#a couple days ago I had a family member die unexpectedly and I’m just so exhausted

[eyescanbecruel]

.

[mydarlingklaus]

A Very Mikaelson Christmas:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I know, it's been forever but I've really just been relaxing and taking care of myself the past couple of months but to all my readers for "Black Roses" I DID NOT FORGET ABOUT THE STORY! I will update as soon as possible and I miss it as much as you all do.

This is part 2 to chapter 10 of my klaroline family drabbles: Meeting the Mikaelsons, and occurs before the merge storyline. Link to my ff page can be found here and at the bottom so PLEASE leave a review!

Happy reading :)

"Alright let's go through the list:" Caroline began checking off her clipboard. "Elijah and Freya are on food duty. Marcel is taking care of music, Josie's bake goods are in the oven, Hope and Hayley are finishing the tree and other interior decorations while Kol and Alaric string up the lights outside. Did I miss anything?"

"Yes, like an explanation for why we are doing all of this tedious work when we could have simply hired professionals?" Rebekah blurted from her chair.

Caroline pointed a fake smile at the blonde Original who was casually sipping on a glass of spiked egg nog.

Given that this was the biggest Christmas party she's ever hosted, Caroline tried not to stress too much even over incompetence. This was a joyous time and was determined to make it special. Being an only child with just her mom Caroline never partook in grand holiday gatherings and now, she had two families coming together for the very first time.

"I knew I forgot something, Rebekah you're on table duty." Caroline ordered.

"The hell I am." She snorted before drinking from her glass again.

The baby vampire breathed in and out through her nose to refrain from her fangs latching onto an 1,000 year old being's jugular.

In an attempt to make everything perfect for tonight, Caroline created a schedule of tasks for all the family members to obey, and hers was making sure everyone followed through with their tasks—she didn't count on confronting prissy Mikaelson behavior.

Over a thousand years of existence and they all acted like they never heard of basic chores.

"Last I checked you're apart of this family too which means you have to assist in some way. You can't just drink liquor all day." Caroline scolded.

"Actually I've been doing that just fine, thank you very much." Rebekah grinned raising her glass to the aggravated blonde. "Not to mention I've spent all morning searching for those impossible snowflake place settings you so desperately desired. You're welcome by the way. So from where I'm seated I've done my part."

"If we're being technical, all you did was pick out the pattern from the comfort of her bed while I was the one who actually had to hunt them down." Klaus announced walking into the room, making Caroline exhale into a smile.

She was relieved and happy to see him, not just because she missed his handsome face but because he was the only one capable of talking Rebekah down.

Despite the minor difficulties, Caroline was grateful the girls insisted on bringing thievery one together this year to celebrate Christmas as a family.

Kol flew in from California the night prior, around the same time Rebekah arrived from New York City on her private jet. Alaric had last minute paperwork to finish before handing over the keys of the school to his right-hand-man, Dorian, for remainder of the break—he drove out early that morning, alone.

Alaric finally accepting Klaus as a permanent factor in both Caroline and the girls' lives made their complex situation more graceful.

"I hardly see how that's relevant." Rebekah retorted with an eye roll, amusing her dimpled face brother walking up behind the chair to place his hands on her slumped shoulders.

"It's relevant, little sister, because you haven't lifted a finger since you've been here. This is a family day which means everyone is pitching in, no matter how much we may not want to. You're no exception here. I assure you arranging a few place settings on the table won't break a nail."

She shoved him off. "Oh please, as if you actually care about the holidays when you haven't spent one with us since Hope was wobbling around in bloody diapers."

"Rebekah—"

"You know Nik, It's okay to admit you're only agreeing to such humiliating labor to impress your precious baby vampire. We all already know the truth." She teased, smirking while finishing off her drink. The expression in her eyes could easily get under anyone's skin.

Caroline pressed her lips into a tight line, already sensing Klaus' annoyance beside her.

After all these years of being in Klaus' life—in some capacity—she figured the vindictive Original would have warmed up to her by now.

Obviously, not so much.

"Damnit Rebekah, stop being a brat and just fetch the bloody plate settings." Klaus groaned impatiently.

He shook his head when she childishly stuck her tongue out at him before standing to make her exit towards the kitchen.

"Where are those bloody daggers when I need them?"

Caroline sighed exasperatedly when placing her clipboard on the piano. "Oddly enough, that doesn't sound too bad. I'll forever deny that I ever condoned that."

Klaus laughed under his breath. "Your secret's safe with me."

The blonde's white teeth nibbled on her rose colored bottom lip. Both hands fisted into his black buttoned-down shirt, fingertips teasing the exposed necklaces before she leaned on her tiptoes for a quick but lingering kiss. Lips barely tasting the other before slowly parting, foreheads resting against each other's for a few peaceful seconds.

"Hi." She smiled.

"Hi." He smiled back while tucking her hair behind her ears. "I don't like seeing you stressed."

"Then you're completely unaware of what it's like to have a conversation with you." She teased, kissing his pouty lip sweetly. "But if you were any different I wouldn't want you."

"And what a shame that would be."

Their lips pecked against each other's again before Caroline let out a deep exhale, looking over their Winter wonderland home to see what else needed to be done—there was quite a bit.

"You're still stressing." Klaus said when observing the stress line in her forehead.

Caroline scoffed turning to face him. "Uh, yeah! The tree is only half done, the outdoor lights are probably just slapped on like a pile of meat and did you not just see me pulling teeth just to get your sister to set a damn table!"

He chuckled to himself, kissing her wrinkled forehead and rubbing her arms to calm her.

"Rebekah is the laziest vampire I've ever known and I'm sorry about her behavior but love, she had point. We could've hired professionals to do all of the decorating and cooking in half the time. I have excellent recommendations from our last gathering. Money wouldn't have been an issue if that's what you were worrying about."

"Seriously? Do Mikaelsons know nothing about traditions?" She scoffed.

"Actually no, we don't. To be fair me and my siblings only began liking one another two years ago."

Caroline's lips pursed as she pushed his hands off of her. "This had nothing to do with money, and this isn't just any Christmas, it's our first Christmas with everyone home together and I wanted all of us to embrace all the holiday traditions as a family. Which includes forcing in-laws to do basic household tasks like decorating a damn tree."

"In-laws?" Klaus smirked.

Caroline's cheeks slightly reddened as she accessed the weight of her words. Her sweaty palms rubbed up and down her burgundy bodycon dress hastily.

"Shut up..." She mumbled, slapping his chest when his smirk grew.

"Look, Klaus I may not have grown up with a huge family but I did have a lot of friends who took that place. We decorated trees, hung lights, ate dinner together, drank more alcohol than legally allowed and enjoyed each other's company." She explained somberly. "They stopped me from feeling lonely every year and I always said when I had a family of my own those traditions wouldn't die, and now I do..."

The corners of Klaus's lips turned up into a soft grin at her shy doe blue eyes staring up at him through her thick lashes.

Klaus stepped forward, grabbing her by the hips. "I like this."

"What, my distress or me bossing you around?" She teased relaxing into his hold around her waist.

"You being in my family." He clarified. "I like that you're mine and hearing you consider this your home. You'll never be alone, love and I'm very much looking forward to many, many more Christmases to come with all the ridiculous traditions attached."

A warm smile made its way to her face as she observed the genuine contentment on his.

It was just as surreal for her too, but for Klaus to go centuries spending every holiday alone to now sharing it with an entire family, she knew how much these moments meant to him. But she was just as eager to spend the rest of eternity with him too.

Her hands reached up to his face to bring him in for a quick but effective kiss

She moaned into his mouth when he unexpectedly gripped her sides, tongues brushing as they stole a few more of these rare moments.

They were both dazed as Caroline pulled away.

"Thank you. I guess I'm kinda into you." She smiled while wiping her lipstick off his bottom lip with her thumb.

Klaus responded with another kiss, this one more urgent and than the last. His hand placements more determined and certain as squeezed her hips, riding up the skirt of her burgundy dress.

Caroline giggled against his lips.

"Nope. We can't right now..." She whispered, trying to show some restraint inspire of her body's craving.

"Come now love, I haven't had a second alone with you all day. Indulge me." He persisted, pulling her closer against his hard chest.

"There's still so much to do..." Her defenses slowly falling.

"That'll all get done momentarily. Besides, we are currently standing underneath a mistletoe. We must comply with all holiday traditions. Isn't that what you said?"

Caroline appeared slightly bewildered when looking up at the festive plant hanging over them, not remembering hanging it up there before peering down at her smirking hybrid. The inner conflict roaming in her head already a thing of the past when her hungry eyes made contact with his full bottom lip.

"Rules are rules." She agreed breathlessly, her arms now wrapped around his neck she happily succumbed to the surrender.

Not beating his tongue from invading her mouth and fingers scrunching up her dress as the oral exchange deepened into a more passionate frenzy.

Her sexual appetite no better than his, especially when being deprived of each other for longer than 10 minutes.

"Oh for fuck sake! Would you two get a room already?"

With a low groan, the couple detached their lips but remained wrapped in each other's arms despite Kol's rude interruption.

"Certainly. Every room in this house belongs to me after all." Klaus announced.

Kol tilted his head with a smile, leaning against the living room's wall with a glass of liquor in his hand and ankles crossed.

"I'm no prude and usually would be helping myself to the view of your public display of affection, however, someone has to save my precious nieces from the emotional scarring." He claimed. "Not to mention, I've been tortured enough today from hanging bloody Christmas lights with that moronic human all day. Last thing I need is a floor show featuring Caroline where I'm not participating."

The blonde's cheeks suddenly a deeper shade of blush pink while she held Klaus back by his chest.

"Say anything even remotely offensive towards her again and I'll rip out your heart through your throat. Understood?"

The younger Mikaelson grin spread menacingly at the beading gold hue in Klaus' eyes.

"Is it a proper Mikaelson gathering without a few death threats? Happy holidays to you too, brother." Kol lifted his glass to the couple before skipping out the room.

"Remind me to snap his neck while he's sleeping tonight." Klaus groaned.

"I don't get why you're still bothered by his remarks after all these years. You know how he is and how much he loves getting under your skin because you make it so easy. He's harmless."

"More like a pest." He scoffed. "And his habitual inappropriate comments towards you doesn't make it right Caroline and quite frankly, I'm over it. Why did you to invite him anyways?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Because I invited the entire family and last I checked he's your baby brother, who you've missed more than you want to admit."

"Debatable." Klaus muttered, causing Caroline to laugh as she trapped his lips with hers for a sweet kiss.

"Better?"

He smirked against her lips. "With you? Always."

Playfully rolling her eyes, she twirled away from his greedy hands.

"And speaking of the girls Lizzie just texted that she and Sebastian are about ten minutes away." Caroline informed, deflating Klaus' smile.

"Yes, how could I forget we allowed our naive 17 year old daughter to go on a solo road trip with a boy three centuries older than her." Klaus muttered.

"She's not alone."

His eyes narrowed at her teasing tone. "Caroline."

She giggled, fixing the collar of his shirt. "Lighten up. I thought we talked about this. You said you were going to stand down as overprotective dad when it came to the girls love lives."

"They're only 17 and 18 years old. They're not allowed to have love lives, especially with boys as old as I am." Klaus scolded.

"Weren't you the one who was more than thrilled to agree to Sebastian spending Christmas here?"

Klaus' face scrunched. " 'Thrilled' is a bit of a reach, love. More like you and Lizzie ambushed me with the invitation. I'd agree to anything for her to be here even if it meant agreeing to undesirables staying in my home."

The baby vampire's eyes narrowed. "Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic?"

