#also i was just incredibly lonely and she was There
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FLOWER MASTER.
Finally decided on giving yuuka her own.. yoku yukihime-ified design, just like junko and yukari have... it only felt fair! those three are my kinnie characters. all three of em. can you tell im Terrible?
Anyway i love the bit from pofv that talks about how she likes to be where ever the flowers are. so she travels around gensokyo alot! lives in different places.
I gave her a clawed gardening glove, the idea being she does digging and harder work with that and uses her gentle hands for taking care of the plant. also to symbolize the dichotomy between her jovial, jokey side and her Ruthless powerful side.
my hcs for yuuka involve her having been quite the Wild one when she was younger, back in pc98 when she was just engaging in violence for fun, she has mellowed out as she got older and typically prefers a quiet, undisturbed life.
On the surface shes Incredibly scary. but shes quite a gentle soul with an appreciation for the little things. she ends up comparing everyone to flowers.
She feels rather lonely sometimes, because of her scary appearance and the lingering stories of her past escapades, not many people stick around to talk with her, combined as well that my hc yuuka has a deep, raspy voice. it makes her sound alot scarier. Because of all this though, she wishes to mitigate her fear inducing appearance, so she rarely talks.. unless its to threaten someone, or around people who she knows are Not afraid of her (reimu and mima for example.)
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"If I buy a car, will you take me on late night drives?" - Part 1
Jake Sim x Fem!Reader. Where 2 neighbors befriend one another because of his dog, and she doesn't have any friends.
TW: Isolation(?), mentions of being a lone(r), mentions of parent death
Jake liked to think of himself as a disciplined man. When he had a goal and set his mind to it, nothing could stray him and he always managed to achieve it. He came from a good home, good family, he had good friends, and attended University and has a good job. He works hard. He worked incredibly hard to get the nice studio loft he had been dreaming of since he saw it. The location was perfect, near his University and by the College of Engineering where he was doing his internship. He was on cloud 9.
When he moved in he loved how quiet things were. The first week of moving in he wondered if he had a neighbor across the way or if the place was vacant and that's what made it so quiet. He figured that's what it had to be and every time he took his dog, Layla, out for a walk he would look at the door across the way and have this odd feeling that he wasn't alone. Because he wasn't. One day, he came home later than usual and he heard the faint noise of music playing. He was familiar with the sound, it was “Cry” by Cigarettes After Sex which so happened to be one of his favorite artists. He stood outside his door just listening to the song, until suddenly the door across the hall swung open and one of the most beautiful people he had ever laid eyes on stood in front of him.
She had a trash bag in her hands, her hair was tied up, glasses framed her face, and she was in a pink overalls and a white tank top. Her whole being was covered in paint. She stared at him before shrugging and walking to the trash shoot to dump her trash. Jake snapped out of his zone, amazed he did indeed have a neighbor he finally confirmed after being there for a month, he just had to get her name.
“So there IS someone that lives across from me,” he smiled.
“You talking to me?” she asked, stunned as she stopped in her tracks and looked around.
“Well, we are the only 2 people here. I'm Jake, it's nice to meet you,” He held out his hand.
“Y/N. See ya!” And with that she waved goodbye and quickly went back inside and closed her door.
Jake was left speechless. Did he do something wrong? Is she afraid of him? Maybe she just needs to warm up to him. He couldn't help but have her on his mind, and for the rest of the night she was flooding his mind. When he laid down to go to bed, he stared up at his ceiling with his neighbor across the way still on his mind.
He didn't see her for another 2 weeks after that. He was so curious about her. Who was she? What did she do? Did she go to school? One thing he assumed was that she liked art or was an artist given she was literally covered in paint. One day, he opened his door to take Layla for a walk when he ran into her coming home. She had a duffel bag on her and Layla got out of his grip and ran straight to her.
“Layla, no!” He ran after his dog. Layla, was fine as his neighbor, knelt down on the floor petting the white creature.
“Layla, I think he's talking to you,” He heard her say. “It’s okay, I don't like to listen either.”
“I'm sorry about her, she gets excited especially with new people,” he explained as he grabbed Layla’s leash.
“Hm. I love dogs, so you can stay I guess,” She stood up not taking her eyes off Layla. Jake tilted his head, finding it a bit odd but moved on.
