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horansqueen · 4 years

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You & Me : chapter 12

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.9k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i hope it sorta hit a bit? does it sting? it had to happen sorry! i cant wait to write the next chapter 😭

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i didnt add the “never have i ever” suggestions that i used but THANK YOU if you sent some, i used a few! also, i had other requests and ideas from people and i may use them a bit later, in a future chapter. actually i know when ill use them lol youll see :)

Chapter 12 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

"Shit, I don't know what to wear!" I exclaimed to myself as i put clothes in front of me, standing next to to mirror. "Horrible."

I threw the shirt away, aiming for the bed but it fell next to it and I didn't even send it a glance as I took an other one.placing it on my chest and tilting my head at my reflection. I glanced up when I saw Louis walk by and stop immediately, holding himself on the door frame with a smirk.

"Put a skirt on." he let out, making me raise my eyebrows. "It'll be easier for him to fuck you against the wall."

My eyes got smaller and I reached out for my tissue box before throwing it his way. He moved right on time and it hit the wall in a thug, making him laugh.

"Don't be so violent!" he smirked, walking in my room and leaning on the wall. "I'm just saying out loud what you think about late at night, if you know what I mean."

I turned to him, opening my eyes wide and shaking my head. I couldn't believe Louis was talking about me masturbating to the thought of my ex boyfriend like it was nothing.

"Oh my god, shut up!" I let out with a chuckle. "You're so annoying!"

"Look, I woke up and he was getting out of your room." Louis pointed out. "He spent the night with you. In your bed. Wearing nothing but BOXERS!"

"We just slept." I argued with a shrug, trying not to show him that the thought of Niall almost naked in bed with me was actually doing something to me. "I was sick, remember?"

"Yea, you were 'sick'" he repeated, pronouncing the last word louder and adding fake quotation marks with his fingers.

"I was! A few of your sushis weren't good, Lou." I explained, throwing an other shirt away and grabbing a new pair of jeans. "You know it's true, I heard you vomit in the middle of the night, too."

"That's not the point." he explained, getting suddenly a lot more serious than he normally is. "Olivia, you should break up with Dylan." I stopped dead in my track and even stopped breathing. My heart, though, was beating extremely hard against my rib cage and it's all I could hear. "Did you even think about him recently? He's not here and you don't even seem to miss him, especially not when Niall is around."

I did think about Dylan, though, but I didn't talk about my thoughts, mostly because I felt fucking guilty about almost everything that came to my mind. I felt like shit towards my boyfriend but I didn't have the guts to tell him that I was getting closer and closer to Niall. I didn't know how to tell him that spending time with Niall had been some sort of relief in my life, that being able to be around Niall again was making me generally happier, that when I was near him, I felt more alive. There was no good way to tell that to the man you were about to marry, not without hurting him.

"I love Dylan and I miss him, you know that damn well, Louis." I argued, feeling tears coming to my eyes. "But Niall is... Niall is Niall. Niall is the love of my life."

Louis uncrossed his arms and walked closer as I closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to face reality at all. I wanted to spend time with Niall and pretend I would be able to resist him the next time he'd try to kiss me. I wanted to pretend that I was going totally okay with watching Niall and Heidi get married and have kids at some point in the future while i'd do the same with Dylan. I wanted to believe I didn't have to break an incredible man’s heart because of my own disgusting selfishness... that everything was fine and that what was happening between Niall and I was perfectly normal.

"I know he is." Louis said gently, placing his hands on my upper arms from behind. "I see you two interact and it's so obvious, Olivia. The way you two connect it's... it's probably terrifying for Dylan and Heidi, you know?"

I opened my eyes and sniffed before swallowing the lump in my throat. I was not going to cry. There was no fucking way I was going to cry now and ruin my make up. We didn't connect, and we wouldn't connect on that night, I was going to make sure of it.

"Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'll prove to you and everyone else that Niall and I are only friends, you'll see."

I was mostly trying to convince myself of that but I just reached out to my wardrobe and grabbed a skirt, like Louis had proposed. I was going to have fun tonight and nothing else.

"Liv, don't be like that."

I turned to Louis and shook my head slightly.

"I'm not losing Dylan, okay? I can't. Do you know what are the chances for me to find an other man like him? Kind, sweet, smart, funny and who truly loves me? I've risked my relationship enough, don't you think?"

"So last night, when Niall joined you in your bed, you didn't feel anything?" he asked a bit harshly, raising his eyebrows at me. "I saw him take care of you when you were puking your guts out, you know?"

"You don't base a romantic relationship on lust, Louis. You should know that." I shook my head, searching my drawers for a shirt. "Niall always took care of me, since we were kids. It's nothing new. And it means nothing."

Louis stayed there, motionless and quiet as I picked my clothes and when he realized I wouldn't look at him again, he sighed.

"We're leaving in 10 minutes." he turned around and walked to the door as I swallowed my tears again. "And Liv? I love you. I want what's best for you. My opinion is just that, an opinion but... I don't think you'll ever be happy if you're not with Niall. I don't think he'll ever be happy without you either."

---

The bar was crowded but we reached a quiet spot on the second floor, in the back of the room. Everyone was arrived and I couldn't stop glancing at Niall, who ended up sitting next to me. Now that he was close, all the bullshit I had told Louis earlier didn't seem so important anymore. Nothing ever seemed more important than Niall, and it was a problem.

Louis came back with a pitcher and sat on the other side of me with Eleanor while Harry, Liam and Julie sat on the other side of the table. I didn't know where Harry's girlfriend was, or if he even was with her anymore. We had told each other we would remain friends but things change and we drifted apart. I sighed low, a bit nostalgic of that friendship before we all started drinking. I was getting drunk and from the way Niall's eyes sparkled, I felt like he was getting there, too. Or maybe it was just that I was so drunk I was starting to imagine things.

I could feel the skin of his arm brush against mine and I cleared my throat, trying to stop thinking about it before turning around to send him a smile.

"So where's your girlfriend?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Oh she'll be here soon."

I didn't expect this answer and raised my eyebrows as my lips parted. I didn't want to see her, and it was not only because we didn't get along. Most of all, I didn't want to see her all over Niall the way she had been when they invited us for dinner. Why was I so ready to prove everyone that I was able to resist my ex boyfriend but as soon as he was near, I couldn't handle myself?

"Okay, let's play a game!" Liam said, tapping the table a few times with his palm. "Truth or Dare?"

"No no, 'never have I ever'!" Louis argued, making me raise my nose up in a grimace.

These games never ended well, at least most of the time, except that one time where I decided to just kiss Harry, but a few minutes later, Niall had kissed a girl too and that was not a good ending, at least not to me.

"Okay, I found questions online!" Eleanor let out with a chuckle. "If you've done it, you take a sip, and no one lies!"

"Yea, I'll call you out if I see one of you lie!" Louis agreed, making my heart skip a beat.

I was screwed.

"Never have I ever... drunk-dialed an ex!"

I held my breath and started nibbling on my bottom lip. So many times, I had wanted to call Niall when I was drunk but every time, Louis was there to snatch the phone out of my hands. I glanced when I saw Niall drink and I wondered who he had tried to call. I had never received a phone call or a text message from him after we broke up, so I knew it was not me, and somehow, it made me jealous. He missed an ex so much that he called her... did that mean he never really missed me?

"Never have I ever... stolen someone's food!"

"Louis! You drink!" I let out, my eyebrows raised. "You always eat all my fucking left-overs!"

"What? Nah."

"He does!" Eleanor agreed with me with a chuckle, hitting him gently with her elbow.

He groaned but finally took a long sip of his beer, making me smile more.

"Okay, never have I ever... called a partner the wrong name during sex!"

I chuckled but felt my heart jump in my chest when I noticed Niall taking a long sip of his drink. We all looked at him and started laughing and he simply shrugged.

"I was drunk, I didn't know the girl's name!" he argued, laughing too.

I let my eyes roam on his face, wondering who exactly was that girl and if she had been someone he had sex with after he left me but I didn't dare to ask.

