#Team royalty

[queen-helaenas-pet-spider]

HOUSE OF THE DRAGON SPOILERS!!!

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All of the parallels between Helaemond {Helaena Targaryen x Aemond Targaryen} and Daemyra {Daemon Targaryen x Rhaenyra Targaryen} that I can remember!

Just PRAYING that they didn't also make Aemond choke Helaena, leave her naked in public, or ignore her as she's miscarrying their possible future child!!!!! 😬😬💀💀💔💔

[barbwalken]

The poke-bosses bloodborne AU because im at that point in life

[libraryofgage]

The Prince and the Metalhead

Part of: Steve Deserves Good Parents, Actually

Debbie and Fester Addams One | Two | Three | Four Rick and Evelyn O'Connell One | Two | Three Harley Quinn One 10th Doctor and Rose One | Two (on the way!) Scooby Gang (there are plans for this one lmao, so plz be patient with me orz) Jedidiah and Octavius (from Night at the Museum) One Queen Clarisse One (you're here!)

Despite the title, this series will focus a little more on Steve growing up in Genovia for the first few parts. That being said, there will be Steddie because this whole thing was inspired by my desire to write a modern royalty AU.

So, ya know, it's coming lol

For now, just enjoy Steve being raised by our favorite queen.

As always, if you see any typos, no you didn't ;)

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Clarisse stares at the two-story house from the driveway. It looks incredibly...American. It's American in a way that Amelia's home and city aren't. This house is the Ideal American Home, the kind people are told is the goal in life, the kind with no personality and no distinguishing features compared to other houses on its street. It's the kind of house she'd never see in Genovia, and she's glad for it.

"Your Majesty," Joe says, pulling her attention from the house to her driver. "If you are nervous, may I suggest returning another day?"

She knows exactly what he's doing. It still works. She still pulls herself together, rolls her shoulders back, and raises her chin. "A queen is never nervous. She is simply calculating her approach."

With that, she opens the door and gracefully (the kind of grace that comes with years of practice) steps out of the car. She smooths down her clothes, takes one more deep breath, and strides to the front door. Joe is just a step behind her, always a step behind her, as she rings the doorbell and waits.

A few moments pass, the blinds in the window next to the door shift, and then the door is pulled open. A young boy, certainly no more than ten, stands before her, looking nervously between Clarisse and Joe.

And could you blame Steve? The only visitors he gets when his parents are gone are secretaries that sweep into the home, make sure he's alive, and leave right after. Nobody rings the doorbell, nobody knocks, and nobody knows he's alone in the big house, just like his parents told him it should be.

"Hello," the lady says, her accent vaguely European and similar to his father's. "Are you Steve Harrington?"

If she knows his name, maybe she's been sent by his parents. She looks fancy enough, and the guy with her looks scary enough. Steve grips the door tighter and nods once. "Yes, ma'am," he says, his voice soft and barely a whisper so he doesn't upset her.

"Good. Is your father home?"

"No, ma'am."

That makes her pause, her lips tugging down in a frown, and Steve wonders if he's already failed whatever test this must be. His father will give them sometimes, in the rare moments he's home, and it's always to measure how polite Steve his, how proper, how cultured. This must be a new kind of test, a way for his father to further measure him. He gathers himself, takes a subtle breath, and asks, "Would you like to come in?"

"You don't know who we are," the man suddenly says. "Why are you inviting us in?"

Oh. He's failing this test already. Steve bites his lip, ducking his head. "It's polite to invite people in," he says. "But, um, could you tell me your names first?"

He glances up to see that frown on the lady's face deepen, and his stomach starts to churn. "Yes, of course," she says, clearing her throat before continuing, "I am Clarisse Renaldi, and this is Joe."

Steve looks between the two of them before slowly nodding. "Please, come in," he says, holding the door open. The two adults are hesitant but enter the home anyway, watching Steve as he shuts the door silently and locks it. "This way, please."

He leads them to the living room, looks at the books and papers spread on the coffee table, and blushes. "I'm sorry for the mess," he says, quickly sweeping everything off the coffee table and holding it close to his chest. "I was doing homework and didn't expect visitors. Please, sit. I'll get some tea."

With that, he turns on his heel and hurries out of the living room. He presses his back against the wall, eyes closed and heart racing as he listens to the man and woman talk. "He's very polite," the woman says, sounding pleased and surprised.

"Too polite," the man replies, "What ten year old says things like expecting visitors and offers to make tea?"

Steve swallows around the lump in his throat and hurries to the kitchen. He puts his papers and books on the small table there, climbs the stool in front of the sink to fill a kettle with water, and then climbs the stool in front of the stove to place it down. He turns on the burner, watching the flames jump before getting cups, a teapot, tea leaves, and a tray to place it all on.

In total, the process from heating the water to pouring it over the leaves in the pot and carrying that to the living room is no more than eight minutes. It still feels like an eternity, though, when Steve knows each second is a mark against him. "I'm sorry for making you wait," he says as he enters the living room, carefully placing the tray on the coffee table. He pours a cup for the woman first, then the man, and then himself, careful not to spill a drop.

"Did you make this yourself?" the woman asks, picking up her teacup and taking a polite sip.

When Steve nods, he gets a tiny smile in return. And then the man says, "Aren't you a little young to do these things?"

Steve has been taught how to answer questions like this, ones that imply his parents aren’t doing enough to raise him. He picks up his teacup, holding it in his hands and letting the warmth transfer to his palms. “I like making tea,” he says, keeping his voice steady, “so Mother taught me how to use the stove safely.”

Joe looks ready to say more, but Clarisse clears her throat. He shuts his mouth, picking up his own cup just to do something. “When should we expect your father, Steve?” Clarisse asks, placing her teacup back on its plate. She’s seated on the edge of the couch, her ankles tucked together so her legs are at a slant and her back perfectly straight. 

He can’t lie. If they stay, they’ll know he’s lying when his father doesn’t return. Maybe they just want to see his father, and Steve can let them think his mother will be home soon and convince them to leave before she is. He decides this is a good plan and says the extremely familiar words, “He’s away on a business trip.”

That earns him a frown, but before he can try to fix his mistake, Clarisse nods once and asks, “What about your mother, then?”

