#a sad awooga for my kids everyone.

[b4kuch1n]

and the storm he was driving/washed it away/in the eye there was a silence

[boxwinebaddie]

do you support the marjorine-is-taller-than-kenny agenda

oh, 100%, babey! ( im the short kenny, tall marj agenda )

like do you know how BADLY i want kenny to give off tall, mysterious stranger energy, like dirtiest white boy in america, slimmer than jim, smirky, leaning over the hood of cars, chain link fence, chain smoking cigarettes, trailer park pretty, putting the slender in slenderman...

BUT THERE JUST AINT NO WAY BABY!!!!

the mccormicks are eatin wheathins as bread like if you whip out a ritz cracker around kenny that is Fine Dining for him, i mean that. like he is malnourished as fuck like probably barely missed fetal alcohol syndrome he is nooooooot...tall.

like he is giving Short King. like shorter than stan which is saying something because i made pep!stan like 5'8 and 3/4 ( listen those 3/4 mean a lot to him let him have those...its all he can reach xx )

like kenny is honestly giving 5'6"-5'7"

which at first i was...hm idk...BUT ACTUALLY I LIKE THAT BETTER? because i feel tall kenny could just give Well Thats Just A Tall Medium Ugly White Boy but short kenny??? i know that man has the moves.

like charms oozes out of every pore, everyones pants hit the floor, rizz level 10000%, like he cuts his hair with rusty kitchen scissors but it some how looks like mullet modern art, the little gap between his front teeth is like where most people want to LIVE, i feel like his voice is crazy oceanic levels of deep. like that shit ~REVERBERATES~

kenny was S TIER on the cfpom fight list ( one bc he could probably seduce u out of the fight or steal whatever he needs off of you ) but mostly bc i feel like he could probably knock u out in one go but will probably jump around and watch you swing and miss and hit yourself in the face before hes finally like i'm bored, sweet dreams <3 LMAO

i feel like anytime some douchebag is like yeah whatever ur short! hes like ok ask your girl how tall i was last night ;) KHDLKSHLD AAAAA

anyways short king kenny nation i could write Essays!!!! abt this

BUT TALL GIRL MARJ!!!!!! okay okay okay....so marj is def like 5'11"

like cfpom heights

kyle: idk i forgot how tall i said kyle was anywhere btween 6'1-3 TALL

*insert stan wowza noise* i maintain that style would have made out way more if drunk stan could reach kyles face...we were robbbed

marj: 5'11"

stan: 5'8 AND THREE QUARTERS SOMETIMES THE DOCS GIVE HIM LIKE AN INCH OR TWO IF HES 5'10 ITS A REALLY GOOD DAY FOR HIM TELL HIM HE LOOKS TALL PLS josh hutcherson energy

kenny: 5'6" i said what i said argue with ur mom, dad or grandmama

cartman: hes like 5'4" idk so much evil in that compact body

but i feel like marj hit a massive growth spurt in like 7th grade and shot up past EVERYONE and it was like...woah. and i think it just made marj really dysphoric unfortunately because i think she got a lot of random attention for getting tall but was very awkwardly fumbling around in that body, not confident, feeling all wrong :(

went on a lot of weird blind dates with bible studies girls...was really unhappy and felt kind of like a freak im so sad i love you marmar

also linda stotch i guess is petite satan and makes fun of women for being tall or not uwu small and dainty and men for not being super macho and masc ( stephen is probably scary tall ) so being tall was always this uncomfortable thing for her like it made her ugly :((((((

which is insane because kenny was like WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK AWOOGA AWOOGA ONE CHANCEONECHANCEONECHNCE TALL LADY STEP ON ME PLEASE IM ON MY KNEEEEEEEEEEEES

he was...in heat for all of high school. i wish i was kidding.

kenny x stan x kyle x jersey x raven x horny boy max security prison

( off topic but i DO think pep!kenny has kissed both stan and kyle, uh stan we have SEEN [ too much, i do think they get a little handsy when drunk smh, physical touch kings ] and uh...a past kyle was trying to...test a theory...a queery...and kenny had a really good answer...stan is going to be jealous no one tell him about that OOF )

but after her transition i think marj is enjoying living large, being like 6 billion feet tall in high heels, picked kenny up by the scruff on the back of his neck and just carries him like a the world most beautiful knock off birkin bag and i support the simp short kenny agenda...i also think that marjorine is much scarier than kenny or even kyle

i think marj is nice and classy but if u try to grab her ass she will put you in the hospital and be like woopsie do! <3 SHES SCARY IN A BLESS YOUR HEART SOUTHERN LADY WAY I WOULDNT TRY IT

marj being tall is so near and dear to me, i just feel like kenny is always looking up to her and chasin after her and when they were little kids she was like smitten in love with him, he hung the moon if he looked at her once a month but in high school she was like im not playing these little games with you kenneth mccormick! no sir! when you're done runnin' around you can call me then but watch out i might not answer xx CLEEEEEEEEEEEEARED HIM LIKE WHEW!

