#all the joey tree jokes

[dyingnerdyprude]

that stream gave us SO MUCH to be excited for, its truly insane how hyped i am for this show. i think this show has the potential to be one of their best, im seriously so pumped.

[joeys-babe]

Joey B Blurbs: Santa

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Summary: You and Joe decorate the Christmas tree with your little family.

Warnings: Sweet fluff, slight dirty talk, illusions to smut

Pairing: Joe Burrow x reader

Imagine universe: Into The Mystic

————————————————————————-

*December 1, 2023* - Before pregnancy is known

It was an off day for Joe, so now that I finally had my husband away from football, It was time to decorate the tree.

We’d spent the morning decorating the outside of the house, and the inside, so now all that was left was the tree.

He ‘engaged’ his ‘football muscles’ and got the Christmas decorations out of the garage, along with the tree.

Tyson and Miles stood so small next to the Christmas tree as they looked up at it in astonishment.

Though it was bare, it was enticing to them.

I forced Joe to put on his Christmas PJs from last year as I did the same. The boys had outgrown theirs, so we will get a new set this year for Christmas Eve.

“Do I look dumb?” - Joe

Since last year, Joe has gained significant muscle, and the shirt was practically wearing him. Though it was clear that he'd need a bigger size this year, he looked so hot.

“You look delicious.” - you ran your hands over his arms

“I feel like my chest is going to bust the shirt open.” - Joe grumbled

“Hopefully.” - you mumbled

“What was that?” - Joe smirked

“Nothing!” - you turned to run away

Before I could even get a foot away, Joe grabbed my arm and pulled me back into him. With a harsh smack on the ass, his lips attached to mine.

“You’re gonna find yourself on the naughty list, Mama.” - Joe grinned

“Gonna stuff my stocking with coal?” - you

“Oh, I’ll stuff your stocking with something.” - Joe

“Joseph Lee!” - you swatted at his chest

Joe’s hands remained on my ass as he gave me a hard squeeze. With a dirty grin on his lips, he leaned forward to kiss me, but the moment was ruined before he could.

“Mama!” - Miles yelled without taking his eyes off of the tree

After wiggling out of his grasp, I heard Joe groan out of annoyance as I walked away.

I flashed him a glare and he followed behind me into the living room.

“What's up, bub?” - you

“We help decorate?” - Tyson

“Of course, you guys can help me and Daddy decorate the tree!” - you

“Wait what-” - Joe

The boys cheered before running into the kitchen where the boxes of ornaments were.

“Baby, I bring the boxes in. That’s my part. I don't decorate.” - Joe

“Now you do.” - you smiled

“y/n…” - Joe

I walked towards him with a pleading look on my face.

“Please, Joey…” - you batted your eyelashes for extra measure

Joe narrowed his eyes at me before defeatedly sighing.

“Fine.” - Joe

“Yay! I love you.” - you

Leaning forward to kiss him, I was met with his finger stopping my lips.

“On one condition.” - Joe

“What?” - you

“I get to change out of these pajamas.” - Joe

“Absolutely not!” - you

“Why?” - Joe smiled

“Because you look sexy as hell.” - you smiled and traced his pecks with your finger

I watched him suck in a breath when I placed my hand on his lower stomach, dangerously close to his crotch.

“Okay, I'll keep ‘em on.” - Joe

“Thank you, my love.” - you kissed his cheek

“You’re really on the naughty list now.” - Joe

“Only Santa can decide that, Joe.” - You

“I think he's gonna pay you a visit later.” - Joe winked

I knew exactly what that meant. As a joke, a couple of years ago, I bought Joe a sexy Santa suit as a gag gift, but he ended up liking it.

Now, every December, it would get pulled out of the garage, and I’d be told I was on the ‘naughty list’.

——

An hour later, the ornaments were all on the tree, and all that was left was the star.

“I put it on?” - Tyson

“No, me!” - Miles

“You both can.” - Joe

I looked at him confused but he instructed me on how we'd get it done.

“You pick Miles up, I'll pick up Tyson. They can each have a hand on the star and put it on.” - Joe

“Good idea, babe!” - you

“Thank you.” - Joe jokingly took a bow

Moments later, we were lifting the boys in the air as they put the star on the tree.

“Good job, boys!” - you smiled as you and Joe put them back down

Joe and I laughed when Tyson and Miles did a celebratory high-five with each other.

“Okay, now it's bedtime.” - you

“No!!” - Tyson and Miles said in sync

“Aye, you guys don't say no to your mama. Let's go.” - Joe

I watched Joe lead the boys to the stairs before he turned back around and walked to me.

His arms wrapped around my waist as he whispered in my ear.

“I’ll be right back.” - Joe

——

Joe kept his promise and was back downstairs in ten short minutes, I was sitting on the couch watching the wood in the fireplace burn.

He had a sense of giddiness in his long strides to the garage.

A few minutes later he walked back into the living room in that Santa suit.

I couldn't help but giggle at his appearance. Flaming red pants with a matching jacket, no shirt on underneath as it was completely unbuttoned. The hat on top of his head and the grin on his face were the icing on the cake.

“Have you been a good girl this year?” - Joe

“I don't know Santa, you tell me.” - you grinned

Joe waltzed up to me, and the angle of him towering over me was so hot.

I ran my hand over his bare lower stomach before he plopped down onto the couch next to me.

“C’mere.” - Joe patted his thick thighs

Immediately doing his bidding and straddling his lap, Joe’s big hands found their places on my hips.

“What do you want for Christmas?” - Joe grinned

“For Santa to give me a nice kiss.” - you

A dirty grin formed on his lips as he leaned forward and pressed his lips onto mine.

If only you two knew about the pair of little eyes that were watching you, that had by now run back to his room.

When Tyson got back to the bedroom he immediately shook his twin brother awake.

“Miles.” - Tyson blabbered

“Hm?” - Miles

“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause.” - Tyson

————————————————————————-

Authors note: The ending was the OG idea and I just had to find a way to write something to include it. 💀

MERRY CHRISTMAS, to those that celebrate! I hope today is one of the best holidays ever… and this is my gift to you! 🫶

Hope you enjoyed! 💕

[joeybsversion]

Sunsets

Joe Burrow x Reader

You and Joe go on a first date

Joe hums softly to the loud music filling the locker room as he dries his hair with his towel. His phone vibrates on the counter, causing a quick break in the music as he was connected to the speakers. A smile instantly spreads across his face.

“Who’s texting you, Bro?” Ja’Marr peeks over his teammates shoulder. “Who ever it is has you smiling mad hard right now.” He laughed.

“It’s my date.” Joe sent off a quick text before directing his attention back to getting ready.

“Ooooh that’s right. Mystery girl and Joe have a date tonight.” Ja’Marr jokes.

“When are you gonna let us all in on who this girl is?” Sam makes his way over, joining the conversation.

“Probably never.” Joe gives them a big smile. “I know how you two act around girls. I don’t need any of that.” He laughs, giving his friends a hard time.

“I guess we’ll just have to crash his date then, won’t we, Ja’Marr?” Sam asks.

“No way. Absolutely not. I actually like this girl and I don’t need any funny business going on.” Joe shook his head.

“Our little Joey has a crush!” Ja’Marr teases, gaining a laugh from Sam.

Joe rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna be late.” He waves bye to the guys before throwing on his hoodie and heading out to his car.

On the other side of town, you were on the phone with your best friend.

“I’m so nervous.” You whined into the phone for what seemed like the 100th time.

“You’ll be fine! It’s just Joe.” She laughed, trying to reassure you again.

“Exactly. It’s Joe.” You laughed. “He just texted me, he’s on his way! I gotta go!” You quickly hung up the phone and finished getting ready.

You and Joe had been friends for a little under a year now. But over the past few weeks, you’ve really started to see as more than a friend. And tonight, he was taking you out.

Your neighbors dog barked outside, signaling someone was here. Your heart raced as you made your way outside, down the sidewalk, and into Joes car.

“Hey Joe.” You climbed in, pulling the seatbelt across your shoulder.

“Hey.” He smiled, checking his rear view mirror as he back down the drive. “Sorry I’m late. Practice ran a little long. But I have a fun night planned, so hopefully I can make it up to you with that.” His mouth was running a mile a minute, a sure sign that he was just as nervous as you are.

“What do you have planned for us?” You asked, looking over in his direction.

“It’s a surprise.” He looked over and smiled back.

You and Joe made small talk for the remainder of your drive, before he slowly pulled off the road and began following a twisting road through the trees.

“Here we are.” He put the car in park before looking over at you. “The top of the world.” He smiled.

“It’s beautiful up here.” You admired the view.

“Follow me.” He unbuckled and climbed out, heading towards the rear of the car, you following close behind. He opened the trunk of his SUV to display a full set up of blankets and pillows. “I thought we could watch the sunset.” He shrugged.

“Joe!” You exclaimed. “This is adorable.” You admired the set up, causing him to smile.

You both climbed in, getting comfy, his arm around your shoulder and your head resting on his.

“Before I forget,” he paused, sliding his pillow to the side pulling out a bottle of wine and 2 plastic cups. “Cheers.” He smiled, handing you a full cup and screwing the lid back onto the bottle.

“This is so perfect.” You assured him.

Suddenly you’re struck by the reality of what you’re doing here. Sitting here, spending time with Joe with so much time to waste. You glance his way and catch him staring.

“You’re not watching the sunset.” You said.

“No.”

You blush, your expression perplexed. “You love sunsets.”

“I love watching you more.” He pulls you and snuggles you closer to him, your head on his chest and your legs a tangled mess under the blankets. “Your cold.” His hand runs along the goosebumps on your arm.

“No, I’m ok.” You lie, trying not to shiver.

“Take this.” Joe slips his hoodie off, his shirt underneath rising with it, showing off his toned abs.

He helps you slide into his sweatshirt and bundles you into him. “That better?” He asks, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“Mhm.” You look up and smile, connecting your lips to his.

You stay snuggled together, sneaking kisses, laughing, and getting to know each other better for quite a while. Before either of you can even realize, the sun has dipped low beyond the horizon and it was getting late.

“I should probably get you home.” Joe says, jolting you awake from a soft sleep.

“Is it that time already?” You asked.

“Its getting dark.” He said, acting as though the sun had just gone down, when in reality, you both knew it had been dark for a while. Neither of you wanted the night to end.

Joe helped you from the trunk, following you around to the passenger side and helping you in.

“What a gentleman.” You tease as he closes your car door.

“Thanks for a fun night.” You interrupted the silence of the drive home.

“No problem.” Joe smiles over at you, one hand on the steering wheel, the other tracing imaginary shapes along your thigh. Clenching his jaw, he forced himself to keep his eyes on the road and not on the way that your shorts were hidden beneath the hem of his sweatshirt. “Keep it.”

“Hmm?” You questioned.

“My hoodie.” He cleared his throat, tightening his grip on the steering wheel to keep himself from doing something reckless. “Hang onto it.”

“Why?”

He could feel your eyes on him, causing his arms to breakout in goosebumps.

He shrugged. “Because it looks really fucking good on you.”

[fritz-federleicht]

You should do Corey, Joey, and Jim with reader who’s a model!

... with reader who's a model (Corey, Joey & Jim)

Words: 968

-----------------------------------------------

Corey:

- you remember many years ago when the first headline came up: Model Y/N and singer Corey Taylor a couple?

- that was the first time you were photographed together, Corey grinning and holding your hand while you laughed at one of his jokes

- he accompanied you to your apartment

- after that there were more and more rumors, positive and negative. Whereby it was more negative against Corey

- there were articles about your relationship. Why is a model like you with a bad boy like Corey Taylor? Or what do you see in him? Your relationship was not official yet

- you were not too famous as a model. You got jobs you liked to do. But there was one person you liked modeling for the most. And you do it over and over again. For Corey... well actually Slipknot. At some point he asked you if you could model for the store. Of course you didn't hesitate and said yes right away. Since then you model for every new collection

- when people suddenly saw you on the website it was clear that you and Corey are a couple. You officially confirmed your relationship

- all the attention didn't hurt you no. On the contrary. You got more jobs for designers that never considered you before

- whenever possible Corey accompanies you to fashion shows, sits in the audience and looks at you in love

- part of all the headlines were true. Corey was a bad boy. That's how you came to know and love him. But he quickly changed, became calmer and more relaxed because he finally had the love of his life with him

- eventually, all the headlines about you guys died down. The next ones were years later when you got married and later had your first child

- despite the fact that you are often far away from each other your relationship has lasted over the years and you are happy together

- Slipknot fans only know you as a couple

Joey:

- It is unusual to have a metal band as a guest at a fashion show, this night was probably the first time ever (maybe just because you begged the promoter to invite Joey)

- Slipknot is standing in front of the building, masks on and giving interviews

- you just wanted to check if they are already there, Joey sees you out of the corner of his eye and grins proudly under his mask

- next to him is Shawn answering a reporter's question

- you can't help it. You scurry to Joey and kiss the cheek of his mask, you can literally feel his smile

- as quickly as you came you are gone, the reporter and Shawn look confused. "Was that Y/N?"

- later the show starts, you look like a decorated Christmas tree

- you are supposed to end the show with your walk

- when it's finally time, you step onto the catwalk

- all nine members are sitting in the front row, Joey is sitting at the head

- it looks a bit funny, the men are sitting there bored in suits and masks

- when they see you they straighten up in their seats and watch your performance

- you pose at the end of the runway and turn around, wink at your boyfriend and disappear behind the wall

- Joey is speechless. How can you move so gracefully and seductively at the same time?