Steve tenses, dropping his gaze to his teacup and scrambling to find an answer. He swallows around the nervous lump in his throat, takes a sip of his tea, and feels his stomach twist when he still doesn’t have anything to say in response. 

“How long have your parents been gone?” Joe asks. 

The question pierces through him so harshly that Steve’s hands twitch, tea splashing over the edges of the cup and onto his fingers. He hisses at the temperature, quickly setting the cup down and getting a tissue to wipe the tea away. 

“What do you mean gone?” Clarisse asks.

“There are no cars in the driveway and no adult shoes by the door. We passed the kitchen on the way here, and only one set of dishes is in the drying rack. Stools have been placed wherever a child might need to reach something too high for them otherwise. Dust is on the shelf with adult books, but the smaller shelf with movies appropriate for children is clean, implying regular use. Finally, my men have informed me that Mr. and Mrs. Harrington boarded a plane headed for Hong Kong from London.”

Steve’s eyes widen as Joe speaks, his stomach twisting ever tighter with each word. When Clarisse looks back at him, his eyes begin to sting and he looks down at his lap. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice quiet as he clenches the hem of his shirt. 

“What on Earth are you apologizing for?” Clarisse asks, sounding so insulted that Steve shrinks in on himself. “You are not to blame for your parents’ incompetence and negligence. Of all the things your father has done, abandoning you to fend for yourself is unforgivable.”

Oh. She’s…angry for him? Steve looks up, meeting Clarisse’s eyes and wondering why she cares. And then, because he thinks she can’t possibly be any angrier, he takes a risk by asking, “Why are you here?”

Clarisse pauses, blinks twice, and then gathers herself. Her shoulders relax some, but her back remains straight. “I am Clarisse Renaldi, Queen of Genovia, and your grandmother.”

Steve stares at her, glances at Joe to see if this is some kind of joke, and then looks back when all he gets in return is a blank stare. “My…grandmother?” he asks, his voice quiet.

“Yes. Your father, Richard Harrington, is my son. He was…well, he involved himself in troublesome schemes and had to leave Genovia and the line of succession. We keep tabs on him, of course, but all contact is otherwise restricted.”

None of that surprises Steve. He’s heard his father complaining when he has a bit too much whiskey, muttering under his breath about betrayal and being forced from his home and that it was only a few million he took. 

“I…still don’t know why you’re here.”

“Yes, well, the Crown Prince of Genovia has recently passed, and you are next in the line of succession. So, I traveled here to meet you and bring you back to Genovia for a proper education befitting a Crown Prince.”

Steve is staring at his lap again, his mind turning. So much information has been given to him, and he can only focus on the part that makes his heart speed up with hesitant hope. “Would…would my parents go with us?” he asks.

“Your father is still barred from Genovia. Your mother is welcome, though.”

“Does she have to go with us?”

He looks up in time to see Clarisse pause, tilting her head as she considers him for a moment. “No, Steve, neither of your parents must accompany us,” she says.

“Will I ever be alone?”

“The royal family employs upwards of 300 staff to keep the palace running smoothly,” Joe says, nodding once to confirm that number when Steve gives him an incredulous look. 

“Members of staff will be assigned to you as well,” Clarisse adds, smiling softly when Steve returns his attention to her. “At least three maids, several private tutors, at least one playmate for social development, and a personal team of security to keep you safe.”

Something lifts from Steve’s shoulders then. He’s not stupid. He knows his parents aren’t good. He learned that last year when he realized that other kids’ parents picked them up from school and gave them hugs and surprised them with pizza nights and just smiled at them. Steve looked at those parents, thought of his own, and quietly accepted that they either sucked or he just hasn’t figured out what will make them love him yet.

A tiny part of him knows that nothing will.

“Will you be my new mother, then?” Steve asks.

He watches Clarisse’s surprised expression morph into something unsure. “I will certainly be taking on a parental role,” she says, the words slow.

Steve looks down again, trying to ignore the disappointment that stirs in him when he realizes she’s just trying to spare his feelings. She won’t be a mother; she’ll be like his teacher. She’ll be someone who makes sure he learns what he should, eats when he should, and passes him along to the appropriate person when there’s a problem. 

Still, she’s nicer than his own parents, and Steve won’t be alone if he goes to Genovia. If nothing else, it will be better than this empty house and his absent parents. “If I packed right now, can we leave?” he asks.

When Clarisse agrees, Steve excuses himself and goes to his room. 

Once he’s out of sight, Clarisse looks at Joe and says, “He’s a very mature child.”

“He shouldn’t be.”

Clarisse nods once in agreement, looking down at the teapot in front of them and wondering if Steve has ever burned himself on it. “I believe he’ll take to being royalty well,” she says.

When she looks up, Joe is frowning. “If I may speak freely, Your Majesty?” he asks. When Clarisse nods, he clears his throat. “Before he can be royalty, he needs to be a child. For his own good, he needs a parent, not someone taking on a parental role. You may not be his mother, Your Majesty, but you are his grandmother. You have the ability to give him the unconditional care and love he’s been deprived of so far.”

“I suppose you have a point,” Clarisse admits, frowning slightly in thought. “I just…”

“You are worried he will be like his father.”

“Yes.”

“He is not his father. You cannot project the wrongdoings of Richard onto Steve. It is unfair to him and you. He deserves a fresh start, one that is not burdened by his father.”

“I will think on it,” Clarisse says, already knowing she’s going to do as Joe has suggested. “In the meantime, look into parenting books. If nothing else, Steve’s maids and tutors can review their contents as he grows.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

--------------

Genovia is small, but the palace is huge. It towers over Steve like something out of a Disney movie, and he almost falls behind during the brief tour through its halls. He manages to catch up, though, meeting Clarisse’s stride just in time for her to gesture at a set of double-doors and say, “Beyond these will be your rooms.”

“Rooms?”

“Yes, more than one,” Clarisse says, smiling down at Steve as she leads him past the doors and into a sitting room. A group of people are already gathered there. Most of them are adults, but a few younger children are playing with a Lego set in the corner and a girl and boy his age are standing with the adults. “These are your personal staff members.”

