#also do you just hate women cuz I wouldn't be surprised

[penofwildfire]

"erm lol I don't even remember what the new EM of wind looks like lol she's so lame and forgettable Morro's so much better ☝️🤪" just say you hate change and leave. Go back to 2015 with that bullshit the rest of us are having a great time in 2024.

[cheshiresense]

Hi Cheshire! Thank you so much for the Yuzu snippet! It was SO great. I LOVE how fucked up the Kurosaki family is (wonder what Isshin thinks of this? We saw a glimpse but like... Is he an outsider and tolerated because he's the Only Adult Around?). I! LOVE! Poison!Yuzu! It's so great, makes so much sense. Also the easy way everybody was like "Ah, yes, OF COURSE the bowls are poisoned." So Neat. So Fucked Up. Being real I came for the ShinIchi but the UraShinIchi is The Best Trio and I am SO here for it. The fact Ichigo has NO idea he likes Urahara? Amazing. The fact that Shinji is SO LONG the favorite? ALSO amazing. Usuallly with the trio it's almost always the other way around or UraShin incorporating Ichigo later, so It'd be nice to see how this mechanic develops.

I also love "Mizuiro-niisan." Cute and terrifying. I wanna know what you have prepared regarding Mizuiro, he was always one of the most fascinating characters in Bleach taht wasn't 'part of the plot' so to speak (c'mon, dude knows how to make a fucking Pipe Bomb and has a harem of older women. There's A Story. (Also does he still have the 'harem' here or...?))

Anyway thank you for the chapter

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! Lol Isshin is very much the outsider to his own family after Ichigo neutralized him, they're basically like two strangers who happen to live in the same house, and even then, Ichigo went and got his own apartment once he had the contacts for it. I wouldn't say he set out to alienate his sisters from Isshin, so long as Isshin wasn't hitting them too, he doesn't really care what their relationship is like, but considering Ichigo's also been pretty much raising them single-handedly for the past 6+ years, they're bound to learn from him when it comes to Isshin too. Plus they do remember the way Isshin used to smack Ichigo around before Ichigo put a stop to it. So anyway, the twins still talk to Isshin and let him be his loud dramatic self around them but there isn't really any love coming from their end when it comes down to it, and they live with their brother at the apartment half the time anyway. As for Ichigo, he actually doesn't hate Isshin or anything either after the man left him to his own devices and doesn't bother him anymore. And yeah, the fact that he's the nominal adult of the house is still useful since Ichigo's still underage. It's just that he also very much wouldn't care if Isshin kicked the bucket tomorrow.

The Urahara/Ichigo/Shinji is also a surprise to me lol. Tbh, I didn't really have a ship in mind when I first started this AU, but UraIchi is my otp so naturally if there is a ship, I'd go for that. But then I wrote Shinji, and suddenly ShinIchi became a lot more probable, and then I wrote the Yuzu POV and Urahara elbowed his way back into the race. So the most likely ship now would be UraIchiShin lol.

The UraIchi dynamic actually turned out pretty interesting in this 'verse cuz this Ichigo is the type to get rid of anything that irritates him. If it's annoying and cuts into his time, he's not the sort to put up with it. And yeah, Kisuke's strong enough with enough connections that if Ichigo wanted to off him or even just threaten him like he did Isshin, it would be really difficult at the moment, but at the very least, he'd still work towards it, and he wouldn't spend any time with the guy. But here he is inviting him over for dinner and letting him properly meet the twins and just generally tolerating his presence, something he's never done with anyone else before, and it's a toss-up whether he's even really aware of the exception he's making. And on Kisuke's part, he doesn't know Ichigo well enough yet to realize how much leeway Ichigo's given him.

This Ichigo is just Grudgingly Fascinatedᵀᴹ by this cryptic bastard making his life a lot more complicated than he'd like, but is also strong and smart and offered his life up on a platter the moment Ichigo asked for it like it's tradeable currency so whatever he wants Ichigo to do in exchange has to be something even Urahara can't do himself, and Ichigo has just enough curiosity for that to add to the fascination pile just as much as it adds to the annoying asshole pile. Meanwhile, Shinji's just chilling with his poison rice, and Sakanade thinks Ichigo is yum with an adorable kitten for a sister. TLDR they're a trainwreck in the making but a pretty entertaining one.

I'm not sure what I really want to do with Mizuiro here yet but I'm definitely giving him a powerup in the future, he's Ichigo's best friend here, as much as Ichigo or even Mizuiro can have friends, and Mizuiro is absolutely ride or die enough to invade Soul Society with him. Plus I'd like to see what I can do with a character who's not exactly a frontline fighter but not a healer either like Ichigo's canon friends.

