#You’ll be lost jesse. You’ll be lost and you’ll be sorry when i’m gone!

[15055034455]

okay listening to Jesus Christ Superstar through the lens of Breaking Bad was such a good idea because Walt would definitely consider himself the Christ figure in his own story and if you listen to it that way it creates a comically heretical new interpretation in which Jesus is actually just a manipulative asshole with delusions of grandeur and all the Blood and Destruction Because of One Man does not remotely involve a moral high ground

[sylibane]

23. do anything with 23. i need to see something written with 23

Welp, this got away from me. And ended up a little more serious than I first intended.

Because I got the video game Control on the brain, it ended up being Control fanfic. Contains spoilers, mentions of character death, and people not handling emotions (including grief) entirely well. Prompt is again from this list by @promptsbytaurie

“Whoa. You’re dead? Actually dead? I thought you just went to another dimension.”

Dr. Darling frowned slightly as he thought. “Alive may not be the right word for my condition. I can’t exactly run tests on myself without my equipment, but I believe I’m closer to what Hedron is than any scientific definition of human. But whatever I am, I still exist, and I can still think, so I could hardly be described as dead.”

“But you just said you were talking to Trench,” Jesse said. She sat on the edge of the bed in one of the Oceanview Motel’s rooms, facing the television on the wall. “And he talked back. I can’t actually communicate with him on the Hotline, he just monologues at me. If you were able to have a conversation with him, wouldn’t that mean you’re on the same plane of existence as him?”

“I like your line of thinking, Director, but that doesn’t rule out the other possibilities. If this place is already a copy of the Oceanview constructed from my memories, it could be that Trench is part of that copy.” He waved his hand at the room around him, identical to the one Jesse sat in, except it was bathed in blue shadows rather than the golds and browns of the Oceanview during the ‘day’. “It’s also possible that the Trench I met is simply an extraplanar entity imitating him. He won’t let me examine him, but he never would if he could help it, so if it’s an imposter, it got that right.” A weary smile flickered across his face before he sat up a little straighter, adjusting his lab coat. “My point is, Director, I have no evidence to believe that this is any sort of afterlife. But as for what precisely it is, I might be here for a while before I can figure that out. It may take even longer to get a proper report back to the Bureau.”

Jesse shrugged. “We’re not going anywhere anytime soon with the lockdown. So take your time. Maybe you’ll run into someone else who’s dead. Marshall or — ”

She stopped when she saw Darling tense, eyes widening.

“I’m sorry. You’re the only member of senior leadership who’s — ” Again, ‘alive’ didn’t quite feel like the right word. “ — left. I thought you knew. You knew Trench was dead.”

“I knew Trench was going to be a casualty when Hedron showed me everything. And he’d been…gone for even longer.” Darling pushed up his glasses so he could rub his eyes. “I — I always thought if one of us was going to outlive the others, it would be Helen.”

Jesse grimaced. “I’m sorry about Marshall. I got a chance to meet her before we lost her, she seemed…impressive.” Ugh. She was going to have to get better at this, given the number of people the Bureau had lost. “She went down trying to stop the Hiss.”

“Thank you, but — I’m fine. I just need a moment.” Dr. Darling managed a weak chuckle, even though Jesse could see how heavily he was blinking. “Interesting. Even if I don’t have a normal human body anymore, I still react physically like I do. I’ll — I’ll have to make note of that.” He cleared his throat and straightened his coat again. “Maybe I will run into someone else I knew. That would indicate that this place is reacting to me. I wonder if it can be anyone I knew, or if they have to be dead, or were important to me. Trench again, or Marshal, or…” He swallowed whatever he was going to say and looked to the side.

Jesse’s stomach sank as she realized what he was avoiding. God, she didn’t want to do this. But he deserved to know. In every sense of the word ‘deserved’. “Dylan’s alive, but he’s in a coma. I got the Hiss out of him, but the doctors aren’t optimistic that he’ll ever wake up.”

It took Dr. Darling a minute or so before he could look directly at her again, and she could tell it was as uncomfortable for him as it was for her. “I knew something was wrong. Whatever connection he still had to Hedron had broken. If he’s even still alive, that’s more than I could have hoped for.” He looked down at his hands. “It’s far too late for it, but, Jesse, I am truly sorry for what happened with Dylan.”

It was Jesse’s turn to struggle for what to say. She shouldn’t be having this conversation, she was supposed to be in the Oceanview to get some rest, damnit, and it shouldn’t have mattered what she felt about Darling, because he should have been gone. She finally settled on, “You’re right, it is too late. But I’ll take it.”

Something thumped in the hallway on Dr. Darling’s side, followed by an indistinct voice in the distance, sparing them both from any more of this conversation. He started, then leaned towards the screen to whisper, “I think I heard Trench again. I’ll be right back.” He ducked out of sight, leaving Jesse to hope he wouldn’t bring the previous director back with him. Darling could get all the closure he wanted with Trench’s ghost without her.  

Thankfully, when Dr. Darling reappeared, he was alone. “Trench again?” she said.

The glee was back in Darling’s voice and eyes. “I don’t know, I didn’t see him. But I caught a glimpse of someone walking around in an antique diving suit! Someone or something is here! I’m going to follow them for a bit. I’ll try to contact you on the Hotline or your version of the Oceanview again, but if I don’t see you for a while, good luck with the rest of the Bureau!” He shot her a thumbs-up before disappearing again, leaving her alone in the room.

[dino-fart]

Vengeful Spirit | Chapter 1: Sanctum Sanctorum

Summary + Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Pairing: Stephen Strange x Female!Reader

Genre: Action, Horror

Summary: You are cordially invited to a grand manor deep in the mountains of Aspen, CO. You discover that you’re not the only one, there are nine other people. You soon get involved with some otherworldly beings in the manor and it turns from a party to simply surviving until help arrives. Good thing your sister is way ahead of you by contacting a local Master of the Mystic Arts. 

Your sister, Jess, who was only three years younger than you, rushed her way to the large doors of the Sanctum Sanctorum. She was about to knock on the door when the doors opened automatically. She slowly walked in and stood there in the foyer. “H-Hello?” She called out softly. 

“Greetings, are you...Lost?” A male voice said and Jess looked up to see the great Doctor Strange flying down the stairs with his cloak. He landed a few feet from her and looked at the scared expression on her face. 

“A-Are you Doctor Strange?” Jess asked just wanting to be sure. 

In the foyer, Jess sat in the armchair with a cup of tea in her hands. Stephen said across from her looking at the manila folder on the coffee table between them. “So your sister...Was invited to this place and now she’s disappeared?” He said moving to open up the folder. Jess nodded. 

“Have you gone to go check on her?” 

“N-No, sir, I...I got a text of an audio recording and photos from her...She told me not to come...She said...There was someone trying to kill her.” 

“Have you alerted the authorities?” 

“No, just...Just look at the photos she sent me and you’ll see why.” Jess opened the folder for him and splayed out two photos of two translucent beings in a hallway. 

“That’s...Well, that’ll do it.” Stephen raised a brow. 

Jess looked up at the sorcerer, “S-So c-can you help her?” 

“I need more details, I need to know what I would be up against.” 

Jess nodded, “A few days before she went, she kept talking about how she was seeing things.” 

“Like what?” 

“Like...Like that.” Jess pointed at the ghost with hollowed eyes, “She said she kept seeing this in her dreams and stopped sleeping. I-I thought maybe it was because she was stressed at work and I just dismissed her. I should’ve listened...I could’ve stopped her.” 

Stephen gave her a sympathetic look, “Take a deep breath...I need to know what was the last thing she said to you.” 

Jess didn’t answer, instead, she took out her phone and played the audio recording. 

“Jess...Listen...I want to say I’m sorry for scaring you so much but...But I’m going to prove I’m not crazy. This is the fucking place that keeps showing up in my dreams, it means something. That woman keeps leading me here. I’m going to find this out and show you.” Your voice echoed throughout the room. 

The recording stopped and Jess felt tears in her eyes, “H-How can I tell anyone about this without them thinking she’s insane?” 

Stephen nodded slowly and understood. 

“I’ll pay you whatever you want, just please help her!” Jess pleaded with tears falling down her cheeks. 

Stephen’s cloak was removed from its shoulders and wrapped around Jess comfortingly. 

Jess was speechless seeing this happen and looked at Stephen, “S-So I guess...This isn’t something...Far-fetched for you?” 

“Aliens, sorcerers, superheroes, I’ve dealt with...Ghosts are...Definitely something new.” Stephen sighed. 

Jess tapped her foot on the floor absentmindedly. Her anxiety was through the roof but Stephen’s cloak did offer her some comfort. 

“I’ll track your sister down and bring her home.” Stephen finally said. 

Jess smiled widely and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Thank you! W-What do you charge?” 

“Please, I can’t accept payment. My curiosity being satisfied is enough for me.” Stephen reassured her, “So where do I start?” 

“The Aspen Mountains, there’s a manor there at the outskirts of the town. I can get us a flight there a-” 

“Us?” 

“Y-Yes, I want to come with you.” 

“Absolutely not. If what you’re telling me is true then you know it’s dangerous.”  

“I-I know but my sister...I didn’t leave things on good terms, it was my fault.” Jess began to sob. The cloak moved its ends to wipe her tears. “Thank you...” Jess smiled. 

“You can say all that you need to say when I bring her back, I promise,” Stephen said softly and Jess nodded. Stephen escorted Jess out of the Sanctum, “I’ll call you when I’ve brought her back safe and sound.” 

“Thank you so much!” Jess embraced Stephen and he returned the hug lightly. He watched Jess leave and walked back into the Sanctum. 

“Well...Here we go.” He sighed.

Dividers By: @firefly-graphics​

[bing-bang-bingo]

- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel

- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”

- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles

- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas

- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”

- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna

- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”

- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell

- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere

- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”

- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean

- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”

- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach

- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”

- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket

- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”

- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay

- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe

- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad

- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself

- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.

- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”

- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*

- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.

- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him

- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)

- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”

- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.

- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)

- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.

- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.

- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.

- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.

- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.

- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”

- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”

- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead

- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.

- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.

- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.

- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.

- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas

- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.

- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.

- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.

- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself

- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.

- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.

- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept

- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.

- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean

- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye

- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.

- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.

- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”

- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”

- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas

- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue

- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.

- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy

- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain

- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again

- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean

- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”

- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”

- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon

- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”

- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands

- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*

- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark

- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.

- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror

- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.

- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer

- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).

- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*

- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)

- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)

- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas

- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.

- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)

- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.

- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.

- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas

- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”

- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas

- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck

- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.

- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps

- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”

- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.

- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.

- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously

- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues

- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”

- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands

- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”

- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.

- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.

- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken

- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.

- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.

- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”

- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.

- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas

- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble

- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.

- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness

- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”

- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”

- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas

- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING

- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”

- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”

- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.

- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters

- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.

- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.

- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time

- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape

- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”

- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”

- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot

- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.

- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas

- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back

- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”

- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.

- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.

- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.

- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.

- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.

- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself

- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.

- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”

- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back

- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.

- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.

- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.

- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.

- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer

- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.

- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean

- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”

- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”

- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.

- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.

- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.

- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack

- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left

- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”

- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now

- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.

- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.

- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever

- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels

- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”

- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.

- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.

- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)

- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”

- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying

- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*

- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)

- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean

- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay

Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more

[therealvinelle]

Ok I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm just now copying your Norwegian Bella AU into a text translator, and if you don't already have 50 people in your inbox demanding a translation then shame on ALL OF US because this is glorious! And while Google Translate does have a certain charm (it translated "piper hun ut" as "she beeps") I'm curious to see how you'd put it in English.

Troquantary is referring to this post. In which Bella doesn't speak English.

Fun fact, you're the only one who's gone into my inbox to request this. I was so sad, had the translation half-written and everything, but I was too proud to beg. So thank you, Troquantary, for popping this ask.

As for the dictionary fuckups, sounds about right. I made a few typos, too, that made Google Translate suffer even more. (Such as managing to mix up "henne" (her) and "hendene" (hands), resulting in Aro patting Bella instead of clapping his hands. Poor Google.)

Also, there are a few cultural references and language things that would be lost in the translation, in an attempt to keep them I included notes clarifying things.

Some things, like Aro and Carlisle's very old man way of speaking, are easier said than done to translate, you'll have to bear with me there.

Additional notes are that I added a few things to this version, many of them because translating is hard, but a few because while translating I thought "oh you know what would be much funnier-" and then wrote that.

Alright, without further ado:

When Renée left Charlie she did not go to Florida, she went to Oslo. And she went all in to make her daughter a true Norwegian, hiring Norwegian nannies and making sure never to speak English around the child. Since transatlantic flights are expensive, little Bella Swan rarely got to visit her father, and as such she never did learn what should have been her native language.

She quickly forgot what English she did have in favor of Norwegian, with the exception of words like “Yes”, “No”, and “I’m Bella”.

The few trips she took to visit her father were all the more awkward than in canon since she couldn’t play with the Black kids. Let not the blame fall upon Charlie: he took Norwegian classes and speaks conversational Norwegian. He can’t speak to Renée, because her Norwenglish is incomprehensible even to Norwegians, but he can communicate with Bella.

Not that he’s had a lot of chances to do so.

Bella makes it to seventeen years old, she’s in second grade at Handels* and is a major outsider among the preps there, and then Renée marries a handsome skier**. Together they shall travel the continent all winter to participate in as many skiing races as they can, and in the summer they’ll take gigs at Hurtigruta to see the coast.

*“Handels” is the nickname for an Oslo high school infamous for its pupils being rich and beautiful blonds who are going to be CEOs when they grow up.

**Skiing as a sport is huge in Norway

***Hurtigruta is a famous ferry that travels across the Norwegian West coast

Bella, who sucks at skiing and is too young to work at Hurtigruten, takes the hint.

With dread in her stomach and dictionary in hand she goes to her father in America.

Where she doesn’t speak the language.

Faen.

Charlie gives her a car, and I wish this meta was set in the present because I could have joked about electric cars and the automat only driver’s license*, but Twilight is set in 2005 so I can’t. The car part proceeds without drama.

*An increasing number of Norwegian youth take the driver’s license for automatic cars only, and we’re the country in the world with the highest percentage of electric car purchases.

School is worse than in canon, because she is now a thousand times more sensational than if she was merely the new student. She is from another country! All of Forks keels over with excitement.

To make matters even worse, our girl doesn’t understand a word of what people are saying.

She is too awkward to let them know she doesn’t know English. It’d become a thing, and they might think she’s dumb. To be fair, it’s not good that she’s been through primary, secondary, and now a year and a half of high school and still sucks at English.

So she nods, smiles, mumbles “Hi, I’m Bella” to the new faces, and blushes heavily when anybody says anything.

People assume she’s shy. That’s a bit boring, but oh well.

She has her biology class with the redhead hottie she noticed during lunch. She watched him and his family, they were fascinatingly pretty, but she doesn’t know anything more about them. Sure would have been great if she could have asked the tiny girl (was it Jess?) about them.

Biology proceeds as in canon - Edward badly wants to eat the delicious girl, but fortunately doesn’t.

She runs into him in the office when he tries to switch to another biology lesson, but she has no idea what he’s saying so she only has the suspicion that this somehow concerns her. Which is still uncomfortable, but Bella is probably the problem here. The hottie surely can’t be.

He’s missing from school for a week, Bella finds that weird.

He returns, and to her great horror he starts talking to her.

“Hello”, he says.

Bella dies inside. He’s too handsome!

"I'm Edward Cullen," he continues, and ok, she got that. The hottie is called Edward, that’s good to know. She’s not sure she caught that last name, though, Köln?

He says something else, it’s gibberish to Bella even though she’s concentrating, and at the end there he says “Bella Swan”.

She gulps.

"I'm Bella Swan," she confirms and nods. That should be correct. God, she hopes it’s correct.

He smiles a crooked, boyish smile. She’s awed. She didn’t think it was possible to be so beautiful.

He says something else.

Bella didn’t catch it.

She blushes even harder, she hasn’t been more embarrassed in her life. Here he is, the most handsome guy in all the world, and she has nothing to say to him. Literally, they don’t speak the same language.

She should tell him.

It’s one thing to chicken out of telling the town she doesn’t speak English, but there’s something different about Edward Cullen. He deserves the truth.

But...

He’s the most beautiful person she has seen in her life. He is American, too, so the odds of him knowing Norwegian are microscopical. If he finds out she doesn’t understand a word he says he’ll stop talking to her, and selfish as she is she doesn’t want that.

So with a slightly guilty conscience (but not enough to fess up) she contributes to the conversation with enough words and smiles to pull through. "Yes", "No", "Thank you", and "That's nice".

He is surprised by several of these answers, but instead of giving her odd looks and losing interest he grows more invested in the conversation.

Class ends.

The next day the near accident happens, and he saves her. She is stunned - dear god, did he just pick up a whole car? After teleporting across the parking lot..?

Soon she’s in the ER, and more than a little bit stressed about that fact since she knows the Americans have a terrible healthcare system.

She hopes Charlie has an insurance.

An insanely beautiful man walks into the ER, and Bella is shocked. He is just as handsome as Edward and Edward’s lunch friends!

He introduces himself as Carlisle Cullen, and Bella can only assume this is someone’s older brother. Possibly related to the blonde girl.

He smiles at her, says something, and she answers, "I'm Bella Swan."

He frowns.

That must have been the wrong answer, then.

His hands return to investigating her scalp, and to her great surprise he switches to perfect Norwegian, "kjenner De* noe ubehag når jeg holder her?" Do you feel any discomfort when I touch here?

*De is the Norwegian polite pronoun for “you”. Du = thou = the French tu, and De = you = the French vous. These polite pronouns went out of use in the 1980’s, save for when addressing royal persons, and would be considered antiquated in 2005.

He hurries to add, "Norsk lærte jeg i... fjor sommer. Det var et nettkurs." I learned Norwegian… last year. Online class.

"Hvilket da?" Which one? Bella asks, because Charlie needs to hear about this. The doctor has beautiful, if slightly outdated, pronunciation.

The doctor’s smile turns uncertain. She gets the feeling there’s something he doesn’t want to say. "Husker ikke," I don’t remember, sier han etter en litt vel lang pause.

That’s a shame. And weird.

"De hadde hellet med Dem i dag, som ikke ble truffet av den bilen." You were lucky today, not getting hit by that car. he then says, noticeably changing the subject.

"Det var ikke hell, det var Edward," It wasn’t luck, it was Edward, she replies sharply.

The doctor definitely looks uncomfortable.

She continues, "Han krysset skolegården på et blunk, og plukket opp hele bilen. Jeg så det," He crossed the schoolyard in a moment, and picked up the whole car. I saw it,

The doctor laughs. "Om han kunne det hadde nok gymkarakteren hans vært meget bedre. Nei, frøken Swan*, jeg beklager å si at det høres ut som at De er litt omtåket. Det er helt normalt ved hjernerystelse." If he could do that, his PE grade would be a lot better. No, Miss Swan, I’m sorry to say you seem confused. That’s normal with concussions.

*Addressing a young woman as “frøken” is even more outdated than using polite pronouns.

Why does Bella get the feeling he’s lying?

She’s discharged.

We’ll jump ahead to her trip to La Push - that trip uneventful, since Jacob knows she doesn’t speak English. They stick their hands in their pockets and stare at the sea.

The next day she’s shanghaied to Port Angeles, because apparently she said “Yes” at the wrong time when talking to Jessica (Turns out Jess’s name was Jessica!) and accidentally said yes to a day trip to Port Angeles.

Like in canon she wanders away from the others, and as in canon she is nearly gang raped. And again as in canon she is saved at the last moment by Edward.

He buys her dinner, and she can’t believe her own luck- and misfortune. A date with the most handsome guy on the planet (hence the luck) and she can’t say a word to him (hence the misfortune)!

He says things to her, lends her his jacket, and really this is it for Bella, she’s peaked, life can’t get better than this.

(That’s a lie, it would be better if she spoke English.)

He’s so amazing.

She’s gotten pretty good at navigating conversations with him, so she nods and aha’s her way through.

In his car on the way home the tone takes a more serious turn.

He asks her about something, and it’s a serious question, that much she’s gathered. She answers in the confirmative.

He is silent.

Did she say anything wrong?

(Edward, on his end, just asked if she knows what he is. She said yes, so calmly, not even a trace of fear in her.)

A few days later he takes her out on a walk in the woods.

He shows her a meadow in the woods, and when he steps into it he lights up in the sunlight.

Bella is in shock.

She knew there was something different about him, but- holy cow. This guy isn’t human.

Is she dating a god?

She stumbles into the clearing after him, and they spend a day together where he says things, and she can barely hear any of it (nevermind understand it) because she’s so distracted by how pretty he is.

The next day he takes her to a house in the middle of nowhere. She doesn’t want to guess that this can be where he lives. Surely gods don’t live in houses?

He shows her inside the house, and introduces her for Dr. Cullen and a lady with a name she doesn’t catch.

Bit weird that these two are acting like a couple of parents, they’re far too young and divine for that.

Edward shows her around in an old-fashioned office, and she doesn’t know what to make of i when she sees a painting of Carlisle. Edward launches into a long story when he sees her watching it, unfortunately she doesn’t catch any dates or artist names. At one point she heard the word “suicide”, though, and that’s not good.

She doesn’t get much out of the story.

The baseball game doesn’t happen because Bella didn’t pick up on what Edward wanted and didn’t realize she was being invited to a thing. They spend the afternoon watching a movie instead.

The relationship continues, impeded slightly by communication problems, but she’s mostly able to cover those up.

Until her birthday comes around.

She gets a papercut.

Jasper lunges at her. Edward throws her into a glass table, and then everyone is leaving.

Carlisle is kind enough to switch to Norwegian when he’s stitching up her arm, perhaps remembering the last time she was his patient. "Jasper har ikke vært på dietten vår så veldig lenge." Jasper hasn’t been on our diet for very long.

"Diett?"she asks. She’s never seen Edward eat anything. She wasn’t clear on what the Cullens ate, honestly she thought they were above such things. She was thinking maybe photosynthesis. The knowledge that they apparently eat food astounds her, but diets?

"Dyreblod istedenfor menneskeblod," Animal blood in stead of human blood, Carlisle clarifies.

Whachasay?

Carlisle gives a slight smile. “Jaspers liv som vampyr fikk en brutal start." Jasper’s life as a vampire got off to a brutal start.

...

Vampire?!

Bella’s missed something here.

Oh dear lord, oh fy faen, she has missed something.

“Åja”, uh huh, is all she can say, and suddenly she’s very aware of the fact that she’s sitting there with a bleeding arm.

And Carlisle.

Who is a vampire.

Over the course of the following conversation Bella makes a host of discoveries.

Edward has been a vampire this whole time, and he’s a telepathic vampire. Whether Bella should be a vampire too or not has been a matter of hot debate, but due to religious reasons Edward doesn’t want that.

Carlisle also brings up how Edward died of the Spanish flu.

"Jeg var under den oppfatning at Edward fortalte deg bakhistorien min?" I was under the impression Edward told you my back story? Carlisle asks at one point, and Bella just has to ask very nicely if he’d be so kind as to repeat it.

Turns out the guy is nearly four hundred years old.

Jaha.

Jahahaha jaa ha.

That’s… a lot.

She wanders out of the house in shock, and hardly notices Edward’s strange behavior over the next couple of days.

One day he picks her up at school, and takes her behind the house.

That works out.

He’s a vampire, but he never hurt her. He is endlessly beautiful, perhaps easier to love now that she knows he’s not a god. He’s her Edward, and that’s suddenly easier now that she knows.

They can still be together.

But now that she knows this about him, it’s about time he knows something about her as well.

It’s time to finally be honest with him.

So when he opens his mouth, she opens her mouth as well, but she doesn’t get any further than to “Edward-” before he launches into a monologue.

She’ll have to wait until he’s done before saying her piece. It’s a bit embarrassing, but it doesn’t seem like he intends to stop talking anyway.

And what he’s saying seems to be serious, so it’s probably best to let him finish.

Edward concludes his monologue by kissing her forehead. Then he disappears.

Where did he go?

A big unsure, Bella goes back to the house. She’ll just have to wait until he gets back.

She doesn’t know what to think when Charlie returns from work and tells her the Cullens have all left.

Oh, god.

Edward must have found out she doesn’t speak English.

She made a mockery of him.

He has every right to leave.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to live with.

Bella sinks into a depression.

The hallucinations begin, as in canon, though Hallusinward speaks Norwegian. Thank god for small mercies.

The friendship with Jacob (dictionary in hand) blooms, as someone has to help her see those hallucinations.

The cliff diving happens, and Alice shows up. Bella’s not sure what this is about, but she has gotten good enough at English to know that something bad happened, and Alice wants them to do something.

She’s a bit surprised to find herself on a plane to Italy, though.

Alice tells her to “Run to Edward” and ok, she got that, actually.

So she saves Edward.

After that she’s taken into the sewer, which turns out to house dozens of vampires.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are received in some kind of hall, where an unusual vampire has quite a bit to say. She understands some of what he’s saying, at least the part about “la tua cantante”. She knows a bit about Italian, see, so she knows that he’s talking about a song now.

She wishes she knew the context.

At one point he takes her hand, and appears fascinated by it. She wonders if he’s a palmreader. Not very vampirey, but what does she know.

He asks her a question.

"Yes," she says.

Saying yes has gotten her this far, after all.

But when he lights up and claps his hands together, and Edward and Alice stare at her in shock and betrayal, she knows she must have said the wrong thing.

The two are dismissed from the room before Bella can do or say anything, she’s just listening to Edward make a racket outside in the hallway.

Not good.

The unusual vampire brings her further down in his sewer palace to a basement, and she is given comfortable clothes to wear.

This is getting terrifying.

The vampire leans towards her - and she chickens out.

"Jeg snakker ikke engelsk!" she squeaks. "Non habla ingles!" I don’t speak English.

Han stanser, og ser forvirret ut. "Que- Hva behager*?" I beg your pardon? spør han etter et øyeblikk.

*A very formal, and slightly outdated (you can use it, but people will think you’re putting on airs. And they will be right) way of saying “excuse me?”

Sobbing, Bella tells him the whole story, from how she didn’t want to be the weird kid in school to how she’s now somehow in Italy without knowing why nor what she just agreed to.

When she’s done the vampire starts laughing.

"Dette forklarer jo en hel del," This explains quite a bit, ler han. "Men, kjære Bella, jeg er redd det ikke endrer noe." But, my dear Bella, I’m afraid it changes nothing.

He tells her that she has agreed to serve him and his army of undead warriors into eternity.

Well fuck.

"Du skal få slippe det, når du ikke visste hva du samtykket til - men skjebnen din forblir den samme. Loven er loven." You’re released from that promise, as you didn’t know what you agreed to - but your fate remains the same. The law is the law.

After a moment of silence, during which she looks terrified, he hurries to add, "Vi har en lov. Du må bli en av oss." We have a law. You must become one of us.

A law that Bella Swan has to become a vampire?

People are finally speaking Norwegian, and Bella is still lost. And it’s too embarrassing to keep pestering this poor, polite man with questions.

So she nods.

He gives her a glittering smile, and bites her.

When she wakes, Aro offers her an English course. A language course that, naturally, leads to her staying in Volterra. Why not learn a few more languages while we’re at it, dearest Bella?

Some time later Edward breaks into Volterra to save his Rapunzel, only to barely recognize her now that she’s a vampire who says things. Lots of things, she talks all the time now. WHAT DID ARO DO TO HER.

Too mortified to admit that she never spoke English, Bella claims she’s been brainwashed.

Aro is having too much fun to correct her, and the whole sad affair sets off a regrettable flood of rumors.

[holylulusworld]

Play Pretend

Title: Play Pretend

Summary: Sam betrays you in more than one way. Years later you meet again. Can he win you over again or will you never forgive him for breaking your heart?

Squares filled for: @spnquotebingo​

Quote: ("I wake up in the morning and I feel like I'm missing something. I know that there's something not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is... then I remember. My best friend is gone. My only friend. It was silly of me to rely so much on one person." - Love, Rosie)

Word Count:

Pairing: Sam Winchester x fem!Reader, implied Sam x Ruby

Characters: Dean Winchester

Rating: Mature

Warnings: angst, language, cheating, sadness, break-up, mentions of blood junkie Sam, hurt & comfort, fluff, meeting again, second chances???

