#also this would be so much less of an issue if REDACTED HEALTH THING could get it's shit together and stop fuckin my hormones up

[billie80808]

In 2015 I had a strange dream. Or at least it seemed like a dream.

I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely parched. Everyone knows water never tastes as good as it does when you're guzzling it in the middle of the night. Problem is, my bedroom is upstairs, my kitchen is downstairs, and I'm sleepy. Next to my bed is a closet, and on the sliding doors of that closet are two closet-door sized mirrors, and when you slide open either side of the closet, the mirror on the left door is concealed behind the right door. When I look at my closet, I see a tall glass of ice water reflected back at me in the left mirror.

The glass is frosty, like a glass you'd be served a draft beer in. It is sitting in what would appear to be an endless void of white, and it's enormous. It's closet-door sized. I push off my blankets and step out of bed and despite the chill of the air conditioning, this ice-cold glass of water is absolutely tantalizing. But it's weird, because as far as I can tell there isn't a closet-door sized glass of ice-water sitting in front of the mirror in my bedroom.

I open the left side of the closet, and by doing so I block my view of the odd water. When the closet is fully opened, I hear the clink of ice in the glass, like you would if you were to slide a glass of ice-water on a table and suddenly stop it. I also hear a giggle. Impish. Antagonistic. The contents of my closet are the contents of my closet. I slide the door closed.

Something has changed. The ice-water remains, but the configuration of the ice has shifted, not so much as to be unrecognizable but enough to be noticeable, and too much for it to have been caused by the change in velocity. I repeat my experiment.

The same thing happens, another giggle, clearly coming from the plane reflected back at me. The ice-water dimension, I guess. Deliriously I repeat this experiment far too many times for anything novel to happen, and the giggles have stopped. The joke got old. On maybe my ninth or tenth repetition of this cycle, I notice that the ice is melting and the glass is less frosty than it was when it initially appeared in my mirror. And I'm still absurdly thirsty, and the most convenient source of water is getting warmer by the second.

Something in my head is screaming to not drink this water. This is bad water. But I'm so thirsty. I tentatively reach towards the water and am met with the familiar resistance of a glass mirror. Obviously. But it's cold. And when I push, there's more give than a mirror should have. More elasticity. I push with roughly the force required to puncture saran wrap and now I've breached the sacred boundary between reality and reflection. I feel doomed.

I should not drink this water. But my lust overpowers my restraint and my head is pushing through the veil and I'm submerging it in the water and guzzling as much as I can handle and it isn't as cold as it was when it was gifted to me but instead the perfect temperature and there is just enough for me to quench myself and when I'm sated nothing remains but a pile of ice and the shame that I've broken a rule I will never and could never understand.

That's the dream. Every day since has been routine.

Yesterday on my lunch break I went to a nearby coffee shop and sat down to eat my meal. I'm replying to some emails, halfheartedly paying attention to the radio being played through the establishment's speakers.

"In other news, [redacted] Health Department has issued a release regarding an odd phenomenon. Over 500 residents have related stories of an unusually similar, possibly hallucinatory experience in which they find themselves gazing upon the reflection of an alluring glass of deliciously cold water. These mirages seem to appear in the middle of the night, which we all know is the best time to drink some cold water, hahaha. Oh man. Anyways, officials say that these experiences are nothing to be concerned about, so long as you do not drink the water."

I'm pouring sweat and guzzling my coffee and it's too hot and it's burning my mouth and my throat but I feel like I need to sanitize myself from the inside. That really happened? That's all the info they're giving me? Why isn't anyone acknowledging the absurdity of this situation? No one else drank the water? I drank ALL of the fucking water.

I go back to the office and I'm soaking through my cornflower blue button-down and I'm breathing wrong and my brain won't focus on a task long enough to even consider starting it. I need to know what happens if you drink the water, what is going to happen to me.

I call the health department. I argue with a call-screening bot and its fake typing sounds make me want to drown myself in the bathroom. After 15 minutes I reach an operator. I tell her my story as clearly and calmly as possible.

"Hi, I'm calling because I just heard the release about the mirror water and the radio guy said that I should be totally fine as long as I don't drink the water but it'd be nice if I could get a little bit more information about this because that seems like a bizarrely tiny amount of info to give about weird giant glasses of water showing up in my bedroom mirror, and also-"

She cuts me off, "Hahaha, sir, calm down, it's really nothing to worry about. As of right now we're considering it some kind of shared delusion. Social media has our brains all scrambled ya know? There's just too much going on. Anyways, luckily no one has actually drank the water, so there's no cause for alarm yet."

"No, that's what I'm saying, I drank the water. What happens if you drink the water?"

A few seconds of silence. I hear a sniffle, she's crying. Now she's sobbing. She's saying "Oh god, I'm so sorry. Why would you do that? I'm so, so sorry sir."

Dial tone. I call back and I don't even get the bot. I get a busy signal. I call again, I get a "the number you are trying to call is unavailable." I call again, the call doesn't even go through, it just hangs up.

Someone else must've drank the water right? Anyone? Does anyone know what's happening? Did any of you drink the water? What's going to happen to me?

[arthurtristankingsmen]

More and longer theory chatter with @flash-the-geist with guest stars who popped in. This one is longer since it’s theorizing but turned into something Flash affectionately named the ‘Esprestissimo AU’ which I am keeping because I love it so much.

Most of this mainly features Duet thoughts and then shenanigans ! The most I did was add a missing thing in my own comments for clarification or that my brain skipped over when typing it before, or where I adjust the order of the messages for cohesiveness

please enjoy jdjd

flaaaash — Today at 4:35 AM

hmmm what if the note-taker is Duet, taking notes about "Solo"? that implies they're two different people

Arthur — Today at 4:36 AM

that's what i was thinking-- that the ‘He’ in the note is reverb, and this note is in reference to reverb, but also a comment on Solo, and the Duet 'wrote' this character profile as like-- a case file if they're in charge of the organization

so duet is like 'solo' claims she still needs to study him for research in a note on the file he's taking on reverb or something like that

flaaaash — Today at 4:37 AM

this might be my deep, unfortunate familiarity with bureaucracy talking, but- if the person in charge is also the one taking notes, it's a very small organization

Arthur — Today at 4:37 AM

oh yeah

i imagined it was tiny personally

tempo seems on the smaller side so if it's all based there, i was imagining it was relatively small

flaaaash — Today at 4:38 AM

not international then, perhaps

adkjfakjf oooh now I want to make a little card for Flash

Arthur — Today at 4:39 AM

yeah no-- at least since the name tempo of the town following the motif like seemingly implies it's based in/related to the town since if follows the reference style

or that's my thinking anyways?

flaaaash — Today at 4:39 AM

very true

imagine if Tempo is just Like That and the rest of the world is totally normal

Arthur — Today at 4:40 AM

i personally think vivi didn't grow up in tempo now more tho-- because i think if she did and there is an organization, they woulda gotten wind of her and she probably would've been recruited since she's smart and clearly into that kind of thing

and if she was in the org and knew what she was doing, i don't know if she would've gone to the cave if she was at all in the Know 

flaaaash — Today at 4:40 AM

or they would have tried to study Mystery?

Arthur — Today at 4:41 AM

that too!!

even if they brought her in just because of mystery i imagine they would've brought her in

flaaaash — Today at 4:41 AM

maybe that's what the "her research into "REDACTED" is referring to. Research into mystery?

it all does seem to come back to him

Arthur — Today at 4:42 AM

or maybe she's relatively new to tempo still, and duet gave her a job because they intended to bring her in at some point but hadn't yet

like there were steps to take and like-- the cave happened before things could get fully underway

i mean at my job i applied in like-- march, and i didn't get an interview until may, and then i didn't get any training until november, and then i didn't get brought in to learn the job until december. so it'd be easy to imagine that if there was a reason, bringing her in could be a slow process 

flaaaash — Today at 4:43 AM

that might also explain why there were all these "go back" signs in the cave

clearly someone with English language skills put the signage there

Arthur — Today at 4:43 AM

that too! it definitely felt like it was to warn off people and keep them from tresspassing

but the gang were kids and also ghost don't haunt the places that aren't super scary and dangerous! so of course they gotta go in!

flaaaash — Today at 4:45 AM

maybe they weren't expecting someone like Vivi at all

she was a wild card that popped up and threw a spanner in the works accidentally

Arthur — Today at 4:45 AM

yeah!

i can imagine her just coming in and completely bamboozling everyone

duet is like 'okay we'll get her in on this but we'll take some time to sort everything and judge where she's at skill wise since we have time and it's not like she can get into any danger with all our protective me--oh no'

flaaaash — Today at 4:48 AM

that calls Duet's motivation into question a lil bc - there's at least a significant amount of time between Lewis dying and them finding him again

since their search is reasonably extensive and Arthur's had time to heal up. So why didn't Duet do anything during this time?

Arthur — Today at 4:50 AM

hmmmm--- well we know it's been less than a year since the cave happened at least, and i think the way Ben talked about it  sounded like it was a relatively short time table of only a few months, so maybe they wanted to give them recovery time or they weren't sure how to broach it-- i'm not sure. maybe the comic will give some kind of insight hopefully if the case is that vivi came in like that

i feel like it'd be interesting and make more sense given what she has available magic wise and mystery-wise if she wasn't in town until much later in life to explain why she wouldn’t already be working with the organization. but i'm still like hmm

because you do have a point that there would be a fair bit of inaction, unless for some reason vivi's memory issues or something was a problem or something happens in the prequel to explain or hint

tho now that brings into question if duet knows Lewis is dead, how are things not being managed better

i mean i've had arthur say in the past and i've said once or twice that like-- i think arthur was already working with prosthetics. so he could've had an arm mostly built and just had to make a more functioning one so that could've been fast. so hopefully maybe the prequel comic is set a bit before and might explain duet helping or something in a way that could make sense of it?

especially given he did make galaham's wheels already and such. he might've already built one but needed to make a new one set up for him

flaaaash — Today at 4:54 AM

I'm fairly sure people would at least know he's missing

I guess it's possible that the 'memory magic' thing that makes Vivi forget - it could affect everyone except Arthur and Mystery?