[shinjisdone]

More Female MC brain rot thoughts pls?🤲🥺

I take it for TWST? Ngl my brainrot is running low...mostly because imo being female in twst is just a little "difference" for characters and Settings where these differences are valued/seen and therefore treated differently. No one would outwardly be different or not in character just because you or MC is female.

MUST PROTECC GIRL BCUZ THEY GIRL:

Ace (ur his best friend and the school is filllled with jerks who'd see u being a girl in NRC is a reason to bother u for. Course he gotta protect you! Would not treat u differently)

Deuce (is aware how vicious bullies can become when they see an "anomaly" around to feel powerful of. He was one himself. Also tends to think that Girls just need protection in general. Gets real serious and panicky real quick when u are in trouble. Will beat ppl up for you)

Riddle (confused on why ppl are/would be bothering you??? Do they not have manners??? Will not treat you differently, let alone not follow the rules, but is aware that you might have a hard time as the only female. Will make sure you aren't bothered and follow the rules but expects you to give your best just like any other student)

Trey (very chill. Knows you might have a hard time and rather indirectly lends a shoulder. Is emotional Support unlike Riddle who would cuff anyone who is mean to you)

Jack (a good boy who hates the injustice in this school in general. Just looks out for you but wouldn't be in your face like ADeuce)

Azul (once he takes a liking to you of course. Will Trick ppl and condemn them to a 'poor unfortunate soul' by having them work in Monstro Logue and give you free Drinks served by the bullies (once ☝️ the next one u will pay))

Malleus (he would protect u regardless but end up believing that women need to be protected ALL the time just cuz u got in trouble ONE TIME (and then another...and another...) and will kinda hover over ur shoulder as ur??? Protector???)

Sam (looks out for you and is ready to lend and ear but it'll cost ya)

Vargas (No STUDENT SHALL FEEL UNWELCOMED, HE WILL DO EVERYTHING TO HAVE U FIT IN)

YOURE A GIRL? HAW-HAW:

Leona (While he does respect women, he likes to make fun of you SO MUCH. Its too tempting, too funny, too entertaining. He won't disrespect you and will talk more normaly with you than others but when he sees an opportunity to make fun of you? He seizes it, be prepared.)

Ruggie somewhat (Like, he's not scared of you. Will always put up a front of being strong and in a group and if he needs you to fear him or not take him too lightly and targeting you based on your gender will help him get there, he will use the opportunity to be mean.)

Floyd (not in a mean-spirited way but more like a 'OMG a girl in an all-boys-academy! Thats so funny! Hey, hanging out with you must be interesting, right?' Just teases you to get you riled up, nothing personal.)

Jade (also just to rile you up but less mean and direct than Floyd. Just wants to have fun with you.)

Crowley (would sometimes make jokes and think theyre funny - they are not and Ace tells him off)

MAY DAY MAY DAY, A GIRL HAS ENTERED THE CHAT:

Idia (first goes HUUHH??? what are YOU doing here???? But will calm down. Girls aren't super scary but he is sure to keep his distance just like he does with everyone else.)

Rook (more fascinated than anything. You being here must be fate! Ah, he shall watch you very closely to see what your destiny has in store.)

I literally do not care:

Jamil (he has so much on his plate that meeting you for the first time will just have him raise a brow before returning to his food umbothered. He already has to deal with Kalim dont become a Problem child too.)

Kalim (Will go 'Oh!' Before promptly bot caring that you are a girl. So what? Friends are friends and he wants to be yours!)

Vil (just...dont care. Hes got his business to take care of and not enough time to take a look at you 💅)

Epel (is kinda surprised but then just is not and wont care but will protect you when you need him. It makes him feel STRONK and MANLY.)

Ortho

Silver (would notice it and promptly fall asleep after)

Lilia

Sebek (*grabs by the neck, shaking u* HUMAN IS HUMAN AND A NUISANCE TO WAKA-SAMA)

Cater I think wouldnt????