“Ah, thank you for the approval,” He jokes.
“Really, thank your dog, she can stay, you're just a plus one. See ya around!” She waved before opening her door and closing it in his face. Did his dog just one up him with the pretty neighbor?
To Jake, it didn't seem like you were scared to speak to him, but you avoided him it seemed like. He also noticed how he almost disappeared when Layla was around, your attention fully on her and her only. This became a habit. Every so often Layla would escape and run to your door scratching or barking until you opened it. You would open the door and let her in only to close it in his face and not open it. The first time it happened Jake was mad, he thought you kidnapped his dog.
“You can't just take someone's dog without permission! How do I know you're not going to harm her?” He voiced.
“Oh, I would never do that! We had some things to discuss. She's welcome anytime!” You smiled, finally reaching his eyes before going your way.
He got used to the way you were around him. He would let Layla go as it seemed she truly enjoyed your company and you hers. She was never harmed and always seemed to be around no more than 10 minutes at most. He would wait until you opened the door and you would be in a full conversation with the dog as if you two were actually speaking to one another.
“You know, some people might think you're crazy for talking to a dog,” He had his arms across his chest.
“What do you mean a dog? Layla’s not a dog, she's a friend,” Again, you left Jake laughing at your words. Your mind stunned him.
There wasn't anything wrong with you, you just didn't have many friends and you lived a very isolated lifestyle with just you and your cats. You prefer the company of animals more to the company of people. After 4 months of this going on, you started talking to Jake more too. He wasn't so bad and he always seemed to try and stay on your good side which you appreciated. You didn't understand why he tried so hard, but he started understanding your language more and so I guess he was a nice neighbor. Then one night, everything changed for him and for you.
He came home late. It was actually very late but he got stuck with things at the University and so he was forced to stay longer. When he got home the moon was bright and the hall was dark. He was so focused on getting to Layla to check on her he almost missed your form leaning up against the windowsill at the end of the hall. When he opened his door, Layla immediately ran out and ran straight to you. It's like she knew something was wrong and when he approached you the tears down your face really struck a chord in his heart.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” He asked quietly, not wanting to disturb you.
“It's just SO sad! Isn't it sad, Layla?” You turned to the dog before crying again. He then realized your slurred words and concluded you were drunk.
“What’s sad?” He knelt down to your level, not once leaving your side.
“I don't have anyone to go on late night drives with,” you admitted.
“Late night drives? You want to go on a late night drive?” He frowned, feeling confused but also wanted to understand more of what goes on in your head.
“I want to go on late night drives, but I have no one to take me,” You hiccuped clutching your cheeks in your hands.
“Well, I'll go with you,” He offered and your face perked up.
“You will!?! C-can you drive?” You asked him and he nodded.
“Yes, I have my license,” he chuckled. “My only problem is I don't have a car. I never needed one.”
“Oh no, that's not going to work. If I buy a car will you take me on late night drives?” You asked.
“Buy a car? You want to buy a car just to go on late night drives?” His eyebrows raised in disbelief.
“Yes, yes I will. I want to go on late night drives, it's my dream,” you cried again leaning your head on his shoulder as he started comforting you.
“Well,” he cleared his throat. “If you buy a car, I'll take you on late night drives.”
And that's how it started. It was 4 nights later and Jake hadn't seen or heard from you so he assumed you were too drunk to remember. That was, until he heard a knock on his door at 10:30 PM at night, currently a Thursday and he was just about to go to bed. He opened his door to a very excited you. You were dressed in jeans with a black leather jacket and white tank underneath. Your hair was down and you looked awake and ready for something.
“Oh, this is a cute look! It's time to go,” You held up a key, not just any key: a car key.
Jake's mouth dropped, he was in the middle of brushing his teeth and he couldn't believe you were here in his presence being serious.
He ushered you to come inside as he quickly went to clean up his face and rinse his mouth. You took a look in his apartment and noticed how clean it was, neatly decorated and it smelled like cedarwood and grass. Layla came running to you and you quickly embraced her, giving her hugs and pets. You and Jake seemed to be the opposite but you didn't mind.
“You were ACTUALLY serious?” He asked you.
“I'm always serious, I never lie,” You said.
