#also I am very proud of myself for paying of my house on the second day

[choicesficwriterscreations]

February Creator of the Month: Noesapphic

Each month, CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers or artists, and this month’s creator of the month is the lovely @noesapphic!   The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page. Past COTM's can be found here.

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog Masterlist

How do you want to be known on Tumblr? 

Noe is fine, really!

More below...

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played? 

I started in 2018. I was bored in a friend's house and fighting good old insomnia when I saw the app and tried it for funsies. The first book was 'High School Story'. 

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

I joined around late 2018 early 2019 and I had just left my community in Amino because the admin had gone full puritanical dictator and I was curious about Tumblr.

3- How did you pick your blog name? 

It was simple: my nickname is Noe and I am a sapphic (aka lesbian). It's a no-brainer, really. 

4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!  

It was a reblogged quote. I related to what it said and I reblogged it 

5- Do you write fanfiction, create fan art, or are you one of those really gifted people who do both? 

I write fanfiction. God did not grant me art skills I'm afraid. My fingers are too fat and my pulse is terrible. 

6- How long have you been creating for Choices and for any other fandoms?

I've been creating for fandoms as long as I can remember. I've had a really troubled life, so creating stuff helped me. As for Choices, I've been creating stuff since 2019 

7- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to create for?

Without a doubt, Desire and Decorum. The first book is simply a masterlist and its characters are so well-written, and everything about it just draws me to it. They definitely botched the other books, but it will always be in my heart. I also enjoy creating for other historical books and books that have similar themes 

8- Share your first Choices fanfic or fan art that you posted with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were creating it today?

It was a set of headcanons of Mr. Sinclaire and my MC, Celestine, finding out that they're going to be parents. While my spelling is terrible, I wouldn't change a thing. The engagement I received was such, it drove me to write for more. I haven't stopped creating since. 

9- What your favorite piece of fiction or art that you created? 

It's no secret for anyone who pays attention to my blog: my au, The Cursed Heiress, is probably my best creation. It's complex and a juggernaut of lore and history, and has all I've ever wanted in a fic and book in it. Although a close second is my Tudor AU, For Love and Duty. I simply love the 'arranged marriage' trope 

10- Do you have a fic/art that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to do well but found it could use a little more love?

The second part of a one shot, A True Man, was probably one of the most difficult to write, and with a very traumatising and important theme. I was 100% hoping anon hate telling me to delete it, but found instead that the people ate it up! It has now 30 notes (which is A LOT for a small fandom like the D&D one) and now that I reread it, I'm proud of what I created and the message I wanted to send, which resonates with happenings of my past and experiences. 

11 - If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

Definitely angst. There's something so cathartic and relieving as letting out those emotions you can't express out loud without being locked up for being unhinged, and it has helped me understand myself many times. Also, smut is def something that I can't physically write 😅 

12 - Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

There are small parts of me in every MC. A fragment of my past. Something of their lore that I went through. Something I aspire to be. Something I wanted to be once. I like to think that every writer leaves a part of their heart and soul with each character they create. 

13 - What element of writing/art do you struggle with most?

Ooof, where to begin. I think the hardest part is to just write. I can go on for weeks looking at my turned-off laptop and goof off on Tumblr. But when I do write, the 'boring' parts or writing a character that I am not familiar with or that there isn't much info about can be challenging. 

14 - Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

Oof, where to begin, lol. My modern AUs, The Viscountess and Plan B. There's also Your Most Ardent Admirer and For Love and Duty. There's the fix-it fic series of the Blades LIs. Profiles of my MCs from several series. And also fic ideas that I want to create, but don't know where or how to start it. Woe is me indeed 😭 

15 - If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to see your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you show them first? 

Depends on the person. I would be very, very picky. I did show some parts of The Cursed Heiress to two trusted friends. But I wouldn't be against showing my mom a few chapters of The Viscountess… Unfortunately, she does not speak a word of English and I am terrible at translations, so it's wishful thinking, lol. 

16 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing or art? Are there any artists that influence you?

For the published ones, Holly Black and Cassandra Clare have probably been my biggest help. Leigh Bardugo is also a newer inspo, and Spanish author Laura Gallego got me into fantasy, and anonymous author Bebi Fernández's raw and brutal prose have helped me find my voice. I have now bought George R.R Martin's Game of Thrones, looking for new sources to grasp. 

As for fandom-wise, the very first writer to inspire me unfortunately hasn't been active since the pandemic, and despite our differences, @hellospunkiebrewster 's writing and essays got me into Regency and its history. My thriving years were by her side, and I'm grateful of having had a great fandom friend and hyper. The most recent ones are @missameliep my amazing fandom mom (te quiero mami 🥰) and some pieces by @princess-geek 's writing have inspired me to expand my horizon. 

17- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

The Cursed Heiress, definitely. I think that my messages would resonate with many people. There's also The Viscountess: many people should see the messages Nicole, Anne and others have, and for what I have planned (and have been stalling out of laziness 🫣) would put things into perspective for many minorities and certain groups that are neglected by society and governments alike.  19- Do you write original fiction or create non-fandom art? 

I am now at the outlining stages of making The Cursed Heiress an original novel. I tried many times to make my own novel, but always dropped it. But now that I've been for years with it, I feel like this might be the one project I dreamed of publishing one day. It's tough and scary, but I'm loving the ride so far. 

Also, I have tried my hand with poetry, but it didn't have engagement and felt like talking to a wall, so I now feel discouraged. But if someone out there is interested, lmk 👀 

20-  What other hobbies do you have?

Apart from literature, I love make-up, skincare, cooking and making gifs and videoedits. I also love travelling and discovering new adventures and learning as many languages as I am capable. I also love listening to music. Basically anything that has to do with the humanities and art, I'll take it. Also, I am very invested in modern royal gossip. I know, not very republican of me… 🫣😅 

21 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

Apparently, the one I use the most is 🫡🫶🏻👀. Heh, sounds like me, lol 

22: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

____

Two reminders to both creators and onlookers alike: 

Creators: making content is NOT a race or a chore. It's something you make just because, and share it with the world. If you don't enjoy it, it's not worth the effort. 

Onlookers: I know how much you may love X thing, but remember that behind that art, fic, etc, there's a person with real feelings, real life and that is taking off free time to make something. Enjoy it, reblog it (please, reblog the stuff you love) and if you don't like it, filter the tag, block and move on. It's really that simple. 

Also, happy Valentine's Day AND Black History Month to the black creators of Choices! You're awesome and we love you ❤ sending you love 🥰 

[simlicious]

Personal update about my anxiety

Time for another personal update! At the moment, I'm not really in a creative mood and my projects are all resting.

I am working on more stuff in my real life, including cleaning/decluttering my apartment and working through an anxiety app which will hopefully get me to start exposure (though I shudder at the thought alone). The funny thing is, the app is for social anxiety, and I do have some social anxiety, but I think I mainly have agoraphobia (but there is no medical app available for this at the moment, so I took the next best thing). The app said: "Let's make a gradual steps plan, you first choose a very easy step, then one that is a little harder and harder, and so on until the hardest step comes at the top." And for the easiest step, it actually suggested one of my hardest steps: going into a store, buying something, and interacting with the cashier. Checkouts give me such anxiety. I once had a full-blown panic attack because I couldn't remember the PIN number for my credit or debit card. And I very rarely get panic attacks. Luckily, my brother was present and he was able to pay for me while I almost hyperventilated and tears were streaming down my face. Generally, I start sweating and get shaky hands which does not help while handling cards and remembering pin numbers. I get tunnel vision and cannot focus on anything that is going on around me. Sometimes, blood rushes in my ears so I have a hard time picking up whether someone is saying anything. Then, all items need to be put into bags at lightning speed, and I always fear that I am not fast enough and that everyone else in line is annoyed and angry with me and this makes me even more nervous. Putting things away with shaky hands is tough! So I send my boyfriend shopping for me or buy online most of the time. If I absolutely must, I can go shopping with one of my loved ones because I feel a tiny bit calmer and know I have a safety net with me. They can also help me put stuff in my bags. But alone? That's nightmare fuel for me. Same thing with using public transportation, I just can't do it. I also have a very hard time sitting in waiting rooms at the doctor's office, I get so tense and do not know what to do with myself. Oh, and I also have severe anxiety when I need to make a phone call 😫 But all that is seriously impacting my life, as you can imagine. And I want to change something.

Since the app is not helpful with suggestions for my gradually harder steps to take, I have to come up with my own, and it is harder than I thought! All the things I think about are really hard for me, I cannot think of less hard steps to take 😣 Even just going outside without a destination/going out by myself is also anxiety-inducing for me. I feel like I am watched all the time, I get tense and my thoughts start racing or going in circles. This also happens while I am in a store to shop for something. I get paralysed sometimes with decision fatigue and if someone else comes into the same aisle, I have the urge to run away instantly. I get so distracted that I need to spend way more time in a store than usual and this is of course not making me calmer. I am just super exhausted after going shopping! I am proud that I leave the house twice a week now to go for a walk with my best friend though. We have just established a second day of the week this year, and we still do not go twice every week, but pretty often, which is great. And I love to walk in nature, it calms me (if there aren't too many other people around). 😊 I am also making progress with my borked sleep cycle. I am a night owl 🦉, but being awake the whole night clashes a lot with my family's plans. I have tried for months to shift it, but in the last one to two weeks, I actually made real progress and went to bed 2 to 3 hours earlier than normal, which is really huge for me! I found out that there are lots of free audiobooks on YouTube that authors upload themselves. So one hour before I want to sleep, I put one on, set a shutdown timer of 60 minutes so it will turn off after that time, and then go to bed and listen to it until I fall asleep. This has motivated me enough to actually go to bed earlier.