A/N: Set in Season 4/later on Season 10

Divider by @firefly-graphics​

SPN Quote Bingo masterlist

The night before your world exploded…

“Hey, sweetheart,” Dean pokes his head into your room, or rather the room you share with your boyfriend of four years, Sam. The love of your life. “Sammy is still at the bar and tries to find out if there is anything the victims got in common.”

“Dean, I love you like a brother,” you whisper, not even lifting your head to meet his eyes in the dim light of your bedroom, “but please stop lying for Sam.”

“I did not lie, Y/N,” mumbling the words Dean steps closer into the room, eyes glued to the wrapped gift on the nightstand. “A gift?”

“He forgot our anniversary, Dean. I know he's with her, that demonic bitch again. I can see her red lipstick on his shirt and smell her cheap perfume and the sulfur. I tried to make Sam see she’s not what he wants or needs but-“

Your voice cracks and you wipe your eyes. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” Dean sits on the bed next to you, eyes glued to the gift on the nightstand. “Sammy, he changed since I’m back, or maybe it was while I was gone.”

“The moment you were gone he stopped being my Sam and became a shadow of the man I fell in love with. I let him stray, even leave me for weeks as he lost you but now – you are back, and he still leaves me.”

“Maybe you should talk to Sam, Y/N,” you turn around, shaking your head lightly. “What do you want to do?” Dean asks, already knowing the answer. “I will miss you, Y/N. You’re the annoying little sister I never had.”

“I will miss you too, Dean,” choking out a sob you close your eyes. “You know that you can always call me. Just give me some time to calm.”

Just like any other night for months you lie on the edge of the bed, ignoring Sam sneaks into your shared bedroom.

You can smell her on him, and if the moonless night would offer more than dim light you could see the lipstick on his neck and the scratch-marks on his back.

Sam hides his infidelity poorly lately. Hickeys. Lipstick. Her scent on him. He  seems to want to rub it in your face that he’s no longer interested in you.

His hands, the ones which once felt so warm are cold when he touches you now. Not sexually, of course. Sam didn’t even look at you for months. Not that you wanted him to touch you. 

You pretend you are asleep when Sam settles on the bed next to you. He sighs, mumbling your name when his eyes land on the gift on his nightstand. 

“I forgot our anniversary, babe,” he whispers, rolling to his side to look at the back of your head. You can feel his hand gently run over your arm, but you don’t move, not wanting to break things up with him tonight. “Gonna make it up to you after we killed Lilith.”

Tonight, you will let your hatred burn all the love your felt for him out of your heart. Tonight, you will play pretend and ignore the pieces of your heart on the floor when he kisses your neck softly.

Tomorrow you will get back up and leave the love of your life for good.

The next night you are gone. You don’t lie in a cold bed, waiting for the love of your life to pretend he still loves you. And you don’t pretend to not see the love in his eyes is long gone…

“Gone?” looking around your shared bedroom Sam balls his hands into fists. “How can Y/N be gone? She was with you the whole time.”

“You mean the time you spend with your favorite demon, the one you love to fuck?” Dean spats, stepping toward the nightstand. “She even bought you a gift even though she knew you fuck that corpse. I think I’ll take a few days off.”

“Do you want to leave me too? Just like the useless girl I dragged around for years?” Sam spats.

“Sammy, I love you but right now, I don’t recognize my brother anymore. No wonder Y/N left and didn’t look back…”

Around six years later, St. Cloud, Minnesota

“I’m telling you, Sammy,” Dean smirks, jerking his head toward the bags with food on the table at their shared motel room, “this is the best burger in town. The owner makes the pickles, Sam. You should learn to enjoy the little things.”

Sam makes a face, not in the mood to talk about food with his brother. “If you say so,” he shrugs, glancing at his phone. “You know, we could just sit this one case out.”

“I’m fine,” Dean grumbles, thumb running over the mark on his arm. “It’s calmer today. Just let me enjoy my food, drink some beer and forget about anything else.”

“Rowena said she’s close to finding a spell to break the bond. Charlie and Castiel help her stay focused on helping you and not rule the world,” laughing Dean looks at his brother, shaking his head. 

“You need to get laid, Sammy. Find a girl and stop worrying about me.”

“I’m not in the mood,” Sam tuts, looking at Dean’s greasy food. “I just-“

“I know, I know,” rolling his eyes the elder brother takes a large bite of his burger. “You can’t focus on a sweet girl while your brother runs around with the Mark of Cain.”

“Exactly.”

“That’s bullshit, Sam. Go to that bar we passed on our way here. Hit on the bartender or whoever floats your boat. Get laid,” adamant Dean hands Sam a condom. “Don’t come back before you got laid.”

“DEAN!”

“SAM!”

“FINE!”

“What can I get you?” the bartender asks, giving Sam a sweet smile. The kind of smile she spares for men like Sam who rarely stumble into her bar. “Beer, Whiskey, or something sweeter?”

“Beer is fine,” Sam looks around the almost empty bar, hating Dean made him leave. “Maybe some peanuts too.”

“I wouldn’t eat the peanuts,” watching someone sit next to him Sam eyes you warily. “It only makes you thirstier for their cheap beer,” you whip your head to meet Sam’s gaze. “It’s awful by the way.”

“Y/N,” choking your name out Sam lets his eyes wander to comfirm it’s really you. He looks at the tiny tattoo on your neck, a tiny butterfly. The one you got while Sam held your hand tightly.

Your hair is a little longer, and your face shows your journey since he last saw you. But it is you. Undoubtable.

“Winchester,” you tap your glass, glaring at the bartender who ignores you to shove a piece of paper with her phone number toward Sam. “You look good. Heard you killed that bitch.”

“That was six years ago, Y/N,” Sam moves closer, places his large hands onto the dirty bar counter. “H-How have you been? Do you still hunt?”

“Never got out of business,” you shrug, eyes glued to your glass now. “Heard you got out of business some time ago. Seems like you’re back to business to me. Wasn’t your style?”

“Dean came back,” mumbling Sam looks at you, feeling his heartbeat quicken when you nod silently. “Guess she wasn’t the one.”

“No one seems to be ‘the one’ to you, Sammy,” it’s a low blow but you deliver it with a smirk. “That you cheated on me was the best thing happening to me. I finally had the time to train more and focus on the one thing I’m good at. Killing.”

“You’re not a killer, Y/N,” you scoff at Sam’s words, not wanting him to believe you are still the broken girl he betrayed years ago. “I wasn’t me back then, Y/N. Ruby, she fed me demon blood. I wanted to become more powerful to defeat Lilith.” he sits next to you, hand reaching out for his beer to hold onto something to calm his nerves. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t fix what you have broken, Sam. I trusted you. Dean and Bobby trusted you. None of us was good enough to you. It wasn’t Ruby pushing me away, it was you,” you down your drink, slamming the glass onto the counter. “Go ahead and fuck the bartender, Sam. She almost drools all over you.”

He watches you toss a few bucks onto the counter before you turn to leave. Sam can’t let you go, he just can’t, so he does the only thing coming to his mind – he grasps for your arms to slam you against the nearby wall, his lips silencing you.

“Sam, let me go,” you pant. God, you hate he looks even better in the dim light of the dingy bar. The years have been kind to Sam. Even though you see the pain and loss he endured in his eyes and the fine lines around his eyes, he’s still the most attractive man you ever met. 

“Please, let us talk, Y/N. I know you’ll not believe me, but I never forget about you. And I never forgave myself for hurting you deeply,” he whispers, lips pressing against your temple.

“I can’t talk to you, Sam. Do you know how I felt? Do you?” you cry, tears on your cheeks. “In the first weeks I-I felt like-“ you choke out a sob, shaking your head when Sam tells you he’s sorry again.

“Y/N,” he whispers, voice deeper than you remember. You missed Sam grew out of his insecurities and became a man. He’s no longer the boy he used to be when you still were a thing. “Give me the chance to talk to you, please. Dean, he would be happy to see you too.”

“Back then all I could do was to leave and still, you affect me. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I'm missing something. I know that there's something not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is... then I remember. My best friend is gone. My only friend. It was silly of me to rely so much on one person." you sniff. 

“Oh, Y/N,” you hate his eyes soften and you know it’s only a matter of time Sam will try to bring you into his arms. “I should’ve never let you go. You were my best friend, the only woman I loved after I lost Jess. Please, believe me, I never wanted to hurt you.”

“You were not only my lover but my family too. Do you know how lonely I was? I had no one left, no one,” crying you let Sam bring you in his arms. The pain and hurting hit you out of nowhere when you feel his warm chest press against your face. “How could you cheat on me with that corpse?”

“’m so sorry, baby girl. So sorry,” Sam curses. He thought about you now and then, never forgot about you over all those years. He believed you got over him and found love in someone else’s arms. It pained him to think about you; but seeing you like this, facing the consequences of his failure shatters his heart. “Please, let me take you to my home, show you a place where you can feel safe.”

“I never was safe, Sam. Not without you by my side. I-I got broken, beaten, and ripped apart more than once. Do you see the girl from back then in me? I don’t. She’s gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever find her again.”

“Y/N,“ Sam whispers your name, kissing your hair softly. “I found you again. Now let me help you find yourself…”

Tags in reblog.

[winterscaptain]

misdirected.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: alright! The moment yall have been waiting for (other than that last moment you were all waiting for!) we have jack’s quick rebellion! Yay! this takes place in au!march 2012.

words: 1.35k warnings: language, a touch of angst and then its cute

summary: any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. - arnold bennett

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | requests closed!

“C’mon kiddo, time for bed.” 

Jack, still frustrated from his dad’s confiscation of the Wii hours earlier, promptly and simply responds, “No.” 

“Jack…”

“I want to keep building.” 

You step farther into his room and kneel beside him. “Can we build some more in the morning? Maybe together?” 

He shakes his head. “I want to build now. By myself." 

You know Aaron is in the other room. You know you should go get him. There’s part of you stubbornly reliant on your closeness with Jack, so you try again. “Jack, babe, it’s past eight, we needed to start getting ready about fifteen minutes ago.” 

When you reach out to touch his shoulder, he flinches. You draw your hand back as if burned and search for his eyes. “You alright, bud?”

“Go away.” 

Tears spring into your eyes, but you keep them back with a deep breath. “Is there something I can do for you before I go?”

“I want my dad.” 

“Okay.” Taking the loss, you stand and pad down the hallway, trying to smooth out your breath along the way. 

He’s never been like that. 

He’s never talked to me like that. 

Aaron instantly picks up on your anguish when you close the bedroom door behind you, closing the case file in his lap. “What’s wrong?”

You open your mouth to speak, but are overcome before anything can come out. 

He, of course, fears the worst at your silence, jumping out of bed. “Is Jack alright, where is -”

“He’s fine. He’s fine.” You stop him with two hands flat on his chest, and he immediately picks them up, kissing your fingers. 

“Baby, what’s wrong. You’re scaring me a little.” 

You shake your head. “Jack’s just - he…” You take another breath. “He just snapped at me and -” You falter, feeling a little silly for being so affected by a six-year-old’s misdirected frustration. 

Aaron pulls you to his chest and you bring your hands under his arms and around his shoulders, winding your fingers in his shirt. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. What happened?”

“I told him,” you say around little hiccups, “I told him it was time for bed, like I usually do, and he just...said no and told me to go away and get you.” Your grip on his shirt loosens a little as he pulls back, wiping your tears with his thumb. “It seems so small, I almost feel stupid -” 

“No. Don’t feel stupid. I’ll go talk to him.” 

You nod, accepting the kiss pressed to your cheek. 

He leaves the door open behind him, and you go to the bathroom to wash your face and get ready for bed yourself, even though it's two hours earlier than normal - you’re exhausted. Aaron’s voice murmurs down the hall, with some interjections by Jack here and there. Two pairs of feet travel to the hall bath before Aaron trots in to grab his toothbrush with another quick kiss to your temple. 

You listen as they brush their teeth together in the hall and return to Jack’s room. After a long time sitting on the edge of the bathtub, you slip into bed and close your eyes. 

Sleep doesn’t come. 

Aaron returns and flips the light switch, bathing the room in a blue-tinted darkness. You’ve calmed down significantly since he left, but you’d be lying if you said you felt any better. 

He tucks up behind you, flush to your back from back to calf, and wraps an arm around you. “Hi.”

You hum a little by way of greeting. 

“Jack and I are gonna have a little day tomorrow, just us. I think the transition is a lot for him and having you here with us isn’t as easy as he expected.” 

You nod. “That’s fine.” 

He presses a kiss to the back of your neck. “I’m sorry he lashed out at you today, honey. He loves you so much.” 

“I know.” You sniff. “He’s just little and he lost his mom and it’s a lot after just having you and Jess around for so long and you were just gone for a long time and...” 

“Yeah,” Aaron says, nearly at a whisper. “The changes probably snuck up on him and I was a little hard on him this afternoon - his attitude, while badly-placed, isn’t a mystery.” 

“Right.” 

His lips travel in sweet kisses from behind your ear to your shoulder. “I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re here.” 

Your lower lip shakes as a fresh set of tears fall into your pillow. “I know. I love you too.”

Neither one of you sleep very well. 

+++

Jack’s still standoffish in the morning, but you let it roll off you as best you can. Aaron has a whole day planned - a Saturday, just for the boys - and has been a little conservative with the affection in front of Jack. 

Maybe cooling it off is a good idea...

You’re not sure what you’ll do today. 

The office, maybe? 

Today is full of maybes. 

Aaron offers you a soft smile as he pulls the front door closed behind him. 

+++

You do end up going into the office for a couple of hours, clearing your emails, and getting ahead on consults. You slip any relevant paperwork under Aaron’s door and head home, tapping your fingers restlessly on the steering wheel. 

At this point, Aaron and Jack should be home by now, just like you’d planned. The last thing you wanted to do was wait around for them all day, but you missed them. 

You only hoped Jack missed you, too. 

When you step into the house, you find Aaron at the table working on his computer. 

“Hi, sweetheart.” 

You smile at him, hanging your coat. “Hey, love. I went to the office for a little while to catch up on some stuff.” 

“You’re ahead at work.” 

You wave him off. He’s right, but there was always something to do. “How long have you two been home?”

He checks his watch. “Just over a half-hour, so not too long.” 

There’s an unspoken question and Aaron tilts his head toward the hall. “He’s in his room. He wants to talk to you.” 

With a breath, you cross the room and pad down the hallway, knocking twice on Jack’s door frame. He’s playing with the same LEGOs he had last night, but they’re significantly farther along in construction. “Hey, bud.” 

“Hi.”

“Can I come sit with you? Your dad told me you wanted to talk.”

He nods and clears space for you on the floor. You sit cross-legged beside him, waiting him out. 

He assembles LEGOs for a little while, quiet. When he reaches a decent stopping point, he turns toward you. 

Listen. Count to ten. 

Listen. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t nice yesterday,” he says, quiet. “I was mad about the Wii and I missed my mom and I got really frustrated.” 

I miss her too, bud. 

Taking the chance that he’s finished after a moment of silence, you reach a hand out. He puts his little hand in yours and you offer him a small smile. “Thank you for your apology, Jack. I really appreciate it, and I forgive you. I’m sorry if I overstepped or if you felt like I was bossing you around. I didn’t mean to do that.” 

He shakes his head. “You weren’t.” 

“Good.” You sigh, looking up at one of the photos of Haley on his short bookshelf. “And buddy, I’m not here to replace your mom. I’m here because I love you and I love your dad, and that always comes first to me, okay?”

He nods. “Yeah. That’s what Dad said.” 

Of course he did. 

“And,” you continue, “I totally understand if it’s a lot to have me around all the time. It’s really different and I know it can be weird sometimes.”

He nods. “Thanks.” 

“Just tell me, okay?” You brush some hair off his forehead while he continues to work. 

He needs a haircut. 

“I will.” 

You press a kiss to the side of his head. “Thank you, baby. I appreciate it.” 

He smiles a little, and you take your leave. 

tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @hurricanejjareau @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @good-heavens-chris-evans @davidrossi-ismydad @angelsbabey @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @hotchsflower @ogmilkis @marvels-agents100 @hotchslatte @risenfox @mrs-dr-reid @captain-christopher-pike @dwellingsofrosie @pan-pride-12 @sunshine-em @word-scribbless @jdougl-love @sageellsworth05 @dreila03 @forgottenword @aaronhotchnerr @ssa-morgan @buckybau @sana-li @tegggeeee @abschaffer2 @ssacandice-ray @ellyhotchner @lotties-journey-abroad @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25 @laneygthememequeen @violentvulgarvolatile  @mooneylupinblack @ssareidbby @violet-amxthyst @bwbatta @roses-and-grasses @lcvischmitt @capricorngf @missdowntonabbey @averyhotchner @mandylove1000 @cevanswhre @qvid-pro-qvo @jeor @spencers-hoodrat @infinity1321 @zizzlekwum @popped-weasels @evee87 @nuvoleincielo @this-broken-band-girl @reidtomestyles @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @winqhster @arthurmorrgans @the-falling-in-the-danger @nattylite49 @crazyshannonigans @softbibxtch @iconicc @mangoberry43 @andreasworlsboring101 @kerrswriting @mac99martin @itsalwaysb33nyou @baumarvel @kerrswriting @messyhairday-me

[teamhappyme]

my love will find you

aaron hotchner x female!reader

word count: 1.9k

a/n: another hurt/comfort fic because i’m incapable of righting pure fluff. this was inspired by the incredibly sad but beautiful children’s book ‘wherever you are, my love will find you’ by nancy tillman. i have quoted some parts of the book, and those are the quotes in italics. i first read this book to the toddlers i work with two weeks after my bestfriend, my grandmother died a few years ago. it brought me to tears, and is truly one of my favorite children’s books. 

warnings: discussions of miscarriage, nothing graphic

****

You gently knocked on Jack’s door after seeing the light peek through the space where the door met the floor. It was nearing ten o’clock, the ten year old should be in bed by now. 

Once you heard the quiet ‘come in’, you opened the door to find him tucked in, little lamp on with a few books on his bed. 

“It’s getting late, bud. Why don’t you wrap up your last book for the night.” He nodded, closing the book in his hand. Sitting on the edge of his bed, you recognized the cover, and felt your heart drop in your chest. 

“Is anything bothering you, honey?” He let out a sigh, and he reminded you so much of Aaron in that moment. Usually, you loved to see the resemblance in your husband and son. But this big sigh was too much for the little boy to go through.

“My art teacher had us make mother’s day cards at school today. All of my friends just stood up and grabbed a piece of paper, but I kind of froze for a second.” You would do anything to bring back Haley, to put this little boy out of the pain he’s gone through at such a young age. “I asked my teacher if I could make three. They were supposed to be a surprise, but I made one for mom, you, and aunt Jess.” 

You couldn’t help the small smile on your face. He was such a sweet boy. He was the reason you and Aaron talked about having a baby of your own. Give Jack a sibling, maybe spread some more love in this family. 

“I’m just missing my mom a lot today, that’s all. And this book makes me feel a little better about it.”

You took the book from his hands, tracing your fingers down the front cover. 

“You know, I’m the one that gave you this book. When my nana died, this book really helped me stay connected to her. I’m glad it does the same for you too.” A smile crept across your face, and you stood up from his bed. “I know you may be a little too old for this, but would you mind if I read this to you? I’m feeling a little sad tonight too, and I think this book could make me feel better.”

He smiled, and scooched closer to the wall to give you some space in his bed. “What are you sad about y/n/n?” You shook your head, not wanting to hurt the little boy any more than he already was. 

“I’m just missing daddy. But he’ll be home tomorrow.” You turned to the first page, getting ready to read the short little book.

“I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go.”

It had been a while since you read this to Jack, and you were already starting to tear up. 

“It never gets lost, never fades, never ends… paint til you’re blue… there’s no place, not one, where my love can’t find you.”

You wanted Aaron to be here, needed Aaron to be here. Especially today.

“And if someday you’re lonely, or someday you’re sad, or you strike out at baseball, or think you’ve been bad… just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That’s me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.”

Your hand rested on your stomach, that was full of new life just a few weeks ago. 

“If you’re still my small babe or you’re all the way grown, my promise to you is you’re never alone.”

As you flipped to the last page, you quickly wiped away the tears in your eyes. You just have to be strong for another few minutes.

“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you wherever you are.”

It was an incredibly sad children’s book, but it was really for the parents more than the kids. 

“Okay honey, do you feel a little better now? Do you want to read another book?” He shook his head.

“I’m okay now. I think I’ll just talk to mom for a minute, then go to sleep.” He turned his lantern on, it was what he used to talk to Haley when an adult wasn’t around with the special candle. “Thank you for reading to me, y/n/n.”

You smiled. “Anytime, Jack. Goodnight, I love you.” You leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“Love you too. ‘Night.”

You quietly closed his door and headed down the hall to your own bedroom. Once secure in your own closed room, you let your tears fall free. 

It had been a long forty eight hours without Aaron. The team got called on a case in the middle of the night, but you were left behind due to your twelve week scan with your ob/gyn. You assured Aaron you would be okay on your own. 

But you couldn’t have known what was going to be on that scan. Or, rather, what was missing. 

It was strange to think that only eight hours ago you were still thinking of your baby. How you were going to tell everyone, tell Jack, start thinking of baby names. You should’ve known better than to get so excited so fast.

You don’t know how long you were staring at your laptop screen for, but when you heard the front door open, your heart dropped again. 

You’d left a message when you couldn’t get a hold of him, figuring he was on the jet or wrapping up with the local PD. But it was cryptic, you couldn’t tell him in a voicemail. 

Once he came into the bedroom, you stood up, meeting his gaze. His tie was already off, undershirt poking through from his slightly unbuttoned dress shirt. He was stressed out. And it didn’t take a genius to know why.

“Hi, how was the case?” He kicked his shoes off, slightly shaking his head before giving you a quick kiss. 

“It was just another case. I, I got your message. Is everything alright?”

Just rip off the bandaid, y/n. Quick, as quick as they told you.

You stood in front of him, your husband, holding onto the news that would ruin your future in one second. Wringing your hands together, your eyes began to water again. God, why couldn’t he just have been there with you.

“I lost the baby, Aaron.”

He stopped his miniscule movements, his eyes falling open the slightest bit. Only you ever noticed the change in his eyes. 

“They said it was probably right after the eight week scan, that I lost them. It wasn’t anything I did, they say it just… happens.” A tear fell down your face, and you moved to wipe it away. “I’m sorry, I should’ve called you right away.”

“Honey,” He walked over to me, holding my hands in his own. He opened his mouth a few times, trying to form a sentence with all the emotions running through his head. But he couldn’t. You couldn’t either when they first told you. Instead, you saw tears form in his eyes, as he choked back a sob. “Sorry,” He started, trying to be strong for you. 

But you wouldn’t let him bury this. Not this pain. You wrapped your arms around his waist, and he buried his head in your shoulder. Your tears were staining his shirt, and you could hear him sniffle every few seconds. But you started to feel whole again with his arms wrapped around you.

He lifted his head after a minute, pressing a kiss to your head before tucking you under his chin. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you. You shouldn’t have had to be there alone.”

“It’s not your fault. We couldn’t have known.” Your eyes welled with tears again, and you held on tighter to your husband. “I know it was only a few months, but I really loved them Aaron.”

“I know, I do too.” You untangled yourself from him, wanting to see his face as you talked through another incredible loss in his life. 

“They scheduled me for a d&c on monday, just to be sure everything is cleared out.” They had to make everything sound so clinical. As if this wasn’t a human, your human growing inside of you. “You’ll come with me, right?” 

“Of course.” He noticed you wringing your hands again, fighting back the next wave of tears washing over you. “Y/n, talk to me.”

You sat at the end of your bed, resting your head in your hands, letting the tears slowly, evenly escape your eyes. 

“My whole life, all I’ve wanted was to be a mom. I wanted to have babies running around my house, their toys filling up every room you walk in. It was the one thing I was always sure about. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited that my dream was coming true. That we could expand our family, we could give Jack a sibling. But now,” You lifted your head, Aaron leaning against the dresser. “I just can’t help but think this was a sign. That I’m not meant to have my own baby.”

He immediately pushed off the dresser, moving to kneel in front of you. “Y/n,”

You shook your head, wanting to finish before he started. “I love our life, Aaron. I was devastated this afternoon. I was crying in the parking lot of the doctor’s office for thirty minutes, before I went to pick up Jack. But once I saw him, I felt better.” You reached out to hold one of his hands. “He told me today that he made a mother’s day card for Haley, Jess, and me. We talked about Haley, and how he misses her. And then we read the book I gave him after she died,”

“Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You,” He interrupted you, and you smiled. The book seemed to have a lasting effect on everyone in the Hotchner house.

“Aaron, I love being another mom to Jack. I love being your wife, I love my relationship with Jess, I loved our baby, and I love where we are right now.” You brought his hand to your lips, lightly kissing his knuckles before you finished. “Maybe I’m not meant to have my own baby. But I love our son, and our family. And once we grieve the one we almost got, that’s all I want to focus on. At least for right now.”

Once you finished, and he soaked in your words, he gave you a true Aaron Hotchner smile, dimples and all. A stray tear fell down his face, and you quickly moved to brush it away.

“I love you so much, you know that right?”

You smiled in return. “I love you too.”

He leaned in to kiss you, soft and slow. A few stray tears mixed together between the two of you, emotions all over the place right now. But it was going to be okay with Aaron by your side.

You slowly pulled away, giving him one final kiss before he wrapped his arms around your waist. 

“We’ll get through this together.” You nodded, resting your forehead against his. “Allways.”

****

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 31

AO3

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 30

Next Chapter: Chapter 32

Warning: this is a heavier chapter, dealing with some self decrepetating thoughts, not suicidal thoughts but somewhat similar

‘And what do you have to offer?’ the thief asked.

Part of Alastair still couldn’t quite believe he’d done it. He’d summoned the thief of souls and could make a deal with him. Alastair wasn’t like Benedict or Tatiana, he wouldn’t kill another person, not even for Thomas. But he still had plenty to offer.

‘Myself,’ Alastair said. ‘In exchange for the life of Thomas Lightwood. He’ll live, and you can take me instead.’

‘Not much faith in your friends, I see,’ the thief said. ‘Not even in that little witch? I must admit I had not expected her, I do tend to lose track of my children, I thought Tessa had died. I had no idea Tessa had a daughter who’d inherited her gifts.’

They should have succeeded already, and if they hadn’t that meant Thomas was about to die. Realistically, there was no reason to have faith, which meant now was the time for more drastic measures. With Cordelia probably dead and Thomas soon to follow, what was there for him anyway? At least Thomas still had his family. Thomas could love again.

‘They have failed. So now it is up to me. My soul, in exchange for Thomas.’

The thief laughed. It was an odd sort of laugh, not quite like the evil laughter you saw in movies but unsettling still. ‘And why would I take such a deal?’

‘You know about my memory,’ Alastair said evenly.

‘Ah, yes. I admit you would make an interesting addition. A broken soul with a magic memory. I’ve never heard of such a power before. Thomas’ sight makes him valuable, of course, but I might not find a soul quite like yours ever again. It is a tempting offer.’

A broken soul with a magic memory. He guessed that was what he was. Too broken, perhaps, to be happy. He’d thought with Thomas he could find another way. But if Thomas died, what would be the point? It would be a blow from which he could never recover.

He wished it didn’t have to come to this, he wished the two of them could have a future together. But some things just weren’t meant to be and if either of them should get to live, it was Thomas.

‘Precisely,’ Alastair said. ‘It is a good trade, isn’t it? I don’t ask for power, or magic, or anything. All I want is that Thomas recovers and lives.’

The thief eyed him curiously. ‘You’d sacrifice yourself for him. Why?’

‘Because I love him. Because as you said, I am a broken soul,’ Alastair said. ‘I have no interest in living in a world where I couldn’t save him. So instead I’m here, offering myself.’

The thief put up an arm, gesturing as he spoke. ‘You could easily offer another. There are all kinds of souls I am interested in.’

‘I would not become a murderer for him. My own soul is what I have to offer. Nothing else.’

The thief seemed confused by his statement. How many would make the same choice, he wondered. It couldn’t be that uncommon, to love another enough to be willing to make such a trade, right? Whereas only the worst of people would kill to get what they want.

‘Alright,’ the thief said. ‘Amuse me. I will take your soul to my world, separated from your body but not quite dead. From there you have two options. You can find your way out of my realm. Your soul will be reunited with your body as long as it still lives, the deal will be off and Thomas is mine to claim.’

