#This is 4.5 because it was originally all supposed to be part of the same comic

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 4.5: Morning Period.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4)

[fortunatetragedy]

look out it's a plot summary

the thought occurred to me that i'm over here rambling about a 600-page novel no one has read and it's the first book in a trilogy so if i'm going to be over here rambling about the second novel it might be nice to have a document i can reference during this shit storm. really ramble if i'm going to ramble.

only it started getting long so it's just going to have to be an ongoing project. it'll be like you guys are reading the book, but you're listening to the director's commentary instead.

warning(s): this is an adult series. there is a time loop and a fixed point. main characters die several times. i follow two timelines, one of which is directly affected by said time loop: the 1872-1873 timeline, when sullivan met royston, resets in february 1873 and has "background" reset action happening that is affecting the characters' behavior; the june 1874 timeline is a Bad Ending that takes place when sullivan has about 24 hours left to live. because of all the dying and time looping, none of the three main characters remember the same event the same way ever.

i have had a headache since september 2023. come enjoy a headache with me.

we're going back to september 1872 for this headache.

september 1872

sidenote: the novel starts in june 1874, because i'm a hack who wrote a first draft with one flashback and no recognition of the existence of a time loop. i'm starting the summary when royston met sullivan so i can thoroughly bore you with the intricacies of the looping.

so 1872. september. 38-year-old first sergeant cole sullivan & 39-year-old surgeon-major erik hofer are stationed with the rest of their regiment at fort sarras*, kansas. they are in the u.s. army 10th cavalry, which is historically a pretty cool regiment.

a leavenworth analogue; we are in an alternate-history au where the u.s. has a military presence and settlers west of the mississippi river, but it's been with france's blessing the last few decades [no louisiana purchase] and with a leadership change france no longer wants america in their territory.

i thought it would be fun to base the alt-history setting on a cursed crusader kings 2 game where we lost an entire country and then saw western civilization both barely and completely changing at the same time. it's really lazy world-building and it was initially meant to support a much darker ending, so idk if it's really necessary anymore and it's something i go back and forth on on the regular.

anyway hofer is there with his family--wife clara, an obstetrician-midwife, and their 4.5 children. remember her for later. this novel was originally 200-smth pages, did not exist as part of a trilogy, and hofer didn't exist, i didn't mean for her to have such a small role in book 1 i love her.

sullivan begins the timeline with a mystery on his hands: someone derailed an army train carrying 50 head of horses and stolen eight of said horses. no personnel aboard were injured, and sullivan had orders in his pocket not to pursue the outlaws--this ends up killing him, in a sense, as he would have needed to have immediately gone after the horse thieves to have prevented anything that happened next.

i've run that scene (which isn't in any finished drafts btw i wrote the prelude for my own information NOT EVERYTHING YOU WRITE NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN FOR OTHER PEOPLE) several different ways and even in a world where sullivan would disobey a direct order and either send himself or a scout, the only person who doesn't get sensed and shot in the head at 100 yards by the horse thieves is sullivan. but then he gets in trouble for abandoning his post, since he's supposed to be at the train derailment site, not gallivanting through the prairie.

in town, he finds no one is willing to discuss what happened or who they think might have done it. he ends up in local shithole saloon, the pig & whistle, on the afternoon of thursday, september 5th, and begins talking to buchanan "buck" yeats, a 69-year-old former miner and current gossiphound who knows everything about everyone.

sullivan still wears spurs in this timeline. if you're reading this you probably know more about horses and cavalry history and the entire western genre than i do. if you're on my level and don't know shit about horses, you can learn why this is such a big deal in chapter 1.

then he meets 44-year-old arthur royston, who is not aware of why he does what he does next. we see royston go from chilling with the gamblers in the smoky back corner of the saloon to beelining across the bar to introduce himself to sullivan*.

*this behavior confused the shit out of me for 2.5 drafts. i'm about to reveal how little actual skill i have as a writer. i'm just a monkey banging on a keyboard. royston was intercepting sullivan when i wrote this the first time and it felt purposeful. being as royston was not working with the horse thieves in this version of the story, i did not know why.

well now i know it's bc he and sullivan are seeing each other again after going through a whole other novel. in this particular scene, if my argument is that i'm showing you the route that they're locked into going into book 2, they had to return to this moment bc it was the furthest back they could get thrown and have it matter w/r/t stopping emil powell, who we don't meet until 1874.

whole other novel. they started going together in october 1872, so they were together for eight months when royston pushed him off the train the first time. then they were separated for a year bc of army red tape and royston not knowing how to write, back together for less than 24 hours, half of which sullivan was rightfully pissed off at him. like... royston came to find sullivan, and it may have been for creepy evil obsessive reasons the first time. then he became possessed by a spirit that causes men to pursue the thing they want most in the world and the thing that royston wanted most in the world was sullivan. so everything in draft 1 worked out happy accident style whether or not royston was there out of love or bc he was solely after sullivan in an objectification way.

but it meant something to sullivan that royston made the effort to find him. and then they died LOL.

and that is what is going on with The Vibe at the beginning of the first flashback chapter.

are you still reading? if you're still reading i'm still going.

anyway buck tells sullivan (and by extension royston, who has bought sullivan a drink to force the hand of whoever is planning to attack sullivan and accidentally imbibed the poison himself*) about the huston brothers, led by notorious confederate army officer calvin huston. we learn calvin is rumored to have died during the War, and his bereft widow, delilah, pleaded to whatever god would listen to bring him back to her.

*re: memory retention between loops

according to the post it note map on the back of my door, the first run through the loop resulted in a TPK. nobody remembers doing this the first time, but bc i'm an asshole, physical proximity to sullivan, who is a fixed point, allows anyone who was on the path with him before to recall information with prompting.

royston does not remember that someone poisoned sullivan the first time, but he does know sullivan is important and someone is going to try to hurt him, so he runs over to try and intercept sullivan from buck, who we learn much much later was responsible for sullivan's being poisoned the first time, whether or not buck was complicit.

when they had to do the loop again, they reset in october. so they only did september twice. which is sad for them bc september looked like fun.

according to buck, whatever del did worked, and now she's got a contract out with a spirit--to keep cal alive as a revenant, del has to clothe him in the skins of former northern soldiers.

"Ah, yeah, I always forget that part." Buck took a thoughtful sip of his beer. "Anyway!" -- September 1872

we also learn from buck that cal's middle brother, lon, has a vendetta against royston. back in charleston in 1868, lon purports royston cheated at a game of cards. when royston refuted the allegation, lon insulted him, flipped over a table, and hit himself in the face with a lit oil lamp. he no longer enjoys the use of his right eye.

i cannot tell you how happy it makes royston when sullivan calls him a "scoundrel" and would prob get banned if i attempted to

as if summoned by the sound of his own name, lon arrives with his older brother frank and his 18-year-old baby brother nate. they antagonize royston, who is succumbing to hemlock poisoning, and sullivan won't stand for it. they trade shots, and royston uses a throwing knife to kill the bartender, who was approaching sullivan with a shotgun. sullivan has to carry royston out of the saloon after shooting lon in the shin.

"You saved me," Royston through chattering teeth. Fading, and still running his damned mouth. The man was a wonder. "I didn't do much more than stand with my thumb up my ass and watch you hit Nate Huston in the head with a beer bottle."

i actually can't stand them.

next time i'll be rambling about a chapter one other person on the planet has read, and that's the one i jokingly refer to as "the aftercare scene."

[findingmypeace]

I realized I hadn’t wrote about these things yet.

A) I’ve decided not to pursue my complaint with the state medical board against the first pcp and nurse practitioner who gave me the wegovy. However, when I submitted the complaint to the medical board I also submitted the same complaint to my insurance company.

B) Last week I got a letter in the mail about my complaint. Apparently there was an investigation, they discussed things with her, and now she has to attend a ‘peer review board’. Wow! It’s not like her license was taken away, but I don’t think that’s what I wanted. I just wanted some kind of acknowledgment that what I felt was legitimate and that another medical professional, in a position of doing something about it could “help” her get her head out of her ass. It would just be nice for her to receive education on appropriate treatments for eating disorders so this doesn’t happen again. And it’s also very satisfying to know that she’s been investigated and in some manner she’s ‘in trouble’.

C) Unfortunately, hopefully only for the moment, this does not have a happy ending. (This is still the same doctor who gave me the wegovy.)

So the place I get all my lab tests done has a patient portal where you can see all the results for any lab test you’ve ever done with them. After thinking about it for a little while I decided I would take a closer look at ALL of my TSH levels in the patient portal. The only caveat is that lab tests done outside of their system do not get reported in the patient portal. So I don’t have TSH levels from the ER, urgent care, etc.

However, I noticed two things. This doctor was only testing my TSH levels every 1-2 YEARS. It’s supposed to be tested every 3-4 months.

Even more shocking: She had my TSH level tested the very same day (March 7th) she wanted to give me the wegovy. AND on that day my TSH level was 0.116. Normal range for TSH is 0.45-4.5. My TSH level on March 7th was 2/3rds less than what it should have been. So, let’s fast forward 4 months. My TSH levels are tested again. This time (on June 25th) the result is 0.031. Obviously I never knew that was one of the things she tested and I was NEVER told about this. I have two guesses as to why I was never informed. First, she never bothered to look at the results. Meaning she never looked at the results of a lab test she ordered. Or, on the other hand, she did see the results and she never said anything to me about it. Either way the result is that for FOUR months I felt completely awful and no one was believing me. It was all just anxiety and yet, there was at least part of a reason (the other part being the eating disorder) that I felt so awful and she could have prevented it!

So I have decided to add this to my complaint about her with my insurance. This pretty much amounts to medical neglect. I have already emailed my insurance about adding this to my complaint and I will be calling in the morning. I want to make sure this gets attached to my original complaint because now it’s not just the treatment for my eating disorder it’s also the treatment of my hypothyroidism and it all amounts to medical neglect.

Fuck my old pcp. At this point she’s a very dangerous doctor and now I actually hope there are bigger consequences!

[thomine]

AUTHOR'S COMMENTARY; reaching out

Index

fic basic stats

overall notes

⠀

Basic Stats

pairing: tighnari x reader

time: a month?

drafts: 2??

total word count: around 4k

deviation: 4.5/5

*deviation from original is on a scale of 1-5, 1 being there was no change and 5 being it was completely changed.

⠀

Overall

it’s hard to define where this fic came from. i tore the fic’s format from a wip, grafting it to the roots of this fic.

the format came from an abandoned social media au (smau). i wasn’t sure of the pairing and even more uncertain about the central message, so i chucked my progress aside (consisting of 6 chapters, 2 written parts).

one of the written parts was tighnari and reader calling each other at night. i quite like the vibe it gave. tighnari was grumpy from a rough day at work but calls anyways because reader frantically messaged him in the afternoon after an Event.

it was sweet, sentimental, and what made me think maybe tighnari should be the main lead instead whatever pair i had in mind, which caused me to abandoned it (lol). it was tough letting this written part go.

fast forward, i came home late from a farewell party. i had this all-consuming melancholy knowing that my friends were going to be different the next time i see them. they're going to meet with new people, have new experiences, and so will i. it's all exciting but it's separate.

instead of sleeping, i did what any normal person would do. i let my thoughts wander, then challenged it by thinking of a different perspective.

this conversation with myself inspired me to capture the same sentiments in a story. reader who held my perspective talking to someone who held the other. tighnari was the best fit for the story.

picking tighnari reminded me of my abandoned wip, and merging its format with the idea resulted in REACHING OUT.

because of this (which isn’t strange in my process of writing as i love to mix-and-march), it’s quite hard to quantify the statistics. where is the original? was it the night i came home from the party, or was it the abandoned wip? it wasn’t just the format that the new fic inherited: it also inherited the flow. from where can we separate the two? perhaps, like the process of grafting, it isn’t supposed to be separated.

so i’ll be seeing it as one wip instead of a merger of 2.

if that’s the case, then even though i wrote the fic overnight, the fic was technically a month-long work.

i wasn’t keeping track for drafts, but i only restarted the opening twice. the rest were paragraphs separated while writing, which i don’t quite consider a draft (more like killed darlings).

if i were to compare the final with the draft i had the night after the party, the deviation would probably be a 2. i tweaked tighnari’s argument the next morning since it didn’t reach a depth i wanted, and i added tantalus’s tale to further emphasis his point on looking at the future even though the suffering you’re going through is horrible.

if i were to compare it with the written part of the smau, its deviation would be a 4. although the format and flow is the same, many things are different.

first, tighnari was meant to be a prompter for reader to think about the past. in REACHING OUT, tighnari is meant to prompt reader about their relationship. although reader sought tighnari's advice for both versions, reader's intentions are different. in the older version, reader excludes tighnari from the situation, seeing his advice as a third party and neutral comment. in REACHING OUT, reader is reaching out (pun intended) to tighnari to know his honest thoughts.

overall, i like this story! i hope you enjoyed it too. i'm not too sure how i'd talk about the specifics (like, do i show the google doc and give in-line commentary? but my process is messy so i would need to create a whole new doc which is troublesome...) but i was thinking perhaps it is best to leave the fic as it is so that readers can take away things without my commentary on each line affecting how they view the fic, hehe.

thank you for reading!

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Bound Blood (Cassandra Dimitrescu/Reader, Soulmate AU) Pt. 4

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T+ for language, nudity (but, like, for art), and violence Warnings: Unhealthy dynamics, including violence between the shipped pair, leaning heavily into the "enemies" part of "enemies to friends to lovers" Summary: Local vampire discusses art, depictions of certain anatomy, and enjoys the company of her feral soulmate for 4.5 minutes. Then it goes to shit (as things tend to do). 0-60 Real goddamn quick. Previous Chapters: 1: Sharing Is (Not) Caring; 2: Bloodbath, Baby!, 3: Haunt Me Dearly

4: Portraits For Ghosts

“Am I really supposed to just… stay here? Did she honestly think that I, of all people, would behave? The universe gave me two good hands, and by God, I intend to make that someone else’s problem,” you mutter to yourself as you get dressed. It’s not that you necessarily had anything in mind, rather that you hated the idea of waiting around for who knows how long for Cassandra to return. Especially considering what she had done prior to leaving. Sure, you had laughed, but that hadn’t meant much in the end. At this point, you hadn’t even been out of the dungeon for a full day yet, and the memories of what happened there were fresh in your mind. Nightmares, too, even if you had pushed them aside to deal with Cassandra’s. Why did I bother? You wonder, frowning. There was hardly any point to comforting a monster, no matter the way they trembled.

Or at least that’s the lie you sold yourself.

Soon enough, a knock at the door brings you out of your head. Daphne, maybe, you think, remembering the maiden from yesterday. When you open the door, however, you’re met with an unfamiliar woman. She’s a few years your senior, at the very least, and appears surprised to see you. In her hands is a very enticing tray of food.

“Lady Cassandra wanted me to bring this to you. I am… I am glad to see you are feeling better already,” she says, voice shaking. What was with these maidens and assuming you were anything like your soulmate? Though that last part did catch your interest. Something told you that she wasn’t at all referring to your time in the dungeon. If you had learned anything from Daphne, it was that the best way to get information was to be indirect. So you graciously accepted the food, before speaking, dodging your way around your ignorance.

“Yes, it’s amazing what a bit of meditating can do for the soul- and body, that is,” you start, watching closely for any veiled reactions. Even within the first few words you can tell that this stranger wasn’t expecting you to be pleasant. “Out of curiosity, what did my Lady say about my condition? There are, uh, a few details that I hope she did not share. I’m sure you understand.” As soon as the words leave your mouth, the maiden is nodding, appearing eager to satisfy you. Maybe a hint of fear can be useful, after all.

“No worries, Lady Cassandra did well to respect your privacy, and we would not dare question her further. She simply explained, to her family, that you were dealing with a migraine. I only heard this because I was helping serve breakfast,” she explained, smiling softly. You’re quick to nod, mimicking her expression for maximum empathy. “Do you require anything else? I am here to serve, you must only ask.” Ah, perfect. Would she have offered this even if you hadn’t attempted to be charming? Probably, but your politeness certainly didn't hurt.

“Well, there is one thing… as long as it’s no trouble.”

---------------------------

It had been a risk, asking the servant to take you to a room you weren’t sure existed, but one that had paid off brilliantly. Even if said room was nothing like you had anticipated. Who would have thought that Cassandra, you think, would be an artist? What’s far less surprising is the fact that the studio (or ‘study’, as you had called it) is a disorganized disaster. Discarded papers lie scattered around an overflowing trash can, a cabinet with an attached tool rack is missing pieces, and in one corner there are literally random shards of broken glass lying about. What is this, performance art? Part of you feels tempted to clean up the mess, if only to occupy your time. Instead, you decide to examine some of the pieces within the room. Maybe somehow they’d tell you something noteworthy about your soulmate.

First, you move to your left, where a workbench houses strange sculptures. For the most part they’re abstract, jagged edges contrasting with gentle curves, but there is one you think you understand. It’s very clearly a bust… of someone’s ‘bust’. Guess that solves the age old question of ‘boobs or ass’, you think, stifling a giggle. Moving on, you shift your attention to the exposed section of the cabinet. One row is dedicated to small vials, each labeled with a concerning ‘blood’, despite the fact that it’s clearly not refrigerated. Still, you have heard of artists painting with blood before, but you seem to recall them mixing it with something else. Perhaps Cassandra had done the same? Though you did wonder if she had any difficulty resisting the urge to drink the blood, at least prior to mixing it.

Shrugging, you continue to the other side of the studio, squatting to get a closer look at the broken glass. As expected, there’s no discernable pattern or purpose. Huh, you think, wonder why she doesn’t clean up. Maybe she’s waiting for a servant to do it? Guessing her reasoning was rather difficult, especially considering your lack of context, such as how long the mess had been here. Deciding that this was a pointless distraction, you move on to the only other thing of note in the room: An easel, in the center, with a canvas nearly as tall as yourself. So far, there’s little on it other than pencil lines, a sketch marking where to paint certain details. Only the (start of) the background has been colored. Understandably, it’s hard to make out what exactly the finished project would end up representing. Based on what you know of Cassandra and her family, however, you infer that this- with four figures, one larger than the others, protective- is a painting of the castle residents.

“Family means something to you, hmm?... I hope that mine does not miss me much, for I will never see them again,” you say to yourself, instinctively reaching out towards the art. Before you can touch it, or think better of it, the door to the studio is flying open. In storms Cassandra, fists clenched at her sides. As soon as she sees you, she’s rushing forward, pulling you away from the easel. “Hello, darling. Glad to see me feeling better, yes?” You teased, smiling wide at her. Feeling a bit emboldened by your earlier success, you go a step further, leaning in to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I swear to fuck, if you touched any of my stuff-” Cassandra starts to say, intentionally ignoring the kiss, even though her cheeks get flush at the contact.

“Nope, not a single thing. Not even the broken glass. Nice touch, by the way, makes the whole space feel a helluva lot cozier,” you interject. For a few moments she holds you by your shirt collar, staring you in the eyes as if determining whether or not to believe you. Somehow, some way, she declares you innocent, releasing you with an irritated sigh. After pretending to dust yourself off, you return your attention to the central canvas. “Do you do a lot of art of your family? I passed by several pieces on my way here, though they were certainly in a different style.” Another pause, with Cassandra waiting for you to spring a verbal trap.

“Some of those are mother’s work,” she answers, tentatively, eying you closely. When you merely nod in reply, expecting her to elaborate, she starts to relax, little by little. “I doubt you passed any of mine. Mother tends to keep those closer to her quarters, or near the main entrance.” Interesting, you think, why hasn’t she addressed my original question?

