#also felt lied to because I thought he was an inexperienced dad

[awkward-radar-tech]

Saw 65 with my boyfriend tonight. I enjoyed it, but it’s not at the rewatch on my own on repeat, like Paterson or the man who killed don quiote, level. But I wouldn’t say no to watching it if someone else wanted to watch it like all of his Noah movies (besides marriage story, I’ll watch that).

I was “upset” that there wasn’t weird time travel like I thought there was based on the trailer. And also there were not enough feathers…. There should have been more feathers.

Overall, beyond the Adam part of it, it was a fun space dinosaur movie with some surprises but also very expected plot points based on its genre but it didn’t feel like those parts were done in a worn out way.

[howtogettheshyguy]

Hi! Thanks for both yours and L's responses. For some additional context we're both in our mid 20s and both equally inexperienced in dating. And the adoption talk was not to me, it was to a mutual friend who later told me about it. He recognizes that being a single parent is hard so I don't think he believes that that will actually happen. He's also said he doesn't want to be a "old dad." So after a certain point, if he doesn't meet someone, and isn't financially able to adopt and raise a child on his own, he'd just give up on that dream and retire early.

I had another conversation with him because the more I thought about it, I felt like I had been lied to. So I gave him a whole list of why I thought he had feelings for me, since he had been treating me as a psuedo girlfriend this entire time. We've never had physical intimacy beyond light touches and hugs, but the emotional intimacy is there. And after laying this all out, he said he understood why I would think that he liked me. And said he would need to take some time to reflect on his own behavior. We originally were going to meet up in 2 weeks in person, but he decided that that might be a bad idea now, and that he might need more time. I asked him why he couldn't just give it a shot, would it really be that different to just date me? We're already halfway there. But he said that he has just never felt "a spark." He couldn't really explain what that meant, but if I had to guess it's the butterflies you get when you first have a crush on someone. The excitement when something is new. But are you going to get that with someone you've been friends with for a long time and are incredibly comfortable with? Probably not. I want to eventually ask him to consider just trying to take me on a couple of dates, and try to feel things out. During this time I can push him a bit more than I normally would have, out of fear I'd make him uncomfortable. Maybe hold his hand, arm, kiss his cheek, etc. I'm not sure if he'd agree to that right now, so for now I'll let him ruminate on things and withdraw from him.

He also did explain that he does have self confidence issues and that he talked himself out of doing anything with the girl from 8 years ago, but that the situation with me is different. I'm not completely convinced, I feel like this feeling might be so deeply rooted at this point that he's doing it sub consciously. 

But in the meantime, I downloaded a dating app for the first time and I think I'll try going on a few dates and see how they go. I'm a little nervous as I've never really dated anyone before, but I think I have to put myself out there at this point. I'll stop giving this guy the girlfriend treatment and put more distance between us and see if that makes him realize what he's losing out on.

Hi, I'm tagging you "adoption girl" ;-)

Ok so he's not that invested in the idea of adoption. That's good, it makes him more of a normal person now

I think that your guy is stuck in what I call the "intermediate zone". You managed to get close to him and he seems to trust you. But over the years he probably got accustomed of having you at a certain distance. Close as friends and emotionally but not as boyfriend girlfriend. He is keeping you close, but not too close and keeps you at a distance but not too far

I think that he is really set in his ways now and it will be difficult to make him realize that he may be wrong. If you are right and your instincts are correct, you could be great together but he won't be able to see that or believe it's possible. As "L" said, you could be wasting a lot more time on him

As for dating other people, if you can, perhaps try the friends of friends approach. App dating is a whole other thing. I'm no expert on regular dating, but using an app has a higher risk of bringing troublesome people in your life ;-)

I still think that if he realizes that he could lose you, that his behavior and his vies might change. So no matter what approach you use, do go all in to dating other people and building a life outside of your shy guy. It might be the only way you'll ever get the "truth" out of him. And once you have your own separate life, you might find that you don't need him as much as you thought

This "exercise" might be good for both of you :-)

[darkacademicfrom2021]

The Dark Team (part 10)

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(Taglist: @lucywrites02, @louieboo87, @the-departed-potato, @jesuswasnotawhiteman, @idontknow296 , @beksib, @spythoschei, @geekwritersworld , @whatafuckingdumbass, @mysticunicorn7)

Warnings: adorable jerks.

As the sun finally came up (for what it felt like an eternity, a night with seven nights inside of it), you rubbed your eyes and greeted your teammates, who somehow were both already up and having breakfast.

“I was wondering when would you join us”, said Loki, covering his mouth with the manners of a Prince while eating a piece of something. “Barnes made dessert for breakfast”, pointed out more amazed than reproachful.

“Desert?”, you laughed. “A cake?”.

“Yes”, said Loki, very sure of himself, and Bucky rolled his eyes and chuckled, correcting him.

“It’s a pancake, Loki. It’s a normal breakfast in Midgard”.

“Actually, probably just in this country”, you added. “What do you normally have in Asgard?”. As you chattered, you started getting ready and fixing your hair, stealing a piece of pancake from Bucky’s plate. “Wow, I didn’t know you could cook. It’s actually great”, you said, tasting a mouthful.

“Well, as in Midgard’s nordic areas, back home it’s often fruit and bread, or porridge with dried fruits” he recalled distracted, and immediately interrupted himself with “are we not supposed to alert the rest of this?”.

“About Buck knowing how to cook? Yeah, I’m impressed, we should tell everyone”.

“I guess we should’ve told them yesterday, instead of going to sleep”, said Bucky, ignoring you. “Only God knows where that supersoldier is now”.

“I don’t, actually”.

“I didn’t mean... nevermind”, he sighed. “I'm calling Stark and let’s hope we don’t get too yelled at”.

You recalled yesterday’s events. You had so many dreams, you could barely remember being awake at all. First, the bearded man’s nightmare. Then, something about… the compound? Then, you remembered distinctly, Loki speaking Old Norse begging Thor about something. You remembered the phonetic of the words, but they were all gibberish now. Then, a last dream, something about buying rotten apples and being forced to eat them by Thanos. Your imagination surely was active on the nights.

Loki seemed paler than usual as he stared at you, without even blinking.

“What?”, you snapped him out of your head.

“You dreamt with me?”, he muttered, getting up and cleaning his plate with a snap.

"I also dreamt with Thanos".

“Don’t get too attached, I’ll be back to Asgard soon”, he promised, or alerted. Intentions unclear.

“I’m not attached”, you protested. You thought he’d smirk or be the smug idiot he usually was. He didn’t. Instead, he looked unsettled; disturbed even. “I didn’t dream with you on purpose, it was probably because of yesterday’s thing”.

“What thing?”, peeped in Bucky. “Oh no, did you two fuck?”.

“I didn’t let them die, big deal. I was just saving myself the amount of annoyance it would be to have Stank on my neck all week long if your blood was sort of in my hands”.

“Sounds like a lot of deflecting emotions to me, buddy”, said Bucky, and you chuckled.

“He’s just embarrassed he saw himself cry in one of my dreams from last night”, you mocked. He got up and you didn’t get to see his face, but presumed it would hold something near a death threat.

“You two have an intense bonding experience and decide to concentrate on it with more insults? You know, this is why you’re single”, added Bucky.

“It wasn’t a bonding experience”, you said, cutting-glass sharpness in your gaze.

“I’m not single”, corrected Loki at the same time, with an equally whetted voice.

Both Bucky and you looked at him with plate-wide eyes, waiting for him to elaborate. He didn’t. Neither of you asked, but surely shared a fair amount of desire to gossip about it. Oh, how much you wished to be able to tell Bucky about Loki re-reading Hamlet to reminisce about his beloved. But there was a line you wouldn’t cross in there; you knew where to stop.

“Mr. Stark”, you called through the earbud, “you there, sir?”.

“Painfully”, he answered. You connected the earbud to your phone and held it on speaker, so the rest of the team could join. “Tell me more about what I’m gonna yell at you three about”.

As you walked him through (almost) every event in the past twenty four hours, you could feel how his hands traveled all the way up to his face, and had to hold in a few sighs of disgust and utter hate towards… Well, you weren’t sure towards what, exactly.

“Are we grounded, dad?”, spat Loki with sarcasm.

“Listen, Rock Of Ages, if I could, I’d have you in a prison cell still to this day. Don’t push any buttons”.

“Come on, it’s been, what, nine years since he last fucked up something in here?” you defended him, not quite sure why. Loki grew nervous as Tony laughed obnoxiously at him.

“Sure. He didn’t keep fucking things up in here after that”.

“I can assure you I didn’t. How Odin manages his deals with Midgard does not concern me”, explained Loki, and you frowned at the mention of that name. Of course, Loki Odinson. That was where that name resonated from. Besides the Mythology. Though you weren't sure until where those stories were true or not; in there, Loki wasn't even Thor's brother.

“Going back to your current screw up, what happened to the civilians you frightened in the process? I imagine they didn’t realize about the new supersoldiers”.

“They should be extremely blind or idiotic to not have noticed, since the soldier jumped out of nine floors and survived”, answered Loki, looked at you up and down, and kept going “so, no. They have probably slept on it”.

“Wait, what?”.

“What?”.

“Nine floors? Pretty sure Capsicle and Barnes wouldn’t survive that either”.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”, you asked, concerned.

“I’m afraid so. Loki and Bucks won’t cut it, especially when we don’t know the number of new super-supersoldiers out there. And you’re coming back to the compound, directing the mission from the distance”.

“Are you kidding? I’m fine here. I’m all levels of mean, you said it yourself”.

“You’re too young and inexperienced in combat for these kinds of things, and they have special genetic advantages in their bodies, you know, the serum”, explained Tony as you rolled your eyes. But you understood exactly what he meant, and in fact, you agreed. “Do you understand?”.

“Yes; supersoldiers and Gods only”.

“Good kid. Now, Teleporting Popsicle, would you mind taking there with you the rest?”.

With an overly dramatic sigh, Loki vanished behind a party of green lights and reappeared in a matter of seconds in the same spot, holding carelessly Thor and Steve’s arms. Thor, for obvious reasons, was unfazed by the trip. Rogers, on the other hand, seemed about to throw up. There wasn’t anything balance would help with when your cells are reconfigurated inside and out in a fraction of a second. How the hell did he do all of that? You knew it was magic, but it still wouldn’t stop you from being absolutely astonished by it.

Loki arranged his hair behind his ears and locked eyes with you, followed by his typical smugly smile and a “thank you”, as if you were praising him in your thoughts. Oh, wait.

“I didn’t say anything”, you retorted, hoping to maintain at least a drop of pride left.

“You thought I was impressive”. You were going to correct him but realized that absolutely astonished was even worse.

“And since when do you offer gratitude?”.

“In case you wonder, yes, they’ve been like this the whole mission. You’ll get used to it”, said Bucky to Steve and Thor.

They started arranging their things and got updated as thoroughly as they could. Meanwhile, you stood exactly where you were the following ten minutes, absorbed in your own thoughts. Once you snapped out of them, Loki was still staring at you, standing in the same place too.

“What?”.

“I hate to break it to you, but…”.

“What?”.

“I’m your best option”.

“You’re my what?”.

“Your best option”.

“You’re not giving much context”.

“You’re going back to the compound. I figured you’d think about the mission or something about it for the past ten minutes you were zoned out, but apparently you only have room to think about how terrified you’re of that quinjet”.

Your palms got sweaty and a shiver ran through your spine by the only thought of remembering how heights felt under your feet, and how a simple machine wouldn’t stop you from landing on water and drowning, or crushing against a building and being burned to the bones until all you become is dust and…

“Hello? You’re spiraling again”, he snapped you back. “It’ll be just a blink. You won’t even notice”.

“Uh-uh. No, I’m not doing that. I’m waiting for whatever Tony sends to come and get me”.

“You’ll feel terrible”, he said, and he was right. For a moment, you considered accepting his offer. “And I’m the best”. His humble offer.

“I’m sure you are, but it’s not my best option”.

He sighed.

“Will you allow me to teleport you or not?”.

“Heavens, no”.

“Alright, you little stubborn human mortal”.

“Long nickname, you better come up with a shorter one”.

“Like what?”.

“I don’t know, something that bothers you. I’m not the one supposed to make your insults towards me”.

“Let me think”, he said, looking around the room. His gaze landed on the still unwashed plate of Bucky’s breakfast. “Pancake”.

“Not... that’s not an insult”.

“Why? They’re too sugary. They rot your teeth”.

“Yeah, but it’s not derogatory”.

“Fucking pancake”.

“It doesn’t cut it”.

“But what’s wrong with my pancake?”.

“It’s actually a pet name. You know, like the ones we said when we were in...”, but apparently that was all a distraction (of course, he was the God of Lies, after all), and when you were already thinking about how to explain to him why he shouldn’t call you pancake, he stood in front of you and held you by both sides of the arms, surrounding you almost completely, holding you still.

And just as he said, a blink later you were in the compound, perfectly fine. Peter and Tony greeted you as he pulled out and you stood there in shock. So, you really just needed some stabilization to not die in the intricate process of teleportation. Just before stepping away from you, he leaned over your shoulder and his whisper made your ear ticklish, saying “you’re welcome” with a grin. You didn’t look at him.

You started to gather all your stuff; papers, maps, laptops, and getting ready for the planning of the following steps of the mission as fast as you could, until you realized Loki was still there, and Tony and Peter were waiting for you. For what, you weren’t sure.

“Aren’t you going?”, you asked Loki.

“No, I’m staying, apparently”.

“Why?”.

“That’s what Stark was thinking, I don’t know”.

“Hey, Elsa, don’t read my mind, would you?”, snapped Tony. He was about to explain himself, but you kept talking to Loki, cutting his words.

“What’s wrong with you that you read everyone’s thoughts all the time? You know how unethical that is? It’s invasive”.

“You say that because you think slow”.

“Untrue, I’m actually a very fast thinker”.

“How would you know? You’ve never read anyone’s minds so, how could you possibly…?”.

You stopped dead on your tracks, and didn’t listen to what he was saying. That phrase. That exact phrase you dreamt with. The darkness. It was the exact same voice of the darkness, you remembered. It wasn’t darkness, it was his voice. Were you just imagining things? Too suggestionated? Definitely. How could you dream with something you’ve never heard before?

“Sorry to interrupt, you two seem to be having a long, unnecessary and avoidant conversation that could be resumed in three tiny words, as you did all mission long” interfered Tony, sick of listening to you two. Loki was observing you as heedful as he could; your thoughts had caught his attention. You couldn’t read his face. “So, I’m gonna cut it shortly”.

“What?”, you went back to reality. You needed to actively ignore Loki’s gaze on you to actually pay any mind to Tony’s words.

“The rest of the team has another mission, and both Peter and you are technically still kids…” and as soon as you opened your mouth to argue, he shut it “no, don’t interrupt me. You know I’m right. So, I can’t leave you two alone for the entire week”.

“Oh”, you understood. Peter’s innocent eyes shone at the idea. Yours, not so much. “So, Loki is our babysitter”.

“Yes”, said Loki, while Tony answered “No” at the same time.

"What about Happy?", asked Peter.

“I think we can manage perfectly on our own. Besides, what makes you think he’s more responsible than me?”.

“He’s an adult”.

“He’s seventeen in human years, and fucked a horse”.

“Wow, someone has been stalking my mythology”.

“If you two quarrel too much, Peter will tell me and I’ll be back with Clint Barton in charge of you three. So you better behave. Alright, I’m leaving”.

“Wait! What are the rules?”, asked Peter. You grabbed your face and Loki muttered what a damn nerd.

“Eh, don’t burn down the compound, I don’t know, kid”, said Tony getting inside his bright red suit.

“The bar is on the floor. Let’s play macarena”, you whispered.

[plotting-against-you]

Will It Ever Be the Same (Part 1)

Fandom: Nancy Drew (TV 2019)

Characters: Ryan Hudson, Nancy Drew, Ace, Bess Marvin, George Fan, Ned 'Nick' Nickerson

Prompt(s): This is based on two prompts. One of those prompts is from Alicia, who asked: "Could you do one where Nancy is 13 instead, has blonde hair like Lucy, and blue eyes like Ryan? She goes to his place like in 1x17 to get help for the ritual and on the way out she gets dizzy because she's been working herself to exhaustion. In that moment Ryan notices how similar she looks to Lucy and himself but decides not to say anything but also knows Nancy is his. She eventually tells him before doing the ritual. They go back to his place and he just says 'I know it's you'. She gets overwhelmed, almost passes out, and he just sits with her and tells her to rest."

This is also for @nancydrewcentral's week 2 hiatus prompt: Time Period AU.

Warnings: Panic/Anxiety attacks, mentions of anxiety and coping mechanisms, mentions of character deaths (past and present), mentions of suicide

Nancy wrapped her arms around herself as she bent over, heaving shallow breaths into the air. The sky grew lighter now, as she’d been running for most of the night, and she found herself unsure what to do or where to go next.

“You’re DNA wasn’t a match for the female hair.”

“It’s a mother-daughter match for Lucy Sable.”

“She’s me. The baby is me.”

She couldn’t believe the information she had just found out, and she wished she were older. She thought that if she were older, she might have had more experience in life to handle this sort of life-shattering revelation, but being only fourteen years old, all she felt was betrayal.

And heartbreak.

And panic.

So maybe she felt a lot of things, Nancy admitted to herself, but she felt she had the right to do so. Her whole life had been turned upside-down in a matter of a few hours, and she wasn’t sure what to do now.

She’d been told stories of how hard freshman year in high school could be, but she was positive her friends hadn’t meant this.

She saw headlights approaching and ducked behind a tree, holding her breath as they passed. Though she knew it could be dangerous for someone as young as her to be out alone all night, she was in no mood to face her father. Besides, it wasn’t like she was inexperienced.

She was Nancy Drew, after all.

Or was she?

She let herself plop onto her butt in the grass as she contemplated what to do next. She couldn’t face Carson—for calling him ‘Dad’ now was too hard—but she couldn’t stay out there for too much longer. She’d left her jacket as she climbed out her bedroom window and had started to shiver as soon as she had stopped running.

Her heart ached for the only woman she’d ever known as mother, Kate Drew, and her feelings were mixed there. She didn’t want to be bad at her…whatever she was to her now. Kate had died only a year earlier, and coming to terms with the fact that she’d lied to her hurt more than she wanted to admit.

Then she shivered again and realized she had to find somewhere to take shelter.

She could go to The Claw, she knew. She and her friends had picked up summer jobs working there for cash—under the table of course and no pun intended—and Dawn had always said they could go there whenever they needed. But her friends wouldn’t be there for a few hours yet, and Nancy wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to explain her new parentage to them yet.

As the rush of memories from the night prior filled her head, she picked out one statement that kept replaying itself.

“Ryan Hudson is my biological father.”

She’d seen Ryan Hudson in many different ways over the last few months. For fourteen years, she’d known him as the rich, arrogant hill topper who only graced their town when it was convenient for him or his business dealings.

Then his wife had died during her shift at The Claw, and they’d all been thrown into what she thought would be the weirdest time in her life. Being a murder suspect at fourteen wasn’t what any of her friends had expected for their lives, but it had happened. It was while she was trying to solve that case that she started to see a different side to the man.

Then she’d found out everything regarding his painful loss of Lucy Sable, and her heart broke for him.

Though she’d wanted to help him and Lucy’s ghost in some way, she was forced to put her feelings on pause as even crazier things came to pass—it would be just their luck to call to a sea spirit that wanted them dead—and she’d had to change her list of priorities.

Now all she could think about was how she knew the difficulty in trying to reconcile something in your brain that you had no control over and no knowledge of, no matter how hard you tried.

Standing from her spot in the damp grass, she took a deep breath and started walking again.

This time she knew exactly where she was going.

…

Her phone rang just as she was approaching Ryan’s house.

Groaning as she assumed it was her…Carson, again, she lifted it to hang up but stopped when she saw that it was Ace instead.

He’d been at The Claw with her the night before when she’d read the DNA match on John Sanders’ laptop. So far, he was the only one to know her secret outside of herself and Carson, and she’d only let him stay because he refused to leave her side.

Though he was usually more ‘chill’ than that, he could be a very protective boyfriend when he wanted to be.

She knew that he would be worried about her, especially considering he knew her better than anyone else in her life. So, deciding it would be a good idea to at least tell him she was alive and not eaten by a bear or killed by the Aglaeca, she answered and lifted it to her ear.

“Ace.” She breathed his name out like he was the life raft she needed to save her from drowning.

“Nancy.” She could hear the concern in his voice. “Where are you? Are you okay? Your dad called my parents and said that you ran away.”

She bit her lip. “Carson told me the truth after I confronted him.”

“Oh, Nance…” He used her nickname, and it squeezed at her heart.

“I’m sorry I made you worry.” Her voice was thick with tears as she felt them rush to her eyes. “I can’t be around him right now.”

Ace’s voice was soft as if he were calming a scared animal. “You could have come to me.”

She shook her head, though she knew rationally that he couldn’t see her. She had the brief thought that maybe he had hacked a satellite and could possibly see her. When they’d started dating, he promised he would do anything he could to keep her happy and safe.

“I’m sorry. If I had come there, your parents would have told Carson, and I just….”

“I get it.” His voice was equal parts comforting and protective. “Just tell me if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” She sniffed.

“Good. Because I know you’re dealing with a lot, but uh, George’s mom says the Aglaeca’s coming after us.” He said it quickly as if ripping off a band-aid.

This stopped her in her tracks, and she paid no mind to the fact that she stood on the side of a dangerously curved road in the middle of nowhere.

In her silence, he continued. “Nick, Bess, George…we’ve all gotten these really weird visions. Portents. Have you?”

She sighed and closed her eyes in defeat. “I vomited up a seaweed wreath yesterday morning.”

“I would say that qualifies.” He said lightly.

“When I went to look for it later, it had turned to sand. Are you saying the Aglaeca did that?” She hadn’t believed in the supernatural before Tiffany Hudson’s murder, but she wholeheartedly believed in it now.

“Yeah.” Ace hesitated. “Apparently, it’s like a bloodhound. And because the Aglaeca responded to your call for Lucy’s bones, you’re acting as its gateway.”

“What, Ace? What aren’t you telling me?” Nancy knew her boyfriend well, and he was holding something back from her.

“Uh…well, that also means you’re the one that’s capable of stopping it.”

“You don’t sound hopeful about that.” Her heart lurched in sudden anxiety. “Do you not trust me to do it?”

“No!” He said quickly before correcting himself. “I mean, yes. Obviously, I trust you. It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

It was his turn to sigh. “Well, George’s mom says that you can throw it off your trail by mixing your blood with somebody else’s. Disguising yourself so that, you know, the curse can’t find you, because if it can’t find you, it can’t find any of us.

“Uh, but…the ritual has to be done with a relative. Your blood relative.”

There was the catch and the reason for his earlier hesitation. “Well, that’s a problem, because…you saw the test results last night. My closest relative is not my blood relative.”

“But Ryan Hudson is.” He sighed again. “Listen, I know that poses certain challenges, and don’t worry. You know your secret is safe with me. But…”

“I, uh…” She started walking again and let the gears in her head turn. “I think I have a plan.”

“Nancy, babe, what are you going to do?” His voice held concern again, but also admiration.

He constantly made sure she knew how in awe he was at her detective skills and her ability to make the best of even the worst situations.

“I’ll meet you guys at Bess’ aunt’s party, okay?”

“Can you at least tell me the plan?” Ace was quick with his words, knowing full well that she could hang up at any moment.

“I have to talk to my father.”

…

Ryan crouched on the ground, frozen in place as he looked at the papers scattered in front of him. He’d been up nearly all night searching for any clue as to why Lucy hadn’t talked to him before taking her own life.

Then he’d picked up on the clues she’d written in her journal, and his mind had stopped.

Stroking his finger over Lucy’s baby picture he’d found in her yearbook, he allowed his mind to wander to every what-if scenario that came at him

What if Lucy had been pregnant? Were either of them ready to be parents at eighteen?

What if she’d told him about the baby? Would it have made a difference?

What if she’d lived? Could they have raised their baby together?

What if his parents found out? Is that why they threatened her?

Ryan was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed his front door opening and whipped his head up to make sure it wasn’t either of the elder Hudsons coming in. He couldn’t have them knowing what he knew—they could react any number of ways. If he did have a child out there, he didn’t want them anywhere near his parents.

Then he caught sight of Nancy and sighed. “What, did you break-in? Figured you and your dad would be celebrating by now.”

Nancy remembered how Ryan had thanked them after the hearing had adjourned. He’d been upset by everything that happened but also grateful that they’d found out the truth of what happened with Lucy.

She felt horrible for having to go back on those things and hurt him again.

She wondered how she was supposed to once again break the heart of this man who had been through so much. He was only thirty-two and had lost the love of his life and his wife. Now, after twenty-four hours of thinking he knew exactly what had happened, Nancy was supposed to add more to his plate? It was causing her heart rate to spike, and she knew a panic attack was coming.

She saw the hopeful look in his eye and couldn’t do it. She wasn’t going to be the one to deal another blow to his fragile mental health.

“I need your help.”

“Uh, sorry, I can’t today. I have to get over to the free clinic in Trenton.” He was still crouched on the ground as he spoke.

Her face scrunched in confusion, and something shifted in his brain that he couldn’t quite place.

“Don’t you have rich people health insurance?” She questioned him as she moved over to the counter.

He rolled his eyes at her teenage sarcasm. “It’s not for me, okay? I’m trying to get answers on Lucy. The court clerk gave me a copy of her journal.”

Her already accelerated heart rate sped up as she turned to him. “Why?”

“Why?” He sounded appalled by the question and stood. “Because my dad threatened her! I wanted to make sure he wasn’t being physically violent. I didn’t see anything in her journal about that, but I did find some other helpful things.”

Every time he spoke, he made her anxiety worse, not that he was aware of it. “Like what?”

“I mean, you’re still young, so I don’t want to read some of it to you, but in early spring of 2000, she was writing stuff that makes me think….” He trailed off, unsure if he should tell her what he found.

She was only fourteen, after all. He didn’t know what she knew or if she was even comfortable with the subject.

“Go on.” She looked at the back of the papers in his hand, not being able to meet his eye. “I’m not a child.”

Ryan sighed. “I think she might have been pregnant.”

Nancy fought to keep the gray from edging into her eyesight as she swallowed down the rising panic within her. She knew if she didn’t give into the feelings soon, or at least do some techniques that she’d been taught, she’d pass out or worse. But she didn’t want to give away her secret to him just yet—if ever—so she shook her head.

“And you think the baby was yours?”

He scoffed. “Of course, it would have been mine! Lucy and I were…dating…around New Year’s, and so yeah. Mine.”