Crewel (puppy is puppy and puppy must O B E Y)

Grim (henchwoman is henchwoman and must give T U N A)

Trein

[thegeminisage]

STAR TREK UPDATE TIME. last night we watched voy's "scorpion part i" and "the gift." I HAVE FINALLY MET SEVEN OF NINE

scorpion part ii:

ABSOLUTELY loved this one. idk why i was so surprised when seven turned out to be their borg liaison like i had no idea how they encountered her...i guess i was picturing them picking her up like a lost puppy because of hugh in tng

seven hot it must be said. we haven't gotten into the meat of it yet but i do like her. i was a little worried that after all this i wouldn't!

janeway dealing with the borg was sooo fun. literally her no-nonsense take-no-shit mode

i loved also that chakotay was the one to essentially borg meld with seven since he'd had the prior experience...mwah. give him a little borg trauma as a treat

i also really enjoyed janeway and chakotay realizing that seven was right - their fighting and going against each other is why they were losing. what if our future third reminded us that we needed to renew our wedding vows and we were both lost in space?

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE. like on what could have been her deathbed while she was slurring her words she made chakotay promise to do the thing. and immediately he decided to do the opposite even though it broke his heart. like SO TRUE they needed the reminder mom and dad were literally fighting

i have mixed feelings about janeway sort of forcing the detransition from borg onto seven. like yeah no human person wants to be borg especially not the little girl she was when she was assimilated but it's very hard to hear and ignore her wishes NOW when she's stating them so clearly, and when she's so obviously suffering. like i don't think she could have done any different or that i would have done any different but whew! rough

i also think chakotay was SICK with jealousy that tuvok got to go into the cube with janeway and he had to stay out on voyager. i bet tuvcok was so smug about it. idk why but it brings me so much joy to imagine them hating each other and as an extent maybe also fighting over janeway's affection, be it platonic or not

also, i can't remember if this was in this episode or the next one but the bit where seven was in her cell fucking SCREAMING na janeway was behind her grabbing her...sincerely hoping the dyke energy only gets better from here cuz that was gay as hell

the gift:

rip kes...i'll miss you

ik kes left bc they were having difficulties with the actress, but it still sucks that her exit was so dumb. like oh no her powers are going out of control and even though we fixed it every other time this time we can't! anyway bye!

i do appreciate the actresses crying for what felt like...you know, for real, during the goodbye. i almost welled up with them. and ten years closer to home!!! that's 13 years down, 57 to go...

kes is such a rare person in the voyager cast because she has so many connections. she's good friends with tom, she's gort tuvok and the emh as her mentors, janeway as like her fake mom, neelix as her romantic interest...she's connected to so many people. if you name anybody from the rest of the cast you'd get 2-3 connections at most. so it's sad to see her go

and like i hated neelix when he was with kes but their goodbye conversation was so lame. i still can't believe that's all we ever got about their breakup. fucking crazy

on the other hand, seven in this episode was so good, especially with like, b'elanna - her disdain and her sarcasm are useless against b'elanna who can dish it back out just as well and does not give one shit about seven's deal so long as she gets the ship working again. also? lots of women on screen during that scene. let's lez out.

and seven at the end remembering her favorite color :( i was surprised she relented in her willingness to be aboard so quickly - but it just shows that janeway genuinely did get through to her somehow. WOMEN!!!

TONIGHT: ds9's "a time to stand" and "rocks and shoals"

[destinyc1020]

I think a lot of the Austin hate now stems from Jacob fans, bt i find many of Jacobs "fans" to b very fleeting. i think the voice comments will always b there bt a lot of ppl got over the unjustified rumors of him cheating on Vanessa and ppl do think he/Kaia gerbers age gap is weird (ik i do 🥴) bt Austin just got famous from Elvis last yr n I dnt really think Kaia is that relevant in pop culture so some ppl will point it out bt I think their kinda overlooked as a couple. I think over time he will b fine though his fanbase seems to b strong

Yea, the Elvis/Jacob/Austin comparisons were bound to happen, so that was a given. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I still don't really get the voice thing tbh. Yea, his voice might be slightly different, but if you compare it to 7 years ago, his voice/accent basically sounds the same. He just has an older voice now, and maaaybe a less hard enunciation of certain words probably due to the Elvis vocal training all those years. But other than that?? People drove that voice thing into the ground imo.

Look, even Tom has an older voice now. That's what normally happens when you age. Your voice (yes, even women's voices) change a little, and usually get deeper with age.

But yea, I'm sure eventually people will get over it with him just like they got over the Anne Hathaway hate...

I'll address the Kaustin and Vanessa stuff below 👇:

RE: Kaustin....

I've already talked about what I think about them as a couple on my blog several times before... 🤐 Honestly? They as a couple have always seemed a bit OFF to me (and I'm not just talking about the age gap thing ; which is cringe in itself) and idk why. Look, I've tried to like them as a couple, and her, but I just can't get over the nepobaby-ism, and the weirdness of that family. I actually used to think they were real (and maybe they are?🤷🏾‍♀️) but this year, certain things about their relationship have seemed a bit contrived and pap-heavy??

