#Though I think it's ambiguous enough to interpret it as their ghost form looking the age of their human form the last time they were in it.

[asjjohnson]

Immortality

(a ficlet written for Dannymay 2024 prompt 6: Immortal AU: What if Danny/Halfas couldn’t die?) Also on AO3.

---

He actually didn’t know whether halfas were immortal or just lived longer than humans.

Now at around age 140, give or take a few years (what year was it now? he could calculate it), Danny was an old man in his human form—wrinkled skin hanging from his arms and face like unironed fabric; hunched over to half his original height, bones grated down as though left exposed outside over the past decades; eyes milked over; ears inadequate despite their larger size; mind fogged.

He had no one to look to. A few years ago, or maybe a decade or two ago, he’d searched the Zone for any sign or rumor of the existence of other halfas. He wasn’t sure how long he’d searched, talking to distant ghosts, visiting places he never could have imagined existed, the Ghost Zone stretching on and on, toward infinity, before he’d given it up as a lost cause.

Vlad (though only a few years older than Danny and thus wouldn’t have been of much help anyhow) never returns to his human form. Had stopped living as a human altogether once he’d realized he was ‘growing old’.

Of course, this had been before Vlad was anywhere near an old man. Back when he’d only been about 60 years old. A few wrinkles and thinning hair, and his vanity and pride had had him abandoning his human half completely.

Not to the extreme of extracting that part of himself, of course—he had known better by that age—but of denying its existence; living solely as a ghost.

Danny had grown fond of humanity, however. The light touch of gravity, an embrace that kept him tethered to reality; the life found everywhere he looked, in the grass at his feet, in the air around him, or even just walking by him—so unlike the void of the Ghost Zone, the vast empty space with small pockets of ecto-life scattered across its depths; even the ache in his bones, the proof that he was alive, still belonging to this planet. It was all fondness.

Even as his senses continued to fade—the details of leaves and faces blurring even with thick glasses, the chittering of birds growing silent even with hearing aids, the difficulty of holding objects (connecting with the world around him) with pain and trembling hands—he clung ever more to the human world and its small wonders.

And though all his human friends from over a hundred years ago might be lost, he wasn’t alone.

They were still here.

Alive and well, living echoes seen in their grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, and teenaged great-great-great-grandchildren. A town composed of familiar faces. And sometimes those echoes were so strong, he called someone by the wrong name.

Matilda wears a black shirt one day and, even with the pink floral patterns, Sam is so strong within her.

Derek tries out for football, and the way his smile pulls across his face is all Dash, even through the freckles and shaggy brown hair.

Nicky’s righteous glare is Valerie shining straight from his heart. Although the light in his eyes as he talks about psychology is all Jazz.

Danny was trying. Trying so hard to stay with them all, as they continued to live, fully alive, forever onward.

He didn’t know whether halfas were immortal.

[tocrackerboxpalace]

Le Rêve - Part 5

Summary: John goes to a certain friend to seek advice. Paul has an eerily similar idea.

The door cracked open, and Brian stared back at him in surprise.

John pushed his way into the room, ignoring the flutter of guilt as Brian stumbled backwards. His eyes followed John closely as he crossed the room, surely taking in the unsettling blend of anger and nerves. Brian slowly closed the door behind him as John irritably shoved a stack of papers off of the armchair and lowered himself into it. It was then that he realized he must have been in a bad sort, because the action garnered no sour or disapproving glares.

“Everything all right, John?” He tugged self-consciously at the belt on his gown, pulling the fabric closer around him.

No. John scoffed. Everything is quite the opposite of all right, thanks. Making no attempt to hide the bitterness in his voice, John replied stiffly: “Eppy, I need your help with something.”

Brian took a seat opposite him on the edge of the bed, crossing an ankle over his knee apprehensively. John averted his gaze, seeing and hearing only Paul as the bed dipped with a creak. He fingered the fringe on the armchair, pushing the scene away and with it, hopefully, some of his animosity. It would be no use if he uncontrollably berated perhaps the only man he knew that could help him.

“Right,” Brian replied. John could practically feel the probing gaze burning into his side. “What is it?”

John stared back at him, dumbfounded. The idea that he’d have to explain himself to get Eppy’s advice had never actually occurred to him before this moment.

What could he possibly say? Hey, Eppy. Paul’s been having wet dreams about me, so we almost fucked. Did practically everything but the actual shagging. But we didn’t, because George walked in on it and ran to tell Ringo and God knows who else, while Paul and I screamed at each other and may have effectively ended the Beatles and also our lives.

John almost laughed. Oh, and one more thing. It was my idea in the first place, because I think I’m fucking in love with him.

He was buzzing with hundreds of thousands of thoughts, his mind never having felt so full. Dozens of clips played simultaneously in his memory: Paul’s stare, his shame, his wonder, his willingness, his arousal, his unraveling. His fear, his shock, his pain. And then nothing.

John would punch himself, if he could. Perhaps that’s what he should’ve done instead. Snuck out the back alley and taunted a right frightening lad, until he could get what he bloody deserved and be beaten to a pulp. It sounded far better and warranted than sitting in Brian’s room in heart-wrenching silence.

He had to be fucking crazy to suggest the reenactment. There was no other explanation for it; no one in their right mind would put their entire livelihood on the line for such fleeting pleasure. There were what-if’s about his future and the band’s endurance, of course. But they took the backseat to his concerns over him and Paul. As individuals, rather than bandmates or friends or even lovers. John’s mind knew all too well that their dynamic could never be: societally speaking, yes, but personally, too. Paul knew John—and was far too smart to chain himself to such a burden.

All of John’s fears that had developed over the past few weeks had looked him in the eye tonight and told him that they’d dreamt of having sex with him. They had moaned into his ear, the most beautifully obscene sounds expressed just for him. Just for him, and not some other bird; for a moment, there was no need to pretend anymore.

What might have been the most painful, John reckoned, was that they had let him kiss them. A shock traveled down John’s spine. Paul had let John kiss him, and Paul had kissed back. It was the first time in their sudden union that feeling shot somewhere besides John’s cock. When Paul’s lips nipped at his with abrupt insistence, John could’ve wept.

John could be stripped of everything he had, and still go on. Possessions, wealth, fame, dignity, sense of self—it was all meaningless. The only thing he couldn’t bear was the thought of losing Paul. A life where John could not cling to the hope of holding Paul tightly; of feeling Paul’s breath on his own; of cradling his head in his hands and ghosting his fingertips across sinfully sweet eyelashes and arched eyebrows that would taunt Marilyn and a nose sculpted by Phidias and lips that were made from the stardust on Mars; was not a life worth living.

For a long time, they were silent.

Brian was watching him with guarded apprehension. John could ask the practical questions that even then felt too incriminating. How do you know if you’re gay? When did you realize? What did you do? What do I do?

“I’m not sure how to help you,” Brian started, his voice careful and soft despite jarring John out of his trainwreck of thought, “if you don’t share what’s got you so worked up.”

John swallowed. The next part had to come very carefully, or his cover would be blown. Though he knew he was only delaying the inevitable, somehow, the fact that Brian remain oblivious to the details was crucial to him.

“I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.” He spoke slowly, refusing eye contact. “It was something I’d thought about, but I went too far.” A shaky breath. “A-and… I’m not sure—I don’t know if I can fix it.”

Something just short of clarity sparked in Brian’s eyes. John’s face grew hot with shame, albeit swearing he didn’t give away anything unnecessary.

“Well,” Brian opened. His eyes were too kind. If only he knew. “We all make mistakes. Even if you think you’ve never messed up this badly, it’s all right. Time moves forward and life goes on. You can’t change what’s been done now. But you can take your best shot at apologetics. If this person—if there is a person—and they really love you, you can always fix it.”

John’s heart gave an uncomfortable twitch at the mention of “love”.

Brian shifted closer to John, reaching towards the arm of the chair. He tentatively rested a hand on top of John’s, and though he knew the intention was reassurance, the gesture made him feel sick. An odd expression crossed his face, the twitch enough to capture John’s gaze, but it was gone before he could interpret it. John’s gaze flicked to Brian’s lips. They were pressed together tightly, forming a worried line.

A striking realization occurred to him. John could lean in, right now. He could pry the lips open with his own. A bit of a shift in his chair, and all he had to do was tip forward. Brian would let him; he knew that.

Then, as he deepened the kiss, heightened the circumstances, he would know. He wouldn’t have to try and ambiguously skirt around the problem to get Eppy’s advice. John would know, for sure. Whether it was himself, or whether it was…

“Eppy? Eppy, you in there?” Despite the rapid succession of about seven knocks, the voice wasted no time waiting for a response and slipping inside the door. John lurched back into the chair, despite not actually having gotten closer.

Whether it was just Paul.

“Eppy, I need your help with something.” The words tumbled out of Paul’s mouth, his back still turned to the room as he went to close (and lock, mind you) the door. When he turned around, his eyes immediately fell on John’s face and he went still.

“Oh,” he said, hoarsely.

John’s mind was absolutely blank, his stomach twisting grossly. His mind had lost the ability to spontaneously produce language as he gaped at the man in front of him. He hadn’t intended on seeing Paul for quite a while after tonight, and the shock of his presence right now was utterly baffling. The two stared at each other for far too long, neither making any effort to move or speak. It was only when Brian piped up that their stares finally shifted from the other.

“Paul?” The inquiry held much more than the one word. “Are you all right?”