"Never have I ever.... lied to a law enforcement officer."

I laughed when I saw Louis drink and Liam started laughing, his eyebrows raised.

"Wait what? What was the lie?" he asked curiously, leaning slightly against the table.

"He lied to get out of a ticket." I replied, rolling my eyes.

"Why? Because he was going too slow?"

Everyone started laughing and Louis grimaced before flipping Liam off, making everyone laugh even more. I leaned closer to Louis and kissed his cheek gently before he wiped my kiss vigorously from his skin.

"Traitor!" he whispered as I chuckled, blowing him an other kiss.

"Never have I ever... sent nudes."

Without thinking, my eyes found Harry immediately and his did too. We stared at each other for a few seconds before our lips curled. I grabbed my drink and took a sip as he did the same, just like Julie, Liam and Louis.

"Did you send nudes to your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend, Olivia?"

I sent a mean glance at Louis and he smirked, making me know he was getting back at me for the last question.

"One time, Harry, Niall and I played 'truth or dare' and Harry asked me if I had ever taken nudes. I guess we continued that conversation a bit later and.. shared.. selfies..."

Louis' eyes got bigger and he pressed his lips together, knowing he had made things a bit awkward but finding it funny anyway. I glanced at Niall, noticing he was staring at me, and finally cleared my throat, asking El for the next question.

"Never have I ever.... hooked up with someone of the same sex or gender."

My eyes once again found Harry. I knew we were pretty much the only one who didn't want to label ourselves around the table and I brought my drink closer to him. He smiled and clinked his glass against mine before we both took a sip.

"You guys have no idea what you're missing." he let out after swallowing, making us laugh.

"Oh my god, Liv, you're gonna love this one. Never have I ever had food poisoning."

I laughed and took a sip, pushing the side of my body against Louis'. He groaned and took a sip and when I turned around, I noticed Niall frowned. I moved closer, holding my breath to make sure I wouldn't smell his incredible scent, and smiled a bit.

"Last night, Louis got sick because of his sushis, too."

I saw an emotion pass on Niall's face and his lips finally curled before he chuckled. Was that relief? I nibbled on my bottom lip when I remembered what he had asked me in the middle of the night and the right corner of my lips raised. I didn't know why he didn't want me to be pregnant with Dylan's baby but I liked it.

"Never have I ever been the subject of a rumor that wasn’t true." Eleanor read with a big smile. "Oh god, I think we can all drink!"

We all laughed and ended up finishing our glasses, handing each other the pitchers to fill them back again. I almost choked on the sip I was taking when Heidi arrived and she quickly sat next to Niall, making something stir in my stomach. I closed my eyes tight when she kissed him and I felt Louis' hand on my arm.

"It's okay to be hurt, love." he whispered. "If it matters, she's got nothing on you. She's also doing that to get to you."

I breathed in and out slowly before opening my eyes again. I noticed Heidi looking at me and sending me a sly smile that really bothered me.

"I'll get shots!"

Harry left with Liam and the whole time they were gone, I played with my fingers nervously. I felt like the whole evening was ruined because of her but I couldn't let that get to me, right? As soon as the guys put the shots in the middle of the table, I grabbed one and swallowed it quickly, followed by Louis.

"Wait, guys! This is for the game!" Harry explained. "And it's a surprise, you don't know what you drink!"

That's when I noticed the huge amount of shots on the table and raised my eyebrows just as Eleanor read the next question.

"Never have I ever... caught someone masturbating."

I held my breath and my eyes got bigger. I didn't want to turn to Niall but it was stronger than me. He was already looking at me and he chuckled.

"One time, when I was 13, Liv caught me masturbating. She just walked in my room without knocking!"

I smiled and pressed my lips together but my smile faltered when I realized he had no idea that I had caught him masturbating last time I actually slept at his place. The sight of him jerking off flashed in my mind and I gripped my glass tighter until I heard his voice again.

"Oh and remember at the lodge?" he asked with a smirk. "I came back in the room the first day we got there and-”

"Nooo! Shut up!"

I moved closer to him, trying to press my hand over his mouth but he dodged me and ended up just holding my wrist as he finished his sentence.

"And I caught Olivia masturbating in the dark, in our room!"

"Oh my god I hate you." I groaned, leaning my forehead on the table as I heard laughter. "That was a secret!"

"Was it though?" Niall asked, his lips dangerously close to my ear.

I held my breath and waited a few seconds to look up, noticing Louis had given a shot to Niall and was now handing me one. I drank it quickly, turning the glass around and putting it on the table. Tequila, ouch.

"Never have I ever... tried anal sex."

Once again, I closed my eyes and groaned, bringing one of my hands on my face as Niall laughed next to me. I was really going to get drunk. I reached for two shots and handed one to Niall who just chuckled and drank it fast. I did it took and raised my nose up. Sambuca. I hated that.

"Wow, who the hell are you?" Louis asked, raising his eyebrows while looking at me. "Little wild thing. Can't believe you let him!"

It was not my first time trying anal but I decided not to mention it. The truth was, when I was dating Niall, I would have done anything for him. There was no limit, as long as he stayed with me and was happy, it was all that mattered to me. I suddenly felt the urge to kiss him and held my breath as I stared at him. My heart was hitting so hard against my rib cage I thought it was just going to escape. Literally. It was ridiculous. I was not ready to do anything for anyone anymore, except myself. That's how things should be.

"Never have I ever... hooked up with an ex’s friend."

Once again, I knew I had to drink. Not everyone in the room knew that I had slept with Louis and I thought maybe it would be better if I didn't drink at all but the worst would be if I hesitated. If I just drank, they could believe it was an other ex than Niall but if I didn't seem sure, they'd know I was not at ease and it would be suspicious. I rolled my eyes, realizing I was going a bit too far in my thoughts and just grabbed an other shot, swallowing it quickly. I felt Louis' hand squeeze my thigh and my lips curled slightly. He knew and it was enough for me.

"Never have I ever... tried to make an ex jealous."

I sighed and took an other shot, shaking my head.

"We need to find questions that won't force me to get so drunk I won't be able to walk in half an hour!" I argued with a chuckle, watching as Niall grabbed a shot too.

I was starting to hate this game, if only for the fact that all I did was drink and check if Niall would drink too and if he did, I'd just spend a few minutes wondering who it was about and what exactly it meant. I glanced at Heidi, thinking she should probably drink but didn't and I rolled my eyes.

I never really had tried to make Niall jealous but I had hoped for it. I was not getting married to make him regret leaving me, but when I noticed his reaction when he found out and stormed out of the cafe, I couldn't pretend it didn't do anything to me. It did. I liked it. It gave me hope. Hope for what? I was not sure.

"Never have I ever... second-guessed a relationship."

I was getting pissed at myself for letting all his simple gestures and actions get to me. I loved him, I loved him so fucking bad it was driving me insane, but there was no way I was going back to being the 'no-back-bone-and-fucking-blind' girl I used to be when we were dating. I didn't want that. I reached for a shot and placed it in front of Niall a bit roughly, spilling a few drops of what I believed was rum, or at least, it smelled like it.

"Do you need only one?"

Somehow, everyone stopped talking and although I should feel guilty, I really couldn't. I was past the tipsy stage and a few memories were coming back to my mind. I also didn't enjoy Heidi's presence and the way she was so close to him. Niall looked down and licked his lips, waiting a few seconds before drinking the shot and pushing the glass away. Eleanor cleared her throat and I just shook my head with a sigh.

"Uhm, never have I ever cheated on a partner."

I closed my eyes again but this time for a complete different reason. I thought about the first time Niall touched me. I could almost still feel his fingertips brush on my skin before he had pushed them inside me. I can't remember being this excited ever in my whole life. This time, I didn't have to say anything. Niall just reached out to grab a shot and swallowed it.

"Not on Liv, right?"

Niall turned to Louis and shook his head.

