#also i think I might need the Internet taken away from me in general. it’s making me crazyyyyyy!!!! way too easy to waste my whole day.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

what is up with the lack of commenting on ao3 in our modern age 😩

[leothil]

About deco my tree

If you, like me, used the decomytree-site to receive and send messages lately, you've probably also seen the post warning that the site might have nefarious intentions. This is likely correct. When I went to look at my messages today, it told me "Currently, only the app can open messages due to high usage." That is clearly complete bullshit. It's probably self-evident, but DO NOT DOWNLOAD THE APP. This is base level scam stuff: trick people into getting excited about a service, then lock it to only one platform where the user will have to give up some information in order to get what they want.

(Obviously, I can't say with 100% certainty that something sus is afoot, but my warning bells are ringing very loudly. I am leaning towards this being more of an attempt to lure money out of people than an information stealing attempt, but you can never know.)

I took a look at what the app requirements are:

This ain't great for something that allegedly only is for leaving cute messages for other people. I'm looking specifically at the "Data isn't encrypted" part. If you've taken a look at your tree today, you've probably noticed that ads for an AI app have appeared here and there in the UI; this is by the same company behind deco my tree.

Now. If you still want to see your messages, there is the option of running the app in a virtual environment that isolates it from the rest of the device, and thus from the data on it. I think iOS and Android both might have native sandbox environments, but I'm not familiar with them. What I did was download an android emulator to my computer and installed the app there. It's completely separated from the rest of my OS and will cease to exist when I nuke the session after reading and saving all my messages.

The emulator I used is called Bluestacks. It has ads and will take up ca 5GB of space, but it's a reputable emulator, and I've used it before to play android games on my desktop. Once you're in there, you can navigate to your tree in the already existing Chrome browser on the desktop (or home screen, I suppose), and find the link to their help center, where they have a download link for the apk file without needing to go through the Play Store (which you'd have to log in to using a google account). Also a bit suspicious, but handy in this case. I've also included the links above for you to use. Once you've downloaded the .apk the app will open and you'll be able to log in and see your messages.

Side note - if you used a generic password that you use in several other places for this tree, I highly recommend changing it in all other places, especially if you usually combine it with the same email you used for decomytree.

Another fun thing I noticed is that the app refuses to load the earliest three messages on my tree, for whatever reason. But when I navigate back to the website (inside the emulator), it now opens the messages just fine since it can tell I have the app installed. 🙃 The app also continuously displays ads for the same AI app mentioned above, trying to trick you into clicking on them when you're swiping through your messages. It also does this fun thing:

Yeah. Bypassable, but highly irritating, and guaranteed to catch at least some poor people that don't know what to click on to make it go away.

TL;DR: don't download the app directly to your phone, use a sandbox to isolate it to see your messages, and then ask it to delete your account (and hope that it works, because so far the so-called verification code has failed to appear in my inbox). And change your password if you've used the same one elsewhere on the internet.

[allegraforchrist]

This might be a controversial take, but what opinion isn’t. As a Christian and older sister, I think video games are not suitable nor should be easily accessible to children under the ages of 16. Why do I say this? Well because I’ve watched someone close to me suffer emotional abuse and idolatry unlike anything, and had to sit aside and watch it wreck her social and personal life. It has also negatively impacted me, but I’m not going to dwell on that.

Please understand, I enjoy gaming. I watch gameplays and love to see the hard work and joys of people in the gaming community. Yet I’m also aware of the dark side of it all. And what sickens me, is the intellectual, and emotional, deficit I’ve seen develop in the gaming community, in younger children. There’s no separation anymore from reality and fiction, it’s the same as seeing children on TikTok and Instagram post videos and ‘comedic’ content.

I was born in 2005, I’ve lived through every social ‘cringe’ and trend. I’ve lived through the transition of ‘vintage to digital’ with dvds and vhs going extinct. I’m living through the all digital/online era, and marketed lifestyle of overconsumption. I’m living and witnessing it everyday, from my phone, to my personal home life. And I can’t express how much I despise it all. While gaming and social media are tools, they’ve now been developed to fulfill every gap in one’s life where people, hobbies, and emotional grit, and perspective, should’ve developed.

We are normalizing antisocial behaviors, speech disorders (medical and social), intellectual disabilities and incapacitation to critically think. Mental and emotional problems, relating to oneself and their abilities, is far more stark than it was over the last 4 decades. Insecurity isn’t not going to exist, but we are sitting in the generation(s), where it’s necessary to their content and online life. Where ‘rotting’ and depression are a more reasonable way of life, rather than seeking help and support.

And if people want to say “Generation Alpha is just different, and you can’t appreciate that.” You’re right, I can’t appreciate a generation that has the lowest EQ, highest bullying rate, and higher screen dependency, I’ve seen from my childhood to my teenhood, and now young adulthood. Generation Alpha, and even adults today from Gen Z or Gen XY, are all victims from our society’s rapid despondency and dehumanization.

You cannot convince me, that the same video game or gaming platform a child plays for 7+ hours a day does not affect their ability to comprehend beyond online social queues. You cannot convince me that there isn’t a problem if games that are meant to inspire and develop creativity, are now the same triggers to children developing a hatred of school and their lives, if the game is taken away or they lost in it. You cannot convince me Generation Alpha, and their adults, have a problem with cyber bullying and TikTok syndrome - where every moment is a clip worth sharing online, and not being experienced as genuine human memory.

I don’t need to add statistics to my argument, because the whole internet is filled with enough articles to prove my point. Scroll long enough on Instagram and you’ll see thousands of people complaining about AI and the algorithm and screen time. People posting videos about articles that have spoken, and further elaborated (scientifically) on my point. I don’t say any of this to shame the gaming community or Generation Alpha, or any adults. I’m sharing a conclusion I’ve drawn as a Christian and young woman, that has a younger sister who is victim to this everyday.

I want to reach out and speak about this. Not from a political, or social perspective, but from a human and child perspective. Because there’s a huge need for human connection and responsibility over these online platforms and children’s development. And there needs to be an even larger need to bring God into this problem, to break down familiar idols that strip away children’s creativity and identity, that He created in each of them with a purpose and plan! We need to pray and take spiritual and physical action against this play satan has over the online world. Making it more enticing and worth living for, than the one our Savior shed His blood for!

Children are the future, yet they cannot see it beyond their screens. Children cannot see their lives beyond the blue and white, when it’s meant to be in the rainbow. Games aren’t necessarily evil, but the characters they build in our children can turn out that way. We need to bring back the life in their eyes, and hands and feet and spirits; because their lives are more precious than any amount of likes, follows, and XP, they will ever earn at their fingertips.

[actualbird]

im beginning to doubt if luke packed like, an adequate amount of clothes in his luggage for this villa auction trip. because would he even have space for that given all the inVESTIGATION TOOLS HE BROUGHT ALONG WITH HIM?????

1 ) substance analyzer

(sidenote: how DID vyn know about this device??? what chemical testing adventures did luke and vyn get up to offscreen?????)

2 ) fingerprint testing kit

(sidenote: my buddy beckthebeetle said "how on earth did luke get a match for the prints if he cant connect to the internet???" which is such a good point and also so funny that i will be returning to it)

3 ) sAFE CRACKING TOOLS????