Not only that, but they barely even look like they're close friends w/each other half the time ROTFL. 😅🤣 Their vibe is so off to me lol. I'm sorry. But the gut doesn't lie. They look so bored and dead w/each other sometimes. I keep saying that Vanessa is the one who got away... 👀 Want proof? Just do a simple Google search photo comparison of his "couple" pics with V and his "couple" pics with K. That's all I'll say lol... 🤭

But hey, if they're happy, then I'm happy for them!? 🤷🏾‍♀️ Idc who he dates honestly, just as long as she's a kind person, is genuine, down to earth, and is dating him for the right reasons.

Here's some tea☕for you.... There's been some in the fandom who spilled that supposedly, Kaia went after HIM. 👀 That wouldn't surprise me lol.

RE: Vanessa...

Yea, I never fully believed the cheating rumors tbh, cuz things just didn't make sense. And no woman I know would be hanging out with the girl who her bf of 9 years cheated on her with. Add to the fact that their families (esp her sister?) still follow each other?🤔

Also add to the fact that Ash Tisdale is still SUPER close to Austin, and I know she is/was a close friend of V's as well, so I doubt she'd be hanging tight with him if he cheated on her friend like that. 🥴 So things just never made sense?

More tea ☕ for you....Take this with a HUGE FAT GRAIN of salt (because who knows if any of this stuff is true?), but word on the street is that supposedly, Vanessa was the one who broke up with Austin. 👀

IF that is true, then that would explain a LOT. Supposedly, it had to do with Elvis filming. 🤐 Supposedly, they had already broken up before the film even started filming. It's a long story.

Anyway, they seemed really happy together all those years, so it's kinda sad they weren't able to try to work things out again. But oh well! It's too late now! V is about to be a married woman (if she isn't already!). 😅

Honestly?? I don't blame her if she really wanted marriage and a family, and she didn't want to continue to spend more time waiting for him (and his career, etc) to catch up.

[delicatebarness]

Don't hate me.

I can't believe I'm saying this cuz I'm always for Bucky but I think Cry Baby would be better off cutting her losses and finding someone who isn't emotionally unavailable or stunted.

Technically he didn't do anything wrong, just living like he always has, and I wouldn't be surprised if he can't understand why she would be upset. Let him have his women and she can find someone better suited for her.

On the other hand, if he does get why she could be upset and did it anyways, she should find someone who cares about her feelings.

Sorry, I'm old and have no patience for people's games and BS.

I could never! 😭

I also have no patience for people’s games and BS anymore 🤭🫣

(I had a whole paragraph wrote in response however I had to delete it because it was very spoiler central and I don’t know how to give you my answer without it being that 😭😭)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary48

10/25-30/2023

wednesday - monday

i know i actually missed a bunch of days but i will try to put many thoughts about them here.

i figured since keeping my diary went so bad last time, i just wouldn't try w/ it this time because my gf would be really busy and we had someone else in the hotel with us this, time, her mom. her mom was kind of difficult for me to deal with, in the hotel at least. most of the time she was pretty pleasant or like, at least nice. the first day was good until we all went to bed and like, she started snoring. i figure i'll have the video uploaded to dropbox tomorrow off my phone and i'll be able to post that here, along w/ more selfies or whatever. anyways, the snoring was intolerable and i slept for maybe 2 hours that day. the next, i got maybe 3 hours, the day after i slept in like, these twenty minute spurts i think, three days, saturday was similar too, just miserable, weirdly coming in and out of dreams, awoken by nightmares and just incapable of dealing, feeling exhausted perpetually and tired, and so exhausted i couldn't even be grouchy or whatever, i was just like, i dunno, sapped. i guess i'm normally not grouchy when i'm tired, i just get really sensitive when someone starts being mean to me, which made all the people in arizona so much worse probably because i could tell they were staring and like, i know looks of ire/hate/whatever, and i dunno, maybe the people who look like they want to hatefuck me. they're rarer, i think most people there, honestly most, were pretty disturbed by me. not a surprise cuz that state hates anyone who has something strange happening with their gender. i guess i made it harder on myself, i could have just let myself look like how i was born but i don't like doing that and knowing i might have to makes me really unhappy. i just want to be myself but i guess everyone suffers consequences for being alive, getting stared at is maybe on the less bad end, well it definitely is, but it really fucks with you honestly, i think. like, what can you do, i stare back, usually they stop, arizona is the first place people really didn't look away. i remember a guy in the hotel lobby during free breakfast, he kept staring, i was standing still, looking at him while i threw my food away, he didn't quit it until at least 40 seconds of staring took place. it's like they think they let you win if they act polite. another instance, walking to get lunch with my gf, these 3 or 4 men at this table outside did not stop looking, i locked eyes with one directly facing me and nearest, and he just began muttering under his breath, and finally looked away out of some kind of total frustration. women were doing this too, from across the street, all that. families, children (which is more whatever, it only sucks when it feels like/seems like the parents think it's good that their kids stare so it dissuades anyone from being a freak (and also, exposing their kid to someone they think is bad so that way they know what bad people look like or whatever)). i spent a lot of the trip around college aged people, which would make you think this wasn't what happened most of the time, but really, these college people did it constantly, they also talked about doing drugs/drinking and teaching kids at church. a really weird/evil campus. two superchristians asked me some questions, and they weren't bad at all. that's still shocking to me. they obviously wanted me to convert and that probably comes with a stop being weird desire but they at least talked to me like they would anyone else.