“You ACTUALLY bought a car? Who are you? You're like this...this person I can't figure out,” He was in such disbelief, he really could not understand you.
“Well, I'm Y/N. I got a large inheritance after my parents died and I just bought a car, now let's go!” You hopped up in excitement. “You told me you would take me on a late night drives.”
Jake felt sad. He didn't know your life story or who you actually were but sharing little details here and there just made him want to embrace you even more. You were such an enigma to him, and now he was afraid that if he poked too much you would run away.
“Okay, I did yeah. Let me get changed and we can go.”
And so that's how it started. Almost every night for 3 weeks straight you would come to him and say you wanted to go for a drive and he would take you. He learned you had your license but you hated driving. You prefer to be driven around and he didn't blame you. You don't go out much and he learned you have an Estate that you look after that's outside the city. He also learned you were indeed an artist and sold paintings to your parents wealthy elite friends and made a good living from that.
“Can I ask you something?” Jake spoke up.
It was a Saturday night, almost 3 AM and you and Jake were out strolling around the City.
“Whats up?” You looked over at him, giving him your attention.
“Where are your friends?” He asked.
“I don't have any friends,” You said.
“What do you mean? Like…at all?” He frowned.
“Well, if you count the people at my family's estate then they're all there. That's where they are,” You shrugged. “My butler I grew up with, he's more like an Uncle now.”
“You didn't have any friends at school?” He asked.
“I didn't go to school, I was tutored at home,” You said. “Well, you're my friend too, right?”
“Yeah, I guess I am,” He smiled looking over at you.
“Then you're right here. Here is where my friend is,” You smiled at him. “Oh, I miss Layla.”
Of course, Layla.
#kpop multistan#enhypen scenarios#kpop writers#enhypen#kpop smau#kpop fanfic#sim jaeyun#jake drabble#jake sim
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realising i may be in love with my high school best friend and that's why my college relationship failed bc ive never felt that intensity of love for anyone else uh oh
#i broke up with my gf bc she was more invested than me#and now im realising that i didn't love her in the entire ~2 years we dated#and the whole time i think i was using her as a way to desperately desperately get over feelings for my hs friend#uh oh#i have made bad love decisions#also i was just incredibly lonely and she was There#im a bad person#fuck#aisha.txt#college tag#hs tag
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au where this was how ik and diavolo met for the first time when she was like seven
#obey me#art#they're reading 'the nine lives of montezuma' by michael morpugo by the way#it's about a cat called montezuma and it ends sadly. ik knows this because she's read it already but she wants to see if demons can cry#there's also very devout christian little girl later in the book and i just find the idea of diavolo encountering that character funny#obey me diavolo#jtta ik#slams hands on table how the HELL do you draw ROOMS!!!!!!#peep the incredibly thin lego house. that's all they could find enough bricks to build#also if you zoom in on the piece of paper (and turn it upside down) there's someone else making a little cameo#is it easy enough to tell who it is?? who knows#anyway yeah diavolo drew lucifer and ik drew herself and her dad (you can see zhao's glasses on one of the little figures)#when zhao gets home he sees the massive demon and passes out immediately#i think he and diavolo would make good friends actually. diavolo is the supportive ayi to his single fatherhood#one day dia's like 'man that guy's lonely so he sits him down like 'you know zhao i have a friend who might be your type'#infernal friends au
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what if we were both lonely
#oc#marolyne castelle#princess mom#moonlight#moonmary#can i. make up canon ship names for my ocs. can i do it for fun. please#what if we were both lonely and i was a woman and you were an infinetly expanding shadowy mass; an eldritch being#i cant believe theyre a thing but theu are. in some sense. not only because its incredibly fun concept but also because#it also works really well for the story. and it just hapoened to work out thag way#im giving mary a lot more love in these new plot ideas im having ...#shes more nuanced. less “evil queen neglectful parent”#ill talk about my new ideas sometime when i get the chance#ive been rewriting gidget too... ive realized i think her character was going in a direction i dodmt want it to#ill tell you all about it sometimes#*sometime
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I love the idea of it being maybe a couple of days after the Captain has died, and he has gotten over the intense initial shock of being dead and the subsequent freak out that follows it, and he has reverted back to just being ‘the Captain’ and trying to make some order of his existence and keep himself busy, and presenting himself to the other ghosts as a ranking officer and their leader, and he has a little speech, and one of the ghosts makes a remark about some weird or wacky thing that they did or do, or suggests something unusual, and Cap is immediately horrified and just exclaims ‘but that’s not proper behaviour!’, and all the other ghosts just scoff a bit or kind of ignore him, but Fanny gives an approving noise and says ‘quite right, Captain!’, and basically them just becoming quite close quite quickly due to their love of rules and order and ‘proper’ behaviour.
