#acted upon all urges and was generally an asshole

[mymarifae]

yesterday someone on strawpage asked me what made me go from a dr. ratio hater to a dr. ratio enjoyer and that response took me. four hours . to put together. so you know what i'm going to share my thoughts here too. here's why i like this ⬇️ jackass a lot now!!!!!!!!!!!

he's a tricky character! the first interactions we get with him are so off-putting and unpleasant that i feel like a lot of people are like "wow, this guy is a self-absorbed dick, i don't respect him at all. can he go away" - i know that was my reaction! and he IS a dick. but like. listen.

it's really, really, REALLY easy to misconstrue 90% of his words and actions. it doesn't help that he has the speech patterns of a haughty asshole. and it alsooooooo doesn't help that aventurine's stunt in penacony required orchestrating a "betrayal" between himself and ratio. i think some of the things ratio said during All That constitutes the bulk of most people's persisting dislike of him. So:

1. everything ratio did and said was exactly what aventurine asked him to. this was all pre-negotiated. i think aventurine's insecurities acting up and the way he started doubting whether ratio was truly just acting threw some people off as well, but there is plentyyyyyy of evidence that no, ratio does not hate him and was not waiting for the perfect opportunity to stab him in the back and rid himself of this "damned gambler" but i'll get more into that in a sec ok? i have another bullet point to make first. and it's important so read it carefully ok? promise?

2. any comments from ratio pertaining to aventurine's race were said to fuel the narrative SUNDAY was building in his head probably from the second he learned which ipc executive would be coming to penacony.

aventurine's plan hinged on sunday's prejudice. he needed sunday to think of him as a liar, a cheat, a silver-tongued honeypot - basically, every avgin stereotype floating around in the universe. he needed to invoke a sense of insult. how could someone so... despicable invade the family's sweet dream? he needed sunday to be so wound up over his presence in penacony that he couldn't resist the urge to put The Vile Avgin back in his place. idk THIS ("this" being the real world parallels of how the catholic church ethnically cleansed the rroma during the 16th and 17th centuries) is a whooooole issue in itself that i don't have the time to go into rn because we're supposed to be talking about dr. ratio. oops

anyway the important thing to understand is that ratio absolutely does not look down upon aventurine's heritage. he was acting, with aventurine's blessing, to feed into sunday's biases. and he wasn't even good at it 😭... like look at this exchange from 2.0:

one snarky comment from aventurine and his ass is immediately Apologizing. his ass that's supposed to be acting like he doesn't respect or like aventurine At All. in fact, aventurine's "even under the watchful eye of the harmony..." comment feels a liiiiittle pointed lol. it's a subtle warning to ratio! like, "hey, dumbass, did you forget we're being monitored at all times?? knock it off."

and like this isn't even the only time ratio breaks character and puts aventurine's plan in jeopardy. he learns nothing from this interaction because it's worse next time. lmao:

this stupid fuckignb note. is extremely significant in manyyyy ways so we have to talk about it. first of all, stopping to check on aventurine's condition and to say "tell me if you can't hold on any longer" RIGHT IN FRONT OF SUNDAY (basically, since the family was monitoring everything and a few minutes later we see one of gopher wood's birds hanging out in that general area)?? BRO

if he wanted to, this brief interaction would have been enough for sunday to call their bluff. and aventurine knew that; many of his lines here feel like attempts to redirect ratio into picking the act back up and to stop trying to help him.

next, the stupid fuckignb note's contents. yes yes the second half is very sweet and it's all anyone ever wants to talk about and i understand because it probably meant the world to aventurine especially in that moment but i need you to look at the first half

ratio gave aventurine the answer..? he. gave him the answer. you might be wondering why this matters at all and i'll just have to redirect you to his actions in 1.6, wherein he notably refused to give any answers and let asta, stelle, and like everyone else on the space station flounder, learn from their floundering, and - ultimately - Grow

ratio is a teacher through and through. if someone isn't one of those "geniuses" he wants nothing to do with, they're a potential student in his eyes. and everything that happened in mundane troubles was the space station's final exam, so to speak. his inaction wasn't out of cruelty or because he didn't care about the fate of all the people on the station - obviously he did, because he was the one using the phase flame to teleport the missing researchers to safety...

he posited himself as a safety net in case things went horribly terribly wrong, but he left most of it up to stelle and asta, because he believed in them. they had all the information they needed; they just needed to figure out how to utilize it. and if they failed, well... they had their safety net, and failure is a learning experience too. like, ratio wants people to learn. he wants them to have all the skills and knowledge they could possibly need to take charge of their lives.

the "geniuses" of the world, the head honchos, the impossibly rich 0.0001%? whatever you want to call them, there's always this Upper Level in society that can do things "ordinary" people can never dream of doing. their way of life is simply unattainable. ratio disagrees. he believes that anyone can do anything, if someone would only take the time to teach them. and he's chosen to be one of those teachers! instead of sitting on his ass and just theorizing about a better, fairer society, he's doing what he can to make a difference.

(not so self-centered after all, huh?)

so like. when you remember how much of a teacher ratio is, like this is a philosophy ingrained in his very bone marrow, it's a pretty big fucking deal that he just GAVE aventurine the answer he needed. it shows how concerned he was! and how guilty he felt about the part he had to play!!!! his words and actions were so far removed from his actual thoughts and feelings that he literally HAD to put the whole operation at risk to remind aventurine that he doesn't view him the same way sunday did, give him a safety net, AND let him know it's there. because at this point he felt that the plan was too risky and he cared too much

like honestly i think he hoped aventurine would read the note before putting on his "performance" and readjust accordingly. but then he didn't <3 and acheron had to remind him that it was still sitting in his pocket <3 if she hadn't said anything about it i don't think he would have opened it adgsmbfdndhfbkjjbg <3 oh i love a mess <3 anyway i think this serves as a suitable refute for the "dr. ratio was racist towards aventurine" sentiment that continues to fly around in some parts of the fandom, so? MOVING ON

i ended up talking about this already, but looking more closely at how ratio looks at the world was a biiiiiig part of why he grew on me So Much. it's all actually really noble and worth admiring. again, he just talks like a dick so it's easy to get confused LMFAO

he never received nous' recognition not just because he "cares too much" (as you'll see some people vaguely claim and then not elaborate), but because he fundamentally disagrees with the ideology that allows the genius society, the path of erudition, and even nous themself to exist.

there's like... a certain "threshold" of intelligence and knowledge that nous operates off of. the unknown, the near-or-actually-impossible to comprehend, things that the average person would never be able to grasp and would never care to try because it's simply beyond them - that's all nous cares about. but ratio doesn't believe this threshold exists. he doesn't believe in knowledge that cannot be taught. just to reiterate: he believes anyone can learn anything if someone teaches them, and they will care if they know someone will be there to teach them.

but if anyone can follow the footsteps of geniuses, then Genius is no longer a superior echelon of society. the end goal the erudition seeks is no longer "beyond the limits of mortal wisdom."

nous rejected ratio because he rejected them - long before he fully understood that he did so.

i think he only ever tried to seek their recognition because it was expected so highly of him. like, he was a prodigy child, absorbing new information and collecting phds at the speed of light. of course every adult around him was like, "oh yeah this kid's a future genius society member" and then they told him this. over and over. and he was like, Okay, so this is the path i'm supposed to embark on, and i must do it and i must succeed (or i'll let them down; i'll be a disappointment, a failure, a waste of resources and all the hopes and dreams everyone's pinned onto me.)

he spent a good few years trying and failing to conform to nous' surprisingly (ironically?) boxed-in mindset. but they ignored him, probably because they predicted that even IF they recognized him while he seemingly ascribed more closely to the erudition's beliefs, he would ultimately wander off and "waste" time trying to nurture the achievements of "mere" mortals instead. and then he had to sit there and be like ok i apparently fucking failed at the one thing i thought i was supposed to do with my life, What Now

and this results in the dr ratio we meet in game. still haughty, still has an attitude problem and a bad temper, still has a tendency to talk down to people (i think though at this point his condescending tone is more of a defense mechanism and a way of isolating himself from others before he is once again rejected from a "part" of society after trying, trying, and then Failing to conform to a box), but! considerably more humble and far more focused on others than himself. he cares, ok. he cares an awful fucking lot. he believes in the good of humanity. humanity's ability to do good, to grow... to find the answers to its problems, implement them, and save itself.

plus, "character that's very admirable and very kind and loving IN THEIR OWN WAY (<- this is important because ratio isn't any of these things in a traditional sense and that's another part of why i've come to like him; it's interesting) but is cursed to just sort of talk like a total jackass forever" is an extremely entertaining concept

one other thing that's less significant than realizing ^^^^^^^ALL OF THAT. GOD .but still played a big part in my warming up to him, is how fond he is of those stupid rubber ducks and the goofy poses his statues are in. and also how his very first introductory cutscene is him playing chess BADLY (😭😭😭😭) against himself. that speaks to a sense of whimsy and playfulness that he doesn't have much of an outlet for. which i find... cute. and an aspect of his character that's a ton of fun to play around with

IN CONCLUSION: i mean he's okay i guess

[cicadaknight]

Durge Timeloop: Hadrin

Half-Elf Drow | Monk (Four Elements)

Honor Mode Attempt #1 | 5h 26min

Cause of Death: Angry Gnolls

Dark Urge Influence: Powerful

Companions Lost: Gale, Karlach

[lvlystars]

it's 3:27 in the morning. i just had a dream and i can't stop thinking about how fwb!frat boy!wonwoo coded it would be.

tw: alcohol, mentions of partying drinking, a little suggestive (nothing seriously filthy hehe), just a man that was an asshole, but he doesn't have a word in this bcus fuck him

fwb!frat boy!wonwoo who parties like no tomorrow. gets shitfaced every other day and is frowned upon by a LOT of people of all generations. you would ask him why he drinks and parties so much, and his simple answer to that is just: because it's fun 🤷‍♀️

you would tag along too. you would have fun, party all night with wonwoo, and maybe get a little intimate with him — not even maybe, you WILL somehow get intimate with him, and it's not even just sex. sometimes you guys get back to your apartment, your hushed giggles resonating in the halls as you stumble over to your home, and the minute you manage to open the door, the man is immediately pulling you to your room. he's all over you, peppering little kisses along your neck to get maybe a little giggle out of you, and flops you both onto your bed and cuddles you until the morning.

but just because he always wants to party doesn't mean he urges you to come all the time.

you were just back from a date. your feelings for wonwoo were growing at this point, but you didn't want to act out on them without seeing if he reciprocated, and you were tired of waiting for the signs at this point. so you took it upon yourself to find a date on tinder and see how it went.

to put it short, it went horribly (you've never met such a narcissistic man that checked off every single red-flag trait in the book).

you were so butt hurt by how the date went, you felt pathetic. dating someone was not the big problem here, but you just felt so bad in the moment, it felt like you were never going to find love.

you were so busy wallowing in your sadness that you forgot about how wonwoo had the keys to your home, and how he always picks you up before going out to another party he somehow knows about. but the minute he opens the door and sees your state, the smile on his face drops, and the party is completely erased from his mind as he leans against the wall, looking at you with the softest, concerned look.

one look at him has you immediately rambling about everything that happened, your voice growing thick with sadness as you held back sobs, and this man drops anything and everything to stay with you that entire night, making phone calls about how he can't make it that night.

fwb!frat boy!wonwoo who, despite his reputation of partying like no tomorrow, will drop everything to stay with you for the night if you're not able to make it. he would make you all the drinks you needed, and would order all the comfort food you wanted to help you feel better. acts of service is his form of love, so best believe everything will be done for you as you spend the rest of your night with him.

uhhhh my creation juice kinda ran out here. I'M SORRY.

wc: 504

tags 🏷️ —

@arafilez @etherealyoungk @haowrld @hannieheartuu @kyeomyun @seuonji @shuahaes @saiiidahyunee @welcometomyoasis @wqnwoos @wheeboo @yoonzinuhh @shieunviya @shaminari

[musingsunderstarlight]

I strongly urge radfems to call out racist behavior when you see it here. And no, this does not mean “coddling” or excusing men of color.

Colorism/racism is a MAJOR issue in South Asia and anyone acting like you need to dismiss the concerns of darker-skinned south Asian women is complicit in their suffering. To fight misogyny you must fight racism and colorism. Solidarity means acknowledging the validity of all our suffering AND the different axes upon which we suffer this oppression.

While feminists can continue to have civil debates on where exactly racist prejudice and discrimination manifest within the scope of laws, policies, or society in general, the outright support for it automatically means you are NOT a radical feminist.

Being a radfem means you do NOT support perpetrators of racism no matter who the victim.

And for that matter, being a radfem means you do NOT support using the r slur, as it is an attack on people with intellectual disabilities, WHICH INCLUDES WOMEN.

Enough. Make it clear to fake radfems that they DO NOT belong here and their behavior WILL NOT be tolerated.

If you think someone’s sheer anger and rage at the violence against women everywhere in the world isn’t valid because they don’t also support racism, you are not a radfem. You’re an asshole.

[moonyswritinq]

looking at you — loki laufeyson x male reader oneshot

❝ LOOKING AT YOU ❞

SYNOPSIS ➢ Yours and Loki's relationship had always been made up of remarks, rude comments and arrogant opinions. An Asgardian ball brings more than you bargained for and you are finally confronted with your feelings.

PAIRING ➢ loki laufeyson x male reader

CONTENT WARNING ➢ nemesis to lovers, gay reader, flirting, fluff, angst ish?, hurt then comfort, cursing, tension, banter, kissing, implied sexual content, rude comments, reader's sexuality assumed, reader's brother's name is Theodore, kinda? dark backstory for reader, maybe slight ooc Loki, ODIN !!!, takes place before Loki finds out he's a Laufeyson so that is why he is Odinson, just two giggly gay men being in love

WORD COUNT ➢ 4.1 k

AUTHORS NOTE ➢ references reader as you, y/n and y/l/n! finally, i bring you all a male reader fanfic! i've been trying to finish this for ages and i'm so happy i finally got it done. this is for you, Phillip &lt;3

MASTERLIST

The first time you visited Asgard you were blown away by it. The colours, the people, heck, even the damn cobblestones seemed magnificent. It was all so much brighter than you were used to. Growing up, you’ve lived in your family home, passed on from generation to generation. It’s a dark and depressing house that somehow always manages to press onto your lungs, trying to suffocate the soul out of you. You were so used to the darkness that when you travelled to Asgard with your family it felt as if you could for the first time breathe properly.

Perhaps the earliest thing you remember in your life is the portrait in the living room. The windows are tall, yet the sunlight never seemed to reach the room inside, always casting the house in an eerie shadow. You remember sitting on the stool, having been told to stay still. Afraid to move. Afraid of the consequences of  disobeying your mother. Theodore, your older brother, towering beside you, your mother’s hand on your shoulder. A predator setting its claws in its prey. 

It’s been that way your whole life. Always staying in Theodore’s shadow — which you didn’t mind, really, because it meant your mother’s focus was on him and not on you. That didn’t let you off the hook completely, though. No, your mother has always been breathing down your neck about proper behaviour and the future and what you should and shouldn’t do. Your father isn’t much better; a figure you rarely see and when you do it is just to agree with your mother and remind you of the future legacy.

Suffice to say you desperately needed to get away. Theodore was to be wed to some lady of Asgard and the pressure was now on you to find a bride of your own as well. As if you’d ever let that happen. He suggested to your parents that he would take you to an Asgardian ball coming up and take the opportunity to introduce you to his fiancé. Somehow, your parents let you two go alone. Thank the gods. The last thing you needed was your parents hanging over your shoulder all night.

Magnificent. 

Magical. 

Absolutely, impossibly, beautiful. 

The only words you could describe Asgard with. The golden city is glittering in the setting sun. You don’t even mind that it blinded you. Your breath is knocked out of you every time you see it — as if you’re gazing upon it for the very first time. You and Theodore made your way down the rainbow bridge, swallowed by the sea of revellers also wanting a taste of the Asgardian castle. You were clothed in the finest suit you owned, black fabric hugging your frame and trying desperately to avoid the other people. You scowled as an intoxicated woman brushed up against your arm, almost spilling her entire drink. 

“Watch it,” you snapped. She gave you a dark glare and turned to leave, quickly getting lost in the crowd

“Bastard.”

Theodore rolled his eyes. “Would it really be too much to ask for you to not act like an asshole tonight?”

You gave him a sideways glance, cocking your head. He just sighed and urged his feet forward. It wasn’t that you hated being here — you would much rather attend a ball than stay in that awful house another second. But that didn’t mean you were happy to be here — it isn’t your life. This was sunlight and glamour and blooming flowers in the spring. You were rain and quiet and a book on an autumn afternoon. 

Besides, there was a particular man you were hoping to avoid. You didn’t need tonight to get any worse.

You passed the gates, your head thrown back admiring the walls. They really liked gold, huh? Your brother tugged on your sleeve, urging you forward. 

“Why in such a hurry, brother dearest?”

He chose to bite back his reply, knowing you couldn’t help yourself. One day that tongue of yours was bound to get you in trouble. He led you through the giant doors, held open to welcome the stream of guests. Flowing gowns, extravagant costumes, silken robes: they were all a blur of colour in the great hall. It stretched down opposite the great doors, ending in a golden throne. God, these people really were excessive.

The floor was a shining mix of white marble and golden threads that stretched to the walls and climbed upwards, towards the roof. If you looked closely, you could see the golden threads shining faintly and moving very slowly, as if the dancing gave life to them. An easy illusion, you could clearly determine, but a beautiful one for the simpler eye. 

Theodore started down the hall, pushing his way through the dancing crowds. You hurried after him, afraid you’d lose him in the blurring colours if you stood still for too long. That wouldn’t be the worst thing, though, you realised. 

This really wasn’t your scene. You usually felt like a black spot in the midst of movement, a token misplaced, compared to every other gentleman in the halls. A shadow hiding in a dark corner. But not tonight. Tonight, it felt as if a hundred eyes were fixated on you, watching your every move. You threw a glance over your shoulder, trying to ease the fear of someone staring at you. It didn’t go away.

Theodore was leading you towards the throne. Oh, no. That’s the completely wrong way you wanted to be walking. You tried to signal Theodore, but he ignores you and keeps walking. God, he’s stubborn. It’s too late now anyway. You could feel the eyes of Odin, king of Asgard, on the two of you, approaching with raised chins and well-kept smiles. 

“Welcome, honoured guests!” His smile was wide and his eyes alight with amusement. Despite the warm exterior you couldn’t help but shiver at his penetrating gaze. Something about him put you off. “Theodore y/l/n, I am delighted you could attend tonight’s ball.” His eyes shifted to you. “And I see you brought a guest.”

“Oh, yes, this is my younger brother, y/n.” Theodore bowed his head at Odin. Beside him, stood Frigga, the Queen of Asgard, who nodded back. “I wanted to introduce him to my betrothed — with your permission, of course.”

You shot a sideways glance at him. Who even was this bride?

“Of course,” Odin’s voice boomed. He gestured to a guard and muttered something in his ear, who in turn bowed deeply, almost touching his toes. 

You rolled your eyes. The disgusting ass-kissing apparently wasn’t excluded from the halls of Asgard. A lady came forwards, taking your brother’s arm and smiling up at him. You cocked an eyebrow.

“y/n, this is my betrothed, Cassandra,” said Theodore. She smiled at you, offering you her hand. You glared at it but didn’t make any effort to take it. Your brother cleared his throat at her faltering smile. “I am so happy you finally have the chance to meet.”

“I am too,” said Cassandra. “Theo’s told me so much about you, y/n.”

You crossed your arms, glancing at your brother, knowing fully well that all you had known about her before this day was that she was a woman. “Yeah, you too.” 

Theodore bent down to Cassandra’s ear and whispered something you couldn’t and frankly didn’t have any interest in hearing. She left with a small smile, her sage gown fluttering behind her. 

“What the hell was that?” hissed Theodore. “Can’t you behave for more than one minute?”

“I don’t know, can I?” You raised an eyebrow defiantly at him. He gave you a flat look and you threw your arms out in exasperation. “Come on, I greeted her, I talked to her — what more do you want from me?”

“You barely said more than two words to her!” Theodore pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “You didn’t even try.”

You gave him a flat look. “I didn’t need to try to know I don’t like her.”

Theodore’s gaze pinned you to the spot. You looked away from it, trying to ease the squirming feeling. “This is important, y/n, not just another childish game.”

“I am offended by that.” Another look. You rolled your eyes. “Fine, I’ll try.” At that exact moment, Cassandra returned to her spot beside your brother.

She fixed you with a look, tilting her head. “If you keep rolling your eyes like that they will get stuck. We wouldn’t want you gazing into the back of your head for the rest of your life, would we?” she said, a smirk on her face.

Your eyes widened, glancing between her and your brother. He smiled, giving you a knowing look. Your smirk grew as you leaned forward. “And why wouldn’t we want that, m’lady?”

“Then you wouldn’t be able to see my punch coming.” She pouted, but her eyes shone with amusement. “Not really a fair fight, is it?”

You chuckled, leaning back on your heels. “Maybe I do like this one, after all.”

“What did I tell you, brother?” laughed Theodore. You dipped your head, smiling.

“Yes, yes, you were right—“

Your words faltered when the princes of Asgard walked into the hall, every eye turning to them. Thor, his blonde hair almost glowing in the fiery light, a charming smile on his face, walked towards the throne. He shot every person he passed a wide grin. Beside him walked his younger brother — the menace, as you liked to call him. His dark hair slicked back in loose curls, framed his green eyes. A thin smirk played on his lips as he made his way towards you, and when his eyes found yours you could see the mischievous glint in them. You let out a deep sigh and had to fight the urge to roll your eyes at his growing grin. Smug bastard. 

“Father, mother,” announced Thor, bowing slightly at the king and queen, his brother following suit. He turned to your brother and Cassandra with a smile. “My lord, my lady.”

Theodore clasped Thor’s forearm, bringing him into a hug. He muttered a few words into the other man’s ear, to which he smiled. You rolled your eyes.

“I don’t see why I am required to be stuck here with a far from desirable company.”

“Pleased to see you too, my dear y/n,” drawled Loki from his spot beside Thor. You mouthed an ‘I hate you’ before raising an expectant eyebrow at your brother. 

Theodore rolled his eyes. “Brother, you know the whole reason why you’re even here.”

Loki’s ears perked, suddenly standing up straighter. “Oh, is there some delicious y/n drama I hear? Pray tell, darling.”

“Shut up,” you warned Theodore, sending a glare to him. You’ve never felt a connection with women, no matter how beautiful or quick-witted or intelligent. None of them made you feel that spark, that fiery feeling you knew should be in your chest. Something to make you desire them, want them. You wanted to feel it — so badly. Your brother didn’t know it, but you knew you would never find a suitable wife.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Loki, leaning back on his elbows against the throne, a confident smirk on his lips. He wasn’t wearing his usual gold and green armour but had opted for a subtler dark green suit with gold accents, the laces open at the collar. The firelight from a nearby chandelier danced across his face, shading the edges of his jaw. Your eyes jumped between his features, drinking in the collected demeanour on his face, his cool gaze turning to you.

Your eyes immediately turned away, feeling your cheeks start to burn. Wait, why were you flustered? You’ve never particularly liked Loki. He was stubborn and arrogant and infuriating. He always knew exactly what buttons to push to get you enraged. Your relationship was strictly confined to petty remarks, rude comments about one another and endless teasing banter. You couldn’t change that because of some idiotic emotions. 

Thor walked up the dais to the throne, a woman by his side. He introduced her as Jane Foster, the person he was courting. Odin gave him a look you couldn’t decipher before his eyes turned to Loki. The orchestra started playing a lively waltz, the music curling around every person in the room.

“Loki, you should follow your brother’s lead,” said Odin, “Find yourself a partner.” You didn’t miss the glance Loki sent your way at those words. 

“Actually, I would rather not,” he drawled, rolling his eyes. “I much prefer the life of an available man. Settling down is much too, what’s the word? Boring. Besides, there is nobody fitting enough for me.”

Thor tried and failed to hold in a snort. You raised a questioning eyebrow his way but he only responded with a half-committed shrug. Odin’s eyes darkened. 

“You’re Asgard Royalty, the future of this kingdom. You have to act the part.” said the king.

Frigga put a hand on her husband’s arm. “Do not be so hard on him, he is still very young.”

“At least find yourself a partner to dance with,” Odin sighed in exasperation.

Loki pushed himself from his elbows, straightening. He let out a dry chuckle, but his eyes were fixated on you as he gritted out a choked, “Fine.” He walked towards you, extending his hand with expectation in his gaze. 

Your eyes widened as the realisation hit of what he was indicating. What was he thinking? “Loki, I—“ you managed to force out but trailed off from lack of words.

“Come on, don’t you just stand there staring, love, at least try to move your feet.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, letting out an exasperated sigh. “If you think everyone’s watching you, they’re not — they’re watching me.”

You sent him a tight smile. “Charming.”

“Only for you, darling.” He gazed at you through his lashes, a confident smirk on his lips, and his palm outstretched. Your eyes tried to find Theodore’s, or even Thor’s, but they were both gone with their respective partner. You sighed and placed your hand in Loki’s, somewhat reluctantly, and let yourself be led towards the edge of the dance floor. His fingers closed over yours, guiding you to where it should be placed over his shoulder, letting his hand wrap around your waist. He took the first steps of the dance, guiding you with him. 

You studied his face, examining the way his eyes glinted in the firelight. They were as amused as ever, the exact picture of mischievousness. If eyes were the windows to the soul then you had a pretty good idea of what his soul looked like. His smirk was as charming as ever, tongue as quick, yet you could not determine the change in him. Why would he suddenly disrupt 

You tilted your head to the side ever so slightly, narrowing your eyes. “Why would you do that?”

“Do what?” questioned Loki, innocence lacing his words.

“Don’t act all innocent now, Loki,” you spit out between gritted teeth. “Asking me to dance — what were you thinking?”

He rolled his eyes. “I was thinking I wanted to dance with you.”

“Why?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“When you have spent your whole life despising me, then yes. You always have a reason.”

Loki sighed, leaning closer to your ear. “I have never despised you, love.”

He leaned into you, hesitating before pressing a light kiss to your cheek and letting you go, turning to walk away. You stood there, breath hitched and a bit dazed from the interaction. What the fuck just happened? What was the meaning of that? People continued to dance around you, their colourful clothing a big contrast to yours. You hurried off the dance floor, trying to spot Loki’s dark frame. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed a green glimmer disappearing into one of the halls. Your eyes narrowed. There was no doubt it was him. You took off, walking with determined strides towards the doors. The hall was darker and a lot quieter than the main hall, the silence almost suffocating. Only the occasional note or laugh seeped through the strong oak doors. 

Your eyes roamed the shadows beside you, all too aware of Loki’s ability to disappear whenever it pleased him. 

“Loki,” you called out, even though you knew there would be no reply. 

Your feet took you down the marble floor, every step too loud in your ears. There was no sign of him. You felt your cheeks burn, embarrassed and furious — a dangerous combination. Of course, he would toy with you, with your feelings. You knew Loki better than to expect anything less from him. God, how could you have been so stupid?

Loki would have it coming. He will have something coming, you just didn’t know what, yet. He may be a god, but you were a vengeful man with way too much time on your hands. 

Without a second thought, you set off to the gardens. It was the only place you were going to be left alone tonight. The cold air hit your flushed skin, furiously trying to cool it down. You took off your jacket and unbuttoned the few top buttons to quickly lower your temperature. Asgard’s palace may be beautiful, but it attracted the warmth too quick for your liking. 

Your breath fogged in front of you and despite yourself, you let out a chuckle. Either it is too cold or too warm — nature was never happy.

“You will become sick like that.”

