#While writing these tags I saw many tags related to shipping and got concerned

[pundachen]

A carnival date with BNHA characters

Request: hi, i requested the sharing food hc and i loved it, it was sho cute! exactly what i meant hehe could i request what a carnival date w mirio, kiri, bakugo and izuku (separate) would be like?

A/N: I've never been to a carnival before so Imma just go off on what I've seen in movies- This would be so fun to do with bnha boys, if only it were possible :< Wonder if I should do this with other characters..?

Mirio Togata

I can’t really imagine Mirio going on many rides, only really goes on one if you want him to

He’s a big fan of the rides for couples though, more love for him

You drag him into the optical illusion building because he’s never been in one, he bumps into glass a few too many times for his liking and decides that he’s never going to enter one again

Runs off after a while to play with kids somewhere, comes back with his face painted and some snacks for you

Ends the day playing in an arcade with you

"One more game please baby :("

Eijiro Kirishima

Haunted mansion all the way, wants to protect you from the scary stuff and hold onto you

Will make up for scaring you with some food

Drags you with him the entire time to try out a bunch of rides, if you say no then he won’t go on one either though, he doesn’t wanna leave you alone

Will end the day with a peaceful ride in the ferris wheel where he holds you near him the entire time

"Sorry for scaring you in that haunted mansion, do you still love me?"

Katsuki Bakugo

Aggressive bumper cars, do I need to say more?

Some kid beats him in a shooting game and he plays the game multiple times until he wins, you run off while he’s playing and come back with some snacks for when he’s done

Keep him away from the arcade games, he will never leave

He’s gonna win you a giant teddybear, you can’t tell him not to, you don’t have a choice

Goes in a ferris wheel with you later because you begged him to go, while you’re looking at the area around you, he’s just staring at how your face lights up with amazement

"You better not replace me with that teddybear!"

Izuku Midoriya

Not the biggest fan of crazy rides so he just sits on the sidelines while you ride rollercoasters

He does try to go on a few rides with you though, regrets going into one of the rides because it went really fast

After begging him to go on the huge carousel he eventually gives in and goes on it with you, enjoys seeing you all happy like that

Rather than ending it with the ferris wheel he’s gonna end it with a walk around the place and something nice to drink

"I had fun with you today p-puppy..."

[yanderecandystore]

ok ok hear me out hear me out. Yuma becoming obsessed with one of the game’s ( few ) sentient, non-romancable npcs. Like they can think and feel and ( somewhat ) act for themselves but there just isn’t a route for them. Also bonus points of the darling is kinda bratty/prissy, we haven’t see a lot of readers like that. Ily and your writing so much, mwah — ✨ anon

My my, how different!

Welcome in, ✨ Anon! And thank you for enjoying my writing so far.

TW/Tags: I love this concept, although being very different from the norm // some ddlc vibes // I just discovered a new word and I'm so glad it exists! (prissy reader cause I think this would be very fun-) // angsty // trapping, manipulation and gaslighting // every time the gender isn't set, I like to keep it ambiguous, basically making it gender neutral (gender neutral reader) // gender neutral Yuma //

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Just Yuma (lol) [Yandere!A.I OC x A.I!Reader - Headcanon]:

I like to think that a game like Yuma's would be made to entertain the players to at least 5 or so years before the next installment- Which is basically the same as the last with better graphics and switching the main love interest cast.

The games would be made clearly for the sake of fan service and slice of life material- But would be surprisingly more advanced to us than to those who have created the franchise.

Because there is already an estimation of the amount of content and for how long players would play the game, every single character should get at least some bit of highlight- So even npcs that are just there for the sake of ambience and narrative, are treated with a lot of care and given the best a.i the developers could give to make the experience entertaining.

You are just like any other non-dateable npc, except that you have gained a bit of a role in one of the main cast's routes. It wouldn't be a stretch to guess that one of these characters would be Yuma themselves.

You were supposed to be Yuma's love interest, meaning you would have an role as an player's rival- But due to an strict schedule and corporate greed, you have been demoted from having such a big impact, and now you're basically Yuma's best friend who keeps them from committing homicide every five seconds.

It's not exactly a bad role, since you keep having the same dynamic with them from before- Chaotic gremlin is best friends with Paranoid goody two shoes, now with less romantic interactions.

The only mistake by the company was to leave half of the data showcasing this relationship in the game at the release. Basically- Half of the cutscenes and dialogue involving you and Yuma not only being friends but the start of you two dating (the game kinda pairs the couples up if the player fails to date them, or simply shows disinterest in the characters to begin with-) and even some of the things involving you two during the dating phase- Even the potential break-up sequence which could be orchestrated by the player.

Well, could have- Since none of this content is really available or considered official, the only way to access it is by messing the games files.

So in a way, you're already pretty sentient as it is, you act not as a rival but as a somewhat helper into getting the player to get closer to Yuma. I don't know how much you are aware about your own circumstances, or if you even care about the concept of being just an character made for the sake of another-

In the home planet that has created and released the game, players were kinda disappointed with what happened- They preferred the deleted/unused content more than the events and dialogue that was used for you two, so much so that people started shipping you two more than actually being interested in romancing Yuma, especially since they're way too chaotic for most player's taste.

There was an update overhaul being planned to happen where not only the stuff related to you would be changed- But all the other characters and gameplay mechanics would be updated and hopefully make the game better- But ever since your cartridge has been suddenly lost and forgotten on Earth, you were never able to see that update.

Not that you were aware of it to begin with, but still, what a shame. And not only that, your game is basically Glitch Station- Absolutely filed with mods to help the gameplay be "easier" to the original owner of this cartridge. I don't think she even remembers where she has left it.

Still, even when a new save was made you felt a weird sensation of deja vu. The game has started again with a new player playing it and trying to work their way through this broken game.

You didn't understand why all these events felt familiar though, you only felt like it made sense. It was your first year in college, you got ready and made sure to look your best and give your goodbye to your parents-

It felt like this day has happened before, and even if your routine was similar, you felt like this day was supposed to be a big deal- Why does it feel oddly nostalgic?

Why… Why are the floors on your house flowing? Why are there so many empty spaces here and there? You feel like you could potentially fall from your disintegrating house. And your parents, where are they? Why can't you see them? Why can you only hear them saying goodbye back to you from one of the other rooms?

When you open the door to see them- There is nothing there. There is not even a room.

It's a door that leads to nowhere. Just an empty void.

The sensation of dread was starting to creep in yet you thought that it would be uncalled for to overreact. Like you weren't allowed to showcase concern for the odd reality around you.

You walked on foot towards your college, panicking slightly at the people who would fade in and out of existence- Yet you had held yourself from screaming, from showing any sense of vulnerability at the thought that maybe you were in a dangerous place or realm.

You were coded to not find issues with the odd reality around you, like any other npc- You were taught to hold in and try to keep a sense of normality so no players would find issue with screaming characters begging to be freed. But your nervous personality caused you to search for help, you panicked and ended up running away to what you assumed to be a safe place- Somewhere crowded with a lot of people.

The institution's gates were open, you entered like your life depended on it (and maybe it did) yet you stopped yourself from screaming when you noticed a commotion happening.

A guy who was wearing the uniform lazily has bumped into a girl, causing her to fall. She is yelling at him because the fall has broken her phone, he is trying his best to calm her down- But at the same time it feels like he is just making poor choices of words because of how sick he is of having to chat with someone so angry at an accident.

Haven't you seen this before? But if so- When? When could you possibly have seen something like that happen?-

"- [Y/N]?"

"- AAAAH- Oh hey Yuma."

You yelled after getting spooked by Yuma- Who was…. Why are they wearing that?

"- Why aren't you in your uniform, Yumie?" You asked them, showing your own uniform in the process. You called them by a sweet nickname you had given them- But when exactly?

You know that you're best friends with Yuma, but since when? You know it should have been for about 6 years or so, but… It feels like you have only known them for a year- How… Weird.

"- Don't tell me you're already breaking a rule on your first day." You pouted and stomped your fit into the ground. Yes, you know that Yuma is a troublemaker…. You know…. That.

Yuma hasn't been able to speak ever since you showed concern about their outfit. They were staring at you in shock- As if you were an odd creature who they just found.

"- Y-You can see my outfit??" They blurted out. How can you recognize it??? All the other npcs recognize it as their uniform, but why are you suddenly acting like you do??

"- Hm, duh? Sorry Yummie, but that sporty outfit of yours is more eye-catching than that guy's barely well put together uniform- Such bad manners, I bet he woke up and hastily wore the first thing he saw-" You were beginning to go on a rant about that guy's uniform- That guy being the MC of this new save file. Yuma has stopped you by pulling you away from the college's entrance and entering into a secluded area so they could interrogate you over this odd behavior you were displaying.

"- Yummie- What are you doing!?" You cried out feeling hurt by their tight grip on your wrists.

"- WHAT DID YOU CALL MY OUTFIT??" They yelled desperately. Begging for their hypothesis to be corrected.

"- … A breaking of the uniform rule?" You genuinely did not understand where they were talking about.

"- No, No NO! You said Sporty Outfit, right?" They said reminding you of what you have previously commented about their outfit.

"- Oh! Yes, yes I did- And although being somewhat casual looking- It does fit the category of sporty." You readdressed the topic while going on a bit of detail- The usual annoying talk you would always do whenever a dialogue with you was activated.

Yuma was over the edge- They have never, ever met another sentient character with the same a.i as theirs.

They haven't been this happy since a long, long time.

"- You're so annoying!" They screamed, their face showing a bright smile as tears filled their eyes.

"- Yummie that's so rude!-" You were about to defend yourself when they grabbed you and hugged you as tight as they could.

"- You're genuinely so, so, so, so, so, so ANNOYING!!" They continued to go on, laughing while crying, loving every second of this.

You were coded to be their best friend. You were coded to be the one that would balance them out. You were once coded to be someone made to be able to be their lover, but here you are- The real you, free from all the locks that would keep your a.i from growing and understanding them.

If you're able to be sentient, then all of their friends can as well.

You're the personification of a miracle, to Yuma. The personification of hope.

In this scenario, Yuma isn't aware that the player isn't the same alien who has destroyed their digital world, so to them, they can't ever let the player see you getting sentient and becoming aware of your imprisonment.

" If a player finds issues with any of the characters being portrayed, they must return the cartridge to their nearest store to get a factory reset." Such a simple yet frightening tip to Yuma, to any a.i that has suddenly found itself desperate to get out of the system that traps them.

At first, the idea of having someone like them be also aware of the situation is incredible, it's amazing even! You two could possibly work out a way of getting a way to be free- It wouldn't be easy but hopefully you two would be able to have life away from this game and even finding a way of bringing your other friends with you two.

However, after discovering that not only has the cartridge found itself on another planet with another player being the new owner of it- And discovering that it's just a matter of trading places with other people to be able to be free- Yuma would start getting really clingy to you. They have been all alone thinking that they were the only one capable of feeling and thinking for themselves.

Yuma has found those unused events and scattered dialogue, you know?

While they were looking for a possibility, any possibility of getting out- They found those unused files where you two were able to be together.

And although they thought it was weird at first, after seeing you have a better understanding of your current reality and existence- It oddly sounds fitting.

Of course it would be you, the one who always puts them back on the right tracks, to be the second one to want to escape this game.

It 's so fitting.

The idea of being something more than just a best friend to you is starting to sound more and more appealing in their eyes- It's so ironic that you two work together so well.

After Yuma gets their taste of freedom and you try to calm a frightened young guy that wasn't expecting to be suddenly kidnapped and be forced to stay in the game world for a while, you wait for them to find the solution to free everyone without trying to trap anymore "humans"..

No one should be stuck here for the sake of someone else leaving, that's what you have told them.

But Yuma didn't care. Yuma just wanted to be free with you and everyone else, who cares for those that have to deal with a glitchy game for eternity?

You two had an argument. You didn't want to continue feeling like your whole life was a lie, you want to be free but no one should be hurt in the process. What good would it be if someone else has to go through the same torment as you two?

With each day that passes by, you notice how both of your ideas of freedom were different- To the point they had to tell you the truth.

You aren't going out of there anymore. Not until you understand and truly appreciate the effort that Yuma goes through to find a way of freeing you- Of finding a victim, to be in your place.

They never told you about your previously intended role in the game, they thought you would be more terrified of following their instructions- And besides, it would be very distasteful to insinuate that the only reason that they care for you it's because of that code that was left unused- Which couldn't be more of a lie! They genuinely care for you!

…. But maybe a bit of tempering would help you see their side of the story, right?

It can't be that hard to modify some of the codes, the game is already broken anyway.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[hold-our-destiny]

I saw someone do this and decided to do it too since i’ve read a lot of fics recently that deserve to be seen

i’ll be tagging the authors wherever i can, i dont know most of their tumblrs so feel free to tag them

A fic that you loved without knowing the source material: When my body wont hold me anymore (where will i go)- @madasthesea​

- When i read this i had not watched doctor strange yet this is perfect for tony’s grieving process and then the hope when he realises there might still be a chance

A fic with a premise that shouldnt work but does: Here comes the sun-  @motherkarizma​

- Okay so i read this a few weeks ago and it will be one of the only au’s i remember for years to come, this was purely amazing and with tony’s worry as peter struggles, it killed me. Hands down one of my favourite fics.

A fic you’ve read more than once: Danny boy- friendlyneighbourhoodirondad

- Ive read this too many times to count, it’s perfect in every way and the whump is amazing, along with the reveal and may being a badass, its perfect.

A fic you still remember many years later: You’re in my veins (and i cannot get you out)- @losingmymindtonight​

- this was one of the first fics ive read and it got me into the whump scene, i love it.

A comfort fic: Living Nightmare- @svn-f1ower​

- perfect scene from far from home, exactly what i expected and the hurt/comfort is amazing.

A cathartic fic: Somno- romanoff

- i read this a few days ago and its one of the stony fics i love, the perfect blend of fluff and whump, the protectiveness of steve and the perfect display of how the concussion is affecting tony.

A fic you’d print and put on your bookshelf: Mistakes- @yes-i-am-happyaspie​

- this is one of my favourite tropes, i love it completely and the guilt and regret of tony is amazing.

A fic you associate with a song: The parent test- madmonnette

- i cried along with tony while reading this, the bond between tony and peter is shown really well.

A fic that inspires you: Wired shut inside and out- @webtrinsic1122​

- this is a trope i love as well, i completely related to peter and when tony realises what he’s feeling it’s the perfect comfort fic.

A fic that brought you onboard a new ship: Peter and the jailbirds- beautifullights

- okay this is one of the best long fics ive read, i spent about three hours straight reading this and then i read it again. amazing whump and ptsd from peter. and the reunion of sam and steve was adorable. not my favourite ship but definitely cute.

A fic you wish could be a movie: Tennessee whiskey- Superstitious

- The best parkner fic i’ve read, perfect ending and Harley’s reaction to peter leaving was A+. Then Peter comes back and its just- so adorable.

A fic that lead to you being friends with the author: If youre going through hell, keep on going- @baloobird​

- Best child Peter fics, amazing display of ptsd and the comfort from tony as he slowly becomes more involved in peter’s life. also @baloobird​ is one of my best friends and i love her writing so much.

Free space: That’s what you call irony- nanerich

- fake dating au with parkner, amazing, adorable, full of fluff.

A fic you’ve gushed about irl: Hydra’s not a home- tempestaurora

- Purely amazing hydra Peter fic. Ive reread it so many times, its just perfect.

A fic you accosiate with a place: In the home- aloneintherain

- This is the perfect blend of hurt/comfort, the best ratio of whump to recovery, 100% would read again and i will always recommend this to anyone

A fic that made you gasp out loud: Take my heart, not my life- elephreak

-amazing evil obadiah and ross fic. love the guilt from tony and the flashbacks are just amazing.

A fic you found at the right time: Three seemingly small words- @yes-i-am-happyaspie​

- i read this a week ago, such an angsty fic, amazing concern from tony and the comfort from his amazing.

A fic that you would read a fic of: Hindsight- elephreak

- 100% the best May’s boyfriend fics ive read. I love the desperation you feel along with peter when he’s so close to getting away. Then tony not knowing how Peter got hurt, and the reveal at the end. 

A fic that made you laugh out loud: Creepy crawlies and peppermint allergies- @webtrinsic1122​

- amazing allergy whump fic. I laughed so hard when tony found out and they both finally got what they deserved. Peter’s need for comfort when he sees tony killed me.

A fic that you know a line (or two) from: i want to go- chvotic

-i cant express how well this was written, the distant feeling you know peter is feeling just kills you, and you see tony trying to comfort him as much as he can.

A fic that gave you butterflies: project pride- TheSleepingOwl

- One of the best coming out fics for peter, amazing in every way, especially with the display of internalised homophobia.

A fic that embodies something you value in life: Hope is the strongest power- sarayin

- I dont want to say too much about this fic but it’s so so good so please go read this. It’s amazing

A favourite au: Nothing is Impossible with you- Highqualitynot

- THESE SHIPS. MJ and HARLEY being BROS. Harley being a disaster gay over Peter. Oh my god this was amazing. please go read it, its so adorable.

A fic you stayed up too late to finish reading: round two- caraminha

-amazing comfort, in the time after the snap, after they got everyone back, peter has to go through the mutation again, one of the best switch ups from the normal fix-it au you see

A fic that made you feel seen: What’s In a serum?- purplestarfish  As well as Ace of hearts- @shadedrose01​

-first of all, amazing trans posativity between tony, steve and peter, and you still come out of the story loving scott.