Before Steve can say anything, one of the women steps forward, her smile warm and her face framed by her brown hair. “It’s nice to meet you, Your Highness. My name is Joyce. I’ll coordinate your schedule and make sure your rooms are taken care of. My husband, Jim, will be the head of your security team, and my eldest son, Jonathan, will be one of your playmates,” she says, pointing to her husband and then the boy his age.

“Feel free to call me Hopper, Your Highness,” her husband says.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jonathan adds, smiling politely in a way that Steve painfully understands as fake and forced.

Joyce steps back, and a black woman steps forward. “My name is Sue. I’ll be in charge of your education. That means I’ll be arranging your tutors, making sure your lessons match what a child your age should be learning, and overseeing your Royal Education with Her Majesty. My husband, Charles, will be your science tutor.”

Steve glances at Charles when he waves and nods in greeting. His smile, at least, seems more genuine than Jonathan’s was, and Sue is so straightforward that Steve finds it refreshing. 

The last woman steps forward. She’s a little heavier than the other two, and she’s wearing an apron that has stains smeared across it. “Wonderful to meet you, Your Highness. I’m Claudia. I’ll be in charge of your diet and medical needs. If you’re allergic to anything or just plain hate certain foods, let me know.”

She steps back, leaving only the young girl. With a grin, she moves to stand in front of Steve and holds her hand out. “Name’s Robin,” she says, “I’m supposed to be your friend, but Her Majesty and I’ve got an agreement that I can ditch you if you suck. If I stick around, I’ll be trained by Hopper to be your personal guard.”

It’s so sudden and blunt that Steve can’t stop his grin as he takes Robin’s hand and shakes once. “To make things fair,” he says, “I should get to ditch you, too.”

Her eyes light up, and Steve thinks he’s done something right, which is an odd but welcome feeling. She lets go of his hand but stays by his side, standing close enough that their shoulders brush as Clarisse gestures for Joyce to take over the tour. He’s introduced to the children playing with Legos first, bombarded with their names (Dustin, Will, El, Lucas, and Erica) and which parents they belong to, before moving on to the rooms. 

In total, he has five: the sitting room, a classroom, a small library, an empty room that he can do whatever he’d like with, and his bedroom. The bedroom has its own bathroom with a shower attached, but there are extra bathrooms in the other rooms, too. He’d count his closet as another room entirely, but he’s not ready to admit he really has six rooms. 

He’s still too overwhelmed by the giant bed and the rooms that all belong to him and this group of people that will always be around him. He turns to Clarisse, ready to thank her, when she smiles at him and says, “There is one more thing.”

Something else? There’s more? What more could there possibly be? What else could he be given? Steve watches as she walks to the door that leads into the bathroom, steps inside, and comes back out holding something that squirms slightly in her arms. 

She quickly deposits the thing in Steve’s arms, and he stares wide-eyed at the Rottweiler puppy that starts sniffing at his hands and neck. “What?” he asks.

“She’s yours, Steve. Rottweilers are very loyal dogs, so she’ll stay by your side. They’re also loyal and protective. Once she’s grown, she’ll keep you safe, too.”

“What am I then, chopped liver?” Robin asks, pouting slightly as she looks at the dog. She leans closer to it and yelps when she gets licked. 

Steve can’t help laughing, holding the dog closer to his chest. “Does she have a name?” he asks.

“Yeah! It’s Dart!”

Steve looks over his shoulder at Dustin, meeting his curly hair and slightly gummy smile. Next to him, Claudia flushes slightly and hurriedly says, “You don’t need to listen to him, Your Highness. You can name her whatever you’d like.”

“No, I think Dart is good,” Steve replies, looking down at the dog and gently scratching behind her ears. She perks up, her entire body wiggling with excitement, and Steve feels something hopeful and optimistic settle in his chest.

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Tag List (let me know if you'd like to be added to future parts!)

@y4r3luv

[cat-attack1701]

HEAVY TF2 TUMMY !! !! !!

HE HAS ARRIVED I AM SO HONORED

[cursedcrazy-starkid]

…okay but why did this clip from Royalties 2020 predict Starkid’s future method for recasting Hatchetfield characters:

…was relaxing watching Royalties for the first time enjoying all of the cameos and now I have angst

[mostlysignssomeportents]

An excerpt from The Bezzle

I'm on tour with my new novel The Bezzle! Catch me next in SALT LAKE CITY (Feb 21, Weller Book Works) and SAN DIEGO (Feb 22, Mysterious Galaxy). After that, it's LA, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix and more!

Today, I'm bringing you part one of an excerpt from Chapter 14 of The Bezzle, my next novel, which drops on Feb 20. It's an ice-cold revenge technothriller starring Martin Hench, a two-fisted forensic accountant specialized in high-tech fraud:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle

Hench is the Zelig of high-tech fraud, a character who's spent 40 years in Silicon Valley unwinding every tortured scheme hatched by tech-bros who view the spreadsheet as a teleporter that whisks other peoples' money into their own bank-accounts. This setup is allowing me to write a whole string of these books, each of which unwinds a different scam from tech's past, present and future, starting with last year's Red Team Blues (now in paperback!), a novel that whose high-intensity thriller plotline is also a masterclass in why cryptocurrency is a scam:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865854/redteamblues

Turning financial scams into entertainment is important work. Finance's most devastating defense is the Shield Of Boringness (h/t Dana Clare) – tactically deployed complexity designed to induce the state that finance bros call "MEGO" ("my eyes glaze over"). By combining jargon and obfuscation, the most monstrous criminals of our age have been able to repeatedly bring our civilization to the brink of collapse (remember 2008?) and then spin their way out of it.

Turning these schemes into entertainment is hard, necessary work, because it incinerates the respectable suit and tie and leaves the naked dishonesty of the finance sector on display for all to see. In The Big Short, they recruited Margot Robbie to explain synthetic CDOs from a bubble-bath. And John Oliver does this every week on Last Week Tonight, coming up with endlessly imaginative stunts and gags to flense the bullshit, laying the scam economy open to the bone.