( she also full names everyone like stan has never been stan, stanley forever, kenny is kenneth, cartman is eric, kyle is kyle...period. )

aNYWAYS! it worked she whipped the hell out of him amen...BUT YES SHORT KENNY TALL MARJ SUPREMACY OR AT LEAST THATS HOW IT IS IN MY FANFICS GET WITH IT OR GET STEPPIN

-uncle nina, short queen...unfortunately...i act 6'1" tho

p.s. kenjorine and style def do double dates otherwise known as marj and kyle taking their boyfriends out for a walk...woopsie do! <3

[itstittycitybaby]

Let’s Go wlw! (Lin Beifong x fem! reader)

 A/N: I promise this story is more serious than the title makes it out to be lmao. Re watching LOK and seeing Lin and her character makes me go awooga. This is my first LOK fic and I hope you guys enjoy it!

Warnings: some sad thoughts but it gets fluffy!

The light hurt. Its rays blinded you as you fell. The warmth kissed your skin but it sunk its teeth and that’s when it burned. When you dreamt of flying, this wasn’t what you had in mind. A flightless bird soaring through the clouds was the idea. Hell, that’s what everyone thought right? Smoke flew after you; the tendrils leaving your pure white dress. Your hair was burnt as you fell from the sky. You wondered if this was a punishment. Fate and the gods had to be laughing as their angel plummeted to her death. It was a cruel way to die, but it’s what you deserved right?

Katara had tried to help recover your memories. Once you recovered from crashing into the water and almost drowning, you had been brought to her. Apparently the sky had opened up and spat you out. The white dress you wore had been scavenged and hung on the wall next to your hospital bed. It looked weightless; it was strapless and every time you walked it flowed after you. A symbol was embroidered on it. A symbol from the heavens. Though, you couldn’t remember a single thing. Just what was I sent here for?

The fire crackled around the group. Korra and her friends set marshmallows over sticks, cooking them with its flames. The flames felt familiar somehow. Tenzin and his family were there, too. Tonight was a celebration. Amon had escaped but at least the city was safe. For now, anyway. There was a bad feeling in your gut, one you couldn’t shake away. Chief Beifong sat next to you. She looked pleased as she sat there with the rest of you. Her bending was back again thanks to Korra. Chief Beifong wasn’t one to seem pleased let alone happy, but tonight she seemed contempt. The thought made you chuckle. Her gray brow raised in your direction almost as if she were prompting you to speak your mind. For once, she seemed at peace. With herself and the people around you. A vast difference from the first time you met her. 

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” The room you sat in was cold and dark. The table was metal and your wrists were cuffed to it. An older woman stood before you. Her hair was gray and her face strong. Her green eyes were cold as her gaze sharpened into you. There were two small scars on the side of her face. God, she was pretty. Next to her was a man. He was peculiar;a light blue arrow facing downward on his forehead and a brown pointy beard on his chin. He wore orange robes with a red looking shaw pinned over it. He was bald and at first glance looked pretty scary. But compared to the woman’s cold eyes and hard demeanor, there was a soft gaze in his eyes. Patience and kindness radiated from him. “I-I don’t know,” you sputtered, trying not to shrink away from her gaze. You felt like an animal being prodded and examined at. The woman sighed and her lips set into a frown. She seemed tired from the dark circles around her eyes and the paleness of her skin. You had the urge to reach out and touch her. The urge was strong but you didn’t understand. You didn’t know this woman. “I’ll ask again and one more time,” she hissed. You jumped as her palms slammed down onto the table. The woman’s green eyes turned into slits as she glared at you. “Who are you?” You weren’t sure how long you’d been in this dangy dark room. For the past few days you’d been in a hospital bed scared out of your mind. The looks of disgust and the distrustful glares sent your way hurt. Your eyesight started to go blurry. A tear fell from your eye and you sniffled. Lip quivered and the lump in your throat wanted to claw its way out. “Chief Beifong,” a voice said softly. The man beside her finally spoke. The woman’s gaze seemed to soften ever so slightly at your distress. Only for a second before her face turned blank. It was better than a death glare though. “I-I don’t know who I am,” you replied softly. “I’m sorry if I hurt anyone. I don’t remember anything at all. Just t-the light.” They stared at you. The man seemed more concerned while the woman mulled over your answer. “You’re not supposed to be here, are you?” The man’s voice was careful, almost like he was afraid you’d break. You shook your head. Your fists clenched and unclenched as you tried steading yourself. “I think I was supposed to die.”

You felt like an outcast. Tenzin had his family, Korra had Tenzin and her friends. Bolin had Mako and Mako had Asami. It was a circle of one big family, one you didn’t feel a part of. Tenzin tried to make you feel welcome as you worked to recover your memories. You could only gather bits and pieces but never the full picture. Everytime you tried you’d hear chanting and this big bright light. One time, you did see thousands of eyes all different shapes and sizes staring back at you. You woke up in Tenzin’s arms with light shooting out of your body. You stopped trying after that.

