#after 'no I'm excited to be in this state of my life rn'

[umberandmochaagate]

Everyone's like "how does it feel to be 27?" "How does it feel to be almost 30?" "Omg you're getting old!" "Isn't it scary to be almost 30?" "Aren't you scared of getting old?" I spent a majority of my early adulthood actively suicidal and at 21 I thought I'd be dead by 31 if not earlier because of the level of depression and abuse I was going through. I know a lot of relatives don't believe me when I say I'm not scared of 30 and I'm really happy to be in my late 20s just because they dreaded it so I can't be honest about it. I literally had never seen this far ahead and even when things are abysmal I'm in such a better place that I can't wait to get to 32 and 33 and 74 and 95 and

[nolita-fairytale]

j is for james beard... and for jealousy | carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader

pairing: jealous boyfriend!carmy x female!reader 

word count: 7.4k

summary: after sydney takes home a big win at the james beard awards, you and your boyfriend carmy run into an old rival for a fiery, chaotic, and surprisingly sexy night. companion piece to 'make my heart surrender' but can be read as a standalone oneshot.

warnings: 18+ chapter, minors dni: lots of swearing, p*rn with a plot, smut, p in v unprotected sex (reader is using hormonal birth control in monogamous relationship), praise kink, rough jealousy sex

a/n: how dare I drag poor james beard into this hetero nonsense?! anywayssss surprise i'm back because i keep having ideas for these two. maybe one day i'll just write a carmy x reader piece that doesn't include this character but for now... please enjoy this literal porn with a plot. also: let's all agree that toxic jealousy is a red flag in relationships, however, i wanted to work with a scenario where carmy would perhaps be more sexually assertive.

“I look ridiculous,” Carmy had grumbled earlier that day, at his reflection in the mirror. 

He had never felt like himself while wearing a suit. Sure, he would spend time, effort, and money into finding the perfect vintage denim jacket, but a suit? He’d much rather be behind the scenes, in his chef whites, instead of this. 

“You look…” you’d countered him, emphasizing the word ‘look’. “...hot, Carmen.”

He’d given you somewhat of a half smile in response – flattered by your comment, and also unconvinced you hadn’t just said in an attempt to get him out of the house. 

Or out of obligation. 

Because he’s your boyfriend. Because you’ll say anything to get him out for Syd’s big night. Because you love him. 

Carmy had never gotten used to the whole celebrity aspect of the food world – especially his own. These award ceremonies were always an uncomfortable reminder that he never quite felt like he fit in. 

“Do you think Syd would kill me if-?” Carmy had asked, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Baby, Sydney is counting on us… and she and I will both kick your ass if you don’t get in the car,” you’d cut him off, because there was no way in hell he was getting out of this. With a scowl on his face, you’d dragged him down the stairs and into your Uber. 

And that’s how he ended up here, at the James Beard award ceremony on a Sunday night, as you all wait anxiously for the announcement. While the restaurant hadn’t been open long enough to be nominated and was actively in a state of ‘working out the kinks,’ Carmy’s celebrity in the food world had brought in a lot of press. Ever since Sydney and Carmy had become partners in the reopen, he had been more than happy to let her take center stage. When the nominations were announced, and Sydney was on the list, he was ecstatic for her. Truthfully, it was a relief that she seemed to do much better with all the stuff he wasn’t crazy about: press, interviews, the spotlight. 

“Wake me up when this snoozefest is over,” Richie mumbles trying his best to pretend he’s not having a good time. You snort, shooting Richie a look, because you know it’s one of the most exciting nights he’s had in a while. 

Besides Carmy, who wouldn’t want to get all dressed up to go to a fancy party and celebrate Sydney?

You’ve somehow managed to corral the core staff of The Bear here this evening. The entire restaurant had been abuzz when the nominations were announced, and talks of who would get stuck at the restaurant the night of the award ceremony had already begun. It was an easy decision to close the restaurant for that night, so that everyone who wanted to could attend. 

Your life here is better than you ever imagined it could be. Working your ass off in a kitchen that you love has been invigorating. It’s helping you fall in love with the process all over again. You suspect that your time in fine dining had, perhaps, run its course even before you quit your last job. Back then, here is what you’d longed for on the days you felt your most lost. You love being a teacher; you love mentoring Marcus. He’s got a desire to learn that never quits, and it inspires you day in and day out. But most importantly, you’re head over heels in love. You’re so deeply in love with Carmy that sometimes, you wonder what took the two of you so long to pull the trigger.

Tonight is no different. You’re surrounded by people you adore more than anything  – people you’ve been in the trenches with during a dinner service from hell, people you’ve laughed your ass off with after a round of drinks outside of the restaurant – and you’re all here to celebrate someone who’s become a close friend of yours. It’s just another reminder – another sign from the universe – that you made the right decision.

And you’re sure Sydney is going to win. 

You’re not sure how you know. 

You can just feel it. 

Sydney sits between Carmy and Marcus, and you’re seated in between Carmy and Richie. You notice Carmy’s leg is bouncing up and down impatiently as he anticipates the next category of awards. Even though you know these big social events put Carmy on edge, you know he’s really just nervous for her. 

“And the winner… for the James Beard Rising Star award of 2023…” the announcer, esteemed chef Mashama Bailey begins, grabbing the attention of the entire room. 

Your heart is pounding in your chest, and Carmy continues to fidget nervously. You reach across Carmy’s lap, grabbing Sydney’s hand and giving it a squeeze of reassurance. Sydney holds on to you, and while you’re sure she might cut off your circulation from squeezing so tightly, you don’t mind. You’re all on the edges of your seat. 

“Sydney Adamu of The Bear!”

You and Carmy are cheering as loudly as you can, while Richie jumps to his feet letting out a loud ‘whoop.’ A chorus of ‘that’s right,’ ‘she won!’ and ‘c’mon syd’ echoes through Tina, Gary, and Ebra and Manny, while Angel is already on his feet taking a video of the crowd. Everyone is cheering so boisterously you’re not sure it’ll ever stop. 

“You won, Syd!” you yell over the loud claps and cheers, giving her hand one more squeeze. She rises, letting go of your hand, you and Carmy both following to give her some space to walk through the aisle. 

“Let’s go, Syd! That’s right. That’s right,” Marcus calls out loudly, jumping to his feet with Richie and earning a few looks from the people sitting to the right and left. 

“Congratulations, chef,” Carmy whispers, as she passes him by. You watch as Marcus ushers her over to the aisle so that she can go up to the stage while Angel films the whole thing on his iPhone. Carmy has the proudest look on his face, the tip of his nose the lightest blush pink, and you’re beaming as you watch your friend make her way towards the stage of the opera house. 

“Remember when this was you?” you whisper to Carmy, catching his attention. 

“Tonight everything changes for her,” Carmy replies, grinning from ear to ear. 

“For the both of you,” you add. “For all of us.”

The night he won the rising star award put him on the map. While you hadn’t known Carmy at the time, you’d heard about him in those early days of both of your careers. Carmy had risen so quickly through the ranks that by the time you met him, he was only a few weeks away from his promotion to CDC at the old restaurant. Not only did this put Sydney on the map, but it was better press for The Bear than anyone could ask for. 

“Congratulations, baby,” you say, kissing him on the cheek. He just shoots you a look, the pride evident in his eyes, before wrapping his arm around you and holding you close. 

~

“I just wanna say,” Richie begins, having garnered the attention of your group. You’re all huddled in a circle at the reception, champagne flutes in everyone’s hands. 

“I know we don’t always see eye to eye…” Richie toasts, earning a few looks and side comments from your team. “And don’t forget about that time you stabbed me… but even if this brings a bunch of fuckin’ strokes to the restaurant, we’re so fuckin’ proud of you.” 

“To Sydney, who’s… what does Carmy say… changed the chemistry and who is the heart of this restaurant,” Ebra adds on. 

Tina smiles proudly, raising her glass to Sydney. It brings a smile to your face to see her all dressed up too. 

“Syd, I don’t know where the hell we’d be without you,” Carmy continues, raising his glass. 

“Cheers to you, Sydney!” you say, clinking champagne glasses, before taking your first celebratory drink as a team. 

It doesn’t take long for your group to break off into smaller ones – making comments about how out of place you all feel at this fancy of an event. Richie’s wrapping an arm around Carmy’s shoulder, ushering him to a side conversation – something about ‘lizards this’, and ‘the working class that.’ 

“So how do you feel?” you ask, turning towards Sydney, taking a moment to quietly congratulate your friend. 

“I think I’m still in shock,” she sighs in relief, earning a chuckle from you. 

“Well, I’ll cheers to that. You know. To calm the nerves,” you joke, raising your glass once more. 

“To liquid courage,” she agrees, clinking glasses with you again, as you both decide just to finish off your flutes of champagne. 

“Can I get you another drink?” you offer, placing your now empty champagne 

“Oooo can you get me one of those fancy themed cocktails I saw at the bar earlier?” Sydney replies, excitedly. 

“Anything for you,” you say back. 

“And when you’re back, I think I saw Carla Hall has a tasting table here so we should make our rounds,” Sydney mentions, because there’s no way either of you are missing out on the fact that the best chefs in the world are cooking in this room right now. 

You nod in agreement, heading to the bar to get both you and Sydney a new round of drinks. 

“What can I getcha?” the bartender asks. 

You glance at the menu, deciding on your go-to, a gin and tonic, and then one of the featured cocktails of the evening that Sydney mentioned, knowing she’s a tequila drinker. You wait at the bar for your drinks, knowing the fancy mezcal cocktail you just ordered for Sydney will take a little bit of a time to make. 

“I was wondering when I’d run into you,” you hear a voice say, grabbing your attention. It’s a familiar voice that you were really hoping you’d never have to hear again. 

“Funny, because I was hoping to avoid you,” you quip back, turning to the man who’s just joined you at the bar. His bravado alone is enough to earn an eye roll from you and you can feel your guard going up. 

“What’re you doing here?” you ask, unable to hide the disdain in your voice. 

“You haven’t heard?” he asks, a cocky smirk on his face that you just want to slap off of it. 

“I don’t make it my business to keep up with you, Walker,” you shoot back, using his last name as a formality, completely unamused by his question.

“God, I love it when you talk dirty,” he croons, a flirtatious low chuckle rumbling out of his chest. 

You ignore him, rolling your eyes for the second time in the last two minutes, as you thank the bartender who’s just come back with your gin and tonic. You raise the glass to your lips, getting a head start since now, you definitely need this drink. 

“Moved to LA. Took a CDC position out there. Besides, after you left… New York was… getting boring,” he explains, playing it cool. He drops the name of the well-respected LA restaurant that he’s running now in an attempt to impress you, which only seems to piss you off further. 