John watched Paul’s head twitch a bit, almost as if he were about to shake it. Both boys very well knew the answer to that question.

Paul forced a distracted smile in Brian’s direction. “Right chuffed.”

Interesting choice of words, there. John’s nose crinkled into a scowl.

Brian’s gaze continued to drag between the two of them almost curiously. He was no fool; John knew he was sensing the tension that seemed far from their regular spats. He didn't intervene, though. Only watched.

Finally, John worked up the courage to spew in Paul’s direction. The words carried just as much bitterness as he’d intended. “What are you doing here?”

Paul blinked. “I need Brian’s…” He faltered. “Advice.”

John snorted. His heart was hammering so violently in his chest he was sure the room could hear it. The reality of seeing Paul again so suddenly was blinding. God, he wanted to hurt him. He wanted nothing more than to break Paul, to cut so deep that Paul could never in a million years guess what was truly going on in his head. “Ain’t that so,” he spat. “But, if you can’t tell, we’re in the middle of something. So kindly fuck off.”

“John.” Brian’s voice, a warning tone.

Paul’s expression twisted in sudden vitriol. His voice was low, directed entirely at John. “What is your fucking problem? I didn’t make you do a goddamn thing.”

Something cool settled in the pit of John’s stomach at Paul’s final quip. Don’t you think I fucking know that? he wanted to scream. Don’t you know that’s what I’m here for? To find out why?

Suddenly, the reality of the situation came rushing to him, and a newfound fury spiked his veins. Was Paul coming in here to tell Brian what happened? To tell him that John had made a pass at him, or something? John would be painted as the villain. As an attacker.

“Did you finish after I left?” John asked quietly.

The look on Paul’s face was a glittering trophy. Before he could answer, however, Brian abruptly rose to his feet. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but—”

No, no, no. “Don’t go,” John choked out hoarsely.

He shot John a warning glance. “—It doesn’t seem like any of my business. You two need to talk this out on your own.”

John hardly registered Brian grabbing his coat from the rack by the door and slipping out of the room. His eyes were trained on Paul’s, a vicious visual battle between the men that conveyed more than all words ever could. John felt Paul radiating towards him in ways that had no conceptualization, no name; just raw, unadulterated emotions. The pair had always been on that telepathic wavelength, though certainly it was no great pleasure for them now. The only identifiable sensation was vulnerability.

After a long time, Paul spoke. “John.”

John’s breath inexplicably caught in his throat. The words came out choked. “Don’t,” he rasped. “Don’t say it like that.”

Paul threw up his hands in exasperation, casting his gaze sideways. “I don’t know what you want me to do, John. I don’t know what you want from me. Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Is that what you want? An apology?”

It wouldn’t be until long after that John would realize it was an offer Paul never followed through on.

“It shouldn’t have happened. There’s a million reasons for that. I don’t know if either of us really even wanted it to. But it did, and you can’t—” Paul ran a shaking hand through his hair. “You’re not helping me figure this out. You can’t run away from this like it’s just another bother in your life, like… like I’m an inconvenience.” Paul’s lip trembled slightly. “Am I an inconvenience, John?”

John shrugged helplessly. It seemed like the wrong answer, but how do you give an answer to a question you don’t know?

“Fucking say something.”

John looked him dead in the eye. It was funny; Paul had always been teased for his eyes. They were droopy and wide in a cartoonish fashion, remarkably like that of a puppy, or a doe. His lips could form the most filthy utterances (as they often did, the cheeky bastard), but the meaning was washed away by the pure innocence of the eyes. They betrayed him at every turn; despite his best efforts, he would always be the “gentleman”, the “romantic”, the “cute Beatle”. A curse, or a blessing, who was to say? But it was different now. John no longer felt the childlike wonder they often conveyed, the underlying pep and charisma. They were blank now, laced with something quite sinister. They darkened, and rather than a warm pool of molasses John would dip into, they were an abyss. John wanted to claw away from them in a panic, but they had frozen him still.

Despite his mind screaming it was the right decision, it was impossible for John to swallow down the violent wrench of his heart. “Let’s just forget it ever happened.”

Paul’s eyes dropped to the floor, blinking rapidly. John dully noted the shine in them as tears threatened to breach the brim. Paul cleared his throat. “Okay.”

John offered a half-hearted handshake; a truce. It was a miserable attempt at reconciliation. Paul glanced at it with distain before shaking his head and turning on his heel.

John momentarily considered calling out after him. He took in a breath once, twice, but the words wouldn’t come. What could possibly be said?

Before Paul turned the doorknob, he glanced back in John’s direction. John’s stare raked over his form, and for the first time all night, the weight of the situation fully hit him. John’s vision blurred abruptly, and before he could make any move to stop it, silent tears began to slip out.

“John,” Paul started, his voice breaking. He paused for a moment, before wrenching the door open and leaving as promptly as he entered. There was nothing left to do, even if they tried.

They didn’t.

[caseyah]

.flow

I just finished playing through .flow, so I think I’ll try to give my full thoughts and interpretations on a lot of I found and experienced in the game (in the form of a series of points, because my thoughts are scattered even at the best of times).

for now I will be just be tackling characters roughly in order of how relevant I believe them to be to Sabitsuki’s life and experiences, while I will talk about Sabitsuki (and, by extension, Rust) at a later time.

CHARACTERS: 

Black-Haired Girl / Onigo: Sabitsuki’s life began with a death. Specifically, the death of her mother. Onigo represents the very few things Sabitsuki both remembers about her mother (her distinctive long black hair and blue dress) and what she was told by the hospital staff (the fact that she died giving birth to Sabitsuki). The reason why she dies so often in the game itself (childbirth event, every time you encounter her as Rust) is because thats all Sabitsuki can relate her with. Sabitsuki also likely feels guilt in relation to "causing” her mother’s death, as she manifests the idea in the form of the incredibly visceral Childbirth Event. 

Oreko: Sabitsuki’s childhood friend, another child who either “lived” in the hospital like Sabitsuki or simply another kid who met Sabitsuki during a time she was in the hospital. Oreko would grow interested in technology and machines as she grew older, eventually becoming something of a mechanic/scientist (though Sabitsuki likely never exactly understood what Oreko’s machines were, which is probably was she internalized them as looking quite bizarre and scary). She also likely had a very big interest in the seas, explaining why she wears the divers helmet and why Sabitsuki associates her with the ocean. Oreko was Sabitsuki’s only companion in any sense throughout the majority of her life, someone who was there for Sabitsuki no matter how much abuse Sabi sustained from society or no matter how bad Sabi’s illness got. Unfortunately, Oreko’s life would eventually be cut short. Sabitsuki most likely never figured out how her best friend perished and was likely in denial about it for some time before making peace with it (Finding Oreko’s ghost requires interacting with her “alive” self a decent amount, and the area her specter is found in is relatively calm compared to most other areas containing significant characters). Oreko’s final appearance to Rust in deadhole could be the last remaining shred of “normal” Sabitsuki having one last memory of her best friend, before she disappears and only Rust remains.

School Girl/Kaibutsu Sabitsuki: Sabitsuki’s manifestation of what she once was/fears she could become again, the one who was harmed by and later took revenge on Smile and the one Sabitsuki is always running from to some extent. School was likely a very, very bad time for Sabitsuki on a personal level, possibly due to Oreko’s death (though there isn’t anything that really indicates when Oreko’s death happened in relation to Sabitsuki’s life so it could be for any currently unknown reason). Kaibutsu Sabitsuki is what Sabitsuki remembers herself as during that time: a violent monster who hurt the only person Sabitsuki was even remotely close to at the time.

Smile: Though Smile is obviously a very significant person in Sabitsuki’s life, exactly what their relationship was and Smile’s history in general is very vague. His appearance in Disposal is likely a representation of his first meeting with Sabitsuki, as he isn’t wearing his usual outfit and lacks his tattoos (their appearance while as Rust may just be because Rust always sees Smile as his “true” self) and seems to react to Sabitsuki’s presence with mild confusion more then anything else. They later met properly during school, where by this point Smile had gained his tattoos and they obviously had formed a relationship of some sort (whether it was just an acquaintanceship, a friendship, or something more significant isn’t exactly clear but Smile was at least comfortable enough around Sabitsuki to have her visit his house and meet his sister). Unfortunately, their ambiguous relationship didn’t last. Sabitsuki’s corrupted school event shows what I believe is likely the end of their relationship and the last time they ever interacted with eachother. For one reason or another, and I suspect the cause was likely Sabitsuki herself, Smile attacked Sabi in the basement of the school. On a personal level, Sabitsuki likely viewed this as an injustice against herself (even if Smile was likely only doing what had to be done) which is why Rust later imagines herself getting revenge against the boy.

The Cleaners: The Cleaners are people who “clean up” (i.e. kill) those with the illness Sabitsuki suffers from. At some point in the past, they massacred the residents of the hospital Sabitsuki was staying in (as seen in 0.16) but left her alive for whatever reason, taking her away to live an actual life beyond the hospital walls. Why they spared Sabitsuki specifically isn’t something I can explain really, but its possible she was simply much less far along in her illness compared to the others and had the potential to be “saved”. Sabitsuki likely doesn’t view the Cleaners as a threat or “enemies” as it were and rather seems fairly neutral about them despite understanding what they do on some level (as seen by obtaining the limbless effect from one’s chainsaw). The Cleaners also had a second purpose asides from their main directive: working at the Sugar Hole (or whatever its “real” equivalent may be). Given Sabitsuki’s fondness of the place (it being one of very few areas in .flow that aren’t directly threatening or foreboding in some way), its possible The Cleaners brought her to the Sugar Hole shortly after leaving the Hospital with Sabi.