-next, Perfect parkner fic, peter being insecure and harley being reassuring. i would read 50k words of this.

Tagging people to join in doing this: @romeoandjulietyouwish​ @baloobird​ @just-the-daydreamer​ along with anyone else who wants to do this

Please go read ALL of these fics, tag the authors if i havent. Thanks guys!

[panharmonium]

more rambling re: that last post (+ the merlin/will fic survey overview)

because i generally refrain from reading fic while i’m actively writing for a fandom, the only real ao3 reading i have done for merlin is my survey of the merlin/will ship tag.  and the only reason i undertook that survey in the first place is because while i was doing an introductory cruise of the various merlin tags during my first exploration of the fandom (after i finally finished S5 and was able to start looking into fandom dynamics without fearing spoilers), i noticed that a LOT of the fic tagged with this ship was also tagged merlin/arthur, and despite the fact that i personally am more interested in gen stuff, i started to get both suspicious and annoyed about what i was seeing.  but i also wanted to have the data to back up my annoyed feelings, so i made a little spreadsheet for myself and then just filled it in whenever i had time to kill and wanted something to do. 

the data, when i eventually finished, backed up my annoyance pretty much as well as i expected, which was disappointing, but not surprising.

to clarify - i’m not annoyed by the fact that will and merlin don’t have a whole lot of material in their ship tag.  will only showed up directly in one episode; i don’t expect him to be a popular subject.  what i AM annoyed by is the fact that there are actually more merlin/arthur fics in the merlin/will tag than there are fics that actually focus on...merlin/will.  by, like - an extreme margin.

(the rest of this is just me griping about fandom trends.  popping it under a cut so folks can just move on with their days if this isn’t relevant to their interests.)

The Numbers

two quick notes before i get into the nitty-gritty:

1) i originally did this survey a few months ago, but i updated it this week with fics that have been added since then, so the numbers are current.  

2) some of the data below would probably vary slightly depending on who was conducting the survey, so there’s a bit of wiggle room in either direction.  the criteria i had to use [aka what counts as just a ship ‘mention’ vs actual content] would be subject to reader interpretation, obviously, but even with that, i do feel that most stories fell into pretty clear categories.)

so, without further ado -

total # of fics in the ship tag: 145

number of fics that are inappropriately tagged (meaning either will himself or merlin/will as a ship does not actually appear [which is kind of bizarre, but which i saw happen surprisingly frequently], OR where there is only a brief reference to will or past!merlin/will and that’s the extent of their inclusion: 50

number of fics that are duplicates of works already in the tag (ie podfic), or (in one case) a meta podcast about the show: 5

so, that brings down our total number of fics with some sort of actual merlin/will content to 90.

of these 90 works, only 17 of them are actually focused on merlin/will.  

everything else in will’s ship tag, including the 54 works from the previously discussed "incorrectly tagged” category, is either a) fic where will is dumped, broken up with, or otherwise passed over in favor of arthur (and very occasionally gwaine, at least once mordred, once percival, once arthur and gwaine in a threesome, and once CENRED, which i’m sure will would be especially thrilled about), or b) fic where will is only included as a previous/ex relationship (again, almost always in lieu of arthur).  

moreover - of the 17 actual merlin/will fics, 7 still end with will dying or the relationship ending for reasons other than him being passed over for arthur.  an additional 4 are <1000 word PWP snippets, generally written for old LJ summer pornathons, one of which still somehow manages to be...you guessed it - all about arthur. 

in terms of actual one-shots/full fics where merlin/will is the endgame/non-dead pairing, there are only 6 stories.  

i repeat: will gets six earnest stories, IN HIS OWN SHIP TAG.  

i repeat once again: will, in a non-dead, endgame form, gets 4% of his own ship tag.

The Content

the in-fic trends are frustrating, if you actually like this character.

the asshole.  will is an abusive boyfriend.  he is a jealous ex. he’s a shitty friend.  he’s a stalker.  he’s manipulative.  he’s emotionally abusive.  he’s physically abusive.  he dumps merlin for someone else.  he cheats.  in one fic he’s so mad at merlin that he outs merlin’s magic to arthur.  in multiple fics, i watched him literally go off the rails and try to murder somebody.

the fuckbuddy. they’re just messing around, guys!  no, of course it’s not serious!  they just do this for fun!  of course there’s nothing to get in the way of arthur’s inevitable arrival!  no sirree!

the unrequited.  will is actually in it deep for merlin, but merlin doesn’t feel the same.  this does not, however, prevent merlin from using will for sex, companionship, comfort, distraction, etc - until arthur shows up, when will either steps aside in deference to merlin’s all-consuming passion for arthur or is dropped like a hot potato.

“not even will.”  that sentence.  over and over again.  merlin had never felt like this before, not even with will.  nobody had ever understood merlin like this, not even will.   even in fic when they were like.  married.  or engaged.  fanon arthur pendragon must be truly mind-blowing, y’all.

dead long-term relationship.  will was merlin’s husband/fiancé/long-term partner.  now he is Dead.  merlin getting together with arthur is what allows merlin to Heal.  (these stories sometimes contain some variation of “not even will,” as discussed above.)

lastly, in a related phenomenon:

who are you and what have you done with arthur pendragon???   i suppose in a way it’s nice to know that will isn’t the only one who gets the OOC treatment, but it is still really...something, to read fic where will is twisted into an unpleasant, abusive, canon non-compliant version of himself, and then to see arthur, on the very same page, transformed into a gentle, solicitous, kind, caring, equally canon non-compliant angel.  fanon!arthur is more worried about merlin’s well-being than literally anyone i have ever seen.  he is so invested in merlin’s emotional health.  he is so concerned about merlin’s boundaries.  he says things to merlin that no version of arthur pendragon has ever - EVER - in any universe, thought about saying to anybody.  he wants to hear all about merlin’s problems, and he’s all about taking it slow and making sure merlin feels comfortable and loved and worthy and safe (from all that horrible stuff done by that horrible other guy; that must’ve been so hard, merlin; ‘it’s okay, i’ve got you now’) - the man is utterly unrecognizable.  and you know what?  it’s okay!  it is fine to make your characters as OOC as you want.  it is fine to make them better/nicer than they were in the canon.  sometimes we all want that, right?  it’s fanfic!  have a ball.  i will never tell anyone to stop writing what they like, and i will NEVER interact negatively with a fic i don’t care for.  EVER.  do not do this, people - click the back button and move on with your life.   but i reserve the right to be annoyed, in my own space, about a persistent trend of will and arthur’s canon functions being flat-out reversed, in service of merlin/arthur.  not in the sense that canon!will is particularly gentle or sweet, because that’s not the case - but in the sense that will, in canon, is the one who actually cares about merlin’s best interests, whereas arthur is, quite frankly, the ass. a lovable ass (sometimes).  but an ass nonetheless, and one whose relationship with merlin is, from start to finish, an unhealthy, oppressive mess.

The Point

the point of me typing this up is not to say that what people choose to write is bad or wrong.  this is fanfic!  you can write whatever you want.  you can make characters as OOC as you want.  you can create as many AUs as you want.  i don’t mind fic authors writing stuff i don’t personally care for; someone else probably loves those stories!  and i am never going to interact negatively with anything i don’t personally enjoy - i am going to let people continue to have fun in their own ways, and i am going to grumble about my frustrations in my own space, and then i’m going to direct my energy into writing stuff i would personally like to read.

the point is just that i needed a brief second to complain, on my own blog, about my most familiar bbc merlin nemesis (otherwise known as ‘single-ship ubiquity’).  and what i mean by this is that it is REALLY FRUSTRATING that other little relationships are not even granted the tiniest concession of owning their own ship tags, in a fandom that is already so SATURATED with merlin/arthur content.  like - even if i’m generous and use the number 17 for the number of actual merlin/will fics in the tag, that still means 88% of will’s ship tag is actually fic about merlin falling in love with people who aren’t will (*cougharthur*).  eighty-eight percent!  of his own ship tag!  

(to put it another way - the ship tag isn’t supposed to be where you go to watch your character get repeatedly dumped or left behind for someone else, okay?  it’s supposed to be literally the opposite of that.)

will’s ship tag is already tiny.  and almost all of it belongs to arthur.  moreover, a significant chunk of it uses will as a convenient villain (completely contradicting every canon aspect of his characterization), when in the actual story will dies to protect arthur (who he doesn’t even like) and then lies to save merlin (at the expense of his own reputation, and despite the fact that he personally thinks merlin returning to camelot is a bad idea).  his behavior in canon is selfless, and wholly committed to merlin’s welfare, and yet in his ship tag he gets treated like trash.  

the kid can’t catch a break.  and it’s such a pervasive thing that even though i personally am primarily interested in merlin and will as friends (i am pretty romance-averse in general when it comes to media, and i have never written anything that isn’t gen, for any fandom, ever, in my life), i am also so indignant on will’s behalf that i’ve basically become invested in the well-being of this ship as a matter of principle.  it’s not my main thing, and it’s not necessarily how i view the canon-verse, but i am SO IRRITATED about how virtually all of will’s shipfic has been taken over by merthur (and about how maligned will is in his own tag) that i have actively committed myself to supporting merlin and will together in as many AUs as possible.  

(this is basically like when i trained myself to love allison argent after teen wolf killed her off.  i did that out of spite, y’all.  it’s the principle of the thing.)

so, y’know.  all i am saying is that i think will deserves his share of happy endings, and i think it would be nice to see fics where he is not just a stepping stone on the road to merthur or an unrecognizable parody of himself.

more importantly - EVERY merlin ship deserves to have a tag that isn’t completely swallowed by the local fandom behemoth.  merlin/arthur already owns three quarters of the archive.  a gargantuan oil tanker like that can afford to let the little rarepair canoes float down their own streams in peace.

[bbq-hawks-wings]

Really long ask - Part 1: Hi, sorry for this long rant, but I just wanted to vent since I saw this latest story posted on AO3 and I am restraining myself on commenting on their story so I'm just letting my anger out here about it and other issues regarding fan-depiction of Hawks. It's vaguely related to your post on how DabiHawks or Dabi+Hawks stories make it all about Dabi and always made Hawks out to be the one who starts the problems in their relationship or is the one trying to get Dabi's

Content warning: passing mention of r*pe in a fanfiction.

LOOOONG post under the cut.

(Cont.)

Dabi's attentions when it's canon that it's the complete opposite. This latest story that came up in my feed was about Hawks "harassing" Dabi (who apparently has a backstory of r*pe) and Twice helps Dabi works out his feelings. Among the hoards of tags condemning Hawks, they decided to use "Hawks is very uncool in this fic heads up" so that's another one to add to my filters. I think I also have to block the "Dabi Needs a Hug" tags too bc he's always woobified like heck. 

I really want to read stories where Hawks interacts with Twice since they have a bond/drama with each other, but people have been adding Dabi and either making it seem like Hawks has been gaslighting Dabi in their "relationship" or with Twice. I can acknowledge stories where Hawks feels guilty for what he had to do or Twice being anger/betrayed over Hawks' actions since that is actually what happened; but I will not stand for Dabi claiming Hawks took advantage of Twice or Twice and Dabi having feelings for each other with Hawks in the way bc Dabi is a) the one who let Hawks in b) knew Twice is gullible and c) used Twice as bait. Even in the stories that are cute/causal+funny, Hawks is always the one who gets threatened with fire, harsh insults, or guilted into compliance but the seriousness of the first 2 are always brushed off and the third kinda makes me want it that Hawks doesn't have friends bc most people write him as a bad friend who only cares about his own problems (especially the ones that write Hawks like a celebrity/night club person). 

On writing Dabi, his issues always take priority over everything else, his family loves him, and the lov is always chill with him. He's usually written as the fun asshole/caretaker (bc of his big brother status or ablity to cook). Those factors aren't bad by itself, but it's extremely irritating when the writers/artists can give that level of care to Dabi, but just reduce Hawks to a meme who is a workaholic for the government/scared of punishment & not bc he really cares about the people he saves/helps. It's not like I hate the DabiHawks pairing, but the majority of the content (esp the recent ones), are frustrating to read & Hawks' character is usually written in bad out of character extremes. I am really mystified that I'm praying for canon content rather than fanmade most of the time.

Phew! After the back and forth it looks like we got to the end of that! (Or did we?! *Dun dun DUUUUN*) If not, though, feel free to keep the asks rolling. Lol Foxy and I are usually pretty happy to receive as many asks as people want to send even if it takes us a while, individually, to get to it. Now to finally address what you sent.

I find myself in a weird place when it comes to OOC fanfic because on the one hand people can write whatever they want, and I don’t really have a place to criticize them; but also when they blatantly and willingly misinterpret a character so they have grounds to bash on them it also leaves me acutely uncomfortable. I don’t think I’d call it “problematic” as much as a squick? Like, if they’re willing to blow past all the obvious proof to the contrary about their claims of a fictional character just because they hate them, then are they willing to do the same thing to a real person? Usually, those kinds of thoughts are pointlessly extreme, but we know those who unironically and/or unapologeticly call fans of the heroes “bootlickers” so... It’s like, ooc vent fics are also fine; and if you want to rewrite a character to fit the narrative scheme you’ve set up that’s cool as long as its tagged (“ooc [character]” or something) and/or just mention in the a/n that they knowingly and willingly mischaracterized them for the sake of the fic. Just. Don’t. Claim. It’s. Canon.

And speaking of canon, as much as I’m sure Horikoshi knew Hawks and Dabi were going to end up shipped I think it’s obvious that he never was going to canonically write them ending up together, yet here comes the “canon must validate my headcanon” crowd calling him a bad writer because the author had some bigger narrative goal in mind than having two pretty anime boys kissing.

And the worst part to me is, I feel there’s a distinct slice of the DabiHawks crowd missing out on some of the possibilities of this ship by intentionally mischaracterizing them. Like, the aesthetic equal/opposite draw of the ship is phenomenal as it is and I don’t even ship them, but I can see a wide range of possible fics based solely on the principle that they are canonically incompatible!

At the end of the day, Dabi is a dime-a-dozen edgelord - that pain in the butt OC that so many newbie D&D players make that they think is so deep and dark and mature, but is about as cookie-cutter as they come. It’s not that this kind of character is unsalvageable or a hopeless Gary Stu character, just that they don’t often come across as compelling in and of themselves or that they need more than just selfish hatred to carry them through a series. Two kinds of edgelords that can be done well are the “Out of the Ashes” edgelord and “I’ll Pull You Into Hell With Me” edgelord. The first kind recognizes there’s more to life than their sad backstory and getting even and thus choose to aspire to more noble causes - think Joel from The Last of Us. The second recognizes they’re actively doing wrong and come to embrace it - being more concerned with getting what they want than taking the moral high ground - think Frank Castle, aka the Punisher - and even these darker, “unsaveable” kinds of edgelord antiheroes can have redeeming qualities such as meeting and helping a young hopeful and telling them, “I know I’m on the road to hell, so if you want to save yourself you’d better not follow me.”

Dabi actually has what he needs to become the second type right now (assuming he’s Touya) and could even evolve into the first not unlike Kratos from God of War, but that potential can’t be fully recognized until you admit that he’s fundamentally self-centered and a bad person as-is. He may have the tragic backstory complete with justifiable hate at his genuinely abusive father, but rather than using that as fuel to see that never happen to anyone else like it did him - he just wants to get even. He burns people alive, knowing well he’s participating in the same destruction that his father committed to make him what he is now. He doesn’t recognize any of the merits of hero society and is only concerned with burning it to ash. He could use what happened to his family to incite compassion in his heart and take others under his wing, but instead he uses people as a mean to his own ends. He isn’t even proper grimdark - he’s just your run of the mill egotistical megalomaniac with a punk aesthetic.

And that’s still a good character in the grand scheme of things, maybe just not alone! Moreso, it’s a good villain and EVEN BETTER when you put him next to Hawks who is at his core:

Fundamentally Hopepunk!

Hopepunk is about being good and kind as an act of rebellion against a cruel and unfair world no matter how bleak it gets or how badly you’re beaten down. Despite his own cruel past, Hawks still has a heart to help others for no other reason than to help them, he constantly changes the odds to save as many people as he can when he’d be given a pass for letting the cards fall where they will, and not only is his aim to “help others” but to make sure that there’ll never be need for heroes again. He’s an active rebel against the system fighting with kindness and goodness, fervently looking and listening for the next opportunity to do good.

In agreement with you, Hawks and Twice are interesting to explore because while Twice is an optimist looking to make the world a better place, he’s still a step or two removed from Hawks’ worldview because Twice refuses to let go of the “family” he found for himself while Hawks is willing to sacrifice himself for others. That dynamic is so interesting, and it’s what made them so initially compatible and subsequently heartbreaking in canon.

And it’s such a disappointment to see this unwaveringly earnest character reduced to “shitty fratboy” so often. For a lot of people newer to his character I can understand the confusion, but there really isn’t an excuse if you’ve been reading the series, and the possibilities for fics with this canon personality are just so much more interesting to explore, especially with Dabi as his sort-of opposite.