- Chris leans toward Joey, the long nose of his mask touching Joey's shoulder. He whispers. "You're really lucky." He pats your boyfriend's shoulder appreciatively

- after the show, pictures are taken with the models. Slipknot comes up to you immediately. They congratulate you on the successful performance

- Joey puts his arm around you. "You were wonderful honey."

- the photographer comes to your group and asks if he can take pictures, you agree

- Joey pulls you to his chest, the other members stand next to your sides like bodyguards

- days later the pictures appear in different fashion magazines, you find the strong contrast between your colorful outfit and the black suits funny

- in the future Joey accompanies you whenever he can

Jim:

- he really tries to be at every photo shoot or fashion show, to support you

- in the beginning he was not liked by the photographers because... well he is in Slipknot. But once they get to know him they find him quite nice. What should he do? Yell at everyone for no reason and destroy everything?

- when you're elegantly lolling in front of the camera he cheers you on, says things like "You look fantastic babe."

- in the breaks he comes to you immediately, asks if you are well, if you have eaten and drunk enough

- sometimes it happens that you model in your underwear, which Jim likes the most

- when you come out of the dressing room and are perfectly made up, he stands there with his mouth open

- when he first saw you like this, he came to you and said softly in your ear. "I think I'm in heaven. I just saw an angel."

- you slap his arm laughing, you've never heard such a corny line from his mouth before

- today he just stares at you, when you stand in front of a white wall and the light caresses you perfectly, nothing makes him happier than to see you like this

- when he then sees the resulting pictures... according to him they should be 'forbidden', no one else should get to see something like that except him...

- Jim keeps all the articles and pictures about you, he says he wants to show them to your kids later so they know how beautiful you are, but you know he just keeps them so he always has something of you with him on tour

[pinpurin]

NINTENDHOE

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 1610! Miles morales x reader

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ hc of playing acnh with miles bc I miss playing it

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ gag worthy fluff tbh, I need me a bf like miles

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ header by pastelwalks

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ tbh he probably played before u two had gotten together but let’s pretend he didn’t rn

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ miles most definitely questions everything about the game

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷”why are we the only human??” “Why is the place being ran by a racoon?” “Who is this random otter in the ocean??”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷miles shaking trees and getting stung by wasp. After you told him that a villager can give him medicine he went up to one and they called him ugly LMFAO.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ I feel as if miles wouldn’t be picky when it comes to villagers, he loves all of them

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ skips all of blathers dialogue. “He talks to much” 😭

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷but because of blathers he remembers so many facts about dinosaurs, bugs and fish. He even recites them if he see it in public

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ “that’s a paper kite butterfly” “ I don’t now wether to write on it, fly it or spread it on toast”

“…what..”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ He isn’t really into the whole “selling villagers thing” and when he finds out you put your villagers up for sale on discord he judges so hard😭😭

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ “wdym your putting Moe up for sale???” “Miles he’s a ugly version of Tom, I don’t like him” “but FOR SALE??? That’s sounds like human trafficking”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ I feel like the villagers miles would like would be Dobie and Joey, don’t ask why they’re just adorable.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ now back to the actual game, miles would have BEEF with Tom nook (just like the rest of us)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷” baby why do I have to pay a phone bill fee, he OFFERED the phone to me”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷imagine the first time he shoots down a ballon and it goes in the water LMFAO

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ when he has to build the nooks cranny alone, he would be so shocked at the amount of material he needs

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷”30?? 30 iron nuggets?? How am I supposed to get 30 iron nuggets if the rock only gives me two???”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ you start to treat him like he’s your sugar baby, giving him iron, regular wood (bc that shit is hard to get for no reason), flowers,literally anything

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷”hey baby, why’d you want to come to my island?? What are you dropping?? Is that MONEY, WHY ARE YOU DROPPING THOUSANDS OF BELLS??”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ he always says he’s gonna pay u back but you decline ofc

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ miles gets mad when he gets a sea bass for the 90th time so you offer for him to fish on your island only for him to get another see bass

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷” I got ANOTHER SEA BASS? If I hear this joke one more time I’ll start crying. “Baby here you try” *you pull a sunfish* *angry stare in disbelief*

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ he gets a little aggressive with Isabelle when she is trying to help the island get up to 3 stars and he keeps getting told “plant more flowers”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ now he gets 3 stars right, he’s fucking EXCITED like it took so long and he finally got it

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ miles fav k.k songs are kk crusin, kk surfin and kk western.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ I don’t think he has a theme going on, just kinda goes w the flow but loves watch island tours on YouTube

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷miles coming over to your island just to see you beating the hell out of a villager with your net and calling them names

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷”mi vida…. Why are you torturing them?..” “I want him to leave”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ most definitely has you design a Spider-Man costume for his character

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ I truly don’t know what his favorite season would even be, like idk I get spring vibes but it could be anything

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ having miles come to your island to catch the spiders that are harassing you. (I’m being so fr, the spiders scare me so much, if I see one I’m closing the whole game).

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ he WORSHIPS your island, like he loves it always praising you about it just UGH 😩 I LOVE HIM

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷” Amor??? Your island is so good, what?? How long did this even take?, you’re so talented I swear” “uhhhh haha it’s not that good” “ baby it’s AMAZING”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ acnh dates where Celeste is at your island and you both make wishes

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ “you know… my only wish is to be with you forever” “miles, you are so corny….I love you” “I love you to mi alma”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ spending the holidays together in acnh, like him wrapping up a gift for you during Christmas and you both exchanging them 😭😭 adorable

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ telling miles all of your island drama bc he swears yours is more entertaining

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ “omg baby, literally Raymond and Judy got into a fight the other day arguing about who’s better looking and Raymond said it was obviously him, so he was basically calling Judy ugly. THEN they had the audacity to ask me who looked better. “Whatttttt😮”

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ he loves the game truly, he plays with you whenever you ask. He just got out the shower but you wanna play? let him hurry and put clothes on and he’s yours. Just got done patrolling after a long day but you wanna play? How could ever deny you with a face like yours?

I literally love this sm, I might have to make another one with 42!miles and another with the twins 🤔🤔🤔 let me know if y’all want that bc I’ll have it done,

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

🪓 Nerdy Prudes Must Die - Some Thoughts 🪓

I decided to rewatch NPMD (second day in a row 🙈) and wanted to write down some random thoughts and reactions because why the fuck not 😌

‼️ SPOILERS FOR NPMD BELOW ‼️

I loved this show from the second it started omg I love things about murder 🤭

“Riiiiichie… Riiiiiichie…” — kind of gave off IT vibes ngl

They really killed off Jon Matteson’s nerd character in the first 35 seconds 💀

“They twisted his nipples off 🤣” - WHY WAS HE SO HAPPY ABOUT IT

THE PROJECTION OF THE TITLE IN THE VICTIM’S BLOOD, STARKID HAD HELLA BUDGET FOR THIS SHOW 🙌🏻

“🎵I’m dead…the blood is arbitrating from my head🎵” needs to become a trending TikTok sound or something oh my fucking gOD

LAUREN YOU QUEEN 🙌🏻👏🏻 also living for that fucking wig

MARIAHHHHHHH 🎵❤️

Definitely felt the “High School is Killin’ Me” “I’m so fucking dead” in my soul even though I’m a full ass adult now

“I was deep in a Twitter fight about a problematic puppy” ROFL OMFG

Joey as Peter Spankoffski 😭👏🏻

ANGELA AS GRACE CHASITY HELL FUCKIN YEAH SHE IS EATING THIS PART UP

We all knew someone at school who snitched to the teachers lbh 💀

“So you don’t wanna be bullied?” “No, I wanna be invisible.” “…then why do you come to public school dressed in suspenders and a fucking bow tie?” - PLEAAAASE 💀🤣

MICRO-PETER 😂💀

Joey taking off his glasses and going “oh god” under his breath, “IT’S NOT ACTUALLY A MICROPENIS”… oh he ATE the role, R*bert who?!?

“My titties are tenderised” - I MEAN SAME BUT-?!?

“I didn’t know you were funny.” “Neither did I.” “I like funny guys.” — I AM SORRY BUT IM ALREADY SHIPPING HARD

Actually obsessed with Richie’s hair and outfit like I can’t explain it other than I’m obsessed

IT’S MAX JÄGERMAN

“Ohh well there’s a difference between intent and impact - I learnt that at an anti bullying assembly last month, FUCK NUGGET” took me off guard tbh like I know I’m tired and easily surprised but still 🤭

GRACE CHASITY PROTESTING THE CO-ED HOMECOMING DANCE I CANNOT-

Jägerman is literally the archetype of the school bully jock who peaked in high school like omg but also he’s into Grace?!?!

“I run laps in the gym and I don’t want to slip on any SPUNK” - FUCKING HELL

“Can I carry your books for you?” “Carry my books? 🤢 I don’t think either of us are ready for that, I mean we’re only 18!”

“My little dirty girl.” — 😳😲😮‍💨

“I am only one man’s girl, Max, and his name is Jesus Christ!” — IM FUCKING HOWLING ANGELA KILLED THE DELIVERY OF THAT LINE I CANT-

“I’m a literal monster!” - oh so Max is self aware then 🤔

“This is politics, Stephanie 🙄 learn to multitask!”

I love that Starkid keep casting Corey as Mariah’s dad?!?

Stephanie is apparently her father’s “October surprise”… so her birthday is in October, like Hannah Foster’s? 🤔

“Stephanie, please, I’d like to have an intelligent conversation with you - in other words, shut up” - DAMN WHAT A BURN

NOOO NOT HER PHONE 😰 (I am also addicted to my phone so I get it lol)

NOT STEPHANIE THROWING HER HAND BETWEEN HER PHONE AND THE HAMMER OMFG (same though)

Mayor Lauter really said “I don’t give a shit if you lie, steal or cheat to get your grades up, just don’t get caught” - spoken like a true politician

“How am I supposed to study without listening to Spotify?!?” probably should not have resonated with me like it did 🤭

Peter trying to make a joke and Richie and Ruth not getting it is so relatable tbh

I’m obsessed with Ruth’s mushroom jumper tbh

“I just want someone to touch me… anyone, PLEASE” — ROFL (same girl)

“What was it like when she touched your arm?… DID YOU CUM?!?” — 💀💀💀💀

“You and Steph, it’s a fantasy - like a boy and his anime love pillows. It’s a beautiful dream, but I’ll never hold the real Rei or Asuka in my arms.” — I AM PISSING MYSELF LAUGHING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

“I’m such a loser, telemarketers hang up on me” 💀😭

DID RICHIE JUST FUCKING SAY “NANI!” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I CANT DEAL WITH THIS SHOW 🤣

Richie and Ruth climbing Pete like a tree and demanding to know what Stephanie is saying is so ridiculously funny 😆

“Really, Ruth? A Star Wars analogy? Need I go into why Attack on Titan is superior in every possible way?” — STARKID UNDERSTAND THE NERDS I LOVE IT

“You’re telling me I gotta be funny again?!? I didn’t do it on purpose the first time!”

“Pete, you’ve been given a once in a lifetime opportunity - someone’s willing to tolerate your presence for a whole evening! This may never happen again!” — damn wish that would happen to me 😭🙈

Not Pete getting a boner during “Cool as I think I am” 🙈

Nooooo not Max finding Pete before he could go into the restaurant to meet Stephanie 😭

“I’m sick of your ssshhhhit!” — YES PETEY STAND UP TO HIM

The fact Max said “Rendezvous” as “Randay-Voose” 💀

The way it transitioned from “say your prayers” to the Chasity family going “AMEN” was PERFECTION

Grace’s father referring to his wife as “mother” is…something 💀

“He came up to me in the hallway and he asked if he could carry my books.” “Oh, Mark - I didn’t know that sort of thing happened at Hatchetfield High! Do you think you should call the boy’s father?” — ?!?!?!

“Mom, will you pass the butt stuff? The butter. Butter. Will you pass the butter? (Chuckles nervously) I just want some head and butter. BREAD! Bread! Bread and butt-sex to go with this big shaft of meat I’m gonna choke down. Oh boy…oh criminy!” - THE SCREECH I GAVE WAS UNHOLY

“I’ve just got some butterflies in my tummy; and they’re flying REAL low today” 😭💀🙈

GRACE FANTASISING ABOUT MAX IN THE BATH I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

“Brewing up a big ol’ pot of dirty girl soup” - ABSOLUTELY NOT 💀

HES FUCKING SHIRTLESS WHAT THE FUCK-

“Everyone’s got their secrets, and this one’s mine. I love… Jesus! 😃” - this was when I definitely knew she was fantasising because ain’t no fucking way-

WAS THE DIRTY GIRL SONG SUPPOSED TO BE VIEWED AS HOT BECAUSE I AM VERY FLUSTERED AND CONFUSED AND TOTALLY VIBING WITH THE TUNE

🎵 DIRTY DIRTY GIRL WON’T YOU PRAY FOR ME🎵

You see, if Christian parents didn’t repress their teenager’s hormones and sexuality then MAYBE their teenagers wouldn’t resort to murder 🙃

Grace’s dad saying he’s going to get the plunger when she said she was doing a big poop 😭💀

Grace really thinks that impure thoughts only happen after marriage and I almost envy her innocence

“Money isn’t everything… looks are.” - yeah no that about sums people up in this day and age 😑

“We thought you were waifu material, but you’re just a bully” — NOT WAIFU MATERIAL 💀

PETE’S BLACK EYE NOOOO 😭🥺

Grace is kind of a psychopath and I’m loving that for her tbh

“I’m not comfortable with the plan if it involves that kind of language” but she’s comfortable with filming someone getting terrified and pissing their pants 💀

The “the place is not structurally sound” comment was DEFINITELY foreshadowing

“I get pus in my pits!” Jesus ☠️

🎵🤌🏻we’re gonna bully the bully🤌🏻🎵

“We’re gonna cut off his nips!” - what is with the obsession with n!pples in this show 😳

I’M SORRY BUT THIS IS ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WHEN THEY TALKED ABOUT KEEPING THE BEANS COOL

“You’re like super nice to me 😀” “…not really. I’m just doing the bare minimum here.” “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.” “Oh, that’s sad!” — 😂😅🤣

“Okay, Richie, be honest… Am I reading as ghost or Lin Manuel Miranda” — OH FUCKING GOD IM CACKLING

“You kinda look like that homeless guy from downtown” 💀 FOURTH WALL BREAK?!?

