn chairs and blaring their music.

“From tonight, you mean?”

“That spider-woman, the one that was hanging upside down. I couldn’t even tell which of the legs were real and which were fake. You know how hard it would be to do that, like dance upside down in midair?”

“I could see you doing something like that, becoming a little festival dancer.”

“Fuck off.”

“I mean it, with your burlesque experience and everything, you could probably at least get one of the gigs where you play with a glow-in-the-dark hoop or whatever. Can you imagine what your Mom would say?”

She laughed, and it was a lovely sound. Being with Paisley meant learning how to successfully navigate her emotional transitions, and nobody could do that better than me. The woman had the most intense emotions I’d ever experienced in another human, and they could be overwhelming to encounter, but they always passed eventually. Then I was left with my adorable stoner girlfriend, the woman I’d literally crossed a continent for, my muse. She was my past, present and future.

Eventually we found the RAV, and we sat in the open back door to smoke a moonlit joint. I chugged two bottles of water, then got up to pace in the grass. Paisley was wrapped in a blanket, looking content. The music was fainter now, chugging and whirring, while multi-coloured lasers swooped through the clouds. I’d been told that the stages play music for 20 hours a day, so the party wouldn’t be shutting down any time soon. Paisley was ready for bed, but I was jacked up on Red Bull and ready to mingle with strangers. After crawling inside to tuck her in, I told her I was going to take a walk around the grounds. I wouldn’t be gone long, I said, I just wanted to tire myself out.

“And you’re not going to do anything crazy?”

“Of course not.”

The Kootenay Goon

[wreckthelist]

‘cause talk is cheap: bangtan brings my butter pt I.

I hate butter.

Not the song, obviously. I hate the grease, the vomit-inducing odor. How it dissolves and coats, lubricates the pan with all that... fat.

But love means never hesitating and unconditionally welcoming whatever’s in store with opening arms, weathering the storm and soldiering through world-war I trenches side-by-side, that sort of shit.

And so. When my beloved boys (everyone’s - yea, I hear you) released the first blindingly piercing yellow - like that obnoxious cheery shade, you know it- teaser logo for the 2021 single butter, I did welcome it with open arms.

The twitter TL was yellow. Thai ARMY’s in particular. Cough, ahem ahem.

Then came the first set of teaser photos, which were... lackluster and underwhelming, to say the least. The boys’ charms and looks alone were pretty much carrying the shots.

It took a couple of days to realize they were in an elevator. And then the comparisons with Dope started.

This glow up! Pssst. Precious.

The concept clips and second set of teaser photos threw everyone into a frenzied spin.

I mean, what in the fresh hell?

The jewelry. The props. The leather. Skin. Fresh cut shorts, bare arms. Explosive hair colors. 

Skin.

Please never, ever, ever cease being you, Kim Taehyung. Whatever you view you to be at that point in life. Because I adore you.

I dunno what sort of awkward family photo this is. But it just is.

Auras from Hoseok and Seokjin - we are not surprised. We’re just in respectful awe.

Now, 하자, here’s the main dish.

Of all the teasers, the trailer definitely hit me the hardest.

I mean. Are you kidding me? 

Those shimmering jacket flaps. Performer streaks dying to break out. Dancey dance bass beats, boys covering their mouths bopping their heads to each beat like they’re relishing being great teases they are at holding back a secret they can’t wait to spill.

God. Yes.

Color the whole clip in black and white and I’m weak in the knees.

Then, as you may have guessed by now, knowing me, I made pancakes the morning of May 20th, 1 day before the comeback.

The logo didn’t quite come out as designed. But still. Kind of. Okay.

So I coated the pan with butter, maybe for the first time in my life. And I (and Dad) let the it melt. We had the heat turned up too high, and I never did get the butter melting instagram worthy content I wanted the minute I decided to side step (ha ha) my own ongoing diet and asked Dad to buy the After You wholewheat (I tried. It’s not Makai Acai’s Oat pancakes but I tried.).

But what I could tell you was butter sizzled. It melted and crackled and dissolved into little bursts of exploding fireworks, little tszzz teasers of sounds that attacked you in minuscule jabs, mini dynamites, almost.

And that’s the way BTS’s butter smoothly melted its way into your hearts. Even non-ARMY’s.

When we think, ‘smooth,’ we think one-shot motions, uninterrupted movements and cool guy swagger. An exact, precise sort of soft, pillowy flow that messes with nobody and elevates in a class by itself.

Butter is all that and more.

There’s power in using a singular word as the title, one that rolls off the tongue and can be British (but-tah) and American (butt-ter) at the same time.

It grabs you. Pulls you in. And seeps, makes its way in.

Start with a simple backdrop (there’s a high chance that, if I were chatting with you on Microsoft Teams at 11am, May 21, I was humming along to Butter) - then bring in Jungkook, just as I’d been afraid that the whole MV would be minimal as per the teaser.

Then the beat drops and in walks Jungkook - doing what he does best.

(and more. because, you know, Golden Maknae.)

And bam. We got a Michael Jackson reference right off the bat. Of course.

Hey, thanks Dynamite for getting us together, I’d hold off no limits too.

How can I even begin to describe the swag that’s oozing and flowing in his screencap?

When asked by Zach the radio host what it means to be ‘smooth like butter,’ Jungkook replied, ‘like Jimin,’ and boy, is he not wrong.

Center!Jimin in white, white!Seokjin right behind him and surrounded by all men in black? I’ll take one, please.

Look at that neck.

And those wrists.

The jewelry on them. His rings, the watch. The dangling earrings.

This man did not come to play.

Taehyung’s index finger, Namjoon’s fist, Jungkook’s hand-gun(?) in Jimin’s direction and pouty lips ready to spill secrets, Yoongi’s inward-curling hand and fingers (for what? we’ll never know), Hoseok’s gaping duo fingers and pushed up, swaggered lips. Booyah, baby. We in for something special.

Only the second line, but the MJ reference carries. Jungkook’s oozing swag, still, and he’s in character.

The lyrics continues, emphasizes the theme of ‘a smooth criminal’ that’s only too exemplified by all that JK swag we’ve come to know and love and adore to the point of charmed unadulterated worship.

Lips pressed together, eye brows closed in.

Hello, mister.

The word ‘undercover’ is a grand slap bang to the first mini bomb dropped by Butter, just 12 seconds into the song (intro included), transporting the ‘smooth criminal’ phrase into some furtive operation (to steal ARMYs’ hearts! but let’s not get ahead of ourselves), even boasting (with swag) that in disguise, under the outspoken, openly announced pretense of being someone else, bangtan will still manage to---

The money shot. We’re not ashamed of watching and rewatching this for 100M++ times. Never.

Let’s never stop gabbing about how much I love and adore KookV. Not only the portmanteau, or shipping, or anything platonic or imagined romantic bond or whatever. Just. Them.

Them being them and all this chemistry. This bond. This relationship.

Look at Taetae glancing over his shoulder, index finger pointing at Jungkook sneaking up behind him, that extended long hair curved over his adorable round face, the cheeks filling up the frame. Jungkook’s heels pointed at the floor and one shoe raised, about to walk on by in Taehyung’s backdrop.

What’s amazing about Bangtan, always, is that they never seem to steal each other’s spotlight. The harmonic coexistence, chemistry, and tangible, implied closeness is even captured in a still screencap.

“Gon’ pop like trouble,” at first listen reminded me of bubbles, to be honest, but then naturally I got to thinking of those bubbly (Hi, Colbie Caliat, lol) blisters of oily Butter that went tsz tsz tsz soon as the butter melted on the pan.

It’s not deathly harm. It’s just heated scratches - warm enough to wake you up, explosive enough to make you pause, and tinges enough to poke and nudge you to listen. 

Never imploring. Not forcing. Never heavy-handed. Because this, ladies and gents, this is swag.

So they’re hinting (adorably - because I view Jungkook and Taehyung through adoring, fond lens) that they’re about to cause trouble, wreck havoc, bring the pain (I’m kidding), but in that soft, self-contained imagery of the word ‘pop’ that dissociates, dissolves within seconds before you know it, before you could prepare or get ahold of yourself.

The butter pops. BTS’s buttery bubble pops. And the world’s no less than prepared.

Gratuitous shot of us with Jungkook. Look, we are right there on his palm.

 Also, because I am in love with this smile.

(It’s such a typical MV shot, but I’ll let it pass. Because. You know. Jungkook.)

(Yes. That word in and of itself is the answer.)

(No takebacks.)

At this level of detailed inspection, I can’t help wondering if Namjoon’s looking to Hoseok or someone else to check the beat. I would’ve done the same, Joonie.

But yes, right in my weakness for synchronized, uniformed (preferably suits) boys performing.

(I heard you.)

We lose.

There’s nowhere to go.

They’ve caught us.

Center!Hoseok and Jimin looking down like that to the left of the frame. Men in black in a grouped cluster behind Hoseok, Tae looking down to the middle of the left, Joon to the right, and Jungkook to Tae’s back of the neck. Seokjin almost dancing and Yoongi’s half profile turned to the camera for that reveal of this gorgeous bodyline curve in a tailor made suit.

Ok, yea.

so criminal. very swag. dead arresting.

I am taken.

So. Back to the lyrics.

“Breakin’ into your heart like that,’ they’ve told us and told us when introducing Butter that the track would melt and dissolve its way into ARMY’s hearts, and right here is Jungkook himself singing about “breakin’“ making his explosive way into the listener’s heart.

“Breakin’“ continues the theme of ‘smooth criminal,’ and ‘undercover [psst. disguises]’ committing a crime, invoking violence, splaying black on a white canvas, creating impact just to be noticed. The imagery this evokes in my head was some kind slamming, a crash-course collision, banging (what a banger! lmao) its way into someone’s innermost, close emotional space they hold dear: the heart. (An important, standout word to note: “in” - once someone is in, he/she is “in.”)

But be not afraid. This criminal is bangtan.

Taehyung’s pursed lips are the “cool” stunners here.

Side note: of course people noticed only Tae and Yoongi are the ones sporting sunglasses (me! want! give! please!... but why? in this pandemic... why....). #Taegi #GaV forever.

Cough.

Love how he enunciates syllables, rolls them like babies in his mouth for us. This almost-wet(?) look, fashionably messed up head of hair, and the ~$287K one-sided dangly Chanel earring I would kill for.

(I’ve been in love, satan, but not like this.)

Again, notice that Yoongi’s sunglasses are more Wayfarer Classic (doesn’t look as cool on my face, unfortunately. Boo.), while Tae’s is that intoxicating vintage, tinted, rounded ones. 

I’m just being basic and linking to Ray-Bans but they’re so clearly more sophisticated brands.

How perfect to intercut the horizontal group shot here (hit them where it hurts - with everything and all you’ve got.)

“Cool shade stunner” - got to hand it to the lyricists for stringing long the theme so smoothly (heheh). Here we’ve got the blatant juxtaposition of “cool” against the imagined warmth of butter, or the implied (if any) undercurrents of hot, swaggering criminals blazing their way into your hearts with violent undertones.

We all know ‘cool’ is an ironic contrast in itself, a way intrinsically defining (and inducing) a calm, collected demeanor which doubles as a slang for swag. 

“shade stunner” (guess what!) - the alliteration slips off the tongue like a charm. One of the reasons I’m in love with sunglasses is their fix-all, cure-all makeover magic for transforming the wearer into a cooler (ahem) person, arresting to eyes and a focus point for onlookers, and that’s exactly what it says on the tin here.

