#also I didnt do yesterday because i was sick ^^ BUT IM BACK

[poweredbygoldsrc]

DAY 5 - TRICKSTER

[bunnyboy-juice]

awawawawawawa

[jinwoosbabyboo]

EEEEE I LOVE YOUR WEITING AND THOUGHTS AND SELF SO MUCH!!!! <3333 so, I'm curious....about what you think about the fact that mc had to be killed multiple times in this time line...when she was a child...that's darker than a usual ask sorry but I can't stop thinking it. Do you think the lads know about it? Cause I suspect that Caleb definitely does, and some how I also think Raphel does too 😬

And if they didnt...how would they react?? Cause I forget if mc knows or not but she's much too chill for her situation like......ma'am......

You're gonna make me blush ☺️🩵 I had a day from hell yesterday and it rolled over into today a little which is why I wanted to just talk to you guys and this made my day better thank you nonnie

Now what do I think.....

I think MC being killed over and over in this timeline is insane bro especially as a child when they were experimenting on her and realized she could die and come back with no memory. I've always thought child experimentation is insane because why are you doing that to a child? My mother actually allowed doctors to study me consistently from the age of 6-17 (they paid her for it) so I've been poked and prodded for a good chunk of my life and it's not fun. I've had so many mri scans, X-rays, needles, treatments, and tests run on me I actually hate hospitals now. I wasn't even sick and I still to this day don't know what they were studying. The only reason they stopped is because I turned 18 and could make my own medical decisions. I could go on and on telling yall what they did to me, but lets not go down that rabbit hole.

Do I think the lads men know?

Caleb - ABSOLUTELY

Caleb definitely remembers everything and im a firm believer this is why he's messed up in the head. He probably watched her forget him time and time again meanwhile he's also being experimented on and those scientists probably pushed him to the brink of death to see if he was like MC. Im sure he's pissed about it which is why he is hell bent on keeping her safe and I commend him for that his love is from a pure place even if he has trouble expressing it

Xavier - ABSOLUTELY

Thats his whole premise of trying to save MC because he's had to watch her be sacrificed to Philos which is why he doesn't have a good relationship with his dad and also why he doesn't want to be king. He literally will let his planet die to save his baby.

Rafayel - YUMP 100%

He's made comments to MC about her bad memory and how she's forgetting something, but he keeps coming back to make her fall in love with him over and over because he physically, emotionally and mentally can't go against her. He's a lemurian they live and die for love I understand why he cries when he's alone my shayla ☹️

Sylus - DEFINITELY

Sylus has his soul is tied to hers I feel like he might've felt her die over and over throughout the years and he was definitely hurt bad when the shopkeeper told him she was disgusted/afraid of him when they finally met again

Zayne - Im not sure actually

I feel like Zayne knows something, but just isn't saying anything because in the 'gift' option for him when he gives mc the jasmine made of ice it feels like he's trying to ask her "are you having dreams of another life like me?"

If they didn't know....

The crash outs - Xavier & Caleb The silent assassin's - Sylus & Rafayel The one that tries to find a way to cope - Zayne

Side note: MC is chill about her situation because she don't know shit literally sis has no memory of shit

[dragon-queen21]

Hi there!!! I hope you’re having a nice day :3

I have had some insane sanji agere angst fics （MYLTIPLE) brewing in my mind and i NEED to express them.

So uhm rambles ^_^

So like. Okay one of them is like everybody is super duper busy working on projects, except sanji. He like finished all his stuff, and he even tried to help out (but again, everyone was busy and didnt rlly want him around) so he ended up going into the aquarium to regress, and as he does, A GROUP OF PIRATES INVADES THE SHIP!! And obviously he isnt able to help because he’s so far down in his regression, but who knows that? Since no body like, helped him with his regression gear or anyrhing, other than the fact he was in his prime regression spot and had coloring supplies (that probably got moved around from the rocking of the ship), he looks… like he’s not regressex. So someone (i ws planning on having zoro !!) quickly goes downstairs to get him and then he has to fight, but he struggles alot. Which is obviously weird for their chef?? But regardless maybe he’s just tired.. so they leave it be and he ends up getting like injured a little during his fights, and it MESSES with him. Loke he goes all panicky and like worries about being a bad crewmate once the fight is over, and he is like freaking out. And he has like a mini meltdown (which he eventually gets found by nami or sum anf she puts the peices together nd then helps him calm down ^_^!!)

-im in the works of writing that one rn 💔💔

AND THENNN!! Anither one (bc my brain loves baby sanji angst) is him regressing while on an island, because he cant find anybidy wlse (which usually doesnt happen but it can.) and he gets all nervous bc suddenly he’s like zoro and cant find his way back,, and he again, has a freakout after getting lost. But uh. Zoro also happpens to be lost and finds him and totally does not get lost on the way back to the ship

-I got lost in a target with my boyfriend yesterday so uh. Thats where that one came from ^_^!…

Nd then last one i promise. (Sanji sickfic!!) Sanji wakes up really badly ill and in a lower headspace than the rest of the crew has like EVER seen him. So while theyr all struggling to figure out how to take care of the suffering baby, they are also trying to figure out hiw he even got sick??? Like he’s not human how could this happen… anyway baby cries alot and caregivers are trying to figure out like how to help. !!!

