#The ds9 ones were way easier to write for some reason

[libartz]

Number of skyrim-related storyish notes in my notes app: 200+

Completed fics: 4….

[horta-in-charge]

Content Warning: 18+ Content! Minors do not interact!, OC fanfic, Cult, DS9 spoilers, Covenant Spoilers, Dukat being Dukat, religious jokes, general trauma from dealing with cults, mythology.

Author’s Note: This work contains OC’s (my unnamed half siren OC and Clara, brief mention). It also contains 18+ content so minors DO NOT INTERACT! It is also a bit of a crossover between Librarians (my second favorite show) but the content isn’t heavily dependent on needing to watch it. The song she hums is Lean on Me by Bill Withers. General vibes are inspired by that song, Take Me Home Country Roads, Rocky Mountain High (both by John Denver), and the backing track to All My Ex’s Live in Texas by George Strait because it came on the radio while I was writing and passed the vibe check. Of course in this case Texas is the Dominion. Please note a lot of the mythology/religious jokes were funnier in my head. The gif of Kira I wanted for this post tumblr wouldn’t let me use for some reason. I also apologize for the world building in this fic but it needed to go somewhere and was relevant. Humans consider themselves the only native evolved species on Earth in Star Trek and ding dong they are wrong. 

Tagging: @deepspacedukat​ for listening to my OC rants and for letting me use her gif.

Broken Covenant 

It started out like any other day on DS9. Get up, eat, dress for the work shift, then actually work- which was very entertaining because of all the vaccinations scheduled with one of the main infirmary computers tied up doing sequencing on a newer viral strain. Of course, DS9 had interesting things happen nearly every day before it became a front line pit stop during the Dominion War. Maybe it was because she’d used that holosuite program the Library had gifted her before she reported for duty. Maybe it was the focus on work that somehow freed another sense from its prison. Or, quite possibly, it was that the water patterns of every permanent station resident were etched into her psyche and the awareness that one was suddenly missing was like taking a brick to the head. No matter what, she was going to find out what had disturbed her mind, even if it took all of her off duty time. The replicated meal she’d had for dinner sat there, empty dishes staring back at her like banshee eyes, although not screaming, which was a good sign. 

Pushing her focus outwards, she swept through the station while sitting crosslegged in her chair, searching, taking mental note of who she could cross off her list. Something blocked her sense from entering Kira’s room. A very strange, orange vibrational pattern lingered there, draping over the inside like a viscous fog. Pulling focus back in was much easier because there was only one target- herself. The absolute conclusion: Kira was missing. The problem: she didn’t work with the Colonel, so there wouldn’t be any residual energy from exposure. Keeping her eyes shut, she went to that place in herself that was so easy to access, and in desperation, conjured up an image of Kira’s face, not unlike that of Prince Eric’s in that anti-Siren propaganda movie (so called by her seven year old niece), and willed herself to physically move to that location, hoping for a stagnant target. A warp target would leave her frozen in space. 

The sensation of landing on your ass, while familiar, isn’t a pleasant way to appear anywhere. She had a feeling she’d be sleeping face down, ass up for a day or two if she wasn’t immediately killed. Unfamiliar arms pulled her to her feet. She blinked to readjust her eyes to the dim, albeit red light of the room. Her ears needed no adjustment to know that was Dukat asking how she’d gotten there in his usual smarmy, charismatic voice. He would be behind anything to do with Kira. His obsession seemed a primary self-trait. The response that she’d been meditating and had no idea what had happened left her mouth with the honest skill of a con man’s patter. It was unfortunately a practiced skill all human-like earth species mastered young. Deceit, used correctly, was like the helmet of invisibility, which was sitting on a Library pedestal, nowhere near that Byzantine death trap she’d broken over a year ago. 

Dukat’s mention that Damar would be pleased (jealous) his good luck charm was here in the temple of the Pa’Wraiths was ignored. If he wanted to waste his breath on that, she’d let him. The hands and arms let go of her at his command, and then disappeared out the door, leaving her with Kira and Dukat, while they had a non-consensual reunion on the raised stage area of the room the three were in. This place, Empok Nor, was twin to DS9 in every way but the decor and the lower power level humming its way through the station. She was too tired after the jump, which was somewhere between wormholing and teleporting- not that she would be able to explain how it worked anyways because the math needed to combine physics and magic was beyond her level of expertise- to send herself out through the station to take stock of its occupants. Knowing Dukat, he would be the only Cardassian on the station, leaving everyone else except her, the uninvited guest, to be Bajoran. 

“I was touched by the hand of a god,” her focus snapped to Kira who was clearly not having it.

“I was touched by the hands of many gods. Some were inside me.” They both took a second to take stock of that statement, which coming from her in that tone, would register as a joke, even though she was dead serious on the matter. A goddess as well but it was probably best not to mention strong female figures around Dukat in any mood. Whenever he decided the conversation was over, she followed Kira and the Vedek, who was told to escort them to their room, out of the decidedly quarkless Quark’s Bar location that was doubling as a temple. 

As they passed through the promenade, her suspicion about the general occupancy was proved true. The Vedek gave the usual speech about life in the cult that all charismatic right hand men do, which was equal parts entertaining in the nature of its stupidity and rote nature, and eye-roll inducing. As they passed a pregnant woman, Mika, the Vedek called her, the Vedek- Fala?- began speaking about ancient Bajoran sex practices. Which screamed CULT at the top of its lungs through the entire quadrant. Being that close to the woman meant it took no focus at all to read the DNA of her child- and that child was half Cardassian. Again, CULT was screamed through the rafters of the universe itself. Determined to keep her mouth shut, because there was no possible way a human would know that information, she did, until they got to their quarters and Fala left. Kira was angry, and trying the door like there was hope of getting out that way. At least the rage wasn’t directed at her, which was good. 

“You know that child is half Cardassian.” Kira stopped banging at the door’s access panel and just stared at her. Stupid, stupid mistake. I can’t afford to get caught like this. Not at my own fault. 

“How do you know that?” The soft, yet stern questioning voice of the Colonel asked, hand still on the inside door lock.

“It’s a cult. Standard behavior is that the cult leader gets his pick of people to fuck. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other pregnant women on this station were taken by him as well.” Finding no lies, Kira tried the door again. “They aren’t going to let us out until Dukat wants us out. We might as well rest right now before we get paraded around this place at his whim. If they make us put on sheer wet silk and dance for his eminence Ezri will need to clear her schedule for the next three Dax lifetimes.” 

“Three!?”

“I have no intention of dying young. I will be a sexy rasin with a bikini clad staff somewhere on a nice estate. That’s what’s going to get me through this. Mental images of hot people.” That wasn’t what would get her through it at all. Sirens had an average life expectancy of a thousand years. A half human could expect at least five to eight hundred years (they didn’t have a lot of data to go on, so it was a guesstimate). She’d lied more in the last year than she had ever done in her life. As an atheist, she was quite glad she wasn’t an Egyptian species, because there was no way her heart wouldn’t get eaten by a crocodile, goddess given egyptian adder armband or not. 

In her own thoughts, she hardly noticed Kira sit down on the couch near her chair. What am I even doing here? Clearly not helping Kira. If I was I would have rigged that door lock to open- and what, expose myself? I have no tools! I wish I was Baird- no, I wish I had her experience. She’s over 300 years old! I wish I had the Library- not that I can solve this situation with science like they do. They don’t DO active magic. How am I supposed to even qualify for an interview for Guardian if I can’t even solve a cult? If I’m only half-human? They’d have this all fixed by now. And how do you fix a cult anyways? Therapy? I’m not Ezri but I’m pretty sure that comes after a dissolution. This is an active cult!  

The door opened and Fala stepped in. Apparently, it was time for services. What kind? Who knew? Probably not an orgy given the earlier speech about abstinence. She wondered if the ancient Bajorans masturbated. The walk there was full of anticipation but also very uncomfortable, because with all of her inner musings she’d forgotten to use the bathroom and her bladder was full. The services began with the banging of some type of Bajoran gong, and there was some opening chanting, which having never been to a regular Bajoran service, she assumed was normal. It wasn’t like she couldn’t understand what they were saying, even with no universal translator, but it didn’t sound much different than any type of service she’d seen. The problem was that it was led by Dukat which was, to use a 21st Century Earth phrase commandeered by a child missing a few baby teeth, heckka disturbing. 

Kira was standing a few people in front of her, and from the back, anyone with vision could see the anger simmering off the colonel. Herd dynamics and group mentality made stupidity contagious, and not that she wanted to insult her senior officer, it seemed highly catching. As soon as Kira was in reach of that phaser, her instinct kicked in, which was the exact opposite of what needed to happen. The display in front of her stuck her feet to the floor as she watched the other Bajorans defend a genocidal maniac cult leader. The next thing she knew, Kira was on the ground, knocked out by a blow to the upper back. Dukat was attempting to manuver through the crowd, but she got to Kira first and deadlifted her off the floor, which was no small effort on little sleep and no breakfast- was it time for breakfast yet?- distracting herself from the pain, she hummed an old earth song, well not that long, her grandmother was only in her fourth century of life at the time of release, but old to everyone else on the station. The strain was almost unbearable by the time she reached the quarters they were ‘assigned’. She assumed Dukat had stayed to administer the rest of the service, whatever that entailed. She put Kira down on the couch then quickly ran to the bathroom to relieve her discomfort and clean up. 

There wasn’t much she could do for Kira right now with such low energy levels, but she certainly was going to keep an eye on her superior officer. Dukat would no doubt try to use this to his advantage, which was something she herself was familiar with. A little too familiar considering Mika’s case. At least it was fun at the time, because according to the members of the ladies’ tea club her grandmother hosted, if it wasn’t fun then, it would never be fun at all. The enjoyment while it lasted was worth quite a lot later, although she wasn’t sure they had this kind of a later in mind when they dispensed their sage advice with oolong tea and cakes. 

A time later, which could have been five minutes or five hours to someone this tired, Dukat came in with a rag and a bowl of water. She wasn’t in the mood to fight with him about getting near Kira and he didn’t want to fight her either, so she ended up bent over Kira’s body holding a wet rag to her forehead until Kira woke up. Fortunately, the access to water did allow her to partially accelerate the healing of the bruise, but not by much. Dukat began proselytizing or just irritating Kira, it was getting very hard for her to focus. She had absorbed part of the water in that bowl too but it didn’t stop her from being dehydrated. Dukat seemed to be trying to make Kira feed herself when they were interrupted. Apparently it was time for birth. Dukat followed the messenger out and so did Kira, but hunger was no match for her own stomach, so she took the melon slices off the plate and started eating one while following them down to the infirmary. The look she received from Kira wasn’t a pleasant one, but her stomach didn’t care, and her pride wasn’t keeping her from food either. 

When she reached the infirmary with the others, her mouth was as sticky as her hands but her stomach was semi-filled. No one was looking at her, and even if they did, they wouldn’t see her controlling water molecules in the air to clean off her hands and face, because water molecules were invisible to the eyes of everyone there and they were all looking at the entrance of the room Mika was being rolled out of. 

She didn’t have to see the baby to know she was right, but she did anyway by the nature of her placement in the room, as did Kira. She caught the ‘you were right’ look from her kidnapped companion. Of course, the real entertainment was when Dukat saw the child and had to formulate a plan to cover up his cuckolding. Unsurprisingly, the people actually bought the explanation. She didn’t, and neither did Kira, but their opinions had no bearing on the events, and they most likely never would. She found the whole thing hilarious really, most likely because she wasn’t focused on her own physical needs. Maybe Kira would too if she had a sandwich or something else to snack on. 

After that, the two of them followed Fala somewhere, leaving the crowd to rejoice over the birth. Kira laid into Fala with good sense which was misplaced because he was too far gone into the path of Pa’Wraith worship. While he did make a good point about Kira hating Dukat so much she refused to even think the Pa’Wraiths could change DNA in utero, the simplest solution was usually the best, and while she had no physical proof the child was Dukat’s, her senses told her that it was.    

“It is possible to give birth while a virgin.” The out of left feild comment garnered looks from the two arguing Bajorans. “The original definition meant uncontrolled by a man. It had nothing to do with sex. The Catholic Church on Earth changed the meaning as a way to separate themselves from Roman and other ‘pagan’ cultures. In the current printing, it never mentions that there was any sex in the production of a new god. The original Aramaic says that a great light came into her. For all we know, it could have been Zeus.” The others chose to ignore the statement because she had been up for over twenty four hours. However, Fala had agreed to let Kira talk to the couple tomorrow in the hopes of proving her wrong. 

They walked back to their quarters in silence and got themselves cleaned as best they could before trying to sleep. Kira was still itching with anger over the whole situation, and was clearly mad at her for what she had said earlier.

“You can’t actually believe him. It’s preposterous.” She rolled over on the bed to face Kira. The room they were in was so tiny they’d both come to a non-verbal agreement to share. 

“I don’t, but I’m convinced that I’ll get access to the loading docks if I pretend like I do. Or at least don’t argue about not believing the swill Dukat sells as religion.” She had no idea if that settled the matter or not, because sleep came over her like a large blanket with talons and didn’t let her go until the morning. 

They were fed the following morning, that is to say they were given food, and got themselves ready to be escorted around the station. If she had her way, she would never sleep in her uniform’s undershirt ever again. Somewhere in the night, she had come to the conclusion that this entire charade was not for her. Or at least it wasn’t actively meant for her. If it was one of those unteachable lessons Si-Fu had spoken of during her training in the City of Light, that protected pocket of the Himalayas, she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to learn, unless she had already figured it out. Somehow she didn’t think Kira had learned what she was supposed to either. 

They followed Fala around to where Benyan was painting, and Kira was very much herself about the situation, much to the chagrin of their guide. The three of them went on searching for Mika, and because she was still suffering the effects of unorthadox jumping through space, the range of her senses was very limited, unless she wanted to pass out. When they found Mika, the airlock was open, and Dukat’s DNA was all over the buttons. Kira closed it, and they managed to get the poor woman to the infirmary. She wished there was something she could do for her, but she had no energy to spare, and the effect of decompression was so great that any help she could have given would have been too noticeable. She was going to need to go swimming in that Library holosuite program after all of this ended, if she was still alive to see the conclusion, that is. 

Of course Dukat called it an accident and dispatched a work crew to prevent any others. Kira didn’t buy it, and she didn’t either, but as usual, everyone else did. Except for the sedated woman in public view, but she couldn’t speak. Her husband was looking forth between her and the quote unquote miracle baby with a horrified yet blank look on his face. Fala insisted they go back to their room, and so they did, until after dinner, when Dukat held a late? Possibly early? service. The concept of time here at the Empok Nor Pa’Wraith cult village was mind boggling. Dukat had seen Kira afterward while she had been getting ready for bed. Kira came in fuming, talking about the proverbial Kool-Aid capsules. At this point, there was nothing they could do for a few hours, but sit and wait for everyone else to die. Except Dukat, because while Kira knew him better than she ever would, they both were of the opinion he was pulling something. Dukat and die didn’t belong in the same sentence. Dukat and ‘confirmed dead’ did. 

Eventually, Kira got sick of sitting. They both had, but Kira began to hit the door again. Her hands were freezing, so she held them over the space heater and waited. Finally Kira looked at her, and then at the space heater, then back at her face. She drug the space heater over to Kira, who ripped the inside door lock open. Kira was a good person to get trapped in a room with, because she knew what the inner workings of Cardassian equipment looked like. She had gone to Herford Medical School (very prestidgious, they only accepted eight students a year and routinely didn’t fill a whole class, but then again they only accepted non-human species, which was not advertised anywhere except among their own population) and passed the Academy’s Officer School with flying colors. She still had a hard time telling a phase converter from a decoupler. Kira shoved one of the longer wires into the heat source and they both waited.

The mechanism exploded, or at least ruined something inside, and they were able to pry the door open. Kira was somehow less tired than her despite a lack of food and sleep, and managed to reach the temple platform ahead of her. Watching her companion jump off of it and onto Dukat was a privilege and an honor. She noticed the different pill compositions in a way Kira couldn’t, but there was no need to warn her friend because Dukat was flopping his arm about like a dead fish looking for something. The non-lethal pill. As soon as Kira opened her mouth the crowd began to murmur and Dukat’s face had a look that was enough to raise the decibels to a level a Vorta would find absolutely unbearable, if she was remembering Weyoun 5’s physical structure correctly. 