Tae gets two screenshots because he’s Tae.

Just going to speculate here that Taetae might have come up with this choreo reflecting the lyrics (looking to the heavens, thanking the ones above/’mother’ at the higher-up place of respect). 

Those veins. The long fingers you’d like to be wrapped around yours, and the pursed lips. This defined jawline.

Oh, please.

Of course, we love a grateful Mama’s boy (biased lens, narrow and restricted context as specified). 

“Yeah, I owe it [the swag] all to my mother.” 

World, meet Kim Seokjin.

Kim Seokjin does not need to meet the world. Clearly. Because he already owns it.

Where do you think you’re going, with one-eye closed and finger pointed directly at me? Where do you think you’re leaving to?

A pictorial representation of Taehyung’s double-edged cuteness: deathly adorable.

The wide-open lips, his palm spread out, hand in pocket.

“Hot like summer,” a phrase sung here as in direct aural reply to “mother,” (the ‘er’ sound echoing off the walls) but also a no-brainer inclusion to this song so advertised repeatedly as a summer banger.

(#BUTTERSOTY LET’S GO PEOPLE!)

Add to the fire, let the flames burn. Make ‘em hot. Keep the thirst traps and tabs open. Like they’ve never thirsted before.

Like this rolled tongue here? Criminal.

Just another day in the life of a talented visual.

And you know, way, way superior to a look that I’m only beginning to grasp in my mind as Arctic Monkeys-esque.

Aaand - scatter! Yoongi’s such a flying cat. Jimin’s halfway through a dance move. Hoseok’s side-profiling also perhaps a dance move (THOSE. WAISTS. I’m a girl and I’m blushing!). Jungkook’s half turned, wide-open shirt.

This is only 24 seconds in.

Who gave this man a lollipop? I repeat. Who put our tiny, fragile, self-loving lives in danger? WHO GAVE THIS MAN A LOLLIPOP?

STOP.

HOLD IT.

.... [deep breaths] oh god. That was a trip.

And I may not be physically sweating through my pores - but hell, I was sweating through the pores in my heart, my head, and my mind.

It’s hold-your-breath-and-don’t-notice-it-but-just-let-go split second vibe.

The Dior sunglasses just intensified this whole marvelous split second lollipop sucking debacle of Kim Taehyung.

aaand that’s it. I will not say a word more.

His jacket’s flapping tail! I cry!

Ok. Focus. Lyrics.

Last week the temperature in my home office shot up to a staggering 36.7 C degrees, and, if Bangtan’s comparing their hotness to a sweltering summer when sweat popped up on tanned skin, this unbearable hint of *ahem**cough*ahem* smexy (i went that way, I’m sorry) tension, this was exactly it.

Namjoon whispers this, I’ve learned.

It’s the phrase right before the pre-chorus (you’re here, finally, oh my god. Hahaha I hear you.), a typical (again) phrase signaling a deeper dive into the lyrics or taking a closer zoom into them boys (because, please) and what they’re saying (inviting, selling us on).

The boys’ exact same pose mirror this. Tae’s already had his palm spread open like this a few seconds ago, and here he’s doing it again in unison with the group.

Yoongi’s and Seokjin’s are at the same degree/height of hand raised.

Jungkook’s more soft, innocent “hey, I hear you.”

Hoseok’s the cautiously curious, “What’s goin’ on, folks?”

Jimin’s is straight up, “i’mma power-moving you today, bitches.”

Taehyung’s showing off his boxy smile teeth, and Joon’s all, “I’m here. hold up, hold it.”

Everyone’s talking about Seokjin. But it was a crime to ever have stopped.

Let’s talk mug shots.

One - side profile. Two - plunging neckline on a v-neck dark tee. Three - necklaces.

Babyyyy, why’d you shut your eyes like that??

He knows what the sleeveless top does. He knows.

One squinted eye, blown up blonde hair, a hand raising his blazer at the back. He knows.

TBC. seems like Tumblr’s hit a photo limit.

[maryjanewannabee]

Winter Formal (Part 5/?)

Summary: Filming the second Spider-Man movie has been a breeze. You and Tom are lowkey dating, knowing that if Jon finds out and is angry, you can still get fired. Zendaya has remained jealous and has had her eye on the two of you for the past few months. But despite the obstacles, both of you are happy, even though today is the last day of filming. 

Warning: Swearing

A/N: This is way longer than I intended it to be but I’m really enjoying the storyline oops. I’m planning on only a couple more parts so bear with me. Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the beautiful moodboard @prkrptr put together for this story?! 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

I walked down the street to meet Tom at our favorite breakfast place and was pleased to find him at a table by the window with my meal already waiting for me. He was facing opposite the door so I was able to snake my arms around his back without him noticing. He jumped slightly at my touch and then eased into it, kissing my cheek as I went to sit opposite him. My chocolate chip pancakes and fruit cup waited for me. 

“I still don’t understand how you think that just because you get a fruit cup it’s healthy.” Tom said, shaking his head. I laughed before digging in. Tom ate a bagel and ham across from me, but I didn’t feel guilty about my pancakes. 

“It makes me feel like I’m on my way to being healthy so pipe down.” I said between chews. He grinned at me. That smile made me melt, even after months of dating. Aside from Harrison, Y/B/N, and our families, no one knew about us. Except Zendaya. But we steered clear of that situation. She had mostly left us alone in the past months, but would still insert little passive aggressive hits here and there when Jon was around, causing him to scrunch his brow in confusion before moving on. 

After breakfast we walked a few blocks to the studio, the pancakes hitting me a little harder as we strode up a hill. When we got to the studio we split up to get dressed. Today wardrobe was a little different. Today we would be in formal attire to shoot the winter formal dance scene. It couldn’t be Spider-Man: Winter Formal without one, of course. 

I sat in the hair and makeup chair a little longer, letting them apply sharp red lipstick and a winged eyeliner that could kill. They curled my hair and braided a simple fishtail crown on the top. I looked in the mirror and was shocked. I could’t wait to show Tom. But I couldn’t leave yet without the dress. I had helped choose the dress when we had been shopping months ago. A long princess-like gold skirt with a lace top and sleeves. We opted for red converse to complete the look. I twirled in the trailer, watching the golden skirt shine blue and purple in certain lights, and then picked up the tulle underneath and walked to the mock high school. 

Jon saw me first, smiling as he saw his vision coming to life again. Zendaya stood to the side wearing a body-hugging navy dress that ended right below her butt. It fit her. Her character had grown in this movie, progressing into a jealous girl who had clawed out of pain and into the limelight of high school. Our characters hated each other. Fitting. 

Suddenly, I spotted Tom across the gym where the mock dance would be held. He was running lines with Jacob and hadn’t seen me yet. Just then, Jacob nudged him and Tom looked up, confused, until he laid eyes on me. He just stared, his eyes lighting up. I blushed and turned to go over a couple lines with Jon. A few moments later Tom came over, asking Jon if he could borrow my character for a moment. 

I followed him to the side of the set where no one could see us and he grabbed my hips, leaning in for a kiss. I managed to stop him with a hand to the face. He pulled back, confused and slightly pissed. 

“You are not about to smudge this makeup.” I said with a laugh. He groaned and dug his face into my neck, kissing it tenderly. I shuttered. 

“You look beautiful, Y/N.” He whispered in my ear. I grinned, goosebumps circulating across my arms. “I love you so much.” Just then, Jon came around the corner, seeing Tom and I embracing. I pulled away quickly, but knew it was too late. I knew Jon was going to fire me now. It was over. He was going to find another Mary Jane and I would be out of a job. 

But he just gestured towards the set.

“We have a movie to wrap up, lovebirds!” He said, shocking Tom and I. Blushing, we both made our way to the dance floor set, seeing Zendaya fuming with rage. I knew she was going to visit Jon later. 

The scene was a sweet dance between Mary Jane and Peter, and with my mind swirling after Tom’s confession and Jon finding us, I almost forgot how to dance. Tom placed his hand on my waist as the first few notes of Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur came over the speakers. Tom pulled me close as the scene began and I breathed him in. 

“You look beautiful.” Tom said, following the script. I looked down, blushing, not having to act too much. There was a pause as we danced. “Mary Jane-” Tom began, hesitating. 

“Peter?” I inquired, trying to look into his struggling eyes. He turned to me. 

“Thank you.” He said. “Thank you for being there for me. For keeping my secret. For dealing with my...stuff...after the battle...up there.” He struggled getting the words out, mentioning the previous Infinity War movie. “I-You make me human. You keep me grounded and calm and peaceful and happy and I would have gone insane if you weren’t here in my arms right now letting me spill my guts to you.” Tom’s eyes glistened with tears, reminding everyone what a great actor he was. “I know it hasn’t been easy and I’m sorry- I’m sorry for putting you in danger and for making you keep this secret and-” I brought my hand up, cupping his face. 

“I don’t care that you’re Spider-Man.” I said, looking at him fully. “I don’t care that you save people’s asses every other night or that they kick yours the rest of them. It’s an added bonus, but it’s not what I love about you.” Tom looked up from trying to hide his tears, his character shocked at my words. “I love that you’re kind, and smart. and funny, and that you bring May thai when she cries. I love that you’re selfless enough to go out every night and get you’re ass kicked for the gokod of other people.” 

“Hey, not every-” Tom tried interjecting, but I held my hand up.

“Pipe down, tiger.” I said with a laugh, using Mary Jane’s pet name for Peter. “I love that you are man enough to let me hold you tight when the nightmares are too terrible and the anxiety too loud. And I love that you have shown me that not all men are shit and drink into a stupor and beat their daughters.” My voice started to break. “Sure, I like Spider-Man and all those other super dudes- but I love Peter Parker.” 

By then, both of us had tears streaming down our faces. Tom embraced me into a tight hug, burying his face in my neck like he had moments before. He drew back, and kissed me lightly. He leaned his forehead against mine, looking into my eyes. We swayed with the ending notes of the song until something crashed in the corner of the gym. Tom and I both shot our heads in the direction of the noise, knowing it was Doctor Octopus revving up a fight scene. I looked at Tom. 

“Go.” I said. He hesitated, looking at me. “Go!” I said it more forcefully and he nodded, pulling away from me, and running towards the wreckage. 

“Cut!” Jon called. Tom slowed, turning back to me. We all looked at Jon. He threw his hands up. “That’s a wrap!”

The studio erupted in cheers and everyone embraced, celebrating the end of filming. After we celebrated a little, I went back to my trailer, thinking. I had barely gotten in the door when it was opened again. Tom barged in, surprising me. 

“Tom!” I said in a scolding tone. “I could’ve been-”

“Y/N I meant it.” Tom interrupted me. I looked at him, my mind reeling. I knew what those words brought. For me it had only brought pain. Tom knew that. He understood. He wouldn’t be saying this if he wasn’t for sure. He took a step towards me, holding my waist. “I love you. I love you in this dress, I love you in sweats, I love you when you’re grouchy, I love you when you’re happy, I love everything about you.” 

My head spun as I realized I felt the same way. Every thing he said. Everything my character had just said, I felt all of it. He stood there in his tux, and I stood in my dress, and I said the scariest words I could possibly muster.

“I love you, Tom.”