You scoff in response. If you weren’t waiting on Sydney’s drink, you’d be long gone by now, but as you watch the bartender burn a sugar cube, you wonder how damn long it takes for a fucking mezcal drink to be made. 

Maybe if I’ll just ignore him, he’ll fuck off, you think to yourself.

“You know, I was surprised to hear you moved to Chicago. Left without saying goodbye. Then again, should’ve known…” he provokes, continuing his very one sided conversation. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Nate?” you snap, turning your head to him, instantly regretting giving him the attention he’s so desperately seeking.

He raises an eyebrow, before nodding towards Carmy as a reply. Your gaze follows, and you can tell that Carmy’s noticed who you’re talking to at the bar. 

“It’s a small world. Word gets around. People talk.”

But you’re not listening to him, your eyes fixed on Carmy. Carmy sends a look of concern your way, but you nod back to him as if to say ‘all good.’ You can hold your own here. Nate watches carefully, noticing the look you share with Carmy across the room. He was always a detail oriented son of a bitch. 

“Classic golden boy,” Nate sighs, the envy in his voice giving him away. 

“Don’t you think your little one sided rivalry with Carmy is getting a little old?” you laugh dryly. 

“One sided?” Nate asks back, taking a step towards you. 

“Yeah, one sided,” you repeat, standing your ground. Now way in hell you’re going to let this asshole back you up. “Because if I recall correctly, he never indulged you in your silly little games.”

Nate laughs again, taking another step towards you that makes you increasingly more uncomfortable. 

“If that’s how you remember it.”

“Oh grow up.”

“Not when golden boy gets everything I want.”

“You’re so full of shit!” you exclaim, finally taking a step back. “Carmy’s had to work for everything he’s achieved. You and I both know that.”

“How do you think he’d feel,” Nate starts, and you’re not sure if he’s trying to sound seductive or intimidating – neither of which are working on you. “... if he knew about what happened between us? After he left New york? It was… what? A week, maybe two, before you jumped into bed with me?”

“Carmy knows I’m not a thing to be had, Nate,” you seethe, glaring at him. 

The bartender returns with your second drink finally. 

“You sure about that?” Nate smirks, reaching out to touch you. 

What a fucking asshole. 

“You’re disgusting,” you seethe, jerking your arm away from him. You take both of your drinks, and you can’t get out of there fast enough. 

“It was great catching up,” he calls after you, cockily. 

“Can’t say the same,” you say, not even turning to look back at him. 

You return to your group, holding in your fury. It’s Sydney’s big night and you’d much rather focus on that than the asshole of an old coworker you can’t fucking stand. You try to shake off the interaction, deciding it’s not even worth expending energy on. 

“What the hell was that all about?” Sydney asks, having witnessed your tenuous interaction with the man you called Nate. She thanks you as you hand her her new drink. 

“Absolute trashcan of a human. We used to work with him. In New York,” you said, letting out a puff of flustered air. 

“Okay but… that was weird right?” Sydney questions, seeing that this guy’s clearly gotten under your skin.

“Totally. He’s a piece of shit. He and Carmy always had this weird rivalry but it was mostly on his end. I… also may or may not have made the dumbest mistake ever once upon a time and slept with him… like… over a year ago,” you confess, feeling just a little bit guilty about it. 

“Noooo,” she replies, her eyes widening. “You slept with that guy?”

“Yeah,” you answer, regretfully. “Not one of my finest moments. Long story short: right after Carmy left New York to come back here, I got a little too drunk with some coworkers. I was really sad and it was stupid, and uh, he was… let’s just say more than happy to play the part of a good listener.”

“Can’t imagine that guy being good, or a listener, let alone both at once,” Sydney replies, seeing the negative effect he’s had on you in one conversation.

“Yeah, It was a stupid fucking mistake and I regretted it the next morning. If you can believe it, he got even more insufferable when he realized it would never happen again,” you tell her, shaking off the bad taste in your mouth the conversation left you with. 

“Yo,” Carmy says, hesitantly. He can tell that you’re pissed after your conversation at the bar. “Everything good?”

“Yeah,” you answer, honestly. “Just Nate Walker being a fuckin’ asshole. But what’s new?”

“Hey Syd! Let’s go grab a bite,” Marcus calls to her. 

“You guys mind?” she asks, looking from you to Carmy. 

You shake your heads ‘no’, and honestly, you’re glad it gives you a little time alone with your boyfriend. You watch as Sydney leaves with Marcus to make the rounds, leaving you and Carmy alone. 

“Haven’t heard that name in a while,” Carmy starts, bringing Nate up again. He can feel his face beginning to heat up as he asks you about it. 

“Yeah.”

“Biggest jackoff in New York City.”

“Well, apparently he’s LA’s problem now.”

“Fucko,” Carmy says, shaking his head at the memory of his pain in the ass sous. He can’t figure out why seeing Nate talk to you near-sent him into a blind rage, but you’d reassured him that you were good so, he let you hold your own. 

“Seems like he had a lot to say to you.”

“Yeah, lucky me,” you reply dryly. 

“After that I think I need a shower. Or a bath of bleach.”

Carmy lets out a small laugh, releasing some of the tension he, unknowingly, was holding in his body. 

“Listen, I don’t want to talk about Nate,” you say, changing the subject. 

It’s not that you feel weird about it – that you’d feel weird telling Carmy about what happened between the two of you – but it just feels so small and insignificant in the face of the love that you have with Carmy. 

“Good, me either,” Carmy exhales. 

Another release in pressure. 

He wonders if he’d been this tense all night, or if seeing you with Nate had managed to piss him off this much. 

“You wanna dance?” you ask him, a mischievous smile on his face. You offer a hand out to him. 

“Baby, you know I don’t dance,” he states, matter of factly. 

“I know. But I do,” you say, with a wiggle of your eyebrows. 

“One dance,” he warns, earning a triumphant smile from you.

He takes your hand, prompting you to put your drink down on the table where you’re all posted up at. Carmy shakes his head, surprised that you’ve coaxed him this far out of his comfort zone. As he pulls you into his arms, you giggle, wrapping yours around his neck and sway to the loud music in the background. 

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?” he asks you with such genuine love in those beautiful blue eyes of his. 

He thinks you look like a goddess – could be the dress, but he’s pretty sure it’s you. Your hair is shorter now than it was a few months ago and lays in the softest, most gentle waves, parted perfectly down the middle. He hasn’t stopped staring at cherry red-painted lips all night, and every time he gets a peek of your legs through the high slit in the dress you’re wearing, he swears he short circuits. 

Not to mention the low neckline. He’d watched you tie the top of the dress into a plunging neckline, and had to hold back his ask for you to cover up. It’s not that he cared about what you wore. But if he hadn’t been going to therapy over the last few months, he might feel some kind of way about anyone else getting to see any part of your breasts – anyone but him. 

“A couple of times… but I won’t be mad about hearing it a few more, Bear,” you grin, leaning into him. 

He smiles at your use of his childhood nickname. Back in New York, he’d kept it from you. It was just a reminder of what he’d left behind: his psycho mom, a nightmare of pain from his psycho-fucked-up family, how much it hurt when Mikey cut him out. But now, he loves the way it sounds coming from your lips, your voice the sweetest thing he’s ever heard. While he knows it’s taken him a long time to let you in, he’s glad he has. Whether it be at the restaurant or at the home you share together, you’ve become one of the most consistent things in his life. 

The rest of the night is almost perfect. It’s filled with dancing, catching up with coworkers and friends in the culinary world, and most importantly, a celebration with your chosen family. That is, until you hear Sydney swear halfway across the room, catching the attention of you and Carmy both. 

Carmy’s looking past you to where Nate is towering over Sydney at the bar. If looks could kill, he’s pretty sure Nate would be dead by now. 

“Is that Nate again?” Carmy asks, his face pink as he feels a rush of blood flow throw him. 

You can see that Sydney is practically in the same place you were an hour ago. You watch as he steps in front of her, practically blocking her in between him and the bar. 

“I don’t like this. We should go over there,” you say with a sense of urgency. 

Carmy agrees, and Richie and Marcus, who you’re currently conversing with, follow close behind. 

“Okay. You need,” Sydney warns, her voice deliberate, like a rattlesnake giving one last warning before it strikes. “... to back… the fuck up.” 

His response is even worse, causing a fire to burn in your belly as you overhear what he says to Sydney. 

“Oh come on,” he coos, forcing himself closer to her. “I’m just trying to have a little fun.”

Sydney takes another step to the side, trying her best to escape him and holding her hands up as a barrier while you charge at him. Your sudden movement attracts his attention, giving Sydney the out that she needs. You put both of your hands on his chest, shoving him away from her as you shout. 

“She said ‘no.’ What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Nate’s got such a smug, satisfied smirk on his face that, if you weren’t in a room filled with the best chefs in the world, you’d actually punch it right off of him. Carmy follows you, protectively standing behind you. 

“Jealous?” he asks, amused. His eyes flicker over to Carmy, whose face is beginning to heat up, turning a brighter shade of red by the moment.  

“In your dreams, asshat,” you spit back. 

“Yeah, you’re right about that,” he says, completely satisfied as Carmy’s fist clenches. He’s clearly enjoying just how much he’s getting under his old boss’ skin. 

You feel Carmy step towards him, but you turn to him, placing a hand on his abdomen to stop him, “Bear, it’s not worth it.”

“Did you tell him?” Nate asks you, with the intention of stirring the pot. 

“Jesus Christ,” you mutter, shaking your head in absolute disbelief. 

“Tell me what?” Carmy asks you softly. 

“How does it feel, golden boy? To know that the one thing you always wanted… I got to first,” Nate sneers, a threatening sound in his voice. He looks from you to Carmy, assessing the damage. 

Before Carmy can say anything, it’s you who lurches towards NAte, and Carmy’s wrapping his arms around you to hold you back. You can feel the tension in his arms as he holds you against his chest protectively. 

“Okay this motherfucker is just asking for it,” Richie seethes, charging towards Nate. 

“Richie, don’t!” Sydney shouts, shooting him a ‘please don’t make a scene’ look. 

It takes all of Richie’s self control to stop himself. He nods to her, holding up his hands as a surrender. He begins to take a few steps back as your uncomfortably public standoff continues. 

Sydney has retreated back so that she stands side by side with Marcus, while Carmy’s loosened his grip on your waist. 

By the look on Nate’s face, you can tell he thinks he’s gotten away with it all, as he looks around at all of you one last time. 

“You all have a goodnight,” he smirks, before taking his drink and slithering away. 

You could care less where to. You’re just glad he’s gone. 

You watch as he goes before checking in with Sydney, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she says, shaking her head. Marcus is by her side in an instant and you can see Carmy’s jaw twitching with anger. “Can’t believe you used to work with that guy. Fuck that guy.”

“Yeah, fuck that guy,” Richie agrees under his breath. 

