#also i really hope this isn't true bc it doesn't make much sense at all and also i like what sharon is currently up to

[faulty-writes]

Oh oh I’ve got one! Vash Stampede flirting/dating a shy reader headcannons ♥️ please and thank you (sorry had to resend bc I was afraid my asks wasn’t sent)

It's cool dear anon. I'm so excited, my very first Trigun Stampede request! Please let me know how I did, I adore Stampede Vash but I absolutely love the Vash from the 1998 TV series. Not to say the Vash from Stampede isn't loveable, he's downright adorable. But I don't know, right now I'm a sucker for 98' Vash. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this request and please don't hesitate to request more if you happen to like it <3

"Come on needle noggin!" Wolfwood snapped after punching Vash in the head. "Just go over there and say hello! It's not like your dumbass hasn't talked to worse. You've stared at them enough to make a point!" While Vash didn't necessarily agree with Wolfwood, it was true that he had fixated on you recently.

"H-hi there!" were the first words he had spoken to you after casually walking up to the counter of the saloon you worked in. You remember how bright and friendly his smile was but how you stepped back out of instinct. "Oh, shy, right? S-sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you! Heh, heh," he awkwardly waddled back to his seat knowing the last thing he needed to cause was trouble for you.

His second attempt started with "Hi there, heh…just thought I'd try to talk to you again." He chuckled as he laid his hands on the counter. "I heard your name is Y/n," he smiled sheepishly, "what a pretty name." Maybe all you needed was a compliment to make you smile, he'd sure love to see that.

"I don't know, I mean they seem pretty shy. I wouldn't want to push them out of their comfort zone, you know? That's kind of not nice," he said, politely turning down Wolfwood's idea to ask you out. "Pff, suit yourself," he mumbled in reply, "but wait too long and someone else is going to snatch them up and you won't like that."

"Hey…it's me again," he said on a quiet night when the saloon was empty of customers. "Sorry if I've been bothering you lately, I know you're kind of shy but…" he chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "I'd be interested in…well t-talking to you, heh. I'm willing to listen to anything you'd like to talk about!" Everyone deserved that, right? And since you were busy dealing with customers all day, he was sure you had a lot to say.

You didn't realize his flirting attempts were flirting attempts at all because well, they didn't exactly make sense. "You know…I really admire the way you fill the glasses up," he chuckled. "You're always so careful to make sure the foam doesn't spill over the top," he smiled at you, hoping you'd say something in return, but you just thought his words were as strange as he was.

After a while, you grew accustomed to his warm smile and gentle voice so much that you looked forward to his visits. You also started to get to know his friends, who seemed a bit on edge but friendly. Vash noticed this slight increase in confidence and couldn't be happier for you.

His idea of asking you out was to suggest something quiet to do together to make you feel safe and comfortable. Of course, you never imagined it would end with the two of you staring at the five moons that hovered in the sky.

It surprised you that Vash always leaned close when you spoke and maintained eye contact. Of course, you weren't used to having someone's full attention. But it was still comforting to know that he was always interested in what you were doing or saying.

"Oh, heh sorry! I d-didn't mean to, really um..." The first time the two of you had fallen asleep together, you woke up to Vash's arms securely wrapped around you as if he were afraid that you'd get up and leave in the middle of the night. Of course, after hearing a few things about his past it was understandable why he felt so scared to lose you.

"Sorry…I guess I couldn't help myself, heh…" His face was completely flustered after he kissed you, as was yours. "I…understand if you don't feel the same way, not many people would want to be with…Vash the Stampede. Heh, the Humanoid Typhoon." He nervously chuckled before asking, "S-so…how do you feel?"

"What?!" Meryl snapped, grabbing your shoulders. "I'm happy for you but are you sure this is what you really want?" she asked. "Why don't you let them make their own mistakes, little miss?" Wolfwood said, stepping between you two. "If they want to date needle noggin, then that's on them…" Although he knew that if Vash messed up, he'd receive a beating.

"Ta-da!" Vash exclaimed as he uncovered your eyes to reveal the ruined city of July leaving you in shock. Why would he insist the two of you come here? "I know it's a little weird, but I thought I'd bring you here for our date because..." he reached over to hold your hand. "I think it's about time this place had good memories again."

He always stuck to his belief in protecting something more than anything else in this world: you. This meant he'd step in front of you whenever suspicious characters were around, or people looked at you the wrong way. Blocking their view of you and being ready for action if the situation escalated was something he was all too willing to do.

[allgoldenelite]

okay so here's my summary of ibushi's latest 2 videos (here and here) from his youtube channel

pls make sure to read this at your own discretion. it's honest, but not exactly cheerful.

this summary is not entirely chronological; i've grouped some points together for cohesion

the vids were taken about 2 weeks after marufuji vs ibushi was announced, so around 12/17 ish (i'm just bringing this up bc i saw some confusion bc ibushi was reported by noah to be in the us rn until at least the 27th)

ibushi starts out the 1st vid by saying how completely different american and japanese wrestling are; the example he uses are cheers, [in aew] whenver anyone makes their entrance the crowd is chanting their name

in japan it has a different quality to it; [i assume he's talking about coming out at the noah show to challenge marufuji here] it's strange to him when he can only hear his theme and there's neither boos nor cheers, but he was glad it got a reaction

as for how he's doing physically: says he'll be frank: his left ankle and the back of his right hand (there's a visible dent on one side of the back of his hand and he says he doesn't have much grip strength there but for powerbombs and germans he grabs his wrist with his left hand so he can still do those) are fractured and his shoulder isn't healed cause he never got surgery for it

the ankle is the worst out of the 3, he can't jump or do highflying and walking 400 m (0.25 miles) is his limit, even walking around everyday is pretty rough

he's been able to benchpress 88 lbs now, with 200 as a one time thing, but he can't do much actual wrestling match practice, worries about what he can do; sums it up as that physically things aren't really on the up and up at all

but he believes marufuji is going through the same thing [being hurt in a lot of different places] and that the match won't be bad because of that; he believes it will be good precisely bc of the shape they are in, the injuries they've sustained

as he's said in the past, he doesn't care about what place he is on the card even tho ppl care a lot about match order, but he has the opportunity of being in the main with marufuji, so [he'll make the most out of it]

the ring remains a place for him to express himself, unable to highfly or injured as he may be, that's part of it too

he could go out there and be like "no i'm recovering i'm practicing hard everything's going swell" but that wouldn't change the fact that it's not true

he's doing what he can do get better, but operating within the limits of his body and how he can workout

even so, he won't give up and expresses confidence, [he seems motivated for the match and to go through with all of this], he's been doing this for 20 years and nothing scares him anymore

he says his instinct/6th sense for wrestling isn't as sharp [anymore] either since he doesn't really wrestle outside of aew these days, and again japanese and american wrestling are completely different and he's matching himself to wherever he wrestles, so he will do the same for the noah match

as long as it's getting a reaction out of ppl, he's happy; as long as he's getting something out of it he's happy, there's no right or wrong here for him

he's not nervous for the match at all, just hopes he can put himself out there in his purest form, so that ppl can decide for themselves what it is he represents for them/how they experience them

the video ends with him saying that he doesn't wanna be gloom, but if something unfortunate happens [i interpret this to mean another injury] this will be his last [match]