"Dramatic?" His eyes widened. "Caroline, this ancient boy popped out of nowhere. Has shown a sudden interest in our very young and vulnerable daughter after knowing her for what, a few days? And has her so mind-warped he even managed to convince her to let him spend the bloody holidays in our family sanctuary. He's a stranger to all of us, so forgive me for being a bit skeptical."

Letting go of his collar Caroline took a step back, letting out a loud huff as she combed her fingers through her golden tresses frustratingly.

"If I say something you don't like, promise you won't throw a fit and ruin Christmas?"

"You think I'm being paranoid." He concluded for her.

She nodded while crossing her arms. "Yes, and unreasonable, and a bit of an ass."

"An ass?" His eyebrow quirked up.

"Very much so. Babe, I love you. I know you have nothing but good intentions when it comes to the girls but you need to stop. You have to trust them."

"I do. I've told you multiple times that was never the issue Caroline and you know it. Can't believe you're still insinuating otherwise." He barked.

"Seriously?" She scoffed. "Klaus look how you're reacting right now. It's Christmas! We're supposed to be cheerful and loving towards each other, not insulting and yelling. You try chalking up this behavior to being an overprotective parent but it's more than that. Deep down you don't trust that Lizzie can handle herself."

"You know that's not true." He claimed defensively.

"When you describe her as 'vulnerable' and 'naive' it sorta weakens your claim. It makes me feel like you don't trust me either when I keep reassuring you that everything's fine."

Klaus' features softened as he observed the clear irritation and concern on her face. The wrinkle in her forehead that swigged out whenever they argued shined in all its adorable glory, but for the first time he wasn't delighted to see it.

There was no one in the world he trusted more.

"Car-"

She raised her hand when he tried to step towards her.

"You're an amazing father Klaus, the best even. 90% of the time you're everything they need, and I try to not be jealous about it." Caroline confessed. "But that 10% is for who they are as young women, the parts of themselves they're not comfortable sharing with you. That's where I step in and give them all the advice you can't, like boys and hormones. Hard to believe but there are some things even Klaus Mikaelson isn't an expert on."

Klaus swallowed, feeling more guilty and ridiculous by the second despite Caroline's attempt at lightening the situation with a smile.

"Lizzie is doing good. She's stable and happy for the first time in so long and has no interests of messing up her progress. I know you worry and want to protect her but if she's ever going to be the free-spirited adventurer you always imagined her to be, you have to let her grow on her own. Let her make mistakes and be as normal of a teenager as she can. Believe me when I say nothing ruins the relationship between a father and daughter more than telling her she can't see the boy she likes."

Klaus winced imagining his bond with Lizzie being served over something as irrelevant as a stupid vampire boy.

Being in control of all aspects of his life was how he refrained from completely losing his mind. He was a leader, King of the French Quarter kingdom but these weren't his hybrid soldiers he could command—they were his family.

He nearly lost one daughter for not being there when she needed him, he couldn't make that same mistake with another—no matter the intentions.

"Bloody hell..." he groaned, tugging at his curls. "I've been a proper prick, haven't I?"

Caroline's eyes shifted upwards, pretending to ponder. "Only a little." She said while making Klaus lightly chuckle under his breath.

Biting her bottom lip she cautiously stepped towards him.

"We're not welcoming him into the family, just getting to know him. He makes Lizzie happy so we owe it to her to at least give him a chance." She said, grabbing his hands into hers and caressing the base with her thumb, feeling all the built up tension slowly being released from his body and the situation.

He tilted her chin up, making her crystallized blues peer into his. Her hands rested on his biceps while his free one tightly wrapped around her waist.

"I do trust you, more than anyone. Please tell me you know that." Klaus desperately pleaded.

Her eyes wandered his worried face and heart ached at his desperate tone.

Over the course of their relationship Caroline felt she had to jump through multiple hoops to smother Klaus with reassurance. Deep down she understood his insecurities about their relationship—if she was confident in choosing him and not hating herself for it—but she had some of her own as well, especially when it came to being a good mother.

Caroline slowly nodded.

"I know, but it's nice to hear you say it too." A soft smile made its way to her face.

Her arms circled around him before pulling her hybrid in for a kiss that dissipated the claustrophobic tension.

Klaus squeezed her hips as the kiss transitioned from languidly and slow to passionate and purposeful.

Their lips, warm and soft as they exhaled into each other's mouths. Standing underneath the mistletoe without a care in the world of who in their nosey family could walk in on them.

They were each other's last eternal love and were not going to hide it from anyone—especially during the happiest time of the year.

Caroline gripped his biceps again, softly moaning as she opened her mouth to him and Klaus was all too eager to comply to the request.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

The doorbell rang before their tongues could even touch.

"Ignore it." Klaus groaned while going in for another kiss.

"We can't just ignore the door." She weakly retorted as their lips hovered.

"Sweetheart there's a at least six other people in this house. Let them feel useful." He mused when his thumb released her bottom lip from the clutches of her teeth.

Caroline was on the verge of complying until the buzz of her cell phone on the piano distracted them both.

"What is with all the bloody interruptions?" Klaus groaned.

The baby vampire giggled as she wiggled out of his embrace to check the bright screen.

"Our daughter is the interruption. She and Sebastian are right outside. Try to play nice." Caroline encouraged, grinning into another quick kiss before walking towards the front door.

Klaus felt a surge of panic run through his body as he watched from afar as Caroline opened the door.

Her face lighting up at the sight of the young blonde girl in the doorway, pulling her teeth in for a tight hug that visibly embarrassed Lizzie but he knew deep down she appreciated it.

A small smile began forming at the corners of his lips watching them together, knowing they were two of the four lights of his life—his forever love and daughter both under the same roof with him again. For the first time all day he felt whole, finally having all his girls together again, even if it was only briefly.

Family was something Klaus never took advantage of, not anymore.

He tried to focus on the tender moment playing out in front of him instead of the the smirking brunette boy standing beside Lizzie in the doorway.

Klaus' smile faded and fists clenched when Sebastian greeted Caroline with a kiss on both cheeks.

This was the first time he had actually seen the other vampire fully.

No denying he was originated from a different era, based on his ruffled white shirt, boots and blazer like a pirate. Lizzie explained that Sebastian was desiccated as a teenager but he still had a mature aura that made Klaus uncomfortable. His features so sharp and defined, it made him seem much older than he claimed. Too mature for a newly 17 year old girl to be with—Klaus thought.

"And these are for you, Headmistress Forbes. Elizabeth informed me that you fancy white lilies."

Klaus overheard the youngster using his charm on Caroline and based on her flattered reaction and an 'aw you didn't have to' quickly following, it seemed to be working.

-I hate this.

Klaus's chest compressed as the three began walking towards him with beaming smiles on all faces except the boy. Instantly noticing the young couple's fingers interlocked together while Lizzie and Caroline talked and Sebastian's eyes wandered around the mansion curiously.

-I really hate this...

He let out a deep exhale as a smile shaped his lips as the enthusiastic young witch skipped into his arms.

"Merry Christmas Klaus!" Lizzie beamed as their hug tightened.

The nerves that had piled up in Klaus' throat dissipated at the warm greeting from just one of the four lights in his life. It was difficult to imagine the centuries he went without physical affection given how habitual the act was now.

It had barely been two months since he last saw Lizzie but it felt like forever now that she was back home—her real home.

Rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head, Klaus slightly pulled away with one arm still around her.

"Merry Christmas sweetheart. How was the drive?"

"Great. I mean, Uncle Damon's burnt down Camaro is as ancient as he is and I nearly broke a nail operating the stick shift, but overall no complaints."

Klaus nodded his head, making a mental note to dispose of the Salvatore hand-me-down and buy Lizzie a brand new car.

"All that matters is that you're finally here safe and sound." Caroline beamed as she hugged her once more. "Everyone else is probably in the kitchen, slacking on their tasks but they'll be happy to see you."

Expecting everyone to follow her to the room but instead stood in confusion as no one moves.

Lizzie's feet stayed planted, biting her lip anxiously while pulling at the fabric of her white sweater like she wanted to rip it in half

"Um actually, before the rest of our dysfunctional family joins in on all the awkward fun that is to surely take place, I want to officially introduce someone to both of you first."

Klaus felt like the wind was knocked out of him when she took a step backwards to join the young vampire's side. Trying to keep his temper at bay when their hands joined again.

"This is Sebastian. He's a new student at the boarding school and my...my boyfriend." She timidly announced.

Another punch to the core.

Klaus' face was neutral but his body was stiff as a board from the pent up frustration that came with watching your child grow up right in front of you.

He tried to keep in mind the conversation he and Caroline just shared—easier said than done.

"It's nice to officially meet you Sebastian. We've heard great things about you. We're glad you were able to spend Christmas with us." Caroline greeted him.

"No, I'm the grateful one for you Headmistress. Not just for allowing me into your home for the holidays but also enrolling me into the school at the last minute. I see where Elizabeth gets her generosity from." Sebastian charmed.

Klaus' eyes couldn't roll harder, even more from how much Caroline was actually being affected by such mediocre charm. Her bright smile and modest blush that were once only preserved for him now being used on a amateur immortal with accent was sickening.

"It's an honor to finally put a face to the name, sir." Sebastian said with a nervous closed-lipped smile, stepping forward with his hand out.

Klaus stared down at the boy's hand, studied it like it was a foreign object as the three impatiently waited for him to make the next move. A handshake was final, a sign of respect and approval—he definitely didn't approve of him just yet.

He didn't like like this boy and if it were up to him his heart would be rolling in the ice cold snow for even gazing in Lizzie's direction. But he owed it to both Lizzie, and Caroline, to prove he trusted her.

Drawing out a dramatic exhale through his nose, Klaus uncrossed his arms as he locked eyes with the immortal boy. His jaw set and body tense when engulfing Sebastian's hand in a death grip, finally reciprocating the formal gesture.

"Um, Lizzie why don't we go find a nice vase to put these lilies in." Caroline suggested.

"You mean leave them alone, together?" Lizzie laughed. "Yeah, thanks but no thanks mom. I would prefer to return to Mystic Falls with my boyfriend in one piece."

Klaus chuckled at the nervous gulp dropping down Sebastian's throat.

"Sweetheart I promise, I won't kill him. Go on." He assured her with a sinister smile he usually wore before ripping out someone's spleen.

Relieved when she reluctantly followed Caroline out of the room, he set his focus back on the bug-eyed vampire in front of him.

"Unlucky for you I'm not big on keeping promises." Klaus gripped Sebastian's hand even harder—making him wince in pain and jerking himself forward.

"Mister Mikaelson—"

"Except when it comes to my family." Klaus added. "You'd be wise to remember the only reason your limbs aren't scattered around the bloody bayou and heart remains in your chest is because of Lizzie."

Sebastian frantically nodded, groaning from the pulsating ache in his right hand when Klaus finally released it from his hold.

Klaus took a step back, dipping his hands into his pants pockets as he watched the vampire boy massage his own hand. The vampire boy who was spending the next couple of days under his roof, charming his family. The vampire boy who captured Lizzie's heart and knowing there was nothing he could do about it—to protect her.

He sighed looking down at his shoes. "Do you care about her?"

Sebastian paused for a few seconds before nodding his head.

Klaus pressed his lips into a straight line as he walked dangerously slow towards the boy. "Usually I wouldn't tell a stranger this but you're not someone I consider a threat, Lizzie means everything to me. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her and that includes torturing and mutilating anyone who dares to hurt her in anyway. Understood?"

The vampire gulped when he tripped over the carpet, now realizing how close their chests were to each other's and his back to the wall.