This was my inspiration for the Hench novels (I've written and sold three of these, of which The Bezzle is number two; I've got at least two more planned). Could I use the same narrative tactics I used to explain mass surveillance, cryptography and infosec in the Little Brother books to turn scams into entertainment, and entertainment into the necessary, informed outrage that might precipitate change?

The main storyline in The Bezzle concerns one of the most gruesome scams in today's America: prison-tech, which sees America's vast army of prisoners being stripped of letters, calls, in-person visits, parcels, libraries and continuing ed in favor of cheap tablets that bilk prisoners and their families of eye-watering sums for every click they make:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/14/minnesota-nice/#shitty-technology-adoption-curve

But each Hench novel has a variety of side-quests that work to expose different kinds of financial chicanery. The Bezzle also contains explainers on the workings of MLMs/Ponzis (and how Gerry Ford and Betsy DeVos's father-in-law legalized one of the most destructive forces in America) and the way that oligarchs, foreign and domestic, use Real Estate Investment Trusts to hide their money and destroy our cities.

And there's a subplot about music-royalty theft, a form of pernicious wage theft that is present up and down the music industry supply-chain. This is a subject that came up a lot when Rebecca Giblin and I were researching and writing Chokepoint Capitalism, our 2022 book about creative labor markets:

https://chokepointcapitalism.com/

Two of the standout cases from that research formed the nucleus of the subplot in The Bezzle, the case of Leonard Cohen's batshit manager who stole millions from him and then went to prison for stalking him, leaving him virtually penniless and forced to keep touring to keep himself fed:

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2012/apr/19/leonard-cohen-former-manager-jailed

The other was George Clinton, whose manager forged his signature on a royalty assignment, then used the stolen money to defend himself against Clinton's attempts to wrestle his rights back and even to sue Clinton for defamation for writing about the caper in his memoir:

https://www.musicconnection.com/the-legal-beat-george-clinton-wins-defamation-case/

That's the tale that this excerpt – which I'll be serializing in six parts over the coming week – tells, in fictionalized form. It's not Margot Robbie in a bubble-bath, it's not a John Oliver monologue, but I think it's pretty goddamned good.

I'm leaving for a long, multi-city, multi-country, multi-continent tour with The Bezzle next Wednesday, starting with an event at Weller Bookworks in Salt Lake City on the 21st:

https://www.wellerbookworks.com/event/store-cory-doctorow-feb-21-630-pm

I'll in be in San Diego on the 22nd at Mysterious Galaxy:

https://www.mystgalaxy.com/22224Doctorow

And then it's on to LA (with Adam Conover), Seattle (with Neal Stephenson), Portland, Phoenix and beyond:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/16/narrative-capitalism/#bezzle-tour

I hope you'll come out for the tour (and bring your friends)!

Between 1972 and 1978, Steve Soul (a.k.a. Stefon Magner) had a string of sixteen Billboard Hot 100 singles, one of which cracked the Top 10 and won him an appearance on Soul Train. He is largely forgotten today, except by hip-­hop producers who prize his tracks as a source of deep, funky grooves. They sampled the hell out of him, not least because his rights were controlled by Inglewood Jams, a clearinghouse for obscure funk tracks that charged less than half of what the Big Three labels extracted for each sample license.

Even at that lower rate, those license payments would have set Stefon up for a comfortable retirement, especially when added to his Social Security and the disability check from Dodgers Stadium, where he cleaned floors for more than a decade before he fell down a beer-­slicked bleacher and cracked two of his lumbar discs. But Stefon didn’t get a dime. His former manager, Chuy Flores, forged his signature on a copyright assignment in 1976. Stefon didn’t discover this fact until 1979, because Chuy kept cutting him royalty checks, even as Stefon’s band broke up and those royalties trickled off. In Stefon’s telling, the band broke up because the rest of the act—­especially the three-­piece rhythm section of two percussionists and a beautiful bass player with a natural afro and a wild, infectious hip-­wiggle while she played—­were too coked up to make it to rehearsal, making their performances into shambling wreckages and their studio sessions into vicious bickerfests. To hear the band tell of it, Stefon had bad LSD (“Lead Singer Disease”) and decided he didn’t need the rest of them. One thing they all agreed on: there was no way Stefon would have signed over the band’s earnings to Chuy, who was little more than a glorified bookkeeper, with Stefon hustling all their bookings and even ordering taxis to his bandmates’ houses to make sure they showed up at the studio or the club on time. Stefon remembered October of ’79 well. He’d been waiting with dread for the envelope from Chuy. The previous royalty check, in July, had been under $250. The previous quarter’s had been over $1,000. This quarter’s might have zero. Stefon needed the money. His 1972 Ford Galaxie needed a new transmission. He couldn’t keep driving it in first.

The envelope arrived late, the day before Halloween, and for a brief moment, Stefon was overcome by an incredible, unbelieving elation: Chuy’s laboriously typewritten royalty statement ended with the miraculous figure of $7,421.16. Seven thousand dollars! It was more than two years’ royalties, all in one go! He could fix the Galaxie’s transmission and get the ragtop patched, and still have money left over for his back rent, his bar tab, his child support, and a fine steak dinner, and even then, he’d end the month with money in his savings account.

But there was no check in the envelope. Stefon shook the envelope, carefully unfolded the royalty statement to ensure that there was no check stapled to its back, went downstairs to the apartment building lobby and rechecked his mailbox.

Finally, he called Chuy.

“Chuy, man, you forgot to put a check in the envelope.”

“I didn’t forget, Steve. Read the paperwork again. You gotta send me a check.”

“What the fuck? That’s not funny, Chuy.”

“I ain’t joking, Steve. I been advancing you royalties for more than three years, but you haven’t earned nothing new since then—­no new recordings. I can’t afford to carry you no more.”

“Say what?”

Chuy explained it to him like he was a toddler. “Remember when you signed over your royalties to me in ’76? Every dime I’ve sent you since then was an advance on your future recordings, only you haven’t had none of those, so I’m cutting you off and calling in your note. I’m sorry, Steve, but I ain’t a charity. You don’t work, you don’t earn. This is America, brother. No free lunches.”

“After I did what in ’76?”

