#also i am slowly learning to just come to a stopping point with art

[esprei]

possessed!volo au doodles

[thedeviltohisangel]

Invisible String

totally blame @karasnonsense99 for making me think about theseus in that way again. but also the way this gif changed me.

anyways. just had to get something for him written down and off my chest. i will write more if anyone would like me to. xoxo

She nearly dropped the glass gallon of pumpkin juice with a screech as the light turned on in her apartment and a man was lounging on her couch.

“Theseus? What are you doing here?” It had been years since she’d seen the wizard. Their farewell on the battle fields of the muggle war feeling like a lifetime ago. “Did you break into my-“ Margot paused as he remained silent to her line of questioning.

“I didn’t know where else to go. I thought of home. Thought of some place with warmth and comfort. Ended up here.” Her tiny apartment in New York. As far away from France as he could think to get.

“The funeral last week,” she sighed as she placed her juice in the kitchen and went to sit next to him.

“You weren’t there. I looked for you and you weren’t there.”

“I thought you’d want some space. Not a reminder of the aftermath.” She’d been in Paris at the time of the rally and Leta’s death. Had been hired to pose with makeup at Galeries Lafayette.

“Yet here I am. Seeking you out and all that brings with it.”

“Here you are,” she murmured back. “Hungry? Thirsty?” Breaking the trance of his gaze at the ceiling, he followed her form into the kitchen and listened to her rifling around.

“I should get going. Get back to London.”

“Already? You’ve only just gotten here.” Margot’s head poked out from the other room with a frown on her face. “At least stay for dinner.”

“I need to get back to normal.” He rose into a seated position, resting his elbows on the top of his thighs.

“You could find a new normal.” Theseus craned his neck to try and catch a glimpse of what was in the pots flying through the air. “Stay here and relax for a couple days and then decide.” She assumed he had come all this way for more than just a moment of respite. Assumed he was looking for a distraction. Someone to keep an eye on him during this period of healing. This is always how it was between them. They always said farewell then came back together when other was seeking a steady hand or a flutter in their heart. Looking for unconditional love.

“You paint anything new recently?” he rose slowly and made to glance down the short hall toward her spare room. A room he knew was filled with canvases and paints and a myriad of arts supplies. All her money went towards her passion for creation. The modeling wasn’t fun but a means to an end. It gave her enough coins to keep a roof over her head, canvas in her room and food for her Pygmy puff, Felix.

“A little. They’ve got me traveling more for photos. Doesn’t leave a lot of time.” The boiling and bubbling stopped and was replaced by plates clanging and silverware spriting to her tiny table and mismatched chairs.

“I thought the point was to fund your painting. Not let it take over.”

“My art doesn’t pay the bills.”

“You don’t put your art out there.” He was in the doorway now, Margot blinking at the way he filled it completely, looking at her like a lecture was brewing.

“And what if I did? No one wants to buy it-“

“Gogo-“ She flinched away from the old nickname. The name he’d called her the first time they’d shared a bed. And every time after.

“Let’s eat before the sausages get cold.” The plates followed her to the table and settled softly.

“You would tell me if money was tight?” He had tried to offer her assistance in the past. She never accepted it.

“No,” Margot answered as she bit into their dinner. They ate quietly. She was afraid he would disappear to London as soon as they finished. Her chews were as slow as possible.

It didn’t used to be this way between them. Before The Great War, they’d met at Hogwarts. Margot the only thing able to distract the perfect student that was Theseus Scamander. The years in between spent traveling and learning and experiencing. He’d settled at the Auror office and she’d struggled to find her way. He’d been the only one to encourage her to keep creating. The war…it had taken the color right out of her.

“Thank you for dinner.” Thought it had been different, it had been familiar. A reminder of the life they could have had together. The peace his life could have been.

“You’re welcome anytime.” She waved her hand and the dishes drifted to the sink. “Spend the night at least?” Don't leave me alone. I can’t say goodbye to you again.

“Okay.” Ask me to stay more than just tonight. Ask me to be in your life again. Tell me we can be each other’s safety and security again.

Tell me I’m worthy of love. Worthy of you.

Tell me we’ll learn each our own language again. See color again.

Tell me one day I’ll be able to look in the mirror.

Look at you.

And not have to ever wonder if you see me.

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Well I guess the oneshot did the trick, because I finished a chapter.

Still not exactly doing great, but this helps a little.

And this overdramatic SOB just makes me swoon a completely normal amount.

don't stare at the nipple don't stare at the nipple don't stare at the oh dear gods honestly how dare he

Hearing Problems

LA!Mihawk x OC

Previous Chapter Link

Next Chapter Link

Chapter 3: Solidarity

Trigger Warnings: Mild Suicidal Ideation

Wordcount: 2.4k

Tags: Slow-burn, Enemies to Lovers, eventually NSFW, uh, if I think of more I'll add them or something

People Tags: @mihawksdemoness also thank you for asking to be tagged like I am in awe thank you so much???

After having her sloop sunk by the Buggy Pirates and losing most of her worldly possessions in the process, the normally solitary mercenary Karimi Lionne finds herself teaming up with the rag-tag little crew that is the Strawhat Pirates to defeat them. She bonds with them far more quickly than she bargained for, and that quickly turns into a problem for the Kiku Kiku no Mi devil fruit user when she learns of Nami's plans to leave them high and dry, and Zoro issues a challenge at Baratie that he very likely won't live long enough to regret.

The stars were beautiful tonight, if nothing else.

Karimi did her best to focus her mind in on that, despite how they seemed to swim and swirl a bit in her vision, how her thoughts swam and swirled in her head.

How the image of his eyes seemed to have burned straight into her eyelids, to the point that she didn't want to do so much as blink.

How his words had burned into her ears, and she could still hear the threat behind them echoing around in her skull, hear his voice as clearly as if she were listening in on his thoughts at that very moment. Tomorrow, tomorrow morning, after the duel.

A heartbeat or a bloodied corpse.

Her own heartbeat raced into an absolute frenzy.

Part of her screamed loudly, so loudly that she could just slip herself right over the edge of the dock, to just slip into the chill of the ocean and sink down and never come up again.

She pulled her feet out of the water immediately, sitting straight up and wrapping her arms around her bended knees, shuddering the slightest bit.

His words. Not only his words, but his anger rang clear as day through her while she stared out at the night sky, out toward the horizon, wishing she could very far closer to it than to where she was right now.

There was every chance that she had just lessened Zoro's chances of survival rather than improve them.

She lowered her forehead to her knees. As the saltwater dripped away and her skin dried, the chatter of every person within a fifty food radius slowly began to raise in volume in her head. Closing her eyes a bit tighter, pulling her legs in closer to her chest, she bit her lip and focused.

Focused every ounce of her energy to making it stop.

Her own thoughts were too much right now, much less everyone else's.

And slowly—so slowly, but oh, so welcome, the silence came again. An audible sigh trembled its way through her lips.

Busoshoku haki. It wasn't fool-proof, but it worked when she needed it to. For the ten years she had spent with her grandmother, the older woman had employed it constantly to suppress Karimi's devil fruit abilities, but Karimi herself wasn't as proficient. She had less than two years of training in the art, from her time traveling with the Red Hair Pirates six years ago, and she couldn't do much with it except dampen her own abilities.

If she focused it in just behind her ears, focused it down to a pair of small points of energy and connected them together through her skull, then she had the sweet, sweet silence she so craved, that she could manage on her own on a day to day basis.

"So what did he have to say?"

The sound of Nami's voice, nearly monotone but with an edge of accusation to it, startled Karimi so badly that she nearly did slip off the dock.

"God dammit—"

Dear gods why couldn't everyone just leave her alone?

"Hey—!" Karimi grew instantly tense when she felt Nami's hand on her shoulder, steadying her before she could topple over. "Shit. Was it that bad?"

The accusatory note in her voice dropped away almost in an instant, and Karimi could only scoff, shaking her head. Her eyes briefly cut toward Nami when the younger girl took a seat beside her on the docks, looking at her in a mix of alarm and caution. "It wasn't great, no," she said shortly. Karimi shook her head, staring down at the gentle waves that rocked against the floating dock. She sighed, pressing her palm into one of her eyes against the sharp pain of a headache forming behind them. "You ever just want to...say the hell with it all and toss yourself in the ocean and be done?"

"Ah...yeah...." She noticed Nami reach around her and subtly pull the wine bottle away from her side. "Maybe we should just get back to Merry and—"

"I know what you're planning."

Nami froze in an instant at that, her eyes glued to Karimi's for a moment when she turned her head and looked over.

"I don't know what you're—"

"Don't bother," said Karimi, waving a dismissive hand, her voice still slurred. "You're leaving. And I get it. I would too in your shoes. If I could...." She swallowed. Exhaled a slow sigh that puffed out her cheeks slightly, looking at Nami, at how her brows furrowed. "I lost...everything ten years ago. My village. My friends. My...family." She shook her head. "I'd trade anything to have that back. So I get it. You'd trade everything too. But, look."

Nami froze when Karimi turned, reached out and put her hands on her shoulders, leveling her gaze with with hers.

"That—scrawny little shit back there in his silly little hat," she went on, nodding back toward the Merry, "I guarantee, if you go, he's going to chase you down, and he's going to do everything in his power to help whether you want him to or not, because that's what he does. So you need to think carefully about how you're going to proceed with this."

Nami stared at her for several long seconds, her eyes wide as saucers, her mouth hanging slightly open in shock.

And then she shoved Karimi's hands off of her shoulders, shifting away several inches. "How—how the hell do you—no." She shook her head, reaching down to her bag at her side. "No, why—" Karimi's eyes shifted down as Nami pulled an old, yellowed wanted poster out of her bag. "Why are you lying to everyone? Two billion berries?"

Karimi's gaze became glued to the wanted poster, and when she reached out to grab it, Nami pulled it back, holding it over her head.

"You think you can just, what, dye your hair a little darker, and no one's going to notice?" she said, raising her eyebrows. "Maybe the guys won't, but I'm not an idiot."

Karimi barely even heard her, her eyes glued to the paper flapping in the light breeze over their heads. She had kept that poster for the better part of eight years, kept it tucked away with her belongings, tucked under her pillow wherever she slept. She lowered her gaze, leveling her eyes with Nami's as she spoke through her teeth.

"Give. It. Back."

Nami's resolve faltered a little for a moment—but just long enough of a moment. Karimi was able to lash out her hand and grab the poster, pulling it to her chest and sighing slowly, her eyes slipping shut.

"Th...that's...not you?" she said slowly, and Karimi shook her head.

"It's my grandmother." She carefully folded the poster without looking at it again, slipping it into her pocket. "And it's the only picture I have of her." She glanced at Nami, trying hard, incredibly hard not to be mad at the girl as her gaze softened. "She was murdered right in front of me ten years ago."

"I..." She swallowed. "I'm...so sorry, I..." She shook her head. "You look...you could be her *twin*, I thought—" Once more, Nami shook her head, looking Karimi up and down quickly. "How do you know about my village?" she asked finally.

"I know a little about a lot of things." Karimi set to tugging her socks back on. "I...have a devil fruit ability. I can hear thoughts. I keep it suppressed the majority of the time because it would frankly drive me insane if I didn't, but..." She glanced at Nami, frowning apologetically. "When we fought with Kuro, I had to release it. I can't control what I hear. And your thoughts were a lot louder than anyone else's."