"She's been through quite a lot in her short life and doesn't need an ancient delinquent ruining how far she's come. So I ask again, do you care about her?"

"Me and Elizabeth had our issues in the beginning, I'll admit." Sebastian shamefully confessed. "I—I did hurt her, rather cruelly, and by all unknown good graces she found it in herself to forgive me and grant us a second chance. Deep down I know I don't deserve the your daughter's love and care but, she's the first person in centuries who sees me as a man instead of a monster. Who thinks I'm worth a second chance. It'd be senseless of me to not see what this could become and the past couple of months have proven the future to be bright. So yes, Mister Mikaelson I care about Elizabeth immensely and will leave before I ever hurt her again."

The hybrid shook his head, a small laugh following after. "I know that story, all too well." Cleared the emotional lump in his throat.

It felt like looking into the mirror of he and Caroline's journey. How they originated in hate and hurt. The amount of chances she gave him, the way they saw each other in ways no one else could and the frogs she had to kiss along the way before choosing him as her forever.

Not that Klaus was rallying for this boy to steal Lizzie away, but he was beginning to understand the their draw to one another. Thankfully they wouldn't have to face similar challenges but there were sure to be new ones, and he'd be there by her side—if she needed him.

"Well, I will say I appreciate your honesty."

"I didn't want my first impression to be based under false pretenses." Sebastian grinned with a shrug. "Though she tells me not to worry, your opinion about me does matter. The Headmistress as well but from what Elizabeth has told me, you two are quite close. She values your insights and opinions more than anyone's. Given your infamous and intimidating reputation, it was actually less awkward meeting you than the hairy mortal with a crossbow."

Klaus threw his head back, laughing hysterically.

"You should've seen when he actually tried using that contraption on me. Free comic relief. I'm sure he has one with your name on it as well."

Sebastian snickered. "Yes, actually he's already threatened me with it a few times. Threats and all, I'm glad she has a family who cares about her to this extent. It's refreshing...to someone who is foreign to such familial love."

Klaus understood this boy better than he'd ever admit.

Sighing, Klaus placed his hands in his pants pockets again.

"Come on. It's going to be a long weekend and you haven't even scratched the surface of meeting our entire family."

Link to my ff page. Thanks!

[fangirlyah]

✦ just an arrangement - Draco Malfoy x Reader (part 1)

summary: the return to the school year with the dark mark is hard enough, but now they must fulfill a more intimate request or they expect a happily ever after with an old death eater.

warnings: none

word count: 1,950

a/n: i’m pretty excited about this so i hope u like it. if u wanna be part of my (still non-existent) tag list for this fic, just tell me :)

a starry night full of light illuminated the sky.  very different from the humor y/n was holding. 

she saw herself in the mirror, immersed in constant pain, both physical and emotional. her arm, freshly marked by the dark lord, felt almost on fire, stitches and burns that were almost impossible to hold. thanks to her childhood surrounded by darkness due to the alliances of her families, she herself already knew how to create her own healing potions that sootheed her wounds for at least a while.  

she was only sixteen, but had a higher weight on her back than any teenager. she was not the only one, her classmate, draco malfoy, had and was suffering a life very similar to hers.  but he wasn't very good at hiding it, his thinner body and marked dark circles revealed his stress. but y/n was always a better actress, no one had ever seen the bruises on her arms, nor had she been seen decaying. on the contrary she was known for being one of the sweetest and most positive people with every hogwarts student. thing that put his hair on end, ‘how could she be so calm with everything that was going on?’ she knew a war was coming but he always saw her smiling sweetly at every person who crossed her path. how many times had he smiled that sixth year of hogwarts? maybe not one. 

but as he noticed her big white smiles, she noticed the lack of his. she knew what he was going through, his task was very complicated and terrifying, y/n had been lucky enough to be out of the instant murder of her own headmaster, but she had to be in charge of repairing the vanishing cabinet. 

they were not friends or anything close to the word, they were acquaintanced despite the number of encounters they had during the months, due to the similar connection of their parents. both only children, completely alone on their way to giving their full life to who-must-not-be-named. y/n did not want to be alone, since she was a child, she had tried to approach the blonde and become his friend, but he did not acknowledge receipt. 

"hello, draco! my house elf made pumpkin pie, would you like a piece?" a small y/n took small leaps in her freshly ironed dark blue dress.

"I'd rather die than try something of yours," an eleven-year-old draco disgustingly expressed to the girl who was just looking for his sympathy. 

a sympathy that, despite the passage of the years, she had never found. y/n had stopped trying, had stopped fraternizing with draco in the fourth year, when she had slightly begun to develop a crush on him. and she was, and is, smart enough to know that if her hormonal heart kept hearing his wretched words, she would have an almost irreparable broken heart. but it didn't work, because even though he ignored her, she couldn't get him out of her mind. and seeing him at least twice a month at her home, dressed in his pristine suit and his fine hair combed did not help. 

"y/n since when is your roasted chicken more important than good gossip?" millicent spoke with her mouth full of crushed potatoes, spitting slightly. 

"since always, millie" y/n was not at a time in her life where an adolescent gossip filled all her senses. 

"you're very boring... so, it turns out ginevra weasley is in love with potter!" 

"I'm not at all surprised, weirdos like weirdos" pansy parkinson, despite the years that elapsed, did not seem to forget her hatred of gryffindor and everything related to it, especially the golden trio and its own close ones. 

it was a Friday night and despite the icy weather and sun falling much earlier, the great hall was full of students enjoying their dinners. at the slytherin table there were most students, but there wasn't any sign of draco malfoy... but she spoke very quickly. 

"get up" a big, cold hand, adorned with silver rings and emeralds that stood out on his pale skin, grabbed y/n by the arm and pulled her with intent to lift her out of the seat. 

"sorry?" she looked up to see the blonde with a serious countenance, staring at her. 

"hey, we're talking you can't take her that way!" spoke one of her friends but it was too late, y/n was already standing on draco’s side, who kept holding her arm tightly. 

"shut your mouth, bulstrode" and with that, draco began to walk quickly without looking back, which she thanked as he would not see her in a hurry and almost stepping on her own feet. 

arriving on the seventh floor, finally, a large door suddenly appeared on a white wall, capturing the complete attention of y/n. draco did not hesitate and submerged them both inside the unknown room which turned out to be too small for its immense door. 

'the room of requirement' thought y/n immediately, but why did it appear before them? she wondered. 

it was the first time y/n and draco had crossed word for at least five months, since the first time they both attended a death eaters meeting as official members. she still remembers how her body trembled and as his did too, but the firm hand of lucius on his back almost held him in his place. she also recalls that their seats were facing each other, and that she saw him swallow heavily when, after the meeting, he saw the girl accidentally shed a salty tear. 

"may I ask you what we are doing here?" y/n’s voice sounded shy and calm despite having draco in front of her swinging from one place to the other, regardless of the small space. he did not speak and it had been more than five minutes that they were inside the room and the idea of leaving had crossed y/n’s thoughts, but she knew what he was going through, so she decided to wait. 

"you're my girlfriend now..." draco's body stood violently in front of her, leaving a reasonable distance. he didn't look her in the eye, but she knew he was serious.

"what the-... what?" 

"we have to be together, the dark lord wants it so" 

"since when?..." the confusion took over her body, even though her heart was screaming, 'your crush is telling you to be together, shut up and accept!' but it wasn't that simple. 

"in less than six months we will both be seventeen, your parents and mine were married at that age, and they were all already death eaters..."

"it's our turn" y/n thought out loud.

"we must not marry, just... be together...as a couple or we'll be paired with other death eater who's at least fifteen years older and I think we both know that's not a reasonable choice"

"I understand..." it was something they should do sooner or later, then they could split up and submit to some other arranged marriage. but at the moment they were both the best choice of the other. "let's do it" 

------------

the idea of pretending to be a couple began to really settle in y/n’s head a week of the event, when draco rested his hands on her shoulders unexpectedly on a sunday for breakfast time. she wanted to bewitch herself when she felt the butterflies she hated so much flowering. those butterflies provoked by him, which she had sworn to bury years ago and which she had clearly failed to achieve. 

her friends’ faces were transformed to the sudden change in the attitude of the prince of slytherin. they all noticed that they both slipped away from classes and most social situations over the weeks. but, they would never have assumed they were going away to be together, they were right. they used to escape because of the tasks indicated by who-must-not-be-named or because the terror and darkness had suddenly consumed them. 

then the weeks passed and their interactions increased, because they had to increase if they wanted to make it believable. 

the arrangement had begun in august and by that month, their only contact was some rubbing of hands in potions or small glances in the great hall, which however minuscule they were, they both knew that they should be noticed. 

"you're doing it wrong!-emm...I think you're putting more ingredients than the necessary, y/n" sometimes she wanted her fake boyfriend to be a better actor, his voice changes were notorious, but at least that day they were lucky to be sitting with crabbe and goyle so none of them noticed his weird voice changes, and if they did, they wouldn't have the braveness to ask. 

"I've made this potion multiple times, draco. to make it perfect a few drops of agrippa are never too much" the blonde’s ears were still surprised to hear his name, his actual name and not malfoy, come out of y/n’s mouth. despite his attitude towards her, which had not changed since the age of eleven, she continued to treat him delicately. 

"you've done this multiple times? this is the first time we are learning potions to close wounds" the last thing he wanted was to make the cute girl uncomfortable, it wouldn't show a good image for their relationship.

"I'm only curious when it comes to potions" but y/n answered with immediate discomfort, much to the chagrin of draco. 

by september, their hands were already united from class to class and their bodies were sitting together in the great hall for almost every meal, all of this causing a lot of whispers.

"your hand is sweaty" whispered draco in his ear, as they traversed long meadows to hagrid’s hut.

"sorry... is that everyone is looking at us and it's making me nervous" she wasn't used to being the center of attention, unlike him. 

"just... focus on me" draco gave a squeeze to her hand, making y/n think that, finally, the boy had given in to acting cordial in their false relationship. but his phrase wasn't over, "you must do well, I won't let you ruin this."

with that said, y/n focused her thoughts on draco. how he was holding her hand, how she had imagined this so many times and how he seemed unbothered by it. but he wasn't feeling like that.

it was only in october that they first had a meeting alone, only the two of them, with no audience present. 

y/n was on a sofa, very close to a large window pointing to the big forests surrounding hogwarts, in the common room. it was the early hours of the morning so the sun was orange painting the sky as if it were its own canvas, lighting everything around it, including y/n. her hard-covered book was on her lap and she moved it so gently that it seemed that her fingers floated. for draco's eyes it was something new. with semi-swollen eyes, a morning voice but perfectly clothed, he watched her from the other side of the place. he didn't think she was a morning person, so when he received the letter and decided to be the first to come down for breakfast as he couldn't fall asleep again, the last thing he thought was he was going to find her there. with her legs contracted towards her and her bright hair braided in a shedding way, was the first thing draco saw that morning. and for a moment, he thanked merlin for waking up so early. 

"it's time to go" was the only thing the blonde seemed to say, when he approached the couch where she was. y/n just turned around to see him. she knew exactly what he meant. 

[alyssabethancourt]

Look at me when you kill me.

Hi, my name is Alyssa.

I'm 41 years old, a mother, a writer, a dog-lover, and a great big nerd. Not too long ago, I realized a couple of really huge lifelong dreams: first, I moved from the Southwest desert to the lush green east coast area where there are trees, and water, and shade, and life; then, just last year, I published my first novel.