Max must be VERY drunk because ain’t no way he thought Pete was a ghost or Ruth was actually a skeleton 💀

“Grace, we gotta abort the plan, it’s not working!” “It’s working for me, he’s so violent! 😍”

Not Max actually being touched by them putting this whole thing together for him 💀 very much giving off himbo vibes and I love him for that

MAX FELL THREE STOREYS

Oh my GOD THE FUCKING MAKE UP ON MAX FOR HIS DEATH SCENE HOLY SHIT

“NERDY! PRUDES! MUST! DIE!” — oh hey it’s the name of the show! 😃 And also it was written on the wall in… oh 😳

“I did get a lot of incriminating footage of us luring him here with malicious intent!” - uh oh

“My god! We’re going to jail! And with my luck, no one will even bother making me their bitch!” — PLEASE 💀

“It wasn’t murder, and it wasn’t an accident… it was an act of God! 😇” - Grace is UNHINGED

“No more tickling in our mommy spots!” - OUR WHAT SPOTS?!?

“🎵🤌🏻 We’re gonna bury the body! 🤌🏻🎵”

“Oh no she’s snapping again”

“I just cut off his nips 😌” - again with the nips?!?

DAN AND DONNA 😃😃😃

“Two weeks of heartache” - cut to all of his classmates happy without his influence 💀

STEPH PASSED THE TEST! 😃

“Ya know, this is really your C+.” “Oh Steph… you can keep it. It’d really bring down my GPA.”

Steph asking Pete out to the football game 🥹😁 we love to see it!

GO GO NIGHTHAWKS! 😃🦅 (I know it’s an eagle emoji there’s no hawk emoji 🙈)

“N, I-G, H-T… *squawk squawk* Ks!” 👏🏻🙌🏻

Richie is the team mascot and they wanted/needed him in the huddle 🥹

They apologised for bullying him 😭👏🏻

“And we’d like to apologise in advance for if Max ever comes back, ‘cause we’ll probably go right back to doing it”

“Fuck Clivesdale! Fuck ‘em straight to hell! Assholes!” — AGREED! 👏🏻

I’m 90% sure Jon actually struggled with taking that mascot top off but it worked well with the scene so 😌

“I love being alive! 😃” — oh he’s so about to fucking die, isn’t he?

IT’S MAX CALLING FOR RICHIE HES BACK FROM THE DEAD

MAX’S COSTUME/MAKE UP IS AMAZING OH MY GOD 😌💅🏻

“Should’ve joined the smoke club you nerdy prude” — ANOTHER SMOKE CLUB REFERENCE

Every song on this soundtrack fucking slaps I LOVE IT

There’s not very many men that can pull off being absolutely absolutely fucking terrifying while dancing and singing across the stage but Will Branner managed it so kudos to him

The bit where Richie was repeating what Max said (“who will pray for me? When I’m gone?”) was INSANELY GOOD

“What did they find? You don’t say…you don’t say!” “What’d they find, dad?” “They didn’t say” - 💀

“Oh heck… I’m so hecking fudged”

“*relieved* Oh well we don’t know anything about that one!” “Or ANY one!”

“Maybe it’s a coincidence. People tell me to die every day!” — Okay why is Ruth kind of me 😭

THE FUCKING CAMEOS IN “HATCHET TOWN” ASDFGHJKL?!?! ZIGGY?! MAN IN A HURRY?!? GERALD MONROE?!?

“Ohhh I remember before the lockdown” - yeah me too 😅

THE BARBECUE MONOLOGUES GOT ME HOLLERING 💀

Ruth walking onto the stage and into the spotlight 🥺 literally she was me this whole scene omg I relate so hard to most of what she said ASDFGHJKL

Lauren ATE that song up by the way

MAX KILLED HER BY WEDGIE-ING HER IN TWO AND THEN PUT THE PANTS OVER HER HEAD WHAT THE FUCK MAX 😭

Him telling her to “project” so those in the back row could hear her triggered me so bad as an actor omg 😳

Grace really accusing the entirety of Clivesdale 💀

As soon as the WWJD bracelet was brought up I KNEW what was going on 😭

“Who’s plan was it, Grace?” “It was God’s plan! And now he’s leaving me out to dry! Do something, you son of a bitch!” 💀😅🤣

Grace has lost her fucking SHIT and I fully support that for her

“Show Me Your Hands” musical refrain?!

BEANIES?!? PAUL AND EMMA?!? 😭😭😭 ITS FUCKING PAUL AND EMMA I CANNOT-

“Cup of roasted coffee” refrain too?!?

PAUL GAVE EMMA HIS NUMBER 😭❤️

PAUL + EMMA IN EVERY SINGLE TIMELINE, EVERY SINGLE UNIVERSE-

“EXCUSE ME I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE FIVE FUCKING YEARS AND I STILL HAVE NOT RECIEVED MY GODDAMN HOT CHOCOLATE” 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀😂😂😂😂😂 I FUCKKING CANT IM DONE

🎵”Don’t need a lover boy need a lover man / sure I’m a sapiosexual and you’re intellectual but I’ll cut my lover losses when I can” 🎵 — this song goes so hard omg

Grace pushing between them and shouting “leave room for Jesus!” 💀

“Do we need to get ahold of Ruth?” “Good luck getting ahold of her. Does your phone pls cover calls to hell?” “…Hell?” “She’s bisexual and dead, where else would she be?!?” — 💀

Grace whipping out the gun and telling Steph to cool her beans was so iconic of her

“(Canadian accent) ‘Cause if I’m going down, you hosers comin’ with me, eh” — OH MY FUCKING GOD

Doesn’t shock me a cop would arrest Paul for zero fucking reason, fuck the police 💀

“All I wanted was to be a regular girl with no sexual desire until she was safely married 😭” the FUCK-

“Don’t comfort her, she’s fuckin’ weird” 💀

“I don’t give a shit who you kill - but you just had to go and do it in that house, didn’t you?” — Mayor Lauter really said “murder is fine but NOT in that specific house, you fucking idiots”

THE LORDS IN BLACK?!? 😃 WIGGLY AND BLINKY AND POKEY AND NIBBLY AND TINKY?!?!? FUCK YEAAAAHH

“She gave me head in her car - check it out!” *throws Miss Tessburger’s head onstage* — BRO THE FUCK

WELP I GUESS MAYOR LAUTER IS DEAD THEN?!?

“Detective Shapiro, are you a woman of faith?” “Catholic.” “I’ll take that as a no” — THE FUCK GRACE 😑

They’re really about to summon five otherworldly entities who are evil I’m-

The Summoning screams CRACK and I’m living for it

“Hello Fwendy-Wends” - SCREAMING LITERALLY FUCKING SCREAMING

“WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR PHONE” TOOK ME OUT ASDFGHJKL

SHE CHERISHES PETE 😭

“Pay the price or fuck off” 💀

Can I just say that I need would love a show specifically just about the Lords in Black fucking about and it’s Jon the whole time as Wiggly exactly as he was during the Summoning scene because that was AMAZING IM SHAKING-

The fact Pete cherishes Steph and she cherishes him oh my hEART 😭

“Hey Steph, if things were different, would you wanna come to homecoming with me?” “I’d like that, Pete. I’d really like that.” - SHUT THE FUCK UP NO 😭😭😭

Not Max saving Pete from being shot 💀

“So you do know the Bible!” — GRACE OMG IM SCREECHING HELP

“But Jesus never threw a football like you, Max” - WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

Max being confused about what dirty girl soup is and then being turned on when she explains 😭💀

“Take me, Max, right here on the 50 yard line!” — oh dear gOD

Max’s struggle over whether to kill Steph and Pete or whether to bang Grace omfg 😭😅

THE NOISES OFF STAGE OMFG WTAF 😭💀😂😅🤣

Grace got Max kicking his feet, twirling his hair, after one shag, just like a teenage girl 💀 I’m crying so hard with laughter I can’t cope with it-

GRACE GAVE HIM HER CHASTITY AND SACRIFICED WHAT SHE CHERISHED MOST ASDFGHJKL

PETE AND STEPHANIE AT HOMECOMING TOGETHER ASDFGHJKL ✨T H E M ✨

Grace choosing not to get the dance cancelled and she brought a date?!? That’s character development! 😀

She let Jason walk her home?!? O_o and then asked him to kiss her?!?!

“That was… absolutely disgusting! Really, Jason?!? Kissing on the first date?!?” Oh noooo 💀

“You’re a dirty perv, Jason”

SHES GOT THE FUCKING BLACK BOOK IS SHE SUMMONING THEM AGAIN

🎵DIRTY DUDES MUST DIE🎵

Well thIS TOOK A FUCKING TURN DAMN

Anyway, 11/10, immaculate, amazing, incredible, show-stopping, would recommend to everyone of course and will definitely be rewatching it a LOT 🪓

[whumpshaped]

feeling for joel on this fine evening. cannot imagine losing your lifetime best friend to another’s selfish desires

this. ur so right. ur so absolutely right.

masterlist

tw emotional whump, losing family, perceived death/abduction

Neither of them spoke. Both of them had too much and nothing to say at the same time; they were full of self-blame, told-you-sos, sorrow, and grief, filled to the brim with tears they felt too guilty to shed.

"I should've known when he asked for the jewellery," his mother said quietly, choked up and barely there.

"He insisted," Joey breathed. "He insisted everything was fine."

He was staring at the empty apartment, a little part of him still hoping it wasn't a kidnapping after all. Maybe Beck left of his own volition; packed up, moved in with the vampire. Maybe he could still go to the mansion and break him out during the day, maybe he could bring him home and help him recover.

He should've come home sooner. He should've taken care of Beck. He should've ignored his cries of 'it's all fine, it's all fine, I'm just tired, don't visit right now'. They were both too caught up in trying to trust and believe him, to give him his space. He should've known better.

"I'm going to the mansion tomorrow," he exclaimed, and his mother spun around and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"You're not going anywhere near that place! Are you out of your mind? I just lost Beck! I just lost my son! I'm not losing my other son too!

"But maybe he's alive! Maybe he's just– enthralled! I could get him out!"

"No, you couldn't!" Her grip tightened, and she looked more determined than Joey had ever seen her. "You couldn't. But there are people who stand a chance. I'm not giving up on Beck, and I'm not asking you to give up either. I'm asking you to at least give me a month to mourn before you run into your death. Please."

Joey chuckled a little at the absurdity of the request, then wiped some of his tears away and hugged her. She hugged back, and for a moment he felt comforted and protected, as though he was just a little kid again, waiting outside Beck's hospital room. Except this time the threat wasn't a broken wrist that would go away in six weeks. It was a vampire. A dangerous, disgusting, violent, murderous thing.

"G-good, because I was scared to go anyway," he sobbed, failing to make it sound like a silly joke instead of the honest admission it was. "But I will, if the hunters fail. I will. I need– I need to..."

"Shh..." She rubbed soothing circles into his back that only made him cry harder. He could hear her sniffling too. She wasn't invincible, not when it came to family, and the fact that she was still forced to act as an emotional rock for her adult son made Joey want to jump off a cliff. He should've been handling this way better. But how did one handle his brother being gone — possibly kidnapped, possibly dead — appropriately? "He must be okay. He must've left on his own two feet. He even brought Boba, yeah? Maybe he's not in his right mind, but he's alive. We'll get him back."

"We will," he said desperately. "We have to. I don't– I don't think I can handle not getting him back."

~

taglist: @whumpsday @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @delicateprincepaper @whumppmuhw @florissimps @nicolepascaline @oliversrarebooks @the-cyrulik @pirefyrelight @there-will-always-be-blood @pigeonwhumps @echo-goes-mmm @whumpycries @morning-star-whump @d-cs @watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees @tauntedoctopuses @blueyellow8green @typewrittenfangs @whumpsoda

[minecraftbookshelf]

After the End: Joke Edition (Dark Humor)

Fully Angsty Version HERE

-

The wall disappeared.

fWhip isn't exactly sure when it disappeared, he thinks he might have dozed off, tucked in among the scattered blocks and between the gravestones of his friends.

But at some point the wall disappeared and the rain cleared and fWhip woke up to sunshine and blue skies in an empty world.

A few of the animals are still wandering around. One of Sausage's blood sheep is off in the distant trees and the chickens seem altogether unbothered by recent events. Mooshy is peacefully gracing off towards the Winchester. fWhip just stands there, wet jacket, wet pants, wet shoes, and, worst of all, wet socks, and stares up at the messy, frantic stacks of blocks made by a bunch of players like rats in a trap. Fish in a barrel.