YAYYY RAMBLING OVER!!! Thank you for listening :3!

Hi hi!

Oooh bring on the angst!! >:3

~Oooh I love that so much! Adding a couple of ideas going through my head right now, don’t know how much you’ve already written- but anyways. The added angst that Zoro, or whoever goes to get Sanji, is stressed from the attack and end up snapping, especially when Sanji is trying to stutter out something- (the fact that he’s small no doubt)

~And Sanji just assumes that the crew knew he was regressed and just didn’t care. He wasn’t wanted around earlier, maybe they’re realizing he’s a burden. I think this comes partially because Luffy has a huge thing about not fighting when regressed- he’s the captain, it’s his job to do the dangerous stuff while the kiddos stay safe, so having to fight regressed threw him off even more. Also just cause Sanji with insecurity issues.

~Welp, at least we can be lost together <- Zoro probably

~Okay but it’s so scary being regressed and not knowing where you are or where the people you were with went to. Especially because you feel like a kid, but it’s not as though anyone is going to stop and try and help like you might with an actual kid, so you’re just stuck wandering.

~Also again, adding in Sanji’s own insecurities, that even when he knows it’s irrational, there is always that thought telling him that the crew left him behind on purpose

~Baby crying because this is one of the few times he’s gotten sick. Bonus angst would be to add Usopp regressing as well. I speak from experience, but seeing someone sick after loosing a parent to an illness is very triggering. Even if it’s just like, a common cold. It does not help even knowing that rationally. So now the crew has a sick baby on their hands and a sobbing toddler who’s not even sure what he’s so upset about.

~I have a fic started that is similar to this concept, revolving Usopp after Nami got sick, and then again involving his past before joining the crew, so yeah, I really like the idea :3

In fact I loved all of your ideas! I am rooting for you so much to write out all of these ideas! You’ve got this!!!

[cozymochi]

There's always time Cozy!!!

You're doing so well already, and your work and little posts mean a lot to us!! I know it doesn't always seem like it, but there are people who might consider hearing about your day or seeing your art as little drops of joy

So... maybe it's not a lot, but it means a lot to someone, somewhere

Lots of affection (/platonic) from this little anon

then hear about my week.

today i went out and instead of spending 55 bucks on meager groceries i spent 35 on meager groceries because the majority of what i got was “buy one get one free” — not much of a ratio and still expensive but 20 bucks less is 20 bucks less i suppose

but this came after i bought a humidifier only for it to show up like it sustained a freaking bullet wound either during or before shipping but nobody gave a shit. It’s muskrats America so maybe my humidifier DID get shot. it’s cheaper to just crack a window for some humidity in my room. Refund imminent.

two days ago i finished my last art trade from that follower raffle i did (i know i never posted the art i did receive- its not my style but i loved all of them, but tbf most of my recipients didn’t either so i suppose it balances out)

today i finished 75% of my emergency comms from days ago. there’s only one left. after that i’ll finally have a clear plate for the first time in months

i was sick most of the week with a cold (at least i think it was)

still doing the twst oc outfit art meme. tho im slowing down on purpose since im pretty confident that the only person who even likes the challenge is me. Pretty sure all the askers are only doing it out of pity anyhow since im not giving gen art. It’s not nearly as in demand as like…that old wardrobe art meme with all the fake cards and to think…

those are basically obsolete since ⚠️the game started room relaxation on jp and i realized how off base i truly was 👌👍 good thing i never finished. But i was tired of making thankless stuff anyway.

i cleared out my inbox yesterday cuz i knew i would never get back to anything (mainly ask memes i failed completing)

so now instead of 150+ unanswered messages its now a more humble 100 unanswered messages (mind half of that is just my own personal archived bs from like 2017)

Speaking of thankless, there was still drawing other peoples yuu requests in there from 2023. Pretty sure all those askers dont even like twst anymore and the majority of ones i did do never touched my work again. Always makes a homie remember that one is only useful to others so long as you can give them free stuff 👍

the only art that gives me joy is the stuff that i never post.

book 7 makes me frown now but not for the reasons people might automatically jump to but i already vowed never to voice mundane takes or reflections again because [redacted] [noun_error_notfound?] are [adjective_error_notfound(?)] if anyone says anything innocuous

I made tikka masala today.

world bad and i wanna get off of it

i stream drawing art in a discord server with one single other person in it and they are forced to listen to sonic game OSTs until they memorize the games they come from

art bad im never gonna be as good as the ones that sometimes manage to cross my purposely dead dashboard cuz i simply have no sense and have a “just making sure i dont fit in” complex where i dont wanna draw whatever is trendy

i did not put this under read more

i watched a bunch of bratz movies and episodes yesterday and i did not know they made some new mini-series continuation of their main continuity 😭 (apparently it was tiktok exclusive so ofc i didnt know. i dont use that.) so that gave me some joy.

speaking of toktik i was informed that someone apparently reposted my malleus and silver animatic up there >:(

i get a.i references when asked to draw stuff now i and dont like it because a.i but also because i cant read the images well as a result.

maybe people shouldn’t do that, idk.

And i didnt draw for myself today. That was my week.