You spun on your feet, standing face to face with Loki. The moon lit up his face in an entirely different way than the firelight did. His jaw sharper. His eyes too cunning. His skin like a pale ghost waiting to haunt you after its death. You let out a breath, shaking your head.

“What do you want, Loki?” 

He tilted his head, his hands in the pocket of his pants. His gaze was almost… amused? “I don’t want you sick.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” You turned away from him, instead opting to admire the landscape around you. A large tree stood a few feet from you, its branches reaching for the sky like drowning hands in a lake. 

“Is it not obvious?” he asked as you turned around to face him again.

You sighed with exasperation, rolling your eyes. “No, it is not obvious, Loki. You are toying with me. I know we don’t get along well but messing with my emotions is over the line.”

“Yes, I know, I’m so—” Loki cut himself off, his eyes narrowing. He opened his mouth but promptly shut it. “Your emotions?”

You realised what you had said and immediately turned your gaze away. “No. No emotions. What are emotions? You have emotions.”

Loki chuckled, walking closer to you. “Is there something you wish to tell me?” he asked with a growing smile, furrowing his brows. You continued to avoid his gaze, shaking your head. His hand cupped your chin, tipping it so you were forced to meet his eyes. “Are you sure?”

You were about to deny all claims when a thought made itself known, causing you to smirk at him. “Actually, I think you have something to tell me. Wasn’t it you who so desperately wanted to have a dance with me? Who kissed me?”

This time it was Loki’s time to blush, eyes lingering on your lips before diverting to the sky. His hand began to slip from your cheek but you caught it before it did, bringing it to its place again. You smiled reassuringly at him, meeting his eyes again. Slowly, you leaned in, hesitating halfway when he had made no sign to move. Despite yourself, your thoughts began to run wild. 

Had you read the interaction wrong? Maybe he actually did want nothing to do with you. How could you even begin to explain a situation like this? Gods, he was really going to hate you after this. You sighed and tried to step backwards, but Loki’s hands suddenly firm grip on your collar pushed you forwards — into him. 

Your lips met his, soft and fierce at the same time. You closed your eyes, bringing your hand to the nape of his neck, pushing him closer to you. The kiss was everything you would expect from Loki. It was gentle but challenged you. He pushed you and you pushed back, just as hard. His hands snaked around your neck and began to slowly push you backwards. You felt your back hit the trunk of the tree, rather hard, and a breath escaped you at the impact. Loki pulled away, his eyes roaming your face, lingering on your lips. A laugh escaped him, causing him to fall against you.

“Who would have thought? The cold and ruthless God of Mischief turned into a giggling moron just for me.” You shook your head, chuckling and bringing your arms around him to hug him closer.

He pulled away to glance at you, dismay clear on his features. “Giggling moron? And this is coming from the idiot who can’t stop blushing every five minutes.”

You scoffed. “Not very polite for a prince, huh?”

“Well, what can I say? You bring out the impoliteness in me,” smiled Loki, bringing you in for another kiss. His lips trailed down your neck, sucking and biting at every piece of skin he could reach. Your hands found his hair, your head thrown back to give him better access. He was truly divine. And to think you had thought him so awful only hours before. To be fair, he was still an arrogant asshole — but a hot one at that.

You let out a low moan, something that seemed to make Loki only more motivated. You could feel yourself getting more aroused by the second and you swear that the two of you would have done it if it weren’t for two guards entering the gardens, chatting among themselves. Loki sighed against you, waiting until the footsteps of the guards had disappeared. 

They had been completely oblivious to the two of you, hidden beneath the shadows of the tree’s branches. A chuckle escaped your lips, meeting Loki’s gaze already on you.

“What?” you asked, brows furrowed.

He tried to hide his smile, averting his eyes. “Just— you’re so beautiful.” Your cheeks began to burn furiously and you tried to brush off the compliment as nothing. It only made Loki’s smile grow. “See, there you go blushing again.”

You gave him a deadpan look. “You’re one to talk, pretty boy.”

“I think I preferred giggling moron.” He took your hand in his and started to lead you into the palace. Thankfully, no guards were on duty in the halls you walked. It may not have been luck so much as Loki knowing exactly what routes would be guard-free. 

“You sure you wouldn’t want to take this night in another direction?” asked Loki, leaning against the wall with your hands in his. 

“As much as I would want to, my dear brother is probably driving himself insane searching for a lady to suit me,” you said with a roll of your eyes. Loki remained quiet, fiddling with your fingers. “What? Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

Loki scoffed, very clearly offended. “I am certainly not envious of some simple minded fool!”

Your eyes widened, a surprised laugh escaping you. “Oh my lord, you definitely are!” You took his hands and began to kiss his knuckles. “Do not worry, you’re the only asshole for me.”

He tried to hide his smile and turned to the door. “You’re terrible,” he muttered, opening the door and holding it for you.

You smiled — he made a point of avoiding your gaze — and leaned in to whisper in his ear as you passed, “Only for you, my darling.”

He took hold of your wrist, stopping your tracks. "I lied," he said. When you gave him a clueless look he cleared his throat. "When I said no one was looking at you, I lied. I was looking at you. I've always been looking at you, y/n."

Maybe getting involved with the God of Mischief wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all, you thought with a smile.

[jaedore]

BINDING BONDS | 10

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parings: jung jaehyun x reader

genre: ceo!au, arranged marriage!au, angst, asshole Jaehyun, swearing

[ ☽ smut (suggestive) | ◇ angst (belittling, swearing) ]

note: BB deals with themes of mental and physical abuse, which can be upsetting for some readers. If you feel uncomfortable reading these types of plots, you are advised to not continue. MINORS, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, but I advise you to skip the sexual parts.

[ 8k words ]

You can feel the Spring breeze settle on your skin, the cooling wind planting goosebumps on your naked back as it brushes the blankets from your body. You reach for Jaehyun and his warmth, but the familiar body isn’t next to yours. Lifting your heavy head, you search for him in the room to only find him leaning against the balcony, overlooking the city below his feet. Putting on one of his t-shirts, you walk to him and put your arm on his back, rubbing circles on it. Jaehyun’s gaze continues to stick to the city. To you, it looks like he didn’t get a lick of sleep, dark eye bags painted his face, restlessness coating his eyes, his face showed no emotion. 

“Good morning,” you smile. You comb your fingers through his hair hoping to alleviate whatever weighed his mind, “you okay?” 

Jaehyun slightly nods to you, his head falling before he turned to face you, “yeah,” he said, “let’s get going or we’re going to be late.” 

With that, Jaehyun turned around to head back to your room. Confusion blurs your mind as you watch his figure pick up the discarded clothes from last night. Why was he acting like this? Usually, he���d still be in bed and holding you in his arms, being all lovey-dovey. Was it something that you did last night that he didn’t like? Were you giving too much? Or too little? Did he just not get enough sleep? Nothing but the latter would answer your question after seeing him rub his face. 

“Do you want to go grab breakfast before we go? We have a bit of time,” you glanced at the clock. 

“No, actually. I’d like to get home as quickly as possible,” Jaehyun responded, not giving you a glimpse as he shoves clothes into his luggage, his hands tightening in stress as he didn’t bother to fold them but instead bunch them in his fists. 

“Okay,” you drag out, “are you busy at work?” You asked. You wanted to know if something came up from work that he suddenly had to attend, but that thought disappeared as Jaehyun peered at you with a sliver of frustration. 

“Yes, please. Let’s go home.” 

You two board the plane, sitting next to each other not peeping a word. The tension between you two was so heavy that even the plane itself would struggle to cut through it. You sat still in your seat focused on your tablet as you did some work, but you also didn’t speak to him, afraid that you’d set something off. And Jaehyun didn’t say anything to you, afraid that he wouldn’t be able to control himself. 

You’re only married to her for business, you think this is all happy and fairytale-like? That everything’s all lovey-dovey just because you’re married upon a contract? No, I bet she doesn’t love you, she probably hates you because of you who are. A dirty, scathing, slug who only clings to the Jung name. Get your head out of your ass. The words his father spat at him echoed in his mind, it was like he etched his own words into Jaehyun’s brain, making sure they’d stick there. 

He turned to you, who fell fast asleep, your head hanging over your tablet. Like second nature, Jaehyun gently supported your head until it was up against the headrest, he knows you’d complain about the pain if you stayed in that position. You looked so graceful, harmonious, you are everything he’s ever wanted but he knows he’s far from perfect. Jaehyun knows that you are perfect, that you deserve someone perfect, someone better than him. Who was broken, unfixable, and cold. Last night was the last night you were going to have each other, for he was convinced that there will no longer be a moment to cherish, a moment to be intimate, a moment to love. You were too good for him and he had been too selfish. 

When he saw you about to wake, Jaehyun snapped his head back to the window, waiting for the sight of home to desperately reappear and for things to go in the way they were meant to be, just like how it was in the beginning. Maybe it was always supposed to be like that. 

Perhaps you were tired and drained, or possibly just sleeping to avoid conversing with Jaehyun. You knew he was still frustrated so you didn’t think it’d be the right time to talk about your trip, you hoped you could reflect on that with him when he’s ready. You genuinely enjoyed every bit of it and you have hope that he did too. 

It’s 5 AM when you arrive back home, the dark night sits upon you two like the mood. Not a word has been exchanged since this morning before boarding and the feeling that you did something that wasn’t pleasant to him still lingered in your mind. 

“Are you okay?” You asked, your body shifted in the passenger seat towards his.

“I’m perfect.” 

“You haven’t talked to me ever since last night.” 

“I’m just tired, the time zone has me all messed up,” Jaehyun responds, his voice calm. 

Bullshit. You thought. “What happened at work? You said it was because of work that’s got you frustrated.” 

“I fixed it on the plane. We just had to seal a hard deal, but everything should be fine now.” he keeps his gaze on the road, but you saw the way his fist tightened against the steering wheel like he was trying to refrain himself from saying something. 

You reached for his free hand that rested on the console, “you know you can tell me anything,” you caressed it.

“I don’t want to talk about y/n, I had a hard day today.” He responds in a calm tone, but it’s enough to slightly set you off in a bad mood because you were just trying to be considerate. 

You don’t bother to respond, so you pay no mind to him the entire ride back home. You two are quiet in your seats again, letting the hum of the car above the pavement take over the silence. 

The sun begins to rise as you two safely arrive home, ready to sleep through the day hopefully to prepare yourselves for the following weekday. You two are quick to shower and change and settle for bed. You wait up for Jaehyun as he finishes doing his nightly routine, gazing at his reflection in the mirror of the bathroom you try to read his expression as to what is really wrong with him. Jaehyun wasn’t acting normal to you, but maybe he was telling the truth, that it is the jetlag and he’s just had a really hard day. 

Jaehyun glances at your posture, reading how your arms are crossed and your forehead is creased, it definitely lets him know that you want to talk, but your features soften when you catch him glancing at you. Your arms fall to your sides and you turn away from him, covering yourself under the sheets as you let out a disappointed sigh. In the flash of a second, he knows that you’re disappointed. Were you disappointed in yourself? Or in the tension between you two and his lack of care to communicate to you?

Quietly, Jaehyun crawls beside you, mimicking your actions, his back facing you like there was a wall between and no one dared to knock it down, for who knows what chaos it would bring. 

The next couple of mornings brought coldness to your body. Every morning when you woke up, he was already gone and out the door, not a text was sent, not a note was posted. Nothing. Like he just vanished in thin air until he appeared with the moon when you were deep asleep. 

You went to bed every night alone, too tired to wait up for him. You tried to talk to him, but it’d always just result in him brushing you off like the dust on the picture of you two in Paris you gifted him. Even if you did talk to him, it was short and general. When you tried to ask him what was wrong, you’d apparently press the wrong buttons and an argument would ensue. 

One night you grew out of his silent treatment. As soon as he stepped through your shared apartment, the time had already reached midnight. Jaehyun walked in, surprised to see you sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in your hands as you gazed at the lights that protruded through the night sky. The image of you before him made him long for you. He knew you were upset, he could tell in the glint of your eyes when your head turned to the sound of his steps. 

“I didn’t think you’d still be up.” 

“I wanted to see you for once,” you respond.

“Look,” Jaehyun breathes, “it’s been busy at work.” 

“I can imagine-” you scoff, “-but do you think I haven’t been busy either? I still try to make time for us, but every time I do, it’s like you don’t want it.” 

“That’s not true. You know that.”

“But do I Jaehyun? You’ve been ignoring me for days! Every moment I talk to you, we always get on each other’s nerves and end up arguing. I haven’t even held you since we came back home. Please, please just tell me what’s going on.” You plead at the man in front of you, whose expression hasn't changed. You’re convinced that Jaehyun has turned off every emotion in his body, you’ve seen the cold, expressionless look too many times to count. 

“It’s just a bad time right now at work,” Jaehyun defends. 

“Yeah, I get it, everything is because of work. I got it,” you sigh, clearly too tired of the same answer over and over again. Perhaps it was a sign for you to stop. 

You stand from the couch, legs stiff from sitting so much, and you walk up to your room. Jaehyun doesn’t call after you. You even turn around to see him still sitting in the same position, his body facing where you once were. You wanted him to say your name, to run to you and envelop you, telling what was truly wrong. When the silence reached your ears, with sad eyes you left him in the living room until he was ready to come to bed. 

You don’t know when Jaehyun came, but when you felt the mattress dip behind you, you had a sudden urge to turn around and hold him in your arms, but when you turned around, you saw the well-known image of his back facing you. It took all of you to stop when you found yourself shifting your body towards him. You wrapped your arms around his large frame, sniffing the back of his shirt, inhaling the scent you missed every time you held each other. Leaning your head on his sturdy back, you heard his steady heartbeat. How peaceful it sounded. 

“I don’t know what’s going on, but please, let me know. I’m here for you, Jae. Please, please talk to me. I just miss you, I love you. I don’t know what happened that made us like this but please,” you beg, clutching onto him tightly as you prevent yourself from crying. You held him as tight as you could, afraid that if you loosen your hold, he’d slip right through your fingers like sand. 

Little did you know, Jaehyun heard you, he heard your sniffles and your broken voice. He knows you’re hurt because of him, but he also knows that this is for the better. It’s far better than if he were to completely give himself to you and let you do the same. So answering with silence, Jaehyun shifted away from your hold, leaving you alone and cold for the night. 

When he moved away from your body, you felt your heart clench. Your chest heaved and quiet tears streamed down your face as the cold air hit your chest. His silence and action threw answers that confirmed you were his problem. With a small part chipping from your heart, you turned your back to him, a regular body position you grew accustomed to. Minutes onto your side, you quietly turn back to check if Jaehyun was sleeping. His soft snores and long breaths proved your thoughts and with silent steps, you left.

You weren’t as silent as you thought, though. Jaehyun felt you leave, he heard you collect your things, shut the door, and exit the apartment. A big part of him wanted to sprint to you, but the other restrained him, bound him to the bed like the stars to the sky. 

Exiting the parking garage, you drove off into the night. You had no idea where to go at this time of the night, but the only person you wanted to see right now was your best friend. You took out your phone and dialed Haewon’s number, clinging to the hope that she’d pick up at 2 AM. 

After a couple of rings, the familiar voice rang through the line, “y/n? Why are you calling this late? Are you okay?” the grogginess could be heard in her voice and at once you felt bad for waking her up at such an inconvenient time. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. Can I sleep at your place tonight?” 

“Of course. Text me when you’re here.” 

Haewon kindly offered you the other side of her bed, since it was big enough for you two and possibly even somebody else. The soft duvet fell over your figure as you wrapped yourself in the nostalgic blankets, remembering the feeling from when you were young and would always have sleepovers with her. What the old times brought.

As always, Haewon was kind in letting you lay in peace before speaking. You were a composed person always with organized thoughts, but how come the expression across your face contradicts that? 

“We’re fighting again.”

Haewon’s head shoots to you with wide eyes, your face still facing the ceiling, “are you serious?” 

You nod to her answer, not knowing what other information to provide to her that won’t make you break down in tears. You were always horrible at holding your emotions in for such a long time that the tears brimmed and streamed down the corners of your eyes, wetting the side of your face. 

“Oh, honey,” Haewon coos you as she wraps her arms around you, giving you the warmth of her hug and the comfort in her touch as she rubs circles on your back, letting you cry out everything you’ve shoved down. 

“Paris was fine, it was fun, and I thought things were going great between us. But the morning we had to leave, it’s like he shut off all of his emotions. He won’t even speak to me and every time he does, it’s short-lived,” you briefly explain as your breath is still stable. 

“Do you guys argue a lot?” 

You glanced at her, “yes, but it isn’t as bad as before. It’s not what you think, but whenever something small happens, he just bursts at me.” Even through complications, you still find yourself defending Jaehyun. 

“Arguing is still arguing y/n,” she breathed, “I can’t believe he’s still doing this to you. Have you talked about it to him?” 

You shook your head, “Every time I try to, he always disregards it or says it’s because of work.” 

“Bullshit,” it’s like Haewon read your mind, but only said them aloud. 

“I-I don’t know what to do Haewon,” you stuttered as your arms fell to your side. 

“Maybe something happened at home?” her voice rose in suspicion. No, she didn’t know about Jaehyun’s father, but there were always circulating rumors. 

You inhaled a sharp breath, yourself beginning to calm down from your high of crying, “maybe. I don’t know, I’m done trying to talk to him for now.” 

Haewon embraced you in her arms, “come,” she lowered your body to the bed, “let’s get some rest.” 

As you lay alone in the silence, with Haewon fast asleep, you couldn’t help but think that maybe the reason why Jaehyun’s been worked up is because of his father. Maybe something really bad happened between them and Jaehyun didn’t want to tell you. Were you two really lovers if he couldn’t communicate with you? But again, it is something very private to him. Your heart began to play games while your mind made sure to keep your thoughts linear, but your heart won the match and by the time the sun rose, you hadn’t gotten the slightest bit of sleep. You woke up before Haewon did, texting her your thankfulness before driving back to your apartment. 

Jaehyun also couldn’t sleep. Without you by his side, how was he supposed to? Even if he was the one to push you away for the better, he knows his heart only belongs to you now. His large body took over your space and his limbs stretched to all corners of the bed hoping that he could build the same amount of warmth your body did when it was here.

Carefully, you cracked the door open to your shared bedroom, Jaehyun laid on his back, conceiving all the space on the bed. The fall and rise of his chest made your heart waver because you just wanted to jump in bed, to feel him, and to smell that homey scent he always carried. How peaceful things were before...where and why did it go so wrong? 

“You’re here,” Jaehyun rose from his bed, snapping you from your trance, “where’d you go?” 

You shifted your gaze from him, “yeah, I spent the night at Haewon’s,” you grabbed your clothes that hung in the closet, not giving Jaehyun any attention and getting yourself ready for the day. You heard a small “oh” coming from him as he left for the bathroom. You let out a long sigh that neglected to relieve any tension your shoulders held. 

You swung your blazer around your shoulders as you sat down on the edge of the bed, after finishing making it. Just in time, Jaehyun came out of the bathroom. Hair wet, towel around his waist, robust body, what a sight that captivated your eyes. The last time you saw him this revealing was your last night in Paris and that was a while ago, everything has changed after that. He was so tender, soft, and kind, the longing feeling weighed on your chest as your eyes followed his naked figure into the closet. 

“Jae,” 

“Hm?” 

“Can we talk?” you asked. 

“What about?” 

“Why have you been avoiding me? Is it because of your father? Are you having nightmares again?” Your gaze fell upon your fumbling fingers before Jaehyun could snap his head at you. 

He hesitated, “no.” lies. Part of it was, but most of it was because of his own self. Jaehyun couldn’t risk ruining your successful life with his dark, corrupt one. You were the most perfect person he’s met, even with imperfections and flaws, he saw you as an angel. He saw himself as the dust that was even lucky enough to brush past your beautiful face. 

“Then what’s the matter? Why haven’t you been talking to me, Jaehyun? Everything’s changed since we got back from Paris.” You stood from the bed in your poor attempts to get closer to him. 

Jaehyun let out a loud sigh, clearly letting you know he didn’t want to talk about this, “can we just talk about this after work? I don’t want to start the day like this.” 

Again. Again and again. How many more times will he brush this conversation? How many more times will he brush you off? You felt hopeless like you were drowning and Jaehyun was in the boat above you watching you be engulfed by the water, yet refusing to give you the anchor. 

“This is pointless,” you mumble. You quickly collected your things and left after making sure to slam the door behind you. 

Jaehyun watched you leave, it hurt him every time you did because he didn’t know if you’d come back. Every time he made you leave, you were angry and the night would just end up being filled with slammed doors and cold nights, whether you were present or not. He stared at the bedroom door for what felt like hours, wishing that you’d come back and want to talk about it and fix things. But what was he expecting when he was constantly pushing you away at every chance that was given to him?

The day didn’t go by any faster, any moment you had to yourself, your mind was occupied with Jaehyun. Like he made a home there and didn’t plan on leaving. You found it hard to not overthink everything. From the home-cooked meals to the sex, you couldn’t find anything wrong that you did. Maybe he didn’t enjoy the sex? Am I too controlling? What if I’m not giving him enough? Or Any? What if that’s it??

You sat in your seat, completely disregarding the presentation. Who cares about rubber shoes? Audace is a chic, luxury fashion brand, we don’t do rubber. You were so occupied in your thoughts that with abruptness, you stood from your chair and left the meeting without a word. You carried your portfolio and bag out the door with you, not bothering to stop at your office. 

At Jung Corporations, Jaehyun had just finished a meeting while his father was at another meeting outside of the building. He thanked the gods for their grace in giving him his own office, he wouldn’t be able to last a minute in the same room with his father. Looking over the notes on his tablet, his mind wandered to you again. Like your mind, you lived in his. Jaehyun always pondered if you’ve eaten, if you were taking plenty of mental breaks, and giving yourself the kindness your heart needed. Especially when he was treating you like this, he was sure to tell himself that this is for the best. He knows deep down in his heart that you deserve someone who can love you better than he can. Someone who can not only give you the utmost, fulfilling love, but also life. 

Like his whispered wishes, you barged through his doors. Jaehyun stood from his seat as he watched you saunter up to his desk with determination and anger in your eyes. There was no greeting, no hello, no warning, but just you pressing your lips against his. Oh, how much he’s missed the feeling, the warming pleasure from your lips, and how they executed tenderness. Like his body was running on his own, his arms made their way home on your waist, pulling you into his embrace. You gently tugged on the hair that laid on Jaehyun’s nape as he lured you to his body, before picking your legs and brushing papers from his desk to clear a space for you. 

You weren’t even thinking clearly, you were only driven by your emotions, but you missed him so much that even this kiss was everything. It’s everything that you ever wanted and you were ready to surrender and give all of your morals to him. 

Wrapping your legs around Jaehyun’s hips, he made his fingers busy by unbuttoning your top that laid beneath your blazer, later tearing it from you. Jaehyun’s fingertips set your skin aflame, every follicle of hair, skin he touched was burning and aching for more. 

“Please, please,” you whined when Jaehyun’s kisses trailed to your neck, giving your sweet spot attention. 

Regrettably, those words snapped Jaehyun from his muse. This is wrong, he thought as he immediately pulled away from you. You stared at him with your mouth slightly open, ready to say something, but he beat you to it.  

“This is wrong,” Jaehyun choked out. 

“I thought that this is what you wanted,” you whispered. 

He scoffed in disbelief, “are you being serious right now, y/n? Do you even hear yourself? Thinking that I only want you for your body?” 

“Well, it seems like it is because this worked,” you shot back, jumping from the desk. 

“You think that I’m in this for the sex?” Jaehyun questioned you, as you collected yourself again. 

It was your turn to scoff, “I’d like to think that because you haven’t spoken to me at all.” 

“We just talked this morning!” Jaehyun retorted. 

“Not like that. I mean like, actually talking about things other than your day, your work. I’m tired of it, I just want to talk about the things you enjoy, the things you want to do with me in the future.” You explained, sliding your blazer back on your cold body. 

“Well, I’m sorry that I can’t talk about you for a couple of days.” 

“That’s not what I meant! Oh my gosh Jaehyun, you are so oblivious.” You grabbed your things and left. 

You sat in your car, your head falling in your palms. What has gotten into you? This is not you, you never act so rashly like his. You’ve changed and right now you’re beginning to think it was for the worse. Tears threatened to brim at your eyes, but you pressed your palm against them hoping that they’d stay in because you still had half a day of work left. 

“Where have you been? You left so suddenly at the meeting,” your mother asked. 

“I just needed to take care of something.” You lied. 

“Is it because of Jaehyun? Is everything okay?” 

“It’s fine, we just had to figure some things out. Don’t worry about it mother,” you lied, again. How many more times were you going to lie to your own mother? Lie that you were okay and that you weren’t hurt, heartbroken?

“Okay,” she sighed in defeat, you were indeed stubborn, “well if you’re not busy, go check how the Designing Department is doing, and then you can head home. You don’t look too good.” 

“Yes, mother,” you nodded and headed to the lower level. 

You stood in the elevator, waiting for it to get to the designated floor. Your mind replayed your little stunt. You still hated yourself for making your way to Jung Corporations, just how desperate are you y/n?

Ding!

You stride towards the prototyping of the outfits, double-checking that everything was right. Making sure that each outfit was according to the style of Audace. You were already in preparation for Paris Fashion Week, you can’t let a small bead even be misplaced. Every stitching had to have the exact, appointed color; every fabric must be to scale and cut sharply, no loose threads. There’s no space for mistakes anymore. 

“How is this going, Chaeyoung?” Your eyes narrowed to speculate the embroidery of a jacket. 

“Perfect, we’re almost done. All we have to do is to sew in the beads in the embroidery.” Her head nodded to the jacket as her hands were occupied with another mannequin’s outfit. 

“I’m pleased to hear.” 

“Um, Miss y/n?” Chaeyoung’s voice called, but her tone was informal like she was talking to you as a friend. 

You turn towards her, humming for her call. 

“Are you okay? If I’m being honest, you don’t look the best,” she worriedly states. 

You blink a couple of times, even your mother said that you didn't look too good. Just how bad did you actually look? Last time you saw your reflection, you thought you looked decent, healthy at least. You nodded to Chaeyoung, “I’m fine, thank you. I’m actually heading home right now, so I’ll make sure to get plenty of rest.” 

“Oh...okay. I hope everything is okay.” 

Before leaving, you smiled at her consideration. It was interesting how everything ended up this way, especially between you two. You’d think that she’d have bad blood for you, but her kindness always made you reconsider that. In another world, you hoped that you two were genuine, friends.

You arrived home before Jaehyun, setting your things down at your feet, your body couldn’t even grasp energy to change. As soon as you closed the door, you grabbed a glass of water and sat on the couch waiting for Jaehyun to come home. 

The sky that was painted in streaks of red and orange, transfigured into dark hues, letting the moon take care of the people for the night. You found your mind reminiscing about your past and the fun trip to Paris. Everything was fun as long as it lasted, you somehow knew things were going to get worse before they got better, you just didn’t think it’d be this bad and come so soon. 

The familiar click of the door perked your head towards Jaehyun who looked like he had a stressful day. Maybe it was because of you, but you were silently praying that you were wrong. 

“Hey,” he greeted, untying his shoes. 

“Hi,” you shifted in your seat, waiting for him to come your way. 

Feeling the dip on the sofa, you two sat in silence, letting the absence of sound drape over the apartment. Only the sounds of the beating of each other’s heart could be heard among the hum of the city and the heat that flowed into your apartment. The flickering lights of the city reflected against your tall windows as you let yourself speak first. 

“What happened between us?” 

Jaehyun shook his head, “I don’t know.” 

“You’ve been avoiding me every second you have and when you do have a second, you’re arguing with me. Clearly-” you emphasized, “-I did something.” 

“No, you didn’t.”