The tombstones around him pulse, the purple beacon-like light shooting off into the air, before it fades away again.

Katherine's stone-carved face stares judgily back at him.

Spawn is a mess.

He starts with Kathrine's dirt shelter at the opening of the spawn courtyard. It's easy to take down. Then he gets to work. It takes a few hours, chipping away at the different materials placed in a panic.

He clears up his own pillar of diamond blocks, and Scott's stone one beside it. Mog's gravestone watches.

Dirt and wool and diamond ore and iron blocks and the mis-matched contents of a near-dozen inventories.

Eventually, finally, it is done. The only things left are the shattered remains of the floating obelisk that had been there since they first set foot on the server and the silent witnesses. Shubble and Katherine and Eloise and Owen and Pix on the ground, Mog's so high he can barely see it and, somewhere above it all, out of sight, Scott.

Scott who had looked him in the eyes and flown up into the storm rather than stay.

He wanders back towards the Winchester, walking under Sausage's tombstone and refusing to look towards Oli's. He gives Mooshy a pet on the nose as the passes and trudges up the stairs. Shubble's charged creeper head is still on the noteblock inside.

He sits on the porch.

The sun sinks, and sets, and rises, and still he sits.

It's almost midday when he hears the sound of rockets overhead.

It's not curiosity that drives him to his feet, its something much more numb than that.

They're at spawn, the person who flew in. He can hear them talking to themself before he makes it to the top of the stairs.

One more step and he's able to see.

"fWhip!" Joey bounces away from the graves and towards him. "Everyone else is dead, we won!"

He throws an arm over fWhip's shoulder, beaming directly in his face. fWhip squints back.

"It's just you and me, together forever!"

Joey chatters on, listing plans for ways to remember everyone and about how at least nothing was damaged and fWhip peers up at the sky, towards where he knows Scott's gravestone is.

Maybe he was onto something with that one.

-

AO3 link in the notes

[wedgie-stories]

Pt. 1 It’s a cool Halloween day with leaves turning and falling off trees. Christian, Joey, and Kyle are sitting in their last class of the day talking about the costume party that they’re going to. Christian tells the guys just to run to their places and grab their costumes and coke hangout at his place till they go.

Joey then began talking about his pirate costume he got to wear and asking them if the eye patch would be too dorky to wear. The other two told him to bring and when they get ready they’ll see. Kyle in a loud voice was telling them how he messed up his boxer costume! He tells them his shorts he ordered came in last night but he didn’t realize they were tear away shorts. The other guys asked him in a puzzled expression, what are tear away shorts? They are shorts that have buttons on both sides that hold the front and back together. They both tell him that it will be fine and he agreed since he didn’t have time to get another pair in time. Christian told the other guys they could have just did something simple like him. I only have two pieces, my hood and spidey suit! Christian said. A few minutes later the bell rang dismissing them, Christian told the guys to go home get their stuff and head over.

As Christian was walking home he approached his house and saw that his mom added more decorations outside. His mother was obsessed with Halloween and spooky season. He walked up the sidewalk to his front door when his mother jumped out and startled him. Christian agitated with his mom said you have got to stop doing that, I almost peed myself. She just laughed and said honey you like the new decorations? Christian looked at a group of five skeletons just wearing a red and white letterman’s. Oh real scary mom, what are they gonna do steal my lunch money?! She giggled and said I got them because they were cute. I also got these three scarecrows but will have to wait till next year for the poles to be put in the ground. They both walked inside his mom asking how his day was and small talk. As they entered the living on the coffee table was an old looking leather book. She says OH LOOK at this, she exclaims! Christian looks at the book and says what is it. She says I have no idea but it looks cool and creepy. She tells him not to look at it because the writing on the pages look superstitious.

After about and hour goes past, the doorbell rings and he goes down to get it and Kyle and Joey are there. About time you guys got here, Christian exclaimed. At the same time Christian’s mom was coming down in her overly magnificent which costume. She greeted the other two boys. She looked at Christian and told him she was leaving for her party and that they better behave. As she began to walk away and if y’all aren’t I’ll put a spell on you. Christian rolled his eyes at his mom’s corny joke.

The guys walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. They began watching YouTube videos trying to kill time. Until Joey noticed the old book on the coffee table. He grabbed it and Christian told him to be careful that his mom just got it. He proceeded to tell them about how his mom is superstitious and doesn’t want him opening. Joey looked at him and said sounds like you are scared. Christian said no I’m not and grabbed the book. He opened it up to a random page and it says “Possessus Objectum” he began reading the page out loud to his friends. As he finished reading the lights shutoff and back on making them jump. Christian a little freaked out said “okay guys I think it’s time to get ready.” They all are getting ready when there’s a knock at the door. Kyle was already done changing since he just had to change his pants. He walked over to the door thinking it was some trick or treaters super early. Kyle opened the door and what he saw is something he didn’t expect. It was the five skeletons from the front yard but they were alive! Kyle let out girlish scream and turned to run. As he was running he turned the corner to go up the stairs. As he did one of the skeletons reached out and got a fist full of his shorts. Kyle kept running up the stairs but as he did he ran right out of his shorts due to the tear away buttons. He continued to Christian’s room. He barged into the room Christian with his spidey suit only pulled up just past his waist said what the hell man ever heard of knocking, where’s your pants, and cute little undies are you 5. Kyle looked at him and said ghost are after me. Christian laughed and walked over holding ups his costume so it didn’t fall to the ground to the door. Kyle said don’t do it and Christian opened it up and saw the skeletons, before he could do anything one reached and grabbed him by the throat. Christian in shock grabbed the skeleton’s arm trying to break out of the hold, but when he did that the moving of trying to get free caused his costume to slid to his ankles leaving his American Eagle briefs on display. The skeletons began laughing at the two boys, by that time the bathroom door across the hall opened up and Joey saw what was taking place. He attempted to slam the door shut but before he could one of the skeletons caught the door and pushed he was in grabbing the other boy. They drug all the boys down to the living room together. One of the skeletons looked at Christian and told him I’m here to steal your lunch money nerd. Christian looking at him said what are you talking about. The skeleton said I heard what you said about us being scary! Christian said I was just joking with my mom. The main skeleton laughed oh it was just joke,well we will leave you be. Christian still freaked out about the situation nervously laughing said really. The skeleton said no, we’re gonna hangout all night scaring people starting with you all. The skeleton looked at them all and said something seems to be off here, don’t you think guys one skeleton says to the others. They all chuckled and agreed. The main skeleton looked at Joey and Kyle and told them they they’re going to need their clothes. Joey said absolutely not happening. The skeleton pointed at Joey and nodded. One of the other skeletons grabbed him with his super strength and drugged him off down the hallway. The other boys could hear him protest yelling no no no then heard a toilet flush. A few seconds later the skeleton came out dragging Joey and threw him back on the couch. The main skeleton looked at the two and said we are gonna need your clothes. Kyle terrified of getting a swirly immediately took off his hat, jacket, and t-shirt so he was in just his little white briefs with cartoons on it. Next was Joey he slowly stripped off his pirate costume right down to his fruit of the loom tighty whities. The skeleton look at the others and said look at these dweebs and their pathetic nerdy underwear. The skeleton looked at two of them and told them to prepare the decorations. Two of the skeletons walked out the front door.

[paceypeternathanslawyer]

I may have already made a post about this but I don't think I have so I thought I'd take the chance. I have these rants or thoughts in my head and sometimes I just have to get them down in writing or I'll be playing it in my head all day lol

I feel like the One Tree Hill writers room went to work and the first thing they said was "This show is not going to be Dawson's Creek and we are going to make that clear at every turn."

The first thing I think about is the Lucas and Haley friendship. They even went out of there way to separate Lucas/Haley from Dawson/Joey by making Haley make disparaging jokes about Dawson and Joey in the Pilot. I really respect the decision to make Lucas and Haley only friends and they never wavered from that. There was never even a second when they hinted that their relationship could be more than friends.

In some ways Nathan and Haley are equivalent from Pacey and Joey in One Tree Hill and they made the decision of getting Nathan and Haley together and then never really breaking them up. Unlike the Pacey and Joey model where there was the stupid love triangle with Dawson and they broke them up and got them together and broke them up again. Pacey and Joey really deserved better writers. Pacey and Joey have some of the best chemistry in TV and the writers did not know how to utilize that treasure.

The female friendships are absolutely atrocious in Dawson's Creek. I mean is there really a female friendship? I mean I guess Jen and Joey but even that was littered with tension most of the time and even after they buried the hatchet Joey would put men above Jen all the time. Like when she started dating the guy who cheated on Jen and then when Jen tried to help her she was really mean to Jen. I blame the writers for that. That is atrocious! Write better female friendships you cowards. In One Tree Hill, the friendships certainly have their ups and downs but you have Haley and Brooke, Brooke and Peyton, Haley and Peyton, Deb and Karen. Every woman on the show has at least one really great female friendship.

The fact that OTH never killed off any of the original teenage characters as in Nathan, Haley, Brooke, Lucas, Peyton, Skills, Mouth. Dawson's Creek just had to be assholes and kill off Jen in the last episode. But I really think giving all of them happy endings was really a concerted effort to be different from Dawson's Creek. And the reason I believe that is that they even brought on James Van Der Beek in a small role where he played a director... kind of a wink to his character in DC and he's talking to Lucas about his book that's going to be turned into a movie. It's something that's so similar to DC. Both Dawson and Lucas wrote books, movies, or TV shows about their lives. James' character has this to say "All right, clear your head, all right? What if Haley... Dies? I'm saying think about it. People love that stuff." You can tell that sometimes the writers are poking fun at some of the Dawson's Creek writing choices and I fully support it lol

The writers on One Tree Hill weren't always great and there was certainly one completely rotten apple in that bunch... cough M*** S****** cough but it really seemed like they went into writing the show with the intentions that it was gonna be better than Dawson's Creek in every way. Now if only there could have been a Dawson's Creek/One Tree Hill crossover and we could have seen Pacey and Joey show up in OTH then it would have been perfect lol

[redpenship]

i don't have anything pre-made for tails' birthday so uhhhh here's a ~2.3k flashback scene of tails being miserable in his home village that i removed from buzzsaw bc i didnt think it fit well in the narrative

--

Two months before he was captured by Robotnik, Miles sat in a palm tree and plotted his revenge. 

Lately, he’d been spending a lot of time in trees. His bullies weren’t very good at climbing, so he liked to hide in them whenever they chased him. The high branches of Westside’s palm trees had become his own personal safe haven. 

“Hey!” 

Well, they were the closest thing to a safe haven someone like him could get.

He looked down. His bullies were huddled at the base of the tree, where they’d been coming up with ideas for how bring him down. The bully ringleader, Joey the Fox, was waving his arms to get his attention. 

“Are you hungry?” he shouted. A few of the other kids snickered before shushing themselves. “The dining hall is closing soon. If you don’t go now, you won’t get to eat until tomorrow!” 

Miles’ stomach growled. He tightened his grip on the branch. The other kids had come for him early in the morning, so he hadn’t been able to eat anything all day. He was starving. 

Another bully, Cherry, cupped his snout with his hands while he yelled. “Don’t listen to him, he’s lying! The dining hall won’t be open tomorrow—there’s no more food!” 

Miles’ eyes widened. “What?” 

The kids laughed, and Joey shoved Cherry to the side so he could stand in the middle of the group. “Did you ever hear about that weird human from South Island? He’s on Westside now. He just started building something right on top of where the crops used to be. The farms are gone!” 

Cherry joined in again from the side. “We’re all gonna starve to death! Woohoo!” 

The group burst out into another round of laughter. Miles couldn’t tell if what they were saying was true or not. His bullies always loved to lie, but he did remember hearing about that weird human from South Island . . .

Regardless, there was nothing he could do. They were only saying these things to trick him. If he climbed down for food, they would beat him up. If they got bored of that early, they would probably hold him down until it was too late to ask for food, anyways. It was a lose-lose situation.

The other kids kept joking around on the sand. When they realized they wouldn’t get any further responses out of Miles, they hung around and played with seashells. There was a big flat one they liked to use as a frisbee sometimes while waiting for Miles to come down. He watched them toss it back and forth, envious of their freedom. He was only allowed to play when nobody was around to see him. 

One of the bullies threw the shell too hard, causing it to snap in half when Cherry tried to catch it. He yelped in pain and let the shell fall to the ground. He held out his hands for the others to see; the sharp edge of the shell had cut right through his glove and into his skin. A red stain in the white fabric grew bigger with each passing second. 

After a minute of heated discussion, the bullies decided to head back into town to deal with Cherry’s injury. Miles was left alone in the tree. 

He could have hurried to the dining hall, but he couldn’t bring himself to move just yet. He’d never seen the bullies just leave like that. They were usually very committed to making him miserable. It was shocking. 

If they got hurt while chasing him tomorrow, would they leave again? 

Using his tails to slow his descent, Miles floated down to the sand and retrieved the broken shell pieces. Both were sharp as knives. As a test, he poked one into his arm. Its edge stung harshly.

Against his will, a plan formulated in his brain. It was a mean plan. He didn’t like it at all. 

But in the end, it wasn’t much worse than what the bullies did to him on a daily basis. And maybe, if his plan worked out right, he could convince them to leave him alone forever. 