“Steve, in 1976 you signed over all your royalties to me. We agreed, man! I can’t believe you don’t remember this! You came over to my spot and I told you how it was and you said you needed money to cover the extra horns for the studio session on Fight Fire with Water. I told you I’d cover them and you’d sign over all your royalties to me.”

Stefon was briefly speechless. Chuy had paid the sidemen on that session, but that was because Chuy owed him a thousand bucks for a string of private parties they’d played for some of Chuy’s cronies. Chuy had been stiffing him for months and Stefon had agreed to swap the session fees for the horn players in exchange for wiping out the debt, which had been getting in the way of their professional relationship.

“Chuy, you know it didn’t happen that way. What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about when you signed over all your royalties to me. And you know what? I don’t like your tone. I’ve carried your ass for years now, sent you all that money out of my own pocket, and now you gotta pay up. My generosity’s run out. When you gonna send me a check?”

Of course, it was a gambit. It put Stefon on tilt, got him to say a lot of ill-­advised things over the phone, which Chuy secretly recorded. It also prompted Stefon to take a swing at Chuy, which Chuy dived on, shamming that he’d had a soft-­tissue injury in his neck, bringing suit for damages and pressing an aggravated-­assault charge.

He dropped all that once Stefon agreed not to keep on with any claims about the forged signature; Stefon went on to become a good husband, a good father, and a hard worker. And if cleaning floors at Dodgers Stadium wasn’t what he’d dreamed of when he was headlining on Soul Train, at least he never missed a game, and his boy came most weekends and watched with him. Stefon’s supervisor didn’t care.

But the stolen royalties ate at him, especially when he started hearing his licks every time he turned on the radio. His voice, even. Chuy Flores had a fully paid-­off three-­bedroom in Eagle Rock and two cars and two ex-­wives and three kids he was paying child support on, and Stefon sometimes drove past Chuy Flores’s house to look at his fancy palm trees all wrapped up in strings of Christmas lights and think about who paid for them.

ETA: Here's part two!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/17/the-steve-soul-caper/#lead-singer-disease

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

No but why is Karen and Wally bonding over being the only not rich kids on the team everything—

It's literally giving me life. The Titans, Teen or otherwise, have a serious lack of grounded characters (and not in a 'no powers = grounded' way).

Wally has always been that character. He's always been the everyday, average normal guy living among billionaires royalty and demigods. (Which is wild because he should not be that normal with his power set and abilities)

Karen and Mal were also grounded characters in the og Teen Titans (which, again, was really needed cause Dick did shit like handing strangers thousands of dollars to keep quiet about his friend's antics and Roy went off and did shit like buying a bar on a whim at 16 and Donna and Garth had no concept of money or consequences) but unfortunately the series never really explored that aspect of their characters.

But now??? Now when Roy complains that Wally doesn't have a helipad at his house Wally doesn't have to 'Jim the camera'. Wally has a whole ass person to text this shit to!!! Karen can Snapchat Wally about how Donna thinks healthcare comes from purple laser beams and has zero concept of insurance. They aren't alone!!!

And honestly I love it so much.

[sidraofthewildflowers]

𝐻𝑒𝓁𝒶𝑒𝓃𝒶 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒹𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓂𝑒𝓇

[nightswatchdisbandmentera]

As an aspiring hater, I must appreciate Jon’s dedication to the game. He literally met everyone on Team Dragonstone and just immediately hated them. The only reason he and Davos don’t have beef is because they don’t really know each other like that. But otherwise, my boy is ready to throw straight hands every time he has to deal with Mel, or the Kingsmen, and especially the Queensmen. He’s probably even ready to throw hands with Stannis himself but I think he lowkey doesn’t want to do it because that would now be abusing the elderly, which wouldn’t be very good given his track record with Thorne and Slynt.

[duchessmeow]

The two princes ❤️

This was one of my most favorite commission piece to work on☺️❤️

[kratergate]

Team ZIT Royal AU Art 2/3

Grand Knight Tango, design + lore notes under the cut!

Armor is made out of netherite as blazeborns are immune to fire and lava. Their armor design favors maneuverability, especially for the difficult terrain of the Nether.

Star motifs = Blazeborn symbol

Tango is wearing a sort of tabard over his chest plate, which holds the coat of arms of Impulse's kingdom.

His claws are red-scaled, warm at all times. The same scales are found around his eyes. (Blazeborns can emit fire and turn burning hot, fire resistance potions are essential when against them)

His halberd is designed with subtle i motifs. (I'll let you decide what That means)

The shield is designed after medieval heater shields, and also made out of crimson wood (making it durable and fireproof). Zedaph's motifs decorate the shield.

[hualian]

TGCF Donghua weibo update for the donghua reaching 500 million views 🦋

[eboyloser]

would anyone be interested in hearing about my ward/prince Varian au

[nerdyprudesmuststim]

wiggly stimboard !!

⛧ with royalty stims !

☾ rq'd by anon !

[ x x x // x x x // x x x ]

[art-cmiis]

soldier, sorcerer, king.

[randomnameless]

Land 3 and 4 done!

Elves and furries!

Or the worst double standard with Alcina's tragick backstory while Gary eats scraps, and Reimann puts devoted Fodlan fans to shame with his bias against subhumans!

Elheim was...

Very green compared to Drakengard lol, however the interactions between the characters felt... stale.

I mean, compared to the constant back and forth + exposition from Virginia about how cities are different from Cornia, who is Gilbert, the people living in the desert and all, for the first part of the plot, we just follow Rosalinde, a dark elf, to meet her sister so she we can save her from the bad guys, and ask her where is the second magic mc Guffin ring.

Sure, we rescue some villages and characters along the way, but they aren't, imo, as integrated in their setting as the Drakengard ones. Still, we find former thieves/brigands/bandits Alain decided to spare in Cornia - and apparently they want to turn over a new leaf, so when their old gang wants to sell elf ladies (young and not so young) as slaves, they rebel and we deal with them.

I guess the difference in setting/atmosphere is due to Drakengard, well, being conquered by the bad guys, but it feels like they just conquered it and left it there, not really caring about it.

