#This isn’t emo I’m not getting emo. I’m not reading this right now I am on autodrive

[shankschewtoy]

Sorry if I bother you or send you something a bit suck but I wanted to know if it was possible to you to do a hcs (or other forma, it doesn’t matter) with shanks and mihawk with a s/o who can copying everything (Haki, Mouvement, Physic, Devil power fruit, Everything) thanks to a rare Devil fruit..? Than you if you make it and sorry if it’s not corespondent to your blog or rules. 🐙

a/n - watch shanks fall in love with himself 💀 I added Law bec why not 💜

Warnings ⚠️ - g/n reader, s/o has copy copy no mi (copy fruit)

- At first, he thought this was some twisted nightmare where he met himself… “Oh god. It’s me.” He was so disgusted 😭 he was also so embarrassed whenever you copied his abilities, hearing you say “room” and “shambles” made him reconsider what he named his techniques. 💀

- “Room…” -law “SHAMBLES!” -you

- “excuse me y/n. It’s my attack.” Man was offended, you literally interrupted him lmfao 😂 he was all like: bitch don’t take away my spotlight it’s the only thing I have

- “But it’s cool when I get to say it!” He also hates the way his voice sounds now because of this. Overall, he’s very embarrassed of himself, so as a result, you do not use your ability around him much. BUT- he does appreciate it when the marines start targeting you instead of him 🤭

- “LAW. HELP!”

- “Huh? I’m not Law wdym?”

- “YOU EMO MOTHERFU- I WILL THROW AWAY YOUR GERMA 66 FIGURES.”

- “NO-!”

- (ahem, I will calm down)

- enjoys it but also REALLY hates it at the same time. Perona gets you two confused all the time, she’ll ask you where Mihawk’s wallet is and you have to remind her of your abilities. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN YOU BOTH LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME?!”

- “Scars on the back are a swordsman’s shame!” You said, holding Mihawk’s sword in front of a pirate who had tried to take over the island. Your physique and features were perfect, an amazing copy of Dracule Mihawk himself

- “Y/n, I do not say that. The young roronoa says that. If you do something, get it right.” He said, sipping his wine while reading a newspaper under his umbrella. You glared at the man, turning back into your normal self before shoving the pirate off the island with ease

- “Can you at least admit that I am literally a perfect copy of you-?”

- “No, because you’re not.”

- “Why are you so difficult?”

- “Why are you so talented in things that do not matter?”

- “…You think I’m talented? 😖🥹”

- shanks absolutely adores the fact that yo have this ability. It makes for amazing party tricks! Turn into Uta and sing a beautiful song? Easy. Turn into Rayleigh so you can scold him? Hell yeah.

- you turned into him one day, and he was impressed. With himself 💀 “Damn- I look good!” -_- You had enough of him looking at you and complimenting HIS looks. So you turned into Rayleigh, and that my friend, is how you get your red haired man to shut the fuck up.

- “Shanks, do the dishes before I punch you.”

- “Yes sir.”

- man is deathly afraid of Rayleigh’s punch- 🤪 so everytime he starts fo be rude in any way, you turn into Rayleigh, it always works! Except turning into the dark king isn’t exactly great for camouflage against marines.

- they ended up seeing you and chasing you around since you looked like Rayleigh. “I’m not Rayleigh! I’m y/n l/n of the red haired pirates!” They stopped in their tracks, “Y/N L/N! THE LEGENDARY PIRATE?! GET THEM!” That plan of yours severely backfired, they ended up calling reinforcements.

- “Rayleigh you need some help down there?” Shanks asked with the literal most smug grin on his face. You got the best idea, while the marines were confused, you turned into a random soldier to blend in. They then caught sight of shanks and started going after him instead. Man did not think to argue with you ever again.

- “Baby I’m sorry 😭 please don’t ignore me I need love.”

don’t give him hugs

a/n - I loved this idea sm 🤭

[littleperilstories]

The Prince of Thieves: I Think I Need a Sunrise, I'm Tired of the Sunset

Mood Boards | Chapter Titles | Also on A03! | Playlist | Story Intro

Warnings: Angst, self-doubt

If you want even MORE angst for this chapter, consider playing Playlist Roulette for some emo vibes:

[possible spoilers] Song 1 / Song 2 / Song 3 / Song 4 / Song 5

Previous | Masterlist | Next

Word count: 1739 || Approx reading time: 7 mins

I Think I Need a Sunrise, I'm Tired of the Sunset

Teaser: Out there, leaking through those gaps in the curtain, is the sun, the world, the life I thought I might never get to see. A life I’m only just lucky enough to be facing now. I want to be thrilled, I want to feel safe, I want to be grateful. One thought, however, beats me black and blue from the inside.

Bree

When Spider—no, her name is Colette, what a beautiful name—disappears, I leave Jamie to talk with Allan, who is skittish now about a million different things. About making the musket wound worse; about the constables coming after him, too; about the fact that he inadvertently joined a gang in his act of betrayal against Bulwell, Hatchett, Michaelson, and the rest; and probably about more stealthy intruders sneaking in through his window to threaten him with a knife.

I suppose I can’t blame him.

Silently, I leave them to argue about whether Jamie should take whatever tincture Allan gave him earlier, something to dull his senses and ease his pain. Jamie is staunchly trying to refuse it, insisting he doesn’t want to be unconscious or out of it when he and Will are reunited. So far, he is winning that dispute, but Allan seems confident he will prevail in the end—once Jamie actually tries to move and fully understands what it feels like to pull on the musket wound. I hope Allan does get his way, because every time I look at Jamie, I cringe, remembering what I said and wondering why I decided to say it, and every time he looks at me, I can’t imagine his thoughts are very charitable.

Trying to forget for a just a few moments how exhausted—and embarrassed—I am, I curl up by the front window, relishing the sliver of light that peeks through Allan’s drawn curtains. The rain, it seems, has stopped now, and some tenacious streak of sunlight has managed to break through the earlier clouds. The gentle light is comforting, but not enough to calm me. To caln the frantic fluttering of my heart and the churning of my stomach and the boiling in my chest at the thought of what comes next.

Reunited. Altogether. Off to Colette’s family home, to the others, to Will.

The curtains are old, tattered at the bottom and moth-eaten throughout. The longer I sit there, trying to even my breath, I find more ragged holes letting in the fading light. I count them—One. Two. Three. On and on.

Out there, leaking through those gaps in the curtain, is the sun, the world, the life I thought I might never get to see. A life I’m only just lucky enough to be facing now. I want to be thrilled, I want to feel safe, I want to be grateful. One thought, however, beats me black and blue from the inside.

I don’t belong here.

It’s true, isn’t it? When Jamie, Colette, Geoff, and I were united with the common goal of getting Will out of prison, our alliance made perfect sense. Their family was torn apart, and I was able—I wanted—to help in reuniting them.

Now, in a few short hours—if that—their family will be stitched back together; perhaps the threads are a little frayed, perhaps some repairing needs to be done, but they’ll be whole again.

They don’t need me anymore, and more than that, why would they want me? I am the one who just tried to pick a fight with a wounded man, hours after he almost died, over something that didn’t even have to do with me. I am the one who brought Hatchett right to that cabin in the woods and nearly ruined things for everyone. I am the one who gave Hatchett the bit of information he needed to see through Will’s lies.

Jamie needed me to get Will, then Will needed me to get Jamie, and now Colette will bring them together, and perhaps it’s best for everyone that my presence is no longer needed at all.

Of course, I heard what she said—that Allan and I should both go as well. Never mind that it was an afterthought, something blurted out after she barely even looked at me. It’s more than that. Something about the very idea threatens to splinter me into pieces.

Throwing myself upon the mercy of these strangers—the thought makes my skin crawl. For so long I just had myself; I didn’t need to rely on the charity of others. If I go with Colette, though, I will owe her for her kindness, when I’ve only just repaid Will and Jamie for saving me. I’m not sure I want another debt hanging over my head.

It’s mostly that single prickling thought, though: there’s no real reason for me to stay. Whether I’m here or not, their lives will heal. Go back to the way they were before Will was caught. For them, each new day will dawn kinder and gentler and happier than the one before, until the darkness of our time in prison is nothing more than a tragic memory.

To know that I was only ever a side character in the story of these brothers, to accept that Baden Hatchett’s words are once again true—You aren’t important to them, either—threatens to leave a hole in my heart.

—

Not long after my father died, a few days at most, when he was cold and buried and finally, finally, out of my life, a man named Baden returned to keep his word—a promise that had been made long ago, when things were different. When my family still had money. When I was still a respectable girl. He looked at me with distaste, but at the time, at least, he was willing to hold himself to the agreement he’d made.

“We’ll wed next week,” he said. “You will come with me.”

Next week? I had just escaped from under Father’s thumb; now here was Baden Hatchett, ready to crush me beneath his.

“I’d rather wait,” I said. “It’s too fast. Too early. I…”

He scoffed. “That isn’t for you to decide.”

“What do you mean, it’s not for me to decide? How—”

Even now, I can still hear some of what he said in answer. How dare you argue with me? Don’t you know your place? You think you have any say in this? You know I’m doing you a favour, right? You understand that? You’re the one who needs me. I don’t need you.

Only once did he touch me after my father’s death—just a hand wrapped around my arm as he ordered me out of the shabby apartment where Father had died and into his home. That grip, the first shackle he ever locked me into—it was a message, a reminder that I was his and would remain so until I was dead. Later, upon my skin, I found bruises in the shape of fingerprints, purple and throbbing.

It was nothing less than hatred that fuelled every step that night when I crept from the house, never to return. I slid along the floor in stocking feet, terrified of every floorboard and how it creaked, the bolt and how it scraped, my breath and how it gasped loud enough to fill the air, my heart and how it pounded in my chest, threatening to shake his home to rubble.