As a result, I get more daylight and I am more inclined to do housework, which I also struggle with in general, so this is really great! I am focusing more on that now. I also started playing Subnautica again, but I can only play for a few hours on end because it can get pretty intense. I kinda want to play Sims 4 again (weird, I know). My anxiety app wants me to think more positively, so instead of thinking that it is no use updating my mods because the minute I do, another patch drops anyway and I have to start all over, I should think more positively. I will probably drop the game after playing for a day anyway, so it does not need to stay updated for long! Maybe downloading and updating mods is more fun than actually playing anyway? 😆

[whentherewerebicycles]

they gave me kind of a scary talk about being at increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy in the future which I know was just their way of trying to impress upon me the importance of paying close attention to whether I might be pregnant and not dismissing early symptoms of potential rupture. I get that and appreciate it! but also the two OB-GYNs ran me through what future pregnancies would look like in terms of even more monitoring and scanning and labwork than I was already doing and I just started getting really sad. idk I am sure if I do get pregnant again it will be reassuring to know if things are going ok but there’s also this small but real sense of loss there. like I just won’t ever get to experience that period as one of joy or excitement, and I’ll have to put myself and my emotional experience of pregnancy (and potential future loss) even more in the hands of these fucking doctors, whose skill I appreciate but who I could also just throttle sometimes. like today they asked how I’d been doing since the surgery and I said “well honestly physically I’m fine but emotionally I’ve been having a pretty rough time” and I think that made the resident uncomfortable and she just like messed around with my chart for a while and then changed the subject. like ok I’m not asking you to be my therapist I’d settle for just the most basic acknowledgment of my human emotions. and then later the attending came in and looked at my surgical incisions and said “you look great! this is just about a perfect outcome” and I obviously get what she meant, like patient did not die of internal hemorrhage and has no signs of post-op infection, but also like while that would clearly have been the worst case outcome, for me personally losing a pregnancy was easily the second worst case outcome, and so while I am grateful to be alive and not have suffered lasting internal damage or whatever I am also still very much in the grip of some pretty big painful feelings and I wish, again, that they could take a step back from studying the immediate medical issue at hand to look at the person whose body houses that issue. or whatever. like of all the medical professionals I’ve interacted with over the past month the doctors at this facility are definitely the most competent and caring, but even with them I’m just sitting in my car outside the office feeling a sense of muted dread just thinking like great… when I start trying to get pregnant again these are the people I’m going to have to repeatedly subject myself to. blah it’s fine and I think the way I am going to handle it is by trying to just calmly reiterate my humanity, even if it is mostly for myself. like I am proud of myself for saying that I hadn’t been doing that well emotionally, even if it got ignored because the person didn’t know how to respond to it. I get to be a full person with a full, rich, multifaceted emotional life and not just a medical case. you just feel like you have no power because they know everything and they make all the decisions. but I have the power to ask questions and to l express calmly how I am feeling and to spend time after each encounter reflecting on how I felt in that moment, because my human experience matters even if no one is interested in making space for it in a medical context. I get to say that it matters. I get to have feelings about it and I get to compassionately explore those feelings and I get to use those insights to inform how I engage with the slight awfulness of this hypermedicalized experience in the future. blah! blah. on, on, on.

[simplefelicity]

What I sold in 2023

this is the second in a series of posts in which i reflect on my 2023 from a financial perspective, using data from my financial journal.

i sell my secondhand books and clothes and miscellaneous objects online. i'm not a reseller, i do not purchase things to sell them online. this is all just stuff i have laying around the house.

this year i sold 18 books, 8 pieces of clothing and 5 miscellaneous objects. in total, 31 objects left my house AND i earned back 314€. yay!

what was successful

the lesson here is, once again, list everything you can! even stuff you think would never sell! i sold a bag that i wouldn't have paid 1€ for 5€! you never know who is going to scroll past your ad.

also, being on more than one website/app is very important! i am on 3 apps and 1 book-specific website. the most sales came from Vinted, but Vinted doesn't allow to sell everything. my biggest sale (roller skates for 80€) happened on a more local app that's not as well known.

my most successful months were january, october and december, when i sold 5 items each. otherwise, i usually sold 1 or 2 items per month. i don't know why those months in particular were so successful. my guess is that it was a mix of new university books time and gift-giving. i wonder if the pattern will repeat next year as well?

i have finally finished taking pictures of all the clothes i wanted to list. it was such a long process! but i did it!

what didn't work

in the name of being on as many apps as possible, i tried to branch off to Depop. i don't know how it is in other countries, but i only got spam and people trying to get me to click on links. not even 1 real person interacted with me! so i think i'll eliminate my profile and good riddance.

i also ventured on eBay, which is something i've been wanting to try for ages. i only listed 1 item just to see how it worked and it didn't lol. i guess i chose the wrong item and i should try again with something easier to sell. buying something to get a couple of more good reviews would be a good idea as well.

but mostly i need to go on the apps i already use and reupload some of the listings (especially the clothes) to give them more visibility.

plus, there are some listings that i took off for one reason or the other and never put up again because of laziness and that's not conducive to business, let me tell you.

2024 plans

currently, all the things i want to sell are in 2 drawers of my closet. i can't wait to have that space back! so i need to work harder on this payed decluttering.

i'm still proud of myself, because there were times when i thought "why am i doing this? why do i even bother? why don't i just throw everything in the trash and be done with it?" but the numbers speak for themselves, don't you think? and i can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, thank God.

in the new year, i plan to keep experimenting with eBay and consolidate my presence on my current apps. also, i should start taking pictures of my shoes (dread).

[early20sfailingplenty]

My Ambrose is out there somewhere.

My home.

TW; bad home life, bad relationship with parents, venting but also comforting myself. i need to hear all of this and maybe someone else does too.

A place where I'm not daily told things like, "you're given the grace of being allowed to put posters up on your walls even though dad doesn't like the marks left behind from the blutac you use, but your brother isn't because dad doesn't like him" (this was today's comment and I'm still reeling. Had to cry it out, it made me uncomfortable and I felt sick and I don't understand why)

or

"make sure you do your washing up after every meal, don't leave it for someone else" even though most days I do everyone's dishes, including my own, and barely receive a thank you for it. All I get is a "you shouldn't have done that. Naughty!" like I'm a child and not a twenty five year old woman who is very self-sufficient and was just seeing how stressed her parents were and wanted to help out.

or

"just stop worrying about it" when I try to open up to one of my parents about my fears of a future which is looking bleaker and bleaker. a place where i'm never listened to, even if i bother opening up i only ever feel worse for it. i never feel safe here, i always try to keep myself quiet and even if no one is around, i'll lock my bedroom door and use headphones to listen to music because even if i'm just watching tv in my room, any evidence i'm in here is "just noise" and met with the door being shut even if i don't want it to be.

a place where i'm made to feel like my existence is my fault and i must apologise for it. a place where i'm always left to cry alone, to scrape myself up off the floor because even if they heard me, they wouldn't come in to comfort me. they'd leave me to it, leave me to handle myself alone, and so i no longer bother asking for help or comfort from them. i just do it alone. i'm not sure i'd know how to accept comfort if given, so when friends speak to me kindly or say they love me, i burst into tears because i need them but they're all the way on the other side of the world and i am here alone.

or

"this is my house, my rules", even though i pay rent to occupy it. here in this house is my bedroom, the one i've rotted in lived in since i was fifteen. my bedroom, with the dark green floral carpet and the white walls they promise they will paint once every year. they've redecorated the house so many times, spent weeks painting out my brother's room and the kitchen and the living room, but they never ever do mine and it hurts. especially because when i offer to do it myself, i hear, "your bedroom isn't yours just because you pay rent. you're only borrowing it." and so i'm stuck with a room i hated at fifteen (except the carpet - i love the carpet) and i hate it now at twenty five.

or to never be told that my parents are proud of me, to not be told that I'm doing something right, to not be told that I'm not secretly a bad person, I'm just human and therefore messy and too hard on myself. Too self-aware, too, which is a huge problem as well. to be told unprompted that they love me. i shouldn't have to ask to be loved, but i do, so i never ask. i want it to be a natural thing but they never say it, i never ask, and the wound keeps festering.

a place where i won't be a soundboard to my mother and to realise that i'm so very very much like her; we have the same nervous habits, we have similar ways of shutting down or being emotional when we're overwhelmed and i'm fucking terrified every second of every day to become her, or maybe i am already her but like her, i just can't see it. my parents always tell me "you're your mother, but twenty years younger" and they mean it as a compliment but it makes me feel sick. i don't want to become my parents, i don't i don't i don't.

a place where i'm made to feel like i really would do anything for my parents' approval or some sign that they want me, love me. me, and not all the things i do for them. i did many things for them today, like i do every day, and not a single thing for me and time is running out time is running out time is running out....

my Ambrose is out there somewhere.

my home is out there somewhere and i will be free from this place one day.

one day, i will turn the corner of a long and confusing, hard and complicated road, and Ambrose will stretch out in front of me, and just like how i experience this wide shot of it in House of Wax, I will smile, breathe, and think, home. it will fit me like a glove, and i will be free. to exist, to play music loudly, to shower when i want, to go and get food at night when i'm hungry, to not have to feel like i'm always doing something wrong even if all i'm doing is making a cup of coffee, to not have to watch my tone and monitor how i speak to people because there are easily triggered tempers in this house and i am afraid of confrontation and anger, raised voices and shouting, one day i can have my own room decorated in my own way and pay rent KNOWING my space is mine. so i can do what i want with it.

all i have are tomorrows and somedays and one days, but this isn't my forever. my Ambrose is out there waiting for me. it has to be. this isn't my forever. i will be free one day💖.

