#actually i just remembered i came up with her around christmas 2021

[claire-starsword]

so awkward to have named a healer OC Chrys before starting my shining force era. now every time i’m talking about either character i’m very very paranoid of typing the wrong spelling lmao

[justmochi]

WORD COUNT :: 1.6k

SYNOPSIS :: mira's childhood and how she came to debut in dreamcatcher

❗️WARNINGS❗️ :: mentions of cheating, child/domestic abuse, religion, smoking. if sensitive subjects such as these are off limits to you, feel free not to read. take care of yourself first ♡

A/N :: My mother helped me to write this, since it is heavily based on how she grew up. So when religion is mentioned, please note that it is just how I perceived it from my mom over the years. I also use Mira's birthname to address her in this, along with her family. I also wrote this in 2021 and revisit it occasionally, sometimes I forget it exists. I'll list everyones names here in case it gets confusing bc it did for me im just a lil slow tho c':

Lei Xinyi = Mira Lei Jinjing = Mira's mother Lei Dawei = Mira's father

I also will not be using the taglist this post because of how heavy this one is.

Born to Lei Jinjing and Lei Dawei, the married couple welcomed their second child, a girl named Xinyi, into the world on June 21, 1996. It was anything but a perfect marriage. In her senior year of high school, 1992, Jinjing became pregnant with her first documented child, a boy, with Daewei being the assumed father. It is alleged that she never graduated high school, as there is no existing paperwork of a diploma. Freshly on her own into adult life, she quickly married with Dawei to feel a sense of security. He considered her his first love and heartbreak. As years went by, he tried everything in his power to salvage the marriage since his feelings were genuine. The union was full of deception, manipulation, and many affairs on Jinjing’s behalf. When Xinyi was 5 years old, her parents divorced and her mother was given sole custody. Dawei always fulfilled his duties as a father, his child support payments always on time, providing for both Xinyi and her brother. Their mother was not emotionally supportive or present during their childhood. She was not a genuinely religious person, but forced her children to join a Pentecostal church so she could get closer to one of the widowed members.

At the age of 10, Xinyi’s mother finally married another man who was extremely wealthy, something that Jinjing searched for her whole life. Xinyi is convinced to this day that it is truly not love, only her mother after his money. Her step-father had a major influence on their mother once married. He immediately started ordering her kids around, claiming they were not disciplined enough and was determined to fix it. As soon as Xinyi turned 11, Jinjing and her husband forced her to get a job at the local shoe store. They would not allow her to sit around at home, she was required to contribute to the family just as her brother and the adults did. Most nights, her mother and step-father left her and her brother alone at night to fend for themselves while they worked night shift or gambled. It was both of their responsibilities to wake up and send themselves to school. They were also given ungodly chores that were not fit for children of their size. Scrubbing every tiny crevice on the tile floors with a toothbrush, polishing the wooden floors, cleaning their parents' ashtrays everyday, dusting the perimeter of the house for cobwebs daily, and even using ammonia on the walls to get rid of the cigarette odors.

For as long as Xinyi could remember, their families never had normal holidays or birthdays. The only time where the children felt like actual children is when they were with their father. With Jinjing and her new husband, they were not allowed to have birthday parties. They would only get one gift from the both of them, and it was money being put into their trust fund that they could have when they were older. On each Christmas, the family opened many gifts, the children only being allowed to keep one. The following day, they would take all of their presents down to the orphanage for kids who were less fortunate.

Jinjing was always one to play mind games. She would stir the pot with Dawei whenever the children were with him. He picked up his kids as they got out of school, taking them out and treating them to a meal. Jinjing knowing fully well that they were with him, she would call the police, saying that Dawei had kidnapped the children. When coming back from dinner and dropping the kids off, the police would be waiting for him at her house. This became a routine, and taught their father to always keep receipts of everything that came down to Jinjing. He always had her sign papers, so at least he had written consent that he was allowed to take the children. This applied to child support payments too. Because he kept all of the receipts, the police caught on to her lies and would not waste their time coming out when she was obviously crazy and controlling.

When Xinyi turned 14, her mother took it upon herself to find her daughter a boyfriend within their Pentecostal church. She did not have any say in it, nor did she desire to have a boyfriend at that age. Jinjing made arrangements and the two families grew close. The girl didn’t expect to catch feelings for a relationship that was forced on them. What they didn’t know is that the Pentecostal boy would be Xinyi’s first boyfriend, dance, and kiss. After a year of dating, Xinyi fell ill to the point she could not attend school. She was never allowed to miss a day of school. She could be vomiting profusely or have her organs hanging out of her stomach, and her mother would still force her to go to school. She only missed three days, one being a trip to the doctors office. She quickly got back to school in no time, catching herself up and making sure her grades did not drop. The following Friday, Xinyi behaved well enough to attend her school’s football game, forgetting about her domestic life for even just a few hours. What she didn’t expect was her mother, marching to the bleachers with her husband stomping behind her. Jinjing humiliated her daughter in front of the whole school, striking her across the face, calling her names and screaming “Who have you been kissing!”. Xinyi’s test results showed she had Mononucleosis. She was forced to break up with the Pentecostal boy, who she became very close friends with during the arrangement. Her mother prevented them from seeing each other, avoiding engagement with his family and not letting Xinyi even look in his direction at church.

In late 2011, Dawei earned himself a promotion, his company seeing him as the only fit candidate to take the position. He would have to move to Wuhan, China to start. He knew this was his chance to finally get his kids away from Jinjing and the hell they were living with her and their stepfather. Once hearing about the job offer, Dawei got to work and contacted his lawyer. The legal battle got ugly as Xinyi was in the middle of it, her mother still having that controlling nature to her. Her brother was of age and immediately left the household once he turned 18. Dawei offered to let him come with him, which he respectfully declined, wanting to stay put as he went to college (majoring in the field Jinjing had forced upon him), and had a girlfriend he loved dearly. Ultimately, Dawei won his court case and was able to take Xinyi to live with him in Wuhan, with the exception of visiting her mother during the summer.

Her first year in Wuhan was difficult. She had difficulty making friends and staying caught up in her classes. When living with her father, he would lecture her for working too hard, since that was all she was taught to do. All she ever did was work hard, get straight A’s, honor roll, and even that was not enough to buy her mother’s love. She argued whenever he said she could miss school. She had occasional conversations with students during her first few months. She had been so focused on getting good grades, always driving people away with her crazy mother. She had one friend in Hong Kong who stayed with Xinyi even through her mother’s psycho antics. Jinjing would make her daughter, along with her friend, do the usual chores around the house, as if she had any authority over her friend. She joined the choir in school, where she eventually befriended Handong. She was her first genuine friend in Wuhan. They enjoyed each other’s company in class, always talking about how their day was going and what they were going to do after school. Xinyi was hesitant on inviting Handong over to her father’s house, being traumatized by how her mother reacted to her friends. He was happy that she was at least making friends, letting her know that she could come over whenever she wanted. The two remained best friends through high school, supporting each other through thick and thin.

One summer, Handong had convinced her parents to let her go to Hong Kong with Xinyi. It caused a fight between the two, Xinyi panicked as Handong had doubted how bad her mother actually was. She had always made comments of Jinjing’s parenting, how she couldn’t do certain things, and how if she did something, her mother would’ve killed her. The two resolved the tension with the help of Dawei, he had a personal one on one talk with Handong about how much Xinyi hated her mother and the real reason why they had relocated to Wuhan. She was understanding and felt awful for pushing her away in that sense. Xinyi went to Hong Kong by herself that summer, calling Handong many times on the phone, sobbing about how much she wanted to come home.

In 2015, Handong confided in Xinyi about wanting to audition in Korea. Xinyi, who was still adjusting to the normal teen lifestyle apart from her mother, panicked while her mind explored various scenarios where Handong wouldn’t be with her anymore. Once the two finished high school, Handong and Xinyi put together a plan to move to South Korea, studying at Sejeong University while auditioning for many companies together. Xinyi was offered to train at JYP and SM Entertainment, while Handong never got a callback. The two auditioned for HappyFace Entertainment, where they were finally accepted together. They signed with the company in mid-2016, training for 5 months before debuting in Dreamcatcher.

i love mira i really do :c

[choicesficwriterscreations]

CFWC Writer of the Month: Angelasscribbles

Each month CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers, and this month’s writer of the month is @angelasscribbles ​! We hope you will enjoy learning more about her and her work below! Writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

Tumblr Blog: angelasscribbles

Quick Links: 

WordPress Blog: Angela Harrison

And my much neglected unschooling blog: Raising Wild Things

Tumblr Masterlist

How do you want to be known on Tumblr?  Angela

1- When did you start playing Choices? What's the first book you played? 

Back in 2017ish, I played The Freshman series, all of it, without spending a single diamond! (I looked up the diamond scenes on youtube, shhh). I started multiple games trying to diamond mine but kept wanting to actually play them, so I ended up deleting the app and forgetting about it. Fast forward to 2020, the pandemic was in full swing, we were stuck at home, and I was bored. I reinstalled the app and played Rules of Engagement. I spend diamonds. I married Leo. I moved on to TRR because I read that the prince in question was Leo’s brother. 

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

I went to Reddit to feed my choices addiction, so does that count? I was on there end of 2020, I’d guess. Everyone was discussing how PB hinted at a polyamorous ending for TRR but didn’t deliver. Then someone said there was poly fanfic out there, and I was like, where? I hit google and ended up on Tumblr sometime in 2021.

3- How did you pick your url name? 

So this is a funny story! When my kids were little, a town we live near, Mckinney, used to have a huge weekend-long extravaganza downtown the weekend after Thanksgiving called A Dickens of a Christmas. One of the big attractions was the train that ran around the square. It was hosted by the local magic shop, but the line, and the wait, was always very long. To keep everyone entertained, they had performers. There was a man on stilts who somehow ended up in some weird rivalry with my then eight-year-old son. I can’t remember how it started, but when one would see the other, they’d point and scream, “BAH HUMBUG!” There were people hula hooping with glow-in-the-dark hoops, and there was a magician. So one night, we are standing in line, and the magician comes over to us and is doing card tricks. He asked my then eight-year-old son (same kid, yeah, he makes friends wherever we go lol) to pull a card. He did. Then he handed him a pen and told him to write his name on it. Now my son is extremely dyslexic and struggled a lot with reading and writing. He tried to decline and hand it back, but the magician insisted. Finally, Todd takes the pen and scribbles on the card, and hands it back. The magician looks at it and says, “This is your name?” My son says, “My name is Todd.” The man replies, “Your name is Todd Scribbles?” Which sent him and me and the rest of my kids into a fit of giggles. He called him Todd Scribbles for the rest of the night. He did the magic trick of shuffling the cards and still pulling Todd’s card, then he gave it to him, and he brought it home and hung it up. His siblings called him Todd Scribbles forever. When I made my WordPress blog, I wanted something cute and memorable for the title. I remembered Todd Scribbles. And I thought scribbles are writing. I’m writing. These are my scribbles. Angela’s Scribbles. I stole his name. He was fine with it. When I came to Tumblr, I just stuck with the blog name I was already using on WordPress. 

4- Go back to your archive and tell us about the first post on your Choices blog. 

It was a one-shot called First Date. It’s TRR book one, the night before the Beaumont bash when Liam asks MC on his first real date. After the date, he walks her back to her room, and they are making out in the hallway when they hear a noise and pull apart. Who was it? They had no servants, and Bertrand and Max knew Liam was there. I always HC it was Drake, inadvertently stumbling upon them. So I wrote that night from his POV.

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

Since February of 2021 technically. I posted First Date, another one shot titled Confrontation, and the four chapters of The Proposal between February and March 2021, as well as some Ride or Die chapters, to the sound of crickets. I left and ignored Tumblr until August 2021. I really am not sure why I came back, but I decided to try again. My original idea was to write what happened at Ramsford during those three weeks between book 1 and book 2. I posted the first chapter of Three Weeks in Ramsford on August 1st, 2021, and never looked back.

6- What is your favorite Choices book to write about?

The Royal Romance

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it or would you change anything about it?

My first series was Three Weeks at Ramsford. I definitely think I’d write it better now, I’ve grown as a writer. Also, I now wish I’d gone with my original idea of having Drake show up in person, not just smuggle a letter and a cell phone to her. 

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Bad Romance, hands down.

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be but could use a little more love?

Bad Romance. I expected people to lose their minds, and they did, just not in the way I expected. It was supposed to be a one-shot and was a direct pushback against the notion that some of my characters were toxic. Basically, I was like, you wanna see toxic? Here, hold my beer! Everyone begged for more, and the first several chapters were really just me trying to see how toxic and messed up I could make everything/everyone. Then somewhere along the way, these characters started whispering motivations and desires to me, and everything changed. I ended up with a still lil toxic but pretty cool, fully functioning, open, honest, and loving polycule.

For the second part of the question, maybe Leo and Liv. I put Leo and Liv together in a one-shot randomly but then loved them together and started a series just for them. But to be fair, I haven’t gotten very far with it. It keeps getting pushed to the side for other projects. 

10- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

Why would you ask me that? Aaagghh, what a difficult choice! If I’m forced to choose, I guess it would have to be angst. I can’t live without emotion. Emotion drives everything, including the fluff and the smut, right? Angst is where you get to showcase the emotion.

11- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

Of course. I think we all do this. I have said frequently, too many people, that while no version of MC is me, there are pieces of me in every version of her. 

12- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

This keeps changing. When I first started writing fanfiction, I was like, “Write smut? Oh no! I could never! It would be too awkward!” Now I’m like, “You want a threesome? BDSM? Just another Tuesday, ho hum.” Then it was humour. I remember the first time I sat down to write something to purposely make people laugh. It was a lot of work, but it paid off. Then I wrote an entire one-shot that was humour. It was still a lot of work. Then I wrote an entire miniseries that was humour and it became easier and easier the more I did it. Practice makes perfect. I never thought I could do tragedy either. I could not bear to hurt my characters like that. Now I think I’ve killed off almost everyone at some point or another. My biggest struggle is neglecting current projects when new ideas occur to me.

13- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

Yes. Heir Apparent and Leo and Liv. Also, my original novel that has been woefully neglected, even though it’s only a few chapters away from completion. 

14- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? Yes. And I already have. Two of my friends have read most of my stuff. I recommended they start with Bad Romance because it’s my favorite, and they did.

15 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing? So many. I was a huge Stephen King fan as a teenager/young adult, and I devoured his books. Consequently, my first few short stories were horror. Anne Rice likewise fed my love of the supernatural, and not just Interview with a Vampire (though it was great), but the rest of her vampire books, as well as Taltos and the rest of the Witches of Mayfair series. Deborah Harkness and her Discovery of Witches are partially to blame for my obsession with witches. I also read copious amounts of fantasy and sci-fi. Marion Zimmer Bradley stands out for turning a well-known story on its head. Changing literally none of the major details we all know and love about the King Arthur story (Mists of Avalon) and somehow, at the same time, making it into a completely different story! (helped with my love of a good plot twist). Also notable are Orson Scott Card (Ender's Game, Seventh Son), Robert Heinlein (Stranger in a Strange Land), Ben Bova (Endless Universe), and Issac Asimov (I, Robot. Robots of Dawn). As a child, Marguerite Henry wrote books about horses that were achingly beautiful to me, particularly Misty of Chincoteague. Louisa May Alcott (Little Women) and Margaret Mitchell (Gone with the Wind) for epic, heart-wrenching storytelling. Sheri S. Tepper captured my attention as a teen with Maven Manyshaped and again as an adult with The Gate to Women’s Country, fostering my fixation of addressing issues of inequality and ingrained sexism in my work. I love a good mystery, and Sharyn McCrumb writes them with all the majestic beauty of Appalachia as a backdrop and liberal amounts of supernatural suspense. The Dark Part of the Forest by Holly Black delighted me for flipping the script, putting the prince in a magical sleep in a glass coffin in the woods, and having the girl hero run around with a sword. At some point, I moved on to paranormal romance. I had never been a romance reader, but these books took me by storm. My favorite authors in that genre are Charlaine Harris, Kim Harrison, and Laurell K. Hamilton. I have read everything all three of them have ever written. If you want polyamory on steroids, you can’t go wrong with Laurell K. Hamilton; she makes my Bad Romance gang look positively sweet, innocent, and vanilla. Let’s not forget the master of poetry and horror alike (according to me anyway), Edgar Allan Poe. He’s the reason I started writing poetry. My favorite poem is by him; it’s called Alone. And of course, The Raven and The TellTale Heart. I am beyond positive I’m leaving some out. 

As far as other fanfic writers go, I strive to be as funny as @harleybeaumont, as angsty  @burnsoslow as tragically beautiful as @dcbbw as evocative as @txemrn for my Drake to have as much swagger and sex appeal as @karahalloway and for my Leo to be as funny and endearing as @queenrileyrose. 

16- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

I think Savage Love would make a good action movie. I think Bad Romance would make a good series, like a modern-day Game of Thrones meets Bridgerton.

17- Do you write original stories? 

Yes. My WordPress blog is full of flash fiction, poetry, essays, and one of my original short stories. The rest of my short stories are waiting for me to either submit them to online fiction publications or publish them myself as a collection of short stories. I have three original novels in progress, one is almost complete. My original work is mostly horror, fantasy, and paranormal romance.

18 -  What other hobbies do you have?

Reading. Photography. Camping/Hiking. Live music/sports. Collecting books (related to, but different from reading). Acting.