“It sounds like she’s very proud of you,” you muse, still facing away from your soulmate. There’s a slight shakiness to your voice, as your mind starts to dwell on memories of your own family. Perhaps noticing this, Cassandra takes a few steps closer, one hand hovering over your shoulder, not quite sure if you needed (or perhaps deserved) any comfort. In this moment, you feel far more vulnerable than you had the day before. Taking a deep breath, you try to center yourself, before perfectly ruining whatever trust you had just established with Cassandra. “Something tells me she doesn’t know about the titty sculpture though, right? Can’t quite imagine that one being displayed where everyone can see it.”

To your immense surprise, Cassandra gives you a blank stare.

“You… you really don’t know anything about my mother, do you?” She says, after several awkward seconds. It feels strange to think that she had been furious, merely a handful of minutes ago. “If you actually behave for a while, I can show you some of her favorite pieces around the castle. Then maybe you’ll understand.” Intrigued, you debate how exactly to respond. On one hand, you did want to see the art, but on the other hand… misbehaving was your goal of the day.

“Sounds like a nice date to me. Why not start the tour right now?” You suggest, hoping to meet your ‘politeness quota’ earlier rather than later. Still, it is in your very nature to be chaotic, and you find yourself giving Cassandra an affectionate shoulder touch. It’s not at all genuine, but the two of you blush nonetheless. How could you not, when your blood was bound together, hearts made to race in sync?

“Don’t get friendly with me,” Cassandra stammers, unadjusted to the way her pulse pounded. “This isn’t a date. We’re just- it doesn’t matter, actually. As long as it means getting you out of my studio, I don’t care.” With that said, she takes your hand in her own, pulling you towards the exit. If she has any feelings about the soft touch, she hides them well… unlike yourself. Cheeks flushed, you’re half tempted to yank yourself out of her grip, hating the way your heart skips a few beats. Would I still feel this way if I didn’t know we were soulmates? You wonder, biting your lower lip to prevent any unwanted comments from slipping out. Soon enough you’d have art aplenty to distract yourself with. Hopefully.

---------------------------

“My God, you were not kidding. I don’t- I can’t even think of anything clever to say,” you chime, staring dumbfounded at the several statuettes of naked women. They seemed to fulfill some other purpose, one you couldn’t parse at the moment, but you could hardly think about the details right now. “I mean, good for your mother, for sticking to a theme, I suppose,” you continue, tripping over your own tongue, uncharacteristically quiet. Clearly amused by your flustered display, Cassandra lets out a hearty laugh.

“Good to know some things can shut you up. I’ll have to keep this in mind for next time you bother me,” she teases, light-heartedly. Her words only fluster you more, though they quickly give you room to counter, much to your joy.

“Is that so? Planning on carrying around a busty bust for the rest of your life, or thinking of going the more au naturel route?” You asked, briefly sticking your tongue out at Cassandra. It takes her a moment to understand what you’re getting at, but as soon as she does she’s smacking your arm with an offended huff. Despite her irritation, the blow is relatively soft, and you swear you can see her fighting to hide a smile. “Starting to go soft on me, are you? I hardly even felt that one.”

“So you’d prefer I hit you harder? And to think you called me kinky,” Cassandra fires back, without a hint of hesitation. Now both of you are laughing, softly, like old friends sharing fond memories. It’s… weirdly nice. A warmth fills your chest, even as you try to remind yourself that you shouldn’t be happy right now. Damn it, you think, suddenly frowning, hands clenching. We shouldn’t be having fun banter, back and forth like a real couple. Not when I’ve still got wounds from her hands on my skin. Instinctively you reach up to your face, thumb running over the marks Cassandra’s nails had left behind. The touch stings, bad, no matter how gentle you try to be. Noticing your shift in expression, your soulmate inches closer. “If your wounds are bothering you, I can have one of the servants get more ointment or whatever it is we have around. I don’t want you to-... There’s no reason for you to suffer more than you need to, besides, I don’t want you complaining all day.” Of course she couldn’t bring herself to imply that she cared. Of course. It wasn’t like the two of you were actually capable of being soft for each other, obviously. All of your confusion melts down, boiled by the warmth in your chest, turning to a familiar, albeit painful, rage.

“Right, right! Because you care so fucking much, yeah? What the fuck am I doing? Why am I-” you jab a finger towards her chest, accusatory- “talking to you? Why am I pretending you're not the one who did this to me? You’re the fucking reason my face hurts, my shoulder hurts, my brain-... I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened down there. I can’t get those goddamn images out of my head, every time I close my eyes, every time I look at you. I…” You trail off, chest heaving a little, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Cassandra’s standing tall, unflinching, but there’s a noticeable regret in her expression.

“What. Are. You… going to do about it?” She asks, through clenched teeth, fighting back the full force of her emotions. You can’t tell what exactly she’s feeling, but you know that you want her to show you. Every part of you is itching for a fist fight, regardless of how stupid you know the idea is.

“Depends, dickwad, on whether or not these statuettes are properly secured,” you snap, already moving, fully abandoning all impulse control. By the time your hand grips the first sculpture, Cassandra has put you in a headlock, forcefully tugging you backwards. Panic sets in, making you try to jam your elbows into her stomach. Before long both of you are tumbling to the floor, bodies already aching, limbs flailing wildly in an attempt to hit a target, any target. In the end the air is knocked from your lungs as your head smacks against the ground. “Shit, shit, shit,” you grumble, coughing, finally processing just how much of a dumbass you were. It’s clear that at least one of the previous day’s wounds has reopened, and you feel something wet and sticky on your shirt.

“Finished, asshole?” Cassandra wheezes, sounding dazed, roughly pulling you up by your shirt collar. You nod, refusing to meet her gaze. Then she’s sighing in relief, letting you lean on her for support, holding you surprisingly close, considering the circumstances. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Again…”

[sternbilder]

User Concert Q&A Excerpts, Part 1

(Part 2 here)

Not sure if folks out there are aware, but there was a "User Concert" last September where the director and cast of Buried Stars answered various questions about the development of the game, characters, etc.

There was originally supposed to be a live Q&A section at the end, but they ended up canceling it due to the pandemic and asked fans to submit their questions online instead. The ones that they answered are all compiled here.

I haven't seen an English translation out there so I thought I'd take a crack at it myself! I only picked out questions that I personally thought were interesting (because the whole thing is like 37 pages long and there maybe 4.5 of you out there who are going to see this anyway L O L) but if anyone has any questions/requests (like if there are any mentions about X or Y) I'd be happy to answer them!

This got long as hell, so I'm splitting this into 2 parts and putting it under a cut, but here's part 1, which are questions related to the main game as well as any post-game speculations.

Obviously, #spoiler warning for Buried Stars below.

Q. 무대 붕괴 사건을 겪지 않았다면, 진범은 살인자가 되지 않았을 거라고 생각하시나요?

If the stage collapse incident had never happened, do you think the true culprit would have still committed murder?

A. 아니었겠지만, 어쩌면 살인자가 되는 경우도 있었겠습니다. 대상은 자신이겠지만… Probably not, but it's possible that they could still have become a murderer. Though I suppose the victim would be themself…

Q. 신승연 PD가 이규혁에게 "그 제안"을 한 이유는 무엇일까요?

Why did PD Shin Seungyeon make “that proposition” to Gyu-hyuk?

A. 이규혁이 진상을 알고 있는지 떠봄과 동시에 자신이 통제하려는 시도였을 것입니다. 이규혁의 거절 이후 신승연의 마음에는 의심이 자라나기 시작했습니다. 협박장 역시 이규혁의 짓으로 생각 했고, 끝내 사고 현장의 그 발언이 나오게 되었습니다. She was trying to feel out whether Gyu-hyuk knew the truth, and at the same time, attempt to control him. After Gyu-hyuk’s refusal, doubt began to grow in Seungyeon’s heart. She mistook the blackmail letter as Gyu-hyuk’s doing, and in the end she ended up saying what she did at the accident site.

Q. 베리드 스타즈를 플레이하며 스토리에 인간의 선과 악, 이면 등의 철학적인 고찰을 담았다고 느꼈습니다. 이에 디렉터님이 생각하시는 "인간"은 어떤 존재인지 궁금합니다.

While playing Buried Stars, I felt that the story contained reflections on things like the virtues and evils of humanity, duality, and other philosophical topics. I'm curious as to the director's thoughts on what the nature of "humanity" is.

A. 베리드 스타즈의 등장인물들을 빌드하며 한 생각으로 국한한다면, "가면을 쓰고 자신을 감추지 만 동시에 가면 아래를 내보이길 바라는 존재"인 것 같습니다. If I had to limit it to what I had in mind when creating the characters of Buried Stars, I think that a human being is "something that wears a mask in order to hide itself, yet at the same time wishes to reveal what's underneath."

Q. C 루트에서 "그것"은 이규혁의 모습으로 현신했습니다. 한도윤이 바라던 것이었다는 이유였지 요. 그렇다면 민주영, 이규혁, 오인하, 장세일, 서혜성, 신승연의 경우 "그것"은 무엇으로 나타났을 까요?

In the C route, "That" appeared in the form of Gyu-hyuk. The reason being that that was what Do-yoon wished for. If that's the case, what form would "That" have taken in the case of Juyoung, Gyu-hyuk, Inha, Seil, and Hyesung?

A. 한도윤이 이규혁을 본 것은 "자신이 배신자가 아님을 증명해줄 사람"을 간절히 바랐기 때문입 니다. 잔해에 파묻혔을 때 생각했던 것처럼요. 그 외에 TOP 5 이규혁에게는 한도윤이, 오인하에게 는 민주영이, 민주영에게는 비러브드 멤버들이, 서혜성에게는 어머니가, 장세일에게는 신승연이, 신승연에게는 자기 자신이 보였을 것입니다. The reason that Do-yoon saw Gyu-hyuk was that he desperately longed for "a person who is proof that he is not a traitor," just as he was thinking when he was buried under the rubble. Gyu-hyuk would have seen Do-yoon, Inha would have seen Juyoung, Juyoung would have seen the BELOVED members, Hyesung would have seen his mother, Seil would have seen Seungyeon, and Seungyeon would have seen herself.

Q. C 루트가 이규혁 시점이었다면 한도윤의 전화 내용은 어떤 것이었을까요?

If C route had been from Gyu-hyuk's POV, what would a phone call with Do-yoon have been about?

A. 한도윤 자신을 “절대 믿지 말았어야 했다”고 했을 것입니다. 동시에 "믿지 말아야 했다고 이야 기하는 자신"을 끝까지 믿어달라고 빌기도 했을 것 같네요. Do-yoon would have said, "you never should have trusted me." But at the same time, I think he would have also begged him to please "trust in him until the end, even though he himself told him he shouldn't have."

Q. 서혜성과 이규혁이 둘 다 살아남는 엔딩이 없는데 혹시 계획했다가 빠진 거라면 이유를 알고 싶습니다.

There's no ending where Hyesung and Gyu-hyuk both live, but if there was one planned and it was cut, I'm curious as to why.

A. 이규혁과 서혜성이 둘 다 생존하는 엔딩은 최초부터 계획에 없었습니다. 둘은 서로 양립할 수 없는 존재이며, 이규혁이 본격적으로 탈피하는 계기가 서혜성이기 때문입니다. 다만… 그게 아냐 에서는 모두 생존합니다. 죄송합니다… …. From the start, we hadn't planned on any endings where Gyu-hyuk and Hyesung both survive. This is because the two cannot coexist; Hyesung is a catalyst for Gyu-hyuk to truly shed his skin, so to speak. If only that weren't the case, then everyone would have survived. I apologize…

Q. 모 인터뷰에서 한도윤에게는 "커뮤니케이션"과 "햄릿"이라는 키워드가 있다고 본 기억이 있는 데, 혹시 다른 인물들에게도 그런 키워드가 있는지 알고 싶습니다.

In a certain interview, I recall seeing that "communication" and "Hamlet" being listed as keywords for Do-yoon, and I'm wondering if the other characters have similar keywords as well.

A. 계열은 다르지만 레귤러 조연은 진상에 맞추어 내면을 대변하는 정서가 하나씩 설정되어 있었 습니다. 이규혁은 "자기혐오", 민주영은 "분노", 오인하는 "공포", 서혜성은 "수치심", 장세일은 "열등감"입니다. Each of the supporting cast has a specific emotion that represents their inner selves according to their own realities. Gyu-hyuk's is "self-hatred," Juyoung's is "wrath," Inha's is "fear," Hyesung's is "shame," and Seil's is "inferiority complex."

Q. 오인하는 민주영을 "빛이 나는 사람"이라고 생각하는데, 그렇게 생각한 첫 순간이나 이유는 무엇이었을까요?

Inha called Juyoung “someone who shines brightly”; what was the moment or reason that made her think this?

A. 먼저, 오인하는 옛 비러브드 팬-그중에서도 민주영의 팬-이었을 것입니다. 키워드 대화에서 민 주영을 오래전부터 알았던 티가 나지요. 오디션에서 만나 대놓고 티를 내진 않았겠지만, 항상 주 목했을 것입니다. 또한 "변화"를 위해 쇼의 지시에 복종했던 오인하와 달리, 민주영은 아니라고 생각한 일에 반대를 표명하며 대립했을 것입니다. 이런 점들이 오인하에게 더 깊은 인상을 남기 지 않았을까요? First, Inha was a former fan of BELOVED—and of Juyoung especially. In the keyword discussions, there are some hints that she’s known about Juyoung for a long time. When they met during the audition, she didn’t show it, but she always paid special attention to Juyoung. In addition, unlike Inha who always obeyed the show’s orders in order to “transform,” Juyoung would have objected to things that she didn’t like and opposed/confronted them. Wouldn’t this have caused her to leave an even deeper impression on Inha?

Q. 신승연이 서혜성을 조금이라도 사랑했긴 했나요? 단순히 가지고 논 건 아닐지 궁금합니다.

Did Seungyeon love Hyesung even a little bit? Or was she truly just toying with him?

A. 기본적으로 "가지고 놀았다"고 생각합니다. 가끔 인상적인 면을 발견하기도 했겠지만, 일단 시작부터 잘못됐습니다. 학폭 건이 불거졌을 때 신승연은 해명조차 듣지 않고 결별을 선언했고, 이 에 서혜성도 해명을 포기했을 것입니다. 신승연은 오디션 쇼에 안타깝게 매달린 서혜성의 영혼을 한 번 더 부숴버린 사람이겠습니다. Fundamentally, I think she was “just toying” with him. She may have discovered some aspects of him that impressed her, but it was a bad relationship from the start. When the school violence scandal was exposed, Seungyeon broke up with him immediately without even hearing his explanation, and Hyesung gave up trying to explain from his side as well. I suppose for Hyesung, who was hopelessly clinging to the audition show, Seungyeon was someone who crushed his spirit twice.

Q. 서혜성의 부친은 이혼했거나 죽은 건가요? 학폭 사건 이전의 서혜성은 어떤 아이였을까요?

Are Hyesung’s parents divorced or deceased? What was he like as a kid before the school violence incident?

A. 서혜성은 외동이며, 아버지는 일찍 돌아가셨습니다. 장세일의 뒷조사에서 보신 대로 어머니는 시장에서 건어물 가게를 하고 있습니다. 혜성이는 쭉 시장 상인들 틈에서 자랐을 것입니다. 퇴학 전에는 말썽꾸러기지만 인사성 바른 아이였겠지요, 학폭 사건 후에는 시장에 발길을 끊었으리라 생각합니다. Hyesung was an only child, and his father passed away at an early age. As seen in Seil’s investigations, his mother was a dried fish vendor at a fish market. Hyesung would have grown up with the vendors at the market. Before his expulsion, he was seen as a mischievous but polite and friendly boy, but after the incident he stopped going to the market altogether.

Q. 서혜성의 말투만 유독 나이 들어 보이는데 이유가 있습니까?

Hyesung’s particular speech style makes him sound older, is there a reason for this?

A. 서혜성은 시장 상인들 틈에서 자라 갓 스물치고 고색창연한 구석이 많은데요. 아마 시장 어른 들은 어린 서혜성을 예뻐했을 것이고, 우정과 놀이를 중시하는 성정도 여기서 비롯되었을 것입니 다. 어릴 때는 말하는 게 웃긴다며 인기도 있었겠지만... 고등학교에 진학해 송건욱을 만나며 많은 게 바뀌고 말았습니다. Hyesung grew up amongst the market vendors, so though he’s only twenty he has a lot of aspects to him that are old-fashioned. The elders at the market likely doted on him as a child, and this was probably where his emphasis on friendship and playful nature came from as well. When he was younger, his funny style of speech probably made him quite popular...But after entering high school and meeting Song Kun-Wook, everything changed.

Q. 구조 직전 분장실에서 신호 불량으로 PlugHole의 메시지가 끊기는데, 원래 이어질 내용은 무 엇이었나요?

Just before the rescue, PlugHole’s messages are interrupted due to a failed signal, but what would have been the next message?

A. "사실 나는" 뒤의 내용은 "진실보다도 네가 무사히 나오기만을 바라.” 였을 것 같습니다. After “Actually, I...” I think the next message would have been “want you to get out of there safely, even more so than I want the truth”.

Q. 신승연이 장세일이나 오인하에게 건넸다는 위로들은 진심으로 한 말이었을까요?

Do you think Seungyeon’s words of comfort to Seil and Inha were in earnest?

A. 신승연은 장세일에게도, 오인하에도 진심을 말했다고 생각합니다. 다만, 순간의 진심일 뿐이라 얼마 뒤에는 기억도 하지 못했을 것입니다. I think her words to both Seil and Inha were in earnest, yes. However, it was only in the moment, so she probably didn’t even remember them after a little while.

Q. 신승연은 마지막에 제 명을 재촉한 느낌인데요. 왜 위기의 순간에 그런 말을 했을까요?

It feels to me as though Seungyeon really dug her own grave in her final moments. Why would she say something like that in a moment of danger?

A. (범인도 마찬가지로) 패닉 상태였던 것과 더불어, TOP 5는 자신을 거역할 수 없다는 생각이 기 본으로 있었기 때문입니다. 신승연은 "금수저" 이규혁의 실체를 알고 있었기에 먼저 찌르고 들어 가면 자신을 구할 수밖에 없을 거라고 보았겠지요. 어쨌든 저는 당시에 둘 다 패닉 상태였을 거 라 생각합니다. 정상적인 판단이 가능했다면 말에도, 행동에도 분명 수위 조절이 있었겠지요 (Just like the culprit), she was panicking, and she also fundamentally believed that the TOP 5 were incapable of disobeying her. Since Seungyeon knew the truth about “Silver Spoon” Gyu-hyuk, she thought that if she came in with the offensive Gyu-hyuk would have no choice but to rescue her. In any case, I believe that at that moment both of them were in a state of panic. If they were in a situation where they retained their normal sense of judgment, then of course both their words and their actions would definitely have had more restraint.

Q. 오인하의 관계도 이벤트를 보면 부친을 신고했을 때 "웃고 있었다"는 본인의 대사와 달리 겁 에 질린 이미지가 등장합니다. 이 차이를 넣은 의도는 무엇인가요?

In the rapport conversation with Inha, she claims that when she reported her father she “was laughing,” but the image that’s displayed contradicts this by depicting her as fearful. What was your intention with this disparity?

A. 제 이야기를 할 때 솔직해지지 못하는 사람의 심리와 더불어, 담담한 듯이 이야기하는 오인하 가 그때 얼마나 두려워하며 한 발을 내디뎠는지를 부각하기 위한 설정이었습니다. I was trying to depict the psyche of someone who can’t be honest when talking about themselves. Despite how calm she acted when telling the story, I wanted to emphasize how terrified Inha must have been when taking this first step.