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 2.20.2025

didnt do an update the last couple days because i was actually a little busier, especially yesterday i was barely home.

on tuesday my friends came to visit, it was sunny outside and they picked me up, we smoked in the car and went out to brunch. then we walked around the huge antique mall in town for like over an hour. i didn't end up finding anything but it was fun just to be out.

i took a nap and laid around. i didn't work on any art.

yesterday i drove and hour and a half to pick up my friend who doesnt drive and we went to pick up my last paycheck from my job and get coffee and stop by to see my friends who had visited. we smoked and drank wine and watched a movie and played some games.

it was nice to be busy for the whole day for once. i didnt get back until after 11.

today i have realllllyyyyy terrible cramps, im feeling frustrated like i just want to eat and not exist. i also still feel a little bit like im sick, ive been feeling that all week but its more noticeable today. probably because of the cramps and my period im extra sensitive.

i took ibuprofen and six gabapentin hoping they will do something to help me feel better. i just want to be alone and lay on the couch and smoke weed and watch tv. i feel too lazy to do anything.

i should also clean my room, its a huge messssssss. and i should try to get in touch with a therapist. i feel like no one is going to want to hear from me or be able to help me.

i feel really alone

[prlite]

had a rlly interesting meditation session last night whilst channelling & connecting to my higher self. i've been (admittingly) slacking due to repeatedly getting sick and a lot of annoying circumstances happening so it had been a while since i had meditated especially for a long time.

i feel like at times due to my circumstances, i get a bit too tired or too lazy to remind myself that i am more than my physical body & more than the situations that i'm put in — like i'd rather slowly slip back into the old mindset & old story (which ik is obviously not good)

but also hilariously enough i never fully go back to my old mindset so i'm stuck in this weird limbo where i dont feel motivated enough to fully acknowledge and embody my true self but i dont feel demotivated enough to completely give up and fall into the old story and go on with life hating everything about myself — idk if its a good thing or a bad thing

but after my very long meditation session, i realised that me slowly faltering and being demotivated all comes from this feeling that i'm crazy for believing this (i'm not the type of person to put other people's beliefs above mine, but i was sadly in a shitty friendgroup that demonised all of this for like 6 months last year...and its lingering in the shadows) or that its just too much effort — but that idea of it being so much effort comes from me actually putting too much effort into it (con of being a chronic black&white thinker).

i randomly meditated on a whim, halfasleep and in need of an energy boost & time to relax and i feel so much better than i usually do and way more regulated and it didnt even need breathing exercises — it usually doesnt need to take so much effort for me cuz i have been doing this for nearly 5 years now but at the same time i feel like whenever i say this people dont rlly believe me and it makes me feel like im crazy...like wow, am i just pretending to meditate for an hour because im not doing it to silence...or because i move here and there...or because i dont do breathing exercises

but whilst i was meditating yesterday i realised when you constantly listen to other people's experiences and start to make them personal & compare — you're going to be stuck. something like meditation or manifesting or even shifting, theyre all personal things and all work different from person to person ; people do it for different reasons & have different beliefs. i cannot be the same as every shifter, every meditater & every manifester...i cant carry the exact same beliefs & thought processes and fully embody every single person so why would i go out of my way to compare and try to scale my experiences with others to see which is more "real" or "truthful"...?

the need to constantly put a show on for others, to almost hold myself back because im worried ill be too "far ahead" — these dont come from me being a "good person" even if i try to be one, they come from a lack of self-trust. i'm not here to be a helper, i was not born to simply assist others...i dont need to be a supporting character in my own life.

my experiences, my beliefs — even if they change in the future, they are still things that i go through. what makes other people's beliefs and experiences more real than mine? nothing. they believe it to be real based on their own reasoning, just like how i can do the same. i dont need to play this game of scaling what is more and less real, and watering down my beliefs and who i am solely so its digestable to others who wouldnt bother to do the same for me...that isnt me being kind, thats me being embarrassed.

it might be a harsh wake-up call but if i only depend on others and how they think, whether i intend to or if its just a habit, i may get close to my desired life but i'll never fully be there. it might be a small setback, but i'd rather have this small setback that i can work through now instead of ignoring it like i have been and being stuck in this limbo...

tldr ; quit listening to others and start listening to yourself

prl ✶⋆.˚

[rosegoldenatlas]

its sleep time!

good news:

today marks exactly 1 year since i came out!

(ALMOST) everybody used my correct name and pronouns the whole day

thats about it

bad news:

my mother deadnamed me and misgendered me the whole day (and was the only person to do so)

afterwards she went on her usual spiel about how "horribly hard it is for her and dificult to use my proper name" and how "its something so difficult that everybody in the family is struggling with immensly!" (no it isnt) (literaly everybody else got it right the whole time) (including my 90 year old grandma with memory loss) (also everybody else found out about my prefered name TODAY and instantly started using it and actualy thanked me for telling them) (my mother is the only one who knew about my name before)

also thanksgiving so i ate too much and am now hating myself for it

ended up going on a slight cutting spree on my shoulder (it was kinda funny because i didnt check how much gauze we had before hand and it turned out we were OUT and i had to scramble to make a makeshift bandage) (dont worry the final result was very hygenic and nothing to worry about, i dont fuck around with first aid) (i dont even know why. i dont care about my life i just NEED to do it right) (although it was unfortunant because i was in such a frenzy when i was cutting myself that all the cuts were really surface level and barely enough to draw blood, and nowhere near as deep as i deserve) (im usualy much better at hurting myself this just passively stings if i had done it right it would be SO MUCH more painful)

anyways that was my day hope yours wasnt too bad?

goin to sleep

hope you have a good night

stay awesome

oooh GOOD NEWS YAY

• Oh wow you're doing better than me! I am genuinely scared to tell my family except my brother and older sister BC they've also got some genderfuckery going on.

