#also hey look I posted my own art! I'm not dead I promise

[hazy-egg]

This was hilarious to me at 3 in the morning I had to make it real

[the-sinful-voice-witch]

The beauty🌹 of Shadamy

Isn't it just wonderful how my dear Amy Rose gets paired romantically with every Sonic Rival in the fandom? Even Blaze! And fortunately not much with Jet 😂😂 My favorite one obviously is Shadamy, followed by Surgamy and finally with Metal Sonic but seriously, to me nothing beats THE Shadamy❤🖤🩷.

So the BEST thing about this ship to me is that it was born out of a single interaction 😆 and I don't mean the moment she colorblinded mistook him for Sonic and hugged him nooooope I mean the moment she reminded him about Maria Robotnik's 🥺 true wish by giving him a similar speech of hope and second chances and after that he said: I have to fufill my promise for Maria... And you... Me after seeing that👇👇

(Funny this gif, casually she was also fangirling about a... SHAMY 🤣🤣 only the ones who know the show will get it)

Seriously, is fascinating how popular this ship became of that single interaction that led fans to write a HUGE amount of fanfiction of them and is always so romantic or so passionate or so angsty God I never get tired of it, one of my favorite portrayals of Shadamy is when Shadow is kind of a emo simp towards her, like he is simply adoring her even when she only looks at Sonic who is not looking at her 😭... Ah drama. 😂 I remember a few stories back when I was a pre teen... Like "el blog de Amy Rose" That's the only written fanfic name I remember and it was a total soap opera, a total and absolute telenovela full of all kinds of drama like Silver was their son and Sonic and Shadow were lost brothers 😂. Then I remember I few comics like Ternion that was an insanely passionate and angsty story with an excellent art that to contribute to my torture it was never finished... And boy I know the author had a secret smut chapter that she never posted anywhere... We know it exists because there were a few hot scenes in a video... 😭 but never happened the story didn't even reach half of what I think it was going to be🥲. In Chaos universe there's a double story in one Sonic and Amy had a daughter named Sonia but in an alternative universe we have María Rose who is Shadow and Amy's daughter... Is another tragedy were Amy is dead in both universes 😭 and of course I'm totally biased with Maria Rose's universe because the way her dad remember Amy's just hits different, seriously is way more enjoyably painful 🥲 and then the most current comics I'm addicted to of course IDOL AMY portrayed Shadow exactly how I said I like him the most 🥺 and the last one I saw is one apocalyptic where obviously Shadow survives and mourns a dead Amy: Future's Shadow... Girl this hedgehog can't catch a break they like to see him suffer 🥲🥲🥲

Now let's focus in the official interactions:

The Archie comics before the reboot kinda mistreated Amy portraying her in an annoying way most of the time just like in some games... And I wasn't a fan of a certain interaction she had with Shadow... (Those issues had a bitchy evil Rouge portrayal that I didn't like one bit🤬) I mean shadow actually kicks her in the stomach and hits her with her own hammer and... That just felt so wrong, you see I can't picture an scenario where Shadow would lay a hand on Amy in such a way as he did in those comics but I had a little comfort in this interaction at least 👇👇

She puts her faith on him when he doesn't have much faith on himself and that is something she also did in the games, like in Shadow the hedgehog own game. Then there was a reboot and we got better interactions, here we have Amy teasing him and he pouting adorably (and finally they dropped the Rouge is a bitch portrayal thank you😤)

We also see that they can make a good team

Hey Shadow how it feels to be hammered by her? 🤭😇, then we had the marvelous IDW reboot but we still don't have proper interactions (and this is the best Rouge💜)

Though honesty? This look like a romance novel scene... You know, with the bad boy being stubborn with the kind sweet girl 😂. Well Sonic IDW is still ongoing so we'll see if we get something more juicy... But I think I will be happy if they simply team up in a fight again.

And now let's talk about Twitter... Well, well, well have you noticed this tiny details in Sonic's Twitter takeovers? Someone asked "Shadow, will you marry me? " And they made Amy voice be the one reading that question 🧐, not only that the things Shadow described about what he wants in a partner for marriage were things that Amy totally would do perfectly (and to add some spice they made Sonic voice sound kind of upset to tease us with some sonadow too😂😂) and then the most precious and hilarious thing... SHADOW AND AMY ARE BOTH SWIFTIES 😆😆

And look! He got her ticket's 😭😭 and they went together!!! 😭😭😭(that's a DATE) and then in another Twitter takeover she tells about how they had fun and got shirts and then Sonic got jealous 😭😭😭 KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and look what SEGA IS DOING 👇👇👇

Pop Star Amy and Rock Star Shadow I can't... 😭😭 and paladin Amy and knight Shadow AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THEY MATCH!!!!!

I'm telling you... Sonic team is indulging us with oficial Sonamy but they are also shamelessly teasing us with SHADAMY (and sonadow juju)

And seriously fellow comic artists, feel free to keep drawing Shadamy comics forever... We don't get tired... 😇 and SEGA... Don't be shy... We conform with little teasing details you don't have to confirm or deny anything but for future games... A little Shadamy won't hurt 🥺🙏, we want Shadamy in games too! IDW that goes for you too... If you are teasing Sonamy and Sonadow you can tease Shadamy too! (And Knouge too! 😫)

And all this reminds me that we should demand SEGA to reboot the Sonic Adventure games with new modern animation and also so it's playable in modern consoles! I want to play it with the Nintendo Switch!! 😤😤😤

[coffeespillsthebeans]

The Hypocrite Writer

Introduction

Hi everyone!

Back from the dead we shall arise! Wow, it must be the first time I'm posting a real post on this page, not just an introductory message or rec list.

Some of you must be a bit perplexed by the title. "Hypocrite Writer"? What does that even mean?

Let me fill you in on a bit of context.

Me and my dreams

For the first time last year, I decided to seriously consider writing as a hobby. I used to write fanfics for this very niche fandom (an anime called Hetalia, if you're interested), but soon stopped thanks to the explosive mix of crippling anxiety and laziness.

My writing journey is incomplete. I'm just finishing my first story and starting on new projects. But I haven't been indifferent to the book world for that long.

I'm now sharing another one of my great passions: reading. My goal with this is much different. I'm playing the long game, for one. Why? Because I'd like one day to open my own book publishing agency and promote writers. Just thinking about it makes me feel giddy.

My issue

I pretty much devoured hundreds off thousands fanfictions online

...

And that's the problem. Not that reading fanfictions is a problem, but just that. I haven't touched a proper paper/digital/professionally published book in almost three years. I'd like to tell you that it's because my experience as an OIB student traumatized me, but yet again, I'm finding myself fighting off an old foe of mine -- laziness.

That's why I like to call myself a "Hypocrite Writer"

How can you strive in your art if you're not aiming for perfection? And this entails also knowing when to look out for examples, for masters to follow.

My solution

But today, today I'm changing the rules of the game. No more leisuring around, scrolling through my phone. It's time to grab the bull by the horns and take control of my destiny.

Each month, I'll be posting a book review both here on Tumblr but also on goodreads. There are 8 months left, which means reading at least 8 books.

But hey! I got a headstart! While browing the English Library in my city, I stumbled upon a series of fantasy novels by Jen Williams, so I picked the first one, The Copper promise from the Copper Cat series. Now I'l stop procrastinating and quickly finish it, so I can review it for you!

Have a nice day!

[daydreamorama]

I posted 944 times in 2022

That's 833 more posts than 2021!

48 posts created (5%)

896 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@foxofninetales

@hils79

@eirenical

@staidwaters

@nightxshade

I tagged 884 of my posts in 2022

Only 6% of my posts had no tags

#dmbj - 298 posts

#meta - 118 posts

#comic art - 55 posts

#writing - 45 posts

#a03 - 41 posts

#the untamed - 38 posts

#heroes - 31 posts

#guardian - 30 posts

#liu sang - 22 posts

#heroes 2022 - 21 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i thought this was planned betrayal and wuxie's heartbreak cause he didn't want to fake betray su mengzhen despite having promised he would

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Chapter 4 is here!!!

Liu Sang/Wang Pangzi/Wu Xie/Zhang Qiling

Additional Tags:

Alternate Universe - Space

Bai Haotian and Kan Jian have minor appearances

Asexual Zhang Qiling

Asexual Character

Chronic Pain

Massage

Getting Together

Established Relationship

established iron triangle

Mental Link

5 notes - Posted August 1, 2022

#4

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH YOURE WATCHING MEDICAL EXAMINER DR QIN I LOVE THEMMMMMMMMM IM SO GLAD YOU ARE!!!!!

I am!!! Thank you (for putting random shows on my dash to pique my curiosity)! I've probably watched every English speaking drama of this category (modern, medical examiner/crime) and I'm absolutely loving Medical Examiner Dr Qin. I am now ... 6 episodes in.

So far, would highly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it (though it came out in 2016? so ... not sure how I haven't discovered before now!)

Li Dabao is an absolute delight and I love everything about her character.

6 notes - Posted February 7, 2022

#3

My gen exchange fic!

Category: Gen

Fandom: 盗墓笔记 - 南派三叔 | The Grave Robbers' Chronicles - Xu Lei

Relationships: Wang Pangzi & Zhang Qiling Hei Xia Zi & Zhang Qiling

Characters:Zhang Qiling Wang Pangzi Hei Xia Zi (DMBJ Series)

Additional Tags: Hei Xiazi is more always on Xiaoge’s mind than part of the action Sharing Clothes Zhang Qiling Needs a Hug Zhang Qiling GETS a hug Kittens Cats so many cats Alternate Universe Animal Shelter First Meetings Wu Xie makes a guest starring

Summary:

‘Get a dog,’ Hei Xiazi had said. Xiaoge discovered cats suited him more.

Author Notes:

Funny Story, this was originally supposed to be about dogs not cats, because I am a Dog Person. Xiaoge said no. Consequently I watched a LOT of cat and kitten videos on tumblr.

Also the main Reason Wu Xie is not in this story much, is that every time he turned up and I tried to write him, he went full on feral 'what do you mean this is a 'gen' fic' on me, so he was banned.

9 notes - Posted May 15, 2022

#2

Medical Examiner: Dr Qin Review

To start, thank you @s1utspeare for turning me onto this show.

TL;DR: I loved it, the chemistry between the three main characters was off the charts, and Li Dabao is the most awesome character ever. It is 20 short 30ish minute episodes. For me, it is also very aro/ace friendly.

So I am biased. I have probably watched (or at least checked out), ever american (and probably some english-speaking non-American) show of this category. Mainly modern Crime Scene dramas. This one definitely follows that mold, (beyond some small differences (probably cultural)), this met expectations for it's category 100%.