Q. 오인하와 서혜성은 언제부터 사이가 나빴나요? 나중에 사이가 나빠진 거라면 초반에는 서혜성 이 오인하를 누나라고 부른 적도 있을까요?

When did Inha and Hyesung stop getting along? If it wasn’t right away, was there a time when Hyesung called Inha “noona”?

A. 서혜성이 오인하를 누나라고 부른 적은 없었을 것 같습니다. 또한 둘은 서혜성이 민주영에게 공손하게 (?) 굴지 않은 사건에서 본격적으로 티격태격을 시작했을 거라 생각합니다. I don’t think there was any point when Hyesung called Inha “noona.” In addition, I think that the incident where Hyesung refused to be polite (?) to Juyoung was when they really started quarreling.

Q. 무대 붕괴 사건이 일어나지 않은 상태에서 이규혁이 신승연 PD의 비밀을 알았다면 어떤 선택 을 했을지 궁금합니다.

What would have happened if Gyu-hyuk had discovered Seungyeon PD’s secret in a situation other than the stage collapse incident?

A. 적어도 죽이진 않았을 것입니다. At the very least, he wouldn’t have killed her.

Q. 이규혁이 어렸을 때 친모에게 학대를 당했나요? 태어나지 말았어야 할 자신 탓에 수모와 고통 을 당했다는 표현을 보니, 혹시 어렸을 때 직접 들은 말을 옮긴 것인지 궁금해졌습니다.

Was Gyu-hyuk abused by his birth mother as a child? Considering his saying that he never should have been born and that he was the cause of her humiliation and suffering made me wonder if maybe that’s something that he heard her say when he was young.

A. 육체적 학대는 없었습니다. 친모는 이규혁에게서 계속 이병희를 떠올리고 그 그림자를 좇았을 것입니다. 이규혁은 제 존재로 친모가 이병희에게서 벗어나지 못했다고 생각해왔습니다. He was never physically abused. For his mother, Gyu-hyuk was a constant reminder of Lee Byung Hee, and she spent her life chasing after that shadow. Gyu-hyuk came to believe that it’s because of his existence that his mother could never be free from Lee Byung Hee.

Q. 이규혁이 넉넉하지 않은 가정환경에도 실용음악과를 선택한 이유가 궁금합니다!

I’m curious as to why Gyu-hyuk chose to major in applied music even though he didn’t grow up in a well-do-to household.

A. 친모가 그것을 강하게 바랐기 때문입니다. That’s because those were the wishes of his birth mother.

Q. 이규혁이 가족과의 관계를 "서로 기댄다", "의지한다"는 어휘로만 설명하는 것은 의도인가요? 관계도 이벤트에서의 과거 설명과 특정 후일담에서 "힘들면 기대라, 서로 의지하며 살아가자"고 한 부분이 유사하게 느껴집니다. 이런 스크립트 어휘에 세세하게 신경 쓰신 건지 궁금합니다.

Was it intentional that Gyu-hyuk only describes his relationships with his family using words like “depending/leaning on one another”? His story about his past in his rapport events and in particular his epilogue where he said “If you’re having a hard time, lean on me. Let’s live life depending on one another” feel very similar to me. I’m curious if using these particular words in the script was a deliberate detail.

A. 맞습니다. 이규혁은 "비슷한 처지가 서로 의지하는 형태"의 관계만을 쌓아왔기 때문입니다. That’s right. This is because to Gyu-hyuk, relationships where “people in similar circumstances depend on each other” are all he’s ever known.

Q. 장세일이 베스타 탈락부터 스탭 일을 할 때까지 부모님과 어떤 관계였을지 궁금합니다.

What was Seil’s relationship with his parents like after being eliminated from Bstars and before he started working as a staff member?

A. 장세일은 군인 가족으로, 오디션 이후 특히 아버지에게 수치스러운 자식이 되었을 것입니다. Seil comes from a military family, so after the audition his father especially saw him as a shameful son.

Q. C 루트에서 ???가 "돌이키기에는 늦었다"고 하는데, 이 "늦은 타이밍"이 무엇에 대한 것이었는 지 생각하신 바가 있었나요?

In C route, ??? says that “it’s already too late to turn back”, but do you have any thoughts on what they mean by “too late”?

A. 한도윤의 마음 안에서는 "배신", 즉 “마스커레이드가 이미 끝났음을 인정한 순간”을 되돌릴 수 없다는 의미였을 것입니다. It means that in Do-yoon’s mind, it’s impossible to undo the “betrayal,” i.e., “the moment he acknowledged that Masquerade is already done for.”

Q. 한도윤은 유독 1달 넘게 병원 신세를 지는데요. 어쩌다 혼자만 그렇게 다친 걸까요?

Do-yoon is the only one who stayed in the hospital for over a month. Why was he the only one who was hurt?

A. 한도윤은 시작 시점부터 잔해에 파묻히는 큰일을 당했습니다. 정상적인 몸 상태는 아니었을 거 라 생각합니다. 구조되고 나서야 자신이 얼마나 다쳤는지 알았을 것 같습니다. At the very start of the game, Do-yoon suffered an accident where he was buried under the debris. His physical condition wasn’t exactly normal because of this. It was only after his rescue that he realized how badly he was hurt.

Q. 트루 엔딩 이후 한도윤은 마스커레이드에 다시 복귀했을 거라고 생각하시나요?

After the true ending, do you think that Do-yoon would ever return to Masquerade?

A. 개인적 의견이라면, 돌아가지 않는 길을 택하지 않았을까 합니다. 신승연의 말처럼 "이미 마스 커레이드는 끝났다"는 사실을 본인도 스스로 인정했기 때문일 겁니다. My personal opinion is that he would probably choose not to go back. The reason is that, as Seungyeon told him, “Masquerade is already done for,” and he himself already internalized that truth.

Q. 트루 엔딩 후 한도윤은 밴드 멤버들과 영원히 척을 질지, 몇몇과는 연을 이어갈지 궁금합니다.

After the true ending, will Do-yoon continue to be on bad terms with the other band members forever, or will he continue to have relations with some of them?

A. 꽤 시간을 가진 뒤에 결국 모두와 연락하게 되지 않았을까 생각합니다. I think that after quite some time has passed, he would reach out to all of them eventually.

Q. 트루 엔딩 이후 오인하와 민주영은 이규혁에게 찾아갔을까요?

After the true ending, do you think Inha and Juyoung would have gone to see Gyu-hyuk?

A. 민주영은 퇴원하고 재참가를 위해 다시 상경한 무렵부터 이규혁을 방문했을 거라고 생각합니 다. 오인하에게는 조금 긴 시간이 필요했을 것 같네요. I think that Juyoung would have paid him a visit around the time that she left the hospital and came back to Seoul for her re-entry in the next season. As for Inha, I think it would take her quite some time.

Q. 서혜성이 안타깝습니다. 정들어버릴 때쯤 가서 더 그래요. 살려내도 결국 바뀌는 게 없는데 이 친구가 행복한 엔딩이 있을까요?

I feel bad for Hyesung. Especially because he was killed right as I warmed up to him. Even if we save him, things don’t ever change for him, so is there such thing as a happy ending for him?

A. 서혜성은 베스타 쇼에서 만난 기회를 통해 성급히 자신의 길을 찾으려 했지만, 그가 택한 방법 을 통해 행복을 찾을 방법은 없었던 것 같습니다. 생존 루트에서는 이런저런 시도 끝에 남의 비 밀을 폭로하는 것으로는 반등할 수 없음을 알게 되고, 반대로 제 두려움을 드러내고 가해자 송건 욱과 맞부딪히는 게 진짜 반등의 시작임을 깨닫지 않았을까 합니다. 진짜 싸워야 하는 대상은 거 기 있으니까요. 나중에는 생존한 장세일하고도 만나보지 않았을까요? 퇴원한 한도윤까지 세 사람 이 만나는 일이 분명히 있었을 것 같습니다. Hyesung recklessly tried to find his own path through the opportunity that Bstars afforded him, but my thought is that there was no way to find happiness through the method he chose. I think that in the route where he survives, he comes to realize after various attempts that exposing others’ secrets won’t help him rebound, and on the contrary, that facing his fears and confronting his assailant Song Kun-Wook is the real start of his comeback—because that’s where his true fight awaits. Later, I wonder if he also would have met with fellow survivor Seil? I definitely think the two of them plus Do-yoon would meet again at some point.

Q. 후일담 (3)의 오인하는 언젠가 꿈을 이룰까요? 그 무대에 오르는 한도윤이 있을지 궁금해집니 다.

Will the Inha from epilogue (3) ever reach her dreams? I wonder if Do-yoon will be one of the people to perform on one of her stages.

A. 오인하는 끈기 있게 노력해 꿈을 이루었을 것입니다. 크루 멤버들로 시작해 언젠가는 민주영과 한도윤의 무대도 만들어냈기를 바랍니다. Through patience and hard work, Inha will achieve her dream. She starts with her crew members, and my hope is that eventually she gets to work with Juyoung and Do-yoon as well.

Q. 이규혁은 항상 누군가와 유대감을 느끼려는 것 같고, 강하게 의지하며 살아가기를 바라는 것 같은데요. 트루 엔딩 시점으로 출소하게 된다면 또 누군가와 강하게 의지하며 살아갈까요?

Gyu-hyuk seems like he’s constantly looking for someone to feel a connection with, and wishes to live life leaning heavily on them. If he’s ever released in the true ending timeline, will he once again live his life depending on someone?

A. 트루 기준으로 출소하게 된다면 이젠 누군가를 의지하거나 도피처로 삼지 않고 홀로서기를 할 수 있게 되었길 바랍니다. My hope is that if he is released post-true ending, he becomes the kind of person who doesn’t need to rely on or turn to others for refuge, and can instead begin standing on his own.

Q. 트루 엔딩 이후 한도윤은 음악 자체를 포기하나요?

After the true ending, does Do-yoon give up on music altogether?

A. 혼란에서 벗어나 자신이 행복해지는 길을 찾았으리라 믿고 있습니다. 거기엔 아무래도 음악이 있었을 것 같네요. I believe that Do-yoon is able to free himself from the chaos and find a path that leads him to happiness. I feel that whatever that path is, music must be a part of it somehow.

Q. 트루 엔딩 후 오인하와 민주영은 계속 연락을 하며 지냈을까요?

After the true end, do Inha and Juyoung keep in touch?

A. 자주 연락했을 것입니다. 인하가 "만들어주겠다"던 무대의 약속은 민주영에게도 마찬가지일 테 니까요. They would keep in touch fairly often. The promise Inha made to "make [Do-yoon] a stage" would naturally also have extended to Juyoung.

Q. 하수창과 한도윤은 트루 이후로 좀 친해질까요?

Will Suchang and Do-yoon become friends after the true ending?

A. 전 친해졌을 거라고 생각하지만 어느 쪽이든 도윤이가 좀 행복해졌으면 좋겠네요. 제가 도윤이 에게 선빵을 날렸다고요? 그건 그렇지요… I think that they will, but regardless, I do wish Do-yoon can be a little happier somehow. Are you saying that I’m the one who sucker-punched him? Well, that’s true, but…

[sagemusesoutloud]

Anti-Romantic, Part 4

(credit to the original owner of the image)

Character | Jaehyun x reader

Genre | nonidol!au, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Fluff, Angst

WordCount | 1.5 k

WARNING | Mentions of verbally abusing relationships! It's brief, but there. If you or anyone is going through something similar, please seek outside help!

Author'sNote | I'm not giving excuses as to why it took so long to update, but I'm trying my hardest to be consistent! Let me know if you like how the story is going so far!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5

Sorry I’m an anti-romantic, I don’t believe in romantic

I am afraid that it will burn my whole heart, It will only leave behind ashes.

When you were younger, your family used to call you ‘spitfire.’ They said you were too fiery, argued too well, and too passionate. They had never meant it as an insult, in a way, it was a form of flattery. You grew up as the only female cousin in your family, but you were always leading your cousins on whatever diabolical plan it was that you had come up with: sneaking off to kitchen in the middle of the night to eat all the pastries meant for the morning after, convincing everyone that leaving your grandma’s territory and into the forest in the middle of the night to see if you can find the fairies, racing along the town’s border to see who was the fastest on their bike, and many other child-like plans. You were tough and you were proud, you never allowed yourself to lose.

Later on in life, that same nickname evolved to a less loving version. As you grew older and started to date, your partners always called you out for having strong opinions and for not bending at their will. They never saw you for what you wanted to be; which was an equal. If they said something against one of your friends, they expected you to throw away the friendship. All because they were the opposite sex and made your partner insecure. How could a girl and boy only be friends? Later on, when rumors would spread about your partner and other girls, they would get exasperated with you. If they’d get caught, they would only blame you for being too stiff.

“Why couldn’t you be more passive? If I want to kiss you, I’ll kiss you. You’re my girlfriend, why the fuck would I need permission? Is that what your ‘guy friends’ do? I bet you’ve let them all have a run at you, huh? Keep acting like a bitch, get treated like a bitch. And you wonder why I cheated? What a joke.”

You had to admit, you didn’t really date the greatest of guys. But you could say that now, because you knew now. Back then, you really thought you deserved those kinds of relationships. Like how they say, you only accept the love you think you deserve. However, in a way, it was why you were the way you were now. You always made it a point to communicate and avoid misunderstandings because you didn’t want your partners to throw your words back at you or your actions. It’s why you treaded carefully and avoided one-night stands. You’d rather get to know a person first and then start dating. It’s the exact reason the date you had with that other barista didn’t go through, majority of the guys you talked to thought you were too much work and therefore, not worth it.

Now that you’re an adult, you’d rather be too much work than let a guy walk all over you. Boundaries were important to you because how else were you supposed to gauge their respect for you? You had a tight grip on your morals and rules.

But damn, you’re only human!

The moment your lips crashed, it’s as if the only thing you could keep in mind was one word.

More.

You needed more of him, needed to breathe the same air as him, needed to feel every ridge of his hard body against your soft one, needed to cling to him as close as possible and for as long as possible.It’s as if his lips were the only reason you needed to dive into whatever this was. You were tired of keeping a strong hold on yourself. All that boiling anger turning into dangerous tension, and the only way to release it was to give into the passion between you two.

You settled your arms around his neck, taking that last step closer into him as he cradled your face and deepened the kiss. His other arm wound tightly around you, hand sliding dangerously close to your ass. You feel a deep groan against your chest, one of your hands wandering down his torso, enjoying the shiver you feel as you move lower. His tongue swipes at your bottom lip, a question, so you reply by opening your mouth, tongues fighting for dominance. For every move you delivered, he retaliates just as ardently. You feel your head grow lightheaded as you bring your hands to hold on to his shirt, anything to stabilize you. His hand finally squeezing your ass, shifting you closer to his hips. Oh, lord.

You let out a moan as he bites your lower lip, his kisses descending as you fight to catch your breath. You involuntary let out a whimper as he finds your pulse point and sucks the skin, soothing it with light kisses. Leaving behind a trail of purple blotches, beautifully contrasted against your skin. You’d never been into marking, had it always felt this good?

“Jae…” you can’t think, you can’t even stand properly as he pushes you with his hips against the counter for support. You don’t even know what you wanted to say, do you want to ask for more? What do you want?

“God, I’ve wanted to do this for years.” You pause at that, your hands freezing on their tight grip on his shirt. You feel as if someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water at you, your rationality finally catching up with you.

He leans back to look at you, “if you’re going to stop me, do it now because if you don’t say anything I’ll keep going. And I don’t think I can stop on my own.” His hands drawing gentle, tantalizing circles along your hips where your shirt had ridden up.

You gasp at that; finally bring your eyes to his. He looked exactly how you felt, desperate. His lips were red and puffy from your kisses, his hair messy after running your hands through it. In the light of the kitchen, you could still see how his pupils were blown wide. You’re pretty sure you’re not in any better condition.

“Jae,” you whisper, brining your hands to his shoulders, either to support yourself or to brace yourself for what you were about to say, “if we do this, there’s no going back.”

He lets out a deep breath, “I know, and I’m ok with that.” He offers a gentle smile, “I want that.” His heart drops as he notices how you drop your gaze and bite your lips.

“if we do this, can you guarantee that it won’t ruin our friendship?” for some reason, you can’t bring yourself to speak higher than a whisper or to look at him. “can you promise that you won’t run away again?”

You wait for his response. When it doesn’t come you finally look up, only to find a frown forming on his brow. You don’t expect when he takes a step back, “is that all I am to you? All this is? Just a risk you’re not willing to take just because you don’t want to ruin the ‘friendship’?”

“I don’t know…Am I supposed to forget what you just said a few minutes ago?” He gives a humorless laugh as he paces around the small kitchen.

You’re frozen in place, spaced out at his words. It’s like as if you’re watching yourself from somewhere else. But you think about it, is that what it is?

Before you can respond or come to a conclusion, he stops at the entrance to the kitchen, back towards you. “Are you really not understanding what I’m saying or are you avoiding it?” his shoulders sag but he keeps going, “If loosing me is what you’re so worried about, then let me make it simple for you.”

Your body grows number by the second, what’s wrong with you? You’ve finally done it, burned away the last semblance of security and friendship. Just like a thoughtless spitfire.

“I can’t go back to this back and forth bullshit. I’m tired. I don’t think you even know what you want, so until you do, I think I need my space.”

He motions towards his front door, “I’m gonna go, if you’re still here by the time I come back, I’ll take it as a sign that you do want us…to happen. If you leave, I’ll pretend the last two days didn’t happen and we can go back to how we used to be. I’ll never cross the line again, and I’ll do everything to move on.”

You only notice you’re sobbing when you tears blur your vision. What have you done?

You don’t even hear him leave, only when the door slams after him.

I can clearly see the end, Worse than a hangover

It will be hard, Now, Just end it somewhere here

EndNote | Damn, I've never written a kiss scene before. Hopefully it wasn't too awkward. This is a lot of angst too, which I'm not a big fan of reading, but wow... who hurt me lmao. Promise the next chapter won't be as bad, or will it?

Previous: Part 3 | Next: Part 4.5

[artificialqueens]

Tree House Kisses, Chapter 46/46 (Adorney) - Scorpio and Veronica

A/N: Well, here we are. After 46 chapters and over 4.5 years, we’ve finally come to the end of the road. Of course, this last chapter is dedicated to the wonderful, brilliant, amazing @artificialscorpio, who was the original author of this fic and who generously allowed me to first come onboard as a co-author, and then take over when they decided to take a break. I love you so much honey!!!

And of course, we’ve had some fantastic beta readers, especially the ones who helped with these last batch of chapters: @saiphl, @sillylittlecandycane and @tumble4rpdr. Thank you so so much to you guys, you’re the best!

Lastly, if you have ever liked, commented on, or interacted with this story in any way…I love you.

-Veronica

If you’re interested in the rest of this fic, you can click here for previous chapters or here if you’d rather read on AO3. xoxo!

Chapter Summary: Graduation! But what does the future hold…?

Chapter 46: Kaleidoscope

Courtney was very rapidly losing her grip on reality, hands buried in Adore’s hair, back arched, biting down on her lip so hard she tasted blood. The absolute gentleness of Adore’s mouth was making her insane. Even the way she held her thighs down, thumbs lightly stroking her skin, was soft and warm.

The best part, though, was that it was her. Her best friend. The deepest, truest love she’d ever felt, finally being expressed.

Adore.