Dukat went stark raving mad, and the angrier he got, the more his need for control caused him to move wildly, until his hair looked like what she assumed would be the same as the Cardassian equivalent of Fabio. It would have been sexy except for the attempted mass murder and that his personality was more disgusting than anything in the universe she’d encountered. Even a Fae charm couldn’t counter that. She wished she could curse him with the evil eye, but that was something reserved for grandma’s- they had the talent and the experience to make it work. Instead, he escaped just before Kira’s betrayer, as she just now began to understand why he’d been their guide, swallowed death whole. 

Another Colonel had saved the day at great cost to herself. She stood behind Kira as the body decomposed rapidly. There was nothing she could do except grab her superior officer by the shoulders and march her to get something to eat, the shower, and then bed. They waited two days, along with the other Bajorans, who were forced to look at their shattered illusions and try to pick up the pieces, for the Defiant to come and transport everyone back to DS9. She wasn’t sure if Kira had learned what she needed to, but she was thankful that Quark didn’t argue with her wanting a holosuite. She pulled the datarod out of her pocket dimension (a highly useful fifth birthday gift) and stuck it in the port, then called up the program. She pulled off her clothes and stuck them where the rod had been previously, then grabbed her necklace in one hand and worried it between her fingers as she stepped into the real salt water (thank you to Clara the Librarian for figuring out how to make the holosuite operate as a portal) and let her tail form as the depths wrapped her body in comfort.  

[qwertyfingers]

we know that bobby only watched ds9 and dean watched the tos movies for sure which implies he's seen tos as well (plus he calls jack spock). so what do you think everyone's favorite trek is? sam is without a doubt a tng fan first and foremost. i think out of all tos movies cas prefers the wrath of khan because he Feels Things when kirk and spock do the ta'al through the glass. charlie has definitely seen some trek (we've seen her llap), do you think she's into tos first and foremost? anyway let's talk about star trek nights in the bunker.

OKAY SO I HAVE. MANY MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG.

like. like of COURSE bobby only likes ds9 of course he does i could have told you this without the show becuase like. bobby is That Bitch. i think rufus will have watched TOS at least because leonard nimoy worked hard on linking jewish faith and practices into the vulcan lore and i think that would mean something to him. bobby will catch rufus smiling at him sometimes while they’re watching ds9 and ask him what all gruffly and rufus will smirk at him and say something about sisko with jake and bobby with dean and bobby will just cough and take a swig of whiskey and rufus will raise his eyebrows but let it slide. rufus definitely makes a comment once about dean&cas being like jake&nog that totally flies over dean’s head but bobby is all knowing eyebrow raise about.

i think cas and jack would really like discovery. while it has some issues with inconsistency, pacing, being a little dark, it also does better than the other TV treks at utilising the nature of film as a medium to instill a sense of wonder, at space and the world, and that’s something they’d really appreciate. i have my own issues with disco, but an obol for charon is as close to the central core of trek that disco ever gets. cas and jack also like that one in particular because they like listening to all the different languages being spoken. they all love michael (everyone loves michael). cas’ faves are stamets and reno because they’re mean and gay, jack’s fave is tilly because she’s excitable and bright and he latches onto that. dean likes reno because she’s got spunk. sam’s fave is airiam and he will never forgive them for killing her off. sam, cas and dean all feel an uncomfortable kinship with both ash and culber - they’ve both been the one with monster teeming under the surface, controleld by something not themself, but they’ve also all spent that time in hell/purgatory, separated from everyone they love.

thinking about episodes that would really get to them all, darmok is. THE ONE. i have a whole unfinished essay about darmok as the platonic ideal of star trek; the perfect distillation of everything trek is SUPPOSED to be about. it doens’t always get there but by god it tries! that speech michael gives in the disco s2 finale - “There's a whole galaxy of people out there who will reach for you. You have to let them. Find that person who seems farthest from you and reach for them.” - that’s what darmok is about!!! it’s all about a situation where real communication seems impossible, where everything we know about talking and learning has broken down. and picard says, okay, i will find another way. i can’t relate to you, you can’t relate to me, but by god i’m going to try. we all meet people we have trouble communicating with in our lives, and often, those people will not care about changing their own ways to accommodate us. for people with autism, adhd, psychosis, the list goes on, this is a very common occurrence. it’s exhausting and frustrating and alienating. darmok is all about crossing that barrier. about reaching for someone through a world of difficulty and learning how to talk. learning how to share something with someone who seems out of our reach. it’s beautiful, it’s heartwrenching, it means more to me than i can easily put into words! 

anyway i think the bunker fam would experience a lot of emotions watching it together. there’s defintiely a lot of hugging eachother, sam cries a lot and won’t look at anyone until after the episode ends. jack just asks a lot of questions and talks about his progress learning sign language with cas. dean snakes his hand into cas’ halfway through and doesn’t let go. doesn’t show the emotion on his face, but he clutches harder at the emotional beats. cas runs his fingers through jack’s hair and thinks a lot, and decides not to say anything unless dean talks first. its just a Lot for everyone. 

dean def makes them marathon all the TOS and TNG movies. it’s an experience everyone needs at least once. i think you’re right about cas and TWOK with the ta’al through the glass, but also ‘this simple feeling’ and the hand hold would make him feel crazy. bones being the one that spock entrusts with his katra DEF makes dean feel some type of way because as much as destiel is kirkspock-coded, dean IS bones, and seeing spock trust bones so completely despite how at odds they were when they first knew eachother would dig deep into dean’s psyche and make him more than a little bit nutso. the movies are way too long for jack so he mostly sits and plays animal crossing while they watch and looks at the screen when everyone else gasps or when something exciting is happening that holds his attention for a while. sam’s fave is nemesis precisely because it’s terrible and he loves how camp it is.

dean has definitely seen all of trek. i refuse to believe someone who watches as much tv and films as dean wouldn’t sit and watch the whole shebang. i think he’s probably seen TOS and the TOS movies more than the others because its easier than sitting through 7 seasons, but i think rather than that being his favourite he’d just have really strong opinions about the best episodes of each one? like if you asked him what his favourite is he’d say you can’t answer that because they’re all so different from eachother

VOY - bride of chaotica, non seqitur, macrocosm for the favourite episodes. seven, janeway and tuvok would be his favourite characters. he think toms a bit of a knob but also feels a kinship with him for the similar brand of bab dad-ism but he wouldn’t be able to put that into words. he’s also a fierce defender of threshold being a good episode (he’s right for that)

DS9 - our man bashir it’s our man bashir. he doesn’t dislike ds9 but its very plot heavy and he didn’t care for it when he was younger. rewatching it after living through multiple supernatural wars he’d probably appreciate it more. i know for a fact he cries every time there’s an episode about sisko being a good dad. jadzia and garak are his faves

TNG - he LOVES q. he also absolutely will not be caught dead referencing how much loves q after cas comes into his life because sam will do the little brotherly knowing eyebrow raise at him and he will die of embarrassment. he regularly references ‘there are four lights’ because he’s a fucking nerd. he has made cas watch elementary my dear data and fistful of datas a half dozen times each at LEAST. cas KNEW how dean was going to be about the cowboy hat he’s defintiely got into full cowboy getup at home just for watching movies and in cas’ head star trek is fully to blame.

TOS - oh there are so many good TOS eps to choose from. obv he loves most of the series becuase TOS has MANY banger eps, his favourites are probably like. mirror mirror, amok time (baby dean defintiely had some kind of crisis watching it for the first time; i know the rituals are intricate). i know deep in my bones that dean watched the conscience of the king (introduction of the tarsus iv massacre) once and then spent his entire teenage years writing fic about that in his head, whether he posted it or not. dean related too much to those experiences of shared hunger. city on the edge of forever is one of everyone’s faves for a reason (and i’m STILL mad we never got a closer take on that episode in spn it could have been so fun). 

ENT - he definitely thinks enterprise is stupid and he’s not wrong but he has also definitely watched it and been very repressed about the whole thing. mans was like oh i feel a kinship with malcolm reed the obviously repressed queer man. i will never examine this feeling ever again thank you <3 he also makes fun of archer for being obsessed with, of all sports, water polo. shran is his favourite character because he’s a little shit and makes him laugh, and t’pol, because t’pol is a badass and he’d appreciate that. i can’t remember the title of a single episode off the top of my head though lol.

i can see what you’re saying about sam being a TNG stan. i’m conflicted though, I feel like TNG’s generally the favourite of 1) obnoxious nerds who think knowing trivia facts makes them smart, 2) men desperately trying to seem masculine and 3) people who’ve watched it three times and have extremely complex thoughts on the personhood and rights of robots. i could see sam fitting into the third group, but people who are in it for the robot feelings are a coin flip between voyager and tng being the fave, and i just have a feeling that voyager would be his favourite. i know kid sam is getting gender envy watching voyager in shitty motels while dad and dean are out, trying to find the words for it. his first semester at stanford he talks a friend into giving him the janeway haircut and rides that high for months. sam’s favourite characters are seven and EMH. 

sam and dean have definitely had dozens of long drawn out debates about philosophical topics in star trek. do the holograms deserve rights and if so which ones. are the romulans and vulcans still meaningfully the same people. was spock right for trying to foment reunification by going undercover on romulus. can the borg be redeemed. etc etc.

i haven’t seen any of picard at all so i can’t comment. i also think sam and dean probably read a lot of the trek books? they’re pretty common to find in secondhand bookstores and cheap, would have been even cheaper back in the day. sam probably doesn’t care for them much, dean has a few solid faves though. i’ve only read the disco books so i can’t comment anything specifically (besides the fact that i think dean read dead endless and cried like a baby), but some of the TOS and DS9 books are gay as hell and i know dean was eyes emoji-ing that shit. 

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

Cardassians aren’t Nazis (and also not quite the USSR, but I see where you’re coming from)

TW: for much discussions of Nazism, fascism, persecution, no details

So tottering around as a lover of DS9 and (disclaimer) as a major fan of the Cardassians as a not-yer-generic-villain type villain that then become less of a villain, because you can’t assign villainy to a whole species + also being German and hearing/watching/reading a lot of analyses that compare them to Nazis is inspiring me to write this (gasps for breath at the end of that sentence).

@tinsnip , @handsome-anne

1. Who were the Nazis that the Cardassians are specifically being compared to (versus neo-nazis/alt-rights, etc. that they’re not being compared to)

Short version: Post WWI the Versailles Treaty fucked over Germany in a way that left it wide open to the sort of megalomaniacal little bastard on a powertrip that fed on people’s fear and pushed them into a far-right disaster. The Nazi party itself didn’t have a ton of members, but it basically eroded any kind of democracy the country had and decided it would scapegoat Jews, Romani, communists, queer people, and other “intelligent elite”/political dissident and then spread those ideals across the world like a demented wannabe roman Caesar state. This didn’t last too long in the grand scale of world history, but left a body count of 6 million+ dead, mainly Jewish.

2. Germany and its relationship to this history

So Germany tries pretty hard to teach people this history in schools, through memorials, in film, etc. It’s not perfect by any means, there’re still discussions on how to make reparations, as well as neo-nazis and other far-right people around still, sadly just like in the rest of the world. 

But it’s not covering up these atrocities, because there’s a belief that the way to make sure it doesn’t happen again is to be honest. Sadly, not everyone around the world gets as detailed a history surrounding its origins, happenings, and aftermaths, nor does every country engage with its own past like that.

3. Let’s get fictional (Cardassians, first impressions)

The Cardassians are a species that we mainly meet first through their subjugation of the Bajoran people, and then on DS9 following the immediate aftermath of the occupation on Bajor and everything that follows on from there. Throughout the story we discover various bits about what they had done - labour camps, mass executions, forced prostitution, and in that one Voyager episode I’m not a fan of because it didn’t have the range, experimentation.

On the surface, pretty comparable to the nazis, I get it. Hell, often that’s definitely “the source” of where the writers are getting their ideas.

4. So they’re... Nazis?

The problem comes when using one fascist regime as a go-to for these atrocities. It ignores the reality of fascism beyond this particular point in history and also it’s just not that simple. 

When looking at Nazi Germany we also have to look at the source of its making, the climate around it (countries like the UK having a nazi party, Italy and Spain having fascist dictators, hell, the list of dictators that were/are not German is disgustingly long, the worldwide anti-semitism making surrounding countries apathetic or even sympathetic to the Nazis, etcetc.) and the aftermaths of WWII.

The Cardassians are not Nazis. (As an aside the Federation are not the brave allies, but that’s another post for another day.) I’ve seen them compared to the USSR - both by official writers and fandom - which I won’t comment on seeing as I am not from anywhere that was affected by that (I’m not East German, but I do have East German friends), but at least this points out that one cannot compare Cardassians to a specific atrocity that happened at a specific time with specific connotations surrounding it. 

Is the Obsidian Order the Gestapo or another secret police? Which secret police? Is Garak “the good Nazi” trope - but then how does that align with Cardassians living under a repressive regime for centuries, not a few years, and therefore take into account an indoctrination and climate of fear created over several generations? No child “born” into the nazi regime became an adult while it was still lasting, unlike the Cardassians (and many other real life dictatorships and fascist states - as well as "democratic” states that have similar kinds of surveillance, oppression, mass-imprisonment and disappearances, and camps).

Is every Cardassian soldier a “nazi”? How does one compare that to polish and french prisoners (see Pierre Seel for a particular harrowing account, all the trigger warnings apply) who were forced to fight for the Germans and put on the front lines? 

Eugenics, labour camps, and every other atrocity has been practised by numerous regimes, both in history and now, can we shrug off every country that’s participated in them for the sake of making the metaphor “easier”?

How does the aftermath of the Cardassian Union - when they’re attacked by the Klingons and themselves occupied by the Dominion and then have their main planet bombed to the point of millions dead - align with Nazi Germany?

5. It doesn’t.

It doesn’t. It doesn’t neatly align with any other fascist or military dictator-led regime either. This is not saying that there aren’t aspects obviously borrowed from history (and can easily apply to now). This is saying that in trying to bend the Cardassians into Nazis specifically, people are ignoring every other aspect about them and in my opinion doing a disservice to those who suffered under the actual regime. This is a fictional world, with fictional people that is based on an oppressive society template. It is also a fictional world in which the people themselves are oppressed (especially if you align with what’s written in Andy Robinson’s book) - I’ll be getting back to that point in a bit.

 I would argue that making it “about Nazis” is too easy. This isn’t about “us” this is about “them” those evil bastards from wwii. It strips the Cardassian story of any current-day relevance. One can look no further than one’s own society to see people struggling against acknowledging histories, being treated as second-class citizens, etc. No need to go back in time to do so.

It also strips the Cardassians of any three-dimensionality. If they’re just villains then why are we rooting for their uprising to succeed at the end of season 7? Why do we want their society to flourish, their people to no longer have a broken court system, and their secret police to stop training and recruiting children if they’re Nazis, the convenient shorthand for über-evil?

Cardassia isn’t about a past society, it’s about our society. If we empathise with the Cardassians and don’t cast them as villains, then it’s a discussion about our own oppression and privilege. And it’s a damned good scifi allegory (even if I sometimes don’t think the writers and showrunners quite understand it themselves - death of the author and all that).  

6. To conclude

I didn’t mention Bajor as much in this, because I was very focused on Cardassians, but I would argue that while there is value in casting them as “space Jews” (as I’ve seen here and there) because I understand the value of representation and I am not taking that away from anyone (I hope), similarly if one reads this take as the only valid one  it ignores the reality of religious oppression on a wider scale and also that the Bajorans’ oppression at the hands of the Cardassians didn’t happen for the same reasons as the Jewish genocide at the hands of the Nazis - I would also argue that in making Cardassians = Nazis / Bajor = Jews, we similarly ignore that the Nazis were and are not alone in perpetuating anti-semitism, which kinda again leans into the “Good Federation (the Allies) Versus Evil Cardassians (Nazis) - because none of the Good Allied Countries have ever/are currently involved in persecution or dehumanisation *stares into the void*

And lastly - bringing back a point I made earlier about Cardassians themselves being oppressed by their own government - something that is often forgotten when people talk “Nazi tropes in genre fiction” is that the first country the Nazis occupied was Germany. I’m mentioning this, because it’s interesting in the metaphor, but it’s also conspicuously is absent in the simplification of how these reads are applied. It’s easy to cast the Cardassians as a whole as Bad People, but it makes for worse story-telling and has uncomfortable undertones of how the world reads Germany’s people as being at fault as a whole as well, without taking into account the specific events that we were globally complicit in - and once again the metaphor falls apart, because allegory doesn’t work so easily, and it shouldn’t.

