#all of these books I've read and recommend btw... though I'm sure there are more I'm forgetting

[99percentprocrastination]

[whateven333]

Did you know L.J. Smith was fired from writing the Vampire Diaries books?? Do you think this relates to the show at all? It's oddly coincidental that she was planning to write more Bonnie and Damon content. She even said her publisher didn't like the direction which she was going with all the relationships, particularly that Damon had more than platonic feelings for both Bonnie & Elena.

Hi Anon !

Yes I have heard about the controversy surrounding The Vampire Diaries books and how the original author of the first couple books was fired to be replaced by a ghostwriter.

-I only learnt about this from a TVD analysis video I watched a while ago by a YouTuber called Jenny Nicholson, (the video is really good btw and I definitely recommend giving it a watch if you haven't already seen it !)

A very brief summary: L.J. Smith was hired by a company to write a book series and so she came up with TVD, at a certain point in the series the company didn't like the direction L.J Smith planned to take the books (I've heard this may have been due to her planning different endgame couples for the books compared to what the show was planning at the time and I've seen some conflicting ideas about which couples she intended exactly) so they fired and replaced her.

I've personally never read the TVD books, but from what I've heard L.J Smith did seem like she was a lot more open to exploring different romantic pairings in the books compared to how close-minded the writers of the TVD show were.

I think the TVD show writers definitely missed out by not including what seemed like Bonnie and Damons complicated feelings/ romantic connection for each other that the books seemed to be building, I think it would have been much more messy/ entertaining to watch rather than the Stefan-Elena-Damon triangle that they rehashed every 2-5 business days 😭

By deliberately leaving Bonnie out of so many storylines, the TVD show writers missed the opportunity for a much more dramatic/ engaging show overall.

Also, I'm sure it goes without saying but fuck the company that fired L.J Smith from writing for her own books that she came up with, fucked up and greedy smh

*Though apparently L.J.Smith continued to write for the series as unofficial "fanfiction" (I'm not sure where/ if its still available to access tho sorry) and in those fics Damon and Bonnie did date/ fall in love from what I've heard (and were maybe endgame too ?)

So I think that's everything I know about that situation lol, also I'm so sorry in advance in case of any inaccuracies about the situation, this is just what I've seen online but since this all happened a while ago there seems to be some debate/ inconsistencies regarding certain parts that were a bit confusing but this is what I've gathered from the situation in general, hope its okay.

Thank you for the ask ! 💖

Here's the link for the YouTube video I mentioned if you'd like to watch it :

[koumeowkami]

artists i associate to the diabolik lovers characters

(+ explanations/headcanons!)

this is gonna be a long post since i absolutely LOVE talking about music. you may take this as a music recommendations post lol. also check my DL playlists out if you want to! 💗

SHU — WITHIN TEMPTATION

let's start with some nice symphonic metal! it's pretty obvious since shu likes classical music. he's relatively calm (maybe too much) but there's a storm inside of him: his double side fits this band a lot imo. moreover, within temptation are powerful but also ethereal, so even though they're "heavy" i think he would give a chance to them :D he would occasionally cover their songs on violin if he feels like it.

REIJI — APOCALYPTICA

staying on the symphonic metal side, we have apocalyptica. this band is so peculiar since it's only formed by three cellos and drums, but i can assure you they're metal lmao. they're neat, polished, elegant and mature: all of these are basic reiji traits! (shu likes them too but he listens to them secretly lol)

AYATO — PARAMORE / HALESTORM

here he comes. my lil punk boi. i think about too many artists when it comes to ayato, cause honestly just every pop punk artist does it for me, but early paramore music gives me HUGE teen emo vibes (both angsty and romantic) that represent ayato so well!! i already stated it in my rocker!ayato headcanons post, but he would blast the RIOT! album at every hour of the day.

regarding halestorm, they represent his "darker" side. they're heavier and more aggressively free-spirited. now tell me if he wouldn't sing Love Bites (So Do I) to yui "jokingly" lol.

KANATO — THE BIRTHDAY MASSACRE

how could i NOT associate kanato with the band that basically gave birth to the creepy cute genre, the birthday massacre? their particular goth/industrial sound blending with the vocalist chibi's cute, almost ethereal voice gives so many kanato vibes!! not to mention that the official color of the band is purple lmao. he'd find their album covers very aesthetic, i'm sure of it :D and i also think his fav album would be Violet, the creepiest of them all.

LAITO — LADY GAGA / THE PRETTY RECKLESS

basically laito's two personalities lmao. lady gaga doesn't need any introductions: her provocative and sexy persona shocked everyone and basically all of her songs could potentially be in laito's sex playlist.

the pretty reckless are also indeed sexy, but sexy-depressed??? sexy-angsty?? some of their songs are about embracing one's "dark" side, some others are about dealing with depression (especially in their latest works). i like how they both use the "sexy" façade while actually having more to offer. considering how much laito is broken inside, their music fits so well.

SUBARU — BRING ME THE HORIZON

i'll keep saying this: emo music isn't enough for this guy. this dude listens to metalcore and whatever is heavier than emo pop punk. i actually had issues with picking a band for him cause most of them are casual listens to me but!!! in the end i chose bring me the horizon. angsty emo. pure rage. that's simply subaru for you! sometimes he would sing to their songs in his room but never admit it lol.

RUKI — HIM

honestly, this guy would love gothic rock. i just know it. HIM is the perfect band for him! their dark, elegant, kinda sad sound reminds me of him a lot. and the lyrics too!! they're really poetic, mostly about love and death with a few mentions to eden (pun intended?); the vocalist ville valo often takes inspiration for his lyrics from the books he reads! ruki would definitely dedicate Vampire Heart to yui btw.

KOU — AVRIL LAVIGNE / ICON FOR HIRE

LISTEN. i've been headcanoning this ever since my first DL post ever but kou would be a huge avril lavigne fan. it would mostly represent his frivolous idol persona, but also some of what he hides underneath.

his realest and deepest side is represented by icon for hire. they're heavier, aggressive and talk a lot about sensitive topics. kou has one of the worst pasts among the DL characters and has dealt with pretty much everything going from depression, to abuse, to drug addiction, to suicidal tendencies. i think he'd find some sort of comfort in their songs.

YUMA — P.O.D.

i always pictured yuma as a hip-hop kinda guy, so i think he would like nu metal. being part of the angry and bothered trio with ayato and subaru, he's relatively the calmest one but that means nothing since we're in DL lol. p.o.d.'s passive-aggressive style reminds me of him so much and i swear i ALWAYS think about him when i listen to Youth of the Nation, it's like it talks about him and his brothers specifically.

AZUSA — EVANESCENCE

there are two types of emo: the angry emo and the sad emo. azusa obviously belongs to the second one. i can't really associate him to one genre in particular, it just depends on the ~vibes~, but i chose evanescence for him cause their lowkey eerie, slow style fits azusa a lot. fear of abandonment and selflessness are some of the themes they've covered and Lithium is the song that makes me think about azusa the most.

CARLA — NIGHTWISH

carla has that gothic royal-ish attitude that reminds of the first nightwish era (with tarja turunen as vocalist). i mostly tend to associate the deep, elegant lyrical vocals with carla's deep voice lol. it's just a matter of ~vibes~ again :D

SHIN — FROM FIRST TO LAST

this little shit would only listen to post-hardcore. nothing reminds me of shin more than a cringy "i'm angy >:(" music genre. i actually do enjoy some post-hardcore and from first to last is the exception. i think shin would fit especially in the Dead Trees era, aka FFTL's villain arc™: very silly, angsty and full of villanous vibes but more mature than their previous works.

KINO — AMARANTHE

gamer boi coming through with electronic metal!! amaranthe's futuristic mix of edm and metal + their in-your-face attitude is a perfect match with kino. PvP is THE kino song. the music, the lyrics, the game concept just suit him so well!! slay.

[seahdalune]

template under read more + musings

TF2: so. TF2 huh. got into it last year. i kinda lost interest because of a tf2 discord server that i ended up leaving in bad terms + no content updates + i didn't do jackshit in the fandom. i made my robot oc blog but unfortunately that one died along with my fixation! oops.

Papa Louie: the ultimate killer of my tf2 fixation. the increasing amount of "Papa Louie lore is CRAZY!" videos in my recommended feed and the eventual release of Freezeria Deluxe drawing in streamers, and then Jerma, was what finally got me to crack and give the games a go. i don't regret it, because i finally joined a fandom that i actively (? the fandom's kiiiiinda dead aha;;) participate it, after like 2 years of wandering around! it kinda faltered around July~August, but after downloading Flashpoint, it came back double the force.

Scott Pilgrim: got the books for my birthday. read them. the graphic novels haunted me for a while because it was so.... different! from what i've read up to that point. i buried it into my subconciousness but the show dug it up again. i'm not thaaaat into it though. it's a background thought thing.

Good Omens: season 2 babyyyyyy, i wasn't as into it as i was in like.... 2021? i mean, back then i read like, a shitton of GO fanfics. i think that fandom is still my most bookmarked fandom within my fic folder. season 2 was great! heartbreaking even. but as i said, i already blew my steam back in like, 2021. i didn't really have Good Omens people to talk with anyways, not that i'm confident enough to find any.

Madness Combat: was around for the 2021 boom, but my fixation came back because of the Makeship plushie thing, fight meh ok. i wonder a little if they were worth it over the Papa Louie plushie when my fixation didn't last as long (it kiiiinda does sting i had to give him up? it would be nice to own official Papa Louie merch ;;) but whateves. they're in my arms. they're very cuddly. i'm getting off-point, anyways i love these freaks, love the action in the animations, i wanna play the game but at the same time i'm not sure how well i'm gonna be able to handle the guns and the killing. eh, i'll manage, i'll live. i guess i kinda stopped being fixated because like i said, nobody to talk to since i'm a little wary about the fandom... uh, i'm sure there are a lot of nice people, but i've had peeks at what arguments people have been having and that made me decide to just lurk.

AVA/AVM: my friend was watching it and they got into it, so i got curious and i looked into it as well. they're cute little ibbly babbles, those sticks. big fan of the Animator vs Animation series especially because awoo.... it advances so much in style in each episode. V and VI especially blow shit out of the water. love it. love it. didn't really bother to get into the fandom though. i didn't see a place to sit down, so i just walked through the merchant hall and moved on. i stare at the wares every now and then though.

HLVRAI: watched it recently. it's nice. not.... really enjoyable enough for me to be a full-blown fan, but whateves. i kinda don't know why that happened to be the thing that all my mutuals were obsessed with throughout 2021 but the only reason i didn't get into it either was because i didn't finish Hal-Life 1 and i wanted to get into the game blind due to hearing that it was "the best game ever that influenced the gaming industry forever". i wonder, that if i wasn't such a wuss, would i have watched HLVRAI earlier and enjoyed it more? we'll have to see with HL2VRAI. i haven't finished HL2 either btw... sigh.

[traegorn]

Maybe I'm the odd one out but I always saw blessed be more as a "i hope you recieve blessings" rather than "i want my gods to bless you" ??????? In the greeting format anyways. Never knew it came from a genital ritual?? I don't say it to people anyways but it just feels like lately people are coming up with any reason to label wicca "problematic" even though I've yet to find an "unproblematic" religion. Maybe I'm reading too much into stuff. Idk. People have every right to not want that said to them.