“Then what is it? Is it your father?” your head turns to him, brows creased in concern. Jaehyun gave you no answer and you sensed that you were right, his father was the core of all this. “Jaehyun, it’s okay. I can help you.” you reached for his hand only to have him yank it away from you. 

“Don’t you understand? You can’t help me.” Jaehyun stood from the couch, walking to the kitchen. Frustration coated his words and it began to dig into your skin. You didn’t want to pry too much or press his buttons again, you just wanted to help. 

“Then tell me how. We can do this together,” your strides attempted to reach his figure, “I can find a way.” 

Jaehyun’s body rapidly turns to you, immediately making you stop in your tracks. Especially when you see red, anger in his eyes, “no, you can’t. Unfortunately, you can’t help me at all.” 

You shook your head in disbelief, “No, Jaehyun. We can find someone professional who can help.” 

“You don’t understand and you never will y/n!” He shouted. Your body slightly jumps from the reverberate of his voice, it’s been so long since he’s yelled at you like that and this time, it stings your skin like salt on your past wounds. “You will never understand because this-” he points to his chest, the one over his heart, “-is who I am.”

“No it’s not, this isn’t you Jaehyun.” you walk towards him, but Jaehyun only steps back away from you. 

“Yes, it is, y/n. This is who I am. I have been like this until you changed me for the worse. I cannot be fixed. I cannot be helped! I am like this!! This is who I am!!” Jaehyun repeats it several times until it’s ingrained in your mind. His shouting shoots at the wall vibrating his voice into your ears and it doesn’t sit well into your stomach. 

“You’re angry. I get it, let’s just breathe, okay?” You offer your palms to him, understanding that he could just be stressed. You’re ultimately wrong when he aggressively slides all of the papers and decorations off the kitchen table, letting the plants and papers crumble to the floor. 

“Don’t tell me to breathe y/n! I have held it in for so long, that I can’t do this anymore!” His chest rises from his hard pants. 

You stay quiet, anxious to ask him what flashed through your head in red blinking lights, “do what?” your voice is barely above a whisper, but Jaehyun hears it break. 

“This. I can’t do this marriage,” Jaehyun replies in the same tone. 

“When?” 

He looks at you with furrowed brows, “When what?” 

“Since when did you know you couldn’t do this?” tears begin to brim at your eyes, but couldn’t find care in the world to hold them back. Not after what you’ve been through, what he put you through. 

Jaehyun’s face becomes expressionless, “I don’t know.” 

“Don’t hit me with that bullshit, Jaehyun,” you scoffed, “since when did you fucking know?” 

“Our last night in Paris.” 

A loud sigh escapes your lips as tears stream down your face, wetting your cheeks, barely holding onto your jaw. “Then did you mean it?” 

“Mean what?” Jaehyun asks. His meaningless questions burrow themselves under your skin, how oblivious could he be?

“When you said you love me you asshole!” this time it’s your time to shout, but it’s more of a cry for help. You’re begging for him to give you the answer you want, but the world never liked playing on your side. 

It was like time had slowed down. You only stood a few feet from Jaehyun but it felt like miles. So far, yet so close. He stood in front of you hesitating his answer, debating if he could give you the truth or if it was better to rip off the bandaid and put a new one on it. 

“No.” 

You’re hysterical at this point, your cries turn into scoffs of breaths, which turns into laughter. They’re quick to rebound into loud cries when you feel your legs becoming weak. Instead of falling to the floor, you force yourself to stomp to your bedroom. 

Jaehyun’s eyes follow you, wondering what you could be doing. His answer quickly comes to him when you leave the room with your large duffle bag in your hand, full and zipped. 

“Where are you going at this time?” Jaehyun asks, surprised he even found the courage in him to ask. 

“Out. I’m done Jaehyun.” You slam the door shut behind, leaving Jaehyun in the empty, cold apartment. 

You ended up going back home, finding yourself in a spot where you had to explain to your mother. 

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you cried in your mother’s arms. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay to cry” she stroked your hair as she held you in her arms, “it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel what you need to feel.” 

Since your father was overseas, you slept with your mother, you couldn’t stand not being alone at this time. Being in your mother's arms reminded you of when you were little and you couldn’t sleep without her by your side, it makes you miss how easy life was. How happy you were without a worry. 

It’s been days since you’ve texted or called Jaehyun, he hasn’t bothered to reach out to you either. Every night for you was filled with tear-stained pillows and the unnerving feeling of calling Jaehyun, but you never reached across your bed for your phone. You two were good at being stubborn in ignoring each other, it makes you wonder if this was now the end. 

However, Jaehyun wasn’t handling the situation well. Every morning brought him agony that it wasn’t a nightmare, that this was real and you were truly gone. He stayed away from drinking, the clubs, and only locked himself in the master bedroom, away from the world. Jaehyun often looked out the window, looking below at the city. Knowing that the road leads up to the apartment building, he always watched out for your car, but he only saw it in his dreams. Jaehyun waited and waited for you to come back. Again, what is he expecting? He’s done his deed in pushing you away in the worst way possible, how much more did he want from you? Why was he now asking for you to come back into his arms when all you’ve been is forgiving and loving to him? And he was the one to ruin all of it? The one to just throw it away like it meant absolutely nothing to him when it really meant the world. It’s fucked up, it really is. 

Jaehyun thought about you every day. You live in his mind, you go to work with him, you’re in the car with him, you go to bed with him. He pretends you’re there in spirit, but he knows you’re physically gone. Insane, that is what he is. 

“Come on, it’s been days! You have to come out,” Taeyong speaks through Jaehyun’s phone. 

Jaehyun sighs, “not tonight Yong.” 

“You’ve been saying that every time I call you. You never come out anymore, is it because of y/n? Are you finally getting tied down?” Taeyong only says it to joke around, but little did he know, it had a great effect on Jaehyun. 

“Can you just shut the fuck up man? Jeez,” Jaehyun hangs up on Taeyong, clearly angry. He’s not though, he’s been constantly hurting, but Taeyong finds out the second he’s hung up on. 

That’s why in the next ten minutes, there’s a hard knock at the door, forcing Jaehyun to drag his body to the door. 

“What?” Jaehyun deadpans at his best friend who wore a smile on his face, which shortly falters after noticing the darkest bags under a pair of eyes. 

“What happened to you?” Taeyong walks past Jaehyun, welcoming himself into the apartment. He looks around, for never being in here, he considers it as a luxury apartment, but something was missing. It felt cold and empty in here. “Y/n here?” 

When he doesn’t get an answer, he turns to see Jaehyun silently crying, his head hanging in his palms. His shoulders shake from his cries as Taeyong embraces his best friend. Taeyong is completely lost, not knowing what was going on, but the only thing he knew was that he needed to be there for Jaehyun. 

“She’s gone,” Jaehyun sniffles. 

Taeyong pulls away to hear it again, hoping that the words Jaehyun expressed were false. Each time they’d meet up Jaehyun would never shut up about you, in the beginning, he’d grumble about the little things that you did that irked him, but as time went on, he found the little things to be the most precious. Taeyong found Jaehyun as a new jubilant person, he’d always look forward to things, he’d smile more at others, there was an unbeknownst glow that you brought to Jaehyun’s heart. 

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Taeyong’s brows creased. 

“She hasn’t been home for days Taeyong. She’s fucking gone!!” Jaehyun shouted at his friend, bloodshot, red, painted within his eyes. 

Days turned into weeks, which turned into a month. Yes, you kept count. It’s been almost a month without a sound from Jaehyun. You despised yourself for always checking your phone, thinking that the ding you heard was a text from him or a ring was a call from him. Your hopes failed you when you were faced with the ghost presence of him. A huge part of your heart wanted to forgive and go back into his arms, but another wanted to completely disappear from his world. You wanted to erase yourself from his story. You knew you couldn’t go back after he admitted that he couldn’t find it in himself to marry you or the fact that he didn’t mean a single action or word when you two were in Paris. 

Lies everything was a complete lie. You slam your portfolio shut as you gather your things into your bag. You informed your mother that you’d be home later, you had to go back to the apartment to collect your belongings. All of them. 

As you drive down the old road, little memories of you and Jaehyun lingered in your mind. The late, late ice cream runs, the drives to watch the sunset or sunrise at the pier, the little bits of laughter echoed through your ears, and the cold walks among the beach where you’d walk close to him. You two built many sandcastles that were washed away too soon by the harsh waves. 

The familiar, tall, silver building came into view too quickly. You parked your car into the parking garage and walked up to your room, your feet remembering every single step so well that you could’ve gone up safely with your eyes closed. You softly knock on the door, fully knowing that Jaehyun was home. After Taeyong visited Jaehyun, he called you that day, and several days after that, begging you to visit him for Jaehyun had been isolating himself and was completely miserable. 

The door swung open, letting a brisk wind blow past you, the nostalgic smell of your apartment softly hitting your nostrils. How much you’ve missed this. 

“Y/n.” 

“Hey,” your eyes scanned the man in front of you. Disheveled hair, dark eye bags, swollen eyes, and he looked like he’d been lacking in cooking for himself. Taeyong was right, he was completely miserable. But as much as your heart longed to forgive him, you couldn’t find it in yourself to give him that kind of benefit again. 

“Come in,” Jaehyun opens the door wider for you to come in. Nothing about the place has changed. You’re surprised by such a messy image of him, the place is well kept. 

“I’m just here to collect my remaining belongings,” you reply, already making your way up to your once shared bedroom before hearing a quiet “oh” from him. 

The room resembled your heart, it was chaotic. The bed wasn’t made, the curtains were halfway drawn, drawers were slightly opened by his inability to shove his clothes fully in, the laundry basket was overflowing and spilling of clothes, letting it scatter amongst the carpet. 

“Jaehyun,” you silently whisper at the state the room was in. You weren’t mad, you were just disheartened that Jaehyun had been this frustrated that he couldn’t even take care of himself. 

“I’m sorry,” he shoved past you, “I didn’t know you were coming,” he tripped over his feet by trying to pick up his dispersed clothing from the floor. 

“Jaehyun,” you choked out at the poor man who sat on the floor, scrambling on his knees unable to get back up, and you couldn’t resist it any longer.  He looked so frail, like a broken vase that had just been recently glued. You rushed to him and held him close to your chest, letting out a choked cry and tears streaming down your face. 

Along with your cries, Jaehyun’s was also heard. He clutched onto your arm that settled around him, afraid that if he’d let go he’d lose you forever. Heavy sobs left Jaehyun’s chest as his tears stained your shirt, were you here to stay with him?

Jaehyun pulled away from your embrace, he caressed your cheek as he brushed a tear from your eye, “please stay. Stay the night before we both decide we’re over.” He didn’t let you give him an answer because he knew you’d stay. Picking you up into his arms, he carried your frail body to the bed as you attempted to calm your breathing down. Jaehyun was careful in changing you out of your clothes and into a shirt of his, for that was the only thing that was left now. 

Nonetheless, you let him carry you, change you, you let yourself stay because you knew that this was going to be the last night you’d see him. It was a horrible thing, but you prayed for only one more night with him. 

Jaehyun’s body came flush to yours, letting his arms wrap around your waist to bring you impossibly closer. He looks at you with eyes full of love but also drowned in sadness. He knows you’re not here forever. Without hesitation, Jaehyun pressed his lips against yours, the very distant memory of his lips sliced through your mind making you yearn for him. It’s only been a month, but it felt like years since you’ve felt those pink, plump, soft lips of his. Like always, it interlocked with yours like the key to a lock, like the last piece of a puzzle, like the calming of a river. There was no stripping of clothes, no coitus, just the two of you locking your lips together, feeling nothing but the actions of your mouths molding together. Jaehyun’s hands wandered your body, his mind needed to memorize the landscape of your body just in case you’d leave forever. But soon, they found a home in your hair and on your waist, while you found your place on his back and nape, occasionally tugging his strands. 

It continued for a while until your jaw grew tired, your mind was worn and you were emotionally and mentally drained. As much as you didn’t want to, you pulled away. Jaehyun’s head softly fell on your chest, hearing the steadiness of your heart before he closed his eyes.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun whispered before drifting off. 

When Jaehyun woke up the next morning, you were gone. The cold, wrinkled bed sheet telling him that you left hours ago without a sound. From the corner of his eyes, a glint coming from your side’s drawer glared his vision from the sun. It was your ring and a key on top of a handwritten letter from you. Jaehyun firmly rubbed his eyes, hoping that he was seeing things, but it was too good to be true. 

Dear Jaehyun, 

We’ve spent these past few months in hate, lust, and love. We have so many lovely memories that I’ll cherish forever in my heart. From the drunken laughs to the pillow talks, I’ve enjoyed each moment with you, don’t you doubt it. 

I wanted to thank you for the things you’ve taught me. You have given me the patience that I didn’t know I needed, you taught me how to forgive, and you’ve helped me acknowledge that it’s acceptable to stand up for what you believe in. Along with that, you taught me that people can change. I want you to understand that I was nowhere near trying to change you or fix you. You are not broken, you have the infinite ability for self-growth. I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to help you, trust me I really did. But I cannot be with you until you love yourself. I cannot see you love me more than you love yourself. 

Don’t lie and tell me you haven’t meant anything you’ve said or done up until now. I know your heart, I know there’s love in there for me, your actions were always better than your words. You were never good at lying, your ears gave it away, but even so, your words found its way to my wounds and like salt, I gave it to you to pour on me. 

We were always good at ignoring each other and running away from our problems. To this day, I will forever wish that I woke up next to you, but I can’t do this anymore. If you don’t want this marriage, and you mean it, please forgive me for giving you every access to my heart. I wish that I hadn’t settled into the feeling of being someone you loved. 

My last wish is for you to find love for yourself. You are worthy, you are worthy of love and to be loved. You were never broken, you just had some cracked areas and I hope that you can go back and paint those areas with gold. You are a strong man, you’re capable of love, always remind yourself that. 

By the time you get this, I’ll be out and probably somewhere lost among the crowd. Please don’t look for me anymore. I need time and I need to make peace with my heart. This key and this ring is my returned gift to you. I hope you can give them to someone strong enough to teach you what I couldn’t. 

And perhaps if fate allows, we will meet again when we are older and wiser, but for now, goodbye Jaehyun.

With all my love, 

y/n.

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

Before Dawn (Levi x Reader)

So, I wrote this mostly in one sitting because I longed to post it on Archive of our own but I'm sure not all people read stories there, so if I can make someone's day brighter with some not so slow slow burn and eventual fluff then I'm in. I hope you enjoy, also I don't know how to add the read more option on mobile

Your face meets the hard, cold pillow of your bed with a loud but somewhat muffled thud. Your room turns darker and darker by each passing second as the sun slowly disappears behind the mountains. When you can't feel any stream of light entering the room you peak outside of your dormitory's window. Another exhausting day has finally come to an end.

Being the youngest member of Erwin's team isn't always as good as many of your comrades picture to be. Most of them believe you're babied, treated softly and specially, which is untrue to any possible extend. If anything, you're practically silenced by your other team members, who are much older and far more experienced than you. You do errands for everyone most the time and you're even assigned paperwork concerning fallen soldiers. You humph quietly. Soldiers can talk and gossip as much as they want, you're used to having to hear a new rumor about every one every passing week anyway.

Time seems to pass slowly as you're laying there, not moving a single inch of your body. In fact you contemplate on weather to even bat an eye to the direction of whoever's poking you. You have been satisfied with not having to talk to anyone for that little time you had to yourself.

"(Y/n) come on, we're just finished forming new squads."

Your much necessary time to relax seems to have to come to an end. It's almost never your choice, whether you get to rest or not that is, but you only sense it's going to get worse now that Erwin has been ranked as the new survey corps commander. A loud groan makes its way out of your barely parted lips. It only takes one second to storm out of your bed and another one to be able to stand still on your feet.

"Uhgh Hange, I hate that they have to do this right now. I was about to go shower." You mumble under your breath, solely with the intention of whining your way out of this situation. There's no such thing as convincing Hange out of pretty much anything anyway though, you scold yourself for believing it's worth the time.

The walk down the corridor is dull and silent and the only noise that can be heard comes from inside the dining hall that you pass without missing a heart beat. It's been a while since you started skipping dinner because your appetite was going down hill. In addition, it's not that Hange even brought up dinner at the sight of the dining hall.

Upon arriving at Erwin's door Hange lifts her hand and steadily knocks twice. You're not even standing on the spot for a second before the familiar word of approval is spoken from inside. Hange practically drags you inside, instantly adding tones of despair into your misery for the night.

Despite your best wishes, everyone in the room has fixed their eyes on you after the squeal you let out due to Hange's rushing movements. "Welcome (y/n)" Erwin speaks and you nod in response before saluting boringly. He urges you to take a stand between Levi and Mike and you comply without even trying to give it a second thought. Even though it's frantically silent in the room in a way you think that a single sound carrying breath could break it while Erwin speaks, you witness as Mike decides to tresspass that.

"You're squad Mike girl!" He whispers to you in a prideful way. His smirk betrays the happiness that has swelled on him by receiving this rank.

"Any questions?" Erwin asks before he forces his voice to come to an halt. Seeing that no one requests to know a thing from him he proceeds to call new squad leaders, one by one to pick members for their teams. Surprisingly enough, Levi gets called after Mike, speculating a peculiar reaction by the remaining veterans, even you, someone who has no place in voicing any object to Erwin's commands.

"Levi's not to doubt, I believe you all know that, and he will be running the new special operations team."

It occurred to you that no one was actually doubting Levi's abilities; most of them had probably been jealous to having to work that hard to receive a rank when he was only in the regiment for a year. However had they known Levi even in the tiniest bit though they'd never have an ounce of jealousy for him. Not that you knew much to beging with. What you had managed to gather from him about his past were a few broken sentences a night he accepted to come and hang out with your squad mates that he only spoke to you as he accompanied you to your barrack upon being forced by Mike.

You sit there, between the two men quietly for the rest of the long meeting and once you're dismissed you practically sprint to the showers. You know the water ought to be freezing cold by now but you preferre to endure this rather than having to wash alongside your female comrades. Growing up, your little given time in the shower was your only rightful privacy and you intend to keep it that way.

The water stops with a twist of your hand at the handle. You search for your towel in the dark and as you set your hands on it you rapidly begin to pat your body dry. Throwing your long nightgown on, you begin stomping out. Momentarily you seem to be in a haze of meaningless thoughts that pass your mind so fast, you can't even get a grip of them, many things seem to occupy your mind lately. New formations, improved harness gear, the news of your mother's death. You can't seem to put your thoughts in order, not for tonight at least. It's only when a deep, monotone voice rings in your ears that you jump and leave a little squeak come out of the depths of your throat.

"Oii"

"Shit! Don't sneak up on me like that" you wonder if you have to address him but in the end you do; in the end of the day you are one of formalities and everyone who knows you can confirm that. "sir.."

Levi simply clicks his tongue in response. You're the first person to address him as a commanding officer as of now, probably because every one else would need a moment to take it in, including himself.

"Thanks for making Isabel feel welcome back then." Levi's voice is barely louder than a whisper yet it never cracks, not even a little but that isn't what's taking you aback. The statement, in fact, sends you literally a few steps back and shoots your hand to your forehead in an act of despair. The cruel scene still plays in your head from time to time and you wonder how many times it must do so in his. You find your heart stopping for a moment before you feel a teeny flicker that sends your pulse running through your veins.

It's natural for someone not to be able to comprehend trauma in ways they are expected or rather forced to. Levi in particular is introverted and moody, if not most, then all of the time but this statement shines a different light on your understanding of his character. He's as emotionally drained and traumatized as someone can be. In fact, everyone is but this doesn't mean ones personal pain is lessened, in your opinion it makes it even worse.

"Not everyone is taught mannerisms I guess. The girls who made her feel unwanted can eat shit anyways."

It's obvious that Levi doesn't want to utter another word of the matter and you're not the one to push him out of his comfort zone. An uptight upbringing and the misfortunus chance of interacting with superficial assholes for equal parts of your life have taught you how to have temperament. To be patient even when you physically can't take it anymore.

"Tch.. Go to your barracks you're dismissed." It's time to bid eachother goodnight and of course Levi's eager to be the one to remind you of it. Tomorrow's a big day with everything you have to take care of after today's events. No cadet should be unable or not in position to assist by command.

"Sweating the chair already I see."

____

The next day starts with Nanaba waking you up. You take some time to adjust your eyes to the semi lit room. It strikes you how some people have always talked about how they missed feeling the magic of watching an eventual sunrise and even if you can see where they're coming from you're reminded every day of how much you despise every single aspect of it. Starting off with the runny nose it always bears for you as a hatred gift.

"I know it's kind of first thing in the morning but we have to help squad leader clean the office he was given.

Then again maybe you're just envying anyone who got to be woken up by sun's glowly warmth once it was already up in the sky.

"Hey, psst, don't zone out, get dressed."

Erratically, you skip breakfast. You fail to be in the mood for food lately most likely due to exhaustion or general disgust of whatever soup dish you are to be served. Your stomach has stopped trying to object to you since a young age. The only thing that ever makes it groan nowadays is guilt. With that devil of mother dead though it's not like you have anything to feel guilty for anyways.

"So here's your mop." Mike forces the object into your hands before you even get a chance to greet him. "Okay I repeat. Nanaba scrubs, (y/n) mops, Henning waxes. Lynne and Tomas you dust everything off. Understood?" All of you salute him with a 'yessir' before you watch him exit the room.

You spend most of your morning scolding Nanaba to go faster before you ultimately decide to switch places with her. You want to be over with cleaning, although you have no idea as to why but you do find yourself imagining that Levi sees you cleaning and thinks you're amazing at it and asks you to help him far too many times to count. You end up scolding yourself for that too. Nevertheless, it takes almost half an hour to finish with scrubbing, something you guess would have taken Nanaba eternity and a day.

Any sweat that's falling down your forehead you rub it off with the back of hand before you excuse yourself to a break. Seeing that no one will follow you stroll swiftly down the wooden hallway, with the restrooms in mind. You walk past Mike on the way, whom you greet cheerfully while fast informing him about your break. You're positive he practically smell your bladder is about to burst.

______

Tonight Hange draggs your unwilling piece of meat to dinner. She takes you to her usual table and sits you down amongst higher ranks. Some part of your brain fights you about not taking a stand against it. Your mother has always pressed for you to not enjoy what other in higher hierarchies have. But that's just a wooden fucking table with a stall. The voice in your head can shut it.

"Eat." Hange looks at you with a toothy grin, head tilted in your direction as she a eats a spoonful of her vegetable soup. You still feel an excessive amount of absurd guilt about raising objections so you smile back and stuff a portion of the food in your mouth with the intention of gulping it down as fast as possible. And of course Levi doesn't fail to notice the look of disgust in your face from across the table.

"Eat" Mike orders from Levi's left, gesturing to your plate with his spoon, an awkwardly soft smile plastered on his face. It beats you as to why they've decided to be persistent tonight out of all nights.

"Tch, show some respect to the people who work on your daily food. Drop that disgusted face or take cooking duty for the week."

With a pout in your lips you avert Levi's gaze in anger and overall shame. You lift the bowl containing the soup and you gulp it down as you try to ignore the knot at the back of your throat that threatenes to push back everything if you continue forcing your body to endure this.

Mike seems to be physically scolded to look at you because you see him jump in shock due to the unexpected action towards him for a fragment of a second. He takes no real interest in scolding you however, something that puts pressure on Levi for the matter.

"You just earned yourself cooking duty for the week, keep this up and Mike won't be as lenient as me." He talks sternly as he bores his eyes into yours. The unreadable lack of expression in his face remains intact, as always, but once again you choose to look away.

"Can I be dismissed?" You simply utter while your orbs take turns to look between Hange and Mike.

"Shoo shoo, I'm not pushing you girl" Mike pays little attention to you as he chunks on his bread with his eyes shut. If looks could kill you swear he would have been slashed to death by both Hange and Levi. To your luck of course, they can't, so you sit up from the stall in the most discreet way possible. Hange observes in silence as Levi's eyes follow your form across the room until you take a turn to get lost in the barracks. He then averts his gaze to the bowl of soup in front him for the remaining of his time in the dining hall.

It's one of those nights that you decide not to throw your whole body, face first, onto your bed; you've abused it very much in this way, the last thing you need to is for it to break apart and take down the twin bed on top of it. You sigh deeply before you bring your hands to cover your face in hopes that it will soothe your tingling skin.

Why was that silly little scenario of Levi watching you clean still stuck in your head all day long and why did it keep repeating over and over. To be clear with yourself, you didn't really know.

Your other roommates start flooding the room in a matter of seconds. It's always like that; the come back from dining and they chit chat for a few minutes before some of them go to sleep while others decide on showering before taking their given amount of rest for the night.

"(Y/n) lift your fucking head up you look like a corpse." Nifa, the girl who sleeps on the bed on top yours speaks.

"Not in the mood Nif. I'm sorry."

"You could try and talk to us!" Petra says on response, cutting Nifa off.

"I just don't want to cook for everyone. That's all." You spit a lie that's debatably believable. The girls that starts probing the walls of your stomach almost feels like liquid fire.

Did they really want to know the truth, or would they be disgusted by whatever came out of your mouth. Almost every one in the survey corps had a rough backstory and a purpose, and though you didn't lack of tragic and despair your purpose was pathetic and delusional.

"Look, I hate to see you like that and well you've been that moody way that before that punishment tonight. So spill."

"I don't want to be a burden!"

"Cut the crap." Lynne rhetored as she sat at the end of your bed, pinching your calf.

Well, you're probably annoying them by not letting any one of them in. "My mother died."

A few apologies and condolences are heard in response by the girls around you as they stare at you with oggly pitiful eyes.

"She was horrible and old no need to be sorry, I'm just conflicted on whether I loved her or not. I'm just unfazed but my mind guilt trips me on it." Your words are soft and your gaze fixed on the wooden floor underneath your legs. "I don't want to go into much abusive details, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise!" Petra exclaims from her kneeling position next to you. "It's fine if you don't tell us anything. We shouldn't have pushed you." The girls all nod in response and the mood seems to darken the rooms aura with each silently passing second.

"I thought it was like boy problems" Lynne says as she wraps her right arm around your shoulder and squeezes you on her. Her palms quickly travel straight to your cheeks to poke and squish them in the most humorus way. "Tomas likes me and I avoid him, give me a breeak!"

You can't help but give a muffled giggle out to her. It's almost as if you approve of her little impression of you, and you do, mostly because laughing helps you take a weight off your chest. All girls around you are giggling in their turns with closed eyes, happily narrowed brows and scrunched up noses.

You shouldn't even let yourself be that moody anywayy.

___

To say that Levi is merely perplexing would be an understatement. Because here's the deal; no one could maintain such a straight face while pinning someone down. You're basically a lost cause as you maniacally move your head on the grass to avoid his gaze. Mentally you try to recall what brought you in this position in the first place. Was it because you challenged him to engage in combat or because he was a complete show off, it's beyond you at this point.

"I have your knife."

"What?" Levi looks at you with the tinniest bit of a puzzled impression plastered all over his face. Yet he doesn't get up from you. In the end he can't even know that you feel your skin burning with rage.

"I have your knife, sir. I won" you remark in a tiny little voice from the back of your throat.

"Tch, just because you have the knife doesn't mean your opponent won't attack you or even use that against you." Levi's voice is also calm and steady and even matching your tone in volume. You watch with anticipation as he opens his mouth to speak and when words begin to form he's interrupted.

"Ah sir, I want to spare with you as well!" Petra smiles as she fixes some lose strands of hair behind her ears.

Deciding to spend anymore time on this position on top of you, Levi pushes your wrists on the ground once again before completely getting off of you. You realise he's taken the dummy knife him, something he probably did in the blink of an eye. Of course he'd make his point whatever it took.

Training has stripped your stomach of the fullness that breakfast has secured you with and now you can hear the organ growl angrily inside your body. Having spent a week as the survey corps cook as a punishment has also worked wonders for your little appetite, because it physically drained you to the bone. You don't even know where to start about that unexpected shenanigan.