A way out, that was good, he guessed. If Cordelia and Lucie miraculously succeeded, they might still save him if his body was not yet dead. It would be up to them now. Perhaps there was still hope. Realistically, Alastair knew Thomas was not literally all he had, and that there were still a few people who would miss him. He also knew there was no way he’d survive without him. He was already so broken, Thomas’ death would be more than he could take. How had Lucie survived after losing Jesse? She’d been so young. Alastair remembered Cordelia would spend days, weeks, months with her, comforting her friend. He knew Cordelia would do the same for him. He knew it wouldn’t be enough, if she was even alive. Alastair had to face the truth, she probably wasn’t.

‘But if you wish to save your love, you must find him in my realm. His body is here, alive, but most of his soul is with me already, enough for him to have formed here. That’s why you cannot wake him. If you kiss his soul on the lips, he’ll be saved and you will die.

And if you fail at both, if after twenty four hours you have not found your love and still reside in my realm, you are both mine and will both die.’

It was a risk. Alastair had seen the thief’s realm in Barbara’s memory, it might not be easy to find Thomas. But he would be able to find his way around there, and he had some ideas of where Thomas might go. It was worth a try.

‘I accept to your terms,’ Alastair said.

‘Good. Now, sealing the deal requires another kiss.’

Alastair made face. ‘You mean you want me to kiss you?’

The thief laughed. The sound chilled him to the bone. ‘No. I mean your twenty four hours will start once you kiss your Thomas. You have until midnight, if you do not kiss him before then the deal is off. I suggest you make your peace, write a note to your family. After all, you won’t ever see them again.’

Alastair felt a heavy weight settle in his stomach. The thief was right. He would never see Cordelia again. Never meet the baby, never make his peace, he would never recover from everything he’d been through. This was it, this was where he would die. For Thomas, it was worth it, but Alastair wished it could be different.

He quickly wrote a note for Cordelia, in case she was still alive and would find him. No, he couldn’t let himself think that. Cordelia couldn’t be dead. His mother should have at least one child alive, one of them should get to go home to her and meet the baby and live. Someone would read the note, if not Cordelia herself. He left the note outside near the circle, kept in place underneath a rock, and then he wrote another note. This one for Thomas, who would wake up within the next twenty four hours and find Alastair dead. Alastair gently put it under Thomas’ pillow, and then sat down on the bed next to him. He knew Thomas was far away and couldn’t hear him, but Alastair spoke to him anyway.

‘I’m so sorry, Tom,’ Alastair said. ‘But there’s only one way to save you now. And I will. I promised I won’t let you die, and it’s a promise I intend to keep. You’ll survive, and I know it’ll be hard at first. I know losing me is like nothing you ever experienced, I know you’ll miss me and I’m sorry I have to put you through that. But you’ll find happiness again, I’m sure of it. You’ll heal, and you’ll go on with your life and when the time is right you’ll find another man, someone who can love you better than I ever could. Please don’t hold back for my sake. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I really should have known this was the best I could do for you.’

Alastair was crying, and he desperately tried to wipe the tears from his eyes. He wanted so badly to be with Thomas, to have him here alive and well, and give him everything he could. He wanted to go to museums with him and he wanted Thomas to meet his family, and eventually the baby. He’d envisioned a future for them, something that could never be.

Alastair gently stroke Thomas’ cheek. Part of him wanted to lie down here, crawl into Thomas’ arms before kissing him. It would be cruel, to let Thomas wake up next to his dead body, but as per the thief’s term, there was no other way, he’d die right here in this room. But perhaps Thomas would want to hold him as he died. It was the way Alastair wanted to go, that he was sure of. He’d gone so long without receiving the affection he craved, if he died he wished to at least be in Thomas’ arms.

It felt wrong, to kiss him without asking, but it was the only way to save his life. In the end, Alastair settled beside Thomas, holding his hand. He knew it was selfish to want to die close to Thomas, their hands intertwined. He leaned over and quickly kissed Thomas on the lips. It felt like falling, falling into the nothing until he awoke in the dark realm of the thief of souls.

***

Cordelia didn’t know what to do anymore. Her brother was still breathing, he had a pulse but both were so weak. He was in a deep sleep and no one could wake either of them up. In Thomas’ case, she understood it was because of what Tatiana was doing. He would die tonight, if Tatiana succeeded. Cordelia didn’t quite understand why she hadn’t before. Unless Alastair had interfered somehow. Was that even possible?

‘What have you done, Alastair joon?’ she asked him, tears in her eyes.

‘They’re still not awake, are they?’

Cordelia didn’t recognize the girl who entered the room. She looked Indian, she guessed, Cordelia didn’t think she was related to the Lightwoods.

‘I’m Kamala,’ she said. ‘Genie asked me if I could try to heal them.’

‘Genie?’ Cordelia asked, a little confused with what was going on.

‘Thomas’ sister Eugenia. We arrived last afternoon. Your brother was still awake back then. Can I try if there’s anything I can do? I admit it’s unlikely, but the least I could do is try. My gift is minor, you see, I mainly heal injuries. I doubt I’ll wake him up.’

‘No, go ahead,’ Cordelia said. ‘It’s worth a shot.’

Kamala touched Alastair’s cheek first, holding her hand there for a while. Then Thomas’.

‘His pulse picked up,’ Kamala said. ‘Thomas is the same, Alastair seems a little improved? But still in coma, so it’s probably not helpful. I’m sorry.’

Cordelia nodded. Kamala had done the best she could. None of them understood what had happened to Alastair. Kamala walked out, but Cordelia remained in the room, holding Alastair’s free hand. Perhaps Jem would know what was wrong with him, she thought, as she saw her cousin walk in.

‘Cordelia, Lucie found something you should see,’ he said in a calm but pained tone.

Cordelia knew whatever Lucie had found, it wasn’t good news. She sat down as Lucie handed her a note, holding her hand. ‘I didn’t read it,’ Lucie promised. ‘But I found it outside, hidden underneath a stone, in a drawn circle…’

‘Alastair, what did you do?’ she whispered.

Cordelia opened the letter, hoping she would find something reassuring there. Hoping it said Alastair was going to be alright and would just be sleeping for a little while. Foolish, she knew, but hope played wicked games with the mind.

Dear Cordelia,

I know while I’m writing this you’re probably already dead. But still I write, because even with a minor chance that you’re alive, I wanted to explain to you what happened. And I thought, maybe your ghost would visit, and wish to read my last words. Either way, there are some things I wanted you to know.

It has been too long since I heard from you, and if you’re still alive I know you have not succeeded in stopping Tatiana. That means Thomas would die at midnight, unless someone else intervened. So I did.

I summoned the thief of souls. I know what you’re going to say, but I firmly believe it was the right choice. He offered me a deal, I can go into his realm as a soul, and search for Thomas. If I escape his realm, I survive and Thomas dies, but if I find and kiss Thomas within the timeframe he has given me, I will take his place and die and Thomas will live. There’s a chance that I fail and we both die, but I’m trying not to think about that. I won’t fail Thomas, I will find him. Perhaps, if you and Lucie kill the thief before our agreement is fulfilled, we can both survive. I am not counting on it. But if you see this, hurry and you might still save me.

I am sorry to leave you alone, assuming of course you will ever see this letter. I want you to know this is not what I wanted. I know you worry about me hurting myself, but I assure you I did not make this choice because I wanted to end my life. Rather, I wanted Thomas to live, and this is the best I can do for him. I know it will hurt him to lose me, but I’m afraid there is no other way now.

I wanted you to know, that I do love you. For years, you were my reason to live. I know I haven’t always been the best brother to you, and for that I am sorry. I still find it difficult to tell you how I feel, even in a letter you may very well never read. But you must know that without you, I likely would not have survived until now and for that I am grateful. What would be the point?

I love you, Layla, and I’m begging you to live. I know losing me will be hard, but maman and the baby will need you. I love them both very much, please tell them that, alright?

Love

Alastair

Cordelia read the letter a second time, a third, to try and find a hint that it wasn’t real, that Alastair could wake up any moment now. Then she burst into tears. Alastair had sacrificed himself for Thomas, given his life. He’d been under the impression that she was dead, even if he’d still written this letter just in case she’d make it back.

He was going to die. Unless Cordelia saved him before his deal ended. She put her hand on her necklace. With cortana, she would slay the thief of souls. She would not allow him to take her brother away from her. He should get to go home, he should get to meet the baby. He claimed it wasn’t what he wanted, and Cordelia believed this wasn’t a suicide attempt, but it wasn’t the choice a healthy person would make, was it?

It frightened her to know Alastair would trade away his life, his soul, for Thomas. She knew he would do the same for her, but Cordelia would never want that. She was fairly certain Thomas didn’t either.

Cordelia found a clean paper tissue somewhere and dried her tears. She would find him. She and Lucie would go into the realm of the thief of souls, kill the thief and bring back Alastair and Thomas. She would destroy him for taking her brother.

She understood now why Jesse had not come to life last night, why Thomas still lived. For what it was worth, Alastair’s sacrifice had saved Thomas, at least for another day. From the contents of Alastair’s letter, she presumed both their souls were in his realm while there bodies lived. That’s why they couldn’t wake up.

She returned to the living room of the cottage, which had become entirely too crowded.

Gideon had returned, his arm encased in a cast. Kamala was next to him, touching his arm, a concentrated look on her face. Cordelia realized she must be trying to heal him, or at least speed up the process. Gideon looked exhausted.

Thomas’ sisters were beside him and the oldest turned her attention to Cordelia. ‘My mother told me what you can do. Is there anything left we can do to save Tommy?’

‘I think so,’ Cordelia said. She would have to explain then, what Alastair had done. What she and Lucie would have to do. ‘Alastair has made a deal with the thief of souls. Something that presumably saved Thomas last night. He traded away his own soul, and had twenty four hours to find Thomas in the land of the thief of souls and wake him. If he fails, they’ll both die. But there’s another option, which is that Lucie and I enter this realm and kill the thief of souls before the deal is done. Alastair and Thomas are both still alive for now. I think taking back their souls will save them. But we don’t have much time. Lucie and I have to go.’

***

Alastair appeared in a palace. It wasn’t the same as the ruins in the woods. Admittedly, this one was more to his taste. It was built in an ancient Greece inspired style. Pillars decorated with ionic curls, and an open garden in the middle of the house.

‘Do you like it?’ a man asked.

He didn’t look like the thief as he’d appeared in his circle, but from his voice Alastair recognized him. A shapeshifter, of course he was. That’s why Tessa had inherited that power from him.

‘This will be your home after all,’ the thief continued, shifting in yet another form, a handsome brown haired young man wearing a roman style toga. ‘It doesn’t have to be so bad, you know. I know it looks rather horrifying out there. So many lost, hopeless souls. Many of them have their use and give me power, but are not particularly useful people. Some are pretty enough to look at and get to work around me. Only a few are like you. That memory ability is why I wanted you, of course, but you’re clever and cunning. I know you think the way I do. If you do well, you could even become my second in command.’

Alastair didn’t think he had any interest in being a personal assistant or even second in command to the thief. But if Lucie and Cordelia failed, if they were already dead or failed to slay the thief, Alastair would do it. He could be patient, he could be clever. He could get close enough to the thief to destroy him. He didn’t care how long it would take.

‘You will be summoned back here once you free your love,’ the thief said. ‘Permanently dead, that is. You may still feel a sliver of a connection to your body for now, feel free to ignore that. It will be gone soon enough. Good luck, Alastair Carstairs, for my realm is vast and Thomas Lightwood is free to dwell wherever he wishes. Or perhaps it’s best to leave him be for now. Why save him, when you can keep him here with you forever? If you proof to be a good assistant, you could keep him here with you in the palace. You could be together, forever. Or you could set him free and never see him again. Your choice.’

‘I will find him,’ Alastair said, turning his back on the thief and the palace and entering the vast woods.

It looked a bit different here from where he’d previously entered, the forest was dense and mostly consisted of pine trees. He couldn’t say he understood exactly how this realm was layered over the realm world, Alastair suspected it was smaller, and consisted mostly of forest where the souls wandered.

He thought of the comment the thief had made, and Alastair hated to admit he pictured what it would be like in his head. Stay there with Thomas. It would not be much, not until they destroyed the thief together, but it could be something, and they would be together. But Alastair would not do such a thing. He’d come here to save Thomas’ life, and he would. Even if it meant they would never see each other again.

He wondered if he should explain it all to Thomas, and let him choose what he wanted. Perhaps he’d urge Alastair to find the exit, and help him go home. Perhaps he’d choose to stay together. But Thomas was young and in love and he would make the wrong choice. If he stayed with Alastair, he would never see his parents or sisters again, he would lose everything. If he left, he’d only lose Alastair, and in time he’d realize Alastair had not been his life after all, and he could love another. It was selfish to wish for them to stay together, and Alastair refused to be that selfish. Thomas would live, it was the only possible outcome.

***

Thomas wasn’t so sure who he was anymore. He knew his name. Thomas Gabriel Lightwood. He repeated it to himself. Thomas Gabriel Lightwood, that was his name. He was fairly certain Gabriel came from his uncle, although he could not remember who this man was, could not picture his face in his head. He had parents, that he could be sure of.

Thomas wandered aimlessly through a pine forest. Where was he, anyway? What was this place? He felt like he should know, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. It was frustrating. There were more people around here, and Thomas decided to ask a woman.

‘Who are you?’ he asked.

The woman stared at him blankly, then turned around and walked away. That wasn’t helpful. He tried with a few more souls. Some gave him a name, others walked away. Some even pretended they did not hear him at all. Perhaps they really didn’t.

Thomas closed his eyes. There had to be someone he remembered. Deep in his memories he found a man in his forties. Green eyes. Light brown hair, or was it dark blonde? The doubt about the hair color sparked a memory.

‘Dad has blonde hair,’ a round faced girl of about eight or nine years old said.

A smaller girl disagreed. ‘No, it’s brown. Are you blind? It’s clearly brown.’

The two girls resembled each other. Both had brown hair, darker than the father they were discussing, who sat on the couch with them, laughing at the argument his daughters were having. Thomas had been very small then, nothing like he was now. He’d walked to the couch and pulled at the man’s leg. His father, he realized. He had a father and two sisters.

His father picked him up and Thomas crawled into his lap. He was fairly sure his hair was brown, just a few shades lighter than Thomas’ own brown hair. His father put his hand against Thomas’ small forehead.

‘You’re burning up, Tommy. I think you have a fever again.’

‘Don’t wanna go back to bed,’ Thomas protested. ‘Not tired.’

Even at this young age of three, he’d learned that when he had a fever, he would have to go to bed and rest. But Thomas didn’t want to rest, he wanted to play with his new airplane toy.

‘Sophie, can you get the thermometer?’ his father asked.

A little later, he saw his mother, the familiar scar on her cheek comforting.

‘Hold still, Tom,’ she said as she put the thermometer in his ear.

He struggled against the grip, but his father held him until his mother was done taking his temperature.

‘You’ve got a fever again,’ his mother said. ‘I’ll call the doctor. A child shouldn’t be ill this frequent, right?’

‘Don’t wanna go to the doctor,’ Thomas protested.

‘You’re going to be alright, Tommy,’ his father said gently. ‘Your mother and I will come with you, there’s no need to be scared. We will always be there for you.’

Thomas realized the memory had been years ago, when he was about three or four. He had parents who loved him very much. Two sisters who were protective of him. He had a family he needed to return to, but Thomas had no idea where they were or how to find them.

He remembered someone else. A girl with brown hair and blue eyes who was excitedly telling him about this new book series she’d started. It was a about a land with witches where people had all sorts of powers called witcheries. The main character could discern lies from truth and was sought after because she was the only one who could and fleeing from an arranged marriage to an emperor. Her best friend was a threadwitch and she was this girl’s favorite. Although her powers were not quite the same as the other threadwitches. Thomas could not quite remember what the differences were. Then there was a windwitch prince from a small, starving kingdom who’d agreed to help the two girls, and a bloodwitch who hunted them. The girl was a writer herself, Thomas realized, and she was a dear friend. He’d ended up reading the series she’d recommended, and then had to wait for a long time for the next book.

Then he remembered a boy with a deep golden brown skin and dark eyes and hair. Thomas couldn’t quite tell who he was, but he had to be the most beautiful man Thomas had ever seen. He’d been angry and bitter once, Thomas remembered, although he wasn’t sure why. Then he’d been tired and sad. Lately, he’d been happy too though, at least sometimes. Thomas secretly hoped he had something to do with that. He felt this boy was important to him, and he needed to make sure he was alright. He couldn’t do that from here.

Trying to orientate himself, Thomas kept walking. He needed to find people he remembered. He needed to find his mother and father, who undoubtedly worried for him. He needed to find his sisters, because even if they would stuff him back in bed and shove a thermometer into his ear, Thomas remembered he loved them. He needed to find the girl with the blue eyes, because Thomas knew she was his friend, even if he didn’t remembered her beyond that. And he needed to find that dark haired boy, who wasn’t alright, and might never be. But Thomas would be there, to help him through it, to help him find happiness. He needed to go home. The memories, he hoped, would follow.

[bestillmyslashyheart]

4am

the whole thing is here but its over 18k so if you would prefer to read it on ao3 i understand

It’s widely understood that when Michael Guerin has a problem he drowns it in bourbon and anonymous sex. Occasionally he might complain to Isobel Evans about it or maybe even Max Evans but mostly, his problems end up on the floor of the Wild Pony, one way or another.

Alex Manes, on the other hand, doesn’t have problems. Or if he does, he doesn’t talk about it. Everyone knows that nobody bottles up their issues quite like Alex.

What nobody understands is that no one can ignore their problems forever. Everyone needs a release. Sometimes, that release comes in alcohol, sometimes in hitting something or someone and letting them hit you in return, sometimes even in the bliss of a stranger’s company. And sometimes it comes in the form of a late night phone call and quiet secrets and shared traumas. 

No one understands and that’s exactly the way they like it.

---

He’d turned the ringer up loud earlier in the day to make sure he didn’t miss a phone call or a text and Alex was sorely regretting that now.

The sharp ring woke him from a light sleep and Alex snatched the phone off the bedside table and answered the call before it could wake anyone else up. He didn’t even have time to look at the Caller ID.

“Hello?”

Heavy breathing on the other end was his only answer. Alex twisted his wrist to check the time. 3:12am

“I can’t hold a guitar.” Alex collapsed in on himself at the husky voice. It sounded like the other man had been crying. Or maybe screaming.

“Guerin?” He let out a breath. “Are you okay?” He hadn’t seen Michael since his father had dragged him out of the shed the previous afternoon. By the time Alex could sneak back out there, the place was empty and all of Michael’s things were gone. “That’s a stupid question. Did you go to the hospital?”

“No insurance.”

“You’re a minor, the state should cover you,” Alex told him with absolutely no knowledge whatsoever if what he was saying was actually true. If Michael believed it at least he might go see a doctor and worry about the bills later. 

Michael laughed. It was a harsh, broken thing and he stopped suddenly after a few seconds. “And when they ask me what happened? Am I supposed to tell them the resident war hero smashed it with his hammer because he caught me with his son?”

Alex closed his eyes. He hadn’t thought of that. He’d just wanted Michael to be okay. “Guerin-”

“I tried to pick up my guitar,” Michael cut him off. “I can’t even fucking hold it. My hand won’t- it won’t grip.” Alex felt tears sting the back of his eyelids. “I can’t play Alex.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex choked out.

“Don’t,” Michael replied forcefully. “It’s not your fault. It’s not.”

“He’s my dad.”

“He’s a monster. Doesn’t make it your fault.”

Alex pulled his knees up to his chin and pressed his forehead to his leg. His phone creaked from how tightly he was squeezing it. He didn’t know what to say.

Michael was silent on the other end of the line. If it hadn’t been for his harsh breaths, Alex might have thought he’d hung up.

“Rosa’s dead,” Alex said suddenly. He hadn’t meant to say it but the words were on the tip of his tongue. Michael was quiet. “She- she’s dead. How- god, Michael, Liz called this morning and I couldn’t even process it. I hadn’t heard from you since my dad- and I just wanted to know you were okay and I couldn’t process that my friend is- she’s gone, Guerin.” Alex lost the battle against the tears, one he hadn’t realized he’d been fighting for hours now, and they streamed hot and heavy down his face. They burned on his cheeks but he made no moves to brush them away. There was no one here to see them anyway.

“I’m sorry.” Michael sounded so earnest, like he truly meant it and wasn’t just saying that to be polite, it soothed something in him. Just a little.

“She was going to California,” Alex confessed. “We talked about me coming with her after graduation. Maybe go to LA. I could play music and we’d get a crappy little apartment and bug Liz and Maria to come visit us.” Alex sniffed. “We were supposed to leave. Leave and be happy. Away from here.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael said again. It was quiet for a while. “You can still leave, Alex. You can go to California and make music. You don’t have to stay here, not with him.”

“What about you?” Alex asked quietly.

Michael’s breath hitched. “What about me?”

“Would you want to make music?” He couldn’t quite bring himself to ask him to come with him if he left, not yet. It was too soon.

Michael huffed. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. Did.” He let out a pained groan and hissed curse. Alex got the idea that he might have tried to move his hand. “You know, I always kind of thought of starting a dad band? Find someone to make music with, have a couple of kids, jam out in the garage instead of doing homework kind of thing.” And now he can’t even hold a guitar. Because of Alex and his dad. 

Alex swallowed around the lump in his throat. “That sounds pretty great,” he admitted quietly.

“Yeah?”

Neither of them pointed out that it was a lot less likely to happen now. “Yeah. You could pick up the triangle. Or maybe a cowbell.” 

“Hey now no need to be mean.” But Michael laughed. 

Alex smiled even though the tears hadn’t quite stopped. “You’d be great at it.”

“I’d be awesome. Don’t sell me short.”

“I could never,” Alex promised. The air sobered between them. “Michael. You’ll play again someday. I promise.”

Michael didn’t reply right away. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

The line went dead.

---

The phone hitting him in the face woke him long before the ringing would have. Michael jerked away from the impact, his eyes blinking open blearily.

“It’s for you,” the girl next to him muttered. “Shut it up.” Michael didn’t remember her name.

He grabbed the phone fully intending to turn it off when he saw the name flashing. He answered it just as it was going to voicemail. “Hold on,” he mumbled. Without waiting to hear a response, he rolled over the girl on his tiny bunk and fell to the floor with a crash. Cursing and rubbing his elbow, he grabbed his boxers from the floor and fled his new Airstream. “Alex?” Alex’s reply was lost when he dropped the phone trying to pull his boxers on.

“Shit,” he cursed, scrambling to grab it. “Alex?” 

“Guerin?” Alex almost sounded amused which was good. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Fine. You?” He pulled the phone away from his ear to check the time. 3:52am. “Shit, it’s late.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed. He didn’t say anything else.

Michael dropped heavily into one of his new lawn chairs. Well, it was new to him. What was that old saying? One man’s trash is another man’s treasure? “How’s Basic?”

The line was silent before Michael heard a whoosh of air as Alex exhaled loudly. “It’s shit.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “I could’ve told you that.”

“Don’t,” Alex said, not pleading or scolding, just simply. “Not right now.”

“Okay,” Michael agreed. He didn’t want Alex to hang up. It was the first time they’d spoken since Alex left and he didn’t know when or if Alex would call again. 

“They- fuck,” Michael heard a thud. “They have expectations.”

“Who?”

“Everyone!” Alex shifted. “They all know my dad. And the guy in charge here was an old buddy of my grandfather’s.” Michael didn’t know what to say. “They all expect me to be them. And I don’t- I don’t know if I know how not to be.”

“You’re not them, Alex,” Michael reminded him.

“I wasn’t,” Alex agreed. “Out there when I could dress how I wanted and act like I wanted and do what I wanted. But here? Here there’s no me, it’s just- it’s just the military and the way you have to act to be military and I see my dad and my grandfather and my brothers everywhere I look and I don’t want to be them, Guerin!”

“You’re not,” Michael assured him. “You’re not them and unless they do some serious brainwashing and maybe a personality transplant over there, you’re not going to be, okay? You’re Alex. Not Jesse, not Clay, or Flint, or Greg. You’re Alex.” 

Alex was quiet. “I don’t know what that means.”

“Where are you?”

“Basic training,” Alex replied immediately.

“Alex,” Michael groaned. It was like pulling teeth sometimes.

“Uh,” Alex hesitated. “In a supply closet in the communications building.”

Michael raised an eyebrow even if Alex couldn’t see it. “Why?”

“Because they lock up our phones except for pre-approved usage times.”

Michael double checked his phone but it definitely said Alex’s name. “You’re on your phone now.”

“Well yeah, I couldn’t remember your number so I broke in and stole it.” He said it like it was nothing.

“Alex,” Michael laughed.

“What?” Alex said defensively.

“Would anyone else in your family break into a military facility to steal their phone to make a middle of the night phone call to their-” Michael stopped short of labeling himself anything in relation to Alex. “No way,” he continued. “They wouldn’t dare.”

Alex hummed consideringly. Michael heard a loud noise on the other end. “Shit,” Alex hissed quietly. “There’s a patrol. I gotta go.”

The line went dead. Michael stared at his phone as the call ended and the screen went black. After a while he realized Alex wasn’t going to call back so he trudged back inside the trailer only to freeze at the sight of the naked girl in his bed. He’d completely forgotten about her and after talking to Alex the thought of getting back in bed next to her only made his skin crawl. He fished some sweats out of the closet and went back outside to sleep in his truck.

---

Michael’s hands were shaking as he listened to the phone ring. It had been a while since they’d spoken, longer since they’d seen each other in person, but there was only one person Michael could even think of calling.

The call connected to a loud burst of music and a shouted, “hold on!” Already, Michael’s hands were steadier.

He waited as the noises faded and the world quieted. “Guerin?” Alex asked, a little breathless.

“Hi,” he greeted, his voice smaller than he’d like.

Alex didn’t ask what was wrong or why he was calling. He just waited.

“I needed you to answer,” Michael confessed into the silence. “I needed- I don’t know. I just-”

There was a shout of, “Manes! You coming back?”, and Michael’s heart started to race until Alex replied. “I’m heading out! I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Oh come on, Manes, that guy was hot!” Michael closed his eyes.

Alex laughed. “Not hot enough.” There was a long pause as the world got quiet on Alex’s end. First the voices disappeared and then the music cut off with the loud slam of a heavy door. “Guerin?”

“Sorry for ruining your night.” It was after 3am and Michael had been fully prepared to wake Alex up. He wasn’t prepared to catch Alex out on a date.

“You didn’t,” Alex assured him. A car door opened and then closed. 

Michael didn’t know what to say. The more he thought about why he’d called, why he’d needed Alex to answer, the stupider he felt. But he also couldn’t hang up so he just sat there, phone pressed tight against his ear hoping Alex didn’t hang up.

Alex didn’t hang up. After a while he started humming under his breath. It was too faint for Michael to make out the song but it was a pleasant reminder that Alex was still there.

“I need to drive home,” Alex said after a while. “Do you mind if I put you on speaker?”

Michael should probably just end the call and let him drive but, “that’s fine.” A second later, Alex’s car turned on and his music started playing briefly before Alex turned it off and continued humming. Michael listened to the sounds of Alex driving and let it lull him half to sleep. He heard the engine shut off and the car door open and close followed by the house door open and close and still neither of them said a word.

Michael listened as Alex got changed for bed and he heard the quiet sigh as Alex slipped under the covers. “Late night.”

“Long week,” Alex countered. He started humming again.

“What is that?”

Alex hesitated. “It’s nothing. Just something I was playing around with the other day.”

“You’re writing?” Michael smiled. Alex had always wanted to write his own music. 

“Trying to. Sometimes.”

“I like it.”

“Thanks.”

The humming started again and this time Michael recognized it, realizing that Alex was humming the same part over and over again. He tried to join in. 

Alex let him for a few notes before he started laughing. “Hey!” Michael scolded half heartedly. “I’m not that bad.”

“Yeah you are,” Alex laughed.

“Hmph,” Michael grumbled. “Well compared to you everyone’s terrible.”

“You’re biased,” Alex accused lightly, his voice barely above a mumble.

“Yeah I am,” Michael agreed. “Night, Alex. Thanks for answering.”

“Always.”

---

Alex paced the parking lot, his phone in his hands. He kept turning it over and over, not pausing long enough to actual call anyone. 

He knew who he was going to call, that was never a question. This was how it went. He called, the other answered, they talked or didn’t talk depending on the night, and then they never spoke about it again. Middle of the night phone calls were sacred. No matter how long it had been or what had been last said in the daylight, if the phone rang in the middle of the night, it got answered. 