I am also a newlywed! After surviving a disastrous first marriage to someone I never should have been with in the first place, I unexpectedly met the most amazingly perfect partner for me in 2016 and fell just deliriously in love. We will be celebrating our second wedding anniversary in October. I never, ever expected to be this happy, or this in love with another human being. We lost a lot of time being on opposite ends of the country and not knowing the other existed for close to forty years. Now every second we have together is a treasure and it will never be enough.

My life is pretty good despite a few blemishes. Money is always an issue. My health is another. I suffer from asthma, polycystic ovary syndrome, Hashimoto's disease, anemia, dysautonomia, degenerative disc disease, and agonizing chronic joint pain possibly related to something in the chronic fatigue family. I've had multiple injuries in recent years that didn't heal right and still give me the odd twinge because I never saw a doctor for them. I'm also autistic, which means I'm vulnerable to another cluster of physical and mental health issues such as gastritis and other stomach troubles, Celiac disease, sensory processing disorders, depression, and anxiety.

Mostly I just get on with things because I have a lot to live for. I spend a lot of my time with dogs, which makes me happy, and every second I spend with my husband is a joy. My second book is coming out later this year, and I have plans to write many more. I'm only 41 and my second shot at life is only just starting. I have lots of things planned.

In April of this year, just days after my birthday, I had surgery to remove my cancerous thyroid gland. It was really scary to go in for a major surgery during lockdown, and it has been scary trying to recover from surgery in the middle of a global pandemic that, frankly, not enough of the people around me are taking seriously. However, I'm now cancer-free and my doctor assures me that my long-term prognosis is excellent. For all intents and purposes, she said, I can consider myself “cured.” It's nice to know that, because my road to recovery has been and remains pretty rocky.

Still, I'm getting there.

I'm telling you all of this because I need you to understand something. When you talk about the COVID-19 pandemic and you say things like, “Only old or sick people are dying from this. Healthy people are going to be fine. It only affects people who were probably going to die anyway,” as the reason why you think we should end restrictions, “get on with it,” and “go back to normal,” you're talking about me. I'm the “sick person” who will die or be left seriously compromised if I am exposed to COVID-19. The vague someone else you're okay with sacrificing, because it's not a real person to you, it's just a statistic? It's me. I'm real.

I want you to look at my face, and read my words, and understand that you are saying it's okay for me to die so you can go out for Buffalo wings, or see a concert, or send your kids back to school. You're asking me to volunteer to die so you can stop feeling like things are weird and hard and uncomfortable right now.

Let me be clear: I do not want to die. I do not volunteer. And you have no right to demand it of me.

I wouldn't say I “live in fear,” exactly, but I am afraid. Mainly I'm afraid because very few of the people I have to interact with seem even marginally invested in making sure they don't expose me to a disease that absolutely will ruin me if I contract it. If it seemed to me, even a little bit, that my community cared about helping to keep me safe, I wouldn't be so afraid.

Instead, what I mostly see is people arguing why they shouldn't have to care. Why I'm expendable. Why my death – which is completely avoidable – is actually an acceptable cost of them being able to do whatever activity it is they want to do. Why my desire not to die is actually an infringement on their rights somehow. I'm less afraid of the virus than I am of my fellow humans, who have largely made it clear that their indifference to death and suffering means they would actually prefer for me to die, because then one more person insisting on safety measures would be out of the way. Herd immunity, I hear a lot of the time.

“Herd immunity” means me, and people like me, dying for your convenience. Millions of us. I've tried to get my head around the physical reality of the number two million – a modest estimate of the number of deaths it would take in the U.S. alone to reach any kind of herd immunity. I can't do it. It's too big. I'll never interact with anything like two million people over the course of my entire life. I'll never see two million people all in one place. It's too big. And every single one of those sacrifices to your comfort is a human being like me: with plans, with loves, with dreams and fears and many more dogs to pet and trees to climb and books to write.

I do not consent to be your sacrifice.

I wouldn't say I live in fear, no, but I do have a lot of anger these days. How dare you demand my death in exchange for your haircut? For your Disney vacation? For your dinner at Applebee's? Even, and I'm sorry to have to be so blunt, in exchange for this one specific year of your kids' in-person schooling? Yes, this is terrible and hard. No, it's not good that this is what we're all going through right now. Yes, this is going to have an impact on the children that we're going to be dealing with for a long time to come. No, my death is not an acceptable trade-off.

It is not. I don't know how to make that clear enough to you. I may be one of the “pre-existing condition” people, but I'm not “probably going to die anyway.” My conditions are managed and I'm healing and I have a lot to live for. The only way I'm dying is if you insist on killing me. You don't have to do it. You can choose to value human life more than the convenience of dinner out in a restaurant. You can choose to protect me by wearing your masks properly and washing your hands and staying home except for necessities until the virus is under control.

There is nothing foregone about our response to this pandemic. The virus will do what viruses do, obviously, but this fatalism so many people have embraced toward our handling of it is bonkers. We have choices, and America has chosen mass murder by indifference as if there's no other way. This is me grabbing you virtually by the lapels and demanding to know what is wrong with you that two hundred thousand of your friends, family members, coworkers, doctors, retail clerks, hairstylists, and teachers can drop dead in six months and your response is, “Well we can't live in fear. It's time to open the schools! Let's get back to work! I miss concerts! Fake news!”

My name is Alyssa. I am one of the sick ones. I am full of passion and imagination and I have a lot of living left to do yet, and I am real.

I do not want to die, and you have no right to ask me to.

[spursnroses]

So I’m still trying to process what happened last night. I need to write it out because I have no one nor place for it. First, I am going to warn you that this post will contain triggers such as mental illness, suicidal ideations/suicide that involves a family member, violent threats/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, and family death. Please do not read if you cannot handle such heavy content.

Last night my mother ended up drinking quite a bit, and we got into a fight.

She threw a temper tantrum for a very stupid reason - her phone died and her only phone charger was too short because over a couple of weeks ago my cat chewed up her other one which she left out despite knowing about his chewing habits by the way. She ranted about wanting to kill my cat/wishing he would die. She then threatened to take my phone and break it, so she made several attempts to grab it from me, but I refused. It turned into a wrestling match - I tried shoving her off me.

Of course, I grew upset. I kept telling her to stop or that she was making me angry. She wouldn’t listen. She deliberately kept me from going into my room so I could remove myself from the situation. I finally gave up and pushed my phone into her chest: “You want my phone so damn bad. Here you go.” I walked past her into the bathroom to wash off the blood from the scratch she gave me in the process.  This made her angrier and shoved my phone back into my jacket’s pocket violently and tried to rip my jacket. She started to mock me for being hurt. She deflected by making claims that she was just playing around and that I always treat her she was such a horrible person and mother. That she’s an abuser. That I should go live with my “father” who never had anything to do with me in my entire life.

I tried to defuse the situation once again by trying to console her because I already felt tired by this point. I brought her a cup of water then she went to bed hoping she’ll just sleep it off. I was wrong.

She came back out and rummaged through the kitchen’s drawers. I pleaded with my mother from killing herself for however many times. She first cut her arm and her leg. She stood there in the kitchen with a knife to her throat. Eventually, I was able to calm her down. When she returned to her room, I immediately hid all the objects she could hurt herself with and she finally went to sleep.  For many years, ever since I was a child, I lived with a severely mentally ill and single parent. My youngest memory of her mental illness remains fresh in my mind - I would be six years old and get up in the mornings to make breakfast and wandered outside alone while she still slept in bed almost all day. I found myself terrified by her violent outbursts or meltdowns - I would lie through my teeth to avoid her anger - sometimes I still am terrified. She depended on me a lot for emotional support despite being a child; wanting to be the best daughter, of course, I did whatever I could to make her happy. People would constantly compliment me on how mature I was for a young girl.  I used to be highly sensitive during my early childhood - I would cry at the simplest “no” - but I think it had a lot to do with emotional neglect. As I grew older, I detached myself from emotions. Today I still struggle with expressing how I feel.

I carry a lot of trauma from life - my mother, though most of it is unintentional, emotionally manipulated and abused me for who knows how long and her past boyfriend who sexually abused me when I was five and six years old. Growing up deaf came with no easy tasks too. I already knew I was different from other kids when I walked on the playground with no friends. I experienced constant fatigue and anxiety.

Recently, I lost both of my grandparents who helped to raise me; they were my biggest support system. In 2015, my grandma unexpectedly grew ill and passed away on my birthday. My grandpa had early-onset dementia, and it was awful and stressful. He eventually succumbed to his bodily ailments in 2019. I watched and said my final goodbyes to both of them on their deathbeds. That’s when the drinking escalated especially since my grandma died. Alcoholism runs deep in my family. My grandpa, unfortunately, drank, his brother and sister also drank to themselves to death, and now my mother and aunt drink heavily.

When my mother drinks, she binges to the point she rages or blackouts. She has called in sick to work multiple times before because she’s so hungover. 50/50 of the time when she’s drunk, she’ll start picking fights with me. On a few occasions, it has become physical such as blocking my path or cornering me but most of the time it evolves into name-calling, berating, and guilt-tripping. She often breaks things when she goes into a white-hot rage. There are dents on the walls of the bathroom. A few weeks ago, she shattered one of my grandma’s possessions. She once ripped the front door off its hinges which I later fixed.  She sometimes brings strange men to the house, and last year, one of them crawled into my bed naked and grabbed my wrist waking me up. It scared me so badly. Thankfully he didn’t do anything to me because I jerked away and asked, “What are you doing?” and he left my room. I woke my mom up and had him leave. My mother still had the gall to say I was just dreaming it. After that incident, I installed a lock on my door and sleep with a tazer under my pillow.

I have accepted at this point in life it is out of my control. I can’t stop her from drinking. I can’t force her to seek treatment.

She always had a poor temper and suicidal tendencies though. It just intensified with alcohol. One time she took a bunch of pills with vodka and fell in the shower mostly unresponsive. I called my aunt for help, and she came over; so did the paramedics. She spent a few days in an institution for observation and treatment, but that never really helped her. This was not her first episode; she ended up there a few times - over a year ago her former counselor called the police on her and they came to the house. One of the policemen found the pill bottle with my name on it and accused me of giving my mother the bottle though this situation was beyond my control. She ended up at the hospital then transferred to the institution for suicide watch. She never became the better for it. She refuses and claims nothing ever helps her. Lately, I have been trying to distance myself from my mother. It’s difficult to set boundaries because she constantly crosses them. I have grown to become very angry and resentful especially towards her. My mother is extremely emotionally enmeshed. She depends on me for emotional support, but after so many years, it is starting to wear me down. I no longer want to feel responsible for her emotions. I honestly have no support system in place. I don’t have any close friends to talk about what I’ve been going through. My aunt is clueless about what goes on at home, and I don’t intend to tell her about it because I know it just would cause more problems.  Sometimes, I just want to scream, kick, and cry. My life can be literal purgatory. I feel very trapped. I want so badly for something or someone to whisk me away from this life. It amazes me that I don’t act as fucked up as I truly am.

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Days 28-29

I wrote a big long thing last night about how quarantine was going, but my computer did the thing where it shuts down unexpectedly and I lost the whole fucking thing, and I really didn’t care enough to do the whole damn thing over again.  But never let it be said that I can't eventually learn from my mistakes, I am writing this in a word processor that saves as I go, so if the computer fubars again, I can still inflict my ruminations on you. 