Perhaps it was luck, perhaps fate, perhaps a goddamn miracle. He heard nothing. He slept through my escape, and I made it outside. It was out of spite as much as precaution that I left the front door wide open, an invitation for moths and spiders and rats, for some other unfortunate creature to invade his house and take my place as some spineless, obedient thing that he could squash beneath his boot.

Today, however…

It isn’t hate, I think, that fuels this escape. In fact, it is perhaps something quite the opposite.

James Wardrew falls asleep while he waits, senses dulled and pain softened in the wake of the doctor’s victory, and Allan Armstrong Dale busies himself with choosing which possessions he wishes to bring into his new life as an outlaw—as he now wryly calls himself. While they are both distracted, I pinch a pen and some paper from Allan’s desk. He’s got an odd assortment of things strewn across its disorderly surface: coins and sheets of music and buttons and other bits, too, that might be of some value, at least. Surely things he will not miss.

My cruel, wicked imagination whispers things to ink onto the page. I should free these sentiments today, it murmurs, so I can live my life without the stinging regret of things unsaid. If I immortalize my thoughts on this page, if I say what’s in my heart, Will Wardrew might look back at them and remember me without disgust or hurt or betrayal. At the very least, maybe he will remember me with a sense of peace.

Maybe he will remember me as I will remember him.

It whispers to me that I should tell him he was the only thing that made my prison cell bearable. Tell him, it murmurs, how you fear Hatchett will never give up. Tell him that you don’t want another constable to lay hands on him ever again.

Tell him, it hisses. That I don’t want him to have to look at my face and remember every moment of suffering he went through with me. Because of me.

That I wish him health and happiness.

Tell him how you get a peculiar feeling at the thought of never seeing him again. Tell him that it makes leaving so much harder. Tell him that strange feeling is why you must leave. Tell him this is for the best.

In the end, I write very little.

In the end, it is mostly an empty page.

Goodbye, I think, but I cannot say the word out loud. Jamie still sleeps. Allan is fussing with his medicines. Will…

Will, I can only hope, is all right.

Goodbye, and thank you, and I’m sorry.

The wind is bitter when I slip out the door. I will have to find a few more clothes from somewhere if I am to survive the cold. No matter. I’ve done this before. I can do it again.

Into the wintry dusk. Into streets full of constables, of strangers who would turn me in, perhaps go running straight to Hatchett if they knew. Into a new life, a new town, a new name. Into a second chance.

I’m on my own, but that is nothing to fear. It means that this life—this new life—is mine. And mine alone.

Previous | Masterlist | Next

Here's the full list of songs, whose lyrics range from "vaguely match the vibe" to "nauseatingly on the nose." Enjoy!

Boston / I Will Remember You / Dare You to Move / On My Own / Bleed / Tongue Tied / Gotta Go My Own Way

Tagging: @starlit-hopes-and-dreams, @gala1981, @kixngiggles, @whither-wander-whump 💕

[chaussur-blog]

Fuck you! (English translation)

So this is a comic that i made during the summer 21 (and thought out during the year before). So it's a lil old but i'm still very proud of it! I made it with watercolors, on paper of about 17cm x 17 cm.

The original is in French so if you understand it, you can find it: here.

There's the transcription of the text at the bottom of each page in case my handwriting is a lil hard to understand (original is paper, it was made more to be read like that)

Anyhow, enjoy!

Right that moment, i felt like dying

This meant, that some things had to change

Name change : Elliott

Delete these 28 contacts? yes / no

Reorientation : sociology - economy

Hi. I am non-binary. If you can’t respect that, please go to hell xoxo. Some people, 98 [redacted]

That’s why I am here !

University ♡

red hair / unconditional love for crop tops / emo 4 ever / uncertain gender expression / new in town / side-cut

Well. This year will at least be interesting

This precise second, my world exploded

I saw \*this girl - person\*

hair!! / nice smile / hypnotizing eyes / heck of a style/ real cool piercings

… and huge gay vibes

I needed a way, a pretext to talk to them, quickly

Fortunately, the universe wasn’t relying on my subtle flirting skills (& it’s fair)

Hi, do you know where the classroom is ? For orientation

I know where that is! I’ll show you. By the way, I’m Antoine.

Nice to meet you! I’m Elliott!

Little by little, we became pretty close

Coming!

A little too close

Fuck no

of course i wanna have sex with them but i really fucked up i want to have a romantic relationship with them too and this is not what they’re gonna think fuck

of course ; but not like that

solution 1 : talk about it (that’s the right one) / solution 2 : flee

yes ; i’m an asshole

What the hell?

Hi! I can’t be your sexfriend! Sorry (yesterday was fun tho)

Jerk.

Nothing matters anymore!

I am stupid

2 missed calls

Living in a world so cold, wasting away / Living in a shell with no soul, since you’ve gone away / Living in a world so cold, counting the days / Since you’ve gone away from me

Those were bad times.

Do not sit

I found shelter in books

and I, in a whole lot of things

Lectures were really awkward

But I wanted to explain.

Elliott!

Why are you talking to me?

I’m sorry. Can we talk ?

No, not really.

I really / screwed up.

Now is high time for my best coping mechanism

Hi! I’m Alice / I’m Leo! What do you do? / I study sociology and economy. / Could you explain inflation to me? Where do the money disappear to? / Let’s dance instead.

Sure!

Using strangers / Destroying myself

Bottoms-up

Elliott… / I haven’t seen you around, I’m worried about you

Talk to me.

Please let me give you my notes

Hi.

I'm sorry you have to see that, / Antoine

Okay. So you’re obviously feeling too bad for me to help you. But I’ll support you.

Everything will be alright. / There are several steps.

But firstly, do you see your current situation as a problem? / …Yes. / Are you ready,

To try to improve it? / Yes. / You’re sure? / Yes. I’m sick of living like this.

Neat! That was step 1

Thanks, Antoine

Step 2 is to clean your flat and keep it tidy enough

doing the dishes is better than piling them in your bathtub / air is great / changing your sheets, too / getting rid of the harmful stuff

Step 3: restructuring your days and getting rid of your bad habits

Every day: / hydrate eat (3 times) / go out at least once / rest, sleep / go to class & study

Every week: / plan meals / laundry / grocery shopping / do sport

uninstall Webtoons, Twitter and Instagram. / sober of self-harm (2 days) / quit alcohol and smoking / do sport / study, but not too much / journal

But Antoine was very clear: / We’re friends. We’ll see if we can be more when you get better.

There was one step left, last but not least: going to therapy

It took me time and energy. But it was worth it.

Thank you. / No problem, Elliott

Of course, I had some trouble

But Antoine helped me each time I asked him.

Sorry / Progress isn’t linear

That’s rich, prick

I feel much better, so I’m going to ask Antoine out. Well, that’s the plan

stressed out / black dye / attempt at a fancy outfit

Knock knock

Oh hi Elliott ! Looking very smart today!

Er…

Hi… Last time, we did not communicate very well. So I’d like to ask you properly, would you go on a date (with me)?

Of course, Eliott. / Glad to know that you are still interested.

and this date,

was the first of many,

and many other rendez-vous.

Thanks, the universe

***

If you're here i would really love for you to tell me that you read it / what you thought about it so please don't hesitate to! I hearing about it 🥰

And also you can find some more drawings of them on my Instagram: here.

But yeah, thank you, i send you much love, take care of yourself :)

[animes-trash]

Lawless’s growth

Ah, here am I, back into Greed Pair hell. Welp. 

So, in this current arc, Strike has given us some good Lawless content, and parallels. After I was utterly destroyed by chapter 117 - 118, i decided to get a bit deeper into Lawless’s growth. 

First of all, let’s acknowledge the trust that Licht and Lawless now have in each other. Even before getting into the fight with Jeje, we can see that Hyde is not the same as before with one big parallel (that some people already talked about on this site).

The first picture is from chapter 27.5, the second if from 106. The pose is obviously the same, to parallel just how much Lawless has changed between those two moments, In the first panel, he is rambling about how human lives are useless and how everyone dies in the end anyway (fucking emo).

But in the second panel, he is actively searching for Nicco, World End’s eve. In this translation, Hyde thinks “I already know what it means to find that one person*. It’s good but quite vague, whereas the official french traduction is slightly different, and I love it. Translated it says “I know what it’s like to finally find a good eve... that we don’t want to leave.”. This says so much about how Lawless has changed. His bond with Licht has become so strong with time, it’s not even that he tolerates him or something, he wants to stay with him. Knowing where he comes from, that’s a huge step.

Now, getting to the fight. (Or you can read this post where I ramble about how Licht jumped of a window).

So. Jeje unexpectedly (to Lawless, at least) hurts Licht’s hand. Beforehand, Hyde said that he’d be the one to get close to Jeje because he can survive bullets and all, to protect Licht. Why would Jeje get interested in the human anyway ? The real fight is between Servamps. Or so he thinks. And I find this panel very important.

“You’re implying that Licht is my weakness ?!” He thinks this as if it made no sense. But this is absolutely right. I don’t know if Jeje thought this far, but he knows about Lawless’s past and his story about Ophelia. He knows it’s a trigger for him, so in a bitchy way, he attacked Licht.

And boy does it work. That grin that Hyde has ? It’s his nervousness acting up. We’ve seen his laughter fits before when the situation got out of hand to him. He then straight up fights Jeje, and he is angry.

But as soon as Jeje’s guns point toward Licht ? He just loses it and completely panics.

I’ve thought about it for hours, and that’s the only way I can interpret what happened afterwards. Utter panic. That “don’t mess with me !” line ? That’s just his anxiety showing up as anger. Also, the not on my watch panel, doesn’t it remind you of another chapter, way back ?

Strike, those parallels are going to kill. (Sorry. I’m sobbing as well, seeing this picture.)

I don’t know if we can talk about PTSD for immortal vampires, but if we can, damn does Lawless have it. What happened with Ophelia traumatized him hard for centuries. He’s starting to heal, but some wounds can’t be fully closed. Especially with Licht getting shot. 