The next morning, he woke up at dawn and snuck out of the children’s house. He moved around the others kids’ sleeping bodies carefully, being extra cautious when he passed by his bullies. The last thing he needed was for one of them to wake up because he was being too noisy.

Their taunts about food yesterday turned out to be true. When he checked the dining hall for food, there was nothing to be found. Some of the other early risers complained to him about the shortage. Apparently, no one had any idea when the shortage would end—or if it ever would. The human was doing a lot of damage very quickly, so there was no way to know if they could ever get things back to normal. 

This should have been bigger news to Miles, but he was already dead set on getting his revenge. He pushed it to the back of his mind and made his way to the beach. 

He spent an hour digging for shells in the sand. He bought back a few handfuls to his favourite palm tree, where he sat on the ground and started snapping the shells into the little pieces. Once he was done, he started to build a sand castle with the shell shards stuck inside. 

From the outside, it looked like a normal sand castle. The inside, however . . .

Each morning, his bullies made a game of looking for him. Since he had been at the beach the previous day, it took them a long time to bother checking it again . Tails wasn’t known to stay in the same place two days in a row. 

A loud cheer pulled Tails away from his castle-building. The bullies were standing on the edge of the grass, high-fiving each other and laughing now that they’d found him. After a few jokes amongst themselves, they kicked off their shoes and started running toward him on the sand. 

Steeling himself, Miles forced himself to fight the urge to run away. He grabbed fistfuls of sand to calm himself.

Like usual, Joey led the pack. He came to a stop right in front of the sand castle, a mean smile on his face. 

“This is cute,” he said. The other kids giggled. “Did you work hard on it?”

“Yes,” Miles said quietly, averting Joey’s gaze. 

“Good.” Joey stomped his right foot straight down on the castle. 

The effect was immediate. Joey cried out and fell onto his back, holding his injured foot in his hands. Before the others circled him to get a batter look, Miles caught a glimpse of the wound: three shell shards were stabbed into the spaces between Joey’s tender pads.

Already, he felt guilty. Hurting other animals wasn’t good. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried after all . . .

A pair of hands shoved him to the ground. Cherry stood over him, teeth bared in anger. “Was that on purpose?” 

Uh oh. Miles tried to scramble backwards, but another bully came beside him and grabbed his arms. He thrashed against their grip to no avail; the other bullies were older than him, so he had no hope of overcoming their strength.

 Cherry looked over his shoulder, back to where the village was hidden behind the trees. He turned back to Miles with a scowl. “Someone get his batteries.” 

“What?” Miles gasped. They weren’t supposed to know he had those! He tried to free himself again, but was too weak to escape. “No, you can’t—”

Two of the bullies parted from the group, racing back into town. Miles’ stomach swooped in fear. 

“Actually, I can,” Cherry said coldly. “You just hurt Joey. Anything we do to you now is fair game.” 

It didn’t take long for the two bullies to return with his small cloth bag of batteries. Out of everything his village received from other territories, batteries were among the rarest. Miles had taken up stealing them from shipments and storing them under his bed. No one else ever used the batteries, so they never questioned why they always disappeared after the shipment came in. The missing batteries had never been brought up as an issue during the village assemblies.

By collecting them to use for his inventions, Miles had committed a grave offence. He knew this, and the bullies certainly did, too. 

Cherry grabbed the bag. He pulled out a D battery from inside, turning it over in his hands to get a good look. “You know, if you want to hide something properly, you probably shouldn’t just shove it under your blankets. What would the adults do if they found out you’ve been hoarding these?” 

Tears stung Miles’ eyes. If he didn’t have those batteries, he would have to wait until the next shipment came in to test his machines. With that human around, they probably wouldn’t get anything for a long time. This was equivalent to the end of his world.

Cherry dropped the battery back into the bag. “How selfish. I honestly thought you were better than this, mutant,” he spat. 

Obviously, the bullies didn’t really care that Miles had been hoarding batteries. They knew that he knew this. But they also knew that revealing his stash had the potential to ruin him. 

If the adults found out that he’d been keeping things for himself, he would get into a lot of trouble. He couldn’t afford to get into trouble with the adults—they were the only animals in the village that somewhat tolerated him. Losing their goodwill would isolate him completely. 

“Maybe I’ll throw them into the ocean.” Cherry stroked his chin in thought. “Or maybe I’ll return them to the gathering building. It would only be fair.” 

Before Miles could respond, a small rock was thrown at Cherry’s backside. He stepped to the side to give Miles full view of Joey, who was still sitting on the ground. His injured paw was a caked in sand and blood. 

“You’re an idiot. Why waste them?” Joey made direct eye contact with Miles and smiled. “Have you ever heard of money, mutant?”

In books, yes. Miles hoped feigning ignorance would save him, so he shook his head in response. 

“One of the new adults taught me all about it. When you do something for someone in the human territories, they give you these weird stones that you can use for other things. Most humans use them to get food.” Joey gestured for Cherry to give him the bag. He took it and gave it a shake, listening to the batteries clink against each other inside. “Our crops are gone, so we need to forage and hunt for food just like the old days. Let’s use the batteries like money! If you forage food for all of us, we’ll give you a battery in exchange for it. Does that sound like a good deal?” 

There were around six bullies that followed Miles around a daily basis. He could barely gather enough food for himself on days they bullied him away from the dining hall—how was he supposed to get food for everyone else, too? 

The idea of this horrified him. “That isn’t fair!” he protested.

Joey shrugged. “Fine. If you won’t do it, then we’ll tell the adults about your batteries.”

Oh, no—his world was crashing for real now. Tears continued to fall from his eyes as he came to terms with their ultimatum.

If he refused, he would face full rejection from the village. The adults would stop being nice to him. He would be surveilled whenever he borrowed anything from the gathering building, and confronted if he didn’t bring it back before bedtime. His bullies would have unspoken permission to harass him whenever they pleased. Whatever pity he’d received in the past would dry up completely—no one liked hoarders, and they already didn’t like Miles very much. His life would be ruined. 

If he accepted, then he would spend his days gathering food for his tormentors. It didn’t sound fun, but it at least had an expiration date. That weird human wouldn’t be ruining their farms forever, right? 

The choice was obvious. 

“I’ll do it,” he mumbled. 

“Great!” Joey waved off the bully holding him down. “Let him go. He has work to do.”

As soon as his arms were released, Miles jumped to his feet. Dread rolled through him as he considered Joey’s words.

“Now?” he asked. 

Joey gave him a quizzical look. “When else would you do it? The shortage started yesterday.” 

Cherry took the lead, walking to the edge of the beach where their shoes were stored. “Come on, mutant! I’ll keep an eye on you in the forest.” 

As he took his first step forward, the wild rush of thoughts and fears from before flatlined into mute acceptance. There was nothing he could do to escape his fate. He was stuck. 

Cherry seemed to recognize this, too. When they entered the forest, he gave Miles a light shove and laughed when he tripped over his feet. Tails caught himself on a tree and cast a glare in Cherry’s direction. 

“Don’t look so mad. This is your fault,” the older fox said. He gestured forward with his hand, telling Miles to continue walking. “If you hadn’t hurt Joey, none of this would have happened. What got into you?” 

Miles curled his hands into fists. “I thought you would leave me alone.” 

They travelled a few more metres into the forest before Cherry responded. 

“Well, that’s what happens when you threaten the balance. Never challenge anyone stronger than you—they’ll just hit back harder.” 

It would take a few more months for Miles to truly understand what he meant. By then, he would have already escaped his bullies with Sonic and been captured by Robotnik. Cherry would have already faded into the background of his increasingly chaotic life. 

Only when Robotnik deemed it time to learn about power would Miles finally remember their conversation in the forest. 

[icallhimjoey]

can I request some super super fluffy Christmas joe with fem reader?

okay so i fucking love everything about Christmas, but it's still early in the season so this isn't overly Christmassy yet... but take it as our first dip into the christmas!joey pool together, enjoy! Wordcount: 1.4K

---

The Last Piece 🎄

It was freezing in your bedroom, but under the covers it was nice and toasty. The alarm had just gone off and you’d pressed snooze in hopes of getting a few more minutes in. Joe knew it was dangerous game for you to play, so he turned on his nightlight to illuminate the room. It was met with groans from your side of the bed.

“I know,” was all Joe said, sitting up and stretching. The cool air it wafted underneath the covers wasn’t welcomed by you and you pulled covers tightly around you, encasing yourself in warmth.

It was the day before Christmas, and the prospect of family commotion and unescapable social behaviour was all great fun for when you’d go over for dinner with Joe’s family tomorrow. But today the two of you were visiting your family, and you weren’t looking forward to it at all.

“Come on, up and out,” Joe patted your butt over the covers, and it only made you bury yourself into your little nest deeper, your head disappearing under the covers now too.

“Time to start mentally preparing for your stepmother,” Joe joked.

“Ugh, don’t call her that. She’s my dad’s girlfriend.”

Was there a difference? It made Joe chuckle and before you knew it, he was on top of you as he rolled over the duvet, his full bodyweight heavy on top of yours. He moved covers to reveal your face and kissed it wherever his lips landed in your current position and shimmied you from side to side in a bid to wake you up more.

“Stop, go open your advent calendar,” you tried, hoping it’d get Joe off of you so you could actually get some more sleep in.

It worked.

Joe hopped off and tiptoed his way over to the dresser where two advent calendars were perched up, resting against the wall. You heard the little cardboard door rip open and the plastic underneath crinkle. “Ooh, it’s a penguin!” Joe beamed, far too active and awake for your liking. The sudden silence you heard felt immediately suspicious and your inkling was right when Joe flung himself back on top of you with full force, quite literally jump-scaring adrenaline into your system.

“I’m finally free! Out of the calendar!” Joe’s voice was high pitched as he held the little chocolate penguin in between his fingers and pretended it took a few steps in between your faces. Then he promptly shoved it right into his mouth and crushed it with his molars.

“You’re such an idiot,” you smiled through tired eyes and received a chocolatey kiss from your boyfriend who then got up and took your covers with him. No more playing, time to start the day.

"If you make it to the living room before I do, you get to turn the Christmas lights on!" Joe tried to pump some excitement into you. It only worked a little. The Christmas tree in your living room was so large, you'd had to go out to get more lights for it, and the configuration of all the cables felt anything but safe to you, but with the lights turned on, it felt like pure magic. When you were younger, you'd always leave the lights on during the night, but the fire hazard you'd created together definitely needed turning off before you went to sleep.

You looked over at your own advent calendar – the empty one of the two on the dresser. You had opened all the doors on the first day, something Joe said you were going to regret every morning you’d wake up for the next month. But opening door after door after door on the first of December had been so glorious, you didn’t care about the rest of the month. The mixture of the sweet, cheap holiday chocolate, along with the faint idea of a puzzle you had to do to get to them and with the added feeling of being naughty had left you in pure bliss. It had definitely been worth it.

But Joe was the type to shove every little morning chocolate he got to eat in your face, and now you wanted chocolate too.

You heard the shower turn on and weighed your options.

Could you do it? Would you forgive yourself for robbing Joe of his big first-day-of-Christmas, last-day-of-the-calendar piece of chocolate? Oh yes, absolutely. Would Joe forgive you though? That was debatable. You had tried to steal Joe’s chocolate more than once that month, and he’d caught you every single time and had been able to wrestle his advent calendar from your grip just in time. That stupid flimsy plastic was way too loud for your shaky morning fingers to pry chocolate out without him hearing.

Maybe if you were quick. With Joe in the shower, there was all the more possibility he wouldn’t actually hear you.

You stretched before stalking your way over to your dresser. You looked into the hallway to make sure that Joe was actually in the bathroom, and when there was no sight of him, you opened a drawer and slammed it loudly for effect. You got nothing from Joe and felt the coast was clear. Taking hold of the cardboard calendar, you started slowly, carefully, afraid for it to make any noise at all, and used a fingernail to start opening that last door with the big twenty-five printed on. You remembered the piece being larger than all the others, and Santa shaped. For the first few bits, ripping the cardboard went fine. It wasn’t silent, but it wasn’t loud either. You had to be slow though. Gentle touches, no firm fingers.

It was taking entirely too long, but you didn’t want to mess it up. Your mind kept trying to talk you out of it too, but Joe coming back into a bedroom where half the cardboard door was opened seemed worse than him finding his calendar empty. You weren’t sure how that worked, but your fingers weren’t stopping, and you needed that piece of chocolate now.

Then the shower turned off, and you instantly panicked.

If you were fast, you could get it out before Joe’s feet could make it over to you. He had to dry off first too. The cardboard rips and plastic rustling grew slightly louder under your touch.

“What the fuck are you doing?” a wet Joe stepped out into the hallway, a towel slung across his waist that he was holding with one hand, and wet hair dripped down his face. He had heard you and had skipped drying off completely to check if his ears had betrayed him or not.

Your grip on the calendar became a death grip and you used all your strength to rip cardboard and push plastic. You managed to grab hold of the chocolate a fraction of a second before Joe tackled you onto the bed, his wet body crashing into yours full force.

“My last piece, babe?! My last fucking piece?” Joe wrestled you as you shrieked under his wet limbs, trying to bring your hand up to your mouth before Joe could steal it from you, but he had your arms pinned to your body, and after a few tries, you relaxed in his hands and threw your head back in defeat.

“Fine,” you surrendered, holding the piece out for Joe to take from you.