Nami swallowed, blinking several times. "You...can hear thoughts," she repeated quietly. Karimi shrugged a shoulder and gave a quick nod, pulling one if her boots back on now. "Th...that's..."

"Something that would have made you all a lot less likely to have me along had you known it off the rip," Karimi finished for her, sighing. Maybe not Luffy—it was incredibly likely he would have been in awe. "And for the record, I'm not using it right now. Shanks was able to help me learn to control it to some extent."

Nami nodded, standing with Karimi as she finished tugging her other boot on. "You...said your village was destroyed." She cut her eyes at Nami, taking her bottle of wine back when the orange-haired girl offered it to her. "Was it pirates?"

"Marines." She took a swig from the bottle, slinging an arm around Nami's shoulders. "There's good eggs and bad eggs in every batch. I don't like Marines on the whole, but there are a few exceptions. You don't like pirates," she went on as they crossed dock, "but I think you've seen enough to know that there are a few exceptions."

Karimi offered her the bottle of wine with a wry smile, and Nami took it, taking a drink from it. "Yeah," she agreed, staring up at the Merry as they stopped in front of it. "I guess there are."

Nami had to help her back onto the ship—she had definitely gone way too heavy on the drink tonight, something she rarely did and was sure she would be embarrassed about in the morning, but right now she didn't care. Right now, falling back into an empty hammock and tucking her hands behind her neck, all Karimi cared to give her time and attention to was the sweet release of sleep.

Hopefully a dreamless sleep, devoid of the annoyances and terrors of the waking world.

Hopefully devoid of her harebrained promise to serve a surly pirate warlord if he would leave an acquaintance she had met literal days ago alive.

Devoid of the heartbroken look on Luffy's face when he realized Nami was leaving—when he realized she was leaving.

Empty, dreamless, not a single thought of the face on the wanted poster she carried with her everywhere, the face she had watched break into desperate tears ten years ago, beg to let her granddaughter live, just let her live, she would give anything, she didn't care if they killed her—

Karimi's eyes snapped open.

And then they shut in an instant against the persistent and painful rays of the morning sun pouring throughtthe rounded window across from her.

As she did every morning, she started to focus, to employ her haki and drown out the mindless chatter in her head...and then she stopped.

She stooped as she heard the desperation, the horror outside the ship.

And she scrambled to her feet, stumbling out of the cabin to lean against the railing around the deck if the ship.

Just in time to watch Mihawk draw his sword from his back.

To watch him pull it down in a clean slash.

Watch Zoro fall to his knees and onto his back.

She sank down onto her own knees, exhaling a slow sigh, eyes wide and hands gripping at the railing around the deck. There, then, was her answer. There, in the form of one if her newest friends bleeding out in front of Baratie, clinging to the edge of life, certain to slip away at any moment.

"I hope you've already packed your things."

And she froze.

Karimi lifted her head slowly, meeting his yellow eyes as he stood over her, his arms crossed. Her brow furrowed as she glanced out toward the deck of Baratie, watching as the others surrounded Zoro, trying to keep him awake. She looked back at Mihawk, gritting her teeth.

"He's almost dead, you—"

"Almost, yes." He leaned his elbow against the railing if the ship. "And if he can't survive that, then he wasn't worth my time to begin with."

Oh.

Oh, the complete bastard.

He had left Zoro clinging to the edge of life, and he still expected her to keep up her end of the deal.

And yet...she had set the terms herself.

"F...fine," she said, pulling herself to her feet. She cast a glance down toward the docks, her heart clenching in her chest at the sight of Luffy kneeling over his first mate. "Just...let me say goodbye."

"Are you that close with them?" he asked, and the amusement in his tone was enough to boil her blood. She cast a glare over her shoulder in his direction, and he simply shrugged a shoulder. "Fine. You have an hour." He took a step closer, seizing her by her chin, his eyes searching hers for any sign of defiance. "Gather your belongings..." He leaned in closer, his forehead barely touching hers, the wide brim of his hat shadowing both of their faces. "...and your wits, and we'll be off."

His amusement was clear to her in more than just his gaze or his tone—Karimi could hear it in his head, hear just how pleased he was with himself as he left the ship.

And she didn't want to hear it for another second.

Karimi quickly employed her haki, shoved her walls up as high they could go, and watched him head down the docks, lowering herself back down to her knees to watch him through the railing. Her heart pounding, her bottom lip trembling, she knew she had no choice.

She had made her her bed amd now she had no choice to lie in it.

She had told him she would be his...and now she was.

Next Chapter Link again for your convenience

[r2kisblog]

Coffeetalk

Something that needs to be addressed:

I haven't posted many drawings lately, and when I did, it's often simple drawings or sketches. To be honest, I'm keeping a lot to myself, I'm actually drawing quite a lot, but I'm not really in the mood to show everything on socialmedia because,..

..I am learning to draw for myself...

It might sound super strange but I'm realizing how social media has actually ruined my love for drawing.

Imagine constantly trying to draw something that could get a lot of likes, following trends because other artists are doing it too and gives you attention, putting yourself under pressure because you think your followers will leave if you don't post regularly and if you don't post the content they want to see.

Constantly comparing yourself to others to the point that it becomes super toxic and unhealthy for yourself.

As soon you start to focus on specific fandoms and you grow, all of these influences you a lot and you'll come to a point where you feel deeply burnt after every art you finish only for the sake of posting...

And then, you start unintentionally paying attention to the numbers. You constantly check if your post is a hit or not. You become disappointed when it does not reach your expectation. You are finding yourself checking on your phone, checking and checking...And then it becomes at some point a never-ending cycling...

It doesn't matter if it's the likes or the followers. In the end, it becomes an unhealthy obsession and the worst thing about it is,..

..that YOU DON'T REALIZE IT, until your love for your hobby becomes more of an hate and you start question yourself, why are you even doing this. It makes you sick....

..So much that you completely forget why you started painting in the first place. The moment I realized it burnt me, was the moment when I deleted my accounts and took a longer break. I disconnected pretty much with the things that brought me this kind of beeing "burnt." I stopped talking with some people, disconnected myself from social media, and started the process of healing. After a while i made a fresh new account, and while i had the new account i still found myself beeing trapped in the thinking " i need to be seen in social media or else what is the point of having an account " , " i need fast something that interest me hard so i can get into drawing again" " maybe i should enter a very large fandom, maybe this is gonna work for me "...

As soon as i realized the trap was here again, i moved again away from social media. This time, without deleting my Accounts, but rather taking my time trying to figure out what was the reason in the first place that i started to draw a lot, with the intention of improving. Honestly, after many, many months, i am still searching for an answer..and that's fine! It's telling me that i don't need to force myself to like something i am not interested in and giving myself just a lot of time until something truly interest me.

Right now i do not feel the need to post much on social media, the numbers don't do anything to me anymore because i realized in the end these are only numbers...

I see more people using the advantage of AI Tools to fool people for the sake of getting a lot of likes. I also see artists who suddenly trace or heavily refrencing other people art without credit for the sake of likes or to be seen by the people. Honestly, is this really making you happy? That's what I question myself every time I see people do this. 😥

All of this made me think that my long break is truly healing me, and i get my love for art back again. Slowly liking the little drawings i do truly for myself, without thinking if others might like it or not. And taking time finding the answer, what made me start to do art in the first place and what i want to aim. And not forcing myself to draw for fandoms, I truly don't want to do it for the sake of numbers.

If you read this and you might be in a similar situation 🤲..

no matter if you draw, write, or do anything else, your art will always matter because you put your dedication and love to something you truly love. And there will always be people appreciating what you're create but your priority should be always yourself . It is your creation you truly care for that will give you a smile which thousands numbers will not do the same. Never force yourself doing the things you don't fully enjoy.

Always do a break whenever you need it!

( English is not my native language I apologize for mistakes in advance)

[cowgurrrl]

yay you‘re an aries, too 💕

ugh i‘ve gotta write my term paper and i‘m sooo annoyed because i really hate one of the the authors whose work i‘m analyzing (it‘s about 16th century art literature) but i gotta do it because i‘m only two assignments away from my masters thesis and i‘m sooo exhausted ;_;

okay sorry for the rant. i was just wondering if maybeee you‘d like to write a cute lil’ drabble or hc about joel supporting a reader that’s struggling with their assignment for uni? >_<

anyhow, love you & your writing. keep up the good work & take care of yourself 💕

Congratulations on your master’s thesis!! You’re going to do amazing things! I took this in a little more of preoutbreak!Joel hc so I hope you enjoy 💓

Joel as your study buddy headcanons

Pairing: preoutbreak!Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: the lovely Joel “fractions” Miller gif is by @loregifs also I am slowly working through requests!! Thank you for sending me so many fun ones! 🫶

Warnings: school stress, fluff!!

I don’t think Joel would’ve gone to college and if he did, I don’t think he would’ve finished it out because of Sarah but when he meets you while you’re in the midst of your grad courses, he’s in awe of your work ethic and determination

He likes to look over your shoulder when you're transcribing notes or reading for class

Definitely would stop by campus to have lunch with you if he had a job nearby

One time Sarah had an early release day on the same day Joel had a rural site forty five minutes away so you picked her up and had to take her to lecture with you

She loved every minute of it. She liked roaming the campus and listening to your professor, even if she didn’t fully understand what she was talking about, and asked you a million different questions about college

Will literally listen to you ramble about the newest thing you’re learning because he likes seeing you get so excited/engaged

When finals roll around, he’s not quite sure what he can do to help the blanket-covered, ink-stained, stressed heap of grad student in his living room but he’ll occasionally walk by and kiss your temple, saying praises into your skin

“You’re so smart.” “You can do this.” “D’you need anything?” “You’re gonna do great.” “I love you.”

He’d definitely be the type of guy who would cut up fruit and wordlessly leave it on the table in front of you with a glass of water

When you’re crying because of the stress, deadlines, readings, he’s always there to soothe your anxiety and offer you a break

Sometimes you two will sit and watch some mindless reality show or talk to Sarah about her day or go for a drive, pointing out the wildflowers on the side of the highway. He’ll do anything to get your mind to reset so you can come back to your studying

He’d help you run through your flashcards so you can study but not before trying to make a stripping game out of it

“Joel, I need to pass!” “That’s why it’s effective!”

When you eventually do pass all your finals, he takes you and Sarah out to dinner and tells the waiter about how smart his girlfriend is when the poor guy asks if you’re celebrating anything

Joel takes any opportunity to gush about you

When you graduate, he makes the BIGGEST DEAL

He’s the loudest person at graduation and showers you with flowers, kisses, and attention. You and Sarah just laugh at his theatrics but love him for it anyways

He would definitely splurge and buy you the nice frame for your diploma and you very quickly tell him he doesn’t have to because they’re so expensive but he just kisses you to shut you up

“I wanted to. ‘M proud of you and I want everyone to know,” he mumbles against you. “Besides, when you make me a trophy husband, it’ll balance out.”

[xivrefsheets]

Dawntrail Updates!

Figured I may as well toss a post to the void with DT rapidly approaching. Ahem. Hello! First of all...

