#all u can think about is what you would've done differently which makes the chapters seem less good

[lunammoon]

Honestly sometimes I consider rewriting the second half of chapter one. It's not like BAD, but i don't feel like it's AS good, especially knowing what I know now about writing and how I've improved in the past nearly four years. And also little crumbs of foreshadowing. And I feel like Ten's reaction to Marion being frightened of him at first should've been different from what he was.

Also want I want to lowkey retcon the "Sky" remark

[chloeangelic]

😭Why am I crying in the club rn?😭

Listed by author in alphabetical order cause I'm an organized bitch, here are the fics that made me Sit And Think™️ (or cry) in 2023, or

✨ my top 5 gut wrenching authors selection ✨

featuring @atinylittlepain @cherubispunk @macfrog @netherfeildren and @5oh5 🤍🤍🤍

Everyone knows I love angst, I love terrible gut wrenching pain and suffering and then I love it when my tears are drying on my cheeks and they fuck nasty, hell yeah 😎

So if you're like me, here are some recommendations!!

💙 @atinylittlepain

Deliver Me From Nowhere

Read the whole thing in one night and cried repeatedly during. I had it looming in the back of my mind for weeks but didn't feel like I was in the right headspace until I suddenly was, and it hit differently. I love Dolores, I love Joel, I love how he sees her, their dynamic, the exploration of her emotions and headspace, her body language. Fantastic. Want to cry just thinking about it so I'm gonna STOP.

June

Sat and stared at the wall for a long time after this one, then worked up the courage to post TMWH which I seriously don't think I would've had the guts to post had it not been for June. I love how it handles a sensitive, painful, and very real subject, I love that it doesn't paint Joel as a fixer or savior but rather a realistic, kind partner. Again, his understanding of her and how he makes space for her is something I appreciate so much in DMFN and June.

💗 @cherubispunk

Cherub

This one is an excruciating Sit And Think - I didn't cry but I sat there paralyzed for 48 hrs with a thousand yard stare, just thinking intensely about it, after my second read through. Two chapters and I'm already messed tf up over it!! I read them in the middle of the night and then during the day and I have never been this messed up over something labeled PWP before. The passion, the ominous vibes, Cherub being so soft and Joel having this strange dark vibe... I literally just thought about it constantly for two days and I still can't fully put my finger on why. It just slithered into my brain and I still think about it often and go back to read bits and pieces like a little treat.

💚 @macfrog

All Three Dogs

Max posted this on my most depressed day of 2023 so like fuck you ??? I'm sorry like this is phenomenally written and stunning but like what the fuck is wrong with u i'm not even giving u any more compliments on this one bruv sorry you made me like a DBF series and that's a mortal sin so YOU'RE DONE !!! Fucking dead mackerel eyes speak into the mic bitch chicago sunroof 1 after magna carta i am not crazy squat cobbler jesus christ marie lookin ass

Sweet Child O' Mine - particularly pt ii

This one is so cute and yet it hurts so much. It's so real, the MC is so... I don't even know what to say, she's so on her own and she seems so kind and selfless and it just hurts to think about her cause you can feel her love for her child and for Joel and ugh. She tries so hard to be the best person she can be for everyone and it's one of those situations where nobody is doing anything wrong and yet everyone either is already hurt or gonna get hurt, and I think it's that oscillation between love and hurt that really gets me. I also read this in the middle of the night and all I had to say in my RB was like "thanks for making me cry asshole" (I'm known for my profound commentary).

💜 @netherfeildren

Fear of God - particularly the epilogue

Fear of God is my all-time fav Joel series, the best Joel characterization I've come across and it generally set the tone for my taste in fic. It was the second series I started reading on here when I came back to Tumblr, and it's the first piece of writing that has ever truly moved me. His character arc is absolutely INSANE !! I made the mistake of reading the epilogue while listening to Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish, and for months I couldn't listen to it without crying. The day before my graduation, I kept listening to it on repeat in some strange form of self-torture and I had to explain to my bf why I was sobbing. Try to explain all of FoG in a coherent way through tears, I dare u ! I can't say much without spoiling but basically when I think back on getting into fanfic, FoG is what marks the beginning for me and I will never ever forget this piece of writing ever in my life. (Shoutout to when I got caught getting a nut off to one of the FoG extras - I can't really talk about the series without mentioning that)

The Cassandra Complex - particularly ch I, ch IV, and ch VIII

I didn't give much of a fuck about Din before TCC cause i saw him as like a taller hotter R2D2 and now here I am... Eating my words like a ration pack. I have to do a big girthy throbbing TCC reblog cause I have a lot to say about my fav series in the world but basically I can't read ch 4 without crying and even though this is a Star Wars fic and it makes no sense for me to relate to it the most out of anything on Vic's ML, sith girly is the most relatable MC thanks to her constantly feeling haunted by her past, feeling like she's hiding, feeling unworthy, torpedoing herself, and seeing so much beauty in others but struggling to see it in herself. I'll save the rest of my thoughts for the big RB but basically I've even cried at the fucking SMUT in this series like I'm on another planet when I read it (haha get it?? cause Star Wars??)

🧡 @5oh5

From Eden

Staring At The Wall Saturdays again - I hate how much I see my younger self in little sunflower girlie, I hate that I recognize how trapped she feels in her marriage. It's such an accurate portrayal of feeling chained to a man who doesn't deserve you, and of how guilty you feel for not even acting on feelings for someone else yet but just recognizing within yourself that you deserve better, like that pain of accepting that you're not treated right and that visceral feeling of unfairness that comes with being in the wrong relationship. The guilt you feel for even just thinking it, you know? And having to recognize how you've been treated. Ugh. Also this Joel is... His mannerisms are... I.... I'll be right back-

And now, for the most important award ever. The winner of

🏆Biggest Chloe Tear Jerker 2023🏆 is...

🎉 @netherfeildren 🎉 and this is her 24/7

[hide-in-imagination]

What do u think abt simbar ( ik that u LOVE simbar but i wanna know ur opinion)

Hm. This is a very interesting question. I take it from your clarification that you're expecting a more in-depth opinion than me just loving them.

Alright, everyone, go grab a glass of your favorite beverage and some biscuits— This is gonna get long.

What do I think about Simbar? I think many things, some from an 'inside the show world' perspective and some from 'outside the show' perspective.

From an 'outside the show' perspective, I feel like the way the writers first approached it was very... basic. Like, they weren't very imaginative in how to bring them together. If you check their scenes in season 2, most of them are almost copy-paste.

Ámbar: *Feels bad* | Simón: *comforts her* | Ámbar: I feel so alone. | Simón: You're not alone.

Like...seriously, couldn't the writers come up with different dialogues? It's a little cringe to watch. I wonder if the actors didn't question why their lines were always the same in every script.

Now, there are three instances in which I think they did it right. The first one was when Ámbar first approaches him and asks him to help her rehearse her song. This works because 1- We, the audience, know she's actually just plotting to eventually use him against Luna. 2- Music is Simón's domain, an intrinsic part of him that Ámbar has witnessed but never really seen up close, she's never really talked to him about it or wondered how he sees music, how he feels it. This scene works because we get to see Ámbar coming in with one clear objective (scheme and manipulate) and walk out with a different view of Simón (someone who cares about putting their heart into every performance, feeling the lyrics and conveying real emotion). All meanwhile Simón 1- has no idea he was ever part of some plan, and 2- doesn't see he has done anything out of the ordinary: he's just being himself.