“You mean you were sleeping together around then.” She corrected for him and rolled her eyes at the shocked and slightly horrified look on his face. “Oh, stop that. I’m in high school now. I know these things.”

Then she caught the new look on his face and froze. He no longer looked shocked or horrified by her words but stared at her as if he was looking right through her. She felt her throat tighten and took a step back.

Ryan stared at her as if he was seeing her for the first time. Whatever had shifted in his head minutes earlier when she’d scrunched her face had returned the moment she rolled her eyes at him, and all the puzzle pieces had come together.

Both of those faces were exact replicas of his and Lucy’s expressions respectfully, and suddenly he was seeing what he hadn’t through their entire “working” relationship.

Besides the fact that Lucy had been haunting both of them, the young detective had told him she was allergic to wasps’ stings, and so was he. In addition to that, he remembered seeing her bite her lip when she was nervous, a trait that Lucy had right up until the day she died.

Then there were her looks. Her blonde hair may have been turning redder every day, but it was undoubtedly Lucy’s, as were her blue eyes his. She was the perfect combination of them, and he knew the truth in his heart.

Lucy had been pregnant. And Nancy was their daughter.

Then his surroundings came back to him, and he saw how she looked at that moment.

Her usually snarky yet confident expression had turned to fear, eyes wide and pale skin merging together to make her look gaunt. Ryan saw her throat moving quickly and knew she was trying to either swallow down tears or suck in air. Her hand, which now gripped the papers he’d handed her, shook enough to be visible, and she looked utterly exhausted.

He knew a panic attack when he saw one and knew that she also knew the truth.

Not wanting to push her, he told himself he wouldn’t bring it up to her. But, still, he had to make sure she was okay. The last thing he wanted was for her to be hospitalized because she was panicking over this added thing in her life.

“Nancy?” He kept his voice even, though he could hear the worry in it. “Are you okay?”

As he said the words in the same way Ace had said earlier, she told her brain that it was her boyfriend’s voice she was hearing and forced herself to relax. “I…”

“Can I get you some water?” Ryan moved away from her, walking to the sink. “You look pale.”

“Yeah, I, uh…didn’t get any sleep last night.” She forced herself to take some deep breaths while his back was turned and felt a bit more stable when he brought her the glass. “Counteroffer…I’ll help you find out if Lucy was pregnant if you do me a favor after.”

He’d do anything she asked of him, he realized, even if it meant doing her favors or playing along with something she clearly didn’t know he knew. “Deal. Do you need to call your dad?”

He saw the way she cringed at the word ‘dad’ and confirmed his theory that she wasn’t doing as well with the news as he was.

“Uh, nope. I’m good. He’s probably at work anyway.”

He didn’t call her out on the lie, instead holding the front door open to follow her to his car. He’d find out more about that situation later.

…

She’d lied to him. She’d looked him right in the face and lied to him.

They’d taken the trip to Trenton, and acting like a spoiled, entitled rich guy had made Ryan realize just how shitty of a person he probably was in everyone’s eyes. After Nancy had insisted on speaking to the doctor herself, he stood in the waiting room and thought about it.

He knew that he was different from everyone else in Horseshoe Bay, but until he was pretending to threaten to shut down the clinic, he had never realized how those people might see him. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that you had been an asshole for thirty-two years of your life, but Ryan had decided at that moment there wouldn’t be another.

He was going to change for Nancy, even if she never knew it was for her. He never wanted to see the look on her face as he had when she’d shut him up or told him a flat-out lie after leaving the clinic.

Sitting in the driver’s seat of his car, he thought about the story she’d spun for him, telling him that Lucy had been pregnant but had died with her child still inside her womb. He had done the math and had figured out that Nancy had been born weeks earlier than her due date, and she must have too.

Her knowledge of life and her ability to spin a tale baffled him.

“So, are you going to like…tell me why we’re going to Diana Marvin’s house?” He questioned, not wanting to sit in silence any more than they had.

Nancy huffed. “It’s Bess and her cousin Owen’s house, too.”

Owen Marvin was quite unlike the rest of his family. Being their age and having so few family members that were, he sometimes joined Bess at The Claw during her shift to hang out with their group. Of course, they all knew that he primarily came to flirt with Nancy but had been sweet enough to stop once her relationship with Ace had come out.

“I know, but still. You know that I’m like persona non grata, so you want to tell me what this favor is or what?”

“Yeah, in a minute. Can I ask you something?” Nancy had shifted her head lazily on the headrest so that she could look at him.

She still looked slightly pale, something the doctor had also noticed when they walked in, but her breathing seemed to be better, and she looked less like crying.

“Yeah, sure.”

She opened and closed her mouth only once before speaking. “What would it have meant, if-if you’d had the…the baby? Do you think you were ready to be a dad at eighteen?”

He should have known this question was coming. Even so, he answered honestly as he figured she’d be able to tell if he was lying. Besides, she looked too vulnerable as she stared at him.

“At eighteen? No…” He chuckled slightly. “No, hell no. A kid like me, I was dumb and spoiled, and I had horrible parental role models, as you know, so no. That would have been a disaster.”

He thought of his parents again and internally cringed, promising himself he’d do everything in his power to keep them away from Nancy.

“Do you think…do you think that you would have tried to…?” He saw her tuck a strand of hair out of the corner of his eye before she froze and started pulling at her hair. “Oh my God.”

“Hey, you okay?” He glanced at her now, then nearly hit the breaks as she started choking. “Hey. Hey, h-hold on.”

He swerved dangerously to the side of the road and brought the car to a park. Nancy was throwing herself out of the car the second they were stopped, and he followed her actions, panic welling up inside of him.

He wasn’t sure if she was having a panic attack again, but it looked different than it had before back at his house. When he finally got around to her side of the car, she was breathing again. He reached her side the second she slammed the door shut and watched in confusion as she stared at her reflection in the tinted windows.

“Hey, what…what, are you having a panic attack?” He knew he wasn’t supposed to ask, but it scared him.

Then he saw her look at her hand and the pile of sand that sat in it that had definitely not been there a moment prior. “No, no, uh…it was a portent.”

“A portent?” How did she even know what that word meant? He sure didn’t at fourteen. “What, you mean from Lucy?”

“No. From something completely different.” She looked scared now, but differently from before.

This had nothing to do with their familial relationship, and that seemed to worry him even more. He wondered if her whole life would worry him, as she seemed always to be ingrained in some dangerous happenstance.

“This is the favor that I had to ask you, actually.” She sounded upset, tears threatening to fall. “A few days ago, I did something unusual to get the evidence to exonerate my…to exonerate Carson. Uh, my friends and I did this ritual to call to this sea spirit.”

He was completely confused but tried to keep up. “Sea spirit. Like…like dolphins?”

She shook her head as she sat on the ledge overlooking the sea. “Stay with me. It’s a local legend. Uh, and it worked. The Aglaeca answered my call. But the problem is…is I couldn’t hold up my end of the bargain.

“The…the Aglaeca wanted Owen Marvin’s blood. All of it. So we couldn’t go through with it, and now we triggered this, uh, curse, and I have to fix it. And in order to do that, I need to do another ritual to make sure that the spirit doesn’t lock onto its target, and…and that’s where you come in.”

She hated having to get someone else involved, but she was desperate for anything that might save the lives of her and her friends.

Though he wanted to wrap his arms around her and whisk her away to be somewhere safe from all this nonsense, he knew that wouldn’t solve anything. He’d seen enough of Lucy’s ghost to know that supernatural creatures existed, and if his daughter was tangled up with one, he couldn’t let her down.

“Why me?” He was genuinely curious and hoped it didn’t come off as a refusal. “I mean, unless this Aglaeca takes cash, then I’m….”

“It’s not about your money this time, Ryan.” She snapped at him now, and he could see the panic setting back in. “It’s about you specifically, because….”

He froze, watching her face carefully, and wondered if this was the moment she would reveal that she knew she was his daughter.

Then he watched as she hesitated and shook her head. “It’s a long story, uh, and one of which you don’t need to know all the details. But if you just come with me….”

He nodded immediately. “Yeah, no, of course. I mean, it sounds urgent.”

They stared at each other for a second, and he watched as Nancy tried to blink away the tears that had pooled in her eyes. He felt his resolve breaking before taking a deep breath and deciding to take a leap of faith.

“Do you need me because I’m your father?”

Part 2

[sophieebdaily]

Sophie shared part of her biography, Spinning Plates, on Daily Mail. Read Sophie’s words:

As a teenager, I thought I’d be famous. Cringey to write, but true. I’d even practised my autograph on my friends’ school exercise books.

I was confident I’d never have to write my own life story, and that Madonna had the right idea: have books written about you, but don’t write them yourself. Well, I’m not Madonna, and I’m not that famous. So here it is. My story, told by me.

I was born on April 10, 1979, to a 25-year-old dad, Robin Bextor, a journalist and TV producer, and 23-year-old Janet Ellis, an actress and TV presenter. I don’t really have any memories of my parents happy together, as their marriage fell apart when I was four.

Mum was a Blue Peter presenter by then, and Dad had started directing That’s Life, a big Saturday night TV show starring Esther Rantzen. By the time I was five, their divorce was official.

They lived a few minutes’ walk from each other in West London. Mum and I were in a little flat on the same road as my school, and Dad was in our old home. I found it hard to go from house to house.

Originally they split their time with me 50-50, but after a while it changed to me being with Mum most of the time and Dad every other weekend.

Every memory I have of anything related to custody invokes feelings of guilt and stress. School holidays were split between them equally, but when there was an odd number of nights, arguments ensued about who would have me for that extra night.

I know it is the mark of loving parents that they wanted me with them, but I felt incredible pressure not to upset them by showing any preference. I didn’t want either parent unhappy, so I would hide how I felt and say what I thought they wanted to hear.

I used to wish I had a sibling so that another human could experience what I was going through. But out of one unhappy marriage I got two happy ones, so I’m glad they found my step-parents, John and Polly.

I honestly feel I’ve been raised by four people, not two, and strange as it may sound, I can see bits of all four of them reflected in me sometimes. Nature and nurture all at once.

By the age of 19 I was no longer an only child, but the oldest of six: three sisters and two brothers. That’s quite the leap from those early years on my own. My youngest siblings were only six and seven when I had my first baby at 23, so they are close in age.

I love the fact my family ended up so big and sprawling. I like having so much going on. Good job the tattoo on my arm just says ‘Family’ and not the names of those within it – the list would be down to my wrist by now.

For me, family is everything. I now have five sons of my own – five small humans to nurture and nourish to adulthood.

If I were to list the way my priorities have shifted over the years into a chart rundown it would go something like this:

In at No 1 – thinking about the kids!

Down 30 places – being cool.

Up five – being kind.

Down 10 – any kind of toxic relationship.

Down 50 – time for myself. That’s parenthood!

I wasn't sure whether I was going to include this bit, but this is my platform to write about whatever I want and the things that have shaped me.

This is one of those dark and murky events in my life which I haven’t told many people about, but I owe it myself to put it out there, so here goes.

I definitely bear the scars from my first experiences with men and sex. When I was a teenager I knew I fancied boys, but I seemed far behind my friends.

At 15, I felt inexperienced and prudish, while they all seemed to be getting off with boys every weekend and quite a few had lost their virginity.

By the time I was 16 I had snogged only a couple of boys and had never had a boyfriend.

But it was around then I started going to a local indie club in the hope of getting my musical career off the ground. I was already deciding that life as a singer was for me.

Through the club nights there, I met girls outside school, including two sisters who seemed worldly, experienced and well connected. Here was my chance to shake off my Enid Blyton persona.

They didn’t see me as a prude, but they did see me as a bit of a project.

‘Have a one-night stand,’ they said. ‘It’s easy. You just bring a man home with you and then sleep with him.’

This seemed so grown-up to me. I’d read in magazines about one-night stands. Clearly, being a grown woman meant being able to do this.

Not too long after, when I was 17, I was out at a gig with a group of friends, including the sisters.

By now I was in my first band, theaudience, and although we hadn’t yet done a gig – we had just recorded demos and rehearsed – I was so happy to be hanging out with fellow musicians.

At the after-show party, I found myself talking to an older man who was in a band. He was their guitarist and he seemed to like me. I felt flattered.

I mentioned I was doing A-level history and he said: ‘I did history. Would you like to come back to my flat and see my history books?’ Probably the lamest chat-up line in the world, but I went in a taxi with him back to his flat.

Let’s call him Jim, shall we? Once back at the flat, Jim actually did show me his history books. I found myself putting one about Napoleon III in my bag. I kept it for a while afterwards, but seeing it always made me feel sad and used.

You see, Jim and I started kissing and before I knew it we were on his bed and he took off my knickers. I heard myself saying ‘No’ and ‘I don’t want to’, but it didn’t make any difference.

He didn’t listen to me and he had sex with me and I felt so ashamed. It was how I lost my virginity and I felt stupid.

I remember staring at Jim’s bookcases and thinking: I just have to let this happen now.

After it was over, I lay on the bed feeling odd, trying to process what had just happened. He fell asleep and I slept, too, not really knowing how to get myself home in the middle of the night.

I woke up after a short while and I can remember angrily picking up my clothes from the floor while saying to myself, ‘I said “No” ’. I went and sat in his kitchen, watching TV, feeling dazed.

After a while, Jim came into the room. ‘Oh, I didn’t think you’d still be here,’ he said. Again, I felt stupid. I didn’t know I was supposed to have left. I didn’t know I was supposed to just go afterwards.

On the way home I wondered if everyone else on the Tube could tell what had happened to me. I felt grubby, but also unsure about my own feelings as I had no other experience to compare it with.

At the time, the way rape was talked about wasn’t to do with consent – it was something you associated with aggression. But no one had pinned me down or shouted at me to make me comply, so why should I feel so violated?

I have thought so much about why I wanted to write about this. My life is happy now and I would not say that I felt overly traumatised at the time, and yet I feel as if the culture that surrounded me – the things I saw and read and the way sex was discussed – made me believe I didn’t have a case.

My experience was not violent. All that happened was I wasn’t listened to. Of the two people there, one said yes, the other said no, and the yes person did it anyway.

The older I’ve become, the more stark that 29-year-old man ignoring 17-year-old me has seemed.

I think it’s telling that when I came to write this book, this story was the one I wrote first. By going back to that room and to that time when I felt I didn’t have a voice, I can now give myself that voice.

I am not interested in naming and shaming the guy involved – I’ve Googled him and he seems to be happily going about his business and is in what looks like a happy long-term relationship. But I do want to encourage anyone to realise where the line between right and wrong lies.

I’m a mother of five young men now, and I introduce the concept of consent pretty early.

I want to raise considerate, kind people who can take other people’s feelings into account. I want them to actively want the other person to be happy, too, rather than just stopping because they have to.

I never saw Jim again, but a friend bumped into him and, when my name came up, he said we’d dated. We never dated. He didn’t even want to see me. He definitely didn’t want to listen to me.

I’ve asked myself why it’s important to write about these experiences. Why go over something that wasn’t very pleasant? Why make it public?

But I think if you experience something you know is wrong, then being brave and honest about it helps, and if anyone else has been through something similar, it might help us all talk about it.

But that’s not all. It’s also because I was silent about it for so long. It started to feel like I’m being complicit. I wasn’t heard when I was 17, but I think I’ll be heard now.

Looking back, I believe I had my first panic attack while filming a TV show. The anxious feeling had been brewing for a while, waiting for the right moment to tip me over the edge. It was December 2001 and my song Murder On The Dancefloor was about to be released.

I remember arriving at the TV studio and a colleague excitedly showing me my diary, which was completely packed for weeks. I couldn’t share her enthusiasm, but nodded my head and then walked on to the set in a bit of a daze.

I was starting to feel anxious and claustrophobic. As the sound man put on my radio mic, I started to feel more and more shaky, but I couldn’t leave the set. I couldn’t find any legitimate way of escaping.

I can’t remember all the guests but one was Jay Kay from Jamiroquai and DJ Jo Whiley was the host. Everything seemed hyper-real and I couldn’t work out if people were talking too fast or I was talking too slow.

I said: ‘Sorry, I’ve just got to go to the loo.’ I ended up on the street outside where I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself.

To his credit, my manager told me I could just leave if I wanted to. But I was able to get back in and finish the filming. And afterwards I felt elated.

As anyone who has had a panic attack knows, the only upside of the nightmarish ‘am I actually going mad?’ midst of the attack itself is that once it subsides it can give way to an almost euphoric high.

After that, panic attacks became regular visitors in my life. After a month or two of these episodes, it was my mother who diagnosed me. She said she’d read an article about panic attacks and thought that was probably what was going on with me.

But what to do about it? The triggers seemed to be any situation I felt I couldn’t walk away from without being conspicuous.

Tube carriages when the train suddenly stopped in a tunnel caused immediate panic. This paranoia increased the panic and I’d be sent spiralling into a shortness of breath, the craziness in my head and an inability to get a proper grasp on the passing of time.

Other panic-inducing situations included things such as meetings with my record label, where we’d sit in a boardroom with the door shut.

But the biggest and baddest of these situations was live TV.

Eventually I thought to myself: Enough, I need to sort this out.

The most popular route to help with panic attacks seemed to be hypnotherapy. This was the first therapy I’d ever tried – for anything – and I was a bit wary.

The initial session – with a very well-meaning practitioner – did nothing for me. She put on calming music and told me to lie still and relax, which sent me straight into the beginnings of an attack.

After that, a friend told me about someone who had been treated by the hypnotist Paul McKenna.

He’d become a regular fixture on TV and claimed he could change your life. I wasn’t sure whether he could really help me but I got in touch and trotted along to his place in Kensington, West London.

We spoke about the triggers of my anxiety and about other situations when I’d felt that way.

He said to imagine that I was standing in a room, and in the corner there was a television with a black-and-white image on it. The image should be an image of me from when I first remembered feeling out of control.

I thought back to when I was little and my mum and dad had split up, and all the fights over where I would spend the time, especially when there was an uneven number of nights to be shared.

The image I saw was me standing there at around the age of six while my stepmum explained how Dad was feeling about not seeing me as much as he’d like to.

While she spoke, I felt incredibly guilty and out of control.

The pressure was too much and I didn’t want to hurt anyone or upset anyone. I simply didn’t know what to do.

Paul listened and told me to get closer to the screen and then let the image turn from black-and-white to colour.

‘Now step inside the image. Climb into the scene and speak to that little version of yourself. Tell her you’re now an adult, that it’s OK she didn’t know what to do, and that you’ve grown into a happy grown-up so she doesn’t need to worry. It’s all going to be OK, and you can tell her that.’

I did what he said and shortly afterwards I walked out of Paul’s house in a daze.

I had been completely awake and aware throughout the session, but boy, was it powerful. For the next two or three days I could remember so many details from the time I was around the age of six or seven – things I had long forgotten, sights and smells. It was bizarre, but it really worked.

Since that time I’ve had the inklings of a panic attack – the occasional little tug – but never again has it bloomed into a full-blown thing. Whatever Paul said to me that day, in just one session, was incredibly effective in giving the power back to me. I’m so grateful to him. Especially amazing was the fact that he never charged me. He told me to make a contribution to charity, instead, which I did of course.

Pretty cool, that.

Lockdown woes and the joy of our Kitchen Disco

When lockdown first started, my husband Richard and I felt like most people. A bit freaked out, stressed by the heaviness of the news, discombobulated by the tilt our world was now on.

We’d started 2020 with a very full diary of gigs and overnight they were gone. Not only that, but our kids were suddenly off school and they were unnerved, too.

Meanwhile, online there were so many talented musicians performing songs, accompanying themselves on piano or guitar and sounding lovely. I had such a strong urge to do something fun and creative that we too could put out there.

Richard suggested we do a live gig on Instagram – the easiest platform without needing complicated streaming rights in order to transmit music live.

The first gig we streamed was pretty ridiculous. I put on a sparkly catsuit and I kept having to warn Richard, who was filming it, when he was about to walk backwards on to our crawling baby, who was only 14-months-old at the time.

I did my thing and shimmied about and embraced the absurdity, as did Richard, who joined me wearing an animal mask and playing on his Millennium Falcon bass (he’s the bass player in rock band The Feeling).

Afterwards, we wondered what the hell we’d just done. We’d always been pretty private about our home and we’d never put the kids’ faces out into the world, but in the midst of the pandemic and the whole world gone wonky, none of that felt important or relevant any more.

The desire to connect with folk, have some fun, alleviate some tension and distract ourselves won out.

Still, I was genuinely expecting a lot of ridicule. I was a 40-year-old woman in full sparkle singing pop songs surrounded by her offspring. I assumed people would make fun of me. But they didn’t.

I think the intensity of the news meant daftness was in short supply. Plus, who doesn’t love to dance around to let some of the stress go?

Also, the cartoony strangeness of the sequins and the sprogs was like a caricature of what so many people had been experiencing.

Music has always been our family’s way of flipping the script – to celebrate or dance about and be silly, to shake off tension or to make each other laugh. It doesn’t always work – I’m pretty sure all my kids will leave home relieved they won’t hear me singing around the house any more – but when it’s good, it’s great.

One friend said that when she saw our Kitchen Discos that I looked the happiest she’d ever seen me. Lockdown was downright awful sometimes and I shouted/raged/resented more than normal, but the discos have been pure joy and I hope the kids will look back on them fondly.

Strange times. But I have felt such enormous affection for all who’ve been over to our house, virtually. What a lovely community of dancing people.

I’m proud to be part of the party and it has reminded me yet again of the importance of joy for joy’s sake, and silliness and music as a tonic for the soul.

© Sophie Ellis-Bextor, 2021

Spinning Plates, the book, is out on October 7th. Click here to pre-order a copy.

[zankivich]

The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 9

WARNINGS: smut, choking/breath play

*Shawn’s point of view*

Working with Niall was slowly getting him through the days. He was actually cool and funny as all hell. He recognized his record deal for what it was, and he was willing to make the system work for him without utterly changing who he was. It helped that he was talented and that he wanted to make the kind of music that Shawn was interested in as well. So with a little begging, and a lot of assurance that his dad would stop getting calls about him being a dickhead to everyone, Shawn was finally allowed to work exclusively with Niall. At least for the time being.

The two got close, the way that tends to happen when you’re in a studio with someone for sometimes eight to ten hours singing songs about the most intimate parts of who you are. Everyone else might have a different vision of Shawn, but Niall seemed to understand him for who he was. And the day the producer takes lunch and the two stay back for Niall to work on melodies, is the day their friendship solidifies even further.

He was sitting on one of the couches, still in his slacks and dress shirt, with a guitar riff in his head that wouldn’t quit. Without the producer there to rat him out, he thought there might not be any harm in playing around for a little bit. So, he picked up the guitar and began to play.

“Every time I see you baby I get lost, If I’m dreaming baby please don’t wake me up”

His fingers tap out the melody on the guitar, and he’s playing with it and tweaking it to his liking. He sings it again but in falsetto and it just sort of clicks. It’s good.

“Oiy, what the hell was that Mendes?!” Niall asked turning completely around in his chair.

He raised an eyebrow in Niall’s direction. “That was an A minor.”

“Not the fuckin’ notes, ya pipsqueak! That line. That melody. Where’d the hell you get that from?”

“Oh. I wrote it.”

“Are you kidding me? You write?”

Shawn nodded. “For myself. Not really for anyone else.”

“Doesn’t fucking matter does it? Let’s see some more of it!”

He grabs a guitar plops down on the couch beside him. They play together and sing together and write together. And Shawn couldn’t even have begun to explain how it made him feel. Like his whole world was brighter, and the walls weren’t so suffocating. He loved the concept of creating more than anything in the world. Writing and singing and playing were all that he had. And to finally get the opportunity to do something with them made him feel like he was on top of the fucking world. Before he knows it, not even twenty minutes later, he’s got a whole song. Something they created together. He couldn’t hide the happiness even if he tried.

“Holy shit, man. That--That’s incredible!” He gushed fingers tracing the words he’d scribbled down on the page.

Niall nodded. “Can’t believe you been holding out on me man! And to think you’re sitting here as handsome as you are not releasing that shit into the world. Your ole man must be crazy not to try and market you. I even want to fangirl a little bit over you.”

Shawn chuckled softly letting his fingers rest against his guitar again.

“If you knew my dad you’d understand. Trust me.”

“Whatever you say, Mendes. Shall we play it again?”

He shrugged. “Why the hell not?”

***

He goes over to her house on a Saturday afternoon. They’re supposed to be going out to lunch, and spending the day together. She begged him to bring his guitar and so he did, knocking gently on her apartment door with his case kept firm to his side just in case she got hurt. (yes his guitar is a she). When y/n opens the door wearing a sweatshirt of his that had gone missing a few weeks back, and shorts that leave little to the imagination, he’s not sure what she has planned for him but it surely must be better than some stupid lunch.

“Hi.” He murmured softly already pulling her into his arms.

She leans up on the tips of her toes and kisses him like she means it. Her fingers grip his chin and her tongue traces his mouth in a way that just might kill him. He’d welcome it if it meant it came from her.

“Mmm,” She hummed. “Hi. Come in.”

“We not going to lunch anymore?” He asked placing his guitar case against her sofa.

“Nope! We’re cooking instead.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. If my momma ever saw the state of your kitchen, she’d laugh and then slap you, and then laugh some more.”

“Babe, I don’t cook. Some of us have some talents, and some of us have others.” He whined, following her into the kitchen.

Y/n rolled her eyes. “Boy, how would you even know you can’t cook when the only thing in your kitchen is some leftovers and two year old ketchup? Now go wash your hands. We’re eating in today.”

Clearly his afternoon was not coming with an option, and so he headed for her sink to wash his hands. He hung his jacket on the hook next to hers and met her at the kitchen counter where a whole ass chicken was sitting waiting to be butchered. He’d never felt so inexperienced in his whole life. He thought this must be what people who weren’t good at sex felt like.

“Fried chicken?” He asked poking awkwardly at the skin.

She snorted. “Is that what you think we’re finna make? You date one Black girl and all of a sudden you think it’s popeyes and grits every day huh?!”

“I--I didn’t...I just thought that--You know what I’m just gonna stop talking now.”

“That is probably in your best interest love.” She giggled swatting him on the ass. “Now, come watch mama teach you how to butterfly.”

He learns something new that day, though it might not have been quite the message she was going for. He learns that she looks sexy as all hell with a kitchen knife in her hand. What that meant about how fucked up his brain was, the world may neer know, but it was hot regardless. The second he moves behind her to gently wrap his hands around her waist she points her knife in his direction, and it gets a little less sexy.

“Can you and your dick try and focus for two minutes please?” She asked waving it around playfully

He whined again. “We were focusing. Quite hard, I might add.”