The Girl In The Yellow Dress: Buried far in Sabitsuki’s subconscious are the few memories focused on a mysterious girl known only for her faded, dirty yellow dress. Though not strictly always buried far beneath (being seen in Deterioration very easily while smoking in the hall) and never reacting to Sabi’s presence, she is clearly someone Sabitsuki lost tragically and has done her best to bury all the remaining memories of. So, who is this girl? Though my theory is abit shakier thanks to just how vague a character she is, I believe the Yellow Dress Girl to have been a sex worker who briefly acted as Sabitsuki’s caretaker before she somehow met her end. Maybe through knowing the Cleaners somehow or just being in the right place at the right time, this girl ended up as the guardian to a young Sabitsuki. Working as a prostitute (either already her job or something she took up to support Sabitsuki), the young Sabitsuki grew to genuinely appreciate this girl as a motherly figure and they briefly shared a legitimately nice life together (as seen in the “sugar float days” event). However, it didn’t last, and thanks to the darker side of her job creeping up and taking over her life, the Yellow Dress Girl ended up separated from Sabitsuki and possibly even dead. Sabitsuki, unable to properly deal with the trauma of losing someone who did so much for her and she held so dearly, repressed the memories of her and pushed the Yellow Dress Girl into the furthest points of her mind, where memories of the good times were fleeting and brief while memories of the end lingered unchanging.

Little Sabitsuki: Little Sabitsuki is fairly self-explanatory: she represents how Sabitsuki remembers herself as a child, either weak and bedridden (hospital), or lost and forgotten (snow world). Little Sabi’s condition worsening as regular Sabitsuki’s does could represent just how sick Sabi truly believes she is, unable to see even her past self as anything but diseased and broken. Sabitsuki never got to experience a “proper” childhood, she has no memories beyond the hospital, the overgrown halls, and the cold.

The Inner Demon: Underneath it all, this is how Sabitsuki truly sees herself. A bloody, diseased demon who exists only to cause suffering to both the world and people around her, aswell as her self. A manifestation of all of Sabitsuki’s sins and wrongdoings in the form of a dark mirror, buried so far deep within Sabitsuki’s subconscious the idea of confronting it leads Sabi to vomit her own blood in anxiety and terror. Only once Sabitsuki sheds her sense of self and becomes Rust can she properly confront her demon. The years and years of self-loathing building up from her birth, to her disease, to the loss of her friends, to the loss of control, to the loss of her self, leads Rust to perform a metaphorical suicide as she beats the demon to death as the final action taken in her own subconscious.

Kaibutsu: What Sabitsuki fears she will become should her illness completely take over. They take the form of grown-up versions of her fellow children at the hospital, possibly meaning that she believes all of them would be doomed to become a Kaibutsu, or perhaps that she saw multiple children become Kaibutsu at the hospital.

Fetuses: Sabitsuki’s physical manifestation of her illness, only appearing by the time Rust takes over (as while Sabitsuki rejects and is terrified of the illness, Rust embraces it).

Takibi-san: A homeless girl Sabitsuki spent a small amount of time around after leaving the hospital. Sabi mostly remembers her thanks to Takibi’s distinctive pink hair, a very uncommon trait in .flow’s world.

While this is all for now, I do plan to do a similar analysis for Sabitsuki and Rust. If that goes well enough and I still feel up to it afterwards, I will do another two analysises for the maps and the effects.

[aeondeug]

So I have stated that I am fond of the ambiguity of whether or not what is happening is supernatural or mundane and explainable by science. That’s a thing that I think is very cool. It could be magic or it could not be. Some of the things push it very hard to one side, like Tain Shir’s seeming complete inability to fucking die. But other things are like oh yeah Baru’s got brain damage and also we fed her like a fuck ton of drugs. Part of why I like this is that it lets these moments be what I need them to be. Because, in a way, I need them to be both magical and non-magical. It needs to be both and the only way for it to be both is if it is left in this weird ambiguous space it’s currently in.

Is it science? Is it magic? Who knows! It could be either. And because it can be either it is both.

Now a case where this is especially potent for me is the duel scene towards the end of the book. Baru’s taking a step forward finally can either be, a, Baru’s being literally possessed by the soul of Tain Hu or, b, Baru’s mental illness and brain damage resulting in an effect that looks like that. It can be, from what I have in the second book, either of these two things. But I need it to be both of them. Personally. I need it to be both of them. And here is why.

So like I do very much need it to be Tain Hu. Because doing shit alone is hard. Indeed, it’s impossible to actually truly be happy and well adjusted alone. Humans can’t do that. That is impossible. So it needs to be Tain Hu. Because Baru can’t be alone in this. Now one can go, ok, but maybe then it can just be like Tain Hu is there in spirit. And like. Yes. I suppose.

But that’s honestly not enough for me much of the time. I’m a religious person. Specifically a Gaelic polytheist and a formerly practicing Buddhist. The formerly practicing part is due to poor experiences. The sort that often lead people to just not believing anymore. I actually can’t really seem to do that, though. I suppose it might sound dumb or weak or something. But I do need to be able to believe that there’s more going on. I do need to be able to believe in things like little straw crosses that protect the home from burning down and that there’s a magical 1000 armed lady out there who answers the calls of those in most desperate need. Believing in such things helps keep me going and helps keep me strong enough to keep going. Even if things look absolutely hopeless I can still get up and keep going because I believe that even if I fail it’s not over. There’s a sort of terror in the Samsaric cycle, but at the same time if you look at it one way. It means there’s always another chance.

So I do need it to be literally Tain Hu. Because life’s fucking hard. Too hard at times. So hard that I need to believe that yeah no the magical ghost of Baru’s dead girlfriend can show the fuck up and help her through a very tough thing that she can’t do on her own. That this is a thing that can happen and then does happen.

But at the same time I need it to also be not that. I need it to be just Baru down there. She has Tau beside her. She has Tain Hu in a sense. Not in the reality of her still being there, but in a figurative sense. She’s got the strength that Tain Hu has left her with, even if she’s kind of extremely fucked up and in poor shape mentally.

And even though she’s scared and even though she’s mentally fucked to hell and back and even though she’s got a horrible brain injury, Baru is able to take the step forward on her own and make the decision. This is honestly really not The Best Coping Mechanism. But like coping mechanisms are just that. Coping mechanisms. They’re things we need at the moment to move and they can be grown past. Perhaps we look back and shudder in horror, but like at the time we needed that to keep moving.

So even if I acknowledge that we very much do need to get Baru’s sense of self back in fucking order, Baru currently has a mechanism by which she can take action. It’s not the best method. It’s not a solution. It’s something I think she’ll need to move past to really get better. But it’s what she’s got now and it helped her make one big and very scary step forward. It’s a form of agency. And she’s capable of that even in this very, very terrible position. She’s strong enough to manage that.

And I need to be able to look at myself and see that, yes, even if I am incredibly fucked up due to like the BPD and what not that I can move forward of my own power. That I don’t need otherworldly help. That I can actually do things on my own. I can’t exist as an island, but I also can’t be so dependent on others that I do nothing.

So like if it can both be just Baru and be Baru and Tain Hu then I can have all of these things. I can have it be an acknowledgement that no man is an island. I can have it be an acknowledgement that sometimes you really just need the help of a lady with 1000 arms and 11 heads. I can have it be an acknowledgement that while I need other people to thrive that I also have agency and I need to be able to wield said agency. I can have it be an acknowledgement that coping mechanisms, even if we move past them, can save you and can be vital in your recovery process.

I can have it be all of these things because Dickinson at no point said in the book “It is only one of these things”. And part of how he manages to avoid saying that is by letting it both be magic and mundane. By leaving that possibility open, he has left so many possibilities not just open but apparent. Fiction is infinitely interpretable by many, many people and even by the same person alone. And sometimes the artist can provide us clues that this is the case. And they can provide us encouragement to make those infinite interpretations. This I think is what the choice to leave it open to such seemingly diametrically opposed answer does. It makes us notice that it can be many things and that we have to decide what it means. And it makes us notice that we don’t necessarily have to be devoted wholly to one answer or the other.

[rebornlaracroft]

FFXV: On Episode Ignis (SPOILERS) - (Another) Emotional Breakdown/ Review (kind of, still crying) OR "How to get a DLC right (in my opinion)" & Thank You to the FFXV Development Team!

When I wrote my emotional breakdown/review back in November of 2016 I had no idea that I would indeed write another one, especially on FFXV. I thought I had already said everything I had to say about that game, well serves me right for being wrong. And damn I'm happy that I'm wrong.

WARNING: THERE OBVIOUSLY WILL BE SPOILERS FOR BOTH THE MAIN GAME AND ALL THE DLC!

As I said back then FFXV is a great game, while I acknowledge it's flaws and the wasted potential in some parts (which could still be changed next year it seems?) I also appreciate it for what it is. The game left a huge impact on me back then, an impact that still has it's effect even one year later, perhaps because the game is still present through the DLCs but I guess there's more to it then that.

