#after the hiatus my blog looks like that library :)

[caffeinated-bibliophile]

I'm still crying 😠

[missmonsters2]

Between the Lines || XVII

PAIRING: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader / Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader / WandaNat x Fem!Reader Summary: Vampire AU. Life has changed drastically since the 1600s. Things are always on the move, and you’ve been very careful to not get on SHIELDs radar. Living on the down-low owning a café, you’re content to live out a quiet existence. That is until the Avengers enter your life. [Set after the New York Invasion, in CAWS, and goes up to AoU. Canon divergent after.]

Warning: canon-level violence.

TATYANA'S NEW CHARACTER FACE

Note: What a long hiatus! Glad to be back <3 hope you all enjoy this wild chapter! Please remember taglists are gone but you can follow my library blog for notifs! <3

Series Masterlist || Main Masterlist || Library Blog || A03

PART XVII of XX

Count: ~8.5k

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The air smells different. 

You expected it to. The landscape has changed after so many years, but it has still thrown you off kilter. You haven't returned to Tatyana's grave site in many years. It was cowardly, but you just couldn't. 

You didn't feel like you had the right to. It felt wrong to have killed Tatyana and then sit at her grave and mourn. She would've loved it, though, and she'd probably want you to sit there uncomfortable and discontent. As much as it would've been a part of your punishment, you only visited a handful of times throughout the first couple of decades. You had less time once you encountered David, dealing with his newborn tendencies. 

"So, what exactly are we looking for? A gravesite?" Tony asks, his helmet coming off momentarily as he surveys the area. It looked like a quaint little town. Modernized with time, but it was still out in the countryside. The air was still brisk, but it was warming with springtime emerging. You hear children and their parents preparing for the day in the distance, and it’s rather nostalgic. 

"No," you shook your head. "I didn't bury her near anyone. I don't believe the villagers would've accepted having their murderer buried amongst their dead. There had been a flower field miles away that I laid her to rest at." You look around. "Although it's hard to tell if it will still even be there or if something was built over it."

"Can't you, like, I don't know—smell it?" Tony gestures at nothing in particular. 

You roll your eyes. "I'm not a bloodhound. This was centuries ago, there'd be nothing left to smell even if I could pick something up this far."

You keep walking, leading the group, because you smell something even if you can't smell Tatyana's grave. You have yet to mention it to the group since you're unsure what it could be and don't want to get everyone more riled up when they're already so tense. 

The moment you walk far enough between towns, an area excluded away from civilization just past the trees, something inside you clicks. 

"It's here," you furrow your brows. 

"What's wrong?" Natasha asks. 

"I—" but you can't finish the sentence as there are a thousand footsteps at once. On the other side of the clearing, vampires are marching.

"Shit," Steve says.

"Language," Tony says, but it lacks its teasing tone.

Everyone buckles up, raising their weapons as the vampires begin to pick up their pace into a run toward you. You and the team begin to run to meet them, but before either side can reach the middle, there's a strong blast of magic, hitting the ground and nearly splitting it. 

"I don't remember giving orders to move."

You smell her before you see her. 

Spice and hydrangea override your sensories. 

All you can smell is her—the memories. It's the smell of eggs, slightly burnt cinnamon, herbs, the laundry, the river, and grass, and no one could ever understand it, but you could smell the warmth. You smelled somewhere—someone you used to call home. 

Smelling her just felt like you were losing everything all over, and to see her? Your breath hitches in a way that feels like it's slicing against your lungs. 

"Fuck," you murmur. "It's really you." 

Tatyana descends upon the field, her soldiers parting to make way for her. She looks just the way she did those few blissful weeks before everything went downhill—before you lost her. Her defined cheekbones, mauve lips, and sage green eyes that felt like she could always see right through you. 

The field was noisy, settling down into a quiet murmur, but none of it mattered. None of it matters because Tatyana's eyes held yours as she looked at you as if it was just the two of you on the field. 

"My love," her husk voice whispers, but you can hear it clear as bells. 

You feel like you're being constricted, her voice and eyes strangling the life out of every thought you could have possibly been having that wasn't about her. 

Natasha watches the scene unfold before her, unsure what to make of it. She hasn't ever seen you like this, even as you talked about her. But perhaps this was the issue. You always talked about her in a past-tense fashion. Tatyana had been nothing but a wounded memory that left scars all over you. Even when you encountered her previously, she was always in someone else's body.

But now, she was in front of you, clearly alive and unchanged. Seeing Tatyana must've brought you back to the 1600s just before everything went awry. 

Natasha looks over at Wanda, who's struggling to decide what she feels. There's a definite burning hatred there. Wanda wasn't sure she could ever forgive the manipulations and the last encounter. And for a moment, she hated that she had done the same to others with her powers. Yet, there was a displaced longing. This woman was related to her by blood—another family member when she thought there was just Pietro.

"Sveti kurac," Pietro curses. "She really does look like you."

Tatyana turns her head then towards the twins, assessing them. "How misguided," she sniffs with a crinkle in her nose. Her accent is thick as she says, "she looks like me."

Wanda bristles at the tone and words. She could practically feel Tatyana's insinuation that Wanda was a poor imitation to replace her. She narrows her eyes, conjuring up her magic. 

"Feisty," Tatyana chuckles like it's some kind of joke. "It's precious you think you can beat me, child."

Heat floods Wanda at the condescending tone.

"I had the upper hand on this battlefield," Tatyana cocks her brow. "Don't tell me you fools came here thinking I wouldn't have cast runes all over this place."

"My magic's still working, is it not?" Wanda smirks as she raises her hand, sending a blast of magic forward, only for it to make it out a few feet before fizzling away.

Tatyana bursts out laughing, hand over her mouth before she slides it up her face and through her hair, smirking. She turns to look at you, "I know the alternative to you not showing up here would've been devastating, but you were a bad girl, not preparing them more to come here."

You were stricken but trying to gather yourself and not show it. You take a deep breath. "What exactly is it that you want?" You stare on with no emotion. 

It's then that Tatyana's expression changes. Gone with the amusement, and in came the narrowed anger. Her eyes narrowed, jaw clenched with a pinched brow. 

"Don't ask ridiculous questions," she hisses at you. 

"What?" You taunt her. "Don't tell me you're still chasing your delusional ambitions of ruling the humans." You look around, gazing at the improved artificial vampire army that seems to hover, just waiting for Tatyana's command. "They're better than the last batch, but they'll never be the real thing."

"I don't need them to be the real thing," Tatyana cocks her brow. "I just need them to get the job done." But Tatyana doesn't reveal exactly what job that is. 

You pinch your brows, trying to appear annoyed rather than shaken. "Tatyana, just—stop," you sigh almost pleadingly. "Let it go. Let go of your anger at the humans."

But Tatyana just laughs, and it's hollow sounding. "You must not think about me at all anymore if you think I'm angry at the humans." 

"Angry at me then?" You push. "There's nothing I could ever say to justify what I've done but I think the punishment you've left me and the fact that I'll live with what I did for the rest of my life is enough."

Tatyana just shakes her head. "I'm not going to talk about this here with you," she says and holds out her hand. "You've had your fun, and I've indulged your dalliances long enough. It's time to return to me."

There's a moment when you hesitate. There was a time in your life when this would've been all you wanted. You felt like you were walking around with half your spirit carved out for a long time. You missed Tatyana so bad some days that you wanted to join her, if not for Leo and then David. You would sleep if only to dream about a life where you and she had everything. Sometimes you would stay awake to avoid dreaming. Tatyana had been the rising and falling of everything to you.

But—you take a deep breath—that was just a moment in time. 

"No," you tell her softly, but you know everyone can hear it. "That time of our life is gone, Tatyana."

"Don't make me ask twice," Tatyana calmly states, keeping her hand out, but there's a wisp of blue around her finger as she curls it, beckoning you.

You feel the magic jerk you forward, and the titillating of your center of gravity throws you off from fighting it. But before you can move further, Natasha and Wanda grip both sides of your wrist, grounding you. 

You look gratefully at the two, your eyes soft as they smile back at you. 

The intimacy of it brings a wave of white, hot anger into Tatyana. "How dare you interrupt us," she hisses. 

"You made it everyone's business by bringing us all out here," Natasha gives her signature raised brow. "And it's certainly mine and Wanda's business. Hasn't anyone ever told you no means no? You're almost no better than a man at this point."

Tatyana narrows her eyes at Natasha, disgust written all over her features as she glares at the redhead agent. But she doesn't say anything, as if deigning that Natasha wasn't worth speaking to, let alone her time. 

Suddenly, she snaps her fingers. Without words, the army of vampires begins charging again, and everyone has their hands full. Natasha and Wanda have to let go of you to beat off the crowding vampires, but the short moment of their hold has you able to stand on your feet again. Tatyana can't use her magic to try to pull you again, not when you're used to her magic and can throw it off. 

Everyone's holding their own, and Tatyana seems to be refraining from joining the fight, and you're still trying to figure out why. You look around, and Wanda can only cast magic within a few feet of herself, meaning she has to be close to her enemies. Natasha's style of fighting naturally is close range. For the most part, everyone's is. With the exception of Pietro, who can run circles around everyone, and Tony, who can use his suit to fly, everyone is bound to the ground.

Tatyana seems to realize this within minutes of watching everyone fight. She uses magic to conjure something in her palms before sending multiple blasts toward Tony's. They hit him in quick succession at his feet and back. He can't move out of the way in time, busy above trying to shoot off two vampires on Steve's back. Nothing happens immediately. But then, roots begin to grow out from the bottom, breaking the repulsors in his feet, and he starts to drop from the sky. He tries to engage the jetpack in his back but nothing comes out. 

Tony instantly begins trying to use the repulsors in his hands to slow the fall, but he isn't flying high enough from the ground. He's going to land right into a horde of vampires waiting to rip him apart. Tony could send missiles to kill them, but he might get caught in the blast.

"Tony!" Steve yells, using his shield to brutally jab into a vampire's shoulder over and over to release his leg. He starts running, but Steve knows he's not going to make it in time, and it's chilling. 

"Steve!" Pietro yells as he begins to run. "Hold your shield up and brace yourself!" 

Steve doesn't even hesitate. The time spent hunting for Bucky with the young man has earned his trust. Pietro barrels into Steve’s back, keeping his feet planted on the ground as he uses his powers to run the both of them. Steve's shield barrels into the group of vampires, knocking them over with a brutal force from the speed.

When it looks like just the perfect spot, Pietro stops pushing Steve before grabbing his shield and using it to slam into the rest of the vampires surrounding the area. 

Steve catches Tony, but it knocks them both to the ground. You can hear the wind being knocked out of Steve's lungs, but it doesn't sound like anything is broken. 

"Just for that," Tony sounds breathless. "I won't make fun of you for a week."

"At least two weeks, Stark," Steve huffs as the two get up. 

Natasha only catches moments of it from the corner of her eye. She must be careful not to let the enemies in front of her land a blow. Wanda's got her back, but she can tell it's frustrating the young witch her powers are being limited. 

"I have to find where she cast the runes," Wanda says. "If I can, there's a chance I can destroy them and get my full magic back."

The advantage of that would be overwhelming and could lead them to a possible victory. So far, Tatyana has refrained from joining the fight, but they might all be fucked if that ever changed. 

As Natasha wraps her legs around a vampire's body, swinging her way up as she locks his neck in, she uses her widow bites to stun him as she works her way into breaking his neck. She uses that moment to look at how David and Liam are faring. 

David is easily holding his own, watching out for Liam, who stays at the back as support with his alchemy. He seems to be attempting to cast a big spell. 

Tatyana sneers as she realizes there's an alchemist amongst the group. "William! Are you going to stand back and have me do all the work?" 

You tense, expecting something to shift. When nothing happens after a moment, the tension in your shoulders relax just slightly. 

Suddenly, the air changes. 

When a man—no, a predator—steps out from behind a tree, you feel something horrible. 

If seeing the predator in you could make people feel the hair on the body stand, seeing him was like having the first layer of your skin peel off. 

"No need to get yourself in a huff," he rolls his eyes. "You're losing your touch, dear. You can't even take care of a few measly enhanced humans and two vampires?"

He was tall and muscular but not overly so. He had long black hair that would've been popular during the olden days, just sitting at his shoulders. He looked unassuming, but you knew better.

"Don't call me dear," Tatyana snaps at him, but he ignores her. 

Williams looks at you. "Hm," he hums. "You look familiar. Did I change you? But your venom doesn't quite smell like mine."

But you're wordless. 

All these years...these centuries, and this has never happened to you.

You've never bumped into a vampire older than you. 

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William changes the battlefield. What once might've been a possibility of winning quickly becomes closer to being annihilated. Both you and David team up to take on William, trying to be more strategic than using brute power that you both know won't win. 

Everyone's busy handling their own fights, but they can't help but watch for the first time to see you outclassed. You brought your elbow into William's rib while David had him in a headlock. Natasha knows that the force alone should've obliterated the bones into dust, and it would've if it were anyone else. 

But William merely grunts as he whips the back of his hand into your face, the force of it knocking you miles and miles away into the distance, breaking trunks of trees as you hit them.

Natasha and Wanda scream your name, horrified. They try to take off after you, but suddenly a horde of vampires conjugate into a wall in front of them by force. They look up and see Tatyana floating just above them, smirking. 

They all knew this was a possibility, that this was what Tatyana wanted from the beginning. Yet, seeing it happen and being so utterly unable to prevent it is devastating. 

"No!" Wanda yells in desperation. She turns around in circles frantically, looking for where Tatyana would've placed the runes. 

Natasha's trying to formulate a plan. If she uses her grappling hook, she can try to aim at the trees over the vampires. She might break a leg, but it was better than nothing, wasn't it? It was better than not doing anything at all and watching you be taken.

"I told you, you stupid, little human," Tatyana sneers. "You're only meant for one lifetime and that lifetime is over." She uses her magic to begin toppling the vampires down towards them, meaning to crush them. 

Natasha instantly turns to Wanda, running towards her and grabbing her before using the grappling hook. Pietro seems to notice them immediately as she shoots toward him. He moves out of the way of the hook that doesn’t catch anything but grabs onto the rope. With all his might, he runs with the rope, yanking it harshly to get them out of the way of the falling bodies. 

Wanda holds onto Natasha tightly, using her magic to create a barrier around their bodies to protect their necks and any damage done to their bodies as it hits the ground. 

Wanda wants to sob at the realization that you're gone. Natasha doesn't even feel like she has the time to process it as she watches William grab onto David's arm, crushing it under his grip.

David lets out a painful hiss as his grip loosens, and he's flung from Williams' back into the ground. It cracks as a tiny crater is formed where he lands. David can instantly feel all his ribs break, his legs are mangled, and the back of his head in danger of cracking. 

William turns back to where Tatyana took off, stunned that she had simply left and wasn't coming back for him. Rage overtakes his face as he realizes he's been abandoned.

"David!" Natasha yells, running towards him, but he screams at her.

"Don't you fucking dare come closer!" David yells, and it's the first time she's heard him curse like that. "Get out! Get out of here now!"

Natasha wants to scream that she can't—she can't just leave him there. You'd absolutely hate her for it. David seems to think something similar: you'll hate him if you let Natasha and Wanda die here. 

This line of work has always taught Natasha there were sacrifices, and you had to live with them. You don't get to question someone else's sacrifice. This was a losing battle, and the only way to survive was if they got to the Quinjet now.

But by the time that happened, what would be left of David? Could she get his brutalized body back from William so he could recover? There has to be some blood bags on the Quinjet, and she could give him her blood if not. He'd heal. He had to.

The idea of recovery gets shot to shit when William pulls out a wooden dagger. And they all know what it's made of. 

William means to end it and end it permanently. 

"Go!" David yells as William steps closer, hovering over David with his two arms raised, holding the dagger. 

Natasha doesn't want to watch, but she can’t tear her eyes away. Wanda's summoning her magic even though she knows she's too far away, and angry tears are spilling out of her eyes. Pietro starts to dig his heel into the ground towards David. Steve throws his shield to the speedster, who catches it with ease. Tony uses one hand to attack the vampires between him and Steve while his other repulsor is pointed towards William, charging up. 

Willam's speed nearly matches Pietro, his hands coming down so quickly.

It's over.

God, it was fucking over. 

.

.

.

Hiss. 

.

.

.

It was small at first. But then suddenly—

CRACK.

The entire field is lit up, lightning and vines zipping through them at an unstoppable force. They take hold of every artificial vampire in the area, grasping them in a vice-like grip. The lightning surrounds it in a second hold, squeezing tighter and tighter until they disintegrate. 

William only pauses momentarily at the change on the field before a blur barrels into him ferally. The air leaves his lungs with a grunt. He drops the dagger on the ground, and Pietro scrambles to grab it and take off. 

With no artificial vampires left on the field to battle, they all scramble toward David to help him. 

They all watch, stunned. 

The two bodies rolled on the ground over and over until William landed with force on his back. 

And Liam on top.

Liam's eyes were pitch black, and his fangs bared as he snarled at William, snapping his jaws at him. William was surprisingly having a difficult time pushing Liam away, and it seemed Liam was using all his strength and alchemy to force William down. 

It wasn't until Liam managed to bite into William's forearm that the man let out a piercing scream as poisonous venom was injected into him. Liam held tight, nearly taking a chunk out of William's arm before he released, biting again just a few inches over. 

William began punching Liam in the head with his other arm until he was released. He crouches his legs in, pressing them against Liam’s pelvis as he uses them to knock Liam off of him.

Liam gracefully flips over and lands on his feet. Blood spilled out of his mouth and down his chin as he stood, and he wiped it away on the back of his hand.

"Leave," Liam growled, his eyes still black. "You won't win today."

William considers staying to fight, but he looks at the vines, still moving around. Also, the venom in his arm still pulsates with burning pain. He sniffs. He needs Liam's venom to reverse it; it's not his—

But then William narrows his eyes.

"You."

Liam doesn't respond to it, merely repeating, "Leave."

William snarls at the loss.

“Your venom,” William spits. “You know I can only delay the inevitable.”

Liam nods and they both tense as he blurs over to William, biting his hand before he runs back to create distance between the two. 

William only gives him a withering glare before he turns and disappears.

Liam turns, and they all watch, slack-jawed. His eyes are still black, and it makes everyone's hackle rise. But it's like he doesn't register them; he just keeps walking until he's kneeling in front of David.

Liam assesses the damage to see if his venom can fix it temporarily. When he determines it can't, he bites deeply into his own wrist. When he releases, blood starts overflowing, and he immediately places it over David's mouth, who begins to drink greedily. 

"What are you doing?" Natasha finds her voice first. 

"Blood-sharing," Liam answers. "The blood in his own body is already working overtime and its priorities will always be major organs and the head. I fed before we came, so it should be potent enough to at least heal his arms, legs, and some of his ribs."

"You shouldn't," David mutters weakly, trying to speak and not let any blood escape his mouth. "You'll end up feral if you give me too much."

Natasha quickly connects the dots to why David didn't blood-share during the aftermath of Ultron. 

Liam smiles weakly, his eyes slowly returning to normal when it seems like David will be okay. "We'll make do."

"If it's not enough, I'll give you mine," Natasha offers without hesitation. 

David smiles thankfully at her. It's then that the Quinjet comes into view with Pietro flying it. 

"We...we can't leave," Wanda suddenly says, her eyes welling with tears again. "We can't leave without her."

The heavy loss of you settles over everyone. 

"It's okay," Liam says before he lifts his wrist away from David, licking the wound and sealing it up. "Tatyana won't hurt her. She probably can't even take her outside the city."