“Unbelievable.” Joe said, taking the chocolate, now with a slightly melted thumb print in the back of it, from your fingers and looked at it. Then he looked back at you and paused. You noticed how there was still a bit of shampoo in his hair. Had he heard you before he’d even finished his shower?

“Open up,” Joe finally said, and you weren’t sure if you heard it right. He then moved the chocolate to your mouth, and upon you opening, popped it in and rested his head on a fist that was perched up on your chest to watch you eat it.

“Your last fucking piece, babe?” you fed Joe’s earlier accusatory words back at him as you chewed, except yours were full of disbelief and love.

“That better taste as good as you hoped it was going to taste,” Joe made eyes at you, and you laughed. It definitely didn't, but you weren’t going to tell him. “Best piece of advent calendar chocolate I’ve ever had.”

---

The Taglisted: @kiwisa @jasminearondottir @josephquinned @cancankiki @sidthedollface2 @dylanmunson @munsonsgirl71 @alana4610 @emmamooney @xomunson @sadbitchfangirl @jssmth5 @bagelofthelord67 @nobody-000 @lluviamg06 @thatonefan-girl @kylakins88 @paola-carter @eddiemunsonfuxks​ - add yourself  

[sculkapologist]

do you have any little corrupted world fun facts? just like, little tidbits and minor details …crumbs, mayhaps?

Oooo lemme see, what’s some small things we’ve pondered…..

Jack’s wandering trader coat was originally not code corruption; he chose it to match the distinctive look of the wandering traders, to advertise to villagers and fellow players alike that he was bringing goods to sell and trade! But wearing the coat made him seem a good candidate for their code, and now it’s a bit of both things. Wandering Trader code also probably contributes to Jack’s instincts to flee rather than fight.

Joey has always had the power to use commands – he didn’t know they were CODE before, it was just a thing he could do. When I asked Boo about this, he said, casually, “you know, there’s villagers, and there’s witches… some people just have more powers than other people,” which is the Most Joey Response Possible, I think. Mochi joked “he’s op and he doesn’t know it.”

something I think is really neat to ponder is the concept of custom things in minecraft – you know, like, when you make a small tree out of a fence post and some leaves, is it still a fence post? When I talked about this with mochi, we really liked the idea that this is just part of building, where builds are imbued with intention and become the thing they’re meant to be. Concrete powder and fences that are meant to be leaves and branches literally become a tree. Others can see what it was made from, but they all see the tree. This is going to be MIND BOGGLING for Pete.

[joeybsversion]

Comfortable

Joe Burrow x reader

You travel with the team for a relaxing weekend

You tightened your pony tail, trying to find something to do with your hands as Joe slipped his Cartier shades over his eyes. Your hand founds it’s way back to his and he laced your fingers together. You could see a crowd of fans and people taking pictures up ahead. Joe tightened his grip on your hand and put his head down as you fought your way through the crowded airport.

“Cars are out front. Follow this hallway and go out the doors on your next left.” Ja’Marr instructed, following close behind.

With another Super Bowl win behind them, the team had decided to take a relaxing trip to the mountains of Montana with girlfriends and wives in tow. You all needed a break from the city and the craziness that comes with being in the NFL.

“After you.” Joe smiled and opened the back door of the black SUV for you before following you in.

“Next stop, Camp Champs.” Sam Joked as he climbed in and took a seat next to Joe, his new girlfriend close behind.

A pack of SUV’s navigated the winding Montana roads through fields of wild flowers and forests of trees. “It’s so beautiful.” You admired the landscape.

“Just wait until we get to the cabin. Views are supposedly breath taking.” Joe looked out the window.

“Damn this place is huge!” Tee swung the door open, dropping his bags.

“Wow.” You gasped.

Joe smiled, taking your bags and leading you through the house, trying to find a room to claim. “How’s this one?” He asked. The room had floor to ceiling windows along the wall and a private balcony on the opposite side.

“It looks like a post card out there!”

He laughed at you before planting a kiss on your forehead. “It really does.. hopefully there’s no bears out there!” Joe teased.

“That’s not funny, Joey!” You backed away from the windows.

“I’m serious! This area is know for its big bad grizzly bears! You packed bear spray, right?” He asked, a look of concern on his face. You turned to look at him. “What is that!!” He pointed out the window.

You screamed and buried your face in his chest.

He laughed uncontrollably. “Baby, I’m kidding!” He fell backwards on the bed, trying to catch his breath.

“You’re so mean!” You playfully smacked his arm and flopped down on the bed beside him.

After a long day of travel, everyone was looking forward to a night spent around the campfire.

You slipped on some leggings and one of Joes flannels and followed him out into the big back yard where the rest of the team was gathered around watching Ja’Marr start the fire.

The crackle of the fire was relaxing, to the point where you might fall asleep outside. It doesn’t help that your cuddled up in Joes lap under a blanket, his hand tracing up and down your back. He’s laughing away with the team, already talking about next season, and sipping on a beer. He keeps name dropping sports people you’ve never heard of, which is helping you stay zoned out. Every so often he looks down and kisses you on the forehead, checking that you’re comfortable enough and warm enough. He notices goose bumps on the back of your neck and wraps the blanket around you tighter.

There’s a warm, full feeling in your heart when you’re with Joe. A feeling so familiar and specific. A feeling you didn’t know until you met Joe.

[jungle-angel]

Out in the Middle: Part 1 (Rhett Abbott x Reader)

Summary: You and Rhett decide to spend some time with some old family friends and let the kids run loose. The trip turns out to be some of the best memories you ever make

Tags: @fanboygarcia @nobody7102​ I know you guys probably haven’t seen Yellowstone yet but I couldn’t help myself and this is only part one (lol)

Bozeman, MT

8:30 am

October 2022

You and Rhett could hardly wait to see the looks on the kids faces when you finally reached your destination. You had all gotten up at the crack of ass, loaded the kids all up into the truck and schlepped it on off to Bozeman to beat the rush of traffic on the highways.

But you knew the trip would be worth it in the end. 

Three of the kids rode with you while the other three rode with Royal and Cecelia and Amy with her dad. You were grateful that the littler ones would sleep the whole way through, but you pitied Royal when Tatum and Tanner would start playing the “stop-hitting-yourself” game. The first time around, Rhett had almost dislocated his shoulder trying to discipline the two little monsters.

“We almost there?” you yawned. 

“Almost there darlin,” Rhett told you. “One more turn off and we’re there.” 

“Oh thank God,” you sighed. 

One more turn off and the destination began to approach. As soon as you saw the sign that read: Dutton Ranch, 5 Miles, a heat of excitement began to well up inside you. “God, the kids are gonna freak when they see their cousins,” you remarked. 

“Which oughtta be good seeing as they’ve been locked in a car for six hours,” Rhett chuckled. “But I hear you. It’ll be good to see John and the others again.” 

You couldn’t have agreed more. Even just the thought of the kids running around on that vast expanse of property, completely free of all the problems of the world made you happier than you had ever been. 

When at last the land came into view, you and Rhett let the others follow behind you as the trucks made their way up the drive to that imposing log house at the top of the hill. God, Bozeman was gorgeous in the fall, the trees burned bright shades of orange, red, yellow, green and brown, the pines looming and towering into the bright blue field of sky. The mists of early morning rolled over the hills and mountains like the tails of ghosts wisping their way across the crests. 

At last you pulled to a stop, waking Hannah and your second set of twins, Franklin and Harvey. God, they were getting big, already two and a half and getting into everything. Hannah of course jumped from the truck when she saw John, Beth and Rip all making their way over. 

“PAPA JOHNNY!!!!!!!!” she screamed. 

John laughed as he scooped her right off the ground. “How’s my favorite grandniece?” he laughed. “You and your brothers and sisters up to no good?” 

“I solemnly swear I’m up to no good!” Hannah answered. 

“That’s what I wanna hear!” John said proudly, high-fiving her and shooing her off to the barn before the other kids nearly football tackled him. The other cousins came charging up from the stables, eager to see everyone and cause as much mischief as they could. 

“You two thought you’d get away without me coming to see you?” John joked. 

“Hi John,” you chuckled as he caught you in a tight hug, the smell of leather, hay and horses lingering in his jacket. 

“Uncle John, good to see you,” Rhett said before he too was caught by his uncle.

“Heard you had a hell of a rodeo before comin up here,” John remarked. “How’s the shoulder?” 

“A little bruised but I’ll live,” Rhett laughed half-heartedly. “How’s everybody else?” 

“Can’t complain,” Beth answered. “Kids are all driving us up the wall. I went to go and get Evie and Joey after work from school and all their teacher did was complain that they were covered in mud.” 

“Oh c’mon, let the kids be kids,” Rhett scoffed. 

“Oh! Oh-ho now, do we hear a Rhett and (y/n)?” a woman’s voice asked, coming from the porch. 

You screamed when you saw Monica running to you with her arms open and Kayce holding a four month old baby girl in his arms. “You told us you were gonna call before you got here!” Monica exclaimed.

“I promised no such thing!” 

“Yes you did!” 

“No I didn’t!” 

You and Monica bantered back and forth before Kayce came over to greet Rhett while John did the same for Royal and Cecelia, the two of them shooing Amy and the other kids off to the stables to play with their cousins. “You slimy little son of a bitch,” John chuckled. “How are ya?” 

“Not a complaint in the world,” Royal answered. “Still fightin with that bitch, Carline Warner?” 

“Yeah, Beth had it out with her about two days ago,” John answered. “Thomas did too but he kept it a little quieter.” 

“Is he here?” 

“Comin by with the grandkids around eleven,” John told him. “We’ll have more midgets on the property than we’ll know what to do with.” 

Royal laughed as everyone made their way into the house to catch up, yourself brimming with excitement at the fact that you, Rhett and the kids would get to spend an entire year here. 

[grownups-are-the-real-monsters]

Growing Pains

Summary:  The Tozier-Kaspbrak household was unsettlingly quiet when Beaver decided to pull himself away from his studying. He’d been noticing some sort of funny feeling ----‘Henry might know a better word for it.’---- pinching at his guts for the last month or so. He mostly kept that ‘funny feeling’ to himself. As he crossed the hallway to the stairs, he wondered what version of himself he’d take up today. Not that his problem was that serious or anything but he’d definitely keep the identity crisis to himself, no sense in worrying his family when Richie and Eddie already had so much going on.

Fandom: IT & Dreamcatcher by Stephen King

Ships: Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak, Beaver/Jonesy

Word Count: 5,719

Sunday

Outside the house, an old tree stretches toward the window. It blocks the sun and moon from shining their beams down into the living room and sheds its leaves all over the lawn. From season to season, it endured. The boy, who was not quite a boy anymore, sat on the couch where no light shined and remembered all the summers he spent climbing through its branches. All those springs he exhausted his friends by clambering up just to see how far he could jump from. But ‘Who cares?’ he thought. Who gave a shit if he had treasured memories of his Dads playing with him under the shade of a dumbass, old tree? Why should he care that they’re cutting it down? 

The boy, not a boy, blinked his heavy eyes and tried to keep them open this time. But that call of sleep was wavering in and out like a sweet wave of water. 

“Beav?” 

He breached the water and opened those damned eyes again. “Yeah?” 

His Dad, whose only occupational hazard was a criminal load of insecurity, stood before him in what a smaller version of Beaver Tozier-Kaspbrak would’ve called his Monster the Grouch pajamas. “Didja like the joke or should I change the set-up?” He pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose and waited. 

He would’ve laughed, really, but the drowsiness was beginning to drown him and he missed the whole beginning. “Can you repeat it–?” 

He cut himself off as he heard the bedroom door to his right open and the gentle pitter-pattering of light feet on carpet. ‘Ooop’ he thought pathetically as he tried to throw a life preserver out to his slipping consciousness. 

“Richie, what are you doing keeping our son up at three in the goddamn morning?” The tone was pissy but the sound of it was actually extremely comforting to Beaver because it meant his Dad was mad but also a little bit amused. 

“Well, ya see, Eds. I woke up for a little ‘midnight’ snack and ran into Beav, who was already awake–” 

“It’s true. I woke for the unmistakable taste of Sonic-Spooners.” Which was true. That had been his original task, hadn’t it? A little bit of cereal in the middle of the night. 

“Hush, Joey.” Eddie rolled his eyes fondly and came forward to playfully run a hand through his son’s hair. “Listen, Rich, I know you’re a little bit worried about filming your special soon–” 

“A little?” Richie chuckled, hands on his hips. This did not phase Eddie.

“But you can’t keep our son awake while you practice. Besides, you need your sleep too.” 

Beaver settled into the couch and listened to them bicker back and forth until one of them, he couldn’t tell which, came to their senses and carried their teenage son to bed. 

       ______________________________________________________

The Tozier-Kaspbrak household was unsettlingly quiet when Beaver decided to pull himself away from his studying. He’d been noticing some sort of funny feeling ----‘Henry might know a better word for it.’---- pinching at his guts for the last month or so. He mostly kept that ‘funny feeling’ to himself. As he crossed the hallway to the stairs, he wondered what version of himself he’d take up today. Not that his problem was that serious or anything but he’d definitely keep the identity crisis to himself, no sense in worrying his family when Richie and Eddie already had so much going on.

He took two steps, ‘Wonder what I can have for lunch?’

Three more, ‘Who’s at home right now?’ 

One more, ‘Have I made enough of a difference to pass the History test?’

Reaching the bottom and making it to the kitchen, ‘Maybe Jonesy will wanna go to a movie or something.’