I will warn this show is... very very gore-y in parts, and much more graphic than American Crime drama's tend to be. So if you don't like seeing blood, dead bodies, and other things involved in autopsies, maybe skip, or be prepared to look away. (I am not kidding, we are talking like Hannibal levels here).

There are three main characters, but I'm going to say, for me, Li DaBao is absolutely the star of the show. She is a woman in a male dominated career, and they don't shy away from making this clear, and making her struggles more obvious than I usually see. As a fellow woman in a male-dominated field, I identified so hard. She at times portrays as more masculine with her style of clothes and hair, perhaps it's to fit in, perhaps it's her own style, and her colleagues refer to her as Bao-ge (brother Bao), which I took as a sign of 'you are one of us' and 'you belong'. (I fully recognize some people may find this problematic, for me I love when my coworkers first assume I am a man, since it means they will respect me. (yay remote work making this possible)).

The friendship between the three characters is just off the charts. There are so many moments they are just THERE for each other, and the way they bounce off each other is just so good. If I could watch this show and it was just 20 episodes of them eating dinner and nothing else, I would love it.

The show is mostly your crime of the week style. (though in typical c-drama fashion I am still confused on why episodes end. Most of the crimes are about 1.5-2.5 episodes long and new cases start in the middle of episodes, so don't watch based on the episodes)

Spoilers behind the cut. (like really)

OMG That ending!?! That was the most intense hourish of my life.

The way Qin Ming kneeled without even a hint of hesitation or anything, just, couldn't drop down fast enough. Best kneeling scene I've seen in C-drama.

My other favorite Scene was when Lin Tao tried to set Qin Ming and Li Dabao up, and failed so miserably. I really hope there's fanfic around that.

I also loved Li Dabao going on blind dates, and the anti she had to meet and her absolutely glorious put down of the guy who asked her to change her career. And then we find out it's the 9th time this happened, and it makes her hilarious put-down incredibly sad because it's not that she just pulled that answer out cause she's awesome (which she is), it's because this KEEPS happening. and the Fact the other two mains always went to the same restaurant to watch her, (with her permission and knowledge I'm assuming from the reaction) and commiserated. Just So Great.

Anyways I have a lot of feels. There's just so much.

19 notes - Posted February 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Note: Just a little Heroes drabble for my favorite polycule. I might turn it into a real story later but for now have this modern day everyone's happy and together snippet that I keep rereading whenever I remember how the show ended.

“You’re our sword,” Bai Choufei giggled, drunk, “Sheath, I mean sheath. You’re our sheath.”

Bai Choufei swayed into Wang Xiaoshi, before he steadied himself and went stumbling into Su Mengzhen.  Su Mengzhen smiled fondly down at Bai Choufei.

“So many men hugging!” Wen Rou stated, pouting. 

Wang Xiaoshi turned around and enveloped her in a hug.  Her chest was softer than Bai Choufei’s, and he might be a little drunk himself.  Wen Rou pushed him away and he let himself be pushed, worried for a moment, before he spotted her smile and she playfully shoved him.  He playfully shoved her back.  

Lei Chun rolled her eyes from where she was sitting at the kitchen table doing… something studiously, perhaps the only sober one, though with Su Mengzhen you really could never tell.

Wen Rou wandered off, distracted apparently by Lei Chun’s ‘perfectly shiny smooth hair’.  Wang Xiaoshi watched her go, content.

“Sap,” Bai Choufei said from beside him and mustled up his hair.  Wang Xiaoshi smiled up at him.  

—

Wang Xiaoshi woke up slowly, head aching.  He carefully extricated himself from Wen Rou’s arms and Bai Choufei’s legs, sliding out the end of the bed.  Su Mengzhen and Lei Chun were both still surprisingly asleep, usually they got up before him, and they had perhaps been the most sober the night before.

He wandered into the kitchen and spotted Yang Wuxie in the kitchen.  Yang Wuxie spotted him and poured him a large mug of tea from  the teapot at his elbow and shook out an aspirin from the pill bottle next to it.

“Thanks Zhushi,” Wang Xiaoshi mumbled.  Perhaps it was weird to  call your boyfriend’s boyfriend’s boyfriend ‘advisor’, but the nickname had long since stuck.  It was probably odder to have a bed that fit six (custom made), and a relationship so complicated it required flow charts anyways.  “Ugh remind me not to get into a drinking contest with Wen Rou again.”

Yang Wuxie had the gal to laugh at that.  “I think you’ll find I did.  Last night.”

Wang Xiaoshi groaned.  Every time. 

note; (I'm pretty sure Zhushi is not the right pinyin)

27 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[skysometric]

New look, same old blog!

welcome to a wholly improved skysometric.co! after years of dreams, sketches, redesigns, code, and slamming my head against the wall, i've finally fulfilled my dream of having a blog that matches my design language. i'm so excited to put it to good use as the front page for my creativity and journaling 💖

the blog's still based on tumblr, using a new custom theme. in truth, it's just a heavy edit of the default theme... and quite a mess of one, at that! but hey, it looks and works great, and isn't that all that counts in the end?

(speaking of which, are you reading this on the tumblr app? come check out the new site!)

About the redesign

on the left menu are links to my main sites, and core tumblr links like the askbox and archive. there's also a theme toggle for light and dark mode – i'm especially proud of how the dark theme turned out! the light theme needs a little work, but i think it's a good start to improve on in the future. oh and btw, these animations for the menus opening and closing? they're pure css, even on mobile~

the right menu has featured tags to browse stuff i've made and written, as well as a search box for anything not featured. tags are a core part of the updated site, serving as collections of art and writing – so they have extra prominence both in the menu and at the bottom of each post. all my most important tags have icons that are loaded dynamically based on their name! and any tags that don't have an icon use the default hashtag. i'm really proud of all the design work that went into it, and i'll show off the icons on their own pretty soon ✨

posts themselves can be blue, purple, or pink, matching my main color palette. the color is based on the post id! so each post's color is always the same, whether you're viewing it on the front page, tag pages, or the post itself.

Design history

this updated blog has been four years in the making, surviving both my name change and multiple iterations of my design language – yet somehow, it still looks just like my years old sketches. i'm impressed at how much i was able to rework and carry forward with me, especially with how many of these ideas felt like dead ends at the time!

that early screenshot at the top is from waayyy back when i was considering moving away from tumblr. it was very tempting to self-host and "own my data" as they say... but i would miss out on all the social features like reblogs. plus, on tumblr people can follow me and see all my posts in the app, as well as on my site – what's not to love? so even though the site's time may be past, i'm sticking with tumblr until they literally nuke it out of orbit~

Cleaning up, carrying forward

i've had this blog for nearly ten years now, and the way i've used it has changed tremendously over that time. what started as my first foray into social media turned into a space for sharing things i found that made me happy, sharing my philosophies and outlook on life, sharing my struggles through college and burnout, and now sharing my journey discovering my voice as a person and a creator. so now that i'm a new person with a new voice, i should probably clear out all those crusty old cobwebs and start fresh, right?

not a chance!

if anything, i went back and made sure my old posts look just as good as my new ones, cleaning up tags and backporting my new code to work with old tumblr post layouts. i want to carry my history forward with me! for all these years this blog has been my journal, and even though my journaling changed with time, that core purpose hasn't. honestly, after all the cleaning, i'm inspired to return to those old methods of journaling – share more of myself, share more of what makes me happy, be more free and open and wild ✨

(that said, some of those early posts were especially raw! those have been archived for now. maybe i'll remake the sentiment behind them someday...)

My promise to myself

in the wake of college i realized i was posting less here on the blog; this redesign was an attempt to give it more importance, so that i would use it more. but what i didn't realize was that i was posting less due to burnout... and i stalled out on the redesign, also due to burnout. a double whammy! so i used my blog less than ever, and it languished for years.

on top of that, giving my blog more importance made it more of a Serious Website™ in my head, a place where i had to put my best foot forward at all times. that made me want to post here even less, only when i finished some big or important project! but my blog was never intended for this – i've been posting random nonsense since the beginning.

so what started as a promise that i would use my blog more, became a promise that i would make my blog A Big Deal. and that's not healthy for me! so i stepped back and re-evaluated. first, i started consciously calling this place my journal, to make it a sketchy and rough place with intent. second, i ultimately decided to redesign it anyway, with a new promise: to make it somewhere i'm proud of posting more often, no matter what those posts look like.

and with that promise fulfilled, i'm ready to get back to journaling 💙

[redjaybathood]

Ummm... Sorry if bother but I left prompts on notes for your post about them, just wanted to make sure you have seen them.

(Sorry again if it's bothering, have a good day)

Sorry, no, I saw it, I'm just not always reply to things in the chronological order I got them. Though sending an ask is always an easier way for me to respond - I can save things to drafts.

I really liked this one!

wonderwondered: 2. Talia and Jason have monthly meetings and on one of them run into some of Bats and pretend that they don't know them.

Imagine. They're just chilling on those chairs that cafes sometimes put on the street. Their outfits are flipped. Talia is in something comfy, low-key street fashion; Jason wears deep green with gold accents, his shirt has cleavage to his navel, there are heels, though it's those sensible low heels because he's tall enough. Oh, and he has eyeliner.

So, Tim gets himself a coffee to go from the very same cafe. And he is passing them, thinking his own thoughts, when he stops short. In the middle of sidewalk.

And backtracks.

"Jason?!"

Please note that he is yet to recognise Talia, who also has her hair in a artfully messy bun. And no cleavage. (I appreciate the gorgeous art and unique outfits Talia wears but, you know, I really don't like it when all of them have cleavage except one time she was wearing sweatpants)

So no, that plus sunglasses, and he doesn't recognize her at all.

Jason looks at him as though seeing a stranger.

"Do you know this boy?" Talia says in a horrendous Russian accent.

Jason looks Tim dead in the eye and just shakes his head. Doubt creeps up into Tim. He says sorry and moves along with his coffee, thinking he should have asked for one more shot of espresso.

Next time, it's Gotham Academy art exhibition. Talia is in a sharp business suit, with wide trousers and jacket, and a wide hat. Jason is in a tracksuit and has a golden chain.

Damian already ran away with his friends, something about a case of art fraud. Dick just notices the pair. They've been staring at Damian's painting for ages. He decides to get closer, strike up a conversation, just in case. But when he just says:

"Hi, I'm Dick, this is my brother's work. Where's..."

And then he notices just who this is.

"Talia? Did Damian know you will be here? And... Is this Jason?"

Now it's Jason's turn to bring on the thick Eastern European accent.

"Ha! You're mistaken, my friend. I am here for my daughter."

He points at the girl in a leather jacket with very bright blue hair and a permanent scowl, despite being surrounded by a lot of people her age who are trying to get her attention. The expression on her is so familiar, Dick would believe it's his daughter, except for how he would need to become a dad at ten.

"You're not looking old enough to be her father, Jason," Dick says in exasperation.

