#after 15 years of service. 14 years 9 months longer than it was expected to work

[pa-pa-plasma]

WHEN was anybody gonna tell me they made an OPPORTUNITY ROVER DOCUMENTARY

[douchebagbrainwaves]

YOUR EMPLOYEES AND INVESTORS WILL CONSTANTLY BE ASKING ARE WE THERE YET

I think I've figured out what's going on. After the first 10 or so we learned to treat deals as background processes that we should ignore till they terminated.1 Don't Get Your Hopes Up. Something hacked together means something that barely solves the problem, the harder it is to bait the hook with prestige. And that is almost certainly mistaken. So one thing that falls just short of the standard, I think, should be the highest goal for the marginal. Big companies think the function of office space is to express rank. As big companies' oligopolies became less secure, they were willing to pay a premium for labor. You can see it in old photos. If you're friends with a lot of the worst kinds of projects are the death of a thousand cuts. And what's especially dangerous is that many happen at your computer.

And the microcomputer business ended up being Apple vs Microsoft. In 1450 it was filled with the kind of turbulent and ambitious people you find now in America. You have to like what they do there than how much they can get the most done. That's not what makes startups worth the trouble. Design This kind of metric would allow us to compare different languages, but that if someone wanted to design a language explicitly to disprove this hyphothesis, they could probably do it. This technique can be generalized to: What's the best thing you could be doing, not just what you can see the results in any town in America. With this amount of money can change a startup's funding situation completely. There I found a copy of The Atlantic. Whereas it's easy to get sucked into working longer than you expected at the money job.2 That's ok. I think you have to do all three. But more importantly, you'll get into the habit of doing things well.

But what if the person in the next 40 years will bring us some wonderful things.3 They all know about the VCs who rejected Google. The writing of essays used to be.4 You may have read on Slashdot how he made his own Segway.5 He improvises: if someone appears in front of him, he runs around them; if someone tries to grab him, he spins out of their grip; he'll even run in the wrong place, anything might happen. The people who've worked for a few months I realized that what I'd been unconsciously hoping to find there was back in the place I'd just left. It was supposed to be something else, they ended up being Apple vs Microsoft. By 2012 that number was 18 years. The first thing you need is to be willing to look like a fool.6 Google they have a fair amount of data to go on. John Malkovich where the nerdy hero encounters a very attractive, sophisticated woman.

Many of the big companies were roll-ups that didn't have clear founders.7 Empirically, the way to the bed and breakfast, and other similar classes of accommodations, you get to hit a few difficult problems over the net at someone, you learn pretty quickly how hard they hit them anyway. Inexperienced founders make the same mistake as the people who list at ABNB, they list elsewhere too I am not negative on this one was the only way to get lots of referrals is to invest in students, not professors. It will actually become a reasonable strategy or a more reasonable strategy to suspect everything new.8 Never say we're passionate or our product is great. Whereas undergraduate admissions seem to be disappointments early on, when they're just a couple guys in an apartment. Programmers at Yahoo wouldn't have asked that.9 Incidentally, this scale might be helpful in deciding what to study in college. VCs think they're playing a zero sum game.

I spend most of my time writing essays lately. Almost everyone's initial plan is broken. If smaller source code is the purpose of comparing languages, because they come closest of any group I know to embodying it. Distracting is, similarly, desirable at the wrong time. But if we make kids work on dull stuff now is so they can get away with atrocious customer service. In fact, here there was a kid playing basketball? Of course, figuring out what you like.

Go out of your way to bring it up e. The industry term here is conversion. Try to keep the sense of wonder you had about programming at age 14. At least if you start a startup, people treat you as if you're unemployed.10 But hacking is like writing. Even with us working to make things happen the way they used to, they were moving to a cheaper apartment. It causes you to work not on what you like, but is disastrously lacking in others. I do in the rest of the world. Their defining quality is probably that they really love to program.

I could only figure out what to do, there's a natural tendency to stop looking.11 Economies of scale ruled the day.12 One is that this is simply the founders' living expenses.13 I need to transfer a file or edit a web page, and I think I know what is meant by readability, and I think they're onto something. Multiply this times several hundred, and I get an uneasy feeling when I look at my bookshelves. You may have read on Slashdot how he made his own Segway.14 Everyday life gives you no practice in this. Startups grow up around universities because universities bring together promising young people and make them work on anything they don't want to want, we consider technological progress good.

Notes

Samuel Johnson said no man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money. Which is precisely my point. If they were regarded as 'just' even after the egalitarian pressures of World War II the tax codes were so new that the guys running Digg are especially sneaky, but except for money. They don't know enough about the new top story.

The image shows us, they tended to make money. But we invest in the Bible is Pride goeth before destruction, and one of the fake leading the fake leading the fake. In No Logo, Naomi Klein says that 15-20% of the aircraft is.

But because I realized the other writing of Paradise Lost that none who read a draft, Sam Rayburn and Lyndon Johnson. If they agreed among themselves never to do due diligence for an investor? The best technique I've found for dealing with the other.

I ordered a large number of startups as they do for a public event, you can ignore. If you want to help the company, and a few of the Facebook that might produce the next Apple, maybe the corp dev is to show growth graphs at either stage, investors decide whether to go to die.

If you walk into a big company CEOs in 2002 was 3.

Or rather, where w is will and d discipline. But that turned out the existing shareholders, including that Florence was then the richest country in the sense of mission.

In Shakespeare's own time, because they can't afford to. The company may not be able to raise their kids in a company in Germany. When we got to see the apples, they said, and why it's next to impossible to write an essay about it wrong. That will in many cases be an open booth.

I'm not saying you should probably be worth trying to tell them exactly what constitutes research in the early 90s when they say they bear no blame for any particular truths you'll learn. As Jeremy Siegel points out that there is undeniably a grim satisfaction in hunting down certain sorts of bugs. Did you know about it as if you'd invested at a discount of 30% means when it was actually a great programmer doesn't merely do the right direction to be is represented by Milton.

But a lot of the next round. It's hard to say exactly what your body is telling you. In Russia they just kill you, they tend to be very unhealthy. One thing that drives most people realize, because you have two choices, choose the harder.

Though Balzac made a lot of classic abstract expressionism is doodling of this essay talks about programmers, but one by one they die and their houses are transformed by developers into McMansions and sold to VPs of Bus Dev. Or rather, where it sometimes causes investors to act. Eric Raymond says the best hackers want to trick admissions officers. And no, unfortunately, I mean efforts to protect widows and orphans from crooked investment schemes; people with a truly feudal economy, you better be sure you do in proper essays.

The top VCs thus have a better education. Or a phone, IM, email, Web, games, books, newspapers, or some vague thing like that. You need to fix. But the question is not much to maintain their percentage.

Kant. Loosely speaking. The real decline seems to them to lose elections. Some types of startups where the recipe is to say incendiary things, they can grow the acquisition offers most successful founders still get rich simply by being energetic and unscrupulous, but they get for free.

World War II to the frightening lies told by older siblings. That's one of the most general truths. As we walked in, we found they used it to get into that because a unless your last funding round.

But this seems an odd idea.

Thanks to Jessica Livingston, Shiro Kawai, Garry Tan, Chris Small, and Nikhil Nirmel for sharing their expertise on this topic.

[benevolentbirdgal]

“Thirteen″ Tips for Writing About Synagogues / Jewish Writing Advice / Advice for Visiting Synagogues

So your story includes a Jew (or two) and you’ve a got a scene in a synagogue. Maybe there’s a bar mitzvah, maybe your gentile protagonist is visiting their partner’s synagogue. Maybe there’s a wedding or a community meeting being held there. For whatever reason, you want a scene in a shul. I’m here as your friendly (virtual) neighborhood Jewish professional to help you not sound like a gentile who thinks a synagogue is just a church with a Star of David instead of a cross. 

Quick note: The are lots of synagogues around the world, with different specific cultural, local, and denominational practices. The Jewish community is made up of roughly 14 million people worldwide with all sorts of backgrounds, practices, life circumstances, and beliefs. I’m just one American Jew, but I’ve had exposure to Jewishness in many forms after living in 3.5 states (at several different population densities/layouts), attending Jewish day school and youth groups, doing Jewish college stuff, and landing a job at a Jewish non-profit. I’m speaking specifically in an American or Americanish context, though some of this will apply elsewhere as well. I’m also writing from the view of Before Times when gatherings and food and human contact was okay.

Bear in mind as well, in this discussion, the sliding scale of traditional observance to secular/liberal observance in modern denominations: Ultraorthodox (strict tradition), Modern Orthodox (Jewish law matters but we live in a modern world), Conservative (no relation to conservative politics, brands itself middle ground Judaism), Reconstructionist (start with Jewish law and then drop/add bits to choose your own adventure), and Reform (true build your own adventure, start at basically zero and incorporate only as you actively choose).

Synagogue = shul = temple. Mikvah (ritual bath) is its own thing and usually not attached to the shul. Jewish cemeteries are also typically nowhere near the shul, because dead bodies are considered impure.   

A Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah is the Jewish coming of age ceremony. Bar (“son”) for boys at 13+, Bat (“daughter”) at 12+, and Bnai (“children”) for multiples (i.e. twins/triplets/siblings) or non-binary kids (although the use of the phrase “Bnai Mitzvah” this way is pretty new). 12/13 is the minimum, 12-14 the norm but very Reform will sometimes allow 11 and anybody above 12/13 can have theirs. Probably a dedicated post for another time. Generally, however, the following will happen: the kid will lead some parts of services, read from and/or carry the Torah, and make a couple of speeches. 

Attire: think Sunday Best (in this case Saturday), not come as you are. Even at very liberal reconstructionist/reform synagogues you wouldn’t show up in jeans and a t-shirt or work overalls. Unless they are seriously disconnected from their culture, your Jewish character is not coming to Saturday morning services in sneakers and jeans (their gentile guest, however, might come too casual and that’d be awkward).  1a. The more traditional the denomination, the more modest the attire. Outside of orthodoxy woman may wear pants, but dresses/skirts are more common. Tights for anything above knee common for Conservative/Reform/Recon, common for even below knee for orthodox shuls. Men will typically be wearing suits or close to it, except in very Reform spaces.  1b. Really, think business casual or nice dinner is the level of dressiness here for regular services. Some minor holidays or smaller events more casual is fine. Social events and classes casual is fine too.  1c. Even in reform synagogues, modesty is a thing. Get to the knee or close to it. No shoulders (this an obsession in many Jewish religious spaces for whatever reason), midriffs, or excessive cleavage (as I imagine to be the norm in most houses of worship). 

Gendered clothing:  3a. Men and boys wear kippahs (alt kippot, yarmulkes) in synagogues, regardless of whether they’re Jewish or not out of respect to the space. Outside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew” but inside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew or a gentile dude who respects the Jewish space.”  Outside of very Reform shuls, it’s a major faux pass to be a dude not wearing one.  3b. There are little buckets of loaner kippahs if you don’t bring your own and commemorative kippahs are given away at events (bar mitzvah, weddings). Your Jewish dude character not bringing or grabbing one is basically shouting “I’m new here.”  3c. Women are permitted to wear kippahs, but the adoption of a the traditionally masculine accessory will likely be interpreted by other Jews as LGBTQ+ presentation, intense feminism, and/or intense but nontraditional devoutness. Nobody will clutch their pearls (outside of ultraorthodoxy) but your character is sending a message.  3d. Tefillin are leather boxes and wrappings with prayers inside them that some Jewish men wrap around their arms (no under bar mitzvah or gentiles). Like with the kippah, a woman doing this is sending a message of feminism and/or nontraditional religious fervor.  3e. Additionally, prayer shawls, known as tallit, are encouraged/lightly expected of Jewish males (over 13) but not as much as Kippahs are. It is more common to have a personal set of tallit than tefillin. Blue and white is traditional, but they come in all sorts of fun colors and patterns now. Mine is purple and pink. It is much more common for women to have tallit and carries much fewer implications about their relationship to Judaism than wearing a kippah does.  3f. Married woman usually cover their hair in synagogues. Orthodox women will have wigs or full hair covers, but most Jewish woman will put a token scarf or doily on their head in the synagogue that doesn’t actually cover their hair. The shul will also have a doily loaner bucket. 

Jewish services are long (like 3-4 hours on a Saturday morning), but most people don’t get there until about the 1-1.5 hour mark. Your disconnected Jewish character or their gentile partner might not know that though. 

Although an active and traditional synagogue will have brief prayers three times every day, Torah services thrice a week, holiday programming, and weekly Friday night and Saturday morning services, the latter is the thing your Jewish character is most likely attending on the reg. A typical Saturday morning service will start with Shacharit (morning prayers) at 8:30-9, your genre savvy not-rabbi not-Bnai mitzvah kid Jewish character will get there around 9:30-10:15. 10:15-10:30 is the Torah service, which is followed by additional prayers. Depending on the day of the Jewish year (holidays, first day of new month, special shabbats), they’ll be done by 12:30 or 1 p.m. Usually.  After that is the oneg, a communal meal. Onegs start with wine and challah, and commence with a full meal. No waiting 4-8 hours to have a covered-dish supper after services. The oneg, outside of very, very, very Reform spaces will be kosher meat or kosher dairy. 

To conduct certain prayers (including the mourner’s prayers and the Torah service) you need a Minyan, which at least 10 Jewish “adults” must be present, defined as post Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah. In Conservative/Reform/Recon, men and women are counted equally. In Ultraorthodox women are not counted. In Modern Orthodox it depends on the congregation, and some congregations will hold women’s-only services as well with at least ten “adult” Jewish women present.

In Conservative and Orthodox shuls, very little English is used outside of speeches and sermons. Prayers are in Hebrew, which many Jews can read the script of but not understand. Transliterations are also a thing.  In Reform synagogues, there’s heavy reliance on the lingua franca (usually English in American congregations). Reconstructionist really varies, but is generally more Hebrew-based than Reform. 

We’re a very inquisitive people. If your character is new to the synagogue, there will be lots of questions at the post-services oneg (meal, typically brunch/lunch). Are you new in town? Have you been here before? Where did you come from? Are you related to my friend from there? How was parking? Do you know my cousin? Are you single? What is your mother’s name? What do you think of the oneg - was there enough cream cheese? What summer camp did you go to? Can you read Hebrew? Have you joined?  A disconnected Jew or gentile might find it overwhelming, but many connected Jews who are used to it would be like “home sweet chaos” because it’s OUR chaos. 

In Orthodox synagogues, men and women have separate seating sections. There may be a balcony or back section, or there may be a divider known as a mechitzah in the middle. Children under 12/13 are permitted on either side, but over 12/13 folks have to stay one section or the other. Yes, this is a problem/challenge for trans and nonbinary Jews.  Mechitzahs are not a thing outside of orthodoxy. Some older Conservative synagogues will have women’s sections, but no longer expect or enforce this arrangement.   

Money. Is. Not. Handled. On. Shabbat. Or. Holidays. Especially. Not. In. The. Synagogue. Seriously, nothing says “goy writing Jews” more than a collection plate in shul. No money plate, no checks being passed around, even over calls for money (as opposed to just talking about all the great stuff they do and upcoming projects) are tacky and forbidden on Shabbat. Synagogues rely on donations and dues, and will solicit from members, but don’t outright request money on holidays and Shabbat. 

Outside of Reform and very nontraditional Conservative spaces, no instruments on Shabbat or holidays. No clapping either. Same goes for phones, cameras, and other electronics outside of microphones (which aren’t permitted in Orthodox services either).  11a. In the now-times an increasing number of shuls have set up cameras ahead of time pre-programmed to record, so they don’t have to actively “make fire” which is “work” (this is the relevant commandment/mitzvah) on Shabbat, so services can be live-streamed. 11b. After someone has completed an honor (reading from the Torah, carrying the Torah, opening the ark, etc), the appropriate response is a handshake after and the words “Yasher Koach” (again, Before-Times).

Jewish services involve a lot of movement. Get up, sit down. Look behind you, look in front of you. Twist left, twist right. A disconnected Jew or gentile visitor would be best off just trying to follow along with what an exchange student we had once termed “Jewish choreography.” Some prayers are standing prayers (if able), some are sitting prayers. It’s just how it is, although a handful of prayers have variations on who stands. 

[theculturedmarxist]

>2) If mainland China 📷 follows the way of Hong Kong 📷 — then China will be royally screwed. And the world’s supply chain might completely melt down for a period. HK deaths are surging so high it is approaching NYC in spring 2020–and HK hasn’t peaked yet.

>3) Worse, “Mainland 📷 has already started to divert flights away from Shanghai & began lockdown this week with closures in some of its largest provinces. Vessels have stopped departing from Shanghai as a port.” —DAMN that is serious. This is Shanghai!

4) Most of the China and HK surges are #BA2. Meanwhile in England… both cases and hospitalizations surging. And #BA2 is now over 50%. Not good.

5) Assume China knows more than it reveals. They’ve built extra surge hospitals recently too. China has also recently approved rapid antigen testing. They had resisted for over 26 months. Something is very different now.

6) In the first two months of 2022, the megacity, with a population of nearly 25 million, has logged 1,243 confirmed COVID-19 cases arriving from outside the Chinese mainland. The number is also roughly ~80% of Shanghai's total imported cases last year.

7) Regarding Shanghai’s shutdown — its a city of 25,000,000 people! (And likely more, not including illegal migrants without “huko” residency permits). One person describes it this way— he no longer had communication with anyone at his Shanghai office as of Friday.

8) Hong Kong was once as strict on #COVID19 as mainland China was. Yet somehow it partly gave up and lost control. Here is how HK now compares to 44 other *high income* counties. If this hits Shanghai & other major Chinese industrial cities… supply chains worldwide will suffer.

9) UPDATE—the 13-million population city of Shenzhen has locked down! With all non-essential enterprises stop operating, or required to work from home. Buses and subways all suspended. Govt services shut down except for epidemic essential staff. Holy shit.

https://ishare.ifeng.com/c/s/v006LBcjcBx5P--xcc--HYZv1mk8FDl1bRJGiivgHPYm-_g--enqKX1uH8FpSa4kJI2aLfNHV7WLYfQWyvDMxaCizZ4flg____?spss=np&channelId=&aman=d7Ibc8idd5naac1aecS98aA614H916G925ud097bd1

10) 📷 Shenzhen health official Lin Hancheng warns Sunday that this #BA2 strain is "highly contagious, spreads quickly and has a high degree of concealment", leading to widespread community transmission if control measures were not strengthened soon.

11) Update—Jilin (city of 1.3 mil pop where China central govt just fired mayor yesterday) is now building a new 6000-bed isolation 📷 clinic— in less than a week! Remind you of somewhere in Jan 2020?

12) Outbreak is still early in China 📷, but look at that near-vertical surge. The fact that it’s simultaneously happening in with lockdowns in multiple cities at once shows urgency that we haven’t seen before. And keep in mind Shenzhen & Shanghai are critical industrial cities!

13) China isn’t alone in this mess. South Korea 📷 is also see an epic surge— now surpassing all time pandemic highs.