19 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

20: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

I guess if you’re interested in my personal life, I can tell you that I have seven children I can claim by birth or adoption and five more that I have partially raised for some amount of time spanning from six months to seven years, making a total of 12 children that have come through my home over the years. My husband and I have been married for twenty years; we live on a small farm in Texas, where we raise chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese, and goats currently (we used to raise hogs as well). We have four dogs, two cats, a couple of bearded dragons, two snakes, and run a turtle rehab. We have a couple of box turtles and many aquatic turtles of different types. My 17-year-old (Todd Scribbles lol) is a fierce advocate for them and is the reason all our friends and family now stop to help turtles cross roads (safely and correctly, of course!). Three of my kids play volleyball competitively and are stupid good at it, they did not get that athletic ability from me. I love playing sports but am generally uncoordinated. My favorite sport is baseball, my favorite team is, of course, the Texas Rangers, and the greatest pitcher of all time was Nolan Ryan, and this is the reason my Drake’s middle name is Nolan. 

I sometimes process grief through my writing. When I wrote Maximum Damage, I didn’t plan it, but when I got to that part, Maxwell received the same injuries and recovery time as my oldest son did when he had his car accident. I have also lost loved ones to suicide, so writing that scene was hard as well. I wrote Betrayal after coming home from a memorial service and watching my nephew grieve for his wife. When I wrote Almost, again, it wasn’t planned, but when I got to the end, some of my own emotions about fear of losing a child came into play. Our youngest child is not biologically ours, and we have had to fight for her. We lost. She was ripped away and then given back. It’s why TRH 3 was so hard for me to get through and why I will never write MC losing custody of her child for even two minutes. 

Just because I don’t want to end on a sad note, I need to tell ya’ll more stuff, lol. I was in the Army, I went to Texas A&M for undergrad and got my master's at Texas Woman’s University. When I lived in Laredo, we used to walk across the Rio Grande into Mexico on the weekends to go shopping. I have lived in Texas most of my life, but I did live in Arizona in a hippie commune when I was four. Yes, my mother was a flower child. She had a white mustang covered in those flowers you stick to the bottom of the tub. The car’s name was flower. After my mom remarried, we lived in Oklahoma at Fort Sill (I was an Army brat).  I ran off to Ohio briefly at some point, and I spent ten days in New York City with a theatre group. I love musical theatre though I cannot sing. I was a theatre kid in high school and have done community theatre as an adult. I worked for over twenty years as a child development expert and only recently quit. I’m still figuring out what I want to do next. I worked for Half Price Books for two years in college, and it was a really fun job. My coworkers were all writers, artists, and musicians. I developed my love for live music by going to my manager's gigs on the weekends. Now I’m boring and never go anywhere but volleyball with my kids. I’m a raging night owl and have moderate to severe ADHD, which explains how I write so much. It’s a current hyper fixation. It’s also the reason I tend to overshare. Sorry. 

Ok, that’s probably way more than anyone wanted or needed to know! Let me end by saying how much I love this fandom. I have met some really amazing people here!

[fellthemarvelous]

I hate the holidays so much. My depression is already bad, but the holiday season just amplifies it.

Thanksgiving 2020, my mom and I prepared a meal for me and her and my dad. We were still in the middle of COVID, she had been receiving chemo treatments since summer of that year, but she had stage 4 cancer so there was no cure. We laughed our way through preparations though because neither of us had actually ever cooked a turkey before.

I remember giving her a hug. We were talking about what we would do differently for Thanksgiving 2021 (like getting a Honey Baked Ham instead of a turkey), and then she told me she didn't think she would be around anymore by the time Thanksgiving rolled around again. I told her not to think like that. It was impossible for me to imagine a world without my mom in it.

A month later I had to take her to the ER because she was having trouble walking. She went into the hospital the day before Christmas Eve, and a month later I had to say goodbye to her. She never came home again.

My brother and sister flew out when she was admitted into the hospital, but it was still in the midst of COVID and we couldn't spend time with her. She was in triage for three days before they finally found a room for her in the ICU.

The cancer was in her lungs (she never smoked a day in her life), in her spine, and it was spreading like wildfire throughout her brain. There were two weeks where she was in the hospital and we didn't get to see her once because of how rampant COVID was (and the people who fucking refused to take the pandemic seriously).

They had to intubate her because she stopped breathing on her own, and then finally we learned that there was nothing else they could do for her, so she ended up in hospice.

Christmas and New Years was spent worrying about my mom and being upset because we couldn't sit with her in the hospital. My mom spent about two weeks in hospice after that, and I stayed with her as much as I possibly could.

She passed away on a night I was unable to stay, in the final days of January 2021. Exactly one month before my sister's birthday and just a little over a month before my 40th birthday. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't get to live long enough to see me reach 40.

My sister's kids didn't get to fly out to visit my mom because my sister, a single mom, wasn't able to afford plane tickets for all three of them. She couldn't even get the time off work to stay out here with us for a full 24 hours.

And now my sister's former mother-in-law has stage 4 cancer, so the kids are about to lose their only other grandmother to an aggressive form of cancer as well. It hasn't even been a week since we learned this information.

It was 19 degrees outside the day we had my mom's funeral, but this same woman stood next to me while we watched them lower my mom's casket into the ground, with her arms wrapped around me, to give me some small amount of comfort on one of the worst days of my life.

And she's been cursed with a fate just as cruel as my mom's.

I feel so small. I'm broke and jobless and feel like an entirely worthless human being because my depression and anxiety are so bad right now that I can't even function like a person is supposed to.

I'm months away from turning 43 and all I can think about is how much I really want my mom right now.

[suenitos]

its rlly interesting hearing everyones canon events for what got them here the diversity in peoples reactions to dream or dnf or dteam and parasocialism etc is actually breathtaking. anyway here's mine (with most of the journey as a bonus) that no one asked for. WARNING IT'S LONG:

i was more of a slow burn in that i first became aware of who the hell dream (i think george too?) was during summer 2020 when the maia thing was happening (i think it was trending or something and EVERYONE knew her from prom dress so i was like hey i know her!), though i dont remember all of the details i just remember thinking "ok!" then closing the twitter app. didn't pay it any mind.

later i started to get dteam content on my tiktok fyp from compilations and thought why the hell not and started to watch them on youtube. i found the mc tag video and was HOOKED with the solo dnf challenge videos. fell out of it for a while because online school then came back officially on november 16 when unus annus ended and lmanberg exploded and i needed something else to obsess over to cope with isolation. i dont quite remember when quackity came into the equation but he was THE reason i got into cdnf (and lore too i guess) because he gave us the only pov of the dethronement and that was the first lore stream i watched live. i remember recognizing him from the raids and discords got talent videos and got more into him and dteam at the same time especially as 5/5 became a thing (so you can see why i was hurt really bad when april happened lol)

another part of it was heat waves.. i was pretty opposed to it at first because after dan howell's coming out i thought rpf was inherently invasive to content creators. and to be fair there was a lot of freaknasty shit written about phan that made them uncomfortable! but since i have no morals i caved and read it anyway under the justification that everyone kept saying this is really good characterization and writing so why not! (up until chapter 3 was released at this time) i finally decided to register for an ao3 account along with thousands of other people (before the waiting list got really long lol) and read it and well. here we are

the parasocial drontroversy was happening around this time too and i sort of talked about it but that indirectly caused me to lurk for the entirety of 2021 mostly on tiktok and twitter and twitch (i knowwww. it was pretty bad). part of that too was because of the drontoversies so i avoided engaging directly until i knew for sure that dream wasn't the evilest man ever. i was really cautious about him because i had this assumption of his character (white cis het (lol) man raised republican) but after seeing his growth and learning a bit about him i grew out of my initial timidity and embraced the stan label (in secret). i was also a big youtube viewer too i loved the animations people made and still do! a xanyleaves manhunt animation also convinced me to watch manhunt and dteam (any object show fans here lol?) i got sick of doing that and not dumping everything in my brain somewhere my irls wouldn't see so i lurked here for a while and officially joined in january 2022. it was pretty fun! but then after a while you could tell the wheels were falling off the wagon!

i left for probably a month following the drituation drop (still lurking for updates etc) but then decided to come back with a different account because 1. i decided for myself that it was ultimately a nothing burger after seeking out evidence when i was ready 2. i was sick of using that blog as a sideblog and this is all i blog about anyway 3. i was lonely :( i missed the few mutuals i had and seeing life on the dash. i also just wanted to help build something healthier from before. i think the christmas streams were the first time i felt READY and sure to actively come back and my time here here has been really wonderful for the most part. this is MY toxic radioactive echo chamber dumpster and i love being a bacteria living in it.

[kristinakassandradegamo]

I am Kristina and just like other teens these days, I pretty much spend my time with mobile phones and technologies, I used to call social media as my HAPPINESS back then, as it helps me with so many things including my studies and my social life, and ever since I had my first phone on 6th grade, I used to think that not having to use technologies a day would be impossible, not until 1 big disaster happened that had big impact on how I see the real HAPPINESS

One afternoon on December 2021, my dad was watching News while I was on my phone scrolling, I heard as the weather forecaster said that there will be a big typhoon that would landfall in our place, Cebu, and the typhoon was named ODETTE, PAGASA advised us to evacuate on safer place, I got a little shock with what the news have shown, it was a very big typhoon that i could not see the VISAYAS part anymore, but at the time I wasn’t scared, I didn’t take that seriously. I continued scrolling and listened to my parents discussing as they were planning on where to evacuate. My mom decided that we should go to her friends house whose name’s “Ate Nining” she’s very close to us, and she’s the mother of my childhood bestfriend “Jody”, they live in a subdivision in which my mom think is a safe place to shelter since its spacious and concrete.

on December 16, It was a very stormy day, We evacuated at Ate Nining’s house, Mom brought foods and first aid kit, while I only brought my phone and charger. I actually got happy when we evacuated since my bestfriend Jody was there, We never got to spend time at each other because she lives in Manila, but at the time she was on vacation here in Lapu-Lapu. It’s like a sleepover to us, We plan on doing tiktok, watch kdrama’s and upload a vlog on youtube.

As I remember around 6pm that day, rain started to pour heavily, me and Jody were doing tiktok dance, then suddenly the wind blows very loud like it’s whistling together with the rapid rain, everyone got panicked, the glass windows started to break, roofs started to make noise, business posters are everywhere, trees were falling, the electricity got blacked out, and everybody got anxious. It was ODETTE, That situation was very creepy to me, it’s like mother nature just screamed.

Luckily none of us got hurt, the subdivision was indeed safety for evacuating. After the Odette has landed, Morning of December 17, 2021, I could not believe what I saw outside, roofs are on the street, Electrical wires are everywhere, trees got paved, no one could access the street because of the debris, Everyone was still in shock.

Fast forward to we got home, My phone’s battery was dead and I couldn’t charge because electricity was still not there. And everybody’s phone was dead.

from there my life started to get a little hard as I wasn’t used to not use a phone, but little did I know my life started there.

Days after that, I wake up because of the smoke that came from what my dad was cooking, he was using trees and charcoal to cook our foods, since there were no butanes for sale, my brother was asked to go and get water from the well (tabay)to wash the dishes and I volunteered too, It was my first time for a long time to “sag ob” a tubig from the well, I just realized its dun and its like an exercise for my arms,

then we started eating together without distractions because no one was using phones, we were having story telling about the hilarious happenings and experience from the past and we would laugh out loud, my bestfriends and I started to have a very deep conversations, that we don’t use to talk often. My neighbors would have a chitchat everyday. We celebrated Christmas without electricity but it still felt very nice and nostalgic as I think of it.

Odette might have had a bad impact on everyone including me, I still felt healed, feels like there used to be a missing piece in my heart that have just completed, and its the CONNECTION, I just realised that the real HAPPINESS is by having a quality time with love ones having deep talks, enjoying nature, being contented is the real HAPPINESS.

PHOTO WAS ABOUT MY FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ELECTRICITY

[thewayisoutpb]

.long time no see

My last blog entry dates 11th of February 2021. It has been more than a year and a half. Last time I said I will write more often in order to keep track life and also reflect and remember the important milestones. Somehow, I did not manage to do that. Although, I always thought about it, sometimes I even planned to write, but in the end, I did not get to do it.

I don’t know where to start, a lot of things happened since. Probably it would be the best if I would stick to the timeline so I don’t miss anything and it will make sense later.

In 2021, I lost my grandmother. She’s been in and out of hospital, the doctors could not really help her, surgery was needed, but it was very risky given her age. Two or three days before she died, she called me in the morning around 4am. I thought my grandfather called to tell us she has died. But no, she called me, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Probably she had a tube down her throat, so I couldn’t make it out. I told her I will call her later that day. But after that she was not picking up. Then some days later my father called (while I was hanging out with Csabi and Lukáš) that she had died. It hit me, I was sad of course, but I also felt a relief that she is no longer suffering and she can get her well-deserved peace. I often think about her, how I would tell her about everything new in my life. She would be so happy for me, for us.

After the pandemic and all the restrictions summer came, when we went for a trip to Croatia with Zsolti, Dominik and my sister. It was the longest drive in my life, nearly 12 hours if I recall it correctly. It was a great experience. We arrived with just 3-5 breaks; I was okay without taking a nap. The trip was awesome, mainly because we finally got to go on a holiday. Secondly, it was a great bonding experience with Dominik. Before that, we weren’t that close, or at least I felt it that way.

During the summer, we got a great opportunity and decided to move from our 1-room apartment after 2 years. It was an emotional goodbye, since it was our first home together and we had a great relationship with our landlady as well. At the beginning of October, with help of our friends we’ve moved to a spacious 3-room apartment. It was a stressful move - our contract at the old place was coming to an end and it was questionable if we can actually move in to our new place, since the owners had some problems with the company that was building their house. But in the end, it turned out fine. There was a lot of work, like fixing holes in the wall, painting, moving a lot of stuff, cleaning everything.
To be honest, I like this space much better than the previous one. Firstly, it’s more spacious and secondly, I really like what we did with the place.

I took some time to settle in, but we were enjoying our new home. Meanwhile I was advancing in my job. I still work at the same place, gradually getting more and more responsibility, which also reflects on my income.

On the 23rd of November, I decided to take the next big step in our relationship and I proposed to Miška. I had many ideas about the way I will propose - I had some trips in mind, Edinburg for example. But when the ring arrived, I just couldn’t wait (also it was Covid, lot of restrictions), I was way too excited and decided to propose to her on that day in our living room. She had the most terrible day; she was sad and exhausted. I decided to light up her mood by dancing. I chose one of her favourite songs from Harry Styles. While we were dancing, she wasn’t suspicious at all. Then I started telling her what I love about her, how I’m excited to build a future together, got down on one knee and asked the question - she said yes.

The year ended with us celebrating Christmas and New Year with our family and friends. Looking back, 2021 was a great year with many things that pushed us further on our journey in life.

2022 started out well, things were looking up work-wise as well. Some side jobs came my way so generally my income increased. During summer, we finally went to visit Zsolti in Manchester. After that we were invited to Aďka and Kika’s wedding in Wales, which was a great weekend too. We got closer with Stanka and Kovo and decided to invite them to our wedding.

A lot of things happened in 2022 so far, this post would be endless if I were to sum all them up. I should take the time more often to sit down and reflect on life not just by meditating, but writing about it too.

At the time of writing this, we are in the process of moving again (after just 1 year), because they guy, we are renting the flat from decided to sell it. With the wedding being just a month away, life got very complicated quickly. But this got us thinking that maybe we need to change our plans and buy an apartment instead of renting one. This way, nobody would kick us out. Probably we were a bit naïve when we thought we could be in the same apartment for 5 years or so to save up some money and build our own house. This is a slight change of plans, but it’s for the better.

With us thinking about having a baby after the wedding, living in our own space gives us more certainty and security.

However, we need to wait with the loan after the wedding, just to be sure we would get the whole loan from the bank (better requirements for married couples). This makes our situation a bit difficult, since we need to move out from our current place and nobody rents an apartment for just 2-3 months. Luckily, we agreed with the sellers of our new apartment that we can move in while we sort out our loan. We are truly grateful they understood our situation and agreed to help us this way.

Let’s hope everything works out for us, like it did always.

[causeiwanttoandican]

Robert Lacey excerpt

I fully expect them to say William was the one commenting about the baby’s skin color after this. Battle stations! Book excerpt

The Times

Prince William ‘split his household from Prince Harry after Meghan bullying claims’

June 07 2021, 7.00am BST

‘So, are you saying,” asked Oprah Winfrey, talking to Meghan and Harry in their famous interview of March 2021, “that there were hints of jealousy?”

She was inquiring about the Sussexes’s wildly successful tour of Australia and the South Pacific of late October 2018, and the couple shifted uncomfortably in their plush wicker chairs.

“Look,” replied Harry, “I just wish that we would all learn from the past.”

By bringing up “the past”, the prince was venturing into an area that was almost taboo. He was making a sensational comparison between his mother and his wife. Harry was suggesting that Meghan had demonstrated in Australia the same massive star quality as Diana and was now having to face the family envy that went along with that.

“It really changed,” he said, “after the Australia tour, after our South Pacific tour . . . it was . . . the first time that the family got to see how incredible she is at the job. And that brought back memories.”

Memories of what? Again Harry shied away from putting words to the almost unmentionable. But Oprah had prepared and polished this moment, like so many others in the interview, and she had a reference ready to prompt her prince’s revelation. The latest, fourth season of TV’s The Crown had depicted Charles and Diana’s 1983 tour of Australia, showing how Diana had been “bedazzling” in her ability “to connect with people”. Episode six had depicted how the crowds would groan when they realised that Charles, not Diana, was walking down their side of the street — hence the beginnings of the “jealousy” on the family’s part.