Just Fanny finally finding another ghost who understands her and agrees with her and her constant adherence to the strict rules she was forced to follow when she was alive, and the Captain finding in Fanny a person who understands and appreciates his need to maintain his status as Captain and find a sense of order within the madness.
#cat.txt#bbc ghosts#i just think that fanny must’ve been so lonely for so many years - both when she was alive but also in death with no one similar to her for#company and I love the idea of Fanny and Cap just both seeing a part of themselves in each other and having a sense of subconscious pity#because they know the rigid societal pressures and fears that shape a person to be like them but this understanding is never acknowledged#(because they are so repressed - they barely even acknowledge the understanding even within themselves) and so they both find a deep#connection between each other but also their own behaviours end up encouraging each other to maintain the repressive habits that were so#deeply ingrained into them during life even if those behaviours aren’t healthy#like obviously they are both very different characters but the societies they both lived in were incredibly repressed and there were strict#societal rules that were ingrained into them due to an aspect of their identities - for Fanny it was her gender and for Cap it was his#sexuality - and i just think their friendship is so interesting because of how similar but also different they are#i feel like this deserves another post that is more analytical and not just headcanon-y but i am thinking about the so much tonight#bbc ghosts the captain#bbc ghosts fanny#cap my beloved#fanny my beloved
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Remember when I wondered if Shuu cooked human gourmet meals just to pretend to be normal for a bit? Consider: he makes gourmet meals but for his pets. Like his horses be eating good. His fish have like, fancy bloodworms and that. Iykwim.
Also. If he considers Hori a ‘pet’, maybe he makes her nice cheesecakes or whatever? Like Shuu seems to be someone who gives gifts bc he doesn’t know how to express love verbally (like he says flowers are a source of happiness and gives them to Kaneki and Hinami frequently), so maybe that’s how he expresses fondness of her.
#this feels a little happier than him just cooking food to look at it.#also incredibly disordered bless his heart.#gunk#i feel like i have difficulties with hori and Shuu’s friendship#like i project but. it reminds me of me and every friend I’ve had.#where 1 person (me) is very lonely and deeply saddened by it. so they act very clingy#and it’s sort of not reciprocated by the other person (who is probs more comfy with loneliness or simply not as unstable.)#it just brings up a bad thing#i know hori and shuu are good friends#like im just saying i didn’t feel like hori was depicted as much as man active participant#she’s not as affectionate#she saves Shuu’s life. we know she loves and cares for him#but she feels distant#i think it’s kind of a writing thing but also im like. Steph ur just projecting lmao#shuucore#tg gunk
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So I'm an RTD girlie who gave up on doctor who somewhere in the moffat era before chibnall even took over and so I've missed all of thirteen's tenure. I don't have it in me to watch all of her seasons at this moment in time but I LOVE Jodie and your gifs look so compelling.
Would you be able to recommend your top 5 episodes with 13 or something so I can rectify the error of my ways, at least a little bit?