"No. With her." My eyes moved to Heidi's hand who gripped Niall's arm tighter sinking her nails in his skin. I couldn't help but think she did that when they fucked, too. "It was back when I was with Maya."

I noticed Harry was looking at me with a frown and I just shook my head slightly, answering his silent question. He nodded and his lips curled a bit as I answered his smile. No, I had no cheated on Harry. I wouldn't have done that, not even for Niall... right?

"It was... unplanned." Niall added, making me press my lips together.

The memory was so vivid, probably due to the alcohol and mixed with the proximity of Niall's body, that I had to get up and go to the bathroom. As I got up, I realized how drunk I was and tried to walk straight. I didn't like to show I was drunk and I was not sure why but when I got out of the bathroom, Louis was leaning against the wall, waiting for me.

"El and I are leaving, we've got a brunch in her family tomorrow morning, so I'll sleep at her place." he explained with a frown. "Are you okay? We can give you a ride home if you want."

"No, thank you." I shook my head. "I'll just take a cab."

"No, no cab by yourself. One of those fuckers will bring you home when you'll be ready. I'll make sure of it. And if anything happens, you call me."

I nodded and he pulled me into a hug, making me close my eyes. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, and that I missed having sex with him, but it was a lie. What I actually missed was to be close to someone, and I sort of felt like I was losing him, somehow. Soon, we were not going to live together anymore and I had no idea if I was okay with that.

"Sorry for that game, although it went better than you thought, right?"

I chuckled and pulled away before nodding. He sent me a wink and told me goodnight and I watched him leave before sighing and walking back to the table with difficulty. Liam and Julie were getting up too and I frowned, tilting my head when I got closer.

"Are you guys leaving too?"

"Yea, we're both a bit tired." Julie explained.

They said their goodbyes to everyone and I ended up sitting next to Harry and in front of Niall. I watched as Heidi talked in his ear with a smirk and I glanced down to watch her arm disappear, realizing she probably had her hand on his thigh, or even somewhere else. I looked away and swallowed at the intense feeling of jealousy invading me.

"Oh, Olivia, I know you'll be alone tonight, would you rather sleep home?"

I frowned at Heidi, a bit surprised about her proposition and licked my lips, trying to find a reason why she would actually want me to be with both of them at his place. To show me he belonged to her, perhaps? To keep on being all over him in front of me?

"No it's okay, she can come home." Harry just said, getting up and grabbing his phone. "I'm alone tonight, too."

"It's cool, Harry. She'll sleep at mine." Niall quickly replied, getting up to. "Plus, it's closer."

They looked at each other and Harry finally sighed before bending down and whispering to me.

"Are you okay with that?" I just nodded and he did the same. "Okay, darling."

Heidi drove us back home since she had barely drank and I noticed Niall kept glancing at me in the mirror but I didn't acknowledge him. I knew he was a bit mad at me for some of the things I had said and if I wanted to be honest, I really thought I was over all of that, but the thought of him breaking my heart and not being sure of the relationship we had made something burn inside me... I was not mad. I was still hurt. I probably always would be.

Niall let me borrow a pair of his sweatpants and a shirt and none of us really talked at all. We just went to bed and before I knew it, I was laying on my back, under the covers, in the dark, just staring at the ceiling. Normally, I would have a conversation with Niall until we'd both fall asleep but that night, it was impossible. He was going to cuddle her all night, and not me. The thought made me swallow hard and I tried to keep my tears in. I was intoxicated and just closing my eyes made me dizzy.

That's when I heard it. It made my heart jump so hard in my chest I was near throwing up. A moan. Just a low moan disturbing the silence of the night and then, an other one. I got up slowly, my heart beating harder, making my whole body throb and when I opened the door, I held my breath. I stepped out of the room and It was clear, now. A bunch of moans reached my ears and I leaned my back against the wall, shutting my eyes tight.

"Oh, fuck, Niall!"

I felt tears invade my eyes and I let myself slide on the wall until my ass hit the floor. I heard noise, like the annoying sounds of a mattress moving, and I brought my hand to my mouth, trying to keep in the sobs that wanted to escape. This is exactly why Heidi wanted me to sleep at their place but the one I really blamed was Niall. How could he do that to me? Wasn't breaking my heart once enough? What the hell was he thinking?

I was sitting down alone in the hall, now as sober as possible in these circumstances, listening to my ex boyfriend, the man I was in love with, having sex with his girlfriend. It was so pathetic I didn't even take the time to wipe the tears that fell on my cheeks, I just accepted my fate, motionless, like it was something I actually deserved. I tried to think about my boyfriend, filming a movie in an other country, but it couldn't distract me from the noises coming from his room. All these images of Heidi riding him as he touched her and told her how much he loved her invaded my brain and I felt suddenly nauseous. It made me realize one thing. It was not so much that they had sex, that really bothered me, although it did hurt me to some extent. What was really hard to accept was that he may have feelings for her, stronger feelings than he had for me. I also couldn't really believe he cared so little about me that he'd literally do it while I was in the same house, in the room literally next to mine.

I cried more, feeling like this moment would never fucking end. It's only when I heard his voice for the first time that something inside me seemed to click. He had groaned and I hated it. It was a low and simple grunt but it made me want to literally die on the spot. I don't know where I found the strength but I quickly got up, walked back to the guest room and grabbed my purse before rushing to the front door and stepping out of the house into the dark night. The door closed roughly behind me and I realized they may have heard. I quickly left and ran across the street, my shoes hitting the ground being the only sound around. It was only when I was totally out of breath that I decided to call a cab. I just wanted to erase that whole evening from my mind. I just wanted to erase all my feelings and be happy again but I couldn't lie to myself. The only time I was truly happy was when I was with Niall... and that was over. There was no hope left inside me.

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #my fanfics #yam #i just want to write the next chapter tbqh #i just cant wait to write it!!!

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klanceweek · 6 years

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Red + Blue = Purple

submitted by autumn

Day 1

it’s my first fanfic/story, and it’s not as long as I would like but hope you enjoy!

--mod ana commenting real quick: i think i caught all the author notes for correction but if i’m wrong, please notify me thank you

Keith’s POV Yet again, we are fighting another Galra fleet. I can’t count how many we have defeated by now, and we have not had ONE break or relaxation time. It’s just been constant, eat, sleep, then fight. It’s like a never ending battle, which it basically is by this point.

(More after the break!)

What gets me however- “Ring Ring! Schmoopsy poo! I’ve missed you!” - is Lance’s “girl friend.” “LANCE!” the team shouts for the umpteenth time. “Yeesh, sorry, I’m just talking to my girlfriend, no need to shout!” The first time it was fine, the second time inconvenient, the third annoying, and the twentieth time, in the middle of battle, is an major issue.

“Lance, you need to tell your..girlfriend…to stop calling when we are fighting the Galra!” So please wait until we are back at the castle.“ Shiro replies clearly fed up with the whole situation.

Wait, did he say Schmoopsy poo? What the heck! I decide to voice my thoughts, “Schmoopsy poo, seriously Lance?”

