#Then I can bash my head in like I've been trying to prevent because even my most desperate attenpts to avoid it are failing

[pressure-change]

What a waste...

[cookinguptales]

...huh. After getting that ask last night, I went back and reread some of my old Osomatsu-san karabita fic and like. Damn, I was really going through some shit back then.

There are a lot of them that I could be talking about, being honest, but I really mean that damn wingfic. It's wild looking back at it now because the vibe is kind of like I decided to just get fully naked for all of my readers and they just clapped politely. I'm not sure I've ever written anything more painful or more honest, to the point where I honestly cried a little reading it even now.

Like... I know it's a wingfic for a crack anime but I feel like if I just printed that fic out and handed it to every therapist I ever had, we probably could have saved a lot of time and effort. lmao

I know some of you reading this now followed me even back then (which is wild to think about, and thank you for sticking with me for that long) but for the uninitiated, one half of that pairing is very small and kind of underdeveloped and is canonically sensitive about it, and I wrote a fic that explored that insecurity through a fantasy AU with wings. (Wingfic was super popular in Ye Olde Fandom days but it's less common now and I was feeling nostalgic for it.)

And... I mean, it's true that I was looking at that character trait. But I realize now (and think I knew even then) that it was really about exploring my own insecurities re: my disability (and my childhood trauma) and my inability to accept that I could be loved in spite of it. It was a fantasy, perhaps, of someone who'd fall for the person I am and manage to convince me that I am worth loving, in spite of -- or perhaps because of -- my experiences and deficiencies.

Truthfully speaking, I think I was very cognizant of it being a fantasy back then. It didn't feel even remotely possible for me. I felt far too -- well, broken, as the fic said. I've been through a lot of shit. Some I've posted about publicly, some I haven't. And through it all, my body has really just been one betrayal after another.

Even in the fic, this character is thinking that he may never be loved, but at least he can be strong and productive and like. God, I guess that's part of the fantasy, isn't it? My physical problems are only partially visible, as opposed to Chibita's very visible wings in that fic, but they prevent me from doing a lot. Honestly, in many ways, they make me feel like less of a person because of all the things I will never be able to do myself. It's a rough thing to struggle with. I am not physically strong. I'm not always very productive. But god did I hospitalize myself a few times back then while trying.

That said... I've changed a lot in the past six years. Some things have stayed the same, and I still recognize enough of myself in that fic that it hurts to read. But some things have improved. I made some medication changes that didn't exactly fix things, but they have made them more bearable. (Both physically, pain-wise, and psychologically.) I have made new friends and have joined new communities. I've taken up new hobbies and created new loves. I finally found a new fandom to throw myself into, lmao.

I'm still single, I guess, and I still struggle with accepting that someone could love me. I still have problems noticing when people are interested and kind of need to be bashed over the head with it. But... I think, looking back on this fic now, I'm not sure that love was even the real fantasy when I was writing it. Like obviously I wouldn't turn down love and acceptance exactly as I am. Who would?

I think, though, that the real fantasy was that someone would tell me that I'm worth loving and that I'd believe it. I wanted to be loved, but I wanted to be able to love myself, too. That's the hard part, isn't it? Believing that you're intrinsically lovable. And that's what I just... could not accept for many, many years. I can look back on it now and see how that mental block was created; the societal lessons and the people I'd surrounded myself with and the various traumas that I hadn't quite processed. But god, was it hard to break.

But I'm happy to report that these days I have at least a couple people in my life who don't just make me feel valued but valuable. They tell me they like me and slowly, I believe it. They tell me I'm impressive and slowly, I become impressed. They accept me for all my scars and flaws and slowly, I have started to accept myself, too.

I think about that character in that fic I wrote, absolutely touch-starved and yearning for it, and I run my hands down my arms, my thighs, and allow myself to enjoy the softness of my own skin.

(Even if it is a symptom of one of my many illnesses. 🙃)

And finally, I can imagine someone else enjoying it, too.

I know that doesn't seem like some big, crazy breakthrough. I'm not out here like "update, I'm in a happily committed relationship and mentally healthy!" But when most of your life you've felt like love and happiness especially in a physical sense are things that belong to other people but never to you... like, it's a big deal, to look at hands that don't quite work right, that look weird sometimes, that are strange to the touch, and think -- one day, someone will want to hold these. They'll want to. They won't just put up with the physicality of me; they will love it and they will love me and I will let them.

Like I may not be perfect at this point. I may not ever be. But I'm open to the idea of happiness and I find myself optimistic in ways I never have been before. I think I'm ready to let someone love me. And to me, at least, that feels huge.

I look back on the words I wrote seven years ago, and I realize that what felt impossible back then feels dizzyingly plausible now. I know I've made a lot of posts lately about growth and about healing but I just. God, it still feels so novel to me. It's crazy to look within yourself and realize that for what feels like the first time, you are feeling better. And idk if it was the medical changes or the therapy or the people I've met or just -- just the distance from who I used to be. From the things that happened. But I feel tangibly different now compared to who I was then and I could cry with it.

(...I have cried with it. lmao)

idk. Growth is hard and it doesn’t always feel good but sometimes you look back on the person you were a few years ago and you just. You just want to hold them, y’know? And tell them that one day things really will be better.

[eunoiaflow3r]

not ur friend

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

part two - part three

a/n: haven’t written for spence in a while lol. hope you guys like it. wow...and i wrote him as an ass. bahahaha what am i going through i’m so sorry.

warning(s): language. angst. not proofread. will be mistakes.

word count: 1.8k

request(ed): no.

summary: y/n overhears something she shouldn’t have. this conversation alters her relationship.

not ur friend by jeremy zucker.

———————-——————&————————————

Hang up, if you ever think of calling me up. Not afraid to say it, darling.

3 days.

It’s been an entire weekend of you ignoring Spencer and his ever intruding phone calls. This wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the fact that this felt like a breakup. Your head and heart was treating this like you were in a relationship and he made it painfully clear that you weren’t.

It was quiet in your apartment. The television was off, the radio was silent, the heater had paused and even the refrigerator wasn’t making the usual silent buzz noise it made. The deafness of it all allowed the conversation you heard friday night play over and over again through your ached head.

Friday 11:37 pm.

“So Reid...” you picked up your phone when it rang and read Spencer’s name across the screen. It wasn’t like him to call so late but you picked up anyway. When it was a muffled Morgan’s voice you heard instead of Spencer’s you realized he hadn’t even meant to call you at all.

“How’s your girlfriend?”

You just knew all eyes were on him. Spencer Reid was very private about his social life. It was rare he even told you about anything he’d been up to. He just wasn’t one for small talk. The fact that you just knew they were talking about you made you press your phone harder into your ear even though you weren’t even sure you should have been listening.

“Oh y/n? Yeah she’s definitely not my girlfriend.”

This stung. There wasn’t even a label or anything that you guys put on it, but usually when Spencer would talk about his romantic relationships he’d get nervous and stuttery and try to change the subject. Spencer’s voice was clear and steady. Zero hints of nervousness and bashfulness. He was serious.

“Really?” This was Emily now, you could recognize her voice. “You guys seem like pretty close friends if you know what I mean.” Her tone was laced with humor but Spencer’s was far from joking.

“No. I wouldn’t call us friends either. She’s just someone I visit. Like y’know...how you would a grandmother.”

A grandmother? He compared you to a grandmother? He said visiting you was like visiting a grandmother?? You could feel the tears in your eyes. You really thought Spencer was a good guy. Why would he say something so rude? Something so hurtful about the person he was sleeping with.

It wasn’t a friends with benefits. You guys had agreed on that, but you weren’t dating either. You had met him at a museum and ever since then you two had behaved as if a couple would. The only difference was that you weren’t public. You weren’t posting pictures, or gushing over how cute you thought your “boyfriend” was to your friends. And you were fine with that. Labels are constricting. You were glad not to have them except when he decided to say he barely knew you at all and compared you to a grandmother.

“Damn.” Morgan sounded impressed. “Does she know that?”

“Maybe.” Spencer paused. “There’s nothing really romantic about our relationship. To be honest, she can be a bit needy at times and it’s suffocating.”

He paused again.

“I’m actually thinking of breaking things off. She wants more and I just don’t like her that way.”

Sorry, I'm not sorry if it hurts. I don’t mean to make it worse.

This is where you hung up. Your tears never stopped flowing. How dare he? How dare he say you were needy and suffocating? You rarely asked him for anything, and didn’t bother him with things at all. You knew he was a busy person. A busy and hardworking person. You never tried to ask him for more than he was willing to give. Ever. It hurt your heart to think he was playing you the whole time.

It hurt to think that all the “I adore you’s” and “I think I’m in love with you’s” were all fake. You were pretty sure with the way things were headed that you and Spencer would have much more than just a relationship. Much more than sex and cuddles. But a meaning - an understanding.

Spencer was your comfort. Your safe place. The person you’d go to if you were hurting, or in trouble. You were his. Countless times he came to your house and cried to you about the stress from his job. He’d hold you and tell you all about his day and what more he wished he could have done.

You’d buy him his favorite food and he’d cuddle you to sleep only to wake you up in the morning with kisses and great morning sex. To hear all of that meant basically nothing to him tore your heart to pieces.

It made you want to throw up. Had you wasted your time? Had he felt this way the entire time and you just never noticed because you hoped he felt the same? Were there signs that you missed? Something you could have done to prevent yourself from falling this hard for someone who didn’t care?

But you thought he cared.

Spencer was the most caring, empathetic person you’d ever met in your life. He was so understanding in a way no one could ever get.

I've decided that I'm not your fucking friend.

This is why you thought that maybe this is why he tried to hide you. Maybe he just was afraid of his friends not liking you, or afraid of someone from where he worked would try to hurt you. You prayed this was the case. You hoped and cried that this was the reason he’d ever let those words leave his mouth.

The reason you couldn’t believe this though is something understandable.

He had never, ever, called you anything other than his friend, and never wanted to go out.

He told you it was because he was protecting you, but he never wanted to even meet your friends. And when you talked about a guy or introduced him to one, he’d get upset and say something like, “Yeah well he seems perfect for you anyway. Not like we’re a thing - do what you want.”

And your brain tried to rationalize this as protection. The more you thought about it the more the other part of your brain screamed manipulation. You tried to ignore it but is that what was happening? Had he been manipulating you the entire time and you just never knew it?

If he was protecting you he wouldn’t call you needy. He wouldn’t not even bother to look at your friends. He wouldn’t feel the need to hide you from the entire world and lie about it in such a - douchebag way.

This hurt you though. His team can call out a liar faster than anyone and they would have said something if they thought he was lying. They would have defended you. The wouldn’t have egged him away and joked about you like you were some embarrassing one night stand.

You expected respect and decency and got dishonesty and asshole attitudes instead.

