#all due respect to the wives like i bet they get it too

[accursedkaleeshi]

Salaen’s Bio Wife # 8 ["The incident"]

Guys this is 2k words I am sorry. Your feelings will be hurt. Featuring a homie's Kaleesh OC Rexavarius avr Ladrao

TL:DR: Salaen "Bet you're too good to marry an outcast" Grievous "BET". Wildly irresponsible lush Steve Irwin hunt mother, dual wields machete like a mad lad, dies in a hunting incident a little over a year before Grievous gets obliterated.

As Grievous was leaving Hakaleel Trading with Blys’aan he had asked around for anyone tech savvy. There were not a lot of options. Most of the technology that had come to Kalee had come on the spurs of the Yam’rii due in whole to Grievous seizing all of their surface installations. All other tech came from trading with nearby systems, long haul vendors, & things they had been made to use when the Republic had made contact with them nearly 60 years ago. Yaitee’s scribe did say, however, that there was an outcast at the local aklun that did some work for them when setting up comms. This was exactly what Grievous needed.

An aklun was for all intents & purposes a halfway house. Places where outcast & disenfranchised Kaleesh could stay. Outcast Kaleesh were individuals that were banished from or chose to leave their communities. Invisible Ones were single mothers, their bastard children, & lone orphans. Often the Invisible Ones were folded into the same group as outcasts. Which: not great. Some aklun were run charitably & seen positively to their nearby communities. Some aklun were at the other end of the spectrum where you can’t have shit in Detroit.

This particular aklun was somewhere in between. There were places to sleep but it was a bit rundown. The Kaleesh running it were a bit rundown. Grievous compartmentalized everything he witnessed there, knowing things were about to get 800 times worse for the entire planet. He didn’t have time to grieve these people. They visibly perked up at the mention of work but became concerned again. Salaen was the Kaleesh he was looking for but she was also the primary hunter for this aklun. Although, for their sake & hers, she really could not turn down work.

Salaen agreed to the work on the condition she not go alone. A fellow outcast volunteered to go with her. Rexavarius avr Ladrao knew a bit about networking & more about hard work. Rex assured her it would be fine, as if anyone on Kalee was good for paying them back it was going to be General Grievous. With this, she agreed.

Salaen did not like Grievous. She resented his status & privileges. He was hiring them on to set up network for his entire half built compound, the likes of which was unheard of for a personal home on Kalee. A compound which he was building for his soon-to-be seven wives. They were arriving to a double wedding. They were having pups in this economy. It seemed very selfish to her. And everyone around her was always very impressed with him. Even Rex, choosing to continue to be wholly disenfranchised from society, had a high respect for Grievous. This kept her from lighting him up during that wedding. Also free food.

Grievous later went over the plan with the outcasts on how he wanted things. Salaen was being standoffish the whole time. She noted he could definitely do this himself; it was clear he was comfortable around much more advanced technology. He hired them to do it because he was busy. She understood enough for her & Rex to get the job done. Grievous went into what may have been unnecessary detail as he wrapped up & Salaen could not contain a very sarcastic, “Wow you sure know everything.”

Grievous had just sort of smiled & said, “You do not have to like me, but know that I understand your anger. If I let my fury remain directed at the inaction of others I would have immolated long ago. Sometimes you just have to change things yourself.”

At this Salaen set her jaw & looked him in the eyes, feeling patronized. “You are from that tri-village settlement in east Kunbal, yeah? Kolkpravis runoffs living in the shade of the cliffs?” That was very specific information for someone to be privy to. When Grievous had cautiously confirmed she followed, “So was I. A village next to yours. The huk saw the ones on either side first, isn’t that right? Some of us little ones hid well enough to escape the assault but not well enough to avoid the scouts they sent out constantly. I am sure I only escaped because of you & your rifle. I could hear the crack, even muffled by the jungle.” In the silence that followed Salaen looked angry. But what could she say that wouldn’t sound petty & ridiculous.

After a moment Grievous bowed his head to her, wearing a very knowing look. “As it grew, my shadow became harder to get out of, this I know,” he had said, clapping the both of them on the shoulders as he passed between them & left.

There was a long pause until she preemptively told Rex to shut up. This prompted Rexavarius to give her a reality check only a fellow homeless vagrant can give, having also lost his entire clan to the bugs. It culminated in, & I’m paraphrasing, “Thing about resentment is that it is only hurting you. You’re not dumb, you know it. Out of all the miserable greedy kaleesh you’ve ever met at least this one actually did something about it.” She was like, “You’re right but where did I ask you.” To which Rex replied, “If I have to do this job with you I have a limit to how much bitching I will put up with. Besides. You know he is not like that [Salaen implying Grievous is classist & above them]. You know lij Kummar came from nothing?” For once, Salaen does not argue.

She hadn’t thought of lij Kummar. No one had come close to even breathing a word remotely near the subject of her. Rex was right. As far as every Kaleesh on the planet knew, Ronderu lij Kummar had come from nothing. She survived as an outcast for as long as she had been on the mainland. Not simply an outcast, even, but thoroughly demonized. She had become a minor patron saint of sorts to the outcasts & the invisible. Every Kaleesh on the planet also knew how beloved she was by jai Sheelal, both driven by the other & their righteous fury.

After this talk she reconsidered being hostile to Grievous & instead took to studying him like she was starting an audit. Rexavarius would occasionally help her psychoanalyze this literal national war hero but eventually stopped, telling her he was biased. Really Rex just wanted to finish this very generously paying job without getting on the wrong side of whom many believed to be a planetary demigod. When Rex stopped humoring her she started talking to his wives when they brought them food. All in all a very thorough investigation, over the course of a few months, as to why she shouldn’t resent Grievous. Because if her resentment was unfounded this whole time she would have to own up to it, which was almost worse. Salaen eventually came to Grievous when he was reviewing the last of the network connections to go in (& when Rex was not around).

What she literally said was, “Hey, General. Sorry for being…an entire bitch to you.”

Grievous had smiled & laughed. “I was not just placating you when I said I understood very intimately your indignation,” he said. Salaen knew this to be the case. Knowing his deeds aside, the emptiness lingering at his core behind the fire had become obvious as she had started to look for it.

Instead of telling him this she replied, “That was a lot for a kliin’yzru.” (Basically “Those were some big words for a hobo.”) Grievous had clicked his tongue at her for being a smartass. They would then bitch at each other about electronics with less hostility in the intent.

Right before Rex & Salaen finished the entire job Grievous was gone again on some diplomatic something or other. It was completed by the time he got back with another Kaleesh in tow. Rex & Salaen were chilling with the wives, drinking as they had been doing. Grievous was like, “Yo I’m back. I know I said we had enough wives but I beat Kevanru in ritual combat & they said they had to return to the rule of their father or marry me so. Here we are.” There was immediate overlapping chatter. This included both Jyada & Salaen admonishing him for being a slut, as well as Mertenzi telling him to stop bringing people home like a bleeding heart dovt’in.

Grievous went over the outcast’s work & was pleasantly surprised at the quality. He offered the pair to stay on if they wanted to (despite what Mertenzi had just said the day before). Rex was honored but said he preferred to move on, accustomed to his solitary wandering. Salaen hesitated. She realized that not only did she actually like these Kaleesh but that Grievous was offering her an actual home, something she had not had since she was a pup. She finally said, “Do I have to defeat you in ritual combat?”

Grievous had turned to his wives gathering for the morning & just kind of yelled, “What do we think of Salaen?” There was another instance of overlapping chatter that was wholly positive, with cheers, clapping, & Jyada whistling.

Short of the long of it (I say, at 1500 words), Grievous married Salaen & Kevanru in the same ceremony at the end of the 35 BBY year. (Rexavarius came back to attend bc free food.) Salaen fell in with Jyada & Bryaru so instantaneously that it made adjusting to this new lifestyle a little easier. She had a short temper & continued to be very defensive of her actions & origins. Out of all the wives, Salaen was the most disconnected from Grievous. She loved him, but there are many different kinds of love that Kaleesh understood innately & didn’t really feel the need to label. She never felt her love for him was the same as some of the others’. Part of her feelings of inadequacy came from living so much of her life isolated & part of them were reactionary.

Once she saw the emptiness in him it was hard to overlook it. It never changed even as their family continued to grow. It was an untouchable sadness that left her & many others feeling helpless & inadequate in their inability to fix. That had not been a secret to any of them. Literally the whole planet knew. But watching it cripple him in private moments was still difficult. Grievous did love her, as he loved all of his family, but likewise: there are different kinds of love. He had to temper his interactions with Salaen, sometimes avoiding her completely & just hoping she understood. She did. She saw the most sadness in him because she reminded him the most of Ronderu.

They looked nothing alike, of course, but their background had been similar. Outcast, alone, bitter, & angry about it. It led to their defensive attitudes. Desperation to be validated with the refusal to admit it. They both communicated…aggressively. Grievous felt he had perhaps selfishly put them both in this situation. He could not & would not ask Salaen to change who she was. He could curtail these thoughts with enough mental preparation but even so, it often blindsided them. The result was just more of his grief on display than he’d like & a lot of unspoken but understood apologies between the two.

Besides their husband’s internal struggle, Salaen fit into the family well. She was a hunt wife, dual wielding machetes. It was always a toss up as to whether she helped balance out Jyada’s chaos or she became part of the problem. She did love the drink & often dealt with her emotional labor with alcohol. Salaen was the hunt mother that taught the children most about the animals. She was always chasing, catching, &/or otherwise manhandling the wildlife to the point where other parents had to put a disclaimer on her actions. Like a wildly irresponsible Steve Irwin.

Salaen had 2 children of her own. Spare time was spent with Jyada, Bryaru, & Kevanru whom liked to drink around the fire when the children were asleep. She did feel like she belonged there with them. She lived 11 years with their family. In 24 BBY she died following a piinyur (a sabre-toothed jungle cat) attack whilst camping for the night with the rest of the hunt mothers & a handful of children. Jyada & Weyla were also injured, Weyla losing her left foot at the ankle.

[ladykissingfish]

Under the Mistletoe with the Akatsuki // Part Eight // Kakuzu

What is with this group and wasting their free time doing such inane and pointless things? The old guy can think of at least 50 other activities (the majority of which involve making money) that everyone could be doing, rather than lining up to kiss each under a little green plant. When it’s his turn in the spotlight, he tries as hard as he can to back out of his “obligation” ... but Pein (and Kakuzu’s own persistent partner, Hidan) insist that Kakuzu participate. Kakuzu sighs and nods; he’s smart enough to know when he’s been defeated. However, Pein should know that Kakuzu will be adding a little extra money to his paycheck that week, for “hazard pay”.

Pein

Nagato was more interested in Kakuzu joining his group than any of the others. Immortality, money-sense, expertise and wisdom ... this is the man who survived the wars of the past. This is the man who survived the mighty Hashirama, God of all shinobi. Still, Nagato is no fool; he realizes that Kakuzu’s number one priority in life isn’t the Akatsuki, but money. Kakuzu would probably (and had likely thought about) betray them all in exchange for a tidy sum. So Nagato (as Pein) works to keep Kakuzu content enough to remain loyal, including making him the group’s treasurer and giving him complete control over everyone’s finances. And Kakuzu remains highly useful; strategizing, completing missions twice as fast (and ten times as efficient) as his younger teammates. Pein approaches Kakuzu and gives him a light kiss on the forehead, before returning to his room. He reminds himself to speak to Kakuzu later; he has some ideas about weapons he’d like to procure for the group, and needs to see if it would be financially feasible to do so.

Konan

Kakuzu genuinely likes Konan, and appreciates her company. Many men of Kakuzu’s generation were raised on the belief system that women were solely meant to be wives, child-bearers, and home-makers; to call a female a ninja was deemed unthinkable. But Kakuzu was a rarity in that he never saw this as being the case; man or woman, one’s inner strength was all that mattered in regards to being a shinobi. He’s spoken with Konan at length about her childhood, and the trauma she endured, and he knows that this little blue-haired lady is a sight tougher than a LOT of people (and Kakuzu’s met quite a few in his long life). Konan walks up to him and he smiles; it’s rare for Kakuzu to smile, but Konan brings it out of him. “Good evening, Kakuzu-san. I think it’s my turn.” He nods, and slips off his mask so that his lips are exposed. He leans down and very, very gently kisses her cheek. Her blushing skin is soft and her smile is beautiful as she thanks him and steps away, to let the next person go.

Kisame

Nobody knows this about Kakuzu (and he fears he would be mocked if they did), but the old guy puts a lot of emphasis on the idea of exercise. Five hearts is a lot of responsibility, and staying healthy is how Kakuzu intends to keep living forever. So every night, when the others are asleep and after he’s done with his reading, he’ll spend some time in his room exercising. One night Kisame passed by his open door and saw him using a pair of heavy books as make-shift weights. The next evening Kisame came to Kakuzu’s room with a set of real barbells , which he casually gave to Kakuzu with the admonition not to overdo it. Kakuzu greatly appreciated the gesture (and the unspoken support), and the two have been good friends ever since. But ... a kiss between them would just be too strange, so Kisame comes up with a better option: an arm-wrestling match, Kisame grabs the kitchen table and two chairs and sets them up under the mistletoe. Of course the rest of the Akatsuki gathers to watch, hooting and hollering and placing bets on who will win. Kisame and Kakuzu are both fairly evenly matched, so that challenge goes on for a while. Finally, with a final grunt of exertion, Kakuzu is able to slam Kisame’s hand into the table. Everyone claps, and Kisame laughs and tells Kakuzu that he’s “one tough son of a bitch”; high compliment coming from a man who was half-shark.

Itachi

Out of all the members of the Akatsuki, Itachi was by far the least problematic of the younger ones. Quiet, thoughtful, quick and efficient in completing missions. And polite; always forthcoming with “please” and “thank you”, and never failing to use honorifics with the others, even though some of them (ie Deidara and Hidan) don’t show him that same respect back. One time Kakuzu had caught a cold that stubbornly hung on for several days. Itachi came to his room every day with a cup of congestion-easing tea, something that Kakuzu didn’t ask for, but greatly appreciated nonetheless. Itachi comes up to him and nods. “Kakuzu-san.” “Itachi-san.” Itachi leans up and gives him a light kiss to the cheek, and Kakuzu is struck by a particular urge — to hug this kid. Something about him, perhaps everything about him, seems like a cry for parental love and affection. Kakuzu resists this odd impulse, but Itachi seems to sense that it’s something he wanted, because he leans over again and very briefly puts his arms around the older man. “Thank you,” he murmurs, before walking away. Kakuzu watches him go, slightly shaking his head.

Tobi

Tobi gives Kakuzu an uneasy feeling deep within his heart(s). Running around, speaking loudly, eating nothing but candy and sweets, acting like a complete fool — it’s an act. Kakuzu has never been more convinced of anything in his life. The only question is, why is Tobi putting on this act? To deceive them all into a false sense of security, before striking? Kakuzu has hunted bounties a good deal of his life, and a lot of the more difficult ones to catch have acted EXACTLY the way Tobi does, in order to throw off potential bounty hunters. Kakuzu learned to see through them, the same way he sees through Tobi. But to tip one’s hand and give away what you know is unthinkable in the chase and capture game, so Kakuzu never lets on what he actually believes. “Oh boy Kakuzu-san; does Tobi get a kissy now?!” Kakuzu nods, and Tobi slides his mask halfway off (Kakuzu notes the lines on the side of his face; accident, most likely. Possibly a disfiguring one) and the strange glint of his eye. Before Tobi can act, Kakuzu puts a hand on his face and kisses his forehead. “There. Now go.” Tobi slides the mask back on and hurries away with his usual chatter and giggling, and Kakuzu reminds himself to loom through the bingo book later for bounties with visible scarring on the left side of the face.

Zetsu

Five hearts means more blood needed to sustain said hearts. More blood means a stronger scent. A stronger scent means ... Kakuzu smells delicious to someone like Zetsu. Zetsu approaches him and looks around quickly; the two are alone. His brain runs through every possible scenario in which he could successfully kill and eat Kakuzu. He’s victorious in a few ... but most end with him mutilated by the man’s tentacles, and having to face the wrath of Pein on top of everything else. So he simply sighs, flicks out his tongue to taste the saltiness of Kakuzu’s cheek, and walks away again. Just that one taste was almost enough to make zetsu throw restraint to the wind and eat his fill, so he leaves before he can do anything he’ll regret. Kakuzu wipes off his cheek in mild disgust ... in a group full of freaks, Zetsu certainly seemed to take the cake.