Bolin and the kids had sticky marshmallow pieces on their lips. Chief Beifong looked disgusted at the sight. You quietly giggled to yourself. A ghost of a smirk was on her lips at your amusement. Chief Beifong was known for being stern and harsh. Her cold demeanor had struck you at first. After the interrogation, you stayed out of her way. Though, she seemed softer with you than the others. Sure, she was still cold and distant but the little things Chief Beifong did for you didn’t go unnoticed. The soft gazes and the patience she held for you spoke louder. Even though she wasn’t chief anymore it still felt wrong to address her by her first name. You felt like you hadn’t earned it yet. Names have power, especially Chief Beifong’s. Being a respected figure and a good bender helped with the power she held. But it was the way she stayed strong throughout the bad and the good that made you admire her. Chief Beifong didn’t take shit from anybody, not even Tenzin. But, she still cared. She still cared about the city and its people. The past few months had been insane because of Amon but you and Chief Beifong’s relationship seemed stronger. “A budding friendship,” Tenzin remarked one night after the kids were asleep. It was raining that night; you couldn’t sleep from the visions of eyes peering down at you. The both of you shared a pot of tea. If it was a friendship, then what were these new feelings?

Everyone was asleep. The grass crunched softly underneath your sandals as you stood outside. Korra threw a concerned glance at you before she went to bed. You were always timid and well reserved, but she could tell there was something going on. You shook her off and gave her a reassuring smile before you snuck out. The grass felt soft as you sat in it. Your white dress pooled around you and the gold arm bracelets on both of your arms glimmered in the moon. The quiet night felt peaceful and comforting. The feelings you had for the older woman seemed to be getting stronger. Your heart fluttered and your tongue became tied every time you saw Chief Beifong. Sometimes the two of you would run into each other and have a morning chat. But lately, you have been avoiding her. She didn’t seem to care;if she did you knew she would’ve said something by now. “I take it you couldn’t sleep.” Speak of the devil. Chief Beifong stood behind you. She looked tired; the dark bags under her eyes were more prominent now. She wore a white tank top and some black harem pants. It was weird to see Chief Beifong in something so casual. “Something like that,” you replied, softly. The grass spot beside you flattened as she sat down next to you. The pace of your heart quickened. She was sitting so close that her warmth radiated off of her. “Are you alright, Chief Beifong?” She scoffed, “How many times do I have to tell you? Call me Lin.” You froze; she sounded annoyed with you. Dread tore at your gut at the thought of her being upset with you. “Sorry L-lin,” you whispered, eyes down trying to avert her gaze. The woman beside you let out a sigh. “It’s alright. I shouldn’t have sounded so harsh.” Looking up at her, you tilted your head.

 The sight made your heart flutter. The moon’s soft ray’s shone lightly on her skin. Her green eyes twinkled as she sat there. You began to love the moon and its presence more than the sun and under it, Lin looked beautiful. Her eyes moved to the corner of her eye. Your cheeks flushed once she caught you staring. The corner of Lin’s lips quivered a bit, almost as if she were fighting a smile. “It’s alright,” you replied softly. Your hands were folded into your lap. Lin thought the dress always looked great on you but now did you look like an angel. It billowed and laid around you as you kneeled there. “I’m sorry if I offended you, Ch-, Lin,” you said sternly, correcting yourself. “It wasn’t my intention. I felt like I hadn’t earned the sentiment of calling you by your first name.” Lin’s brow arched, out of interest of surprise, she didn’t know. After everything the both of you and the rest of the group had been through, she had thought you knew. You were always soft spoken and rather timid, but she realized now you felt like an outcast. Even with Tenzin, who treated you like his own daughter. Lin had always appreciated your soft nature and your respect to everyone around you. But now, Lin finally understood. You felt just like her. An outcast, the black sheep.“Don’t apologize,” Lin said after collecting your thoughts, “You meant no harm. I appreciate the thought.” Your heart warmed at her words. Lin was a strong woman. She was confrontational which scared the shit out of you but you also admired her for her bravery. Her courage to protect those she cared about. Even now Lin still cared about Tenzin and his family after they split up. The tips of your brows furrowed in irritation and a surge of anger spread through you. The snide looks and sometimes remarks Pema gave Lin had always stood out to you. Lin seemed to brush them off with a stone cold look but you wondered if even she had her breaking points. Even shields break.