"Thank you!" Jason beams. "Clara always calling me too old. I had to promise to never talk to her in public because how old I am. And uncool. Hey, I say her, I am cool. I know memes!" He proceeds to show Dick Pepe the Frog. "Though I don't know why the frog is sad. I asked Clara, but that's when she forbid to talk to her. It hurts, you know, when they grow up. But I wouldn't trade it for..."

Dick stops listening, walks away. Whatever Jason playing at? He doesn't care, it's his day off.

The next ones are Steph and Cass. They follow Talia and Jason through the mall. Jason is carrying all the bags and looks like he wants someone to start shooting at them right now, Talia looks like she's having a time of her life.

The girls bring this up the next time everyone gathered together for a debrief.

"So what's up with the League in Gotham?" Steph asks Jason.

Jason blinks at her.

"What are you talking about?"

Bruce zeroes in on this.

"Hood, are you looking for the League of Assassins again?"

"No, and for the record, I never did," Jason says.

At the same time, Stephanie says "Yeah, we saw them on a shopping spree."

"Me?" Jason asks and points at himself to boot. "Shopping? Never."

"As if my mother would take him as the companion," Damian scoffs from where he's sitting. "Or would choose Gotham for a shopping spree."

"See?"

"She did take you to Damian's art show though," Dick remembers.

"No she didn't," Jason furrows his brow as if he doesn't know what he is talking about.

Bruce presses down on the bridge of the nose, trying to stave off a headache.

"Red Hood, if the League of Assassins is planning something..."

"May I remind you all," Jason says slowly, looking at everyone in turn. "That I've never been a part of the League? Because Ra's hates me with a passion of thousands of suns and thinks I'm going to end the world, probably?"

"No," Damian tells him. "You just annoy him."

"Potayto, potahto," Jason murmurs.

And so it goes. They are seen around town, all in different places, always wearing a different look. There's never any follow-up re: nefarious plans of the League of Assassins, so the Batfam just lets them do whatever the hell they want. Watch the opera where Jason spends the intermission ranting to everyone in the vicinity about how modern interpretation by Gotham's troupe completely missed the point of characters - Talia looks very bored and even yawns. Show up for a baseball game which Talia spends, mostly standing around and shouting at players and Jason trying to seem non-existing. Get their nails done at a spa salon, which, surprisingly, both enjoy. All while still pretending they don't know Batfam members, even if they fully know their disguises not fooling anybody.

The only time Talia breaks the character is when Damian is there.

"Mother," he seethes. "You are visiting Gotham every month, and spend the day with Todd, of all people. Why have you never invited Father and me?"

"Damian," she says, sitting down so they would be on the same level. "Do you want to spend time with me?"

Damian sputters.

"I did not say that," he denies, being, like, 11-years old and too cool to hang out with his mother.

But then Talia gets out a small (Damian-sized) letter jacket, a copy of what she's wearing, but in red; she snaps her fingers at Jason, without looking, and he takes a pair of sunglasses out from his front pocket and gives it to her.

Talia offers it to Damian.

"Well," Damian said. "If you went to all this trouble. But," he points a finger. "I'm choosing where we go the next time. I will not have my nails done by a random mall person."

"Don't worry," Jason says. "We don't repeat our outings. Would make it too easy for any of the Bats to come to crash it."

That's it. There's no punchline, no sudden reveal, or a twist. Just Talia hanging out with one of her sons and quietly hoping that Damian sees that it's not uncool to hang out with your mother. And it works.

[therangerofthenorthernlands]

Tolkien Update #2! (24 June 2021)

SPOILER WARNING FOR LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

Hey everyone! If you're reading this thanks for visiting my page again. My journey with Tolkien continues! I'm still reading through Chapter 7 of The Two Towers "Helm's Deep" so that update will come soon!

Last night, I decided to watch the first part of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003). OH. MY. GOD. This is the first time I've ever watched The Return of the King, although I've watched The Two Towers and The Fellowship of the Ring before (fun fact, watching the theatrical version of The Fellowship of the Ring was actually what first interested me in Tolkien!). So, as you can probably tell at this point, this update will be about my experience and first impressions watching:

Part 1 of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

I would like to start off this update by saying that I finally know where all (most) of my favorite LOTR GIFs are from, LOL! I collect GIFs of Aragorn (one of my favorite characters) in a folder on my computer, and I honestly did not know what scenes of the movies some of them came from. Now I do! If I can figure out how to do it, I'll link them and talk about my favorite ones in this post :) (I'll try to go somewhat chronologically, so as to be as little confusing as possible lol). I would also like to start off this post by saying "FOOL OF A TOOK!" and also stating (and I will die on this hill) that although I was only nine months old, I was indeed alive when ROTK was released so therefore I was alive when the LOTR movies were coming out.

Now that we've got those disclaimers out of the way (COUGH I LOVE EOWYN COUGH) I will now begin my commentary :D

To begin with, everytime I'm watching a LOTR movie and this motherfucker shows up:

I FLIP MY SHIT. EVERY SINGLE TIME. BECAUSE I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH. I love how the logo looks and what it represents, I love what it means and what it promises. It's also just a really fucking cool piece of art in and of itself. Masterpiece.

AND IF YOU CAN IMAGINE ME FLIPPING MY SHIT AT THAT LOGO, YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW I FELT WHEN I SAW THIS:

Also, I would like to present to the reader a portrait of Howard Shore circa 1999:

I didn't take notes while I was watching, so I'm trying to think of things that really struck me. One thing was definitely the shot where Deagol grabs the ring from the bottom of the river. LOTR really takes things full circle, and I appreciate it. It's the same shot from the prologue in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)! I thought that was really cool. Also, my man Andy Serkis finally got some human screen time!

Continuing on, I would like to express my resentment toward Gollum and the seeds of resentment that he sows between Frodo and Sam (All my love to poor Smeagol, though :( ). Sam is literally giving his everything to Frodo and because of Gollum Frodo begins to distrust the wrong person. It broke my fucking heart when Frodo told Sam to leave as they were climbing the mountain above the City of the Dead. Like, bro, think rationally for like half a second. YOU GUYS ARE IN MORDOR. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD OR WATER. SAM BARELY MADE IT HERE WITH EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE YOU REALLY THINK HE CAN GET ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE SHIRE ON HIS OWN?? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU >:( . I'm very angry at both Gollum and Frodo, although I understand that Frodo is under the influence of the One Ring and is not completely himself.

Next I would like to say, PIPPIN. As the youngest member of the Fellowship he can sometimes be a little foolhardy through no fault of his own (hence, "Fool of a Took!" as is Gandalf's choice phrase when referring to Pippin). At the same time, however, he is mature and courageous. When accompanying Gandalf in the confrontation of Denethor about the lighting of the beacons of Minas Tirith and on realizing that Denethor has received news of the death of Boromir, he pledges his service to Denethor--a stubborn, greedy, idiotic, unloving, and cruel man who serves as the Steward of Gondor. While in some ways misguided, this action by Pippin is a show of his loyalty and raw courage as well as his growing maturity. Also he looks really dapper in the uniform (later revealed to have been that of Faramir in his youth). Also I love how he's still wearing his elven cloak from the forests of Lorien!

Love my boy Peregrin Took. Representing the Shire, and all of Eriador for that matter! His singing in the hall of Denethor--fun fact, in the books, the poem he sings appears in The Fellowship of the Ring!--while Faramir rides out at Denethor's behest to attempt to retake Osgiliath from the orcs of Mordor makes me cry every single time. Incredibly moving. See above portrait of Howard Shore.

AND SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HOUSE OF DENETHOR, I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE OF FARAMIR. Poor Faramir, justice for Faramir :( . I HOPE DENETHOR FALLS DOWN A DEEP HOLE AND CAN'T GET OUT. I FEEL SO BAD FOR FARAMIR. EVERY TIME HE APPEARS I JUST WANT TO GIVE HIM A BIG HUG AND TELL HIM THAT HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB. HE TRIES SO HARD. HE DOES EVERYTHING TO TRY TO PLEASE HIS FATHER AND EMERGE FROM THE SHADOW OF HIS OLDER BROTHER, TO NO AVAIL. AND DENETHOR HAD THE UTTER NERVE TO SAY TO FARAMIR'S FACE--TO HIS FACE--THAT HE WISHED FARAMIR HAD DIED INSTEAD OF BOROMIR. I MEAN COME ON, MAN. Faramir has been camped out at Osgiliath--LITERALLY SAURON'S DOOR--holding the lines, protecting Minas Tirith and therefore all of Gondor, while you have been sitting on your ass doing NOTHING yet for some reason you think that it's okay to talk that way to him??? Okay, please exit the room sir you are not welcome anymore. NOT TO MENTION THAT WHEN FARAMIR COMES BACK FROM TRYING TO RETAKE OSGILIATH WOUNDED DENETHOR ANNOUNCES SIMPLY THAT HE HAS DIED EVEN THOUGH THIS IS CLEARLY UNTRUE. DENETHOR JUST WANTED HIM DEAD. HE'S A HORRIBLE FATHER. THANKFULLY, HOWEVER--AND MAY I SAY VERY ASTUTELY--GANDALF GIVES HIM A GOOD KNOCKING AROUND THE HEAD WITH HIS STAFF SHORTLY AFTERWARD. If I never hear of Denethor again in my life I will have heard too much. BYE.

Okay, time to address the matter of Aragorn and Eowyn. Given my utter love and devotion to each of them respectively (and my wish to be them), I would like to formally state that I actually like how things have turned out so far. When I first watched Two Towers and saw what was developing I was firmly against it. I also didn't like Eowyn. But since I have now read halfway through The Two Towers and watched the first part of ROTK and all of Two Towers, I have changed my mind. Eowyn is a fucking badass (as I have said before) and I love her. I want to be her. I feel the same way about Aragorn. It would be wonderful if they were together, if Aragorn was not previously committed to someone else. I believe that the bond that Aragorn and Arwen made between themselves is unbreakable, especially since Arwen gave up her immortality to be with Aragorn and bestowed him the gift of her Evenstar. I now understand, however, that Aragorn believed that Arwen was leaving Middle Earth via the Grey Havens, along with an envoy of elves, never to return again. Given that context, I understand the nuances of the relationship between Eowyn and Aragorn. Once Elrond informed Aragorn that Arwen had stayed, he very quickly and clearly communicated to Eowyn that nothing could ever happen between them. I respect that, but I also feel bad for Eowyn. I love her. I love him. The look on her face when he leaves to summon the Army of the Dead... Heartbreaking.

On that note I would like to once again express my love for Eowyn and her badassery, and my disdain at Eomer for that "war is the province of men" comment! Was that honestly necessary? Same thing with Merry. You have to willing and able soldiers who want to fight to protect the things they love, but because of the provenance of their stature or gender they are somehow unworthy to fight just like every other soldier of Rohan or Gondor? Good on Eowyn for saying fucking that, finding some armor that fit her, hoisting Merry onto her horse, and riding into battle with the rest of them. I would give my life for this woman.