After the weekend of pitying yourself you realized you needed to stop. This wasn’t your fault. He has issues of his own. Issues he needs to work out and come to terms with on his own. Why should you feel anything for a man trying to hide you? Lying to you? Lying to his friends ABOUT you. Reassuring yourself helped but didn’t help the ache in your heart.

Were you ready for this? Were you ready to throw it all away? After all it could just be a misunderstanding. A misinterpretation. It could be your fault. Maybe you were clingy.

No.

No. Absolutely not. You weren’t going to try to defend his actions.

Right now, there's not much that we agree on. Sit down, if you need someone to lean on.

You called him.

“Hello?” he answered right away. “Where have you been are you okay? I was gonna come over and check.”

“Don’t come over.” You cleared your throat and blinked away tears.

“Then please come to mine. I have to talk to you, I missed you.”

He still has no idea. He doesn’t have a clue what you overheard on the phone. All the pieces of the puzzle you put together. All that you’ve realized in the past 3 days.

You rolled your eyes. Any other day you’d think his obliviousness was adorable but right now it only made you want to punch him in his stomach for lying to you and wasting your time.

“I’ll be over to give you your things.”

And you hung up.

That was so hard for you to do and you had hot wet tears running down your face to prove it. No matter how many times you tried to brush them away they just kept on going down.

Fuck him.

A shower and a change of clothes later you were finally ready to see him.

Honest, if I'm coming to your place, it's to say it to your face...

In your car you tried to talk yourself out of it. You told yourself to just forget the phone call over happened and just go back to the way things were. At least you here happy then...at least...sort of. You were okay. You were happy with him. The time you spent with him was enjoyable but you were tired of being his therapist. You were tired of being his dirty mistress. You didn’t want to be lied to or lied about. You were over it.

When you got there he rushed you in the house and looked down at you confusingly.

You had never been inside his place. The only time you were ever really here was when you were inside waiting in the car so that he could change his shirt.

“I thought you were coming tomorrow?”

“I came now to give you your things.”

“JJ will be here soon, you should probably leave. Why did you bring this stuff?”

“They’re yours. They shouldn’t be at my place.”

He looked confused but took the box from your hands anyway.

“I’m leaving.” You simply said and turned towards the door. The sooner you were out the better.

“Can I at least have a kiss?” Spencer asked in the cute voice he knew you liked.

You closed your eyes. “Sorry Reid, but no. I don’t want to seem needy or suffocating, ya’know? Makes it easier to break things off.”

Color drained from his face as he realized what you were talking about. He couldn’t even come up with an excuse other than a - “No, baby I -“

You put your palm in the air facing him telling him to stop.

“It’s okay. I was just someone you visited...like a grandmother. You shouldn’t miss me too much. We’re not even friends, right?”

You walked out of the house.

You walked out on him. Your heart was beating out of your chest. He was always the one to leave. He was always the one to say goodbye.

I've decided that I'm not your fucking friend.

—————————————-#————————————

taglist: @hotchsbabygirl @pinkdiamond1016 @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @samyilf123

[tinisprout]

No Doubt in Us

Chapter Seven - They'll Be Fine *written chapter below*

Fiance!Haknyeon x Fem!reader

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Synopsis: Life is great, you have your dream job, you finally got your first big break, and you are now engaged to the love of your life. Happier than you’ve ever been, you live life one day at a time. Then one day a terrible accident happens leaving you in a coma. Where you finally awake, everything is not as you remember. Amnesia takes away 3 years of your memory, forgetting your beloved Fiance. Faced with a reality that seems unreal, as your mind is stuck in a past with uncomfortable memories, your future with him is uncertain.

Send me an ask if you want to be put on the taglist for this series

Taglist:@my-summer-night @deputyjuyeon @juhaktheoneforme @sunqnew

Sorry for the late chapter I've been very busy

Word count: 3.6K

Neither of you knew who fell asleep first, let alone at what time you fell asleep. What you did know is that it wasn't enough sleep. Both of your eyes were red and heavy after waking up by your alarm. Maybe setting it to 9:30 was a mistake. You look at Haknyeon who was sitting up trying to keep his eyes open.

"You know I love you, but I blame you for this." He uses his hands to refer to both of you.

"Excuse me, if I remember correctly we both were tweeting, Diamonds aren't forever lyrics." Bickering like this with him seemed to be so far away before yesterday, but after talking with him last night you felt a lot closer, he felt like a friend.

"Ugh fine, equal blame." He smirked, enjoying this little banter. You get up from the floor hitting your face to wake you up a bit more.

"Better." You reach your hand out to him, and he takes it pulling himself up. "Alright, clean up time." You swipe your phone off the ground checking to see if there was anything new. Just in time, your phone buzzed a new message from your mom.

Mom: Hey Honey, I know we said we'd come over noonish, but your father got very excited to make something for you guys. He already bought everything, so forewarning. We'll be there in an hour give or take. See you soon.

You turn to Haknyeon showing him the message. When he looked back up at you, you asked, "Since when did my dad cook?"

"Hmm, maybe a year now?" He says almost unsure of it himself. "But that's a story for later, your dad will love to tell you. We have about an hour to get this place in order before they come." You text her an, “ok”, back.

"Okay, let's get some speed cleaning done." You both work together to fold the big comforter. "I'll bring everything back upstairs." Haknyeon nods at you.

"I'll take care of the kitchen area," he calls out to you. You felt a little bad, you left a lot of dishes there. I'll just work faster so I can do other things. The sounds of clinking dishes and shuffling feet filled the house, both doing various tasks around their home. When they were finally satisfied with their work they both went to sit down on the couch to rest.

As if cursed preventing you from resting, a knock came from the door, making you both stand up again. You check your phone, 10:53 a.m. a little over an hour from the time your mom said. You both scurry to the door. You could hear the familiar voice of your mother conversing with your father, it brought a smile to your face. It felt like it had been such a long time since you last saw them, and maybe that was the case, you weren’t sure. Still, you opened the door eagerly for them.

“Mom,” you say with a big smile on your face. You see that she is carrying bags in her arms and you take them from her, ushering her inside. “Come in.” Following behind her was your father with bags in his hands as well, “Dad.” You set the bags down and your father does the same.

Everyone except Haknyeon was crowding the entranceway. You looked at your parents, they seemed a little bit older than the image you had of them in your memories, and you felt your throat tighten. When they looked at you, they scanned you from head to toe, touching your face, lifting your arms, making sure you were really okay. Their actions make you chuckle, “I’m okay, I promise,” you say trying to reassure them. Their baby girl was really okay.

“You’re okay,” Your mother wraps you in a hug, “It’s okay, you’ll be okay, honey. I promise.” Your words being thrown back at you like that made tears prick your eyes. You brought one of your arms around your mother and your other hand reached out and tugged your father’s shirt urging him to join you two. Creating this group hug the three of you had a tearful reunion, saying I love and I miss yous to each other.

Despite how close he was to your parents he still felt like it wasn’t his place to be there in your moment, so he waited patiently by the side, smiling at the happy little family reunion. Your father pulled away looking and looked in Haknyeon’s direction while wiping away the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “Come here, son. You’re part of this family too.” Haknyeon was shocked by your father’s words.

Regardless of how close he was to your family, this moment felt like it was too personal to be a part of, especially with how things are now, so he hesitated to come closer. You and your mother pulled away from each other and she looked to Haknyeon as well. “It’s okay, Dear. Don’t act like a stranger.” As she said that, your mother spread her arms out, welcoming him. Your parents looking at him as one of their own, Haknyeon felt overwhelmed with emotions. They looked so sincere to him and he couldn’t deny them, so he came to them as they wished.

“It must have been hard on you too.” The three embraces and Haknyeon felt a different kind of comfort compared to his friends’ comfort. This parental comforting feeling that he didn’t know he was craving. Since the whole incident, he didn’t tell his mom about a single thing, he knew she already had a lot on her plate, he didn’t want to stress her out. Tears pooled in his eyes, your parents could feel his shoulders tremble and their hearts broke.

Crying the stress away felt so much relief and gratitude for your parents. Haknyeon thanks them and everyone takes a moment to clean themselves up, wiping away the tears, this peaceful calm now over the room. You and Haknyeon both take the bags your parents brought and lead them further into the house, dropping the bags off in the kitchen. “So, Haknyeon said I should ask you guys about Dad cooking. Why is that suddenly your thing?” You ask, bringing in a topic that should be a happy conversation.

Your parents hum at the same time thinking. “It’s definitely because of Haknyeon,” your mother says while nodding her head.

“It was when we came over. You are your mother went to go get something, so you left the task of cooking to Haknyeon,” your father chimes after. You look to Haknyeon and he nods confirming your father’s answer.

“I had your dad help out a little here and there. I think he first got interested in the seasoning process.” Haknyeon smiled as he thought back on the old memory. Your father and Haknyeon recounted their first cooking experience together, many laughs filled the house. Then your mother piped up at the end of the story looking at you.

“Needless to say when we got back home, take-out needed to be ordered. Whatever scaps they salvaged was not enough to feed the four of us.”

“I was lucky your mother let me touch a stove again, let alone walk in the kitchen.” Your father passes a playful smile to your mother.

“That’s right, you’re lucky that the scraps you offered were not that bad. Now that I think about it that was Haknyeon’s doing, wasn’t it?” She teases him and your father feigns sadness.

“It hurts me that you would think that way, Dear.” This familiar banter between your parents brought a smile to your face, they were still as in love with each other as you had always seen them. Your eyes subconsciously moved to Haknyeon, a smile still holding on to your face. You didn’t expect to see Haknyeon's eyes already on you, the corner of his lips lifted, your eyes went wide. Haknyeon, as if caught doing something bad looks aways, but realizing how silly he must look, his eyes found their way back to you.

He gave you a bashful smile and you tittered at the display. The moment is broken up by your mother motions you over to her. "Well you boys can have fun cooking together again, I need to catch up with my daughter."

"Have fun, Ladies. We'll call you if we're done here before you." Your father shooed you away from the kitchen and took your spot by Haknyeon. You and your mom decided to go out to the back porch, taking a seat at the small table set up you had.

"So, honey, how have you been lately?" You sigh.

"I have been better, but I'm working on it."

"And what about you and Haknyeon?"

"It was a little difficult at first, but we decided to try and work it out. He seems really nice and he is fun to talk to, but I don't know if I can fall in love again, it's all feels so sudden.”

“That’s understandable. We love Haknyeon, but if you feel he isn’t right for you anymore, don’t be afraid to say so. We’ll be here for you no matter what.”

“I know, I think falling for someone like him would be nice, but life isn’t that easy.” Knowing how your relationship was with Haknyeon, she thought it was almost impossible that you wouldn’t come to love him again, but she kept her mouth shut. That was something you needed to figure out on your own, she didn’t want you to feel like you had to be with him, even if that’s what she hoped for.