Unbeknownst to you, Nanaba and Lynne roll their eyes at your blanked expression. "Wall Maria to (y/n)? Hello? Is anyone in there?" An inpatient Lynne knocks a little too loud at the side of your head. Nifa laughs at the sight as well.

"Ohhh, I am." You whine. "Also ouch! I'm just not in my right head!"

"You uhm... mean piece of mind?" A few pieces of bread fall out of Nanaba's hand as she stuffs her mouth. It only takes a while to come up with a line to say to excuse your absurdness.

It's not that you want to feel that way about Levi or that you choose to either. It's probably an outcome of fatigue and a tiny infatuation that rule your mind like an empire that's about to fall. Levi's handsome, there's no denying in that, you've thought so ever since you set your eyes on him but he was ten years older than you and pretty much uninterested to almost everything. Maybe it's that you hoped he could look at you with the same enthusiasm that made you feel like you had a crush.

In reality you believe that these are pretty much lame reasons and Nanaba especially will laugh at you. 'Do you even have a reason to have a crush on someone?' Ugh, you can literally listen to her.

"Hmm, sorry I can't seem to communicate today. Might as well share." You decide it's not polite to keep things to yourself when others are trying to care for you. "Well it's that-"

"Do you guys find the Captain handsome?"

As always thanks for reading 👉❤️👈 if you have any request you can pop one in my askbox. Feedback is always appreciated, I really love seeing your opinions, they keep me motivated. I adore you guys

[hailbop1701]

25 Days of FicMas

December 5th prompt: Stuck in a room with someone you hate on Christmas

Word Count: 3,077

Lockdown

I know this late! I'm so sorry but my laptop decided it wanted to start a stupidly long update that took the entire day! 🤦‍♀️ I don't really like what I wrote but here it is anyway! Not my best work but someday I'll make it up by writing a detailed chapter Enemies to lovers fic. I promise

-H❤🖖

It was holiday time on the Enterprise, everyone seemed to be in a mood to celebrate. Well almost everyone, the Enterprises infamous grouchy CMO was in anything but a cheerful mood. He scowled and barked at everyone, from ensign to the Captain, so most just kept out of his way. Nurse Chapel clucked her tongue disapprovingly, “I know that this is his least favorite time of year but honestly!” she said resisting the strong urge to stomp her foot in frustration. She watched as another young ensign tearfully left the medbay; the girl quickly rushed past the Captain as he entered the room. He watched as the ensign left with a look of shocked concern, “he in his office?” Jim asked almost casually. Chapel huffed, “Yes, that was his last appointment of the night. He has officially locked himself away in his office,” she said dryly. Kirk smiled his thousand-watt grin. “Good I need your help,” he said bouncing on the balls of his feet like an excited child. Christine Chapel looked at the man skeptically, “and why would I do such a thing Captain?” she asked as she cleaned up the nurse’s station. Kirk leaned in as if what he was about to tell her was top secret, “It’s about Bones...and a certain engineer,” he said in a sing-song voice. 

Christine perked up and smiled wickedly, “Oh please tell me we fix what’s between them!” she groaned slapping down a padd scaring a nearby orderly. Kirk smirked, “Oh I guarantee it will fix things! They say that they hate each other, but everyone - even Spock can see that it’s a bunch of bull,” he said keeping his voice low. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the CMO’s office door open, “I’ll send you the details later,” he whispered winking. “Jim stop harassing my nurses!” McCoy snapped stalking towards them deep scowl on his face. Holding up his hand in a placating gesture Jim grinned, “Just looking for you Bones!” he said giving his friend a smile. 

Over the next few days, Jim Kirk and Christine Chapel exchanged messages and met in quiet rec rooms and corridors to finalize their plan. On the day that they were to execute, “Operation:  Lockdown,”. Christine sat at the nurse’s station, keeping a casual eye on the CMO’s office waiting for McCoy to leave for his usual lunch break. When he left she quickly sent a message to Kirk telling him to “get a move on,”  she watched as Kirk quickly jogged through Medbay’s doors into Leonard’s office; Christine watched the clock anxiously. Kirk swiftly left the office and up to the desk grinning wickedly, “part two,” he whispered before leaving to the mess hall to catch a quick meal. Christine smiled to herself as she tapped away at the most recent crew physicals. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It had been a hellish day for you from the moment you woke up that morning, first you slept in making you twenty minutes late for your shift. Scotty wasn’t pleased but he let it slide due to the Holiday, and as a passive-aggressive punishment he gave you grunt work. A sudden shock brought you back to the present, cursing you shook your hand hoping to rid it of the tingling pain. A chirp from your belt made you want to cry in exasperation, flipping open your communicator you grimaced at the possible next project. “(Y/L/N) here,” you sighed pinching the bridge of your nose. “Lassie I need you to head to medical, McCoy’s replicator is on the fritz. The staff would love for you to make it hasty if ye can,” Scotty said sounding almost amused. Suppressing a groan you nodded to no one in particular, “Yeah Scotty I got it,” you muttered clearly unhappy with the prospect of going to Medbay; not that going to Medbay was a problem it was just the possibility of seeing the CMO. Putting away your tools, you close up the now functioning console. Waving goodbye to the people in security you nervously scurried to the Medical Bay. Clutching your toolkit in a white knuckle grasp your mind drifted remembering exactly how you came to be on bad terms with Doctor Leonard McCoy. 

It was after the Enterprise was rebuilt; being stationed on Yorktown already, you were offered a position on her crew. Montgomery Scott came to you with the Captain in tow to ask if you personally. Surprised at first you couldn’t help but beam and be excited at the opportunity. Sometime after accepting the position as Mr. Scotts second you were informed that you had to get a general physical done; sighing at the prospect of having to deal with Yorktown medical you kept a constant mantra in your head, “Enterprise, Enterprise, Enterprise,” as if you could click your heels and you’d be right at home. Squaring your shoulders you checked in at the front desk; the receptionist smiled trying to hide a sympathetic cringe, she indicated that you should go to the twelfth floor where the Enterprises primary physician would see you. Hesitantly you said your thanks put off by the woman's attitude and moved to the elevators with a new nervousness. 

A kind nurse (who turned out to be the one and only Christine Chapel) waited for you by the elevators. Looking up from her padd she had smiled at you warmly; most likely to put you at ease. “Lieutenant, lovely to see you,” she said, tone ringing like a bell; you smiled back before following her to an empty exam room. After weighing you and taking your height she gestured for you to hop up on the exam bed, smiling she looked up from her padd, “Alright, just wait here and Doctor McCoy will be in shortly,” and you were left alone to your thoughts. You had of course heard of the infamous Doctor of the Enterprise; the stories had to be exaggerated. At least you hoped they were. The sound of a door opening made you jump slightly; turning enough to see a dark-haired man wearing medical whites reading a padd. He was quite handsome if you were being honest with yourself. The only thing that threw you off was the deep scowl darkening his face. “Lieutenant (Y/L/N), I see that you had your yearly physical last month and that you’ve recently been here for...a broken arm,” he said in a rather nice southern drawl. You nodded, “Yes sir, broke it while fixing the wiring between...nevermind,” you laughed nervously at your babbling. McCoy raised a single eyebrow and managed to keep his scowl in place, “Engineer, huh?” he asked plucking a medical tricorder from it’s charging station across the room. You nodded sitting up straighter as he came back twiddling with the controls, he ran the scanner over your body and quickly took note of what it told him. “You idiot engineers are almost in my Medbay more than security,” he said gruffly. The statement made you bristle slightly a scowl now adorning your face, “We do what we need to, to keep things running.” you muttered sitting ramrod straight.  Doctor McCoy snorted, “ you’re all reckless and have the self-preservation instincts of a rock,” he said, not caring at all if you were insulted. Gritting your teeth you fully glared at the man now, “Yeah well Doctors can be pompous egotistical assholes but you don’t see me complaining,” you said cocking your head to the side as if you were daring him to retaliate. The Doctor glared sticking a hypo sharply into your neck. You refused to flinch or complain. Doctor McCoy tossed away what seemed to be a vaccination and dismissed you with a simple, “You’re clear,” 

You stopped before you hit the Medbay doors; blinking the memory away, you square your shoulders and headed in. You’ve been on the Enterprise for a year and you still argued with the CMO. You did your best to avoid him but something about him keeps bringing you back. The verbal sparring matches were fun and pretty legendary if you paid attention to crew gossip. He wasn’t bad to look at either, but for the life of you, you couldn’t stand the man. Literally. You couldn’t really stand in his presence, your knees would go weak and you constantly felt like you needed to throw up. Uhura and Christine laughed when you told them, they would declare that “You like him!” but you refused to admit anything of the sort. Walking into Medbay, you saw Christine puttering around checking off various things on her padd; upon seeing you, she glided over with a smile on her face. “Thank you so much for making this a priority!” she said giving you a gentle hug. Hugging her back you looked around noticing that Medbay was pretty much empty. “Where is everyone?” you asked walking with Christine to McCoy’s office, “The Holiday party,” she said giving you a look; as if you were supposed to know that. And she would be right, you winced at the reminder, “Kinda glad for my punishment now,” you muttered dryly. 

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw that it was empty. “Doctor McCoy is a terror this time of year and a broken replicator means no coffee, which means my life is hell until it’s fixed,” Christine said grumpily with a roll of her eyes. You snickered at the prospect of seeing the Doctor suffer through caffeine withdrawals, “I’ll do my best,” you said after taking a quick look at the machine. Christine grinned, “I’ll leave you to it,” she gushed before rushing back out into the ward. You shook your head, ‘she’s acting weirder than she usually does,’ 

Prying open the maintenance hatch you waved a hand back and forth at the smoke that emitted from the wiring. “Great,” you muttered as you pulled a little flashlight from your kit. Turning it on you peered inside careful of the now exposed wires, “what in the freaking hell,” you said mystified. Putting the flashlight between your teeth so you could use both hands you started to painstakingly pick through the circuitry. At the end of your first hour, you had almost taken apart the replicator entirely, “I’m gonna need all new parts,” you mumbled around the end of the flashlight. “I swear I’m not going to help him when he comes crawling to me tomorrow with a hangover,” a distinct southern voice grumbled from outside the door; of course you didn’t hear him until he was already in the room cursing up a storm startled by your appearance. Yelping at the sudden noise you dropped the flashlight from your mouth and wrenched your arm free of the replicator’s insides. Yelping a second time you hold your now heavily bleeding arm, “damn it!” you cursed irritated. You heard McCoy rush towards you, he quickly placed a hand towel from the nearby sink and placed it over the deep laceration. “Keep pressure on it,” he whispered sounding almost apologetic. You replaced his hand with yours wincing only a little at the burning sensation running up your arm into your shoulder. You watched as Doctor McCoy moved quickly for the door but slammed into it because it didn’t open for him. “What the hell?” he whispered and continuously hit the door control only for it to keep denying him. He looked over at you and you shrugged, “don’t look at me,” you said butt hitting the floor feeling light-headed.

Leonard cursed again; giving up on the door he pulled open multiple desk drawers looking for his mission first aid kit. After he found it he rushed to your side again, “How are you feeling?” he asked even though he was running a tricorder over you. “Today has been shitty,” you grunted tossing your wire cutters back into your tool bag. Leonard hummed in agreement as he bandaged your arm and giving you a hypo to help staunch the bleeding even further and another for the pain. “Thanks,” you sighed holding your arm protectively to your chest, Doctor McCoy huffed and sat back so he was facing you. You both looked up when the lights flickered off and into emergency lighting. “Typical,” McCoy muttered pinching the bridge of his nose, “The room is in Lockdown,” you observed mildly. Leonard scowled at your detachment, “Do you have a communicator on you?” he asked holding back his insults and sarcasm. Rolling your eyes you pulled the device from it's hiding place on your belt, flipping it open you hoped to reach Scotty. Nothing. Gritting your teeth you tried Uhura. Nothing again. Taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly you tried one more time; to whoever was on comm tonight. Nothing for briefest of moments before the voice of Kevin Riley filtered through, “Kevin!” you gasped relieved, “hey I have a problem. I’m stuck in the CMO’s office can you send someone to help?” you asked sweetly. There was a pause over the line and the sound different voices whispering, “Yeah sure (Y/N) but it might take a while, we’re on a skeleton crew tonight. I’ll see what I can do!” Kevin said, his voice going pitchy at the end. 

“He just lied through his teeth,” McCoy hissed irritation showing on his face and you offered your comm so he could try. “Nothing I can do; Jim is already too far gone and is probably the one who did all of this. And he most likely has an order out preventing anyone from helping us.”  you pulled out your padd, hitting a few commands you pulled up to what looks to be a timer. You bit your lip, “yeah looks like we’re in timeout,” you said carefully leaning back so you were against the wall by the broken replicator. “Means he broke your caffeine provider,” you joked half-heartedly making the doctor shake his head ruefully. “Of all the stupid things…” he sighed. You observed him for a moment wanting to say something. Deciding against it you looked down at your scuffed up boots, “This has to be a great Christmas, stuck in a room with someone you hate,” 

McCoy’s head snapped in you up at your statement, his green eyes flickered between so many emotions you couldn’t keep track. He settled on regret and shame, “I don’t hate you,” he whispered looking down at his clasped hands. You were about to laugh but he continued cautiously as if he were choosing his words with great care. “Though you are a pain in my ass, I don’t hate you. On the day we met, I got some bad news and I took it out on you. I am sorry for that.” he said taking a breath he looked up into your eyes again. “I Found out that I can’t see my daughter unless my ex allows it,” he said hoping the explanation would ease your mind as to why he had been such an ass to you. Thinning your lips you felt sympathy wash through you, knowing that’s not what he’s after you slowly crawled to sit next to him, “I’m sorry that happened, I guess that first impression made it hard for us to get along,” you said thinking about all the times you riled the man up over the past year. There was a tense silence for the next few minutes as you both tried to figure out how to mend the bridges you had burned. “I’m sorry,” you both said at the same time creating more awkwardness. Chuckling you picked at the bandages on your arm, the blood had already seeped through creating a giant red splotch, McCoy batted your hand away and gently tightened them again. “How about we start over?” he suggested after he was done. A smile crossed your lips, “Nice to meet you, I’m Lieutenant (Y/N) (Y/L/N)” you said holding out your hand. 

McCoy smiled back taking your much smaller hand into his, “Leonard McCoy,” he whispered. “You know I’m going to need help dealing with the Captain after this, you in?” Leonard’s smile turned into a grin, “Darlin’ it would be my pleasure,” he drawled. The sudden pet name made your cheeks go red, Leonard didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. He loved it when you blushed, whether it was from anger or embarrassment. He listened amused as you muttered about programming an alarm to play Klingon death metal loudly in Kirk’s quarters at three in the morning. You trailed off after trying to explain how you would do it, sheepishly you looked up through your lashes seeing Leonard looking down at you with complete wonderment. “What?” you laughed and he shook his head like he was trying to shake himself out of a daze, “nothin’ I-” he broke off the sentence and looked away embarrassed. The tops of his ears turned red; at that point, you only just noticed that neither of you let go of each other’s hands. He didn’t say anything so you didn’t either. Feeling the day hit you, you yawned tiredly and rested your head on McCoy's shoulder; “(Y/N)” the sound of Leonards’s voice made you hum, eyes closing. “After we thoroughly take care of Jim, do you…” he trailed off losing courage. Leonard growled in frustration, it made you smile. “Yeah, I’ll have a drink with you,” you murmur sleepily. The doctor snorted a laugh, “typical, you couldn’t have let me finish,” he muttered referencing past arguments where he could rarely get a word in edgewise. “It’s all part of my charm,” you yawned and moved closer as Leonard pulled his arm away so he could wrap it around you. He felt warm despite the chill in his office, he was actually happy to be stuck there with you “I don’t know darlin’ I think we need to get the Captain a bottle of bourbon,” you snorted and shook your head, “No his ego will be the size of Europa,” you mumbled drifting off. It was another hour before the lights flickered back to normal and the office door became unsealed, “not a word Christine,” McCoy hissed when the head nurse peaked in mischievously. The woman chuckled, “of course not sir,” she whispered watching as her boss gently lifted you off the floor with ease.

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[aloysiavirgata]

The Way That Light Attaches To A Girl

Title:  The Way That Light Attaches To A Girl

Author: Aloysia Virgata

Rating: PG (language)

Timeline: Season 1

Summary:  Maybe she’s not so bad, this gingery little doctor.

Author’s Notes:  Mulder reads Cicero and finds the method of loci tool useful in honing an eidetic memory. Also, the timeline of this show is absurd. Per canon, the Pilot is in March of 1992. But here it’s March of 1993 because...I just can’t, honestly. Thank you to @perplexistan for reminding me that I wrote this in 2013, and talking me through the timeline.

*** It's been a long December and there's reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself To hold on to these moments as they pass - Counting Crows *** It’s gritty outside, gritty and gray with a rime of salt on everything. There are pockets of rotten snow for him to kick, slushy and satisfying against his heavy shoes. He pulls his coat tighter, feeling like a hard-boiled detective in a pulp paperback, thinking this would be a good time for a cigarette if he still smoked. His divorce papers were filed this time last year, just like his parents’ had been a couple decades back. The ink had scarcely been dry on the marriage certificate when they realized they didn’t know each other and changed their minds. It was the same time Diana left him and his - their - files for whatever the fuck had summoned her across the sea. Paperwork, as ever in his life, was all that remained of these experiences. If this were really a detective story, he thinks, stepping over a soggy Washington Post, a tall cool blonde would have walked in through the frozen mist and into his arms. Someone lithe, with red lipstick and half-lidded violet eyes. She would look like Veronica Lake and speak in a low, compelling voice, urging him to do brave and outlandish things to thwart the Nazis. He’d wear a fedora, buy a mink stole for the blonde. They’d drink martinis and make love in dark hotels smelling of leather and intrigue. But he’s not living in a dime-store novel, he’s living in Alexandria on Christmas Eve 1993 (“The New Age of Angels,” claimed Time magazine, somewhat cryptically) and is eager to turn the last page in his calendar. Mulder knows it’s symbolic only, that his Eurocentrism is showing, but he still watches the ball drop on TV. Last year he’d kissed a woman in a bar and gone home with her too, but doesn’t think he’d remember her face if he saw it. He hasn’t got the energy to entice a stranger this year, and Scully’s hardly his type. He shouldn’t be sleeping with coworkers anyway, it’s never worth the trouble and the FBI is full of people who are paid to do nothing but sniff out secrets. Besides, he is now 32 years old which is really about time to start getting your shit together even if your baby sister was abducted by aliens at Thanksgiving. Mulder generally holds the holidays in low regard. He pauses to watch a small flock of cats at an upended trash can, feasting upon pungent things like battlefield ravens. One of the cats glances at him sidelong, narrowing round yellow eyes as though Mulder has designs on the gray thing it’s gnawing at. He holds his hands up to show the cats he wishes them no harm, keeps walking. Scully had offered to drive him home but he thanked her and caught the blue line, the clank and rattle of the train making him feel like some variety of normal businessman. Maybe people thought he was a banker or a Congressional staffer, going home to a twinkling Douglas fir and a mantle hung with stockings. Nine months and a broken condom can, in many circumstances, result in a whole new person. But it’s been nine months with Scully and she’s still her own woman, though Christ knows Mulder’s tried to remake her in his own image. She’s trudged alongside him through graveyards, military bases, bad diners, and one memorable night in Pennsylvania where she had captured a frantic bat in the hotel lobby. (“Do you want to wait for it to take human form before I release it?” she’d asked drily.) Through all of it she remained disbelieving and supercilious, leaving him vexed. She’d chirped “Merry Christmas, Mulder” at him, assuming that he celebrated Christmas and was capable of merriment. He was afraid Scully’d bring in a little Charlie Brown tree for the office, ornaments smooth and shining as her earnest face. She is skeptical in all the wrong ways and probably has the Michael Bolton Christmas album on her stereo at this very moment. She probably has eggnog in the fridge and will drink it without rum. She probably likes fruitcake and ham with pineapple rings on it. Mulder, going home to the shadows of his apartment where he might listen to Pink Floyd and nurse his resentment with three fingers of whiskey, feels justified in his scorn. A couple loaded with gifts pushes past him and he nearly loses his balance on a patch of black ice, clutches at a lamp post. He gazes up at the endless sky as snow begins to fall again. (Scully’s probably delighted by the prospect of a white Christmas, probably whistling a few bars of the song as she puts on a green sweater.) But he’s being unfair, isn’t he? For all her tattling back to the higher ups, she’s never tried to present herself as an angel. Her primary fault is in not being Diana, not being a tall dark moon goddess. Being pretty rather than beautiful, being frank rather than alluring. He’s seen her smoking a couple of times, discovered that she says “Jesus!” a lot so that she doesn’t say “fuck” or “shit.” This amuses him; he thought the blasphemy would be worse. He knows Scully watches what she eats but turns to carbohydrates and wine in times of stress. He found out she was sleeping with that asshole Jack Willis, which really threw him for a loop because Scully has a schoolteacherish quality that led him to presume premarital abstinence. He thinks of her in that first motel room, her smooth back beneath his hands, her panic turning on some masculine caveman switch. It’s been a long year, perhaps she could be his type after all despite her sensible underwear. She’s attractive enough if you like that sort of Hibernian look. He can tell she’s a bit awed by him and he could manipulate that to his advantage. Mulder walks the last slushy block thinking impious thoughts about Catholic school uniforms and playing doctor. The honeycomb tile of his building is muddied, layered with fragments of leaves and footprints. A radio blares something about Barbra Streisand doing her first live concert in twenty years. Mulder shakes his head and imagines his mother on the Vineyard, frothing with excitement. “Merry Christmas Agent Mulder,” says Leo, the maintenance guy. Leo’s got some kind of intellectual disability that Mulder hasn’t bothered to diagnose, but he’s always quick to replace a kicked-in lock or a shot-out window, and Mulder therefore regards him as a master craftsman. He gives Leo money every year at Christmas. At present he’s attacking the hallway sludge with an ancient mop. “Merry Christmas, Leo.” He gets his mail, sorting through it as he ambles to the elevator. Bill; bill; Playboy; Christmas cards from his doctor, dentist, and insurance agent; coupons; a thick manila envelope from the divorce attorney. Mulder rolls it all into a bundle and shoves it under his arm. He’s fumbling with his keys when the elevator deposits him on the fourth floor. There are wreaths on most of the doors in his building, a handful of mezuzas. Number 42, as usual, conforms to no given standard. He stops when he sees Scully leaning against his door. “Um,” he says. “Hey.” She waves her fingertips, looking uncomfortable. She’s holding a cardboard FedEx envelope. “I forgot to give you this before you left.” “Okay,” he says, uncertain about the idea of Scully on his turf. “Hang on a sec.” He makes sure the packet from the lawyer is hidden, though she’s probably heard the whole story. He knows what the talk is. They all act like he’s John fucking Douglas, like he can guess what number they’re thinking of based on how they part their hair. He’s a sideshow act, the guy who can think like John Roche and Monty Props. A freak. Scully turns to slouch against the wall while he jiggles the latest lock open, wishing there were a convenient place to stash a can of WD-40. “So, uh, come on in, I guess.” She turns, walks under his arm as he hold the door open, and stands in the entryway. The door clicks shut behind him, a final sound. Mulder puts his mail on the kitchen counter, tossing his coat over it. “You want anything to drink?” he calls to her, unsure if he can make good on the offer. What the hell does Scully drink? Tea? Zima? He’s got a few beers in the fridge, his wife’s wine is long finished. “No, I’m good.” Her coat’s draped over her arm when he comes back out, and he hangs it up for her. He notices that she’s wearing jeans with a navy cable-knit sweater, no tartan in sight. Her boots are dark and practical. Mulder shrugs off his jacket, loosens his tie out of its regulation noose. “Here, sit down. There’s, uh, the couch is right over there.” His couch is the atramentous green of algae, appearing black in the close room. “So what’s up?” She holds out the folder to him. “I realized I had this when I got home and since it’s a three day weekend, I wanted to make sure you had it. I thought it might be important.” Scully sits down close to the edge of the couch, much of her weight on her knees. She presses her hands together between them after Mulder takes the envelope, bouncing a little bit. He looks at the return address and groans. Arlinsky, that idiot from the Smithsonian. Mulder’s got enough credibility issues without this nutcase on his tail. He tosses the envelope on his cluttered desk for later perusal. Scully, as the messenger, looks apologetic. “Bad news?” He sits next to her, why not? “Nah, just…you know. The usual.” “Ah.” He watches her do a quick scan of his apartment. He has nothing to be ashamed of, she can look around. Mulder removes his tie completely now, untucks his shirt and leans into the corner of his couch. “So I’m surprised you’re here, Scully. I got the impression Christmas was a…thing. For your family.” He waves his hand vaguely, as though families are something he read about in a Margaret Mead article but never fully understood. Something closes in Scully’s face, which intrigues him. Discomfort usually comes with a good story, but he’ll tease it out of her later. She scratches her elbow, stalling. “I’m going to go by my parents’ house tomorrow.” “Not tonight? No big Scully celebration with stockings hung by the fire and cookies for Santa?” He has picked these ideas up from Oxford and Christmas music. Santa would probably prefer a cold longneck and some nachos. “My sister’s coming in tomorrow, she’s staying with my parents so they’re getting everything ready tonight. My younger brother and his family too, they’re getting in late.” Scully looks faintly guilty for this wealth of relatives. Which one of them are you avoiding, Dana? “Fun,” he says in a tone that he hopes is not sarcastic. Scully shrugs, picks at the cuff of her sweater. “Yeah, it’ll be good. I’ll get to see my niece and nephew. What about you? What are you doing?” “Oh, just…you know. Laying low.” He’s meeting up with the Gunmen for Chinese food and bootleg video games from some Japanese guy they know, but he’s not ready to tell Scully about them. In part because she might want to meet them and would end up charging Frohike with a sex crime. “Sounds good,” she says in a non-judgmental tone. “I could use some down time myself.” “Job wearing on you?” Going to wimp out and request a transfer? She puffs a breath of air out, pushes the tip of her tongue to her top lip. “No. Well, I mean, it’s hard. We travel so much, I didn’t do that before and it’s taking some adjustment.” Mulder drapes an arm over the back of the couch, wishing he could take his pants off and order a pizza. But he wants to know more about what drives her; Diana left him wary of unknown quantities, and this is his first opportunity to peer into Scully’s head. “Yeah, I guess they mostly shipped the cadavers to you before, huh? When you were doing doctor things?” He sees a slight narrowing of her eyes at this, the implication that she’s not a doctor now. The fact that she took it as an insult means it’s a vulnerability. “Mostly.” He decides to push it, being as he has home field advantage. “How come you decided to stop practicing medicine?” Scully sits up straight, her palms on the tops of her thighs. “I didn’t realize I had.” Prickly. “Oh, sorry, no offense. I just….you left your residency to join the FBI, right?” Faker, he knows her career trajectory down to the day. “My work as a Special Agent has always revolved around my background in forensic pathology. I just felt…called to the FBI as the place to best put those skills to use.” Called, religious imagery. Interesting. Her reply had a rehearsed sound, it’s something she’s repeated numerous times. Who gives her grief about being an FBI agent? A younger brother wouldn’t, would probably look up to that. Mom or Dad, most likely, though it could be one of the older siblings. He’d put his money on Dad or big brother based on the cold formality of her words. Both men are in the military, she’d speak to that. And big brother wasn’t mentioned as being in town, so Dad it is. He throws her a bone for revealing so much. “I’ve heard nothing but commendations.” “Thanks.” The appreciation seems genuine. “So what about you, Mulder? Why….this?” Scully holds her arms out like an orchestra conductor. The gesture encompasses his desk, the groaning bookshelves and fading newspaper clippings. Area 51, Reticulans, ectoplasm, and jackalopes. “Study hard what interests you the most in the most undisciplined, irreverent and original manner possible,” he quotes. “Feynman.” Scully knows her physicists. “It’s the perfect con, really. I figured out a way to get the federal government to pay for my hobbies.” He hopes that will satisfy her, but knows better. “Why is it your hobby?” Ah, Scully. You little investigator, you. “I’m a lousy knitter.” She smiles. “Because of your sister?” He steeples his fingertips, taps them against his chin. It’s tempting to blow her off, but he considers the implications of her presence. There was no reason to bring that letter by; she could have called and he could have told her to round-file it. She’s trying to build something between them, she’s looking past his annoyance with her assignment and he’s not going to slap her hand away on Christmas Eve. “Hold that thought,” he says. Mulder goes to the kitchen for the beers and the churchkey magnet stuck to the freezer. He checks for food, but a cursory examination reveals that Scully is going to have to make do with some brews. She’s peering into the fish tank when he returns, scrutinizing the inhabitants. “I think one of your mollies is pregnant,” she says. “That spotted one.” “Yeah, they’re prolific little cannibals. Here, Scully. Have a drink.” He holds the bottle out to her when she turns, watches her hesitate for an instant before accepting. “Thanks,” she says. “Though I probably shouldn’t.” She pops the lid off when he’s done with the opener. Takes a long drink. “So,” he says, returning to his seat on the couch. “Why do I spend my time looking for ET and yetis, right?” Scully rolls the bottle between her palms. “It’s hard for me to understand why someone with your abilities chooses to use those gifts this way.” Once she rides out this dogleg, Mulder thinks, she’ll go far in the Bureau with her careful diplomacy. “When my sister was…taken, it was the first time that none of the authority figures in my life had an answer. Not my parents, my teachers, the police…no one could tell me what had happened. Years went by and there was still no solution. People stopped thinking about it, you know? They just acted like she was gone and that’s all there was to it.” “But not you.” Her voice is gentle. “I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that this was a question with an answer, even if no one wanted to delve deeper into what that answer was. I became, well, obsessed with the idea that there were all of these mysteries out there with answers that people were uncomfortable finding. So when I found the X-Files…” He glances sidelong at his partner, her nutmeg freckles and her cinnamon hair. “Isn’t that what you were doing already, though? Solving impossible cases?” He shrugs. “They weren’t impossible. They followed a pattern if you knew what to look for. But what I do now, no one wants the answer, Scully. That’s the real challenge.” “You caught Monty Props. Props, Jesus, that case is legendary! I want to understand, I do. I see what you’re saying about the challenge, it does make a kind of sense. But when I think about the people you stopped…” She shakes her head. She doesn’t get it. But she’s trying instead of dismissing him. That’s something. “That’s just it. Your reaction, it’s…look. Serial killers, they’re sexy. The public loves them. Everyone wants to be Bill Patterson or, or… Jack Crawford, right? People still read about Jack the Ripper, they practically turn these psychopaths into folk heroes. There will never be a shortage of people wanting to do what I did.” Half the beer is gone in his next swallow. Scully looks thoughtful, her thumbnail at the damp corner of the label on her bottle. “So this is like, what? Like a martyr thing? If you walk away from the limelight for this then it makes up for never knowing what happened to your sister?” She turns her head to give him a level gaze, her eyes so blue and clear they seem artificial at times. He’s been called worse than a martyr, but somehow it stings. “Martyr? That’s condescending.” “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry. I just, I guess it’s hard for me to understand what you hope to gain. What all this means to you in the end.” Mulder’s had enough of her analysis. “I’m not like you, I don’t crave approval.” It’s her turn to look stung. “I didn’t mean to pry.” He sighs. “Your questions aren’t unfair. It’s been a hard year.” “I heard.” There’s sympathy in her tone and he tries not to resent it. “Listen, Scully, I know you didn’t ask for this assignment and you’re doing your best with a bad hand. It’s just hard to share a career I’m passionate about with someone who pretty clearly thinks it’s a waste of time.” Scully sets her beer on the coffee table, resting her elbows on her knees, her hands cupped around her chin. Mulder props his feet up next to her bottle, patient in the silence. There are deep shadows in the room, illuminated by the ambient streetlight through the curtains, the cool blue aquarium lamp. Puddles of light leak from the kitchen, but they barely stain the rug. Scully looks like a Hitchcock girl, white and pure, untouched by the surrounding gloom. She reminds him of Ingrid Bergman or Greta Garbo, her good bones and heavy-lidded eyes. “You know,” Scully says, muffled, “Pathology’s hardly the hottest specialty in med school. It’s not really seen as a place to make a career.” “The malpractice can’t be bad though, right?” She rolls her eyes. “You spend years of your life learning to care for the living and use it to examine the dead. People have…opinions about that.” This had not occurred to him, and he says as much. Scully sits up and settles back into the couch. “And to then take that to the FBI, well…” Full circle to the truth. “Lots of grief for that?” She shrugs. “From some more than others. My dad, he – look, Mulder. I’m not saying we’re in the same place or have the same ideas or that we’re both noble misunderstood renegades. I am not trying to oversimplify anything. I’m just telling you that I know what it’s like to care deeply about something that other people don’t necessarily understand.” She looks defensive after this, takes a fierce swig of her beer. Mulder eyes her up with a new appreciation. “I guess I just figured all doctors sit on pedestals.” “If so, some of the pedestals are much higher than others. I know you don’t like me, Mulder. Or at least you don’t like our partnership. We may never be friends, I realize that. But it’s been three quarters of a year, you have to let your guard down if we’re going to work together. I want what you want, answers to these questions.” He smiles at her. A real smile, and thinks that it’s been a long time since he’s done it. “But you still think I’m spooky.” Scully smiles back. “Absolutely. And I still don’t believe in aliens. Or yetis. Or missing time or vampires or Nessie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe there are answers.” He scratches his chin, five o’clock shadow rough on his fingertips. Maybe she’s not so bad, this gingery little doctor. “I did say I wanted a challenge.” “You did at that.” She returns her bottle to the table, then turns to face him. The aquarium provides a ghostly backlight, her hair gleaming like rubbed copper. He holds this image of Scully in his mind until it is indelible, then tucks it away to remember her by. The Rhetorica ad Herennium advises sensory encoding to aid in recall, and so he places her in the sunlit portrait gallery of his memory palace. Scully stands, crosses the room to take her coat from the rack. “I’m sorry the letter wasn’t good news.” Mulder gets up to join her. “It’s okay.” He squints when she opens the door, the hallway so bright it hurts his eyes. “Thanks for bringing it by.” “Okay, well, I’ll see you on Monday, I guess.” She seems hesitant to go. She probably feels sorry for him. “Thanks for the drink. And the company.” “Go,” he says. “You don’t want coal in your stocking for oversleeping tomorrow.” She laughs a little, then takes his hands in her small white ones. She gives them a squeeze. “This is going to be okay, Mulder.” He thinks she might be right, squeezes back. She lets go of him, walks out and turns right. He locks up behind her, her perfume still lingering on his side of the door. Diana’s not coming home. It’s time that he moved on.