(sidenote: luke can crack safes. if he werent a government employee, he'd make SUCH a good master thief)

i know all these things are described as small, as they all somehow fit in a small bag he must have on-hand with him at all times (i cant believe luke pearce has the Bag Of Holding), but their size isnt my concern here. it's the fact that he Brought all of them. while they are all under the general category of Tools That Could Be Useful On An Investigation, their purposes and uses are wildly different, so it's simply a testament to how luke is bonkers (i say this oh so affectionately) and packing just anything and everything he thinks could POSSIBLY be useful later on. lest we all forget, he brought his resin kit to khaimit back in SOTT. so i wouldnt be surprised if he had a block of C4 tucked away in his luggage. just in case.

PLUS, luke brought peanut (arguably also an investigation tool but thats just a bonus, this bird is primarily an emotional support tool and also BirdSon) with him so he mustve brought peanut's food and treats because no matter how much he complains about peanut's chunkiness, he spoils that bird like nothing else. so i posit that his luggage is 40% tools + 40% peanut things + and 20% luke's actual day-to-day stuff that he brought along

and thus

luke: okay i need to ask a favor but none of you can tell mc, okay? does anyone have extra socks i can borrow?

artem, marius, vyn, taken aback because they thought with all the secrecy that it had something to do with luke's mysterious "vitamins" that he takes at HQ sometimes: socks???

luke: yeah, socks

artem: why?

luke: im out of socks

artem, who finds the concept of being underprepared to be unthinkable: youre out of socks? how??

vyn: i took you as somebody who was prepared for everything

marius: yeah, you brought safe cracking tools but you didnt bring socks?

luke: i brought...way more than just the safe cracking tools. which is probably why...i forgot to pack more socks

artem: how on earth were safe cracking tools higher on your list of priorities than socks?

vyn: in a similar vein, how was your chemical analyzer higher on that list of priorities too

luke: i know i know! but can we stop dissing on my lack of socks and start helping out with a collaborative solution to my lack of socks?

marius: and the fingerprint kit!!!---

luke: guys plEASE

marius: ---actually, wait a second. how did you get a match for sam zheng's fingerprint? theres no internet, you couldnt have connected to any databases to run that print through

luke: SOCKS. ANYBODY?

artem: no no, i was curious about that too, how did that work?

vyn: see this piece of information as your payment for the socks. quid pro quo

luke: you dont need the internet to create a new database of collected prints! okay, socks now, please? help?

artem: wait, no no. did you say 'create' a new database

vyn: and 'collected'

luke: ...............OKAY, LISTEN....

marius: oh my GOD? dude, did you fucking get everybody's prints at the villa???

luke: there was NOTHING TO DO for a few days and i was getting BORED doing NOTHING so might as well just lift everybody's prints from cutlery and furniture for future reference than do NOTHING but be alone with the fact im lacking SOCKS. SO CAN ANYBODY LEND ME SOME SOCKS ;-;

[usedtobecooler]

You're absolutely correct about the minor coding. It triggers a visceral reaction in me when I see that shit, and it's still the stuff that gets high numbers in this fandom. It gives me pause about writing here at all, which is a shame. I enjoy writing and sharing. I enjoy writing smut. I don't kink shame. I'm not a prude. The amount of bridges I've had to burn due to this is outrageous.

i absolutely agree. i’ve never written that type of reader because for one it’s not me or how i act at all, and for two no matter how much you might try to veer away from the reader sounding like a child, it will almost always read that way when using certain phrases and using certain body language.

i’m not kink shaming or at least i’m not trying to, but there is a fine line to be tread between when writing these specific types of characters. porn consumption in general is damaging to the brain, and you have to be aware that, as extreme as this sounds, even in word format it is still damaging in high amounts especially when it is involving this specific kink.

i’m bringing attention to this as an almost solely smut writer. i’m aware that i’m not exempt from this discussion, though i am and have always taken steps and measures to make sure i’m not infantilising women and feeding into this specific kink. we all need to be aware that our work is a part of the over consumption of porn on the internet and try to take precautions to protect ourselves and others (especially underage fans who will still be lurking around, regardless of whether we know it or not) from being exposed to these things in vast amounts, especially when they’re posted with incorrect warnings. normalising unrealistic sexual relationships is another reason why young minds are twisted to believe this is the real normal for all adults.

i’ll also add this — if you believe your favourite character would be attracted to and turned on by women who act like children, do you really think much of them at all? because any man i’ve ever met who genuinely likes that has always been a wrongun.

[gamingavickreyauction]

This is probably one of my most cancellable opinions, and if Max is reading this, please cover your ears. But:

I think most languages should die.

I get that the reason languages are dying out, and that English is becoming more ubiquitous, is imperialism and neocolonialism, etc. but I just don't think that makes it a bad thing. Basically, the point of language is to communicate, and the more people you can communicate with, the better the language is. Fewer, larger languages means larger collections of people who can all understand each other, consume each other's media, and trade with fewer barriers. In particular, having an international language is great because it makes it relatively easy for almost anyone to trade with almost anyone.

This enables wonderful things: we get more stuff by better exploiting comparative advantage, immigration can be made much easier, especially temporary immigration for work, where it might not be practical to become fluent in the languages of multiple countries you are working in. It also enables people to have a wider range of culture available to them: if your language community is only 1 million people, you will have a thousandth as many books to choose from as a language community with 1 billion people. And this in turn makes serving more niche interests economically viable. Moreover, I think there is a huge benefit to understanding other countries/cultures, which a common language crucially facilitates.

So there are lots of pros - what are the cons?There can also be a loss of culture associated with the loss of language communities - no one can read the works, which is a loss in itself, and that can further mean that the works aren't preserved. Language can also be closely tied to identity - people might feel a profound sense of loss at the language they grew up with dying out, and that's something that should be taken seriously. I must confess, I would be very upset if English were no longer to be spoken.

But in a sense, these are all transient effects. It's callous, but when the last generation of X-speakers dies out, that sense of loss dies with them. It's very difficult to weigh that against tangible economic benefits, against the ability to migrate more easily to where you choose, and to engage with a wider pool of culture. But these latter effects are permanent - once you have a universal language, in the internet age at least, it's not going away. And that, together with a conviction that someone's material needs being met is ultimately the greatest contributor to well-being, inclines me to think that the benefits in the long run outweigh the loss of community and identity to people whose languages are dying out.

And the foreshortening of opportunity to an ambitious young person raised in a small language community is a great tragedy - they can become fluent in a second language, for sure, but that's a huge investment of time that they have to make and puts them at a huge disadvantage compared to their peers.

The loss of culture is also something that can largely be planned around. You can produce and preserve dictionaries and whatever else to make sure that anyone who wants to read documents in language X always can, conditional on having the motivation to actually learn language X (or they can read machine translations of it, which I'm sure will continue to get better). Which rather mitigates the loss. Similarly, a large effort can be put into writing down the well-known stories of a language that is on the way out.

Of course, a lot of rarer stories will fail to be preserved like this, so a lot of loss is inevitable, but those little-known stories are likely to die out in a few generations even if the language maintains a healthy speaking population. So even this can't really be considered a permanent effect - it just means that stories get lost sooner than they otherwise would, not that stories which would have been preserved get lost.

And in exchange, we get an economic environment in which more cultural production can thrive. What wouldn't be feasible to produce for a language community of 1 million, or even 1 billion, becomes feasible with a language community of 8 billion. So we get the production of many new works - particularly niche works - which would never otherwise be made. Permanently.