“What about your friends how have they been fairing with this?”

“We’re good, I think. They are understanding about everything even the ones I don’t remember. They seem like good people.”

“You always had good taste in friends, if Chanhee is any indication of that.” You release a deep sigh, feeling your soul shrivel up at the thought of Chanhee. Your mother looks at you with confusion, “What happened?”

“We got into a little argument.”

“Some things just never change do they,” She chuckles. Watching the both of you grow up she witnessed some of your fights and had sometimes been the one to help you two patch things up. “You’ll be fine,” she really wasn’t worried, the two of you always found a way to make up.

“Yeah, I’ll work on it.” The conversation veers off from its current direction. The two of you talked about what you could and couldn’t remember. She told you about stories of yourself she could recall, and then some stuff about her and your father. There didn’t seem to be a big change with them and that brought comfort to you, knowing that some things were still the same as you remembered.

Meanwhile, inside the house, the two men were cooking. Your father was instructing Haknyeon on how they were going to make lunch. When the cutting proceeded, your father spoke up first.

“So, have the two of you made any decisions yet?” it was a sudden question but he could only assume he meant about the status of your relationship.

“Well it was a little complicated at first, but she said she wanted to try dating me again, so we kind of started our relationship over again.”

“You think you can make her love you again?”

“I- I’m trying to be hopeful. What she saw in me before, she can see again.”

“Personally, I don’t think you should worry that much. I’m not saying to not try and win her over, that will still take some work, but I can’t see her not falling in love with you again. Do you know how much happiness you brought her? I think you’re already set up for success, just don’t screw up.” With his last words, the knife he was using slammed into the cutting board with a loud thud, cutting through a carrot and the cut-off piece went flying.

“Please be careful,” Haknyeon says as he picks up the carrot piece and throwing it away.

“That was an accident, I was distracted.” He stops trying to cut and looks a Haknyeon. “But on the off chance that things don’t turn out good and she decides that she can’t love you, through no fault of your own, then just know whoever she picks after, I won’t like them as much as you. You’re like the son I never had.” Nothing like a little dark humor to lighten the mood.

“Thank you, Sir.” Haknyeon felt sheepish at his words, even though it wasn’t the first time he’s said something like that. Light-hearted small talk continued as the two continued prepping, besides the one mistake in the beginning the cooking process goes on without a hitch. Soon enough the house filled with a tantalizing smell. When all is done, your father goes outside to call you can your mother back for food.

When you finally come back inside with your mother you are greeted with the sight of Haknyeon contentedly setting the table for everyone with care. Your eyes lingered on him, looking at the half-smile to yourself, His smile is nice. It gives him a friendly endearing look and you didn’t notice you started smiling looking at him till your mother nudged your arm, dragging you back to reality from the daze you were in, giving you a knowing smile as she looks from you to Haknyeon and back. You turn away from her not saying anything feeling flustered at the realization of what you were doing and walk ahead of her. You could hear your mother snicker, this causes Haknyeon to look up at you then your mother and his smile grow.

“What’s so funny?” You felt your face heat up, Why did he have to look now?

“It’s nothing.” You try and hide your embarrassment with a smile and Haknyeon looks at you suspiciously before letting it go and telling you both to have a seat at the dinner table. Taking up the offer you sat and soon the table was set and everyone was seated. To your delight, the food looked, smelled, and tasted good. “My compliments to the chief,” you nod at your father approving of his cooking, and glance at Haknyeon in acknowledgment of his help.

“Careful, Honey. Don’t inflate your father’s ego too much now or he’ll start to think he’s better than me.” It’s true, it wasn’t as good as your mother’s cooking, but he had potential.

“Just you wait, I will be one day.” Your father shoots a stubborn glare at your mother, causing everyone to laugh. The meal warms you up from the inside and you stuff yourself with your first meal of the day. Thinking about that you realized two things: Haknyeon also didn’t eat before this and this is the first time you’ve had a meal with him, so you glance over at him, catching him mid-bite. If your eyes could they would have gone as big as when he opened his mouth to take a bite.

Haknyeon greedily shovels the food in his mouth and when he notices you staring, he stops mid spoon, mouth still agape. You bite on your top lip to stop yourself from laughing at the silly look he had. Sure, it was shocking to see him open his mouth like he was about to unhinge his jaw, but in its own, weird way, it’s cute and charming. Haknyeon just felt like he was embarrassing himself too much today. You mouth an apology and he pouts his lips a little, your small interaction going unnoticed by your parents as they were currently in their own world.

Lunch with your parents continues with light conversation and when everyone had their fill you started to help clean up, but your mother stops you.

“Thank you, but we got it. You and Haknyeon go take a rest for a bit we’ll be done soon.”

“You sure?” Both you and Haknyeon ask.

“Yeah, go, go.” For the second time today, you are shooed away in your own house. You went going to cross swords in helping since you felt your tiredness hit you again after eating. The two of you decided to take a seat on the couch, leaning back into the cushions and leaning your heads back. You felt this amazing comfort perfect for dozing off, you wonder if Haknyeon is feeling the same.

“It’s not just me, right? I feel so warm and sleepy now.”

“Hmm?” Way ahead of you already he was starting to doze off too and you smile.

“Sleepy?”

“Yeah…” You both can’t help but let sleep take over you despite the noise coming from the kitchen. When your parents finish cleaning up they call out to the two bodies on the couch, but neither answers. So your mother goes up to both of you and holds back a gasp. She waves your father over and the sight he is greeted to is you and Haknyeon leaning on each other.

As if unconsciously drawn to each other’s warmth, your head rests on his shoulder and his head was laying on the top of yours. Both pairs of legs lean towards each other.

“I was planning to stay here a little bit longer, but I think we should leave now.” Your mother whispers to your father. He nods and they get prepared to leave. Your mother left a note on the counter and your father decided to take a picture of the two of you, making sure to send it to Haknyeon. They leave both thinking the two of you will be just fine.

***

You stirred in your sleep state bringing yourself closer to the heat you felt beside you, but the movement brought pain to your neck and shoulders waking you up. Opening your eyes you lifted your head and felt a terrible stiffness, you realize your head was laying on Hakyneon’s shoulder. Not just that, but you were also in close proximity to each other, almost like you were cuddling. You look at Haknyeon checking if he was awake but all signs led to a no, eyes closed, as his head was leaned back on the couch in an uncomfortable-looking way, his lips parted slightly, chest rising and falling rhythmically. You admittedly feel a little weird being with him like that but it wasn’t bad, besides the pain you felt currently.

You carefully get off the couch so you don’t wake him up. You grab your phone from your pocket, checking the time, 6:48 pm. Surely your parents weren’t here still. You find the note left on the kitchen counter.

I remember you said you mentioning you were tired, so we decided we should just let you two sleep. Don’t feel bad about falling asleep on us, we had a lot of fun see you guys again. Take care.

Love Mom

You go back to Haknyeon on the couch, looking at the position of his head again. Figuring it would be better to wake him up now or else he would end up having a greater pain in his neck. Drawing closer to him you get a better look at his face, his skin was flawless, it looked even better than Chanhee’s skin. You get even closer for a better look and before you realize what you’re doing your fingers slide across his face cupping his cheek, skin just as soft as it looked. You lightly shake his face calling to him, “Haknyeon... Haknyeon, wake up.”

His eyes flutter open, a dazed look on his face, like at any moment he could go back to dreamland. His eyes focused on the visage in front of him, blurry yet he could still see the ever recognizable beauty that was you. His lips moved in an arc and he brought his hand up to your face cupping your cheek in the same way you did his. That is what brought you out of your trance and you were petrified in an instant. You felt your heart shoot up in your throat when you saw the loving gaze he directed at you while rubbing your cheek with his thumb.

This killing blow in it all is when he called you, “Hey, y/n,” with a deep husky voice that you were wholly unfamiliar with. You felt your face and neck heat up, with the intimacy of the situation. Does he realize what he is doing or is he still half asleep? You shot up from the couch not sure if you wanted to know the answer, stepping away quickly, trying to distance yourself from the state of affairs. Startled Haknyeon sits up snapping out of his daze.

“I- uh, sorry.” Haknyeon looked as confused as you were shocked.

“Did I just- I thought I was…. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He truly thought you were just in his dream, it was such a common occurrence that he didn’t think twice.

“No, I started it. it’s my fault.” He recalled the touch of your hand, that kind of contact made it feel almost as if nothing between the both of you changed. Neither of you knew what to say at the moment, so there was a bout of silence. You opened your mouth again after thinking of something to say, asking a question straight from left field, “Can you help me? I need to apologize to Chanhee.”

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[tiaragqueen]

Can i request a yandere!tarzan! Jungkook? I've been thinking about it a lot lately but nobody seems to done it :""))

Champing At The Bit

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Tarzan! Jeon Jeongguk x Reader

✂ Word Count: 3,6k+

✂ Trigger Warning: Animal attack, blood, death, obsessiveness, possessiveness, sadism

✂ This story is fictional and for amusement only. I don’t believe any of the members would do this in real life. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day!

Donot re-upload my writing to another website or use it without mypermission.

[Edited]

***

Okay, so… I might have gone a bit overboard on this one. This is probably the longest one-shot I’ve ever written, but I don’t know. The edited version might be shorter, tho. Why, you look at that. It’s longer than the unedited one.

If you like mywriting, please support me on ko-fi!

“One way or another, I’m going to find ya. I’m gonna get ya. One way or another, I’m going to win ya.” – One Way Or Another [Blondie]

You didn’t know what to expect from this scene.

No, scratch that. You hadn’t expected this to happen at all.

You had always known that your baby brother was more sociable than you. It was a trait you had been long secretly envious of. There was something from him that easily attracted people to him, either from his smile or overall mannerisms. While you were approaching your early twenties, your social skills remained undeveloped. It didn’t help that you had a tendency to overanalyze things, too.

However, you would later learn that your introversion wasn’t a curse as you had initially thought. In fact, it could save you from the doom that would soon befall you.

“[Brother’s name], what… what are you doing? Who is he?” you asked, brows furrowed deeply and eyes widened in an overwhelming mixture of confusion, shock, relief, fear, and wariness.

“Ah, Noona!” your brother beamed once he spotted you and enthusiastically pointed to the stranger in question. “Look, I’ve got a new friend! His name is Jungkook, but he likes to be called ‘Kookie’.”

Your mouth slackened as you glanced at the pair back and forth, trying to make sense of their relationship. Well, it wasn’t like you misheard what your brother said just now. In fact, you heard it a little bit too clearly for your liking. But of course, what kind of a normal human being would immediately accept the fact that their sibling had befriended a fucking Tarzan in the middle of a forest?!