First off: I liked all DLC episodes, Gladios probably the least because of kinda lacking story and the focus on battle which was fun but nothing more then that unfortunately. Promptos was way better, resolution regarding the conflict on who he actually is, or rather what he is and (B)A(E)ranea, I mean she's a fan favorite, right? (Notice: And yes while I agree that the DLC could/should have been part of the main game, I just accepted the DLC issue that's been present for year now with all kinds of games and they did deliver great content for the money so in my opinion it was worth it!)

But episode Ignis is different from both of them, different in a way I had never expected it to be, different in the way that it gave us the happy ending we've been wanting for a whole year now!

But before I get into that, let's talk about the Episode. It was as emotional as I had expected, seeing Ravus was amazing, although he only was there for a short amount of time until we had to fight him. I wish that part would have been a little longer. His scene with Luna was heartbreaking, seeing her drifting away... I really like Luna, even if she isn't as developed as she could be, I like her and I wish that alternate path would have given us a way to save her too. I would have liked a little flashback though, some kind of talk between Ravus and Luna about their fate as part of the Kanagi prophecy or whatever you may call it, preferably when they were both children or teenagers since Ravus mentioned themselves as children when Regis left them. It would have been a really nice addition.

Regarding flashbacks or rather flashforwards/visions... Ignis actually knew HOW Noctis was destined to die, how he had to sacrifice himself, be killed by an entity that once was his own father just for the sake of their world. I can't imagine what kind of burden that was for him, considering that was one of the very last things he ever saw, something that mist have been burned into his mind, his very best friend serving as a sacrifice to save everyone.

Now on to Ignis' sacrifice... obviously as painful as I had anticipated, but also a badass fight against Ardyn! Being given the choice (well not really, since you can only follow the actual story the first time you play it) was really interesting and probably one of the best additions they could have made. Since the second choice gives us something none of us could have ever anticipated, something probably all of us have wished for since we finished the game - an actual good ending.

Now I don't mean to say the real ending isn't good, it is, it's fitting, it's the way it's meant to be. But having an alternate, better, ending is something that I really wanted, it doesn't have to be the true ending but I just want to see them happy, not just in my mind but also on the screen! Many people wished for that option and it seems they listened, I don't know if they intended that alternate ending to be included since the beginning or if they actually included it because the fans wanted it? I would suppose it's the second one, its just nice to think that way! Anyway on to the ending. The battle against Ardyn was really hard but considering what we get after it it's definitely worth it! Once again we get Ignis sacrificing everything he has to save Noctis, at least I had to. I had to sacrifice my senses, my body and lastly my life. I don't know if you can finish the battle without having to give up everything? Defeating Ardyn leads to Noctis gaining a stronger resolve then before, he doesn't want to leave anyone alone, he understands that he isn't alone and that he doesn't have to bear that burden alone. Due to timeline changes Ravus survives as well! We see all the important characters, everyone coming together seemingly to fight the darkness, to hold out ten more years for Noctis to come back and for all of them to fight together. Somehow it seems Ignis isn't blind this time, maybe Noctis healed him before he went into the Crystal, it seemed that way at least. It's very ambiguous, not everything is precisely explained but that's fine, it's beautiful, it's what I wanted all along. The four comrades, friends, brothers enter the final battle together even with Ravus by their side, an older Ravus that has finally been able to acknowledge Noctis thus giving him his father's sword.

The very last scene after the sky brightens is Ignis standing in the throne room in front of Noctis who is sitting in the throne, mind that it's ONLY Ignis. He seems to form the word majesty in Japanese, though there was no sound.

THEORIES:

1. Everybody lives, everybody is happy, they fought together and somehow managed to avoid Noctis having to sacrifice himself since they were by his side, maybe they could all help in activating the crystals power together. That's what I think at least, they live, Noctis lives, all of them do and they managed to defeat the darkness, they finally finished their journey and returned home to rebuild Insomnia.

2. Ignis has died alongside Noctis. This could be possible because he had to give his life to use the ring, at least I had to eventually. Though why was he kept alive for 10 years? I don't know, but it's possible that his sacrifice was only made when Noctis returned and sacrificed himself as well? This would mean the last scene shows both of them as ghost like entities just like Noctis and Luna in the true ending. This could also explain why we don't hear Ignis say majesty, an artistic choice maybe, and why it's only him and Noctis. It would be a nice way of interpreting the ending as a Ignoct shipper.

Either way, I guess how you interpret this alternate ending is up to you! There's no clear explanation, not enough information, we don't see a sacrifice this time. The ending is brilliant, you can make of it what you want, it can be your perfect ending if you want it to be and that's just wonderful. It's the greatest addition they've given us with those DLC, one that only worked in Ignis episode!

I don't remember exactly when they take place, but we get some new scenes during the credits and before or after, a talk between Ignis and Noctis after the famous last camp scene. Another very beautiful and emotional moment between the characters. It doesn't matter whether you ship any of them or not but that camp scene in the main game made it clear that they LOVE each other. After what they've been through they have such a deep connection, all of them have this wonderful bond. Bit Ignis also has his duty, a duty of protection, for him Noctis is his very purpose! I don't want to belittle the other characters in saying that they don't feel the same way, but Ignis is different, it's difficult to explain but there's a reason for why only he got this additional camp scene with Noctis, one that once again shows their love for each other, the suffering they cause each other. Noctis blames himself for what happened to Ignis and Ignis blames himself for what is going to happen to Noctis because he couldn't avoid it (at least not in this timeline). It's a mutual connection the other two don't share in this exact way and that's what makes their relationship special and stand out in this scene. I would have liked Gladio and Prompto to get an extra scene too in their episodes but even this is enough for me.

The last thing I want to do is to give a HUGE THANK YOU to the development team for giving their best at the DLCs and especially for this very episode! They did an amazing job, they gave the fans excalty what they wanted and I couldn't be happier now! I really do love this game despite its flaws and issues and I'm looking forward to seeing what they'll give us next year, I think episode Ardyn was confirmed, hopefully episode Luna too! Episode Aranea and Ravus would be awesome too, given that both are amazing characters and Aranea is a fan favorite and both deserve more love!

[deadsince1973]

OMG, thank you for asking! I’ve been hinting about this in my tags for a while now and nobody’s ever asked, so I’ve been really debating about whether I should post this or not! (Although, to be fair, it was also because I knew this was going to be long, and I felt too lazy to type it all up.)

I just want to start by saying I cannot emphasize enough that I don’t want to take away from anyone’s love for the Captain! If you find him positive representation and relatable, then I support your happiness in this!

But, that being said, I think Them There/Six Idiots’s representation of gay and trans characters is not very good. I could bring in examples from their other works (i.e. Yonderland and Bill), but I’ll try to limit myself to the Captain.

I’ve seen people say things like, “It’s so great to see a gay man where his sexuality isn’t the joke!” But, it is the joke. It’s the whole joke! Okay, to be fair, it’s only half the joke, because the other half is how militaristic he is. But when the joke is about him being attracted to someone, the whole joke is that he’s gay! Take for example when he first sees Mike. Humor exists in the subversion of expectations. Thomas says, “Let me pluck out my eyes, for I shall never see such beauty again,” as the camera shows Alison. Then the Captain says, “Yes.” There’s a pause, where the audience assumes he’s also talking about Alison. But then he adds, “He’d make a very fine soldier,” and we laugh because our heteronormative expectations have been subverted. The Captain is gay. That’s what’s funny! The Captain then clears his throat. We understand that he’s not out and proud. He’s not unashamed of his lust, the way Thomas and Kitty are. The facade of a straight man is maintained, allowing the show to continue to exploit the gap between the behavior expected of a straight man and the Captain’s behavior for laughs. If the joke goes beyond his being gay, it’s that he’s gay and closeted.

Now, you could argue that that wasn’t the joke, that the joke was that he was so invested in his military lifestyle that he conflated it with his sexuality. In other words, the joke was that he was attracted to soldiers, not all men. But that’s not the case at all, because no other case of him combining his fascination with war with attraction to anybody is ever shown. Additionally, because of the heteronormative bias we’re all immersed in every day (not to mention the very real behavior of military recruiters and real-life soldiers), we just more firmly expect a person with an unspecified sexuality to be straight than we do for an army captain to not look at the world and every person in it through a military lens. In other words, there’s more of a gap between our expectations of his sexuality and its subversion than there is between our expectations of appropriate behavior for an army captain and its subversion to exploit. Therefore, even though both his being attracted to a man and the reason why/the way he chooses to express that attraction are humorous, the bulk of our laugh comes from the realization of his sexuality. In order to exploit his expression of his lust in the form of military recruitment for laughs, the writers would have needed to remove the question of his sexuality from the joke altogether. To do this, they would have had to establish his sexuality explicitly and unambiguously before this scene. They did not do that.

You could then argue that that was the first joke, and it established his sexuality, and none of the jokes about his attraction afterwards exploited that expectation. But, as I said above, they still did not make his sexuality explicit. He pretends to be straight, and so we expect him to act straight. That’s as good as actually expecting him to be straight before the first joke for the purposes of laughs. Either way, we expect him to act straight, and so when he acts gay, he subverts our expectations and makes us laugh. Again, the whole joke is that he’s gay.

I’d like to turn now to the way his sexuality is treated in the serious parts, how it’s treated outside of the jokes. I do want to add the caveat here that I don’t find this show emotionally compelling at all, the way a lot of people do. So I am coming at it from that point of view.