Okay, so this is where we need to learn the message "Sometimes it doesn't matter what we mean when we say it, only what's heard when they hear it." Strangers on the internet aren't going to know what you were thinking or what you meant when you say things, only the final message.

They are not in your head, and they are not in your house.

Now, the thing with the phrase "Blessed Be" is that -- yeah -- the first documented usage of it within Witchcraft circles was in the fivefold kiss. But overall it's been divorced from that ritual -- and got used all over the place. Like I'm pretty sure the first place most new Wiccans read it is in Gwen Thompson's shitty rede poem.

Like unless you're a BTW, there's a good chance you've never done the Fivefold Kiss as a part of your rituals ever. Like I've known what it is, but I've never done it in 25 years. I think I only was at a ritual that did it once, and that was... nineteen years ago? I think?

Like it's not even mentioned in the beginner Wicca books I usually recommend.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure that when a Wiccan says "Blessed Be" they aren't thinking about that shitty ritual that only a small percentage of Wiccans actually do. It's not even a passing thought -- they're using it as a general blessing.

But here's the thing -- all that great explanation how how we don't mean it the way it's being heard? Kinda doesn't matter. And no one's asking us to "never say it" -- they're asking "please don't say it to them in their spaces."

Like the complaints aren't that Wiccans are saying Blessed Be in general, it's that Wiccans are taking posts on places like this site and adding Blessed Be onto posts about non-Wiccan witchcraft. Or that they're tagging posts about, say, secular Witchcraft and tagging them as Wicca. There's a history of Wiccans making anything witchcraft related about us when it shouldn't be, so they're asking us not to keep doing it. That's what they're asking. And honestly? It's not a big one.

Because, again, they can't know why you're saying it. They're just going to hear that you said it.

[faejilly]

jilly's week in review?

I guess or something. Idek y'all, I was gonna try and do reviews but then I just rambled about what I did instead, so this is clearly gonna need a format revamp next week

anyway

READING

Finished Daughter of Witches

and also St. Peter's Fair, which I had started AGES ago and sort of lost track of, but I'm doing the January Challenge on TheStoryGraph and couldn't decide what to read next but needed to get my pages in, so I went digging for random shit and I have read it before and watched all the Cadfael mysteries so it's not like it was hard to get into to finish it so I could save my streak.😅

Read A House with Good Bones (on purpose from start to finish in one day!) because T. Kingfisher/Ursula Vernon is absofuckinglutely one of my favorites. (There's a thought here about my occasional forays into the horror genre, and how some horror is almost kind of cozy because it's about protecting what we love from what we fear, and that is very much a Kingfisher kind of thing, but that might need a new post and a more functional brain to figure out where I'm going with that.)

Listened to a little bit more of IT while doing housework; I'm not great at audio books except when I'm driving, but sometimes I can manage a little (and I didn't want to distract myself from dishes by picking up a new book instead). Stephen Weber is an excellent narrator btw, for anyone who's curious.

WATCHING

The husband was sick last week, and I was only sort of doing shit either, so he kind of just put the TV on and let it go and I definitely will not manage a nice list with links like I did with books. There was some M*A*S*H, (oh, I did finally watch the special that recently came out on Hulu), and RoboCop (largely because Thing 1 gave the husband the new game for Christmas) and several different Predator movies of various quality, and a bunch of other stuff I am not thinking of at the moment. I know I picked a couple and watched them myself but with everything else I can't remember what?

Also some Mythbusters when Thing 2 picked something to watch for awhile, which is pretty much always entertaining even when we're like: your sample size is nonexistent and just because you can't do it doesn't mean someone who knows what they're doing couldn't have done it so are you SURE you should have busted that? 😅

PLAYING

I got Garden Story for Christmas and got through the quest-lines and realized I was quite far away from all the upgrades, so I've been periodically poking at it and trying to get my villages/tools better before trying the Final Boss. I have had a good time with Concord though, it's fun, I'm just not sure the leveling functions, such as they are, are paced/balanced quite right? 😅 (Or perhaps I'm just Bad At Fighting In Cozy Games? This does seem to be a bit of a trend tbqh, probably why I liked Wylde Flowers' lack of combat so much.) I also have found VERY FEW of the memories/weird achievements so that's a thing I'm probably going to have to look up hints for soon-ish...

(I did finish Potion Permit last year, which is great, I recommend it whole-heartedly: the potion building mechanic is usually pretty solid, it has good characters, a nice aesthetic, I did actually mostly have fun rolling around and fighting things/gathering stuff, but I did reach the end of the main quest and then go... huh, is that it? just because it, yk, kept going after the finale but there didn't seem to be anything there beyond like, a couple personal quests that needed materials I couldn't unlock until the end.)

MORE ENTERTAININGLY I THINK, we did also play some board games

Paint The Roses is QUITE HARD with only two people even if you stick to the medium level whims; or maybe I'm just not that smart?!? We did in fact survive without getting our heads' chopped off by the Queen of Hearts, but we legit guessed the last two puzzles so. Dumb Luck™️ is not nearly as reliable as actually figuring out how to plot your plants better.

We did Escape the Dark Sector (with more people this time, tbf) on our first try though! That was pretty delightful. It is atmospheric and potentially almost deadly without feeling too awful at any point! Also I got to punch a tentacle monster!

Mice & Mystics can go dramatically bad if your dice aren't on your side and you do like, one stupid thing to compound that, and then if you're invested enough to start over you can suddenly realize you've been moving tiny plastic mice and bugs around the table for like four hours and still only got through the first chapter... but not regret it at all because you like your mice and are very proud of them for finally making it!

Can you tell we like co-op games? 🤣🤣🤣

(I did also do some rearranging so the game room was comfier, so like, win/win I adulted and played!)

THERE WAS NO WRITING OR CROSS-STITCHING OR PAINTING OR ANYTHING ELSE THIS WEEK, so uh. Clearly my balance of activities is bonkers and I should maybe get off the couch/game chair(s) a bit more often.

[serpentstole]

what are some books/literature that have helped you develop your own personal style of luciferian magick?

Hello! Thanks for the question. I don't have a formal reading list yet, so this might get a little rambling as I explain how different works have influenced different parts of my magical practice.

You may already know, given how open I am about not having an interest in specifically Luciferian Grimoires, but my personal style of Luciferian magic is more accurately magic I do as a Luciferian. While it involves the three pillars of my practice (Lucifer, Azazel, and Eve) it does so in a way I suspect many eclectic practitioners could involve their own deities and/or major spirits.

I'll also be the first to admit that I don't consider myself a very advanced practitioner. I've been rebuilding my religious and magical practice from the ground up over these past few years, and while I can speak with some confidence about the things I have studied at length, I sometimes wonder if knowing when to speak on what I know and when to stay silent on what I don't gives me the illusion of knowing far more than I do. Still, I'm happy to share some of what I've drawn from so far.

My magical interests and inspirations have so far mostly come from folk magic and ceremonial magic. While I'd like to add some elements of chaos magic into my methodology after some cursory research into it and a very interesting discussion with a friend of mine about how certain aspects of it can be combined with folk magic practices, I haven't yet delved into it.

For the folk magic and animism side of my practice, the writing of Sarah Anne Lawless was very formative. Though her blog has long since been taken offline, it can still be read in internet archives. I also tried to read up on British styles of traditional witchcraft and folk magic (not to be confused with BTW Wicca). I'm sure no one will be surprised to learn that Troy Books was an early source for that. Things like Cecil Williamson’s Book of Witchcraft and Spells from the Wise Woman's Cottage provide a nice glimpse into the gathered history of traditional witchcraft and magic that the Museum of Witchcraft and Magic has gathered. I also read a few of Gemma Gary's books; though they didn't add much to my own practice, I do enjoy reading books from other practitioners' perspectives, and I know many people who've found them valuable.

From there I've been trying to read up on folklore and folk practices where I can. I don't really have a formal reading list since my backlog is pretty intense, and I'm hesitant to recommend books I haven't read all the way through. I also try to use my best judgement to build off of ideas I've encountered elsewhere, and localize the parts of my practice that have to do with flora and fauna. It's why lists of colour or plant correspondences aren't really helpful... different allies will be found in different areas, and cultural associations with these things can matter.

The ceremonial element of my practice has been to very carefully pick apart grimoire magic and see what I want to apply to my work. So far it's mostly used to help me mull over the crafting of tools, and to apply planetary hours and correspondences to my spellwork and the making of talismans, incense, oil, etc. Texts like the Greater and Lesser Key of Solomon, Agrippa's Three Books of Occult Philosophy, and Drawing Spirits into Crystals tend to be a given when making recommendations on ceremonial magic. Be warned that Western ceremonial magic as a whole can be a minefield of appropriated Jewish mysticism; my own research into it and deciding what I feel comfortable applying to my practice is seemingly never ending.

Finally there's just... working with my spirits and deities. I'm not sure I have a specific book or texts to suggest for this one, outside of how things like Paradise Lost or The Book of Enoch and the articles and papers on Ugartic and ancient Canaanite mythology have helped to build my understanding of them. The inspiration for the altar I'm working on is unquestionably inspired by Wicca, due to that being my entryway into magic and paganism in the first place, in the sense that understanding why a Wiccan altar is set up how it is helped me to then decide what I wanted and needed on my own. My offerings are influenced by planetary associations and folklore (Venusian incense for Lucifer, things relating to iron or Saturnian herbs for Azazel, etc) and things like candles, food offerings, and incense have become so second nature and obvious to me that I couldn't pinpoint for you which books helped establish that foundation for me. I will say I found writings about the Red Meal very interesting for some of the smaller rituals I have planned. If memory serves it was popularized by Robin Artisson, who I have some trouble blanket recommending due to past attitudes and actions, so this is one of those cases of "take what you need but read critically".

I want to give a special mention to learning divination. It's been the most valuable tool in my practice in recent days. I like to use a combination of tarot and futhark runes when I can. I'd recommend the Rider-Waite-Smith deck as a way to learn the symbolism that's been most widely used, and honestly an online resource like Biddy Tarot while you're first getting used to the meanings of the cards and want help understanding the images used and the meanings they carry. The Rider-Waite-Smith deck uses a lot of ideas and symbols from the Order of the Golden Dawn, so some can be less obvious to those not familiar with them if you're just staring at the cards. Information on Futhark runes is also very wide spread, though I'd avoid anything by Stephen Edred Flowers/Edred Thorsson, as he's frequently associates himself with Asatru flavoured white supremacist groups, and one of them currently has publishing rights to his books that use the Edred Thorsson pen name.

Since I didn't have anywhere else to put it, this is where I also shout out Paul Hudson's Mastering Witchcraft as one of those books a lot of people recommended when I was first starting out with magic, and Jackson Howard, Michael Howard, and Nigel Jackson's The Pillars of Tubal Cain as the book that got recommended to me a lot when people learned I was a Theistic Luciferian, including by other Luciferian authors.