Which meant Alex had to wait. It was just past two in the morning now. By any rational person’s clock that was late. Hell, Alex was normally asleep by 10 o’clock so this was extremely late. He just wasn’t sure if it was late enough to count as a middle of the night call. He needed it to not be a regular call.

Alex didn’t stop moving for the next 30 minutes. He covered the parking lot four times over and nearly dropped his phone twice because he couldn’t stop playing with it. When it was almost three (2:41am but he’s rounding up) he pressed Call.

“One second,” Michael answered gruffly after six rings. There was another voice muffled in the background. Whoever it was did not sound happy that Michael had answered the phone. 

Alex bounced on his toes lightly and waited as Michael made his excuses to his hookup of the night.

“Okay,” Michael said after a moment.

“I kissed my squadmate,” Alex blurted out. “Well, I kissed him and then he sucked me off. In my commanding officer’s office. And we got caught.”

Silence. “Are you getting discharged?” Trust Michael to skip past the awkwardness for once and cut straight to the point.

“I don’t know.” Which was part of the problem.

“Isn’t it against the military’s rules to be gay?” Alex heard the creak of Michael’s truck door opening and then the slam of it closing.

“Yes. Kinda. Not really? It’s complicated.” Alex started pacing.

“Yeah, I’m a little drunk so you’re going to have to explain that one to me.”

“DADT got repealed. Today. Or yesterday, I suppose.”

“So you’re not getting kicked out?”

“I don’t know.” Michael waited. “It happened two days ago. They hadn’t actually filed any charges against us to start the discharge process. And now with DADT being repealed it’s all up in the air. Because the ‘offense’ happened before the repeal and also because they don’t know if the repeal goes into effect immediately or if there’s a delay or what that means for us.” Alex stopped and squatted on a curb.

Michael didn’t say anything right away and so Alex waited. “Alex, did you get caught on purpose?”

Alex closed his eyes. “Maybe.”

“Alex…”

“Can you imagine my dad’s face if his son was dishonorably discharged for engaging in homosexual activity?” Alex could. He’d pictured it many a time. “It would be on record. He’d have to acknowledge it.”

“So you’re going to throw your life away? To piss off your dad?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “It’s the Air Force, not my life.”

“It’s a dishonorable discharge,” Michael corrected. He sounded remarkably sober for a guy who claimed to be drunk. “That kind of thing sticks with you.”

“I know.” Because he did know. He just wasn’t sure he cared all that much.

Michael huffed. “So now what?”

“I don’t know. They could go either way. Hell, they could wait to decide what to do and just leave us in limbo for now.”

“Why now?”

Alex dropped his head to his knees. This was the part he hadn’t wanted to admit to. “I’m being deployed next week.”

“Shit, Alex.” 

“Yeah.” He sighed. “I’m a coward.”

“You’re not a coward. Not wanting to go to war does not make you a coward. It means you have a brain and some semblance of self preservation.”

“I joined the military, Guerin,” Alex reminded him. “I knew what that meant. But now that it’s here…”

“You’re going to be fine, Alex.”

“You don’t know that.” 

“Yes I do. Because you’re not allowed to not be fine.”

Alex’s shoulders sagged. “Not allowed huh?”

“No. I checked the rule book. You have to come home, safe and sound.”

“Yeah okay,” Alex sighed.

Michael let the silence linger before, “was he good at least? Like, worth getting kicked out of the military good?”

Alex smirked. “I’ve had better.”

He heard the slow lazy smile that spread across Michael’s lips, the smugness just oozing through the phone. “Yeah you have.”

---

Alex’s voice was a sleepy mumble when he finally answered. “Guerin?” 

“Hey,” Michael greeted softly. It was late, even for this kind of call. Hell, Alex would probably be needing to get up for the day soon at this point.

Bed sheets rustled as Alex shifted in bed. He waited for Michael to speak first. When he didn’t, he started humming, as had become his habit.

Michael let him for a little while, his eyes closed as he listened to Alex try out different notes. He’d been working on the same tune for years at this point but Michael never tired of hearing it. “Alex?”

Alex stopped humming with an inquisitive noise.

“Am I really that bad of a person?”

“You’re not a bad person at all,” Alex told him. His voice was still slightly rough with sleep and for the first time Michael felt bad for calling him. Alex had clearly needed the rest. “You’re an idiot sometimes and you make terrible life decisions but you’re not a bad person.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“If you want me to lie, call me when I’m awake,” Alex grumbled. They both knew Michael wouldn’t though. They didn’t talk like this when the sun was shining. If they talked at all it was inconsequential.

“Max is joining the sheriff’s department,” Michael told him. “Because of me. Because he thinks he needs to to get me out of trouble. Because I’m such a screw up that he needs to literally make a career out of cleaning up after me.”

Alex sighed. “You’re not responsible for what Max does. He’s a big boy, just like you, and he makes his own choices, okay?”

Michael waited for him to tell him he wasn’t a screw up. He didn’t.

“Guerin?”

“Yeah, okay.” Michael swallowed thickly and hoped Alex couldn’t hear it through the phone.

“What is it?” No such luck.

“You were supposed to tell me I’m not a screw up.” Alex didn’t reply right away and Michael scoffed. “Guess I should have called when you were awake.”

“You’re not a screw up,” Alex finally said. But had lost some of its meaning. “You just make bad choices sometimes.”

Michael had a sudden flashback to his truck that last summer. “Right.” He nodded even though Alex couldn’t see him. “I forgot. I’m throwing my life away.”

Alex sighed heavily. He sounded a good deal more awake now than he had. “Guerin-”

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“Gue-”

Michael hung up.

---

“Hey man, are you okay?” Richards grabbed his shoulder but Alex threw him off without a thought. He must have been rougher than he’d thought because Richards took a full step back and put his hands in the air. “Manes? Alex?”

“I’m fine,” Alex barked.

“You are not fine,” Henderson told him. Alex whirled around. He hadn’t even heard him come up behind him. Henderson also took a step back.

“Okay, fine. I’m not fine.” 

“What do you need, man?” Collins asked from behind Richards.

Alex wasn’t even entirely sure what had happened. One second he was fine and the next he was having what might be a panic attack. “I need to leave.” The guys immediately started clearing a path to the door. Alex was nearly outside before he realized what he really needed was something else. “I need my phone.”

Henderson turned on the spot. “I’ll get it.”

Collins and Richards waved Alex outside, neither one of them touching him and making sure no one else even came close. It was impressive considering how crowded the bar was tonight. 

Alex braced himself against the brick wall, closed his eyes, and sucked in slow, deep breaths. There were people walking on the street behind him but Alex blocked them out. “Here,” he heard Henderson say. Alex opened his eyes to see his cell phone in front of his face. He snatched it from Henderson with a gruff ‘thanks’ and started scrolling through his contacts. It had been a while since either of them called and their last call hadn’t ended well but Alex didn’t care. 

He ignored the fact that it was barely past midnight and hit Call. As it rang he pressed his forehead to the back of his hand, his fingers digging into the brick. The guys stood around him, not quite hovering but not leaving him alone just yet.

Alex ignored all of it and listened to the phone ring.

The dial tone cut off with a, “-uck off Max!” 

Alex sagged lightly against the wall. There was a slamming door and some more cursing before, “Alex?”

“Hi,” he whispered.

“What’s wrong?” They didn’t usually ask. But then again, Alex didn’t usually call this early in the night. He was suddenly acutely aware of his friends pretending not to listen in.

“Can you-” Alex cleared his throat. “Can you just-”

Thankfully, Michael didn’t need him to finish the sentence because Alex wasn’t sure that he could. He waited half a beat to make sure Alex didn’t say anything else before he was off on a tangent about something. Alex could honestly say he had no idea what Michael was talking about, at some points the terminology he was using went straight over his head and at others he was referencing people Alex had never met. But it honestly didn’t matter as Alex felt his panic subside and the tension leave him the longer Michael talked. 

After more than a few minutes, though it honestly could have been an hour and Alex wasn’t sure he’d have noticed, Collins came over to him. “Do you need a ride home?”

Michael stopped talking, clearly listening in.

Alex nodded. “Sorry.” They’d all come together.

“Dude,” Richards scoffed. “Don’t apologize. Place was lame anyway.” He turned and led the way to the car, Henderson on his heels. Collins lagged behind to make sure Alex was following.

“Alex?” Michael asked.

“Yeah. Can you-”

Michael hummed. “So yesterday Izzy-” Alex let the words roll right over him. He barely paid attention to where he was walking and trusted Collins to get him back to the car in one piece. 

Alex didn’t say a word the whole ride home and the others left after making sure he got into his apartment in one piece, none of them asking the questions obviously on the tips of their tongues. Alex loved them for it, just a little bit.

He listened to Michael ramble as he got ready for bed and collapsed on top of his sheets.

“I saw my dad today.”

Michael cut off mid word. 

“He- he’s visiting an old friend of his apparently.”

“I didn’t realize the devil had friends.”

“Plenty of demons in hell,” Alex said lightly. “I didn’t think he saw me but then he was out at the bar I went to tonight and he,” Alex stopped. He hadn’t even really processed it earlier, what exactly had set him off. Now, he wasn’t sure he wanted to admit it. Hell, he wasn’t sure he could admit it. 

He let out a shuddering breath and said nothing.

After a while, Michael started talking again and Alex fell asleep to the sound of his voice.

---

Maria grabbed the keys out of his hand even as she shoved him out the door. “Your truck will be here tomorrow,” she told him. She closed the doors behind her and watched him as he stumbled across the parking lot. “Is there someone you can call?”

Michael laughed. “At this time?” He paused. “What time is it?”

“3am,” she sighed. “Look, you can’t stay here. I can’t afford that right now.” She’d just bought the place and he knew any small problem could snowball for her right now. “I need to clean up and lock up. If you’re still here when I leave, I’m calling the Sheriff.”

She hesitated a moment, a wary eye locked on him, but eventually she went back inside. Michael didn’t miss the definitive thud of the deadbolt turning in the lock a second later.

Michael tripped twice on his way to his truck, his feet catching on the gravel. He had half a thought of using his powers to start the engine but he dismissed it, recognizing that he really was way too drunk to try and drive. Honestly, he was drunk enough that he might somehow blow the car up trying to start it with his powers. Instead, he pawed clumsily at the seats until his cell phone appeared.

Holding onto it tightly, he slammed the door and started down the road. The Wild Pony was on the opposite side of town from Sanders’ but at least he wasn’t parked out at Foster’s right now. That would have been too far.

Michael wasn’t sure at what point he’d dialed the phone but before he knew it it was ringing in his hands.

“Hey,” Alex’s tiny voice answered. Michael stopped and stared down at his name on the screen. He didn’t have a contact photo set for him; Alex wouldn’t let him take one. “Guerin?”

“Alexxx,” Michael drew out his name far longer than necessary.

Alex sighed. “You’re drunk.”

“Yes,” Michael nodded firmly. “Very. Maria took my keys.”

“Where are you?”

Michael looked around. “Roswell.”

He thought Alex might have snorted. “I know that. Are you at the Pony?”

“Nope.” Michael shook his head. “She kicked me out.”

“Oookay. So where are you now?”

“Walking.”

Alex paused. “You’re walking home from the Pony? Drunk?”

Michael shrugged. “She said I couldn’t stay or she’d call the Sheriff. I don’t want to see Max’s disappointed face again. It’s a stupid face.”

“Michael,” Alex sighed. “Can you call Isobel? Have her pick you up.”

“She’s got a new boyfriend. She’d be mad if I woke her up. Says she needs her beauty sleep for him.”

“Mich-”

“You left.” Alex choked on his name when Michael cut him off. 

“I couldn’t stay.”

“No. You could,” Michael focused more on putting one foot in front of the other than on the words spilling out of his mouth. Probably a good thing because otherwise he’d never say it and he’d just have more nights like this one. “You just won’t. You never will. But I know that. I’m good for a fuck but not to stay over. Whatever.”

“Guerin-”

“You left.” He’d gotten to the edge of the street and he tripped over the lip of the sidewalk. The phone fell to the ground next to him and he missed Alex’s response. When he got back up, the phone was cracked but the call was still connected. “You left Roswell. Two days before you said you would. You didn’t say goodbye.” Half the reason Michael had gotten so drunk tonight was because he’d made plans for a night with Alex only to realize Alex had skipped town.

“I had to go,” Alex told him. “My friend needed me.”

“I needed you,” Michael might have whined. “You just skipped town in the middle of the night.”

Alex exhaled heavily. “I didn’t think you’d care. I mean, you always find some excuse to not be around when I leave.”

“I care,” Michael insisted. “You’re just an asshole.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Doesn’t make you less of an asshole.”

“Where are you now?”

Michael looked up. “Crashdown.”

“Okay.” He paused. “Michael?” Michael hummed. “Keep walking.”

Michael looked down at his feet, surprised to find them stuck in place. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Just take a step.” Michael did. “And again.” Michael did. Slowly, leaning more heavily on the buildings he passed, he got to the end of the strip.

At some point he started narrating his journey. After a while Alex started giving him directions like he didn’t know how to get home, like Alex knew the way better than he did. Michael didn’t argue with him, though, just kept talking as he walked until eventually he crashed into the locked gate at Sanders’. Michael picked the lock without thinking about it. He’d lost the key Sanders gave him a long time ago and using his powers on the lock was an old habit. 

“You home?�� Alex asked. Michael was sure he’d been talking this whole time but he must have missed some of it.

“Mhmm,” Michael agreed as he trudged up the steps of his trailer. He almost dropped the phone as he fell onto his bunk.

“Good night, Guerin.”

---

Alex couldn’t sleep. His body was thrumming with something like excitement. Or maybe anxiety. He didn’t know.

The news broke that morning and it was all Alex could think about all day. Every time he thought he’d finally got it out of his head, someone or something would remind him and he’d be lost to it again.

He had to be up in three hours, had to be at work in less than four, and yet he had hardly even closed his eyes.

Alex fought with himself for a few more minutes before giving it up and getting out of bed to get his phone. It was across the room so he unplugged it from the charger and carried it outside with him. Sometimes, he’d scroll through his contacts and fool himself that there was someone else he might call but tonight he didn’t bother with the pretense; he went straight to Michael’s name and hit call.

Michael answered immediately, almost like he’d been waiting for Alex.

“They did it,” he greeted.

Alex felt himself smile. “Yeah.” It was nearly reverent. “They actually did it.” Michael laughed and a second later Alex joined in. He leaned back and stared up at the stars. “They really did it.” 

They sat quietly for a while, just listening to each other breathe. 

“Run that dad band idea by me again?” Alex had no idea what had possessed him to say it. They never mentioned these phone calls, never, and it had been years since Michael brought it up.

Michael made a strange noise. “Couple of kids, crappy family garage band instead of doing homework?”

“Yeah that.”

“First step is finding someone you can make music with.”

“And marrying them,” Alex smiled. “I can do that now.” As of this morning, he could marry any guy he wanted, anywhere he wanted. 

“Yeah, Alex. You can do that now.”

Alex closed his eyes. “Might need to find me a mean triangle player.”

Michael paused and Alex wondered if he’d gone too far. “No cowbell?”

“Eh,” he sighed in relief. “You can always use more cowbell. Could need a guy who can do both.”

“Steep requirement.”

“Well, I could never marry just anyone.” He laughed. “Gotta have standards, you know.”

“Only the very best for Alex Manes,” Michael agreed.

“And for Michael Guerin.”

“Sure.” 

Alex opened his mouth to reply when another voice beat him to it. “Are you coming back? Or should I go?”

Michael audibly wavered so Alex made the choice for him. “It’s late. I need to sleep.”

“Alex-”

“He sounds hot.” He hung up.

---

Isobel was going to be fine. A few bumps and bruises, possibly a concussion if she actually got checked out at the hospital, but otherwise she was fine. As far as car accidents go, it was nothing, especially considering the state of her car.

Michael had just had time to push the oncoming car just slightly to the side before it hit Isobel head on and the adrenaline rush from using his powers publicly and being scared to death that Isobel almost died was starting to wear off.

“Michael, I’m fine,” she insisted. Noah hovered in the open front door behind her but Isobel ignored him. “Really. It’s you I’m worried about.”

Michael looked at her, surprised. “Why would you be worried about me? You’re the one who almost died not an hour ago.”

“Yeah but you’re the one who,” she stepped closer and lowered her voice, “decided to use his powers in public.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “It was Main St at midnight, hardly town square in the middle of the day.”

“Still,” she insisted. “You’ve been antsy ever since and you keep asking me if I’m okay and-”

“That’s because you almost died!” He reminded her.

“But I didn’t!” She put her hands on his shoulders. “You saved me. You did good, okay? So take a deep breath and relax. You’re starting to stress me out with how stressed you are.”

“I’m not stressed.”

“Well you’re something.”

Michael rolled his eyes. Behind Isobel’s head he saw Noah start to pace, his eyes locked on Isobel. “Your boy toy’s getting antsy. You should do something about that.”

Isobel looked over her shoulder and smiled before focusing back on Michael. “You should stay. Crash in the guest room.”

Michael shook his head. “I’m going home.”

Isobel eyed him. “Is home code for the Wild Pony?”

“No, home’s code for my shitty little Airstream,” Michael rolled his eyes.

“I don’t think you should be drinking tonight. You’ve already used your powers once-”

“Good night, Isobel.” Michael hugged her, cutting her off. “I’m glad you’re not dead.” He pushed her gently towards Noah, exchanging a nod with the man, and drove off.

He didn’t go home. He also didn’t go to the Pony. 

Michael parked his truck by the Crashdown and scurried across the street to the shuttered UFO Emporium and broke the lock. He slipped inside, careful to shut the door behind him, and navigated blindly through the rooms until he got to the room with the tacky glow in the dark stars painted on the wall.

He sat on the floor, sucked down half a bottle of acetone, and called Alex.

“Hmm?” Alex answered sleepily.

“Who would pay money for a dump like this?” 

“Hmm?” Alex asked, slightly less sleepily.

Michael leaned back slowly until he was lying on the floor staring up at the ceiling. There were more ‘stars’ up there but some of them were stuck on and were falling down. “They couldn’t even be bothered with halfway decent stars.”

“Guerin,” Alex grumbled. “Are you at the museum?”

“It’s terrible.”

He heard Alex roll his eyes. “It’s always been terrible.”

Michael looked around. “I don’t know. It’s not all bad. I’d even say this room’s had some amazing things happen in it.”

“Amazing, huh?”

Michael hummed in agreement. He listened to Alex shuffle around in bed and didn’t say anything for a while.

“Bad day?” Alex finally asked.

“Isobel was in an accident,” he confessed. “Other guy was drunk, just missed hitting her head on.”

“Is she okay?”

“Bumps and bruises,” Michael told him. “She was coming to pick me up. I was right there. She could’ve-”

“Hey, no, she’s fine,” Alex assured him. “I mean, come on, she’s Isobel Evans, a little thing like a car accident isn’t going to take her out.” Michael laughed.

“Nah, she’d wait for the apocalypse or something.”

“Please,” Alex scoffed. “She’d rule the apocalypse. Dare the world to try harder.”

Michael laughed until he started crying. “The guy just missed her.” He wiped at his face. “Almost took the front of her car off.”

 “But he did miss her,” Alex reminded him. “She’s okay. Say it.”

“She’s okay.”

“She’s okay.” Michael drew in a shuddering breath. He let it out just as shakily.

“She’s okay,” Alex said again, his voice calm and even.

Michael took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. It wasn’t working. “Can you-?”

Alex started humming without any more prompting. It had become a habit over the years. When Alex called but couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about why, Michael just rambled about whatever he could think of until Alex either fell asleep or hung up. When Michael called, Alex would hum for him. Sometimes he’d recognize it as a popular song but most often, Alex would just hum. Bits of it he recognized, some lines that Alex repeated over and over, something he once said he was working on. Michael had never heard more than bits and pieces, wasn’t sure if Alex had gotten any further than that, but he’d always liked hearing it.

That was what Alex hummed for him tonight and it settled him like nothing else could.

---

“Alex,” Henderson stepped in front of him, his hands in the air in front of his chest to show he meant no harm. “You need to sleep, man.”

Alex shook his head. “I need you to move.”

Elcott touched Alex’s elbow and he jerked away from her. “Don’t.” Her eyes were sad but kind. No pity.

“Manes, it’s late. You need to be awake and alert tomorrow for your shift. You need to sleep.” 

Alex shook his head again. “Right now, what I really need, is for you to get out of my way.”

“Look, Manes, we’ve been there,” Henderson started.

Henderson was his friend. They’d been posted together for years before this deployment and they knew each other pretty well. Alex knew that Henderson understood, knew that he could talk to the man if he wanted, the problem was that he didn’t want to. He couldn’t.

Alex stared him in the eyes. He had a few inches and about 20 pounds on Alex but Alex had no doubt he could take him. After all, he had plenty of experience fighting men bigger and taller than him. “Move.”

Henderson shared a look with Elcott before sighing heavily and stepping to the side. “Try not to get caught doing something stupid, will you?”

Alex didn’t spare him a sideways glance let alone a response as he burst out into the cold night air and made a beeline for the communications building. 

Two uniformed men stood guard out front. Alex ignored them until one physically stepped in front of him. “Manes. You can’t be in here.” Lt. Walker’s eyes were kind, he knew what had happened earlier, but his tone left no room for argument. “You need to go back to the barracks.”

Alex shook his head. “I need to-”

“Personal communications are not authorized at this time, Manes, you know that.” Walker stepped in front of him, hand outstretched, but stopped shy of actually touching Alex. It was a wise choice on his part; Alex was crawling out of his skin and he had no idea how he’d react to someone’s touch right now.

“I need-” Alex’s voice cracked slightly and he squeezed his eyes shut to avoid seeing their reactions. 

“Manes,” the other guard said, the one Alex didn’t know.

“Five minutes,” Alex pleaded. “I need five minutes.” He swallowed thickly.

Walker exchanged a look with the other man, the man shrugged and pointedly looked away, and Walker opened the door behind him. “Five minutes.”

“Thank you,” Alex told them sincerely as he slipped inside. The place was mostly dark, all operations communications being run out of a different building and personal communications prohibited at this time of night, but Alex knew the way to the phone bank just fine. He hadn’t had occasion to use it much but every soldier stationed here knew where to find their connection to back home.

Alex didn’t bother with a chair. He grabbed the phone off the desk and curled up on the floor, his fingers dialing a familiar number without hesitation.

It rang twice before being sent to voicemail.

Alex called again. It rang once.

Alex let out a mild curse and called a third time. This time it was picked up just before it went to voicemail. “Who the hell is this?”

“Michael,” Alex exhaled. 

“Alex?” There was a loud clang like Michael had dropped something. “What time is it over there?”

There was a clock on the wall opposite him. “3:52 am,” he answered.

“What’s wrong?”

And just like that, Alex broke. He’d been holding it together all day, since 1:36 pm. Since Alex pulled the trigger and another man fell to the ground and didn’t move. 

Michael made soothing noises on the phone, a low murmur of words that Alex had no hope of understanding but that was okay for now. He just needed Michael’s voice in his ear.

“I killed someone,” he finally croaked out. “He was going to shoot us but I shot him first but it doesn’t even matter because he’s dead because of me.” Tears were falling freely but Alex didn’t notice. “I killed someone, Michael,” he whispered.

“Alex.” Michael’s voice was soft, gentle. Alex wasn’t sure he deserved it right now. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”

“I shouldn’t have,” Alex closed his eyes only to be blinded with the memory of the man falling to the ground, chest covered in blood. His eyes snapped open. “I-”

“You shouldn’t have had to,” Michael agreed. “But you’re alive. And your squad’s alive, right?”

“Yeah.” Every one of them had gotten back safe and sound, no injuries. “He should have gotten to go home alive too.”

“It was you or him. And I’m not sorry it was him.”

“Don’t say that. You don’t know that.”

“I know you,” Michael’s voice was strong and sure. “And you wouldn’t have pulled that trigger unless you absolutely had to. You could never hurt anyone unprovoked. It was you or him.”

Alex let out a shuddering breath. He wasn’t sure he believed Michael but he couldn’t deny the words helped. Alex didn’t say anything else and after a moment, Michael started up a running commentary on what he was doing.

“Manes.” Alex looked up to see Walker stood in the doorway. His eyes were on the hallway, respectfully not looking at Alex, but his five minutes were clearly up. Alex looked at the clock to find it read 4:12. 

He cursed lowly. “Sorry,” he said to Walker. To Michael, he said, “I’ve gotta go.”

“Try to get some sleep,” Michael asked. “You sound tired.”

Alex felt his eyes slip closed. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Michael replied. “For staying alive.”

Alex didn’t know what to say to that so he hung up without another word. Walker gave him another minute to pull himself together before he stuck a hand out to help him up. Alex took it gratefully. “Thank you.” He wasn’t talking about the help.

“Don’t mention it,” Walker replied. He didn’t say another word as he escorted Alex outside where Henderson was waiting. The two men exchanged a look that Alex couldn’t decipher before Henderson was ushering him back to the barracks. 

“Better?” He asked as they reached their bunks. 

Alex nodded, surprised. “Yeah. I think I am.”

“Good. Now get some sleep. We might get an hour at this rate.” 

“Thank you,” Alex whispered, Henderson was skipping his own precious sleep to stay up with Alex. The man just rolled his eyes and pointedly got comfy on his bunk. Alex’s lips twitched upwards as he followed suit.

---

“Sometimes I hate Isobel,” Michael opened with as soon as the call connected. It had been stewing in his head for days just begging to be let out.

Alex hesitated. “Why?”

Michael dropped his head back against the headrest and stared through his windshield at the stupid banner strung up in the middle of the main square. Congrats Graduates! 

“I could’ve had my Master’s by now,” he said. He’d done his research. Four years of undergrad followed by the two year graduate program for agricultural engineering at UNM and he’d have two degrees under his belt as of yesterday. “I should’ve had my Master’s by now.”

“And how is that Isobel’s fault, exactly?”

Michael closed his eyes, the images of Isobel’s face that night in the cave flashing in his mind. “She couldn’t handle me leaving after high school. Had a freak out or whatever.”

“...that’s why you stayed?” Alex sounded disbelieving.

“She- she did something. Something stupid,” Michael ran a hand over his face. “I’m not saying it was the only reason I stayed but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a big part of it. I didn’t want her to do anything like that again. I couldn’t-” He cleared his throat. “I looked it up. UNM’s grad programs, I mean. They had the program I wanted and if I’d gone after high school I’d be done by now.”

“Apply again,” Alex urged. 

Michael shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. You got a full ride the first time, you can do it again.”

Alex didn’t get it. Isobel hadn’t had any more blackouts since Rosa died but neither Michael nor Max had talked about leaving since then. Michael had no way of knowing if his leaving would just set her off again. He couldn’t take that chance. Not if he wasn’t there to shoulder the blame again. “I can’t.”

Alex exhaled loudly. “Why not?”

“I just can’t.”

“You can,” Alex told him earnestly. “You’re more than smart enough, Guerin. Any school would be lucky to have you, you just have to apply.” Michael scoffed. Alex groaned. “You’re wasting your mind on that ranch, Guerin. You could do so much more.”

Michael had heard all of this before. Didn’t make it easier to hear this time. “And what if I don’t want to? What if I’m happy on the ranch?”

“If you were happy on the ranch, you wouldn’t be hating Isobel right now,” Alex pointed out.

Michael hung up on him. He ignored Alex’s call a moment later, too. 

---

Alex watched the guy leave, his clothes still haphazard from how quickly he’d pulled them on after Alex’s not so subtle hints to leave had finally registered. 

“Are you allergic to sleeping next to someone?” Henderson laughed. “They never seem to stay very long.”

Alex shot him a glare and ignored the friendly ribbing from the other two guys sitting on his couch. He was well aware of his dating habits, or lack thereof, but that didn’t mean he wanted to hear about them from his friends.

He lasted about five minutes before he retreated back to his bedroom. The room reeked of sweat and sex and a strange man’s cologne and Alex threw open the windows and grabbed the can of Febreze, spraying liberally all over. 

His phone sat untouched on his bedside table as he stripped the bed and tossed the soiled sheets into a corner to wash another day. It stared accusingly at him as he pulled out his clean bedding and diligently made the bed.

When the bed was made, Alex snatched his phone up, pulled the screen out of the window, and ducked outside to sit on the small roof over his front porch. He sucked in deep lungfuls of fresh air as he scrolled through his phone. After about ten minutes he gave up pretending that he wasn’t going to do what he knew he was going to do and pulled up his contacts.