[he also then says make sure to watch his matches (since you won't know which one will be the last), and while i don't think he's lying with the sentiment here at all, my suggestion would be to take this as it is for now but not despair too hard about it]

the 2nd vid is mostly a recap of him seconding a kickboxer he trains for his match at korakuen hall on 12/17, interspliced with more footage from ibushi talking in the secret base

just as the fictitious "ibushi pro wrestling research institute" represents his status as a freelancer and a means by which he express himself in his purest form to ppl, it's also a means by which he can take on ppl under his wing

[ibushi has talked on twitter before how he has several trainees who are former/current kickboxers or MMA fighters wishing to become pro wrestlers] he thinks more of them will make their debut in the future; he's not doing this to boast that he's the one training them, it just naturally happened this way

even tho the ipwri is not actually a promotion, [ppl he's training and ibushi himself] get announced/lower third-ed as being from there, so it has established itself in the world

[there's a backstage scene here of ibushi talking to machida (machida lost the match) and altho there isn't much to tl (it's just ibushi basically giving him a pep talk), i still think it's worth checking out, it's very sweet]

lastly he says the institute is taking applications and as long as your feelings/motivations come across, he's happy to read them, even tho there are already too many ppl showing interest rn

[tadpolesonalgae]

ICBMTHY is sooo good. it gave me a lot of thoughts!

i know it wouldn't make sense for eris to be nice but that was so mean and for absolutely no reason? i hope she kicks his ass more but i also think this friendship would be what she needs to grow a backbone because right now it's painful to watch but the ic clearly isn't helping and azriel is making it worse

also azriel is being so mean too and i know it's for the angst but my dude really interrupted her booty call for no reason and then trapped her into a conversation to call her a burden like i know you've picked up better conversation skills in 500 years. like he's kinda right in saying she is naive (second hand embarrassing inducing so) and doesn't know how things work... then sit her down and explain it to her instead of attacking her, i would have jumped out of his arms and wouldn't even care about what happened to me bc i know he'd blame himself

ALSO her powers seem interesting, she glows?? like starfall?? that sounds fun and it kinda sounds that eris might be the one to help her with those powers at least for now (that line saying the ic would pounce on her powers and do all kinds of things to get them to work is so true though that's one of the things that annoys me the most about them)

anyway this story is seriously so good, i think you might be my favorite writer on tumblr. you genuinely know how to keep a story engaging and still have it make sense instead of just filling it with unnecessary smut to make up for it, even your heavily spicy ones always give something at least in the background. also i like how you play with characters, i think a lot of people write character too ooc but you manage to take the essence of the characters and change them how you need them without losing their true self. like how you write dark az and in this story he's kind of acting like an asshole but you still see bits and pieces of azriel in all of them

Honestly I agree Eris was a little OOC in that swan part—I’m deciding he was stressed from Father Vanserra breathing down his neck and he needed the comedic relief :)

But hey! She ended up actually doing something about it, maybe he will help her grow a little backbone—or rather feel it’s okay to hit back sometimes!

And yeah, poor Bas 😕 He was READY (I can’t promise any more of him though, I’m sorry 😭)

Things kind of escalated way too quickly when they were flying together; I’m putting that down as the whole IC being incredibly wary of Eris because of the Mor incident, and also the Autumn Court isn’t exactly known for being particularly fair or welcoming, so it’s kind of believable Eris would inherit those traits from his father :/

Also I feel like a surprisingly big part of angst (for me at least) is the edge of humiliation? How reader allows herself to be degraded and doesn’t really fight back or protest against it because she doesn’t see it as being wrong, more that it’s expected/deserved? I think most people respond stronger if it’s their dignity that’s being targeted, which helps with the angst because of how low one has to go to deliver a blow like that :)

I’m so excited to write more about her powers and how they manifest!!! Also about who’s going to try to help her, but who’s going to actually succeed in helping her and then how she manages with the new development!!

I suppose with Silver Flames (I know some people have mixed feelings about how the characters were written) they’d just been through a second war (civil war??) where they came so close to loosing so much, and despite how most of the IC has already been through one, I can’t imagine you can become desensitised to something as bloody as open, gratuitous murder to such a massive scale.

Anyway, that was a long-winded way of saying I can see how so many mistakes were made in the aftermath of the devastation of war. It’s not an excuse or a justification but I really don’t think it would be realistic for the characters to come out unscarred from a second war.

That last paragraph is just— thank you

I’m so happy people find those fics to be suitably engaging, and enough to continuously choose to interact with them.

The fact alone that you’ve taken your time to articulate how you feel is so important to recognise for me.

Playing with what certain characters might do while keeping it relatively believable is something I try to do, and it means so much to me that you think I’ve succeeded 🧡

[ad-hawkeye]

(not the past anon/s but i made this whole analysis on artem's summer splash card + compared it to wings of exhilaration and i wanted to share hehe this got really long and i hope it makes sense 😭)

SPOILERS AHEAD‼️‼️‼️ they're pretty minor bc i won't be spoiling the overall plots of the cards but,, still spoilers 😭

when i think of fanservice in terms of artem cards, the cards that come to mind are his summer splash card and "wings of exhilaration" but i will always pick the latter over the former any day under any circumstance‼️ they both center on the theme of possessiveness but while wings acknowledges it as smth that is natural in a relationship, summer splash makes it feel like it's a requirement

artem is def a lot more comfortable relationship-wise in wings but there's clearly still some uncertainty 🥹 after not seeing each other for a week he gets super clingy and pretty much does everything he can so he can have rosa all to himself for a while. he lets her choose between having dinner in the hotel room or at the hotel restaurant but rosa sees right through him, noticing that he's hoping she'll pick the former, so she does but it was of her own accord.

at the end, he's surprised she noticed this and reveals that it was bc he knew that a lot of racers would also be dining at the restaurant and he didn't want anyone to share his or her attention but he still wanted to give her the freedom of choice, hence him still giving her the option to dine out. he also adds that he's not sure whether he's had this possessiveness from the start and it only manifested now and he didn't want rosa to "accomodate" his wants BUT rosa immediately assures him that possessiveness is normal in relationships and that even she feels toward him too!!

wings is supposed be released before summer splash so i'm pretty sure what the writers wanted to do with summer splash is show artem in his most confident and comfortable stage in the relationship as a continuation of wings but they forgot to stay true to his actual personality 😭 at the end when the two of them were lighting the sparklers, rosa was reminiscing about what her high school classmates would do with the sparklers and artem straight up tells her that he doesn't want her to remember them when she sees sparklers and think of ONLY him instead?? and imo it just doesn't seem like smth artem would say 😭

i imagine he'd be sentimental and say "while i missed out on experiencing playing with sparklers as a kid, this experience with you alone makes up for all of it" 🥲 and even if they rlly wanted to keep his original quote, there are so many other ways to reword it so artem isn't basically saying he wants to override her memories until they're all of him (i refuse to acknowledge summer splash as canon and made up my own plot for it LMFAO)

all i can say is that artem in wings of exhilaration was written with the character in mind but artem in summer splash was written for the plot‼️