“Can I ask you something,” Lin asked as the two of you stared at the moon together. Normally people didn’t come to you for advice or ask anything personal about you but you agreed nonetheless. You were a bit surprised, in fact. “Every time someone asks about your past or the things that you know you dodge the question. You isolate yourself from the rest of the group and put everyone’s weight on your shoulders. Why?” Silence. Lin watched you from her peripheral view. Your brows furrowed together as you mulled over her question. Why? “I’m not sure,” you whispered. The sadness and the loss you felt was evident in your tone. “I don’t know who I am. I still don’t. I have hints and clues but...they’re not a solid answer.” Lin hummed, “So you’ve given up?” Her questions were ones you asked yourself. They taunted you at every corner and their laughter was loud. Sometimes it was too much. The silence. It felt like you had sunken into the depths of the cold water around Republic city again. Every answer tried to scream at you but they were muffled by the water. The slowness of it all made you tired as you tried dragging yourself out of it. “In a way I suppose. Last time I tried I almost hurt Tenzin,” you muttered. “After that I didn’t feel useful anymore. I can’t do anything but put up a force field. The least I can do is try to take on the weight others can’t carry.” 

Your brightness reminded Lin of an angel. Even with her harshness and her steel cutting words you always treated her kindly. An angel sent from heaven. She looked over when she heard you steady yourself from the ground. The tall and strong stance you held never wavered. “It was nice talking to you Lin,” you smiled softly at her. “I hope you can rest soon.” The underlying message made Lin feel calm. Even if she wasn’t strong enough to pull herself out of the powerful tides of her mind you’d be there watching over her. Just like a guardian angel. The thought made her chuckle. Her eyes widened at the soft feeling of your lips on her cheek. Lin’s pale cheeks turned pink and her heart pounded wildly. You smelt like roses and your hand was soft as you steadied yourself on her shoulder. A wave of disappointment washed over her once your soft lips pulled away from her cold cheek. The loving warmth you gave left her quickly and the cold swept over her instead. As quickly as you came, all your warmth left with it. She was up on her feet quickly. Before she could stop herself, her hands encircled your wrist. Lin’s hand tugged, making your figure turn to her. The concern in your eyes wavered as you looked into her strong gaze. The vulnerability in them was bare. You liked her. God, how did she not notice. Lin was sharp and observant but for some reason you fell through the cracks. You had hidden yourself from her view; the shadows of your affections were clever. They hid will and stayed that way. You shifted your feet at her stare. She snapped out of it and pulled you to her. The tips of your ears and cheeks burned red as her chest brushed against yours. Lin felt something she didn’t think she’d feel again. A want, the need to be surrounded by your presence. She ached for your comfort and your love. She wanted you. 

You gulped nervously. Lin’s piercing green eyes searched for something. But what was she searching for? Weren’t your intentions obvious? A little squeak left your lips as her pink ones touched yours. A huff of laughter escaped her lips. Lin was soft; her hands calloused from years of work and bending. You liked them. They were a bit tough but still soft like her. Your eyes fluttered shut as you placed her hands on your shoulder lightly. Lin’s hands were gentle as they cradled your face. Both of your hearts were pounding fast. You sighed, allowing Lin to swipe her tongue gently across yours. A soft smack left both of your lips once she pulled away. Lin smelt like leather and earth. You couldn’t get enough of it.

Lin pulled away quickly. You swallowed nervously and your heart sank. Did I do something wrong? As if reading your thoughts, Lin reached her hand to stroke your cheek. Her thumb brushed across it gently. You nuzzled her palm and gave it a soft kiss. She hummed. “Make sure to be ready by nine,” Lin said, a rare smile gracing her lips. Your brows furrowed, confusion evident on your face. “Do we have a mission?” She chuckled, “No we don’t. Tomorrow I’m taking you out to breakfast.” You lit up, a grin stretched across your face. “Alright,” you responded enthusiastically. Lin laughed, intertwining her hand with yours. Things started to look better. Finally, she had you.

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[chaotically-cas]

Me talking about the tv show because I just finished my rewatch & I’m absolutely obsessed yet again

Aka a viewing guide

Spoiler warning

Sorry this is so long omg- I probably forgot so much too

Pilot:

Honestly the only true plot that interested me was Tim Shepard & Tim Shepard only. Steve’s care was pretty cool. Some dope Stevepop moments. Nice tarry content. Just nice Darry content over all. Dallas’s scene in the beginning keeps sending me thoughjskakfk

Ep 1:

Honestly I hate hate hate what they did to Sodapop’s character I absolutely hate it. They did him so freaking dirty. But we love pro choice Steve & Two Bit was also pretty scrumptious in this episode as well. I dislike this episode. It’s a no for me.

Ep 2:

This one is smack full of delicious tarry content for everyone to gobble on. Darry is absolutely scrumptious and I love the whole dynamic between him and Tim. I, again, hate soda in this episode. I hate him so much it’s unreal. Why is he like that. But I do love the way they did Buck so oh well. Kinda sad about the lack of Stevie.