Yesterday was a very weird day because night before last I suddenly lost most of my sense of smell and taste. That would be bad enough, especially because I noticed it after I put the spoiled milk in my mouth, but it's also one of the most striking early symptoms of Covid-19, so it was good for some serious quiet panicking. I'm not horribly scared of the virus for myself, but I've been to a lot of doctors' offices this week and I would feel guilty as hell if I accidentally exposed some tiny baby or old person. But by the middle of yesterday my senses were basically back to normal and I never got a cough, a headache, or a fever, so who even knows? It was probably allergies. I usually don't get bothered much by seasonal allergies, but there was not enough cold weather this year, which led to a massive arboreal orgy that left Virginia buried in several inches of pollen this month. It's really not a great year to have allergies. 

Since I was feeling pretty good, I started dealing with the piles of donated linens I picked up earlier this week for kitten season. With no baby wipes or toilet paper to use on my bottlefed kittens, I need a significantly different cleanliness strategy this year. Tiny newborn kittens cannot urinate or defecate on their own for the most part, so it is part of the bottlefeeder's job to stimulate them at every feeding, which may be as frequently as twelve times a day. This means that the bottlefeeder spends a really significant amount of time being shat on by kittens each day. It's a glamorous life we lead. I was fortunate enough to be gifted four packs of baby wipes, a couple boxes of kleenex and three bags of assorted linens for rags, all of which spent a couple days in my car so any potential germs could die off before I brought them inside. I spent a couple hours sorting towels and cutting them into appropriately sized rags. Living in an affluent area  is funny because some people apparently throw out nicer towels than the ones I use on my human family. 

In other good news, my giant crochet hook arrived, so I was able to start working on my rag rug project. I have so many old t-shirts, and the piles of linen included kind of a weird number of pillowcases. Towels I can use, sheets I can use (we use them for trap covers in the TNR program) but pillowcases? Anyway, I cut several of them up into strips and strung them together into balls of rag "yarn" for crocheting. I started that project this morning and realized very quickly that I had underestimated the difficulty of joining together two balls of rag yarn, since the joining technique requires the entire length of one yarn be pulled through a teeny tiny hole in the other. Whoops. But my technique quickly improved, and by now my rug is nearly the size of a hubcap.  Very exciting! 

Today was also a day for me to feel extremely grateful that I have one child in the house, and that child is ten, and that child is not a monster like the horror stories people are telling. He and I made sushi for lunch, and I taught him how to spread the seasoned rice on the seaweed and put the ingredients on. He's not quite ready for rolling yet, but probably soon! We used the leftover rice for pudding and it was pretty great. Other than that, he spent nearly the entire day writing fanfiction. (He is my son, I am so proud!) This is a major accomplishment for many reasons, not only because he is following in my footsteps and being super-creative, but because two years ago I could barely get him to write a sentence for love or money. His spelling and punctuation is still not great, but he had a story in his head and he wrote it! And it makes sense, and he stuck with it all the way through! He is so great. 

Tonight, just a few minutes ago, I had my first virtual Red Cross call. You'd think I'd be getting used to virtual everything by now, I watched a virtual Maundy Thursday service this evening and washed my own hands during the washing ceremony. But it's hard to have a fire call come in and not be able to go there and look the person in the eye and tell them how sorry you are that this is happening. We can't even give them bags of toiletries because of contamination risk. It's also hard to conduct an interview on a wonky computer, using a phone connection that sounds like somebody is yelling down a tunnel, but we got it done. I did the interview from my home, then another Red Cross DAT member, who'd gone to the scene, ran the paperwork that will let them get assistance up to their porch and left it there. It was weird and clunky, but everybody is going to have a place to stay and money to eat and buy clothes with for the next couple days, so mission accomplished. But I can't wait til this is over. Hope all of you are staying safe and staying inside and staying busy. Stay tuned tomorrow for some fic recs! 

[ourlordapollo]

Some people??? Overshare??? To COPE????

(Cw: animal death)

(Tl;dr I had to have my family dog put down today somewhat unexpectedly and I'm sad, as you can imagine)

I had to put my family's dog down today. He was old and he had heart failure and we all knew this was coming but... Not like this

A snowstorm is moving into the western Washington area. I live on a very steep hill and the apartment staff doesn't maintain the parking lot (which is a BIG hill) or the massive slope down to the main road. I was let off work early due to concerns about the weather and barely made it home with minimal sliding and near-misses.

The idea was to just stay the fuck put with my roommate(s) and our dogs and ride out the storm.

Well, for the past few days, my dog (family dog who ended up coming with me when I moved, so. My dog, for brevity's sake) had been walking oddly and kind of wobbling and falling down. He also had some discharge from his right ear, so I figured he had an ear infection, and waiting it out would be less dangerous than going out in the storm.

He was way worse when I got back from work today and was also kind of twitching and breathing erratically. After a cursory amount of anxiety and hesitating, I decided to walk down the hill and try to catch a Lyft to the veterinary ER.

Cade, being the most ride or die best friend anyone could ever ask for, decided to come with.

The storm was still picking up when we got to the bottom of the hill and no one was doing Lyft or Uber. No one.

My doggo has congestive heart failure, but at the time, I thought the falling/wobbling issue was just an ear infection.

So we decided to walk 2 miles in a snowstorm to the vet to get my dog looked at.

He LOVED walkies and being outside and didn't seem to mind the snow too much, which I'm super grateful for. Near the end he got cold and I had to carry him a ways, but he mostly had a really nice time on the walk. He got to play in the snow and sniff new smells and pee on a bunch of new stuff.

Then we got to the ER and it turned out that his balance issues were due to his heart problems getting way way worse.

After consulting with my family members, we made the decision to put him down rather than force him to live out the rest of his days in discomfort for our own sake.

Cade, beautiful boy, was so super supportive and amazing. We walked down the road to get Boone some hot dogs for his last meal.

When we got to see him again, it was clear he wasn't feeling well. He didn't get as excited about the snackies and he didn't hop around or bark like he normally would. I know we made the right choice in putting him down. If we had walked out of that clinic with Boone and a new list of prescriptions and treatments, he wouldn't have been the same dog. He wouldn't have the kind of happy, active, joyful life that he deserved.

Still, it was so fucking hard holding his head in my hands and watching him die. Cade is so fucking brave and wonderful for going through that with me. I literally didn't have anyone else and he was right there by my side the whole time.

So, rest in peace Mr Boone. I know we made the right choice in letting you go, but it's still so fucking hard knowing I'll never see you again.

I just like. This was so out of nowhere despite his diagnosis. He seemed to be doing fine until he just. Wasn't any more. I even bought him a brand new sweater a couple days ago. I had no way of seeing this coming.

Still. He's not hurting any more, and that's what's important

[tayrae515imagines]

Lost Love

Requested: Yes by the lovely @messrs-howler (Previously known as fandomcupcake 101) 

Hey Tayrae! I know this is becoming a daily thing but I have another Sirius x Reader request. Basically in their sixth year at hogwarts, Sirius and Reader had been going out, but although the relationship seemed to be going fine and Reader had become somewhat of a fifth marauder, Sirius broke up with her. Time skip to order of the Phoenix the scene where everything is being explained to Harry and Reader walks in and like everything goes weird. Cause Sirius still likes Reader, and Reader still likes Sirius but Reader keeps telling herself that she can’t be with him cause he broke her heart. And it takes some time, but with the help of Harry (reader is his god mother) and Remus, Sirius and Reader end up back together. With this I would also like the prompts 61,64,66,71,72 and 80. Thanks!

Warnings: Cursing. Hurt. Sad themes.

Pairing: Sirius Black X Reader

Summary: What would have happened if there was someone in Harry’s life to  raise him and make sure he knew Sirius was innocent? What if you told Harry he didn’t do it? In this case he did, being Harry's godmother and Sirius’s ex you made sure harry knew his godfather was innocent even if the certain marauder had broken your heart when he left you years ago. You had since then let the pain numb and tried moving on. But what happens when he comes back? And what happens if he never dies?

Prompt 61-  “You broke up with me! Remember?”

Prompt 64-  “I love you! You dick!”

Prompt 66-  “You broke my heart.”

Prompt 71-  “Get the bloody hell away from me!”

Prompt 72-  “Get the hell away from them!”

Prompt 80-  “Stop please.”

Authors Note: Thanks for your request! Hope you like it! Sorry it took so long! It’s a bit different than what you requested but I LOVE HOW THIS ONE CAME OUT! I’m so bloody proud of it! Ugh. Let me know what you think!

“(Y/n). We can’t do this anymore. I-”

“Stop please.”

“I can’t! You know what’s coming! I want you far away from me, from all of this.”

“I love you! I’m not breaking up with you! I won’t leave you, Sirius!”

“Well if you won’t then I will! I can not stand the thought of you getting hurt, Voldemort is here whether we like it or not. I am fighting and you are not. Please, for once just listen to me, get away from here.”

His voice was pleading, desperate for you to listen. His eyes gleamed with desperation and his face was filled with worry. He wanted you to leave, to get as far away from death eaters and the order as humanly possible. But how could you possibly leave the one person who means the most in the world to you? Besides Lilly and the other three marauders, he was all you had. The thought of leaving any of them left bile in the back of your throat but the thought of losing him burned your soul. He was a piece of you, always would be. 

You were torn, part of you wanted to listen to his pleads. You were trying to see the bigger picture. With Lilly and James excepting a child, they needed someone to be there for him in a state of emergency. You and Sirius had been dubbed the title of godparents, but with Sirius fighting and a target on the Potters back, you were all that would be left for his better outcome.

The other part of you screamed, stay. Fight and help your friends, your family. There was no guarantee of a future so why not risk your life with your loved ones at your side? Why not die doing something good rather than live your life in vain relinquishing all you could have done. It seemed silly to just run. It felt wrong. 

“Sirius..I-”

“(y/n) please. I need you alive. I need you safe.”

Tears clouded his dark eyes mimicking the tears in your own (y/e/c) ones. You could hear the pleading in his voice as he croaked out the words, you could fell the panic radiating through his bones, and you could see the cracks in his heart show through his facial expression. 

“We are over (y/n). I want you to leave. Get away from here. Away from me.”

With one last sorrowful glance and a passionate kiss that burned in the pit of your stomach, he was gone and you were broken. 

-Years Later.-

The pain had come all too strong in the beginning and had since then faded, but it never truly went away. The love of your life had vanished into thin air much like your hold on reality which only came back into your shaky hands when Harry was thrown into your life.

James and Lilly were dead, murdered by the one Sirius had feared would hurt you. Sirius himself was held up in Azkaban for that murder in itself. You didn’t believe he did it, you could never think that about him. He was a good person, had a good heart and soul. He loved James and adored Lilly, anyone who thought he played a part in their deaths was horribly mistaken. Sirius was good. He always had been. 

Despite the rumors running around you made sure Harry knew how good of a person his godfather was. The thought of him thinking ill of Sirius broke your heart. Harry would often come to you asking about his parents in which you would respond,

“Your mother was amazing. She was kind, beautiful and had this air that seemed to follow her. It was hard to be in the same room with her without smiling. She cared so deeply about things and never faltered when it came to putting your father in his place.”

You let out a slight laugh at the thought of Lilly. Your gorgeous best friend.

“Your dad was much like you. He too had a mess of black hair that seemed to stick out everywhere. He was a prankster and always knew how to cheer his friends up. He was fiercely protective, always stood up for us. He loved your mother unconditionally, with his whole heart. Both of your parents loved you, Harry. So much they died to save you. They would be proud of the young man you are becoming.”

It was in Harry’s third year when he took you unexpectedly with a question that shook your world. Sirius Black escaping prison was all over the news but you chose to just pretend it wasn't happening it was just easier that way. Easier on your heart. 

It was on the train ride back to Hogwarts where you taught alongside Remus when Harry asked you,

“Tell me about my godfather.”

You had chocked slightly on the water you were drinking and Remus lifted his head to look at you.