Finally, I want to say that it's always good to go outside of purely occult books. They're often less expensive and very clear with where their information comes from. Articles, papers, and encyclopedias about herbalism and plant folklore, religious history, and so on, can be extremely valuable. For example, The Encyclopedia of Psychoactive Plants: Ethnopharmacology and Its Applications is both a fascinating read and has snippets of historical uses of these plants, such as an incense intended for divination made from acorns.

I hope this wall of text helped give some insight into my thought process and some of the books involve! Someday I might finally start a proper reading list, but sadly today is not yet that day...

[transgendertips]

Hi, I don't know if you're able to help me but I have top surgery in 2 months and I've heard that you should exercise before the surgery. I haven't really exercised because of my dysphoria and depression, and I'm now feeling very anxious about it... I'm scared my results will look bad because of not exercising and building muscle before the surgery. I am fairly healthy and thin but I definitely don't have much muscles - which doesn't really bother me. I'm just scared I have ruined my top surgery :(

So for exercise tips I’m prob not the best person to go to BUT—

Let’s look at a few things about this:

Post op, the things I have heard from MANY people is that it is incredibly important to do small stretches and massage the areas you’ve been operated on + the surrounding area in order to keep up/rebuild your range of movement. So it looks like some of the most important things are to rebuild range of movement in the arms/shoulders and to prevent muscular atrophy in the chest/shoulders/arms.

Pre op, depending on type of top surgery prep is going to look different, but since you mention muscles I’m going to assume it’s within the mastectomy category which can be varied in a lot of ways. Your insurance may require you to be on HRT for 18+ months without a single missed dose, your dr may or may not recommend HRT or exercise, and many drs have had many patients who didn’t have exceptional chest muscles, so you’re more than likely going to be FINE. More than fine. However many drs have said having SOME build up of muscle makes it EASIER for them to reconstruct the area in the later stages of surgery and many people who get mastectomies will say it’s easier to hide certain scars (if that’s what you wish to do) if there’s a build up of some muscle.

I also try doing the exercise thing and between time, fatigue, disability, it’s a pain in the ass, let me tell you.

Maybe the best thing is for you to combine something easy and simple with something else. For example, if you watch a lot of TV, you can add some simple stretches to that to increase mobility and to set a routine for yourself. I think the absolute hardest thing about exercise is the routine part.

You have most definitely not ruined your chances of top surgery, so try not to think too much about that.

I’m going to drop some links, as a disclaimer I haven’t gone through all of them but here they are:

TikTok Tony is a Top Surgery Dr he’s great:

This one is just about a book btw

And when I tried finding something about exercising with depression this was the only thing that fit what I was looking for

If top surgery is something you want/need, you’ve prob already done some research on it, so I say def go back to that as well and look to see what others have done. There’s plethora of guides and testimonials nowadays. Try not to be so hard on yourself too.

EDIT: totally missed the part where you said you had top surgery in two months 😭 omg that’s so great 😭 congrats!!!!🎈🍾🎉🎊 if your team has resources for therapy to deal with the stress of surgery etc I do recommend checking that out though. Follow your surgeons directions, do your stretches and massages, and do your best to take care of yourself and get plenty of rest 💕

[explosionshark]

i am about to go spend 4 mandatory days with my family so i went back through to make sure i didn't miss your book recommendation post. it looks like you haven't made it yet and NO RUSH and also NO PRESSURE but i AM looking forward to it and invested. thank u for your time

Expediting this list FOR YOU, SHANNON ❤️

These are unranked btw. A single tier that is "this was good so you should read it"

Even Though I Knew the End by CL Polk - this novella feels almost like it was cooked up in a lab specifically to appeal to me. I love 40s noir, I love urban fantasy, I love sapphic romance. This book delivers on all fronts. It follows a freelance magician as she investigates a series of brutal supernatural murders that have been plaguing Chicago. If she can find out who's behind the killings she can save lives - including her own. Aside from the great noir detective angle and the fun magic system, there's a beautiful romance at the core. If you read this and you like it, you should definitely also check out P Djeli Clark's Dead Djinn series of books for more stories in a similar vein.

Elder Race by Adrian Tchaikovsky - another novella! This one's not gay, but it's got a great science fantasy premise. At what point is technology indistinguishable from magic? How much difference does it make? This story is a dual narrative - half of it follows the daughter of a royal so low down the succession chain that she's functionally useless embarking on a half mad quest to track down the ancient wizard of folk legends and secure his help in protecting her family's lands against attacks by monsters. The other half follows an anthropologist, the lone survivor of a research team dispatched to a backwater planet centuries ago, struggling to find a sense of purpose in his lonely existence, while the terms of his placement on the planet forbid him from engaging in the lives of the civilization he was sent to observe. Very fun and a brisk read.

Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield - this one's quite different in tone. It's a quiet, contemplative romantic drama about a married couple who planned to spend their whole lives together, slipping away from each other after a traumatic event. It's also a cosmic horror novel about the ocean - its secrets, its power, its ability to transform. Beautifully written but slow paced - if reading about the minutae of the relationship between two British lesbians and also Lovecraftian body horror both hold equal appeal to you as subject matter, it's a book you'll adore.

Echo by Thomas Olde Heuvelt - speaking of relationship issues! This one's gay and haunted in the other direction. It follows a couple after one of them suffers a horrible accident while mountain climbing and comes back different. I'm not sure how much you like scary books, Shannon - I'd say this one is scarier than Our Wives, but not like super terrifying. It's got some amazing ideas though - genuinely the most original haunting/possession story I've read in years.

The Blacktongue Thief by Christopher Buehlman - this was SO much fun. I've struggled reading fantasy this year - I keep starting books and not finishing them. This is the title that finally broke my fantasy slump. It's easy to read, fast paced and not overly dense, with an interesting world and lore that's constantly fleshed out throughout the whole run of the book. Also, god, it was so refreshing to read a sword and sorcery fantasy book with wizards and goblins and shit and just have it be full of women? And the author isn't weird about it? It's narrated by a male character in the vein of the classic Irish trickster hero, but the supporting cast are mostly women. A scrappy apprentice witch, a stoic raven knight with magic tattoos, a magic assassin, a witch queen in exile who has to be restored to the thrown that was stolen from her - it's all happening! Honestly adored this book. Can't wait for the next entries in the series.

Mistakes Were Made by Meryl Wilsner - okay this is not gonna be for everyone. It's also the only straight up romance on the list - in my defense, I haven't read many this year. This is a book about what if you were a college senior moping about on your school's family weekend and you hook up with a hot older chick about it and then the next morning you find out your one night stand is actually your best friend's mom. No wait, keep reading! I actually found this book to have way less of the conflict you'd expect - there was some of the obvious friction, the conflict of interest, the secrecy demanded by the premise but the romance itself was very kind, sweet, generous, once it got going. This one is also very smutty. If a romance sounds appealing but this premise is a no-go, you might want to check out Meryl Wilsner's other book Something To Talk About! I'm very picky with romance, but they're two for two with me.

Good luck! Happy reading!

[squigglysquidd]

I saw your tags on the ME post about working on some original stuff. Looking at your profile, it looks like you've already published two novels! Congratulations!

I was curious about your original writing. First of all, what is your series about (I assume it's a series)? How has your experience been so far, both with the writing and publishing? Do you have a long term vision for your series (or your writing plans just in general)?

Again, congrats! That's such an accomplishment!

Thank you so much!

Pieces of Eden, so far, includes Neon Utopia and the following Apple of Eden. It's a cyberpunk romance with a bit of adventure and, in the case of the second, mystery. I tried to focus a lot on worldbuilding and creating a chance for readers to envision a world that's beautiful on the surface, but goes much deeper into the dark side the closer and longer you look at it.

As for my experience? I saw there's good and bad. The best way to explain a lot of what I experienced is to compare it to fanfiction. Though it's not a perfect example, it's the best one I can relate to.

Unlike fanfiction, you don't get that instant gratification on posting a chapter. Even if you get no comments, you can still say 'hey, I wrote that and I'm happy with it.' With original stuff, you have to keep a bit of it under wraps because ultimately, you're trying to sell it. When I first tried to write original, I gave up because I didn't have something to, basically, cheer me on.

Then I found a friend through my FF writing, @wafflesrock16, who also wanted to use her experience in FF to get into original writing (i highly recommend her fantasy romance series, Rifts, btw). Waffles helps me tremendously because she's my Alpha reader. We bounce ideas and she reads my very rough, very first draft to give me tips. Then came finding a dedicated Beta (which I, unfortunately, didn't have for Neon Utopia - and it sadly shows) and sometimes even an Editor. Being a long fic, I didn't have the money for that so after a Beta's advice, I went through it a handful more times using different techniques to try and polish it up.

Publishing wise, I have to say I went the route of Self-Publishing. I do this for fun, not money, and yes, I did let it get to me last year, but I've realized that bad comments, just like FF, ultimately don't mean anything. People like it or they don't. Also, self-publishing helps me stay calm when I write because I don't have deadlines or have to write query letters to attract agents, then have to double check the agent and publishing company aren't frauds, etc. Plus, all the money comes back to me which, when I sell so few, comes in handy.

The hardest part of the whole process overall is MARKETING. Getting your name out there is hard work and doesn't always work out. I guess that's one good thing about traditional publishing but I still wouldn't trade it.

I, for sure, have one more PoE book in mind but I kinda like how it's more of an episodic series and not one continuous storyline. I don't know if readers will like it so we'll see about reception before I start on the third book.

Writing wise, I want to eventually start my fantasy series. Writing a Fantasy AU for Mass Effect really got me in the mood for it. So, when I finished Fibonacci, get PoE in a place I iike, and feel confident enough to try, I'll start the long process of worldbuilding. Everyone who knows me knows I'm an absolute sucker for worldbuilding so sometimes I get too deep. We'll see when we get there, though, right?

Sorry for being so long-winded! I guess I had quite a bit to say!