Arthur — Today at 4:56 AM

that's possible--

we have only seen mystery and arthur in the world seeming to know what's going on, so we don't know who knows what. just that vivi doesn't know lewis

but maybe nobody else does either to some degree

flaaaash — Today at 4:56 AM

Arthur being possessed at the time, and Mystery being a magical being himself. We don't have any evidence that anyone else remembers Lewis, although he seems to still be in pictures

Arthur — Today at 4:57 AM

people did seem confused arthur was freaking out in the store in the comic and like

idk. if i knew he lost his best friend i'd be more sympathetic/not look at him like he was crazy. I’d assume something set him off but probably feel bad for him if i knew what happened in the last year?

because i would imagine mental health is in the toilet after going on a trip and losing a friend even if he was only 'missing'

and the way arthur mentioned lewis and when vivi forgets he's just like 'nevermind'. if no one really remembers Lewis, then maybe giving up trying to explain is because he’s used to no one knowing who he means

flaaaash — Today at 4:58 AM

yea h

Arthur — Today at 4:58 AM

what if arthur only remembers lewis? (and mystery does)

Don't forget to take your meds ❤ — Today at 4:58 AM

In fairness most people would be confused if they saw someone having a panic attack in public, no matter how much was known about the person

flaaaash — Today at 4:58 AM

also if Lewis looked like himself for a moment just before dropping Arthur - does that mean Lance saw him?

or did he only see skele-version and thus didn't recognize him as Lewis

Arthur — Today at 4:58 AM

hmmmmm--- i lean to skele vision. he turned back pretty quick iirc

flaaaash — Today at 4:59 AM

I'm torn between analysing between a storyteller perspective and an in-world perspective

Arthur — Today at 5:01 AM

por que no los dos?

also

hmmm-- i think given people were like 'what's up with that guy', it seemed either not knowing what was going on with him or what it could stem from, but if lewis disappeared in a small town i feel like a lot of the details would've spread. so they might assume it had to do with that instead-- so it feels like maybe most people don't know

which seems strange in a smaller community because stuff gets around

flaaaash — Today at 5:01 AM

especially since the Peppers own a restaurant

Arthur — Today at 5:01 AM

yeah-- in a small town place a restuarant is usually a social hub of sorts

so if lewis disppeared i'm sure people would talk given he was a waiter and thus kind of a face for the restaurant

flaaaash — Today at 5:02 AM

also if they think he's missing and not dead, his family would be looking for him too. which means missing persons pics and all that

Arthur — Today at 5:02 AM

yeah and we didn’t see any. and some people not knowing or visitors i could get, but everyone seemed surprised by arthur freaking out, and if they knew lewis was missing and lewis and arthur were friends, it feels odd to like-- none of them to even look sympathetic

i would imagine if they knew lewis was gone they'd assume arthur would be more emotionally reactive than usual-- unless they have no idea that something is going on with arthur because you know-- lewis is erased jdjd

i mean the reason we know vivi doesn't remember is because her eyes glowed as lewis got phased out of the photo

but who knows maybe him being phased out was in general and that just meant she was affected too. everyone gets amnesia

flaaaash — Today at 5:03 AM

also slightly cracky theory but - if they ended up accidentally in the research facility during Ghost, that would explain why Vivi found a fully-stocked fridge alkja;gl

Arthur — Today at 5:04 AM

DSJDDLJSDLFJDSJL

that would be hilarious

lewis is his own scp in his tantrum mansion

they just keep an eye on the lot

flaaaash — Today at 5:05 AM

well what else are they gonna do with him??? xD

Arthur — Today at 5:05 AM

dslsdjdsfljdsfd

''welp no one knows who this guy is soooooo manor in the middle of nowhere time'

flaaaash — Today at 5:06 AM

"so the waiter turned into a vengeful spirit?" "oh uhhhh ok put him in a box i guess until we figure something out?"

ok theory- Duet knows Lewis is dead, but is trying to figure out a way to help/break the memory magic on Vivi, and that's why he's in the mansion/cave for a while before Ghost?

Arthur — Today at 5:06 AM

i like it! i think them knowing and approaching arthur in the comic and using 'rancid vibes' as an excuse would make sense

flaaaash — Today at 5:07 AM

"so that Vivi person wandered in again somehow and now the vengeful waiter ghost is loose?" "for fuck's sake you had ONE JOB-"

Arthur — Today at 5:07 AM

they know what's actually going on but they kinda act like everyone else while also getting arthur something that might help him in that book that i think will be important in the plot of the prequel

DL;G;HDGSAL;HKGSDHL;DGS

flash you have the biggest brain

 flaaaash — Today at 5:08 AM

,kadjgalgkj

"also there was this killer tree-" "I do not care about the tree, one problem at a time"

Poor Duet is having A Week

but the mental image of them trying to avoid Arthur and Vivi investigating, while trying to find ??? and re-capture him while shoving Lewis in a box is hilarious, and then they run into Shiromori and just throw their hands in the air like "can u not????". And then Murder Mystery shows up and they just quit

Arthur — Today at 5:10 AM

dlaajldkljjdl;dldjlfkfd

duet is just like

on their tenth cup of coffee

Don't forget to take your meds ❤ — Today at 5:10 AM

Arthur: Those are rookie numbers

Arthur — Today at 5:11 AM

they see murder mystery and go back inside the shop like 'can you add like 5 espresso shots to this'

flaaaash — Today at 5:11 AM

explains why they're like "Arthur pls your vibes. Do you KNOW what I've been dealing with"

Arthur — Today at 5:11 AM

asdl;;dfslhsdahg;as;dghkghsdllhsgd

flaaaash — Today at 5:11 AM

"five extra shots and a red bull chaser please-"

Arthur — Today at 5:12 AM

(also just still crosses my fingers for medium/spiritually-sensitive!arthur to be canon but if not it will live on in my fannon)

dsldjllssfdf

they just start shoving coffee grounds directly into their mouth

flaaaash — Today at 5:12 AM

this series has a lot of antagonists

akjdalgj just crunching beans down whole

Arthur — Today at 5:13 AM

i need-- to draw duet

looking tired with a coffee

flaaaash — Today at 5:14 AM

Duet with a giant cup of coffee, staring at Murder Mystery with a deadpan stare and going "Absolutely not, I forbid it, there is not enough coffee in the WORLD."

Arthur — Today at 5:14 AM

flash and will if i share this chatter on tumblr would you be okay with it ? or would u rather i block out names if i do

i feel like some of this is hilarious and people need to experience it

flaaaash — Today at 5:14 AM

akdflaf no go for it

I will out myself as a sham of a storyboarder

Arthur — Today at 5:15 AM

duet is that gif of the ghost busters lady going 'mmm nope not today, room full of nightmares'

and turning and walking away

duet is doing their best and needs a nap

tired as Arthur

flaaaash — Today at 5:15 AM

Duet walking around the corner to see the gang facing down Murder Mystery: swivels on one foot and goes right back the way they came

Arthur — Today at 5:15 AM

ldjldljd EXACTLY

Don't forget to take your meds ❤ — Today at 5:16 AM

Heheheheh

Arthur — Today at 5:16 AM

like look at this person

look at their eyebags

they are Tired

they have deal with this bullshittery

they have sass to provide

but they also are Tired and done with this shit

flaaaash — Today at 5:16 AM

I want Duet and Arthur playing a game of caffeine chicken

Marshy — Today at 5:16 AM

Huge massive sigh as they see the whole bullshit situation go down and turns around to go back to the bookshop

flaaaash — Today at 5:16 AM

just lined up at the cafe bar, espresso shots in rows down the counter as they lock eyes-

who shall win- the CAFFEINE-OFF?

Arthur — Today at 5:17 AM

flash

pls if you right that i will pay you money

or maybe art

Marshy — Today at 5:17 AM

It's me I'll win

flaaaash — Today at 5:17 AM

SLFKJLKGS

Arthur — Today at 5:17 AM

dlasd;sdgkd;djslj;dags

i'm rooting for you take those nerds OUT

flaaaash — Today at 5:18 AM

"Duet gives him a look of Supreme Weariness and Nopery. Arthur counters with a double eye-roll of Resignation and Angst. In the true synchronicity of the Absolutely Done, they each take an espresso shot and slam it down."

Arthur — Today at 5:20 AM

djdasd;ds;lsda;ldj;lkdsl;jkdsj;lkasljkdjlkdg

they clink the little cups together first before taking their respective shots

flaaaash — Today at 5:21 AM

they do the thing where they turn it upside down to prove it's empty

by the fifth they're trying to outcompete each other with anecdotes

by the tenth they've moved onto toasting each other

Arthur — Today at 5:21 AM

Bonding!

Don't forget to take your meds ❤ — Today at 5:22 AM

The anecdotes get concerningly similar to each others

flaaaash — Today at 5:22 AM

by the twelfth, Arthur begins weeping. Duet pats him in solidarity and knocks the next shot clean off the counter due to caffeine-induced twitching

Arthur — Today at 5:22 AM

DSGLAHGLDGHDGHAAHDSGDG

EXCELLENT

i

want them to be friends now

flaaaash — Today at 5:23 AM

by the thirteenth, the barista stages an intervention and starts giving them decaf

by this point, they don't notice 

Arthur — Today at 5:23 AM

asdlaadjsdsajd

thank you they owe you their life

they could taste the difference if they weren't vibrating into the 28the dimension atm

flaaaash — Today at 5:24 AM

after the fifteenth shot, the counter is clear and they're both full of sympathetic outrage for the other's plight. They sprint from the cafe, steamroll right over Shiromori, and punt the colours right out of Murder Mystery in a fit of industrial-strength caffeinated indignance.

Don't forget to take your meds ❤ — Today at 5:24 AM

Hahahaha

Arthur — Today at 5:25 AM

h;lsadlf;dsldj;fsljl;dfsajdfsa

flaaaash — Today at 5:25 AM

The newly Monochromatic Mystery has to then help Vivi contain the pair before they wipe all paranormal activity off the face of Tempo.