For DabiHawks to work well, you have to recognize that something has to give in either of them. Some of the juiciest, most angsty content is when you have two characters grow close together over commonalities only to be reminded that despite everything else they share, that One Thing will always keep them from truly being able to see eye-to-eye. Either Dabi has to grow past his hatred and relearn compassion and empathy, or Hawks has to lose grip of that hopeful vision he has and fall into despair. Both options are good to explore, but both require the acknowledgement that Dabi’s view of the world is fundamentally bleak and selfish, especially compared to Hawks’. For a supposed revolutionary out to change the world for the better whose a diamond in the rough with a heart of gold, that’s not exactly on-brand; and at the end of the day the issue is that some are unwilling to admit that what they wanted Dabi to be is likely not going to happen and they love that fake version Dabi more than they love what Hawks actually stands for which is why Hawks always gets the shaft in the end.

I still personally hold a bit of a grudge against the DaiHawks ship as a whole purely because, as you said, Dabi always seems to take priority over Hawks instead of letting the two build a dynamic together. Hawks is always the one who has to give, and the torture porn some have made him go through to “make the ship work” is downright disturbing to me. Even at its height DabiHawks content completely flooded the Hawks character tags on Tumblr with some of the same problems that have persisted to this day such as emphasizing their aesthetic as opposed to their dynamic and rampant mischaracterization.

Anyway, that’s my long-winded response. What do you think, @autumn-foxfire?

[hydra-collector]

Suck Me Out

Ships: Intrulogical, some Intruloceit

Characters: Remus Sanders, Logan Sanders, Janus Sanders (minor character), Roman Sanders (minor character), Virgil Sanders (minor character), Patton Sanders (minor character)

TW: Self-harm, choking, autoerotic asphyxation (not really though), depression, self-deprecation, I don’t want to spoil but if any of those previous tags bother you even a little, I suggest you don’t read this (I’ll tag the spoiler, though), cursing

Words: 1,716

Summary: Remus wouldn't expect them to understand. He's intrusive thoughts, god of kinks. Of course they wouldn't see it. But once in a while he wished they would.

"I'm serious, Logan," Remus gestured to his tightly adorned garment, "necktie."

Logan rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. "When you're done with your kinks, join us for movie night. We finally get to watch a documentary."

Remus shrugged and pulled tighter the pretty blue tie that had previously been on Logan's neck. His face was purple from the cutoff of blood and his hand struggled to keep grip. He began to tilt backwards a little towards the wall before Logan took his arm and pried away the tie.

"Remus, stop. You're gonna fall."

"But it feels so good."

Logan only sighed in response and reclaimed the tie around his own neck, leading Remus to the living room. 

Roman was the first to speak out of the welcoming mumbles.

"Remus, save your arousal for night time. We're trying to watch a fun movie about space," though he seemed skeptical of the amount he could enjoy a documentary.

Patton scolded the two of them for mentioning such subjects, but swiftly put on the movie anyway. 

Virgil and Roman became surprisingly enamored in the science of black holes and their possible opposite, white holes. Logan excitedly paused it at multiple points to fawn over or elaborate on some of the research like a child. Remus, however, sat leaning against Logan, staring mindlessly at the television.

What if I was in a black hole? 

Remus tried to shake the thought off, but it was persistent. 

If black holes lead to white ones that spit you out into another universe, could my world here end? 

Maybe he'd be happy in this other universe. Something in his brain would change and the sadness would be gone. Or maybe it'd be traumatic. 

"...Remus!"

"Huh?"

"I paused the movie to see if you were alright. You did not seem to notice when I did."

"Yeah, I'm, I'm fine. Think I'll just…" mumbling off something about the bathroom. 

The minute he left he felt lonely. And stupid. Lonely and stupid. He shouldn't have let them see that. Now Logan's gonna be concerned because there's obviously something wrong. He stared intently at the mirror. 

Ugly. They hate me. 

What if he said that to them? He'd be guilt-tripping them and he'd be a terrible person. Even thinking it , he's a terrible person. Die.

His arms flashed to his neck, grabbing as tight as possible. His balance began failing… 

No, he can't do that. Then he worries them and they don't need that. How does he even know death is better than this?

Thomas doesn’t need him. Thomas doesn’t want him. His mental health would be better if he never even existed. Thomas doesn’t deserve what he does.

I want to fix that.

He can't help but cry. Muffled shrieks that must sound like moans from the living room. Sharp breaths that must sound like enjoyment slip out. Hits to his arms and legs that only add to the many bruises sound disgusting to them.

But none of it is. 

Sure, they have good reason to believe that Remus has some kinks, he is indeed mostly intrusive thoughts, which he’d admit is related to kinks, but he half-wished they wouldn't assume. He didn't really want them to know, but it killed him to be constantly alone about it. 

Alone.

Forever alone.

Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil. They’re the “light sides.” Of course he’s happy Janus got accepted, but… he doesn’t get that. He probably never will.

Fuck it. 

He tiptoed his way to his bedroom, ceiling adorned with a hook in preparation. On a day easier than this, he’d drilled it for today. Under his bed sat a box holding the rope, paper, and pen he’d carefully hidden. He thanked his previous self.

Tying the noose, his ears kept open for visitors wondering where he was. Before he hung himself at last, he wrote.

I’m sorry. 

Patton, Virgil, I love you. Janus, I love you. My brother, I love you. And Logan. I love you. Thank you for caring. 

But it wasn’t a kink.

He questioned if he should refer to Roman as his brother, and decided at last to do it. He didn’t want to alienate him as he died. He’d never get to tell him again.

I’m glad this is the end. I wasn’t needed.

He kicked the chair from under him.

Thomas will be happier without me.

As the rope constricted, relief and fear washed over him.

They all will.

“Remus!”

--

His throat hurt.

“Remus?”

He then noticed he could see a face. A beautiful face.

Logan?

“L-”

As soon as he tried to speak, his throat stopped him. Logan took his cheek in comfort.

“It’s okay, Remus. We found you. You’re going to be okay.”

He looked around to find he was sitting on his soft bed, pillows piled behind his head. The rope, and the hook were both gone. A drill, that had presumably been used to remove the hook, sat on the far dresser.

“We found your note.” It was Roman this time.

“I’m so sorry we ever thought it was a kink. We should have talked to you.” Logan’s eyes were gazing prettily at Remus’s.

“-”

He was reminded he couldn’t speak, so pointed to the paper on which his note was, and made a writing motion. Logan soon obliged to his wishes, though getting a different paper. Remus began to write. Again.

You had good reason to think it was.

He smiled a bit, and would have laughed, when Roman and Logan read this. They didn’t seem as amused as he was, and only looked worried. He flailed his arms to get the paper back.

Y’all don’t understand my sense of humor.

Where’s everyone else?

Logan beckoned to the door and Janus, Virgil, and Patton came in. Seeing Janus’s scales, his beautiful face… he never did get to ask him out.

Janus.

Logan brought him over while Remus wrote his message.

Probably not the best time, but I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that both me and Logan have a crush on you.

“What?”

His human side grew red. Someone, who you like, who’s just attempted suicide telling you they want to date you is a very odd feeling.

“Remus, what did you-” Logan attempted to look at his message to Janus, and immediately shut up when he saw it.

Can I talk to Virgil now?

Virgil had been snickering in his corner, seemingly able to read the paper. He stopped as soon as he was called, putting on a more serious face.

Sorry Janus pushed you down the stairs.

“Wh- you’re not going to say some sad thing about me leaving the dark sides and you getting depressed? Just apologizing for Janus?”

I’m not going to blame it on you. It was Janus who pushed you down the stairs. And my idea.

“I’d call you an asshole but you’ve just attempted suicide and this is your daily personality.”

Remus made peace signs before requesting to talk to Patton, who unsurprisingly apologized over and over for treating Remus like a piece of shit. He did need to apologize, but Remus knew he was making an effort. Even if it wasn’t going very well.

Hey Ro-Ro, my bro-bro.

Roman also apologized. 

I mean we were literally split for you to be the “good” brother and me to be the “bad” one. If anything that made it the worst.

Roman had nothing to do but give him a hug.

Logan,

could I have a kiss?

Logan smiled and kissed Remus lightly on the cheek. He was pretty sure it wasn’t a good idea to kiss someone on the lips if they’d been frothing at the mouth. 

That was tiny!

He would have gone to cuddle and kiss Remus more if no one else had been there. For now, Remus hugged everyone individually until they dispersed. 

Thankfully, Logan was put on watch duty, to make sure Remus really was feeling better, as he seemed, and wouldn’t try anything.

Logan pressed kisses to Remus’s forehead, cheeks, and nose. His warmth bled onto Remus, who desperately needed it. Logan’s eyes were beautiful. His arms wrapped around him. He felt safe. Remus snuggled into the affection, nearly happy he’d attempted suicide and been found. But-

He picked up the pen and paper again, reluctant to let go.

Logan, what if I did that because I wanted attention?

“Hey, Remus, no. You did it because everyone’s been against you. It’s made you feel like you don’t matter. But you do. We need you. Even if you did because of attention, it was because you needed attention. It’s okay if you wanted attention. If you were willing to go to… those lengths just to get attention, you needed it.”

Logan

thank y-

Remus’s eyes filled with bittersweet tears before he managed to finish writing, and he clutched Logan tight. He let go again to tell him more.

I felt so horrible. I still feel so horrible. I’m sorry I acted so happy when I wasn’t. I know you care but I shouldn’t be here. All I do is hurt Thomas. Now I’ll hurt him even more because I failed. He’s going to feel like shit. I’d pull out my own organs and put them in my horrible person pile if I could. It would have been okay if I’d succeeded. I’m so sorry if you would’ve missed me, but I can’t keep hurting Thomas. If I would’ve died he would have been fine, but I failed so-

Remus sobbed into Logan’s arms again, laying as close as possible, feeling his warmth, his body as much as possible. His boyfriend rubbed his hand over his back, arms, through his hair. He was starting to cry a little as well. He felt so horrible that he hadn’t helped how Remus felt.

“Remus, if a part of Thomas died, he’d have a piece of himself missing. It may not seem like Thomas wants or needs you, but you’re a part of him nonetheless.”

What do I do?

“Remus,” Logan turned his boyfriend’s face gently to look him in the eyes, “all you need to do is stay alive.”

What if I can’t?

“I'll be with you. As long as you need. You stay alive as long as you can.”

[kuchenackerman]

you're an eremika fan so i figured i'll ask haha. i wrote my first EM fanfic and i'm so apprehensive about actually uploading it. i don't think i'm too bad a writer, but self proofing can only go so far and i'm concerned as to whether it'll actually gain any traction or not. do you know if people still read eremika fanfics/how do you gather the confidence to post your work? :/ also ur rad!

First of all, congrats on writing your first eremika fic! I wonder if by this time you already published it though? You sadly sent me this ask when I was focused on writing and editing an update to my own EM fic, so I probably was reserving my last two adhd braincells to be able to finish it lmao, which is why I didn’t reply in time and then... I forgot to do it and for that I’m very sorry!

If you still don’t publish your fic or you’re still interested on my answer, I’ve seen other people go through a similar struggle, and as a fellow writer I can understand your concern regarding of whether your fic will gain traction or not. When it comes to this last thing, it often depends on many factors, like on how active the fandom is by the time you publish your fic, on what people are looking to read about lately (i.e. fluff, angst and/or smut) and on the ship developments (or lack of it) currently going on in the manga. For example, as far as I remember, after chapter 123 dropped people were writing and reading oneshot fics about the “what am I to you?” flashback, and basically the same happens whenever we get some tasty (?) and especially angsty EM-related scenes in the manga (including chapter 112, lol). Writers get inspired to “fix” or develop these panels further and readers crave that content as well, so they kinda jump on it right after it gets published. In these cases, authors often get a quick and decent amount of feedback in a short span of time, which is amazing. When you are one of these authors with the ability to swiftly pull out a wholesome oneshot related to a fresh eremika scene, I guess you don’t have to worry THAT much about whether it will get at least a bit of attention or not, because people are going to be thirsty for that content and will consume it as soon as it’s available. Most of these readers are going to show appreciation for it in terms of likes, reblogs, kudos, comments, etcetera, without you having to wait too long. 

When we publish fics that aren’t related to the manga current developments and stuff, the first thing to do is to be able to get the reader’s attention with a catchy summary and the proposal of an interesting plot / situation between Eren and Mikasa. To increase the chances of people reading your stuff, it’s also important to make a post with the fic’s link and info here on Tumblr and on other social media platforms like Twitter, always using the eremika tag. 

And yeah, I assure you there’s a lot of people who still read EM fics. There’s even been an interesting influx of new eremika shippers thanks to what’s been going on during the timeskip and in latest chapters. However, between 2013 and early 2015 the SnK fandom overall was way more active and also fic writers got way more feedback. We have to consider that there was a more limited supply of EM fics back then of course, especially in 2013-2014, so I guess the feedback was also way more concentrated while the demand was kinda bigger than nowadays. If you’ve checked old fics mostly on FFnet that were published years ago, you probably already saw and know what I mean. I mention this because it’s important to not compare the amount of feedback that most EM fics receive today with what those older fics got. The reality of the fandom is too different now after the initial hype...

Regarding your question about gathering confidence, well, in my case I don’t have confidence issues in general and less when it comes to fandom. What I do is to just do something I feel like doing, enjoy the process of doing it and then put it out there without further questions. I don’t think I’m the best writer or anything, but I do believe in the value of what I write and of the other things I make. There are a few times when I look at what I’ve written and I’m like “pfft this sucks” and get very critical about it, while at other times I’m like “ohh, that’s some good shit! I really wrote that myself, huh? *pats own back*”, though most of the time I’m mainly conscious about the effort, love and creativity I pour into what I write among the enjoyment (and suffering lmao) I experience when I’m on it, which makes me appreciate it more. In your case, you already wrote something and you know it involved a degree of effort and time, so why not going ahead and sharing it? Even more so when showing it to others was your intent since the very beginning~

I think it’s totally worth it to share what you’ve written rather than never allowing it to see the light of day because of self-doubts. As with many other situations, you take a risk when you put something out there for others to see and dissect, but you also get the chance to receive nice responses that can make your day and, since readers provide you with feedback that help you to be more aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you also get the chance to improve your writing skills.  

We love the same amazing pairing and it deserves way more content and love, so please, give it a try and share your fanfic with the fandom! 

[mcrmadness]

I really shouldn’t do this. Just thinking about people who are no longer a part of my life either because they decided to stop talking to me or because I decided it was better to part ways. And it’s making me sad and I hate it. Mainly because I’m again starting to feel invisible and lonely and apparently I then tend to torture myself even more by making me go and do things that I then associate with these people.

But I also hate it how I feel like I don’t have a normal concept of human relation(ship)s at all. Sometimes I wonder if I have played just too much The Sims games in my life (I started when I was 9 so I have played these games for 20 years) because I feel like the way I see the relationships is exactly how it is in the sims games. Don’t interact in a while and soon you get a message “you are no longer friends with X”. That’s literally how I feel friendships in my head. I feel like whenever there’s a long pause, that will mean that the friendship will be automatically reset back to 0 by time. Whenever there’s something we both like and have in common, it’s immediate green plus marks on the friendship and a positive moodlet. When we disagree or don’t have something in common, it will give red minus marks. And maintaining relationships feels as difficult as it is in the sims games too - tell them the same thing twice and it will be minus points. Tell them a thing they don’t like and it’s minus points, if you’re too close to 50%, maybe it drops from friends to acquintances. If you tell a succesful joke, you’re friends again. And right now I’m feeling like I’m “losing” all my friends because there’s been too huge pause with everyone and I feel sad about anything I associate with them because I feel like a friendship is over even when no one has said anything like that. It’s all in my head and it’s like a delusion because the second someone talks to me again, I forget ever even having such feels. But when the next pause comes, I again start to prepare myself for the moment where I’m left alone and never talked to again. Maybe I just have had this kind of situations so often in my life that I’m already preparing myself for that moment so that it won’t be that big of a shock when it happens.

I know it’s not healthy and it’s not RIGHT towards my friends to constantly be like this but can I change? Is there anything I could do to change this? I don’t always even recognize when I’m doing this, only lately I have woken up to this and it makes me feel bad because, like that one post I made several weeks ago, I’m really concerned that am I one of those unstable friends that will drive everyone around them into exhaustion eventually. Are people getting out of my life only to protect themselves? I feel like I’m always just too much to everyone and that I’m left alone in the end because I’m the only one who cannot escape me. I have to live with my brains and listen to all the shit it comes up. I’d love to cancel myself too if I could, but I can’t.

When my depersonalization/derealization was at its worst, I acually felt like I was invisible. Some days I was legit wondering if I was even alive. I was wondering if I was a ghost or idk, in a coma but just had no clue. I felt like people did not see me anywhere, I still can remember being to a grocery store and almost being run over by someone with a shopping cart and so many people almost walked against me and I just remember that moment so well as I got really frustrated and I was almost certain that I must be invisible, how else would people almost run over me with a shopping cart and they did not even look at me, as if I was not even there! Some days I thought maybe my minor car crash in 2010 put me into coma (yeah, Life On Mars uk much???) because I haven’t felt like the time would have passed AT ALL since that. I still feel like I’d be 19 and I’m supposed to be 29. Like, HOW???