me w/ a candy fag in my axes femme dress. i don't think i looked that ugly! i don't know. maybe i was super ugly outside of the very flattering/nice bathroom mirror. i really need a mirror like that in the apartment. i took a bunch of selfies in it so i can just have pix of my face in good lighting so i don't think too badly of myself.

not being able to work out fully sucked too, by the by.

also, first day, i realized how good my psp is as a mp3 player, and it also has a visualizer, which gave me the idea to use that for the album somehow, that'll be really exciting when i get that goinggg.

asu is one of the weirdest places i've ever been, i don't have many photos of it on my computer now, but the place felt super evil. for one, walking into some of the buildings, my gf and i saw all these vr headsets hooked up to a wall in this really menacing way, they hung as ghosts or skeletons in tombs, with that raytheon sheen to them, something really evil. it made me think of things james ferraro is into right now, and his video game, and the store ultimate electronic, ancient and lost to time certainly. beyond the bizarrely super tech-forward aspect of this campus (it is hugely a part of the culture there it seems, arizona i think wants to bring in startups to boost its local economy + they really would love to have that clout at asu (which they seem to be getting, proving themselves as great lapdogs for capital 10 years in a row now receiving #1 in many terms such as innovation, globlal impact, sustainability)), the place had like 7 churches attached to it. what else, i dunno, the architecture was nice and then very suddenly there were these hudson-yards esque growths, weird neoliberal light installations (raytheon sheen, smooth, rgb lightcycles, huge, inoffensive and basically pretty at some angles, recalling a jellyfish in the night, at others, bringing to mind yoga studio moodlighting as imagined by wal-mart led lightbulbs), and so on. the people on campus, even at night, as activity died, stared and were very weird. uptight stem people it feels like, mostly. on campus though i did see some very nice art, which i will probably get to post w/ names tomorrow. my gf's conference put these on at the school as well, so it was really not related to asu, which feels good i think. i like that stuff, and i'm glad that can stick with me, one woman's work (audrey robinovitz) i saw was some textile stuff she did, really lovely grading on the values in it, supposedly she's weird on twitter but i quite like her visual art (she also had a poem there which sucked but whateverrrr). and jessica tucker created these:

i love them, trapped in plastic, expressing and deformed, part of your communication becoming the ways you are failing to cross the gap, the way you're stuck in the uncanny forever sometimes, the way mania feels when you can't fully communicate with your body, all that kind of stuff. also looks like people stuck in their own reflections in water, not staring at themselves for pleasure but operating from way down there, that history of having been reflected all that instantiates them. whatever. you get it, i like it, i think it is communicating something to me. i'll try and say more about the other works i saw tomorrow when i post them, put thoughts to text as i think these things probably deserve.

i also took some rather sexual photos of these birch trees on the campus, hopefully i can use them but they struck me as reminiscent of hans bellmer and so it felt necessary to take these photos.

and here are some other eerie things i found/shot:

i also did go to one aquarium in a mall, a regular aquarium, and a zoo. i quite liked these, but my gf's mom spent much of these trips saying how she'd gone to better places, and i know she paid and stuff, but it honestly felt pretty rude, i dunno. i never got out a lot, the only really cool places like that i've been are the san diego zoo, which got cut short because i think i was being stupid as a kid, the monterey bay aquarium (i think one of the happiest moments of my life, which is very sad i suppose, but i really adored seeing all those fish just doing things) and the aquarium in chicago, the shed or whatever, i dunno its name, that one was really beautiful too, great creatures on display and a great view of the lake through a huge window. the zoo made me kind of sad, because we saw some animals who seemed pretty unhappy, the jungle cats, a leopard who was pacing as humans do when in stress, a very abnormal behavior, i think, and a sick cat. i didn't take many photos at these, just cuz i wanted to be in the moment for it, i like seeing them do things.