Ep 3:

Definitely my favorite episode because iykyk. Steve is just absolutely scrumptious omg they really did a musical episode huh. And that song was really a banger huh. And he really had to look that good? Also Two but was absolutely scrumptious. The whole greaser band was a damn treat I wish we got more off. I will not be addressing the Ponyboy situation because no. Disgusting. Absolutely vile & perverted. No thank you & never again. But omg I cannot describe to you how amazing the band is guys ugh I cannot I cannot they are so cute & I want more content pronto. Also the bonding between Darry & Buck was kinda cute too. Like dar has a bit of a father figure again, it’s sweet.

Ep 4:

Pony is a damn flipping idiot. Wtf is he thinking. Like. Why. Why would he ever do that in a million years. Steve though, was looking fine again. And rip Soda even though he doesn’t die. I think Pony & Soda both nearly dying in this episode is so funny. Also kinda ooc of Darry? Like? Hospital bills are a deal ton and he is just gonna roll it off? Steve was more like Darry than Darry. Probably cause his boyfriends was dyi-

Ep 5:

We will not be addressing Tim & Cherry. Never. But omg. The tarry again guys the tarry omg I died. They’re so domestic & for what?? Also why is Pony such a moody little crap. I hate him in this because he cannot make up his little hormonal mind for a second. Also why can’t they put pants on? The lack of Two & Steve was very sad but ig the tarry vibes can make up for it. Idk what the brothers were on though agreeing to all that-

Ep 6:

A very close second favorite omg. I love the exploration of both Two and Pony’s friendship & the friendship between Steve and Darry. The scene was short but I really loved the dialogue between Steve & Darry. I think this was the one episode they tried (poorly) to give Steve the spot light & ehh. I love him & I loved hearing more about his dad & his relationship with his dad but there should’ve been more idc. I think the whole fact they all idolize old dead white men is a tad weird. But two’s speech on Elvis was the highlight of the episode by far omg. I just think Steve & Darry were idiots for continuing to work but it produced good content ig. Poor Darry though rip almost lol. I loved the Steve plot line of it all even if it was smaller than hoped for.

Ep 7:

Forking hate this episode. It adds absolutely nothing to the plot besides defiling Soda’s character even further. I think it was a poor poor attempted at ‘omg let’s all get along lol’ but came off incredibly racist & umm. It was an uncomfortable watch that is for sure. Honestly I plan on skipping this episode on my next rewatch it really isn’t worth the time imo. It’s just. Weird. 

Ep 8:

Every time I think about this episode I think it could be my favorite hdjskkd but idk. I absolutely freaking adorable the tarry & how they both protect each other. Please they are literally on a date. Soda is an absolute idiot but we know that. Steve was by far superior in this episode & he was a fine specimen too omg they Hawaiian shirt did wonders. Also Stevebit??? Omg please the way they blatantly flirted was so freaking fruity. Darry being a hero & saying the day in an epic way because again, Soda is a complete moron. Idk. Jewel was kinda vibey but Pony was good as well in this episode. Omg this is long but Tim & his parole officer sent me to the moon omg I see why Darry was crushing so hard.

Ep 9:

Ahhhh the two bit centric episode we all needed! I liked seeing how the stayed pretty close & true to his character, besides the drinking. It was fun & nice to learn more about him & his family aside from him just being a wise crack & I think both Pony & Steve saw that. That’s why they both helped him out. & I especially love the way the whole gang stood up for him in the end omg Tim Shepard was scrumptious but isn’t he always. I just love seeing more of two bit & his life & friendships outside the gang. However the scene with Sodapop was absolutely hilarious in an odd way- weirdo boyfriends. Also. Tim borrowing Darry’s suit is by far so tarry & I love them. Tim’s character exploration was also scrumptious in this episode.

Ep 10:

OK BUT- ok but this one also might be my favorite JSKSKKS I’m just gonna keep saying it. Two & Steve are absolutely complete asshole boyfriends. Especially Steve. The energy between two & Steve & soda is absolutely off the charts. Sodapop definitely lost his mind a little bit & I still don’t understand how Buck rationalized his decisions. Pony was just having the time of his life it was so funny. I feel bad for Darry omg it was his birthday & he was stuck being the responsible adult for a loaf of dumb ass kids. But honestly. Soda. You idiot. I know I should feel bad for you. But that sucked. How could you believe that. Buck too. Steve & Two are such fruity cuties though riding around, pranking, smooching, scheming together. Also, steve can draw & is musical? Ok king am I you or are you more attractive that I thought awooga woo 

Ep 11:

Haven’t rewatched it yet, will update with I do. Kinda homophobic that it’s missing the first part.