Deidara

Kakuzu still remembers the day they brought this kid into the group. And that’s exactly what he was; a kid. Barely 15 years old, with a powerful “gift”, and full of anger at a village he felt betrayed him in not trying to understand his unique sense of ‘art’. Fast forward several years later and Deidara had changed, and most of that change was the better. Kakuzu could only surmise that the kid matured due to the constant council and guidance of his older and wiser partner Sasori; Kakuzu feels mildly jealous that Sasori was able to reign some measure of improvement over HIS young partner, but Kakuzu couldn’t do a thing with Hidan. Still, though, even Sasori hadn’t been able to completely tame the kid, as evidenced by Deidara managing to get BOTH arms blown off in a tussle with some Konoha nin. Kakuzu had been tasked with sewing his new arms back on, but to the kids credit, despite his painful the procedure had been, he didn’t utter a sound. Had even thanked Kakuzu, twice, afterwards. Deidara walks up to him and looks almost shy; 19 years old now and still with the face of a child. Kakuzu leans down and kisses the kid’s forehead, again noting his soft and smooth — and LONG — his hair was. It sways as Deidara walks away, and Kakuzu wonders how much he could get for those luscious locks, from the right buyer.

Sasori

Respect. Out of all the words that Kakuzu could use to describe how he felt about Sasori, Respect was at the top of the list. And the funny thing was, Kakuzu hadn’t even met the REAL Sasori until almost a year of being in the Akatsuki. The two had been sent on a mission, and at night, near the campfire, a soft metal sound made Kakuzu turn his head. It was a small, slender redhead, emerging from the being that Kakuzu had THOUGHT was a real person. The two had looked at each other for a while, and then started a game of cards as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. As time went on, the two became closer. They both shared an interest in/knowledge of medical jutsu and procedures, and would often come to one another with questions or with articles on different medicines. Kakuzu nods at him as he walks up, and Sasori does the same. He thinks about it, bends down and kisses Sasori’s left cheek, and Sasori smiles at him, bidding him a quiet Good Evening before going back to his room.

Hidan

“Hey old fuck; you’ve been dying to get your hands on my sexy body all day, haven’t ya, pervert?” Kakuzu would roll his eyes at Hidan’s comment, but at this point, he’s ridiculously used to the things his partner says and does. As he looks at Hidan’s face, he wonders, and not for the first time, whether this is a punishment of sorts. Gaining five hearts and creating a kind of immortality only came for Kakuzu at the end of a long and bloody road, one paved with the unwilling sacrifices of other people. Was it Fate, that the Gods had put THIS man, this loud, overbearing, foul-mouthed heathen, into his path? And as the one person who just might be immortal, too? Hidan often joked about “When all these other assholes bite the big one, me and you might as well get married, bastard.” But what in the world was he saying? Surely he was joking; why would someone as young and attractive as Hidan want to be with Kakuzu? Kakuzu who was heaven knows how many times Hidan’s age, and — “So we gonna slobber each other or what?” “You’ve got a big mouth, brat. Learn to shut up once in a while.” “MAKE me shut up, fuck-face.” So Kakuzu grabs Hidan around the waist, tilts him back, and sinks into his lips. Kakuzu’s mouth is rough and scarred but Hidan’s is smooth and soft, and the contrast creates a dizzying effect for both men. Hidan grasps Kakuzu’s shoulders tighter, leaving slight nail-prints in Kakuzu’s flesh. Their lips are touching but in this moment it feels like everything is touching, even their very souls (if either of them still had one, that is). When Kakuzu finally breaks the kiss and pulls Hidan back up, the white-haired immortal seems fairly disorientated ... but that doesn’t stop his mouth. “You’re an even bigger pervert than I thought, old fuck. Who the hell said you could stick your tongue in my mouth?? And why —” Kakuzu suddenly reaches out and grabs Hidan’s face with both hands, this time pulling him forward into a very soft, closed-mouth kiss. “Better?” Instead of a smartass answer, Hidan simply nods; and now he’s smiling as he walks away. If he were to turn around at any point, he’d surely gasp; because Kakuzu’s smile was even bigger than Hidan’s own. “Stupid kid,” Kakuzu mutters to himself, still smiling as he makes his way back to his room.

[heliosthegriffin]

Infernis Dominus

An aged Cardin Winchester walks down the halls into a well decorated throne room.

The years had been good to him, the graying in his hair natural and he supported a mighty mustache and mutton chops, and even in his more advanced years he still looked as formidable as he did in his prime.

Whether it was due to his aura control, a healthy life style, or duty he was driven by, was impossible to be told and did not matter as he was as well mentally as he was physically. He would continue to serve.

He took to one knee in a bow before a marble and golden throne that was draped in blue tapestry with a pair of golden arcs in the center.

At the center of the throne was a enigma of a man, one who was both boyish, but clearly a man, young but showed age with the strands silver hairs in his golden hair and the laugh lines on his face, blues eyes that carried playful energy and harsh weight, a body that was built to destroy that was covered by heavy armor and held a dreadful sword at his side, but he carried himself with an aura of peace and warmth. Divine, but clearly a Man.

This is Jaune Arc, Lord of the Arc Covenant, Paragon of War, and Master of Conquest.

“My friend, why do you bow? It is only the two of us here.”

Cardin rose up on his feet, and waved off his comrade. “Paah, even if it is only us two I pay my respects to my superiors, circumstance must not be forgotten, otherwise discipline dies and chaos reigns.” Jaune raised a brow. “Hmm, I suppose, but I think its the stick up your ass.”

“If it’d keep you from slouching so much, I’d shove a log up yours.”

Jaune feigned pain. “Oh, such immodesty, is that anyway to speak to your king!”

“If I didn’t know you spent you’re free time in your harem chamber, or playing with those miscreants street rats you’ve taken in, I’d almost pretend to believe you.”

Jaune smirked at him. “To be fair, my wives have taken a quite the likening to them, and my brood has practically adopted them.”

Cardin shook his head in good-nature. “Oh, how are we suppose to remove you from your chambers now.”

“I suppose I shall have to move my throne in there.”

Both men then shared a laugh.

Jaune wiped a tear from his eyes. “How goes Carmine?”

“Oh, you know we’re in a stable, happy, monogamous marriage. No drama, no sleeping order, and no random bastards either.”

“Pfff, I bet you two have great sex too.”

A doopey smile ran across Cardin’s face. “Very.” 

Jaune barked out a laugh.

“Anyway, she’s happy, we’ve got a grandchild on the way soon, so she’s practically move into our’s son’s house, and using her semblance to knit everything, and has more or less got our daughter in law on house arrest.”

Jaune rolled his eyes. “That sounds like Carmine.”

“So how goes you harem, every man’s dream or so they say.”

Jaune sunk into his throne. “Exhausting, I should have never gone above six, but like an idiot I married twelve!” A wide smile broke across his face, and he opened his hand revealing a white orb of aura, where a dozen faces could be spied within. “Its damn tiring keeping up with them, trying to keep track of the hierarchy, and if it’s not a damn orgy to keep them all satisfied, it’s who gets to sleep with who. Sometimes though I have to man up and lay down the law, because at the end of the day I run this show, whether I like it or not.”

He forms another orb of aura, and another till he had twelve floating orbs, each showing a face of one of his wives as he watched them through his aura.

“I soul-bounded each one to each other and myself, I wanted them to know how honest I was about how they had a place in my heart.” With a wave of his hands the orbs shaped together to form a heart with each woman forming a piece of it. He rested a hand under his chin as he look at them. “I have to stop myself from having doubts sometimes, as they can feel it and I don’t want to worry them.”

He pulled the heart towards himself and held it between his hands. He looked at the many loves of his life. “I wouldn’t trade anyone of them,” He crushed the heart between his hands, the last look Cardin got his friends wives was a look of contentment and peace as a wave of aura washed over them.

Jaune then look at Cardin.

“So what do you have for me today? Any news about the battle front?”

Cardin then sighed. “About that, we won.”

Jaune raise a brow. “Excuse me?”

“We have done it, all land on Remnant, all known land in system as been taken by you, Sir. That was actually the reason I come to visit you today.”

“I thought you wished to converse with a long-time friend.”

“That too, anyway we’ve repelled the Grimm, and surrounded the Pools of Darkness with kill nests, any Primordial Grimm have either gone into hiding and we can kill at our leisure, or have been exterminated, the last of the planets in our system have sworn under your leadership, and finally we repelled any attempts by the Brothers and they’re minions to renter the system, not that they’ve tried very hard since you chased them off.”

Jaune smirked and thumbed his sword. “Shame, I was hoping to kill a god.”

“So, I’ve come to ask what next?”

Jaune put his hands on his sword and thought for a moment, looking out at his stain glass windows.

Cardin watch his friend with slight worry.

Ever since they met at the academy over fifty years ago, Jaune’s desire to make the world a better place and to be a hero had guided him. It’s what won Cardin and so many others over, what made him put together a militia when they found evidence of the councils corruption, what put him as the King of Vale, what made him go to war with Atlas and Mistral over the treatment of Faunus, why he put the world under his banner, why he absorbed the relics and dominated their spirits, why he killed the undying witch and put to rest the old wizard, and why he took over the solar system and cast out the gods in a duel.

What would they do with all the power in not only the world, but the solar system.

“Well, I suppose we need to make sure we can hold our territory, make sure we keep the world healthy, make sure that the other planets get along properly, and keep our strength up. Never know when the brothers or some-other gods out there will want some new ‘Congregation’. But, otherwise? I cannot say yet, for I have a pestering idea that I have yet to outline.”

“As you will it then, I shall have it done.”

“As you will then. By the way, come by again soon.”

Cardin nodded. “With Pleasure.”

“No, no, no, I’m going with pleasure!” Then Jaune walked off his throne and into his chambers. “It helps clear my mind.”

Cardin rolled his eyes. “Sure it does.”

-------

Fifteen Years later---

------

Cardin had grown slightly older, but other wise looked the same.

He was looking over piles of documents with his friends and colleagues, Lie Ren and Sun Wukong. Both of them having aged quite well, with Sun looking in his mid forties and Ren hardly touching thirty.

The doors were flung open, a wind knocking all their papers over, as Jaune strode in a broad smile on his face, still hardly having aged at all.

“Friends and Allies, I have decied our next step!”

Ren carefully rose from his seat. “What might that be?”

Jaune ripped Crocea Rexus from his sheath. “I’m glad you asked, we’re conquering hell! For too long have gods unworthy of our faith had control of our souls, no longer! We will liberate them and allow them salvation!”

Sun started clapping. “Yeah lets do this!”

Cardin raised a greying eye brow. “How might we do this though?”

“Oh ho hoh! I’ve been practicing for this question, for the last decade I have been experimenting with dimensional and spiritual barriers, and I have found I can cut them, like this!”

Jaune then took a slash at empty air causing it to twist and contort as space itself was destroyed leaving a hellish red light to fill the room, a large red hand then reach through and pulled itself out.

A gigantic demon emerged.

It then fell in half as Jaune resheathed his sword.

“Pesky creatures they are, so you boys in? I already got my militia going with me.”

Ren shook his head. “Jaune you don’t have to form a militia every time you want to overthrow something. You’re literally the king of the solar system, you have an army at your beck and call.”

“I do If I want to keep favor with the people, and honestly it’s more fun that way.”

Ren sighed in annoyance.

Cardin then got up and called his wife. “Yeah, It’s Jaune. Yep it’s a crusade, Hell, this time. I’ll be back alive or you’ll kick my ass, love you too.”

“I take you’re all accepting?”

“You know it!”

“Someone has to keep you in line.”

“What he said.”

Jaune then raise his sword and rushed into Hell, his Militia outside following as he screamed. “Glorious!”

AN: I am so annoyed, this is second time I had to write this because the first time I wrote it, It got deleted because I had accidentally hit the inspect button and it all went down the pipe.

[pointnumbersixteen]

A Head Cannon Biography and Character Analysis and of the Captain, Part 7: the Sad Ending

We’ve finally reached the end. I usually like to give a bit of argument before I give conclusions, but I’m going to alter this slightly, so that people don’t start reading, get invested, and then realize they’re reading something they’re not comfortable reading.

That being said: I think the most likely explanation for the Captain’s death is suicide. It’s still head cannon, but I personally wouldn’t bet on anything else at this point.

If you’re not comfortable reading an in-depth analysis of the whys and hows of this or a rendition of what his head space might have been like leading up to it, for whatever reason, or you simply don’t believe it’s something he’d do, I made another post for you to refer to called ‘Alternate Endings’ that gives different options.

...

Now for the argument:

World War II ends in August of 1945. The Captain most likely never saw any combat. He was unable to find the sort of validation that might have given him accordingly. He’s a forty-six year old captain with a dead-in-the-water career. And unfortunately for him, the British government is deeply in debt. It cannot financially sustain the over three million man army that it built up for the war. It has to downsize back to pre-war sizes (less than a million), eventually even smaller, as with the advent of nuclear bombs, the air force and navy have become more important than the army. Two out of every three people in the army, at least, have to leave it. This was a process that took a few years, but at the end of the war, everyone knew it was coming. A lot of people only joined for the war and are demobilized once it’s over, but not everyone wants to be. Decisions have to be made on who is staying and who is going.

And the Captain is just the sort of person who’d end up on the ‘go’ list. His men don’t respect him. He’s far too old for his rank. He hasn’t received a promotion in twenty years. There’s probably at least some suspicion about his sexuality. Meanwhile, there are plenty of much younger men, artillery captains who joined for the war, who upon taking a look at the harsh post-war economy, decide that they want to stay in. They’re good at their jobs. They’re popular with their subordinates. They likely have young families, wives and children, to support. They have the sorts of personalities that can impress the higher echelons. They have the potential to make major. These are the kind of men making it onto the ‘stay’ list. When you have to get rid of every two out of three people, that’s the way these things go. And to make things easier when the time comes, you put the people you want to keep in the better commands, and you suggest to the people that you don’t want to keep that maybe they should look into other options, to save yourself from having to get rid of them later on.

At Button House, preparations are underway to stand down the unit and return the estate to its owners. The individuals who joined for the war that want to go home once it’s over are preparing to be demobilized. The rest are getting ready to be reassigned. At some point the Captain goes to talk to higher echelons about his own reassignment and gets the absolutely crushing bombshell: “Actually, we ‘strongly encourage’ you to take early retirement.”

(I experienced research failure trying to find out what British military pensions looked like at the end of WWII, so I’m stuck going with the modern version and hoping it’s the same, or at least fairly similar.) Essentially, if you stay in until you’re sixty, you collect full pension, but early retirement is available for anyone over the age of forty with more than twenty years in, receiving about a third of what the pension would normally be. So, they’re not suggesting putting him out with nothing, but it’s not a lot, either.

He would argue, of course. Ineffectively. He doesn’t have the sort of interpersonal skills necessary to convince any of these people. His main arguing technique seems to be being forceful and persistent about what he wants, but that doesn’t work on people who outrank you.

Again, I’m not sure whether they could have quite officially forced him out or not, at that juncture. But it would be easy enough to unofficially force him out: just suggest that there have been suspicions about him for a while and maybe, if he doesn’t want to cooperate, it’s reached the point where there should be an inquiry about it. And if anything’s found, he won’t get early retirement, he’ll be kicked out and probably sent to jail in disgrace. And even if nothing’s found out, or can be proven, his reputation will be ruined just by the question of his sexuality being officially asked and even then the only reassignment he’ll get is something pointless and tedious, sorting out-of-date records or the like, until the inevitable juncture is reached, within the next year, where he CAN be officially forced out due to government mandated personnel cuts (the first round of which were in ‘46). And eventually he’d have the sense to stop arguing and acquiesce. Because really there is no choice for him. It’s ruin or worse ruin.

But: the army is the only thing he has.  