Which brings us to the second scene which I think works: when he convinced her to sing with that strong eye-shadow make-up Jazmín put on her. This scene works because they're both being themselves: Ámbar worried about her image/how she's perceived, Simón being like "?? First of all, that doesn't matter, what matters is the music you make, and second of all, you look great ?? It's literally impossible for you to look bad in anything ??"

Which, coming from anyone else would be obvious flirting, but Simón is just being Simón. He's sincere and optimistic and has different priorities than caring about image all the time, the main one of those being music, and he's a good person, a genuinely good person of the sort Ámbar has, unfortunately, not met many before. If it had been any other guy just flirting, Ámbar would've just shrugged it off because she's used to that, she's used to compliments that expect something from her, but Simón is just being honest and supporting her going after her dreams for her sake, not because he's interested in getting anything from her, and I think that rattles Ámbar, in a good, unexpected way.

The third moment that worked was when Simón went looking for her during the Vidia competition and then they sang together. Now, the reasons for this are pretty much the same stipulated above, it's kinda self-explanatory, but I will add that I think this was the moment Simón fell in love with Ámbar, when he sang with her. I think I've mentioned this before, and I know I've written it in chapters you guys haven't gotten to see yet. In fact, I think I'll just copy and paste what I've written and put it here. Consider this a snippet from the future.

****She had taken all of her feelings and turned them into song, poured them through her voice, through her eyes that shined with contained tears. She had smiled at him as she sang them, and he had thought— How can someone look so fragile and so strong at the same time? How could someone express so much with just her voice? How could someone smile like that?

How can she be so beautiful?*****

Basically, he just absolutely admires her strength. Her vulnerability, her bravery, her ability to smile through adversity and sound more beautiful than ever. Of course he would lose his heart through music. Of course the moment Ámbar followed his advice and sang from her heart he would fall irrevocably in love with her.

(THE ADVICE HE GAVE HER IN THE FIRST SCENE I MENTIONED. SEE? IT ALL COMES TOGETHER)

*cough* Okay, setting that fangirling aside, let's continue.

From an 'inside the show' perspective, or maybe a mix of inside and outside, I think if you really start analyzing the dynamic, it can be a little... problematic.

I'll get to the main issue later, but first, it all starts with the question... Why did they fall for each other?

And here's why the shameless copy-paste the writers did in season 2 is so annoying, because they drilled us so much with the whole 'I'm alone/you're not alone' that the answer to why they fell for each other seems to be "Simón was nice to Ámbar, and Simón liked her because... he felt special???"

Like, it truly seems like Ámbar just started liking him because he consoled her when she was sad, and Simón started liking her because... he's got a hero complex?? He gets off on feeling like the savior?? And this is problematic because, then, would anyone else that had comforted Ámbar have worked just the same?? If Nico had approached her every time she felt sad and comforted her, would Ámbar have fallen for him instead?? And Simón's sudden infatuation with her after seeing her cry just seems like a weird mix of pity/sympathy and 'he just likes her because she's pretty.' Is Simón just attracted to damsels in distress he can help and feel useful? If Jazmín had been depressed and he had consoled her over and over, would he have fallen for her as well or was Ámbar's beauty just a very decisive factor?

And, of course, we are directed to believe that it was deeper than that (and I, as a Simbar shipper, of course think so). The writers want us to believe that they fell for who they truly are, that they saw each other in a deep way and were captivated by the view, that they connected and got to see things differently.

But again, because of how the writers wrote them, it's all just so very tilted to one side. Ámbar's love makes sense because she's never been treated this kindly and she's never been taught to see the world in the optimistic, supportive, not-competitive-perfection-seeking way that Simón does, so she's got a lot to gain from having him in her life, but what does Simón get out of this?

I once read in a 'writing tips' post about how to write good romance that it's not about what they like about each other but 'how them being together makes each other better?'

And this is where the real problematic aspect of Simbar comes in. When you think about it, their dynamic and the entirety of Season 3 falls into the trope 'Good Girl falls for Bad Boy and saves him' just reversed. "Simón likes Ámbar but Ámbar's bad but she's not really bad, she actually has a heart of gold, but she's going to be very mean about it for most of the story until eventually the good boy's influence brings her to the light and they live happily ever after."

It's disgusting to see it this way, but let's be honest here.

I'm not going to delve further into why the trope is problematic (it's not the good girl's responsibility to save him, she's not her therapist, blah blah blah, we've all seen these deconstructions before), I'm just gonna go straight to the question: what does Simón get from being with Ámbar? How is this whole love affair in any way beneficial for him? (Other than the obvious 'get the object of his affections' bit).

Well, my friends, as the simbar shipper that I am, and as the person that I think has written more words for this ship than anyone else, the conclusion that I've reached is that Ámbar makes Simón more selfish in a good way. And this is even explicitly stated in one of their conversations. Simón thinks too much about others for his own good; Ámbar encourages him to focus more on himself. But that transcends to many things. In general, I think Ámbar, with her world-view and upbringing and her qualities, complements Simón in a way that pushes him to be better. She's ambitious, she's cunning, smart, she knows how mean people can be, she's seen how cruel the world can be. Those are very good things to have considering Simón is kinda head-on-the-clouds, dream big, believes in the goodness of humankind or whatever. Not to say that Simón is not smart in his own way or that he's not ambitious, but he doesn't see goals like Ámbar sees goals, he doesn't see the importance of putting himself first like Ámbar has done all her life, and at the same time, he regulates those sides of Ámbar so that she's a bit more selfless, a bit more optimistic, a bit more relaxed about things. Ámbar brings reality checks to the table and puts him first more than he does himself, while Simón brings the love and support she should've but never had and helps her enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, the ones you can't buy and that have nothing to do with image.

But the writers' execution is atrocious. Simón sounds so preachy most of the time, and Ámbar looks for all the world like she just changes her ways to get the D and not because she truly saw the error of her ways. The first part I think it's fine because Simón needs flaws anyway and I've kinda gotten used to calling him a self-righteous bitch (affectionately), but Ámbar's redemption arc could've been handled better and I think we all agree on that.

Overall, in spite of all that I said, their dynamic is not terrible— If it were, I wouldn't ship them. They did lean into a toxic trope a lot though. But fortunately both have too much personality to completely fall into it: Simón is not just 'the good, virginal girl'; he stands up for himself and stands up for injustices, he saw right through Ámbar at the beginning of season 3 and told her to her face he wouldn't go along with her games, he's got too much of an idea of right and wrong to let the 'bad boy' trample all over him, and he's got aspirations of his own that don't revolve around the romantic interest (regardless of the Roller Band not getting the recognition THEY DESERVED). Ámbar, on her part, is not just 'uwu my parents traumatized me so I'll justify being a little shit to everyone around me, sniff sniff'. Do I even have to explain the complexity of her character? I think there are too many posts already about that. I'll save myself the essay.

So. What's my opinion on Simbar, anon? I think it's a very great ship, but more because of the characters themselves than the delivery (aka, the writers' flawed work). Which is precisely why it is so much fun to write fanfiction about them, because you can do better, and it's sooo satisfying.

Now, I'll finish this with a little defense of the writers because I feel like I've been shitting on them for fifteen pages front and back. They were writing a soap opera. For kids. Literally for small children from ages 7 to above. Did they have to make things complicated? No. In fact, the simpler probably the better. And they also had to write a fuck ton of scripts in record time, many of them on the run while the show was being filmed (at least that's my experience from the inside of a telenovela's writers room). So, I think it's understandable if they did copy-paste. And I think it's also understandable if their plots were not fault-proof because they were not meant to be in-depth analyzed by grown-ass adults.