“C’mon. Let’s just…” Marcus encourages quietly, nodding to your table. 

Richie, Marcus, and Sydney all make their way back to your group as you stay with Carmy. His face is red and you can see it on his face that he’s still processing what just happened – what Nate said. You can see the gears turning in his head, and he’s staring at the floor, his face still cherry tomato-red.

“Carmy,” you say, ripping him from his thoughts. 

He looks up at you, his face softening the minute you make eye contact. 

“Can we go somewhere? Talk?” he asks, trying not to look like he’s going to burn the fuckin’ place down. 

You agree with a nod, taking his hand and leading him elsewhere. 

The further away from the reception you go, the quieter the party gets, and the louder your thoughts get. Would he be mad? You were furious with Nate for trying to use what happened to get under Carmy’s skin, but you also wonder if he’s mad at you too. For sleeping with Nate? For not telling him? But was it something you were supposed to tell him? It’s not like you expected him to tell you about every person he’d ever slept with. 

Carmy finally stops, leading you into a quieter room, far away from the party. As you flick the lights on, it looks like a single dressing room for the plays performed here. The silence between the two of you is deafening, and it’s not just because it’s the first quiet moment you’ve had together since you arrived. 

“I’m not mad… about Nate… about what he said,” Carmy says, breaking the silence between the two of you. 

He’s trying his best to sound convincing, reassuring even, but he’s sure he’s doing a shit job. 

You’re surprised, so you just take him in, searching his face for any clue that he’s telling that truth. His face is red, and you can see a tightness running across his chest as he’s looking for the courage to ask:

“But why didn’t you tell me?” 

You sigh, unsure of what to say. 

“Because…” you begin, hoping that if you just start talking, you’ll find the right words to explain. “I-, I didn’t think I had to. It happened once and it was a stupid mistake with… a lot of tequila involved.”

“You had just left New York and I was lonely. I didn’t say anything because… it didn’t mean anything to me, Bear.”

He listens, taking your explanation in, his eyes fixed on the floor again. He’s not mad at you, but he can’t seem to shake this feeling of anger – this tension that has him wanting to punch a hole through the wall. 

“I don’t like what he fuckin’ said to you,” he finally blurts out. 

“That- that he thinks he can just say whatever the fuck he wants. That he forced himself on Syd like that, like he can-.”

Carmy looks down at the floor again, his words trailing off. 

He’s pissed. 

You can tell he’s pissed. 

But you have a nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that says something else is going on. 

Is Carmy… jealous?

“Carmy, I’m sorry you had to find out like this,” you apologize softly. “He shouldn’t have-, I mean he really is the worst fucking person to ever walk-.”

“I’m not upset about-,” he interrupts, firmly. He holds your gaze, trying to give you the most reassuring look he can. “I don’t care about-. I just… I don’t like the way he talked to you.”

You wait as he stews on his thoughts, his anger simmering as he sorts through his feelings. It’s like watching a hot pot of water come to a boil. 

“I didn’t like seeing him touch you earlier like-.”

Let it rip.

“Like he can just put his hands on anyone he-. On you! I–.”

And then finally he explodes with, “I just fuckin’ hate that guy!”

It’s as if the pressure valve has been released as he lets out a big puff of air. While you can see it’s given him some relief, you’re still not sure what you’re supposed to offer at this moment. 

“Carmy, what can I- hmmph?” you begin to ask, before being cut off by his lips on yours. 

Well this isn’t what you were expecting.

Your head is spinning as your boyfriend kisses you with such passion, fervor, and urgency. He’s crashing his lips against yours at a desperate pace, and it’s all tongues and teeth and his hands are grabbing the back of your head, tangling into your hair. You’re not sure how you’ve gone from trying your best to hold space for your boyfriend’s feelings, to him pressing you up against the dressing room counter.

You gasp as he hoists you up onto the counter, pushing his body into yours. 

“Carmy, are you-?” you ask, feeling the tent that’s already formed in his pants as you wrap your legs around him. 

There’s a confident assertiveness he moves with, and as much as you hate to admit it, this is all turning you on.

“Hate that fuckin’ guy,” Carmy murmurs into your skin, as he begins to leave kisses down your jawline. 

His mouth moves urgently down your neck, to your shoulders, to the exposed skin the plunging neckline of your dress reveals. His teeth leave light pink and purple marks in their wake, and you’re gasping, moaning, grabbing at any part of him you can hold on to. Little love bites begin to appear, but when he’s making you feel this good, you could care less. 

He’s confident in the way he sucks little marks into your skin, biting down then immediately soothing the pain with his tongue. As he works his mouth over you, he looks up at you, his eyes wide, pupils blown out in pure desire, and it takes your fucking breath away. 

Pain and pleasure.

Just to show the whole world that you’re his. 

 “Thinks he can fuckin’ look at you. Put his fuckin’ hands on you,” he mumbles against your skin. His mouth has reached the lowest point of your plunging neckline as he stands up, pushing himself against you between your legs. 

“Baby,” you breathe out. You make a mental note to unpack why his sudden possessiveness has you so hot and bothered with your therapist next week. 

“I really, really don’t want to talk about him right now.”

Carmy drops to his knees, stripping off his suit jacket and throwing it elsewhere. The sight has you absolutely drenched and you think you may cum just from looking at him. 

“You’re mine,” is all he says, eliciting another moan from you as he sinks his teeth into the soft supple skin of your calf. You slide a heel-covered foot over his shoulder, as his lips begin trail up your calf, to your knee, to your inner thighs…

“Yes. I’m yours,” you breathe out, exasperated by Carmy’s sudden forwardness. You lean back, your head hitting the mirror with a thud. “All yours.”

He works his way up your thighs, leaving soft kisses on your inner thighs while his hands disappear underneath the skirt of your dress, frantically searching for your panties. 

“Carmy, I don’t know if we have time for-,” you gasp, as he pulls away for a moment. 

His curls are unruly from running your fingers through them, his lips swollen from the passionate makeout you started only moments ago. You feel his fingers hook underneath the top of your panties and he looks at you like he can see right through you. Holding your gaze, it’s impossible to not get lost into his ocean blue eyes you’ve fallen so deeply in love with. He takes his sweet time, teasing you, refusing to break eye contact, as he pulls your panties down your legs at an unbearable slow pace. 

You don’t look away. 

You don’t dare look away. 

Finally, finally, he breaks eye contact, sliding your panties over your feet, and putting them into his pocket as you brace yourself for what comes next. 

“We should-,” you start, your words ceasing instantly as he spreads your legs, licking a stripe up your dripping wet core. You cry out loudly, panicking almost instantly, because you don’t remember locking the damn door. 

We should stop. 

Do this elsewhere. 

Lock the door. 

Keep quiet. 

But you can’t seem to get the words out, as you let out another loud moan, and Carmy doesn’t have the heart to stop you. Something primal inside of him wants nothing more than for the whole party mere hallways away to hear you crying out his name. 

“Fuck, baby,” he murmurs, dragging his tongue through your folds. “Already so wet for me and I’ve barely even put my mouth on you.”

He wonders if there’s an award for this. 

Lifetime Loser Award.

2023’s Most Jealous Boyfriend

Chef Most Likely to Fuck His Girlfriend During the James Beard Reception Because He’s a Sad, Jealous Fuck.

“Carmy, please,” you beg, scooting your hips off the counter and pulling him up from the ground. Your demand rips him from his own self deprecating thoughts. 

“I need you inside of me. Now.” 

You need him.

“Turn around,” is all he says. 

He’s not sure where he gets the confidence for such a demand and it has you clenching around nothing. 

You’re more than happy to oblige as you whisper out a ‘yes,’ and turn yourself around to face the mirror. You can hear the sound of him unzipping his pants, then he’s hiking up the skirt of your dress once more. He puts his hands on your hips to steady you – maybe even to steady himself – and you can feel the head of his cock running through your folds. 

Just when you think you may die if you don’t get what you want, you let out the loudest cry you think has ever come out of your mouth as he pushes inside of you. You gasp, your fingers gripping the edge of the counter as you feel him shudder against your back. Your head hangs low, just focusing on memorizing how every single inch of him feels inside of you.

Carmy’s thrusts are slow at first, deep and deliberate thrusts burying himself all the way to the hilt. The sight of his cock disappearing inside of you is really testing his patience here as he thinks he may go insane. 

Back out. 

Then back in. 

“You’re so fuckin’ wet. So fuckin’ perfect for me. God, I love being inside of you,” he groans, enjoying his last few slow and deep thrusts. 

He’s got one hand on your hips and the other, wrapped around your waist. As he begins to speed up the pace of his thrusts, the hand around your waist goes to the counter too, to brace himself. 

“Carmen,” you moan his name, as he starts to go faster. “Yes. Perfect for you. Only you.”

Only you. 

Your words cause him to smirk, and the sounds you’re making only encourage him to keep fucking into you like he means it. 

“Look at yourself, baby,” he says, his words causing you to squeeze around him. He groans, his eyes rolling back, before he returns his gaze to the mirror. 

When you lock eyes, it’s like you’ve been set on fire. Your skin feels hot, and the prolonged eye contact has you squeezing around him as you start to grind against him. You feel lightheaded, breathless, purely at his mercy. 

Carmy holds your gaze through the mirror and you want to commit this photo to memory. You watch your reflections in the mirror, seeing your face change as he speeds up again. His hands are everywhere: in your hair, grabbing you breasts, tracing over the little marks he’s left all over your chest.

 “This how I make you feel? Tell me. Tell me how good I make you feel,” he asks, and you think this is the most vocal he’s been during sex.

“So good, Car,” you’re panting. He grabs a handful of your hair, guiding your head to the side so that he can kiss you. You manage to continue your praise in between wet, sloppy, and desperate kisses, and desperate thrusts between the both of you.

“So fuckin’ good. So high. Like I’ll never come back down.”

He’s satisfied with your answer, feeling more and more confident with each thrust. You can tell he likes it, so you decided, why the hell not?

“You feel incredible inside of me, baby,” you continue, wanting nothing more than to appease him. 

He’s swallowing your moans in his mouth, as he continues to fuck you, your pushing your ass back against him, your hands bracing against the mirror. You see stars as he hits that spot inside of you – the one that makes you let out a sob – and he’s bending you over the counter so that he can find that spot again and again. Carmy presses his forehead against your shoulder as his hands move underneath your skirt once again, rubbing fierce circles around your clit, trying to take you there with him. He knows he won’t last long when you’re moaning his name like that. He looks up for a moment, enjoying the reflection in the mirror a little too much, before sinking his teeth into your shoulder, feeling himself get closer… closer…

You can feel he’s close too, so you say something, something you know will bring him over the edge. 

“Want you to cum inside of me.”