‘Kookie’ shrunk a little and bowed his head when you averted your attention to him, displaying his shyness towards strangers. At least, he wasn’t aggressive. That was a plus. You didn’t know what to do if there was a young man, wearing nothing but a dark ripped cloth to cover his lower part, were to attack your brother. You cleared your throat to distract yourself from the disturbing image.

“Well, that was nice and all but can we please go back to the camp? Mama has been waiting for you, you know?”

[Brother’s name] bit his bottom lip, and it didn’t take a genius to know that he hesitated to leave this ‘Kookie’. Was it possible to create such a close relationship with someone you just met? Was he really that interesting to your brother until he felt reluctant to go?

“Can we bring him too? He looks so lonely…”

You didn’t bat an eye on rejecting his ridiculous suggestion, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, [Brother’s name].”

There was no way in hell you would bring that guy to your parents. They might not panic much, but you didn’t want to deal with the consequences should something bad happened. He might get a panic attack – or worse, go on a rampage – if you forced him to meet other people.

“But can you at least introduce yourself first, Noona? Kookie might be shy, but he’s very curious about you.”

How the hell did he know that that guy was curious about you? Did he suddenly possess a sixth sense or something? And besides, that guy refused to look at you in the eye!

“Oh, um, I…” Fuck this shit. If you wanted to leave, then you better deal with this quickly. “Uh… Hi, Kookie. I’m [Name], [Brother’s name]’s older sister.”

Was that friendly enough? Could he even comprehend what you just said? Judging from the way [Brother’s name] grinned when he glanced at the said man, you assumed that he indeed understood. To some extent, probably.

“Kookie said you’re pretty, Noona.”

How did one accept a compliment from a Tarzan? You didn’t know, you never bothered to know, and you definitely didn’t expect to know how. And that was why your reaction was painfully awkward, even cringy if someone were to watch this whole interaction.

“Oh, thank you. He’s… he’s handsome too.”

That wasn’t a lie. He did look handsome. And cute too. With long eyelashes that framed his doe eyes, chubby cheeks, healthy pink and plump lips, down to the tiny mole that you almost missed. You had no doubt that he would gain a lot of admirers had he was more… normal. But what was normal for you, might not be normal to others. And with his fidgety mannerisms that just screamed bashfulness and awkwardness throughout, he might end up as one of those wallflowers or an antisocial that avoided people altogether.

No, actually, the latter seemed much more likely to happen. It was a miracle that your brother even managed to befriend him in a span of twenty minutes.

Another reason for you to be insecure about.

“Okay, introduction’s over. Let’s go back, shall we?”

[Brother’s name] nodded, satisfied with what he thought was a successful conversation. Linking his fingers with yours, he skipped down the trodden path that led to the campsite whilst smiling happily. With your back turned, you were able to sense Jungkook’s penetrating gaze as opposed to the occasional timid glances earlier.

A shiver slithered down your spine.

It had been days since your first encounter with Jungkook. And ever since that, your brother had been secretly meeting him under the pretense of ‘exploring the area’. Of course, you being you, refused to accept his excuse at face value, unlike your parents who had shown a positive reaction over his so-called adventure. They even made another comment on how you should ‘be more active like him’ instead of ‘spending your time doing useless things such as constantly playing your phone’, although they didn’t know what you truly did with it. Just because you often play your phone, didn’t mean you always searched meaningless things. Sometimes, you liked to explore stuff and looked up some facts.

Obviously, they didn’t understand that. Not that you wanted to. There was no reason why you should convince someone who was too stubborn to change their mind.

The latter was also why they decided to make this spontaneous camping in the first place, much to your dismay. You had initially planned to spend your whole summer working on that story you had been procrastinating for so long, but your parents thought that it was time for some ‘family moment’.

And because you cared about your brother, despite your envy, you’d decided to ‘join’ him. Your parents were excited and thought that you finally ‘opened up’ to the world. You had ignored their gushing and accompanied your sibling in meeting his new friend.

Jungkook, although shy, was very talkative once a close bond was established. You didn’t find this very surprising, to be honest, since you yourself weren’t much different than him in this aspect. But what astounded you was the fact that he seemed to take more interest in you, more than he did to your brother. [Brother’s name], being a naïve boy he was, felt happy with this development. Thus, he took it upon himself to act as the ‘accommodating guide’ by answering Jungkook’s silent questions that – frankly speaking – sounded more like hushed whispers and occasional hoots. You didn’t know that it was possible for someone to gain a skill in communicating with Tarzan within such a short time, but that was what set him apart from you anyway.

Slowly, but surely, Jungkook started to open up more and more with you. From light, albeit hesitant, touching to bashful smiles; he did everything he could do to ensure that your attention remained on him alone. He even tried to speak to you once, but your overt inability to comprehend his words prevented you from fully understanding what he said. It wasn’t as if you wanted to know, either.

Honestly, you didn’t know what to feel from this so-called development. On one hand, you were creeped out at the fact that Tarzan had taken an interest in you. But on the other hand, you were flattered that someone actually found you desirable for once. That someone would make an effort to get to know you, or by the very least, including you in their conversations and not neglecting you as most people did.

The last day of camping came at the blink of an eye. [Brother’s name] kept sobbing that he wouldn’t be able to visit Jungkook again, while you awkwardly patted his small back. Comforting people wasn’t your forte, but for the sake of people you loved, you were willing to do anything for them. Even if it meant handling their emotional outbursts.

“Come on, [Brother’s name]. We need to go home.” you murmured, yet he merely cried harder. Before you, Jungkook didn’t provide any assistance whatsoever except watching him for the past five minutes.

“B-but, I can’t see him again.” [Brother’s name] blubbered.

You wished to say that he would be able to meet Jungkook once he was a bit older, but you couldn’t exactly promise such a thing to him. Life sometimes got in the way of achieving what you wanted, and that was why you refused to go around spreading empty words unless the odds were favorable.

“Okay, well…” you glanced around, racking your brain to come up with a perfect solution that wouldn’t leave [Brother’s name] even sadder than he already was. “Why don’t you say goodbye to Kookie now? Who knows, you might feel a bit better.”

[Brother’s name] sniffled, but luckily, he obliged to your suggestion. Approaching the quiet Jungkook, he threw his small arms around his neck and sobbed into his bare shoulders.

“Kookie, I’m leaving now.” he croaked with a voice that broke your heart a little. You’d never expected to get teared up from witnessing such an emotional scene, even though Jungkook was nowhere near emotional. His face remained blank as he blinked repeatedly, as though unaware of a child weeping in his embrace.

Damn him. He could’ve at least made an effort to appear affected.

Sniffling once more, [Brother’s name] withdrew from the one-sided hug and smiled bitterly. “I’ll see you again, Kookie. Please don’t forget me.”

Jungkook stared at him for a moment before turned to you. His dark eyes were hollow yet piercing as if trying to gauge your reaction through your ‘friendly-sister-of-a-friend’ façade. Maybe he did, then that would explain why he kept watching you lately. If you could even call that ‘watching’ because it looked more like observing than mere watching. Still, it didn’t make the experience felt any less unnerving.

You simpered at him, nonetheless. Couldn’t show him your discomfort, could you? For all you knew, he could be planning something and a glimpse of your true feelings might be something he’d deeply anticipated. “Well, Jung– I mean, Kookie. I think it’s time for us to go. It’s been an interesting week, and I can’t say that I regretted meeting you.”

Just a little, though. You had always doubted that Tarzan existed, especially in such a modern world like this, but his existence proved otherwise.

Jungkook stepped forward and suddenly brought you into a deep hug. Stunned, you let him buried his head into your stomach. You could’ve sworn that you heard him purring too, yet that was the least of your worries. Jungkook had never been this bold before – he always retained some degree of shyness in expressing his affection – so perhaps he finally felt comfortable with you? Enough to embrace you without a warning like this?

“[Name]…” he mumbled against your shirt. Your eyes instinctively widened, while [Brother’s name] gasped in astonishment.

“He spoke!” [Brother’s name] squealed, clapping vigorously as if he had witnessed first-hand something extraordinary. That would be understandable considering that Jungkook never seemed to speak before. “He finally spoke!”

You didn’t know what to do in this situation. No, scratch that, you knew exactly what you wanted to do. You wanted to run – away from this forest and its nonsense – and never looked back. Being observed was enough to put you on the edge, and now he decided to call you by your name too? This should’ve turned on the warning bell in your head. And as much as you wished to shove him on to the ground, you still had the decency to gently push him away.

“Oh, did you hear that? Mama is calling us. Let’s go, [Brother’s name]!” On the spur of the moment, you came up with a not-so-believable lie and grabbed his hand.

[Brother’s name] sputtered in shock. “B-but, Noona, I didn’t–”

“Goodbye, Kookie!” you exclaimed with more vigor than necessary, or what would one expect from a farewell.

You dashed through the trees which homogeneity seemed to confuse you in each minute, determined to make it into the campsite before it was too late. Why did you feel this way when the forest looked safe? Honestly, you weren’t sure yourself. You just had this hunch that something was wrong the moment Jungkook averted his gaze to you.

Or maybe the darkness and desire in his eyes gave it away.

Either way, you couldn’t afford to rest even if [Brother’s name] had been panting since earlier. You wanted to prove to yourself that your hunch was incorrect; that it was merely a suspicion or a secret fear that Jungkook would try to harm you and your family. Maybe it was somewhat unfair to place the blame on him when he hadn’t done anything wrong than just being his shy, creepy self. But it wasn’t like you could trust someone you met a week ago. You weren’t that careless.

During your rushed journey, you’d prayed and prayed that your hunch didn’t come true. That it all just happened in your head. But nothing, absolutely nothing, could prepare you for the massacre that greeted you at your destination.

Bodies laid on top of each other, eyes glassy yet profound with the unfairness of being the innocent victims. Some of their limbs looked like they had been forcibly ripped out from their sockets, leaving bloody bones that protruded through the rugged flesh. Their clothes were torn, mouths opened in a silent scream that fell on deaf ears, and they were looking up the sky as though it could lend a lifeline to save them from their untimely dooms.

Bile climbed from the pit of your stomach as you covered [Brother’s name]’s eyes, afraid that he would be traumatized by the horrible sight. He was still young and pure; he didn’t need to see what his parents had become. Charred and torn beyond belief and recognition. Sure, you weren’t really fond of them due to their tendency to compare you with [Brother’s name], but they didn’t deserve to die. Nobody at this campsite did, honestly.

“Noona!”

You gasped when someone – or rather, something – snatched him from your grasp. A black chimpanzee stood in one of the branches and held him against its chest, shouting incoherent things to you. Despite your disinterest towards monkey and ape species, there was a hidden fear deep inside your heart that was reserved for the chimpanzees. Especially when they were cornering you right now, a helpless and panicked human. You didn’t know if chimpanzees could eat humans, but you did know about their cannibalistic habits.