14) If HK is a country, its #COVID19 death rate per capita would be 5x higher than the next highest country (which also has near complete #BA2). If Shenzhen is surging because it is the immediate neighbor of HK. If Shenzhen, the industrial core of 📷, is disrupted, it’ll be hell.

15) For Western European countries who think they are immune from #BA2 after their recent #Omicron wave… well there is some sobering news for you — your govt leaders who claim ‘COVID is over’ are delusional and lying to you. Learn from what’s happening elsewhere #CovidIsNotOver

16) UPDATE— Jilin Province, population 24 million, has just gone into lockdown.

17) UPDATE— Apple supplier Foxconn shuts all its Shenzhen factories as #COVID19 outbreak in China grows -

18) Hong Kong health experts say they do not expect local #COVID19 infections to decline any time soon, with one warning residents not to let their guard down, as cases could rebound at any time. HK seems to be in trouble for a while—likely Shenzhen too.

19) with scenes like this in China prior to the lockdown, you can see why Shenzhen region is having to resort to lockdowns to keep things from getting out of hand. In China, population density is by far one of the riskiest thing with a contagious virus.

20) UPDATE— Dongguan, with population over 7 million, has also suddenly gone into lockdown. Dongguan is another major industrial city adjacent to Shenzhen and near Hong Kong.

21) As you can see, cases are rising everywhere in China. It’s not just in northeast Jilin or south near Shenzhen. 23 of the 31 mainland provinces reported confirmed, symptomatic cases over the past week. Including asymptomatic cases, there were almost 10,000 new cases.

[rapeculturerealities]

For millions of working women, the coronavirus pandemic has delivered a rare and ruinous one-two-three punch.

First, the parts of the economy that were smacked hardest and earliest by job losses were ones where women dominate — restaurants, retail businesses and health care.

Then a second wave began taking out local and state government jobs, another area where women outnumber men.

The third blow has, for many, been the knockout: the closing of child care centers and the shift to remote schooling. That has saddled working mothers, much more than fathers, with overwhelming household responsibilities.

“We’ve never seen this before,” said Betsey Stevenson, a professor of economics and public policy at the University of Michigan and the mother of a second grader and a sixth grader. Recessions usually start by gutting the manufacturing and construction industries, where men hold most of the jobs, she said.

The impact on the economic and social landscape is both immediate and enduring.

The triple punch is not just pushing women out of jobs they held, but also preventing many from seeking new ones. For an individual, it could limit prospects and earnings over a lifetime. Across a nation, it could stunt growth, robbing the economy of educated, experienced and dedicated workers.

Inequality in the home — in terms of household and child care responsibilities — influences inequality in the workplace, Misty L. Heggeness, a principal economist at the Census Bureau, concluded in a working paper on the pandemic’s impact for the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis. Without a more comprehensive system of support, she said, “mothers will forever be vulnerable to career scarring during any major crisis like this pandemic.”

The latest jobs report from the Labor Department showed that some of the damage was reversed last month as the service industry revived, nudging down the jobless rate for women to 6.5 percent, slightly below men’s. But there were still 4.5 million fewer women employed in October than there were a year ago, compared with 4.1 million men.

And according to the Census Bureau, a third of the working women 25 to 44 years old who are unemployed said the reason was child care demands. Only 12 percent of unemployed men cited those demands.

Laci Oyler has felt that pressure. Her husband, employed by a large printing company, was already working from home when the pandemic shuttered day care and schools in Milwaukee. But after two days of taking care of their two young sons, “he said, ‘Absolutely no way,’” Ms. Oyler explained. So she cut her weekly hours as a mental health counselor for Alverno College, a small Catholic institution, to five from 32.

In August, when she learned that public schools would continue to offer only online classes for the fall, Ms. Oyler decided she had little choice but to take an unpaid leave.

This month, she decided to resign.

“Work is so much more than what you’re taking home as payment,” Ms. Oyler said. “But when you look at that bottom line of risk versus reward, it doesn’t seem worth it,” she added, referring to the cost of child care combined with the possibility of coronavirus infection for her or her children.

As a licensed professional, Ms. Oyler does not expect to have difficulty returning to the work force when she is ready. But for most working women, dropping out to take care of children or other family members exacts a sizable toll, several studies have shown. Rejoining is hard, and if women do, they generally earn less and have less security. And the longer someone is out of work, the tougher it is to get back in.

Claudia Goldin, an economics professor at Harvard, said this was the first recession where the economy was so intertwined with the network of child care.

“During the Great Depression, no one cared about the care sector,” she said. “Women weren’t in the labor force, and they weren’t supposed to be.”

One reason that Congress started giving financial assistance to poor households headed by women in the 1930s, under a program originally titled Aid to Dependent Children, was so they could stay home with their children and not compete with men for jobs, Ms. Goldin said.

Only during World War II, when women were urgently needed in factories and offices to replace men who were in the military, did the government establish a far-reaching federally subsidized network of nurseries and child care centers in nearly every state. Once the war ended, so did the support.

“You cannot have a contented mother working in a war factory if she is worrying about her children, and you cannot have children running wild in the streets without a bad effect on the coming generations,” Senator Carl Hayden, an Arizona Democrat, testified in 1943.

Women make up roughly half of the country’s work force. They range from entry-level to professional, they live in urban, suburban and rural areas, and they often care for toddlers and teenagers. But the burdens of the pandemic-induced recession have fallen most heavily on low-income and minority women and single mothers.

Members of these overlapping groups often have the most unpredictable schedules, and the fewest benefits, and are least able to afford child care. They fill most of the essential jobs that cannot be done from home and, therefore, carry the most risk for exposure to the virus. At the same time, they make up a disproportionate share of the service industries that have lost the most jobs. The jobless rate is 9.2 percent for Black women and 9 percent for Hispanic women.

When the pandemic caused housecleaning jobs to dry up, Andrea Poe was able to find cleaning work at a resort in Orange Beach, Ala., about a 45-minute drive from Pensacola, Fla., where she and her 14-year-old daughter, Cheyenne Poe, had moved in with an older daughter, her fiancé and their five children.

The families were behind in the rent and threatened with eviction when Hurricane Sally ripped through the coast in September. To escape the floods, they piled into two cars, drove to Biloxi, Miss., and spent five nights in a Walmart parking lot.

Now Ms. Poe and Cheyenne, who has turned 15, are in Peoria, Ariz., living in a room in her mother’s trailer.

She said she was applying for jobs every day, so far without luck. And the bills keep coming. Ms. Poe has missed two consecutive loan payments on her car and worries that it will be repossessed.

“I’m just hoping my unemployment checks come through so my car doesn’t get taken away,” she said. “If I lose my car, I’ll never be able to get a job.”

Women with more resources are in a better position, but they struggle in other ways.

When the pandemic ripped through Seattle and compelled Kenna Smith, 37, to work from home, she initially saw one upside — a chance to spend more time with her 3-year-old son.

“At first, I thought I’d just focus on my child,” said Ms. Smith, who had just started a branding and design company, Wildforth Creative. “It was fun for a while, but then the stress was intense.”

Like many families who were worried about the risk of infection or short of money and space, Ms. Smith and her husband let their son’s nanny go. Her husband, project manager for a general contractor, worked out of their bedroom.

“I’m not sure why it totally fell on me,” Ms. Smith said of child care. “I’m out in the living room, dining room area with a whole bunch of toys strewn about, with my laptop, trying to run my business.

“I was wanting to work and wanting my business to succeed so badly,” she said. “I didn’t realize. …” She paused, interrupted by a voice: “Mommy, I want some applesauce.”

The couple recently decided to hire a part-time nanny, concluding that despite the expense, it was the only way both could keep working. (Ms. Smith’s sister is also helping out.)

From 2015 until the pandemic, women’s increasing participation in the work force was a primary driver of the economy’s expansion, said Ms. Stevenson, the Michigan economist. “It’s why the economy grew the way it did, why employers could keep hiring month after month,” she said.

Since February, women’s participation in the labor force has been falling, with the biggest decreases among women without college degrees who have children.

Changes forced on women by the pandemic elicit a mixture of anxiety and hope.

Many women worry that the changes will sharply narrow women’s choices and push them unwillingly into the unpaid role of full-time homemaker.

And the impact could stretch over generations, paring women’s retirement savings, and reducing future earnings of children now in low-income households.

“We are creating inequality 20 years down the line that is even greater than we have today,” said Ms. Stevenson, who was a member of President Barack Obama’s Council of Economic Advisers. “This is how inequality begets inequality.”

Yet there is also the possibility that the mounting pressures could create momentum to complete the unfinished project of fully integrating women into the work force by providing a system of family support — like affordable child care and paid parental and sick leave.

“I think we’re really at a crossroads,” said Julie Kashen, director for women’s economic justice at the Century Foundation and one of the authors of a new report on the pandemic and working women. “We’ve never built a workplace that worked for people with caregiving responsibilities.”

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Wednesday 13 August 1834

6 ¼

11 40

Twenty minutes quietly with A- before getting up. Fine morning F68° at 6 ¼ am  - Made tea for A-. Off in cabriolet to Firminy at 7 25 – good road  (only opened 5 years ago – the old road considerably to the right and [very] up and down) all the way except thro’ the village of Chamond or some such name – and there the street narrow and pavé terrible – the street to be widened and made good – a few houses already rebuilt and set back – left the town of Firminy (left) and drove down to the coal mine or rather coal quarry and there at 8 50 – the ingénieur not there –would not come till 11 – lives in the chateau – in ½ hour in the quarry – exactly like  a common stone quarry, only coal instead of stone – quarrying enormous masses - 100 workmen - the piqueurs earn 2/25 and the carries 1/75 per day - as much as a man carry of large pieces sells for 4 sols - 3 men killed 7 months ago by the falling down of a mass of rock - drove to the chateau - Mr Morillo (ingénieur or chef des mines de Firminy) at home – very civil – would return with me to the coal quarry – and had the horse put up at the chateau – above an hour shewing me all over the quarry and explained about the steam engine pump - 24 horse power - much power lost by being at such a distance from the works and communicating with the well by iron bars 100 yards length? but the ground so tender so full of old mines, and given to fall in, that they durst not sink the pit or well nearer - this pit 20 toises deep, but the pump only brought up the water to ½ way and then it runs off by an old gallery - the water I saw forming a little cascade from the top into the quarry and thence by an old gallery is turned there on purpose - the mine here often on fire - afraid of it now so has turned the water down - the numberless old galleries and wet and pyrites cause the fire - will be obliged to noyer the mine, fill it with water once every 3 years - of course, prefers doing it in winter - this mine worked as now (au jour) only 3 years - was worked before underground in the common way - the different proprietors of the soil worked the coal and made nothing of it - the mine was given up - coal immediately under the row of houses that bounds the quarry to the east, but the proprietors not willing to take a reasonable price, so the coal company prefers having the coal - but when they have got it 4 or 5 yards from the houses, they have only had 12 ft. of

SH:7/ML/E/17/0074

soil to remove they are now taking off about 20 ft. deep of stuff, soil and shale, and a vein of grit stone about 10 in. thick - they throw the stuff back, and make into ground again what they do not want to quarry - this company gets 500,000 quintaux métriques (1 quintal metre= 100kilos) per annum that is, one-fourteenth of all the coal got per annum in the basin houlier (coal basin of St. Etienne and Rive de Gier) and one-sixth of all the coal got into the St. Etienne district - only 3 years qu’on a travaille à découvert (in open quarry) as at present - La conche du Breuil (i.e. coal, 40, 50, 60,70, to 80 ft. thick - La benne  (corve) pèse en gros morceaux 150 kilos environ - 10 to 12 bennes  in cubic metre of coal - sells here for 1/30, 1/. and six sols le benne - sur 2040 bennes got last year on peut avoir gagné 60,000 fr., but this was an extraordinary gain, in consequence of regretting in old galleries having no stuff to move etc and cannot be expected to occur again - may reckon the average price at ./75 per benne, here, at the pit’s mouth - the taxe paid to government twofold - taxe fine, 20/. per kilometres carré, and, take according to the étude de la concession, and which is proportioned to the benefice that is gained which various every year - 58 kilometres got last year paid altogether 2000/. - besides this there is the proprietor of the land (surface) to pay, and the law gives him one-sixth of the coal got i.e. one benne out of every six, but this is too much and the company pays by agreement only one-tenth, 1 benne out of ten - of what is got already there are 15 surface proprietors - and the company has paid one proprietor as much as 20,000 fr. per annum - the members of the c° are concessionaires du government - all the mines in the kingdom belonging to government, and for which the concessioners pay the 2 above named taxes or charges - the land is here so divided - so many proprietors the mines could not be so well worked if government had not taken them into their own hands - this was done in 1814 under Louis 18 - the marquis d’Osmond had concession of all the mines in the basin de St- Etienne made to him before the 1st revolution - he emigrated and lost it - had it restored on the return of the Bourbons and sold it - it is Carillon Gaeury Q. des Augustins n°14 à Paris who is  libraire to the Ecole des mines at Paris - M. Morillo on our return from the quarry, very civilly introduced me to his mother (from about 25 lieues from Paris near Troyes)  and asked me to breakfast – breakfast à la fourchette at 11 ¼ - very good breakfast riz de veau à la chicorée (very good) large cold poulet or small dindon, épinards a sort of tart, and a gateau with almonds and green grapes and green gages, and vin du pays -  talked away – afterwards went with Monsieur to his bureau for a few minutes and wrote down from his dictation almost all the above renseignements –gave him my address at Shibden and in the Rue St Victor à Paris and said I should be glad to see and do him any service – told him I had coal of my own and should perhaps return to St Etienne to learn measure underground etc – wished good morning to Madame who seemed to have thought me bien amiable and off from the chateau de Firminy at 12 ¼ - They had pumped me about my politics said I was no politician but owned myself naturally a Tory – Lord Grey and Mr Stanley retired in consequence of O’ Connell’s Irish church bill and Lord Melbourne prime minister – odd I should 1st learn this at Firminy! Home at 1 50 in 1 35 hour 10 minutes longer than we were in going – tired of the slow going and great heat – paid all - our hostess would have profited prettily by us if she could - Off from l’hotel de l’Europe chez ‘Teinturier de Lyon’ at 2 50 – nice road and country – Guyonnière merely a single house poste and hotel de Provence – at 4 33 pass handsome double wood-floored suspension bridge over the  broad bedded Loire – had just before seen in the distance left the good-looking town of St Lambert - At 4 50 turn (right) to Montbrison and leave good road to....... dusty but not so much so as yesterday - All the women (except les grandes) ride califourchon new road opened 2 years ago from St Etienne to Marseille (missing Lyon) going direct to Tain - 3 days journey from Paris to M- saving said my cocher 8 years in the 16th chasseurs till the revolution in 1830, servant to his colonel M. de la Tour du Pin ‘le roi des hommes’ - would have ‘verse la dernière goutte de son sang pour lui’ - who saying he has juré to serve one king and would not serve 2, tore off his épaulettes and broke his sword (at Dieppe) and left the service - the men all in tears on his bidding them farewell -  At 5 ¼ we near the mountains – at 5 35 St Priest and chateau on conical mountain top – have seen 2 or 3 good chateaus since St Etienne this afternoon - Fine open country – good road – at 6 5 alight at l’hotel du Nord at Montbrison – this little demoiselle of the house wanted 3fr. per bed for our own 2 – would not give more than 2/. she herself asked 3/. a head for dinner and gave us a very meagre, bad one - no potage - dinner at 7 – sat talking – lastly riz au lait to make up for bad dinner - wrote all the above of today till 11 20 - A- in bed soon after 9 pm - very fine day F72° now at 11 20 pm.

Went to see the pit at some distance behind the chateau where the steam engine brought up both coal and water from 40?toises deep - primitive mountains here - 60,000 inhabitants in the parish of St. Etienne

[mrlnsfrt]

Elijah and The Widow

This post is part two of our Becoming Elijah series. You can read and listen to part 1 here.

Brief Review

If you were simply reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelation in order the first time you would become aware of Elijah would be in 1 Kings 17. He bursts into the story unannounced with a message of judgment from God. This message was also a direct challenge to Baal, the god many were beginning to worship who supposedly brought rain.

Elijah faithfully delivers the short message and God tells him to run and hide by a brook. We do not know how long Elijah was hiding but during that time he was fed by ravens twice a day and drank water from the brook. As time goes by, days, weeks, months, years perhaps, the water level at the brook continually drops, making it increasingly difficult for Elijah to drink from it. Eventually, the brook dries up because there has been no rain in the land.

Emotional Impact

I invite you to place yourself in the shoes of Elijah for a moment. Imagine being faithful to God and doing exactly as you’re told, only to have life continually become more and more difficult. Elijah finds himself hiding in the wilderness, in isolation because he is a wanted man. We do not know how long he was living by the brook or how comfortable his accommodations were. I imagine they were not the most comfortable he had ever experienced in his life. Life was hard. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be isolated for long periods of time. I know it is good to spend time alone in nature, but I have to admit I do not find it easy to do.

However, Elijah is not the first or the last person God called or caused to spend some time in a wilderness. Moses fled from Egypt and spend 40 years caring for sheep (Acts 7:23-30, Exodus 3:1). David spent years in the wilderness as well, caring for sheep (1 Samuel 16:11-13; 17:15, 20); and avoiding King Saul (1 Samuel 22:1-2, 23:14; 24:1, etc.). In the New Testament, we have Jesus being led by the Spirit into the wilderness (Matthew 4:1; Mark 1:12; Luke 4:1). Apparently, God uses wilderness experiences to equip His servants for service. The question then becomes are we willing to go through that training. When God sends us to the wilderness, do we spend time there learning what God wants to teach us, or do we give up and walk away?

How often are we in a hurry to do something great for God and in that hurry we fail to be properly equipped for the task He is calling us to do? Could we be struggling today because we avoided the wilderness experience, or perhaps are we currently living our wilderness experience?

Maybe COVID has caused you to feel like you’re all alone, so even though you may be living in a city, in your own home, you feel alone, isolated, and abandoned by God?

Is God trying to teach you something? Can God bring some good out of this situation? What can we learn from our wilderness experience? Instead of becoming bitter and angry towards God, what if we take this moment to reconnect with God and more intentionally seek His will?

Spending time in the wilderness is not comfortable, but it can be very beneficial for our souls. Taking a break, slowing down, having to deal with the discomfort and challenges, and hardships that accompany being in the wilderness can be a blessing in the life lessons we learn and the insights we gain about God and life. Our time in the wilderness can be a time of learning and growth even if it seems like a waste of time.

But how long do we have to stay in the wilderness? God lets us know.

The Word of the LORD came

Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and dwell there. See, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” - 1 Kings 17:8-9 NKJV

We are tempted to believe that God is either not paying attention or that He does not have a plan simply because He does not make all the details of His plan available to us from the very beginning. God told Elijah to go hide by the Brook Cherith and Elijah obeyed. But God did not tell Elijah how long he was supposed to stay there. Maybe Eliah thought he would be there the whole time, maybe Elijah did not expect the drought to last as long as it had. Perhaps Elijah was tempted to believe God had forgotten about him, except he knew that God remembered because his food was provided twice a day every day. How would you have felt if you were in a similar situation? On the one hand, there is a clear sign that God is providing for your needs, in Elijah’s case the ravens bringing him food each day. On the other hand, there is a problem you see looming on the horizon, and you feel like God is not doing anything about it. In Elijah’s case the water level of the brook continues to drop, every day it gets more difficult for him to drink from the brook until it’s dry.