“So is that what you’re talking about?” asked Oprah. “It brought back memories of that?”

“Yeah,” Harry finally replied in a fashion that was both dismal and unmistakably aggressive.

What on earth had happened, viewers had to wonder, to the old and once-familiar happy side of Prince Harry?

When trying to define the moment that marked the decisive rift with his brother William — the break-up and actual separation of the joint household they had established together in 2009 — Harry would fix upon his triumphant return with Meghan from their Australian tour at the end of October 2018. But if asked the same question, William would have fixed on a more specific event: the explosive argument he had had with his brother earlier that month.

Both brothers agreed how bitterly they had clashed back in the early days over William’s attempt to slow Harry’s courtship of Meghan — “Don’t feel like you need to rush this . . . ” But both of them had subsequently moved on. Harry’s transparent contentment with Meghan had relaxed the tensions, give or take the odd row over bridesmaids’ dresses. The “no speaks” had eased just a little by the time “best man” William escorted his brother down the aisle in May 2018.

Then five months later came the conclusive and determining rupture — the division that has lasted to the present day — though here the brothers’ retelling of history diverged. As Harry explained it to Oprah, Meghan’s Australian tour success sowed the jealousies that caused feelings to “change”. According to this scenario, William and Kate resented the Diana-like popularity that was generated by Harry’s wife. William had a different recollection.

We now know that Princes William and Harry were no longer on speaking terms before the Sussexes set off for Australia. Feelings had already “changed”, as Harry put it, and drastically so. The brothers had parted on extremely poor terms, with the trouble centring on Meghan’s stringent treatment and alleged bullying of her staff.

Most Kensington Palace courtiers were noted for the comparatively long tenures of their comfortable and prestigious jobs. But it came to look as if employees could not wait to escape service with Harry and Meghan. Those who left formed themselves into an informal fraternity that they titled the “Sussex Survivors’ Club”. They had finally hit back, and their organising agent had been PR man Jason Knauf.

The joint communications secretary for Kensington Palace — who was still, at that date, working on behalf of both of the brothers and their wives — had become concerned by the numerous stories of mistreatment being brought to him by colleagues whom he knew well and trusted.

Texas-born and New Zealand-educated, Knauf, 34, was a popular character in Kensington Palace, widely noted for his friendliness and loyalty towards his colleagues. He had been considered a real “catch” when the brothers snared him from the Royal Bank of Scotland in 2015, and one of his concerns was that professional management practices should be more effectively enforced inside the traditional British palace. Knauf’s American sensibilities caused him to see the Meghan situation as raising principles of human resources management in the palace system that needed to be formally addressed.

Knauf’s first priority was to set down the facts, as he saw them, for the record: “I’m very concerned,” he emailed to William’s private secretary Simon Case, in a document he drafted in October 2018, “that the duchess was able to bully two PAs out of the household in the past year.”

Knauf described Meghan’s treatment of one aide as “totally unacceptable . . . the duchess seems intent”, he wrote, “on always having someone in her sights”. Specifying another staff member, Knauf alleged Meghan had been bullying her as well, “seeking to undermine her confidence”. His office had received “report after report”, he wrote, from people who had witnessed “unacceptable behaviour” by Meghan towards this member of staff.

“Meghan governed by fear,” claimed one courtier. “So many people said it. Nothing was ever good enough for her. [She] humiliated staff in meetings, [would] shout at them, [would] cut them off email chains — and then demand to know why they hadn’t done anything.”

As early as 2017, around the time of the couple’s engagement, according to a subsequent report in The Times, a senior aide had spoken to the couple about the difficulties caused by their treatment of staff. “It’s not my job to coddle people,” Meghan was said to have replied.

“Americans can be much more direct,” wrote the authors Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand in defence of the duchess, “and that often doesn’t sit well in the much more refined institution of the monarchy.”

A Brit might have raised an eyebrow at Meghan’s alleged behaviour, then looked the other way. The Yank decided to act. Knauf was actually one of Meghan’s most senior advisers — her chief adviser, in fact, when it came to public relations. Earlier that year she had gone to Knauf for help when drafting the disputed letter of severance that she sent to her father. She valued his PR expertise.

Before that, Knauf had helped Harry to word the fierce anti-media statements that he had framed to try to protect Meghan from press harassment, both as his girlfriend and then as his fiancée. The PR man had taken considerable stick from some of his non-royal contacts who criticised him as being overprotective in fighting the newcomer’s corner. Like so many people in all the palaces, Knauf had started off on Meghan’s side.

But as the months went by the American’s feelings became more ambiguous, as numerous colleagues — women whom he greatly respected — continued to bring him stories of what they said they had suffered at Meghan’s hands.

“I can’t stop shaking,” one aide had told a colleague in anticipation of an encounter with Meghan. Another reported that the prospect of confrontation with the duchess had made her “feel sick”. “Emotional cruelty and manipulation”, were the words of a third, “which I guess could also be called bullying.”

The b-word featured prominently in the accounts of several, along with an even more sinister set of initials: PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder was a deeply serious condition to allege — flashbacks, nightmares and feelings of deep anxiety — but that was how one complainant said that they had felt.

Several people maintained they had been “humiliated” by the duchess, and that criticism extended to Harry as well.

“I overheard a conversation between Harry and one of his top aides,” recalled one Kensington Palace courtier. “Harry was screaming and screaming down the phone. Team Sussex was a really toxic environment. People shouting and screaming in each other’s faces.”

Shouting and screaming? PTSD? Making people feel sick? Prince William went ballistic when he heard the “dossier of distress” that Knauf had gathered. We do not know whether the communications secretary brought his allegations directly to his boss or submitted them via Simon Case. What we do know is that the prince was astonished and horrified. He was instantly furious at what he heard.

“I remember Christian Jones [William’s press secretary and later private secretary] explaining to me how the Cams [the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge] are paternalistic with their staff,” recalls one royal correspondent. “They copy the Queen in that respect with all her Christmas parties and Christmas presents to her people. They’re proud to treat their staff like family. They recognise that they don’t get paid loads of money, so they are just really nice to them. So this was a very deep clash of philosophies, with Meghan being used to a Hollywood service culture — getting exactly what she wanted whenever she wanted in that famous way that Harry said.”

William personally knew and liked all the individuals whom Knauf had named in his dossier. The prince regarded them as assets to his household — colleagues to be cherished and for whom he was responsible. Human beings. Like Knauf, the prince was appalled that his respected staff may have been put in this position.

For William, Knauf’s allegations also clarified something that the prince had long believed — that Meghan was fundamentally hostile towards the royal system, which she failed to understand as an outsider. William wondered if she had not wanted to leave from the very start — even dreaming, perhaps, that she could whisk Harry back with her to North America.

But Meghan’s lawyers and PR representatives said this was quite the wrong interpretation of their client’s thinking and behaviour in a statement that they issued to The Times early in March 2021. They denied all allegations of bullying as inaccurate and the product of what they described as a “smear campaign”. The duchess wished to fit in and be accepted, they insisted. She had left her life in North America to commit herself to her new role.

I have never met Jason Knauf. What you have just read is based upon the published accusations that Knauf set down on paper — refuted as “defamatory”, it must be stressed again, and “based on misleading and harmful information” in the view of the Duchess of Sussex’s lawyers. It also relies upon William’s personal account of these events to one of his friends who then spoke to this author.

The moment the prince heard the bullying allegations, he related to this friend, he got straight on the phone to talk to Harry — and when Harry flared up in furious defence of his wife, the elder brother persisted. Harry shut off his phone angrily, so William went to speak to him personally. The prince was horrified by what he had just been told about Meghan’s alleged behaviour, and he wanted to hear what Harry had to say.

The showdown between the two siblings was fierce and bitter. William’s pre-engagement questioning of Meghan’s suitability had been quite reasonable, in William’s opinion. His fraternal doubts had been provisional, based upon how the new recruit appeared to be. The elder brother did not really know Meghan in those early days.

But now William had seen enough of his sister-in-law to feel sure that, sadly, he did know her and that many of his reservations linked unhappily with what Knauf’s colleagues had alleged. William believed Meghan was following a plan — “agenda” was the word he used to his friend — and the accusations he had just heard were alarming. Kate, he said, had been wary of her from the start.

Meghan was undermining some precious principles of the monarchy, if she really was treating her staff in this way, and William was upset that she seemed to be stealing his beloved brother away from him. Later courtiers would coin a hashtag — #freeHarry. It was only half a joke.

“Meghan portrayed herself as the victim,” recalled one Kensington Palace staffer, “but she was the bully. People felt run over by her. They didn’t know how to handle this woman. They thought she was a complete narcissist and sociopath — basically unhinged. Which was why the pair of them were drawn to each other in the first place — both damaged goods.”

William felt deeply wounded. “Hurt” and “betrayed” were the two feelings that he described to his friend. The elder brother had always felt so protective. He had seen it as his job to look out for Harry but this was the moment the protection had to stop. At the end of the day the British crown and all it stood for with its ancient traditions, styles and values — the mission of the monarchy — had to matter more to William than his brother did.

Harry, for his part, was equally furious that William should give credence to the accusations against Meghan, and he was fiercely combative in his wife’s defence. Some sources maintain that in the heat of the argument Harry actually accused someone in the family of concepts that were “racist”. But it must be stressed that neither brother has ever confirmed that the hateful r-word was used face to face.

Only William and Harry can know what they said to each other and they have respectfully maintained their silence on that. But Harry made clear to the world in his interview with Oprah that he considered his family’s response to Meghan to have been essentially racist — using the heavily freighted code words “unconscious bias” to provide an intellectual framework for his analysis.

Where could the two brothers go after such painful and damning notions had been thrown into their debate?

We have reached the crux of the drama. What painfully unforgettable and surely unforgivable things have been said? These are not passing differences. They are two core sets of values in conflict — love versus duty — going to the very heart and deriving from the deepest beliefs and loyalties of each man. Two opposing identities butting heads. In the months following the tragic and not-obviously bridgeable rift of October 2018 between William and Harry, the younger brother solidified his belief that his family were suffering from “unconscious bias”.

William, for his part, felt just as strongly about Meghan and the need for her subversive “agenda” to be removed from the operations of the British monarchy, which she did not appear to understand or respect. He certainly wanted Meghan removed, for a start, from the hitherto harmonious joint household that he and his brother had operated together for the best part of a decade. William simply did not want her or Harry around any more.

When accounts of the rift started seeping out through the winter months that followed, it was generally assumed that the volatile Harry must have set the pace in the splitting up of the joint Kensington Palace household. He was the brother who visibly departed, stalking off to set up a new home in Windsor, with offices for himself and Meghan in Buckingham Palace.

But the reverse was the case. It was William who made the decisive move. Following his furious confrontation with his younger brother in the autumn of 2018, the prince instructed Simon Case to start the process of dividing their two households immediately. William wished to be separated from Meghan on a day-to-day basis — and that meant being separated from his brother as well.

“William,” says a friend, “threw Harry out.”

©Robert Lacey 2021 Extracted from Battle of Brothers: William, Harry and the Inside Story of a Family in Tumult by Robert Lacey, to be published by William Collins on June 24 at £9.99

[morkleemelon]

nct ideal types 2021 :: 127

dream version | the confirmed facts are all from various interviews or fan questions but ‘my thoughts’ may well not be accurate! this is just for fun~ mark and haechan are in the dream version

moon taeil

confirmed: someone cute with a short bob hairstyle

my thoughts:

taeil is a super chill, laid back guy who gets along with more outgoing members like johnny and haechan. this makes me believe he’d want a funny, outgoing partner to balance with his personality

he mentioned cute so this makes me think small or petite. definitely shorter than him.

he said once that he would love to sing to his future girlfriend all the time (she will be so lucky oh my gosh). not to mention he is very passionate about music and dropped out of a prestigious music school to join nct. so he would definitely need someone who likes and appreciates music

he said if he were a girl, he’d date yuta out of all of the 127 members. so perhaps he just thinks yuta is boyfriend material, but maybe taeil is attracted to the strong-minded, caring type

seo johnny

confirmed: someone who smiles at him a lot. similar to girl’s generation’s yoona

my thoughts: 

johnny seems to get along with everyone so this is a bit tricky to try to determine. he confirmed he likes yoona so going off of that, she’s obviously gorgeous and has a beautiful smile. her personality is also elegant, but down to earth and funny

he was voted by everyone including himself as the most romantic member. he says that he hopes one day he can build christmas trees with his wife just like he used to do with his mom (I’m so soft). I think he’s looking for someone who likes sappy romance and will flirt back with him

he’s tall. and since he named yoona as his ideal type, I think he’d prefer a taller girl (but not taller than him). then again, I’m not sure if he’d care all too much 

he said he would date doyoung if he were a girl so I think that entails someone easily tease-able, neat, and proper

lee taeyong

confirmed: someone who can teach him, lead him, and make up for his flaws. a girl with long hair of any race. laid back. his ideal type is the same as ten’s. someone hard-working has a tough style. 

my thoughts:

he’s highkey a weeb (don’t deny this). no matter how charismatic he is on stage, we all know he’s a big softie who likes bugs and frogs and anime. he expressed he had a really hard time coming out of his shell and he’s quite introverted. he needs someone who’s strong-minded and knows what they’re doing

I remember when the rookies just came out in like 2014 and TY was 19 (?) ish and he confirmed that he’d never dated anyone yet. nobody believed him because he was so handsome but I have a feeling he was telling the truth. it’s been several years since then so I’m not sure how things have changed, but I have a feeling he would like someone experienced.

“any race” what a king. looks-wise besides having long hair, I can envision someone with great style. perhaps dyed hair, multiple piercings, tattoos, the works. fashion is something that tae really appreciates

nakamoto yuta

confirmed: a girl with short hair and is around 15 cm shorter than him (so about 160cm aka 5′3″). an empathetic, cute girl who doesn’t ‘act pretty’. someone bright and comfortable

my thoughts:

he has a lot of confirmed facts about looks which are also really specific. maybe he just knows what he wants. but I also thinks he has experience. it seems like he wants a tomboy who has a strong vibe

he likes being the ‘oppa’ and taking care of others like we see him do with winwin, mark, and jungwoo. he’d be into someone who looks up to him and who he can lead

I don’t have a reason but I think he would like someone who laughs a lot and laughs at his jokes (maybe because mark does and he loves mark)

someone who’s not embarrassed to be herself

during oshiete japan they had to pick out of 4 types of roses to gift to their ‘girlfriend’. him and haechan were the only ones who chose to give 3 roses to their ‘girlfriend’. the psychologist analyzed this and said that they’re ‘flirts who seek attention’. so that being said, I think yuta would like someone who gives him a lot of attention and reactions

kim doyoung

confirmed: someone polite and who treats their elders well

my thoughts:

I mean this in all seriousness, someone the exact opposite as haechan. while we can see in rare times that he does care for him, doyoung usually cannot stand haechan and all his tricks and taunting. as his confirmed type outlines, doie is really looking for someone who takes things seriously and listens to him well

I think he often feels underappreciated - a lot of times during his mv viewing reactions, the editors show another member during his part or just cut him out and you can tell he’s really disappointed (it hurts my heart). he would really like someone who goes out of their way to make him feel appreciated. 

when nct 127 went on oshiete japan, doyoung was the only one to pick the potted rose and the psychologist there said that it means he isn’t looking to just date around, but rather to settle down and have a stable relationship. I strongly believe that doyoung is looking for someone long-term.

also, his love language is giving gifts (from my observation since he often gifts the members foods during mv shoots and gifted TY the couple ring). my best guess is that he’d want to spoil his partner a lot with gifts to show his feelings. someone who appreciates his gifts and understands that they come from his heart

he thinks ariana grande is hot so that’s the only visual thing I can think of. she’s obviously very gorgeous but she’s petite and has an amazing voice

jung jaehyun

confirmed: a kind woman with long, straight hair who can communicate well with him. someone dependable, healthy, and into sports. someone usually calm but can be cute. doesn’t care if she’s older or younger. someone similar to him. someone like singer/actress IU. 

my thoughts: 

he has a lot of confirmed facts so I don’t have to make many assumptions here. someone with girl next door energy? 

he says he likes IU, so going with that, someone petite and cute. She’s not afraid to speak her mind and treats everyone with kindness.

I think J was born to be romantic (literally, born on valentines day). he said his previous ambition was to be a teen dad and his lines from make a wish english version “spoil her with loyalty” sum up my next prediction: he wants someone like a best friend who’s in it for the long run

dong sicheng

confirmed: someone with long, black hair

my thoughts:

he said his favorite actress is shu qi. although I don’t know if he just likes her acting or if she actually fits his ideal type, she is a traditional chinese beauty which I think winwin appreciates

he’s really introverted and is often overwhelmed by affection (i.e. all of the nct members). the exception is jaehyun and winwin seems to be the most comfortable around him. this makes me think he wants someone calm and chic

sicheng prefers staying inside to going out. not to diagnose him at all, but I reckon he can get socially anxious around large amounts of people. he’d like a partner who doesn’t overwhelm him and understands him

he really can’t cook (he couldn’t turn on a stove to make an egg on winformation). in the end, it wouldn’t matter, but i’m thinking that if you can cook you’d certainly earn some bonus points with him. it’s like that saying ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’.

kim jungwoo

confirmed: n/a

my thoughts: 

of all the members, I think jungwoo has expressed the least about his ideal type. not to make any unnecessary assumptions (but that’s all this post is really), but someone said he has strong bi energy. I can’t say anything because I’m not bi myself and I’m not him, but I can see this being a thing. take this with a grain of salt because I don’t actually have evidence

during oshiete japan, he was the only one to pick the large bouquet of roses to give to his ‘lover’. the psychologist analyzed this as him liking to pretend that he is in love and wanting to show his good side. he “can’t express his real feelings and doesn’t want to ever show his lame side to his lover”. because of this, I strongly feel that jungwoo would need someone who lifts his confidence and reassures him

the members he gets along with the most are probably yuta and mark. their personalities are quite different but based on their similarities, I think he is attracted to confidence, open-mindedness, and good work ethic.