• YOOOOO THATS SICK I'm happy 4 u

Bad news is longer.. nooooo.

• what a bitch. Honestly. But hay at least it was just her she's the outlier in this situation.

• write it on your arm in sharpie and wave it aggressively in her face whenever she misgenders u. Or even better if your willing to risk her wrath, misgender her back. Call her a he. Call her their birth name but slightly to the left (so if her name is like Becky call her Bucky). And if she tries to correct you about the name just say that's how you remember learning it and that its hard to change it up after so long. And for the misuse of pronouns just ignore all complaints about them by changing the subject r smthn.

And hey wait why isnt the stuff in parentheses in the good news section!!!??? This is an outrage.

• the point of thanksgiving is to hate yourself afterwards I think. I dunno I don't eat at all really during thanksgiving BC all of the foods are things I really don't like- some to the point of throwing it up later. And we have thanksgiving leftovers for a few nights afterwards so I just have to sneak snacks or I don't eat (we can only eat leftovers until all the thanksgiving food is gone or else its a waste)

• fuckkk girliepop, Red, rule 2 of cutting is always having the stuff to clean up near you o you're gonna do it. (Rule 1 is getting a support system and talking to ppl u trust about it, which you're doing wonderfully.) At least the cuts were shallow and you may think 'but Atlas! That's bad. Now they don't hurt as much' and I say good if they get too deep you might get nerve damage and then it won't hurt at all and it would make everything worse trust me. 'But Atlas! I deserve pain and semi to fully permanent nerve damage!! I'm a bad person! :((' and to that I say where is your proof? Where is the proof of these alleged bad things because right now I haven't seen any and you are not the judge in this court of law you are both the prosecuted and the defendant. Both of whom have shown no evidence to the jury.

Wow that was a weird analogy but it works

My day yesterday was.. Ehh.

GOOD STUFF

• was able to sneak off before the political argument happened

• a YouTuber I like posted a video after a year of silence

• I wrote three paragraphs of fanfiction!!

• was able to sneak some soda my cousin brought when my mom wasnt looking (im not allowed soda)

BAD STUFF

• Didn't eat a lot cause of stuff already said

• had to misgender my bother and sister in front of family (all of us are out to everyone but the family)

• was having a masc day and got misgendered all day but eh comes with being gender fluid ig lol.

• nearly threw up the food I did eat bc its food I have a hard time eating, not a pleasant sensation I'll tell you.

• had to deep clean the entire house twice (abt 6 hrs of work total, once before everyone arrived (4hrs) and once after (2hrs) I can be lazier after BC my mom is drunk

• mom was being a clingy drunk and hugged me and I want to rip off my skin and clean the meat under it with bleach and vinegar before getting new skin.

That's all!!! It was pretty much a normal day in terms of bad stuff except the eating thing which is only sometimes but now its a lot more intense. In terms of good day it was more than usual!!! Yes!!!

Hope you slept well.

Love you Queen!

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back already haha

(again, cw/tw for medical stuff and complicated family dynamics)

firstly, thank you for your supportive and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me (and everyone else you help; youre genuinely such a wonderful person and deserve everything good in life ♡)

i think ive come to the conclusion that i havent really processed the whole situation yet, honestly. even though i wrote it to you, i havent actually said the words out loud about my mother's diagnosis (and honestly writing them out again is a struggle haha, like my fingers are blocked from doing it), and it kind of feels like saying it makes it real? does that make sense? i dunno. it feels so impossible to imagine my mother being genuinely sick with something so serious. 'my mother' and 'cancer' dont fit in the same sentence.

but i didnt really realise until now just how major of a major life event this is for everyone and everything. because (and remember, i have a very complicated relationship with my mother. i once defined it as 'i dont have to like you to love you' and i think thats really relevant to now, too) my mother was going to help me with moving out (both buying things ill need, as well as actually moving out on the day) but she told me yesterday that ill have to go out to get things myself because she physically cant right now. i didnt think id mind so much, i like having my own independance and doing things myself, but i went out today to buy everything i need and i was struggling so much more than i thought. i genuinely almost had a breakdown crying in the first shop i went to.

honestly part of that was because i had no idea what i needed or where was best to get it or what any of the fancy words about different types of stuff meant (like, who even knows what depth their mattress is to buy the right bedsheet?? what is a tog??? whats the difference between a bath sheet and a bath towel?? they look the same!) but also because that was something we were supposed to do together. i dont like her and theres so much about her i want to change, but theres a huge part of me that was looking forward to a parent/child experience that so many normal families have, especially because i didnt get a lot of other typical 'growing up' moments with my parents due to how my family is.