After the first season, I said I would be more okay with them exploiting the Captain’s being closeted for laughs if they actually seriously addressed what it’s like to be a closeted gay man. For the record, I know Ben Willbond said in at least one interview that he didn’t want to “ge[t] too deep about it because it is just a comedy.” Personally, I don’t agree with that point of view. I believe that if you’re going to deal with a socially sensitive issue in a comedy, you should give the weight it deserves. I don’t believe everything in a comedy has to be for laughs. Perhaps if you find the Captain emotionally compelling, you would disagree with me that his experience with his sexuality needs to be treated earnestly (and you probably agree with me that not everything in a comedy has to be for laughs). I can respect that opinion, but I’m afraid I do not share it. I would have liked to have seen an explicit depiction of his experience and struggles with his sexuality.

Which brings me, of course, to Redding Weddy. Frankly, I think the Captain throughout the entire show is barely one step away from queerbaiting. Yes, at least there’s never any hint of his actually being heterosexual. That’s a slight improvement from most queerbaiting. But they still never make his sexuality explicit. To my knowledge, none of Them There have even said the words “gay” or “homosexual” in an interview in relation to the Captain. It’s an unspoken understanding between the show and the audience, and that leaves the character open to interpretation. There are allegedly fans out there who still do not believe the Captain is gay. And to my mind, Redding Weddy just gives those fans ammunition.

Redding Weddy is ambiguous. The Captain is clearly as horny as a goat for his lieutenant. But at the same time, even then, even in a flashback, even when the Captain is alone with the audience, we get no explicit confirmation of his sexuality. The Captain’s explanation of Operation William is unclear. It could be taken at face value. In that case, the Captain never wrote a letter to Havers, he really did just bury blueprints with the mine, and all the hinting that he was in love with Havers was just misdirection. At best, we can believe that both were true: that the Captain was in love with Havers, and the misdirection was in the story’s focus on his feelings to distract the audience from the fact that he was really buying secret blueprints. At worst, the whole thing was a misdirection, and he was never in love with Havers at all. I don’t believe that, but it is a perfectly reasonable interpretation. It could also be that the Captain was lying about the blueprints. In that case, he really did write a love letter to Havers and hide it with the mine, only concocting the story about the blueprints and the whole operation being called “Operation William” at the last minute when he needed to explain the mine to Alison. That makes less sense to me, because why would he need to mention the paper and the name William at all, now that it had been blown up? However, you could still explain that away by him being afraid that the letter survived and trying to pre-empt any questions, should the letter ever be found. That’s a bit too much of a stretch in my opinion, but still not a totally unreasonable explanation. I think it’s significant that none of the other ghosts weighed in on the story, even though at least one or two of them must have seen or heard something. I think the story was kept deliberately ambiguous in order to keep the Captain’s very obvious sexuality as vague as was still possible. I don’t like that.

What I would have liked to have seen, more than anything else in regards to the Captain, is for them to have treated his sexuality the same way they treated Kitty’s race: as completely inconsequential. I’m not good enough with history to know exactly when Kitty lived and died, but she’s supposed to be a noble, or at least rich, Georgian woman, right? Google tells me that slavery was not abolished in the British Empire until 1833, under the reign of William IV (who, as I know we all remember from The Monarchs Song, came after George IV). Would a black woman have been granted dignity and respect in the heart of an empire built by the labor of people enslaved with no justification other than the color of their skin? If I’m wrong, please correct me, but I don’t expect so.

I do understand the need for both types of stories. I understand that there’s value in stories about a person of color, or a woman, or a member of any other minority or disadvantaged group fighting for equality and gaining ground. It’s good to have stories that explicitly support equality. But it is my opinion that there’s also value in simply presenting that equality, as unrealistic as it might now seem. It normalizes that equality, and it lets people who identify with one of the disadvantaged groups feel included. That’s why I love seeing a black woman being a Georgian noblewoman, because why shouldn't black people be able to dream of belonging to any period of British history that they want to? None of us can time travel, so it’s no more unrealistic for a black person to dream that than a white person. And that’s why I would have liked to have seen the same thing with the Captain. No, of course homosexuality was not accepted in the 40′s. But why shouldn’t we be able to pretend that it was? Why can’t we just see a gay man being treated completely equally to everyone else, irrespective of his sexuality? Why can’t we let gay men and maybe even others who identify as anything other than cis and straight dream of being able to be themselves in any historical era that they want to? That’s why I would very much have preferred if the Captain was just out, that they used a word like “gay” or “homosexual” on the show in reference to him, and if the whole joke of his character was just his military ways. Possibly mixed with how horny he is, just like Thomas or Kitty. But, in that case, as with Kitty and Thomas, the joke would not have been that he was gay, it would have just been that he wanted carnal satisfaction when he had no physical form. That would have been much better representation in my opinion.

This has all be in answer to the question above, posed on my post about how the Captain dancing with a gay couple at the end of season 2 was magical. I stand by that. I want the Captain to be out and happy, and him indulging himself and being comfortable with his sexuality makes me happy. But the fact that his sexual orientation is so often the butt of jokes, that they never address his struggles about getting comfortable with himself, and that they never dignify him by saying his sexuality out loud makes me feel frustrated and disappointed.

[kaorym]

Jonerys Confirmed?

I’ve read this and I have a few words

1)

First proof and... ok using a vision/prophecy/dream as a solid proof is not a good start.

Then phantoms shivered through the murk, images in indigo. Viserys screamed as the molten gold ran down his cheeks and filled his mouth. A tall lord with copper skin and silver-gold hair stood beneath the banner of a fiery stallion, a burning city behind him. Rubies flew like drops of blood from the chest of a dying prince, and he sank to his knees in the water and with his last breath murmured a woman's name. . . . mother of dragons, daughter of death . . . Glowing like sunset, a red sword was raised in the hand of a blue-eyed king who cast no shadow. A cloth dragon swayed on poles amidst a cheering crowd. From a smoking tower, a great stone beast took wing, breathing shadow fire. . . . mother of dragons, slayer of lies . . . Her silver was trotting through the grass, to a darkling stream beneath a sea of stars. A corpse stood at the prow of a ship, eyes bright in his dead face, grey lips smiling sadly. A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness. . . . mother of dragons, bride of fire . . .

I have seen this reference before as proof, but beyond pointing Jon existence and that he is at the Wall...I don’t see your point?

2)

When they emerged north of the Wall, through a thick door made of freshly hewn green wood, the wildling princess paused for a moment to gaze out across the snow-covered field where King Stannis had won his battle. Beyond, the haunted forest waited, dark and silent. The light of the half-moon turned Val's honey-blond hair a pale silver and left her cheeks as white as snow. She took a deep breath. "The air tastes sweet." Jon - ADWD

So, Val is a substitute of Dany? because her hair looks pale silver in the light of the moon?....... Really?

A stocky, silver-haired man in a sky-blue cloak and hammered moon-and-falcon breastplate helped her from the basket; Ser Vardis Egen, captain of Jon Arryn's household guard. Catelyn -AGOT

Ser Vardis frowned. Tyrion remembered him well from the years he had spent at King's Landing as the captain of the Hand's household guard. A square, plain face, silver hair, a heavy build, and no humor whatsoever.  Tyrion AGOT

Even at a distance, Ser Jaime Lannister was unmistakable. The moonlight had silvered his armor and the gold of his hair, and turned his crimson cloak to black. Catelyn - AGOT

Her mother Lady Alerie, silver-haired and handsome, still proud beside Mace Tyrell. Tyrion - ASOS

GRRM use it a lot, so your point is? OMG, Jon and Jaime!!! or is Jaime and Dany?

3)

Sometimes she would close her eyes and dream of him, but it was never Jorah Mormont she dreamed of; her lover was always younger and more comely, though his face remained a shifting shadow.  Daenerys - ACOK

As Sansa, Daenerys dreams of a handsome man. So? Almost all the girls in Westeros wants to be with a handsome boy. GRRM uses ‘Comely face’ to describe many men in the books but of course, Jon’s is the only one that counts.

It is his hair, she told herself. He is not half as comely as Rhaegar was. Cersei - AFFC

He doesn't look so comely now, she thought. He just looks white and frightened.  Arya - AWOW

He was thicker about the chest and broader at the shoulders, and though his face was comely enough, he lacked Ser Loras's startling beauty. Sansa - ACOK

Willas Tyrell was twice her age, she reminded herself constantly, and lame as well, and perhaps even plump and red-faced like his father. But comely or no, he might be the only champion she would ever have.  Sansa - ASOS

4)

The Khal's face did not often betray the thoughts within. Daenerys - AGOT

So, Khal Drogo had a stoic face and Jon too so, boom Jonerys confirmed?

5)

Off in the distance, a wolf howled. The sound made her feel sad and lonely, but no less hungry. As the moon rose above the grasslands, Dany slipped at lastinto a restless sleep. Daenerys - ADWD

Assuming Dany hearing the wolf and Jon dying happens at the same time (which I don't think so), same logic as before. Dany hear a wolf and it has to be related with Jon?

Somewhere off in the wood a wolf howled.  Prologue - AGOT

6)

This one makes even less sense, I know hard to belive.