Wow... thanks a bunch! I'm happy this little project has proven to be so helpful for so many folks out there! I figured once I stopped updating that this blog was gonna fizzle out into obscurity but I'm still getting quite a bit of interaction despite the inactivity (I really do miss Tumblr sometimes...)

Anyway, wanted to put an update out here on things going forward after DT drops and knowing how rambly and Autistic™ I tend to get, I'll just put that in a cut.

So as I've mentioned in passing in the tags of a random ask, I'm sort of considering opening comms for ref sheets again due to really Really Spicy money-related happenings in my personal life. However, there's a few steps along the way before I make this a reality and this isn't even a full guarantee it'll happen as I'll also be opening art commissions in the near future and those will take more time and priority over ref sheets PLUS there's the factors that led me to closing in the first place.

I'm trying to steer away from using Anamnesis going forward for a number of reasons (some borderline petty, I admit) but I've been introduced to some nifty new plugins that are slowly taking the program's place that make posing infinitely easier and also fix the primary issue I had with Ana which was.... not allowing unique NPC faces to show in gpose anymore. (Yes I'm aware that they still worked for carbuncles and the like but that was just enough of a hassle for my posing needs that it made the sheets Not worth making anymore since I was already dealing with other stress on the side at the time as well). I'm still learning how to effectively utilize said plugins and once I've gotten better and mastered them that'll be the end of step 1.

Step 2 is gonna be... well... waiting for DT to drop. As we all know, a massive graphics overhaul is coming, so there's very little point in opening requests for new characters now when the models are about to be more detailed and will very likely be tweaked along the way if player feedback affects NPCs down the line.

Step 3... that I dread... revamping my studio yet again. Mostly just gonna be taking out some of the extra light sources since those tend to get in the way when the model is really tall and also researching more setups. May also see about utilizing chromakey as well. Idk idk. I doubt I'll have the energy to make the sheets super pretty like some folks do, but taking transparent shots will cut out a lot of distracting factors and make the finished sheets look a bit better I think.

Then after that, I'll probably do some practice rounds and re-work sheets for popular characters as well as fixing the old, shitty sheets from when I first started that were Way Too Yellow that I've been meaning to fix for literal years now (so sorry to all my fellow color-picking artists friends out there I'm sorry that's so annoying... TTATT) and from there I'll see if it's something I still want to pursue and open comms for.

I'll shoot for maybeeeee mid-August or so for the next update. Obviously, I still have a job and I'll be enjoying DT with the rest of you guys so it'll be some time before I even think of doing ref sheets again, but I at least wanted to throw out there that this is still something I think about, but a number of factors made me stop to begin with. One factor being...

...pricing! If/when I open again, it'll likely be a proper commission post on ko-fi and I'm thinking of starting at $10 with tipping enabled. In the beginning, I was allowing requests for the barest minimum of a donation and the constant $3 for characters with a ton of details to cover was getting a bit demotivating after a while, so I'm sorry if this puts off past and future clients, but I am doing all of this in my free time, so... ;w;

ANYWAY! If anyone read all this... thank you! I know it's a Lot and I'm sorry. Been a minute since I've had to do some sort of official addressing like this... haha.

Feel free to follow my ko-fi for updates regarding ref sheet commissions, art commissions, and whatever new art I post (if you're into that) and maybe toss a dollar or two my way since, yanno, I'm Quite broke rn and have an unpaid vacation coming up... 👉👈 or if you just wanna support a fellow queer this June.

and if y'all don't hear from me in a few months just assume I lied LOL!

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I used to draw such good dynamic poses when I was younger what happed to me 😭😭😭 all of these are from 2021 done in a short time with no refs- Like how did I do that aslkdna I mean I still dont use refs often unless Im doing studies or struggling but like I feel like I've lost that confidence man- the closest I've had recently to havin a really nice dynamic pose was that young Leo art I colored, and the thumbs I had for that

Which was this, and I still adore it but I picked the other pose cuz it showed off her new design better. But like back on topic I think the reason for this dip quality I think is because back then I just drew whatever the fuck I wanted- There was no pressure in my head that it had to look cool, so it just made me more confident and made me draw more often. but since gaining a followin and learning more about the fundamentals its kinda tied me down to thinking that I have to always be producing at a certain level of quality- Like dont get me wrong, all artist go through a "dip" in their art when their "artist eye" improves faster than their skill. And not all of my art from 2021 were this good, I def had to pick from the pile of chicken scratches I had. But I feel like dynamic poses like those happened more often back then compared to now. Like I made this account specifically to like get out of my head and post all my scribbles and learn to stop carin so much about the quality of everything I put out. And I do post almost every silly lil thing I put down onto here and it does help but it just doesnt change the fact I havent been drawin much at all :'] Hence the infrequent updates. I feel like thats something a lot of older artist struggle in over coming. Like the mentality of "you've been doin this shit for so long why aren't you improving as much as you think you should be at this point?" snakes into our heads more often than the younger artist. Because they just want to draw everyday cuz its fun, so they just draw draw draw without caring. Learnin the fundamentals of art is always good, I do recommend learning them if you want significant improvements in your skills, but learning them means youre going to make a lot of ugly art. And seeing those "ugly arts" slowly chips away at you sometimes, and a lot of artist drop art when facing that hurdle. But like its okay to make ugly ass lookin art- Its part of the process and you can not skip it!! You cant just not draw for a month cuz you got super sad for making something that isn't 100% like the image you had in your head, then pick up your pen again and think that somehow NOW you can do it even tho you havent draw anythin at all- Consumin art and improving the visual library in your head is of course important, but you cant just keep expanding your Pinterest boards assuming it will make you better.

What are we? AI?

HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Ahem- Anyway am I calling myself out on this post? Absolutely! Infact that was the whole reason I made this in the first place. But Im now also calling YOU out :D Yes you! The person that stumbled on this post and relates to it!! Pick up a pencil and draw damn it!!! It wont be "ugly" forever I promise.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really nice day. Like I had a lot of fun and I felt really fulfilled. It was the best day I had all week. And that just made me really happy.

It was a tough start though. I struggled to fall asleep and I struggled to get up. I would end up sleeping in an extra half hour because the idea of getting up was so horrible. I was so sleepy.

But I pulled it together. I felt cute. I love my overalls. I was tired but I was in a good mood once I got to camp.

The drive in wasn't bad. I had gotten extra hugs from James. I would slowly feel more normal.

When I got to camp I would jump right into the office to work on the document for my program tonight. I wrote up a little description of how to work with polymer clay. And did a little research into art making as revolutionary act. I found some good quotes from people smarter than me. And I felt like I made a pretty solid worksheet for the people who take my class this evening.

As I was finishing printing that I would eat my breakfast. My stomach is doing a lot better, bread isn't hurting me as much. But I still feel like weirdly aware of my stomach. I don't really know how else to explain. I just feel very aware?

But it wasn't bothering me for the majority of the day. The thing that bothered me was the pollen. At times I am not able to catch my breath and I start coughing hardcore. Not comfy!! But also not constant thankfully. It is still so crazy seeing the pollen come off the trees in clouds.

Everyone else started coming in. And I decided to let my upset feelings from last week go. I would make the office a nicer space. I would talk to everyone and felt so much more secure. It was a nice day. We were looking forward to a good group and a good day.

I would wander up to the hacienda before everyone else. Cleaned up a few things that were left from yesterday. And set up some chairs on the porch to watch for the bus. Accidently scared Elizabeth when she came out to the porch a little later. We talked about the pool and the upcoming weeks. And very soon the group was here!

This was a very nice group. Apparently they are very competitive and in the other programs that came up. But we were going on a hike. And I had the very best time.

I would go on 4, 45 minute hikes. So basically 3 hours of hiking. And I think I did a really great job making it mainly downhill. And a very slow pace. With lots of exploring. It was also just really nice feeling super knowledgeable. I was able to create a pretty solid script in the first hike, that I would just continue and build on in each subsequent hike. It was awesome.

We would start with ground rules. No running ahead of me. No screaming. No picking of flowers or plants. Leave the critters alone. Have fun.

Our first stop was down the main drive way to peeps mill. Where we talked about the former trout hatchery and the edible plants we might see. The skunk cabbage being one. And the wine berry bushes being the other. I talked about the history of both the wine berry bushes and the Boston ferns and how invasive species can be an issue.

We next would look at mushrooms. We found a new to me mushroom! A crowned capped corral mushroom! I was really excited about this. We would also look at turkey tail mushrooms and even a chicken of the woods. Really awesome.

We would arrive at the Glen and I would talk about the bee hotel and the bug snug. We learned about solitary bugs and overwintering.

We would spend some time at the pond down there. There was a frog just sitting with a whole bunch of eggs for most of the day so I was able to keep pointing at the same frog. We would watch him for a bit. And then over to the picnic table to look at the bones we had found a few weeks ago.

A few minutes searching under logs and rocks for bugs. Looking at slugs and snail eggs. More mushrooms. Continuing on to see the dying trees and the damage that termites can do. Once we made it home the hill we would stop at the tipi field before heading down to the Van Horne pass. Where we would look at mountain laurel and deer tracks.

And finally we would go to frog hollow where we saw tadpoles and caterpillars and one group even found a grey tree frog!

And finally I took them to the office to switch off with Nick so they could go to their next program.

And it was such a good little hike. There would be a lot to see, everyone seemed super interested and having a good time. While a few kids I could hear say that this was the most boring part of the day for them, I heard way more of them say this was there favorite part and they had so much fun. And I did too. I heard some parents and chaperones say they learned a lot and that felt awesome.

There were some not as ideal moments. A child who ran into my outstretched arm when I was pointing at something. Hurt us both. Someone got a cut on their leg. A little boy threw his plastic water bottle into the woods and I was so shocked and said he had to get it but it was deep in a thicket, and his teacher made him try for multiple minutes. But no luck retrieving it. Hopefully he learned from that and won't do it again.

During the last program block one of my chaperones looked like she was going to pass out. It has gotten very hot and she was not used to walking the way I had them going. I think the one hill was what got her and she just never recovered. So I would cut the last five minutes and sent them to the hacienda to sit in the air conditioner. I thanked them all for coming and went to chill in the office.

Not that it was cool in there. We don't have the AC set up yet. But at least I was sitting and I was drinking water and letting my body cool off. I was very sweaty and dirty. I would be thrilled to go home.

But that was not yet. Was not rushing anywhere. I would drive the gator up with Nick to the hacienda to clean up and I would collect the trash and the last couple Native American program items. Sarah would join us and we put the tables and chairs away and cleaned. I would go take things to the dumpster and put away the field trip things. It was nice to drive around but the breeze wasn't as good as yesterday.

I would go back to the office and chatted with Alexi for a while. Then with Elizabeth and Sarah. But there wasn't anything I needed to do for tomorrows feild trip. So I would get to leave a half hour early. And that was perfect.

I would go to Taco Bell. I thought it would be the quicked meal before my workshop while still leaving time for me to shower and change.

And it was some annoying traffic but it was fine. I arrived at Taco Bell at 415. And was home by 440. I would eat the nacho fries I got while I drove and waited until after I showered and changed to have my tacos.

When I got back here parking was tough but I parked, and went and quickly showered. I got changed into a nice jumpsuit and after fixing my makeup I would go sit at the kitchen island to eat.

James came home during that. Loved that we got a little time together. We would sit on the couch and just chilled until I had to leave.