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: A Festive Day in the Life of Dan and Phil!

Date video was published: 12/20/2014 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 254

The 2014 DITL video! The last one had been back in August 2013. This is my absolute favorite DITL and probably one of my top five DNP joint videos of all time. Get ready for me to have way too much to say about it.

0:00 - sleepy morning + quiff Phil! We’ll see a surprising amount of that in this video.

0:05 - “almost a week till Christmas,” so they must have filmed this just a few days before it was posted

0:25 - no waking up Dan in “his” bedroom like in the first two DITL. Hmmm...this scene doesn’t seem staged at all...especially since Phil’s laptop is already open on the arm of the sofa. Unless he just left it like that overnight.

0:37 - love that the other advent calendar on the mantle in the one they made. 😂 There are 18 of the doors opened on it, so they’re probably filming this on the the 18th or 19th of December.

0:47 - they both jump into doing the theme music as soon as Phil says “titan”

0:57 - that is pretty late for them to be putting up the decorations! Phil looks sad about it too.

1:01 - sad tinsel. I think Phil had the silver piece in the background in his last video. And the little WALLE in the background here, from all the way back in PINOF. 🥺

1:17 - this domestic insight, just 😭😭😭

1:26 - full circle back to the first DITL video. I wonder if they watched the previous DITLs before filming this one.

1:41 - so many mugs.

1:48 - Dan did not want that one because it was very hard to actually drink out of as he discovered in DITL London. I really bet they did watch the previous ones shortly before this...so many references back!

1:55 - awww, happy warm Phil

2:13 - such a dramatic sigh but he goes to get it anyway!

2:25 - well that is a terrifying way to burn a tealight...put it on a dish!

2:33 - I love that there is no explanation for this in the video. Phil is superstitious about new shoes on the table, which they had both tweeted about before.

2:40 - Dan fashion show and an encouraging Phil

2:47 - immediate smile when Dan notices Phil there

2:56 - why does Phil looks SO GOOD in this clip. also, as usual a weird/slightly horrifying poem from his brain.

3:02 - love that they both decided to wear holiday jumpers. They also wore these same ones for their December radio show. Also the Dan lean-in 🥺

3:12 - PJ tweeted about this DNP visit!

3:27 - this whole leaving scene is possibly the most domestic part of any video - the candle argument, the coat adjustment, the stop in the bathroom to check their hair, Phil checking to make sure Dan has keys, the spider checking and joking... I mean.

4:13 - more throwback conversation to DITL London

4:35 - so glad he chose not to lick his hand. Even more horrifying in 2021.

4:40 - Dan talked about this and falling up the escalator in What not to do on Public Transport

5:00 - “bit corporate isn’t it?” but caves immediately because Phil wants to. 

5:10 -  Love that Phil orders while Dan finds a table. Love that Phil makes Dan draw something happy not just a sad face. Love Dan’s huge smile after that.

5:33 - Dan really can’t say much he was reading his phone in the clip right before this!

5:58 - Dan’s talking about this weird incident that Phil posted a clip of on LessAmazingPhil

6:18 - they always go to at least one nerdy shop in the first DITLs!

6:36 - the things they choose to zoom in on in this shop...Dan with Spiderman’s crotch a few seconds before this and now Phil on the shirtless guy book cover. subtle, lol.

7:29 - I had actually heard of this board game prior to this video because Wil Wheaton did a TableTop episode. I remember being so surprised to see DNP wanting it!

7:39 - Phil and his weird people encounters. 😂 And Dan just mocking him for it.

7:59 - they did, in fact, go to see Matilda the next summer.

8:10 - oh my god this clock scene. Of course Phil wants to make a game of it. And then Dan with the seemingly slight fudging of what he was pointing at. And this look and then both of them giggling. 👀

8:32 - that start of Dan’s running! This is around the time or shortly after he had started to see a therapist (according to the timeline he gave in Daniel and Depression), so thinking he probably wanted to start for his mental health.

9:11 - Dan talks about the “guy wearing the white sheet in Manchester” in What not to do In Town. Their reminiscing faces are too much.

9:19 - Phil is so excited about this. He had tweeted a couple times in the past about Moomins (1, 2)

9:37 - the excitement about the treats and the festive drinks and decorations and Phil’s teasing 😭

10:04 - they film fairly often in the back of cars and I just feel like must be so awkward, but it doesn’t seem to bother them. And Phil’s hair is quiffed again!

10:28 - and the stairs song! Which they are too prepared for so it must be a regular thing they say/sing. This video has SO MANY moments that I love.

10:51 - Phil just sitting while Dan hauls the tree box out. Maybe Dan lost rock-paper-scissors.

10:59 - reminiscing about THE TREE now, which is the last time they decorated on camera

11:09 - why is this a common theme in DITLs!? lol. Love that they’ve lit the candle again after getting home.

11:22 - “stop doing that” as he can’t control his giggles. sure.

12:03 - okay, Phil had to go get the other decorations! The “Christmas faces” are slightly horrifying

12:22 - that is the most horrifying. also, Dan and Phil themed toys/decor even in the bathroom.

13:02 - Dan’s little messed up piece of hair in the back is so cute. Also love that they have the garlands up and everything at this point too.

13:19 - even more quiff-Phil!

13:31 - their fridge contents are not great

14:04 - unexpected filming but a huge grin anyway from Phil. Also, how do they make just answering the door so awkward, lol. Also: what is that picture in the background in the bathroom(?)

14:32 - they’re so excited about this set up and dinner plan

14:43 - and now glasses Phil! Also, arguing about wrapping neatness. I love it. Although when we see Phil’s wrapping in a minute, I think I might agree with Dan...

15:03 - PJ will end up with one of these face banks

15:10 - Phil came up with some decent gifts for Kath this time, although he didn’t think she had good ideas.

15:18 - I find it so cute that Dan wants to keep the cookbook

15:30 - Dan looks almost embarrassed to share this. He’s also got something “12 Days of Christmas” themed in that blue box on the chair. Although apparently a lot of his family just wanted money.

15:37 - I have no words for Dan filming this closeup and then them choosing to keep it in the video.

16:16 - Phil’s trying to be all serious with his wrapping tutorial and then the tape just immediately falls. 😂

16:40 - “it’s endearing” Dan does look pretty endeared, lol. Dan’s concerned because the face banks are actually gifts from both of them, at least according to PJ

17:04 - wow, Vine mention

17:25 - Dan’s just expecting Phil to come up with a great pun on the spot. Also, the lobster thing is an old reference.

17:39 - I think I mentioned this in the last DITL post, but I like that we do see even in a short video that they spend some time alone. That’s just so normal, especially for introverts even when you’re that comfortable with someone.

17:45 - Phil will keep reading that book over the holidays

17:48 - we did see the inside of the chest. So what is Dan implying here, lol.

17:52 - well then. Dan’s giggly face though.

18:08 - soft piano Dan 😭

18:25 - Ariana Grande had sent them both cat ears after they met her for the radio show

18:37 - a glimpse at the early gaming channel set-up.

18:46 - we don’t actually see that footage in the gaming video

18:51 - it must be pretty late at night by this point considering it was dark when they came home 

19:15 - Phil’s first instinct is to throw it of course

19:18 - this face and the sweater paws. I can’t. 😭

19:25 - and of course a joint ending. 

19:40 - Dan is so sleepy and happy seeming here

20:13 - awwww 🥺 The last video of 2014!

One difference from the first two DITL is they don’t even pretend that they’re going to see other friends/invite someone over. Just the two of them hanging out and they seem quite happy with that. This is probably the most “domestic” of the DITL videos. I love it so much.

Phil went to his parents’ on the 23rd to celebrate Christmas. He had Swedish food, was very excited as usual, got a stocking with a toothbrush and animal socks, and watched Guardians of the Galaxy. Dan went to his family’s on the evening of the 24th after a candle incident (lol, though I love that he was burning the candles even without Phil there. He started the tradition of yearly Christmas pictures of Colin. And also posted this.

On to the 2015 videos, and the start of the TABINOF/TATINOF era!

[3wisellamas]

(Spoilers ahead! Read at your own risk if you haven't finished chapter 2 yet!)

Kris is the Knight, Gaster is the Knight, Ralsei is sus...

How about I throw an oddball one at you? What if Dess is the Knight?

In chapter 2, Queen implied that only a Lightner can actually create more dark fountains, and literally any Lightner can if they have enough determination and a blade of some kind. And she was VERY interested in Noelle specifically for the task, touting her strength and potential, without even considering the other three Lightners right in front of her.

Noelle was Dess' younger sister. And from context in this chapter, it looks a lot like whatever happened to her, happened when Noelle was very young -- before her first spelling bee, at least, since that's where she froze up (pun not intended) on the word 'December.' But, the most important part, we don't know WHAT exactly happened to Dess. One could assume she died, either in an accident or of whatever illness Rudy has, but as others have pointed out, there's no grave for her in the graveyard. And, like, yeah, she could've been buried elsewhere, but the simplest conclusion to draw from that is that she's still alive, but either went missing or ran away from home.

She was also stated a couple times to be close to Asriel, even going to the bunker with him, Kris, and Noelle at one point. (Remember, the latter two would still have been very young children at this point, and Dess and Asriel might have been teens, around the age Kris, Noelle, and Susie are now.) And from that one scene with MK and Snowy, we know that something very bad happened there once involving Kris...perhaps this was a reference to that same event?

If so...what if the four of them opened the bunker, and Dess went inside? Or maybe Kris even went in too, and Dess went after them to bring them back? It's pretty much a given that there's gonna end up being a Dark World inside, there's just too much building up to it at this point, so if either of them went in, they'd have a hell of a time getting back out! Kris came back, perhaps even traumatized into the weird kid they are today from the experience, but Dess ended up lost in the dark...a lost girl.

(Hm, wasn't that Noelle's song? I don't think it was really Noelle's at all. Sure, she got kidnapped a couple times, but at no point was she ever "lost"...)

So, here's where I'm going right off the deep end into conjecture. Dess disappeared, and since Asriel was so close to her, he begged his father, police chief Asgore, to find her, which he never did, and might have even tried a few things that ended up getting him fired. Like, maybe even going into the bunker himself, experiencing the Dark World within, and coming back and making all these crazy claims that no one else believed except for maybe his children? That'd definitely be reason to remove him as chief of police, and also affect his and Toriel's marriage.

So, after this, Asriel, a Lightner stricken with grief and Determined to find his friend...went to the dark supply closet at his school, armed with a knife (and maybe his little sibling's old red horn headband, if you want to incorporate the theory that that's where Ralsei came from), and stabbed the ground.

Bam, dark fountain, and Ralsei's kingdom. Unlile Dess, though, Asriel came back, not having found her either, and eventually moved on and grew up, but the fountain he made persisted -- after all, while any Lightner may be able to create a fountain, Ralsei implies very early in chapter 1 that only a human like Kris can actually SEAL them!

But, this is a theory about Dess, not Asriel. Just making one fountain might make you a knight, but not The Knight -- lookin' at Kris here. At some point, Dess, still lost somewhere in the Dark World, either gets desperate to find a way out and return home, enough to try and cover EVERYTHING in darkness despite the danger it poses, or...grows to like it there, a little too much, sorta like what Susie brought up at the end of chapter 2, making more fountains so the whole world can be as fun as it is in there. Whatever the reason, Dess realizes she can create more fountains, and, Determined, goes ahead and does so. And she spends a little time in each of the worlds she creates, manipulating events to serve her desires to reach the Light World again or cover it in darkness, and even telling a few specific people, who are lonely outcasts just like her, about her home outside of that world, and the things she's learned in her time away from it all. Things she may or may not have learned herself from a certain odd man hiding behind trees in secret rooms, and giving away eggs...

Or, another possibility, she's doing it all to try and lure the people she used to know to her by creating Dark Worlds where she thinks they'd be, like, say, her sister, and her sister's friend Kris, and possibly even Asriel -- remember, the first happened to be straight-up connected to the Dark World in the school supply closet. Man, it's 2021. We ALL know just how crazy being isolated from everyone you know for so long can make you, and Dess has been lost for YEARS. But, however lost we feel as we explore all the different Dark Worlds, don't forget, she's with us in the dark...

Also, one last kicker that I couldn't really stop thinking about. The Fun Gang/F$?! Squad/Whatever are supposed to banish the "Angel's Heaven", right? Well, didn't Dess and Noelle make an angel for their dad once, which is in his hospital room? And if everyone speculates she's dead after being missing for all these years, that makes her an Angel...and the Dark Worlds she creates are her Heaven.

Okay, one last LAST kicker, since I was replaying the start of chapter 1 as I was writing this and noticed it. The Knight jailed the other three kings of the classroom Dark World and put King Spade and his "strange son" into power, right? And might have even stayed around the castle for a little while to help steer the King's actions towards the Light World, and mess with Jevil?

Guys, Lancer knows the Knight. Personally. He would have said something by now if the Knight was in our party, or if we encountered them in either of the Dark Worlds we visited. So, the Knight is definitely NOT someone we've seen yet. Furthermore...remember when we first met the kid, and his catchphrase was "Ho ho ho!" And how Susie told him he sounded like a baby Santa Claus? Wouldn't it be a nice little coincidence if he picked that up from someone literally named December, whose entire family is Christmas-themed...

[monsterfuneral]

sparks in the rain | bill and ted | ch. 2

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Coming Soon

Relationship: Poly!Bill and Ted x Fem!Reader

Summary: A malfunction with the booth lands Bill and Ted into the most peculiar situation they’ve been in, stuck in the year 2021 standing in front of a woman they never thought they’d meet. 

Words: 1.5

Warnings/Tags: nothing

Author’s Note: After like actually outlining this a little more, I think this story will end up being one of my favorites I’ve written.

REQUESTS OPEN | MASTERLIST

(please read my “I do NOT write” section before sending in anything <3)

---

This was the most unusual day for both Bill and Ted. Sure they had experienced mishaps with the booth, and sure they had also met people that they vaguely knew about. But they had never met someone that knew about them. Especially when it came to an on screen babe like Armageddon Lady, who had totally been Bill’s biggest crush for a majority of his teenage years. Not that he’d admit that to anyone other than Ted though. And here she was in the weirdest of coincidences, standing right in front of them. 

“What?” Ted asked dumbly as he heard the girl in front of them blurt their names. His brain struggled to keep up with the situation. 

“Dude she totally knows who we are somehow!” Bill said with an almost starstruck look on his face, his eyes sparkling in amazement. 

You stayed silent though, staring at them like a deer in the headlights. Your mouth agape as you, like Ted, tried to process what you was going on. While running into celebrities in the middle of your apartment complex was one thing that would never happen, seeing two movie characters that you liked standing just seven feet away from you was next to impossible… No it was impossible. 

You had to be dreaming still. A very vivid dream where you were going to the crafts store to pick up a new set of markers, before suddenly running into Bill and Ted of all people... In a dream. There was literally no other logical explanation. 

“Woah, you look like you’re going to hurl, Miss. Armageddon Lady, dude- babe.” Bill stumbled on his words like a nervous child talking to his first crush. Which honestly wasn’t far from the truth. 

“I- This isn’t real.” You concluded, finally removing your hand from inside of your purse and straightening your back. You were almost tempted to just turn around and walk back into your apartment, but you didn’t. Instead you thought over the jumbled words Bill had said to you, something sticking out more than anything else. “Why do you keep calling me that?” You asked, your brows drawing together as you looked at the blonde for answers who looked at you with widened eyes. 

Ted suddenly remembered something Rufus had told them not too long ago, alternative universes and whatnot, where things are different from their world but can also connect somehow. He talked about how sometimes the booth can malfunction and send them rocking into another circuit without them even noticing. That’s probably how they ended up here! 

“Bill... I don’t think we’re in our world anymore.” Ted chimed before Bill could even attempt to come up with a sufficient answer that would satisfy you. 

“What?” Bill asked, looking up at Ted. 

“Yeah! Remember the thing Rufus told us a few months back?” 

“Don’t over-tighten the guitar strings because they could break?” Bill answered, bringing up an entirely different conversation they had with Rufus. 

Ted shook his head looking behind his shoulder and to the still sparking booth “No dude! The whole alternate dimension thingy.” 

“OH YEAH!” 

You watched the both of them converse, your own brain still trying to catch up with the bizarre situation, still not entirely convinced this wasn’t a dream. You tried pinching your arm a few times, at least testing it out to see if that trick even worked, but you were still standing in the same place right in front of them. It was all so much to process at once and so early in the day, even though it may have been 11am, it was still too much. 

“So you really didn’t put in the wrong number then.” 

“I told you so Bill!” 

They paused, smiling at each other before both shouting “Excellent!” in unison before air guitaring. The action was all too familiar but unfortunately missed the overlapping guitar that would play when they did it. Both boys stared at each other for a second afterwards, beaming smiles still ontheir faces. Their stare lasted a beat longer than you were used to seeing on screen. 

A shiver wracked through your body, the jacket you had not shielding you from the cold that the rain brought like you had hoped it would. You clutched your arms, pulling them a little tighter to your chest. It only continued to solidify the fact that this was probably real and not a dream at all, like you had thought. I mean, sure you had considered the possibility of fictional universes being real, who hasn’t? But it was just a theory you played into half-heartedly but never considered it to actually be true. 