“That what you want? Want me to fill you up? Have me dripping down your legs when any other fucko tries to talk to you tonight. Tries to even fuckin’ look at you…” he asks, his breath ragged and sentences becoming increasingly choppy. 

He's leaving little kisses and bite marks all over your upper back as he continues to fuck you.

“Yes,” you pant, moaning his full name once again. 

“Fffffffuck, baby. That’s so hot,” he stutters, his thrusts becoming more erratic. He grabs a handful of your ass, chasing his high with you. 

You’re squeezing your eyes shut so hard you see stars when he finds that spot again, and you remember that he wanted you to watch. You blink open your eyes, breathless as you take in the image of your boyfriend fucking you from behind. He’s got his forehead resting on your shoulder. You feel the delicious contradiction of pain and pleasure once again, as he sinks his teeth into the soft skin of your shoulder, in the same place from before.

So close. And you're already so tender.

“Carmen. Yes. Right there. Please, baby. Fuck. Don’t stop,” you’re crying out as you as your walls clamp down around him. It’s like an explosion erupts inside of you and you feel that you perhaps are on another fuckin’ plane of existence from the way he makes you feel. 

Your eyes close again as he fucks you through your orgasm, taking you higher and higher. The way your walls are squeezing around him have him on edge and he gives you one, two, and then a third thrust before painting your walls with his release too.

He stops, resting his head on your back again, still buried all the way inside of you.

Both of your heavy pants fill the room, before you interrupt the status quo with a laugh. 

“Holy shit, babe,” you finally say, exasperated and completely fucked out.

He pulls out of you, and you have to put a hand down on the counter he just bent you over, for balance as you stand up straight. You can hear Carmen pulling his pants back up and you’re adjusting your dress as you turn to look at him. His eyes are fixed on the button of his trouser pants, as you grab his face for another long, lust-filled kiss. 

“What do you say… to getting out of here? Maybe continuing this at home?” you propose, your voice hoarse from what you’ve just done. Your forehead is still pressed to his and you want nothing more for him to say ‘yes.’ 

“Fuck yes. Please,” he practically groans, wondering how it’s possible for him to be hard again already. 

“I’ll order a car,” you agree, reaching for where you left your phone on the dressing room counter. 

“Surge rates, babe” he sighs, the disappointment evident in his voice as he issues the little reminder.

You shoot him a look that says ‘you’ve got to be fucking kidding me?’

“I will pay all the surge rates in the world, if I get to have you again, as soon as possible,” you state, and he’s not sure he’s going to be able to wait till you get home.

You glance back down to your phone, your fingers moving quickly through the right buttons to get a car on the way. As soon as you see the confirmation, your swiping out of the app, and over to an unread message:

Sydney: So that was weird. Where did you guys go?

You: Out for some air. Sorry, we’ll be right back in. 

Sydney: Angel wants pizza and a few of us are gonna go. Wanna come with?

You: Think we’re gonna head home. Breakfast tomorrow? My treat. 

Sydney: 100%

You: Congratulations again, friend. Love you. 

“What’s going on?” Carmy asks, as he sees you fiercely texting away. 

“Nothin’,” you answer, seeing the Uber notification popping up on your phone. “Just telling everyone we’re gonna head home.”

You turn your back to the mirror to examine the damage, immediately spotting Carmy’s bite mark on your shoulder. 

“Carmen,” you sigh, fingertips running over the huge bite mark on your shoulder – the one he left when he made while cumming inside of you.

Carmy takes a look, a small smirk on his lips as he sees what you’re referring to. He has to admit that he’s almost… proud of himself as he leans over, leaving a soft kiss against one of the rapidly forming purple bite marks left on the back of your shoulder. 

As much as he’d like to show the entire culinary world that you’re his, he removes the suit jacket he just put back on, and hands it to you. 

“Here. You can wear this.”

You giggle, taking it and appreciating Carmen’s act of chivalry. 

“As much as I’d love to do a walk of shame through a room full of the world’s best chefs… think I’ll keep this one between me and the one that just fucked me,” you joke playfully, as you kiss him as a ‘thank you.’

You check your reflection in the mirror as you drape the coat strategically over your shoulders, making sure you both look somewhat presentable enough to flee the scene with dignity. 

“Carm?” you ask. 

“Before we leave. I just-, I want you to-,” you stammer, uncertain if you’re doing the right thing by telling him. You’d hate to play into Nate’s little game – even if you both won after what just happened. 

“Hmm?”

“Just… you know… for the sake of factual accuracy and not that we’re playing Nate’s game at all but... you and I hooked up first. Nate just doesn’t know that.”

He nods in response, trying not to make it seem like a big deal. 

But it certainly makes him feel better.

“Well, if we’re being factually accurate…” he offers up in response. “I know you always thought our whole rivalry thing was one sided… but it wasn’t.”

“No?”

“Rode that guy as hard as I could, every chance I got,” he confesses, in reference to your old, very toxic work environment. 

“Because he deserved it?” 

“Because I hated how much he flirted with you.”

You shake your head with a small smile. Your phone is buzzing in your hand, letting you know that your Uber has arrived. 

“Let’s get the fuck out of here, Bear.”

[astermath]

hi! i'd like to ask a one shot on carmen berzatto in which the reader is an italian girl her early/mid 20s who works as a waiter at the bear and is sydney's best friend. her and carmen meet through her and they start secretly dating. the rest is up to you

thank you <3

hi!! I simplified your request a little,, it's more like a blurb / headcanon thing than a oneshot because I'm working on a long chapter for my nemesis series rn lol, hope that's okay!! thank you for the request angel! ♡

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader

tags: sydney being a matchmaker somehow, not so secret relationship, exactly what it says in the ask lol, normal size font below!

wc: 0.9K

let me know if you'd like to be added to the tag list for further carmen berzatto related content!

+ when it comes to hiring waiters, carmen just wants someone who's experienced. someone who knows what they're doing and who can do it well. and quickly. this restaurant has to work, has to make everyone proud, and the staff has to reflect that.

+ sydney instantly thought of you as a reference. you'd worked at your family restaurant back in italy, and when you moved to chicago, had continued said occupation to support yourself in various restaurants. though none were as nice as "the bear".

+ so when your friend had called you up for an interview for a brand new restaurant with one of the most promising chefs of the country, of course you took the offer.

+ though carmen knew most waiters were usually... presentable, he didn't quite imagine you to be this fucking pretty when you showed up for the interview. he almost forgot every question he was meaning to ask when you walked through that door, all bubbly excitement and feminine flair.

+ he loved hearing you talk about your life in italy before moving to the states, your experiences working in the service industry, your passion for food and people... he almost forgot he was supposed to be conducting an interview at all, he just adored hearing you talk so much.

+ and sydney noticed too. she noticed the way he had such an easy time conversing with you, which is odd behavior for him, to say the least. she was just glad the two of you were getting along, and her friend had a chance of getting hired.

+ and of course you were hired. not only was carmy already hooked on you, but so was most of the other staff. your bright personality and quick witted comments were nice and refreshing when things got a little too stressful. plus, you worked fast and efficiently; what more could they ask for?

+ carmen’s interest in you remained. he knew it was a little wrong, since technically, yes, he is your boss. which is why he was a bit reluctant to do anything at first.

+ you were making all the first moves. giving him meaningful glances during quiet moments, helping him out with things that didn’t apply to your job position, staying later to help him close up and clean. even if it meant you’d be tired as all hell by the time you were home, at least you were spending time with him. to you, it was more than worth it.

+ and he seemed to think the same. carmen never thought the closing shift could be as fun as it was when you were there. these days he was almost fighting richie for it, claiming that it was more fitting for him anyways since it was his place after all.

+ late night shifts turned into walking you home. walking you home turned into hanging out at your apartment for a glass of wine. a glass of wine turned into kissing on the couch. kissing on the couch turned into staying the night… you’d fallen into a routine with him so easily, sometimes you forgot there was a time before carmen was in your life. it just felt so… natural. like it was always supposed to be like this.

+ and though you really liked carmen, you didn’t want to jeopardize your position at the restaurant. you’d finally found a stable, well paying job, it would be a shame if you lost it over a relationship with your superior. though sometimes, you wondered if it would be worth it. to risk it for carmen.

+ carmen agreed, and so the two of you continued to keep your relationship under wraps for the time being. it was for the better, and besides, it’s not like he talked much about his personal life to his colleagues either. well, except for sydney.

+ and boy did she have her suspicions. of course she’d find out eventually, she’s a very smart and observant person. she can figure out carmen so easily, so she’s definitely not oblivious to the sneaking glances and hidden smiles, or the way he always manages to stay behind with you at the restaurant. not even the hickey you tried so desperately to cover up with makeup slips past her radar.

+ but she doesn’t say anything, at least not for a while. she lets the two of you live out your little secret relationship, believing she doesn’t know, until she accidentally slips up about it.

+ you’re complaining about the noise in your apartment and your lack of sleep because of it, clearly frustrated, when sydney asks “why don’t you just sleep over at carmen’s again then?”

+ she doesn’t realise she’d revealed that she’s known all along, until you look at her like you just saw a ghost. you’re about to defend yourself and come up with some excuse, when behind your friend, you can see carmen standing at the bar, smiling to himself as he cleans the counter.

+ it brings you comfort to know that apparently, he doesn’t mind anyone knowing. the secrecy was more for you than for him if anything. you’re not his little secret, not at all, and that became very clear when he’d start talking sydney's ear off about you after. though she does find it annoying, she’s glad two very important people in her life have found each other and are making it work.

+ plus, it’s nice that you two always cover the closing shift.

+ though she has her doubts about what you two are actually up to alone in the restaurant past closing time.

tag list <3

@beebslebobs @thatone-brightstar  @spr3id  @deadandstill  @777iii  @magicboytrash  @wiipes @sierrahhh  @crayzmarvelfan800 @azxulaa  @astridyoo15   @rexorangecouny  @azxulaa @jointherebellion215  @wolfiealina @dogdevourer 

[forever-rogue]

Idk if your taking requests rn especially for Narcos but how about Dulzura reconnecting with her old roommate Sarah and she asked Dulzura if she’s still with Javi and she tells her about how they have five kids now.

AN | No, but just imagine the surprise! Can be read as a stand alone or part of the ‘verse! ❤️

Pairing | Javier x Fem!Reader 

Warnings | Language

Word Count | 2.7k

Masterlist | Main, Javier, A Good Man ‘Verse

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"Hi honey," sometimes the sight that greeted you when you got home was still enough to leave you floored. Your older kids were running around, the younger two were coloring and Javi was on the couch, holding the baby in his arms as he tried to get her to sleep. You stopped for a moment, loathe to kill the moment. 

"Mama!" Diego stopped you first and ran over to you as best as he could, wrapping his arms around your legs, "you're home!"