TL; DR In general I am uncomfortable by “Nazi’s used as tropes” in any fictional world. One shouldn’t sacrifice analysis nor simplify history for the sake of making it easier to make a quick point about “bad guys” and forcing allegories into one shape makes them lose their power.  

Also watch German films on Nazism and European ones on WWII if you’re looking for some better takes (also Cabaret, one of the best movies ever made).

[smallblueandloud]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 for the writing ask- I AM SO SORRY I COULDNT STOP!!! xoxo

aaaah these questions look SO GOOD thank you so much <3 <3 for this ask meme, which will be open all weekend!

1. tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

i pulled open all of my WIP google docs for this and my laptop started whirring ominously, lmao. this is going to be a Little Long but i love talking about my wips so who cares!! (under the cut because EXCERPTS)

guys and dolls but gay - very, very casual rewrite of guys and dolls if sky masterson was a woman. i’m loving how chill i’m being about this one because it’s so much fun to not have to worry how i’m going to write lyrics in a not-weird way and just focus on the story. this one’s first because it’s theoretically closest to being finished.

sky, laughing: “oh? people. all the people you turn down every day. well, i imagine there’s someone out there that’ll catch your eye.”

sarah, stiffening: “...yes, there will be.”

sky: “and what might this person be like?”

sarah: “he will not be a gambler, for one.”

sky does not miss the pointed pronoun. “i’m not interested in what he won’t be, i’m interested in what he will be.” she sits down on the desk, in a pointedly masculine pose, and sets her fedora next to her - at her most Hot Queer, basically. “how will you know when he gets to you?”

my fic for the aos rarepair fic exchange - i can’t give any plot or ship details, for obvious reasons, but it’s 1.3k and i’m having fun with it!

steven roadtrip of destiny - canon divergent fic set at the end of steven universe future where steven goes on a roadtrip instead of... canon. it deals with some heavy emotions and it’s also a character study so it’s tentatively shelved until i get around to rewatching suf. but i am projecting on steven like crazy and it’s really, really cathartic. it’s taught me a lot about myself too lmao.

He’s never been anonymous before. He kind of likes it. It means he can fold his arms on the table and put his head down without Pearl worrying about his posture, or someone asking him if something’s okay.

In the last few months, he’s grown to hate people asking him how he’s doing, or if he’s okay. He always ends up lying, because he doesn’t want to worry them, and he ends up feeling worse.

Probably because it’s more of him supporting other people without supporting himself.

He should have told someone how he was feeling. He should have reached out. Sadie could’ve helped him. Lars would’ve listened. Connie would have hugged him and then found him the appropriate mental health professional.

(God, Steven wants a hug. Also the appropriate mental health professional? Whoever that would be.)

untitled aos fic - i don’t want to give a lot of details because :eye emoji: and also i don’t know much about what the plot of this is going to be anyway, lmao. but here’s an excerpt:

daisy “that actor who doesn’t shut up about data harvesting” johnson (@daisyquake) tweeted: two weeks :eyes emoji:

Elena Rodriguez | Seven Cents S2 Streaming On Netflix Now! (@yoyorodriguez) retweeted and added: the problem with being friends with daisy is that you SHOULD have some insight into what her tweets mean but you still have no idea

Fitz (@justfitz) retweeted and added: Try being married to her

untitled star wars twins fic - because i am a total and massive nerd. i’m just kind of stuffing everything i have feels about from the post-anh era into this and planning on figuring it out later? i’m really loving talking about the culture of alderaan (and the culture of the survivors) and also i just love writing luke and leia’s relationship... so much......

(no excerpt for that one because i’ve basically posted all of it in various posts lmao)

aos ds9 au - i’ve posted a LOT about this already and i want to keep the plot a surprise but fsk is in this and married and half the cast is aliens, what else do you need in life.

“Good morning,” says Jemma, coming into the room with her hair wet and her uniform crooked. “Hello, darling.”

“Hi,” says Daisy, turning her face up for a kiss. Jemma obliges absently as she walks past, looking around the room.

“Has anyone seen my hair clip?”

“No,” say Fitz and Daisy in unison.

and of course, last but never least in my heart, chapter 3 of the magnum opus - writing this is on hold until my brain decides to stop hitting me over the head at every possible moment, but there’s like... 2k written so far? it’s. it’s going.

“Yeah, yeah,” says Coulson, and makes quick work of the right gauntlet. It’s only halfway through the left one that his fingers slow and he says, quietly, “Simmons designed these, didn’t she?”

She lets out a quick breath. “Yeah.”

He stays quiet for a few more seconds, finishing up the last of the straps, making sure they’re tight enough. Finally, he says, “She should be helping you with these.”

Daisy pulls her arms back and swallows down some words, or maybe a couple of feelings, or maybe a sob. “Yeah, well.”

2. tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

the last sentence of the magnum opus!!!!!!!!!!

no, lmao, i’m gonna try to be serious. i really, really want to write some librarians fic in the near future? also MORE OF THE SENSE8 AU. i’m DYING to write some stuff about that. especially sam’s cluster, for some reason? Let’s Make Him Suffer (Comedically)! one day i’m gonna finish that list of what cluster/situation each song is about and then it’ll be over for all of us!

3. what is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

i spent about eight months imagining a scene where riza hawkeye was really injured and mustang was holding her in his arms (basically the promised day scene but with more privacy) so does that count?

hmm, just for some other possibilities: glinda telling dorothy about elphaba, laura somehow seeing or speaking to natasha during catws, a good omens au of the good place (specifically the ”i don’t even like you!” / “you doooooooo” scene), kencyrath au of star wars (ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, except setting up the first scene alone would take 7k, but i want to talk about leia and luke and their MESSED UP TRUST ISSUES in this au).

oh, also, something about star trek tng where jean-luc and beverly and jack were in love and then jack died and picard left. more specifically a scene set during the pilot episode where jean-luc very cordially offers beverly the option to transfer off the enterprise, that he wouldn’t dream of holding it against her, and beverly very cordially telling jean-luc to go fuck himself. i want to write 30k of that broken triad. i want it so bad. i dream of that fic. maybe one day when i find myself with a completely empty month or two, i’ll binge all of tng and Write Some Stuff.

4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

since you and i have tww in common, i’m gonna do a tww fic! otherwise i’d have to reread literally every fic i’ve ever written, lmao.

(this is long but i put this post under the cut so i have RIGHTS. also consider this a sneak peek for the j/d fic in the sense8 au?)

“It’s okay,” says Helen. She sits for a moment in silence, seeming thoughtful. “The Congressman and I are in the same cluster,” she says eventually. “I’d- I supposed that’s easier on the Secret Service?”

“Yes,” says Donna. “The-”

She stops herself from saying anything further. President Bartlet and the First Lady aren’t exactly quiet about who’s in their cluster, especially with senior staff, but that doesn’t mean she should go talking about it in an unsecured room in LA, of all places.

To cover for her blunder, she gives up something else: “The same with Josh. They got really lucky with him, actually. It’s just him and me, so they won’t have to worry about anyone threatening the Chief of Staff through the barista in the local Starbucks.”

Helen looks up from the Ohio numbers she’d drifted back to, a slow smile creeping up on her face. “Josh is in your cluster?”

“Uh-” says Donna, feeling like national security wasn’t worth whatever she’s just blundered into. Oops. “Josh- Josh is my cluster, ma’am.”

She catches her mistake the second it’s out of her mouth, but Helen doesn’t call her on it, more focused on other revelations. “No wonder you two look at each other the way you do!” she says, sounding delighted. Donna shuts her eyes, praying for this to go away. It’s not that she’s ashamed of Josh - it’s just so, so complicated, and other people never think about how difficult it was. Still is.

i’m just... i really liked the idea of donna fumbling and having to reveal this to cover up for what else she was going to say? i don’t know why i’m so charmed by this. i think it’s because it would be impossible in the show - you can’t show what someone was going to say on television, not without a lot of setup and very careful scripting. it’s just a really fun situation to write about and i’m really proud of this conversation in general.

also helen santos was a dream to write and i love her a lot. i kind of want to write one of the fics in the series about her and her cluster solely because like... look at her. she’s a delight in literally every scene. i love her.

5. what character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

daisy johnson!!! i love writing daisy johnson!!!! she is the most adhd character i’ve ever written and i literally just have to transcribe my own inner monologue and it works perfectly!!!!!

Swing shift: 1600 hours to 2400 hours. Daisy always ends up getting back to her quarters at like 0030 hours, when Jemma is asleep and Fitz is reading some kind of technical journal. Then she has to eat replicated pizza, alone, and freshly replicated pizza is actually pretty hot but it feels cold at that time of night, like, spiritually.

6. what character do you have the most fun writing?

...whoops i literally just answered that lmao. uh. i also really love writing sky masterson in the guys and dolls fic? she’s just weaponized hot queerness in a suit and i love her for it. she is intentionally trying to seduce this repressed lesbian and it’s really funny and also really hot of her and it’s so much fun to write.

also, i wrote chidi for the tgp fic and it was possibly the most fun i’ve ever had with a pov, although that was also because i was purposefully trying to mimic the tone of the show. i still think that line about michael and a grenade is, like, the funniest i have ever been in my life. but chidi’s panic was surprisingly easy to write? all of tgp’s characters have such STRONG voices, it makes writing fic ridiculously easy as long as you don’t get stuck on a plot for six months.

7. what do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? would others agree?

oof, this one is ALWAYS tricky. uh? uhh?? i’m going to ruin everything by saying this but i basically alternate between the same two sentence structures and i am really frustrated about it. i also alternate between the same two styles of endings and i always use the same beginning (set scene, main character pov, thoughts-as-exposition, back to scene).

BUT ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE i like to talk about emotions and relationships and character development!! i have my “queer subtext goggles” superglued to my face, lmao. i like to think about how characters must have felt about things in canon and how it must’ve influenced them. i like making people deal with the consequences of their actions, especially how it’s influenced they themself. i also just really, really like writing people who love each other, whether it’s romantic or platonic or anything in between. i just want them to be happy! i just want them to stick together! doesn’t matter what fandom, i stand by it.

[margridarnauds]

6, 7, 10, 21, 23

THANKS AVERY

6. Answered here 

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in. 

Let’s have the SALT. (Mandatory disclaimer that my own personal feelings towards the SHIP does not inherently extend to the shippers, that I ship many dynamics that some people would call “abusive” given the ongoing debate over what “enemies to lovers” means, and that some dynamics here are things that I might have shipped under other circumstances, but things just...didn’t work out that way.)

Cats - I hated Plato/Victoria before I even knew that it was POSSIBLE to hate a ship that much. I always went with the Plato = Macavity theory to get that little skeavy dudebro off my girl. (Also, I’ll be honest, the whole “mating dance” thing is...such a fucking weird sequence anyway. Like, my ship preferences aside, ALW WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SCENE WHERE THE CATS FUCK?) 

Pirates of the Caribbean - Jack Sparrow/Elizabeth. 

Harry Potter - Ron/Hermione. I never saw it, tbh, and they seemed to be pretty bad for one another, even in the books. The films just took it up several notches. 

OUAT - Captain motherfucking Swan. I hated that smug, greasy little motherfucker so much. So much. 

Star Trek Ds9: Jadzia/Worf. THERE. I SAID IT. Both sides brought out the absolute worst in each other, leading to an absolute trashfire of a ship that obliterated all in its wake. AND THEN WE HAD TO DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT OF THAT. EVEN AFTER THE SHIP WAS *DEAD*. Don’t mind me, don’t mind me. I’m cool, I’m cool. 

Carmilla - Tbh...Laferry. Never my thing. I know that her character development’s a BIG part of Perry’s arc and I fully embrace character growth, but it just. Left a bad taste in my mouth. And the way shippers used to treat Laflashdrive shippers back in the day. As if shipping a nonbinary character and a flashdrive somehow makes it hetero. (#LetLafBeaRobotfucker2k19). 

Les Miserables - You know what? While I’m on the Salt Train...

Enjolras/Grantaire. Now, there are plenty of ships that are probably more deeply annoying to me, but none are as prevalent as this one. And I might like them a lot more if they WEREN’T so prevalent. But as it is, it’s like a black HOLE that’s devoured the fandom, so that you’d think the entire fucking novel/musical is about these two. And. Maybe I shouldn’t talk given what I ship, but it isn’t even like they’re THEM at this point, they’re just two generic white guys in an “uwu” relationship. And I’m not speaking for EVERY single thing given that I have neither the time, concentration, or will to read every. Single. Thing. Made about these two, but it’s something I’ve noticed, though I’m not saying that I haven’t enjoyed SOME things made about them and the whole “You believe in nothing.” “I believe in you” is...good content. 

It’s like...you’re walking in the woods (there’s no one around and your phone is dead) and you see a brightly colored pink tree. At first, it’s great. A pink tree! You’ve never seen one of those before. You wander further into the woods, and there’s another! And another! And soon enough, you’re surrounded by pink trees, in a technicolored horror realm. Where’s the sky? Where did you come in at? You think you remember seeing the sun once, but NO, it’s another fucking pink tree blocking your way. There is no God, there is no ground, there is only a technicolored nightmare blocking your every move, drowning you in visions of Barbie-esque horror. 

Terra Nova - Skye/Lucas. WHY GOD WHY? Look, we KNOW I have terrible taste in ships, some of which have...questionable dynamics. BUT EVEN I CAN’T GET INTO THIS ONE. There’s no...mutual spark between the two of them, just Lucas creeping on Skye and Skye trying to get away. Also, since I’m here...Skye is estimate to have been born in ‘32-33, making her approximately 16-17 by the time the plot kicks into gear. Let’s be very generous and bump her into 17-18. Lucas? 2124, making him...oh, 25. Not the WORST age gap I’ve ever seen in my lifetime...but....questionable. Very questionable. And I know the series wants to have us believe that people grow up faster (see: The fact they actually think Maddy’s old enough to GET MARRIED. TO A SOLDIER. WHO IS REALISTICALLY IN DANGER OF MAKING HER A WIDOW,) but NO. Like, at my CURRENT AGE, with less than four years separating me from that age gap, I can’t see it. That is still at least 7 years of experience in the “real world” that she doesn’t have. He still saw someone with THAT MUCH of an age gap with him and WANTED something, whether or not she wanted it or not, and tried to PURSUE that something while calling her “sister”. Like, I can’t stop anyone from shipping it and I have a firm “ship and let ship” mentality, but....EW. EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWeWEEWEWEW. 

B5 - I’m in the same boat as you as far as...on one hand. Byron/Lyta makes me want to vomit, but also...our Teep OC does owe her existence to her weird, hetero white goth uncle. 

Star Wars: Han/Leia. Because, as we all know, cornering a woman before you kiss her is the love story of the generation. Han would have been better with Luke and Leia with Holdo. 

The Pirate Queen - Tiernan/Gráinne. I. Hate. This. Ship. 

His Dark Materials - Torn between Ruta Skadi/Asriel and Lyra/Will. Tbh, leaning towards the latter because while the former is AWFUL and signifies the quite frankly terrible writing decisions that distinguish the second and third books, at least it didn’t involve a badass, feral girl child becoming a dainty, submissive 50s housewife in the body of a 12 year old. “Oh, Will, I’ll do whatever you say, I promise. I won’t use my awesome powers unless you say I can, you’re so fantastic, Will.” Gag me. Also...they’re twelve. This doesn’t HAVE to be an epic, tragic romance, and the fact that their “kiss” (WHAT THE FUCK PULLMAN, WHAT THE FUCK, I’M NOT A PURITAN BUT WHAT THE FUCK) is the key to saving the universe? Really? Basically, they should have been friends. 