YOU ARE COOKING ANON. STRAIGHT UP COOKING UP A FEAST. A FULL FIVE COURSE MEAL. AND DEAR GOD AM I EATING ALL OF IT UP!!!!

this is literally the most clear and concise explanation of these cards ever. and how each one handles a similar topic, but differently?? wow, okay yeah i can. definitely see where this card went very very wrong.

the funny thing is i have never liked possessiveness or jealousy plots in otomes/dating sims because more often than not it's treated exactly how you said it was in the summer splash card. it's. the. WOORRRST and it's even more awful here because of how ooc it is.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! yeah! the wings card does seem in character and handles the topic like. so normally. !!?? when this stuff is handled well it's so much better and anyways this is required reading for this blog thank you for my life anon this was utterly fantastic, well written, and concise!!!!!!!!!!

[toxicanonymity]

Do you ever struggle with feelings of discouragement or inadequacy if your fics don’t do as well as you had hoped?

I’m struggling with that myself. I try not to get so hung up on it but it’s very hard, especially when something I’m so proud of doesn’t do as well as my other works.

I don’t even feel motivated to write bc I don’t wanna set myself up for disappointment

Discouragement, sure, I think that's natural sometimes. But I really don't feel like stats have anything to do with adequacy. Baring my soul, yuck. But fuck it we ball. Sorry it's a long answer.

I don't think I've ever answered a serious ask aside from the time i created Dr. rock which hardly counts but I've seen a lot of people struggling with this lately and hope this might be idk comforting to a person or two without leading to debate/discourse.

You mentioned something you're proud of isn't doing as well as your other works, and I can see how that would be disappointing. For laughs, I'll compare 2 of mine. These fics are impossible to compare (as are most, I think) but I def understand the urge to measure yourself against what you see as the potential. Aches: <1k popular trope I banged out in no time, wasn't sure about it, literally thought "people don't have to like it" before I hit post. >4 notes per word. Left in Lincoln: >22k posted so far, challenging, writing it for months. Has possibly driven me crazy bc I had this passing thought the other day and not about TLOU. (I didn't feel like re-reading it all): "I should just rewatch the movie. . .wait." 🤡 The whole Lincoln series combined has fewer notes than Aches lmao. But it's far more rewarding in getting to see it come to life, quality of engagement, and stretching myself 😏. It's not for everyone, for various reasons. Surely would have better stats without the twist I went with. But at what cost??

-------

Often, if people don't read or like something, it's a reflection of their own interests, limitations, and assumptions. And the right "fit."

I don't rly read much in general, but specifically, I rarely read long stuff (if I do I prob scan a lot tbh). I normally only want, if any, just enough plot/premise to build sexual tension. I don't read fluff or angst. I don't have the attention span / commitment to get invested in original characters. I tend to avoid stuff similar to what I'm working on. I make assumptions - If there's no word count, maybe it's too long. I know a lot of the fics I skip for these reasons must be fantastic. Assumptions I experience - I've seen very popular fics in the wild that strike me as dark, creepy, or pervy but aren't tagged that way. So some things that are tagged dark, etc., including plenty of mine, might not be dark in the way people assume based on their own ideas, or based on what others do tag. Also some people think I only write dark when sometimes it's just horny (see master list).

I've sometimes found myself thinking "It sucks more people don't read this bc i bet they would enjoy it" (not just my own fics). It might sound egotistical but I think it's often true.

------

Of course I want engagement because that means more people reading something which can mean more interaction, discussion, learning what you liked, what you think, etc. that's what I love.

But notes aren't rly near the top of what I care about, even though it does feel great to get them and I truly appreciate every single one.

Night walks doesn't get nearly as many notes as some of my other stuff, especially these days, but it's fun to write and I like to feed his feral fans who only get more into him with time. Same with raider: among those who do read and engage, I sense rising enthusiasm, thirst, and rate of falling in love with him (my bad). That's all worth more than 1000 likes to me. I have a good time writing these guys, so I write them more than other ones that get way more notes 🤷. I'm not saying notes don't matter at all, I know they affect exposure and engagement. But if just did what gets notes, I don't think I'd have such high quality engagement bc I'd just bang out more stuff with the most popular tropes instead of our fave Joels and those destined to become our faves bc they offer something special.

My outlook was the same before I had so many followers btw. Rock Bottom (22k) was what I felt like writing, still more ambitious than anything I've done in the Halloween fandom. I was disappointed it got way less attention than my one shots, but I know it's a banger, just certainly not for everyone lol.

-

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and feeling, but I think it's very common and hope you can reframe it to not feel inadequate. I especially hope it doesn't discourage you from writing. ❤️

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

you are officially the strongest person alive for not just closing the askbox after some of the trash you've gotten from idiots on this site. gdspeed and good luck holy hell

I've received a lot of asks like this one so I wanna respond and clarify

I actually love getting asks and even anon asks. I prefer having anon on bc yk big boy blog and all that but also so that people can send me their silliest things.

I really do truly genuinely enjoy having this blog and especially interacting w it. I've made a lot of friends recently and it's just fun to be able to talk ab the cringe failgame from a decade ago. Both for myself and in front of such a large audience.

Ever since I became aware I'm literally in the top 10 on skyrim blogs (at #9 but still) some of my anons started making a lot more sense. The power of anonymity makes people braver, which is good for things like funny headcanons and such.

I don't really like having to turn anon off and god I hope I don't have to shut asks off entirely. Fortunately once I turned anon off my inbox became a lot more peaceful. Funny that.

If I were to compare the two I'm sure I've gotten much more love than hate, but hate is much louder than love. And I know me giving it attention doesn't help much of anything but on the other hand people can and do throw around serious words about an unserious video game on unserious posts from an unserious person.

Even if I ignored all of it, just having to see it can feel so draining. And it isn't just in my inbox. It's also in the tags. I've repeatedly tried to express how deeply uncomfortable I am, AS A JEWISH PERSON OF COLOR, with people throwing words like racist and genocide around all willy nilly over video game characters.

It trivializes those real world issues, that have affected me, my ancestors, and people like me, down to fucking. Skyrim discourse. It's extremely frustrating. And from what I can see I don't think anyone is doing it maliciously or to get a rise out of me. But I think the sheer weight of those words has gotten lost.

And not to pull another race card, but this is especially upsetting from white people. I'm not thrilled about the fact white people keep talking over me and other people of color in the fandom about what is and isn't racist.

But I do also see the love. I see the cats in my inbox and the lovely asks and people writing paragraphs to defend me (when tbh I haven't done anything wrong anyways but. Eh.) and it's genuinely very touching and sweet and even if I don't reply to it (there's a lot to reply to!) I do see it and I appreciate it.

And for the poll, I fully plan on seeing it through. Round 2 closes tomorrow after which I'll set up round 3/the semi finals and then we go to the championship!