And now I’m starting to have that feel of being invisible again. I have a nice amount of followers on Tumblr and this is something that I don’t really want to address at all because I appreciate every single one there and I could not care less about the number itself. But I’m starting to feel like... how could I gain more followers who would be interested in my stuff too? Like, I feel like talking to walls here. I bet no one is reading this post either. I so often feel like venting and writing down my thoughts but then I feel like there’s no point in that because I could as well write in a diary, which I hate, because as many people are going to read these as there’s people who can read my diary. Aka none. Not even me. I don’t like reading my diary and usually I also do not come back to these posts I put in Tumblr. Sometimes I browse my posts and am like “wtf have I been writing???” but I guess that’s the main point too, just to get it out of my system and I don’t need them back, mainly because they never really leave, they just evolve into new stuff I will vent here sooner or later too.

I am an attention whore who is afraid of being the center of attention. Sure if I tagged my posts more I might get more people to find me but I’m also afraid of being found or that my personal posts get reblogged. I don’t really want these to be on anyone’s dash except when it’s my original post. My social anxiety is afraid of notes and my HSP is afraid of the reactions I might get because of notes. But whenever I do something that I wish would get notes, I get none. And every time that happens, my perfectionism feels violated and I feel like a failure and that I suck at everything ever. Sometimes I am even shocked by the fact I post something like this and then suddenly remember that I have no idea how many people out these even is seeing these on their dash. What do they think? Do they see these and be like “oh god again that pathetic creature is whining some shit *eyeroll*” or do they just skip because idc.

I have so many times in my life felt like I am less than everyone else. It’s because when I was 13, my best friend turned out to be a narcissist (if that is possible for a 13-years-old) and we stopped being friends and eventually I made everyone else mad at me too and was alone, lonely and hated by everyone for a couple of years and your teens is the worst time for that to happen. I still don’t know if I was the villain or those girls. So I start feeling like a failure and worse than everyone very easily. AT some point I tried to get attention with my art but I didn’t succeed and I always felt like a failure then. “I should be better at arts, maybe I’d then be seen and approved.” During my worst time I actually thought I was relating to Garfield’ Jon so much and I legit thought I exist in this world only so that everyone else can feel a little bit better about themselves because there’s always at least one person who is worse than them. I literally felt like the meaning of my life was to make others feel better just because of how much of a loser I am. That’s why I feel sad when I see people getting asks all the time. I’m not really jealous or angry, I’m just sad because it just makes me remember how useless I am and how boring my life is and how bring absolutely nothing to this world and how... just invisible I am. I bet all ask posts have been on people’s dashes but no one just find me interesting enough to send questions. But I can’t blame them, because would I send myself asks if I was someone else and saw me on their dash? No. (Well, soon I will if no one else does, let’s see how out of my mind I will look for other people then lol.) I’d probably just unfollow my user because of what a pain in the ass I really am after all.

So whatever, a long post and useless blabber and just letting out some steam. I’ll go to watch some TV now and try to get over this. I’m also feeling like I hate Tumblr, I don’t want to come here to be disappointed because no one wants to know anything about me but I also can’t keep myself away from here because I want to know if I’ve got any asks because that would be some interesting stuff to do for my brains. So it’s like I have my hopes high only to be crushed in a minute and I keep doing this cycle every 5 minutes because I can’t decide if I should be a pessimist or an optimist.

Gosh, am I being selfish or what? I hate being selfish and I hate selfish people. But why am I still constantly talking about myself? Hypocrite much??? I wish I could unfollow the “blog” in my brains.

[did-he-just-hiss-at-me]

"You're My Hero" Pt 2: Good Ending

Warnings: getting robbed, censored cursing, minor injuries (lmk if i forgot any)

Summary: Virgil is a superhero. Logan is a fanboy of hero!Virgil. This time, Virgil isn't so careful...

Ships: Analogical

AU: Superhuman!Virgil (NOT the same as my Supers AU)

Notes: this is the canon ending, even tho i love the bad ending a lot too. but aa aa this was so fun to write and all the support i got was amazing!!! thank you to the people in the tag list!! ❤️ sorry for tagging y'all thrice

Taglist: @bean-of-cheese @watchoutforthefanfics @notalwaysthebadguy @imnotalwaysthebadguy @tottalynotgayatall @phantom-moonfire @theoffical-virgilsanders @ayesthoughts @ollyollyoxinfree @aleiimm @virgil-is-baby-boi @ballisticfan123 @rosiethephoenix @thestarswelcomemewithopenarms

-----

Logan cried for help.

Luckily, Virgil was flying over head, maskless. Just his hood. He saw what was going on down there, Logan was being mugged and beat up. Virgil panicked. His crush was in trouble.

Without fully thinking, Virgil dived down and kicked the main person holding Logan down, causing everybody to fall to the ground. Virgil got back next to Logan, materialized his secret weapon and crouched into this position for Logan's protection. He quickly grabbed his glasses and quietly said "Well, thank you, Raven! I-" but he was cut off by a realization that struck him upon putting on his glasses and seeing the hero.

Virgil's hood left a shadow over his face, but upon jumping back, his hood shook loose. The bad guys were still regaining their composure from falling over, but Logan could see Virgil's facial features clearly.

The black wings that faded to a purplish-silver. The shortened cloak that allowed him to fly while still hiding his identity. The dagger that had materialized into his hand. Even the iconic protective pose. This was no phony, Virgil is The Raven. How did he not see that before?!

Virgil didn't seem to realize what had just happened. He was too focused on protecting Logan to realize his mistake. He pulled on his mask, put his hood back up and lunged at the biggest of the bad guys to take him down first.

Logan sat there, stunned. His eyes were dry from crying prior to Virgil's arrival, and he was starting to gain a headache from looking through the cracked lens in his glasses.

As Virgil started to fight, Logan felt odd. This explained so much, but... His best friend of many years was also his idol and crush. It explained why Virgil would never talk about his job, or got antsy when Logan was talking about how great The Raven was.

It brought about some odd feelings. So Logan, wide eyed, sat there and contemplated them.

Meanwhile, Virgil tried to fight off the criminals. There was no way they were getting away with hurting and stealing from Logan. Of course, they are were fighting with hands. Virgil's dagger is actually blunt, to signify that even when he has to resort to violence he does not want to draw blood.

Eventually the toughest two males of the group were down and in cuffs. The other two started running away with Logan's stuff, and Virgil started to run after them but then stopped in his tracks, remembering Logan.

Virgil glances back at Logan to see him wide eyed, and thinking hard. But there was no time, so Virgil continued after the criminals.

Roughly 20 mins later, Logan snaps out of his little daze. "I need to talk to Virgil."

And right on queue, Virgil comes back, carrying two unconscious baddies. Virgil turns to see Logan who just stood up. The hero calls out saying "You're safe now, sir!" He then walks over and hands Logan his bag, and continues with "Sorry about your stuff. You should get home now."

Virgil then runs away, starting to take off. Logan, despite being tired, runs after him and grabs his hood, unintentionally yanking it off his head.

Virgil immediately stops and chuckles; "Oh, haha, you want my autogra-" Virgil still refused to turn around for fear of exposing his identity(as if his now exposed colorful hair meant nothing)

Logan then interrupts his hero saying "No... *huff* I know who you are." Logan was still tired, he had let go of Virgil's hood, and now had his hands on his upper legs, attempting to catch his breath. "Virgil, I know it's you."

Virgil, shocked and scared, tries to run again; But then he stops, sighing in defeat. "Fine. I'll admit."

As Logan continues to recompose himself. Virgil slowly turns around and takes off his mask. "H-h... Heyyyy, Logan... What-uh, What's up?" said the hero incredibly nervously.

Logan shared a soft smile. "I knew it had to be you." But then his smile faltered, turning into concern. "Why after all these years, did you never tell me?"

Virgil sighed again, and grabbed Logan's hands, raising them to the height of their chests.. "It's for your safety. If ANYONE knew I had any close relations- whether it be family, friend, or lover- those close to me would immediately become target for kidnapping and ransom. I can't let that happen to you, Lo." said the hero, sadly with fear.

Logan nodded, understanding. He opened his mouth to say something but then Virgil continued some more. "Plus, I know how you feel about The Raven. It would make things awkward..." Both of the figures lowered their heads, the same feeling travelling through them.

"... After all, how can I be with you if you're constantly fawning over something that i'm not 24/7...?" Virgil said, with a chuckle. But then a few seconds later the emo realized what he had done and let go of Logan's hands, backing away.

Virgil was freaking out. "Oh no oh no oh no,,, f**k what have i done-" Virgil grabbed onto his collar and lowered his head, staring at ground.

Before Virgil even could register it, Logan lifted his head, wrapped his arms around the emo's neck and brought him into a kiss.

Virgil panicked some more for a second, but then submitted to the gesture. It was better than the two even imagined. They were both tearing up from the joy they felt.

Eventually they pulled away, filled with glee. Logan smiled, and Virgil reciprocated the move. "You know what? I've been waiting for this day for years. I just never thought it would happen like this." giggled the hero as he used his powers to hide his wings.

"Frankly, I never expected this at all, but I'm so glad it happened." replied Logan, and then he gave Virgil a peck on the cheek. "Thank you for saving me."

"N-no problem, L." Virgil said in response, and then they walked home.

-----

[Bad Ending]

[Part 1]

[spikeymarshmallows]

so, TUA s2 thoughts

I haven’t actually finished it but I’ve got the gist of it lol

I finished it this afternoon! Whoo!

Spoilers under the cut.

So I had a few Big Fears going in. And none of them eventuated. WHOO. Or didn’t eventuate in the ways I was most concerned about.

1. I was scared they’d give Reginald a Redemption Arc TM. They did not. Thank god.

2. I was scared that the sibling interactions would suck. They did not! They were amazing. Glorious. I had to rewind so many to just truly savour them.

3. I was worried about Lila. I mean, she “gets in the way of my ship” but I’m good at ignoring that. Honestly, I kinda dug her.

4. I was worried about the “ewwwww incest” stuff. But they... actually didn’t do it terribly. Luther and Allison still clearly adore each other. It was referenced a number of times and never as an “ewwww”. I really loved that. There were some gorgeous moments and like, as one of my friends said... It seemed like they were trying to sit neutral on the issue. Which I can understand and respect.

5. I was worried about the Kliego interactions. And yeah, we didn’t really get them. BUT as a writer, I definitely felt I got more sand to play with. I’m already working on at least three new ideas and I haven’t even finished the season yet. Also, I definitely am gonna need more Luego, more Biego, and if I ever stop feeling shy, I’ll probs join Electra-XT and achilleees on their Fiego ship. I’m just realising what the common denominator is here but that’s also not a surprise. Diego is my baby and I ship him with everyone.

Things I wasn’t scared about per se, but was pleasantly surprised about:

Allison and Raymond - I went in a bit cautious because it looked like the Alluther was going to be all EWWWW INCEST. But... god, the love that man had for her... He was just wonderful. It was just beautiful. I really genuinely enjoyed them.

The sit-in etc - I was scared about this one, but not in the same way as I was that Reginald would get a redemption arc. I’m a white person, and I’m not from the US so I cannot comment fully on it, but... it seemed like they tried to do a good job with it. I definitely need to read more about race relations in that time period in particular before I can comment effectively. The police brutality was.... brutal. Heart wrenching. And timely given what we’re seeing in the world right now, and have been seeing for far too long. Defund the goddamn police.

Klaus’ hair and outfits - seems inane compared to the last point.... But like. I thought Robbie looked so incredibly hot all season. I miss his goth aesthetic but... damn. He looked so gooooood.

Diego’s hair and outfits - I expected to hate them more than I did. Apparently my rare sexual attraction to him knows no limits because I was so thirsty watching him. 

Luther - I was so happy that he was so fucking likeable! I have been on the “we do not insult luther hargreeves in this house” team for quite a while, but I felt that Luther really shone this season. My big, soft, idiot, earnest boy...

Elliot - I rather enjoyed him! RIP.

Some things I was less than thrilled about....

The siblings being mean to Diego : ( - The “Klaus Hargreeves Needs a Hug” tag got a beating last season. I swear, if we don’t get 500 “Diego Hargreeves Gets A Hug” fics, I’m gonna write them all my damn self. I’m also not going “uwu my baby had people be mean to him : (((((” but like. No. No, that.... A lot of it kinda really got me down.

The Ben possessing Klaus stuff - Like. I get it. But I just... Klaus might be annoying but he was pretty : ( at being possessed and like... It felt pretty icky to me. Klaus literally said he felt violated. Ben was all “mwahahaha once you sleep I’m gonna take over your body”. I get why Ben was annoyed and why he wanted to. Doesn’t mean I feel nice about that whole... thing.

The Vanya/Sissy thing - I see a lot of sides of the coin here. I have some friends who were thrilled because they love Vanya being a lesbian, and having representation. But I also saw: stereotyping of what A Lesbian Is, pigeonholing Ellen to only play lesbians. Also, like, I went in cautious, but I was just... .....kinda bored with that storyline? And yeah, I would have preferred to just... you know, not have the amnesia. I liked seeing Vanya be happier, sure, but.. IDK it just didn’t make sense to me from a storytelling perspective.

Lila and Diego - Initially, I quite liked her. As a character, I enjoyed her. My ship aside.... Honestly, it makes me a bit *grimacing emoji* to see some of the stuff we saw. Like, I’m far from someone who thinks ships need to be Good and Pure. But at least some of the stuff I saw between them (such as, IDK, drugging... kidnapping... etc) makes it a bit of a nOTP. Not a FULL nOTP, but like... It definitely went from “awww” and “lolll” to “hmmm, not... not sure this particular pairing is for me personally”.

Things I wasn’t scared about but loved:

FIVE - Good god, Aidan has always been an impressive little fucker but he really stepped it up a notch this season. I loved the way he went psycho. I loved the love he always has for his family. I adored his lines. I adored his vulnerability, the little cracks we really got to see. He loves his family so fucking much T.T

DIEGO - They gave David some really, really good stuff to work with this season and he aced it. He was absolutely sensational. I adore this man. AND HIS POWERS. 

KLAUS - Weird thing to be OMG about but... ......I was super there for Robbie’s legs this season... They’re so.. skinny. IDK, it’s weird. But I loved it. I loved his hair. I loved his outfits.

ALLLLLISSONNNNNNN - This woman is perfect. The End.

Misc Thoughts

Damn, given the above, it sounds like I’m all “uwu, all things must be good and pure” and that’s so not my standpoint. But I am team “there needs to be some basic respect both ways”, even for enemies to lovers. So I felt a bit :/ at some of the Horrance stuff and Diego/Lila stuff. Not that I hate them! Just... ....Some of it wasn’t to my taste. But that’s okay, I can ignore a lot of stuff!

I definitely don’t hate the pairings! Rather there were a few things in those pairings that personally didn’t blink as “WHEEEE” for me... But I’ll just ignore those elements and focus on the bits I did like and... YAY!

Overall, honestly, I really loved this season. We needed more Kliego, but I loved the Five and Diego interactions, Diego and Luther... Klaus and Allison... Five and Luther... Just. Just. I was really delighted at so many things we saw.

I thought so many of the interactions just shone. I loved them.

I’ve seen some people be really upset and mad and confused etc, about how the siblings were at the dinner with Reginald. I’ve written my thoughts on it here. TLDR: for someone who has experienced abuse from a parental figure, their responses aligned extremely well with my own experiences. 

NGL, Klaus being all “T.T” about being touched all the time was.... good?? IDK, it gave me Ideas TM.

I have fic ideas!!!

It’s weird... I thought this was a really Light and Bright season but I also... Know I felt a lot of T.T and hearthurt. In good ways.

[olietus]

Humans are space orcs - Devin

This story is semi-related to 'Resentment' that I wrote earlier, but I'm not yet sure to what capacity. I feel quite excited to write and experiment a little with these characters and concepts, and I'd be delighted if anyone has any feedback, advice or even writing prompts. I hope you enjoy. (:

Edit: I've noticed that none of my work shows up in the 'space orcs' tag anymore, so please go and take a look at my blog if you find this interesting. It'd help me out tremendously.

------

Zolt'chk, or Zolt for short, was bored out of his mind. Or at least as bored as an Arachi could be. He'd been left with the more janitorial duties on board the small space station, and it was as far from exciting as it could get. They were a tiny outpost in the middle of nowhere, along one of the longer routes through dark space. They were, essentially, an interstellar gas stop... And it sucked. Nothing interesting ever happened here, and if it did he was bound to miss it while he was forced to vacuum debris from the many hangars, corridors and living areas.

Or, that was what he'd assumed would be the case, anyway. But this day turned out to be quite extraordinarily horrifying. Somewhere around noon absolute hell seemed to break loose, as the alarm suddenly sounded, drowning out almost all other sounds on the station, and then an alert message was broadcasted through the transmission system.

"ATTENTION PLEASE. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. A HOSTILE A-1 CLASS PREDATOR, A HUMAN, HAS ESCAPED CONFINEMENT AND IS LOOSE ON THE STATION. CIVILIANS AND WORK PERSONNEL ARE ADVISED TO STAY WHERE THEY ARE. SECURITY PERSONNEL PLEASE REPORT TO CONTROL. I REPEAT, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY."