No one in the history of the world had ever had a more fitting name, Courtney thought, as her fingers tangled deeper into Adore’s hair. And then, like slipping under the cool water on a hot day, her world went blurry, sounds distorted and amplified.

“Adore…” It was a plea. A chant. Her only remaining connection to the physical world, the last thread she held onto before finally letting go, eyes falling closed and body melting down into the wooden floor beneath her.

Her eyes fluttered as she gasped for oxygen. Adore had rolled off of her, was holding one of her hands.

“Courtney?” she asked, edging closer, breath warm on Courtney’s cheek.

Courtney turned towards her, eyes liquid. “Hmm?”

“Are you okay?” she asked. There was a hint of a smile in her voice, an amused sparkle in her eyes.

“Uh huh,” Courtney managed. She took Adore’s face in her hands, kissing her tenderly and then murmuring against her lips. “That was perfect, so perfect…”

“Yeah?” Adore asked, wrapping her into an embrace.

“Mmmh…” Courtney snuggled against her, eyes closed. She was fairly certain that she’d never felt better in her life, and she hugged Adore tightly. Maybe too tight, from the way she shifted.

“Sorry,” Courtney whispered, loosening her grip as much as she could bear.

“For what, baby?”

“For-” Courtney’s breath hitched.

She buried her face in Adore’s chest, unable to express the emotions that currently enveloped her. Adore rested a cheek against her head, stroking her bare back. Courtney couldn’t explain why for the life of her, but suddenly, there was a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut.

“Don’t let go.”

Adore had always been her best friend, the person she loved most in the world, but now, as perfect and wonderful as everything was, the thought of losing her was about a hundred times scarier. And even though Courtney finally knew that Adore felt the same way she did, part of her was still scared that the intensity of her feelings would scare her off.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” Adore murmured back softly. “I love you.”

It was the gentleness in her voice that finally allowed Courtney to let it all out. A tear began to make its way down Courtney’s cheek, and then another, and another, until she was full on sobbing, with no idea exactly why. It was like the combination of her earlier anxiety and fear and sadness and anger had catalyzed with the ecstatic joy and gratitude she was feeling now to create an unstoppable river of emotion, clinging to Adore like she was a life preserver.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m-”

“It’s okay. It’s okay,” Adore sniffled, and it was only then that Courtney realized that she was crying too.

What a perfect mess they both were, she thought, and started laughing through her tears, Adore joining in as she rocked her slowly, both of them crying until they were wrung out and exhausted, too tired to move. The last thing Courtney remembered before drifting off was Adore kissing the top of her head and pulling her impossibly close.

-

Adore slept peacefully, maybe better than she had in years, until she was woken by the sweet caress of Courtney’s fingers as she laced and unlaced them with her own, the early morning fog making everything cool and slightly damp, causing them both to burrow deeper into the sleeping bag.

A sleepy smile spread across her face, arm tightening around Courtney’s body, whispering, “Hey there…”

“G’morning,” Courtney murmured back, snuggling against her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Honestly? It’s all a bit hard to believe,” Courtney admitted. “I keep thinking I’m gonna wake up and it’ll all have been a dream.”

“Yeah.” Adore knew exactly what she meant. Things this good just didn’t happen--not to her. She tightened her grip on Courtney’s hand, squeezing her fingers, trying to reassure both of them that it was actually real.

“I do have a question for you, though.”

“Hit me.”

“Do you still think that we shouldn’t live together?” Courtney asked. Her tone was light and playful, but her eyes lowered slightly, and Adore could see that she was actually a bit unsure.

She smiled, shaking her head, pulling her in tight. “No, uh...I think that concern has like...resolved itself.”

“So then...the plan’s back on?” Courtney asked, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

A week ago, Adore wanted to stab her own eyes out every time she thought about them as roommates. But now, she couldn’t think of anything more exciting.

“Plan’s back on. And hey, now we can save even more money by getting a one bedroom,” she said, adding quickly, “If you think that’s something you’d want.”

“Definitely!” Courtney giggled, laying her head back down on Adore’s shoulder.

They sighed, content to just be together, to enjoy the stillness of the dawn and their hearts beating in sync.

They must have drifted off again, because the next thing Adore knew, the sun was high in the sky and Bonnie was rapping on the wooden ladder, calling up to her to get her lazy ass up and come have some breakfast.

She rubbed her eyes, sitting up. “Uh, coming Ma! I’ll be down in a minute!”

“I guess I better go get ready too,” Courtney said softly, gazing up at her.

Adore looked over at her, struck once again by how absolutely beautiful she was. She nodded and leaned over to brush a kiss against her lips.

The rest of the morning was pure chaos. Adore’s aunts had cooked a big breakfast, which of course took ages longer to eat than it should have. Then there was the logistical nightmare of bathroom time. By the time she arrived for the ceremony, she was late, her classmates already lined up in alphabetical order and beginning to walk towards their seats.

She searched the line for Fame and Violet, racing towards them to find her own spot, nerves making her stomach twist itself into knots, the disgusting polyester of her graduation gown making her sweat.

She’d really been hoping to see Courtney before the ceremony began--after all, it was one thing to confess their feelings to each other in private, but how would she act in front of all their friends and classmates, with their families watching from the bleachers? She couldn’t even text her, because they’d been told in no uncertain terms that any phones out would be immediately confiscated. Apparently some people treated high school graduations like some kind of religious ritual.

She barely listened to the speeches. It was clear from the crowd’s laughter that Bob was killing it, and good for him, but she didn’t have the brainpower to keep up with that. Fame kept reaching over both Violet and Valerie Delacruz to stop her nervous hands from tearing apart the orchid she was supposed to hold, but it was no use. By the end of Principal Greene’s speech, it was a pile of scraps in her lap. She brushed the pieces into the grass, sighing, wishing it was over.

Finally, it was time to file across the stage, and Adore knew that it should have been an exciting moment for her, but all she could feel as her family cheered their hearts out was numb apprehension, preparing herself for the worst. She tried to seek out Courtney’s face in the crowd as she stepped off the stage, but unfortunately, she was sitting behind Brent Isaacson, an absolute tank of a football player, and thus completely invisible.

Adore groaned inwardly, knowing that this might be the hardest part of the whole day...sitting back in her seat listening to the names of all the rest of her graduating class as they filed across one by one. With no more orchid to play with, she instead gripped the sides of her folder chair and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Hey…” Fame leaned over (ignoring Violet’s irritated scoff) and whispered, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Adore didn’t bother elaborating, so Fame gave her a pat on the thigh and straightened back up.

She did perk up when they started calling the J names, scanning through the line for Courtney, who looked tan and beautiful in deep scarlet lipstick, hair curled and spilling over her shoulders. Adore sat up as straight as she could, and when their eyes finally met, Courtney’s face broke out into a smile, giving Adore a secret little wave before turning to pay attention to the people directing them across the stage.

It should have made Adore feel better, but instead, it just made her anxiety skyrocket. She clapped for Courtney and then slumped back in her seat, passing the time by trying to think of lyrics to a song she was writing.

And then, at long last, it was over, everyone jumping up, some people throwing their stupid hats (even though they’d been told not to), a frenzy of activity as people hugged and cried and families swarmed down from the bleachers and onto the field with the graduates.

Adore looked around, but in the madness, couldn’t spot her anywhere.

“Can you believe we did it?” Willam was asking, as his arm slung around Violet’s shoulder, as Trinity and Fame squealed and hugged.

Adore’s throat felt a little dry, still scanning the crowd, when she felt someone throwing their arms around her from behind, practically knocking her over.

She laughed, first taking a moment to enjoy Courtney’s arms around her, sighing with relief before turning around and facing her.

“Hi. Congratulations,” she said softly.

“Same,” Courtney whispered back, gazing up into her eyes, hands still on her shoulders.

Adore swallowed, still unsure what to expect, but figured that at least, a hug was safe. She slipped her arms around Courtney’s waist, prepared to pull her in for a hug. But Courtney had other plans, taking Adore by the cheeks and kissing her right on the mouth.

Not just any kiss, but deep and slow, causing all the noise and the mayhem around them to fade away as Adore relished in the feel of her lips, warm and soft. In that moment, all of her panicking seemed insane--because of coursethis was how Courtney would break the news to their friends and family. Of course she wouldn’t care about gossip and prying eyes and snide comments. With that kiss, she was showing Adore yet again that she was number one, that nothing could stop them any longer.

That, as cliché and trite as it was in Principal Greene’s speech, today really was the first day of the rest of their lives.

A giddy laugh slipped from Adore’s lips as they parted, still too wrapped up in each other to pay attention to their friends gaping at them. Adore held Courtney close, giggling softly as she rested a forehead against hers.

“You know people are watching us,” Adore whispered.

“So?” Courtney whispered back, standing up on her tiptoes to press one more kiss to Adore’s lips.

“I told you she was bi!” Fame cried triumphantly, finally causing them to break their eye contact and look over at their friends. “Belli, you owe me five bucks!”

“Excuse me, you placed bets on us?” Adore asked, a hand on her hip. Beside her, Courtney seemed to find it all utterly amusing. “Does that mean you actually discussed this?”

“Yeah, bro,” Pearl said, patting her shoulder. She and Tatianna had apparently made their way over to the group while Adore was distracted by Courtney’s very friendly greeting. “Like...all the time.”

“Well…” Adore glanced over at Courtney, who was leaning a head on her shoulder, grinning from ear to ear, and realized that she couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed.

-

Every time Courtney so much as glanced at Adore, she felt like she was on top of the world. Of course, it was great to be at a graduation party with her family and friends, surrounded by so many people who cared about them both. But she would be lying if she said that anyone there made her feel half as excited as Adore’s hand in hers.

To anyone watching, she probably looked like a clingy mess, barely letting go of Adore’s hand, leaning against her shoulder, putting an arm around her waist, kissing her at every opportunity.

When she broke away for a few minutes to pose for family photos, Courtney felt a little ridiculous for missing her so much. She stood with some of her own family, making small talk about her summer plans, glancing over at Adore longingly every three seconds, waiting for her to come back.

Willam chose that moment to approach her, slinging an arm around her waist and asking, “What the fuck, cheerleader? I tell you my dick sucking secrets and now you're going to the dark side? Hope you have fun eating pussy.”

“Hi, Willam.” Courtney smiled sweetly at him, then said, “This is my grandmother, Muriel. Grandma, this is my friend Willam.”

Willam’s eyes widened and he backed away slowly, Muriel just shaking her head and muttering about kids these days and their filthy mouths. Courtney laughed to herself, eyes lighting up when she saw that Adore was finally heading back in her direction throwing her arms around her as if she’d been away at war for years.

“Hi,” Adore said, laughing as Courtney hugged her. “Missed me, huh?”

“Yes,” Courtney said, nuzzling into her neck.

Muriel cleared her throat, and Adore whispered, “Grandma’s not amused.”

“Yeah, what else is new?” Courtney whispered back, and they both giggled.

-

“Hey, there you are…” Pearl said, walking over to where Violet was sitting on Adore’s front steps, away from the party. She’d been searching for a place to smoke a cigarette, and when she spotted her, realized that she’d been absent for ages. “What’s up?”

“Nothing…”

“Oh yeah?” Pearl lit up, then slid into the step below her, looking up at her sullen face. “Seems like something.”

“Pearl, just…”

“What?”

“Go away,” Violet grumbled.

“Seriously, what’s wrong? Today’s supposed to be a happy day. No more high school!” Pearl pumped her fist in the air, lowering it slowly when she saw how unamused Violet was.

“Yeah, it’s great. I’m great. And it’s totally awesome that Adore’s tragic unrequited love for her best friend ended perfectly, while mine ended in disaster.” Violet kicked a stone off the step.

“You know-” Pearl began, but Violet cut her off.

“I don’t want to hear it, Pearl! I’m allowed to be fucking mad that she got everything she wanted and I got nothing! So don’t tell me that I should be celebrating, because I don’t fucking feel like it!”

Pearl held up her hands. “Actually, I was gonna say that I get it.”

Violet paused, eyes narrowing, still slightly out of breath from her rant, and asked, “You were?”

“Yeah. I mean, if life was fair, you’d have been rewarded for being brave enough to tell Fame how you felt all along.”

“Hmmph.”

“But also...you know, they just hooked up last night. It could still end in disaster.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Violet demanded, eyes narrowed even more.

“I dunno...did it?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

Violet groaned, leaning back on her elbows. “This fucking sucks.”

“Yeah.” Pearl took one last drag of her cigarette before dropping it on the bricks, putting it out with the toe of her boot. “But, you know, you could look on the bright side.”

“Oh yeah? What’s the bright side, Polly-fucking-anna?”

“Now that you know for sure that nothing will happen with Fame, it frees you up to explore other...romantic opportunities.”

Violet snorted. “Oh yeah, like who? You?”

“You could do worse, you know.”

Violet stared at her for a few seconds, and Pearl thought there was a chance that she’d shove her off the steps, or laugh, or get even more annoyed than she already was. Instead, she shrugged.

“Alright.”

“Yeah? Really?”

“One date won’t kill me, right?”

Pearl grinned at her, shaking her head. “You won’t regret it.”

“I already do,” Violet retorted, with an exaggerated eye roll, only the light in her eyes and the slight quirk of her lips betraying her perfectly ironic tone.

-

“Augh, you bitch!” Adore shrieked, and Courtney laughed, fluttering her lashes innocently, pretending like she’d only gotten the frosting on Adore’s cheek by accident while giving her a bite of her red velvet cupcake.

“Oops, sorry,” Courtney said, licking the frosting off her own fingers as Adore tackled her onto the picnic blanket, both of them laughing happily.

“You guys are so cute,” Fame declared.

“Yeah, it’s disgusting,” Trinity added drily, and Tatianna laughed.

Courtney gazed up at Adore, about to go in for another kiss, when she stopped cold, Adore’s face stricken with guilt, pushing her off. Courtney turned in the direction where she was looking, and felt a lump in her throat.

Roy.

In Courtney’s ecstatic joy, she’d nearly forgotten about how awful their break-up had been--a mere two days earlier--but suddenly it all came rushing back, her pulse racing and stomach clenching.

“Shit,” she whispered softly, biting her lip.

She was frankly a bit surprised to see him here. From the look on his face when he’d stormed away, she’d expected for him to keep his distance for a long, long time.

“Are you gonna go talk to him?” Adore asked.

“Um…” Courtney knew she should, but she couldn’t will her limbs to move at the moment.

“You should talk to him,” Adore said firmly, taking the plate out of her hands. “I’ll save your cupcake.”

“Thanks, that was my number one concern right now,” Courtney said drily, and Adore chuckled.

“Stop stalling. Go ahead.”

Courtney heaved a sigh and stood up, brushing some crumbs off her skirt and walking slowly to the edge of the yard where Roy stood. The guilt made her stomach twist into knots, wondering what he would say, whether he was still so angry at her. She kept her eyes down, unable to look directly into his face, for fear of seeing that hatred on his face where once it had been nothing but love.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” he replied, seeming about as uncomfortable as she felt, shifting from one foot to the other. “Uh...congrats.”

“Thanks.”

There was a long pause, things more awkward between them than they’d ever been, before both of them began to speak at once.

“How are you-”

“Have you decided-”

They stopped, at the same time, Courtney daring to look up into his brown eyes for the first time, adding a sincere, “I’m sorry.”

Roy nodded, kicked at the edge of the grass.

“I really am,” she said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Courtney bit her lip, offering a gentle, “You’re gonna find someone better than me, you know.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about that,” Roy replied, a wry smile on his face that finally gave Courtney some hope.

“Um...do you want something to eat?”

“No thanks. I just came by to say congratulations and…” he sighed, letting out a sad little chuckle. “Actually, I’m not totally sure why I came. A glutton for punishment, I guess.”

“Okay.” Courtney swallowed, the lump growing in her throat. “I’m really-”

“I’ll see you around, Court.” He turned to leave.

“Wait!” Courtney sniffled, eyes misty, as he turned back towards her. She stepped forward, knowing she needed to say something but at a complete loss for what. This was the person who’d been there for her through thick and thin for years. It just didn’t seem right to let him go without telling him how much she was going to miss him. But saying that, or even telling him the truth--that she would always, always love him--it suddenly seemed selfish. She didn’t have a right to unburden herself to him, not anymore. She would have to carry this particular burden alone.

“Yeah?”

“I just...do you think…” Courtney chewed on her lip, trying to stop the tears threatening to leak from her eyes. “Do you think we’ll ever be friends again?”

Roy was silent for a moment, and Courtney immediately regretted what she’d said. It seemed insane to think that after everything she put him through, she was even entitled to his friendship.

“I’m sorry, I just-” she stopped, voice breaking, realizing that there was probably nothing she could say to make things better.

“No, I get it,” he said, once again showing her kindness that she didn’t deserve. “I just...I don’t know. Maybe.”

She nodded hopefully, grateful for the ‘maybe,’ knowing that it was really the most she could ask for at the moment.

“Well, um…” Roy cleared his throat. “Have a good summer.”

“Yeah, you too.”

She stood there for awhile, watching him go, waiting until he got into his car and drove down the block before turning and heading back to Adore and the others, collapsing onto the picnic blanket with a groan.

“Was it awful?” Adore asked, letting Courtney settle with a head in her lap.

“Mmhmm.” Courtney pressed her cheek against Adore’s thigh, eyes closed, trying to think of all the things that she had to be grateful for at the moment. The scent of fresh-cut grass. The warm summer day. Adore’s hands in her hair, fingers running through the strands without Courtney even having to ask.

She knew she’d feel guilty about Roy for a long time--maybe forever. But as she opened her eyes and saw Adore gazing down at her, the bleached parts of her faded lavender hair lit up by the dappled sunlight filtering in through the trees above, she also knew that she’d done the right thing for all of them, as hard as it was.

Adore seemed to read her mind, a smile pulling on her full lips as she bent down to brush a kiss against Courtney’s forehead.

-

Adore strummed lightly on her guitar, softly picking out a melody as she watched Courtney pour over a huge selection of guidebooks and maps, armed with multicolored highlighters and post-its. The evening sun slanted in through the window, giving her a golden, ethereal glow that contrasted sharply with her mundane task of selecting attractions and routes for their road trip next week. Adore was certain that no one in history had ever looked so beautiful sticking post-its in a guide book or unfolding a map.

If it was up to Adore, she’d just start driving and wing it, but Courtney was taking the planning part very seriously, considering every road and making sure every detail would be perfect. She’d even scheduled in time for “spontaneous fun” so that they could have some days of just fucking around the way Adore wanted. The careful consideration was a sign of how much it mattered to her, and besides that, Adore found her serious planning face far too cute to waste her breath arguing.

“Look, if we take the pink route down,” Courtney said, tracing it along the map with her finger, “Then we can hit up the El Chorro Hot Springs on the way to Cabo.”

“Sounds great,” Adore said.

“And then we can do the blue route on the way back, see? We’ll go through La Paz both ways, so we can either do it before or after. Maybe after is better, so we know how much time we can stay?” She tapped a highlighter against her chin, considering the options.

“Awesome.” A lazy grin spread across Adore’s face as Courtney looked up, head tilted.

“Are you even listening?” she asked, brow arched, a look of amusement tinged with mild exasperation flashing across her face.

“Sort of,” Adore admitted. “But I trust you. There’s really only one thing I care about on this trip, anyway.”

“Zip-lining in Las Cañadas?” Courtney asked, holding up a pamphlet.

“No.”

Adore set down her guitar, then reached out and grasped Courtney by the wrist, pulling her over into her lap. Courtney giggled, delighted, nuzzling her nose and then kissing her gently.