I started this poll, also this blog, for fun. I want people to have fun. I want to have fun. And most of the time I do have fun! But with the uptick in activity that brings *gestures vaguely* what it does.

Tumblr is one of those very few websites with true anonymity. This and reddit are the only ones I can think of where it's not expected to have your name, face, or other info about you anywhere. Which is a rare blessing on today's internet but it makes people very audacious about what they can and can't say to me.

I think because of that anonymity it's easy to forget I'm a human person. I very much doubt some of things I've had said to me in the last 48 hours would still be said if it was face to face. I truly don't think someone would look me in the eye and tell me to kill myself over skyrim bullshit.

And the funny part of that is if they did, I'd probably laugh in real life. For the sheer ridiculousness of the statement. "Hey. You. End your life because of video game drama" spoken to me at the local Target would be funny to me. But with the anonymity it feels just as hurtful as I'm sure it's supposed to be.

Thanks for letting me ramble and such. I'm not really even sure what I'm trying to say with all this. Other than I'm human, you're human, we're all humans, and we'd do well to remember that. Please just be nice to each other..

And be nice to me.

[ssirenah]

hii ssera!! good morning (or afternoon, or evening) i'm so sorry if this is long, you're my FAVE blogger bc your posts are always so helpful to me 💓😭

i really really need your help understanding something :( so unfortunately i can't send links in an anon post, but i was reading one of realisophies posts which said "imagining is self being conscious of an ego imagining" (may not be the exact words cuz i can't remember 😅) i can't remember the rest of the post, but basically it was saying that daydreaming and imagining/visualizing is an ego thing. but that REALLY confuses me because... how am i supposed to be concsious/aware of things if i don't imagine it...? some blogs say that being aware can be imagining something but that doesn't have to be the only way, but then the post says its just self being aware of ego imagining.

at the end of the post it also said that self's imagination is different from ego's which i also don't get. how am i supposed to be aware/conscious of being formless nothingness, or a new ego, or whatever it is i want to bring to life if i'm not imagining it or daydreaming it? honestly, i reallllly just need some clarification 😅 i know i'm misunderstanding something so i just need help properly understanding her words

"Person A or person B, world C or world D – are all false and equal to the Self. But to bring one to life, Self is conscious of it. So ego imagining/daydreaming is just Self conscious of being a person daydreaming." -from her post

How do I know self is conscious of something if I'm not imagining? How do I properly be conscious of something and experience with the senses instead of it being an ego daydream?

"Daydreaming is experiencing", it's not (or it is, on a very low, unrealer than the unreal level). Life is life. And it is real (to Vanessa's eyes) and palpable, it's not an image I experienced in the brain but something I experience with the body and senses in the now and visible to others as well." -from her post

Hi ma lumière, thank you so much! I am so joyed that I could help!

So to answer your entire question, the solution for this is remembering that there is no separation. These things you want to imagine or choose from are just YOU. You can only perceive yourself because that's all that exists. When you "imagine your desired scenario," it's just you being aware of yourself - you are ALWAYS aware of yourself. There is no duality to "imagine another object."

There is NO "3D" experience. There never was and never will be. The 3D cannot give you anything because it doesn't exist. It's you who is imagining yourself in certain ways. If the subject of imagination makes you feel miserable, that's how you know it isn't for you.

I remember @lotusmi's series and one major part I remember is that you have the freedom to imagine whatever you want - you are not forced to do ANYTHING you don't want to, people just think they HAVE to imagine unwanted things because of the "3D," but since the 3d doesn't exist, this is no longer true.

Hope this helps! Thanks for your ask <3

[httpiastri]

idk about brainstorming but the way i loved you just give me the vibes of being in a completely fine and chill situation (like with ollie??) and not being able to fuckin chill and enjoy it remembering of how wild and crazy it was with paul

like, things being fine but the voices inside your head won't leave you alone because you know you miss the wild part and also feels a little guilty bc howww can things be fine ollie be such a sweetheart, and you not be able to enjoy it???

and also paul kinda noticing that you're a little bored because he knows both you and ollie 😬

ANYWAYS i really love you writing and I really hope you write this idea bc i just LOVE it!!! ollie and paul have such different vibesss you were really a mastermind in this one

AAAAAA !!!!! thank you so much for this!!! i can rlly see this so clearly 🤭 like being with ollie is so good, it's perfect in so many ways. he's a true and complete gentleman all of the time; buys your mother flowers when he visits your parents, opens all doors for you, always making you feel safe. and it's so easy for you to feel guilty because you know you should think it's all perfect for you and you should feel so satisfied. but you just don't. something is off.

cue paul aron (who never really left your life lol)! every time you see him, it's like you get thrown back to the days when you used to be with him, and you get reminded of how great things were (at times). and paul reads you so well, the two of you were almost inseparable before and you know each other like the back of your hand, so it's easy for him to notice how unhappy you are in the relationship. he's good friends with ollie so he knows how gentle ollie can be, and he knows that isn't all you need in a relationship...

but on the other side, ollie also senses all of this. he knows what your relationship with paul was like; he knows how intense it was and how strong your love for each other was. and ollie notices the glances you take of your former lover, the way you suddenly get glossy-eyed and how your mood is affected when paul is mentioned in a conversation.

the thing is, ollie is headstrong and doesn't like to give up without a fight – he'll do anything he can to keep you. so he tries to find ways to make your relationship more like the one you had with paul, but... it just doesn't have the same spark for you, no matter how hard he tries....

thank you for your sweet words 🥺🥺 i dont remember when i first had the thought of them to that song but i really do think their vibes match it !!! and i've also kinda been thinking about that swedish house mafia & the weeknd song, cant remember the name..... but like "he seems like he's good for you, he makes you feel like you should, all your friends say he's the one, his love for you is true" for ollie, and then "but does he know you call me when he sleeps? does he know the pictures that you keep? does he know the reasons that you cry? does he know where your heart truly lies?" for paul...... like omg paul isnt your boyfriend but you still can't help but share secrets with him sometimes 😭 im going crazy, sorry

[bylertruther]

what do you think about will's line "you make [me] feel like [I'm] not a mistake at all" coming after the rain fight? he was devastated by the rain fight and thought of himself as stupid because of what mike said to him about not liking girls. he also destroyed castle byers because he was so hurt by mike's words. how does that fit into will's perception of mike as someone who has never made him feel like a mistake and who makes him feel better for being different?