Tags: @prkrptr @mrshollandparker

[picturesinlove]

THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT: a *super* unoriginal ‘best films of 2017′ list

In life, we’re constantly asked what we learnt from things. It’s one way of measuring a completely immeasurable experience. Most films are built on this- ’character arcs’- how do they change and grow? What do they learn? (That’s not a negative thing, just the mechanics of this stick out when it’s done badly). With that in mind, I asked myself, from everything I watched this year, what did I learn?

THE BEST 12 ‘FILMS’ of 2017:

The first thing I learnt- films and TV series have become indistinguishable. It didn’t happen solely this year, but 2017 is definitely the ‘flag in the road’ point. Films are increasingly designed so they can be watched on a small screen with headphones, and most TV should really be watched on a big screen with proper speakers. And TV is sort of the wrong word. Netflix isn’t TV. I don’t know what it is. Just Long Form Storytelling perhaps? It’s certainly becoming less and less episodic. More and more feel like 10 hour films split into 10 parts so you can digest it better. So, this list is really the best 12 *things* of 2017.

The second thing I learnt- how you watch something is almost as important as what you’re watching. What headspace you were in, what time of day it was, if the room was totally dark, if someone a few rows in front of you was talking through the movie, if you’d seen the previous instalments in the series, hell- even if you’d seen the trailer. It all adds to how you think about the film. So, on the list, I’ve included where I saw it.

12. THE DISASTER ARTIST (directed by James Franco)

True story about the making of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, the best worst film ever made.

I cried like I haven’t cried in years watching this. I don’t know what it was. Just something about the last act hit me so hard I couldn’t contain myself. And when you’re trying to contain yourself BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A SAD FILM AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE CRYING EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU IS LAUGHING PLEASE STOP CRYING it’s really hard to stop. It’s a story of ambition, heart and following your dreams no matter what.

Green screen! Lovely green screeeeen! Purely on an aesthetic level, whenever they’re shooting against that unmistakable, vibrant colour I just loved it.

You know when films do that thing and show pictures of the real people the film’s about before the credits so you can go ‘wow this film’s so accurate and got that detail right’?? This does a version of that, and it’s the only one that’s ever mattered/will ever matter.

The real Tommy Wiseau also has my favourite film related tweet of 2017:

Seen at BFI Southbank.

11. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK SEASON 5 (created by Jenji Kohan)

The lives of the women at Litchfield Penitentiary, a minimum-security prison in upstate New York. (the annimalllsss the animalllls, TRAP TRAP TRAP till the cage is fulllll...)

This show is about everything the opening titles suggest- women, decisions and time. What’s striking about OITNB is the characters never serve the plot. Plot *is* character. It’s there to serve them. It gives us a framework to waste time with these characters, because ‘all they’ve got is time’.

Season 5 is brave in terms of content and form. There are thousands of people more qualified to speak about the content, so I’ll leave it to them. Form wise: Orange is the New Black is Netflix’s most watched show, and probably it’s major tentpole along with Stranger Things. It has a well-oiled structure. Each season takes place over a few weeks, each episode focusses us in on one character, complete with flashbacks that inform us how they ended up in prison. Season 5 tears that to shreds, setting it basically in real time over 3 days. When it works, it *really* works. There’s no looking away. You feel the grind of what they’re going through. It sometimes leaves them too much time to pad out and we get some boring side plots- but on ambition alone I loved it.

It’s the perfect continuation and accumulation of previous seasons in many ways. The characters you know and love are in extraordinary circumstances. It brings out sides to their personalities that you never knew were there, but fit perfectly. Where all the characters are situated within the prison after the inciting incident is the best use of character geography *as* character I’ve ever seen. Tonally the series has gradually been getting nastier and nastier for a while, but there’s a scene towards the end of this season which is so nasty and so long and REFUSES to cut away even though you desperately, desperately want them too. It’s raw. It hurts. It’s a scene the show has always been heading for tonally and building towards dramatically. 

Season 5 slots in just under 4 for me in terms of ranking them all- but it’s still damn good. One things for certain, 5 changed everything for OITNB. The game is different. 

Oh, and Nicky’s the MVP. 

Netflix.

10. BAD GENIUS (directed by Nattawut Poonpiriya)

Thai Heist-Thriller. A genius high school student makes money after developing elaborate methods to help other students cheat.

WHAT A FUCKING RIDE!! The most fun I’ve had in a cinema all year. More stakes in this than most ‘end of the world’ superhero movies. Genuinely unpredictable.

The filmmaking is so good it makes you forget plausibility is sometimes being pushed. Amazing set-pieces. Expertly choreographed. Form and content perfectly married. This is the best way to tell this story, like a Michael Mann thriller, a Steven Soderbergh Oceans-style heist.

Every character is so rich and textured in their own way. So fully realised. You’ve met them all at some point in your life. It’s whimsical, but painful and genuinely emotional when it needs to be. Never pulls it’s punches.

2 years time, there will almost certainly be an American remake… and it’ll suck so hard. It’s rooted in Thailand, the socio-economic situation of people, the time zones, the pressure to succeed, and honestly- just hearing it in Thai. 

SEE THIS FILM. SEE THIS FILM. SEE THIS FILM. SEE THIS FILM. If you take anything from reading any of this, SEE THIS FILM.

Seen at Vue Leicester Square.

9. NATHAN FOR YOU: FINDING FRANCES (directed by Nathan Fielder)

The feature-length finale of Nathan For You’s 4th season. It’s a show that’s difficult to describe without saying ‘trust me’.... but honestly, *trust me*. Nathan Fielder graduated from business school with ‘really good grades’. He offers outlandish solutions to solve problems for struggling small businesses. In Finding Frances, Fielder uses all the resources of his successful show to help an old Bill Gates impressionist track down his high school sweetheart. Trust me.

Nathan Fielder has accidentally and totally on purpose made one of the best documentaries of the last 10 years.

It’s funny how we remember things. Reality and fiction are blurred. Truth is irrelevant. What does real mean? Does it even matter if we remember it how we want to?

Laptop.

8. THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI (directed by Martin McDonagh)

A mother takes desperate steps to pressure local law enforcement to find her daughter’s killer.

Perfectly woven and layered characters. I fucking hate the phrase ‘the character arc’, but if I were teaching a class in it- I’d show this film.

A film about relationships, and every relationship between every character or creature or inanimate object is perfect.

McDonagh loves theatrical sensibilities. Nobody does grand, rich set-pieces quite like him… makes highly stylised situations feel real in the world he sets up.

I could have watched hours more of these characters interacting.

Seen at Embankment Garden Cinema.

7. BLADE RUNNER 2049 (directed by Denis Villeneuve)

Neo-noir, sci-fi sequel to Ridley Scott’s 1981 classic.

I’m not a fan of the original Blade Runner. I appreciate it! It’s beautiful! and groundbreaking! but I just find it so heartless and cold. I just can’t connect to it. The best sci-fis are amazing stories with really fun furniture (the gadgets, tech etc.) The original is too much furniture for me. In other words, I had no reason to like this one IP wise. 2049 takes everything that could have been interesting from the original and expands on that. The furniture is just that- furniture. An amazing setting that enriches and serves the story. Everything is there to tell the story. I left the cinema feeling I’d experienced something the way that everyone talks about experiencing the first one.

The most expensive art film ever made. I literally cannot believe this exists. I cannot believe they gave Villeneuve £185MILLION to make a 3-hour long, philosophical film that has no blockbuster tropes: no loveable rogue hero; no ‘off-beat’ quippy humour to keep you interested; no CGI extravaganza 3rd act; NO.FUCKING.SKYBEAM with floating garbage spinning around it that threatens to destroy the world and the heroes have to stop it before everyone in the world dies; no setting up 5 other already planned sequels in the franchise so nothing important happens in this one. It’s a rare type of blockbuster in 2017- one that trusts it’s audience is intelligent.

Denis Villeneuve really is the most exciting director working today. This is just further proof. Arrival (2016) still my favourite of his, but I’m almost more in awe of him for this. Taking such a well-loved franchise and doing something new with it in a way that still feels respectful of what’s come before. It’s his film.

The only use of Hollywood’s new trend of digitally recreating actors (ala Peter Cushing in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story) that will ever matter. THIS is how you do it well.

Gender politics (we’re gunna’ go there, SPOILERS AHEAD and I know my opinion doesn’t really matter or count for anything on this just thought it’d be silly not to bring it up, feel free to disagree, v. interested to hear what everyone thinks about this!!) Lots has been written about the treatment of female characters in 2049. Most apt example I can think of to explain how I feel- Taxi Driver (1976), there’s a cafe scene in which the camera lingers on some black characters for uncomfortably long in a kind of parading manner, a ‘look at how terrible these guys are’ manner... it’s very understandable why one could interpret the film itself as racist. I’d argue the film is completely aware of what it’s doing- it’s putting us in Travis Bickle’s eyes, who is a racist character. I mean, we’re literally in his head the whole thing, hearing what he’s thinking and seeing what he’s seeing... I guess what I’m saying is- ‘it’s a decision.’ It’s not an offhand random shot where the filmmaker’s own gaze comes through, it’s a skilfully planned decision to make us question and think about something, in Taxi Driver’s case- what kind of man Bickle is. The treatment of women in 2049 *IS* a decision. It’s not Villeneuve lazily commodifying women, it’s him saying a world where women are only a commodity is a fucking bleak one. It’s a world where real women have been rendered obsolete because the height of success in our society (the CEO of a large corporation), an egoistical white guy with a god-complex manufactures life so women aren’t necessary for continuing the human race, and creates holographic partners for everyday men so they’re emotionally fulfilled without having to engage with actual women. And it’s so horrible. I mean, is anybody happy in this film? Is the picture of the future this film paints bright? It’s a film about how the arrogance of men will destroy everything. And on a base story level, it’s literally about guy who thinks everything is about him... but it turns out to be about a woman. Perhaps it’s lazy for the film to make the decision ‘it’s a patriarchal world so all the women are prostitutes and are treated badly so we’re just gunna’ do that’, but I dunno’... I think there’s more going on. I think Villeneuve is too good for that. I mean his last film was literally about a genius female linguist being the saviour of the world and how a mother’s love is the most precious thing. Would he really do such a U-turn and make a film where the female characters are just objects to be gazed at? I mean- maybe?? If any other aspect of the film felt like it was the studio meddling with Villenueve’s vision I’d buy that... but it’s just SO his film. And I think he’s clever enough to know who the primary audience of this film is- geeky 20 year-old guys. He draws them in with the surface (and all too familiar) images of the female characters, and then turns all of that on it’s head. Just my opinion. Obviously I can never be completely impartial- very happy to be converted the other way. 

Seen at Picturehouse Central.

6. CALL ME BY YOUR NAME (directed by Luca Guadagnino)

Somewhere in Northern Italy, Summer 1983, Elio’s life changes.

Sun-drenched Europe, the smell of warmth and twirling cigarette smoke, deep blue sky- pure, breakfast with a glass of apricot juice and an espresso, the sound of bike spokes spinning lazily.

I wish I could live with these people.

‘Later.’

The rawest and best final shot in the last 10 years.

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square.

5. THE BIG SICK (directed by Michael Showalter)

A Pakistani-born standup comedian/Uber driver and a grad student strike up an unlikely relationship.

MAGIC. The perfect retort to use when someone says ‘all rom-coms suck’. A genuine slab of gold that’s as funny as it is heartfelt. And it’s just SO the kind of thing I like.