"How do you know?" Wanda hisses.

"Who the hell are you?" Tony finally asks. "Aren't you supposed to be human? What the hell was all of that?”

"You're clearly older than our two vampires. You're as strong as that William guy," Steve says carefully, assessing the vampire before him.

Liam sighs, running his hand through his hair. "I was William's apprentice. I only got the advantage with all your help to distract him and the fact he was blindsided from seeing me again. If it had just been me, it's possible even my alchemy couldn't kill him."

Liam looked directly at Natasha and Wanda.

"William is my maker, but I'm Elaine's."

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Everyone is sitting back in the Compound, nursing their wounds. They sit around Tony's lab as he silently works on repairing his suit, and Tony is uncharacteristically quiet. 

Steve was wiping blood from his brow, inspecting if the cut on it needed to be stitched back together. He, Tony, and Pietro were planning on heading back out to see if they could find any traces of you. 

Steve's phone blinked with a message that he quickly checked from Sam.

Found him. Slippery little bastard, but I'll see if I can set a trap.

Steve lets out a tiny smile before sighing and putting away his phone. He feels disconcerted that you've been taken. He wonders at this point if you and Bucky will ever get to meet. 

"Speak now," Wanda hisses, "and speak quickly."

"What are you?" Natasha asks without hesitation. "How can you be a vampire and also use alchemy? Those seem to oppose each other if one is meant to be a power to be able to protect themselves from the other."

"How the hell could I not sense you were a vampire?" David mutters, mostly to himself in disbelief. "Vampires are always able to sense each other. It's like a primal instinct that we recognize in each other. And I never saw you feed and we were together almost all the time!"

Liam sighs, almost overwhelmed by all the questions directed at him. "Alchemy is a neutral power but only humans are able to receive it. It has to do with their natural blood. Humans, specifically priests, just used it as so to protect themselves from being prey. I had the gift for it as a human, but it was too weak to fully manifest. Once I was turned, the venom in me unlocked something."

Turning to David, he looked apologetic before pointing to the alchemy spells down his left arm. "This keeps an illusion spell up. It makes it so you can't recognize the predator in me, but I have to be careful because if I force any kind of vampire instincts like bloodlust up, it breaks through the spell. I don't have to feed as often as you being as old as I am, but when I did, I took advantage of the times we were apart."

The room is silent, trying to process the information. Steve and Tony left to see if they could find any trace of you and if they could find any information about where William would be hiding. 

"Let me start from the beginning," Liam sighs. "About who I am and everything that has happened to come to this moment."

Wanda has her lip curled in disdain but doesn't say anything. Natasha places her arm on Wanda's elbow, and the girl softens just a moment, leaning into the spy as they all quiet to listen.

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Flashback

~1400s to 1600s~

The world was an unnaturally quiet place. At least to Liam. The markets were bustling, and people constantly moved during the day, but that noise never registered with him. Liam took in the days slowly with little to no rush, despite how much it would annoy his father and siblings. 

But being the youngest did come with perks. They were generally much more lenient with him, and his mother seemed to hide the fact she'd allow him a taste of whatever was being made for the day first. It was a quiet life, and Liam hadn't minded one bit.  

Despite the feeling that something was rumbling just underneath his skin and the crops he grew were always somehow much better than everyone else's, Liam liked his quiet life. 

Moments of curiosity beckoned him to venture outside their quaint little farm and markets. Sometimes he stood out at the edge and looked out as if he could see anything beyond the horizon. 

He couldn't leave, though. 

Even if Liam wanted to see what he could do outside of growing crops, his family didn't need the uncertainty of waiting for him.

But just like how their little life was quiet, death comes just as quietly. Famine spreads through their lands, and Liam only manages to keep the crops alive a little longer than everyone else. One by one, they starve to death. 

Being the youngest was a curse, always being given everything there was until he was the last one standing. Hunger gnawed at his stomach as he finally ventured past their quaint little farm and markets. 

Hungry. 

He was so hungry.

Liam thought about what he could do. Should he try to grow more crops? But the land had suddenly become unsuitable. He was quick with picking up things. Maybe he could try to find a merchant and learn the trade. Only can't remember the last time he saw a merchant pass by. Perhaps he should find a temple and look for work there. He'd have to shave his head, though.

And even as he stumbled upon a gruesome feeding man feeding on another man, Liam stood there motionlessly. 

"Oh," the amused voice turned to look at him. "What have you stumbled upon, lost little boy?"

The words were difficult to understand. The man was white-skinned, clearly not from around here, but he had stayed long enough to learn the language from the locals. 

"I'm not a boy," Liam shook his head and replied slowly so the man could process his words. His voice felt raspy from the lack of use. 

"Could've fooled me," the man laughed lowly. "I can practically see your bones. You wouldn't even be a good feed."

"How can you eat him?" Liam asked as he looked upon the dead body, neck ripped open with blood running down. "Won't you get sick?"

The man raised his brow in amusement. It was strange that Liam didn't seem perturbed, but he supposed they had been experiencing famine for quite some time now. At this point, it was probably eat or be eaten.

"I won't get sick," the man told Liam, smiling sinisterly. "I'm a demon. I will never starve because there will always be blood."

It was quiet for a long moment, and the man wondered if Liam would turn to run. Liam was sweating at his brow and lip half-turned in a frown. Maybe he was too weak to even run away. 

The man thinks that the thought of eating him doesn't even seem appealing. Maybe he'll just kill him and be on his way. 

"Can I become a demon too?" Liam finally asks, locking eyes with the man, not flinching from their glowing redness. "If I become a demon, then I can live, right?"

The man stared, mouth agape. He starts laughing before he drops the body he's holding. "Fascinating, fascinating," he crooned. "It certainly won't be for free."

"I don't have money," Liam told him immediately. "If I had money, I would be searching for food to buy."

The man snorts. "I don't need money. Anything in this world is mine to take." He walks a slow circle around Liam. "What I want is an apprentice. I have plans, and my last one...didn't last very long."

Liam nodded. 

The man smiled, but there was no comfort from it. "I must warn you, I don't have the patience to change you slowly. This will burn." He stepped closer, grabbing a fistful of Liam's hair and yanking his head back. "Welcome to the coven. My name is William, but you will refer to me as master."

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William was a radical. There was no telling how long William was around since he rarely spoke about himself. All Liam knew was that William wanted more demons like him. Secretly, Liam could only surmise that being alone for so long must've been lonely. Being lonely for too long does something to your head.

A century passed by. It didn't feel as quiet as it did when Liam was human. It felt like something was pulsating under his skin, making his bones ache. Liam encountered many priests before, seeing what they called ‘God's power.’ The more they used it around him, the more something inside him resonated—the more it felt like something was about to come out. 

But Willi—his master would kill him. If Liam did what he believed he could, he would die for it. 

So, Liam started to study the priests from a distance. When he encountered them, he watched with rapt what they were doing, what they drew, and how they moved. When he finally got his hands on one of their 'incantation and hymn' books, he felt something different about his life for the first time. 

Liam felt awake. There was a constant stream of excitement in his mind. He could copy the drawings in the book, but he needed someone to teach him how to read the incantations. The world had always moved so slowly, and now Liam couldn't help but want it to move faster.

The only time he could practice was when his master was away. Despite the initial resistance, Liam convinced William that building networks with humans was better. If he wanted to create more demons, then they needed more space. 

They needed land and money and their influence to keep the pitchforks and fire away. It was much slower to accomplish, but it was working well. 

Humans were naturally suspicious beings. Too much compulsion and out-of-the-ordinary behavior would have the priests marching right to them. 

"How dare he!" 

Liam folded the paper he was drawing on and slipped it into his pocket as he turned around to see William barge through the door and slam it shut. 

"What's wrong, master?" Liam asked, no inflections in his tone. 

"That Baron Hastings—" William huffed, and his face was flushed with anger. "Not only did he laugh at my proposal to invest, he actually dared to convince others not to invest, saying it was a dupe!" 

Liam said nothing. Even though he knew whoever this Baron was, he was correct. 

"Your idea of this route was foolish!" William gritted out before he ripped off his hat. "I've had enough of this sham. Tonight, we will raid Baron Hasting's estate and take him for all he has."

"Yes, master," Liam tilted his head in acknowledgment. There was no use trying to refute anything William said when he was in this state. He was rather impressed since it was at least a decade since the last time he's lost his temper like this. 

The raid had been like it was every other time. The smell of massacre stopped making him nauseous long ago. Liam prefers to kill the servants by snapping their necks and only taking a bite or two out of them, if only to appease William. The overindulgence was intoxicating for a few short years before Liam decided that the smell of their fear during the massacre didn't make them taste as good. William thought otherwise.

As he finished up, he could hear something outside at the stables, but it was mostly covered by the sound of the Baron's wife screaming bloody murder. She wouldn't stop even as William threatened to kill her slowly if she didn't silence herself. 

Liam took off out the back. The Baron did well for himself, seeing a small stable holding three horses. He wondered who the third horse was for since the Baron and his wife had no children, and it couldn't have been for any of the servants. 

Then he gazed upon something he wasn't sure he'd ever seen. 

You were shaking and crying in your fine, silk-green gown. You were well-groomed and obviously spoiled with luxury. 

A mistress of the Barons, perhaps? How bold of you to be here while his wife was. But Liam inhaled deeply and tilted his head in confusion. While he did smell the Baron on you intimately, he could also smell the wife in the same way. The wife's scent was all around you, over you, inside you.

Strange, Liam thought. He didn't know that was possible. 

"Please..." you whispered, eyes closing as you could hear a woman's scream again, tears running down your eyes. But you don't continue your sentence.

His bones felt achy again. 

"Can you read?" Liam asked, causing you to look up unsurely. You looked like you wanted to bolt to see if you'd make it, but you stayed rooted.

You nod shakily nonetheless. "Yes, a little. The Baron and his wife were teaching me."

Liam nodded. "Master won't teach me to read."

You swallowed, trembling. You obviously were confused as to why this...this demon was talking to you instead of killing you. "Have you asked?"

Liam shook his head. "He doesn't like it if I do other things. If I ask, he'll just be angry. He only taught me this language because it makes it easier for him."

You were gripping the horse's reins tightly. "If you don't want to follow him, why do you?"

There was a blank look as Liam stared at you. "Master made me as I am. I'm not strong enough to beat him."

"Have you tried?"

"If I try and fail, then I'll die."

"If he's too strong, then you need to be smarter. The Baron says being smarter and playing the long game is far better than being stronger."

The words settle upon Liam like a blanket. His eyes sparkle as if he knows that he's smarter, and despite being a mere human, it was like your permission to be so was all he needed.

There was a heavy, pregnant pause. 

"You can leave," Liam told you, gesturing back to the screaming with his head. "If you leave now, the master will probably not notice you. But you can't leave with the horse as it will make too much noise. You must walk, not run. Your heart is already beating so loud and running will make it worse."

"I—" you started to say but choked. The tears that welled up in your eyes earlier fall over your already tear-stained face. "I can't leave without them."

Liam tilted his head. "Why not?"

"The baroness is screaming so I can leave," you told him, choking on your sob. "The moment we heard the break-in, The Baron pushed us both out the back, but the Baroness knew we both couldn't escape. She left me here and went back in."

"Then you should leave," Liam reasoned. "If she did it for you, you should live."

"Just to die another day," you muttered, wiping your tears. "How do you leave the first person to show you that kind of love? I—I can't. I should be in there too."

Liam ponders the words. He kind of understands. He loved his family as much as he could. It was hard to leave their bodies behind, but he kept moving because they had given him every last morsel so he could keep going. 

And while you did not show him anything remotely close to love, you did show him something. And the ache in his bones made him feel like he shouldn't leave you behind. Playing the long game, as you said, will require time. And in the end, Liam knows he can't do it alone. 

"Then die as a human and join them," Liam resounded before he blurred over to you and bit your neck, releasing his venom. There was no scream from your mouth, just your jaw dropping in shock. The taste of fear in your blood repulses him a little, but he hangs on, draining you. He was sorry—genuinely sorry—unlike his master, who warned him with false regret in his voice. Liam was sorry that your change would be painful. 

When Liam felt your pulse nearly stop, he released you. He looked back at the house that was slowly becoming quieter. The screams quelled. He hopes you don't remember much of this. 

Tonight, you'll die as a human and join the Baron and Baroness. 

Then...then you'll wake up a demon, and the long game begins.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Natasha and Wanda feel breathless as they listen to Liam. You told them your side of the story when you were changed, which was very little as you didn’t recall much outside of waking up with a burning pain and smelled the massacre.

To hear it from Liam’s side was…they didn’t know how to describe it. It made them want to hunch over and scream. 

"I watched her in secret for many, many years. I managed to drag William from town to town. Not too close, obviously. That's how Tatyana and William met, I believe. I thought that Tatyana would've joined to get rid of William, but..." Liam rubbed the back of his head and didn't finish the sentence. "When Tatyana died, and Elaine became close to that priest, I saw it as an opportunity. I needed to learn alchemy and that priest and his family were going to be the only way. So, I escaped and went into hiding. William eventually stopped looking and continued to travel further away from me."

"How were you even able to get close without alerting them?" David asks with a frown. "She would've sensed you for sure if you didn't have your alchemy tattoos yet."

Liam shakes his head. "Your senses don't react the same way when you're near your maker. When you said you can always sense the predator in a vampire, what's actually happening is your venom senses other venoms. Your venom is unique to you, but it did come from your marker. Therefore, you can't sense it very well because your venom sees it as an extension of itself. While venom is unique to yourself, it does recognize shared venom. When you bite someone, only your venom can fully counteract it. But anyone in the same venomline as you can delay the poisoning, like a partial healing."

"Huh," David hums, holding his chin. "You learn something new every day. That explains why I never felt any alarms or hackles rise when I saw her. I thought it was because I recognized her as a coven mate, but that makes more sense when vampires form their own coven by changing others versus outsiders banding together."

Liam nods, smiling at David before continuing his story. "I learned a lot from Leonard by just watching and listening to him teach his children. They continued their traditions and upheld alchemy for a very, very long time. Until a child came that didn't have a gift, and they couldn't bear any more children."

"Robert," Natasha realizes, recalling the priest they met in Nashville. Liam nods. "He said you were adopted. They must've adopted you and thought you were, what, 17 at the most? How did you manage that? You look..." Natasha trails. "Older."

"The documents I forged officially said so, but I did learn enough fundamentals of alchemy to experiment on my own to change some of my features," Liam reveals. "I think his grandfather suspected but never attempted to find out. I was a prodigy once I had proper teachings and although awkward, sincere."

"Did you know?" Wanda demanded immediately. "Did you know Tatyana was alive?"

Liam is silent initially. "I suspected," he admits. "I couldn't quite keep tabs on William after I escaped, but his behavior was strange weeks leading up to Tatyana's death."

"We couldn't find even a trace of them." Steve and Tony burst through the doors together, looking tired, angry, and defeated. The news of your disappearance sets off everyone in the room. Angry tears well up in Wanda's eyes, that feeling of loss at her door again. 

And she is so, so fucking tired of losing.

"You knew," Wanda hisses at Liam, malice laced in her tone. Her lips were pursed, and her eyes narrowed in an accusatory manner. "You knew all along that Tatyana was alive and would eventually come after us."

Wanda's eyes began to glow, her magic manifesting around her in angry, red wisps. "You knew and you let Tatyana take her!" Her magic bursts towards Liam, grabbing him like a vice. His body stiffens and jerks in her hold as he releases a gasp of pain.

"Wanda, wait!" David calls out to her, but it doesn't register. He tries to grab Liam to pull him out of Wanda's grasp, but he can't get Liam to even budge. David turns to everyone else in the room, but everyone is conflicted about whether or not to step in after finding out the truth about Liam. Steve looks like he wants to step in, but the anger about losing you keeps you rooted. He wants answers, and if Wanda can get them from Liam, he'll stay in place with his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed.

"Nat," David turns to the redhead instead, his eyes pleading. "Please. Liam must've had his own reasons for not saying anything. We need all the help we can get." 

Natasha purses her lips. She'd be more than content to let Wanda rip Liam to shreds. She's so unbelievably angry to the point where it feels like hot needles are pricking her and boiling her blood. You were right there. You had been right there in front of her, and Natasha lost you. There was nothing she could've done to save you, and that's what makes Natasha the angriest.

But it's the years of experience—the training she's endured all her life— that she can put aside her emotions and be rational. Natasha gently places her hand over Wanda's clenched hand. The warmth of her skin makes Wanda look at her, the anger in her eyes slowly dimming as she stares into Natasha's gentle look. 

The red glow disappears from Wanda's eyes, the wisp drawing back into her. She releases Liam from her grip, still glaring at him as he falls into David's arms. Liam's slightly hunched over, trying to regain his breath. 

Natasha feels Wanda slip her hand into hers, and the warmth that seeps out is comforting. She coolly turns her head towards Liam, chin jutted upwards. "As much as I would like Wanda to give your comeuppance, you hold valuable information. You better have a plan or have some knowledge of how to save her and get rid of Tatyana for good."

Liam recovers from Wanda's attack as he gives a slight nod to David that he's okay and stands straight. "I had never intentionally planned for anyone to be kidnapped," he emphasizes, having the consciousness to at least look guilty. "I didn’t reveal myself because I wasn’t sure how Tatyana had been listening in. I truly believed that Tatyana was working with William to overthrow the humans. I'm not sure what changed, but it's clear that Tatyana abandoned William and had no intentions of creating sustainable creatures for his army again."

Natasha and Wanda look at each other for a brief moment. They recall the moment William had looked betrayed. The anger that rushed into William's eyes and the heat that pulsated through him—there was no way that was a part of their plans. 

"Tatyana was able to recreate her body, but there definitely had to be a price paid," Liam continues. "I could feel something different about her, something not human. We need to find out exactly what she did to recreate her body because it was unlikely she was actually able to preserve it after she was killed. If we can find out, we can find a counter spell to undo it."

"That's if we can even stop her from using her magic," Natasha shakes her head. "Every time that woman casts a spell, we're always fucked."

"There has to be a spell to nullify her powers or stop her from using them," Liam thoughtfully says before sighing. "It's a shame we don't know any more witches. Usually, each coven has its own spell book."

"I'm sure I can figure something out," Wanda rubs her brow, a tiny headache forming. "Let's just form a plan first to find William and lure Tatyana out." 

"In the case that there is another army waiting, we need to figure something out. If Tatyana won't create more vampires for William, he might just turn to the old fashion way of changing people. Even just a dozen of them will be troublesome for us, especially if they turn out to have gifts. The more time we lose, the more time he has to change people," Steve points out.

"What was that wood you said could kill you?" Tony asks David. "The...meth...metha...methu...the meth tree."

David gives Tony a look before he rolls his eyes. "Methuselah."

"That's what I said," Tony smirks. "If I can get my hands on a sample of it, I could probably turn it into something more effective to kill vampires...uh..." Tony paused. "Obviously not you guys, though. I'll work something out."

David wishes you were here to laugh at Tony. He lets out a deep sigh before he locks his eyes with Natasha and Wanda. "I'm going to find her," he promises them. "There isn't any place in the world Tatyana can hide her from me."

"How are you so sure?" Wanda frowns. She knows of his abilities, but Tatyana is a witch. They could be in a hut with no technology around.

David smiles, although sheepishly. "I have trackers in both her molars."

"What?!" Natasha narrows her eyes at David. 

"It's fine!" David insists. "She knows, and I have trackers in both my molars too. Sometimes we do really stupid shit, and on two separate occasions, we couldn't find each other, and well—" David shrugs.

They all stare at him.