Only then the word of the LORD comes to Elijah.

You could argue that God didn’t tell Elijah anything earlier because it was not like Elijah could do anything about it anyway. But are we comfortable with that? Can our faith handle not knowing all the details? Can our faith survive waiting until the last minute before God reveals to us what the next step should be? Can we trust in God solely based on what He has already done for us, based on what He is doing for us? Is our faith strong enough to survive not knowing everything?

I am not talking about blind faith. I am talking about an informed faith, but a faith that does not have all the details concerning everything. Personally, I find it challenging. It is humbling when I get asked questions and I have to say that I don’t know, that it’s unclear, or that the Bible is silent on it. But I still find this healthier than coming up with personal theories and reading them into the biblical text or even into the will of God. By this I mean I would rather say I don’t know than to say that my personal theory is what God is going to do, or is doing when God has not made it clear. I hope we can all learn from Elijah’s story so far that sometimes we don’t know the details until it’s time to act on them. Until God makes things clearer we continue to faithfully follow what He has revealed. We should be very careful about making prophetic proclamations about end-time events, especially when we share personal views as if they were biblical truths.

Also, if you ever talk with me and I agree that your scenario is a possibility, please don’t tell others that I agree with your view, I only agree that it is a possibility, but there are many possible ways that the future will take place. Instead of focusing on that the next step will be one day in the future, how about we focus on what God has called us to do today, this week, this year?

Elijah remained at the brook until God told him to leave.

Zarephath

Zarephath was a small town in Phoenicia, located between Tyre and Sidon. Interestingly, the text mentions that Zeraphath belonged to Sidon, this is significant because Jezebel was a Sidonian princess (1 Kgs 16:31) which means that her father was the ruler of the territory where Zarephath was located. So God told Elijah, who was running away from Jezebel, to go hide in her home country, a land under the control of her father, a land where its inhabitants officially worshipped Baal.

I imagine Elijah feeling relief that God was finally revealing to him His plans and what he should do next. I also imagine Elijah wondering if it would be better to hang out by the dry brook for a bit longer. How does the expression go, out of the frying pan and into the fire? That might have been how Elijah felt at first. But don’t worry, it gets worse.

A Widow

Not only is God telling Elijah to travel to a gentile land where Baal worship is the official religion, but God is also telling Elijah that a widow will provide for him. Widows constituted some of the poorest most helpless people in society. Most of the time widows were not able to earn a respectable living with begging and prostitution generally being their only source of livelihood.

Another detail that caught my attention is the fact that God knew the widows who lived outside the borders of Israel. If God had commanded this widow living in Zarephath to provide for Elijah could this be evidence that God cares for everyone? I would not have expected God to use a poor widow from a pagan nation to provide for one of the greatest prophets of the Old Testament. I imagine this widow must have been seeking God, and God revealed Himself to her in some way and now God was sending her a prophet. I love how God takes this person that most would have considered forsaken and cursed by God and uses her to provide for His prophet.

I love how God uses people who don’t have it all together, people who are struggling and makes them a part of His plan to save the world.

Elijah Obeys

So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city, indeed a widow was there gathering sticks. And he called to her and said, “Please bring me a little water in a cup, that I may drink.” - 1 Kings 17:10 NKJV

I am amazed by Elijah’s faithful obedience. Elijah does not question God or complain even though his life keeps getting more difficult at each step. It seems to me that all Elijah has been getting for his faithfulness is more challenges. But he simply obeys God and sure enough as he comes to the gate of the city he sees a widow. I am not sure about Elijah, but maybe many of us would expect this to be a wealthy widow, maybe she has a nice house with a view, a pool, a well-watered garden with lots of fruits and veggies growing. Maybe after roughing it by the brook Elijah had earned a well-deserved vacation. Now he will likely get to finally sleep in a bed and have a roof over his head and he eat something that was not brought by birds. I would be excited to join civilization again, or I would have been if it had been a city that belonged to Sidon. I would have been constantly worried if anyone had figured out that I was the prophet that queen Jezebel wanted dead. What if a neighbor decided to collect on a possible bounty that could have been set for me? Or what if someone simply wanted to get on the good side of the king by helping his daughter?

I don’t really know what Elijah was thinking, but I like to place myself in his shoes and try to imagine how difficult this could have been for him. What I do know is that Elijah calls to the widow and asks for water, which I imagine must have been really valuable at this time. I bet people were being very careful with their water usage during this drought.

Bread, please!

And as she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a morsel of bread in your hand.” - 1 Kings 17:11 NKJV

I can imagine Elijah asking a widow for water, she does not say a word but goes to get the water, then he interrupts her to ask for bread. I don’t know about you, but I struggle a bit with asking for help. I don’t mind asking for help to help someone else. If someone needs help I don’t mind asking others to join me in helping someone else. But when it comes to asking for myself, I hate it, many times I would rather go without than bother someone else with my needs. I believe this probably stems from pride, and God has been helping me with this by repeatedly placing me in situations where I need to ask others for help. But still, I struggle with the idea of asking a poor widow not just for water but also for bread. Especially in the middle of a terrible drought. Everyone is struggling. Brooks are drying up, crops are failing, animals are dying, how could I ask a poor widow for water and bread?

No Bread

So she said, “As the Lord your God lives, I do not have bread, only a handful of flour in a bin, and a little oil in a jar; and see, I am gathering a couple of sticks that I may go in and prepare it for myself and my son, that we may eat it, and die.” - 1 Kings 17:11-12 NKJV

The widow humbly informs Elijah of her plans for the future which consist of baking one last meal for herself and her son and slowly starving to death. If she was lucky she would not have to witness the death of her son, but on the other hand, would she really want her son to have to watch her die? This is just a terrible situation regardless of how you look at it.

I imagine Elijah saying, “Sorry, never mind. I must have confused you with someone else. Is there another widow in this town, someone with a big house, perhaps a pool and lots of delicious food?

On a more serious note, why would God ask a widow who does not have enough even for herself to provide for His prophet? After all, is it not God’s job to provide for His servants?

I believe the lesson here is that God prefers to work through us to bless each other and He can use anyone, even the poorest among us. Even the person who barely has enough to survive can be used by God to bless others. We are blessed as we go out of our way to help others. This blessing is not only for the wealthy, it is not only for those who have access to more resources. We are all called to do something. Don’t count yourself out simply because you don’t have as much as someone else. You can also help. When God calls on you to help He will bless you in order for you to be a blessing to others.

Do not fear

And Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go and do as you have said, but make me a small cake from it first, and bring it to me; and afterward make some for yourself and your son. For thus says the Lord God of Israel: ‘The bin of flour shall not be used up, nor shall the jar of oil run dry, until the day the Lord sends rain on the earth.’ ” - 1 Kings 17:13-14 NKJV

The widow has legitimate reasons to be concerned, but Elijah tells her to not fear, she is to obey God and trust Him to provide for all her needs. If he makes God a priority in her life, she does not have to be afraid. When we find ourselves in God’s will, we have nothing to fear. We minister not because we have an abundance but rather because God calls us to. We step out in faith to bless those around us, trusting that as we do the will of God, He will take care of our needs.

He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it. - Matthew 10:39 NKJV

Jesus makes it clear, we find life by giving it up. I don’t think He means reckless living or suicide, but rather a life where the focus has shifted from self to other. A life where obeying God is more important than my selfish desires. This is not an easy life, but it is the only life worth living.

If I truly believe that God is my provider, that He not only created me but also redeemed me. If I believe that God loves me beyond anything I could ever hope to comprehend, and if I believe that God calls me to bless those around me, why should I be afraid of stepping out in faith? If God is calling me to help others learn about Him why should I be afraid?

Trust

So she went away and did according to the word of Elijah; and she and he and her household ate for many days. The bin of flour was not used up, nor did the jar of oil run dry, according to the word of the Lord which He spoke by Elijah. - 1 Kings 17:15-16NKV

"While Jezebel feeds the prophets of Baal in Israel (1 Kgs 18:19), the Zarepthathite widow feeds Elijah, the prophet of Yahweh, in Sidon (1 Kgs 17:13–16)"  -- The Lexham Bible Dictionary.

We need to make sure we are following the will of God and not the will of humans, our own, or our spiritual leaders’. Spend time in prayer, read the Bible, but once you become convinced of what God is calling you to do, go for it trusting God to provide for you. Trust in God and live out your faith in service for those around you. Do not be afraid of ministry. Do not be afraid of helping others. Do not be afraid of sharing the love of God. Trust in God, don’t be afraid, and do what He is calling you to do.

Let your love for God guide your life, not fear. Do not focus on the problems, and reasons for you to not get involved, look to God, claim His promises, do not be afraid, trust in God, and get involved in service for the benefit of those around you.

God is faithful.

You do not have to be afraid.

[honestlyhufflepuff]

Here are 20 reasons I am leaving the caregiver job with the client I've had since 2008: a list of unprofessional behavior and abuse by my client's guardian.

1. She said I wasn't Christian anymore, and said I was disrespecting my mother, for leaving the church I was raised in.

2. During the first year of employment, she would yell at me multiple times a week over things like leaving a lamp on (this is while I was caring for her medically fragile, high needs adult daughter). She would accuse me of being incompetent or trying to get fired for unemployment.

3. She told me I was not approved off for my honeymoon, less than a month beforehand, when I gave her over 5 months notice with consistent reminders. She harassed me over several texts while I was on my honeymoon saying I would be fired if I did not return a week earlier than I was supposed to.

4. She told me I still had to come in when I was sick and vomiting because she did not believe me. I became dehydrated and was vomiting so much that I had uncontrollable dry heaving and was unable to drive home. She refused to come home early when I told her of my symptoms, and when she did come home to see me retching into her trash can, she started handing me cleaning supplies to disinfect the trash can and the entire bathroom before I went to the emergency room...

5. ...there was no apology or ownership in forcing a sick employee to work to the point of needing to be hospitalized. She would not accept that I could not come into work for the next 3 days until my husband delivered the doctor's note.

6. I worked there throughout college, and would present my new school schedule each semester. For one class, I made the mistake of scheduling it after work. She said the schedule worked with her, but then consistently got home 30 min to and hour late. I missed so many classes that I had to withdraw.

7. Even after the hospitalization mentioned in #3, she would continue to be skeptical of any time I called in sick over the years (which wasn't often). I had no PTO or sick leave to use even when I was full time, so when I took off I didn't get paid. I was never approved to take off for any reason, and when I did take off it was accompanied by a massive guilt trip about how I was putting her family in a bind. It did not matter if it was a vacation, an illness, a doctor's appointment, or a family emergency. It also did not matter how much or little notice I gave; the guilt trips and emotional manipulation still accompanied any time I needed off. To this day, with every job I've had, I am always incredibly anxious about asking off, but it's never been a problem anywhere else I've worked.

8. Emotionally manipulative things she has said to get me to stay:

-"We don't have anyone else. I have to go to my job in order to care for [client's name]. You would be jeopardizing my job by leaving, and her well being." (If pressed she eventually admits to not looking for anyone else)

-"[Client's name] loves you like a sister, and her quality of life would go down significantly without you..." continues to tell me that if I don't do what she wants then I don't love or care for the client, even if it is because I need a job with higher pay and benefits to support my own family.

-"I thought the two of us were friends. This is very selfish of you." (Any time I don't do what she wants, like continuing to go to school full time).

-"God has put her in your life for a reason. You are called as spiritual sisters. It's your responsibility to care for her."

-"In the real world-the business world- other people won't be ok with you just taking off without approval. It's insubordinate and unprofessional." I was only 18 when she told me this, and young enough to believe her. Once again, I've literally never had a problem taking off with any other client or job because I often had PTO, and was always able to obtain leave approval easily. Even when it meant the client parent had to take off from work, they understood that the onus was on them to find the needed staff to account for people needing sick days and vacation.

9. She puts me in the middle of personal drama, constantly bad-mouthing the client's father and other attendants (who all inevitably leave after a year or two at most).

10. Told me, after a decade of infertility, that God told her I would become pregnant and have a son I was to name Amos. She said it would only become true if I prayed about it, so now when I most likely don't become pregnant, I feel it will be blamed on my lack of faith- or the fact that I am a different faith from her. I feel this instance was truly out of good intention, but ultimately unprofessional and something I would have preferred she keep to herself.

11. For years, she never got home when she said she would. I could never make plans after work because she would agree to come home at 7 and sometimes not make it home until 8:30. She always blamed traffic, needing to run an errand, or her boss keeping her. Then, when I had my own child I had to pick up from an after school program, she consitently got home on time. This showed me that she did have the executive functioning skills to be on time, but did not respect my personal time or work with other clients enough to do so before I was a parent.

12. I bent over backwards trying to help her. I scheduled less time with higher paying clients that were lower need. I sometimes worked 60 hour weeks while I was also in school. It never felt like it was enough. Even for the time I was working there 6 hours a week it was always "Why can't you stay later? Where do you have to be?" The more I gave, the more was expected, and then I was guilted for not meeting that higher expectation.

13. She refused to take the time to have team meetings with other service providers and caregivers, despite the fact all my other client families do this, and keep staff much more consistently as a result. Because of this, information and instructions were always inconsistent. With the client being significantly behaviorally challenged and medically fragile, this was at everyone's detriment.

14. Over the years, I referred 3 friends to work for her because she insisted she could not find caregivers on her own. All 3 of them lasted less than a year due to her behavior. She would then blame them and trash talk them to me, despite knowing I was still friends with them.

15. She expected caregivers to also deep clean the house. We are talking hours worth of work, that there just was not time for within the shift while also meeting the needs of the client.

16. She is openly homophobic, xenophobic, and although she thinks of herself as "not racist," she was extremely weird towards my besf friend's African fiancé. She refused to shake his hand and told me she didn't think he was with her for the "right reasons." Maybe thought he was in it for a green card? She seemed skeptical when I told her that he became a citizen 2 years prior, and that they'd been dating 6 years.

17. She has systematically isolated my adult client more and more over the years. We used to share many interests in things like Harry Potter, early 2000's pop, anime, Harajuku fashion, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, etc. One by one, everything we bonded over was off limits, due to being a "bad influence" or "demonic." She is no longer allowed to engage in any age-expected media unless it is explicitly Christian, and it breaks my heart to see how sad she gets about that.

18. When I was in college, and completely broke after just paying for books and classes, she said that she wanted me to go to the water park with her and the client. Admission was $50. I assumed she was paying since I was being required to go for work, and this was always what was done in the past. In the car, I asked if I could ride a roller coaster that the client wouldn't be able to go on while they ate ice cream. She said "Sure! You can ride whatever you like!"

So, I start getting excited. We're chatting pleasantly until the moment when she says "OK, when we get out of the car, you can go pay for your ticket first, and then I will bring..."

My stomach dropped. I told her there was a misunderstanding, and that I could not afford my ticket. She acted like it wasn't right that she should have to pay for mine. I told her that if she didn't want to, then I could study at the Starbucks across the street while they attended the park. She said no, because obviously she still wanted my help with her daughter. She paid for my ticket, making passive aggressive comments the whole time about everything I did, from how I pushed the wheelchair to how long I took to go to the bathroom despite the line.

I was no longer permitted to go ride the roller coaster, and I sat in silence while they ate their ice cream.

19. Recently, due to Covid, I do not have child care for my own daughter on Fridays. I have been bringing her to work with me, which my client's mom was supportive of. Then the client had drastic behavioral changes that I won't detail, but that O can say was significantly stressful on my daughter, and made it stressful for me to manage both of them at the same time. I told the mother, 2 weeks in advance, that I could not come in on Fridays until the behavior was consistently resolved. I do not want to get a sitter outside of maybe my aunt, due to covid, and I wouldn't expect her to do that every week. My client's mom was very understanding of this at first, seeing as we both now have special needs children, but the night before the next Friday I was scheduled to come in she berated me for not finding babysitting to the point that I started to panic. I firmly told her that I gave her plenty of notice, and then blocked her number up until the day I was scheduled to come back in.

20. When she is home at the same time I am helping her daughter, she micromanages everything. I think she is incapable of just letting me do the same work I've been doing for over a decade without standing over my shoulder and looking for something wrong.

Some background info:

I wanted to write this, first of all, to document all the reasons that I am justified in leaving, so that I can refer back to it no matter how hard she tries to get me to stay. This is like my anonymous way of getting it off my chest since no one who follows me on here knows me irl. Second of all, I want all the young professionals on here to know that, if they are treated like this in the work place, it is ok to leave!

I started working for this family when I was 18, and I am now 31. I have worked as many as 60 hour weeks, and as little as twice a month when I was full time with the state, but I have always cared for her in some capacity since 2008. I am currently working 15-20 hours a week with her.

You may wonder why I've stayed so long, and in regards to that I will say first of all that abusive relationships are hard to leave. The abuser may convince you that you are bad and won't find anywhere else good enough to take you. This can pertain to any type of relationship, be it romantic, professional, parental, or friends.

Another factor is that I love my client deeply, and my employer takes advantage of that. We grew up childhood friends, which is one reason maintaining professional boundaries with this family has been so hard.

The last reason I have stayed may be the hardest to explain, but I will try.

Sometimes she is good. My employer has made improvements over the years. Most of the worst things on here happened when I was in college. I don't know if her improvement is due to a genuine change in heart, or because she knows deep down that her behavior is why all the other caregivers left.

Whatever the reason, we do actually care for each other. We do actually connect and have a good time. She is kind to my husband and my daughter. She often tells me that I am a godsend to her family, a loyal and talented caregiver, and the best friend her daughter has ever had (although she will contradict this the moment I am not doing what she wants).

What I want people in similar situations to know is that the good moments do not erase the trauma of the bad ones. It is not my responsibility to "get over it" because she is trying to do better. A lot of the stuff she has said and done run too deep, and when she lapses into her old ways, I find myself reacting in a panic-driven, irritable way that's not really me. It's a reaction to trauma. I am not required to continue to stay at an underpaid job with an environment that evokes such emotions.

So please, if you are being treated like this in your job, then leave. You will find something else. For me, I intend to have another job lined up before leaving, but I'm on my way. For the first time in years, I've revamped my resumé, and it felt so empowering to work on a document that highlights my strengths!

For anyone in a similar position, you've got this. There are a lot of great jobs out there. There are a lot of humane employers. If you are treated like this, then label it for what it is. It is abuse. It is unhealthy. It is not ok. It is not erased by the times they are nice. And you deserve better.