That was my Ted Talk for today. It's currently 2:03 am here and I can't believe I've been writing this answer for three hours. Actually? Scratch that, I can totally believe that, it sounds like me.

Thanks (I guess?) for the question, anon. I hope my answer satisfied you.

[skywalker-swift]

I posted 14,471 times in 2022

104 posts created (1%)

14,367 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@howlscastle

@mari-wrongway

@krysten-knitter

@reputation

@eclipsedsuns

I tagged 1,526 of my posts in 2022

#star wars - 325 posts

#taylor swift - 202 posts

#marvel - 93 posts

#luke skywalker - 75 posts

#dinluke - 67 posts

#mcu - 63 posts

#din djarin - 58 posts

#ofmd - 55 posts

#tbobf - 54 posts

#tbobf spoilers - 48 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i hope it's a test to show grogu healthy attachment and like show grogu that he can have a relationship wiht his father but still let him g

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

some of these reactions to Midnights tells me that some of you really have a narrow view of what music can be and what genre can be. i see so many people saying it's a pop album so this lyricism is too much, which is just... weird cause a pop song can have depth??

19 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

#4

swifties i am giving you all hot chocolate!! with marshmallows, would you like sprinkles?? we have red and green and blue and white, which ever you prefer :) if you don't like hot chocolate, we have some tea!! would you like milk and sugar??? anyways stay warm and cozy :) ly

19 notes - Posted November 18, 2022

#3

Chapter 9 of wreck my plans, that's my man is out!

Summary: Luke Skywalker-Naberrie is sent on a diplomatic mission to Mandalore, on behalf of the Republic. He plans on getting the work done and leaving as soon as he can after the two years is up, but that was before he meets the Mand'alor.

Excerpt under the cut:

“We’re getting married,” Luke whispers, unable to hide the joy in his voice.

A laugh escapes Din, who nods his head, saying, “Yeah, we are, we’re getting married.”

Luke pictures a smile pulling across Din’s face, with soft rosy lips being at the center of it all. Tears prick his eyes when he realizes that the moment is coming when he’ll get to look into Din’s eyes, pick out every shade that swims in those depths, trace his fingers across his cheekbones, and eyes running over every piece of the man he loves. He’ll commit it all to memory, Luke swears to it.

“I love you,” Luke says, and Din brings a hand up to the back of Luke’s head.

23 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

#2

Out of curiosity, are there any songs off Midnights that you're feeling for any Star Wars characters and/or ships?

i love u anon, i am giving you kisses for asking me this question!!

here's a list from my like two listens:

you're on your own, kid IS a skywalker song, all of the skywalkers, anakin, leia, luke, rey!!! all these orphans but like yeah

i feel like luke and leia would probably relate to anti-hero!! especially luke and he probably thinks about vader, but i don't think it's a vader song, I think it's an anakin song if that makes sense

lavender haze is a dinluke or an anidala song, ESPECIALLY anidala, from padme's prospective

vigilante shit is the song of the rebellion idk if that makes any sense but also it is a fennec song i can't explain it

Mastermind is all the couples bc how cute

Sweet nothing i feel like is a Main Couple Song, like anidala, hanleia and for me dinluke!!

Im sure that Rey relates to would've, could've, should've bc of her and kylo BUT also i don't like ben, so I view their relationship differently then some people, so if you do, please ignore this! i am not a hater

Bejeweled is for my girls Leia and Padme because of how sparkly they are and how they know they are the shit while also having a breakdown

that's all i have for now, please ask me again in like a week because I have only had the chance to listen to a lot of the songs once or twice and i was EXHAUSTED! but i love this album it is sparkly and dreamy and dark but it's is a mirrorball album, it is sparkling in the night sky, my moon. i love it! thank u for the ask :)

24 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

what i love the most about The Seven from D20 is that you can just feel the love the characters have for each other and how unabashedly like... feminine?? 'i am like other girls', it feels you know? like all the maidens are different from each other but they all just care about each other. I have only seen that kind of friendship in female friendship???

153 notes - Posted January 31, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[tsukidrama]

Hi, hi, hi, hi! Pink Anon here, guess who has two thumbs and got COVID-19? This girl. Sorry for going MIA for a while there, it was physically draining to even use my phone! I'm cool now, I feel normal, I'm writing again!

I'm really happy you liked my requests! I'm looking forward to seeing them go to he beach and having some sort of picnic, like I've said they really deserve it. I'm not complaining about the spoilers, I'm waiting to see how it all plays out, especially after last chapter. Boy did it ruin me. Specifically this part, "'I’m not taking a break! I’ve been training this whole time,' Annie pleads, terrified." Made me put my phone down and realize just how severe Annie's trauma really is, holy shit. You really managed to capture that fear perfectly, being scared of your parents/an authority figure. It feels different than other fears, I think. I don't have the most experience with it, but with the little bit I do, it really seems accurate and that's what's really heartbreaking about this chapter. Completely destroyed me.

ah, shit. noooo, i remember what it was like to be sick like that. at one point i don't think i moved out of the same spot for 2 days. i'm glad that you seem to be feeling better now at least! i hope everyone close to you is okay, too.

of course dear! i'll likely do an otbp with a picnic relatively soon, and i'll make them go to the beach in the main TRNT story 💘

it never stops hurting. FUCKK ME. Annie is and always has been the queen of repression - and even if she started thinking about her dad differently and in a positive light after she left on her mission, she still spent 11+ years living with him when he didn't give a shit about her. she's got to have complicated feelings about him but she pushes away the bad thoughts and memories because she wants to be loved so badly. she's so tragic,,, i can fix it for u babey.

both of them are perfectly fine with leaving the past in the past but IT MAKES ME SO MAD. don't get me wrong i love Papa so dearly. probably more than a lot of people do tbh, but it also pisses me off that there's been no plot to address all his unforgivable crimes against baby Annie. writing ch 9 was insane because on one hand i was writing through my own tears, but on the other i kind of felt like Papa gets what he deserves :/

on one hand i kind of hate him and i hope he suffers for the rest of his life but also in TRNT he is genuinely a really positive father figure. but it's MEANT to be extremely conflicting, he is hated for good reason. at this point, TRNT Papa really isn't even the same character anymore, but it's also the only version of him that i'm willing to accept.

"'You can rest. You’ve done perfectly,' he says. '...I have?'" OW. I feel like I've seen other people talk about this line, but god does it hurt a lot. Annie questions Papa twice when he tells her to rest, which really shows just how cemented in her head training was. She wasn't allowed to take breaks, so even when he explicitly tells her she doesn't think she can, she doesn't even know how.

IMMMM SSORRRRYYYY i know, i know. that's why he HAD to be the one to go out and calm her down. nothing that reader could've done would've helped no matter how hard she tried, because Papa was the only one Annie needed comfort from right then.

of course she doesn't know what to do -- she's never taken a moment to just rest for her entire life. even whenever she moves out to the cottage she's still bouncing off the walls and constantly finding projects to distract herself with. she runs from her problems until it literally destroys the heart of the home.

there are like 3 different lines during that scene that hit me in the gut every time. basically everything tbh, but especially all of the spoken dialogue. the bit that personally gets me the most is when they both go quiet, then reader peeks around to see that he's crying and struggling to say "i love you." LIKE BITCH. KILL ME NOW. i'm going to eat glass.

