#Witcher Crack

[itendswithakiss]

This is how the Kaer Morons find out Jaskier is immortal with Yen just rolling her eyes off to the side.

*holding you close as you bleed out*

Yeah man... it was a good bit... it was a really good bit... really funny....

[virgin-iorveth-causa-salutis]

[itendswithakiss]

Jaskier: ugh that idiot

Lambert: *takes out knife*

Aiden: *lowers lambert’s hand* Who?

Jaskier: your idiot brother

Aiden: *raises lambert’s hand* Go on

[life-as-a-gamergirl]

Lord!Jaskier and Commander!Geralt AU part 2

You can find the first part here.

A good morning

Geralt: *knocking once and coming into the young lord's room at the previusly agreed hour ready to scort Jaskier in the castle to attend his duties* "My lord, I'm here to…"

Jaskier: *standing in a sexy pose, which is completely by chance and not planned at all, in the middle of the room,only in his underwear, which is casually the pair that makes his ass look better* "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. Is it time to go down already? I must have lost myself looking at the view. Isn't it lovely?" *turns his head towards the window, showing off his neck and arching his back a bit more.*

Geralt: *face completely neutral, keeping his eyes respectfully above the young lord's neck.* "I'll wait for my lord outside" *does a small bow keeping his eyes locked with Jaskier's, turns around and leaves.*

Jaskier: oh you're a hard one, uh? Even more fun. Let's see how long you can resist my charm.  

*Horny evil bard-lord cackling noises.*

Meanwhile outside his room

Geralt *as red as a tomato* what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

[blood-inthefields]



Tissaia: We didn't do anything. It's not fair. Yennefer, reading Tissaia's diary: "But the thing is, life isn't fair. You see, injustice is something I've become accustomed to. I am, after all, a child of the crossfire, surrounded by conflict. But I choose to rise above it. The path to peace is paved with tolerance and understanding. Violence is never the answer." Tissaia: I am going to ram that so far up your arse!

[dadralt]

i'm making memes instead of writing salty posts...

[itendswithakiss]

Geralt: -doing hamstring stretches- Don’t want to pull anything. It’s also easy cardio.

Jaskier: Are you calling me easy?

Everyone: Yes

*pounds a monster at 9pm* why can't I ever sleep at night

[twistedappletree]

[hannibard]

Interesting how all three ships my blog is centered around have this dynamic huh

[virgin-iorveth-causa-salutis]

template requested by @mortallyperfecttimemachine 💚😘

[bitter-caf]

Geralt is the only thing standing inbetween humanity and the apocalypse. Can you imagine how the rare species episode would have gone if jaskier was "the beginning of all things and the End (when he gets bored)". Omg geralt, breaking this bards heart kickstarted the apocalypse. Only way to stop it is for geralt to give (1) heartfelt apology and (1) blood sacrifice hug.

POSSIBILITIES FOR IMMORTAL!JASKIER

The Picture of Julian Alfred Pankratz

dicked and ditched the wrong person; cursed to remain youthful until true love’s kiss, at which point he will start to age rapidly :(((

dick too good to die - he’s slept with quite a few gods/goddesses and they wanna keep him in prime shape

unknowingly stumbled on a fountain of youth when he was wandering through some woods one day; he has no idea and never thinks to connect his suspiciously youthful looks with that lovely bath that one time

is the personification of chaos just here for a gr8 time; this greatly pisses yennefer off when she finds out

he’s like a shark - if he stops moving he’ll die; can’t stay in one place for more than a few months before he starts looking a little ragged

only has one very specific weakness that no one has figured out yet

emotional vampire

made a deal with death where they meet up once a year and jaskier has to entertain them with stories and hot goss for the entire night to renew his life subscription

actually a grim reaper

simply refuses to acknowledge the authority of time

body took a screenshot when he sneezed with his eyes open once - he’s actually died many times but he just keeps returning to that biological save point

he is the Beginning of all things and he will be their End when he gets bored please keep him enriched

as long as there’s one person still singing his songs he keeps on kicking

he’s eaten so many açaí berries. so. many. all the berries. his immune system is jacked. any form of disease or deterioration even looks at him funny and they’re immediately consumed by antioxidants

imaginary friend geralt accidentally called into being because he was so lonely :(

blood of his enemies face masks

exchanged his self-preservation instincts for immortality; when he fills up his ‘almost died again’ punch card the universe gives him a free smoothie and ages him one month; the smoothie is worth it

literally gave away his heart in a small posada inn

cheated in a game of cards against the fates and buried his thread of life deep where no one will find it

destiny’s pawn that keeps trying to circumvent her plans and break free but everything he does is like a self-fulfilling prophecy straight from a greek tragedy :(

is actually ebony dark’ness dementia raven way and everybody is in love with me and why couldn’t satan have made me less beautiful?? im good at too many things! WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!

is allergic to dying

(now with part 2)

[blood-inthefields]

In which Yennefer declares her love for Tissaia in public.

[sapphicshitandsuch]

Tissaia: Darling, sweetie, love of my life. Yennefer: Yennefer: You're mad at me, aren't you? Tissaia: Absolutely livid.

[keepinginkspots]

season 1 jaskier still holds my heart

[bbcphile]

I just noticed that Guardians of the Dafeng reused one of Di Feisheng’s costumes (from Mysterious Lotus Casebook) on a random extra!

The costume in context:

The costume in close-up:

The costume on Di Feisheng:

I’m glad it’s being reused, but it was definitely a surprise to encounter!

[twistedappletree]