"Anyway, it's not always on," David says as if that should be obvious. "We just activate it when we can't find each other. I've reactivated it since we returned back here. It just takes some time to ping down a location even if I'm a technopath. The further she is, the longer it takes but we'll know soon."

They all continued to stare at him.

Tony finally opens his mouth to speak.

"You two are fucking weirdos."

[the-purity-pen]

dear readers,

at this time, i will be taking a long indefinite hiatus from sharing on this platform once more.

my works will remain up to serve as a library but through multiple happenings and where my head is at in terms of lack of actual reactivity and response to my works that i share for free after hours of work, i no longer find it viable to sink my time into a platform that doesn't care or is too wrapped up in only certain creators pumping out material that may not even serve a greater purpose.

kinktober can still exist without me. use the tag and uplift and reblog others' works. but i will not be facilitating the event and will not be participating myself.

i will be writing but not sharing. i will be continuing my series and stories that mean a lot to me and probably trashing the rest that felt like i was writing them because it's "what the people want".

i don't know if i'll be deleting this blog after kinktober is over or I'll just set it to be inactive. but please do not reach out to me in dm here. don't bother with my ask box either. I'm on discord but I'm not looking to add anyone else to my friends list at this time.

just know, that if you want more content from me, do better about actually telling me that. not just spam-liking my stuff without viable feedback.

[jalapeno-princess]

Coming Home

(Picking only one gif was extremely difficult just look @ him)

Jeong Yunho X Reader

Word Count: 8.8k

Genre: Angst, Ex’s to lovers, fluff (happy ending)

Warnings: Mentions of reader being stalked/followed by a stranger

Summary: After a long day of studying for finals at your campus library, you didn’t realize just how immersed you were in to your work until you saw that it was practically midnight. As you began walking home to your apartment, you noticed that someone began following you. Fearing for your life, you decide to call the only person you know could calm you down in such a frightening moment like this; your ex-boyfriend Jeong Yunho.

A/N: YOOOOOOO guys GUESS WHO’S BACK AFTER SUCH A LONG TIME? Okay, so, a couple things have happened since I’ve last posted an imagine. Unfortunately, I am no longer a Got7 stan (I know, I hate myself. I literally cried when I came to the realization.) It’s probably because of their hiatus (and I have the attention span of a peanut) (I think I might have adhd) so I will admit, I did get tired of waiting for them and even when they did come back, I wasn’t all that excited. However, Got7 saved my life when I first discovered them and they will always hold a very special place in my heart. Now, I am currently a huge fan of Ateez and I’ve decided to just post any Ateez stories I decide to write (instead of making an Ateez blog only because I doubt I’m really going to write as many stories as I did about Mark). I’m sorry for disappointing any one of you, but I hope you will enjoy this story! It’s pretty rough since it’s my first one in a very long time (I’m rusty). This is based on the song See You Later (Ten Years) by Jenna Raine.

It's funny 'cause I've always dreamed of me and you Now here we are Staring at the stars You just broke my heart even though you promised You'd never do that from the start But I guess we can only make it so far

'Cause time wasn't in our favour This isn't goodbye, this is simply see you laterLet me know when it's time to come back Maybe when your life is on track And you don't have to hesitate Hopefully it isn't too late Luckily for you, I'm patient I'm okay with your making me wait And as long as you're near, I'll be here Even if it takes ten years

Looking at your watch, you sighed softly to yourself in frustration seeing how late it was. 

11:15 P.M. 

You were well aware that it wasn’t the best idea to stay at the campus library for as long as you did; especially because from past experiences, during midterms and finals, you’d be so concentrated on studying that it took you a while to realize just how long you held your head between your books for. It also didn’t help that winter was quickly approaching and the temperature had to be at least 45°. 

The thin cardigan you were wearing didn’t do much in keeping you warm and you were soon regretting leaving your apartment at all that day. As much as you wanted to stay home in the comfort of your humble abode, the library held a lot of the books you needed for the upcoming literature test on Tuesday. Besides, being in your apartment all by yourself was suffocating—especially under the current circumstances. 

Biting your tongue at the many upsetting thoughts that began to fill your mind, you put on your AirPods and began to make your way back to your apartment. Living less than twenty minutes away from your university was pretty ideal; to the point where you’d walk to school on most days. However, this was the first time you walked home by yourself so late at night. 

You could feel your chest tighten up as memories from two months ago began to play in your head and before you knew it, tears began to well up in your eyes. Some of the best moments of your life—moments spent with him. The love of your life—your soulmate—your person—the man you wholeheartedly believed you were going to spend the rest of your life with—Jeong Yunho. 

It hasn’t been all that long since the two of you mutually decided that it was best for the both of you to go your separate ways—yet the heartbreak that you were going through seemed to get more and more painful as the days went on. Who could blame you? The two of you were together since junior year in high school—spending seven years of your life with someone—some of the best years of your life for that matter—you accepted the fact that it would take a very long time to move on. 

Some days were better than others; you took on two extra classes and worked overtime at your job to distract yourself from overanalyzing what used to be—what could have been if you tried a little harder. Trying your best to push away the idea of him and any of your memories together to the best of your ability, you dragged your feet in the direction of your apartment. Being so late at night, it didn’t surprise you that there were hardly any cars driving on the road. You considered Korea to be relatively safe, so you didn’t really think much of your surroundings. 

There were countless times where you would go exploring on your own whenever Yunho was working or at school himself. Everything was fine for most of the walk; there were quite a bit of streetlights and you passed by a couple of people. It wasn’t until the hairs on the back of your neck began to rise when you heard heavy footsteps treading not too far behind you. 

Maybe someone was heading home just like you were—maybe it was someone who had also been at the library, or even leaving work. There was no reason for you to be so paranoid. Your curiosity; and the chicken skin that now encompassed both your arms started to get the best of you. Reaching for your phone and pretending that you were trying to FaceTime someone, you decided to see what the person looked like. 

Not wanting to draw any attention to yourself, you decided not to turn around for obvious reasons. When you saw the taller, broader figure wearing all black behind you, your heart sank to your chest. 

He’s just walking y/n, stop worrying so much. 

Trying harder to convince yourself that the stranger wasn’t someone you had to be worried about, you slowly let out a few shallow breaths—not wanting him to catch on to your paranoia. Something inside of you told you to take a different direction; not going home just yet in attempts to see whether or not he would follow you. 

As you turned left, you noticed that this was a road that mainly families and elderly people who were settled down resided in. To your dismay, the footsteps only grew louder and soon you were running out of ideas. He was in fact following you and you had no clue as to what you should do. Unlocking your phone, you scanned through your contacts—your parents were currently on a trip in Hawaii, and you didn’t want to worry them with your current predicament. 

It wasn’t like they could do all that much to help you anyway—being over 5,000 miles away. You thought about calling one of your friends—specifically Mingi or Seonghwa, but they were also Yunho’s friends who you became close with because of him. Although you’d consider them family at this point after knowing them for almost the same amount of time you’ve known Yunho for, you haven’t seen or spoken to them since the breakup and you didn’t want to burden them after not contacting them in months. 

The thought of calling Yunho actually popped up before you considered anybody else; he was always the first person you would go to for anything and everything that happened in your life. No matter what it was—whether it was something so amazing, or something so terrible, your ex-boyfriend was the first person you sought solace from. 

Ex-boyfriend. 

That word felt so unfamiliar and you hated how it felt on your tongue. Not once throughout your seven year relationship with the older boy would you have ever pictured not having him in your life. 

The two of you started off as friends; being paired up in science class during your freshman year—Yunho was a lot more shy back then, but you were the definition of a social butterfly and it didn’t take long for Yunho to come out of his shell. Before either of you could notice it, you became the best of friends in a span of three months. 

If only you weren’t literally moments away from a panic attack, you’d smile softly at the image of a teenage Yunho. He was already so humongous; he was the tallest student in your graduating class. His hair was much longer in high school, his cheeks were puffier and his features were sharper and more defined. Back when life was so much easier and the two of you were much happier. 

Having an internal argument with yourself; weighing out the pros and cons of what could happen if you were to call him, you let the fear of what could happen to you if you continued to walk down a dark and empty road overpower the worry of contacting your ex-boyfriend for the first time after your extremely painful breakup. Dialing the only number you knew by heart, you felt as though you were about to pass out after the first ring. 

“Please—please pick up. Please—“

“Y/n?” If you weren’t so scared right now, hearing his raspy voice that you loved and missed so much would have stopped your thinking process, but you were too busy trying to think about what your next move was. 

“H—hey. Hi. I—I’m so sorry—I—I know it’s been a while and—and I—I’m sorry—“

“Y/n—y/n, is everything okay? You sound like you’re out of breath—where are you?” 

Trying your best to slow down your racing heart, your cheeks warmed up at the realization that he picked up on the second ring. Hearing him worry about you filled your chest with so much warmth—but the feeling was quick to disappear as you began to tell him of your situation. 

“I—I was walking home from school and I was minutes away from my apartment when I felt like someone was following me. At first—I just—I told myself I was overreacting but, he’s been following me for ten minutes now—“

“Where are you—did you—are you still sharing your location with me?” 

As much as you didn’t want to torture yourself with anything related to Yunho, you couldn’t delete anything. You weren’t strong enough mentally nor physically to delete the hundreds and thousands of photos and videos, nor the text messages and voicemails he’d send to you. Maybe it was the fact that you and Yunho were a couple for so long, or because you held on to the hope that you’d get back together someday—you just didn’t want to get rid of him from your life completely. Yunho was all you’ve known for most of your life and he was all you ever wanted to know. Plus, you made him a promise in the beginning of your relationship when he first shared your location with himself. 

“Although I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, promise me that no matter what happens to us, you’ll always share your location with me. I need to know that you’re safe at all times—even if there’s ever a time where we can’t be together.”  

He was always so overprotective when it came to you, but you were fond of the many ways he sheltered you, protected you and how he made your safety and well-being his number one priority. You didn’t realize just how much you missed him checking up on you; whether it was seeing how your day was going, if you were eating all your meals and staying hydrated—or sending you some words of encouragement at school or work—maybe a couple of cheeky pick-up lines here and there—until you no longer received anything from him. 

But you were the one who initiated the breakup; it took over a month for you to come to the hardest decision you ever made in your entire life. However, both you and Yunho were extremely busy; after you graduated from college with your bachelor’s degree in special education, you decided to go back for your master’s shortly after. A choice Yunho highly encouraged. 

He went straight to medical school once he graduated from community college. His dream of becoming a doctor was one he’s been working extremely hard for since the 3rd grade. You were each other’s biggest support systems. Although it was hard for both of you, you did whatever you could for one another to make sure you both achieved your goals. Unfortunately, both your schedules became too packed to fit in any time together. When you were at work, he would be at school and when you were at school, he’d be clocking in to work. You had weekends off, where as he worked both days. 

Although you lived together, you hardly got to see each other and the distance, along with the many fights that began to break out as a result of too much stress on your end and his—you couldn’t continue being in a relationship you felt you were being suffocated in. His support was no longer reaching you, and the two of you were too tired to be intimate; not even having time to kiss each other more than just a peck if you were lucky. 

On that September night where you built up the courage to sit him down and tell him what was clouding your mind, you felt as though your heart was being ripped out from your chest. It was the first time you saw Yunho cry over you. He never really had a reason to. You were so happy together; your relationship was the envy of everyone who knew of you and Yunho. 

The two of you hardly ever fought and if you did, it was over something so stupid like him leaving the toilet seat up or you leaving a coffee cup in the sink. Wherever one of you were to go, everyone expected the other to be. You were both so madly in love with one another—making it known that God made you for each other. Which is why nobody believed it when you announced your break up. How could two people who embodied the perfect definition of soulmates come to the decision that they no longer wanted to be together? 

Mingi even told you that he thought the two of you were trying to mess with him and refused to believe the heartbreaking news. It took Yunho many attempts to let him know that it was in fact over between you both. He tried his best to beg you to stay; he reminded you that he couldn’t live without you, that he loved you more than he thought he could ever love someone, that what was a couple of rocky months when he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you—he promised that he would make time for you and that he would change. 

He apologized for taking out his anger and frustrations on you, and told you that he would be nothing if you were to leave. Hearing him say all those things, on top of hearing his heart-wrenching cries as he held on to you so tightly caused you to genuinely reconsider your decision. You didn’t want to break up with him—the thought of not being able to wake up in his warm and comforting arms, all the while looking at his handsome smile as he kissed you all across your face in the morning—sitting on his lap as he played his favorite video games, trying out different recipes together that you’d see on the food network, cuddling together on the couch while watching a movie, having him lie down on your lap as you’d read a book to him, staying up on the phone with him while he’d go to America for different healthcare conventions—the thought of not being his is what tore you apart completely. 

What was worse was the thought of another woman in your shoes. It made you sick to your stomach thinking about another woman kissing him—hugging him—being intimate with him—loving him and being loved by him in ways only you should be allowed to. However, you allowed your temporary unhappiness triumph everything else and once Yunho saw how you weren’t relenting, he stopped trying. If you wanted a breakup, no matter how much he didn’t want to, he loved you to much to continue hurting you in the ways you were claiming he did.

“Yeah—I—I actually don’t even know where I am. I just turned down a street—“

“Is he still following you? Can you FaceTime me please?” 

Without hesitation, no matter how unprepared you were to see him, you didn’t care at this point. You weren’t thinking straight and you knew Yunho would have a better idea of what to do. You could feel yourself lighten up a little bit when his soft, delicate and extremely handsome features appeared on your phone screen.

“Tilt the camera behind you carefully.” 

You recognized that he was currently at Mingi’s apartment. Right after the breakup, he walked out without any of his things. You wanted to tell him that he could stay for the night, but even if you offered him to, you knew there was a huge chance he didn’t want to be around you. Especially because you broke his heart. To this day, the image of his red eyes, furrowed brows and broken form still haunts you. He didn’t deserve any of that; he was such a bright and bubbly person. You claimed that he was the actual sun in human form. Yet, your relationship grew so cold, you didn’t feel anything towards him but a burden. 

“Y/n—he’s—he’s still there. Asshole—I swear to God, I’ll kill the bastard—ah, damnit. Okay, stay—stay calm okay? I’m going to leave right now—“

It was two minutes away from midnight now and you felt like crying. Everything was so overwhelming; you were being stalked by someone two times your size and it led you to calling up your ex-boyfriend. Why was this all happening at once? You couldn’t wrap your head around it. Here you were, putting the same man who’s world you flipped upside down in a span of a day through something he shouldn’t be worrying about. Did you hate him that much? Yunho didn’t deserve to be treated this way; yet he was trying his best to help you even if there was a chance he was probably sleeping. 

“I—didn’t realize—midnight—Yunho, I’m so sorry—you don’t have to come, please just stay on the phone with me—“

“If you think even for two seconds that I’m not going to come and get you, you’ve lost your mind. Okay, tell me, do you see anyone else? Or, better yet, is there any kind of store—anywhere you can run in to until I arrive? You’re ten minutes away, but I don’t want you alone for much longer.” 

Hearing how he still cared so much about you made you regret your decisions and you wanted nothing more than to go back and change everything. You knew that if the two of you were still together, tonight would never had happened. There was no way in hell Yunho would ever allow you to walk home at night by yourself. He used to playfully scold you if you went somewhere by yourself that he considered dangerous. 

You hardly went anywhere without him or his friends, but on the rare occasions where you’d go grocery shopping late at night, he’d come pick you up and tell you how worried he was for you. Thankfully, your many prayers were answered when you saw a convenience store in your peripheral vision. 

“There’s a 24-hour convenience store—“

“Good. Go there. But don’t make it obvious okay? He might just chase after you and—I don’t even want to think about anything bad happening to you. Stay with me and let me know when you get in the store.” After what felt like hours—which you knew was probably less than two minutes, you released the loudest sigh of relief as the cashier greeted you once you walked in. 

“Okay. I’m here now.”

“Thank God.” He also sounds a lot more relieved, and you were now very grateful that you decided to call him. Nobody else would have been able to calm your nerves like he did so effortlessly. 

“Thank you so much Yunho—I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’m sorry for bothering you—I’m—I’m sorry—“

“No. I won’t be having any of that. Stop apologizing. I would do anything for you. You should already know that. You’re never a bother. I don’t care that we’re not a couple anymore, you know you can call me whenever and I’ll be there no matter what. Is he gone now? Do you still see him?” 

Every single word that fell from his mouth tugged on your heartstrings and you didn’t even notice that you were crying now. Although they could have been tears of relief, you were confident they were emotional and overwhelming tears. You were still so madly in love with Yunho; there was no doubt about it. However, with all the events that happened within the last hour, it made you accept the fact that you couldn’t live without him anymore. 

“I—I don’t see him. But I don’t know, I—I think I’m just a little frazzled—“

“I’m almost there okay? I’m about four minutes away. Don’t leave the store until I get there.” 

Although he was obviously just as scared as you were, his soft voice help calm your racing heart. How did you go two months living without this man? There were so many times where Yunho would comfort you—whether you had a terrible day at work, or failed a very important test. He would hold you so tightly, as if he were to lose you if he let you go—while running his fingers through your hair—whispering words of comfort and encouragement. You missed how much he loved and cared about you. Before you could say anything else, you were being pulled into a broad chest that you knew belong to Yunho. His arms were now wrapped tightly around your lower back as his face was buried in the crook of your neck. 

“Hey—hi—um—hi—I’m so glad you’re okay. I felt like I was going to pass out hearing you so scared—God y/n, I literally ran three red lights to get here—“

“You didn’t have to do that—“

“Stop. Like I said, I would do anything for you. That means getting a ticket or even going to jail if it meant protecting you. Now, as much as I want to keep talking about this, I’m sure the employee thinks we’re crazy. I’ll take you home.” 

You felt disappointed once he released you from his embrace, but it was your decision to no longer be able to hug him whenever you wanted to. As cliche as it sounded, whenever you’d hear the phrase “home is where the heart is” you always considered Yunho to be your home. Home wasn’t necessarily just a roof above your head. Home wasn’t just a place you’d return to after a long day. Home wasn’t just somewhere to sleep. Home was wherever you felt safest—and only three months in to your relationship did you accept Jeong Yunho was your home. 

After being in his warm embrace after two long and dreadful months, it just confirmed how you haven’t been the same since. You just assumed this breakup was for the best—that you were a distraction to Yunho and that it was in his best interest to focus on his career without the burden of a relationship. But you couldn’t have been more wrong. “

Wait—you were walking home alone in the freezing cold wearing just this sweater—oh—you—you still have this?” 

Back in high school, when you were first introduced to Yunho’s family, his mother simply adored you. She always pestered Yunho about confessing his feelings to you. She claimed you were everything she could ever want in a future daughter-in-law and more. For your 16th birthday, she gave you a box filled with a bunch of cute things. Some notepads, mechanical pencils, butterfly shaped earrings, a rainbow keychain, fuzzy socks and the sweater you were currently wearing. Apparently, Yunho picked it out; claiming that he loved how cream colored outfits really accentuated your delicate features. It was one of your favorite things to ever own. 

“Yeah of course I do. It’s my favorite sweater, why wouldn’t I have it?”

“I—I don’t know. It’s such an old sweater, and you’ve bought nicer ones—“

“Well, your mom bought it for my birthday…and you once said it was your favorite thing for me to wear other than your clothes—“

You didn’t know just how much you should be revealing to him and it didn’t dawn on you how the two of you were talking so comfortably to one another. As if you were still friends—as if the breakup never happened—as if you were still together. No. You couldn’t think like that. It didn’t matter that Yunho came out tonight to save you. You were sure anyone would have done that for you; any ex-boyfriend would have done the same. Right? Wrong. 