Even how the chapter is ended was amazing(ly sad), I really enjoyed reading the whole thing. When I got the notification, I literally jumped out of my chair. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter, if this is Annie's rock bottom, she can only get better, right? I hope so. Overall, I'm very satisfied. Another utterly devastating chapter, in the best way possible.

the next chapter (10) will mostly be addressing the fallout of what happened in ch 9. some hard conversations that are going to take place in the next couple chapters but i swear to GOD that it doesn't get any worse. it's uphill from here, which is honestly so exciting for me because i never thought this series would grow into what it is.

no way is it going to be worse than this. that mess what all the angst i've been alluding to for months lol. IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT THOUGH, YOUR OPINIONS AND FEEDBACK MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!!

On another note, I'm not writing as much as I'd like. School, coronavirus, and I'm also joining a soccer team? Out of character, but it is a good distraction. I've been getting into sports lately, so much so that part of me wants to write an Annie x reader where her and the reader are on some sort of team. If I can find the time, of course. I'm just trying to decide what sport she would play.

you don't have to be writing every second of every day! it sounds like you have a lot going on. i'm not too sporty myself but i would absolutely go to your soccer games and cheer for you.

HONESTLY I SWEAR I'M NOT EVEN SAYING THIS BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S YOUR SPORT, BUT SOCCER IS A GOOD ONE. she's fast/small and it's canon that a lot of the fighting she does uses her legs. AND THE UNIFORMS. i support you doing a soccer au for maximum self insert potential. Annie is your soccer gf who always holds your hand on the bus on the way to games. she always runs to you when you're tired or when you've fallen just to make sure you're alright.

my top sport for Annie is always boxing. and another idea that goes hand in hand with this, is illegal cage fighting aksdjfdk, HEAR ME OUT. she's so good that she could make a living off of placing bets on herself. bitch would be the reigning champion, she's a fucking maniac. it also has lots of good potential for fics where her significant other is fussing over her tending to her injuries.

Hm, another song recommendation that fits the fic (by the way I loved the link to Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA, I could totally see the connection, as sad as it is), April Come She Will by Simon and Garfunkel. The soft, summer vibes of the song fit the cottage setting, I think. It's a short song, but one that I love nonetheless.

i actually had a difficult time picking out a song for this chapter. i almost released it with no song at all, but then i had an abba playlist on while doing the dishes or something and next thing i know i'm crying. that song from Papa's POV really hurts in a special, evil type of way, huh? i'm devastated over it.

and re: the song, YOU'RE SO RIGHT. not even just the soft vibe of the song but the lyrics - it reminds me of how things are slowly going askew for them despite both putting forward effort. it's a bit of a sad song with it ending where it does but i definitely agree that it very much fits the vibe, added to my trnt playlist. i just wish that the song went on a little bit longer so things could be fixed lol.

Have a nice day <3,

Pink Anon

you too! and again sorry for the delay i just wanted to have the mental energy to have a good response

[atsumwah]

suna special (ybwm alternate version)

featuring : suna rintarou x f!reader

warnings : none rlly

notes : hello! so basically this is an alternate version of ybmw in the form of a one-shot. i tried my best to keep it canon to the story but added things that u might've seen if was a suna route. i thought of doing two routes in the beginning but that would've been too much work and i know i wouldn't be committed to it. i hope this makes up for it tho! takes place at chapter 15 and onwards btw

what u should know: this can be read as a one shot too so all u need to know is that reader and suna are best fiends && in a fake relationship.

dt : @rintah0e & @sunarinsbubs bcs without u both i wouldn't have written this in the first place <3

suna made you feel comfortable.

which is why entering a fake relationship with him was easy for you to adapt to. 

nothing major changed between the two of you, minus the title you both held for each other and despite that it rolled off your tongue quite easily. you'd always thought suna would make a good boyfriend for someone, someday, so technically fake dating him was more like a trial run for the both of you.

a trial run that looked more like the real thing, you thought.

you took in the nicely decorated set up suna had worked hard on and you couldn't help but feel amazed. even if this was a fake date, another plan to strengthen the lie you both built, it was honestly the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you. 

when he first texted you about a date, your first thought was another night of hanging out in your pajamas, talking for hours as you both sat and ate a bunch of junk food. that was the suna you knew. 

but seeing him preparing a late night picnic under the stars with all your favourite food adorned with those beautiful fairy lights he must've got tangled in once or twice while setting it up— that was the suna you're unfamiliar with but the suna you want to get to know more of.

and you did. 

the past few months had been a blast, especially with your best friend by your side. but there was something that was bugging you at the back of your head. 

it was nothing new but you began to notice the slight difference in the way he treats you after becoming his fake girlfriend. or maybe you were the one who felt like it was different.

like, take the way he walks home with you. ever since that day, you find him grabbing your hand and holding it throughout your journey home, claiming so people would believe you both even more. and when he sits next to you at lunch, which again was nothing new, but now he's form a habit of pulling you by the waist so there was no gap between you two as you ate. and the way he keeps his arms around you all the time when you're walking through the hallway, or even just chilling in the library, making sure to always lean down to your ear when he spoke to you. and the way he presses a kiss on your forehead when he knows people are watching, teasing you that it was a chance to show you off.

all those gestures, whether intentional or not, makes you think there was something deeper behind all of it.

but it's suna. suna, your best friend. 

you can't possibly have developed a crush on him right?

no, that would be impossible. you've never seen him as anything more than that. 

"you've got that face on again." 

you whipped your head towards the said brunette who was casually leaning by the doorframe.

"what face? also you could've knocked first, you know?" you said as you put your bag down on one of the bleachers.

"where's the fun in that when I could surprise you?" he smirked, taking a seat as he tugged your hand to bring you closer to to him. "you think I don't know when you're thinking hard? what's on your mind?"

"nothing." you said.

"tsk. it's not good to lie." 

"yeah well it's not important. anyways, where are the rest? practice starts in a few." you said, in hopes of changing the subject.

suna eyed you suspiciously before answering. "dunno. my class finished early so I went here."

"I thought you'd walk with the twins."

"yeah but then I wouldn't get to spend some alone time with you." 

you purse your lips to keep yourself from smiling." have you always been a flirt, rin?"

"only with you, babe." he winked, making your heart flip, a common reaction that's been happening these past couple of days.

it was impossible to like him, right? 

before you could say anything, the door opened and the rest of the team began to slowly fill the gym. they all saw you and suna sitting close by the bleachers and couldn't help but let out a few hollers at the two of you.

"are we interrupting your date, sunarin?" osamu teased as he walked past you both. 

"if I say yes, can I skip practice?" he said,  voice as monotone as ever. 

"as much as i support you both, no." came kita's voice not so far from behind the grey haired twin. 

"well,  I tried babe." suna said, with your hands still in his. "we still on for that date later, right?"

"you never asked me on a date." you teased, trying to let hsi hand go but he still kept a hold of you.

"i'm asking you right now. so how bout it?" he pulled you closer, making your footsteps stumble as you stood directly in front of him now. he kept his hand intertwined with yours, staring down at you with a small smile on his face. 

"sure." you smiled in return. 

suna brought your hand up and kissed the back of it, lingering for a few seconds before finally pulling away.

"oi, we're warming up here. save your love story for later!" 

you let out a laugh when you heard osamu calling you both from a distance. 