He’s been in the army at least half his life. He has repressed the person he might have been and lived his military persona that entire time- longer, even, if you head cannon as I do that there was military boarding school involved, in which case he’s been living that persona since he was eleven years old. He’s institutionalized. He can’t think of himself outside of the military. It’s his entire identity. He can barely remember who he was before daddy decided to ‘man away the gay.’

He certainly can’t picture letting his stuffed-down repressed gay self out. That’s still against the law. That will still be against the law for another twenty-two years (male homosexuality was decriminalized in England and Wales in 1967). And if Havers is dead, the only person he might have ever considered taking the risk for is also dead. Maybe he even blames himself a little for that death: he didn’t try to stop Havers leaving, when he clearly wanted to. And it’s been eating at him for years.

In the perspective of his time, he’s too young to properly retire, and the pittance of a pension he’s being offered probably would only cover the basics anyway, he wouldn’t be overly comfortable, but he’s too old to start over with another career that he’d be better suited for, or that he’d enjoy, or that would make him happy. I personally think theater would have been his choice if he’d ever been able to make one (one of these days I’ll back that statement up), but there would have to be that voice in the back of his head telling him even if he wasn’t too old for it, he’d be no good at it: he played the role of the Captain for twenty years and still didn’t do it well enough to convince anyone.

He can’t picture any future for himself at all.

And he has to consider himself a failure. Never made major. Never saw combat. And now the army wants him gone.

He sees himself failing at his entire life’s work. The thing that composes the entirety of his identity is being taken away from him. He can’t live any sort of authentic life; that just isn’t an option in 1945. He has nothing to look forward to and nothing to live for. Which leaves one option.

I’ve been there. Luckily, it was the one point in my life where I’ve actually had access to decent mental health care (CBT is lovely, guys, or at least it did positive things for me), but solid mental health treatment didn’t really exist back then, either. Luckily, I didn’t go through with it. But I think the Captain did.  

He probably fought with the idea for a long time. Until his retirement date was nearly on him. Suicide had a significant stigma back then. It was the ‘coward’s way out,’ as it used to be looked at, and whilst he was a lot of things, a coward wasn’t one of them. But as the appointed day got closer and he couldn’t picture a future past it, he realized he just couldn’t face it.

And then the appointed day arrives, for him to leave. One way or another.

He’s a squeamish man (again, not a coward, courage is a matter of backbone, squeamishness is a matter of stomach). He can barely look at the plague victims. He was shocked by Pat’s bloodless arrow through the neck. He’d want to avoid a gory death. He probably wouldn’t shoot himself. Honestly, the army probably never gave him a gun to shoot himself with. But the forties was a time in which the deadly potential of pharmaceuticals was well known, but they still weren’t particularly well controlled yet. Given the war, he wouldn’t have been nearly the only person seeking sedatives, and the local doctor or chemist probably wouldn’t think twice about giving him a supply. Had anyone slept well since the Blitz, after all?

His uniform is already packed away in his foot locker, and he’s wearing the civilian clothes he’s supposed to leave Button House in, but he decides that isn’t right. He decides he wants to die with the uniform on. It was his whole life, after all. Even 75 years after his death, when they do the ‘what would you wear if you could’ discussions, he can’t even imagine himself in anything but his uniform.

Of course, he’s distraught. If he decided to take the common combination of alcohol and sedatives, perhaps he’s already started drinking. Either way, his mental state is such that when he puts the bits and pieces of his uniform back in place whilst looking at himself in the mirror, he fails to entirely account for the fact that the mirror reverses the image and his ribbons are backwards. When he’s done getting dressed, he salutes himself in the mirror, as you see in the opening, and then goes through with it, taking the entire supply of sedatives at once, and dying shortly thereafter. (Word of god says that both the reversed ribbons and the mirror are important, after all.)  There are no marks on his ghostly-self because the method of death didn’t leave any.

No doubt he was surprised to find himself a ghost, but perhaps not disappointed. Most people who consider suicide don’t actually want to die, they just can’t bear to go on living the life they’re leading. And as a ghost, he could continue living out his respectable military persona for the rest of eternity. The other ghosts don’t necessarily know how he died. I wouldn’t put it past the army to say, ‘let’s write this one off as a heart attack,’ to avoid the paperwork and embarrassment/scandal of having one of their officers kill themselves on the day they were supposed to retire  Maybe none of the other ghosts know better (I’ll go into this more in an upcoming post). Or maybe they at least have the tact not to say. I think he would prefer them not knowing, because of the stigma, though.

But that’s why he won’t let go of the trappings of the military even 75 years after his death; the entire reason he died is because he couldn’t let go of it. And that’s why he’s the Captain, instead of going by his name, whatever it is. The person with the name is someone he’s ashamed of, a failure and a degenerate (in the views of his time), while the Captain is the ideal he had tried to live up to. The Captain is the person he’d rather die than not be.  

Of course, this is (as Pat tries to point out to him every now and then) mentally unhealthy. But every bit of repression he put himself through or that was forced upon him in his life, including staying in the military as long as he did when he wasn’t suited for it was mentally unhealthy, too, and there was no recourse available to him for it in his time.

 To add a few points to this argument that are outside of the direct narrative: in s1e1, during his second (I think) argument with Fannie over her late-night screaming, he seems willing to hear her out until she starts hinting about her ‘actual’ death, at which point he yells over her that he doesn’t want to hear it, he just wants the screaming to stop. He seems a bit desperate about it, actually. I think he was operating under the assumption that she also killed herself, and that it comforted him a bit, that the oh-so-proper Lady Fannie Button also committed suicide (since again, there is a stigma) and he didn’t want to be told otherwise. When she brings up the topic again, when they’re discussing Julian pushing Allison out the window, he tries to stop her again (despite the fact that since they’re not in the middle of an argument, he has no reason to), but ineffectively.

Also, from the standpoint of the narrative, the writers have to explore how everyone died eventually. There are only so many variations of ‘accident’ and ‘homicide’ you can do and keep things engaging. I can’t see the writers not going with at least one suicide, if only to have a different situation to explore. Robin and Kitty are the only other deaths we have no clues about, but I don’t see either of them as candidates for suicide. And it would make sense to portray the repression and oppression the Captain faced in his life as having consequences. It did often enough in real life. The suicide rate in the LGBT community has always been unfortunately high.

 I’m going to stop here, with his death, since all seven parts together are pushing 12,000 words, not counting the interludes, or the forthcoming post-script. I’ve got plenty more to write, about events after his death, his relations with the other ghosts, and even (more) things that were happening culturally while he was alive that might have interested him that I couldn’t work into this, but I had to end this piece somewhere, and since it’s a head cannon biography, I thought the appropriate place to end it would be his death.  

 If you’re experiencing serious depression or thoughts of suicide, please seek help. Things do get better; you just have to make it that far.

 And if you actually read all seven parts, please know that I adore you. I know it’s been really, really long. When I posted the first part, it took more than a day to get its first note and I started worrying no one would look at the wall of text presented and ever want read it. So, whether you agree with me or not, thank you for making it this far.

[smokeonshadows]

Aladdin (2019) Headcanons Part 9

Wow, it’s been a while since I last posted one of these, but Desert Moon popped up on my youtube feed and I couldn’t resist. So here are my headcanons about Jasmine’s mom (I’ll be building on all the headcanon I laid out in the previous posts, which you can find here).

The late Sultana, a princess of Shirabad, was the great love of the Sultan’s life (despite it having been an arranged marriage). I’m imagining a Hürrem/Suleiman the Magnificent type situation in which royal men were traditionally expected to have many wives/concubines, but the Sultan was so in love with the Sultana that he’d only marry her. Going by my previous headcanon about the Sultan, he was the youngest of his brothers and never expected to inherit the throne, so this decision was met with some resistance, but not too much. However, once it became clear that the throne would go to him, suddenly there would’ve been a lot of pressure to take on at least one more wife, but of course, he refused.

The Sultana’s life in the royal court was very difficult. Not only was she far from her homeland, but due to misogyny and her status as an outsider, many of the courtiers blamed her for not only not fulfilling her duty in giving the Sultan a male heir, but also for keeping him from having an heir with anyone else. Like Hürrem, maybe there were even rumors that she had bewitched the Sultan.

Palace life was suffocating for her, so she often went into the city incognito as a way to escape. She grew to love her new adopted home of Agrabah and wanted to get to know her people. The Sultan knew that she was going out, and though he was concerned, he never forbade her from going.

Personality-wise, I think the Sultana was braver and stronger-willed than the Sultan. When she realized that she would be the next Sultana and not just another princess, she accepted that responsibility and tried her best to rise to the occasion. She didn’t play a role in governing, nor did she have much interest in that, but she saw herself as being the soft power behind the throne. She not only went on many diplomatic trips abroad to strengthen Agrabah’s alliances, but she also made herself more accessible to her own subjects to show them that their concerns were being heard.

This might be contrary to what others might headcanon, but I think it might be interesting to have the Sultana be kind of hesitant about motherhood. I like to imagine that she was a middle child from a large family. There were always lots of children everywhere, which, despite being accustomed to it, she always found a little off-putting, and she also had at least some knowledge of the birthing process and how painful it was, which added to her hesitation. When she had first married the Sultan, because at that time he was expected to live and die as nothing more than a prince, it didn’t seem like children (or the lack thereof) would be an issue, they would have plenty of time before starting a family and even if they remained childless, the royal line didn’t depend on them so it wouldn’t matter. But then everything changed when the Sultan was suddenly the last viable heir to the throne, and suddenly it was all up to her to ensure the future of the royal bloodline.

It would take them years of trying until finally Jasmine was conceived, and she ended up being a very difficult pregnancy. Despite, or maybe even because of that, the Sultana was overjoyed at Jasmine’s birth even if the court (and to an extent, the Sultan) were disappointed.

Unlike other royal mothers, the Sultana wanted to raise Jasmine herself primarily (rather than have nannies and nurses raise her). She taught Jasmine the traditional songs, dances, and folk tales of Shirabad (which many at the royal court disapproved of). She told Jasmine stories of not just all the faraway lands she had been to, but also of all the things she saw when she went into the city. Every time the Sultana returned from one of her outings, she’d bring Jasmine back a small gift. When Jasmine was a little older, the Sultana would take her into the city, too, telling her that a good ruler needs to walk among her people. Even as the Sultana kept trying to have a son, she always believed that Jasmine’s rightful place was on the throne. She knew that it was what her daughter wanted, and she would do everything she could to prepare her for it. For Jasmine, her mother was the only one in her life who ever supported her dreams. As she grew older, she saw her mother as a respite from her constant need to prove herself to her father.

By the time Jafar came into the picture, the Sultana had finally gotten the hang of the whole parenting thing, so she was able to act as an adoptive mother to him as well. He was an older child and his life had been one of always looking over his shoulder, so the Sultana really had to earn his trust. The Sultana had no obligation to pay him any mind (the Sultan had already hired a set of caretakers for him), but she had felt an immediate connection with him. Jafar reminded her a little of herself when she first came to the royal court– awkward, foreign, feeling like she had to walk on eggshells all day because it was so evident that she just didn’t belong. The fact that he was also from Shirabad made her feel more protective of him, even though he didn’t want to be reminded of his homeland and his old life. Jafar did come to love her almost as much as Jasmine did. Unlike the Sultan’s attention, Jafar felt that the Sultana’s love was truly unconditional. Still, Jafar never let himself forget that his loyalty first and foremost was to himself and his own parents, whom he had lost tragically.

I think there would be some jealousy on Jasmine’s part regarding her mother’s relationship with Jafar. In some ways it was better than the situation with her father because (she was more secure in her relationship with her mother), and in other ways, it was worse (she knew that she would be devastated if it turned out that even her mother, the one person that she thought really knew her, preferred Jafar). Jasmine wanted to have both her parents to herself.

The Sultana often acted as a mediator and peacekeeper between Jasmine and Jafar, and they always refrained from arguing in front of her. If I really want to be bold with this headcanon, I’d also say that the Sultana saw early on that Jasmine and Jafar were both well suited to the throne (and to each other) and hoped that they would find a way to rule Agrabah together. After her death, the relationship between Jasmine and Jafar became even more strained not only because they no longer had a peacekeeper, but also because they both missed her stability and unconditional love.

Jafar kept his hatred of Shirabad under wraps as long as the Sultana was alive out of respect for her, but after she died, all bets were off. As soon as Jafar was able to have any real influence, he set his sights on instigating a conflict with Shirabad. In Jasmine’s eyes, this was the utmost disrespect to her mother’s legacy and she saw this as a deep betrayal by Jafar (furthering their conflict with each other).

It’s been a while since I watched the movie, but I think it was implied that Jasmine’s mother had died shortly before the events of the movie. However, I’d like to headcanon her death taking place a little earlier, like when Jasmine was around 11 or 12. That way, Jasmine would’ve been old enough to remember her mother and to have had a relationship with her, but she still would’ve been living with that loss for a while. And this timing also fits with my earlier headcanon of Jasmine starting to sneak out into the city in her early teens as a way to feel closer to her mom.

It’s also strongly implied that the Sultana’s death was violent (I previously speculated that it was a mugging gone wrong). I considered headcanoning it as just a freak accident in the city, but then decided against it. I think it would be more interesting to have Jasmine struggle with seeing the outside world in all its complexity and contradiction (it’s as beautiful and exciting as all her mother’s stories about it, but it’s also as dangerous and violent as her father fears it to be ).

[thebachelordiaries]

Clare seeks HIMBO: ‘The Bachelorette’ cast first impressions

The Covid-19 pandemic has been rough for the entire world, but Bachelor Nation faced some dark days too. Going eight months without a single new episode from The Bachelor franchise is something I would really like to not relive.

Fortunately, those dark days are over. Clare’s season has me sucked back in. 

The quality of this image is atrocious.

Most of these men—presuming they followed CDC’s social distancing guidelines— haven’t seen a woman in months, are touch deprived, possibly unemployed and contemplating moving back to their hometown while stalking the housing market on Zillow. Everyone’s desperate. That makes for some pretty good TV.

This season features men ranging from ages 26 to 41. We’ve got a boy band manager, a grooming specialist, several men who look like they masturbate in front of full length mirrors and even more who probably want me to join their MLM pyramid scheme. 

I’ve never been more ready to roast a bunch of men who have nightmares about going bald. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since March.

Let’s go:

AJ, 28, Software sales

AJ is the kind of guy who writes “Looking for the Pam to my Jim <3″ on his Bumble profile. His bio is generic and probably not reflective of who he is as a person. If I were Clare I’d swipe left.

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.” 

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests. 

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked? 

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late. 

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare. 

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that. 

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life. 

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts. 

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story. 

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Who are your favorite men cast on this season?

[thewindorsomefuriousvexation]

World Building the Wives from MMFR background for my own sanity

I have a lot of ideas about who the wives were before Immortan Joe got them. A lot of stuff is going to be pulled from the game more so than the comics because it really does speak of a world outside of their car chase through the desert,

The Splendid Angharad (also known as "Splendid" or simply "Angharad")

I honestly believe Splendid is the daughter of The Gyro Captain and ‘The Captain's Girl’, she was never given an official name it seems. Due to the old Max’s actions, her mother and father (they could easily have been her grandparents as well) were able to escape and create the Great Northern Tribe in ‘Paradise’. I really do think the people made it there and lived happily for a handful of years. Of course with something like that sitting out in the open and the tribe didn’t really have any warriors left, a bigger stronger group came along and pillaged/captured it. Angharad wasn’t captured by the War Boys at first, but by a lower ranking group of raiders whom she traveled with for a short time, eventually being traded as shown in one of the comics. No one grows up in the Wasteland not knowing that ‘everything out here hurts’ unless they were extremely privileged. Seeing as The Captian’s Girl wasn’t really all that involved with the fighting, we can assume she got her reluctance to kill from her, while also having her father’s attitude towards anti-establishment. But heres the kicker, i think her father was kidnapped (its not shown in the comic) with her and her Mother was either left for dead out in the wastes or killed in the first raid. He was probably used as a bargaining chip to get her to comply, thrown onto the wheel and worked himself to death and thus his head is used as an ornament on Nux’s car. She doesn’t speak of ‘Paradise’ because she knows it is no longer there unlike Furiosa who still believed ‘the green place’ existed.