I’m unbelievably bored of films and just art in general that’s terrified of being sincere in fear of being labelled sappy or over-sentimental. The Big Sick says ‘fuck you’ to that school of thought and goes for it. 

Comedy, romance and drama are effortlessly blended- sometimes all in the same scene. And it never feels off-kilter, mainly due to the amazing performances. Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Ray Romano, Holly Hunter and the rest of the cast always play the truth of the scene- not the humour, the romance or the drama, just the TRUTH of the moment.

The perfect antidote to the year 2017 in general.

Seen at Aldeburgh Cinema.

4. YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE (directed by Lynne Ramsay)

Gulf War veteran Joe rescues children from trafficking rings.

This is a horror. And more terrifying than any jump scare, this whole film is populated by ghosts.

Deeply troubled, deeply disturbed. Beautiful. Precise. Scatter-brained. Focused. A violin strung too tightly, then played by a madman. How can something so stripped down and raw feel so symphonic and wholesome?

There are things in this that will play on loop in my head for the rest of my life. Images and sounds so seared into my brain they find me at the strangest of moments in a day, and I’m always left thinking about them for the rest of that day. It’s clever like that. Joe can never escape what he’s seen. 

Francis Ford Coppola famously told press at the 1979 Cannes premiere of Apocalypse Now - ‘My film is not about Vietnam. It is Vietnam.’

You Were Never Really Here is not about PTSD... it is PTSD.

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square.

3. LOGAN (directed by James Mangold)

Wolverine’s last outing.

I’m not a huge fan of superhero films. Most are fun. Most are also lazy. Few will survive the test of time. Those that will use all the tricks in their genre box and do something interesting with them, transcend- Rami’s Spiderman 2 (2004), Bird’s The Incredibles (2004), Nolan’s The Dark Knight (2008)... and Mangold’s Logan. 

So aged. So weary. Everyone is tired. Tired of running, tired of fighting, tired of living. Like three sharp metal claws jaggedly tearing through flesh, nothing is polished about this. Bloodshot eyes, skin like leather. He feels so much regret. Like most real heroes, he mourns those he couldn’t save rather than celebrates those he did. And it’s eaten him up inside for the hundreds of years he’s lived.

Here I go talking about furniture again... but every piece of furniture (superpowers etc.) is there to serve the story (and here the characters are story). Like so many blockbusters and superhero movies fail to do, this film is about something other than the furniture... e.g. how do you tell a story about dementia that gives someone who hasn’t experienced a family member suffering from it *that* feeling of sadness, loss, embarrassment, empathy and frustration? You give it to Charles Xavier (played by Patrick Stewart), a character you’re use to seeing as the leader, who always has a clever plan up his sleeve and has the ability to control other’s minds. You give it to him, and you force everyone watch the person they respected the most have to be lifted into bed while screaming about fast-food. It’s heartbreaking. Complex. It’s actually about something other than how in superhero world teamwork saves the day. Every ‘plot point’ and moment tells us something about these characters, even to a fault sometimes. SUBTLE: Logan pulling them jammed claws the way an old boy down the pub with arthritis feels his fingers. UNSUBTLE BUT STILL INTERESTING: making Logan fight the only thing he’s truly scared of- literally the version of himself that blindly obeys orders.

Everyone is SO fucking real. Just *watch* the way Daphne Keen eats that bowl of cereal.

Would highly recommend watching the ‘Noir’ Black & White version. 

mild spoilers: It also features the best single edit of the year, from Laura stabbing the shit out of some dude to a flurry of scattered drum beats in the score... then that piercing animalistic roar rips through and all is silent... she spins.... from this:

CUT to this:

An empty forest, the roar echoes out... a low bass note tolls like a funeral. Something is coming. Help is on the way, but it’s an untamed, ruthless, violent help. He’s near...

No one single cut has ever given me chills like that before.

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square & Picturehouse Central (Noir version)

2. TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN (directed by David Lynch)

Agent Cooper’s odyssey back to the small town of Twin Peaks. The original series of Twin Peaks that aired in the early 90s is often cited as creating ‘prestige’ television as we know it today- your Game of Thrones’, HBO high-quality, Netflix and so on... 25 years later, David Lynch and Mark Frost have returned to kill it. 

Earth-shattering. Groundbreaking. An 18-hour film (split into 16 parts) so layered, so complex i’m not even sure where to begin... and most of what I have to say has probably been written by someone else much more eloquently. 

For the first 9 hours, I found The Return mostly frustrating. I love the original series so, so much (and the prequel film Fire Walk With Me is one of my favourite films of all time). When I hit hour 10, it was like all the clouds in my head suddenly cleared. I ‘got’ it. What I thought I wanted was all my favourite characters back again talking about cherry pie and coffee with that soft romantic filter. Lynch and Frost (the creators) knew I wanted that. They also knew I didn’t *really* want that... because, the original series will always exist. They knew nothing would disappoint more than a soft reboot. The Return is it’s own thing- within the universe of Twin Peaks, and... within the actual universe. Seriously, how can you categorise this? It jumps from screwball slapstick comedy to silent black and white existentialist horror to 10 minute live band performances... what is the point of even trying to categorise it?

On some of the individual parts: Part 3 is a low-fi, surrealist, near silent masterpiece. Part 8 is... ‘Pure Heroin Lynch’ and has already changed TV forever. Part 11 is the most satisfying instalment, fulfilling storylines from the original series in a measured and poignant way. Part 17 is the conclusion we wanted, sort of... Part 18 is the start of a new mystery, and one of the most haunting things I’ve ever seen.

Twin Peaks will change you life.

Seen on Laptop.

1. THE FLORIDA PROJECT (directed by Sean Baker)

In the shadow of Disney World, 6 year-old Moonee and her friends spend the summer playing around the Motels they live in, while her mother Halley struggles to find a new job.

Pastel bright colours. Every person has survived a storm. Explore the wasteland of failed corporate America. Become a child again. The endless spinning of helicopter blades, a constant reminder of what they can’t do- escape. 

Doesn’t ask you to like the characters. Doesn’t need to. Moonee has seen too much. Halley’s anger at herself and her life bubbles underneath every word and action, but she just doesn’t know how to fix it.

It is *SO* achingly beautiful it hurts. I find it hard to even watch the trailer without crying.

For the problems that face Moonee, honorary queen of The Magic Castle Motel, and the impending darkness that’s sure to come, she has the most powerful gift of all- finding hope where there is none. 

‘See, I took you on a safari.’ 

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square & ICA.

DISCLAIMER- things that are not out yet in the UK/I shamefully haven’t yet seen and would likely be on my list too: Lady Bird (further DISCLAIMER i would actually kill somebody to see this) A Ghost Story Raw Phantom Thread War for the Planet of The Apes Coco American Vandal Mindhunter

BEST SCENES:

The third thing I learnt this year- it’s impossible to talk about a specific scene in a film without spoiling it. So... SPOILERS.

The Stairway Fight - ATOMIC BLONDE (directed by David Leitch)

If someone could tell me what the fuck was going on in Atomic Blonde that’d be great but until then I’ll just marvel at how amazing the fight sequences are. Charlize Theron again puts herself at the centre of the progression of American action cinema following her iconic performance in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). From the first time we see her, lying in an expensive bath healing her wounds and soothing her bruises, we know at some point we’re going to see how she got them. CUE: The 15 minute stairway fight sequence, made to look like a single continuous shot. Leitch and Chad Stahelski (his frequent collaborator and director of the also brilliant John Wick: Chapter 2) are determined to show general audiences what good action scenes look like. This 15-min beauty harkens back to the almost dance like hospital shootout in Hard Boiled (1992), with the rawness and determination of a Children of Men (2006) tracking shot. Charlize Theron (as MI6 agent Lorraine Broughton) fights her way through swarms of henchmen over several floors of an abandoned block of flats, all the while trying to protect Eddie Marsan (who wouldn’t want to protect Eddie Marsan??) Every punch, kick and throw HURTS. By the end, she and the final henchman are so exhausted there’s a sense they might just call the whole thing off- but something pushes them on. Oh, and there’s a 5 minute car chase all part of the same shot to end. Also features the BEST LINE OF 2017. In retort to the final henchman strangling her desperately whispering ‘Take this, bitch!’, she turns the tables, stabs him up hard, then before delivering the final knockdown, pushes her nose to his and asks- ‘Am I your bitch now?’ She doesn’t wait for a reply.

The Eyeless Woman - TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN (directed by David Lynch)

Lynch’s best nightmare.

Train Hysterics - LAST FLAG FLYING (directed by Richard Linklater)

2003. A Vietnam veteran recruits his two oldest buddies, who he served with, to accompany him on a journey no one should ever have to take. 

I liked this movie a lot- just missed out on the top 12 list. The standout scene happens little over half way through, the characters sitting in a storage carriage of a train talking about losing their virginities. It’s the best ‘characters uncontrollably laughing’ scene since The Intouchables (2011). 

The Snowball epilogue - STRANGER THINGS 2 (directed by The Duffer Brothers)

Stranger Things season 2 was super mixed for me. I enjoyed it a lot. Kind of. 

The first series is a perfect little story, with a perfect beginning, middle and end. I god damn *love* it’s characters so, so much. The plot was simple remixed 80s nostalgia beats, but really just a vehicle for you to get to know Mike and Eleven and Nancy etc. Think about how much each and every scene was practically designed to reveal more about who they were. It was so beautiful. Season 2 however had wayyyyy too much plot which was obsessed with itself and how cool it was and as a result left characters with nothing to do. In other words, in Season 1 all the characters had something to do because the plot came from them, in season 2 characters were given plot roles... like, explain to me what Mike did all season before he saw Eleven again at the v end of episode 8?? What did Jonathan’s storyline tell us about him we didn’t already know? Sure, they don’t have to set up who they are all over again, but the best sequels never take for granted we love the characters- they give us new reasons to love them. 

It’s clear to see whose storylines had natural progressions from season 1 and they knew where they were going, and those they had to think of something because Netflix desperately wanted another season quickly. The only original characters season 2 really worked for were Steve and Will. ‘Steve The Babysitter’ was the perfect progression for his character- him voluntarily discarding his Alpha-Jock status, seeing it was all bullshit, now his caring side comes out. Fuck, think how much you disliked Steve all of Season 1 compared to how much you love and deeply want him to be ok at the end of season 2. THAT’s good writing. His storyline was perfect for his character, it kept giving us new reasons to love him. And Will. Holy shit. His descent into Reagan-level possession was the most engaging part of season 2. Basically all of the story came from him. And Noah Schnapp is so damn good. I think simplicity is the key. His story was unpredictable till the last moments, when you realise it was inevitable. It has a clear premise, unlike most of season 2. 

In the first, there were very clear overarching premises from the start- Will Byers is missing, Eleven has escaped from the Lab, the Demogorgon is on the loose. Simple premises that allow our characters to manoeuvre around... Season 2 doesn’t really have one other than Will is clearly still connected to the Upside Down... the Mind Flayer doesn’t really start as a concept till the penultimate episode... Hopper and Eleven living together maybbe?? but we’re not really given enough time with them. Everyone else is left with nothing to do, or something that doesn’t really serve their character... UNTIL THE LAST 15 MINUTES.