NOW TO DISCUSS SOME OF THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED GIFS!

Okay so it was really just one GIF. I can't find the rest of the GIFs.... TBD... ANYWAY I didn't realize until last night that this GIF takes place during the scene where Aragorn believes that he has failed in summoning the Army of the Dead and exits the mountain to see the forces of Mordor congregating on the Anduin next to Gondor. Heartbreaking :(

Another scene that brought tears to my eyes and sent shivers down my spine was the one where Aragorn receives Anduril from Elrond (as well as news of Arwen). There are no good GIFs of it that I can find on Google but I do have this (which really doesn't do it justice, I highly suggest searching the clip up on YouTube):

This whole scene was just utterly empowering. You can see Aragorn coming into his own as heir to the throne of Gondor, you can feel his growing power and the shot where he pull Anduril out of the scabbard is masterfully shot and choreographed. Although in the books Aragorn does receive Anduril in The Fellowship of the Ring and not in the Return of the King, I believe this rewrite was perfectly written, planned, and implemented. The whole sequence of the reforging of Anduril, Arwen's recitation of the famous poem that we first encounter at the beginning of the first book,

From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be the blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.

and Aragorn receiving it from his mentor Elrond and pulling it out of its sheath is awe-inspiring. The poem itself, every time I encounter it, brings tears to my eyes. This scene gives me hope. It makes me strong. Everyday I try to be like Aragorn. He is one of my foremost role models. I know that if I'm acting like Aragorn would act, I am doing the right thing.

Professor Tolkien's writings, and the thousands of subsequent artists who adapted his work so wonderfully and perfectly, hold a very special place in my heart. I think that they will for the rest of my life.

I believe we've come to the end of this update. I'm ending on a more somber and serious note this time. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. As you can probably see, Tolkien is a topic I am always willing to discuss at length. I'm really excited to watch the second part of ROTK (the last part of the entire LOTR trilogy!!) and I will make sure to post an update on here when I do. Hoping to see an epic conclusion! Until then, "Forth Eorlingas!" my friends! Take care of yourselves and stick around. I hope to talk to you all again soon! :)

[buckyswheezes]

Cruel Summer (Pt. 1/2)

Premise: Steve was 7, Bucky was 6, and you were 4 when you became family. And it was in the summer of your last year in high school when things started to change.

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes / What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

author's note: First of all, this did not go the way I planned it to. Second, I was wrong; this isn't one-shot but a two-shot fic. Finally, I hope you guys like it. Again, @lokisblackwidow's post made me do this. Sorry if it's different from what you expected it to be.

warning: this fic contains cursing, sexual shit, and incest. Read at your own risk

It's been 15 years since your family moved to New York to start anew. The concrete jungle, skyscrapers, and bustling broadway shows were a stark contrast to California's tropical and easy-going nature. You were too young, though, to notice such things because you were just three years old at the time and mostly spent your time confused because you haven't seen your mom in a long time.

It's only been dad and your brother Steve for weeks now, and both didn't know how to tie your hair the way you like or read those bedtime stories you loved so much. Years later, you finally realized why -she died. The next thing you knew, you have a new mom and a new brother. It's been that way since.

"How's the college application going?" Steve's gruff voice came from the ongoing Facetime.

"I haven't had my breakfast. Can I please have my breakfast first?" You replied, annoyed. You didn't want to be reminded of that first thing in the morning. You slumped down on the seat beside your mom, and she handed you a cup of freshly brewed coffee. "Thanks, mom," You muttered.

Your dad sat on the other side of the table, flipping through the day's paper, and beside him sat Bucky, stuffing his face with bacon, completely ignoring the chaos around him. The empty seat beside him was where Steve sat (when he's home, that is, which was rare nowadays), but the tablet with his huge face plastered in it was placed on the space on the table, so it felt as if you were all still having breakfast together.

"Ooh, someone's grumpy."

"I'm gonna beat your ass when you get home." You threatened.

"Well, joke's on you 'cause I'm not."

"You're not?" Mom frowned.

Steve shifted to look at her. "I took a summer course this year, Biostats. It'll help with my thesis."

"You sure you're not just fonduing with Maryland girls in the summer?"

"Shut up, Buck. You're the playboy in the family, not me."

"Alright, boys!" Your mom chastised then turned to Steve again. "Well, you take care, and if you need anything, just give us a call."

"Will do."

Steve attended Johns Hopkins University -unarguably one of the best universities in America when it comes to Medicine. He'd always wanted to be a doctor, and even though he never said it, you knew it was because of your biological mom. He could've gotten into Harvard, but like you, Steve itched to get out of New York for a change of environment. It was only Bucky who didn't want to go anywhere, and so he attended NYU.

You love New York, no doubt about that. You grew up exploring its Burroughs, and the Central Park had been a staple in your formative years, but lately, you just wanted to get away from all of it. Recently, something changed, and you convinced yourself that it was because it's your last year in high school and you will be going to college soon.

But you knew there was something else. Well, maybe it was also because you turned 18 early this year, you're legal now, and with your going to college on the other side of the coast, you were excited to have a bit of freedom. CalArts was your first choice, being into Performing Arts and all that. Now, your parents weren't painfully strict, but being the youngest and only girl in the family, they couldn't help but be a little protective.

When Steve went to Baltimore two years ago, you were quite relieved. You get it; you're his only sister, but the way he used to hover around and scare away boys grated your nerves. You were just thankful that by sophomore year, he was gone. He'd passed on the mantle to Bucky, but he didn't really care -well, not as much as Steve did.

"Dad, don't forget you're picking me up later after school. I can't be late for my rehearsal." You reminded. Across the table, your old man's jaw dropped.

"I'm sorry, honey, was that today?"

"Uhh yeah, you forgot already?"

"Sorry, it slipped my mind, honey. How about you pick her up, Buck?" He turned to your step-brother.

"What?!" You shrieked in unison.

"I can't. I have stuff to do." He whined. You roll your eyes at his lame excuse.

"No, it's fine. I'll just ask Peter to come with me."

"Who's he, your new boyfriend?" Bucky spat.

You glared at him across the table. "No, he's not. I don't even have a boyfriend; you and Steve made sure of that." You downed the last of your coffee before shooting daggers at him once more. "Don't pick me up. Go do your stuff."

"Bucky…" It was mom's turn to speak.

"Fine!" He grumbled.

————

"Bye, Peter. See you around!" You stood up from the bench where you and your friend sat as soon as you saw Bucky drove up the school's entrance.

You don't know what your step-brother's problem was, but lately, he'd been nothing but irritable and annoyed, especially with your presence. You didn't wait for him to call you, so you jogged as quickly as you could across the schoolyard, silently climbing on the passenger seat as soon you reached where he pulled over.

You cast a wary glance at him; he didn't speak to you since you got on. He didn't even acknowledge your presence. His jaw was set, and he was intent on ignoring you, it seems, for the duration of the ride.

You and Bucky weren't always like this. You two were close; you played a lot when you were kids, you built forts, you wrestled, you chased each other with whatever gooey stuff you put your little hands on. Over the years, he became distant. You'd started to feel distant when Bucky and Steve entered junior high -you just couldn't relate to the stuff they talk about anymore. You're still very close with Steve, but with Bucky, he just drifted further away, especially when you entered high school. Bucky was only two years ahead, so you always saw him around during your freshman year. He was very popular, it seems. Senior girls used to befriend you in hopes of getting close to your step-brother.

You couldn't take it any more of his animosity, so you fully faced him, shifting in your seat. "Have I done something wrong, Buck?"

He looked at you incredulously for a second before turning his attention back on the road.

Annoyed at his lack of response, you hit his shoulder with your fist.

"What the hell y/n! I'm driving. Do you want us to die?!" He growled.

You retreated back to your seat, feeling remorseful for a second. Only for a second, then you burst out crying. "I hate you! I wish you're not my brother!"

You heard him chuckle, but he obviously wasn't amused. "Yeah, wish you weren't my sister too."

———

Bucky was in his last year in high school when he noticed it. He was waiting outside the school library because you said you needed to borrow a book before the two of you go home.

When Steve went off to college, he promised he'd look after you. He noticed firsthand how guys from all grade levels flock to you, hoping they'd catch your attention. Now, Bucky knew what these guys really want, and that's to get in your pants. Over his dead body would he allow that to transpire. So you two always walked home together.

He craned his neck to peek through the giant doors, wondering what's taking you long when he saw you chatting with a guy. His brows furrowed while his lips formed a thin, grim line.

Your smile reached your ears, your eyes glistened in obvious delight, and your cheeks flushed. Your shy gaze was directed at the guy in front of you.

Bucky frowns even more, when the guy ruffled your hair, a gesture that only he has the right to do (he believes). He felt a vein in his head pop in irritation. He felt like punching someone.

"Hey, Buck, let's go!" You chimed, pulling him out of his murderous thoughts.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Oh, that's Stephen. A junior in the dance club." You almost giggled.

"Huh." He scoffed.

The next time he noticed it happen was when he stayed around to watch your cheer dance rehearsals. Your skimpy cheerleader outfit didn't leave much to the imagination; that's why he decided to hover around, ready to pounce on whoever looked at you the funny.

Bucky looked away for a second to glance at his phone when screams filled the schoolyard. The next thing he knew, you were in the air -free-falling. He ran as fast as his feet could take him to catch you, his heart pounding in his ears. Fortunately, someone was there to catch you before you hit the ground.

You fell on top of the guy -Stephen. He gritted his teeth, half-annoyed, half-grateful at the piece of shit. He saw how you stayed on top of him for a few seconds more; furiously blushing. The moment he reached you, Bucky yanked you up and from the guy's body.

"You okay?" He fussed, searching your body for any sign of injury.

"I'm fine, Buck. Stephen caught me." You bit your lip as you shyly looked back at the guy. "Umm, thanks again."

"Yeah, thanks, man," Bucky grumbled, pulling you away from the group.

The way your body rested on another guy just didn't sit well with him. Once again, he felt like punching someone, and that someone is Stephen. He hated the way the guy was always around you. Bucky was sure what his motive was, and he'll never let him get it.

"I want ice cream." You muttered later that afternoon on your way home.

Bucky scoffed at your request. "What are you, five?"

You stopped walking and faced him, a pout on your lips. "Steve always buys me ice cream."

"Well, I'm not Steve."

"Please, I fell off someone's shoulder and almost hit my head. What if I died?"

"What has that got to do with ice cream?"

"I hate you. You're the worst brother, ever."