Nobody in their right minds would go out of their way, leaving the warmth of their apartment to enter the freezing cold; to speed on the road covered in snow for a girl who broke up with them because the relationship was getting too much for her to handle. But this was Yunho. Like he mentioned twice already; he would do anything for you without hesitation. There were countless times throughout your relationship that he would drop what he was doing to go and be with you. 

Last October, he was in New York for school and he found out you had a kidney stone—he was on the next flight back home and stayed with you for the four days you were in the hospital for. When your grandmother passed away, he was out hiking with his family and didn’t even hesitate to leave them in order to be with you. Every single time he felt that you needed him, even if you weren’t the one to call him, he’d be there. Like the gentleman he was, he opened the passenger door for you, but held you in place as he took off the scarf he was wearing to wrap it around your neck. It was foreign—yet all so familiar. Being this close in proximity with him; having him give up a clothing item to keep you warm. He always put you first, even before himself. Your happiness made him happy. 

“You’re freezing y/n—still the same—not caring about your health. Silly girl.” 

Your heart rate that was now back to it’s normal pace now felt as if it was about to leap from out of your chest. Jeong Yunho would always have this kind of effect on you, no matter how long it’s been. A tiny smile rose upon your face as you sank down in the passenger seat and thanking him softly. After closing your door, he quickly jumped in to his side and began reversing out of the parking lot. 

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of the most intelligent people I know, but staying out past 11, knowing you’re going to walk home by yourself? Do you not understand how dangerous that is y/n? You don’t know just how long he was probably following you for. You—he could’ve kidnapped you and—I don’t even want to think about it. He’s lucky I wasn’t there—I—let’s not talk about this anymore. I’m so pissed off—“ 

Seeing his jaw clench as his fingers tightened around the steering wheel sent a fire to your bones. Yunho was known to be a very happy-go-lucky individual. His friends even gave him the nickname golden retriever because of how energetic and friendly he was. You could count the amount of times he’s gotten angry on one hand. He was a firm believer in not wasting life on negative moments. However, you understood why he was so furious. Now that you were safe, you actually began to think about the entire horrific situation. 

What was the man’s intentions? How long was he following you for? How long did he plan on following you for? Where did he come from? Yunho was right, what’s done was done—there was no point in dwelling on it right now. All that mattered was that you were safe. The rest of the car ride was extremely quiet. Neither of you said anything else; you know there was a lot that he wanted to say. You had a lot on your mind also—but you didn’t think you had the right to say anything. You were afraid of walking on eggshells and making things worse between you two. It didn’t take long for him to reach your apartment structure seeing as how close you were an hour earlier. 

You tried to look at his facial expression in the rear view mirror and it was blank. Being with him for so long, you were confident that he was fuming—hearing you freak out over the phone probably shook him up pretty good as well. You were sure that even if it happened to anyone else, he would’ve had the same reaction. Once he parked in a stall and turned off the car, you felt a weight sink on your shoulders. This was your cue to leave—before you’d say anything you’d regret and end up losing him forever. 

“Yunho, I could never thank you enough for what you did tonight. You literally saved my life. Thank you. Thank you so much—If there’s anything I can do to show my gratitude, please let me know. I—you—we—I should go. Please get home safely.” 

Before you could give him any time to say something, you ran out the car and made a beeline to your apartment. The tears were hot on your face as they fell down your cheeks. 

Stupid, stupid girl. He saved your life tonight and all you could give him was that pathetic half assed thank you? 

It was just too much. Being with him. Sitting in a car with him knowing that you’re broken up. Trying your best not to lean over and kiss his cheek—ruffle his hair or intertwine your hands in his like you used to. It was just too much for your heart to take in one night. Right as you made it to your apartment, you let yourself in and barely shut the door before sinking down and sobbing in to your hands. 

I’m so sorry. I made a mistake. I should have never broken up with you. I’m still so head over heels in love with you. You deserve so much better than me. It took being followed and stalked for me to realize just how lucky I am to have you—to have had you. 

Those words were at the back of your throat, but they couldn’t come out. You didn’t deserve to say those things. Not after everything you put him through. Not when his best friend called you at two in the morning begging you to change your mind; telling you that Yunho was crying every single day since the break up—asking Mingi to help him be a better boyfriend to you. Asking him what he could have done to prevent you from leaving. Not when he sent you a bouquet of sunflowers on your first day back teaching even if you were no longer together—not when he texted you the first week after the breakup asking you what he did wrong and why you didn’t tell him about what you were feeling sooner. 

You always knew the love Yunho held for you was the kind of love you thought could only exist in books and movies. A love that so many people craved and desired to experience at least once in their lives. How lucky were you to have been able to find somebody who loves you and thinks the entire world of you like Yunho did. Why didn’t you try harder? Why did you let him go so easily? Why did you wait so long to come to this realization? 

Your chest began to heave and you felt like you were actually going to throw up. Your head was throbbing and you couldn’t breathe. When you heard a gentle knock on the door, you froze—deep down you already knew who was on the opposite side. You just weren’t ready to explain why you were crying. Yes—after everything that happened with the stranger, you were probably scarred. But you forgot all of that—the only thing that you could think about was the beautiful boy of the outside of your apartment. 

“Y/n—please—please open up. Y/n. Please—“ 

A part of you hesitated—the part that was worried about what would happen once you did open the door. You were afraid of acting on instant; saying something you shouldn’t or doing something unlike you in the heat of the moment. However, it was extremely cold outside and he already gave you his scarf. Plus, it was the least you could do for him after all that he did for you. 

As soon as you opened the door, he wasted no time in placing both his hands to either sides of your face and smashed his mouth against yours; not giving you any chance to react. His lips were chapped—they were rough against yours and albeit a bit cold from the cool air outside. For the first couple of seconds, you were still in shock by his sudden movements. Honestly, you had no idea how to react. Everything was happening all at once; he continued to suck harshly on your mouth, licking and sucking your bottom lip. 

Kissing Yunho had to be one of your favorite things to do with him; he was such a passionate kisser and he had the cutest heart shaped lips. He was also the type to ask you for a kiss—that’s just how much of a gentleman he was. Although you’ve told him many times that you were fine with him kissing you whenever he wanted, he still felt the need to get your permission. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you or cross any lines that he shouldn’t. 

Right as you finally came to your senses and decided to respond to the kiss, he abruptly pulled away. His heavy breathing filled the room and just by his body language, he had to be feeling uncomfortable with your lack of response. You could feel your stomach sink when he began to walk away from you and started to pace back and forth from your sofa to the dining room table. Why did you keep having to make things worse? Why did you keep hurting the man who obviously still held feelings for you? 

Although you wanted him to make the next move, you refused to allow him to beat himself up about how you were acting towards him. Yunho had a tendency to overthink and sometimes overreact. He hated that trait, but he couldn’t help himself. Yunho was the definition of a people pleaser. Even when people were mean to him, he still treated them with the upmost kindness. The beautiful boy in front of you had not a single mean bone in him. 

Sometimes, you wished that Yunho grew thicker skin and wasn’t so naive about the way people would take advantage of him. It always broke your heart whenever he’d come home defeated after one of the doctors he’d work alongside would make a negative remark about him—or when his professors would give him a low grade for assignments. Hesitantly, you took a couple of steps toward him—slowly, in order to get a sense of how he was feeling. He didn’t stop you; he stood still as though he too was waiting to see what you would do. 

“I’m sorry—I—I shouldn’t have come in—I should’ve just left—I’m sorry for kissing you, that was way out of line. I just couldn’t think straight. When you called me earlier, I—I thought I was hallucinating. Your ringtone; I thought Mingi was messing with me. So when I heard your sweet voice, I was over the moon. I thought maybe—just maybe you couldn’t continue living without me because God knows what a train wreck I am without you. But I was quick to notice your broken whispers and let me tell you—that had to be the scariest fifteen minutes of my entire life. Like I said, the thought of losing you—I would go insane. Which is why I had to come back here and make sure you got in safely.”

“Yunho—“

“It’s not a coincidence. God knows we need one another. Although I could have done without you going through all of that, maybe this was meant to happen so that we would accept the fact that we’re not happy. Well, at least I’m not. Haven’t been since the break up. Hugging you—holding you in that convenience store, it made me realize that life is too damn short for us to keep pretending as if nothing is wrong. For us to keep living a life that the other one isn’t in. You called me first—I’m not stupid and you don’t have to confirm it; I know I was probably the first person you called. You could’ve called your family or even one of the guys, but no. You called me. It’s because you know you can trust me. You know that I would go to the ends of this earth to keep you safe. To protect you and keep you out of harms way. I don’t know about you, but I’m sorry—I can’t keep living without you anymore. I’m not even living; I’m just existing. Every single day is nothing short of depressing. You’re my lifeline y/n. My purpose. Everything I do, I do it to make you smile. To make you happy. To take care of you, to provide for you and to make sure you’re experiencing nothing but the best life. It’s what you deserve. I just want you to be happy y/n, even if that means I can’t be the reason behind your happiness—“ 

Neither you or Yunho were ready for what you did next, but it all felt so natural; getting on your tip toes, reconnecting your lips together—all the while your arms snaked around his waist, pulling him as close to your body as you possibly could. Being followed by a stranger for over twenty minutes—that felt all too real. Fear always felt so real. But this, being back in the arms of the person you loved more than life itself; it felt like you were dreaming. It was too good to be true. 

Yunho wasted no time in deepening the kiss, returning his hands back to your face—as if he was making sure that you were actually there and not a figment of his imagination. You could feel tears falling down your cheek, but they weren’t yours. There were only four times you ever saw Yunho cry in your nine years of knowing him. The first time was when he found out his grandfather had cancer, the second time where he sprained his ankle during a soccer game in junior year, the third time Christopher Robin together and the fourth time, when you told him you were leaving. 

Nothing hurt more than seeing him cry; he always put others before himself—he was always smiling and tried his best not to show any other feeling than contentment. As much as you wanted to continue making out with him, there were things that needed to be said. Slowly, you pulled yourself away from Yunho; bringing both your hands up to his face to gently wipe the tears away. His eyes were watery and quickly turning red which tugged so tightly on your heartstrings. He gave you a soft smile—your movements obviously had a good effect on him. 

You reached for his hand and brought him towards the couch, allowing him to sit as you stood in between his legs. He looked at you in curiosity; probably wondering why you weren’t sitting down to which you gave him a simple shrug. Grabbing for your hands, he intertwined his fingers with yours and squeezed it—encouraging you to say whatever it was that he knew had to be on your mind. 

That’s something you admired about the beautiful boy in front of you, he was very observant and he was an amazing listener. You brought one of his hands up to your mouth and left a chaste kiss on it, earning the sweetest little smile he could muster up in a situation like this. After a couple of minutes just enjoying the peaceful silence between the two of you, you decided to tell him what you’ve been wanting to say right after the breakup. 

“You’re right. You were the first person I called. You were the first person I thought of, even before my parents. They’re actually not here right now, but even if they were, I still would’ve called you. I know, I was stupid and I should’ve kept track of the time, but I genuinely haven’t been myself since that night. Right after you left, I felt as if a part of me died. Probably the happiness—the part that received so much love, affection, consideration, trust, hope—I am happiest with you, you know that. You never fail to make me smile. No matter how hard my day could get, just the mere thought of you made even the worst days so much better. I could do anything with you by my side. But, I let the negative thoughts get to me. We were fighting all the time—we hardly got to see each other towards the end of our relationship and when we did, I hated being around you. Not once did I ever feel that way. Maybe it was because I felt as if I was no longer a priority to you or because I felt like a burden. I felt as if our relationship was ruining the both of us and you didn’t seem to notice. Maybe you did but you just didn’t care—“

“I did notice. How could I not? You’re on my mind every single second of the day. What you’re doing, how you’re doing, if you’re eating all your meals on time, if you’re overworking yourself, if you’re staying hydrated and drinking at least eight cups of water a day—what I can do to make you laugh, if you’re thinking about me. I noticed we were growing distant but I didn’t want to say anything in fear of upsetting you. I thought that if I gave you your space, things would settle down and maybe you would come to me and talk to me when you were ready. Damnit, I should’ve said something as soon as I noticed the change—I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve tried harder—“ 

Hearing him blame himself for the entire situation made you all the more frustrated with yourself. He was probably beating himself up about this for the last two months, thinking he was at fault for the fall of your relationship. Neither of you were to blame. Time wasn’t always in either of your favors but you did your best to make it work. You shook your head and cupped his cheek, releasing a sigh of relief when he leaned in to your palm. You really did not deserve Yunho; he deserved so much better and yet you were selfish. All you did was take, take, take because he was so quick to give. Little did you realize how much of a terrible human being you were for thinking he was the bad guy. 

Not only did you not try harder in fighting for your relationship—but you weren’t making time for him either. You weren’t checking up on him to see how he was doing. Everyone knew medical school was extremely tiring and you didn’t even try to encourage him or support him. Sure, you were just as tired as he was but that wasn’t an excuse. He must’ve been so sad and so lonely. 

“No. Don’t you dare blame this on yourself. We weren’t always the best at communicating but that’s also because we never really had anything to argue or disagree on. You are an amazing person Yunho. You’re so kind, patient, understanding—so caring, loving, considerate, comforting and generous. You literally risked a speeding ticket to make sure I was okay—“

“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat—“ 

You playfully pinched his cheek at the interruption before grazing your thumb right below his eye. He needed to know how sorry you were, how he didn’t deserve all the pain and the grief you’ve put him through. He needed to know that you were well aware that the breakup was an extremely terrible brief lapse of judgement on your end and that if you could go back in time to change things, you would. 

“I’m sorry. I knew I was putting you through hell—all the fights were so stupid. I was the one who started most of them and I did it because I felt neglected. I felt like that was the only way to get your attention. I don’t understand where it all went wrong. But I’m sorry for not trying harder. I’m sorry for making it seem like you were the problem. I think it also stemmed from me being upset with myself and taking it out on you. You didn’t deserve any of that at all. I’m so, so sorry Yunho. I didn’t mean anything that I said that night and no, not once did I ever stop loving you. If anything, being away from you made my feelings grow if it’s even possible. I never loved anyone nor will I ever love anyone even half as much as I love you Jeong Yunho. Living without you, waking up to a cold and empty bed, not receiving your extremely cute and endearing messages, not being able to come home and fall apart in your arms when life got too hard—just not having you around—I was miserable. Waking up became a chore. I’m half—one fourth of myself without you. I can’t believe it took some very crappy misfortune for us to end up here. I should came to you the next morning when I began ultimately regretting my decision. Like you said, it was meant for tonight to happen. I don’t think I can go one more day not having you in my life. Please forgive me—please—love me again.” 

Wasting no time in pulling you on to his lap, Yunho silenced your many negative thoughts with a few chaste kisses; every single kiss melted your heart in to a puddle. He flicked your forehead earning a loud hiss from you in response before kissing the same spot and placing his forehead against yours. 

“I never stopped either. How can I? You’re literally engraved in to my whole being. I knew we were made for one another the second you introduced yourself to me and I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot. I will admit, the night you told me you wanted to end things, I felt as if my soul was yanked abruptly from my chest. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I forgive you—I know we both made mistakes, but it’s apart of the growing process. Deciding to let you go was probably the stupidest choice I’ve ever made. But what could I have done? You were so adamant on breaking up, I just assumed you fell out of love with me. It happens, I just didn’t think it would happen to us. Promise me that this time will be different. If something is wrong, if you feel neglected, if I put too much stress on you, if there’s any issue, you need to tell me. Okay? I refuse to keep living without you anymore. Life—life is a precious thing, we can’t waste it on being unhappy.” 

You leaned in to him, resting your head on his shoulder and placing a delicate kiss on his nape. He hummed softly before running his hands along your sides, something he did if he was either filled with anxiety and needed to calm down, or horny. 

“I promise—and you need to do the same. Tell me if I’m ever mean to you or if I do something you don’t necessarily care for. I want you to run to me whenever life gets too much for you to handle. I want you to feel as safe and comfortable with me as I am with you. I want to make you happy in the ways you make me. Relationships are a two person commitment. Whenever you need me, I’m here. Always.” 

Stealing a quick his from the corner of his mouth, you stood up and motioned your head towards your bedroom, earning you the most adorable, devious smirk that never failed to set your bones on fire. 

“Thank God, all these love confessions, how beautiful you look right now and just the fact that you’re in my arms made me hard—“

“I was actually feeling a little bit tired—“ you giggled at how quick his body was to deflate against yours. 

“Babeeeee, come on it’s been three months too long. A man can only jack off so much—“

“I’m kidding. I’ve missed you just as much as you’ve missed me. I’ve missed mini Yunho even more—“

“Oh I know you didn’t just call me small—“

“And if I did?” 

He squeezed your hips before standing up and pulling you with him; throwing you over his shoulder and making his way towards your room. A soft yelp fell from your lips as he slapped your butt all but gently, before laughing to himself at the mix of a grunt and a moan that emitted from your mouth. 

“Ah, by the way—“

“Hmmm?” 

He practically threw you on to the bed in excitement, both from the many months of zero intimacy and the fact that the two of you were back together again. Your boyfriend wasted no time crawling up to you and hovered over you; placing both his hands on either side of your head. His face that held such a lustful and hungry expression was now much more soft and filled with love. 

“We’re getting married tomorrow.” 

Your eyes widened in shock and disbelief at his sudden revelation. Surely before the breakup, you’ve wondered why Yunho had yet to propose. Out of your friend group, the two of you were the only ones settled down, but everyone in your family—all your cousins were getting married and having children. Although you were content with how things were with Yunho, the topic was always at the back of your mind? 

He made comments about how excited he was to marry you one day, but he never really acted on his words. It made you wonder what was preventing him from asking you those four romantic words. But you never wanted to push him or make him feel as though he had to marry you because everyone else was. You were fine with waiting however long it took him to pop the question. 

“After what happened tonight, I realized that anything can happen. Life’s too short baby. I need to finally make you mine. My wife that is. I uh—I actually already have the ring. I’ve had it for over a year now. I know what you’re going to say—and after we broke up, I regretted not asking you sooner. I guess I was afraid of a negative reaction. I know I’ve always talked about marriage but I never knew how you felt. I’ve known it from even before we started dating that I want to be the lucky man who gets to love you and be loved by you for the rest of my life. You’ve made my life so much happier just by being in it. You are my person y/n and it would make me the happiest person on earth if you were to marry me. I won’t propose right now—not only will I not hear the end of it from you for not being more romantic, but the longer I look at those pretty eyes of yours, the more I can literally just jizz in my pants and that’s not the way I want to release tonight—“

“You never fail to make the most romantic moments unnecessarily sexual. Oh Jeong Yunho, what am I going to do with you—“

“Anything you want to baby. Well, getting married to me would be the most ideal, and then maybe helping me with the problem in my pants as celebration—“ 

Preventing him from making any more sexual innuendos, you pulled his face down to yours and kissed him as hard as you could. You bit his bottom lip and sucked on it a little rougher than expected. However, his raspy moan against your mouth sent heat straight to your core. Before things could get too hot and heavy however, you abruptly took your lips away from his and pressed your finger against his mouth to prevent him from whining or making any comments. 

“Yes, I’ll marry you Jeong Yunho. God, I love you so much. Thank you for coming back to me.” 

He beamed down at you—his adorable gummy smile had to be one of your favorite things about him and that said a lot seeing as how you loved every little thing about him. 

“I love you more y/n. Now, as much as I love listening to you talk, I love hearing you scream even more. Let me show you just how excited I am to spend the rest of my life with you.”