In Elheim, they're still around - it can be sort of explained by the fact that Drakengard was conquered 6 years ago (Cornia, Alain's home was done in 10 years and Bastorias was subjugated 8 years ago) when the conquest of Elheim is supposed to be more recent? - but I guess it plays/is due to the main boss of this area's agenda -

Unlike Cornia and the small villages here and there, or Drakengard and the large cities sprawled on mountainsides, here the cities are located kind of far from each other, with a lot of forests/green/lakes/small mountains around - it makes for long maps without a lot of stuff to seize, but at the same time, it means you have to check your stamina more frequently so it's different enough to be a regional difference compared to the previous setting.

The units are... something - all jokes aside, having units deal both magic and physical damage was a nightmare for my poor 0 res armors lol, but I reckon they can be kind of useful with the proper setup, too bad the "proper setup" was something I never found and actually, I like how the game still gives you "human classes" enemies too (from the evil empire, like a red loldier) so you're not only fighting against elves, but also against the same kind of enemies (albeit promoted) than you did before, and they use mixed teams like ones with elves and humans, to make you sure have to still rethink your strategies and can't send the same team you used in the former land and expect the same results.

The BGM though... is sort of there - a bit disappointing compared to Drakengard's but I got a newfound appreciation after hearing the final boss' theme The Witch's World, it's not the banger Heir of the Dragonlands was but the fantasy/dream TWW conveys made me realise what Elheim was all about (hell those titles have a meaning lol) :

Drakengard's final theme is all about Gilbert reclaiming his castle and being the true heir of his country, not by birthright but when push came to shove, he stood up and restored the country. Which is why Drakengard had some exposition and character drama centered on Gilbert, his family and helping him.

Elheim is, as sad as it is... all about Alcina's fantasy/dream, her downfall and a sense of tragedy, both because of what she used to be, and what she actually did for the sake of her dream.

Regarding Alcina, I'll try to keep the sodium levels to minimum but :

@megafan1993 I know your comment wasn't under an Unicorn Overlord post lol, but this is basically my feelings regarding Alcina, and the comparison with the boss of the following arc stings even more, all things considered.

Who is Alcina?

A witch who acted as the court witch/mage of Cornia (MC's land!) who has the "uses magic to not grow old too fast but will eventually" syndrome, and was around during the time of MC's grandpa, a dude named Gerard.

King Gerard knew how to use his sword very well - to the point of being called a sword saint! - and liked to use it "for the good of the people", but he was the kind of guy who didn't like doing King work, found his coronation a nice distraction and didn't like when his PM modified his bills/papers etc etc. Pissed with the life of a King, especially since he felt like he couldn't do what he wanted, he left the land, without warning anyone, to explore "Cornia" and see what her people needs, only taking Alcina with him : effectively ditching the country - but no worries, his father was still around !

Exploring the land, Gerard finds himself in an ambush/skirmish against Drakengard - the neighoubing nations with whom Cornia has had border issues/problems for centuries - and takes an arrow meant for Alcina, thus dies unceremonously.

Alcina returns to Cornia and people are starting rumours, like how she had been the king's "favourite" and how the situation sucks, because now Gerard left his kid daughter* (whom he never mentionned even once in all of his voiced lines) Ilenia (MC's mom) alone to assume the role of the ruler of Cornia**.

Now, Alcina was pretty much in luf with King Gerard, so much that when Ilenia faces a rebellion (aka the prologue) and asks for her help, Alcina accepts to help her, because Ilenia is King Gerard's daughter.

Then...

Ilenia is supposedly "dead", Cornia has fallen and the Gharnef-like Baltro tells her (or she deduces it herself?) that his magic doesn't turn people crazy, but use people as mediums to put foreign/other souls inside them and take control of the bodies. It's more like a channeling magic.

Seeing the possibility to be reunited with her Gerard-poo again, Alcina switches sides and joins with the evil Zenoiran Empire, but she has her own agenda you see?

Alain lived peacefully on a small island because Alcina, who knew where he was, never told anything to the evil Zenoiran Empire people. It's not out of the goodness of her heart, hell no. Alcina had an interest in keeping Alain alive... because she planned to use him/his body to channel Gerard's soul inside - with the added bonus that Alain is a pallet swap of his grandpa.

She knew Gerard would most likely despise her for using his grandson as a medium to bring him back (from the lines we got spoken by the guy, I doubt it, he never mentions his kid!children not even once, why would he suddenly care about his grandson?) but she just wanted to hear/see him one last time sad uwus

(which raises a fucking giant red flag, Alcina who knows this and knows Ilenia's body isn't around, would obviously have guessed she was too, used as a medium for a Zenoiran soul much like Renault and Hodrick! So, with that knowledge, she wouldn't have tried to find a way to save her? Especially since she came to her in her "direst time of need" in the first place! I guess seeing Gerard >>> saving his daughter, after all the man himself never gave a fuck about said daughter...)

I don't have the exact timeline, but Alcina then accepts to march on Elheim - which resisted the Empire because they elves protect their land with a magical forest, and only taught a select few humans they are friendly with and trust a lot how to cross it, but could never have guessed that Alcina would later turn on them! - and leads the evil empire there with a dude named Gary, the land is conquered and while Eltrinde, the current elf leader (the eng/european script comes up with a lot of "exclusive" elven words, in the script she's called a turenos (??) but the jp!audio just has her be a "miko", I guess mikos don't sound elvish enough to the western lolcalisers and of course they couldn't translate her title by the word "sibyl", aka her class name :/) surrendering to avoid casualties...

Nothing is heard about her, save for Rosalinde (Eltrinde's twin sister!) who worries about her, and we believe when we face her that she's also possessed like the other people we used to fight against (by, and it'll later be revealed, ancient Zenoiran souls channeled by Baltro's magic in those bodies) but no, Eltrinde was possessed by... Alcina herself!

"But why would she need an elven body? She already has hers!"

Apparently, given some clues here and there (Yana - Alcina's apprentice - rapport conversation with Rosalinde), we can surmise that Alcina wanted an elven body to get a longer lifespan without needing to use the dangerous "rejuvenation aka turning from a dried old fig to a stripper" spell.