[screensirenfic]

Menthol Cigarettes - Chapter 3

dWhen Steve had told me he’d be spending his summer slinging ice cream, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, because honestly; I’d thought it was a joke.

I mean; Steve Harrington doing manual labour. It was like the punchline of the dumbest joke in Indiana.

He was like, born into trust fund living; the walking talking example of upper class privilege.

But Steve didn’t find it very funny, and he did fail nearly all of his finals.

Once I realised that it wasn’t a poorly conceived joke, and Steve was actually being serious, he told me that his dad had cut him off because he couldn’t even get into community college, even with all his parents influence.

So that’s why he was being payed three bucks an hour to shovel cheap gelato for spoilt brats and snarky teenagers.

But on the bright side, his new job made it extremely easy to do things like this.

“Come on, Come on...” Steve beckoned the kids out the backdoor of Scoops, into the employees only corridors which just about connected every business in the mall.

Originally purposed for quickly and covertly delivering merchandise from the loading bay out back, right to the stores’ stock rooms without being seen by the general public, they served a pretty good secondary purpose for sneaking into places you weren’t necessarily supposed to go; like in this case, the movie theatre.

The kids disappeared down the corridor, already knowing the route like clockwork, considering this was the third time I’d called upon Steve for this very purpose this month.

“I swear if anyone hears about this-“ He called after them, delivering his usual serving of a cheap threat he had neither the will nor the inclination to deliver on.

“We’re dead!” The kids finished for him, having already heard this one before, and it already had lost its lustre.

Steve just sighed, already silently rueing the day we started helping these little shits, before slamming the door behind him.

“Ahoy sailor!”

The words slipped out of my mouth before I’d even had time to think about them; the seductive lilt in my voice and provocative pose on the cold metal counter supposed to come across as a joke between friends.

“Shut up” Barked Steve, one hand running through his hair as he shot me one of those looks that told me he was in no mood to be made a mockery of today.

So instead I just jumped off the counter, cackling all the while, because I just found it so amusing how thoroughly pissed he could look in a cute little sailor suit.

“Did I ever tell you, you look absolutely adorable in that suit?” I asked him, and it wasn’t entirely a rib, because Steve’s soft little cherub face really made that hat work.

“Save it.” He snapped, walking past me to go wash up some ice cream scoops.

“Jesus; Steve! You’re not still mad at me?” I sighed; lolling my head back, because I honestly couldn’t believe we were still doing this! It had been five months!

I knew I hurt him, and I knew that sort of shit took time to heal, but for Christ’s sake; he carried it like some sort of cross to bear, and it was really out of character for Steve to be stubborn about something with me for so long.

“I don’t know. It just seems you only come to see me when you want something...” He stated, and I had to admit that may be truer than I’d like as of late.

It’s not that I didn’t want to see Steve; of course, I did!

He was my best friend, despite all the bullshit that had gone on over the past year; it’s just I could never find the time.

It’s just with working and El and Finals, and a hundred and one other commitments that I really couldn’t afford to skip out on, having time just to drive around and hang out with my right hand man was in short supply.

“Come on, Steve! You know I’m busy doing work and everything...” I urged him out of his rut, walking to his side as he took his frustration out on the scoops he was scrubbing.

“Does everything cover blonde assholes with Camaros?” Steve snapped, getting back to the real route of the problem.

“Jesus; we’re not doing this again...” I sighed, because yes; we were right back at square one with Steve acting pissy because maybe we disagreed on our opinions of a certain blonde haired bad boy who had swept the town by storm over the past nine months.

“I just find it funny how you always have time for him-“ Steve began to gripe; but he never got the chance to finish his complaint as Robin pulled open the service window, eager to remind Steve that he had other responsibilities besides playing overprotective white knight to a grown ass woman.

“Yo! Dingus! Work first; marriage counselling later! We got sundaes to scoop!” She stated; having lain witness to the same argument over and over for the past month, and clearly finding the whole thing as frustratingly pointless as me.

Steve was never going to relent on this.

He’d already formed his opinions and there was nothing I could do to change them.

All I could hope for is that he’d learn to forgive me in time; if not understand why I felt the way I do.

Steve pulled on his hat, sighing deeply as he finally realised that this conversation was going to get him nowhere.

“Look; I gotta go, but I’ll call you later.” I said, reaching out to gently squeeze his arm in a way I hoped let him know I still cared, even if Steve thought I didn’t.

And then I leaned in, planting a soft kiss to his cheek like I’d done a hundred times before; my lips featherlight in his cheek as I silently asked for forgiveness once more, already knowing I was far from receiving it.

Maybe Steve hates me; maybe he didn’t, but either way I was determined to show him I still cared about him, if only as a friend.

It might not have been what he’d wanted, but it was something; and I just prayed that something would be enough to keep us above water.

I made my way back to the door to the front, already knowing better than to hope that Steve might actually have something to say after our arguments-

“Off to see the Road Warrior again?”

Steve asked; scorn ripe in his voice, but I knew better than to start another argument now, already feeling sorry for Robin having to play ref all this time.

“Goodnight Steve”

Instead I bided him goodnight, slipping through the staff door and past a scoop slinging Robin who looked more than done for the day.

“Dingus giving you trouble?”

She asked as I made my way back round the front of the counter; ever ready to try and bring a smile to my face when Steve was being difficult, which seemed almost constant as of late.

“Nothing I can’t handle.” I reassured her with a smile, pulling out my bike keys, ready to blow this joint ASAP.

“Want me to go rough him up for you?” She offered, leaning over the counter with a conspiratorial smirk on her face.

“I don’t think it would help” I replied, zipping up my jacket, because it may be summer out there, but the temperature still dropped at night, and fuck if I was getting chill blazes in a crop top.

“No; but it might make you feel better...” She continued to coax, and even though I knew she was joking, I couldn’t help but notice how she chewed her lip at the suggestion .

“Be careful; I might take you up on that.” I smiled; though I wasn’t exactly sure what she was offering.

Robin was cool.

Strange; but cool, though sometimes I felt like there was more going on behind her words than what she was actually saying to me.

Still; that was an enigma to work out another time, and I was late enough as it is.

“Would love to talk more, but I got a date with the Lone Wanderer.” I saluted ironically, strolling out of Scoops and back into the madness of the mall.

“Drive safe; Road Warrior!” Robin called after me as I disappeared in a crowd of pastels in the pursuit for adventure and adrenaline.

TAGLIST: @lemonypink @daringvixon

[mccnyoongi]

fic teaser ⇢ buttercup

⇢ pairing: yoongi x fem!reader

⇢ genre: smut + slight angst

⇢ au: college!au, fwb!au, stoner!yoongi, asshole!yoongi, fwb to lovers trope

⇢ expected word count: ~10k

⇢ warnings: smut, kind of a slowburn, recreational use of drugs & alcohol, dirty talk, degradation, ridiculously excessive use of pet names, fingering, lots of casual sex talk, reader and jimin are slutty besties, dom!Yoongi, cursing, unprotected sex, semi-public and public stuff, slight dumbification (whoops), hair pulling, breathplay, reader has a thing for Yoongi’s hands because who doesn’t, reader and yoongi are both sarcastic and oblivious, etc. 

⇢ official release date: september 4th 2019, 10:45 pm est !!

⇢ synopsis: Min Yoongi wears leather jackets, fucks you like he hates you, spends most of his days on the wrong side of a blunt, and calls you the sweetest names when no one else is around. And you definitely aren’t falling in love with him.

⇢ author’s note: here’s the teaser for my first fic !! thank u for all the love from posting my first drabble to the announcement of this fic <3 im super excited abt this and all the future pieces ive been planning

If there was a magic lantern hidden somewhere on the campus of this university, you’d find it and your first wish would be to make it so that no one found out about this whole illicit affair you’ve been having with Min Yoongi. The secrecy was fun, sexy like you guys had a whole Mr. and Mrs. Smith thing going on. Or something. Your second wish would be to make his dick vibrate. 

But then he just had to go and go down on you in a bathroom during a party at the Beta Tau Rho house, not even a month into the fall semester, knowing you wouldn’t be able to be quiet or subtle at all. And he was so smug about it too, the fucker.

You can still feel the embarrassment buzzing under the surface of your cheeks from when you walked out that bathroom door and a dozen frat boys and mutual friends of yours and Yoongi’s were out there, waiting for the two of you to emerge and giving you a round of applause when you did. Yoongi had just laughed and rolled his eyes before leading you to the kitchen to get the pair of you some drinks. He’s always been particularly good at brushing that shit off of his shoulder. You aren’t, but you’re pretty good at pretending.

Maybe you should have ended it all that night. Of course, you didn’t. You figured, hey,  you’re young and in school so fuck making good decisions. Of course, the fact that no other guy has ever been able to dick you down nearly as well as Min Yoongi can is probably a huge contributing factor. 

Sure he might be grumpy, and sarcastic, and he tries way too hard to look cool and nonchalant, but he’s also the first guy to ever make you squirt. And you’re pretty sure that the way he waxes poetic about your pussy would make even Shakespeare swoon. So maybe the pros outweigh the cons, but only just.

“I can’t believe you’ve been getting Yoongi dick for almost three full months and haven’t divulged every single detail and vein to me, you cold, uncaring bitch-” Jimin’s voice is far too loud for the student-run coffee shop the two of you regulared every Sunday; a tradition that Jimin always insisted upon. He loves his traditions almost as much as he loves destroying any personal boundaries between the two of you.

“Keep going Park, see if I ever buy your coffee again.”

“Don’t change the subject,” You can’t say you’re surprised that Jimin is reacting like this. Self-proclaimed ‘disaster bisexual,’ Jimin was one of the very first friends you made back when you were a shy, barely functioning freshman. 

He actually introduced you to all his frat brothers, and a large number of the people you now call your friends. Including Yoongi, whose dick seems to be a reoccurring topic between you and… most people you know. Even if they weren’t at that dumb party, Jungkook made sure that every living being that stepped onto campus was aware of the newly found out fuckbuddies.

“We don’t keep anything from each other, Y/N,” He’s whining over his coffee now, full lips perched in that pretty pout that he regularly uses to his advantage. “I even told you about that time I puked on Namjoon’s dick in our second year!”

“Mmm, and I wish you hadn’t told me, Minnie-” The visual still haunts you, but Jimin has never had any predilections when it came to oversharing, especially not with people who have the misfortune of being his best friends. “‘Sides, I didn’t figure it was important, the whole Yoongi thing-”

“His dick, you mean.”

“Because it’s not like we’re getting married,” You carefully ignore him, a useful habit you’ve picked up three years into being his friend. “Just sex, remember?”

“So fucking what? You told me how you sucked Jeon’s cock in a movie theatre less than twelve hours after it happened-” You take a large gulp of your own iced coffee to busy yourself when the shameful memory is brought up. Not shameful because of the promiscuity of the act, no you’re an adult, thank you very much, but rather because of the boy you performed them on. Jeon Jungkook is now more of an annoying younger brother to you than anything. Not to mention he’s got a giant mouth that couldn’t keep a secret even if it killed him.

“Jesus you could’ve picked any other example-” You groan out as Jimin smirked, receiving the exact reaction from you he wanted. You think you’d have learned by now. “I’m sorry, okay? You big baby.”

“Hey, you’re on thin ice,” He points an accusatory finger at you and you have to fight the urge to smack it out of your face. “Now you have to make it up to me.”

You sigh- Jimin can really be exhausting when you’re only half a medium coffee in. “And how do you expect me to do that, Park.”

“Dick details, fucking obviously,” He says it like you’re a moron for even asking. And maybe you are. “Well details in general, I guess. You know, the basics; length, girth, does he make you call him daddy, is he good- I mean he must be un-fucking-real if you’ve been bouncing on it for three goddamn months, you whore.”

“I’m not giving you measurements, Jimin, I’ve yet to take a tape measure to it- and stop assuming everyone has a daddy kink just ‘cause you do.”

“Okay, vanilla bitch. You’re lucky I already know he’s got a monster cock from that time he streaked at that post-mid-term party next year.”

“Then why’d you even ask?”

“To see if you’d tell me the truth. It was a test and you failed.”

“I may be a college student but you’re gonna have to threaten me with a little more than a failing grade to spook me,” You roll your eyes playfully- there’s no real threat in his words, there never is.

“You’re right, I’m sure you’d much rather be punished by Yoongi, huh?”

[jimlingss]

Jungle Park [18]

Chapter 17 - Chapter 18 - Chapter 19

➜ Words: 8k

➜ Genres: Fluff, Angst, Light Humour (?), Slice of Life, Workplace Romance!AU

➜ Summary: The equation is simple. Hoseok needs to hire someone. You need a job. Except like any actual equation, it’s not fucking simple at all! Not when you have to add the fact that he was forced to hire someone he doesn’t want in his office, he has little respect for your job in general, and oh yeah...once upon a time you might have—*CENSORED*.

In the entire year, Hoseok always gives himself three weeks for a break.   He uses that time off to either travel, rest, or visit family during the holiday season. Being a partner of a firm, it comes with the privilege that he can take as many days off as he chooses, whenever he wants to, but he restricts himself as a form of discipline. He loves his work and takes pride in it. So the surprise is only imaginable when he calls in and lets the office know he’s taking a few days sabbatical.   And the place where Hoseok finds himself is not in a doctor’s office to scour for answers or some kind of temple to meditate and quiet down the chaos in his mind. Rather, he walks into a lion’s den that is sure to make his headache worsen.   His knuckles rap against the smooth surface of the door. It’s quiet for thirty seconds and he wonders if she’s even here, but there’s the sound of padding footsteps on the floorboard and the door swings open.   The woman on the other side is in her pajamas with a bathrobe on top and she leans against the door frame with a scoff, eyeing him up and down. “Well, well, well, look who we have here. Finally coming to visit this dead sister of yours? I never thought you’d care to visit.”   Hoseok doesn’t say a single word. There’s no remark made, no teasing, no banter. He pushes his way past her into the living room and she shuts the door, standing there with her brows raised. “What’s the matter with you, Seok?”   “Why didn’t you tell me?” The lawyer meets her eyes and she notices how swollen his are, as if he’s been crying for the past day and rubbing at them constantly. He looks worse for wear too, nothing like the energetic or polished kid that she’s used to.   “What are you talking about?”   “I found out about Y/N,” he murmurs and it’s all he needs to say to explain himself and he questions the only people he can. “Mom, dad, you...why didn’t any of you tell me?”   Hoseok thought he finally had it. After he woke up in a daze in the hospital, he slowly began to piece the entire puzzle together. He figured out the important people in his life, his childhood, the life leading up to now, who he was. Yet, an entire chunk of his life is missing from his memories. The picture was never complete. It was too empty. He was wrong. And he feels betrayed — betrayed that his entire family, that the people who mattered most to him, they agreed to hide this portion of his life. They didn’t tell him a single thing. He was played like a fool.   Sowon sighs and crosses her arms, leaning against the wall. “It’s not my place.”   “Then whose place is it?!” Hoseok lashes out, jaw ticking and teeth clenched. “I had no idea. I had no idea she even existed for years and no one thought to bring it up?! I was going to marry her—”   “Stop finding people to blame.”   She cuts him off with one sentence. Stern. Silent. Angry. His older sister takes two steps forward, eyes narrowed into him. “I’m your sister, Jung Hoseok. I’m not the first person who would bring up the topic of your ex-girlfriend, alright? When you woke up and didn’t remember, mom, dad, and I decided it was just better not to tell you about it. The past is in the past.”   “Stop saying that!” He’s sick and tired of that — the past is in the past — no, he refuses to believe that. Hoseok refuses to let go. He refuses to move on. The past is his present. No matter what people tell him, history has affected his current circumstances, has affected where he is and what his relationship is with you. Just because it’s today and there’s a tomorrow doesn’t mean yesterday has died. “And she’s not just an ex-girlfriend.”   “Then if she was so important to you, why did you break up with her in the first place?!”   “That’s what I’m still trying to figure out!”   He runs his hands through his hair in frustration, brought to the brink of tears once again.   Hoseok was losing his goddamn mind.   “I didn’t bring it up because I knew it was painful.” There’s an extended silence and Sowon sighs, moving to sit on the couch. He follows after her, falling down, slumped poster, downcasted head, defeated. “A few days before your accident, you called me on the phone. Drunk. You told me the entire time, you thought Y/N depended on you too much. She was ready to give up everything to be with you, and you didn’t want that. It was too much pressure. It was too much for you. But it turns out, you were the one who depended the most on her.”   The two of them look at each other again. “You were a mess, you know. And this was months after the break up. This was months after you packed your bags and left this place.” A wistful sighs leaves her mouth and she tips her head to stare at the ceiling, recounting the weeks before her brother landed himself in the terrible accident, telling him everything that she knows. “You were the one who broke up with her. But even after so much time, you were a mess. You even told me you wanted to quit law school.”   “What?”   His work is his sole passion. It’s his life. His practice. Hearing that he wanted to quit out loud sounds so entirely absurd. He wonders how much pain he was in, what his mindset was like, if he had trouble getting out of bed, if he was really as broken as his sister describes. It sounds like she’s speaking about a different person — he doesn’t know if he can believe it.   But at this point, everything was nonsensical.   “Yep. I was shocked too. After you told me that, I knew something was wrong.” A small smile graces her lips and Sowon whispers like it’s a secret she shouldn’t share, but she spills it anyways, “Y/N loved you. A lot. I knew it from the first time you introduced me to her. Our parents adored her too. We thought….‘Thank god. Hoseok finally found someone so amazing that he was going to marry and grow old with. He doesn’t need to feel lonely anymore’. Or at least, that’s what mom and dad hoped for. But….”   He swallows the thick lump in his throat. It physically hurts to hear what she has to say, yet he aches to hear more. “But?”   “I also knew she loved you a lot more than you loved her.”   The heavy atmosphere thickens, suffocating him. It feels like someone’s struck him across the face. The amount of shock is unbearable and his grip on what is real and what isn’t bleeds together like watercolours on a canvas. Part of him wants to shut his ears, refuse to believe these things, that he and you were once in love, that you had dated for nearly half-a-decade, that he was going to marry you, and now he doesn’t have a single memory of these things.   Maybe this urge for denial was what you were so fixated on.   “I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want you to remember something so painful. It was better for you to forget. And I figured if she was that important to you, if you truly loved and cared for her, you wouldn’t have broken up with her in the first place.” Sowon inhales another breath. “I didn’t tell you because it wouldn’t be fair to Y/N…”   He lets it sink in. “Did I always treat her so badly?”   “I don’t know. You’re one hell of an asshole, that’s for sure.”   “Y/N deserves better.”   His sister scoffs and shakes his head, telling him that he’s got it all wrong. Again. “Don’t pin this on her. It’s you who needs to clean up your act.”   //   It’s a sunny day, clear skies the vivid shade of azure. As irrational as it is, he can’t help but feel like the weather is taunting him. The cloudless horizon fitting for summer mocks the anguish he feels. He’d rather it rain. For fog to dim the brightness. For the outside to be as miserable as he is on the inside.   Hoseok’s been sitting in his car for the past hour, parked right outside of a suburban street. He’s a coward who doesn’t know what to say, how to make things better, who hesitates more than he acts. But the one thing he knows is that he can’t ignore this. He can’t be like you and pretend that it didn’t happen. He can’t act like you mean nothing to him. He’s more sure than ever that you are the answer to what he’s been missing most.   So with a large inhale, Jung Hoseok opens his car door and gets out. He takes yet another deep breath and crosses the street, stepping up to the house. If he was being honest to himself, he was absolutely terrified, not sure if his words or efforts will be of any use, not sure what the response will be. But he pushes fear to the back of his mind, braces himself, and rings the doorbell.   Hoseok waits. He waits and waits. He’ll wait as long as he needs to.   Eventually, the door creaks open and you’re there. He notices that your neck brace is gone, your whiplash most likely recovering better than expected, but your left shoulder is still in a sling. The bruises on your face have faded in colour and although your eyes were puffy from crying, it seemed like you were gradually making a smooth recovery from the accident.   “Hoseok?” You’re frozen in your spot, eyes wide, clad in pajamas. “What are you doing here? How did you even find—”   “The address was on your emergency contact form. I—...you didn’t pick up your phone.”   You’re panicked, turning around slightly before back at him and lowering your voice. “You need to leave, Hoseok. Now.”   “No, wait—!” He holds his hands at the door frame and before you can think twice, delayed in your thought processes, you’ve slammed the front door forward. It jams, catching on his fingers. He winces back with a sharp shout and you gasp.   “Oh my god!” You shove the door open again, grabbing his hand with your uninjured one. “Are you okay?!”   “I’m sorry.” He ignores the throbbing pain, the swelling digits and spits out what he’s been meaning to say before it’s too late and he’s run out of chances. “I’m sorry.” Your grip on his hand loosens and he clutches it tighter before it can slip through the gaps of his fingers. His voice is quiet and desperate. “I’m sorry.”   “That…” You stare towards the ground, cotton filling your mouth. “...that doesn’t make it any better.”   “I know,” Hoseok whispers.   There’s no point. “You don’t even remember.” He doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for.   “I know I blamed you for not telling me — I’m sorry.” Hoseok swallows hard and looks at you past his bangs that have begun to poke into his reddened eyes. You can’t recall the last time he looked so disheveled and…..sad. “I know that I left you and that I hurt you — I’m sorry.”   “I don’t blame you for what happened back then,” you interject before he can continue with his endless apologies that sound too genuine, but are meaningless to you. Your hand is taken from his grasps, returning to your side. “At least not anymore. You don’t even remember us. You don’t remember what you did. So, there’s no need for all of….this.”   Hoseok searches for what to say. “I don’t want you to quit because of me.”   “I wasn’t planning to,” you tell him with confidence, looking directly into his pupils. “Our personal and professional relationship are two different things and I love my job. Not even our past would make me give up on what I love. I’m not like how I used to be…” Your voice trails off and you sigh, meeting his gaze once more. “So you can go home now if that’s it.”   He speaks up before you can close the door again, too pathetic and desperate to talk to you. “I’m not done.”   “Then what else do you have to say?” you question the man who stands front of you and appears less like the put together lawyer, less like the bubbly boy you know, and more like the shadow of someone broken. It’s not fair. He was the one who dumped you after all. “What did you come here for, Hoseok? Was it just to say that you were sorry? So you can feel less guilty? Was it so you can make sure your HR manager is still working and you won’t have to hire someone new?”   “I...I-...I want us to be okay.”   You nod. It makes sense. He always thought about business first and wants to make sure it doesn’t interfere at the workplace. You can agree with that. “We’re okay then.”   But then Hoseok asks again, like he’s seeking a deeper answer, like he wants to know what you truly think and that it’s not simply business-related. “Are we?” His smooth timbre is far too sincere and seeking — it makes you shift uneasily.   “When I went to that interview more than half a year ago, Hoseok, I decided that we were okay. When I got the job and I had to see you everyday, I decided that it was okay.” With how many times you’re repeating it, it’s almost as if you’re trying to convince yourself. “It was okay before you knew, and it’ll be okay now. So is there anything else? Because I think you should go.”   But Hoseok doesn’t move. He doesn’t leave or enter. He just stands at your doorway, gazing into your eyes, letting the silence simmer as if he is savouring this painful moment. He searches your eyes and you realize how difficult it is to look at him — not just because the sunlight was piercing against his backside and made the edges of his frame fuzzier in the warm light.   It’s difficult when your heart aches so much, when it feels like the knots in your chest are tightening and tightening, yet never to snap.   The pause lingers in the air and his gaze becomes too intense, too intimate.   “What are we, Y/N?”   You shake your head, brows furrowing. “What do you mean?”   “What are we?” He reiterates, asking to clarify the chaos in his mind, to understand the picture and make it more clear, to fit the puzzle pieces together and make the image complete.   You never thought there would be a day Jung Hoseok would appear at your front doorstep, begging for forgiveness and asking you the question that you’ve been wondering since this all started. You’ve dreamt about this moment for so long that you never realized it was a nightmare instead of a dream.   “You’re my boss and I’m your employee,” you assert firmly. “We’re exes that don’t let our past personal relationship affect our current professional relationship.” Your voice becomes weaker as it goes on and you shouldn’t ask, but you itch to know what’s going inside that mind of his, to know if your feelings are once again unrequited. “Why? What do you want us to be?”   He seeks your eyes earnestly, tone as soft as yours.   “Is it selfish if I want us to be more?”   “....yes...it is.” It’s too much. It’s overwhelming. Hoseok is being too honest and you swore you wouldn’t cry in front of him again. “You can’t just appear in front of me years later and tell me you want to try again. Whether or not you remember, I do and it hurts.”   “Y/N.”   “Who’s at the door?” An older woman approaches, footsteps increasing in sound, coming closer and closer. “Don’t leave it open like that! You’re going to let bugs through—”   “Mom!” Immediately, you turn around before you can process your movements and your neck becomes sore from the swift motion. Still, you attempt to cover the man at the doorway with your own body. Your efforts are fruitless.   The old woman in the purple floral apron sees right past you and she stares. It must be your mother and he muses that you share a resemblance to her. Hoseok gawks before his head dips slightly. “Hello.”   She looks at you and deadpans, “What is he doing here?”   “He was just leaving!” You rush to push him through the door, but before any of you can react, she’s grabbed the broomstick leaning against the entryway side table.   “Get out!”   “Mom!”   “Get out!” She yells and hits him with the brush end of the broomstick, scratching him. His arms lift automatically to defend his head and she screams, chasing him out until he’s stumbling back onto the lawn. “You have the audacity to show up at my house?! You’re shameless! Get out! Get away from my daughter!”   “Mom!” You run out into broad daylight when she switches the broomstick in her hand, wanting to hit him with the hard plastic handle part instead of the brush. But before she can beat him with it, you lug your body in front of Hoseok. At the same time, she strikes down and smacks your left shoulder in the sling.   A cry tears out from your throat and she drops the broom like it burns her. “Y/N! Oh my god! Oh my god!”   Hoseok’s eyes are wide, nearly falling from his sockets, brows furrowed, features twisted in sick worry. “Are you okay?!”   “Just go,” you grunt out past gritted teeth.   He begins to back away, not wanting to, but finding no other choice. Your mom scrambles by your side, giving him no time of day when she ushers you back into the house. Hoseok gets into his car, gripping his steering wheel with trembling hands, feeling more pathetic than he did before.   //   It’s tragically funny how you’re the one who has to placate your mom’s hysterics when she should be the one comforting you. But oddly enough, you feel calmer when someone else is going crazy. It’s like they’re doing it for you and you can live vicariously through their emotions.   “Was he the one who made you like this?!”   Your mom points to your shoulder and you shake your head.   “No. I told you. It was an accident.”   She leans forward, sitting at the kitchen table across from you. “Then why was he here, Y/N? What does that man want from us?!”   “I—” You don’t know what to tell her, if you can bear to reveal that you work for him now, that he doesn’t remember a single thing from the past, that he came to apologize even when he can’t recall, that he questioned what the two of you are, and how he asked you if it was selfish to want to be together.   You still can’t wrap your mind around the conversation. All you know is that it hurts. You’re at a loss. A loss for words. A loss of what to do. What to feel.   “How can you be with someone who has made you cry so much?! He left you!” Your mom is enraged, upset, and when she looks at you, your pain is also her’s. “Don’t you have any self-respect for yourself, huh?”   What’s more hurtful than Hoseok showing up at your doorstep is the truth. Your voice is hoarse. “I still love him.”   “W-What?”   “Is it so wrong to love him even after he’s done so much to hurt me, mom?”   You look at her, meeting her eyes, begging for an answer. Her hardened expression softens, mouth opening before closing, speechless. The old woman shuts her eyes, sighs and leans back into her chair. She pinches the bridge of her nose, wondering how she raises such a hopeless daughter. But her anger has dissipated into tender pity and sadness.   “I don’t want you to take beatings for him,” she whispers, like she’s the one pleading for you not to be like this anymore, not to do this, not to feel this way. There were so many people to love in this world — why did it have to be that man? “I don’t want you to run in front of him and defend him like you did earlier. Do you think this is what your dad would’ve wanted for you?”   “I can’t help it.” You’re frustrated, feeling a loss of control. It was an impulse to run to him, a reflex that doesn’t make you think twice. “I’ve tried and tried, but...I still love him. I don’t think I ever stopped.”   She calls your name gently, helpless, unable to find any other word.   “What should I do, mom?” This time it’s you who’s pleading. Pleading for a way out, for any explanation or cure. “What should I do when I’m still in love with Hoseok?”