Michael was number four on his most frequently contacted list. Alex thought that was actually a little low, especially recently, but he pressed Call and shimmied onto his back as the call connected.

The stars were bright tonight, the sky empty of clouds, and Alex found himself searching out the few constellations he knew as he listened to the phone ring. 

“Not actually a good time,” Michael was out of breath when he answered. Alex’s stomach clenched. They always answered each other’s calls, no matter what they were doing. If Michael was really about to hang up on him for some-

“Michael!” It had been years but Alex still recognized Max Evans’ voice, though he’d never heard it sound quite like that. “Get back here!” 

“One second! Don’t get your-”

“Michael!” And there was Isobel Evans. She sounded nearly as fed up as Max had.

Michael grumbled something at them, the phone clearly held away from his mouth. “Can I call you back in like five minutes?”

“Michael!” That was both Evans’ that time.

“Ten minutes?” Michael corrected.

Alex smothered the laugh that was bubbling in his throat. Nothing about this exchange was particularly funny. “That’s fine,” he assured Michael. It wasn’t like Alex was going anywhere.

“Thanks,” Michael sounded sincere as he hung up.

Alex stared at the dark screen for a long moment before he laid the phone on his chest and returned to stargazing. 

“Yo Manes!” The call came from inside the house. “You still up?”

Alex didn’t answer. He wasn’t in the mood to socialize tonight. 

It was almost twenty minutes before his phone rang and Alex answered it almost as soon as it started ringing. “So,” he greeted, dragging the word out in an obvious question.

“Don’t ask,” Michael pleaded. “I would like to forget the last half an hour ever happened.”

This time Alex did laugh. “Okay,” he agreed easily. It was easy not to push when he was a thousand miles away and the answer didn’t really matter.

“Thank you,” Michael sighed in relief. “Now. What’s up with you?”

“Not much,” Alex hedged.

Michael hummed mockingly. “Yep, of course, you’re right, you always call me at two in the morning because nothing’s up.”

“You used to let me lie to you,” Alex remarked mildly.

“I did,” Michael agreed. “I do.”

“Rough night?” 

“We’re not talking about that, remember?”

“Of course not,” Alex agreed lightly. 

They let the silence linger for a while before Michael sighed and launched into a riveting tale of Johnny-the-idiot-ranch-hand. Alex let him talk for the better part of the hour, part of him engrossed in the stories of Johnny’s sheer incompetence, before he felt ready to talk about why he’d actually called.

“Do you think I’m broken?”

Michael cut off mid word. “What? No. Why would you think that?”

“I can’t date,” Alex confessed. “Hell, I can’t really go on a date. I just- I can do sex just fine, I have no problem meeting guys and hooking up but anything more than that and I get the urge to run in the other direction.”

The line was silent for long enough that Alex had to check it was still connected. “Guerin?”

“Yeah,” Michael cleared his throat. “Yeah. I’m here. I, uh, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Sorry?” Alex wasn’t sure if it was something he should apologize for. For all that they’d made a habit of this, the late night phone call, the ready listening ear, they’d never discussed matters of the heart. Not that he thought this was a matter of the heart, but it was similar enough he supposed.

“No, no, you don’t need to apologize,” Michael hurried to say. “I just wasn’t expecting it. But I’m good now.”

“Are you?” Alex arched an eyebrow even though Michael couldn’t see him.

“Yes,” Michael said. “And you are not broken, Alex Manes. Not in any way. So what if you’re not a serial dater? That’s fine.”

“I’m not a dater at all,” Alex reminded him.

“So? There’s nothing wrong with that. Just means you’ve got high standards.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Are you planning on extrapolating on that?”

Michael laughed lightly. “You’ve got standards, Manes. You don’t want to date because none of those guys are worth your time. You’re good at reading people, yeah? I’m sure if someone held your attention for longer than a fuck, you’d consider a date but none of them are worthy of it so you don’t.”

Alex hadn’t really thought of it that way, that maybe he just hadn’t liked any of the guys he’d met enough to want to date them. Or he had, but he’d dismissed it because how could no guy be worth dating? Well, no guy except… “You think quite highly of yourself, don’t you?”

“This isn’t about me,” Michael hedged.

“That’s not a no,” Alex observed.

“No, it’s not. But this really isn’t about me. There’s nothing wrong with you, Alex. I promise.”

Alex swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. “And I’m just supposed to take your word for it, huh?”

“Don’t you trust me?”

He did. “Should I?”

“...you either do or you don’t, Alex.” Michael’s voice was quiet.

“I do,” Alex confessed. Promised. “I do.”

---

“Michael,” Isobel scolded for the fourth time in ten minutes. And for the fourth time, Michael ignored her completely. When he reached for the bottle again she stretched across the table and snatched it from his fingertips. “Stop drinking.”

Michael turned his head slowly to stare at her. Uncaring if anyone was watching them he yanked the bottle from her grasp with a surge of his powers. It spilled all over both their laps but he paid it no mind as he poured himself another healthy portion. Isobel leapt from her seat with a horrified gasp. “Michael!” 

Michael sipped his drink. A heavy hand on his shoulder splashed a little out of the glass and onto his already ruined jeans. “Michael,” came Max’s disappointed voice a moment later. “It’s not even dark outside yet.”

“Which would probably explain why I have half the bar to myself.” Michael toasted Max with the little that remained in his glass before tossing it back in one swallow. He reached for the bottle again to top it off.

“Why are you like this?” Max asked. He dropped into the seat next to Isobel with a heavy sigh. Michael glanced at him, saw the uniform firmly in place, and looked away. He wasn’t in the mood for Deputy Evans today.

“Max!” Isobel hissed. “If you’re gonna be an ass just leave. I’ve got this.”

Max raised an eyebrow. “Clearly.”

“I’ve-”

“How about you both leave?” Michael cut her off. He waved a hand at the door. “Don’t let me stop you.”

“Michael.” It was Isobel’s turn to sound disappointed and just like that Michael was over it. He stood up so fast his chair fell over and nearly took him with it. Michael reached for the edge of the table to steady himself and knocked the bottle to the floor in the process. 

“Dammit.”

Max rolled his eyes as he stood. “I’ll pay for it.”

“I didn’t ask you to.” Michael glared up at him. Max ignored him and walked over to the bar to pay Maria. Isobel wasn’t looking at him so Michael took his chance and lurched towards the door. The ground moved slightly under him but he was used to it and adapted quickly.

“Michael!” Isobel’s yell got cut off by the slam of the door closing behind him.

Michael squinted when the sun hit his face. It honestly was a lot earlier than he usually drank but it wasn’t like he had a job to fill his time anymore so what did it matter. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he staggered over to his truck. By the time he got the engine running he’d already listened to Alex’s voicemail twice. 

“Michael!” Max came barrelling out the Pony’s front doors. “Do not drive!” Michael dropped the truck into drive and pulled out with a spray of dirt that may or may not have hit Max in the face. 

He made it back to Foster Ranch without killing anyone or himself. He counted it as his achievement for the day. Once he got to his Airstream and saw the notice to vacate his parking spot on his door, he knew it would be his only one.

Michael crumpled it into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder. Sanders didn’t have any work for him right now but he might be willing to let Michael park the Airstream in the lot anyway. If he didn’t, Michael didn’t really have a backup plan but that was tomorrow’s problem. Truthfully, it was yesterday’s but Michael was nothing if not someone who could procrastinate.

He flopped onto his bed and called Alex for the third time. As it rang he dropped it onto his chest and waited for the voicemail message. It was the only time he got to hear Alex’s voice these days.

“You know when someone doesn’t answer it’s not usually an invitation to keep calling.” Alex’s voice was raspy and gruff but it was the most beautiful sound Michael had heard in days, if not longer.

“Alex!” He shot up in the bed and nearly dropped the phone. After fumbling with it for a few precious seconds he pressed it to his ear. “You’re okay!”

There was a pause. “Yeah.”

Michael’s heart sped up. “That’s not exactly your reassuring voice, Alex.”

“I’m alive,” Alex told him needlessly. He was talking to him, he could tell he was alive. “Henderson’s not. Elcott’s not. Markle’s not.” Michael listened to Alex take a deep breath. He pressed a fist into his eyes. Henderson and Elcott he had heard of from Alex a bunch, Markle he didn’t know. “My leg’s gone.”

Michael’s eyes shot open. “What?”

“My right leg. It was- they couldn’t save it.” Michael had no idea what to say. “Can we- I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been talking about it for days, it’s all anyone wants to talk about and I just-”

Michael desperately wanted to talk about it. “Wyatt Long got arrested again yesterday; public indecency.”

Alex’s exhale sounded relieved. “What’d he do?”

“Decided it would be a good idea to take a shower in the high school locker room. During school hours.”

“Why the fu-”

“He was drunk. Thought he was late for football practice. Or at least that’s the story I got from Max. The official story is it was all just a big misunderstanding and the Sheriff’s Department is ‘very sorry’ for the trouble they caused him.”

“Man,” Alex snorted. “Must be nice to own the town.”

“Right?” Michael slowly lowered back onto the bed and closed his eyes. Alex’s voice washed over him. “Some guys just have all the luck.”

Alex hummed. When he didn’t say anything more, Michael launched into another story. And then another one. And another. 

It was easily half an hour later, in a lull between Roswell updates, that Alex finally spoke. “I bought a house.”

Michael’s breath caught in his throat. He swallowed around it. “Oh yeah? I thought you said you were renting only, that there was no point in trying to settle down when you were just going to have to move again soon.” 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed. “But my service is almost up. And with my leg...”

“Right. So, uh, which one’s the lucky city?” How far away was Alex going to be?

“You remember Lily Pierce?” Alex asked suddenly.

Michael furrowed his brow. “Cheerleader? Parents were never home so she always threw the parties?”

“That’s the one.”

“What about her?”

“I bought the house two doors down from her place.”

Michael’s heart stuttered. “That’s in Roswell.”

Alex let out a huff. It sounded vaguely amused. “So my realtor said.”

“You bought a house in Roswell?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

Michael wasn’t sure how Alex expected him to react to that. “When’s your service up?”

“Not for another year.”

“Captain Manes!” A distant voice scolded. “You’re not supposed to be up!”

“Alex?”

“Shit, Guerin. I’ve gotta go.”

“Alex!” But Alex had already hung up.

---

Michael paced outside the Airstream, phone clenched in his fist as it rang. He counted the rings and answered on the last one.

“Thanks for the heads up,” he greeted.

Alex sighed. “You knew I was back in town.” 

“From Isobel!” Michael yelled. He’d found out from a flyer on Isobel’s dining room table denoting a welcome home parade for resident town hero Alex Manes. Not because Alex had bothered to tell him himself. 

“I was going to tell you.”

“Clearly.”

Alex was quiet. “You’re angry.”

“Damn right, I’m angry! You blow back into town without a word only to show up at my door with your dad? Alex!”

“Not about that,” Alex dismissed. “You’re upset about that but not this angry.”

He was right, Michael was more angry about everything going on with Max and Liz fucking Ortecho, but that didn’t mean Michael could admit it. “Right,” he scoffed. “Because you know me so well.”

“Okay, I’m not talking to you while you’re like this.”

“Fuck you.”

Alex hung up. Michael’s curses split the air but there was no one around to hear them. He’s not too proud to admit that he threw a minor tantrum, dust kicking up around him as he used his powers on the lawn chairs he hadn’t packed up yet. They went tumbling across the distance until they crashed into the side of his truck. 

The loud clang they made when they collided startled him out of his anger. With a disgruntled sigh, he trudged over and grabbed the chairs, folding them up and tossing them in the bed of the truck. He had to pack everything up anyway now that the land had been sold. No point putting them back out. 

Once that was taken care of he felt calmer. And slightly ashamed. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Alex back.

He answered on the second ring. “You still pissy?”

“Fuck you,” Michael replied. It was decidedly more teasing and less angry than the last time he’d said it. Alex clearly heard the difference.

“Good. What’s up?”

“Just some bullshit with Max thinking he rules the world.”

“The usual, then?”

Michael snorted. “Nah. Little more than the usual. He, uh, he decided to go around sharing secrets that weren’t his.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“It’s a shitty thing to happen.”

“Yeah,” Michael exhaled loudly. “So. You’re back.”

Alex paused. “I’m back.”

“How long?”

“Don’t know yet. I’m finishing up my service and then, well, I’ve got the house, so…”

“How is it?” He’d driven by it once, right after Alex told him he bought it, but he’d never been inside.

“Looks like crap,” Alex laughed. “I should have gotten someone to come clean it. Or, you know, furnish it. I’ve got a bed and one folding chair.”

“You’ve been back for two weeks.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Clearly.”

They both fell silent. Michael could tell Alex had something on the tip of his tongue but whatever it was, he didn’t say it.

“You going to the reunion?” Michael finally asked, when the silence had dragged out too long.

“Reunion?”

“Yeah, Izzy put together our ten year reunion. Saturday night? Pretty sure Maria’s going.”

“Uh,” Alex stuttered. “I guess? I haven’t actually been to see Maria yet so it would be a time to catch up, I guess.” Michael definitely didn’t read anything into the fact that Alex hadn’t seen his best friend since coming home either. At least he wasn’t avoiding Michael specifically. 

“I’ll text you the details.”

“That’s fine, I can get them from Maria.”

Michael tensed. “Right. Sure.”

“Look, Guerin-” Alex sighed and stopped. “It’s late.” It was always late, with them.

“Yeah, sure. Good night.”

He hung up before Alex could reply, some of that earlier anger still simmering under the surface. 

---

Alex stared out at the desert behind his house and fingered his phone in his pocket. He wanted to call Michael but he wasn’t sure he could. Not after how he’d left things earlier.

This was the problem with coming home, he thought idly. They’d made a relationship that worked for them and it worked in part because they didn’t see each other very often. Barely a month in and he’d fucked it up.

After staring into the darkness for too long, Alex gave it up and went to bed. He spent over an hour tossing and turning before accepting that sleep wasn’t coming. At least not easily. 

His phone was on the bedside table, easy to reach from the bed. Alex stared at it for a long moment before giving up and unplugging it from the charger. He told himself he was just going to play a game but he wasn’t surprised to find himself pulling up Michael’s contact. He stared at his name until the screen blurred and then he pressed Call.

He didn’t even know what time it was. It might not be late enough for this kind of thing.

Michael answered but didn’t say anything. Alex listened to his breathing for a few minutes, equally unwilling to talk. For once, Michael didn’t take the silence as an invitation to ramble and instead stayed quiet.

“My dad’s a dick,” Alex offered eventually.

“He is,” Michael agreed readily. He didn’t say anything more.

Alex wanted to apologize, wanted to take back what he’d said earlier at the drive-in but the words got caught in his throat. “I’m not scared of him,” he said instead. “I’m not,” he added firmly.

“No one ever said you were,” Michael replied. “No one could.” He made it sound simple, like it was a fact. Alex wasn’t sure if it made him feel better or worse.

The line was quiet again, the silence only broken by the sound of Michael yawning.

Alex closed his eyes. “I don’t care about the copper wire,” he confessed. It came out so quietly he wasn’t sure Michael heard him.

On the other end of the line, Michael let out a breath, long and slow. “I know, Alex.” And then he hung up.

---

Michael sped away from the hospital, trying to leave the image of his broken siblings behind him. Isobel seemed confident that she needed to be there, that it was the only place safe for her, and Michael was trying not to argue with her but he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand needing a door with an exterior lock to feel safe. And Max was half dead on his feet these days and Michael couldn’t deal with them both. He was never supposed to be the strong one.

The sun was shining overhead but Michael pulled out his phone anyway. It rang and rang until eventually he got Alex’s voicemail. He pulled the phone away from his ear, stared at it, then called again.

“Guerin,” Alex greeted, his voice hushed. “I have a meeting with a general in less than a minute, can it wait?” Michael let out a shaky breath.

“Captain Manes,” he heard a voice call. It sounded authoritative. “Yes, sir,” Alex replied, his voice faint. 

Michael prepared to be hung up on but Alex’s voice was suddenly loud in his ear again. “Guerin?” 

“Yeah,” Michael replied. “Yeah, it can wait.” Still, Alex hesitated. “Go to your meeting, Alex,” he urged. “I can wait.”

“Okay,” Alex said slowly. “I’ll call you back when I’m done,” he promised just before the line went dead.

Michael made it home and through two oil changes before his phone rang. He ignored Sanders’ look, wiped his hands, and walked away pressing his phone to his ear. “Hey,” he greeted, knowing who it was without even checking the caller ID. “How was your meeting?”

“Long,” Alex huffed. “Generals are entitled assholes.”

Michael raised his eyebrows. Alex wasn’t overly fond of the Air Force but he was usually respectful of it and the men and women he served with. “Tough day, huh?”

“Could be better,” Alex agreed. “You?”

“Isobel committed herself to the psych ward,” Michael admitted. “She’s been having blackouts for the past couple of weeks and she doesn’t know where she goes or what she does and it’s freaking her out.”

“Can they help her?” Alex asked. He didn’t ask if she was okay or if Michael was and for that Michaelw as grateful. He wasn’t okay and he suspected Alex knew it but they didn’t need to talk about it.

“I don’t know,” Michael exhaled heavily. “But she figured it’s better than waking up in the middle of the desert again.”

“Hmm,” Alex mused. “Waking up the desert with no memory or sleeping in an uncomfortable bed in a locked room you can’t get out of…” Michael pictured him weighing his hands like a scale.

“It makes her feel better,” Michael shrugged. He didn’t get it either but it was Isobel’s call. 

“That’s all that matters,” Alex agreed. He paused. “Want to hear about this guy Jones? He stole a developmental vehicle they’re testing out and wrecked it last night and now he’s trying to stop the brass from figuring it out.” It wasn’t how they usually did this, Alex talking his ear off, but it sounded really good right about now.

“Yeah,” Michael agreed. “Tell me about Jones.”

The sun went down while Alex talked and Michael felt the words ease some of the ache in his shoulders. It was nice, he realized, to hear Alex’s voice. It didn’t matter what he said, Michael was tuning most of it out, but it didn’t matter.

---

Alex had just started getting ready for bed when the phone rang. At first, seeing Michael’s name flash on the screen, Alex was tempted to ignore it. He’d spent the entire day waiting for Michael to come home so they could talk only for him not to show up. But it was after midnight and a phone call after midnight was always answered. It was their unspoken rule.

“Guerin,” he answered in a clipped voice.

“He’s dead,” Michael gasped.

Alex froze. “Who’s dead?”

“Max.”

Alex stood up from the bed and started grabbing his things. “Where are you?”

“I don’t- I don’t know. I dropped Izzy off and I was going home but-”

“Stay there,” Alex told him. He snatched his keys off of the table and yanked the front door open. “I’m coming.” 

“Don’t-”

“I’m coming,” Alex repeated firmly as he started the car. 

“Don’t hang up,” Michael requested weakly.

Alex closed his eyes briefly as he took off towards Isobel’s house. “I won’t. Michael, I won’t.” And he didn’t. He started humming as he drove, the old chords forever on the tip of his tongue. He’d never managed to put words to them, not in the decade he’d been writing the music, but he knew the melody like the back of his hand. 

He made it to Isobel’s house and immediately turned in the direction of Sanders’. It was only five minutes or so before his headlights picked up the familiar form of Michael’s old truck parked on the shoulder. Alex parked behind him and hung up the phone before getting out and hurrying over to Michael’s door. 

Michael was staring at his dark phone when Alex reached his window. There was a look of utter confusion on it, like he didn’t know what had happened. He turned that look on Alex when he opened the door. “Alex?”

“Hey,” he greeted softly. 

Michael stared at him for a moment longer before he started leaning towards him. Alex wrapped an arm around his shoulders and hugged him awkwardly as Michael planted his face in Alex’s neck. “Max is dead.” Alex was about to ask what happened when Michael continued. “Rosa’s back. He brought her back.”

Alex froze. He genuinely did not know what to say to that. 

Michael pawed at the back of his head, his fingers scrabbling at the fine hairs at the nape of his neck. “You stopped singing.” His hand felt different than normal but Alex ignored it.

Alex immediately started humming again. Bit by bit, he felt Michael relax against him. The positioning was uncomfortable for both of them but Michael didn’t seem inclined to move and Alex couldn’t bring himself to suggest it. They stood there for the better part of an hour before Michael unfolded himself.

“It’s late,” he remarked. His face was already starting to shutter, his grief from a moment ago hidden away. “You should get home, get some sleep. You’ve got work tomorrow.”

“Guerin-”

Michael pushed his shoulder gently until Alex took a step back and he could close the door. Alex didn’t stop him as Michael gave him a tiny, crooked smile and a nod in thanks and drove away.

The next time they saw each other, neither said a word about that night, silently agreeing to pretend the last time they’d seen each other was in the Airstream before Max and Noah died and Rosa was resurrected.

---

Michael got lost in the music. His fingers were cramped and his arms were tired and he barely noticed. Every now and then he’d shake out his hand, maybe run the fingers of his right hand across just to convince himself that his eyes weren’t lying, but then he’d go right back to the guitar. He’d stolen it from the Pony a few nights ago and he’d been playing it ever since. 

Turns out not everything is like riding a bike. Michael was having to relearn everything, recondition his fingers to work like they’re supposed to, and he was enjoying every second of it. Part of him wanted to keep it to himself, to hoard this kernel of joy and not let the world ruin it like it had ruined everything else, but part of him also ached to share it. To not be alone in this too.

Michael missed a chord and stopped to rub the cramps out of his fingers. A quick glance at his phone showed the time was 1:57am so he unlocked it and called Alex without a second’s thought.

“Guerin?” Alex’s voice was rough with sleep but the worry was evident. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Michael promised. It was somewhat of a lie, plenty of things were wrong, but nothing at this moment. “Listen.” He put the phone on speaker, set it down next to him, and started to play. It was rough, a far cry from what he used to be able to do, but it was also worlds better than anything he’d done in a decade. 

He ran through a few songs, old favorites that he’d first learned in high school, before his fingers took over and started playing something new. Well. Not new. 

Over the phone, Alex inhaled sharply in recognition but Michael didn’t stop playing. He’d been listening to this melody for ten years and his fingers knew the notes faster than he could think of them.

Finally, the song came to an end. In its wake there was only silence. 

“That’s my song,” Alex said softly. “You played my song.” Michael didn’t know what to say so he didn’t say anything. “You played-” Alex cut himself off. He cleared his throat before continuing, “it sounded amazing, Michael.”

Michael closed his eyes and ducked his head. “It wasn’t,” he objected. He didn’t comment on the rare use of his first name.

“It was,” Alex repeated. “I’ve never played it before.” He quieted. ”I’m glad I could hear you do it.” 

Michael squeezed his left hand into his fist, relaxed it, then did it again. “I’m glad I could play it for you,” he replied softly. 

They sat in silence for a moment longer. “Okay,” Alex eventually said, at a more normal volume. “Now play Free Bird.”

“Fuck you,” Michael laughed. “Let me work my way up.”

“Fine,” Alex scoffed. “Play Thnks fr th Mmrs.” 

Michael rolled his eyes but complied. The only reason he knew it was because Alex had been obsessed with it in high school so he supposed it was only fitting.

They stayed on the phone for a while, Alex making requests and Michael doing his best to fulfill them, before his hand cramped up too much for him to continue.

“Hey,” Alex said softly, just before Michael could hang up. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me listen.” He hung up before Michael could think of a reply.

---

Alex eased the car door closed, not wanting to interrupt the quiet night. It wasn’t that late, was actually pretty early if you counted before midnight as early, but Alex kept to his routine anyway. Up ahead, a body lounged against the wall, a dark cowboy hat pulled low. Alex ran his eyes over the familiar form, taking in every detail he could as he came to a stop next to him.

Michael slowly looked up at him. “You came,” he greeted, like he couldn’t quite believe it.

“You asked me to,” Alex reminded him. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t the middle of the night. Michael had called and Alex had answered. It’s what they did.

---

Michael wasn’t sure why (that’s a lie) but he found himself pulling into Alex’s driveway three hours after he’d said goodnight to Maria. She’d asked him to stay over but he’d made some excuse he couldn’t even remember to go back to the Airstream but instead he’d driven around for hours until finding himself here.

At Alex’s house.

They didn’t do this. If they needed each other in the middle of the night, they called. They didn’t show up. Not in the last 18 months since Alex moved back had they done this. But here Michael was.

He got out of his truck and let the door fall closed. It was loud in the quiet night but Michael didn’t care. Alex’s neighbors were far enough away that they shouldn’t be too bothered by it and waking Alex was sort of the whole point of being here. Wasn’t it?

Michael made his way to Alex’s patio, his steps heavy, and dropped into one of his chairs. The metal squeaked across the bricks at the motion but Michael hardly noticed it. He planted his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. It wasn’t long, or maybe it was, before the front door opened and Alex stepped outside. Michael heard him close the door before making his way over to him, his crutches sounding different on the brick.

The chair next to him pulled back and a moment later Alex dropped into it. He set his crutches to the side and placed a bottle of bourbon on the table. Michael glanced at it. It was his favorite brand. Alex hated it.

“Maria has her powers because her family was experimented on at Caulfield,” Michael greeted. “And the more she uses them the more they hurt her. It’s what happened to Mimi. It’s why Mimi gave her a necklace to block her powers.”

He looked up when Alex didn’t say anything and found himself staring at Alex’s stunned face while he processed his words. “She didn’t tell you,” he realized. Alex shook his head. “Shit,” Michael cursed lowly. He’d come here to vent not to drop a bomb on Alex. “Sorry. I figured she would.” Alex shook his head again. His fingers turned white with how hard he was squeezing the arm of his chair.

Michael reached out and gently unhooked his fingers. The second Alex’s hand was free, he twisted in his own and held on tight. He knew how Alex felt about Caulfield, knew he felt guilty for his family’s actions there. He really hadn’t meant to just unload on him like that.

After a short while Alex’s grip on Michael’s hand eased and he started to breathe easier. “Okay,” he said. “What else?”

Michael stilled. “Who said there’s something else?” Alex just looked at him. Michael tried to meet his gaze but he couldn’t, finally relenting, “I don’t want her to use her powers but she wants to. She doesn’t seem to care that it could hurt her or kill her.”

Alex didn’t say anything at first, his grip tightening on Michael’s again though this time it was in comfort. “It’s her life, Guerin,” he finally said. His voice was harder than Michael was used to at this time of night. Michael opened his mouth to reply but Alex talked over him. “It is. Just because you’re dating her does not mean you get to make those choices for her. I’m not saying you have to like it or ignore the issue, but the decision’s hers. Like it or not, it’s not your call.”

Michael yanked his hand away and stood up. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and watch her self-destruct?”

Alex looked at him evenly. “If that’s what she decides to do? Yes.”

Michael shook his head. “No. That’s not gonna happen.”

“It’s not easy to watch someone self-destruct,” Alex said quietly. His voice still wasn’t any softer. Michael stifled a flinch when he realized what Alex was talking about. “But it’s not your call. Sometimes all you can do is sit back and watch.”

Michael froze, thought about what he’d said, and dismissed it. “No,” he shook his head again. With that, he spun on his heel and went back to his truck.

Alex didn’t call after him.

---

Alex knew where Michael was, knew who was with him right now, and still he called him.

“Hmm,” Michael greeted quietly. In the background, there was a rustle of sheets and Maria’s questioning murmur. Alex forced himself to listen to it as Michael made his way out of his girlfriend’s bedroom.

As Michael wordlessly made his way outside, the quiet click of doors opening and shutting revealing his path, Alex raised the bottle to his lips and took another long sip. He should stop, he knew he should. He’d passed too much at least an hour ago, but he didn’t care.

“Alex?” Michael finally asked. It was otherwise silent on his end.

“Do you have any idea how much it hurts?” Alex asked. He was pretty sure he wasn’t slurring but Michael’s next words quickly corrected him.

“You’re drunk.” He didn’t say it like a question because it wasn’t.

“I spent the day with you and your girlfriend,” Alex reminded him. “Yes, I’m drunk.”

“Alex…”

“Just talk,” Alex ordered. He didn’t want to talk about it, especially not with Michael, but he needed Michael’s voice in his ear. Over a decade and he’d still never found something that helped even half as much as letting Michael ramble in his ear until his thoughts settled and he could breathe again.

Michael didn’t say anything right away. There was a pause long enough that Alex was almost about to plead with him before Michael got with the program.