Arthur — Today at 5:25 AM

that's how the fifth video ends

flaaaash — Today at 5:25 AM

Lewis narrowly escapes by hiding in a box. THE END

Arthur — Today at 5:25 AM

dsal;gsdhldgsa;dgsdgs;hldgs;lhdsa

beautiful thank u flash

i owe you my life

flaaaash — Today at 5:25 AM

you're welcome it's my magnum opus

Arthur — Today at 5:26 AM

A+ story telling

i'm including it in the post

flaaaash — Today at 5:26 AM

ALKJGAGK

it's okay I don't have a reputation to ruin xD

Arthur — Today at 5:26 AM

dlasdl;dhsgldgdgs

this is a callout for flash being the funniest person alive--

or undead

flaaaash — Today at 5:27 AM

dead-

sfkjga

l

Arthur — Today at 5:27 AM

djdjdjdj

i thought about it and corrected myself xDD

flaaaash — Today at 5:30 AM

ok I have no idea if anyone will get this pun, but I dub this the Esprestissimo AU

Arthur — Today at 5:36 AM

djalsd;ldsjdsjldf

i LOVE THAT

music puns but espressos EXTRA ESPRESSOLY

flaaaash — Today at 5:49 AM

xD

[betweentheracks]

Updates//Recent Inactivity

Hello all! This is me finally taking some time to sit down and offer up a rundown on how life is currently going as a means of explaining my inactivity. This is a personal post that is guaranteed to be both rambling and emotional so if that is not your cup of tea, I understand and happily advise you just skip over this post as it is not relevant to the actual content this blog was intended for.

EDITED: After reading this back I now realize this is really just me spilling the tea on my own life and is laughably dishy in details which is extremely not my usual stance on my personal privacy. But idk, it was cathartic so I'm leaving it as is despite the urge to redact 70% of what I say.

I'll start with the good news that I am officially out of lockdown and have remained COVID-19 free since my return home from the hospital. This also means my son finally was allowed to come home to me which is dazzling and exciting and also a little terrible too. He's at a precocious age where tantrums are the cool way to communicate and having been gone for so long completely thrashing his established routine has caused friction. He came home and his parent was not the same as when he left; is much weaker and less energetic than before, paler and shaky - but also there's the addition of my best friend having moved in to assist and take care of me/him while we all do our best to muddle through.

The readjustment has been rough and a lot of this week has made me incredibly thankful to have practically zero memory of how I was as a child. There have been injuries: I have been whacked in the face with the metal cover for a floor vent while dozing on the sofa instead of paying rapt attention to whatever silliness he was showing off to me, there was his complete dismissal of me asking him to stay back and away from the hot oven as I pulled lunch from it's fiery jaws only to then be faced with a toddler quickly approaching with his hand raised to touch so I naturally made a move to block him and in the process I let go of the oven door which slammed upward and clamped my arm tightly between it and the inside cavern of the oven while it was set to a roasty 400 degrees Fahrenheit - earning me a mangled arm with burns of varying degrees, and then we also had that fit where it seemed like a much more grand idea to scale the babygate cordoning the stairs and I had to rush up them to stop him from tumbling face first down two flights and of course did the falling all on my own and did it backwards then slammed painfully into the wall of the landing. This all happened within a 48hr time frame and makes me wonder why I am so catastrophically inclined.

I have bruises that range the majority of my spine courtesy of the wall and stairs, two minor first degree burns on my forearm that are in the shape of an equals and quite large despite the lack of actual pain I feel from them, and the underside of my forearm was instantly blistered then popped then melted down into a horrid glob of skin mush and sticky red-orange and is a second degree burn that I have been assured is no real cause for concern as long as I tend it with care. In all, I managed to escape my momjuries relatively unscathed and with a child that was scared senseless at having hurt his momma and is quick to listen and never stops cuddling me in the time since. Here's hoping he isn't significantly traumatized from this since exactly none of this is especially his fault and is due to my clumsy, accident-prone status in life.

So yes, The Toddler has returned home to me and after some happenings we have settled and are happy. However, his blast from the past father has suddenly just decided to reemerge after more than a year of radio silence and static and has slapped me with a custody petition. Hooray. While I have no worries on this matter due to my mother working for one of the top custody lawyers in the state and snagging him as my representation, and the utter lack of competency on my estranged baby daddy's end clearly being displayed in literally anything and everything the idiot does/says, I do have to now go through the overhaul of a custody case and that is just so weak and exhaustive. Not to mention the basis of his claims that I am not fit to raise a child are founded in my health concerns and the crazy work schedule I keep; ironically, my health is making it so that I have much less insane hours and makes this fairly moot but to each their own I guess. Also worth noting on this matter is that he only did this now because he was recently placed under penalty for child support back pay and nothing in this world matters to him like his money and this is his special way of getting one over on me for tampering with his meager earnings. (He's a wannabe musician - the soundcloud rapper sort, just so we are all on the same page here). If I thought for even a second this was a genuine desire to be an active and stable parent I would be a lot less pressed to act in favor of making it legally binding that he can only see him under a supervisory condition and share time evenly, but it just is not believable in the slightest.

So the thing is - my health is actually quite dismal presently. I'm due in for open heart surgery on the 8th of April and until then I have been doing my utmost to mind all the nagging I get from doctors, PT specialists, the surgeons that will be slicing and dicing me, and my in-family medical practitioner that sometimes remembers he is also my brother and not just an MD. But like, you guys, this surgery is terrifying and technically is two surgeries rolled into one. They'll be cracking my chest open and then stopping my heart while they lift it from where it sits sweetly unhinged and lopsided in my body and very finely shave away some of the excess muscle that has built up around the wall of my heart as well as some unfriendly scar tissue that has lingered since my last surgery years ago. Granted there is no accidental slip that nicks my ugly gargantuan heart and renders me as good as dead, once this first part is finished the other surgeon will need to be deft and very quick to place this ventricular assisting piece in the valve that has all but given up on functioning altogether and do so in the time remaining before the time limit for my heart being essentially unplugged from by body is up, which would also feasibly mean my death. Lots of exciting and terrible sounding consequences, am I right?

Well let's bear it in mind that I am just below 30 in age and therefore not duly experienced in the realm of facing down my own mortality via making all necessary legal arrangements and managing my affairs and assets so that, in event of my untimely death, the custody case still doesn't stand a chance of snatching my son away to the sad misfortune of being raised by a man that has stated openly he only has interest in his kids so far as what they can do for him/get for him in terms of benefit and that he would be unwilling to be hypocritical and never deter his children from drugs and a lifestyle of extremely questionable moral integrity and hygiene alike. Eugh. But I also have had to make sure there is a DNR in place just in case things go wrong during the operation, my will has also been finalized and notarized, all my savings and financial/material assets have been squared away to come into my child's inheritance when he is of age and, most importantly, a document that states clear and direct instructions for him to be placed in care of my mother or, if she is unwilling or incapable, he will be under custodial order and guardianship of my best friend whom he has always viewed as a pseudo-dad anyway. Legally binding and even in light of the paternity petition this document supersedes parental right by way of the provided evidence I have submitted to prove a lack of parental credibility. That's right, I spent days lowkey stalking and sleuthing about to capture what I needed to show this man for what he actually is and I have precisely zero guilt or shame for doing it; this is my child on the line and that means momma doesn't have to play by the rules of snitches getting stitches or whatever other scary street rules he tosses at me as idle threats. (He's done this routinely for all the years I have known him, and it is somehow both pathetic and hilarious because he knows for a fact that, if I wanted, I could throttle him in less time than it would take for him to form a rational thought between his drug soaked braincells - I was also a person of less than savory character not too long ago and can handle myself very well. But I digress because I am losing my track of thought.

After the surgery I will have so damn much PT and rehab, all of which will be specific to varying parts of my body that will need to be reworked and strengthened. Weeks, months of it really. This surgery is major and hits heavy enough that I will be in the hospital for at least 10-14 days just recovering from it without taking into consideration any number of complications that could pop up. Hell, if they get in there and find a situation worse than they currently have an understanding of in the limited capacity of cardiology tech can provide of such a gnarled beastly heart and realize they can't really do anything with it after all, I'll be added to the transplant list. I think this is more daunting to consider than the surgery, honestly.

In that way that doctors have about them, I was "comforted" by being informed that this was an inevitability and I would have been faced with this in a matter of years - less than a handful actually - but the way COVID-19 chewed through me sped it up. I'm sure my years of substance issues were also very helpful in this endeavor, but either way I still am unsure whether I feel better knowing this or not? Mostly I think I feel conflicted and hopeful tempered with the caution of life being super shady in the ways it has often brought me to the doorsteps of dying in situations that seem like odd chance. I also am gifted with being so capable in jinxing myself that I brought myself to COVID-19 ("The way life is going I'll probably square up with Rona next week or some bullshit." Positive test flagged within the following week) and also into labor ("Watch me go into labor on Labor Day since that would be the sort of universal pun that would strike my bad penny having ass." Indeed hatched my youngling on Labor Day of that year) by saying some things within the scope of my bad humor that instantly manifested as reality so I'm not taking any risks here lol.

The gist is that life is really stirring up the winds over here and so I haven't been online and posting anything that would make my blog valid in a fat minute. I do apologize for this and also for the fact that this post took me nearly a week to type up, but when things calm a little I will be back in full. For the time being I will be sporadic and do what I can when I can!

Thanks to anyone that read this mess all the way here! And a big thank you to all of you still supporting me!

[notquitecanon]

New Routines// Criminal Minds x Marvel Crossover pt. 4

Part One   Part Two   Part Three 

“So Captain Rogers,” you started, watching him look around the room in curiosity before he corrected you.

“Please, call me Steve, ma’am.” He nodded, eyes settling on the computer sitting on your desk. You nodded in return, pretended to take note of that but actually scribbling notes about his body language. You had already worked up a ridiculously preliminary profile on the three-hour train from DC, but the combination of the extenuating circumstances and outdated material made it hard to get a feel for his personality. You scratched out ‘profile’, and wrote down Psychological Eval at the top of your notes. It would be easy enough to bend a normal psych eval and throw around a few improvised questions for Steve. 