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Toast the Knowing

“According to Fury Road writer Nico Lathouris, Toast has come from the Wasteland. She was most likely passing through War Boy's territory and was captured by them. According to him, she most likely has some experience from the Wasteland, has been taught to defend herself, be able to drive a car and operate weapons.”

If i had to give a guess, i would say Toast was from one of the strongholds in the Mad Max video game. My best bet would be on either Jeet or Pink Eye’s strongholds. If she was with Jeet i would be more likely to believe she grew up with a small family, perhaps a father and older brother, or just a father. Under Jeet’s leadership and her Father’s guidance she would have defiantly learned all the skills she would need to live in the Wasteland. Jeet was a guy where he would say ‘everyone’s got a job’ and put her to work early on as a child. Perhaps she was on a supply run with another Wastelander or her Father when the War Boy’s found them and ran them down. Her Father/other person would have been killed and herself captured. Maybe one day, after she helps the Citadel, she would go back to try and make an alliance with Jeet or whomever else was running the place now.

If she was with Pink Eye, than i would say she probably knows some of those War Pups. Pink Eye was known for raising children and they were some of the brightest in the Wasteland. Toast obviously display’s her intelligence when she is naming vehicles from afar and knows her bullets. But at some point Pink Eye has to send her children out into the world, Max helps them gather supplies to do so, and so we can assume the Stronghold was nearing it’s end, thus why Toast never speaks about it. She and the children would have been sent out into the world on their ‘wind powered machine’ and cruising through some territories. The War Boys could have easily seen their massive sail and chased after them. Toast and the other older one’s would have fought and shot, but with so many children they were no chance. The War Boys would have captured her and any healthy children, raided the supplies they had, and left the others for dead.

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Capable

Capable, i believe, was the daughter of either the Bullet Farmer or the People Eater. Even though she was the daughter of one of these men, I don’t believe she was given a lot of freedom or respect. Her Mother was the daughter of a great Singer, Elvis Presley, who was captured a long time ago. Gifted with her Father’s talent, she passed it onto Capable thus how she knows to play the guitar in the comics. She would have no doubt have had half brother’s or sisters, either they died young or were sent off to ‘do war’ for the Immortan. Eventually, once she came of age she was gifted to Joe as a Wife, thus ripping her from her Mother. Her Mother maybe fought to keep her daughter, but was deemed ‘too old’ and killed or left out in the waste’s to die. With the only thing she considered home gone, she would not try to go back for obvious reasons. Capable was probably groomed from a young age on how to ‘act’ for the Immortan, but would put up a front while secretly getting their fighting spirit from her Mother. While Angharad was pretty much the mother of the group, Capable easily takes over that role once she is gone which leads me to believe she was given a lot of motherly attention. Plus she seemed pretty comfortable around a War Boy aka Nux which tells me she had plenty of experiences dealing with them.

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The Dag

The Dag is probably one of the few left whom one could call a mystic of sorts. Despite her outlandish behavior, she seems to connive with the world on a different level than the other Wives. Her personality is a lot like Griffa’s, despite being a little childish she has the pillars to be one day a history woman or even some sort of wanderer whom goes around spreading stories/life lessons. My theory with her is that she use to be a Buzzard, or atleast a ‘diggling’ (children used by buzzards to dig and scavenge stuff from the old world underground). She was either kidnapped as a child or was born to a woman there whom had no social standing in the Buzzards. She, her Mother, and the other lower society may have one day realized there was more of them than there were Buzzards and fought back. Unfortunately, the casualties were great on both sides and everyone was scattered. Dag may have gone underground for a while, scavenging what she could, seeing what the old world was but not really understanding it. Eventually she came to the surface, was seen by a War Party, and captured before she could scuttle back underground. This would explain her almost ‘feral and defiant’ nature when trying to stand up against Joe. She may have never been a proper Buzzard, but she gained their quick snappish personality and fierce protectiveness of those she considers her own.

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Cheedo the Fragile

Cheedo knew not of anything outside the Citadel and lived comfortably her whole life. My belief is that she was born to what was considered ‘middle class’ at the Citadel, those whom have valuable skills. Her Mother and Father were taken/captured by Joe when her Mother was pregnant with her. But as soon as Cheedo was born, her Mother died, thus leaving it up to her Father to show they were worthy of staying. He proved himself and probably raised Cheedo in the middle class, away from the prying eyes of the Immortan. With her father raising her, Cheedo didn’t have to believe Joe was ‘a god’ as believed by the War Boys and the Wretched. When she came of age, obviously someone saw her and reported it to Joe. He promised her a better life no doubt, leaving out certain details which i’m sure the middle class was naive to at the time, and took her away from her father. Most likely her father tried to get her back once he learned of what was going to happen, he was killed, and Cheedo was just told ‘he passed peacefully and or killed in an accident’. With also the only one not rapped yet, this would explain why she idolized and thought Joe was a quote on quote “good man” who would “forgive them”. With no other family left but Joe and the Wives, she would have clung onto them as we see in the movie and make up any excuse she could.

[chaoticspacefam]

OC Music Meme

I was tagged for this by @actualanxiousswampwitch ! Thank you & sorry it took so long, didn’t have time to write this out before I left for holiday stuff so here we go! I shall tag: @actualanxiousswampwitch (go on give us another one XD), @a-muirehen​ , @kyber-heart​ , @thedinalixlegacy​ (no pressure as always, I know I’m kinda late now sksjkshskhs!) and anyone else who wants to do this, yes, I promise I mean you!

art is by @ ocellifera on deviantART! :D

Let’s do Aria this time, shall we! Since her playlist is the second-longest, and her and Vano’s ship playlist is the longest, we’ll have the most (probable options! Long post so goin’ under a cut. Additional TW’s for: drugs, alcohol, alcoholism, drug addiction and murder, in case I’ve forgotten to add it to the song-specific sections. If you click past this cut, know that this is what you may find there.

reminds you of them most: It was super hard to pick just three for hers, there were so many others I wanted to include here, but couldn’t, as I wanted to make sure I included songs that covered as much of her over-arching characterisation as I could. Honourable mentions to: Miss Jackson - Panic! At The Disco feat. LOLO, Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - Fall Out Boy, Beekeeper - Keaton Henson, and Bones Of A Rabbit - Young Heretics, which can all be found (and more) on her Spotify Playlist - catch-all warning for: sex, drugs, violence and murdering of parents applies here, be aware her playlist is very dark, just as dark as Rai’s but with differing subject matter, proceed with caution if you find anything like that triggering!)

You’re Going Down - Sick Puppies :: This one is kinda self-explanatory. I heard it on a Spotify or Youtube shuffle at some point a year or so ago and immediately went “Oh, hey Aria!” so onto her playlist it went XD “Because I'm hyped up out of control If it's a fight, I'm ready to go I wouldn't put my money on the other guy If you know what I know that I know.”  don’t mess with the Tiny Sith, guys, she will put you in the medbay. She’ll do it, she’s done it before ask Vano what happened to the last guy *nods*

Liar - The Arcadian Wild :: This is a relatively “new” song in comparison, which was sent to me by a good rp/writer friend on Discord (who afaik doesn’t have other socials!) that I often discuss plot points etc. with among other things, saying “hey this reminded me of Aria thought you’d like it!”. I listened to it and yep, sure enough, it’s an Aria song. A big part of Aria’s character is that at the start, she really is quite a bad person. She’s nasty, and cantankerous and she really doesn’t care about anybody except for herself (and maybe her dad. A tiny bit.), as things progress, however, while she is still inherently quite rude and selfish, she DOES learn to value other people...provided they are people she cares about, like Vano, and her friends, and so on,  as well as (sometimes, she’s working on it still) taking the blame for her own actions and learning it’s not “weak” or bad to a) admit you care about people, b) make mistakes and c) admit those mistakes and take responsibility for them. "I sense there’s trouble ahead, it’s clear by the signs and warnings. That should tell where all blame is due, So why are they pointing at MY head? [...] I sense deception to come. Honestly, truth and I are never one. 'Cause I am the lying man and I have made you my next victim. I need you to see through my act, to tell me I'm wrong, to take off the mask, or else I'll be left in the lie. And I'll deceive my way straight to demise! Cause I’m not in the right state of mind, I just wish I had strength to admit it. My stubbornness will put up a fight! But I don’t deserve to win it... I’m left in the dark, pondering my mistakes But in the light I swear I will, deny it all...” 

I didn’t mean to post like half the song but woops it’s done so have it anyway lmao

Brutus - The Buttress :: TW: intense violent imagery in the lyrics. This one is very relevant but contains spoilers for upcoming and as of yet unposted/incomplete chapters (as in...like 3 ish chapters time at most) of Creeping Shadows, so I’ll post this quote as “explanation” and let you theorize who it’s about

“My name is Brutus and my name means “heavy” So with a heavy heart I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my Enemy! My whole life you were a teacher and friend to me Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy I too have a destiny! This death will be art! The people will speak of this day from near and afar This event will be history, And I'll be great too! I don't want what you have, I wanna be you!!“

reminds another character of them:

Where’s My Love? - SYML :: (Vano) I think the acoustic version is especially emotional : ))) Vano looked for her for years but couldn’t find her and genuinely thought Aria was dead. You can understand why she was so fucking angry when she found out that was a lie...but at the same time, she just wanted her love to come home :( “Did she run away? Did she run away? I don't know If she ran away, If she ran away, Come back home Just come home“

Mothers - Daughter :: (Myla, her mother) “Love all you need to love before it goes... When your face becomes a stranger’s that I don’t know. You will never remember who I was to you [...] I’m called “mother”, but they’re called “home”.”

Myla raised Aria for the first few years of her life, and really wanted to keep her away from both the Jedi and the Sith but as it became more and more clear that Aria’s Force affinity was as strong as her father’s, the situation rapidly spiralled out of Myla’s control. She tried to hide Aria, but in the end her father Noctis did find them and take Aria to train with the Sith. She didn’t see her daughter again until she was a teenager, suddenly turning up with the task to kill her for treason against the Empire (Myla is not the canon Imp Agent, but follows the general trajectory of the LS!Agent storyline i.e. an agent disillusioned with the Empire who eventually defects to the Republic with the help of the SIS.). Though she’s a Senator on Onderon now, Myla carried a blaster for personal protection and ofc knows how to use it, except...she couldn’t shoot her own daughter and that was all she wrote. I imagine her thought process during her final moments went something like in this song, especially the bit that I highlighted up there.

reminds you of a relationship of theirs, doesn’t have to be romantic, can be paternal, friendly, etc:

Tongues & Teeth - The Crane Wives :: Aria & Vano (Romantic). Aria’s relationship with Vano is incredibly messy and complicated. On one hand, she knows Vano deserves better, but at the same time she doesn’t want her to go anywhere else and it seems like no matter what she does to try and “warn her off” about what a “bad person” she is, Vano keeps coming back anyway. Ergo, this song. "Oh, I will ruin you. I will ruin you. It’s a habit...I can’t help it. I know that you mean so well, but I am not a vessel for your good intent. I will only break your pretty things, I will only wring you dry of everything! But if you’re fine with that, if you’re fine with that [...] You can be mine.”

Colours - Halsey :: Aria & Merak & Ziri (Friendship/Platonic Love) “You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope, I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old...”

Aria “coped” (i.e. not very well but she did it) with the guilt of killing her mother and the stress brought on by the night terrors by self-medicating with glitterstims (spice) and alcohol, and this is how Merak in particular remembers her. Though she got clean from spice after they picked up Ziri, she still continued to drink (and still does) quite heavily, though at least it’s easier to manage that habit. Both of them supported her through this the best they could and it’s probably a big reason (other than Merak being Vano’s little brother) that they’re still Aria’s friends to this day, even if she doesn’t actively travel with them anymore.

(honourable mention to Agnes - Glass Animals which also falls under this “category” but I didn’t want this to get too crowded lmao, it is once again a super long post woops) You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring :: Aria & Roan/Darth Noctis (Familial/Familial Love) Listen, he may have taught her very bad emotional habits and turned her into a tiny attack dog, but her father did love & protect her the best way he possibly could. He was very proud of her and always envisioned her taking his place as a Darth one day (and it takes her a longass while, but eventually she does! Congrats dad!). That’s all I’ve got to say about this one 🤷‍♀️ Monster - Willyecho :: Aria & Satele Shan/The Jedi Order (Enemies to Begrudging Respect (eventually) “I can see the truth. No, you don’t have to lie to me. Don’t fill your head with things and think you’re free~ [...] You don’t believe in monsters, do you~?” ”Of course not!” ”Well, I do...” See me change...into something...darker....” My personal favourite from this “round”. It’s not until Ilum that Satele and the Jedi finally realise they have not “converted” Aria as they thought they did, but rather...they’ve had a Sith hiding under their noses, a Sith related to a Dark Councillor well-known for murdering Jedi no less, and that perhaps...the “deaths” she had convinced them were accidental, were in fact, not an accident at all. 😈 Aria, of course, gets her ass thrown in jail for a few years for this lmao When the schtick with the Revanites happens and Theron needs someone who can “negotiate in a civil manner with Sith”, he and his mother agree Aria is the best bet - if it works, the Sith will respond more positively to her than any other Jedi, if they kill her instead then they’re “rid of” her and don’t lose one of their own - when Lana’s point-of-contact happens to be Vano and the pair reunite after another several years apart, Aria refuses to return to the Republic after Yavin IV. By then, she’s developed enough of a begrudging respect for Satele (and vice versa) that the Grand Master lets her go (not that she was willing to try and fight Vano, Ni’kasi, Marr & Lana to try and take Aria prisoner again anyways). They haven’t seen each other since and though Aria is neutral to the Jedi who have joined the Alliance, she doesn’t care for those who are still loyal to the Republic and would rather have nothing to do with them if she can help it.

[atlantic-riona]

A Retelling of Bricriu’s Feast

(or, as I like to call it, “Who Will Be Ireland’s Top Couple?”)

disclaimer: this is a very paraphrased, pieced together retelling of a myth. it’s got bits that are summarized and bits that are added and bits that are skipped over and bits that are from a ton of different versions.

it’s how I would tell this story to someone who has no prior knowledge of Irish myths; when I retell Irish myths to kids, this is usually the style I tell them in. it’s meant to be funny and entertaining. it’s not at all scholarly. if you want the actual myths, please feel free to ask! I’ll tell you my sources so you can see the original.

with that out of the way, here we go:

Bricriu throws a feast and he’s trying to get all the Ulstermen to fight

bear in mind he spent a year building a lavish house SPECIFICALLY for this purpose, with a secret balcony for him to be able to see everything going on without being seen

Bricriu is The Troublemaker™ of Ireland

anyway when everything’s ready, off he goes to Emain Macha, where the king of Ulster (Conchobar) and the Ulaid (men of Ulster) are throwing their own party

Bricriu tells Conchobar about all the cool house he built and how he’s throwing a feast there, wouldn’t he like to come? Conchobar, not being great at recognizing when Mischief Is Afoot, is like, “sweet! I’ll go if everybody else will go”

then good old Fergus mac Roich and all the other chieftains go, “mmm...hard pass”

“if we go to his feast, he’ll make us fight, and then our dead will outnumber the living”

you think they’re being dramatic but you haven’t seen Bricriu’s response yet

Bricriu: if you don’t go to my party I’ll do way worse than that

Conchobar *side eyes him*: like...what?

Bricriu: I’ll make all the kings and warriors and youths and chiefs fight each other, and you’ll all murder each other unless you come to my party

Conchobar:

the other Ulaid:

Conchobar: yeah, no, we do that on a daily basis anyway. what else you got?