“Sirius?”

“Yes. I want to know about him. You've always told me he was a good, but that’s not what everyone else seems to think.”

With a light sigh, you began,

“He was a good man. Is a good man. He had bad things happen to him but that never stopped him from seeing the light and goofing off with your father. It was in my fourth year when I meet him. He was known as the bad boy at the school so I vowed to stay away but he approached me one day and I fell. He was so sarcastic and goofy. He always knew how to make me laugh. He truly was an amazing person. I don’t want you to ever think otherwise. He may not have got to meet you but let me tell you something, I know he loves you. You are the product of two people he loved most in this world.”

“If he is that good of a person why does everyone think he killed them?”

“I don’t know what really happened I wasn't there. But I know in my heart he didn't do it. I think others know that too but it’s easier for them to blame him then try and see what really happened.”

You let your gaze drift to Remus who only responded with a slight shake of his head. Harry nodded and was silent the rest of the way to school. The train seemed to go by fast much like most of the year had. Because you hadn't known Sirius contacted Harry and Remus, you hadn't known of their plan. 

-A couple more years. Sirius clearly likes angst-

The mood in the wizarding world had become dark and worrisome ever since the news of he who shall not be named’s return. You still hadn't seen or heard anything from or about Sirius which caused a dark shadow to cast over your life. You were furious at him for leaving you, for making you leave but you also couldn't help and let your brain wonder if he cared enough to find you again. If he cared enough to want and be with you again. It had been years since he escaped and you hadn’t gotten anything from him. Not an owl, not a howler, nothing and that thought alone also broke you all over again.

At the same time you were asking yourself if you wanted to be with him again? If the opportunity arose would you take it? You were furious at him. First he had made you leave before you could even answer on your own, whether it was for your own protection or not you were mad. He knew how you felt about other people making decisions for you, on top of that, it had been literal years since his escape so if he was out there why hadn't he even tried to get in touch? If he hadn't tried then, why would he now? All this thinking was causing you a huge migraine, you thought it’d be best to just push it away besides how would you ever get your answer? You life seemed to be filled with a lot of what if’s lately and you were starting to have enough. It was to much stress and you were sure he was gone anyways.

Letting out a deep sigh you made your descent down the stairs of the home Harry, you and the other order members had been staying in. How you got there was a long, tiring story all that was important was that you where there now. You made your way to the kitchen when you heard mumbled voices coming from a room next to the staircase.

“She still doesn't know.”

“You have to tell her.”

“She deserves to know he’s here!” 

With a curious demener you walked towards the room and opened the door. 

“Who doesn't know w-”

The wind got knocked out of you and all the heads snapped towards you but your sight was glued to those familiar dark eyes. 

“S-Sirius?”

“Hello love.”

When his soft voice drifted through your ears you thought you might be sick. Angrily you walked out of the room and slammed shut the door. You were furious and confused, life seemed to be crumbling around you while simultaneously building its self back up. 

You walked outside the house and ran a hand through your hair taking in a shaky breath. You heard the door and looked up to see Remus and Harry looking at you nervously.

“You knew he was here?”

Remus nodded softly.

“How long?”

They both shifted in their spots avoiding your question which caused your anger to rise.

“How long?!”

Remus sighed and Harry spoke up.

“Since third year, when he escaped.”

With wide eyes and a hung open mouth the air left you all over again. 

“You didn’t tell me?!”

Remus spoke up finally.

“It wasn’t the right time. He was on the run. We wanted things to be right before you two saw each other again.”

He stopped talking and Harry took over.

“But then Voldemort came back and we didn’t know when or how to tell you.”

“It’s been years! Harry we have never kept secrets from each other, or at least I thought.”

You walked back inside the home and started to descent back up the stair. You were hurt, angry, sad, but most of all confused. You didn’t know ho to react. Did this change anything? How could they not tell you? 

“(Y/n). Please talk to me.”

You stopped in your tracks and turned to see Sirius at the bottom of the stairs, he was older now but he still had the same eyes and bad boy mentality about him that you adored so much. 

“I don’t want to talk to you Sirius! You left me! You forced me to leave you! And now your just back? It’s been years and you never even contacted me!”

He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his dark locks.

“I know. I’m so sorry (y/n). I know you've probably moved on and started a new life for yourself, a better life than I ever could have given you. But I missed you, I miss you. So bloody much.”

You stomped down the stairs until you stood in front of him, his eyes locked with yours and you felt butterflies but you pushed them down and let rage take over.

“I love you! You dick! I still do and the thought of being with anyone else makes me sick but You broke up with me! Remember? You broke my heart!”

“(Y/n). It was for your safety. I won’t apologize for keeping you safe.”

He stepped closer to you, his breath hitting your face and warming up your body. You let out a scoff and stepped back slightly.

“Get the bloody hell away from me. Just stay away Sirius.”

With a shake of the head and urgent steps up the stairs you made it into your room and paced for what seemed like hours until you finally had enough and slid down the wall. You stayed in a dark corner of your room arms around your knees and let out all the tears you had been holding in. All the sobs that you swallowed to protect Harry. You were just so tried of trying to keep it together, of trying to be strong. If there was any moment you were aloud to be weak this was it.

Weeks passed and you returned to the school alongside Harry. You hadn’t spoken to Sirius since that morning, you pushed the thought of him best you could. It was just to much pain and stress. The days however had gone by smoothly compared to the storm brewing in your mind. Until one day when Harry came running into your office with worry apparent on his face. 

“Harry? What’s wrong?”

“Voldemort has Sirius. I need to get him back!”

Your heart dropped to your stomach as Harry paced back and forth. You had an idea, probably a stupid one but you weren't thinking straight, hell, how could you? When the man you love finally comes back he’s just going to vanish again? You were starting to regret your pride getting in the way when you saw him. You didn't get to kiss him, feel his arms around you.

“You are not going Harry. At least not alone. I’m going.”

Harry nodded and the both of you along with Luna, Neville, Ron, Hermonie, and Ginny, made it to where you were needed. Once there you realized Sirius wasn't and it was a trap, leading the kids away from the death eaters you ended up in a small room by the veil. Spells were cast and you were protecting yourself and the kids to the best of your ability but couldn't help and let out a sigh of relief when members from the order showed up. 

You finished off the death eater in front of you, knocking him unconscious and you turned to find Harry. He was standing behind Sirius who had just punched Lucius in the fact, you approached them when you noticed Bellatrix lift up her wand and aim it towards the two men you cared most about. 

You let out a gasp and raised your wand at her.

“Stay away from them!”

You shouted gaining not only her attention but the two boys as well. Bellatrix snarled and pointed her wand at you casting a spell towards you, with quick reflexes you blocked it and sent one back hitting her but not before she cast one knocking you off your feet and onto the ground with a thud. 

Sirius and Harry ran to your side frantically they looked at you. You put your hand up at them.

“I’m okay.”

The rest of the fight passed in a flash and you were all back at the house once occupied by the order. You held your now bruised side but made it up the stairs and to your old room, sitting on the bed you let out a sigh. You felt a moment of relief and where in pure bliss with the silence until the door opened and shut just quickly. Raising your head you saw a frustrated Sirius he ran his hands through his hair and paced in front of you.

“Can I help you?”

The words left your mouth in a light breathy noise due to the pain in your side.

“Why did you go there? Why would you let Harry go?! It was a trap and you put yourself in danger!”

He kept pacing and tugged at his hair almost like he wasn't talking to you but to himself.

“Harry would have gone either way. I went to protect him.”

“But why were either of you even there!? You didn't stop to think it was a trap?! What possessed you t-”

“We thought they had you.”

Your voice was quiet and you looked into his eyes when he stopped his movement. His face held a look of shock and you saw fear swimming in his dark irises. 

“You still shouldn't have gone. It was reckless.”

Now getting aggravated you stood up, a small distance between you two.

“Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I just saved your ass back there! If it wasn’t for me you'd be dea-.”

He closed the gap and pressed his lips to yours, the amount of sparks radiating your bodies was incredible. You urgently met his lips and kept the kiss strong. Years of undissolved love and passion filled it and neither one of you wanted to stop it. He moved to push you against the bedroom door quickly but gently and you let out a gasp when your back hit the wood. He took advantage of this and deepened the kiss, his tongue searching your mouth. You kissed him back just as deep and wrapped your hands around his neck. Moment passed, slow but wonderful moments until he pulled away and looked into your (y/e/c) eyes. 

“I love you (y/f/n) (y/l/n). I always have and I am sorry for pushing you away but we are both here now, alive and healthy. Can’t we just enjoy that?”

With a nod you placed a soft kiss on his lips once more craving the feeling. You pulled away softly to speak.

“I love you Sirius Black, but you are never allowed to leave me again.”

“Trust me darling. I have no desire to ever leave again.”

His lips meet yours once again and you felt at peace for your lost love had returned to you.

Tag List:

@petah-parkah-and-potahtas @messrs-howler @xxladybananaxx @lesfleurslily @hp-world-imagines

[thedailyscourge]

Day Eleven

(of the 4th month of the year Twenty-hundred and Twenty)

An entry from the journal of a squire of Brookland:

Don’t count your discharges before they’re wheeled out the front door.

Turns out, three of the four patients I thought were going to go home yesterday never left.  One because her lab results very unexpectedly went the wrong way and the other two because there were some logistical issues with getting oxygen tanks delivered to their homes.  I’m not going to make the same mistake again, but when I left today, the oxygen had been delivered and another patient whose discharge was delayed yesterday morning was scheduled to finally leave.  So three potential discharges today.

Now, having spent five days caring for mostly very old regular sized humans, I have begun taking more and more ownership of these patients.  That term, “taking ownership” of patients is something that we employ to say a healthcare worker is taking on more of the responsibility of caring for someone but it means a lot more than that. It means you are more invested in the patient; you spend more hands on time with them and their case.  There’s an emotional connotation to it.  You work harder for them; you’re more a tune to the consequences of each action in the plan.  The victories are sweeter, the defeats more painful.  You go the extra mile. If mistakes are made, you own up to them and you shoulder more of the blame. I think, in some way, it means you learn to love them better.  Their triumphs are yours and their setbacks impact you on a personal level.

As time goes on, I’m getting better at identifying the patterns that exist in the work I’ve been asked to do.  I have a better grasp of what tools I have at my disposal and how my strengths could be leveraged to improve the health of these patients.  Today, that looked like two very different things that in some ways are a greater tell of who I am as a person and a provider than anything else.

The first comes first in the morning.  After getting sign-out on our patients for the day, I let the younger members of the team work on gathering the lab results and placing the necessary orders for each patient.  Meanwhile, I take a little extra risk for the possibility of a little extra reward.  Instead of waiting a few more hours to dawn my armor and visit the patients for the day with my boss, the lead knight of the team who comes in later in the morning, I go into about half of the patient’s rooms myself immediately, turn down the levels of oxygen each is getting, and see how they handle it.  Sometimes I even turn their oxygen off and see if their lungs do all the work themselves like they’re supposed to.  Most of the time, my bet pays off and the patient’s body has grown strong enough under our care that they do fine with the reduced oxygen.  In those cases, a few hours later when I come back around with the other members of the team, I can often turn their oxygen down again or turn it off completely. And that technique I’ve found pushes them further along than if I would have waited and just gone in their room once, later in the morning.  My strength here is that I’m young and healthy with just a 0.2% chance of dying if I contract the Scourge.  In my mind, I’ve processed this as a binary consequence.  Either I die or I don’t.  There is no in-between.  So with a 99.8% chance of a good outcome even if I contract the Scourge, I’m emboldened like a teenager who thinks they’re invincible.  It’s true, the extra visit in the early morning is an unnecessary risk.  In the scheme of things it saves us just a few hours of progress but those hours take place in the most efficient part of the day, the morning, and the way that time works in the castle, those hours add up in a way that could mean the patient gets to go home a day or more sooner than they would have.  And that means we have an empty bed a day or more sooner than we would have which ultimately means we can provide more care to more patients.