(Lot of pain coming)

As soon as Hyde tries to put Jeje’s gun away, his arm fail him, and he starts to- what, melt ? I had a big wtf is happening moment reading this chapter. I first thought that he was starting to feel the consequences of getting attacked by Tsubaki, like Lily. But then I realized that it isn’t his body failing him, it’s his mind. I don’t know if we can talk of a panic attack, but it sure looks like one. And in a way, I think we can say that it’s because of Tsubaki.

Remember, what mostly changed about Hyde is that he’s really emotional now. In the C3 arc, when we discover it, it’s mostly put as a joke. Haha he cried a lot now. But for someone with as much emotional baggage like him, it’s truly dangerous. Like right now, because his fears and trauma are getting the better of him and make him unable to fight- to protect Licht.

And he’s not only melting, he’s crying. Panic attack, hello. Again, I’m saying, look at how traumatized he is ! “I failed to protect someone again. I always fail”. (Don’t mind me wetting my keyboard as I’m sobbing). Also, that pose on the ground ? He’s losing it.

I still wonder about Lilac’s panel. Is it just for the panic parallel, or is Lawless saying that he regrets killing all of Tsubaki’s subclasses ? The way he sounds, it’s like he thinks he deserves it. We’re back on the theme of his growth. Before, he never would have put his actions in question.

Anyway, he’s starting to melt into his “demon” form again. (Still wondering how the Count decided to merge Hyde with this). If we remember, he’s transforming into some useless blob. Again, I don’t know if Jeje thought this far, but it almost worked. If he totally went back into the blob, he would have been unable to fight.

But thank the gods, Licht is there for him. “Hyde, get a grip, you idiot”. It’s so them. Lawless is stuck in his panic of Licht dying, but even if he got shot, it’s only his arm. It’s not a vital point at all. Licht isn’t in any danger. (Well, medically yes, but it is a manga and he’s a main character). My only fear is that Licht is a pianist, and he needs his arm to work. (Once again, it’s a manga. If Licht has troubles playing the piano afterwards, it’ll only be because Strike choses it. Also, look at Mahiru’s arm. Not a single sequel. So yeah, author’s choice. (THINK OF THE ANGST THOUGH. FANFIC INCOMING)).

Anyhow, the scene cuts there to the rest of the fight. It could be the end, but we learn more in the raws of chapter 120.

(No ads for me. Sniff.)

That’s truly after I saw these panels that I was sure that Lawless’s condition wasn’t him getting affected by something exterior. As soon as he gets his mind together, he’s good to go. I quickly used google translate, so basically what World End says is “Lawless ! What you said was right. As expected of Big Brother. If you care for you master, protect him properly. It’s a little rough”.

In this scene, Nicco survived a gunshot to the gut after shenanigans in World End’s core (or whatever). Point is, he’s alive. That obviously cheers up Hyde who can think properly again (and he probably understood that Licht’s not in mortal danger by now). As soon as he’s calm, his body gets right again.

To conclude, Lawless of Greed is a character who is really deep, more than we can think. He’s gone such a long way since the first time we saw him in volume five. A lot of characters went through a lot, but him especially. Also because he was among the first to have a big character arc (second to Kuro) a long time ago, we get to see him grow a lot, and I feel like Strike is really showing it at this point. Hopefully, we’ll get a bit more of him dealing with his feelings toward his past and toward Licht. Maybe a bit from when he was human too, but maybe I’m asking for too much.

Gee you guys are still there ? Damn. 

Well, see ya <3

[literarylibraryliterally]

LEGENDBORN READING LOG

I’m almost 100 pages in and I’m a bit frustrated. I’ve heard so many good things about this book, I’ve seen it everywhere so my expectations have been very high. What I’d heard about it sounded awesome, I thought I’d hate myself for leaving this on my TBR for so long.

The writing is good, I really like Bree as a main character and I can relate to her pain and grief. I also think it is awesome to finally have a perspective where these white-centric groups, foundations…societies? (Idk the right word) are so , like Bree states, fundamentally not made for her, but rather BY people like her. And having her in a way, reclaim it, which I am interested to see where that goes.

However. The world building is leaving me incredibly disappointed. I think that might be my fault for not being fully aware of what I was getting myself into story wise, and built up another idea in my mind. There is so much infodumping, and I still don’t get any of it. The pacing has been extremely slow, and I’m going to give it time to take off, but there are mentions of a sort of, tournament, and I’m gonna be honest, tournaments especially in book form bore me so I’m a bit worried.

I also am struggling a bit because everyone’s name is being shortened to one syllable which is annoying me to no end, and one of the love interests (he clearly is a love interest. I know one when I see it) is 18, to our main character’s 16. Two years isn’t that much later in life, but put into the perspective of a high school graduate dating a person just learning to drive isn’t great. Many books do this though, not just this one, I’m just tired to see this trend continuing. Also, the poor kid’s name is Selwyn, I don’t think his parents ever loved him. (He’s a brooding angry emo boy so I might actually be right about this)

there’s gonna obvi be a love triangle between Nick, Bree, and Sel (lord have mercy) which im not looking forward too.

I enjoy tropes! I enjoy overused tropes. Maybe I’m just not in the mood for this book right now. I’m gonna try to continue, and who knows, maybe I’ll grow to love the world and it’s characters.

Tomorrow I might be crying about how Sel was never loved by his parents. Who can say?

EDIT: I feel like I was being harsh cuz I’m looking through the tumblr tag and people seem to love these characters !!! I want to as well !!! But I’m worried !!!

[logically-asexual]

One more time with feeling

summary:

Part one of this series is 'I can tell I've rotted in your brain', about Logan being slowly pushed away over the years until one day he is kicked out of Thomas's conscious mind and becomes the orange side.

This is part two, about Logan finally coming back.

Read on AO3

Chapter 2

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words: 1664

Thomas locked his phone and tossed it to the other side of the couch. Virgil and Roman sat next to him, one on each side. He groaned, with his face down in his hands.

“Maybe if you try checking again,” Roman suggested. 

“He checked an hour ago and the video has been up for two weeks, Princey, the number is not magically going up,” Virgil countered. 

“I tried so hard,” Thomas said, muffled by his hands. 

“I know.” Roman reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. 

“This was supposed to be the good one.”

Roman hesitated. “Well, I guess it was not realistic to expect one video to make a difference. But we can keep going and a good pattern will surely change people’s minds and bring those views back!”

Thomas didn’t move. 

Roman turned to Virgil, asking silently for help. 

Virgil shrugged. “That might sound reasonable but, I don’t know, dude, everything just sucks right now.”

“Um… Oh! We also have that call at the end of the week to look forward to! Maybe you got the role!”

Thomas leaned down even further. “I saw John posting on Twitter that he got the role, so I don’t think they’re calling.”

“Oh.” Roman looked down at his feet. “Did we congratulate him?”

“Thomas doesn’t speak to him since we forgot about his graduation ceremony, remember?” 

Thomas’ face was now on his knees. 

“Right…” Roman felt lost. “I’m sorry, Thomas. I should be leading you into success, I… I don’t know what went wrong.”

“I don’t know either,” Thomas sighed. “Everything was going so well.”

“Maybe this is the beginning of the end and we just gotta lay down and embrace it.” Virgil said as he leaned back on the couch. 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing! Like, how am I supposed to keep up with everything? I’ve been using the calendar on my phone and I still don’t know what day it is.”

“A calendar doesn’t help with the mess we have here, either,” Virgil commented, looking around him at the clothes, food, and electronic devices thrown around. 

“Damn it, I was supposed to clean up here today early so I’d finish in time before going to my parents’. Gosh, what did I even do all day today? I can’t remember.”

“Well, you had oatmeal for breakfast,” Roman said.

“Right.”

“And you’ve been sitting here since.” Virgil looked at the empty bowl right in front of Thomas on the coffee table. 

“And what time is it?”

“Three pm.”

Thomas sighed again. “This was supposed to help me. You know, staying calm, giving inspiration time to strike and then let things flow. That was the idea. It was working!”

“The life of an artist is not easy, Thomas.” 

“If I was a good artist it would be.” Roman frowned. 

“Of course it wouldn’t. Have you read how depressing all painters’ and musicians’ lives are? You think I’m dramatic, you should know there’s a million worse than me,” Virgil argued. “You’re supposed to know that and you still chose to live like this.”

“Because the good moments make everything worth it, emo! That’s what you don’t understand!”

“Good moments? Where? I don’t see any coming any time soon.”

“Okay that’s enough.” Thomas sat up. “This isn’t working.”

Both Sides went silent. 

“It’s getting late, let’s leave already and maybe… my parents will have some advice.”

Roman frowned. 

“Are you okay, Princey?”

“Yes, it’s just that… You shouldn’t need help. I– I mean, we should be able to solve this on our own. It’s our job after all. But… I don’t really see any other option.”

“It’s going to be fine.” Thomas said softly, turning between Roman and Virgil. “They love me and they’re not going to think less of me for struggling.” 

“I guess,” they both mumbled. 

“Come on, we can begin planning the next video on the way.”

Thomas arrived back to his home feeling exhausted and defeated. Talking to his parents didn’t seem to help, with them instead providing him with a never ending list of ways his life was out of control and nothing like what a serious adult should look like. 

Thomas didn’t want to be a serious adult. At least not the picture of one that his parents had in mind. He wanted to have fun while he could, to create, to be with his friends, to interact with the thousands of people around the world that enjoyed the same things he did. 

They were right in some aspects. He needed some amount of control, he couldn’t just take life as it came. 

Thomas didn’t know how to do that, though. Other people seemed to just know when to take the reins and lead themselves and others to success, but what would that look like for him? In school success would mean to get a good grade, in an office job it would mean to request a raise or seek a promotion and then obtain it. 