Thank you again. And thank you for asking such interesting questions. They really got me thinking about the future and what it holds. :)

[kindabizarretbh]

Please gush us about your most fav OC and most well-written OC ^ ^

SAY LESS >:D

But warning this'll be a very long post(btw I'm not gonna gush about Katherine in this post 'cause I already made a post where I gushed about just her lol)

Most fav OC: Other than Katherine? Honestly Valerie

-The protagonist in part 1 of my story

-She has a twin sister named Joanne, who Valerie doesn't really have the best relationship with, it's not that they hate each other, it's just that for some reason they never got too close with each other

-Severe PTSD after Act I of part 1 in my story, very important to know

-Very much inspired by a character named Sara Chidouin from your turn to die(a game I really recommend playing 👍)

-Does not like Katherine AT ALL, doesn't matter if Katherine helps her a few times, she will forever want to cause Katherine incomprehensible pain

-Though she absolutely despises Katherine, Valerie can definitely tolerate Xelia and Estelle, she's not sure about Erine though

-Minor spoilers: Valerie is actually able to shoot Katherine in the forehead during this one scene

Huh, you know though I've been working on Valerie's character for a long time, this is really all I got to say about her so far lol

---------------

Most well-written OC: My other OCs really aren't as well-written as Valerie and Katherine yet lmao, but I guess I'd have to say Kista is probably the most developed so far

-Theatre kid absolutely and it's very obvious

-Seems like a player but in reality, he gets very attached to people, pretty easily too

-Golden child syndrome, this is extremely important to his character

-Has a wide variety of formal wear, varying from suits to gowns, however, all have the color scheme made of purple, gold, black, and white

-I'm actually contemplating on naming him Laurence, but idk, maybe I'll stick to Kista

-Has a girlfriend named Ruta(who I'll definitely show a visual for later on), their dynamic can pretty much be explained with this image:

-French

-Also plays piano as a hobby, he wanted to try playing the violin, but unfortunately his parents 'didn't have the time' to find him a violin class

-Likes to read, but enjoys reading mystery books/novels the most

-Gonna be honest, a few of my other OCs actually finds Kista annoying, but they never actually state it in front him

That's...also all I have for Kista lol, I feel there should be a lot more info for both these characters I'm able to share yet this is all I got for both of them, but of course, if you have any questions on them, feel free to ask me :D

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

what do you think of minors reading data romance? I know most people disapprove ir at keast pretend to disapprove, heck I only started when I was around 15/, though u had been reading very messed up DD:DNE on AO3 since I was like 12, and by messed up I mean the stuff you don't find in books. also be honest, It's fine if you disagree! (I'm 19 so not a minor myself btw)

i never had a bug talk about what I was reading with my parents, but obvs I'm capable if understanding that fiction is not good in reality. and any abuse I've experienced is because of real people, not books. thank you for your time

First of all, I'm assuming from the context that you mean dark romance. Just to clarify, because I don't want to look dumb and talk about something completely irrelevant. Secondly, when I first read your message, I was like... sh*t, I'm going to start some drama because it's such a sensitive topic, but then I prefer being transparent so let's get into it. :)

This will be a bit long so bear with me <3

If I want to be completely honest with you, I don't know the answer to your question. Morally, I'd say no, minors shouldn't read dark romance, but then everyone is different and some teenagers are more mature than actual adults.

Firstly, what do we mean by minors? I don't think a 14 years old teenager should be reading dark romance, and that is if I generalise, however, just because you turn 18 and you are no longer a minor, it doesn't mean your brain matures from one day to another either. So, part of me says, no, minors shouldn't read dark romance, however, another part of me simply says that I don't know the level of mental and emotional comprehension they have, their capability to process fiction and reality as two completely different things and their ability to understand right and wrong. Do they have the mental and emotional capacity to understand that it's not reality nor should it be romanticised in reality? Some do, but some don't. It really depends on the individual.

You see, not everyone is ready to be exposed to such material at such young age. Hell, even some 20-30 years old people are not ready for it. Now, some teenagers are more mature at the age of 14-17 than a 20+ years old adult, whilst some 20+ years old people behave like literal 10 years old kids both mentally and emotionally. So, whilst I think generally they shouldn't read it, it really depends on whether they can make a difference between fiction and reality and right and wrong.

I started reading spicy books when I was 14, but didn't start reading dark romance until I was 20+. And I personally am glad, because unfortunately I was a very childish teenager. In my case, I'm glad that I haven't been exposed it at such a young age. But then everyone is different and as you said, it didn't affect you and you could differentiate between right and wrong whilst I couldn't.

To protect kids, I think it's a must to put an age recommendation on these books, aka 18+, because not everyone is ready to dive into dark romance. But then it's each reader's decision whether they feel like they are ready to explore that genre after making sure that they have checked the trigger warnings, the content warnings and anything that could affect them harmfully.

You see, when someone asks me for book recommendations, it doesn't matter what age they are, I always add age recommendations and trigger warnings, even if they are adults, and specially mention to only read the books if they are sure that the content won't be harmful to them. But I must add, that most of the book recs requests come from anons on my blog and I can't control who reads what, I can only control the amount of information I give on the recs.

I hope this helped. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you a more concrete answer. :)

‘Heloise the book addict’ masterlist | Heloise’s map

[misdre]

here is an ultimate guide to my book reading ritual. it is the culmination of a progress of a few years

i have four different, hand-written lists of books that i've hung on my fridge door and a wall. one is a list of books recommended to me by people here back when i made a post asking for recs. one is a generic "x number of books everyone should read" from some finnish blog. one is a list of finnish book recs from some finnish blog. and one i have manually compiled from a reddit thread titled something like "genuinely disturbing horror novels" or something similar. i only read books from the latter around halloween so it's mainly untouched, the rest i follow in order, no two books in a row from the same list. i cross a title over when i'm done with it. in the tumblr recommendation post i got some "(any) books by x" recs, so there i just write a little x for each book finished by that author. one of my favourite little moments is getting to open my local library's page and look up a new book from the next list that's up and see where i can get it and then either put a reservation on it or plan when to do the next library trip to get it (usually i get at least two in one go though so more like look up next 2)

sometimes (but rarely, actually) a book just is no good tho and i don't feel like finishing it. i generally give it 100 pages to convince me before dropping it (or something like, 2 hours of an audiobook) and if i'm unconvinced i smudge it over on the list like Shame on you and your entire family.

i have three different bookmarks and choose one that best fits the colour of the covers. the better it fits the more pleased i am. i like also just looking at the current book sitting there with the bookmark that fits nicely

i read books out loud, and getting to pronounce all the names (in non-finnish books) is the best part so i make sure to get them right. sometimes i google how to pronounce things. if it's by an english-speaking author, i pronounce english the british way if it's a british author, american way if it's an american author and so on. i read the entire three musketeers constantly googling french place names

i take a sip of water between paragraph or chapter breaks and have a proper drinking pause every 5 pages. i count the sips so e.g. if there's just one paragraph break within 5 pages, i get 4 sips of water at the end, or if there's none i get the full 5 (this varies so wildly between different books that sometimes i'm taking more like 10 sips in 5 pages and run out of water in the middle. i always use the same water bottle btw. i have a little beyblade coaster for it that's got the BBA boys and usually i position the bottle on top of takao&kai so i always have rei&max visible next to me i'm sorry)

generally i read 20 pages a day in one sitting. it used to be 30 but that felt a bit too much. then if there's something on TV in the evening and it's a commercial channel, i read during the breaks so i get at least 25 pages a day which is my actual goal but this way those other 5 are kinda extra, and sometimes i get even further if there's a lot of breaks, and then i feel like i got a lot of freebie pages and that's great

i've had phases when i basically had one physical book and one audiobook going simultaneously (from two different lists, naturally) but now i don't have any audiobook app subscription anymore. i just found that i wasn't really paying attention to any book i was listening to anymore idk. maybe i'll treat myself a subscription now tho since i'm getting some moneys and have a long daily commute to work. i feel like an audiobook with an unsatisfactory reader can really ruin the whole experience, but then sometimes the experience is just perfect and becomes iconic with my memory of the whole book. it's kind of a gamble

i wrote this down because it's A Great System and also because i started thinking "i'm so weird. like imagine if i explained my whole book reading habit to someone irl. they would think i'm insane" and maybe i am but hey i'm 2 books ahead of my schedule this year on goodreads

[abishekmuses]

Facing the Music

For years, I've harboured envy, resentment, pride and slothfulness. I'm not a christian or anything - don't know why this is taking that form - but I want to roll with it. I've been having a pretty intense time of it recently - For years, I've felt like I've been stuck. Years. Today, I even thought that maybe I've never really felt well-adjusted throughout my entire adult life - that's a scary thought. I don't know if it's true though - how can I know? I've not been in other people's heads. Anyway, about a month ago I decided to take my writing more seriously - you see, I'd spent most of my life wanting to be a doctor - wanting's the key word here - I just wanted it. Wanted it - said I wanted it anyway and thought I wanted it. I realised that I'm not in control of my life and was getting swept away with events and the changes in mood/perspective that they brought about only to find myself in pretty much the same place again after months or maybe even years. There was this sense of "now or never" - I felt like like if I didn't do something radical, I'd keep getting sidetracked by the crosswinds of life - so I decided to go on a 3 month period of silence. I'd still play badminton and to make sure it didn't get unnecessarily weird, I'd speak minimally to my mates there. Likewise on the odd occasion that i'd need to buy something, I'd speak sparingly. (although the idea was to keep this to a bare minimum) And, I'd still speak to my boss. (which is not often anyway)

I was also going off social media (which at this point was just whatsapp and telegram) and youtube. No music either. I also switched off my phone.

I'd been on a "high" wave of sorts - the past few months had felt pretty "flow-y" - There was this sense of positivity in me that was reasonably stable and it felt like this was the right time to do something like this. In the beginning it was all hunky dory - I felt good about myself and got into this "everything's gonna be so great" kind of a mindset that I tend to get into - a high-energy, high-optimism and high-creativity. (I have been thinking if I'm actually bipolar; Not a fun thought)

I had a lot of time; I had a lot of clarity and energy; Good stuff flowing - great all through! Gradually, the fears and icky emotions started to surface.

"Hey! I'm equipped for this stuff now - I've done a bunch of sadhana - plus I know that doing these kinds of things hasten the processing of negative emotions - this is totally par for the course - let's just keep going towards these emotions and just let them go! That'll do the trick!" I felt good about my odds against these dastardly old nemeses of mine. I even wrote a post on this selfsame blog about how much of a game changer this "letting go" thing was. Just sitting with emotions and watching them leave. Managed to finish reading the book "letting go" by David R Hawkins btw. Great read. A book straight out of the heart - and a heart full of love and compassion at that. Highly recommend.

Anyway, been letting out a lot of emotions - been crying practically every single day. But today was something else. It was the motherlode - fear, insecurity, guilt, heartbreak, anxiety, shame - all the negative emotions you can think of - rolled up into one ginormous feeling of pressure and "oh fuck the walls are closing in on me".

At some point, I remembered Richard Rudd's words from the Gene Keys (another book I highly recommend having at home and reading every now and then when the inspiration strikes; It's a prophetic piece of writing and the book has an almost oracle like quality to it) saying that one just has to accept and feel one's fear - that's all it takes.

But it was pretty non-stop. The onslaught of panic and fear just wouldn't abate - I was worried about losing my job; I was worried about ending up broke; all sorts of stuff. But somehow I was able to remind myself that what I was actually afraid of was continuing to feel the way i was feeling in that moment.

The suffocating emotional pressure was the problem - not some hypothetical scenario where i'd lose my job and be broke. I realised that a situation where my inner state wasn't one of stress/fear and I lose my job, wouldn't be such a bad situation after all - I guess what i'm trying to say is i remembered something crucial through that intense negative state - that the real problem is just the state itself. The fears about a certain situation coming to pass in life is just a projection of that internal state.

To make matters worse, I'd woken up thinking about my ex today. I felt a lot of old memories coming up - of me cheating on her - me being a reckless addict in general who caused a lot of damage with his inability to control his impulses; Guilt emerged. Sadness emerged; Desperation ensued. She was on my mind a lot today and I guess that's why I googled her name - Found her website, IG etc - saw that she was upto a lot of cool stuff with her life - she'd been writing (incredibly well) and seemed to have started some kind of service where she was helping people release their inner pain and find lightness. My instant response was one of constriction - A lot of fear, anxiety, insecurity and inadequacy came up. Old patterns of such feelings were recognised. I went for a walk and kind of reckoned with myself for a bit - "hey this is not who you are - are you really upset that she's doing well?" the answer came back that I'm not but I did feel terrified about my own prospects. Felt this feeling a lot of us are familiar with which goes along the lines of "why am I such a fuck up? Why did I waste so much of my life? yada yada" Now you see why I'd mentioned earlier about wanting to do more with writing - now that I saw my ex writing and doing so well with it - I was like "fuck I'm late even to this and I'm not sure i'm even at this level yet - blah blah blah - self-defeating rhetoric. Classic insecurity and fear.