Tl;Dr : Alcina wanted to have her romance/spend time with Gerard again, using Alain and Eltrinde's bodies as mediums, even if it means dooming the elven kingdom and the world in general -

And oh boy do we see the elves being doomed, because while the two other human countries had a suspicious "plague" going on, here Baltro - like our beloved Riev - drops any sort of subtelty behind his title as a necromancer, and revives elves he previously killed to fight the party, which enrages both Eltrinde and Rosalinde (a feat, because so far their plot mandated interactions where very lackluster, their reunion scene had no pathos or similarity to the Drakengard brothers or even Virginia reuniting with her long lost cousin!) and they swear to take him - and Alcina - down.

Ultimately, after Baltro rewarps away like the good dark mage he is, we fight Alcina - who saved both Alain and Eltrinde from Baltro and prevented a game over lol because she still wants their bodies for her uwu ritual - and both the map song (witch's world) + her various FB's and ultimately Yana asking her to rest in peace after she's killed participate in selling us the "tragic/doomed by love" vibe about Alcina, like, the tragedy is about her, this arc is about her, hell, the entire Elheim plot is about her.

I guess I already let some salt flow lol, but even if this isn't as hamfisted as Hresvelg Grey, I felt like this was a disappointment and a bit of a letdown compared to Drakengard's story.

Double-standard hour : I was loitering on redshit to find some stuff and I saw so many people trashtalk some dude called "Gailey" that I wanted to know what was his story and...

(FR-wise at least, "Gailey" is Gary lol.)

So, Gary was Unicorn Overlord's take on FE8's Carlyle, without the sympathy he had for Joshua.

Gary was very devoted to Queen Ilenia and part of her guard, when she "died" - pretty sure that if Alcina knew, she would never told him the truth - to him Cornia died, because there's no Cornia without Ilenia as its ruler.

So Gary accepts to work with Zenoira because his queen is dead, apparently he does this conquering stuff well enough to be distinguished during the Drakengard campaign, and is sent to Elheim with Alcina.

Alcina however is the main villain while Gary is a sidekick, and is relegated as such which pisses him - and he knows she is the one possessing Eltrinde! - but our party arrives, and he wants to take our head.

It doesn't work, apparently Galvius (the evil emperor who conquered everything and is the red emperor !) doesn't like it when his troops lose and Gary knows that if he returns to him, he'll be executed, but also can't remain in Elheim else the rebels will kill him and can't escape from that land due to the magic forest surrounding it (the one no one could cross save for elves and their trusted friends!).

To get rid of the magic forest, Gary thus decides to burn the "super magic tree" that gives power to the forest and fairies living inside who are also the source of power for the elves.

Alain's party finds Gary and kills him... or at least planned to do so, because he runs away after we rekt him and is actually killed by one of his soldiers (who wanted to bring his head to Galvius and explain that if the rebels got them, it's only because Gary was incompetent!). He has last words not to Alain, but to Jeigan Joseph and the other former members of Cornia's knights - they ask Gary why he betrayed and it's here that he tells them that he never betrayed Cornia, because Cornia died when Ilenia did, thus he had/felt no attachment/reason to fight for Alain.

He has the last word to Joseph though - who pulled a Finn when he escaped with kid!Alain while Ilenia fought (apparently to her death) to give him an opening - saying Joseph has no right to judge him, because when Ilenia was fighting for her life (and apparently died), Gary was by her side until the end (he was in her team) fighting for and with her, while Joseph ran away.

And we know - after Virginia's sidequest - that Joseph still feels guilty about having left Ilenia and escaped with Alain, wondering if their places couldn't have been reversed and if she should be the one alive, but he listened to her orders back then (something he doesn't reveal to Gary!).

In a nutshell, Gary had most likely unrequited feelings for his queen, did his best to save/protect her and fought with her, but when she died he felt like his world did and from that point dgaf about the world or what it was supposed to become.

Alcina... most likely had (unrequited ?) feelings for her king, felt like trash when he died and she couldn't save him, thus abandonned her job and while she did help his daughter at one time, in the end she was willing to see the world and her king's family burn to get another chance to live her love story with him.

They are pretty similar, but somehow treated differently when both did horrible stuff, however only Alcina gets the "tragedy sad uwus" framing when Gary dies unceremonously.

Yeah :/

Not find of that plot arc.

In their rapport conversations, the elves are more interesting than what their plot interaction led to believe and I liked the devs adding maybe like 70% of the elven npcs around being sort of assholish and quite biased because Alain'n'pals are "humans" and have a huge superiority complex regarding the rest of the continent (watermelon time for that one NPC who calls Bestrals "unclean" or "corrupted" like dude, what do you have against bunnies?).

-------

I heard Vanillaware rushed the ending of the game because they had a money problem or something, and well, Bastorias shows it lol.

We have maybe 5 plot quests - sidequests you are supposed to unlock way way later lol - and a cast of 3 characters who talk in turn, but don't really exchange or interact with the NPCs or the rest of the cast found there.

So yeah, I can see where the rush was lol

And yet, I still prefered the Bastorias arc -

First because while the maps are also as empty as the Elheim ones in cities and all, well I sort of prefer the "vast snowfields" vibe to the "large forests" one, even if I confess I really liked seeing/talking to the various people around - even if it was only for a sidequest (tfw a dude wants to sell Laguz slaves).

Second, because the BGM is both relaxing and yet foreboding/mysterious enough to keep you focused, even if I confess, I pressed + during some fights when wereowls were busy giving each other blue points lol

Oh, and werefoxes were... I won't judge people based on their kinks, but personnally, I was kind of weirded out by their sprites, like when I can crack jokes at F!Elven Fencers like "if they fall on their back they can't stand anymore like turtles if you flap them over", werefoxes are just... uh yeah. Not my cup of tea.

Plot-wise, Alain wants to get rid of Zenoira in this region too so it will diminish their forces (ludonarrative point : if you don't do Bastorias and go to the final map, Reimann pops us as a reinforcement unit with the feral plot characters you're supposed to meet in Bastorias, aka feral!Ramona and feral!Morad :( I guess Yunifi died alone, I hope she wasn't killed by her adoptive parents !) but everyone realises that there's some "illness" or stuff that makes some Bestral go mad/feral (does this remind you of something?) and while some pop up as yellow units who attack everything on sight, through the plot we later learn that it's not "illness" at all!