A hand waved in front of your face, jolting from your deep train of thought where everything you previously thought was impossible could be and it was just too much. Reality as you knew it was both expanding and collapsing all at the same time. 

“You good, other dimension babe?” Bill asked, a small smile on his face as you stared at him with wide eyes.

Ted tilted his head as he watched you curiously. Sure you looked like Armageddon Lady and her actress, but you were neither, you just looked like them. He had an easier time accepting this as a reality than you did though, already having his experience with the impossible. But you looked like you were about to explode from the overload of information. He felt sympathetic. He thought back to a conversation he had with Rufus a year after their first time traveling in the booth, remembering how Rufus told him how he had seen others cope with the discovery of time travel, how some people just could not handle the information and it literally drove them to insanity. Ted would feel like such a dick if that happened to you, even if he didn’t know you. 

“I-” You started, abruptly stopping as you tried to piece your words together “I think so?” You clutched the strap to your purse a little harder, blunt nails digging into the leather slightly “This is all just… A lot to process.” 

“That’s okay!” Ted reassured softly with a wide grin, his hair falling in front of his eyes slightly as he nodded and looked down at Bill who was also nodding along. 

Your fingers were starting to feel numb and you shifted on your feet for the first time since you were stopped in your tracks. Your knees felt stiff from not moving for so long and you were shaking a lot more than you thought, the cold starting to deep into your bones and making your teeth chatter. You were sure they weren’t feeling any better as they were both wearing short sleeved shirts, and Bill was wearing a crop top. 

“I know you guys don’t know me but it’s freezing out here and it’s supposed to get colder.” You said looking back at your apartment door, trying to draw your coat closer around you “Would you like to come inside? I can make some coffee-” You watched Bill pull a face at the mention of the bitter beverage “Or some hot chocolate, up to you.” 

“Sounds great.” Ted answered, glancing behind him once more at the booth before back at you, “Lead the way!” 

The warmth of your apartment was more welcoming than the quickly dropping temperature outside. The rain clouds had left the sky dark and your living room was close to being pitch black. You carefully maneuvered past the couch and over the bean bags that were carelessly strewn across the floor in front of the TV stand. You felt for the pull-chain underneath the lamp shade, the black tassels tickling against your forearm. Finally your fingers grasped around the thin chain, gently yanking it and letting the light finally fill most of the room. The large leg lamp glowed on the small table tucked in the corner of your living room. A lovely gag gift you had been rewarded on christmas a year or two before at a friend’s party. While A Christmas Story was very much an overplayed movie on the holiday’s and certainly not your favorite, you still enjoyed the gift. Finding it pretty cool that someone had gone through the effort of getting something like this as the winner’s gift.

“Woah...” One of the boy’s muttered from behind your couch. You turned around and gave them a small smile, walking over to the other side of the living room to turn on the other lamp so the room was fully lit up and you weren’t going to trip over your own feet by accident. 

“Pretty neat huh?” You asked, always finding people’s reactions to the infamous lamp rather funny.

They both looked at you simultaneously, their eyes sparkling in wonder.

“You’re so cool…” Ted whispered. 

You let out a quiet laugh, trying to push down the heat that had suddenly started to rise up your neck, to your cheeks, and finally finishing at your ears. Never in your life did you think you could be receiving praise from Ted Theodore Logan himself. This really felt like it was too good to be true. 

“Thanks.” You replied, turning your back to them so they didn’t catch on to your flustered state. “So, how about that hot chocolate?” You asked, walking over to the white cabinet that held your collection of mugs.

[fallen-in-dreams]

Rumours

Also on AO3. Pairing: Gaara/Sakura. Summary: Sakura overhears a spicy rumour about her relationship with Gaara and their friendship will never be the same again. GaaSaku. Canonish. Prompt: Week 1: Dating. Rated: T. Words: 4,433. Status: Complete.

Author note: My first of the weekly prompts for the tumblr GaaSaku Events. *Cross your fingers that I can do all of the ones I'm trying to finish.* Enjoy. ^_^

Warnings/tags: Just some mild angst and mentions of ShikaTema.

This is for the 2021 GaaSaku Event @gaasaku-fanfests​. I seem to be posting for events late or barely on time this year. Sorry. :)

.

  .:.

“Sometimes your heart sees what your eyes can’t.”

.

  It was supposed to be just another harmless outing. Sakura often took Gaara with her when she went shopping for presents. He was so hopeless at remembering birthdays and holidays like Christmas that she was doing him a favour by dragging him around with her.

And picking out gifts from both of them.

She hadn’t really thought there was anything wrong with that. Or that anyone would read more into it than it really was. Of course, the Kazekage spending time with a foreign kunoichi would get everyone’s attention, but like all exciting new things it would get old, and they’d soon move onto other things.

This was why, all these months on from their first public shopping outing, Sakura was still brushing off the curious glances as she pulled Gaara along, by the sleeve of his work robes. Twelve months she’d been in Suna. Six were spent aiding in a joint training of medical personnel as a part of a healing exchange program to further relations, and then eight weeks as the head of the hospital because Gaara was adamant nobody was doing it better. The last four months had been her lazy months, which consisted of her usual physical training regimen but also acting like a tourist and dragging Gaara along for the ride. So just what she’d been doing before, minus the teaching and hospital visits. Sakura had already achieved what she’d set out to do in this mission, but it hadn’t even crossed her mind to cut her time here short.

And she was finally used to being a constant source of scrutiny for the people of Wind. So here she was, for the second time this week, dragging Gaara out of his office on the rare occasion that he didn’t have either a shit load of paperwork or overdue training of his own to do.

The retailer looked up at them as they stepped into her shop, then smiled and bowed lightly.

“Welcome, Lord Kazekage. Haruno-san.”

“Kitana-san,” Sakura addressed her quickly before tugging on Gaara. He obediently followed and as usual, she did not notice the knowing smile of the elderly woman as she led the redhead around. Her eyes perused the rows of trinkets instead. They were supposed to be getting an engagement present for Temari and Shikamaru. It had been three weeks since the date for their party had been announced and nothing seemed to be good enough.

“Maybe we should get them each a present,” she thought out loud. “What do you think, Gaara?”

His eyes widened slightly. “One from each of us?”

“No, I mean one each from both of us.” He still looked confused. “A total of two presents,” she added, and he nodded. She didn’t remark on how he had stiffened and then relaxed at her words. Gaara was just weird like that.

“Ino got them a weird sex toy,” she said, rubbing her cheek with her finger as Gaara’s face turned pink. “Uh, and I think Hinata said she wanted to get her some wind scrolls.” Her friends’ letters had been all over the place. Everyone was excited that Temari and Shikamaru had finally gotten official and were moving their relationship forward.

“I…uh.” He crossed his arms over his chest, which was actually more of a nervous habit for him these days. “Well… we can do better.”

She giggled and locked arms with him. “Of course. I was thinking,” she said as they moved through the shop slowly. “Temari’s always gotta pretend to be this tough, warrior woman. But I’ve smelled the candles coming from her room. I was thinking of bath salts, but it isn’t a good gift for Shikamaru. But that was before this whole individual gift idea.”

Gaara thought that Shikamaru could use a decent salt bath. They could use it together. The idea of it made him blush and he pointedly avoided eye contact with Sakura as she babbled on about clothes accessories. Apparently, Shikamaru had once confessed to her that he thought belts were interesting.

“Maybe bath salts and candles.” Gaara said, interrupted her gushing about the embroidery on a handmade belt. “His & Hers style.”

Sakura squeezed his arm affectionately. “Brilliant idea.”

She pulled him along gently, not needing to tug too hard because he was fine with following her lead. This shop was mostly popular among young women and older couples. Their wares ranged from scented candles to antique dolls and handmade clothes.

“What do you think about this one?” Sakura asked, taking a strange bust off a shelf. Maybe his mind just went to stationery too quickly, but it just looked like an oversized paper weight to him.

“No good?” She asked when Gaara didn’t respond. He sighed and she tossed it aside. “Okay, next odd little smelly thing.”

He let out a light chuckle at that. Gaara pointed out a few more ideas and they half-heartedly argued over them. They picked up a few bath salts anyway, since Sakura was interested in some for herself, before leaving the story without a present for his sister and future brother-in-law.

“We’ll just have to keep looking,” Sakura said, nodding to herself as they made their way through the crowds of the downtown market. She was oblivious to the interested stares and giggling children.

Truth be told, Gaara was fine with letting Sakura make the decision for him. He hadn’t had to worry about choosing gifts for almost a year and he was happy with that. Growing up with no childhood had ensured he had little experience in the matter, but she was a good teacher when it came to social situations.

They agreed their last chance for a good gift would be the ninja resource store on the edge of the market. Such a place would normally not be in the civilian district, but the proprietors were very good at preventing civilians from buying shinobi utensils. Gaara bought an ornate spear from them two years ago that had been imported from the Land of Iron. He’d started collecting special weapons and suggested to Sakura that they have something ordered in.

It would solve the problem and save time. Not that he wasn’t enjoying himself. Gaara looked forward to these outings more than he was willing to admit out loud.

“Geez.” She hip-butted him. “You’re full of great suggestions today.”

Sakura watched as he blushed and mumbled about looking for something for himself in the shop and as he wandered away, this gave her the perfect time to sneak away. She knew full well he was collecting unique weapons and had one in mind for him. It wasn’t a gift for any special occasion, and she didn’t bother guying things for his siblings unless it was for something in particular, but Sakura couldn’t help herself with Gaara. Her friendship with him was on another level compared with Kankuro and Temari.

When it came to birthdays, Christmas, or just her wanting him to have something special, she’d long ago stopped agonising over the “what does one even buy a kage who doesn’t seem to want anything?” question. Personal gifts that showed she knew him were always well-received. He still had the katana shaped candlestick ornament that she’d bought him for his birthday, sitting in his study. Temari said he never lit it up, which to anyone who knew him, meant he loved it. It would never get used and therefore last.

Sakura kept one eye on where Gaara was in the shop at all times, and the other on the aisle of antique weapons as she perused. That was how she ended up standing in an aisle listening to two gossiping kunoichi. She’d just been minding her own business, looking over a row of ornamental kunai, when the voices carried over to her from the other side of the shelf she was leaning toward.

When she heard her own name being uttered, Sakura peered through the gaps in the shelf. They were a couple of chunin and either had below average sensory skills and didn’t notice her or didn’t care that she was eavesdropping. Sakura didn’t recognise them, so they definitely weren’t a part of the medical units she’d trained, nor did they frequent the hospital. They were also both staring off in the direction that Sakura knew Gaara to be.

The blonde giggled. "Lord Kazekage dotes on Sakura-san, it’s so cute! They just have to be dating!"

The brunette nodded. “Of course. But why haven’t they announced it?”

“Because they’re shy, silly.”

“Yeah right.”

“I’m serious. Minamo said everyone’s talking about it.”

“He’s probably still innocent I bet.”

Sakura rolled her eyes. It was so weird to hear people claiming she had a romantic relationship with Gaara while discussing whether or not he had sexual experience. But it was just a couple of awe struck chunin (and the claim of some random friend of theirs). She decided to turn away but stilled at the next line out of the blonde’s mouth.

“Maybe Sakura-san took his v-card,” the girl snickered, much to the appreciation of the other chunin. “Can you just imagine?”

Sakura flushed from head to toe, struggling to hold her composure. She didn’t want to imagine that. Her heart might just explode. Sure, Gaara was… attractive. But would she have sex with him? He was her friend. They’d never been anything other than friends.

Not that I would want more, she told herself, holding a hand to her chest.

“I bet he’d be a tender lover,” the other girl said, sighing deeply. “Haruno-san is so lucky.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the blonde said, a devious look on her face. “I think Lord Gaara’s hit the jackpot too. Sakura-san has all that medical knowledge about the body. Imagine what she could do with it.”

“Like what?”

“Get his blood pumping. Warm him up. You know,” the blonde waggled her eyebrows and they both giggled. “She’d have him hard in no time!”

They giggled again and the brunette snorted before covering her mouth, mortified at herself.

Sakura stood there like a stunned mullet as they turned away from watching Gaara and started giggling and whispering among themselves. What the hell had she just heard?

“Sakura.”

She spun on the spot, startled. She hadn’t noticed his approaching chakra, engrossed in the conversation she was overhearing. Sakura turned beet red. He looked concerned when she opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. When he made to move toward her, Sakura went into panic mode, charging at him and grabbing his arm. She ushered Gaara away, hoping he hadn’t heard any of that conversation. Knowing him, he wouldn’t even realise what they were talking about.

Gaara leaned in to whisper in her ear, “I found something special for you” and Sakura let out an involuntary sound she’d never heard before.

“Are you okay?”

Am I okay?

Two random chunin had just inserted mental images of her having sex with Gaara into her head. She was not okay. But she nodded anyway, not wanting to explain why her heart was now thumping. Blood rushing to her head. His hand fell to the small of her back. The warmth of his touch had never been more prominent than it was right now as he added a slight pressure to steer her toward the front counter. He wasn’t pushing her. Gaara never pushed her. He was always kind to her. It was so stimulating when he did that.

Feelings she’d kept buried for almost twelve months started bubbling to the surface and Sakura wasn’t prepared for the onslaught. How could she have forgotten this? Suddenly, she remembered the first time his touch had affected her. They’d known each other for years and two weeks into her long-term mission to Suna, she’d been lonely and exhausted when quite suddenly, Sakura realised those warm and fuzzies she’d been feeling were directed at a certain Kazekage. Her twenty-first birthday had come and gone, and she didn’t have any life goals other than revolutionising the medical world. It was a great goal. Professionally.

But after an innocent comment from Hinata about her love life, her birthday had gone from celebrations of “I have my whole life ahead of me” to morose “I’m going to die alone” thoughts, which were reflected in her spending the rest of the night drunk and being shadowed by Ino who was worried she might bring down a building or two, in her destructive angst.

Gaara continued to watch her as she worked through her mental problems but said nothing. He didn’t need to tell her he was concerned. It was written all over his face. It was just another thing she loved about him.

“Let me take you home,” he said. That deep voice of his made her shiver. Sakura felt her body flush again when she heard giggling behind her. (Were those girls following them now?) There was no way they hadn’t heard that.

After a few moments, he started rubbing her back in what he obviously thought was a soothing manner and she blinked heavily at him. Right. She needed to get out of here.

She cleared her throat. “Sure,” she said, her voice a little strained. Out of habit, she wrapped her arm around his. He was a lifeline as she tried to sort out her dysfunctional thoughts. The chunin girls’ conversation had opened a can of worms and she didn’t know how to put them back in.

Sakura glanced backwards in time to catch the women whispering behind their hands and staring at her and Gaara unabashedly. When had her outings with Gaara started such salacious rumours?

And more importantly: why did these people think they were dating?

  .:.

  “Gimme a screaming orgasm!”

Kankuro took the seat next to Sakura as she made her order to the bartender and chuckled.

“You might want to tone that drink down a little,” Kankuro said with a wink. “Gaara might get jealous.”

“Ugh!” Sakura groaned. “Not you too!”

“Whatever do you mean?”

She pointed a finger at him. “You all are talking about me behind my back. Starting rumours and talking about my sex.”

Kankuro snorted. “Your what?”

“I’m a joke, Kankuro-chan.”

“Please don’t call me that.” He grimaced.

She sighed. “What are you doing here?”

Kankuro waved a hand at the bartender. “Another screaming orgasm, please.”

Sakura snorted. “You’re getting more than I am, then.”

He chuckled. “Never delved into the local cuisine since you got here?”

Well, there was this one guy she danced and flirted with the first weekend after she started this mission, but her burgeoning feelings for the Kazekage wouldn’t let her do anything more. She wasn’t a slut and she appreciated that Gaara wasn’t one of those guys that slept around and used their testosterone to excuse it, either. So, she’d been able to settle into routine with him. Friends who gravitated toward each other. Friends who had dinner with each other (alone) quite often. Friends who decided important decisions together instead of alone. Friends who rarely had eyes for anyone else. Friends who didn’t have lives outside of each other...

She groaned and dropped her head on the bar. The awareness of her situation was painful. She wished she could go back to being oblivious. Because it was clear now that Sakura had been accidentally dating Gaara for almost twelve months. Did he know? Or was he as oblivious as her? Everyone had noticed apparently, according to two chunin and their friend. Did Kankuro and Temari know.

“I’m secretly but not secretly dating Gaara,” she mumbled. “And I didn’t know.”

Apparently, even though her face was pressed into the bar, Kankuro had heard her.

“I didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret.”

Sakura groaned again. “We’re not dating!”

“Uh-huh.” He clearly didn’t believe her. “Going back and forth then. You’re in denial.”

“Why are you here?” He didn’t respond and Sakura lifted her head up slowly. “Kankuro?”

“He’s lonely,” he said, staring into his drink thoughtfully. “I know everyone thinks Gaara’s put together and doesn’t need anything more in life than family and friends. But I know that under that oblivious and calm exterior that he’s a romantic at heart. He wants what you two have. But he just doesn’t know how to go about getting it.”

She frowned at him. His seriousness was giving her a bad feeling. Everything had come together so quickly, and she wasn’t even sure what to do with her feelings yet, let alone whatever Gaara might be feeling.

“He’s a bit clueless.”

That was an understatement. Sakura used to think he wasn’t clueless, since he often said things with such confidence that she believed he was more aware than he let on. But then moments like that day in the shop with the chunin girls and Gaara seemed completely oblivious to what was going on. She had no idea what to think of him anymore.