(I really hope this ask doesn't come across as anti-mike or anti-byler bc I love mike and I love the ship so much, I'm just trying to understand how will's clear hurt after the rain fight and the distance from mike in lenora connects to the van scene and I'm asking you because you seem to have a good grasp on will's character)

warning: this is Extremely Long and i am Extremely Sorry, but the rain fight and what it means for their characters is one of my favorite things to talk about ever and so i have So Many Things to say abt it. sorry i lov u don't bite me pls.

no, i think it's totally fair to ask that! seriously, don't worry at all about how you come across. i don't agree with the idea that liking something = never acknowledging its flaws, so i'm always down to discuss stuff like this. i'm going to dive deep into my interpretation of the rain fight, because i feel i need to express that first in order to answer your question fully.

if i'm honest, back when it aired, the rain fight was what 100% struck down any microscopic crumb-of-a-crumb of hope that i had for byler in Any capacity, platonic or not. i finished the season and then didn't give a single shit about the show as a whole afterward, because i felt like it was such a slap in the face. not only to will, but mike, too, considering this is a character that's stood by will's side against all sorts of monsters, whether they were middle school homophobic bullies or eldritch monsters.

at the time, it was exceedingly difficult to reconcile the mike i loved and the mike i was seeing on screen, but i feel a little more clear on it now. i could be totally wrong, clouded by my own bias and perception, but here's how i see it all.

the rain fight hurt me more than anything in the entire show, because of how real it is and how neither of them are objectively wrong.

mike is in his very first relationship. it's shiny, exciting, and new. he's kissing all day, getting a rise out of authority figures, and having enough fun that he spends All of his time with her. it's not a serious relationship, but he's a kid, el is the first girl ever that isn't repulsed by him, they have an Insane trauma bond, and she's his "superman". it's not serious but it's Serious 2 Him, you know? he feels like a Big Boy now and he hides from his Very Bad Do-NOT-Touch-Or-EVER-Think-About Trauma behind this relationship. it makes him feel like he's moving forward.

will is feeling a similar sense of exhilaration and freedom. the gate was closed and the upside down has fled their world for good. hooray! he can finally be a teen again! he can finally be his version of Normal now, aka the will he was before the upside down! no more now memories, true sight, or fear that Something will come to get him, whether physically or mentally. he's a hostage unchained basically. it's summer, he has his party, and he just wants to have a good time with them. he just wants to be happy, live a little, and feel safe.

mike is seeking safety and reprieve in a girlfriend and will is seeking safety and reprieve in his friends.

but then...

mike's turning point:

mike is told that if he wants to continue to see el, he has to lie to her. so he does and then his Serious 2 Him relationship is over in a very unserious blink of an eye lol. he doesn't know how to win her back, because he doesn't actually know her, and he's understandably upset because he Wants To Have A Girlfriend Again because she's his Crutch.

he Needs her to feel Normal, but she does Not need him, which canonically makes him jealous. remember that this is something Super Important to his character, because having a girlfriend means he's Cool and Normal and Needed, which are more important than water and food to mike right now. i reiterate this, because that's mike's Entire Thing Since Forever. he Needs to keep up the act, because he doesn't like who he is without it as we learn in s4. he Needs it, desperately.

as such, this has him out of sorts and he seeks out lucas's help to win her back. we know mike, which means we know that he can get tunnel vision when he fears he might lose someone. so, this aggravates his already-negligent behaviors ("i was worrying too much about el" [paraphrased], "it's been like this all summer") and he turns into a Super Shitty Friend.

... i was going to go over will's turning point, but his journey is pretty clear, i think. everyone has a girlfriend and they all want to do girlfriend activities and they canonically forget about him in the process. he's there and yet no one sees him. ouch. lets fast forward to the fight.

will has reached his breaking point, because this campaign he's worked so hard on and is putting genuine effort into to make engaging for his friends is being treated like a joke. they're not laughing with him; his friends, his best friends are laughing at him. and that fucking Hurts. he's been trying to get them to do things they used to do, he's been trying to have fun with them in any capacity, and now that they're here... he's the fucking joke of the hour and they're quite literally jumping up and running at any opportunity to cast him aside.

so, you know what? fine. whatever. you guys win; i give up. have fun with the girls. i'm going home. lucas is shocked to the point of speechlessness at how upset will is, but mike immediately jumps into action. he softens, tries to go back to the game in earnest this time with lucas, and goes after him - almost trampling lucas - when his pleas are ignored.

will was invisible (to all, to mike) until he wasn't. (something about being careful what you wish for..?)

now, we fast forward again to the moment when will's heart is torn in two: "it's not my fault you don't like girls!"

first, let me say this: michael wheeler is a fucking bitch. we know this and we love him for it even when it hurts. that was a shitty thing to say, but... that does not make him The Shittiest Boy Alive, Ever. not even a little bit.

in season three, mike is a teenager behaving like a teenager. he felt ambushed by will's feelings and like it wasn't fair that this was all on him. ("you're the heart / without heart, we'd all fall apart"; again, the party is his responsibility, "but why is this all on me? why am i the bad guy?"; mike always has to be the leader, carrying the party on his back, but he himself doesn't get to unwind which is unfair in his eyes.) he isn't privy to will's journey like we are; he's caught up in his own world and his own shit, remember? he doesn't react super well, but will is yelling at him, very upset over something He Didn't Even Know He Was Doing All This Time ("you knew she was having trouble for a year and didn't tell me" aka this is where the "will doesn't tell mike the truth until it's too late" pattern begins), and telling him that he's the one ruining the party over some stupid girl, aka his (ex-)girlfriend, aka the girl that saved their lives, aka the girl that saved the Entire world twice so maybe don't call her stupid, will. (mike always sticks up for people, so of course he isn't going to react well to el being called stupid here, even by will.)

he shouldn't have said it, but mike is knee-jerk, cornered-animal reacting to will putting this all on mike's shoulders at the very last second after never having given him a chance to fix any of his actions. will bottled this all up and then exploded on him. of course mike isn't going to react well. of course he's going to put his foot in his mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind.

because in his mind, it really isn't his fault that will doesn't like girls lol. and it isn't HIS sole fault that the party is falling apart. not everything has to land on HIS shoulders. not everything has to be HIS responsibility.

he's a kid going through his own shit, that's lashing out at someone for lashing out at him first. it was shitty, it hurt will to his core, but i don't think mike meant to be cruel. he immediately backed down, tried to explain himself rationally (that they're all just changing and will should've expected that bc it's not like they can be the same kids forever), and then went after will (literally across town, on bikes, in the pouring rain and thunder, to his house and then to castle byers) to apologize.

he doesn't do this with anyone else—not even lucas or his own girlfriend. and when he does apologize? it's because someone is forcing him to, walking him through it, or because they did it first. mike doesn't ever make the first move or humble himself first... unless it's will. then he suddenly knows exactly what to do and what will needs from him. because he knows will and he listens to will.

everything that he did for will in that scene is precisely, word-for-word, what max told eleven that he'd do for her In The Same Episode just moments prior—but he didn't. he didn't!

he did everything he was "supposed to" without guidance or hesitation or headassery... for will.

when eleven confronts mike in season four and tells him he never says i love you, mike responds, very seriously, with "i say it." and you know what? i agree with him wholeheartedly.

mike loves will more than anyone. we're shown very clearly from the very beginning that the only person in the show that rivals his love, devotion, and loyalty for will is joyce. and will knows this! that's why mike is his bestest best friend! that's why he's hopelessly in love with him! because "max, dustin, and lucas, they're great..." but they're not mike! no one treats will the way mike does, and mike doesn't treat anyone the way he treats will! they're perfect for each other and will knows this! that's why he expected and wanted a future with mike!