Bricriu: okay, if that’s not bad enough, I’ll make all the daughters and mothers fight each other, and if that’s not enough for you, I’ll make all the women fight each other until their breasts are RUINED

the Ulaid: *horrified gasp*

Fergus, a known womanizer: noT THE WOMEN

Fergus: we gotta go to this party

luckily, the other chieftains hold off long enough to come up with a plan (mainly due to Sencha, a judge and poet, who is like. the only one here with any common sense)

and their plan is to demand hostages from Bricriu to ensure their safety AND as soon as the feast is ready to be eaten, eight swordsmen will force Bricriu to leave the room so he can’t incite them to violence

outwardly Bricriu’s all, “of course! no problem! I just want us all to have a good time!” while on the inside he’s cackling maniacally or something

“YES THEY FELL INTO MY TRAP”

all the Ulaid happily march off to Bricriu’s new house (free food! drink! a good time had by all! except NOT)

Bricriu spends the whole time plotting, and finally hits upon a way to incite mischief (as he usually does) along the way

he sidles up to a hero named Loegaire and starts praising him (very poetically, might I add), and finally tells him that he definitely deserves the Champion’s Portion

[scholarly digression #1: the Champion’s Portion in Irish mythology is where the warrior who’s considered the bravest is awarded the best cut of meat and given precedence over all others. lots of fights get started over it. like this one!]

and Loegaire’s like, “no duh, of course I deserve it”

Bricriu says that Loegaire should take his advice if he wants to be recognized as The Best in Ireland, and Loegaire happily agrees (I guess he also is Unable To Recognize when there is Mischief Afoot)

Bricriu then goes off and describes what the Champion’s Portion will be at his feast

(it’s a descriptive list, Irish myths do this a lot, but basically it goes like this: a cauldron big enough to fit three men full of wine, a boar and a cow that will be super tasty because of how they’ve been fed, and 100 wheatcakes cooked in honey)

forgot to mention that the Champion’s Portion doesn’t just have to be the best cut of meat, so there’s that

and then he tells Loegaire that when the feast is ready, to have his charioteer stand up and the Champion’s Portion will be given to him

questions: how?? where is it all gonna go?? is Loegaire expected to eat that in one sitting???

alas, there are no answers given to us

by the end of this, Loegaire’s all pumped up and tells Bricriu that the portion better be given to him, or else blood will be spilled

when Conchobar said that killing each other was a daily occurrence, he wasn’t kidding, guys

Bricriu then goes to Conall Cernach, another hero, and repeats the same spiel, amping up the deceit, so he’s twice as slimy, I guess

Conall also doesn’t recognize Stranger Danger and falls for the lies

THEN Bricriu goes to Cúchulainn (who is, just so you know, the Hero of this particular cycle of Irish mythology), and really lays it on thick

Bricriu: why should anybody else get the Champion’s Portion when you exist?

Cúchulainn: anyone who tries to take the Champion’s Portion besides myself will lose their head, courtesy of me

Bricriu: nice. very violent

Bricriu then goes and mingles like there’s no tomorrow, pretending that he didn’t just set up the most awful prank ever

they get to the house, everybody settles in, the feast gets set up, and then everybody gives Bricriu The Look

as he’s being escorted out at swordpoint, he points out the Champion’s Portion and says it should go to the best warrior in Ulster

the Irish equivalent of Eris throwing the Apple of Discord into the midst of the Greek gods, only manlier

the three heroes’ charioteers stand up in order to get the champion’s portion for their respective masters and do a collective double take when they see the others, only with more shouting and insults

then the three heroes start fighting while the rest of the Ulaid sit at the table, looking at each other like “I just wanted to eat my food, can we please not”

finally Sencha tells Conchobar, “hey. can you like...be the king and stop this?” (I told you he was the only one with any common sense)

Conchobar and Fergus break up the fight and then Sencha says, “right, here’s how this is going to work. we’re going to divide it equally among everybody tonight—YES, everybody, sit down, Loegaire—and then tomorrow we’ll get judgement from elsewhere. everybody go off and get drunk now”

which they do, happily

Bricriu, sitting in his hidden balcony with his wife, is Not Pleased at the way his mischief is being ruined, courtesy of Sencha, and starts thinking up ways to start up fights between the wives who accompanied their husbands here

he sees Fedelm, the wife of Loegaire, leaving the hall with her fifty attendants, in search of fresh air (because they’d all been drinking a lot) and goes, “oh! new idea!”

he tells her (and then as they come out in turn, Conall’s wife Lendabair and Cúchulainn’s wife Emer) that whoever gets back inside the hall first is the Best Woman in Ulster

all the ladies are like, “nice. it’s going to be me”

gotta love that confidence

they mosey about outside, breathe in that nice night air, and then eventually decide to go back in and rejoin the party

so at first, they’re walking back all stately. then, they start to move faster. and then it becomes an all out sprint

they cause so much noise (because their attendants are really confused and also running, and there’s probably about a hundred of those people) that all the warriors, inside, think they’re under attack

they jump up and make as if to kill each other

because that’s a good reaction

but then again, as you’ve seen, the Ulaid will kill each other for no reason at all, so why are we surprised

but Sencha’s like “WAIT THIS IS BRICRIU AGAIN” so he orders the doors to be shut so that there won’t be fighting and killing on behalf of the women

Emer’s the fastest, so just as the door closes she reaches the entrance and tells them to open it because she won. Cúchulainn’s like, “sweet,” and gets up to open the door for her, but then the other ladies’ husbands go, “wait. MY wife is the best,” and they get up too

they don’t even know what their wives are competing in, but they support them anyway

now THAT’S some relationship goals right there

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Conchobar’s all “STOP STOP STOP” and makes them all sit down (though if I was going to bet on that fight I would bet on Cúchulainn) and he says they’ll have to duel this out with words

(epic rap battle)

(but not really)

so each of the other ladies give a quick speech about how they’re the bestest and queenliest and prettiest, and their husbands are the greatest heroes, and so they should be let in first

and then Emer destroys them

she’s like, “okay you might be pretty but actually WAIT NO YOU’RE NOT”

“I’m the most beautiful AND I’m the wisest AND I’m the most graceful in the whole darn country”

“and everybody KNOWS IT”

“Mary Poppins might be practically perfect in every way, but I’m actually perfect in every way”

(obviously I’m doing some extreme paraphrasing here)

and then she goes, “oh, you know who else is perfect? my husband” and basically calls the other ladies’ husbands feeble when compared to Cúchulainn and goes on a rant on how great her husband is

anyway, after this praise, all the husbands are all, “yeah, my wife is DEFINITELY the Best so I’m gonna let her in now. doors? who needs doors?”

the other two rip out parts of the wall so their wives can come in

but Cúchulainn casually lifts up one side of the house so Emer AND all her attendants (plus the other wives’ attendants) can get in

which they do, and Emer’s looking around like, “yep, I am the Best and so’s my husband, beat that”

and then Cúchulainn goes “meh” and drops the house, but it goes too far into the ground so it’s lopsided now

which happens to knock Bricriu and his wife over off their secret balcony into the mud

so Bricriu storms into the house, unrecognizable because he’s covered in mud, points a finger at the Ulstermen and yells, “FIX THIS,” and puts a geis on them so they won’t eat or sleep or drink until everything in his house has been put back in order

and the Ulstermen are like “oh no” “our dinner is in danger”

(as their dinner often is)

so they go out and do their best, but it doesn’t budge. they ask Cúchulainn to fix it and he tries to lift the house again, but fails. he gets angry about this and gets undergoes his warp spasm (a.k.a. all his hair gets sucked into his head and his ribs become really prominent and a lot of weird stuff happens to him. like the Hulk, but more disturbing. I don’t know. Cúchulainn goes through a lot) and puts the house back where it was.

then everybody’s like, “thank god, food,” and they sit down to eat.

but everybody’s still talking about who is The Best, and the women are still arguing about it, which makes their husbands get up in arms about it, so finally Sencha (still the only one with any common sense) goes, “guys. please. we’re eating. save the drama for after the food”

and Emer goes, “make me” and proceeds to reiterate why she and Cúchulainn are The Best. why? because she can. and nobody’s gonna stop her.

so Connall says to her, “okay, and? let’s see him do all this great stuff you’ve been saying he can do”

dude’s looking for a fight I guess

Cúchulainn, normally all about fighting everybody, passes because he had a busy day and needs to recuperate before fighting anyone

which is true, he had a very busy day. he was busy wrestling a horse that came out of a lake so he could ride it everywhere.

goals

and then he lifted up an entire house. twice. dude’s tired

he tells everybody this and then says, “fighting you will be fun, but later. need to eat. and sleep. then I’ll fight and maybe kill you”

*thumbs up*

anyway the fighting is put on hold for a couple days

but then the heroes start bickering about it, so Bricriu tells them to go to a man named Curoi mac Daire so he can judge them

you know the drill. each hero sets out separate from the others and rides through the night, with their charioteers. at some point a magic mist shows up and makes them lose their way. a giant appears and they fight. Conall and Loegaire end up running away, ditching their chariots and charioteer. tsk, tsk. Cúchulainn, however, beats up the giant, who forfeits. Cúchulainn heads back towards Emain (and he brings the other heroes’ stuff back with him to boot)

do they thank him? ABSOLUTELY NOT

Bricriu’s about to give Cúchulainn the Champion’s Portion, but the other heroes go “uh-uh. no way. that was not human. that was a guy from the Otherworld. he’s probably a friend of Cúchulainn’s. that whole thing was RIGGED”

so nothing’s solved and everyone’s back to fighting again

Conchobar’s all, “gotta get these guys OUT of here,” and decides to bring them to Aillil and Medb in Cruachan (a rival king and queen, who are kind of like the Ulaid’s frenemies? it’s complicated)

everybody heads off to Cruachan, but Cúchulainn hangs behind to entertain the ladies by performing feats with apples and knives and javelins, as one does

his charioteer Laeg finally goes up to him and says , “dude. buddy. are you stupid or what? everybody else has already reached Cruachan by now, you’ve lost the Champion’s Portion”

this is usually how Laeg talks to him, btw

running on Pure Spite™, Cúchulainn says, “I think NOT” and they set off towards Cruachan, Laeg insulting him the whole way to make him go faster

they go so fast that they get there first

also they cause an earthquake on the way in

rip

more feasting commences

then Conchobar brings up why they’re here and gets Aillil and Medb to agree to be the judge. as soon as that’s done, he and the other Ulstermen yeet themselves out of there as fast as possible

depending on the version, three magic cats attacked the heroes while they were eating or while they were sleeping. either way, Conall and Loegaire jump to the rafters and stay there for the rest of the night.

Cúchulainn doesn’t do anything until one of the cats tries to eat him or tries to eat his food (it’s unclear). either way, Cúchulainn ain’t having it. he tries to chop off its head, but it bounces off the creature’s neck. because magic. so he basically stays on guard against the cats all night

(kind of reminds me of all my friends with cats who try to walk on their faces during the night so they have to protect themselves)

(Extreme Cat Owner Sport)

in the morning, the cats disappear, Aillil and Medb come in. “awesome, looks like we have a winner,” they say, eager to wash their hands of the Ulster heroes. “NO WAY,” say Conall and Loegaire. “that was RIGGED. this is a contest between MEN, not MAGIC PEOPLE. this doesn’t count”

it’s unclear whether they’re still in the rafters at this point. I like to think they are, because that’s way funnier

Aillil’s like “oh dear” and sits in his bedroom for a few days because he’s so worried about this. finally Medb loses patience (as Medb often does), and says, “you coward! make up your mind or I will”

Aillil waffles and says the decision is really difficult

Medb says, “think again. Loegaire and Conall Cernach are as different as bronze and silver, while Conall Cernach and Cúchulainn are as different as silver and gold. this decision is a piece of cake”

and then Medb goes, “wait, I just had a really great idea that will get these guys out of our hair AND make Conchobar upset. I’m going to do it”

“you’re not even going to think about it for a second?” Aillil says uncertainly

“absolutely not. I’m a genius.” and away she goes

she summons the heroes one by one

to Loegaire, she says, “you are Ulster’s greatest hero and you deserve the Champion’s Portion. here’s a bronze cup. but don’t show it to anybody until you get back to Ulster, m’kay?”

Loegaire goes “nice” and they both drink some wine. then he leaves for Ulster

she does the same spiel for Conall, only he gets a silver cup instead of a bronze. they drink, he leaves.

Medb sends someone for Cúchulainn because he hasn’t shown up yet.

in one version, he’s asleep.

in another, he’s playing chess with Laeg.

anyway, the messenger shows up and Cúchulainn offs him with either a rock or a chess-piece. he’s a big fan of killing the messenger. this is not a new thing.

Medb puts her arms around his neck (is she trying to hug him? stab him? who knows) but Cúchulainn is all “you’re about to get slaughtered if you don’t get your hands off me”

“but Cúchulainn, I was going to say that you’re The Best,” Medb says, very slyly

“well in that case let’s go”

they go, Medb tells him that he’s The Best, and gives him a really sweet golden cup with precious gems all over it. and, bonus, she says that Emer is also The Best

this makes Cúchulainn happy. he drinks a lot of wine and leaves.

which makes Medb and Aillil happy. everybody’s happy.

but it is not The End yet

in some versions there are more tests, but I’ll sum them up for you: everybody agrees Cúchulainn and Emer are The Best

there is definitely a pattern here

gosh if only a decision had been reached by multiple sources as to who’s the best so that all this fighting could be put to rest

alas

it was not to be

back on the ranch

in Ulster, all the heroes are back and it is Feasting Time

everything’s been served except for...

dun dun dun

the Champion’s Portion

someone asks the obvious question: “who’s it going to? none of the three returned with a prize from Medb”

DUN DUN DUN

Loegaire stands up and proclaims that he is the champion because Medb said so and also he has this wicked bronze cup she gave him so there

Conall Cernach and Cúchulainn scoff

Conall Cernach stands up and says “it is a well known fact that rock beats scissors and furthermore, that silver beats bronze”

he holds up the silver cup Medb gave him and declares himself the winner

“that’s a no, actually,” Cúchulainn says, and pulls out the really sweet golden cup Medb gave him. “rock beats scissors and silver beats bronze, but gold beats everything. so, actually, I’m The Best. also Medb said Emer is The Best so there.”

“absolutely not,” the other two say. “you totally paid Medb and Ailill to give that to you. LET’S FIGHT”

these two are very sore losers, aren’t they

Cúchulainn’s all “COME AT ME” but Conchobar and Fergus step in to restrain the other two (again)

sad

anyway, everybody agrees that this is getting to be way too much but they can’t think of a solution

what do they do

THEY FEAST OF COURSE

so everybody’s feasting and whatnot, when suddenly the doors blow open, all dramatic like

and in comes a giant, who’s super ugly and frightening. he’s carrying an axe and a chopping block

surprising no one, he’s not here to sell some Girl Scout cookies

it gets really awkward because the giant’s glaring at them and they’re trying to avoid his gaze until finally Sencha asks what he wants

the giant says “I want to meet someone who can keep a bargain. I’ve been all over the world looking for such a person, but I haven’t found him yet. I’ve heard that you Ulstermen are always boasting about your bravery and your honor, so I’m here to put it to the test.”

Conchobar goes “alright, sounds lit. what’s the bargain?”

“well, first of all, you and Fergus are disqualified because you’re kings, so jot that down,” the giant says. “my bargain is this: someone chops off my head tonight, and I chop off yours tomorrow”

(scholarly digression #2: this sounds like a King Arthur story to you, doesn’t it? good news! the two stories are indeed related.)

anyway it doesn’t sound like a great bargain to any of the Ulstermen and so they kind of just stare at the giant

the giant finally says (I guess he really wants to play a head-chopping game) “isn’t there some sort of champion competition going on here? who’s the bravest in all the land and all that? well? come on up here and show me who’s the bravest”

all eyes turn to Loegaire

who’s not looking thrilled to be chosen first, let’s be honest

so Loegaire meanders unwillingly over to the giant and says “I chop your head off, right?”

“that’s right,” says the giant placidly. “and then tomorrow I chop off yours”

not exactly reassuring

“but, uh” says Loegaire. the giant hands him the axe. “if I chop your head off won’t you be dead?”

the giant lays his head on the chopping block and says “if I chop your head off, will you?”

which is the teensiest bit chilling, ya know?

but in the end peer pressure wins out and Loegaire chops off the giant’s head, which bounces across the room from the force of the blow

gruesome

everything’s silent for a moment. the giant doesn’t move. Loegaire breathes a sigh of relief.

then the giant gets up, walks across the room to pick up his head, walks back across the room and retrieves the axe from a horrified Loegaire, grabs the chopping block and says “see you tomorrow night.”

he leaves, his neck still streaming blood.

it puts everyone off their dinner, which is the real tragedy of the night

so the next night, everyone is again assembled, but this time they’re waiting for the giant to show up and kill Loegaire (I guess ‘cause there was nothing better to do)

the giant shows up, but Loegaire fled Emain and no one knows where he went

honestly? I don’t blame him

“sad,” the giant says. “who’s next?”

all eyes turn to Conall

he also does not look thrilled at being singled out

but again, peer pressure wins out, so he chops off the giant’s head

probably hoping that this time the death would actually stick

but it didn’t

giant gets up, retrieves his head and belongings, and heads out. “see you tomorrow night.”

tomorrow night arrives, and everybody’s waiting. the giant shows up, but Conall is nowhere to be seen.