They helped me bring my basket of materials to the car and wished me luck.

I was in a great mood. I was still nervous but also. Ah! Super excited. I would get a pretty good parking spot and went to set up.

The afternoon school program was finishing up. And I would move some tables and set up and was surprised no one was at the front desk. Strange.

People would start coming though. There was another Jessy, and she was very nice. She works for creative alliance and was able to call Lucy over at the other building to come be our check in person. They would let me know that I had 7 sign ups! Incredible. Jessy let me know one of them wouldn't be coming (their mom who has a migraine) but the other 6 would come and it was so good!!

I would also a lot about stuff I wrote about in grad school. The woman as anonymous making. The hierarchy of crafts and fine arts. Museum stuff. And then we talked about polymers. Plastics. Techniques. Tips. Tricks. And then it was time to explore!! Create! And it was so lovely to see them all work. 4 of them knew each other and all worked tangentially in medicine. From writing to Medicare to psychology. Jessy, like I said, worked at creative alliance in the marketing department so she was taking lots of pictures. And the last woman was her friend and it turned out she also worked in a tangential medicine, getting healthcare for the homeless. What a really neat group of women.

We would all create and try things and play. We talked a little how we might use these things. And it was so interesting to see how they all approached things. From form based coasters, to frog and cat portraits, to a bird sculpture! I loved seeing all the different approaches and it was great. I just got to make my own silly thing and give tips and tricks and suggestions. It was great.

At 730 we would get the oven going. Which was not the type of oven I have used before but I would eventually figure it out and we baked the pieces that were ready. I had provided little tins so they can baked them at home if they wanted. And I think that was the best plan. While they baked we would clean up and chat and it was fun.

And once the sculptures were done and cool I handed them out. We talked about trouble shooting. And then it was time to go. I thanked them all and hoped they would come to the next one. And then it was time to go.

I was just in such a happy mood. And when I got home I was able to park right in front of the house. Incredible.

James would help me and bring in my program materials. And once they were done with what they were doing in the kitchen they would sit in the studio with me while I vacuumed the frog tank and fed everyone. And they helped me sort my materials so I could get everything out away. It was a lovely evening.

I took a cool bath. And would hang out in the AC and started winding down for sleep. And now James is here, showered and ready for bed. And man am I ready to sleep.

I'm going to go brush my teeth and hopefully fall asleep asap. Tomorrow is another full day. And I really hope it is fun. We have a field trip and I'm leading low ropes. And then it's Charlotte's birthday! And we are going to dinner at the Fulwilers. And Callie will be there and I'm very excited to hang out with her.

I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well. Take care. Until next time!

[innerpalaces]

THE PRINCESS WEI YANG - 170 PART 2

CHAPTER 170: Eternal Torment

Li Ping sneered and pulled out the dagger with all his strength, only to see that the gleaming blade was covered in bright red and blood was dripping onto the ground.

Tuoba Zhen suddenly took three steps back, his body swayed, and the blood from his wound surged like a spring. He said angrily: "Li Ping, even you betrayed me!" After saying this, he bent over and coughed violently because he was too seriously injured.

Li Ping waved his hand, and a dozen men in black suddenly appeared, all holding sharp swords in their hands. Tuoba Zhen was so angry that he drew out the sword from his waist and fought with these people. After all, he was taught by a famous teacher, and he had been very diligent in martial arts since he was a child. Ordinary warriors could not do anything to him, but these people were carefully selected killers, and they were all ruthless. Li Ping also gave guidance from the side, and specifically pointed out Tuoba Zhen's weak spots. In just a few short moments, Tuoba Zhen was severely injured. Blood spurted out, and then quickly spread across his robe into a black mess. He heard a pop, and suddenly covered his right eye and shrieked. That shrill scream sounded like a howl of despair at this moment. The guards in black were merciless, coming over with a long sword and cutting off his legs.

Tuoba Zhen curled up on the ground, with an expression of extreme pain on his face.

At this moment, he heard a clear voice, very gentle and lovely: "Your Highness, you are so easy to find." It seemed like a sigh, but also like a smile, and sounded extremely familiar. Li Wei Yang!

It's Li Wei Yang! Tuoba Zhen lost his legs, and his face was slashed several times. His handsome appearance had been completely destroyed, his right eye was covered with blood, and the vision in his remaining left eye was blurred. But he still managed to hear the voice and said viciously: "Li Wei Yang, you bitch!"

Li Wei Yang smiled and slowly walked out from the side. As soon as she appeared, Li Ping and the men in black stopped their hands and knelt down obediently. Li Wei Yang's eyes seemed bottomless: "My, what happened? You're hurt so badly."

"Stop being hypocritical, you arranged everything. You are really vicious." Tuoba Zhen reached out to wipe the blood from his right eye and said bitterly.

Li Wei Yang smiled softly, the jewelry in her hair still jangling, and her voice was clear and beautiful: "Oh, really? When it comes to being vicious, how can I compare to you, Your Highness? You wanted to put me to death time and time again, and now, I've only learned a bit from you."

Tuoba Zhen fell to the ground, wounds on his face and blood gushing from his body, but he still maintained the dignity of the imperial family. He would never show weakness in front of Li Wei Yang, let alone beg for mercy! He held his chest and gasped as he spoke: "You have long planned out such vicious schemes against the people closest to me. You are really even more despicable than me!"

Li Wei Yang said softly: "Yes, I am indeed despicable. But to you and me, the word 'noble' is just a shadow in water and a rainbow in a blue sky. I am just an ordinary person. Since I am ruthless, I must be ruthless to the end, why bother showing mercy?"

Tuoba Zhen's bloody eyes looked in the direction of Li Ping, and he struggled to say: "Why?" Why, why did he betray him?

Li Ping didn't speak and lowered his head deeply.

Li Wei Yang smiled and said: "Didn't you notice? He has always resented you. If it weren't for your concubine mother, how could his family have been implicated and all died? It's ridiculous that you think just because you have given others a little kindness they should be grateful and devoted to you for the rest of their lives. He has been in your house for so many years and can only be an invisible steward, but I promised to recommend him to an official position that can better utilize his talents."

Li Ping did not deny it, but lowered his head further, and the expression on his face became uneasy. Maybe there was guilt in it, but so what, what the princess said was correct. His family died because of Tuoba Zhen's biological mother. Why can't he hate him? Although Tuoba Zhen saved him, he kept him as a slave, so why should he be grateful? If it were not for the princess, he might have to be Tuoba Zhen's slave for the rest of his life! He doesn't want to!

Sure enough, it's Li Wei Yang! The real fatal blow was waiting for him here.

The person Tuoba Zhen trusted the most was Li Ping, but the one who betrayed him in the end was the person he rescued from the dead. He thought that his mother's people would not betray him, but now he discovered that He Jing was the last person he could trust. However, he died in Li Ping's hands. It's ridiculous that Tuoba Zhen regarded Li Ping as a loyal subordinate. Ridiculous, really the most ridiculous thing in the world! Being betrayed by someone you don't trust doesn't matter at all, but being betrayed by someone you truly trust is the most painful thing in the world! Li Wei Yang knew Tuoba Zhen too well. The reason why she let him off on the cliff was not to let him escape, but to let him have a taste of what it meant to have nowhere to go, what it meant to be betrayed, what it meant to be driven mad by the pain!

Li Wei Yang said calmly: "I learned this kind of thing from you. You can ask Consort Lian to betray me, why can't I ask your loyal servant to betray you?"

Tuoba Zhen was so enraged that he was on the verge of going berserk, and his heart was beating gloomily and miserably. If possible, he would have rushed over and strangled Li Wei Yang! However, he himself fell down first, his mouth full of bitterness. With just a single word, he would feel like stars were popping up in front of his eyes, and his visions was going black.

A person only regrets his mistakes when he is at the end of his rope. At this moment, Tuoba Zhen finally tasted the feeling of being betrayed by someone he trusted, and also tasted the despair of death. For the first time, he felt pain in his heart. This despair was so much that he couldn't bear it. It was more painful than the knife wound on his body!

He raised his head, and everyone was looking at him. Their eyes seemed to be looking at a corpse. Yes, Li Wei Yang would not let him go. He was going to die here today. His vision gradually blurred, and he was now lost in memories. He seemed to see the smiling woman in the dream walking towards him step by step... However, in a moment, it turned into a cold face again.

He was originally a noble third prince. In his heart, he thought the Crown Prince was a fool, and Tuoba Yu was lucky. This was because one of them had a noble bloodline, and the other had the favoritism of the Emperor. He was unwilling to give in. He was constantly ignored and overlooked, but he is also a prince, and he is not willing to live second to others for the rest of his life. So he was ambitiously preparing to ascend to the throne.

However, in front of others, he can never reveal his goal, never reveal his talent. He must firmly control his ambition, and then maintain the most perfect smile, follow the Crown Prince loyally, be humble, strong, and hypocritical. For the sake of the throne, he gradually became hard-hearted. No matter who it was, as long as they blocked his way, they could only die. Even if he is alone, he is not afraid because he does not need anyone. Nowadays, the throne was getting closer and closer, four steps, three steps, two steps, just one step away, and he was about to get it.

Suddenly, all this left him, and he became a fugitive who could only hide abroad. He became destitute and even his last loyal subordinate betrayed him. He thought he was cruel enough, but found that the most cruel thing in the world was not betrayal, but being let down by the only person he could trust. This was more painful than any other betrayal. Even if he is as cunning as a fox, he cannot escape this nightmare. In his heart, besides resentment, there was an even more indescribable sadness. How much better is Li Wei Yang than him? She used everything she could to serve herself, and what about him? He only had one Li Ping who was ungrateful to him. Having reached this point, he had long since clearly seen the human nature and the world, but because of a moment of carelessness, he had forgotten about it.

Now, his legs are broken, his face is a bloody mess, his right eye is blind, everyone around him has abandoned him, and he has nothing. The dignified Third Prince has actually fallen into the state he is in today. It's ridiculous, so ridiculous. He wanted to laugh, but Li Wei Yang waved his hand gently, and a black-clothed assassin walked up. The silver blade flashed and lightly scratched his throat. At that moment, his eyes widened in horror and he thought he would die. However, the long sword only drew a tiny trace of blood. He opened his mouth and wanted to say something, but he could no longer speak. Next, the man severed the meridians of his limbs, and even slashed his face several times. The severe pain made Tuoba Zhen want to show an angry expression, but he found that he could no longer control his facial muscles...

"Your villa, your guards, have all disappeared. I know that there must be a secret escape route in that courtyard, so I gave it to His Majesty. I believe that he will make good use of this place, so, there's no need for you to use it from now on." Li Wei Yang said lightly, the smile on her face becoming more and more gentle. Whenever she smiled like this, she would cause great pain to others.

Tuoba Zhen reluctantly raised his head, but could not see her face clearly.

Only Heaven know how much he hated this woman. He wanted nothing more than to devour her and fuse her into his blood. But now, he suddenly realized that because of her, he had been defeated.

Although, he almost succeeded.

"Tuoba Zhen, actually you shouldn't have ended up like this. How could you trust others when you are so smart? You should obviously be recuperating alone and waiting until the storm is over before you take back what belongs to you. But you were too impatient, you were too arrogant, you couldn't accept being in such a situation, so you chose to believe Li Ping. This may be the only mistake in your life, but sometimes, once is enough."