Ep 12:

Also will update when I rewatch

[drangues]

long, long ago in a land far away, I sent in some posts about Atsushi and others being the incarnations of the Five Beasts. And I'm just thinking how possible it is that when they were separated, they lost all contact/were not allowed to contact the others. And for this, I'm going to focus of Aoi, the Blue Dragon. 1/

As the oldest, he was the primary caretaker for his siblings, and losing them would have gutted him. He was supposed to protect them, instead he was unable to prevent them from being separated, and without the skills/ability to contact them. And the worst part is, as he gets older, he has no idea whether they're alive or dead. 2/

And maybe, when he's old enough to escape from the (metaphorical) cage his 'parents' put him in, he tries to find the others. He successful too, for the most part, reuniting with Akari (red bird), Shikiharu (yellow dragon), and Michika (black turtle). But he never finds Atsushi, no matter how long he searches. 3/

Eventually, Aoi is forced to believe the possibility that Atsushi, their littlest brother, is dead (he knows of the orphanage Atsushi was sent to. Everyone in the system knows that sometimes, the special kids that go in don't come out). Years pass, and Aoi's work ends up with him moving to Yokahoma (he's still in contact with his siblings, but they can't bear to be together. Not when Atsushi is missing. 4/

Aoi is taking a walk down by the river, when he catches a scent he knows better than his own, and this is impossible, Atsushi is gone, how can he be here- Aoi is barely conscious of the way he starts running to the source, praying to anyone that will listen that he's not wrong, not giving himself false hope. And as he rounds the corner, he sees them. A pretty man covered in bandages, a young girl in a red kimono, and- a young man with white hair and purple/gold eyes.

5/This shouldn't be possible. But that doesn't stop Aoi from taking a shaky step forward, eyes trained on the ghost of his youngest brother, hardly aware of the words leaving his mouth. "Atsushi...?" 5/

... I think this turned into Aoi/Dazai, and I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm rolling with it. 6/ (sorry if I skipped or did the same number more than once)

love how you started it with "long long ago" but yes i do remember and im already in love with aoi (blue happens to be one of my fav colours awooga) but them not being able to be together cus atsushi isnt there is just :'(( SO SAD AND THEY BETTER HAVE FUCKING HUGGED DUDE

[samanthasroberts]

5 Reasons Threesomes Aren’t As Awesome As You Think

Once, in a world both distant and full of tears, I invited myself to a group sex orgy humptathlon, and it was weird. I felt weird. I looked weird, and it was because I was naked. Others looked more or less weird, based on my personal tastes and standards, because they were also naked. But the whole thing had less an air of intimacy about it, and more an air of “tailgate party with balls.” Was there a way to mix the debauchery of more than one partner with the relative intimacy of less than 30 partners? Yes. The answer was sex with less than 30 people. I decided to try three.

#5. “Third Wheel” Is An Expression For A Reason

To clarify before anyone corrects me, I know the idiom is “fifth wheel,” but we fudged it into “third wheel” in the popular vernacular, and I’m sticking with it. Anyway, the reason you see two people out on a date way more often than you see three is because no one likes a third asshole. Literally and figuratively. The third one is in the way and will inevitably be a distraction to one or the other. Someone is always feeling left out when there are three people.

On the bright side, this gives you way more time to quietly spit in their beer.

Asking a couple if they would be amenable to you joining them is awkward at best, and I’ve found even getting them to include you in dinner plans can be a hassle. Naturally, this likely has a lot more to do with me as a person than the idea of any random person, probably, but I imagine there’s at least some generalities here. Of the several couples I approached, it took an offer to pay for all three of us to see a movie just to get that far. This was killer for my self-esteem. I’m like a reverse prostitute, and not the good kind: the kind who has weird-smelling gaps in their oak-shaded teeth. I don’t have that, by the way. Makes it all the more sad.

#4. This Will Test A Friendship

If you ask your best friend and his wife if they’d like to have a threesome, be prepared to sit on the sofa for a moment not saying anything. This will occur when you do the same with your next-best friend, your old roommate, and the neighbors. It’s the go-to reaction. It doesn’t last long, but I suggest you savor it, because you’re going to be wistful for it fairly soon.

In general, you could sum up most people’s reactions to being asked for a threesome as, “No.” If you’d like specifics, well, let me just say I’m not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

Apparently, it’s out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you’re going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and — this is key — do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I’m writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I’ll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I’m friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, “Hot damn, man sex!” and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, “Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun,” and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

#3. No One Trusts Me

When you write comedy articles for a living, and people know this, they will automatically assume something is up when you approach them out of the blue with a request for somewhat-askew sex. After that period of silence I mentioned earlier, my friend asked me if this was for an article. That’s the world I live in now. I can’t just want to have sex with my friends for kicks; it has to be because Cracked is paying me to do it. Incidentally, Cracked did not pay me to have sex with my friends, per se. I tried to have sex with my friends, and then, afterward, informed Cracked that I was billing them for it as a result of the article I wrote. So it’s not like Adam Brown is my pimp. He’s more like a peepshow enthusiast paying to see my goodies after the fact. The difference is subtle, but it may come up in court one day. Who am I to say?