At some point while I was swimming in stress and anxiety, I stumbled on one of her blog posts where I found that her best friend, Julia, a girl that I'd spent quite some time with (she's about my age) had just died! That piece of news was a real shocker and did quite the number on me! I bawled my eyes out and just couldn't hold it.

I was like "to heck with the silence - I'm gonna go tell my parents that I love them and hug them - which I did; I didn't want to go through my period of silence out of some misplaced sense of pride/propriety only to face that feeling of "oh fuck I never got to tell them how i felt!"

I hugged them, cried to them and wrote some stuff to them. For what it's worth, the verbal silence is still intact. Kept crying non-stop. At some point, after hugging my parents and soaking in their love, I couldn't help but feel a profound sense of gratitude for life - that I was even alive. Some of the things I was worried about even hours ago felt churlish. To think that I was thinking things like "fuck I'm 30! Is it too late to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor?" - Man that chick I smoked weed with is dead now! fucking dead!

That really knocked some perspective into me. Even being broke isn't nearly the same ballpark of a problem as being dead. Fuck. That news really knocked the wind out of my sails for a bit. But it also showed me that I was holding back a lot with unnecessary worrying. I felt an inner loosening - a relaxation - a coming back to life.

I got on my motorcycle and went for a ride through my town. I fell in love with everything my eyes saw. I felt reborn.

Let's see where we go! But for now, I love you all and I love this beautiful world we live in for all its fuck ups and dramas and heartaches - I love being alive!

[saffronapplemanga]

GANGSTA. - ギャングスタ - PART 2

CRIME, ACTION, DRAMA

(8 volumes, hiatus) Mangaka Kohske-sensei is sick and works on updates when she can. There are chapters beyond volume 8 in JP that haven't been collected into a volume yet here.

Available in English here

Anime - Yes. I'll admit it's crunchy, poorly paced, and disappointing because the studio went under literally a few days after it finished airing and it shows, but it’s still fun? They did cut stuff from the manga and there's so much they didn't adapt, so I'd recommend reading it. I'm begging for a remake and a season 2 or something...

Links to my other manga posts here

~Part one of this post is here~

This is a continuation of my part one post, so go check that out if you haven't and come back here!

Let’s continue talking non-stop about my precious found family trio ❤️

***Trigger warnings for everything you can think of for this series.***

Part one was broken up into: Why You Should Check GANGSTA. Out - What's It About? - Lots And Lots of Character Analysis (And Gushing) - Where It All Began - Nicolas and Nina - "Nice vs. Kind" - Worick and Alex

This part two post will continue the character analysis and is broken up into: Nicolas and Alex - Nicolas and Worick - Nicolas - The Trio and The Scene That Had Me Bawling My Eyes Out - Brief Shoutouts to Characters I Also Want to Talk About, But This Post Is Already Long Enough

***SPOILERS UNTIL CHAPTER 56 FROM HERE ON OUT***

(Note: the manga pages/panels I included for reference are arranged from right to left reading order btw)

Nicolas and Alex

I touched on Nic and Alex's relationship a bit earlier, but let's dig deeper. We established that Nic is having trouble opening up to Alex, and she's having trouble figuring him out. Gradually though, they start to click.

I've already said that one of the ways Nic shows affection is by teasing. Early on in chapter six when the boys are rushing out the door mid-meal, Nic stops halfway out the door, turns around, and signs something to Alex. And if I'm not mistaken, it's the first time he's initiated talking to her. Alex looks up the sign in the book and realizes he said the food was, "So-so." Even though earlier in the same chapter he felt unapproachable and ate alone down in his space, he's making an effort to communicate and thank her for the food... in his own awkward Nicolas-way lol.

At Constance's shop after Alex's withdrawal meltdown with Worick, we can see Nic keeping an eye on Alex from afar. She starts recalling some memories and is on the edge of having a panic attack. At this moment, Nic comes inside the shop to ask Constance for more paint:

Be still, my beating heart.

I think he asked for the paint as an excuse to casually come closer to Alex. Whether he actually needed more paint or not, he chose this moment to get up from where he was and come inside. After he calms Alex and helps her open the pill bottle, he leaves once she stops trembling, likely to give her some air and not have her feel like he's hovering over her — so that she doesn't feel like she's burdening or worrying them. Since Nic and I have similar love languages/displays of affection, I tend to do the same. I don't like to make a big fuss over something so the other person doesn't feel embarrassed and like they have the spotlight on them. At the same time, I try to make sure they know I'm always around and can come to me when they need to/are ready to.

Next, we have these pages where Alex was helping with a job looking for a lost cat to "earn her keep" when she sees a Twilight child being beaten and about to be SA-ed by Normals. She steps in and whacks one of them to allow the child to escape, but she's up against three big guys and gets caught. Luckily, Nic comes in the nick of time hehe:

I can't believe they cut this out of the anime... Nic is a cat whisperer but Alex is not a Nic whisperer... yet, LOL. She'll get there. And him constantly pickpocketing the people he knocks out is so funny. But also it’s sad because it’s a habit he picked up as a kid to survive.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I love the casual kindness in this series. Nic saves Alex and the child, and gives her the cat and the money he pickpocketed from the men. Then he gave some to the child and walked away. The way he did all this sort of reminded me of this saying that’s found in the Abrahamic religions that goes, "Give without letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing." Except Nic is a leftie lol. This saying is about not seeking a reward for doing something good. To not “announce” your good deeds for attention. Nic does what he does, doesn't make a big deal of it, and just goes about his business (it's "nice vs. kind" again!). Alex stands against injustice even when it put her in great danger. In this case, she put herself in danger for a Twilight she didn't even know, and I'm sure Nic appreciates that.

Even though Alex is struggling to get on Nic's wavelength, it doesn't stop her from trying. She takes the initiative to learn sign language when she's alone. Before heading home from the clinic together, Alex stops Nic to convey her feelings about her situation, but in sign. It's her first attempt at signing a full conversation. Nic waits for her to finish without interrupting her, but then says, "Idiot. Your signing sucks. I can't understand it. Try again. And quit being so rough with that book. It's the only copy we have." To me, it sounds like Nic knew that Alex was studying sign, and he appreciates her effort and is teasing like he always does. They're starting to meet each other halfway more and more.

When Alex regains her memories and passes out from a panic attack, we get this scene:

This is an example of what I meant by, "I try to make sure they know I'm always around and can come to me when they need to/are ready to." He's just there, quietly watching over her when she's in a vulnerable state. He chose to read his book in Worick's room next to her instead of the living room or his room. It's such a simple gesture — a reassuring presence at a time when she's working through her trauma, waiting by her side with a comforting drink in hand.

A scene I adored was this:

Kohske-sensei, once again killing it with conveying things through wordless pages.

After comforting a grieving Nina, Nic takes her to Bastard to watch Alex sing. He leans against the speakers so he can feel the vibrations of her performance in an effort to connect to Alex since he can't hear her singing. If this isn't the cutest thing... idk what is...

Also, this:

A little bit after leaving Bastard, Nic's 'roided out on Theo's drug and is about to do some reckless shit. He's leaping over the rooftops to his destination and we get this page of him drifting in the air... humming the tune of Alex's song... AHHHH!!!

Nicolas and Worick

I talked about the Handymen and their relationships with other characters, but what about with each other? As early as the first page of chapter two, we already get hints that Nic and Worick have a... complicated relationship.

From their banter and how they bounce off each other, we can tell these two are beyond close. But the more we progress, the more we see how close. Worick usually presents a silly, charming, and laid-back attitude, so it's jarring when we see him seriously snap at the girl badmouthing Nic at the brothel. It's kind of scary to see him like that. Time and time again, we see how protective he is of Nic. When one of his clients suggests that Nic should "join them" Worick declines and is angry on the inside. He thinks to himself that Nic isn't a sex worker. While Nic couldn't join Worick in working at the brothel, Pussy, because no Twilights are allowed, I get the feeling Worick wouldn’t have let him anyway. He's traumatized by his sex work and seems to keep Nic out of it. Hell, he owns Nic and he could have made him sell himself, but my impression is that he's against it. Maybe I'm reaching, idk.

With their backstory, we learn a lot about them, how they met, why they are the way they are, and more. I love that Worick took Nic in and gave him the education he never had. They bond as children and become friends, but we can see SO MANY times, Nic bows to Worick. I've lost count of how many times he does it. I think this is because his whole life, Nic has been taught to obey his "master" which was usually his father, and now, Worick. Now, these two hurt little boys are brought together, and they need one another to survive.

Worick asks, "Why don't you run away?" and, "How can you act so calm?" There are various reasons Nic hasn't run away and acts calm, so allow me:

Worick doesn't know yet at this point, but Nic's father, Gaston Brown, has his supply of Cerebret. Nic can't source it himself and would die without it if he ran away.

He's a child. Where would he even go? He has nowhere to go.

He's acting "calm" because, to him, this is his "normal". It's not unusual for victims of abuse to not register things they experienced as abuse. If that's the only perspective they've known and have been conditioned to, it becomes their "normal". Or some believe they "deserve" that treatment. Worick's "normal" also consists of constant abuse, but he at least has a contrasting point of reference in his brother who gets treated much better than he does. Nic doesn't have that.

No matter how terrible, Gaston Brown is his father at the end of the day. It can be ridiculously hard to cut parents out, even when you hate them. This applies to Worick as well, but I'm going to expand on this point more in a bit.

I'm sure Worick was asking these questions out of frustration, perhaps asking himself those questions rather than actually directing them at Nic who he knows isn't listening.

The two are suffering abuse at the hands of their fathers, but the abuse isn't just physical. Although, that's the most obvious form that they are both experiencing at the same time:

It's common for victims of physical abuse to say, "I fell," or say they had an accident when asked about their injuries. Worick is the first to bring up the topic in chapter 13 (right page) as he's been observing Nic and his behaviors more and more. Nic pauses before coming up with a lie, saying that he, "...fell down". I wouldn't be surprised if he was told to either hide that his father was abusing him or maybe he thinks it was his fault and takes the blame for his injuries. Worick understands what he actually means though. It's glaringly obvious that Nic's arm has been stomped on by someone wearing military boots. Then in chapter 15 (left page) after Nic comes back from a battle, he asks what happened to Worick. And Worick mirrors Nic's response of, "I fell." I think Nic knows about Worick being beaten by this point, and his asking was more like, I'm the one that just came back from war. What the heck happened to you? Are you okay? Or something along those lines.

After this, the boys really start to get along, even more than before. They enjoy each other's company and feel comfortable with one another. They understand each other in a way no one else around them does. But then, Worick learns that Nic is a Twilight, and he's been taught that Twilights are monsters. At first, he's in denial when he finds out but ultimately challenges his teachings. He's spent time and shared intimate moments with this so-called "monster" and quickly works towards saving Nic from his father. So, he buys Nic's contract and a supply of Cerebret.