“Please?” She asked softly, her eyes wide and sincere at him. “Just please?”

He leaned down slowly to kiss her forehead and her nose in apology.

“I’m sorry. I’m here, I promise. Teach me how to butterfly.”

Turns out “to butterfly” means to cut the spine out of the chicken and lay it forward kind of like a butterfly, keeping it almost cut in half but instead in one long, big piece. She then takes softened butter and rubs it on the inside of the chicken, between the skin. She sticks thyme in between and rubs the outside of the skin with butter too. There’s salt and pepper and lemon and she lies it on a rack to go in the oven. It’s when she tucks the wings underneath the thighs to protect them from burning that he realizes this is her thing, not just a thing.

“You cook a lot, aye?” He asked, trying to keep up with her as she let him rub butter on the other side of the chicken.

She shook her head. “Not as much as I would like. I grew up in the kitchen with my mom. She’d been a cook her whole life. I don’t really have time for stuff like this no more though. It’s special to me. Means something.”

And she wanted to share it with him of all people. He makes special notice to pay a lot more attention from there on out.

The chicken goes into the oven and she puts on water to boil for the potatoes and some pancetta for her collard greens.

“This is how we upgrade a black staple,” She giggled. “We render out all of this fat on the pancetta, which is really just a more flavorful bacon and that’s gonna make the greens taste amazing. It’s also great because we’re really just gonna set them and forget them for about an hour and a half. By the time the greens are done so will our chicken. It’s perfect.”

There’s a different level of happiness to her when she’s cooking. She sets up a playlist to a speaker in the kitchen. Her hips move as she cooks, and she stops every now and again to kiss him until he forgets his own name. And she doesn’t even care when he fucks something us. She just laughs and fixes it and shows him how to do it correctly. He never knew cooking could be fun because of her. But it was never gonna matter if he was good at it or not. Because as long as he was with her, everything seemed to be alright.

“Hey,” He mumbled trapping her slightly against the counter top.

Her fingers ran up the length of his arms, and his body practically shook in response.

“What?” She purred, letting her arms come up to wrap around the back of his neck.

“I’m glad we stayed in today.” He admitted. “I think I love cooking with you.”

“Forreal?” She smiled.

His heart squeezed in his chest.

“Forreal. Thank you for showing me.”

“Anytime.”

“Yea? I might take you up on that.”

“I hope so.” She grinned.

He kisses her, just like that, pressed against her counter until the timer for the potatoes goes off. If the way that she smiled was his favorite part about cooking, his second was distracting her. He likes it better that way.

Lunch is...like really fucking good. Like he cleans his plate and goes back for more and completely ignores the grin on her face when he does it. His mum certainly wasn’t making collard greens in england nor Canada, but he had half a mind to call her up and ask why the hell not. It’s the best meal he’s ever had, he thinks. And the way she asks him about his week and his job while they eat and drink wine together is just sort of the topping on a very amazing pie. It’s the best time he’s had in months. And it isn’t lost on him that a huge part of that is just her presence.

When he’s full and slightly tipsy, she pulls him to her couch and makes him get out his guitar. He’s not drunk enough to tell her about all the songs that he’s written about her since they met. (especially not the track where he’d channeled his inner 2007 Sexy-back Timberlake. Who the fuck did he think he was?) But he’s just tipsy enough to let his fingers pluck out notes on the guitar that were for her upon inception. He’s just tipsy enough to get lost in her eyes while she drinks wine and tucks her legs beneath his hoodie. He’s just sober enough to be completely and totally honest with her when she asks him.

“You never said,” She murmured, her sock covered toes sneaking out to tap at his thigh. “You never said you played, or that you made music. How come?”

He starts to play My Girl, a comfort song from his childhood. It makes him a little less anxious when he stares at her.

“I didn’t want you to ask questions.” He admitted.

“Why not?”

“Think about it. What’s the one thing you wanna ask me now that you know? The one thing that’s confusing you?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I guess I’m wondering why...you sound the way that you do, and you--you look the way that you do, and your dad is the number one music exec in the world, but you’re doing a job for him that you hate.”

“Bingo.” He muttered.

Her eyes grew soft and she chanced placing her palm on his knee.

“You don’t have to tell me. I don’t wanna know to be nosy. I wanna know cause you’re important.”

His fingers aren’t even moving on the guitar anymore. And how could they after that? He places the guitar against the arm of the couch, and opens his arms for her to climb into. It helps when she’s between his legs, when his arms are wrapped around her and her head is pressed into his shoulder. It makes him feel stronger than he really is.

“My dad...he’s not a good guy.”

She squeezed at his fingers around her own. “I know that. What did he do?”

“I fell in love. With music, I mean. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at. And he supported me at first. He--He let me record and he let me train to get better and better. I used to spend every single day after school in the studio watching others create, learning, and trying to become that… I was like eleven when I told my dad how to do something better than he would’ve done it. And I’ve been on his bad side ever since.”

She peers up at him with kind, sad eyes because it must be clicking for her already.

“He didn’t like you being able to be good without him.” She murmured.

He shook his head. “I started to write. And they were...pretty good. By the time I was fourteen or fifteen I had a collection of stuff. I thought that maybe my dad could do for me, what he did for everyone else. And I asked him, you know, if I could put out a record. He said yes, said that he would manage me, and I’d be the biggest star on his whole label. And he...he had me sign a contract.”

“Shit,” She groaned knowing exactly where this was headed.

“Yep. I gave my dad ownership over every piece of music I created until the age of eighteen. He owns all of it. And by the time I realized what he was doing, I must’ve been like sixteen or something, it was too late. So, he never let me release anything. And anything I officially record, anything that’s not just me in my bedroom, it all belongs to him.”

“That--That’s bullshit! That’s complete and utter bullshit. He doesn’t own you. You’re a grown ass man, Shawn. There are ways. There are people we can get you connected to. You can make music just like anyone else.”

She’s fired up now. She turns to face him, instead of lying against his chest. Her fingers are still intertwined with his, and she lifts both of them to touch his cheek. It’s so sweet and good and kind. Everything he thought he might never get to have.

He smiles at her sadly. “I know. But, I wrote about two hundred songs. And so...on my eighteenth birthday he brought me into his office. I was gonna run away, or whatever the rich kid version of that is, start my own life and my own career. He said if I...if I worked for him till I was twenty-five, he’d give me my inheritance and my masters.”

“Shawn…” She sighed.

“I know, hey I know. It sounds crazy, but y/n this is all that I have. That music, it’s all that I am. It means everything to me. I need it okay? So, I’m stuck here for a little while. And I’m gonna be okay with that if it means I get them back in the end.”

“Okay. Okay. I understand. Come here.”

It’s the wildest thing in the world. She’s sat in his lap and and all of a sudden she just wraps herself around him. His head falls to her chest. Her fingers scratch at his scalp. She just holds him. And his heart feels better because of it. He is better because of it. And he never could have seen that coming. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged him so intimately, had helped him so thoroughly in such a small amount of time. He pulled his arms back around her in return and released a breath and maybe an ounce of the burden too.

“I’m sorry your dad is satan.” She cooed softly.

He chuckled sadly into her neck. “Thank you. Me too.”

“We’ll get through it. Somehow. Just let me think for a little while.”

“We?” He asked, voice small.

“Duh. Haven’t you heard? Hell hath no furry like a Black woman. We’ll figure it out.”

Huh.

“Okay.”

She fell back gently against the couch, her legs making way for him to lie between. He nestled his way into her arms and just sort of collapsed. She does this ridiculous thing with her fingers in his hair and he just kind of wants to cry and fall asleep. But it’s cool. It’s totally fine. They lie there so long he’s not sure what time of day it is when he sleepily nuzzles his nose into her belly.

“Y/n?” He mumbled sleepily.

“Yea?”

“This was the best date of my life.”

“Hmmm. Me too.”

***

He liked to bug her when she was on her way to really important meetings. It was usually the only time in the day he got to talk to her on the phone, and it brought him a happiness that somehow managed to get him through his day. Today, he’s listening to the click of her heels as she rushes to finalizes someone’s performance for the VMA’s.

“If I have to look at one more jackass try and tell me how to handle my job, I’m gonna start cutting bitches.” She huffed.

He chuckled. “If the police call, I’ll give you an alibi. Speaking of alibis, you think I could come over tonight?”

“Hmm...you been spending a lot more time at my place since you found out I know how to turn on a stove.”

“It’s not about the stove. It’s about the woman behind it.” He admitted. “I like watching you in your space, in your element. And I like being with you. Is that okay?”

“Yea...that’s okay.” She said, voice soft and pliant now. “Maybe we could watch another one of those movies of yours.”

He clenched painfully at his chest in both horror and somehow fond adoration.

“I still can’t believe you’ve never seen Harry Potter. That is genuinely the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever heard. Our night is settled. Prisoner of Azkaban it is!”

“I’ll watch Prisoner of Azakaban if you do something for me.”  

He rolled his eyes spinning aimlessly at his desk chair. He couldn’t even imagine having to make a deal with someone to get them to watch Harry Potter. What would his mum think if he brought this one home?

“I’m slightly offended at the sentiment but okay.”

“It’s just that there’s something I’ve always wanted to try but I’ve never trusted anyone enough to do it with?” She admitted. “But I think...I mean I want to try.”

At this point he thinks she’s talking about like a fear of rollercoasters or overcoming stage fright or some shit. You know, like an idiot.

“Well whatever it is y/n, I’ll do whatever to make it happen. You know that.”

She paused. “I--I want you to choke me.”

And that’s when he nearly falls out of his desk chair and straight onto the floor. Also like an idiot.

“I--I’m sorry?”

“You know like...like choking Shawn.” She huffed, clearly flustered.

“Yes, yes I know what choking is y/n! I just...you really want that?”

“Well I--I did. But if you’re not down with it then fuck it.” She mumbled.

“No! Shit, no that--that isn’t what I meant. I just wanted to check in and make sure. I’m sorry okay?  I just didn’t expect that to be a thing for you is all. I’m not kink shaming, I promise.” He assured her.

“Okay...well then what are you doing?”

“I’m . . . I’m coming over to my girl’s place tonight for some Harry Potter and consensual choking. Sounds like my kinda night, honestly.”

He could hear her smile over the phone, and it made his chest feel fuller at the thought.

“Are you sure? You’re sure you’re okay with it?”

“Of course. Just want to make sure you’re safe. We can talk about it tonight, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll see you tonight then.”

“Yes you will.”

“Boy, get off my phone.”

***

*y/n’s point of view*

Who knew that the doorbell ringing could cause butterflies in your stomach. Certainly not you. Every day you spent with Shawn was this sort of awe inducing, stomach churning, spell. He was so soft to you. So playful and vulnerable and kind. Still cocky. Still an asshole sometimes. But at least with the good grace to smile apologetically when he did it. Everyone’s a work in progress.

You found yourself running straight home from work to change clothes before he got there, the same that you’d done every other night the last few weeks. Shawn had yet to spend a full night in your apartment and the significance of such a thing weighed heavily on both of you. You might let him fall asleep in the moment, might be so exhausted after sex that you were speechless, but make no mistake that by the time the morning came, he was expected to be out. Staying at Shawn’s was one thing. You knew his space and you knew how to handle yourself. But your home was your home. It was the most sacred space that you had in life. Sharing it did not come easily. But maybe, maybe you could grow a little.

You still weren’t over the smile on his face that came when you opened the door. Still couldn’t escape the way it made you feel when he wrapped his arms around you after a long day as if he’d been counting down the hours until he got to see you, exactly the way you sometimes did. It was wild. Everything about him was wild.

“Hi beautiful.” He hummed.

His fingers melded to the back of your neck and it sends a thrill through your body when he pulls you close like a ragdoll. His lips and his tongue still make you shudder. It’s fine.

“Hi.” You sighed breathlessly against his lips. “Missed you.”

“Yea?”

You nodded softly, hesitantly.

“I missed you too.”

Ugh. Gross.

Shawn only needs to step over the threshold to get a whiff of the chili you’d thrown in the crockpot before heading to work. Your momma’s recipe was nothing to mess with, and you had a feeling he would be coming over so it seemed like the logical thing to do. Shawn’s grin convinced you otherwise.

“What happened to no more cooking for me? I believe you said, and I quote: ‘learn to make your own food honkey, I’m not your maid’.”

You rolled your eyes and sniffed noisily. “Why you always gotta remember shit?”

He chuckled. “I don’t know. Something about the things you say, and the way you look when you say ‘em, makes me never wanna forget.”

You bit your lip and turned to lead him towards the kitchen, so that he couldn’t see the way his words made you want to burst from within your own skin.

“So sappy Mendes.”

Feeding him does something to you. You always loved to cook for people and to take care of others in that way. It was ancestral. Your mother had done it and so had her mother and so had hers. You loved watching people enjoy your food. You loved watching people be full and satisfied. But there’s something about the way that Shawn eats that takes it to a whole other level. The way he grabs a second bowl and a third because he eats enough for a small family. Something about the way he praises you endlessly between each bite. And when he washes the dishes after you’re both done, and let’s you know how amazing you are, it feels like a fair trade off. Like perhaps you can do this for him, if he’s willing to do that for you. It feels more domestic and soft then you care to admit to anyone, even yourself. But, here you are.

It’s when you’re at the kitchen counter opening another bottle of wine, and his nose does that thing where it skims your shoulder and you just melt like a teenager all over again, that he really ropes you in.

“Have you showered yet?” He asked softly.

You shook your head. “Just changed. Wanted to get dinner ready for when you got here.”

“Do you wanna shower with me?” His fingers dragged delicately over your thighs and hips before digging ambitiously into the meat of your ass. You raise up on your toes and stifle a moan. “Before we get into bed?”

“Yes. Yes, please.”

In the shower, his fingers paint whole masterpieces against your skin. Your hair piled high on top of your head to hide from the water, but it didn’t stop him from tracing stands along your neck with his wet thumbs. The way that he looks at you is enough to make you feel completely naked beneath his gaze, like it’s your soul on display and not just your body. When he dips down to lick at your collarbones, to suck whole bruises into your flesh, what are you to do but cry out for him? What was there to do but to submit in every way? It’s the moments in the shower, with no words shared between the two of you--only touches and looks of longing, when you know that you’re all his. That perhaps you had never really had a chance to begin with.

He wraps you in a towel and nuzzles his face, warm and wet against your neck. His hands are still on your hips and he squeezes through the cotton firmly as he looks you in the eye.

“You want me to choke you.” He whispered.

And there’s no reason why just a confirmation of the statement should have your eyes rolling back in your head but here you were. Jesus.

“Y--Yea. Yes, I do.”

“Have you thought about it?” He hummed, his fingers dipping to the edge of the towel by your thighs and easing dangerously beneath the fabric. “What you want it to look like?”

Your eyes are shut.

“Yes, I have.”

“Tell me.” He demanded.

You bit anxiously at your lip, a bit of uncertainty hitting you. It wasn’t necessarily that it was the wildest thing that the two of you had done. But it just might be the most important, at least for you. It was no secret that letting go was the hardest thing in the world for you. In part, that’s what made the initial arrangement with you and Shawn so rewarding. When you could let go, these really amazing things would happen, and not just the orgasm but like the stress that ran out of your body. Letting go meant being vulnerable. It meant giving someone power over you and having nothing but your belief in that person to keep you believing that things would be okay. And so sharing this with Shawn wasn’t just a matter of kink, it was a matter of the ultimate amount of trust you could share with him. It also was kind of hot.

“I want...I want you inside of me. I want you to fuck me like--like I’m the only thing in the world that matters, that my pleasure is the only thing in the world that matters.I want you to take care of me. And then I want you to choke me while I cum. I want you to remind me who gets to make me feel that way. You. I want you.”

You let your eyes flutter open and peer up at him nervously. Nothing could have prepared you for what you would find. His eyes were nearly back they were so blown of stimulation. He stared at you with hunger and with passion and maybe a little love too. It’s so overwhelming that when he picks you up in his arms you don’t even register it until your towel falls to the ground and all that’s left is the feel of his skin against yours.

“My good girl,” He sighed breathlessly, lips skimming the skin he’d sucked on just moments prior. “I’m gonna make you feel good, okay? I promise.”

He twirled you lightly through the air taking your body straight down to the sheets of your bed. His towel joined yours on the floor as he crawled perfectly between your legs. Your fingers melded to the muscles of his chest, getting lost in the chest hair and the feel of his necklace cold against your flushed skin. He’s already semi-hard and you can feel him growing firming against your thigh. When he runs his fingers along your chest, between your breasts, and down along your belly button something turns molten within you. The need becomes insurmountable. Your ache is without end.

“Please. Please Shawn just---please.” You begged.

“Hey,” He whispered pressing closer against you. “I’m right here okay? I’m gonna give you everything.”

And how could you prepare yourself for what that might mean. What was everything in a context in which you wanted all that he was willing to give. What did it mean when it was no longer just fucking, but when everything might include your heart too?

He starts with your neck. It’s the most sensitive part of you and it’s already been touched repeatedly. His lips are gentle and searching moving over the places where his tongue had created welts already. He gets to your breasts, hands firm and warm as they cup your flesh to feed your nipple into his mouth. It’s methodical in nature, and it makes your toes curl. He sucks and kisses and bites and you don’t know what to do with yourself. It feels like an act of worship. It feels like all he could ever offer you.

His head finds its way between your thighs and it’s life changing. He runs the flat of his tongue heavy and firm across your clit, pulling off with a very quick point of his tongue, and then repeating. It makes your stomach tense. His fingers grip and mold to your thighs as he licks deep into you. Just like every other time he touches you, your body is like a pipe well primed. It aches for him, and it gushes with ease. A part of you wishes he had to try harder to get you to cum in the manner that he does, but it’s hard to find time to be embarrassed when he’s chasing your release with swollen, hungry lips. When your body falls back down to the sheets you are already fucked out and dazed.

“God. You have no idea how fucking beautiful you are.” He sighed, leaning on his knees above you, fingers cupping his erection to pull playfully at the flesh. “Are you ready for me?”

You nodded without hesitation, tongue sticking out along your lip when he mentions the beauty that he recognizes within you. He’s often too much, but he’s especially too much right now. When he doesn’t move fast enough for your liking you reach for his hips with your hands and tug him close between your legs. He moves--finally--to hover over you while allowing his fist to lead the head of his dick to bump against your clit. You’re still so wet that every rub against your slit is auditory, feels like it’s ringing out against the walls how much you want him. And you do. God, you do.

"The way you open up for me," he gasped wetly against your shoulder. "baby you're perfect."

"Fuck. I--it feels so good." You huff.

"Gonna make it better. Gonna give it you the best you've ever had."

His hands slot your legs around his back, fingers digging deep into the flesh of your ass for leverage. It is ridiculous how good it feels. You don't even know what to do with how he feels inside of you. His hips are powerful and rugged and he touches you with the precision of a man who has listened to your needs and desires. He pushes into you like is the last thrust over and over again until your body is shaking, until your moans for him turn to sobs, until the sound of his hips tapping your ass speeds out of control and the only thing you're left with is to lose your fucking mind.

"Oh--oh my god! Oh my god, baby!"

Your hips fly off the bed but Shawn couldn’t care less. He’s got himself poised over you, arms on either side of your head and he’s going for it. He’s carving himself into you so deep there’s no way to tell where he begins and where you end. And your body is singing his praises. In fact it’s doing that thing that no one had ever had the audacity to make it to before. It’s fucking bursting from within.

“M’ gonna cum.” You whispered desperately up at him.

His nose tips down to skim against yours as your eyes meet and his lips are parted in bliss and concentration.

“Already?” He gasped, lips tilting slightly up into that cocky ass grin of his.

There’s not even time to tell him to fuck off. Your nails are too busy digging into his shoulder blades.

“M’ gonna cum. I--FUCK!”

There’s a gushing sound that joins the wet slap of your bodies and that’s when the both of you look down at where he’s fucking you to see the way your body manages to squirt around him. It covers your thighs and his and makes his dick glisten with every thrust. You’re fucking gone. You collapse down against the sheets gasping for breath and he hasn’t even slowed down.

“Jesus Christ, y/n.” He groaned pushing in again to come to a stop. “You’re shaking.”

Your arms and legs wrap around him in a vice like grip. You close your eyes and try to steady yourself, but it’s damn near impossible. Every part of you is so sensitive, it feels like you’re on the tip of the waterfall constantly, just waiting to fall in. It’s too much.

“You have got approximately sixty seconds to get me to do that again and choke me at the same time. I think my body might combust.” You panted.

This time he stays up on his knees, body not in such direct contact. It’s probably for the best, as even your skin seems to thrum in this moment like a live wire. The last thing you need from him is more contact. So, of course he slots your legs over his shoulders and fucks you within an inch of your life instead.

There’s a sweaty curl that flops against his forehead on every upward thrust. His large hands gripping your thighs for better leverage don’t quite tame the way that you’re shaking. It’s too good. It’s way too good. You reach for the headboard behind you in desperate search for  a pillow or literally anything to hold onto. Not even five minutes later and you can feel your hips leaving the bed again, your body ready for that combustion you’d been talking about.

“S--Shawn! Shawn, now.”

“Now?”

“Yes, dammit! Now!”

He licked his lips and bent over you, your body contorting along with him as he reached to skim his fingers along your neck. His hips don’t stop moving as his thumb traces your pulse point. In fact he’s still panting with the effort and it’s everything for you to hear.

“Tap me if it hurts. Tap me if you don’t like it. Just--just tap me okay?” He mumbled.

You nodded vigorously. “Okay.”

“Color?”

“GREEN SHAWN.”

He starts to squeeze down peering between your body to keep hitting it like no one ever has before. It is the most ridiculous moment of your life. The more he loses himself in you, the more he squeezes, and your body just lights up immediately. It’s in the way that his arm tenses, hand clenching around your throat. It’s in the way he moans your name against your lips. It’s definitely in the way he grinds against you so tight that your eyes roll back in your head. With every second that you can’t breathe your orgasm pulses in your veins. And as his fingers grip your throat, you watch the vein in his forehead become just as prominent as that curl as he loses himself too.

“Oh my god. I can feel it. I can feel your body fighting for it, baby. Holy fuck, I’m gonna cum.”

Your back arches off the bed and he grunts as he chases his own orgasm inside of you. The second his fingers ease off your throat as your cumming is like an unworldly experience. It leaves you sobbing against the bed completely fucked out of your mind. If you could feel anything besides intense overstimulation you might notice the way your thighs are soaked all the way down to your knees. The tenderness between your lips. The swollen prominence of your nipples. Instead you’ve got nothing left to give.

He pulls out and just barely collapses against you. His pants are wet and warm against your neck, and his fingers are already rubbing at the place where he’d grabbed your neck. No one talks for a while. To do so might ruin the best orgasm you’ve ever had.

“You’re okay?” He whispered. “Are you sure?”

“Yea. I’m okay. I’m so much more than okay.”

You felt his teeth against your collarbone as he smiled. And you can’t help the giddy little giggle that passes through your lips in response.

“Feel good?”

“Felt so fucking good, asshole.” You muttered affectionately.

The worst thing he could possibly do is get out of bed. The second his arms aren’t wrapped around you, the second he's not pressing you firmly into the bed, feels like an attack against your being. You hate it with everything in you.

"Stay." You mumble pulling him closer with your tired limbs.

He chuckled softly. "Mmm just gonna get the towel to clean up with, love."

"I know but...after that, stay okay? Dont leave...just stay here."

His eyes grow wide and then soft. He cups your cheek gently in his hand and moves forward to kiss you silly. His teeth nip at your bottom lip and you don't even have the time to be nervous. You're too busy falling for him.

"Yea. Okay. I'll stay as long as you want me too."

And wasn’t that dangerous as all hell? But it’s the first time he stays the night, and it’s the first time you’ve got no idea how to ever make him leave.

@simpledomain @liliane106  @kamahriii @sinplisticshawn @lifeoftheparty74 @xeuphorically-moonstruck @euphoric05 @daijanicole @bruhh-whateven @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @decewill @goldiean @bitchacho25 @bruhh-whateven @justbeingoceana @loveylangdon @iloveshawnieboi @justbeingoceana @september-lace @valedictorian65 @disaster-rose @dimestorebieber22 @MixerMani @disaster-rose @thecurlsofgod @sinplisticshawn

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[thirty-five-owls]

long rant warning

what’s so enticing to me about Iron Man/Mysterio/Spider-Man is that this mess of a triangle with quentin beck at the center of it has the potential to be so complicated and pathetic and profoundly painful, it has the potential to be real life. 

I imagine what Beck said about working on BARF and then getting fired for being emotionally unstable meant he and Tony had a thing back then. 

It was good and hot and he perhaps loved Tony a little bit, all the late-night sushi-takeout workshops at Stark Industries and Tony telling him about memories of his dad, and the two of them testing the prototype for the first time and Beck witnessing the raw emotions Tony kept suppressed for all those years. 

They could’ve had a therapeutic and entertaining little affair, and Beck truly thought that he would become a permanent part of Stark Industries some day, just right by Tony’s side, designing all the tech for him, and Beck did put in the years at his job, what he brought to Stark he thought was truly world-changing. 

Like he said, the applications of the core tech behind BARF would be endless if you think about it, and it could possibly revolutionize modern industries. He thought he was there to change people’s lives, that his work came so close to advancing humanity, which is what ultimately unhinged him when he found out Tony only saw this as a pet project that was developed for personal use. 

He wanted to be a good person, truly, all his life he worked towards it, but in the end Tony Stark’s ego failed him. All those time wasted, all his passion. Hard pill to swallow. 

He was bitter after he got fired because he had to be, anyone in their right mind whose dream and career got destroyed like that had a right to be. And perhaps he was always unstable, perhaps he always had that psychological tendency, that weakness in him which triggered the instability amid all the stress and depression and anger. So anyways he started hating Stark after that, not only because the man ruined his life long passion but also for the fact that he used to be so obsessed with that genius playboy inventor. Maybe he had always wanted to work with the legendary Tony Stark, and it was why he wanted to work for Stark Industries in the first place, maybe his employment under Tony was the best time of his life, but Tony ruined all of it. 

He can’t get over his obsessions, though, and he never got closure. He planned his revenge, he was going to make Tony remember him and repent for what he’d done, and he was so ready for his grand scheme, he was going to show him and the world just truly how powerful and life-changing the technology that he designed had the potential to be, until he heard the news of Iron Man’s death. 

He must have grieved, oh the rabbit holes he went down in the days following Tony Stark’s death. Perhaps the only well-timed thing Disney has ever done for the MCU, because now Quentin Beck can never get closure. 