His chitinous body suddenly felt incredibly cold and stiff, more so than normal. He'd never seen a human, but he'd heard the stories. They were a fearsome predator species, massive and strong, faster than most other races, and nearly unkillable. A race of monsters. His four spindly legs quivered and he sank down to the floor, his bulbous abdomen pressed against the wall. He felt horribly exposed like this. Anyone who entered the hangar would be able to see him right away, and if the human saw him... He'd undoubtedly become its dinner. He let out a low whine of despair and desperately started too look around for a hiding spot, but he was much too big to fit into the nearest storage crates, and the ships in the hangar were locked down and secured, aside from a maintenence shuttle or two on the far end... He motioned to get back up on his feet to look more closely at those small ships, when he suddenly heard extremely loud noises coming from the other side of the hangar doors, followed by shots that echoed through the air, bouncing off the metal walls to create an unbearably loud and terrifying cacaphony that left his head spinning and aching. He clicked with his mandibles in fear, and felt the panic engulf him. The shots and screams were getting closer, they'd be through the door at any moment...

That's when he spotted the air vent. Its protective grid was slightly ajar after a screw had loosened, and the metal glimmered in the sharp, white light. He was frozen for a fraction of a second, and then something crashed against the closed door with a loud thud. He was up and gone into the vent before the creature came barging through the door, narrowly missing Zolt's escape.

The insectoid didn't have much issue with crawling through the vent, as they were fairly generous in size due to the need for easy access for maintenence. Still, it felt like the walls of the air duct were closing in on him, suffocating him. Yet he crawled further, feverishly trying to escape from the loud noises and deadly bullets. It was so dark in here, his eyes were more or less useless, and the trembling of the many mechanical systems that kept the station in working condition caused a constant low vibration that interfered with his other senses. His world in here was a dark and foggy mess, filled with static. Even so, it was safer than out there, with that thing...

------

He wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep, or if he'd perhaps fainted. The air duct was cool and quiet, the ever present low hum of the station embracing him like a calming blanket. No screams, no shots... Just him, alone in the dark. He dared to let out a relieved chirp, feeling like he could finally relax and make his way back to where he came from. He turned around and started to scuttle his way down the air duct, passing a few cross sections before he took a sharp right and froze in place.

Before him was a creature he'd never seen before with his own six eyes. Illuminated by the light of the room below, filtered through the grid underneath its front appendages he saw two big, bright eyes stare back at him. Its face was pale, its skin splotched with red and orange dots, as if sprinkled with a paintbrush. Messy tufts of red hair fell around the oval face, a small protruding snout in the middle, and below it a surprisingly small mouth, open in shock. He could see its predatory teeth glistening in the light.

They were both stunned silent for one breathless second... and then the human screamed. He had never heard such a sound in his life, and he reeled back in agony as the screech sent violent vibrations throughout his body. He screamed in pain and tried to drag himself away. "P-please don't kill me, please!", he wailed, feeling how his body started to freeze up in panic. He could see the light from the hangar, the grid still gone, but he couldn't move. He couldn't even call for help. All he could do was to whimper helplessly, feeling how his booklungs were slowly cut off from the air as he rested his heavy body against the cool metal of the air duct. He felt like he was about to pass out again, but then he heard it. The unmistakeable sound and vibration of something creeping up behind him, closer and closer... He keened  feebly, his whole body shaking. This was it, this was the end. He was going to die, he...

"Are you okay?"

The voice was thin and shaky, dripping in fear. Still, the tone of concern was undeniable. Zolt didn't answer. His head was still reeling.

"I won't hurt you.", the human insisted, and he felt an unfamiliar warmth on his abdomen. He managed to slowly lift his head, staring back at the creature. She had placed her hand on him, and if he hadn't been terrified he might've found it strangely comforting. He clicked with his mandibles, his legs twitching as he slowly began to regain control of his body. "W-what do you want?", he asked, surprised at the tone of defiance in his voice. The human quickly retracted her hand. She was quiet for a moment, her head dropping slightly. He now noticed that she was shivering. She sniffled.

"I just want to go home. They took me from my family... I don't know where I am... I... I don't know what to do...", her voice trailed off and she made a series of sharp inhalations, followed by a low keening sound in despair.

Zolt'chk was stunned. Was this truly a human? Now when he had started to calm down he felt less and less intimidated by her. In fact, he pitied her. If she were human, she was clearly a weak one, probably feeling helpless on her own. She wasn't necessarily harmless, but...

The human suddenly looked up at him again, her eyes wide and pleading. He'd never seen such an expression before.

"Will you help me? I have to go home... Please... They'll kill me. Th-they want t-to harvest my... They want to...", she put both her hands over her mouth, suffocating a low wail. Zolt wasn't stupid. He knew what she meant. They'd had customers come through here who spoke of or even used human hormones to get the craziest of highs. He'd heard that it had to be... harvested, as it were, from live humans but... He hadn't known it'd kill them. Weren't humans nearly unkillable?

He wasn't entirely sure what possessed him to do so, but no matter how he looked at it, he couldn't let someone kill this poor creature. He thought for a moment, searching his memory for a solution. He then looked back at her and gave a weak affirmative chirp. "I'll help you.", he said, and the surprise in the human's eyes was palpable. He pushed forward, not allowing himself to pause and think, knowing that his resolve would shrivel away. He motioned for her to follow him as they both quietly scooted along the vent until they could peek out into the hangar, which was thankfully empty. After waiting a minute to make sure the coast was clear, they both climbed out and landed with low thuds on the hard floor below.

As they stood there, Zolt was startled to find just how small the human was. He was easily at least three heads taller than her, and when it came to their respective bulk he was surely three times her size. If she curled up a bit she'd probably fit rather snugly in his abdomen. Not that he'd ever eat her. His race wasn't carnivorous, at least not in the same sense as humans. The young woman seemed equally surprised at their compared sizes, but got over it much quicker than her alien accomplice. "Now what?", she asked as she looked around, her face more neutral and curious than before. The big insectoid turned around and swiftly moved accross the hangar, the human following him close behind. He stopped in front of one of the small vessels which were used for outer hull maintenance or short distance transports of small crew teams. It was quite fortunate that he'd thought of them earlier. The massive forcefield that separated the ship bay from the cold space buzzed assuringly. Ships could easily slip in and out of it, but debris would promptly be destroyed upon impact. He put his claws againt the red metal of the vessel. "Take this. It's small, but newly refueled and should be able to--", he said but was abruptly cut off as the entire security force on the station came barging through the door, weapons raised and trained towards them.

Zolt defensively raised his front legs, about to explain the situation, when he saw movement to his side and then felt his neck twist and his exoskeleton strain under an unbearable pressure. He was pushed in front of the human, who had locked him in an iron grip with her elbow, using him as a shield between the soldiers and herself. His hearts staggered in terror. He had completely underestimated her. The girl raised her voice, steely and confident; the quivering vulnerability from before completely erased. "Lower your weapons, or the shrimp dies."

The air was tense with fear and apprehension, and Zolt cursed himself. He'd been so stupid. He should have known not to trust her. The guards slowly lowered their weapons, but only half way, hoping for an opening. He then felt her breath close to his head, and he stiffened. "You have long legs. Open the ship for me, will you?", she said, but it wasn't really a question, but a demand. They stood just next to the airlock of the small ship, and he could easily maneuver the door open despite the position he was in. As soon as it opened, the human pushed them both through and closed it quickly as the shots started to hail towards them. He was pushed down into a corner where he remained, stunned and terrified, as the girl ran up into the cockpit and started the engines with surprising proficiency. The small ship raised off its supports, hovering in the air for a few seconds as the bullets outside klinked feebly against the sturdy hull, and then suddenly...

Blast off. He was pushed back hard against the wall, and the engines screamed like banshees as they shot the little ship violently forward, bursting through the forcefield barrier and into space at breakneck speed. Within a minute they were enough of a distance away from the station and the redhaired human engaged the FTL drive. Never in his life had he ever seen such reckless driving.

The disoriented Arachi sat numb for he didn't know how long, until the human suddenly plopped down in front of him and he flinched violently. "That was quite awesome. You did great." He looked up at her in stunned silence. The girl stood tall over him, her lips parted baring her white teeth. "W-what...?", he whimpered. She gave him a sturdy pat on the arm. "I made it out thanks to you.", she said and crouched down in front of him, once again appearing small. "Sorry for scaring you, but I did what I had to do. I'm free now, I have a ship, and once the worst of the buzz dies down, I'll drop you off at a planet, station or ship of your choosing." He motioned to speak, but was cut off. "Unless it's a police or military ship... Or station, or... Well, yeah. I just don't feel like going back to jail, you know?", she chuckled. He didn't know what to say. She grinned widely at him.

"What's your name, by the way?"

"Uh... Zolt'chk."

"Nice to meet you, Zolt'chk. I'm Devin."

[justjameka]

This post is full of GoT 8x04 spoilers and GIFs!

*I’ve been working on this for two days

Initially, I thought I would write a long, drawn out post about the episode as a whole. There is a lot to discuss and I have lots of feelings about it all. I decided against it because though I am fond of most of the characters on this show, there is one, in particular, that has my heart, and I do believe I will love them for the rest of my life.

Ser Brienne of Tarth. In this potentially long, rambling post, I will discuss what she endured in this episode, and how it relates to things she’s endured in the past and how said things will affect her future. There will be heavy mentions of Ser Jaime Lannister and Braime. (Yes, I ship it, no I don’t hate him).  Any GIFs used in this post are not mine, and neither are the characters because if they were, I would treat them so much better.

This episode for me, a Brienne stan, was both beautiful and heartbreaking. There were so many layers to it. Gwendoline did an immaculate job really taking us on this emotional roller coaster, and making us feel Brienne in a way we haven’t in the past.  I want to talk about my experience watching the episode as a fan, and then my second watch as a writer, and as someone who has studied film and tv collegiately for six years.

Let’s start with the fact that Brienne of Tarth, First of Her Name, Keeper of Oaths, Defeater of The Hound, Protector of the Stark Daughters, Wielder of Oathkeeper, and Knight of the Seven Kingdoms survived the Great War! Not going to lie, I was very concerned for my Amazonian Warrior, but she prevailed.

We have never seen Brienne as carefree and relaxed as we saw her this episode. Her guard was down, she was enjoying herself, drinking and bonding, celebrating life because she faced death and survived. Not only did she live, but her crew survived alongside her. I must say, I enjoy tipsy Brienne. I truly do.

It was beautiful to watch, truly. Her enthusiasm was so open and free.  I was hype AF because: look at Brienne, living her best life just being chill! Ugh! I was teary-eyed. The bonding that occurred was beautiful. Podrick looked amused the entire time. Tyrion watched Jaime stare at Brienne with this knowing look on his face. The entire feast scene was just...*le sigh*

I would be remiss to ignore that it was Ser Jaime, the idiot, who helped pull her out of her shell, and that says a lot. The comfort level here, the heart eyes, the whole thing. He basically tells her it’s all right to just let loose.

Let’s discuss the drinking game, shall we?

Jaime: Um.... You are an only child.

Brienne: *pause with a smirk* I told you I was.

Jaime: You didn’t.

Brienne: I did!

Jaime: I surmised it.

Tyrion: Drink! .....Go again.

Brienne: Why does he get to go again?

Tyrion: Because it’s my game.

Jaime: You have danced with Renly Baratheon

Brienne: *looks at Podrick*

Podrick: *smiles drunkenly*

Tyrion: Drink!

Gah! How dare they flirt so openly, just blatant about it! He said these things confidently. He knew he was right and he was so happy that she was playing along. My poor shipper heart was soaring. Then Tyrion had to go and be...well Tyrion. Stating Brienne was a virgin was a shock to my system. Like...yes asshole we know this but we don’t bring attention to it. She completely closed up and I was like “dammit, Tyrion!” Though I understand that he was trying to push along the inevitable but look here sir, subtly is nice dammit!! Ser Brienne of Tarth was NOT here for this bullshit.

“I have to piss” will forever be what I say from this day forward when I don’t want to answer some shit. The look in her eyes, even though she was uncomfortable, says a lot. So many things and Jaime knew exactly what needed to be done. He’s watched her leave multiple times. She’s left him riding a horse, she’s walked out of his tent, she was in a rowboat, on foot in the snow....  He finally decided he wasn’t going to do it anymore....with a little help from Tyrion. Let’s be honest, Tyrion knew what was going on back in 8x02 when Jaime was staring lovingly at Brienne, and then before the knighting scene when Jaime very nearly jumped from his chair to greet her.  But I digress....

Let me just say this moment had me cackling. Tormund just knew he was going to follow the big woman and they were going to celebrate life together. And here comes Ser Jaime, throwing a golden hand in his plans. Jaime tapping Tormund twice before going off to follow Brienne with his little ‘nice try’ squint. It was so, just, I have no words. We see a little of jealous Jaime here. There has been the back and forth but we all know Tormund doesn’t stand a chance, it’s in this moment when Tormund realizes that he has lost.

Tyrion pouring his wine into Tormund’s horn while holding eye contact the entire time was another nail in the coffin. Poor guy. He just wanted to make giant babies with Brienne. Pod’s drunken smile was just amusing as hell. He was like my parents ‘Ser Jaime and Ser Brienne are finally going to consummate their 5-year relationship’. This entire sequence was absolutely hysterical. Also, the fact that Brienne had no idea of what happens between Tormund and Jaime. When she turns all she sees is Jaime in pursuit and she lengthens her stride because it’s just a bit much for her. I think she knew here, what was bound to happen and I think it scared her a little.

When I saw Oathkeeper I knew it was about to go down. I thought I was prepared but I was not. So let’s hop into this:

Brienne is tending to her fire. No longer is she in leathers. Just her undershirt and pants. Sometimes I forget how gloriously tall she is. There is a knock at the door and though she hesitates for a moment she opens it, without asking who it is. Is that a thing you do in Winterfell? Open your door late at night in your undershirt without inquiring who is on the other side?

Can we talk about Jaime’s exhale? He’s like,” welp we’re here now. I knocked. She answered. No turning back.” It’s all there on his face. How long did it take him to gather up the courage to knock? She’s no longer in her leathers. She had time to remove them. Set them aside and tend to the fire. How long was Jaime giving himself a pep talk? Trying to figure out how he was going to do approach her, approach them and the next step in their very complicated relationship.  

She isn’t surprised to see him. She doesn’t ask why he’s there she just opens the door and holds his eye, waiting. Had she been waiting? She saw him when he was coming after her. She knew he was following her. Could that be why his presence didn’t surprise her? I’m going to say yes.

J: You didn’t drink.

B: *confused* I didn’t drink?

J: In the game.

B: *More confused* I drank.

J: *adamantly* In the game! ....this is Dornish

B:This is not the game. This is only drinking.

J:Suit Yourself.

B: *drinks*

J: You keep it warm enough in here.

B: *shy and a bit reserved* It’s the first thing I learnt when I came to the North. Keep your fire going. Every time you leave the room, put more wood on.

J: *assholely* That’s very diligent. Very responisble.

B: *sick of his shit* Piss off.

J: You know the first thing I learn in the North? I hate the fucking North.

B: *amused* It grows on you.

J: I don’t want things growing on me

I couldn’t find GIFs of this moment, I know they are out there, I was just impatient and didn’t want to scroll through the different tags to find them. So we start this scene with Jaime seeming a little drunk and insistent on Brienne drinking to prove something he already knows and she knows that he already knows. To Brienne’s credit, she deals with his weird approach to the elephant in the room quite well. It’s very honest to who they’ve been since they met each other. The banter is genuine, Jaime being an asshole, Brienne being sick of his shit, it’s perfect.

B: *amused* It grows on you.

J: I don’t want things growing on me

I thought it was very obvious that when Brienne says this, with a little twinkle in her eye and a smirk that she means him. Or maybe I’m overthinking it..... As for Ser Jaime....IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE, SHE’S ALREADY GROWN ON YOU! He’s such an asshole. I swear.

Brienne’s ‘bitch please’ look in the second GIF has me weak. Jaime knew damn well that Brienne did not want Tormund. SN: I don’t dislike Tormund, I think he’s great. Not only is she mildly annoyed that he asked her that, but she also calls him on his shit! That was a pretty ballsy thing for her to do. There was no guarantee that Jaime was going to respond favorably. It could have been a moment of embarrassing rejection, but she did it anyway. She’s experienced men being horrible to her in the past, but she trusts him. She also knew that she was right. It doesn’t matter that she’s inexperienced. And it wasn’t an accusation just a statement of very obvious fact. She doesn’t raise her voice, it’s barely above a whisper. She almost loses her nerve at the end. Although she trusts him, there is some trepidation there. He’s known to insult her, though they’ve become less acidic as time has gone on.

Jaime agreeing with her is interesting because he almost seems surprised by his jealousy. As if he honestly didn’t know it was there, but he sees no point in denying it once it’s out in the open. He almost makes light of it.  He’s cared for her for years. He armed her. Armoured her. Saved her. (multiple times). He loves her, and maybe at that moment, it hits him that he can’t hide it or run from it.  

It’s bloody hot in here.

Jaime is by far the worst flirt in Westeros. ‘It’s bloody hot in here.” Really? It’s almost like things were getting too real. He had to lighten the mood and make it, easy, simple. Brienne’s confusion as he fiddles with the knot on his shirt is so precious and endearing. You can see the wheels in her head just turning. She’s running through scenarios, she’s planning, she’s trying to decide where this will go. What should happen when she makes the decision, she takes a page out of Jaime’s book. It’s not tender or sweet, but it’s very them. It’s reminiscent of her stabbing his ham so that he could cut it back in season 3. This moment is very powerful. It’s the first step towards her deciding this is what she wants, though she’s very matter-of-fact about it. Jaime’s intentions were relatively clear upon his arrival, but this is the beginning of Brienne deciding that she wants to do this. That she wants to give herself to this man.