and... he thought that mike wanted that, too. because THAT'S the crux of the rain fight. it isn't that will is gay. it's that will thought mike wanted Crazy Together, too! it's right there in the dialogue, what it is that they're really fighting about:

MIKE: I mean, what did you think, really? That we were never going to get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives? WILL: Yeah. I guess I did. I really did.

the fight is representative of an amalgamation of things and it cuts will's life into yet another before and after, but the point isn't that will doesn't like girls. the point was that will really thought it was always going to be them together—he thought they both wanted that; that that would be the one thing that never changed, even if they and everything else around them did.

when will is looking at a picture of them and saying "stupid.. so stupid" and RIPS IT DOWN THE MIDDLE BETWEEN HIM AND MIKE, with the memories that Start And End With Mike And His Voice Being The Focal Point, i interpret it as him feeling stupid enough to think that his feelings, his wants, and his dreams were ever reciprocated. stupid enough to believe that mike really did mean crazy together in every single way. that he meant it the way that will meant it and had always meant it.

mike is the one that brings up forever and will confirms it. he says yes, i did want that with you and i thought you wanted it, too. their argument ends there, because THAT was the real issue. You Got A Girlfriend And Replaced Me With Her; Something I Never Thought We Would Do To Each Other. THAT'S (!!!!!) the issue. THAT'S why mike looks so devastated afterward. THAT'S why he bikes in the rain to apologize. THAT'S why he looks so sheepish when will puts his dnd book in the donation box, why he's worried that Will Is Going To Replace Him With Someone Else!!! because their rain fight was about the fact that it was no longer him and mike against the world!! mike got a girlfriend and broke their unspoken promise!!

THAT'S why mike repeats "we're friends. we're. friends." at rink-o-mania, why he tried calling him all the time for Months (he felt like he'd lost will the same way that will felt like he'd lost mike last summer, their roles were perfectly and exactly reversed here), why he said that hawkins wasn't the same without him / there's no one like you, why he said they should be a team again (an Us, a We, Crazy Together; curiously after his gf breaks up with him lmao). it's the same fight all over again. "i lost you" / "i'm right here." + "friends... best friends." / "not possible." it's always about loss with these two.

that's why i feel like the rain fight doesn't contradict will's van confession. i think will's line of thinking is that mike can't help how he feels; aka, "i can't blame him for not returning my feelings / outgrowing our childhood love". and him not returning will's feelings doesn't make will feel like a mistake.

what made will feel like a mistake was his desire to go back to how things were and the realization that that was impossible. will tears down castle byers because it's too full of everything he once had and he learned the hard way that There Is No Going Back, There Is Only Going Forward. the theme of s3 is about change and will realizes this in the most heartbreaking way possible.

i hate the idea of anyone reconstructing castle byers, because the point is that will outgrew it. he can't hide through escapism in dnd or in castle byers. he has to build a life that he loves and feels safe enough in that he Doesn't Need a castle byers. (that's why s4 has him coming out of his shell wrt his sexuality and wanting to be open and honest about it as much as he can be with the ones that he loves and trusts, and he'll continue/conclude that journey in s5).

in season three:

mike learns that he doesn't Need eleven (see: how happy he was with will especially at the end, seemingly on good terms, and giddy still as he told el abt them coming over for christmas [note how he mentioned playing games in their basement for the rest of their lives in their fight vs how he's making plans to have them both over so they can play with their gifts {aka he's still thinking of will bc he Wants that future with him, too, deep down}]) ... until she kisses him, tells him she loves him, and then his brain breaks and all hell breaks lose again because the byers are literally leaving in just a couple minutes so how the FUCK is he going to deal with any of that, AND THEN in s4 when he does seem okay with being broken up with again he's then 1) reminded that she's his responsibility and 2) he needs to save her because if he doesn't then the world literally goes to hell and they all fucking die. so. yanno. that's tough. mike takes two beautiful steps forward and then gets pulled fifty steps back every time.

and will learns that hiding is not the same thing as living and that he needs to stop that if he wants to be able to move forward (see: "he's good at hiding", using dnd as an escape vs him giving away his dnd books + hopper's letter and the cave metaphor + being more open in s4 and wanting to "come clean" about being gay + the gay-coded advice he gives mike abt truth and fear).

mike definitely hurt him, but that's one moment out of a million where he's otherwise made will feel strong, loved, and capable, and will has told us that much himself more than once. will doesn't fault mike for wanting something else, someone else. he loves him without any expectation of it being reciprocated in that way.

he loves him, just because; because mike has always loved him and shown him a kindness and mercy like no other; because mike has known what he is and loved him anyway; because mike came to him and told him he didn't deserve anything after their fight, that hawkins wasn't the same without him, that the past year was weird without him, that he's more to mike than any of their other friends even after all this time, that they should be a team again as they face the end of the world together without superman's help.

because no matter what... they always love each other in a way that no one else does. even if will wants more than that, even if he aches with it, he still knows that what he has with mike is so special as it is. and that's enough for him.

mike didn't treat him any differently when their biggest concern was some mouthbreather calling him a fairy and he didn't treat him any differently after the upside down when everyone walked on eggshells around him, thinking he was about to break. mike has always treated him like a person that is strong and loved, and one sentence in the middle of a fight during a very stressful time for both of them doesn't diminish a history bursting with love.

i think what will fears isn't mike knowing he's gay, but mike knowing how will actually feels about him. i say this, because of the van confession and this line of will's in particular:

Sometimes I think it's just scary to open up like that. To say how you really feel, especially to people you care about the most. Because, what if… what if they don't like the truth?

this is played with the [tender, emotional music] which we know the sound directors used for intimate moments. will is also gauging mike's reaction here, giving him a searching kind of look, like he's testing the waters. will doesn't know this, but we as viewers know that this is a conversation about mike not being able to tell eleven he loves her. it isn't a reach to say then that will is talking not about being gay, but specifically about "how [he] really [feels]" about mike. that's what scares him: his unreciprocated crush, not his sexuality.

the duffers have said that will is trying to make himself be understood in the van scene and that will cries because mike doesn't get it. if he thought that mike was a homophobe, he wouldn't want to share this about himself. instead, mike makes him feel better for his otherness in all its shades. he wants to tell mike, because he wants to be honest with him and release some of that burden from his chest. but he's scared. he's so, so unbelievably fucking scared.

because, it's exactly as will says: "what if [he doesn't] like the truth?" what if that ruins the friendship that they just rebuilt? what if eleven finds out and then it's Even More Weird and Uncomfortable for everyone involved?

and considering how self-sacrificing will is... i feel like that's his other biggest concern regarding that entire clusterfuck. he loves them both. he doesn't want to hurt them or come between what he Thinks they have, because that'd be selfish and will isn't ever selfish even when he should be.

will's line about mike making him feel better for being different has canon support from season one and two. mike's outburst in season three is an outlier in his otherwise spotless record of loving will byers to an unhinged degree. even in season four, we see that mike never stopped reaching out to will. it was will who never reached out and mike was understandably upset about that, but even then he did try to include will afterward only to get iced out which "sabotaged the whole day" in his eyes. will didn't know this, though, and that's why he behaved the way that he did. still, will knows who mike is when he's not pretending and he wants mike to know who he is when he's not hiding. the rain fight hurt will indescribably, yes, but not because of the "it's not my fault you don't like girls" line in the way that it's understandably interpreted. so... i think it all fits together just fine.