It’s a very question that you ask yourself over and over again. Nights are spent sleepless when the realization of your emotions plague and haunt your sole being. When your denial fixation and your defense of making light of the situation have been stripped away, there are unhealed wounds left. The skin underneath your bandages are still bleeding. The stitches never mended your skin. And it’s completely pathetic how you’re still crying over an ex like this.   Eight years of recovery are washed down the drain when you still haven’t gotten over the man named Jung Hoseok.   “Hello.” You end up sounding chirpier than the voice droning inside your head. “Where are we off to this evening?”   “Hello.” The older woman smiles, wrinkles creasing around her eyes, grey streaks vivid in her hair that’s pulled into a low bun. “I believe it’s called Sunnyside Street.”   “Alright.” The traffic is heavier on this main road and as you wait for it to pass before pulling away, you glance into the rear-view mirror. “Are you having a good night so far?”   “Yes.” The apples of her cheeks blush in a bright shade, glowing and making the old woman look much younger and more radiant. “I went on one of the greatest dates with my boyfriend.”   “That’s so nice.” You melt a little, a tiny smile taking its place on your visage.   “And how are you, dear?”   “Honestly…” It’s a loaded question and for a second, you can only answer with a long sigh. The old woman has no idea that she’s about to open Pandora’s Box, that your head is a pressurized geyser ready to burst. “Not so good.”   “Oh, why not?”   “I..uh..recently dislocated my shoulder.” You leave out the part about getting into a car accident, not wanting to alarm the poor woman and make her question your driving skills. “I’m better now, but it still kind of aches sometimes.”   “My goodness. That sounds awful! You should be more careful then.”   “And that’s not all.” You laugh and it’s far too bitter than what you’re used to hearing from yourself. “I strained my neck too and I...I moved back into my mom’s house and the...the...laundry machine is broken and there’s...there’s noth...ing… in t..he fr...idge t..hat I li..ke to ea..t.”   By the time that you’re finished, you’re full on sobbing into your hands. You’re crying hysterically, vision clouded with teardrops, as if you just finished watching The Titanic or The Notebook, except this is real life and you’re not crying because of fictional characters. It’s definitely a new low when you’re having a mental breakdown in front of a passenger who’s more or less a stranger.   “Are you alright?” The sweet old lady is genuinely concerned and not as freaked out as you would be if your taxi driver suddenly bursted into tears.   “I’m still in love with my ex!” You cry out, beating the steering wheel with your closed fist like you’re punishing it. “I’m in love with him!”   “Oh, sweetheart.” She leans forward, patting your back to comfort you. “You deserve better. It just takes some time to heal.”   “No, no. This is different.” You’re still weeping and it’s uncontrollable as it is unbearable. “He...I t-think he wants to get back together...and I love him.”   “Then what’s the problem?” She tilts her head, sympathizing. “Is it a problem with his personality?”   “No.” You shake your head, feeling like a child throwing a tantrum especially when you’re hiccuping and sniffling through every other word. “He’s sweet and kind and my best friend. He’s the nicest person I’ve ever met.”   “But?”   “W-Wh..at if...we won’t work?”   What if everything happens over again. What if this is all wrong. He’s thrown you away before and he can do it again. You can put your heart on your sleeve and he can break it once more. He wants you back after he’s abandoned you. It’s unfair. It’s cruel. And it’s pathetic that you’re even considering running back to him. It’s pathetic that you’ve even allowed him to enter your life again, that you let him stand in front of you and tell you the things you wanted to hear so badly years ago. Just because he wants you now still doesn’t change the fact of what happened, regardless if he remembers or not.   You’re crippled and you’re not so sure you have the strength to walk alongside him anymore.   “Well, that’s a question everyone asks.” Your passenger gives a gleaming smile, one that reminds you too much of him. “If things have changed and timing is good, then why not? There’s no harm in trying, right? You don’t want to be my age and look back and wonder. Take it from someone who’s only finding love now.”   Somehow, the lovely woman is more calming than you expected. She helps you breathe through your meltdown and pats your back in constant beats comfortingly until you get a grip of yourself.   “Does he make you happy?”   “Yes…”   “Then that’s your answer.” Her smile widens and she makes it sound so much simpler than it actually is. Your heart aches, torn between what you want and what you are fearful of.   //   It’s easy to make a decision. It’s much more difficult to make the right one. Maybe because most of the time, no one knows what the right decision is. No one knows what the consequences may be. A year from now, he could either leave you broken-hearted again or make you the happiest that you’ve ever been. You don’t need him. You want him. But just because your heart wants to be with him doesn’t mean you should obey to its will, especially when your mind tells you that you’re an idiot for even having such a desire.   Jung Hoseok — the epitome of sunshine, that illuminates your world and gives colour to your surroundings, painting it in vivid hues, but who pulls you away from the comfortable darkness, turning you blind, someone who used to make you feel so inadequate from his sheer radiance.   He may not have changed. But you have.   You aren’t so weak anymore. Your confidence will not be so easily swayed. But the fear of all the assurance you’ve built in the past few years crumbling is too great.   “Y/N?”   “Hey…” You clutch your phone tighter in your hand, not letting it slip even when your arm is trembling. “...how are you?”   “I’m good.” The voice on the other line is smooth and gentle. “You?”   “I...just needed someone to talk to.”   “I’m all ears.” Hani’s smile is practically heard in her voice. Your old best friend is one of the few people that actually know the history and you decided to reach out to her, chose her out of everyone else. After reconnecting, it occurred to you that no matter how much physical distance there is between you both, how much time has passed, she’ll always be a friend. You were wrong when you thought there was no one left to depend on.   At your extended silence, she pipes up again. “What’s wrong?”   “I don’t know what to do,” you murmur, slumped in your childhood bed, door shut and caught between the walls of where you grew up, before any of this had happened.   “Is this about Hoseok?”   You pause. “Yes.”   Her breath softens and steadies, heard on the other end. Hani sops whatever she was doing and you brace yourself. “Do you remember halfway through our first year?” she asks you suddenly. “Taeyeon wanted to get back together with that asshat...what’s his face...Soonyoung? God!”   A small laugh leaves through your throat, husky around the edges. “I remember.”   “On their fifth date or something, he went and invited her out to one of the most expensive restaurants and then he ditched her halfway and made her pay! He raided my fridge too. I’ll never forgive him for stealing my steak takeout,” Hani mutters, still holding the grudge. “And I couldn’t believe she was so head over heels that she wanted to get back together with him! Do you remember what we told her?”   “Yes.” You smile, beginning to feel calmer. “We told her that she deserved better.”   “Yeah and thank god she ended up with Baekho. Their kids are the cutest things ever.”   “They are,” you agree.   “What I’m saying is that it’s always been a rule of mine not to get together with an ex. You broke up for a reason and people don’t change all that much. Chances are things might not work out again for the same reasons.”   “You’re right.”   “But I don’t think anyone’s more perfect for you than Hoseok,” Hani says, unexpected and causing a thick lump to form uncomfortably in your throat. You pull the covers over your head as if it could shield you away from the light above your head that’s suddenly too bright, exposing too much. “Y/N?”   “Hmm.” You hum, acknowledging that you’re listening.   “I mean it when I say it. I obviously don’t know your relationship as well as you do, but he never mistreated you once in those four years and even when you fought, you both made it okay again. I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not even a believer in soulmates. But I remember back then thinking how jealous I was of you, jealous that you found someone who cherished you so much.”   Not another word is spoken from your lips, yet the female knows all too well that you heed every syllable she utters. “You can imagine my surprise when you left with him and then came back alone. I was shocked. I was really……...really rooting for the both of you.”   A long sigh is heard over the other line and you shut your eyes tight, listening to the fuzziness of her timbre, the slight white noise and buzz of speaking on the phone that makes you nostalgic of years ago when you used to curl up in your bed and talk to each other in the same manner.   “He was young then and so were you. Life was getting started, so I understand if he didn’t want to tie himself or you down so soon. You were going to get married and all and he was going to finish law school soon….” Her voice fades off into silence. “Whatever you decide, if you get back together again, it doesn’t mean you’re committing yourself to anything. There’s no harm in trying.”   You swallow hard, voice croaking when it comes out. “I just…”   “I know.” Her smile is heard in her voice again. “But it’s been eight long years since then. How many more years are you waiting for?”   //   His office seems much more suffocating than it used to. He doesn’t know why that’s the case when the walls have not altered and his furniture stays the same. Still, Hoseok’s eyes stray off to the window, caught in a daze. He’s going against everything he stands for, the code of professionalism, of not overstepping boundaries, of not imposing himself onto you.   Being with you makes him selfish.   Every time, Hoseok’s eyes wander unintentionally, it always lands on you, finding it so easy to pick you out in a crowd of people. And he always feels sad when he looks at you. Hoseok doesn’t think he could ever make up or atone for what he’s done. The entire time, he thought you were playing him as the fool when you were actually sparing him and suffering silently.   You bear the burden of those memories alone.   He wonders what you thought every day when you passed by his office, when you ate with him, spoke to him, laughed with him, and he was completely oblivious. It’s sheerly mind boggling that you were his fiancée at some point in his life. In a million years, he could’ve never imagined the person he hired, the person who he works alongside would’ve meant so much to his former self.   “Jung Hoseok?”   “Yes? My apologies.” The lawyer looks back to his client across from him. “You were saying?”   “I was thanking you for all the work you’ve done for me.” The young man, no more than twenty-four, smiles. “But I spoke about it to my wife and in the end we decided we’re going to stay together.”   “You’re staying together?” He frowns, unable to quite understand.   The male nods. “We’ve been seeing a counselor together and we decided to pull through or at least see what happens.”   The corner of Hoseok’s mouth quirks. “I’ll admit, I’m a bit surprised.”   “I know. As they say, love isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.” The man nods to himself, explaining the situation to make sense of it. “It was difficult for her when the honeymoon stage of our relationship ended. I still loved her...but maybe not like how I used to. But y’know, we got the break we needed and we talked and I missed her a lot. I realized it wasn’t that I didn’t love her anymore. It was more like our love had just become a bit different.” The smile that appears on the young man’s lips are reserved more for himself. “We made a choice to stay together.”   “Alright then.” The lawyer shakes his client’s hand, both standing up to conclude the meeting. “Call me again if you ever need to.”   “Hopefully, I won’t,” he laughs.   Hoseok always regarded himself as the Grim Reaper of marriages. He breaks off relationships every day, calling their time of death in the courthouse, severing unions meant to last a lifetime. It’s not often that he loses business like this, but it’s still refreshing to see someone walk out of his office still with their spouse and content with it.   “Hoseok?” Jimin snaps his fingers, forming right in front of him like a magician. “Are you okay?”   “I’m fine. What?”   “You’re just standing there staring off.” He leans in, whispering and finally pressing the button to call for the elevator. “You’re kind of freaking out our poor receptionists.”   “Sorry.” Hoseok blinks a few times, trying to break out of his trance.   “There’s been something off about you. Are you sure you’re alright?” Jimin’s brow is raised in skepticism, crossing his arms and tapping his foot. “Speaking of which, I’ve also caught wind that there’s something weird going on between you and Y/N. Care to explain? Does it have anything to do with the fact that she took two weeks off work?”   “It’s nothing,” he reassures and makes it short, not wanting to divulge in his personal problems and not knowing where to even begin. Hoseok steps into the elevator when the doors part, feeling the thumps of an oncoming headache.   “Then you won’t mind telling Y/N about the upcoming weekend vacation?”   “It’s this weekend?”   “Yes, it’s this weekend. Did you forget? All the expenses paid for the entire firm to go relax. We talked about it for a month.”   “It just...slipped my mind.”   Nothing ever slips Hoseok’s mind. He is punctual, organized, methodical. Jimin knows that much, but he doesn’t pester him about it. “Remind Y/N too. She must’ve forgotten.”   Hoseok often bends to Jimin’s will, giving in to his partner for the sake of harmony, but this is one of the few times he doesn’t. Instead, he tells Seulgi to inform you and when she asks why he won’t do it himself, he answers with a glare, making the female purse her lips and remember her boss before you came along and softened his tyranny.   Seulgi doesn’t come to your office alone either, bringing along Lisa, Dahyun and Sunyi with her.   “Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that.” A smile more tense than intended appears on your face. “Thanks for reminding me.”   “Y/N….it might not be my place…” Sunyi glances at the other females, hesitating. “So, don’t feel pressured to tell us...if we’re making you uncomfortable then...you know...we’ll leave…”   “Oh, just cut to the chase.” Lisa rolls her eyes and looks directly at you, never favouring the method of beating around the bush. “Is Hoseok going to fire you?”   “What? No.” Or at least, you don’t think so.   “Good or else we’ll join together and beat him up.” Dahyun grins, cheeks puffing out, Lisa having rubbed off on the girl and making her more brave.    You smile, but Seulgi doesn’t completely buy it. “Is there something going on then?”   The legal assistant is too sharp. She’s quickly caught on that you no longer speak to each other, that you don’t even look at each other. Except, when you’re not paying attention, Hoseok stares at you while wearing the most guilty expression she’s ever seen from him. You both look terribly sad, a stark contrast to just a few weeks ago when you were practically best friends in the office.   “No, not really,” you lie.   “Well, we’re here for you if you need it!” Sunyi reaffirms enthusiastically. “Don’t be afraid of him. If he does something to you, just tell us. I’m a lawyer. I’ve been looking for excuses to sue Hoseok anyways.”   “I’m a paralegal,” Seulgi adds on with a sheepish smile, brushing away her suspicions to try to cheer you up.   “I have a knack for fighting with my fists.” Lisa jumps into a boxing stance and you laugh. You really needed this, you really needed to be reminded of why you loved this job so much.   “I..uh...have poison ivy in my garden,” Dahyun says out of the blue, having nothing else to offer and also making each of them turn towards her with a frown. You grin, genuinely feeling better.   You’re not alone. There are great people in your life that you had pushed aside and you’ve met great people being here. Jung Hoseok just happens to be one of them. He’s not the only one.

Belongings packed, house keys tucked away, baggage left all behind. You really needed this — a place to relax, a place where it wasn’t so hard to breathe. But you’re not so sure how much it’ll help considering he’s here too.   It feels as if you’re running in the same spot. Only the sceneries happen to change. The train was lulling you, engine chugging along the tracks, the carts making small bumps and causing bodies to jolt, knees to knock. One glance across the aisle and you find Hoseok not doing work like he usually would. He stares out the window, motionlessly, not awake or asleep.   You know that you’re prolonging the inevitable. You’re making him suffer like you are, stuck in purgatory with no answers. The time has arrived to come to grips with what’s changed, what’s been revealed.   “We finally arrived!” Jin stretches his arms above his head, causing his backpack to bump into a mother holding a screaming toddler. She glares and he mutters an apology.   “Finally.” Yoongi sighs. “My ass hurts.”   “It always hurts.” Sunyi rolls her eyes, gripping the handle of her suitcase with both hands.   “Yeah.” He smirks. “Because of the things you do to it.”   The female lawyer flushes red from her chin to her hairline. Though, she doesn’t back down either. “Like what? Your ass is a deflated balloon, Min. No one can even spank it because they’d miss!”   Jimin interferes before it can spiral out of control. “Break it up you two.” He glances at you and Hoseok. “And you two need to get your chins up! Stop looking so miserable! We’re finally here!”   “I��m just a bit tired...that’s all.” The corners of your mouth move upwards — it seems to do it on its own nowadays without you even needing to force it too much.   “We should get to the hostel,” Namjoon agrees.   “But I’m hungry,” Taehyung childishly sighs, leaning his weight on the youngest lawyer. “Let’s go get a bite to eat!”   “I’m kind of hungry too,” Jungkook pitches his opinion in, though his eyes wander towards you in concern.   “Can we really bring all our luggage and backpacks to a restaurant?” Inyoung asks, securing her sunhat over her head and shielding her face away from the rays.   “I don’t see why not,” Lisa says, “We didn’t bring that much stuff to begin with.”   “Okay.” Jimin mediates the issue since it’s obvious that you’re out of it. He doesn’t mind much and finds a simple solution. “We can split off into two groups. Those who want to eat and those who want to rest.” There’s a murmur with the crowd, agreeing and they move into two different hordes. He looks off at you and Hoseok. “What about you guys?”   You take a deep breath before channeling a bright smile. “I’d actually love to go sightseeing. I’m not that hungry and I think it’s a waste to just go to the hostel now.” Your feet automatically shift towards Hoseok and you tip your head to one side. “Want to come?”   His eyes are large, staring back into yours. “Me? S-..sure….”   “Are you sure?” Jungkook’s brows furrow, concerned for your well-being. “Didn’t you say you were tired?”   “I’m feeling better now that I’m off the train.” They’re fairly convinced by how well you act.   Yet, Jimin’s gaze remains pointed, as if he can so easily read between the lines. A few others can as well, like Seulgi and Yoongi who seem to understand beneath the perfected exteriors. But none of them ask, playing dumb and agreeing, turning away to get a move on. “Alright! Sounds like a plan! Catch you later then.”   The pair of you linger at the station, watching the group go off and strangers who pass by, going towards the train that whistles for passengers to board. You brace yourself in the chaos of people before looking at Hoseok. “I think we should talk.”   “Okay.”   //   It’s a quaint café, one that you do not know, but still welcomes you as though you are a regular. The both of you slip into a window seat, the rest of the world shining behind a pane of glass. Across from you, he takes a sip of his drink, eyes boring into the wooden table while you grasp your coffee cup.   It’s tragically ironic — it reminds you too much of your first day with him, but the scene is recreated for an entirely different reason.   “Can I start?” Hoseok finds courage to meet your gaze and you nod. He takes a deep exhale, setting down his cup. “I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days and….you’re right — we shouldn’t let our past personal relationship affect our current professional relationship. I’m your boss and I shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. It was stupid of me.”   He continues with a long sigh. “You….you deserve to be with someone who can make you happy, Y/N. I’m sorry for even thinking that I...that I...”   It’s the same as it was before. It’s exactly the same as eight years ago, how he prefaced it before breaking off the engagement in the quietness of your apartment. History will repeat itself.   Except, you won’t let it.   Jung Hoseok left you confused and hurt, questioning every quality about yourself. You allowed him to slip from your fingertips, damage you in the process, and you won’t let it happen again. You won’t let yourself be broken by Jung Hoseok anymore.   “You deserve better.”   Like a mantra memorized over lonely nights, over tear-stained pillows, printed to the forefront of your consciousness, everything you should’ve said years ago, they befall from your lips— “Bullshit.”   “I deserve better? Why can’t you be better?” The silence between you both settles to suffocate and he is caught in startlement, cotton filling his mouth, urging you to persist. “Why can’t you make me happy? Why can’t it be you?”   “I—”   “I never took you for being so fickle, Hoseok. I didn’t know you would change your mind so fast.” He had bursted into your home, was chased out by your mother, and now sits in front of you, telling you the opposite of what he had asked. “Don’t make this about our professional relationship and don’t try to act like this won’t affect us anyways. Don’t make up such bullshit excuses for your laziness. Don’t make up excuses because you don’t want to be with me.”   “That’s not it!” He shouts and lowers his voice when people turn around to glare. His frustration clogs his throat, making it difficult to speak — torn between doing what’s responsible and doing something for himself. “I….want to be with you.”   “Then try harder.” The beat of silence lingers. “Don’t you have any confidence in us?”   “I don’t have any confidence in myself,” he reveals, uttering what you had felt all those years ago. His chest rises and falls, hyperventilating and your eyes trace against each of his lashes, past the slope of his nose, the dips of his cupid’s bow. Hoseok was a man of many things, but one of his best qualities is how he’s always been sincere in everything he says and does.   “I’m scared,” he whispers. “I don’t remember what I did to you and I don’t know if I’ll do it again, Y/N. I don’t even remember how I fucked up and….and I want you to have the best and that’s...that’s not me.”   “I don’t want the best.” You gaze at him, speaking past the lump in your throat. This moment is eight years too late. But these are the words that have been waiting for that long. Eight years. This is what you should’ve said — when you should’ve come back for him — when you should’ve fought for what you wanted instead of giving up so easily. The blame is on you as much as it is on him. “Have you asked me what I wanted?”   You’ve a decision. Should’ves end here.   “I...”   “I want you.” Your voice is firm, finally matching to how you wanted it to be, finally in your control again. The leap of courage is taken and you wager your time, your heart, your feelings. One last time. “I want you.”   Your eyes are locked onto the man named Jung Hoseok, your boss, best friend, partner of four wonderful years, ex-fiancé. “Try to be the best. Try and that’s enough. It’s enough for me. I let you break my heart before, Hoseok. I won’t let a second time happen.”