[fatehbaz]

June 2020: Minnesota resistance against Alberta-based pipelines near several reservations and through expansive wetlands near the prairie-forest border in the Iron Ranges; En/bridge Line 5 fossil fuel pipeline is now delayed. (I don’t see publicity/news which actually discusses the Line 5 and Line 3 projects in the same context, but both are related, and both are facing local and Native resistance.) Sault Ste. Marie Tribe of Chippewa Indians and Bay Mills Indian Community have been challenging the Michigan Public Service Commission’s potential approval of En/bridge Energy’s Great Lakes Tunnel Project, which would service En/bridge’s Line 5 pipeline which brings Alberta tar sands fossil fuels from Superior (Wisconsin) to Sarnia (Ontario). (En/bridge is based in Calgary.) Another En/bridge project being considered by the Minnesota Public Utilities Commission, the $2.6-billion Line 3 pipeline in Minnesota, would bring oil from Alberta to the same Superior (Wisconsin) site. But this Line 3 pipeline might be thwarted due to a combination of the ongoing chaotic implosion of Alberta’s oil industry and community resistance in Minnesota. An announcement from the first week of June: The pipeline, 340 miles of which was supposed to be constructed in Minnesota this summer, has been delayed for at least a year.

From 4 June 2020:

Excerpt: The MPCA had an Aug. 15 deadline to decide on water-quality permits for construction of the 340-mile pipeline across northern Minnesota. That deadline will be moved to Nov. 14 because of the “contested” status. Enbridge said Wednesday it expects the majority of the new Line 3 in Minnesota to be built next year, missing the summer construction season for the second consecutive year. [...] Line 3, which Enbridge said will employ more than 4,000 trades workers, would be one of the largest construction projects in Minnesota in recent years. Enbridge’s new pipeline would replace its aging Line 3, transporting crude from Alberta, Canada, to Superior, Wis. [Source: Hughlett. “Minnesota pollution regulators make decision that will delay $2.6B En/bridge pipeline project.” Minneapolis Star-Tribune. 4 June 2020.]

From 2 June 2020, from Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

From 5 June 2020:

Excerpt: A regulatory agency’s decision to take a closer look at a water permit for a controversial pipeline project in northern Minnesota came on the heels of an unusually active public-comment period. The Minnesota Pollution Control Agency (MPCA) this week agreed to review concerns about its permit for the Enbridge Line 3 project after four groups – three consisting of environmental organizations and one comprising two Native American bands – and 16 individuals petitioned the agency for a “contested case hearing.” [...] Besides the petitions, the agency fielded more than 10,000 comments – either online, through the mail or during three “telephone town halls” – during a public comment period that ran from March 2 to April 10. That’s 10 times the number of comments the agency received after it granted a so-called “401” water permit for another hotly contested project: the proposed PolyMet Mining copper-nickel mine on the Iron Range. [...] Enbridge wants to build a $2.6 billion oil pipeline that would replace an aging pipeline known as Line 3, which cuts across northern Minnesota. Earlier this year, the state’s Public Utilities Commission signed off on the project. [...] The Minnesota Environmental Partnership posed a question about the pipeline’s potential impact on the climate, which the MPCA dismissed. [...] The hearing, before an administrative law judge, is expected to be held this summer. [Source: Aamot. “Twenty petitions ...” MinnPost. 5 June 2020]

---

Headlines asking “is Alberta’s oil industry dead?!?!” were already being published in February 2020, before widespread pandemic and quarantine policies, in response to the defeat of the Frontier project, a $21-billion project that the federal Canadian government had been negotiating for 9 years. The project would’ve increased Canada’s oil production by 5%, caused devegetation of at least 25,000 acres of boreal forest. In preceding months, global oil giants including Ro/yal Dutch Sh/ell and Con/oco/Phi/llips had announced they were ending investment in Alberta oil fields. Then, in Alberta, during April/May 2020: The provincial government invested about $7 billion in the Keystone XL pipeline days before a US court halted portions of the pipeline’s construction. Alberta reports a $15-billion deficit. By 2 April 2020, Alberta oil companies have cut staff due to covid, some companies losing up to 50% of staff. Alberta’s highest appeals court cancelled a $440-million oil sands project, ruling in favor of Fort McKay First Nation.

By mid-May 2020, Alberta provincial government announced that oil companies no longer have to report environmental damages and reviews of waste disposal (at least temporarily). Even before pandemic, Alberta Energy Regulator, the province’s review board that issues mining/oil permits, basically only existed for show, and pretty much approves any and every mining project. Then, Alberta provincial government announced that it would be allowing open-pit coal mining in vast areas of the the Rocky Mountain foothills, which had been off-limits for coal mining for decades, announcing that Alberta Energy Regulator would immediately begin issuing coal mining permits. This announcement came during the same week that Alberta’s energy minister said publicly that covid pandemic is a great time to open new fossil fuel mines, because lockdown/quarantine policies mean that people (especially First Nations people) cannot gather in public to protest against the infrastructure. Finally, by the end of May, Alberta provincial government is considering a bill that would essentially criminalize protesting altogether, outlawing any gathering that obstructs, like, a sidewalk or something.

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff | Smut

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence (bloody violence), Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Additional Warnings: Video footage of torture, graphic physical violence, captured/kidnapping

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,778

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​, @shrimpmsg​​,

AN: It’s about to get dark, dark, and even darker still. I just want to remind everyone that I love you all for coming on this journey with me. Thank you for loving this story and remember that you are loved.

Chapter 49: Danger

“You’re in danger right now, why are you testing me? Why are you testing me? Stop confusing me.“

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Three Days Later Seoul – Hannam; Yongsan District South Korea

Hoseok took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose as he leaned back in the plush leather chair. Soft music played from the stereo in the corner of the room; a semi-vain attempt at quieting his thoughts. They were pervasive, loud, and extremely unwelcome these days. Namjoon insisted he take the day off, reassuring Hoseok that both he and Yoongi could handle things while he was away from the office. He wasn’t one to be fussed over, but even he had to admit that the mounting stress from the last few months was finally beginning to take a toll on him.

It was quiet. Too quiet. This disturbed him on various levels in ways that he couldn’t possibly describe. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. He had. Hoseok tried time and again to empty his feelings at Seokjin and Namjoon’s feet. But it always fell short; something felt incomplete about his trepidation.

There shouldn’t have been a reason, however. Hoseok knew this. He’d made his stance very clear with Changkyun the last time they crossed paths with one another. He would not be part of the little games he was attempting to play, and he wouldn’t be coerced into walking back into darkness. None of them would.

Too much was at stake now. They were all slowly building something with their own hands; something that was of some semblance of clean. Happiness fluttered around his brothers like butterflies and he enjoyed that they were able to indulge in the little things in life for a change; things they often took for granted when they were living in the countryside.

Anastasia was pregnant, her belly swollen with the life that she was nurturing. Seokjin babied and pampered her and the others were getting used to the idea that they were all going to be uncles. When the topic of marriage was brought up, Seokjin merely smiled. He said nothing else on the matter and they didn’t push. It was clear that he would do things at his own pace.

Raelyn, too, was pregnant. Truth be told, it stung Hoseok in a way that he wouldn’t dare admit aloud. Taehyung loved her and it was clear she cared for him as well. Who was he to get in the way of that happiness, regardless of his own lingering attachments? It wasn’t fair. He wouldn’t be unfair. She was only a month behind Anastasia and Taehyung made a point to notify everyone that Raelyn was forever spoken for. No one mentioned marriage at all since Taehyung had plans of his own.

Jungkook and Eden were now living together. He remembered the look on his youngest brother’s face when he closed on the house, notifying the others that he would be moving out of their home in UN Village. The others protested at first. They didn’t think it was necessary for Jungkook to move out when Eden could have easily moved into their home instead. They had plenty of room and privacy. But after a conversation Hoseok had with Jimin and Jungkook both, he realized that it was the better option. He didn’t want to pour salt into any wounds. Especially not Yoongi’s.

It came as a surprise, at first, when he’d heard about Yoongi’s relationship with Eden prior. None of the others poked or investigated their brother, believing that he was going off to be with someone he cared about after being dragged through the dirt in the underground. While he knew that Yoongi’s loyalty was absolute and he cared deeply for his brothers, sometimes even The Lightning Claw yearned for an escape from the shadows that clung to their ankles persistently.

As he leaned back in the chair, he pressed his forearm against his temple while his other hand rested along his stomach. Dark eyes idly stared at the ceiling, looking at nothing in particular. His heart beat softly against his chest and he drummed his fingers along in time with the sound. He hummed a tune to himself, closing his eyes as he took a moment to think about everything they’d gone through to reach this point. It was a long journey – seemingly endless. Ten years flashed by so quickly that Hoseok often questioned if it was a dream they were all sharing; one where they hadn’t been able to wake up from yet.

So much fighting, stealing, and climbing over horrifyingly large mountains. Their knuckles burned white and their fingernails bled from how hard they were holding on to both themselves and their goals. Reaching the peak of the mountain, gazing over the horizon – over their kingdom – Hoseok could claim that it was something they could look back on with a mild feeling of fondness.

He couldn’t help but wonder if things would be different had they all decided to remain in their hometown.

Letting his arm fall against the armrest of the chair, he scoffed and shook his head. What’s the point of worrying about that now?

They all decided things together. They agreed to uproot themselves and walked hand-in-hand into the pits of Hell. Hadn’t everything they’d accomplished to this point, means be damned, been the result they wanted? It was all so they could have a better life at the cost of their innocence.

Im Changkyun had been right about one thing. Sacrifices had to be made. They had to be willing to make them.

The soft chime of the doorbell rang throughout the house. Hoseok sat up, brushing his hair out of his eyes. Looking at the video phone, he picked it up as the person near the front gate lifted his face toward the camera. The young man wore a uniform, presumably a delivery service. He had a small package in his arms. He waved to the camera and Hoseok felt his brows furrow. He wasn’t expecting a delivery.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh, yes Sir? I have a delivery for Jung Hoseok?”

“Who’s it from?”

“There’s no return address, Sir.”

He sighed. “Just leave it.”

“It’s requiring that someone sign for it, Sir.”

Something uncomfortable settled in the pit of Hoseok’s gut. He could have just told the delivery boy to go away and have the package returned to the shipping company. It wasn’t like he’d be punished for it and Hoseok was certain he hadn’t ordered a parcel. If anything, this was a potential headache in the making and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.

“Uh, Sir? Are you there?”

Hoseok pressed two fingers to his forehead and groaned. “Fine, I’ll be right out. Stay there.”

Rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, he exited his office and headed toward the front door. Sliding into a pair of sneakers, he grabbed his wallet and slid it into the back pocket of his slacks. The security lock beeped behind him as the door closed and he slowly trudged down the winding path of the front garden toward the front gate. He entered the passcode and pulled the gate open slowly, his back rigid as he prepared to brace himself for anything that might have attempted to catch him off guard.

The young man smiled, holding out the small parcel toward Hoseok. He took it, cradling it under one arm, while he signed the tablet with the stylus. The delivery man checked his signature, bowed, and bid him a wonderful rest of his afternoon. Hoseok merely nodded, closing the gate and began heading back toward the house when the security lock beeped again.

Mindlessly inputting the passcode, he entered the house while examining the package. It was a simple white box with red and blue accents around it – presumably the logo and color scheme of the shipping company. It was no longer than a standard envelope and as thick as two decks of cards. His name was on the front but like the delivery man stated, there was no return address.

For the sake of argument, Hoseok shook the box and heard the soft rattling sound of something hitting the inside along all four corners. Whatever was inside was small and light. He tossed the box up and down, confirming much of the weight was from what was concealed in the box. Opening the flaps from one end, he held the box at an angle and a small USB thumb drive fell into his palm. There was nothing about it that stood out; just a simple red and black thumb drive with the manufacturer’s logo on it. He shook the box again but nothing else was inside.

Tossing the box into the nearby waste bin, Hoseok entered his office and closed the door behind him. His legs moved toward his desk and he flopped into his chair. Pulling up a virus scanner on his computer, he made sure it was ready and waiting before sliding the thumb drive into one of the USB ports. Two minutes went by and the virus scanner confirmed there was nothing malicious on the drive, deeming it safe to open.

Clicking on the icon for the drive, there was a folder with his name on it. He opened it and saw three files inside: two video clips and a text document. There was nothing urgent on the text file’s label. It merely read For Hoseok. The video clips, however, had two different dates on them: three days ago and today, followed by the numbers 1 and 2.

He clicked on the first video.

The picture was dark, showing that whatever room the video was being filmed in had poor lighting. He could make out a couple of silhouettes, but there weren’t any distinctive features that could help him discern who the figures belonged to. About ten seconds into the video, a light clicked on – illuminating one of the people in the video.

It didn’t take him long to recognize who it was and the moment he did, Hoseok thought his guts had fallen out of his body.

In the video, there was a woman sitting in a chair. She was tied up with what looked like a combination of regular ropes and large chains. Her mouth was gagged with a bright red cloth and her head hung forward, the light over her head shadowing the rest of her face. The intensity of the light hanging over her made it only slightly difficult to discern her skin color, but her dark curls that fell around her neck and across her shoulders was unmistakable. Something dangled from her neck – he could only assume it was a necklace of some kind.

But he still couldn’t see her face.

“No,” he whispered while shaking his head. He could feel a cold sweat forming on his brow. “There’s no way that’s…”

All the moisture left his mouth in mid-denial. A masked man grabbed a handful of the woman’s curls, yanking her head back. A muffled yell of outrage pushed from her chest, lost against the bright red fabric pressed over her mouth. Her face was fully illuminated in the light and even Hoseok could no longer deny who was sitting in that chair.

It was Eden.

The video was only ninety seconds long and it abruptly ended with a hand holding up two fingers in front of the camera lens. The person in the video was telling him to click on the second video file.

He clicked on the other video file labeled with today’s date.

It was the same nondescript room and Eden was still sitting in the chair. A trail of blood seeped from her temple and her shirt was torn open from the neck to her stomach, exposing her bra and skin. The necklace continued to hang from her neck and he could see there was a ring looped through the chain. It appeared that her shoulder was injured, the denim jacket stained a darker shade of blue on just her right shoulder. A large cut decorated her thigh and he could see where the blood blossomed across her jeans – staining her entire upper leg red.

Eden looked like she was fading in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, water was splashed over her face and chest, jolting her awake and it appeared that she was attempting to focus on her current predicament. When it seemed like the answer was dawning on her features, Eden raged through the bandana over her mouth, her body rocking back and forth viciously to break free from her restraints. One of the men backhanded her hard and she went limp, her head rolling forward.

Hoseok saw the blood leaking from beneath the gag.

The video ended.

Horror and fury tore through Hoseok’s entire body, threatening to rip him asunder. His shoulders vibrated from his anger and his vision blurred from the onset of furious tears. Getting his hands to steady over the mouse was a task in and of itself. When he managed to finally tether it down to move it, he clicked on the text file with his name on it.

It felt like the ground opened beneath him and swallowed him whole.

Hoseok Hyung,

I have to say, I’m impressed. Truly. I can’t find a single weak point in your defenses. But that shouldn’t come as a surprise, should it? You’ve always been so careful; always fully aware of your surroundings. The others are the same; a habit they’ve picked up from you, perhaps?

It’s a shame that same skill wasn’t embroiled in your women.

Not that it’s their fault. When you believe that you’re safe, what reason do you need to keep your guard up? Blissful ignorance does that to a person. Believing you’ve won makes you sloppy.

Your brothers have become sloppy, Hyung.

As interesting as it would have been to go after the women carrying your brothers’ children, I’m not a monster. Besides, Eden is the strongest of them and breaking her will only prove my point further.

That you’ve all grown weak in the light.

Hyung, this is my final offer. Stop letting the light blind you. Stop letting those weak dreams and ambitions dictate the rest of your lives. You can’t protect the things you love when you don’t have the power to stop anyone who would try to take it from you. You had that power and you threw it away.

And for what?

For love? Success? So you can lay in your graves, close your eyes, and think you’ll greet the Reaper with a nice clean conscience? Don’t be ridiculous.

Let’s see how long it takes you to find her. You already know asking for the police won’t do you any good. We have the Chief in our back pocket; we have for years.

By the time you read this, the boys and I will be out of the country on a business trip. Tracking us down will just be a waste of time. Both yours and hers. Every minute counts and the longer you take to find her, the more she’s going to suffer because of your inability to act.

The clock is ticking, Hyung.

And the game is still on.

Good luck.

Im Changkyun

For a moment, all Hoseok could do was stare at the words on the screen. He couldn’t breathe. He could barely think.

Then he saw red.

Hoseok jumped from his chair, grabbed the monitor, and hurled it across the room. The sound that ripped through him was beyond anything a human being should have been capable of making. Glass shattered as it crashed into the wall, breaking into numerous pieces. He picked up the keyboard and began to smash it across his desk, breaking the glass top as the keys popped off and scattered across the floor. Even when the keyboard was split in half, he continued to pummel his desk – creating more spider vein cracks along the surface.

And then he blacked out.

Hoseok didn’t know how long he was out. What brought him out of the darkness was the sound of Namjoon’s voice, as well as his body moving back and forth. Slowly, Hoseok’s eyes opened and he saw his friend looking down at him with extreme concern.

“Hoseok-ah!” Again, Namjoon shook him. “Are you alright? Hey, come on!”

His vision blurred in and out of focus, his head spinning, and he reached out blindly to grab onto Namjoon’s shoulder. “N-Namjoon-ah,” he croaked, realizing how raw his voice sounded, “the boys. C-Call the boys.”

Namjoon frowned, not sure what he was trying to tell him. Hoseok growled in frustration.

“GET EVERYONE HOME RIGHT NOW, GODDAMMIT!”

[insanityclause]

As Hollywood contemplates the risks and uncertainties around going back into production in the coming months after coronavirus-imposed shutdowns, strategies for scaled-back sets are beginning to emerge. Producers Brian Kavanaugh-Jones and Chris Ferguson — from the companies Automatik (“Honey Boy,” “Bad Education”) and Oddfellows (“Child’s Play”), respectively — have created a proposal titled “Isolation Based Production Plan,” which Variety has obtained.

They began working on it weeks ago, sending versions of the multi-page document to colleagues and industry friends asking for feedback about what in the plan would and would not work. It would be most directly applicable to lower-to-mid-budget movies, but elements of it could be used for other types of productions. The proposal — surely one of many being worked on at studios and production companies in the entertainment industry — sheds light on what types of precautions will need to be taken, and what sacrifices might have to be made for Hollywood to get back to work after the production shutdown that occurred en masse in mid-March.

Kavanaugh-Jones and Ferguson spoke with Variety reluctantly about the plan, because of the sensitivities around scaled-down sets, particularly with unions. They also expressed qualms about speaking out in the current environment, when the idea of going back to work has been politicized, becoming yet another toxic division in the United States. “I wouldn’t want to be misconstrued as advocating for the reopening of production,” Ferguson said. “We’re just building ideas around maybe what could happen when it feels like the right thing.”

They emphasized that their two companies have no timetables to get back into production, and said that the copy of the plan was the fourth or fifth draft of it. Ferguson called it “a living, breathing document.”