“Alright, Steve, as long as you don’t call me Ma’am.” You smiled, before continuing, “Like Director Fury told you, I’m just here to assess how you’re doing mentally. As he said, my name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” 

You paused, a snap decision to tell him a little about yourself flashed through your mind. You hoped it give him a little confidence in your work, or at the very least build some rapport. “I formally worked in the FBI, with the BAU. I was recruited to SHIELD a little under a year ago. Before we get started, do you have any questions?”

“Sorry, what is the BAU? And Director Fury said something about a Psych Eval.” He asked, one eyebrow raised, and hands folding in his lap. You smiled, apologizing quietly.

“BAU, behavioral analysis unit. We’re specially trained to ‘profile’. We use behavioral cues to analyze, prevent, and catch criminals. But, this can also be used just to learn about people and how/why they do what they do. And a Psych Eval is just a series of questions that helps me understand where you are mentally with what’s going on.” You watched him listen intently as you explained. “If you have any more questions, please feel free to stop me. Ready?”

And with a nod, you began as you flipped to a blank page. Most questions were fairly standard for an evaluation, and he answered flawlessly- showing you that he could at least come off as well balanced, but he also seemed exceedingly genuine. Forty-five minutes later, you were nodding along as he answered a question. Finally, it came to a natural pause long enough for you to interject, “Thank you for your honesty, and due to the uniqueness of this situation, I’ve drafted a few questions for you. 

The blonde man in front of you, nodded eyes catching a helicopter outside the window. When he zeroed back in on you, you smiled before reading off the question, “As you’ve seen, a lot has changed. And while I know you haven’t had a chance to explore, what seems to be the biggest change?”

“Well, obviously, there’s the physical things. Clothes are different, the city is different- I almost didn’t recognize Time’s Square. I don’t know if I’ll ever wrap my head around technology- computers used to be the size of a room, and now they’re barely radio sized. But, the biggest change is the people.” He explained, eyes looking past you and out of the window to the New York streets.  His interest piqued your interest. 

“Can you elaborate on that?” You asked as you shorthanded notes. He paused, collecting his thoughts before continuing while looking at his hands. 

“I mean this with all due respect. You. Director Fury. The people on the street. People have changed. You’re a woman who was a field agent for the FBI, I only knew a few women who carried a gun in the 40′s and they had to work endlessly just to get a foot in the door. You take orders from an African American man and people genuinely respect him, no more segregation. That’s amazing, I didn't think I’d ever get to see that. People seem more abrasive on the street, but are so much more accepting.” He seemed to ramble, but every word was perfectly chosen.  Not knowing what else to say, you softly smiled bobbing your head up and down.

“A lot of that progress was actually made in the 60′s/70′s and still even today.” You remarked, finishing off your notes as you looked up to him. He smiled down at his hands before meeting your eyes. 

“Well, if I woke up and nothing had changed- I’d be a whole lot more worried.” 

Immediately after you excused yourself, you were ushered into a meeting with Director Fury. He quickly skirted around his desk and into his seat, leaning into his desk as he prompted, “Well...?”

You quirked an eyebrow, cocking your head to the side, “Well what, sir?”

His good eye narrowed in on you, deadpanning as he continued, “Could he work in the Avenger’s initiative?”

You sighed, flipping through your notes. “Do you want him because you think he’s a good fit, or because he’s an American Hero and the public will react well?”

He just stared at you, tell you your answer. Finally, he continued, “Are you telling me he’s not a good fit?” 

“I don’t know yet, There’s still a lot to learn.” You nodded, not liking the gut feeling you got. You had a lot of respect for the director, but every now and then his hidden intentions made you uneasy. 

“Like what?” He pressed, voice stern as he leaned in. You slid the file across the desk as you squared your jaw. 

“Well, I only did a baseline, slightly modified psych eval. He fell asleep in 1945 and woke up in 2011- like every veteran, it’s likely he has PTSD, which he would know as shell shock or combat fatigue.” You began, eyebrows furrowing at the eccentricity of the situation, “He’ll need to be reintroduced to society, socialized to today’s societal norms. And that could arise or create issues all in of its own.”

Fury flipped open the files, eyes darting over your notes as the two of you fell into silence. It was a loaded silence, and you felt the pressure of it as you watched it. Slowly, your brain ticked through ideas. “Sir, I may have an idea?” 

He motioned for you to speak without looking up from the file, you nodded as you began training your eyes on the hair tie you were fiddling with, “First, you move him to DC. Closer to SHIELD headquarters first of all. Secondly, New York’s a lot to take in any way.  DC is still a big city, but is less likely to overwhelm him as much. Over a period of 6 months, you can assign an agent to reintroduce him to the world. Monthly, have him meet with a psychologist to gauge his progress. In six months- that would be June, right?- I’ll meet with him again.”

You paused, looking up to see Fury watching you intently, so you kept going, “Then, after the six months, I’ll draw up an official profile, and we can revisit the Avenger’s Initiative conversation then.” 

He stared at you for a moment, eye narrowing before nodding, “We’ll cut out the middle man. You’ll be in charge of getting him out in the world, and monthly you’ll report to me about his progress. In six months, we’ll discuss his involvement in SHIELD.” 

Your eyes widened and you resisted the urge to drop your jaw, “Sir, you want me... babysitting... Captain America?” 

He smirked, the file in his hand slapping against the pristine desk. 

“Think of it as real-time profiling.” He chuckled as he walked out of the room. You couldn’t do anything more than gape after him. 

____

Two weeks later, coming up on the end of January, Steve was issued a clean bill of health- even with the super immunity, they played it safe by revaccinating and running a ridiculous amount of tests- and the two of you were relocated to DC. In those two weeks, you set to work. You were issued a SHIELD credit card, to use for ‘Steve related costs’- funnily enough, Steve was still awarded his pension, adjusted for inflation. You bought him furniture, new clothes, a cellphone, and tracked down his belongings. You mentally thanked Howard Stark for paying to have Steve’s belongings stored.

Annoyingly enough, they placed you back in your old apartment which made it incredibly annoying to unpack your belongings. Steve was your upstairs neighbor. He was almost your next-door neighbor, but you suggested even a floor's worth of distance would give him a better feeling of independence. You had gotten the feeling that Steve valued his privacy.  You now regretted your suggestion as you heard him pace around at all hours of the night. Despite sneaking into several Nazi bases, he was a very loud walker. 

Despite his nocturnal habits, Steve was nothing but polite and thankful as you helped him. He’d been extremely attentive when you taught him the basics of how to use his cell phone (how to add contacts, make calls, text, take pictures, download apps and music, use google), and he picked it up pretty fast. It was a slower process teaching him how to cook, so for the first few weeks, he usually ate with you, or stuck to sandwiches. You got him 

The task that truly overwhelmed you was figuring out how to go about actually reintroducing him. Coma victims felt lost enough after a month, but 72 years (give or take) was a long time- and a lot had happened. Politics, History, Technology, Culture, Pop Culture. The task made your head spin. Spencer was a big help, more than happy to take you up on your challenge of creating a thorough timeline of everything he could think of- which was a lot. Everything from politics to pop culture, but you redacted the bits about the serial killer knowledge. 

The timeline was very helpful, as Steve would break it down by decade. In the 1950′s he took interest in rock ‘n’ roll (he was not a fan), the Korean war, the beginnings of Vietnam, Alaska and Hawaii becoming a state, and the invention of color TV. Then in the 1960′s, it was JFK (election and assassination), The Space Race (he was astonished that not only was there a man on the moon, but we also had colored video of it), integration of Ole Miss (and then consequently the Riots of Ole Miss), the Cold War, Cuban Missile Crisis, The Beatles, Civil Rights movement, the height of Vietnam, and Nixon.

Steve decided he was better off for sleeping through the sixties, “There was a lot going on, even in the 40′s I was basically propaganda for Stocks and Bonds, who knows what I would have “represented” with all that going on.”  

Then in the 70′s, it was Disney World, the end of Vietnam, Star Wars, death of Elvis, and things becoming digitalized. 80′s was similar: the election of Reagan, first space shuttle launch, assassination attempts on Reagan and the Pope, first female supreme court judge, first woman in space, Chernobyl, decommissioning of nuclear warheads, and the fall of the Berlin wall.  Then in the 90′s, it was the Hubble telescope, Gulf War, dissolvent of the Soviet Union, OJ Simpson trial, and successful cloning of a Dolly the sheep. And then, the most modern, the 2000s, the second Bush presidency, 9/11, invasion of Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, the rise of cell phones, first iPhone, North Korean tension, the election of  Obama, and death of Osama Bin Laden. 

You were very careful to keep most of your opinions to yourself, as it was very important to let Steve decide his own opinions. When he wanted to know more about the subject, you always jumped in to help him research- it was like a refresher course in World History. (Spencer Reid was a constant contact, and you were grateful he didn’t ask what you were up to, and Garcia was amazing at finding playlists to really explore the music of the decades, and for fashion trends.) 

Like Natasha, Steve had become a friend. Believe it or not, under all that 1940′s manner and modesty, he had a good sense of humor. And after spending nearly all of his time with you, he finally loosened up and showed you. Of course, it helped that he was honestly one of the best guys you knew. He was honest, well-mannered- a perfect gentleman. Just as you listened to him, he listened to you when you were having problems (usually when one of the BAU got hurt or was going through something). Helping him get used to the world felt less like an assignment and more like off time. 

It took a while, but by March you settled into a weekly routine. Monday/Wednesday was reserved to show Steve around the city, exploring new things and old- introducing him to new and old things. Fortunately, DC was a hotspot for museums that Steve seemed to enjoy. Over the past two months, he seemed to warm up to you- you’d even dare to call yourselves friends. Tuesday was reserved for Natasha, she’d come and hang out with you- and work out with you, you might have passed your field test, but that didn’t satisfy her. 

“I’ve seen a lot of agents that passed this test get their asses handed to them. I’d rather not see you do the same. Well, unless I’m the one doing it.” She smirked after, in fact, heading your ass to you. You’d just rolled your eyes and get up to go again. “But you are getting better. It’s getting slightly more difficult to hand your ass to you.”

Afterward, she’d hand you a water bottle and take you to lunch/dinner. Every now and then, Clint would come with her. You and Clint weren’t close, but it was comforting to know he tolerated you. Or at least pretended to for Natasha’s sake. 