“Good morning, Beav.” Jonesy briefly looked up from his pile of books with a quick smile. His hand never lifted from her paper, Beaver wondered if his handwriting suffered from the lack of attention but he doubted it. He didn’t even wonder what he was doing here so early because the Tozier-Kaspbrak household was usually full of his friends. 

“What are you studying so hard for?” He asked, voice habitually coming off as disgusted. 

“It’s poetry.” he waved a thin book around with a look of adoration. “Something you’re not familiar with.” He playfully stuck out his tongue.  

Beaver chuckled, plucking the knife covered in peanut butter from his mouth. “Sure I am.” He ignored his unimpressed look. “Music is pretty poetic, Jonesy.” He smugly slapped his shoulder.

Jonesy raised a brow and followed his path to the fridge with his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure Bon Jovi is fully capable of writing in a--” he strutted back to the table and flipped through one of the books. “--an intelligent yet romantic style that simultaneously undermines our society without fear.” he seemed passionate and thrilled. 

Beaver rolled his eyes from behind the fridge door. “I find it more thrilling to hear you poetically undermine me, Jonesy.” He feigned fondness, smacking his hand to his chest. Jonesy shuffled his books and laughed. He cleared a spot on the table and patted the chair next to him. 

“Come here, I’ll read some to you so that you’re ready for our test the day after tomorrow.” 

“Jesus Christ Bananas.” Beaver cried. “We have a test? I’m so gonna fail that shit.” 

From his right, in came his Dad with about a thousand papers and a coffee mug in his hands. “Always encouraging to hear your son say that.” Eddie approached the counter, pushed away the open jar of peanut butter, and finally set down his balancing act. “Please eat a real breakfast, Joey.” 

Beaver slid the knife from between his teeth and smiled. “Can we come watch Dad film his special on Tuesday?”  

Eddie briefly paused from shoving things into his briefcase. He had an hour or so before he left but still, he managed to look like he was in a clusterfuck of work. He seemed to consider the question this time, which was way more than he did last time it was asked, and looked over Beaver and Jonesy. “You need to go to school…” 

“It won’t kill me to miss one day!”  

“You know what, no.” He waved his hand by his ear, almost like he was swatting a bug. “I already decided. Now why don’t you invite the other boys over and study together?” 

Beaver heaved a sigh but nodded. “Alright. We’ll study.” 

       ______________________________________________________

Elliott: “No. Look. Now. Swear it. The most excellent promise you can make. Swear as my only brother. On our lives!”

Michael: “Don't get so heavy. I swear”

Beaver, Jonesy, Pete, Henry, and Douglas sat comfortably on the couch as the movie played through its running time. The house was sort of quiet, with the parents gone. 

“Would you keep an Alien as a pet?” Douglas quirked a brow and turned to his right but Henry was already dozing. He was in that liminal state of being half-awake and half-asleep. 

“He’s not Elliot’s pet, Duds. He is his friend.” Pete answered, not moving at all. “Don’t you pay attention?” He puffed out a drowsy laugh. 

“Wake up, Henry! You’re missing everything.” Douglas frowned and it didn't take very long for Henry to pick his head up and shake himself back into reality. 

Just as Beaver’s eyes fell back on the screen, a thought occurred to him. “You know they’re cutting down our tree…” He trailed off, hoping….

“What? They can’t do that!” 

“Noooo, not our tree!” 

He smiled to himself, knowing that Jonesy’s righteousness and Douglas’s pure love would win him the attention he wanted. He sat up straight in his seat and nodded with a frown. 

“When are they cutting it down?” Henry asked, sleep still clear in his eyes. 

“Tuesday,” Beaver answered, echoing what his Dad had told him. But as he said it, something wonderful occurred to him. “We should cut school and sit up in the branches, then they can’t cut it. I’ve seen it on TV.”  

“Yes! Let’s do it.” Douglas shuffled in his seat on the carpet, grabbing onto Pete’s leg, who nodded along. 

“I don’t mind cutting class.” Pete shrugged, looking at Henry the way he always did. The other boy looked suspicious and Beaver wondered if this would be the end of his master plan. 

“Is this worth taking such a stand over?” Henry asked, soaked in reality as always. Beaver nodded his head vigorously. “I don’t know–” 

He didn’t plan on resorting to such manipulation but the time called for it. So, Beaver pinched Pete’s thigh and ignored the death glare he got in return, instead he just gestured to Henry with his chin. ‘Come on man, do it.’ it said. 

Pete, luckily, didn’t ask questions and went right for the puppy-dog eyes. A true subtle form of manipulation that only ever seemed to work for him. And man did Henry cave like always. 

“Fine. I guess I’m in.” 

Jonesy smiled, looking at Beaver, who was surprised it hadn’t occurred to him that their test was also on Tuesday. 

         ______________________________________________________

Monday

Seven o’clock in the morning & Beaver had only slept for a good three hours. He trudged down the stairs and performed the classic rituals of trying to wake his body; Rubbing hard at his eyes, cracking his neck, yawning, stretching out his legs, and slipping his glasses on to distract from the drowsy look on his face. He’d expected that pinch-in-his-gut feeling to be gone once he’d slept that day away. And he thought that was true when he initially woke up under his sheets but as he blinked up at the ceiling…but an unnerving drop in his stomach signaled he was wrong. ‘Damn, what is that?’

‘Maybe breakfast will help.’ He rolled his lips together and hoped his resting face didn’t scream exhausted. 

His Dad was pouring orange juice into a shining glass for Pete while a jelly sandwich covered the bushel of flowers on his dish. The congealed purple goo squeezed a little from the sides of the thick white bread as Pete took his bites. Beaver couldn’t help but smile at the genuine care his parents seemed to have for his friends, who truly had no business coming over so early in the morning. 

Coming towards the table, he annoyingly stuck his fingers onto Pete’s shoulder. He squealed but the sound was muffled by his sandwich. Eddie glanced up with a grin. “Good morning, Joey.” 

“G’morning.” He stuffed a bagel into his mouth. 

Jonesy glanced up from his paperback but didn’t move his legs, which were still resting on the cushion of the other boy’s chair when he sat down. Beav shoved them near the edge but not off entirely. “Beaver?” 

He looked up, bagel still in his mouth but he’d yet to actually take a bite. Instead, he held it between his teeth in an especially youthful & endearing way. “Hmmm?” 

Jonesy, looking back down at his book (An assigned reading assignment that Beaver should also be halfway through by now) “That one has raisins in it.” 

He spat it out straight away (well, more like he simply opened his mouth wider), not even blinking as it plopped onto his plate. “Ah man, gross.” He whined, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. He wanted an exchange and turned on his chair to get as far away from that bagel as possible. 

“Joey, I thought you liked raisins?” Eddie pursed his lips and looked a bit tired. Nonetheless, he gladly handed him a plain bagel. 

‘Much appreciated.’ Beaver smiled and broke a piece off. “Maybe when I was eight.” He let a shrug roll off his shoulders. “I think it goes back to that Halloween.” He waved his finger in the air while a chill danced down his body. “The one where Mr. Chambre gave out those little cartons and I bet Pete that I could stuff 3 packs in my mouth--” 

“And you threw up all over your carpet before bed?” Richie vibrantly entered the room. His presence was made known by the sound of his exuberant steps before he’d even spoken. 

“Yeah. The puke was orange if I remember correctly.” That addition admittedly wasn’t helpful to the conversation at all but their disgusted faces made it that much sweeter than those awful raisins. 

“Can I have a raisin bagel?” Jonesy peeked out from his book and pointed down at the food with a hungry expression. 

“Sure, go crazy.” Beaver leaned back on the counter, the eating couldn’t wait until he sat down again. 

“I'm not picky.” Jonesy’s sweet energy flourished as he happily stole the food and tossed it up gently a few times before taking a large bite. Beaver was too distracted by the sight to really care that Jonesy was lying. That little sucker was picky as shit. 

‘Batter up, batter up. Here comes Jonesy with the pitch! It’s goinnnggg and…it’s outta here! What will be next? Fastball? Curveball? Pumpernickel? Sesame?!’ Beaver shared a private chuckle with himself. ‘Maybe breakfast was helping’ cause as he stood there with his new bagel, the drowsy internal weight lifted a little. 

         ______________________________________________________

Mounds of grossly warm and milky ice cream puddles splashed onto the hard plastic trays in the hot lunchroom. It was the school’s attempt at a treat but the thick & gooey creams were sizzling into chocolate and vanilla soups under the eye of unforgiving fluorescent lights. 

Due to his taste buds being sick of the disgusting Derry high food, Beav’s lunch was going to be limited to carrots (they couldn’t possibly make those any worse) and Jonesy’s extra cookie if he wanted something substantial enough to keep him full. As he tapped at his tragically thin wallet, an especially built guy cut him in line. He mindlessly just let that happen ‘More trouble than it’s worth’. The lunch lady’s ponytail bounced while she attempted to juggle the student’s demands. It brought forth an uncomfortably numb feeling in his head. He wanted very badly to escape the line. 

He nearly ran back to his table when given his chance and nearly fell off the seat next to Jonesy. 

“How’s your day going?” Jonesy laughed, aimlessly rolling a plastic fork across his lips. 

Beaver steadied himself and pulled at his jacket like nothing happened. “Oh, I’m burning that afternoon oil, Jonesy.” Sarcasm so thick that it reminded him of that raisin puke again (‘Disgusting’). “If you want the real answer--” 

“And I do.” He pushed the extra cookie over to Beaver.

“I had a small chat with Missy Tramel in the hall, I passed my history test, had to punch my locker open cause I forgot my combination again and I really have to pee cause I bet Pete that I could hold it in all day.” He blurted this all in the span of two seconds, not because he was flustered or anything. No. He merely had to pee that bad. 

“Surprisingly, I got all that.” Jonesy grinned, sort of proud of himself. “Congrats on the test, by the way, I noticed you were cramming for it.” He took a bite of the gross rectangular pizza. 

Beaver raised a brow. “You did?” 

“Sure. You had some intense notes on your desk the other day.” He shrugged casually. “Plus, I borrowed your history book, remember? I saw that doodle on the back cover--the one of your head exploding like one of those Bugs Bunny cartoons.” That slipped a giggle out of Beaver as he answered. 

A blush ran down Beaver’s neck like a sweat-inducing fever. “Oh.” He awkwardly chuckled, leg bouncing up and down incredibly fast. That pinched feeling returned to his stomach.

“Dude, go to the bathroom!” Jonesy poked him with his elbow and laughed. “Pete isn’t even in this lunch period. He’ll never know.” 

Beaver steadied his leg and shoved half the cookie into his mouth. “I can’t dishonor a bet by cheating.” He went through the motions of indifference though he felt teased by the boy a table over.  ‘Absolutely gulping the hell outta your water, Todd...or Tom? You know...you might even be Jacob?’ Beaver paused but couldn’t come up with a definitive name. ‘Whoever you are, if you don’t quit it, I’m gonna piss---’

“Beaver?” Jonesy slapped his shoulder. 

“Yeah?” He felt groped out of his moment but didn’t let that show in his physical presence. 

“Do you think you have enough time left to ask Missy Tramel to a movie before you pee your pants?” He flashed his usual smile.

Jonesy never truly seemed aware of his own charm. Everything that made up his character was warm and earnest. Beaver felt that, under this new shadow, he now paled in comparison. Beaver bit into his cheek with subconscious strength. “Of course. I always have time for her.” He smirked and exaggerated his glance towards her. “Why?” He asked this without moving his eyes from Missy, wanting to make his attraction apparent. 

“Well…” He rubbed his hand down the back of his neck because he was mostly nervous when Beaver wasn’t looking. “Sadie Carter from my 6th period asked me if I wanted to go see the double showing of the ‘Nightmare on Elm Street movies’ tonight, after our tree saving of course--” He added quickly. “And I thought we could go double cause....” He trailed off. 

Beaver tore his eyes from Missy and found Jonesy again. “She asked you out?” A miserable reply to a detail so minuscule. He was aware. But the notion that Jonesy easily booked dates because all the girls asked him out was vaguely upsetting. ‘Where’s the sweat? I gotta cheer myself on for a week before I can ask a girl out and she still says no.’ 

“Yeah-” 

‘No big deal.’ Beav’s misery deepened a little. 

“--Anyway, I thought you could double with us being that I’m a little nervous–”

“Awww, Jonesy’s nervous!” He reached out and poked at him a few times, maybe because he felt a tiny surge of happiness doing it or maybe because the shifting on his seat helped him with the pee-problem. 

Jonesy waved passively. “Would ya just ask her?” His self-conscious tone became relaxed just as quickly as it’d appeared. 

A twist of that depressingly painful anxiety twisted in Beaver’s gut. He looked back to Missy, sitting there with her girlfriends with carefree and unstrained bliss. ‘Fuck. Maybe I should just go to the bathroom instead.’ It was only normal to be nervous around girls. That’s what Pete said. 

Beaver stood from his seat and was starting to mentally cheer himself on (♫‘Beaver, Beaver. He’s our man. If he can’t do it---’♫) when Jonesy grabbed his arm and pulled him back, his touch was warm. (♫‘She’ll be glad…’♫). 

“And please go to the bathroom on your way back.” He chuckled, swinging Beaver’s arm in his hand instead of letting go. “You’re pretty much a human water balloon at this point.”  