I mean, the shades are pimpish, but the hat is clearly all wrong.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn’t possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner’s squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don’t even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that’s the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That’s how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/13/5-reasons-threesomes-arent-as-awesome-as-you-think/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/13/5-reasons-threesomes-arent-as-awesome-as-you-think/

[jimdsmith34]

5 Reasons Threesomes Aren’t As Awesome As You Think

Once, in a world both distant and full of tears, I invited myself to a group sex orgy humptathlon, and it was weird. I felt weird. I looked weird, and it was because I was naked. Others looked more or less weird, based on my personal tastes and standards, because they were also naked. But the whole thing had less an air of intimacy about it, and more an air of “tailgate party with balls.” Was there a way to mix the debauchery of more than one partner with the relative intimacy of less than 30 partners? Yes. The answer was sex with less than 30 people. I decided to try three.

#5. “Third Wheel” Is An Expression For A Reason

To clarify before anyone corrects me, I know the idiom is “fifth wheel,” but we fudged it into “third wheel” in the popular vernacular, and I’m sticking with it. Anyway, the reason you see two people out on a date way more often than you see three is because no one likes a third asshole. Literally and figuratively. The third one is in the way and will inevitably be a distraction to one or the other. Someone is always feeling left out when there are three people.

On the bright side, this gives you way more time to quietly spit in their beer.

Asking a couple if they would be amenable to you joining them is awkward at best, and I’ve found even getting them to include you in dinner plans can be a hassle. Naturally, this likely has a lot more to do with me as a person than the idea of any random person, probably, but I imagine there’s at least some generalities here. Of the several couples I approached, it took an offer to pay for all three of us to see a movie just to get that far. This was killer for my self-esteem. I’m like a reverse prostitute, and not the good kind: the kind who has weird-smelling gaps in their oak-shaded teeth. I don’t have that, by the way. Makes it all the more sad.

#4. This Will Test A Friendship

If you ask your best friend and his wife if they’d like to have a threesome, be prepared to sit on the sofa for a moment not saying anything. This will occur when you do the same with your next-best friend, your old roommate, and the neighbors. It’s the go-to reaction. It doesn’t last long, but I suggest you savor it, because you’re going to be wistful for it fairly soon.

In general, you could sum up most people’s reactions to being asked for a threesome as, “No.” If you’d like specifics, well, let me just say I’m not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

Apparently, it’s out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you’re going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and — this is key — do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I’m writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I’ll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I’m friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, “Hot damn, man sex!” and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, “Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun,” and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

#3. No One Trusts Me

When you write comedy articles for a living, and people know this, they will automatically assume something is up when you approach them out of the blue with a request for somewhat-askew sex. After that period of silence I mentioned earlier, my friend asked me if this was for an article. That’s the world I live in now. I can’t just want to have sex with my friends for kicks; it has to be because Cracked is paying me to do it. Incidentally, Cracked did not pay me to have sex with my friends, per se. I tried to have sex with my friends, and then, afterward, informed Cracked that I was billing them for it as a result of the article I wrote. So it’s not like Adam Brown is my pimp. He’s more like a peepshow enthusiast paying to see my goodies after the fact. The difference is subtle, but it may come up in court one day. Who am I to say?

I mean, the shades are pimpish, but the hat is clearly all wrong.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn’t possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner’s squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don’t even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that’s the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That’s how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/13/5-reasons-threesomes-arent-as-awesome-as-you-think/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/07/5-reasons-threesomes-arent-as-awesome.html

[adambstingus]

5 Reasons Threesomes Aren’t As Awesome As You Think

Once, in a world both distant and full of tears, I invited myself to a group sex orgy humptathlon, and it was weird. I felt weird. I looked weird, and it was because I was naked. Others looked more or less weird, based on my personal tastes and standards, because they were also naked. But the whole thing had less an air of intimacy about it, and more an air of “tailgate party with balls.” Was there a way to mix the debauchery of more than one partner with the relative intimacy of less than 30 partners? Yes. The answer was sex with less than 30 people. I decided to try three.

#5. “Third Wheel” Is An Expression For A Reason

To clarify before anyone corrects me, I know the idiom is “fifth wheel,” but we fudged it into “third wheel” in the popular vernacular, and I’m sticking with it. Anyway, the reason you see two people out on a date way more often than you see three is because no one likes a third asshole. Literally and figuratively. The third one is in the way and will inevitably be a distraction to one or the other. Someone is always feeling left out when there are three people.

On the bright side, this gives you way more time to quietly spit in their beer.

Asking a couple if they would be amenable to you joining them is awkward at best, and I’ve found even getting them to include you in dinner plans can be a hassle. Naturally, this likely has a lot more to do with me as a person than the idea of any random person, probably, but I imagine there’s at least some generalities here. Of the several couples I approached, it took an offer to pay for all three of us to see a movie just to get that far. This was killer for my self-esteem. I’m like a reverse prostitute, and not the good kind: the kind who has weird-smelling gaps in their oak-shaded teeth. I don’t have that, by the way. Makes it all the more sad.