Bucky chuckled at your antics; he knew you didn't mean it. You just say that to get what you want because when you were kids, Steve and he used to compete for the Best Brother Award. "Fine." He conceded with a smile. He grabbed your grabbed, and you both ran to the nearest ice cream parlor, ordering one big bowl of banana split sundae and stuffing your faces.

Bucky's whole body tensed when your moans filled your ears. He didn't mind it back then, you were young and innocent, but now, Bucky couldn't ignore the sound spilling from your mouth. Sweat dripped down his nape.

This isn't right.

Your moans seem to ring louder in his ears. The way you licked your spoon clean was not helping his situation either. Bucky thinks about the thin line between sanity and insanity when the chocolate syrup trickled from your lips down to your chin until it reached the supple skin of your neck.

"I need to go to the bathroom." He muttered and hastily jolted from his seat, scrambling away from you. Bucky has a growing problem inside his pants, and he needs to take care of it.

Stop this, Bucky, you need to stop this! His mind chastised while his hands unbuckled his belt. You shouldn't feel this… this way towards her. He's your step-sister. It's wrong.

As soon as he reached his release, he made up his mind. He'll stay away from you; kinda impossible since you both live in the same house, but he'll try his best for both your sakes.

Bucky stopped waiting for you after school. He stopped watching your rehearsals. He stopped helping you with your Math home works and, much to your mom's surprise, he started watching evening dramas with her in the living room every night.

So to answer your question, the one you shot at him when he picked you up from school that day. Yes, you did something wrong.

You grew up. And it's been hard for him to see you as his step-sister ever since.

——————

The last day of school finally rolled in, and you intended to enjoy summer before you start college. What you didn't see coming, though, was being left alone with Bucky for one whole week because your parents are going on a cruise.

"Can't I come with you?" You pleaded, eyes wide as you hauled your mom's baggage into the back of the taxi.

"Sorry, honey. Promise, we'll be back as soon as we can." She replied before giving you a hug.

"Don't leave me here. Bucky's gonna bully me all week."

"He won't, right Bucky?" She raised a brow at him, who stood with his arms crossed, looking annoyed.

"Try not to destroy the house while we're away." Was their final reminder before they went on their way.

Bucky was the first one to get back inside the house. Dread ate up your insides; you two haven't spoken since the car ride. You decided once and for all to get things straight with him. So you marched inside about five minutes later.

Bucky heard you barge in his room, but he remained still -eyes closed and pretending to be asleep. He jolted up when you unceremoniously hit his stomach with a pillow.

"What the hell, y/n?!" He snarled, clearly pissed at your assault.

Your nose flared at his attitude. "What is your problem, James Barnes?" You growled in return.

"Am I the one with a problem here?"

"Oh, come on! You know what I mean!"

Bucky pushed past you; you trailed behind, following his figure towards the living room. He needed to get away from you, fast. It irked him that you wouldn't stay the fuck out of his way. You'd even come and gone into his room. Bucky couldn't take it; he'd go crazy.

"Why are you avoiding me? Bucky!… Bucky! Answer me, damn it!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, y/n. So, leave me alone." He was about to reach the door when you threw yourself in front of it, barring his way out. "Move."

"NO! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong." You crossed your arms, planting your feet firmly on the floor. You weren't gonna let this day end without knowing why Bucky acts the way he does. If it was something that you did, then you'd wholeheartedly make it right, but you'll never know if he keeps on brushing you off. So, here you are.

"Y/n, move." Bucky hissed menacingly."

"No, Bucky." You replied in the same manner.

After your brief glaring contest, Bucky finally looked away, sighing in defeat. "Fine. Something's not right, okay? But it's not you, it's… it's… me, so let me handle this myself."

You relaxed and took a step closer to him. "Can't you tell me? I might be able to help."

Bucky looked away. How could he possibly tell you that he's harboring un-brotherly feelings towards you -his step-sister. How could he possibly tell you that you turn him on, that he's having inappropriate thoughts about you for a year now? How could he possibly tell you that he might be falling in love with you?

All those times you spent together when Steve was gone. The times you intently and genuinely listened to his adolescent problems. The times you cheered for him when he played football in high school. You were his number one fan. You were so different from the others, and he hated how it made him look at you differently. He hated when you boys started coming into your life. He always believed that you had a special place in your heart for him, but now he feared that anyone might snatch that place from him. You were his best girl.

Bucky grimaced at his realization. He finally admitted to himself that he is, indeed, falling in love with you. He felt angry at himself. How could he let this happen? He thought he was in control of his emotions.

"Eventually, I'll tell you. But not now." He said softly, hoping you'd let him go.

But you were persistent. "No, Bucky. I want you to tell me now." You demanded.

"Y/n," He growled loudly this time. "Move out of my way!"

"I won't until you tell me."

"Move!"

"Just tell me!"

Bucky's resolve broke. The sirens in his mind went off, but he ignored them as he strode towards you intently. He smirked when your bravado faltered before vanishing completely when he pushed you against the door; your bodies pressed together, making sure you could feel the tent growing against his pants.

Your eyes widened in shock. "Wha-"

"You wanna know why? Huh," He asked through gritted teeth, his face hovered dangerously close to yours that you could feel the hot breath coming through his nose. Bucky didn't give you time to answer because he roughly crashed his lips towards yours. He wasted no time shoving his tongue inside your mouth.

Bucky could feel your hands against his chest, pushing him away. He could hear the muffled pleas of protest as he relentlessly assaulted your mouth. His lips left yours only to find themselves on your neck, sucking on your skin.

"Bu.. Bucky.. stop.. s-s-top." Tears cascaded down your cheeks, but you were frozen in spot, unable to wipe them away.

But Bucky ignored your appeal. He continued sucking your skin while his hands traveled your side, feeling you up. When he couldn't get enough of you, he bit the skin on your shoulder.

You yelped in pain. "Stop! Stop, get off me!"

Still, Bucky did not listen. Dissatisfied with his actions, he dragged and threw you towards the couch; he straddled over you, your hands pinned on the cushion. You squirmed beneath him, trying to escape his hold.

Bucky pulled your shirt up and found his lips back on your skin again; this time, he latched on your erect nipple and sucked as if his life depended on it. When he was done abusing both your buds, he moved to kiss your lips again, but your tear-stricken face met his eyes.

Bucky went stiff as a board, and you used that opportunity to push him, backing off as far as you can from him. Your loud sobs filled the house as you sank to a pool at your feet, hugging your knees to yourself.

You couldn't believe what your step-brother had done. Your mind couldn't begin to fathom his actions.

Bucky sat motionless, his horror-struck at his deed. He bit back the long line of profanities that ran inside his head as he stared dumbfounded at your crumpled figure.

A painful pang of guilt washed over him like a tidal wave. What had he done?

"Y/n.. I-I'm… I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He said and scrambled out of the house.

Bucky didn't come home for three days while you spent it in a daze.

Bucky kissed you; he put his tongue inside your mouth. He touched you in your private parts. He sucked on your nipple while you lay beneath him. He held you like a lover would.

But he was your brother; why would he do that?

The sound of the front door opening pulled you out from your thoughts. Your gaze met Bucky's; he had dark circles around his eyes, and you wondered briefly whose house he crashed when he didn't come home.

"Bucky…" You stood from the couch and approached him.

Bucky liked that about you. You were brave and face things head-on; you're not one to back down, just cause you were scared. But he doesn't think he could handle you right now, not after what he's done. He walked past you, intent on ignoring you.

"After what you did, I at least deserve to know the truth, don't you think?"

Your words hit home. You were right; you deserved at least that much. Sighing, he turned back and sat down on the couch.

"I know this is downright wrong, but I'm in love with you, y/n," Bucky confessed softly, and he heard your small gasp.

"But, we're… I'm your sister."

"step-sister," He corrected. "I can't help it. I love you more than a step-brother could love his step-sister. I love you as a woman y/n. I tried to stop it, but it was hard."

You deserved to know the truth no matter how disgusting, condemning, or how sinful it was.

"I am still trying." Bucky continued, and this time, he gave you a firm look. "And I need, need you to help me."

Your heart skipped a beat. "What do you want me to do, Buck?"

"Stay away from me."

You pulled back in shock. "But-"

"No buts!" He hissed. "Can't you see how hard this is for me? You think it's easy to stay away from you when I love you?" He pleaded. "After this, I want you to stay away, don't talk to me unless it's a life or death situation."

"Mom and dad will notice."

"Then don't make them notice." He got up and approached you, then reached for your hand, clasping them together. "Please, y/n, you have to."

With a heavy heart, you nodded. Bucky moved and gave you a quick peck on the forehead, and it felt like goodbye.

Weeks quickly flew by, fortunately for the both of you, your parents didn't notice a thing. You bickered like you used to during breakfast, but both of you knew that it was forced. When they weren't around, which was much since both of them worked, you barely talked to each other and were barely left alone in the house.

Bucky spent most of his time playing basketball -his new hobby to get his mind off you. He's always gone during weekends playing with his college friend Sam Wilson. You saw the guy once when Bucky invited him to dinner with your family. After that, Sam can frequently be seen in the house. Your parents were cool with it since Steve didn't come home for summer.

One afternoon, Sam was there again; you could hear their banter all the way up to your room. However, what really bothered you though was the presence of a woman -Sharon. She's Bucky and Sam's classmate in one of their class, and along with Sam, she started hanging out at your house.

You groaned, annoyed. You couldn't focus on the application essay you were supposed to write with that woman's shrill voice downstairs. You slammed your fist against your study table, intent on giving the three a piece of your mind. You stood up and marched downstairs, catching their attention.

Sharon sat between Sam and Bucky, and they were pretty occupied with a mobile game before you came.

"Can you guys keep it down? You're not the only people in the house."

"Oops, sorry, y/n." Sharon squeaked.

"We'll keep it down," Sam promised.

You just nodded before glaring at Bucky, who did not even acknowledge your presence. You grumbled something before storming back to your room, slamming the door close.

Sharon and Sam ended up having dinner with them again. With Sharon seated beside Bucky, again. Your mom told them to drop by again. And, Bucky walked Sharon home, again.

And you were getting tired of this. You wanted to help Bucky, but you can't just sit back and watch him replace you with someone else. No, you can't allow it. This has to stop.

You waited for Bucky to come home; you were in his room sitting on his bed with a determined look on your face.

As soon as Bucky stepped inside, he was shoved against the door, making it slam close. He winced at the pain on his back, but he was startled and shocked when he felt your lips connect with his in a searing kiss. His first instinct was to push you away, but his desire got the better of him. His eyes slipped close, and he kissed you back passionately.

Bucky's thoughts were in a haze as both your lips danced with each other. It didn't take long for him to invade the warmth of your mouth, fingers tangling themselves into your hair, while your hands curled around the front of his shirt, trapped between your heated bodies.

"Why," He moaned before pulling away.