The document, as it stands, would require entire production teams to follow stringent rules to minimize the spread of the coronavirus. The entire cast and crew would be in a two-week quarantine before they would begin production, and would be tested. It’s not laid out in the plan, but Kavanaugh-Jones said he envisions treating the production like one in a “distant location,” where “a small crew takes over a hotel that has been aggressively cleaned, and they live there full-time completely quarantined.”

After they complete their quarantine, the proposal lays out that they will be divided into three pods: Pod 1 would be the on-set cast and crew, Pod 2 is base camp (makeup and hair, catering) and Pod 3 is set design/prep. Pod 1 would be a minimum of 17 people, plus the cast — including a director, cinematographer and one on-set producer. Any stunts or VFX supervisors would be additional members of the on-set crew. “I think what we tried to do was apply the indie model to this document,” Kavanaugh-Jones said.

He acknowledged that many actors, directors and other members of production would not want to do it. But others might: “I think there are going to be some people that say, ‘Yeah, I’m up for it. I’ll go self-isolate in a hotel room for 14 days, and have my food delivered by a specific delivery service and wipe everything down and be really aggressive about that, so that on day 15, I can go shoot something with my coworker-slash-castmate who’s done the same.”

In the proposal, costumes, props and sets would also be put in quarantine. Locations and sets would be dressed, and then sealed for three days (or whatever the most conservative estimate is) “to allow viruses on surfaces to die.”

Each pod would have a position called a “quarantine supervisor.” The document contains a job description: “They will each be responsible for supervising and enforcing quarantine and disinfecting protocols. They will also be regularly disinfecting and cleaning common surfaces throughout the day. The Quarantine Supervisor will also check in with each crew member in their pod and check their temperatures.”

The job of quarantine supervisor is, Kavanaugh-Jones said, a “made-up role.” They don’t expect doctors or nurses to take on those responsibilities: “Those folks need to be working at hospitals right now,” he said. Ideally, they said, quarantine supervisors would be unionized health-related specialists with extra training specific to COVID-19.

The production, according to this plan, would also have remote staff, such as the line producer, production manager, buyers and post-production staff (editor, composer, sound mixer).

The changes to production in this plan would be profound, and aesthetics would be affected as well. Hair and makeup, usually a department working on multiple actors at once, would be a single person working on one actor at a time — and not on set. “Makeup application tools & supplies will be purchased per cast member and used only on that individual cast member,” the plan states. “These supplies will be kept in individual cast bags. Cast will remove their own makeup to limit contact at the end of the day.”

Throughout the interview, Kavanaugh-Jones and Ferguson mentioned the types of movies that could be made under these strictures. “Could you go make ‘Avengers’ on this kind of production plan? No,” Kavanaugh-Jones said. “Could you go make ‘127 Hours’? Yes.” Ferguson added that a movie like “300,” Zack Snyder’s effects-heavy 2007 film, something that put “a lot more weight onto post production rather than physical production” could also be produced within these rules.

One dictate of the proposal is that “scripts must be developed and modified to minimize day players” because “there will be no day players” — which would be a huge change for the industry, if implemented widely. The iconic Australian soap opera “Neighbours,” produced by Fremantle Australia, is starting up again next week, without extras and day players. According to the Deadline report about “Neighbours,” the show will use “crew members already on set doubling as background performers,” inflaming several readers in the comments section, who cited SAG-AFTRA’s rules against such things. (SAG-AFTRA does not have jurisdiction over Australian productions. Without seeing this plan’s specifics, David P. White, national executive director, SAG-AFTRA, told Variety: “We have deep concerns about any premature effort to commence production without appropriate safety protocols in place. We will continue our collaboration with industry representatives to develop a responsible plan for a safe return to work, and will aggressively protect SAG-AFTRA’s jurisdiction.”

Additionally, the plan’s proposed bare-bones crew will surely agitate IATSE, the union that represents below-the-line workers — nearly all of whom are out of work right now. But Ferguson and Kavanaugh-Jones emphasize they want to adhere to union rules, and the proposal has a provision to make sure that’s clear: “The production will have to budget for additional days of crew members who will not actually be called to work in order to comply with their jurisdiction’s regulations around minimum hire,” it reads. (IATSE did not immediately respond to a request for comment.)

Additionally, the plan proposes that “shoot days” will be limited to “10-hour days.” Ferguson said that aspect is crucial, because with long days “it’s just going to be impossible to not get sloppy.”

Yes, these things — the 10-hour days, paying crew members not to work — would cost more, Kavanaugh-Jones said: “Everything in that document, everything we’re thinking about is how to prioritize safety over everything else. And if that means that things are going to cost a little bit more or extend a little longer, we’ll just have to decide if that’s possible or not.” Productions in France, he added, have worked 9 1/2-hour days for years.

Whether insurance companies will take a chance on any productions is an open question, and whether financiers would still back a film insured except for a COVID-19 cutout is also a huge question mark. “So how much collective risk are we willing to take as a community?” Kavanaugh-Jones wondered. “That’s going to be the question over the next coming months.”

As for when production might begin again, every answer is imaginary. Whether it’s July, like the TV networks hope it can be, or August or September — no one knows. “Neighbours” starting up again, and film and television production resuming in Sweden and Denmark recently will certainly provide test cases — not cautionary tales, one hopes.

“There is going to be real change and upheaval through all of this, and people are going to have to get really creative and smart,” Kavanaugh-Jones said. “It’s so devastating for so many people. And ultimately that’s the goal of the document — to start the conversation about getting people back to work.”

[ss9slb]

Master List Princes of the Undead Part 2

Agatha Van Helsing just wanted to finish her 150 years of conscripted service and move on with the rest of her immortal life. Just 27 years to go. Now the reappearance of a certain Count, was turning her carefully laid plans upside down. Sure, someone needed to retrieve Dracula, and induct/rehabilitate him properly into undead society, but why did that someone have to be her?

Mature, contains scenes of an explicit sexual nature and some violence.

Count Dracula x Agatha Van Helsing

Part 2 Chapter 1

As usual it was raining. Staring out of the tiny plane window, Count Dracula took in the familiar London landmarks. The sensation of flight still hadn’t lost its novelty for him. Yet the tension in his stomach, had more to do with his destination, than any lingering nerves.

Chapter 2

The blonde stewardess tasted a little of everywhere she had been, and although he was more widely travelled now than ever before, there were still parts of the world he hadn't visited. Dracula had plucked her memories like a virtuoso did a violin’s strings, savouring one then the other. Before settling on a magnificent plateau filled with ruins, steep green mountainous slopes stretching out as far as his eye could see. So high up they were even above the clouds. Dracula slowed down the rate at which he drained her, just so he had longer to enjoy the view.

Chapter 3

“Well isn’t this lovely, the three of us all together again…” Mycroft’s attempt at levity fell decidedly flat.

In fact, neither of his guests so much as glanced in his direction. No, they only had eyes for each other. Which was interesting.

Chapter 4

From the moment she had heard about this party, who it was for and that her attendance was mandatory, Agatha Van Hesling had been dreading it. Countless nights of interrupted sleep, both from fear she would embarrass herself, and thusly her clan, but mainly from wanting to avoiding bumping into Dracula in their dreams. All this had sapped her complexion and given her some dreadful bags; until Lucy had forced her to take several long power naps during the day, in lieu of their lesson time. Where Lucy disappeared off to during those hours, Agatha didn’t know, nor care to ask, but she suspected young Dr Seward was involved as Lucy came back far too chipper.

Chapter 5

Dracula should never have come back to England. He had been resigned to his choices before coming back, before seeing Agatha again. Although he hadn’t been able to rid himself of his feelings for her, Dracula had been able to bury them deep within himself, had been able to travel and explore the delights of the world without her spectre hanging over him. Fool that he was Dracula had thought she had lost her power over him. Yet here he was back little more than a couple of weeks and he was right back where he started from.

Chapter 6

Agatha knew she was being a coward. She had dumped a significant traumatic event on Dracula, and then ran away, before he even had time to process it. She had let him in, only to push him away again, and perhaps it would serve her right, if he really did decide Isabella would be much less trouble. Yet she couldn’t allow herself to fall back to asleep, too afraid to continue that conversation, and have it confirmed that he agreed with her after all. If she didn’t sleep, and they didn’t talk, then Agatha could pretend nothing had changed.

Chapter 7

For Dracula it felt like he had waited a lifetime for her to say those words to him, and he was overcome by conflicting desires, to both rush and yet also to prolong the experience.

Chapter 8

Agatha’s first thought upon waking was that she felt so relaxed that she never wanted to move, the second was that she was sore, the third was that she wasn’t the only one awake…or at least part of Dracula was. Very awake and very insistent, and very much pressing against her thigh.

Chapter 9

“This apartment is really small.”

Huffing she brushed her teeth, rinsing out the sour taste of a late night, and an even later morning, Agatha rolled her eyes at her reflection. She could hear Dracula rummaging about in the next room. She could picture the scene to accompany the noises, imaging him nosing through her pile of books on the coffee table, and pacing the few feet over to the large sash window that looked down over the bustling city street below.

Chapter 10

Dracula ignored Mycroft’s messages for as long as he could, which for him meant until the next morning. He had known there would be political fallout from his actions, but whatever it cost him, Agatha was worth it. So, was it any wonder that he wanted to savour every possible moment with her, before the shit hit the fan?

Chapter 11

Stretching out in his bed Count Dracula couldn’t remember a time when he had been happier. The last few weeks had been bliss. The only negative was that he couldn’t keep Agatha to himself all the time.

Chapter 12

“No...No...No!”

The rap of a conducting baton against the piano top had Agatha stop in the middle of her playing. Already she had tried to complete Debussy’s Suite bergamasque piano solo five times, every time being told to stop and start again. First it was her posture, then her fingering, then her timing, then her posture had lapsed again.

Chapter 13

Count Dracula would much rather be at home right now. A thought that even a few months ago would have been unthinkable. Yet a few months ago he didn’t have a partner like Agatha to come home to. He was finally becoming almost domestic at the grand old age of 534.

Chapter 14

He was dying...again.

The lights of London seemed to blur in front of his eyes and Dracula wasn’t sure which would happen first, that he would pass out, or throw up, or both? The only thing that he could almost concentrate on, was the bobbing figure of Agatha in the distance. She was a good fifty yards or so in front of him, never closer or further away, and this Dracula took as a sign she still loved him; as it certainly wasn’t him keeping pace.

Chapter 15

She watched from the river bank. Even knowing it was fake, Agatha wanted to scream out at him to stop. She watched as he stepped up to the bridge railing, his height causing him to stand out from the crowd, even at this distance. Then he stepped up, swinging his leg over the railing, the crowd of commuters reacting like a shoal of fish, at first scattering, then turning to gawk but none of them stepped up to stop him. A moment later he was jumping and falling, and someone was screaming…it was her, she was screaming.

Chapter 16

“I want to try and communicate with the people you ate last night.”

“You want to what?” Of all the things he had been expecting Agatha to say when he finally came to bed that night, Dracula had not expected her to say that.

Chapter 17

“This will work better if you relax.”

Dracula couldn’t help the suggestive smirk that pulled at his lips, his eyebrows waggling suggestively as Agatha tutted and smacked his arm.

[hazardville]