[thisgoldendream]

This will be a difficult post. I never was a “big” blog by any means, and following my hiatus for nearly two years, the number of people who will see this is limited. My blog was highly niche after all. I also never wanted pity or to stir the pot. And I’ve always been scared of what kind of attention it’d draw.

But I feel this might be… necessary catharsis. There was a main reason, and some others I decided to do this.  I need to say why.

Apologies in advance for incoherence, and just how stupid it sounds... I do not profess myself a writer nor the best with words. It will be rambling. But I’ll try to explain the best I can because I finally need to.

I’ve had drafts about a particular vile situation sitting by that I hesitated to say anything on, since I’ve found keeping silent and pretending everything is okay and remaining unperturbed is what is typically the best course of action when dealing with trolls. And I’d rather settle things privately. Which I tried. Several times to no avail. But … silence only benefits abusers.

The primary reason is a situation that has been, mindbogglingly, having gone on for six years. All identifying information will be redacted. Many of the blogs do not exist anymore. I’ve also archived quite a bit so if this individual does cause me more strife, I will no longer have any mercy.

Many years ago there was an acquaintance—all they deserve to be called--I encountered on this site who’d message me. They’d be active on tumblr all day, and get a lot of anons flooding the dash, and once I saw them getting harassed by one and defended them. Thing is, after that I started to receive such messages from a mysterious anon and they’d complain about getting them on discord -right after- I’d get the message so it was obvious they were the perpetrator. Easy solution was to block the anon. (Those messages...somehow led to some other individual dogpiling me, but I’ll focus on the primary can of worms). Their dms were… odd and sent a lot of unsolicited fics and bragging about real life milestones that they’d end up contradicting months later. I and others who were exposed to it chalked it up to them being harmless and maybe lonely. Some of it was a bit amusing.

Eventually their many lies and penchant for drama led them to be banned from a discord and I blocked them on this site. One would hope most people take a hint at that and leave well enough alone and move on.

Not this person. Despite seemingly moving onto other things, they… keep coming back. With sock puppet after sock puppet after sock puppet.

In 2018 I noticed a blog re-blogging one of my gifs with a name that sounded vaguely familiar; it was one of this person’s many, many RP blogs. A musical-focused one. This was after I had translated Toma’s route in Library Cross and they were doing their typical talk to themselves on anon thing—having apparently watched my translation they acted like they played it, and apparently didn’t get the actual gist of what happened in the route or what the game was even like, which frustrated me. I messaged them correcting them and asked them to stop and they deleted the post and left a guilt trip message about “going through a hard time,” a pattern they always continue with when caught. To illicit pity and make the victim feel bad for them.

But what really sickened me was an “OC” of theirs I saw, using the same name I go by—Erika--that looked horrifically just like the picture I once foolishly posted in a discord they had been in, and well. It made me sick. I don’t know what to call it except pseudo skin walking and obscenely creepy.

Needless to say it greatly demotivated me from posting translations, scans, and other such things I really enjoyed sharing.

Now I confided in only two people who knew full extent of what this person’s about. But this was beyond that. I blocked just about any adjacent account of theirs I could find – discovering just how many sock puppets and fake identities they had – their disturbing preoccupation with pregnancy often a tell and hoped that’d be the end of it after privately calling them out.

For my own peace of mind I started using analytics on my blog to try to identify when this particular person and this person alone might show up; observe a pattern. I once again naively thought they’d get the hint and that all the blocks would work. In time, I pretty much narrowed down who they were. And they weren’t from the country they say they’re from, surprise to no one.

A good opportunity came about in 2020 when I was encouraged to join an otome translation group … something I’d thought about but was too timid to do, and just worried because of the previous treatment and attitudes towards characters I like on here; the more “problematic” ones lol. The rules were to work on the project you were once a week and I could be involved with Otome and enjoy playing Amnesia World alongside while translating lines. It was a win-win in a way, even if I wasn’t active on my blog.

In 2021 I saw suspicious IPs once again on my blog… and lo and behold saw some blank blog follow me which I sadly grew dubious of because of that person’s endless sock puppets. I snapped and messaged them to leave me alone once again and they denied it and once again said “they were going through a hard time,” and rambled about how they were “healing,” and said they wouldn’t bother me again.

Natural a lying liar lies, and they came back in the summer as the analytics warned me. I set my blog to login only and hid it from search engines and blocked any blank blogs that tried to follow.

I rarely logged back in on tumblr until fall of 2022, and I saw much to my happiness … some people still were liking some of my old stuff so I thought of keeping it around as a warehouse of sorts or if I ever felt like posting again.

But in early February… the same documented IPs from 2021 were on my page. Again. I blocked a blank blog, set it to private, and the next day a new one followed me again. With a similar title to my own this time? Yeah, I’ve had enough.

I’m not this person’s only victim. They infect and repeatedly act like this in just about every fandom they’ve moved onto. But I only feel comfortable telling my story.

I wised up and have kept many, many receipts and archives beyond what I have here. You’ve hurt a lot of people. And to that individual, now that I have nothing to lose and you can’t steal my content any more. If you do interact with this, you will be revealing yourself--because I will dump all I have. I was kind enough to not post identifying info but I will not be any longer. None of this is tagged with anything identifying or relevant to fandoms, either. So if you interact or come back, I will no longer have lenience...you deserve none.

My final say on this is, since it’s obvious there’s mental illness involved, I feel it’s imperative I state that I have much empathy for people struggling with mental illness. I have my own turbulent struggles with anxiety and depression. It isn’t fun. There are probably very few who DON’T struggle.

However, I draw the line malignant people who use it as a shield to excuse their harmful actions, then try to manipulate their victims.

In the sincerest way possible, go outside and get actual help.

I’ve gone to therapy to try to overcome my struggles and social anxiety. The most powerful thing I was told that my past of bullying haunted me like a shadow and to go forth with my head held high and be myself. But this affair...sadly taught me some people are out to get you.

Also... to anyone who read this, this is very, very abnormal behavior and not likely to happen to you.

Typing all this, trying to explain it...hurt my brain. I can’t even make sense of it.

---

Beyond… freeing myself from the aforementioned situation, there were other reasons I just don’t feel like continuing anymore.

Fall of 2020 and into 2021 was an incredibly hard time personally for me. I went through three really difficult losses. I haven’t really felt like the same person since. Despite therapy and grief groups...it really doesn’t feel like something you can talk about. Because from my experience, confiding in people about the trauma... reminded them of their own personal struggles. It’s been a very lonely road.

And fandom now… I just feel I don’t belong in it. At least, in the west… since I was young I always found solace in my nerdy hobbies and chiefly viewed it as entertainment. Not something to strive for in reality. When I was a kid, “don’t do what you see on TV” was common sense. “Videogames make people violent” was baseless fear-mongering. Articles in gaming magazines about Christians decrying Pokémon as satanic and churches in the south destroying merch. Ridiculous. But it seems now—especially born from this site, it seems we’ve come full circle. “If you like villains you support it IRL,” this sort of sentiment seems so widespread… and the same meme and meme format posted over, and over again, recycled and reused, from fandom to fandom, same premise. And the energy people put onto things they dislike versus what they actually love is something I’ll never understand.

This platform is very good for hosting all forms of media, much better than twitter for longhand writers and translations. But ...I despise it, how its staff ignores countless abuse reports, lets malefactors do whatever they want, and get away with it. Twitter has its own massive host of problems, but at least the phone number authentication and account lockouts slow it some.

In the past, I loved fandom for transformative works. People creating beautiful arts, writings, and ideas.  The more ideas and diverse, the better. Not the same opinion ...or headcanon spread as fact to the point it’s accepted as canon, over and over again. And when people are afraid to create things for fear of being harassed or having something other than the “popular” fandom opinion, it becomes a stagnant echo chamber.

And although I found translating for the otome group was nice…I noticed from the spreadsheet I was the only one signing in and working on it for over a year when I was on the project. And once the related project ended up being canceled due to localization, I asked what about the one I was working on… and received no reply. From anyone. I gave it two weeks. Nothing. Being ignored like that… stung. I never felt like I was terribly welcome and that confirmed it.

I’m tired. I’ll probably always enjoy otome, but I think from now on… I’ll do it quietly and on my own. Without judgment for liking the “wrong” fictional pixel men. Because that’s what it is. I just find it so...trite. I’m tired of being walked all over, I’m tired of being afraid what to say, and I know every time an empty blog followed being yet another one of that person’s alts was no way to go. That’s on me. I feel guilty for any innocents I blocked in the process suspecting it was that person... but it messed me up.

If there wasn’t a space for what I liked, I wanted to carve out one—but I don’t have that energy anymore. Provide something for other fans if they liked it. share what I love and have fun. Have some camaraderie…I truly enjoyed that. And especially to those I could call friends sand ramble with in dms without fear, gush about, really you’re the MVPS. It was a lot of fun. I will cherish it… but I could not continue. And I never wanted to burden anyone. Because none of this makes any sense to me. Sorry…

I’ve always wanted to lift others up and encourage others. Even if someone likes a character I don’t, or pairing if they’re nice—there must be something to it I can’t see, whatever floats their boat. These things...really shouldn't be a big deal. Let people enjoy what they enjoy. And others who give someone grief for it… and haunt tags, or belittle you for your hobbies aren’t worth your time. It reeks of insecurity. After all, nobody on tumblr dot com or twitter are an “educator” or superior for having an opinion on videogames. And numbers don’t matter; sure the validation can provide a buzz, but at the end of the day, it’s social media. ...What you enjoy that does.

So to end on a positive note… because I don’t want my optimism to die completely.

Find whatever you like and people who like the same thing, and make them your people. May your creativity flow ever freely. Nothing is more powerful than your own interpretation of the canon, than your own experience with it.

To roughly quote one of my favorite games of all times, “as long as you’re not doing anything wrong and nobody is getting hurt, you should just live proudly in the open.”

Edit: The only reason I’m leaving this and my one past blog title up as placeholders is because honestly. Since tumblr does nothing to limit someone from creating endless blogs and dodging blocks/reports/bans, I wouldn’t have put it past them to well, try to get the blog names. This person since then has tried to add me on Discord twice (which I didn’t... give out) in the previous year a month apart. I just want to move on.

[the-moonlight-reader]

To start this blog off, I'd like to just write a little something about why I created this.

I love reading! But I haven't read anything for quite awhile. Lately though I've got bitten by the book bug! Something I'm quite happy about.

After my boyfriend died last yr from cancer, some of the things I enjoyed just got put on the back burner. Well to be honest I didn't read a lot for quite sometime before that. Some of the kind of books I looked at were art or some creative writing books. But i used to read a lot!

Dean r. Koontz is my favorite writer. A close second is John Saul. As you can tell by those names I tend to read horror and paranormal type of books. I do like other genres. The few books I did read last yr were true historical stories based on where I live on Long island in NY.

But i feel like I've been on a hiatus... Until last week.

At my job (I work at a store), someone left a paperback book behind. Nobody saw who it was and we kept it for quite sometime. Nobody claimed it. It looked so interesting! It's about a paranormal investigation that turns into a mystery. I wanted to see if my library had it. And I found out a few days ago they did! So I went to my library app and downloaded a digital copy of it and another book of supernatural type short stories.

No Humans Involved is the book I was looking for.

Whistling Past The Graveyard is the short story compilation.

At the moment I haven't started either of them. But I will soon. And when I do I will write about it here in my blog.

Oh yeah one more thing. I actually like physical books more the digital ones. I've always loved the feel of a real book in my hand. Digital right now is more accessible to me. My library is quite far. So borrowing from them digitally is just better at the moment.

I look forward to reading more and also getting back to writing in a blog.

Ok coffee time ☕🌞

[vulpiano]

Music Video Making-Of: Brevyn – “Moonbow”

https://vimeo.com/305635092

After an enforced hiatus due to my MacBook dying with no hope of recovery, I was of course delighted to resume video work when I was back up and running again with a new laptop a few months later. I had begun a music video in August 2018 for Brevyn’s “Moonbow” from the Liquid Sunlight EP on Vulpiano Records and finished it in December 2018.

Brevyn, also known as dreamfortress on Rate Your Music and moonsandmelodies on their Tumblr music blog, is a talented electronic artist and a resourceful listener, possessing a wealth of knowledge about all manner of music, including library music and new age. After exchanging conversations on RYM and delighting in their 8tracks mixes, Brevyn released Liquid Sunlight on my netlabel (with bonus tracks!). The imagery of the album was so clear – the ocean, colors, times of day – that the ideas necessary for a corresponding music video came to mind readily.

My workflow for creating a music video that uses outside source material is usually like this:

The artist sends me any reference images, videos, symbols, or typography that I should have in mind when creating the video. Brevyn was great about telling me just what they hand in mind throughout the process:

I feel the bluer shot of the ocean could fit more with a tint of another color e.g. a darker orange to fit the orangeish shots..do you think with some of the clips, e.g. ocean-then-moon, you could have them fade into the next? – As i said, the images already go very good together, but I think blending them in that sort of way would make it even better. I was thinking of the kind of subtler distortion they have in some vhs-inspired images / videos.

I create a Google Doc to place all of this reference material in, as well as the resources I locate or create myself and any other feedback the artist gives me on draft versions of the video so that I have everything in one place

In the Google Doc, I write out some keywords associated with what I should be looking for (example: moon, sunset, tide) to keep in mind when I’m searching

I search on Creative Commons repositories such as Vimeo and Pixabay for any images or videos that I would be allowed to utilize in the music video. CC-BY (attribution) or CC0 / public domain are ideal; I am free to use these assets in a video legally and I do not have to write the creator asking for permission. I feel like it is important to gather more clips than you think you’ll need, but don’t five too far down the rabbit hole of clicking around for interesting clips, tempting as it is, or you won’t get around to making the video!

I paste all the links I find in the above in the document and download any that I am thinking about using. I mark in bold the ones that make it in the final video and note the title and author information so I will have the accurate details for crediting appropriately within the video and in the body of the video’s description.

I keep everything together (inspirational images, font, videos I may use and will use) in one folder on the desktop and backed up on an external drive (I recommend LaCie).

Final Cut Pro is my video editor of choice. I personally find it much more intuitive than Adobe Premiere, even though I use Adobe in many other ways (such as organizing all of my photos in Lightroom and the ever-useful Photoshop for creating graphics).

The next part is a bit trickier to describe: how does one actually make the music video? This is where listening through the track several times and picturing the scene unfolding in your mind comes in handy, along with your own personal techniques. It is important not to over-think it and begin to work; you can always adjust everything later. Here, I thought: how can I tell a story about a relationship between the tides, the moon, and the sunset? How should these elements best flow in-and-out? Lay everything down to fill the length of the song, chop clips up, see what works best. I think it is important to be light on effects the first go-around so that you can hear from the artist what they want to see happen next.

After the initial draft, I then went ahead and made adjustments according to comments from the artist and applied color matching and correction where necessary to give the clips from various sources a unified feel. One of the desired changes was to add VHS effects. I managed to find an amazing and heavily customizable free plugin for FCPX that helped me to achieve just that. This moon phases font filtered through the familiar coral / sunset color throughout the piece also helped to set the tone. I created another draft, got further feedback of other areas where the transitions were a bit too abrupt, and worked until the final piece was complete.

When the video is all finished, I upload it to Vimeo and YouTube and also back up all the associated files on a cloud service as well. I can’t stress how important it is for all video editors to always have back-ups in one or two places of everything they’re working on or finished with, as well as any of your files period! Before my laptop died a few months ago, I had done a back-up of everything two weeks before. As a result, I lost almost no important data. Get into the habit now if you don’t already and it will become second-nature.

There are other approaches I use when the video I make includes material I’ve shot myself, footage generated or manipulated with Processing, or footage from Second Life, but I will hopefully cover these processes in a future post. I hope you found this informative – feel free to comment with any questions or thoughts below.

[historyhermann]

Wonderful library scenes in webcomics and animation

I've done a number of posts on here listing beautiful, stupendous, and amazing libraries. I could list more of those, but I think it would be fruitless, so I'd rather focus on some of my favorite library scenes in animation and webcomics. Here we go!

Zoophobia and reading books

A perfect entry for this post is a scene from one of my favorite webcomics, Zoophobia, by Vivienne Medrano. [1] It ran from August 2015 to March 2016 and was put on hiatus in November 2016 for an indefinite period, pending what she called a "complete reboot" in April 2017. Anyway, there is a library scene in the webcomic in the Zoo Phoenix Academy, within an interspecies sanctuary called Safe Haven, a protected escape for creatures ostracized in the human world, as it is described in the comic. Zill lovingly looks at Kayla, who later becomes his girlfriend. Libraries are not unique to the webcomic, however. In a September 2020 animated short, "Bad Luck Jack," libraries make a reappearance. Jack is helped by his friend, Zill, who catches books before they fall on Jack's head, which is so nice. The value of the library is communicated even in this short scene.

Look how many books are on the shelves! This library, at Zoo Phoenix Academy, is full of books, hopefully, ones that are helpful to the academy's students. Animated Views said that Zill tries to do what he can to cheer up Jack and protect him "from the incoming accidents," and noted that the animation is more family-friendly than Medrano's other animations, but still has strong musical qualities. [2]

"Azarath Public Library" in Teen Titans Go!

After Beast Boy foolishly destroys Raven's spellbook, she has to go to this library to get a replacement. People are seen picking out books for other people, the librarian is stamping books to check them out, and people are sitting at computers, doing work. Just like any public library, but better! When she complains it will take forever to find a book in the library, Beast Boy asks her if she is familiar with the Dewey Decimal System. He later goes to the kids' section and she chases after someone who takes the spellbook. Beast Boy comes to her rescue, saying he has magic powers now but has no pants, and now has a cloak. She then goes on a long journey with him to get the wizard to make her a new book after he accidentally destroys the second copy.

Raven traveling down the escalator to the library

In the end, she gets a new spellbook, thanks to Beast Boy, and gets her powers back. Unfortunately, the book wizard who made the book is still a burrito and is eaten by the patron who destroyed the second copy of the book in the library. Ha. How he is able to create a spellbook while being a burrito is beyond me.

Lydia Lovely in Horrid Henry

While most of the librarians in Western animation are scary, old White women, as I've noted on this blog before, with a few exceptions in series like Welcome to the Wayne (with Clara Rhone), She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (George and Lance), and Mira in one episode of Mira, Royal Detective, Lydia Lovely, is another great example of a librarian. However, even though she is a Black female librarian, it would be wrong to call her a Librarian of Color because she is voiced by Joanna Ruiz, a British voice actress, a White woman, which is deeply problematic. She is the teacher of Henry, the show's protagonist, who goes to the library in the episode "Horrid Henry: Computer Whizz," later posted in June 2020 in a video titled "Henry the Super Geek," and is the librarian in this episode, as she is on "library duty". While Henry struggles to change his grades, he tasks Ms. Lovely with getting a book for him, telling her to keep reaching further and further to get the book, causing the whole stack of books to fall down, almost crushing her! Despite all of this, she gets the book he says he needed, and he comes out of the library.

Luckily, Henry does not come out of this unscathed, but due to his score on the test (5% rather than 0%) he has to do extra homework, ha! Ms. Lovely can't catch a break, however, because, in another episode, he literally knocks a book out of her hand, as she slides away on the slide-ladder when helping in a bookstore, where his mom works. I wish I could point to any other episodes she was a librarian in more episodes, but finding the episodes of this show to watch is tough, as the names of the "full episodes" on the official YouTube channel are different from the listing on Wikipedia and the listings on the show's fandom site.