I recognize that this is kind of easy to say, as my language isn't the one going extinct, and is, in fact, the one serving most as an international language. But I do believe that even if English was dying out, I think I would still hold these beliefs about what the socially best outcome is, even if it didn't personally benefit me. I have always absolutely hated learning languages, but I think even I would be willing to learn, say, Mandarin Chinese if it came with the ability to talk to anyone, anywhere in the world.

It is also unfortunate that the languages that will tend to take over will be the ones of imperial powers, which were imposed on unwilling populations. But I don't think that actually has any bearing on the contemporary ethical issue, as preserving or discarding languages today doesn't do anything to help people who suffered under imperial regimes decades or centuries ago.

This doesn't necessarily mean I support real-world policies aimed at language homogenization because there are always many extra considerations in practice, and there is a history of this being done in brutal ways, often to suppress cultures. But it does mean I near universally oppose policies aimed at language preservation. E.g. I think that children being taught in Welsh in school are being done a huge disservice, as they would have far more possibilities opened to them by speaking English, so there shouldn't be any attempts to have more schools teach in Welsh.

I am interested to know what parts of this people agree and disagree with, as I don't think any of my premises are as controversial as my conclusion. And please don't cancel me, I'm only little.

[freesia-writes]

There has been a distinct theme on my dash today, and I wanted to make a separate post about it cause it applies to all fandoms and all writing in general.

PLEASE forgive anything that may come across insensitively; I’m using quote marks for words I don’t necessarily agree with but don’t know what else to use, and if my loving intent is blurred by any poor wording choices, feel free to call it out. 💕

Something amazing happens when a story is written through the eyes of a main character who experiences life through significantly different lenses than the prominently portrayed experience in media (white, cis, comfortable financially, hetero, neurotypical, etc etc), and I think it’s even more impactful when the story isn’t *about* the “differences”. A number of wonderful things occur here:

People who usually don’t feel represented or can’t relate to most media are given the chance to feel what “mainstream” viewers experience.

People who share traits with the main character don’t feel so alone.

People who don’t relate or share the experience can begin to understand it in a new way, more so than just “learning” about it.

I think it also can slip past the biases we all hold — my 67yo white dad isn’t going to read a book featuring a main character with anxiety and panic attacks if the book is something like “How to Have Empathy for Mental Struggles”, but when it’s this real, fleshed-out person and you’re hearing the experience through their eyes in the context of an awesome plot… It gets in there. ;)

It also provides such a rich opportunity to expand our understanding beyond our default egocentrism, in ways we might not seek out intentionally, and it can really open our eyes to social issues more than traditional activism, I think. Why?

Not everyone has felt the suffocating weight of depression, not as “just sadness” but as complete emptiness that makes you just want to sleep so life can pass by a little faster.

Not everyone experiences a racing mind, elevated nervous system, and feeling of being taken over by something other than “you” to the point where daily tasks are overwhelming.

Not everyone can relate to being unable to fall asleep because the waistband of your pants is too thick and is right across your hip bone and you sleep on your stomach and it drives you crazy if you can’t get it just right.

Not everyone can relate to feeling terrified to the core when your dad gets pulled over by the cops and you’re so worried that you want to vomit in the back seat.

Not everyone has lived with a disconcerting sense of not feeling at home in their own body, and are overloaded with all the voices screaming 8 million different things of what they “should” be or feel or do.

Not everyone has been accused of being lazy, inconsiderate, or undisciplined when they’re actually as well-meaning and loving as could be, but their brain works differently and sometimes time just gets away from them.

These are just a few examples, and maybe I’m way late to the game here and y’all are like… DUH. 😂🙈 But I was just so delighted with this new fic, where the reader is autistic, anxious, etc, that it sent me on a thought trail.

The main reason I wanted to lay it out is to encourage all you writers out there who LIVE these realities to bring them into your characters instead of trying to mainstream your stories so they’ll reach a wider audience or whatever your motive may be. We NEED to hear amazing fanfics and original works from experiences that are wildly different than our own. It will expand our understanding, increase our empathy, and hopefully bring more unity instead of all the arguing and clamoring to be heard.

But, as always, I’m just another idiot on the internet so take it with a grain of salt. 😉

xoxo

[jestershark]

if you say "i like everything except country and hip-hop"

there was a post going around a while ago which had people justifying why they don't listen to black music and rap and it pissed me off so i made a baby's first rap playlist.

some personalized recommendations below the cut

Being An Ally (tm) means complaining about racism and also Pushing The People You Are In Community With To Do Better. so I've compiled a list of excuses I've heard people make and some songs to counteract those excuses.

so i went through the post and then some reddit/quora responses for "why don't you like black artists" and "why don't you like rap"-- the general answer for lots of these is "you have uninterrogated racism and bias and you aren't working on fixing that"

so while i don't think a lot of these excuses are like, good excuses, I'm going to go down a list of excuses and recommend some starter songs

i think a lot of White Kids have this response of "i like everything except rap and country", but black musicians make every kind of music! rap itself has a ton of variation-- it's not just mumble rap and gangsta rap, there's tons of artists with different voices, different styles, and different results. (honestly a lot of you would like backpack rap and nerd rap. i see you)

here's my list

"I like music with good lyrics"

try out doechii

By the time you hear this I'll have taken on another form The way I been snappin ya'll gon end up my children of the corn I think I've adapted to all of the cannibal savages I feel a Possession in this session I need a catholic to Assess it Come and bless it Then undress it

mf DOOM is a favourite for a fucking reason:

There's four sides to every story If these walls could talk, they'd probably still ignore me Contemplate war over a cup of warm coffee It's really getting gory, tell your problem to Maury

Don't bore V with the "Glory, hallelu-ey" Crews be like, foo-ey he's just a buncha hoo-ey I knew he had new G, who he? Viktor Vaughn He had a new sicker song, I think he call it "Lickupon"

like 90% of hiphop is just incredible lyricism and puns. what's not to like.

"rappers just write about drugs and violence"

writing about violence well is art! this song is art:

this song talks about violence, does that make it bad? unrelatable? why does it do that?

also if you like music that has INSANE lyrical flexibility, please listen to this:

"i only like music if i can somehow tie it to my ocs"

everything is going wrong in my oc's life and they're barely keeping it together:

"i like strings and traditional instruments"

this baseline + godzilla sampling is so good-- listen to how they pass the verses back and forth!

this whole album is a master class in good sampling and i really recommend it!

"i like kpop"

here's a rap song with miku in it

"i like gay music only"

there are SO MANY gay rappers and hip hop artists, so many. do you deny the internet? this song by ilovemakonnen is extremely Gay Love. here's a song about being a huge lesbian.

here's a huge playlist: find SOMETHING. here's a bunch more.

"Most all rappers sound the same", "the beats nearly all the same", "Not a whole lot of melodic value to rap" , "Most modern rap is crap with no actual musicianship or storytelling", "Because rap is hedonistic, narcissistic, misogynistic and worst of all violent."

ok go through and listen to what I've linked above. do those all sound the same to you? think about why. think about what you like about other music, and what it might be about this music in particular that you don't like.

if you listen to a song by tupac, or snoop dog, or any other 90s rapper, their music is the cornerstone of all of modern music. including country. including kpop. including stuff that's far away from any other music. without hiphop and rap you don't have like. half the other genres that currently exist, and the other half have no reason to evolve or change.