It was why she’d been ignoring him. She couldn’t handle the idea that he might actually return her feelings. She was a coward.

Kankuro put his drink down and patted her on the back. “Just… don’t hurt him, okay?”

Right. Easier said than done.

  .:.

  There were many things Gaara was good at. And so many things he sucked at.

He was proficient with multiple types of weapons and political nuances. But in matters of the heart, he found that he still hadn’t learned anything. He had no idea why Sakura was avoiding him and why his siblings were being more careful about how they talk to him. It felt like it had been back when he housed Shukaku and went on rampages.

The knock on his door startled him and Gaara debated ignoring that chakra signature out of spite but gave in and called her in.

“Gaara?”

He looked up and the slight drop in her smile told him that she’d seen the hurt in his eyes. She’d been avoiding him, and they both knew it.

“I need to tell you something.”

Gaara swallowed heavily and braced himself. Her contract in Suna had only a few weeks left but since the particulars of the mission had already been fulfilled, she was free to leave at any time, if she wanted to. This made his hear race. More than anything he didn’t want her to go. He enjoyed her company and valued her friendship. What he truly wanted from her was more than that and it had taken him months of going along with her intrusion into his life for him to realise what that “more than that” meant for him.

Gaara wanted to date her. He wanted to be doing all the things with her that Temari did with Shikamaru and that Kankuro was currently trying to do with Matsuri. And for that to happen, she had to stay in Suna.

Temari and Shikamaru are dating and he’s still living in Konoha, he begrudgingly reminded himself.

But he didn’t care.

Gaara sat back in his office chair as Sakura closed the door behind herself and shuffled her feet, twiddling her thumbs. She was nervous. And worried about his reaction. He attempted to smile and shift his body language to put her at ease. It seemed to work and before he knew it, she was approaching him with a sad smile and sitting down across the table from him.

“Gaara…”

“Does this have something to do with why you’ve been avoiding me?”

She nodded, biting her bottom lip. “I, uh… found out something. And kind of overreacted to it, got drunk, and took it out on Kankuro.”

Gaara couldn’t help the snort that accompanied a chuckle. “Story of my life.”

She smiled a little wider now. “It does seem easy to do that.”

“Did you hit him?”

“A little. In the training grounds,” she added quickly. “He’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

She went back to twiddling her thumbs.

“You wanted to tell me something.”

Sakura nodded. “There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just come right out and say it. The whole village thinks we’re dating.” She paused to see his reaction, but he just stared, stone faced at her. “And uh… we kind of have been.”

“All the outings and joint gift giving.” Not to mention how he treated her so preciously in public.

Sakura frowned. There was no question in his voice, just his usual factual tone. He wasn’t surprised. “You knew?”

Slowly, he nodded.

“Why… why didn’t you say anything?”

He blinked heavily and lowered his gaze to the table. Parchments were lined neatly across it as he rarely let them fall out of place. The only matter in his life that Gaara let get messy were his relationships. They were inherently messy, so he had no problem dealing with them as such. Which was why he was so anal about everything else.

“Gaara?”

Gaara didn't seem to want to explain himself.

He didn’t want to deny or confirm that he may or may not be dating the Fifth Hokage's protégé, to the public. He let the rumours spread and did nothing to quell them. Gaara had even played up to them which he’d known was wrong but couldn’t help himself. There was no way that admitting this to Sakura would go well for him. Perhaps he could inform her over time, but right now the realisation of what had been going on was too raw for her.

And she could see his hesitation for what it was. Avoidance of setting the record straight. Sakura frowned. Was it because of appearances? Or something more personal? It could be embarrassment. She knew he’d grown up with little human contact, none of which would’ve prepared him for adult relationships. It left him in the lurch for so many important social interactions.

But why wouldn’t he want to fix this? It would look bad for the village if the Kazekage was pretending to date someone. Especially since she was going home in a few weeks. Her heart clenched at that, and she had to close her eyes to stop herself from losing control. Sakura had only just allowed herself to remember and acknowledge that she’d developed feelings for Gaara months ago, she didn’t want to break down in front of him now.

Why didn’t he tell me?

What was he playing at?

Maybe it was because he liked her? Sakura felt her skin flush at that. No. It was probably pride or indolence. Likely, he didn’t fully understand the ramifications.

“He’s a bit clueless.”

Had Kankuro meant that romantically? Or sexually? Or perhaps socially? She bit her bottom lip as Gaara turned his head away. The skin along his neck was tinged pink and his face looked slightly flushed.

All of the above, then.

Maybe he really was too embarrassed to push back at the rumours. Gossip was a poison though. In order to successfully rebuke it, you had to do so fast. And with the truth, not silence or denial on their own. Sakura knew this from experience back when she was still listening to Ino’s ramblings about Sasuke. This rumour had run its full course and nothing short of a very public breakup would get them out of it.

“Is it…” he started slowly, breaking her out of her thoughts. Gaara looked up to catch her gaze. “Is it really so bad?”

Is the idea of us really so horrible?

She heard that unsaid question loud and clear.

Sakura stood up and circled the table to stand in front of him as he swivelled on his chair to face her. “No.”

Gaara smiled. But it didn’t reach his eyes.

“You want this?” She asked.

This was the moment of truth. He could lie and revert their relationship to the way it was before, except with them being more conscious about not appearing to be a couple. Or he could take a hold of her and ask for the one thing that had been plaguing him for months. He swallowed heavily and she watched the way his Adam’s apple bobbed. Was it weird to be turned on by that?

“Yes,” he said huskily.

Desperately, yes.

She didn’t react for a moment, just scanning his face. He held his breath, waiting. Then Sakura leant forward, closing her eyes as his widened. But he didn’t pull away as she pressed her lips to his gently. His hands went to her hips as she rested hers on the arms of his chair, caging him in.

Gaara deepened the kiss, making her gasp and then plundered her mouth. He’d never done this before, that much was obvious to her. So, she took control, slowing their pace and sucking on his lips gently when he tried to hasten her. Sakura fell into his lap, her hands tugging at his hair as he wrapped his arms around her waist. As she straddled him, she lost herself to the feel of his body beneath hers and Sakura moaned.

The sound broke their reverie and the Kazekage bit her lip. Without pulling out of their kiss, he sent his sand out to lock the door and knocked everything from his desk with no concern for their wellbeing. Fuck caring about that right now.

Sakura grinned into their kiss as he pushed her back onto the table. This had been the right choice after all.

  .:.

  Sometime later, Sakura emerged from the Kazekage's office to find his siblings nearby, like they’d been waiting to find out the result of her talk with Gaara. She knew she needed to reprimand them, but she was too happy right now to care.

Kankuro raised an eyebrow at her. She looked dishevelled. Like someone had snogged the crap out of her. He fought to keep himself from grinning like an idiot.

“Sakura?”

She cleared her throat and stared down at him. “You’ll be interested to know that Gaara is no longer clueless.”

Temari groaned as the Leaf kunoichi sauntered out of hallway. Kankuro waited until Sakura was out of earshot and gave his sister a shit eating grin then stuck his hand out expectantly.

“I won,” he said.

She scoffed. “No, you didn’t.”

“Hey! I said they’d end up dating!”

Temari shook her head and took a sip of her drink to hide her smirk, then said, “you said they’d sleep together within an hour of resolving this. They clearly just made out.”

“Temari!” Kankuro pouted.

“Not paying up,” she sung, before following Sakura’s lead and sauntering off.

He huffed. Siblings were evil.

  .:.

[thegirlonpeetamellark]

Christmas Break - Part 1

Surprise!! After a looong time away Court returns to Everlark fic world with a little holiday treat for everyone  - enjoy! :)

Hi everyone. So 2020 has sucked. For me, the beginning of quarantine was actually a bit of a gift. Being home gave me the gift of time, something I haven’t had much of as my daughters (who were very little when I started writing in this fandom) have gotten older. While I never stopped writing, it was a struggle to find long enough chunks of time to get into a flow. I started writing again with earnest. Not all of it was my fanfiction; some of it was my original work. El keeps me posted on the humbling and kind asks she gets about my writing. I felt bad that despite my increased writing, I still wasn’t ready to update any WIPs. But I did remember a story I had started for the final holiday PiP that I was never able to get past the first page (due to lack of time that year) and to my surprise, it started flowing. I had every intention of finishing it and having El post it as a gift to this fandom. But once my school went “back” in October and hybrid learning started, that was it. My time was gone. And further, my family experienced the very sudden and non-Covid-related death of my aunt. So while I have nearly half of this story written, it’s not done. But it will be, very soon, since it is a one-shot. As with all my stories, it took on a life of its own and it needs more love. So what I have for the readers who have loyally followed me is the first part, the part that involves Christmas. It’s my hope to have a second part posted in a week or two, so that by the time that part posts, a final part is nearly done. 

Thank you for your asks and your patience, and thank you to El, one of my favorite people in this world and the best thing my time in this fandom has given me. Thank you for your encouragement. Our friendship means the world to me. 

Here’s to a better 2021. Love to you all. Court

Christmas Break

Fuck, not again, Peeta grouses as the opening notes of that insidious Mariah Carey song pipe through the loudspeaker. That’s the third time in the last two hours. He’s all for holiday spirit, but if he never hears this fucking song again it will be too soon.

Leaning his forehead against the cold pane of glass, he peers out of the fourth-story window into the darkened sky. When he had arrived at work a few hours ago, the snow had just been starting to fall; a slow, lazy tumble of flakes. Now it’s coming down in a tumultuous swirl. It figures Panem would finally see a white Christmas his first Christmas Eve on rotation in the emergency room. No doubt the weather is partially to blame for the crush of bodies crowding the waiting room tonight. 

Peeta walks away from the window and opens the cabinet where he stashes his Clif bars. The economy-sized box looks suspiciously closer to empty than it did the other day. He’s heard complaints from other doctors and nurses that snacks are pilfered on a regular basis and was warned to label his own boxes. But he had forgone the warnings. If someone needed an energy bar badly enough to steal one, what was the $20 he had spent on them at Costco. He snags one and unwraps it. 

He’s just raised it to his mouth when his Apple watch pings and his silenced cell phone pulses insistently against his thigh. Heaving a loud sigh, he sets down the energy bar and withdraws the phone from his pocket. 

“Mom, you’ve got exactly 60 seconds,” he grits out. He doesn’t even need to look at the screen to confirm it’s her. She’s called twice already tonight, calls he’s ignored with good reason, but somehow his mother thinks a phone call from her trumps any actual emergencies her doctor son could be dealing with. Which, tonight, have been nonstop since his shift began at six. 

“Please tell me you ate something,” she begins. 

“I was just about to, when you called,” he replies. “I’ve only got a couple of minutes. It’s been utter chaos for the last four hours.” 

“We missed you at dinner. I can’t remember the last Christmas Eve when I didn’t have all three of my boys together.” Peeta closes his eyes. All these years my mother has been gushing about having a doctor in the family, and yet she never stopped to consider the ramifications of actually having a doctor in the family, he thinks. Particularly its impact on holiday gatherings. She obviously hadn’t learned anything from this past Thanksgiving, as now, just a month later, she’s already dumping a fresh guilt trip on him for missing another family dinner.

She continues, “And Jackson and Maxwell were just devastated when they heard you weren’t coming, until I assured them they’d see you tomorrow. We will see you tomorrow, yes?” 

Peeta suppresses another exasperated sigh and breaks off a chunk of the Clif bar. “Yes, Mom, I’ll be there.” And though it’s childish, he crams the bar into his mouth and mumbles around it, “I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” His chewing masks the sarcasm that weighs down the words. 

“Excellent. We need an updated family portrait before Everly and Rye have to leave for her parents’ house.” Placated, his mother moves to ends the call, but not before getting in a less-than-subtle comment about how much she adores his brother Rye’s fiancée and how happy she is Rye is settling down. 

Staring at the disconnected call flashing on the screen, Peeta tries not to let the remark get to him. Mostly because he knows it’s a lie. His mother has complained more than once about Everly and how she’s not good enough for Rye. Peeta knows the dig was directed at him. He hasn’t truly had a serious girlfriend since junior year of college; just a few casual relationships that barely qualified as relationships. He doesn’t know how his mother expects him to meet someone with the hours he keeps. And his father, for as close as they are, never seems willing to jump to Peeta’s defense. 

Taking a deep breath to let his irritation suffuse, he jams his phone back in his pocket and scarfs down the rest of his pathetic dinner. All three bites of it. Then he uses the restroom, dutifully washes his hand, and stalks out of the staff lounge, his short break over.

As he strides up the corridor, he hears loud shouting coming from the ER waiting room. 

“…should be asleep in her bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come, but instead, we’re still here waiting for someone to take a look at her arm! It’s been over two hours! Don’t you people have any compassion? Or is Ebenezer Freaking Scrooge running this place tonight?”

Curious, Peeta veers towards the reception desk, where his eyes land on the ranting woman. She’s young, probably no older than her mid-twenties, and in spite of the fact that her dark hair is spilling out of a messy braid and she’s not wearing any makeup, Peeta is immediately struck by her beauty. The rosy flush to her cheeks from her tirade actually makes her even prettier. She’s cradling a toddler and protectively shielding the little girl’s right arm. The toddler’s blonde head rests on her mother’s shoulder, her thumb wedged into her tiny pink mouth. Her left arm clutches a stuffed orange cat. She looks tired. Actually, both mother and daughter do. 

“Miss, I understand your frustration, I really do,” the receptionist says calmly, her eyes cutting to Peeta as he stops by her side. He reads the name on the file on top of the stack, the next patient scheduled to be seen: MCMURPHY, JOSEPH. Clearly not the little girl in front of him. 

“I don’t think you do!” the young mother cries, her eyes flashing steel. “She’s three, she’s in pain, and she’s scared. And what’s more, I’ve seen at least five people go ahead of us who came in after us!” 

“That’s not how the emergency room works, miss,” the receptionist replies. She drums her fingertips on the desk, offering the young mother a tight smile. 

“It’s Christmas Eve,” the young mother adds, an edge of desperation creeping into her tone. Discreetly, Peeta moves around the receptionist’s chair, scanning the desktop until he spies the stack of files for the patients awaiting admission. While the receptionist continues to give the young mother the run-around, he thumbs through the stack, searching. His eyes land on what he’s looking for: a date of birth. His lips tip up. Bingo. This has to be it: HAWTHORNE, IVY ANN. 

At the exact second his hand snatches Ivy’s file from the pile and slips the other one in amongst the stack, the young mother’s eyes lock on his. Her gaze narrows. He can see the exhaustion all over her beautiful face. Her full lips twitch, her countenance suspicious as they stare at one another. 

“Ivy Hawthorne?” Peeta taps the file he had extricated. An immediate flicker of relief lights the young mother’s mercury eyes, and that lush mouth breaks into a grateful, relieved smile. The receptionist’s neck snaps up. “I’ve got this,” he adds, his tone leaving no room for her to argue with him. It’s not protocol for Peeta to take a patient directly, but it’s also not blatantly against the rules. Sure, it might mean a little more work for him, but if it means he can get this little girl home sooner on Christmas Eve, it’s worth it.

He smiles at the little girl. “Ivy, I’m Doctor Mellark. I’m going to help make you feel better, okay?” She nods once but doesn’t lift her head from her mother’s shoulder. Peeta’s arm sweeps to the side, ushering the young mother and Ivy past the desk. He scans the hallway and spies a partially drawn curtain halfway up the corridor. He leads them to the available partition and close the curtain behind them. As he turns to face them, he nearly slams into the woman. She hasn’t moved, and her luminous grey eyes fasten to his. She looks as if she’s going to say something, but several seconds pass and she’s still quiet, still watching him. The silence starts to become uncomfortable. Peeta clears his throat.  

“If you’d have a seat, please, Mrs. Hawthorne. You can hold her while I get some more information from you.” 

The young woman’s lips part slightly, again appearing as if she wants to say something, but instead she shuffles forward and Peeta waits while she settles on the edge of the hospital bed, gingerly adjusting Ivy so she’s sitting sideways across her mother’s lap. 

Peeta sinks down onto the stool and scoots towards the edge of the bed. This close he has a much better look at Ivy’s mother. She really is a beautiful young woman, and given how adorable Ivy is Peeta assumes her husband is probably also very attractive. He feels a twinge of jealousy. Lucky bastard. Pretty wife, cute kid…probably has a nice little house and a golden retriever too. Living the dream. His dream, if he allows himself to admit it to anyone but his mother. If he was being perfectly honest, he had always envisioned himself married by now. 

“How old are you, Ivy?” he ask, even though he knows from her chart and her mother’s declaration that she’s three years old. She hesitates, and still clutching the stuffed cat, manages to display three fingers. Peeta smiles at her again.

“I have a nephew who is the exact same age as you are. He told me just last week that he’s a big boy now. Are you a big girl, Ivy?” He keeps his tone gentle, hoping it will put her at ease with him. She nods, her big blue eyes lightening imperceptibly. “I thought so. Can you be a big girl and tell me what happened to your arm?” 

Her mother answers automatically, “She fell. I was only gone—” Peeta holds up his palm. He has the triage nurse’s initial assessment, so he knows Ivy’s arm is likely broken. What he doesn’t know is how the arm got broken. And those details he needs to try to get from Ivy herself. Kids her age always tell the truth when it comes to how they were injured, and unfortunately it’s part of Peeta’s job to make sure there isn’t a more sinister reason she’s in the E.R. tonight, no matter how sweet and innocent her mother appears. He’s already had a few encounters with suspected child abuse, though his gut tells him that isn’t the case with Ivy Hawthorne.