1789 - Danton/Solène. (I KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT I WOULD SAY, BUT NO. MY HATRED FOR THIS ONE MANAGES TO OUTSHINE IT.) “But Rachel,” you might say, “You’ve been very, very open about preferring anything to Ronan/Olympe” and that’s TRUE. But the Toho version managed to push my hatred of this one with The Scene, AKA “Go back to the kitchen, Solène and let the menfolk take care of this.” The French version didn’t even really have it as A Thing, he was just a customer. And the amount of time Danton spends with Solène is always directly proportional to the amount of spinal surgery she’s going to have. Now, I can’t exactly BLAME the two Japanese productions for doing what they did, because they have to appeal to a Japanese audience in the way they see fit. It’s an ADAPTATION of 1789, not a tour of it. But that doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it. And. Like. You know there’s no way THAT one’s going to end in a way that’s good for Solène. Either (1) he’ll set her aside for his family or (2) If they SOMEHOW stay together...the Reign of Terror’s looming. 

Also: Danton/Charlotte. No. No. Just. No. There are so many reasons why. But no. 

Ace Attorney - Maya/Nick. WHY SWEET MOTHER OF HETERONORMATIVITY WHY? 

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

We’ve both discussed a lot about how...DIFFICULT it can be to write fic for something. There are a lot of things I love dearly but just don’t have it in me to write fic for. Ace Attorney is an obvious one, Mozart l’Opera Rock, Elisabeth (though I’m trying to work on that one), Les Miserables, Star Wars, Star Trek, B5....a ton more that I could mention but it would honestly take too much time. Words hard, reading still hard but slightly easier. 

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote? 

The first thing I ever wrote, when I was five years old, was (very heteronormative) fanfiction for The Stinky Cheese Man, where he finds The Stinky Cheese Woman, which now, of course, I recognize as my own attempt to write myself into a narrative from which I’d been excluded. Or something. I think my mom still has it buried someplace, lurking...

Also, @theocraindora at some point managed to get me to write at least one full Carmilla AU during the second season, when we both must have been about 17-18-ish, if my math’s not too dubious, and that was the first thing I ever actually finished for a long time, even though it didn’t ever meet my personal standards for publishing and is likely to stay buried. For awhile, at least. 

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

Since I talked about PLP’s tragic backstory, time for something happier. Paradise Lost, which I’m actually pretty damn happy with because it was my first time working with something that’s not a historical piece, and it was honestly a treat working with Mira’s voice. I think that Mira really “clicked” for me as a character here. Like, “Yes, this is why she’s like this, this makes sense.” There are some times where you can really feel a character’s voice when you’re writing and you can get things out, and this was one of those very rare times for me. Not saying that it’s going to happen NEXT time, but this time, it was rather relaxing. 

It was honestly one of the smoother writing experiences I had? Like, it only took me about a day or so, from when we exchanged PMs to publishing it, which is pretty impressive, all things considered. I’m still not tossing out doing anything more with this world in the future, tbh. That and Goosefic were probably two of the easiest to just...get out. (WHICH. 92 HITS. GOOSEFIC HAS 92 HITS. THAT IS INSANE FOR A ONE-SHOT IN A SMALL FANDOM. HOLY SHIT.) 

(From your other ask!)

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

I’ve been WRITING fanfiction since I could hold a pencil and make scribbles.  When I was younger, I could write that kind of thing easily, the shame came later. 

Finding out that fanfiction EXISTED...was probably when I was about 9-10 and found Balto x Harry Potter crossover fanfiction. Which. In hindsight. Was pretty horrible, but my young self was CAPTIVATED because Balto and Harry Potter? In the same universe? IT WAS LIKE MAGIC. 

Astonishingly, I did not read M rated stuff until I was at least 15-16-ish. I kept myself remarkably sheltered and only looked into it when I became curious. And got over my weird hyper-religious phase. 

When I was about 12-13, I started to toy with writing myself, writing my own OC crossovers for Phantom Manor (the gother, European version of Haunted Mansion that was my special interest for. Ages). Carmilla when I was 17-18 was one of the first things I wrote a full, complete Thing for, even if I never published anything for it. And from there, I’d try to write things for both The Pirate Queen and Dracula, though both projects proved to be too ambitious and I ended up cutting them off, tragically, but they gave me the confidence I needed to get into 1789, which I DID publish something for finally, on the day I was taking my GRE because. Well. I had something else I feared more than a flame. 

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

I don’t know if this is one thing or five separate things in a trenchcoat, but here you go. 

I love how we can explore things that could never be explored in canon, for one reason or another; I love that we have an experience that we can filter according to what WE want, including trigger warnings, which is honestly a godsend to me. We talk a lot about the transformative nature of fanfic, and it IS, but also, the level of empowerment that comes with being able to take back a narrative that says “hey, you’re not supposed to be in this narrative” or “You’ll like what we put out and you’ll stick with it” or “Well, if you don’t like it, create your own” and say “Okay, I will.” And, obviously the comments are lovely, having that kind of instant encouragement, and in the small fandoms in particular, it’s VITAL, but I also don’t feel like they’re inherently mandatory or that readers should feel FORCED. But I do love that, no matter what, something you write can connect with someone from the other side of the world. Like, people can argue all they want about fanfic being valid or not, but MOST people who want to be professional writers never get that. And when you stop and think about how we’ve been changing the narrative for as long as we’ve had oral stories, that this is how storytelling was ORIGINALLY done...that’s very humbling. 

[reasonably-annoyed-fog]

1-7, 17-23!

1: Movie

Thor Ragnarok, Beauty and The Beast (1991), Wrath of Khan, Bringing Up Baby, Amadeus, What’s Up Doc, Wall*E, The Iron Giant, Robocop, Wings of Desire, Doctor Who - The Movie

2: TV Show

Elementary, Doctor Who, Star Trek. Deep Space Nine, Orphan Black, Babylon 5, The Armando Ianucci Shows, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, M*A*S*H

3. Song

So many. Oh my god. I’m always in the mood for Friday I’m In Love by The Cure.  Teenage Kicks by The Undertones is the perfect pop song. Idk, there is so much good music out there

4: Animal

Dogs, racoons, mice

5: Color

Green and blue.

6: Word

chihuahua.

7. OTP

I’m not great on shipping, because I’m not very romantic. I do like a lot of ships other people don’t like, for some reason. I like Major Kira/Odo from DS9 for reasons that would take too long here to explain. I like River Song/The Doctor, because Alex Kingston is a woman in her fifties playing a funny smart dangerous bisexual action anti hero who falls in love with a thousands of years old genderqueer dork, marries his ass, and then fucks off to do her own thing, only meeting up with him occasionally. I’m sorry but goals

also,because that show is driving me insane from a writers’ point of view: I’ve spend way to much time trying to reconstruct the creative thought process that went into bbcSherlock because I have developed a sort of morbid fascination with this mess, and I did the math and have come to the conclusion that Sherlock Holmes should unironically hook up with Anderson. I’m in hell.

17. Book

this one has already been answered here

18: Actress

Lucy Liu, Tatjana Maslany, actually you know what, if you’re a woman I support you by default, I feel mean picking one over the other

19: Actor

this should be easier. it’s not. I can’t pick favourites amongst actual people. Actresses, actors, they’re all doing great and are very talented and handsome. good job! thumbs up. well done everyone.

20: Food

Spaghetti, Polo Barali (Rice with fava beans and fried bread), curry, also if you know a place where they serve a good veggi burger hit me up

21: Drink

cold drinks: orange juice and ginger ale

warm drinks: tea, especially green tea, earl gray and East Frisian tea (a famous blend, but mostly Assam)  but recently I’ve grown quite fond of vanilla roiboos

alcoholic: Pinacolada

22: Letter

October 17, 1946D’Arline,I adore you, sweetheart. I know how much you like to hear that — but I don’t only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you. It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you’ll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can’t I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the “idea-woman” and general instigator of all our wild adventures.When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don’t want to be in my way. I’ll bet you are surprised that I don’t even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can’t help it, darling, nor can I — I don’t understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don’t want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.My darling wife, I do adore you. I love my wife. My wife is dead.Rich.PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don’t know your new address.

23: Cereal

wheat puffs

[literaryartisan]

tagged both by @khaleesi-onthemoon​ and @lancelotmylove​!  (I notice both of them answered GOT for “last show i watched” hehe)

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better. (A couple of the questions were different between the two, noted as “a” and “b”.)

1. nicknames: Abby or Cata seems mostly what people call me these days. Way back in the 5th or 6th grade one of my classmates called me “Hamster” (because I had a pet hamster) and it was the greatest nickname I ever had.

2. gender: Like I don’t mind marking ‘F’ on forms but sometimes wish I didn’t have to.

3. star sign: Cancer

4. height: 5′9″ with just enough people asking me “are you sure you’re not 5′10″??” to make me question that.

5. time: 1:44am

6. birthday: 7/7

7. favorite band(s): h-how dare you make me pick a favorite?? Epica, Kamelot, Rhapsody (of Fire), The Who, ...I suddenly feel like I’m blanking on some major favorites 0_0

8. favorite solo artist: uh. ???

9. song stuck in my head right now: “The Zoo” - Scorpions

10. last movie I watched: Arrival

11. last show I watched: boku no hero academia (season 1)

12. when I created this blog: June 2012, apparently. What is time even.

13. what I post: hahaha I don’t post, I put things in my drafts (i never should have found that function ever ever ever it’s up to 1762 somebody save me) This was a lot easier when I started and it was just the Monterey Bay Aquarium and Max Payne. Now it’s also MCU, Star Trek, Witcher stuff, puns, lots of animals, SNK, even the occasional Homestuck content. Stuff.

14. last thing I googled: “Scorpions” for the answer above, because I couldn’t remember if they’re just “Scorpions” or if they’re “The Scorpions”. I should know because I just saw them live in concert on Wednesday, but I had to ask google.

15. do I have any other blogs: Vaguely. I tried making a cosplay blog but have not kept up with it ( @ruthlesscata​ )

16. do I get asks: Extremely rarely

17. why did I choose my URL: @truculentbantam​ named me! Way back when she was trying to get me to make an account and I was like “but my usual usernames are taaaaken ;_; halp”

18. followers: 183, now that i’ve purged the latest batch of pornbots (plz stop)

19. following: 201, though many haven’t updated in years ( @deepseafauna​ i miss youuuu)

20a: favorite snack for movie/tv show: This is a really difficult question for some reason. I guess I don’t often snack when watching things and when I do it varies quite a lot? If I’m going to indulge at the theater i’ll get junior mints so there’s that. 20b: favorite colors: Blue and green! I like purples and wear a lot of black too.

21. average hours of sleep: I seem to do best on a solid 8-9 hours but frequently try to make a go of only 5, so let’s say 7. That’s a pretty good average.

23. lucky number: Let’s go with 3

24. instrument: I played piano when I was younger, then started clarinet in middle school and played it through high school, where I’d also sometimes play saxophone (alto, except once a borrowed tenor for some reason). I haven’t played anything in a long while, and I miss it. I’ve always wanted to learn guitar.

25. what am I wearing right now: pajamas.                       ...which tonight are excessively fandom-y. (pj pants with a cap shield design and an attack on titan t-shirt ^^;;)

26a. first celebrity crush: i was going to give a snarky aroace answer but actually... if you count “crush” as “wish i could be friends with”, then Cirroc Lofton (Jake Sisko on DS9) 26b. how many blankets I sleep with: 1 or 2, depending on the weather. Though I’m also often in my sleeping bag instead (work, travel, camping, etc)

27. dream job: I think I might be doing it guys. I could do without assorted bureaucracy, permit writing, and constantly being on the road, but I wanted to work with animals as a kid and here I am: wildlife biologist.

28. dream trip: I don’t have a dream trip so much as many trips I would love to take. Camping/roadtrip to reprise a canyonlands trips I took with my family when I was young. Camping/roadtrip to explore more of BC and the Yukon. I went to Japan for the first time this year and already I’m like, “But I didn’t get to see this or this” so of course I would like to go back. I want to go back to Costa Rica. There’s so many many places I haven’t been that I would like to see.

29. favorite food: I love food and it’s so hard to choose a favorite. ;_; I have a weakness for pineapple. And also olives I love olives. And minty things. Chocolate. You can do so many delicious different things and call it pizza. I just had a conversation with my sister about how many different varieties of soup there are and how good they are. why is food so good.

30. nationality: usa

22. favorite song: nooooo another ‘favorite’ question!! I will leave you with what has been my song obsession (that I refuse to overplay for myself) for like the past year: “Center of the Universe” - Kamelot

tagging: (optional as always! trying to think of who I haven’t seen do this meme yet...) @truculentbantam @himikochan @falcon-hill @needmorefiction @mooksmookin @ladisadi @summercomfort @faux-pearls @nymphaliday @elephantemos

[ramajmedia]

Star Trek: 10 Hidden Details About The Main Characters of DS9

Widely regarded as one of the most gritty and multi-faceted spin-offs in the Star Trek franchise, Deep Space Nine was the last Star Trek show still running when the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation took to films and Star Trek: Voyager finally reached its journeys end. It's known for departing from the traditional episodic nature of the franchise and transitioning to a serialized format, which allowed for over-arching storylines and the ramifications to be felt from previous episodes.

RELATED: Star Trek: 10 DS9 Storylines That Were Never Resolved

In this way, a series about the various inhabitants of a space station orbiting a wormhole could still be one of exploration, it just dealt with traversing interpersonal relationships rather than deep space. With the psychological analysis of so many fascinating inhabitants of Deep Space 9, came rumors that the cast of main characters was one of the most fractious. There's more to know about them than just what we saw on the screen. Below are ten of their hidden details.

10 ALEXANDER SIDDIQ TANKED BASHIR'S PERFORMANCE

If you're paying attention to Doctor Bashir in the last few seasons of the show, you may notice a change in his demeanor. This is intentional; Alexander Siddiq wasn't happy with the alterations being made to his character, particularly the decision to make Bashir an "augmented" human, illegally altered to be gifted by his parents.

Later, he disliked being turned into a possible Dominion spy. This resulted in him tanking his performance, hoping it would affect ratings and force the writing team to change his character back to its original archetype. Among Star Trek fans of Deep Space Nine, Siddiq is regarded as the problem child of the cast.

9 MICHAEL DORN ALTERED WORF'S ACTING

The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is well known for being chummy. The cast regularly saw each other outside of working hours, and continue to be the best of friends. Coming from that environment to DS9, where everyone was committed to a deeply professional work environment affected Michael Dorn's acting style.

Worf was always a serious character, but due to the stiff nature on the set of DS9, where he was surrounded by theatrically trained actors (in the vein of Patrick Stewart), he had to make a conscious decision not to undue all of the progress Worf's character had made while on the Enterprise (i.e., become friendlier as the series progressed).

8 MARC ALAIMO WAS BASICALLY DUKAT

If you peruse the Star Trek Deep Space Nine Companion, a hefty coffee table book dedicated to details about the series, you'll find plenty of interviews and anecdotes with the main cast about the characters they play. Everything from their perspective on the character's psychology to what it was like getting into their prosthetics and makeup is included.

RELATED: Star Trek: The 10 Deadliest Villains The Crew Has Ever Faced

Marc Alaimo, known for playing the charming yet unscrupulous Cardassian warlord Gul Dukat, had such a hand in shaping Dukat that he became known for being as arrogant, petulant, and entitled as his character, inspiring ridicule and derision from his cast mates.

7 ODO IS BASED ON JAMES DEAN AND CLINT EASTWOOD

The lovable, grouchy constable aboard Deep Space Nine went through a few iterations before producers settled on the personality and demeanor they wanted Odo to have. They envisioned him as a combination between two loner-types, Clint Eastwood and James Dean.

Clint Eastwood because they wanted him to be reminiscent of a clench-teethed sheriff of the Old West, and James Dean because they wanted him to be moody due to an overwhelming sense of not belonging. Rene Auberjonois did his best approximation of the two, though they chose to not make him as good looking as either of those two actors.

6 SISKO INITIALLY COULDN'T SHAVE HIS HEAD

There have been many reasons why characters on Star Trek series have to look the way they do; originally Patrick Stewart was made to wear a toupee because of his hairline before TNG started filming, but that was soon scrapped for looking ridiculous and his baldness was embraced.

Meanwhile, Commander Sisko (Benjamin Brooks) wasn't allowed to shave his head for the first several seasons because the actor would look to similar to roles he'd previously played in films. By the fourth season he was permitted to do so after audiences became used to the character - he could even grow a beard.

5 JADZIA DAX WENT THROUGH SEVERAL CHANGES

The Trill species were first introduced in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but looked much different from Jadzia Dax, the main Trill host in DS9. In TNG, the Trill had ridges on their heads and no discernible "spots", but makeup artist Michael Westmore desired to streamline their appearance.