"I just don't like their vocal timber"

you're racist. find jesus.

A final word:

listen to critics who say this stuff better than i can-- and i guarantee these are fun youtube videos to watch by creators who Are Good At Their Jobs

the rap critic

fd signifier

foreign man in a foreign land

khadija mbowe

princess weekes

bonus some of you should watch this video and this video

[ofmermaidstories]

Soooo have you ever seen any giant spiders in Australia?? I want to visit but I’ve heard there’s a lot of spiders and I’m terrified of even the thought

I say this kindly; you’re worried about the wrong kind of spiders, LOL. The big fellas are wussies! Big scaredy-cats!!! I live out in the country, so not only do I see them but a lot of the time I’m rooming with the bastards—I like to leave my doors and windows open during the day (it’s hot!) so it means they will scurry in away from the birds and the toads and make themselves at home. I think the most common ones I end up having to chase back out are Huntsmen—which look scary, but are pretty harmless (I think?? To humans, at any rate). Sometimes I can’t be assed dealing with them (they are hard to catch because of those stupid legs!) and they’re good at killing pests, so my general policy is they can hang out as long as I don’t see them. And if I do see them, it has to be in neutral territory like the lounge or the kitchen—if they appear in my bedroom or try to jump scare me in the bathroom then they get evicted!

This probably makes me sound braver than I am—I don’t much like spiders! I don’t much like being surprised by them and I don’t much like it when they gallop (and they do indeed gallop, the fuckers) but at the end of the day, they’re just bugs. We are bigger and scarier and for all we like to congratulate ourselves on inventing ice-cream and the internet and money, we still have to share the planet with them.

Good news for you though!!! As a tourist I’m presuming you’d be sticking to the cities and the coastline? So your chances of being hunted by a spider the width of your hand is less likely, LOL. If you go to a bushy area or you backpack, you might see one or two but—idk, I reckon you’re probably more likely to see one of the webbers in a tree or between fence posts or something, and you can just… walk around them LOL. Like I said, the big fellas are generally pretty wussy!!! They will try to avoid you at all costs! They also don’t have hanging webs like the littlies, so they’re going to be in undergrowth/bush kind of places—and in a city, in a hotel or a resort or wherever you stay, there’s going to be too much activity indoors for them to enjoy themselves! I live in an old house that has more space than I really need, so my little spider friends can get away with sneaking in and making themselves at home before I’ll even notice them (jerks!).

I promise!!! You will be okay. :) If you visit and see one, just tell it to go away! They generally listen. 🥹 I woke up one night, ages ago, to a massive bastard on the wall across from me—he was roughly as big as my hand, spanned out, but it was like, 3am and I was exhausted so I just told him he wasn’t allowed to be there when I woke up!!! Come morning, and he wasn’t. 😌 I saw him again a couple of nights later tho—he was hiding from the geckos, they’d taken a couple of his legs. 🥺 So I caught him in a box (nightmarish, he could still gallop even two legs down! this whole escapade involved me shrieking a lot at him (“STOP MOVING!”) and jumping up on my bed, trying to get the drop on him! death from above, lmao) and threw him outside, LOL. Remember!!! We are bigger and scarier!!!! We can beat them up!!! 💪🏽✨

[psychic-refugee]

A few new developments…Shitshow 1 might be in some legit deep shit if she released those photos.

I have posted previously that the accusers may not ever see a suit from him because they literally aren’t worth it.

For the CSAM, I was really hands off because I hadn’t seen the photos, I didn’t see the original tweet spreading them, and didn’t have any of the facts. Perhaps it was my naivety, but I had assumed two things. 1) these images had been made as a “gift” to a girlfriend of his. 13 is really young IMO, but I was like, ok that’s the world we live in these days, and I didn’t actually know how old he was in the photos. 2) I thought the first instance of the pics being shared online or the police made aware was recently.

In general, I thought how it went was PHW gave these pics to a GF. The GF maybe shared with someone as a “OMG, look what PHW gave me, should I send him mine?” So, someone in that friend group more or less kept the pics because…??? Pics go from friend to friend bc kids are dumb and have no real sense of consequences yet, then they somehow made their way to Shitshow 1. My assumption was that an actual friend had leaked those pics, hopefully without malice, and Shitshow for her own reasons didn’t want to bust them out. So, she made up the “chatroom” excuse.

I am of the belief the reddit post was her, and so maybe she had also secretly posted on the other website hoping someone would recognize him and point it out for her.

I was of the opinion that PHW wouldn’t waste his time because he’d have to press charges and then go through the whole ordeal of verifying/giving testimony of when those pics were taken and who he shared them with. If he pressed charges, then it’s his and the Crown’s burden to prove that the pics are indeed CSAM.

The pics were already taken down off the one website and I thought more or less scrubbed from Twitter piecemeal as soon as the images were reported. I didn’t think he would get restitution, again the accusers are broke. He makes more acting and networking, so perhaps he hoped he could just wash his hands of this once the circus ran its course.

Even if police want to press charges, it’s hard to get a conviction if the victim in question won’t cooperate.

Now we have new facts.

I’ve seen posts where his mother (whom I would call a reliable fact witness) says neither was the case. The reality was that he was victimized, and the police had been involved several years ago.

Why would this matter? It matters because the police already have on record PHW’s age and victimization. These photos are probably in a CSAM database and have been since he was 13 (late 2014ish). PHW isn’t needed to establish anything and may not even need to attend court at all. The court will already know these images are for sure CSAM.

There are also special task forces continuously tracking down known CSAM, so the police might have been on Shitshow’s trail from the get go. As soon as they’re alerted that a known CSAM has surfaced, they get a warrant to monitor your shit to track it down and see if you have more. See generally Josh Duggar case.

Because of the nature of CSAM and how nothing can truly go away on the internet, the courts aren’t going to make the victims show up every time they bust someone with the shared material. Unfortunately, some CSAM is very well known and “popular.” They have the facts and can proceed without the victims.  

If he doesn’t have one already, then at most PHW would give a Victim Impact Statement via letter and the judge will read it out loud and take it into consideration when sentencing. Given the absolute shitshow Accuser 1 made of the whole ordeal and how bad she looks, I have high doubts the judge will be lenient to her.

We also have to question how Shitshow got her hands on these if he had only given them to someone who had catfished him.

I think we can agree the whole “chatroom” excuse is bullshit.

I think some really shady shit has gone down, like maybe someone gossiped about his victimization and then someone might have gone to the dark web to find them kind of shady shit.

We’re talking about photos that are ~8 years old with limited people who would have had them or even known about them.

Shitshow 1 made up the origin of those pics for a reason.

Chica Shitshow…you have some explaining to do.

I say this with utmost seriousness, sincerity, and the deepest belief that everyone deserves to be rigorously and genuinely defended in court…you need a lawyer.

[dietraumerei]

Weekly Writing and Reading Update

Hello, I am back from my lil weekend away which was absolutely divine, October vacations are the *best*. I just impulse-bought a pair of shoes and I have a cinnamon bun from my favorite place, life is good.

Also I have written...so much for Whumptober, and there is frankly so much still to come. I literally do not have enough time to write everything I want to, so it's gonna go into November this year, lol.

Writing

Oh lord, just scroll through my Whumptober Collection

A few notes for the coming week, and in general:

okay I really, really love posting the prompt answers as separate stories, thank you to that poster I reblogged a few weeks ago. This is so much easier and cleaner, and doesn't really take more time than adding chapters.