as far as special displays go, i did get to see some batfish, which i don't believe i've ever seen, and i also saw some flounder, a very crazy thing to see, their eyes really are so baffling and surreal, they should not be alive it feels like.

in the zoo, all the reptiles and snakes especially were kept up front and very visible, which was wild to me, i saw some of them moving their funny heads around, they really are such cute and strange creatures. it was also great seeing lizards, i love them, i recognized many from the wild but it was still very fun. also in the reptile enclosure, apparently a family i didn't see was staring at me more than the animals, very annoying! on the other end of that, we all got to see some prairie dogs just chilling, which was very cute/fun. my gf and her mom say they were the highlight of the trip when it comes to animals.

some pics of the 2 aquariums, i wonder if i'll find a way to use these:

and from the mall:

fun and old style of ornamentation in arizona mills.

as far as daytrip stuff, the last thing we really did was today, when we went to this pumpkin patch thing, it was cute, i felt like i was in the illbleed worm level so i felt pretty happy, the haunted and weird autumnal atmospheres really speak to me so when i got to experience that kind of thing in the corn maze/ the pumpkin patch that was full of rotting pumpkins that kids have kicked open, i really enjoyed myself. it feels like a deep thing in me, that's attracted to all that stuff. the carny/fairground stuff, the gentle abjection of it. we also saw some goats, that was cute. we also saw a really insane food truck that has the q anon shaman as a skeleton as its logo on it:

people here were of course very weird too, but not so bad, worse than vegas but not as bad as phoenix it felt like. but, one woman saw me holding a huge pumpkin and she said: you need two!! and held one of her smaller pumpkins up to her breast, and laughed, and i laughed, and she said: i've been looking all day for another! it's the perfect gag. and she went off still looking. she treated me like a human i think, so she is kind of a hero to me, sincerely, i hope she found her other pumpkin for her photo.

we also did some other stuff ofc, through the days, my gf's mom really wanted to go to this huge hunting store, we went to that, i played a shooting game in it and scored 970 points-ish, my gf got 350-ish. my gf's mom got disturbed that i looked at the guns a lot but it's really a fascinating place. these stores are where men go to waste money how they think their wives waste money on clothes, thousand dollar accessories, maybe biting the bullet on something way more expenisve (keeping the typo) , the displays and sale tactics are the same, and just as well, this is the american male fantasy, or at least one of them, the rural king of his land, and the way weapons are represented and which ones are sold, really can communicate a lot. overall it's crazy and fascinating, it's why i like looking in bass pro shops, at the people and the things they buy, and the things they deem fun diversions in their stores (for instance all the weird old candy they sell in these hunting superstores). anyways, as you expect, the base is hugely reactionary and everyone there found me kind of freakish except this grandma who just didn't realize, and when she did, she just smiled. here's a sticker i saw in the parking lot on a car there:

no pain, no gain, shut up and.

so anyways, one final anecdote:

my gf's mom loving bill maher made us watch him and it was so shocking how stupid he is and bad his show is that i started making jokes about it with my gf and she got so mad she just silently shut the tv off and watched the real housewives on her phone. because i said bill maher needs a guy to tell him when to piss over an earpiece.

soooooooooooo,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[butmakeitgayblog]

Would UTI's the same then? I've never had either so I don't know what is and isn't uncomfortable.

What about lights on/lights off? Obviously that is a choice communicated between partners and varies, but does it like *say* something about you if you prefer it one way or the other? I've heard women complain about their partners like, "oh my god Brian wore socks to bed the other night and it was disgusting" "you too?! Greg does the same thing and it's the worst". Do gay ladies do that kind of thing? Like, "I got with this girl last night and she only wanted a small amount of light in the room, what a weirdo"

What if I get with someone and either they or I have trouble getting the other off? Obvs again, communication, reading your partner, etc etc etc, but how do you go about it? Again, different people, different types, everything, I'm not looking for a hard-and-fast rule, maybe just a little life experience?

I know these are totally non-sequitur. But that's the thing is it's hard to find a fully serious answer because either the question is so trivial it doesn't matter or people already know and I don't, and I really hate feeling stupid.