This scene... stomped on my heart. After being injured in a battle he, A 12 YEAR OLD CHILD, was forced to fight in, Nic wakes up, leaving the bed and assuming his spot on the floor — like he's been "trained" to do (more on this in the next section... ugh.) He rips out his IV and runs out in the rain calling after his father, clinging to the bars of the fence... only to be thrown away for money and called a monster. His expression on the last page killed me. That's the face of a child who still hoped for their parent to show them love, even after everything they had done to them. Yes, Worick has saved him from his father's tyranny, but part of him still hoped...

The next day, Worick has been beaten once again. Nic has been "freed" but not actually. As Worick says, "Great, nothing's changed at all." (This is a theme that comes up constantly.) Nic is still a child soldier who's a slave and Worick is still his father's punching bag. Nic's response? He signs, "Should I kill him?" referring to Worick's father, as it is now time to free Worick from his abusive situation. It's also the only thing he knows how to do. Nic snaps the next time Worick's father beats him, killing the whole family. Worick is in a panic, "Father, it wasn't me! Please believe me, Father..." and he seems angry at Nic. When he tells him, "I won't allow you to die that easy! You're going to hurt real bad before you die! The worst kind of pain you can imagine! That's an order!" he's taking out his frustration on Nic while also begging him to not die and leave him behind. Nic is Worick's only friend after all. The expression on Nic's face when he gets yelled at is interesting. At first his eyes are open wide, then he relaxes his face accepting what Worick says. It reminds me of his face when his father left. It's worth pointing out that Nic's previous master was a white/blonde man with an eyepatch who was bigger than him and was rough with him. And now his new master is too.

I think... Worick is ultimately glad his father is gone, but he's conflicted. The thing with some relationships, especially family/parent-child relationships, is that it's never that simple. No matter how terrible, a child will always crave the love of their parent. Somewhere inside, they hope that a crumb of affection will come their way. Often times in abusive relationships, it isn't always all bad. The abusive parent can still have moments where they are good to the child victim and show care and gentleness. The child is powerless to run away, powerless to fight back, and naturally seeks the love of the parent, so they don't have much choice other than to endure and hope for "good times" to make their appearance.

While I was writing this, I was skimming through the manga again to refresh my memory and I saw this page at the end of vol.3 that I either missed or completely forgot about that supports what I'm saying:

Apparently, Worick's picture is only in the Japanese volumes.

Gaston Brown is... hugging Nic. I think... this is the only time we see Nic smile as a child. And he did put the last name "Brown" on Nic's tag. Did he see him as his son, even a little? I want to mention that the flashback is all from Worick's POV, and we never directly see Gaston physically abuse Nic. Worick's POV could be skewing our perception of Nic's story and he might be projecting his experience with abuse onto Nic, assuming it was Gaston when it could've been the other men. I could argue points in Gatson's defense, believe it or not. Like how he actually told the guys to lay off of Nic, or maybe he sold him to Worick because they could take care of him better than he could, and so on and so forth. Still a piece of shit and not father-of-the-year or anything, and this could totally not be the case. It's something to think about but I'll leave it there for now.

The same is true for Worick. He's had nice moments with his father as well. But now, there is no chance Worick can ever hope to have a relationship with his father. While no longer being terrorized, the boys lost all hope for parental affection as well as any kind of familial support system. It's normal to feel great loss and regret. It reminds me of Ash's relationship with his father from Banana Fish, and that One Piece character who had a dedicated arc semi-recently (I don't wanna spoil anyone, but if you know, you know). Like Ash and in One Piece, Nic and Worick were failed by their parents and pushed to desperate measures to survive. But ultimately, all these characters can't bring themselves to completely hate their parents and feel nothing for them. It's harder than it seems to throw your family away even when you hate them. Whenever people are like, "Just cut your parents off! They're not the boss of you!" it's like... shut up, it's complicated.

Surely now, things will be on the up and up now that they're out of those terrible situations, right?

Wrong.

Worick is selling himself to support them, and Nic is frankly a burden. His medication is expensive, he can't work regular jobs, and all he knows how to do is fight and kill. Worick is excited to take Nic somewhere where they can get something decent to eat, and to eat together at a place that allows Twilights. But he rounds the corner and sees that his friend is beaten and bruised. And Nic says it himself, "All of it is pointless." (Again, this is a constant theme.) They're constantly stuck in a crappy situation. They're NOT free even after running away. They're still two scared little kids with no support system, fending for themselves just like before. And Twilights will always be oppressed. They'll always be slaves. The whole Three Laws is a facade to "free" the Twilights when in reality that's not the case. It's probably why Chad says he doesn't like the Three Laws and not to talk about them around him. Even if Worick didn't own him, Nic and the other Twilights would be slaves to the system.

In the current timeline, the boys are doing pretty well for themselves. Their business/home, their neutral status, and freelancer flexibility are PEAK luxuries. If you look at their current lifestyle and think, "Man, they live in a shitty place and their jobs kinda suck," then I say to you, that you haven't tasted poverty and desperation. I always get pissy when I see those, "I tried living on poverty wages for a month!" things because... fuck you. One of the worst parts about poverty is that there's no end in sight. You can slave away day in and day out and not get anywhere. There's no promise of "moving up" if you just work hard enough. But if you KNOW it's over in a month or even a year or more? You can pace yourself and stick it out. That's nothing. That's EASY. At least there's an end in sight. But even if you get out, you always live in fear of slipping and going back. Anyone who thinks poverty is caused by people being lazy or whatever is just exposing how ignorant they are. Poverty is a failure of society — all of us as a society are failing the poor and oppressed. Poverty is a form of violence, and not a failure of the individual. I don't want to harp on about this for too long, but just know, I'm proud of the boys and I love their crappy little home and wish them luck on their morally dubious jobs.

But, these two are codependent on each other while also having some awkward power dynamics. Nic needs Worick to be his contract holder to afford him as much "freedom" as he has, and to keep others from using him. Early on, he relied on Worick to provide for them. Worick needs Nic to keep him safe, and I'd argue that Worick would've been taken out for his "storage" ability being a liability ages ago if it wasn't for Nic's presence being a threat. Beyond bodily survival, they need one another in terms of emotional well-being and keeping each other in check. They're aware of their "master/Twilight" positions and for the most part, do well to thrive together despite it. It does come up though and continues to be a point of contention in their relationship.

Back to the Arcangelo family massacre, maybe part of Worick was angry at himself for not being able to do anything and Nic having to dirty his hands. Plus the way Nic killed everyone was... gruesome. It proved to Worick what Nic was capable of and that he really is a Twilight, a monster, and all of this shocked him. The boys were friends, but after the massacre, part of Worick likely hated Nic and he was cruel to him in some ways (as we see more of in the Blu-ray manga where Worick even calls Nic his dog. He was playing along with Monroe, but still...) There's definitely resentment. You could say Nic ruined his life as much as he saved him.

However, two years later (I'm assuming after the attack on Monroe), we get a scene of Worick crying to Chad as Nic is hospitalized, and I believe he starts to realize once again that Nic is just a kid and not an invincible monster. He realizes that throwing Nic into that situation with his planned attack on Monroe almost got his only friend killed for real (which might be why Monroe later says that Nic attacked him for his master's sake, that bothers Worick because he now sees them as friends). At this point, their relationship takes another turn.

The reality is that he's still technically Nic's master, but they're friends too. So now they went from friends, to master/slave, and now to master/friends. It's an awkward line to walk, and Worick is trying his best to keep it more on the friendship side. Like, when he tells Nic not to make him give orders because he doesn't like flexing his role as master. No matter what, the legal ownership of Nic is always hovering over them. It's... complicated... good lord.

I do find it interesting to think about how Worick is probably the first person who treated Nic normally at first because he didn't know he was a Twilight. Nic probably never experienced that any other time.

One last thing — I love that they got matching tattoos because it was to cover the serial numbers on Nic's back and Worick got one too. I think it was Worick's idea because Nic doesn't seem like the type that would bother. Cute...

I know I mainly talked about their past together and there's so much subtle stuff from the present like their conversation at Connie's place and Worick hitting Nic with the hammer to test his sense of pain. But maybe another time or else we're gonna be here all day. I could literally analyze this series page by page, panel by panel.

Nicolas

Now, I'd like to further break down aspects of Nic's character I have yet to cover in this section dedicated to him because he's my baby girl.

Worick's family had it coming. If only Nic took out his own dad while he was at it.

I am not deaf, nor will I pretend to truly understand what it's like for those in the deaf/hard-of-hearing community. I can only give my perspective on the portrayal of Nicolas as someone trying to relate and understand from my limited knowledge, my own experience with disability, and through my experience with a deaf relative of mine. So please keep that in mind whenever I address that aspect of Nic. If I got something wrong, please let me know! I’m always open to learning more.

Nic expresses himself differently than Worick, from his mannerisms, how he shows kindness, etc. Why is he the way he is? I've seen some people say that he doesn't show a lot of emotion. While I do think he was emotionally stunted from childhood, he actually displays a lot of emotion. He's just more subtle about it, except for when he wants to fight I guess.

From the start, he gives off a feral kind of energy. Nic has an itch for battle, yes, but it also shows in his body language in his daily life and how he acts outside of battle.

I know I call him an animal here, but I say it affectionately, I swear. I want to throw hands with his dad who treated him like a literal animal (ง’̀-‘́)ง But we'll get to that... They cut this detail out of the anime too!

A panel that stood out to me early on is this:

Nic often curls up on furniture, like when he sat next to Nina on the couch. But here when he's alone, he's hunched over his food, not even properly sitting on the loveseat. He sits downstairs alone to eat instead of joining Worick and Alex. Worick mentions that, "I've known him since we were kids, but we've only been eating together for the past two or three years." Later at the end of one of the volumes, we get a layout of the Handymen's home and it turns out Nic doesn't have a bed. His "room" is the open space by the kitchen and his "bed" is either the loveseat or he just sleeps on the floor. It's like... he doesn't know how to sit "normally" or behave in a "typical" manner sometimes.

Listen, I sleep on the floor with a Japanese-style futon and I'm that kid that has to sit cross-legged on everything — couches, desk chairs, those insufferably uncomfortable science class/art studio stools, you name it. But Nic's body language was telling me that he's been hurt and abused before I even got any info on his backstory.

Sure enough, his backstory proved me right.

We talked about the physical abuse Nic and Worick went through, but there's more to it than just that. Worick is also being emotionally abused by being othered and hated for being the result of his father's infidelity. Nic is being abused on so many levels — he hasn't been given any kind of education (abuse!), his medication is being kept from him and he's only given enough to barely function (medical child abuse), his mother was killed by his father and he was taken to be a child soldier (yikes...), and he's being treated like a literal dog! OH MY GOD!!!

His feet don't even reach the floor... How could you be so cruel to this child...

Multiple times, we see that Nic goes out of his way to come down off of furniture and curl up on the floor as if he was a dog that got scolded, and to take up as little room as possible. Worick realizes that Gatson Brown probably "trained" Nic to do this, so he tells him he doesn't have to do that around him. He can just sit on the chair. Nic nods in response but he keeps getting down and sitting on the floor again and again. It's like it's been hardwired and beat into him — engrained into him, and he's having a hard time breaking the habit.