Lot of skip days coming up, just because there is one MONSTER GIANT story that has taken on a life of its own and which has become almost the only thing I write. I'll go back and fill in the gaps (that is, there will be 31 stories in the end, although I've remixed and reused a bunch of prompts), but this I *think* might be the week that kind of suffers the most from not getting a story a day. (Having just checked my schedule, uh, everyone gets a chance to catch up because the only thing definitely finished is for Wednesday!)

Assuming I finish the fucking thing, the giant story will be posted, probably, on Saturday. I am contemplating if I want to chop it up into chapters, and thinking yeah, probably, so at least there will be a lengthy reward for going without :)

I am having SO MUCH FUN. blorbos go cronch and then hug, truly the best storyline.

Reading

I finished Everything I Need I Get from You: How Fangirls Created the Internet as We Know It and have a lot of feelings! I think it's a really, really good book that's respectful of fans and interesting, but it focuses almost solely on One Direction fandom, and I kind of wish that was clearer from the title and the summary? Like, no shade to that being the topic, but it feels like this is being sold as kind of a universal look at online fandom, and...it kinda isn't?

(yes i'm salty there wasn't anything about snapewives, yes this was somewhat soothed by chapters dedicated to L*rr*es and B*byg*te, YES I am afraid of 1D fangirls.)

I also read Phoebe's Diary because I adore Phoebe Wahl and it was cool to read a middle-grade novel/graphic novel from her! (Most of the book is typeset, but there are lots of great little cartoons and drawings interspersed. I really, really liked it, although sometimes it's a little hard to read because a) it is very realistic which means it's like 95% about boys and boyfriends and that gets kind of old and b) it is very realistic and made me so unbelievably grateful that I never ever have to be 16 again. I would be extremely curious what a contemporary sixteen-year-old thought because it's kind of a semi-period piece (set in 2005-6) and a few bits of it sort of...haven't aged well from that period? (There's one character who I think we're meant to dislike but I love her so much because she reads aro-ace.) Anyway, I'm really glad I read it although at times it was painful, 10/10 do not miss being sixteen.

[ruiniel]

Oooo 1, 4, 12, 18, 25 for the ask?? (Also shush about your lukewarm views, I love your takes!)

Aww Hi, thank you 🖤for helping me procrastinate from writing/drawing which I want to do but also don't! And it wasn't self-deprecation on my end, I'm really okay with lukewarm! I have a mild temper and extremes tire me out generally! OK lemme see...

1)the character everyone gets wrong

HMMMM I'm an adept of 'it's canon if it works for me' so I shrug at this usually. If a take's not to my liking, I'll ignore it and move on. Everyone's valid in having an opinion.

That said.

I generally don't vibe with the 'merchant-mindset-that's-his-best-asset-and-that's who he is' HC often stamped onto Caranthir during his time in Thargelion just because "... to journey into Beleriand all the traffic of the dwarf-mines passed first through the hands of Caranthir, and thus great riches came to him." I just don't see that as being his main trait.

4)was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I block so liberally, bc I treat this as a safe space and will use all tools at my disposal to try and keep it that way. But if you're being overly confrontational over fictional characters in meta or uppity/rude on points such as 'people can ship who they want but they'll get a lesson in this and that if they don't ship X the way i ship it,' I'll be so tired I might miss the Block button the first time. I like peace and quiet. Nothing personal.

12)the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

Not sure if this means 'unpopular - usually hated for what they did in canon' or 'unpopular - not-seen-very-often-in the fandom limelight'?

I'll go with the latter. This might've changed in the meantime, not sure, I don't check the tags for safety reasons lmao. Gwindor - a dramatic flawed character with their own dramatic choices/another Angband survivor, nuff said.

18) it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

"but Morwen remained in Doriath with Niënor as guests of Thingol and Melian, and were treated with honour."

What went on during that time?

25)common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Can't think of any right now that caused an eyeroll. But as an honorable mention: the whole Elwing/kidnap family debate... won't touch that with a ten foot pole, everyone else can get their kicks.

On the Castlevania front: Gameverse fans gatekeeping and being obnoxious about the series. Relax, the series is its own thing, nothing was taken away. A reason why I also don't check and rarely use the Castlevania tag.

~~

And bit of a PS, bc lately I noticed tumblr at large still needs the reminder:

opinion: the ideas that a person or a group of people have about something or someone, which are based mainly on their feelings and beliefs, or a single idea of this type. - dictionary.cambridge.org

someone having a different opinion/disliking or being 'meh' about something you love does not invalidate your existence, doesn't mean they dislike you as a person etc. We can still love each other and have our differences, it's okay.

there's an ongoing war neighboring my country, recently we had several earthquakes where my home wobbled with me in it, and this is why getting down and personal/oh so serious about fictional worlds on the internet is something I simply find… inconsequential/don't have the energy for, because of all the you know, actual important sh- happening? What's this, Ruiniel? Perspective.

[telomeke-bbs]

Still being anonymous here. Thank you for the reblog of "An Old-ish Queer Says Things". This 70-year-old queer is familiar with the chain of western queer content, which goes back even further to films like Mädchen in Uniform (1931). Yes, the audience for BL is quite diverse.

Hi again Anonymous! Lots of gratitude for the pleasure of your company. 😊

I've attached the second part of your message in the image above, so that I can reply to both parts together. (Dunno why Tumblr limits the Ask length on PCs; if you use the Tumblr app on mobile you get to submit superlong Asks apparently. 🤷‍♂️)

If you have more to say on western queer films through history, I'd love to hear it! 😊 The difference between what was made in the past (and also allowed onscreen) from what we see now must be fascinating.

The reblogged article was really interesting too, wasn't it? (Article linked here.) It did make me think about two things especially.

The first: current generations always tend to take hard-won rights or privileges for granted, and many will blissfully ignore just how tough the battle to acquire them might have been. There is so much LGBTQ+ media freely available now that a lot of us in more progressive parts of the world seem to have collectively forgotten how sparse the offerings used to be, and how what was available then tended to be problematic. (That BL still has problematic areas is thus not an endpoint, and barring any upset it will get to a better place too.) But taking things for granted also carries the danger that freedoms we have now can also be taken away if we're not careful about protecting them. (People in the US should consider the implications of Roe v. Wade; there is talk now that LGBTQ+ rights there are next in the firing line of conservatives.)

The second: the Internet has vastly broadened the range of what we can see and consume, and I think it has greatly helped the LGBTQ+ cause by allowing everyone to see how things can be better (whether in fictional media that presents the LGBTQ+ experience positively, or in factual reporting from countries that have made greater progress on LGBTQ+ issues). This allows LGBTQ+ people everywhere to dream of a better world, and encourages efforts toward creating that world. But the Internet's reach and borderless reporting also highlights the disparity between different populations and how their LGBTQ+ people are treated – and in the overall scheme of things there is still so much more to be done. It's important to demand quality and positivity in the media we consume, and always to move forward, but at the same time we have to be conscious that many other parts of the world are still lagging so far behind on the LGBTQ+ journey. It's mindboggling to me that in the 21st century there are still locations on Earth where you can be killed for just being LGBTQ+ (or for even just being suspected that you're queer). So in places where things aren't that dire (or even where they are), rude comments and encouraging others to boycott media that still needs time to mature in terms of content and quality, simply come across as entitled and small-minded. It's a journey, never fully a destination, and if we stay the course BL will eventually get better (hopefully with less rancor along the way). In the meantime, its positive messaging regarding the exercise of self-agency in solidifying your own LGBTQ+ future can still function as a beacon of hope (if not a blueprint for action) to the oppressed, and because of that I always think it's worth supporting. Plus the casual BL fan/convert who's also a parent will likely transmit values of non-discriminatory openness and acceptance to their own kids as well. Not everyone needs to be a strident activist in the streets to bring about change. Sometimes a kindly BL drama winning hearts and minds in a hardened land can help to do it too.