Fuck You Facebook

So, in case anyone’s seeing this without coming here from my Facebook: Facebook removed this post because it was flagged as spam.  I’m preserving it here because this information should be shared and Facebook’s attempts to obscure the sharing of health information should be condemned, widely and publicly.  Enjoy. This is a long post addressing two underlying issues with the current response to the pandemic that leave me concerned.   It’s the longest post I’ve ever written.  The Medium version of this post (link below) has been viewed 1.2M in less than the last 24 hours as of 3/17/20. For those of you not taking action, or believing the pandemic to be “over hyped”, you can make fun of me as much as you want now or when this is over.  You can make me the subject of memes and post it everywhere.  I will pose for the picture.  I am not trying to convince you, but I do feel compelled to share information that I deem critical to all of us, which is why I am posting this at all. WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE 5 MINUTES TO READ AND CONSIDER THE INFORMATION I AM SHARING: As of 3/15/20 at 9 am PST this post has been shared over 50k times since it was posted 2 days ago.  So a lot of people find value in the post and although it's a long read, I believe you will find this information valuable too. For those of you who don’t know me well, I am analytical and metered.  I don’t freak out nor do I respond emotionally.  I also don’t post a bunch of bullshit or political or controversial stuff on Facebook.  I founded and am CEO of a successful software company that provides SaaS based data, analytics, and dashboards to recruiting departments at companies we all know.  As you would expect, I am data driven and fact based.  Before founding my company I held executive roles leading very large recruiting teams at some of the world's fastest growing companies such as Starbucks and Google.  At Google I was fortunate enough to report to Sheryl Sandberg before she took the Facebook COO role.  I was a Chemical Engineering major in college and have a business degree from a top undergraduate business school.  I am not one for hyperbole or histrionics.  My bullshit factor is close to zero. I share all this personal information only to help solidify that this post may be worth reading and sharing with others. I would encourage you to forward or share this post at your discretion.  Many people do not understand what is happening with the pandemic to the degree required which is why I took the time to write this and share this on Facebook. Now that I've gotten the introduction out of the way, here are two issues I want to bring to everyone’s attention.   ISSUE ONE:  SOCIAL NORMS ARE POWERFUL MOTIVATORS AND GETTING IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE TAKING THE RIGHT STEPS IN RESPONSE TO THE PANDEMIC:   One of the current problems with addressing the pandemic is the social pressures of taking action today. It's awkward, and feels like an over-reaction. The reason it feels like an overreaction is that most people OVERWEIGHT the currently reported cases and inherently UNDERWEIGHT the mathematics of how the virus is spreading and what will happen in about 30 days time. This is because our brains tend to think linearly as opposed to logarithmically.  It’s the same reason many people don’t save for retirement or understand compound interest.   To create a new social norm, human beings like to see behavior modeled. This serves as a signal that says, “oh, someone else is doing it so I should do it also.”   SO HERE IS A SOCIAL BENCHMARK FOR REFERENCE - THIS IS WHAT I’VE DONE FOR MY FAMILY TO DATE: I have already isolated my family. We have canceled EVERYTHING. We have canceled previously scheduled doctor visits.  Social get togethers.  No play dates.  Normal routine meetings.  Everything has been canceled.   It's difficult and socially awkward. Some of you think I’m crazy, but I’m doing it not because I am afraid, but because I am good at math (more on that in part 2).  I had to have my 16 year old daughter quit her job coaching junior gymnasts at the local gym, with one day’s notice and also tell my kids they can't attend youth group at church. Both of those were tough discussions.  I told a very close friend he shouldn’t stay at my house this weekend even though he was planning to and had booked his flight from the Bay Area.  I canceled another dear friend’s visit for later this month to go snowboarding on Mt Bachelor. We are not eating out.  Our kids are already doing online school so we don’t have to make changes there.  I would not send my kids to school even if they were in public or private school.  We have eliminated all non-essential contact with other people.  We will only venture out to grocery shop when required.  We will still go outside to parks, go mountain biking, hiking, and recreate to keep ourselves sane and do other things as a family, just not with other people.  We have stocked up on food and have a supply for ~2 months.  We have stocked up on other goods that if depleted would create hardship, like medicines and feminine hygiene products.  We have planned for shortages of essential items. THE REASON I HAVE CHOSEN THIS ROUTE FOR MY FAMILY IS MULTI FACETED: 1.    Although my family is considered low risk (I’m 49 in good health, Angi is 46 and in good health, and our kids are 14 and 16), we must assume that the healthcare system cannot help us, because the hospitals will become overwhelmed very quickly.  Most American hospitals will become overwhelmed in approximately 30 days unless something changes.   More on this in part 2 below.  So although we are in great health and unlikely to become gravely ill, the risk is greater if you do not have access to the medical care that you need.  This is something for everyone to consider.  As a society we are accustomed to having access to the best medical care available.  Our medical system will be overwhelmed unless we practice social distancing at scale.  That said, the medical teams in Italy are seeing an alarming number of cases from people in their 40s and 50s.  Triage tents are already going up in the parking lots at many hospitals close to the epicenters in the United States. 2.    It’s not a matter of if social distancing will take place, it’s a matter of when.  This is because social distancing is the only way to stop the virus today.   As I will explain in part 2 below, starting now is FAR more effective than starting even 2 days from now or tomorrow. This has been proven by Italy and China (and soon to be France and other European countries who have been slow to respond.) [updated as of 3/14 France is now on lockdown mandated by the government].  Wuhan went on lockdown after roughly 400 cases were identified (and they had access to testing that America has systematically failed to do well to date).  The US already has more than 4 times this number of known infected cases as Wuhan did when it was shut down, and our citizens are far more mobile and therefore spreading the virus more broadly when compared to Wuhan.  Yet our response is tepid at best.   If hand washing and “being smart” were sufficient Italy would not be in crisis.  So I pray the draconian measures are coming from our government, because they are required to stop the spread of the virus.   It’s better to start sooner than later as the cost is actually far greater if we wait.  I pray they close all schools and non-essential services the way that Italy and China have done. 3.    Spreading the virus puts those in the high-risk category at much greater risk.  This is the moral argument.  It’s a strong argument because there are only two ways, as of today, that the virus can be stopped:   let it run its course and infect 100s of millions of people, or social distancing.  There is no other way today.  If you don’t practice social distancing, people downstream from you that you transmit the virus to will die, and many will suffer. 4.    The risk of infection is increasing exponentially, because the quantity of infected people, most who will not show symptoms, is doubling every three days.  So the longer you wait to self-isolate, the greater the chance of you or someone you love becoming infected and then you infecting others because more of the population is becoming infected.  There are twice as many infected people today as there was on Tuesday. 5.    The virus is already in your town.  It’s everywhere.  Cases are typically only discovered when someone gets sick enough to seek medical attention.  This is important as it typically takes ~5 days to START showing ANY symptoms.  Here’s the math:  For every known case there are approximately 50 unknown cases.  This is because if I become sick, I infect several people today, and they infect a few people each tomorrow (as do I), and the total count of infected people doubles every 3 days until I get so sick I get hospitalized or get tested and become a “known case”.  But in the time it takes me to figure out I am sick 50 others downline from me now have the virus.  So every third day the infection rate doubles until I get so sick that I realize I have the virus an am hospitalized or otherwise tested.  Harvard and Massachusetts General Hospital estimate that there are 50x more infections than known infections as reported (citation below).  The implication of this is that the virus is already “everywhere” and spreading regardless if your city has zero, few or many reported cases.  So instead of the 1573 reported known cases today there are likely 78,650 cases, at least, in the United States.  Which will double to 157,300 by this Sunday.  And this will double to 314,600 cases by this coming Wednesday.  So in less than 1 week the number of total infected in the United States will quadruple.  This is the nature of exponential math.  It’s actually unfortunate that we are publishing the figures for known cases as it diverts attention away from more important numbers (like the range of estimated actual cases).  [Update as of 3/15/20 - I've been sent more research that may add clarity to the ACTUAL cases vs CONFIRMED cases and will update this post with any conclusions] 6.  Some people cannot, or will not, practice social distancing for a variety of reasons and will continue to spread the virus to many people.  So everyone else must start today.   The reasons above are why I have begun to practice social distancing.   It’s not easy.  But you should do it too. The hospitals will be at capacity and there are not enough ventilators. You will hear a lot about this issue in the coming few weeks... the shortage of ventilators. ISSUE TWO:  MANY PEOPLE ARE FOCUSED ON THE WRONG NUMBERS: Yes, the virus only kills a small percentage of those afflicted.  Yes, the flu kills 10s of thousands of people annually.  Yes, 80% of people will experience lightweight symptoms with COVID19.  Yes the mortality rate of COVID19 is relatively low (1-2%).  All of this true, but is immaterial.  They are the wrong numbers to focus on...   The nature of exponential math is that the infection rates start slowly, and then goes off like a bomb and overwhelms the hospitals. You will understand this math clearly in the next section if you do the short math exercise.  Evergreen hospital in Seattle is already in triage. I have heard credible reports from people on the ground that they are already becoming overwhelmed.  And the bomb won't really go off for a few more days.  Probably by Wednesday, March 18th (next week).  In just a few days from now we will hear grave reports from Seattle hospitals.   [update as of 3/15/20 - see the comments section below for an update from a staff member at Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland, WA] You should assume the virus is everywhere at this point, even if you have no confirmed cases in your area. YOU SHOULD DO THIS SIMPLE 2 MINUTE MATH EXERCISE (NO REALLY TAKE TWO MINUTES AND DO IT): To further understand exponential growth, take the number of confirmed cases in your area and multiply by 10 (or 50 if you believe Harvard and Massachusetts General estimations) to account for the cases that are not yet confirmed. If you have no confirmed cases choose a small number.   I’d suggest 10 cases in your city, if no cases are yet reported.  But you can use whatever number you like.  This number of infected people doubles every ~3 days as the infection spreads. So literally take your number, and multiply by 2. Then do it again. Then do it again. Then do it again. Do this multiplication exercise 10 times in total. 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x (the number of estimated infections in your city today (not just the reported cases)).   This result is the estimate for the actual cases in your area 30 days from now.  The math will take 30 seconds to complete with a calculator and it’s worth doing the math to see how it grows.  This end number is the number of cases in your city 30 days from today if a large percentage of the population do not practice social distancing.   2 to the 10th power is 1024.  When something doubles 10 times, it's the same as multiplying by 1024.  The infection rate of the virus doubles every 3 days.  In thirty days there will be 1,024 times the number of infected people in your area as there is today if your community does not immediately put social distancing into practice.  One thousand and twenty four times as many infected people as there is today, in just 30 days.   Next, divide the final number (the scary big one) you just calculated by the current population of your city and you will be able to get the percentage of people THAT YOU KNOW PERSONALLY who will be infected 30 days from now.   Next take 15% (multiply by 0.15) of that final 30 day number of total infected people (the number you calculated by multiplying by 2 ten times). This will provide an estimate of the serious cases which will require hospitalization, and compare it to the number of beds and ventilators available at your local hospital.  Google the "number of beds" and the name of your local hospital now.  It takes 2 seconds and the number of beds is easy to find.  65% of beds are already occupied by patients unrelated to the coronavirus.  St Charles in Bend, Oregon where I live, has 226 beds and the town is roughly 100,000 people.  Most hospitals have on average, 40 or fewer ventilators.  5% of patients require ICU treatment.  There are very few ICU beds compared to regular beds in hospitals.  There are very few negative pressure areas in any hospital to deal with the containment of airborne diseases.   These numbers you just calculated are the Big Problem:  Too many patients, not enough beds, and a serious shortage of ventilators (the biggest problem) if we don't immediately begin social distancing.  More on this biggest problem related to the insufficient quantity of ventilators is below. COUNTRIES THAT GET OVERWHELMED WILL HAVE A MUCH GREATER MORTALITY RATE BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE ABLE TO ADEQUATELY CARE FOR THE SICK.   And by sick I mean not just coronavirus patients.  Your son or daughter that needs acute care surgery this May for his badly broken leg will be attended to by an orthopedic doctor that has been working at maximum capacity and working 18 hour shifts for 7 days every week for 6 weeks because it was required to care for all the coronavirus patients at her hospital.  Or the orthopedic surgeon will be sick with the virus and your son or daughter will be operated on in a tent in the hospital parking lot by a non-expert or a member of the National Guard.  Your elderly Mom that has diabetes and goes into acute distress next month may not receive ANY medical care because the doctors are consumed and have to prioritize patients based on triage guidelines based on success rate probabilities.  Your sibling’s family that are all injured in a terrible car crash in June will have diminished care.  If one of them needs a ventilator there will be none available because all of them will be in use by critical coronavirus patients.  Your young friend with cancer and a compromised immune system from treatment will succumb even though the cancer was curable and the treatment was working, because their body was too fragile to combat the coronavirus due to the chemotherapy and they couldn't receive the customized, acute care required due to the hospital being overwhelmed.  All of the above is currently happening in Italy, who had the same number of infections we have today just 2 weeks ago.  You must start social distancing today. The count of actual virus infections doubles every ~3 days. The news and government agencies are lagging in their response. So we hear that the US only has 1573 cases today (3/12/20) [update as of 3/15/20:  3115 confirmed cases), ( see https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/) and it doesn't seem like a lot.  It would be better to report the estimated actual cases, since reported cases don’t tell us much.  However, we know from China that the actual number of cases are at least an order of magnitude greater than the reported cases, because people get infected and do not display symptoms.  In math, an "order of magnitude" means ten times difference, or put another way, a factor of 10.  100 is 10 times greater than 10, so it's an order of magnitude greater.   Harvard Medical School / Massachusetts General Hospital just released their estimate (recording is here:   https://externalmediasite.partners.org/Mediasite/Play/53a4003de5ab4b4da5902f078744435a1d) that the actual cases are 50x greater than the reported cases.  So we likely have 75,000 cases in the United States already.  The number of reported cases is not that important. But let’s assume the current number of cases is only 10,000 ACTUAL cases in the United States just to be conservative and model out what will happen: If we don’t stop the virus from spreading, in 30 days we will have 2 to the 10th power more cases of infected people because the infection count doubles every 3 days (the virus doubles every 3 days and there are 10, 3 day periods in 30 days).   The math: 2 to the 10th power means 1,024 times as many cases as we have today (2 times 2 repeated 10 times).   This number is a catastrophically big problem for all of us:  We will have 10 million+ actual cases (10,000 actual cases today x 1,024) in the United States in just 30 days’ time if we continue without extreme social distancing.  10 million people with the virus.  And it will keep doubling every 3 days unless we practice social distancing. 15% of cases require significant medical attention, which means that 1.5 million people will require significant medical attention if 10 million people get infected (15% of 10 Million total infections = 1.5 million people requiring hospitalization).   1.5 million hospitalizations is way more than we have beds for at hospitals in the United States.  And 65% of all beds are already occupied in our hospitals.  But many patients (5%) with the virus need ICU beds, not just any old hospital bed.  Only about 10% of hospital beds are considered intensive care beds.  So we will have a huge bed shortage, but that is not the biggest problem, as we can erect temporary ICU shelters and bring in more temporary beds, as Italy has already done, and California and Washington hospitals have already done.   Evergreen Hospital in Seattle has already erected temporary triage tents in the parking lot as of 3/13/20.  All regular beds are full at Evergreen Hospital as of yesterday. Once the government of China, Norway, and Italy came to understand this math, they reacted accordingly and shut EVERYTHING down.  [update as of 3/15/20 now France has done the same lockdown]. Extreme social distancing is the only response available to stop the virus today.  The United States is not responding well nor are other countries like  the UK.  Countries that do not respond well will pay a much larger, catastrophic price. But hospital beds are not the big problem.  The lack of ventilators is the big problem.  Most estimates peg the ventilators in the United States at roughly 100,000 to 150,000 units.  See the study from last month: http://www.centerforhealthsecurity.org/resources/COVID-19/200214-VentilatorAvailability-factsheet.pdf The primary and most serious comorbid (comorbid is a medical term that means co-existing or happening at the same time) condition brought on by the Coronavirus is something called bilateral interstitial pneumonia which requires ventilators for treatment of seriously ill patients.  So if 1.5M people of the 10 million infected 30 days from now require hospital care (15% of the 10M estimated total infections), 1.3M may not get the care that they need because we don’t have enough ventilators, beds, and ICU beds in the United States.  And remember, this is only if ALL OF US EFFECTIVELY start social distancing by April 11th (30 days from today).  This increases the mortality rate significantly. BUT IF WE START EXTREME SOCIAL DISTANCING BY MARCH 23 (12 days from original writing), WE AVOID OVER 1.4 MILLION PEOPLE GETTING CRITICALLY ILL AND OVERWHELMING THE HOSPITALS: If everyone takes extreme measures to social distance, and the United States can dramatically reduce the spread of the virus 12 days from now, the math is very different, as the exponential growth will only be 2 to the 4th power (12 days divided by the doubling rate of every 3 days equals the exponent of 4): 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 = 16 So instead of 10 Million cases in the United States if we wait 30 days, if we act 18 days sooner, we will have only 160,000 cases (16 times the estimated 10,000 actual cases as of today), of which 15% are likely to require hospitalization.  This is 24,000 critical patients (a huge difference compared to 1.5 million acute patients).   The difference between taking extreme measures now, versus waiting even a few days, is very large due to how exponents work in math. THE OUTCOME IS EVEN BETTER IF WE TAKE ACTION IN THE NEXT 6 DAYS:  If the vast majority of the population self isolates and implements social distancing in only 6 days from now the exponential math is 2 to the 2nd power (6 days divided by the 3 days it takes the virus to double means the exponent is only 2).  In math this is "two squared". 2 x 2 = 4   Multiplied by the estimated 10,000 ACTUAL cases as of today (3/12/20) that means only 40,000 total cases will develop, 15% of which may be critical which is 6,000 critical patients. This is why you should share this post broadly.  If people begin social distancing in the next 6 days it will greatly reduce the impact on all of us.  It's why they say a "post goes viral". SOCIAL DISTANCING WILL REDUCE THE FINANCIAL IMPACT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY: Finally, the longer everyone waits to practice significant social distancing the greater the economic hardship will be on all of us.  Lost jobs.  Mortgage defaults.  Closed businesses.  Bankruptcies.   All will be minimized if you start social distancing today. Some of the reasons the economic impacts will be reduced are worth mentioning:  If we stop the virus now the overall duration of the outbreak will be far shorter.  The stock market will normalize more quickly and recover more quickly.  Businesses and people will be able to survive a shorter duration outbreak vs a longer duration outbreak.   More companies will avoid bankruptcy if we begin to practice social distancing now. This is a big financial reason to begin social distancing if you are employed by any company:  if companies see that the virus is being slowed, they will be less likely to conduct layoffs.  You will be more likely to be laid off or experience a job-related event if we don’t practice social distancing immediately.  As an HR executive, I’ve been involved in many, many layoffs.  It’s the last thing companies want to do.  But if they see that the pandemic will be shorter lived vs long and drawn out, they are less likely to make the permanent decision of laying off staff. The overall economic impact that hits your bank account will be greater if you wait or you don’t practice social distancing.   This is why Norway acted now, because it’s less economic impact to take drastic measures early than to do them later, and it saves a lot of lives and suffering by doing so.  And Norway has only one confirmed death as of this writing.   Many people have suggested they want to support local restaurants and other businesses, who have seen sales drop by 50-90%.  Stopping by and visiting them won't save them.  What will save them is social distancing and what you do after the pandemic is over.  If you are concerned, call them and buy a gift certificate over the phone. START TODAY.  I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.  YOU MUST START TODAY.   Finally, the article that I posted yesterday written by Tomas Pueyo has been read 30M times in the last few days and has been updated with new information.  It’s worth reading again. Here’s that link.   https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-act-today-or-people-will-die-f4d3d9cd99ca Other up to date data I frequently consult regarding the pandemic is here: https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ I hope this is helpful and useful.  My brain focuses on the math and I try and be fact based in my analysis and interpretation of how I should respond. THERE IS MORE INFORMATION IN THE COMMENTS BELOW WORTH READING AND I WILL BE UPDATING THIS POST, AND THE COMMENTS, WITH MORE INFORMATION, (AS OPPOSED TO CREATING NEW POSTS). MY FINAL PARTING THOUGHT:  Please share or forward this post at your discretion.   If everyone shares this post and two of your friends share this post and so on, we use the power of exponential math to work in our favor, which seems appropriate given the virus is using that same exponential math against us.   HOW YOU CAN REALLY HELP:  If you know people who have large numbers of followers, or people in the media, please leverage your personal relationship with them and ask them to amplify this post by sharing it or the Medium Post (link below)   For people not on Facebook you can email or text the link.   It would be useful to get the post on Twitter and LinkedIn by sharing the Medium post.  If you know people in government this fact-based post may help inform them to make the best decisions.   It's time for us humans to go on the offensive against the virus.  We must fight back.   There is only one way to do so:  Social Distancing.   Do it today. NOTE:  Anyone, including the media, is free to use this post, any related content, in all or in part, for any purpose, in any format, with no attribution required. Please direct message me if you have other ideas for how to raise awareness. Finally, I can no longer keep up with friend requests given how much this post has been shared.  To receive updates or follow me, please use the "Follow" button on Facebook.   3/16/20:  I am preparing a second post, now that 4 days have gone by since the first post. To receive it please follow me on FB.  I can not keep up with the friend requests. https://medium.com/@Jason_Scott_Warner/the-sober-math-everyone-must-understand-about-the-pandemic-2b0145881993 https://www.facebook.com/jason.scott.warner/posts/10163742243430144

[galaxy-whiskers]

I was tagged by @bailandonorris, thanks!

1. what is the colour of your hair brush? 

I have a silver paddle brush which I don’t use very often, a transparent and purple swirly coloured (honestly don’t know how else to describe) afro comb, and a regular black comb.

2. name of a food you never eat? 

Tuna, can’t stand it. To be honest, I eat most things if they’re warm, but VERY fussy when it comes to cold food

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? 

Definitely too hot! I still have a fan on in the winter at night time

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? 

Playing Animal Crossing, tried to catch some tarantulas because Flick is on my island but the dodos don’t seem to want to send me to any decent islands so my mission was unsuccessful

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

That’s a hard one... probably either Cadbury’s marvelous creations with the jelly beans and popping candy, darkmilk, or the one with oreos. Snickers are pretty great too, also Kinder Bueno and just Kinder chocolate in general. Basically, what I’m saying is I love chocolate

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? 

Yes, I went to the London 2012 Olympics to watch show jumping, football and basketball! Have probably been to others? Really want to go to Wimbledon at some point but not sure when I’ll be able to do that. Does dog agility count as sport? Seen it at Crufts multiple times

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? 

‘Night night curly shoes’ - a goodnight wish for my sweet doggo Ivy

8. what is your favourite ice cream? 

I’m a fan of coconut ice cream it has to be said, also honeycomb, and your standard Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough is high up there. Really specifically, the vanilla ice cream from the waffle shop in Cirencester. To be honest, don’t eat much ice cream, not my go-to food choice because I’m lactose intolerant and a lot of it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Has to be good!

9. what is the last thing you had to drink? 

Some water, absolute health right here (she says drinking her first glass of water all day after about 4 cans of Pepsi Max whoops)

10. do you like your wallet? 

I guess so, yes. Could probably do with a slightly more efficient one but it’s decent

11. what was the last thing you ate? 

A jazz apple from the fridge. We have no pink ladies which are the favourites but jazz are pretty tasty too

12. did you buy any new clothes last week? 

No, only virtual ones in Animal Crossing. I haven’t been clothes shopping in so long and doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon

13. last sporting event you watched? 

Honestly no idea, since all the sport has been cancelled for a while I can’t think what the last thing would have been. Probably Cheltenham races on the telly back in February or March or whenever it was?

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn? 

The classic, salty cinema popcorn. Honestly the best

15. who was the last person you sent a message to? 

Strangely, someone from my secondary school who I haven’t ever spoken to over message before. She posted our leavers video on her Instagram and thought I’d message since I’d been looking for that video for  y e a r s  and sparked a conversation! She never liked me much back in school I don’t think, she was popular and I really wasn’t so I never properly spoke to her. One of my friends had a bit of drama with her, absolutely hated her, but they eventually became best pals. Also her best pal during most of school really didn’t like me for some reason... anyway, had a nice chat, strange how friendly she seems these days

16. ever go camping?

Uhh well... I’ve been 4 times, 2 of which were for D of E and I can safely say I’ve never had a good experience. First time, the people in the tent next to us got arrested at 3AM for drugs or something, second time was my dad’s 40th birthday and my brother didn’t know he was allergic to nuts so eating a cake with mixed nuts on the top didn’t go down well for him... also went to a restaurant on the way there with my granny and got a caterpillar in my salad. Third and fourth times, let’s just say D of E was one of the worst experiences of my life, I’ll leave it at that... would really like to go camping again though to have a good experience, maybe change my mind on it? I don’t know, willing to give it a try

17. do you take vitamins? 

I go through phases, sometimes I take them every day, other times I don’t take them for like 3 months

18. do you go to church every sunday? 

I used to, but as I got older I slowly went less and less until I didn’t go at all. I lost faith I guess? Kind of didn’t feel I belonged there or believed anymore. I loved singing the hymns and our vicar was an absolute lad, we also got biscuits at the end of each service, but over time I decided it wasn’t right for me to keep going. Pretty much all the people that go to ours are your typical white, posh, probably homophobic and hate children type so that put me off. Also after everything that’s happened in mine and other’s lives, I slowly lost the belief in God. If all of it was true, why would these things happen? I guess also my scientific mind was constantly telling me there’s no proof. I think the only reason I went to begin with was because it was a family thing and as a child I believed pretty much everything that was said

19. do you have a tan? 

No, certainly not... used to when I lived in the Caribbean but now I’m pretty much white as a sheet

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza? 

A very difficult one... probably chinese? As much as I love pizza, it’s the same issue as the ice cream

21. do you drink soda with a straw? 

Nah not a fan of straws, they taste weird

22. what colour socks do you wear? 

ALL THE COLOURS! I own a pair of socks for every outfit to colour co-ordinate, my sock draw is overflowing

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? 

Strangely, I drive under by quite a bit when no one else is around. It’s the other cars that stress me out and make me go too fast. Also I have a black box so not allowed

24. what terrifies you? 

Good question, lots of things... the sea, pools, tbh water in general, heights, rejection, the current impending doom, large open spaces with no walls I can be against, losing everyone I love, the fact that anyone might be secretly talking about me behind my back because they actually hate me, the list goes on but I won’t continue it

25. look to your left what do you see? 

An empty Pepsi Max can, a glass of water, some crocodile scissors, my Switch, a cranberry scented candle, and some tiny balls of wool

26. what chore do you hate? 

Got to be changing my bed, or washing up when the things have got cold food left on them

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? 

A throwback to year 8

28. what’s your favourite soda?

Pepsi Max

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru? 

It depends who I’m with

30. who was the last person you talked to? 

My mum about a meteor shower and satellites

31. favourite cut of beef? 