When Nic wakes up after passing out, he looks startled. Normally, I'd think that he's reacting to Worick finding out that he's a Twilight, but Nic can't hear them and likely can't read their lips from where he is. Maybe he could tell from their body language? But to me, this feels like he woke up and thought, Why am I in a bed? Oh no, I should get out of this bed before anyone sees me. I'll get in trouble. I'm doing a lot of assuming here, but that's my impression because the first thing he does is jump out of bed and curl up on the floor next to the IV stand. He flips through the book and lingers on the signs for "Family/Father". Then he gets up, rips the IV out, and runs outside to chase after his father. That's when we get the heart-wrenching scene where he's abandoned that we discussed in the previous section.

The abuse that takes form in Nic's lack of education and accommodations for his disability is something that got me REAL heated. Like, yeah, the child soldier thing is horrible but I don't think I need to expand on why... I touched on education in my Tenmaku no Jadoogar: A Witch's Life in Mongol post, but in summary, education is a human right! Access to language is a human right! A deaf child not having access to language is child abuse! Whether it's spoken or sign language, they need to be able to convey their wants and needs and communicate with those around them. Humans are social beings! I've seen firsthand a mere glimpse of what a deaf child who hasn't been given proper access to language goes through, and I raised hell over it! I won't get into details out of respect for their privacy. I can only imagine how lonely and isolated Nic must have been his whole life. His deafness and language deprivation can also be symbolic of Twilights not having a voice in society.

And I want to be clear that I'm not saying deaf or hard-of-hearing individuals need hearing aids or cochlear implants or anything like that (Nic probably couldn't get some anyways, but that's not the point). Deafness isn't something that needs to be "fixed" because there's no such thing. Whether one wants to utilize medical devices, wants to learn spoken language/speech therapy, wants to learn sign language, and how they want to use them in whatever combination is a deeply personal choice. These are all tools and some people in the deaf and hard-of-hearing community chose not to use medical devices of any kind. Some, like Nic, prefer sign language over speaking. They should be presented with their options and be able to choose what suits their needs best.

Why is he always itching for a fight? My opinion? It’s all he knew for so long and he's depressed and needs to feel something. The whole thing about the Cerebret making him numb and lose feeling reminds me of the numbness you feel when depressed so that could be symbolism or something? Also... I think Nic might be kinda suicidal... Like in a trying-to-get-himself-killed and having self-destructive tendencies kinda way if that makes sense. He's accepted his fate of dying young, of always being seen as a monster.

Seeing Nic say something so profoundly sad, echoing himself as a child, while simultaneously having people around who love him do everything they can to help is just… heartbreaking. He feels hopeless. This goes back to what I said in the previous section about how Nic knows he and the Twilights will never be free no matter what.

Despite this, he's still SO KIND!!! A scene that turned on the waterworks for me is this:

He's having seizures and is in extreme pain. Theo is about to call the test off but Nic stops him. He knocks the downer out of Theo's hand since using it would ruin the test results. Then, he grits his teeth and smiles, points to Yang indicating to Theo, I'm fine. Go help him. Now that he's accepted his death that's coming sooner rather than later, he's offering his body to help Theo figure out how to help other Twilights...

Nic is a perfect representation of what Twilights face in this world. From being born to be a weapon, being oppressed and abused, having no voice, and even the manga not having much of his perspective. The past was Worick's POV and the present is a lof of Alex's POV. Nic's POV is pretty much just his memories of Veronica. We don't get to hear from him about what he thinks very often, and most of the time we have to infer a lot of things. He fascinates me and I want to learn more about him!!!

The Trio and The Scenes From Ch 43 and 56 That Had Me Bawling My Eyes Out

Note: I read the post-vol. 8 chapters in Japanese. I'll be using my own translations for the post-vol. 8 chapters I'm referencing.

We get various moments throughout the series of the trio interacting. Most of the notable moments have been one on one — either Nic/Worick, Nic/Alex, or Alex/Worick. The scenes I want to talk about here are ones where things start to… converge (?) in a way. Like, things regarding the three of them coming together? I’m not quite sure how to put it. Hopefully, as I talk about the scenes, things will start to make sense.

Chapter 43 was relentless, from beginning to end. We check in with where the trio are mentally/emotionally. While separated from one another in this chapter, they’re all… really going through it at this point, to put it mildly.

First up is Worick, who has just made some WILD moves in the story. Like, holy shit, Worick!!! I trust you sweetie, but what’s going on in that big beautiful head of yours? I was anxious when he found out about Monroe's betrayal and he made a face I'm used to seeing on Nic, but not Worick himself — an unhinged grin that says, Oh, I'm about to fuck shit up. And I was nervously laughing like... haha, what're you gonna do Worick...? Oh no... I have a bad feeling about this. AND THEN HE ROLLED UP WITH MILES' HEAD IN A BAG! And wants to see Uranos Corsica! WORICK!!?! He's doing a convincing job of making everyone think that he's siding with Corsica, the notorious Twilight-hater.

While I have to say, Worick is scaring me a bit, I don't doubt him at all. He's constantly shown what a wonderful person he is. He's gone above and beyond to protect Nic and doesn't let people speak ill of his partner. And it's precisely in the midst of Worick taking frightening, extreme measures that we get this scene:

Sometimes, murder is moral, kids. But his face... the way he hesitated to hug her back...

It opens with a flashback of Worick in his teens having just stabbed a man who was cruel to Twilights and he's taking it upon himself to stand up for them. We've been shown that Worick hates the discrimination against Twilights despite having been taught to hate and fear them before he met Nicolas. And now, I'm genuinely worried for him because he could very much get himself killed. Nic's not with him. No one is. He's doing this alone. Big Mama is on his side, but she still works under Corsica.

Speaking of Nic, I don't think Worick filled him in on whatever the plan is. Nic was passed out after having a seizure when Worick decided to raise hell against Monroe. He's the next in the trio we check in with. But right before we do, we see Chad on the phone with Gina where he's forced to acknowledge that he's helpless to do anything for the suffering Twilights. He remembers what Nicolas said as a child — "All of it is pointless." I'm not crying.

Back at the clinic, Nic is still out of commission from the experimental drug's side effects. He's remembering the night he killed Worick's family and Worick yelling at him. Nina puts her hands on his shaking ones, trying to soothe him:

Just fuck me up... Don't make that face... Theo, I’m gonna need you to come in clutch and figure something out. Can we get this man a juicy research budget or something…?😩💦

Nic, once again, looks so hopeless. So defeated. He's accepted his fate. He still wants to help the other Twilights. *Punches the wall* DAMNIT STOP HURTING MY BOY LIKE THIS!

Theo says Nic's contract has been "voided" and Nic says, "My master is going to a place where he doesn't need a Twilight anymore" while looking distraught in my opinion. That line makes it sound like he may have some idea of what Worick is doing. Or a more depressing interpretation is that he thinks he's useless and has been tossed aside, but I refuse to entertain that idea. And then he says he still has an order to follow. I think this is in reference to what Worick told him that night Nic killed his family — "I won't allow you to die that easy! You're going to hurt real bad before you die! The worst kind of pain you can imagine! That's an order!" Like, You're not allowed to die on me. I also think the order might be to keep Alex safe and get her out of the city (which is why he’s looking at the blood under his nails where he accidentally scratched her). And I want to point out that even though his contract is voided, Nic from this point on keeps constantly calling Worick his master. Maybe it's a sense of loyalty, or because he doesn't want Worick to leave him behind. I honestly can't say for sure, but it hurts me... I'm holding my head in my hands right now... ugh...

Finally, we have Alex closing the chapter. She comes back to Handymen HQ with the intention of it being the last time — "Barry, you were right. I was crazy to think I'd found a place where I belonged. I've never had a home I could come back to. And I'm sure this time, I'll never come back here again." I'm NOT crying. But then, she finds a beheaded body the moment she walks through the door.

I gotta say, I laughed a little here because the first thing Alex does after realizing what she’s looking at is to lock the door and close the window shutters. Her first instinct is to try and make sure nobody finds out that one of the boys BEHEADED A MAN in their living room. I mean, yeah she was freaked out by the body, but more so than that, she didn’t want the boys to get in trouble for murder!!! Whether she thinks they did it or not is unclear, but even if they did, it doesn’t matter to her! She trusts them 100%!!! She did meet them murdering Barry and all, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Alex, you boobalicious babe, you’re such a real one!!!!! She might make a great getaway driver, tbh.

Anyways, back to the scenes ruining my life:

By this point in the chapter, I’m just sitting in front of a tissue box with a pile of used tissues in my lap… I’m reading through tears. I can’t see shit.😭😭😭

Right after she tries to cover the boys’ asses for homicide, her train of thought goes down memory lane. Her eyes wander around the room, recalling her life since Barry, and the men who saved her from the streets of Ergastulum, asking for nothing in return. We see a note from Worick and an envelope of money he left for Alex, bloody hand prints everywhere. Even in the midst of him BEHEADING A MAN IN THE LIVING ROOM, making some extremely risky moves, and heading into the lion’s den, he still thought of Alex — not wanting her to get wrapped up in their mess and the turmoil that's enveloping the city. I am bouncing off the walls, crying, screaming… I love them....... The care and love they all have for each other is... *sobbing*

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Before moving onto the scene from chapter 56 that I've literally made my desktop background, I wanted to dig a little further into whatever Worick is planning, so I'm going to jump to chapters 50-51.

I said that I don't think Worick filled Nic in on the plan, so I was wondering how Nic felt about what his partner was up to. We get a scene where he looks shocked when he's told, "Your contract holder, Storage (Worick), has committed taboo." And I'M over here like, Nic, are we freaking out? Are we chill? What’s the vibe buddy? I can’t tell if we’re in trouble or not...

But then:

He smiled. Okay, so Nic seems okay with this. Now I can breathe a little.

The flashback scenes of the boys when they were working for Monroe show that they had a good relationship with Miles. It looks like they genuinely cared for each other. Miles even says that if his son was still alive, it would be nice if he was like Worick. So while I still have faith that Worick knows what he's doing, and after being reassured by Nic's smile, I must say the flashback portion did add salt to the wound. At first, when Worick shows up with the head, I started to think if there was any possibility that he didn't actually kill Miles and that it was a trick or something. Later, however, at the end of chapter 43, we check in with Alex and see the beheaded body at the Handymen's home. Unless there's some kind of twist, I guess he really did kill him and that makes me sad after seeing these flashback pages. Now I'm wondering how Worick feels about everything. He's clearly under a lot of pressure. I'd like to see more from him in future chapters about all this.

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And now, the scenes that've been living rent-free in my head...

Captured by the Paulklee Guild, Nic and Alex have some tender af moments. In chapter 53, Alex wakes up and immediately starts asking about Nic's injuries and apologizes for not being able to do anything. He cuts her off by placing the back of his hand over her mouth and responds with this:

Nic: "You missed your chance to hightail it out of here again, slowpoke."

Alex: "...Yeah... I guess I did."