Hmmmmmmm I would say that for a complete Thirteen novice you should watch:
The Woman Who Fell to Earth
It Takes You Away
Spyfall pts 1 & 2
The Haunting of Villa Diodati
And probably Fugitive of the Judoon and The Timeless Children just because those are very important series lore episodes that are important to watch even if you very much disagree with most of the choices that Chibnall made
Also probably The Power of the Doctor so you can watch Thirteen's full regeneration episode (and Jacob Anderson <3)
#questionbell#anonymous#i will also admit this openly: the gifs I'm reblogging look compelling because I'm very selectively cherry picking#the best part of each episode to amplify#i love jodie and i love thirteen so much but god are some of her episodes dull#chibnall had no idea what to do with her and the companions offer absolutely nothing#and i mean it. i do say this with love but jodie/thirteen could've been INCREDIBLE if she'd had anything good to work with#which is why she shines when she's up against sacha as the master#he gives her something to bounce off and play with whereas yaz just gawks at her like a bug under a microscope#but i do think the biggest issue is that there are just too many characters in each episode#villa diodati has like 10 characters in it which is far too many to successfully do anything with#because you can't further yaz's storyline while also making us care about shelley and the lone cyberman and the cyberium all in 50 minutes#and that's where i think the chib era suffered the most#it tried to do too much and in doing so accomplished nothing at all#anyway i do genuinely like these few episodes so you should very much check them out and form your own opinion#just don't watch rosa or orphan 55
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Hehehe >:3 got a kissie and some headpats from a pretty girl >:3 muahahahahahaha >:3
#sorenhoots#sometimes i remember that i am living the life that i ached for during lonely years#like i just get to wake up and live my gay little life??? kinda fucking awesome even if many other parts of life are very stressful#im so glad i met my wife who loves me for who i am 🥰🥰🥰🥰 and 😈😈😈 heheh then i met my other partner???? like. i thought my wife made me#the happiest i would ever be and then WOOSH i met ANOTHER person who makes me incredibly happy? i did not know the happiness could DOUBLE.#i figured it was like 0%-100% and my wife made me like 100% of my capacity for happiness and then its like 200% now and im realizing that my#capacity to experience joy and peace isnt static and frankly probably increases steadily over a lifetime as i grow and change and learn to#appreciate things more. anyways im in a content happy lil gay mood this morning :3#my partner got to visit us recently to help us get emotionally ready for some stressful stuff but now the most stressful parts are done and#now that the stress is fading i am finding so much happiness has been in my chest waiting to burst! it was sooo good to see my partner hehe#and the situation is even cuter because my wifes partner also came to visit and my wifes partner is my partners wife also so like. adorable#symmetry. my partner and my wifes partner have another partner and if you draw out a little diagram of us you will see it is shaped like a#house :3 a square with a triangle on top :3 hehe metamours everywhere :3 super super super wonderful metamours. its literally almost like a#fairy tale to have a polycule??? like?? im so excited to live somewhere that isnt like 9 hours from them. oh my god they also have a cat and#shes the cutest. me and my wife have a cute cat also and we are like 👀👀👀 tenatively anticipating that they will get along 👀👀👀 ive#specifically worked with my cat to help her know how to behave around other cats. my neighbor is retired and does TNR on the local strays#and they get attached to her and hang out in her backyard or her house lol like one snuck in and this was before they had any cats and they#didnt know he snuck in until he hopped onto her bf's chest at night to snuggle up. and hes a big cat and if you felt him drop onto your#chest in the pitch black of night you might absolutely mistake him for a racooon or possom or some other beast. anyways he sneaks into all#the houses down the street apparently and is just kinda like “the retired people down the street”'s cat lol. and daisy would hiss and yowl#out the window at him but i always tried to show her that he is friendly (and give her treats to attempt to tell her 'he isnt a threat. have#a snack. see? if he was a threat then we would not be having snacks.' and eventually he ran into us while i was letting her outside on her#harness and!!! i was absolutely ready to defend either of them from the t#other but they just cautiously sniffed each other and then laid down. it was fascinating to observe. daisy also responds really well yo#to meeting new people :3 though she proved me wrong by hiding from some maitenence ppl recently. but then she met my metamour and was pretty#much instantly like 'oh ok ur family? sounds gok#sounds good.' so thats cute and i hope if we end up in the same house with the other cat in the polci#polycule. well i hope they get along!!!#idk what we would do if they didnt. there are lots of other housing arrangements (like renting a duplex or next-door apartments or#something) but i want them to get along anyways :3 no matter what sort of living arragement works out best. i think theyd be good for each
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i find it rlly funny when i make a character and i’m just like. tumblr would love them. tumblr would be all over this character. why isn’t tumblr obsessed w them already. and then remember they exist only in my mind :(