Ok just as a broad stroke here, my advice for anything wrong going on in the downtown is to get it cleared up before having sex. UTIs can be painful af and if left untreated can cause a w i d e range of issues including death (if left long enough that it goes to your kidneys. And it will.). So just know my answer will always be don't have sex when you're dealing with an undercarriage issue cuz you're probably 1. Not gonna feel comfortable and 2. Gonna make it worse 🧐

As for the lights thing, I mean, I think it's just a comfort issue. Maybe they have body issues or being fully seen feels too intimate. Maybe it's just over stimulating and they feel like they can focus more in the dark. I don't think it says anything particularly bad or good either way tbh. I've always done it with the lights on or candles but tbh it's never even been a question that's been brought up 🤷‍♀️ it's just kinda like... they're on. We're not stopping to shut them off. Or if they're off when we go in the room I flip them on like normal cuz ya girl is blind and I will knock into something. So. I assume it's the same with everyone. I never really got much why that was like A Thing with straight people. No shade, just being honest on my part

Also, I know this isn't what you meant but the socks thing just gave me this mental image of like,,, getting ready to fuck and then the girl walks in butt ass naked with just a strap and a gleaming white pair of socks on 🥴😂😂😂 yeah that'd I'd lose my shit over lol like wtf girl you took everything else off but not the socks?? So for something like that i wouldn't be mad but they better not get mad when we have to wait 10 minutes for me to stop laughing

Here's the thing, what I'm getting from all these asks isn't at all that you're stupid, it's just that you're way overthinking it. You're trying to plan ahead or envision so many what ifs so that on the off chance they happen you'll be prepared. But the fact is, you can't do that. Not really. You'll never be 100% prepared for anything in life. You're gonna make missteps and get surprised by stuff and yeah sometimes you'll do something that'll make you look back and cringe at yourself (but also hopefully laugh). But you'll learn from all of it too and in doing that you'll figure what's right for you. My experiences will never be your experiences and no matter how much advice I give you, there will be curveballs. And that's ok. You're gonna figure who you are as a queer person and what you do and don't like. Who knows, maybe you'll turn out to be the one who ends up liking to have sex with socks on 👀 and if so, I guarantee there's someone out there with cold toes who would love it 💕

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 32 - 20 March 2023, 8:34pm

I've kind of realized (if you can even call it that) something.

I've been thinking about my entire tirade about feminine men: expression not being an identity, and stuff along those lines.

Am I not, to some extent, presenting myself the way that some of these men are? It's a given that even compared to them, I'm taking baby steps by wearing more feminine undergarments, but still.

Am I not acting like them, right now?

...

Some days, I'm fine with being me (again, I'm talking about being me in isolation. my envy can be triggered by simply glancing at a girl or woman). Other days, the constant reminder of how masculine I am (in terms of mannerisms, body, and dressing) hits me like a brick to the face.

I wonder what would have happened if I was brought up with a more classically female childhood, or if I was allowed to express this part of me. Would I still want to be a girl? Would stopping at being a feminine man be enough?

... would I envy my partners for being girls, if i could be like them?

Also, I kinda read up about how some crossdressing people do develop dysphoria later in life, but, i'm not too sure about that. not going to count on that.

i've also been visiting subreddits and looking around for people who found out that they were feminine men instead of trans women. that bag of experiences i got was pretty mixed. there were people who transitioned, only to find out that they were feminine men (which, imo, is the worst possible outcome for me), and there were people who tried being feminine men, but realized that they still wanted more.

There were also some people who realized that they fell outside the binary, or were something else altogether, but still.

If it's not me being trans, then why do I hate being male? Why the fuck do I envy the girls and women around me, arguably to a degree that is causing me distress?

Imagine envying your coworker or cousins, or family members. You shouldn't, but you do. And it has you beating yourself up because of that cognitive dissonance between what you're doing, in the face of what you shouldn't be doing.

Imagine wanting to be your partner. You shouldn't, but you do. And it breeds resentment towards your partner. It breeds the motivation to find out about things you can do to be closer to a girl than you are.

Imagine wanting to be a girl, but your own mind resists you on the grounds that it shouldn't be something you're supposed to want.

But yet, I want to be a girl.

It's preferable over that feeling of being left out when girls talk about girl things, like periods.

Am I supposed to feel lucky that I don't have them? Because I sure as hell don't know. I feel left out. Sure, nobody wants to have severe abdominal cramps every month, but... I... just feel so left out. I don't know why I'm supposed to feel lucky that I don't have them, and I wouldn't have been surprised if I wanted to have them at some point.