Your ragged breaths filled the room; you looked at him with glistening eyes. "I don't care anymore, Bucky. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be replaced by Sam or Sharon or anyone else." A tear escaped your eye, and it cascaded down your cheek.

Bucky leaned down and kissed it away, the salty taste lingering in his tongue.

"I want you back, Bucky."

Bucky felt a painful tug on his heart at the sight. He loves you, but he was also the one making you cry. He cannot bear the thought of hurting you. He caressed your cheek and gazed at you lovingly, longingly.

"You're making this hard for me, y/n. For the both of us."

You shook your head once more and pulled his face close to yours. "I don't care anymore, James Barnes. Love me any way you want, just don't… don't leave me again."

Bucky froze at your words. He pulled away then grasped both your shoulders. "Y/n, you don't know what you're saying."

"I do. I'm not a child anymore. I want how we used to be; if accepting your love could get things back to the way it was, I accept it.

Bucky shook his head. "No,…no y/n, nothing will ever be the same if you let me love you the way I want to."

Your face visibly fell at his words. Feeling hopeless, you asked. "Why?"

"Why?" Bucky asked back softly. "Because unlike then, I'll kiss you more like this…" He started and gave you a sensual kiss on the lips. "I'll hold your hand like this…" His hand went to yours, and he intertwined your fingers.

"We used to do that when we were kids."

Bucky just hummed in response. "And I'll pull you close to me like this…" He continued and did just as he said. He pulled you against his heated body and inhaled your scent. "And you'll always ignite that burning feeling inside me, y/n. So, unless you get used to these things, I will not let you do this."

"But we used to do some of those."

"It's going to be a lot different now."

"I don't care. I'm used to it. In fact, I miss it. Don't ever leave me again, Bucky, please. I love you so much."

Bucky's eyes widened in surprise. He could feel the rapid beating of your heart against his. He pulled you in once more for a passionate kiss.

"I love you too, y/n. You don't know how much you make me happy."

[laprincesaelena]

EOA Discord Ship Appreciation Week Day 1: Valentine’s Day

a/n: hey guys! i’m so excited to be participating in the EOA discord server’s Ship Appreciation Week! i’m posting this a bit later in the day than i intended, but better late than never, right? this is also the first time i’ve ever posted a fic on tumblr, so bear with me here! anyways, here’s some cute gabelena fluff! don’t ask me when in the canon timeline this is supposed to take place in bc if i’m being honest, i don’t really know lol. but who cares about canon this week? take some cute gabelena fluff :)

also, very special thank you to @procrastinateland for doing some absolutely adorable art to go along with this fic!! it won’t be the last time you’ll be seeing her work this week! (but in the meantime, go check out her blog!! she has some more cute eoa art and more!! :) )

fic is below the cut!

Ever since her and Gabe had started dating, Elena had been looking forward to their very first Sweetheart's Day as a couple. She already had a few ideas in mind for the occasion, and the night before the holiday, she had stayed up until practically sunrise, making sure that everything would be ready by the time he'd be off from a shift that morning. She couldn't wait to see what Gabe had in store for her the next day. When she finally got to lay her head on her pillow that night, she smiled, hoping to dream about how wonderful the day would be.

After only a couple of hours of sleep, Elena opened her eyes and stretched out a bit. Not being a morning person, she didn't have any incentive to even sit up. As she rubbed her eyes in an effort to wake herself up, she had a realization, it was Sweetheart's Day! Now, she was definitely awake. She shot upright with a smile, and excitedly pulled off her covers, and headed over to her vanity to begin getting ready.

Elena shivered slightly as she began to brush through her hair, there was a reason she didn't like getting out of bed, she was all warm and comfortable a moment ago. But, she knew that soon enough, she'd be warmed right up, hopefully from a kiss or two from Gabe, or by being all wrapped up in his arms.

A few minutes later, she headed over to her closet to pick out what she would wear. Normally, she wouldn't have to think twice about this, her casual red dress was her usual go-to. But, since today was a pretty special occasion, she figured she'd choose something different. After a moment of going through her many articles of clothing, Elena finally made a decision. She picked out a light and airy hot pink dress with a floral lace pattern, which came to about her ankles. She paired the dress with a pair of wedge sandals, along with her favorite golden earrings.

Elena then returned to her vanity to brush through her long hair one more time. Next to the mirror was a small vase, filled with orchids, a Sweetheart's Day tradition. She picked off one of the flowers and placed it in her hair, and smiled. At some point today, she'd hopefully be receiving an orchid from Gabe, even though she had already been his sweetheart for a couple of months now. But, before that, she had to make sure everything was ready for him!

The crown princess headed down the halls of the palace with a pep in her step. Something was certainly in the air today, as there seemed to be every Sweetheart's Day. But this year was even more special to her, since this year, she had a sweetheart to be spending it with. Every once in a while, she'd come across a member of the palace staff who had already received their orchid that day, or one rehearsing exactly what they'd say to their sweetheart. Elena couldn't help but smile, and give a quick congratulations or word of reassurance to whoever she came across. But then, when she encountered one of the royal guards, she pulled them aside, and told them to inform Captain Núñez to meet her in the parlor immediately after his shift had ended, for there was a 'very important matter' to discuss.

Gabe was just about to head out of the guard barracks before he was pulled aside, and told that the crown princess requested his presence in the parlor immediately, for there was a very important matter to discuss. Of course, Gabe would head right there, though he couldn't help but sigh. He didn't have time for this! But what if something was actually wrong? He didn't want to risk that, so, as quickly as he could, he headed to the parlor.

When Gabe entered the room, he was practically blinded by an overwhelming amount of pink, red, and white. Colored streamers lined the walls, there was a heart shaped balloon tied onto practically every piece of furniture, and in the center of the room, was his lovely Elena.

Elena had a table all set up, with a bundle of balloons attached to either side. Placed on the table was a frame of a favorite picture of the two of them. Red, pink, and white napkins were arranged in a pattern on each side, along with matching plates to go with them. In the center, was a homemade tres leches cake, with "Happy Sweetheart's Day, Mi Amor!" written in pink icing. Elena's face was lit up with a smile, she looked so proud of her little arrangement.

"Surprise! Happy Sweetheart's Day!" she exclaimed.

"So, this was the 'very important matter' we needed to discuss, huh?" Gabe asked her, a smile forming on his face.

"Yup!" Elena responded with a nod. "But come on, this is a very important matter, it's our first Sweetheart's Day together!"

"I guess you're right," Gabe said, and began to take a closer look at everything Elena had out on the table. "Did you do all of this yourself?" he asked.

"I sure did!" Elena replied with a proud smile. "Well, I had a little bit of help from the staff with the streamers, and-" But before she could finish her sentence, Gabe cut her off with a second thought.

"Hold on, did you make this cake yourself too? There's no way." he said with a small laugh.

Though he was born the son of a baker, and was at one point expected to carry on his father's business, Gabe wasn't too good of a baker himself, and he knew Elena had just about the same amount of skill.

"This time, I made it to two leches, all on my own!" Elena told him. "By the third leche I did have my abuela step in, just to make sure we could actually enjoy it. But, I decorated it by myself! Which, I'm surprised wasn't a dead giveaway."

The cake was frosted with a layer of white icing, not perfectly, but it was at least completely covered. Elena had clearly underestimated the amount of room the center of the cake had, for about half of the word 'Sweetheart's' gradually dropped lower and lower. There was plenty of room for the word 'Day', but 'Mi Amor!' had to be crammed onto the right side, below a slanted 'Sweetheart's'. Even though the presentation of it may not have been perfect, Gabe was confident that it tasted better than it looked.

"Hey, it's certainly better than anything I could've done," Gabe said, and walked behind the table to be beside Elena. He pulled her in for a quick kiss as she wrapped her arms around him. "Everything looks great, I love it!" he added with a smile.

"I'm so glad you do, I wouldn't risk destroying the kitchen for anybody else." Elena joked, and leaned up to kiss him a second time. Then, she turned back towards the table, and picked up the knife that was lying beside the cake. "So, want a slice?" she asked.

"Uh..sure!" Gabe said, but mentally hit himself for hesitating. Though he was confident Elena's cake had come out great, and any other time he'd love to sit and have a slice with her, but he was on a bit of a time frame.

"No promises on how even these slices will be.." Elena said to herself as she began to cut them both a slice. She placed each slice on a plate, along with including a napkin and fork.

Elena handed the plate over to Gabe with a smile, and before she could even grab her own, he had already taken a couple of bites. She softly laughed to herself, hopefully that meant he was enjoying it!

"So, what do you think?" she asked him.

"It's really good, Elena," Gabe answered, already putting another piece in his mouth. "You should make these more often!" he added, his voice a bit muffled from the decently sized piece of cake he'd just eaten.

Elena tried a bit of her slice as well, and she had to admit, she was pretty proud of herself, it was really good! She turned to sit on the couch, and patted the space beside her for Gabe to join her.

"You can sit, if you'd like," she said, even though she wasn't giving him much choice, she was implying that she'd like him to sit beside her. "We aren't in any hurry!"

But little did she know, Gabe actually was in a hurry. He knew he didn't have time to sit with her, the two of them might lose track of time and be there for hours! But he also didn't want to let Elena know of this, or act suspicious in any way. He had to think, and fast. So, he turned to the side, and mumbled a quick, 'Captain Núñez!' in a voice slightly different than his own.

"Oh, sounds like someone's calling me!" he said, acting as if he weren't the one to call himself. "Thank you for everything, bye!" Gabe added hurriedly, before quickly finishing his slice of cake, and practically sprinting out of the room.

Elena barely had enough time to process what had just happened before Gabe was out of the room. She placed her plate on the couch before getting up to follow behind him, but by the time she poked her head out into the hallway, she sighed upon noticing that Gabe was nowhere to be found, nor was whoever 'called' him.

She sat back down on the couch to finish up her slice of cake, while thinking of what could possibly be up with him. Was he planning something special for her? If so, what could that be? Or, maybe Sweetheart's Day simply wasn't a big deal to him, and he didn't really care about everything she had done for him. Elena didn't even want to think that was the case, he seemed to love everything, and she had stayed up all night for it to be just perfect! She did know one thing for a fact, though, something was up with Gabe, and she was going to get to the bottom of this.

As Elena began to search around the palace for where Gabe could've possibly gone off to, she happened to bump into her abuela.

"Mija! Just the girl I wanted to see!" Luisa said to her granddaughter with a smile.

"Hi, abuela," Elena replied, returning the smile. "How's your Sweetheart's Day been so far? Has abuelo done anything extra special for you?" she asked.

"Funny that you mention that, because I was just headed to the kitchen to whip up a batch of empanadas for our Sweetheart's Day tradition! You know they're your abuelo's favorite!" Luisa responded. "And, I figured since you did such a wonderful job with that cake last night, you could help me out with the empanadas as well!"