part of me, in all honesty, considered waiting to move out, partly so that she could still be part of it, and partly so that i was in a better place emotionally to be able to handle the change. but if i were to do that, id have to wait another year (im moving out to go to university, and i already put it off last year to get a job instead because i was scared and anxious about university) and i dont know that i could go a whole extra year stuck at home. theoretically, i could afford to move out and rent (or buy, if i went to one of the cheap areas) when i felt ready in however many months time, but itd be a huge drain on my savings and would be nowhere near where ill be for school the following year so itd be a waste of money and time. itd be stupid and silly for me to put off university for another year, but i did consider it. i wont, but part of me is scared and wants to.

i met up with my older brother for lunch while i was out (who, sticking with the black family dynamics, is kind of like the andromeda of my family. he moved out 5 years ago to break away from the family and rarely comes home, and is probably the one person in my life who i feel genuinely comfortable and safe around) and we talked about it which was nice, especially considering my family is typically very much a 'do not talk about your feelings at all' sort of family, and as a whole we have not discussed anything further about my mother's health or how we're all handling it since that first conversation. he was super gentle and caring and honestly that in itself made me want to cry a bit because hes just so not at all like our parents?? idk who raised him but i wish theyd raised me too hahaha

but anyway, he was really open and supporting with me. he talked a bit about how he was feeling (which was super validating, because he was also hit hard by it and had complex feelings about it all) and he was really clear too that if i needed anything at all, i could always go to him and would always be welcome at his flat if i needed time away, even when i move out. (seriously, who raised this perfect older brother????) basically he was everything i needed in that moment and i am really genuinely thankful he exists, so at least my parents made one decent thing haha

still, though. i think its starting to hit me now just how many things are going to change and, as selfish as it is, how many things im going to lose and miss out on because of it. i dont like my mother, but i want her there to help me take that next step in my adult life, yknow? she, nor my father, have explicitly said she wont be able to help on moving day, but its not likely, and theres no way on earth i could ever ask whether she will (again: selfish thinking.)

my brother did mention, though, that the type of cancer our mother has is apparently one of the worse types if it isnt caught early enough. as far as i understand it (which isnt much, honestly, i dont understand much with medicine), she has cancer in her abdomen and its usually caught too late to get rid of. i didnt know this until today, i think our father didnt want to worry me? but i dont actually know how far along the cancer is (which stage it is? i think thats the right term) and i dont know at what stage it becomes too late. my brother also didnt seem to know, but now thats put a new worry in my head because my father explicitly did not mention that to me, so of course my brain has jumped to conclusions about why and what that means. im trying not to spiral, but ever since i found out about her diagnosis, i dont actually think ive gone ten minutes without 'fuck, my mother has cancer' or something similar going through my head, and restarting the breakdown id just pushed down again.

as expected, my sister was already making inappropriate jokes about it by the next time i saw her. i spoke to my brother about this too (hes cut contact with her entirely, like i plan to) and that was part of why he offered to let me stay with him if i ever needed; to escape our sister as much as our mother. i dont understand how she doesnt care a single bit. i know shes never got along with our parents but like, at least have a little decency and sensitivity?? she was literally laughing about it and i just... i dont get how someone could be such an awful person. sure whatever, she doesnt have to be upset if she really doesnt care, but thats crossing a fucking line.

this is getting to be another long ask so im gonna stop here for now, but before i do i just want to say thank you again for being such a safe place for myself and others. you are so, so wonderful cas ♡

- reg kin anon

Hi hon ❤️❤️❤️

I know there’s not a lot I can say right now to make you feel better because unfortunately I don’t know the future. I don’t know how this will turn out and neither do you. But I want to say again that your feelings - all of them - are okay and valid and none of them are bad or shameful. It’s okay to mourn the things that you might miss and it’s okay to have mixed emotions. No feelings are right or wrong here, and I’m here when you need to vent. Also I know move in Day will be hard but I’m so proud of you for continuing to prepare for university.

Sending so much love ❤️

[webslingingslasher]

https://www.tumblr.com/webslingingslasher/739224380667772928/hi-j-can-i-talk-ab-smth-thats-making-me-sad?source=share

thank you🫶🏻. i read this reply earlier and it made me cry bc you’re the only one who actually cares. thanks for letting me talk. also this is long and i’m v sorry but i just wanted to share w someone. part of it gets deep but i swear u don’t have to reply to that part, i fr just wanna make one point ab guys fighting

i hate violence so much. the jokes ab men punching walls don’t make me laugh and men beating the shit out of other guys to protect their girl isn’t attractive to me. i just hate all of it

it used to be funny and attractive until it wasn’t. my dad was so mad at me yesterday bc he was drunk and i wouldn’t give him more alc, that he punched a wall. i took a pic of the hole in my bedroom door and sent it my friends in our gc and we were laughing so hard at it bc white men and punching walls yk? It was so funny and we kept making jokes/memes ab it til i realised he punched the wall bc he couldn’t punch me (i closed my door and he couldn’t get in) and that’s a weird fucking realisation.

i just don’t like any of it and i’m having a v bad day. i told my mum and brother and nobody gets it. they both blame me. it’s ridiculous. and now i’m convincing myself that i DID do something wrong, when i know i didnt. it’s fucking crazy. he could beat the shit out of me (he wouldn’t) and they’d still find a way to make it my fault.