There is a desire in everyone's heart. Tuoba Zhen's true desire is to fight for the throne. This desire drives him forward. However, it is this same desire that finally destroys him. He is fundamentally a contradictory person. While he constantly exploits and betrays others, he does not allow anyone to betray him. The most important thing Li Wei Yang learned from him is: whoever is ruthless enough can survive.

Tuoba Zhen stared at Li Weiyang. He knew that she could understand what he wanted to say, and she knew that he wanted her to kill him. Rather than live in such humiliation, he would rather end his own life! Because he was Tuoba Zhen. He could die, but he could not lose his dignity!

Li Wei Yang understood his expression, but she just smiled slightly. Her white shoes were not stained by dust. She stepped on the dead leaves on the ground and finally arrived in front of him and looked down condescendingly: "You want me to kill you?"

Tuoba Zhen stared at her, as if he wanted to remember her face in his heart. His eyes were full of hatred, but also with a complicated pleading.

However, Li Wei Yang gently shook her head: "I won't kill you."

Tuoba Zhen frowned, and the resentment in his eyes became more twisted, almost turning into burning flames. And the already blind eye became even more terrifying at this moment.

Li Wei Yang looked at him like this, but just said: "I won't kill you. Not only that, I will also find someone to take good care of you... If you are hungry, someone will feed you, if you are thirsty, someone will give you water. If you are cold, someone will put on your clothes. If you are sick, a doctor will treat you. I will let you live like this, ten years, twenty years, thirty years, forty years, the longer you live the better."

Tuoba Zhen really wanted to curse, but he couldn't make a sound. In fact, he couldn't even put on an angry expression because the meridians in his face were broken and he couldn't open his mouth. Li Wei Yang smiled softly and said: "Don't worry about being unable to open your mouth. Someone will naturally open it for you when the time comes and feed you water and food. Tell me, am I not very good to you?"

For a person like Tuoba Zhen, the best torture is not to kill him, but to let him suffer this kind of pain day and night until he dies. He will only continue to regret, go crazy, and torture himself. Unfortunately, he can't walk, write, cry, shout, or laugh. He needs someone to open his mouth to even eat. She will let him keep his left eyes so that he can look at his misery in the mirror every day and recall his life. Moreover, she would arrange for him to stay in a secret house and let him sit in front of a window where he could see the palace every day, looking at the beautiful glazed tiles, the mighty imperial army, and the luxurious palace gates, day after day, year after year, until his heart is a hole and his bones are ashes.

Li Ping lowered his head. All the assassins in black did not dare to look at Li Wei Yang. They had seen many torture methods and countless vicious torments, but they had never seen anything like this. Rather than kill you, I will keep you tortured for eternity, and this torture comes from your own heart. This is the most cruel punishment in the world.

Li Wei Yang's smile suddenly became relaxed: "Okay, it's time for him to hit the road."

The man in black said nothing and lifted Tuoba Zhen. The last thing Li Wei Yang saw was his desperate eyes. That kind of despair was worse than death. She knew that this was just the beginning, and this desperate pain would accompany him until he died.

Turning around, Li Wei Yang suddenly felt that her mood became extremely relaxed. Now, she had gotten rid of someone she had always wanted to get rid of, and all that was left was to wait for that person's return.

The night gradually deepened.

In the Seventh Prince's Mansion, a red candle became shorter and shorter. Princess Pinting kept staring at the candle, her eyes wavering.

At the third watch, a maid respectfully conveyed a message: "His Royal Highness said that he would not be able to come tonight. Please rest first."

Again - Princess Pinting bit her lower lip and asked softly: "Is he still in the study?"

The maid was stunned for a moment, and then replied again: "Seventh Princess, please rest first." She answered in a evasive manner.

Princess Pinting couldn't bear it any longer, so she stood up and walked out quickly, her beautiful skirt brushing over the threshold, carrying a gust of fragrant wind, and she went straight to the study. Ignoring the obstruction of the guards outside the door, not even caring about her own manners, she rushed in.

The handsome man inside suddenly raised his head and looked at her in shock. He forgot to put away the scroll in his hands, and Princess Pinting caught a glimpse of the person in the painting.

The delicate appearance cannot be said to be extremely beautiful, but the eyes are deeply expressive, which shows how much thought and love the painter put into it.

Princess Pinting finally couldn't bear it anymore, covered her face and cried bitterly. On top of the beautiful bun, the dazzling gems inlaid on the golden hairpin seemed to be eclipsed.

"Your Highness... Princess Anping has never loved you!" When she saw the portrait in Tuoba Yu's hand, she finally couldn't help crying, her voice filled with despair.

Since the day after their wedding, Tuoba Yu never entered her room. He always slept alone in the study. Although she had opposed this marriage, deep down, she hoped that Tuoba Yu would keep her, because she had already fallen in love with him from the first moment she saw him. It was because of this thought that King Chaoyang tried every means to facilitate this marriage, but he never expected that Tuoba Yu would treat the pearl in his palm in such a cold way. Princess Pinting had been waiting for Tuoba Yu to change his mind and find that she is equally beautiful, equally smart, and equally worthy of his love. Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tries, he refuses to even look at her.

From the beginning to the end, the only one he admired was Princess Anping, only Li Wei Yang.

Under his cold appearance, all his hidden passion had been given to that woman. She did not resent Li Wei Yang, but she really couldn't understand why Tuoba Yu was so persistent. Amidst the desperate cries of Princess Pinting, Tuoba Yu turned around and walked out with a calm expression.

Princess Pinting chased him to the door and shouted loudly: "Tuoba Yu, I beg you, please let this go!"

Tuoba Yu didn't look back, he just sneered. Let go? Didn't he want to - it's a pity that he desired that person too much, and this desire had surpassed all others. Now, he is just one step away. Even if he uses despicable means, he will get her!

－－－－－－Digression－－－－－

Editor: I thought you would torture Tuoba Zhen to death

Xiao Qin: I was originally going to kill him with a single blow, but then I thought that this was the best.

Editor: The heroine will live a happy life next

Xiao Qin: (⊙o⊙)...

Xiao Qin didn't finish this chapter until 12:30, and it was too late to reply to the message...,_

[weasleywinchester]

I Can't Help Myself - Ch. 5

Leaving Just You Picture Behind

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4| Ch.6

What is this thing called free time??? I managed to write another chapter for this series! I can't believe it's almost done!! And before the show comes out this month!! We get a little time jumpy in this chapter, mainly because I am following the timeline of the games. We also go from super cute parent/ellie vibes to sad vibes. mainly because I don't want to write the sad ending, but the little thing in my brain says I should... so I'm going to write sad ending and happy ending because this is my fic and yall are going to have to choose what ending you want to read, of course you can always read both. Thank you to everyone who's given this series a read, I love seeing you make your way through each chapter! And still taggin @sarahbellesaurus because you liked part 4 so here's part 5!

Series Summary:

This world isn’t kind to anyone; and heaven forbid anyone wants a slice of happiness. You wanted the stereotypical, as most people would tell you, dream of falling in love, getting married and having kids. After coming to Jackson, you kept that dream to yourself. Until your stupid best friend’s stupidly handsome older brother waltzes in, and you tell him. Joel thinks it's nice that you can hold onto a dream like that... and he let's his guard down just long enough to think maybe...he might want that too.

Chapter Summary: Thankful, Grateful, Blessed. In the world before it almost felt like those words haunted you; from stores to friends houses to birthday gifts. And then once the infection hit, it felt like the mocked you as you scavenged through houses, trying to survive. But maybe now, the could be some of the few words to describe your life. Warnings: All the feels, TLOU Pt. 2 spoilers, fighting (vocal and physical), illusions to death

A Year Later

“Momma!” Ellie shouts as she lets herself into the house.

“Upstairs!” You shout back. You can hear her take the steps two at a time, slowing as she reaches the doorway to your office.

“What’s shakin’ sugarpie?” You look up from the quilt you’re making, giving her a little smile.

“Where’s Billy?” She nods to the empty playpen next to your desk.

“He’s with Joel and Tommy.” You chuckle, kicking a pile of fabric off a stool so she can sit down.

“Bit young for a boys day out.” She softly chuckles.

“Never too early to get them out of my hair. But what did you want to ask me?” Your sewing machine softly whirs as you continue your project.

“I was talkin with Cat… about getting a tattoo.” She shrugs. Lots of people in town had them, and Cat was a pretty amazing tattoo artist. She learned from her uncle, who was an artist before the infection.

“Over the acid burn?” You nod. It was something you both had talked about. Ellie found it absolutely hilarious that you had a tiny knife tattoo on your middle finger, and ever since she saw it she wanted a tattoo.

“Ya… I was hoping you’d help me design one.” Your machine stops and Ellie looks up to see your look of surprise.

“Really?” You ask, the corners of your mouth gently tugging into a smile.

“Ya. You’re an amazing artist, with some of the best designs. And I want it to be a reminder.” She swallows hard, eyes focusing on the floor.

“Reminder of…” you prod.

“Of my family.” She shrugs again.

“I love that.” You smile, quickly packing up everything on your desk so you have space to work. You tell Ellie to throw a record on, while you pull out all your art books. You both flip through pictures, tabbing things that catch your eye.

“You still have your wedding dress?” Ellie asks as she flips through an old catalog. 

“Ya, in the closet. Why?”

“It had a fern design didn’t it?” She looks over to you, a smile slowly appearing. You quickly dig it out, putting it on the table. Both of you draw a few variations and compare.

“Think this one.” She points to one of hers. The fern is fully inked in, many tiny leaves on each stem.

“Ok, one piece down.” You sloppily recreate it on your own sketchbook, doodling around it.

“So you have a piece of me… maybe a piece of the mom you never got to meet?” You ask gently. Ellie nods slowly, trying to rack her brain for something.

“What about something like this?” You turn your book to her. You’ve drawn a different type of fern, but this one is just a simple outline. “Mine’s filled in, because we’ve gotten to live a life together, we’ve filled in a lot of gaps. Hers is an outline, a life lived before and for you, but not with you.”

Ellie gently reaches for your book, fingers gently tracing the outline. She hardly thought about her birth mom lately, only turning to her journal in empty nights alone.

“Do you ever think about her?” Ellie asks.

“I do.” Ellie’s eyes flick to your face. “I only know what you’ve shared. But somewhere deep in my bones I can feel her; mainly guiding me through your temper. I hope wherever she is, she’s content with how Joel and I have tried to take care of you.”

Ellie soaks in your words. She thought about what her mom might say to Joel, how she would thank him for keeping her safe. Or maybe how she’d lay into him for stopping the fireflies. But she hadn’t thought what would happen if she met you. A stranger that was the only one who ever felt like home.

“She’d be thankful, for everything. Much like I am.” Ellie pats your hand.

“Thanks Sugarpie.” You lay your hand on top, taking a deep breath in. “Feel like you need one more piece.”

“I already know what it is.” She sighs.

_______

“How’s your ink?” Joel chuckles. The dirt crutches beneath his feet as he guides you along the patrol route.

“Healin’ nicely.” You pull him down to you, kissing him on the cheek. He gently takes your arm, turning it to reveal your tattoos.