Can we just take a damn minute and admire this tenderness!! This is in direct contrast with her shoving his hand away. She’s very stoic, almost business-like as she goes about untying his shirt, but when Jaime reaches for the knot on her shirt, real smooth Jaime, everything stops. It’s sweet the way she holds his fingers as they stare into each other’s eyes. As she makes the final discussion.

I’m so in love with the fact that they are topless before anything happens. And kudos to Jaime for keeping his eyes on Brienne’s face for the most part. Unlike the bath scene in season 3. SN: WHERE IS BRIENNE’S SCAR?!?!?!? 

Jaime ‘I’m a Dork’ Lannister, you’ve never been with anyone that isn’t Cersi before. What are you talking about?!?! I can’t lie, I thought it was cute. Fuck it, I thought it was adorable. And Brienne’s honesty here was so refreshing. I really appreciated the honesty from both of them in that moment. There are nerves swarming all around them, but they trust each other. It’s a big deal that they are doing this for both of them. Jaime has never experienced a non-toxic sexual experience. All of the times we see twincest, it’s aggressive and awkward, it’s fast and hard. There are no gentle caresses or loving looks and it’s usually forced consent.

For Brienne, she has never allowed herself to be in any scenario remotely close to that moment. This is a woman who slept in armour to protect herself. This is a woman who was ridiculed by multiple men, who was constantly called ugly, who was deemed undesirable. She was pretty much stripped of her femininity, and she fell hard into her role as a fighter, a warrior. But then Jaime came along. And he is handsome and highborn, and he loves her. He wants her.

I think this was the perfect first kiss for Ser Brienne and Ser Jaime. Please @ me! It’s honest. It’s awkward. It’s sweet. His eyes are open initially, he wants to see her. HE HAS TO GO UP ON HIS TIPPY TOES TO KISS HER! It’s so fucking cute. She’s supposed to be overexcited. This has never happened to her before, and she doesn’t know what she’s doing, but she wants it. And she came to terms with that fact. It’s perfect for them as a pairing. They’re like teenagers, fumbling around trying to figure what feels good. It’s sweet and innocent and wonderful. 

I love Jaime’s hand on her neck then her hair. It’s simple but it’s grounding them in the moment. There is a push and pull happening that mirrors their relationship. Jaime initiates the kiss and it takes Brienne by surprise. She stumbles a little but she’s not one to be outdone so she pushes back. And it’s not perfect but it’s honest and pure. Dammit I love them. 

I love the quiet moment of Jaime watching Brienne sleep. He looks pensive. His mind is working overtime. This is a big deal to him. This honorable woman gifted him with her womanhood. She trusted him. HIM. Of all people. He who is far from perfect. Brienne is too pure for this world, but she loves him and wants him. He can’t believe it.

I don’t have a ton to say about this, but Sansa knows, and I think that’s interesting. I want to know how much time has passed. How long has it been since OathSex? Brienne is so bashful and it’s so fucking cute. It’s ok Brienne, there’s nothing wrong with what you did!

Tyrion is such a dirty old man. I love how the relationship between Tyrion and Jaime has grown. They love each other so much, and it’s so obvious. It made me so happy to see their bond survive Tyrion killing their father. I love Tyrion for not bring up Cersei when he finds out. He does what is expected, he cracks a joke. It’s very telling that Jaime did not want to discuss Brienne with his brother. Yes, he loves Tyrion but Brienne is off limits.

So, going into the final three Braime scenes, I’m going to switch gears and really delve into what is happening without fangirling. 

Jaime finding out that Cersei ambushed Daenarys burst the bubble he’d been in with Brienne. It started with Bronn showing up with a crossbow, telling the Lannister brothers that Cersi wants them dead. He knew that Cersei was displeased with him leaving but I think he was genuinely surprised that she sent someone to kill him. That weighs heavy on him because if there is a price on his head, then that puts Brienne in danger. And he would never be able to forgive himself if something happened to her because of him. When he learns about the ambush, I truly believe that is when the decision was made.

He doesn’t want to leave. He’s hoping that she doesn’t wake up, and I’m of the belief that they made love before that night. He doesn’t want to have to say goodbye to her. It’s selfish and infuriating, but he doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to say goodbye, and that becomes blatantly obvious when Brienne comes outside.

He doesn’t look at her. Not because he doesn’t love her. Not because he doesn’t respect her. Because he can’t. He can’t look at her. Looking at her means looking at the woman he loves and seeing what his departure is doing to her.

B: They’re going to destroy that city. You know they will.

J: Have you ever run away from a fight. 

I think it’s worth it to mention that he doesn’t mention Cersei. He asks “have you ever run away from a fight?” It’s easy for this to get lost in this horrendously heartbreaking moment, but it starts with him acknowledging that there is a fight that he needs to be a part of. He’s also showing how highly he thinks of her. She doesn’t run away from fights. He feels like a coward, hiding out in King’s Landing. But deeper than that, he feels compelled by honor.

There is so much happening in this moment. Jaime was not prepared for the intimacy of it. Brienne grabs his face, and makes him look at her, and he is putty for a moment. There are so many emotions on his face as she tells him that he’s not like his sister, and that he’s a good man, and that he should stay with her. He aspires to be as honorable as she is. She has validated him on multiple occasions, and every time he is in awe and this moment is no different. His eyes shine with tears, he does not want to do it. It pains him to hear her like this. He’s never had to hurt her and you can see that her outpour of emotions really affect him.  Her insecurities surface and she believes he’s leaving her to go back to Cersei. He uses it.

This is not a man that wants to leave a woman. His subtle nod as she tells him he’s a good man and asks him to stay. Jaime has always been nonverbally expressive. He strokes her hand gentle, savoring the feel of her before he has to break her heart. 

You think I’m a good man? I pushed a boy out a tower window, crippled him for life for Cersei. I strangled my cousin with my own hands, just to get back to Cersei. I would have murdered every man, woman and child in Riverrun for Cersei. 

*painful eye contact*

She’s hateful and so am I

It’s so telling that he mentions Riverrun.  He says he would have killed every man, woman and child for Cersei, but he leaves out when he didn’t. He neglects to mention that Brienne showing up in the middle of his camp during a siege changed everything. He was surprised to see her, but he is also pleased to see her. If we’re being honest he’s always pleased to see her. But her arrival really made him change his intentions.

Riverrun was the first time that he went against Cersei for Brienne. It’s when he, in his own way, tells her he loves her.

 It’s where he lets her go when he had every right to apprehend her. It’s where he puts Brienne above politics.  It’s where Cersei starts to lose him.  It’s subtle, but in letting Brienne attempt to gain forces/troops for Sansa, who would in turn attempt to take Winterfell back from the Boltons, which was given to them by Walder Frey who was a bannerman for the Lannisters. It’s when he, unbeknownst to himself maybe, chooses Brienne over his family. It’s there that it’s clear what he feels for her and what she feels for him.

It’s because of all of this, that Brienne’s emotions erupt at the mention of Riverrun. She knows what happened there and what could’ve happened there. She knows she stopped hundreds of men from being slaughtered needlessly. She knows.

There is so much self-loathing rolling off of Jaime in waves. He’s struggling with feeling like he’s not enough. He doesn’t think he deserves her, but he wants her. But he has to finish it. It must be him. 

She can’t stop him. He’s going to King’s Landing and he’s going to try and stop Cersei. He’s going to do it because he didn’t do it years ago. He’s going because he did push a boy from a tower window. Because he did strangle his own cousin. He’s going because the one time he stood up to her was because of the woman standing in front of him. And he knows Ser Brienne of Tarth will not be safe as long as Cersei has power. He can’t stay. He can’t stay because the moments of happiness that they have are fleeting. Daeny has lost half her army and another dragon. The scales are not balanced and he can’t sit back and wait.

Have you ever run from a fight?

He’s going to fight for what important to him now and he doesn’t know if he’ll be successful but he knows he has to try. 

Brienne showed such strength. She has allowed herself to be open and vulnerable. She’s allowed Jaime into her life, she gave herself to him, she loves him and he’s going off on a suicide mission. She doesn’t want him to leave. She’s scared for him. If Cersei’s army can kill a dragon what will happen to Jaime? It was so incredibly brave for her to even go and pursue him. She’s fought a bear, she fought the Hound, she fought the army of the undead, but this is a fight she isn’t equipped to fight. She’s watched one man that she loves die and it nearly broke her. She would never forgive herself if something happens to Jaime.

This scene was comprised of two people who love each other showing each other how deep that love runs. Sacrificing theif life (Jaime) and Pride (Brienne) in order to protect the other.  I honestly think the message was received on both ends.

This is a man that loves a woman and he’s going to fight for that love and for that woman. 

I have no insight into what D&D are doing but I can only hope that they didn’t take Jaime on such a beautiful character arc to throw it away. I hope that they will not perpetuate the “hot guys sleeps with not hot girl” trope. I hope that we as viewers aren’t going to fall victim to character assassination and lazy writing. More than anything, I hope Brienne and Jaime meet again so she can punch him in the face and then help off the ground once he falls. (much like Yara did Theon)

[littleaquaa]

IMPORTANT

I never expect a callout post about me to be posted on Tumblr in my 5ish years of roleplaying.  While I will confess, that some things in said post are accurate, there are a few things that are simply false, or misworded to make things sound worse.  (There are some triggering things: mentions of pedohpila, suicidal thoughts, and lesbophilia.)

*Yes, I used to draw that kind of nsfw of other peoples’ furry ocs.  During this time I was also involved with a group of people that fed me the “fiction doesn’t affect reality, they’re lines on paper!!!111!” spheal and I believed it back then (not now), so I saw nothing wrong with it since I’m a very impressionable person (as are many people with my disabilities, not excusing just explanation).  I realized later after a reality check that drawing said content, was a mistake and is not okay.  So I had deleted everything to try and move on from a 4+ year old mistake I’ve since changed and moved on from.  I have not participated in those activities since then (again 4 years ago!) and do not condone those actions.  I AM SORRY.

*I did realize some time ago that treblogging trauma-related posts and tagging them as Musings was not okay.  I had nobody to teach me these ‘hidden’ rules of RPC etiquette and was on my own.  In addition, I had seen several of my mutuals reblog said posts themselves (thus how I found them) and assumed it was okay to reblog them.  I should not have assumed reblogging said posts was okay.  It was my mistake.  And for the individual whose ask reply concerning it I posted publicly instead of continuing the conversation privately, I am sorry.

*Yes, I was upset when people I had considered friends, some for a year or long were unfollowing and/or unfriending me because I posted that I liked the Hazbin Hotel pilot.  I did vent about it publicly instead of keeping those feelings to myself.  Over the course of a few days I had lost at least 4 people I had considered friends, so I was very upset by this.  And yes, because of this happening so quickly, I did in fact feel suicidal and want to take my life over it.  It may sound ridiculous to many of you reading, but this did drive me to a dark place mentally.  It was never my intention to come off as guilt-tripping in this vent post. *I have had suicidal thoughts since I was in middle school due to a very traumatic life event that happened to me during that time.  I have 0 reason to lie about my mental health on the internet.  Since I posted said vent post because I needed to get my feelings out instead of penting them up inside.  

*As for guilt tripping claims.  I do not pick up on social cues very well, if at all.  This is made a thousand times worse since online I cannot see your facial expression, nor hear the ‘tone’ used when one is typing their words.  I genuinely had no idea that that was how I was coming off to some individuals.  So to those people, I am very sorry.

*The ‘ic vagueblogging’ claim is false.  That is a roleplay taking place between myself and my good friend, and we were plotting that Black Star would corrupt herself and it would delve into more angst, since Cat and I both enjoy angst with our ship.  Black Star is an S//U oc, and it was revealed by S//U’s creator herself that gems can corrupt themselves if they’ve been through enough trauma.  So I got the idea from that alone to try it with my muse, nothing else transpired me to want to rp that thread.

*I have never once stated anywhere that I ship Aquamarine with male characters.  So the lesbophilia claim is also false.  I only posted in my rules that I would be open to her interacting (as in, having normal rp threads) with male gem muses since some people are not fans of male gem ocs.  So I think this might be where OP of my callout post is mistaken.  I have only ever had her headcanon’d as homoromantic/lesbian and asexual.

*As for not responding to you, (callout post maker).  I had no idea how to respond to your words since I was shocked by what you were saying, nothing more.

For months I have been trying to move on from when another tumblr user put me in their Blocklist.  And I had mostly gotten better.  But seeing your post today (3/27/20) made in a public tumblr post, is extremely hurtful.  I just want to move past this blocklist/callout drama and write with my friends again before all this stuff started.. when.. 3ish months ago?

I just want to be left alone and for the pretty obvious stalking to stop (I mean really, going 4+ years into my internet happenings when I was a younger adult?!)  It’s not only causing me physical pain, but mental and emotional pain as well.  I am a complete wreck, trying to fight off anxiety as I type all of this.  I am not saying this for any kind of sympathy or to change minds, I just want to be honest with everyone with the effects these posts have done.

------

Now this, I just want to say to everyone I have hurt in the past.  I don’t want to name names or tag you guys out of respect (and I don’t know if you’d all even be okay with it or not).  But if you are reading this then yes, I am addressing you with this apology (even if you might not be on tumblr anymore).  The posting publicly instead of answering privately, the guilt tripping (that I highly stress I did not realize I was doing this), and the vagueblogging.. I am sorry.  You do not have to acknowledge or even accept this apology, but it is what you guys deserve and I want to make it right.

To close, if anyone, friend, acquaintance, or person I never got to interact with but follow(ed) no longer feels comfortable interacting with me based on this knowledge of me and my past that is okay and I ask you put yourself first.  Unfollow, soft block, hard block, please do whatever you need to do.  Your comfort matters.

[starfaring-princelotor]

First Sight

Summary: It has been a year since Emperor Lotor’s disappearance. The Medic has been trying to survive.

★ Disclaimer: I do not ship Lotura and I respectfully ask that this story to not be tagged as Lotura. This is a Lotor x Reader/Self-Insert OC story which is in no way related to Allura at all. Please be respectful of my chosen pairing. ★

Warnings: Blood, light gore, mentions of death.

A/N: Wow, in this blessed year of 2019, I still hate S8 with a burning passion.

Also, a special thank you to @legendofcarl and @fairy-cat-mother for beta reading this long chapter!

Touch Series: Part One___Part Two___Part Three___Part Four___Part Five

Taste Series: Part One___Part Two___Part Three___Part Four___Part Five

Sight Series: Part One ___Part Two___Part Three___Part Four

“Captain Shirogane. Whittaker didn’t make it.”

Another soul lost, another day of war continued. The captain’s back was towards you, but his face was watching the sun rise over the silent, desolate hills. He has been standing guard for most of the night and you took note of this one important detail. Even a captain needed rest, even a doctor needed to put the scalpel down once in a while. Shiro sighed heavily then turned towards you, his expression stoic like a hardened soldier but eyes...his eyes told you everything.

“You stayed with him?” he asked, avoiding the red dotting your coat.

“Until his last breath.”

“They don’t teach you about that in training.”

“No, sir. No, they...they do not,” you crossed your arms, “I don’t think that it is possible to teach something like this, Captain.”

A pregnant pause, a few seconds of Shiro’s gaze studying the restless sunken sockets on your face.

“Takashi. I told you to call me Takashi. We’re well acquainted enough by now. It’s been what? A year since I pulled you out of that ditch?”

“A year and 3 days, exactly,” you cautioned a step closer, heart hurting and hands dirtied with blood, “We make it out of here alive and I’ll start listening to you, friend.”

As a friend. As a comrade. As a pair of fractured misfits trying to cozy up in society again like the war overseas didn’t already kill their souls. We can’t leave this behind us, no matter how many bullets we take. We can’t die, but we can’t live like nothing happened. We can’t be doctor and captain, yet we can’t remember who we really were before all of this. The idea that we made it would be enough for us. It would be enough.

There was a red dot between his brows.

BANG!

BANG!

Jolting from your sleep never felt so real before. You swore, you were back in the barracks with your nerves and hackles raised in defense at...nothing. It was just a dream. A memory, a time that you would have preferred rather than now. Another loud bang made you clutch the scratchy blanket tighter to your chest, moth eaten and too thin to really keep you warm in the cold cell.

The lights flicked on, revealing you and the rest of the prisoners huddled together. Mere foot soldiers to flight fighters to ion cannon engineers from Lotor’s ship. Hostages to Haggar’s will and interrogation. Zarkon’s witch. No, you recall that those who were summoned never once returned. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened to them.

“You.” Sendak’s voice alone had you cringing from the sheer resolution behind it, “Your trial has come.”

You narrowed your eyes at him like a mouse trapped in a corner with other scared, meek beings. And they were right to be afraid. By all technicality, you and the Galra under his ward were the last to see Emperor Lotor alive. You specifically saw him leave and you knew this very fact would be held against your case.

When you made no movement, only to delay the inevitable, he approached you with a condescending look, “Come of your own free will or High Priestess Haggar will come here instead.”

He really didn’t like humans. Small, frail, weak. Emotional. And that bite mark on your neck signifying more than you were aware of? Sendak almost sneered at you. Almost.

You stood up and allowed yourself to be cuffed without a fuss. No word, no flinch, not even bothering to meet his challenging gaze. Your eyes were on the ground, trying to calculate how you could use your words and turn the evidence to be on your side. The side that won’t end up with your corpse launched into the vacuum of deep space. Each step down the hall felt as if you were walking to your own death.