#my character birthday i love birthday he’s one of my favorite characters i’ve ever made and i know he would be a hit on tumblr lmao#his name is birthday and he’s the birthday boy and it’s his birthday!#and also he’s devastatingly lonely. and lowkey got theseus’ shipped. whoops.#and also lilith. tumblr would adore lilith.#called the ghost of the wasteland and her existence is largely only rumored. was a genetic experiment to create something that#could survive the nuclear wastelands that cover the majority of her world. they succeeded but she escaped and now lives in those same#wastelands. is incredibly codependent w a very morally grey dude who was a black market test subject for poisons who escaped around the#same time as her and they ended up relying entirely on each other for survival for years and know each other better than anyone#but struggle to connect in any way that isn’t solely to keep each other alive when they’re older.#he never talks about his past and she is almost entirely nonverbal and doesn’t rlly want to find a way to tell him about hers.#she also realized after she escaped that she prefers to be referred to w she/her pronouns after her existence being viewed as#something instead of a someone and choosing that for herself is one of the first choices she ever made for herself and who she is.#and she’s only a side character in the story and mostly just haunts the narrative but yknow i should incorporate her more because#wow i love her actually. she’s dope as hell XD#dandy talks#my ocs#can’t talk more about birthday even tho i love him just as much because one of my friends has my tumblr and i’m using birthday#in a story i’m writing w my friends for fun and i don’t wanna spoil anything more than i have lmao. but yeah birthday is so cool lmao
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to expand on john + loneliness: do you realize how lonely john had to be to do everything he did For millie? their affair is left so vague but i assume it went on for quite some time, and neither of them obviously stopped loving the other, but for millie to be able to move on in some measurable ways but john not at all — the way that those moments he shared with her, his desire to be with her and sarah, to be a family, drove him not only for the rest of his life but to twist his entire established worldview (religious and moral) to fit the narrative he wanted so badly. the idea of being able to be loved and love freely was so powerful and moving for him that he was willing to sacrifice everyone and everything to get it.
#i think a lot about like#what would have happened if millie hadn't come to find john in the church after the angel got her?#would john still have that change of heart in the face of bev's tried and true manipulation?#or would he just go along with whatever she said?#i'd like to think he's good at heart and he is to some degree but he's also incredibly selfish#the fact that he was SO lonely in his existence that he'd go to ANY length just to be touched tenderly#to be loved and to love without sinning or breaking his vows or anything#to love without constraint#he literally killed and was okay with others killing if it meant he didn't have to be lonely again.#its 1 am i have thoughts sorry will delete in morning#gn <3#and for the record i think the reason his vows/priesthood/the loneliness didn't bug him at first was bc he grew up solitary and alone#so it was familiar to him and god had always been there when no one else had
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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Made the absolute mistake to start listening to the mechanisms, a band that doesn't exist anymore and seems to have like 20 fans that actually know what's going on, a lot of lore on multiple different platforms, time travel, and barely any videos so uh
I thought I'd just recommend it here cause they're basically whump, the band
#Every single album is a tragedy#There's so much violence#The characters of the band are literally all part mechanic#And not in the cyber punk oh cool body mods kinda way#In the oh you who is a Pyro maniac were framed to be a traitor so now we're burning you alive#And then someone else comes along and is like hey wanna be immortal I can give you fake lungs#Also I've been crying over Frankensteins lonely ai for an hour#Also it's incredibly queer#Pls someone listen to this I already am turning that one friend of mine I got into tma slowly insane cause she's the only one I can talk to#I can't also start torturing her w the mechanisms just bc of Jonny and A few voices that appear in both
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not having any friends is truly heartbreaking
#i have no one to confide in or just simply hang out with#there's this concert i really wanted to attend but i have no one to go with and tickets are already sold out anyways#but the point is not having friends stops me from having fun experiences#sure you could argue that i could have fun experiences by myself but it's still not the same if you can't share it with someone#i went on a solo trip this summer and while it was liberating & enjoyable it was also incredibly lonely#i also went to a festival by myself & unfortunately it was horrible bc i got nauseous & it was scary being all alone#thankfully i got back to my hotel safely in the middle of the night but i definitely would've felt better & safer if i wasn't alone#i feel like i'm missing out on a lot of things bc i don't have friends & it's just so alienating bc i think smth is fundamentally wrong..