RELATED: Star Trek: 10 Geordi Logic Memes That Are True And Hilarious

Jadzia Dax was also intended originally to be a character that was born on a planet with little gravity, requiring her to use a wheel chair when she was aboard Deep Space Nine. She could also "fly" only in her quarters when gravity controls were adjusted. This idea was scrapped, but given to a guest character in Season 2.

4 O'BRIEN'S UNIFORM WAS DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF THE CREW

Colm Meaney originally had some trepidation about returning to the role of Miles O'Brien on DS9. He liked the freedom he had on Star Trek: The Next Generation as a reoccurring character, but not a part of the regular cast. However, his salary upgrade made him reconsider.

When he was fitted for his uniform, he requested two key changes as a non-commissioned officer; he wanted it to be cut with the ability for him to roll up his sleeves as a working man taking care of the ship, and he wanted it to have pockets for his tool.

3 NANA VISITOR WAS ACTUALLY PREGNANT AS KIRA

Whenever female cast members get pregnant during the course of a television show, adjustments need to be made in the storyline they're involved in to account for their changing bodies. One of the ways this was accomplished when Nana Visitor became pregnant in real life was to have Major Kira become pregnant as well.

Kira isn't made to be pregnant with her own child, but rather become the surrogate for the new baby of Miles and Keiko O'Brien. Nana Visitor was actually pregnant with her and Alexander Saddiq's (who played Doctor Bashir) baby, which she gave birth to during Season 5.

2 MAJOR KIRA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RO LAREN

Originally the character of the Bajoran militia member and terrorist turned military leader of a liberated society wasn't Major Kira. It was going to be Ro Laren, the memorably hot-tempered Bajoran introduced on Star Trek: The Next Generation. That actress didn't want to do a Star Trek series again, and so the character of Kira was created.

At first Nana Visitor was skeptical of taking the part, especially at a time when doing episodic science fiction for television wasn't a prestige assignment. But she was convinced by the script, and the fact that Major Kira wasn't a helpmate female Star Trek character assisting the male leads, like Counselor Troi, Dr. Beverly Crusher, and Lieutenant Uhura.

1 JADZIA DAX WAS PREMATURELY KILLED OFF

A favorite character on the series, Jadzia Daz's untimely demise in Season 6 came as much of a shock to fans as to actress Terry Farrell who played her. Farrell had requested more time off, and to become a recurring character to allow her an easier schedule, but producers wouldn't go for it and decided to kill Dax instead.

The Dax Trill symbiant she carried would be transferred to a new host body (Ezri), who fans weren't particularly fond of. Especially since Jadzia had so recently married Worf, a union of two favorite characters. Her death also didn't offer any way for Farrell to return to the part for guest appearances on any other Star Trek series.

NEXT: Star Trek TNG: 10 Hidden Details About The Main Characters Everyone Missed

source https://screenrant.com/star-trek-deep-space-nine-hidden-character-details/

[minecraftcactus]

I need more fics that acknowledge that Dr. Julian Bashir is autistic. He has special interests that once you get him going, he's like the damn Energizer Bunny. He over-exaggerates his movements despite not being clumsy at all. He was genetically enhanced to not be clumsy. He just does it because it's fun. Very few moods are not a Big Mood™. Julian seems to have a hard time reading people. I know he spends most of his time with *cough cough* boyfriend *cough* Garak, but it actually seems like he has an easier time reading the spy than reading his co-workers. The only time he's been really aware of other people interacting in certain ways was that one time where they weren't real and they were acting Wrong! ("Captain Sisko would at least hear me out!") You could call to mention his very sensitive hearing, but do remember that he was enhanced in pretty much every way. Sisko said the only two senior officers strong enough to take on a Vulcan were Julian and Worf. But do remember that he was genetically enhanced, because that is important. His parents took him to have an illegal procedure done so that he could do well in school. He was slow. Extremely slow. He was still having issues identifying the difference between different objects and different animals while his fellow students were using computers and reading and writing. He also clung to his teddy bear for comfort. (Kukalaka also needs to be in more fics because Kukalaka is adorable and how Julian still has him and talks to him is adorable. I am currently holding my own 19-or-so year old teddy bear and anyone who says adults can't be attached to their childhood comfort objects can eat my entire ass.) Now they like to say that everyone is simply accepted in this universe, but that is not entirely true. Even Vulcans have shown prejudice, as illogical as it is to compare different species from different planets who had different environmental and evolutionary pressures. (Tell me, what's the evolutionary advantage of having no emotions? There isn't one because that was not an evolutionary trait y'all just decided to be >:-I all the time.) DS9 is special because it doesn't just ignore morally grey concepts. They don't immediately spew the "Oh well the Federation is all about acceptance we have absolutely zero prejudice at all!" whenever they get into that conversation. They know that things aren't clean cut like that. So it stands to reason that there are some individuals who still carry negative feelings towards learning and emotional disorders. And when Julian's parents saw their son not being on par with the rest of his class, they got scared. I'm not saying it was right or that I understand their position. As someone who grew up with a learning disability and had to listen to his parents deny it and refuse to get me help because I was "smart" at every parent teacher conference, who had to deal with being called lazy and rebellious, and who didn't know what to do when the school finally snuck me into special classes, I do not feel any sympathy for them. Not an ounce. I'm simply saying that parents with "normal" kids don't try to fix them like that. I'm guessing Julian's teacher suggested it and his parents freaked out. And before anyone says I'm generalizing autism when it's a spectrum, just slow your roll there. I'm not saying all autism spectrum people are like this. I'm saying Julian is like this. His autism is like this. Now further speculation can be made, but I'm gonna end mine here. Dr. Julian Bashir is a much better representation of neurodiversity than the one I see a lot of people point at. (Data is an android trying to mimick humans. Machine. Does not pass Turing test. I'm not downing people who identify with Data, but do remember that he is a robot that can be programmed.) If there are any writers out there that still write DS9 fics, I would be very happy to see more autism spectrum Julian. You don't have to, but I just wanted to put it out there.

[keziacole]

tagged by @bumbleblossoms​ - thank you! 

Tagged Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coffeeeeeee

2. Phone call: My partner, just as they left the dentist. :( 3. Text message: Motherbot 2.0 4. Song you listened to: Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction 5. Time you cried: Uh… some point in the last couple months, I guess? Not sure when, but it was at something related to dogs. Honestly, I did most of my crying last year, during The Year From Hell, and I’m still a bit dried out.

6-92 under the cut. :)

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: As in getting back together again? Nooooo. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: …yup. Often. Sometimes not until a long while later, though!   8. Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge. 9. Lost someone special: Yep. 10. Been depressed:  Eh, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, so no, I don’t think so. Situationally really fucked off with things? Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Once. Story time, everyone! 

So, I generally have a really good alcohol tolerance and a cast iron stomach (not necessarily for good reasons, but hey), but I did once go to a party that ended very badly. I was about 17, had recently been diagnosed with CFS, and was on a heavy painkiller regimen. I drank when I shouldn’t really have done so, because bullshit and All the Emotional Drama, BUT… I did not know that my friend’s asshole brother had spiked my drink. (He was a peach. Gave his 14 year old brother acid once just to point and laugh at the result. Fuckin’ hated that guy.)

At some point in the evening – somewhere after the sham marriages, interpretative dance, and someone putting someone else through a table, because teen parties – I realised I was wayyy more wasted than I should have been, despite the painkillers, and I ended up spending all night hallucinating and throwing up, plus feeling horrific for about three days afterwards. 

Moral of the story: if you spike people’s drinks, you are a gigantic bag of toe lint and should suffer mosquito bites on your asshole for a thousand years. The end.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Purple 13. Red 14. Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Not yet. Befriend me, tumblr, you’re my only hope.  16. Fallen out of love: No, though I have watched my relationship with at least one family member crumble into dust. Does that count?  17. Laughed until you cried: At least four times a week. Which is one big reason why I’m marrying that motherfucker.  18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. See 16. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not yet.  20. Found out who your friends are: Yes, sadly. It sucks when you realise how effectively someone has manipulated the people around you.  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah, I don’t really do the FB thing. I should, I guess?

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: See above. I kind of have a profile, but I only use it to message people I’m related to who are freaking obsessed with Facebook and won’t communicate any other way. Ugh. So… most of them? I guess?   23. Do you have any pets: One dog – Hector, a grumpy and elderly terrier - down from two resident mutts and a boatload of fosters. Older dog died last year, and I’m not in a position to foster right now, which sucks, because I miss having a house full of beasties, not to mention making a difference. 24. Do you want to change your name: Already have done/am doing! I have no real interest in keeping up with more than 80% of the people I’m related to, and I never liked my birth name, plus this is easier to spell and dictate to people, and isn’t known by the abusive assholes in my life. So, yay! 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Ordered pizza and watched favourite movies with my partner. We did The Blues Brothers and shit-talked the progression of police militarisation in the US over the past 30 years, and it was incredibly fun, despite the fact we’re 3000 miles apart right now. Also, they remembered my birthday, which is more than can be said for over two-thirds of the people I’m related to.  26. What time did you wake up: 9am, but in my defence I was up until 3 last night. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking shit with my partner, knitting an afghan, and watching foster kitten cams and reviews of awful movies together, because these are good ways to help someone who has a dental appointment in the morning try to stay calm. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Getting my current backlog of work finished. Sooo clooose…. Promised myself a movie and gaming binge when I’m done. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Last week. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Either having enough money to fix all my problems (yes, in this case, money most certainly can do that), or just being on the same continent as my partner, so we didn’t have this immigration thing to worry about. Not having a debilitating illness that fucks everything up would be pretty awesome, too.  31. What are you listening right now: Freddie King 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, many Toms. All the Toms. Well, like, five plus. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Not knowing whether or not the electrician is going to show up tomorrow, which will mean I need to move the paintings and quilt top I currently have all over the sitting room floor. I’m not done piecing that thing yet. Grr. 34. Most visited website: Lots. Mostly Google, Politico, Reuters etc., but I’m living on eBay right now because I’m trying to sell off a bunch of DVDs, books, and vintage glassware. …Does anyone want to buy some vintage/antique glassware? 35. Mole/s: Yep. I had one removed from my back once. Turned out to be benign (phew!) but I got an interesting scar out of it. 36. Mark/s: I still have a faint surgery scar on my elbow, but it doesn’t look as Frankenstein-y now. Most of my scars have faded, but I still have some weird idiosyncrasies from things that have been broken or busted up. 37. Childhood dream: Writing was always my main thing, but also acting/directing. Illness took that away. Other than that, I always wanted to live somewhere rural with lots of animals, and be happy.  39. Long or short hair: Long. Lots. It’s huge. Send help. I like both on other people.  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Not right now. Give me ten minutes and a new Fet profile to stalk and I’ll get back to you... 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m a creative dynamo and I don’t stop until I fall down. I’m also proud of the fact that I’m a pretty compassionate and patient person, and I like the fact I’m slow to really anger. Someone told me recently I’m a very stabilising influence, and that was nice to hear. I feel like life can use more of that.  42. Piercings: Ears (two left, three right), nose (left). More on the way, maybe, when I can justify it.  43. Blood type: ???? I should check. I know the NHS won’t let me donate blood because of my medical condition, which blows.  44. Nickname: Zia. Some people call me Kez. One person is allowed to call me Admiral Fuckface McAsshole III.  45. Relationship status: Open relationship with my primary partner, technically speaking. Poly is good, but my planner is too cluttered for anarchy.  46. Zodiac: Aries w/ Aquarius moon, Virgo ascendant. I also have Mars and Venus in Taurus, so mooooo. And yes, I did used to do natal charts for beer money. I read palms, too. I’d still do it if asked nicely.  47. Pronouns: They/She. I don’t mind feminine pronouns, because I’m incredibly cis-passing and most people will assume “she”, plus I can live with being labelled female if it’s a binary choice, but I see myself more as a person than a gender, so I love that neutral pronouns are being used so much more now.

FWIW, I considered whether or not I was trans for a hot minute when I was a younger teen, because I used to love passing as a boy when I was a kid (until puberty at nine. Boo.), but for me it was the difference in how I was treated when I passed as male that mattered. It was the difference between “Oh, isn’t he confident and intelligent?” and “Hello, sweetie, don’t you look pretty today?” that affected me, not a real sense of dysphoria, so I decided the problem wasn’t really in how I presented, but in society itself. I have yet to really find a satisfying way of rectifying that, but I think we’re all making progress as a society. It’s very slow progress, sadly.   

48. Favorite TV Show: I don’t watch that many series, but Star Trek (especially TOS and DS9), X-Files (S1/S2), Game of Thrones, old mystery adaptations (all the Agatha Christie ever), Stranger Things, Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad… can’t think of anything else right now, but there are some. 49. Tattoos: One black and grey dotwork spiral goddess on my arm, next one coming soon (watch this space, now I’ve found an artist!) 50. Right or left hand: Ambidextrous. Yes, I can write with both hands. Sometimes, I switch in the middle of the sentence. No, it doesn’t look the same. I can also operate light switches with my toes from a standing position.  51. Surgery: I fucked up my ulnar nerve a couple of years ago by blacking out and falling on some stairs. It was melodramatic, and I lost the use of my left hand. Had surgery to correct it. I was awake but a bit sedated, and spent most of the time talking to the cute anaesthetist about chastity cages. Because... sedated? Yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sadly, he did not call, though I’m pretty sure he did a lot of googling when he got home that night.  52. Hair dyed in different color: Always, since I discovered Olaplex, which means I can actually bleach my hair without it completely frying. Most recently, I’ve had a mermaid fantasy in turquoise, green, and purple, but it’s faded a lot. Not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe orange, or neon yellow again. 53. Sport: I can’t do much without turning blue and blacking out, but I’ve always enjoyed tennis, badminton, swimming, and equestrian stuff. Is hiking a sport? Hiking’s fun.  54. Do you use sarcasm a lot: Um... 

55. Vacation: Last one was to see my partner; next one will be too. So, the woods of NEPA. Hiking out with some granola and my favourite human, and spending a few days playing with shelter pitbulls. <3 Otherwise, I’ve never really been on holiday. I went on a school trip to Germany once where I nearly got arrested and, when I was seven, I went to Malta and there was a hurricane. I remember wedging wet towels into the window frames and hoping we didn’t die, because we were on the twelfth floor and there was nowhere else to go. 

I did go to Norfolk with my mother for four days after her breast cancer diagnosis. Macmillan, a cancer charity that is very worthy of support, granted her a short break. There was a lot of playing dominos and trying to convince her she wasn’t actively dying at that precise moment.

56. Pair of trainers: Converse. All the ratty old Converse low tops in the world. 

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I have the house to myself right now. It’s awesome. I’m celebrating with homemade shiitake tofu stir fry, wontons, vegetable udon… and doughnuts. Not in the same bowl, though. 58. Drinking: Rum. 