"I'm home," you beamed at him, ruffling his dark hair affectionately as Lucia waved happily before going to join Santi and Thea. The two of them had been too wrapped up to notice that anything had changed, "hiya Javi. Doing okay, cielito?"

"Tired," but he nodded as he slowly stood up, trying his best not to wake the barely sleeping baby. She was finally out and he let out a sigh of relief, "this one has been fussy all day."

"She's your daughter after all," you leaned in and gently pressed a kiss to his cheek, trying not to wake her, “hello, my love. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you,” the relief was clear on his face. He’d been through a lot and could handle almost anything, but two days alone with five kids? That was like some sort of hellish crash course, “part of me was worried that you wouldn’t come back at all.”

“The thought did cross my mind,” you teased, “but I happen to be fairly attached to you. And our children of course.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he snorted in amusement as you playfully scoffed at him. He grinned before playfully swatted at your bum, causing you to jump slightly, “now we’re even!”

“Javier-” but before you could reprimand him, the baby started to wake up and make a few sounds of discontent. You held out your arms and motioned for him to hand her to you, which he gently did, “come here, Isabella. I think you’ve tortured your papa enough for today.”

“I wouldn’t say torture-”

“Javi, it’s okay to admit that it’s rough and not always fun,” you insisted, “it doesn’t mean we don’t love them. They’re just…a lot.”

“A lot,” he agreed as he followed you into the kitchen, “whoever decided that five kids was a good idea?”

“The same person that decided to make us very fertile,” you grinned, sitting on the bar stool as Javier went to start dinner. The other kids were still occupied and it seemed like your youngest really had just wanted you, “oh! Guess what - exciting news!”

“Oh my god,” he shut the fridge and turned around dramatically, “don’t say you’re pregnant again.”

“No,” you stated firmly before dissolving into giggles, “no. Definitely not.”

“Thank god,” but he was laughing, and so were you, “I think that might literally kill me. I’m an old man, Dulzura.”

“Whatever Javier,” you shook your head fondly as Isabella babbled away happily as though she was part of the conversation, “what I was going to say was that I ran into Sarah over the weekend!”

“Your old roommate?”

“Yes! I haven’t seen her…” you mused for a moment, “I think since we were in college. So like you know about twelve years. It was so nice to run into her…we’re going to get lunch tomorrow.”

“That’s great,” he leaned over and touched your face, brushing his thumb over your cheek, “I’m glad you got the chance to see her again.”

“Me too,” you grinned and before clearing your throat, “Javier? You know how very much I love you, right?”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing! I just want to make sure you know you’re the love of my life,” your voice was sweet as honey and your husband just raised his eyebrow. Yeah, he knew you better than that, “that you’re the only thing in life I want.”

“Dulzura…”

“Fine! What I said holds true though,” you offered him the best puppy dog eyes you could muster up, “could you, pretty please, watch the kiddos tomorrow so I can go? I can bring Bella so you can focus on work…or I can reschedule. I should have asked first, I don’t want to force this on you.”

“Relax,” he leaned over and kissed you softly, “I want you to go and have fun, okay? You don’t have to ask, I don’t mind at all, they’re my kids too. Okay?”

“Okay,” your lips pulled into a small smile as you sighed softly, “thank you, Javi. You always know what to say. I love you.”

“I love you, Dulzura.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It felt so strange to be out and only have one child in tow. Granted, it was your youngest and she still needed the most attention. But still…it was surprisingly tranquil - not that you didn’t love the chaos of your small brood. 

You were running slightly late, despite your best efforts, and were left breathless by the time you were at the restaurant. You were held to the back patio area and found that Sarah was already waiting for you. 

“Hi! I’m so sorry I’m late,” you offered her a sheepish smile as you set the carrier on one of the chairs; Isabella was already out for a nap. Sarah shook her head and stood up to give you a hug, “it’s so good to see you again. It’s really been way too long.”

“Seriously,” she agreed before peeking at the sleeping baby, “and who is this?”

“This is my daughter, Isabella,” you grinned as you gently stroked her rosy, chubby little cheek, “I think she’d be out already but she’s been a little fussy when it comes to sleeping lately so I’m sure she’s tired.”

“She’s adorable,” and yeah. You agreed - the two of you had made some pretty cute kids, “it’s hard to think that she could be anything but an angel.”

“Ahh,” you sat down and laughed softly, “she’s got you fooled already. She’s good at that.”

“Yeah, but how could you ever be mad at a face like that?” you sighed heavily and gave her a sheepish little shrug, "ahh, I'm guessing you don't!"

"We do not," you confirmed, "do you have any little ones yet?"

"Ahh no," she leaned back in her chair and relaxed, "not sure if I even want to. And I'm not with anyone. Dating…sucks. I'm just happy doing my own thing and whatever ends up happening will be just fine. Still - I can't believe you have a kid!"

"Oh," you were about to explain before the waiter came to take your order, and had a moment of reprieve. You knew that your life was a lot, but you still loved it, "she's my youngest actually. I, ugh, I have five kids."

She almost choked on her drink as your cheeks warmed up, "five?! You have five small humans?"

"I have five small humans," you grinned, "a girl, a boy, twins - a girl and a boy, and now this little lady. Lucia, Diego, Thea, Santi, and Bella."

"Holy shit," she was incredulous, "three girls and two boys! Wait - you have to have another now - even it up, ya know?"

"You're the worst," you laughed, "its okay, Javi makes it three boys, he's basically a big kid."

"Javi," she looked at you with wide eyes, "Javi. As in hot professor Peña!? You’re still together?"

"That Javi," you nodded happily, "we're married. We actually had our tenth wedding anniversary a few months ago."

"Oh my god," she reached over and squeezed your hand, "that's so romantic. I always wondered if the two of you stayed together, but this is…wow. Ten years and five kids, and you're still in love? It's disgusting."

"It's the worst," the two of you shared a small laugh, "but yeah, it's just been. It's been a lot, you know? But I wouldn't change a thing."

"It's the stuff like that that makes me believe in things like happily ever after," a wistful sigh escaped her lips. You agreed.

"Enough about me," you waved your hand, "tell me everything - it's been a long time!"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It was later than you had intended by the time you'd gotten home, and despite the fun afternoon, you were glad to be back with your family. 

Javier came out to greet you as soon as he heard your car. He was dressed down but still handsome as ever; as soon as you opened the car door he was at your side and pulling you into his arms. 

"Javier-"

"Dulzura," he took your face in his hands and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to your lips. You practically melted into his touch, still growing shy and trying to hide your face in his chest, "silly girl. How was your afternoon?"

"It was good," you reached up and brushed a few of his rogue curls out of his face, "would have been even better with you there."

"I always feel the same," he brushed his knuckles across your cheek, "how was Bella?"

"A dream," you peeked into the backseat and found her fast asleep in the car seat, "little miss was on her best behavior. How were the others?"

"Good," he promised and you relaxed ever so slightly. It wasn't that you didn't trust Javi…the kids were just a lot, "took them and the dogs to the park and they were good so they got ice cream on the way home."

"Aww, that's wonderful," you kissed his cheek, "so either they have a ton of energy or they've crashed…"

"Nap time all around," he winked, "let's get this one inside and then take advantage of the quiet."

"You read my mind," you gave him a high five as he gingerly took the baby out of the car seat.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were currently sitting on the counter, helping Javi with dinner. Not so much helping as sipping on some wine and keeping him company. He stopped what he was doing every once in a while and gave a kiss, just like he always did. Even after all these years it still made your heart so happy.

“Sarah said something funny today,” you smiled at him over the top of your wine glass and saw him stop chopping for a moment, “after I told her we’re married and have a bunch of kids.”

“Oh?” he knew you were up to something from the little smirk on your face, “dime, trouble.”

“She said we gotta have another kid and make sure it’s a boy,” you tried to keep your face as neutral as possible as Javier turned to look at you with a look of shock and badly disguised panic on his face, “you know, since we have the three girls and two boys.”

“Dulzura…”

“Relax,” you grinned at him softly, “I am not pregnant and I told her that I’ve got you. You’re like a big kid.”

He let out a slow exhale before pretending to throw you a mock glare, “excuse me - last time I checked I am the most mature out of all of us.”

“Whatever you say, cielito,” you slid off the counter and stood behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist as your rested your cheek on his shoulder, “I love you regardless.”

“Hmm,” he hummed in content as he gave your hand a squeeze, “I love you.”

“I invited Sarah over for dinner next weekend,” you untangled yourself away from him and gently nudged him to the side with your hip, taking over the chopping duties, “it’s supposed to be nice weather. I was thinking we could have a barbecue. Maybe invite Steve and Connie and some of our other friends. It’s been a while since we’ve had a chance to get together with everyone.”

“That sounds great,” he agreed, “I also had an idea too.”

“Look at us go,” you high-fived each other, “what’s your idea, Javi?”

“I was thinking, now that the kids are a little older, it might be nice to go on a little trip,” you stopped what you were doing and you turned to him, “it doesn’t have to be anything huge. We could just kind of try it out as well. Maybe we could go camping for the weekend or something.”

“Oh Javi,” if your hands weren’t currently covered in different juices you would have grabbed him then and there, “that’s a lovely idea. Crazy, but lovely. Are you sure?”

“We’re going to have to take them all out together at some point, so we might as well get in some practice,” he explained, “and I do happen to love all of them and like spending time with them…so.”

“So…” the smile  on your face was enough to let Javi know that it was a worthwhile idea. But your face quickly fell and turned into a frown, “wait - Javier. You don’t like camping.”

“We’ve gone camping before-”

“I forced you,” a little pout form on your lips and Javi couldn’t stop himself from kissing it away. When he pulled back you shook your head, “you didn’t want to go at first.”

“I ended up having a lot of fun,” he promised, “anything with you, or our kids, is worthwhile.”

“Javi…”

“Dulzura,” he put his hands on your shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze, “I want to do this. I wouldn’t suggest it if I really didn’t want to.”

“Okay,” you nodded softly as pressed kisses all over your face.

“If you don’t want to go camping, we could also try something else,” he reassured you, “maybe not Disney World just yet, but we’ll work our way up there, yeah?”

“Yeah-”

“Can we go to the zoo?” Santi was holding onto his blanket as he padded into the kitchen, wiping the sleep from his eyes, “I wanna see the animals.”

“Come here, mijo,” Javi crouched down and held out his arms, wrapping the boy up in a warm hug before settling him on his hip, “you want to go to the zoo, huh? What about camping?”

"Both," he put a chubby little hand on Javier's cheek and gave him a serious little look, "what's camping, daddy?"

You couldn't help but laugh at your son; he was so much like you. Always ready for an adventure even when you weren't positive as to what was going on.

"Camping is when we go to the woods and sleep in tents and spend a few days away from home in nature," Javier explained and Santi was clearly trying to put everything together, "we could swim, fish, and sleep under the stars."