“Playa del Amor?” Courtney then guessed, eyes shining.

“No,” Adore said again, shaking her head. She trailed her lips along Courtney’s jaw to her pulse point, where her teeth gently nipped at the sensitive flesh before licking her softly, making Courtney shiver.

“The rock paintings in Sierra de San Fran-” she stopped talking with a short gasp as Adore began to suck, her fingers tightening in her hair.

“Give up?” Adore whispered, feeling her nod, the pride of making her melt so quickly making Adore’s heart race. She lifted her head, looking straight into Courtney’s now glazed-over eyes to firmly say, “I don’t really care where we go, or what we do. I just care about being with you. Without having to pretend that I don’t...fucking love every inch of you.”

Adore had no doubt that it would be a great trip. How could it not be? The two of them frolicking on beaches, splashing in the warm water while ocean breezes whipped their hair around. She could already taste the salty kisses and feel the sand between their toes. She could imagine getting naughty while rubbing sunscreen on each other’s backs, and sharing dripping ice cream cones.

She didn’t even care that Courtney was going to make her hike on dusty trails and visit coldly air-conditioned museums. Those awful hikes would only make it more satisfying to curl up together at the end of the night. And in the museums, they could hold hands, fingers laced together, the cool air giving them an excuse to stand closer together.

All of it would be perfect, no matter what roads they drove along or what beachside motels they stopped in for the night. Because they’d be together, finally together, making Adore’s wildest dreams come true.

She continued to gaze at Courtney in the golden light, getting a look of pure love, of singular devotion, in return. It was a look that was both new and deeply familiar, a look that Adore had seen before so many times, but never truly understood until they’d confessed their most vulnerable feelings out loud.

How could she ever, ever have doubted their unbreakable bond? At that moment, she had no idea.

Courtney tilted her chin up, leaning in to press her lips to Adore’s once more, the kiss slow and perfect, a lovely taste of the unhurried summer days ahead.

They finally separated, gazing at each other with mirrored love-stuck expressions, eyes locked--until Courtney caught a glimpse of something over Adore’s shoulder, smile growing even more.

“What?” Adore turned her head, trying to see what captured her attention.

“Our names,” Courtney told her, pointing.

Adore chuckled slightly at the sight, the names they’d carved so many years ago with Bonnie’s screwdriver. The letters were crooked and wonky, scratched into the wood by what were clearly amateurish hands.

Courtney shifted, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a house key. She crawled over to the wall and began scratching something new, next to the original names.

“What are you doing?”

“You’ll see,” she sang, now hard at work.

When the letters started to form in the soft wood, Adore laughed again.

“How come your writing looks just as bad as when you were 8?”

“I never claimed to be an artist,” Courtney said, and Adore slipped her arms around her from behind, pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder, eyes closed as she breathed in the scent of her, of summer personified. When Courtney was finished, she moved aside to give Adore a better look.

Inside a crude carving of a heart (or at least, what was meant to be a heart) was the message:

AD + CJ 2007

“Do you like it?” Courtney asked, blowing a few strands of hair out of her eyes.

“It’s beautiful,” Adore proclaimed. And it was--imperfect, messy letters that Adore wouldn’t trade for anything, because it was them. She knew, looking at it, that she’d always treasure it, this permanent reminder of their love and hope and boundless joy.

“You’re beautiful,” Courtney countered with a soft kiss to her cheek.

Adore smiled at her.

Again.

Her face hurt from all the smiling.

Courtney rested her forearms on Adore’s shoulders, a matching smile spread across her face, before asking, “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking...that our lives are gonna be awesome.”

“Obviously,” Courtney giggled, leaning forward to kiss her again.

Adore sighed happily into the kiss, then pulled back to look into her eyes, seeing the rosy, golden light of the sunset reflected back at her. More than that, she saw all the sunsets they were going to share together: this summer, this year, and beyond.

She’d never considered herself an optimist, not even close. But today, tonight, all she could see was a life of endless bliss stretched out before her.

The best part, though, was that it was already happening. Their beautiful life of love and joy and excitement had begun; she didn’t have to wait another second for it to start.

*

A/N 2: That’s all…for now. A sequel may be in the works. 👀 XOXOXOXO

[sciencespies]

The Ten Most Significant Science Stories of 2020

https://sciencespies.com/nature/the-ten-most-significant-science-stories-of-2020/

The Ten Most Significant Science Stories of 2020

Covid-19 dominated science coverage in 2020, and rightly so. The world grappled with how to combat the SARS-CoV-2 virus, learning about how it spread (whether it was on surfaces, via droplets or being airborne) and how it affected the human body (from immunity to symptoms like loss of smell.) But scientific endeavors in other fields, whether affected directly by the pandemic or indirectly by public health measures, didn’t come to a complete halt because of SARS-CoV-2. In incredible advances, researchers used three new tools for making discoveries about the sun, discovered that dinosaurs got cancer and published a study on a discovery in a Mexican cave that changes the timeline of humans’ arrival to the Americas. But none of those moments made this list of the biggest science stories of the year. It’s a subjective round-up, of course, but one compiled by our editors after much thought and debate. Presenting the key innovations, studies and discoveries that made 2020 an unforgettable year in science:

Companies Develop Covid-19 Vaccines in Record Time

A vile of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine against COVID-19 that was delivered to Arrowhead Regional Medical Center in Colton, California

(Irfan Khan / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)

Since the first case of Covid-19 was reported in China late last year, more than 802 million cases and more than 1.7 million deaths have been confirmed around the world. In the United States, more than 19 million patients have tested positive for the disease and more than 338,000 of them have died. While the disease continues to spread and cause death, help is in sight thanks to the record-setting effort to develop vaccines. In less than a year, Moderna and Pfizer, in cooperation with BioNTech, created the first messenger RNA (mRNA) vaccines ever to protect against Covid-19. An mRNA vaccine contains a synthetic version of RNA that tricks the immune system into thinking a virus is present so that it will make antibodies designed to fight the virus. This is different from a traditional vaccine, which is made of small amounts of an existing virus. The previous record for vaccine development was for mumps, which took four years in the 1960s, but Moderna started working on a vaccine in January and Pfizer and BioNTech began working together in March. By July, both companies began late stage trials, each with roughly 30,000 participants. In November, the companies declared their vaccines were more than 90 percent effective. By mid-December, the FDA approved both vaccines for use in the United States. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director Anthony Fauci hailed the accomplishments as a “triumph.” Now comes the complicated, months-long process of distributing the vaccines to the public.

NASA Snags Its First Asteroid Sample

Artist’s conception of NASA’s OSIRIS-REx spacecraft collecting a sample from the asteroid Bennu

(NASA/Goddard/University of Arizona)

In October, the NASA spacecraft OSIRIS-Rex reached out and grabbed rocks from a 4.5-billion-year-old asteroid named Bennu. The mission, which took place more than 200 million miles away from Earth, marked the first time the space agency reached out and touched an asteroid. The craft was supposed to land on the mass, but the surface proved too rocky, so the team behind the effort pivoted to using a robotic arm to snatch a sample. The smashing success almost worked too well; the collection module vacuumed up so much rock that a vital flap couldn’t close. Scientists abandoned their plans to measure the sample and took days to implement an effort to successfully store the rocks. The sample should arrive on Earth three years from now. Experts think it may contain water and prebiotic material, the building block of life. Such evidence might offer clues about how life on Earth started.

Habitats Burn During One of the Hottest Years on Record

Flames surround Lake Berryessa during the LNU Lightning Complex fire in Napa, California on August 19, 2020.

( Josh Edelson/AFP via Getty Images)

As of the writing of this list, 2020 is in competition with 2016 to be the hottest year ever recorded. This possible peak continues a dangerous trend, with the ten hottest years ever documented all occurring since 2005. Perhaps no illustration of the effects of climate change this year was more dramatic than the preponderance of massive wildfires. Millions of acres in Australia, which was set up for disaster as 2019 marked its hottest and driest year on record, burned from last October into January 2020. Thousands of Australians fled their homes, and many animals died or scurried from their threatened habitats. In Brazil, fires ravaged the Pantanal, the world’s largest tropical wetland, from July through October. Roughly a quarter of the ecosystem , which is larger in area than Greece, burned. Residents and animals abandoned their homes for safety, unsure of what would remain when they returned. In the United States, California recorded its worst fire season ever, with more than 3 million acres destroyed. Massive fires have dominated the state recently, with seven of the most destructive burns taking place in the last five years. Hot, dry summers, due in part to climate change, have set the region up for longer, more volatile fire seasons.

Scientists Discover Signs of Possible Life on Venus, or Maybe Not

Venus is a world of intense heat, crushing atmospheric pressure and clouds of corrosive acid.

(NASA/JPL-Caltech)

In September, astronomers published a pair of papers saying they detected a gas called phosphine on Venus. They said the discovery, which was made using telescopes in Hawaii and Chile, suggested a living source for the gas because other conditions on the planet couldn’t lead to phosphine formation. News outlets from The New York Times to National Geographic picked up the story, while reporting that some experts were skeptical of the finding. In October, three independent follow-up studies failed to find the gas on Venus. One of the studies used new data, and the other two used the initial team’s original data. In November, the original team revised their figures and said that phosphine levels were seven times lower than their initial estimate. As the debate about the presence of the gas continues, the story is important not just because of the correction, but because of what it shows: Science is a process in which findings are presented and then opened up to scrutiny and revision.

Microplastics Invade the Furthest Reaches of the Globe

Plastic debris covers the beach of the Costa del Este neighborhood in Panama City.

(Luis Acosta/AFP via Getty Images)

News that microplastics have spread into many of the earth’s habitats is nothing new, but this year, scientists published several studies showing that the amount is much greater than previously thought and the reach is much further than previously documented. In April, researchers documented microplastics in Antarctic sea ice for the first time. In June, a study published in Science estimated that 1000 tons of airborne plastic debris rains down on national parks and remote stretches of wilderness in the United States. The country’s estimated contribution of plastic waste to the oceans was shown to be double what was previously thought. And in October, scientists published a study estimating that 15.8 million tons of microplastic are embedded in the Earth’s seafloor—or a lot more than is floating at the ocean’s surface. Not only the planet’s lowest points have been trashed; scientists published a study in November that found microplastics in every sample collected from the slopes of Mount Everest, with one such sample collected at 27,690 feet above sea level. Plastic debris has infiltrated Earth’s water, air and the living tissues of so many creatures, including humans. What scientists don’t know yet, is all of the ways the pollution affects us.

Three Different Early Humans May Have Lived Together in South Africa

The Drimolen excavations and excavated fossils

(Andy Herries)

Despite being widely discredited in modern archaeology, orthogenesis—the theory that species evolve in neat succession, with new species replacing extinct species without much overlap—still looms large in the public understanding of human evolution. Researchers now say that evolution may have looked more like a scene first described in April this year, where three different species of possible human ancestors lived together in the same ancient cave in South Africa’s Cradle of Humanity. Tucked away in a roofless, amphitheater-like dwelling known as the Drimolen Paleocave System, skull fragments from Australopithecus africanus, Paranthropus robustus and Homo erectus were found to date back to 1.95 million years ago. This time period would mark the end of Australopithecus’s reign and the early beginnings of Paranthropus’s short-lived existence. Remarkably, the find could push back H. erectus’s origins by about 100,000 years; a cranium fragment scientists discovered might be the earliest fossil evidence of the species. Collapsed layers of fossil-packed sediment make precise dating tricky, but this study provides new evidence of multi-species hominin coexistence in a new geographic location, suggesting our ancestors were much more diverse than previously thought.

New AI Tool Cracks a Decades-Old Problem in Biology

Proteins are tiny molecular structures that make life on Earth go ’round. All proteins start out as a chain of chemical compounds called amino acids. Those chains then fold, twist and turn over and over again into perplexing tangles that eventually develop a three-dimensional shape. A protein’s shape defines what it can and can’t do—enter and alter certain cells, for example. When scientists can determine those 3-D shapes, the knowledge helps them understand how viruses spread, crack genetic codes and breakdown cellular infrastructure. Researchers have been searching for ways to crack the code of protein structures for 50 years. Scientists using existing technology require years of trial and error efforts to figure out a protein’s shape. This year, Google’s artificial intelligence company DeepMind debuted a deep-learning tool called AlphaFold that can determine a protein’s structure in a matter of days. The potential applications and breakthroughs this technology offers are numerous, including quicker and more advanced drug discovery. As one researcher described the find to Nature magazine, “It’s a breakthrough of the first order, certainly one of the most significant scientific results of my lifetime.”

The United States Is On Track to Eliminate Cervical Cancer

A pediatrician gives an HPV vaccination to a 13-year-old girl in Miami, Florida.

( Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

In a year plagued by a different kind of virus, good news is on the horizon regarding a form of cervical cancer associated with the human papillomavirus (HPV). Even without increased vaccination or screening, the United States is on pace to eliminate cervical cancer within the next 20 to 30 years, according to report released this year. When pap smears were widely introduced and regularly implemented at a global scale nearly a half-century ago, cervical cancer deaths began to drop. A vaccine introduced in 2006 prevented HPV infections that lead to cervical cancer. If medical professionals ramp up current vaccination and screening efforts, cervical cancer could be eliminated even sooner than expected, according to statistical models used in the study.

The United States Watched Washington Scientists Battle Invasive ‘Murder Hornets’

The Asian giant hornet, the world’s largest hornet, was sighted in North America for the first time.

(Washington State Dept. of Agriculture)

With a nickname like “murder hornets,” Asian giant hornets were hard to ignore, even though researchers spotted only a few at first. Asian giant hornets (Vespa mandarinia) decimate honey bee populations fairly efficiently (hence their nickname) and their sting is far mightier than any common bee found in North America. But after the New York Times published an article about scientists’ efforts to get ahead of the species before they settled for good in Washington state and British Columbia, the internet was abuzz with interest. Though four hornets had been spotted since fall 2019, it wasn’t until early October that the first live hornet was captured. By mid-October, entomologists found, isolated and incapacitated a nest that contained more than 500 “murder hornets,” including 200 queens. Though scientists may have arrived there in the nick of time, it’s impossible to know whether some of those queens mated and set off to start their own colonies, so a team is still on the lookout for the stinging beasts. All in all, the internet hysteria was exaggerated—and not exactly harmless either. Search engine inquiries about pesticides jumped, and common, oft-overlooked pollinators prompted panicked calls to local environmental agencies. One good thing to come out of the story? Folks learned a bit about the importance of controlling invasive species.

In 50 Years, Humans Have Decimated Two-Thirds of the World’s Wildlife

A leatherback sea turtle hatchling, an endangered species, crawls to the ocean.

(Mark Conlin/VW PICS/UIG via Getty Image)

Since 1970, 4,392 mammals, amphibians, birds, fish and reptile species’ population sizes declined by 68 percent, according to a World Wildlife Fund report released this year. Animals living in Latin America and the Caribbean took the biggest hit; their population sizes decreased by 94 percent. Habitat destruction is cited as the leading cause of these massive losses. The United Nations’ Global Biodiversity Outlook report produced similarly grim results. The document took inventory of 196 countries committed to recovering biodiversity as determined by the 2010 Aichi Biodiversity Targets. As dictated by the Aichi agreement’s ten-year plan, countries were to achieve certain recovery milestones like preventing the spread of invasive species and conserving protected areas. Most of the goals were not achieved or only partially met. Furthermore, the reports warned that pandemics, like the one the world is currently facing, could become more common if humans’ “broken” relationship with the natural world is not mended. In a statement, U.N. Convention of Biological Diversity executive secretary Elizabeth Maruma Mrema said, “the more humanity exploits nature in unsustainable ways and undermines its contributions to people, the more we undermine our own wellbeing, security and prosperity.”

#Nature

[juuls]

Pharmacist/Me = 1 🏆 Doctor/Nursing Staff = 0

Thank you in advance for reading this rant. I’ve been really frustrated and just needed to get this off my chest, and today at least I had a wonderful knight in a white lab coat. 🩺❤️‍🩹🥽🥼💪🏻

Content warnings and squicky squicks: (further down there is) an image of a medical vial with a clipped image of a more benign part of a syringe, health conditions (endometriosis, fibromyalgia), menstrual cycles and associated terms such as bleeding and other things, lack of empathy in my specific healthcare system, hysterectomies, pain, swearing and losing patience. Most important warning: self-administered syringes and injection discussions of legal medications (Depo-Provera) approved of by professionals and properly researched. P.S. this may sound rather Karen-like but I would never do this to someone’s face. Online ranting and acknowledging where I could do better is not the same as screaming in public for bossy requests or comps, etc. Ew.

Another ‘warning’… pharmacists being kick-ass allies and giving a damn about their patients.

I’m really annoyed because (and I know healthcare and scheduling is a clusterfuck right now, but…) for over a month now I’ve been trying to get an appointment in person to get this injectable medication that is, yes, birth control, but is also used for endometriosis in my case. And I have severe endometriosis (exacerbated severely by fibromyalgia, siiiiigh) to the point I bleed enough and lose so much I have to go to the hospital when my care is not properly preventative… like in this case, and the pain is unbelievably severe also to the point I’ve spent time in the hospital, including my 11th Christmas Eve and Day. I started this injectable medication at 13 because it was the only thing that came close to helping reduce my endometrial tissue. Even a hysterectomy wouldn’t help as much, unless they decided to go the super invasive route and remove all the organs (or parts of them) that had become ‘infected’ by the tissue. Again, tissue where it’s not supposed to be, and it causes extreme pain as the tissue tries to flush out of my body each period, even if it’s attached to, like, my pancreas. Just no. That does not work at all. No. That is not fun.

SO. I’m 31, nearing 32, and the doctor’s office knows this. I’ve had the same doctor since I was 10. Been on this medication nearly non-stop for just shy of two decades (with appropriate precautions such as bone density tests) because of the absolute severity of the pain and my inability to function when it hits… which can be months at a time of non-stop bleeding and morning sickness-level nausea and vomiting, migraines and the occasional complete inability to move—in other words, it’s debilitating.

My doctor (even the nurses, as it’s in large print at the top of my file in the system) knows all about this. They’re supposed to call me if I’m overdue by a certain margin (I get they’re busy but months and months???). But my doc’s also a bit of an airhead (albeit a smart one when he focuses) and takes forever to reply to anything on time, even when it’s a severe issue, but not severe enough to go to the hospital. But it’s gotten to the point where the nurses say to go to the ER and then the ER nurses and doctors there get SUPER pissed off (AT ME AND SOMEHOW NOT AT MY DOCTOR/NURSES AND THEIR ORDERS) at the ‘waste of time’, and it’s just a clusterfuck.

Oh yeah, and that ER visit while I was overdue for my injection? Internal intestinal bleeding along with a lovely, even if small, perforation in my fucking uterus from the growth of endometrial tissue. I MEAN COME ON — WHAT IN THE HELL. Totally preventable if they fit me in when I called literally over a month ago.

But I will not change my doctor (the other docs at the practice know what is going on and have offered to take me on, but they don’t have the experience with myself and my conditions or the history, but they can do little else because of professional conduct—it’s between myself and my doc) because he is the only one who treats me with humanity and understands fibromyalgia, endometriosis, pre-MS and pre-RhA/PsA, endo-related IBS, (ulcerative) colitis, and other neurological conditions with any degree of empathy. (See, I told you I’m a mess!) There is no way I’m switching offices in the perpetual shortage of doctors in Canada moving elsewhere for m o n e y (plus Covid-19 being a teen hooligan and constantly coming back to wreck more goddamn shit, including everyone’s sanity, then setting things on fire like the real hooligans in my village have been doing this summer — I mean… what in the hell!?!?), so with all that in mind I actually thank my lucky stars. So I put up with a lot of this shit because he treats me, besides him being an airhead, like an actual human being deserving of compassion and care and quality of life despite my severe disabilities and pain. So.