A random question... I do like a good rump steak

32. last song you listened to? 

You Make My Dreams by Hall and Oates because I’m using it in my animation project

33. last book you read? 

I’m like part way through Good Omens and have been for quite some time... I have learning difficulties and find reading a lot of effort so don’t read very often

34. can you say the alphabet backwards? 

No, it’s the kind of thing I’d have expected myself to learn at some point but never did

35. how do you like your coffee? 

I don’t like coffee so in the bin

36. favourite pair of shoes? 

My multicoloured Vans, got them in the second week of uni and I’ve loved them ever since

37. the time you normally go to bed? 

Well, currently it’s around 1AM to go to bed, 3AM to sleep. Used to be around 12/1AM sleep but the lockdown has ruined that

38. the time you normally wake up? 

Again, currently it’s around 11:30AM to wake up then 12PM to do things but used to be around 9:30/10AM. To be honest I still sometimes wake up then but I go back to sleep again because I have no reason to exist more than I need

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets? 

Sunrise is always nice to watch, but I don’t like getting up early so definitely sunset, especially when you’re at a restaurant or sitting outside somewhere in the countryside

40. how many blankets are on your bed? 

Just the one duvet, but I have a soft fish patterned blanket for when I want something to cuddle with

41. describe your kitchen plates? 

We have some plain white ones and some that are white with leaves around the edges. The edges have a ridged pattern and the rims are gold

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I don’t drink so no

43. do you play cards? 

Yes, love a good card game! 

44. what colour is your car? 

It’s very nice Caribbean sea blue. Used to be my mum’s car, it’s her favourite colour

45. can you change a tire? 

I probably could if I had to but can’t say I’ve done it before

46. your favourite province? 

I guess that’s counties? Hometown of Gloucestershire is up there, also a fan of Devon. My favourites may have to be Caenarfonshire and Anglesey though after the road trip last year

47. favourite job you’ve had?

Not sure really, I guess it would have to be doing my art commissions

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

The biggest scar I have these days is on my right knuckle between my index and middle finger, it’s very small. I got it from when I was holding a horse still before untacking and he decided that hay was more exciting, caught my hand on a splintered wooden fence and that was that

49. what did you do today that made someone happy? 

Nothing, I’ve only seen my family and even then it was for a short time. Don’t think I make anyone happy these days ahah

It’s now 3:22AM, that took longer than I expected. ‘I’ll go to sleep early today’ I said but I say that every day. Don’t know why I keep lying to myself. 

Anyway, I guess I have to tag someone now, so I tag @duckingpunches !

[subharryempire]

Hello! We hope you enjoy this omega Harry fic rec that includes over 70+ fics. Please remember to give authors comments and kudos for their amazing work. Happy reading!

1. When The Wolves Come Out by [ rosemarianthyme ] (1k)

It didn’t matter that Louis would never once pop a knot or that Harry’s slick was always artificial. When Harry was whining desperately against his neck and Louis was growling low in his chest he could only grab Harry’s hips and pant out 'Omega.'

2. Drape Me In Your Warmth by [ fookinglousers ] (2k)

TMH era fic where Harry is an omega whose heat comes a little earlier than expected and really, who is Louis to deny him his knot?

3. The Nearness of You by [ theweightofmywords ] (2k)

Harry and Louis' baby is due any moment. Harry just wants pretty toenails, and Louis just wants to help.

4. freaks from the internet by [ jaerie ] (2k)

Harry sells his breast milk to freaks on the internet. Louis turns out to be one of those freaks. He also happens to be Harry's ex.

5. 'Cause Your Embrace Keeps Me Warmer by [ scribblewrite ] (3k)

Louis and Harry meet for the first time and, being soulmates, Louis's rut and Harry's heat are triggered. 

6. 5 Golden Rules by [ @iflovewereall ] (4k)

Harry thinks surely he hasn't got a chance with Louis, after all he's a gorgeous Alpha and royalty to boot. His salvation comes in the form of an antiquated guide to courtship.

7. taste on my tongue (just can't get enough of you) by [ messyjessy08 ] (4k)

Harry and Louis just had a baby and it's been a while since they've had sex.

8. Willow City by [ blahthelarry ] (4k)

Harry's got a secret. A secret so big that it could end his career before it even starts.

(Or the fic where Harry is an Omega, Louis isn't an Alpha, and Niall just wants someone to fuck.)

9. The World will Open its Arms by [ @lululawrence ] (4k)

Harry scrubbed at the countertop. It wasn’t even dirty, but it was three in the morning and the girl who was supposed to relieve him over an hour ago never showed. He was now on hour ten of his shift and his feet hurt and his back ached and he was trying not to cry, thanks to more fucking judgmental alpha truckers who could smell it on him.

Of course they could. He practically lived at the diner. The entire place reeked of it.

Unbonded pregnant omega.

10. I'd Go Out of My Way To Make Sure That You're Okay by [ littlepinkbow ] (4k)

Harry's embarrassed about going into heat, but Louis decides it's up to him to teach Harry to be more open about what he wants.

11. turn the sky black into a sky blue by [ thispieceofmind ] (5k)

Harry forgets that noses exist. Louis is a badass motherfucker. They bang.

12. Give Me What I'm Begging For by [ @sugarbabyomega ] (5k)

Omega Harry is a professor at a uni. Louis is his alpha mate, whose rut is coming up soon, so Harry has to take a week off from school to be with Louis. He tells his students it's a vacation but they all can tell the truth and tease him about it. Then Louis' rut comes and they both spend a week at home to fuck it out.

13.  Baby, Sweat is Guaranteed by [  sailingships ]  (5k)

Alternatively the one where Harry forgets a few doses of his suppressants and, consequently, goes into an unexpected heat at the Eagles concert whilst fulfilling publicity duties with Kendall Jenner. An entire afternoon of sex ensues and Harry just wants Louis to stay.

14. Too Hot (Hot Damn) by [ louissass ] (5k)

“I’m what?”

“You’re in heat, baby,” He repeats, frowning when he catches the look on Harry’s face. “I thought you realised?”

Or, the one where Harry goes into heat in the middle of a concert but doesn't realise because of the heatwave.

15. From Homeless To Being Loved by [ leonietjeeeee ](5k)

Harry is put on the streets after his parents found out he was an Omega. After years of being on the streets, so broken he wishes that death would come sooner, he meets boyband One Direction. And one member may turn out to be a little more than just a hero to Harry...

16. All these Lights, They can't Blind me by [ harlequinnharry ] (5k)

Harry's a singer song writer omega who doesn't want to mate. It's not until his new Manager Louis Tomlinson, that he reconsiders.

17. A Tentative Peace by [ colourexplosion ] (5k)

“I dunno.” Harry’s not whining, he’s not. He pulls himself free, finally, turns away and busies himself again with the dishes. “I didn’t want it to be weird.”

“It’s not weird,” Louis says, appearing in Harry’s periphery when he leans against the sink. “Biology, innit? You know I’m always here for you.”

It stings. Louis won’t sit and have a conversation with Harry, but sure, he’ll fuck him through a heat like it’s nothing. “It’s a little more than biology,” he mumbles, but Louis either doesn’t hear him (not likely) or flat out ignores him (very likely).

18. Peace So Sweet by [ @shyshyserious ] (5k)

Louis is visiting another pack. On his quest to find the guest room he finds a nesting omega instead.

19. Just Wanna Taste It by [ rosemarianthyme ] (5k)

“It gets you hot, doesn’t it Darling?” Louis asked and Harry whimpered softly. “You like imagining that I’m your alpha?” “Yeah,” Harry nodded, feeling as if he could cry. “You wanna be my omega, Baby?” Harry nodded again. His eyes were prickling with overwhelmed tears. “Want it,” he said, voice thick.

Harry loved being Louis’ baby, his good boy, but sometimes he wanted more. He wanted to be his omega.

A prequel to When The Wolves Come Out

20. your body's telling me don't let go  by [ @thepriestthinksitsthedevil ] (5k)

Louis gets off early from work on his birthday and surprises Harry with dinner and wine. Harry is pleasantly surprised, and even happier with it when he and Louis get up to some amorous activities.

21. How Much My Heart Depends by [ @lululawrence ] (6k)

Louis is an alpha working as a fraud analyst who keeps having Bad Days. Harry is an omega working in Quality Support who shares a cubicle wall with Louis and only wants to help. Maybe this is the perfect chance for them to finally meet face to face.

22. Zero Means Nothing When I'm With You by [ WhiteClifford ] (6k)

Louis doesn't know what he's looking for until he finds it.

Harry just knows he may defy his gender norms, with his height and clumsiness, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want litters of pups running around while he does domestic things all day long.

In other words, boy meets boy and no one can stop pining.

23. Boys Fall Like Dominoes (6k)

Harry slips into an early heat while riding the tube. Naturally, that's when he meets Louis. 

24. to wrap me in paper by [ @juliusschmidt ] (6k)

Louis hasn't been keeping track of his ruts, but, it turns out, Harry has.

25. Between the Shadow and the Soul (6k)

Harry and Louis spend a month apart.

26. I heard this life is overrated, But I hope that it gets better as we go by [ louisnuggets ] (7k) 

"Harry this is not something we're going to argue about. I decided to do it. It's a sure thing." Harry remembered his words. The sure look in Louis eyes, the way he balled his fists, the way he talked. His Alpha voice coming through. Everything. How could he ever forget? It was one of the worst days of his life. After Harry's heat, which included five days of a lot of orgasms and even more cum, Louis and Harry had been laying in bed. Louis' knot slowly loosening in Harry. Harry's back against Louis' chest. Harry was sated and happy until Louis threw the bomb. "Baby I have to leave again. Longer this time. I know you don't like this but this is really important for my career." Some may think, what's so horrible about that? But Harry knew what that meant. It meant Louis would leave. 

27. Put It Into Words (7k)

“It’s a good storm though, our families,” Louis says, flopping down on to the bed and cuddling close to Harry. He tucks his arm around Harry’s waist, kissing his temple. “The Cheshire house is perfect to raise the baby; your mum’s close, and my mum can stay in the guest bedroom when she visits.”

“And until then we have the long weekend to ourselves.”

Or, Harry and Louis go on a babymoon.

28. Looking In The Dark (7k)

This carries on from the same verse of Boys Fall Like Dominoes.

29. This Thing Upon Me (howls like a beast) by [ @sadaveniren ] (8k)

Harry and Louis weren’t meant to be together. They’d met when they were put together through their university’s AO MatchUp, a program that set up alphas and omegas based on the schedules of their ruts and heats so they had someone to help them through it. It was pure luck that they were put together.

30. drunk on rose water by [ brainwaves ] (9k)

It’s the first time in a few years that Harry has a strong desire to risk everything for something he loves.

The last time, it was being a fashion model. This time, it’s Louis.

31. Even Your Honey Dew by [ @horsegirlharry ] (9k)

It probably says something about Harry that he’s so obsessed with another omega’s arse.

32. And I Will Steady Your Hand by [ kiwikero ](9k)

All first year university students who had not yet presented were strongly advised to join the Fire Away meetings, a support group for so-called 'late bloomers.'

They were not, however, advised to fall in love with someone else at the meetings without knowing what they might eventually present as.

33. You Know I'll Be by [ JustAnotherShadow503 ](9k)

Louis Tomlinson, 27, is the personal photographer for well-known model Harry Styles, 21. Louis, an Alpha, has been in love with Harry for years, though the younger man has seemingly not presented yet.

Or, the one where Louis is in love with Harry, tries to be a martyr at his own expense, and is a hopeless romantic.

34. Just Jump by [ jaerie ] (9k)

Finally, after years of suffering alone, the insurance plan at Harry's new job covered omega heat services. As a grown omega adult, it finally felt like the right time to try it out. And, since taking an entire week of heat leave would really put him behind at work, using a service to shorten it seemed like a responsible decision. At least that’s how he rationalized it. He was nervous about his decision but it was too late. The doorbell rang.

“Hi!” The alpha said again and Harry took the hand he offered and shook it firmly. “I’m Louis from Omega Services. It’s nice to meet you.”

35. with his educated eyes (and his head between my thighs) (9k)

"We're...we're not the same," Harry says softly, looking at his hands. "I don't care," Louis replies back, fire and fury in his eyes.

or where Harry is just a little boy in a world full of arseholes, Louis is in way over his head, and destiny is a bunch of shit.

36. All I Needed by [  FallingLikeThis ] (9k)

Harry is the omega captain of the Slytherin quidditch team with a team that won't listen to him. Louis is the alpha captain of the Gryffindor team who doesn't know how to offer help without seeming like a knothead, pushing his opinions on Harry. When he comes up with a rather questionable plan to try and get Harry to ask him for help, they may just both get what they need.

37. you took your toll on me (you got a hold on me) by [ messyjessy08 ] (9k)

Harry and Louis have the weekend to themselves, they make the most of it.

38. I Just Want You to Stay by [ SadaVeniren ] (34k)

“Remember the vet job up in Edinburgh I interviewed for right before your rut?” Louis nodded. “She just called me back. I got the job. I start next year.” Harry let out a shriek as he said the word year and he clapped his hands in delight. “Isn’t that great! Full time vet job! New animals to meet! A new environment!” He settled his eyes back on Louis, who was still standing there in front of him with wide eyes. “Isn’t it great, Lou?”

That seemed to jolt Louis out of his thoughts and he nodded immediately, opening his arms up for Harry to dive into. “Holy shit, yes. Congratulations. Come here,” he wrapped his arms around Harry and cuddled him close, pressing his nose into Harry’s neck. “Holy shit,” he whispered.

aka Louis and Harry have been roommates for four years, comfortable in their routine and their relationship. But all of that is about to change.

39. I Can't Hear You by [ @flamboyantommo ] (9k)

"I’m not supposed to be built this way!" Harry said. "I’m supposed to be shorter than you, and you’re supposed to be stronger than me and-“ “Harry!” Louis tried to interrupt. “And what if I’m not supposed to be an omega? What if my body screwed up somewhere or something? What if I’m not supposed to be your omega?” --- Or, the one where Harry is self-conscious about his body because it's not the 'typical omega body' and Louis shows him why he loves that.

40. Dear Blue by [ TheIfInLife ] (9k)

Harry wasn’t sure what he was expecting to be on the living room table but a stack of papers definitely wasn’t it.

The paper on top was a plain piece of notebook paper, Louis’ scrawl all over it.

41. A Firm Believer and a Warm Receiver by [ @horsegirlharry ] (10k)

a few months ago, Louis had his first heat. It was no big deal, aside from it being awkward and weird and all the other things it was supposed to be. He figured he would present as an omega, so he wasn’t exactly surprised or anything.

But then, last week, Harry had his first heat, too.

42. resolutions and lovers in the kitchen (10k)

harry teaches little kids and louis writes sports articles. they're trying for a baby.

43. Everything I Do (I Do It For You) by [ @harrysspookyshorts ] (10k)

"It's gonna be perfect," Harry whispers, taking Louis' face in both of his hands, nosing close but not yet kissing him. "Always is. You always make everything perfect."

"Good. Whenever your heat finally kicks in, I'll make sure to treat you perfectly too... I'm gonna bond you so hard."

or, Harry's heat is coming up and they've planned to finally bond, so Louis decides to plan a very eventful and loving week leading to said bonding.

44. through the wire by [ @a-writerwrites ] (10k)

“Mate. He’s like. I don’t know how to describe it.” Liam’s voice was on edge, a tremble in it that indicated he was either very nervous or extremely excited; unsure of what to do next. It was probably both.

All Harry could think about was LouisLouisLouis. He needed him so badly his body ached with it. His skin was crawling and his entire body felt explosive, ready to ignite at the slightest touch.

“Ok. Li? This is what you are going to do…” Louis took a deep breath, the intake of air audible through the wire, as he prepared to guide Liam through what was probably going to be the strangest most erotic, and possibly most awkward experience of his life.

45. Make It Work by [ fanshae ] (10k)

Arranged marriage AU. Harry is an omega who has reached the age where he must be married due to his family's income status. Only the aristocratic omegas are exempt. His parents try to hide him but eventually the government gets word and in punishment, gives the omega to a spoiled aristocrat son of a lord, Louis. Louis is more than thrilled to have his own omega and once Harry goes into heat, he explores the boy with fascination and unintentionally impregnates him. This leads to a boy used to living carefree and drinking the day away with other nobles to having to face fatherhood.

46. Our Lips Are Made Of Candy by [ Waking_dreams ] (10k)

“Your knot, please, Louis,” he managed to whine. He needed it, that extra stretch and burn that made him Louis’.

“Fuck,” Louis moaned, and his thrusts became unsteady. “Can’t do it here, baby, Hazza, can’t—“

Or, Harry accidentally missed a few doses of his medicine that controls his heat and starts his heat in the middle of Biology. Oops

47. The Bond That Can't Be Broken by [ louisgrindsonharry ] (10k)

Louis’ an alpha and Harry’s an omega. They never really stood a chance.

48. i'll be hurt from the heat (running from the heat) by [ itiswhatitisbutterfly ] (11k)

It's engrained into him, nothing else matters, protecting Harry at all costs is what pumps his heart and floods his veins. It’s just, he didn't count on the one thing Harry would need protecting from would be himself.

(Harry and Louis are in love, and they are probably soul mates. They just can’t be bond mates because despite the undeniable pull, it's them against the world.)

49. Fill My Heart With Sweetness by [ harryisquirkeh ] (11k)

Harry's a late bloomer, but since his luck is shit, it's no surprise that he'd be the last to get a heat, but the first to get pregnant. In high school.

50. I’ve Always Liked the Fireworks by [ @becomeawendybird ] (12k)

When alphas and omegas reach the age of twenty-one they are required to attend a Proving Day ceremony. Omegas watch as alphas do their best to compete in events, show off their skills, and prove how good a mate they can really be. The whole thing is a bit ridiculous, but Louis Tomlinson has always dreamed of finding his mate. He's got two unsuccessful Sheffield Proving Days under his belt and decides to go for the much more competitive one in Manchester. His goal is to play his best, leave it all out on the pitch, and hope that one of the omegas watching just happens to be his mate.

51. Come In and Change My Life by [ lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes) ] (12k)

He’d had the same neighbours since he’d moved into the building, a lovely, wealthy couple in their late sixties who had always invited him around for tea on Sundays. Martha had dropped off homemade biscuits the day he’d moved in, so Harry figured he may as well repeat the sentiment. He could hear someone getting closer to the door just as a flush ran through his body; oh fuck. His heat was close, too close to be knocking on a potentially unknown alpha’s door, but it was too late. The door swung open, and Harry’s mouth dropped. He’d never been overly interested in football, couldn’t find the fascination in watching men run around after a ball for hours aside from their uniforms, but he knew who this was. Louis Tomlinson, alpha, captain of Manchester United, star in a number of Harry’s heat addled fantasies, was his new next-door neighbour.

Or, Harry and Louis become friends when Harry looks after Louis' cat during away games, until one night at a party changes everything between them. It's just a shame Louis' going to be away for the FIFA World Cup for three months.