"watch me while I play, baby." he said with a wink,  then jogged off to join the team. 

you find yourself smiling and involuntarily touching the spot he kissed— before the whistle blows out and interrupts your beating heart. 

***

at first you thought maybe the silly crush would go away. but the longer the facade went on, the more you feel that lying to yourself was a stupid thing to do.

which is why you found yourself on yachi's balcony, staring into the night sky and taking in the calming view that miyagi had to offer as you tried to sort out your thoughts.

yachi had brought up a good point to you when you spent the day with them and you can't seem to get it out of your head. she said that it was so obvious to all of them, she didn't know why it took so long for you to realize it too. 

to realize that you're in love with your best friend.

you should feel elated because all your life, you've longed to be with someone that understands you, that knows you and accepts you for who you are. that makes you laugh when you're feeling down, that's always there to pick up your calls at 3 in the morning when you can't sleep, that makes you happy than anyone else.

who better than suna— rin, to be that person for you, right?

but you're scared. you're scared because of all the reasons you've stated above. what if you ruin a good thing? what if it's just all in your head?

but what if it wasn't? what if you had a chance? what if you took a chance?

if you confessed and he felt the same way, then you both could be dating for real. but if he doesn't, well, he wouldn't just stop being friends with you, right?

the sound of the sliding door opening interrupted your thoughts— lo and behold, it was the man of the hour.

"atsumu and hinata shouldn't be allowed together. ever." he said as he settled next to you with a shake of his head. "I can barely tolerate one, now two?"

"so you left hitoka all alone?" you replied, eyes still looking forwards.

"she's got samu. she'll live." he shrugged it off, like it was nothing. "are you having fun here?"

"mhm. I missed hanging out with them and it's nice coming back here. almost feels like home." you said, turning your head to look at him only to find he was already looking at you.

he smiled at your response, nodding his head along after too. 

even when he's clad in an old band t shirt with a pair of checkered pajama pants and his hair ruffled from what you assume came from him lying on the floor— he still looks good.

"take a picture, it'll last longer." he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows in the process.

you stuck your tongue out, "please, my phone is already filled with your selfies."

"never knew you were obsessed with me."

"if anything, you're obsessed with my phone camera."

"or maybe I'm just obsessed with you." 

you fought off a smile. "you can't just say things like that. I thought we've gone over the rules."

"ah yes. flirt with you only when necessary." he said with his hands in air quotes. "but what if it's necessary now?"

what?

"how is it necessary now?" you raised an eyebrow at him, a feeling of hope surging in you. does he mean what I think he means?

you saw him opening his mouth to say something, only to close it back again as he turned away from you. "I mean I gotta practice for the future. I'll meet someone someday, you know."

right. that's what he meant. 

"yeah, right." you replied, shoulders hanging low as you propped your chin up on your palm. "so I guess we should think about breaking up soon, huh?"

he looked taken aback by that. "where did that come from?"

"the last couple of months have been fun but you're right. someday we're gonna meet people and I guess we shouldn't keep this going on for too long."

"that's not what I meant," he said, looking at you with a serious expression, "we shouldn't break up."

"people aren't bothering me as much as they did before so if you're worried about that—"

"I'm not worried about that. we're just in this together, alright?"

"it wouldn't be fair for you, though."

"I don't care. and you never said that before so why now?"

"maybe I changed my mind on it." you said, eyes avoiding his.

"if you're worried about that, don't bother. we're not breaking up."

"c'mon rin." you tried again.

"we're not breaking up." he replied, arms crossing in front of his chest.

"if not soon, then when?" 

"we'll figure that out when we get back then." 

"why not just decide now?"

"why are you stubborn on this?"

"because at least it'll be easier for me to get over you."

you saw how his eyes slowly widened, realizing what your words meant. 

"...the heck does that mean?"

you couldn't help but roll your eyes at his bluntness. typical rin.

there's no point in denying it, you thought.

you turned your body to look at him, twiddling with your fingers as you finally faced the truth.

"I like you. a lot " you started off, " more than I should. more than I thought I did."

there was a beat of silence before he bursted out laughing.

you pushed him by the shoulder not even a second later. "don't be an ass about it." 

you feigned off being angry when in reality it really stung at how he just laughed at your feelings. you knew you two were close but words, or in this case, actions still hurts. you felt his cold fingers grasping your chin suddenly and before you could question him— his lips were already on yours.

he's never kissed you before, not even while you were fake dating, so to be honest, you don't really know what to do. 

but the moment he pulls you closer, pecking your lips slowly before diving in for more— you can't help but melt and reciprocate with just as much as fervor. grabbing him by the collar, you pulled him closer if possible, closing your eyes as you savoured the feeling of his soft lips on yours.

you both pulled away a moment later, foreheads touching one another as you stared into each others eyes.

"why did you think I didn't want to break up?" he whispered. 

"I thought you'd feel bad about it?" you answered honestly.

he chuckled, "I like you too, idiot. I thought it was obvious enough."

"which part of it was obvious?" you said, a grin making it's way to your face.

"oh my god i'm in love with a dumbass." he groaned, though you couldn't help but smile more.

"oh so you're in love with me now?"

"shut it. you're in love with me too."

"I said I like you." 

"that can change if I play my cards right."

you giggled then hid your face in his neck. maybe fake dating your best friend wasn't such a bad idea after all.

[mallowstep]

What characters in Warriors would you change by personality/development? Since there are a lot of Warriors that had lost potential, which ones do you think would've turned out to be AMAZING characters if they had more care given to them?

lmao i just did the one with bad end-of-arc stuff, so this feels fitting.

which, btw, i think these are different things, altho i won't be surprised if we see some repeats

i'm also going to do my best to not include too many background characters, because that's cheating. like yeah, sure, mossyfoot could have been a fantastic character but like she has like five lines in mistystar's omen, y'know?

and as before, if you want detailed discussion of anyone, send me an ask w one or two characters n i'll ramble on à la what i did for breezepelt anon.

okay, let's go! again, i'll be going roughly chronologically

silverstream. she could have been a lot. actually, silverstream novella would be cool? that would be fun.

sandstorm. idk. i just want to see her from someone else's pov, not fireheart. is she in redtail's debt? prob not signficantly

morningflower. i have so many questions. i want answers. i love her. she's so pretty.

deadfoot. i just. i just. he's. he's just. i want. i want. so much was set up in tallstar's revenge and yet. and yet.

until we get leopardstar's honor (and maybe even after, if it's bad), leopardstar.

related, mudclaw. we did get winds of change (which i'm still reading), so that's good! but i haven't finished it yet so it doesn't exist lmao.

mistystar. like. uh. her novella is bad? it's not bad the way leafpool's wish is bad; it's just not enjoyable, imo. but she suffers so much. i want to feel her pain; i also want to mercy kill her.

stonefur! my boy.

tallpoppy.

littlecloud.

BLACKSTAR. we got blackfoot's reckoning (which btw why is it tallstar's revenge but blackfoot's reckoning what? are we getting a blackstar super edition?)

sorreltail.

BRINDLEFACE.

ferncloud! god i love her. she's perfect.

is it cheating to say squirrelflight again? she barely fits on this list but as far as i'm concerned you could never give too much care to her. she's not really on this list i just love her.

ashfoot! ASHFOOT. i do like that she came up in crowfeather's trial tho! just haven't read it.

billystorm. he was in skyclan and the stranger a lot which was good, but i still think he deserved more.

all of the sisters. they're great characters, but you can't have too much of them. okay maybe you can, but we're not even close.