“At least I have a girlfriend!” “Team! Focus! And Lance, hang up already!” They decide to form Voltron however they don’t even get a chance to fight because the Galra immediately flee when they see the giant robot. “Seriously!” Pidge exclaims,“We fight them for hours and they don’t even have the gal to finish the fight!?” “At least we can finally relax.” Hunk sighs. The lions head back to the castle. In the hanger everyone makes their way to the control room where Allura is waiting. They all head their, albeit very slowly, but eventually get there, whilst dragging their feet. They all have dark bags, frazzled hair, and look very worn out. Even the immaculate Lance looks tired. “Paladins, I’ve decided that we all need a break, so we won’t fight any more Galra unless it’s an emergency.” Allura states, looking quite worn herself. On cue, Lance’s girlfriend, cecilia, calls again. I head to my room intending to get some rest, when Lance bumps into my shoulder, too busy talking to Cecilia. I growl in annoyance and enter my room flopping on my bed. It feels like i’m sleeping in the clouds, maybe i’ll even get more than four hours of sleep. My eyelids start to get heavier and heavier, then bed swallowing me in it’s warm embrace, and blanket weighing me down further..“.lance…ove..ou….schmoo…”…ugh…I slowly start to wake up. The first thing I notice is that Lance is on the phone talking to someone. At 2 in the morning! Unfortunately, my room is right next to Lance’s, and he is talking so loud that I can hear him through the walls! I walk to his room and, politely, knock on the door,“Shut up Lance! Some people are trying to sleep!” Lance pokes his head out the door, whispering so he doesn’t bother the others, (yet he has no problem bothering me). “Shhh! I’m talking to Cecilia!” “And I’m trying to sleep!” “Then you should have thought of that before waking up, it’s not my problem, now shoo!” He waves his hand in a shooing motion. Something snaps… “Did you just…shoo me? Seriously! Are you fucking serious! I am so fed up with your shit! Why the hell are you even with her! You can’t possibly think it’ll last, she literally live on another fucking planet! Just break up already!” Keith yells. In hindsight he could have said it more nicely. “What do you know!” Lance shouts, “You have no right to tell me who I can or can’t date! I love her! Can’t you understand that?!” “This is not love, it’s just a little crush that is a burden to everyone.” Keith states calmly expecting Lance to understand. “What the fuck do you know! You’ve never loved anybody! You’re cold hearted and selfish! Hell, nobody loves or has ever loved you! That’s why you’re an orphan!” Lance yells, then his eyes widen in horror as he realizes what he just said. He sees Keiths wide teary eyes, mouth slightly open in shock, looking at Lance in anguish. Keith lowers his head in acceptance, shadows covering his eyes as a tear slides down his pale cheek. Lance reaches out his hand feeling his insides twist in guilt, “Keith, I-” “You’re right, no one’s ever loved me, not even my parents.” Keith whispers, voice hoarse, then desperately runs off down the hall, tears trailing in his wake. “Wait, I’M…i’m…sorry…so sorry…i’m so so sorry.” Lance sinks to his knees leaning on the door frame. Eyes misty, he curls up and harshly tugs his hair in self-hatred. This is how Shiro finds Lance as he walks around the corner, probably hearing Lance and Keith earlier. Shiro kneels next to Lance features softening into understanding,. “If you need to talk about it, i’m here for you."After a small pause he asks, "Did you have a fight with Cecilia?” “No..I-I yelled at Keith and said..something…horrible. I don’t even know why!” “What did you fight about?” Shiro inquires softly. Lance quietly explains,“I think I woke Keith up and…a-and I yelled at him saying that he…h-he…he’s never been in a…relationship..so how could he understand!” Lance laughs hollowly, “What’s funny is that i’m not in a relationship, never was, I just….was jealous and I wanted him to feel jealous or something for once besides hate.” “Look, Lance, Keith doesn’t hate you, even now. He’s more sensitive than you know and doesn’t know how to interact well with others. He’s afraid of being rejected or hurt or hurting someone else, so he never even gives them a chance. But with Voltron, us, he’s finally opening up, and he has greater feelings for you than you know.” “Well, I just smashed those feelings into smithereens. I don’t know what to do Shiro, how can I possibly make up for what i’ve done? I told him nobody loves him, but I..I lied…I…what should I do?” “Well for starters we need to find him and you need to apologize and tell him how you feel.” Shiro starts standing up, taking Lance’s hand to help him up as well. “Okay,” Sniff,“I’ll do that, but where did he go?” Hunk and Pidge walk around the corner and see Lance and Shiro. “Hey guys, why are you up so late?” “Hunk, Pidge, can you help us find Keith, he’s very upset right now and i’m worried.” says Shiro “I saw him run down the hall a while ago.” Hunk yawns. “I’ll hack the cameras and see where he went.” Pidge states, pushing up their glasses. They watch on Pidges computer as Keith heads in a seemingly random direction, then enters a vent. The rest of the paladins decide to split up in order to cover more ground. Lance wanders aimlessly, thinking about his actions and where Keith could possibly have gone. Suddenly, he remembers one time Keith took him to the top of one of the towers saying how he sometimes goes there when he feels overwhelmed. The blue paladin sprints down halls ways trying to remember how to get to the tower. Finally, he finds a purple door painted with flowers. As he scales the long winding stair, Lance can’t help but think he feels like a knight rescuing a princess. He cracks a sardonic smile at that thought, he sure doesn’t act like a knight, and that is going to stop. He is going to admit his feeling, consequences be damned. Reaching the last step, he hesitates, then squares his shoulders and opens the door. He stands in awe of the beauty of the place. Purple flowers swaying without wind, petals floating on calm music with a tone of sadness.There, in the middle of the field, Keith is hunched over, head buried in his arms. The flowers almost glow around Keith giving him an ethereal beauty. However, Lance notices the shaking of Keith’s shoulders, and a chocked sob that wrenches at his soul. He has never seen Keith cry, and in his heart he resolves to make sure the red paladin never cries from sadness again. Lance slowly approaches, carefully avoiding crushing the flowers. He kneels behind Keith and reaches his arms around the black haired pilot, gently embracing him. Keith gasps as he snaps his head up towards Lance. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean what I said. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, and I don’t expect you to forgive me but, I wanted to tell you that people do love you. The whole team loves you Keith.” “How do I know you’re not lying. No one’s ever loved me before, as you said. How do I know you’re telling the truth?"Keith tries curling up tighter to distance himself from Lance. "Because Keith, I…I love you…more than a friend or brother…I love love you, I have for a while now, and i’m sorry I deceived everyone, but I was never in a relationship."Lance explains, wrapping his arms tighter around the other paladin. He can hear the others fast heart beat and erratic breathing. Lance sees how Keith’s eyes are red and puffy, but a glimmer of hope is there and Lance grasps the chance like a life line. He tilts Keith’s chin up, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss. Keith freezes in shock, then tears fall again and he kisses back with fervor. Lance brushes his tongue against Keith’s lips, and the later gasps allowing a deeper kiss. They stay there a while embracing the other surrounded in a field of purple flowers. They lay down and look up at the sky, stars reflect in Lance’s eyes as he softly grasps Keith’s hand. Feeling for the first time truly loved, Keith lets one more tear roll down his face, landing on the petal of a blue flower intertwined with a red. ~The End (sorry if it seems rushed or if somethings wrong, I wrote this in under 4 hours, although I have been planning this for a while. I also didnt edit it. I might go back and add much more some other time. Hope you enjoyed it though! I know I enjoyed some of the others!)

#day one #i can't tell which week this is from fuck #sorry autumn!! i love you my friend #klance #fanfic #submission

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berjhawn · 8 years

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Bucky Barnes X Reader - I Don’t Need You

Warnings: Angst, lies, fighting, misunderstandings, heartbreak, ETC

Pairings: Bucky Barnes X Reader

(A/N) This is a one-shot i had playing around in my head. It’s angsty since that’s the mood i was in when i wrote it. I hope you all enjoy it.

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One sentence… just one little sentence was enough to bring my whole happy world crashing down. I had been working at Stark Tower as a liaison between Pepper and the UN, when I was reassigned to ‘Bucky’ duty by Captain America himself. When Bucky first arrived, he was a little unstable and prone to panic attacks, all of which I was able to bring him down from using different methods. As my mission, so to speak, progressed; as did my relationship with Bucky.

At first the two of us were always together. I don’t know whether that was Steve’s plan from the beginning, putting two emotionally unstable individuals together or not, all I know is that it worked. I fell and I fell hard for Bucky. He was broken and damaged just as I was. I hadn’t grown up in the best of circumstances, hell I spent my childhood begging for food in the center of town, but after a kind old man took me in and put me through school and College; I made it my mission to help others.