Thursdays were reserved for the BAU, when they were in town. Sometimes that meant stopping by the office with coffee offerings and ‘book club’ with Reid, and sometimes that meant ‘family dinner’ at Rossi’s. Derek slowly seemed to completely forgive you, but still gave you shit on a near-daily basis. Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia made girl’s night a more frequent event, and you were still working on convincing Nat to come with you one night. And on the rarest of occasions, Hotch would call you up to babysit Jack. 

Fridays were to recover from Thursday nights- (Surprisingly babysitting was almost exhausting as a night of drinking at Rossi’s). Friday afternoons were reserved for Fury to call you and harass you for details about Steve. 

Weekends were for larger expeditions like taking Steve to neighboring cities. Boston, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and Richmond were all on the shortlist, and New York was a constant. Thankfully, Sunday ( or at least Sunday Afternoon) was reserved for you. 

That was your time to rest, relax, and recharge. On rare Sundays that you were already home, Steve would stop by after his morning run after picking up coffee and breakfast from his favorite breakfast place you had shown him- an old fashioned diner with amazing breakfast- as a small thank you for your help. (Truthfully, you only knew about it because Gideon had treated the whole team to breakfast after the jet landed one day at six AM).

But on most Sundays, you got home mid-afternoon. You’d run some errands, maybe cook yourself dinner and a movie. But most importantly, you were home and ready to rest and relax.  

So at 7:23 PM, you were startled out of a nap by your phone vibrating off your desk. You shot up looking for the source of the disturbance, slowly becoming aware of your surroundings as you dove off the couch for the offending device. Quickly reading the caller ID, you tried to clear the sleep out of your voice as you picked up. 

“Hotch?” You asked drowsily, propping yourself back up on your elbows as you drug yourself up. Your eyebrows crinkled, it had been a long time since you got an impromptu call from Hotch. 

“(Y/N), we need you to come in.” He started, straight to the point as usual. Your mind became steadily more cleared as you wrenched yourself off the comfortable couch. “We have a case, and it’s bigger than we can handle. We’re calling in JJ as well.” 

You were speeding into the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee- knowing this phone call meant a long night- as you responded, “Hotch, you know I want to. That I’d be back in the BAU in an instant. But I have to get clearance from my supervisors, take off of my assignments, and that could take-” 

Your worries were cut off by both Hotch’s voice and a knock on your door. You listened to Hotch’s voice as you set out a mug before letting Steve in- not even sticking around long enough to smile at him as you returned to the kitchen. 

“You’re already cleared, and cleared to use SHIELD intelligence. Anderson is coming to get you in 30 minutes. Pack a go-bag. You’ll be briefed in person. This is highly sensitive.” His voice was stern, but you picked up on how fast he was talking- a habit he had when was anxious. You bit your lip, putting the mug back in the cabinet and retrieving a travel cup instead. 

“Hotch...” You paused, eyes flicking to Steve who looked at you with concern in his blue eyes, he’d probably just come back from an evening run and was hoping to mooch off your dinner, “Is everyone alright? Are you safe?” 

“It’s Emily. I’ll see you soon.” 

And with that the line went silent with a click. You sighed, relishing the last minute of peace before spurring into action. Leaving your phone on the counter, you went to retrieve your old go-bag. Steve was hot on your heels, “(Y/L/N), is everything alright?”

You didn’t miss a beat, retreating into your bedroom- which Steve never followed you into, instead, waiting in the hall as you threw things into a bag. You shoved business clothes in, neglecting the pajamas- knowing the team wouldn’t sleep until the case was solved. Dry shampoo, face wash, deodorant, toothbrush and paste, and makeup were quick to follow; these were the toiletries that you could use in a police station bathroom to freshen up. Just like old times. You’d honestly forgotten to answer Steve’s question, mind-boggling all of the very few details Hotch gave you. 

He’s calling JJ in- so this is a multibranch operation, probably organized crime, It involves Emily, she worked for Interpol, so international organized crime... You breezed past Steve again, tossing your bag onto the couch and gently tossing your SHIELD tablet on top of it. Just as quickly, you turned to go back to the bedroom but ran smack into the super-soldier. You’d almost forgotten he was there. But he grabbed your arm, minding his strength so it didn’t feel threatening. “(Y/N), what’s wrong?” 

Even with the analytical part of your brain working through the situation, you couldn’t help but worry for your friend and the possible danger she was in. You wanted to cry but knew it wouldn’t help anything, instead, you took a deep breath, “My old team just called me in, there’s a case they need my help with. One of my friends might be in danger. If they’re calling me in, it has to be bad.”

He slowly let go of your arm, and you could tell his mind was somewhere else, but he offered a quiet sentiment as he let you pass, “With you on the case, your friend has nothing to worry about.” 

Not knowing what else to say, you retreated back to your room to get dressed. After slipping into some of your old work clothes, you attached your holster and slid your loaded gun into it. Taking a deep breath, you looked in the mirror, Just treat it like a routine case. You don’t even know if Prentiss is even hurt. Just do your job. 

____

You repeated that in your head as you buzzed about the apartment, finally, with Anderson ten minutes out, you shouldered your bags to leave, or at least to wait outside. Nervous energy bubbled in your stomach as you turned to the blonde who was still eyeing you with worry, “I shouldn’t be gone more than a few days. You should be fine but if not, call Fury and he’ll send someone. There are leftovers in my fridge. I’ll have my phone if you need me and-”

Steve cut you off with a soft smile, knowing your rambling wasn’t an insult, “(Y/N), I’m a grown man. I lived on my own for years before I was even a soldier. I’ll be fine.” 

You sighed, running a hand through your hair and smiling apologetically “Sorry, Steve, I know.” 

“Just be careful, don’t do anything stupid or reckless.” He ordered. This time you actually smiled, recalling all the stories of his own reckless stupidity. 

“That’s your MO, Mr. I’ll Sky Dive into a Nazi base by myself.” You teased, pausing when your phone dinged. Anderson was waiting. Steve chuckled, ducking his hand and crossing his arms over a broad chest. 

“Yeah, yeah.” He chuckled as you turned to leave, “Seriously, be careful.”

You turned back for a moment, nodding your head like a promise, “I will.” 

_________

Shorter than usual and I don’t really like it, but I think Y’all know what’s coming. Also, should I put a romantic interest in this?? 

Taglist: @irishfaulk97 @viarogers @toboldlyscream @benji-booxx

[tigerincahoots]

🍎🍊

𝐅𝐑𝐔𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒   ♡   𝐒𝐘𝐌𝐁𝐎𝐋 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental

In any official record, Kevin’s mental state is stable and he’s fit for duty. He has a clear sight on the goals and he knows what to do in order to achieve a high percentage of success when it comes to the ultimate goal. Unofficially, the story is much, much different. His mental record is sealed and mostly redacted so no one truly knows the extent of the mental damage Kevin had endured through the years. He possesses a need to control everything --- probably passed on by his father who raised Kevin to be the perfect soldier. Everything that he cannot control ultimately leads to violent anger outbursts with chances of deep depression afterward. Kevin also seems to lack a certain degree of empathy for he does not care about the ill-fate of others. If they die, they did. If they suffer, they probably have it coming. His social skills are trained and refined for he knows how to act and how to behave according to what other people want to see --- however, he does not have a clear goal of what he wants for himself. Kevin also suffers from extreme PTSD from several of the deployments that leave him unable to sleep a full night, often tormented by nightmares of things that he had seen and done. Due to his childhood, Kevin never really learned how to be a kid. He rarely played with others and his constant need to seek approval from his father figure left him with a severely damaged ego as well as severe daddy issues ( anyone brings this up to Kevin other than his brother and he will break your nose in three different places ). Overall, Kevin’s mental state is all about the endgame. Sex is a coping mechanism and for him to get close to someone else on an emotional level requires months of preparation and patience since he does not know how to behave properly with someone who legitimately cares about his well-being. To Kevin, everyone has an agenda and everyone wants something ( which brings the trust issues ). In the end, he’s a fragmented man with anger and trust issues, too independent to let someone determine what he should do and too emotionally vulnerable to even know how to behave next to someone who actually cares about him. Kevin’s broken and he knows it. 

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes?  

Kevin has no idea what romance is. At least, not when it comes to his own person. He saw the movies, he saw couples on the streets being all cute and cuddly --- and quite frankly --- that makes him want to vomit. Due to his upbringing, emotions are not something that Kevin knows how to deal with. He’s not immune to feeling things but how he acts on those same thoughts is different than most people. He doesn’t seek romance or wants it for in his head, being in love with someone else is giving that person power over him. It also adds a weakness that could be exploited by others. Kevin does not seek out romance unless ‘romance’ is flirting with a stranger at a bar and have sex in a bathroom stall or a dark alley. There is no place to love in his life. He wouldn’t know what to do with it even if it slapped him across the face. Kevin’s too scared to fall for someone mostly because he is highly aware that he is damaged goods and that he’s a handful to deal with. But just because he doesn’t want it... it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t need it. The prospect of emotional stability is something that he would require --- for someone to remind him that he’s human and more than just a weapon whose trigger can be pulled at any given moment. Romance is something he does not believe on --- but that doesn’t make it any less real.

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Blood, tears and sea breeze

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

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Chapter 11: Deja Vu

Danny Latimer's cliff, as the locals start calling it even when they already knew he was never tossed from there, was covered by a thick mist and the sea breeze coming from the ocean ahead of him was forcing Alec to lower his head and look at his feet.

For some reason he had listened to her and he was barefoot in the middle of that cold, however the soft hand pulling him to the edge was warm enough to make him ignore everything else.

She was dancing barefoot in the grass, in a floral dress that flew in the wind but was starting to get damp, and he was about to give her his jacket before she could catch a cold.

"Is beautiful isn't it?" Y/N said standing dangerously close to the edge and looking down to the sand hundreds of feet below. "It kind of makes you wanna jump"

"Why would you do that?" He said trying to pull her back to him, once she rise one leg in the air, taking an imaginary step.