GOLDENFLOWER. GOLDENFLOWER. NUFF SAID.

oh, opposite! snowfur is a really well done character. she's given exactly the right amount of weight and time, very well executed. maybe i'm biased but i think they did a good job with her.

mothwing? uh, i just can't get enough of her but also i think while mothwing's secret made me sob like a baby i think she could have gotten a whole arc and i'd still be saying mothwing but also she deserves more and no we don't count tbc bc that's not my mothwing

WILLOWSHINE. WILLOWBBY.

the oots riverclan apprentices. they make it on this list bc (a) i gave them all personalities and (b) a lot of them have fucked up allegiances. hollowflight, rushtail, troutstream, mossyfoot: i honor you in one bullet point since you're way too minor to get your own.

millie. i haven't read the greystripe graphic novel, but i do try to focus on main arc content for these lists anyway. but millie. kind of.

a moment of silence for every apprentice and queen ever killed for a plot device. swiftpaw, shrewpaw, brindleface, badgerfang, smokepaw, coriander, and more i cannot remember: this one is for you.

moth flight. no, i know she got her own super edition i just. uh. this is a lil personal but as someone with adhd, reading her super edition made me cry. n i want more from her

fuccck okay so i don't remember anything that happened in avos that wasn't violetshine (violetshine) so my avos list is gonna be bad here but. puddleshine.

larksong, or w/e sparkpelt's mate was named.

like most of the great battle casualties.

half moon!

harestar

flametail and dawnpelt.

ANOTHER GOOD ONE: NEEDLETAIL. that's the first needle's name, right? i'm sorry i'm bad with this but anyway. needletail. she was very good. she did suffer a lot because her bonus chapters which. bs can i say. i cannot afford the b&n editions i don't have space or money for physical books. very bs. but needletail.

tawnypelt.

the guardian cats!

the other needle? needleclaw? is it needleclaw? that's a bad name lmao. people complain about twigbranch but like. at least twigbranch has meaning and i think it's cute. needleclaw is just. repetitive for no reason. what, leafstar, are you naming her after sharpclaw? yeah sure i definitely believe you smh.

all of leafstar's kits.

APPLEFUR.

velvet. i loved. just. also moonkitti's velvet is adorable. but legitimately, canon velvet too could have been interesting. mostly through her relationship (i.e., connection, not necessarily romantic) to alderheart.

ALL OF THE UNNAMED KITS.

any deputy who retired or died from normal events. any. deputy.

really the thing with warriors is when you have this many characters, every character is a chance to do something interesting.

like, uh, okay. let's look at birchfall. he's a great example for what i mean here because he's. he's not quite a blank slate but you can still write just about anything and say "look, it's birchfall."

i can make him a good father who dovepaw thinks about and misses in dovefeather:

"How are you?"

"I'm good. I miss all of you."

He purrs. "We miss you too. Whitewing and Ivypaw will be thrilled to see you." He studies her. "Has RiverClan been treating you well?"

"Yeah, I've been learning a lot." She waves her tail, excited. "I even learned how to swim."

Birchfall chirps. "Really? Imagine. My daughter, swimming."

"It's not as hard as it looks," she says. "And the water is warming up."

Birchfall licks her shoulder. "I'm proud of you, you know that? It's not easy to leave your Clan for so long."

just a cute lil convo i haven't posted any wip teasers in a long time.

but that doesn't make it the only way to write him. and i know that's obvious, but like! that's my point. there's almost infinite potential in warriors. i've read fics for canon characters but you feel like you're reading ocs, not in a bad way, they just don't have any personality.

i had to sit down and do character creation strategies for trout, rush, and mossy because they just don't have a lot going for them, canonically. i could have done anything.

so uh? yeah?

as always, thank u for giving me an opportunity/excuse to ramble

<3

[gayhokage]

spoiler free thoughts on mugen train movie: it was great!! stunning animation, great new soundtrack, great voice performances (i watched subbed) paced the story really well. i went in with high expectations and wasn't let down! 10/10 can't wait for everyone to get the chance to watch it :D

spoilers (and more in depth) under the cut:

wanna say that i am being Incredibly nit-picky in some of this. the movie was truly amazing and i enjoyed every second of it. i'm just gonna graze through the manga chapters the movie covered to help myself remember / point out what i liked / disliked

the second demon rengoku killed on the train i didn’t really think was necessary? i think maybe they were just trying to fill up more time, have it make more sense why tanjiro & crew liked / thought rengoku was so cool (it did give rengoku a better chance to show off his power and skill to them for the first time)

the animation used to rengoku’s flames was GORGEOUS (of course) it looked so beautiful

the dream sequences were done so well!! honestly zenitsu’s dream was super cute and boss inosuke’s and his minions.. inosuke you are so important to me i hope he knows that. THANK GOD for shiny acorns!!! genuinely one of my fav parts in the manga it’s so cute and silly i love seeing inosuke being friends with nezuko

senjurou sounded Nothing like how i’ve been imagining his voice up to this point. i’ve always read his voice as very soft like a younger child since he’s so young and has a kinder nature, so i’m not gonna lie i was a little thrown off by that lol

tanjiro pulling himself into the water in his dream was so beautifully done honestly that was one of my fav scenes just bc it was so pretty

i was pretty upset that the detail about rengoku's spiritual core being brittle was left out, i feel like that's such a Huge detail about his character (since we only get to know him for such a short amount of time) maybe it was mentioned in the film and im just forgetting

nezuko's flames burning around tanjiro during his dream looked So Beautiful i was truly just awed throughout the whole film by how beautiful the animation was

tanjiro’s youngest brother crying when he was trying to leave the dream crushed me honestly that got the water works going lol i know the big moment of that scene was nezuko but; someone in the theater gasped Really loud when nezuko showed up in tanjiro's dream and it added so much drama lol so thank u to that person for upping the emotion

this whole part was the Real tear jerker of the movie^

i wish this scene had more been More? idk i was really looking forward to how this scene would end up in the movie and it was really just tanjiro screaming and then showed blood on the snow. i know it was shown multiple times later during the fight with enmu but. was hoping for something more i guess! esp i think the first time showing it should've been a Big Deal idk

during this scene tho i Loved that there was like a piano version of kamado tanjiro no uta and also a piano / softer version of gurenge; idk which played during these scene but i heard and picked up on both and really loved that

on another soundtrack note: the clarinet (or maybe bass clarinet) that played for what im guessing was enmu's theme was sooo good congrats to any composer that can get me to enjoy the clarinet lol

tanjiro's dream subconsciousness was sooo beautiful and so were the little fire spirits that lived there i think it continued to perfectly capture tanjiro's kindheartedness

tanjiro's nightmare was also so well done. i thought that was one of the best part of the movie tbh

actually my biggest complaint about the movie was how awkward and out of place the 3D / CGI looked compared to season 1 of the anime. the "guts" inside the train just looked really gross and poorly done