But his life wasn’t like that. Patton would tell him one can’t measure how “successful” a friendship is; people just change with time and you either stick together or you don’t. Roman would say success in auditions didn’t depend solely on him, since casting choices consider much more than the quality of his acting. 

Success in his YouTube channel, well… He thought he had that one figured out but it was now slipping away, too. It was impossible for his team to churn out fun, high quality productions once a week, and he had learned he couldn’t make promises to his fans without disappointing them, something Virgil wouldn’t forgive.

Then… What was he supposed to do? He wasn’t equipped for this. Nothing made sense. 

Thomas groaned as he laid face-down on his bed. It was only eight, but he didn’t feel like letting this day continue any longer. 

“You’ve wasted this entire day, and now you want to waste the night, too?” 

Thomas could recognize Virgil’s harsh tone even without looking up from his sheets. 

“What do you suggest I do?”

Virgil stayed silent and crossed his arms. 

“That’s what I thought,” Thomas said with his face still on the mattress. 

I know someone who would know what to do, Virgil thought. He couldn’t stop himself from bringing it up any longer, but he tried to choose his words carefully. 

“Thomas,” he called. “You don’t think Roman, Patton or I have any idea on how to solve your issues, right?” 

Thomas thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe you do, but the ideas need more time or… I don’t know.”

“Maybe. Though not every single one of your thoughts and ideas come from us.” 

“What do you mean?” Thomas finally turned to look at the anxious Side. 

“Sometimes… there are thoughts that… seem to have been hidden away and then they�� suddenly appear, apparently from nowhere.” Virgil struggled formulating the idea subtly enough, avoiding the best he could to catch Deceit’s attention. Thomas’s memory about having Dark Sides was locked away by denial, which made it impossible for him to just say what he wanted. 

Thomas was making that confused face at him that he always made whenever he wasn’t understanding a single word a Side was saying. 

Virgil inhaled deeply. “I, uh… I think that you do have the solutions you want in you, somewhere within your mind. You just need to… I don’t know… seek deep inside and… summon them.”

“Okay?” Thomas began sitting up. “How do I do that?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil confessed. “You could maybe… think really hard about what you want?”

Thomas still wasn’t convinced, but closed his eyes and tried anyway. “Fine,” he sighed. “Um… I want to be more organized. I want to be more responsible. I want to not disappoint the people around me all the time.” 

Virgil looked around him, waiting for anything to happen, but nothing did. 

Thomas opened his eyes slowly. He looked at Virgil, who nodded at him, encouraging him to keep trying. “I want to… have some stability. I want to feel in control of my life.” Thomas’ eyebrows wrinkled. “I want to keep doing what I want without people judging me all the time.” His fists clenched. “I want to be able to stick to a release deadline without other people interrupting my momentum complaining about inconsequential–”

“Hello!” Patton suddenly showed up with a big smile. “What are you two, kids, doing up so late?”

“It’s only eight, Patton,” Virgil said, willing him to leave and let Thomas keep trying to summon Logan. 

“Oh!” he laughed. “Right! I was just thinking that sometimes…” He looked between Virgil and Thomas, his smile not faltering, “when we have unlucky days we begin having some… not so friendly thoughts at night, and the best solution is to get back into the comfort of our sweet dreams early to feel better in the morning.”

Thomas nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Virge. We weren’t getting anywhere anyway.” He fell back onto the bed. “We’ll think of something else,” he murmured before falling asleep. 

Virgil bit his lip as he sank back out to his bedroom. 

Why didn’t Logan appear when Thomas mentioned responsibility and organization? He couldn’t have received a more explicit call. Did he not want to show up? Could he just decide not to even if he hasn’t ducked out? Did he… duck out?

Maybe Thomas didn’t really believe what he was saying. But that was strange, too, since Virgil thought that Thomas lied when he would insist he didn’t want some stability.  

Nothing made sense. 

However, there was no going around it. Logan was the solution. Thomas couldn’t keep ignoring his entire existence, no matter how hard Anxiety and the other Sides tried to make up for the lack of his role. Virgil would bring Logan back, even if it meant he had to drag him out of the subconscious himself. 

| First | Next |

[h3arts-4-broflovski]

I had a dream of a plot and I was wondering if you could write it? Please and thank you. I will send the plot through a different request

That was actually a really good plot, thank you!

TW’s before we start: slight An0rexia mention, heavy and slightly graphic $h, Su1cide, alcohol, cigarettes, hella angsty, emo asf

If any of that triggers you, please do not read!!🫶

HEATWAVE (Part 1)

The school day continues, and the main 4 are worried about y/n. Lunch arrives and the large friend group containing y/n, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Craig, and Tweek sit down to eat. “y/n, where’s your food?” Stan asks, she doesn’t answer. “And you never answered me this morning.” She stands up, yelling, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST STAN GIVE IT A BREAK. I AM NOT GETTING INTO THIS RIGHT NOW.” y/n storms off to the bathroom. “Geez, what’s her problem?” Craig asks. The main 4 fill them in on what happened that morning. Kenny, who isn’t wearing his parka, says, “yeah, I’m worried about her, guys. When was the last time you saw her eat? And she looks so boney..” they then devise a plan to watch her through her window that night. “Okay, Kenny will watch, Cartman will hold the ladder, the rest of us will be listening to Kenny.” They all nod in agreement. The plan is set.

At around 7:30 that night, the group arrives at y/n’s house. They set up the ladder and Kenny climbs up. “See her?” Craig shouts. “No, not yet.. wait, she’s opening the door.” Y/n comes into her room with a huge bottle of whiskey and sits on the floor in front of her bed, facing the window. (Room layout here⬇️) 

Y/n takes a swig of whiskey straight out of the bottle, and grabs her cigarettes and ashtray from her nightstand and lights one. “She’s drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and smoking.” Kenny reports. Y/n begins to sob, puts out her cig, and takes her jacket off. Kenny’s eyes widen when he sees her arm, “he-her arm…” “What about it?” Cartman calls up to him. “It’s all.. cut up..” y/n reaches in her nightstand and pulls out a r@zor that she took out out of a pencil sharpener. “Um guys.. Should I go in?” Kenny asks the guys. “Why?” Kyle replies. “I think… I think she’s about to hurt herself..” Everyone’s face goes white. “Maybe… maybe not yet. Keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t do something more stupid.” Kenny is forces to watch silently in horror as she begins to slit her wrists. “1…2...3...4...” she whispers to herself. Her eyes go blank for a moment while she makes the biggest decision she has ever made. y/n’s eyes shut, releasing more tears down her cheek, while she looks down at her arms. She puts her blade directly beneath her palm, and pushes harder than she ever has down her entire arm. She then does the same to her other arm.  Y/n brings the blade to her neck. Kenny begins to push open the window and yells to the others, “CALL AN AMBULANCE!” Kyle pulls his phone out in a panicked rush and begins to dial 911. Kenny gets into y/n’s room just as she slit her throat. Kenny screams, “OH MY GOD, Y/N!” y/n’s eyes widen at the sight of Kenny. Her eyes brim with tears at the sight of him. “Kenny…. I..I’m….so…sorry..” she manages to croak out, blood dripping from her mouth. “Oh god..no..NO!” Kenny cries out, tears falling down his cheek. Y/n’s blood-stained hand reaches up and caresses his face as the sirens from the ambulance get louder. Kenny leans his cheek into her hand as the rest of the group barges in the door. “Jesus..” Stan croaks, tears welling in his eyes. Craig turns Tweek towards him, “Don’t look, honey.” Butters begins to cry, “oh hamburgers..” Cartman looks away as soon as he catches a glimpse of the gory scene. Kyle just stands there, eyes glossy with tears. He can’t seem to look away, or even move. Y/n gasps, she can feel the end coming. “I..I’m sor…sorry. I…love you guys…” her voice trails off as the shine in her eyes fades, and lets out a deep exhale, her hand falling from Kenny’s face.

[torturedpoetsdepartment-mp3]

Okay, Scream 5 thoughts!

Honestly I think this is my second favourite of the Scream films so far (favourite being the first one, least favourite being number 3), and I haven’t really been able to pinpoint why, other than I love Tara and Sam, and the links back to all the og characters were so fun! Also a big fan of the survivor trio getting to be a little bit more like mentors than usual!

Made notes again so I’ll pop them below the read more again!

Hoping to see Scream 6 when it’s out in cinema sooooon and complete the watching experience, but until then I’ll be rewatching S1 and S2 of the Scream series, and watching S3 for the first time bc I didn’t realise it existed!

@trashcanalienist

- Ooh Jenna Ortega

- Okay she’s called Tara but who’s her mum? Is she relevant?

- Ah, this guy.

- Stab trivia - I am so good at this game

- Hey why the fuck would she try and go outside instead of calling the police

- I’m very impressed with the home security system in here - oh shit it has definitely been hacked never mind

- Oh that leg snap was NOT nice

- Okay quick swap to whoever Sam is

- Who’s Wes, who’s Sam, what happened with her and Tara

- Oh the boyfriend is coming with? He’s definitely gonna die Or be involved somehow

- Oh this is giving Scream 1 gang vibes

- DEPUTY POLICE LADY HAS A SON

- Okay but what if it’s not actually Tara texting you

- Why is pink hair not going with? Cheating on jock boy with Vince?

- This banter in the car with Sam and boyfriend is cute

- Vince having a knife is bad bad vibes

- Trying to figure out why I’m into Vince and it turns out it’s because he’s the Emo guy from Jennifer’s Body

- Oh Vince is definitely about to die

- Bye Vince

- What the fuck is this Billy Loomis hallucination and why is is so uncanny valley

- Guessing the family secret is Sam being Billy’s illegitimate child or something but we’ll see

- Hey is Judy the sheriff now

- Where are Gale and Dewey

- And Sid for that matter

- Ooh do we get a sibling heart to heart about the family secret now

- Hey I was right!