[yukipri]

Hi! I'm currently rereading the Prime Override (I really love the story!) and m trying to get a more thorough understanding of Jango in this story. I'm currently stuck on one Canon scene and was wondering if you could elaborate Jango's thoughts there for me?

In canon, on Geonosis, Jango joins the battle attacking Mace while he's lost his lightsaber - likely bc a) hatred and b) convenient target since apparently less defense.

However, Jango in the Prime Override has pretty much lost his hatred instead of a thorough dislike. So, does this scene happen as in canon and if yes, what's his reasoning for joining the battle in this way (instead of possibly going for Boba and leaving) - a mix of anger (for being menaced beforehand) and fear (lightsabers are dangerous, but this Jedi doesn't have one right now)? Is he currently feeling more hatred than usual bc he prepared for being near Dooku? Something else I didn't think of?

Also, how does he think about that move afterwards (if he does at all)? Regret (maybe that wasn't the best move he could have made), annoyance (for dying to a Jedi), or maybe indifference (he was supposed to die at some point for the contract, after all)?

I hope this is something you can answer without spoiling anything to come in future chapters in some way.

Also, I really wanted to tell you how much I love your OC's (especially Ashe and Stabber) and positively flailed over the Stabber perspective last chapter XD I kinda want to give him aaaalllll the hugs 😂

I hope you have a lovely day/evening/night/whenever you see this, and take care!

Sorry for the late response! It's been a very rough few weeks for me, and I can't always guarantee I'll respond to Tumblr asks in a timely manner unless they're urgent, especially if they require any thought or a lengthy response, like this one.

At the time of his death in the Prime Override (and tbh, this fic mostly consists of my headcanons for canon), Jango doesn't actively hate the Jedi enough to go and kill them just because of it. He does dislike them enough that if given a good reason, he wouldn't hesitate to kill one if the opportunity arises. He is also heavily relying on the fact that both Tyranus and Sidious believe that he despises the Jedi passionately, and he uses this to hide his true endgame motives while working with them.

So tbh, while I don't consider this moment crucial to the Override plot atm, I think his actions make perfect sense within its context, for the following reasons:

1) On Geonosis, Jango is standing directly behind Tyranus (Dooku), and the entire arena execution was extremely public, so he could safely say that Sidious was also watching. So, Jango would be expected to act the way they expect him to, which is as you say: like he hates the Jedi and wants to kill them.

2) When Mace first appears, he, without prompting, ignites his lightsaber at Jango's neck. Jango was not aggressive or posing an active threat at the time; he was watching the arena with his bucket off, and Boba was right next to him.

Threatening Jango alone, publicly and in front of Jango's employer, is probably more than enough incentive for Jango to go after him. But that's not all; if you watch the scene, you'll see Boba jolt back away from the tip of the blade, and then run behind Jango. I'm sure Mace knew he was there and wouldn't have hit him, but from an outside POV (and that of a protective parent), that laser sword came awfully close to stabbing Boba, and that fact alone, Jedi or no Jedi, is probably plenty of reason for Jango to target Mace specifically.

3) While the lightsaber was held at Jango's throat, Mace's warning/threat is directed at Dooku, Jango's employer. Jango is, in fact, not on Geonosis for kicks and giggles and for introducing Boba to the joys of public executions. He's there on the job, to provide security for his employer. His employer is threatened, it's his job to get rid of the threat. The most clear threat is Mace.

4) Jango isn't stupid, and knows who the top Jedi is. He may or may not know about Dooku's history with Mace personally, but he's no doubt aware of the Head of the Jedi Order. If there's one Jedi of most "value" that the Sith would like killed, it's probably Mace.

Should note, that for a supposedly Jedi-hating guy who would love to kill them all, Jango doesn't start firing at the Jedi when they come pouring out into the arena; he stays back, only shoots Coleman Trebor when he lands on the viewing booth to attack Dooku since again, it's Jango's job to protect his employer.

Seeing Mace potentially at a disadvantage seems like both an opportunity that Jango must take, to keep up appearances, but is also the most convenient target, given both his prestige and the fact that he threatened Jango in front of Boba and Jango therefore has no guilt in killing him. If anything, the fact that Jango only goes after Mace instead of trying to kill as many Jedi as possible seems to give the "he doesn't actually want to massacre the Jedi" theory credence, at least to me.

Lastly, this isn't really much to do with Jango's reasons for killing Jedi or no, but I should mention that in the Override, Jango did have specific orders to get himself killed. Part of this is admittedly me trying to justify why Jango would take such a risk/not put up a better fight and live up to his reputation, but in general the characters in my head are a lot more competent than they're portrayed on screen. (I have similar justification headcanons for why Boba went out the way he did in ESB lmao)

I feel like I didn't answer all parts of your question, but I hope this answers enough and gives you some food for thought! If this moment does become more relevant to the Override, it will be covered in greater depth there.

Thank you so much for enjoying my work and reading my story!

❀ ❀ Send YukiPri an Ask! ❀ ❀

[nashidakyouko]

Oh my god I watched First Kill last week and idk what people are complaining about, it's pretty good!

I mean--big shock--it isn't the single best piece of media ever, but so what? Especially on what was apparently a shit budget.

It has good characters, some fairly interesting plots, a decent sense of humor, and some nice representation. And honestly it has a far more interesting look into a vampire who doesn't want to kill than I've seen in a long time. Even if that basic idea is pretty common, it's been handling it in a more interesting way than some crap that tries it. And that's mostly due to the interactions between the inner self, instincts, and pressures from a family that is insistent Juliette embrace her "nature." There's so much blatant manipulation and honestly I liked how it was done.

The primary relationship does progress really quickly, but I think some of that is very purposeful to drive home the Romeo and Juliet parallels and the painful ending to the season.

Plus, I hate Romeo and Juliet (I like Shakespeare, but people misinterpret R&J as an actual romantic work, and it has made it impossible for me to enjoy the source text), but by the end this actually felt like it was being more honest to the deeper themes of R&J, and to be honest to those themes the relationship virtually HAS to rush too quickly. That was part of the entire tragedy. Too hard, too fast, too young... I sure as hell hope they don't go with the double-suicide part of R&J, but having things end so badly for this season made perfect sense.

It's a perfectly good show with potential for a couple seasons, but so many people decided it was "too YA" and had "terrible CGI" and all this crap that I'm not even fully convinced is true, much less relevant to the quality of the story being told.