The Snowball epilogue was like coming to the surface after swimming laps underwater- I sort of enjoyed the laps but I’d rather just be able to breath. All the self-indulgent 80s nostalgia *plot* is done, and all the characters have interesting things to do!! Steve giving Dustin tips dropping him off, and then that longing look he gives towards the hall. Dustin realising ‘I don’t look like Steve Harrington’ after being rejected by every girl at the ball and dejectedly crying... and in comes Nancy to save the day!! Genuinely one of the most beautiful moments in anything all year (notice how we learn more about Nancy’s true nature in this one moment that anything else she really did all season??) Jonathan nearby keeping an eye on Will and being his helpful self taking the Ball pictures. Lucas ignoring what the rest of the group think about Max and asking her to dance. Will actually going to the ball, acting as normal as he can and dancing with someone!! Joyce and Hopper nervously wait outside and reminiscently share a smoke as they did in their highschool days- contemplating on how they probably won’t ever feel like they aren’t worried about their kids... and finally Mike and Eleven just having a bit of happiness for once- actually going to the Snowball together, a beautiful conclusion after speaking about it at the end of Season 1.

As each moment passed in this glorious sequence, I loved the characters more and more. They aren’t doing anything supernatural or life threatening, but the stakes feel SO much higher than they had all season. It’s real. They aren’t shackled with ‘advancing the plot’, they can just be themselves. And I loved it.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:

Time’s Arrow, Episode 11, BoJack Horseman Season 4 (created by Raphael Bob-Waksberg)

BoJack Horseman has been the most visually beautiful cartoon for a while now, it’s breathtaking season 3 silent underwater adventure Fish out of Water helped to gain it much appreciated wide applause. Time’s Arrow is a different beast. Genuinely horrifying. A mind cracked into a thousand pieces and glued back together into something resembling crazy paving. The animation is disturbing. Really disturbing. The nightmarish images running through the failing mind of an old woman with dementia. Images of her regrets, the neglect and abuse at the hands of her parents. Memories burn and melt away like plastic in a fire. The faceless humans and constant scribble over Henrietta’s face haunts me. Beyond the obvious sinister imagery, it means something. A puzzle with too many missing pieces to really make out what the picture actually is. And we’ll never really know.

It’s not the first thing that pops into mind when you think of ‘cinematography’, but Time’s Arrow is the best visual storytelling since... the previous season of BoJack Horseman.

BEST PERFORMANCES:

Cate Blanchett as various in MANIFESTO (directed by Julian Rosefeldt)

Originally a critically acclaimed multi-screen video installation in which Cate Blanchett plays 13 different characters, ranging from a school teacher to a homeless man, performing artist’s manifestos in 13 different scenarios. Part of the financing deal was Rosefeldt had to cut a 90 minute, linear version of the piece for a cinematic setting.

NO one could have pulled this off like she did. She’s running on adrenaline and pure bravery. She makes interesting choices at every twist and turn. How does looking at her never get tiresome? Every jump from character to character feels genuine. She blew my mind- I knew I was looking at the same person over and over again, but I also *knew* I was looking at 13 different people. 

A masterclass.

Kyle MacLachlan as various in TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN (directed by David Lynch)

2017 is the year of staggering ‘multi-character’ performances. Kyle MacLachlan’s involvement in the new season of Twin Peaks was basically the only thing anyone knew about it going in. And he is the heart of this season in so many ways. Returning to a character 25 years later must be a daunting prospect, but MacLachlan shows no fear. Not only does he play the pragmatic, joyful Agent Cooper we all know and love, he plays his steely, pure evil doppelganger Mr C, child-like amnesiac Dougie Jones and in the final episode... someone quite special. And he makes it look so damn easy. He is the fabric that holds together The Return.

THE ‘KIDS’ in EVERYTHING

2017 has been a bad year for Hollywood. Ultimately though, it will be looked back on as the turning point. THINGS CHANGE NOW. The old guard is running from their past scared. And they should be scared. Uma Thurman is coming to murder them all. There is no room left for the Harvey Weinstein’s, the rotting core of top-down abuse has been exposed. Brett Ratner can fuck off with his swaggering playboy image and terrible movies. 

What is truly uplifting is who is going to replace them. A new generation of pure, true artists that this year has shone a spotlight on.

The future is Brooklynn Prince and Bria Vinaite, stars of The Florida Project. The future is Timothée Chalamet, whose central performance in Call Me By Your Name is the realist, rawest thing ever. The future is Saoirse Ronan, the next Meryl Streep. The future is Daniel Kaluuya, who has finally gained world-wide recognition for his stunning leading performance in Get Out. The future is Finn Wolfhard, Millie Bobby Brown and all of the kids from Stranger Things, who masterfully manage the horrific pressures of being thrust into the tabloid spotlight at the same age most of us just want to cry in our rooms. The future is Sophia Lillis and the rest of the Loser’s Club from IT (a film with the most oppressively terrible sound design ever yet they still manage to make it fun and watchable.) The future is Daphne Keen, the best on-screen cereal-eater who almost steals the film from Hugh Jackman in Logan. The future is Lucas Hedges, someone with rare human fingerprint over every word he speaks in Three Billboards and last year in Manchester By The Sea. The future is Donald Glover, the most creative, multi-talented young artist alive. The future is Caleb Landry Jones, who’s had maybe the most impressive year, with standout supporting roles in The Florida Project, Twin Peaks: The Return, Get Out and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. The future is Tessa Thompson, the best thing about Thor: Ragnarok.  The future is Michael B. Jordan, Chadwick Boseman, Lupita Nyong'o, all the team behind the upcoming Black Panther film, helmed by Ryan Coogler. The future is Barry Jenkins, director of best picture winner Moonlight. The future is Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Adam Driver and Kelly Marie Tran, the new faces of the most popular franchise ever. The future is Alice Lowe, a force to be reckoned with. Writing, directing and starring in a feature film is difficult enough. She did all of that while heavily pregnant. Oh, and it was her debut feature. It’s called Prevenge and it rocks. The future is Ava Duvernay, a beacon of hope- cannot wait for A Wrinkle in Time, which drops early next year. The future is Sean Baker, the most empathetic filmmaker working today. The future is Patty Jenkins and Gal Godot who have revolutionised the superhero film and inspired a generation of little girls with Wonder Woman.  The future is Kumail Nanjiani and Zoe Kazan, who I’ll follow in whatever they do after The Big Sick. The Future is Jordan Peele, the most exciting new director. The future is GRETA GERWIG, mumblecore queen turned saviour of cinema.

So, what did I learn this year? Well, Agent Dale Cooper is certainly one of the best characters of all time. But most of all: amongst the darkness of everything that’s happened within the film industry in 2017... there’s hope.

The future is bright.

[worryinglyinnocent]

@rowofstars prompted: “F&F remix - Gold asks Belle to grab a late dinner and in the course of conversation ends up saying something that lets her know he read her latest smutty fanfic. Dealer's choice where that leads.”

This is a remix of Friendships and Fandoms, in which Belle and Gold never made the first move towards dating and went their separate ways after Star Force wrapped, only to be reunited on set a few years later. The first part can be read here.

Rated: T

=====

“Just us here in the make-up room after everyone else has gone home.” Rum gave a snort of laughter. “Feels just like old times.”

Belle smiled at him in the mirror as she carefully removed the prosthetics from the side of his face that were giving the impression of a horrifically lifelike wound. Thankfully they would not have to do such an intense make-up job the next day; Rum’s character was a magician and the gash would be healed by magic and the expertise of the special effects department in post-production, leaving him with an unblemished face for the rest of the shoot.

“Yeah, it’s been a while since it was just the two of us like this.” Belle tried to suppress a sigh at her nostalgia for the years they had spent working together on Star Force and her lament that they never took things any further whilst they had the chance. And they still weren’t taking things any further now that they had a second chance. It was as if the universe wanted them to at least try to be together, and they kept self-sabotaging.

“I was thinking, do you maybe want to get something to eat tonight?” Rum asked. His voice was completely nonchalant and matter of fact, but when she glanced up and looked at his now-clean face in the mirror, she could see a telltale nervousness in his dark brown eyes. “There’s that Thai place that’s opened up since I was last here, I’d like to check it out. Unless you’ve already been and you know it’s rubbish, of course.”

“No, no, it’s good,” Belle said hastily. “I mean, yes, I’d love to go out with you.” She cringed. “I mean, I’d love to get dinner. With you. You know what I mean.”

Rum nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Just let me get changed and we’ll go?”

“Sure!”

Rum left the make-up room in the direction of his trailer, and Belle sank down into the chair that he had just vacated with a low groan of embarrassment. Way to tell him you’re desperate there, Belle…

It wasn’t a date, she told herself crossly. He’d invited her out to eat because it was late and he was hungry and it was the polite thing to do. They were friends, friends did this kind of thing all the time. That she had a huge crush on him that had not dampened after three years apart, three years kept up solely with communication through Tumblr even if he didn’t realise that she’d worked out who he was behind his Internet handle, well, that was completely beside the point. She rested her head on the counter. These past few days whilst Rum had been filming his guest part in After Ever After had been so lovely; they had fallen back into their easy camaraderie as if Rum had never been away from Storybrooke studios, and they had been keeping the rest of the cast and crew highly entertained with reminiscences of their time together on Star Force.

“Are you ok?” Rum’s voice came around the door and Belle jumped up, grabbing her purse and racing out of the make-up room, fumbling with her keys to lock up.

“Yes, yes, I’m absolutely fine.” She beamed at him. “Ready for our date?”

Way to go, Belle…

“I’m very much looking forward to our date, actually,” Rum said. “And…” he paused, and if Belle wasn’t very much mistaken, she thought that he might be showing the hint of a shy blush. “And I’m very glad you think of it as a date.”

Belle bit her lip. Was this it? Was this the moment she’d been waiting for? That they’d both been waiting for, if Rum’s current state of mind seemed to be anything to go by? From some of his comments on her works and posts on Tumblr, she’d thought that her feelings were returned, but now this was real life, not the safe pseudo-anonymity of blogging sites, and these were things that really had to be confronted.

She held out a hand which Rum took, and the two of them made their way out of the studio together. Passing the security office, Leroy took one look at them, raised an eyebrow, and nodded approvingly.

“It took you long enough,” he remarked, and Belle had to giggle as they continued on down the road towards the new Thai place.

“I figured that it was time to bite the bullet,” Rum said. “If I didn’t ask now, then I might never have another chance.”

They entered the restaurant and were seated; it was a Tuesday night and relatively quiet in the place, and they took a table in the corner, nice and secluded.

Belle nodded, unable to stop the smile spreading over her face. The future was still up in the air, and she didn’t know what it might bring, but it didn’t matter. For the moment, they were together, they were on a date, and one of her favourite tropes of friends-to-lovers might possibly be coming true. She shook the thought away; she couldn’t afford to start getting ahead of herself. They were still on their first date and they hadn’t even kissed yet. Could she hope? Rum had held her hand for pretty much the entire walk to the restaurant and was still playing with her fingers now. The words flowed easily back and forth between them, and Belle could not stop grinning, and just enjoying the moment. The food was good and the wine was flowing, and even though they were both filming the next day, there was no sign of either of them wanting the evening to end.

“How’s Mulan?” Rum asked presently.

“She’s fine. We’ve been working on a new fanfic together; the Lacey/Stiltskin fandom is still going strong, you know.” She knew that he knew, because she knew that he’d been following her Tumblr ever since she’d first introduced him to the site. “This one charts their relationship after the end credits rolled, seeing them welcome their new addition to the family and come to terms with everything that happened during the series.”