[notcolleen]

im gonna take a second to be proud of myself for actually being assertive bc it paid off (literally!!!) and also vent abt family stuff and this is just a giant mess of words lol

[[MORE]]

so i leave for a work trip to oregon tomorrow and as excited as i am, it’s actually the worst timing ever bc 1) my family is having a memorial for my aunt tomorrow and i feel incredibly selfish for not being there and 2) my direct family (brother, middle sister, mom, dad) all have covid or assumed covid and it’s just a chaotic mess at that house rn

and this trip all happened really last minute (i got the email asking if i was interested on the 9th, everything was finalized on the 10th, found out my brother tested positive on the 11th) (i have tested negative every day since then and will test again before i leave) and bc of that/the covid situation i felt bad asking anyone in my family to help out with any logistical barriers (ie pet care while im gone, travel to/from airport, etc)

i finally did ask my oldest sister if she’d be able to watch phoebe and she’s totally fine with that, which is great bc i was literally 2 seconds away from paying someone random online just to avoiding inconveniencing her lol

and i was planning on taking a lyft there and i knew that would be ✨pricey✨ bc it’s 1.5 hrs away so i was just trying to mentally accept the cost of it (bc ultimately it’s worth it for the whole experience of traveling) but my anxiety kinda took off when i looked it up and it was $130 each away 💀

so i sent a text to my dad on wednesday asking if he would be able to drive me back from the airport on the 20th if he did not have covid and was feeling well

and he left me on read 🧚

so after a very frustrating conversation with my mom today (where she called me selfish for not considering the cost of tolls and gas rn) (which i was 100% going to pay if he drove, which i would have told him had he replied back) i ended the phone call in very dramatic tears and was like okay either im paying ~$260 and i can let that anxiety sit with me the whole trip (bc major ~scarcity mindset even with money) (it’s the worst!!!) or i can send an awkward email to the company asking if i could be reimbursed for that expense and hope the best

so i emailed a man named david whom i’ve never met (well first i edited my email until it no longer resembled a “sorry for existing !!! also no worries if not :)))) thank you so much even if not!! :))” monologue) and he responded right back with $400 worth of uber gift cards, no questions asked

and im still just sitting here amazed at how being an assertive adult / asking for things with the mindset of “the worst u can hear is no” can benefit you (also i still have to get used to working for a big company bc before this i worked for a childcare company based out of our towns little church and we were expected to pay for so much out of pocket and this company is just like gift cards all around and it’s so different)

(so now i have moved on to being anxious abt the 1.5 hr uber ride and hoping the driver is okay with literally 0 small talk) (i have more rambling thoughts re: birthdays and family resentment and expectations but this is long enough so goodbye thank u if you read this 😌)

[melspuppies8282]

Just needed to vent for a second about my situation:

Okay so about a month ago I made a post to multiple accounts (I don't think I made one here, mostly it was to inform people of late messages to the other accounts) about my living situation and complications due to it. I just wanted to say that as of now, my mom has saved my childhood home and I'm going to be staying there for the time being.

Over the last 2 months, the people I was going to move in with have been having complications with their own living situation. I'm going to be vague in this post bc it's just a vent, but I needed stuff off my chest.

So one of my friends (that I've been close friends with since middle school) is engaged to someone. This person I have become friends with, but I didn't like them at first due to their personality. I have grown to accept it and I've been good friends with them since. The fiancee's mom I am also friends with, and I have grown fond of. I was helping them bc their landlord is a real prick and has been making them paranoid for months, and gave an eviction notice for things that weren't called for. They recently had trouble with another roommate that screwed them over, so we all planned to move somewhere bc I was gonna lose my house anyway. I don't have a job rn, and I am $3,500 in debt as this post is being written. They said they would help me on my feet, helped me get a phone bc my line had been disconnected, and said I would pay rent once I got stuff figured out. I am forever grateful for their help.

I am an alcoholic and I have mental illness. Around the time of this discussion, I had a relapse and it severely messed up my relationship with my fiancee. I decided to go sober again, and as it stands, today I am 47 days sober. I am very proud of myself, but I have been struggling lately to stay that way. I am severely depressed, severely anxious, and my BPD has been so bad since the last day of my relapse. During the last day of the relapse I had gone to the friends birthday party where I blacked out, and it caused a major argument between me and my fiancee, and I am currently making amends with what happened and growing from it.

With all of this, I have been ill. I had a stomach pain around my diaphragm, and a numb tongue. I had gone to the doctor and got started on medication. I have my second doctor visit tomorrow, and although I don't have the pain, I have been struggling to eat, drink, or move around a lot. I only get out of my house to go to AA, and I have been getting an extreme pain in my spinal area. The stress of everyone around me made my symptoms worse at the time, so I barely spoke to people during this time if it wasn't urgent.

However, that had gone disrespected, as I was in a group chat consisting of me, 2 of my friends, the friends fiancee, and my fiancee. The group chat was meant for ranting, but turned into people coming to me to rant privately and instead in the group chat posting memes and spamming. I had asked multiple times for the group chat to stay for ranting, which was disrespected, and so I muted the chat. In the past, people would ask if it was okay to vent to me, which I would give a yes or no based on my mental state, which then turned into me being the only one asking and them ranting whenever. I have struggled talking to people due to fear of abandonment bc of this.

I decided not to move in with those people due to multiple reasons. The friends fiancee's attitude, and how it kept triggering me and my own mental health were beginning to affect my sobriety. In their house there was alcohol and weed, and I told them before it shouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't in reach, but then had been on my mind a lot while there. I don't have a car, and I like a specific AA meeting because it's smaller, and my social anxiety isn't as bad bc there is at least 3 faces I recognize every time I go. I felt like a burden on some occasions, asking if they could take me. It had gotten to a point where the last time I saw them, I planned on taking the bus bc of the fiancee's attitude, and I didn't want to cause an issue, and they took me and I cried during the meeting.

I do not currently go to therapy bc of my financial situation, so I have been relying on AA a lot to help me through my situations, as I am struggling to stay clean during all of this. It brought to light my own boundaries and decisions in the process, which I had expressed to the friend during our outing the day of that AA meeting i had previously mentioned. I had expressed how I really felt, and how I felt going forward, and how if something didn't change I wasn't sure of the future. She came to me and expressed emotions on how she truly felt as well, and I was able to explain that during the panic of their situation, I felt like a mediator and I didn't want that. I told them how it made me really anxious and I was worried for them, and how they were going to handle stuff. I told her at the end of the day I'm listening to her decisions and opinions the most bc she is my friend. Without her, the other people in the house mean little to me. She told me she understood. Before this, I had explained on why I wasn't coming over as much, due to the stress of everything and my health. I had said it rudely, and I apologized for that on multiple occasions, bc there is no excuse for my behavior.

A while ago, 2 texts where sent. One from the friend, and one from the fiancee's mom. The friend expressed not knowing what was going on before saying that we (me and the possible other person moving in) where at fault for things regarding the move, and to talk to them. I had called and expressed my emotions regarding the move, once again, and said I was no longer moving in due to the lack of information from the people in the house. I had wanted to do a call on that Sunday (this call previously mentioned was 2 days later) but didn't receive any information on if it was alright to do so. The text from the fiancee's mom didn't make sense, saying about "broken trust" when I had been honest from the beginning.

I am no longer moving, but I am still in financial trouble, and the urge to relapse is so strong I can barely do anything else. My fiancee is the only one talking to me, and I am so frustrated about how everything has come around, I can barely do anything else. My non-alive ideation is through the roof, and I don't think it would matter to anyone, anyway.

Everyone I've talked to about the situation (mostly the people from AA) have said I'm making the right decision setting this boundary for my sobriety, and to just believe it will work out. I feel awful in my decision, and as if I'm doing something wrong, and that I've lost everyone in caring for myself right now. I really want to get better and for people to want me for me, not what I do for them. It's so hard making friends anymore, that I just want to never make any ever again.

I am working on finding a job, and with that I will move out once I get this debt paid off. But it feels so far away, I feel like it'll never happen. And I feel like this could have been avoided if people just took the initiative and just focused on who already gave an answer, not the potentials.

I was supposed to talk the them Friday, but I no longer wish to do so. If I am "breaking trust" by setting a boundary, there is no point in me explaining my decision, because they already made theirs.

I am getting back into my own religion, and have been speaking with mother nature lately and trying to find some answers. I have been talking to my deceased father as well, praying he'll help me keep the friends that are true and reveal people's intentions. I have been speaking with my fiancee a lot to help me through this, and explaining my thoughts towards things and being more open about my dark thoughts and what I am truly feeling. I know I'll make it through this. I just don't know how.

My ED is flaring like crazy, and since I don't have any money it's only encouraging it more. My life feels like I've hit rock bottom. I'm laying on it, just wanting to stand back up and crawl out of it. I know I can. I just have to do it somehow.

I am trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's so hard. I just want to lie down and rot. I have a wonderful fiancee who makes sure to take care of me when he can. Without him I don't think I'd survive this.

I just needed stuff off my chest, and I didn't feel right leaving it on my sad blog, because I just want it out there. I want to be seen and heard, and know that it'll work out. I'm hoping my prayers and willingness for it to work out will let it. I just need a little hope that I can make it through this. Even if it's just a funny picture on tumblr, I just need something to survive another day. I just need another 24 hours. I say that every day anymore.

I just need to be cared for like I care for everyone else.

[humansun]

SUCCESSFUL BRAIN DRAIN!

Written Friday, August 11th, 2023 at 4:23AM

Good morning! Hello brain drain. I have plenty to write about today.

A few thoughts are:

Tanya + another aunt’s birthday is coming up, sweet!

There’s a million things running through my mind this morning

How do humans handle having so much stimuli in their life and head?

I was just thinking of something but it left me

Oh yeah sleeping an adequate amount of time every night actually affects my day and mood completely

Getting out of bullet points for a second to retrieve myself. I had an ample amount of sleep last night and I feel for the most part, very recovered from an exhausting day yesterday. Working out on less than 6 hours of sleep does not work for me and I have to accept that if I sleep late, I won’t be working out at 5am, because I won’t even put in my best for the workout. Plus, I’m lucky enough to have Fuzzy’s place as a backup gym!

Some thoughts that came into my mind this morning and crystallized in my mind was whether I genuinely like the person my partner is. The answer after all that thinking is yes, because he is a kind, integrity-based, and considerate human being, that cares about me and the people around him. 

As for the other traits that I’m not the hugest fan about - him sometimes being on his phone for long periods of time, his downtime is watching TV, his mealtimes are watching TV, he doesn’t really enjoy going to museums as much as I do, and he’s a super duper homebody. There are pros and cons to all of these traits like I get to be the person who travels while he holds down the house or something, but at the same time it would be nice to be with someone who’s on the same page about deep convos, living life relentlessly, etc.

However, I also recognize that he’s a Ravenclaw, and for that I am grateful. There are many traits he has that I don’t have, and the love he gives me is beyond what I could ever ask any human being for. I am hoping we grow together and build a world that makes us both happy and excited to continue to live and be great humans!

These mosquito bites and/or eczema are killing me! I don’t have enough self-control to not scratch. Anyways, that’s a little bit of what I was thinking about lately. Oh! I had LinkedIn Learning for the past month and didn’t use it except for 1 ⅓ of courses and now I am regretting my time not using it, since there was a lot of free information in there that would cost me $20 a month.