I’m usually treated really well (even if they often think I’m a nuisance for daring to be severely chronically ill/in pain all the time) so I try to be patient and good and understanding when I can.

But his STAFF (I know they’re busy and I’ve been patient but they’ve been so awful honestly to the point I cried hard enough my dad noticed my red eyes and frustration-tear fracks on my face)! And the doc himself’s inability to reply to notes on time even when urgent and when he knows the circumstances (I admit I am a bit of a hard patient so I can understand if he just kinda ignores me sometimes, honestly). But in this case I was THREE DAMN MONTHS LATE for my injection and they’ve always called in the past when I was coming due if it looked like I hadn’t scheduled an injection, so that I was all on time and squared away and didn’t risk severe pain and damage to my already-fucked hormonal system (learning I couldn’t have kids was absolutely heartbreaking, let me tell you, but even a hysterectomy in that case would solve nothing — this is by far the easiest option, especially considering how my fibromyalgia would fuck with my post-surgery recovery and leave me with lasting pain for years if not decades; sigh).

Anyway. So. After some ridiculous levels of back and forth and some truly remarkable levels of lack of compassion (she kept giving me the exact same, word for word response in a bored tone UGH) considering the severe pain I was in (I was told, in front of OTHER PATIENTS AND STAFF, that I could just wait until I talk to the doctor myself at my next phone appointment and then schedule my injection for my next MONTHLY followup — 4.5 months overdue at that point, it would’ve been — because, and I quote, ‘am used to dealing with pain because of my fibromyalgia and years of dealing with it and other conditions’ which they named in front of others!!!!!!!! what. the. fuck. But I kept my cool because I know all these people, my mom taught their kids music, they’re a fixture of the community, etc. and I refuse to be a Karen…. At least externally.

But here comes the nice part that makes me love our new (okay, he’s been here like 5 years but still, in a small town that’s pretty new lmao) pharmacist that much more. Rasik was aware of my frustration with the doctor and nurses and was even the one who brought to my attention that, at the time, I was 2 months late for my injection and he was a bit concerned since he’s privy to how much pain I exist in without throwing in one or more knives directly into my womb, ovaries, tummy, hips, and other areas my endometrial tissue has taken root. He’s such a sweetheart and he really does care for his patients— the work he does with my father’s diabetes (the tricky one where you’re not obese) management is above and beyond the call of a pharmacist and I will forever be grateful for that alone, never mind how he cares for me.

So I went in today to pick up another medication, after yet another frustrating stop-over at the nurses’ desks, and he suggested I ask for my injectable medication (it’s Depo-Provera, by the way) and the syringe plus the two tips necessary — I’m actually familiar with this since I had to learn epinephrine injections from an early age (not Epipen) and how to give testosterone daily to my ex-husband (sorry not sorry, dude, but congrats on your first kid *grouchy thumbs up*). But yeah! Legally he’s not allowed to suggest I give it to myself, but he was getting super fed up with the nurses and doctors dragging their feet and ‘being assholes with little empathy’ in his own words, so I took the hint and requested my vial plus syringe, as well as the drawing and injection gauge needles…. which he gleefully filled for me, and I reiterated that it was ‘fully my idea, not yours, Rasik, because everyone knows I’m dumb and would never think it’s you if something happened’ (I’m not dumb and I’ve given injections to others many times looool).

Long story short: HERE’S TO PHARMACISTS AROUND THE WORLD, BEING AMAZING AND CARING FOR THEIR PATIENTS AND ‘BENDING BUT NOT REALLY BENDING’ THE RULES TO MAKE SURE THEIR CLIENTS ARE CARED FOR PROPERLY. They are amazing and deserve every last bit of your courtesy, especially when they pull double duty every. single. day. because of Covid and their subsequent boosters. (i.e. boosters in the form of humans who are fucking stupid if they have no medical reason not to get the vaccine… I mean JFC.)

Rasik? You are amazing and I am 100% going to find you some Indian-Canadian (or North Indian; I believe that’s where he’s from originally) treats or desserts or make some myself after slyly asking his assistant what he leans toward liking.

Be kind to one another, yeah, but… my goodness: be kind to those who can truly make a difference in your health, sanity, and even life or death.

Pharmacists, volunteers, and frontline health workers: the true heroes of these times.

Thank you so much. So very much.

💜💙🇨🇦👨🏽‍⚕️❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

P.S. … now I just gotta stab myself intramuscularly after making sure there’s no air bubbles and etc., and swap out to the proper gauge needle (different, smaller, to draw from the vial, larger to inject so that it goes in more quickly and, oddly enough, hurts less haha). I don’t think air bubbles are as much of an issue as when injecting intravenously (ummm I have a doctor uncle and grandma nurse and nurse friends, so shush 😆). But I’ve done this for others and animals so I should be good! :)

I’m a smart enough cookie even if I’ve lost a few nibble-size pieces around the edges. 😉😘 buahaha

Cheers to my pharmacist!!!! You are amazing and I can’t wait for the pain and months and months of bleeding to settle down.

Remind me again why humans are the only mammals (animals?) with monthly fluxes? UGH wtf ever. 🙃

[nazghoulz]

The Definitive Ranking of Richard Armitage’s Acting Roles, Rated Exclusively by How Hot I Find Him In Screengrabs

Richard Armitage. As a diehard Thorin Oakenshield fan I certainly have a complicated relationship with him, mainly because I can never decide if I find him inherently hot or not. On the one hand, I’m a hardcore Thorinfucker. On the other hand my gay ass sees a headshot of Mr. Armitage and I’m just like, “Oh, no thank you.” So in order to set myself to rights, I have gone through Mr. Armitage’s IMDB and done a definitive ranking of all his 44 screen roles on there, based completely and arbitrarily on how hot I find him in screenshots. (Thank you to all the hardcore Armitage Fuckers who keep wordpress blogs with screengrabs of his various cameos and bit parts; my respect for you cannot be put into words.) I haven’t seen like 90% of these properties, and I didn’t bother to research them, so these are mainly just gut first impressions. I hope this helps anyone else out there who as confused by him as I am. Enjoy ?

44. Father Quart in The Seville Communion/The Man From Rome (2020)   — ??/10

I don’t think this movie is out yet? Idk I haven’t been able to find any stills of him, let alone much information about the movie itself. It’s listed on his IMDB though! And apparently he’s playing a priest...which could be extremely  👁️👁️ if done correctly.

43. Unnamed Naboo Fighter Pilot in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) — 1/10

OH SWEETIE NO!!!!! This physically pains me to say this, because I unironically love this terrible movie with my whole heart, but unlike a yung Kiera Knightley’s role (pictured front and center) as Padmé’s loyal body double Sabé, this is probably a cameo that we would all like to forget about. The only thing Richard has to offer is this unfortunate turtle-faced realness. This helmet does him no favors.

42. Man in Pub in Boon (1992) — 2/10

As far as I know this is Richard’s first acting credit on IMDB, and he for sure is working the background extra energy. Go on girl give us nothing! He does have a decent backside though, and it’s better than looking at unfortunate turtle face, so I give this one a 2.

41. Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets (2003)  — 2/10

I can’t really articulate why, but I absolutely despise every screenshot I see of Richard Armitage in this role. He is completely unhot, and not even in a way I can laugh at. He takes no advantage of his assets, he has no charisma, no magnetism, no nothing. This is Richard Armitage at his most white bread rando, in a way that makes me actively dislike him. Pbbbbttth. Bad. Throw this whole thing away.

40. Craig Parker in Casualty (2001)  — 2/10

I don’t know, it’s like the perfect storm of the gelled 2001 hair, the terrible quarter? eighth? zip sweater, and overall, er, skeezy vibes that he gives off that makes him particularly unhot in this role. Perhaps not as reprehensible as Unhot Paul, but still. I think the sheer boringness of this has to count for something. Blech.

39. Dr. Tom Steele in Doctors (2001) — 2.5/10

He honestly looks like a villain in an early season of Alias, which... well. Quentin Tarantino was cast as a bit-part villain in Alias season one, so take that as you will. But at least he’s compelling here, which is why he gets half a point over Unhot Paul.

38. Steven in Frozen (2005) — 3/10

Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends! Also short haircuts do nothing for you, Richard. Styled like this, they just serve to make you look sort of like a sleaze.

37. Peter Macduff in ShakespeaRe-Told (2005) — 3/10

He honestly looks like he could be a guest star in Friends in this one, where he’s a guy named Jason who Ross meets in Central Perk where they find they have a lot in common. Ross introduces Jason to Monica and they really hit it off, but it all comes crashing down because while Jason is sensitive and writes poetry, he also thinks that the Earth is flat. The rest of the episode is trying to get rid of Jason while he becomes increasingly obsessed with Monica, and Ross cannot quite let go trying to prove to Jason that the world is round. Anyway. Macduff Flat Earth Jason isn’t quite as unhot as Unhot Paul, but he’s pretty much on the same level as Tired Steven.

36. Phillip Durrant in Marple (2007) — 3/10

Something about him in this image really makes me want to punch him in the face. It’s huge Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 energy.

35. Young Claude Monet in The Impressionists (2006) — 3.5/10

I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND IS !!! CARNIVAL BARKER !!!!! STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE THE WORST GOATEE IN HISTORY !!! I was actually going to give Yung Claude a 2 but the more I look at this terrible beard the more impressed I am with the boldness of this look, so I had to bump it up to 3.5. Idk. Just look at this. It’s incredible, especially knowing what kind of beard Armitage can grow himself !!!!!!!!

34. Heinz Kruger in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) — 3.5/10

This is definitely the best looking he’s been so far in this list, but he’s a Nazi in this one, which makes him unsexy on principle. But do I feel a little something when he gets pinned to the ground by jacked Chris Evans with the above look on his face right before he swallows his cyanide pill? Can neither confirm nor deny. They are also truly playing into his inherently sinister bone structure, so I can respect that.

33. Percy Courtney in Miss Marie Lloyd (2007) — 4/10

Even including Yung Claude and Nazi Heinz, I think Nothing Percy is probably the weakest of Richard’s period looks, mostly because he looks like, well, nothing. He certainly doesn’t pull off that top hat like he does in North and South, and the secret to that might be the lack of sideburns. In this one he just sort of reminds me of the asshole fiance in Titanic.

32. Philip Turner in The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (2005) — 4/10

He’s really giving off bargain bin Hugh Jackman as Wolverine vibes here, if Logan’s energy was more “murderer in a Hallmark channel mystery” than “superhero.” Though, given what sort of show this is, that may be the point! Idk, this isn’t the worst. At least he has a decent haircut in this one. Still, I feel absolutely nothing when I look at him. He’s simply royalty-free stock music given human form.

31. Dr. Alec Track in The Golden Hour (2005) — 4.5/10

I could see how this conceivably be sexy in this role, but to be honest, he’s still nothing to me, sorry. He gets some extra points because he obviously worked out for this role and the hard nips through a white undershirt is a commendable look. I whole-heartedly respect Doctor Alec’s thottitude.

30. Daryl in Staged (1999) — 4.5/10

Speaking of thottitude!!!!! This is one cream-faced business boy that I can certainly get into! He looks like the love interest in a pre-Hayes code homoerotic thriller from the early 1930s. I’m sure that’s just because of the lighting and general staging of this production, but hm... demure. Love it.

29. Capt. Ian Macalwain in Ultimate Force (2003) — 4.5/10

Well, he looks like a character from M*A*S*H but with no charisma, or like an extra in The Great Escape who snitches on Steve McQueen to the Nazis. Also in half the pictures I find of him from this he’s wearing this terrible beret, which I know he can pull off because of a role that ranks much higher on this list. Whoever styles this man really needs to pay attention to what sort of headgear they put on him.  

28. Epiphanes in Cleopatra (1999) — 5/10

Speaking of headgear, you know what?? He doesn’t look awful here. A solid 5, perfectly acceptable. I think the helmet does a lot to accentuate the sharpness of his face in this extremely bit part, though the eyeliner definitely also helps as well.

27. John Mulligan in Moving On (2009) — 5/10

Mr. Armitage’s characters can really have potential when a production’s stylist allows him to wear scruff (IN A WAY THAT LOOKS NATURAL, LOOKING AT YOU YUNG CLAUDE). However, as it is with John Mulligan in Moving On here, he just sort of looks like a rando? They’re not playing into the inherent angularity of his face, which for me makes it sort of confusing regarding what sort of emotion I’m supposed to feel while looking at him. As it is, I’m just like, “Yup, that sure is a regular human man, right there.”

26. Smug Man at Party in This Year’s Love (1999) — 5/10

This is the face of a man who less smug and is more DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND !!!! Idk. He’s cute here, I’ll admit. That’s all I have to say about it.

25. John Standring in Sparkhouse (2002) — 5.5/10

I enjoy the bold choice of giving him wavy hair in this one, but I’m not sure he quite pulls it off. It doesn’t look bad, per se, just... he looks completely nonthreatening. Which I guess could be someone’s thing, but not mine. He honestly looks like a knock-off Will Graham, sans dogs and trauma.

24. Gary in Into the Storm (2014) — 5.5/10

I think the thing that really gets me is that this character’s name is Gary. Who on God’s green Earth looks at Richard Armitage and goes, “Ah yes, you do look like a Gary” ??? I don’t think I know of a single non-American Gary, especially since the name Gary only got popularized after Gary Cooper renamed himself after his hometown of Gary, Indiana!!!! It wasn’t really a name for human men before that!!!! I want to live in the alternate universe where Frank Cooper was originally from Albuquerque and named himself Albuquerque Cooper and this character is named as such. Gary. Really.

23. King Oleron in Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016) — 5.5/10

I truly hate how much his facial expressions in these stills remind me of Thorin, considering how bad he looks otherwise. Like his face his fine, I guess, especially since this is the first instance of his full beard. I’m charmed despite myself! Take me to wonderland, O King.

22. Adam Price in The Stranger (2020) — 5.5/10

For as compelling as people call this series, Richard here isn’t very much so imo. But despite my utter lack of interest, he doesn’t look bad per se. He just sort of has that stubbly white man blandness that colors a lot of his more recent roles. Like, at least his bad mid-2000′s styling had character. This is just the visual representation of a vague handwave.

21. Harry Kennedy in The Vicar of Dibley (2006)  — 6/10

Gosh... floppy hair, cute sweaters... he also seems to be smiling a lot in this one, which is nice! The only thing I have to complain about is that he looks very much like if Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman circa Kate and Leopold had a baby, which may not necessarily be too much of a bad thing, but I can’t unsee it.

20. Sgt. John Porter in Strike Back (2010)  — 6/10

Ah, back to poorly suited haircuts. At least he’s a little bit gritter and grimier than we’ve seen so far, and I will say Richard Armitage does look good covered in dirt, as we will see later on. Also he’s got biceps in this one, which, hell yeah.

19.  Ricky Deeming in Inspector George Gently (2007)  — 6/10

I’M HAVING THE HARDEST TIME RIGHT NOW RANKING THIS ONE BC OF THIS INCREDIBLE LITTLE WHITE SCARF-RIDING LEATHERS COMBO!!! WHICH ABSOLUTE GENIUS DECIDED THIS!!!! EVERY SCREENSHOT OF HIM IN HIS EPISODE HAS THIS!!! Part of me just wants to give Stylish Ricky a big fat 10 because I’m gay and adore the sheer audacity of this look, but I still have to be fair and rank his overall aura accordingly. I think he’s a handsome extremely gay-coded motorcycle lad in this one, but he doesn’t exactly rev my engine, so to speak.

18. Lucas North in Spooks (2008) — 6/10

The tattoos really spice this one up. Luke could have been plagued by the problems inherent in Regular Mulligan’s Moving On styling, but this guy has an edge to him. He has a good haircut and 5′ o’clock shadow, which is something I’ve figured out is integral to Armitage Hotness. I feel like if I got to know this character I could possibly find him sexy.

17. Raymond de Merville in Pilgrimage (2017) — 6.5/10

Speaking of bad haircuts, this one is his undoing. This is almost the perfect balance between full beard and short haircut, which is the only way a short haircut works on this man, but they ruined it with this one! They gave him a bad bowl fade, which completely undoes any inherent sexiness that comes with being a knight. Not even the fact that he’s covered in dirt can turn me on at this point, ugh. Guy of Gisbourne he is not!!!

16. Tom Calahan in Brain on Fire (2016) — 6.5/10

Oh hell yes, WELCUM 2 DA DILF ZONE!!! I’m not super duper thrilled with the looks I’ve seen from this movie, but he seems scruffy and comfy in a way that is slightly refreshing for ol’ Richard. This is certainly the best of his normie looks so far. I’m just sad it took them 24 years to figure out how to style him properly for sympathetic roles in a contemporary setting.

15. James in My Zoe (2019) — 6.5/10

It’s another DILF look, slightly edgier than Comfy Tom but none of that sexy tired energy that we’ll see from Ocean’s 8. I don’t know !! Jimmy here doesn’t exactly thrill me, I think I prefer Tom’s flannels to this sharp bomber jacket/white t shirt combo seen here. Oh well! I am extremely  👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 that he can just casually palm that soccer ball like that.

14. John Thornton in North & South (2004)  — 7/10

Alright. I’m sorry. I just don’t find him that hot in this role. Like yeah, he’s got the scruff and the sideburns that work to his advantage, and the setting does make this character inherently sexy, but in some screenshots he screams too much of an aforementioned Kate and Leopold (the best Meg Ryan movie, imo) era Hugh Jackman to me. And if I was particularly into that, I would just watch Kate and Leopold again. I will admit, however, that this rating could be subject to change if I actually took the time to watch this show.

13. Chop in Urban and the Shed Crew (2015) — 7/10

...I’M??? INTO IT??? He’s dirty and scruffy but also has kind eyes.... I feel like this is knock off Will Graham who has blossomed into his own. His run down, grime-covered own. He’s back edging into Bradley Cooper territory, but somehow it works for him in this one. Like, I’m 89% sure it’s the DILF vibes I’ve been getting from the other screengrabs I’ve seen of this role, and this particular flavor of DILF is way sexier than Jimmy or Comfy Tom.

12. Francis Dolarhyde in Hannibal (2015) — 7/10

His Caesar cut doesn’t bother me quite so much in this, probably because he is pretty explicitly playing a villain in a series that doesn’t have any basis in reality. A villain who is ripped, and who can effortlessly throw real Will Graham around. Armitage uses his inherent sinisterness to great effect as the Red Dragon, which is good actually! I think a lot of how hot he is in any particular role really depends on whether the styling allows him to play to his strengths...idk! I’m not usually a huge fan of clean shaven Armitage, but it works for Frank here.

11. Daniel Miller in Berlin Station (2016) — 7/10

As much as I adore this particular look (beard + fade + green army jacket), I have to compromise and give Danny a 7/10 because it seems like the first season they styled him in usual stubbly white man blandness. I’d say screengrabs from s1 are a solid 6, while this might be an 8, so the average is a 7. That’s all I have to say about this!

10. Claude Becker in Ocean’s 8 (2018) — 7.5/10

!!!!! I love him in this role, I about had a conniption in the theater because I absolutely was not expecting him!! He looks perfectly ruffled and scruffy, edgier than either Comfy Tom or Jimmy, which I’m very into. That plus his two borzois (objectively the best looking dogs on the planet) really put Old Claude over the top for me. Thank you, thank you Hollywood stylists for finally figuring out what to do with him for roles as a Normal Man.