He had obsessed over Tony Stark for most of his life, and at one point he was special in Tony’s eyes too, and that fleeting chapter of his life was bittersweet, and he refused to accept that Tony just kicked him to the curb like that and for this he hated him.

 But he can’t help feeling that sense of entitlement, that he was the only one who truly deserved Stark Industries, he was devoted to the company, to Iron Man, he was clever, resourceful, ambitious, which is why he had such a hard time getting over the fact that Tony left everything, EDITH even, to a superhero kid who came out of nowhere that he’s never heard of. 

And Spider-Man was so, so naive. I might be projecting onto this part a bit because I honestly felt Mysterio’s hatred for MCU’s version of Spider-Man, like yes Peter Parker (Tom Holland) what an adorable adorable little puppy every time he talks my heart melts a bit but he just painfully falls short of what I think Spider-Man should be. The immaturity, impulsivity, the lack of emotional depth, he was a Spider-Man not weighed down by the promise of responsibility from a dying loved one or the pain of loss from hiding a secret identity, even after Tony died I couldn’t see that quality in him, his character was so shallow, it was like the secret of his superhero identity meant nothing at all. 

Quentin must have seen through it all, he was so vain and melodramatic, he met Peter and immediately thought less of him. He thought Peter was too young, too immature, naive, and inexperienced, and frankly he couldn’t believe this was Tony’s work. After all, how can Tony trust such a dumb young kid with the technology that should be in the hands of much more capable man? This was just like how Tony dismissed the potential in BARF, clearly it would be much more beneficial if someone who knew what they were doing got left with Iron Man’s legacy, but he had to go give it away to a child because his ego just couldn’t allow it. 

And in his heart he felt a little vindictive because if he had been the boy’s mentor, he was sure he could do a much better job training Peter than Tony did. Just like he can do a much better job as the next Iron Man. He must have had thoughts like this on many occasions; if he had the kind of resources Tony Stark had, he can do a much better job improving the world. 

He would look at Peter and feel jealousy and hatred and a messed-up sense of protective ownership, because everything Peter had should have been rightfully his, he’s the only qualified hero to be the next Iron Man, and if he was, he could do so much more to help Peter become the deserving Spider-Man he knew Peter can be. 

He saw the potential in Peter, it just wasn’t enough to convince him to let go of his pathetic obsession with Tony Stark, and Peter was so quick to trust him implicitly, it was almost too easy. In the end he wanted to be Iron Man more than anything, because he just couldn’t stand losing the man he loved, even though he already lost him years before, he never got closure, and he was so hung up he was willing to kill Peter Parker to get it. Maybe in a different universe he could have loved Peter and it would be a simpler life, something he wanted at one point, because he did think Peter was lovable and had so much potential, but there was no way back for him. 

The moment he lied to Peter about who he was, he lost any chance of ever being happy and starting a new life and letting go of his Tony Stark obsession. Perhaps during the time he spent with Peter he had just a brief moment of clarity where he understood what Tony saw in the boy, because Peter was just so pure with a heart of gold. But by the time he realized, it was too late, he also realized that he let go of any real chance at getting closure because his entire relationship with Peter was based on a lie he can’t save himself from. And it was a shame to him that Peter had to go out like that, but there was no way back. He already made too many sacrifices that led him to where he was, Peter just fell short of being good enough. 

That’s what’s so beautiful about this ship. Maybe Quentin Beck knew that everything was messed up and wrong and it should never have been like this, but because Tony Stark died, life had to end this way for him. His passion began and ended with Tony Stark, and he never got over that. 

[kisskissbanggang]

I just woke up from a nap and let me say—political android Jaehyun is a crazy idea. In my dream he killed my coworkers in a planned destruction of scientific data, but got scared of himself and was hiding in my office so I went back 3 days later to go recover what I could and poor boy was scanning and reprinting all the data he destroyed because he felt bad so I brought him into my home and recovered the data with him and then his ai was great but I didn’t know that yet (part 1)

Move along, nothing to see here unless you want to see Lexi’s incredible nap-dream play out and then me screaming about it. 💕

I was just being me, nice to robots, but I started to do more research on the ai his model had, and had him destroy my search histories and found out that I could remove his “person chip” so he could go back to work and have most of his memories that were positive wiped so he was able to continue his government work while he was feeding me information, and the government found out I didn’t die so I lied and faked my support of their actions and they brought me into the ranks (part 2)

But he still preferred to come to my place most nights so I would replace his person chip when he came into my home and we became friends and he expressed that he always wanted to know about human feelings like having parents and pets and falling in love so one night I asked him if he wanted to lay in my bed with my cat since she’d gotten used to him being around and so he laid in my bed and was all stiff and didn’t know what to do because inexperienced robot (part 3)

And he asked what cuddling was like but he was all stiff so I resituated his body to be okay for cuddling and snuggled him and told him to research “body language” and 2 minutes later he moved himself again and wrapped his arms around me because he learned about body language and I kept telling him keywords to research about intimate human interaction and interacting with pets until I fell asleep in his arms and when I woke up (part 4)

He was in my kitchen with breakfast prepared waiting for me and sitting on my couch, petting my cat whom he befriended overnight 😂 and we watched the news about the government again and he said to me “you don’t really like it do you” and I was engulfed in my eggs and said “no I love what you cooked but fuck that guy” at [insert gov official here] and he said “how come you work for them now” and i said “I need a job because my other one was destroyed” and he got all glum looking (part 5)

And he said “I didn’t want to do it, but they decide my actions when I’m in uniform” and I said “I know I don’t blame you for what they make you do” and he said “How can I learn about them to decide if I like them or not?” And I gave him keywords about the government to research and he came back and said “oh those conspiracies are true I saw it with my own eyes” and I said “well shit then I hate them even more” and he asked about keywords to learn about morality (part 6)

And he ended up mentioning his creator and I remembered learning about how that guy was murdered by his creation (Jaehyun) because the government made him, but that that creator always created both the most powerful androids but also the most ethical and I asked him if it was true and he said it was true and that he regrets his actions everyday and that’s why he wouldn’t ever hurt me. He talked about how mean the gov was to him and how I was the only nice person he knew since his creator(part 7)

And it became this cute thing in the mornings, I’d take out his person chip while I adjusted his collar similar to a spouse putting on a tie and he’d go off to work before me and then I’d go off to work and get back before him so when he’d come home I’d loosen up his shirt and put his person chip back in and he’d turn back into a docile friend and one day we ended up “meeting” at work because I reached a higher rank and we had to pretend we didn’t know each other (part 8)

But as time went on the government was still shitty and made him do not great things and my job got slightly less ethical as days passed but I was getting paid a lot more and Jaehyun told me about the plans to destroy the low income neighborhood I lived in to remove those people from the planet and make everyone else there homeless so I took a personal leave from work to both move and also warn everyone there (20% of them outright believed me—they thought I was a crazed scientist) (part 9)

But I moved into a nicer area that wasn’t getting destroyed and that neighborhood was destroyed but only 5 people died, but that was because they thought they could take on the android, but also one elderly lady never made it out even though my neighbor promised to get her out so I was devastated about her loss, Jaehyun could tell something was off and did research on the event and learned about the old lady’s death (who he killed ofc) and felt sadness for the first time in his life (part 10)

Eventually I’m to the point at work where my creation is being tested so I’m told to move back home to be safe and they’d give me a retirement for my work (I guess I lived on the east coast) but couldn’t take a plane because of Jaehyun so we were road tripping all the way back to North Dakota which Jaehyun loved because he never had to pee and could use the AC adapter in my car to top off his charge. He was a great GPS though (part 20)

But because of the global warming and regulations you could only drive 250 miles a day so we had to stop a lot and ended up at a lot of motels so they wouldn’t ask questions about my other guest since he had minimal ID and was theoretically meant to stay on the east coast and never move. And we ended up at this janky place and it spooked me out so Jaehyun actually laid with me again that night instead of just sitting at the desk charging like he did at other places (part 21)

And my car had issues so we ended up having to stay at that place a couple of nights but it was still v scary for me. We ended up going to a saloon near the motel for me to get food, Jaehyun came with because spooked) and they were having a dance night and Jaehyun had never danced before so I decided to teach him and he was having a great time and suddenly a slow song came on and I was so focused on teaching him how to slow dance that I didn’t notice how he was looking at me (part 22)

And so I finally feel like he’s got the footwork down and the song is half done and I look up at him and he leans down to kiss me and his dumb android lips are too great and part of me is revolted because I’m kissing a robot but also part of me loves Jaehyun more than I could ever love anyone I’d ever met because of his innocence and good morals and when he pulls away he looks shocked and he said “I just wanted to copy the movies I didn’t know I could feel that” and I laughed at him (part 23)

And when we got back to the motel and I’d washed up he was like “Can we do that again?” And it was the dumbest most cute thing ever and I sat on the bed with him standing in front of me, way too eager hoping I’d say yes and I nodded and he did a little dance before leaning back down to kiss me again and he kept going and eventually had my back on the bed with him over me, holding me as close to himself as he could and then the moment was ruined bc there was some guy rattling room doors (part 24)

I got spooked and Jaehyun guarded me with his body and the guy kept going and management called the room to apologize for the drunk guy who forgot his room # and I ended up just going to sleep. The next day my car was fixed and we were back on the road. Jaehyun kept touching his lips and opening his mouth to say something, but instead of speaking, he’d blush, look away, and close his mouth. He’d do this ad nauseum until I asked what he was thinking (part 25)

And he just asked “How do I know what love is?” And I choked on air, not expecting that question and I tried my best to describe it and gave up and said “You just know. You’d be devastated without them in your life and you enjoy being with them and you love all of their flaws.” And he asked if I loved Gladys and I said “Of course, platonically” and he asked the difference between platonic and romantic love and he said “I loved Gladys platonically too” (part 26)

I ended up going north to Wisconsin for some reason (I think there was a safety issue?) so it took a while to get anywhere but the day after we talked about love Jaehyun looks at me and says, “What if I think I romantically loved you?” And I pulled over, absolutely shocked by my own internal instinct to say “I love you too” and he looked at my face and sheepishly asked “So is now a good time to kiss again?” And we ended up making out on the side of the highway (part 27)

At that point in the dream it gets fuzzy, we get to the next motel, Jaehyun kisses me again, but puts his knee between my legs and when he moves and up moving against my groin and things escalated from there. The dream cuts to my parents meeting him and my dad having a weird vibe about him but not being sure what to think because the dogs think he’s cool. Piper bit his finger once and he didn’t flinch so my dad was like “????” But whatever he seemed like a nice boyfriend to me (part 28)

I end up telling my sister everything and my mom overheard the part about what my job was doing not about Jaehyun being a robot. My sister was understanding and my mom was worried about my work and told me that’s why she warned me about working at the Naval Academy. And between my sister, her husband, Jaehyun, and I, we came up with this plan to take over the government and it was crazy but Jaehyun had all the information to get into places since I backed him up (part 29)

Okay but OH MY GOD??? I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW INVESTED I ALSO JUST GOT IN YOUR NAP DREAM???????????? This had everything like it had stakes and drama and comedy and suspense and science and sex and what the hell it was a whole movie??? It was a whole miniseries??? ANDROID JAEHYUN WANTING TO LEARN WHAT LOVE IS WHAT AN IDEAAAA

I’ve said Android au’s are my jam I feel discombobulated in the best way this is like three different movies in one I’m still losing it BECAUSE I CAN’T STOP THINKING OF ANDROID JAEHYUN LOVING YOUR CAT HOLY SHIT

[once-upon-a-ouat]

“Stardust”

@knight-rook-a-history: Stars - AU (Day 6)

A Curious Archer AU inspired by the movie “Stardust”. This is a plot description of the idea because it got away from me and became too long to be written as an actual fic (heaven knows this description is too long, too). Fair warning for major character death and a sad, painful, bittersweet ending. I can’t help my love of angst, folks.

Read on FFN or AO3

Robin saw the star fall. Everyone saw it fall. Everyone knew it was somewhere outside the confines of Mist Haven. Everyone wanted it. No one dared to go get it. No one but Robin. And she had a plan, too. With the help of her two best friends - Gideon and Alexandra, she'd been preparing her plan for years, ever since they’d seen their first shooting star when they’d been kids. The three of them had made a pact to come up with a plan so that they'd be ready when the next star fell out of the sky.

They’d had enough time to perfect it over the years since there’d been no other shooting stars. Or they hadn't seen them. It didn't matter now. They had a star and Robin needed to get to it before someone else found it.

She grabbed the travel bag Gideon had prepared for her with all the things she might need, her bow and arrows, and the shoes Alex had made for her. They were of excellent workmanship and were enchanted. Gideon had helped Robin mold the magic from which Alex's mother's glass slippers were made and adapt it to her own needs. Gideon understood magic like no one else. He knew it inside out on a logical level which Robin couldn't even begin to comprehend. Her mom and aunt had always taught her that magic was emotion, and she'd never been that good at it anyway. She had just enough magic to accomplish the spell of altering a pre-existing body of magic under Gideon's guidance but that meant that the glass slippers had to be sacrificed. On the other hand, she had a pair of enchanted boots that could travel as fast as her body would allow. And Gideon had helped her make a copy of the glass slippers that would never fool a magic user for it wasn't nearly as precise as the original, but Ella would hardly notice the difference.

Robin was all set to go. She just needed to get past the magical barrier that kept them trapped, i.e. safe. Outside of the shield there were ogres lurking, but Robin wasn't afraid of them. She knew how to defeat them – the trick was to shoot them in the eye. Though, with her magical shoes she'd hardly have to worry about ogres. The magical barrier around Mist Haven was the only thing standing between her and that star. Luckily for her, her aunt was the queen of their isolated kingdom and a powerful sorceress. If she didn't have the key to the kingdom so to speak, no one did.

Robin went to her aunt's magic vault. It was sealed and even though her own magic had never been strong, that spell she could break. It was blood magic, after all. All she needed was a drop of blood. She cut herself on the tip of one of her arrows and entered the vault. That was the only part of the plan they needed to improvise because once she opened the vault, she wouldn't be able to seal it again. However, there was a small chance of her aunt finding out about it because she didn't use the vault anymore. Robin had never understood why she would keep all that magic locked away. But “to keep it away from inexperienced and reckless magic users”–such as herself–was probably a good guess.

Robin knew that what she was doing was dangerous. She knew it could blow up in her face in so many different ways and earn her a grounding for life. That was why Gideon and Alex were instructed to cover for her as long as possible. They'd lied that the three of them would be spending the night in their secluded childhood tree house. Knowing them, one night could easily turn into five, so that'd give her enough time to escape and find the star. By the time her disappearance was discovered, she would probably be on her way back and, hopefully, not empty-handed. If she succeeded in her quest, it would be worth all the risks she was taking. Life would change for all of them.

She found a way to open a small "door" in the magical barrier. However, she needed strong magic to spear through the magical field and she knew her own magic couldn't do that. She knew her mom's magic was stored in a box that was somewhere around the vault. Her mom had made the sacrifice to give up her magic in order to protect the community. Since then it was stored into the box and her mom and aunt had been looking for a way to get it back inside her. But that had been when Robin had been a baby. She was twenty-five now. If they hadn't found a way to do it by now, there probably wasn't one. Not in the confines of their magical trap anyway.

Robin took the box and let out her mom's magic. It made a hole big enough for her to get through the barrier. She stumbled out of Mist Haven falling face first into the grass, forced out by the magic. There was something different about the world outside, something wild and exciting. She headed for the place where the star had to be according to her calculations. Well, okay, Gideon's calculations. He'd helped her figure out where she needed to go. And the boots Alex had made for her took her there in under an hour as they allowed her to move with incredible speed.

She found the star but it turned out it was a girl and not, well, a rock, like they'd all expected. It didn't matter, though. She’d gone there for a star, and a star she'd take home.

The star didn't seem to agree with her, though. She accused Robin of being selfish for wanting to possess her. They started calling each other names. Robin called her Star Girl even though her name was Alice. Alice called her Snobin when she learned her name. Robin decided that a better approach might be to explain herself. She told Alice that she wanted to help her people.

Everyone had heard that shooting stars could grant wishes. So they had to be magical. She figured if she brought the fallen star to Mist Haven and everyone wished for it, the war with the ogres would end and they would be able to live freely, instead of being trapped under a magical lid.

Mist Haven was small for her. She wanted to be like her dad – roaming the forests without fearing the ogres and helping people in need. She wanted to have adventures. She wanted to find herself, and that wouldn't happen in Mist Haven.

She also wanted a better life for everyone else. Gideon could become a great scientist with the right resources. Alex could make a fortune from selling shoes to the royals from neighbouring kingdoms and even other realms. Her own mom could make clothes for other royals besides Robin's aunt instead of working on a farm. Snow White could track criminals, and her husband – David, could be a knight. And Emma’s powerful Savior magic could save thousands of people instead of being wasted in the confines of the magical trap they all lovingly called home. They didn't have to be trapped in Mist Haven with no opportunities for the future.

Alice said she'd go with her. She'd always hated to see wars. She couldn't bear the thought of them. Watching the earth for centuries, she'd seen more bloodshed than any human. The thing that kept her watching and shining on the people was how happy they seemed. They always sought adventures and the biggest adventure seemed to be love. So she said she'd look at this as an adventure. She hadn't fallen from the sky intentionally, but until she could find a way to go back home, she would take the opportunity to do what she'd always wanted.

Robin gave her the cloak Gideon had packed for her. They'd figured it would come in handy to conceal her load. Well, not exactly how they'd imagined it, but it still served its purpose. Alice also limited her shining so that she wouldn't blind or even obliterate Robin and anyone they might meet. It really helped to keep her off the radar of anyone else who might be after her.

Robin figured that the journey back would take a lot longer since Alice didn't have magical boots of her own, and carrying her wasn't an option. So they'd have to walk back. Robin was so grateful she had that map Gideon had made her.

Robin was also glad that she took all her savings with her even though she'd planned to use the shoes on the way back, too. Good thing she'd figured it was a good idea to have a backup plan because they needed something to eat. A means of transportation other than walking would be great, too, but there was no way her savings would be enough for a horse. Besides, she was trying to lay low and not draw attention to herself and Alice. However, that wasn't exactly easy with a curious star that was just beginning to get acquainted with human things.

If given the chance, Alice would stop at every step to smell the flowers and pet all the forest animals who seemed to flock to her even though they kept their distance from Robin. It was the bow. The animals on her mom's farm liked her well enough.

The trouble was that Alice drew the attention not only of the animals, but also of the people. Her presence was immediately felt in all the villages they passed–far enough from Mist Haven to not even be aware of the ogre infestation they were facing–as she was filled with child-like wonder by the simplest things. Robin tried to keep her in line, but every once in a while Alice found the opportunity to be in total awe by something as simple as a hook or a stuffed toy.

At one of the market places they went through, Alice saw a white rabbit and immediately fell in love with it. It seemed to gravitate towards her as well so Robin asked her if she wanted it and when Alice nodded enthusiastically, she bought it for her despite her concerns about keeping a low profile.

When they got to the forest, Alice let the rabbit go and it was out of sight as soon as she let it on the ground. Robin scolded her because "seriously, Star girl?" She paid money for that thing. Alice thanked her and said that she’d saved the rabbit from death and now it could live and have a family. Robin just shook her head and kept walking, but when she was out of Alice's sight, she allowed the smile to take over her face.

That night while they were walking–Alice wasn't used to sleeping during the night so Robin compromised by letting Alice sleep for a few hours during the day while she stood guard and they switched at night so that she could get some rest as well–they heard a commotion nearby. They saw a man threatening two girls. Robin used her archery skills to scare him away and save the girls whose names were Anastasia and Drizella. The two had been on their way to an inn nearby where their mother was waiting for them when the guy had come out of the forest, wanting their money.

Alice and Robin joined them on their way to the inn since Robin decided it would be good to sleep in a bed and take a bath for a change. They arrived at "Mother Gothel's Secret Garden" shortly. The innholder – Mother Gothel – was a friendly woman that immediately offered them shelter. Drizella and Anastasia were reunited with their mother – Rapunzel, and said they'd be on their way even though it looked like a storm was coming.

Mother Gothel recognized Robin as a magic user and told her she could show her a trick or two to help her in her travels while Alice was enjoying a nice cup of tea since Gothel, too, was a magic user. It was what helped her run the inn by herself and made it a real win. She told Robin that the trick she was showing her was called "Getting away with your prize" before disappearing.

Robin panicked and checked the inn for Alice but she couldn't find her anywhere. What was worse was that she couldn't get out of the inn. There was a spell that sealed her inside. She used what Gideon had taught her to change the structure of the magic of her shoes again so that it would allow her to walk out of the magical circle she was trapped in.

Once she was free, she started looking for a way to locate Alice. She went through her bag and found a locator’s potion that Gideon had put in there. She wondered what possible reason he could have had for putting that in there before deciding that it must have been his gift of foresight that had made him do it, and, really, what did it matter? The important thing was that she would be able to find Alice.

Her joy was quickly extinguished when she realized that she needed something of Alice's for the potion to be of any help. And she didn't have anything of hers. Well, unless she counted her own heart. Alice's curiosity, bravery and readiness to help had enchanted her from the beginning. And even though she'd only known her for a few days, she was the only one who'd ever made her feel so deeply. So she considered the possibility of ripping out her own heart to use with the potion since it was the only thing she had that belonged to Alice. Even though not in the traditional sense of the word when it came to locator’s potion. Still, it was the only chance she had of finding Alice so she decided to try it.

Before she could proceed with her plan, she was being teleported. And also shrunk. She found herself in a jar in Gothel's hands. The sorceress used her to motivate Alice to help her. She wanted Alice to shine bright enough to make her plants grow enough in size to take over the entire world and kill the people who only destroyed everything in their way. Alice refused but Gothel set a sensor to Robin's jar that would only open the lid when a certain level of brightness of light had been reached. And that would only happen if Alice agreed to cooperate. If not, Robin would soon run out of oxygen and die.

Alice started crying and from her tears grew other plants with stems of shimmering silver that knocked over the jar, shattering it to pieces, and attacked Gothel. Robin was still shrunk, though, but that hardly mattered at the moment. She kissed Alice's cheek, relieved that both of them were alive for the moment, and before she knew it, she was her normal size again. Alice hugged her and told her to close her eyes. And even behind her closed eyelids Robin could still see the blinding wave of light that radiated off of Alice.

When she opened her eyes, there was only ash left of Gothel and her plants. Alice had obliterated them with her shine. She explained to Robin that Gothel had put a curse on her to inhibit her power and prevent her from doing just that. But when the two of them had shared True Love's kiss, the curse had been lifted. And so had been the shrinking spell Gothel had put on Robin.

They got out of the cave where Gothel held them only to find themselves lost. They had no idea where the hell Gothel had taken them. Robin took out the map Gideon had given her and used reverse blood magic. She let the drop of blood fall on Mist Haven's location on the map and trickle down to where they were. It turned out that Gothel had taken them far away, thus eliminating all their progress. Robin groaned that they'd have to walk all that distance again. But Alice's hand in hers gave her the needed encouragement and lifted her spirits.

The two renewed their journey and tried to be less conspicuous this time so as to not draw the attention of another witch that wanted to use Alice's powers for evil. And for heaven's sake, no more inns. They slept under the night sky that was as full of stars as ever.

Robin saw the woven bracelets at one of the market places where they stopped to buy food and decided to buy matching ones for Alice and herself. While she was fumbling with the money, she overheard a conversation between two drunk pirates. She heard them mention the Jolly Roger and stuffed the bracelets in her bag before grabbing Alice's hand and rushing after the pirates.

They followed them to a hidden cove where the ship was anchored. Robin dragged Alice aboard despite her protests. They sneaked around a few of the crew members but their path was blocked by a man dressed in black leather and with a hook for a left hand. Robin recognized him as the captain of the ship – Killian Jones.

She introduced herself as a friend of Gideon’s from Mist Haven which immediately grabbed his attention and he welcomed them on board. Robin explained to Alice that that was the man who had brought Gideon to Mist Haven after he'd rescued him from a place called Neverland where time didn't move and Gideon had been trapped for centuries after he'd been kidnapped from his parents.

Killian offered them lunch and safe passage to Mist Haven. He then asked Robin to tell him everything about Gideon. She told him about the workshop Gideon had in Mist Haven where he built all sorts of inventions to help ease the life of the people.

Meanwhile, Alice was at the railings, watching the sea. A figure in a brown cloak approached her. She could feel the darkness in him. But before she could say anything, he revealed that he knew she was a star. She asked him how he knew and he told her his magic could detect hers.

Robin chose to interrupt at that moment for she’d recognized the hooded figure. She turned to Killian, shocked that he’d have the Dark One on his ship. She’d heard stories about him. The man who could’ve easily ended the Ogre war but had refused to. She drew an arrow and aimed it at him, perfectly aware of her minimal chance to even get to shoot it, not to mention hit him with it.

Killian stopped her, revealing that that was Rumplestiltskin – Gideon's father. He’d challenged him to a duel because he’d wanted his ship. It could fly thanks to the sail made of pegasi feathers and he needed just that to rescue his son from the prison he was being held in. Killian had agreed to help him when he’d learned the boy was trapped on Neverland. His own brother had found his death on that cursed island, so if he had the chance to save someone from there, he would take it. They’d rescued the boy and had brought him to Mist Haven where he’d be safe.

Robin asked why Rumple hadn’t stayed with him and had left him an orphan instead. Rumple told her the story. He’d been the Savior, destined to end the great evil that’d been born the same winter as him. It had turned out that evil had been his own mother. And to prevent him from fulfilling his destiny, she’d cut off the thread of his life, thus altering his fate. He’d turned out to be a coward. Yet, he’d found a kind soul who’d been able to look past all of his shortcomings and had fallen in love with him. He’d fallen in love with her and they’d gotten married. Soon his wife had given birth to a son – Gideon, named after her favorite book character. They’d been living a fairytale.

Until his mother had reentered his life. She’d been trying to steal Gideon from them because, as the son of the ex Savior, he had powerful magic that could help her get what she wanted. Afraid of her endless attempts to steal his son, Rumple had sought out the Dark One and had taken his power for himself so that he’d be able to protect his family from the woman who’d ruined his life the first time around. He wouldn't let her do it again.

However, when he returned from his journey with the power of the Dark One, it had been too late. His son had been kidnapped by his father – Peter Pan, who ruled over Neverland. He’d taken the boy in hopes of being reunited with his wife. So Rumple searched for ways to get his son out of Neverland for years while his wife faded under the burden of the grief and time. She’d died eventually and he’d had nothing to keep him on the side of light anymore. He’d used more and more dark magic and it had been consuming him slowly. And he still hadn’t found a way to get to his son.