Hence, I joined the UN, or the United Nations. I graduated top of my class and became a government liaison. That was many years ago, now. I’ve been a liaison for many different superheroes, starting with Reed Richards and then of course ending with Tony Stark. My job was simple, be the go between for both and keep the chaos to a minimum. Also, I was there to report on any and all tests and secrets.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. Like I said Bucky and I were constantly together, we spent every waking moment near each other. It was inevitable for me to fall for him. It happened about three weeks ago, Steve thought it would be a good idea for Bucky and I to take a day and go to Coney Island. Perhaps it might rekindle some of Bucky’s memories that hadn’t come back yet. So, we went and at first it was magical.

We were having a great time. That was until I said something I shouldn’t have. I was so stupid, I got caught up in the moment and in the spur of it I told him I loved him. His eyes, he looked at me like I had betrayed him. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. It was just like when I was a kid and my mother abandoned me. He didn’t say anything. Like he was avoiding my confession so I decided to take him back to Steve.

The rest of the way back to Avengers tower we rode in silence. My heart was breaking and I just wanted to get him back safely and then I would decide what I was going to do from there. When we arrived, after I climbed out of the cab he grabbed my hand and said, ‘I don’t need you anymore, today proves I can do just fine by myself.’ I froze in my footsteps as he releases my hand and walks into the tower. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was crushed. Tears stung my eyes but I wasn’t about to cry.

Flashbacks to my childhood filled my mind. Abusive words slung at me from every direction covered me making me lose all the confidence I had gained over the past few years. I was broken. I don’t remember how I got home or even how I didn’t end up dead in a ditch somewhere. All I remember was waking up the next morning and returning to my original job as Miss Potts assistant. I didn’t try to avoid him, I didn’t make things awkward, I was just being professional. Everything was fine. Even though the very sight of him made my heart hurt I had to be professional.

Then it happened. I saw him with another girl. He was smiling a smile I had never seen before. It crushed me. That was when I decided to leave. I put in my resignation letter with Miss Potts, packed my bags, sold my apartment, and headed back to Paris. I traded in my field work for a desk job. I didn’t want to get attached to anyone ever again.

“And that’s why I’m here.” I say as I look across the room to the Shrink my supervisors requested I go to. The middle-aged woman had her hair pulled tightly back in a bun, and she wore a gray pinstriped pants suit. This was the last place I wanted to be.

“(Name), I’ve read the reports you wrote about your time at the Avengers tower; It seems like you had many friends you could have turned too, so why did you leave without notifying anyone other than Miss Potts?” She asks as she pulls her glasses from her face.

“Miss Potts was my boss; it’s only fitting I tell her I was leaving.”

“And this Bucky individual you mentioned, you didn’t feel the need to tell him you were leaving?” She asks and my heart clenches.

“No ma’am, I figured it was best that I break off contact without delay. That is also why I decided to stay here in Paris. I’m finished with field work.”

“You do realize it’s your superiors who want me to clear you for the field do you not?”

“I do ma’am, but I wish to remain at my desk.”

“I understand your reasons, I will go through my notes and let them know what I think.”

“Thank you,” I say forcing my business smile.

“That is all the time we have for today, I will see you again next week at the same time.”

“Yes ma’am.” I say as I stand and grabbing my coat and purse head for the door. I was not happy. Leaving the therapists office, I step out into the cold winter air and let out a heavy sigh. I hated shrinks, I never believed they worked and I hated the fact that I was to tell a complete stranger about my tortured past. As the cold wind blows I take a deep breath and wince as the cold air fills my lungs. It burned but that was just proof that I was alive.

Turning I decide to take the long way home and walk past Notre Dame. It was my favorite place in the whole world. When I was begging for food I used to go there. The Archbishop and Deacons used to slip me whatever food they could and then on extremely cold nights they would allow me to sleep inside the cathedral. It was the first act of kindness anyone had ever shown me. I smile at the people as I pass by them.

As the church comes into view I remember Philippe, the old man who took me in off the streets. He was a baker, every morning he would wake up early to start preparing the dough. I loved smelling the smell of bread baking. Bread baking was my favorite smell in the whole world. Although he passed away right after I graduated college he left his bakery in the hands of his workers.

Rounding the corner, I spot a familiar face and I smile as I rush over to the flower woman. “Bonjour Marie,” I call out to the redhead as I reach into my purse to pull out some money for her beautiful yellow Roses.

“Ah Bonjour (Name), Je ne vous ai pas vu depuis des années. Comment allez-vous?” (I haven’t seen you in years. How are you?) She replies a bright smile covering her withered face.

“J'ai eu un peu de malchance en amour mais à part ça je l'ai bien été.” (I've had a bit of bad luck in love but other than that I’ve been well.) I reply holding the blooming petals up to my nose.

“Eh bien, je ne vais pas édulcorer et dire que vous allez rencontrer quelqu'un savait. Est-ce que vous aimez cet homme?” (Well I’m not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll meet someone knew. Did you love this man?) She asks and I feel tears sting my eyes as I think of him.

“Oui je l'ai fait.” (Yes, I did.)

“L'amour fait mal. Voilà comment vous savez qu'il était réel.” (Love hurts. That's how you know it was real.) She replies and I nod.

“Eh bien, je serai hors tension. Merci Marie pour la belle rose.” (Well I'll be off. Thank you, Marie, for the lovely rose.) I say as I start to walk toward the bridge. She waves me off with a smile and I grip tightly to my little bouquet as I slowly walk across the Pont au Double bridge. I take one last glance toward the church and smile softly before I turn back and continue my walk home.

Walking into my apartment, I am greeted by the familiar face of a one Steve Rogers and I freeze in my footsteps. “Mr. Rogers? Um, what are you doing in my apartment?” I ask a knot welling up inside my throat.

“Pepper told me you resigned. I have to admit I was a little surprised that you didn’t say goodbye.” He says a sad smile covering his lips.

“I apologize; I admit I wasn’t thinking rationally when I left.” I reply as I close my door and setting my purse and roses down start to pull my coat off.

“Don’t apologize. I’m sure you had every reason to do what you did.” He says and I nod as I hang my coat on the hook and grab the roses.

“Um, would you like something to drink?” I ask as I walk past him to the kitchen to find a vase.

“Ah yes, a water would be nice.” He replies as he follows after me.

“Water it is.” I say as I set my roses down on the counter and grab a glass. Reaching into the fridge I grab a bottle of water and twisting the cap off pour it into the cup. Handing it too him I turn back and reach for a pair of scissors to cut the stems of my rose. “So how is everything?” I ask making small talk as I gently arrange the roses in an antique blue glass vase.

“Well the towers still standing if that’s what you mean.” He jokes and I chuckle.

“I guess that’s a good thing then.” I reply setting the vase on my kitchen table. “How long are you going to be in Paris?”

“A few days,” He replies and I nod.

“Are you alone, or did the rest of the team come?” I ask dreading his answer. I was not ready to see Bucky. I wanted to be alone.

“Tony, Natasha, Pepper, Sam and I came.” He says and I let out a sigh of relief that wasn’t visible on my face.

“You’ll have to tell them I said hi,” I comment smiling softly at him.

“I will, we’ll have to have dinner together.” He offers and I tense.

“I’ll have to check my schedule, but that would be nice.” I reply as I move from the kitchen to the front room. “Would you like to sit down?” I ask as I motion to the couch.

“Ah yeah sure,” He replies sitting down across from me.

“Is it just me or does it seem really awkward?” I ask smiling.

“So, it’s not just me.” He replies and I smile.

“There’s no need to be on your toes around me, please just be yourself.”

“Thank you. Sorry it’s just,” He pauses as he rubs his fingers along the smooth glass, “Been a hectic few weeks.”

“Again, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything about me leaving. I just needed,” I pause as I clasp my hands together. “I missed my home. I grew up in Paris you know?”

“I remember you saying something about it before. I got your address from the UN. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Although I am a little surprised to find you inside my apartment,” I giggle making him laugh before I continue, “It’s a nice surprise though, so thank you.”

“No problem. If I’m being honest, I missed you.” He says and I feel my heart lighten a bit.

“I missed you too Steve.” I reply honestly as I smile at him.