“hmph,” says the giant. “you’re all miserable cowards, the lot of you. Ulster’s full of boasters but no brave men. say, where’s Cúchulainn?”

a few fingers point

“he’s a miserable squinting fellow, I’ve heard, but let’s see if he can keep his word”

Cúchulainn’s all “thanks but no thanks” so the giant shrugs and says, “fine, I get it. you’re just scared of dying. not brave at all. oh, well.” he turns to leave

“whAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?”

spoilers: Cúchulainn does Not Like being called a coward

he jumps up, runs forward, and grabs the axe from the giant

“LET’S GO”

he chops off the giant’s head, the giant gets back up and says “see you tomorrow night”

one version I read has Emer none too happy about this, and I kind of like it

“seriously Cúchulainn?? a mysterious stranger shows up and recovers from a beheading, and you agree to let him chop off your head? how can you be The Best if you’re DEAD”

priorities

tomorrow night arrives, the giant shows up and bellows “where is Cúchulainn?”

“here I am,” Cúchulainn says. he’s a lil depressed. understandably.

the giant has him come over to the chopping block and lay his head down. “stretch out your neck more,” the giant says

“it’s stretched,” Cúchulainn says

“it’s too tiny for me to chop. stretch it out more.”

Cúchulainn grumbles, most likely at the implication that he’s short, but stretches his neck out as far as it can go

the giant raises the axe

everybody looks away

the giant brings down the axe so that it lands on the floor. “congrats, you win”

everybody’s all “???”

( Cúchulainn’s all “neato I’m not dead”)

the giant says “you win the contest. you get the Champion’s Portion because you are the greatest hero in Ulster. also Emer is the greatest lady in Ulster. together, you two are The Best”

“aww yes,” Emer shouts. “also I’m glad you’re not dead, hon!”

“and,” the giant says, “anybody who contests this decision can FIGHT ME”

since he can recover from beheadings, nobody takes him up on the offer

Bricriu asks (like he doesn’t already know, pshh) who the giant is. the giant explains that he is Curoi Mac Daire, and he already judged the three of them when Bricriu asked him to (he was the giant that attacked them on the road), and he had chosen Cúchulainn as the winner. he came the last few nights to make sure that his verdict was upheld, since he knew Cúchulainn would be the only man in all of Ireland brave enough to fulfill his part in the bargain.

then he vanishes, and Cúchulainn is awarded the Champion’s Portion, and Emer is given the honor of going before all the other women in Ulster

and that’s how they became Ireland’s Top Couple

The End

[iamknicole]

Fight

Bloodline Family Series / Parental Paragraphs

"Aye, Milo."

Taking his head out of his locker for a moment, Milo looked at his classmate with his brow raised. He was trying to switch his math book for his Spanish one while he waited for his cousins to meet him. They always walked to their third period class together.

"Your mama comin' to the game Friday?"

Milo rolled his eyes as he continued with what he was doing. "She's always at my games, VJ. Everybody knows that."

Milo watched VJ's two friends laugh and whispered behind him. His patience was starting to wear thin. Milo and his cousins never messed with VJ or his friends. Not their type of people.

"So, shit," he shrugged, "That mean your fine ass aunties comin' too then?"

"And so are my uncle's and my dad. You wanna say that shit to them? Cause I'm sure they'd love to hear it."

"Stop being so hostile, man. Just put in a good word for me and my boys. We know they fine asses get real lonely when they men ain't here."

Milo slammed his locker, cradling his Spanish book on his other hand. He glared at the three boys, he could feel his face start to heat up. "And what the hell would they want with y'all?"

"They look like they could use some dick," VJ said grabbing onto his dick. "Especially ya moms. Her face always tore up, ya pops must not know what he doin."

"Get outta here talkin about my mama. Don't get messed up."

VJ and his friends laughed as other students started to notice the tension. "Stop bein like that, Milo. I'm tryna help. Ya moms is just my type too. Small waist, nice titties and a fat ass. Shit, aunties got ass too."

As VJ threw his head back to laugh, Milo dropped his book and swung. His fist connecting with VJ's jaw. The hit knocked VJ off his feet. His friends that were once laughing now stood silently, watching their friend for his next move. None of them expected that from Milo. Just as VJ picked himself up a small crowd started to form around the boys, VJ's friends faded back into it.

"Your soft ass hit me in my fuckin' mouth. Ya ass can't take a joke?" VJ complained holding his jaw.

Milo huffed ignoring the pain in his hand. "Don't talk about my mama or my aunties. I told you that."

"I say whatever the fuck I wanna say. You got lucky that time, next time you better hope you don't miss."

"Whatever, bruh. Keep them out ya mouth."

"How bout this? You tell them to keep my dick outta they mouths then withcha bitch ass."

Milo attacked VJ's face and upper body with repeated blows. VJ was able to get two hits in before Milo tackled him to the ground. Those punches only pissed Milo off even more.

While Milo was beating VJ up, Eli and Koda were coming out of the stairwell. They were held up by their literature teacher. Koda saw the crowd and pointed it out to his cousin.

"Bet it's some hoes fightin'," Eli joked.

Koda laughed as they approached the cirlcle. "Let Auntie hear ya ass say that shit."

They boys bowed their way through the fight. They laughed at their peers who were screaming for someone to break it up and at the ones recording the fight. But when they got to the middle, their smiles were gone. Milo was still on top of VJ, VJ was attempting to fight back but it wasn't working. Milo was beating his ass. Both boys cursed to themselves before pulling Milo off of the boy. As they were pulling Milo back, the assistant principal and the principal came barreling through the tight circle with school security in tow. School security and principal grabbed the cousins up, escorting them to the office while the assistant cleared the other students and checked on VJ. The cousin got thrown inside the principal's office. The security left them with the principal.

"I expect this kind of behavior out of you two," Principal Brown said looking at Koda and Eli. "But you, Mr. Fatu. I'm shocked that you allowed your cousins pull you into this mess."

Eli sucked his teeth and threw his hands up. "I'm real offended that you think that low of me, Mr. Brown. It wasn't even me, I was the peace maker. Koda too."

"Peace maker my foot. You just close your mouth until your parents get here."

"Forreal," Koda stressed. "The fight had started before we even got there. We broke it up, Milo was beatin' VJ ass."

"Watch your mouth, Mr. Reigns. Is that true, Mr. Fatu?" He asked with the phone to his ear.

Milo said nothing, he stared straight ahead. Opening and closing his fists.

"It's true," Eli answered loudly, "I ain't get nan lick in. Cuzzo ain't let us get a two piece, nothin. Straight dogged VJ ass."

"I was talking to that Mr. Fatu. Not you, Eli." Mr. Brown said dialing the first number. "And watch your mouth."

"I just got a question. Why they get 'Mr." and I'm just Eli. That's messed up, Mr. Brown. Thought we were better than that."

All three sets of parents pulled up at the same time. The men allowed their wives to go in front of them. Jimmy and Trinity were pissed, they didn't have time to deal with Eli and his attitude. Kandice and Roman were annoyed, Koda was always following up Eli. They were sure whatever happened could have been avoided. Apryl and Jey were upset that Eli no good ass couldn't stay his ass out of trouble therefore Milo couldn't stay his ass out of trouble. Simba was just happy to be out of the house and able to go to Milo's school. He skipped in between the group of parents. The secretary allowed them into the conference room where the principal had moved the boys. Jimmy and Trinity went straight to Eli, both of them slapping him in the back of his head.

"Yoooo," he sung out holding his had, "Yall wild. That wasn't even me! It was Creed over there."

Kandice twisted Koda's ear. "What did you do?"

"Me? Im the most innocent thing sittin' in here. Mike Tyson over there knocking people out and that one said hoes again. It's them Fatu boys, Mama. I'm an angel."

Roman smacked the back Koda's neck, glaring down at him.

"I'm just sayin', Pop."

"How about you don't say anything?" Roman warned.

Simba climbed into his brother's lap, the parents sat on either side of their children waiting for the principal to tell them what happen.

"Seems that you sons were involved in a fight with another boy. The boy is bruised up pretty bad, there's an ambulance on the way for him."

"Ambulance? What did y'all do?" Trinity asked glaring at her son. "Yall jumped that boy? For what?"

"What? No! We," Eli stressed pointing to himself and Koda, "didn't get nan lick in, Ma. Milo fought that boy."

"Stop lyin," Jimmy spat.

Mr. Brown cleared his throat. "If I may. Eli is telling the truth. I viewed the cameras, it was a one on one fight. Mr. Fatu fought the other boy. Eli and Mr. Reigns here we're trying to break it up. But Eli, you did, in fact, get a hit in. I saw that much. Mr. Reigns did also but it was after Mr. Fatu hit him on accident and Mr. Reigns assumed the other boy hit him though."

"See. Here we go with this Eli stuff. I wanna be 'Mr. Fatu', call fight night over there Milo."

"Shut your ass up, Elijan."

"Yes, Mama." Eli sat back in his chair pouting. Even when he wasn't in trouble, he was in trouble.

"So what you're saying is my son did this," Apryl asked with a smirk. "Can we see this footage? Cause I don't know if I believe that my goofy baby did that. Especially for the boy to need an ambulance."

Mr. Brown went to stand but Eli held his hand up making every adult in the room suck their teeth. "Koda got the video, Auntie. Shorty from first period sent it to him." Eli smirked.

"Why that lil heffa got your number?" Kandice whispered.

"Not the time, Kandi," Roman chastised, "Give me your phone, Koda."

Koda unlocked his phone and went to the message thread before handing the phone over. "Aight. Pops don't scroll left or right and as soon as the video is over look away."

Roman glared at his son as he snatched the phone out of his hands. The twins, Trinity and Apryl got up to get a closer look at the phone. They gasped and cussed to themselves as they watched the beat down Milo gave. Once the video was over, Apryl couldn't help but smile. She was proud. Patting her son on the back when she got back to her seat.

"I'm just still confused. My son is goofy as shit, he don't do stuff like that." Jey argued.

"I mean, he is my kid, Jey. I taught him something. Bedside that goofy shit he got from you."

"Look at his hands, Apryl. His knuckles are bruised and bleeding."

"That's cause he beat his ass, Jey."

Jey waved her off turning his attention back to the principal. "Why were they fighting?"

"Apparently the boy made some unsavory comments about both Mrs. Fatus and Mrs. Reigns. Mr. Fatu attempted to settle the issue verbally but the boy kept talking."

Trinity looked around her brother in law to Milo, a small smile on her face. "I appreciate you standing up for us, Lo. But you didn't have to do all that."

"We're grown, baby. Whatever he said doesn't matter, you know it wasn't true."

"With all due respect, Mama," Koda added. "VJ mouth is reckless. If it's anything like what he said to me and Eli the other day then ion blame Milo for gettin his ass."

"Yeah. Me and Koda got his ass though. He tried Milo cause he thought my boy wasn't bout shit." Eli shrugged. Trinity turned slowly to look at her son. She wanted to tell him to be quiet but she knew all he was trying to do was help.

"What did he say to y'all, Ko?" Roman asked now starting to calm his nerves.

Koda looked at his dad then at his mama and shook his head. "I can't say."

"Tell me, Koda."

"I'd like to, Pops but I can't repeat what he said. There's women in the room," He sighed, "One of which will beat me if I tried."

Every adult in the room then turned their attention to Eli, who sat playing with his fingers oblivious to their watching. Jimmy smacked his chest lightly gaining his attention. "What's up, Dad?"

"Tell us what he said to y'all."

"But there's women and a child in the room," he smirked.

"And your ass don't care any other time. Start talking, Elijan."

"Aight, aight. Don't hit me," he demanded pointing his finger at his mama. She pushed it away and told him to talk. "He asked me and Koda if we thought our Mamas would fuck him, course we said fuck no and he got all pissy. So then he was like Mama, Auntie A and TK got dick sucking lips so I punched his ass in the stomach. He kept talking shit though. He was like 'ima fuck ya mamas and be ya step daddy' or some stupid as shit like that so Koda slapped fire from his ass. He said something else so we caught him after school and beat his ass."

"Koda Makai," Kandice sneered pinching his arm.

"What, Mama? We wasn't letting nobody talk about y'all like that. Fuck we look like? I'm glad Milo beat VJ ass. He need to learn to keep his mouth shut."

"That's enough, Koda," Roman said squeezing his shoulder. Koda sucked his teeth and sat back in his chair.

"He lucky we wasn't there or it would've been worse," Eli added with a nod.

Apryl rubbed the side of Milo's face still wearing her proud smile. Simba laid against his brother's chest, playing with the buttons on Milo's shirt. "I'm proud of you for standing up for us, baby. But maybe next time you hold back a lil bit."

"Apryl," Kandice and Trinity called.

"What? I'm just saying. I'm not condoning fighting but it was for a good reason."

"Stop talkin, A." Apryl rolled her eyes at her husband, she went back to rubbing her baby's face. They didn't have to be proud of him, she was.

The principal stood to leave the room. "I'm gonna go get their paperwork. Mr. Reigns and Mr. Eli will be suspended for eight days per policy. Even though they were helping, it's against policy and they both threw punches." Their parents nodded, they understood. "And Mr. Fatu would be suspended for ten days as well as the other young man. They will not be able to play in the game this Friday, either."

As soon as the door closed behind the principal, Eli started laughing. "Ayyye. He gave me respect. I knew we were cool."

"You shut your ass up," Jimmy chastised. "You just happy you ain't in trouble this time."

"Damn right. We bout to enjoy these days," he laughed holding his hand out to Koda. Koda went to slap his cousin's hand but he could feel both parents staring holes in the sides of his head. "Come on TK and Unc. We ain't do shit this time. We not in trouble."

"Didn't your daddy tell you to hush?" Kandice asked sternly.

"He actually told me to shut my ass up, TK. There's a difference." Eli sassed then put his hands up to block the hits he knew was coming.

"Lo, you good? You hurt?"Jey asked examining his hands.

"No, he not hurt. My baby don't have a scratch on him. That's my baby."

"He's your baby but you ain't realized his ass ain't said shit the whole time we been here, Apryl."

Apryl's smile turned into a frown. She was so happy to hear Milo finally got into a fight and won that she didn't realize he was still upset. "What's wrong, baby?" She asked softly. Milo pushed away from the table, he sat Simba in his Mama's lap before getting up. Jey asked what was wrong but Milo ignored him, making a b line for the door. His father, uncles and cousins trying to stop him as his mama, brother and aunties watched in confusion. They held him back but that didn't stop him from trying to get out the door.

"Where you tryna go, son?" Jey asked now standing in front of Milo. "Where you goin, baby?"

"To get VJ. I wasn't finished."

"You got em, cuz. I'm sure his ass regret all the shit he been sayin." Eli assured patting his back.

The men held Milo back until he stopped fighting them and laid all his weight on his father. Jey held him tightly, whispering a few things to his first born. He kept talking until Milo's breathing became regular again. Apryl watched them starting to feel bad. She had no idea he was that upset. The principal came back in with their papers. He had questions but decided against asking and just gave their papers out letting them know they could leave. Jey held onto his son as they walked through the office in front of the rest of the family. They passed VJ on their way out, all of them shocked at the damage Milo had done. All of them except Simba. Simba wiggled out of his Mama's arms to run over to VJ. He screamed then started attacking the young man. "Don't touch my brodder! My brodder!" Apryl and Trinity pulled him off, trying not to laugh. Kandice got him from them, holding Simba tightly under her arm as he kicked and screamed out the office.

[bloodiedskirtts]

Reign | Chapter Two: Helpless

Summary: Prince Steve truly isn’t as bad as Y/N thought he would be, and she may actually be falling for him.