I guess it’s not the end of the world to pay $20 for usable knowledge, but it’s okay because I can potentially finesse to get that education somewhere else! I also am so proud that I’m now spreading my awareness of high-yields savings accounts with my friends and family. Let’s go! Let’s grow our moneys!

I’m really grateful I get to spend time with people that I love whether in the household, in my workplace, in my daily life, etc. I’m determined to continue to find ways to make my life sustainable because I deserve to live a colorful life, I do.

Jesus, there were a million and one things I was thinking about but now they all fled my mind. I guess another thing is my creative practice at this moment. It looks like its off as I’m applying to some programs that require written application materials, so I’m only exerting my energy towards that direction adn not necessarily towards storytelling or character building. I’m not going to lie, my life does feel a bit empty not practicing those things and I want to figure out how I can do it a little bit everyday.

Living a logistics filled life honestly feels boring, and I never thought I’d say this after years of doing logistics work in all of my event management jobs. I’m proud to have come this far and I wouldn’t be sure I’d think these thoughts had I not quit my normal 9-5 and questioned my life a little harder. I know I took a leap and it comes with its own challenges, but learning how to invest in myself time and energy wise is something I wouldn’t take back for the world.

At this time, perhaps I’m not the most financially free person in the world, but I’m also deeply aware that I want to live a normal person life and do normal people things like take vacations throughout the year and have trips to look forward to. I’ve never spent more than probably $500 on one person, but I’m learning that there is a gift of giving and surprising someone you love with something they would appreciate immensely.

Speaking of someone that I love, back on the topic of my partner because it’s important. He got a health screening and his health is alright, but I can’t help but think that I want my partner to take care of their own health so it doesn’t become a burden on me. I believe I could be thinking this way because I take my mom to the doctor pretty often and I almost feel like I’m parenting her.

I wouldn’t be parenting my partner, because obviously, he could handle his own doctor’s appointments, but in the case that anything sudden were to happen, I would take the grief and all the hits for another human’s lack of proactivity.

Perhaps its because I know how to take care of myself healthwise that I’m also projecting these feelings onto my partner. But - at the same time, my partner could also say the exact same about me and where I’m putting my money and how I’m not really working a full-time job, getting health benefits, etc. Thinking about the future is a really tough thing and how its going to pan out, but I’m hoping things continue to change in a way that is amazing and difficult and growth-oriented!

There were two things that were sitting in my mind yesterday that I wanted to massage out. The first one I’d say is how being grateful for people, even if what they do isn’t the greatest thing (to a certain extent, this thought) can be helpful. For example, my grandma’s crappy behavior may fuel a plotline in my story. Of course, I’m never grateful for the trauma we experience at all. But, I realized that all stories and characters experience conflict, and that conflict is usually inspired by our lives. It’s really interesting realizing that because it’s a very zoomed in thought.

Another thing, I was thinking about how there really is no way I can’t get to where I want to be when I’m this young, determined, excited, and pumped about what is to come in the future. There is no way I can’t. Especially if I keep trying. If I keep trying, then people will know about me, my path, and who I am. Even if I tried and things never worked out, something would eventually work out, even if it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

Like, I realized that I doubt myself alot and my work ethic and who I am. Like I think people hate me or dislike me, but I realized that a lot of people think I’m a cool cat and want to spend more time with me (although I don’t allow it because I’m busy and have a bajillion things to do). Realizing this gave me the confidence at least for yesterday to keep moving through and knowing that at some point all of this would pay off. Like there would be fruit to my labor. And I’m not super confident that I have faith, but I’m confident based on my experience, who I am, what I do to make people feel what they feel, etc.

I have a huge desire to use my Knott’s season pass like crazy right now. I think because when Fall and Winter come, it’ll cool down, and I’ll be able to go as often without worrying about the heat, and also to get our money’s worth! For some reason, I feel like we didn’t go that much this year and that bothers me. Why did they put time restrictions and meal limits to the season pass meal options? Why! It would be such a steal to come in and out without buying any food for a whole year - I could just sit there and do my work while eating some good junk!

Calorie deficit update - dude. The weight fluctuation is insane. Maybe 1270 or whatever the number is supposed to be is way too crazy for me. I still was able to weigh 129 about two times this week, which is surely a good sign. But I’m not entirely sure about how the progress will pan out for the rest of this month. Regardless, I’m proud of myself and think I’ve come very far since starting! Hopefully, I don’t burn out later.

Mom. She’s doing good. There is no point in my life that I am not grateful for her. Even if I’m mad, crying, or frustrated, I still feel grateful or her and I love her very, very much. Grandma is a different story but I still love her. It’s a lot of weight I’m holding, but I am happy to help as much as I can, even if I get mad.

The Artist’s Way is a next level book. It’s like reading a introductory wall text in an art museum that I’ve been waiting to go to for a long time. And I’m finally here, and I’m savoring every word. I think I could feel the intentionality that went behind this book and I feel that if there is a significant amount of intention behind any creative project, that viewers and people will recognize and relate to that intention. Jeez, finding intention behind all of my own projects is difficult. Even formatting a screenplay without the appropriate tools is hard too.

At the end of the day, I still feel like I’m at the very beginning of perfecting my craft and I’m okay with that. I think I’m okay because I got started and starting on anything is better than not starting at all. I’m curious to know if I could shoot something next week. That would be really fun! It’s really easy for me to get distracted when I type on the laptop, but I think using a bit of mindfulness and discipline will make it work.

Last thing, (wow, morning pages really work. I just want to keep writing because I keep thinking about things!) mindfulness was another thing that was sitting in my mind that I really am grateful for. Mindfulness keeps me grateful, in control, happy, content, etc in my life and without it, I think we would all go a little crazy. To spend more of my life being mindful means I will be living a more rich and happy life. Wow, so many things I wrote about today and I finally let out my brain drain. That was fun and I’m definitely coming back for more! 

P.S. Waking up at 4am is incredible because of the silence in the house and I highly recommend it to myself and others. 

[nikkadiaries]

In Honor of Tonight's New Moon

Here is a list of important aspects in my life that I focused on so I can become the version of myself, one that I know I am meant to be. This is my commitment to transform into that Nikka in the next 5 months.

My Writing: my commitment to improving my writing skills is paying off. I am more clear in my words and I have a better understanding of grammar. My confidence in my skills to complete my novel is increasing every time I write.

My Drawing: I've always loved my drawing, but now that I've put serious consideration into improving my skill, it definitely shows just how much my style has changed. I definitely have a technique and a true-to-myself style. I am also steadier with my hands and confident in my ability. Also, I'm just having fun with it. I'm not as hung up on perfection anymore.

My Intuition: This is my constant work in progress but one I'm most proud of. This is the practice I do every day and it's definitely paying off. I feel so much more love and patience for myself and for others; it's definitely improved my ability to listen to my truth, to my opinion and I know how to respond clearly and surely when communicating with others.

My Body: My health is something that has become so important to me. This is truly what it means to take care of my body. I don't just work out on a regular and keep active, but I also take in great consideration as what I put in my body. I eat better and more concsious of my body's needs. I'm also more aware of what's going on with my body, with every part of it including my head. I seek out professionals and I'm grateful I have the means and ability to do so.

My Finance: This is the second improvement I'm proud of. The fact that I can manage my finances responsibly is truly a gift and I'm so grateful for it. Learning and understanding how to manage my money has been a blessing and saving grace as I'm more prepared and considerate of my spending. Still, I have also managed my finances to the point where I have extra spending money I can spend on a whim. (aka I can get take out if I want hehe)

My Family: Being more connected to my family has indeed been a gift and blessing. I am more open when it comes to my family and more giving and understanding. I love my family and I'm so grateful to have them. I'm so thankful that i've finally gotten through my mental blog and given in! Give in to the love that has poured on me ever since I came into this world. I am so grateful for the clarity as my family means the most to me. I'm also thankful for the strength and clarity (and confidence) to talk to my family and be open and honest with them. I am also grateful to myself for the improvements I've made that I'm even able to be open and honest with my family. Just thank you, this is the best blessing.

My People: My biggest thanks are to the family I have created. I don't feel alone anymore. One of the things that I've always dreamed of having is that sitcom-like friend group; that circle of people who I spend my free time with and gives me a reason to get out of the house. Or more accurately, spend time at my house. But more than that, I am also better at communicating with my friends, whether they are my circle who are present with me, my friends in LA, or my internet friends I've made. Even with the friends I use to be cool with but only talk to on social media; I take time to say hello every now and then, even if it's only a DM. At the very least, I do keep up with them on social media if they have it.

I am grateful for how much my life has changed and improved in 5 months. This makes me so excited and anticipate what else can change in the next year!

[archionblu]

Hey guys, just fyi queue is waaay slowed down and might run out even then. My mental health is not doing great and I think I just need to NOT any social media/sources of news right now. I’m available via facebook messenger, text, and tumblr chat, but I probably won’t be doing a ton of posting. 

p.s. If you’re playing Animal Crossing New Horizons, hmu for my friend’s code

[melody-ofstars]

'𝐭𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐣𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐲

Collab:- Baby, Baby Collab by @ushisrever

Fandom:- Boku No hero Academia

Pairing:- dad!Bakugo x mom!reader

Pronouns:- She/her (mom)

Scenario:- Just our very own Christmas Eve

AU:- Domestic

Genre:- Fluff

A/n:- HAVE A VERY MERRY DAY!! Ahhh, so I have never celebrated Christmas myself but I would love to if I can. Idek why I said thay but it's olay, anyway. I love Christmas, a lot. Its really heartwarming to see the families celebrate it togehter and be with each other for a day. I hope I was ble to capture the christmas spirit. I would also like to thank Nia for letting me be a part of this adorable collab.

Also, I am very proud to introduce my very own two characters, names will be revealed in the fic, the third character is not here yet but he will and I am sure you will love him, as much as you'll live these two adorable little munchkins.

"Just sit fucking still for a minute!" Bakugo yelled as he picked up the kid in front of him and settled her down in his lap.

She was just like him, a fact that he absolutely relished in but not at this moment. At this moment, he just wanted her to sit still and let him tie her blonde hair into a ponytail.