But there’s another benefit to these little “pre-rounding” visits.  After I come into a room and change the oxygen settings, I need to take a couple minutes and watch the readout of the oxygen saturation meter that tells me the level of oxygen in the patient’s blood.  While I’m watching those numbers tick up and down, I get to talk to the patients.  I say “get to” because this is honestly the best part of my job and it always has been.  I love to hear about where people grew up, what they studied in college, how many kids (or grandkids) they have and what their ages are.

It might not be obvious, but in my estimation, this specific conversation is one of the single most important and impactful moments on any given day in the treatment of a patient diagnosed with the Scourge.  When the patient tells you about their life, you subconsciously cultivate more empathy for them, a connection grows, and your sense of success becomes tied up with the improvement of their health.  Before, you wanted to “solve the case”, elucidate the details of the disease process, or figure out the best treatment modality to correct the pathology. In other words, you were seeking a sense of cognitive satisfaction.  But now? Now you want to help your new friend go back to work in that field they studied so hard to specialize in.  You want to help this man or woman get back home to their kids, to their spouse, to that garden they love so much.  Now, you want to be the author that writes the happy ending to this part of their story. Now you’re on your way to being an artist.

At this point, you’ve become more invested than you ever were before and more than you ever would be if you spent all that time in a room surrounded by other scientists just talking about the patient instead of with them.  And I really do believe that extra investment drives providers like me to give better care.  It motivates us to come up with more creative solutions to problems.  To try harder and try differently.

But you’re also still a scientist, and while you’re listening to the names of all the grandkids, you’re, multitasking. You know that as the patient talks and talks and talks, they’re actually exerting themselves, using up energy.  Oxygen.  And you can walk and chew gum at the same time.  Tell them you think you’ve been to that part of Michigan. Ask them to use their hand as a mitten like map to point it out. Meanwhile, you’re watching as the oxygen in their blood plummets… or doesn’t.  At the end of it you know about the grandkids, the lake house, the tech school degree, and also, more likely than not this week, that their lungs are stronger right now than they were a few hours ago.

I more or less pointed this out to a patient this week after our conversation when I told her “See, you don’t even need that oxygen anymore.  You need to go home.”.  She blasted back, “Hey, you tricked me!”.  

The second way the time I’ve spent on the ward this week finding footholds for my strengths materialized into wins today was in my communication with families.  Maybe it’s the pediatrician in me but I’ve always found I have a knack for speaking with families. I think at the core of that are the lessons I learned in what we call “motivational interviewing” when I was just a young page, a student if you will in the art of medicine. This training taught me to listen before I speak, to ask open ended questions, to identify values, and find common ground.  This week, I realized the family of one of our patients had a complicated family dynamic and was calling at all different times of the day expecting to receive consistent messaging for a bunch of different providers.  It’s easy to see why that is a plan for nothing but confusion.  So I called the family and gave them an intentionally robust update then ended with an offer: if they would like to continue to have consistent, in-depth updates in the future, they could stop calling altogether and let me call them everyday at the same time, once in the afternoon. They liked the sound of that and agreed to the new rules.  I think this was a move that requires a little more of me personally, but it cuts off a process of annoyance and resentment the whole team was falling into with this family and it stops a process of misinformation and anxiety for the family who would, under normal circumstances, be at the bedside of their relative.  

The two practices here are a prime example of my definition for the term “the Art of Medicine”.  To me, the Art of Medicine means that there are a thousand different ways of getting a patient from point A to point B, a state of poor health to a state of renewed health.  On paper, the outcome might look the same, but those individual choices that a provider makes that end up being one of those thousand paths are creative decisions that are not right or wrong, they’re not binary. That creativity is something that can’t exactly be taught in a classroom, it can only be learned by a student who is attentive and invested in the work.  A student who spends time talking with the patient, not just about them. You see, unlike many other essential fields, science for us is a paint brush; it’s a means to a hopefully beautiful end. You have to train hard to learn how to use that paintbrush and you never stop learning.  But no one goes to a museum to see a paintbrush.  You go to see the masterpieces.  And every once in a while, if you take a step back when you’re practicing the Art of Medicine, you’ll become cognizant of the fact that you are helping to create a masterpiece yourself.  

The tolls:

The City of New Pork (of which the town of Brookland belongs):

98,308 afflicted

6,202 dead

The Divided Realms of Amen!-ia:

528,301 afflicted

20,554 dead

We await the miracle prophesied by the Emperor to come in the 4th month.  

[angelmothman]

randomly my roommate decided they were very physically ill.. & I know that’s a really weird thing for me to say. but i’m not actually sure they are. Like, I’m sure they have some type of issue, but they keep making it out to be some dire life threatening thing where they could die at any moment.

a couple weeks ago they started acting like a bitch & called an ambulance. it’s not the first time they’ve done something like that, but i wouldn’t say it happens often either. I feel like the last time it happened was seven years ago maybe. 

I know they are under a lot of stress at work & within the past few months did sustain quite a bit of stress at home as well during the time we renovated the upstairs... but the upstairs has been done for maybe two months now i think, so it’s not like the renovation should be stressing them out anymore.

they said they used to work every day & never had a break because corona stripped most of the workers from the restaurant they work at. & it’s annoying because I had been saying the whole time restaurants shouldn’t have been considered essential & grocery stores should have just stayed twenty four hours. the whole thing is beyond retarded to me. 

i am disabled & was diagnosed professionally with a disability while I was a child. My diagnosis will never change, except maybe it might get worse, the reason I don’t claim full government benefits is because I have to see a therapist & psychiatrist for them to reassess me & have it on paper. I haven’t done this because I was worried about transportation, but lately I started thinking that if I enrolled somewhere downtown then perhaps I could take a bus? I am thinking about doing so in the near(ish) future.

but due to the disability my roommate takes care of me & provides for me. It’s been this way since we were seventeen or so. I feel bad about it, & I was planning to apply for a job at the general store up the street, the thing that had been holding me off was trying to orchestrate an appointment for one of my cats who has been having issues where she just never stops being in heat. Because we are poverty, neither of us have a cellphone & we were able to get a landline on our internet plan, so that’s what we did. But because I had to wait around at home for these calls I was unable to leave to go to an interview or even pick up my prescriptions.

The good news is that my cat has an appointment & will be going tomorrow, so after her recovery which will be about a week, I can apply. & I know one of my friends was looking for a dishwasher, which I don’t really think I want to do, but if the general store doesn’t pan out then I guess I’ll look into doing the dish washing.

the restaurant never closed all of Corona though. The number of staff slimmed to next to none but business stayed the same. Now because of unemployment benefits, people refuse to even apply to the restaurant, so they haven’t been able to get any new workers at all. The business has been slipping on a downward spiral for nearly a year now. & my roommate feels they’re carrying the whole restaurant on their back because the other staff member doesn’t do nearly half the work my roommate does, according to them. So to be kind & lenient for the over worked staff, the boss closed the kitchen on Mondays.. Yet, because my roommate has proved themself to be a powerhouse, they are now somehow working more hours six days a week than they did when the kitchen was open every day.

They are an unhealthy person with bad habits. They chainsmoke with cigarettes a lot of the time & had been an alcoholic for a few years now. The only thing that seemed to keep them above others was the fact they didn’t do drugs. But they have always had anxiety disorder, & their mother who is a native woman was allegedly diagnosed with schizophrenia which I know passes to the opposite sex offspring, but we wonder if she was truly schizophrenic since she was clearly an alcoholic & alcoholism can make people insane. Aside from that they had watched their siblings die of various unseen conditions. So it makes their anxiety a lot worse that they are always thinking they are going to die since their family died unexpectedly around them.

But they are also very stupid. Because if you’re so worried about dying from cancer, why would you smoke? If you are so worried about your liver shitting out on you, why would you drink? if you are worried about ripping muscles, why would you lift beyond your means? it all just irritates me. 

I had/ have anxiety too. I was abandoned as a kid & had to do many things by myself. I had admit to psyche ward type hospital with the hopes that there would be something that could be done to help me. I was young, around fourteen or fifteen. I was told I had anxiety & that was it & there was nothing anyone would do for me. Essentially I was told no one cares. & I had been told this since I was small. My mom used to always tell me the world didn’t revolve around me & that life wasn’t fair. She would always say it, so I knew life wasn’t fair & no matter what, it never would be. & I suppose in a way I truly appreciate learning that lesson so young.

At one point I had been enrolled in a dbt type of therapy. What you don’t realize when you’re a kid is that sometimes parents truly don’t care or they can fail, & it’s not just yours but you friends’ & your parents’ parents & continuing outward. That ways of interacting you have picked up or seen others pick up that you or they would find totally normal are completely the opposite & very bad & toxic & may even be repellant towards others. Dbt attempts to teach you appropriate & normal ways of acting that everyone should know.

So when I was in the hospital & knew that I truly was alone, I thought back on the dbt & tried to use it. I was dismissed from the hospital but with nothing fixed, told that I was fine & there was nothing wrong with me, with the new affirmation that you truly are alone in a godless & uncaring world.

I guess my roommate was spoiled to a degree. Perhaps in an attempt by his sister to give him the life & care that she had always wanted that was deprived from her. & as much as we all covet perfect & peaches, this ideation is also flawed. Because when you are spoiled, when you don’t know pain, you don’t learn that the world is truly cold, uncaring & always unfair. 

So despite my studies & my shouldering of knowledge to others, you can’t force anybody to learn or to retain knowledge. & I stand by the concept of learning by being burned. Because little was taught to me without first self immolating. & I have told everyone time & time again when you are tired you have to sleep, because if you don’t your brain will turn against you. & I know how stupid it sounds. But it is the truest statement. Because even I find when I stay up too long that I want to ki__ myself, that Animus/anima will reign a terror upon you. That’s just how it is. 

& they had been staying up late for who knows what reason. I know even I do it, I suppose as an act of rebellion against the self. But rarely does anything good come from it. & so in this state they lost the ability to sleep as the body & brain began to rebel. It create a whirlwind inside of themself to the point where they were sprinting through the house & frightening the cats. Practically running laps in a straight line between the kitchen & livingroom in this extremely tiny house.

& it made me really mad because if I were to act like that I would be told I was psychotic. I would be sent to psyche evaluation, which maybe I need. I was upset because their self rebellion shouldn’t be cast upon the cats & made their problem or made something to cause them unease & concern. 

& it pissed me off because stop flying around the house? I am just trying to chill in my own home, if you want to run then why don’t you go outside & do it? This house is way too small to be hosting any olympic sports or cross country track meets. When I had the fast moving anxiety, I went out & I ran. Why should they behave like this?? There is an entirely open outside that exists with roads & sidewalks to be run on that would not remotely disturb anybody... so why disturb us? it’s rude as fuck.

They pissed off in an ambulance for nine hours only to go into work without any sleep? Telling me the doctors told them sure they had bodily issues & they needed to quit their bad habits as well as stop over eating & eating only processed foods & meals obliterated with salt. They claimed they nearly had a stroke which could be true enough, it is possible & it is worrisome, but aside it all, it was all anxiety which I’m wholly sure came from not sleeping & being over worked.