And now, your beloved baby brother was held as a captive.

What kind of a shitty movie was this?!

“Do you still… want to leave, [Name]?” a breathy voice asked in a broken sentence, showing their slight inexperience of speaking human language.

Your expression went cold as you slowly turned around, wishing that the speaker was nothing like what you thought them to be. However, your hunch was proven correct once again.

“Jungkook,” you hissed, gritting your teeth in a refrained anger. As much as you wanted to lash out to him, you knew that the chimpanzees wouldn’t take too kindly of it. You just knew it. “What the fuck is this, huh? Explain this!”

“Calm… down.”

“Don’t tell me how to calm down, you piece of shit!”

As expected, the chimpanzees started to get hostile over your equally offensive approach. Some were already approaching you, ready to tear you to bits had Jungkook didn’t raise his hand. The clamor stopped as soon as it arose, but the aura they emanated was still murderous. Peering to Jungkook, you concluded that he must be a leader or some sort.

Would it be weird if you say that you weren’t surprised in the slightest?

“[Name], you have to… know that you can’t… leave this forest… as you please,” he explained without looking at you. Oh, so now he was acting haughty, huh? Where was the shy boy who couldn’t even see you without blushing?

“So what? People come here all the time, yet they’re free to go anytime they want. Why the fuck should I be any different, huh?” You pointed a finger in his direction and glowered, trying to display an aggressive body language despite your huge difference in power. Maybe those chimpanzees would back down somewhat?

Well, no. Because you could hear them growling in the background.

“Because… you’re special.”

You narrowed your eyes, clearly not amused with his half-assed excuse. If he thought that he could convince you with that, then he would be dead wrong. “The fuck–?”

As if on cue, the chimpanzee who held [Brother’s name] captive suddenly took a chunk out of his left shoulder. You froze in shock, watching the blood spurted from the wound like in slow motion. The sound of his agonized scream echoed in the forest, when not even a single cricket dare to chirp. All witnessed the chimpanzee brutally lacerated his flesh until the bone and tendons were visible to the naked eye.

“Stop! Stop!” you finally shouted after a moment of stupefaction, the aggressive facade shattered when tears started to trickle little by little. “Stop this, please! I… I’ll do anything! Just… just, please. Don’t hurt him. Please. I’ll do anything, I swear to God.”

Jungkook’s face lit up almost instantly. However, you were too busy worrying about [Brother’s name]’s state and dread over his looming death to notice it.

If only you saw his joyous face right now, or the smug smirk that closed your and [Brother’s name] fates…

But it wasn’t as though you could compromise his safety for the sake of your selfishness, right? No matter how much you envied him, no matter how much you wanted to be like him for just a little – a moment – he was, and would always be, your little brother. Your younger sibling.

Your beloved baby brother whose existence you’d been anticipating ever since your mother announced her pregnancy.

Your beloved baby brother who saw you for the first time with those sparkling doe eyes and pouty lips.

Your beloved baby brother who held your pinky finger and beamed that cute smile of his.

And most of all, your beloved baby who always made you smile and laugh when the world seemed to turn its back against you.

It was funny how easy it was to say ‘I love you’ to your exes, any time and any day when you had never said it to your own sibling.

What kind of a big sister was you?

“Really…? Then, I guess… you don’t mind if you become mine, right? I’ve been waiting… for this moment.” Jungkook inclined his head and smiled softly as if reminiscing something. “That kid… has been irritating me to no end.”

There was only regret and anger left in your constricting chest when Jungkook moved to hug you from behind. Regret for not being able to help your brother, and anger for being so fucking useless.

But what were you, compare to a horde of chimpanzees waiting for the right moment to strike?

What were you, compare to his authority and power?

And what were you, to resist your own fate?

You let those sturdy arms wrapped themselves around your chest like a straitjacket and sobbed. Resting his chin on your shoulder, Jungkook sighed contentedly.

“I’ve been waiting… to hold you like this… ever since… you appeared. It feels… nice.” He peered towards the damned chimpanzee as though he barely remembered that they were here in the first place, and their presence ruined his ‘peaceful’ moment. Never mind the fact that he was probably the one who had ordered them to ambush you.

“Everyone,” you stopped sobbing for a moment and waited with bated breath his next demand. What was he going to say? What was he going to do? Hopefully, he would release [Brother’s name] and allow him to live. After all, you had willingly give yourself to him. Surely Jungkook wasn’t that evil, right? There must be some humanity deep inside him, however small it might be.

… Right?

“Eat him.”

The chimpanzees immediately charged at [Brother’s name] from every direction without any hesitation whatsoever. You watched in horror their sharp teeth sunk into his skin and ripped it like a starved animal. He wailed and writhed in their hold, wishing anyone to help him.

To save him.

To rescue him.

“No, no, no!” At this point, you actively struggled against Jungkook’s much stronger grip as you kicked and screamed for them to stop. For him to stop. For everything to stop. “Why are you doing this?! Stop!”

“As I said earlier… you’re special. And I can’t… let that kid… get in the way of our happiness.” Jungkook buried his face into your sweaty neck and smiled, ignoring your resistance and cries of help. “Now, we can finally be together.”

[deputy-ripley-adams-blog]

I think you're the most beautiful man in the world

Morgan/Female Reader (smut)

I love my cowboy 💛

You could watch him for hours and sometimes you tried to, but most times he could feel your eyes on him and he'd catch you staring at him like some love sick puppy. Every time he caught you he'd give you one of those bashful smiles and messed with his hat as he bowed his head at you in greeting, you did what your instinct told you to do which was to retreat as quick as you could. Arthur Morgan was one of the most handsome men you had ever set your eyes on. The sad thing about this was that Arthur never seemed to know how handsome he was, many times you had heard him put himself down or compare himself to other men, you wished with all your heart to just tell him all the things you thought about him. Thinking about telling him is easy enough but actually telling him to his face was almost impossible, last time you had gone to tell him he had been sat on his cot, the button up shirt he wore was partly open and he had smiled softly at you with his journal in hand. You had started panicking instantly and as he had reached out for you to help, you ran out of his tent with a shout of 'goodnight!' despite it being only midday. The girls had been relentless about your last encounter, the fact you had screamed goodnight at a man for smiling at just 12 o'clock in the afternoon was the most hilarious thing in the world. Karen always offered to tell him for you and you are pretty sure that Mary-Beth is basing the new novel she's writing on your misfortune and pining, the only supportive one had been Abigail - she often sat with you and just talked about love and about knowing if someone was the one. And to you he was. Arthur Morgan was the love of your life and he didn't know and at this rate he was most likely never going to know.

You screamed into your pillow loudly. You had opted to spend the night at the Valentine hotel, you needed a pity party for yourself and this what you chose to do, you had a bar of chocolate and a bottle of whiskey on the bed you lay on, the pillow was pressed to your face as you face planted into it on arrival. At that all the other things on your mind crashed down on you, how sad did you look staying in a hotel on your own? You honestly felt like the saddest and most pathetic woman in the world, which you were - pining after a man who had only offered you small talk and smiles. But boy were those smiles something.

Knock Knock

You ignore it at first but then the banging becomes relentless and the door shakes as the door is pounded on. When the door handles starts being twisted you decide that it was probably smart to answer before that seedy hotel clerk busted the door down. Groaning you lift your head off the pillow and look towards the door, using the most polite voice that you can seemingly muster during your mental crisis you respond to the person who keeps knocking in hard taps,

"Sir I only want the room - no baths or anyone or anything needed thank you,"

The person on the other side stops their banging but their shadow doesn't leave from behind the door, "Y/N? You in there?"

You're pretty sure your eyes almost pop out of your head, quickly you lift yourself off the bed and look at the mirror, your hair is unruly from the pillow screaming and the shirt you're wearing is crumpled to pieces, you're also only in your underwear. The door handle is tugged again with a concerned call of your name. With a silent scream to yourself you pull at the shirt as if that'll help make it cover more of you and you open the door.

Arthur stood on the other side, he was shifting as he waited. He was in a soft,blue union shirt with the buttons undone, you had to control yourself and avoid looking at the exposed skin of his chest, that would be a key weakness and you had only your room to run into this time. There was no way past him if you wanted to bolt forward anyway. Arthur took up pretty much the whole door way with his bulk. He looked worried and slightly annoyed, his hair was damp near his ears and his neck was flushed which gave off the impression that he had been running around or striding quickly in his usual sort of movement.

"What are you doing here? Is something wrong back at camp?" Your fingers gripped the door hard as you looked up at him, his chest was heaving slightly and you watched as his hand lifted to point right at you.

"What are you doing here? You didn't tell anyone where the hell you were?"

You had. You had told all the girls, you had told Mrs. Grimshaw and hell you even told Hosea who had suggested the idea in the first place.

"I did Arthur - I'm surprised no-one else told you I was here,"

He took a breath as he stopped his pointing only to cross his arms, he seemed annoyed which you couldn't understand so your grip on the door only tightened.

"You didn't tell me,"

Your eyes widen as you stare at him, "I have to tell you that I'm going to book a hotel?"

That caught him off guard, his whole body seemed to tense at your question, in typical Arthur fashion he bowed his head and shifted as if unsure of what to do with himself. When he looked back at you his mouth was in a straight line and his eyes flickered to you and then to your room as he tried to peer in.

"Arthur I'm fine, I'm just going to spend the night here and then I'll be back at camp in the morning,"

"Look I - I just wanted to make sure you was safe is all - could hear ya screamin from the other side - almost kicked the damn thing down - ya got someone in there with ya? He ain't hurting ya is he?"

He heard your pillow tantrum? Your face erupts into a deep blush as you look at the concern on his face, he averted your eyes when he saw your reaction but that didn't stop him from trying to look back in the room as if expecting the mystery man to reveal himself anytime soon.

"I - I - I'm alone! It's just me!"

Arthur didn't look convinced. He was a clear example of someone's reaction to listening to absolute bullshit. With a nod at you, he puts his hand near his holster and taps his fingers against his gun, "Then I guess ya won't mind me havin a little look then,"

You stammer as Arthur carefully manoeuvres you out of the way and pushes himself into the hotel room, you watch as his eyes scan the premise for any danger before settling on the crumpled cushion and the goodies on the bed. When he turns back to you his eyes widen when he takes you all in and you then realise that before you had been able to smartly conceal yourself behind the door, but now you were completely exposed - Arthur had been given a clear view of your underwear and the hairs on your body stood on end as he gave you a quick once over. He lets out an embarrassed cough as he adverts his eyes and with that you return to your previous seat on the bed and thrust the pillow into your lap as you cross your legs to hide yourself.

"See I'm fine,"

"I can see that,"

The room feels really warm now and you glance at the window thinking of a new escape plan.

"Doesn't explain the screamin though does it?"