© 2021 Burkely Hermann. All rights reserved.

Notes

[1] This is related to the fear known as zoophobia or animal phobia, which Wikipedia defines as "an irrational fear or even simply dislike of any non-human animals." In fact, Larry Cruz of CBR wrote that "as the title suggests, animals give Cameron the heebie-jeebies" adding that the citizens of Safe Haven are "very understanding and super-accommodating," despite the fact that it "exists at some sort of pandimensional crossroads." The webcomic list also calls Cameron a "neurotic young human guidance counselor...thrust unwittingly into a world beyond her wildest dreams (and FEARS)." She considered turning this into a webcomic in 2010, with the fandom page for the comic saying it was originally published in 2012, with a plan for over 10 books, but only one book was published before the comic was discontinued, with Medrano hinting at a reboot and retelling the story in a July 2018 Tumblr post. One writer explained that "Medrano began publishing ZooPhobia in 2012, but put the comic on pause by 2016 to focus on her Patreon page and developing Hazbin Hotel." Medrano called the animated short "very special" to her.

[2] Later, after actor Benjamin Diskin shipped together two characters, Ruben "Rusty" and a stag named Autumn, Medrano implied that she would expand their relationship in the next animated short.

Reprinted from Pop Culture Library Review and Wayback Machine

[adrinktostopyourthirst]

M A S T E R L I S T

Recommendations | Answered Asks | Tropes

Entire Library | My Inbox (I swear I’m nice!) | Reviews

⇢ This is a side blog, meaning I won’t be able to respond to all of your replies to my fics. I do however answer asks, chats and occasionally reblog comments [Personal Updates].

⇢ Hiatus and Book Updates.

⇢ All of my works have their warnings at the top. Each of them are considered for an audience of 18+ and contain smut. Read at your own discretion. I do NOT give permission to copy, translate or edit my work on this or any other platform.

⇢ DRABBLES

⇢ ONE SHOTS

(Bucky Barnes)

◌ FINALLY - Bucky and you have a hard time staying away from each other. And though you try to push him away, every time he finds you again, the universe finds a new way to pull you apart.

◌ MY QUEEN - The post-battle energy rush needs a release. Suddenly, there’s a willing soldier at your disposal.

◌ READY TO COMPLY - Something had been missing. But that has nothing to do with your life time enemy standing in front of you to finally end this.

◌ THREE HUNDRED - Bucky always makes sure his best friend is okay, because that is what you need. He’s caring, but very passive and nonchalant, because you need it. Not him. He doesn’t need that. He doesn’t need you. Does he?

◌ FOLLOWING ORDERS - Bucky is always grumpy, so you’ve resorted to being aggressively bossy. But he will show you what following orders really looks like.

◌ SNIPER - Reluctantly, you get thrown into an assignment with Bucky and Yelena, but Bucky doesn’t trust you as far as he can throw you. When he’s proven to be correct, it turns out you’re still a hell of a good team.

◌ RELAX - You have never been so horny in your life and it’s now or never.

◌ DEPRAVED - Bucky catches you naked in the bathroom and you catch the stoic man flustered.

◌ ADMIT IT - A team building exercise that pits you and Bucky against each other. Too bad you’re both competetive and after a prize.

◌ MR. & MRS. BARNES - Bucky and your marriage isn’t what you thought it was at all.

◌ RING RING - Of all pocket dials ever, this might be the very worst.

◌ HEELS - You hate each other, but love competition.

◌ DISMANTLED - You like them on their knees, but this one stands much taller than you.

◌ VARIANT - The chaos of the multiverse is quite literally holding up a mirror to Bucky. Turns out, it’s very easy to get under someone’s skin when you have a universal connection to them.

◌ RULES - A constant power struggle where it seems like either you both win or you both lose. Fighting fire with fire, but passion doesn’t burn out.

◌ WITH MY LITTLE EYE - All the team wants is for Bucky to get a fresh start, but both you and him are still holding grudges. What happens when the grudge disappears?

◌ SHOTGUN - You wear heels on a mission and Bucky, as always, gives you a really hard time.

◌ FRENCH RIVIERA - You and Bucky are both agents, but you get extremely pissed at your friend when he seems to have screwed up everything he did to try and turn his life around.

◌ SATISFIED - Drunk sex with Bucky.

◌ ABANDONED - Bucky has left, just like everyone else. But you’re just pissed enough to track him down and ask him why he ever dared to leave you by yourself, only to find out the Bucky you know isn’t quite there.

⇢ TWO PARTERS

◌ STING | FLING - Your tattoo artist left you hanging and you’re fed up enough to come and collect his excuse.

◌ LOOK AT ME | LOOK AT US - Bucky finally gets to put a face to your voice.

◌ QUIET DOWN | STAY QUIET - You are not, under any circumstances, allowed to wear that.

◌ UNDERGROUND | REBOUND - The Underground is the last way for you to survive whatever is left of the world after the Blip. Natasha introduces you to the Winter Soldier whose wing you’re under until you find your way around. He’s a stoic Underground fighter and you’re… useless.

⇢ SERIES

◌ PRIDE AND PRIVACY completed - Bucky works on himself as he gets used to a roommate. Turns out, she has a much better room than him and he crossed the line.

◌ SPILL IT completed - Both you and Bucky have some very mixed feelings about you. Maybe you can help each other clear things up (PlusSized!Reader).

◌ REBELLION in progress - By some miracle, you get saved from the consequences of your own actions. You’re reluctant to join a supposedly good cause. What happens when the good cause is not so legal? And what - or who - is your soft spot?

⇢ OTHER

(Mob!Bucky and Mob!Steve)

◌ APOLOGIES | COLD - You have no idea how you got here and whether they have captured you, or it’s you who has them captured.

(Nick Fowler)

◌ HIDDEN HUNGER - You try to hide something from Nick and hide Nick from the world, all at the same time.

[writing-for-marvel]

Masterlist theme by @notyouraveragemailman

Ask me anything | Library | Ko-fi

Last updated: 31st October 2023

I am a strictly 18+ blog - minors DNI

Fics are listed newest to oldest in each section

Fics will be fem!reader unless stated otherwise

🔞 - 18+ content (including smut) | 💋 - Kinktober

🌟 - Personal Faves | 🎄 - Holiday themed

🌺 - 1000+ notes | 🌸 - 500+ notes

Series:

🔞💋🌺 Mob!Bucky’s Honeymoon Series Masterlist (18.4k) *complete [Mob!Bucky Barnes x Wife!Reader]

Bucky takes you on the ultimate European honeymoon, where you not only get to explore all the sites, but also each other.

🔞🌟🌺 He’s Hazardous To My Health Series Masterlist (28.7k) *on going [Parademic!Bucky Barnes x Resident!Fem!Reader]

Bucky Barnes is a beefy paramedic with a traumatic past, who has left a trail of broken hearts behind him. You are a resident doctor new to town, who barely has time to date between long shifts. When your paths cross in your ER during a disaster, is it the start of something magical, or are you destined to be just another of Bucky’s former flames?

🌟🌺 Everyone’s Watching Him (But He’s Looking At Her) Series Masterlist (14.1k) *complete [Actor!Bucky Barnes]

The entire world’s eyes are on movie star Bucky Barnes, what he’s wearing, who he’s dating, even the mystery behind why he needs a prosthetic arm - but Bucky doesn’t care about all that, he’s only got one thing on his mind, you.

🔞🌸 It Started With A Smile Series Masterlist (17.6k) *on hiatus [Bridgerton AU Duke!Bucky Barnes]

At the start of the new social season, Lady Whistledown predicts this will finally be the year solitary Duke James Barnes finds a wife. After a chance meeting at Lady Danbury’s ball, can you and the Duke overcome all obstacles thrown in your path by his scandalous past and your overbearing mother insistent against your match?

🔞🌺 Keeping Me Up Series Masterlist (11.3k) *complete [Neighbour!Bucky Barnes]

When Bucky moves in next door, you seem to get much less sleep than when your previous neighbour lived in apartment 4a.

One Shots:

🌺 A Solid Foundation (2.4k) [Builder!Bucky Barnes]

Your best friend suspects your fiancé of having an affair when he starts working late, but Bucky would never cheat on you, right?

🌸 Dear January (1.9k) [Enhanced!Avenger!Reader]

While everyone else is celebrating the new year, all Bucky can think about is his resolution and you, though the two are inextricably linked.

🌺 The Third Wheel (2.2k) [40’s!Bucky Barnes]

When Bucky finally asks you out on a date, the last thing you expect is for his high school crush Connie to also have been invited.

🌸 It’s All In The Eyes (1.3k) [Biker!Bucky Barnes]

When home becomes a person, not a place.

🔞🌟🌺 Nights Like This (1.5k) [FWB!Fuckboy!Bucky Barnes]

There are rules for friends with benefits, and you’ve broken the most important one: don’t fall in love with him.

🌺 Liability (6.7k) [Agent!Reader]

Bucky takes you under his wing when you become the outcast of the new special forces team working with the Avengers.

🌺 If This Is The Last Time (1.3k) [Avenger!Reader]

Bucky finds you bleeding out and he fears it will be his last opportunity to tell you how much he cares.

🌸 Rescue You (3.3k) [GN!Avenger!Reader]

After a mission is compromised, you risk it all to save the one you can’t live without. 

Drabbles:

🌸🎄 In The Margins (717) [GN!Reader]

At first you’re confused by Bucky’s choice of gift for you, until you look a little deeper.

Hold Me Close (100) [GN!Reader]

You love Bucky, particularly through all the pain.

🎄 The Holiday Grouch (833)

Decorating + “What are you looking at?” + “Um, I got you something” + “Your hands are freezing” + “Here, take my coat”

🎄 Eggnog Cake Shenanigans (596)

Mistletoe + “You got a little something, right there”

🌟🎄 Babies First Ice Skate (629) [Dad!Bucky Barnes]

Hat, Scarf and Mittens

🎄 Let’s Stay Inside (613) [Dad!Bucky Barnes]

“You look cold.” + “Can we just cuddle all day?”

Series:

🌟🌸 On The Run Series Masterlist (19.0k) *complete [Ex-SHIELD Agent!Reader]

Your ex-boyfriend Steve Rogers needs somewhere to stay after breaking his friends out of the Raft prison in the Atlantic. After a shocking revelation, you and Steve have to navigate your turbulent relationship while escaping from those that want to see him behind bars.

Two Parts:

At Your Service [Bodyguard!Steve Rogers]

🔞🌺 Part One (2.3k)

As your bodyguard it’s Steve’s job to look out for you, when you find him in a compromising position, it becomes your turn to look after him.

🔞 Part Two (2.8k)

True to his word, Steve makes up for leaving you high and dry the night before.

Rogers Family Recipe

🌸 Part One - The Cookie Edition (1.4k)

Steve is homesick for the 40’s and the best cure is his mothers old chocolate chip cookies.

& Part Two - The Fall Edition (1.5k)

As the season changes to a rustling fall, a new wave of homesickness overcomes Steve.

Fists and Feelings [Boxer!Steve Rogers]

🌸 Part One (1.4k)

Steve comes to your rescue when a creepy man hits on you in the gym.

& Part Two (2.7k)

Steve gets injured during an important match and all you can do is look on helplessly.

One Shots:

Every Step of the Way (1.8k)

After struggling through the entire week, Steve’s there to comfort you when you need him the most.

🌸 Just a Little Late (3.3k) [Avenger!Reader]

He was only five minutes away, but are those the five minutes which prevents Steve from saving you?

We Could Have Had It All (2.6k)

Promises were made, none were kept.

🌺 Is This How It Ends? (4.4k) [Lab Tech!Reader]

Your hopes of Steve reciprocating your love come crashing down when Peggy shows up in the modern world.

🌸 Attention (1.0k) [GN!Reader]

Steve’s sick and craves your undivided attention, problem is, you’re babysitting the Barton kids.

🌟🌸 Stepping On Toes (3.2k) [40's!Steve Rogers]

Despite observing his feelings for Peggy, you couldn’t help but fall for Steve Rogers - then he asks you to teach him how to dance.

🌸 I Can Handle Myself (3.9k) [Avenger!Reader]

Steve is overly protective of you on missions, so much so that it inhibits you from doing your job.

Headcanons:

🌸 Steve Comforting You (1.2k) [GN!Reader]

After having a horrible week, all you want is to be in Steve’s arms.

Drabbles:

🎄 Fondue-ing (742)

Gift giving

🎄 It’s Gonna Cost You One Kiss (557)

“Your hands are freezing” + “Just one more” (kiss)

🎄 Christmas Love Confession (688) [Boyfriend!Steve Rogers]

Christmas bedtime story

🎄 Marriage Actually (639) [Boyfriend!Steve Rogers]

Christmas romance movies

🎄 Best Gift Ever (688)

“I love it...” “No, no you hate it.”

🎄 All I Want For Christmas Is You (856)

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

🎄 Kiss Me Under The Mistletoe (770)

Mistletoe

🎄 Baby It’s Cold Outside (699) [Boyfriend!Steve Rogers]

Hot chocolate + “Here, take my sweater”

The Moment I Knew (512) [Boyfriend!Steve Rogers]

The moment Steve realises he loves you.

One Shots:

That You Wouldn’t Come Home (1.3k) [Avenger!Reader]

Natasha didn’t know this was the last time she would ever see you alive. 

Drabbles:

🎄 The Ugliest Ugly Christmas Sweater (568) [Girlfriend!Natasha Romanoff]

Ugly Christmas sweater

🎄 To Keep Your Hands Warm (630) [Girlfriend!Natasha Romanoff]

“Um, I got you something.” + “Your hands are freezing.”

🌟 Begin Again (638) [What If!Natasha Romanoff x GN!Reader]

Natasha reunites with a long lost love after helping save the multiverse.

Two Parts:

[What If!Peter Parker]

For Me, It’s You - prequel (1.7k) [Mutant!Reader]

Four days over the course of one year which depicts the story of Peter’s love for you.

& 🌟 Can’t Leave You Behind (3.6k) [Zombie!Reader]

Peter does his best to adjust when you get turned into a zombie, but when there’s hope for a cure, will he be able to save you?

One Shots:

Find Me (5.5k)

One day you unexpectedly go missing and Peter’s life starts crumbling before him as he tries his best to find you. 

Drabbles:

Through Every Storm (722) [GN!Reader]

Peter’s touch comforts you during a thunderstorm.

Drabbles:

🎄 Matching Set (585) [Boyfriend!Tony Stark]

Matching pjs

Sitting Still (578) [GN!Reader]

Tony’s injured and you attempt to bandage him up.

One shots:

🔞🌟🌺 Don’t Get Sad, Get Even (2.4k) [Boyfriend’s Roommate!Ari Levinson]

After finding out your boyfriend is cheating on you, you decide to get back at him by sleeping with the one person he was always insecure about throughout your relationship, his roommate.

🔞🌸🎄 Cause That’s When I’ll See You Again (2.5k) [DBF!Ari Levinson]

The one time of year your dad’s best friend is in town is during the holiday season - the perfect opportunity for some no strings attached, filthy sex with a man who actually knows what he’s doing, but year after year it becomes harder to convince yourself you’re only in it for the orgasms.

As You Are (1.7k)

Ari comforts you when you’re insecure about having acne.

🔞🌸 Yearning For You (1.3k)

Ari makes a surprise return home.

One shots:

🔞🌟 Your Hand In Mine (2.6k)

Ransom was never a physically affectionate person, at least, not until he met you.

One shots:

🌟 Perfect to Me (1.5k) [Groomsman!Sam Wilson]

When you feel insecure about your stomach showing in your bridesmaids dress, Sam reveals just how beautiful he thinks you are.

Drabbles:

If I Can’t Have Everything, Then Let Me Just Have You (700)

When Andy gets jealous of you talking with his colleague, you reassure him he’s everything you’ll ever need.

🎄 500 follower + Holiday celebration (drabbles)

Once Upon a Blog (one year blogiversary sleepover)

🔞💋 2023 Kinktober

Fic Tags:

All fic recommendations

Bucky Barnes fic rec | Steve Rogers fic rec

Seb Stan characters | Chris Evans characters

Other Marvel characters | Non Marvel characters

Reading Lists:

2022 Reading Lists

September | October | November | December

2023 Reading Lists

January | February | March | April

May | June | July | August

September | October

[foreverindreamlandd]

✵ Plus Size!Reader (honestly all of them could have a plus size reader, these ones are just specifically written as such)

⬻ Personal favorite

☾ >1k notes

For updates when I post, follow my library blog @dreamlanddlibrary and turn on notifications!

SERIES:

To Be Wanted ⬻✵☾

All your life you have wanted to be loved by someone. But when you don’t look like most “beautiful” women, you learn to stop wanting. You’d never expect someone like the amazing, kind, beautiful Bucky Barnes would desire someone like you. *Finished*

The Sergeant’s Heart ⬻✵

Sergeant Bucky Barnes has just joined the 107th, and he’s keen on learning the ins and outs of war from the best medic in the regiment, you. *Finished*

Out of Bounds

Bucky is captain of the Howlers soccer team and you’re his favorite camera person. That is, when you’re not mindlessly putting yourself in harm’s way for the perfect shot. *Hiatus*

In the Embers ⬻✵☾

It’s been years since you’ve been home, and you didn’t expect it to be in the aftermath of your life falling apart. Though much has changed over time, one thing has stayed the same: Bucky Barnes is still the boy next door, and there’s no running from him now. *Finished*

Sweeter Than Honey ☾

You're bestselling author Tony Stark's new PA on tour with him in Dublin, Ireland. When things start to go wrong and you end up with a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, a handsome, blue-eyed Irishman named Bucky Barnes comes to your rescue. *Finished*

Awake My Soul ⬻☾

It's been five years since the zombies started invading, and despite everything you've been through, you've survived up until this point. And now you must survive your most dangerous challenge yet...the grumpy, untrusting, captivating Bucky Barnes. *Finished*

ONE-SHOTS:

Mended Fragments

Steve Rogers finds his best friend Bucky Barnes sitting on the floor in a comatose state, and texts you to ask for you to come over and help Bucky fight the demons haunting him.

Endurance Training

You and your super soldier bestie Bucky Barnes are on a run that suddenly turns into a serious conversation that almost pushes the boundaries of your relationship.

Memories ⬻

Five years after Thanos snapped the love of your life to dust, the reader looks back on the time they spent in Wakanda. How you met the broken man who was the Winter Soldier and watched him become the White Wolf.

I’m Here

Bucky supports the reader during a depressive episode.

Roses and Plums

Bucky asks you to be his date to Scott and Hope’s wedding.

Happy Birthday, Buck ⬻

Reader decides to spend a year celebrating all of the birthdays Bucky missed over the last 70+ years.

Beach Day ⬻✵☾

Beach days are always uncomfortable for you, especially when you decide to show off your new two-piece bathing suit in front of your friends. Your best friend and secret crush Bucky Barnes seems to like it more than you thought he would… (College!AU)

Hurricane, Shmurricane

Reader wishes that Bucky could be there to ride out Hurricane Henri together.

Need more of that blue in my life

Reader discovers she’s pregnant, and the reaction from her husband Bucky is not what she expected.

Tagged to Your Heart

The story of when Bucky gave reader his dog tags.

Pumpkin Carving

Drabble request about Bucky and reader carving pumpkins!

The Red Henley ⬻✵

Reader puts on Bucky’s red henley which brings up a whole mess of insecurities.

More Than Words

All the ways Bucky says he loves you just with his body language. (Headcanon)

Dropped Pens & Bee Stings

Reader is having a shit day, but luckily her boyfriend Bucky gets there just in time for when the dam breaks.