Then he’d heard about Killian’s ship. Together the two of them had freed Gideon with Rumple killing his father in the process. They’d saved Gideon but he hadn’t even recognized his papa. He looked nothing like he had before and his voice sounded different with madness woven in it. He’d sunk so deep into the darkness that his own son hadn’t been able to recognize him. So he’d decided Gideon would be better off without him and Killian had suggested to get him to Mist Haven where he’d be safe.

However, the Black Fairy – Rumple’s mother, had followed them there as she’d needed Gideon's magic in order to be able to stay in that dimension and not be pulled back to the one she’d been banished to. And as luck would have it, in Mist Haven she’d found the last ingredient she needed in order to free herself – Emma. She was the new Savior and with enough of her magic she could open a portal between the dimensions and come back to this one permanently.

Killian stepped in to tell Robin about her mother’s brave sacrifice. The Black Fairy had used Zelena’s magic to power her plan, and in order to stop her Zelena had sacrificed her magic, thus saving everyone in Mist Haven. However, the Black Fairy had consumed enough of Gideon's magic–all of it, actually–for one final battle. It had been Rumple who’d incinerated her, leaving only a heap of dark fairy dust behind. It had seemed harmless enough but it had poisoned the soil and had turned all the bugs into ogres. That had been how the Ogre war had started and they’d had to seal Mist Haven to prevent more people from falling victim to the vicious beasts.

Robin needed some time to process the whole story but, luckily for her, now that they were on the ship they had time to rest and actually enjoy the journey.

Alice seemed to have great fun on the ship. Killian taught her the main things about being a pirate – steering a ship, swordfighting, reading maps and even navigating with help from the stars. She loved the sea for it was so different from the sky, yet, reminded her so much of it. It was the sky’s reflection on earth, and it was beautiful.

One night Rumple caught her staring lovingly at Robin who was talking to Killian. It turned out he’d known her father so he was telling her all about him. Meanwhile, Rumple told Alice about his wife – Belle. He told her about her passionate love of books, her desire for adventures and her brave heart. He told her of how much she reminded him of her, and when Alice mentioned that she’d never really read a book, he conjured Belle’s favorite – Her Handsome Hero. It was the one from which Gideon's name had come.

It took them a few days but they finally arrived at the port near Mist Haven. Robin knew something was wrong the moment they first stepped on land.

They rushed to where she’d opened a passage in the barrier and entered Mist Haven only to find it ravaged. The ogres had found the opening in the shield, too, and had taken advantage of it. Robin wondered how that could’ve happened. Rumple’s guess was that they’d picked up the lower vibration of the hole in the barrier with their incredibly sensitive hearing. They were blind but their other senses more than compensated for it. And when Rumple told her that something must have drown them near after her objection that they usually didn’t come close enough to the barrier to sense a disruption in it, she realized that it was all her fault. She hadn’t closed the wound on her finger when she’d pricked herself in order to open the vault. A drop of blood must have fallen on the grass when she’d dropped to the ground on her way out.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a voice that sounded familiar. She saw her mom being attacked by an ogre. She would’ve been killed if Emma hadn’t saved her with her magic. There was a heavy battle going on. Emma and Regina were using their magic to shield the people and transport them to a safe place–if there even was such a thing–while David was brandishing his sword left and right and Snow was shooting arrow after arrow. Mulan and Philip were also there, fighting to protect what was left of their home.

Robin couldn't care about all of that. She ran to her mom, relieved to see that she was okay. Zelena hugged her, looking just as relieved to see that her daughter was fine, but their joy was short-lived. Zelena berated Robin for putting everyone’s lives at risk before telling her that not everyone had had her luck. Alex’s father was dead. And who knew how many other people.

Robin felt the tears falling from her eyes. She’d just wanted better lives for all of them. But she’d ended up taking away even the ones they’d already had. And the worst part was that she couldn't do anything to fix her mistake. If Emma and Regina’s combined power wasn’t enough to stop the ogres, she had no chance.

That was when she heard Alice call her name. She told her that she could stop it. She could destroy the darkness. It was why she’d fallen from the sky. She’d been sent to help them all. Her light could balance out all the darkness that had been spread around their world. And before Robin could say anything, she started sucking the darkness out of the ogres, causing them to shrink back to the bugs they’d been before.

The moment Robin saw it, she knew what the consequences would be. Alice would die. Her shine was fading with every second as it neutralized the darkness. She could save them. But she had to die.

Robin begged her not to do it, but Alice had decided already. She reasoned that Robin’s wish had been for her to save them from their prison. And when the darkness was gone, they’d be able to go on all the adventures their hearts desired.

Robin cried at her that that wasn’t what she wanted anymore. She wanted the adventures only if Alice was there to share them with her. She’d wanted adventures, too, and she couldn't give up on that.

She assured Robin that the adventure the two of them had had on the way back had been more than enough. And while Robin wailed that it wasn’t enough for her, Alice concentrated all her power on shining. She felt more darkness entangling with her light and turned to see Rumple’s skin returning to its normal texture and color as all the darkness drained out of him and flowed into her.

Alice said a last “I love you” to Robin and, with a loud explosion, the darkness and the light melded together and dissolved into thin air, perfectly balanced. A cloud of stardust fell all over Mist Haven, causing yellow flowers to start growing from the soil. Later, they found out that they had healing powers and helped immensely in the recovery of those who’d gotten injured in the battle. Even in her death Alice had found a way to save more lives and had left them one last parting gift.

Robin was proud of her. But that didn’t change the pain that was tearing her apart. She fell to the ground, her fingers clutching at the bracelet that was the only physical proof she had that Alice had ever existed.

Gideon ran towards her but the sight of his father gave him pause. Without the darkness, he recognized him, but there was no time for a happy reunion. Without the darkness, his father was dying. He only had time to tell him he loved him before the light left his eyes.

Gideon cried.

Alex cried.

Robin cried.

When she’d managed to pick herself up enough to function, she used her magic to gather the particles left of Alice. It drained all her power but she had a pile of stardust in her hands in the end. She used her magic again to sprinkle it over the sea water that was to become Alice’s last home. She would be happy there.

Killian gave her the Resurrection Amulet that was told to be able to revive people. It just needed to be filled with magic. And it needed a price to be paid. Gideon warned her of that. She’d known it already. Not that she would’ve used it. Alice wouldn't have wanted that. She’d made her own decision and Robin respected it. Besides, she’d already used her magic for the last time to give Alice the resting place she deserved.

She used the amulet to suck out her own magic and then gave it to her mom. It was the least she could do after stealing the box with her mom’s magic. Besides, Zelena would use it more responsibly to help people, and not hurt them. Robin only asked her to use it to restore the glass slippers that she’d destroyed. Ella would want back the thing that had helped her find her husband. And Alex would want them, too, now that her father was dead. And Robin had already robbed them of enough.

She also gave Gideon the book Rumple had given Alice. His mother’s favorite. Alice would’ve wanted him to have it.

To Killian she gave the bracelet that she’d bought for Alice. She’d seen how much the two of them had bonded in the short time she and Alice had been on his ship. He’d acted like a father to Alice the whole time, teaching her everything he could and always remaining understanding, even when Alice’s perspective on things had been a little too unique for a human to understand. He deserved to have it.

Robin was glad to hear from him that he planned to stay at Mist Haven. A certain blonde Savior had caught his eye so he’d decided to stay on shore for a little while. See where things would take them.

And Robin had decided to leave. She would travel and devote her time to helping people in need. Just like Alice had done. And like her own father had done when he’d been alive.

She slept under the stars that didn’t seem so bright anymore. Maybe they were mourning the loss of their sister.

Alice would never find her way back to the night sky. But the stardust that was left of her still carried life in it and when the fish swallowed it, they turned into a species no one had seen before. They turned into starfish.

[thehappyspaceman]

The Dragon Prince Recap/Review (Season One)

Hey guys, Spaceman here. I know you’re probably wondering where my Favorite Christmas Songs video is by now, or where really any content whatsoever is. Well, the truth is that I spent the first part of this month and most of last month preparing for an entrance audition for a particular music college, whose name I can’t currently disclose (I want to be sure I get in before I talk about it), hence the lack of new content. But that’s all over now, so I’m prepared to get back to work on videos, art, and possibly even music! Yeah, remember when I did music? Anyway, while I’m working on that, I thought I’d write something to keep you guys interested.

Many of you may be aware of this, but from August to September of last year, I really got into Avatar: The Last Airbender. It’s my current obsession and even took the title of my favorite animated series of all time from the previous holder, Gargoyles, which was no small feat. It got to the point where after I finished watching it, I felt a bit of a hole in my life and needed to find something else to replace it. This is when I heard about Netflix’s series The Dragon Prince, which was described as being similar to Avatar, as well as being created by Avatar’s director Aaron Ehasz and featuring the involvement of some of Avatar’s cast and crew. I watched it and… thought it was okay? Just okay, but not great. This month, however, news was released that it was getting a second season, and I was interested, so I figured I might as well watch it again and type out my thoughts. How was it? Let’s take a look.

The Story

The Dragon Prince is set in a world where humans and elves are in conflict. There’s a lengthy explanation for this, which the show thankfully provides at the start of the first episode.

Don’t worry; you don’t have to watch this in every episode. Anyway, the egg of the dragon king is presumed destroyed, and is imminent war between the elves and humans. As both sides prepare for the war, the elves attempt to assassinate the human King Harrow and his heir, the young Prince Ezran; however, during the attack, fifteen-year-old elf Rayla discovers that the egg was not destroyed, but rather stolen. Rayla teams up with Ezran and his half-brother, Callum, to deliver the egg back to the dragons. Meanwhile, Harrow’s advisor, the mage Lord Viren, is intent on war, and sends his own children Claudia and Soren after our heroes.

That’s just the really condensed version of the plot. During the nine episodes in season one, there is a lot of exposition and a lot of other things happen that I haven’t even mentioned. I would do an episode-by-episode recap for this show, but honestly, they all kind of blend together. Unlike with other animated shows I’ve watched recently, there aren’t really any standalone episodes I can think of. Each one kind of just moves straight into the next, which I guess makes sense for a series on Netflix, a service notorious for encouraging binge-watching.

The very first thing I noticed about The Dragon Prince was that it doesn’t really have any true antagonist on either side (at first). Like, you can’t really say, “Oh, the elves are evil,” or “Oh, the humans are evil.” I was super skeptical when the intro described that the humans were to blame for a lot of the problems, including discovering dark magic and slaying the Dragon King, but the intro also pits the elves in the wrong, showing them banishing all the humans instead of just banishing the few who discovered dark magic.

That leads me into discussing a major theme that’s prevalent at least in season one, the theme of prejudice and tolerance. From the few things that the humans know about the elves, they are painted as horrific killers. Humans think of elves as being bloodthirsty killers—literally and figuratively—and the elves are similarly shown holding stereotypes about humans. The fact that Callum and Ezran teamed up with Rayla was only due to the circumstances; it takes several episodes before they are able to fully trust one another. This is a theme that I’ve also seen done well in another favorite fantasy show of mine, Gargoyles.

Admittedly, a few parts of this story seem rather derivative, such as the six primal sources of magic being reminiscent of the Four Elements from Avatar, which leads me to the next topic…

The World

I will admit that it’s not entirely fair to judge a TV show based on its first nine episodes. Granted, I usually hold the policy that if a show’s first five episodes don’t get you hooked, then you should not be required to keep watching (take note, Steven Universe fans). The thing is, this show did get me interested, and I want to see it continue to develop, because what we have so far isn’t much. It kind of just feels like a standard fantasy world, with elves, dragons, castles, and assorted monsters, which, okay, is a tried and true formula by Tolkien and others, but after the world of Avatar, with its focus on Asian culture, its unique animals, and its nearly steampunk technology, I can’t help but feel like this is a slight step down.

That’s not to say that it’s bad, of course. There are a few things that make it really pop out and feel real. The background art, for one, is incredible. Some of the monsters feel unique, too, like those on the Cursed Caldera—one of them even kind of looks like a graboid from Tremors. Also, I like what they did with the elves’ design here. They could have easily just made them pale humans with pointy ears, but instead they put a lot of detail into it, giving the different groups of elves different skin colors, horns, and having them have only four fingers instead of five. Those are some nice touches.

The Characters

Let’s move on to the characters, starting with Rayla, who is easily my favorite character of the group. She admittedly has a bit of a Zuko thing going on, as she was assigned to hunt down the main characters but turns against her original group to help join the main characters on her mission. Other subtle details are similar, too, like her long-lasting inner conflict with her past and her use of dual swords. That said, her journey is a little different; for one thing, Zuko took nearly the entire run of Avatar to fully go through his heel-face turn, only switching sides halfway through the show’s final season. With Rayla, she joins the heroes in the third episode, which cuts out much of the emotional journey but also lends itself to more interactions with the human characters. She’s much funnier, for another thing, giving her share of snide remarks but also scoring a bunch of laughs when she goes undercover disguised as a human in one of the episodes—can you say, “How do you do, fellow kids humans?” Paula Burrows delivers a great vocal performance, which adds to the character.

Next up is Callum, the main human lead. Now, it’s incredibly easy to draw comparisons between his character and Sokka: Both are goofy, “normal” teenage boys in a world filled with magic, not very adept with fighting but good at planning things. More importantly, of course, is the fact that Callum is literally voiced by Sokka’s voice actor, Jack DeSena. Comparisons… were gonna pop up, is what I’m saying. And I’ll admit that the first time I watched The Dragon Prince, it was super jarring to hear Sokka’s voice coming out of Callum every time he talked. But there are some differences. While in Avatar, Sokka is the most responsible member of the group and the only one with any real degree of survival training, Callum is more inexperienced and callow, not good with a sword and only starting to learn magic. He’s also noticeably more chill and less panicky than the Sokka of season one of Avatar and shows that he can actually draw much better. Though considering Sokka’s drawing ability…

…that’s not really saying much.

Now to move on to Ezran, Callum’s half-brother. I have to admit, of the main characters, he’s probably the weakest, at least to me. I don’t know, he kind of feels a bit flat as a character. All I remember about him is the fact that he can understand animals, which is unique, but he doesn’t really have much of a personality aside from just being your typical kid. I know, it’s not easy to characterize a small child whilst making them believable… though again, Avatar managed to do so well. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t keep comparing these two shows, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t super easy.

Not helping is Ezran’s pet, a glow toad named Bait. As far as animal sidekicks go, I definitely prefer Appa from Avatar; hell, even Momo managed to get a few asskicking moments. Bait kind of just lies around and eats stuff. Several times, he manages to get the main characters into trouble, which I found a little bothersome. The one good thing about him is that his glowing abilities do come in handy a few times to temporarily blind enemies, though… I’ll get back to that later.

The trio is pursued by siblings Soren and Claudia. Soren is a young knight and a bit of a dumb jock but has a heart of gold. Claudia, meanwhile, is a nerdy mage who comes off as a bit awkward. They are always fun when they are on screen and have a believable relationship. It’s also worth noting that early on, Callum is revealed to have a crush on Claudia, which… oh boy, let’s hope the shipping discourse in The Dragon Prince’s fandom doesn’t get as bad as the Avatar fandom. I can already see a potential clash between the Claudia/Callum and Rayla/Callum crowds. (Full disclosure: I’m on the Rayla/Callum side.)

The other characters were cool, too. For as little time as we got to know him, I liked King Harrow, Ezran’s father. Even for his cringey dad humor, he was an intriguing character. It’s hinted that there was a lot of stuff in his past that we don’t know about, like his involvement with dark magic. Also intriguing was Lord Viren, Soren and Claudia’s father. It’s easy to see that he was once good and still has some good in him, as shown by his friendship with Harrow, but he has been corrupted by his use of dark magic and is too far gone. Finally, Aunt Amaya, Callum and Ezran’s deaf aunt who’s a solder on the frontlines, was another character I wound up loving. It’s rare that we see people with disabilities get good representation in animated series (another thing I loved about Avatar with the blind character Toph).

But okay, if we’re going to talk about this show, then I might as well bring up the one criticism that every other critic has already made about it. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

The Animation

Yes, among all the mixed reviews of this show, one consistent criticism was the animation. It seems to be CGI, but is going for a 2D, hand-drawn look; unfortunately, the way the pull it off is not necessarily the greatest. Take a look at the trailer for an example of what I’m talking about.

No, your computer is not glitching out; that is the framerate they went with. And this choppiness is something that seems to be a trend with certain CGI shows outside of this one, with Rooster Teeth being the most notorious offender. If they really wanted to make it look 2D, they should have actually animated it hand-drawn. Doing this just pulls me out of the moment. (Oddly enough, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse does something very similar with its framerate, yet I don’t have any problem with that movie doing it.)

To be entirely fair, this is something that Aaron Ehasz has acknowledged. Apparently, season one was given a very low budget, and he has promised that season two will have a steadier framerate. Judging by the trailers I’ve seen for season two… yeah, it already looks way better. Also, with my second watch of season one, I found it much easier to look past. Maybe I was just used to it by then?

Assorted Other Stuff

Warning: This section goes into minor spoiler territory. I would highly advise not reading past this if you want to remain spoiler-free when you go into season one. Got it? Alright.

One other complaint I have had is the comedy, which is really hit-or-miss in a lot of places. As I mentioned before, the scenes where Rayla is disguised as a human are hilarious, and some of the snarky dialogue is also witty as hell, but there are other moments with awkward puns and some potty humor that just feel forced to me. There’s one scene in episode six where Callum is obviously having an erotic dream about Claudia, which seemed unfitting for this show… though to be fair, Avatar also had its share of adult humor.

See also.

Another awkward tidbit is that twice, when Ezran is about to use Bait’s ability to blind his enemies, he says the line, “Say hello to my little friend,” an obvious shout-out to the classic 1983 gangster film Scarface. My question is, why is that line thrown in there? Are most kids going to catch that reference? Call me strange, but regardless of what adult fanbase this show will capture (which, let’s be honest, it will), I highly doubt its target audience is watching Brian De Palma films.

Though maybe they should be.

Speaking of strange homages… well… take a look. 

Your eyes don’t deceive you. Rayla is doing the infamous Naruto run, where you extend your arms out behind you as you run forward. And she and the other elves do this run multiple times during the show, too. It is neither practical nor particularly cool-looking, so I don’t know why this was done in the original show, and I genuinely hope this was only meant as an homage, because… again, it’s really damn silly.

The soundtrack of this show is rather nice, I will say. It’s not as memorable as Avatar or Gargoyles’, but I did find myself humming the end credits theme song after finishing watching. Speaking of which, during the credits, we get some cute drawings of the characters, some of which connect to the episode, others are apparently meant as foreshadowing for later episodes and plot points. If you watch this show, definitely do not skip the credits.

Now, as for stuff that I hope for the new season. I would like to know more about the cube that Callum and Rayla found at the winter lodge. It seems to have some kind of connection with the Primal Sources. Also, the mysterious magical mirror, I hope we can find out something about that. It was foreshadowed pretty heavily in episode eight, so I doubt they won’t do anything with it. Speaking of magic, I’d love to see Callum do more magic in the new season. It probably won’t be more wind magic, since he destroyed the sphere to birth the dragon, but Callum clearly has potential to become a great mage. Also, I would love to find out more about King Harrow’s past, as well as more about Callum and Ezran’s deceased mother, the Queen. We see Viren and Amaya mourning her by her gravesite in one scene, and Callum drawing her in another. How did she die? What was she like? These are all worthwhile questions for season two, or for future seasons after season two depending on how long the show goes for.

Conclusion

The Dragon Prince is a worthwhile watch. It’s nowhere near as great as Avatar or Gargoyles yet, and it is still clearly paving its own identity, but I still find it enjoyable enough and feel that it has potential for greatness. My main criticisms would be to up the animation quality and to develop the characters more, though my guess is that both will already happen in season two, which will be dropping later tomorrow, February 15.

But yeah, you have my attention, show. Don’t screw it up.

~Spaceman

[oh-beyond]

The Postman AU - Part 8

Your parents tried to have children for years… They were desperate to conceive a child, almost gave up on the idea, until finally your mother got pregnant with you.

Fragile child, born underweight and prematurely. You were the light of their eyes. Now you were a teenager and still treated you as if you were going to get broken. Homeschooled and trapped in your house. You didn’t need anything from the outside world.

Nothing. Until you saw the postman one day.

Postman AU/Angst/Fluff/Smut

Lay x reader

Masterlist

< Part 7 - Part 9 >

“It was selfish of me. It is my fault. How did I ever think that this could work? It’s not fair on you son.”

“It is! I love her! I didn-”

“Goodbye Yixing. You may keep your job in the post. I will make them re-hire you”

“But I can’t just leave. I can’t leave, I don’t want anything, just don’t take her away from me.”

“This... what happened. She isn’t like any girl you might of known before.” Whispered your father defeated.

“I never knew any other girl.” That caught your father’s attention. “Yes! At my age. Please blame my inexperience, I didn’t mean t-”

“You do realise how uncomfortable this conversation is, do you?” Queried your father not expecting an aster from Yixing.

“Are you still here? What are you doing here? Yeobo, kick him out before I murder him right here.” Threatened your mother.

“Samo-nim, if you please just le-” but Yixing was interrupted with the biggest slap he’s ever had the bad luck to receive. The impact was so big that he almost fell.

You father held your mother’s hands and motioned to Yixing to go for now. Yixing bowed feeling his tears on his hot cheek that stung in so many levels. Physically and emotionally he was ruined.

His legs didn’t really carry him well. What was this heavy feeling in his chest? Was this really it? The end?

With difficulty he went down the stairs, he noticed how his hand shook as he turned the main door’s doorknob to leave. He saw Junmyeon leaning on the car while he talked on the phone. When Junmyeon saw him he placed his phone on his pocket and ran towards Yixing.

“Hey! Hey hey! Yixing? What’s wrong with you? You look almost paler than me, apart from that nasty cheek!” Junmyeon tried joking the situation out. “Are you alright?” He asked hooking his arm with Yixing’s.

“Jun- Jun- she...”

“Let’s go home. You are coming with me Xing.”

On their way back Yixing tried to suppress his tears but he couldn’t. As tears went down drawing lines on his burning cheek it reminded him of the reason. He wished to rewind... the ability of rewinding just 24 hours back. None of this would of happened now aware a 100% of the situation.

“Yixing it’s OK.” Affirmed Junmyeon.

“It’s not OK, I almost killed her because I am apparently a pig that cannot control himself, also her parents hate me and they now what happened, also the engagement if broken off. Junmyeon- I- I want to die.” Yixing’s voice was breaking.

“Alright Yixing, so she didn’t die, you are not a pig, and I know they cannot just break it off, both of you are adult-”

“She is 17!”

“She will be 18 in what? 3 months?”

“Eight!” Exclaimed Yixing.

“Well damn! I didn’t know, but like OK still. You are worrying too much, you should focus in your exams.”

“I will not continue, Moon Changwook just told me I could keep my job at the post office.”

“I will pay your tuition, you are not quitting! Not now that you finally are doing what you li-”

“Junmyeon I am not. I will go back to my mother. I just hope ___ can forgive me one day.”

“Bullshit Zhang Yixing. You cannot just leave. Is that how you love ___?”

Yixing burst into tears, he was weeping at this stage, so much so that Junmyeon was worried, he questioned whether to stop the car and give Yixing a hug.

“Yah! Yixing! What the fuck man!? Since when are you this weak?”

“I lost her Junmyeon. I lost her because I-”

“Nonsense! Let’s just calm down for now and think of how to fix this.”

*****

Nothing was done other than re-reading your text conversations you had... He read and reread them day and night. Junmyeon tried to get Yixing out of bed but it was impossible. In the end and after 2 days Junmyeon gave up and thought that it would be better if Yixing got out of it alone and whenever he was ready.

This time Yixing didn’t even have the will to visit your dad like last time. He knew that he was no longer welcomed. He wanted to keep a good image at least with your dad that seemed to be more understanding than you mother when it came to you.

But he was going insane, when his eyes closed and when his eyes opened your image accompanied him everywhere he went and in everything he did. He was done waiting, he couldn’t anymore, at least he needed to make sure you were alright. What if you were really sick? What if what happened between you was actually the new reason for a new sickness? He was thinking incoherently, as if he never studied medicine himself.

But what if... what if you were dying because you had sex with him?

*****

“What do you mean doctor?” Asked your father puzzled.

“What you heard, she is doing better. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her apart from being weak, and that, she’s been her whole life, so nothing new, but her hormones... everything is better. It was about time that she started to live a normal life, and... that boy is actually good for her.” Replied the doctor with a smile looking at your parents in the eye.

“So you are telling me that all them bruises and scratches that animal did on my daughter’s sensitive skin, and the stage she came back in was beneficial?” You mother inquired through her teeth breathing loudly.

“No. Certainly I didn’t mean that, but... being sexually active is not bad for her, she might seem young, but it’s normal and it definitely improved other things. I guess the boy was inexperienced that is ju-”

“Enough doctor,” interrupted your father “we got the message. Thanks for coming.”

It was true, everything was better, even your hormonal issues went to almost normal, it was just that fever that accompanied you always but nothing to do with Yixing.

It was very disturbing for your mother, she just didn’t want to hear that anything good came from Yixing, she thought she had gotten rid of him, but it seemed that sooner rather than later there will be another encounter.

The doctor left and your parents sat next to you, in silence, avoiding looking at each other, just looking at your innocent face that slept soundly.

“You know we have to do something about this Marie.” Said your father calmly looking at you.

“I hate him.”

“That is not coherent, you hate him, but ___ doesn’t. He’s done nothing wrong.” Your father made eye contact with your mother this time.

“The bruises that decorated your daughter’s skin says otherwise.”

“Marie please! I am trying to conduct a conversation here.” Your father’s voice raised making you open your eyes slightly.

“Appa.”

“Yes baby.”

“I want to see Yixing please. Please he must be so worried, I know he can’t handle being away from me. Why are you doing this to us? Appa, please.” You cried and gathered some strength to actually sit up.

Your mother was heart broken watching you beg your dad and not her, she felt that she was the reason of your misery.

“___ baby, it’s not that easy, he... he didn’t... he promised-”

“Please, I am sorry I am responsible for what happened, he didn’t want to.” You pleaded.

Your mother scoffed and stood up. “Yeah he couldn’t control himself, animal! He is just a filthy animal.” When the words left your mother’s mouth she almost regretted it immediately, but she was too stubborn to recognise it.

You started crying bringing your knees to your chest. “I just want to see him, please, I need him to know I am alright.” You voice sounded muffled as your face buried between your knees.

“Try to relax now. We will see what we can do.”

“Promise appa?” 