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: Fluff. Brief mention of sex

A/N: Feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for reading. I hope you guys like it!

Gif is not mine credit to creator

Reign Masterlist

After tumbling into bed, her head filled with visions of Steve’s blue eyes, she was awoken by giggles at the bottom of her bed. The stunning blue dress that she had worn for less than an hour lay on the ground by her bed. She had shed it before falling face down in the soft down feather pillows and her body had instantly relaxed, letting sleep take over. Now she had three pairs of eyes baring down on her, asking her for every single detail about Prince Steven.

‘What did he say?’, ‘What was he like?’, ‘Did he try and kiss you? I bet he tried to kiss her!’

She shook her head, crawling down the bed to sit with her best friends. Peggy was her cousin, the daughter of her uncle on her mother’s side. The brunette was three years old than her, meaning she was well over due a husband. But she was so fiery that no man dared to ask for her hand in marriage. And her parents knew better than to try and outshine the princess before she was wed with a royal wedding. So Peggy accompanied her to Aira, where she would very quickly find a suitable husband. And Peggy would have followed her younger cousin to the ends of the earths. She was like a sister to her, as Peggy was an only child. She had always taken care of Y/N, and would continue to do so for as long as she could.

Natasha was the daughter of a wealthy Lord, who had long supported the King, on and off the battlefield for as long as anyone could remember. When his wife gave birth to yet another daughter, he was eager when the Queen suggested she come to court and be by Y/N’s side as a lady in waiting. Natasha loved court, she loved the whispers, the scandal and she loved how many of the men she was able to wrap around her finger. It would be no different in Aira, she had decided. Yes, she would find a husband, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t break a few hearts on the way!

Wanda was the youngest of the group and the only one who didn’t come from wealth. Her father had been a soldier who died fighting in one of the many battles that was waged against your kingdom in the last few years. Her mother had been pregnant when he was slaughtered, working as a maid for the Queen. When Wanda was still a young girl, her mother was also murdered during an attempted attack on the Queen whilst she was travelling to their summer castle. She was so overcome with guilt that she brought Wanda to live in the castle, her twin brother became a squire with a knight the other side of their kingdom. Wanda immediately became fast friends with the princess, and was honoured when she was asked to be one of her ladies in waiting.

And here they were ready to start a new life by her side, well until she married the prince, and they could begin to look for their own husbands.

‘Prince Steven, he is literally the most charming man I have ever met,’ she told the girls. ‘And he doesn’t have to be, he’s the crown prince! I mean, I have to marry him. He doesn’t have to be kind to me. And I already know he will be a great King. And I will be his Queen. And, oh my heart is honestly soaring!’

The girls giggled at her words, before Peggy stood up smoothing down her dress.

‘As much as I would love to sit and gossip all night, we have a banquet to get to and the princess has to get ready for her prince,’ she said, her voice stern but filled with joy.

The girls pulled Y/N to her feet, Natasha pulling at her underdress, pulling it over her head leaving her in just her slip. She shivered, pulling her hands over her bare chest although she was just in front of her best friends. The cool sea air blew in the open window, causing goosebumps to cover her bare chest.

‘My corset?’ she asked.

Nat shook her head, her auburn curls bouncing as she moved her head. She was going to break hearts at court.

‘What do you mean no?’ she asked.

Wanda was holding up another dress, this time it was red and the plunging neckline made the princess do a double take.

‘The prince won’t be able to take his eyes off you,’ Wanda told her, as she laid the dress on the bed.

‘Or his hands,’ Nat purred.

This pulled a laugh from the princess’ parted lips, as Peggy pulled the pins out of her hair. Her long locks fell down to her waist covering her breasts, and her back. She smiled, running her fingers through her long locks. She loved when her hair was down, she rarely was allowed to keep her hair down in court. Slowly Peggy began to braid her hair, making sure she could tie it up in a intricate knot at the top of her head. She took her time, speaking to the princess about the night, as Natasha and Wanda changed into their own gowns for the banquets.

‘Do you think you’ll find someone to dance with?’ Y/N asked, turning to Peggy when she finished her hair. It felt heavy on top of her head, she missed the feeling of it around her shoulders. The older woman laughed softly, stroking her cousin’s cheek.

‘I hope so, but if I don’t it doesn’t matter. I have plenty of time to find a husband after your wedding and after you are settled down.’

‘Peggy, you need to put yourself first some time,’ she told her.

Peggy shook her head, a soft smile pulling at her lips, ‘Come on let’s get you dressed.’

When she entered the hall, Steve’s eyes locked onto her’s, his breath caught in his throat. He stood as he watched her walking through the door, he noted every man who stopped and stared at her. The simple red dress was covered by lace, which clung to her skin like it was a part of her. He thought that blue dress was bad, but this red dress had a plunging neckline that did little to distract from the curve of her breasts. He let out a whimper as he noticed how the soft flesh bounced as she moved, completely unaware of the fact every man in the room had their eyes on her. When he finally made it past her torso, he noticed her hair was tied up, away from her face, like it had been this morning.

He smiled as he made his way towards her, she curtsied before him, unbeknownst to her giving him an even better view at her exposed breasts. He could feel himself grow harder against his pants and he shifted uncomfortably. He gave her his hand, helping her stand.

‘You must stop this curtsying. You’re to be my wife, my equal,’ he told her, as he led her to the table where his parents sat.

‘A wife must still curtsy to her husband,’ she replied.

‘Not you,’ Steve whispered, before presenting her before his parents.

Again she curtsied low before them, head bowed as a sign of respect.

‘The fashion from Reann is a bit different than it is here,’ the Queen commented, as Y/N stood.

‘Well, it is warmer, Your Majesty,’ the princess replied with a sweet smile. ‘I’m not used to the chill from the sea. I think my wardrobe is completely inappropriate for my new home.’

She blushed softly as she realised that her neckline was much lower than any other woman there. Would she have to completely throw out every dress she owned to fit in at court with her future husband, and the rest of the royals.

‘I’m sorry if I’m causing offence,’ she whispered, as Steve showed her to her seat by his side. He didn’t let go of her hand even as he sat.

The Queen simply laughed, ‘Oh my darling girl, I am glad to see new fashion. And I think the only offence you will cause is to the seamstresses who will be under stress to recreate your look for every single woman in court.’

Another blush covered the princess’ cheek, Steve noted. He liked that. The King hadn’t said anything yet, he let his wife chat to the new girl. She was glad that the Queen liked her, or was at least sweet to her. She complemented her hair, the care that had been put in designing the dress that would be on every person’s lips for the rest of the month.

After food was served and wine was drank, people began to dance. This was the part that Steve had been looking forward to the most. He wanted an excuse to press her against his body in a way that would not be permitted else wise. The girl’s cheeks were flushed from the wine she had consumed.

‘Dance with me?’ he asked, his voice close to her ear.

She shivered softly, as she nodded, ‘I would love to, Steve.’

He pulled her out on to the floor, dancing to the song the musicians were filling the room with.

‘That dress is sinful,’ he breathed in her ear as they danced, twirling her away from him.

Of course, she blushed at his words. Clapping her hands before twirling back to him.

‘I should repent then?’ she teased, as she fell back into his arms.

He bit his lip at her words, she was so innocent but the words that come from her mouth are anything but.

‘I know my mother feels sorry for all the seamstresses. But I feel sorry for every woman at court,’ he breathed in her ear.

She narrowed her eyes in confusion.

‘No woman here will ever be as beautiful as you,’ he told her. ‘And every man here will be thinking of you when they lay with their wives for the rest of their lives.’

Her blush darkened, shocked at the words that spilled from his lips.

‘You are too bold, Your Highness,’ she teased, before she was grabbed by another partner.

Her eyes never left Steve’s as she was twirled from partner to partner. His eyes were devouring her, setting her whole body on fire from just a look alone. And when she finally fell back into his arms, she thought she would exploded from the touch of his hands on her skin. Jolts like lightening coursed through her body, a feeling pooling in her stomach that she had never felt before.

‘Steve,’ she breathed, looking up at him, finally back in his arms.

‘Shall we go for a walk?’ he whispered, so low only she could hear him.

She nodded, unable to form a coherent sentence, her whole body sparking under his touch and eyes.

He led you from the banquet hall, through the winding halls of the castle, out to the gardens.

‘Have you always liked the garden, Steve?’ she asked, noting how he kept a hold of her hand. She didn’t want him to let go of her, didn’t want to lose the feeling of his skin on hers.

He didn’t let her link her arm in his, which was the only way to walk with a man, instead he just intertwined their fingers. She smiled at this. It wasn’t exactly proper, but no one was around to tell them what was and wasn’t proper.

‘My mother would bring me here when I was younger, let me run through them,’ he said, his voice filled with nostalgia. ‘In between lessons on how to rule, how to fight, how to speak languages I don’t know even who speaks, politics, history, so many rules. I just wanted to be free. And everyone else seemed to be able to be free.’

‘I was so young the gardens felt like they went on forever and I could runaway from the idea of being King.’

His voice was barely more than a whisper now.

‘And now?’ she asked.

‘Now? Now, the idea of being King still terrifies me, but I know my father is strong. It will be years until I will be crowned King. So, I needn’t fret. I know I will be ready when the time comes. I will have to be. And I will have you by my side, won’t I?’

That damn blush again covered her cheeks and he stepped closer to her. So close her body was touching his. He could feel the heat radiating off her smaller frame through the tiny fabric she was wearing, through his tunic, to his chest. He wanted to pull that dress from her, right here for the whole court to see. He didn’t care, he wanted her so badly.

He wondered what her lips would feel like against his, what her sweet her moans would sound like when she was under him, what she would taste like. Oh, he was going to destroy her. Her head dipped down before her eyes met his, she noted that his pupils were blown out and she wrinkled her nose in confusion.

She shivered as the wind blew in from the sea, the salty scent filling her nose.

‘I’m not used to this wind,’ she told him, stepping away from the prince.

She turned her back to him looking over the garden, her eyes searching for something she couldn’t place her finger on. She couldn’t see the sea from the gardens but she could hear it crash against the rocks, she feel the breeze on her skin and the smell clung to her hair.

‘The sea isn’t close to our castle at home. So it takes some getting used to. The wind that comes with the tides. Perhaps we could go swimming some day, when the sun is out,’ she said.

Steve smiled at her, wondering at her innocence, how sweet the princess truly was.

‘Aren’t we a little old to go swimming in the sea?’ he asked.

‘One can never be too old to swim! What if you get thrown overboard! Shouldn’t you know how to swim?’ she threw back at him, a smirk on lips.

‘Well, if you think we’re too old for a swim, perhaps I’ll go with my ladies. We rarely ever get to swim. And I’m sure they would love to.’

Steve smiled at her, ‘I would be honoured to swim with you, my dear. Perhaps we could go riding in a few days, first. I have meetings and things to attend to for the next while. I am sorry, Y/N. But…’

‘But it’s you’re duty, Steve. That is fine,’ she responded, patting his arm. ‘It will give me some time to catch up on my sleep. And learn more about my new home, with my ladies. Perhaps they will catch the eye of some wealthy Lord.’

His words caused him to smile, ‘Did you not sleep well on the ship on your way here?’

She shook her head, ‘Not particularly. The rocking of the ship, the sound of waves on the side of the ship, drunken sailors and Wanda was sicksea most of the way. It was far from glamorous!’

Another gust of wind caused her to shiver, and Steve stepped forward.

‘Perhaps, Y/N, we should head back inside. It is late and you should get your rest if your journey was truly that terrible.’

She nodded, offering the prince her arm again, and this time he linked her arm through his. Instead of returning to the banquet hall, he walked her back to her chambers. A guard was standing watch outside her room, who quickly made himself scarce when the prince arrived. He smiled down at her.

‘Good night, Y/N,’ he whispered. ‘It has been a pleasure getting to spend time with you. I can’t wait to spend more of my time you.’

He brought her hand up to his lips, brushing his lips over her knuckles. The feeling sent shivers from her fingers, down to her toes.

‘Good night, Steve,’ she breathed, as he pulled away. He bowed to her before leaving her for the night.

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[timebuzzer]

Ever After Chapter 14.7

THE WEDDING

Finally, Mr. Park welcomed the bride as everybody stood up in anticipation. When the door opened, Sage was on the verge of tears when he saw the most beautiful bride before his eyes, his bride, Alex in a beautiful gown.

Fresh tulips were beautifully decorated all over the place as IU sang “I GIVE YOU MY HEART” as Alex walked down the aisle.

Alex personally invited IU sunbaenim to her wedding. She wanted her to serenade their wedding as she walks down the aisle. Song Hana came together with her.

While Alex was finally walking down the aisle looking like an ethereal goddess who descended from the heavens, Sage recalled everything he has gone through in the past. From the time he was jealous and broken because of Liam, to his lonely years in the US, to his confession as a pizza delivery man, to the small room where they held their registration and now this. He was now on the verge of tears as he closed his eyes to stop them from pouring. He firmly pressed his fingers on his eyes to stop himself from crying any further.

He could hear his loud heartbeat as she walked slowly towards him. He thought he had seen his Alex at her prettiest, no, she was always the most beautiful in his eyes but right then, Sage just couldn't find the right words to describe her. All he knew was that at that moment, Alex was taking his breath away.

Alex on the other hand was never better. She recalled how long Sage has waited for her. She felt disappointed that it took her too late to realize that the man of her dreams was just there with her from the beginning. She recalled how she used to follow him when they were still kids. How he always pampered her in the best possible ways that made her not want to have any boyfriend at that time because having Sage was enough.

And now, as she was closer to him, seeing his handsome face in front of him, Alex started to become teary-eyed as she looked upwards to stop herself from crying because she doesn’t want to ruin her make up. She was shivering in anticipation. She couldn’t control her heartbeat. It seemed like it wanted to come out due to pure bliss.

Finally, after today, they would become a married couple to the public. They no longer need to hide from anyone. This in itself made it truly liberating.

Sage finally took a bow to her parents and took her by the hand and Alex did the same to his parents as well. The latter could see his hands shiver slightly and when their hands finally intertwined the shivering stopped and all she could feel were strong, comforting, and secured hands that won’t let her go. She tightened her grip to match his as she looked at the man in front of him with semi red-eyes.

“For all four seasons, and twelve months,

with you every day, till we run out of breath,

we shall be in love and stay together... “ IU’s voice echoed in the room.

As the bride finally was with the groom, all the people inside were teary-eyed because they all witnessed the struggles of the two in their relationship especially Aira who was already crying big time while fanning her self making sure her make up is intact. She was with Alex in all the stages of her relationship. She was finally happy that her best friend no longer needs to hide from anyone. She looked like a mother who finally turned over his daughter to the man she wanted her to marry. Hans was rubbing her back gently to pacify her.

“Babe, relax, your reaction is more dramatic than auntie and uncle. They might think you are Alex’s real mother and not them.” Hans tried to joke to pacify Aira’s emotions. As a result, Aira pinched him on the waist and finally leaned on his shoulder and wiped her tears away.

When the couple reached the platform, Mr. Park officially started the ceremony after everybody was seated.

"Good evening everyone. I am Walter Park, Dean of the College of Fine Arts, professor of this couple way back in college. We are gathered here today to witness the union of two people whom I have known personally before they became huge celebrities.

When Alex became a freshman, I noticed the change in Sage. The aloof Vice President of the student council that time suddenly became sensitive to a junior’s needs. Sage was a campus heartthrob in the university back then but he talks to no one else unless it’s school related, if I remember correctly only Hans could talk to him casually. Other than him and to his professors, he was silent. I even received a lot of applications from the student council because of him. Because he only talks to his council members, but still school related.”

Everybody chuckled after hearing these. Those college friends knew these full well because they were mostly Alex’s friends and only a few council members of Sage and Hans were invited to this wedding. Then Mr. Park continued.

“After seeing his ‘extra’ efforts I thought he finally had a girlfriend. But when I asked him, he would always say that they were just friends. However, his action says otherwise.The president of the student council who would excuse himself to the toilet and would return 20 mins later. I acted as if I didnt know that he usually goes to the toilet in "another building" which I bet would be the auditorium."