"Oh," his little eyes lit up with excitement, "can Stevie and Charlie come too?"

"They sure can," five kids and two dogs? Pure chaos. 

"Okay," he nodded seriously, "we go campin'. But can we go to the zoo first?"

"Of course," Javier was never one to say no to his children, "how about we go tomorrow?"

"Yay!" He cheered happily, kicking his legs to be let down. As soon as his feet hit the ground, he started running towards the stars, "I gotta tell them!"

"Well then," you turned towards your husband, "it sounds like we've got some busy weekends coming up."

"Think we'll survive?" he teased as you raised an eyebrow at him.

"Only one way to find out," you reached for your glass and took a long sip, "we have to do what we always do - dive in headfirst."

"We're pretty good at that."

"Yeah, we are," you agreed softly, "I love you, Javi."

"I love you, Dulzura,” he whispered in between kisses, “you and our bunch of chaos.”

[remcycl333]

Rem , how to manifest your dream life entirely like all at once step by step? I feel overwhelmed 😭 like i intend to enter the state by saying "i have everything i desire" but i don't feel anything at all

I can't visualize at all and i can't even remember consciously everything i desire because i have like a lot ☹️ Do you think i should just manifest my desires one by one?

I'm sorry if you got this question a lot 🙏🏻

you don't need to feel anything when you enter a state! think of it this way: you KNOW you own the shirt you're wearing rn. what do you feel when you think about owning it? probably nothing! when you HAVE something, after a while, it's not gonna excite you anymore because its normal for you to have it. you don't need to feel a single thing while in the state!

you don't need to visualize at all! i don't visualize ever. and you don't need to remember everything you're manifesting. referring to your desire as your "dream life" and stepping into the state of having your dream life is enough!!

[venusvity]

POSTED ON :: ???

As promised, FLOWERBANK Entertainment released their 2023 artist roster and the trainees they set to debut this year on their website.

Many were overjoyed to see the once missing now seemingly found VENUS leader, Baebi, with a new headshot alongside the other four members of VENUS. This is the first real sign of life from Jung Yoonah after a Year of disappearing from promotions and social media though she has yet to officially come back to either of those yet.

Check out VENUS' stunning new artist profile pictures!

Though VENUS fans rejoiced at the reunion of OT5, DeepDive fans were met with not as joyful news. An hour before their roster was updated, Flowerbank released a statement stating that DeepDive's leader, Han, would not be signing to the agency and leaving DeepDive.

Han is one of the original five members in DeepDive and has been with the group for nine years, originally debuting in 2014 under STORMEDIA before being transferred to Angelico. Many fans were stunned to see him leave the group while many weren't, saying he lost interest in idol life since the death of Noah Son which he's expressed publicly many times.

"I'm sorry to our sirens who are hurt by my decision," Han writes in is departure letter, "After nearly ten years with DeepDive, I believe it is my time to go. This has nothing to do with Flowerbank Entertainment, they've been very supportive and loving in the short time we've negotiated working together, more so with my disinterest in being an idol at this point in my life. I've been through a lot with this group, given up so many things, and lost a lot but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I will always love DeepDive and the members but it's time for me to go home. I will always support DeepDive. I will always support and love Jisung, Finn, Kiwoo, Noah, Woobin, Cam, and Jacob as well as the previous members. Thank you for an amazing decade (let's round up lol) I am forever grateful."

Han has mentioned his interest in acting and becoming a soloist in Japan. The members have been very supportive of his decision, with both Jisung and Finn posting photos of them sending Han off at the airport while the other members posted one final group photo on their respective Instagrams.

Despite the sad news, their Flowerbank artist profile update left many fans curious as to what's next due to a seventh photo of what appears to be a blurred male with the text "Coming Soon" leaving many fans to speculate and theories to fly around.

Check out DEEPDIVE'S stunning new artist profile pictures!

This seemingly marks a new and brighter era for the artists, many of them expressing their joy and excitement for this new chapter.

 [ +1029, -384 ] no one should be shocked about han leaving seeing he tried to terminate his contract in 2018 and angelico threatened to sue him lmao good for him

      [ +863, -271 ] BAEBI IS ALIVE!!!! AND SHE'S HOT!!!

      [ +726, -485 ] every time deepdive loses a member they drop a banger so everyone say thank you han

      [ +620, -139 ] kiwoo always the main event

      [ +578, -387 ] YOONAH LOOKS STUNNING OMG 😭😭

      [ +502, -208 ] i hope sirens are nicer to the new member than they were to cam. they were so cruel to him 😭

      [ +458, -139 ] oh chloe means BUSINESS

      [ +453, -87 ] the venus girls are glowing!! all of them look so beautiful and bright. i can't wait to see what they do!!

      [ +324, -108 ] kiwoo: omg im the only one serving cunt rn 😭😭😭 this is soooo embarrassing 😭😭😭

[transmickey]

woop woop happy tag game tuesday 🥳 ty for tagging friends @mickeysgaymom @creepkinginc + @lupeloto

name: ajax

age: alexa play '20 something' by sza

how many hours of sleep did you get last night? a little under 5 hours 😬 which is the most i've gotten in weeks 😬

which do you use more: tumblr mobile or desktop? desktop! i only really use mobile when i'm out somewhere

a hobby you'd like to pick up: i wanna get back into drawing its been a while !! or maybe baking

if you were a crayon, what color would you be? hm. light blue i think *insert light blue heart emoji* (why don't i have that emoji on my laptop)

what was your average screen time last week? i don't have screen time tracking turned on and i'm honestly not sure i want to know

a song you put on every playlist: ooo it's hard to pick one but 'robbers' by the 1975 (seeing this song live changed the trajectory of my life i think). i love makin playlists i do!

favorite holiday: i don't really care for any of them 🤷‍♂️

something on your bucket list: i'd loooove to travel more if i have the time after graduating ✈️ especially around the us ( i've only ever been to one state :sadcat: )

you’re invited to a costume party, what are you dressing up as? !!! i don't know. my head is literally empty rn. sorry!

what show takes up the most space in your brain? shameless of course .. lately i've been having many succession and hannibal thoughts too though

and finally, share something you’re looking forward to: i'm seeing my best friend for the first time after years next week 🥳🫶 very very excited eeee

tagging : @jademickian @swiftfootedachilles @softmick @metalheadmickey @heymrspatel @such-a-barbarian @gardenerian @grumble-fish @milkmaidovich @tanktopgallavich if you'd like to!! and anyone else of course 🫂

[goshdarnitjay]

So so excited for the continuation of lonely heart settle down. I know that the fic is a huge success. Have you ever expected it to be so well received? And how do you feel having to continue such a well loved fic? Nervous or confident? Cuz I know that it can be heat revisiting a fic written so long ago do you find it easy to pick up your inspiration from where h left off or do u reckon you will be having some writers blocks?

I never in a million years thought it would gather so much approval tbh. But then again, I didn't expect What You Owe to be so well-received, either. When I leave AO3 to work on a long project, sometimes I forget that there are readers who will still be there when I get back. 😂😂 But i also never factor in mass-appeal. i write, first and foremost, for me. sometimes, i write for my three closest friends, but our tastes are p similar in a lot of ways (aside from the one who doesn't like ABO. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! your sins will not be forgiven.)

It's kind of odd to think about a continuation of lonely heart, settle down., because I wrote that first chapter in such a fever-dream state. I basically wrote it over the span or four or five days (iirc) and all of it exclusively after 9-10 hour shifts at work (early morning shifts). And yet it came out so well that I am now apprehensive about continuing it when I will not be such a state. but then again, I'm not worried at the same time. After a year of working on it, I can finally enjoy What You Owe again. I resented it for the entire second half of writing it, pretty much. But those chapters and the conclusion still turned out great imo (I guess you'll see once it's fully uploaded).

I don't really worry about writer's block anymore. if i really, truly don't feel like writing, I'll just take that day off. because i know i'll get back to it the day after. rn, i am prioritizing writing over all other hobbies, because no other hobby has ever given me such prolongued joy (and frustration. sometimes i really, really hate writing, but i always love what it creates--i talk a lot about word count, because Number Go Up makes me feel good and gives me dopamine, but i truly, truly just love rereading what i've written and feeling Good About Something I've Made. i don't get that a lot in the other parts of my life).

Oh and btw Ch18 just dropped ayyyooo

[theofreakingbell]

I'm sad I haven't been able to be on here much for a while, a lot has happened and I've been very tired from it but we have a very good lead on what may be wrong with me and causing the sensory f*ckery and I've been feeling a lot of things because of that. Hope, terror that it's another dead end, an odd sort of numbness because it's so overwhelimg in a way, the fact that this has been messing with me for over half my life and only now after it has held me in a profoundly messed up and horrible state for 5+ years am I beginning to get any sort of explaination as to why, let alone how to remedy it. 

I don't wanna say the name of it rn, and I hopefully will be getting scans soon to confirm, but I think this is it. the symptoms match up perfectly, and I sobbed when I googled it and read things bc if this suggestion is right, I was so close. so so tremendously close. down to the precise part of the inner ear that is affected. that was my guess and what I was demanding be investigated. the scans I was begging for, even tho my doctor thought it was unlikely, would have found it too. I was second guessing myself badly bc I had no hard proof and I had no idea if I would ever know because of how many times I've been given nothing or they found nothing but yeah. I may know for sure soon and that's huge. huge huge. 

but yeah it's a lot and since I can barely move or think on a normal day it's been very hard but also I am so excited to see if we're right. bc that could unlock a world of possibility much of which I thought I had lost forever (not so much the light sensitivity, that only got really bad 6 or so years ago so I figured it hopefully wasn't permanent but the vestibular issues have been bad enough since I was around twelve I could not casually lay down except for sleeping because it would disorient me so much, so the possibility of like even... laying on the floor with my cats... I nearly tear up at it. it's wild). the condition it likely is is treatable! fixable, even! just one fairly small surgery to fix the issue. it's surreal

but yeah it's a lot and I'm exhausted so I have no idea if I'll be on here much but for once it's not just cause something is bad! and I wanted to tell y'all that cause I'm so hopeful rn 🥹☺️❤️

[bleachbleachbleach]

7/29 - 8/6/2023

I started last weekend really excited about writing Renji 2, and had a good time with that. And then proceeded to have no writing time past last weekend. =_= I just need to chill out and accept that life is going to be about driving and People and racecars and the Women's World Cup rn and not about my blorbos and stories. Not that I don't also like the aforementioned but also MY BLORBOS AND STORIES THO. ):

As excited as I am about this chapter I'm still not sure if it ~works because Renji is just infodumping about 79 different things, and the part I wrote was about written vs. actually-followed easement policy in West Rukongai and how long it takes to run places. Which on one hand, Renji Why, but on the other, Why Not, Renji.