With regard to the guitar, I can't say for sure why BBS didn't give more prominence to its story and Pran's journey to self-acceptance, but I'm willing to hazard a guess.

I think Bad Buddy was maybe a bit too ambitious in trying to tackle so many themes. There's only so much you can address in 12 episodes, and given how much there is stuffed in there already (especially when GMMTV budgets are never the roomiest, as evidenced by the heavy product placement) it's not surprising to me the treatment is a little underbaked.

It seems to me the makers of BBS felt compelled to give Pran a sub-plot about accepting his true nature and reconciling it with family, in order to provide a more wholistic LGBTQ+ message (especially since it would balance Pat's story arc about breaking free from living his life according to parental dictates). And they chose to make it about Pran denying his musical soul, as an allegory for the LGBTQ+ experience, with the guitar as the tangible target for his mom's hostility.

Now Pat's sub-plot was an indispensable part in telling the story of the animosity between Ming and Dissaya. (Ming was using his son to relive his own competition with her, to try and outshine her in one last attempt – "My son can do better than your son".) Ming and Dissaya's enmity was also the main reason that Pat and Pran were forced to be apart (over and above their friendgroup and faculty enmity). So the tale of Pat discovering his own authentic self – someone who didn't have to "hate" Pran in an unnatural proxy-life – got to be told even as it helped to shed light on the Jindapat-Siridechawat antipathy that was the greatest obstacle to their couplehood.

"I had to hate Pran, to compete against him, because of you? That’s the reason?"

And Pat's story arc also served neatly as another allegory for the LGBTQ+ experience of performative falsehood to please others.

However, Pran's side-story feels a little extraneous, partly because it's a duplicate of something already put forward by the narrative. Dissaya raised him with a lot of restrictions and instilled in him a fearfulness of the "Big Bad" outside (sniper eyes on Ming here); because of that he turned out emotionally repressed and hiding in many ways from the big, bad "Outside" as well.

Dissaya's rejection of Pran's guitar and his music-making also caused Pran to repress himself, but it was a musical repression, not an emotional one. The reason for her doing so also feels tenuous, since it's only because music-making happened to be a bridge to the Jindapats (and not even Ming himself directly) that it got blacklisted by her.

Pran's journey to accepting his musicality also follows its own route and is quite separate from the main storyline about how Pat and Pran overcome the opposition around them to establish their romantic partnership, since it wasn't really needed to explain or support anything on that narrative.

The makers of BBS could have removed the sub-plot about the guitar and Pran's self-denial about his musical soul, and the story of his emotional healing from Dissaya's strict hand in raising him would still be valid. (This was depicted in the story arc that commenced in Ep.6, when Pran reconsidered his rejection of Pat's love, that had been brought about by excessive introspection and overthinking of The Kiss in Ep.5. And his journey to stop repressing his feelings I think concluded with Pran casting aside his fears and striding confidently forward to meet Pat during their engagement/wedding on the Archi steps in Ep.10. I would rather it had concluded with his awakening at the beach in Ep.11 though, as that would have drawn his forgiveness of Dissaya into the mix.)

But on a thematic level that would have left BBS without as vivid an allegory as the guitar side-story, about an LGBTQ+ young person trying to repress their queer truth, healing from that, going on to flourish, and healing their family relationship too. So they left it in, even though it already had a parallel with the more abstract story of Pran healing his (emotional) repression through Pat's love. And then it kind of got beaten in the competition for screen time with all the other elements in BBS.

Our understanding of Pran's (musical) repression would have been clearer had they given us more backstory to justify Dissaya's disapproval of his musicality. But what we saw more of instead was Pran's emotional repression due to Dissaya's overly-firm hand shielding him from Ming and his family. It would have been more believable (to me, at least) if guitar-playing and/or music-making were shown more explicitly to have been the main activities that Pat and Pran were naturally drawn to and were bonding over, which would better explain Dissaya's aversion for the guitar and musicality in general. There are signs that this was being addressed, but they probably ran out of time in trying to develop this to a degree that was enough to anchor the allegory more firmly in the mind.

For example, Pat and Pran compete as rivals in rugby first, but then they move on to collaborate as friends/lovers while working on the Archi musical. In Ep.1 they have a drum/guitar face-off, trying to find some kind of rhythm and flow together, even as they try to figure out what their relationship is after Pran's exile. Pat salvages and returns Pran his guitar. They make an excited trip to the music shop together (though a second one cheerfully suggested by Pat outside LogTech is vetoed by Pran, and of course they have that awkward encounter there that triggers Pat's awakening). Pat obviously loves hearing Pran sing and play his guitar, begging him to do so when they revisit their old high school and also at the beach. And just as Pran's guitar draws Pat to him in Ep.12 [4/4], Pat's ranat ek draws Pran back to him in Ep.8 [4/4].

So there are many examples of Pat and Pran interacting because of music, but BBS stops short of presenting it as the main driver of their closeness (and thus it doesn't feel enough to justify Dissaya's ban on Pran's guitar). It's also not the only plot point that needs elaboration and resolution, and this idea of music as something that binds them together gets lost among the rugby drama, wontons and khanom jeep, bus-stop budgets and building, friend group fights, Wai's rehabilitation, InkPa's sweet lesbian love story, Ming and Dissaya's own conflict, Pat recovering from a gunshot wound and so much more.

Meanwhile, all we have to go on for Dissaya's musical disdain is the one time she caught Pran collaborating with Pat in high school during the Christmas song contest, and Pran alluding to it in Ep.6 when conferring the guitar to Wai's keeping.

"I don’t get it. How come your mom hates guitar so much?"/"It isn’t just about the guitar."

The elements are there, but they probably needed more time to be satisfyingly incorporated (plus more screentime to land with believable resonance), and this was the one cat that kind of got away while Director Backaof was herding all the rest.

As with any act of creation, it’s only after you've substantially completed your work that you can take a step back and see if the (almost) finished product meets with expectations. The problem with filming series on tight budgets and deadlines is that you can't go back and film more once it's done, even if additional filming would help to fill in gaps and flesh out parts of the narrative that need more heft. I suspect this is what happened to Bad Buddy's side-story with the guitar. It's got a great message – I just wish they hadn't rushed it out of the oven before the flavors were fully developed.