im gna send u my mums response (english is her 3rd language so ignore the mistakes) and she’s literally blaming me.

for context, my dad has a history of abuse (against my mum, yet she still defends him) and my mum is just as bad.

this is what she texted me:

“Ppl have limitations. If you push them they do things or say things and you turn and call names to those can’t bare any more. You should be a bit more patient and a bit more respectful to your parents

You shouldn’t keep shouting at him. We’re both doing our best even we are not the best I know, but as a return I thing we deserve to be respected , if you are better than us then you should understand what I am saying”

i just feel so alone. i stg it’s like no one understands.

anyways long story short i don’t like violence and i don’t find it attractive. i don’t shame anyone / any girls bc i’m a girls girl at heart, but i hate how people have romanticised violence bc it really does send the wrong message to guys and younger boys growing up and hearing “fights are so hot” and “it’s so sexy when guys beat the shit out of other guys” even if they deserved it. like even tho they wouldn’t do that to you, the reminder that they can makes me sick. i just don’t like it and i feel like i’m the only one :/ violence just makes me icky and anxious and scared even if it’s not directed to me/supposed to “protect me” (when it’s at another guy at a bar or whatever).

thanks for listening to my rant. ur legit my bestie. i have an anon emoji & we’re mutuals/we talk on here like all the time but i don’t wanna use it on this

ily

i don’t think you’re wrong for having this opinion or have it belong in an unpopular opinion category. i think the issue is that violence (esp w. men) has been so desensitized that it’s “normal.”

i also don’t like violence and grew up with an angry man in my home. i will never be an angry man and i will never be with one for that reason. but when i read something fictional i feel like im taking control back (? if that makes sense.) because i can “control” the violence.

your dad was wrong, and it was wrong of your mom to try and protect him. you deserve to feel safe and i’m sorry you don’t. i’m here always <3

[alarming-prism]

i saw your response to the ask about a fic u wanted more positive engagement on and i just want u to know i read that when i didnt have an ao3 account and have been searching for that fic FOREVER like it drove me so crazy it was so good. like im the type who usually only reads happy endings but it literally plagued my thoughts for MONTHS it was so good.... their relationship was so deliciously awful i think its peak representation of fq during their era of nothing but raw hurt and festering resentment from misunderstandings and all the outside factors stressing them out.... so excited to watch fxmq irreparably hurt and damage each other.... also yes the writing was a bit confusing but like in a good way,,,, like if it had been less vague and more clear i feel like it wouldnt have been as enjoyable bc that writing style really fit the vibe of the story, it kind of pulled it all together ykwim? like i really loved how u wrote it i think it was perfect as is, i cant think of a single possible thing that could make it even better.... yeah, tbh just for all your fics, u have this way of setting a kind of atmosphere throughout that just really brings the whole story together, like i noticed it in the mq toy store employee fic and the broken threads fic too. im not articulate enough to identify or describe what it is exactly that u do, but u do it sososososoooooo well it drives me crazy. youre amazing <33 ok ummmm i love all your writing and i will easily wait another 10 years for a hint of a second chapter for this fic or any other works by u, so please take your time without worry, i hope u have an amazing day/night, byeeee :3 <3

i'll have you know that i had a super rough day yesterday + i'm currently sick rn and when i got this ask i started to tear up. you get me and you get exactly what i'm going for. i understand wanting happy endings but i'm also desperate to explore the part of fengqing that's in continuous conflict not through any fault of their own but because of their circumstances + who they are as people,, and i know that's not for everyone but it makes me so happy that you understand what i'm trying to do here lmao.

i think i'll legitimately have to rethink my entire life if it takes me ten years to finish the second chapter, but i just checked my fic tracking doc and i started it back in february so uhh. i can't make any promises but this did make me open up that doc again and nanowrimo is coming up so i'll have to work on something or other. and every time i actually start thinking about this fic again i start to go insane. i think last time i worked on it i made myself cry? i'm definitely just oversharing at this point but.

idk just. thank you so much for sending such a long, heartfelt ask. it made a shitty day infinitely better. i hope you have an amazing day/night right back <3

[radiocalambre]

14th day in my new school

today is the worst day of the week because i have the most boring subjects. in pe we didnt do to much because yesterday some people of my class got sick of running. in the break we talked of some things. and then the boy asked me if i would like to join the school choir, sorry but im not a good singer so i said no. also he asked me if i want chips because he bought some, i said no thanks AGAIN. im sad now. when we were going back to class he call me like three times because i wasnt listening to him cause i was talking with the girl who always talk. also when i was going to another class in the corredors we had eye contact and he smile a bit. dying. and the other class were so boring

[fairyflossphoenix]