"I don't, that's the point detective, also I wouldn't drag you down with me" Y/N said turning aside and rising her hand along with his, now being held by tight and big handcuffs. "Even when you put me here"

Her dress was gone and instead there was the prison white onesie on her, and her eyes were darkened by big bags underneath them, and he took a step away from her backwards crashing to something, he turned around to face Jonathan Norbury with a sad smile on his face.

"She did this" he said and bloodied spots were now visible on his clothes. "You know she did this" he repeated and then his legs finally responded and he tried to run...

Hardy wake up covered in sweat, disoriented since he was not in bed, but then he remembered, and his heart slowly went back to its normal rhythm. He look at clock on the wall 3:00 a.m. so he went to his office to try and get some work done before sunrise, he paced around the floor and finally decided to unlock her door, and cursed himself for getting sentimental about a simple dream.

Doctor Florence had sent him her medical records now under the proper police protocol, much to her dismay and he was reading it throughly, on a note in the margin she had written "Previously treated by a bawbag" he wondered who her previous physician was that make that educated woman talk, or write, like that.

Her actual diagnosis were Dissociative Amnesia, and General Anxiety Disorders, wich meant she sometimes have fugue states where she could do or say things she would later won't remember and also have panic attacks.

That only gave him more questions than answers but he kept reading. Apparently apart from those separate events the one at the bar and the one at school there was no recollection of other episodes in the last five years, at the time she meet Jonathan, and the lowest point of her condition, as he suspected, had been when her parents died.

There was a long list of medication she had been prescribed since she was 7 years old, among wich highlighted in green was Rohypnol, next to another pencil note "Numpty bastard" and he knew enough about the drug to understand the psychiatrist anger. She had removed every medication when she started treating her with good results until last Saturday, where she was completely absent for about forty minutes, according to her friend Ashley.

He made a mental note to ask her about that incident again since he haven't meet her personally, but that event kept coming back, and maybe there was something else to that night worth following.

He was completely absorbed in his reading that he didn't notice the sun rising on the shore, and only realized it was a new day when a loud noise came from somewhere in the house.

With all his senses in alert he took the gun he kept in a safe in his bottom drawer and walk outside his home office. The living room was empty, and he knocked on his bedroom without and answer, he opened the door and the room was empty with the bed well made.

He rushed to the kitchen and the smell of fresh coffee and fried sausages took him by surprise. She was in front of his stove, wearing the same floral dress from his dream when he get there, and when she turned around for a brief moment he feared she would give him that sad haunted look that had waked him up, but she just had a surprise concerned look, and put the pan with the sausages down, rising her hands defeated.

"I'm sorry, that's a bit excessive isn't it?" She said pointing at his gun, and he embarrassed put it back on his pants.

"I heard a noise" He explained himself nervous "What are you doing?"

"Breakfast, or something like breakfast, you don't have much on your fridge, I mean broadchurch justice system can't survive if you go buy groceries?" She asked, and he didn't respond and only gave her the same look he give Miller when she showed at his house with food "Cups?" She asked and he pointed at a cabinet, although he was sure she already knew where everything was. "Coffee or tea?"

"I'm fine... thank you" he said and she ignored him and served him a cup anyway.

"I didn't poisoned it" she said once two plates were served and he kept staring at her.

"Where did you get those clothes?" He asked finally siting across the table from her.

"In London, it was a gift" She said and he raised an eyebrow "Beth went to my place after they gathered all the evidence and they gave her permission to bring me some clothes, I was getting tired of the donations, but don't tell Paul"

She ate his breakfast and barely look at him, so he did the same, finding completely odd that since Daze left he haven't use the kitchen island to have breakfast, spending most of his time at Miller's place or the Latimer's.

"So what time are we going to the station?" Y/N asked trying to sound casual, but he could note the fear in her voice.

"Miller is coming in a few minutes" he said looking at the clock, 7:45 am "But we are not going to the station"

"But I thought I'll have to get another evaluation" she said with some relief in her voice.

"You do, but since we don't have someone capable at the station, and that it is a very distressing environment we are going to paid a visit to doctor Florence" he said and she nodded, she stand up to pick the dishes. He saw his reflection on the metal napkin holder, and realized he needed to change his clothes so he excuse himself.

"You are not concerned I might runaway?" She asked playful while she opened the kitchen faucet, and he stop cold on his steps. "I'm kidding" she said and he kept walking.

By the time he was out of the shower and properly dressed he was taken by surprise since she was comfortably curled on his couch, reading a book, and an unfamiliar feeling form in his stomach, he coughed to call her attention and she looked guilty and flustered at him.

"Oh I'm sorry, you have a very interesting collection" She said putting the book aside, it was the script from a play Look Back in Anger "John Osborne, quite cynical" she said, and he tried to remind what that one was about.

"My..." he clear his throat "ex wife gave it to me"

"Why she thought you were Jimmy?" She said, and he almost blush remembering that the protagonist abandons and cheats on his wife Allison with her best friend.

"More like Allison" he said after a while.

"Oh that's worse" She said with a grin, and before he could answer with something clever, his mouth had gone dry when he saw her smile, Miller knocked on the door.

"Morning" she said giving a polite nod to Y/N and an inquisitive look at Hardy. "Are we ready sir?"

They walked outside his house with the teacher in the back seat, in almost complete silence, interrupted by Miller and Y/N's comments on the weather. By the time they arrived at the doctor's office it was empty and Alec wondered if she had made that on purpose for them. She greeted them and she looked very carefully at Miller making him anxious, he sited down while she filled the legal formalities before the test.

"Bit of a deja vu" Y/N said, and he didn't understand her "The first time I saw you, I mean you had a sweater not a suit, but I have this dress, so is kind of the same" She smiled and his mind was partially calmed since now he knew why it looked so familiar. "Wish me luck" she said once she passed next to him to get inside the office, he only gave her a nod, and she rolled her eyes at him with a smile.

"She is going to be there a while, have you eat?" Miller said after fifteen minutes.

"Yeah, I had breakfast earlier" He said, not giving much attention.

"Really? When?" She said since it was not his regular behavior.

"At home, Y/N..." Miller eyes went wide and he was not sure of what to say "Miss Y/L/N cooked some sausages and coffee" again that unfamiliar sensation in his stomach.

"That's interesting" She said and he knew she wanted to say something else but he was not in the mood to listen.

The doctor emerged after a while, and talk to them while the woman was still in her office.

"Well, your initial evaluation was more or less accurate" she said, looking at the paper the psychologist of the station had redacted. "She is non violent, and her mental state is basically stable, however yesterday event appears to be induced by the extreme emotional pressure she is enduring"She said and gave them a written report with more or less the same information.

"And? What about the man she said she saw at the bar, or the person driving her fiance's car?" Alec asked, but Miller already had anticipated the doctor's answer.

"There are technics to recover memories" she started calmly "But they are of no use in court for how easily the information can be contaminated with the examiner biases, also she would be in a very vulnerable mental state" she said concerned first and foremost by her patient mental health.

"So you can't do it?" Miller said, knowing now how easily evidence could turn against them in court.

"I can, but I will strongly recommend Miss Y/L/N contact her lawyer first, and have a proper discussion before she decides to do such a thing."

"I'll do it" Her voice surprised them, she was standing in front of the doctor's office. "I don't want a lawyer, so far I don't think I need one, and if I did something bad, I think I need to know, can we do it today?"

"Y/N, this is not an easy procedure, and much of the things you'll see won't be real, you should really think about it" the doctor said concerned, and Ellie thought she was right and was hoping the teacher would listen, maybe with a lawyer present she would no longer had that unsettling feeling about her staying at Hardy's house.

"I have think about it, and you don't know how bad it is to have a piece of your life in complete darkness, I need to know, and the detectives can be in the interrogation, if this brings some light to Jonathan's case, I have to do it" She said, and Hardy tried his best to look away from her.

"Fine, if that is your choice is fine" the doctor said.

"Can she do it today then?" Alec said finally.

"Sure, wait here for a moment and we can do it" she said and call her assistant to get her equipment ready.

Y/N sitted on the waiting room while Hardy looked at Miller with one of those understanding glances they used to share before, she was worried about him being too involved, and he was worried about Y/N's well being, and even when this was a necessary step in the investigation it also was concerning.

Half an hour later Dr. Florence called them in, and the three of them went inside, feeling that something was definitely about to change.

Tag list:

@allonsymexgirl @laciesaito @tf18unipups @dazedkrosupreme @timey-wimey-lovi

[hellbabyfromhell]

why (if you don’t mind me asking) is your house taking such a large toll on your mental health? Im sure you’ve explained it already but... I’m out of the loop

i havent explained it, and tbh i didnt explain it to my friends fr a long time because i felt guilty AND embarrassed even though i should have just been madif you happen to know these people irl, i respectfully ask you dont share this with them. i need to speak to them at my own time in my own way. its long

basically my (then gf, now ex’s) fmaily “took me in” right after my dad traumatically died right in front of me and ruined my brain. i was all fucked up and they “took me in”. i felt very safe with them. but the way it ended up was with them  bleeding me dry with money because ive been  paying my ex’s rent since my dad died, and if you know me you know thats a long, long time. now, i felt that i owed it to them because they took care of me when my dad died, and that kept me from changing things despite everyone’s warnings, saying they were using and taking advantage of me. but they called me their daughter, they cared about me, i thought. but it really went downhill abruptly......it started with small disrespects. first off, i’m paying half the rent of this townhome for an uninsulated attic with no central air or heat on the third floor. it is alternatingly freezing and fucking makes-you-nauseous hot. this family tried to convince me that i had vents and they were just covered by my trash lol and thats why my attic is worth [REDACTED] (its too much). when i literally showed them the floor plans and there was no vent they basically just went Oh.