Something I have done a lot of this week, though, is driving—more in the last 7 days than in the last 7 months, to be specific—and I got reacquainted with my nemesis, audiobooks. I still don’t think I actually like audiobooks, but all of the books I listened to were very enjoyable in spite of the format, and I recommend all of them! This is especially exciting because these choices were guided by "what is currently available at the library."

The week’s roadtrip audiobook selections:

H is for Hawk, Helen MacDonald (2014)

Psalm for the Wild-Built, Becky Chambers (2021)

Orange World, Karen Russell (2019)

The Nickel Boys, Colson Whitehead (2019)

H is for Hawk, Helen MacDonald (2014) I’ve been wanting to read this book for a long time, but I’m glad I didn’t get a chance to until now, because coming off of condor!Tobiume this book was especially exciting. I didn’t realize until listening that it drew so heavily on The Once and Future King (and TH White’s biography in general) as intertext, which has really made me want to re-read that book, since I haven’t read it since the summer after I graduated high school. H is for Hawk is a falconry memoir, and it is quite a bit about birds—the goshawk Mabel in particular—which I figured would be a good time, from a creative nonfiction, ecology writing POV, two genres I generally like. But oh my god it is so much better than I already thought it was going to be! MacDonald has such strong analysis of masculinist, neoliberal cultures past and present, and the kinds of mythologies falconry comes from with regard to class and gender (and sexuality, re: TH White), and her own parsing of these things as she grows up. I want to read this book again.

Psalm for the Wild-Built, Becky Chambers (2021) I am OBSESSED with this book and I keep recommending it to everyone I see. It’s about a tea monk on a future moon where, in the distant past, robots developed to work in human factories gained sapience and left the human places to go live freely and separate in the wilds. Yearning for something missing from their life, the tea monk sets off into the wilds and encounters a robot who has been sent out to check in on the humans, and to answer the question, “What do humans need?” I don’t know that I am usually a robot person—but I am a traveling tea monk person haha—but I love these robots so, so much. They name themselves for the first things they see, so they all have plant/animal names. They hyperfixate on watching stalagmites grow, for centuries. This book is so soft and thoughtful and incredibly thought-provoking. It’s about a future that doesn’t rely on post-apocalypse; nothing overtly dramatic happens but everything is gripping.

Orange World, Karen Russell (2019) This is collection of short stories—I was able to pay attention to some far more than others, but Russell had the most interesting prose for me. There were lines where I was like, man, I wish I were reading this so I could copy this down.” Really strong sense of region and place in each story, and the world building (as one might hope of a book titled Orange World) is superb. I was familiar with Russell conceptually but hadn’t read anything by her before. My favorites were the story about Plains State/Midwestern storm farmers, who captured, husbanded, and rented out storms of various stripes—and now their industry was being affected by climate change. And the story about four sisters who are gondoliers, and use echolocation (of a sort) to navigate the span of a short story.

WIP-wise, I guess LOL I’d love to write as beautifully as Karen Russell does!! But more seriously I guess it’s about being bold about the mechanics of a world and how much it is possible to accomplish even in the span of a short story.

The Nickel Boys, Colson Whitehead (2019) I’m only halfway through this one, but it’s historical fiction about a reform school in the South during Brown v Board of Education, and the false promises experienced while attempting to integrate the South.

As far as where this could be WIP research, Whitehead does a great job of minor timeskips across the parts of the novel, including skips of actually writing out major precipitating events, which makes me feel more embolden about how I’ve structured some of this WIP.

[allylikethecat]

hey ally! just thought i’d check in and see what’s going on in life rn. no need to rush on anything, just curious if you’ve enjoyed your travels!! 😁

Hello! Thank you so much for sending in this sweet message 🥰 The last few weeks have been a whirlwind!

First I went to LA to visit some childhood friends, (always great seeing the gang and spending time with them, even if I hate LA as a city lol) then came back home and started my new job (!!!)

I am super happy with my new job and super excited about it (yay for making career moves and moving up in the world!) I'm now working with one of my best friend's husband's who is also a very good friend of mine and even though the position is a "higher level" and technically more responsibility than I had before (and also pays a lot more 💀) I think it's going to be less stressful because the company culture is a lot healthier than the toxic mess I was in before. It's also FULLY remote instead of hybrid (I'm also only working one job now!! 🎉) I used to just sit in my office and cry because I was so stressed and I don't think that's going to be the case anymore lol (and if it is at least I'll be crying from the comfort of my own home!)

Then because the company is based in Germany, our entire US team was flown out to Germany for the week, where we spent the week in meetings which were super cool and a great way to hands on learn the company and my new role and get to know my colleagues as well as partaking in a bunch of team bonding activities! Overall it was a super cool and super fun experience and I'm even more excited about the company and my role! I'm still in the "learning everything I can" and "training" portion of the job, but so far so good!!

After way too many hours of travel because I live in the western half of the United States I am home! Yesterday I was kind of a mess because I had been awake for over 24 hours by the time I got home just before midnight BUT I am back in business now and excited to return to the regularly scheduled Ally programing 😊

I apologize for the long and rambling answer - I got excited someone asked about lil ole me lol. Thank you so much for this ask and your continued support! I hope you had a great weekend and that you have a fabulous week!

❤️Ally

[siswritesyanderes]

Hey just a random anon poppin' in to say love your fic on Deltarune, ngl at first thought I wouldn't like it had been reading a lot of stuff looking for a good yandere kris as I was craving it but all of them left me disconnected how ironic with your fic title it finally scratched that itch and even allowed me to start reading some other stuff now feeling more connected to the idea of kris

However, don't think I've found one yet that tops your idea of them and the way you write them (I've also only looked on Tumblr so far but with how great yours has been at having me on the edge of my seat I don't know if I'll ever find one that tops you)

And goner! Goner is amazing! I usually end up either just accepting or hating a lot of writers who insert characters that feel like mostly oc material but goner doesn't at all and fits really well with the story (Really impressive tbh cuz sometimes on first readings even when a character isn't the op oc insert and actually plays into the story I can end up feeling eh about them just due to deciding they are but goner just immediately on the first few lines captivated me)

It probably helps that most of it is your interpretation on them since Kris also doesn't have much personality known about them so cause of that nothing feels screaming out of place or wrong instead it reminds me of when I read a lot of au stuff- with fics that feel like their trying to capture the magic of the source material I think I get a lot more critical but your writing in this fic has it's own magic and lore

Like why they're both obsessed! The SOUL is pretty much drug-like and addicting to such a point without their guidance Kris is crippled, this not only creates amazing tension with their weakened state but also really makes you think about if it's actually even good for either of them to pine after the very soul that will take them both over. But as the soul we also have a life not of our own to live, to see, and explore every possibility and every outcome. The reader is almost god-like with resets but an easily chained-up one without a host. Which also creates an understanding of why Kris chooses to put the reader in a cage, limit them and create interest and mystery but also because that feeling of power over something so powerful has to also be somewhat addicting and why they view the soul as wholeheartedly (pun intended) *theirs*

And it also shows how much they're willing to go through to get it back that even while weakened and at every possible disadvantage they still want to risk it all.

And honestly with all of this really do feel like the SOUL in this situation, which may be my favorite part as the main element you do keep in deltarune is that feeling of playing a game. Is there that concern for goner? Yes, but do I also want to see how far goner and kris will go tearing each other apart to see who gets the SOUL? Also yes. Recreates that aspect of deltarune very well including the accurate freak out every person playing games has when the character their playing makes a sudden decision [See goner killing a monster cuz they called them Kris] and it perfectly ties it back into the plot and uses it to make further tension as the SOUL just goes along this new path while Kris is freaking out thinking there have already been resets because of it.

Just? Love? So? Much?

Keep doing what you're doing- I hope my feedback has only influenced you in positive ways- (slightly debated on taking out the more negative aspects where I mentioned things I disliked in other fics and things I hyper-fixated on or possibly misremembered outa fear it would make you change yourself too much- I have no idea what I'm talking about or what makes a story a good story only what makes my brain go brrrrrrr and that's all you should read this as, someone just really over-excited rn- ill probably calm down later)

Wow, thank you so much! This was an absolutely delightful ask/comment! I'm so glad you've been enjoying Verge of Connection so far! It's been very fun to write. 😁

[inkmiracle]

you rang?

can you do platonic jax & reader scenario where caine throws a team cooking competition and reader was unfortunate enough to be paired with jax...

though uhh. with reader in the mix there would be an uneven number of contestants (7) so someone is either alone or has a team of 3

HI ANON YES I DID RING

AND YES YESY YESYSEYSYEYSEYSYE IM HOPPING TO IT!!! RN!!!

also i am SoSoSoSorry if this is a little (or a lot) ooc :((

im having a bit of trouble with character study rn so im suffering sosbs

things that i did that i can edit if you dont like:

quiet reader

nameless reader (no y/n)

gender neutral reader (no specification so i used theythem)

jax kinda warms up to reader slightly, they're friends who would drop kick each other off the empire state building if given the chance at the end

and also i had some baking thrown in i dont know why i had trouble with finding something they could cook !!

Jax and Reader (G/N, no y/n used just they and "newbie") in a cooking activity

Caine had cooped everyone up as quickly as possible.

"Hello, hello! I have prepared a brilliant activity for you all today, my amazing performers!"

With the entire circus crew either groaning or in silence (with the exception of Jax and his snide remarks), the talking pair(?) of teeth with eyes chirped suddenly.

"Great! Glad to see you're all super excited! Now, let's get to ...Cooking!"

Silence. Absolute silence. If crickets existed in the circus, they would be going wild right now.

"C-cooking? Did I hear that right?" Ragatha piped up, her voice quivering slightly. Her expression faltered.

"Very much so, Ragatha!" Caine shouted (unreasonably loudly).

Aaaand, there came the chatter again. Freaking out, everyone was talking to one another, except Jax and the newest member of the circus. As Caine paired the rest of the circus together in groups, herding in a desperate-to-escape Zooble, Jax stepped back. "Count me out," remarked the rabbit. "I'd rather have an anvil dropped on me than this." The newbie was still quiet, though.

"What, really? Nothing to say, even after this entire thing? I've seen a lot of newbies pipe up faster than you," Jax teased.

After tuning out the ringmaster's loud and cheery voice announcing who would be paired together (which consisted of Pomni and Gangle, Caine and Bubble [they were the judges], Kinger (alone), and Ragatha and Zooble),

Which left Jax and ...the new one.

And the rabbit was NOT happy.

"No, nope, nada, never in my life. Count me out, Caine."

Jax folded his sticklike arms, defiant about the whole situation. He would die on this hill, cooking was so much worse than whatever was going on the other days.

"Come on now, Jax, it can't be that bad!"

A few minutes passed. Everyone was set up at their respective kitchen stations.