Just Need a Hug ✵

Reader’s boss is a POS, and Bucky is not gonna let that slide.

Forget Me Not ⬻

Bucky is in Wakanda working with Shuri to wipe out the remnants of the Winter Soldier, and to wipe out any memories he has of you…

Sick Day

Bucky cares for an under the weather reader. (Headcanon)

All That’s Left ⬻

After years of being on the run from everyone, all Bucky had to his name was a backpack containing his most precious belongings. But when he was captured, it was taken, and all he wants is to get it back.

Snoopy and the Cadillac ⬻

It’s your first Christmas after Steve decided to leave you to spend his life with Peggy, and all you wanted to do was stay as far away from holiday cheer as possible. But then a familiar face shows up at your door and changing everything.

Let me take care of my sweet girl ✵

Reader has body image issues during the holidays, and Bucky is just the best.

Food, Bed, or Bath?

Reader and Bucky’s welcome home routine when he returns from missions. (Headcanon)

My Heart in Full Bloom

Bucky simply cannot live with the fact that you have never been given flowers before…

The Dream Within Each Petal

Bucky’s reaction to Reader giving him flowers

Whatever Happens, Wherever I Go

You wake up to a voicemail from Bucky, and suddenly your worst nightmare has become a reality.

Needy

Bucky has a love/hate relationship with you working from home. He LOVES that you're with him 24/7, but HATES that sometimes you're forced onto a zoom call and he can only look, not touch..

don’t wanna leave

A tender, bittersweet moment where Bucky and reader dance together in the kitchen. Inspired by the song “ceilings.”

Main Masterlist

Artwork by the masterful @charlie-hunnam

[moonlight-prose]

ETERNALLY YOURS / snippet

a/n: so i've been working on several things while on a posting hiatus and one of them is yes a druig series!! i haven't actually been this in love with anything since i began tumblr so i'll be keeping this series to myself till it's finished entirely. official posting probably won't be until the film is out on disney + so i don't accidentally spoil anyone.

but seeing as how i haven't posted anything and won't till next month here's a small piece of chapter one!!

reminder i don't have tags anymore, but you can follow my library blog @moonlights-library!

word count: 1.3k+

pairing: druig x fem!reader

warnings: none in this snippet

Eternity is a long time to love someone.

You never did quite get eternity. Not yet at least, but you did get more than that. Days turned to months which turned to years and eventually you realized how long you had inhabited the place you once refused to call your home. Fate had a cruel way of doing just that. Placing you in a situation where you knew you didn’t quite belong, and yet something - or someone - kept you there.

For you it was him.

Unable to leave his side even though he chose a path you didn’t wish to follow. Yet there was that constant ache that continued to fester like an open wound, growing until it consumed you whole. Until there was nothing but the blood that he had spilled, poisoning your veins and forcing you to remain right where you were.

Waiting for him to come back to you.

One day.

Eternity was a long time to love someone and yet you had promised to do just that. Love him until each star in the universe faded away, till each planet no longer remained intact. If only he had made the same vow as you, then perhaps you wouldn’t have ended up in this situation.

Perhaps you wouldn’t have become lost.

985 BC; 3,000 Years Ago

“You mean to tell me that you’ve visited this planet?” you asked, gazing at the map that gathered together in the air. Bits and pieces floating past your face caught your attention as he turned to the next page, shifting the view until you were staring at the land of this place you’d never heard of until now.

Slopes and valleys became mountain ranges; expanses of crystal blue water with waves that crashed to the shores of sandy beaches showed. It was a planet with little intelligence, something that he had called human, but still you remained fascinated by it all. Each myth, mystery, and tale that you discovered you devoured as if you’d never heard of something so interesting. For someone who had been raised in a palace as a warrior, you’d seen your share of things, but this...a planet that housed a people who were still developing.

That procured an emotion within you that you had never felt before.

It wasn’t curiosity. Far from it. Yet you couldn’t get it out of your mind that you knew this place would be far different than what you’d seen before. Call it an inkling or even a vision, but you felt something pulling you there and perhaps it was a mistake. You very well might have finally lost it, yet that was something you had to figure out for yourself. A discovery that would force you into a new state of mind.

One you were willing to go to extreme lengths to find out.

“It’s not much,” he said, turning to yet another page. “I’ve heard things since the last time I set foot on that land, but I can’t say for certain if any of it is correct.”

“Odin,” you said with a smile, pulling the book in your direction to go back to the image of the oceans. “You say that about each planet. As if that will make me lose my interest.”

He paused, regarding you with a look you’d seen a thousand times before. “I can see what you are after..”

“And what is that?”

“Purpose.” His words jarred you in a way they hadn’t before, because he was more correct than you would ever admit. Although something told you that he knew why you visited multiple planets, why you searched the realms for things unknown to even him. “You may not find it there.”

“What if I do?” you asked, unable to tear your eyes away from the page before you.

“That is for you to determine on your own,” he replied, setting something down onto the table before him. A piece of jewelry you’d seen him wear before and yet you never asked him about it - figuring the answer would be far too mundane for the likes of your mind.

“I’m not sure if going is the best option for me,” you whispered, shutting the book and latching it shut. “I search for it and yet...nothing seems to hold my attention.”

“Is it supposed to?” Settling into the chair he focused on the way you held yourself. Shoulders straight like a warrior, like he had taught you, but there was something within your stance that told more than you liked. “You’re afraid.”

“That obvious?”

“Why?”

The question was something you didn’t hold an answer for and yet even as you stood there, a hand still pressed to the book’s leather bound cover, you knew that you had made up your mind long ago. Long before you learned of this planet called Earth. Why were you afraid? It seemed like such a simple answer. You didn’t want to lose any more hope that there was no purpose to your life. That you did everything you could to end up with empty hands and an even emptier heart.

“What if - what if after all of this...I don’t find what I’m searching for?”

He heaved a sigh of exasperation. One you’d grown fond of hearing and yet it didn’t make you feel any better, because it meant he had grown tired of hearing about your worries. Which was something you understood. The worries you housed within your body seemed to eat away at your soul - tearing you to pieces from the inside out until nothing remained but a lifeless form of you.

“Purpose is not something you find,” he said as if he were merely telling you the details of the weather. “You may search for it, but you will never find it that way.”

“So what?” You tugged at the sleeve of your dress. “I’m supposed to let it find me?”

“If you wish to figure out what that purpose is then yes. You allow it to find you.”

Things seemed so simple when he explained them to you, but of course they would be. Odin had been a father to you for far longer than even you could remember. You understood that you were not born of his blood, knew that Hela was not your sister, but something deep down within you told you he saw you as his child. Just as you saw him as your father. He raised you, taught you the ways of ruling - even if you were to never acquire the throne - and loved you as a father would love his daughter.

“I have to go,” you said softly, brushing your finger down the front of the book, feeling the vibrations of its powers flow beneath your palm.

In a way you understood what his next words would be, but you blame that on your powers peeking their head out. Even though you had promised to never use them against people you couldn’t quite stop them from showing themselves every now and then. He could tell - felt your presence in his mind just like a slight pressure in the back of his head - and he let out yet another sigh.

“You already know what my words will be. Do not pry into my head to search for them.”

“I want to make sure you-”

“You may not be my child, but I will treat you as such. Do what you must to figure out where you lie in this universe, but don’t search for a guide.”

“I just don’t know if this is the right path to take,” you said, pulling your powers back into their space within your head.

“Then find that out for yourself. I cannot tell you.”

The longer you put off the choice of leaving home one more time, the more you would regret never having left sooner. You knew that. Could feel the stirring in your veins at the thought of exploring new terrain and you had even locked away your powers for this decision. If you were to see what came next you would never leave and perhaps that was what spurred your choice to follow your heart so quickly. You wanted to experience this adventure without knowing.

Without the fear of the future looming over you.

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

~*~

Hi! First of all, thank you so much for running this blog, It's become one of three reasons why I haven't yet committed arson (I jest but the Feeling is true). [Hee, hee, hee.] I have a rec for you! It's called "wholesome life usurp immediately" by comfect on ao3 and it's. So good. It's unfinished but the author updates it literally every other day if not faster! It's a lovely fic, I hope you enjoy it. 🌻

Wholesome Life Usurp Immediately

by Comfect (T, 55k, yunmeng sibs, qingli, wangxian, WIP)

Summary: Wen Qing examines Jiang Yanli at Cloud Recesses and has a cure for her poor cultivation.

Now there are Three Prides of Yunmeng.

Everything kind of fixes itself from there.

~*~

hello mojo!! I would really like to recommend standing still (but we keep going) by lwjromantics!! it's really good!!

standing still (but we keep going)

by lwjromantics (justfantaestic) (T, 5k, wangxian)

Summary: Lan Wangji supposed that if having to take care of little A-Yuan and Mo Xuanyu and having to look at the reminders of Wei Ying in their habits and mannerisms was punishment for his actions, he would willingly take it and flay his own back open.

— There are children in the Burial Mounds.

~*~

hii mojo! I just read this cute fic and I loved it so I wanted to rec it :) 

Word Up, Talk the Talk

by Larryissocute (G, 2k, wangxian)

Summary:  It wouldn’t have been a problem (it really wouldn’t) if they weren’t best friends. Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what good deeds he did in his past life to be blessed with Lan Wangji as a friend nor does he know what evil things he did to be cursed with being only a friend to Lan Wangji.

Or the one where Wei Wuxian kisses Lan Wangji and then runs away.

~*~

Hey! Love your account — and proud of you for taking the hiatus you needed.  [Lol - it was really nice!]  Idk if you take fic recommendations, but I'd love to rec Roots by ardenrabbit. Fantastic characterization, I really love it!

Roots

by ardenrabbit (E, 46k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  After Wei Wuxian's duel with Jiang Cheng, he finds that stab wounds aren't so trivial when he doesn't have a core to heal them. He wakes to find Lan Zhan in the Burial Mounds with him, already beloved by the Wens and making himself at home. When Lan Zhan tells him that he wants to stay and offers more help than Wei Wuxian knows how to accept, he fears that it's only too good to be true.

Lan Wangji knows that Wei Ying is doing the right thing, and he couldn't live with himself if he let him do it alone. For everything Wei Ying has sacrificed, Lan Wangji is determined to give something back to him.

Hanguang-Jun has turned his back on the clans to join the Yiling Wens and their demonic cultivator leader, and every clan has a different opinion on the matter.

~*~

Hello! I wanted to rec a fic on ao3 called "Restoration" by jelenedra. It's complete, an alternate universe of the sunshot campaign told nonlinearly. It has strong fairy tale and fae elements, with a touch of mystery. Bit of a fix it. Some delightful one liners, and the final ending imagery is just LOVELY. The fic deserves much more love. There's also some YilingWei, wwx not raised by Jiang, and sentient Burial Mounds elements. Enchanting read that keeps you enthralled and curious and intrigued.

Restoration

by jelenedra (M, 85k, wangxian)

Summary:  They say he was thrown into Luanzang Gang by the man who killed his parents; they say that he is an immortal cultivator who had been in a deep trance until the Wen sect disturbed his rest and incurred his wrath; they say that he is the fierce corpse of a cultivator who had somehow regained his mind and his spiritual powers.

When Lan Wangji sees him for the first time, he understands why people talk.

Meng Yao wants safety. Xue Yang wants vengeance. The Sunshot Campaign wants victory. Yiling Laozu provides, for a price.

~*~

I usually read all your recommendations. Thanks for gathering all good recs of wangxian. I am in love with every single story your recommend especially the favorites. [I’m so glad!]  I just wanted to suggest a fic i came across while searching for phoenix!wwx. Its a new story I think as author has published it today. The first chapter was very interesting that i thought ill recommend it you and know your opinion. The legendary phoenix and his dragon -Devipriya and Hidden Path to Love by ShadowTenshiV

Hidden Path to Love

by ShadowTenshiV (G, 78k, wangxian)

Summary:  Wei Ying is a servant working at the Gusu Lan castle. One day he enters through a secret passage way connected to the library where he meets a Lan for the first time. He may have left quite an impression, gaining the other´s attention and slowly becoming friends. They would like to become something more, but a servant can´t be with a prince, but maybe his secret can change that.

~*~

hello mojo! i was wondering if I could make a fic rec? it’s called “and the calm is deep where the quiet waters flow” by izanyas. it used to be on ao3 but the author has since moved it to eir own website and has started posting updates there. i was wondering if this could also act as a signal boost bc some old readers on ao3 might not have known that it is now on another website.   Author's been through a tough time so I think it deserves a lot more love.

For new readers, please mind the warnings in the prologue and the beginning of each chapter! it’s omegaverse and a very heavy read as it deals with (possible spoiler) off-screen rape that results in an unwanted pregnancy, as well as secondary gender oppression which runs deep, but for people who can bear it the writing, worldbuilding, and emotions are truly spectacular.

and the calm is deep where the quiet waters flow

by izanyas (E, 270k, wangxian, WIP, link is to WordPress rather than AO3)

Summary: Cangse Sanren was the first of her kind to become a cultivator. Talented, passionate, free-spirited, she bested everything that ever came her way until the very end.

Jiang Fengmian refuses to see her son deprived of that same freedom.

~*~

Hello Mojo! I dunno if this's been recced before, but here's another ficrec for you? It's complete, on ao3, "The Third Young Master of Qishan Wen" by KouriArashi. It's 'if wwx was raised by dafan wen, but gets recognized as 3rd heir due to his skill' scenario. Some really nice banter and characterization. Wwx and lz get together before the sunshot campaign. Story follows the live action but diverges into au, and does some cool callbacks to original canon. Love Meng Yao in this!  [Oh, I know KouriArashi from my last fandom, I love her works!]

❤️The Third Young Master of the Qishan Wen

by KouriArashi (T, 139k, wangxian, my post)

Summary:  The fic where Wei Wuxian is adopted by the Dafan Mountain Wens instead of the Yunmeng Jiang.

~*~

Hi Mojo! I can count the number of times I’ve spoken on Tumblr on one hand (I’m shy heh) but I found this fic that I think you and others would really like? I’m a sucker for emotional hurt/comfort and this was just too sweet for me not to share (did I go through 20 pages of bookmarks just to make sure you don’t already have it? Maybe …) [Aww, you can do a sidebar search in the bookmarks for the author’s name.  But I hope you found other good fics by carding through the whole catalog!]  It’s “Close Your Soft Eyes” by timetoboldlygo! I also wanna say thank you for all the hard work you put into this blog! It’s a treasure beyond compare. :D [Thank you so much!]

Close Your Soft Eyes

by timetoboldlygo (G, 12k, wangxian)

Summary:  When Lan Wangji woke, the first thing he noticed was the slip of paper, folded and tucked between his index and middle fingers, not Wei Wuxian’s absence. His fingers trembled as he unfurled the paper. A donkey with a little smile beamed down at him.

-

On the nights that Wei Wuxian was gone, Lan Wangji woke to gifts on his pillow.

~*~

Hey Mojo! I love your blog it is beyond awesome! [Thank you!]  I was wondering if you would consider reading JaenysBloodcourt series "A Bond to Takes us home"? The summary is weird but I like the fics and would love to hear your opinion on LWJ POV (it's part 2). Part one is Mingxian but part two (Wangxian) reads as a standalone for the most part. Anyways, thank you for all your hard work! <3 [I’ll put it on my list!]

A Bond to Take Us Home

by JaenysBloodcourt (T, 10k, mingxian - nmj/wwx, wangxian, series in progress)

Summary:  Wei Wuxian has two soulmarks. He has two soulmates that seem to be the opposite of him. During his first life he meets both of them, loves only one and longs for the other. In his second life, the one he loved first is dead, and the one he pined after is pining after him.

These are the many tales of his soulmates and the raucous they made across the cultivation world.

Some are dark, some are light. Beware.

~*~

I forgot to send this in for Mother's Day a few weeks ago, but have you read dragongirlG's "into the light of a dark black night"? It's a short canon divergence where Mama Lan escapes the Cloud Recesses after spending one last, heartbreaking night with her sons. It's so beautiful and bittersweet! [Oh, ouch.  I just read this author’s time travelling juniors au, but hadn’t seen this one.]

into the light of a dark black night

by dragongirlG (T, 3k, Madam Lan & sons)

Summary:  The night that Wu Yuhua, formerly known as Madam Lan, plans to escape from the Cloud Recesses, she runs into an unexpected complication.

That complication comes in the form of her younger son A-Zhan running up to her door and kneeling in front of it, hushed whimpers escaping from his throat.

Wu Yuhua knows it's not the full moon, knows that it's not the one day a month she's allowed to see her children—but like hell is she going to leave her six-year-old son out there trying to stifle sobs in the snow.

She opens the door. "A-Zhan," she says, bending down and reaching out a hand. "Come in, my sweet boy."

On a snowy night in the dead of winter, Wu Yuhua, formerly known as Madam Lan, unexpectedly spends one last night with her sons before escaping from the Cloud Recesses.

~*~

Hello queen I’d like to recommend for ur follower rec posts Avatar: The Untamed Waterbender by KouriArashi. Banger of an ATLA au, def the best one I’ve seen. It’s a WIP but the author updates pretty regularly and it’s all around an A+ fic [Oh, yes, I’ve been waiting for this one to finish before I jump in.]

Avatar: The Untamed Waterbender

by KouriArashi (T, 123k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  You know the drill. Long ago, the four nations lived in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

100 years later, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli find Wei Wuxian sealed in an iceberg.

Featuring: avatar WWX, waterbending JC, firebending Wens, airbending Lans, earthbending Nies and Jins, Jiang Yanli in possession of the brain cell, et cetera.

~*~

[My ko-fi.]

[bookishdiplodocus]

Welcome!

Hi! I'm Bookish Diplodocus, welcome to my pinned post.

I'm a professional editor, writer, and I currently teach writing at university. I also read loads outside of work. You could say that most of my life consists of reading and writing. Living the dream, right?

If you want to know how I became a book editor, I got you covered. Unsure about what a book editor does? No problemo. (Actually it's a description of what happens after your manuscript gets accepted by a publisher. Same thing, different perspective. You've got this.)

My main focus on tumblr is writing advice. I reblog a lot and I write some as well. Be sure to check it out, cause it sure is dope *wields 1990s finger guns*. If you like to be added to my tag list, just let me know.

I also write original fiction. I have a YA wip (currently on a hiatus) about a magical library and I'm frantically writing a cozy romance trilogy. Don't look for excerpts though, I don't post any. I'm just here for the community.

Anyhoodle, I hope you enjoy this little place on the interweb people call my blog. *tips hat, bows, and exits stage right*

[bsd-bibliophile]

Survey Dates: November 15, 2020 - December 15, 2020 Number of Participants: 331

You can view and download the full results here.

Comments:

:)

:p

#BringBackYumeno2020

How cool you included translators in this! You ROCK.

bsd kunikida needs a vacation

Bungou Stray Dogs have been a blessing for me ever since I started watching the series last year. I had lost my drive for reading and writing as a hobby, university and disillusionment with the publishing industry killed that, but now I have been revitalized thanks to the series. Not only did it drive me to go back to writing original works, but I have started writing fanfiction again after almost ten years of hiatus from story writing. The BSD online library has been a blessing not only as a source of research for the writers for my fanfic, but also has been the only way that I have been easily been able to get a hold of some works by the authors in English, my preferred reading language. Please keep up the good work! Thank you so much for everything that you have provided for this fandom.