9. Richard Hall in The Lodge (2019) — 7.5/10

I don’t know anything about this movie, but it seems pretty spooky, which I’m into. I think Richard is well suited for this sort of horror/thriller role, where his angular features can play into the overall vibe rather than some hapless stylist trying to work around them. He looks like another cozy DILF here but with a bite to him, like someone who would do anything to protect his brood. I mean, he’s teaching this child to shoot! But idk, he also has the potential for Jack Nicholson in The Shining energy, which I also could be....hm... into. Idk. Is this on Netflix??

8. Lee in Cold Feet (2003) — 7.5/10

FUN!!! FLIRTY!!!! OTTER VIBES!!!!! I LOVE THIS, he seems so goofy here, and Armitage doesn’t usually pull off goofy that well! I’ve giggled at literally every screenshot I could find from the four episodes he was in this show, he seems like a real himbo. I’m a huge fan, even if it comes at the cost of dehydration abs.

7. William Chatford in Malice Aforethought (2005) — 7.5/10

Hoo hoo HOO DO NOT JUDGE ME!!!!!!! Maybe it’s just because I’ve been watching the new season of The Alienist and the new dark and gritty HBO reboot of Perry Mason back to back, but sue me, I love the bold choice they made with giving him a pencil moustache here. He looks like a hot Howard Hughes; if cream-faced business boy Daryl from Staged is the young ingenue in the pre-Hayes Code thriller I cast him in, Bill here is the sexy antagonist. I desperately want to hear a perfect Transatlantic accent coming out out of that  mouth. This look fucks and I’m sticking to that no matter what.

6. Trevor Belmont in Castlevania (2017) — 8/10

Ah, yes, speaking of king himbos... do me a favor and look me right in the eye and tell me that you wouldn’t fuck Trevor Belmont. You can’t, can you?????? At least 80% of Richard Armitage’s inherent hotness stems from his voice, and you can’t tell me there isn’t anything sexier than thinking about letting that guy loose in a recording studio and letting him say fuck. Look, Trevor may be drawn that way, but it’s the absolute stupidity coming out of his mouth in that sweet baritone that makes me want to be raw-dogged by 100% pure Romanian beef.

5. Dr. Scott White in Sleepwalker (2017) — 8/10 

Much like I had intimated when talking about Hot Danny in Berlin Station, this is Peak contemporary normie Richard Armitage styling. I honestly think The Hobbit either awakened something in him, or casting directors finally figured out he looks way good with a full beard. His crew cut even works with his whole look, which is a miracle!!!! I think he should be contractually obligated to have a full beard in all of his future roles, but that’s just me.

4. Guy of Gisbourne in Robin Hood (2006) — 8.5/10

I honestly can’t believe I’m ranking Guy so far up here, but honestly, THIS RULES!!!!!! THIS FUCKS!!!!!!!!! Which is incredible due to Guy’s lack of beard, but I’m weirdly okay with it? Like sure, he looks like he’d probably call me a slur in front of his shitty friends, but he also looks like he could tenderly pound me into the mattress in a way that would have me questioning my commitment to the “no emotions” clause of our clandestine no-strings-attached sex agreement. Anyway. Guy of Gisbourne if you see this im free thursday night. please message me back if you’re free thursday night when i am fr

3. Angus in Macbeth (1999) — 8.5/10

HHHNGHGNHNGHGN HE’S SO HOT.....!!! HE’S SO HOT!!!!! Leather jacket!!! Scruff!! Dirt!!!! Flattering beret!!!!! He’s so hot, and the worst part about this is that this was filmed in NINETEEN NINETY NINE!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means we could have always had this, had stylists and makeup artists PLAYED TO HIS STRENGTHS!!!!! He’s so hot I’m getting legitimately angry. Without scruff and dirt this man is nothing. N o t h i n g.

2. John Proctor in The Crucible (2014) — 9/10

Look, I know I have a type. But... this guy is just so hot, Daniel Day Lewis please step aside!!!! Contemporary theater historians describe John Proctor as a “strong beast of a man,” and... hhhHHOOOGH HELL YEAH!!! HELL !!!! YEAH !!!!! Like, his dick got almost his entire Puritan village, including himself, accused of witchcraft and like, looking at this guy, I kind of get it. I would probably go to war over the raw animal beauty of this horrible dirty, greasy man. Sue me, I confess. I saw Goody Osburn with the devil.

1. Thorin II Oakenshield in The Hobbit Trilogy  — 9.5/10

Come on. You knew it was going to be this guy. Look at my icon for christ’s sake. I am completely biased, I cannot look at his pictures objectively. Anyway. Thank you so much for reading, this was a very stupid list.

[rigelmejo]

I don’t know if this extensive reading has helped but I FEEL like it has helped lol. When I started 小王子 how long was it taking a chapter? Just under 5 minutes per page right?

Well I know I got faster than that. Today my Internet was down so while waiting for things to restart and load and stuff I read like 5 chapters of the book. I read them out loud (just a handful of words I didn’t know how to say out loud). I was reading at slow but steady speaking speed so that’s still faster than 5 minutes a page. Ok I just timed myself to test it and I am taking 2 minutes to read a page, and I would guess 3 minutes if I slowed down to consider a bit more on the sayings/less familiar hanzi. That’s better then the 4.5-5 minutes I started at! So I must’ve picked up some words from this book. So I would say... yes a little extensive reading seems to be helping reading speed. Also! I have 16 pages to go! This story is so short. It is sweet and odd and so human though maybe that is why it’s remained loved like Alice in wonderland. (Fun fact I also read 2 chapters of Alice in wonderland in French this week and it is just as bizarre to me as when I watched the movie as a kid, But I do think in book form if I were 6-9 I would’ve related more since Alice’s POV in the story is pretty relatable... and when I was a kid and watched the movie I just did Not relate aha).

Anyway from 4.5 minutes to 2-3 is great!

What I did with graded readers/extensive reading this month, that I am hoping is why this helped:

Read graded reader (butterfly lovers, Pleco, 500 unique characters) - not hard but very satisfying to finish it and read it quickly when it used to take me 40 minutes to read a few Pleco pages of it). So that was a few thousand words comprehensible extensive reading.

Read another graded reader, chinese short stories. While I think it’s good as a study companion, a lot of very specific words which I tripped on (antique coins, being scammed). Which was fine I just think it was not the funnest reading material? It was mostly graded reader though I had to look up a couple handfuls of words.

Read a little of my 500 character Sinolingua reader (2 stories). Also read through the back of it which has all the words in the book, and the HSK 3 words included in the book - I knew all those words but it was a nice refresher. Mostly it was just nice to see how much easier these stories were to read compared to when I first got the book. (I would recommend these books as readers if you want something for adults and in short segments, the short stories are simplified prose from established authors, and the quality of storytelling can therefore be felt a bit. They feel more meaningful as short stories and therefore enjoyable if a bit basic (since they’ve been simplified). You can tell though compared to the Chinese Short Stories book above, which was probably written by a teacher/language textbook maker and not necessarily a literary writer.

Read mandarin companion journey to the center of the earth. 450 unique characters. Another easy read that felt really nice, compared to when I first read a mandarin companion book.

Started reading 小王子 on paper, so extensive reading with little word look up (I’ve looked up less than 10 words so far when reading on paper - notable words I looked up because it frustrated me I didn’t know them: 悲伤，惊奇，惊讶，匆匆，逐渐���观察，测试 a lot of these because I know I’ve seen these Hanzi before I just never remember specifically like 惊讶 惊奇 what the difference is or guan pronunciation 观察 or 测 I tend to forget when it’s not in 测试). I started reading it because it’s supposed to have around 2000 unique words (so not too many), and be pretty easy reading level (so a bit easier than 活着 which is the novel Chinese learners often get recommended). Basically, this was the extensive reading book choice step up from graded readers - it’s got a bit over 1000 unique hanzi, not an overwhelming amount of unique words, but it is not a graded reader so if it goes well I could jump to other stuff of similar or slightly less “ease” while still having it feel this “easy” to read (and hopefully take days to read instead of months).

Started reading 笑猫日记之会唱歌的猫 in Pleco, so clicking words I didn’t know (though this one only had a word or two a page unknown). I saw it recommended on a Chinese learners form as easy reading material after graded readers, and I agree! It’s very easy to read! I could understand it without clicking words but it is nice to understand fully since it’s convenient, and look up the pronunciation etc. I read 8 chapters so far. I also listened to a few chapters after reading, but idk if it helped at all.

15 ish chapters into 小王子 I found it online and reread 4 chapters with a click dictionary for unknown words. It was nice just clarifying the word pronunciations and fuzzy bits, also the online translation was different so seeing the difference on how they decided to word it (mostly just seeing synonyms used instead or different sayings for certain parts). I listened to a couple chapters audio afterwards, idk if it helped.

Unrelated, but I did listen read to 5 chapters of 默读 mainly following the Chinese text so, idk if that would’ve helped my overall reading at all (I want to say no but I did notice in general much more general gist comprehension of lines in MoDu then last time I read a couple months ago - although listening to the audio and being able to glance at the English for unknown words of course also makes things much more comprehensible that’s why listen reading method is the structure it is ahh).

Listened to some audio for 小王子 during work because I happened to find it, for chapters 1-4. Just playing in the background. I looked at the text while listening to one to match pronunciation to some words, since the chapter was like 5 minutes long in listening. Again interesting to see their word choice since It was yet another translation (I think I like my print books translation best).

Back to reading print 小王子 today and I think the audio beforehand did help me with being able to pronounce more of what I’m reading. Read like 4 chapters in one short break, another 3 chapters just now. While I don’t know how well the reading speed will translate to reading harder stuff like guardian (which was oddly also taking me 5 minutes a page? Why is that my default speed?), my reading speed doing extensive reading on “stuff mostly easy” to me has increased noticeably. (Fun fact when I read English technical text like psychology and physics books and educational etc I think my reading speed is it’s like 10-20 pages an hour... I do not read non fiction very fast).

So anyway, my goal with extensive reading easy material this month was to see if I could push UP what my starting base level “easy” material is.

What I used to do is practice with an “easier text” (which was still pretty hard for me tbh) and then once it got bearable (took 30-40 minutes to read instead of an hour), I’d switch to a harder material that took me 1-1.5 hours to read. Then when I’d burn out, I’d go back to that “easier” text until it got easier at 20-30 minutes to read. Then I might pick a harder base reading text (usually what used to be the hard one that would now take 30-40 minutes to read), and find something even harder. Lately that has been 寒舍 as my “easier” text, taking 20-30 minutes a full chapter (2 mini chapters), and 天涯客 as my harder text at 30-40ish minutes a chapter. And yes, at this point I could pick something harder but they’re both hard enough I was just sticking to them. You might notice none of these were actually easy for me though, my actual base easy materials were still graded readers, and manhua. So I want to push that upward until there’s some “easier” material below 寒舍 that I can be built up to and read easily Without a dictionary aid. So I can have a solid base that’s reliable. Hanshe is an “easier” practice material but it’s not necessarily something I can read extensively with ease. But if I keep pushing up the difficulty of what I can extensively read, bit by bit, I will eventually Get it to hanshe (or a little below it realistically but still firmly in regular-webnovel-exist at the reading level). I will not get faster at reading these hard things unless my base level of reading is both higher and already a reasonable speed. (I’m guessing anyway??).

Well happy to say this plan is working. I guess the advice articles I read were right somewhat. I knew graded readers could drag you from 0 beginner to some reading ability, since It’s what I originally did with Chinese (and even French sort of). But I was very quick about it because I’m impatient and easily bored by too-easy things apparently lol. I read 1 mandarin companion graded reader (the 300 word Sherlock Holmes one), a couple chapters of 2 other graded readers, then started on a random webnovel (the bl 他们的故事 which somehow thankfully is on the easier end for novels) and looked a lot of words up to get through. But I did not think to try to “match my reading level and increase gradually” in regular novels, even tho if it works for graded readers it probably works for regular stuff!

And in school in our native languages, that’s why our elementary schools had libraries, and we read books for our age group and the chapter books we read were much easier than what we read as teens or what adults read! I remember bunnicula and cat wings those were not hard but they were chapter stories. Then I remember Dracula and hg wells and mark Twain in high school and how they felt a bit Hard despite me being one of those kids rated at college reading level in 3rd grade. Now as a kid? I had the same tendencies I do now, so I’m not surprised I always jump in the deep end and Try to read hard stuff (and it must help since it’s part of why I got good at reading my native language, and definitely has helped my chinese and french). I would be like 7 and pick up a mitchner novel of My dad’s (is that the author of stuff like Alaska etc?) and I’d read a couple pages and feel drained trying to follow it and give up. Or the huge The Witching Hour by Anne Rice, or HG Wells History of the world, or the biography of benjamin Franklin, I never finished any of these or had any idea what they were about I just got curious and opened up a couple pages every now and then. Yet somehow that must’ve been part of why my reading level so early on was considered “good”? I’m guessing.

But I wasn’t actually good at reading in the sense of doing it often or fast until my dad started reading to me at like age 8-9 I think it was Harry Potter which at the time worked out since the books got harder each time, and also my dad reads out loud slow just like he tutors slow lol so eventually I read myself so he’d stop boring me (I love him and loved the bonding time I’m sure but truly i just apparently always liked jumping in the deep end). Eventually his strategy Im guessing to get me to read slightly harder stuff each time worked, because by books 4-5 I read each in 2 days. He was so impressed because before that I couldn’t read long books and not fast, and that’s when he thought I got good at reading. Looking back lol it’s actually so funny? How much work he had to do to get me to read and how what ended up working I still sort of do now. He started me on Hop on Pop as a kid as my first book cause One Fish Two Fish bored me and I thought jumping on a dad was funny, and he did that just to do something to get me to pick up a book lol. Then he got me that digital book toy they had back then where you had a real book but it was in a digital holder and if you clicked words with the pen it read them out loud. Literally how I learn Chinese now... he really got me digital equivalent to graded readers back then ToT. And just like as a kid I still pick up stuff way beyond my level and just read a couple pages at random. It’s just. Kind of funny to me how much I didn’t really change that much after all ToT

BACK ON THE TOPIC OF APRIL PROGRESS lol ok. I listened to Guardian ep 1 today just in the background so no subs etc and I was Floored by how much I completely understood. I’ve been listening to SpoonFed chinese again (15 audios listened to this month), but I’m floored if it made a difference?! Since I was mostly listening in the background not focusing and missing some stuff. Idk if it made a difference, or listening reading method just that 1.5 hours I did this month or what. Or if my listening skills have been this decent I just don’t test them since I usually watch shows with hard Chinese subs (and read the subs), or watch shows with English subs. So like. Anyway mejo back in what was it august 2019 when I started studying? Would be so happy. Back when I started watching guardian and only knew ni hao and xie xie and zai jian.

Also I can’t even remember now if I did extensive reading guardian (after reading the English translation), this month too or just last month. But I’m sure that helped and I should test general reading sometime of a priest novel. Like.. literally what kicked off the “I should extensive read more” this month is me Desperately wanting to kick up my reading speed after the horrific 25 page guardian chapter I read that took like 1.5 hours.

[m39]

History of the Creed - Part 4.5: The Tyranny of King Washington

The Tyranny of King Washington is an interesting case of an expansion (yes, I call all three episodes combined an expansion). While there were mission packs in two previous games, this one might be the first one on such a scale. I might be over-exaggerating what I’ve said but still, there are over 20 main memories in all of the episodes combined.

Okay, I think that’s enough of rambling. Let’s get to the review.

THE TYRANNY OF KING WASHINGTON (The original PC release in Europe: February 20th (Infamy), March 20th (Betrayal), and April 23rd (Redemption), 2013)

The version I played was, again, the remastered version released on March 29th, 2019.

STORY

Sometime after the events of the main game, Connor suddenly wakes up in the alternative timeline, where George Washington found the Apple of Eden, which made him go mad with power and take the title of King Washington. So now it’s up to Connor, now having the powers of spirit animals, to stop the Mad King himself.

So the story is more bonkers than the main game, and that says a lot since we are talking about Assassin’s Creed. Overall I enjoyed it. It’s probably slightly better than the base game’s plot. I like how the expansion is a Mohawk powerhouse experience in the nutshell.

CHARACTERS

I think Connor is also slightly better here than in the base game. Not only does he have to experience the trauma of losing everything he loves again but it’s also implied that with each sky journey he takes, he becomes more hungry for power, showing that he’s closer to the grey area than what we saw in the base game.

As for the secondary characters, it’s mostly positive. Giving Ben Franklin a bigger role than in the base was definitely a good idea. Thomas Jefferson finally shows up – sure, he only appears in the last episode and he doesn’t exactly show much of a character but still, it’s good that he finally appears. The cameos of some of the Homestead community was cute. On the other hand, some of the characters are here just to die like these two native guys in episode 1.

Since George Washington is now our main bad guy, the question is: Does he do a good job at it? Well… it looks like he is. He nicely changes his moods from ravaging dog, to calm, even though he mostly stays in the former mood type. Also, having Israel Putman on the side of the bad guys was a very good choice due to his voice actor.

GAMEPLAY

I said earlier about how Connor has new powers based on the spirit animals. Throughout all of the episodes, you earn 4 new powers to tremendously help you. In episode 1, you get the Wolf Cloak and Wolf Pack. The former one makes you invisible, while the latter one summons three wolves that one-hit-kill their targets. The second episode has the Eagle Flight, allowing you to quickly move through the terrain. The last episode gives you the Bear Might, a powerful shockwave that can kill everyone close to Connor.

All of these abilities are very good but I was mostly using three first of them (especially Eagle Flight). The Bear Might has a chance to also kill civilians and that’s the reason why it’s not as much used by me like the rest.

ACTIVITIES

In this expansion, there are three side activities to do. The first one is helping the civilians – giving them food, freeing them from convoys, etc. This can be kinda’ annoying since you will eventually have to run around like a madman if you want to complete them all.

Chests are back and there are two types of them: Small ones that have ammo in them, and the big, locked ones, that while they function the same as the small ones, they can have an upgrade to your arsenal or a new weapon. If you want to, big chests are only worth your time. Open the small ones only if you lack ammunition, and even then, I think it would be faster to just loot the guards’ bodies.

The last type of side activities is finding the Lucid Memory Fragments. There are three of these per episode and the best way to find them is to go after the bigger chests. Once you collected them, there is an award for you somewhere on the map. I’m not going to tell you what it is, but let me tell you – it’s really worth it.

STABILITY

In the case of bugs, I was lucky to not bump into the game-breaking ones. There were although two that were noticeable for me. The first one was when I was trying to open the cages from the convoy but I couldn’t because the place where you are supposed to open them moved away dozens of meters from it. It happened twice to me. The second bug was when a bunch of wild hares came in unison to the Bostonian fort while I was trying to steal the captain’s horse.

There was however one really nasty bug that I’ve heard about. In episode 1, if you do any side activity, or even activate it, you will make the last mission of this episode unbeatable, and the only way to fix it is to start the entire episode again or, in a worse case, reinstall the entire game. Because of this reason, I didn’t go after anything in episode 1 and I want you to do the main missions only run if it’s the first time you are playing it.

SUMMARY

The Tyranny of King Washington is a very good expansion to Assassin’s Creed 3. It extends the character of Connor while giving him animal powers and fighting Washington himself. Honestly, I won’t be surprised if you will find this more enjoyable than the base game.

I could have said more about this but the rest of the stuff is basically the same as it was in the base game. Same combat, same parkour mechanics, same graphics, same sound effects, etc.