Her hair was... unmanageable, with the same spiky texture and blonde color as him, making it impossible to style it neatly.

He was finally able to tie a few of her strands into a small pony at the back of her head, almost all of the strands escaping it as soon as he was done... He was imressed by his waife who managed to do it in a few seconds and that too very nicely.

"How the fuck does she do this!?" He groaned as he untied it and started tying it again.

"Okay, that looks alright, let's go." He told her,

As he started to walk out of the bedroom, he noticed that she wasn't paying attention to him but instead looking at her hair in the mirror.

"Oi, brat! Are you listening?" He asked, looking at the four-year-old.

"Mommy ties it better than you." She said, making her way towards the door where her father stood.

"What did you just say!?" Bakugo yelled, as she made her way to the the stairs, a giggle escaping her and a beautiful smile on her face.

Half of his ego had already evaporated at the giggle and the other half at the smile. Even with the hair, she was exactly like her mom... And had the same effect on him as she did. Calming him in the most troubling times, laughing when he was angry, uplifting his mood with just one smile of hers... He was lucky to have a family with her.

He had never even thought of having a family in the long run, all he focused on was to become the number one hero. He did not care about the simple pleasures life had to offer, that was... Until he met you. You made him feel alive and that was when he had decided to marry you, be with you... All of those things did not seem distant anymore and he was glad.

Looking back right now, he was thankful to the past self that played his cards right and gifted him this moment, this life.

With two adorable kids and a very beautiful wife... He was the luckiest man to have ever lived.

He shuddered, disgusted by the sappy things he was thinking...

Ths sound of his daughter blowing raspberries got her out of his thoughts as he looked at her adoringly while she teased him.

Realising her wish, he ran after her, chasing her around the house.

"You can't run away Katsumi!" He exclaimed, looking at her while she ran away, her soft yet spiky hair bouncing as she did.

"You can never catch me Katsu!" Her little voice yelled, making him smile internally.

Calling him Katsu was a habit she picked up on after hearing you call him Katsu. He did not mind it, it felt heartwarming to hear her call him that with that small voice of hers.

"Katsu, are you done!?" A familiar voice called out, a voice that he loved to hear and couldn't get enough of. Instead of screaming from where he stood, he decided to go downstairs and talk all the while chasing the devil spawn too.

----

"Katsu, are you done!?" You called out, sitting at the couch, nearest to the Christmas tree. The one-year-old in your lap, cheerfully playing with the various ornaments with his small hands covered in mittens. This was exactly why you had decided on getting plastic ornaments instead of the usual glass ones.

Before you could say something else, the sound of a high-pitched squeal echoed through the house, followed by loud giggles and thundering footsteps.

You looked up at the stairs, seeing your four-year-old daughter, running down with your hotheaded husband following her, the sight was adorable to see but very dangerous too.

"Hey! Hey! Don't run on the staircase!" You yelled as you got up, the toddler cooing in your embrace, chewing on one of the teethers.

Hearing your voice, both of them slowed their pace and calmly made their way downstairs, with Katsuki faster than the four-year-old.

As she reached the bottom step, he did too. Grabbing her as fast as he could and throwing her over his shoulder.

"Ha! Will you ever say that again!?" He asked as she screamed and giggled on his shoulder. A faint smile appearing on his face as she tried to tickle her way out of hia grasp.

The doorbell rang, gaining everybody's attention, followed by the door opening gently with a much familiar blonde head poking in.

"Oi! Brat! Will you just stand there or open this door!?" A very familiar voice screamed at her son to open the door.

Bakugo grunted, securing one of his hand around his daughter that was still struggling on his shoulder while the other was opening the door fully to reveal, his parents, Mitsuki and Masaru.

"Mitsuki!" You exclaimed as you reached out to hug her, which she returned very eagerly. Pulling away to play with her grandson, who seemed very excited to see her as well.

"Katsuno, your grandma is here. Come on," she cooed at the baby in your hands, before taking him from you, and making her way to the couch, keeping the gifts she brought under the tree. Masaru trailing behind her with a mini bakugo latched onto him as he carried both her and more gifts.

"See brat? They love me more than your sorry ass." She teased, laughing at her som's face.

"Shut up old hag! They just want the gifts!" He yelled, falling into her trap easily.

You laughed at the whole exchange, wrapping one of your hands around Katsuki's waist.

"You would be a great hairstylist..." You said, turning to him with a smile as you gestured to the five small ponytails he had tied in Katsumi's hair.

"Fucking bet I will." He said, his sinister grin making it's way on his face.

You laughed at him, propping your head on his shoulder, looking at him adoringly.

You knew that you were pathetically in love with him and that there was no cure for this condition of yours... Only that you will keep falling further and further for him as the time grows, you remembered the day when you had decided to spend the rest of your life with him, possibly one of the many amazing days you have had with him. The birth of your kids being the first.

Never in your life had you ever imagined that you will fall for someone like him, but you were more than glad that you did.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." Katsuki said, a smug smile plastered on his face as he slowly turned to look at you.

He tried to calm down his heart that was beating at a very fast pace, feeling as if it will burst out at any point. He had been feeling this way simce he first realised that he was head over heels for you, which was shortly after he met you.

"I don't need a picture, I have you." You replied, turning to look at your two beautiful kids who were playing with your in-laws. Unaware of the effect your words had on a certain blonde male.

He was glad that you weren't looking at him because he knew that he was as red as a ruby at the moment.

"Tch, whatever." He mumbled, making you turn towards him happily.

A smile on your face that you made him falter in his own words, no snappy comeback.

"I love you, you know." You said, annoyed by the fact that the expression of your love depended on three small words whereas your love for him was much bigger and larger than this or any other thing in the world... Three words didn't seem appropriate to measure it...

He turned towards you, his carmine eyes looking at you ever so softly rendering you breathless. Your heart left vulnerable at his gaze.

"I love you too," he said, before leaning down and placing a soft kiss on your lips which never failed to make you feel as if there were fireworks inside you.

He pulled away with his hand in yours, as he made his way towards the other couch with you following him... Just like you had vowed... That you will follow him everywhere and anywhere he leads you.

Taglist:- @softiehawks @little-kity @rebekah-trader

[mrsseverussnape]

Can you please do alan rickman x reader where alan gets jealous of y/n's crush on another celebrity

A/n: Hi lovely, it took me so long but you should accept me like this😂 Hope you enjoy it💕 also i didn’t do proof reading because i cringe myself when i read my own writing, hopefully it is not so bad😅

Theme: Slight smut

Characters: Alan Rickman x reader, Geoffrey Rush

Ps: Geoffrey Rush might be a questionable celebrity crush choice for the most of you but i took the 1997 Golden Globe Awards as my reference and he was one of the winners + in reality he was one of my celebrity crushes so it is what it is💁🏼‍♀️

Celebrity Crush

“Come on Y/N! We are going to be late!” Your husband Alan called out for the third time in half an hour. You were going to Golden Globe Awards tonight and he was nominated for his role in Rasputin, maybe that’s why he was abnormally impatient tonight.

“Coming!” You checked yourself in the mirror one last time before going downstairs to meet your impatient husband. You were looking like an award yourself in your gold dress; you were sure he would win but in case he would have his very own award afterwards. “You can’t rush the beauty honey.” You twirled around yourself when he looked at you head to toe with lustful eyes.

“You are naturally beautiful my love, you don’t need to do anything extra.” Alan took your delicate hand in his and pulled you closer to him before giving you a kiss on your lips.

“Alan if you mess up my lipstick, I will be needing another 10 minutes and I guess you don’t want that.”

“I will mess it up later on tonight when we have free time then. As you said, you can’t rush the beautiful things.” He spoke with his husky voice while staring deeply into your eyes. A tiny smirk played on his lips when you looked away from his gaze with your blushed cheeks.

  You have arrived Beverly Hilton Hotel on time where this year’s Golden Globe Awards were held. You have attended couple of awards with Alan but still every time the press took your photos you got extremely nervous. Actually you were a known author but being in front of the cameras wasn’t your cup of tea at all. After being photographed for some time, you and Alan finally managed to get to your table where you were seated with the cast of Rasputin. You and Alan got in a deep conversation with your dear friend Ian McKellen, had some appetizers and drinks until the award ceremony started. After an exciting waiting, they announced Alan’s and Ian’s names as the winner in different categories. You were so happy and proud of your husband and he definitely deserved a special treatment tonight. You were not paying much attention to the ceremony no more until they announced Geoffrey Rush’s name as the winner and you gave all your attention to the stage immediately when Alan did the same thing for you. Geoffrey was your all time favourite celebrity crush and it was no secret from Alan, though he was lowkey jealous of this situation but still he came to Geoffrey’s plays with you time to time or watched his movies. Alan watched you applause Geoffrey with a wide smile on your face and gave a squeeze on your thigh to get your attention back to himself.

“You seem more excited for him, dearest…” he whispered with a sulky face.

You caressed his cheek lovingly. “You got a kiss, he did not. I think I am more excited for you.” Alan leaned into your touch and rested his hand on top of yours. He was looking so cute but you decided to tease him a bit about this topic tonight, it would be fun.

Couple of hours later you were at the after party and chatting with some people here and there. While Alan was in a deep conversation with Helen Mirren, you were wandering the place with your eyes then they landed on Geoffrey Rush nearby. You excused yourself and made your way to him while Alan was thinking you will renew your drink so he kept his conversation with his friend. It has been almost 10 minutes since you have left and getting a drink shouldn’t take that long. He was looking around for you and it didn’t take him too long to find you with your eye-catching gold dress. You were the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and he was so lucky to have you. You were holding your drink in your hand and laughing charmingly, that view brought a smile on Alan’s face until he took a second to realize that you were laughing with Geoffrey Rush. Alan excused himself from the conversation and directly walked up to you. When he came he wrapped his arm around your waist which startled you a bit since you didn’t see him coming.

“Hello Mr. Rush, congratulations on your winning.” Alan held his hand out to him with a lowkey forced smile. Geoffrey shook his hand kindly and congratulate him as well.

“I met your wife before I could meet you Mr. Rickman, it was such a pleasure though. Such a witty lady we have here.”