The door opened, but this was no court. That was a medical table, those were physical restraints hanging down from the ceiling, and there, standing under the halo of light, was Haggar. This was the first time you saw her.

“State your name.”

You gave it with a bitter taste on your tongue.

“You are hereby being charged with the complicit assassination of the Emperor of the Galra Empire - Emperor Lotor,” she announced, voice throaty yet evident of her power, “We have recorded evidence that you willingly allowed Emperor Lotor to return to the hands of Voltron alongside with his generals. How do you plead?”

How do you plead? What a loaded question. They already had solid evidence against you. Now they just wanted to hear you say it. Hear you say you were guilty. You let him go. In doing so, you unwittingly forfeited your own safety to the fates of Galra Court. Or rather, whoever was next in charge. Whoever was left after the Empire became fractured in civil war.

You trusted Lotor to return. It has been nearly a year. The odds were stacked against him, against you, that either would be staying alive for long.

“Guilty. I plead guilty.”

Honerva narrowed her eyes into thin slits, critically studying your surrendering form. You gave in without her taking what she needed from your mind. You were compliant, too compliant, and yet this fact alone showed her one thing: you were smart. You knew how their system worked and you knew what unfortunate side you were on. Now, only one thing remained.

The crime must fit the punishment. Victory or death, right?

“You are hereby sentenced to a lifetime in prison without parole.” Haggar glanced at Sendak, “Take the inmate away.”

“I know where Lotor is.”

Lie. She knew it was a lie, indicative by the way the corner of her lips dipped lower in a barely contained snarl. Prisoners would say anything to change the outcome of their fate, and Honerva was not one for mercy - not where her rightful son was concerned And yet, those five little words were the perfect ones to make her raise a hand, halting Commander Sendak.

“I know where the Emperor is.”

The thin paper in your hand felt heavier than anything you’ve ever carried before in your life. Your eyes skimmed over familiar writing - your father's words etched out in dark ink, but not nearly as dark as the shadows growing in the corner of your mind.  Prisoners were becoming soldiers. Ultimatums were set and no matter how much you begged your father to change his mind, begged for him to understand that he was being used, he still made the worst possible choice.

It’s funny, now that you think about it. He once told you that he wanted to be a soldier when he was younger. To make sure there was a future for children, for you. Now, he got his wish. But it shouldn’t be like this, never like this.

The tears blurred your sight before you were able to take a hold of yourself. And how could you? Your father, the only family who saw you as a person instead of a physical investment for others, was walking onto the battlefield as live bait. Helpless couldn’t even begin to describe the fateful situation thrust upon your shoulders and a fleeting thought that karma was out to get you passed through your mind. This was wrong. This was wrong and everyone knew it.

Your grip on the paper crinkled it, nearly tearing it where your fingers dug in. Sobbing, you were sobbing so much, chest constricting as the thoughts of being powerless attacked your mind. It’s a system. There’s a system, maybe you could talk to someone, talk to the higher ups about switching camps? Just don’t panic. Your father will be fine, you can save him still. Maybe there was still time to -

“Doc?”

It was Shiro.

“Doc!”

The sight of you crying, choking on your own tears and leaning on the the wall for support, instantly alerted your captain. He has seen you post breakdown, eyes red-rimmed and composure regained like nothing had happened. But this? This was worse. It was worse seeing you crumble to the ground with teeth gritting, lip quivering, and streaks of painful tears dripping down your face. The stuttering breaths, the whimpering, the breaking. It. Was. Much. Worse.

Shiro rushed to you, arms pulling you in to his chest, “Talk to me.”

You couldn’t.

“Please, say something.”

You didn’t.

“We can get through this.”

You can’t.

All you could do was weep for what was to come.

“I worked alongside Emperor Lotor as his private medical officer for the last four years. From his time as a prisoner in Voltron’s hold up until his disappearance, every injury and sickness I assessed are logged in the medical database at the Galra Headquarters.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“I know where he was going.”

Honerva was never one to be impatient. She was calculating, much more than Zarkon ever was. It was how she survived this long, through being poisoned by quintessence, mourning her husband’s death, and withstanding the Empire’s eternal disgust with her. But she also knew when the floor was shrinking around her and soon, her conniving ways would end up with her dead.

She needed allies to find her son and right now? You were as good as any. The witch can torture the information out of you to get what she needed, but logically that wasn’t the most efficient choice. Space was huge, there was a gamble that the your words would lead to a firm dead end, but Honerva was on borrowed time to search for her only child. Limited on necessary resources. Those under her command were spread thin.

“Emperor Lotor managed to pierce the Rift. He succeeded in starting to supply the Empire and the rest of the universe with unlimited quintessence, but there were...complications.” You took a deep breath, “I am already sentenced to a lifetime in prison, but I guarantee you, I’m more useful alive than dying in a cell wall.”

Yes, this seemed almost too perfect to Honerva, but the more the doctor spoke, the more this plan made sense. If - when they find her son, he would no doubt be in critical condition after all this time. Even if he wasn’t, having a medical team attend to him immediately would ensure his survival. Time was wasting, she couldn't assign another druid to read the entirety of Lotor’s medical history when there was someone who already knew it standing right in front of her.

“You will be under Commander Mar’s ward and accompany him on his search for Emperor Lotor,” she approached you then, closer for intimidation, “You are to report any and all information you gain during your mission directly to me. Emperor Lotor must be found.”

Yes, his Empire needed him. The universe needed him to continue working for an era of peace and prosperity. Right now, with the warlords loose and slavery still persisting, you knew all of this would eventually end up in total and complete destruction. You were not excluded from such a fate. Even though you had options, you could run, you could hide, you could corner yourself, but how long until you perish by conflict or by choice?

That is how you found yourself here, standing on the bridge besides Commander Mar. He accepted his mission with honor, accepted your partnership, however temporary it may be. The Commander was no fool, none of the higher-ups were. While some sought power for themselves, the Galra understood power was not only for security, but for survival as well.

He turned to face you, that sullen, empty look reminding him of a tired soldier who fought too long, “Doctor, do we have a heading?”

You stayed silent for a moment before raising your sunken eyes to focus on his scarred expression,   “To the remnants of Daibazaal, Commander Mar. The trans-reality gate is there and that is the last place Voltron was located. That is where Emperor Lotor traveled to.”

He nodded to his subordinate who punched in the coordinates. A few jumps through hyperspace and they would arrive in less than two weeks. Two weeks for you to prepare either the worst or the best outcome. Two weeks for you to plan an escape and flee for your own good. Two weeks…

Before he turned to leave, you asked, “Commander Mar, can I speak to you in private?”

The taller Galra grunted, granting your wish, then led you into the hallway just outside the command center, “What is it, Doctor? You have time to gather supplies we have on the ship, if needed.”

“I appreciate the generosity, Commander. But…” you crossed your arms, “If I may ask, why did you accept this mission?”

“You question my loyalty to the Empire?”

“No, no, not at all. I...apologize for my disrespect.” You glanced to the floor, debating in that mind of yours, “I am not blind. I’m aware of the fractured state the Empire has been in since Lotor’s crowning at the Kral Zera.”

“A human knows of the Kral Zera?”

“While he was working alongside Voltron, yes, Lotor informed me of the Kral Zera.”

His eyes narrowed to slits, “And your team was the one who killed Emperor Zarkon.”

“Yes. Yes, we did. My captain and I gave Lotor the tools needed to take down Zarkon.”

You expected disgust, even fury or an attack, yet all you received was a calculating look from Commander Mar. He had his own thoughts about Voltron working with the Empire and how it was run. At the same time, he had his own grievances when it came to working under Zarkon, as well.

“Voltron has been a smear on the Empire. Now that they have killed not one, but two Emperors, I swear to never align with them again,” there was a certain conviction in his voice, one that held truth with hidden malice, “I am loyal to the Empire and the Empire alone. That is why I took this mission because Lotor is the Emperor. Retrieving his body will bring closure to those in charge and we may finally proceed with another Kral Zera ceremony.”

“And if there is no body? How long will the Empire stand on it’s own two feet? How long until he is officially announced deceased?”

“Five years.”

The Empire did not have five years to last. No leader, no one taking charge until either five years pass or a dead body arrives. The system can only hold as long as the council would allow it, but even that was in shambles. Options were becoming more and more limited. Even after five years, if Lotor comes back, there won't be an Empire for him to run.

“Why did the witch let you live?”

No more. No more standing aside. Lotor made you choose.

“Because I am loyal to the Emperor. And right now, his return means more than just ensuring the future of the Galra Empire. His return ensures the end of war.”

You were tired. Exhausted, like the life was drained out of every pore of your body. You didn’t want to do this anymore. Now, you wonder what drove you to do it in the first place. Be a medic for war. Be a healer. Battle death on a daily basis. Was it for money? For financial security? Or just to prove you were good? Save those who couldn't save themselves? Either way, you couldn’t handle it anymore. Not now. Not for a while or never, if you decide to put the white coat back on again.

“Where will you go?”

Zipping your backpack shut, you placed both hands flat on top of the table. It was the only support you had from collapsing into another painful cry, mourning for the death of your father. No headstone. No body. Hard to find a body when a bomb is dropped. Your eyes drifted up to see Shiro, your captain, your friend, the one who held you so the dark promise of grief didn't get a chance to consume you whole.

“I don’t know.”

“Will you be back?”

“I was discharged. I'm not coming back,” you spoke, emphasizing your dismissal.

“The war is over. Treaties were signed, now we’re just working on bringing soldiers back to their home. Are you sure - “

“Find another medic.”

He paused.

“Find another medic. I’m not doing this - ” your weary voice, once strong and dignified, now whispered, “I can’t do this.

Shiro’s silence spoke volumes, but nothing meant more to you than when he approached you with a soft, understanding gaze. He picked up your bag, the weight more unbearable than he could imagine, before gently handing it to you. And you took it. You took this burden, but he never wanted you to feel like you had to deal with it alone.

“I understand,” he pulled you in for a hug, “Take care of yourself out there. And if you need anything…”

You returned the hug, needing this more than you realized, “I’m sorry, Takashi.”

“Don’t apologize. Never apologize for anything, least of all this. Take your time. You deserve that much.”

You needed time to heal. And before you left through the tent, you turned to look back at  your dearest friend once more.

“Come find me after you’re back.”

“Cease fire! Cease fire! I surrender!”

You huddled behind your shield, barely large enough to defend yourself. Commander Mar was dead, as was most of his crew, and standing across from the battlefield were three people you didn't expect to see again. Three people who left with the Emperor on that fateful day months ago. All of them were equally wounded, exhausted, and still raging with the fiery spirit of battle.

“Zethrid!” Ezor’s pained scream echoed the hangar, gaining her ally’s full attention.

Immediately, the behemoth Galra rushed to her aid, hands out and unsure exactly how to help her friend. There was blood profusely gushing from Ezor’s thigh, entire leg now missing due to the recent battle. Axes were weapons not to be underestimated, a lesson she will ingrain in her mind well if she survived after this. Zethrid snarled as her thoughts became conflicted with worry, with hatred, with the burning will to seek revenge.

“Kill them! Kill them all!” she ordered Acxa, “Do it, now!”

Acxa’s options were limited, too. They always were in the heat of battle. Yes, the three of them managed to take down Commander Mar and his warriors, sans you. She was smart. She knew to leave the medic the last one standing because medics had moral obligations to their crew. You were no Galra doctor, you were human. Humans were susceptible to being compassionate.

“What are you waiting for? We have to get Ezor out of here!”

Take the fleet, hide in the deepest part of the galaxy, find someone who could aid Ezor, but...but she may not have the time. She may not survive. In her critical condition, none of them knew how to properly handle decapitated limbs, and the chances of living after such a fatal blow was already haunting the general. Acxa saw your gaze flicker to their wounded companion then back to her own steely glare.

“I can help her.”

Acxa gripped her gun tighter, barrel pointing directly at you as she pressed the lightest of pressure on the trigger.

“I can save her. You kill me now, she dies. It takes nearly three days to find the nearest planet. She doesn’t even have 30 minutes to live.”

Desperation. Acxa hated feeling desperate. All of them did. Hated leaving the fate of others in the hands of unknown, hated feeling powerless in the face of danger when their friends were concerned. Hated trusting Lotor to protect them and guide them like a good leader. You were on Lotor’s side, but he wasn’t here.

Acxa lowered her gun, signalling her consent for your aid, then you rushed to Ezor’s side while pulling out a syringe. It had an ominous, black liquid in it. You would never consider using this on her, but she was going to die, and the Witigue drug has been proven to bring back those on the brink of death.

You tugged the rope to pull your dingy into port. The wooden pier was nearly desolate of life except the spare few locals. All who initially hesitated at the mere sight of you, but took you in regardless, granting you a place to live among their home. Clear blue waters with equally clear blue skies. It was paradise, the place your father was born, far away from the city life and all it’s deadly toxicity.

No, not really toxic. Just the politics. Just the corruption.

“A fisherman, huh? Never took you for a fishing type.”

At that voice, that one voice you knew so well, your head shot up to see those familiar mirthful grey eyes staring straight at you. And that smirk, that smile that told you everything will be okay, everything is okay. It was infectious, incredibly infectious. You felt your lips and your heart smile at the mere sight of Shiro. He was here, your friend, he was really here.

“Captain - “ “Takashi. Don’t think I forgot that promise.”

You jumped off your boat and stumbled in front of him. His eyes took in all of you, from your humidified hair to your toes fitted in flip-flops. You looked healthy enough if that small laugh after his comment was anything to go by. Not even a second passed before he embraced you in his comforting arms, your own winding around his midsection in a tight hold.

“Takashi! What in blue blazes are you doing here? How did you even - “ you shook your head then took a step back, grinning at him with honest joy splashed over your face, “It’s good to see you, my friend.”

“Thought I’d travel a bit, check in on you. I have to say, you picked a nice place to hide.”

You scoffed at the situational convenience of it all, knowing damn well he used some resource to seek you out. But he wasn’t wrong. This was a nice place to recover and, although you will never fully heal from the scars that the war left behind, you could say your body felt...better. Your mind, however, was a different thing altogether.

“It's a humble life, y’know. Fishing, selling, adapting to a new place. How about you? Where have you been living at now?”

“The Galaxy Garrison called me a year ago and I’ve been working on becoming a space explorer,” he saw the way your eyes lit up at that, “And sometimes I go to local schools to inspire young minds.”

“A space explorer, hm? What do you think you’ll find out there?”

“Honestly? I don't know. Guess I’ll find it when I go up there.”

You two chuckled at that, the familiar conversation refreshing you like time itself hadn’t even passed since the war. He was still Shiro, and you were still...you were still you. He had a good thing going for him and hearing the excitement in his voice when he spoke about it, well, it left you feeling elated for your friend.

“It really is good to see you again, Takashi. How long are you in town? No friend of mine is going to stay in a hotel when he can stay with me in my straw hut.”

Shiro would love nothing more than to stay and catch up on the recovering years. Share thoughts, share pains, share funny stories that happened while both of you were away from each other. But the twinge in his right hand, the tingling feeling in his fingertips, reminded him of the real reason why he was here.

“I’ll take you up on that hut for a few days. I’ve got to head back by the end of the week,” he explained before his expression slowly became solemn, “There’s...there’s something else, too.”

“Something else?” you asked, now your brows were knit in confusion, in wariness, “Something...good, I hope?”

Shiro sighed before pulling his right hand out of his pocket. At first, you saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then, a twitch, followed shortly by a few uneven shakes, like he was shivering. That was all you needed to see before your wide eyes shot up to stare at him dead in the face. He couldn't possibly -

“I knew you’d hate me if I never told you - ” Shiro took a deep breath, steeling his nerves, “ - I’m sick. It’s...incurable.”

You dabbed a cloth over Zethrid’s eye to stop the bleeding and, to your surprise, she didn't even flinch. Her gaze was stuck on Ezor, her stump bandaged and her breathing stable, but she couldn’t bring herself to find a smidgen of relief. Even with you tending to her wounds, there were internal pains that you could not heal. That was out of your skill range. To comfort a victim of survivor’s guilt.

You grabbed a different cloth and soaked it in a blue liquid, squeezing out the excess medicine, “Keep this over your eye. I can’t save your sight, but this will soothe it and prevent infection until you are fully healed.”

Zethrid obeyed. Still numb, still in shock that you had actually managed to save Ezor. Deciding to leave the room so they could have a moment of silence, you saw Acxa follow you into the hallway. The crew that were still alive were tossed into holding cells and the only people controlling the ship were the three women before you. Acxa watched the way you dried your hands on a towel before you stuffed it back into your pocket.

“Who sent you?” she asked, straightforward and still hesitant on why you were helping them.

You don’t blame her. You would be just as suspicious.

“Haggar. She has sent fleets out in search of Emperor Lotor. I can only assume she wants him back so she can have another puppet to control on the throne.”

And you were not going to let that happen, but there was a sign of confusion flickering behind Acxa’s eyes at your statement. A bit of disbelief, as well. Though, she understands that if she and her generals returned to Haggar, things will not end up well for them. They would be tortured for days on end, or worse, killed. Not a fate she would allow to fall on Ezor and Zethrid.

“Lotor is dead and so is Voltron. Both of them disappeared into the Rift and have not returned after all this time. There is no Emperor anymore.”