52. come on over, we've got something to share by [ jaerie ] (12k)

Even as an unbonded omega with a four year old, Harry had everything he needed. His beautiful son, a nice apartment, money to pay the bills -- oh, and an alpha next door always willing to knot his brains out.

53. Bentley Station, Now Arriving by @londonfoginacup (13k)

Harry Styles, omega. Owns a bakery on a train station in the middle of nowhere.

Niall Horan, meddling friend who wont leave him or his love life alone.

(lack of love life).

There's a ball coming up, and Harry is going to attend. Niall will make certain of that.

54. Christmas, Baby by [ nikogda ] (13k)

His life was going exactly how he’d wanted it. Exactly how he’d planned it. According to his life plan, he would be adopting a puppy in the next year.

Except one little detail. Harry was holding a positive pregnancy test. He was going to have a baby. He blinked a few times He, Harry Styles - husband and omega to Louis Tomlinson - would be carrying a human inside of him.

“How?” Harry asked himself as he shook the plastic stick a few times as if the results would magically turn negative. Or, The one where the exact thing that Harry thinks is derailing his life plan might be exactly what he needs.

55. Next To You by [ @homeofsavannahblue ] (14k)

When Harry Styles won the X-Factor he quickly became the latest pop sensation. When Louis runs into him at a party, he quickly realizes that Harry Styles is nothing like his reputation of womanizing alpha. Turns out, Harry Styles is an omega. And Louis' mate.

A story about love, support and being proud of who you are.

56. Restless Lane by [ lululawrence ] (14k)

Louis had grown used to his boring life back in Mississippi as a stand-in father figure to his siblings. He never expected his childhood friend to show up on his lawn with the heat of summer or that he would remind Louis how much of himself he'd tucked away and neglected. He also never expected to find himself caught up in a tangled web of feelings or secrets that just might break him. Maybe he had never known Harry at all.

57. Prince Harry and the Expert in Motorcycle Maintenance by [ @juliusschmidt ] (16k)

Louis puts the truck back into drive. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Where do you want me to take you?”

“To the Royal Palace.”

“The hospital psych ward, it is, then,” Louis says, though that’s a forty-five minute trip and a lecture on tardiness from his stepfather that, in the end, will definitely not be worth the trouble.

an abo cinderella au in which prince harry rides a motorcycle and louis, a simple mechanic, fixes it.

58. Stars Will Align For Us by [ @2tiedships2 ] (16k)

"The serial monogamist is single," Niall said by way of introduction when he sat down across from Harry in the canteen.

Harry sipped his chocolate milk. "What are you going on about?"

"Your alpha dream boat," Niall said. "That tiny little footie player? I heard from Hannah that he's broken it off with his boyfriend so he’s single and ready to flamingle. Now's the time to make your move."

Harry sipped his chocolate milk harder to keep himself from replying.

Or the one where Harry is an omega at a loss of how to get past his pining and gain the attention of Louis...especially considering the alpha is always in a relationship.

59. and the truth shall set you free (...maybe) by [  jaerie ] (17k)

Betism: A religion based on the belief that the beta gender has been chosen by God to protect and defend the purity and dignity of the human race by resisting and condemning the lustful ways and flawed biology of the alpha and omega

Harry is a Betist and Louis is an alpha who runs with a bad crowd. This is what happens when two worlds collide.

60. I Want You S'more by [ 2tiedships2 ] (17k)

“I think Harry’s like a wanna-be alpha,” Louis stated as he handed over Niall’s nachos.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I mean, as the alpha in this, um, possible platonic friendship, I’m supposed to be the one initiating any flirting. In a platonic way. I’m supposed to be the one taking care of the omega and sending off calming pheromones.”

“For argument’s sake, are you living in the eighteenth century? Maybe even nineteenth century?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Mate, it’s the twenty-first century. Sure, most alphas insist on taking the lead and taking full control over their omega. Like, they’re always wanting to be the one to comfort and take care of the omega. Which is cool and all. But can’t it be the other way around? Or at least compromise?”

Louis shoved a couple nachos in his mouth to avoid responding.

Or the one where the least alpha-y alpha and the least omega-y omega show that secondary genders aren’t set in stone and sometimes it works when you kinda share that.

61. Love will tear us apart by [ notasawrap ] (20k)

"Look, alpha," the green-eyed man starts contemptuously. "I know you're upset and that this sucks, I fucking know.” Harry breathes deeply. "I'm trying to do my best because she hasn’t stopped asking about you since yesterday, but I cannot do much if with everything I say, you're gonna react like a psychopath or whatever. I don't know what you want, Louis!" He alleges frustrated. "And if you just stop acting impulsively -contain your instincts or whatever, we could solve this in a way that benefits all of us, but if you're not willing to do that, the best thing is going to be to forget you even know about this." Harry ends up, turning to leave, but is again stopped by the alpha, his grip much softer this time.

"I want to meet her." Louis recognizes, more calmly. His scent slightly softer than before. It momentarily catches Harry in a spiral, but he drives away the sensation and concentrates on looking at the alpha.

"I know." He says sincere. He had expected it. "So does she."

or Louis and Harry have a past and now it's time to face it.

62. solid as a stone (when everything is gone) by [ louisnights ] (20k)

“Why’d you take me with you?”

Louis startles at the question, the car almost swerving off the road in the process. He holds his breath as he waits for the twins to wake up and start wailing, but they don’t. They keep sleeping on peacefully, covered in the family blanket.

Harry’s looking at him with an unreadable expression.

Louis takes a minute, mulling it over. He answers quietly. “I hate to say it, but as much as we hate each other, I can’t bear to leave you alone to deal with this whole thing all by yourself.” and I wouldn’t be able to bear it if you died, he adds in his mind.

or, it's the zombie apocalypse and Louis is stuck with Harry, with whom he shares a complicated relationship with.

63. hard to confess by [ @hereforlou ] (24k)

One, they only did it without a condom once (and a half) and not during his heat. Never during his heat. Two, he never once forgot to take his birth control (he’s almost sure). Three, his plan is to be married for a year before he even starts trying for a baby, and not only is he very, very single, him and Louis aren’t even sleeping together anymore. Which brings him to reason number four why this can’t be happening: Louis. Louis doesn’t want a baby with Harry.

(Or, the one where Harry knows he messed up and Louis knows nothing.)

64. Stay Close, Hold Steady by [  jaerie ] (26k)

Found on the banks of the Mississippi as an toddler, Harry goes on a quest to find his biological family. Louis tries to be supportive, but maybe he just doesn't want to be left behind.

65. Let’s Embrace The Point Of No Return by [ sweaterpawstyles ] (33k)

Louis was a whole new scale of beautiful, he was richer than Harry could've ever imagined, and he was the most powerful, dominant alpha that Harry had ever come in contact with. The only problem now is that Louis is also Harry's boss.

Louis believed Harry was an alpha, and had no idea about how he had lied about his status just to get an interview with Louis. He was in too deep now and he couldn't look back.

Or

Harry is an omega intern at an all alpha company. Louis is his boss. There's some complications.

66. All These Lights by [  MediaWhore ] (34k)

“People vote for alphas because they’re strong and they’re not only beautiful but also mesmerizing. They make you want to give them all of your attention, make you want to beg for some of theirs back. They’re shiny, oozing sex appeal and a commanding presence, and people always want more and more. Omegas are enticing too for sure, but it’s not the same. It makes people uncomfortable. It doesn’t make them want to root for you.”

the canon fic where Harry is an omega and dreams come with a price.

67. I Sail With You by [ @afangirlfantasy ] (35k)

Against his wishes, Omega Prince Harry Styles is arranged to mate with someone he doesn’t love, much less knows. Though he pleaded to his parents incessantly, they not only refuse to comply but force him to depart on a ship days later. Harry prays for fate to step in, to change what’s to come, however, the answer he is given is not exactly in the form he had hoped.

Enter Will Tommo – deadliest pirate captain of all seven seas.

68. Watch the Sun Coming Up by [ @sadaveniren ] (36k)

As Louis approaches his thirtieth birthday his pack is desperate for him to find a mate.

Harry has always expected one day he may settle down with a nice alpha and they would continue to live in his small hometown.

Together they somehow will make this work.

69. I Think You're Already Home by [ jaerie ] (38k)

Seeing Louis Tomlinson today, it would be hard to guess that he was ever once a member of the world's most famous boyband. These days he doesn't even the leave his own house. The truth is he can't leave his own house. He can't even remember the last time just standing at an open door didn't send him into a debilitating panic attack. But, against his friend's advice, Louis is ready to add meaning to his life again. He's ready to start a family. So what if he doesn't have an omega? There are plenty of surrogacy services just waiting to help the rich and famous become parents. He just has to find the right one for the job.

70. We Got The World Shaking by [ FutureMrsHaroldStyles ] (39k)

Suddenly Louis is taking Harry’s hand in his own and turns to his sister. “I’m taking him to my room. Don’t worry I’m going to take care of him. Now go and enjoy your party, little sis!” And with that Louis leads Harry to the elevator. The thoughts in Harry’s head are going wild but they all come down to Fuck am I really gonna spend my heat with Louis Tomlinson?

Or the one where Harry goes into heat at his best friend Lottie's birthday party and her big brother helps him out.

71. Seeing Blind by [ @sugarbabyomega ] (46k)

Louis finally turns his head in Liam’s direction, knows his face is showing the longing he’s been aching with ever since it took root in his chest. “What the fuck do I do, Liam? He wouldn’t want me like that, but I want-” his voice cracks, and he turns his face back downwards. “What do you do when you’re not perfect for the person who’s perfect for you?”

OR the one where Harry’s an independent omega who likes to have his fun and Louis is the blind alpha that changes Harry’s priorities.

72. I'll Be Here Waiting on Forever by [ sweaterpawstyles ] (46k)

A Romeo and Juliet AU where Louis is an alpha prince who falls in love with Harry, an omega prince from the neighboring kingdom

73. Si Pudiera Volar by [ messofgorgeouschaos ] (68k)

When Harry’s fiancé leaves him for his cousin, he looks the other way for the sake of his happiness. He’ll do anything to forget about him, including joining a monastery. It isn’t until his cousin’s former lover, a pirate, appears that he realizes everything is not as it appears, and an honest pirate might be the only person worthy of his heart.

Or, a fic loosely based on Corazon Salvaje.

74.  A Distant Hazy Light by [ green_feelings ] (76k)

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

75. Face Your Fears by [ SadaVeniren ] (92k)

Harry is a single father, pretending to be a beta after his alpha mated him and left him. He’s getting by just fine raising the twins when Louis walks into his bakery. Too bad him and Louis will never be a thing.

76. Pretty Please (With Sugar On Top) by [ angelichl ] (113k)

Harry is a sugar baby omega who cons rich alphas for a living. Louis is a rich alpha with too much self-control.

77. Take Me As I Am by [ lovelarry10 ] (117k)

“Suppressant? But… why would I need a suppressant? Alphas don’t take suppressants.”

“You’re right, they don’t.”

****

Secrets. Lies. Deception. Betrayal. Self-discovery.

Alpha. Omega. How far will they go to hide the truth?

78. But Please, Don't Bite by [ @shyshyserious ] (122k)

"Melodic little jingle sounded from a bell hanging over the doorframe and warm indoor air curled heavily around his shivering body for the first time in months. Harry suddenly felt a sting in the corners of his eyes and had to force down a broken sob. Fuck, he was a mess. Such a mess. He had to focus." 

79. sometimes green and sometimes blue by [ itsmiz ] (511k)

Harry's an omega, and Louis is an Alpha. They're best friends growing up together on the outskirts of Washington, D.C., but they've always been a bit more than friends.

[noahrambles-blog]

Introduction - Who the fuck am I?

Hello void!

I made this blog so I could shout my questions into the void. My gender has been a big question for such a long time, but I’ve only started really wondering and analyzing recently. I feel like every step forward I make, I slowly inch backwards to where I was. Every epiphany, realization, moment of “thank you god I finally understand” eventually regresses back to confusion and frustration.

I’ve decided to start writing these realizations down. I find it’s easier to write to an audience, and frankly I hate writing in MS word. So, here I am, shouting into the void that is Tumblr. I’m not looking for advice from others, reassurance, nothing. I need to sit in my feelings and dig deep. I can’t get external validation or thoughts or questions or concerns. I’m just way too sensitive to others telling me what to do. Others’ expectations have forced me into the dark closet for too long and well, I’m done.

I’m in therapy currently to break down my past, which includes my parents’ expectations and the very traditional gender roles I grew up immersed in. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere in understanding my gender, I explain it away as “Oh, I’m just being sexist and stuck in those gender roles and stereotypes”. I was a tomboy as a kid? Doesn’t mean anything, girls can be masculine. Etc., etc.

Add on to all the fun confusion, that my partner came out as trans about a year ago. I love my wife dearly and I know she loves me too, no matter what (she’s well aware of everything I’m writing), but I worry that I’m only having these feelings because she’s having these feelings. When I met her, she told me how much she loved a particular video game, and I played it and loved it too, and we bonded over it. Same thing happened with multiple TV shows, hell, even backpacks vs laptop bags. Would I have loved these things without her influence? Granted, there are things that she loves that I don’t. She loves sardines on toast. Gross, right? Other games that I’ve tried and wasn’t a big fan of, instruments, drinks. We’re different people, but we basically grew up together, so of course we have similar interests and we both try each others’ interests. And since we’re so similar, there will be lots of overlap. And that’s okay! (I think. I hope.)

I think that this has really come up more in the past few years because my wife’s sibling came out as non-binary, which frankly, I knew what it was but not much more than that. Their experiences really mirrored my own, but because they used a lot of the same gender role language in their explanation, I wrote it off as them just being a bit sexist. But I fully supported them regardless. 

Add on the fact that I moved out of my toxic parents’ house into an apartment with my wife. Meaning day-to-day I can just be...myself, rather than bending to fit this expectation they enforced on me. But I’d been under their thumb for so long, that I don’t really know who I am? 

I was depressed for a really long time. I moved to Canada at 14, and the long winters only exacerbated it. I only feel like I’ve just come out of the fog. A few weeks ago, I went to my therapist to talk all this gender stuff out. I woke up the next morning feeling like garbage, but the two days after that? I haven’t felt that good in a long time. And I got married 10 months ago. I woke up with energy and motivation and desire. I wanted to go shopping and get new clothes, go to the movies, go out and have some beer. I just wanted to be out on the town and in public. I’ve been spending all my time in my apartment for years, so it was pretty weird.

My wife’s sibling got top surgery earlier this year and gave me their binders (since they didn’t need them anymore!) The first time I tried one on, I had a half second of “fuck yeah” followed by hours of utter dread and despair. I’m not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was from the realization that it didn’t make me completely flat. I didn’t wear it again for a few weeks, but one day I tried it again on a whim, and I haven’t really gone a day without wearing one since. I don’t love the 8 hour time limit (and I work 8.5-9 hours per day, so it’s often a lot longer, which I know is bad) and I don’t love the, well, binding feeling. But it’s nice to be warm all the time!

My other big indicator was when my wife bought me a strap on. We’d discussed me topping a few times in the past and once she came out, she was really interested. So we ordered a strapless dildo. But I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out. If it was in me, it wasn’t in her, and vice versa. We probably did this for 15, 20 minutes, and I was just getting more and more frustrated and upset. I kept trying, even though I was not really in the mood anymore. And then! It was in both of us! And I could move it! And it was so exciting! And then I was hit (again) by a wave of dread and despair. I couldn’t feel anything. I knew my wife was loving it, but I felt like dying. I couldn’t feel anything! I pulled out and laid down and cried. I’m sure my wife was so flustered, it did sort of come out of nowhere from her perspective. 

We haven’t used that dildo again, but I convinced myself afterward that my breakdown was due to my frustration - I’m really bad at being bad at things. I need to be really good at things, otherwise I get frustrated and quit. 

Because of this, we decided to buy a harness and try that instead. We went on vacation and we tried it out. Hoo boy, it was amazing! Looking down and seeing it gave me so much joy! (We had some awesome sex that night. Even me not being able to feel anything didn’t kill the vibe).

We’ve had sex a few times since then, but each time I get a little more dysphoric. We haven’t done anything recently, because I was hoping to analyze what’s going on without the dysphoria during sex, and overall pressure to perform. Since my wife came out, she’s much harder to read. It’s hard to tell what she’s into and what she’s not, because her tastes changed too. I know this means that we should do it more, but I’ve been getting overwhelmed trying to pleasure her, when my new dysphoria has also changed my own tastes and what I like and don’t like. I don’t really ‘finish’ much anymore, partially because my wife isn’t taking initiative and I have a really hard time asking for what I want or need. And I know sex isn’t about that, but all of these factors make it difficult to want it.

So in the meantime, life has been difficult and confusing. But also I’ve been happier than I have been in a while? The mornings aren’t as difficult, sleep comes more easily, I have more confidence day-to-day. And this is all just from considering these issues.

I bought all these gender-affirming clothes (I USED THE TERM GENDER-AFFIRMING CLOTHES BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY GENDER IS WHAT THE FUCK) that are honestly amazing, even though they’re super simple men’s clothes. Boxer briefs are literally my new favorite things. 

I think I’m definitely on the masculine end of the spectrum. Going back to wearing panties (and I always wore granny panties) and bras makes me feel gross, not to mention women’s lingerie. Dresses and skirts are a huge no. Heels are a hell no. Wearing my binder makes me feel like a person. So am I non-binary or a transgender man?

What I do know is this:

- I’ve never wanted to be a mom, but I really like the idea of being a dad. I don’t know what the difference is, but apparently there is one.

- I’ve always disliked my voice - anytime I hear it played back, it makes me feel physically ill. I wish it was deeper. I need to work on stopping artificially raising it (it is relatively low for someone who is AFAB and when I felt that I needed to be feminine and lovely and whatever, I learned to raise it and now it’s kinda stuck in “customer service mode”)

- I like the idea of getting smaller hips through fat redistribution. This dysphoria is actually new today. I haven’t had any issues with this but today I saw myself in the mirror and looked back at past pictures and my hips look massive.

- Surprisingly, the idea of bottom growth on t doesn’t weird me out? 

- I’m terrified of hair loss.

- I really want to fully embrace the academic professor aesthetic. I love the collared shirt under sweater look. I just need some elbow patches and a tweed blazer. I already have the oxfords.

- I’m terrified at the thought of coming out to anyone except my wife. Part of my family would be chill, the other would not. My work is made up of quite conservative people and even the “allies” are misguided. My immediate coworkers would probably be okay with a transition to a binary gender, but I feel like asking for they/them pronouns would result in being misgendered constantly. But I guess I’m being misgendered constantly anyway.

- I’m feeling less and less connection to my pronouns/feminine descriptors. It just doesn’t feel like me.

- I want to get stronger so I can pick up and toss around my wife cause I feel like she’d love that. And I think it would be kinda fun too. I already love pushing her onto the bed. Picking her up and tossing her onto the bed? Hot.

Anyway. This was a lot and was basically just me pouring my thoughts onto this page. There will definitely be more to come.

Goodnight!

Noah