#tw; venting

[sioraiocht]

//Hello ❤️ I just wanted to take a minute to apologise if I haven’t been as present a rp partner lately.

I’ve been trying really hard to keep up replies and juggle stuff irl but I sorta now just feel like I’m constantly disappointing people and that’s never what I want because I literally adore everyone I write with. I love being here but lately I feel stressed and like I’m doing everything wrong which is never my intention. I know I can be slow ooc but I genuinely have the lowest social battery and I’m forgetful af. I work full time and then have a busy life outside of work too which means that sometimes I’ll see messages, say I’ll reply later and then forget to. Or, by the time I do have free time I’m too exhausted for anything but bed and scrolling through TikTok. I’m also rarely on the dash these days because I’m so behind on my replies that I just spend all my time in my drafts when I am here.

I just never want to disappoint people but I needed to be transparent about where I’m at currently etc and I’m sorry if I’ve let people down when it comes to writing

Love you all ❤️

[yuichiroswife]

{ I know me saying this doesn't matter since I'm barely here to begin with, but I likely won't be here for a while because my dad just asked me how I felt about getting a puppy that my sister keeps trying to talk my mom into and I hysterically bursted into tears due to me remembering the way our previous dogs died. It obviously had a much bigger impact on me than most thought and now I'm just terrified to have any new pets because I literally cannot handle them dying. }

[early20sfailingplenty]

My Ambrose is out there somewhere.

My home.

TW; bad home life, bad relationship with parents, venting but also comforting myself. i need to hear all of this and maybe someone else does too.

A place where I'm not daily told things like, "you're given the grace of being allowed to put posters up on your walls even though dad doesn't like the marks left behind from the blutac you use, but your brother isn't because dad doesn't like him" (this was today's comment and I'm still reeling. Had to cry it out, it made me uncomfortable and I felt sick and I don't understand why)

or

"make sure you do your washing up after every meal, don't leave it for someone else" even though most days I do everyone's dishes, including my own, and barely receive a thank you for it. All I get is a "you shouldn't have done that. Naughty!" like I'm a child and not a twenty five year old woman who is very self-sufficient and was just seeing how stressed her parents were and wanted to help out.

or

"just stop worrying about it" when I try to open up to one of my parents about my fears of a future which is looking bleaker and bleaker. a place where i'm never listened to, even if i bother opening up i only ever feel worse for it. i never feel safe here, i always try to keep myself quiet and even if no one is around, i'll lock my bedroom door and use headphones to listen to music because even if i'm just watching tv in my room, any evidence i'm in here is "just noise" and met with the door being shut even if i don't want it to be.

a place where i'm made to feel like my existence is my fault and i must apologise for it. a place where i'm always left to cry alone, to scrape myself up off the floor because even if they heard me, they wouldn't come in to comfort me. they'd leave me to it, leave me to handle myself alone, and so i no longer bother asking for help or comfort from them. i just do it alone. i'm not sure i'd know how to accept comfort if given, so when friends speak to me kindly or say they love me, i burst into tears because i need them but they're all the way on the other side of the world and i am here alone.

or

"this is my house, my rules", even though i pay rent to occupy it. here in this house is my bedroom, the one i've rotted in lived in since i was fifteen. my bedroom, with the dark green floral carpet and the white walls they promise they will paint once every year. they've redecorated the house so many times, spent weeks painting out my brother's room and the kitchen and the living room, but they never ever do mine and it hurts. especially because when i offer to do it myself, i hear, "your bedroom isn't yours just because you pay rent. you're only borrowing it." and so i'm stuck with a room i hated at fifteen (except the carpet - i love the carpet) and i hate it now at twenty five.

or to never be told that my parents are proud of me, to not be told that I'm doing something right, to not be told that I'm not secretly a bad person, I'm just human and therefore messy and too hard on myself. Too self-aware, too, which is a huge problem as well. to be told unprompted that they love me. i shouldn't have to ask to be loved, but i do, so i never ask. i want it to be a natural thing but they never say it, i never ask, and the wound keeps festering.

a place where i won't be a soundboard to my mother and to realise that i'm so very very much like her; we have the same nervous habits, we have similar ways of shutting down or being emotional when we're overwhelmed and i'm fucking terrified every second of every day to become her, or maybe i am already her but like her, i just can't see it. my parents always tell me "you're your mother, but twenty years younger" and they mean it as a compliment but it makes me feel sick. i don't want to become my parents, i don't i don't i don't.