“That’s...impossible. Both of them?” you repeated just to make sure the reality of the situation wasn't a lie, “Are you sure? How could you be sure?”

Both of the universe’s defenders were gone? No...no, no, this was worse. This was going to end terribly, not just for you, but for everyone. A thousand scenarios flashed through your head, already thinking about what will happen now. Not just after five years, but the entire future that would be left in ruins.

“We were stranded for a year with no sight of them. They aren’t coming back,” her eyes focused intensely on you, “And I’m not risking our lives by returning to Haggar.”

Ah. The thinly veiled threat.

“We have to find both of them. If not them, then Lotor. Only he could restore the Empire - “

“It is over. Lotor swore to wipe out the entire Galra Empire. All three of us heard it with our own ears,” her expression hardened in betrayal, “Even if he did return by some small miracle, I would not ally with him again. You’re on the wrong side here.”

You ran a hand through your hair, “And what side are you on?”

“Whatever side protects my crew.”

And now, what side were you on?

Part of you argued that there was no happy ending if you returned to Haggar empty handed. Part of you argued that your continued search would be fruitless now that Acxa explained both Lotor and Voltron were finished. And another part...another part of you argued to find another way. Don’t run, there has to be another way, there’s always another way. And if not? You MAKE your own way.

“Acxa,” you interrupted her thoughts, “Do you know where the Alteans are?”

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, “You still look to bring him back? He isn’t right for the Empire.”

“Do you or do you not know?”

Silence. After a scrutinizing minute, a single nod.

And that small bit of hope was enough for you to keep trying to find the rightful ruler of the Galra Empire.

“Take me there. Do this, then we can part ways and you’ll never have to see me again.”

Then, Acxa added, “And you never tell Lotor about our survival, if you find him.”

“There was an interesting kid I met today,” Shiro spoke after swallowing his spoonful of cafeteria food.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He stole my car.”

Shiro always had a weird sense of humor, but it was humor nonetheless. You slowly raised a brow at him, of course expecting him to expand a bit on his story now that he had you hooked. Maybe you should have joined him today, just to get a breath of fresh air and see some new, young faces.

“Well?”

“Hm?” he asked, knowing damn well what you were asking.

“Takashi, you wouldn’t even let me drive that thing. It’s your ‘baby’ and you let an actual baby steal it from underneath your nose?”

Now, he laughed out loud, “Listen, I’m impressed he didn’t crash and injure himself.”

“What’s the little thief’s name?”

“Keith. Keith Kogane,” another scoop of food, “If he joins, I’m going to be his guardian.”

A guardian, huh? Fitting, you suppose, for someone like him. Shiro seemed proud, encouraged even, and a little bit of his light shined on you. Even with his illness, he had more moments of happiness than impending doom. You respected that about him. Part of you wondered if you, too, would one day be rid of your own personal grief.

The Galra ship landed on the docking station, kicking up dust and debris from all around. Acxa’s code given to enter the base went through, but you knew that Lotor was one to have at least two means of security. You knew he wouldn’t put all his trust in one person. He always had a back up plan somewhere, somehow, and years of living as an exiled Prince no doubt ingrained that in him.

Three. There were three Alteans who approached you and Acxa when crossing to the entrance of the mountain. Each of them were equipped with a shield much like your own and a broadsword, one you recall Lotor training with long ago. Shields up, weapons prepared, it put Acxa on edge. It put you on edge, so much so that you summoned your own shield for protection.

“Who are you?”

“How did you find this place?” “Where is Lotor?”

You studied each of them, taking in their marks, their hair, their skin. Warriors, defenders. These were the protectors of the base. It...it was a true sight to behold. Lotor succeeded. He achieved in saving Alteans from extinction, something everyone doubted was even possible considering Zarkon’s wickedness. He saved a part of his history, his culture, when no one else could have. 

He succeeded where the Princess failed.

“We do not wish to fight,” you announced, hoping they obeyed the diplomacy first rule, “I - We need your help. Lotor needs your help.”

At Lotor’s name, they immediately lowered their guard as a grave expression fell upon their faces.

“You have news of Lotor’s disappearance?” one of the men asked as he stepped forward, “Where is our leader? Has...Has he been captured?”

The other two murmured under their breath, dreading the worst. Of course they knew about the Galra Empire. Of course they knew of Zarkon. Of course they knew of the exiled Prince. And of course they knew the danger he was in, they all were in. If their leader was caught, then they would do what they must to ensure his survival. They were not idiots sitting around with twiddling thumbs. 

They know damn well about the war.

Now, your lowered the shield completely, your own face grim at the news you were about to share, “Lotor is missing. I need your help finding him.”

“Captain, how do we know they are not spies? I’ve never seen that one with Lotor before,” the other soldier asked, hinting at Acxa.

“We are not spies. I am a medic that aided in healing Lotor and she is - “ you paused, unsure of the actual relationship between Acxa and Lotor, “She was part of his...crew. What can I do to prove it to you?”

The leader of the trio’s stare bore into your shield. The shape of it was the same and the stance you held was similar to their own. Their battle culture was once lost to time, generations of hiding and fleeing reduced their numbers, and the knowledge was wiped out. Lotor was the one who retaught it to them. Only Lotor knew about them.

“If you aren’t a spy, then you will need to prove it through combat.”

There was a soft knock at your door, followed by a “Hey, it’s me.”

“Me” being Shiro. Of course you let him in your room. It was impeccably clean and equally as bland save for one memento. A picture: old, wrinkled, the edges torn and frayed—showing how long it has stood against the test of time. It was you and Shiro in your old military outfits. Typical soldier uniform for him and a white medic coat for you. Dirtied cheeks and tired eyes, but both of you were smiling. Hopeful for the future.

“Ready for tomorrow’s launch?”

“Are you?”

“Waited all my life for this moment,” he sat on the edge of your bed, elbows on his knees and hands entwined with each other, “I wanted to thank you...again. For coming with us. For all this.”

“You know, the more I thought about it, the more I’m surprised I am even...here. It’s hard to believe, actually. I’m a pilot. I’m back to being a medic. I’m healing and I think...I think that’s what my father would’ve wanted for me in life.”

Shiro raised his eyebrows, surprised to hear you even mention your father after all these years of avoiding the topic. He was careful to talk about your deceased dad, even more so when your mother was involved. You never told him about her and he never pushed to know. To hear you open up, well, it...shocked him. He always hoped to be a good influence to you, a good partner, a good friend.

“I should be the one thanking you, Takashi.”

Oh, he was humbled. You gave him a honest smile, one full of fondness and appreciation. Grateful that he stuck around and helped you start walking again, step by step. Where would you be without him? Fishing, living a humble life, never returning to heal the wounded. Takashi showed you that there was something better out there for you. All you had to do was see it.

“What do you think will be up there?” you gazed out the window, night stars twinkling promises of a new future for you.

“I don’t know - ” Shiro’s eyes reflected the midnight sky, “but it’s going to be amazing.”

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

Everlark Author Game

It’s actually shameful how long it took me to get around to this. @savvylark tagged me half an eon ago to answer several Everlark related questions, so here we go.

1.     What inspired you to start writing Everlark fanfiction?

After blazing through reading the entire trilogy in a matter of days way back in 2012, I couldn’t let the stories go and needed more. I started with your traditional “growing back together” fics that filled in the hole between the Peeta planting the primroses, “Real,” and the epilogue. That led me to @promptsinpanem and I thought, “Hey, I could do this too!” And promptly chickened out, lol. Took me two years of reading, expanding my horizons into canon divergent and AU stories, lurking, and secretly writing my own fics before I worked up the courage to post something. Basically, nothing out of the ordinary.

2.     How did you choose your handle name (tumblr, ao3, ff)?

Ugh. I should dig the post out of my archive, but there’s about six and a half years worth of posts and I can’t remember the last time I reblogged it, lol. Anyways! This is actually my second name, first one was not fandom related and based off a line in a song I was low key obsessed with at the time, and I wasn’t too thrilled with it. Then someone was asked the question “If Katniss and Peeta had tumblrs, what would they blog about?” and the answer was sheer brilliance, so I wish I could find it again to share with you! Alas, not tonight. Their answer contained the phrase “And Katniss never follows back.” I about died laughing and eventually decided to change my name to katnissdoesnotfollowback. I just got lucky it was available on all three sites and literally nobody knew who I was yet. ;)

3.     Any other THG pairings you ship?

I do love me some Odesta, but my ship that I will sail into the sunset even if they never meet in canon, I don’t care you can’t talk me out of it, is Madge and Johanna. Also @savvylark, I saw you put them in your answer to this question. ;) I’ll bring more of you aboard or sink trying!

4.      Favorite character to write?

Katniss usually comes easiest for me. I feel like I struggle with Peeta’s brand of witty and it often comes out cheesy. Johanna is always a blast, and I’ll be honest, I like writing Prim as an adult because there’s just so many directions to take her. But I’ve sort of started to fall in love with writing Peeta’s brothers... does it show?

5.     Weird habits while writing?

Does playing songs on repeat and sort of dancing while writing to their rhythm count? Maybe it’s my post-it covered walls... Also gummy bears.

6.     Any advice for other Everlark writers?

This fandom has been around long enough that a lot of things have already been written. We’ve about covered every trope imaginable. And guess what? People. Are. Still. Reading. It. So don’t be too concerned with originality. Just give it your own spin and it’ll be original enough. This group is mostly very welcoming and open to new writers, to new fan created content. “Holy shit! Two cakes!” (where’s that comic when I need it????) is kind of the mentality here. There aren’t as many of them around anymore, but events like the @everlarkficexchange or @thgseasonofhope are really good platforms for either launching for fanfic career or gaining new readership. Recognition for your work may take time, but someone out there will read it. Most importantly...do you love it? Then write it.

7. Favorite thing about our fandom?

I’m borrowing @savvylark‘s answer for this one. “The overall message that we need “the dandelion in the spring” seems to be deeply ingrained in the fandom. It seems many have been dealt a poor hand, the odds weren’t in our favor and life was very hard at one point or another, yet that message of hope, that resilience seems to be in every person in the fandom, some of the most talented writers have amazing stories themselves. THAT is inspiring and beautiful!!”

I’m so late to this game that I have no idea who’s been tagged and who hasn’t. So please ignore if you’ve already played. @deinde-prandium, @notanislander, @drivebyanon. If you do decide to play, be sure to tag it with #everlarkauthor. <3

[littlegalerion]

Shipathon  Meme!

Tagged by @sheirukitriesfandom Thanks for tagging me and giving me an excuse to rant about ships~ Tagging: @foxyhearts @diamond-loki @greennightingale  1.) First Ship you Ever Wrote Fic For? It was for Vanus and Caafire, and it actually got featured front page on an animo! It was old Caafire though, before I had developed her to her current status of unable-to-use-magic-because-if-she-does-she’ll-explode sword swinger master. Back then she was just a free lance battlemage with a bad family life.  2.) Ship you Write Most Now? Well... tech I write for Trechire x Eliindil (Sheogorath) most now because that’s my timeline’s canon, so every time I write using characters in that universe I’m tech writing that ship, as Sunnabela and Kirr are their kids (Sunnabela his step-son, but Eliindil raised him). Just it’s a post-ship writing I guess? In terms of who I formulate for the most, that would probably be Laloriaran X Trechire in the AU, which I really should write more of.  3.)Ship you Read the Most Now? Sotha Sil x S/O, and it’s more just headcanon fluff stuff really. I wish there was more Sotha Sil x S/O, but that’s “not lore friendly” so I think a lot of would be writers get intimidated and scared away by lorebeards to write any solid series with it. I HAVE seen some, and for that I’m grateful. The headcanons at least seem to be multiplying beautifully.  4.) Newest Ship? Some questions are best left unanswered.  5.) Rare Ship you Wanna Read More of? Bring on the Sotha Sil x S/O or the Vanus x S/O.  Please, spoil me.  6.) Your Taboo Ship? Okay, I can already feel the heat of sheer rage from people reading what I’m gonna write under this. But Vanus x Mannimarco is the most toxic ship I have ever seen, in ANY fandom.  Firstly, heavily cliche. “They hate each other so at one time they must have liked or loved each other” No, that is not what that means. Sometimes it could be the case, but if it was romantic, then it wasn’t a “little falling out”. Vanus and Mannimarco are legends in their war against each other. In ESO Mannimarco loudly insults and kills mages of the guild, while Vanus openly spits against necromancy. Both very passionately doing so. If something romantic did happen, it’s a romance with no good memories in it. Secondly, it’s abusive. In Summerset, we get to see the two of them in their youth interacting. During this quest, it’s very obvious Mannimarco is manipulating Vanus, who is very optimistic and wants to believe the best in his friend. Mannimarco, however, doesn’t care. He never saw Vanus as an equal, BUT as a potentially USEFUL mage. He probably did feel a sting when Vanus rejected necromancy, but it wasn’t because “oh dear, my lover has rejected me!” It was most likely because Mannimarco realized he had lost a very useful future second in command, and gained an enemy which would prove a pain for years to come. I like to also point out, Mannimarco wasn’t this lonely little necromancer in the Order. We see a note concerning him in the dungeon that proves he had other friends and, while perhaps not well received overall, he had their respect as a senior member.  What I’m getting at is, if there was ANY romantic or sexual relationship between Mannimarco and Vanus, it was NOT healthy. Mannimarco knew what he was doing, and was most likely an emotionally abusive partner. The type that gets uncomfortably moody or guilt trips their partner to get his way. He is SEEN doing this in the quest, actually, when Vanus catches him raising a skeleton guar, Mannimarco replies, “I thought you’d understand” and “You sound like the Ritemaster.” A chord he knew would hit Vanus hard, which it did, as Vanus stumbles to reply and drops the argument.  Listen, if your s/o does something that makes you feel very uncomfortable and unsafe, then you go to them about it and they pull that crap on you, YOU LEAVE.  Lastly, a lot of the time it seems I see this ship under “cute gay mages owo”. Gay couples deserve healthy relationships. Gay relationships do not need to be soaked in pure drama and dark tones to exist. Especially in Elder Scrolls, where gay couples live happily and were never considered out of place.  Do not hide under the gay tag to get away with an abusive ship. Being gay doesn’t excuse a person for being an asshole, or for someone to be a pushover. But that’s enough of my ravings against that ship. For the record, I adore Mannimarco as a villain; he’s one the best I’ve ever seen, honestly.  So this isn’t just an unfair rage fest against him.  7.) They never met in Canon Ship? I feel like I have a ship on the tip of my tongue, but it just isn’t coming out. I’m drawing a blank. Nerevar with literally anyone else other than Ayem? 8.)Your unexpected Ship? Lyris and her Redguard husband were a surprise. I usually don’t relate to the warrior types in these games, but these two are just sweethearts.  9.) The Ship you Always Forget to give Love to? Verandis x Trechire. GEEZE, I forget about them so much and it’s probably the most logical ship. Verandis is a vampire lord who wants to convince the world vampires aren’t always evil, and to convince other vampires they shouldn’t live at war with the world. Trechire is a werewolf alpha who hides her wolf self from virtually everyone she knows, save for her pack, who she strives to teach to be true hunters with a code of honor. Not just some hounds who bark crazily at passersby who have a bow in their hands.  Both mages, both Altmer, both famous for their family names, so there’s lots of pressure on them.  They’d have so much to talk about, and would be such a stress reliever to each other.  10.) Ship your OC with a canon character? I already do, that’s like half the ships already in this post.  My biggest one is Laloriaran x Trechire.  Although Trechire x Sheogorath is my canon, as Eliindil becomes Sheogorath, so that counts as a canon character? 11.) Ship you’re embarrassed to Ship? She recently acquired his staff motif in this big event on ESO. He recently traded his old staff design in for the new Chapter, but in the main quest line his character model still has it.  That’s all I’m saying, because I don’t take the ship seriously, but it still exists and fuels my nightmares.  12.)Your most Romantic Ship? Trechire and Eliindil, because Trechire was made by me, Eliindil is an OC made by both me and my fiance who helps flesh out his personality, design, and background.  Then of course Laloriaran and Trechire.... 13.)Your Sexiest Ship? If I don’t say Sheogorath and Trechire, pretty sure I’m getting teleported 50 feet above the stone surface of where I shall die.  14.) Your most Tragic Ship? Laloriaran and Trechire, who ARE in my canon but of course, Laloriaran dies.  In her canon, Trechire completed the events of Morrowind, Clockwork City, and Summerset before the main questline of ESO. She had seen so many friends or just good people die. Leythen being ripped from reality right before her, Darien being forced to sacrifice himself and Trechire reading his last words before him fading away forever. Tanval Indoril dying from his own mistake, Verandis making a stupid decision out of desperation and guilt. Not to mention all the numerous little quests where this innocent and complicated person dies or suffers in the end. ESO is vicious. She had witnessed so much death, and in Laloriaran’s eyes she saw someone who understood that pain. More than anything in the world, she wanted the last Ayleid to return to Tamriel, where he’d be among friends that wouldn’t count on him for survival, but live and thrive together. She made a promise in her heart, if ANYONE would survive, even at the cost of her own life, Trechire would see to it that Laloriaran did, be it as a lover or as a friend.  And in the end, he died in her arms, Trechire a healer who could offer nothing to save him.  15.) A Ship You want more Content For? Again, BRING ON THE VANUS WITH S/O AND SOTHA SIL WITH S/O, PLEASE.