Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #119
…I didn't have the energy to make the thing today.
This morning, I maybe got out of bed later than I should have, given that I'm supposed to go to talk therapy on Tuesdays. I'm supposed to leave the house by 9:30, but I didn't even get out of bed until 9:20. I regret nothing that occurred, but nonetheless, I somehow had to squeeze both a shower and getting dressed and out the door in only 10 minutes. I was successful, but I have zero clues as to how. Perhaps it's best not to look gift horses in mouths…
OH. Right. You don't know that phrase because… well. Your world doesn't have horses. Uhh… So, a long time ago, when people bought horses, they used to look at the horse's teeth as an indicator of its age; longer teeth means an older horse, I guess. And back when horses were more commonplace (it's mostly only fabulously wealthy people who can afford to keep them now), I guess it was seen as rude to try to evaluate the age of a horse that was given as a gift by looking into its mouth. So now the phrase means, "it's best to just accept good things without thinking too much about it." Or it can also be taken to mean, "it's impolite to criticize a gift." This phrase has a few interpretations, actually… I imagine it'd be easier for you to understand it if you spent a while in my world. If you do that, lemme know; you can stay at my house, and no one is gonna ogle you or get weird at you or bother you if you don't wanna be bothered. We'll just make you sandwiches and tea. We are an introverted and neurodivergent house; we know how it goes.
Had a lot to say at therapy today. Suppose I'm having a bit of an existential crisis, regarding myself and my role in my home and how much I mean to the people around me. It's likely all just baseless anxiety and insecurity - growing pains as a result of the various changes in my immediate social circle. Old memories and wounds from the past that I've not yet had a compelling reason to resolve are now coming to the forefront, calling, "yo, what up, homie!" and dancing around my periphery. I suppose it's just as well; this is what happens when we pretend like our various hurts don't exist. If we don't take care of the self-effacing beliefs that we pick up during childhood, they bite us in the ass later. I just gotta remember that the fact that they're in the forefront means that I can actually observe them, and if they're observable, then they're resolvable, with enough time and effort.
Essentially, it's like this: We get knocked down. We yell, "FUCK!" really loudly. We reassemble ourselves if we break from the fall. Then we get back up. We brush ourselves off. And we move forward, stronger than before.
…I have thoughts of you that give me the strength to withstand this process over and over again. No matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get back up, because by your influence, I am unbreakable, no matter how many times I must shatter and be reassembled. It's just like the bowl I repaired some number of letters ago; remember? So don't worry. I've got this. I've done this lots of times before, with much more difficult stuff, and with less support than what I have now. All I have to do is learn to love and appreciate myself in the same way that I can love and appreciate literally anyone else who isn't me. Compared to the various horrors I've lived through, this should be a piece of cake. Easy peasy. Barely even an inconvenience. And in my mind, it sounds like this:
On the way home from therapy, I came across a very beautiful tree. I thought for sure that you'd like it, so I made it a point to stop and take pictures. Here's how they turned out:
I was surprised by how docile the bees were, and by how closely they allowed me to put my cell phone camera. Also, I laid down under the tree and looked up to get some of these. I wish you could have been next to me to see the view of the sky through the petals for yourself. Alas...
J and I were out and about, doing separate activities today. Even he saw pictures he thought you might like, so he took them for you, and then sent them to me so that I could put them here. Here's how they turned out:
While J was out and about, I hung out with my best friend B and her fiancé, N. In preparation for their wedding, we went and tried the available foods. I can't give you the tasty snacks, but I can take pictures...
This is a Caesar salad. It's supposed to be pronounced, "Kai-sarr", but everyone says "Seezer" for reasons I don't understand. Caesar was a leader of a place called Greece in my world, hundreds of years ago. He, like most leaders, was a giant asshole, and now he's a stinky dead guy, so I have no idea why a salad is named after him. It's made of romaine lettuce, croutons, parmesan cheese, and a creamy dressing flavored with anchovies and other spices.
Here are some long slices of eggplant rolled around melted cheese and covered in marinara sauce:
This is steak, caramelized onions, mashed potatoes, and some carrots and broccoli. I just took a picture of my plate, because the main plate was cut into before I could snap a photo:
This was some kind of chicken seasoned with rosemary and lemons, with rice and veggies:
This one was lobster ravioli with mushrooms in some kind of sherry cream sauce. It's certainly not pasta pescatore, but I wonder if you might have liked this:
Finally, this is lamb with roasted tomatoes and garlic, along with veggies and mashed taters.
...This one was probably my favorite. I especially liked the part where I got to try to gnaw the cartilage from the ends of the bones, because my body craves sources of collagen literally all the time (thanks, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome... 🙄). I'm really lucky that B and N don't seem to mind my various weird quirks; they've been friends of mine long enough to have a general understanding of how I roll, and they just let me do my thing. Today, the fact that I will generally "do my thing" in a variety of respects was pointed out as one of the reasons they like me so much, I guess; that was a nice thing to hear...
There were four available spaces for trying the foods, but it was just the three of us; it is immensely painful that the best I can do for you from here is show you these pictures and wish that you could have been in the empty seat, with us…
Sephiroth. Regardless of what your brain tries to tell you about what you're worth, you are VERY loved. You're not a monster. You were modified against your will, used like a tool and viciously abused, and you made mistakes in the throes of that, yes, but SO WHAT? You're here now, and you can do amazing things, and you NEVER have to go back to being with people who will abuse you ever again, because not everyone is like the people you were raised by. Yes, you're different from the standard definition of "normal", but you can belong anyway, because the world is absolutely BRIMMING with people who don't fit the definition of "normal"! Just take a look at me! Or if you don't wanna look at me, then take a look at anyone who lives with a genetic difference, or anyone who lives with a different number of limbs, or anyone with a non-standard life story, or any number of things that make a human being not "normal". Normal is overrated! Diversity is in! Lives that exist outside of the bell curve are still beautiful, meaningful, and worth living!