You laugh slightly, which comes out as an awkward set of cough as you stammer again, "I - I - I just had to have a little moment. To ge - get it out of my system! Just a good old scream and cry to get the juices flowing,"

"Somethin the matter?"

You thought about his question, and all you wanted to do was scream yes at him as he stared down at you, you think about telling him but with him looking at you with those eyes you throat tightens. But this was your chance and like Abigail had said - you had to take it eventually. Besides if you didn't what were the chances that Mary Linton was finally going to get Arthur crawling back to her, her letters were more consistent and of course Arthur went back to her to help. If you didn't speak now you were going to lose him.

"Can you turn around?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just I got something I want to say but I need you turn around please,"

Arthur gives a bemused smile but does as you ask, his back faces you now and you stare at how broad it is, "Ya coulda just said my ugly mug was botherin ya,"

You knew it was supposed to come out as a joke, but you knew he wasn't, and that was the trigger point for you.

"I hate it when you say stuff like that, I hate it because it's far from true,"

"Y/N I w-"

Arthur begins to turn around but you quickly interject to stop him, "Turn around please! I'm not done," he twists his body back round thankfully, but his back is tense as he stands stiff.

"Arthur. God I thought it would be easier with you turned around! I - ah - I -"

"What?"

"I think you're beautiful Arthur,"

He snorts at that.

"I really do! I think you're one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen! And - and not just based on what you look like! You - you're kind and strong - I - I've seen how much you help others and how compassionate you are whether it's with the others or your horse and - and -"

You stumble on your words, something wet hits your hand and you realise you're crying, Arthur stills stand stiff still as he listens to you and seeing the reality of what you're doing you let out a choked sob, as quickly as you can you throw yourself off the bed and go for the door. Before you can reach for the handle the door is slammed shut in front of your face, bracing for impact you brace your hands against the door to prevent yourself from running face first into it, you lean your forehead in defeat against the cold of the wood as you continue to sob. Arthur is directly behind you, his hand braced above you to keep the door closed, his chest is against your back and you shift at how warm he is, you almost tremble as he leans into you so his face is closer to the top of your head.

"Ya had more to say?"

"I - I - I can't!"

"You can,"

"Arthur - I - I really can't,"

"I ain't letting you leave till you do,"

With shaky breaths you push your head further into the door, your nails dig into the wood as you try and focus on what to say, "I don't want you to hate me or be angry - I know you wouldn't be - but I don't want you to - to not talk to me again,"

"That'll never happen you know that,"

"I do,"

"Then just tell me, ya got something on your mind, ya have for a while now so just get it all out and then maybe ya can stop running away from me every damn time I go to talk to ya,"

With deep breaths you try and calm the beating of your heart, the thumping of it echoes in your ear drums and the pressure of Arthur breathing against your back isn't helping things.

"I - I -"

"It's okay darlin,"

Was it okay? It was too late to consider that because the long waited words had finally slipped out of your mouth and they came out loud and clear, "I love you Arthur,"

Time stands still. All you can hear is the frantic beating of your own heart and the small choked sobs that escape you every once in a while, Arthur is silent and you press further into the door as the tears start to fall more freely. You watch as Arthur's hands fall from the door, you watch as they seem to twitch before disappearing from view and then the unexpected happens when those fallen hands settle on your hips, his hands are unsure as he holds you but they're warm and steady when he pulls you towards him so his chin can rest on the top of your hair. You can feel the warmth on his breath against your head and you frown in confusion as he sighs against you.

"You know how long I've been waitin to hear that?"

Blinking your tears away you try and turn to look at him but he keeps you planted in front of him, "What?"

"Been waitin for you to say it first, I wanted to - god I've wanted to tell you since the damn party for Shaun but I - god I'm a coward,"

"You a coward? You're anything but Arthur, besides I was the one running away from you all the time,"

"You were, cutest damn run I've ever seen,"

You let out a hiccupy laugh and smile as you feel his chest rumble with laughter against your back, "You laughing at my well thought out escape plans?"

"Hmmm perhaps, saw how ya were lookin at that window earlier,"

You let a choked grumble as you fidget in his grasp, he laughs a bit louder and hugs you tighter, your hands remove themselves from the door and you grab at his hands that now intersect at your stomach. You stroke at the scar on his knuckle and he sighs softly against the top of your head, you writhe in his grasp as you try and spin yourself around in order to look at his face. He relinquishes his grasp ever so slightly so you can pivot and place your hands on his chest, now you can freely stare at his exposed skin and you almost snort at your small victory to be able to finally look at him like this and not feel like a creep. When you look at him he's staring right back at you with such an adoring expression, your face feels warm as he moves his hands to hold the small of your back, your own hands have moved from his chest to cup at his face. He's let his beard grow out a bit, a bit thicker than his usual stubble but it suits him all the same, your fingers trace his cheeks softly and gently touch at the tufts of hair that have fallen from under his hat, the curls just ended under his ears and you touch one as you breathe him in. The lingering smell of tobacco and sweat clings to his form, when you glance back at him his eyes are closed as he sighs, when he opens them again he smiles when he realises your eyes are on him again.

"What does this mean Arthur?"

He sighs as he spreads his fingers over your back and leans in so he can look you in the eyes, "Guess it means - my tent is gonna be a bit more crowded,"

You shake your head with a smile as you cup his cheeks in your hands, "What if I want to stay in my own tent?"

"Sorry ma'am I can't allow that,"

With a boisterous grin that lit up his face he picks you up which causes you to squeal loudly as he tosses you onto the bed, you bounce several times and you laugh when he fails to dodge the pillow you toss at him. You go for another one but he's on you in seconds, straddling your waist as he holds your wrists in his hands.

"Ma'am I'm gonna have ta ask ya to drop the pillow,"

Pouting you do and he snickers as you flinch when he starts tickling the palms of your hands with his fingers. Then you realise the position you're in with him leaning over you like that, he must realise it too, his grips loosens but he doesn't let go and he doesn't remove himself from your waist. His jaw tenses as he watches you, only one of his hands hold your wrists in place - the other cups your cheek and you can't help but lean into the warmth of it. Your stomach is filled with butterflies and your heart pounds, there's still that small fear of rejection but the feeling of love and want for him is overwhelming in comparison.

"Arthur I - I want-"

"I know,"

With that he grabs his hat and tosses it onto the nearby bed stand, and then he leans down and kisses you softly, his lips press ever so gently and sigh against his mouth as he presses a bit harder. Your hands flex in his grip wanting nothing more than to run your hands through his hair and down his back, he doesn't let go and the hand that once cupped your cheek moves to stroke the column of your neck. He pulls away after a few more quick kisses and looks at you, his hands trace your neck and then linger at your collarbones, his eyes flick from your own to your shirt and you get the message soon enough.

"It's okay,"

Nodding at you several times he releases your grip and leans back so you can sit up, your hands hold the hem of your shirt and you look at Arthur to make sure he's watching you: he is. Slowly you lift the edge of you shirt upwards, revealing the skin of your stomach and the outline of your ribs. You had nothing underneath, as you had plans to be alone the whole day so had no need to wear anything else in the room, Arthur isn't expecting to see you completely bare as his eyes widen comically when your shirt is fully removed and you're front is exposed to him. His eyes take in you all in and you fight the instinct to cover yourself as his eyes go from your stomach to your breasts and then back to your face. He coughs several times as if he is unable to formulate any sort of speech, which causes him to swear under his breath as he darts his eyes from your form to your eyes. With slow movements he shuffles closer onto the bed so he can reach a hand to touch you, he retracts at first as if unsure but when you smile softly at him he continues and cups a breast in his hand, his hand covers the whole of breast in a soft squeeze and you can't stop the small moan that leaves your lips.

"You're beautiful - god - I don't even deserve to be touching you like this. God! even seeing you like this - I don't -"

You move your hands to hold the back of his neck and you thread them together, "You do Arthur," with that you kiss him again.

The kiss is more heated this time around, his lips crash into your own desperately as if he couldn't get enough, one of his hand holds your breast giving the occasional squeeze and pinch, the other hand moves to the small of your back, slowly teasing downwards as if unsure if he can touch you further. You gasp when he pinches at your nipple and uses his fingers to cause them to harden almost painfully, as soon as your mouth parts open the warmth of his tongue invades, he licks at the roof of your mouth then to your own tongue as he kisses you like a dying man. Your hands are in his hair, tugging at the curls to bring him closer to you, he groans at every pull you do and his kisses become more confident. With shaky hands you push gently at his chest, Arthur chases your lips as you pull away, but when you refuse to kiss him again he stops and lets his nose brush against your own as he pants with you.

"This needs to go," your command is shaky as you try and regain your breath, your hands pulls at the blue fabric of his shirt.

"I'm not sure you want to see this sweetheart - I ain't as young as I used to be - not got much to offer,"

"Please,"

He does take it off, slowly and unsure but he does remove it. His chest is as broad and as perfect as you imagined, hair tufts  on his chest and more hair leads downwards to the edge of his trousers. He has some scars on his shoulders and ear his ribs but he is still stunning to you. Your hand traces his ribs and you repeat and up and down stroking motion on his chest, which causes him to sigh heavily. He's not skinny by all means, but he's thick and bulky, with strong arms and a presence of just pure strength.

"Like I said before, you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen,"

You press soft kisses to his chest as you rub the slightly red skin near his collarbones, he groans when your breasts connect with his bare chest and he can feel your nipples harden up against him. He leans in to kiss you again but you stop him with a hand over his mouth.

"If you want to continue you have to say I'm right,"

You almost laugh at the frown that takes over his features as he looks down at you, he's reluctant you can tell but you know he'll say it, whether he likes the idea or not. Pressing his forehead to your own he looks you in the eyes and you remove your hand and wait.