I LOVE THEM!!!🥺❤️

This is the most... what do you even call it? Tender? Loving? Casually comfortable? Whatever it is, they are totally clicking now!!! And it continues in this scene that had me kicking my feet and crying buckets in chapter 56:

Alex: "He's even got scars behind his ears..."

Nic: "...WhAT?"

Alex: "I always thought you were completely different from him."

Nic: "WhAT abOUt NOw?"

Alex: "You suck."

Nic: "Heh."

"No need for you to answer the phone anymore. So what do you wanna do now? You can go back to being a prostitute, or keep chasing after my master. If you wanna keep playing diva, that's fine too. If you wanna break out of here, I'll make it happen."

Alex: "Hm..."

Nic: "ChoOSe wHAteVer yOu WAnt, bECaUse yoU'Re diffERenT fRoM Us."

Alex: "...Yeah."

When she reaches for him, Nic's reflex is to grab Alex's hand when he feels something approaching from behind. Then he notices her hand is injured from when he hurt her during his seizure. There are panels of him before this looking at blood under his nails, probably from digging them into Alex's hand. He lets go and signs, "Sorry." I want to point out, there's NO text box for this sign. I don't know any Japanese sign language other than "thank you" because this manga taught me that one. That's a lie, I also know "kill" which is sure to come in handy. But it's incredible how I know that he signed "sorry" without knowing the sign for it. They didn't put a text box for that sign and they didn't need to! So good. Peak. This is peak fiction I say unironically. They joke and banter while in a grim situation, and it's tooth-rottingly sweet.

Nic, who’s usually on guard, is completely relaxed now. He lets Alex caress him. Worick, who usually has a calm and cool facade on, is tense after his nightmare, unable to keep his usual mask up. He too, lets Alex caress him, and we get mirrored pages of Nic in the current moment and Worick from chapter 16. They trust her and Alex is trusting them after suffering abuse at the hands of others, growing closer to them. All three of them allow themselves to have some vulnerability with one another after living such harsh lives, constantly clawing to survive.

Then, Nic tells Alex to do whatever her heart desires. Whatever she wants, he'll make it happen. She's "different" and doesn't have to be stuck in this crappy cycle like them. But she looks a bit upset when he says this. Like she's mad he thinks they're doomed to live a hopeless existence and to suggest she abandon them for her own sake. I'm hoping that now Alex is mostly recovered from her withdrawals, we'll get to see more of her kindness with the boys and helping them in their time of need like they did for her.

They're so soft.........

I personally don’t perceive any of the intimate scenes we get throughout the manga as romantic. I don’t think there’s going to be a love triangle or that Alex is going to get paired up with one of the Handymen. Especially with the mirrored pages of Nic and Worick from Alex’s point of view in chapter 56 shows she loves them the same. I can understand why people would see these scenes as romantic, because honestly, they’re more “romantic” and emotional than a lot of romances out there. While talking to my friend, I jokingly referred to this as “platonic romance/romanticized friendship” where you love your homies and family so much and feel you’re able to bare your soul to them. I’m aware that Kohske-sensei has drawn old art of Nic and Alex as a couple, but that isn’t canon so I’m not counting it. You can ship your characters and not make them a couple in canon lol. But if she does go that route, I trust her to do it well.

Brief Shoutouts to Characters I Also Want to Talk About, But This Post Is Already Long Enough

Nina

I already talked about Nina in part one so I won’t say much more. But what’s up with her? Does she have some One Piece Haki powers or something??? Is there something you’d like to share with the class, Nina?

Theo

I’d like to think that Theo isn’t being as reckless with the experimental drug as it seems. We’ve seen that Theo is much kinder than he lets on. He obviously loves Nina (whenever he wraps his lab coat around her, it's so damn cute!!!) and he’s made it his mission to help the oppressed Twilights, even going as far as to make his own generic Cerebret which puts a target on his back. So yeah, Theo is great and I’m hoping he figures out a way to let Nic and the other Twilights live long, healthy lives. And there's a lot about Twilight biology that we don't know, and I hope Theo gets some answers. In particular, I'm curious about their psychology, especially after what happened with Delico and Monroe. And since a lot of the story leans towards a Worick-centric perspective, I want to know more about what Nic's thinking.

Marco and Constance

I want to say a lot but I’m still in mourning right now so I’m just gonna say — Marco, Connie, you guys were such badasses and deserved better… I know Marco was a war criminal but that wasn’t his fault and he’s a sweet guy now, so we’re going to overlook it!

Kohske-sensei, how could you… I actually thought they’d survive.

Loretta

You know the cliche line that goes like, “Someone’s gotta make the hard choices,” or whatever? Yeah, that’s basically what Gina is doing in the latest chapters when she’s refusing to open the guild’s doors to the civilian Twilights. The thing is, people who do this are never making the actual hard choice. What they’re doing is easy — just sacrifice people you don’t care about and turn the other way. Especially easy if you don't have a big guilty conscience. Yes, Gina makes some points about why, and she’s not wrong, but I stand by what I said.

But Loretta? Nah, my girl Loretta is making the real hard choices. Characters who make choices like Gina see two options: A) Help people and inconvenience myself/cause myself to fall with them. B) Oh well. It’s unfortunate but what can you do? — not Loretta though. Those options are unacceptable so she chooses “Option C”, also known as the actual hard choice.

“Option C” in any narrative (and in real life as well) is always the one that takes the most effort and the most commitment. You have to forge the path for “Option C” yourself. Loretta is going to have to put a ton of work in and stay on top of things if she’s going to have any chance of success. Thankfully, not only is she amazing, she’s wise enough to know she can’t do it alone and asks Gina to release Nic, Alex, Nina, and Theo so they can lend a hand.

LORETTA SWEETIE YOU’RE DOING AMAZING! When she was calling Gina out to “make the humane choice” with that look in her eyes, I was like, DAMN GIRL, GET HER ASS! I am rooting for you sis!!!

Veronica

Everyone seems to be blaming the Handymen, and Nic in particular for whatever happened to Veronica. We don't have much to work with, but part of me thinks that Nic and Veronica both had/have the bad habit of overdosing and it didn't end well for her. Like, she bit off more than she could chew and they both had self-destructive tendencies? Maybe... idk. When Gina shot Nic full of downers that one time, she did say, "I believe I've already told you to quit overdosing on Cerebret. Especially the uppers. Do you want to end up like Veronica?" I think Gina cares about him even if she would never admit it, dawww. There is more to it though, but we don't have enough info right now. And I need to stew on her for a while, so I don't have much to say at the moment.

Monroe

The way Monroe spoke about Delico was… a red flag. He likely did the same with Nic. In the Blu-ray extra manga, we see a bit of how he talks about Nic in a similar way when he was a child. Monroe isn’t much different than Gaston Brown. He’s a father figure who uses people, particularly Twilights, as tools/weapons. He’s abusive and manipulative. But his way of going about it is different. He’s won the affection of those he abuses because of his charm and giving a place of belonging and a support system to those who have nothing. These are common reasons why people join gangs in real life as well, but I won’t get into that here. It would be interesting to see more of how the Handymen’s relationship was with Monroe when they were younger. I wonder if they were to look back, would they start to realize signs of his manipulation from their childhoods with their current perspective?

Everyone else

Shoutout to everyone I didn’t name. I love a lot of the characters in GANGSTA. and those who I don’t love, I still find interesting. But, my shoulders hurt so let’s end it here.

I'm... Done...

I feel like I could have picked apart the characters more, panel by panel, and there's stuff in GANGSTA: Cursed, but I had to stop somewhere.

I'm super happy that I finished catching up to this series on chapter 56. I loved the chapter as I've made abundantly clear already, and I can't wait to see how things shake out. So many questions I want answered!

Godspeed, my son.

If you’ve made it this far… you’re a real one 🫡

[murdersquazh]

I AM OFFICIALLY BACK ON TUMBLR AFTER A SHORT BREAK AND I'VE READ:

1. The Folk of Air trilogy by Holly Black

(YA Fantasy, slow burn romance, enemies to lovers, royalty etc)

2. Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

(LGBT romance, enemies to lovers, squad, family, royalty, etc)

3. The Shades of Magic trilogy by V.E. Schwab

(Adult Fantasy, royalty, friends to lovers, etc)

4. The Spanish Love Deception by Elena Armas

(Romance🌶, enemies to lovers *a recurring trope in my reading list at this point*, fake dating, slow burn, etc)

As much as I would like to give my opinions on these, I kinda read through them pretty quickly so I'm afraid I couldn't give a proper review and rating for every book. All I'm going to say is that I loved them all one way or another, more so for some, a little less for others. BUT I WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING AS A LITTLE TREAT.

AND THESE ARE MY VIEWS ON SOME OF THE CHARACTERS FROM THESE BOOKS:

The Folk of Air:

CARDAN- I cant with Book 1 Cardan even after reading the spin-off. BUT THEN. ACT II BOOK 1 AND BEYOND HAPPENED and now I love his whole drunken ass, pitch black, worm-eaten heart.

JUDE-GURL, THE POWER. That's it. That's Jude.

TARYN- *eye rolls*

LOCKE- saw it coming from a mile away. Just read how he's described in book 1

NICASIA- ngl, I honestly wanted more from her

MADOCK- if the Hulk decided to foster his dead mortal wife's kids, sure.

COURT OF SHADOWS- I 💚 Yall

VIVI- I need her energy. Or lack thereof

MOVING ON

Red, White and Royal Blue:

ALEX- MY SPIRIT ANIMAL. LOVE HIM.

HENRY- one half of my dream nerd bffs. LOVE HIM TOO.

JUNE- If I were gay, I'd have you. If I wasnt, I probably still would.

NORA- *Lowkey ships with June* other half of my dream nerd bffs.

BEA- Probably my favorite in the gang aside from the main couple

PEZ- I need him in my life. ASAP

MOMS= Q U E E N S

ZAHRA- MOOD

SHAAN- 👀

NEXT

The Shades of Magic:

KELL- very magical grumpy cat. A bit whiny but the story makes up for it.

LILA- I LOVE YOUUUU

RHY- I love the concept of his character sm and he kinda gave me inspiration for a story I'd like to write sometime.

ALUCARD- let's make it spicy. Minus spice. If u know what I mean *wiggles eyebrows*

HOLLAND- YOU FCKIN PLAYERRRR. I THOUGH YOU WERE 27 OR SMTH TT-TT. Overgrown emo boy. Love him. Pls.

AND LASTLY

The Spanish Love Deception:

AARON- Wanted Man. Like. Severely wanted. SOS.

CATALINA- I GOTCHU GIRL. STAY STRONG. SENDING HUGS TO ALL THE LINAS OUT THERE.

ISABEL- very true to life sisterhood *nods solemnly*

ROSIE- I needed more of herrrr :((

DANIEL- fuck you

GERALD- fuck you a thousand times over (a sequel)

ABUELA- the whole fandom

THAT'S IT. I HOPE YOU GUYS READ THESE BOOKS AND LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS I DID. FEEL FREE TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND RECOMMENDATIONS. These are just my humble opinions btw :)) please dont take them too seriously. Also sharing that I will finally read Tokyo Revengers next after riding a KnY high.

HAVE A GOOD DAY EVERYONE!!! HAPPY READING❣!!