Then, they changed my name on the neflix account to my ex’s mom’s mom’s name, because there were too many people on the netflix to make a new profile, so they changed MY name, rather than rowan’s boyfriend or their random ass friend, ME, who pays HALF THE RENT AT THIS HOUSE. that seems petty but its like, im really the least important out of everyone?then came the thing that made me really start reviewing my situation:my ex asked to come over, and they said yes. THEY said yes. not me. this was like maybe a week or two max after we broke up. ex’s mom texted me to say “okay, he’s coming over” and i was like “:0( okay thats fine but i wish you’d told me before cementing down stuff because thats a little inconsiderate” and she was like “Well it would have been inconsiderate of me not to tell you at all.” I thought that was really disrespectful bcause like, they REALLY didnt know our situation at all, and i live on the third floor so if i needed something from the kitchen or something id have to walk past my ex because my ex and my ex’s mom wanted to be fucking friends. it was weird and rude and she would NOT budge on the idea of INVITING MY EX INTO MY HOME WITHOUT CONFIRMING WITH ME being rude!!!!!and then i started looking back, and likethis is one of the worst things, like a couple months after my dad died, i was like catatonic, barely present, sick with grief and majorly traumatized. and these people had me sel my father’s car, with everything in it, so that my ex could get a new car “to drive me around safer : )”...... now i have to BEG to get a ride down the street to baskin robbins unless someone themself needs something. i gave up my father’s car and everything inside of it for this, and they let me. at the time it hurt too much to look at but i wish with everything i could have what i left in that car. i will never forgive them for that. i have so  little of him and some of out favorite things were in that car and i know they knew that.ive mentioned moving out a couple times and they always say “well give 2 months notice!” done. i have. but they kept saying i needed to stay longer or convincing me it was bad to leave until the ex’s mom’s bf needed surgery and then now i cant leave till after january. i wasnt happy about this at all but i was like Okay well i guessbut then the other night, the ex’s mom’s bf (who has his own medical card) had the audacity to get mad at me for not wanting to get him a bunch vape carts from the dispensary i JUST got hired at even though id just bought a lot, AND HE WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE SMOKING!!!. he asked me a favor and i said i was uncomfy with it and he went fucking off on me. 

this is a little snippet. i know you dont know everything just from what im telling you, but what i can say i have done a TON for this family, and this is NOT the only thing he has asked me for, and i don’t know if the doctor prescribed him crack rock because all he does is sit in the living room and watch kill la kill. i was so disappointed in him because i thought he was least complicit and it turns out he hd some issue with me. i’ve done a lot for this family. it was really hurtful.since this i never leave my room, they rarely address me if i do or look right through me. the ex’s mom’s bf asked to speak once in a way that implied that he expected a sorry from me too. you ma believe this to be once sided, but i believe with my whole heart i have done not a thing wrong. i don’t want to apologize. it’s been about 5 weeks now i feel like and they have barely spoken to me. they laugh wildly downstairs and don’t feel even a bit bad that i never come downstairs. that i have to rush around to get packages. that i never use the kitchen or am anywhere near it (not that id want to be because its always stacked high with dirty dishes). my ex’s mom lost her job staying home too much from an illness that shouldnt affect her working since she works a desk job an all she does at home is sit on the couch, do nails, ply overwatch, watch safiya nyagaard and hang out with their friends. i never go downstairs because i feel like its not my home. also my ex’s mom’s bf walks around all hours of the night now so i never feel safe to go downstairs EVER so i ration water and food and when i go to te bathroom people jiggle the doorknob and i say IM IN HERE :0( and also my ex’s mom’s bf walks around puking with the door open  and blowing his nose (he did this pre surgery too) and i just am going crazy here i have to get out. they dont give a shit about me . i dont know if i sound entitled, but it really does suck but i feel so trapped. this isnt my house. OH , and when i sked about moving out ex’s mom said well if we all paid the same amoun it’d be [200 less] .  theyre using me and dont care and i hate being here and it’s making me really want to die. thank you, it kinda felt good to let that out

[thesinglesjukebox]

LADY GAGA - STUPID LOVE

[6.42]

Far from "Shallow" now...

Brad Shoup: Thudding sixteenths and vocal chop straight out of a Todd Edwards remix... it's always great when she visits. [8]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: It must be exhausting to be Lady Gaga. Here's a short list of her accomplishments since 2013's ARTPOP: winning a Grammy for a jazz duets album, winning a Golden Globe for her role in American Horror Story, headlining the Super Bowl, co-hosting arguably the best Met Gala in years, winning an Oscar for A Star is Born, getting a number one Billboard single from the soundtrack, launching a vegan make-up line, and starring in a Las Vegas residency. And yet, the dominant critical narrative has still essentially been: Gaga is absent from pop music. (For comparison, Katy Perry has been a judge on American Idol.) Of course, her self-mythologizing is partially to blame for this, but it's unclear what could have possibly satisfied her critics and die-hard fans outside of re-reinventing music à la 2010. So what's her move given the weight of the world's impossible expectations? To make simple, unpretentious pop music on her own terms. In a recent Billboard interview, she laughed while stating, "I would like to put out music that a big chunk of the world will hear, and it will become a part of their daily lives, and make them happy every single day." My first reaction upon reading this was: yes, we should hold Gaga to a higher standard because she's Gaga, but how can we balance that with the potentially damaging effects for her mental health and sanity? So on "Stupid Love" when she sings, "Now it's time to free me from this chain/I gotta find that peace, is it too late?" I like to hope it's meta-commentary on her rediscovering the joy in her music and being, free of expectation. Gaga tracks are often described as "huge" or "epic", but none has ever so perfectly embodied "fun." I'm definitely excited about how this track sounds -- an ebullient return to her earliest disco pop roots, at a time when radio is dominated by trap -- but "Stupid Love" stands out to me because of her embrace of radical self-love. This is the Gaga that I've always loved -- and she's always been enough. [9]

Leah Isobel: The production filters back an entire decade's worth of Stefani's influence into a three-minute Fruit Gusher burst of tang, but the lyrics are decidedly forward-looking, all declarative statements of "now is the time!" bullshit. In the middle of this past/present/future time-play, as the beat drops out beneath her, she asserts the key line: "all I ever wanted was lahv." If it's a disappointingly shallow retcon for an artist whose initial breadth and ambition was the entire point, the promise of it lingers in my brain. After all, it's not too far from a similar pop megalomaniac realizing that she "traded fame for love without a second thought" about 20 years ago. That rich vein of popstar self-examination writ large is so suited to Gaga's talents as an artist -- a provocateur, fake-deep philosopher, musical theatre nerd, and hook-writing master all at once -- that I have listened to this song five times in a row pretty much every single day since it, uh, appeared on the internet. My paws are reluctantly up, Stef. Don't fuck it up. [7]

Jessica Doyle: Fun, and otherwise unremarkable. If you've been a Gaga fan for a while -- if you're invested in the narrative of this hardworking woman, who has been through downs and ups and downs and then ups again -- I imagine the fun is enhanced by a certain comfort and relief in seeing her have fun; in imagining her feeling strong and secure enough to release a fun song that doesn't have to upend anything. But I am a heartless, acontextual consumer, for whom the marginal cost of listening to something else is zero, and I miss "Bad Romance." [5]

Tobi Tella: For an artist who at her peak overstuffed everything with too many ideas, there's really not much happening here. It's loud and upbeat, sure, but the lyrics are barely the thread of a coherent song, and the production reminds everyone who wants "pure" pop to come back to be careful what they wish for. Maybe that A Star is Born "pop music bad guitar music good" cynicism rubbed off too much? [4]

Katherine St Asaph: Just when I thought Gaga was lost to the land of Real Music™, or worse, flailing attempts to be chill by the least chill performer in pop music (yes, including Taylor Swift), she goes and releases this, 50,000 firecrackers on a Eurovision stage. The thicket of hooks is packed, with Black Midi levels of referential density. The whole thing sounds like "Born This Way," which is to say it sounds like "Express Yourself"; there's a juddering sequencer out of "Do What U Want" (reminds me more of "Weekend" by Class Actress, but which is more likely to be the actual inspiration?) and a touch of, of all things, September's "Cry For You." Gaga fills every crevice of the song with singing, throaty and belty and huge: a relief after years of songs filled only with half-assed #vibes. If it feels frivolous against much of Born This Way and The Fame Monster and some of Artpop, and far less ambitious, it at least pulls her out of the "Shallow" piano muck. [7]

Vikram Joseph: Perhaps a stupid song about making stupid choices is the Lady Gaga lead single we both need and deserve in 2020. The battering-ram synths feel like running down a hill into a gale-force wind; the best thing about "Stupid Love" is that Gaga sounds like she's having a lot of fun, and by extension so are we. [7]

Alex Clifton: "Stupid Love," much like "Born This Way" before it, is ready-made for pride parades, grown from the same mystical lab that gave Lady Gaga her incredible melodic sensibilities. Unlike its predecessor, though, it has more euphoria in it, presumably because it's not making a political point. Gaga's more focused on having fun here, and you can tell. The verses aren't my favourite, but the chorus hits as an overwhelming rush of dopamine, and now I can't stop dancing in my computer chair. Between this and Dua Lipa's album, we're in for a hell of a good time for pop music this spring, and I am extremely excited. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: She was doing this better a decade ago. A lot better. [2]

Joshua Lu: The narrative surrounding "Stupid Love" regards it a return to the Pop Gaga that's been mostly absent since 2013: A revival if you're a fan, a regression if you're not. The issue with this narrative is that "Stupid Love" lacks any key similarities to the Gaga of yesteryear; the only real sonic link is how the bassline brings to mind the since-redacted "Do What U Want" beat. Instead we have something that's somehow not a Kygo song, with vocal chirps that got old last year, serviceable but clichéd hooks (the entire pre-chorus has all the charm of a Taio Cruz album track), remarkably basic lyrics filled with platitudes, and a title that has no bearing on anything in the song -- there's nothing lyrically or aurally stupid about anything here, and Gaga has shown a deep capacity to be stupid in her past pop works. In reality, what we have here isn't a return to anything, but rather the continued flagging of Gaga's desire to develop genuinely off-beat or interesting pop music, whether intentional or not. Gaga's talents as a vocalist elevate the song beyond the usual pop pap, but it's not nearly at the level I once hoped she could remain at. [6]