We spent the next few hours talking and reminiscing about old times which was nice. I hadn’t lied, I had missed Steve. Truth be told I had missed them all, but I just wasn’t ready to see them. Steve was enough. As the hours passed I glanced up to the clock to see that it was almost nine and my eyes widen. “Oh my, I didn’t realize it was this late. Um do you know your way back? Should I call you a cab, or if you’d like I have a guest room?”

“Oh um, I think I can find my way back. It’s not that I don’t want to take you up on your offer but I just think, you know,”

“Right, It’s completely understandable.”

“Um how about lunch tomorrow?” He asks as he stands up and walks toward the door.

“Uh yeah, sure, why not? Um, my lunch breaks at one. There’s a little Bistro I like to frequent for lunch called La rose floraison. They have the most amazing food there.”

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow at one.” He says grabbing his coat and pulling it on.

“I’m looking forward to it. Goodnight Steve,” I say giving him a soft smile.

“Goodnight (Name),” He says returning my smile before he heads off down the hall. As soon as he heads down the stairs I close the door and let out the heavy sigh I had been holding all night long. I lean my back against the door as I slowly slide down the door onto the floor. What was I to do now? If Steve knew I was here, then it wouldn’t be long until the rest of the team knew. Not that Bucky would come even if he knew.

The recollection of his name sent a shiver down my spine. My heart tightens in my chest and I take a deep breath to keep from crying. I look over at the clock and watch as the time slowly ticks by. There was no way I was going to get any sleep tonight. Not with my mind full of the past. Clearing my throat, I push myself up off the floor and grabbing my cell phone head to my room. Sitting down on the bed I reach over and opening my nightstand drawer I take out my sleeping pills.

I set my alarm and plug in my cell phone before I twist the cap of my pills and pulling two out slip them in my mouth. I swallow them down dryly before I lay down on top of the blankets. It was definitely cold outside and it was slightly drafty in my little apartment but I didn’t care. I wanted the cold. I needed to feel numb. As I close my eyes I slowly slip into an all too familiar nightmare.

Bucky’s POV

~Going back~

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Bucky yells out in confusion before running past his friend and up to her room. She couldn’t be gone. Why would she leave? His mind drifts back to the day they had gone to Coney Island and her sudden confession and his heart clenches. It was true that he had rejected her but it was for her own good. He couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved. Granted he had rejected her rather roughly but she had been acting just fine since then.

Throwing her bedroom door opened he found all her belongings gone. No trace of her was left. “(Name)!” He yells out as he runs throughout her entire floor in search of her. He feels his heart start to clench and its pace quickens. “No, no, no. (Name)!” He yells again his adrenaline kicking in. Unable to control his body he grabs the closest thing to him and throws it against the wall. He reaches for the next thing-

“Bucky calm down!” Steve yells as he reaches out and tries to restrain Bucky who is thrashing around wildly.

“Where is she Steve? Where did she go?” Bucky cries out pain lacing his voice.

“I don’t know Buck; all I know is she turned in her resignation and left. Even Pepper doesn’t know where she is.”

“It’s all my fault?” Bucky says his body stilling.

“What? Why? How is it your fault?” Steve asks confusion filling his voice.

“It just is okay,” Bucky snaps causing Steve to narrow his eyes at his friend.

“What exactly happened between the two of you Buck? I noticed she was acting strange but I didn’t think it had anything to do with you.”

“That day, the day you sent us to Coney Island; everything was perfect. She was beautiful with the sunlight in her hair and a happy smile on her lips. Then when we were about to get on the cyclone she told me,” He pauses as he narrows his eyebrows. “She told me she was in love with me.”

“Really? Buck that’s great.”

“I rejected her.” Bucky interjects making Steve stare wide eyed at his friend.

“What exactly did you say to her Bucky?” Steve inquires in a serious tone.

“I panicked. At first, I didn’t say anything. Right after that we climbed into a cab and came back here. Then when we got out of the cab I stopped her and,” He pauses as tears start to fill his eyes.

“And?” Steve presses his friend for more information.

“I told her that I didn’t need her anymore. That that day was a test that I passed and I could live normally without her.”

“Jesus Bucky, what were you thinking?” Steve chastises his friend as he runs a hand down his face.

“I wanted her to find someone else. Someone better than me. I’m broken and I’ve done a lot of bad in my life. I didn’t want to hurt her but I didn’t want to see her get hurt because of me either. My brain picked the easier of the two. I didn’t think she’d actually leave though. She acted normally after that day, I just figured she decided to stay friends.”

“Buck, you may have wanted to keep her from getting hurt; but in reality, you hurt her more than anyone else ever could.” Steve shakes his head. He knows this isn’t going to help his friend but Bucky needed to know the truth.

“But why did she wait so long to leave then? Why didn’t she leave the next day?” Bucky asks his eyes full of curiosity and pain.

“Did something happen recently?”

“No,” Bucky shakes his head. “We have barely talked since that day.”

“I’m sorry Buck, but I think it’s safe to say that she’s not coming back.” Steve says blatantly and Bucky nods.

“It’s all my fault.”

“Come on Buck, let’s get you something to drink and maybe go for a run to clear your mind.”

“Please just leave me Steve. I wanna be alone.” Bucky replies his eyes growing cold.

“Are you sure?” Steve asks as he places a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Bucky says his voice cracking. “Just leave me alone.”

~Today~

Bucky stares at the building that held her apartment with mixed emotions. He wanted to rush up the stairs to her. Tell her he had been wrong and all he ever wanted was for her to come back but he couldn’t find the nerve. Gulping down a breath of air he stares up at the window Steve said was hers, his entire body crying out for him to run to her but he held himself back. The light was still on and at times he could see her silhouette against the curtains.

He wanted to see more. He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her he was sorry. Steve had been up there for a while talking with her and he had said that she seemed a little awkward and nervous. Steve hadn’t mentioned that he was in town and that gave him the element of surprise. Steve had made a date with her to have lunch tomorrow and as a surprise he would be there instead of Steve.

There was no doubt she would be upset and a little betrayed but he needed to talk to her. He needed to see her, to tell her that the words he had told her had haunted his every waking moment. She would probably reject him but it was a chance he was willing to take. As the lights of her apartment turn off he takes a deep breath and turning heads back to his hotel room where he would sleep tonight for the upcoming battle tomorrow.

Reader’s POV

I stare at the blank screen before me. My mind wasn’t able to focus on anything work related at all. “(Name), I needed those files regarding the Wakandan royal family on my desk five minutes ago!” My boss Michael Ross yells out bringing me from my stupor.

“Oh!” I exclaim as I look down at the open file showing a picture of the young prince of Wakanda. “I’m sorry Mr. Ross, I have it right here.” I say as I quickly close the file and hand it over to him.

“What’s with you today? You were doing so well.” He asks his deep brown eyes filled with worry.

“Just didn’t get enough sleep last night. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” I say straightening my back and putting my best businesslike face on.

“Okay, if you need an ear to listen to your troubles, my door’s always open.” He says with a quick wave before he started off back to his office. When his door closes, I let out a sigh of relief before I lean back against my chair my head falling back so I could stare at the ceiling. Damn Steve for showing up and causing my mind to be so muddled. Speaking of Steve. I look at the clock to see that it was almost time for me to go on my lunch break and contemplate sending him a message. I grab my phone only to realize that I had deleted his cell number when I came back to Paris.

“Just my luck.” I groan out as I toss my phone onto my desk and pinch the bridge of my nose. No turning back now. Pulling my cac-card from the reader I place it inside my wallet and standing up I grab my phone and shoving it back into my purse grab my coat. Rolling my shoulders, I slide my chair up to my desk and turning head for the elevator. I give Michael a quick wave signaling that I was leaving for lunch and he nodded.