“Can’t believe my own son stole my nickname.” He playfully grumbles as his fingers gently caress the little bumble bee that sits on top of a lavender flower.

“Who else could ever be worthy?” You giggle.

“I guess that’s true.” He gives you a kiss, letting his lips linger for just a second more. It’s the moments like these that he remembers best. The way you smile at him, how you dance in the sunlight, the way the breeze carries you laugh.

“Have you seen Ellie’s?” You quietly ask, threading your fingers through his.

“Much bigger than both of yours.” He nods. It wasn’t much of a shock that she got one, she always liked the one on your finger. He was a little surprised it wasn’t anything Savage Starlight related though.

“We designed it together.” You tell him, “You like the moth?”

“Reminds me of the one on my guitar.” He flashes a smile, pulling your hand up to his lips and kissing the tips of your fingers.

“‘Cause it is.” You whisper. His eyes narrow at you, not sure what you’re playing at. “All I’m sayin’ is don’t stop trying. She’s comin around. There’s too much between you to let that all go forever.” You press your lips to his, smiling when he pulls you close.

"And you didn't want a matchin' one?" He chuckles.

"And miss the opportunity to permanently adorn my skin with a Joel Miller original weapon design?" You laugh, flashing the little pipe with scissors taped to the top.

"Only you Darlin'." He shakes his head, grabbing you and smothering you in a kiss.

_______ 

A Year Later

“(Y/N), your terror is pullin’ on the lights again!” Tommy shouts from the top of his ladder.

“Mmm, can’t help it if Billy loves his uncle!” You shout from behind the bar. You look around at the team putting together the dance hall. It looks so magical with all the lights strung everywhere, the warm glow of the fire.

“Come here munchkin.” Ellie sighs, picking him up as he giggles in excitement. He wraps his little arms around her, trying to grab her hair that’s been scraped into a ponytail. She moves it out of the way, giving him a silent no.

"Pie!" He giggles as her fingers tickle his sides.

"Got you booger." She chuckles as he giggles louder.

“We gunna see you at the dance tonight?” You ask, leaning around her to smile at Billy. He gives you a toothy grin, tucking his head into his sister's neck.

“Uh… maybe” Ellie shrugs. Things have been a little less tense with Joel, she’s managed to keep herself in line for the sake of you and Billy;  but she still tries to keep her distance. “Who’s babysittin?”

“Molly next door. She said she wants practice.” You chuckle as Billy reaches for you. You take him from her, bouncing him as you hand Tommy the rest of the lights.

“I heard Dina is newly single.” You say low enough for only her to hear. She hums in acknowledgment, which makes you smile. They were always friends but Ellie started lookin at her a bit differently after Dina started hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend, and yet always ended up stumbling to Ellie’s every time she broke up with them.

“Remember what I told you the night Joel proposed?”

“That you love us?” She smartly remarks. You shake your head and lean over to her.

“That you have to dance with the people you love at least once.” You wink.

_______

“I don’t need your help Joel!” Ellie yells. You quickly make your way around the bar, closing the space between you and him but he quickly turns and brushes past you.

“Joel!” You call after him, your body following but your eyes glued on Ellie. You give her an apologetic look, running after your husband. As you stumble outside you see Joel making his way toward home, but Maria is standin' across the street with-

“Seth!” You yell, calmly walking over to him.

“You gunna claim her as yours you need to get her-” He spits as you slam your shin right into his crotch before he can finish.

“(Y/N)!” Maria warns. You ignore her, throwing a jab to his eye and the heel of your hand up his nose. The force is enough to knock him flat on his ass, the snow around dotted with red.

“Stay away from my daughter you jackass!” You scream, kicking him for good measure and running off to find your husband.

“Joel!” You shout after him, jogging as fast as you can to catch him.

“She’s made it clear she doesn’t want anything to do with me.” He yells over his shoulder.

“That’s not true…”

“Then what the hell was that in there?” He whips around so fast you startle, tripping over your own feet and landing flat on your ass.

“Ow.” You wince.

“Sorry Darlin.” Joel sighs, helping you to your feet. He helps brush the snow off you, grunting as you wrap yourself around him. You put your chin on his chest and wait until he looks down at you.

“She’s trying to figure out where she fits in Honeybunch. And it constantly feels like it’s not here.” Joel pulls your hood up, tightening the cords as he mulls over your words. “She came to the dance…”

“Not for us.”

“No teenager goes to a community function for family. Does that matter anyways? Not everyone can be as… lucky as us. She’s gotta find her way, in her own time.” You pucker your lips at him, which makes him roll his eyes as he gives you a kiss.

“How do you do that?” He mumbles against your mouth.

“What?” You smile against his.

“Get my head out of my ass.” He presses another kiss to your lips, his tongue gently sliding along the seam of yours, both of you humming happily as your tongues tangle.

 “I was coming to see if y’all were ok, and clearly you are.” Tommy chuckles. You begrudgingly unseal your mouth from Joel, shooting Tommy a glare.

“Momma!” Billy lurches in Tommy’s arms for you.

“Come here honey bee.” You take Billy, laughing as he burrows his face in your neck.

“I’ll meet you back at the house.” You tell Joel, tilting your head for his kiss goodbye.

“Want me to take Billy?” He gives you a quick peck, gently rustling Billy's hair.

“Nah, we’re gunna go see Sugarpie.” You tell Billy, who gives a small yea in response. Joel gives you a curt nod, walking back inside with Tommy. You watch for a minute and then quickly make the trek home.

You knock on Ellie’s door, happy when she lets you in.

“I have an early patrol.” She states.

“And I have half a mind to smack you.” You cheerfully tell her as you set Billy on her bed.

“I don’t need his help.” She huffs, sitting at her desk.

“I know, and it doesn’t matter.” You sit on the crate across from her. “Ellie, he’s your dad for all intents and purposes. He’s always going to want to help you, protect you, be there for you. None of that stops simply because you want it to.” You watch as she picks at a loose thread on her pants.

“Sugar, we don’t know when our last days are. Don’t let the last words you say to people you love be ones you regret.” You gently put your hand on her arm. Her green eyes turn to you, knowing that, like usual, you’re right.

_______

The Next Morning

“Hey, I gotta stop at the house.” Ellie tells Dina as they make their way to the stables.

“Ya, sure.” Dina shrugs following after her. Ellie slowly makes her way up the porch, letting herself in.

“Pie!” Billy yells in delight from the living room.

“Hey B.” She gives him a kiss as you come around the corner.

“His shift already started.”

“You responsible for the black eye?” Ellie questions. Maria made Seth apologize to her this morning, not that it did anything to make her feel better. It did warm Ellie's heart to see Seth's big black eye. Maria wouldn’t say who did it, which meant it wasn't Tommy or Joel. And of course Seth would have told everyone if it was Joel, and he would never admit if you were the one to beat him up.

“That all he walked away with?” You frown, trying your best to keep your smile at bay. Ellie rolls her eyes, wrapping you in a hug.

“Think your route crosses path with his, maybe say hello…” You give her one last squeeze before letting her go.

“You mean sorry.”

“Smarter then you look sugarpie.” You pat her shoulder and spin her toward the door. “Make sure to stay warm, keep your eyes peeled.”

“Do you think he would... want to watch a movie tonight?” Ellie quietly asks, opening the door and giving you one last hug.

“I think he’d love that.” You smile, waving to Dina, who flashes a smile. Ellie quickly walks down the stairs, turning to give you one last wave.

“Watch her Dina!” You yell. You assume Ellie rolled her eyes by the way Dina laughs.

_______

“(Y/N)!”

You turn to see Jeremy running toward you, a look of worry on his face.

“Jer, what’s wrong?” You catch him as he slows to a stop.

“Jesse radioed in, Joel and Tommy never checked in. And there were strangers spotted not too far out of town.”

“Ellie?”

“Jesse went to find her and Dina. They’re going to cover the route, figured you’d want to be on the scout team too.”

You can feel the panic rise in your chest; you take Jeremy by the hand and run into the barn.

“Woah there-” Maria chuckles.

“Can you watch Billy?” You ask, trying your best to saddle your horse.

“(Y/N)... what’s wrong?”

“Can you watch Billy?” You ask louder.

“Ya sure.” She nods, backing up as you mount your horse and take off on the trail. You ride hard to the ridge that surrounds the mountain lodge; it was a place that Joel and Tommy frequented when they wanted to play their instruments in peace. You’re not sure why they would end up there in this bad weather, but something was telling you to start there. As you reach the ridge you leave your horse in a nearby stable.

Jeremy managed to keep up, quietly following you as you scuttle toward the edge. You belly crawl the rest of the way, using the scope of your gun to see down below.

“Anything?” Jeremy whispers.

“Two of our horses, lots of people outside. Burned infected at the gate” You whisper back.

“Clear up here.” He confirms. You can feel him sit by your feet, his back to you so he can keep watch.

You try to calm your breathing, watching as the people outside patrol the lodge. Your scope moves to the large windows at the front, and you can see him. You watch as a girl not much older than Ellie shoots Joel in the leg. You jerk, feeling Jeremy keep you in place.

“What’s happening?” He harshly whispers.

“Joel’s been shot.” You push past your teeth. You watch, seeing the flash of something silver come in contact with Joel’s face. That’s when you see her. Her little brown pony tail poking out of her hood. Ellie, get out of there.

“Be ready.” you whisper, taking a deep breath in and cocking your gun. You hear Jeremy do the same. The girl winds up once more and you pull the trigger. The shot rings out, scaring the horses below and sending the guards scrambling. You manage to shoot several of them, the pure white snow now a river of red.

You turn back to the lodge window, seeing two people dragging the girl, one dragging Ellie and two more dragging Joel. You let two more shots fly; one hits one of the people dragging Joel and the other gets the person dragging Ellie right in the neck.

“Jeremy?” you whisper, panic rising in your throat.

“Clear.” He whispers back.

You let a few more shots fly until the group drops Joel and Ellie, fleeing into their vehicles. You scramble back from the hillside and dig out your radio.

“Heather, do you copy?”

“Copy.”

“Lodge trail. Light it up NOW.” You yell. Jeremy peels you away, leading you back to the horses. You can hear gunshots in the distance, hoping that it did some damage. You quickly ride down to the lodge, staying close to Jeremy as you both make it inside. He does a quick sweep, coming for you when it’s clear.

You hear her before you see them, her sobs bouncing off the walls and deep into your skull.

“Ellie.” You engulf her in your arms, blood smearing across your jacket as you try to calm her.

“Back-up is on the way.” Jeremy whispers, keeping his eyes on the windows.

“Move her into the next room, away from the windows.” You command, pushing Ellie into Jeremy’s arms. Her scream is like a baby being ripped away from their parents, you can feel it vibrate your bones. Calm, stay calm. You take a deep breath and turn to Joel. He’s bloody, his shallowing breathing matching the pace of your heart.

“(Y/N)?”

You turn to see Tommy slumped against the wall.

“We got people on the way.” you nod.

_______

“Ellie?”

You startle at the unexpected voice, moving to your hiding spot along the wall.

“Shit.” You hear two sets of feet scramble, immediately going to Joel.

“Dina? Jesse?” You stand up, your brain not quite believing your eyes.

“(Y/N), what the fuck happened?” Jesse asks, arms reaching for you.