“I hope I didn’t interrupt your chat, it seemed like a very funny one since it is hard to make her laugh that much.”

“Oh really? Then I am in my lucky day I guess; won the award, met this beautiful lady and made her laugh.” Geoffrey smiled widely at you which made Alan to pull you closer to himself.

You grinned at his pettiness, surely he was jealous. “I am in my lucky day too I guess, look at these two charming men beside me.”

“I don’t want to put an end to your fun darling, but we shall go. Tomorrow we have an early flight to London as you know.”

You sulked at Alan but nodded, you both said goodbye to Geoffrey but before you could walk away he called out to you with a huge smile. “I will be in London in a week for my new play. I would be honoured if you be my guest.”

“We would love to Mr. Rush!” You replied with a grin before Alan could say anything. “And we would love to have you at our home for dinner one night.”

“With pleasure!” He smiled. “But please call me Geoffrey, mister is way too formal.”

“Alright, have a good night Geoffrey.” You waved at him and Alan gave him a nod then you two left the party.

Alan didn’t speak a word on the way home but just sulked his cute face. This continued until you entered the house, apparently he didn’t want to say anything in front of the driver.

“Good night Geoffrey…” He scoffed after mocking you and headed to your bedroom to undress.

“Somebody is jealouuus.” You said melodically and laughed while following him. You held his hand and made him to face you, you found his sad puppy eyes adorable. You took of his jacket slowly and let it drop to the floor. “Now all my attention is on you my love.” You started to unbutton his shirt and put chaste kisses on his exposed skin one by one until the shirt joined the jacket on the floor. Alan was watching your every move carefully then with a swift move he turned you around to unzip your dress. He stripped you down and caressed every curve of your body with his hands, you could feel his growing member behind you. Your hand made its way to the bulge of his trousers and you gave it soft squeeze which drew a moan from him. You held onto his belt and walked him to the bed, you unbuckled his belt with your quick moves and freed him from his trousers and boxer before making him sit on the bed. Then you knelt down in front of him with hungry eyes.

“Now it’s time to mess up my lipstick.” You winked at him with a smirk and gave a kiss on the head of his member then took him in your warm mouth. His hand directly went to grab your hair when you started to bob your head on his shaft. His soft moans were like a music to your ears and you fastened your moves while taking him deeper. Now he was fully hard in your mouth and he was moaning your name while helping you to move your head on him. Soon his breath quickened and when you started to play with his balls, it was a last straw for him. He started to twitch in your mouth and you suckled on him harder than before. His head fell back and he let out a loud grunt while coming down your throat. You swallowed every drop and looked at him with a sultry grin. Alan pulled you up and made you straddle him.

“Maybe I should get jealous more often if i will get that treatment afterwards.” Alan smirked and bit down on your bottom lip softly.

“Perhaps this was for the award you won, not for the jealousy.” You raised your eyebrow mischievously. “But we will see after Geoffrey’s play in London, maybe this will repeat. Who knows?”

“You are such a naughty girl, Y/N. And naughty girls get punishments.” Alan whispered to your ear with his silky voice.

Taglist:

@snapefiction @lizlil @elizabeth-baelish @misselsbells06 @mais-e @lunnybunny12 @anfre109 @entirelymesmerising @wolvesofwinter13 @mrssnivellussnape @mestin-writes @echoofawind @pamelalur15 @myamortentia

If you wanna be on my taglist, let me know!

[bakubub]

In which racer!kuroo is your roommate, and seems to only like it when you treat his wounds... (word count: 1.9k)

Ngl quite proud of this one!!

Warnings: 18+, a whole lot of swearing, a whole lot of blood, innuendos and implied nsfw, reader almost vomits (NOT from pregnancy chill, I know we're all scarred but its going to be just fine) and if you're squeamish perhaps skip the scene where reader stitches his wound?

Also bit of a disclaimer: I am in NO WAY a med student and literally all of my knowledge is from movies and other fics... so if you acc know what to do in this situation this may be a torturous for you :D

All due credits go to @aikk00​ for this AMAZING fanart!!!!

I watch as my roommate enters the penthouse, once again scratched up and bleeding, covered in so much blood there is no possible way that it was all his- if it was he would not be standing.

I launch myself off the couch- where I was sitting for the past hour nervously waiting for his return- and slip my arm under his, supporting him as we inched towards the bathroom.

"I can do this by myself you know," he grumbles, his grimace revealing just how much pain he was actually in.

"Mhm, I'm sure you can. Just like you boiled that poor egg by yourself last week, hmm?" I say sarcastically, trying to keep my mind calm and clear, because oh my god it looks really bad this time...

"Oi, its not my fault it fuckin' exploded," he mutters, voice laden with pain.

"You put it in the microwave because 'the shitty water wasn't doing its job.' Of course it would explode," I say, gently seating him on the closed toilet seat and taking out my supplies that I unfortunately have become rather accustomed to using. He's made it a habit to get himself injured.

"Where's the injury?" I ask, setting down my half-empty bottle of antiseptic and box of bandages. He peels off his shirt, cringing at the pain it brought him as the fabric was stuck to the gash that went from his left pectoral down to the middle of his chest.

"Pissed off a bidder after winning a race, fucker took out a knife once he realised he couldn't beat me up," he huffs out, arrogance still lacing his tone even with sweat dripping down his brow as he leans the back of his head onto the tile wall behind him. His Adam's apple bobs down his bloodstained neck as he speaks, and I quickly look away, focusing on the injury at hand.

Not his blood soaked, but nevertheless well defined pectoral muscles, nor the abs that my hands occasionally brush up against and know how hard they really are, and definitely not the trail of black hairs that lead down, down, down...

"What's wrong, the view too hot to focus on the work at hand?" He asks suggestively, raising his pierced brow, even in this state.

I'm quick to reply, having gotten used to his flirtatious remarks from the second I moved into his penthouse, "nope can't even see the view from that massive head of yours. Not to mention your permanent bed head."

He huffs out a laugh, then proceeds to flinch from the pain it must have caused.

"Stop moving, idiot. You're going to exacerbate the cut!" I say, quickly grabbing a damp towel and beginning to clean up his abdomen, whilst simultaneously pressing another rag to his wound to stop the bleeding.

“At least you admit that there is a hot view,” he says in his low voice, gazing at me from his position.

I simply roll my eyes.

No falling in love. That was the deal we had made on the day he offered me a place to stay in exchange for my services as a maid and apparently, a nurse. I cook, clean and basically keep the house running while this moron goes out and acts like the idiot he is. In my defense, dorms are expensive as hell, and his penthouse is nearby. Plus, I don't have to pay rent. It's a win-win situation.

But the feelings stirring up inside my heart might just ruin the dynamic we have going on and simultaneously take out a whole lot of cash out of my pocket.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Once his skin isn't completely saturated in blood, and the wound has (thankfully) stopped bleeding, I add some antiseptic onto a make-up pad and begin to dab at his wound, earning winces and slight grunts from the massive man.

"The cut looks deep, Kuroo. You need to go to the hospital," I say, worry lacing my tone as my eyebrows crease and earn yet another huffing laugh.

"Do you want me to rot in prison for the rest of my life?"

I roll my eyes at his response, deliberately dabbing just a little harder which earns me a yelp and an attempted glare in my direction.

"First off, illegal street racing won't send you to prison for your entire life, just for like, half a year. Second, this wound needs stitches, and believe it or not, I'm not a fucking licensed medic. In fact, the only experience I have is with you!" I say, immediately regretting my choice of words as I wait for his remark.

"That's what she said," He says, chuckling at his own innuendo.

I sigh in frustration, pouring more antiseptic to make sure there was no chance of infection from whatever grimy ass knife stabbed him, and beginning to gently scrub the wound with a soft towel, so as to make sure there was no debris left in there.

"You're gonna have ta do it," he mutters, his hazel eyes boring into mine.

"I- I can't Kuroo, you can't possibly think-"

"Fine. I'll do it. Go get me a needle and thread," he states, struggling but nevertheless, sitting upright on the red stained toilet.

I stare at Kuroo in disbelief as he utters these words. Was he dumber than I thought? Does he have some sort of head injury too?

I examine his face and all I come up with is unnerving determination. I exhale out of my nose sharply, "fine, dammit. I'll sew your fucking wound shut."

I am extremely handy with a sewing needle and thread, used to really be into embroidery back when I had the time so...it should be fine.

He just shrugs, leaning his head back against the tiles and closing his eyes.

"Fucking asshole. Can't believe I'm saving your damn life," I mutter, leaving the bathroom to dig through my wardrobe for my sewing box and taking out a gold silk thread that I was saving for a special project.

Well, I guess that will never happen.

"Hey, I found some silk thread. It's literally known for its strength and durability in high temperatures, so it should work like a charm!" I say, walking back into the blood stained bathroom and trying to psych myself up.

He grunts in response. I sigh as I begin with mopping up the excess blood and sanitising the needle and thread before chucking on gloves.

I wipe the antiseptic over the wound once more, and examine it carefully.

Well, if his condition worsens, I can always knock him out and call an ambulance...

I decide, screw it, and thread the needle, pretending it was just another embroidery project.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, I chant as I puncture his skin with the thin needle.

Kuroo gasps in pain, and I place a hand on his knee, telling him to suck it up and deal with it, half talking to him but also to myself.

To my surprise, he listens, stretching his head back once more and gritting his teeth.

"Don't do that, here put this in-between your teeth," I say, grabbing yet another towel and shoving it into his mouth.

He obeys as I continue to stitch. I feel my gag reflex kicking in as I think about how stitching skin feels as though I am stitching leather, it feels hard and tough while pushing the thin needle through.

Must hurt like a bitch.

Once I've completed my neat stitches down the wound, without vomiting, I tie it off as I would with any embroidery, and clean the area free of any remaining blood. After rubbing some antibacterial ointment over the gold stitches, I stick on a particularly large bandage over the wound and start tidying up.

"Thank you," Kuroo mutters, still seated on the toilet seat and practically panting for breath.

"Ah, the criminal knows his damn manners!! Now get up and get in the damn shower. You ruined my pristine bathroom!" I complain, putting the last of the materials away before walking to the door.

"Wait, I- I can't get up." I turn around and look at him incredulously as he utters his next few words, "will you... shower me?"