#.. with me bc i don't have a single genuine friend while others have whole friend groups#this also makes me miss my ex best friend even more & i'm contemplating reaching out to her again...#i feel like a beaten dog that always comes back around no matter how badly i was treated bc i just want some love 😔 💔#like i was the one who ended things with my ex best friend bc i was tired of being treated like a doormat & constantly having my..#.. boundaries disrespected but now i'd rather have that back then have no friends at all which is awful i know 😭#my ex best friend also isn't a bad person but she hurt me a lot & at the end when things got really bad i think we were both not good for..#each other.. but now i'm reminiscing about all the wonderful things we experienced together & i miss it so much :(#we had so many things in common we went to so many concerts together & had so much fun & now i'm all by myself all the time 😔#the thing is also she was always a social butterfly & has many friends so i doubt she even misses me#i still didn't delete her from my contacts & i recently saw she finally fulfilled her dream of going to america#i feel like she is living her best life & i'm just here being miserable & lonely nothing has really improved for me#i wouldn't even be surprised if she's going to that concert i wanted to attend bc it's one of her favorite artists as well#i just feel so unlovable and alone in this world... i wish i could restart my whole life or disappear altogether tbh#sorry for the negativity if anyone reads this i'm just really upset..#i should stop making myself even more depressed i'm supposed to be studying anyways..#and tonight i'm attending our company's christmas party i hope i'll at least have a little fun there..#☁️
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Dont know which would be worse
#having only myself to blame or being able to point fingers at my parents#sometimes i do both. i blame myself but also my parents but then i look at my sister who had the same parents#and she still has a more fullfilling social life than i do#she has her few friends but her friendships are so fulfilling she doesnt want any more#and then you have me fighting tooth and nail to meet new people#and still feel incredibly lonely most of the time#i love the friends i have but i feel alone regardless#it's like i dont have anyone to really count on. which is selfish. but i've always felt like a reserve friend#if that makes sense. like ''she'll be there regardless''. like i'm in a reserve room incase anyone should need me#i'm convinced there's something wrong with me. something i just cant manage to do right#i know i shouldnt hold on to the past but how if it affects my present#i always feel so awful when i see and hear about the concept ''friendships formed during childhood & adolescense are the most special''#and everyone i know left that phase with a best friend. and a couple good friends#and i left it feeling like i just. you know how schools are crowded places and you exit from the door and everyone goes home#i felt like while everyone was leaving with at least someone i was leaving it alone#like watching everyone walk away with each other and i'm walking out alone#like. like i was just surrounded by so many people when did it become so empty#i wish i had at least that one person with whom i have that very special bond#i feel like i have no one to really count on. no one needs me while i need someone#i'm scared of my future too like i'll remain this lonely for a long time. bc what will happen with me#when i've already lost my chance in school and uni#uni was atrocious it started with covid and all my classes were completely online the first two semesters#i somehow managed to make three friends that are very dear to me#but as i said. i'm looking for that one special connection and i think this search for it will be my demise 🤣#anyway i feel like if i continue it will get less comprehensible#nesi rants
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it’s 5am, i’ve been up for an hour because body decided it’s time for Awake and now i’m just sad about my lack of sleep
[sad rambling in tags, feel free to ignore]
#it doesn't help that i'm also generally sad#moving into my own place is fine but fuck i miss being around people#the holiday season from october to january always feels so incredibly lonely to me#lack of family + past issues i guess#this is also going to be the first year i'm truly alone for any of the holidays and i just#i don't like it#i don't even celebrate most of them but i wanted to celebrate samhain with loved ones and that's not looking like something i can do#october is usually my favorite month but this year it just feels deserted#i have a few friends locally but they're either too broke or too busy to do anything#which is fine and fair it just sucks#ugh#still have my dog at least :')#and i'm going to an oddities expo tomorrow so maybe that'll help a little#i hate waking up like this#november is also the month my mom died several years ago#we hadn't spoken in years because i couldn't handle that abuse anymore#but i still mourn the what-ifs every year regardless#what if she had stopped drinking and applied herself#because when she passed i was just starting to think maybe i could forgive and bond with her instead of be mindlessly angry#and then i was hit by the realization there will never be reconcilliation#so the fact her death anniversary is in november and her birthday was early december and the combo of that with the holiday season is hard#might delete later idk#just venting to the void
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