“Ellie’s in the next room, grab her and get back to Jackson. She’s a little roughed up but she’ll make it.” You rub his arms, like a mom warming up her kid from the cold.

“Joel…” Dina asks.

“Can’t do anything until the cavalry is here." You glance at him, "Please, take Ellie and ride as fast as you can.” You swallow both of them in a hug. You take a deep shaky breath, gasping to keep the sob inside.

“I’ll stay.” Jesse whispers. “Dina can take Ellie.” 

“No! No.” You take both of them and lead them to the next room. “You have to watch each other, we don’t know if anyone is hanging around.” You gently shake Ellie, helping her stand and handing her off to Dina.

“We’ll make sure to put the whole town on alert.” Dina nods, helping Ellie out of the lodge. Jesse gives you one last hug, handing you his snacks and jogging after his friends.

_______

The mumbling. You’ve always hated when people talked in hushed tones, as if you didn’t know what they were talking about, or who. It didn’t help that the storm outside had settled, leaving the trees to groan in the silence, the snow to snapping the weakest limbs.

“(Y/N).” Jeremy’s voice is gentle, his hand resting on your shoulder. Your voice is lost in your throat; so you simply turn your head toward him.

“We have to move him.”

Your eyes turn back to Joel, his lungs wheezing with every breath. Silent tears blur your vision, a fat drop falling on Joel’s sleeve as you nod. 

Jeremy helps you to stand, making a note that you’ll need a set of new clothes before you go back to town. You’d scare the shit out of everyone with how much blood you have down the front of you. A few people come in with a stretcher, staring at the state Joel is in.

“Be careful.” Jeremy tells them, snapping everyone out of their daze. The four of you move Joel, trying your best to be quick and gentle.

“Blankets.” You mumble, gathering the few that were found in the cupboards and wrapping Joel. The two gently lift the stretcher and take him outside where the covered wagon is waiting.

“Ready?” Jeremy asks.

“Be right up.” You swallow hard. You listen as his footsteps fade down the hall, the door quietly closing. You look up to see the golf clubs still sitting in their bag. You walk over, taking out the one with the biggest head. You twirl it around, feel the weight of it in your hands, and start swinging.

[pinkprincessia-art]

It disappeared before I could reply, but I would love to see more art for Story of Evil. I found you and loved your artwork and style, so when I learned you did Vocaloid aus, I knew instantly I would love anything you produced. So in general I wouldn’t mind seeing any Vocaloid story for FE, but Evillious Chronicles has a hold on my brain so anything pertaining to that would be lovely!

My bad I have a bad habit of deleting txt posts after a bit every now and then

OOo thank you! Hearing that means so much to me!

I used to do alot of Vocaloid type of AU art, when I was younger and it was always so much fun.... and then I stopped for some reason and after a lot of unfortunate life events happened a couple of years I was like "Oh why don't I go back to doing this? I had so much fun, but do it with FE" and its been a bad case of the brain worms ever since.

The Evilious Chronicles have always been my favorite song series... at first I told myself I was just going to go based on the songs and not all of the outside lore (it was tempting! but with this being a side passion project I really didn't and still dont have the time to go and hope I could find good translations read all of the light novels and do a deep dive) But its fine because my idea was "what if pocessed by evil dragon" rather than being the vessel of a sin.

I ended up choosing mostly Nohr siblings (because bias) minus Elise because she is too pure... and I think it ended up being pretty solid. Daughter/Servant of Evil - Corrin Twins (obviously... it really started because I craved a love triangle between Corrin Laslow and Azura.... and it fuels me.

I actually have plans to add illustrations for the Daughter of White. It took me a while to figure out who to put in Haku's role.... and I finally decided on Felicia. It felt the most right.)

Evil Food Eater - Camilla It seemed fun.... and cannibal camilla doesn't feel wrong I ended up giving the Kaito role to Kaze (for morbid shippy purposes)

Gift From the Princess who Brought Sleep - Azura I had a hard time picking for this one, I sat on it because at this point I had already decided I wanted to stick to mostly the Fates cast if I could (minus one). And Elise.... really-really didnt fit any of them the more I played around with it in my sketchbook the more I liked it for Azura! (Also yes I through Laslow in there too because he is my fav and I love him and I stuffed in everywhere I could)

Still working on how I want her dress to look but I like sketching when I have the ideas to come back to later. Corruption of Judgement - Leo

There was just no thought, I knew it had to be Leo. Also yes it means I will be drawing Forrest as "Master of the Court"

Duke of Venomania's Madness - Xander I.. was not sure about this one! But at this point I was pretty much sticking to Royals and those with ties to Nohr. Once again I plan to draw Laslow in Kaito's role because I am predictable and simplistic like that.

Tailor of Enbizaka - F!Robin/Grima The only NONE Fates related one. I could have stuck with it and picked a Hoshidan Princess... but idk I like the idea of Robin slowly descending into madness and murdering chroms family one by one and then him.

Muzzle of Nemesis - ???? I dont remember if I've mentioned this one because I think I might have but I'm gonna try to keep it on the downlow to keep with the whole "Master of the Hellish Yard" Vibes.

Adkadoiaj sorry for the word vomit is that, this is the craziest most involved fan-project I've ever done. And its insane how much thought I ended up putting into it, when at first it just was gonna be all "Ahahha I wanna draw Art-"covers" to my favorite vocaloid songs" Now each one is gonna have a handful of pieces to them.

[kiatheinsomniac]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 𝐕𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐍𝐄'𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇-𝐔𝐏!*˚ .♡⋆ˊˎ -

𓆩♡𓆪 𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄! @insane-horror-movie-addict

Hi there darling! I'd like to participate in the Valentines day event if that's okay! Thank you very much for your time and if you'd like to send a match-up over to my account, i'll gladly do one for you! (If you have any questions then feel free to dm me!) Fandoms: Resident Evil 8 and Tolkien (preferably no dwarves....sorry lol) Important info: Bisexual (male matches for this please!), She/her Personality info: Entp, Leo sun, Aries Moon, Leo Rising, Gryffindor. -I can be either two ways when you first meet me. Sarcastic and laid back or a little rocky. Some people at first can see me as a bit of a...well...asshole, but I assure you i'm not that bad. I just come off a little strong sometimes. When you get to know me though, I am someone who is blunt, still very sarcastic, protective, and a little fiery but i'm also such a big goof. Like an idiot goof. So I'm not all that bad lol! I also have a non caring personality for the most part...sometimes its a bit of a mask though. Speaking of which, I'm kinda like an onion (gosh I hate using that metaphor.) I have layers and the more you get to know me, the more you'll peel away. I hate being vulnerable and stray away from emotions, so I can be a bit cynical and I am soooo stubborn holy crap, but I am working on that... Hobbies: Lets see here....I did year around, competitive swimming for ten years, so swimming is a passion of mine and forever will be. I now do Martial Arts and i'm a high belt now. I enjoy just physical activity in general, but I also like music. Music is a love of mine. Plus I like simple things such as a good book, writing (I want to be a journalist), horror movies, and going for walks at night....oh and I adore the beach! Dislikes: Spiders, I am terrified, petrified even of spiders. Physical features: I'm 5'3...5'4 on a good day, pale skin with brown freckles everywhere, I have very thick brown hair that goes a little past my shoulders and it has a sort of auburn color to it actually?, i'm very skinny, like a twig, very little to no curves, big brown eyes. Aesthetics: Grungecore? its hard to explain.....honestly I am my own aesthetic at this point

ੈ♡˳ 𝐄𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐕𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐄!

♡ Initially, Éomer's attention is drawn in by your grunge style - you look fierce and he finds it really attractive! He's got thick skin so he's not fazed by your sarcasm and bluntless - in fact he quite likes it and when you're joking around together, he matches your energy completely!

♡ He's super interested in your martial arts! He'll ask you to teach him not only because he's intrigued but because it gives him an opportunity to spend time with you and learn more about your interests!

♡ He's always up for reading your writing and if he ever comes across a book he thinks you'll like (especially a horror as he knows how you like the genre) he'll buy it for you! It's worth every penny to see the way your face lights up when he gives it to you - it's the most precious sight in the world to him.

ੈ♡˳ 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐈𝐓 𝐀 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄?

♡ Éomer knows how active you are so for your date he takes the two of you out horse riding in the evening, going on into the night. He takes you up a high trail and the two of you stop on a cliff side to watch the sun set behind the mountains, the lights of Rohan twinkling below you in the distance.

♡ He would insist on huddling up close to you to assure you keep warm and the two of you would end up walking further up the trail (he knows how much you love your night walks, even if he worries for your safety sometimes when you do) and then laying down on the grass to stargaze.

♡ He takes you back by sharing the same horse with you sitting in front of him so that his arms are on either side of you and he can feel your back pressed to his chest. He goes back as slowly as possible so that you have more time together and his heart just melts when you fall asleep leaning back against him, exhausted from the long day. He hopes to spend more evenings with you like this.

missed the match-up event? try ships instead!

☾ ⋆ ﾟlike my work? why not:  ∘ buy me a coffee?  ∘ commission me? ∘ join my taglist  ∘ consider following/reblogging

[parallelroutes-ooc]

[ MUNDAY: wow i never talk about myself, this feels so weird. (fair warning that i do tend to downplay myself.) ]

@ubiquitarian

❤️ — what are some of your best qualities?

i have been told by… a lot of people… that i'm a good listener.

friendliness. i highly enjoy being around people, even though i know i'm not going to be close with the vast majority of them. i'm just a social person by nature.

wisdom. i don't sound like it because i never have the chance to be? i also deliberately type like i normally do to make people feel comfy around me, so that doesn't help either lol. still, i enjoy being The Grandpa when i end up in communities with much younger people for this reason.

creativity. to the point where i literally can't enjoy media without taking inspiration and going right to my own projects and ocs/stories. it's a hassle struggling to absorb canon when i constantly have to muffle what i want to do to make sure i can pay attention RIP.

-

🧶 — any non-writing hobbies/interests?

lol there's a lot.

when it comes to free time… i primarily love mmorpgs, but i just don't stick to them with how much there is to do - never feels like i'm going to get anywhere and it's just overwhelming. i did do ffxiv, guild wars 2, blade and soul, aura kingdom/twin saga and had been pretty far in with all of them, but they just ultimately didn't scratch the itches i needed.

however atm, PSO2 NGS (phantasy star online 2, new genesis) is kind of my dream mmo? it's a new game, f2p is 100% viable, combat is really fun and feels really natural on ps4, i have a cute and outrageously beefy/OP level 19 character and solo everything, nothing is super hard to understand, perfect game for casuals like me who just play 1-2 hours in the morning and slowly chip away at the story/game. it's just basically everything i want in an mmorpg so i'm always just happy playing it.

shout-out to pokemon sword, rune factory 4, digimon story cybersleuth. old fav games are okami, pokemon emerald/oras and ultra moon, star ocean 3, .hack//GU, dark cloud 1+2. there's some i forgot by now but still.

then there's also making ocs and art. i am so so bad at fanart (hence why i stopped) but i did really well with drawing ocs back when i was still comfortable drawing. (designing weird monsters was a huge fav and i'd probably still be able to do it but don't have the desire/opportunity anymore so! and anthros/furries were super fun to draw! help! i drew too much!)

i'm also neglecting learning music production and japanese but they have been on my peripheral for 10+ years so someday i will actually do them. (neither will be very difficult for experience reasons but what is self-starting lol.)

i've never been too big on reading anime and manga so i tended to float toward jp games instead. but… i still have a hard time getting into something new so. lol.

fashion too. love making outfits. i used to be big into lolita fashion, visual kei, pastel goth. i still have so much punk stuff too lmao. pinterest is a hellhole to try and stop browsing if you like fashion/clothes in general.