My eyes just about pop out of their sockets at his request. "Are you insane?! I'm not your mother, nor your wife! Call your pudding haired friend and tell him to come shower you!"

He shakes his head, a rare pleading look taking the place of his usual arrogant smirk, "Kenma's too lazy to shower himself, Y/n, please!"

I contemplated it for a moment. Sure, I've seen him naked before, accidentally of course, and so what if I have to scrub him clean. God knows he can't do it himself with that damn injury.

Fuck this shit.

"Fine, get up right now." I bark at him, leaving to change out of my blood soaked pjs into a pair of shorts and a tank.

"...I just said I can't."

---

"Ow, y/n, you're scrubbing too hard!" He complains, his exfoliating glove around my hand as I rub his toned back clean of any dead skin-cells and blood remains.

"But look how much stuff is coming off!" I say gleefully, enjoying this a little too much.

Kuroo, seated on the built-in bench in the open shower with his red boxers on, looks back to see the satisfaction dripping from my features.

"Are you secretly a sadist?" he whispers. In response, I begin to rinse off his raw back with hot water, causing him to screech like a cat.

"It burns, it burns-”

“Shut the fuck up, moron! It's 4 in the morning, you’re going to annoy our neighbours. I tried very hard to get in their good graces, and Mrs. Suzuki still doesn’t like me! She definitely thinks I’m some kind of hooker…” Kuroo laughs at this, and I can’t help but watch as his whole face brightens up from his usual emotionless expression. I find myself smiling in response.

I grab his expensive shampoo and pour some into my hands, beginning to massage it into his scalp. With wet hair, his raven strands are for once flat on his head and reach down to his defined jawline. Kuroo groans under my touch, leaning into my fingers. I snatch my hands back and pour hot water over his head.

"ARGH! Y/N!" He screams, hastily getting up and wetting me in the process.

"Ah- what are you-" I don't get to finish my question as he grabs my arm and yanks me next to him under the hot water, soaking my clothes and my hair.

"You asshole!" I screech as I reach up to pull his hair in defiance, but he only grabs my arm and hooks it around his neck, leaning down to look directly into my eyes.

Our noses brushing against one another, he mutters, "You look pretty with your hair wet and your shirt see through."

It takes me a moment to get past the compliment and to hear the perverted comment that he just uttered.

He sees my look of confusion and laughs, bends over, clutches his stomach and laughs, before bellowing in pain because of his injury.

Smiling smugly down at him as he grimaces, I force him to sit back down and continue massaging the shampoo into his hair, warning him that if he so much as moaned I would leave him in here, dripping wet and in pain.

"That's what he said," is his reply.

I smack his head in response.

Notes, interactions and reblogs are highly appreciated <3

[lululawrence]

Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

[equizona]

Hiii!! How are you? I hope you are doing great💕✨

I wanted to request headcanons for the bros having a normal dinner at the HoL until Mc who used to have really long hair shows up with a self-cuted bob, you can tell they cutted it by themselves but it’s still cute. When the bros asked about it they responded that they were having a really bad day and they cut their hair as an alternative to self harm.

If you feel uncomfortable you can skip the self harm part! I understand! I was just having a bad day and I decided to cut my hair for the same reasons and my Mamá didn’t take it really nicely, and idk i guess I just want comfort. Thank you I love your writing and again, I hope you have a nice day💕💕✨✨

Scenario: cutting your hair as an alternative to self harm

Note: Hello there! First, I wanna say how proud I am of you, even if I don't know you. The fact you cut your hair instead of cutting is amazing and I am so proud of you. I hope you continue to stay strong, and I'm sorry this took so long! Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. [P.S: I did change the request up but it's mostly the same!]

Fandom: Obey Me!

Character's: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphegor.

Reader: Kinda G-N! But also has hints that you're most likely a female in this.

Warnings: self harm mentions?

He's very confused.

He does NOT remember you ever leaving the house of lamentation, and your hair was still long earlier this morning.

What happened?

He'll ignore it though.

He'll give you compliments about your hair, and he'll be surprised when you say you cut it on your own.

Tells you that you have talent.

After dinner, he'll ask for you to meet up with him in his office.

He'll immediately ask you why you cut your hair.

Was something wrong? Did you simply want a change? Are you sure you won't regret it? He could find you someone who could grow your hair back out for you if you did?

When you tell him you did that instead of self cutting he's... uncertain on how to feel.

Firstly, he is EXTREMELY proud of you for deciding to do that rather than cut yourself.

He's also a bit disappointed in himself that he didn't notice.

He'll pull you in for a hug, and tell him how proud he is of you for doing that. And how lovely your hair looks short.

He'll tell you to talk to him if you ever feel that you need to cut, and you don't have any other option.

Or if you are simply sad.

He'll get you a therapist if you don't want to speak to him or his brothers.

He'll do almost anything so that you can feel better.

Won't get you knives or things that you can hurt yourself with, but anything else is fair game.

Shocked because why???

Your hair was so nice, and silky! And he loved running his fingers through it and making different hairstyles and all that fun stuff.

He's kinda sad.

But also, you look really good with that hair style?

And you did it on your own?

....ever thought about opening a hair salon? People would pay so much if you had that much talent and skill.

Now, Mammon is most likely the one that is the best on emotions of ALL his brothers.

He can tell when you're not feeling yourself, and it's only like 100 times stronger thanks to the pact you both have.

He'll talk to you when you're both cuddled up in your room, asking you what happened.

When you tell him he'll put the mask he usually has on down and let you know how amazing you are and how proud he is.

Will offer to speak to Lucifer about getting you a therapist, if you'd like.

It won't matter if this is a common way you feel, it only happens once or twice or this only happened once.

He'll do anything you ask of him.

'Cause he loves you more than even money.

Kinda jealous because he' never be able to look good with a hairstyle like that.

And then you're just like

"Oh, I cut it myself."

And he just shirt circuts.

You can cut hair? And even more importantly, your own hair!?!?!?!??!?!

That's so cool!

Why did you never tell him?

At least he's happy that it doesn't seem like any of the others knew about it either.

Now, I honestly feel like Levi's bad thoughts about himself has led him down the path of self harm.

He's surpsingly strong willed, and almost always manages to catch himself and do something else.

And he recognizes what you did as a common thing to do instead.

Asks just to be sure.

And when you tell him that yes, that was why you did it, he's heartbroken.

You don't deserve feelings like that. Actually, you deserve everything good and only the good.

He'll be a lot nicer, doing his best to give you compliments on the new hairstyle and telling you how proud he is.

Mainly fails, but it's okay.

He's trying, and he'll try his best for you to be happy.

<3<3<3<3<3

This man feeds off of anger, so if you did it in a fit of rage or anger, no matter small, he's there in a second to ask how you're doing.

If not? He won't notice. It's only anger he can feel, much to his dismay.

He'll have troubles connecting the dots at first, and will only be handing you out compliments next to Asmo.

Then it hits him that it might be more to it, considering how you're acting.

He'll wait until after dinner and claim you have to help him with something.

Get's really angry when you tell him why you did it.

Not at you though, never at you. At himself, and lucifer, at everything.

He won't keep it up long though, calming down really quickly.

He'll ask you to sit down and read with him, or he'll read to you. Or you can do something on your D.D.D while he reads.

Whatever you want.

Hell, he might decide to let you drag him out somewhere.

Whatever it takes to make you feel even a tiny bit better.

Immediately gushing about how amazing you look with the new hairstyle.

He wants to know where you cut it in the first ten seconds he sees you.

Super shocked when he finds out you did it on your own.

Will ask you to trim his hair sometime.

To be fair, he's no stranger to doing things about his appearance in a fit of strong emotion.

Something Lucifer isn't always the happiest about.

He won't point it out though, if you want to talk, you know he's there.

He drops hints like that, just to be sure.

If you do tell him the reason, he'll immediately pull you in for a hug and shower you in compliments.

Not only on your appearance, but on how amazing you did to cut your hair instead of cutting your skin.

Self care day

He'll push away any of his brothers, doing his best to make you feel the most confident you have ever felt in your own body

Also, he'll make sure you know he's there for you and offer to get a therapist if you'd like one

When it starts to get late he'll put on a movie in the background and cuddle you💞💞💞

He thinks you look great with the new hairstyle!

You looked amazing before as well, but you also look amazing now!

Honestly, he kinda forgets about it during the dinner, a hair cut doesn't change who you are and you're still his very best friend and love of his life

He'll do his normal "get up at 12am and drag you for midnight snacks."

And if you tell him, he'll drop his food and pull you in for a hug

He doesn't say much, but offers you his food.

Whenever he's sad, food makes him feel better, so he does what he knows and hopes it'll share you up too

He'll also be willing to do anything you ask

Want him to carry you? Hug you? Cuddles? Want him to talk to lucifer for you? Want to vent? Want to cry?

He's there for you

Honestly, I doubt he even notices.

He's to busy sleeping to care.

When he DOES notice it's when he drags you down to sleep and tries nuzzling his face into your long hair-

Wait it's gone?

He'll get kinda pissy, 'cause he liked your long hair, but then he noticed it's still super soft and just goes back to sleep

He won't even bring up the possibility that you did it as an alternative to self harm

It crossed his mind but he refuses to believe it

If you tell him, he'll react kinda negatively, and won't talk to you

For like 30 minutes max

Most likely only for like 5 minutes though

He'll realize that he should be there for you

Isn't sure what to do, so he just kinda cuddles you and apologies for how he reacted

He's very lazy put he puts in an extra effort to tell you how proud he is

Because cutting your hair is way better than hurting yourself and you did super good doing the hair cutting instead

He'll let his brothers help you during the day, and have you cuddle with him at night so he can make sure you have the best dreams

I'd say he's horrible at it, but the effort is actually pretty obvious and he makes sure you're guarded in the night

He tries

His best

And it works to some degree

<3

[visenyavires]

Bleed Not For Death, But For Love

Chapter 3: Devotion, You Shall Have

Warning: Blood and sorta NSFW scene ahead!!!