However, before we will move on to Black Flag, there is one game in the series that I haven’t played, that was only on PS Vita before.

See you next time.

Bye!

[baddyzarc]

4b/7 Ruins: Legend of the Dragons

1 2 3 4a x 5 6 7  

Part 2 of Mizael’s Ruins

Alright, I’m going to get into some deep lore in regards to the Zexal Universe and how Jinlon and Mizael and even Kaito fit into it.

To begin, the Universe was created by the Numeron Dragon eons ago. By doing this, the dragon used all of its power and will die as a result. Sad that it will never be able to witness its creation grow (which, you aint missing much, buddy), it shedded a single tear. This teardrop contained the Numeron Code, or the dragon’s knowledge, emotions, and the ability to rewrite the Universe. The Numeron Code landed on Earth. In the Zexal Universe, this was the event that created the Moon, which is also where the remaining fragments of the Numeron Dragon (in the form of “Number 100: Numeron Dragon’’) reside. Fearing that it’s powers would be used for evil, the Numeron Dragon hid the Code and placed a key on it.

According to Astral, the location of the Numeron Code is revealed when Numbers 1 to Numbers 100 is collected because of how it relates to his memory. But this causes some problems when it comes to the plot, but I’ll explain that later.

To awaken the sealed Numeron Dragon and obtain “Number 100″, the Numeron Dragon embedded a riddle into a stone tablet that Kaito found in the cave near Mizael’s ruins:

“Dragons of light and time, clash at thy place of birth. Then shall the eyes of the galaxies awaken for the first time, opening a gate to a new world.”

This riddle is rather straight-forward especially with the imagery used. The time dragon is “Number 107: Galaxy-Eyes Tachyon Dragon” and the light dragon is “Number 62: Galaxy-Eyes Prime Photon Dragon”. The place where they clash is the Moon (this is given to us via Jinlon), and the “eyes of the galaxies” is not the eyes of the Galaxy-Eyes Dragons, but of the Numeron Dragon itself.

By fulfilling the conditions of the riddle, the Numeron Dragon is able to reawaken for a brief moment to fix whatever shit its children got themselves into “open the gates to a new world”. I take that this means it grants the usage of the Numeron Code upon the winner. 

But the phrase that interests me is “clash at thy place of birth”. 

Now, this states that Tachyon Dragon and Photon Dragon were created on the surface of the Moon and they need to fight to awaken the Numeron Dragon. This may seem like an odd choice because we’re under the presumption that Tachyon Dragon was made by Don Thousand or that the Number Cards (including “Number 62: Galaxy-Eyes Prime Photon Dragon”) were made by Astral when his memories scattered. 

But I think you have to consider how the Moon was made in this show, what the dragons represent, and what the Numbers are.

Okay, to keep it simple, in real life 4.5 billion years ago, a huge rock crashed into Earth, pushing a bunch of debris into space. The debris conglomerate together over time to form the Moon; as such, the Moon is primarily made of Earthly materials. This is slightly different from Zexal’s story, with the Numeron Dragon’s teardrop playing the role of the huge rock. The outcome is more or less the same.

Alright, so from here, we can start to theorize about Photon Dragon and Tachyon Dragon’s relationship to the Moon, and how Dragluon plays into this. After all, Dragluon is one of the dragons of the stone tablet despite not having a place in the riddle.  

So what is the role of Dragloun exactly? And how did the Numeron Dragon anticipate the fight between the Barians and the Astrals (aside from being an omni-force). 

For starters, Dragluon goes all the way back to the “three worlds” that Zexal has.

The Three Worlds of Zexal is sorta like Heaven, Hell, and Earth. Heaven for Astral World, Hell for Barian World, and then Earth as the, well, the Earth. The land of the living where your actions decide your fate. 

However, from Don Thousand, we know that the Heaven and Hell bits aren’t true. Not exactly, but Barian World and Astral World appear to function like it. The actual descriptions for Astral and Barian World is a little simpler than Heaven and Hell.

Order and Disorder, Cosmos and Chaos, these are the true depictions of Astral and Barian World rather than Heaven and Hell (although it does have a very nice ring to it). And at the center of things is the middle man, a balance of both—Earth. You can’t have two sides of a coin without the edge, and the Earth is the glue connecting the opposing sides. And for the sake of simplifying this, I’m going to call the “power” of Earth as Parity. 

Parity is what happens when Chaos and Cosmos meet. This could be most easily seen in the Zexal Morphs, which are a combination of Astral, a creature of the Cosmos, and Yuma, who is confirmed to be a fragment of Don Thousand, of Chaos. Blues and Reds respectively.

I also want to note that the three primary colors are often associated with heroes, while secondary colors are often associated with villains (these are trends, not a concrete black-and-white concept). 

When Astral and Yuma work together, they glow the last and primary color, yellow, for their Zexal Morphs. But when they are in disequilibrium, they glow the secondary color purple (also the color you make when you mix red and blue). This shows that there could be a distinct relationship between how Chaos and Cosmos interact each other: the outcome could be very good and improves upon the characteristics of each. Or it could lead to relentless self-destruction.  

Of course, sometimes a door is red because it’s just red. Nasch’s main color is purple and Don Thousand’s final form has a yellowish glow, so perhaps all these colors have zero correlation to the characters at all. These are just some observations I made when it comes to depicting each world with their respective colors.

But this may be what the Numeron Dragon meant when it was afraid that the Numeron Code could fall into the wrong hands. Not Barians or Astrals specifically, but the people of the Cosmos or people of Chaos abusing the Code’s powers to wipe each other out. This is exactly what Eliphas wanted to do because he saw Chaos as impure and limiting as well as Don Thousand for about the same reason.

To prevent this travesty, the Numeron Dragon sealed the Numeron Code away with the final key to it being itself, or “Number 100: Numeron Dragon”.

“Thy place of birth” may not mean that the dragons were literally born on the surface of the Moon, but it may mean that the impact that made the Moon also led to the creation of Chaos and Cosmos and Parity. By extension, this is where the dragons were truly born. Think of it as a stardust type of thing. Yeah, we humans are born on Earth probably by another human, but our atoms and molecules and elements? Those were made up in space. Tachyon Dragon was made by Don Thousand, but the Chaos he used to forge Tachyon Dragon was made on the Moon.

But onto the Numbers since all the dragons are Numbers and they get complicated so bear with me.

Okey, disclaimer and anyone is welcome to challenge my stance on what exactly Numbers are because they are absolutely limitless. We have Astral’s memory Numbers, Over-Hundred Numbers, those bug Barians Numbers, Imaginary Numbers, Mythyrian Numbers, Chaos Numbers made by Shark, Yuma, the Arclights, maybe Number XX yeah that guy remember him,,, 

and the only explanation we get for them is that they amplify emotions and take on the form of the beholder’s desires. At least, the first 100 Numbers do. Anyways please do, I like reading interpretations on what these things are. 

So I’m going to try to explain how I see it. 

My first statement is that Numbers are not a direct product of the Astrals ot Astral. My guess is that Numbers are a general manifestation of power made with either Chaos, Cosmos, or Parity. The Original 100 (aka Astral’s Memory Numbers) is made by the Numeron Dragon, as opposed to the ones made Don Thousand, for example. This explains why the Numeron Dragon is “Number 100”. If it is included as one of Astral’s memories, it’s kinda blasphemous ngl. 

My conclusion came from a certain flaw in the show’s logic (which is fine bc its yugioh but im trying to knot things together here). The show states that Astral knows where the Numeron Code is, so when his memories got scattered, the location scattered with it in the form of the Numbers. However, it is never stated how Astral knows its location. Like, who told him that? Eliphas? The only creature that should know is the Numeron Dragon, and it’s dead. A possible explanation is that the Numeron Dragon placed the coordinates of the Numeron Code in the first 100 Numbers, and since Astral had the Numbers, he knew where it was. 

But yet, why are the Numbers so dangerous if they were made by a benevolent God? They’re made by a God, for starters. They’re supposed to be ultra powerful and unfit for mortal hands. 

And if the Numbers lead to the Numeron Code, it may be that the Numeron Dragon didn’t want someone who couldn’t handle the 100 Numbers to be handling the all-powerful source code. 

We also know that the Numbers tend to absorb a handful of stuff. The Mythyrian Numbers took in the Guardians and “Number 96: Black Mist” had a piece of Don Thousand stuck on it. It is likely that the Numbers absorbed Astral’s memories, so when they scattered, they took his memories with them rather than the other way around.

Furthermore, Astral’s Airship is kinda of an enigma. Like, what is it? Who built it? Why can it do things like store all 100 Numbers as well as track down certain Numbers. If the Numbers are just Astral’s memories, how are they able to fit into the slots on the Airship, which isn’t part of Astral memories?

To go along with the Numbers being separate from Astral, it’s easy to say the Astral World built the Airship to harness the Numbers’ powers and knowledge. So it is likely that the mechanism behind the Airship was how Astral was going to find Numeron Code.

But simply put, Astral World probably collected most of the first 100 Numbers before the Barians did, created Astral and the Airship using the Numbers with the goal of fighting Don Thousand or going to Earth to find the Numeron Code so they could wipe out Barian World. Kinda like Silvally but he kills Barians. His original battle with Don Thousand and Kazuma’s meddling caused Astral to lose all the Number Cards he had (and since his only purpose and identity is tied to the Numbers, he lost all of his memories as well), allowing the Barians to scramble in to try to collect them before the Astrals can. This is why some Numbers were in the hands of the Barians, like “Numbers 80: Madness-Draped Supreme King - Rhapsody in Berserk” and “Numbers 58: Flame Pressure Demon - Burner Visor”

The Number Cards do not belong to either party; it just happened that Astral World managed to get them and use their powers first. This becomes important when we talk about Jinlon later.

The biggest plot hole that I can pick up is because of “Number 100: Numeron Dragon”. Astral definitely should not have that one. Astral might’ve gotten 99 at the very most, then lost the Mythyrians, Numeron Gates, and some other cards to Don Thousand, then the rest when he crashed into Yuma. 

It is possible that he never had all 100 Numbers, but who knows.

But back to the dragons:

“Number 100: Numeron Dragon″ can only be obtained when the “dragons of light and time clash” fight each other on the Moon. 

Mizael said that since the condition requires a Barian (or a Chaos) dragon, then the Numeron Code belongs to the Barians. 

And he’s about half right. The condition does requires a Chaos dragon, but I say that it also requires a Cosmos dragon and a Parity Dragon as well.

Cosmos and Chaos took shape in the form of Photon Dragon and Tachyon Dragon. Tachyon Dragon is obviously a creature born from the powers of Chaos while Photon Dragon is harder to pick up, but it is directly stated that it uses the power of the Astrals, or Cosmos.

And why as dragons? Ehh The Numeron Dragon is a dragon, and what better way than to battle in the image of the Creator. (also dragons are sick af)

The most peculiar concept is that the last Number can only be accessed when the Cosmos and Chaos are actively fighting against each other, and it’s strange to think that the Numeron Dragon would set up the situation where the strongest object in the Universe can only be achieved through war. 

But this is exactly where Dragluon, Jinlon, and Parity fit into this legend.

Dragluon (and Jinlon by association) are the representatives for Parity. 

Dragluon is often represented with the yellow colors of Earth in a similar manner of base-form Photon Dragon using the blues of Astral World or base-form Tachyon Dragon using the reds of Barian World. These are the three dragons representing the Three Worlds.

Unlike the other two, Jinlon/Dragluon is like a neutral observer. He is the balance sitting between Kaito and Mizael to watch the battle unfold and judge it.

It isn’t a coincidence that Dragluon is one of the dragons required to awaken the powers of the Numeron Dragon. If the dragon representing the balance between the two other worlds was not present to witness the battle, it is unlikely that the last Number would reveal itself, thus locking access to the key and Numeron Code. 

Also, the Moon itself is composed mainly of Earthly materials. Since the Earth is represented as Parity, the Moon is a neutral ground for the clash between Chaos and Cosmos. It does not favor the victory of one or the other (Jinlon got involved in the duel to awaken Mizael’s true memories, but other than that, he did not interrupt the flow of the duel between the Galaxy-Eyes. Mizael’s resolve as a Barian Emperor did not change with this encounter). 

Although situational, the presence of Parity also explains certain phenomenons that occurrs in areas where it’s presence is the strongest, particularly at Mizael’s ruins/Dragluon’s home and the Moon. Astral’s ship stopped working, Orbital 7 (whose energy supply runs on Barianite) couldn’t function properly, and Mizael cannot tap into his Barian powers.

The Moon appears to have the same effect on the characters until they enter the battle-zone, where the clashing parties are allowed to fight. Parity neutralizes the effects of Cosmos and Chaos. 

As to why Jinlon ascended into the role as the Mythyrian Number and the representative for Parity, I have a small theory for that.��

Jinlon is a divine dragon who is much older than the show made him out to be. I reckon that he was one of the first life made by the Numeron Dragon (image of god, you know) and he stated that he witnessed the original battle between Astral and Don Thousand. 

His choice of wording here is telling. He shows obvious disdain towards the war on both sides, and I think this intensified after his encounter with Mizael. 

Going back to the origins of Mizael, I want to talk about the colors of the Three Worlds once more. Now, I truly do not know if this is intentional, but the flashback to Mizael’s childhood has heavy usage of the blue, red, and yellow color palette.    

When Mizael fled from the massacred village, the village lighted up due to the flames burning his home to the ground down while the surrounding sand was blue due to the darkness of the night. In this sense, Mizael is running from the source of his anger and sadness into freedom and safety, or from disorder to order. But the deeper he went in, the desert proved to not be the safe place he desired. The desert shifted between the intense Barian reds and Astral blues as Mizael transversed the landscape. 

And Mizael was dying during these scenes. It’s almost as though he’s being persuaded into two worlds; either ascend with grief to become a Barian, or let it all go to become an Astral. 

It was Jinlon who came to save Mizael. Like, I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot, but Jinlon appeared to Mizael with the colors of Parity. He engulfed Mizael in it and prevented him from entering either of the worlds too soon. Jinlon is a being who exists outside of Barian and Astral World’s conflicts. 

This is why he became Dragluon. Jinlon is already a creature of Parity with or without his association to Dragluon, and thus his death and closeness to the Mythyrian Number + Mizael resulted in his attachment to “Number 46: Ethereal Dragon Dragluon”, the ultimate dragon representing Parity. 

To that whole bit with the Astral’s Numbers, this is why Dragluon being made from Astral’s memories, as well as the other stuff I stated, doesn’t make much sense. (Maybe without the meddling of Don Thousand, instead of becoming an Astral when he died, Mizael may have shared a fate similar to Jinlon and been reborn as a creature of Parity given how often he is associated with the yellow colors. Maybe, just thinking).

As a neutral force, Jinlon leads the dragon-tamers down what they think is the correct path for the future. 

Aside from being convenient to the plot, Jinlon spends time with Kaito and Mizael. And likewise, Mizael and Kaito are characters who tether dangerously close to the line between Cosmos and Chaos. Kaito starts off as a heartless, cold killer, after all, and Mizael is strange for an antagonist; even going as far as fighting Don Thousand, the actual villain of the show (but most of the barians are like this for a reason that I’ll explain once I get to Vector). Although Mizael is massively arrogant and despises humans, he also commended the Arclights for sacrificing themselves, and he puts his true heart and loyalty out for the Barians. To add onto this, after acquiring his true memories, Mizael is adamant that he is still a creature of Chaos, and so he fights for Barian World despite his past leading him to be an Astral.

Yes, this isn’t a single case either. Alito was the first to recognize his past as a true Astral, yet he continues to fight for Barian World. Nasch is the strongest case for this, as he willingly chose to be a Barian. Chaos is not synonymous with evil. 

But back to Mizael. Mizael is someone who is dead-set on being a Barian no matter the circumstance. He fights for Barian World from what he knows of that world. He knows that his people aren’t evil (look, Barian World got Iris, alright) and he knows that Barian World is where his cherished allies and companions live. He lived as a Barian Emperor for possibly thousands of years. His commitment and love for dragons is also his most commendable trait. Mizael is a man who puts his trust in dragons, good or bad. Despite being a creature of Chaos, he also bears certain Cosmos traits. 

The same could be said for Kaito too. Kaito is supposed to be of the Cosmos as indicated by his usage of Prime Photon Dragon, yet his passion is much weaker than Mizael. Bluntly put, Kaito is selfish. The show states this. He uses Photon Dragon not out of respect for dragons but because it ended up being the easiest path to save Haruto and Dr. Faker. He lacks the heart that would make him a true Astral. 

The characters change. 

Mizael sheds a tear for an enemy, a repulsive human of all things, and Kaito wants them to meet again one day not as enemies but as friends. 

They represent both worlds, but they can meet in the middle too.

This nuisance is why I think Jinlon exists as the creature guiding them towards this fight. He brings out the Parity between Cosmos and Chaos. He not only finds two souls that represent both worlds, but also how both worlds can intermix. 

And hey, Kaito won the Moon Duel, essentially winning the future for Astral World. But it was Mizael who made it out alive. In a way, there was no true winner of the Moon Duel.

I wanna get back to this image right here.  

I could talk about how Tachyon Dragon is based on tachyon particles, which are hypothetical particles faster than light, and how Photon Dragon represents light through photon particles, or how Dragluon is based off of gluons, the elementary exchange particles that are essential for the force binding neutrons and protons together, the atoms that make matter and life possible.

But you know um. I’m actually not that smart and am not qualified to talk about those relationships.

Yet, I think it’s telling that the three dragons representing the Three Worlds emit a yellow glow as they awaken the Numeron Dragon.

When the Numeron Dragon made the Universe and the Numeron Code, it did not want a clash between Cosmos and Chaos to see who deserves to survive. It didn’t want its creations to destroy each other. It wanted them to clash on the Moon so they can prove that despite the war, despite the hatred, despite the meddling, both sides are capable of finding Parity, that peace is possible between them, that Kaito and Mizael can meet eye-to-eye and sympathize with each other.  The dragons were no longer fighting as Cosmos or Chaos but as Parity.

The Numeron Dragon will only grant access to the Numeron Code to the persons that are worthy of it. In the end, Mizael and Kaito were both worthy of obtaining “Number 100: Numeron Dragon” because they proved themselves as people capable of Parity. 

Call me a dreamer, but I think that’s why the final fight belongs to the characters that represent the Three Worlds. Nasch of the Barians, Kaito who wields the power of the Astrals, and not Yuma or Astral but Zexal III, the strongest combination of Chaos and Cosmos. 

These three worlds are able to work together to defeat Don Thousand, a person who would’ve used the Numeron Code for only destruction and personal gain. 

Kaito and Zexal III (although I’m not sure if this is different from Yuma and Astral as individuals, ceremonial duel and all) is explanatory in their stance on Parity, but Nasch is the outlier since he would’ve used the Numeron Code to destroy Astral World, or maybe he has some other motive if he had won the duel. Nasch saw the destruction of Astral World as a necessary evil for the survival of Barian World, but he also seemed okay with losing. It’s possible that he might’ve found a different way for all worlds to coexist had he won. So does the duel with Nasch afterwards ruin the duel with Don Thousand? Who knows. That depends on what value you see from that duel. 

(And not to get into a rant, but part of me wished the final boss was a Dark-Zexal-esque Morph between Eliphas and Don Thousand, the corrupted combination of two Gods with selfish intents fighting against Nasch, Zexal III, and Kaito. Like mmmm) 

I derailed quite a bit from talking about Jinlon and Mizael and the Ruins, but I find it so fascinating how much these two characters reveal about the world of Zexal.