"You're right,"

Smiling brightly at him you loops your hands around his neck and with a laugh drag him back down on top of you, he immediately connects your mouth together in frenzied wet kisses as his hands brace themselves over you so he wouldn't crush you. The hair on his chest tickles you and you laugh in-between kisses, your fingers continue to pull at the strands of his hair as you melt under Arthur's touch. You notice how he keeps moving against you, the hardness of him presses against you, you look at him with heated eyes and he gives you another kiss before moving from your lips to your neck. He presses wet kisses from your throat down to your breast where he kisses at the bud of your nipple, your hands grasp at his hair as he latches him mouth onto it and suckles, breathy moans escape your lips as his other hand cradles your unoccupied one. Fingers tease at your left nipple, whilst his mouth continues to suckle at your right one, you groan when he pulls away and he offers small licks as an apology to the sore bud. His kisses and nips travel downwards, from your stomach to the plush of your thighs and then he stops as he hovered over your clothed sex. With a look at you for permission in which you nod quickly, he delivers a long lick to the cloth of your panties, one of his hands grabs the flesh of your left thigh as he spreads your leg so he can move closer to the silk of your underwear. Eventually he stops his teasing to pull at the clothing and yank it away off you, it lands somewhere on the floor but before you can worry about your lost underwear he is back in-between your thighs as he licks at you again. Your hands grab at the sheets of the mattress as you cry loudly as he drinks you in, his hands soothe at your thighs and keep them open, preventing you from closing them around his head to bring him in closer. His tongue plunges in and out of you and the tickle of his facial hair only stimulate the feeling further as he presses his face so hard into you. Occasionally, he'll pull back and let his tongue trace over the lips of your vagina before sticking it back into your folds causing you to moan out gibberish as you writhe under him. You scream when one of his hands moves from your thigh to play with your clit, he rubs slowly and finally he allows himself to tease a finger into your opening. You sigh in relief when the first finger enters you but before long when he slips in the second you're writhing against his hand trying to push his digits deeper inside you, he sucks hard at your clit and soon enough the heat in your stomach becomes too much, you don't want to finish so soon so you try and move yourself away from his mouth. Arthur only groans and tries to pull you back to him, but you don't relent much to his disappointment as he continues to drag you back to him.

"Arthur! Stop! I - I - just not yet! Please!

With a sigh against your clit which causes you to shiver he moves back, with a slow and steady movement he withdraws his fingers from you. With a few kisses to your thigh he sits up between your legs and looks you in the eyes as he brings one to his mouth and licks. You bring your hands to your face in embarrassment as he does this and all he does is laugh at you, when you peek from behind your fingers you see that his hands are twitching patiently at his sides and you flush brightly at the wet around his mouth and how it shines across his lips. Your eyes drag from his mouth to his crotch which his hands are twitching by, he presses uncomfortably from what you can see judging by the hard outline of himself.

"Off,"

With fumbling hands Arthur removes his trousers, he pauses at his last garment of clothing, he presses hard and thick against the cloth and you sigh in anticipation as he pulls it off himself. He hisses as the fabric brushes against him, but when he's completely free from the confining material he groans softly. When you reach out for him to repay the favour, he waves a hand at you.

"I'm good ta go darlin, just need to know if you are,"

You nod at him and he nods back at you in silent understanding. His hand holds the base of himself as he strokes slowly, he shuffles himself forward in the process so your legs spread wider to accommodate him. He groans as he touches himself as he stares directly at you, with his hand he lines himself up with you, your legs wrap around his waist and he drapes over you so his mouth is a breath away from your own. He twitches against your opening and you moan as you wrap your arms around his neck, his free hand holds himself over you as he stares deep into your eyes.

"Are you sure you really want this darlin?"

Smiling up at him with watery eyes you kiss him quickly, "I do. Have done for a while,"

He kisses you softly as he smiles back at you, "Me too,"

Arthur shifts closer and your arms wrap around his neck hard as he shifts against your entrance, you choke on your breath when he slowly pushes in. He's a lot bigger than you could have imagined, it hurts for a moment but you feel complete when he fully settles inside of you. His hand releases himself after guiding himself inside you and instead grabs at your thigh and brings you in closer so he's connected deeply inside you. Your breath is shaky against his mouth which his parted open in short breaths as he stills for a moment, he waits for you to shift your hips before he starts moving. You drag him back down to your lips as he moves against you, he moves slowly but deeply inside you as he grinds you into the mattress, the kisses are less coordinated but filled with passion as you cling to him hard. His slow motions have resorted to deep thrusts that have you clinging hard onto his back as he moves harder and deeper inside you, with a hard kiss to your mouth he pulls away and presses his face into your neck as he pulls out completely and thrusts himself back into you hard. You scream and dig your nails into his back as he repeats the motions, the speed and strength as his thrusts increases as he moans into your neck and at the drag of your nails against the wet of his back. He mouths breathlessly at your neck and kisses hotly at any bit of skin he can get to, you grip him like a life line as his thrusts become relentless, they shake your body as your breasts press hard against his chest, the drag of his chest against your nipples heightens the feeling in your stomach drastically.

"Arthur - Arthur!"

You cry his name as he pounds into you, he groans your own name into your ear before clamping his teeth into the junction of your neck as he rocked into you, you gasp as the feeling in your stomach returns and your toes curls as you cling to him, Arthur groans as you tighten around him and releases your neck to kiss you again as the hand on your thigh drops to touch your clit. He rubs quick, hard circles as he kisses you hard and you wail loudly as he hits just the right spot.

"It's okay darlin - come on - you can do it,"

He pinches hard at your clit in-between frenzied thrusts, and with a cry of his name you orgasm, shaking hard against him as you tighten your grip around him. Arthur groans loudly into your neck and curses as he shifts so he can angle deeper, his hand leaves your clit to pull your leg over his shoulder as he frantic thrusts push into you, when you moan his name he dives forward crash his lips into your own and groans loudly into your mouth as he releases inside you. You coo at him as he shakes above you, your hands stroke over the muscles of his back and your legs cling to his hips. You kiss him softly as you hold him close, he returns your kisses with the same softness and you almost start crying again as he whispers multiple 'I love yous' against your lips, you just kiss him harder and smile at him whispering the same thing. When he pulls out of you, you both gasp at the feeling causing the hand holding Arthur up to drop , in which he collapses on top of you. Your hands stroke at his hair, which is damp with perspiration, you leave tender kisses to the top of his head as he shuffles downwards to lie against your breasts. 

"You sure this is okay?"

"More than okay sweetheart," Arthur kisses your chest softly as he tiredly raises his eyes to meet yours.

As your hands play with hair you think back to earlier on, "I'm still surprised no-one told you I was here,"

"Oh they did,"

Your hands freeze at your ministrations and Arthur groans at that, "Then why did you lie? Why were you so angry?"

"Karen told me you was with a man,"

Of course, you think, Karen was the one of all people to start trouble.

"You must have been surprised that I wasn't,"

"I was thankful - meant I still had a chance,"

"You always will with me Arthur,"

You both smile at each other, and with an over exaggerated yawn from him he drops his face suddenly back into your chest which causes you to laugh loudly with surprise.

"That means no more runnin away darlin,"

"And that means no more insults about yourself, you're beautiful,"

"Hmmm - you're right. I must be something special to end up with someone like you,"

[mapledyke]

Mommy issues vent

I fucking hate my mother and I hate how nobody understands what the fuck I'm talking about when I explain my situation. I say "she doesnt let me do anything" and I get "why, because she doesnt let you run around and do whatever you want? haha!" No you fucking cunt I mean growing up she barely even let me leave my room. Most of the time I couldn't go outside. Now I have anxiety attacks just trying to cross the street on the rare occasion I actually get to walk anywhere.

I wasn't even supposed to go in the kitchen, and I was never allowed to cook my own food. I wasn't allowed to clean or do my own laundry, but she'd sometimes expect me to of nowhere and gleefuly use it as an opportunity to make me feel useless and stupid. She'd grin and say things like "aw, poor (childhood nickname), she doesn't know how to do anything" and then step in and smugly do it herself. She only started letting me cook and clean two or three years ago, which has been a huge relief but still doesn't make up for the years and years of refusing to even teach me how to make pasta. Through all of high school I wanted to get a job and she wouldn't let me get one, I wanted to learn to drive and she wouldn't let me. I'm 20 now and I still don't have my license and I'm unemployed. My only experience is about a year's worth of work I did for a family member in high school.

I wasn't allowed to be a part of any clubs or try out any sports throughout all of school and I struggled academically because I was being abused by my father, so I don't qualify for any merit based scholarships if I ever want to try and go back to college. I desperately want to move out but I can't afford to because I don't have a job and I don't even know if I could take care of myself because I can't do fucking anything. She never let me develop those skills.

I wasn't allowed to date, I wasn't allowed to go see friends, I wasn't allowed to drive, I wasn't allowed to work, I wasn't allowed to go on walks, I wasn't allowed to do chores, the most basic tasks, and I feel like she's ruined my entire goddamned life because I can't fucking do anything!!!! I can't leave because I have no skills and my symptoms sometimes prevent me from even being able to function, so if things get bad - and I know they will - what am I supposed to do if I suddenly can't work? I'll be homeless.

So it's like I'm fucking stuck with her forever and it's my fault for being pathetic and stupid and undisciplined and bad at everything but it's her fault too for making me this way. I hate her. I can't even stand to hear her breathe. I've fantasized about killing her since I was in kindergarten. I get so angry I can't focus on anything or even sleep and I think about bashing her head in with a baseball bat. I think about ripping her flesh out with my teeth and tearing out her hair and mocking her while she screams. I think about chopping her up with an axe. I have no memory of ever expressing any anger to her directly because I've always been too scared, but sometimes I wonder if it's just made it harder to cope with in the long run.

When I was a little kid I started making plans to run away and live in the mountains. I'd keep track of the prices at the grocery store and hoard food and change and things I thought I could use as weapons because I wanted to be prepared. I considered killing her before I left but I could never decide. I hate her and want her to suffer. But I think I love her too because I feel guilty at the idea she could die unhappy one day after living such a shitty miserable life. I hate her and want her in pain but I also want her to eventually die happy and at peace. I wish there was a way to erase all of her memories of me so it'd be like I never existed.

But I can't talk about how I feel because she's not even abusive, sometimes she's actually fine. If she's in a good mood we can joke around and have a pleasant conversation. She never hit me unless you count spanking. But most of the time growing up she was just angry and high strung and cold and accusing and I was sure she hated me. But when I eventually realized she actually loved me it didn't help, because her love is smothering and scary and horrible. Every time she saw me or even heard me it was like she had some way to guilt trip me or accuse me of lying or hiding something.

My whole life has been nothing but her feelings and her trauma and her problems. I'm not even allowed to have my own trauma because my trauma is somehow still all about her and how it makes her feel. I've always been terrified enraged towards her but also I feel a lot of pity for her.

And people don't fucking get it, they think we need to "talk about it" or I just need to "stand up to her" or something as if my mother has ever been the type of person who can survive the weight of a single ounce of citicism. I get blamed for it because "she was just trying to protect you" "I'm sure she didn't know she was hurting you, no mother would do that on purpose". Everyone assumes I'm just lazy and don't want to learn these basic skills because they don't understand what it's like to have a parent who has never let you grow up.

Honestly even if I could take care of myself I probably couldn't just cut ties because I know she'd lose her fucking mind and I don't think I could stomach it. I don't want anything to do with her, and a huge part of me wants to hurt her but the other part of me doesn't want to make her life even worse than it already has been. A lot of the time I wish she'd just die in her sleep.

It makes me want to just kill myself because I don't have a future but I can't do that either. I don't know what to do, I've gone back to my old childhood fantasies about living in the woods. I know it really wouldn't but sometimes I think it's be easier.