Five Aegons had ruled the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. There would have been a sixth, but the Usurper's dogs had murdered her brother's son when he was still a babe at the breast. If he had lived, I might have married him. Daenerys - ADWD

Targaryens tends to marry between them. Viserys blamed her for born too late and force Rhaegar to marry Elia instead of Dany. Your point is? Jon is obligated to marry her because... Targaryens? wow

7)

So basically Jon wanted to have children and  Daenerys too, so that’s proof of what? Sansa wants children too and even Brienne would have liked to have them. But nope, only Dany and her vagina count.

8)

Jon talks about having dragons as something impossible, not that he really wanted one.

We should have twenty trebuchets, not two, and they should be mounted on sledges and turntables so we could move them. It was a futile thought. He mightas well wish for another thousand men, and maybe a dragon or three.  Jon - ASOS

Tyrion can’t shut up about dragons, Jon says a sarcastic comment about wishing a dragon and that’s it, Jonerys confirmed.

9)

Daenerys and Jon mention they feel alone, they must be together, foreshadowing, Jonerys confirmed?!

Jon wondered where Ghost was now. Had he gone to Castle Black, or was he was running with some wolfpack in the woods? He had no sense of the direwolf, not even in his dreams. It made him feel as if part of himself had been cut off. Even with Ygritte sleeping beside him, he felt alone. He did not want to die alone. Jon - ASOS

Guys, Jon missed Ghost and felt alone without him. But of course, its all about Daenerys

Her captain slept beside her, yet she was alone. She wanted to shake him, wake him, make him hold her, fuck her, help her forget, but she knew that if she did, he would only smile and yawn and say, "It was just a dream, my queen. Go back to sleep."  Daenerys - ADWD

Daenerys feels alone after weakening of a nightmare and having only Daario to comfort her but Dany knows she would not have it form him.Jonerys confirmed?

In the end everyone can ship what they want for the reasons they want, but if you ship something and claim is canon with millions of proofs and they end up be ambiguous, up to interpretation or a consequence of reading too much into the books.... at least you’re going to encounter people who will debate your points.

[valkerymillenia]

Omg there's so much I want to talk about in TLJ that I don't even know where to start!

And my ships 😏 hehe I see what the authors are doing.

Red herrings everywhere.

Spoilers ahead.

These are random disjointed fangirlish thoughts on the movie that I have to spill out before I can become coherent again. Bare with me.

THE HUMOUR! So good and yet so well nuanced that it complemented the seriousness of the  movie very well.

GENERAL HUGS and SALT GUY need to be memes. I mean, c’mon guys, you know I’m right.

LEIA USING THE FORCE TO SAVE HERSELF, IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE! My gods, she always had so much potential and it’s good to see some of it finally being expressed. They built Leia up so well in this movie, so much development, I love it but now I’m so afraid of what they’ll do for ep IX without Carrie...

Billie Lourd having way more protagonism! The legacy continues.

WOMEN EVERYWHERE!  As many as the men and in equal posts! Thank you, gods! Also, POC everywhere! YES, THANK YOU!

Rose is freaking adorable and well written, the viewers form an instant connection with her through her sister and she has that innocent and wonder that we haven’t had since New Hope’s Luke.

Though Rose describing Canto Bight made me laugh because it was a perfect echo of Obi-Wan describing Mos Isley... In fact when she described it as an ugly horrifying place filled with the most despicable people, all I could think was ‘girl, you’ve clearly never been to Mos Isley’. Though in the end Canto Bight is more civilized but morally worse than Mos Isley so she’s not wrong.

Still wondering was the message Rey asked Chewie to give Finn...

Shipping wise... They're baiting us with Finn x Rose AND Finn x Poe AND Finn x Rey all at once. Interesting to see the guy being the center of a love tangle for a change. Anyway, they are clearly letting the audience chose how to interpret each relationship.

Now, I’m trying to analyze this without shipper goggles (yet) so...

Poe's body language is all over Finn who seems clueless, Poe just acts so differently around Finn compared to others, hell, he even acts possessive of Finn (the way he examines all of ‘naked and leaking’ Finn, and, his face when he meets Rose and slightly places himself between her and Finn- “Who’s this?”).

Rose kisses Finn but he doesn't kiss back, it's not even shock he just looks confused and more concerned with saving her. In sum- Rose's body language is all over Finn, even more explicitly than Poe (because heteronormativity and all) but once again Finn looks absolutely clueless of what others feel towards him.

The only times Finn's body language and attitude go beyond more than friendship and admiration are when it's related to Rey... Though then she’s the one whose body language only denotes platonic feelings.

I see what's happening- the authors are showing all these options as red herrings under our noses, which often happens in the middle of trilogies, all so the fans won't be able to guess what's coming. Hell, I could almost feel an asexual vibe from Finn and the Rose x Finn kiss echoes the red herring Leia x Luke kiss in ep V so much...

Personally I still ship stormpilot (though not averse to Rose and Poe sharing Finn but that will never happen and still prefer stormpilot), even though I openly admit that it's clear they wanted to show obvious Finn x Rey chemistry and some Finn x Rose (albeit more one-sided).

Moving on...

ALL THE FUCKING REYLO! My poor shipper heart was exploding!

Topless Kylo! Flustered “please-cover-up-that-distracting-bod” Rey! LMAO!

I'm so happy that reylo is a cannon thing now. Sure, it's in a tragic ship sort of way instead of openly romantic, but damn, that back to back battle against the praetorian guard... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Scarred Kylo! 

Kylo hesitating and refusing to shoot, most likely because Leia was on board the ship...

Rey crying when she touches Kylo and connects to his emotions. 

Official confirmation that Snoke was already manipulating Ben when he was Luke’s apprentice (like what was stated in the novelization of TFA).

Ben turning to the dark because he felt betrayed by Luke (echoing Anakin and the Jedi Council). 

Kylo constantly conflicted and expressing it through anger and obvious emotional vulnerability, even (or even more so) as he becomes “the big baddy”.

Kylo BEGGING to have Rey on his side. And vice-versa.

Kylo killing Snoke, not for power but for Rey, the power was just his ambition and greed bubbling up as Rey denies him.

Pretty sure Kylo will get a redemption arc- I know it doesn't seem like it but the clues are there and I'm a good 90% sure of this, otherwise we'd just have a copy of Anakin's conflict all over again albeit Kylo being more ambiguous and also less determined in about his intentions. Now, if this redemption ends well or not, with love or without it, with grey jedi or otherwise, that is where the mystery lies.

Ok, I admit, Reylo is my otp but objectively in canon I don't know how the ship will end, at this point it can go either way; but imho Kylo will be redeemed somehow. As a writer and someone very much used to deconstructing plots, I can tell that there are enough clues for this, not just in this movie but in the big picture of the whole SW movieverse. 

One thing is for sure- the old dichotomy of jedi and sith as we know it is dead. Luke, Kylo and Yoda give us enough confirmation of this (and admittedly the whole black-white/good-evil extremes thing was getting SO old).

Personally I'm praying with all my might that we get Grey Jedi at last! And that would make both Rey and Kylo’s predictions true- she strays from the light and him from the dark and they meet in a middle term... It would make sense and seems to have been foreshadowed but unfortunately it’s not one of those things I can say I’m certain off. 

Let’s also have in account that the title of the movie is “The Last Jedi” but intended as plural (even here the subtitle was plural) so when Luke says “I will not be the last jedi”, I don’t think he means Rey exclusively.

Kylo was not made for leadership and rule either so I do wonder who will take the reigns of this crumbled government when it’s all said and done.

What else...

POE BEING A HOT-HEADED DAREDEVIL! He had such an aura of competence and poise in TFA but in TLJ we saw so much development, he was so humanized and flawed (but in the best way).

Phasma’s death was... as we say in Portugal “soube-me a pouco”, aka it felt lacking. Don’t get me wrong, it was epic, but they made such a huge deal of her in PR and marketing (especially in TFA) that it feels like she had a bigger role that got edited out in post-production. The fight with Finn was perfect and excellent for his growth but it felt like we needed more on Phasma to make it more meaningful.

HOLDO’S KAMIKAZE MOVE! Goddamn, I had mixed feelings about her through the whole movie but, although I usually dislike the kamikaze martyr trope, at that moment I just adored her. I feel like we could have gotten a bit more personal with her but either way it was tragically perfect.

Luke’s death felt unnecessary. Again, don’t get me wrong- I was afraid I’d hate it but it was a good death, an appropriate and meaningful one; however, it felt anti-climatic and unnecessary in the progression and pacing of the story itself. Perhaps if framed differently... Either way, the only way the manner of his death can be justified to me is if he has an important role (big or small, whatever, but meaningful) as a Force Ghost in ep IX.

Kinda wish we'd have a Luke-Anaking force ghost reunion; the two of them guiding Leia and Rey and even Kylo... But that's just wishful thinking.

The sweet moment between Leia and Luke broke me, I wanted to cry. They deserved so much more time together, hell, WE deserved to see so much more interaction between them as close siblings.

The almost imperceptive glance we get of the Jedi books safely stored in the Falcon! Begging the questions- who and why?

I wanted more Chewie and definitely more Maz! I really, really, REALLY want more Maz as a sassier modern version of Yoda.

Speaking of- loved the Yoda cameo- Mr ‘if you don’t have the balls then I’ll do for you’.

I get a feeling we’ll be seeing DJ again... But, honestly, so many new characters and they COULDN’T BRING BACK LANDO FUCKING CALRISSIAN?!

Please tell me Rey will build her own lightsaber now! And make it a lightsaber pike, it fits her much better than than the Skywalker saber. 