[heartlandseli]

At First Blush. Eli + Landon.

Title: At First Blush. Timeframe: Sometime in the evening of 8/30. Tagging: Landon Prestley [ @landonprestley ] and Elijah Heartland Total: 1,997 words. Notes: Complete.

ELIJAH Elijah wasn't usually one to put his business on the internet but he never backed down from a challenge. Heartlands weren't yellow bellied and who was he to be scared away by a couple of questions? He wasn't. Elijah had been as honest as possible without being obscene. There was oddly some part of him that still felt wrong admitting some of the things he had but one thing he'd never feel bad about was telling the truth. In particular, the truth of one Landon Prestly.

 Elijah didn't spend too much time around the Ranch except for family gatherings and dinners, but today he was doing a few small chores for his family. He'd never not been one to help out. Elijah was about to grab some wooden beams to carry out to the field where they were patching rotted parts of the fence, when he saw him.

 "Oh," he said in surprise. He gave a little grin and blinked several times in a row. "Wasn't sure I'd see you here today," he said. Elijah had the decency to look a little abashed. "You... taking a break?" He asked. "I don't wanna interrupt."

LANDON With all the festivities that had transpired in this past day it seriously made the man want to cash in on a vacation day. But in the end he decided against that. Who wanted to be alone with their thoughts? What happened between Elijah and himself caused him no shame. The urge was strong with that one. However, the consequences should have been immediate given the last name of the other. At least it was done now after his admittance to Tex or was over before it really even started was more like it. Regardless.

The man had just finished trying his luck in training a new Stallion the Heartland’s had found. And that shit head was even more stubborn then him at times. Which was saying a lot. Finally, he decided to throw in the towel at least for a few hours. Surely he would have a felt welts on his stomach from being kicked. “Uh yeah.” A small response. Was he unlucky? Possibly after hearing the other’s voice. But Landon knew this avoidance game wouldn’t last forever. He just thought he had more time. “Here as always.” Fuck this was already awkward for him and the worst part is Elijah seemed to be totally oblivious. “You’re not interrupting.” Those words a start. “We should probably talk. But I’m shit for beating around the bush. So, I’ll just lay it out.” Landon pushed himself forward and stood tall in his own sort of method of ripping the band-aid so to speak. “I told Tex about whatever happened earlier. So, it can’t happen again. I’m not going to apologize for my actions cause I don’t regret it. But it shouldn’t have happened. And to save both of our times from me trying to muster up some speech .. I’ll just say I do care about your family and this job. It’s just better this way. I hope you can understand. If not, well I won’t hold it against you. I can be known as the asshole. I’m well too familiar with it."

ELIJAH If there were ever words you didn't want to hear at the beginning of a conversation, 'we should probably talk' had to be at the top of the list. He had a sinking feeling in his stomach; and it turned out to be for good reason. Elijah knew he'd have to talk to Tex at some point after this, but he'd not told Tex because there was nothing to tell. What was a little sexual Dominance between friends? Or...longtime family employees...or his brother's best friend? Elijah knew it had been not the greatest choice but they were both adults.

His heart sunk into his stomach as Landon continued. "Oh," he said. But he wasn't one to tuck tail and run. Not after that. Not after this morning. There was such a stark change and he knew they'd both enjoyed something about this morning. "Well...seems to me you walked into it with both eyes open, Prestley," said Elijah. "I--I'm..." He felt dumb for apologizing because he knew it wasn't a misunderstanding. "I'm sorry if you felt like I pressured you...or that you had to pretend to indulge me because of who I am..." Elijah shook his head. "I didn't---mean." He paused, eyes down, but he forced himself to look up. "If you did this because you thought I would axe your job if you didn't---? I'm sorry. It wasn't like that."

He took a step away. Then turned. "I was hoping you knew me better than that." He began to head off, posts in hand.

LANDON Usually, Landon was the type to just wing it. He didn’t like planning things out. He would rather ride the wave that was life. Be it he was no where near an ocean but the analogy was still there. Shit, that rush he actually kind of chased. Why most of his off the job antics were so extreme. If it didn’t get his blood pumping then what was the point? Now this was not to say he had the encounter with Elijah for that purpose. He hadn’t. But he had just lived in that moment without any sort of consequences and disregard of who Elijah was involved with. Who he had ties to as well. A Family that honestly he had latched on for his own. He had been working on their ranch since right out of high school. If the man had any sympathy and loyalty it was to them.

“Everything has an aftermath.” You are free to make whatever choice you want but you are not free from the consequences of your choice. “I’ve always been an act now think later type.” He shrugged without regret. To the male that was a sad excuse for someone’s actions. Regret was an appalling waste of energy. “Stop.” The man remarked voice deep with dominance. But in the few seconds after Landon reprimanded his own self. That was no right of his. Elijah had every right to just walk off. Shit, anybody did after this exchange deserved that. “That was slightly uncalled for.” His stubbornness though was pushed to the side subtly. It was his own version of what seemed to mirror as close as it could to an apology. “We’re adults. I don’t have to pretend with anything. I wanted it. You did too. But I’ve worked here for far too long. My heart’s not that big but I respect the rest of your family. Especially your brother. He told me to back off and I agree. I should. So blame me. This wasn’t you..” This was different and that respect was generated fully. In any other circumstance, he would have been the asshole that he had been hinting at. In these situations it was his rule-book or go to for somebody to hate him. Hatred made it way easier to for the other party to cope. He could deal with that with someone’s ability to move forward. Nonetheless, as he turned down the cruelty he still projected being blamed. His solution.

  ELIJAH The word 'stop' laced with such Dominance had Elijah freezing in his tracks. He put the post down and turned. This was too big a conversation to have pretending like he'd rather be anywhere else. His jaw flexed. It was a stark relief to hear Landon say he wanted what they did last night and he wasn't pretending. He would've wrestled hard with himself over the truth of that if Landon hadn't said it outright.

"Why do I have to blame anyone?" Elijah asked, brows crunched in frustration. "We did nothing wrong." So maybe there were optics to consider. The entanglements Landon had with Elijah's family. But at the end of the day...they were both adults who'd agreed to this because they felt the desire. Elijah shook his head, getting worked up internally. He had to take a calming breath. It felt unfair. Elijah met Landon's gaze. "I'm not sorry about what we did." He lifted his arms and dropped them again. "I just don't get why it has to be a choice between this family, and this job, and...doing what we wanna do. Landon. Together."

LANDON “Moments before you were just blaming yourself. Going on about that ridiculous idea that I indulged you because of your last name. That’s some crock of shit if I ever did hear it.” His voice was still deep to make his words more accountable in case there had been any lingering doubt from the other. It boiled down to Landon not liking what the other was hinting at. And he wasn’t going to let that slide or have it be thought about from the other. Landon wouldn’t let it. On a side note he cursed himself for having this conversation be dragged on. See this is why hate was so much easier. Less talking and more cold shoulders. He could deal with that much more better. This understanding he was already beginning to feel weight from. But here he was still feeling that urge to owe it to the man in front of him nonetheless.

“I look out for the one’s who have looked out for me. You aren’t around here much and even though this is your property, your land and the rest of your family are involved here things can get easily lost in translation. Tex is one of my partners in crime. He probably pushed for me to land this job as I wouldn’t have hired my ass right out of high school. I was a hot mess. Anyways, as much fun as I had for that one moment no amount of ass is worth risking that since you’re his brother.” Landon didn’t like that he had gotten a little too sentimental. Shit, it really made him seem like a pussy. But nonetheless much to his disdain the words he echoed were true. “So you’ll have to find someone else to play with. Surely you won’t have a problem in that department around here.” The truth hurt sometimes but that was life. Now it was his turn to pull himself from this situation before anyone could overhear this conversation. He didn’t want his business out there for the whole ranch of Heartland to stumble upon. Dully noted as he turned from the other and started to make his way back to the gated circle that he had just come from where the stallion was more then likely still being a shithead.

ELIJAH "That was before you told me what I knew, Landon. That you did want it, and it wasn't because you thought I'd hold your job over you." Though Elijah was being selfish by not admitting the fact that it was problem enough that such a possibility could exist in anyone's mind at all. It meant their whole balance was off. Elijah was just being a child. He didn't want to admit the truth. That he couldn't and shouldn't want Landon Prestley. It was trouble.

He felt the sting in his chest at Landon's words. No amount of ass was worth it. No amount of Elijah was worth it. He shouldn't conflate the two. It wasn't exactly what Landon was saying. It still felt the same in the moment. "Don't you worry about who I'm playing with, Prestley. Don't." He hated that his last name had barred him from what he thought was a promising connection. He'd just go home and lick his wounds. Then pretend the next day he didn't have any. His issues from the claim dissolution were likely making this seem bigger than it was. He just had to remember that. He walked away too, but paused to look back at him once more. Then stalked away and got back into his truck, needing to leave the ranch, and Landon, behind.

[writerbyaccident]

Blow a Fuse (Yandere BakugouxReader)

finally, another puntastic title!

Bakugou stumbled in on you crying in the bathroom. Well, in actuality, he had been following you, but he figured that you didn’t need to know that. Normally he wouldn’t have pursued you in the bathroom, but as he stood by the door, he had heard sobs echoing off of the tiles. He was certain that you were the one crying, no one else sounded quite like you. As soon as he realized what exactly he was hearing, his heart twisted and blazed in his chest. God, it felt like the worst fucking case of heartburn ever. For a moment he debated whether he should actually barge in on you or not, he didn’t want you to think that he was some kind of perv, after all. But when a particularly harsh sob came from inside the bathroom, Bakugou knew that he needed to check up on you.

“Hey,” he said, knocking on the door. “Is everything okay in there?” At the sound of his voice, you gasped and unsuccessfully tried to quiet your sobs.

“I’m fine,” you replied, your voice shaking. “Just go away.” Bakugou sighed in frustration at your stubbornness. It was pretty damn obvious that you weren’t okay, but you clearly weren’t about to admit it.

“No, you’re not. I’m coming in.” And without waiting for a response, Bakugou pushed the door open. He glanced around the room quickly, signature scowl adorning his face, when you slipped out of the stall you had been hiding in.

“I said to go away.” At first, Bakugou didn’t even process what you said. No, he was far too focused on how you looked. Your eyes were a bloody red, and tears had practically canvassed your face. Lips trembling, you looked as though you might break down again at the slightest sound.

“I don’t give a shit what you said,” Bakugou answered once his head caught up with your words. Slowly, as not to startle you, he approached your shaking form. Once he reached you, he was sorely tempted to hold you in his arms, but he reluctantly reminded himself that that would just freak you out. The two of you might be in the same class, but you weren’t exactly close. To Bakugou’s irritation, your relationship was still pretty one sided at this point. He knew that he could be intimidating, to say the very least, so he had forced himself to take things slow integrating himself into your life. But it seemed like that wasn’t such a good strategy after all, not if you were crying and he couldn’t even hug you without scaring you. So cautiously, he reached out his hand and placed it on your shoulder, figuring it was better than nothing.

“Then why won’t you just leave?” Your tone was still upset, but Bakugou took comfort in how you didn’t shrug off his touch.

“Just because I don’t care that told me to leave doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. ” You looked at him disbelievingly, and it nearly wrenched Bakugou’s heart out of his chest. He couldn’t stand the thought that you believed that you were just another boring extra to him. You were so precious to him, even if you didn’t know it yet. Every moment he was near you, you made him so simultaneously invincible and fragile. Like he could win a fight against All Might but would crumble if you looked at him the right way. The sensation made him felt like he was being driven insane.  He hated it and he loved it and he needed it. That was why he eavesdropped on all of your conversations, followed you around, vowed to protect you whether you wanted him to or not. Speaking of which…

“So why are you crying?” he asked, making sure he caught your gaze so you could see just how serious he was. You hesitated to share what had happened, but upon seeing Bakugou’s expression, you knew that he wasn’t about to let this go.

“It-it’s stupid, but this guy from General Studies has kinda been bullying me. And I know that I should just ignore it-I try to-but I can’t.” Once you finally confessed what was going on, your tears returned and began to slip down your cheeks. Bakugou noticed them, and they only added to the rage building inside of him. There was a distant roaring in his ears, and it felt as though there was nitroglycerin mixed in his blood, making him ready explode at any moment. But instead of erupting right there, he forced himself to take a few deep breaths. You weren’t the one who needed his anger, not directed at you anyway. Steeling himself, he finally acted on his urge to hold you and wrapped you tightly in his arms. You paused at the rather sudden gesture, but soon returned the hug, causing Bakugou to smile despite everything.

“It’s not stupid, and you shouldn’t have to ignore it. You’re an amazing person, and if this guy’s bullying you, he’s probably just jealous ‘cause he knows he can never measure up.” You gave Bakugou a small smile, genuinely comforted by his words. “Who is this guy anyway?” Mumbling his name, Bakugou nodded seriously, a plan already forming in his mind. So once you had calmed down a bit and Bakugou walked you back to your dorm, he didn’t waste anytime putting his plan into action. After quickly tracking down your bully, who was walking through the grounds alone, it was just a matter to grabbing the guy’s arm and pulling him to a more hidden spot of campus.

“Bakugou? What the hell man, what do you want?” Bakugou scoffed at the asshole’s attitude and promptly punched him right in the face. The force of the hit threw Bakugou’s target to the ground, where Bakugou took the opportunity to kick him a few times, until he was satisfied with how many times his foot connected with ribs. Then, Bakugou crouched down to meet your bully’s eyes, which he was pleased to note shone with fear.

“Listen up, shithead,” he growled. “That was for (Y/N). If you ever even look at them again, your guts will be splattered all over the walls of UA. Got it?” To punctuate his threat, Bakugou brought his hand up to close to the guy’s face, letting off a few small explosions. Said shithead nodded desperately in agreement, and Bakugou left him with one last punch to the jaw, just to make sure he really got the message.

Standing up, Bakugou smiled to himself. He had protected you, just like he had promised that he would. And now that that asshole knew who you belonged to, hopefully everyone else would know soon.

[japanesetranslated]

I’m in Tokyo now! Decided to travel to Shibuya and explore, the first thing I see is PSAs all over “ Shibuya Pride Shibuya Halloween” pretty much begging Shibuya please pretty please don’t make us look bad again. 

I mean they goddamned banned public drinking completely throughout the usual party area of Shibuya during Halloween from October 25th to November 1.

As an American, I’m guilty of being biased by putting Japanese on a pedestal of politeness and mindfulness, and now I'm made to anticipate seeing all that thrown out of the window???

I love Halloween very dearly as a kind of holiday representing world peace, large crowds of people all happy loving life and not taking it so seriously. It’s just a precious holiday. The people who ruin just a fun holiday for others are trashy.

NO迷惑行為

no actions that cause trouble to others

So please make sure not to do any of the following. Learn some cultural background info for the rules too.

And have a happy Halloween everyone!

ポイ捨て

ポイすて

littering just as things like beer bottles, cigarette butts, empty cans and other trash etc, carelessly littering

Comes from:

ポイと (adverb) meaning carelessly, nonchalantly

捨てる (ru verb) meaning to throw away, to dump

Example:

車の窓から空きびんをポイと捨てた。

くるまのまどからあきびんをポイとすてた。

Threw an empty bottle carelessly from the window of the car.

You’ll notice signs saying ポイ捨て禁止  (ポイすてきんし), Littering prohibited.

If you ever been to Tokyo, you’ll notice how clean it is, compared to say freakin New York City. The urge-to-litter resisting plays a big role. Not-littering is a big part of Japan’s rule-following, ordered society. Most will take their garbage home to dispose of.

At previous Shibuya Halloweens, party animals left the area garbaged. ( There was even a freakin car toppled!) Volunteers helped clean the mess up the morning after previously. Soon the streets were clean, business as usual.

路上飲酒　

ろじょういんしゅ

Public drinking

路上喫煙　

ろじょうきつえん

Public smoking

路上 (ろじょう) -on the road, in the street

The kanjis are literally 路 (road) and 上 (above)

飲酒 (いんしゅ) drink alcohol

喫煙 (きつえん) to smoke, smoking

喫: kanji meaning- consume, eat, drink, smoke 

煙: kanji meaning- smoke (noun), fumes

Although the government banned public drinking in a section of Shibuya for a couple days, Japan has no law forbidding public drinking. Public drinking is a common custom in cities and parks, particularly during local festivals ( matsuri) and cheery blossom viewing ( hanami) in spring. It is generally frowned upon to drink or eat ( 食べ歩き）in public outdoor spaces or when walking through public. It’s more accepted to drink by vending machines. There are also exceptions for eating like park benches, or by stalls at shrines during festivals etc.

Please look at signs on the streets for where you are allowed to smoke. Look for designated smoking areas at convenience stores, in public, parks, train stations, hospitals, department stores, malls, etc.

器物破損　

きぶつはそん

Property damage 

器物 きぶつ  law term for personal property

破損 はそん  damage

Pretty self-explanatory. Please don’t break other people’s shit.

ナンパ行為 

ナンパこうい

Unwanted harassment of persistent calling out to someone and inviting the person to hang with them. 

行為 (こうい) - act, deed, conduct

ナンパ  seducer

I’ll explain the 由来 of ナンパ.  The kanji for it is 軟派. 

 軟 - soft

派 - faction, group, clique

軟派 means people who aren’t strong. They’re soft. It was used to refer to weak men who hit on women. Strong men 硬派 (こうは) are men who don’t call out to women. They are a man’s man. In the 1980s the word was changed to katakana ナンパ.

ナンパする hit on women, pick up women

There are young Japanese, people who try their luck on picking up girls in the streets of Tokyo at night. You might spot a few at night, standing in the streets calling to girls.

奇声などの大声

きせいなどのおおごえ

Weird, loud screams, etc

奇声( きせい)- strange voice

奇: kanji meaning- strange, strangeness, curiosity

大声 おおごえ- a loud voice

Please, no weird noises or loud screams. God no.

喧嘩や揉め事

喧嘩（けんか）fight

揉め事（もめごと)-  dispute

fights or disputes

揉め事 is a softer word for a fight. It sounds like a small dispute. With 喧嘩 sometimes violence is in the mix. You fight with your friends or little kids fight with each other. You have a dispute with a co-worker.

痴漢行為

ちかんこうい

groping

痴- foolishness, fool

Although 漢 means Sino, China, when the word was originated the kanji meant “man”. 痴漢 originally meant まぬけな男 “stupid man”. ( Which I totally agree with the use of a derogatory connotation. Those people are the filth of the earth. ) It’s used to mean a man who sexually harasses women. Nowadays, it’s used this way, but this meaning of the word can’t be found in dictionaries of the Meiji Period and the Taishou Period.

There has been a horrible trend of chikans happening on Japan’s trains. One of the solutions done was a women-only train carriage, the signs indicate which day and hours they are reserved for women.

改造車 

かいぞうしゃ　

Custom Cars

改造バイク

Custom Bikes

改造（かいぞう）- remodeling, restructuring

Those god damn LoUD annoying flashy, custom cars/bikes. Assholes drive making so much goddamn noise.

万引き 

まんびき

shoplifting 

万引きは商品を間引いて盗むこと。

間引く (まびく）- to thin out, to cull

盗む (ぬすむ) - to steal 

間引き was created by adding the ん sound. The 万 in “万引き” is 当て字 ( あてじ）, kanji used as a phonetic symbol instead for their meaning. 

盗難 

とうなん

robbery, theft

落書き

 らくがき 

Grafitti, scrawl, scribble　

落書き is a 和製漢語  (わせいかんご）, a Japanese word constructed from Sino-Japanese elements. 落書 from the Chinese language means Grafitti or scribblings. The on reading for 落 is read, and the kun reading for 書 is read, therefore らくがき。

[agreateryesterday]

Reylo - ABO fics

House of The Rising Sun by amybeegood

(Last updated April 17, 2020) 28 chapters

A canon-esque, Omegaverse, Reylo/Hades and Persephone version of the War of The Roses. But in space.

Reyne by itsjustsilver

(Last Updated March 29, 2020) 3 Chapters

The Princess Rey does not want to attract the Emperor’s interest.

Alternative Methods (of Pain Relief) by Camucia

(Last updated March 26, 2020) 10 chapters

Rey has never exactly had the most normal of reproductive health, and Jakku left her with the pain tolerance of a rancor. But even by her standards, the increasingly awful cramps that have plagued her these last few months are getting a bit... unmanageable. She’s perfectly content to do as she has always done for her entire life, gritting her teeth and soldiering through the pain - Too bad this is apparently Not An Option when these sensations are shared with a certain Supreme Leader.

Only his Queen by Lanie_cakes

(Last updated March 26, 2020) 16 chapters

Rey world is turned upside down when she turns 27 when her suppressed shapeshifter gene is unlocked when she goes into Heat. She is shipped off to a place called the First Order to relearn about her origins and has a hard time adjusting in this new world she dubbed as the Fuzzy Kingdom of Nudity. A year into waiting for her alpha Mate to come to her and unlock her inner animal from its cage. She is shocked to find that she not going to mated to just any regular Alpha...But the King of the Wild People Himself.

Naboo by Sweetaro

(Last updated Dec 29, 2019) 4 chapters

Naboo was supposed to be a paradise. A way for Rey to get away from society while she waits for Poe. Getting the invite to go to Naboo, a closed society where Alphas and Omegas get along. Where everything looks perfect. Too perfect. And is it just Rey or do all of the Omegas act weird? They all cling to Alpha males, and talk only about pups and homemaking, how great their alpha husbands are, and just how much Naboo is perfect. Nothing seems right, and Rey is starting to get uncomfortable with how the town keeps asking her when she and the reclusive Ben Solo are going to get married and be the same. And the fact that he sounds so assured when agreeing with them. Something is going on, but is Rey going to get out in time before she has some of the Kool-Aid?

The Late Bloomer by JJJJ12

(Last updated Feb 17, 2020) 10 chapters

Rey and Ben have been friends since they could walk and have avoided any tension in their relationship for a simple reason—Ben is an Alpha and Rey is a Beta. But, when Rey unexpectedly presents as an Omega almost a decade after she’s supposed to, the best friends must figure out how to ignore the attraction that’s always been there for the sake of preserving their friendship.

Ambrosial by devdevlin

(Last updated Feb 13, 2020) 6 chapters

Somewhere in the Calvary, there's an Alpha who smells like heaven.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief by KiraStar

(Last updated Nov 18, 2019) 4 chapters

"My father bought you for 20 pounds and a plot of land not fit enough for a cow to graze upon." At 17, Rey is forced into an arranged marriage with Kylo Ren, the adopted son of a wealthy lord, in order to produce an heir. Lady Macbeth AU

Heat In Your Gaze by Chibirini1

(Last updated Nov 17, 2019) 19 chapters

When Rey, a feisty omega, wanders too far into the forest and starts her first heat, she is found by none other than Kylo Ren, an alpha with a secret. Will he be able to break against his clan's expectations to be with Rey? Or will she return to her lonely life once more?

Explosive Chemistry by MizuPhoenix

(Last updated Sep 28, 2019) 10 chapters

As far as Rey's concerned, her boss can blow an aneurysm. Kylo Ren, more like the big bad wolf, with all his huffing and puffing. Nevermind that he's drop-dead gorgeous, he was an Alpha. Rey had dealt with enough Alpha's to know that her adoptive brother was the only one she would tolerate. At least she was lucky enough to not be born an Omega. No, Rey would not be bending over for her boss or any other posturing Alpha male. Except... that little voice in the back of her head keeps growing louder, and her body has started to ache whenever the overwhelming (insufferable) man is not around. Then there are the urges, probably just sexual frustration, but they are all clamoring for her asshole boss' attention. Rey just wanted a nice normal life. With Kylo Ren in the mix that dream has shattered. Needless to say, their interactions have the chemical reagents necessary for explosive reactions.

Gravitation by CaraRose

(Last updated Jan 31, 2019) 7 chapters

Modern A/B/O. Rey Johnson is an eighteen year old Omega who's asshole "stepfather" Plutt is pocketing her grant money meant to help her pay for college. The archaic laws that say an Omega isn't of legal age until they're twenty one is leaving her stuck with little recourse as how to get away from Plutt so she can get her education. Kylo Ren is an alpha, and one of the top enforcers in the First Order, a crime syndicate run by the shadowy "Supreme Leader" Snoke. The two live lives that are worlds apart, but events are in motion that will send them on a collision course neither of them is ready for.

Dark Woods and Daffodils by Austere_Ahhhnie

(Last updated Nov 28, 2018) 3 chapters

Across the bloodied battlefield, a young Omega on the cusp of womanhood catches the eye of an enemy Alpha on the ascent of his power.

Winter's Cage by Nelsbels

(Last updated April 16, 2018) 5 chapters

The reason why the historians called it the era of the Dark Ages is because the scholars had limited knowledge about this period of time due to the scarce records left behind. It was an Age of the rising Leviathans, a race of ancient and primordial monsters that walked this earth unchallenged. During the Dark Ages the Lycans fought a vicious war for their freedom from their masters and enslaves, the Nosferatu. For many generations the bloody conflict ravaged the lands with no end in sight. An elusive Lycan by the alias of the White Ghost stands defiant against the Nosferatu. Kylo Ren will stop at nothing to end the uprising and put down the said Werewolf. However, things change once they finally come face to face and consequently the scales of the war start to tip.

Misbehaving For Days by t0bemadeofglass

*Finished* 18 chapters

Rey’s experience with Demi-Humans is about as limited as her experience with snow, that is to say: horrendously minimal, given that she’s just moved to Coruscant with no intention of returning to the hell hole of a desert she scraped herself from. Easing herself into the lifestream of a city that demands assimilation to the rigors and confines of a bustling metropolitan was never going to be easy, but throw in a one-night stand with a tall, brick house of a man that doesn’t seem keen on leaving it at one night, and any hopes Rey had for an easy transition got blown to high heaven.

Knot an Omega by SkywalkerSince1980

(Last updated May 22, 2020) 4 chapters

How would A/B/O society have developed over the past 15,000 years, and what would it be like in modern-times? How would Rey, Kylo, and the crew handle it? What is the A/B/O backstory, and how did it develop into modern times? Plenty of (semi-fictional) ancient history mixed in with the story, and plenty of smut down the line. Rose is a badass. Rey has a bad decade. HEA, but not the way you think.

Labyrinth - a Reylo Book Of Sins Re Write by RayofDawn

*Finished* 5 chapters

A retelling of a childhood favorite but with a sinful reylo twist

Knots in the Heart by Anonymous

(Last updated July 2, 2018) 2 chapters

Kylo’s determines to keep his prisoner.

Catacombs by monsterleadmehome

*Finished* One Shot

Kylo Ren is the oldest living alpha vampire. He has been chasing his omega, Rey, for centuries. Ever since the night he turned her, he’s wanted her for his own. Will she finally let herself be claimed or doom herself to a worse fate?

No One But You by faequeentitania

*Finished* 5 chapters

When he scented her on the wind, his entire world ground to a halt. It was primal, it pulled at something in his guts like a hook, and everything- the droid, the map, Skywalker- all became secondary to her. Her. The girl. His mate.