- Tara has a right to be upset about this but Sam needs to tell her about the hallucinations etc too I think and Tara should not have kicked her out like that that’s for sure

- Why are the boyfriends always CREEPY

- How dare he listen in like that, what the Fuck

- Richie is definitely gonna die or be evil

- DEWEY! Where is Gale?

- Oh she’s on tv

- Hey I’m adopting Sam rn, she’s mine and I love her

- HORROR MOVIE RULES TIME

- Yes Dewey questioning the boyfriend!!!

- I would love Dewey to help but I also don’t want him to get hurt again bc idc how much more he can survive ya know

- Holy shit SID WITH A BABY - multiple little girls oh my god

- Oh god Sid, she needs to stay safe and protect her little people

- “I’m Sidney fucking Prescott of course I have a gun” fuck yeah baby

- Oh I’m sad if Sid isn’t gonna be in Woodsborough but I also want her to be so safe pls

- Dewey texting Gale is so utterly ridiculous, I love it

- Randy memorial home theatre and then Martha walks in going “oooooh Suspects!”

- Okay Vince was connected!

- “Of course you did, you have terrible taste” excellent work

- I do not like cgi/uncanny valley Billy loomis one bit

- Yes Judy going straight to grab a knife! Sensible!

- That is TOO MANY windows in Wes’s bathroom wtf

- Also either him or his mum is in danger and I don’t know which

- Oh no, Judy

- Oh NO Wes

- Oh she is SPEEDING

- Fuckkkkkk goodbye Judy

- These weird/false suspense things with every cupboard door Wes is opening is absolutely sensational

- That was a very good jump scare even though I knew it was coming

- Who’s Wes’s dad??? Is that relevant?? Worried it might be

- Oh my god, powersuit. It’s GALE WEATHERS

- Poor Tara

- Oh my god okay Richie is almost certainly the other killer

- First jumpscare I actually screamed at! Dewey cannot die, it’s not allowed

- Okay excellent

- Oh nooooo Dewey don’t go back on your own wtf are you doing!!!!

- No no no no no no no no no fuck

- No Dewey

- I’m actually gonna cry

- Gale 😭😭😭

- Well that’s the first time I’ve sobbed at a Scream film that’s for sure

- No bc Sids gonna come back now - and there she is right on cue

- Where the fuck is Sam and Tara’s mother? Like why the hell isn’t she back yet??

- Amber going the basement is a BAD idea

- Also why are these kids always throwing fucking parties when there’s a murder spree

- The girls having a chat about how either of them could be the killer is bizarre

- Oh nooo jock twin is definitely about to get murdered

- Yes jock boy kick some ass!!!!

- Now why would you go further away from the party rn

- This kid is so dead

- Richie’s been left alone ish and I don’t trust any of the three girls in this group

- Oh no liv and Mindy are gonna fight

- Mindy should definitely be more worried about her brother

- Oh fuck they’re in the MACHER HOUSE???

- Oh goodbye Mindy

- Everyone accusing Liv is insane

- AMBER I KNEW WE COULDNT TRUST YOU

- Richie and Amber is my current prediction bc I don’t think they’d do victim/relative is the killer twice in a row but I could be wrong

- No, Gale!!!

- I hate Amber

- House of nightmares, meet Sidney Prescott, again

- So glad Sam actually has a weapon

- That phone call with Sidney was top tier

- “Holy shit it’s ghost face” - excellent work Richie

- Was not expecting Sid and ghostface to both go over the railing

- I FUCKING KNEW IT WAS RICHIE

- I do not like Richie

- Oh my god if Tara’s the one calling then I’m so impressed

- Yes Tara hit her to death with your crutch

- Obsessed with this Gale/Sid teamwork

- I do not want Gale to die

- Shit that must be a LOT of hairspray on that woman for her to go up in flames that way

- Sam is so badass I love her

- Cannot wait for Richie to die

- Yes Billy hallucinations, go on

- YES SAM

- Surely he wouldn’t still be alive after that many stab wounds

- Although I like that he was purely for the “What about my ending?” “Here it comes” exchange

- Now where is Tara

- Fuck yes baby

- These sisters are my kids now, I love them so much

- YES THE TWINS ARE OKAY

- Honestly these kids have been attacked so many times and STILL their mother isn’t here?? Ridiculous

- “You were right about not running” “I’m sorry about that” 😭

- Gales gonna write about Dewey and I am going to sob forever

- Now everybody thank the Billy hallucination for saving their lives tysm

[redstringraven]

ahh hi, i just wanted to drop by and say that while i’ve absolutely LOVED your enneagram series, your mikey installment just completely blew me away. he’s my favoritest boy in the world so i love love love seeing me some good analysis.

this isn’t to say that i think overall tmnt 03 fandom handles mikey poorly—absolutely not, i’m actually consistently impressed with how much love and appreciation he gets! but i feel like a lot of interpretations of him tend to sand his edges down a little? one of the reasons he’s my favorite 03 boy is because… well, he’s kind of a mean guy sometimes! i really really loved seeing your examination of where those seemingly out-of-pocket quips come from. and while we all love those moments of thoughtful empathy from him, like with his oft-quoted insight during leo’s emo arc, i am so happy to see you acknowledge this scene as something that can COEXIST with his fear of vulnerability and self reflection, not something that DISPROVES it. does that make any sense??? i don’t know i’m just SO happy to see a properly nuanced take on 03 mikey since he’s imo the most deceptively opaque of his counterparts in other iterations.

anyways yeah i just wanted to say i found your analysis really uniquely insightful and i will definitely be keeping some of your commentary in mind as i continue my rewatch of 03 :) (also did u HAVE to call me out so hard in the section on gluttony and needing to fill the void with more stuff to consume because um. ow. /lighthearted.)

;-; fjkjkd THANK YOU so much!! i'm so glad i could provide, and especially that i was able to do the mikester justice. he's a goofy guy, sweet boy, got a lot going on in that noggin' of his.

i think you hit the nail on the head, there; mikey's just as 'capable of being mean' as his brothers are. like, don having to remind him that they're just as much 'monsters' as the folks from the underground are. mikey's definitely freaked out in these episodes, so he might be walking the line of 'average' and stress-1, but i think it's fair to say this is some of that judgement, black/white thinking and pessimism rearing its head. and this is despite after he says they shouldn't trust the undergrounders, raph asks "why?". raph's got a good track record of detecting sus behavior, yet he's pretty calm right now...should be a signal that things are fine, but mikey's not receptive of it (speaking of, he's the only one out of the three who doesn't have any dialogue throughout the scene where the y'lyntian is monologuing up until he shuts down the guy's """offer""" for them to live in the underground city; i'm going to be self-indulgent and say his 8 was doing ye ol' sussing out power and intent here).

BUT YEAH NO, i agree and think that the insight scene in samurai tourist is a great example of "both can be true". more than one thing or feeling can be happening at once, you very much make sense and i shake your hand. u-u!!!

and fHLFDSKGHLSD i apologize for the call out >xDD the enneagram can and will do that as you begin homing in on your type. i've had several instances while reading up on my own where i just caught myself staring at a wall like

thank you so much for the wonderful words and the ask!! ;w; i'm so happy you liked it and that i did good by our friendly neighborhood battle nexus champion. have a wonderful day, duder! ✌🖤🌷

[always-andromeda]

helllo!!!! congrats on 500 :^) you’re super talented and it was VERY deserved!!

Can I request ‘Louisa’, for Paul Dano characters?

I’m eighteen and a half, hoping to become a writer/illustrator — but maybe a teacher? I haven’t decided yet. Maybe all of the above! I like to say I’m outgoing and extroverted, but I can also be really shy and awkward. I’ve dyed my hair every color of the rainbow — and right now it’s a blueish-green and dark brown. I have seven piercings, and four tattoos — all done by myself (I take great pride in them all). My clothing style is a bit hippy-ish, but I also just like my bellbottom jeans and band-tees, so maybe grunge? I think everything about me screams ‘Californian’. I like to think I’m funny, and I’m a bit sensitive too. I don’t have a lot of friends because I like to keep my circle small, but the few friends I have mean the world to me! I can also be seen as.. obnoxious. But I like to think I’m just strong-minded! I am an advocate for what I believe in, and I have no problem standing up for myself or people who need it. I love cats, and I like kids too! I used to babysit for my mom’s friends for two years. I like to cook, and bake — though I seem to have the worst luck with making cookies. I love sushi! Going to dinner and trying new foods with people is so so fun to me — I love seeing their reactions. I love sharing the music I like, and movies. I could rewatch my favorite movies a million times. I like going on walks a lot! I like walking in the forest and showing my friends my special spots — creepy tunnels or trails with grass nearly up to my shoulders. I’m also a giver. I love giving gifts, and cooking for people. I love birthdays or just offering to buy people stuff, it makes me so happy! I think I can match peoples’ energy pretty well too. But I’m always kind of energetic. Oh! I also read tarot cards! I collect crystals (I have an impressive collection), and I’m very into astrology.

Congrats again!! I always look forward to reading your stuff (:

Author’s Note | ugh, thank you immensely for your sweet words and your request!! I hope you enjoy my pairing!!

I am pairing you with ✨ Brian!! ✨ Side Note: I’m well aware this man has five minutes of screen time in Fast Food Nation, so I will be taking some liberties in how I interpret his character!!

First and foremost, your style would probably allure Brian. He’d probably assume you to be the same brand of jaded and sardonic as he is. But as soon as he gets to know you and your personality, he’ll find himself suddenly seeing in color. You’d challenge the endless cycling routine that is his life.

And, for the love of god, take this guy out to get something other than fast food. His diet consists exclusively of Diet Pepsi and curly fries and he would lose his mind going to new restaurants. Though he might be a little weary wondering what the waiters are doing to the food before it hits the floor (because he sure as hell knows what he does to the food he prepares before it gets to the customer), he’d get a real kick out of trying something that isn’t fried or artificial.