Liked Rey’s parentage reveal, honestly so much better than having her conveniently be the heir of a pre-existing character. Also gives her tragic past much more intensity.

Porgs were cute but screw them, the Vulptex’s were soooooo much better.

I’m conflicted about Snoke’s death... It was brilliant but at the same time it wasn’t as impactful as it could be if his role had been more pronounced in TFA. Still, very good though.

Best of all- HUX BEING TOSSED AROUND LIKE A DOLL. Deflates his ego beautifully. And when Kylo gives the “shoot with all you got” order when Luke pops up and Hux repeats the order word by word but louder to the troops and Kylo just gives him that ‘bitch, I just said that’ face... Priceless.

I loved BB-8 before but now I ADORE HIM! In Poe’s ship trying to fix the circuit board and then just goes “fuck it” and smashes into the whole thing. xD “Finn, wet, leaking” ! And taking out the prison guards! And piloting a damn AT-AT alone to shoot troopers! He’s so fucking smart and resourceful and just as much a daredevil as Poe, not to mention cute AF! 

BB-9E was interesting we didn’t get much more from him than appearance so BB-8 FTW!

Give me BB-8 merch. All the BB-8 merch!  Pillows, plushies, the drone! I’m in love with all things BB-8!

But when it comes to droids, I wanted more from R2, he felt neglected. Though that move of showing the old recording of young Leia’s distress message to push Luke really was genius.

Wondering if the little boy at the end is force sensitive or if he (or other kids) will have any role in the Resistance, there was a lot of foreshadowing there.

OMG the movie was just sooooo good! The spoilers terrified me but it was so good, for a mid-trilogy movie it was just right. Let’s hope IX lives up to it.

Finally, one last question- WHY IS NOBODY ASKING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER HANDFUL OF PADAWANS (KNIGHTS OF REN) THAT LEFT WITH BEN??????

I got up and practically saluted when the “in memory of” showed up. It got me in tears.

Ok, end of rambles... for now. 

[legitlauracoe]

Form in Relation to Content

The Fales archive used its form of folders within boxes within collections to very exactly archive a lot of stuff. This made their online catalogue usable, as you could search up any word in the collection basically, and get results for what you wanted to see. This form emphasized time period and relationship of the artist and their work to other artists and their work since you knew almost exactly when everything was from. The very formal structure of the extremely modern architecture of NYU, the excessive packing of all the materials in order to preserve them elevated even the most mundane objects--a pair of shoes, a receipt--to the level of art, worth preserving for thousands of dollars.

The La MaMa archives used their preservation of every play La MaMa has done, and the many different set pieces and awards in such a small space to highlight how many varied people they have worked with, and who has worked for them, and doing what, and with what other famous people. It all serves to highlight how cosmopolitan La MaMa is, how much they have accomplished, and how much diversity and collaboration adds to theater. Ozzy(?) set us up to talk to us as if he were onstage, all of us behind the cabinet, or in a semicircle, or in chairs. No matter where we were, or what we were doing, he was acting and judging what we could do to contribute (e.g. “Nice voice”).

Lauren Yee uses the jukebox form of Cambodian Rock to humanize the terrible experiences of Cambodians during the Khmer Rouge and make their struggle and suffering relatable to an American audience. The jukebox form is used to lighten up the heavy mood of the piece, since it’s music and the lighting for every musical interlude is fun and flashy and colorful as opposed to the much more minimalistic and stationary lighting used for the rest of the play. The type of music (rock) made the play relatable to a western audience, who might otherwise been unsure how to react; since we have that history as well as Cambodians, we know how you’re supposed to react to that music. It also made the few instances when the actors did speak Cambodian possible to be interpreted without using subtitles. Not literal understanding of what the words meant, but the intention behind the words, and what the character was feeling, was communicated since the words were sung or accompanied by music.

Yee uses the plot of the play to structure the action in such a way that you undergo the same experience as Cambodia--not thinking the Khmer Rouge is going to take over but then they do, undergoing torture and learning how to live in such a dangerous precarious environment, finally doing anything you have to in order to save yourself. With Duch as well, not knowing who he is, finding out who he is, having him be in power, and then taking away that power by saying I’m not scared of you taking stealing something from me anymore—I have power over myself.

As they used bodies to root the action around the same characters and their interactions while while changing fluidly in time (between the 1970s and 2008) using lights, the use of music was very striking for me after reading the play without it, as a means of relating disperate parts of the play. Although the rock of course loosely relates the entire play through the tone it sets as a genre, no song is repeated (or maybe Cyclos is? but I think not super intentionally). I really noticed the Bach chaconne being repeated though. At the beginning of the play it’s on the radio. It’s subtle foreshadowing, but I think also significant as Chum reaches over and turns it off. As it gains more and more meaning coming to signify his death sentence, then his guilt for killing Leng—and then thinking back what that means to have him turn off that radio…I almost wish at the end instead of the big climax, he had gone back to the hotel room and turned the radio back on and we had just sat in silence with him while the entire song played and silence came again—maybe it’s even to him falling asleep. I thought it was a mistake to have him not face that guilt, not come to terms to it in terms of his music, when in every other way he does—telling us out loud, going to his torture scene in present lighting...  

The Hal Prince exhibit used his memorabilia, and added stuff--like his fake office--to bring you into his life--like you could listen to “his” telephone!--but then use that to tell you about him/give you information--the telephone was historical information, though it was staged as a conversation where it sounded like he was talking to you. It was interactive to try to engage the audience more than simply asking them to view things behind class cases.

The Hamlet we saw relied heavily on lighting and set to comunicate its message. Set in what seemed to be the 1950s or 60s with the machine guns with lights, the military uniforms and roaring crowd of a dictator or perhaps communist leader, and the Jackie Kennedy-esque outfit of Gertrude. The set was incredible, but at the same time I felt like it was so good that it became distracting and kind of pointless at moments. As if they had the lighting and set elements just because they could rather than because it really added anything to the production, or as if they hadn’t quite thought everything through. Like the rain in the beginning--it was beautiful. It foreshadowed Ophelia drowning, establishing her as wet and vulnerable...but they didn’t act out Hamlet being freaked out by his dad asking him to kill his uncle and basically assaulting her in the rain. They didn’t have her stand there and have the lights fade as the rain continued to fall. She just ran through it and then had the scene with Polonius...wet. If you were going to try to make the point that Polonius is preying on her, that would have been compelling, but they didn’t. Also with the plastic sheet. I LOVED the plastic sheet. It was so simple and beautiful and otherworldly, very clearly signifying the veil between life and death. But then to have the ghost just duck out from underneath...so he’s alive again? And why is Hamlet alone at the end and not behind the curtain? He died too.

Their use of green at the beginning felt very calculated. I began to notice all these references to green within the text that I hadn’t before, and the different shades and vibrancy of the greens started to take on a deeper meaning for me. “While the grass grows…” Talking about his uncle as a serpent. Describing Ophelia as a green girl—that completely changed Ophelia for me somehow. It made her Hamlet’s “green light.’ In contrast, when the red came on, I wasn’t impressed. I’m pretty sure they were trying to communicate sensuousness and passion, and perhaps sin as well—i. e. evil—but I didn’t think it worked that well. It didn’t work as well with the lights, it looked gaudy, and it didn’t have the same power of insidiousness the green had for me. There were no red references in the text, and the costumes seemed to get worse--like why did Hamlet come in in a sweatshirt? 

One thing I was thinking about with the costumes is perhaps it was an intentional aging forward as the weapons aged backwards, as if to try and communicate as the characters seem to be getting older what they were doing is becoming more and more primitive, since we start out with Gertrude’s blue fifties dress, and then she changes into a beige one more ‘60s, and then Hamlet comes on in the sweatshirt, while we start out with machine guns, go to knives, and end up at rapiers. 

All in all I felt it used the aesthetic of that era without really dealing with any of the problems associated with it. (Perhaps this is just because the production is from Ireland and I don’t understand Irish references?) They had such a strong racial message at the beginning: a black man on a gurney surrounded by the predominantly white cast, but then had no illusion to that in the entire rest of the play. There’s such a distinction between the common people (Horatio, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and the grave diggers) and the aristocracy, their discussion within the play about the destruction of the upper class, and how death equalizes all would be incredibly easy to capitalize on, as impetus for a discussion of class struggle relating to Communism/Leninism. But it’s not like they had a USSR flag behind them. In a sene this could be trying to leave it more open to discussion, make it more of an ambiguous message but that didn’t read for me. Toxic masculinity, and gender identity is such a problem of that period as well. The problem of the ghost is basically Rebel Without a Cause, commenting on masculinity by asking the question of what is cowardice? He’s asking Hamlet to prove himself, and kill to prove this. Hamlet doesn’t want to kill someone--he just wants Ophelia. He knows if he kills Claudius, he’s not just going to be able to happily marry Ophelia. But the only way for him not to kill Claudius is if he kills himself, which if he does brands him a coward. There’s so many other parts. When Laertes is trying not to cry. When he hugs Horatio for a moment too long and says enough of this. But they didn’t choose to emphasize that either. So this Hamlet tried to use set and lights to give the audience a new way to interpret Shakespeare, but was semi successful with this form of communication. 