“I promise honey, you are the most important thing in the world to me.”

Your dad kissed your forehead before tugging you again, the smile you gave as you closed your eyes, he somehow hoped your mother would see it. See how Yixing was the source of happiness they would never be able to provide to you, no money and no parental protection would ever replace Zhang Yixing.

*****

“It’s been a week, and all you’ve done is clean my apartment that doesn’t need cleaning.” Thundered Junmyeon watching Yixing as he ironed his shirts. “And that too, why are you ironing my shirts? I don’t want you to do that Yixing!”

“I want to feel useful, but you are right, I guess I should go back to my place.” Murmured Yixing looking down unplugging the iron.

“NO! Man you are not leaving until I see you are better. I want you to go back to your lectures.”

“We’ve talked about this, I will not do it. If I was studying before it was for ___.”

“And being a nobody is going to make ___ happy?” That came out way too harshly, Junmyeon didn’t mean it in that way and he realised late.

“All professions are something Kim Junmyeon.”

“Yixing wait! Wait man I didn’t mean it like that. Of course they are, and you know how much I love Baekhyun, he is cut for what he is, but you... you are a doctor. You were born to be one.” Junmyeon held Yixing’s shoulders as he tried reasoning with him.

“No I am not.” Cautioned Yixing removing his friend’s hands off his shoulders. “I have been a pain and I think I should go back home, I am doing better trust me.”

“Alright then, you are doing better so let’s celebrate.” Suggested Junmyeon.

“Sure Junmyeon.” Voiced Yixing as he moved to collect his belongings.

“No, I am serious, you know Luhan is in town again, he is staying at Minseok’s, and so let’s go for a couple of drinks. I’ll tell Baekhyun. Chanyeol will come I am sure Jongdae will join, it’s been long since we last met them. It will be great.”

“Not my thing Myeon-ah.”

“You are doing what I am ordering you to do because you owe me that much. Understood?” Junmyeon spoke knitting his eyebrows.

Yixing had no other option but to accept defeated.

Junmyeon insisted in dressing Yixing again, his suit pants ran a bit short but it was fashionable these days to show your ankles. 

“I love you Yixing, you were born to look this luxurious.” Joked Junmyeon dusting Yixing’s shoulders smiling dumbly.

“Alright, thanks, let’s get this thing over with.”

“If you don’t make an effort to look like you are doing better and convince me then you will have to spend the rest of your life with me until you are alright again my friend.” Threatened Junmyeon making Yixing shake his head in discontent. “Don’t you want to spend some time with your friends? Don’t you miss us hanging out like we used to?”

“I do miss the guys, but we have grown up and your ways are not my ways, we are not children anymore and your interests are not mine.”

“Have some fun Yixing, live a little.”

“All I want is ___, you think I didn’t live because I never got drunk or slept with a 100 girls. Well I say you didn't live because you’ve never fallen in love Junmyeon.” Yixing surprised himself when his voice came out a little higher than intended.

“Checkmate Dr. Zhang, you are absolutely right, but for me.” Junmyeon embraced Yixing into a caring hug, “for me just try to enjoy yourself with us today, then we will sit down and try to figure out how to fix this, now that you actually decided to get out of the house. It’s a good start.”

Yixing corresponded the hug smiling. “Thanks Junmyeon, now let’s go have some fun.”

Junmyeon collected Baekhyun and Chnayeol on their way to the club where they were to meet Luhan, Minseok and Jongdae. 

The guys were happy to see Yixing all dressed and looking forward to forget about his life issues momentarily, Baekhyun kept telling him how the place they were heading could make any man forget about anything and everything.

And he wasn’t lying, it was like entering hell itself, the way the bouncers made way for Junmyeon without having to wait in the queue and the way the crowd almost stopped doing anything they were doing watching the 4 elegant men make their way through the purple dim lit posh place made Yixing think how naive and ignorant he’s been all this time, places like this existed? 

“Relax man.” Joked Chanyeol patting Yixing’s back making him walk a bit faster as his eyes couldn’t take the view all in one go.

The high ceilings and the crystal chandeliers, the decorations that looked as if almost everything was made out of glass, even the bar and the Champagne fountain. Making calculations of the money that was spent in building such a place or the jewellery that adorned the women’s necks and fingers. That is the way Yixing was looking at everything and everyone.

“Yixing you look like we have just kidnapped you from a school, relax your shoulders.” Baekhyun jested loving that his most righteous friend had finally decided on a fun night out.

“Oh there they are!” Announced Junmyeon finally spotting Minseok and Chen in the VIP booth that looked at if it suspended in the air, it’s flooring made out of glass too.

“But how- how is that... the booth it’s...” Yixing asked confused pointing with his finger at were Minseok and Jongdae stood leaning of the rail.

“It’s hanging Yixing, look see?” Junmyeon explained. “Come on, the view from up there is even better.”

Yixing followed his friends finally greeting Minseok and Jongdae who were delighted to see him after so long.

“Fucker how are you this good looking still?”

“Minseok hyung you look good too.” Replied Yixing shyly.

“But where is Luh-” Junmyeon cut himself when he looked further inside the booth, Luhan wasn’t waisting his time.

“He said he’s been working a lot lately and Korean girls are his favourite.” Replied Jongdae cheekily explaining why Luhan was being straddled by an impressive looking girl on the long couch.

“Hey Luhan! Yixing is here man!”

Luhan pulled away from that kiss that looked endless rubbing his swollen lips smiling at the guys, he asked the girl to move and he came to greet Yixing that he missed the most.

They spoke in Mandarin as the guys eyed the girl than sat in the white velvet couch waiting for her manly man to come back.

“Yah Lu, your whole face is covered in lipstick.”

“Damn it! I told her not to- but... Anyways Yixing so how is that I see you in a place like this?” Teased Luhan.

“I don’t even know myself, I guess I missed you too much that I made some sacrifices.” Exclaimed Yixing.

“We shall make this night unforgettable.”

It was a mistake for sure, soon the guys found company and even Junmyeon got distracted getting lucky with 2 ladies at the same time, he couldn’t form words as his crotch was being touched by a girl while the other kissed his neck. Yixing just wanted to go home but the choice and assortment of colourful bottles that looked like they could wipe any problem were too inviting not to try out.

He clicked his fingers and the bartender that also was a very attractive female leaned over smiling. “Yes? What can I get you?”

“I have no clue what you can get me, but surprise me with something heavy and not too bitter.”

“Not a drinker I take it, but want to forget.” She winked.

“Precisely, I don’t know what you are going to give me but please make it strong and straight to the point were I could pass out, that way we will go home earlier and maybe sleep tonight.”

The girl nodded mixing an series of liquids. “Pity, you look like you could have some fun without this stuff.” She chanted shaking the cocktail shaker.

“Not interested in anything that is not forgetting, please just-”

“Here it is.” She poured a blue substance into a glass with ice.

It burned as it went down his throat, tears forming while remembering everything that had happened between you two, almost feeling your skin under his fingertips. The same skin he would never be able to touch anymore.

“Another one.” He demanded.

“It’s quite heavy, I made it so you have one of those and you are served for the night.”

“Another one!” He cried slamming his hand on the bar.

She didn’t argue and by his third one he was just repeating your name, thinking to himself how good would it be to see you about... right now.

“Whoah there buddy? Where are you going?” Asked Baekhyun straightening Yixing.

“Pee, I need to pee or I’ll do it right here.” Yixing sounded funny, like he’s never heard him before.

“No no man you go, but need help?”

“With what? Getting my ding dong out and-”

“OK hyung! Never mind, geez...” Retorted Baekhyun.

Yixing walked with difficulty and Junmyeon noticed that Yixing was definitely drunk already, Baekhyun motioned with his hand that he was just heading to the toilet so Junmyeon relaxed in his seat letting the ladies continue their treatment on his needy muscles.

As soon as Yixing was downstairs he headed to the door and without much effort he found a VIP taxi ready to take him wherever he asked.

It took what it seemed like 2 seconds.

“Sir! Sir we have arrived, if this is the house you indicated.”

Yixing raised himself and finally smiled when he recognised the fence that surrounded your house, he smiled like dumbly and without thinking he opened the door of the taxi.

“Sir! Wait! I can drive you inside.”

Yixing sat back in his seat while the driver pressed the intercom button to be let inside.

“Sir are you sure there are people in the house?”

Yixing panicked, what if you had moved? A rush of soberness took over him.

“Try again! They are home!”

But nothing...

Yixing got desperate and went out of the car, he held onto the fence crying like a baby.

“Sir? Would you like me to take you somewhere else?”

Yixing noticed a light turning on the kitchen where you used to meet.

“There are here!” He shouted.

“Who is this?” Yixing recognised Hyunsung ajeossi’s voice through the intercom.

“Ajeossi! It’s me! It’s me Yixing!”

He opened the gate without hesitation, even though all the house workers knew that he was no longer part of your future, nonetheless they all loved him. Hyunsung noticed Yixing’s drunken voice and the urge to help him took over his actions.

When the gates opened Yixing tried running inside but he tripped on his own feet meeting the ground.

“Sir! Are you alright?” The diver asked alarmed when he saw blood on Yixing’s mouth as he turned over.

“I am, I just bit myself.” Laughed Yixing as if nothing.

The taxi driver helped him on his feet sitting him back in the vehicle. Yixing had started a nervous crying, he was excited but he knew that this would only bring him more trouble, now looking the way he looked, blood covering his mouth and jaw, drunk like a skunk... he didn’t care, he just wanted to see you at all costs.

Hyunsung was standing waiting for the taxi to come his way, he was trying to motion with his hands to drive slower, fearing to wake your parents.

Yixing opened the door of the car while still moving, the taxi driver was loosing his patience.

“Yixing son! What are you doing here?”

“I just want to see her, one last time, please!” He drunkly affirmed walking towards the door, but Hyunsung stopped him.

“Can I get paid and leave?” Asked the taxi driver pissed.

Hyunsung fished Yixing’s wallet from his back pocket while he tried to steady him. “How much do we owe you?”

“₩20,000.”

“Wow, quite pricey!”

“Well... I need to clean the mess your buddy here has done, besides this is a VIP taxi.”

“Sure... well you will have to wait here because we don’t have enough. Come on Yixing son, stay quiet in the kitchen while I get the money.” Advised Hyunsung throwing Yixing’s arm around his neck walking inside.

Once inside he sat him down shushing him before he went to get the taxi fare, Yixng leaned on the table, he was still sobbing and of course the rest of the house would hear him any moment.

“Yixing son please, stop! Sajang-nim is here and if he hears you... I’ll go pay the taxi now please stay quiet.”

Hyunsung paid the taxi driver and came back.

“Come let me see your injuries” He said lifting Yixing’s face. “Nothing major I see you might of bitten your lip a bit harshly. I will clean you and offer you a glass of water and then you should call your friends to collect you. I can do nothing more.”

“___! I want to see ___!”

“Yixing!” Whisper-shouted Hyunsung. “This so unlike so you Yixing, don’t make me regret opening the door for you, I will get in big trouble.”

At that very moment they heard the door of the kitchen opening and your dad tying up his robe, his facial expression unreadable.

“What is all this?”

“Sajang-nim, I am sorry, I just had to see what the matter was with Yixing.”

“It’s almost 1 AM.” Said your father not very happy. 

Yixing stood up and went on his knees, he kneeled to the floor grabbing your dad’s feet crying desperately. “Please, just let me see her, I will leave after, I will leave forever, but I need to see her.”

Your father bent down patting on Yixing’s shoulder. “Stand Up!” He demanded firmly cutting Yixing’s sobs making him raise his head meeting your father’s eyes. “Don’t you ever act this weak ever again! You hear me Zhang Yixing?!”

Yixing nodded his eyes doubling in size, he knew he’d gone too far and then his tears started flowing again sounding like a desperate little girl crouching on the floor.

“Hyunsung thanks, you may go back to bed I will take it from here.”

Once alone, your father patted on Yixing’s back. “Now stop it!”

“And so you will let me see her? Please, please I will do anything.”

“You are drunk and you are hurt somewhere, I really don’t know how you thought doing something like this would make me let you see ___.”

As your father kept speaking Yixing stomach flipped and your father saw it coming, he pulled Yixing just in time guiding him to the small toilet, Yixing vomited inside the toilet bowl as your father held his head still until he was done. 

“What have you drank there son? You are one of those people that drink till they get to this stage? What else I didn't see? It’s like you are this person I don’t know and trusted and...” 

Yixng leaned on the basin looking down, he’s somehow sobered, even though he was still dizzy and didn’t know how he got there. If he had a chance before, he’s blowed all his chances now. He saw your father’s hand opening the tap bringing his head down and forcing it under the ice cold water to run on his head.

“Wash and call Junmyeon to collect you. I’ll go make you some coffee.”

Yixing washed his face trying not to cry, he willed himself to swallow his tears but as his knees shook and his mind started coming back to him he felt worst than before drinking. Here he was, at your home, creating a scene, vomiting and definitely the in the worst shape he’s ever been exposed in front of your father. What else could go wrong?

He washed his face and dried his hair with the towel realising there was a female voice talking to your father, of course it was his worst nightmare your mother. He fixed his har and tried to clean the blood stains from his shirt, he opened the door walking outside realising he couldn’t walk properly. He cleared his throat and made his way to were they were standing next to the coffee machine. 

“Oh look there he is, the filthy rat that that dares coming here looking like the beggar he is, drunk and creating a scene. How dare you coming here in the middle of the night-”

“Marie! Enough.” He shut her and proceeded in offering a cup to Yixing. “Here son, drink it all it’s a double shot of espresso, it should help.”

Yixing nodded taking the cup and drinking it in one go, he set it in the table never making eye contact with any of them.

“Right so what are you waiting for? We have been way to nice to you. Now fucking call someone to collect you! No! Where is Hyunsung? Let him drop him out of here!” Your mother’s tone getting louder.

Yixing took his phone out and searched for Junmyeon’s phone number, he just needed to press but he sighed and looked up meeting your parents gazes, your father’s gentle and worried completely the opposite to your mother’s. He chew on the inside of his cheek trying to speak but deciding against it, the alcohol still very present in his system. He swallowed and looked at his phone again not wanting to call Junmyeon. Not just yet.

“What are you fucking waiting for? Give me that phone!”

“Marie please, let him speak.” You father turned to Yixing again. “Son you want to say something?”

“I- I- sajang-nim... while I am here... maybe...”

Your mother walked towards Yixing and poked on his chest with her pointer finger. “You-are-never-going-to-see-her-again!” She was walking making him walk backwards. “UNDERSTOOD?”

With that last comment Yixing tripped over falling backwards banging his head on the hard flooring of the kitchen.

“Marie! Marie move away! What are you doing?” Shouted your father going on his knees. “Yixing! Yixing?” Called your father desperately shaking Yixing’s shoulders.

“Did he die? Why isn’t he responding?” Asked your mother coldly.

“Hyunsung! Hyunsung!” Exclaimed your father as he patted on Yixing’s cheeks gently to make him regain consciousness.

“Yes sajang-nim!”

“Pick him up and take him to the guest’s room upstairs!”

“What? No! Call his fried and ask him for his address so Hyunsung can dump him there” Suggested your mother.

“If you don’t shut up Marie you will be the one leaving this house.” Concluded your father following Hyunsung that carried Yixing upstairs.

She was left speechless, she scoffed and looked at the ceiling not believing what she heard, her beloved Changwook, speaking to her the way he did in front of the driver... She leaned on the kitchen counter thinking she was loosing territory, that this will definitely play against her cause. She looked at the floor and noticed a small stain of blood knowing exactly that it must of been from Yixing’s head. She swallowed thickly and suddenly she felt this feeling she never thought she would.

Worry.

Genuine worry for the boy that was causing her nightmares... But also the reason of your ultimate happiness.

Your happiness.

Your happiness that she had just caused him an injury in his head.

She ran outside the kitchen and went straight to the visitor’s room upstairs hearing your father giving commands to Hyunsung. She held her breath sinking her nails on the wall behind her. She took a deep breath before peeking inside the room watching your father carefully undress Yixing.

“I- I think his head...” she whispered opening the door.

Your father turned to see your mother standing at the door. “His head?”

“There was blood in the floor.”

Your father checked and indeed saw a small cut. “Oh my god! Call the doctor Marie don’t just stand there!”

You woke up when you heard a car pulling over in the driveway of your house, the reflexion of the headlights on the ceiling of your room. You were cold, cold and your heart stung more than usual.

“Thanks doctor for coming.” You heard your father say.

Your doctor was there? But why? You haven’t complained about anything unusual to have him coming this late at night, and your parents weren’t even near you.

You shoved the duvet aside and tiptoed your way to your door peeking outside, the corridor of your house was very long but you recognised your mother standing outside the visitor’s room, she looked uneasy, not in her usual self, not for something not related to your health.

A couple of minutes later your father and your doctor appeared, your father looking angry and not wanting to look at your other. What was happening?

Your father proceeded in guiding the doctor to his office and your mother followed them quietly. When they closed the door you found the opportunity to sneak in that room. You put your robe on and tiptoed your way to see that mysterious visitor.

Could it be? But why would he...

You pushed the door open and you saw Yixing lying down in the bed covered with a thin sheet, his cheeks rosey and you just couldn’t believe what he was doing there and why he looked the way he looked.

You heard the door of your father’s office opening and as an instinct you entered the visitor’s room and locked it behind you leaning on the door, your breath getting laboured not knowing what to do.

You heard footsteps and the doorknob of the room moving trying to enter.

“It’s locked!” Exclaimed your father form outside.

“How? I didn’t lock it!” Said your mother.

“___? Are you there?” 

“What happened to him?” You inquired from behind the door.

“Open the door honey.”

“No! Tell me why is he here looking like this?”

“He is alright he just fell and fainted.” Affirmed your father still trying to open the door.

“I will take care of him leave us alone.” You plainly stated.

“___! Open the door!” Your mother’s firm voice.

“NO!”

“Leave her Marie, leave them alone.” 

When you heard your father’s gentle voice suggesting to leave you alone you gained more courage and ignored them. You turned to Yixing untying your robe and without thinking it twice you got under the covers with Yixing. You cupped his face and kissed his cheeks looking at him and caressing his forehead before resting your head on his chest, forcing his lifeless arm to wrap around you.

“What have they done to you? Tell me what happened? Oppa tell me! Open your eyes!” You pleaded burying your face on his chest, your hand caressing his bare chest. “I missed you you know? Like I think really nothing is worth it if you aren’t near me. Don’t leave me, let’s escape, let’s go to China, I would love to meet your mom, I will make you happy I promise!”

Your parents heard you and they knew that it was going to be stupid trying to separate you from him.

You looked up again and now you kissed his lips slowly running your fingers through his hair, you then noticed a dressing on his head worrying you more. “Yixing oppa, I will get mad if you don’t open your eyes again. Please tell me you are alright.”

You then felt his arms wrapping around your waist, a smile drawing on his face. “Aren’t you supposed to keep kissing me until I open my eyes m’lady?”

“Oppa~~~ oppa!”

“Kiss here.” He pointed with his index finger at his lips.

You smiled and lowered yourself brushing your lips against his, your eyes wide open.

“Your kiss is so bad, I guess I will faint again until you kiss me properly.” He teased speaking in your mouth.

“Oppa!”

Yixing flipped you over forcing your mouth open, he tasted funny but you let him lead you. “I missed you my beautiful butterfly.”

His hand already at your centre making you gasp, his hard erection poking your thigh. How did all this escalate so quick? Wasn’t he just unconscious? He was acting weird, he wasn’t himself...

“Oppa?”

“What? Don’t you miss me?”

“I do but, you smell funny, and your mouth...” You tried straightening yourself but he pulled you back down now him straddling you looking at your innocent expectant expression. “Oppa?”

“___, I am drunk, I am sorry.” He sat back on the bed covering his face with his hands.

“It doesn’t matter, you are here with me, and my parents know, and I am going to spend the night with you on this bed, let’s cuddle till you sober up.” 

You pulled his arm and placed your head back on his chest kissing his soft skin. He kissed the crown of your head and fell heavily asleep in less than 2 minutes.

*****

Yixing opened his eyes and found you cuddled up on his chest, your legs curled up with his and the biggest headache he’s ever had the bad luck to experience present.

*Knock on the door*

__________________________

A/N: Long overdue, drama far from over.

Thanks for reading, feedback always welcomed ^_^

[blustersquall]

Only Make Believe // Chapter 8: Arienne’s Lament

First // ArchiveOfOurOwn  // FanFiction.net // Master Post // Previous // Next

December 19th

--

Nevena returned the leather bound journal she was eyeing up back to the stall where she found it, smiled awkwardly at the woman selling, and shuffled along to the next stall. She would come back and buy it - she was after a new journal anyway and it wasn't like the woman or the stall were going anywhere. The market was an Edgehall staple according to Ineria. People from all over came to shop, especially just before Christmas.  It was also busier than usual because this was the last market there would be in Edgehall before the New Year - so many people were finishing off their last minute purchases.

Next to the stall selling leather bound books and journals was a glassware stall, where to the far back one man was shaping white hot glass; and another stood at the forefront, showing hand blown baubles to a woman in a bright red coat. Beside that was a stall selling jars of sweets in different sizes. There were stalls set up all over the main highstreet and in front of the shopping centre and people bustled around trying to get from one to the other. Nevena was alone, having become separated from her sisters, her parents, and Cullen when they arrived and was enjoying the solitude for now - even if she wasn't enjoying the being bumped into and the disapproving glares.

Visiting the market was Ineria's idea, and it was a good one. Denerim had a weekly market, but it was nothing like this, where it was bustling and nothing was the same, everything was bespoke and original. Nevena always enjoyed outdoor markets because of the variety and the choice - given enough time she always found something that caught her eye and she would take home. She remembered markets in Ostwick where she had grown up. They were larger than this, and there was always entertainment for children while the parents shopped. She hadn't been back to Ostwick since she moved to Denerim. Sometimes she thought about taking a short trip for a few days, going back and seeing what had happened to her childhood home. The idea never came to fruition. It wasn't as though there were a lot of happy memories in Ostwick, anyway.

The atmosphere was just delightful too. Since the prior evening and the long discussion they had, the air in the cabin and between Cullen and Nevena was a little tense. Maybe, in part, because he’d divulged so much personal information, but Nevena believed it was more to do with how much better she knew him now. It was almost like he was waiting for her to tell him something about herself. That now he shared his past with her, it was her obligation to do the same. He didn't say it, but that was the impression Nevena got.

She wanted to. She didn't like clamming up every time the thought of her ex or the mere hint of him came up. And she felt like she owed Cullen a more personal insight into the person she was. He was honest and upfront with her, after all. There was that fear, though. Roselyn knew the truth about her past relationship and the personal revelations that came before the breakup. Roselyn knew, because Nevena trusted her implicitly and because she knew Roselyn wouldn't judge. Alistair knew bits and pieces, because Roselyn told him when Nevena said she could.

Telling Cullen... would open a whole new can of worms. She didn't want him to judge her harshly for her behaviour. She didn't want him to see her in a negative light or to turn on her because she didn't act in the best way when she ended things.

His opinion mattered. The way he felt towards her mattered. She hated to admit it to herself, but the way he looked at her mattered. He looked at her with warmth and softness. A look that had been absent from her last relationship and the last three years. Every time she saw it, her insides squirmed and the hairs all over her body prickled. She blushed around him like an inexperienced school girl and it was humiliating, thrilling, and completely inappropriate.

The previous night, she had gone to bed repeating over and over that their relationship was fake. It was an arrangement and that she needed to get control of herself. If she didn't... She was worried that when their contract came to an end, it would hurt more than it should. She couldn’t afford to grow fond of him and get tingly whenever he was within arm’s reach. No matter how nice it felt now, it would end, and possibly end badly. She did not want that. Not when she believed and hoped maybe when all was said and done they could be friends. Friends would be enough - at least that was what she tried to convince herself of. He wouldn't want her anyway, not if he knew the truth.

Feeling weary, she found a seat on one of the benches dotted randomly between stalls and sat on the edge. An old man beside her rustled his newspaper noisily as though her sitting disturbed him. She scooted further to the edge putting space between them until she was all but hanging off the bench. He grumbled under his breath and opened his arms to better read his newspaper. Nevena's face warmed and she stared down at her hands, debating whether to apologize for disturbing him.

Maker, she was a feeble excuse for a human being.

"Nevena?" Hearing her name she turned her head in the direction of the voice. Standing about five feet away was her mother, , wrapped up warmly in a thick navy coat and a fur lined hood. Her mother was always well dressed and now was no different. She reminded Nevena of glamorous old movie stars who retired into obscurity.

"Hey," she waved and got to her feet.

"Horses eat hay, Nevena." Katrin remarked approaching her. "Say 'hello'."

"Sorry..." Nevena smiled warily. She slipped her hands into the pockets of her winter jacket before she saw her mother purse her lips at the gesture and quickly removed them. "Uhm... where's dad?" Nevena asked. Last time she had seen her parents, they were together and being dragged somewhere by Clotilde and Owen.

"Talking to your sister." Katrin addressed Nevena but didn't so much as glance at her. She was looking around at the people, the stalls, the goings on around her with something like a sneer of distaste on her face. As if being around so many people was personally insulting to her.

"Oh." Nevena nodded.

"Stop slouching." Katrin grabbed Nevena's shoulders. "Oh - and don't flinch, for goodness's sake, I'm not going to hit you."

"Sorry, sorry!" Allowing her mother to adjust her stance was easier than arguing, Nevena learned that some time ago. She stood still while Katrin straightened her shoulders, prodded her stomach until Nevena breathed in, and nudged her back until it was straight. It was a ritual Nevena remember from her childhood and it still hurt even to this day to keep her back as ridged as she did now.

"What were you doing?"

"Sitting."

"Don't be clever, Nevena. It doesn't suit you." Katrin started walking and Nevena followed like an obedient spaniel - all she was missing was the collar and leash. The sea of people parted for Katrin as though there was an invisible barrier around her that pushed them aside. Nevena was slightly in awe of it. Katrin never moved for other people, even in a busy situation such as this. They moved for her. And if they did not, Katrin could simply glare them into submission. "Now, what are you buying Cullen for Christmas? Or have you already bought him something?"

Nevena came to her mother's side when she stopped to look over a silversmith's stall. There were trays of rings, bracelets, necklaces all in different sizes and styles for both men and women. Katrin picked up a copper bangle similar to one Nevena's father wore. Apparently it warded off gout and other ailments.

"I don't know." Nevena shrugged her shoulders and immediately winced. She waited for the reprimand from her mother, relaxing after a few seconds when it didn't come. Katrin was too occupied by the stall. "I hadn't thought about it."