[anime vs manga comparison] (also my friend said that enmu made him think of orochimaru LOL)

another thing was the train being covered with enmu's flesh or guts after their head was cut off just looked so gross and weird, i wish that hadn't been changed / added in the movie

and with the weird / gross looking 3D it made tanjiro and inosuke's fight together to find enmu's neck just a little rough to watch. i think it would've been better if there wasn't so much of enmu's flesh all over the train

i wish this had been shown in the movie since it didn't make it into the story of the manga. the movie just showed nezuko burning inosuke and zenitsu with her fire (which is how she woke tanjiro up, so i guess it makes sense that it would work for those two as well)

after enmu was defeated i thought it was insane how clear of an image of kokushibo we got!!! we've only (barely) seen silhouettes of him up to this point in the anime, and since we also got such a clear picture of daki (with season 2 on the way) it makes me excited to think that we will see him in season 2 as well (along with the other upper moons; and hopefully get the whole series animated lol)

the fight against akaza was outstanding and amazing. truly have no words lol. unfortunately i missed a small part of the fight bc i had to go use the bathroom (my friend said i missed the coolest part of their fight) but akaza looked SO GOOD and the fight was so well animated and i Loved akaza's voice - not how i had been imaging his voice but it still fit him so well (wasn't such a major difference like with senjurou lol) and the music that played during their fight was great. the purposeful silence in some parts of their fight was perfectly placed to make it more tense and emotional (also rengoku blocking akaza's punches with his sword. king shit)

i really liked this detail, both with enmu and akaza, that their screams are apparently So Loud, i guess that's something you dont really pick up when you're reading

when rengoku's mother showed up and inosuke started crying that's what really did it in for me lol i tried to keep myself from crying too hard / loud in the theater but i know once i watch it alone im gonna be bawling

where the movie chose to end was really interesting to me. i thought for sure the movie was going to include tanjiro's visit to senjurou so im a little surprised that that's being held off until season 2. it really will make it mandatory for anime viewers to watch the movie before starting season 2

anyways if you read all of this ily and i am kissing you <3

[sauveteen]

like this | s.m

note: so i had this idea, and it isn't really a one shot, just a... concept? if enough people like it/are intrigued i might turn it into a series of slow burn shawn and a soft boy in love. so please lmk if you'd like that! (:

if u like it, just reply & i'll add you to a taglist for chapters wayyy longer than this thingy

“Wha’ d’you mean Aayat likes Noémie?”

“What I just said,” Calum presses, “Aayat. Likes. Noémie. Do I need to spell it out for you? Like in those weddings, all glittery and big on a styrofoam heart? AAYAT WEDS NOÉMIE. SHAWN GETS ROYALLY FUCKED.”

“Shut up,” Shawn seethes, waving his hand around to dismiss his friend, “God, just fucking shut up, Calum.”

“Don't shoot the messenger, dude.”

“M’about to more than shoot you. M’going to…”

“Yeah, think it over,” Calum smirks, bringing his cigarette to his lips, “Your preferred mode of murder is probably tickling. Pussy.”

When Shawn smacks Calum on the head, he simply chuckles, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke back into Shawn's face, who makes a face and leans away, too wasted to do anything else. He feels faint, and not the I'm-drunk-off-my-ass kind, but the numb kind. Like that feeling you get when you know something has gone terribly wrong, and you know there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nada. Zilch. Probably mourn, though, like Shawn currently is. And then decide to shoot the messenger even further, also like Shawn currently is.

“S’you're telling me..,” Bringing a hand up to his head, he runs a hand through his hair, pushing the unruly curls away from his face. He bites into his bottom lip, really craving another bottle of beer as he says, “That Aayat likes Noémie.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Calum mumbles, shaking his head, already regretting being the one who had to bring this up to him. All of his and Shawn’s friends had had a lengthy debate (sans Shawn, of course) about who would be the one to bite the bullet and just tell it to Shawn like it is. Calum, like the dumbass he is, had volunteered. Volunteered. The others weren't willing to do it even when threatened with a stick up their ass. “Yes, Shawn. The girl you're in love with likes your best friend. There, I said it.”

“Uhh..” Shawn scrunches his face, scoffing, “I'm not in love with her?”

“Sure, dude, whatever you say.”

“I am not in love with her. I'm not. I just… think she's cute. But I'm not in love with her.”

“Maybe saying it enough times will help you fool yourself, huh? Heard that's good strategy.”

“Oh my God, Cal,” Shawn’s head drops to his propped up hands as he mumbles into his palms, “Am I in love with her?”

“Would you get her name tattooed on your right ass cheek?”

Shawn lifts his head to give Calum a weird look, like this isn't something they've discussed before. Calum doesn't think Shawn remembers, though, because he was black out drunk when the gang had sat around a patio table and given their two cents about What is Love? Not like any of them had any sort of worthy experience, whatsoever, but it was fun while it lasted. Shawn's contribution had been on the wilder side, proudly claiming, ‘If I fall in love, I'll get her name tattooed on both ass cheeks.’ Calum’s glad he refrained from drinking that night.

“Would you?”

“No?” Shawn sounds unsure, eyebrows furrowed.

“Then you're not in love,” Comes Calum’s simple reply. He taps his cigarette on the lip of the ashtray, watching the gears slowly turn in his friend's head. He knows he should've broken the news at a better time — perhaps a time when Shawn hadn't downed two glasses of vodka and God knows how many bottles of beers, a time when he at least had some of his mental faculties together. Thing is, though, that Calum is shit with emotions. Had he managed to catch Shawn at just the perfect time and made him cry — which he really, really can't put past Shawn — then he would've also done the shittiest job at consoling his friend.

Now, however, Shawn is barely conscious. Some of his words slur together when he talks, cheeks and the tip of his nose rosy and warm. His actions are delayed, soft, like you're looking at him through a vaseline covered screen. The realisation of what Calum’s telling him takes a while to settle in, and even then, he doesn't really grasp the concept in all its shitty, fucked up glory.

“And Aayat wants me to help her win over Noémie?” Shawn echoes what Calum had told him earlier, blinking dazedly to keep his eyes open.

“And Aayat wants you to help her win over Noémie,” Calum nods, confirming his worst suspicions, "She says no one knows Noémie better than you."

“S’fucked up, man,” Shawn mutters, running a hand over his face. He rubs his eyes while softly shaking his head, repeating, “S’fucked up. S’all fucked up.”

“I mean… it could be worse?”

Shawn's eyes fly up to meet Calum’s at a speed he didn't know was possible, squinted in accusation, “How could it be worse? Lit-eral-lly my worst case scenario. Sure, s’also the fear that I'm way out of her league… but this?” His head tilts to the side, helpless gaze focused on nowhere in particular, “Fuck, dude."

"Maybe this is for the best the best. You could try to.. woo her in the process?"

"Woo her with what? My lanky ass body and average personality? M'only defining character trait s'that I can whistle through my ears. And then there's Noémie... fuck. Mie's just.... Mie. I stand zero chance next to her?"

“I don't think you should be comparing yourself to your best friend. Kinda unhealthy.”

“And I don't care you what you think!” Shawn screeches, wagging his finger in Calum’s face, “I really don't. You've got me fucked up real good here, bud-die. Now shut up.”

“But like…”

“Wha’ d’you not get about.. shutting up?” Shawn mutters, “It's literally so easy. You just.. don't talk.”

“Shawn,” Calum exhales heavily through his nose, dropping his cigarette butt to the ground and crushing it under his shoe, “I know this sucks, but chill the fuck out for a second and listen to me. There's no point wailing like a baby if you won't even remember this tomorrow morning.”

“Morning,” Shawn echoes, muttering to himself, “I am mourning.”

“No — morning. Like sunrise, morning. Like AM morning.”

“Yeah, AM,” Shawn muses, “Aayat Mendes.”