Thanks for your Ask! Always happy to chat about Bad Buddy and other things. 💖

[nancypullen]

Getting a Grip

So I told you I’d been doing a lot of thinking (did anyone smell feathers burning?) , but what I actually did was give myself a good talking to.  I needed it.  I started this blog in 2008 and to used to be such a fun, positive, entertaining space.  I was really proud that my itty bitty corner of the internet was sunshine and cookies.  I always hoped that by sharing my silliness I was skipping through the world with a basket of smiles and handing them out to whoever needed them.  Then.....menopause and Trump came into my life.  I feel like I’ve been ticked off since 2016.  I spent years firing off letters to elected officials, composing nasty tweets to answer the crazy MAGA crowd, and watching people I know happily and willingly fall victim to liars and grifters.   While our country was burning my hormones were playing dodge ball - BAM! You’re hot! BAM! You’re freezing. Bam! Everything irritates you! BAM! You love everyone!  I’ve never been one who suffered from mood swings, never suffered much of anything really.  And if I did, I could see the humor in it and give it a positive spin.  I was and am generally a happy person.  I was dealing with all of it....then the pandemic hit.  Good grief. What we thought might last a month or two lingered and lingered.  Vacations were canceled, we were all isolated, and far, far worse - we lost friends and family to an awful virus.  The same people who fell in with the grifter-in-chief decided that the medical community was one big conspiracy factory and refused to stay home, refused to mask, refused to get vaccinated, and numbers kept soaring.  Thank goodness we now have proven treatments, more people are vaccinated (no, it doesn’t prevent COVID, but like your flu shot can prevent a severe case and hopefully keep you out of the hospital), and there might be a light at the end of the tunnel...someday.  So, country on fire, hormones all over the place, pandemic - hey, we should sell our house.   OHMYGAWD. I’d been the one making noise about moving for years. YEARS. Then suddenly the mister decides NOW is the time, and in the blink of an eye we were closing the door to our Mt. Juliet house for the last time.  We moved and I have been unsettled ever since.  I started feeling guilty because I wasn’t happy here. After all, it was me that wanted to leave Tennessee. But we didn’t move to the prairie, or to a little New England village, we moved to a part of the country where we’d spent a grand total of about four days.  We wanted our grandgirl to know us, we wanted her to have some family nearby, we wanted to see her grow up and not just get glimpses on FaceTime and brief visits.  So I still feel that we did the right thing. But I blew my life up in exchange for that.  I left behind the dearest friends of my life.  I left behind a patch of paradise that had taken me over twenty years to cultivate. Every flowering tree and shrub perfectly positioned to be enjoyed inside and out, a field behind the house that provided glorious sunsets nightly and bird song and deer visitors daily.  We won’t even talk about the conveniences we left behind. Everything from our choice of well-stocked grocery stores to my doctor, dentist, and mammogram in one building just 4 miles from home.  And can we talk about the drive to our house in Mt. Juliet?  Beautiful. Passing ponds and pastures, horses, mama cows and new calves, it was soothing.  So...you understand that I was missing the world I’d created there, and some of the stuff that I didn’t create but appreciated.   We’d spent time and money updating the Mt. Juliet house, I’m not surprised the new owners fell in love with it right away.  So it was a big pill to swallow when I saw this house and its outdated bathrooms, kitchen, etc.  Time and money will also make this house pretty, but I felt like it set us back twenty years.  Know what’ll take your mind off of that sort of thing? COVID. Yep, after two years of being careful I moved here and COVID walked right in the front door.  Three of us had it, Mickey, Matt and me. The Edgewater gang escaped it.  It wasn’t fun.  Mickey and Matt seemed to breeze through it, I had it a little rough.  I wonder if it was because I was the only one with the J&J vaccine?  Anywho, I got over it. Then I got a rebound case. Good times. I honestly didn’t feel like myself for at least another month. Fast forward to the recent surprise of a kidney stone, the removal, and all of that gross stuff and I feel that out of the eight months we’ve been here, I haven’t felt great for a big chunk of that time. So, world on fire, menopause, pandemic, big move and loss (sprinkle some guilt on top of that for feeling ungrateful), illness times two, is it any wonder that I’m not feeling like my normal, chirpy, chipper self?  Honestly, I’m proud of myself for not being behind bars.  I should add to the list that I am Mickey’s cheerleader, therapist, and jester.  When he is stressed at work, mad about work, worried about work I listen, advise, cheer him up, and just absorb all of that negativity.  I felt an enormous amount of guilt recently - after Christmas I had the grandgirl here for a few days, Matt was also here and I was busy, busy, busy keeping a four year old alive and putting three meals a day on the table for a crowd and cleaning up after a crowd. Mickey asked if I’d proofread something for work, I’ve done that plenty in the past (don’t gauge my skills by this blog). I had about three plates spinning at the time and told him to print it out for me and I’d read it at bedtime.  He did and then I forgot all about it.  Worst wife in the world. World on fire, hormones, pandemic, big move and loss, illness times two, negativity ,and guilt.  All of that came together in a perfect storm and made me (I hate to even say it) an unhappy camper.  This just isn’t me.  I don’t want to be this person!  So I’m determined to fix it. That’s what I do. I fix things and mend people.  I’ve mended myself more times than I can count, so I can do it again.  Starting today I am focusing on positives.  As far as politics, I can’t bury my head in the sand but I can roll back my emotional response and still stay informed and active.  Let me share with you a quote that has helped me immensely: “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it–always.”     ~ Mahatma Gandhi It’s true.  I can’t change the minds of crazy people or keep people from lying, but I can continue to champion for good.  This house isn’t perfect, but oh, it is filled with love and laughter. How lucky am I? I will always miss my friends, but aren’t we fortunate that we can email, FaceTime, and even squeeze in visits?  It wasn’t always that easy. I plan to get more involved with the thriving art community here and hopefully meet some lovely people. I will always miss my peaceful patch on Olivia Court.  We don’t have deer grazing in our backyard, but we do have a little girl who refers to her blow-up pool in our yard as Mermaid Lagoon.  I can create a beautiful sanctuary here - it’s just going to take a lot of work. As for illness, I’m a firm believer that stress and sorrow can make us sick.  I’ve let the last few years wear me down and I intend to remedy that.  Maybe part of it is age - though I didn’t think 59 qualified as decrepit.  I am tired, but I think a morning walk every day in Martinak State Park will revive me.  It will do double duty, providing exercise as well as the nature and bird song I’ve been missing. I’m tossing out the guilt because we’re allowed to feel the way we feel.  I’m not perfect and I don’t know a single perfect person.  I know myself well enough to know that I will conquer this glum feeling. I’m unsinkable. This time next year I’ll check the archives of this blog and say, “See? You made it!” If you’ve made it this far in my public pity party, give yourself a cookie. This has been my long-winded and scattered attempt at an explanation and an apology for the lack of fun content here. Feel free to click on the archives tab and choose any year and month for more entertaining reading.  I’m turning the corner on the final lap of this wild ride.  I’m asking the universe to throw me a bone. I am remembering to be deeply, deeply grateful for everything that is making my life beautiful and letting go of what isn’t.  2023 is a year for blooming.

Thanks for letting me purge. I’ll be back tomorrow to post pics from my walk at the park (pretty state park that’s just over two miles from the house) and that chicken soup recipe that I promised weeks ago. Sending out loads of love tonight. Grab some if you need it. Stay safe, stay well, be good to yourself.