a place where i'm made to feel like i really would do anything for my parents' approval or some sign that they want me, love me. me, and not all the things i do for them. i did many things for them today, like i do every day, and not a single thing for me and time is running out time is running out time is running out....

my Ambrose is out there somewhere.

my home is out there somewhere and i will be free from this place one day.

one day, i will turn the corner of a long and confusing, hard and complicated road, and Ambrose will stretch out in front of me, and just like how i experience this wide shot of it in House of Wax, I will smile, breathe, and think, home. it will fit me like a glove, and i will be free. to exist, to play music loudly, to shower when i want, to go and get food at night when i'm hungry, to not have to feel like i'm always doing something wrong even if all i'm doing is making a cup of coffee, to not have to watch my tone and monitor how i speak to people because there are easily triggered tempers in this house and i am afraid of confrontation and anger, raised voices and shouting, one day i can have my own room decorated in my own way and pay rent KNOWING my space is mine. so i can do what i want with it.

all i have are tomorrows and somedays and one days, but this isn't my forever. my Ambrose is out there waiting for me. it has to be. this isn't my forever. i will be free one day💖.

[chronosbled]

{ Had a little bit of an emotional breakdown because of something I've been trying to do since yesterday afternoon and I haven't really slept at all because of it so pardon me if I'm not really here or even seem really distracted/distant. }

[ravusnightblossom]

ooc; I still have a mountain of drafts here, I know. And I especially apologize for the ones that have been sitting since April. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. I will get to them, I swear. I’m eagerly awaiting that lightening of a work load that I was assured now that I’ve hired on new employees. I want my life back. This schedule is absurd. I am a tired and overheated Fox. On top of that, I have a fever that’s lasted about four days now and they have no idea what the source is? No infections, no ‘Vid, no dehydration, no detectable viruses, just fever. So, that’s fun. *sits in own sweat*  

[rainywhispersblog]

[caffeinatedloser]

I suck at this disorder

[cupcakeshakesnake]

It took me too long to realize that not all the world is my enemy

[ID: A comic done mostly in black and white. A hound with a broken chain around its neck flees a cage and runs into two reaching hands. The hound bites one hand, drawing blood. Narration says, "When I fled my cage / I bit the hands that took me in / Because the only hand I'd ever known / was a bad one."

The hands, now with fresh bite marks, still reach out gently to the hound. ""We're not him." they said / and I knew what they meant / but I didn't understand."

Floating in white space: "Now I understand / but the damage is done."

A person enters a door, rolling a suitcase, saying "Hi" to two people on a couch, who look up from their newspapers and phones to say "Hey" and "Hi" back. The shadow of the person who entered the room stretches out before them-- a hound's, not a person's. Narration: "I'm so sorry / I couldn't help it / I couldn't help myself."

We see the hands of the people on the couch. Both have faded bite marks on them. "I was so blind, I forgot / that not all hands are made of iron." End ID]

(ID by @princess-of-purple-prose)

[mariekins]

that euphoric feeling i got when we’re laying in bed and he ran his hand down my stomach and said, “did you get skinnier? ..you got skinnier”

[thecorvidforest]

boy it would be nice to be able to google something related to personality disorders, psychosis, intellectual disabilities, autism, DID/OSDD, etcetera without finding majority articles that are like “how to deal with a person with X” “how to cope with your child with X” “how to spot someone faking X” “can people with X be cured?”

[borderlinejackiee]

[maudek]

I will never tell anyone I starve myself because then they’ll wonder why I’ve made like no progress and that’s so embarrassing. Like I bet they won’t believe me.

[muggle-born-princess]

Reblog if you're LGBT and are against MAPS/Child Groomers

[soulvniaaa]

list of things i do instead of binging 🍧🌸✨

• brush teeth

• workout

• get out of the house

• get ready

• paint ur nails (can’t eat if they are drying)

• get a drink

• watch a movie (a triggering one usually)

• scroll thru tumblr

• clean

• take a shower or bath

• hangout w friends

• take ur dogs (if u have any) on a walk

• school work

• scroll on tiktok

• read a book

• do ur skincare routine

• straighten or curl ur hair

• drink water

• weigh yourself (i def am not hungry after i see the number)

• if u smoke then smoke a cig it makes me not have an appetite after and it’s something to keep my mouth busy

• go on a hike

• get your nails done (can’t move your hands therefore you can’t eat)

*or i just think abt something bad that happened to me that i’ll never get over ever!*

and that’s all i can think of rn but if you guys know any other things then feel free to share

[mariekins]

nobody cares how pretty your face is if you’re fat.

or at least that’s what i’ve learned

[borderlinejackiee]