I had a nice day yesterday. Amelie slept over and took me to uni, we got coffee, explored the campus, i even snuck into her lecture. In theory it sounds like a wonderful day. it was. but i wasnt happy. i dont feel happy. i dont know whats wrong with me. today was the same. i spilt my drink in the car park. i bent back a nail so far i started bleeding. i had to stay back. i was just a scanner slave all day. again, you can change the environment but not the situation. it doesnt matter where i go, i always seem to fall for the same things. being stuck on registers. having to stay back, even if i say i cant. my manager didnt even say thank you as i left. in fact, she told me that she was in an interview and busy. i dont know. i had a migraine. i threw up. it was a shit day. its just shit day after shit day after shit day. i dont want to feel this way anymore. im so tired. im so sick of this feeling. i thought toran would cheer me up. he asked about my head. hes fun to talk to but i know he only feels bad because he fucked me. im just a piece of meat to him. he doesnt want anything to do with me. he takes days to respond. maybe doesnt respond at all. he wouldnt care if i just fell off the face of the earth. i dont think anyone would. im replicable. work is already hiring new staff. maybe i should just get it out of the way so another job opening is available. saves them having to do another round of hires. tahnee says im being dramatic. tahnee says im being too hard on myself. everyone says this feeling is temporary and itll pass. its not passing. its always been here, ive just had distractions to cover it up. i dont have distractions anymore. i dont have christiano. i dont have nikki. i dont have anyone. i just. its futile. im not happy. nothing will make me feel genuinely happy. everything is artifical. i hate all my friends. i hate them all. when im with them im fine. just fine. but when im away im resentful. they all have lives. they all have futures. they are all interesting. me? i have nothing. tahnee says i have everything. a room. a car. a good education. those are all materialstic. i may physically have them but do i really have anything? a future? thats not promised. a goal? no. im so reliant on other people for happiness. i cant rely on myself. thats why. i hate myself. i hate her. horrendous. i also hate humans. i hate people. i hate the customers at work. work was supoosed to be a distraction. people are just due and ugly. nothing can distract me anymore. i dont want to be here. i want to become non-existent. i dont want to be. i have nothing. everything i have is physical meaning i will lose it. ive lost friends, ive lost family. whats stopping the exact same thing from happening to the friends and family i have now? why are people so happy. everything is stupid. everything thats ever created was created to be used as temporary distractions for a forever hellscape. art? music? food? distractions. love? sex? distractions. anime? shows? movies? toys? books? distractions. everything is simply a waste of time. clothing? distraction. everything is manufactured to keep us complacent and wanting more. everything manufactured is to keep feeding us dopamine because we cant sustain it anywhere else.

[ultramidas]

ULTRAPOST

IM FINALLY POSTING ON THIS FUCKING SITE AND ITS NOT JUST AN UPDATE ON MY MIXTAPE ALTHOUGH ONE MIGHT BE COMING SOON BUT ANYWAYS ENOUGH ABOUT THAT IM GONNA TALK ABOUT OTHER SHIT. LIFE IS ALRIGHT NOT GOOD BUT NOT GETTING BETTER I STILL HATE SCHOOL AND MY SCHOOL STILL JUST DOESNT WANNA HEAR ME OUT BUT WHATEVER ALSO MY JOB SHIT KINDA SUCKS TOO MY SCHOOL GAVE ME THIS CO-OP SHIT AWHILE BACK LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO I WORK IN A BAKERY WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL SINCE I GET TO LEARN TO MAKE SHIT EVEN THOUGH I DIDNT WANT TO DO THIS AND I TOLD THEM WHAT I WANTED TO DO THEY INSISTED THAT I DO THIS SHIT INSTEAD SO THE FIRST FEW WEEKS ARE PRETTY GOOD BUT THEN IT JUST BECAME SO FUCKING STUPID AND BORING TURNS OUT BAKING ISNT AS FUN AS IT LOOKS ATLEAST TO ME ANYWAYS EVERYDAY ITS THE SAME SHIT AND I HATE IT IM JUST THERE FOR LIKE 5 HOURS DOING THE SAME RECEPIES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND WITH NOTHING NEW AT FIRST I DID A WHOLE BUNCH OF COOL SHIT BUT NOW ITS JUST THE SAME SHIT AND ITS SO BORING I WOULD HATE IT A BIT LESS IF IT WAS A REAL JOB AND I GOT PAIN BUT NO IM WORKING FOR FUCKING SCHOOL CREDITS AND I HATE IT AND I JUST WANT IT TO END. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY SHITTY SCHOOL/WORK LIFE I GOT A COOL AS VINYL YESTERDAY A BIG AS 10TH ANIVERSARY WATCHING MOVIES WITH THE SOUND OFF VINYL AND ITS SUPER COOL THE RECORDS ARE THIS COOL REDISH COLOR AND IT ALSO CAME WITH A SICK ASS MINI RECORD IT HAS PICTURE OF BIRDS ON IT N SHIT AND ITS MY MOST UNIQUE RECORD I OWN ITS FIRE AS FUCK IT COSTED ME 100 DOLLARS WHICH KINDA SUCKS SINCE THATS ALOT OF MY MONEY BUT I DONT CARE IT WAS WORTH IT. BUT YEAH THATS WHAT IVE BEEN DOING I KNOW THIS POST WAS BORING BUT NOTHING SPECIAL HAS REALLY HAPPENED I CAN TALK ABOUT HOW DEPRESSED I AM OR THE CUTS ON MY ARMS BUT NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT SHIT BUT IF I DO FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT I WILL BECAUSE I DONT GIVE A FUCK BUT YEAH THATS IT FOR NOW ILL PROBABLY POST MORE SOON IF SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING HAPPENS BUT YEAH THATS IT FOR NOW SO WATCH OUT FOR MORE POST AND SHARE ULTRAMIDAS.COM AROUND SO I CAN GET MORE POPULAR N SHIT SO WHEN MY MIXTAPE DROPS PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY LISTEN N SHIT

ULTRAMIDAS.COM

[scolek]

ok so like. because one of our players kids got sick we had to postpone session one (cursed cursed cursed) but also somebody got in contact with the guy who left yesterday and that kind of. concerns me.

and. but i just. i cant stop thinking about the last message he sent before he left the server.