For days they acted like a little bitch as they stopped smoking with cigarettes & drinking. & I wondered how long it would last. I did hope the fear truly meant something, because I don’t want them to die on me & leave me all alone when they have been my family far longer than any of my blood relatives. They are so annoying & stupid, but I would be truly broken & lost without them. If one day their existence just faded from me entirely it would truly change me on an atomic level. 

They had cut out many foods, to a degree I assumed was ridiculous. But that seemed to fall off after a week. & already they are smoking with cigarettes again. They tried to tell me “it’s okay to smoke a cigarette once in a while,” but I’m sure they’ve nearly killed the whole pack in a span of twelve hours.

They mentioned two days ago wanting to go to Urgent Care which they tried to pretend didn’t exist before even though I kept telling them they could go to Urgent Care rather than pay the obscene amount of money to ride an ambulance cities away. They were insisting their thyroid was acting up. They love to insist their blood pressure is so high, it’s too high, even though they have nothing to check it with. Now they love to insist their thyroid is out to kill them at any moment even though they have nothing to check it with.

In a way my skepticism is on the fence because Jim Henson wasn’t worried when he was sick & he died far too young from something that shouldn’t even kill people. & it’s very sad. So in a way I understand an importance to check yourself before you wreck yourself & that I can’t tell my roommate how they feel, only they know what it feels like to be in their own body.

But we as people who are wildly uneducated about health concerns/ issues don’t know what is or isn’t something severe. Even I have thought I was going to die or needed to go to the hospital when the only issue was constipation. The difference is I don’t act on it. I don’t have the thing in your head that tells you to seek help outside of the household. I only just did so recently when my period started to behave in a way that I believed to be abnormal, & yet I was told despite the fact my periods seem far worse than any of my peers, I am fine ? I was told nothing is wrong with me. Yet I can’t help but feel like that statement is wildly inaccurate.

So once more they have gone to Urgent Care after leaving work early after staying up too late. I am amazed how they could just leave their job claiming their thyroid was out to kill them & act so caught up in a whirlwind like everyone needed to stop & care for them.. & expecting everyone around them to do various form of care for them. Expecting me to take them to the Urgent Care when they won’t accompany me to appointments. Expecting their own boss to act as their personal taxi service. Being rude to the cats who wanted to offer them love, care & concern. How can you be so conceited?

I think about how horrible it was to learn the world was so uncaring when I desperately wanted anyone to be there at all, like I had seen other kids with loving & doting families who would do anything for them. But I learned of death young, as well as neglect & isolation & the hollowness of existence. I wonder about my occult practiced peers who I have also seen cry out into the void begging for care & affirmation of the self. There is no one truly but yourself. 

I was in awe & shame of my peers for behaving so foolishly as to believe they mattered on a cosmic scale at any level greater than being a shadow of a life for a handful of internet voyeurs to peer through. There is only the self.

& even I spiraled into my own psychotic episode, by myself on hard wood floors. My cats could not help me, no human was there. There was no need to pick up a phone to beckon to someone who would not understand nor have the time. & as I lay in heaps & hysterics, I was once again reminded of the vast loneliness of existence. There is no one by the self, & no matter who or what you are, the world will never care. 

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 1 December 2017

And we are now in December!  Christmas time!  Trees, lights, inflatable penguins!  And drama!  Soooooooooooo much drama.  It is the season for sharing mulled wine with people you like, and who like you back.  So grab a mug of warmed wine, cider, or chocolate and let’s see what sort of problems I can make worse for people I don’t know!

I live in a close-knit neighborhood. In October, my neighbor’s 16-year-old daughter ran over my family’s beloved cat. She was driving irresponsibly and texting, and she was horrified by what she’d done. I have tried not hating her, and I’ve tried telling myself that there’s always a risk that a cat allowed outdoors will be hit by a car. But I’m angry, and the best thing for me now is to keep my distance from the girl and her family. The parents won’t back off, though. Their daughter is traumatized, and they want me to comfort her.

Dear Cat Killer, unexpectedly losing a beloved pet sucks.  And to have it happen because of the negligent actions of a person you need to continue interacting with is doubly sucky.  I’m going to disagree with Newdie though about it not being awful for you to continue to want to emotionally punish your neighbor’s daughter.  You don’t have to forgive her for her actions; she killed a member of your family afterall.  But is “making a child feel terrible and refusing any kindness towards her,” really the hill you wish to die on?  You say you live in a closely-knit neighborhood, so here’s how it’s going to play out.  You’re going to continue to hold this over your neighbor and their daughter.  They’re going to talk with your other neighbors and, eventually, it will come around to the point where you’re being petty, vindictive, and emotionally cruel to not move on.  It was “just a cat” and you did “know what could happen” if you let it roam outside in an area where cars traveled.  In the not-too-distant future you’re going to lose the very loose and sandy moral high ground on which you’re standing, and it’s not going to be fun for you.  I recommend you think long and hard about what sort of acts of contrition you want to see from your neighbor’s kid as a way to earn your forgiveness, and when she achieves that provide it.  At the end of the day the girl is going to eventually forgive herself and move on.  Whether you do or you allow this anger and resentment to eat away at you and your relations with your neighbors is up to you.

I’m a single woman with a large extended family. I cope with the enormous project of buying Christmas presents by getting them very early. Everyone in my family knows this; it’s the family joke that I have all my presents purchased by Halloween. My brother’s wife “Jean” sent out a group text last week saying they have decided not to exchange gifts with the extended family and would only be getting gifts for each other and their own kids. They have five kids, both together and via previous marriages, so I understand, but would have appreciated more notice. My mom asked what I was going to do, and I said I’d keep the gifts for the kids but return the ones I got for my brother and Jean. Unfortunately, my dad, the family big mouth, overheard us and told my brother.

Dear Christmas Gift Drama, Jean is not right.  Christmas is not about gift-giving.  It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.  That we have turned it into a celebration of eating, basketball, giving and exchanging gifts is ancillary to whatever the “meaning” of the holiday is.  Grown-ass people getting their panties in a wad because their grown-ass sibling didn’t get them something after they said they’re not getting the sibling something are pathetic.  You are morally and ethically in the right to return their gifts.  Send them a nice card with a friendly and caring message of love for the holidays.  Although do send the kids their gifts; it’s not their fault their mother acted rudely.

How do I cut off my seemingly well-intentioned family? My whole life, my little sister was the favorite. Growing up, other adults even commented on it to me, which actually helped because it showed me it wasn’t all in my head. On the outside they are a well-meaning Southern family, but to me they are suffocating.

Dear Just Want Out, you’re not going to be able to ghost your own family.  You’re, eventually, going to need to tell them why you’re ignoring them.  Or, you’re going to tell someone why and they’re going to tell them.  So, sack-up and tell them you’re not going to be joining them because it’s not in the budget, whether due to money or time.  Send a polite card wishing them well for the holiday and move on with your life.  Hit “ignore” on the Family Gift Wish List text as well.

I have been struggling with my son for a long time and just don’t know how to get through to him. He started out being very impulsive as a young child, not thinking things through, getting aggressive with other children, and not listening. Once he entered grade school the aggressive behavior toned down significantly, thank goodness, and he appeared to be listening to his teachers. At home is a different story. I’ve been divorced from my son’s father since he was 2-1/2 years old but up until recently he still maintained contact with him. I attributed many of his behaviors to his father’s leniency and lack of discipline. However, my son is nine now and no longer has contact with his father, who is a deadbeat.

Dear At Wits’ End, oof.  This is a heart-breaking letter on several levels.  There’s a whole lot of hurt, pain, and problems in not a lot of space, and much of them are far beyond the capabilities of NuPru or me to address.  As much as I’d like to join in NuPru’s condemnation of your actions and the consequence it has had on your son I’m not going to.  Parenting is hard, single-parenting harder still, and even the best, most wonderful, and well-intentioned people can fail when pushed hard enough.  Hitting your kid in anger is a terrible thing to do, your 9 year old cannot have done anything to justify such violence, it’s not going to result in the behavior you want, and will likely get you seriously hemmed up by the law.  Maybe she’s right that your actions have left your son unable to form friendships or fail to hit developmental milestones, but it’s also possible there are some underlying medical issues which could be at play, and the healing power of “and” is always at work.  Certainly your actions and attitude towards him aren’t helping, but without identifying that possibility you’re going to be swimming against the stream even more than you are now.  You need to get yourself some help to deal with your anger and stress.  You need to get your son some help as well; his school district almost certainly has some resources to identify if he has a developmental issue.  And it’s not likely his teachers haven’t noticed his behavior, so it’s probably something someone there is considering.  After you get yourself some help for the anger and control issues it might be worth trying to reestablish a relationship with the boy’s father.  That he became a “deadbeat” while you were belittling his parental choices and escalating the emotional and physical abuse of your shared child might be connected.

I’m a trans woman who’s been in a relationship with a queer cis girl for a couple years. It has slowly come out that my partner wants to “date people who have vaginas.” She’s told me before that she sees herself as having been historically deprived of the ability to date people with vaginas because society has primed her relationship life to involve “people who have penises.” I feel hurt by this analysis, because I honestly have never seen any societal
forces compelling anyone to date trans people like me. This line of logic also seems disingenuous given that she was raised in a cis lesbian household. I feel hurt and inadequate. When we have conversations about this, the conversation always unfolds with her in the role of the victim. This is a difficult dynamic to escape, because she is better than me at using sound social justice rhetoric.

Dear Just Want to Feel Normal, you’re not taking this too personally.  Once we strip away all the gender identifying text this is about your significant other no longer being attracted (as attracted?) to you, wanting to date other people, but wanting to keep you around for their own satisfaction.  Oh, and there’s also a bit of mind-fuckery going on where she’s trying to blame you for not wanting to be her doormat.  Your girlfriend can deploy all the social justice rhetoric she wishes, but it doesn’t change that she’s behaving like an asshole.  It sucks when someone you love reveals they no longer feel the same, and it’s a suck-multiplier when they exploit your own feelings of inadequacy and emotional vulnerabilities at the same time.  Just because you’re trans doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend is treating you.  You deserve to have a supporting, caring partner who is totally into you, and I hope you find them.

I recently became good friends with “Absalom” and “Richard.” Richard is queer and non-binary but very masculine-presenting, while Absalom is a straight cis man (I myself am a gay cis man). When we first became friends, Richard and I both developed small crushes on Absalom before we knew his sexuality. We both subtly and innocently flirted with him a couple times. After Absalom offhandedly mentioned he was straight, I backed off, no big deal.

Dear Looking for Straight Talk, much like Wanting to Feel Normal, let’s go ahead and strip out the genders, orientation, etc.  Bottom line is one of your friends is romantically pressuring one of your other friends in a way which the object of the affections doesn’t seem to appreciate, is noticed and negatively remarked upon by another group of friends, and which is making you uncomfortable.  You passed the point where Richard’s behavior was “not OK” a while ago.  Actually, you know what, let’s call him Dick.  Absalom is not enthusiastically consenting to Dick’s come-ons and Dick is either not picking up on this, thinks he just needs to apply the right amount of pressure to make Absalom come around, is getting his jollies out of making Absalom have to take his unreciprocated advances, or the healing power of “and”.  Let’s put the genders, orientation, etc back into the question.  Despite what Kevin Spacey says, being non-heteronormative isn’t carte-blanche to behave boorishly.  Honestly, had this situation involved a man making unwelcome advances towards a woman Bad Pru would have been much more straight-forward in her advice and the condemnation of Dick’s behavior.  So I will.  What you’re describing is the sort of sexual impropriety we really shouldn’t tolerate.  Let Dick know it’s “Not Okay”, or, preferably, let Dick know that he’s being a fucking creep.