#4. This Will Test A Friendship

If you ask your best friend and his wife if they’d like to have a threesome, be prepared to sit on the sofa for a moment not saying anything. This will occur when you do the same with your next-best friend, your old roommate, and the neighbors. It’s the go-to reaction. It doesn’t last long, but I suggest you savor it, because you’re going to be wistful for it fairly soon.

In general, you could sum up most people’s reactions to being asked for a threesome as, “No.” If you’d like specifics, well, let me just say I’m not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

Apparently, it’s out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you’re going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and — this is key — do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I’m writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I’ll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I’m friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, “Hot damn, man sex!” and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, “Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun,” and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

#3. No One Trusts Me

When you write comedy articles for a living, and people know this, they will automatically assume something is up when you approach them out of the blue with a request for somewhat-askew sex. After that period of silence I mentioned earlier, my friend asked me if this was for an article. That’s the world I live in now. I can’t just want to have sex with my friends for kicks; it has to be because Cracked is paying me to do it. Incidentally, Cracked did not pay me to have sex with my friends, per se. I tried to have sex with my friends, and then, afterward, informed Cracked that I was billing them for it as a result of the article I wrote. So it’s not like Adam Brown is my pimp. He’s more like a peepshow enthusiast paying to see my goodies after the fact. The difference is subtle, but it may come up in court one day. Who am I to say?

I mean, the shades are pimpish, but the hat is clearly all wrong.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn’t possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner’s squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don’t even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that’s the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That’s how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/13/5-reasons-threesomes-arent-as-awesome-as-you-think/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162955471097

[allofbeercom]

5 Reasons Threesomes Aren’t As Awesome As You Think

Once, in a world both distant and full of tears, I invited myself to a group sex orgy humptathlon, and it was weird. I felt weird. I looked weird, and it was because I was naked. Others looked more or less weird, based on my personal tastes and standards, because they were also naked. But the whole thing had less an air of intimacy about it, and more an air of “tailgate party with balls.” Was there a way to mix the debauchery of more than one partner with the relative intimacy of less than 30 partners? Yes. The answer was sex with less than 30 people. I decided to try three.

#5. “Third Wheel” Is An Expression For A Reason

To clarify before anyone corrects me, I know the idiom is “fifth wheel,” but we fudged it into “third wheel” in the popular vernacular, and I’m sticking with it. Anyway, the reason you see two people out on a date way more often than you see three is because no one likes a third asshole. Literally and figuratively. The third one is in the way and will inevitably be a distraction to one or the other. Someone is always feeling left out when there are three people.

On the bright side, this gives you way more time to quietly spit in their beer.

Asking a couple if they would be amenable to you joining them is awkward at best, and I’ve found even getting them to include you in dinner plans can be a hassle. Naturally, this likely has a lot more to do with me as a person than the idea of any random person, probably, but I imagine there’s at least some generalities here. Of the several couples I approached, it took an offer to pay for all three of us to see a movie just to get that far. This was killer for my self-esteem. I’m like a reverse prostitute, and not the good kind: the kind who has weird-smelling gaps in their oak-shaded teeth. I don’t have that, by the way. Makes it all the more sad.

#4. This Will Test A Friendship

If you ask your best friend and his wife if they’d like to have a threesome, be prepared to sit on the sofa for a moment not saying anything. This will occur when you do the same with your next-best friend, your old roommate, and the neighbors. It’s the go-to reaction. It doesn’t last long, but I suggest you savor it, because you’re going to be wistful for it fairly soon.

In general, you could sum up most people’s reactions to being asked for a threesome as, “No.” If you’d like specifics, well, let me just say I’m not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

Apparently, it’s out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you’re going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and — this is key — do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I’m writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I’ll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I’m friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, “Hot damn, man sex!” and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, “Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun,” and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

#3. No One Trusts Me

When you write comedy articles for a living, and people know this, they will automatically assume something is up when you approach them out of the blue with a request for somewhat-askew sex. After that period of silence I mentioned earlier, my friend asked me if this was for an article. That’s the world I live in now. I can’t just want to have sex with my friends for kicks; it has to be because Cracked is paying me to do it. Incidentally, Cracked did not pay me to have sex with my friends, per se. I tried to have sex with my friends, and then, afterward, informed Cracked that I was billing them for it as a result of the article I wrote. So it’s not like Adam Brown is my pimp. He’s more like a peepshow enthusiast paying to see my goodies after the fact. The difference is subtle, but it may come up in court one day. Who am I to say?

I mean, the shades are pimpish, but the hat is clearly all wrong.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn’t possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner’s squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don’t even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that’s the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That’s how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/13/5-reasons-threesomes-arent-as-awesome-as-you-think/