"extremely american, that.

bummer dude"

and then he left.

so like. ofc im the only american in the game. so of course i have like a different cultural context for certain things. like the spanish word for black is just the spanish word for black for a swedish person but not for me. and after asking him what was up and him going ????? i backed way the fuck off immediately. oh sorry it was a misunderstanding, and he was like. do you know its spanish for black and im like yes i do know that, im sorry i jumped to conclusions, im aware that it may not have the same context in other countries, i shouldve been more considerate, and like. i explained myself, i apologized very thoroughly, after he left the dm and another player were like, yeah you explained yourself and apologized? that was weird.

but i cant stop thinking about extremely american, that. bummer dude. like obviously the issue was about a cultural difference so ofc my perspective was extremely american, but the context, like. i know americans dont have a great reputation. but yknow on one hand getting lumped together in a way where theyre saying americans all do x, like thats one thing. people are noticing a trend, and like. yknow im not gonna get offended by it. the whole cultural hegemony thing, like, folks will have gripes about that.

but on an individual level. its weird. its just one person talking to another person. my nationality informs the context over certain words but i wasnt aggressive about it, i wasnt stubborn, i immediately stepped back and checked myself. i knew a cultural difference might exist. i didnt do anything particularly "american," did i?

also during our session zero this guy was like "can i tell you guys why i think fantasy racism is good [for the story]?" which like, it put me on alert. i will admit. he explained himself pretty well but myself and the dm were kinda like, trying to push back on it a bit, like. idk. it was weird.

i hope he doesnt come back. i trust the dude who got in contact with him because ive known him for 4 years and weve known the weird guy for like 3 weeks, but. hes very paranoid about player count due to our cursed nature. but even though weve known each other for a long time i dont want to tell him that im not comfortable with that guy coming back.

and i dont think its very likely because a guy who just dips like that is not gonna be receptive to second chances i dont think but. consternation.

[mostlymalena]

October 14th 2024 10:04am

I'm at Coffee Time for old times sake, and the sake of time. On Monday's I take bunny Jo to school and pick her up so sitting here is more efficient than Ibis.

I have had the best week in a while. Yesterday was out of a movie.

I woke up and got Waffle House with Ethan and then we got home and bottle flipped and did cartwheels with O outside for like two hours lmao. After I laid out a blanket and me and Ethan watched an episode of SVU. Hayday came back into town until Tampa is done being rained on, so he came over and Dylan joined and we all played bad mitten in the back yard for a while. It was so fun. We all just hung out outside and on my porch for like 6 hours haha. We had dinner and then everyone left and Brooklyn Bridge came over and we watched SVU till 2:30 am hehe. It was perfect.

The past week has been so fun as well. Thursday me and apple boy hung out and ran errands and such together. We lounged in the park and watched someone do a halloween shoot with purple smoke and everything haha. I went to beach bars that night dressed in a trench coat, head scarf, and big sunglasses. It was so fun!! I don't drink at the bars so I was being a lunatic for the plot I guess. Friday I spent most my day at concord with Jo and apple boy met me there. He taught me a new games called Go which was basically connect 4 but on a grid and you connect 5. I beat him in that and then we played a round of chess that I also beat him in. He is good at chess and I think he could be better than me if he played with someone else besides me haha. He snuck a film picture of me, well knowing him he did not care if I noticed or not. I did notice. I wonder if he will ever show it to me. I know he has taken pictures of me before and most of them I will never see.

Saturday night we went to a Brat dj set my friend put on a Palate. Jo and I have grown to enjoy Palate during the day. Anyways I wore something I NEVER wear. I'll add pics:

It was slutty ngl but it was the vibe of the night and hell I never wear a bra so YOLO. Anyways me and the gang go to the show and Grace is there. I, of course, instantly get sick LMAO. But we did not talk but we did look at each other. I also did blonde brows for that look and they are growing on me NGL. A lot of people told me a while back not to dye them bc I wanted to so bad and my boyfriend at the time told me I would look ugly so I didnt but COME ON. I think it looks sick.

I was a little upset seeing Grace of course, especially since she got into a relationship so quickly after she tried to patch things up with me. Bay is the best at talking me out of my head when it comes to that. She tells me I am much calmer and happier and I have to agree. My life is calmer and happier. It also sucks bc for 9 months it was chaos and I thought something was wrong with me because of that.

Im so excited for my halloween party!!!! It's going to be so so so fun. I have to remember to write everyday bc if I don't I'll forget the fun little details that make my life worth it all.

25 has been the best year of my life honestly. I'm so excited for 26 and beyond. I'm so glad I was unsuccessful at my suicide attempts when I was younger.

I want to live a long time.

Thats all for now, gotta review applicants for a content creator I'm hiring. Idk if me and apple boy are hanging today school is busy for him. I havent told him when I'm leaving, gonna Irish goodbye it.