“Please. I would like Ivy to tell me how it happened.” 

Something dangerous flints in Ivy’s mother’s now stormy grey eyes.

“She. Fell.” The words are curt, enunciated coolly, but her voice is soft and Peeta can tell she’s keeping her temper in check for the benefit of her daughter. Eyes still pinned to his, she inhales deeply. A second later, her shoulders relax. “Go ahead and tell the nice doctor how you hurt your arm,” she whispers, stroking Ivy’s curls. 

“I was trying to see Santa,” Ivy replies, her tongue tripping in a lisp on the “S’s.” 

“What do you mean by that?” he prompts her. 

Ivy scrunches up her button nose. “I was trying to see up the chimney. ‘Cause the chimney at Aunt Katniss’s house is so skinny and Santa Claus is real fat and I don’t know how he’s gonna fit down it to bring me my presents!” Her blue eyes brim with tears and her lower lip starts to tremble. Peeta reaches over and pats her knee. 

“I wouldn’t worry about that, sweetheart. Santa Claus is magic. He’ll get you your presents, no matter what the chimney looks like.” He exchanges a look with her mother. 

“It was all my fault,” she says quietly. “I went in the kitchen, to get the cookies and milk—”

“And the carrots! For Rudolph and the other reindeer!” Ivy chimes in, her eyes shiny wet. 

“I never should have left her alone, not even for a second. This is my fault. It’s my fault. She wouldn’t have slipped and fallen off the hearth if I had been watching her.” Guilt chokes her words, and it sounds as if she’s close to tears. 

“Accidents happen, Mrs. Hawthorne,” Peeta says empathetically, “that’s why there are emergency rooms.” She presses her lips together, her brows knitting.  

“It’s Everdeen,” she says quietly. Peeta drops his eyes to Ivy’s chart, and furrows his brows, his gaze wandering to the young woman’s left hand. No ring. A brief thrill curls through him at the thought that she’s single. Asshole, he immediately chides himself. So not what you should be thinking about right now. He scans the chart more carefully and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, “but this lists Primrose Hawthorne as the mother, under the Parent/Guardian information, and a Rory Hawthorne as the father. I just assumed—”

She cuts him off. “Primrose Hawthorne was her mother. But I’m not Primrose Hawthorne. I’m Katniss. Katniss Everdeen. I’m her aunt. I should be listed as her primary emergency contact.” She swallows and squeezes her eyes shut briefly. When she opens them, they plead with his. Peeta glances down at Ivy, and then raises his eyes to Katniss again. The guilt that was clouding those silver irises a moment ago has dissipated, replaced with anguish. He doesn’t know what the full story is here, but he didn’t miss Katniss’s usage of the past tense in referring to Ivy’s mother. So he honors her silent appeal not to ask questions.

“Okay, Ivy, you fell, and you landed on your arm? I bet that hurt,” Peeta says to the little girl, but his gaze stays fastens on Katniss. She gives him the faintest smile and mouths, “Thank you.”

~*~*~*~

An hour later, the orthopedist informs Peeta that Ivy Hawthorne is ready for his approval to be discharged. Not wanting to keep her and her aunt waiting any later than necessary, he sets down the X-ray he had been studying, and heads back to where Ivy is. 

Standing outside the curtain, he hears quiet singing. He draws back the curtain and sees Katniss seated on the bed, with Ivy nestled in her lap. A bright pink cast safely cocoons the girl’s arm. Her blonde head rests on Katniss’s shoulder. Her eyes are closed, and her little body rises and falls with the deep breathing of sleep. 

Katniss continues to sing, unaware of Peeta’s presence. He doesn’t recognize the tune she’s singing. It’s not a Christmas carol, at least not one he’s ever heard before, but he continues to listen, captivated by her voice. It’s soft and decidedly feminine, but there’s raspy undercurrent to it that gives him chills. It’s like the first sip of a rich, smoky bourbon.

Gingerly, he tiptoes towards the bed and stands before her for several more minutes, until Katniss finally lifts her eyes. She immediately stops singing. Peeta smiles and nods towards Ivy.

“Someone is worn out,” he whispers. Katniss’s lips twitch into a chagrinned smile. 

“I’m sure the second we get home she’ll be wide awake and it’ll take forever to get her into bed. She was already amped up about Santa Claus before this.” She tips her head and gestures with her chin towards Ivy’s arm. 

“Warm milk. With a little bit of cinnamon,” he suggests. 

“Really?” Her eyes round. “Cinnamon? That really works?” Disbelief clouds her words. He shrugs sheepishly.

“I have no idea. No kids. And I’ve never had much trouble sleeping. I’m usually asleep the minute my head hits the pillow. But I’ve heard from a friend with a toddler that it does the trick.” He waits for her to say something—anything—in response, but she doesn’t. Her gaze is back on the sleeping toddler in her arms. 

Watching her stare tenderly at her niece causes something unexpected to claw at Peeta’s chest and he’s overwhelmed by a fierce compulsion to want to keep her here, to get to know more about her. It’s been a long time since he felt this kind of instant attraction to a woman. Why couldn’t he have met her under different circumstances? 

“Are we all done, doctor?” 

Peeta startles from his thoughts and offers Katniss an apologetic smile.

“Yes, sorry. You are good to go as soon as you sign here—” He holds the clipboard at an angle, to allow her to sign without having to disturb Ivy, “and here.” He flips the sheet back to the second page and she scrawls her name across the line there, too. Normally a nurse would go over discharge papers and protocol with patients, but Peeta had taken it upon himself to grab Ivy’s. He needed to spend every possible minute in Katniss’s presence. 

Once the release forms are complete, he review the plan for Ivy’s follow-up care, including how to manage any pain she has and when she’ll need to return to have the cast removed. Katniss listens attentively. 

When he’s finished, she stands up slowly, her movements tentative so as not to jostle Ivy. A sigh parts the little girl’s lips and she stirs, but she remains asleep. God, she’s cute, Peeta thinks. 

“Thank you, Dr. Mellark,” Katniss says softly. “For everything. I know what you did…” She falters. “I mean, I know we, ah, weren’t next, and ah…” Peeta waves a hand dismissively, sensing her discomfort with his hijacking of the queued patients.  

“It was my pleasure,” he replies. “Little girls should be home on Christmas Eve. Waiting for Santa.” He echoes Katniss’s earlier words. “I hope he’s good to her.” 

He doesn’t miss the forlorn expression that flits across Katniss’s face as she glances down at her sleeping niece. 

“He can’t bring her what she wants most, but he’ll try,” she murmurs and moves towards the open curtain. Just before she steps out into the hall, she pauses and turns to face Peeta.

“Merry Christmas,” she adds.  

“Merry Christmas,” he concurs. With a faint smile, she steps around the curtain. It rustles in her wake and resettles. Peeta exhales and slumps against the wall, regret washing through him, followed by a stronger wave of sadness at seeing Katniss go. If it hadn’t been for Ivy, he might have concocted some kind of delay to keep Katniss here longer, found some excuse to pry more information out of her. Like if she’s single. A surge of adrenaline spikes in his blood. He can’t let her go this easily.

He bolts out into the corridor, scanning the bustling hallway for any sign of Katniss and Ivy, but they’ve vanished. Disappointed, his shoulders slump as he trudges towards the nurses’ station to hand off Ivy’s file. 

It’s probably best, a nagging little voice inside him taunts, and he reluctantly concedes that it probably is. As much as he’d love to finally shut his mother up and find a woman that he’d want to spend more than a night with, it’s not fair to subject one to the kind of schedule he has to keep. New doctors are low-man-on-the-totem-pole. He’s had mostly graveyard shifts and he’s often on call. It’s his dream to have a pediatric practice, but he’s well aware that he’ll have to toil for a couple of years to get on track to make that dream a reality. 

A few minutes later, en route to his next examination, Peeta spies Johanna, one of the triage nurses, coming out of the room Ivy had occupied. His eyes immediately narrow when his gaze lands on her left arm.

“Was that in there?” He motions towards the vacated room and then nods towards the stuffed cat Johanna has wedged under her armpit. 

“What, the cat? Yeah. It must have fallen under the bed. I’ll take it to the station, in case someone comes back to claim it.” 

Ivy’s cherubic little face flashes in Peeta’s mind. He remember how fiercely she had been clutching that cat, and how she had reluctantly agreed to put it down when it had been time for Delly, another one of the triage nurses, to take her for X-rays. 

Peeta’s pulse quickens and he immediately thrusts his hand towards Johanna. “I’ll take it,” he says impulsively. She wrinkles her nose and cocks her head, her hazel eyes intensely scrutinizing him. Though they have a casual friendship, Johanna is far too insightful for her own good. Peeta doesn’t really need her questioning his motives for taking possession of the toy. 

“The little girl it belongs to goes to preschool with Max. I’ll make sure he takes it to her after the holiday break.” Fuck, that lie flew off his tongue so easily he almost believes it himself. Johanna shrugs and tosses Peeta the cat. 

“Suit yourself. One less thing to overflow the Lost and Found.” She strides past him and disappears into Triage 6. He stares down at the stuffed animal. His heart skips another beat and a slow smile tugs at his mouth. 

~*~*~*~

Stifling another yawn, Peeta squints at the numbers above the garage. He’s definitely in the right place. He kills the engine and sits for a moment, glancing at the clock on the navigation system. It’s quarter after nine. Early, but not obscenely so. When his shift had ended at six am, he had driven home and fought the urge to crawl into bed; instead, he grabbed a quick shower and freshened up. True, part of him hadn’t wanted to see Katniss Everdeen again looking like the bedraggled, exhausted mess he was at the end of a rotation, and also true, he was going to have to clean up before he’s due at his parents’ house at one. But he also knew he couldn’t really have shown up at Katniss’s house at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning, even if he suspects Ivy likely had her up by then. He recalls, with a wistful smile, that Christmas morning was the one morning he and his brothers were always awake before his father. It was only a question of which Mellark brother was going to be the first to rouse the others. Him being the youngest, it was usually him, he admits with a wider grin.

He quietly exits his car, careful not to slam the door, and gingerly steps across the icy driveway. He pauses at the un-shoveled front walk, where a pristine blanket of snow blocks his path. “Shit,” he whispers, gritting his teeth as he takes the first step. His foot plunges into the deep drift, up to nearly his calf. He braces himself and takes a huge step, hoping to eat up the distance in a few long strides. Fortunately, it’s not a long front walk. He reaches the also un-shoveled front steps and carefully ascends them. He contemplates ringing the doorbell, but instead raps his knuckles against the door. His breath pipes out in white plumes and he rubs his palms together for warmth as he waits. 

No one comes to the door, at least not immediately. Peeta lifts his fist again, but just before his knuckles can connect with the wood again, the front door opens a crack and he’s suddenly looking at Katniss. Those silver eyes round almost comically as recognition lights them. 

“D-Doctor Mellark? Wh-what are you….”  

“Hi. Merry Christmas,” he begins. “I thought Ivy would be missing this.” He smiles and holds up the stuffed cat. 

Katniss stares at him, her lips parting faintly, and shock and confusion war on her pretty face. But then her grey eyes darken with what Peeta can only describe as restrained fury. 

She opens the door fully and glares at him.  

“You had Ivy’s cat?” she accuses. 

“Uh…yeah…” he stammers, his own confusion welling. Why is she so angry? “My nephew…he has a bear. Otis. Can’t sleep without that thing. I thought if Ivy is anything like Max…well, she’d be missing this.” He holds the cat out to Katniss. She snatches it so violently that she stumbles backwards. Peeta is equally jarred, but his jolt is from the very brief brush of Katniss’s fingers against his when she had grabbed the toy. 

But Katniss gives him no time to revel in the feeling.

“So this is why no one at the hospital had a goddamned clue what I was talking about when I called there looking for this cat an hour ago!” she spits. 

Shit, Peeta thinks, an uneasy feeling clawing its way into his gut. 

“Why the fuck—” He can’t help but notice her slight hesitation before she lobs the obscenity at him. “—would you take my niece’s cat? Is this something normal people do?” She’s shivering visibly as she rants, a clear consequence of stepping onto her front porch wearing nothing but green plaid pajama pants and a threadbare black Henley shirt.

“I….I…” He shakes his head. He’s not even sure how to defend his actions. He can’t very well tell her his ulterior motives in bringing the stuffed cat back to her niece. Not now. He definitely fucked this up.

“I was just trying to be nice. That I’d save you a trip on Christmas morning,” he finishes lamely. 

Katniss’s nostrils flare and her jaw flexes. “Christmas morning,” she mutters, just barely audible over the clattering of her teeth. “Did it occur to you, Dr. Mellark, that I might be looking for Ivy’s cat and I might call the hospital looking for this cat?” She shakes the toy in his face. “And did it occur to you that, in spite of all the toys she had just opened, Ivy might be bawling and throwing a fit because Buttercup was missing?”

Buttercup, he has to assume, is the stuffed cat.

She pauses, as if waiting for him to defend himself, but all he can do is swallow against the lump crowding his throat.

So she continues, “They made me think I was crazy—but not until after they left me on hold for 20 minutes while I tried to calm a wailing toddler. And then they said there was no toy matching this description in the Lost and Found. And that’s because you had it!” Her eyes are a maelstrom now, but he notices that an edge of frustration has crept into her furious tone. 

“And now Ivy doesn’t have it. So thank you. Thank you very much, Dr. Mellark. Merry Christmas.” And before Peeta can release the breath he’s been holding during her outburst and plead his case, she whirls around, her disheveled braid lancing through the air like a whip, and slams the door behind her. Stunned, Peeta can only stare at the wreath on the door as he processes what just happened.  

What. The. Fuck. 

Heart pounding, gut churning, Peeta retreats to his car. He takes a few minutes to absorb the shock of his encounter with Katniss, his mind reeling through the accusations she made. He never would have expected her to react like this. So much for any shot with Katniss Everdeen. 

He finally gathers his composure and navigates out of her complex. As he drives, his mind continues replaying Katniss’s words over and over, and he finds one thing nags at him. 

And now Ivy doesn’t have it.

Those words don’t make much sense to him. He just gave the stuffed animal back to Katniss. She can give it back to Ivy. She’ll have it now. In her wrath, Katniss just wasn’t being rational, he decides. 

But her words continue to haunt him off and on for the rest of the day. Along with persistent images of Katniss that further torment him. She is never far from his conscious thoughts. As he sits down next to the fireplace in his parents’ house with a tumbler of scotch to exchange gifts with his brothers and his nephews, he finds himself wondering who Katniss is celebrating with. Ivy, obviously. But does she have other family? 

By the time the Mellarks all settle around the table for dinner, he’s conjured up the notion that Katniss may not be married, but she surely has a devoted boyfriend who is showering her with gifts at this very moment. Her mood is infinitely better than what Peeta witnessed earlier. She’s probably dressed nice for him, and he’s sitting around her dining room table with Katniss and Ivy, like a makeshift family.

His mother’s irritation is palpable when she has to command his attention twice to try and draw him into the discussion centered on Rye’s upcoming wedding. Peeta murmurs the apology he knows she expects and feigns his dutiful brotherly interest for Rye’s benefit the remainder of the meal. But a dull ache has taken up residence in the center of his chest and he realizes just how badly he wants what his brothers have. 

He just won’t be having it with Katniss Everdeen.

[echoisfailing]

Through the Years - Fred Weasley

Word Count: 1318

Posted: 9/4/2021

Fifth Year

I hadn’t gotten a letter all year and at this point into first term I would’ve gotten at least a dozen. It took Haley that long to notice, “I need to tell you something and it’s really serious so I need you full hearted opinion okay?” she said really sincerely, “okay should I be worried?” I joked and she shook her head no. “Okay so I think not right now but eventually I need to break up with Oliver.” She said with her head down and my eyes went wide. “What? What happened?” I was shocked. “Well listen, he is being scouted or whatever it's called for quidditch I mean during the summer he was bragging you know like humbly and so when he graduates this year he should be able to be single and properly celebrate but he can’t when his girlfriend is in Hogwarts in her 6th year, ya know? Anyway, you haven’t gotten any letters this year, its November.” She pointed out while trying to change the subject. “I’ll tell you after I say this. You need to talk to Oliver about it, okay, this maybe just your insecurity or maybe you two are on the same page but either way you need to know. Because if you don’t you may ruin an amazing relationship. So just talk to him okay?” I finished and she nodded thoughtfully and I told her what happened between me and my dad. “And your mum?” she asked, “He pretty much makes decisions for the both of them, you’d think it’s the 30’s.” I tried to ease the tension. “I’m sorry (Y/N) you don’t deserve that, at least you have a good set of chosen family here.” She tried to make the situation better and we hugged and met up with the boys after the conversation.