Elena's eyes widened as she shook her head, thinking back to her occasional disasters when it came to cooking. "Oh, no, that's alright abuela, I'm sure they'd come out much better if only you made them, you know what you're doing much better than I do." she said.

"Oh, come on mijita, you'll do just fine! I could use an extra hand, and how could you say no to spending more time with your abuela?" Luisa asked, wrapping her arm around Elena and pulling her in close.

Though Elena was really more concerned about finding out what was up with Gabe at the moment, she knew she couldn't say no. Besides, maybe taking a little bit to get her mind off of that and just spend time with her abuela would be nice. Plus, she might pick up a few more tips and tricks for baking, maybe she could even learn to rival Gabe's parents' recipe!

"Okay, if you insist!" Elena replied with a soft laugh. "Let's go, then!"

Elena got herself dragged into the kitchen, and Luisa got her right to work on mixing the dough. Thankfully, there was no possible way Elena could create any sort of disaster with that (or so she hoped), and with their teamwork, a batch of empanadas was in the oven in record time. But, they weren't finished just yet. Luisa decided they'd start on a second batch, but with a different filling this time! So, Elena reluctantly returned to her task of preparing the dough.

As Elena began to knead the dough, she couldn't help but wonder what Gabe was up to, and her doubtful thoughts returned. If only abuela hadn't wanted to make a second batch, she could've already found out what was going on! But here she was, kneading another batch of dough, which hopefully would turn out alright for her abuelos.

While the second batch was baking, Elena couldn't help but take a look out the window, where she noticed that the sun was already beginning to set. Sweetheart's Day was almost over, and she had barely seen her own sweetheart at all that day. Not to mention that when she did see him, he was in quite the rush. She was snapped out of her thoughts by a tap on her shoulder, and turned back to face her abuela.

"You don't have to stay here while we wait, mija." Luisa said. "You've been more than enough help, and I had lots of fun, you're not as terrible at baking as you may think!"

"Thanks, abuela," Elena replied with a small smile. "Are you sure you don't need any more help? I'd be more than happy to stay."

"No, I insist, you go off and enjoy the rest of your night!" Luisa responded, and was now practically pushing Elena out of the kitchen. "Also, remember to look down on your way out." she added with a wink.

"Look down?" Elena asked, but once she reached the hallway, she understood what her abuela was talking about.

Right at her feet was a small envelope, with her name written in the center, along with a heart. She'd know that handwriting anywhere, it was Gabe's! Elena smiled as she bent down to pick up the envelope, so he hadn't just brushed her off! Now, the pieces were beginning to fall into place. He must've been planning something for her when he rushed out so suddenly, and her abuela was definitely distracting her with baking until everything was ready to go. Not wasting a moment, Elena tore open the envelope, pulling out a small letter inside.

I wanted this day to be special for you,

But most of my ideas just wouldn't do.

You made my day great, so it'd only be right,

To treat you to the very best Sweetheart's Night.

All around the palace, I've left a few things,

Maybe a new dress, bracelets, or rings.

But before you're able to find that out,

I'll give you a clue to think about.

Weekly we fence in the gardens or Castillo Park,

But I won't have you searching outside in the dark.

Where you'd find a person curled up with a book,

Is the very first place I'd suggest you'd look.

Elena smiled as she read along, this was certainly an exciting way to spend the rest of her night! Once she read her first clue, she knew exactly where to go, and she headed straight to the palace's library.

When she arrived at the library, she began to look around for where Gabe could've left something. Right under the painting of Avalor Bay, she found something that definitely wasn't always there!

Elena picked up a brand new sword for fencing and smiled, she couldn't wait to use this at their next fencing practice! She looked it over for a moment, before noticing something else on the ground. Beside the sword was yet another small envelope, her scavenger hunt wasn't over just yet! She tore open the second envelope, and began to read the small letter inside.

I want you to remember, that forever, through and through,

I'll always be living "La Vida Dulce" with you.

On your bed is a gift, that like you is so sweet,

I know you'll enjoy this little Sweetheart's Day treat. 

Elena couldn't help but smile as she read along. She completely agreed, she's always living the sweet life with Gabe by her side. But, thinking of those words gave her an idea as to what this present could be, and she excitedly headed up to her room to see if her guess was correct.

Sure enough, when Elena entered her room, she spotted a heart shaped box placed on her bed. When she opened the box, she'd recognize the contents anywhere. They were chocolates from her abuela's chocolate shop! Elena couldn't help but pick one up and pop it into her mouth. She couldn't help but wonder if this chocolate really was as sweet as she was, since she definitely had her days at some points. But, one thing she definitely agreed on was that she enjoyed this Sweetheart's Day treat, Avaloran chocolate was one of her favorites!

Elena placed the cover back onto the box, and noticed yet another small envelope resting beside it. She tore it open, excited to see where this next clue would lead her.

I hope that you've been having lots of fun,

Sorry for keeping you on the run!

But this next clue is your last, number three,

The most exciting gift you'll soon see.

I'm sure you know that what I've said is true,

That no matter what, I'm always with you.

This Sweetheart's Day was filled with surprises galore,

I hope that together, we'll be spending many more.

I have one last surprise to complete our night,

I can't wait to see your face filled with delight.

Outside on the terrace is where you'll find me and more,

Happy Sweetheart's Day, mi amor.

Elena left the letter, along with the other few things she had accumulated on her scavenger hunt on her bed, and excitedly ran out of her room. She felt like she had barely seen Gabe all day, so she couldn't wait to spend more time with him, and to see what this exciting surprise was!

Once she opened the doors to the terrace, Elena stopped for a moment, and gasped. She took a moment to just take in her surroundings, everything looked amazing!

The terrace was illuminated by strings of lights, and in the very center was Gabe, waiting for her with a loving smile. Behind him was a table, perfectly decorated for a candlelit dinner for two. Elena could've sworn she saw a few of the empanadas she had made earlier on the table as well! Everything looked so perfect and especially romantic, Elena's face was certainly filled with delight.

"Happy Sweetheart's Day!" Gabe said to her, with just as proud of a smile as she had worn earlier.

Elena ran right over and wrapped her arms tightly around him, pulling him in for a kiss. Gabe caught her in his arms, and once they broke apart, lifted her up and spun her around.

"Gabe, this is amazing!" she exclaimed, the smile on her face only growing. "This is the perfect way to end our night!"

"I'm glad you love it," Gabe responded, a similar smile lighting up his face. "And I'm glad you ended up here, hopefully my clues weren't too confusing." he joked with a small laugh.

"I figured out each place right away, it was a lot of fun." Elena replied. "Thank you for doing this all for me."

"Hey, it's our first Sweetheart's Day together, this is a very important matter." Gabe joked. "Besides, you did so much for me earlier today, I wanted to give you just as great of a day."

"Well, my day didn't start out exactly as I planned, since I was a bit concerned about as to why you were in such a rush earlier.." Elena explained. "At first I thought you didn't care about what I did this morning, which I thought seemed unlike you, but before I could ask you, you were gone! And now, I understand why you seemed to be in such a rush." she added with a smile.

"Exactly." Gabe replied. "And I'm really sorry if I made you feel like I didn't appreciate it, because I absolutely loved it! It was such a nice surprise to come back from my shift to."

"I'm glad you loved it." Elena responded with a smile. "I love this so much too! Speaking of, we should probably stop talking before the food gets cold or the candles go out." she added with a small laugh.

"Hang on, there's one more thing I'd like to give you." Gabe said, and let go of her for a moment.

Gabe stepped behind the table, and lifted up a vase, filled with purple orchids, a symbol of Sweetheart's Day. He took one out of the vase and walked back over to where Elena was standing, and held it out in front of him.

"Even though we've been together for a few months now, I still wanted to ask you this. In fact, I've been hoping for this moment for a couple of years now.." he said.

Elena smiled as he held out the orchid in front of her. She wanted to just take it from him right then and there, since of course she'd accept it! But, she also wanted to hear everything he had to say.

"So, Elena Castillo Flores, will you be my sweetheart?" Gabe asked with a smile.

Elena smiled big as she nodded her head. "Yes, of course I will!" she answered.

Gabe placed the stem in Elena's hand, as she looked down at it with a smile. She placed the flowers behind her ear, now having orchids decorating each side of her dark brown hair.

Elena wrapped her arms around him once again, and pulled him in for another kiss. Gabe wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her in a bit closer. Though she thought it was a bit cliché, Elena even felt her foot slightly lift off the ground.

Their very first Sweetheart's Day together may not have been completely perfect, but neither of them minded one bit. All that mattered to these two sweethearts was that they'd be able to spend their day together, and that it would be a day filled with oh so much love. And that's exactly the day Gabe and Elena received .

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[etlunainmorte]

***

V left.

No, he didn't leave you like that, no.

It's just that, he and the other Devil Hunters had business to attend to. An old score to settle, just like what Nero said. Something that was related to someone named Mundus. Well, you didn't know the person ( or if he's a person, at all ) but, V said he’s dangerous. Of course, you wanted to beg him to let you come but, you knew he would never allow it. Heck, the Devil Hunters didn't even allow Nico to come. Lady was one thing but, you being powerless as of that moment? V simply refused.

So, with a promise that he'll keep you posted with everything that will happen to them, he went away with Dante, Nero, Trish, Lady, Griffon and Shadow. He also left Andromeda with you so you could have a source of power should things get awry on your side. Also to keep you vitalized while he's gone.

And just like that, V left.

And that was six years ago.

For at least a year and a half, V never failed to send you letters and postcards, telling you of those wonderful places he visited with the rest of the group in search of this Mundus. Places that he would visit again but, with you by his side. He told you, in these letters and postcards, how much he missed you, how much he longed to be by your side, to hold you in his arms and kiss you and make you his over and over again. He told you how much he loved you and you alone, above all else. You cherished these hand - written notes from the man you loved and kept them close. You prayed for the safety of their group, and for their safe return.

But, just like that, he stopped sending letters and postcards nearly five years ago, which has made all of you, including Nico ( who lost contact with them about the same time V stopped writing ), and Kyrie ( who has to take care of her and Nero's precious five year - old daughter and manage the orphanage all by herself ) awfully worried.

You tried sending Andromeda over and over again to see if they were doing fine but, the entity refused, telling you that it is her sworn duty to protect you and never leave your side. Nico tried many times to contact the team but, every single time she managed to hit a stable connection, something strange and unexplainable would interrupt, leaving her listening to just static. Kyrie helped you send letters to the addresses where V sent his, hoping that he would, by any chance, receive them.

But, to no avail.

Still, you didn't lose hope. You distracted yourself during the day, and you fervently prayed each night. You kept the smile on your face, and kept the hope alive in your heart.

Hoping that someday, he, and the rest of the group, would return, safe and sound.