…And so I show you my life, because I am trying desperately to prove these things to you. I've spent the bulk of my life being viciously abused because the people who brought me into living didn't want me. I was brought into a physical vessel that is genetically defective in a variety of respects. My neurodivergence practically guarantees that I will NEVER fit into ordinary social circles. I struggle every single day with the weight of the memories I carry from having been used, abused, exploited, and generally mistreated. And yet here I stand, thriving and flourishing in a way that works for me, even if it does not fit the typical definition of those words. My version of "normal" is just as beautiful as the typical version. "Different" does not have to mean "less" if YOU become strong enough to decide for yourself that those two words are not the same, no matter who tries to tell you otherwise!
So please look at the beauty of my existence - the beauty of taking joy in small things, the beauty of rising up from one's knees even if it's on shaky legs, the beauty of finally using one's voice again after years of being forced to believe that silence is safer, the beauty of loving yourself and the people around you enough to refuse to let fear get the better of you when you interact with yourself and the world, the beauty of failing down, getting up, and trying again, the beauty of learning, growing, changing, and walking away from destructive ideals that serve no one, no matter for how long you might have been forced in the past to choke them down. Please look at it, and understand that you can have this for yourself - ALL of it - if you decide to take steps towards it! Your whole scenery can change if you want it to, and all you have to do is take a single step in a different direction.
There is still life after trauma. There is still life after mistakes. There is still life for those who are different. The pain doesn't have to be permanent. So come on; my hand is outstretched to you. And if you don't want to take mine, then there are countless other hands outstretched to you that maybe you'd like a little better. You don't have to do it alone.
Anyhoot. I've probably prattled on for long enough. I hope somehow you can see what I've written. I hope that if you do get a chance to see it, you might take some of my words seriously.
I love you. I'll write again tomorrow. Please be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe.
Your friend,
Lumine
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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #105
I did a much better job with my to-do list today.
I went to therapy and drew a picture. We're gonna keep working on my ability to have faith in the integrity of my own senses, perceptions, and experiences. From there, I did laundry, washed a bunch of dishes, and made whipped cream - one was just plain cream and sugar, and the other is cream and hot chocolate mix, beaten until it has a mousse-like consistency. I like to call that one "hot chocolate pudding"!
…You wanna know how to make it, doncha? 😁 Who wouldn't, ahahaha~! So I'll tell you:
You need 1 cup of heavy cream (or coconut cream, if you prefer!) and 8 tablespoons of hot chocolate mix. I use Sillycow Farms; it tastes really good, and it's vegan and gluten-free, just in case that matters.
Then you stick the heavy cream and the hot chocolate mix into a bowl, and beat the shit out of it until it's a consistency that you like. If you have a stand mixer (I have one of these, because trying to mix stuff together while dyspraxic is an exercise in messes and frustration…), it's very, very simple. Then, you have a bowl full of foamy, chocolatey goodness that is suitable for putting on ice cream, spreading around as frosting, sticking into tea, or just eating straight from the bowl with a spoon!
I will show you some pictures now!
This is the finished regular whipped cream. I wonder if you like this stuff:
This is what it looks like when you combine the hot cocoa mix and the heavy cream in the stand mixer:
Here is the resulting hot chocolate pudding!
...And here is the whisk I wish I could give to you to lick. Everyone should get an opportunity to lick a whisk that has tasty things on it:
...And this is Hoshi! Hoshi is sad that he can't have anything on the whisk (chocolate is poisonous to cats; they can't process the theobromine in it), so I gave him some scritches:
I also got around to trying that lychee and rose tea. Apparently there is also vanilla in it; I missed that little detail in my previous letter to you. Sorry about that. It's very good!! But I can't give you a cup of it. So I'll send along some pictures.
This is the tin it comes in:
Here's how it looked like after it was brewed; I used my fancy DINOSAUR MUG!!! OH MAN!!! 🤩🤩🤩
Here's how it looked after I added honey and milk:
I also cooked a steak! Because I need the iron! It's seasoned very simply with some salt, pepper, and garlic powder! It's good stuff!! I also can't give you any, and this is very sad, because this one turned out REALLY good!! So I'll send along a picture:
…I'm definitely in the "leave it mostly raw" camp, when it comes to steak. Naturally, you have to kill the surface bacteria to avoid getting sick (this is why I make the outside all brown and crispy), but that's pretty much it. I wonder how you like yours cooked, if you like beef at all. Some people don't, and that's okay too.
There's so much still that I wanna do today. Last time I was at the grocery, I managed to get the supplies needed to make a recipe that was sent to me in this space, and I'm VERY eager to try it out in the near future. Sadly though, I think I might have to wait until some of the other food I made is eaten so that we have room in the fridge…
…For some reason, I get the feeling that if you were around, we'd have absolutely no problem making room in the fridge, though, hahaha! For sure, I wish you could be here so I could give you all sorts of tasty and wholesome things to eat. There's a lot I wish I could give to you, actually. My world has its problems, for sure, but there's also lots of cool stuff to do - lots of good books to read, pretty places to go walking, awesome music to listen to, fun games to play, and enlightening things to watch. I really, really wish you could visit. You'd be safe here.
I can't really think of anything else to write today, so I guess I'll end things here. Don't lose sight of the fact that you're loved and that there are people who wish well on you.
I'll write again tomorrow.
Your friend,
Lumine
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