"Because of my abilities as the ringmaster and Bubble here's culinary expertise, we will be judging as not to be unfair! You will be "

Caine clapped his hands together, leaving the gloved appendages clasped in approval.

"You may begin!!"

Everyone started rushing off, except Jax who didn't want to do this at all.

"Nope, I'm gonna say it again. Never."

And after a LOT of persuading from Caine and the newbie, he finally caved.

"Fine, fine! I'll do it if you leave me alone. Got it?"

And so when the new member set off to get the ingredients, Jax reluctantly looked through the options.

"Spanish rice - no. - Hashbrown casserole - nah - COOKED RABBIT??? -- Oh, here. Grilled cheese or something, I guess that's good?"

And the two of them set off, not without some complaining from Jax whenever he was asked to do something, even a simple task. He did help though, and was surprisingly good once he got used to it. Jax eventually got extremely focused, fixating himself on winning this contest.

"Hey, newbie. Grab the butter."

"Over here, dork."

"Ay! Hurry it up over there-"

And when prompted to help, he was - well a lot easier to work with. It seemed Jax had started to enjoy this. Even just bantering with the new circus member, or talking about whatever while they cooked a meal that originally passed as "just seems easy enough", Jax felt comfortable. He completely felt relaxed and chill, forgetting the competition.

When the time came, Caine beeped. Loudly.

"Attention master chefs! Time is up!!"

All the teams nervously presented the food they made. Zooble and Ragatha first, with a pot roast, Gangle and Pomni next with pancakes, Kinger with an unidentifiable ...something, and Jax with the newbie.

After trying everything, Caine and Bubble chatted for a moment, hushed. "Well, in a turn of events, Jax's team wins!"

Caine knew now - this was something they'd have to do again sometime if it worked this well.

[ganondorf--apologist]

(Genuinely curious to see your top five!) :3cc Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love❤

dakjsfkljaslkfjsa;kldfj yus! All of these are hk ones lol, which are all set in the In Defiance of Time fic series, but without further ado-

Chili's Top 5 Self Recs:

In Defiance of Time (multichapter, still in progress)

No surprises here in the number one spot is absolutely, hands down, In Defiance of Time and I'm absolutely going to use this as an excuse to gush about it! It's a time travel fic where Ghost panics after they [spoiler] and makes a desperate jump anywhere into the past, landing all the way back at the very beginning of their life before the fall of Hallownest. Through their decisions and continued attempts to run from their problems they kick off a chain of events that land NKG in the role of Tragic Secondary Antagonist and Ghost in the role of Main Antagonist and Final Boss, with Hollow taking Ghost's place as the Main Protagonist after much build up alongside an ensemble protag squad. Writing it has been a lot of fun, especially the challenge of having a story with conflict and fighting and angst and death without having any villains. I love this fic and writing it so far has been one hell of a ride, which I pretty much expected after writing chapter 2 when I figured out both why Ghost went back in time and subsequently what the ending was going to be, and realized that I was not, in fact, writing a comedy, and rewrote chapter 1 accordingly. I stick by the change in direction and themes though, learning how to face your regrets and making the choice to try and become a better person even when you feel as though you're a lost cause and that such efforts would be futile is something that hits right at my heart and in a way it kinda feels like I'm writing a story for the me from a decade ago. For that remorse filled, self-loathing, suicidally depressed, asshole who wanted to be better but had no idea how or if it was even possible that I used to be, to tell them that it's not easy, shitty things and even shittier things are still going to happen and you're going to fall back on awful habits that bring that asshole part of you back to the forefront, but you'll keep trying and you'll keep learning and you'll change, you're not doomed to be like this forever. It's a message I think I'm always going to stand by.

2. Next up is Silly Little Wyrm (multichapter, still in progress)

Set in the past, Silly Little Wyrm follows PK and WL at the time when they first meet and the events leading up to them getting married and PK subsequently becoming king. A slow burn romance between two incredibly sad disaster gods with an ending that's going to be bittersweet. I love this one, I love writing these two dorks since I'm a married dork myself, and I also love angst which this story will definitely have a lot of. I'm also having a lot of fun writing their love story since I always love reading love stories where the two leads spend time in an in between state in a nebulous "idk what we are, we're very close and I love you and we kiss but neither of us are in a state to be in a relationship rn" area and I'm excited for these two to get to that point in the story (one day :'D).

3. To Be The Hollow Knight (one-shot)

This one's a Hollow character study exploring their thoughts and feelings about being The Hollow Knight. I'm definitely really proud of this one and I reread it often ^^

4. Long Will She Reign (one-shot)

Herrah fic! Herrah fic! Herrah fic! This one follows Herrah post-Battle of the Blackwyrm and her late night thoughts and her concerns and anxieties and aaaaaaaah. Love this one, absolutely love this one. I loved crafting Herrah's character for the fic series and I love exploring her as a character with deep anxieties who's fear is often mistaken for and hidden behind a stoic demeanor.

5. Three Taps (one-shot)

Lurien and Soul Master fic set post-Battle of the Blackwyrm. This one follows these two and their different reactions to grief and trauma and how they offer cover for each other so that they can go somewhere where they can better handle that trauma rather than being stuck in public.

[girltober]

Girlfit! Gamer socks/armthings and a sundress might not go well together on paper, but I like this fit a lot 🩷 girls just have so many more customisation options to pick from. And you know what they say, you gotta Get Railed in a Sundress 😜

---

So! Girl Month is two thirds over... whats the state of affairs?

Its been a little while since I last posted anything substantive bc well... girltime has been normalised. In the first week I was very strict about wearing only "proper" girly clothes, not even using my normal dressing gown! But as time passed I've allowed myself to wear more unisex clothing - for better or worse. In general Girl month has become less... exciting and wild and more a mundane part of life. I go out in girlmode and don't think twice about it.

I've been on E nearly 2 weeks now with no effect, which I guess I expected but its a little disappointing. My nips don't feel any more sensitive than usual which is lame.

Sidequest 2 and 3 have not been completed, but I'm planning to complete 3 tomorrow which I'm looking forward to (shes soo hot). And I forsee myself completing 2 also bc like... cmon, how hard can it be?

Girl month has also been a little bit of a slut month for me- which has honestly been kind of the best part lmao. I mean my bodycount is still 1, but I've really enjoyed wearing revealing clothes, going out with my girltreat in, and thinking a lot about being a... well a free use fucktoy 😳.

Maybe I'll make another post trying to delve into the psychology of it, but I guess long story short... horny guys are gross, but horny girls are hot. That might only be true in my own lesbian*(?) head but I feel like its not just me who feels that way. Idk theres a lot to unpack there. Being a girl made me feel more confident being a pervert is what I'm saying, for better or worse.

(*For this month(?))

But to the main event: gender.

I started this month with the view that i was doing this for shits and giggles and nipple-orgasms.

I was planning to walk out of this having unlocked Cis+, as a BoyChad like Finnster who can walk through the Valley of Girl and not flinch at the feminine shadows cast over me.

But...

Rrrrrgh.

*deep sigh*

I guess... I'm probably not cis.

Yeah yeah I know the guy who volunteered to dress as a girl for a month for no reason is actually trans big surprise, someone call the pope, who could have seen this coming yada yada.

I will say that I'm not sure that I'm a girl either though.

I enjoy dressing up femme, and I get a little hit of dopamine whenever someone calls me Charlotte or uses she/her pronouns, but...

(Wait typing that sentence in real time just made me realise that i might just be a girl after all uuuh nvm continuing with my original point)

...I don't necessarily... feel like a girl? Like I mostly forget I'm a girl and then occasionally I think "oh yeah I'm supposed to be a girl rn. Or maybe... I just AM a girl for this month? Oh nice I'm a girl I guess sweet" and then carry on with my usual activities.

Although even that sounds pretty trans hmm.

(Good thing I successfully turned off Pop-ups or this post would be unreadable with the amount of Transgender XP I've gained lmao)

Does anyone remember that one comic? Its like the car driving "PENIS" face one except the thought is "im a girl". This is nonsense to non-tumblrinas I'm so sorry, if anyone finds the comic I'm thinking of please send it to me.

Anyway, i may not be a trans girl, maybe I'm nonbinary or maybe genderfluid or bigender or something else... but M** left Plato's cave when he became me/Charlotte, and I/she can't imagine going back in there and forgetting. Wearing a dress is just too much fun to quit lmao.

I definitely think i just don't have a very strong sense of gender in general- I've boymoded for family events and doctors appointments and felt no discomfort or dysphoria- but being a girl recreationally is just more fun!

I might do Boyweek in early november to try to solidify my gender opinions, but for now... my gender is almost certainly queer and i can't wait to find out what I become ^^.

Thank you everyone for reading and supporting me, thank you all my friends for being chill about this and thank you M & L for supplying me with E and thank you Y for being the madlad who took E for lols in the first place and MASSIVE thank you to the one who took me opshopping and opened my mind to polyamory and made this whole experience... just so much more comfortable and fun.

Oh and thanks to the random internet people who followed along too- Its been really cool to see this break containment in little ways!

Uuuh anyway this might feel like a very final retrospective post but I still have a couple of girlweeks left in girlmonth so I'll keep y'all posted with my future girlfits and antics!

Love y'all! ❤️🩷💜

[voxofthevoid]

How are you after jjk 236? I'm lowkey depressed lmao. But waiting for Gege to elaborate on this whole situation, cuz ain't no way Gojo is gone like that and left his first, seconds-years to deal with whatever tf is coming for them in the future. Anyways, your goyuu fics are keeping me together rn, they're SO GOOD. You're nailing Gojo and Yuuji characterization every single time! I hope you're okay💕

Thank you for asking, anon 💗

And well...

That's me, pretty much.

Seething disappointment is the best way I can describe the state I've settled into. I wouldn't have minded Gojou dying. My two expected scenarios for Gojou vs Sukuna were (i) Gojou losing+dying and (ii) the fight getting interrupted, and while I'd have preferred the latter for reasons outlined here (back when I was actually enjoying the fight lmao), Gojou dying a good, interesting death (like Nanami, for instance) would have been fine with me.

What we got was a goddamn joke.

There are still a lot of plot elements I'm excited about, mostly revolving around Yuuji and Kenjaku, but the way Gojou's death has been handled also leaves me quite wary about the writing quality in general. I've been hopeful so far, even with dubious decisions like that one-month time skip and the way certain characters were treated, but after 236 fumbling what should have been one of the most impactful, well-handled deaths in the series, it's hard to hold on to that hope.

I'm trying though. I still adore this manga, and I don't want to lose that love.

I am very, very glad my fics are helping you cope. That's rewarding in a way I can't even articulate. Writing them is stress relief for me, not just from JJK canon but life in general, and it's wonderful to hear they're helping you too. And thank you so much!

I really hope your mood improves soon 💗

(Gege 🔪)