Rum nodded. “Decorating the nursery, going to counselling sessions, vetoing each other’s baby name suggestions, that kind of thing?”

Belle nodded. “Exactly that.”

“Sounds good.”

They started talking about fanfic for a bit, and everything was going perfectly until Rum suddenly went silent.

“Rum?”

His face had gone a furious red colour, and his fingers were fidgeting along the tablecloth.

“Rum?” Belle pressed. “Are you ok?”

“I, erm, I should probably go,” he muttered. “It’s a long day tomorrow, and… stuff.”

He opened his wallet and took out a few bills, more than enough to cover their meal and tip, and practically ran out of the restaurant. Completely perturbed and more than a little worried that she had done something irretrievable to ruin their friendship and fledgling more-than-friendship, Belle grabbed her purse and hurried after him.

“Rum? Rum! What’s going on? Was it something I said?”

The one advantage to running after Rum was that he couldn’t run very fast, and she caught up to him easily on the road. His shoulders were sagging in a rather dejected manner, and Belle was completely perplexed as to what had caused this sudden u-turn in his demeanour.

“Rum? What’s up?”

He shook his head, giving her a weak smile. “It wasn’t anything you said,” he admitted finally. “It was something I said.”

“What did you say?” Belle asked, completely confused.

“Stiltskin and Lacey. Special Examination.”

He looked at her pointedly, and Belle felt her own face flame. Special Examination was her latest smutty fanfic offering, a particularly kinky one in which Lacey and Stiltskin acted out all kinds of depraved doctor-patient fantasies.

Rum had read it.

Belle had never particularly given any thought to Rum reading her fic. She knew that he must have read some of it because his online alter-ego had commented on the works, but the idea of him reading her smut fics was…

Well actually, it was pretty damn hot, and Belle felt a pull in the pit of her stomach.

“Oh,” she said. “You read it?”

Rum nodded sheepishly.

“Did you… did you enjoy it?” she asked tentatively.

Rum gave another slow nod.

“Very much so.”

“I’m very glad.”

He looked at her with what could only be described as astonishment.

“Belle, I read your smutty fanfic,” he pointed out.

“So? I wrote my smutty fanfic and put it on the Internet to be read,” Belle said. “If anyone should be embarrassed here, it’s me. I wrote an incredibly kinky story about you. And you read it. That’s normally every fanfic writer’s worst fear, that the actors whose characters they write about will somehow find their fanworks.”

Rum raised an eyebrow at her. “You say ‘normally’...”

“Well, I kind of like the idea of you reading my fanfic,” Belle admitted. “And you did say that you’d liked it…”

“It blew my mind, Belle.”

“Well…” Oh god, she couldn’t believe she was going to suggest this, but at least, if it all went wrong, they only had a few weeks to live with it before Rum could escape back to the UK. “Maybe… Maybe we could turn fiction into fact sometime?”

There was a beat of silence; if real life had been a movie then it would have been that pause in the script just before the music begins to swell when the audience was on tenterhooks.

Then Rum pressed his lips against hers, and his hands were splaying over her back, and Belle’s hands were running through his newly-short hair, and the background music playing in her head was building to a crescendo.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Rum breathed as they finally broke apart.

Belle could only grin, the avid writer in the back of her mind already plotting out the next chapter of their lives…

[party-hard-or-die]

NATO, Migrants, World Cup: Your Wednesday Evening Briefing

(Want to get this briefing by email? Here’s the sign-up.)

Good evening. Here’s the latest.

1. President Trump set an acrimonious tone for the NATO summit meeting in Brussels, calling allies “delinquent” in their military spending and urging them to more than double their expenditures.

He also accused Germany of being “captive to Russia because it’s getting so much of its energy from Russia.” (Our fact-check finds otherwise.) Chancellor Angela Merkel, who grew up under Soviet domination, issued a polite rejoinder: that now-unified Germans “can make our own policies and make our own decisions.”

Mr. Trump did sign the 23-page NATO declaration — which is critical of Russia.

The meeting wraps up Thursday, and Mr. Trump will head on to Britain, and then, on Monday, meet Vladimir Putin. Here’s the latest from his trip.

2. “He didn’t recognize me.”

There have been heartbreaking moments among the scenes of joy as dozens of children were reunited with the parents they’d been separated from at the Mexico border.

Experts warn about the long-lasting psychological risks of separating families, saying the trauma and effects can last for generations.

The government said that hundreds of families (wearing monitoring devices) would be released into the country, effectively returning to the Obama administration approach it referred to as “catch and release.”

3. If.

Were the special counsel, Robert Mueller, to issue a subpoena to President Trump, the conflict could reach the Supreme Court.

And if Mr. Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, center, is confirmed, he could find himself in the middle of an issue he has been wrestling with for most of his adult life: whether presidents should be forced to take questions from prosecutors.

It’s not the only question weighing over the Supreme Court vacancy: His nomination fight has only intensified the existing forces of the 2018 midterm elections.

_____

4. “They took care of each other well.”

A Thai public health official praised the rescued soccer team, especially its coach, for fortitude and resilience.

The 12 players and their coach are all under close examination, and the signs are good: One boy has mild pneumonia, but none seems to have contracted the rare, serious bacterial infections that doctors had worried about.

There are still fears for their psychological health, but so far, they are sleeping and haven’t needed anti-anxiety medication.

_____

5. Twitter said it would remove tens of millions of suspicious accounts starting Thursday, in an effort to restore user trust.

Those who have purchased fake followers in an effort to boost their online presence, and others who are followed by suspicious accounts, will see their followings shrink.

Twitter credited The Times’s investigation this year about fake followers as helping persuade the company to take action.

We’ll keep watch for interesting cases.

_____

6. First came solar panels and washing machines. Then steel and aluminum.

President Trump’s tariff dispute has continued to escalate, with China retaliating and billions of dollars worth of goods affected. Here’s our interactive look at how the trade war grew from 18 products to 10,000.

Separately, we asked Canadian readers to share their thoughts on boycotting U.S. goods and travel. As one put it: “Sure I miss Twizzlers, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

7. Croatia clinched a spot in the World Cup final for the first time.

Thanks to a goal by Mario Mandzukic in the second period of extra time, the team beat England, 2-1.

On Sunday, Croatia will face France in the title match, while England and Belgium battle for third. Our full World Cup coverage is here.

P.S. You may have noticed England’s captain, Harry Kane, rinsing his mouth and spitting. Many players do the same. Because they’re tricking their brains.

_____

8. Two major scientific developments:

For the first time, scientists have found a way to quickly and effectively remove genes from white blood cells and swap in beneficial replacements.

That could open up profound new possibilities sometime in the future for treating diseases including cancer, H.I.V., autoimmune conditions like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.

And experiments found that transplants of the tiny cellular organelles known as mitochondria can, in some cases, help save badly damaged organs, including the heart and the brain.

_____

9. With technology addiction on everyone’s mind, Apple is set to debut a new app, Screen Time, meant to help limit users’ phone time.

Our tech columnist gave it a whirl and enlisted a screen-addicted teenager (his editor’s “screenage” daughter, above) to help him out.

Spoiler alert: He fared worse.

_____

10. Finally, late-night hosts joined in the celebration about the Thai rescue — and some found a political edge.

“Everybody loves this story,” Stephen Colbert said. “Are you listening, Mr. President? Freeing children makes people like you!”

Sacha Baron Cohen, who has been preparing a new show, has been taking aim at politicians, too. Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate, complained that he had duped her, and a trailer shows former Vice President Dick Cheney autographing a “waterboard kit.”

Have a great evening.

Your Evening Briefing is posted at 6 p.m. Eastern.

And don’t miss Your Morning Briefing. Sign up here to get it by email in the Australian, Asian, European or American morning.

Want to catch up on past briefings? You can browse them here.

What did you like? What do you want to see here? Let us know at briefing@nytimes.com.

The post NATO, Migrants, World Cup: Your Wednesday Evening Briefing appeared first on World The News.

from World The News https://ift.tt/2ma1g59 via Breaking News

[dani-qrt]

NATO, Migrants, World Cup: Your Wednesday Evening Briefing

(Want to get this briefing by email? Here’s the sign-up.)

Good evening. Here’s the latest.

1. President Trump set an acrimonious tone for the NATO summit meeting in Brussels, calling allies “delinquent” in their military spending and urging them to more than double their expenditures.

He also accused Germany of being “captive to Russia because it’s getting so much of its energy from Russia.” (Our fact-check finds otherwise.) Chancellor Angela Merkel, who grew up under Soviet domination, issued a polite rejoinder: that now-unified Germans “can make our own policies and make our own decisions.”

Mr. Trump did sign the 23-page NATO declaration — which is critical of Russia.

The meeting wraps up Thursday, and Mr. Trump will head on to Britain, and then, on Monday, meet Vladimir Putin. Here’s the latest from his trip.

2. “He didn’t recognize me.”

There have been heartbreaking moments among the scenes of joy as dozens of children were reunited with the parents they’d been separated from at the Mexico border.

Experts warn about the long-lasting psychological risks of separating families, saying the trauma and effects can last for generations.

The government said that hundreds of families (wearing monitoring devices) would be released into the country, effectively returning to the Obama administration approach it referred to as “catch and release.”

3. If.

Were the special counsel, Robert Mueller, to issue a subpoena to President Trump, the conflict could reach the Supreme Court.

And if Mr. Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, center, is confirmed, he could find himself in the middle of an issue he has been wrestling with for most of his adult life: whether presidents should be forced to take questions from prosecutors.

It’s not the only question weighing over the Supreme Court vacancy: His nomination fight has only intensified the existing forces of the 2018 midterm elections.

_____

4. “They took care of each other well.”

A Thai public health official praised the rescued soccer team, especially its coach, for fortitude and resilience.

The 12 players and their coach are all under close examination, and the signs are good: One boy has mild pneumonia, but none seems to have contracted the rare, serious bacterial infections that doctors had worried about.

There are still fears for their psychological health, but so far, they are sleeping and haven’t needed anti-anxiety medication.

_____

5. Twitter said it would remove tens of millions of suspicious accounts starting Thursday, in an effort to restore user trust.

Those who have purchased fake followers in an effort to boost their online presence, and others who are followed by suspicious accounts, will see their followings shrink.

Twitter credited The Times’s investigation this year about fake followers as helping persuade the company to take action.

We’ll keep watch for interesting cases.

_____

6. First came solar panels and washing machines. Then steel and aluminum.

President Trump’s tariff dispute has continued to escalate, with China retaliating and billions of dollars worth of goods affected. Here’s our interactive look at how the trade war grew from 18 products to 10,000.

Separately, we asked Canadian readers to share their thoughts on boycotting U.S. goods and travel. As one put it: “Sure I miss Twizzlers, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

7. Croatia clinched a spot in the World Cup final for the first time.

Thanks to a goal by Mario Mandzukic in the second period of extra time, the team beat England, 2-1.

On Sunday, Croatia will face France in the title match, while England and Belgium battle for third. Our full World Cup coverage is here.

P.S. You may have noticed England’s captain, Harry Kane, rinsing his mouth and spitting. Many players do the same. Because they’re tricking their brains.

_____

8. Two major scientific developments:

For the first time, scientists have found a way to quickly and effectively remove genes from white blood cells and swap in beneficial replacements.

That could open up profound new possibilities sometime in the future for treating diseases including cancer, H.I.V., autoimmune conditions like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.