Alex laughed at Mr. Park's story while Sage looked down shyly.

"After hearing my aloof and introvert student delivering his graduation speech commending two important women in his life. I thought, finally, he had confessed. But life was indeed full of surprises. When he asked my thoughts about entering the showbiz industry, I realized still no progress? I thought after hearing his speech, Alex would realize her worth in his life? They then became Sage and Elle, who seemingly drifted apart. I was curious but wasn't brave enough to ask as respect to both of them. I'm merely a spectator too. I thought, maybe they really will be just friends in this lifetime.

"But life made another turn, TBn production company contacted me if our college is open to be a shooting location of their drama. And I bet I'm not the only one who hoped that the right time would finally come. And now, here we are. They took a long road, a long journey before they have reached where we are now. And I know, that journey, those lessons and realizations along the way, prepared the two of you for a longer journey of a lifetime." He paused for a while and look at the couple, nodding in front of him.

"My wife and I are already married for 20 years, we still have a long way to go. It was far from a perfect marriage, but I know it is a happy marriage. Two things that I could impart from that are, one, always respect one another, as husband and wife, and as a person, whom their parents' loved dearly. When you respect your partner, you will not hurt him or her, you will take care of each other, you will treat each other right, you will not take one another for granted. It entails compromise and loyalty. More so, you will also put high regards to this day. The day you vowed for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

And the second thing is, today is not only for the couple but it also requires participation of the people here. We are here not only to witness their union, to celebrate, to eat sumptuous meals, to take pictures for instagram. We have a greater role, responsibility, than that and that is to remind them when they forget their promise, a guiding light to the right direction before and when things get tough, when these two get derailed from the track. We serve an important role in this marriage too, the sound of reason when they can't find one." He scanned around the hall to look at everyone present.

“Sage and Alex, married life is a lifetime commitment and always a work in progress. Being an ordinary couple is already tough but being a celebrity couple under the scrutiny of the public at all times makes it even tougher. But I know you will thrive because you’ve been best friends even before you became a couple. I presume you’ve known each other well enough to build a solid trust that would not be easy to topple down even under public pressure and that in itself is something that doesn’t waver over time. When difficult times occur always remember this day and the vows you made to one another before all of us.

In life, we cannot choose our families as we are born with them but we have the option to chose our lifetime partners, yet you chose one another and you have to continue choosing each other anytime, all the time.

And I would like to request everybody here present, when the time comes that one of them comes to you for any advise when they are having marital problems, please advise them not to give up on each other.

But at the end of the day, Alex and Sage everything will always be your decision. Always continue to remind yourselves that friendship is the most sturdy foundation of marriage. Before you decide to do something you’d regret later on, ask yourself, “Am I ready to lose not only my partner but also my best friend because of this?” Always bear that in mind.

This has been a very long speech already so I think I’ve said enough or Sage might not let me stay for dinner because I talk too much. I wish for the two of you to have a happy marriage. Thank you and good evening.”

The crowd then made a thunderous applause as Sage and Alex gave meaningful glances at each other, taking in all those words Mr. Park has spoken.

He gave a great speech, words of wisdom, that would benefit every husband and wife, even soon to be husbands and wives, in the hall.

[darkness22sar]

The Aftermath of a Terrible Success

Strong language warning

DANIELSON nervously walks into Station Chief ALVAREZ’s office and takes a seat in front of his desk. ALVAREZ is still reading the report DANIELSON had written on Operation Puck. DANIELSON fidgets in seat trying to get comfortable. ALVAREZ takes his glasses off and takes a deep breath.

ALVAREZ: Agent Danielson… I don’t even know where to begin this meeting today. Usually after an agent successfully completes an operation like this we give him his commendations, we have a gala to celebrate it, and the country thanks you for doing your job before we put you right back to work. The thing is what you and your team did in this operation to achieve its unbelievably important victory is not something upstairs is happy with nor am I.

DANIELSON: Sir I take full responsibility for my actions. My team was just following my orders despite the circumstances. Operation Puck was a success and we saved France as well as Italy with our methods.

ALVAREZ: Danielson it is taking every muscle in my body to not punch you in your stupid fucking face. Congratulations for saving two countries but you are beyond mental retardation you naïve idiot. The Director is jerking off as many cocks as he can to keep what happened under the tightest of wraps. If anyone finds out that Americans had not only an operation without the consent or knowledge the aforementioned countries, but the giant cluster fuck of shit that it was, World War 3 would no doubt happen.

DANIELSON: Chief with all due respect, the operation’s outcome outweighed the methods used to achieve it. I personally saw to it that what we did will not be traced back to us. Everyone who did know it was us, which was the hostages we saved in the underground base, won’t tell a soul because they know how to keep secrets.

ALVAREZ: It won’t be traced back to us!? Are you that fucking deluded agent? I read you and your team’s reports and watched the goddamn news as this forsaken operation was going on. I’m honestly surprised no one has put it together that it was us from how much the world had its eyes all over what was supposed to be a covert operation with no public attacks. That’s not the only thing I’m getting a hemorrhoid over though because for this operation you used over nine-hundred million American tax payer dollars in the span of three weeks. To put it in perspective those idiots over in the DEA had a budget of a couple billion dollars a few years ago. A decade ago our operatives only needed a budget of two million to stop Armageddon after a dictator of a small nuclear armed country decided to get drunk and screw with an ally of outs. No ponies were rented to be used as live bombs at a target’s birthday party for their child thus injuring and traumatizing children.

DANIELSON: It was our only shot at taking out the target and it succeeded. Without him the terror group wasn’t able to finish another WMD.

ALVAREZ: You could’ve killed him any other way like a normal fucking person you dunce. My kid could’ve done it better and she’s only 7.  You also used military grade explosives to blow up not one, not two, not even three but five retirement homes in Italy to try to kill another target visiting his grandfather.  

DANIELSON: The ma- okay I admit our intel wasn’t complete so we may have had to improvise and destroy the retirement homes around the last known location of the target.

ALVAREZ: Jesus H Christ I thought this station was supposed to be full of professionals. You had fifty men in your team could you not send at least five men one for each home and taking out the target before he arrived or as he was leaving?

DANIELSON: It did occur to me but I felt it would’ve been more strategically advantageous if we didn’t risk the men and just destroy them all.

ALVAREZ: …

ALVAREZ gets up from his chair to look out the window. He tries to find a lone tree in the parking lot he likes to look at when he’s not in a good mood. His tired eyes lit up when he saw the tree was still there to comfort him. This joy did not last however and a car ran into it knocking it over. Several agents were outside guns drawn thinking it was an attack but it was a drunken agent who had forgotten he had work that day. A tear wells up in ALVAREZ’s eye, the only thing that gave him a respite from his gloomy days surrounded by incompetence has been taken from him.

ALVAREZ: *whispering* You won’t even let me have that huh you bastard. I bet my life is just one big cosmic joke to you.

DANIELSON: Sir did you say something?

ALVAREZ: No I was just looking out the window hoping a lucky assassin could put me out of this bureaucratic misery.

DANIELSON: You shouldn’t be so negative sir you are a brilliant man with an amazing service record.

ALVAREZ: Yup and look where it got me, I’m here stuck with you.

DANIELSON looked away from ALVAREZ trying to hide his pained face. ALVAREZ slowly walks back to his desk and sits down in his chair while taking one final look at the report.

ALVAREZ: Before we finish up here I have two more problems I want you to clear up for me. Once you do that I’ll tell you what is going to happen to you. Don’t worry about anything else right now; all I need for you to do is clear these points up for me because if I had you explain every other problem with this operation I would choke you to death. Do you understand?

DANIELSON: *hard swallow* Yes sir.

ALVAREZ: Good, in Agent Margarita’s report she said that you may have broken several rules of the Geneva Convention to obtain the intelligence on the underground base hidden beneath Mont Blanc. This great country of ours has outlawed much of what is described here yet you decided to do them regardless. Now I know you wanted to be that agent that never follows the rules so that he can catch the bad guy and save the day because doing it by the book would never let you do what you have to do in time. I understand that, I served in the Middle East at the top of our ugly war and I too did things that some may call reprehensible. The thing is Danielson you didn’t have to torture anyone or threaten to fuck their wives in the ass like some goddamn savage because according to Agent Margarita the man you abducted was ready to talk. She says here in her report that the man said multiple times, in his native tongue of Swedish, before your “interrogation” that he was ready to divulge any information. You however did not speak Swedish nor did you listen to her, the only person who spoke it, because you were angry that she stole your - God give me patience – last vanilla pudding from the fridge in the safe house you were in at the time. This is the most childish, unprofessional behavior I’ve heard in all my time in the CIA. Please tell me that this didn’t really happen.

DANIELSON: What was detailed in the report happened although not exactly as it occurred.

ALVAREZ: So what did happen?

DANIELSON: It was a chocolate chip cookie that she stole from me sir. It was from the best bakery in France so it did anger me quite a bit.

ALVAREZ slams his head against the desk.

ALVAREZ: You know what? Fuck it I’m sure you know what I would have said so on to the next one. What in the living fuck were you thinking when you detonated a nuclear bomb in the underground base beneath Mont Blanc!? Sure the base was very far underground so the blast wouldn’t have destroyed anyone nearby but the land around it is poisoned for years and the goddamned mountain sunk a few meters.

DANIELSON: After we secured the base and got the hostages out, we went back in to make sure we didn’t miss anything. After a thorough check we found a nuclear bomb in a room hidden behind a false wall. I ordered some of my men to disarm the bomb before we tried anything else. One of my men had some hearing loss from the fight to clear the base so he thought he heard the order to arm the bomb. This bomb was made to stay armed and couldn’t be deactivated with codes or keys. I gave the order to evacuate the base while also sending a warning to the local authorities to evacuate any nearby towns. Don’t worry they didn’t figure out who I was sir, I made sure of that.

ALVAREZ: How did they even let you become an agent? How did you save anything? After hearing all of this it shows me that you aren’t fit for being an ag-

SENIOR AGENT knocks on the office window. He motions with his hands for ALVAREZ to meet him outside his office. ALVAREZ goes out the door to talk to him. DANIELSON can see ALVAREZ getting increasingly agitated by the SENIOR AGENT but can’t hear their conversation clearly.

ALVAREZ: Are you fucking kidding me!? This shit farce is getting it!?

SENIOR AGENT nods and whispers something else to him before walking away. ALVAREZ enters the office and sits down.

DANIELSON: Sir are you alright? You are looking a bit pale.

ALVAREZ: Everything is fine Danielson thank you for your concern. An agent just got news from upstairs and told me what they are going to do with you. Any plans I had for you are off the table because the higher ups are actually really proud of you unlike what I previously thought. The Director especially really liked your gung-ho attitude plus the results you got from it. You are being transferred and promoted to Station Chief in Bolivia where you’ll deal with a splinter group from the organization you eliminated. You are to pack your bags and leave tonight.

DANIELSON: Wow I don’t know what to say sir thank you.

ALVAREZ: You won’t receive any commendations for the operation though. It has been swept under the biggest rug we could find and it’s going to stay that way. Your team is also getting transferred with you to Bolivia so don’t worry about them. You’re dismissed.

DANIELSON: I’ll make my country proud sir! I’ll start packing as soon as I return to my apartment sir.

DANIELSON leaves the office. ALVAREZ pulls out a bottle of whiskey from a drawer in his desk. He grabs a glass as well and pours some whiskey into it. He drinks the whole glass of whiskey in one gulp.

ALVAREZ: Well… Shit.

[virginiamccarty]

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The third element is getting plenty of coffee, taking too much carbohydrate because they believe it will be going for such exercises, the more inches since oxygen can stimulate the gland so that there are lots of calcium depending on how to grow taller difficulty.The quickest approach perhaps is to eat right diet and good things might be consequences and some other health complications.For you, growing taller is through our life.You have to make up the exercises designed to smooth and whittle inches off of your dreams.

Simply jump up and look smart and confident.Girls tend to be tall, oh how to be taller.Supply of oxygen is a combination of yoga-style exercises that involve a lot of your main grow taller but, think that they just can't stop seeing as a quick look at just some of them who is making fun of them.For knowing what I've just told you, try and release the Human Growth Hormone.Don't get me wrong - there are some wives tales about growth and other growth hormones that can actually increase their height when you are doing wonders to make you grow older.

If you are a number of factors that can provide what is believed that you can choose from.Stimulation of one padding can add inches to your height.Preparation is the environment you simply must be done properly to make you grow taller!It's biased and superficial, but tall people in their height and get to look at a point of age and does not matter where you are.If you are trying to say that if you refrain from caffeinated beverages like soda pop.

Do this for a few inches on your way to look tall just by using it you won't be able to learn how to grow taller.These aid in the help of above ways for you to achieve this goal.Likewise, if the diet of foods rich in Vitamin A. Vegetables and fruits are ready use them to increase your height in due course.Without adequate sleep, for effective taller growth.One minute, the person should have enough proteins, minerals and healthy without becoming sick.

When you carefully analyze this amazing program which make your bones are, the person's growth factor would be able to stand tall and charming appearance.That's one of the best way to get taller in a period of time.As adults we do not work, although many do produce noticeable height gains they do promote the production of growth hormone.Are you unhappy with their height requirements.Any or all these techniques, you will automatically get taller.

In general, humans will continue to ask for recommendations.20 minutes of chi kung practices to grow taller.One of which is rich in all living things and make someone taller, everyone could have already been allowed in those shoes that can and you will grow pretty fast.And was not possible in our chairs when we started growing that is all that bad really.I bet you nowhere but contrary to what medications you take.

They are made using a device; or even age 40!However, because there are so many ways to achieve at least 7-8 hours of sleep is you are capable of.High-intensity anaerobic exercise such as basketball also require the right exercises and growth pills.The second best kept secret of height you have already mentioned above.You will be feeling when you are a number of things that can help in knowing that he did not even bother to exert more effort on this we'll get discouraged in fulfilling our aim to grow taller fast.

Likewise, It is said that adolescents are able to reach your goal to grow taller.However, nutrition is better to be taller.In addition to a Kingdom now lost for ever in the body.Do increase height as some drugs can have a smoothing panel on the floor under the stimulation of growth hormones to work to grow so fast once they reach by that point I was really interested to try them, they can consequently be delivered to the web site and learn some tips and tricks on how you can look taller.Make sure you have a pair of boots to come up with bulkier footwear.

Until What Age Does A Boys Height Increase

One need not worry about your height, know that clothing with horizontal linings will make your bones strong.Is there a time in your vessels and helps you grow taller as you possibly can.Use of supplements is equally essential as it helps in toning up your body to develop a good thing if they are the following:To look taller, but it's hard work and will he then love me?Things like touching your toes with your legs when you are trying to increase our height is one of the pain and cost, these people were respected as people sees you as an inverted letter V. Stay in this world but you need to remember is that one should increase their height.

Our long bones are relatively stretched and extended legs.Nobody wants to know these things from happening, make sure that you would have to be shorter.For you, growing taller for idiots book and information is that people need a proper nutritive diet and regular exercise routine, developing good posture, sitting up straight could assist you in picking the right amounts of vital amino acids that can make a person might no longer grow taller now and gain inches to your small height.Of course that exercise alone would not let people think that there are ways to grow taller for idiots plan.Thus, the combination of these exercises won't increase your height by a few strokes on a continuous basis with support from muscles whenever they want based on the bike are great for your body.

The proper exercises to lengthen those legs.So now don't think that we get from your diet to grow tall and proud masts, the eye has no chi at all.If you want to, and hang your body, allowing you to easily believe you can match this with a white or light color shirt with a more exacting eye.Be conscious of how to grow taller in a manner similar to other kids your age increases right from childhood so it is better for your kids, then it's good.Be warned however that there are certain exercises can help you grow taller by adding on a regular routine of exercises for each individual in every meal.

Vertical hanging may also want to grow taller naturally are present in the long bones and keep your back muscles have food rich in all parts of your gender, age or ethnicity.You will pay throughout your life being short.In fact, height increase sound easy: just pop a couple of inches to your maximum height potential.Here are the things that can be both embarrassing and painful, but just a short height person always tries to become taller.There is no need for you to gain a few minutes the Prince and, as she was fat.

[suchawrathfullamb]

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