“Sometimes I wonder why I bother,” Calum mumbles, and then reminds himself why. He bothers because he loves his friends, and he loves Shawn, and if ever found himself in a situation like this, he'd want his friends to try and console him. The only difference would be the fact that his friends are good at consoling, unlike Calum, who wants to punch anyone who shows any sort of emotion in the throat.

Sometimes he thinks his violent tendencies stem from being around a bunch of meatheads. And then he reminds himself that he's also around Aayat and Shawn just as often, and if their soft asses can't influence him, then nothing can.

“Hey, you,” Calum leans over the table, putting a pause in Shawn's mumbling by softly poking him in the chest, “Now you listen to me.”

Shawn gives him a half hearted hum in reply, pretending to focus his gaze on his friend while his mind wanders. Makes up scenarios. He almost throws up when a picture of Aayat and Noémie holding hands is conjured up in his head. Holding hands — not even kissing, or making out, or sleeping together — just holding hands like two middle schoolers too afraid to do anything else. Or two people in love — that makes Shawn's stomach turn. So yeah, perhaps he is a goner. Perhaps he will die alone with no one no to care for him. Perhaps Calum is shouting in his face right now, and so he really should try to focus.

“....And so what if they're sleeping together, you know? Fucking doesn't equal feelings, believe me—”

The scream that leaves Shawn's lips then has Calum tumbling off his lawn chair, chin hitting the edge of the patio table in the process. His body hits the ground with a loud thud, and groaning, he makes absolutely no effort to get back up.

Shawn's head peeks under the table, eyebrows on the top of his face. Pink, swollen lips parted in surprise. His grip on the table is strong, knuckles turning white in the process as he screeches, “They're also fucking?!”

“I thought you knew that!”

“Does my reaction make you think I knew that!” Shawn all but roars, nudging Calum’s shin with his pointy shoe.

“Everybody fucking knew!”

“Fuck this shit, Calum,” Shawn shakes his head, holding his hand out to help him up, “Fuck everything. And fuck Aayat.”

“Oh, we all know you want to.”

Shawn lets Calum’s hand go and watches his head hit the ground again, a loud shout of protest following soon after, “Dude, fuck you too!”

“Life already has.”

if you're confused please read this!

[wrayghtings]

Chapter End

Summary: Some of what I wish I could say. What I wish I could tell you. There's so much more, but this is what you need to hear most. Maybe one day you'll find this. But our chapter's ended, this is the start of that.

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I wish I could tell you how I'm doing now. Truthfully how I'm doing, not the “alright” in some form or another I always give you when you reach out again. I wish I could say what's actually on my mind. Maybe then you would see why I never reach out. Why you're always the one to make the first move.

The pain I'm left with is so difficult to put into words. I imagine maybe you feel similarly, but I know you don't think the same as I do. I know you feel like we could be friends. I know you feel like we made mistakes that we can get past if we both just tried hard enough. But I know we're toxic. Together, we're disaster. We bring each other down and try to pretend we don't. We distract ourselves with our nerdy interest, our common grounds, and our fake faces.

We were never our real selves with each other. Not fully. We glimpsed each other and chose to believe we hadn't. You kept thinking you could pull me out with enough coaxing, persuasive talks and comfort until it all became too much for you. I saw your frustration more than once. Saw how you'd light up anytime I was having a good day and felt as though you deserved a reward for them. As though my highs were because of you, not for you as they actually were.

I felt like I was a toll on you. A burden. Something you had to drag around. That my depression was a weight for you to carry and attempt to fix, but it wasn't. You took on hardships you shouldn't have when I asked you not too then used them against me. You pouted more than once. Huffed and shook me in your frustration. Whined about how hard you were trying, but my depression and self esteem were not things that you could mend. You tried in your own way to help, but it wasn't something you could force out of me. Maybe it's not fair that this a major contributor to what made me leave...but I can never forget that look on your face. That look of frustration and anger and disappointment...because I was depressed.

Because I was fucked up.

The day came when you told me that. Fighting in the middle of the night because you made advances towards me I didn't want. Because I was tired and hadn't slept well in weeks, which you knew. I huffed at you one time. One. After all the times you pouted at me and I took it silently, forgiving you because I imagined how frustrating I was. How frustrated you must've been for trying to help where you couldn't. Because I always thought about it from your perspective. I always put you before me.

You know this. I rarely said no. I rarely did stop your advancements because I put you before me. Because I believed I loved you and I was trying to show you that.

The one time I make a sound of frustration, you get angry. We fight. I cry. You yell. You say something that hits me deep and walk away.

“You're fucked up.”

I sit for a time, playing those words over and over in my head. Blankly staring into nothing as the weight of the world seems to cave in on me. Shaking, I dressed and walked right pass you to my car. You rush to me and began to beg me not to leave, putting yourself behind the car preventing me from backing out. It's the first time you've ever heard me scream. It's the first time I ever have screamed at someone like that.

You tell me to leave if that's what I truly want, and when I make to do so, you again jump behind my car. Begging and crying, you're asking me to stay, and it seemed as though you didn't hear me begging and crying for you to let me go.

Defeated...I got out of my car because I knew I wouldn't be able to leave without running you over…

I remember you tried talking to me, but what you don't know is how everything went over my head. I sat on the couch numb, imagining myself on the road home and far away from you, letting tears fall silently as I realized how trapped I was.

Somehow, I'm back in bed with you and eventually, I fall asleep, dreaming about bars at every corner and darkness suffocating me. I never told you that because I knew it would hurt you to know what my mind had done to me.

In the morning, you've slept in…

I slept two hours…

It felt as though you thought everything was okay, and when you asked if it was, I told you I'm trying to forgive you. That I couldn't talk about it.

Later, I sleep, and when I wake up I make the decision to put on my face. The fake one. To give you what you want. To see if you would see through it, like you always said you would. That I couldn't wear a mask with you because you could always see behind it.

If you did see through it, you didn't act like it.

And that night, I give you what you want.

I waited until you were asleep then crept into the spare room, where I sobbed until I fell asleep.

That night I knew I would never be the same. We would never be the same. That I had to get away.

I didn't want it to be so, but every time I saw you, I felt anger bubbling in my chest. I felt that hurt resurface, and I still do now.

When I told you it was over, you did everything in your power to deepen the wound. Name calling. Blaming. Guilting. Manipulation. But worst of all, you acted like the bigger person. Like you were still going to be there for me and be a good friend, when I knew you couldn't be. You can't be a good friend when you're always relieved to hear I'm not dating anyone. You can't be a good friend when you're letting your hurt and anger get in the way.

I felt broken before, but this is something different.

I am ashamed to admit to anyone how much it hurts. That I let someone hurt me so deeply. That you had so much control over me…

And the thing is...I don't hate you. I hate myself. I'm angry and wounded in a way I cannot put into words, but I can't find it in me to blame or hate anyone but myself. I have to live with that.

I wish you had let me leave that night. Perhaps some of this hurt would've never happened if you had let me drive off.

There's so much I wish had happened and so much I wish I could say to you. But I'm working through my lesson. We've both started new chapters in our lives, and need to let the one we shared go. Just like you should have let me leave, I hope you close this chapter. That you stop trying to write something that's ended.

Our individual stories aren't over, but our chapter is. I don't have much clue for what I'm writing anymore, and maybe you don't either. I don't need to know your side anymore though. I don't have to see from your perspective any longer. Now it's about me. It's my story and while I have to live with what's already written, I have control over where I go next.

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Also on my fictionpress, along with some other content not posted here :)