I'm fucking spouting nonsense again just ignore me. I have a feeling that someone out there is just going to ask me to shut up because I'm born a guy and will stay that way till I die. That I should be lucky that I don't have to worry about getting pregnant or having periods.

But it hurts being a guy. It hurts so fucking much, to the point I've literally planned ways to die, just so I don't have to suffer like this anymore.

or maybe I'm stupid.

...

other than that, i initially wanted to call the music store to ask about their guitar repair thing but felt so crappy that i eventually decided to just waste my whole fucking day away by sleeping.

and i keep saying that i care more about my guitar than i do for myself.

and i finally learnt how to shave my... beard (ugh), with my eyes closed. i don't even want to touch it anymore. maybe i should laser that off before i go for enlistment.

and i recently found out i can't watch shows for too long anymore cuz i'd just end up envying the women in said show 🙃

just end me already i'm just some crazy person who wants to be a girl; i'm not one. i can see the face and almost hear the voice of a girl whom I used to envy.

i don't know what i want, or if the things i want are just massively blown out of proportion because of years of repression and being taught that my own needs and wants are not important.

... FUCK ME.

[thedoctorofsteel]

I posted 7,762 times in 2021

58 posts created (1%)

7704 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 132.8 posts.

I added 226 tags in 2021

#lucifer spoilers - 117 posts

#long post - 22 posts

#dw spoilers - 19 posts

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#op - 12 posts

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#tag game - 7 posts

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#my stuff - 6 posts

#this has been a rant - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 127 characters

#i felt lost suddenly trying to figure out a grade one autistic kid cuz i wasn't sure what i should expect from him as a student

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I'm blue duboo dee duboo dye

10 notes • Posted 2021-07-03 04:50:25 GMT

#4

Bought shorts in the guys section for the first time today. Not only do they have good sized pockets and fit over my thighs but they're soooo comfortable! And make me feel good about how I look. Kind of gender confirming. Don't get me wrong I'll still wear my cut off jean short shorts but even those were once men's pants. Shopping in the men's section is just overall a better experience.

12 notes • Posted 2021-05-11 20:48:03 GMT

#3

The mask mandate has been lifted in my city. So naturally barely anyone is wearing a mask.

This shouldn't have happened till her immunity! Guys. Guys. My city is only 3% fully immunized. Only 28% have their first dose. We are so far off herd immunity it isn't funny.

Like I'm trying to not have a panic attack cuz covid cases are gonna sky rocket and I wouldn't be surprised if a new strain appears.

I hate this so much.

12 notes • Posted 2021-07-01 20:09:27 GMT

#2

I'm officially coming out as non-binary. Specifically gender fluid!

It's kinda weird to just post that so uh here's how I got here?

One: When I was little I always wanted to be a boy. I hated that I was expected to wear a shirt when the boys around me didn't and we had the same chest cuz I was ya know a kid. So I often just didn't wear a shirt much to my parents' dismay. I always said I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up. My dad would correct me that I meant cowgirl. I said no. Cowboy.

Two: Growing up and into adulthood it made me happy being called one of the guys. When someone thought I was male it didn't bother me. If anything it made me happy.

Three: I was looking back thinking I wasn't trans because I didn't think I was a boy I just wished I was a boy.

Four: I wrote a personal essay in women's studies. My prof wrote on it 'It seems you don't follow gender binary'

Five: A post on this here tumblr said 'Wanting to be the opposite gender is a symptom of being the opposite gender'

Six: I thought ok. But I also do feel female a lot. Sometimes I hate having boobs but often I love it. I love how they make me feel sexy. So no way I can be a trans man.

Seven: somewhere in the above I had heard of gender fluid. It was at this point I thought maybe I'm both? So in quiet moments I thought to myself. What gender do I feel right now? And sometimes it was my assigned gender. Sometimes it was male. Sometimes I dissociated from gender all together. (Though I've never felt both male and female at the same time)

Eight: I cut my hair into a short androgenous style and suddenly felt really good about my looks. That was kind of the nail in the coffin.

Nine: I told my husband and now I can tell everyone else so here I am.

I use any pronouns because there's no way anyone can know what I'm identifying as at any point in time and I don't expect them to ask me every time they want to use pronouns. That's just dumb. And changing to they/them altogether doesn't feel right. But feel free to use they/them. Basically whatever the heck you want to use is good.

So there's that. Thanks for reading. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask!

19 notes • Posted 2021-05-03 02:47:11 GMT

#1

649 notes • Posted 2021-10-04 20:27:20 GMT

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