This Hamlet emphasized religion in a way I really liked as a form of communication: ritual. I thought beginning the play with the censer in the center of the stage, starting off not experiencing the play through sight but rather smell was such a compelling choice. The special which the censor starts out in at the beginning seemingly ordained that space as holy, as afterwards all the things in the play ordained by God or in some way holy--both Hamlets, the throne--occupied that space, while the action of the flawed characters carefully avoids being there. The scene in which Hamlet doesn’t kill Claudius because he’s praying was an interesting interpretation because it’s usually just Claudius kneeling peacefully in a circle of light. This production chose to show the inner turmoil which Claudius is going through. However, I think there’s a reason that Shakespeare saved the turmoil in the dialogue for afterwards—because in the moment Hamlet doesn’t kill him, he does it because he feels very profoundly how holy that moment is. I was all ready for him to be within the special at that moment. And yet instead of using that space, and sanctifying that moment until he falls out of it, realizing it’s useless, they had him on the other side of the stage wrestling with God. It emphasized in a way I hadn’t noticed in prior productions I’ve seen how unfeeling God as a concept or a character (embodied by the priest) in Hamlet. It’s not a concept which will give the characters guidance, but one they ask for help with no hope of reply, kind of like the ghost. It tells them what to do, and then leaves them very much alone.

The most meaningful thing in the production for me was the choreography. This to me was the most unique way this play used form to communicate with the audience, because a lot of times in Shakespeare productions, the word is so revered that there is little to no movement at all. It’s like they think the closer they can come acting it out on stage to sitting there reading you the text, the truer they can be to his words, when the opposite is true! Claudius in this production is one of the best actors I’ve seen, and it’s because he didn’t sink to trying to pronounce every word like gospel. He spoke it naturally, moving around and using the words to interact with the other characters! 

I never thought action could be so choreographed! The doors and the set pieces all moved/were moved so that they would continue to create strong shapes onstage, stretching the diagonals, of perfectly symmetrical cubes, or triangles in order to shape the action you saw, and the dynamic of the stage. It not only cast each scene by where the characters where in the scene in relationship to one another and how they would interact not just through dialogue but physically—like maybe their physicality would contradict what they were saying—but directed focus and created a tension I haven’t seen before through the use of stillness. One moment where Hamlet is standing still thinking and the scene is changing around him was particularly amazing for me. It was exactly how I feel like my life is right now, like everything’s just going rushing past as I stand rooted to the spot. Also little moments which gave the play so much more meaning than just the words. Hamlet’s monologue which is usually to the audience as him ranting to Ophelia. Gertrude playing out a whole scene as she realizes what Claudius has done and her son is in danger barefoot and then taking charge by literally stepping into her shoes. I’ve never seen a better example of how much more you could add to a theatrical production by adding choreography. How much was missing from the plays I’ve seen before, since without this choreography the play is only what the characters say. This adds subtext, or irony to the story, an extra layer of dimensionality which you can read in the text, but by acting out says more. I could write more...

  Coal country used country music to bring people together around an issue. They used country music because it’s the people’s music, it is easy to sing so everyone can sing it without feeling ashamed or awkward, and of it’s tradition coming out of blues as well of suffering and wishing and being together. It presented a complicated topic as a common problem. Through their use of the benches, they could demonstrate to some degree the menial labor within the mines, and the rustic-ness of their surroundings. This really worked for me because the guitarist was so skilled and clearly felt so much while playing, and all the actors felt believable—they never seemed hammed up or one dimensional. They were regular everyday people just trying to understand. They used the lights behind the curving wood of the background to demonstrate the exploding tunnel, and the lights to represent the lives lost which I thought was very powerful. I thought the big central set piece wasn’t as effective, as well as most of the other lighting which seemed a bit disjointed. We brought up in discussion how much more powerful the similar moment in Cambodian Rock Band (when all the pictures of the victims light up) could have been if they could have taken two million lights and have them light up one by one.

It’s not original, many New York City based artists have said it, I think the most performative part of the City for me is the side walks--the walking signs, people starting and stopping and the flow of people passing by and through each other. It’s beautiful in an ordinary way.

[thesinglesjukebox]

MARIAH THE SCIENTIST - REMINDERS

[7.89]

Zankee tells us about a potential Nobel winner...

Zankee: There's something mesmerising about a well-produced R&B song with a good synthline, and "Reminders" is no different. Actually, it's much more than mesmerising; it's a four-minute long spiritual experience, if you will. Mariah's murderous narrative is faint enough to be perceived as metaphor, and vague enough to be interpreted as anything between contemplation of murder or the afterthought of a woman that has killed her significant other and lives with it, which gives the song a lot of depth. Mariah The Scientist is one of the brightest new lights in R&B, and this song is just one exciting example of why. [10]

Alfred Soto: As opening lines go, few I've heard this year have surpassed: "Every candlelight dinner, date night liquor, late-night visit/Reminds me of a killer, reminds me I should kill him." The backing track -- saxophone, sequencer, and drum machine -- wouldn't have scared Freddie Jackson in 1985. And Mariah sings as if she wants you to see the scissors in her hand. [9]

Edward Okulicz: Had this come out in 1986, it would have been a genuinely subversive pop hit, using the romance of syn-drums and synth sax presets to smuggle in murder most sexual. In 2019, it's just a great example of all the forms it essays -- rough-smooth R&B and retro-pop -- and makes The Weeknd sound like a damned hack by comparison. Mariah's songwriting is as sharp as a murder weapon -- "every home decor and hardware store/reminds me more of blood on your marble floors" is a novella in a couplet. [9]

Katherine St Asaph: When I compared the antiseptic '80s sound of the Weeknd's "Heartless" to something out of an American Psycho monologue, that didn't mean I wanted someone to come along and literalize it. Every circle of hell is sung and written out of "Reminders," and there's a sumptuous violin solo (R&B's recent embrace of strings continues to be wonderful), but it would all be better without the overwhelming scent of hairspray, Giorgio (perfume, not Moroder, that it could use more of) and shrimp cocktail. [6]

Kylo Nocom: Outrun as a signifier of stylistic cool is totally lame. Outrun as a piece of a self-contained drama, however -- that's where a song like "Reminders" proves the worth of the form. Finding out that this actually flipped an entire synthwave song first disappointed me, then later gave me reason to appreciate it more; I can't complain about someone taking a meandering six-minute track and constructing a better tune half its length. Even then, Le Cassette's cyber-noir funk would be tacky without Mariah's sobering, ultraviolent lyrics: "reminds me I should kill him" distracts at first, something that could be passed off as a metaphor (which it is, albeit one that's thankfully not handled poorly); "blood on your marble floors" and what comes after, though, explores the concept as a richer narrative, one that would impress SZA not just for being a murderous fantasy, but for how it considers self-loathing in the most minute details. Memories are brought into living color by the ghosts of dudebro retro-fetishism -- every synth, sax, and gated drum suggests a piece of her past haunting her, her own voice seemingly the only thing not caught in the haze of nostalgia. The final "bittersweet defeat" concludes "Reminders" with a bit of a haunting aftertaste. Cat Zhang's review of Master suggested the album was a continuous process of Mariah trying to reclaim control over herself. Here, it seems that she's lost. [9]

Isabel Cole: The conceit of taking unwelcome post-breakup nostalgia to a new extreme is a neat one, and there are some nice lines here; I like the use of "home decor and hardware store." But although I know the endless vocal wandering is on purpose, it just grates on me. [4]

Ryo Miyauchi: Mariah the Scientist sings about a haunting that I can't help but be moved by whenever I hear it in breakup songs. The romance-specific rituals are obvious triggers that summon the ghost of an ex, but it's the more mundane fixtures of intimacy that really cut deep. While her manner doesn't fully bring the anguish the song calls for, the screwed-up electro-soul beat makes up for it by injecting a brooding ghastliness to the track. [8]

Ian Mathers: There's a well-used clinical harshness here that renders even "I know you didn't mean it" disparaging, and an even more well-used ambiguity that means "Reminders" works equally well for ruefully looking back and vengefully looking forward. Is it speaking to the healthiest situation or mindset? Well, maybe not. But as long as there are bad men, it feels like a very necessary kind of evil. [9]

Kayla Beardslee: It took me a few listens to warm up to "Reminders," and I'm still lukewarm on the filtered, nasal quality of Mariah's vocals, but I find the depth and skill of the songwriting and visuals fascinating. On their own, the lyrics seem to be about the narrator recovering from the trauma of an abusive relationship ("Reminds me of a killer / Reminds me I should kill him"; the second half sounds like it's referring to the memories). However, the video makes Mariah into the callous, cold-blooded killer instead. I can't stop thinking about the shot at 1:57 where she walks up to her boyfriend, patiently waiting with his hands clasped in front of him, and blocks the camera's view with her hips as she shoots him in the head. What makes this analysis even more fascinating is that the video for "Reminders" was shot in the same mansion as Kesha's "Raising Hell" (comparison shot 1 and 2), a song with a completely reversed villain vs victim dynamic -- the lyrics demonstrate Kesha's troublemaking force of personality, and the video is where she tries to overcome domestic violence by retaliating against her abuser. And both videos intercut the violence with their protagonists being filtered through the idealized medium of TV. There are also shots in the "Reminders" MV where the camera zooms in on Mariah from far away, like a cop on a stakeout collecting evidence, and the way she stares right at the lens implicates the viewer as well. Are we complicit, or are we the ones seeking justice? With the more sympathetic lyrics playing over the visuals, who is the justice even meant for? What does Mariah herself want? [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]