I stare at myself in my vanity (like I had the time to) trying to figure out what to wear, how to do my hair, and honestly, how to compose myself. She called me “My Darling” in the letter she just left for me, rather than by my name. Maybe it was a new pet name? I honestly couldn’t tell, but I am freaking out on the inside about it. Did she pick up on my subtle hint of admiration I gave her in the Hall of Ablution? My mind is absolutely racing as I snap out of my dissociation trance and put on a plain, black, full-length dress, and pull my hair half up. I throw on some black heels that I bought in Italy as well and check to make sure I look presentable in the mirror. I pull a few wisps of hair down to frame my face elegantly and leave my chambers. It's about a 3-minute walk from my room to hers, but 2 if I speed walk. I walk quickly but also try to avoid being out of breath by the time I reach her chambers. “Draga Mea…,” her voice echoes in my mind as well as the image of her bathing in the thick, ruby liquid. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m actually beginning to obsess over it.

I reach her chamber door and the smell of ambrosia and hand-rolled cigarettes reaches my nose. I take a deep breath in and savor the atmosphere it creates before I raise my hand to knock.

“Come in, dear,” I hear her coax from behind the door embossed with a large, golden house sigil. I open the door to see her standing at the balcony, a wine glass in one hand and a freshly lit cigarette in the other. She’s wearing a long, black gown very similar to the one she normally wears with red roses for her brooch that matches her scarlet lips. She is still wearing her iconic sun hat with the wide brim and her pearl necklace with her house sigil as the pendant. She takes a long drag from her cigarette and exhales slowly before turning and walking to the left to reveal a glass of red wine sitting on a small table, untouched as well as two chairs, one larger than the other.

“Have a seat,” she commands, but not harshly. I do as I’m told and she hands me the glass of wine. I make eye contact with her as she sits in the larger chair opposite me and she takes another drag from her cigarette before speaking.

“Do you know why I summoned you here tonight, Y/N?” She asked with that slight commanding tongue. She lets her hand with her cigarette hang loosely. I stifle a shudder, hoping I didn’t mess anything up.

“No, my Lady, I’m afraid I don’t,” I say as I look down at the wine glass I’m holding in my lap.

“As the Grand Chambermaid, there are some things you need to know,” she begins.

“First, you need to know that I have extremely high expectations, which is why no one here chose to step up to the position you have claimed. Second, you need to understand that these expectations are strict. There is very little room to change the order and manner I desire them to be done. Given that you had no time to prepare for today, yet you still exceeded those expectations, I want to reward you with some of my finest red blend.” She said, her tone softening only a little bit.

“I also wanted to make you aware that as my Grand Chambermaid, your orders come straight from me and no one else.” Her tone had a hint of darkness in it and made me wonder what happened at her meeting today.

“Even Mother Miranda?” I ask, hoping I didn’t step out of line. She takes a second to pause, clearly trying to make up her mind on if this is something she really wants to go through with.

“You are an outsider of the village, you do not need to take orders from her. I am the one paying your salary, so you are mine and mine alone,” she declares possessively.

“Yes my Lady, I shall only take orders from you,” I nod, keeping eye contact.

“That’s a good girl,” she purrs and leans back in her seat and crosses her legs, relaxing. I exhale silently, but heavily. She’s playing with me, I can feel it. I was so sure I was in trouble for a moment. I bring the wine glass to my nose and sniff the aged liquid before I take a sip. It’s possibly the best wine I’ve ever tasted. Her eyes are glued to me as I lower my glass and smile.

“This is divine, my Lady. I’ve never had anything quite like it.” I say, trying not to be too ecstatic about it.

“That’s because it’s my own blend,” she says, her chin tilting up and her eyes staying locked on me. She’s proud, and I’m impressed.

“There’s no blood in that specific blend. That is the kind I sell to mortals. My personal favorite is my Sanguis Virginis. It’s not for human consumption,” she states with a serious tone. I take another sip and sit back in my own chair, trying to mimic her body language.

“I didn’t know you ran a wine business, my Lady,” I say, indicating that I would like to hear more. She has kept her eyes on me the entire time, watching my every move. She ignores my invitation to talk more about it, she seems to have other plans.

“The other reason I summoned you here tonight is that I have a long-standing tradition with my willing Grand Chambermaids,” she says huskily. My breath catches as she draws one last drag from her cigarette before she leans forward to put it out. She takes a sip of her “wine” and relaxes in her seat again.

“You spoke earlier about devotion and loyalty. I want to know how far you’re willing to go,” she states with a hint of challenge in her tone. Now she’s testing me. She’s making it very obvious that she knows what I desire. I could only come up with one answer, and for once, my anxiety didn’t stop me from speaking.

“How far do you want me to go?” I asked, rather bravely. To this, she grins somewhat wickedly. Her golden eyes turn glassy and I suddenly realize… she’s hungry.

I stand and set my glass of wine down, my heart racing. I know she can sense it. She uncrosses her legs, sits at the edge of her chair, and reaches her gloved hand out for me to take. I slip her glove off to reveal an elegant hand with sharp, scarlet red nails. She turns her palm upward to grab my hand and pulls me between her legs up to the edge of the seat, her skirt is the only thing that separates me from her skin. I stand only a few inches taller than her seated form and her mouth is perfectly aligned with the middle of my neck. My heart pounds, her eyes fixate on my pulse point. Our faces are mere inches apart and she looks up slowly to meet my infatuated stare. I see thick desire meshed with hunger in her eyes, and I know she sees how much I want this.

She rests her gloved hand on the small of my back and watches herself caress my neck with her nails before returning her gaze up to mine. I get chills all over my body.

“Devotion, you shall have,” I say huskily. She grins and lets out a vocal sigh of pleasure, almost a laugh. I close my eyes as she takes a sharp nail and slices into my neck ever so slightly. I manage to suppress a wince as the sting takes over my skin. I gasp with pleasure as I feel her tongue lick up the pooling blood from the fresh cut. I hear a soft moan come from her throat as she presses her lips to my neck and she pulls me closer by the small of my back so that I’m leaning slightly backward. Her free hand slides over my shoulder blades and grabs the base of my neck to keep me still and close. She separates her lips from my skin only for a moment to speak in a deep, raspy tone.

“Devotion, I shall take, Draga Mea,” she says seductively and sinks her teeth into the open cut she created. I gasp at the sensation, which excites her and she pulls me closer so that I am now flush against her body. She’s leaning forward into me while pulling me close, her strong arms hold me effortlessly in a position where I am slightly reclined and practically sitting on her thigh. My body curves perfectly around her breasts and I can feel her throat pulsing against my chest as she drinks. She lets out a deep moan of pure pleasure like she hasn’t experienced this sensation in a long time. She holds me impossibly close and I feel a rush of euphoria, enough that I feel one hand run through her raven curls, the other hand slide to the back of her neck, and my leg that's furthest from the chair lifts to wrap around her waist. This only excites her more and she tightens her grip and sinks her teeth deeper. I let out an involuntary moan combined with a sigh and tilt my head back, in my own world of bliss. I realize this was all I’ve ever truly wanted, and I finally have it.

……….

A few moments later, my head begins to feel light and as if she could sense it, she slows down and reluctantly separates her lips from my neck as if it pains her. She lets out a gasp like she forgot to breathe the entire time and I know she’s dying to go back in for more. But instead, she looks down at me and tilts her head to the side ever so slightly, and gives me a divine, scarlet grin.

“My, my, Draga Mea, you are the best I’ve tasted in ages. You are pure încântare,” she purrs with a touch of adoration as she sits me up to blot her mouth with her handkerchief. I meet her gaze and smile lightly, happy that I was able to please her. She notices I’m light-headed and effortlessly lifts me with one arm under my knees and the other around my back. With her long strides, it’s a matter of seconds before we reach her bed, the biggest one I’ve ever seen. She sets me down gently and lights a candle beside me. She closes the doors and heavy curtains to the balcony to block out the sun that’s about to rise and removes her hat and jewelry. She then lays next to me with a handkerchief and blots the open wound on my neck dry as she hums an unfamiliar tune. I close my eyes and succumb to sleep, that tune fading more and more with each passing second.

……….

I wake up a few hours later tucked into my own bed, my hair taken down and brushed, my shoes neatly placed by my bed, but I’m still in my gown from the night prior. I know I have several hours left to sleep before I have to be up for work but I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I touch my neck to feel the marks she left behind and I smile widely. It wasn’t a dream.

Tomorrow, I am to meet her at dusk once more to help with her daily soak. Her daughters also requested my presence at midnight, what exactly for remains unknown. The last time I saw them was when I first arrived, so I wonder what scheme they’ve spent the whole night cooking up. But I won’t lie to myself, the impending conversation I’m to have with Lady Dimitrescu in a few hours is one I’m extremely nervous but excited to have. If I wasn’t infatuated before, I certainly am now, and now I can show it a little more openly.

I roll over in bed and see something sitting on the table in front of the fireplace. I have come to adore the mysteriously delivered items she leaves for me. I sit up but immediately get dizzy. There is a fresh glass of water sitting on my nightstand. Alcina Dimitrescu… I would’ve never taken her for the type to care for you after intimacy. I drink almost the whole glass and then try to stand. I’m able to walk to the table to reach the bottle of wine she had opened just for me. Beside it was yet another note written in perfect cursive.

“Draga Mea,

Here’s some wine to fill that glass you love so much. It pained me that you didn’t get to finish your treat. Rest while you can, I’ll see you at dusk in the Hall of Ablution.

Întotdeauna a ta,

- Alcina”

“Always yours” signed with just “Alcina.” Her signature was informal. She’s beginning to get comfortable with me. I’m shocked and extremely flattered. I know that Grand Chambermaids are supposed to be close with their Ladies, but she had no hesitation or fear. She simply was and I adore her for that. I wonder what she has planned in the Hall of Ablution and what all will be said.

I uncork the wine and inhale deeply, all the memories flooding back to me. I smile with pure contentment, close the bottle, and walk back to bed. The only reason I’m able to fall back to sleep is because I know it will help the time pass faster before I can see her again in a few hours. I play the tune she hummed to me over in my head until I drift into a dreamless sleep, only to be startled awake by distant, mischievous giggling, and it seems to be getting closer…

To be continued...

***** STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 4, THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS ONLY BEGINNING >:) COMMENT BELOW IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED TO MY TAG LIST*****

Next: Chapter 4: Dangerous Game

Previous: Chapter 2: My First Day