Beaver pulled out of his grip and laughed all the way up to Missy Tramel’s table. He felt a bit more comfortable than he’d usually be when it came to girls once he remembered that she had actually laughed at his jokes in the hallway before 4th period. Since he’d become interested in dating, he couldn’t remember a time something like that happened. 

Missy was sipping her soda through a blue and white striped straw, liquid shooting past her smile, Beaver could almost feel the carbonation on his own tongue. She had gorgeous red hair which framed her face in a frighteningly perfect way. But he supposed that her attitude was what initially caught his eye. Missy was sweetly feminine but she could also run a mile in six minutes & beat some of the guys in a basketball shoot-off. 

“Missy?” He tried not to sound too nervous. 

She turned, friendly enough. “Hi, Joey.” Briefly, she hid her mouth behind her cookie (crunchy on the outside but soft in the middle) to avoid showing chocolate in her teeth. 

He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and shuffled a bit on his feet. Perhaps it suited him better to let the discomfort show...could it possibly come off as ‘adorably shy’? Beaver almost hoped so.

“I was just wondering if you’d like to go to the movies with me, my friend, and his date?” He muttered, hoping that his point came across… ‘Please realize I’m trying to ask you to be my date?’. “There doing a double showing of the ‘Nightmare on Elm Street movies--” 

Missy set her cookie down on a greasy sheet of her math homework peeking from her folder, sending a chocolate chunk through the air & smudging an unmistakable doodle of a crocodile. Its teeth were sharp, chowing down on an unfinished equation. The animal was most definitely drawn by some boy in her class…Beaver wished to be swallowed whole by the creature. “I’d really love to, Joey.” Her smile screamed pity. “But I have plans that night.” 

“I didn’t actually say what day we were planning on yet, Missy.” He wasn’t surprised. “It is playing all week.” He shrugged, not having much energy left for the conversation. 

A blush of embarrassment bloomed across Missy’s face, her friends looked anywhere but at either of them. 

“Really, It’s fine with me, Missy.” He flashed a ‘what can you do?’ sort of grin and walked off. 

“It’s a no-go, Jonesy.” He said simply, that pinched feeling turning into a full ache. “You’ll just have to go on your own.” And the thought of that….well, that felt worse than any pain in his stomach. 

         ______________________________________________________

Eddie Kaspbrak-Tozier sat across from his husband with a slight smirk on his face, stabbing at his salad aimlessly as he watched him speak. Richie was especially animated on this day which was always a nice treat. “You’ve been through this punchline over a hundred times, Rich.” 

The other man took a sip from the glass of pop he’d been swishing around and shook his head. “I’m aware, Eds—thank you.” Richie awkwardly mumbled to the waiter who brought the chicken he’d been eagerly waiting for. He was a young guy with hair that dangled just above his shoulders, Eddie guessed the white car plastered with Grateful Dead bumper stickers in the parking lot was his ride. “If you couldn’t tell, I’m nervous.” 

A laugh. “I know and it’s a riot seeing you so…” He waved his sweaty fork around, “Uptight. Usually, that’s me.” Ignoring Richie’s pathetic attempts to smack him from across the table, Eddie swallowed a bit of strawberry. He’d requested no cashews because though he’d progressed in many ways, he was still convinced he was allergic to those damn things. “I only have a half-hour left of my break though. I’d like not to spend it hearing the same joke over and over.” 

“How would you like to spend it?” The smart mouth asked. 

“Do you think Joey’s struggling in school?” Eddie asked abruptly, setting down his utensil and looking at his husband with his large-ass eyes. 

Richie wiped his face with a napkin and leaned back on his chair. “The same way I did.” He said, thumping the table in a little drumbeat. “The kid’s smart when he pushes…he’s just not pushing.” 

Breathing through his nose, Eddie put his chin in his hand. “What helped you?” 

Richie paused, giving the question real thought. In the meantime, the Dead Head waiter returned with another glass of pop. From the way his eyes lingered, Eddie could tell that he recognized his husband and maybe wished to say something but didn’t dare. It was endearing, in a way. “Ben and Mike, mostly.” 

“I think he’d ask Henry or Jonesy for help only…” 

“He’s embarrassed.” Richie finished for him, sipping the new drink. “So was I.” 

The couple paused their conversation and resumed eating their meals for a few minutes. “They’re cutting down our tree tomorrow.” 

Eddie nodded, poking at his lettuce and remembering when Joey was small. “I hate that. Wish we could do something.” 

         ______________________________________________________

Tuesday

“What’s he doing?” 

“He’s getting himself ready.” 

Beaver tore his eyes from one dad and went to the other. Eddie seemed entirely used to such action and he supposed that’s what love did to a person. It got them familiarized with their husband dancing around the kitchen and singing into a spatula while eggs burned on the stove. 

‘Hey, let's go all over the world

Rock and roll girls

Rock and roll girls…’

Eddie burst through the door they’d been peeping through and made his way to said stove, snatching the spatula and picked up on scrambling the eggs like they’d been his responsibility in the first place. Richie ceased his dancing and smiled wide as Beaver finally came into the kitchen. “Hey kiddo, you in the mood for eggs?” 

Silently, Eddie held up the pan Richie had neglected for his solo. 

He pushed up his glasses. “You in the mood for burnt sludge?” 

Chuckling, Beaver took a seat at the table and waited for his friends to arrive. He hoped they remembered their plan for the day. “I’ll pass on the sludge.” Much preferring the taste of a sugary cereal anyway. Still wordlessly, Eddie handed over a box of Sonic-Spooners over to his son, something his own mother would’ve died before letting him have. “What time are you guys leaving?” 

“In about a half-hour.” Eddie answered, giving a sideways glance to his husband. “How you doing champ?” He teased. 

Richie, far from the patron saint of maturity, stuck out his tongue. “Better. Ran through a couple more of the jokes…” He trailed off, looking down at Beaver who was shoveling cereal into his mouth. “Why can’t we take the kid again?”

Beaver dropped his spoon and looked up with pleading eyes. ‘Please. Anything to get me outta the test is good’  

A roll of the eyes, a classic in the Tozier-Kaspbrak household. “Because the kid,” Eddie ruffled Beav’s hair lovingly, “needs to go to school.” 

‘Back to the backup plan.’ Beav deflated. 

         ______________________________________________________

Henry stood with his hands on his hips, backpack at his feet with that suspicious smirk on his face as if to say ‘Okay, you got me here. What’s next?’ Pete was resting on the lawn with his head on Henry’s backpack, arms crossed over his chest and looking peaceful. “Roberta’s gonna be pissed when she finds out you convinced Duds to miss school.” 

“I know that Mr. Obvious.” Beaver waved his hand dismissvely, though he had to admit he was a little worried about that. He wasn’t sure he could handle disapproval from Mrs. Cavell. 

“It was my choice.” Douglas piped up from Beaver’s porch steps. Jonesy sat next to him, looking more eager than ever. If Beav had been right about one thing, it was his friends sense of righteousness overshadowing his memory of their test. “I want to help save our tree.” 

Beaver smiled. This may be a side plot to escape the inevitable failure but it was also a mission he fully believed in. Beaver’s plans were never half-assed. “And that’s just what we’re going to do, Duds.” 

         ______________________________________________________

Sadie Carter and Missy Tramel had been best friends since Kindergarten. Everywhere one went, the other was sure to follow. This morning was no exception. Together they walked to school with the topic of conversation being Sadie’s date for Friday; Gary Jones. 

“I can’t believe you’re going to see those disgusting movies.” Missy wrinkled her nose, clutching her books to her chest and watching their feet sync up on the sidewalk. 

“You’re just jealous that you’re not going.” Sadie giggled. “What gives anyway? Beaver’s cute, why’d you say no?” She liked that kid, he told jokes in science that had her cracking up. 

“Joey’s alright, I mean. He’s funny and all that.” She shrugged, refusing to call him by that dumb nickname. “But I don’t wanna date him or anything—” their heels clacked on the pavement as she sighed. “He’s just…he’s um…he’s…oh jesus, he’s in a tree!” She rolled her eyes and pointed. 

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G who?” Sadie laughed and obeyed when Missy took her head and pushed it in the right direction. 

She was right. Beaver was hanging upside down in his front lawn’s tree. Not alone either. His regular group of buddies, Gary Jones included, were all hanging onto branches and sitting up there like it was normal. Their backpacks scattered around the trunk. “What are you boys doing?”

“Hey girls.” Pete Moore called down with a shy smile on his face. Sadie ignored this and continued her pestering, approaching and letting her own backpack fall off her shoulder next to theirs. 

“Jonesy?” She shouted. “What gives?” 

“We’re saving our tree from being cut down!” He shouted back, exuberant with pride. Sadie raised a brow. “They should be getting here any minute and when they do, they’ll find us.” 

“Will the tree be saved by tonight?” 

“Could take all day and night, we don’t know yet.” Beaver called down as he climbed back upside. He ignored the look of annoyance Jonesy shot him, that pinched feeling returning to his stomach. 

“That blows.” Sadie said flatly, picking up her bag and moving back toward the sidewalk. 

“I’m sure we’ll be done by seven, Sadie.” Jonesy quickly shouted down. He turned back to Beaver. “We just have to stay until their workday is over, Beav. That buys us another day to plan.” 

‘Plan, shman’ Beaver thought angrily. Suddenly the tree felt intensely important. Forget missing the test, the tree was important thing. “We don’t know their hours, Jonesy. You should be prepared to stay here a long time.” Fuck, his stomach hurt. 

“They work till eight.” Henry piped in. 

“See!” Beaver frowned. 

“I can’t miss my date, Beav.” Jonesy mirrored his frown. 

“I didn’t know we’d be up here that long.” Douglas added, only making Beaver’s stomach burn more. 

“You guys, this is important.” Beaver felt pathetic. He had no idea why this was suddenly the most important thing in the world but it was. Screw Jonesy’s date. 

“Well, let me know what you work out with your keeper.” Sadie said snottily and started stomping off, Missy following right behind her. 

Jonesy looked ready to shout in frustration. Instead, he hurled himself down from his branch and shot Beaver an angry look. “Save the tree without me.” 

The pain in Beaver’s stomach was completely unbearable as he watched his friend take off after some random girl. “Bitch in a buzzsaw.” He mumbled. Henry sighed, shifting branches so that he could be closer to him. 

“I think we should trash the plan, Beav.” 

“You can.” He looked up, losing some of his fire. “I’m gonna stay.”

“Come on, Beav–” 

“No.” 

Henry held up his hands in defeat. “Come on, Duds. We still got time to get to school.” 

Douglas shifted but didn’t move to get down. 

“It’s ok, Duddy.” Beaver urged him, this was his problem after all…whatever the hell it was. 

“Yeah, I’ll stay with him.” Pete rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged when Henry looked back at him. “I already planned to miss today, I don’t mind.” 

“If you’re sure.” Henry paused, just waiting to see if he’d change his mind. 

         ______________________________________________________

Pete Moore took a calculated risk. 

“You know…it’s okay if you like Jonesy.” 

Beaver looked up from his swinging legs and crossed his arms. “What do you mean? Of course I like Jonesy. I’m just mad.” 

“No, I mean. Like-like.” How pathetically juvenile, Pete thought to himself. 

This time Beaver paused, eerily silent for what felt like an hour but was really just three minutes. “I don’t….I–” 

“Before you say anything–” Pete held up his hands. “I’m not accusing you. I’m just saying it’d be ok.” He wondered if he was going about this all wrong. What an idiot he was. 

Beaver narrowed his eyes. “What are you saying, dude?” 

He shrugged. “Listen Beav, over the past few months I discovered something about myself.” Really, telling his friend this should’ve been nervewrecking but as Pete sat up in the tree with the sun on his back, he felt strangely calm. “I’m bisexual–And I’m telling you this because you’re one of my best friends and I know you’ll be ok with it, right?” 

“Of course.” Beaver nodded. “...Jesus Christ Bananas, Do you think I’m bi?” 

Pete smiled because how could you not with the Beav around. “Only you can tell me.” 

Beaver opened his mouth, that pinched feeling in his gut loosening …

“Boys! What are you doing up there?” 

“Crap.” 

         ______________________________________________________

“Rich, your husband—” 

Richie blinked, the joke he was in the middle of rehearsing fell from his lips and he turned just in time to see Eddie rushing onto the stage with his cellphone at his ear. For a moment, his stomach dropped. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong. A rush of the horror attacked him. Something happened at home, worse yet…IT’s come back…

“Richie, I gotta go home. I’ll be back in time for the show.” 

“What why?” 

“Our kid’s in a tree.” Eddie sighed like that explained everything and turned his attention back to the phone. 

“Like…stuck? Like a cat?” Richie was confused as all hell. 

         ______________________________________________________

Wednesday Morning 

Beaver was grounded for cutting school and missing his test and he had to agree, it was fair. Was he happy about it? No. But he accepted the punishment alright. 

But approaching one o’clock in the morning, a gentle knock came at Richie and Eddie’s bedroom door. Richie snored right through it but his husband got up and shuffled over. “Joey?” He rubbed his eye as his son stepped into the room, clad in his pajama pants. “What are you doing up?” 

“Can I talk to you guys about something?”

Eddie moved to and turn on the light before leaning over his husband and shaking him gently. Richie woke easy enough and put on his glasses in a blur of confusion. “Of course you can talk to us.” 

“Yeah kiddo.” Richie coughed into an awake state and sat up. 

Beaver sat on the edge of the bed, stared at them behind his large glasses and spoke with some hesitation. “How did you know that you liked each other?”