Maybe it was that hope and inspiration that made you do simple but, life - changing things, which, somehow, made an impact and directly influenced your closest friends.

You may have lost the ability to dance but, still, it didn't stop you from establishing your very own little ballet school for beginners next to a church in Fortuna where you lived. Even the kind and gentle Sister Christina flew all the way from Germany to lend her support as an overseeing headmistress while you do the ballet instructing, yourself. You even have Nero and Kyrie's girl, Eva, as one of your little protégés ( who were mostly from poor families of Fortuna whose homes were destroyed by the Dreadnought six years ago ). You even got the surprise of your life, when, one day, the man who made Galatea showed up in the school's doorstep and revealed that he was, in fact, your parents' grandson. Through him, you found out that your precious parents didn't die, after all, after the Pale Ones abducted you and your sister. They were powerless against the cult, and they weren't able to do anything when the news of the Fortuna Castle's fire reached them. They thought you were dead, and has since moved on and had another child. He also revealed that they never forgot about you and your sister until death, and the old photograph they have of you was the thing that inspired him to make Galatea.

Cagliostro, who was, surprisingly, engaged to none other than Alicia, who has fully grown into a beautiful and mature woman, helped with the interior decorating. He has finally moved on from his heartbreak and found a new purpose in life - to be a much better artist and build a family of his own with his Hispanic fiancée.

Alicia, on the other hand, has figured out that her mother's strange behavior before her death was due to an unknown mental illness caused by a past trauma, and has since then dedicated the early years of her life as a licensed doctor to help people with the same case and helped a larger, more prominent medical team to develop a cure for this. 

Petya ( who was balding and happy ) and Natasha ( who still preferred being called Solagne ) never failed to drop by almost every month, bringing both French and Russian beverages with them, just to have little parties with you and the rest of your little group of loving friends. You even saw the haughty woman teaching music to your students during your break ( you only kept this to yourself but, you knew that the poor woman, who, according to Petya, was unfortunately unable to conceive, was longing for a cute little girl of her own ).

Nico, who still kept her lines open just in case one of the Devil Hunters called, improved a lot as an Artisan during those six years of her friend and partner, Nero's absence. Of course, just like you and Kyrie, she never lost hope that they would return someday, and since then, she has developed more powerful and much more revolutionary weapons for Nero to use. Guns, Devil Breakers, and even other, weird - looking gadgets that she called works of art. You even told her that she has surpassed her grandmother, Nell Goldstein, and more but, the woman wouldn't admit this. Said that she must first let Nero test all of her creations and let him admit that to her straight in the face.

Kyrie, just like you, remained ever vigilant. In fact, now that her daughter's growing up, she wanted nothing more than to have Nero finally meet his little girl. She helped you with the ballet school whenever she has time off the orphanage she and her husband built. She even cooked sumptuous meals for you and your little prima ballerina wannabes. And when the busy days were finally over, she, who you built a strong, friendly relationship with over those six years, would always go with you to the nearby church to pray for the return of your beloved ones.

A lot has happened during those years, things that helped you grow as a person.

And on the sixth year during the anniversary of the day you and V got together after so many trials and hardships, you decided to leave Fortuna for a bit to visit Red Grave, where Dante and V's house once stood.

After the Qliphoth incident that almost took the lives of hundreds of Red Grave's innocent citizens, the ruins of Sparda's residence has turned into a secret garden of some sort. For some reason, briars climbed on the broken walls and pillars, filling the whole place with vines, thorns, and roses. Yes. Roses of all kinds and colors. The mansion has turned into the largest rose garden you have ever seen.

You marveled at the sight and settled down, placing your bag on an old bench and sitting next to it. And as soon as your eyes landed on the beautiful sunset, you couldn't help but feel miserable. You and V loved watching the sunset from this very bench, and he has even told you that this has become his most favorite place in the world, now that this old house has turned into a massive garden of wild and fragrant roses.

And the moment you thought of V, you couldn't help but cry silent tears of longing.

Yes, you refused to let them see your weak side but, it didn't stop you from crying each night, from having dreams of him and you being together,...

... of you finally being lovingly held in his arms,...

"Where are you, V?" You miserably wept as your arms automatically went up to wipe your tears with the sleeves of your pink hoodie. "I missed you, so, so, so much,..."

You stayed there for what seemed like hours until you felt you could no longer cry, and when the moon has risen high above the starry sky, just like that one evening when you danced your first ever waltz with him, you decided to stand and retire for the day. Just then, some nagging thoughts plagued your mind,...

Did they fail in their mission to bring down Mundus? What if they, he, never return? What would happen now? What - ?

All of a sudden, you felt the temperature drop. Your hands went up to rub your arms due to the sudden cold that sent shivers up and down your back.

The wind blew, making the clouds roll by, concealing the moon and plunging the whole place in darkness.

That was when you saw,... something,... from a distance. At first, you thought your eyes were deceiving you but, alas, you were wrong.

If anything, they even widened at the sight that greeted you.

An unearthly slash in mid air, the blue and purple light radiating from it as if the atmosphere, itself, was ripped, and some people emerging from it.

"Why did you bring us here?" A familiar voice, which made you emotional all over again, questioned, his voice ringing in the air and disturbing everything within his immediate vicinity.

"Because V told me so!" Another answered.

"Whatever! I'll just go back to the shop and order pizza. Wanna come with me, ladies?"

"You're inviting us, Dante? Are you serious?!"

"Hey, what's wrong with that, huh, Lady?"

"Nothing. Except that your shop probably has six years worth of dust now. No, thanks!"

"How about you, Trish?"

"No, thanks. I want to go back to my own house and have a long bath."

"Eh, whatever. I'm not sharing!"

"Hey, look!"

Your eyesight almost became blurry with tears as the group finally noticed you standing from a distance. From there, you saw Dante ( who, easy to say, has become scruffier than ever before ), Nero ( who now looked a bit more like Dante due to his beard and shoulder - length hair ), Lady ( whose looks somehow stayed the same ), Trish ( who, just like the former, seemed to not have changed, at all ), Griffon ( still bald, and still lanky ), and Shadow ( now the same height as Lady and Trish and no longer a little girl but, a gorgeous young woman ).

But, what made you truly emotional was the figure standing behind them, slightly concealed.

Shoulder length snow white hair now long and waist length, emerald eyes that looked more gentle than ever before with little creases below them, that all - too familiar posture as he leaned on his metal cane, and that smile you missed so much,...

"Hey, uh, send my regards to Kyrie and Nico, will ya?" Dante told Nero as he nudged his nephew with an elbow. He, then, waved and winked at you as he gestured towards the silent man behind him.

"Let's go home." Lady said as she smiled at you.

"I'm with you." Trish replied as she waved at you, finally leaving the place together with Lady and Dante.

"Let's go back to Fortuna, you two." Nero told Griffon and Shadow. "I could sense Kyrie making apple pie right now."

"Talk to ya later, sweet pea!" Griffon yelled and waved at you as he went with Nero and Shadow back to the portal the Yamato has just made.

Which left only the two of you.

You had no idea what went on between the two of you during those awkward and agonizing moments or how long it took for you to finally go to him. You didn't even notice the clouds as they rolled away to let the moon shine down once more. And when he finally wrapped you in an embrace you longed so much for so long, you couldn't help but soak his white shirt with tears.

"Ssh, it's alright." He whispered to your ear as his hands rubbed your back to warm you. "I'm here now. I'm here."

"W - welcome back, V!" You greeted through your sobs, making the poet chuckle in amusement. "I have waited for so long! I never lost hope that you would return, but just now, I thought that - "

"It's alright, my love. Everything would be fine now. Our hunt for Mundus has brought us all to the Underworld. And he is gone. Finally gone. At last, we can finally live in peace."

You looked up at him and let him wipe your tears away with his thumbs. "Is that why we can't reach you? You went to the Underworld?"

"Yes. And I'm afraid to say that,... time works differently there from here. We've only been there for six days but,... when we resurfaced, it seems that,... six years,... has already passed."

"Are you okay? Were you hurt? Tell me, please! I will take care of you,..."

"There's no need. I will be the one who will take care of you. And I'm sorry,... for disappearing for too long,..."

"You don't have to say sorry. You fought bravely for us. Oh, dear God, I missed you so much! I missed you, so, so much!"

"And I missed you too, my love." V told you as he pulled you even closer to him if that's still possible. "You see, I even rushed here to meet you."

And you? You couldn't explain the happiness that was flooding your chest and making it burst.

"But, how did you know I will go here?"

"Cassandra told me."

"Oh, I see."

"Hmm,..."

You gave him a look of utter confusion as he let you go, chuckling as he noticed the pout on your lips.

"I have,... something for you." He said as he grabbed something from his bag. You eagerly waited as he searched, and when he finally handed you a pack of popcorn, you couldn't help but smile.

"You bought this, V?" You asked him as the smell of butter reached your nostrils.

"Yes. We haven't finished Endgame, have we?"

"Come to think of it, no, we haven't." You admitted.

V smiled as he reached for his bag once more, producing a stuffed tiger from it and giving it to you, reminding you of,...

"Is this,... did you win this at the carnival?"

V proudly hummed. "I have,... quite a skill with,... should we say,... sniping?"

Oh, God, he remembered! You happily thought. He remembered I have a really bad aim and couldn't win the stuffed tiger at the carnival.

"And that's not all." V said.

"Hmm?"

"I went fishing."

"Oh, you did?! What happened?"

"I caught a boot."

"YOU DIDN'T!"

V laughed, the sound of his low voice sending warmth all throughout your whole body. In fact, you have never felt so warm in your entire life. And when he handed you a single boot from his bag just for laughs, you fell in love with him all over again.

"I - I never thought this is possible, oh my!" You confessed through fits of laughter, however, at this point, the smile on V's face vanished. You noticed this and went silent as he took the boot from your hands and upended it, making a small velvet box the color of your eyes fall from it. Then, he went down on one knee and opened the box, revealing the most beautiful ring with an emerald attached to it.

Why,... did you not see this coming?

But, whatever the reason was, V was right there, right in front of you, offering you something more than just an emerald ring inside a boot he claimed he has fished.

And when he looked into your eyes, you saw something.

Truth.

Loyalty.

Love.

Passion.

And most importantly,...

I see,... you thought as your heart filled up with love and gladness. My future,... before me,...

"(Y/N) (L/N)," V declared. " ... will you marry me?"

***

🖤 I See My Future Before Me 🖤

***

XXXV

***

🖤 @la-vita , @micaelagua , @vergils-daughter , @beyond-the-mirror , @clevermentalitybeliever , @lessy86 , @ceruleanworld , @diabeticsugarush , @yepps , @shadowrosess , @gothghoulfrend , @heaven-on-a-landslide , and @krazy06 . 🖤

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