"You hadn't thought about?" Katrin looked at her, a fine brow arched. She was not an ugly woman, or even a nasty woman but she had been brought up with certain standards she was expected to meet, and she inflicted those same standards on her daughters. Nevena never came close to Katrin's expectations and it caused a rift between them from as early in her childhood that Nevena could remember. Katrin's upbringing also caused her to be quite aloof towards her children. She was never warm, or one for physical affection. She never read to Nevena or her sisters when they were young, or coddled them after a nightmare. She loved them - at least Nevena believed she loved them - but she was not a kindly person to be brought up by.

"No," Nevena said. "Neither of us are particularly big on gift giving." She lied, hoping the explanation would be satisfactory.

"Odd," Katrin sniffed primly. She put the bangle back where she found it and picked up another bracelet of thick silver with a rope pattern etched into it. "You should. You'll never keep someone like that happy with just yourself, Nevena."

Nevena stared ahead for a moment, stunned. The man behind the stall, who was clearly not trying to be obvious while listening to their conversation, looked between her and Katrin, before turning to address another customer. Nevena blinked hard, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Katrin put the bracelet down. "Well, don't get defensive, darling." She pinched the end of Nevena's chin. "I simply mean you'll have to try hard to keep his interest. Attractive men like him - they get bored and," Katrin looked her up and down, "he could do better."

"Wow," Nevena scoffed, torn between feeling appalled, insulted, and angry. "That's..." She puffed her cheeks out. "Yeah. That's... something." She stepped away from her mother. "I'm going to go. Now. Before I do or say something I'll regret."

Katrin watched her backstepping into the people walking past, "You're being too sensitive. I'm trying to help."

"Didn't ask, mum," Nevena turned on her heel. "Didn't ask." She elbowed her way into the throngs of people, hoping that the numbers would help her disappear. Now irritated and fuming she walked against the flow of people, hoping to put as much space between herself and Katrin. She wasn't sure what she was expecting. Katrin rarely had anything nice to say about anyone, but Nevena remembered being on the receiving end of her mother's snide and underhanded comments far more than her sisters.

It made sense, if she rationalized it. Ineria was the oldest and the most like Katrin in looks and personality. Clotilde was the over achiever when she was at school and never put a foot wrong. Arienne was the angel of the four of them. She was blameless in everything she did - even if something going wrong was her fault, Arienne never got into trouble. And then there was Nevena herself. The last child - and one that arrived as a replacement for the son her parents lost not long before. At least, that was what Nevena believed. She’d never approached her parents about it, she knew it was a difficult subject, even now. And even though her parents were not the warmest of people, they were not made of stone. If they had survived the loss of a child, Nevena was not cruel enough to open old wounds for her own sense of self.

Nevena realised she was puffing as she walked and quickly ducked to the side of the market between two stalls. She fished her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through the list of names.

[Nevena] Hey, this place is a madhouse. Where are you? Need to ask about something.

She sent the message and waited for a response. Stuffing her hands in her pockets - extra deep, just to spite her mother - she turned on the spot, first one way and then the other. She stood on her toes and craned her neck trying to see over the people coming and going in the hopes she might spot Cullen.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket.

[Cullen] There's a wood working stall near the far end towards the ice rink. I'm with Rowan. You alright?

Nevena smiled to herself. She liked that he was spending time with one of her nephews. She liked more how he asked after her. Even if it was just out of politeness and there was no real sentiment behind it, the question still made her stomach wriggle happily. She ignored it and tapped out a reply.

[Nevena] I'm okay. You? You're not stressed with the amount of people? Let me know if you need to get some space, or something. I'm coming to the stall. Don't move.

After sending the message, she stepped back into the steady stream of people and began to weave through their bodies. She inched around people crowding around different stalls, excused herself and apologized when people bumped into her. She was small, after all, and everyone was distracted by the stalls and shiny things being presented to them. Her phone vibrated again in her pocket but she chose not to read it until she wasn't surrounded by people. Knowing her luck she would get bumped and her phone would go flying.

It took a good ten minutes for her to find the woodworking stall. It was at the completely opposite end of the market from where she started and people did not move, even when asked repeatedly. The wood carving stall was set a little further away from the others and out of the main thoroughfare, but there were a number of customers looking at the good laid out on a large number of tables. There were wooden ornaments in the shape of ducks, chickens, owls and other birds that were for gardens. Several large benches made out of drift wood were currently being bartered over, and there was a wire tree erected on one table to display small wooden Christmas tree decorations.

Cullen stood with Rowan at one table, the two of them looking pensive and staring down at the space between them. As Nevena approached she noticed between them was a beautifully hand carved chess set, with the pieces carved in the same coloured woods as the board squares. She picked up one of Rowan's discarded knights to look more closely. She could make out the mane of the horses head detailed in the wood, even the eye and the nostrils. Each piece was lovingly crafted and could stand alone as pieces of art.

"Who’s winning?" Nevena asked, putting the piece down.

"He is," Rowan groaned, huffing.

"To be fair," Cullen smirked, "Rowan's giving me a run for my money. He has a lot of interesting strategies."

"Good job," Nevena ruffled her nephew's hair.

Rowan batted her hand away, smoothed his hair down and then reached out a hand. His fingers hovered over a bishop for a few seconds, then moved to a pawn. He moved it one square and grinned at Cullen, smugly.

Cullen leaned back to survey the board. "Checkmate." He moved a rook into position.

"What?!" Rowan gaped. "Where?"

"Here." Cullen pointed to the rook. "Here," to his Queen, "and here." He pointed to a bishop. "Sorry."

Rowan knocked his King piece over with a flick of his index finger. "Stupid game, anyway."

"Rowan..." Nevena shook her head watching him as he dashed away towards the ice rink. "Sore loser."

"Should I have let him win?" Cullen asked, rubbing the back of his neck. "I let him win a couple before this."

Nevena squinted at him. "How many games have you played?"

"Four," Cullen smiled. "Would you care for a game?" He gestured to the board with an open hand. "I'll go easy on you."

"Gee, thanks." Nevena made a face in reply and started to set up the black pieces on her side of the board. "I think I remember the rules. This should be interesting."

Chuckling, Cullen straightened his pieces and waited for Nevena to finish setting her own up. "I used to play far more than I do now," he explained. He pushed one pawn forward one space. "My parents taught us, and my older sister would get this smug grin on her face whenever she won, which was all the time." Nevena moved one of her own pawns. "I practiced with my brother day and night." Cullen brought his Queen out on a diagonal.

"Bringing out the big guns?"

"Maybe," he grinned. "I can still remember the look on my sister's face the day I finally won."

"I bet you're a terribly smug winner." Nevena moved another pawn to block his Queen.

"Checkmate." Cullen moved the Queen across the white diagonal squares to the edge of the board. He pointed at the direction it could move in to capture Nevena's King.

"Ah..." Nevena's mouth fell open. "How... I mean..." She shook her head. "That was three moves. You must have cheated."

Cullen laughed, a deep rumbling chuckle, "I can. But with you I don't think I need to."

"You were distracting me!" Nevena pointed out. "Another game. I want to play white this time."

"As you wish." Cullen bowed graciously and turned the board around so the white pieces were in front of Nevena. She moved the pieces back into place. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked, waiting with folded arms for Nevena to move her piece.

"I had an... interesting conversation with my mother."

"Really?" snorted Cullen.

"I won't go into it." Nevena pushed a pawn forward. "But she did make a point. Have you thought about Christmas presents?"

"Not really." Cullen moved a pawn two spaces and leaned back. "What about them?"

"Well, she asked me what I was getting you. When I said nothing, I said it was because we're not really much into gift giving."

"Okay."

"But," Nevena nudged another pawn out of formation onto the next square. "The more I think about it, the more I think it will look kind of weird if we don't have at least something for each other to open on Christmas day. Even if it's something stupid and small."

Cullen moved a bishop across the board. "Okay." Nevena brought out a knight. "Makes sense. It would look kind of off." He moved his Queen across the board.

"So, ground rules." Nevena frowned at the board, tapping her fingers on a pawn yet to move. "Nothing lavish. Nothing super expensive. Something silly would be fine. But just something so no one gets... weird." She finally moved another pawn.

"Weird would be bad." Cullen's initial pawn jumped onto a square Nevena's pawn occupied. He disposed of her white piece beside the board. "What if I pretended to propose?" he smirked.

Nevena’s face exploded with heat and she stared at him, unable to conceal her shock and disbelief. Even though she knew he was in no way serious, the expression on his face gave her pause for a few heartbeats. Then she shook her head. "Don’t even joke about that. My family would never forgive me if I ended another engagement. Even a fake one."

"Fair enough," Cullen chuckled. "Oh, and checkmate."

Nevena stared down at the board and she planted her hands on the table. "I hate you."

"That's uncalled for," teased Cullen. "I'll have to teach you."

"Don't mock me. You'll make me laugh, bitterly." Nevena leaned across the table, chin lifted in a challenge. "Let's do something I'm good at."

"All right." Cullen mirrored her, leaning on the opposite side and inching forward. He clicked his tongue and his mouth slipped into a crooked smile which made Nevena’s stomach drop to her knees. "What did you have in mind?"

What Nevena had in mind was something Cullen was not skilled at in any way and realised very quickly she vastly outmatched him. He stood outside of the barrier of the ice rink, rental skates yet to be put on, at the ground by his feet. From his vantage point he had a good view of the whole rink. From afar it did not appear very big, but up close Cullen realised it stretched approximately the length and width of a football field. A small section at one end was cordoned off for young children using their parents or penguin shaped aids to keep their balance. The rest of the area was open to skaters and despite how busy the market was, the ice rink was not over populated.

Dotted around on the ice were stewards in luminous yellow jackets. Whenever anyone fell over or people collided, they were with them in seconds to help them off the ice and deal with any issues or injuries. When they weren't dealing with patrons, they were skating around and offering advice those on the ice having trouble with balance or speed.

Nevena did not need any assistance; not a hand to hold or a word of instruction though one steward offered it when she first stepped on the ice. When Arienne mentioned that Nevena could skate Cullen assumed she meant Nevena could stay upright and go forward at speed without crashing. It turned out she could do that and more.

After making a couple of circuits on the ice, as if to get comfortable on the skates, Nevena’s legitimate skill became very clear. She made circuits going backwards, watching out for other skaters behind her and weaving in between them without tripping and without hesitation. When space allowed she jumped small distances, hopping off one skate to land on the other. A few times Cullen watched her go into fast spins, drawing her arms into her body and spreading them again to go back into a normal forward skate. She was quick, and agile, and wore an expression of pure joy on her face whenever Cullen glimpsed it.

He took his phone from his pocket and followed her with the camera, snapping a few photographs and recording a short video while he watched. He was not eager to go onto the ice. Snow he could handle, but skating was something he had tried only once in his teens and could not remember enjoying much. The option to skate was there, and he knew it would be a shame to waste the opportunity. He was simply gathering his courage. Even if Dante was proving he had more courage by venturing into the child's area without assistance.

"She's good, isn't she?" Cullen stopped the video he was recording when he heard Arienne's voice. She leaned on the barrier next to him and looked out over the ice rink. Immediately Cullen's guard was up. Since his conversation with Clotilde, there had not been an opportunity for him to talk to any of Nevena's other sisters. He was grateful, given how the discussion with Clotilde went. Ineria and Clotilde certainly seemed to be the least kind of the three. Arienne, at least from what Cullen had seen of her so far, just seemed flighty and excitable, not particularly threatening.

"Yes." He put his phone in his pocket. "When you said she skated at a championship level, I thought you might have been over playing it." He watched Nevena zip past them, blonde hair blowing over her face. "But I can see she really knows what she's doing."

"Did you get some good photos?"

"I think so." Cullen half-smiled. "I hope so."

"Me too." Arienne tucked a tuft of hair behind her ear. "Nevena's never liked being photographed. And we don't have any up-to-date ones of her."

"Oh." Cullen chewed his bottom lip for a moment. "Well, if she's happy with them, maybe she'll let me get a couple printed and you can have a more recent photo?"

Arienne's mouth broke into a beaming smile, "I hope so!" She touched Cullen's arm. "It's really good to see her again. After so long... and only getting the occasional email... I was starting to worry." She looked back over the ice rink and waved. Cullen followed the direction and saw Nevena skating backwards with Matilda's hands in hers, guiding the girl over the ice.

Cullen held his tongue as long as possible, a question almost scalding his mouth with its urge to be asked. "Why did you only start to worry after almost three years?" He closed his eyes for a moment cursing his curiosity and the apparent lack of self control he normally prided himself on. Asking personal questions abruptly was normally not his style.

He waited for Arienne to snap at him, or to tell him it was none of his business. After a few seconds he let out a breath he was holding and chanced to look at her. He saw an expression of disquiet on her face. It didn't suit Arienne at all to look so perturbed and uneasy. She picked the nails on her hands one after the other, shifted her weight and sighed. Each gesture almost made to build up her own courage to speak.

"She stopped skating because of Rick." Arienne said finally. She did not look at Cullen, rather she kept her gaze out over the ice rink. "He wanted her to stop doing a lot of things, and she did. I asked her why once... she just shrugged."

"She stopped skating because of her ex?" Cullen repeated, leaning on the barrier and turning his body to face her. "She's not talked about him much."

"That doesn't surprise me," Arienne smiled a little. "Rick was... bad for Nevena. They were set up on a blind date by our dad, and Rick fell so hard and so fast for Nevvie, it was kind of alarming. She wasn't that interested in him, but our dad kept pushing her to go out on dates with Rick, and she did, to keep him happy. I think she got kind of trapped into the relationship because of dad. She stopped telling us she didn't really like him. We thought she'd just warmed up to him."

His brow furrowed, Cullen adjusted his stance and crossed his arms. He found it odd that Arienne was being so open with him regarding Rick. The rest of Nevena's family seemed defensive about him. To hear anything that was not a resounding compliment about Rick was a surprise.

He did not want to let the chance to find out more get away from him. "Did you like him? Rick, I mean?"

"Not really," Arienne shrugged. She clasped her hands in front of her. "He always struck me as kind of a child. He lived on his dad's money and was certain he was going to inherit from him." She paused and pursed her lips. "They weren’t a good match.”

"How so?" Cullen arched a brow. He looked out over the ice rink to see where Nevena was. Last thing he wanted was for her to over hear him and Arienne discussing her personal life without her knowledge. Somehow he doubted that would go over well. He spotted her still with Matilda half way across the ice. "Just little things." Arienne said after a lengthy silence. "He was so protective of her... too much, really. Whenever we would all get together, he never left her alone. And he would get upset if she went off to do something without him, so she stopped.  He didn’t like her skating, so she quit.  She even stopped wearing dresses, and shorts in the summer because he didn't like other people staring."

"Is this what Nevena told you?"

Arienne shook her head. "No, this is stuff I noticed. Mum's birthday is in July, and one year it was boiling hot. It was just us, and Nevena was wearing a summer dress, not even terribly revealing and around family..." She laughed weakly. "He looked odd when she came out, and practically dragged her out of the room.  I thought he was just... you know,” she blushed, “but I overheard him later... I swear, I thought he was going to have a stroke. He was so mad at her."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I never really questioned it. I thought it was just a one-time thing. I agreed with my sisters, my parents, that he was just being a good partner, worried about her." Her mouth quirked to one side. "Monty and I had marriage counselling a year ago. It was only through that, and personal one-on-one therapy I realised what was really going on.

"I see..." Cullen rubbed his chin. He turned to face out onto the ice again uncertain what to say. If there even was anything to say. This was sensitive information. Information he would have preferred to hear from Nevena, but the more Arienne told him the more he was beginning to understand Nevena's reluctance to talk about her past with Rick.

"I should have put it together sooner. I'm ashamed, really," Arienne told him after they stood for a while in silence. When Cullen looked at her, he could see her cheeks were flush with colour and her eyes were glassy. "When she broke it off with him I didn't support her. I joined everyone else in telling her what a mistake it was." She shook her head, "I even gave him one of her new phone numbers after she blocked him for the third or fourth time. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Arienne," Cullen sighed bowing his head. He clasped his hands and wound his fingers together. "If you're looking for some sort of absolution or forgiveness, you really should be talking to Nevena."

"I know." She turned to him. "And I want to. But..." She bit her lip and ruffled her hair. "Honestly, I feel like I left it too long. It's been three years. For the first year, I didn't hear from her at all. What if it's too little, too late?"

Cullen released a slow breath and closed his eyes for a moment. How, in the Maker's name, had he allowed himself to become a sounding board for her? He was getting in too deep, learning too much about Nevena from other sources. Even if what Arienne said was true, and Cullen did not want to doubt her, how much of it was embellished and how much of it was underplayed? Nevena and Rick’s relationship was over three years ago - how good could Arienne's memory be? How honest and factual could her account be? Was it reliable? Was her approaching him like this a test, to see if he agreed or would buckle? Given how Clotilde spoke to him he was not willing to put such a ploy past her.

He ran his fingers through his hair, scratching the back of his head and craning his neck, stretching. "I don't think Nevena is the kind of person who wouldn't accept an apology. If it's genuine and sincere," he explained measuring each word as he said it. "No matter how much time it's been." Turning to face Arienne he levelled her with a hard stare. "But you should be talking to Nevena about this. Not me. I'm not going to be an adjudicator between you. You're her sister, and I don't want to be in the middle." Cullen hoped his tone added an essence of finality to his words.

Before Arienne could speak again, Nevena skidded up to the barrier her face flushed scarlet, hair a tangled mess and a broad smile on her face. "Come on." She grabbed Cullen's forearms. "Where are your skates?"

"On the ground by my feet," he replied, hoping he sounded as at ease as he was trying to come across. "Where I intend them to stay."

Nevena grunted a little. "Nooo!" she whined, dangling her head back dramatically while hanging onto the barrier. She span on the spot. "Don't be so lame. Come on!" She slid her feet back and forth several times on the ice. She remained in place, while giving the illusion of movement. "It's fun! I've got Matilda skating on her own, and she's never skated once!"

"Matilda is younger than me, and probably less likely to fall over."

"Excuses," Nevena retorted. She fixed him with a stare, and pouted. "C'mon, please? You said I could teach you if we went skating."

"I did, didn't I?" Cullen grimaced a little, while rubbing his forehead. He felt her eyes on him, and Arienne's, both boring into him. Burning right through him. With an exaggerated groan he dropped his hands to his sides, retrieved his skates from the ground and held them up as if to make a point. Nevena grinned, pleased with her apparent victory and almost appeared to bounce with excitement. She skated along the barrier, following Cullen as he went to an area where chairs were set up and skaters were either removing or putting on their skates.

After wrestling with the skates for a few minutes, disliking how the rentals pinched his heels and his toes all felt crammed together at the end, Cullen gingerly put one step on the ice. He held the barrier in tense fingers, feeling unsteady, like he would slip over at any moment. That feeling did not decrease when he put the other skate on the ice and inched forward without moving a toe. His grip on the barrier only increased in pressure and he could not bring himself to be even a little embarrassed about his trepidation.

Nevena did not help. She giggled about five feet away though - to her credit - tried to hide her amusement behind her gloved hands. When Cullen felt steady on his feet, or at least as steady as being on ice could feel, he glared at her.

"You're not helping."

"I'm sorry," Nevena pushed forward towards him. "You just look so afraid of the ice."

"I've skated once."

"We all start somewhere!" She shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, so try to stand up straight..." Nevena nudged his back. "Keep your knees soft, it'll give you more control about direction and balance. But back straight, bring your bum in..." She leaned back. "You're going to have to let go of the barrier eventually."

Cullen narrowed his eyes slightly and glanced between her face and her out stretched hands. Despite his uncertainty, he let go with one hand and quickly snatched up Nevena's hand in the hopes of keeping his balance. After a few seconds, he did the same with the other hand. He shuddered on the ice, skimming his feet back and forth to try and balance. He felt utterly ridiculous. Even as he grasped her hands he knew he must look like a fool. He was almost bent over at a ninety degree angle, his body practically parallel to the ice.

At least his knees were bent.

"Okay, we're going to start moving." He watched Nevena's skates slide back and forth. She skated backwards gently pulling him with her. The barrier was still within arm’s reach and each time Cullen's skates slipped a little he felt an over whelming panic and an urge to grab the edge of the rink to save himself from falling. Nevena held his hands gently but firmly. He could snatch his hand away if necessary, but she was in total control of guiding him. "Can you move your feet?"

"What'll happen?"

She laughed, "You'll create your own forward motion. It's just a pushing one skate at a time to the side to give you the projection." They began to follow the bend at one end of the rink. Cullen tightened his hold on Nevena's hands. "Try and stand up."

"This position feels fine."

"I know it does, but if you fall over in that position you're going to hurt yourself. You have more control over speed and movement by standing up right." Cullen's skates slipped over the ice as he tried to follow her request. He straightened, though could still feel he was lurching over a little at the waist. He saw Nevena checking behind her for people as she skated them both around. "Better?" she asked, glancing at him.

"I feel very stupid," said Cullen.

"Don't be harsh on yourself." Nevena slowed their speed a little and moved them a small distance from the barrier to go around a pair of younger children skating together. "When you skate on your own, you'll want to keep your arms out for balance."

"That's hilarious. I will not be skating on my own."

Nevena turned her gaze on him, determination etched on her face, "Oh, ye of little faith."

Over the course of two hours Cullen was able to find his own feet on the ice. Though not a hobby he would ever take up in the long term, he was beginning to see the attraction. It was good exercise, and a careful mixture of balance, weight, and concentration. He crashed into the barriers whenever he needed to stop - still not able to stop independently - but he considered skating at all to be quite an achievement. He never strayed far from the barriers, still automatically going to reach for them when he felt himself wobbling, and Nevena never strayed far from him. She skated within arm’s reach and seemed to have a sixth sense for when he was feeling shaky. Every few minutes as he skated alone she took his hand to take the pressure off so he could fix his posture and not worry so much about the impending fall onto the ice.

He had yet to fall. But it was coming. He knew it was coming. It was inevitable.

The transformation of Nevena here was immense. Much like when they went skiing, she was a different person. Here she was bright and effervescent. She was in her element and it showed on her face how much she was enjoying herself. There was no hint of the meekness and uncertainty he saw in her around her family. Even knowing her sisters and parents might be watching, on the ice she seemed to forget that she was under their critical gaze and she could relax.

The end of the ice rink which was cordoned off for young children was the part Cullen disliked most. There was no barrier from one side to the other, and that interval looked like an ocean and felt like it took a year to cross. He saw it coming up and flexed his fingers in anticipation. He followed the other skaters, shaking on his feet and turning at a wide angle. A young woman crossed in front of him, too close for his liking. Cullen tried to move out of the way, one skate slid out from under him. He reached for Nevena, grabbed her hand and in the time it took to blink found himself flat on his back on the ice and staring up at the grey sky.

He groaned, feeling a pain in his lower back. He could breath though, so clearly wasn't winded which he was grateful for. His hands were empty though and he patted them around blindly until he found the head and shoulders of Nevena, half way down his torso.

"Are you okay?" Nevena asked, lifting her head and pushing her hair out of her face. "That was quite a fall. Anything hurt?"

"My pride," Cullen said. "And my tail bone. Sweet Maker, that hurts."

"Ice does," Nevena remarked. She placed her hands on either side of Cullen's head and leaned over him.  "I think you'll live to fight another day."

Cullen rolled his eyes. Then a roguish smile came to his lips. "You know, Miss. Trevelyan, we really should stop meeting like this," he teased, chuckling softly.

Nevena lifted her brows, clearly surprised by his attempt at playfulness. She tutted a moment later, "well, Mr. Rutherford, how else am I meant to react if you insist on falling for me"Ugh." Cullen grinned.

"Bad?"

"Terrible."

"My work here is done," Nevena poked her tongue out.

Cullen laughed, pushing himself up onto his hands. One of the stewards skidded to a stop as Cullen sat up right. Nevena leaned back and the steward helped Cullen to his feet. He went for the barrier and held tight. The steward offered a hand to Nevena and Cullen watched her rise onto her knees and then to her feet. A look of pain shot across her face and she gasped.

"What's wrong?" asked the steward, putting himself between Nevena and Cullen as he brought her to the barrier.

"I must have landed on my ankle," Nevena explained.

Cullen pushed off from the barrier and skated around the steward to be the other side of Nevena so she now stood between himself and the steward. "Can you put any weight on it?"

"Not really." Nevena's cheeks were pink with embarrassment now. "It might just be twisted."

"Best get off the ice, take your weight off it," the steward told her.

Cullen saw Nevena's face fall. He had witnessed how much she loved the ice rink, and skating, and it was clear how much she did not want to leave it. She placed her right foot on the ice adding her weight and quickly removed it, gasping. "We can come back." Cullen said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We're here for a while yet."

"Yeah..." Nevena forced a smile. "I know."

"Best to get off the ice and make sure it's nothing serious," the steward added.

Nevena gave a resigned nod, her brows knitting together in a mixture of frustration and suppressed pain. "Okay." She looped one arm around the steward's shoulder and the other around Cullen's taking all the weight off her right foot. He slipped an arm around her waist, bringing her tight into his side. Together they escorted her to the nearest exit in the barrier and off the ice.

It did not escape Cullen's notice how all the enjoyment in Nevena's face and body seemed to drain away as soon as they hit solid ground. He removed his skates and pulled on his shoes in silence, almost able to feel her disappointment ebbing off her. He knelt down in front of her and began to unlace her boots.

"It's okay. I can--"

"Let me." Cullen lifted his head to look at her directly. "In case there's swelling." His fingers paused in the laces, stopped by the brief glimmer of a grateful smile that flitted across her lips.

"Thank you." Her shoulders sagged.

Leaning up on his knees, Cullen pushed her hair out of her face with one hand. "Any time." For a few seconds, time seemed to stop completely and he found he was torn. Torn between the laces in her skates, and the shape of her mouth. How kissable it looked, her lips slightly parted. It wasn’t just her lips that tempted him, he realised. It was everything about her as he peered up from the ground. Open, honest eyes, the flush to her cheeks, the way her hair was touseled, messy, and framed her features.

He could feel the thud of her pulse in her neck increase the longer they stared at each other, neither one breaking the gaze as it lengthened moment by moment. Her breath hitched when Cullen accidentl brushed her lower lip with the tip of his thumb.  Her eyelids fluttered and he felt her beginning to lean forwards moving closer to him.

The gleeful squeal of a child shocked him and he suddenly remembered where they were and their situation. The fog that invaded his mind lifted suddenly and Cullen broke the gaze, turning his attention back to her skates and her laces. He shook her head to clear his mind, and his stomach relaxed. When he glanced up at Nevena, breathing in deep, he saw her gaze was no longer on him. That she was staring into nothing and she was chasing her breath as if it was helping her centre herself.