“There’s a group of women who like to come by and get their cars fixed any time it’s really hot outside,” he started. “Isobel calls them the Real Housewives of Roswell…”

Alex closed his eyes and let the words wash over him. Michael never raised his voice above a murmur, his tone light and gentle, and at some point Alex capped the bottle and set it aside. He let Michael talk for almost two hours (at one point he’s fairly certain Michael started reciting the plot of his latest tv show but Alex wasn’t going to call him on it) until he was cut off by another voice. 

“Everything ok?” Maria asked. “Are you coming back to bed?”

Alex hung up before he heard Michael’s answer.

---

Michael wasn’t sure he’d ever get over the sound of the ocean. It was late, very late, and the beach was deserted except for them, and the only sound in the world was that of the waves crashing gently against the sand. 

“Heartbreak sucks,” Liz huffed. She was carving smooth circles in the sand around herself with her feet. It was the first thing she’d said since she’d joined Michael an hour before.

Michael hummed questioningly.

She gave him a sad smile and turned to look out at the water. This far out, the only light came from the moon and it made the waves shimmer. “When I first got here, I used to come out here all the time. Used to stare at the water like it held all the answers.” Her laugh was brittle and self-deprecating. “Like the ocean could fix my relationship for me.”

Michael pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his arms on them. “I’m not sure it’s that powerful.”

She smiled. “No. But sometimes it feels that way. Like if I spent enough time here it would wash away all of the bad stuff and leave all the good. All the parts that love Max enough to fix are problems.”

“Yeah,” Michael sighed. “I get that.”

Liz bumped his shoulder with hers. “You’ll be okay, Mikey. If you and Maria are meant to be, you will be. It’s just a few rough patches.”

Michael couldn’t help himself, he laughed. Liz stared at him in surprise. “Yeah, no, Maria and I are done. It’s not a rough patch.”

She furrowed her brow. “You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do. And so does she. We’re not meant for each other, no matter that we love each other.”

Liz frowned and shifted over to rest her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Michael hummed. He couldn’t quite bring himself to agree with her, even though he knew that’s what she was probably expecting. Maria had done the right thing ending things between them. He’d tried to deny it at first but he’d quickly come to accept it. They really weren’t meant for each other. Maria was meant for better men than him and he was meant for one specific person. The rest of the world paled in comparison and Michael had finally stopped denying it. To himself at least. 

“You’ll find someone,” Liz assured him. “You deserve to be happy, Michael.”

Michael smiled. “So do you. Even if it is with my idiot brother.”

Liz’s lips quirked upwards but she didn’t say anything. They sat in silence watching the waves for a while before Liz sat up with a groan. “I need sleep.” Michael sat where he was as she stumbled to her feet and held out her hand. “You coming?”

Michael shook his head. “I’m good here. Not like I have to work in the morning,” he teased. 

Liz gave him a searching look before shrugging. “You know the way back, right?” Michael nodded and she left. He heard her trudging through the sand behind him until she hit the road. 

When the sound of her car had faded into the night, Michael dug his phone out of his pocket and called Alex.

“How’s California?” 

“I like the ocean,” Michael replied. “It’s peaceful.”

“It is,” Alex agreed. “I always felt small, though. Standing on a beach. The entire world out there in front of you and you can’t see any of it because there’s just water.”

“Yeah,” Michael breathed. “Yeah.”

“How’s Liz?”

“She’s good. Obsessed with her work. Misses Max for some reason.”

Alex laughed. “Can’t imagine why she’d do that.”

“I can,” Michael confesses, the night giving him courage. “I miss you.”

Alex inhaled sharply. “Guerin-”

“Hey, it’s after midnight, doesn’t count, right?” Michael cut him off. He wasn’t ready for the big conversation just yet. 

“No lies after midnight,” Alex reminded him.

“Who said I was lying?” The next wave brushed dangerously close to his toes. Michael didn’t move. There was a voice on the other end of the phone, faint but recognizable. “Is that Forrest?”

“...yeah,” Alex muttered. “Hold on.” There was a shift and then the sound was muffled like Alex had covered the receiver. “‘Night,” Michael heard him say, followed by what sounded like a kiss.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay?” Forrest asked.

“No, I’ve got an early morning,” Alex hedged. “No point.”

“Okay.” Another kiss. “Good night.”

Michael waited until he heard the door close and the sound cleared up before speaking. “Not up to sleepovers, yet?”

“No,” Alex replied. Michael wasn’t sure if it was an answer or an order but either way Alex’s tone left no room for discussion so Michael dropped it. Problem was, he didn’t know what else to say. The mood from earlier was gone. Alex cleared his throat. “I miss you too.”

Michael felt his lips turn up in a helpless smile. “Yeah?”

Alex hummed. “I’ve kinda been wanting to show you the ocean for years now. I’m a little annoyed I didn’t get to.”

“Well,” Michael swallowed. “I hear there’s an entirely different ocean on the other side of the country.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Just something to consider.”

“Good to know.”

Silence fell over them again. Normally this is when Alex would start humming but Michael wasn’t sure he could take it right now. Not now that he knew the words to go with the song. 

“Night, Alex,” he finally said. “I’ll be back next week.”

“Good night, Michael.”

They hung up. Michael stared at his phone, trying hard not to think about how much softer Alex had sounded telling him good night than when he’d said it to Forrest. It wouldn’t do him any good to compare himself to Alex’s boyfriend. Their time was now. His and Alex’s would come. He believed that.

He had to.

---

Forrest snuffled and reached for him as he got out of bed. Alex paused and waited to make sure he hadn’t woken up before he grabbed his crutches and hauled himself upright. 

Navigating out of his bedroom in the dark with his phone tucked under his chin and both crutches in his hands while trying not to wake up the man sleeping in his bed was harder than he’d anticipated but Alex managed it. In the hallway, he paused just long enough to ease the door closed behind him before making his way outside. 

It was late, late enough that Alex almost expected to see the beginnings of the dawn on the horizon, but he hadn’t been able to sleep yet. Tonight was the first time Forrest had stayed over, the first time Alex had had to share his bed with someone other than Michael for longer than a few hours, and he wasn’t dealing with it as well as he’d hoped he would.

He didn’t even hesitate before he called Michael.

“Alex?” Michael sounded groggy.

“Fuck you,” Alex replied. He dug the palm of his free hand into his eye. 

“What did I do now?” He sounded simultaneously wide awake and more tired than he had a moment before.

“He’s not you.”

“Alex-”

“You got to move on, why can’t I? Why can’t I make this work? Why can’t I be with someone who’s not you?”

“Alex-”

Alex hung up.

---

It was late when Alex showed up at the Airstream. The fire was mostly embers and Michael was on his second and last beer of the night. When Alex got out of his car, Michael put his beer down and stood to greet him. He meant to meet him halfway but Alex was quicker on his feet and met Michael before he’d gotten more than a handful of steps. The last gasps of the fire provided little light but what light there was danced across Alex’s face.

“It’s late,” Michael greeted. He’d been back from California for almost two weeks and this was the first time Michael had seen him since then. 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed. He looked at Michael with a strange look in his eyes. If Michael didn’t know any better he’d say Alex came here for a reason. A very specific reason that didn’t involve a lot talking. “It’s almost four.” He stared at Michael until Michael got it. What happened in the early hours before dawn, when the night was at its peak, didn’t count. They’d scraped together a decade long relationship on that premise alone. The secrets, the fears, the hopes, the dreams, anything confessed across a phone line when the moon was high in the sky, didn’t count. Not really. Sure, lately they’d expanded that to in person conversations but Alex wasn’t here for a conversation and he wanted the same rules to apply. What happened between them at this time of night only existed in the here and now. It didn’t carry over into the daylight. 

Michael knew it was probably a bad idea. As they’d both said many a time, their relationship involved too much sex and too little talking when they were actually together and that had been their downfall. They were doing better lately but they weren’t there yet and Michael had no idea how introducing sex would impact them now. And that didn’t even take into account the fact that Alex still had a boyfriend who wasn’t Michael. But if Alex wasn’t going to mention that part, neither was Michael. He took one careful step towards Alex. “So it is,” he agreed. 

Alex waited a second, searching his face for confirmation, before he lunged forward and kissed him. His hands went straight to Michael’s hair, tangling in the curls at the nape of his neck while Michael clutched at his waist and pressed them as close together as they could possibly be.

They lost themselves in each other for long enough that when Michael finally pulled back to catch a breath, even the embers had died off. Alex trailed his lips down his neck and found that one spot that drove Michael crazy. The spot that no one else had ever found. “Alex,” he moaned. Alex’s only reaction was to start leading Michael backwards until his back hit the side of the Airstream with a gentle thud. Michael braced himself against it, cupped Alex’s face and pulled his lips back up to his.

Michael lost his shirt and his boots right there and Alex’s shirt found its way to the ground as they maneuvered the two steps it took to get to the door. They had to separate to get inside and Michael felt like he could hardly breathe during those few seconds. When Alex was finally inside, Michael pulled him close. It made walking back to the bed difficult but neither attempted to pull away again. 

When they finally did, Alex didn’t go far. He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his prosthetic for long enough that Michael decided to press his luck. “Stay,” he asked softly. Alex’s shoulders tensed and his eyes closed. “It’s still dark out,” Michael pointed out. “Sun’s not gonna come up for hours.”

That made Alex look back at him and Michael couldn’t help but kiss him again, his fingers sliding through Alex’s sweaty hair to hold him close. “Stay.”

Alex pulled away again to fish his phone out of his pants and set an alarm but then he was back in Michael’s arms. He still hadn’t said more than five words since he showed up but Michael didn’t care. Not yet anyway.

Whether or not either of them got any sleep was a question neither was inclined to ask nor answer but when Alex’s alarm went off just as the sky was starting to lighten outside his window, neither moved. They stayed where they were, Alex half on top of Michael, his fingers reaching up to tangle in his curls. Michael was busy trailing a finger up and down Alex’s arm. 

Eventually, though, the sky got light enough to force Alex into action. “Sun’s up,” he murmured. He paused and considered the view out the window. “Well. Almost.” He kissed Michael, slow and thorough, before pulling away completely. 

Michael watched silently as Alex got dressed. When Alex was ready, sans his shirt which was still outside, he stopped and considered Michael still laying in the bed. With another glance out the window, he leaned down and kissed Michael one last time before turning and leaving without another word. 

---

Michael didn’t hear from Alex for days after the night they spent together. It wasn’t too surprising nor was it unusual; their calls had never been an overly frequent occurrence and their paths didn’t cross in town much. But still, it made Michael antsy. He knew the point of it was that they wouldn’t talk about it, wouldn’t even mention it, but dammit, Michael had questions. He needed to know what it meant, both in the present and for the future, and whether or not he should be prepared for it to happen again. 

He was still trying to figure out to bring it up with Alex when the opportunity dropped into his lap. Liz’s welcome back party at the Crashdown started five minutes ago and he was running late. After spending too long searching for a parking space, he hurried around the corner to the diner only to find Alex and Forrest just ahead of him. Alex’s shoulders were tense and there was a careful distance between the two men but they were still clearly together.

“Alex,” Michael called before he could stop himself. Alex froze in his tracks as Forrest turned to greet Michael. Michael nodded at Forrest in hello and waited for Alex to turn around. He eventually did, at first not quite looking at him before clearly forcing himself to meet his eyes. 

“Guerin,” he greeted. “We’re all late,” he reminded them as he started to take careful steps towards the diner entrance. Forrest offered Michael a strained smile before following him and suddenly Michael was done.

He took his phone out of his pocket and called Alex.

The ringtone sounded loud and sharp and Forrest looked at Alex in surprise. “Since when do you have the volume on?”

Alex put a hand on his pocket over his phone and didn’t answer. They all stood there as Alex waited for the phone to stop ringing. Taking mercy on him, Michael ended the call, watched Alex’s shoulders relax, and called again.

This time, Alex had a hand on the door when his phone went off and his knuckles went white around it. “Are you going to answer that?” Forrest asked.

Alex sighed heavily and nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He pulled his phone out and put it to his ear. “Not now,” was all he said, his voice echoing through Michael’s phone, before hanging up and trying to tuck it away again.

Michael called him back.

Alex let out an actual groan of frustration before turning around. “Forrest, we’ll meet you inside.” Forrest looked between them before nodding slowly and stepping around Alex and into the diner. When the door shut behind him Alex led Michael around the corner and across the street for a modicum of privacy.

“It’s daytime,” Alex pointed out.

Michael looked up at the sun shining above them and nodded. “I thought that’s what the sun meant.”

“Michael,” Alex huffed. “What do you need, right now?”

“Answers,” Michael replied simply.

“It was 4am,” Alex reminded him. “What happens at 4am stays there. We don’t talk about it, we don’t ask questions, we don’t fucking bring it up in the middle of the day.”

“Maybe we should.”

“No.” Alex shook his head. “You don’t get to change the rules now.”

“I’m not trying to change the rules! I’m trying to understand.”

“Understand what?!” Alex shot back. “It was a 4am thing. It doesn’t mean anything.” Michael was stunned silent and Alex took advantage of it to walk past him. “We’re late for Liz’s lunch.”

Michael shook his head and spun. “It meant something!” Michael yelled after him. Alex stopped in his tracks. Just ahead, their friends turned the corner, clearly looking for them but Michael ignored them. “Of course it meant something, Alex, it always means something! And I am sick and tired of us pretending that it doesn’t.” Alex turned slowly to face him as Michael closed the distance between them. “Every single phone call,” he said quietly but earnestly. “They meant something. They mean something.” He shook his head. “They’re not nothing,” he pleaded gently.

“They’ve never been nothing,” Alex agreed softly.

A weight lifted off his chest and Michael breathed a little easier. “Maybe I am trying to change the rules but I think the rules need to change,” Michael said. “We can’t not talk about those things. About-”

“Michael-” Alex cut him off.

“Alex.”

Alex turned his head slightly to look over his shoulder and Michael was suddenly reminded of their audience. Forrest, Kyle, Maria, and Liz were standing on the corner staring at them. “Now’s not the time,” Alex finished. 

Suddenly, the last thing Michael wanted to do was sit through a lunch with all their friends and Alex’s boyfriend. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.” He stepped around Alex, careful not to touch him, and walked over to their friends. He greeted Liz with a quick hug. “Welcome home, Liz. I’m afraid I’m gonna have to miss your lunch.”

“We’ll do something another time,” Liz agreed easily. He nodded at her and crossed the street to his truck, pulling away before anyone could even think of calling after him.

---

Alex heard Michael pull away and didn’t move. He waited until three sets of footsteps walked away and he knew there was only one person left behind him. Still, he hesitated before turning around.

“So,” Forrest started. “I think it’s safe to say this thing between us has run its course.”

“Forrest,” Alex started but Forrest held up a hand to stop him.

“It’s okay, Alex. I knew we weren’t going to last forever. But we had some good times and I don’t regret it.”

“I didn’t want it to end like this,” Alex told him sincerely. 

Forrest cocked his head slightly. “Where did you go three nights ago?” Alex looked away. “It was the first night you agreed to stay over at my place but you disappeared for hours, snuck back in after sunrise. Where’d you go, Alex?” His voice was soft with understanding but Alex heard the hurt in it.

He couldn’t lie. “I went to Michael.”

Forrest nodded like it was exactly what he expected to hear. “Wasn’t just a chat was it?” Alex shook his head. “He’s who you’re meant to be with.”

“Forrest, this was real.” Alex needed him to know.

“I know it was. But I’m not Michael Guerin so it was never going to work.” Alex didn’t know what to say to that except-

“I’m sorry.”

Forrest swallowed thickly and nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” He stepped forward and pressed a kiss to Alex’s cheek. “See you around Alex.”

And then he was gone.

Alex tried really hard to convince himself the next breath he took wasn’t one of relief and he couldn’t quite succeed.

He took a moment to pull himself together and followed after him. Only, when he turned the corner it was Liz leaning up against the wall with Forrest nowhere in sight. 

“Let me guess. You’re skipping out on my lunch, too?” She didn’t look too upset about it so Alex didn’t feel too bad when he nodded. She huffed a small laugh and shook her head. “You two are a mess.”

“Don’t worry, we’re well aware,” Alex assured her.

She smirked. “I’m sure you are.” She jerked her thumb behind her. “Mikey took off that way so I don’t think he’s headed back to the scrapyard.” Alex looked down the street in the direction she indicated and knew immediately where Michael had gone. “Hey,” Liz put her hand on his arm to get his attention. “Don’t fuck it up this time, yeah? Either of you.”

“We’ll do our best.” He gave her a quick hug and a promise to meet up later and hurried away to his own car. 

It was a relatively short drive out to their spot and Alex made it shorter.

Michael’s truck was in the same spot it had always been and Alex parked next to it. He didn’t see Michael but he wasn’t too worried. Alex rounded the car and pulled the liftgate down to reveal Michael sprawled on his back in the truck bed.

“Should I have called?” Alex asked.

Michael opened his eyes and looked at him. “No,” he replied. “I think we need to get used to doing this the old fashioned way.” He held out a hand and helped Alex get up next to him, moving only slightly to give Alex room.

“Forrest broke up with me,” Alex announced.

“Oh?” 

Alex hummed. “Asked me where I went three nights ago and then told me we were never going to work because he’s not Michael Guerin.” Michael didn’t say anything. “He wasn’t wrong.”

Michael shifted so they were looking at each other. “Are we ready now? I know I am.”

“I just got out of a relationship twenty minutes ago,” Alex reminded him.

“So is that a no?”

Alex sighed and looked up at the clouds. “No. It’s an ‘I wish I was a better person’.”

Michael gripped the front of Alex’s shirt and tugged lightly until Alex looked at him. “So are we doing this?”

“What is this?” Alex asked, needing clarification or rather needing there to be no confusion.

“This. Us. For real. No more walking away. No more hiding behind middle of the night phone calls. No more seeing other people. Just us.”

Alex rolled over onto his shoulder so he could look down at Michael. “For good?”

“That is the idea.” Michael’s eyes were more serious than Alex could ever remember seeing them.

“Good. But no fuck ups, okay?” Alex put his hand to Michael’s chest. “We go all in, I’m not sure either of us will recover from it going bad.”

Michael wrapped an arm around Alex’s back, his other hand going to Alex’s cheek. “We won’t. It may not be perfect all the time but we’re not going to fuck it up.”  Alex took the words for the solemn vow they were and kissed him. 

---

Epilogue

Michael had no idea what the fight was about. He wasn’t even sure it was actually about anything. They’d both been stressed for days about different things and they hadn’t had much time together and suddenly they were shouting at each other over the dishes. 

He watched Alex storm away and part of him felt relieved. It had been going too well for months now and he had to admit he’d been waiting for something like this to happen. 

When Alex didn’t come back after a few minutes, Michael finished up the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. That done, he crossed the empty house to the living room and picked up Alex’s guitar. Part of him didn’t want to disturb the silence in case it led to another fight somehow but he couldn’t sit around doing nothing so he started picking his way carefully through one of the new songs he was learning, taking it slow and playing quietly. 

When the song under his fingers turned into Alex’s song a few minutes later, he wasn’t surprised. Ever since he figured out how to play it, it was one of his favorites, his body long used to relaxing to the melody.

As the last chords echoed in the room (he may have been playing louder than he meant to), his phone started ringing. Somehow he wasn’t surprised to see Alex’s face on the screen. Setting the guitar down, he answered.

“Too loud?”

“No,” Alex replied. “Can you-” he cut himself off with a groan. “Can you just-”

The last of the tension slipped from him as he settled back against the couch and started rambling about his week. Halfway through, Alex stepped inside from the back patio and hung up. Michael let his phone drop as Alex curled up next to him on the couch but he never stopped talking. When he ran out of things to say, Alex took up the slack and filled him in on his own week. 

The sun went down around them and Michael didn’t notice.

“Hey,” Alex sat up once he’d finished and they’d enjoyed a few moments of quiet. “No fair using my own song against me.”

Michael smirked. “Whatever works. But truthfully, I was playing it for myself. For some reason I’m practically conditioned to relax when I hear it.”

“Oh really?” Alex hummed, a smirk tugging at his own lips. “Wonder why.”

Michael shrugged. “It’s a mystery.”

[rowansparrow]

By Any Other Name: Chapter Three

Summary: Rex follows you to the back room of the bar to check on you, and you trade stories about what used to be.

Chapter Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: mild drinking and cursing, a bit of gambling? 

Ships: Rex x Female!Reader, Fives x Female!Reader, Clone OC x Female!Reader, other ships tbd.

Tags: #ByAnyOtherName, #BAON

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: It’s going to get much spicier after this chapter. Once again, bless @fat-zygerrian for being my beta reader!

Comment if you want to be tagged! Reblogs are SO appreciated!

Chapter One Chapter Two

You had not expected to see him again.

Of course, a part of you had been hoping you would run into him at 79’s again. But what were the chances he would be there? Stars, what were the odds he’d have even remembered your name?

You entered the bar with measured caution knowing you didn’t have your girlfriends with you this time around. Although they didn’t really offer you much in the way of moral support the last time you’d been here for a night out, it still felt so strange to come alone. You hesitated, looking around for Rose, wrapping your arms around yourself and suddenly feeling incredibly anxious when he didn’t immediately appear. 

This had been a stupid idea. 

You shook your head. If you were already second guessing yourself maybe it was best to just leave and save yourself the embarrassment. You turned back towards the exit quickly, ready to get out. Whatever little gods out there must have been watching over you that night, because just before you stepped through the doors, somebody crashed into you.

“Ah, kriff, sorry ma’am!” The clone chirped, careful to steady the multiple glasses in his hands as he shifted quickly around you. You recognized the handprint on the trooper’s armor. He had been one of the two men who pulled Rose away from you the night you had met.

You stood on your tiptoes, eyes trailing him to a round table pushed into the back corner of the cantina. The trooper hurried over and slid into his seat, distributing drinks and then passing one of the amber drinks to the man on his right. You recognized him too. Even from a distance, the goatee and numeric tattoo on his temple were hard to miss.

The troopers appeared to have been waiting for the replenished drinks, because as soon as the soldier with the handprint on his armor took his seat, the tattooed one immediately began dealing out cards. 

You inched closer, trying to catch a glimpse of the other players while not being too obvious about it. Maybe coming here was a good idea after all...

“No, no, you dealt last hand, di’kut.” A trooper with a Republic cog tattooed on his face swatted at the other man’s hands. “It’s my turn.”

“Did not!” He protested. “Echo had the last one. Then he got drinks so now it’s my turn!”

“The entire point of me getting drinks was so you could deal while I was gone.” The one named Echo drawled.

“Quit bickering and just deal the damn cards.” Another clone griped. “Force knows I’ve already lost enough hands to Rose. Let’s get this over with!”

Your heart skipped a beat. Rose. You tried to look inconspicuous as you shifted even closer to see the rest of the table.

“Ah, don’t be such a sore loser, ‘Case. You’d have better luck with your cards if you’d stop flashing them at me half the time.”

“That’s cheating!”

“Then hold your kriffin’ cards up, vod.”

Rose’s laugh was what finally made you turn fully to face the table. He was not in full armor this time. Instead he wore armor below the belt, but the upper half of his body was just the black bodysuit the clones wore beneath the plates. The top of the suit had been unzipped slightly, showing off a triangle of Rose’s chest and what appeared to be tattoos adorning the bronze skin. Something about the tease of flesh was enough to make your mouth go dry, a more tantalizing intimacy than if he had been naked to the waist.

You suspected Rose must have sensed your staring. As the trooper's gaze shifted from his cards, those beautiful eyes of his darted directly to you. Then for a moment you froze, jaw opening and closing in a panic as you tried to think of something to say, an explanation for why you had been lurking in the shadows, just watching them.

But Rose beamed at you.

“Hey! I know you!”

The men at the table turned and you felt heat creep up into your cheeks.

“I was just – I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to intrude -.”

“Nah, come here! We’ve got room.” He reached over his shoulder, grabbing an empty chair from a nearby table and swinging it over effortlessly. He placed it right at his side. “Y/N, right?”

You nodded in response; your voice gone for now. He remembered your name?

“Boys, this is Y/N,” Rose waved at the men around the table. “Over there, that’s Fives and Echo.”

Echo gave you a little wave and Fives smiled, offering a small, two fingered salute.

“This is Jesse, Kix, and -.”

“Hardcase,” The trooper immediately to your right introduced himself then offered you his hand. You took it and he shook it with vigor. “You know how to play Sabacc?”

“Er.. no.”

“You’ll pick it up fast. Rose can coach you! He’s a natural.”

“That’s because he’s a strategist and cheats at cards.” Jesse mumbled, taking a long swig of his drink. Rose scrunched up his nose and flashed Jesse a little smirk. Fives then dealt the cards out to everyone and when each man had a full desk, Rose handed his cards to you. 

“This here is the hand pot,” Rose explained, gesturing to a little pile of what looked like junk in front of him. “And that bigger one is the Sabacc pot. Hand winners get the hand pot and whoever wins the game overall gets the Sabacc pot. Make sense?”

You nodded, trying to follow along. “What’re you betting?” You asked, picking up a small canvas bag off the pile closest to you. You risked a glance inside and were surprised to find two hard candies.

“Contraband.” Hardcase replied conspiratorially. “Or whatever else we’ve got. Not like we’ve got credits to bet.”

“Cards up, darlin’.” Rose told you, reaching around to the back of your hand to tilt your cards back up towards your chest. Even through his glove, you could feel the heat of his palm against your knuckles. You glanced up at him and he gave you a charming little smile.

“Alright, Fives dealt.. so Jesse should lead, yeah?” Kix nodded towards the table. Rose shifted so that he was sitting slightly behind you. His arm settled around the back of your chair and he looked at the cards over your shoulder. He moved his head low, his lips just barely brushing against your ear as he spoke.

“Your goal..” Rose murmured in a voice meant only for you. “Is to not break twenty-three. Each card has a different value.”

You felt a shiver run up your spine and tried to focus on the game as Rose coached you quietly from behind. Hardcase was the first to bomb out, theatrically tossing his cards on the table in a huff. Jesse, Kix, and Echo were eliminated when none of them broke twenty. Then it came down between you and Fives.

Fives studied you from across the table, cocking one eyebrow up. He drew a card and smirked, holding his deck close to his chest.

“You’re at twenty.” Rose whispered in your ear. “If you draw anything higher than a three, you’ll bomb out. You can choose to stand and hope your hand is higher than Fives’...or you can draw.”

“What do you think?” Fives grinned while tilting his head at you. “Do you feel lucky?”

You glanced up at Rose again for guidance but he just shrugged his shoulders. You smiled, turning back to Fives.

You drew a card.

~

You pushed your way into the back storage room, bracing your palms against the shelves while trying to steady your breathing. You simply couldn't catch your breath; your chest squeezing tighter with every raspy inhale you attempted.

You sank down to your knees, hands steepled behind your head and curled in on yourself as you fought for air.

You briefly registered the door opening and closing again behind you. The sound of rustling of armor properly caught your attention as Captain Rex knelt down in front of you. He gently guided your hands off the back of your head.

“Breathe.” He murmured. “C’mon. In with me, out with me.”

You tried to match his breathing, tears streaking your cheeks and ruining your makeup.

“In… out.” Rex repeated, reaching up with one hand to brush your tears away.

“Don’t!” You snapped, jerking away from his hands. Rex held them up in surrender, sitting back on his heels.

“Y/N, I need you to breathe or I’m going to have to find Kix.”

You closed your eyes, trying to ground yourself. Blood pounded in your ears, and you sucked in another sharp breath.

“In… out… in… out… that’s it.”

Slowly, your breathing relaxed and you leaned back against the wall, head thunking against the durasteel.

Rex sighed and sat cross-legged opposite you. “I’m sorry. I… I shouldn’t have come.” He said softly. “I never wanted to upset you.”

“It’s not your fault.” You said finally while rubbing your hands down your face in exhaustion. “It’s just…” You took a deep breath. “Hard.”

You sat in silence together for a long time. The distant thrum of the music and shouting from the cantina was the only sound around you until Rex finally spoke.

“He was one of the few I could stand.”

You let your head loll over towards him and raised an eyebrow.

“Rose, I mean.” Rex said, looking at his hands. “I love all my brothers. But the boys in Torrent… they can be insufferable.”

You chuckled. “I can’t imagine. Fives is bad enough when he’s planet side and comes to bother me. You’re stuck with him all the time.”

“You have no idea.” Rex cracked a small smile and picked at the fabric of his glove. “Rose… he’d act like the others, sometimes. Get into mischief with Fives and Echo. Do something stupid on the field and wind up with Kix, sure. The usual stuff. But Rose…” Rex shook his head fondly, as if he was recalling some far-away memory. “Rose was kind.”