Also, while the world seems largely non-homophobic, there are really great scenes that SCREAM from the bad parts of the queer experience. The Severing was almost blatant Shock Therapy, for instance. I thought the exploration of homophobia through this lens was done pretty well and I somehow haven't seen anyone talking about it? (there must be people talking about it, but somehow the conversation about symbolism and themes never makes it to my dash bc most people want to pretend the show is single-layered)

Plus the whole show is literally "a vampire in love with a slayer" but hella gay.

Anyway, I really hope it gets renewed. I'd like to see what's next.

[cynthplop]

Wow, thanks for the fast reply! Yes I'd love to dive deeper into each sibling's life, I hope I'm not alone in that regard! And don't worry, I'm not disappointed at all, your ocs your story, I'm glad with whatever you share. Speaking of, may we know a bit about their parents as well? Maybe with a family portraIt of them together when they were a bit younger? I LOVE aristocratic family portraits, especially fictional ones and your artsyle is really in my alley if that makes sense. Much appreciated

And now for my designated extremely slow reply LMAO thank you for your interest and understanding, again I can't say this enough but it means EVERYTHING ;-;

And yes, you may certainly know about the Darkest mama and papa :> let's lie in this can of worms, baby

Ok so. Usually I wouldn't go this hard on artwork for an ask bc I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO ACGHH but I've always wanted to do a family portrait of these guys anyways so here was a wonderful opportunity (thank you haha) SO. Mama and papa Darkest, Aadhya and Abraham.

They were an arranged marriage, Aadhya being chosen by the ancestor for his son, Abe, (totally not because he wanted Aadhya for himself or anything, and was a total creepazoid about designing her children, no, of course not) who at the time was a very high ranking Cultist Gladiator. They genuinely fell in love over time, but in an attempt not to scare her away and lose her, Abe kept the whole Darkest cult thing a secret, sucking her into a terrible life and being one of his greatest regrets forever.

Shortly before the birth of their first son, Abe couldn't hold back the secret anymore and informed Aadhya of his and his father's true affiliations. She was rightfully mortified at the betrayal and the knowledge that her soon to be child was stolen from her, and fell into a deep depression, barely speaking or eating, that lasted through all of her children's births, save Robin, who she favoured due to being the only one not designed by the Ancestor. (Stoking the flame of jealousy from Howard, who loved his mother very very much.)

And through the birth of every child, those many many years, Abe neglected his family due to plotting revenge against his father for what he did to them. Eventually, when Robin was about 15, he and his siblings were sent away at the order of their father to a remote cliff side house in an attempt to protect them in case his plot of vengeance went awry (spoiler: it went awry). He confronted his father, and for his efforts, got himself transformed into a Templar Warlord and cast into the bowels of the Darkest manor. With just Aadhya left, the Ancestor attempted to sway her to the cult with promises of new worlds, and new chances. She relented, desperate for any peace of mind and respite from her burden. But her lack of passion or willingness or even ability to return his affections angered the Ancestor, so he punished her by making her an anonymous acolyte doomed to worship and live alone. Sorry, Tardif accidentally kills her in the Weald OOP-

All this while Robin suffers alone at the cliff house, transformed by his siblings into what is essentially a mini Darkest Dungeon, catacombs and cultists and everything. That is, however, where he starts noticing weird things about himself (not puberty- ok maybe eldritch puberty) like wounds healing up quick, tentacle powers, really really realistic dreams of people he doesn't recognize, and a strange pull towards his old home at the Hamlet that he knows isn't homesickness. Digging through his brother Phillip's books proves a fruitful endeavour when Robin comes across a ritual to commune with an ancient, evil god. And Robin wants answers.

ANYWAYS.... that was mostly about Abe and Aadhya lmao, who are explorations on conflicting parenting. They each adore their family, but have made irredeemable mistakes in the form of neglect and favouritism. And also keeping huge cult secrets from your wife. That was really fun to type up, and thank you again for sending me asks, it really keeps me going!!!

[frecklystars]

Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻

HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3

I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.

But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...

...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.

Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.

But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;

Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3

[transrightsyamaguchi]

thoughts on volume 2 of real

i was going to liveblog it like i did with volume 1 but i. got so absorbed i ended up reading the whole thing in one sitting. anyway (under a cut bc it's Long but it's mostly spoiler free):

i can See the nomiya-azumi-kiyoharu love triangle coming but i want azumi and kiyoharu to end up together so badly holy shit. especially now that i know just how long this slow burn has been burning. i love. straight people

MENTION OF THE WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL POINT SYSTEM!!! author did his research 👍

i changed my mind about takahashi i like what happened with his arc here. it might be because i went 3 weeks between reading the first and second volumes and had time to forget about his asshole behavior but man i felt for him. he's such a dick but you can't help but cry with him. out of all the characters you feel takahashi's anger/sadness/grief the most viscerally. and good lord is this boy going through the five stages of grief.

also re: takahashi i NEED to know how nomiya and kiyoharu react to seeing him again once he gets out of the hospital. we got a little sliver of nomiya reaction to finding out he's been hospitalized but i need the reunion scene. especially since takahashi's met kiyoharu before and even lost a game of basketball to him. that reunion will be so interesting. i don't even have predictions for how it would go but i think losing another game of basketball against kiyoharu would be good for takahashi in terms of character growth.

i cannot stress enough how masterfully done the scene transitions are here. the first volume too. i was wondering if that was a fluke but i think this guy just really likes Juxtaposition.

HI BABYGIRL!!! (said about an adult man who is the same age as me)

KIYOHARU BACKSTORY. god he's such a cute little guy. the eyelashes.

my heart was racing during the whole backstory sequence and THE VOLUME ENDS IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. i hope we see him get diagnosed---i can't imagine why we wouldn't? other than brevity purposes at least.

the whole "i'll confess to her when i break 11 seconds" thing. i had to put down the book for a second and wait for my heart to go back to normal. do you mean to tell me that (gestures to the backstory) all THIS happened and then he just. sat on that crush for five. years. not just him but azumi too. oh they're perfect for each other.

also they NAMED THE CANCER. i don't know why i'm so excited that a writer has done the bare minimum amount of research on a medical condition a character has but. you know. usually i don't even get that (gestures vaguely to yukimiya kenyu). i wonder if it's too much to hope for for kiyoharu to have a rotationplasty. probably. we'll find out.

one negative thing for all this gushing: i hope this series passes the bechdel test at some point. azumi is a good character but she's very Not Like Other Girls. i'm inclined to blame some of this on the fact that this was written in 1999 but. come on man.

i keep feeling like this is a bit too good to be true if that makes any sense. like. togawa kiyoharu is a disabled character who is fully capable of kicking ass but is also well-rounded with flaws and personality, who isn't constantly angsting over being disabled, whose character arc does not surround his disability (what's set up of his arc so far is that he quit his team because he's more competitive than the other players and he's bad at cooperating. bit of a kageyama complex. he'd have fun in blue lock). and he's cute. no way they're just Giving us all that. there has to be some sort of catch. i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

hopefully the other shoe doesn't drop in volume 3 otherwise i have to return the whole stack to the library at once and that will be even more embarrassing than checking them out was. i spent so long at that damn self-checkout stand trying to cram all 14 books into my bag.