[petite-neko]

Boyhood Blues - 06

Fanfiction: Boyhood Blues Story Summary: Actions, and inactions, have their repercussions. It may not be immediate but somewhere down the line, the effect will be seen. Chapter Characters: Law, Luffy, Ace (Penguin, Shachi, Bepo) Pairing: LawLu Rating: T Warnings: Swearing, Universe Alteration, , angst, A/N: So ...xD Well, you see I had chapters 1 through 7 already written. tldr; I originally intended on starting this story like with Luffy at the beginning of his journey but I really didn’t like that. So the stuff I had intended on having as much later in the story ended up being the beginning. (I wrote it various PoV’s and stuff) Now, when I wrote Law’s portion, I had a section of ‘Insert details here’. But, you see, that was before I decided to start the story at the battle of the great.

So essentially this entire chapter is filler xD. (Not REALLY but) I was going to attempt to end it where I originally intended for chapter 6 to end but a) it’s already six pages as is and the already-written end is 3 pages long, and b) I still have a lot to cover from the end of this chapter to the start of the other end, and c) I need to do more reading of the manga.

OH AND IMPORTANT NOTE: I REALISED I FUCKED UP. Originally I was thinking: what if I just continued with my fuck-up, but then decided I like the appeal of staying with canon with that point so: WHERE LUFFY HAS STATED GARP SCOLDING HIM IN ALABASTA, I FUCKED UP AND I’VE FIXED IT TO WATER 7. (I legit just changed ‘Alabasta’ to ‘Water 7′ in my edits in chapter 1 and chapter 5)

.xxx. > Time/scene skip

.+++. > PoV change

Read on Ao3

Chapter 5 || Chapter 6: Unsociable|| Chapter 7

With Luffy was in his room (with his crew guarding the door so the idiot wouldn’t attempt reopening his wounds yet again) Law had decided to check up on Ace.

Upon opening the door, Law had immediately noticed that the medicinal scent was even more potent in Ace’s room as opposed to Luffy’s. (Not that it had bothered him or anything. In fact, it was something he had just happened to notice every now and then, himself being more or less accustomed to it over his lifetime.) He looked at the man still connected to various machines.

Ace, huh?

His memories of the other were similar. While Ace wasn’t as loud or obnoxious or obvious as Luffy, Law saw similarities between them. Instead of crying and screaming it out, Ace had been the type to hold it in, He brooded on it, and tried to be strong for his little brother – but Law could see those eyes. Eyes that were so very similar to his.

Occasionally, would he see tears slip out – whenever Luffy wasn’t looking or he was asleep from wearing himself out – those moments were moments of silence. When neither of them would acknowledge it. And Law understood that all too well too.

And while Law understood – he never did or said anything about it. He mostly tried to ignore it – ignore them and concentrate on his studies. They both had their own problems anyway…

“You’re always reading books Torao.”

Law glanced up to see wide eyes looking at him from over the book. He sighed, lifting the book up higher to block his view. He never really talked to Garp’s grandkids, so why now?

“Luffy, leave him alone. He obviously doesn’t want to talk.”

“But we’re supposed to play with him Ace! How can we play with him if he has his nose stuffed into a book?”

…Did that brat huff?

Law brought down his book, glowering at the kid in front of him. “I’m studying. I don’t have any time to waste playing with you brats.” He brought the book back up, continuing to glare at the pages. It was true, he didn’t have much time. By now, he had discovered ways to prevent the ailment from overcoming him, but just. (Halt the process, halt the symptoms, turn them back just ever so slightly…) And each time he used his abilities they exhausted him. He couldn’t keep using them every few days. He needed to find a cure. He didn’t want to live like this. (It hurt, oh it still hurt…) Cora-san wouldn’t want him to live like this.

(He recalled hearing Luffy scream something along those lines too...)

(What did he mean by that? By Sabo not wanting them to live like this? Like what? Weren’t they being taken care of by their grandfather? Didn’t they live in some dangerous place? Wasn’t that what Sengoku said? So weren’t they safer here? So why wouldn’t Sabo want them to live safely?)

(Ah, funny, wasn’t it? How all three of them had lost somebody dear to them, and wanted live according to their will…)

…But would Cora-san want him to shut everybody else out?

He looked up to see Luffy whining to Ace, and he sighed again. “Okay, fine. One game. That’s it.” So he stood up, wincing as his leg screamed at him, and put down the book entailing hereditary conditions. One game wouldn’t hurt, and he couldn’t study with that brat pestering him anyway.

“Yay! See Ace! I told you he wants to play!”

Law could only sigh. He’d let Luffy believe whatever he wanted to, as long as it meant that Luffy would leave him alone afterwards.

Law sighed at the memory. That was where he began to see the truer side of Luffy, although did not fully realise it at the time. His gaze went back to Luffy’s room. Yes that was perhaps, really, the only memory he had of that boy smiling and laughing. It couldn’t have just been grief, right?

(He still couldn’t get that line out of his head: What Luffy said in regards to Sabo. Why? Why did he say that?)

Certainly Law knew, very intimately, what grief could do to a person. How it could warp them. How it could take hold of them and essentially rule their life. (Even now. Even now…) And, yes, it was a major factor in Luffy’s overall melancholy moods when they were children…

He shook his head. He shouldn’t be concerning himself with this. It had been ten years – of course any normal human would be able to overcome their grief. Luffy must have gotten over it over time. They did say that time heals all wounds after all…

.xxx.

There was banging at his door. And noise.

Lots of it.

(There was a cacophony of voices outside of his door. Most of which he immediately recognised. Bepo. Shachi. Penguin. And there… the one voice that stood out the loudest It was familiar, but in a more irritating way. And that name. Yes, he knew that too…)

“Torao!”

…Once again, he must say:

Fucking Mugiwara no Luffy.

He groaned and sat up in bed, hand covering his eyes. Why must he harbour such a rambunctious patient?

“Luffy-ya. Don’t make me strap you to your bed to ensure your recovery.”

…The last thing he needed right now was to prepare for another surgery. Especially when he was going to be woken in the middle of his ever-so-precious hours of sleep.

“Torao! You’re up!”

Apparently, Luffy had finally succeeded in opening his door, and he could see his subordinates exhausted states as they failed to prevent this… whatever one could use to describe Luffy at this moment… from barging into his room.

“…No thanks to an annoyingly loud patient of mine.” He glared at Luffy.

And Luffy. Well, he looked bashful. And honest. As if he didn’t realise that it was he who had woken Law up.

“Oh, you were asleep. Sorry!”

“That’s what we were trying to tell you!” His crew chorused from the door loudly.

Law sighed and turned towards the intruder of his room. “Luffy-ya, you need to take it easy.” He said and gestured towards the bandages covering the entirety of Luffy’s body. “You have taken a great deal of damage, and the last thing any us need is for you to reopen your wounds. Or do you want Ace-ya to wake up, only to realise that the idiot he has for a brother died because he disobeyed his doctor’s advice? The brother he almost died to protect?”

The reaction was immediate: Luffy’s face fell.

…Ah fuck. He was probably too harsh there, wasn’t he? He rubbed at the bridge of his nose.

“…Sorry I’m never in the best of moods right when I wake up. Just… be careful, okay? If your wounds re-open there is a high chance that I can’t fix you up again.”

“…It’s okay Torao. No. I understand. Chopper always scolded me after he fixed me up.” Luffy’s voice was quiet and he… sulked out of his room.

…Awkward silence, that’s what this was.

“…Shachi, bring me some coffee. It’s not like I’m going to get back to sleep after that.”

As his crew left and closed his door, Law could only sigh before bringing his hand over his face and through his hair, his head leaning back against the wall.

He was a doctor, not a psychiatrist dammit!

.xxx.

When Law had decided he was alive enough to properly interact with people he had found Luffy sitting quietly on the island.

“I’m sorry for waking you up Torao.”

…Was the idiot still sulking?

“What’s done is done.” Law said before taking a seat near Luffy. Not close enough to really indicate friendship, but also not far enough to state they were strangers either. “I was too harsh this morning as well. I just do not like seeing my efforts go to waste.”

He refrained from adding anything further, this was a sensitive subject after all.

Luffy made a sound of disagreement as he shook his head. “No, it’s alright. I've… we've….” He was quiet for a few moments. “I've been thinking about what Jinbei said… and he's right. The way we are now… we're not strong enough for the New World…”

...Ah, was that the reason for yesterday’s outbreak?

“I failed. I failed to protect my friends… failed to protect Ace when he needed it most… I'm not strong enough Torao.”

Law sighed again. Why was Luffy telling him this?

“Then get stronger. That's all that you can do. You're enemies aren't going to be getting any weaker.”

He wasn't this kid’s friend so why?

“Yeah. That's what I plan to do. And what you said today reminded me of that. I can't get stronger if I'm always fooling around.” And, now, that sullen expression faded, only to be replaced with a smiling, laughing face. “Thank you Torao.”

...He was never going to understand this idiot, was he?

“Whatever. If you want to take my half asleep, grumpy ramblings as advice, so be it. It's your life. The only thing I'm against if is you throw it away while you're still under my care.”

“Shishishi I knew you cared Torao!”

...Was Luffy stretching towards him?

“No I don't – and don't stretch you idiot! That's how you fucking re-open your wounds! I just… like I said I don't like wasting my energy and if you die because of your refusal to obey doctor’s, I'll do whatever I can to stop you from dying if only to kill you myself.”

That only made Luffy laugh more.

Law just groaned.

“So, you got tattoos on your chest too Torao? I noticed them this morning but I didn't get to ask…”

Law looked up at Luffy who had this fascinated look on his face.

“...It's just ink.” He said with a shrug. What was it with Luffy and his tattoos?

“But they look so cool! Your one hand is missing a few letters though, and your chest kinda looks weird. Like not finished maybe?”

Thankfully Luffy hadn't proceeded to get close to him again or grab his hands… yet anyway.

“Yeah. I'm still debating on the final designs for my chest and back. And my hands are a work in process. I need my hands for surgery, so, I can only do so much at one time.”

Why was he even telling him any of this?

“So you just started then? Or are some tattoos older?”

Law sighed. Seriously he definitely did not understand Luffy’s fascination, but he supposed indulging Luffy’s whims were the only way to shut him up if that memory was any proof.

“The ones on my forearms were the first ones.” He explained, pulling up his sleeves to show Luffy. “I got them when I was seventeen or so. The one on my chest I had gotten not long after I formed my pirate crew officially a few years later. I've been working on designs since. My hands however are the most recent addition. They are almost complete.”

Luffy looked so enthralled right now that it was kind of creepy.

“And, what about those other marks?”

“Enough about me, you wanted to talk about after Loguetown, right?”

(It was far more easy on his mental state to listen to Luffy blab on about his past than to inquire about his own. That was another reason why he blocked out most of his memories with the Marines after all… It was a living hell.)