The Mating Service by AlbaStarGazer

*Finished* 36 chapters

'If Rey had known how quickly she would find her biological mate and alpha through the world wide mating service, 'Match,' she might have considered signing up years ago.' A sceptic of the leading mate finding service, Rey decides to sign up after too much wine and years of loneliness. She never expected to find her match within days of submitting her samples. Join the two as they are separated by an ocean, Rey in England, Ben in America as they explore their situation. Can Ben convince Rey that he wants his omega for her and not simply their biology and change her mind about the reliability of the mating service?

Vanilla Jasmine Dreams by Trulyurs

(Last updated May 30, 2018) 4 chapters

Rey is a young research assistent hoping to learn from the best, so when she is hired by Luke Skywalker she is hopeful. What she didn't exspect was Ben Solo. An alpha that seems to shutter at the sight of her. He is loud and harsh, one of the harder alphas she has incountered, and she is horribly attracted to him. What Rey doesn't know is that Dr.Solo is hidding a secret.

Until you by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo)

*Finished* One Shot

Kylo looks at her, and he smells her, and he thinks, Fuck. He thinks, Yes. He thinks, I didn’t know. I couldn’t have known. And he says: ”You should watch your right side.”

Finding Home by JaneEyre1847

*Finished* One Shot

Can therapist Ahsoka Tano and a lot of resentful pondering prepare Ben for the terrible secret Rey is ready to reveal?

Dark Nights by Polkadotdotdot

*Finished* 27 chapters

"Cause I need a man, a man who has blood on his hands and the truth on his face," Rey is broke.Trying out for a second job to solve her mounting debts, Rey has a chance encounter with an Alpha by the name of Kylo Ren who makes her an offer she just doesn't want to refuse. Little did she know how her choice would pull her into the underworld of New York crime.

Hotter than Hell by slxtforbangtanboys

(Last updated May 3, 2018) 1 chapter

They went by many names. The Light, and The Dark. Rey and Kylo - But on days that he's feeling generous, Rey and Ben. The Jedi and the Jedi Killer, fated to be.

Heartstring by Oh_Snapcrackle

(Last updated Sep 9, 2018) 13 chapters

“Did you just smell me?” The girl accuses, craning her neck to meet his stare. Her eyes are wide with shock and weariness. Hazel eyes. Warm eyes that look like they have lived a thousand lives. Breathed a thousand deaths. Soulful eyes. His cheeks color, and he realizes he is blushing. And he never blushes. Not since he was a little boy. But he is blushing now from embarrassment and the fact he did just get caught trying to catch her scent. “No, sorry. I was just sniffling. Got a cold.” Every demon is connected to an angel by a heartstring. Ben just found his. In this world where angels and demons live among humans, balance is kept through the mysterious mating bonds between creatures of light and dark. Where there is darkness, the light will rise to meet it. Or so it used to be. Angels are too rare these days. And even if a demon finds their mate, keeping them safe is impossible.

Court You, I Shall. by LadyErica

(Last updated Dec 10, 2018) 3 chapters

A fair maiden Omega from Jakku is doing her mistress's errands when she meets the Alpha Lord from Cornelia while he is on a hunting trip. Their eyes meet and though the maiden refuse because of her background and upbringing. The Lord refuses to give up. His mother always howls him for not finding a mate and settle down with pups already, but in this Omega he just met. He believes he has found his mate that will birth his heirs. He will do anything even court her if he must.

That's Enough! by SithLord98

(Last updated Aug 27, 2018) 4 chapters

After a deadly virus caused by the overuse of suppressants that nearly wiped out omegas in 2449, federal laws were put into place to preserve and protect them. These laws are highly oppressive in nature for them, requiring omegas to register if they have not been claimed by 18. Rey Marek and Tatum Rax are two betas and former foster sisters trying to heal after living a rather traumatic childhood. Rey accepts a mathematics teaching position at Resistance Academy, one of the last omega secondary schools in the U.S., located within the D.C. Metro area next to First Order Academy – an exclusive alpha secondary school founded and financed by the Skywalker and Palpatine families. Tatum is the school librarian, which makes the situation even more convenient for her. Kylo Ren and his friend Armitage Hux have been asked to oversee in the merging of the two schools. After a prescription recall on suppressants, Rey and Tatum both realize that they are omegas that haven't presented, but opt to take the risk and not report this in hopes that the suppressants will kick back in again soon. Everything is fine until they meet Kylo and Armitage during a transition visit at Resistance Academy that everything goes to shit for them…

So yours, So mine by Anonymous

*Finished* One Shot

“Where is she?” He asks impatiently. Hux nods and walks quickly, but he hesitates for a moment when they take a different corridor from the prison cells, his question is quickly answered by Hux. “We had to separate several of them due to their condition.”“Condition?” His impatient voice distorts behind his mask. "Yes ... several of the omegas got heat during the trip, so they were separated from the others ..."

Clan by moonstone88

*Finished* 14 chapters

Wars between clans were normal, but what happens when that war is between two who love each other. Rey knew she shouldn't have bent to Kylo as her Alpha, but she had no idea what their fleating connection would do and the pieces she would be left to pick up. Can Kylo overcome the years of hatred he holds in his heart for a clan that forced him away from the love of his life, and is trying to snatch her from his grasp once more.

Second Heat by UmpBumpFizz

*Finished* 4 chapters

"Stay right there." She stilled instantly. Her eyes settled on his outstretched hand, her breathing shallow and rapid. "You're alright... You're alright. I've got you." She blinked as she felt the warmth of his hand as he gently caressed her face. His voice... God, his voice was like silk. Safe? "I've got you. You're safe." She drew in and let out a long, shuddering breath as the scent from the gland on his wrist hit her nose, calming her instantly. Safe.

Feral by Hormonal_Trashbag

*Finished* One Shot

Snow began its idle descent from above the line of barren trees, filtering to the frozen forest floor in fat flakes. Despite the turn of weather, Rey remained focused on the pair of long ears ducking behind the nearby brush. Her fingers trembled as she nocked an arrow in the string of her bow but she ignored the cold as she prepared to take her shot. If she was like any other omega, she would be sequestered in the warmth of her den right now, heavy with pups and waiting for her alpha to return from the hunt. But Rey hadn’t gone into heat with the shift from autumn to winter like she was supposed to. The alphas of her pack had turned their noses from her in disgust when her scent didn’t sharpen with mating pheromones. What’s wrong with her? They would ask themselves and Rey had no answer.

FRACTURE by succubusybody

*Finished* One Shot

Rey's older brother Ben has been head of the household ever since their parents died when she was young. When her first heat comes, he'll take good care of her.

Swell by Hormonal_Trashbag

(Lqst updated June 17, 2019) 4 chapters

She knew that some omegas ignored the archaic pull to be mated. There was some debate over how voluntary an omega’s participation in mating could be, though she knew many of those that argued against it were betas that had never experienced a heat to begin with. What could they possibly know? There was always a choice. Rey couldn’t help being practical about it. If she ignored her biological call, she would spend a long week throbbing, writhing with a need to be filled. She’d have to skip work for a few days at the very least. It was just...easier to give in.

Gonna Get Myself Connected

The Birds and The Bees by TourmalineGreen

*Finished* 9 chapters, One Shot

Who understands Alphas, anyway; they’re mysteries, wrapped in enigmas, dusted with hormones and deep-fried in a vat of unquenchable rage. And Ben, he’s a classic, textbook example. Rey doesn’t need his intensity in her life. Rey was quite happy to steer clear of him, as long as he wants to be like… well, like that. And he’d been like that ever since she hired on. Always testy around her, always scowling, stomping, difficult. But he produced excellent code, so… maybe management was sympathetic. Then again, maybe he just had someone’s incriminating photographs, and was holding them over their heads, who knew. OR: Ben Solo: Wunderkind developer, office Alpha, noted cantankerous asshole, gets stuck in an elevator with Rey Johnson: New hire, ray of literal sunshine, progressive Omega who seriously does not have time for this.

Ben will never ever be able to forget the first, squalling sight of his son. Black-haired—so much hair—and red-faced, yelling in a way that had made the midwives remark about ‘healthy Alpha lungs!’ Ben hadn’t exactly hoped to have an Alpha son, but he hadn’t not hoped, either. It was familiar to him, and his own experience, although he knew that his son would have his own life. Hopefully a less-anxious, less-awkward time of it than Ben had… but, judging by the expression on his son’s face, Ben knows that something is very definitely up.

Run Cried the Crawling by succubusybody

*Finished* 4 chapters

Rey is mated by force during a day trip to Amish country. When her heat comes around, she is charged with abandoning her mate and forced to return to the home of the man who ruined her life.

abash the little bird by SecretReyloTrash (BadOldWest)

*Finished* 5 chapters

Ben Solo has a pretty easy time of fighting his Alpha instincts with the right cocktail of suppressants and bad attitude. However, some old wive's tales about the moon or the position of the stars may have knocked this mating cycle way out of wack for a lot of Alphas and Omegas; making them desperate to attract a mate. He may have had an easy time fighting his instincts before, but his body has other plans. Especially when it starts sprouting some truly impressive plumage to attract the right Omega. At least it catches Rey's eye. AKA Kylo gets a freakin' TAIL.

Hallowed Heat by gopherbroke

(Last updated Nov 4, 2018) 3 chapters

As the steady babysitter, Rey is accompanying Mr. Solo and his son, Grey, to the city's big Halloween Fest. It is a little too late when she realizes that she had broken Mr. Solo's rigid contract and had forgotten her supressants. She flees, hiding in the portapotty as she starts to go into heat. While Mr. Solo paces, impatient and bossy, on the other side of the thin plastic door, Rey looks back on her relationship with her boss and how he has changed from hostile employer to friend... to Alpha? But would he ever be her Alpha? And how long will that flimsy door hold back Alpha like Mr. Solo from an Omega that smells as sweet as Rey?... Grey had always said how much his father had a sweet tooth.

The Ballad of You, Me, and Everything in Between

The House on Prairie Corners by bluetoast

*Finished* 3 chapters, 5 chapters

Alpha Ben Solo just wanted to get to his new job in Yellowstone National Park by the weekend. He'd had it planned out - get through the major cities outside of rush hours, be there and settled by Saturday. Pretty easy, considering most traffic was headed east, to Woodstock. That was before an omega named Rey Johnson tapped on the window of his Volkswagen bus in some spit in the dirt town in Ohio asking for a ride.

It's been 5 months since Rey and Ben met and became mates, and they have only grown closer since that time. As a mid December blizzard sweeps into Yellowstone, the weather is the last thing on either of the minds. As Rey's next heat and Ben's rut are about to align, they only have one plan while they're snowed in. Start a family.

Shivers by AlbaStarGazer

*Finished* 3 chapters

Alphas have been illegal for decades due to their thirst for power and destructive tendencies. They are housed in institutions, prisons and state hospitals and away from the general population that consists of omegas and betas. Writer and omega Rey comes across an unconscious man outside of her secluded cabin. She realises too late he is an alpha.

End of the Republic & Freedom by SithLord98

*Finished* 8 chapters

Unknownbeknognst to them, Rey, Tarren, Rose, and Paige were marked as soul mates to four men who have lived dangerous, powerful and privileged lives, but have been sad because they believed their soul mates were dead. The girls have been raised under the noses of the Plutt brothers this whole time, to avenge for Maz's death. On Rey's 18th birthday, the guys discover the truth and kidnap the girls. How will they manage to survive unscathed, as they are now confined with them in one of their manors in the middle of nowhere, while the men go into strong ruts, causing them to go into heat...

Camping by Anonymous

*Finished* 6 chapters

Rey’s sweet alpha boyfriend takes her camping to celebrate their one year anniversary. But Rey gets lost in the woods before they can celebrate. Another alpha finds her first and he will take what he wants. *Rey is technically of legal age of consent, but she’s still just a teenager, so I’m tagging it underage. Rey is 16 and Kylo is 26*

The End Of The Beginning by Fearthefaithful

*Finished* One Shot

As her scent infiltrated my senses I could focus on nothing else. I watched her as she floated by across the hall. She seemed to be too preoccupied with her friends to notice me but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. It had been months since I’d seen her and that was before she presented. Now she was fully an omega and I felt all the anger and frustration that had built over the past 10 years was coming to fruition. This time she was mine and I wasn’t letting anyone, not even my mother disuade me from that.

May The Guac Be With You by PiscesSiren

*Finished* 13 chapters

Rey has been doing fine on her own for years. Her job isn’t fulfilling but it keeps her fed. Her house isn't perfect but it keeps her safe. But after a few things start to change, she slowly starts to realize that she wants more out of her life and maybe even... herself. Also, what the hell is up with that hot customer who says she smells obscene? Rude.

Little Thieves by ohwise1ne

(Last updated March 15, 2019) 17 chapters

"If you come out now, Omega, I'll make this easy for you." His voice carries clearly through the house, and it's almost as sinful as the smell of him, suffocating her as she shrinks back against the wall of his closet. “Or maybe… you don’t want this to be easy.” A pause. “Yes. Oh, yes. I can smell it on you. You can’t hide from me.” Rey breaks into the wrong house. Kylo Ren catches her in the act.

not because you need me to by starkylosolo

*Finished* 2 chapters

Rey just got hired at her dream job, cardiology, when she meets Ben who needs a favor from her. It's just that she didn't expect Ben from nephrology to be so... big, and so alpha. She certainly didn't expect him to smell so nice. Maybe she can ignore the way he affects her, but then he opens his mouth.

Stay the Course by aduirne

(Last updated March 4, 2019) 10 chapters

Rey is in her second year at university on a full scholarship as a forensic science major. She plans on working for the FBI one day. She had no plans of letting anyting or anyone gettig her off track. She has no time for alpha/omega drama. Her job at the campus library suits her well since it gives her lots of time to be alone in the old, ornate building she had grown to love. Everything is going rather well for her until one night when she scents someone that makes her pause. She does the only logical thing. She runs like hell.

I Seek My Freedom in the Moonlight by asongforjonsa

(Last updated March 2, 2019) 26 chapters

Rey moves to Chandrila with her step-mom and step-sister. Neither of them know the real reason why she goes for runs on full moons: she's a werewolf. On the first full moon in Chandrila, she runs into a huge black wolf: Kylo Ren. And he has news that will rock her foundation...

A Poetic Match by commandercrouton

*Finished* 2 chapters

It didn’t matter who was here at the moment. The only thing Rey could focus on was that scent. Her wide hazel eyes circled the room as she tried to see the one who was emitting those delectable pheromones. How was no one else in this room reacting? The smell was making her crazy, and she dug her nails into her skin. She would know this scent anywhere. She found him frozen by the podium, staring at her with the same look she knew she was giving him. She felt her thighs clench in anticipation as memories of their last, and only, time together filled her brain. “Rey, is everything okay? Your scent...shifted,” Poe inquired tentatively. “What?” she asked, not willing to take her eyes off the man in front of the room. “Why is Professor Solo staring at you like you killed his pet cat?” At this statement, Rey looked at Poe, realization dawning on her. No, not this, anything but this. This wasn’t a professor. He was something entirely different to her. Alpha.

Your Pretty Little Heart

A Perfectly Good Heart

And corgi makes five by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo)

*Finished* 15 chapters, 3 chapters, One Shot

“Good. Good little Omega.” He says the words against her gland, almost sweetly, and Rey—Rey is going to die. A wonderful, delicious death. Depraved, all of this. Filthy. Beautiful.

It’s physically painful, to be near her. And not to be, too. (Your Pretty Little Heart in Ben's POV)

It’s not about the dog, not really. It’s the name on the plate. Rey gasps. Ben almost recoils. Because there is no way that someone thought it would be a good idea to name a dog—“… Leia Corgana?” Rey’s fingers press against her lips. She is smiling. Then grinning. Then trying not to laugh. Then inevitably failing.

Algorithms by greyorchids

(Last updated Jan 27, 2020) 12 chapters

I run out to the lobby, grabbing my tablet and try to remain cool in the face of Satan in a Suit. “Mr. Ren, how can I help you?” He’s taller and more broad than pictures can translate. His black on black suit seems menacing, not a coincidence, I am sure. He seems a bit taken aback, something I am used to in this male-dominated profession. When most of the employees here come for help with their computers or experience network issues, they don’t expect me to know how to solve their problems. Challenging stereotypes one satisfied customer at a time. He breathes in deep and pauses before he speaks. I think I see the flash of recognition in his eyes but I keep my body still and my face impassive. Yeah, I am an omega, Ren. Get over it. Rey works in the IT Department for a tech company that is recovering from a recent hostile takeover. Ever at odds with the universe, Rey continues to live against the grain by excelling in a male driven industry and by redefining what it means to be omega.

Call You Mine by lovingreylo (PeaceBlessingsPeyton)

(Last updated July 25, 2019) 2 chapters

"The first day he saw her was like an out of body experience. He always felt completely silly when he thought back on it, how he had literally felt time slow or how the world that day seemed to have an extra sparkle to it. Ben sighed again before getting out of the car and heading up the walkway to his parent's house thinking about the day Rey Johnson had come into his life three months ago. How the alpha in him was immediately alarmed at how pale and malnourished she looked, how he just wanted to take care of her, how her smile and the way she laughed at his stupid jokes made his heart want to break out of his chest and offer itself to her." Even though he’s never been in love before, Ben Solo could easily tell you that he’s falling in love with Rey, the girl his parents had taken in off the street. There’s one small problem though, his father tells him that he isn’t good enough for her and to stay away. It works… for a short while anyway.

beyond the fields of wrongdoing and rightdoing (i'll meet you there) by black_facade

(Last updated Sep 23, 2019) 5 chapters

Rey has been a scavenger throughout her life in Jakku. When a dark figure suddenly came into her life, insisting that she was his mate, what could've gone wrong? Especially when it turns out that he was an Emperor and a Prime Alpha. "Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full." ***An Arabian Steampunk AU. With a dash of Omegaverse.

slake. by MalevolentReverie

*Finished* 8 chapters

It's normal for an opposite-designation parent to help their teenager through heat or rut, so why is it so hard for Rey and her widowed father, Ben?

The Hunt by commandercrouton

*Finished* 2 chapters

“Mortals tell the legend of Romulus and Remus, known as demigods who helped create the country of Rome. They were not demigods, but warlocks born to a powerful witch. She was hunted down and destroyed, but not before she begged for protection for her children. Her familiar, Lupa, transformed into a wolf granting her wish. She fed her witch’s children from her breast, creating the first Alpha and Omega in our world. All of us are descendants from those warlocks. Although magic has dwindled in our bloodlines, there are some who still possess it. And those people are us. I invite my omega brothers and sisters, on this rare Blood Moon, to celebrate our designation, and the familiar Lupa, who created us,” she pauses, raising her goblet above her head, signaling for her coven to follow her lead. “Tonight we will mingle with our neighboring Alpha coven. You will meet one another and choose your hunted during The Matching. Remember to save your carnal desires for the forest. To Lupercalia, the festival of the wolves!”

Territory by EdenMiasma

(Last updated June 16, 2019) 1 chapter

Growing up under Ben Solos wing was safe, comfortable, like nothing could ever hurt them. But Rey has to learn her place amongst her peers, and when everyone begins to present things just seem to get harder.

Honeysuckle by LBellicose

*Finished* 18 chapters

For 33 years Dr. Ben Solo has lived as a beta, he was the unlikely child of two Alphas. His life got turned inside out and upside down the day he met Rey, young omega that had been struck by a car and was bleeding out in his emergency room.

You'll Hear Me Howling (Outside Your Door) by HarpiaHarpyja

*Finished* 11 chapters

Father Ben Solo has been a priest at St. Ailbe's parish for the last year. It's a position that provides the structure and control he lacked in his youth, and maybe best of all, a way to wrangle his more unsavory urges as an Alpha. Rey Stafford has just moved to Ontario, hoping to advance at work and adjust to a new life across the Atlantic as an Omega living alone. When an unusual encounter in the confessional leaves them spiraling into a constant routine of advance and retreat, they both begin to struggle against their own baser urges and the ticking time bomb of years of repression.

Some Kind of Trouble by HopelesslyReylo

(Last updated July 16, 2019) 3 chapters

Going into heat, in the middle of the grocery store wasn’t Reys idea of a good time. Things get even more complicated when Ben offers to see her through her heat.

Mating Systems, Reproductive Success, and Sexual Selection in Secretive Species: A Case Study of the Wild Ahch-To Omega by NewerConstellations

(Last updated Feb 22, 2020) 21 chapters

For generations, Omegas have adapted to civilized environments, permanently impacting the expression of their DNA and pheromones. When a group of lost fisherman discovered an isolated population of feral Omegas on the remote island of Ahch-To, it offered a unique and precious opportunity to document their behavior in the wild. Research biologist Dr. Benjamin Solo spent a year living amongst the herd of Ahch-To Omegas and recorded his experiences, particularly his interactions with the Omega subject known as “Rey.” These are his findings.

Let’s See How Far We’ve Come by Fearthefaithful

(Last updated July 5, 2019) 12 chapters

Ben Solo was always angry. Chalk it up to his over active alpha tendencies, or his shitty childhood, but he was always angry. And when Rey walked into his life, it was like gasoline to a fire. She was an annoying little omega who always put him in his place. But now it’s been years, and he’s a raging alpha, and she’s the best thing he’s ever smelt in his life. And all the years of trying to protect her like a sister seem a little different now.

Forbidden Love by LadyErica

(Last updated Sep 20, 2019) 12 chapters

A/O/B modern world Alternate Universe Ben and Rey are siblings. Ben is an Alpha and Rey Omega. Ben has a desire. A wrong desire. After his sister had her first heat at fourteen when she gets her first period. Ben couldn't stop thinking about her. Desire turns to lust. Lust to love. It's forbidden. He was caught with her in away siblings shouldn't be. He is sent to asylum for others like him for his own good.

Lasso by ReyloRobyn2011

*Finished* 11 chapters

Western ABO because who doesn't love some Outlaw Alpha Kylo Ren?

We only live once by P_Dunton

*Finished* 16 chapters

Betrayed by her best friend and boyfriend, Omega Rey finds herself friendless and homeless for the first time in years. Thank god for her amazing boss, Maz who lets her crash above the auto repair shop where she works. Sad and lonely, Rey lets herself be talked into paying the First Order to locate a compatible Alpha Mate for her. As if her year didn’t already suck, of course she would match with the famous Kylo Ren, second in command of the most powerful suppressant production company in the country.

More Than This by LadySansasDirewolf

(Last updated July 1, 2019) 7 chapters

"Ben Solo?""Yes?"The woman slapped the documents into my hand so hard it stung. "Consider yourself served!"...In which Ben and Rey are soulmates who cannot seem to get on the same page.

Oathbreaker by Angelic_Hellraiser

(Last updated Sep 14, 2019) 7 chapters

"Claim me." she whispers, her words hard and final. He shakes his head, angered. "And kill us both? No." Stepping closer, she repeats the words in the high speech of her elvish tongue, voice low and chest brushing against his heavy cuirass. "Garo im, hîr o hûn-nín."

Expect the Unexpected by Arynn

(Last updated Jan 19, 2020) 2 chapters

Rey Ando is working for a legal company that fights for fair treatment and equality within the Alpha/Omega and Beta circles. However, little does anyone else know that she wants to be treated as an Omega submissive like the old days. Things change when she finally meets the mysterious owner of the company she works for, Ben Solo.

Quatervois by Poaxath

(Last updated Sep 12, 2019) 2 chapters

The north and the south have been at war for decades, a never-ending struggle between two sides that will never see eye to eye. In an attempt to negotiate and bring peace to a land ravaged by war, Rey departs on a quest to see if she can somehow help in that endeavour. It may be more than she bargained for, in the form of a marriage to The Dragon King - Kylo Ren.

Seasons of Love by Daisyflo

*Finished* One Shot

After his grandmother's death, Ben discovers he inherited her house. First problem: he isn't the only one. Second problem: his new housemate is an Omega.

No place like home. by HisAngel910

*Finished* 14 chapters

Rey Sanders has worked her entire life to fight against the stereotypes of traditional Omega's. Her design and renovation company helps to build the dream homes of all of her clients. Can she help her newest client Kylo Ren build his dream home? And can she do it before his Alpha drives her wild?

the dreadful need in the devotee by redbelles

*Finished* One Shot

God’s bones, what is happening? He’s smelled heat-scent before, but it’s never affected him like this. Never made him want to rip his armor off so he can feel the omega’s skin against his, never filled him with the visceral need to bite— The thought is like ice water pouring down his spine; it cuts through the haze of heat-scent like a knife, leaving a brutal clarity in its wake. The only omega on this godforsaken journey is the princess. En route to her betrothed and surrounded by a cadre of the realm’s fiercest alphas, the emperor’s granddaughter is going into heat.

Refuse Me by Autonomee

(Last updated Sep 4, 2019) 4 chapters

It’s the most contact she’s received in years, since her Grandpa was still alive. This Alpha’s touch is electric, completely unfamiliar but just what she needs. Her eyes automatically find his, they are molten brown, and everything in her wants to examine those eyes forever and- What am I doing? some sensible part of her screams at herself. Whatever he bids, another part answers. Rey’s plan to live her life to the fullest as an Alpha falls apart when a classmate discovers her secret.

Unbonded, Unbroken by Spiegatrix_Lestrange

(Last updated Nov 26, 2019) 6 chapters

Alderaan city is facing a new, disturbing threat. A powerful crime cartel is kidnapping Omegas, keeping them as prisoners for unspeakable, revolting reasons the local police need to investigate further. Detective Ben Solo goes undercover as Kylo Ren, determined to dismantle the cartel from the inside, but there's a requirement he must fit if he wants to gain the cartel's trust: he must bring an Omega as an offer to the organization. Rey Niima is a young, promising agent who knows exactly how hard an Omega's life can be. When the opportunity occurs to give her contribution to saving her fellow Omegas from the cartel's grasp, she volunteers immediately, determined to help Detective Solo with any means necessary.

Mine by assortedfruitsnacks212

(Last updated Sep 3, 2019) 3 chapters

The duel between Kylo and Finn in the snow, reframed as a fight over Omega Rey. It’s sexy. The end. Then Kylo whisks Rey away from Starkiller Base. Cue SMUTTY SMUT SMUT with MINIMAL PLOT. Marked "dubcon" because TFA Kylo isn't a gentleman...yet.

A good brother by Anonymous

*Finished* One Shot

Ben is home alone with Rey, taking care of his little sister as the good brother he is. Everything goes as usual on a Saturday night, oh at least that is what Ben thinks, until Rey is going into preheat…

Blow your smoke to fog up the mirror (write our name in hearts) by reygrets

(Last updated Sep 3, 2019) 9 chapters

Of course, this lecture is on the opposite side of the spacious campus, and she’s practically running from the titillating two-hour long Thermodynamics class. It was an introductory session, mostly that ‘get to know you’ crap and going over the syllabus, but the content she saw listed was a high that would carry her through anything--- even classic lit with Professor Solo. Or so Rey had thought, trying to slip into the lecture-hall without drawing too much attention. Unfortunately for Rey, the doors are heavy, old, and they slam even when you try to shut them gently. The man standing at the head of the class stares her down, and oh no. Rey's hot teacher (who probably already hates her) is an Alpha.

A Tale of Tooth and Claw

A Tale of Monsters and Legends by Khawapashi

*Finished* (Last updated Nov 24, 2019) 32 chapters, 30 chapters

Rey experiences her first heat in the middle of a crowded convention and is rescued by a dashing, dark-haired stranger. Kylo takes things too fast, because he's an intense, emotional idiot. The Knights of Ren are fun, especially Kylo's most loyal 'Knight'. Hux is the devil as always. The Skywalker-Organa-Solo family drama is... complicated.

“What the fuck, Argent, Rey is in heat -" The phone slid suddenly from his boneless grip, and Rey gathered herself up on her knees, fingers quickly working open the leather fastenings keeping her gagged. Kylo fell to his knees and she was there, wrapping herself around him from behind, murmuring nonsense words to calm him. “He’s back," he whispered. “Luke Skywalker."

Post: Part 1