59. I’m about to: Finish a short story, close out an editing project, format a print galley (again. Goddamnit, Adobe.), and try to finalise the running order of a poetry collection. Maybe send some emails, maybe eat the rest of those wontons.   61. Waiting for: The dizziness to go away, usually. 62. Want: The time, space, peace and quiet to focus on my work, and my health to cooperate long enough for that to happen. 63. Get married: As soon as possible, which basically means when we can afford it, because immigration, legal wrangling, and a ton of other bullshit. It’s a headache, but if there weren’t so many technical hurdles it would already be done.  64. Career: I write and make stuff. I’m doing it under a new name now, which is daunting, because it means starting over again, but I’ve spent the past few years doing a lot of genre fiction and being told my original work is “too original”… but I’m ready to say “fuck you” to that and see what I can carve out for myself. Come on, internet: don’t prove me wrong, ‘k? 65. Hugs or kisses: Ooh, tough. Yes? I guess hugs if I have to pick.   66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: I honestly don’t care, though I do very much enjoy short subs. Pocket rockets are adorable. 68. Older or younger: It really doesn’t matter. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I guess? Doesn’t really matter. It’s all pretty to look at, but who really cares? Arms are best for hugs. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. I don’t like too loud. 72. Hook up or relationship: Define the terms, yo. I’d say relationship, but the definition of “relationship” can be open to numerous things. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Um… possibly a bit of both, but more hesitant, probably.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I once dropped a contact lens down the back of a gas fire and spent three hours getting it out with Vaseline on a paperclip. My vision is awful and I wore very expensive gas permeable lenses at the time. 77. Turned someone down: Yup. 78. Sex on the first date: Nothing wrong with it (and nothing wrong with sex being the date), but it’s not for me. 79. Broken someone’s heart: So they said. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes, but not how you might assume. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Yep. 83. Fallen for a friend: A couple of times, with varying degrees of success.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: I try to, because few other people often do. (*the world’s tiniest violin plays*) 85. Miracles: Yes, sometimes in the form of coincidences, surprises, or the results of hard work. I believe in inverse miracles, too, when things go catastrophically wrong for no apparent reason. Or, as we call it at my house, Tuesday. 86. Love at first sight: Yes, in a way. Potential for love at first sight, I guess? I’ve usually found I know the moment I meet someone whether that’s a thing that’s going to happen or not. 87. Santa Claus: YES, DAMN IT. Okay, maybe not a literal dude in a red suit, but as a personification of the generous spirit of Non-Denominational-Winter-Solstice-and-Festival-of-Lights, he works. (I’m an eclectic neo-pagan/hedgewitch, but my most loved time of year is the whole October-February period, so I start celebrating Yule/Christmas around December 1st and don’t stop until Twelfth Night. I will take ALL of your symbolism, ALL your traditions, and – most importantly – ALL your festive foods and embrace them. In my belly. Thank you.)

88. Kiss on the first date: Probably. Unless it’s a baaaaad first date. 89. Angels: Again, not so much the literal sense, but it’d be nice to think there are positive presences looking out for us. I’d be very concerned about the serpent-like pillars of fire, though.  

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Aside from my dog, that’s my partner but they don’t like their details shared, so SHHHH IT’S A SECRET. 91. Eye color: grey-blue-thing 92. Favorite movie: You can’t just ask a person that at the end of the thing like it’s a simple question…! So. Many. Movies. Depends on the genre. The Blues Brothers, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Gattaca, Silence of the Lambs, Re-Animator, Die Hard, Stand By Me, Sleepaway Camp, Alien, Lady in a Cage, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, TRHPS, The Great Escape… those are movies I can watch a billion times (and have done). Honorable mentions, depending on my mood, go to things like Basket Case, Caramel, An American Werewolf in London, Exterminating Angel, Secretary, Gran Torino… I could have done 92 questions just on the most popularist movies I like!

tagging: I’ve been away for a few days and I don’t wanna tag people who’ve already done it, so if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! <3

[sleepymarmot]

DS9 season 2 liveblog

[Season index: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 PS]

The Homecoming

They're opening the season with a three-parter about Bajoran-Cardassian problems, and Dukat will show up right in the first episode? The writers are not wasting time...

Sisko's unusually cheerful.

Again, I'm amazed at this new heroic O'Brien who is so unlike the background character I've watched press buttons for years.

One does not simply walk into a Cardassian camp! Unless you're these two.

This is completely crazy! What'll stop the Cardassians from destroying their ship?

Just as I was going to say "Why not beam the wounded right from the runabout?", they actually do so -- but just after exiting it. Is there any in-universe reason behind it, or just the ease of fiming?

Why is Dukat being so friendly? Maybe he has spies among the freed Bajorans? If so, it better not be Li Nalas himself...

Bashir you're embarrassing yourself -_-

Quark, why are you always such an ass to your brother? Is that really necessary?

Poor guy.

Oooookay?? The previous scene made me completely trust him, but now my suspicions are stronger than ever. He's replacing Kira? Seriously? That has got to be someone's plan.

Well, this episode was meaty. And it really seems like the show is finding its feet -- unlike Duet, this episode didn't remind me of the other series and feels uniquely DS9.

The Circle

Aw, Odo's being a good friend! I don't remember him ever becoming so agitated before.

Vedek Winn as guest star? *grinds teeth in advance*

what a mess... I don't know if it's funny or sad. What a contrast to Data's friendly, nice and organized goodbye party :D 

"These are my... these are my friends" 

Do the Prophets really need to show her this sexy crap? Also, I'm too faceblind, is the guy in the vision the freedom fighter or the priest?

Odo and Quark!

I don't understand, which of these two is trying to convince the other to support them? And I don't like how blatantly evil they act.

AUGHHHH NOT A STUPID STARFLEET ADMIRAL AND THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! GET THIS CRAP AWAY FROM ME!

(Seriously though, you say "Prime Directive", I hear "stupid bureaucratic crap that gets in the way of doing the obviously right thing". Either retire it or write it better, dammit!)

The Siege

Okay, I might change my mind by the end of the episode, but this might be the strongest of the multi-episode stories so far.

Aww Nog

"The Cardies" haha

Ugh, don't do the "wife asks husband not to be a hero" thing

The freedom fighter becomes a leader for real!

Sisko and Bashir turn and walk away in sync lol

"Is that a spider or a dog?"

Please stop ruining your engaging story with scenes about cartoonish villains...

I've... actually completely forgotten that O'Brien had been in the Cardassian war until this very moment. That's probably why he has been so opinionated, not just because of Picard. 

That's it? Kinda underwhelming.

Ugh, killing Li Nalas? I didn't expect this show to cling so hard to status quo...

The first episode was the most impactful, but the entire story is still very impressive, epic and engaging!

Invasive Procedures

End of previous episode: Everyone happily returns after evacuation! Beginning of this episode: The station has been evacuated

Quark and Odo: *bicker* O'Brien: Ughhhh get a room already

Previous episodes: main characters defeat the forces of the entire Bajor This episode: DS9 is easily hijiacked by a handful of mercs & amateurs

That's an impressive "As you know" speech, Dax

When will poor Jadzia get an episode that's not about her being victimized and quietly accepting death?

Yes, I get it, the entire thing is just a plot device to show us Dax without Jadzia (and hopefully, Jadzia without Dax, if she'll be awake for it?), get on with it please

I hope the second half of the episode is about Dax working against the antagonist literally from the inside

Well, it's pretty disappointing that Dax by themself has so little personality and moral compass. I guess Sisko was all this time really friends with just Curzon and Jadzia, not Dax. Honestly, it's easier to forgive Quark (who sort of redeemed himself with an amusing scene) than Dax after this episode.

I was planning to go to bed after this one, but hell, I need to wash down this nonsense

Cardassians

I see Bashir has gained a lot of confidence since Past Prologue

"I am no more a spy than you are--" "A doctor"

I guess not everyone is fine with strangers touching them haha

"To us, he isn't even one of them any more" uh.....

"They won't hurt you. They're humans, they're not Cardassians" jfc...

"Don't apologize. It's been the high point of my day. DON'T DO IT AGAIN." 

(Sisko seems to chew out Bashir more often than others. Is Bashir just the most undisciplined?)

Oh, here we go, O'Brien's anti-Cardassian racism again, makes sense for it to be in this episode

Poor Keiko, she's trying so hard

Miles is getting over himself! I'm proud of him

Bashir is learning to yell at people! Two episodes in a row now.

Um, Miles, I don't think it's a great idea to tell these things to the boy's father...

Dukat's neck scared me. is that normal

GOD IT'S EVEN WEIRDER FROM THE FRONT why am I so bothered by this lmao. honestly was their casting requirement "not only be able to look ominous without actually doing anything, but to have an extremely long neck so we could sculpt interesting things around it"? i'm sorry i'm gonna shut up about this now

Garak if you hold that satisfied smile for some time more you're going to turn into a child-drawn picture of a sun

I love that Dukat doesn't even bother to finish the conversation, he just turns around and leaves without a word the moment it becomes clear that he lost

Ugh, poor boy... What a choice. Abusive family he loves and considers his own or the planet of strangers from an unfamiliar culture he hates, both claiming to love him and expecting him to identify with them? Even if they didn't tell who took him in the end -- he gets a bad deal either way.

it's much more easier to take Garak seriously when he's not dressed like a grandma who stopped giving a fuck 20 years ago. that's probably why he does dress like this, though... but shouldn't that hurt his reputation as a tailor?

This episode was awesome! Exploration of social issues, family drama, political intrigue -- all tightly wound together and making perfect sense. So far the Cardassian stories are the highlight of the show, I hope it's going to stay this way.

It's really weird how Bashir changed between seasons. He hasn't gotten a lot of screentime apart from this episode, but he seems less naive, awkward and bouncy, he's grown more confident, and the crush on Jadzia has disappeared without a trace. Tbh I'm kind of disappointed -- I was expecting a smoother character arc that would let him grow before our eyes and phase out his immature traits one by one. Same goes for his relationship with Garak -- we've only seen their meeting and now they act like besties, how did they get here?

No, wait, let me get back to the plot of the episode. So Dukat had a politician's child kindapped just in case that politician becomes his opponent at some indefinite point in the future, so that he could go through another complicated scheme to humiliate him? Had he absolutely nothing better to do?!! Did he arrange something like this for everyone who could ever possibly cross him?

Melora

Um, Julian, that sounded a bit too much like Geordi's style of creepy almost-stalking...

Wait, Melora is Grace Holloway? :D I didn't recognize her until the familiar name appeared on screen.

She complains about being treated differently and about following the same rules as everyone else in the same breath. Did the writers make her hypocritical on purpose?

Why is he doing this? Is he actually interested in her as a woman? Does he want to help her acclimatize? Or to put her in her place?

Okay, the low gravity scene is pretty cute even if it doesn't make much sense

Daphne Ashbrook in all your fandoms, kissing all of your pretty Doctors

so far it seems like in season 2 the good episodes are better than in season 1, but the mediocre ones are worse

god, the writing and design are so bad, I don't want to list everything that doesn't make sense to me, let's just move on

Rules of Acquisition

I was tired but the plot twist woke me up!!

Dax is so sweet

Poor Pel :( Shitty Ferengi values win again I guess 

Well, I'm glad he took a stand after all. And that they kissed. HELP I'M HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT FERENGI ROMANCE

Necessary Evil

Aw, Sisko called Rom "a family friend"

...so do Odo and Sisko perform the bad cop-good cop routine often?

yoo a flashback! I was wondering how Dukat was going to fit into this

"Cardassian neck trick" I... think I've already said enough on the subject lol

First meetings!

First meetingS!

I was distracted for some reason and didn't appreciate this episode enough :/ But it was very good!

Second Sight

Yikes Sisko don't embarrass yourself

"She's a married woman" "That would have never stopped Curzon" ew

ah I've missed the starship uniforms

what a boring episode. can we stop with the love interests of the week, please? I don't understand why the writers are suddenly forcing them so hard this season, and watching three of these in one day has turned my brain into soup. okay, Rules of Acquisition worked, but Melora and this episode were terrible!

(only pros: gorgeous woman, gorgeous dress)

Sanctuary

What was even the point of the universal translator not working for a while? This had nothing to do with the story, and the only thing it did was to remind the viewer how implausible the entire concept is.

Second mention of the Dominion -- I guess we'll meet them in the season finale?

Yep, I'd be surprised if the promised land didn't turn out to be Bajor

Bajoran Leia!

Wait, why is famine a problem? Why can't the Federation just provide Bajor with replicators? Prime Directive again? I mean, they almost seem to want me to ask this question by cutting right to refugees in front of a food replicator.

Why are they so attached to the idea it MUST be Bajor? Ugh, I hate these stories.

Rivals

Are you implying that El-Aurians have supernatural abilities and all this time people confided in Guinan not because she's charming and wise but because she mind-controlled them? 

Julian is a NERD and Miles is regretting all of his life choices that led to this point

(Gosh, I didn't realize how much I've missed scenes where the main characters just hang out together off-duty)

8 minutes into the episode and I still have no idea what it's about

Are you saying that O'Brien and Bashir's tennis rivalry is legitimately the B-plot because I'm really into it

"Not in this space-time continuum you won't"

oh my goooood

wait a sec, the listener is only figuring it out NOW?! h o w

finally, a really fun silly episode!

The Alternate

Wait, so when Odo is in humanoid form, does he see and hear like us, or "percieve" like in liquid form? Does he have 360 degree vision?

Put it back! This is either a defense mechanism or the environment needs this column to function for some reason; beam it back down

So Bashir's crush on Dax isn't dead? We haven't seen it for so long, I thought it was over. But why is he monologuing? that's just bad writing.

plot twist! D:

god, this doctor is so creepy with his Measure of the Man reenaction

poor Odo is literally having a meltdown :(

Armageddon Game

Another O'Brien and Bashir episode, nice!

Poor Keiko

Bashir's speech about wife and children at home is weirdly sexist, especially since the previous episode re-established his interest in Dax, and his previous romantic involvement this season was a fellow Stafleet officer too -- he should have the opposite problem (which was already discussed in "Melora")!

aw Quark, you don't have to hide behind the Rules of Acquisition to admit you care

Whispers

Everyone around seemed to be acting like he smells bad, does this mean that's actually true?

"It's not doctors I have a problem with, it's--" "You, Julian"

jfc Miles, she's your wife, you should try to talk at least to her

Quark can't name a rule of acquisition by number? alright, for the first time in the episode I believe someone is fake

O'Brien is a badass

Are they absolutely sure the dead one is the clone and the real one takes his place, not the other way around? That was an awfully convenient excuse to shoot a Starfleet officer point blank without anyone asking questions... 

Poor communication kills. At first it seems like something is wrong with O'Brien, but since people refuse to talk to him about it, he becomes convinced literally everyone else is conspiring against him -- and turns out, no, the problem was with him after all! And then they kill him off for no reason just to maintain status quo and avoid the Thomas Riker situation. They could have told him at literally any point instead of being so stupidly vague, but no, gotta keep the plot moving for 45 minutes! Before they found the real O'Brien they could have arrested the clone and told him everything, I'm sure O'Brien would understand; and after they rescued the real one, they could have just transmitted the image, if they're so averse to words. And after acting so stupid, as a final insult the other characters keep talking over their poor dying friend in third person like complete jerks. The episode is great... until that ending. Which just doubles my frustration, because it's one thing when a story is mediocre to begin with, but it really sucks when a wonderful episode is ruined by shitty conclusion.

Paradise

Yes, yes, I get it, this woman would do anything to keep this way of life and probably sabotaged the technology in the first place

What's wrong with replicated food? I hate this stupid trope

did she send the runabout away too?

what the FUCK

look, it might be useful social commentary to depict these rhetoric and tactics, but watching it is still torturous

it adds another level of creepiness that all this shit is done to a black protagonist -- was it intentional?

she's a more proficient torturer than the guy from Chain of Command

this woman is one of the most horrifying antagonists in all Star Trek. she actually believes all this shit

the engineer is supporting her? they all want to stay? for fuck's sake. she made them all see five lights

well. if the writers wanted to upset me, they succeeded

Shadowplay

"How fascinating" :D

"Women don't react to me in that manner" What about Lwaxana, then?

"After seven lifetimes, the impersonal questions aren't much fun anymore"

Yeah, why does a 15 year old need a job?!

The local guy is surprised at Odo beaming up and back down, like he's never seen anything like this before, and two minutes later says he has scanned for transporter activity

I like how the Prime Directive isn't even mentioned :D Or is it a human colony? But isn't this the Gamma Quadrant?

"You want me to spy on Quark for you?" so excited, bless him :D

backstory for that one time Miles played cello on TNG!

I'm glad these villagers are not as conservative and stubborn as people from the previous episode

I am reminded how much more modern DS9's storytelling is than TNG's every time they namedrop the Dominion -- like Doctor Who did ten years later with Bad Wolf, Torchwood etc

I knew he'd transform for the little girl eventually :') Odo reminded me of Data more than usual this time because of the friendship with a child and the episode's general similarity to Thine Own Self. But while Data gets along with kids partially thanks to his own childish (in a good way) qualities, Odo is more like a grumpy but caring grandpa -- I'd even say there's some First Doctor vibe. 

(I'm a bit disappointed the episode didn't follow up on that promise of "Bashir practicing his purely theoretical spying skillz on Quark for Kira", because that sounds absolutely hilarious)

Playing God

Fun-loving cool senpai Jadzia is amazing

Interesting that Jadzia doesn't identify with Curzon at all in this case, despite presumably remembering their interaction from his point of view too

I didn't really understand how they solved the problem but I don't care

This is my favourite Jadzia episode so far. She finally got to show agency, have some fun, show off her professional skills, and explore her own identity (instead of standing around silently while other people explore it). And I love how other characters' scenes are vivid despite shortness: Quark playing tongo with Jadzia and giving well-intentioned if unhelpful advice to the initiate; Bashir's friendship with Jadzia and O'Brien; O'Brien calling across the border about his pest problem; Odo, Kira and Sisko's different approaches to the ethical dilemma.