Between your enthusiasm for getting him to try new things and exploration, you’d add some well needed substance in his life. Being a worker in the service industry, Brian often finds himself spiraling into the mindset that nothing really matters. But the way that you exude life could really shed some light on the life of this pessimistic, greasy, emo boy.

[montanababe7]

When I think about all that Jesus has carried me through & What happened to me in 2008, reminds me that no matter how challenging; with Jesus by my side; I can overcome everything. Yes, every word of this is true. I’m not a victim. I no longer have cptsd. Because Jesus healed me. I’m an overcomer. Read what I shared and you’ll learn why. I love you guys. Thank you all for praying and believing in me🙏🏼😭🥹: This is my go ministries international story: this is what I remembered when I asked Jesus to remind me of the things my brain blacked out for many years. *Warning ⚠️. What happened in 2008 was intense. What you are about to read isn’t for the faint of heart or younger readers. Please be advised.

>

> One memory I just now remembered was the Christmas production in 2008. we put on at lwcc, in that drama I was the emo/goth girl who was a cutter. Somehow, they had chosen to mock me even if they didn’t know I was suicidal for months and had fought the desire to slit my wrists.

Wrote this a few years ago: I’m just so thankful to JESUS and having a 🥵 hot mess moment right now😭🥺.

This might or not be in my upcoming go ministries international story...that happened in 2008 but, I am forever grateful to the intern or staff member who wasn’t fully aware just how depressed I was while at boot camp during the game at night.

(If you wouldn’t have walked over when you did- to where I was hiding in the woods during the pelting raining; and let me know that the meeting was starting. I would have successfully slit my wrists. I had a found a sharp rock and I was ready to end it all). I would have left go. But. It would have been in a body bag.

So. To whoever you are. I am eternally forever grateful Jesus had you walk over to me when you did🙏🏼🤯😭. Thank you. Jesus had you save my life.

> *Why did you decide to join go.

> As long as I can remember, I always wanted to pray for and minister to others. I wanted to show them Jesus. To show them His heart. When I saw that go ministries international they had a youth program; I wanted to learn everything I could, bless others back. So many precious young people are hurting and they just need someone to care. To reach out to them. To let them know they are never alone. To show them Jesus.

>

> 2. What were your first thoughts once you were an intern?

>

> The day before go started, I was with my family at living word Christian center. The core leadership seemed to care about me. They were so kind and seemed to be loving. Other people had a different thought. They told me, “Jessica, are these fake faces or faith faces.” At that point, I honestly did not know. I had wanted to believe the best in them. Little did I know, how truly wrong I would be the next day.

> My parents and family, had already dropped me off and were driving away. I assumed everything would remain happy. Seconds later, the leadership started screaming for all of us interns to get to the front lawn. I didn’t know why I felt complete terror. All I knew and could feel at that moment, was this: my hands went completely numb. I felt like throwing up as we were screamed at to start doing up downs and sit-ups, push-ups, the bear crawl, running back and forth. Many on my left and on my right were throwing up and passing out. The leaders didn’t care. They screamed at them to get back up.

> Next, we were told to fit as much or little into a duffle bag. The next thing we were told was to file into the vans silently. We were not allowed to talk to anyone. We were told to keep our eyes straight not looking in any direction. The bus ride to Wisconsin was several hours long. When we arrived that night, it was already dark out. They screamed at us to file into formation. For years, the memories have seemed like a bad dream. The distant memories blurred into dreams.

>

> 3. What were your most vivid memories of go. Good, and bad. How did it affect you?

>

> Alright, as soon as we all were on the line. They began spray painting numbers onto a T-shirt. I can’t remember what my number was. But, during that week; that number was my name. The week, I was no longer Jessica. I was nothing more than a number. We were told that we had to carry our bible, water battle, a stick, and an egg. We were forced to run far past the point of what seemed normal human endurance. At one point, I thought my heart and lungs would give out from all the running. I was told by one of the leaders that I had to keep running until they said to stop.

> The next thing I remember, was doing military style exercises that involved balancing on a small metal string, I slipped and the metal string slapped into my leg, it had cut my leg deeply into the bone. The bone was exposed. Blood was gushing everywhere. I couldn’t limp, let along walk. But, we were told that the word can’t wasn’t allowed. So, despite the deep pain-the leaders didn’t show me any levels of compassion or mercy. I had to run with blood gushing down my leg. I couldn’t stop crying. After that we were forced to run up and down slippery stairs for 2 to three hours at least nonstop. After that, we were told that we had to carry a hundred pound cross up and down the stairs.

> The other memory that I can’t forget: being awoken out of sound sleep with a blow horn to my heart and being told to clean a building from top to bottom in the middle of the night. The nights turned into days. And the days turned into nights. The mere idea of food or even eating became unneeded to my weary and tired brain at that point. I didn’t want to throw up. Thankfully, I never did. But the feeling was horrible eating and being forced to eat everything on your plate. Then, you had to run. For hours. Or whenever they decided for us to stop running.

> I remember we had rock experiences, where we had to pick up huge boulders that were so sharp. The rocks began to cut my wrists and my arms. I was forced to wear long sleeves for weeks; because the leaders didn’t want people assuming that I’d cut my wrists.

> The next memory is very painful. They called it judgement day. We all had to line up once again and wait our turn. When my name was called, I had to recite from memory Ephesians 6:10-12 from the message or amplified version. But, if we forgot the verse at all-we would be pushed off the dock. Mind you, it was nighttime and freezing out. I was pushed off

> The dock twice, I walked back to my spot in line. I was freezing cold and I worried that I’d die of hyperthermia. I couldn’t stop shaking. No one asked me if I was alright. No one asked me how weak I felt or how numb my body had become. They simply screamed at me. They called me a failure.

> That night, I had to sleep in freezing, wet clothes. We weren’t allowed to shower they week. We were their slaves and how they treated us-we were nothing. They even took our cell phones away. Gee, wonder why.

> The next memory was the communist game. We were awoken once again out of sound sleep with a blow horn to our ears. It’s a miracle I didn’t go deaf or lose any hearing. We were told we were being arrested for being Believers in Jesus. And we had to find the hidden tracks before the other communists found them. We had to run in the freezing rain. I ran to a hiding spot. Somewhere deep in the forest. It was pelting rain. I huddled onto the grass and bawled my eyes out-laying in a fetal position. Telling myself that somehow I’d survive this. I asked Jesus to take me home that night. I wanted to find a rock or anything sharp and end it all. I was done.

> The next second, someone grabbed my arms and told me I was going with them. They brought us to a building where we had to sit completely still. No movement. Zero movement was allowed. We had been up for over 24 to 48 hours without sleep. Anyone who started to doze off had a blow horn to their ears. I kept slapping my cheek just to stay awake.

> We get back to the ranch in mora, Minnesota. We are told that daily we’ll have pt. Every morning at 5 or 5:30 sharp. Meet outside of the house. If we were late. We would have to write down Luke 16:10 100 times. If we failed, they’d add on another hundred more. That was only the beginning of the nightmare.

> One of the days of pt, I heard my back snap when we were doing up downs. I told one of the leaders that I couldn’t run anymore and she screamed at me. Threatening to punish me even worse for simply saying, “I can’t.”

> Fast forward to a month or two later, my confidence was already shot. Not to mention, I had lost 10-15 pounds at bootcamp. My ankles, legs, and feet were so swollen that I couldn’t even put socks on and my pants wouldn’t even fit. The physical breaking was terrible. But the emotional breaking nearly destroyed and almost killed me.

> I was told that I would be put on ministry probation. They prevented me from praying for anyone. I couldn’t speak to anyone unless they addressed me first.

> Only few of the people there showed me one ounce of kindness. I snuck showers, because I was so depressed that I want to slit my wrists. I had a plan to bleed out in the shower. So no one would know. Those thoughts went through my mind for those four to five months I was there.

> One night, the female leadership told us that we had to strip down to our bras and underwear. But, if any of the boys found out; we’d be writing sentences till our hands fell off. We were told to shower with other girls. I never did. I snuck showers.

>

> 4. When did you leave and when did you realize they were toxic?

>

> How go affected me. My dad said hi to me one Sunday. I didn’t call him as dad. I called him, sir. My dad broke down and cried. He looked at me, and said, “Jessica, I’m your father. Not sir. What did they do to you?”

> My mom pulled me into the church bathroom one night and said, “we’ve had enough of them treating you this way. We’re taking you back home to Hutchinson tonight. Lie if you have to. But, you’re not going back to go. We’ll leave your stuff there.” I lied to one of my leaders. I felt terrible. I cried the whole way home.

> When I got home. I called friends and they didn’t even recognize me. I didn’t act the same. I had nightmares and my room was blood red. Go gave me ptsd. I was in multiple inner counseling sessions. I’ve had many panic attacks. Flash backs. Different times where I would hyperventilate.

> The signs of go being a cult are obvious:

> *They tell you-that they are your family.

> *zero contact with the outside world.

> *they took our cell phones away.

> *they shut the water off.

> *they stopped communication with me after I left.

> I was told that I lacked faith. Reality: I ran out of money.

> But. Jesus has been healing my heart. I’ve forgiven the leadership. I pray what I have shared with you all today is a warning and an alert to the youth who might consider go ministries international. I’m sharing my story so you never have to attend or experience what myself or others have seen and heard. I want to spare you from this pain. And hold the hearts of the ones who are still suffering because of go or the ones who are stuck in go and don’t know how to get out. Know that I’m praying for you. I’m praying for the complete healing of your heart. That there is so much love in your heart. Never forget who you are. That’s what go wants. But, Jesus wants you happy and whole. I want my life to seen as someone who helps others escape from the trenches and hold you close. You each have giftings and talents. Don’t allow go ministries international to ever steal your purpose or your identity. You are not a mistake. God loves you. He has never stopped loving you. I pray that you can feel Jesus heart even in my message.