-

😗 — what are some of your favorite things to do when you have some time to yourself?

generally, all the hobbies require effort that i don't necessarily have the energy or attention span to give, so it usually just ends up with talking to people, scrolling tumblr or twitter or reddit etc, listening to j-music.

this one doesn't have much to say, lol.

@queenharumiura

[ for 😗, see above! ]

🗒 — what is/are your favorite genre(s)/theme(s) to write?

fluff, hurt/comfort, weird plots that go really wild and meta, very short-term depressing/tragic thoughts, ships. i do like writing nsfw too, but definitely not here.

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🤔 — what genre(s)/theme(s) do you struggle to write the most?

honestly? everything longterm. i tend to forget where plots are going, which is why i'm not great with RP plots or keeping track of hc characterization. i just don't have enough attention span to take notes or reread every rp ever BUT-- when i have an active/dedicated partner, i can keep rolling with something for a long AF time. (thank you in specific, neochan!)

serious answer is long sad/angsty plots. i just don't do that well with them unless i get in the mood, but i don't really want to be sad, so it's just not usually my thing if it's not just a thread or two.

there is also that long posts are pretty taxing too, but there's not much i can do about that because lol i just innately write with the intention of going back and rewriting. rip!

[tenasselin]

In 2012, there was a popular challenge running around DeviantArt where artist would pick an old artwork of theirs and redraw it. I jumped on the bandwagon without thinking much about it. But somewhere around the process, I decided I wanted to redraw this piece 5 years later, then perhaps 5 years after, and so on. Just like that, a tradition was born.

My art has improved over time for sure. Since 2012, I took an art course in college, attended several figure drawing sessions, upgraded tools, experimented with some techniques and used more reference pictures than before (I used to be like "I got this! It's in my head". Here's a tip if you want to improve your art: don't be like that).

But then, I stopped.

At some point, my inspirations faded away. I have always been, and still am, very imaginative, but I reached my limits drawing-wise. It's also around the time I started questioning my art and art in general, the type of questions that hinder your creativity more than it helps. So I stopped creating, instead I did drawing studies once in a while. Later, I moved out of town and went to university for a not-art-related course, and I quickly became too busy to draw.

Today, I work full-time in an office job, not making a lot of money but making much more than I ever did as an artist. I slowly picked up on painting and have maybe a few projects in mind. But I am coming back under one condition: I want painting to remain fun. Therefore, I won't pressure myself to become the better artist, I won't be chasing views or comments, and I won't do complicated perspectives or 3D stuff or anything I hate doing. I still do drawing studies because I enjoy learning and observing, and I still attend figure drawing sessions because it makes me socialize with people. But I also watch more movies and animes, I go out more, I picked up on other hobbies like sewing.

Enjoy my art and my overly personal reflections. More thorough analysis coming soon.

[noodlemethis]

Realizations in 1 day - so many!

22 Sep 2023, watched a play- G*d is a woman. But the thoughts were not only related to this / didn't come out solely from this. I also had an enlightening conversation with Ms Serena via text.

It's not the answer that is useful or important, it's the whole process.

^regarding career, "finding" my career, "finding" myself. The pressure comes here too, where I'm supposed to figure it out and find something. But that answer is not the goal- no matter how much my body naturally is guiding me to believe that it is. The process is the goal.

Other revelations:

- Moving to Australia isn't an escape. It feels therefore different in my body compared to other "coping mechanisms". It's not an escape but a stepping into. I have to slowly learn how this different experience feels in my body and learn ways to tahan it

- this is a marked shift in how I was viewing Australia all along. An important one

- it's no longer the case that my usual way of surviving/ coping through the project called LIVING, can apply to the Aus process. My usual way has been to give myself short short goals and if I finish the goal I can completely rest relax and escape entirely until the next goal. But that's no longer viable here because it's just not an escape. It's a stepping into of an energy, it needs different way of approaching. The more I force myself to escape and chiong the more weird and fake I feel in my body/ in my day to day -- it feels confusing it's massive confusion.

- I think to some extent I created this narrative that I have to figure things out as a way to convince myself and the voice of appa in my head that it's a valid thing to do. Somehow quantified. I might need to stop drinking my own cool aid on this.

- artist isn't a job title but an identity. I bring my art with me to whatever job I do.

- there is so much queer community in Singapore. The play was miraculously not censored. That alone uplifted me. Seeing and hearing artists say what it is that I need to hear is so comforting , and reminds me why art saves. I love theatre.

- even censored art is worth making. It lives on beyond the work , into the future, and people see the whole picture or more of the picture than you expected to show them. Don't give up on the art. Let it flow and let them see what they will see.

- I am, in fact, hot as fuck. Sub points: a) queer spaces and wlw conversations do bring up thoughts of my last partner, which is normal and just what it's like to be me right now. Mindful noticing of the thoughts, not judging. B) she left me because she didn't want to be in relationship with someone. She also didn't want to admit that to herself or to me. She eventually waited until the situation "decided for her", in the sense that things got harder and so the instant gratification or escapism or joy of it got slightly harder to experience so that her body couldn't hold onto the pretense anymore and she was forced to slip away and honor the truth, that she didn't wanna be in a relationship. My body is still hot as fuck.

[keefwho]

September 21 - 2023 Thursday

7:52am

I know I want to follow through with some kind of ACT therapy based plan. Coming up with the plan is the hard part. It's gotta be something I can refer back to when I'm slipping up or losing my way. So far I haven't been able to figure out something that works but it's also because I usually don't have the bravery to face the truth that I am slipping up. Instead I tell myself I'm fine, I don't need to brush up on anything. I act like I've been cured just because things are going well. But obviously it's a slow downhill from there until I have a breakdown and realize I've been neglecting important practice.

In fact this sounds extremely similar to something I experienced with my art where I'd neglect to practice or try anything new until my art became static and dull. I'd slowly forget things I learned until I couldn't pull off making anything interesting to me. I'd catch myself and realize all I needed to do was get some fresh intake of visual information. In other words I'd enter a state of artistic reverb with myself, unable to breath. Maybe the exact same thing is happening with my mental health. I'm relatively okay when I'm exploring new perspectives and actively trying to understand my behavior. The problem comes when I act like I've learned it all and slowly degrade to a breaking point.

The art solution was solved with the awareness of the problem and by scheduling a mere 30 minute warmup time every morning where I specifically get out of my comfort zone. If I'm not struggling, I'm not doing it right. My mental state could benefit from a similar solution. I already have the groundwork made by trying to identify and jot down my objective thoughts and feelings every morning. This could be expanded upon to be time I take to do more focused exercises on different ACT topics. Or just some more reading. As much as I want to do it in the morning, I might save it for the afternoon since I have more time I usually don't know what to do with then. Mornings already seem kinda limited.

1:24pm

I've done some reading today so I have my intake of information. For a few days now I've been exercising a philosophy I like, I haven't had to remind myself to keep doing it. I just do it. It's to work myself until I'm tired. Because inherently I enjoy burning energy. It means I'm doing something, moving things around in this world. It means I'm expressing myself no matter what, even if it's just doing the dishes. I enjoy doing things that serve to benefit the greater good. I DONT value being able to enjoy relaxing and playing all day, only in smaller doses (at least right now). I want to create things and push things. I like momentum.

The things I read about in my act book support this grand sort of method of operation. I mean, ACT is the name of the practice for a reason. It's all about acting in accordance with my values. The hard part is overcoming the things that stop me from doing that, all my internal struggles that are holding me back.

Right now I feel like I'm in a sort of 'up' and I know it would be wise to utilize that. I used to resist the wave of up and down and limit myself for the sake of consistency. I've learned trying to keep anything constant is a bad thing, everything needs an up and down kind of cycle to exist. In the past when I'd naturally feel good and have the motivation to do a bunch of things, I'd stop myself because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up when the down came back. But in doing so I missed out on a lot of productivity/joy. These days I'm better about recognizing that it's best to use the energy I'm given when I have it.

As usual a huge problem I've caught again is losing touch with who I am. I forget that I am a conscious being in an ever evolving world. I think because of my relative isolation as a child along with unhindered consumption of digital media, I have an inclination to view the world as a sort of video game and people like NPCs. Inherently I get the feeling that there is nothing beyond what I can see and that a lot of people are no more than very simple, meaningless characters. I do not like this about myself, it's not a good worldview and I feel really good when I break out of it every now and then. I want to see the humanity in people better. It doesn't help though that many people are afraid to express themselves and adopt an oversimplified personality to hide behind. And more or less being locked in this room doesn't help me grasp the grandeur of this world. I think that would change if I learned how to drive, I think I'd better understand the true freedom we all have to translate ourselves across the surface of our world.

11:01pm

This morning was leftover pizza and a granola bar for breakfast. Stream was good, sketching was fruitful and I made good progress on the last commission this month. Also finished another YCH and started sketching potential new ones.

I sorted a few boxes while cleaning today and threw some stuff out. Two places I'd consider untamed lands in my cabin are the top of the closet and the compartment next to the toilet. Both of these places could use a little cleaning out. To me they are like the 2 cabinets above most fridges.

Lunch was stir fry noodles. I was surprisingly starving while cooking it and after eating I felt kinda bloated. Something is up with my tummy today and I think it could be the apple oatmeal I made yesterday since apples naturally contain the kind of sugar I think upsets my stomach. I hung out in David's server for the first time in awhile and got cozy while I did my work. Eventually the call turned annoying because 3 guys were basically all making independent noise so I left. I almost finished my Princess Bubblegum picture so it should be done tomorrow.

After a bit of rest, I played Just Dance with Daisy. Usually I try too hard to match the hand movement perfectly but today I let go and vaguely copied the moves in my own way, whatever felt natural.

I kinda goofed around while she worked on her fursuit in call. I was a little self conscious today because in general I don't like how I look, especially my face and hair. I felt sort of ugly today but I knew that was an exaggeration and that it doesn't even matter if I am. I know I shouldn't have to perform for her either. We watched some Adventure Time and youtube videos. I tried playing Starfield but wasn't feeling it. Also tried to finish that Bubblegum pic but wasn't feeling that either. I took a short video to try and scan my vacuum cleaner which seemed to work fine so I might try a room scan tomorrow.

This evening I just felt like existing and I hope I didn't come off as boring or something. I really just wanted to chill in the same space until something naturally came up instead of always searching for something to do or a way to become stimulated. Maybe sometimes I want to do nothing and try to enjoy some simply emotional security.

I've been selfish lately. In a selfish phase if you will. It's much to complicated to fully explain this dynamic I stumble into sometimes but in a way I haven't been myself. I've been operating based on my feelings and have been focused on taking things for myself as a sort of survival mechanism. When I snap out of it I remember how real affection means giving without expecting something back. I remember to enjoy what I have and to be less afraid of losing it. I start to see the importance of my own interests and it's easier to pursue them.