Profit and Loss

Yesss! Cardassians!

Ooh Quark has romantic history with the pretty Cardassian woman?! This is getting better and better

A scene between Garak and Quark! is it my birthday?

"Personally, I find this style to be a bit too radical. But your friend seems the sort who appreciates that kind of thing" Does he know everything and everyone?! Though come to think of it, this shouldn't have surprised me at all -- even regardless of special channels Garak may use, these dissidents might be well-known to the point that their info is freely available on something like stateenemies.gov.car/wanted

I love how he casually rips an expensive dress to make his point

Passionate lover Quark is so strange to see

Odo's good at playing hard to get

lmao I've waited so long for someone to finally to hug Odo and... :D I do also love his relationship with Quark but I never expected these two things to intersect :D

so, did Garak change his mind on the fly or was he just stalling until that guy comes and can be disposed of?

alright, I amend my previous statement about one-episode love interests: Quark is allowed to have them, if all women who fall for him continue to be this awesome

Blood Oath

What, the holosuites have no sound isolation?! If so, who would ever use them for anything more... private than a recreation of a famous battle?

These Klingons have strange hair

It's so nice to see a young, human-looking woman as an equal to three old Klingons

ah bat'leth fighting, I didn't realize how I've missed it

-- and that young, human-looking woman is more of an old-fashioned honorable Klingon than the rest of them

what an outfit

I'm glad the Klingon interpreted her hesitation so favorably

*reads TVTropes* Wait, all these three are from TOS?! Damn... I could barely tell them apart. I really liked the episode, but turns out I didn't appreciate it nearly enough. Time for a little TOS rewatch?

The Maquis 1

What does the word Nor mean? Terok Nor, Bok'Nor...

The Vulcan woman looks great; nice dress.

"Jake-o" aww

Do Cardassians have a thing for showing up right in your quarters unexpectedly?

"We'll need one of your runabouts" "Where are we going?" Nice one, Sisko

"So you turn off my controls so I don't have enough light to take my photograph?" :D  

"Education is power. Joy is vulnerability" Dukat is being very quotable today?

"Of all the humans I've met you strike me as the most joyless and the least vulnerable" "I am when I'm with you"

Honestly it's as if they are writing Sisko and Dukat's interactions for me personally

I like how the Vulcan is taking Quark's courtship at face value

Wait, is Gul Evek that reasonable guy from Journey's End?

I'm starting to understand Preemptive Strike better -- so it all took place in the demilitarized zone? That makes sense. (How did I miss that?)

"I was looking forward to showing you more ways to mix business with pleasure" "Perhaps in the future. I do find you... intriguing, Quark" im screaming hooly shit I'd never have guessed that Quark of all people would be the chick magnet #1 on this station?? how did he manage to meet a woman this line would actually work on

good shit good shit

The Maquis 2

Sisko gives a show-defining speech!

"Vulcans are a species that appreciate good ears"

something tells me Dukat wasn't the one supplying weapons and the Central Command is trying to kill two birds with one stone -- oh look, this lie was so obvious that for once the characters saw through it right away too

"The Central Command wants him dead. That's reason enough for us to want him alive"

Interesting, Dukat suddenly started acting in a theatrical manner I've only seen in Garak before. Some Cardassian cultural thing?

Haha, I didn't even realize where Sisko was leading the conversation! He's excellent in this story

"With that kind of firepower, the Bajorans could have launched a full-scale assault on Cardassia" "And lost"

Damn, Dukat really has his Intimidate skill maxed out! Sisko fails the Paragon check, Dukat passes the Renegade check.

Finally we see someone explain to a Vulcan why they're being illogical instead of making some bullshit reference to emotion. I love you Quark

the only bad thing about this two-parter is that it kinda made me like the Totalitarian Lizard Man a bit too much??? how dare you. let me go back to my wholesome crushes on Bashir and Jadzia before I start stanning or something

oh, and also I hoped this episode would make the Maquis more sympathetic so I could feel better about Ro Laren leaving Stafleet for them... nnnot much.

The Wire

What a great episode!! I wasn't liveblogging at all because it was too intense. I don't even feel the need to comment on drama or character development -- the story and acting speak for themselves.

Alright, how the hell did Bashir reach Tain? How does one get the home address of the former head of secret service of a foreign empire?! And how did Bashir manage to convince Sisko to authorize this stunt and give him the runabout -- or did he steal it?

The "Elim" reveal isn't really a surprise after you've spent some time near a fandom where people tag characters by full name... 

What interests me now: is Garak going to act differently now that he's not keeping himself drugged? Will he go through withdrawal? In the final scene he pretends everything is Back To Normal, but... Or was the table-flipping scene the extent of his withdrawal symptoms?

Another disjointed thought: this is a wonderful example of a satisfying hurt/comfort story 

Star Trek has some amazingly intense dramas for two actors. The Most Toys, Chain of Command, Duet... This one is different because in order to bring the two characters together and at the same time isolate them from the rest of the world, instead of captivity it uses doctor-patient relationship. Oh, another story from a different fandom it reminds me of, now that I think of it: Scherzo.

Crossover

Lmao it's nice that even after leveling up at unstoppable determination and compassionate badassery in the previous episode, Bashir still can be a ridiculous dork 

...though it is pretty jarring that right after a high drama where he shows his capacity for patience and caring, and greatly deepens his relationship with someone, the next episode opens with the awkwardest attempt at befriending (and flirting?)

I didn't expect Garak to appear in two episodes in a row!

Why is Mirror Kira walking like this...

I started laughing at "I don't have a designation, sir" because my mind immediately went to "There's no need to call me sir, professor"

Female Cardassian guard! And Kira called herself attractive, heh.

Mirror Quark is dressed so poorly...

Okay, Mirror Kira definitely wants to fuck herself -- wait, that's actually canon? Do all evil Kiras hit on women? I wish they'd let our Kira do that too. I know it was written in the nineties, but I really don't appreciate the "evil=bi" trope

Well this was pretty weak. The only mirror character who works well, i.e. exposes the real character's darker side, is Odo. Kira looks just weak and hysterical. (Remember how I complained about her acting in the pilot?) Mirror Garak is actually less intimidating than our Garak.

The Collaborator

Can't say I'm very excited to see Vedek Bareil again. I liked him in his first episode for ideological reasons, but this romance...

Oh no, the Sydney Opera Hat is on the Promenade again? Is she planning another assassination?

"Welcome back. You're under arrest"

The episode was not engaging to watch, but I enjoyed the Grey Morality (tm).

Tribunal

These Cardassians have lost all shame, what do they think they're doing

Evek again, and I think another familiar face?

Yiiikes

Here comes the good cop

I'm glad they're not spending an entire episode on a Chain of Command remake. 

Not telling the accused what they're charged with: a deliberate ploy to mess with their mind, or do the Cardassians not even bother to think about these things anymore?

Huh, Odo had a Cardassian rank that's still valid? That's useful.

Alright, but wasn't O'Brien still declared guilty? So the scheme to discredit the Federation worked?

Also, a missing molar isn't good evidence. Maybe it means that man was just captured and processed by the Cardassians, like O'Brien. And why would a spy alter his appearance but forget about this? You'd think humans and Cardassians have different enough teeth that he'd have to get dental implants anyway. 

I found one good thing about the Cardassian "court"! The judge has fabulous hair.

The Jem'Hadar

Jake!

"I bet we'll have a great time!" "I know we will" Please don't say things like this in the opening scene of a season finale...

Aw poor Sisko :D

"Guess" "He said yes" "Guess again"

Aw Quark needs a hug

Aww kids

Aww Odo cares about Quark

"If the Dominion comes through the wormhole, the first battle will be fought here, and I intend to be ready for them." Well. That's a chilling line to end the season on.

As much as I like it when the Federation arrogance is called out, Quark's speech just doesn't work. "The way I see it, humans used to be a lot like Ferengi. Greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We're a constant reminder of a part of your past you'd like to forget." Well, yeah! That was basically the original concept for their species! "Humans used to be a lot worse than the Ferengi" -- so what? 24th century humans are disgusted by the atrocities of their ancestors, so why can't they also be disgusted by the exact same things perpetuated by their contemporaries? Domestic abuse and sexism are wrong, no matter who does it. Note how this entire speech sidesteps the violent misogyny, aka the Ferengi's most obvious appaling trait. This is like saying "Don't judge the Cardassian state for being totalitarian! That's just their culture, you don't understand!"

General impressions

Bashir and Jadzia finally got some character development!

I live for Cardassian episodes. It's fascinating to see a dystopia in the universe that started as a utopia, and see how characters from both sides deal with each other. 

(Random thought: I want an AU episode like "Crossover" where another universe/timeline's Cardassia is a free state, and for a Cardassian viewpoint character our world is a nightmare scenario just like the Mirror Universe is for our heroes.)

I don't loathe Winn as much as I did in the first season finale. That makes her kind of underwhelming as a recurring antagonist. On the other hand, that might be a good thing, because getting so angry repeatedly couldn't have been good for my health. But because they're represented mainly by the hateful-but-not-enough Winn and the bland Bareil, the Bajoran affairs are usually not as gripping as the Cardassian. I hope to see more of their secular politics next season.

First season was very even; second has two irredeemably clumsy stories (Melora and Second Sight), but a growing number of outstanding ones, too. 

First season was already an improvement over TNG in terms of serialization, and this one is better. Both multi-part stories are brilliant, too. I hope this trend continues. 

A noticeable weakness in the first season was the mundanity of the Gamma Quadrant. No sense of wonder, no noticeably stranger aliens. The introduction of the Dominion and their overwhelming threat partially rectified that problem, bringing back some of the feeling from "Q Who". Yes, setting foot in a far corner of the galaxy should be awesome in both senses of the word, and lead the previously unimaginable dangers right back to your home.

The costume design has visibly improved in this season!

[componentplanet]

Deep Space Nine Upscale Project Season Finale: What We’ve Brought Ahead

The Deep Space Nine Upscale Project is an unofficial fan effort and not affiliated with Paramount in any way. 

After three months of work, the Deep Space Nine Upscale Project (DS9UP) has hit some milestones that I feel comfortable showing off in greater detail. While there’s still more to do to bring Deep Space Nine into the modern era, I’m proud of what we’ve achieved in the past three months.

I’ve included a broader array of videos in this article. If you’ve wanted to see more head-to-head comparisons and examples of how different settings play against each other, you’ll like what we’ve got in store for you. Footage sources compared here are:

Original DVD: Not much point to the comparison if I don’t show you where we started from. There’s a lot I don’t like about Deep Space Nine on DVD, but I’d recommend anyone buy them compared to streaming the show. In-article designation: “DVD.”

Upscaled MKV: This is the toughest comparison for DS9UP. Topaz Video Enhance AI has a 30-day free trial and a $199 – $299 list price depending if it’s on sale. The DVD set costs ~$110. If I can’t demonstrate a better version of Deep Space Nine than you’d see from upscaling a DVD rip, there’s literally no point in what I’m doing. In-article designation: “MKV.” Original MKV from the DS9 rips I did ~15 years ago.

DS9UP Encode Process: My own work. Because this is an ongoing series of articles and I want to be able to refer to my own encode workflows without confusing people, I’ve decided to use codenames for the major “releases,” as it were. Fortunately, there’s a ready supply of thematically appropriate names near to hand. Say hello to Rubicon, a 23.976fps constant frame rate conversion of DS9’s original variable frame rate content. It’s currently created with Handbrake, StaxRip (AviSynth, not VapourSynth), and DaVinci Studio Resolve. Details on why I’m using Handbrake instead of MakeMKV will be forthcoming in an upcoming article.

Rubicon isn’t perfect — it’s got a ~100ms audio synchronization bug in a couple of clips that I still need to fix, but I’ll iron it out. Besides, it wouldn’t be Star Trek if Season 1 didn’t end with a few bugs to work out.

Previously, On Deep Space Nine The Deep Space 9 Upscale Project…

I was inspired to undertake this project by the work of CaptRobau, who published the first screenshots and video of what an upscaled Deep Space Nine could look like. I investigated the possibility of upscaling the show myself, but the performance figures were daunting and Gigapixel AI often crashes if you attempt to load too many images at once. The idea of manually converting each episode in batches of 2,500 to 5,000 frames was anything but appealing.

The release of Topaz Labs Video Enhance AI took this idea from pipe dream to possible. While the application is still very new and in need of some bug fixes, its long-term potential is demonstrably tremendous.

Deep Space Nine is, unfortunately, an ideal candidate for this kind of restoration. While Paramount created an absolutely beautiful Star Trek: The Next Generation remaster, the company has claimed the boxed set didn’t sell well enough to justify making an effort for the later shows like Deep Space Nine and Voyager. For reference, this sort of image quality is what major stream providers like Netflix believe is acceptable:

Defending the Alpha Quadrant with the power of moire!

DS9’s lousy streaming quality isn’t news to longtime fans of the show. It’s just that now, there’s something to be done about it. I decided that if Paramount wasn’t willing to treat DS9 with the respect it deserved, I’d take on the challenge myself, despite having no previous experience or education in video editing. Rubicon isn’t perfect, but I think it represents a significant uplift worth talking about.

Up until now, my clips have either lacked audio or had audio badly out of sync with the video feed. That’s no longer the case. So let’s get started:

Tips for Best Viewing, Notes on Quality Comparisons

Be advised that the audio on some of the Rubicon clips is off by a fixed ~100ms. This can be easily corrected for in a video player, but I haven’t had time to figure out why it happened in the first place.

Always set Netflix to play in 4K or the highest available quality, even if you do not have a 4K monitor. This will improve the quality of the stream regardless. The quality differences between Rubicon, an MKV, and the other versions of Deep Space Nine are less apparent at lower quality levels.

Be aware that the largest gap in quality, at least in my opinion, is between the streamed services and the DVDs. That’s not an absolute — there are some scenes where the DVDs are quite poor — but it’s a pretty good rule of thumb.

The gap between the upscaled MKV file we’ve included in this coverage and what Rubicon can achieve is much smaller than the leap from DVD to upscaled footage. When I wrote my first article on upscaling Deep Space Nine, I said that I felt as if running an MKV through Topaz VEAI got you 75 – 80 percent of the improvement that might be reasonably squeezed out of the DVD source, and that still seems like a pretty fair assessment.

Initial Fleet Flyby

DVD:

The DVD looks pretty good here, honestly. There’s not a lot of great detail on the distant ships, but the nearby Excelsior comes through quite nicely.

MKV:

The MKV looks really nice, here. I don’t expect to see the Rubicon encode recover much more detail than we have already.

Rubicon:

The hitch at the front of the video is because of where I cut the frame. Apart from that, Rubicon and the MKV tie here. Not much difference.

Defiant Conversation

Most of my comparisons have been battle comparisons to-date, but not much of Deep Space Nine actually involves combat. This short clip focuses on a range of characters — shows like DS9 have a lot of skin tones, and some AI upscalers handle them oddly.

DVD:

The DVD is dark — Deep Space Nine feels dark overall — but the detail is pretty solid. Dax’s face looks oddly low-detail, though.

MKV:

The GCG preset brings out some nice detail in the clip, but it also creates an odd aberation on the bulkhead over Sisko’s left shoulder at one point. This appears to be an error in the upscaler — the problem isn’t present on the regular version of the MKV — but it shows how important it is to keep every bit of detail, since it isn’t present in Rubicon, either.

Rubicon:

I don’t think there’s all that much difference between the MKV and the Rubicon upscale in this clip, either. That’s not to say I can’t see a difference — if you pause both videos on exactly the same frame, you can usually find a few details that favor Rubicon, and in a few spots, places that favor the MKV. Ultimately, though, I’m not sure how much of the detail is visible. Rubicon has a ~100ms audio delay in this clip that I didn’t notice until it was too late to fix for this article.