> -Jessica

[vilgramcrimeandpunishment]

Daisuke’s first VD (Cement boots)

E: Hello there

D: You’re late

E: Am I? Apologies, did I keep you waiting for long?

D: I get impatient easily, so yeah, you did

E: I see. Rest assured, it won’t happen again. Are you ready to start the interrogation? I’m just here to ask a fe questions

D: Make it quick

E:…Alright. How old are you, Daisuke?

D: Twenty-four

E: How’s life in Milgram?

D: It’s fine

E: Just fine? Anyone you’re close with?

D: No

E:…What about rations? You need anything?

D: No

E: You don’t elaborate much, do you?

D: What else is there to know?

E: *sighs* What a contrast….

D: Hm?

E: I just got done interrogating Kasumi and analyzing her memories. She was friendly unlike someone I’m looking at right now

D: Being friends in prison, specifically with the guard, isn’t exactly something on my bucket list 

E: I’m not here to befriend you, but you’ll have to cooperate if this interrogation is going to be of any success 

D: Just extract the song already or whatever. You’ll find everything you need to know 

E: I need to deeper understanding of you, and it takes a lot more than just extracting your memories 

D: Understanding me is just as successful as moving a mountain. No one can

E:…….

D: Hell, I don’t even understand myself…..

E: You’re a 24 year old man, or a 17 year old going through his emo phase?

D: Shut up

E: It was a joke. But really, just answer my questions

D: I answered what you asked already

E: I need more details

D: On my life here in this shithole? It’s an upgrade from the hell I called my ‘home’, but I ain’t got any hobbies or friends

E: What do you do when you’re bored then?

D: I sleep 

E: Any hobbies before coming here?

D:……..

D: I use to play billiards. I like reading too

E: What about college? 

D: I didn’t go to college

E: Any specific reason? 

D: I…didn’t see the point

E: Was that hesitation I sensed?

D: Your question caught me off guard. What, do you I need to tell you when I went to the bathroom too?

E: ….*clears voice* If you didn’t go to college, what was your living situation like before you came to Milgram?

D: I lived alone

E: What about a job?

D: I worked at a library. It was enough to keep a roof over my head and food on the table

E: So what makes you compare Milgram as a better option than your home?

D: The assholes I was surrounded by were insufferable

E: You hate people that much?

D: They annoy me

E: So that’s why you dislike the rest of the prisoners here? No reason, just misanthropy?

D: What’s the point of being friends with people if they just betray you?

E: Allies are an important thing to have in hard, strange times. Though, I guess it’s not my part to tell you how to interact with the others 

D: You’re right, it’s not

E:….Rest assured, Daisuke. Even if you lie, your memories will show me the truth 

D: What makes you think I’m lying?

E: Your tone and words reek of some deceptiveness. As a prison ward and the judge of your sins, I’ll find the truth 

D: Big words

E: You doubt me?

D: Cocky too….

E: *clicks tongue* 

D: Anyways, if my memories will just show you the truth, what’s the point of this meaningless interrogation? 

E: I need to deduce the optimal moment to use it. If I just use it now, without the memory and topic resurfacing to the murder in question, the video will show something else

D: Can’t I just think about it really hard? 

E: No. It doesn’t work that way. This technology is very new and fragile, but sensitive. It’s designed to pick out the most accurate depiction of what the murder is, why it occurred, and the instances that lead to the mindset the prisoner was in to commit the murder

D: Seems like a waste of resources

E: No one asked for your opinion. You can either comply with our protocol, or whine to no avail

D: I just stated in opinion

E: If you’re voted guilty, your opinion will be utterly worthless

D: Eh? Was it not already?

E:…eh?

D: Huh?

E: What?

D:…never mind. Any other pointless questions with obvious answers?

E: Daisuke Kurosaki?

D: Hm?

E: Look up

D: Why?

E: Just do it

D: *tilts his head up* Alr—AH!

E: *slaps him*

D: W-What was that for?!

E: I hit you cause I hate arrogant asses like yourself

D:…..*heavy breaths*

E: You either question protocol and annoy me to the point of getting hit, or you can shut up and comply 

D: Heh….

E: Eh? What’s with the smirk?

D: You’re…being…weird….warden-san…

E: Says the guy that’s smiling awfully widely after being slapped 

D: Hey….let me take a crack at hitting someone….I want to hear the bones crack as the collision gets harder between my knuckles and their skull

E: !!

D: You enjoyed hurting someone, huh? How cruel of you, warden-san, hehehe…..

E: Enjoy? I only did it to shut you up

D: Bad idea….I can’t get my mind off of it now…

E: You’re creepy, you know that?

D: Always have been

E: *sighs *mumbles* What a weirdo…

D: If you hit me hard enough, would it be possible that my brain can be screwed up enough that my memories won’t be accurate or show at all?

E: That’s why you’re happy about being hit?

D: No, I just ask out of pure curiosity 

E:…..Daisuke…did you enjoy being hurt?

D: Enjoy…feel my pants getting tighter….sure….

E: Creep….*mumbles* This has to be some sort of act to try to scare me….

E: I don’t have time to play along with his games….I need to focus at the task at hand….

D: This chair I’m sitting on….will it hurt?

E: No, it—

D: Aww….

E: ….?

D: *grins* What if I put someone weaker than me on it? Kasumi or Asuka’s build. But what if it was someone more weak-willed. I’d enjoy seeing the light leave their eyes just seeing something so scary, hehehe…..

(machines whirr, bells ring)

E: A-Already? 

D: Warden—

E: Suddenly acting cold again? *clicks tongue* What is it?

D: Would it be possible that we don’t talk again?

E: Trust me, as much as I would love that, we have two more interrogations after this one

D: What exactly will be the punishment if I’m guilty for this trial?

E: Physical and mental restraints. Your freedom of thought will be denied 

D: Just like back home….

E: Prisoner 002, Daisuke Kurosaki, sing your sins!

[solarianvoidthearoace]

So a few months back, actually, I retroactively realised I was straight-edge for a while – before I even found out it was a distinct subculture lifestyle

I was “straight edge” from 19-20 and then between 21 and 23

I didn’t know it was even a subculture, I’m just an asexual who’s not interested in smoking and is mildly paranoid about drinking alcohol (the break in my streak is because I stupidly got myself a boyfriend for less than a year)

I’m European and as such the drinking age in my country is below 18, actually

So I did drink alcohol occasionally between ages 15 and 19 before I decided sometime during my 19th year that I don’t want to risk it with the alcohol

I’m mentally ill and I got somewhat paranoid about that meaning I have a tendency/ predisposition to become an alcoholic, plus I just never go out to discos/ parties, so I didn’t really have a reason to drink – especially during the Covid lockdowns

I had distanced myself from alcohol and never got into the “party scene” as young adults do

Getting a boyfriend was a lapse of judgement on my part and in hindsight I’d rather have kept up my streak of being Straight Edge than waste my time on that guy

Aaaaanyhow, I even made it 2 1/2 years before I had a glass of wine again (I was visiting my parents and my mom wanted to have a glass after dinner)

Though I have to concede I probably should be keeping my distance from alcohol anyway due to the 3 psych meds I’m dependent on – I’m only on antidepressants and methylphenidate hydrochloride (for ADHD) buuuuut still, doesn’t mix too well with alcohol but a bottle of wine on occasion is fine, imo

So since I’m not 100% alcohol-free and willing to drink on occasion, I can’t call myself straight edge anymore

And once again I’m back on the topic of whether I can rightfully call myself punk, although two bloggers I follow and respect a lot (one here, one on FB) both said from what I told I do sound like an activist

That’s the thing I am mostly worried about, whether my activism counts because I’m a “keyboard warrior” and don’t go attend protests/ events

I’m outspoken about being disabled, I’m outspoken and loud about being queer, and I’m outspoken (and loud) about being mentally ill…

I’m visible.

Partially because I found, over the years, that I can’t not be visible.

I always stand out, I’m always the weird one, the odd one out. The only way I can fit in is by being quiet, keeping quiet. Because I don’t know how to mask in a way that won’t set people off about me being off.

And with the joint splints/ support bandages and walking cane, it’s not like I can be invisible about that.

And as for being queer… I’m aromantic asexual. I’m an oriented aroace, yes, but that’s where my gender factors in.

I’m agender-genderqueer and that little binaryness that is there is decidedly masc-in-nature. I have used MINgender, masculenby, transneumasc, more or less interchangeably.

Point being: the closest relation I have to the gender binary is on the masculine side of things.

And since I know I have a preference for queer men, I would say ‘m-spec vincian’ describes my orientation.

But whatever you’re picturing me like in your head right now, I don’t look the part.

I pass as a perfectly average young woman, albeit with bright green hair (blue can’t work with my natural color-undertones)

I don’t look punk, I don’t look emo, hell, I barely look queer.

To me, personally, being punk is defined by being proactive, being contrarian, being anti-establishment

Don’t get me wrong, my go-to playlist is alternative metal, punk rock, pop punk, postcore, metalcore, emocore, alternative rock and then some

But I’m not interested at all in going to live music events; even if I won concert tickets, I’d hand them over to my cousin and his friends who’d be more than happy

I just don’t like live music or live events, I’m too autistic and my auditory processing disorder isn’t helping

Reading this it probably sounds like I’m begging for validation… no, I actually got that from those two bloggers after explicitly stating I just don’t think I’m punk enough, no need for encouraging words

But hey, come hell or high water, I’m content with who I am (even if I forget that sometimes)

I have come a long way and I’m only 24 now

I am who I am, fuck the haters

And if my chronic joint pains turn out to be early onset rheumatism, it’s putting a name to a condition I have had for years; my walking cane looks cool anyway

[grimmjowjaegerjaquez]

I have a couple of bleach related question about some topics you already mentioned and since I love your thoughts and you have bleach moment I hope I won’t be to annoying. Obv don’t need to answer

Is Grimmjow your favourite bleach character? What moment made you change your mind on orihime? Was there specific moment, or just all of it? Why arrancar arc is your favourite? Do you like any other one? Can you elaborate on grimmulqui? What do you find interesting about their dynamic, since it’s described as completely incompatible in canon? You saw Di Roy as basically looking up to grimmjow, do you have other ideas about the group dynamic? And sth with drama but I need to know Is your feeling about gr!m!chi based on age difference they have? Cuz I felt the same after I became an adult and wonder if it’s similar to you, but someone pointed out Isshin and masaki who are also similar in ages, so idk what to think rn?