He gives me a head nod in return as he is on his phone before I climb into the elevator and hit the lobby button. I watch the numbers slowly count down as I try to think about what I was walking into. I thought about somehow running away and hiding but now that they knew I was here that wouldn’t work. Letting out a heavy sigh I hail a cab. When one stops I quickly climb inside and telling him the address fold my hands over my lap and let out a heavy sigh.

It took no time at all to make it to the little café. I hand the cabbie the money I owed before I climb out of the cab and taking a deep breath I head inside. I smile softly as I am greeted by the familiar host who quickly leads me to a table where I could wait for Steve. I order a water as I pull my cell phone out of my purse and start to fiddle with it. A few seconds later I see someone walk up to me out of the corner of my eyes and thinking it to be Steve I fake a smile and look up only to stare wide eyed at the last person I ever wanted to see again. “Bucky…”

“Hey (Name), mind if I sit?” He asks his icy eyes pleading with me. My heart starts to race and my palms grow sweaty as he sits down across from me.

“I thought I was meeting Steve.” I say in disbelief as I stare across the table at him.

“Sorry about that, Steve asked you here for me.” Bucky replies as he leans his elbows on the table.

“Why?” I ask as my throat tries to close up.

“Because I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because I miss you.”

“Why?” I ask again not getting where he was going with this. Why did he miss me? He was the one who told me to go.

“Because…” He pauses his eyes finding mine as they fill with a silent plea.

“Sargent, I have a very busy schedule. I’m sorry but I need to get back. Tell Steve not to contact me again.” I say as I grab my purse and tossing down some money stand up and leave.

“(Name) wait.” Bucky calls out as he follows after me. I ignore him as I continue on down the street headed anywhere but there. “(Name)! Stop!” Bucky yells out angrily making me stop in my tracks and turn back to him. He gulps down a breath of air as he closes the distance between the two of us and before I have a chance to think crashes his lips against mine. At first I fight against him trying my hardest to push him away so I could keep my sanity but just like before I found I couldn’t.

I grip tighter to his coat as his hands cup both sides of my face holding my lips to his. Tears fill my eyes as I with one last surge of sanity push him away. As he stumbles away from me I feel my hand move on its own as it collides with the side of his face. “Why?”

“Why what?” HE asks making me try to choke back sobs.

“Why now? Why did you kiss me? What do you want from me Barnes?” I question as I try not to burst out in tears. “You told me to leave so I did. What more do you want? How much more will you hurt me?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He says a pained expression filling his face. “I told you I didn’t need you cause I didn’t want to place you in danger. No matter what I do I will always have bad people after me and I didn’t want to put you through that. I couldn’t see you hurt.”

“Well you failed there, you hurt me more than anyone else ever could.”

“Then why did you stay after I told you to leave? Why did you take so long to leave?”

“Because I saw you.”

“You saw me what?”

“I saw you with another girl,” I answer and he cocks his head in confusion. “You wore a smile I never saw before. You looked happy with her and it broke my heart. I left because I knew you would never look at me like that. I couldn’t stay and watch the man I loved love someone else. I left to get over you. Why won’t you let me do that?”

“Because I love you (Name).” He replies taking me aback.

“You… you love me?” I ask as I start to take a few steps backwards away from him. “It’s not true, you don’t do that to someone you love.”

“It’s true (Name),” He answers as he clenches his jaw. “When I found out you were gone, I lost it. I went crazy. I wanted you to find someone else who was better that I am; but I never expected you to disappear. I never wanted that.”

“Then what did you expect me to do? Flaunt whoever I met in front of you? I couldn’t do that, no matter how upset I was.”

“The more I thought about it while I sat in your old apartment sulking,” He starts as he closes the distance between the two of us. “The more I realized how much I hate the thought of you being with someone else. It would kill me to have to stand by and watch you be happy with someone else no matter how much better they would be for you. I couldn’t do it. I realized then how much I love you (Name). I really and truly love you.”

“What am I supposed to say?” I ask tears silently falling from my eyes.

“Whatever you want. You can tell me to go to hell, to never see you again; hell, you can tell me to eat shit and die and I will.” He adds making me chuckle slightly at his words. “But if there is even the slightest bit of a chance that you can forgive me, and give me a second chance, the please tell me now.” I contemplate all the emotions and feelings running through my body as I stare up into his handsome face. I wanted nothing more than to tell him I loved him and that I wanted to be with him but what if it wasn’t enough. What if all this was, was just smoke and mirrors? It would probably kill me.

I take a deep breath fully intending to tell him no when I hear myself say, “I love you James Barnes.” He smiles and goes to hold me but I hold my had up stopping him in his tracks, “But I’m scared that this is all just…”

“It’s not what you think (Name) I really and truly love you. I will gladly spend the rest of my life proving it to you. If you’ll let me.” He says as his hands reach up to rest on my shoulders. I stare at him for a moment my eyes searching his for any hint that he might be untrue but there is none. Giving him a hopeful smile I wrap my arms around his waist and hold tight to him. “You better not be lying Barnes.” He kisses the top of my head as he gently smoothes my hair back.

“I promise (Name), I’ll always be here for you; and I’ll say it as much as I can. I love you.”

“I love you too James Buchanan Barnes.”

LATER

“I swear you are never allowed to leave the tower again.” Tony says as he sets a glass of whiskey down in front of you.

“Oh really? Why?” I ask a smile covering my lips as I hold tight to Bucky’s hand.

“Because Frosty here is annoying when he’s sulking. I almost tossed him back into Cryo to lighten the mood around here.”

“HEY!” Bucky argues making me laugh at the two of them as I look around at all our friends. Bucky grips tighter to my hand and I smile lovingly at him as I think to myself that I couldn’t be happier.

#berjhawn #james bucky barnes #Bucky Barnes #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #james buchanan barnes #winter soldier fanfic #winter soldier x reader #bucky barnes x reader #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Reflection

well i royally screwed up today,

work went well and i was able to keep up with all of jon and jeremy’s requests as well as fix/work on some client work and kept my cool. i also figured out how much money i need, made a plan to pay off my credit card so that my credit score will increase, and bought my plane ticket for grace’s wedding in september! i also notified andrew and david that i would be in town during that time. im really looking forward to spending time with them again. i also journaled a bit, posted all the entries i had made on my phone, and got my life in order. i made a plan for what i needed to do and felt pretty confident on what to do once i got home. i didnt follow through at all. i did actually make onigirazu for lunch tomorrow so at least i did that! im so excited to see it tomorrow :D I just need to remember to cut it in half and then put it in a container! I’ll probably switch the onion container out for a plastic one and do a double dishes tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t want them getting squished in my bag! Worst case scenario, I still have that cylindrical container from ox bone soup. I’m pretty sure my bagels went bad today so that’s not fun. And while I am sad that I’m wasting food, there’s definitely a learning curve here! At least I managed to overestimate instead of underestimate like normal. I’m getting a much better idea regarding how much I need to buy in groceries and how often I should go! I didn’t need to buy two things of cheese during my most recent trip but I did need more avocadoes! Although, I probably could’ve done without it. But again, there’s definitely a learning curve and I think I’m starting to better understand it and learn to support myself! I’m glad.