Buraiha,,,, just them

Do not make me choose between Dazai and Chuuya, I cannot, they are both my favs lol.

for the question about how many books by japanese authors i own, i responded with more

Hello friend! Twain’s my favourite in bsd but this is about japanese literature soooo than 10, but to clarify: they are not all from bsd authors.

hello!! just a quick thank you note!! im polish and variety here in japanese literature (either in polish or english) is very limited, but thanks to your website it's very easy to find works i want to read both by japanese or russian authors. i also like the fact that i can read abt the authors' connections and how they influenced each other in their works, and get some historical context. i want to be a translator in the future, so i'm incredibly grateful for this kind of accessibility. keep up the good work and thank you once again!!! <333 - julia sz

I will like to thank you for all the information that you have supplied us on the tumblr page. Also I will like to know if you have any information about "A New Hamlet" the adaptation Dazai made of Hamlet. You will really help me if you know anything about it.

hi, i really enjoy your blog and "no longer human" as well as "the moon over the mountain" are on my christmas list. i hope to learn more about these authors and i wish you a good day!

Hi! Just hope you have a great day!

I am currently learning Japanese and I hope one day I can read these authors works in Japanese instead of a translation

I am interested in reading literary works translated into languages other than English, but have difficulty finding ways to read them. For BSD, I also watch the recordings of stage plays. Also, BSD and the authors have sparked my interest in other Japanese literature (I really like Banana Yoshimoto's books). Lastly, thanks for the online library, it's such a huge help!

I am sad to have to answer that I’ve not read these authors. I just watched the whole anime in the last two weeks and am going to go read some of these authors now. I actually have two literature degrees from US institutions and have become increasingly aware of how awfully western they are. I love this anime and am glad it’s opened me up to these authors. I’m excited to read them.

I can't wait to see what you do with these results!!

I cannot thank you & your blog enough for helping me fall further in love with Bungou Stray Dogs. Keeping so many works in an easy-to-access place is also a total lifesaver--and you just made it all the more easier to realize my love for literature. I know I'm rambling, but thank you so much!

I have a question, is it better to read these Japanese novels in their original language (Japanese) or does it not really matter if you read the English translation? I guess it's a given that reading it in Japanese is more authentic, but I'm just wondering if it's really worth it to learn such a complex language just for the sake of authenticity. Are English translations at least 90% legit anyway?

I have read most Japanese works in English except for the poetry of Nakahara Chūya, which I read in/translated from Japanese.

I have very mixed feeling towards BSD, I prefer the side stories rather than the main plot and I only like a small choice of characters, but I appreciate the series for introducing me to many great authors that I hadn't known.

I hope you have a great day!!

I just found BSD Biblio blog recently, but still I get to know about the real life authors a lot. I can't understand japanese much, so this blog truly helps me to know more about the authors and their remarkable works. I'm greatly appreciate the efforts that had been put on this blog ^^ My deepest gratitude to the translators~♡

I just wanted to say thank you for your big interest in sharing japanese literary œuvres on the internet. Here in Spain there aren't many works translated in spanish, and those that are translated, have a poor translation, except the works of Dazai. Your page lets me enjoy many pieces of art from the great japanese writers!

I love bsd and bsd-bibliophile is a great blog

I love the blog and my favorite things are the quotes! Keep up the good work. <3

I love the universe that taught me to love books.

I love this blog and thank you sm for all the love and hard work you put into it. Thank you.

I love your blog, but I didn't know you had a library! I'm definitely checking it out, since where I live it's not easy to find the books of all the authors and I want to read at least one book of each! ❤️

I love your blog:)

I love your blog!

I love your tumblr! Thank you so much for collecting all the information about the authors!

I LOVE YOUR WEBSITE ITS AMAZING THANK YOUUUU

I love your work and dedication!

I mostly make do with the books that are available in my public library, thus the only physical copy I own is "the key" bu tanizaki (if that's the correct translation of the novel)

I play the BSD mobage; that is about as far as I am into BSD as a fandom, as I've only began a couple months ago.

I prefer print, but ebooks are good when that's what's available. I started reading the BSD manga, but stopped. I enjoy it much more just vicariously through my friends who read the manga and novels. Thanks for providing Japanese lit content all the time! I'm trying to learn Japanese, but I've a long way to go, so it's cool to learn about authors and possible English translations.

I read a lot more Japanese authors than I used to before, due to the anime Bungo Stray Dogs

I really adore what you do. Though I have not been very active in the library due to real life issues, I look forward to sitting down and looking through it!

I really appreciate BSD-Bibliophile. I've learned a lot and I know without it, I might not have gotten this into Japanese literature!

i really enjoy seeing your posts on my feed and reading quotes from various writers. thank you for your effort, i really appreciate it :)

I really like that you share quotes of these authors, they're really interesting to read! :) It also helps me to decide what I want to read next haha

I really want to read the light novels, I wish one day you can upload them! Love this page so much!!

I saw a few posts from your blog on Twitter and I'll definitely follow it from now on! What you all are doing is truly amazing and I wish you and your blog only the best! (I don't have enough free time to dive into as many books as I wish I could, so your blog is really helpful)

I think Asagiri-sensei try to promote these famous Japanese authors and I really glad he did because I actually like the poems and story by these authors and whenever I read you guys post a quote from any of their books, I feels the need to buy the book. Thank you for your hardwork!

I think your work in organizing and encouraging people to engage in Japanese literature beyond the series that introduced them to it is awesome.

I use BSD-Bibliophile so much and am very grateful to have it!

I wanted to read some of Dazai's, Kenji's and Akutagawa's works, but they are hard to find in physical stores

I wanted to thank for both the blog and the online library for granting me acess to works that are either too expensive or not available in my country <3

I'm following BSD for 4 years and I read literature of BSD authors as much as I can. I'm deeply in love with its characters, and I'm delighted every time I discover the references from the real life authors and their works. I recommend for those who want to go in-depth with BSD to read the literature, or at least learn about the real life authors. It worths the time. You'll love BSD even more, and maybe the real life authors and their works as well.

I'm new to Bungou Stray Dogs, and I plan on getting my hands on the manga soon! and also the works of the real authors the characters are based off of. :)

I'm so thankful for the site! Since I can't afford the actual book, I am able to read them thru here and if you don't mind, please add Hagiwara Sakutaro's Hownling at The Moon and Kikuchi Kan's Beyond the Pale of Vengeance. Thank you!

I'm so thankful to the amount of effort put into this blog. Thank you so much.

I've been following you for years, your blog is one of my favorites. Thanks for all you do!

I've come by this website a few times, but today is the first time I've really read anything on here. The posts provide a lot of insight. I'll definitely be coming back here to make use of the online library. Thanks for making this available!

I've read and enjoyed Dazai's works, and he's the one I choose for favourite, but it's hard - if I had to choose a second I'd go with Chuuya's poetry. I've somehow wound up reading and re-reading it both for reference in my own works, and just because I want to, when I like.

I've thoroughly enjoyed all the works I've found through this series and I highly recommend people look into Tachihara's poetry! He's my favorite poet ever and his work is highly underrated. 

I'm very thankful for this blog. It's heaven-sent for a booklover and fan of Japanese literature for me. I'm sure you're constantly trying to update the library, but there are a few very rare books I've always wanted to read but I'm not sure if I'll get to. Can you add "Azamukazaru no Ki" by Kunikida Doppo? I'm not sure if there exists an English translation, but I'd be eternally grateful even if you uploaded the original Japanese (actually, I would prefer that to the translation, even though it would take a million years for me to decipher the whole of it, at my level of knowledge of the Japanese language. Japanese and English being poles apart in grammatical structure, a lot of the nuances of a Japanese piece is lost in a translation, and this being a record of Kunikida's innermost feelings, I would prefer to read the original.) I also want to read the reports Kunikida made while he was a war correspondent during the Sino-Japanese war, that made him famous as a writer and journalist, but I'm not sure if those could be available. Please include Kunikida's wonderful poetry too. I have mostly read some them in the original Japanese, or Bengali translations made by a senpai of mine, but I would love to read more. As you can probably tell, Kunikida is one of my favourite Japanese authors (although I selected Akutagawa as my favourite in the survey... I love both of their writings equally, but the survey only wanted one answer, so I chose Akutagawa.) Please include writings of other Japanese authors who are not featured in BSD as well, if that is possible (you could maybe create a different section for them?) One of my favourite Japanese authors is Komatsu Sakyou, but I've only been able to read one book of his ("Japan Sinks"). I also want to read "Virus: the Day of Resurrection", "Take Your Choice" and assorted short stories written by him, but Japanese literature is unfortunately not at all easily available where I live. Which is all the more reason I'm so thankful for your blog. I wouldn't have been able to read so many amazing books of some of my favourite authors if it hadn't been for your blog. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you will read this and consider my requests. Have a nice day :) 

it is through bsd-bibliophile's blog that i am able to go in-depth about japanese authors, so thank you so much! and just a little suggestion, though you don't have to do this if you don't have time or there's simply not any reason for you to do it, i would really love to answer a survey not only featuring japanese authors but all authors across different literatures (japanese, american, english, russian) who are featured in bsd because i think that would be fun as well. and this is really a fun survey~ thank you so much!

It was very fun to fill this list.

It's too hard to choose only one character or author

Keep doing what you do, it's amazing!

keep the great works!

Loved this!!! 💕

Nothing in particular. I just wanna thank you for having this survey. Loving BSD forever.

Since I only recently fell into the world of BSD and Japanese literature I haven't been able to read many of the works I want. I'm quite eager to read "No Longer Human" by Dazai-sensei since I really liked his style. An interesting thing is that I wasn't very fond of reading poetry until I discovered Yosano-sensei and Miyazawa-sensei, I enjoyed their work a lot. I'm very grateful to this blog, I wouldn't have been able to immerse myself this much into Japanese literature and read all this wonderful works if it wasn't for you so thank you so much! Keep up the good work!! ♡

Thank you for all of your hard work in these translations; reading Japanese literature has always been my wish. Being able to find and read their works in English is the greatest thing that's happened to me.

Thank you for all the hard work! You all curate the content so carefully and do so much for the fandom. It's one of my favorite bsd

Thank you for all the work you do~ and thank you for the library as well~

Thank you for all the work you’ve done💕✨

Thank you for all your hard work!

Thank you for continuing your work on this blog!

Thank you for everything you do!

Thank you for helping me find the translated copy of Return to Tsugaru by Osamu Dazai a while back!

Thank you for making the online library available! It's a great way to read some of these works that are not easily found elsewhere.

Thank you for providing the PDF's of these books, I don't want to buy them until I know I like them because it's hard for me to read because of my ADHD, so thank you for providing them in English!!!!

Thank you for the survey!

Thank you for this site! It really helps me to learn more about the Japanese Literature. Thank you to everyone who worked hard to translate the manga and light novels! I cannot decide which author I liked the best nor which book I liked most. It really is hard for me too choose! *sends love to everyone in this site*

thank you for this site! this really feeds my reading and BSD obsession <3

Thank you for your hard work :)

Thank you for your hard work, BSD Bibliophile! You are amazing! ;)

Thank you for your hard work!

Thank you for your work ♥

thank you so much for all that you do!!

Thank you so much for all your work on the BSD Bibliophile website!

Thank you so much for both your blog and the online library!!

Thank you so much for bringing closer the translated works and thanks for the authors who translated them

thank you so much for creating this special blog! I love it and really adore it

Thank you so much for your great work! your blog is a treasure for those who don't speak Japanese but are in love with Japanese literature (─‿‿─)♡

thank you so much for your website!!! sending love from hk!! :DD

Thank you so much for your wonderful work in making Japanese literature more accessible, so people who cannot find them in their country are also able to enjoy them <3

Thank you very much for your efforts in providing information and reading materials for everyone! I find your blog and website especially useful since I can't seem to find any physical copies here where I'm from. 

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thanks for all of your hardwork!

thanks for ur hard work <3

Thankyou so much for this amazing collection of Japanese writers and BSD!

The translations from the BSD Library are amazing.

there's always more than one favorite character or author but it is hard to pick between them

This blog is has so many posts that have helped me to read these literary work and became an important part of my life. Thank you for all moderators for sharing these beautiful works.

This is an interesting survey for bsd franchise also for the people who like and read Japanese literature. As a casual franchise wanderer, I'd like to fill this for showing my country existence//slaps wwwwwwwww. Thank you for providing this survey. Salam Literasi!

This library is amazing!

This was fun!! I use the bsd-bibliophile tumblr a lot - reading the quotes helps me pick which book to read next!! Through reading the Japanese literature written by BSD characters, I’ve since found other Japanese authors I love like Sakutarō Hagiwara and Dan Kazou, too!!!! <3

To clarify some of my answers, The Japanese books I own are mostly children's books. My parents however, have some Japanese novels and short stories as they are from Japan (for example my mom has a copy of Kumo no Ito by Akutagawa). I never finished Setting Sun nor Kokoro. I got about halfway through both before I had to return it to the library. The only other jp lit I've read not including poems is like a quarter of Snow Country by Kawabata Yasunari.

would just like to thank you for always providing the resources for BSD fans! i have been introduced to some of my favourite all-time works since discovering your blog and your resources!

You have a great blog, thank you all!

You're doing amazing work. Thank you so much for all you do for this fandom and the Japanese literary sphere in general.

You’re the best!

Your blog is absolutely amazing and if i hadn't found it i wouldn't have been able to read any of the BSD authors' works, i downloaded each one that interested me in PDF from your blog, hence why i admire it so much and i am so grateful for it. It is obvious that you put a huge amount of work into this blog and i love to wake up to new quotes and fragments every day. Keep up the great work, with love, a reader from Romania!

Your blog is amazing. Keep up the great work! Much support ♥️

your blog is SO helpful for my master's thesis on japanese literature. there is basically nothing in my country about japanese authors and i cannot thank you enough for the work you have done. seriously you are saving my life !!!!!!!!!! i really hope you have a good day!!!! you are really awesome™

Your BSD Library is very helpful for me, thank you for your efforts on creating it!

Your website is great, and I really appreciate your work, it’s makes it so much easier to find Japanese literature and to find new authors.

Your work is beautiful and you have expanded my knowledge of international literature so much; thank you :)

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with bugs

bugs has 40 stories at Gossamer. They mostly focus on Mulder and Scully, but there are also some goodies featuring Reyes and Doggett. I’ve recced some of my favorites of her fics here before, including The Link. She also co-ran WhyIncision, a fun, smart X-Files mailing list that dissected fics like a book club. Big thanks to bugs for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Not really. While I was still in high school, I started watching the then 20 year old OG Star Trek and became a Trekkie of a sort. Starlog magazine, James Blish novels and the other novelizations, and while I was working as a library page, I found fanfiction one day among the periodicals.  Who knows how fanfiction ended up as part of a library's materials, but there it was, this tattered mimeographed collection. The fic that had the most impact on me was one where Nurse Chapel wrestled a giant alien snake to save Spock's life.

So when I got into XF, one of the first things I did was look for fanfic, knowing somewhere out there, Scully was wrestling a big snake for Mulder.

That experience showed me the power of fandom, that even without the internet, how the second generation of Trekkies joined the original group to advocate for the franchise to be revived. I remember sitting in the theater for that first awful Star Trek movie, choked up with what we'd done.

Tragic backstory way to say, no I'm not surprised that a well-produced show like XF would beget future generations of fans, and that they'd be chewing their way through the fanfic archives still being maintained.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I'm so grateful to the fandom. Literally formed the life I have today through the confidence it gave me. Many of my friends to this day are 'pocket friends' from the various fandoms I've been in, and the longest friendships were formed in XF. I learned how to write, both technically and finding my voice. I learned how to think analytically, more than any college courses.

The two most important things I took away were, write for yourself first and always, and shit ain't that damn important. In the end, it's a TV show.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

YIKES.  I came in at the Fight the Future summer hiatus, so the waning days of ATXC, then we moved to mailing lists, right?  Yahoo Groups was in there somewhere. Finally message boards. Live Journal rose up at the end of the run which began to fragment the fandom even before the show ended, along with the migration off our individual websites to Archive of Our Own, fanfiction.net and such. We went from group discussion platforms to 'come look at my blog for my thoughts'. It was different and I didn't particularly like it, but in the end, when I came back to fandom for a new show....I had to get a Live Journal. That's the most interesting part of fandom, that a platform doesn't mold a fandom; we use the platform and when it's no longer useful to us, we abandon it en mass.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

I've touched on that a bit, but to elaborate, I'm glad I started in the XF fandom. It had such high standards and I hope that I maintain those standards for myself to this day. These days, I don't usually have a beta reader, but that took a couple hundred posted fics to get to that point.

Having seen the same exact flamewars and divides and squabbles over and over, seen how the taste of 'fame' can drive someone to be rather unpleasant, has given me a much more 'whatever' attitude. It's sort of comforting when joining a new fandom to know what's going to happen next in its natural progression.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

There's a meme "I have a type," and XF definitely had that type, but it just took me a while to get there. I was away at college then working on the road when the show started, and wasn't home on Friday nights most of the year. My mother has always been a big sci-fi fan, so she actually was watching before me. I don't like scary things, and would leave the room if it was on when I'd visit her. I was home for Christmas when Christmas Carol/Emily aired and I remember standing tentatively just inside the room so I could flee if necessary, and watched Scully go through the wringer, and ranting, "What the hell is this? Why are they putting that poor woman through this!?" I also saw how the show was doing the big ship tease, and I was like, uh, I don't have time for this. Even by my 20's, I'd been done wrong by so many shows that I'd become bitter. But the first film trailers suggested they were actually going from UST to RST, so I figured I could give 2 hours of my time for that.  And yeah...but I was hooked, and WENT TO BLOCKBUSTER AND RENTED THE VHS TAPES TO CATCH UP....this interview is making me feel very old.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I've always been a shipper and have no shame in that, as I think forming and maintaining a relationship is the most conflict-ridden enterprise humans can attempt, and thus is the most challenging thing to write about. Like many fanfic writers, I'd 'told stories in my head' ever since I can remember about the characters from books, shows and movies. It was just a matter of then writing it down for the first time.

After I was sucked into the show and it was still the summer hiatus, I got on my first computer, dialed up that screeching modem, and went on Netscape to search for that fanfic I knew had to be out there from my Trek experience a decade ago. Like many people, after inhaling much of the delicious fics out there, I decided I can do that. I'm someone who's very methodical on my approach to something new, so I studied what worked/what didn't, the expected formatting, got a sense of the culture I was entering, acquired a critical beta reader, so when I actually submitted the first chapter to AXTC, I was calm and confident.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I watch from the sidelines, with a vague little smile on my lips.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Yes, I have. Battlestar Galactica had a lot of Philes, but it was still a big step away from the very organized fandom in X-Files. Plus, with so many characters, there could be lots of little groups focused on their favorites. Same in the Downton Abbey fandom. Just a different dynamic.

On the other end of the spectrum, one of my most popular fics is in the Silence of the Lambs fandom which I've never been involved with any other fans or their fandom, if it exists. It just sits out there on fanfiction.net and chugs along with the reads. My current fandom is The Doctor Blake Mysteries which is tiny but mighty--the saying is, we're six people and a shoelace. It's shown me that it's not the size, not the 'fame' possible, but the passion that makes a fandom.

Sadly, at least at this time, I don't think there will ever be an experience like The X-Files heyday. It was such a golden moment of the rise of internet and home computer use by the general public, a large generation of educated women having the time to participate in fandom, and there wasn't the amount of 'noise' that is distracting us all now. I'm so glad that you're doing this exercise to record our thoughts. We've already lost so many of the OG folks. My first beta, Janet Caires-Lesgold; Trixie, way too young; Shari, also too young; Brandon D Ray, leaving his family too soon; and many more.

(Posted by Lilydale on March 9, 2021)