And experiments found that transplants of the tiny cellular organelles known as mitochondria can, in some cases, help save badly damaged organs, including the heart and the brain.

_____

9. With technology addiction on everyone’s mind, Apple is set to debut a new app, Screen Time, meant to help limit users’ phone time.

Our tech columnist gave it a whirl and enlisted a screen-addicted teenager (his editor’s “screenage” daughter, above) to help him out.

Spoiler alert: He fared worse.

_____

10. Finally, late-night hosts joined in the celebration about the Thai rescue — and some found a political edge.

“Everybody loves this story,” Stephen Colbert said. “Are you listening, Mr. President? Freeing children makes people like you!”

Sacha Baron Cohen, who has been preparing a new show, has been taking aim at politicians, too. Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate, complained that he had duped her, and a trailer shows former Vice President Dick Cheney autographing a “waterboard kit.”

Have a great evening.

Your Evening Briefing is posted at 6 p.m. Eastern.

And don’t miss Your Morning Briefing. Sign up here to get it by email in the Australian, Asian, European or American morning.

Want to catch up on past briefings? You can browse them here.

What did you like? What do you want to see here? Let us know at briefing@nytimes.com.

The post NATO, Migrants, World Cup: Your Wednesday Evening Briefing appeared first on World The News.

from World The News https://ift.tt/2ma1g59 via Online News

[newestbalance]

NATO, Migrants, World Cup: Your Wednesday Evening Briefing

(Want to get this briefing by email? Here’s the sign-up.)

Good evening. Here’s the latest.

1. President Trump set an acrimonious tone for the NATO summit meeting in Brussels, calling allies “delinquent” in their military spending and urging them to more than double their expenditures.

He also accused Germany of being “captive to Russia because it’s getting so much of its energy from Russia.” (Our fact-check finds otherwise.) Chancellor Angela Merkel, who grew up under Soviet domination, issued a polite rejoinder: that now-unified Germans “can make our own policies and make our own decisions.”

Mr. Trump did sign the 23-page NATO declaration — which is critical of Russia.

The meeting wraps up Thursday, and Mr. Trump will head on to Britain, and then, on Monday, meet Vladimir Putin. Here’s the latest from his trip.

2. “He didn’t recognize me.”

There have been heartbreaking moments among the scenes of joy as dozens of children were reunited with the parents they’d been separated from at the Mexico border.

Experts warn about the long-lasting psychological risks of separating families, saying the trauma and effects can last for generations.

The government said that hundreds of families (wearing monitoring devices) would be released into the country, effectively returning to the Obama administration approach it referred to as “catch and release.”

3. If.

Were the special counsel, Robert Mueller, to issue a subpoena to President Trump, the conflict could reach the Supreme Court.

And if Mr. Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, center, is confirmed, he could find himself in the middle of an issue he has been wrestling with for most of his adult life: whether presidents should be forced to take questions from prosecutors.

It’s not the only question weighing over the Supreme Court vacancy: His nomination fight has only intensified the existing forces of the 2018 midterm elections.

_____

4. “They took care of each other well.”

A Thai public health official praised the rescued soccer team, especially its coach, for fortitude and resilience.

The 12 players and their coach are all under close examination, and the signs are good: One boy has mild pneumonia, but none seems to have contracted the rare, serious bacterial infections that doctors had worried about.

There are still fears for their psychological health, but so far, they are sleeping and haven’t needed anti-anxiety medication.

_____

5. Twitter said it would remove tens of millions of suspicious accounts starting Thursday, in an effort to restore user trust.

Those who have purchased fake followers in an effort to boost their online presence, and others who are followed by suspicious accounts, will see their followings shrink.

Twitter credited The Times’s investigation this year about fake followers as helping persuade the company to take action.

We’ll keep watch for interesting cases.

_____

6. First came solar panels and washing machines. Then steel and aluminum.

President Trump’s tariff dispute has continued to escalate, with China retaliating and billions of dollars worth of goods affected. Here’s our interactive look at how the trade war grew from 18 products to 10,000.

Separately, we asked Canadian readers to share their thoughts on boycotting U.S. goods and travel. As one put it: “Sure I miss Twizzlers, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

7. Croatia clinched a spot in the World Cup final for the first time.

Thanks to a goal by Mario Mandzukic in the second period of extra time, the team beat England, 2-1.

On Sunday, Croatia will face France in the title match, while England and Belgium battle for third. Our full World Cup coverage is here.

P.S. You may have noticed England’s captain, Harry Kane, rinsing his mouth and spitting. Many players do the same. Because they’re tricking their brains.

_____

8. Two major scientific developments:

For the first time, scientists have found a way to quickly and effectively remove genes from white blood cells and swap in beneficial replacements.

That could open up profound new possibilities sometime in the future for treating diseases including cancer, H.I.V., autoimmune conditions like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.

And experiments found that transplants of the tiny cellular organelles known as mitochondria can, in some cases, help save badly damaged organs, including the heart and the brain.

_____

9. With technology addiction on everyone’s mind, Apple is set to debut a new app, Screen Time, meant to help limit users’ phone time.

Our tech columnist gave it a whirl and enlisted a screen-addicted teenager (his editor’s “screenage” daughter, above) to help him out.

Spoiler alert: He fared worse.

_____

10. Finally, late-night hosts joined in the celebration about the Thai rescue — and some found a political edge.

“Everybody loves this story,” Stephen Colbert said. “Are you listening, Mr. President? Freeing children makes people like you!”

Sacha Baron Cohen, who has been preparing a new show, has been taking aim at politicians, too. Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate, complained that he had duped her, and a trailer shows former Vice President Dick Cheney autographing a “waterboard kit.”

Have a great evening.

Your Evening Briefing is posted at 6 p.m. Eastern.

And don’t miss Your Morning Briefing. Sign up here to get it by email in the Australian, Asian, European or American morning.

Want to catch up on past briefings? You can browse them here.

What did you like? What do you want to see here? Let us know at briefing@nytimes.com.

The post NATO, Migrants, World Cup: Your Wednesday Evening Briefing appeared first on World The News.

from World The News https://ift.tt/2ma1g59 via Everyday News

[michaelchinworcester]

Improve Your Muay Thai Now: How Master Toddy Trains Champions, Part 1

In a universe populated by hardened ex-champs who have about as much personality as a worn-out boxing glove, muay Thai authority Master Toddy stands out. A jovial fellow, he’s as entertaining a host as one could hope for in the martial arts. But put him on a mat with his students or in the corner with one of his Thai boxers, and he transforms into a fighting fiend.

That’s where Master Toddy shines as a maker of champions — including American men and women who’ve actually traveled to Thailand and beat the Thais at their own game. His success speaks volumes about the validity of his unorthodox methods and beliefs. In this article, Toddy shares some of the kickboxing secrets that have propelled him to the top of the muay Thai world.

— Editor

ON SHY STUDENTS

During the 16 years he spent in Manchester, England, and the 15-plus years he spent in the United States, Master Toddy has learned that you don’t have to be a big bruiser to be a good martial artist.

“When I was in England, there was nothing — they weren’t even allowed to teach muay Thai because they thought it was too violent,” he says. “I had to teach them everything — discipline, how to slow down, how to fight smart. I had to show them muay Thai isn’t about street fighting.

“Most people who do martial arts are shy. They’re nice people who’ve been pushed around, and they want to protect themselves. They’ll fight if they have to, but they don’t want to do it. That’s why martial arts competition has rules and why shy people can become great martial artists. That was the lesson I brought to England.”

ON SUCCESS

Master Toddy was a hit in the United Kingdom, and he soon noticed that American champs were just as interested in what he had to offer. “They wanted to learn how to do muay Thai and defend against the leg kick because [25] years ago in America, they didn’t have muay Thai,” he says. “They had kickboxing, but it’s very different. When they faced a muay Thai stylist, they’d get hit with leg kicks or elbows.

“I decided to come to America to expand muay Thai, to show that it can be done properly and that it’s not a violent sport. The first thing I did was work with the Nevada Athletic Commission to get permission to include elbows and knees. We did the first show in 1995, and it went very well. It started growing. I was successful because I’m a very positive person. Every day I tell my people how important it is to be positive.”

Silat for the Street is an online video course from Black Belt Hall of Famer Burton Richardson and Black Belt mag. Learn the most functional silat techniques whenever and wherever you want on your smartphone, tablet or computer. Get more info here!

ON BIG NAMES

Master Toddy has trained plenty of well-known fighters over the years, including Maurice Smith, Tito Ortiz, Bob Sapp, Gary Goodridge and a host of K-1 regulars. “Most of them were already champions,” Toddy says. “After they had a hard fight, they would come to me because of my coaching record.

“For example, Bob Sapp came to see me. I trained him in one punch. He went out into the ring and got a first-round knockout with that punch. Then Gary Goodridge came and trained for one of the biggest fights in his career, against a K-1 champion. Gary knocked him out in the first round.

“Once they believe in it, they win. It’s mental programming. It’s not about the kicking and punching; it’s about connecting.”

Master Toddy

ON CONNECTING

“It takes me 20 to 30 minutes to evaluate a fighter,” Master Toddy says. “I talk to him until we click. I find out if he has long arms and long legs and how he moves.

“For example, I might see that he’s got a lot of potential in his right hand. So we train, and I develop his right hand. I don’t train every punch and kick; I train him to use his other techniques to set up his right hand. After every kick, I want him to say to himself, ‘My right hand is ready.’ I want him to have confidence in it.

“In training, he throws a roundhouse kick, and his right hand is ready. He throws a left hand, and his right hand is ready. Then, when I say, ‘Now!’ he does it. At that moment, he and I have to be connected. I have to believe in his right hand. If he feels it, I can feel it. That’s how he can win.”

ON MONKS

“When I was a monk in Thailand, my chief monk taught me about connecting,” he says. “He lived on top of a mountain without a car or anything. Someone suggested that I should meet him on the mountain. It took days to find him.

“While I was climbing up there, the monk ‘saw’ me. He could see everything in his mind. That’s why I believe the mind is so powerful. It’s like when parents have a connection with their kids or when the phone is ringing and you know it’s your wife calling.”

The newest release from combatives authority Kelly McCann (standing) and Black Belt magazine is called Kelly McCann Combatives 2: Stick & Ground Combat. It’s a video course you can play anytime, anywhere on your digital device. Click here to watch the trailer and then sign up.

ON HIS FIGHTERS

Once the connection is established, Master Toddy says, he doesn’t have to be present at a bout to help his fighters win. “Before the fight, they have to think about our training. Some of my fighters call me or text me.

“I do this because I have 100 or 200 fighters, and I can’t go to every single fight. If I go to some but not others, they might lose. So before one of them fights, they call me. I go into a room and meditate. I can feel it as they win the fight.”

ON HEADGEAR

Master Toddy likes to have his fighters, both male and female, wear a unique piece of head protection that features different types of foam to absorb shock.

“That way, when you get hit, you don’t get a headache because you don’t feel vibrations through the foam,” he says. “If you don’t get a headache after training, it makes you want to train longer and harder.”

ON THE HEAVY BAG

“We designed our heavy bag so that when you kick it, you dent it,” Master Toddy says. “That makes you want to land all your other kicks in the same pocket, which makes you more accurate.”

Fringe benefit: “It teaches you that if your opponent has a weak point — on his leg, for example — you should keep hitting the same spot. It’s all about psychology.”

(To be continued.)