First Fleet Engagement

This sequence is one of the great battle shots of Deep Space Nine. The show had been showing us fleet engagements all throughout Season 6, but Sacrifice of Angels was teased hard as something that was going to be extra-special. This isn’t the first fleet skirmish — those have been going on for a while by this point in the episode — but this is the largest pure Federation fleet we’ve ever seen opening up on-screen.

DVD:

The DVD looks like it was recorded off someone’s old VCR tapes. The ships going by in the background look like vague little miniatures. The image is downright ugly and robbed of most of the impact.

MKV

The MKV file is a huge improvement over the DVD. The noise is gone and you can get a sense for just how large an engagement this was intended to look like. Tremendous improvement.

Rubicon:

This is another area where the improvements from Rubicon over MKV are small, but definite. Watch the leading edge on the saucer on the lead Galaxy-class vessel in the two clips and you’ll see that it’s blurrier. Rubicon is slightly sharper overall, and it’s easier to follow the Galaxy-class vessels as they move from the background to the foreground of the video. Until I upscaled this scene, I didn’t realize that the Galaxy-class ships moving through it near the end had even been visible in the back of the video. When I said you’ve never really seen this footage until you upscale it, I really wasn’t kidding.

Second Fleet Engagement:

The second, climactic battle of Sacrifice of Angels. I’ve showed short clips of this fight sequence before, but this is the first time I’ve shown the whole thing. This was one of the all-time high watermarks for DS9’s VFX team.

DVD:

The DVD is, once again, badly marred by noise. It’s difficult to read the hull letters on the Miranda-class ships and there’s a weird aliased grill on the bottom of the Miranda saucer. Several interlaced frames are prominently visible. It’s a dismal way to experience such a beautiful set of scenes.

MKV:

The MKVs, as expected, dramatically clean up the show. Again, I can’t argue with anybody who says this footage looks gorgeous in upscale. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be writing this article.

Rubicon:

Rubicon eliminates all but a trace of the aliased pattern on the underside of the Miranda-class hull, smooths out the motion overall, and cleans the noise out of the smoke billowing around on the Defiant’s bridge until it just looks like, well, smoke. Detail levels in the Rubicon clip are just a touch higher.

How About Some Footage From a Different Episode? Any Episode?

No matter how bored you are of looking at Sacrifice of Angels, I promise you, you are not as tired of it as I am. I’m literally better at lip-reading than I was before I started this project. With that said? Your wish is my command:

It was important to me to demonstrate that Rubicon could stand up to footage in other seasons without modification. I used exactly the same process to render “The Die is Cast” that I did for the rest of the show.

Looking Ahead to Season 2

I’m declaring this the end of “Season 1” of DS9UP for several reasons. First, I’ve got a move coming up, and need to turn my attention towards it. Second, I’m long past due to circle back and talk to some folks who have either wanted to help with this project or are already actively working on efforts of their own. Third, I want to pause long enough to hammer some remaining issues out of my workflow, understand some of the problems I’ve had over the past few months a bit better, and return to the idea of improving the color balance of Deep Space Nine through some judicious changes.

As things stand, I’ll be writing a follow-up article to this one over the next week or so, with some additional examples of alternate workflows and outcomes when using applications like AviSynth. In addition to 5Sharp, I’ve got a ~48 fps and ~60 fps version of Deep Space Nine that have their own strengths and weaknesses. We’ll also finally be taking a look at Gaia-HQ.

I couldn’t have completed the work I’ve accomplished to-date without help from a number of people, including Gary Huff, Mark Renoden, Steve Reeve for some deinterlacing solution ideas, and help from several members of the Doom9 forum. Shortstack, I still hope to chat with you about recoloring ideas. Anybody else who deserves to be on this list, I sweartogod I’ll update it as soon as I’ve slept.

What We Brought Ahead

Deep Space Nine is too good of a show to be left rotting on DVD-era source. For all Paramount’s talk about the high costs of remastering, I’d love to see the breakout of recutting all of DS9 and Voyager compared with the cost of a single episode of Discovery. Back in 2017, leaked data showed the budget for Discovery at $8M – $8.5M per episode. Supposedly TNG’s episodes cost $70K each to remaster, but let’s assume VOY and DS9 are more expensive, at $100K each. The $34.8M it would take to remaster 348 episodes of TV works out to… about 4.5 episodes of Discovery?

Paramount could build a better version of the show than I could even hope to create — but since they aren’t going to bother, I figure I’ll keep up my own efforts.

On the night the last episode of Deep Space Nine aired, I carried my IBM K6-233 tower out to the living room, ran a 3.5mm cable from the audio-out port on our VCR into the line-in port on my sound card, and made a recording of the following. It’s been one of my favorite moments of the show ever since it aired, and I can’t think of a better way to end what I feel has been a very successful “season” thus far, than with a little James Darren.

Rubicon’s credits. I’m actually a little more partial to the ones I released back on April 27, but the Defiant’s motion is better here.

To the actors, artists, creators, directors, set crew, sound crew, and anyone else I’ve forgotten: Thanks for creating a show so damn good, people still rally around it 25 years later to see it treated with the respect it deserves.

May the Prophets guide you.

Now Read:

Deep Space Nine Upscale Project Update: ‘Sacrifice of Angels’

Deep Space Nine Upscale Project Update: Variable Frame Rate DVDs Can Burn in Hell

How to Upscale Video to 4K, 8K, and Beyond

from ExtremeTechExtremeTech https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/310176-deep-space-nine-upscale-project-season-finale-what-we-brought-ahead from Blogger http://componentplanet.blogspot.com/2020/05/deep-space-nine-upscale-project-season.html

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

Headcanon: Julian Bashir is autistic and has frequent sensory overload, and the only two people who can help him are Garek and O’ Brien. Me? Projecting? It’s more likely than you think!!!

Ha, moooood. Which on that note I have a somewhat intense fic here in which Julian has a meltdown. It’s not related to sensory issues so much as “oh boy a lot of shit’s happened to him” but if you want more O'Brien helping him out after this – so because we gave that fic to O'Brien, let’s give this one to Garak.

Also can we talk about the fact that it’s canon that Julian and the other augments can hear sounds at decibels that non-augments can’t and that it causes them pain, but Julian just taught himself to not react, like fuck, how did someone write this and not follow through on Julian-Bashir-is-autistic-and-or-otherwise-nd!

sorry for taking so long, a. this got a bit longish so it’s under a cut and b. I got distracted by the fact that I always want to see everyone’s notes on reblogs in case of interesting discussion points and i have just now learnt that that cannot be done easily if a lot of people reblog at once… oh hyper-fixation how you get me time and again

this takes place post-Doctor Bashir I Presume and alludes to the fact that during this time Garak and Bashir’s interactions were gradually stripped away in the show (because it too gay) - Andy Robinson ran with that in A Stitch In Time and had Garak write about how much he regretted the two of them not remaining close/hinted that he was in love with him… so take that background as you will.

—— More Space ——-

Thank goodness, he thought after an indeterminate amount of time. O'Brien was here. He would be able to calm him down, he would know how to come up with some soothing description of exactly which of DS9’s pistons or pipes or programs was currently making that noise and he’d either fix it or stay with him until it sorted itself out. Or maybe the noise was gone and the residual whining was just himself recreating it perfectly in his head, or maybe he was just too far gone by now for it to matter, but O'Brien would help. Since the two of them had become friends and some of Julian’s old ticks had returned after his augmentation had come to light, Miles had been a surprisingly steady presence in his life.

“Doctor?”

No, not Miles.

Garak.

He couldn’t make himself respond. His body felt like it was compressing him into a vice, with all his ability to focus somehow splintered into a million shards, each of them painful to the touch. Oh no, what if Garak touched him? If Garak touched him right now he might shatter or scream or something else entirely outside of his control, but talking was also impossible right now, so he couldn’t ask him not to touch, please don’t touch-

Garak sat down in front of him, far enough away that it didn’t feel like too… much.

“Doctor. You don’t need to say or do anything.”

He could manage that.

“I was wondering why you’d missed our lunch date. Very pleased to find you didn’t simply opt not to come without telling me, although I find the alternative to be distressing.”  He stopped talking for a moment then. “Apologies for breaking into your room. Again.”

While Garak simply sat and occasionally spoke Julian was dimly aware of the fact that he could feel his edges hardening again. The shards were being pulled back together.

He also noticed now that he was freezing. It usually happened like that, having sat sedentary for however long or coming down from some emotional extreme. He shivered.

“This station is cold,” said Garak.“The temperature, the lights, the people… all too cold.”

Julian managed a smile and it was like his mouth was freed from a curse. “It is, isn’t it.”

“Not to mention loud,” Garak added.

“All that machinery,” Julian nodded and spoke slowly. His mouth still needed to unstick. “Every time an alarm goes it’s like a sharp pain… I used to be… much better at this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I used to… I used to get these all the time as a child. Meltdowns, shutdowns, I think. But then my parents told me later that it was a side-effect of the augmentations and I tried to… to will myself to stop them, to bypass my natural instincts in order to not be found out and it worked, in a way, or at least nobody found out. I familiarised myself with and categorised any sights, sounds, smells, feelings I came across on earth during my Starfleet training and ordered them into lists and sublists: What I could handle mostly, what I could handle sometimes, what I needed to avoid at all costs. I managed to… to pretend. And then I came to Deep Space Nine and for awhile it was all too much again, I had to make new lists, but I managed, I really… I really did, I really did, I really-” he was talking himself into hyperventilating again, he knew this, but he couldn’t stop now, “- and then I got captured and it was like everything just stopped. I barely- I don’t even remember most of it, but when I got back it was so much worse -”

“Julian,” said Garak and the sound of his first name coming from Garak’s mouth surprised him back to the now. “Julian,” said Garak again. “You’re here. With me. On a floor that is quite cold, I might add.”

Julian breathed out and mumbled under the exhale. “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.”

“What is that,” asked Garak.

“Counting my fingers. It… helps.”

“Noted,” and the easy way in which Garak seemed to have just accepted that he would be helping Julian again in future was another shock to his system, but then why wouldn’t he? Even if they hadn’t met up as often as they used to. Even if he was untrustworthy at heart and Julian could never figure out why Garak wanted his company at all. He found he missed Garak’s simple and complicated nature. It grounded him, somehow.

He got up off the floor, reaching out for Garak when he stumbled. He held him just tight enough to make sure that he wouldn’t fall. Not overcrowding – Julian suddenly remembered that Garak was claustrophobic. He must know how easily sensory inputs could become too much.

At Garak’s questioningly soft hold on his arm, Julian nodded and he helped him to the sofa. “Would you like some water?”

Julian nodded. As Garak went to fetch it, he began to talk again. Somehow… he just needed to get it out now, like an excision. “After the truth came out my mother told me that they’d been lying. I mean, they’ve been lying about so much, but specifically about this. I’ve always been like this. Or. Some of it. The meltdowns. I thought… those memories weren’t real. But now they are? Some of them. I’m having trouble sorting them.”

Garak handed him the water.

“I developed a theory,” said Julian, forgetting to sip.

“Tell me your theory doctor,” said Garak, his tone of voice tender as he sat down beside him, again, close enough if he needed him, but not too close.

“I was wondering why a heightened inability to process inputs was a side-effect of the vast majority of augments, when I had this inability before my augmentation. I started to suspect that it was less to do with the augmentations and was simply… who we were. The augmentations gone wrong could throw that into extremes, but that may have more to do with medical trauma responses than… anyway, I can’t confirm until I have more data. I did research into my own developmental delays, the medical history – it’s fascinating how we repeat cycles actually, first it was considered a form of possession or changelings, then it began to be classed under a broad form of what would be known as schizophrenia, then divided into narrow and still somewhat inaccurate categories of autism, aspergers, adhd, add, high and low functioning etcera, and then was gradually broadened again under general brain-differences known as neuroatypicals or neurodiverse,” he took a breath and continued: “- I’m not too interested in 21st century history honestly, but I know the government upheavals affected medical classifications and concepts of what was known broadly as “disabilities” at the time, and that it fundamentally shifted again once we formed the federation. But then -” and here he started gesticulating widely in excitement or outrage - “it all becomes the same just repackaged, doesn’t? Stigma against augments who are overwhelmingly people like me is stigma against neurodiversity is stigma against the “possessed,” it’s…” he trailed off. “It’s all the same,” he finished lamely.

He’d become very aware suddenly that he’d done that thing that annoyed most of the people he ever conversed with, running his mouth while forgetting the other person. But Garak didn’t seem annoyed. He was listening intently, in fact. At the pause he even nodded and offered: “The history of such matters is different on Cardassia. Or rather, mental and developmental differences don’t get acknowledged on Cardassia.”

“Eugenics?” said Julian with a frown.

“Not as such. We don’t mind in theory, as long as everyone can perform the tasks they’re assigned to. It’s a… class thing. If you belong to a powerful family and are expected to do great things in the army or politics or the sciences, being unable to do so for any reason is usually – what is the term humans use? - “Swept under the rug.” But then someone like you, dear doctor, if you had been Cardassian it might surprisingly have been easier for you.”

Julian shook his head. “My abilities are due to my augmentations. I’d have been… I don’t know. Not me,” he said softly.

At that, Garak gave him a look that he couldn’t pin down. Something… surprised for a moment, almost? Then smoothed out into an enigmatic smile. “Perhaps. From what you tell me you’ve always processed like you do, you’ve just been given better tools to translate and more…” he searched for the word for a second, before landing on: “space.”

At that Julian burst out into an unexpected laugh. “I certainly have enough space out here. More than enough, I’d say.”

Garak’s smile deepened. “But it doesn’t matter. Either you were always going to be able to pursue medicine and the stigmas of your parents and surrounding society were preventing you from discovering that on your own, or your augmentations made you unlock new abilities. But on Cardassia someone with the kind of passion you possess would have done well, with or without them.”

“If I were born into the right class. And if I didn’t get arrested for being fundamentally against the militaristic state.”

“Naturally,” acceded Garak. “And I must say I’m quite relieved to find the incorruptible, perfect federation comes with its own flaws. One wouldn’t have expected it with the way humans constantly go on about it.”

“Oh, we go on about the federation? According to you Cardassia is superior in culture -”

“- oh, definitely -”

“- politics -”

“- without a doubt, my dear -”

“- criminal justice system?”

“- well, we’ve never brought a wrong case before the court-”

“- I know you’re just saying that to rile me up-”

“- my dear doctor, when have I ever been anything but sincere?”

“- when have you ever said anything you meant?”

“- I am offended, truly-” said Garak with a big grin on his face.

Julian found it the easiest thing in the galaxy to return.

“Remember to drink your water,” he was reminded, gently, before they continued their lunch discussion. It was a moment in which they both forgot that they had ever begun to drift apart in the first place.

—— The End ——-

[littlewalken]

Dec 19

Okay, made the DS9 magazine idea its own post. Someone do something with it. A lot of someones do a lot of somethings with it. 

Sometimes writing is a team effort or whatever. 

I hope writing out that DS9 magazine idea doesn’t use up all my idea brain chemicals. I got some more reference pics printed out yesterday for arting and there’s only a few pages left to finish in my small grey sketch book and the first pocket mechanical pencil one. 

Sort of that want to finish them up sort of thing. 

The larger reborn baby I did years ago turned up in the hoard. Nothing is stopping me from remaking it in to something else. This one would be good for one idea and the smaller one for another. 

I feel a bit more energized mentally at the moment but I need to be careful what I do physically. 

I’d actually love to be home and do some of the home based activities I have to do but there are times where others in the home make it feel impossible. My shot nerves are telling me that Xmas day when I can’t possibly go anywhere will be nothing but the Life Ruiner screaming. 

You know what, there are mentally ill people who are violent and do asshole things on purpose. The Life Ruiner can reasonably control her outbursts and behaviors if she wants. She choses not to. She choses to say vile things that rile up everyone around her and it’s easier to tell everyone else to mind themselves than make her act reasonably. 

Yeah, so all those supposed ways you can tell someone is supposed to be lying? Make sure the “liar” isn’t from an abusive past where they were gaslighted, dismissed, and had to add details to make their story more believable because they grew up with a pathological liar who was usually believed over them. 

I am very to the point when I answer questions because I am used to someone else interrupting, talking over me, and hijacking the conversation to the point that I rarely if ever bother to even express myself so yeah it’ll look like I’m hiding something. I’m hiding the fact I exist. 

At least I got that DS9 magazine idea out so other people can do something with it so that’s a happy thought to hang on to.