Much like the best Gharnef out there (sorry for your poll @crushednugget, but I believe science should have won!), Reimann - a former Cornian noble who was part of the band of traitors who sided against Ilenia in the prologue - uses his science + a magic rock to turn the animal people in feral versions of themselves to control them, and calls himself a genius while also revealing that this magic rock that those lowly subhumans only thought was a shiny rock that belonged to the lion (thus royal) tribe was actually the magic rock that makes people able to control the Bestrals (the subhumans).

We even have one rapport conversation from Joseph, that suggests that Reimann might have been involved in trafficking/enslaving/experimenting on subhumans before the game's events, as he was already trying to get his hands on Bestrals during Ilenia's reign!

Unlike Izuka though.... Reimann is betrayed by one of his "allies" - much like Gary! - who was... under his suit of armor... a bestral himself!

(Cucumber lolcalisation point : Eligor, when first met is talking to this place's Batta the Beast and at one point is pissed/haughty/upset and calls Batta a human - but in the jp!audio, I didn't hear any "ningen" mention at all. Eligor blows his cover in the us/eu script, but not in the jp version!)

Eligor is a rat bestral, and Bastorias has some sort of hierarchy/class system based on which kind of Bestral you are - cats are fishermen, owls are the "wise mayors", bears, foxes and wolves are fighters (but polar bears are selling weapons!) goats are innkeepers etc etc.

While it's upsetting that we never hear anything from the numerous NPCs around about the "rat tribe", given how Bastorias is presented we it's not that farfetched that rats were indeed seen as lesser or not as important/valuable as lion bestrals.

The Rat Tribe was captured by Baltro who used them for experiments to make them sturdier/stronger, everyone lost their mind save for Eligor who seems to be thankful to Baltro-sama to give him the means to reach his dream : become the King of Bastorias even if he is a member of the rat tribe.

As Morad (a lion!) tells him though, while his dream and ideals about making Bastorias a place for everyone to live with pride etc etc, he still tells Eligor that he resorted to stupid/ridiculous methods (aka mind controlling and sending hundred of bestrals to death fighting against each other and being a fucking member of Zenoira!) and would have prefered if they worked together, to which Eligor tells him that he dgaf, because even if it only lasted for the duration of the final battle, he finally got what he wanted being the King of Bastorias and commanding people thanks to the shiny magic rock.

No uwu sobest for Eligor unlike the gallons of tea we had to drink for Alcina though, maybe that's why i can appreciate this arc more lol

I think the nod to the reveal about Eligor being a rat and this arc wasn't the lolcalisation adding shit, but the sidequest with the... Rock Rats - former bandits Alain spared in Cornia lol - when you recruit/want to recruit the leader who's basically Robin Hood, he tells you that even if Alain started his quest with 5 people and thus isn't like the other evil Nobles (tm), you should always worry about someone who started from scratch and managed to become a leader, because they will cling to power and forget why they wanted it in the first place.

...That's basically Eligor's story, as told by another, metaphorical, rat!

Battle theme a Fleeting Dream is the general Bastorias overworld theme, with imo, the earlier feelign of something ominous being played/schemed and its climax - it's the same mystery/foreboding feeling we got in the overworld map, but with a feeling that "something is going on". A good catch for Eligor's plot and this arc in general, even if it was rushed.

Anyways after his death, more plot reveals - Morad the friendly (uhh) lion we met who acted as one of the main characters from this arc was actually a human changed in a lion with the power of the shiny magic rock, and the human girl, Yunifi, who was adopted by Ramona (owl mom) and Morad (lion dad) is very heavily implied to have been a lion princess herself, but turned in a human!

Nod to Fodlan discourse : upon finding Reimann's notes and researches about how to use the shiny magic rock to control bestrals - everyone in the cast agrees with Ramona's suggestion to burn those notes!

No "uwu censorship BaD" or "creature masquerading as a human is attempting to hide knowledge to keep humans ignorant!" -> those "researches" are basically some "how to perform mindcontrol and turn people against each other in 5 steps" lessons, so they are destroyed for the sake of everyone, the shiny magic rock will forever remain a shiny magic rock, and not a tool to control the minds of anyone else.

Gameplay wise :

The Bestrals have a gimmick where they are more powerful/get more mobility during nighttime, but some of their classes are more similar to the human ones than the elven ones.

I still have to use/play around the werefoxes and the werewolves, so far I only used the lion, the bear and the owl and while I know Yunifi has an unique class and can be built in a certain way to be completely broken...

I don't have enough medals to make more than 3 teams of 5 characters rofl - but I'll definitely try to play with some builds!

----

Oh and in general, I guess i forgot to mention in the "this was rushed" part, but while we can see the rush - I still am flabbergasted at some details the devs added like, hm, the fact that when you use a skill that summons rain in Bastorias - aka tundra land - you don't get rain but snow!

Or the completely random stuff I just noticed today (tfw after 50h you still notice and learn something knew), when you pick a squad captain, the sigil/banner for that squad in the "battle screen" is the one of the "captain" of that squad!

So yeah, even if they're fighting in Alain's Liberation army, some characters still retain their identity and banners - Gilbert's team has the Drakengard sigil, Eltrinde/Rosalinde has the Elheim one and... Travis has the Tricorns (his bandit/merc group!) one lol

*Given how Virginia is Alain's cousin and Ilenia's niece, it means Gerard must have had two kids, assuming primogeniture works, Virginia's parent, must have been younger than Ilenia which means Gerard basically left his two children and role/duties as a king behind him because he was upset that people were disappointed in him/kept on meddling with his duties as a king.

**Through various supports and lines popping up here and there, we learn that while some people loved Ilenia and thought she ruled wisely and justly, some other people were very critical of her, given how she became Queen young and wasn't as battle-hungry as her dad before her : Tl;Dr, dying like a moron after ditching his throne, Gerard abandoned his daughter who had to face the same adversities - if not more - than he did, but she pulled through. I'll have to check the audio when I'll reach that moment to see if there's hidden salt, but she has a line to Alain in the True Ending where she's basically all "I'm not going to miss my son's coronation" and, well, with the knowledge that Gerard was crap, I wonder if Ilenia resented him a bit lol