After I heard about Chelsea’s molestation story, I felt a lot better about coming to terms with my own experience and sharing it instead of taking it to my grave like I had originally intended. And I don’t think Chelea or Jason would judge me too harshly if I did come forward with that or confes my recent sins but there is still a part of me that fears it. That just feels so much shame. Even Andrew who casually sees girls putting themselves out there on the daily, I don’t feel comfortable telling him because I think it would change his perception of me and I also think that’s just very dangerous territory where one thing could lead to another and we end up hooking up or something. And I’m sure that is not at all likely but I would rather not even take the chance. Before, I would just look at myself in selfie mode, then I started to take a few more pictures, and today, I took a lot of pictures and didn’t even bother deleting them until way later. I went out of my way to take provocative images and look up what guys enjoy. I opened the window and took a cold shower so that my nipples would show through my shirt and tried to figure out which angle made my boobs look the best and made my nipples seem the most prominent. I tried to cover my boobs with nothing but leggings so that most of my boob was exposed except for the nipples and tried to sit in various provocative poses to see which was the most appealing. I put my stilettos on again and feared that Michaela would hear me and wonder what I’m doing. I think different pictures with one boob exposed or both, with my legs up and heels on, contorted positions to obtain optimal “sexiness” and so on and so on. The bottom line is I did pretty well at fighting my inner demons for the majority of today and made active efforts to stop thinking about that. But the moment I looked up boudoir photography, I just kept digging deeper and deeper and deeper. I do think I’m a lot more comfortable with my body now which is good. I think before, I would immediately freak out if I saw that the window in the shower was open. But now, I’ll open it myself to let the hot hear escape from the restroom and not really care as much if someone sees me. Of course, if I found out someone was a peeping tom or taking pictures of me through my window, I would feel insecure and cautious but as of right now, if a couple people happen to glance over by accident, that’s fine. Whatever. Take a look while you can, boys, haha. And I do think it’s partly because I have seen myself in positions or at certain angles where I did see myself as attractive and not ugly. When I first started this venture, I hated looking at my face in the mirror. Now, I think it adds an innocent/cute aspect to my rather revealing photos. I have no intention of posting them publicly online, much less even keeping them in my phone.

I do feel some shame because I know it’s taboo and looked down upon in the church and is a lot more of a worldly concept. But I do genuinely feel a lot better about my body now and I’m glad. I don’t think it’s right to be ashamed of it. It’s the body that I was given and I want to be proud of it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to start putting out all the time now but it does mean that when I get married, I won’t be afraid to have sex or provide him with the best pleasurable sex that I can offer for us both. I do want to be okay with sharing it and whenever any one of my friends sent me a notification, I felt a tinge of guilt. But I just kept going anyway. In the back of my mind, I kept saying to myself that it’s my choice and I can stop whenever I want to and yet, I kept going. Sigh. I couldn’t stop. I needed to keep going. I just had to. I was doing well for a bit when I decided to delete everything before I finished examining each image but fell victim once more once I got into the piercing nipple through my shirt shot. I even went so far as to angle my light in a certain direction so that my nipples would be the most visible. It definitely would have worked better if I had a thin white shirt to work with but it got the job done I think. At least now I know what will happen if my shirt gets wet and I’m not wearing a bra. I hope it doesn’t turn David and Andrew on although it probably would just because of biology. But I don’t think either would “go for me” because they respect our friendship and I do really value that about them both.

But, I am pretty frustrated and disappointed in myself because today was going to be the start of a great series. I was going to get back in the Word and read the Bible and do my QT and paint my rocks and practice the VBS moves daily but instead, I chose to rot my brain while watching “Friends” in an attempt to sleep and once I realized that I couldn’t, I just kept going anyway. And the rest of the time was filled with me taking sultry images of myself. I could’ve done so much more and worked on my relationship with God some more but instead, I just acted selfishly and without self control. I do hope I can do better today but it’s not like this is out of my hands. I just need to make the conscious decision and effort to be more serious and do better. I guess I need to re-evaluate my reasoning especially. I’m not doing things so that I’ll look good in front of others but instead because I genuinely want to give all the thanks and glory to God and serve Him in any way that I can. I want to be more intentional and taking those photographs did get in the way of that today. I need to step up my game and straighten my act! Thank you for listening, Lord.

Thank you!

Amen.

#reflection

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bujiqveen · 8 years

Text

Personal

With every interaction with my ex-roommate I am reminded more and more of why we no longer live together. I just want this over with, but with every attempt I feel as if they are making things harder, and harder, probably just to spite me or something.

And talk about lies abound. I have never seen so much denial and unaccountability in one person before. It takes a lot of balls to claim you moved out of your own volition, when you know you were told to move out multiple times for failure to keep-up with your lease responsiblities, go to work consistantly, or self-manage your own mental illness, and not take your insecurities out on those close to.

Like, it is 2017. Fool, I got everything we ever done texted since 2013 (thank you old phones and wanting to preserve memories). Our friends got your texts. This isn’t the age where things just stay hidden. The truth comes out.

You wanna lie about how you didn’t agree to warn me in advance before you came over? I got receipts for that.

How about how you payed January’s rent when you actually payed December? Hell, anybody could walk down to their leasing office to verify that shit.

How did you pay for rent that’s not even due yet? On the day December’s rent was due?

Man, I didn’t realize my ex-roommate thought I was that dumb. They lie about everything to their parents, who are dispicible people who don’t let their own child express who they really are. How did I think I’d be lied to any less?

Turns out I’ve also been telling everyone about how terrible & evil my ex-roommate is. I must be really sneaky, because even I didn’t know I was doing that.

To date, only tumblr, my mom and my friend, Iris, even know I don’t have a roommate anymore.

Literally the only other person I’ve hung out with within my roommate and I’s friend circle is Esmé who doesn’t even know anything BECAUSE I LITERALLY DIDNT WANT MY EMOTIONS TO PAINT MY EX-ROOMMATE AS SOME KIND OF MONSTER.

I’ve been actively trying not to dwell on all this. If I do, I write it down and move along. I’m moving on. I’ve open to forgiving what’s happened, and am only partially salty and bitter about this but I’m human and these things take time.

Part of moving on means not compulsively ruminating on events we cannot change. So, I’ve kept silent about what’s been going on with people who weren’t involved. Especially mutual friends.

I am flawed, and no matter many times I begged my ex-roommate to hold me accountable for anything and everything that I did that affected them negatively, the only criticism I received was that I talked too much.

It was a good lesson learned, and with my ADHD something I’m mentally incapable of noticing (kinda like me and sarcasm lol) things like that. It’s important to have your support circle keep boundaries and rules, and do things like call you out and hold you accountable.

Because our mental illnesses still affect the people we care about whether we intend it to or not.

Of course, the day I kicked my ex-roommate changed their tune and suddenly there was a plethora of things they never told me about me.

Also of course, when pressed they wouldn’t divulge any of their complaints with me, even though open communication is something I’ve pushed for all 8 years of our friendship.

Oh, and that completely contradicts when they told me how I was doing everything right in our relationship and they were the fuck ups (something I refused to agree with. Relationships are two way fucking streets)

I am intimate with idealization/devaluation. I’ve spent since 2015 trying to recognize when I do it to others. I know when it’s happening to me.

My tumblr posts (and my personal journal) are the only thing that go into detail about my feelings about this whole mess of a situation. This is my safe space. Following is optional. I’m allowed to vent my inner thoughts on here.

I’m not the one who has been bringing friend after friend (the ones I’ve apparently been shittalking to no less, ha) into this drama. Sure they are more than welcome to help get my ex-roommates things. But dude, get some movers or something. Or notify me like you agreed, instead of sneaking off your things while Im at walmart like some thief in the night.

I’d be happier if they just signed the Roommate Addendum. They’ve got some paranoid idea that once theyre off the lease I wouldn’t let them get their things.

I have literally texted them I would let them get their stuff freely. I have told the cops I had to call. I have told not only my friend, and family, but THEIR friends helping them move.

It took 30 days of in-action before they started getting their stuff. 30 days of refusing to communicate so their roommate (me) can be with their things when I arrive because they understandably no longer trust me.

I feel so low. It hurts to realize how little someone else thinks you, when you tried to give them everything. When you made yourself smaller for them.

But that’s mental illness for yah. Left unchecked you end up hurting everyone around you, and I was just unlucky enough to be ground zero for my ex-roommate.

But that’s fine. If I need to be the monster in someone’s story, so they can get help, so they can find some motivation to better themselves, then that’s fine.

My 2017 goal has to move past this whole mess. Not dwell in the aftermath. I deserve more than that. Everyone in this situation does.

Which is why my ex-roommates resistancy to get things over with is so frustrating.

Gah. I’m drained. But things will get better. Everything happens for a reason. I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing for myself. I’m not gonna let go of this small piece of happiness I’ve carved for myself in the last 30 something days.

#personal #blah

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