Maker - he was tempted to kiss her. The tips of his ears and his neck were burning. He needed to get a grip, to be reasonable and stop his fanciful thoughts before he followed through with thim. Nevena was a client, just like any other client.

Whatever he felt for her, it was fake. It was all fake.

Thanks to everyone who reblogs/comments/shares this fic and the chapters. I appreciate it, so much. Especially considering how much the Dragon Age fandom has kind of died down. I’m grateful to the dedicated readers who take the time to read these chapters, and leave some kind of feedback. It matters, so much.

If you’re not comfortable reading on tumblr, then you can read this chapter on fanfiction.net and AO3 if you prefer.

Please let me know what you think, and I’ll have a new update soon.

[thewheezingwyvern]

omfg, you're abused? How? like wat happens in the house?

Yes, nons.  Primarily by my step dad.  As far as how well...

I live in a constant state of anxiety.  Unless my stepdad is out of town, from noon onwards I stay in a long anxiety attack because while he may not usually come home until fiveish, he can show up earlier.  If I hear a car door, I get jumpy and run to the front window to see if it’s him.  If he is home, I immediately shut myself in my room because often his first words to me will be snappish and maybe even finding something that he felt I should have done around the house (or did incorrectly) and get nasty with me for it.  I stay holed up in my room even when my mom tried to get me to come out and spend time with them because I don’t want to spend any kind of extended period of time with him.

I actually prefer him in a bad mood.  It sounds strange but when he’s in a good mood it’s harder to read him and he can turn on a dime.  I cannot count the amount of times that I’ve let it lull me into a false sense of security over the years and have conversations with him before something comes up that some how sets him off.  This even happened once when he had his friends over and nearly started a fight with me in the kitchen right next to our dining room and mom had to intervene to be the mediator.  She told us to both stop it and he even said, “No, no I will not.”.  I’d rather have him in a bad mood because then I can read him and predict when he’s going to be at his worst and react accordingly.  

I stopped inviting friends over a long time ago because they all, at some point or another, admitted to me that they felt uncomfortable in the house, especially around him.  Even other family members have admitted this to me.  I’ve grown more silent and with drawn about my opinions (but not all of them.  I’m a very vocal person about my opinions so it would take A LOT to silence me completely on them) because they are often very different from my step dad’s.  And instead of being an adult and agreeing to disagree he instead will treat it like I’m just young and inexperienced and I can’t possibly know anything about them even if it’s in areas that I have more experience than him in (like patient care in a hospital).

Speaking of hospital work, I started to talk less about my clinical rotations in school because if there was something that gave me a hard time (like a combative patient) he ALWAYS had some kind of answer to why things were that way and it’s really not as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be.  Actually that was not just restricted to hospital things.  Anything, really.  It didn’t matter how stressed I was or upset I was, there was always some kind of reason on why it’s not that big of a deal.  Even when I was looking at the very strong possibility of some unsavory classmates trying to sabotage me and my reputation in the hospital setting which could RUIN my chance at getting a job.

He has a better attitude towards the dogs than he does to me.  In fact, they are always the first ones he greets when he comes home.  Now I love my pets to death, they are amazing and like family.  But your daughter should not be an after thought to your pets.  He has also on more than one occasion deliberately embarrassed me in public and in front of family and friends in a way to control me to his liking.

I was informed once that both my parents felt that causing me LACERATIONS would be an acceptable form of punishment in certain situations.  And they said it without blinking and in a totally calm state of mind.  I may not ever do the things that they feel will warrant that but it does not make me feel safe knowing that they would be ok with that.

My step dad has this habit of whenever I make a mistake that he feels is obvious, I am shamed and told, “And you’re in college?” or “good going college girl.”.  If I DON’T ask though and I’m wrong I’m beaten back with, “Well did you ask?”.  He has also instilled in me that I have to be productive to be of worth.  I have anxiety attacks if I haven’t done anything productive for the day.  And speaking of productive, I have often cleaned the house as a bargaining chip to avoid his foul mood when he’s been in a particularly bad stretch of behaviour.  Sometimes I would STILL have anxiety that cleaning the whole house wasn’t productive enough.

I have one more thing to add on what happens in this house. There is more but I think this is enough to get my point across.  You know how whenever you go to like a holiday party with some extended family you don’t hang around much and you have to act differently than you normally would because they might not approve or to avoid clashing with different view points?  That’s how I live every day at home.  I have to put myself through a huge ass filter all the time and it is exhausting because I do not feel like I can be myself at all.

And a bit of advice?  One of the biggest lies you can ever be told is that abuse is ok because they love you and because their intentions are good.  Do not accept this because whether they love you or not, whether their intentions are good or not it is STILL harmful to you.  Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s ok.  Not even yourself.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 114, July 2018

On Sunday afternoon, we had my step-dad’s 60th birthday party. I often find parties and social gatherings to be very challenging on me mentally and emotionally. This weekend, I had the added complication of poor quality of sleep, low energy levels and chronic fatigue in the mix. So even putting up a few decorations required a lot of physical effort from me. And then there’s dealing with other people’s energies which leaves me feeling very drained and exhausted. None of this is anybody’s fault, it’s just the way I’ve been wired.

Thankfully we had the function at home so I could basically retreat and hibernate in my bedroom if things got too much for me. To an outsider, it may seem like I’m being anti-social or lazy but in actuality, it’s a combination of being introverted, shy, reserved, autistic, anxious and depressed that makes me feel this way. Still I’m learning to cope with it better. We had the party catered for by a caterer named Erica from the Finger Food People plus the cake and cupcakes were designed by my friend and former team-mate Cathy Horne.

On Monday night, I went to a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. I was still feeling very much tired and worn out after the hectic weekend I had and so I felt like I really needed more of a restorative practice tonight. The wind was howling loudly outside the studio and the walls were shaking a little but I was safe and sheltered inside. It was another intimate class tonight with just the two of us (we can make it if we try!). Tee Bee and I.

Tonight we did a number of restorative poses and Yin-style stretches including Seated Forward Fold, Bridge Pose and Waterfall, Deep Neck and Side stretches. As usual, the class brought up a lot of emotional issues festering inside of me which currently lies around my uncertainty about work and the future as well as my social skills and wanting to make more friends. https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/types-of-yoga/yin

(Why do I find it so hard to put myself out there and socialise? I wish I had more friends in my life. I wish I got to hang out more with them. I feel so powerless at work with all these roster and management changes. I can’t handle it. What’s wrong with me? I’m a doormat. I get so easily emotional whenever I make a mistake or somebody else insults me or I can’t answer a customer’s question. I feel so dumb sometimes. I’m lucky to still be working here.)

The above is pretty much what came up for me and is very typical of my thought patterns about myself, my situation at work and my social life. But yoga helps to turn these negatives into positives. To be able to let go of these stories which are holding me back in life, some of which are simply untrue. And it’s what I love about Aaron’s philosophy towards his yoga practice. He is always encouraging, supportive and accepting. Never judgmental or harsh or critical.  Thank you Aaron for being there for me. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Tuesday morning, I did my first Boxing / HIIT Power small group training session with CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. I’ve known Cinamon Guerin for about a year or two now from participating in her Body Combat classes at Casey Arc. Now she also runs a personal training business on the side with small groups of clients in her home garage. I’ve contemplated coming along to a class for a while now but it was either not the right time or life got in the way. But now I’m finally giving it a go. https://www.moneycrashers.com/health-benefits-boxing-workouts/

It was just myself and Sarah today who is one of Cinamon’s regular clients. After filling in my registration forms (I go into a lot of detail as always), I was ready to get started. We warmed-up by doing alternating exercises (Wall balls, Ball slams, Battle Ropes, Kettle Bell  Swings) at 30 seconds each. Next we did some weighted back squats and squat pulses, TRX exercises (Ring Rows, Squats, Lunges) and some lifts with the dumb bells (Bicep Curls, Overheads, Tricep Push-ups).

Lastly we did some basic boxing drills. I’m still fairly inexperienced when it comes to boxing though I have done a couple of group fitness boxing classes and a little with my personal trainer Mandi Herauville in the past. Thankfully Cinamon didn’t make it too difficult for us today. I gotta get back into the swing of things. I still have moments of self-consciousness whenever I’m workout out. Being comfortable with looking at myself in the mirror is still something I struggle with due to my body image issues and being overweight.

But it’s something I really want to work on and improve over time. One day at a time. The thing I love about Cinamon is her ability to make fitness enjoyable and accessible. It’s really tough work but the results you get from working out are worth it. My mental illness does have the tendency to interfere at times whenever I’m exercising, often to extremes like questioning whether I’m going to pass out or have a heart attack. It’s more than I’m still unfit at times and so it’s no surprise that I’m puffing and panting quite quickly.

These fears are irrational though as being out of breath, fatigued and profusely sweating are all normal by-products of working out. Of course you have to still be mindful about not overdoing it or causing yourself an injury. Cinamon constantly asks how we are feeling and that’s a sign of a great personal trainer. No client wants to be dragged off to Casey Hospital in a paramedic van because precautions weren’t taken during a session. And so in that sense, I feel very comfortable and secure with Cinamon training me. Personal safety should always come first. https://www.facebook.com/CinFullFitness/

On Thursday night, I attended the Young Adults AS Peer Group meeting at MS Australia - the Nerve Centre in Blackburn. Tonight’s discussion topic was on self-motivation which is something I’ve been struggling a lot with recently. My quality of sleep has been noticeably worse lately, dipping to around 4-5 hours per night with broken periods of me waking up at around 3-4am and then 6-7am. Sleep disturbances and insomnia is nothing new for me but it seems to be getting harder to manage of late.

Sleep deprivation really has a devastating affect on my moods, concentration levels and energy levels. Hence why it’s been difficult to motivate myself most days unless I have set appointments or shifts at work. But even then I notice that I’m tired, restless, irritable, moody and struggling to function at times. I have found that meditation, listening to calming music and going to bed helps to a certain degree but not always.

I honestly had mixed feelings about tonight’s meeting but I feel like a lot of it is clouded by my current mental state. Bumping into Gayle again, I felt really hesitant like I was walking on eggshells around her and didn’t want to draw her attention. I decided to sit by myself after I arrived but it didn’t take long for Gayle to drag me out of my chair. I did appreciate her trying to encourage me to mingle with a couple of new “Aspies” but sadly it fell flat for me.

I almost felt like saying “Hi I’m Michael. I’m socially awkward and introverted. Nice to meet you.” Because that’s exactly how I feel inside in any group situation. But thankfully Max was lingering around to make socialising a bit easier for everyone before the meeting started. Gayle’s proposal was still haunting me in the back of my mind. I just know that I don’t have the social skills, the personality nor the confidence to be a group leader hence why I’ve been so evasive and dismissive about it. However, they are things I really do need to work on.

The meeting itself ran alright. We got divided into three separate discussion groups like last time. I ended up being in Max’s group outside on the sofas. Though I personally only came up with one decent suggestion to contribute, we still managed to get some great ideas written down on the butcher paper for ways to get more organised in our daily lives. These include:

Using planners, calendars, diaries, post-it notes and notepads

Setting alarms at scheduled times on your phone

Writing to-do lists, prep lists and shopping lists

Using filing systems such as folders and display books

Preventing problems before the arise

Persistence in the face of setbacks e.g. extending deadlines

Ensuring that you take regular breaks and reward yourself when tasks get completed

I could feel myself getting easily distracted and struggling to maintain focus tonight at times so I decided to leave early. The jury is still out as to whether the Young Adults Aspergers peer support group is the right venue for me to make new friends. It’s been a constant challenge for my entire 32 years of existence to find a place where I belong, to connect with like-minded people, to be understood, accepted and included. The one positive is that at least I’m slowly becoming a familiar face at Aspergers Victoria. Putting yourself out there and speaking up in a group is fucking hard to do but at least I can say I’m trying and I’m not giving up. https://aspergersvic.org.au/young-adults

On Friday morning, I went to my Body Pump class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. To be honest, I was still feeling worn out and restless after arriving at the facility. My low mood could be attributed to the recent “Blood Moon” appearance this week as well as the colder weather. Thankfully our instructor Gina was in a loud, bubbly mood this morning and a workout was exactly what I needed in order to lift my mental state up and feel better.

Today we did release number 106 which features the following tracks: Tell Me You Love Me by Galantis & Throttle, Walk On Water by Thirty Seconds to Mars, Tribes by Chase & Status and Revenge by Pink Feat. Eminem. I have to say that the soreness and burn didn’t really kick in for me until about half way through the workout when we started doing lunges, squats and squat pulses then push presses, power presses and push-ups. 

But it felt awesome being able to push through how challenging this release was and to know that everyone else in the room was feeling the same way. Laughing, having fun and enjoying whatever exercise your doing will always be an important aspect for me because otherwise what’s the point of it? http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/classes/bodypump/music-tracklists/ 

“One foot in front of the other babe. One breath leads to another yeah. Just keep moving, oh. Look within for the strength today. Listen out for the voice to say. Just keep moving, oh... So my love, keep on running. You gotta get through today, yeah. There my love, keep on running. Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh. Oh, my love, don't stop burning. Gonna send them up in flames. In flames.” David Guetta & Sia - Flames (2018) 

“Drowning in the static of a thousand whispered doubts. I need to break the silence before my oxygen runs out. So can you hear me?. "Can you hear me?". As I call in to this dark and lonely. Passage, am I getting it through? Because all I want to do is get a message from me to you.” Evermore - Can You Hear Me? (2009)      

[murasaki-murasame]

Oh wow I kinda forgot that Smile at the Runway was even a thing, but chapter two’s translated now. Hopefully it doesn’t take another month for chapter three to get translated.

I’m not entirely sure if I’ll continue writing about every single chapter of this series, but for now I still really enjoy it so I’ll keep talking about it as long as I have stuff to say.

I wish more people were reading this. I think I’m still literally the only person on this website to have talked about it in the last month so this is about as small of a fandom as you can get, lol.

Anyway, thoughts under the cut.

I still don’t know entirely how I feel about the concept of Tsumura being the ‘actual protagonist’, considering that I really liked the idea of a shonen manga like this having a female protagonist, but thus far it feels like the two of them are more or less equally important so that’s nice. And if this chapter made anything clear to me, it’s that I really like Tsumura as a protagonist so I’m not exactly unhappy to get some focus on him.

He’s just a great dude in general. I really like how the author handles his mix of anxiety and determination. He’s hard on himself, and is scared of failure and rejection, but he still loves and wants to pursue what he does. It was also pretty great seeing him vouch for Chiyuki’s strengths as a model, and seeing him acknowledge that he wouldn’t have had this all happen if his clothes had been worn by a less qualified model to begin with. In general I just kinda love the way that the two of them are awkwardly bonding over their work, and recognizing each other’s strengths and how much they need to work together to get where they want to be.

There’s also the fact that he’s working to help support his family which is just a really endearing character trait in general.

It was also kinda surprising that he was the one who ended up being the model in this chapter, so to say. I really liked the entire thing leading up to that, with how it explored what fashion design meant to him, and how he could incorporate it into his own life. I’m not a very fashion-conscious person, so I don’t really put much thought into clothes and how people can feel about them. But I like how this chapter explored the idea that designing clothes can make you happy because of how it makes other people happy, and how wearing clothes can help you feel like the person you want to be. The whole history lesson about fashion as a form of protest and revolution was also a really cool way of getting across the importance of fashion as more than just pretty fabric, and it helped set up the entire scene of Tsumura walking into the interview in an outfit he designed for himself really well. It was also pretty surprising because of how you wouldn’t exactly expect the fashion designer character to make clothes for himself to wear, but it makes a lot of sense. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the outfit itself though, lol. It’s mostly the baggy pants and the seemingly too-short jacket that seem a bit odd. But it looks kinda cool. I almost want to draw it.

This series also continues to impress me with how realistic and reasonable the adult characters feel, and how they act. Considering how these things tend to go, it felt really refreshing to see that the dad’s response to hearing that Tsumura was just an inexperienced high-schooler was ‘oh, then I can’t hire you. There’s lots of other people out there with more qualifications and experience than you, so I have no reason to take the risk of hiring you’. He even grounded Chiyuki because she lied to him, which was kinda sad to see happen to her but wasn’t exactly uncalled for. It was also pretty great that his response to seeing Tsumura’s determination wasn’t ‘oh wow I guess you’ve won me over then’, but ‘well, I guess I have a colleague who I can connect you with to see if he might want to take you on’.

Even though this chapter was mostly about Tsumura, I also want to say here that I still really like Chiyuki as a character, and I hope she continues to be important. She just feels like a really refreshing character in the shonen demographic, and I like how she bounces off of Tsumura. I still really like how she’s kinda flawed and selfish and blunt at times, but also has the self-awareness to acknowledge that, and the humility to apologize for it and try and change.

I’m pretty curious to see where things go from here. I guess the next step is for us to be introduced to the person who Tsumura is probably going to be working with soon enough. I wonder how that’ll go.

Again, I’m not entirely sure if I’ll keep writing about this series. Depends on if I continue to have enough stuff to say about it. There’s at least a good amount to talk about now since these starting chapters are pretty long, but once we even out to regular-sized chapters there might not be enough content per chapter to make substantial posts about. At least with Ao no Flag, the main manga I’m reading and talking about right now, it’s a biweekly series, so each chapter is like 50% longer than a normal one so there’s more to discuss. We’ll just see how things go, I guess.

[workreveal-blog]

Female gamers: can they game?

New Post has been published on https://workreveal.biz/female-gamers-can-they-game/

Female gamers: can they game?

They say Female gamers game better than male gamers. My earliest childhood memory is pointing and crying at a kitchen cupboard that presumably contained apple sauce. In my next most initial reminiscence, within the identical condo, my start father is gambling Mountain King at the Atari 2600 There have been different video games in our circle of relatives library: Berzerk, Asteroids, Haunted House, Adventure. But Mountain King, released in 1983, became mystical. It is also frequently stated, 30 years on, because the toughest sport for the Atari gadget.

game

as the “Intrepid Explorer” my father could deftly manoeuvre up the mountainside, accumulating gems and hunting the elusive Flame Spirit, which seems onscreen as a dancing shadow. (As soon as the Flame Spirit is captured, it encircles the Intrepid Explorer’s head like a flickering, ghostly wreath.)

Then my father would assignment down the treacherous peaks closer to the Throne Room, that is guarded via the ominous Skull Spirit. He would kneel at the Cranium, provide the Flame, be granted safe passage into the Throne Room where the crown rests. As quickly because the queen became settled on my father’s head, the music – a violent However strangely lively rendition of inside the Hall of the Mountain King – would play. My dad might clamber returned up the mountain, in a ballet of arcing leaps. (There’s also a tremendous inexperienced spider that trawls alongside the mountain’s base, that is ever a lot greater scary to a toddler than grey bats are. In spite of the Atari 2600’s constrained sound competencies, the spider made this lousy skritching sound as he approached.)

From time to time my father made it to the top of the mountain But regularly he didn’t. This turned into after I’d usually pay attention him swear a little bit.

In lots of methods, Mountain King was my first bedtime story. And like any toddler with a favourite bedtime story, I wanted my father to inform it to me time and again. Best, my dad advised it to me with small, dexterous bends of the 2600’s joystick, with a cartridge and a tv set. He was in his late 20s then.

Besides, I assume this is how I fell in love with video games.

A year after my father’s death, my adoptive mother and father gave me a laptop, a Packard Bell 486-33. Of route, I in no way asked for a laptop – I wanted a Splendid Nintendo or, God helps me, a few type of Sega aspect – However my old dad and mum had decided that video games corrupt young minds and that PC video games are so much more highbrow. (For anything cause, recreation Boys have been high.)

I was pleased, though, and using Christmas 1993, I used to be on the line for the primary time. My piano instructor – an older neighbour with a brilliant-red dye job and a penchant for floral muumuus – taught me the way to navigate file directories in MS-DOS. Soon my piano classes had was me, an obstinate eleven-year antique, traumatic that my neighbour educates me ever-more tricky DOS commands.

It by no means As soon as struck me as strange that my piano teacher – a politically conservative retired nurse with cats – also became a Pc whiz. I don’t think kids ever absolutely be aware that form of component.

Or perhaps kids do. When I was round 12, my adoptive mother advocated me to inform an own family buddy what I desired to be when I grew up. “I need to jot down PC video games!” I instructed her triumphantly. “I’m going to be a clothier!”

“Well, then,” the lady warned, “you ain’t be capable of having children.”

“I gained,” I promised her in a serious voice. Proper around the time I demanded my dad and mum let me pick out my very own garments – being dressed like Patty McCormack from The Terrible Seed does little good on your social standing – I began choosing out my very own video games, too. I played plenty of Adventure video games during the next five years. Those games had been heavy on textual content and tale-pushed, and they took a long time to complete.

And at the same time as I gained defend it as a favourite sport, I keep in mind loving Myst once I first played it in 1993. Superficially, the sport is about strolling round, getting misplaced and clicking on matters; at its coronary heart, even though, it is very similar to Mountain King. Each is approximately a type of video game agnosticism; about learning an esoteric mechanical vocabulary and, from there, intuiting the way to absolutely play.

My mother and father had a coverage stipulating I wasn’t allowed to have a new computer sport until I’d finished the last one. After months of being stuck in Myst, I sooner or later lied. I don’t forget it because it was my first actual lie. I hated Myst.

Using 1996, most of my girl classmates had stopped gambling video games. I assume some of this had to do with societal pressures, but the rest of it had to do with the Nintendo sixty-four. Even now its controller is nonsense; in 1996 it was outright galling. Where had these types of buttons come from? Why became it shaped like that? Why become there an analogue stick stuck in the middle of it?.

In the meantime, liked franchises inclusive of Mario and Zelda had shifted from dimensions to a few, and not every girl become without problems able to adapt to those new spatial challenges. For the primary time, some us started out to think about console gaming as “boys’ toys”. I did, too, and that I began to regard my personal regular after-faculty laptop gaming as my secret shame.

I suppose 1998 marked one in every of video games’ hugest upheavals. The Sega Dreamcast – which would move on to grow to be a technical failure – supplied thrilling arcade studies (Loopy Taxi) for gamers at home. Journey games had been additionally trying to adapt and failing. Sierra’s King’s Quest franchise, as an example, chose that yr to alienate its in general girl target market with 3-D platforming and hack-and-lessen fight (which was routinely amusing But in the long run did no longer paintings. That attempt, King’s Quest VIII, would be the closing access in the series). The similarly maligned Gabriel Knight three has long past down in history as incorporating the dumbest puzzle of all time.

However that same 12 months, Sierra published a primary-person shooter known as Half-Existence, which instantly became the enterprise’s gold famous for high-quality. The market was flooded with modern thoughts, most of which failed, But Half of-Existence seemed to stick. And the marketplace, in turn, narrowed its cognizance and became greater homogenised in its services. A variety of genres died that 12 months.

In 1998, my very own tastes – which are fortunately flexible, luckily – adapted to this climate shift. The two CD-ROMs I took to college have been 1/2-Existence and American McGee’s Alice. Each day after lunch, my subwoofer boomed in time with the subwoofers up at the 1/3 floor of our residential university, wherein the men lived. Perhaps not coincidentally, my roommate transferred to every other university.

I loved multiplayer video games. Playing video games had continually been any such lonely endeavour; I’d ultimately determined others. I ended being shy about games, started evangelising approximately them.

The idea of gamers as a unified network become new to me – to each person. It felt like When someone abruptly turns up the lighting in a darkened bar, and you understand there are some humans within the same room, all jostling for the area and they all appearance distinct to what you expected (and lots of them, to my excellent remedy, had been ladies). I assume that second must be very jarring or scary for actual humans and Possibly makes them feel even extra alone.

gamer

But I never wanted to move again to the darkness. I by no means once more wanted to experience like a 13-12 months-old lady, hopelessly by myself and disconnected, go-legged in front of a Tv or sitting at a computer, hiding.

In 2005, sparkling out of university, I took on freelance paintings reviewing games for a mag called Digital Gaming Monthly. I welcomed this work specifically to harass my mum. But I additionally took on the process due to the fact I intended there could be 13-12 months-antique ladies like I had been, who would possibly turn via the magazine and experience remedy to see my byline.

It wasn’t easy to work. I remember wondering that EGM has been probable giving me evaluations because a salaried writer couldn’t end them. I often received games Only days before the opinions have been due. Once, I fell asleep in the course of a longwinded Suikoden cutscene (a series where the participant has restrained manipulate). Every of those evaluations paid about £37. And I’m describing the enterprise When pay was at its exceptional.

In 2006, I commenced paintings as 1UP.Com’s community supervisor, an article role that worked with fellow writers, PR, builders, the advertising and marketing department and “person retention” groups. I was not very good at that activity and that i had never purported to be. I in no way labored Well in a group. I often want I could have remembered that approximately myself on my way in.

However the position opened my eyes to positive aspects of online gaming, consisting of harassment, abuse, threats and even stalking, and In many methods, it’s far an sad enjoy that I wish I should undo. After that activity, I spent a yr in therapy.

Weeks in the past, I wrote a 500-phrase opinion piece in the Mum or dad, titled “the way to attack a lady who works in video gaming”. I used my pulpit to sentence abuse, which is rampant in my enterprise. I have lengthy witnessed on line abuse firsthand, and that i trust the mainstream video games industry’s silence tacitly condones it. I don’t care who the goals are or what harassers can also agree with they have performed. it’s miles unacceptable. it is usually unacceptable.

But ultimately saying so was by no means my “dream article”. Once I, elderly 12, advised that female I dreamed of being a laptop video games designer, I used to be not dreaming of ultimately writing an opinion piece denouncing abuse. However acknowledging that violence exists is – sadly – enough to inspire it. Days after the book, I retired from writing approximately games.

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Then an editor on the Mum or dad requested me if I’d task out of my two-week retirement and give an explanation for why I like video games. It’s smooth to be coaxed out of retirement if you have loved video games for 30 years and written professionally approximately them for nine.

And so I had to take delivery of because I clearly do love games. Oh, my God, I cherish them, all the way down to my material, right down to the crude, essential Lego bricks that made me. I like what they’re, and what they can be. And that I wholeheartedly love everybody else who plays them, all people who would name themselves a “gamer”.

Being a gamer, though, way you essentially must trust in belonging: consider that people of all attitudes, from all walks of Lifestyles, can peaceably coexist. And while I would in no way outline myself completely by using just one pastime or function – whether or not it’s analysing comedian books, gathering toys, playing video games or being female – I do trust that some rare matters in Lifestyles, like loving video games, defy all limitations.