You pulled your knees up to your chest and closed your eyes. A wave of relaxation calming you as you listened to the clone Captain.

“He was the kind of soldier who the shinies would always flock to.” Rex’s voice carried through the little room and you hummed softly, picturing Rose talking to the younger bright-eyed vode fresh off Kamino.

“He’d take ‘em under his wing. Show ‘em the open bunks.. tell ‘em where to stash their gear. After their first battles, he’d be the one to sit up and talk until they fell asleep.”

You cracked an eye open upon hearing a dull thunk. Rex had shifted to lean against the wall beside you, his eyes closed too, his face relaxed as he spoke.

“He was a good kid.” Rex mumbled. “And stars... did he love you.”

“Don’t.” You whispered while shaking your head, giving him a small, sad smile. “Not… not right now.”

Rex understood and put his hand over yours in an affectionate gesture. He gave it a small, reassuring squeeze. Then he seemed to suddenly remember who he was talking to and quickly pulled his hand back. Rex cleared his throat and rose to his feet.

“So,” He grabbed his helmet off the floor then began awkwardly inching towards the door. “I’ll ah – I’ll leave you alone. Congratulations on the opening. You did good.”

He quickly left after that and you lingered in the back, staring up at the ceiling and thinking of the past.  

TAG LIST: @fat-zygerrian @ladydiomede @pro-fangirls-unsocial-life @threevie @cheesemachine44 @bubblyace @fivedicksinatrenchcoat @loverofclones @starwarsgarbage @crazygirlwithasword

[clonecest-bin-account]

300 followers bingo - Echo & Torrent | Supernatural AU

(In which Echo gets followed by some Torrent boys. I’m not sure this is exactly what the asker wanted, but I had fun with it!)

Sometimes, Echo wonders what exactly the Tech Union did to him, because he swears he feels some presences, though he can’t put a finger on what presences exactly. Maybe it’s just paranoia. Maybe he’s just tired.

Little does he know, however, that there is actually someone following him in each step of his life.

  The first one to join him is Fives.

 He was confused when, after dying, he woke up in a lab without knowing where he was or whom that lab belonged to. Was that some sort of punished Palpatine had bestowed on him? Was there anything he could do? Were there any chances that he could’ve gotten back to warn everyone?

His desperation grew once he found out exactly where he was and, more importantly, who he was bound to, and with desperation shame also came, because Echo was alive and he didn’t even know it, didn’t even save him.

He stood helplessly as he watched his brother being experimented on, he cried for help, tried to do something, but he couldn’t touch anything. That was worse than death.

  Things change when Rex finds Echo. First of all, good to know that at least Rex is still kicking, and also… Oh, someone’s following him as well.

“Hardcase?!” “Fives?!”

The two brothers run at each other, enveloping each other into a long hug - huh, so at least they can touch each other…

There are so many questions they both want to ask each other, so many things they want to say, but in the end their silence speaks louder than any word could. They’ve spent so much time alone that having found someone who can finally even just see them is overwhelming.

Eventually, however, Fives finds himself speaking again. “Hardcase, I’m so sorry--” but Hardcase raises a hand to placate him before he can finish.

“Fives, I knew what could’ve happened when I agreed to your plan,” he says. “At least I was gone in a blaze of glory…”

Those words manage to bring a small sad smile to Fives’ face. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right…”

 When Rex tells Echo about what happened to him, Fives wants to scream: he can see the sadness and desperation in Echo’s eyes, and he’d do anything to be able to reach him, to tell him that he’s fine - more or less - to console him, but no matter how hard he tries he can’t do it. Damn it all!

Hardcase holds him throughout this whole process. He’d say something, if only he didn’t know that it wouldn’t help; what could his words add? No, he prefers staying close, offering consolation - for once - in a more subtle manner.

At least Echo seems to pull through well, at least partially. After all, they don’t have time to grieve, not when they’re still in danger.

Yes, Echo, get out of there!

 Fives and Hardcase keep following Echo and Rex, watching as things unfold.

They can’t help but to cheer their brothers on as they keep fighting the good fight. It makes them almost forget that they’re unable to do anything apart from watching.

No, it feels like they’re actually there.

 Fives doesn’t know what to think when Echo decides to stick with the Bad Batch. It feels unexpected, but oh well, if this is what he believes is best for him…

“Well,” Hardcase says, distracting him from his thoughts. “I guess you’ll go your way and I’ll go mine now, right?”

“… Actually, I was thinking that maybe we could stick together,” Fives replies. “I don’t know about you, but this gets lonely pretty soon.”

“That’s true…” Hardcase mutters, though he finds himself in a dilemma: to follow the Captain or to follow his brother? On one hand, he’d feel bad about leaving Rex alone, on the other, just watching without being able to do anything, all alone, is terrible. At least if he goes with Echo, he’ll have Fives keeping him company - and he knows better than to ask him to do the opposite, to abandon Echo to go with Hardcase and Rex.

Well, the Captain is hardly alone, in the end. He could afford to go…

“Ok, let’s stick together,” he says then. He notices immediately how Fives smiles at his words, happy about the fact that he won’t be going through this lonely journey on his own anymore.

At least now he has someone he can talk to, right?

 Seeing Echo getting integrated into the Bad Batch makes Fives feel… well, not jealous, but definitely nostalgic. If only he were still alive…

Not to mention about the chips part, because that’s still something dangerous that is looming over all of them, except that only Fives is aware of it. Rex should be too, but he doesn’t seem to have taken his words seriously judging from what he saw.

He doesn’t want anything to happen to Echo, not now that he’s finally free, but how can he be certain that nothing will go wrong? No, things are about to change, he can feel it.

 Both he and Hardcase get the confirmation that things have gone to shit when Order 66 gets sent out.

They’re on Kamino, still following Echo wherever he goes, when it happens. At first Fives fears Echo’s going to succumb, but for some reason that he can’t pinpoint, but he’s grateful for them nonetheless, neither he nor the Bad Batch are changed by it.

Whatever the reason is, it’s enough to keep them from becoming meat droids, but it also puts them in danger.

 Again, all Fives and Hardcase can do is to follow Echo and cheer on him. They know he can’t hear them, but they do it anyway; besides, who knows, maybe he doesn’t hear them, but he might still feel something - in fact, something he almost looks aware of the fact that Fives and Hardcase are there, though he always dismisses it as a passing feeling.

It doesn’t matter, as long as he remains safe. Despite the fact that Fives would want nothing more than to be with Echo again, he’d also rather have him be alive as long as he can, so he’s willing to wait some more, no matter how frustrating and lonely it can get. At least he has Hardcase to keep him company, just as Hardcase has him.

  After Echo and the Bad Batch manage to find a ship to escape, they think that, at least for a while, they can metaphorically catch their breath, but they’re proven wrong when another ghost appears. Oh no…

 When Jesse opens his eyes, the first things he sees are his dead companions, which means that something must be wrong. What is happenin… Wait.

“Jesse?” Hardcase mutters, tentatively approaching the figure in front of him and Fives.

It’s like a switch has been flipped as Jesse breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably as his dead brothers try to console him. “I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!” he keeps repeating over and over again, unable to stop.

 After he calms down a bit, he manages to tell what has happened to him, how he lost control of his body. So it really has started, huh?

“What about Rex?” Fives asks. Is he dead too?

“I think he’s fine…” Jesse mutters. “He did manage to escape with Ahsoka…”

Well, that would explain why there’s no Rex ghost hanging around. That’s one reassuring thing at least.

 “… What now?” Jesse asks. There’s pure desperation in his eyes. “What do we do now?”

Fives and Hardcase look at each other. Yeah, that’s something both of them have gone through on their own; exactly because they know how it feels they’re more than determined to help Jesse through it. Like hell they’re going to let a brother down.

“You can stay with us,” Hardcase offers. “At least you won’t be alone.”

“So, we just follow Echo around and see where things go?” Jesse asks. He’s obviously not too fond of the idea, which is understandable: they weren’t made just to observe things, but to act.

“What else can we do?” Fives replies. He hates how resigned he sounds, but really, what can they do? If there was anything he could do to change things, he would’ve done it a long time ago, and he tried, but to no avail.

A sigh escapes Jesse’s mouth at those words. It seems that he’s beginning to understand. “Yeah, you’re right…”

 They hug. Despite the fact that they’re supposed to be incorporeal, they still do feel something, at least with each other; besides, they might be ghosts now, but that doesn’t mind that they’ve lost interests in physical forms of affection.

They can find solace in each other, at least.

  And so, here they are, a pale shadow of what they used to be, but still here for some twists of fate.

All they can do is watching Echo’s struggle to stay alive, to escape from the Empire, thus they keep doing it, hoping that at least one of their brothers will be able to make it out alive and as his own person.

Maybe one day Echo will be able to see them, maybe they’ll manage to communicate with him, but for now all they can do is to watch and hope with the constant question of “is this enough?” plaguing their thoughts. They really hope it is.

[wanderinginksplot]

Nobody Listens to Kix

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Case 00864: Dogma

Warning: This chapter deals with the aftermath of the Umbara arc and touches on shock, PTSD, and related themes. Please skip this chapter if those things make you uncomfortable. (No grossness like the last chapter, though.)

For the first time in his life, Kix stood in the middle of the medbay and felt utterly lost. They had been picked up by the Resolute, pulled from Umbara's surface aboard General Skywalker's favorite ship, the Twilight. The medbay was filled with men from the 212th and the 501st alike, men mixed together more completely than they ever had been. They were united in one thing: they were clones.

Nothing else mattered right now, maybe nothing else would ever matter. They had been pitted together, forced to fight to the death against their own brothers, and for what? To help a corrupt Jedi prove that clones were defective? Nothing as petty as the colors painted on their armor could separate the troopers from their vode now.

The medbay was overflowing with troopers and Kix felt helpless. Most of the injuries were minor, easily treated, but the emotional trauma…

Everywhere he looked, Kix found brothers frowning, crying, raging at the injustice of it all, or looking just as lost as he felt. Every bed in the medbay was taken up and troopers still filed in. They leaned against the walls, sat eight to a bed, or just stood in the middle of the floor. Normally, the accepted procedure was to create temporary medbays in the Resolute's hangers, but Kix refused to do that. The bodies of his fallen brothers filled every hanger, and he would sooner be court-martialed than force injured or emotionally-vulnerable men to stare at the bodies of men who had died in transit.

And it was only those who had died on their way to the Resolute who were being recovered. The men who had fallen on Umbara's surface would be left there, left to become part of the planet's dark soil. The Republic didn't worry about burying the clones. The new teams who arrived to hold the planet would have orders to collect the numbers of fallen troopers. A full casualty report couldn't be made until then.

An envoy of Jedi healers was on the way to meet the Resolute, their needs deemed too severe to wait until they had docked at Coruscant. It was a surprise, but one that Kix wouldn't turn away. It seemed that, despite being seen as expendable by the Republic, there were some Jedi who felt the injustice of what the clones had undergone.

The generals were out and about, as well. General Skywalker had gone to console Captain Rex, who - according to clone gossip - had nearly destroyed his office after returning to the ship. General Kenobi and Commander Tano were circling the medbay comforting troopers. They did their best not to look hurt by the men who flinched away from them. They understood that such recent betrayal by a Jedi meant that they would not easily trust another.

Kix noted that every Jedi he had seen since they left Umbara was not wearing a lightsaber. Even Commander Tano's iconic dual hilts were missing from her crossed belts.

General Kenobi veered closer to Kix as he moved through the crowd and stopped to speak with him. "I offer my most sincere apologies, Kix. Please, if there is anything I can do to help-"

Kix had started shaking his head before the General had fully formed the question. His brothers wouldn't accept help from a Jedi just now, and it would just agitate them further. Between himself and the three medical droids, Kix knew he could keep the men in the medbay alive until the Jedi relief healers arrived. Just then, though, he had bigger concerns. "Are you all right, General?"

Kenobi looked surprised when Kix gestured at his face and raised a hand to touch the wet trails down his cheeks. "Oh. I hadn't… I just- There is a great deal of pain in this room," he finally explained without apology. "I despise seeing the men like this. I would do anything to remove the pain from them."

"You and I both, General," Kix agreed. He tried to move away in an effort to treat more of the men, but General Kenobi caught at his arm. Before he could fight the reaction, Kix gave a noticeable flinch.

With an apologetic grimace, Kenobi dropped his hand and said, "There's one man I worry about more than these. Dogma is in bad shape. I don't feel anything from him at all in the Force. It isn't a good sign. I know you're busy, but..."

"I'll check on him, sir," Kix assured him, moving away with a medic's clipped steps. At the moment, it still felt more fantasy than reality, but the need for a plan had helped him build concentration. The medbay was too full to be effective, and he needed to start moving troopers away from the area.

Kix easily found Fives and Jesse, sitting in silence in the back of the room. Having obviously decided that the beds were too crowded - or needed by other men - they had opted to sit on the floor with their backs firmly braced against the wall. "I need you both to direct some of the men out of here."

Fives shook his head. "You can't expect them to leave. They're scared."

"I know, but I can't save anyone if I can't move in here," Kix argued. "I know we've gone through a horrible tragedy, but I need them to find somewhere else. Take them to one of the barracks. They need space and quiet and sleep, if they can manage it. I'll even get the ship's mess to send food and drinks, but they need to be away from here."

Jesse's lips were pale. "I don't know if we can move them, Kix. I don't think I can do it."

Kix's temper sparked, but he kept his voice calm and supportive as he crouched down in front of the troopers. "You are both leaders in the 501st. Fives, you're an ARC trooper. Jesse, your actions back there have you in line for a promotion, I can guarantee it. The men look up to you. You've taken care of them this whole time and you'll keep taking care of them by making sure they get the food and rest that they need. Give me a second to get Captain Trapper from the 212th and you can start moving men to the barracks. Move them in small groups and make sure one of you stays at the barracks with them so they feel safe."

A few moments later, Kix led Trapper back to the others, having explained the plan to him as well. "Start with the men who seem most at ease. The nervous ones will follow once they see the others leaving. If any of the men start to show signs of illness or trauma, bring them back here and I'll take care of them."

Fives gave a decisive nod. "Right. Let's start with the men we know will come along. Jesse, get Tup, Gurr, and Strike. They're good at explaining things to people. I'll get Appo, Fledge, and Quasi. They can start convincing people to come with us."

Obviously catching on to Fives's plan, Jesse added, "We'll try to get as many men with us as we can on the first trip. That might get some of the nervous ones to follow along eventually."

"I'll get a few steady troopers from the 212th to help out," Captain Trapper agreed. "Kix, we'll take them to D-Barracks. In case anyone needs one of the men, that's where you'll find us."

Kix nodded his appreciation and the men started working. It was a surprisingly quick process. After the initial troopers had been informed of the plan and circulated the room for a few minutes, the first group left, leaving the medbay noticeably more quiet than it had been. It took a total of four trips to convince all the stragglers, but Kix was eventually left with only a few of the most drastically injured men, General Kenobi, and Commander Tano.

"Should we go to D-Barracks, too?" Ahsoka asked.

Kix gritted his teeth. "Sorry, Commander. Most of the men just aren't ready to be around the Jedi yet. They need a place they can see as being safe, a type of haven."

Open hurt flashed across the Togruta's face. "I just want to help."

"I know, sir, and the men know, too. Everything is just a little fresh right now," Kix assured her. "General, have you spoken to Commander Cody yet?"

General Kenobi sighed and tugged mournfully at his beard. "I tried, but I could sense that he didn't want me there. I cannot be upset that he blames me for the 212th's part in this tragedy. I blame myself, too."

"Sir, I have never known a commander to look up to their general more than Cody does to you. He needs some time, but he knows the only one to blame for this mess is Krell." He thought for a moment. "Can you find someone to relieve Admiral Yularen?"

"On the bridge?" Kenobi asked, surprised. "I likely could. May I ask why?"

"He isn't a clone, but he isn't a Jedi. He's a member of the GAR who many of the men look up to. His presence may help them heal. If he's willing, of course."

"Of course," General Kenobi agreed, leaving the medbay at a fast pace.

"Is there anything I can do?" Commander Tano asked.

"Can you order some of the food droids from the mess to deliver supplies to the men?" Kix asked. "They'll need food and water, but hot drinks like caf and tea will help with the shock. Admiral Yularen and the Jedi could help with the delivery side of things. It's a good reason to see and be seen by the men without making them feel invaded by the Jedi."

"I'll do that," Ahsoka told him, spinning decisively on her heel. "Thanks, Kix!"

Before she left the medbay, she paused by the doors to look back at him with her expressive face free of the typical Jedi mask. "I'm glad you're okay, Kix. I really am."

"Me too, Commander," he murmured, but she was long gone.

With a nearly empty medbay, Kix fixed his attention on Dogma. The trooper was huddled in the last bed, his wrists fastened together in front of him in a pair of well-used binders. He stared blankly ahead, giving no reaction even when Kix approached him. His normally intelligent face was slack and his right shoulder gave an occasional twitch.

"Dogma," he said softly. There was no response, and Kix repeated the trooper's name without hope of him answering.

He took a bioscan of Dogma's current state, unsurprised to find that his blood pressure and pulse were high. "Dogma, it's Kix. Can you hear me?"

After a long moment, Dogma repeated tonelessly, "...hear me?"

"Come on, vod," Kix cajoled. "I need you to come back here. Come back, Dogma. You're here, you're safe."

"...safe," Dogma echoed. His brows crinkled slightly, the minor shift seeming tremendously important with his lack of other response. "Not safe. Never safe."

"You are safe," Kix insisted. "You're safe, Dogma. You've made us all safe. No more Krell. You can come back now."

"Krell…" Dogma's eyes lit with recognition of the name and his entire face crumpled a moment later under the weight of the memories. "I killed him. I killed a Jedi."

"A traitor," Kix said firmly. "He wasn't a Jedi. No Jedi would have done what he did."

"He was a commanding officer," Dogma replied, sounding almost like his regulation-quoting self if not for the thickness in his voice. "I killed a commanding officer. The regs say I'll be court-martialed and found guilty. They'll either execute me or lock me away for the rest of my life. I'm not sure which is worse."

Kix rested a hand on Dogma's shoulder, unable to keep it from tightening as he felt the trembling in his brother's body. "You did what you had to do. Not only for us, but for all of the Republic. Krell was a traitor and he deserved to die. Should have died slower, if you ask me. You were too merciful."

Dogma gave a slight chuckle at that, though there was no joy in his eyes. "That's an interesting take on the situation. I don't think the GAR will follow your logic."

"I'll talk to whoever needs to hear me - anyone who will listen," Kix told him fiercely. "You took out a threat. That's what we're trained to do. You're a hero. You should be given a medal, not face a court-martial."

"Even the other men are avoiding me," Dogma said with a shake of his head.

Kix laughed. "Because you killed that ori'dush shabuir? Most of the men want to shake your hand."

Dogma laughed, but the sound quickly turned to stifled sobs and he began to tremble uncontrollably. When Kix was unable to get another response from Dogma and the trooper's blood pressure began soaring to dangerous levels, he administered a mild sedative and waited by the bedside until Dogma's scans showed normal levels once more.

After Dogma fell into a drug-assisted sleep, Kix moved quickly to his desk, opened a link to the holonet, and proceeded to abuse his medical access privileges.

"Kix?" Senator Amidala asked, her confused frown evident even through the unstable connection of the hololink. "Anakin told me what happened on Umbara. I am so sorry-"

"Sorry, ma'am, I don't have much time," Kix interrupted. Thankfully, the senator didn't seem offended. "I have the trooper here who finally put an end to General Krell. He's facing a court-martial and they'll most likely rule against him. I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position, but is there anything you can do?"

Senator Amidala fell silent, and Kix appreciated that she was taking the time to fully consider his question. "The Senate and the Grand Army of the Republic don't operate jointly, but I think I can find a way to bring this to the Senate's attention since there are clone rights bills on the floor. I will need a few details and I'll warn you that it'll become a publicity circus. Is your trooper all right with that?"

"It's better than death, ma'am," Kix said firmly.

"That is true," she agreed softly. "Send me a file with as much information as you can and I'll put together something. The Senate won't meet tomorrow, but that should give me enough time to get something ready. When will you land on Coruscant?"

"A little less than a standard week from now."

"That should be plenty of time, then."

Senator Amidala's confidence was enough to ease the burden on Kix's shoulders. "Thank you, Senator. I can't tell you what this will mean to Dogma - to all of the men, really."

"It's the right thing to do, Kix," she said, voice filled with conviction. "You and your brothers deserve consideration as thinking beings as well as for the work you do in service of the Republic. We'll give Dogma the best possible chance that we can."

"I couldn't ask for anything more," Kix told her fervently.

---

A/N - Thank you for reading! Please reblog!

[josy1986]

Period Pains

Beca Mitchel suffers from heavy cramps during terror week.

Beca never was the extremely girly type like most of the other Bellas but during that special time of the month, she surely hated being a woman.

The DJ laid curled up on her bed, wishing to god she had been born a man instead of an incubator on legs.

Fuck sake, why the hell do we need this kind of reminder we’re not knocked up?! She groaned, holding the pillow against her body even tighter. Her periods had surprised her this morning and had cursed like a sailor during her bathroom visit. The bloody mess wasn’t even the worst, the cramps she had to endure were horrible and her small bottle of vicodin was empty. Normal painkillers didn’t work for her and her doctor had given her a prescription for heavier ones that did. Unfortunately for her, she had run out last month and she was in no state to get a refill.

However, she had sent a text to Jesse, asking if he could do it for her. He was currently on his way to the Bellas house to pick up the prescription and go out to get Beca’s refill. She hoped to god he would hurry.

Chloe had gone out to a small grocery shop on campus, came to the realization that she forgot her wallet on her way there and turned back around. She arrived back at the house right when Jesse did. She watched the young approach and gave him a polite smile. “Morning.” She said, taking out the key to open the door.

“Hey, I’m here for Beca.” He stated and Chloe rolled her eyes, her back towards him as she finally opened the door and walked in.

Well duh, captain obvious… “She should be in her room. Which I’m sure you’ll be able to find.” She said, it was a bit more snarky than she probably had intended.

While he went upstairs, she kicked off her shoes, walked into the kitchen and took a bottle of cold water from the fridge. She settled on the couch in the living room while drinking, checking her phone to browse her social media before she would look for her lost wallet. 

It was only a few minutes later that she suddenly heard voices coming from upstairs. She couldn’t quite make out what was being said, but she could clearly hear Beca yelling and she sounded angry. Several seconds later, a door opened, Jesse came rushing down the stairs and hurried out the front door. Chloe frowned and after putting her water and phone down, she got back on her feet.

Slowly but surely, she walked up the stairs and headed to Beca’s room. “Beca..?” Her voice was soft and filled with worry. She wasn’t sure what happened but Beca didn’t usually yell at anyone. Unless you touched her music equipment and computer. If she caught you touching it you’d be flying out the window.

The door to Beca’s room was open slightly and after Chloe called for the DJ, she heard a soft but clearly painful groan. “Chlo..?” A pained whimper followed. “Oh god…”

Chloe pushed against the door to find her friend curled onto her bed with a clear pained expression on her features. “Oh my god, Beca, what happened..? What’s the matter?” Chloe was next to the brunette before Beca could even blink, worry seeped into her voice.

Beca just buried her face into her pillow in shame. “Periods…” She mumbled but Chloe heard it nonetheless. She felt for her friend, she herself suffered from really bad cramps too during her periods.

“Is there something I can do?” She asked, carefully placing a hand on Beca’s shoulder who didn’t pull away from the touch. “Did you take anything for the pain yet?” Chloe wasn’t sure if her friend heard her questions but Beca eventually reacted with a soft whimper at first. Her body cramping up around the pillow, the action pulled the pillow away from Beca’s face and revealed how much pain the brunette really was in. It broke Chloe’s heart seeing her crush in such a state and not being able to help.

“I’m… out of pain medication.” She whispered, her voice cracked and she let out a soft sob.

“Let me see if I have some left.” When Chloe was about to get up, she was stopped by Beca’s hand around her wrist. The DJ was shaking her head.

“Normal pills… they don’t work.” Chloe put her hand on Beca’s when she felt the other woman squeeze, Beca took slow and deep breaths to ease herself through the pain. It didn’t really work but there was nothing else she could do. “I take vicodin… the stuff you can… just buy in stores, it simply doesn’t work.” Beca swallowed loudly, her eyes screwed shut when another horrible cramp hit her full force. “Oh god… Chloe…” Beca whimpered in pain and the redhead wrapped her arms quickly around her friend, holding her close to offer some sort of comfort. The fact that Beca allowed her told her all she needed to know. The brunette wasn’t the touchy feely type, displays of affection among friends was something she never did.

“I got some heavy pills too. I should have a few left.” Chloe whispered although she didn’t want to leave Beca, not even for the few short minutes she would have to leave, go to her own room and come back.

Beca nodded and reluctantly let go of Chloe’s clothes so the redhead could leave. She watched her friend leave, feeling like it took half a day before she eventually returned. Right when another massive cramp hit her and took away her ability to breathe for a few short seconds. “Chloe…!” She cried right when the woman in question reentered the room.

“I’m here! I’m here Becs.” She assured the brunette who was holding out her hand for Chloe to take. Which the older Bella did while squatting down next to Beca’s bed. “I’m here, I got two pills for you. Here.” She held the pills in her free hand while the other was still occupied with holding Beca’s.

The DJ took a few seconds to compose herself, pushing herself up after letting go of Chloe’s hand, afraid she might crush it otherwise. Once she was sitting with her back against the wall for support, she took the offered pills along with some water that Chloe brought with her. Once the pills were down, she let out a deep sigh. “Thanks…” And offered Chloe a shy, pained smile.

Chloe offered a warm smile in return and settled next to her friend on the bed. “You’re very welcome, glad I could help.” Chloe felt her heart skip a beat when they locked eyes for a moment. Beca swallowed hard but quickly looked away, focussing instead on the wall at the opposite of her bed.

One hand resting on her belly while the other laid on the bed, between her and Chloe. The redhead looked at the hand, biting her lower lip while considering to put her own on Beca’s. Instead of just blatantly putting her hand on the brunettes, she placed her own right next to Beca’s. Giving her friend the opportunity to initiate anything if she’d want to.

“So… why did Jesse run out the door..?” Chloe started but it had the opposite effect of what she had hoped. Beca groaned in frustration and let herself flop back down onto the mattress. 

“Cause he’s a fucking idiot… that’s why.” She muttered and let out a deep sigh of frustration, her hand now resting on the mattress next her. She waited for a few seconds before she continued. “I uh… I asked him if he could get my refill…” She said with a soft voice.

“He didn’t want to get it for you?” What an asshole.

“Oh, no he did.”

Damnit, not an asshole then.

“But uh… he asked for a blowjob as a reward.”

Nevermind, still an asshole. “Oh my god! Are you kidding me..?” She was genuinely in shock.

“Yeah, that’s what I said too.” Beca grumbled, wrapping her other arm around her lower body when a new massive cramp announced itself. It momentarily robbed her of her ability to speak and breathe. She curled up into a ball, wishing to god that her crush wasn’t there to see her in such vulnerable state.

“Is… is there something I can do…?” Chloe offered, god how she just wanted to hold the brunette and give her some kind of comfort. That’s how she usually dealt with her own monthly week of terror. Aubrey being the one that cuddled up with her and watched movies together. However, Aubrey graduated and was commanding people around somewhere in the wild. This was the first time that she found Beca in such a state, her heart ached thinking that the brunette had to go through this every month on her own.

Chloe waited for an answer, hoping that Beca wouldn’t pull those walls back up and close herself off but the brunette remained silent. “I… I’ll be out of your hair again.” Chloe said and scooted closer to the bed’s edge so she could slip off. Before she could in fact get off, a weak and surprisingly cold hand, wrapped around her wrist. Chloe looked at her wrist first before looking at Beca, who looked at her with red eyes.

“Don’t.” She whispered and the redhead could feel the DJ tremble. “Please, stay.” There was something in her voice that Chloe never heard before: desperation. “I’m sorry, I’m just…” She sniffled, gently letting go of Chloe’s wrist.

Chloe smiled softly and instead of getting off of the bed, she moved to lay next to her friend instead. “Come here.” She whispered and Beca did just that, both women moving closer to one another.

Beca slipped her arms around Chloe’s waist, her head nestled under her friend’s chin. As much as she hated feeling like this, so incredibly needy and clingy, this was really nice. Chloe’s arms around her body made her feel safe and secure. Made her feel like she wasn’t alone in the world.