It was during the Christmas holiday when the party happened. This was the first party that I had gotten Haley to go to. It was in the Gryffindor common room and we were all having a good time. Fred and I usually stuck close at parties but this was different, I had this big secret around him making me want to keep away and also never leave his side. Lee and George were doing some conniving in the corner together until eventually George stood on a table and yelled for everyone’s attention. “Hello party goers! Mr. Jordan and I have created this!” He yelled showing us their creation. “See what it does is it randomly picks two people and I have decided we are playing seven minutes in Heaven, so if you do not want to play leave!” He said like he was the fucking king, I remember feeling like they had something up their sleeve. Later I found out that they did. As people were filling out I stayed and so did Fred which wasn’t surprising but so did Oliver and Haley who hadn’t broken up at this point so I was curious but ignored figuring I could ask later. The contraption went around the room pairing people off thankfully avoiding me. It funnily enough picked out Haley and Oliver, lucky I had thought. It had started to go over people again like Angelina Johnson went with George and then a while later she went with Lee. I had figured it would just skip over me so I dramatically flopped down on Fred and said “I think I am going to head out, the party is dead and I just want to sleep g’night.” He chuckled and wrapped me in his arms which made my heart flutter, “Goodnight, love.” He told me and right as I had gotten up the invention did the unimaginable, it had called me and Fred. We looked at each other, “Um do you want to, you like, you know?” I had asked praying he wouldn't be a dick. He nodded and we were basically shoved into the closet. He without another second leaned down and kissed me. We kissed for what seemed like hours but really it was only a few minutes he pulled away from me when he heard people yell the countdown. “I’m sorry, just got wrapped up in the game.” He chuckled out. “Yeah same. Hey I’m still gonna go to bed okay?” I lied wanting to get away from him as soon as possible, of course it didn’t mean anything to him. We were let out of the closet and I stayed around long enough as to make it seem like I wasn’t embarrassed and I went to bed without another word to the twins. I decided to just pretend like it never happened because if it was just a game to me it had to be just a game for me.

We were about to leave for Summer holiday when I was finally able to sit down with Lee. “So what's going down with you and Fred?” He asked me “Damn, so we are going for it huh?” I joked and he nodded basically saying ‘answer me.’ “Uh yeah, ever since Christmas when we got locked in a closet.” I started to explain. “You too actually kissed? Didn’t think he was that bold. But I don’t understand you too like each other shouldn’t that have brought you two together finally?” He asked, trying to rationalize it to himself. “Fred doesn't like me, Lee.” He rolled his eyes, muttering whatever. “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, getting embarrassed but it came across as more annoyed. “You know the picker thing that George and I made that night? Well it was only picking people who have feelings for each other. Well more like it was reading the vibe the two gave off towards each other so if it pick the pair they like each other more than how a friend should.” He explained but none of it was making sense because he wanted to act like it never happened “So that means you have an equal shot at Angelina as George.” I pointed out. “Her and I talked she doesn’t want anything right now. But the way she said it made it sound like she didn’t want anything with anyone but George.” He said “Or maybe you are taking it to personally?” I joked pushing his shoulder slightly. I told him about what happened over the summer and even my insecurities about my other friendships. “You really are my best Friend Lee.” I said sincerely and he hugged me letting me know he felt the same.

It was a couple weeks since mine and Lee’s talk and it was about one week off until the last day of school Fred had been acting sketch around me for the last couple of weeks and I had had enough of it. “So what's your problem then?” I asked when I saw him in the hallway, he was alone which was super unusual. “Haven’t got one, love.” He tried to brush me off but I wasn’t having it. “Oh yeah so you haven’t been ignoring me all week then?” I accused and he laughed dryly. “If you want to know my problem ask Lee.” He said looking at me eye level then rolling his eyes and walking the other direction I caught up to him not being done with the conversation. “What the hell does that mean?” I asked, getting irritated. “You two are sooo close it almost seems as if you two are….” I cut him off before he could finish. “Me and Lee are not dating and even if we were why should it bother you at all?” He stayed silent for a second and when that second turned into 30 I rolled my eyes and turned in my original direction. I hoped he would stop me, I hoped he would admit his feelings but that never happened. He just let me walk away.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X17

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I liked this episode, but I wish they had gone deeper and delved into things in a more in depth way for many of the storylines. It also felt to me like there should have been a Part 2 and that this episode should have been Part 1 of a two part finale rather than the Finale itself. I wish they had done this episode the one week earlier or that they had spaced out the content between two episodes because then we could have gotten longer scenes between each of the characters rather than short snippets.

I loved seeing Meredith back at the hospital working again and doing what she does best! I like Meredith in her new role, and I think combining that with starting to operate again as Richard once did is a good fit for her at this point in her career and in her recovery. I really enjoyed her storyline with Bailey and their conversations about tradition versus forming a new path because I can see both sides. I can see why doing the speech and following in Richard's footsteps was important to Bailey, but I can also see Meredith's point. As she says people are dying every day from COVID and the last thing the students need is for someone else to talk at them about medicine when what they really need is to practice and see real examples.

My favourite parts of the episode by far were the scenes with Meredith and Hayes! I loved the OR board scene. I loved their banter and the way they smiled at each other. I love that Hayes was cracking jokes about Meredith getting sick and them not being able to go out for a drink because of the pandemic because admitting how scared he was and how much he cares would be too painful. And I love that Meredith totally got that and matched what he was saying because it’s scary and painful for her too. In this scene we learned that Meredith knows that Hayes is the one that found her and that she remembers him talking to her while she was unconscious, begging her to fight, and talking to her about her kids.  

We got confirmation that Hayes was asking Meredith out on a date at the end of last season and that she wishes they could have gone and had a drink before the pandemic hit. Hayes’ jokes about her getting sick to avoid having to turn him down and that it must have been some other Irishman begging her to wake up only work because it’s clear how untrue all of that is. Meredith clearly wants to go out with him and he’s obviously been worried sick about her and she knows that otherwise she would have reacted differently when he made those jokes. But she gives as good as she gets, matches him, and plays along because admitting how scary all of that is is just too much.

I also loved their scene in the Attendings Lounge although I wish it could have been longer and in a more intimate setting like one of their offices or a meeting room of some kind away from prying eyes. I love how Hayes just rolls with the punches. When he comes into the room Meredith is crying on the couch. It’s Christmastime and Hayes knows as a fellow widow how hard that the holidays can be. He comments says as much to Meredith, but she’s not in the mood for talking about how much she misses Derek, so she changes the subject and pretends that she’s upset about her patient Gerlie not being able to get a lung transplant.

So, Hayes plays along and talks about how great that would be. He then tells Meredith he got her a present and gives her a bottle whiskey. When Meredith comments that it’s opened and half full, he replies that he got for her on short notice. Which implies to me that he was planning on getting her a bottle of whiskey for Christmas, but he figured he’d see her later on, but when the opportunity arose for them to have a drink and he happened to have a half full opened bottle of whiskey he decided to give it to her as a gift rather than wait till later. Either that or he bought the bottle for her as a gift and then when he didn’t see her wound up drinking part of it only to run into her shortly thereafter.

I love that they were finally able to have a drink like they talked about, but I wish the scene was longer and more intimate. I was really hoping to see them talk about how hard it must have been for Hayes to find Meredith in the parking lot after what happened with Abigail and her time on the beach. I’m hoping that we’ll get to see that next season during one of their dates. I also really want to know what happened after they cut away. Did they continue to drink in the Attendings Lounge before going home? Did they retire to one of their offices to drink some more before going home?

I really loved the scene with them at Maggie’s wedding. The adoring way Hayes looked at Meredith and her kids as they came down the aisle and the look they shared during the ‘in sickness and health’ part of the vows. I’ve seen a few different interpretations of this and I would like to share my favourites. I’ve seen some people say that Hayes looked over at her and they shared a look because they both know what it means to love someone and watch them get sick and die young. Others have speculated that Hayes looks over at her because he waited for her when she was sick and now she’s healthy. Others have suggested that Hayes looked over at her in that moment and Meredith saw him in her peripheral vision and so she looked over and they shared that moment before turning back to the wedding.

Like a lot of fans I was really hoping to see them dance at Maggie and Winston’s wedding and while I’m disappointed that that didn’t happen she wouldn’t be Meredith Grey if she didn’t leap into action when her patient needed her. Plus, we now know that Teddy and Owen are engaged and will likely get married next season so they could presumably dance at their wedding. I wish the scenes between Meredith and Hayes in this episode had been longer and more intimate, but I understand that moving the timeline forward eight months made that difficult. It felt like they cut away from their scenes just as it was getting interesting and so with Meredith back on her feet and the show having moved forward to April 2021 I’m hoping that next season there won’t be as many time jumps and we’ll get to see longer more meaningful scenes with Meredith and Hayes like we did last season.

I'm excited to see them pick up this storyline next season and hopefully move it from a slow burn to a raging fire. Because I gotta be honest I was super into the slow burn element last season, but this season I was a bit annoyed. I sat through many a relationship of Meredith’s that I knew wasn’t going to work out or that wasn’t right and watching her and Hayes dance around each other when they could be together and happy is getting a bit tedious. Especially since I’m not as invested in the other couples as I am in Meredith and Hayes. I was super invested in Tom and Teddy, but now that’s over and with Tom in Boston there’s no chance of that storyline coming back full time.

I like Maggie and Winston and I like Amelia and Link but I’m not as invested in those couples as I am in Meredith and Hayes so I’m hoping for more movement next season. I love Meredith and Hayes together so much! I love their friendship and I love them as a romantic pairing. I love their banter and how they just get each other. I truly believe they will get together next season and that their relationship will be a big plot point in Season 18.

While I loved Maggie and Winston’s wedding the drama it took to get there to me was a bit ridiculous. While I'm glad that Maggie’s Dad and Winston’s Grandmother objected so that they could have a real wedding at the end of the episode which is what they really wanted and deserved I was frustrated by how that came about. Maggie literally made that exact point the previous episode and Winston took it as Maggie getting cold feet and was really upset about it. If he had just listened to Maggie and really thought about what she was saying he would have gotten it.

Instead, he got upset and Maggie wound up compromising to the point that the backyard wedding wasn’t at all what she wanted, and Amelia wasn’t even there because she got called into work. Maggie did all of the compromising and Winston did none. Then his grandmother makes the same exact point as Maggie did the week prior and suddenly he gets it? It felt a bit like drama for drama's sake. That being said, I loved their official wedding! I thought it was beautiful. I am happy that Maggie finally found happiness with someone who gets her (most of the time) and I'm excited to see her adjust to married life next season.

I have a similar critique about Amelia and Link’s storyline. Up until these last couple of episodes they’ve had a very healthy relationship which was sabotaged when Link became convinced out of the blue that Amelia wanted to get married and have more kids when she specifically told him she did not want to get married anytime soon and he brought up having more kids then went to go get popcorn and then never asked her whether or not that was something she wanted. Which frustrated me because it felt like a rehashing of a storyline they’ve already done.

Amelia has already gone through this with Owen more than once. We saw Cristina go through this with Owen before that. What is it with men on Grey’s Anatomy becoming convinced that their girlfriends want to get married and have a bunch of kids when they literally tell them that they don’t or they’ve never asked them? I was sad to see them fall apart in this episode and I feel like it was a lack of communication on both ends that caused the break up. Link became enamoured with the idea of getting married and having more kids even though Amelia told him she didn't want to get married and he never actually asked her if she wanted more children and ignored her obviously panicked response when the topic came up multiple times. Amelia for her part was clear she didn't want to get married anytime soon, but struggled to tell Link she didn't want more kids because he was so excited every time the topic came up and having gone through that with Owen multiple times before she dreaded how it might end so she avoided the topic. I think Link went way too far with proposing to Amelia and by saying yes to fostering Luna without talking to Amelia first. Also, where does Link get off telling Amelia that Zola, Bailey, and Ellis aren’t his family but he loves them anyone and then arguing that it’s the same with Luna?

Amelia and Link were both close to Meredith before she got sick and were living at her house. Amelia and Jo like each other but aren’t that close. Amelia looked after Meredith and Derek’s kids back when Derek was alive and has been a part of their lives for many years and Link had spent time with them before Meredith got sick. Amelia had never even met Luna prior to this episode. Also looking after your dead brother’s kids when your sister-in-law is in the hospital and might die is very different then agreeing to foster a high needs baby so that your partner’s best friend can adopt her.

To top it off, Link literally tells Amelia that Zola, Bailey, and Ellis are her family but not his family technically and then turns around and tries to propose to her at Meredith’s house in front of them and when he gets upstaged by Owen decides to use those same kids to propose to her at her sister’s wedding. He got the kids involved when he straight up told Jo he wasn’t sure if Amelia would say yes. Why would you do that if you don’t know what the answer is going to be? Now the kids are upset and these aren’t just random relatives.

Amelia and Link raised those kids for two months while Meredith was sick. Amelia outright says in an earlier episode that Zola has big wedding dress dreams, but that she doesn’t want to get married so why on God’s green earth would Link think that involving Zola who has been through enough was a good idea? All that being said, I really do love Amelia and Link together as a couple and so I hope that they can find their way back to each other next season. You don't have to get married or have more kids to be happy. They can be happy just as they are, so I hope that they find a way to communicate better and work things out because I love them as a couple and Amelia deserves her happy ending. She's worked so hard for that.

Speaking of proposals, Link’s not the only one who pops the question this episode. After reconciling with Teddy and supporting her when she contracts COVID, is asymptomatic, and then recovers Owen is inspired to propose once again. Owen, Teddy, Leo, Allison, Amelia, Link, and Scout are gathered at Meredith’s house with Zola, Bailey, and Ellis for Christmas Day when it starts to snow in the backyard. It’s revealed that Owen set up a snow machine as a Christmas present for Teddy. He then gets down on one knee and proposes in front of everyone. Link is displeased and Teddy accepts.

I love the shade that Meredith threw at Owen in that scene. “Including your ex-wife,” she says because Meredith is a good sister and she is Team Cristina and Team Amelia always. She tolerates Owen and his nonsense because he keeps marrying her sisters and having kids with them, but she’s got no problem calling him out on his BS. Good for Amelia being so happy for Owen and Teddy. She’s a better woman than I am. I would not be happy for Owen and I definitely wouldn’t be clapping and cheering. Something I noticed throughout the episode is that Link seemed to take Amelia’s joy at the happiness of others getting engaged and getting married as a sign that she wanted that too while outright ignoring the look on Amelia’s face, her words, and the tone of her voice when the topic of marriage and having more kids actually came up.

I think Link saw what he wanted to see in this episode because he became so enamored with the idea of being married to Amelia and having more kids with her that he couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Jo even points out to him. Anyone paying attention could see that Amelia does not want to get married or have more kids, but Link was so caught up in the joy of it all that he failed to see what was right in front of him. As for Owen and Teddy engaged, I’ve never been a Teddy and Owen shipped, but if this means that the drama, fighting, and nonsense is over then I'm happy for them.

I hope they make it work this time because both Teddy and Owen have hurt so many people in the course of their ongoing drama over the seasons. They've hurt Beth, Cristina, Amelia, and Tom just to name a few and so many people got caught in the crossfire. I mean how many times did Meredith tell everyone involved that what they were doing was a bad idea? I hope they make it work because if not Owen and Teddy will have spent a good chunk of the series hurting themselves and everyone around them for no reason.

This is a personal opinion, but I think proposals at big family events and holidays are super tacky! If you propose on a holiday you’re upstaging the kids and/or the host of the event, like Owen did at Christmas, and if you propose at a family event you’re upstaging the happy couple and/or hosts, like Link did at Maggie and Winston’s wedding, and you’re making a day that’s supposed to be about something or someone else all about you and your partner. If it doesn’t work out you’ve just ruined that holiday for everyone, and everyone’s memories of that day are forever tarnished by your poor judgement.

I know some people love that kind of thing and kudos to you, but I find it extremely tacky. If someone did that at my event or wedding, I’d kick them the hell out and probably never speak to them or invite them to anything again because upstaging a bunch of excited kids, the happy couple, or the hosts of the event is extremely selfish and self-centered in my opinion. Especially if you don’t know what the answer will be. While Owen upstaging a bunch of kids at a family event at someone else’s house felt very in character to me because he’s always pulling stuff like that Link’s proposal and his proposal attempt felt very out of character to me.  

One big critique I had of this episode and the previous one is that both Link and Winston acted very out of character to me. Up until this point they've come across as loving and supportive partners who know exactly what they are getting into. In the last two episodes of the Winston got upset about something totally reasonable and refused to listen to Maggie and then was forced to conceded when his grandmother put her foot down. None of which would have been necessary if he had just listened to Maggie and really thought about what she was saying.

Likewise, in the last two episodes Link goes from being completely understanding of what Amelia is saying about marriage and someone who talks things through to becoming convinced that Amelia wants to marry him and that she’ll say yes if he does a big grand gesture surprise proposal during a major family event. He tells Amelia he wants more kids and then gets up to make popcorn before Amelia can say anything and then becomes convinced that she wants more children too even though he never outright asks her and it’s obvious she’s opposed to the idea because she looks absolutely panicked every time the topic comes up.

On a more positive note, I really loved Jo’s storyline in this episode. While I'm not a fan of Jo's OBGYN storyline I loved her storyline with Luna and I am so glad that she decided to fight for her and was able to adopt her. She deserves to be happy after all she's been through and her adopting Luna felt like her journey came full circle in a lot of ways. I loved the Tom cameo! I am a Tom fan and I love that he'll continue to be a part of the show as a shareholder going forward. I also really loved the Jackson cameo. I thought Jo buying Jackson's penthouse suite apartment from him was perfect. It tied up a loose end and it enabled Jo to adopt Luna and finally have a nice place of her own. I hope we see more cameos like this throughout next season.

As this season comes to a close, I have to say I really loved Meredith's time on the beach, and I loved seeing Richard step into a new role at the hospital and really shine. As for what I’d like to see next season, I really want Meredith and Hayes to start dating and become a couple and for their kids to meet and for them to become a happy blended family. I want Meredith and Irene to meet and bond as originally planned. I want Amelia and Link to figure their stuff out so they can be happy. I hope we get to know Winston more as a character and that they bring in someone new to head up Plastics that Jo can date. I think seeing her dating as a new single mom could be really interesting. I want Dr. Mason Post the hot vaccine doc to come back and I'd love to see him and Levi end up together. I'd also like to see Bailey and Richard get some juicy storylines.

Until next time!