Photos by Robert W. Young

from Black Belt» Daily » Black Belt http://ift.tt/2thYfBx via Michael Chin Worcester Systema

[johnbattlesca]

Improve Your Muay Thai Now: How Master Toddy Trains Champions, Part 1

In a universe populated by hardened ex-champs who have about as much personality as a worn-out boxing glove, muay Thai authority Master Toddy stands out. A jovial fellow, he’s as entertaining a host as one could hope for in the martial arts. But put him on a mat with his students or in the corner with one of his Thai boxers, and he transforms into a fighting fiend.

That’s where Master Toddy shines as a maker of champions — including American men and women who’ve actually traveled to Thailand and beat the Thais at their own game. His success speaks volumes about the validity of his unorthodox methods and beliefs. In this article, Toddy shares some of the kickboxing secrets that have propelled him to the top of the muay Thai world.

— Editor

ON SHY STUDENTS

During the 16 years he spent in Manchester, England, and the 15-plus years he spent in the United States, Master Toddy has learned that you don’t have to be a big bruiser to be a good martial artist.

“When I was in England, there was nothing — they weren’t even allowed to teach muay Thai because they thought it was too violent,” he says. “I had to teach them everything — discipline, how to slow down, how to fight smart. I had to show them muay Thai isn’t about street fighting.

“Most people who do martial arts are shy. They’re nice people who’ve been pushed around, and they want to protect themselves. They’ll fight if they have to, but they don’t want to do it. That’s why martial arts competition has rules and why shy people can become great martial artists. That was the lesson I brought to England.”

ON SUCCESS

Master Toddy was a hit in the United Kingdom, and he soon noticed that American champs were just as interested in what he had to offer. “They wanted to learn how to do muay Thai and defend against the leg kick because [25] years ago in America, they didn’t have muay Thai,” he says. “They had kickboxing, but it’s very different. When they faced a muay Thai stylist, they’d get hit with leg kicks or elbows.

“I decided to come to America to expand muay Thai, to show that it can be done properly and that it’s not a violent sport. The first thing I did was work with the Nevada Athletic Commission to get permission to include elbows and knees. We did the first show in 1995, and it went very well. It started growing. I was successful because I’m a very positive person. Every day I tell my people how important it is to be positive.”

Silat for the Street is an online video course from Black Belt Hall of Famer Burton Richardson and Black Belt mag. Learn the most functional silat techniques whenever and wherever you want on your smartphone, tablet or computer. Get more info here!

ON BIG NAMES

Master Toddy has trained plenty of well-known fighters over the years, including Maurice Smith, Tito Ortiz, Bob Sapp, Gary Goodridge and a host of K-1 regulars. “Most of them were already champions,” Toddy says. “After they had a hard fight, they would come to me because of my coaching record.

“For example, Bob Sapp came to see me. I trained him in one punch. He went out into the ring and got a first-round knockout with that punch. Then Gary Goodridge came and trained for one of the biggest fights in his career, against a K-1 champion. Gary knocked him out in the first round.

“Once they believe in it, they win. It’s mental programming. It’s not about the kicking and punching; it’s about connecting.”

Master Toddy

ON CONNECTING

“It takes me 20 to 30 minutes to evaluate a fighter,” Master Toddy says. “I talk to him until we click. I find out if he has long arms and long legs and how he moves.

“For example, I might see that he’s got a lot of potential in his right hand. So we train, and I develop his right hand. I don’t train every punch and kick; I train him to use his other techniques to set up his right hand. After every kick, I want him to say to himself, ‘My right hand is ready.’ I want him to have confidence in it.

“In training, he throws a roundhouse kick, and his right hand is ready. He throws a left hand, and his right hand is ready. Then, when I say, ‘Now!’ he does it. At that moment, he and I have to be connected. I have to believe in his right hand. If he feels it, I can feel it. That’s how he can win.”

ON MONKS

“When I was a monk in Thailand, my chief monk taught me about connecting,” he says. “He lived on top of a mountain without a car or anything. Someone suggested that I should meet him on the mountain. It took days to find him.

“While I was climbing up there, the monk ‘saw’ me. He could see everything in his mind. That’s why I believe the mind is so powerful. It’s like when parents have a connection with their kids or when the phone is ringing and you know it’s your wife calling.”

The newest release from combatives authority Kelly McCann (standing) and Black Belt magazine is called Kelly McCann Combatives 2: Stick & Ground Combat. It’s a video course you can play anytime, anywhere on your digital device. Click here to watch the trailer and then sign up.

ON HIS FIGHTERS

Once the connection is established, Master Toddy says, he doesn’t have to be present at a bout to help his fighters win. “Before the fight, they have to think about our training. Some of my fighters call me or text me.

“I do this because I have 100 or 200 fighters, and I can’t go to every single fight. If I go to some but not others, they might lose. So before one of them fights, they call me. I go into a room and meditate. I can feel it as they win the fight.”

ON HEADGEAR

Master Toddy likes to have his fighters, both male and female, wear a unique piece of head protection that features different types of foam to absorb shock.

“That way, when you get hit, you don’t get a headache because you don’t feel vibrations through the foam,” he says. “If you don’t get a headache after training, it makes you want to train longer and harder.”

ON THE HEAVY BAG

“We designed our heavy bag so that when you kick it, you dent it,” Master Toddy says. “That makes you want to land all your other kicks in the same pocket, which makes you more accurate.”

Fringe benefit: “It teaches you that if your opponent has a weak point — on his leg, for example — you should keep hitting the same spot. It’s all about psychology.”

(To be continued.)

Photos by Robert W. Young

from Black Belt» Daily » Black Belt http://www.blackbeltmag.com/daily/traditional-martial-arts-training/muay-thai/improve-your-muay-thai-now-how-master-toddy-trains-champions-part-1/ Improve Your Muay Thai Now: How Master Toddy Trains Champions, Part 1 published first on http://thrandythefabulous.tumblr.com

[thrandythefabulous]

Improve Your Muay Thai Now: How Master Toddy Trains Champions, Part 1

In a universe populated by hardened ex-champs who have about as much personality as a worn-out boxing glove, muay Thai authority Master Toddy stands out. A jovial fellow, he’s as entertaining a host as one could hope for in the martial arts. But put him on a mat with his students or in the corner with one of his Thai boxers, and he transforms into a fighting fiend.

That’s where Master Toddy shines as a maker of champions — including American men and women who’ve actually traveled to Thailand and beat the Thais at their own game. His success speaks volumes about the validity of his unorthodox methods and beliefs. In this article, Toddy shares some of the kickboxing secrets that have propelled him to the top of the muay Thai world.

— Editor

ON SHY STUDENTS

During the 16 years he spent in Manchester, England, and the 15-plus years he spent in the United States, Master Toddy has learned that you don’t have to be a big bruiser to be a good martial artist.

“When I was in England, there was nothing — they weren’t even allowed to teach muay Thai because they thought it was too violent,” he says. “I had to teach them everything — discipline, how to slow down, how to fight smart. I had to show them muay Thai isn’t about street fighting.

“Most people who do martial arts are shy. They’re nice people who’ve been pushed around, and they want to protect themselves. They’ll fight if they have to, but they don’t want to do it. That’s why martial arts competition has rules and why shy people can become great martial artists. That was the lesson I brought to England.”

ON SUCCESS

Master Toddy was a hit in the United Kingdom, and he soon noticed that American champs were just as interested in what he had to offer. “They wanted to learn how to do muay Thai and defend against the leg kick because [25] years ago in America, they didn’t have muay Thai,” he says. “They had kickboxing, but it’s very different. When they faced a muay Thai stylist, they’d get hit with leg kicks or elbows.

“I decided to come to America to expand muay Thai, to show that it can be done properly and that it’s not a violent sport. The first thing I did was work with the Nevada Athletic Commission to get permission to include elbows and knees. We did the first show in 1995, and it went very well. It started growing. I was successful because I’m a very positive person. Every day I tell my people how important it is to be positive.”

Silat for the Street is an online video course from Black Belt Hall of Famer Burton Richardson and Black Belt mag. Learn the most functional silat techniques whenever and wherever you want on your smartphone, tablet or computer. Get more info here!

ON BIG NAMES

Master Toddy has trained plenty of well-known fighters over the years, including Maurice Smith, Tito Ortiz, Bob Sapp, Gary Goodridge and a host of K-1 regulars. “Most of them were already champions,” Toddy says. “After they had a hard fight, they would come to me because of my coaching record.

“For example, Bob Sapp came to see me. I trained him in one punch. He went out into the ring and got a first-round knockout with that punch. Then Gary Goodridge came and trained for one of the biggest fights in his career, against a K-1 champion. Gary knocked him out in the first round.

“Once they believe in it, they win. It’s mental programming. It’s not about the kicking and punching; it’s about connecting.”

Master Toddy

ON CONNECTING

“It takes me 20 to 30 minutes to evaluate a fighter,” Master Toddy says. “I talk to him until we click. I find out if he has long arms and long legs and how he moves.

“For example, I might see that he’s got a lot of potential in his right hand. So we train, and I develop his right hand. I don’t train every punch and kick; I train him to use his other techniques to set up his right hand. After every kick, I want him to say to himself, ‘My right hand is ready.’ I want him to have confidence in it.

“In training, he throws a roundhouse kick, and his right hand is ready. He throws a left hand, and his right hand is ready. Then, when I say, ‘Now!’ he does it. At that moment, he and I have to be connected. I have to believe in his right hand. If he feels it, I can feel it. That’s how he can win.”

ON MONKS

“When I was a monk in Thailand, my chief monk taught me about connecting,” he says. “He lived on top of a mountain without a car or anything. Someone suggested that I should meet him on the mountain. It took days to find him.

“While I was climbing up there, the monk ‘saw’ me. He could see everything in his mind. That’s why I believe the mind is so powerful. It’s like when parents have a connection with their kids or when the phone is ringing and you know it’s your wife calling.”

The newest release from combatives authority Kelly McCann (standing) and Black Belt magazine is called Kelly McCann Combatives 2: Stick & Ground Combat. It’s a video course you can play anytime, anywhere on your digital device. Click here to watch the trailer and then sign up.

ON HIS FIGHTERS

Once the connection is established, Master Toddy says, he doesn’t have to be present at a bout to help his fighters win. “Before the fight, they have to think about our training. Some of my fighters call me or text me.

“I do this because I have 100 or 200 fighters, and I can’t go to every single fight. If I go to some but not others, they might lose. So before one of them fights, they call me. I go into a room and meditate. I can feel it as they win the fight.”

ON HEADGEAR

Master Toddy likes to have his fighters, both male and female, wear a unique piece of head protection that features different types of foam to absorb shock.

“That way, when you get hit, you don’t get a headache because you don’t feel vibrations through the foam,” he says. “If you don’t get a headache after training, it makes you want to train longer and harder.”

ON THE HEAVY BAG

“We designed our heavy bag so that when you kick it, you dent it,” Master Toddy says. “That makes you want to land all your other kicks in the same pocket, which makes you more accurate.”

Fringe benefit: “It teaches you that if your opponent has a weak point — on his leg, for example — you should keep hitting the same spot. It’s all about psychology.”

(To be continued.)

Photos by Robert W. Young

from Black Belt» Daily » Black Belt http://www.blackbeltmag.com/daily/traditional-martial-arts-training/muay-thai/improve-your-muay-thai-now-how-master-toddy-trains-champions-part-1/