“Comfy…?” Chloe asked and it broke Beca’s train of thoughts.

“Yeah… thanks.” She mumbled against Chloe’s skin, she was warm, soft and comfortable. She was the only one that Beca allowed to peek past the walls around her heart.

Chloe’s heart hammered in her chest, her arms around her favorite person, being this close to her. About an hour ago she thought this was her worst day of the week when she realized she forgot her wallet. How that turned around to this, she had no idea but boy was she grateful for it. Without realizing it, she started to gently caress Beca’s hair. It was something she personally loved being done to her, so she hoped Beca would too. A soft hum of approval followed by a sigh in relief was all and more than she could have hoped for.

“Feels nice…” Beca whispered, her eyes closed while just enjoying the moment for once. 

“Glad you like it, I love it when someone plays with my hair.” Chloe said and let out a giggle when she heard Beca yawn.

“Oh, shit, sorry about that.” She apologised sincerely. “You’re being so sweet and cute and I’m just falling asleep.”

Chloe bit her lower lip, smiling. Did she just call me cute? A faint blush on her cheeks. “That’s okay, take a nap, the medication should be working by the time you wake up.”

“Mhn… I love strawberries…” Beca mumbled, clearly dozing off to sleep, the smell of Chloe’s shampoo clear as day while she took a slow, deep breath.

Chloe just listened while Beca’s breathing slowly evened out, a clear sign for the brunette that she did indeed fall asleep. She shifted her position slightly, only enough for her to look down and watch the woman she loved sleep peacefully. The walls around Beca, even though still present, Chloe managed to finally get to the other side and see the real Beca.

Her face showed no signs of pain or discomfort anymore now that she slept and cuddled up against Chloe. The older Bella couldn’t help herself and carefully cupped Beca’s cheek and to her surprise, the DJ smiled ever so slightly at the touch. Letting out the softest ‘mhn’.

Jesus, how can someone be this cute… Chloe swallowed hard when her eyes moved to Beca’s lips. It would be the easiest thing to close the small gap between them and kiss her. No… No! I’m not Jesse, no matter how much I..- No. Her hand remained on Beca's face but she placed her head back in its former position. Her chin resting on the top of the brunette’s head while she felt that sleep would claim her soon too.

Chloe stared at the wall, her thumb gently caressing the skin of Beca’s cheek. I wish I could tell you how I truly felt about you, Beca… She let her thoughts drift to the moment she had almost kissed the brunette during aca-initiation night.

Chloe was tipsy already when she had grabbed both of Beca’s wrists and pulled her in. She cringed at the memory of her telling Beca how she knew they’d be best friends really soon. I had to say something…! She facepalmed herself internally. That memory now is full of regret and missed opportunities. 

Beca Mitchel, the woman that single handedly turned her world upside down. The woman whose smile made Chloe’s heart skip a beat. The woman who, with a single look, could make her weak in the knees. The woman who could undo her with a touch as simple as holding onto her wrist.

While she shifted her position slightly to be able to look at Beca’s face, she felt her heart break. She let her eyes flutter shut, her friends face the last thing on her mind as sleep finally claimed her too.

The woman I’m so desperately in love with, it hurts.

@chloebeale 

[theheartsmistakes]

The Last Night Part XXVIII

*Warning: Mild Adult Content at the end of this chapter.*

Cordelia sat upon the chaise lounge staring wonderingly into the flickering red and orange curls of the fire the maid had just added fresh wood to. Her eyes felt like cotton, no matter how many times she blinked. She could not erase the images of Tatiana Blackthorn’s story in her mind. Images of Belial— of Lucie— doing horrible things to this world under his control.

She thought of her dearest friend and the years of secrets she’d managed to keep well within herself. Secrets Cordelia could only wish Lucie would have felt comfortable enough to share with Cordelia, of all people.

Despite herself, she could not help but wonder whatever she’d done to cause Lucie to feel she could not trust her with such sacred information. Perhaps she could have been of more help.

But then how could she judge her friend for harboring secrets when Cordelia herself had plenty of secrets of her own. Perhaps they could have helped each other.

As her mother was always preaching, it doesn’t do to dwell on the past. The future can be changed.

The old grandfather clock in the study rang eleven times marking the hour. She’d left the drawing-room to allow the Herondale’s their space to discuss the rescue of Lucie; however, no one seemed to have a logical plan without knowing exactly how to access her. James took Matthew and Christopher aside to fill them in on the details of the afternoon.

Not wishing to be in the way or draw attention to herself, Cordelia snuck away into the study and found herself curling up on the sofa for the past hour.

When her legs had grown stiff and the fire had dwindled to a pile of flickered black coal at the bottom, the door to the study creaked open on aged hinges.

The firelight created shadows over James’s face making him look more beautiful than he already was. His eyes had lost the spark they used to hold except when they fell upon Cordelia. Even know as his gaze found her on the lounge, his shoulders dropped away from his ears and a small smile lifted at the corners of his mouth. Her heart sped up just a bit. “There you are,” he said. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Cordelia smiled as much as she could manage and pulled the throw blanket up over her shoulder.

“You slipped away without telling anyone.” He came to stand beside the end of the lounge where Cordelia’s bare feet rested.

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said and filled her lungs. “I wanted your family to have a moment to talk. I did not want to be in the way.”

“Cordelia,” said James and slowly sank onto the edge of the lounge. “You are never in the way. Lucie is as much your family as she is my own.”

“Thank you for saying that,” said Cordelia, “But I cannot help—“ The words trapped in her throat.

James tenderly and without hesitation reach up and brushed a fallen strand of hair away from her face. His finger curled underneath her chin and he lifted her eyes to meet his own.

“I know what troubles you,” he said, his golden eyes flickered across her face. “They are the same troubles as my own. But this is not your fault.”

Cordelia exhaled sharply. “If I just been more available to her.”

“No.” James cupped her face between his hands. “Lucie still would have kept her secrets and Belial would have gone even farther to acquire her, even so far as removing one of us from his way.”

Cordelia nodded and pressed her cheek into his palm. “I just feel so useless. I want to go after her— I want to do something.”

“As do I,” said James. “But after what Tatiana said, Magnus assured us that the best thing we can do is prepare for Belial’s first strike. If he’s already possessed Lucie then we must find a way to separate them. If she’s managed to fight him away, then we’ll be ready to assist her. Whatever the case, we must wait.”

She hated waiting. Never having been very good at it in her short seventeen years.

“She must be so scared,” said Cordelia, imagining her time alone with Belial. It’d been the most terrifying experience of her life second to almost losing James.

James took her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. “If I know anything about my sister, she is not making this time pleasant for Belial. I would almost be more concerned for his sanity rather than her own.”

“Are you trying to make light of this situation?”

James scowled. “On the contrary, I’m being quite serious.” He turned on his hip and stretched his legs out beside Cordelia. The chase lounge was just large enough to hold them both. It still felt odd to be alone with James without a chaperone, as if someone were to walk in on the two of them she’d still find her reputation compromised in some way, but then she remembered that her reputation had been quite compromised in all the ways it counted. For this man, she’d found herself in ruin. For this man, she’d given up the life dreamed and worked for her. And for this man, she’d do it again.

To offer him comfort; to offer him what strength she could give him, she’d do it again.

And tonight it seemed they needed both from each other. James leaned his head back and looked up at the wallpapered ceiling.

“Where has everyone gone off to?” She asked, tucking herself closer to his arm.

“My father and mother have gone to Henry and Charlotte’s to inform the Consul of Belial’s plan,” said James as if recited a list. “Grace and Jesse are with the Silent Brothers. Matthew and Christopher were called to report to Charles about today’s patrol. Nothing interesting to report except for a rouge Deatrix demon that was living in the sewers in Bath and a rogue werewolf with a mighty big temper. Alastair took your mother to a secondary location in case Belial decides to come here first and Thomas went with him, I believe. That’s about everyone. No one could find you to invite you along.”

“Oh James, you shouldn’t have stayed on my account,” said Cordelia. “I would have been perfectly all right.”

“Of that, I have no doubt,” said James. “In truth, I wanted to stay behind. My mother has enough to handle with my father and the consul, whom I’m sure he’ll share some choice words with if they so much as attempt to condemn or criticize my mother for the kidnapping of Lucie. She did not need my company there as well. And I did not go with Matthew and Christopher on patrol as you well know, so I would have had nothing to report.”

“Is that all?”

“And…” James turned to look at Cordelia. “I much prefer your presence over any of theirs.” His eyes drifted down to Cordelia’s mouth and lingered there a moment before he met her gaze again. When he moved closer towards her, the warmth of his breath brushed against her lips, and she did not move. A silent, welcoming answer to his question. His mouth covered hers in a kiss that started soft and tender. She felt his hand slide across her waist to wrap around her back and he pulled her closer, deepening the kiss.

A quickening fluttered in her core as his hand moved over her hip and down her thigh.

She felt as if she could scarcely breathe. She needed, wanted him closer. As if in response to some inner demand, her hands slid from the curve of his jaw, down the plains of his chest where muscles and bones contracted beneath the thin fabric of his shirt. Her fingers found the hem and the soft, warm skin that lie beneath.

James shuddered.

“I’m sorry,” she said breathlessly.

He chuckled against her mouth. “Your fingers are cold.” He held her hand where it was against his abdomen. The lines and peaks of each muscle that could be felt along her fingertips had her breathing erratic again.

“A thought for a thought, Cordelia,” whispered James.

She did want to expose what she was thinking.

She looked up at him. His pupils were dilated making his eyes more black than gold. He watched her for a long moment, his eyes following the flick of her tongue over her bottom lip. “Cordelia. You’ve started calling me Cordelia— not Daisy. Why?”

His hand tightened around her own stopping its trail right above her heart. “When I gave you that nickname, we were but children. Whenever I saw you thereafter, I pictured you amongst those delicate flowers. But we are not children anymore. Ever since that moment I watched dance at the Hell Ruelle, Daisy just didn’t seem appropriate anymore. I look at you now and I can scarcely breathe. I look at you and I think about wanting you so badly that I have trouble concentrating on little else. I think about how I almost lost you and what I would do if I ever did.”

Her heart stumbled a beat. She no longer knew what to do with her arms, her legs, her face. She steeled her spine for what she was about to say, “I’m thinking— I’m thinking how if this is to be our last night alive— the last night we have with one another, then there is no one else in the world that I’d rather be spending it with. I’ve loved you since I was a little girl. And to hear you say such things… God, it feels as if I might burst. And given the current situation, considering our efforts should be focused on Lucie, perhaps that makes me a terrible person or a woman worthy of ruin—“

“It doesn’t,” he said and pressed his forehead against hers. “For tonight, there are no expectations, I just want to hold you. I want you as close as you’ll allow me.”

Cordelia sank closer into him as she drew her hand away out from underneath his shirt. She took his hand that was holding her face and showed him exactly how and where she wanted to be touched. The rough callouses of his fingers grazed the side of her neck, down to her shoulder, and over the full contours of her breasts, that felt too full for her usual corset.

His eyes never left hers as his hand kept moving down her stomach and only paused when he reached her lower abdomen.

“Have you ever—?” She blushed. “With anyone?”

James shook his head. “Though Matthew is quite vocal about his own endeavors, I have not.”

“Not even Grace?”

James shook his head again. “Grace and I barely shared a kiss. What you and Lucie saw that night was nothing more.” His fingers played with the fabric of her gown. “We don’t have to do anything tonight unless you wish to.”

“Do you wish to?”

His nose grazed her jaw and she arched beneath him. “I am yours, Cordelia. In whatever way you will have me, I am yours.”

Something hard pushed against her center. Heat flooded her and the breath was stolen from her lungs.

He let her lead for a time. Her shaking hands unbuttoned his shirt and helped remove it from his shoulders. She discovered every inch of his bare chest, kissing her way up until he couldn’t stand it any longer and he claimed her mouth.

He made quick work of unbuttoning her gown and with inhuman strength, he broke the small clasps of her corset ripping it open where it was secured at her front. When she was free, he took his own time discovering her. An exhilaration and ecstasy she’d never felt came over her with each tender kiss to her exposed flesh. All the while her body begged for more. For him to be closer. For the burning to stop.

When the moment came, it was not as she’d always feared as a young girl. There was a brief moment of discomfort, but she clung closer to James relishing in the way their bodies responded and adapted to one another. Then there was no more pain, only pleasure. At that moment, she understood why this act was so forbidden. Why worried mothers guarded their daughters and men climbed rafters and went to war. Because to be so close to him, to feel his heart beating against her own chest, Cordelia could not remember a time when she’d been happier or felt more loved.

Whatever happened tomorrow, or the days granted after, no longer mattered. For the night, she’d forget about the end of the world. They’d help each other to forget.

____________________________________________________________________

The grandfather clock chimed again this time with four distinct rings. Cordelia stirred besides James, his arms were banded around her, his breathing deep and even. He was already awake and gazing at the ceiling above them. His index finger drew lazy patterns across her bare shoulder.

For a moment, she wondered if it’d all been a dream. But from the slight, delicate tenderness between her legs, she knew it had not.

“Are you all right?” James whispered into her hair.

Carefully, she twisted to face him. His arms tightened around her as if to keep her from disappearing.

“Yes, quite,” she said quietly.

His eyes were solemn as he looked at her.

“What is it?” She asked. A terrible fear came over her that he might be having some regrets. “Did I do—“

“Will you marry me?” The words spilled from him and seemed to bring with a quick release. “For real this time? Would you be—“

Before he could ask again, Cordelia had flattened herself against him, pressing her mouth to his.

“Yes,” she smiled deeply. Without warning, he sat up so that she was straddling his lap. “Yes.”

His broad hands slid around her back as he kissed her. Neither of them thinking of the troubles to come.

(Author’s Notes: I have been so hesitant to post this! I’ve read of it twelve different times and even had my friend read it. You all can blame her for this because she said go for it. It’s not as good as any CC can write, but I thoroughly enjoyed letting James and Cordelia get frisky. Sorry for the wait! I shall see you next Monday 2/1 and we’ll be back to see what Lucie’s up to. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. As always, thank you for reading, liking, and reblogging this story. It seriously means SO much to me.)

[ironmandeficiency]

our love will (never) end

pairing: dogma / reader

word count: 3414

summary: all you wanted was for dogma to come back home but you don’t recognize the broken man that comes off the ship coming straight from umbara.the next time he sees you, he doesn’t recognize you either.

warnings: implied canon typical violence, angst af, umbara happened, lemme know if smth was missed

a/n: don’t say i didn’t warn y’all. no beta just me drinkin’ my dumb bitch juice

you’d spent more than half your life around the clones, had become used to their presence since your mother was recruited to train them in combat. had even helped with the youngest ones when they were fresh from their tubes, washing the fluids from them before wrapping them in their first set of clothes. the clones had become your brothers and friends, and they were much better company than the longnecks that occupied tipoca city.

once you were old enough, you joined them in their training. you learned their battle techniques, the subtle languages they spoke without uttering a word, you were one of them.

that’s why the losses sustained at the battle of geonosis, the first true test on the training they spent their lives surrounded by, wounded you so deeply.

days after the battle you were able to weasel your way into the records kept by the longnecks. it took you nearly hours to finish scanning the holo list of numbers, and only seconds for the grief to thrum through your veins, to settle into your bones. so many of your friends were lost that day, many that you had given names to, and your shoulders were aching under the weight of a loss that substantial.

then they were assigned to generals, jedi that probably wouldn’t care about who they were as men, as living beings with hearts and minds and souls that were far more different than the origins of their creation led people to believe. kamino had never been so empty as it had been once battalions were formed and assignments given, thousands of soldiers being sent to war.

the solemn emptiness took some getting used to, as did the togruta jedi sent to kamino to oversee the functioning of the cloning facility. she was kind though, and none of the clones appeared afraid of her so she was okay in your book. the one thing that you had yet to get used to was the fear you’d see in the eyes of a clone before their first assignment.

even though this is what they were raised to do, was what they were told by the longnecks was their only purpose (it was banthashit and you never hesitated to express as much), there was still a residual fear because they had seen brothers come back from the battlefield. they also knew that not all of them returned to their battalions once they left the front lines.

this knowledge was common, and there were many secrets told to you by long dead men about things that would have gotten them into trouble with immeasurable consequences. things they did to pass the time, things that made them happy like singing or writing poetry. it didn’t take you long after bonding with the clones as a young child that you realized that you were different than them, that you were lucky to be able to play and smile and be a child.

you lamented this discovery to your mother once. all she said was that the soldiers were dealt a shit hand by the galaxy and that they were lucky to have you to make it better for them. then she would tell you bedtime stories and fairy tales she knew good and well that you would relay to your identical brothers young and old.

but these days, you weren’t allowed to show the clones that kindness, that silliness that you were able to have with your brothers all those years ago. you were an adult now, and as such you would soon be expected to aid in the training of the republic’s soldiers despite a lack of actual outside world experience. you hadn’t left kamino since you arrived here as a child and had never used your training in a real-life situation.

what if you failed them? what if you taught something wrong and it resulted in their CT number being the next to show up on the lists of casualties? you were quaking with fear at the trust being placed in you.

which is why you were sitting outside during the kind of downpour kamino was known for, each raindrop heavier than your heart. no bother was given to your sopping wet state nor to the fact you’d get sick from this.

then you were joined in the rain by a familiar form.

“your immune system isn’t made to withstand this weather for very long.” some would have thought him to be uncaring, even callous and dickish with his words, but not you. this was the way he showed he cared about you — very seldom with those exact words, and never in a way where someone he didn’t want to know could see that he cared.

your eyes flitted up to his before returning their focus on the crashing waves around you. “my heart wasn’t made to withstand you leaving me.”

he sank to the ground beside you, the sound of his breathing being heard once he removes his helmet and lays it down beside his sitting form. an arm finds itself around your shoulders, pulling you into his side, a gentle kiss being placed against your rain-slick temple.

his touch warms you from your nose to the tips of your toes in spite of the cold rain pouring down. it was something he was able to do effortlessly and it never failed to bring a smile to your face. “i’m never truly gone, cyare. you’ll always be able to find me no matter where i am in the galaxy.”

a gloved hand found your shaking ones, his thumb smoothing over the top of your hand in an attempt to quell the shaking. you squeeze it in thanks and let yourself be pulled into his lap by it, your face quick to nuzzle into his neck.

“promise me you’ll be safe, dogma.”

“of course, my love.”

when he joined the five-oh-first comms were as frequent as possible, and when you weren’t able to talk to him, your eyes would be glued to the casualty reports that made their way to kamino. his number was never among the most of the dead, thank the stars, and that knowledge would sustain you until he would finally have the chance to talk to you again.

it was late into the night cycle when your private channel beeped, signifying an incoming call from dogma.

“that last mission… it was rough, cyare. i’m sorry i couldn’t comm you sooner.”

“never apologize, i know it’s not easy out there.”

dogma could never grow tired of the way you were so patient for him, for the things he did day in and day out. it made what he was about to say even harder for him.

“this next mission isn’t going to have any free time, we’re being sent planetside on umbara within two rotations. i don’t know how long the planetary takeover will last, but there won’t be a moment where we’re not unconscious or fighting. i won’t be able to talk for a while, my light. please understand.” he sounded almost in tears, like there was a lump in his throat trying to keep the words from escaping, to keep from hurting you.

you didn’t like to hear him like that. your strong and brave dogma crippled by emotion was never a comforting experience, especially when you couldn’t hold him and guide him out of the dark spaces his mind crawled into.

“never feel guilty for doing your duty, for keeping your brothers safe. just be sure you come home to me when your duty is done.”

“i’ll always come home to you, i swear it.”

the longnecks were in a tizzy three days later, rambling about a defect on the front lines. the sounds of a panicked kaminiise was not a sound you thought you’d ever hear again after what happened on christophsis. you eavesdropped plenty but you could never catch a CT number or a planet or a battalion name which infuriated you to no end. it was time to check the most recent records to see if you could find something there.

the morning cycle was minutes from beginning when you made your way to an unrestricted holoscreen where several reports were pulled up. your eyes scanned the writing; there was the familiar list of the dead, several more numbers sending waves of grief to crash against your soul.

information about how three members of the five-oh-first defied orders and flew umbaran ships in a successful attempt to destroy the separatist ship giving supplies to the enemy, and the death of one of the troopers involved in the unsanctioned air raid, one ct-6969 — hardcase. another wave crashed against your weary heart and was beginning to turn your insides into a hurricane that kamino’s oceans could only dream of rivaling.

there were details about the botched execution of two clones who defied the aforementioned direct orders from a general pong krell, ct-27-5555 and ct-5597 — fives and jesse.

pong krell wasn’t dogma’s general, wasn’t the general of the boys in blue. that was anakin skywalker and dogma spoke highly of his jedi general the few times he was brought up in conversations. pong krell, even though you’d never had the displeasure of meeting the besalisk in person, knew of his reputation.

he was cruel and vicious, using the lives of those under his command as rungs on his own ladder of wartime success. many of the brothers you loved perished under his commands and his name was an eyesore.

most jarring was the depiction of how a clone shot general pong krell in the back, and how the clone’s sentence was to be decided upon once they arrived on kamino.

that meant one of three things: euthanization, reconditioning, and experimentation followed by one of the former options. none of them are by any means pleasant, but you hoped for that trooper’s sake that they were allowed peace no matter their offenses.

but now one question remained: who killed the jedi general? why was his CT number not mentioned in the files? you had to talk to dogma, to make sure he was safe, that he was finding healthy ways to grieve the loss of hardcase, to cope with everything this report says occurred on the shadow planet.

“i know you said you wouldn’t be able to talk while on umbara but i just read the reports sent to the longnecks. i’m scared and i need to hear your voice for a second, just a second, please.”

“i heard about hardcase,” you sniffled and swallowed your grief for one of your dearest friends in the name of supporting your beloved. “what him and jesse and fives did… the death of the jedi. please answer me, i need to know you’re okay.”

“you know i wouldn’t ask this of you any other time, but please give me something, tell me you’re alive! tell me you survived the carnage of pong krell!”

“dogma, answer me please! you’re scaring me!”

“ner kar’ta, please don’t make me add you to my remembrances. please, dogma, don’t make me do it…”

“dogma… ni kart’ayl darasuum.”

fitful sleep came with you clutching your commlink against your heart, tears falling like rain. there was a good chance that maybe he was mangled beyond recognition, or maybe they haven’t noticed he was missing yet. there had to be a reason dogma wasn’t on the list of the lost and why he hadn’t answered you.

then your commlink crackled you life. “who is this and how do you know dogma?”

did fate exist only to torment you? that’s what it felt like in this moment.

“i’m not answering any questions until you tell me where he is and how you found that commlink.”

logic told you that the person on the other end was indeed a clone, but your mind was too jumbled for you to recognize who it was. you had to clean up the mess your love left behind you and dogma, anything to keep him from punishment.

“the name’s fives, the comm was confiscated when we… when we had to court martial him for disobedience.”

disobedience? dogma? those words may start with the same letter but they couldn’t be more juxtaposed if the words themselves put effort into it. then your mind reminds you of details from that karking report and you suddenly feel like you had been tossed into the roaring waves below you.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!”

the arc trooper grew enraged in his grief, in the horrors of what he saw on umbara and the audacity you had to accuse him of hurting his brother. “he did it to himself! he did it to protect us all from that demagolka even though no one ordered him to! when no one had the courage to do it, not even rex!”

what did your cyare do? your heart was in denial of the ideas your brain supplied because now they were leading to the same place.

“was he the one that killed krell?”

silence.

“fives! was he the one to-“

“yes! kriff, it was him! he’s the one who did it!”

dogma remembers the besalik’s traitorous admission and the way he manipulated dogma for his own benefit, to divide his brothers enough to keep them from revealing his plan. the way he and the five-oh-first fired on their own brothers, how their own brothers fired on them. naive death caused by what dogma discovered was the blind loyalty he heard others talk about when it came to following orders.

he remembers the feeling of the bracers around his wrist as he was escorted to the laat, the nods from his brothers as they give him respect he isn’t sure he earned for killing the man who caused them so much suffering.

the only thing that his mind doesn’t bring to his attention is the commlink that was stripped from him when taken into the umbaran cell, the only means of communicating with you without taking immeasurable risk.

he’s halfway to kamino by the time his mind registers that it isn’t with him and it’s the first true fear he’s felt since he was led into the cell by his own brothers and krell revealing how he manipulated every last one of them.

his thoughts drifted to what would become of him once he returned to the planet he was born on, the planet where he met the only sunshine he had to speak of on the shadow planet that sealed his fate. he hopes to see you before he’s punished for his actions but that’s uncertain. there’s no guarantee that you’re going to know he was returning, even more so under the circumstances that he’s coming back under.

there’s one certainty dogma has through all of this: he’s going to die on kamino. but if he’s able to see you in person and hold you in his arms one last time, then he’d accept death with open arms.

the last thoughts that run through his head as he’s being pulled from the ship and into longneck custody are of talking to you only days before, when things were still okay, when there wasn’t friendly fire instigated by a traitor, when dogma hadn’t killed a jedi.

his duty was in fact done, and he was coming home, but there was no guarantee that you would be part of that home, not after what he’s done.

you fail. despite the strength of your love and determination to find him, you don’t.

in all your years of finding longneck secrets and reading their reports, there was nothing on dogma. there was no record of his presence here and it was chilling. you knew the sorts of things that could be found in reports (and they were by no means pleasant), but if even these assholes weren’t going to keep digital record of it, it must be bad.

no one even saw the arrival of the ship dogma was carried in and there was no footage from any of the docks’ security cameras. your lover was a ghost, a wisp, a memory. even the cadets that dogma had known before he deployed (slightly older now, almost ready to be sent to the front lines) seemed to forget about their ori’vod.

it was as if dogma didn’t exist outside of your own head. like he was a figment of your imagination that you would conjure when the nights got lonely. you frequently drew his v tattoo in hopes of you keeping its pattern fresh in your mind because dogma deserved to be remembered. for his sacrifice, for his loyalty, for how deep his love ran not just for his brothers and the republic, but for you.

months flew by with endless searching, digging through files and scouring the base when no one was around. it was all in vain. dogma was no more; at least, not the dogma you knew.

you had found a new normal in your life on kamino. taking up the torch of training young cadets that your mother carried before you, doing your best to ensure their survival in a war built to destroy. dogma was carried with you always, but you stopped asking others about him, resigned to keeping him in your heart like a deep secret. what little hobbies one could find on the rainy planet were indulged as you tried to refill the time you allotted to talk to your cyare before he faded from the memories of his brothers.

since obtaining your new training role, many of the clones looked to you as an authority figure and not an equal. you were a superior now, and they treated you as such. there were no words in any language that you could find that could convey how uncomfortable you were with that, not when you had grown up with so many of them, had swaddled them when they emerged from their growth tanks.

although, there was one clone whom you called a friend these days that didn’t treat you with the same rigid respect his batchmates treated you with. his name was novak; he was kind and loyal and attentive, and if you squinted under the bright fluorescent lights you could see the faintest outline of a geometric v on his face.

that had to be your imagination playing tricks, you reasoned. you’re mostly sure you had seen that same shadow on the face of every clone in the days after dogma’s supposed return to kamino. then again, nowadays you only had this thought around him and no one else.

“got my assignment,” he told you one day over breakfast. “the 327th, under general secura and commander bly.”

“i hear she’s a great jedi, novak. you’ll be in good hands.”

he nods and hums in acknowledgement around a bite of food. there’s a look on his face that tells you he’s deep in thought and for a moment you think you’re looking at a ghost, but then his eyebrow ticks up and the illusion fades.

“my squad and i, we’ll be headed to felucia. and i, uh, wanted to ask you something before you left.” his demeanor changes. before he was casual, relaxed, and you had no idea what switch flipped that now had him fidgety and with the beginnings of a stutter. “could i… could i possibly comm you while i’m there? my batchmates are gone, and i don’t really have anyone else i want to talk to. but if that’s something you’re not comfortable with then you don’t have to do anything i wouldn’t want to cross any bound-”

a finger pressed to his lips ends his rambling. “novak, i would like that a lot.”

it took two weeks.

novak spent two weeks on felucia before he and most of his squad were either killed by droids or devoured by the various flora and fauna of the jungle planet.

the trooper’s last thoughts were of you.

he had been having dreams about you for months. they were of late night conversations through holo about things he had no memory of. time spent in the kamino rains holding each other tight as if letting go would be the end of life as you knew it. the love for you that seemed to have appeared overnight. you would never know these things, and novak regretted that until his last breath.