Nancy

[rain-drafts]

The taste of Benadryl on my tongue is bitter. I realized too late that I don't like this course. I'm bitter. Now, I do feel lost with what to do with this realization. I know I have nowhere to go but through. Finish it. Fuck. Would I be happier if I did something I like? I'm not sure. Doing something because of commitment takes the joy out of it. This semester and onward, I'll only have my major courses. Two things: 1) I don't really enjoy them, 2) I'm not comfortable around my classmates. It was my biggest mistake to not socialize with them. I'm two years too late. Onward, I'm sure we'll have a lot of group projects. I just hope it's never a choose your own. Please. I hope the professors are sensitive enough that some of us don't have friends here :) Maybe it's my fault. Here I am again, with that thinking. Always the victim. Yeah, ok. I do recognize my socializing capabilities is laughable. But I'm really trying ok. To overcome myself. No matter what reddit post I read, video I watch, advice I hear--I just can't apply it in real life. I've been to therapy for this reason. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been going well. The problem is what keeps me from reaching help and implementing changes. Makes sense.

I asked ChatGPT to generate introspective questions...cringe but whatever

Why do you think you initially chose this course, and what changed to make you realize you don't like it now? What emotions are you experiencing when you think about finishing the course? Are they more related to fear, resentment, or something else?

I chose this course when I was 19. I really thought about it. I searched the internet and talked to different people. Of course, I couldn't decide on an answer since I didn't have much life experience. My only experience close to working is when I did a summer internship in high school. It was on GIS. I also didn't choose to internship there because I wanted to. I just didn't have anything else I liked. So, yeah. We were shown what one can do with GIS. I thought it was cool since it was about computers and I thought I liked working away from people. In all my college applications, I put different courses.

So, yeah, I thought this course would make me do that. Bachelor of science in geography. Science. It's in the name. I thought we would be doing that. Wrong. The course is still under CSSP. It's a social science. I'm frustrated with how vague it is. I could careless about the social aspect of it. Minamaliit ko lang ba yung kayang gawin ng major ko? Maybe. My biggest concern is just that, is it employable? I didn't just come here to study. I'm in college because apparently that makes you an acceptable member of society. You need it for jobs. Jobs=money. I don't want to open a business. That's too hands on. That'll take so much of my time.

I feel that I might regret this choice when I graduate. I don't know what to do to not regret it. I don't even want to apply internships or hold org positions because I don't like what they do.

What are the specific challenges you face in socializing with your classmates? How do you think those challenges could be addressed?

What do you feel is holding you back from connecting with your classmates? Is it fear, discomfort, or something else?

How do you usually feel after a social interaction, whether positive or negative? What do those feelings tell you?

Questions about Self-Perception and Growth:

How do you perceive your own socializing capabilities, and how might those perceptions influence your actions?

What small steps have you taken to try to overcome your social challenges? Have any of them brought about even a slight improvement?

How can you acknowledge your efforts and progress, even if they seem small? What might self-compassion look like in this situation?

[shhhhhiminsidesaitamascloset]

what i wish someone told me about the internet in general regarding making friends passed 2010:

- Dont force things on people selfishly. Dont expect everyone to like or accept all of you. Hold dearly to the people who stick up for you and stay with you despite everything (even being "opposites"). The true gems are the ones who are ride or die but also on your level regarding similar beliefs, values, etc. Dont let others convince you to go down a dark path and make you question who you are.

- Dont get close to people who trash on your religion, beliefs, values. Or trash things you enjoy. Dont befriend people who are negative all the time and their self deprication is so concerning you'd have to ask if they need a therapist, God, or both. Not everyone that gravitates to you is for you. and if your beliefs change overtime dont be afraid to part ways with people from that past.

- Be accepting to burn bridges when your boundaries are being disrespected and they have little to no respect to how you feel. Dont perpetuate cycles that set you up for disappointments and depression. We all had that one dad who went to the store to get milk and never came back. And some of us have attachment issues that went unchecked for years because of that. Just block that inconsistent person you call friend and move on.

- When you block or part ways with someone do it with a forgiving heart. Even if everything hasnt been explained and youre hurting, make sure you never part ways with someone on a bad note. It'll follow you to the next person you might need to burn bridges with and can develop into an untreated attachment issue.

Just make yourself forgive them even if they wronged you because when youre not able to forgive it has a lasting effect on you and youre carrying unnecessary baggage from that encounter. its true for online and irl. next time youre in an internet argument with some prick or having issues with a so-called "friend" dont take it personal. yes its the internet. but they are also people behind that screen too. but also learn do what you gotta do for yourself.

-Make sure you dont take what the other person says or does personally during this time . Maybe yall meet again on good terms and become buddies again or better than before. But also accept if theyre gone, they will probably be gone for good. You cant mend all bridges. And you cant accept that all will come back to you. But know that its apart of life and its neither good nor bad when you have to let people go. It just is and mostly for your benefit and happiness in the end. especially if something like hacking, doxxing, or stalking happens. if you are christian, let God handle it. if you believe in karma trust that theyre bad deeds go unpunished. Dont make those things get to you and make you feel worse.

- take any and every information you get with a grain of salt. dont be quick to cancel and drop things because some random person on the internet says so. especially when the benefits outweigh the odds, or the think piece is based on personal bias rather than actual concerns of society. dont be fooled by fancy words (i wasnt) not every person that speaks for the cause is for the cause.

grifters exist. and nowadays its all a popularity contest. and not every leftist and feminist is your friend or ally or speaks for equality, equity, and human rights. and maybe there are somethings you dont agree with. stay away from the hive mind. think for yourself. if your values and beliefs change you are not a "traitor". Be discerning of anything and everything you see and hear and come to your own conclusion of how you feel about it.

- there are alot of scary things on the internet just like it is in life. i been knew this and for years i never let things like cybersecurity risks and doxxing get to me. because it can and will happen somehow some way. like your nudes being leaked. something you said at a younger age being taken completely out of context. and nobody cares if youre mentally ill or disabled with no guidance. if its meme-able or lolcw worthy the internet will make sure you remember that moment for the rest ot your life.

but something someone told me that made this specific thing less daunting to me. people will talk about you for the rest of your life. and these things i also mentioned are a harsh reality we have to accept. doesnt mean we cant set up precautions to prevent it. But it also doesnt mean we shouldnt use the internet. thats the same logic as saying we cant go outside because a million things could happen if we do. be aware but dont be scared

- if youre young, mentally disabled, suffer from mental illness, or havent been on the internet long enough to know things. please tell your parents, guardians, caregivers, etc who you are talking to. You can choose to not say anything. but if someone is asking you for money, asking for nudes and sexual favors, or is trying to get you to come meet them somewhere way too soon and you have no idea who they are irl, please tell them!

Also try to use discernment and know when someone is out to harm you or just dont do meetups at all if you dont know them like that. if youre in danger, reach out if possible! Make sure you get help locally before branching out to random people from another state. Be careful, be weary, and if you can talk to your parents about the people you speak to online.

-be patient and dont worry about likes, comments, and interactions. dont try to monetize or get popular with something that brings you joy and happiness. because depending on popularity and interactions will only kill your love and passion for that thing. itll probably take decades or a few years for things to go the way you want. just keep posting like youre talking to a wall and someone will eventually see it.

i think that's all i got. Also MINORS (Includes 17 and under). DO NOT POST NSFW OR NUDES ONLINE! its illegal! Anybody who has that content you put out there w/o knowing your age can get in trouble! So please dont be dumb.

i hope all i said was beneficial. ill add at least three tags and edit this later. stay blessed and drink plenty water. ily ✌️❤️🙏

also if someone says you should make adult content or do onlyfans: DONT!!

they only want free stuff from you and dont care about you all that much. from experience. ✌️