And btw I hope one day you will feel comfy enough to share your OC/character. I always look forward to what you post so I’m sure it is fun and interesting. Thanks and sorry again.

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh ok I’m sorry to everyone for what I am about to inflict upon your dash. 

So i think back when I first watched bleach as a tiny middle schooler, I did like Grimmjow the most. But my best friend had said that Grimmjow was HER favourite, so i opted for Ulquiorra instead out of respect (my kid logic was unmatched, i know lmao). Now Ulquiorra is a character that I love a lot and I did RP as him for a couple years because of that (he is a sad clown. he is an emo. like how can i not like him), but Grimmjow has absolutely retaken the spot of Number One Guy of All Time. He is the Original Catboy, he's blue, he’s a dickhead, he's a lot more observant and intelligent than literally everyone gives him credit for, he loves to beat the shit out of everyone, AND he’s emotionally constipated, I love him. 

Also for Orihime it was like, when I was getting back into bleach in college i was peeking at some blogs for it while also reading the manga and the hate people have for her is so unreal dude. Like part of it really was just out of spite for those people lmfao. There's nothing wrong with her, people are just so venomous!! And for what!! Her big boobs????? She’s weird! She’s compassionate and will heal even her enemies! And not to repeat myself but she’s ALSO more observant and intelligent than literally everyone gives her credit for. She intuits so much that other characters dont pick up on, like??? Why. I mean I know why, its just tiring lmfao

I guess I like chapters before Rukia’s capture because the energy for them is really good? And the shinigami arc is all good because it sets up a lot of new shit for the rest of the series. And also the Fullbringer arc is a lot better than I thought it was going to be. BUUUUUT Arrancar Arc is my favourite bc the arrancar are my favourite. No competition. I think their world is interesting, how it worked before Aizen and after Aizen fucked it all up; I like the struggle between the animalistic lifestyle and cycle of violence they’d all been subjected to rubbing up against the reclamation of their humanity and figuring out what that means for them, and how the promise Aizen gives them of power makes that even harder because he’s forcing them to stay in that survival-of-the-fittest, hyper competitive mindset so they can all be his little murder machines. I also love that they all have fursonas lmfao.

For Grimmulqui it’s like… I think I just like the idea of two dudes with a shitty grasp on their own emotions (mostly from being in an environment that’s forced them to suppress anything that isn’t going to keep them alive) not realizing what it is they're feeling for each other. Seeing Grimmjow noticing things about Ulquiorra (mostly to size him up as a threat, I’m sure lmao) like how he notes that he will always stab prey he’s interested in right where his hollow hole is, as a quirk that he thinks Ulq himself probably doesnt realize. And like, he’ll say shit like “haha, you’re scared to fight me! Because you think we’ll tear each other apart!” and then turn around and just remove Ulquiorra from the situation entirely instead of actually fighting him (which yes is because he had the objective of fighting Ichigo instead and that would just prolong everything and get in the way) But idk! It reads to me like he might be projecting a tiny bit! Also like. The Penis Swords Chapter Cover. Need I Say More.

As for Grimmjow’s group, yeah, but it’s like. It’s less about each of them on an individual level and more about them as just a group? Because of how little we really got for them it’s a lot more work to extrapolate things from lmao. Like I think they all idolize Grimmjow in a way, but Di Roy does the most and is the most obvious about it. Most of my thoughts on them are just about how cool it’d be if they were all still alive and could pal around with their favourite guy :( They could have the shittiest mancave in Las Noches that Shawlong fruitlessly tries to lecture everyone else about cleaning, and it’d be great! Also I think its funny that Yylfordt is the jock to Szayel’s nerd and the potential for more sibling rivalry shit would be cool. 

And uh. Well for Grimmichi and Isshin/Masaki like…….. Dude idk what to tell you lmfao. Like we could have a whole discussion about Kubo being lame for Isshin/Masaki but I think people using the fact that it’s canon in spite of the age gap as a defense for grimmichi (which i think is what you’re implying, right?) is fucking dumb lol. As if that suddenly makes it less weird. Ok.

[akwardlyuncool]

Spotify Wrapped 2022

It’s that time again y’all. I’m a few literal days late from the first day hype wave, but I’m here nonetheless. Last year I compared both of my Spotify’s to see which Wrapped I thought was more accurate and I figured why not do it again.

Basically I have my daily driver,  what I use most often and what’s signed in on my phone and then the Spotify I use for/while I’m working on projects on Akwardly Uncool, so part of my year is spent elsewhere.

Anyway the LEFT side is the Daily Driver and the RIGHT is AkwardlyUncool.

I’ve heard many people say that their Wrapped was skewed towards the first half of the year, however mine just seems predictable and I’m just like “That tracks.”  Is this the year they got it right and are actually accurate? Not entirely, but based off my personal information (like what’s in my head) Spotify isn’t too off base.

Minutes:

There was a combined total of 23,798 minutes spent across both accounts which is 2,612 less than last year, so I must be slacking or listening to my CD’s more, like I should be. That being said there was a hella long road trip that I took this year, so something must be off.

Top Artist/Artists:

Basically if I saw them in concert this year, in person or virtual, they made it to the top of my streaming list. So yes I did get to see Joy Oladokun and spoiler alert Matt Maeson as well as Wild Rivers (concert posts coming) all in the same year, making my musical streams a reality. There were only 3 artists that I didn’t see live this year, so here’s to hoping I get to see Winnetka Bowling League and Relient K sometime in the next 365+. 

Genres and Top Tracks:

The top genres feel like accurate representations of the accounts they’re on. The Akward Blog’s “data,” like the songs I’ve liked and my Discover Weekly have always called me a sad-indie-elder-emo and if that ever changes I will be upset. That being said I still don’t know what Neo-Mellow, but now we also have Indiecoustica to wonder about as well. Now do the top tracks match the genres? More or less, less being I Am Woman because it’s not Pop-Punk enough, but if they’re saying my second most listened to genre is Pop then, once again that tracks.

My Audio Day:

All I can say is that I promise you that I am not getting as hype or lit or wild as my nights on both sides claim to be. Everything is on shuffle and evenings are not exclusive to “wind down” music. However.... Amped Nervous does seem to track with my daily personality. 

Personality Type:

I feel like everyone got The Adventurer on their daily drivers, so I ignore that read altogether. The Maverick though feels way more personal/accurate to what’s chilling on the Akward account. I’m either listening to something “no one’s ever heard of” or the same Pop-Punk song from 20 years ago, side stuff for sure.

Winner Winner?

The account that gets the chicken dinner, is both of them getting to split the leg and the thigh. The top artists really do encompass my year and I do like to take my sad music a little slow in the mornings, so an slightly uneven tie it is.

.

.

.

Coming Up: Like always that was a fun little moment and to follow I will get into Akward Class Favorites 2022, however not right away because Jai is behind and has several concert posts that may or may not get posted first. Let’s see what I can get posted before the literal end of the year.

[tomorrowyoullbeworldsaway]

It’s another day where I wish I could write beautiful words. Aren’t I wasting my time doing anything else? I wish I could play guitar, I’ve never tried but I’ve always assumed I’d be bad at it. My friend says he’s glad he started learning because his life felt empty beforehand. I know he’s telling the truth because he told me how scared he was of doing nothing right before he started playing. We went to a concert that got him to play guitar and got me to start dressing goth again. I say again but maybe I’ve never looked like this before. I flash back to ninth grade outfits that I cut to squeeze and show my body far too sexually because if I was walking sex I wouldn’t have to be a person. Now my push up bras lie discarded in bottom drawers, too small for me now anyway. I tease my hair and I put in a binder (I need to stop getting ready in that order) and maybe what I am still isn’t a person. Maybe the hair covering my eyes really does serve as a blackout curtain to my soul but I’m more comfortable in my own skin now than before. Maybe what I really flash back to is fourth grade. Likely not my first time trying on makeup but the day I told my friend to try and give me goth makeup because I wanted to look like Winona Ryder did in beetlejuice. I think back to the cds I had when I was twelve that I played every night in order to fall asleep. My favorite songs from back than jumble together but I know I loved the smiths because sometimes I hear songs I never knew I’d heard and I know all the lyrics. And it’s funny that my fourth grade goth phase made me certain I would never have an emo phase until seventh grade hit and I realized my chemical romance was becoming my favorite band. Some days it feels easiest to look at my life trajectory through makeup styles. Blue eyeshadow turned black turned gold turned red. Pencil liners turned liquid and used in a million ways until I decided i liked eyeshadow better. When I think about writing I think about how I always fuck up essays because I never make a point I always just list facts and observations because they’re what I know is right. I think about what I’m writing now, how I’ve jumped from topic to topic and how none of it is worth shit but I suppose I don’t care what it’s worth to read because I liked writing it. I’m too scared to learn guitar now because all my friends are doing it and I don’t want to look scared to be left out (my biggest fear has always been to be left out) so I plan to learn it someday when I decide I’m unfulfilled in life. It scares me to think that I’ll never join a band but I guess it doesn’t matter because I don’t think I’ll ever be alone either. Sorry for only rambling, I suppose I still don’t owe this void I post to anything but I swear I’ll write more of a poem soon