Alfred Soto: Kudos to Jamieson Cox for catching an obvious forebear: the rattling sequencer recalls 2013's forgotten "Do What U Want," which was all set to do some business until radio programmers remembered R. Kelly had been a menace for years. Amiably confusing lack of affect with simplicity, "Stupid Love" flexes its pop strength with the expectation that fans will admire it. [7]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The synths pack a punch but they never quite get me to where I should be. I wanna feel desperation, exasperation -- that love is worth looking stupid for. All I get is a familiar, quasi-stoic performance that sounds like Gaga's doing some excellent karaoke. [4]

Kayla Beardslee: Sure, it's competent, but Gaga is capable of so much more. Many other blurbs will discuss the song's aggressive datedness and bland lyrics, but what really bothers me is that the two halves of "Stupid Love" -- the dramatic vocals and the unrelenting gallop of the synths -- don't fit together. Gaga is giving her all with those signature "laahv"s, but there's just not enough empty space left for her in the production. Her performance ends up laying flat on top of the track, adding nothing except a sense of laziness from her producers and engineers. [5]

Pedro João Santos: Serviceable Max Martin bopathon scams its way into my brain again -- no matter how direly in need of an incubator this whole structure is. Gaga's weakest lead single feeds you Kygo, threatens to ascend during "All I ever wanted was love", and still can't fight the aura of afterthought. [6]

Jibril Yassin: "Stupid Love" is a giddy rush of EDM-pop fun, but it's the first time experiencing a major Gaga single entirely devoid of surprises. Bracing yourself for a twist that never arrives or a strange turn of vocals rearing its head from nowhere, "Stupid Love" makes up for its unremarkableness with a masterclass in songwriting. What Lady Gaga hasn't forgotten how to do is translate the feeling of having your initial gut feelings completely validated. "Stupid Love" makes its magic in casting the act of love as necessary and dare I say it -- radical. [7]

Jackie Powell: On "Stupid Love" Lady Gaga achieved a corollary. By trying to put her healing process into simple poetry, she also created an accompanying sound that's comparable to an analgesic. The function of the track is to heal and liberate. (Truth be told, Little Monster or not, the song has helped me get out of bed in the morning.) Gaga's latest cut is packaged into a familiar formula, and that's part of the reason why this track serves as a formidable lead single and symbol for the upcoming Chromatica. The equation is one that mirrors the "best of" Stefani Germanotta. What's brilliant about "Stupid Love" is that its visual and lyrical messaging and surrounding sonic arrangement and melody bring what Little Monsters and casual music fans with a Gaga fascination expect. And that's okay. She has told Oprah that her goal now isn't just to shock people but rather to exude authenticity. She stirs elements from all of her pop eras into the most hearty and flavourful version of Gaga soup (and that does include Joanne contrary to popular belief.) Each ingredient works and is soluble. She tossed in the elements of the The Fame that made fans want to Just Dance and sprinkled some catchy Swedish-sounding pop melodies (Max Martin, hello!) and sung onomatopoeia from The Fame Monster, à la the "hey-ah, hey-ahs." A suspenseful build, uniquely potent and soaring vocals are ounces of Born This Way. Don't worry, ARTPOP is doused on this track not only in color, but in sound. There's a reason why that sped up "Do What U Want"-esque bassline works. There's a contrast between her bright vocal performance and the electronic bass' darkness. Joanne comes across in the allegorical concept which once again can be interpreted to reflect the current American experience. Music video director Daniel Askill confirmed that Gaga wanted to portray the "warring tribes as a metaphor for the state of the world today." So, Mother Monster is on a mission to introduce the world to her new brainchild, ever-developing ideologies and honest ways to examine life. "Stupid Love" isn't the end-all but merely the beginning. Paws up and welcome to Chromatica bitches. [8]

Nortey Dowuona: NOPE! WAIT. wait. This is actually a welcome back for... the bass, who is joined by his drumming sister, his synth bros and Lady Gaga, who has come here from the Make A Wish Foundation to take him around New York. They have a wonderful day together, with the synth bros getting their percussive background vocal girlfriend an NYPD hoodie, and the experience convinces Lady Gaga to make bright, happy pop music again! (The bass, in the midst of a happy dance, got hit by her limo and had to go back to the hospital.) [8]

Scott Mildenhall: Between its hyperventilating over-excitement and ever-exciting hyper-sincerity, Gaga seems to have finally created a pop emergency. The false alarm of "Applause" was overstuffed and underpowered, but "Stupid Love" redresses that balance by going harder and clearer, like a newly thawed cut from a cryogenically frozen, course-correcting Artpop Monster edition. Time might seem to have turned in on itself, but no: the greater lyrical directness arrives in a way that feels culminatory. The plainspokenness of that indelible "all I ever wanted was love" makes it almost an epitaph, grounding it in a present in which all experience has been lived, and all realisations are realised. Undeniably, Lady Gaga is not dead, but this is what she knows. [8]

Will Adams: I defended "The Cure" and lamented the immense pressure on Gaga to make every release the Next Big Thing, however even that soured when it turned out to be part of A Star Is Born's ~superficial pop~ world. So where to next, when she's caught between turgid rock balladry and ill-fitting trop-pop? On "Stupid Love," we get the best possible outcome: whizzing past Joanne, making a brief stop at Artpop but ultimately landing on the dazzling excess of Born This Way. Like any good synthpop number, the synths display a wide range of textures: they tunnel, they drill, they poof, they gleam. Gaga is more than willing to match their energy. Noteworthy, though, is that she takes a brief pause only on the pre-chorus's "all I ever wanted was love"; even the way the title scans it almost sounds like she could be singing "I want just to be loved." This is the essence of pop: amidst the big dumb fireworks display, a human message at the core. [7]

[comicweek]

Tilting at Windmills #285: Looking at NPD BookScan: 2020

A detailed breakdown of graphic novel sales in 2020, publisher by publisher

“There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics”

Incomprehensibly, this is the eighteenth annual report of something that is hard to exactly perceive and understand: the size and shape of the sales of graphic novels and trade paperbacks through the book store market, as seen through the prism of NPD BookScan.

I want to profusely apologize for just how late this year’s report is – it is entirely and wholly on me. 2021 has been a rough year, but I can see the sun shining through now that health and business issues have started to resolve for me.

There is a tremendous amount that goes into making these reports, and a whole lot of detail of how these lists get generated, but my wise editor believes that most folks just want to get to the numbers. So, if you are interested in how the sausage gets made, please go down to the bottom of the column for lots of lots of § in-depth details. And you can see the Top 750 with sales figures redacted here.

I will summarize a few things here: all sales reported here are generated by The NPD Group, which runs NPD BookScan. These reflect actual sales made through bookstores that report to NPD BookScan, including Amazon. NPD believes that some 80% or more of book sales are captured by them – so even best-case scenario, these are a little light. They also only include very few comic book specialty stores (whose purchases can be found in the excellent reports by John Jackson Miller’s Comichron)

But these are book sold through the venues that report to NPD BookScan only – it certainly doesn’t include sources of sales like, for example, school library purchases, or direct-to-consumer sales through things like the Scholastic book fairs. In some cases, those numbers could be many multiples of the retail trade. I certainly expect that something as broadly popular as “Dog Man” (the #1 book in 2020) is selling at least twice as many copies (and maybe much much more!) through academic channels. However, this is beyond the scope of this survey.

This also only includes physical books sold! No digital of any kind.

Also to top-level note: I am myself a Direct Market (comic book store) retailer – while my individual focus is on book-format material, I have a lot of biases, both visible and invisible that I bring to these reports. Please bear these in mind as you read my analysis!

I have historically divided the data between the “Top 750” because a) that’s all the data I was initially leaked back in 2003, b) it’s a “manageable” chunk of data, and c) “as above, so below” – the top 750 represents about half of sales. However, since 2007, I’ve received the “entire” database, which now gives us a solid fifteen years of data to track. I refer to this as “the Long Tail”. This year’s “Long Tail” has more than 44k items! That’s a lot! And a whole lot of those books are selling copies that don’t even add up to one hundred copies sold in a year.

I also do a rough calculation of multiplying the number of copies sold (a firm number) against the cover price, giving a calculation of what retail dollar sales would be. However, this is not actually a real number, because a significant percentage of these books sold for less than cover price (thanks Amazon!)

[socialjusticeartshare]

Immigrant Teens Say They're Being Forcibly Drugged in US Custody

"When I get mad they give me shots."

In October 2019, a teenage boy crossed the U.S. border into Arizona alone, fleeing for his life after being assaulted and threatened by gang members in Mexico. He’d hoped to find safety in the U.S, but instead, according to court filings, he ended up at a Texas children’s hospital where he’s been heavily sedated and forcibly injected multiple times over the past six months.

When an attorney visited the 16-year-old in November, she described him as having “a glazed over, vacant expression much of the time.” He told her he’d been taking around 20 pills per day.

“I want to leave because when I get mad they give me shots,” said the boy, whose name is redacted in the public court filings. “I think the last time was about a month ago. When they give me a shot, it makes me feel sad. And then I will sleep for a day. When I wake up after, I feel desperate. My body feels desperate.” 

In the last months of the Trump administration, other immigrant youth in government custody have been drugged and isolated for long periods, according to court records. The documents describe children languishing for months, including a young “nonverbal” girl who was separated from her father at the border over a year ago and is now unable to directly communicate with her family in Guatemala.

The shocking descriptions, which have not previously been reported, were filed as part of a long-running lawsuit against the federal government over its treatment of “unaccompanied minors,” children who arrive at the border alone, often fleeing violence or abuse in Central America. Lawyers in the case say six such kids in the custody of the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) were held indefinitely at Nexus Children’s Hospital in Houston, with at least three placed on “excessive medication.” 

Leecia Welch, an attorney with the National Center for Youth Law, visited Nexus on Nov. 13 and initially found it to be “a typical medical facility” for children, with brightly colored hallways and an outdoor play area, according to a declaration she filed in federal court. But when she began speaking with three kids in the behavioral health wing at Nexus, Welch noticed they appeared to be groggy and dazed. 

Welch, who noted that she has interviewed “hundreds of children in government custody,” including in psychiatric hospitals, said the 16-year-old told her he had trouble sleeping, a problem he never had in Mexico and attributed to his heavy medications. He described spending hours alone in his room watching TV, and leaving for therapy, meals, and activities, but never school. 

“I do not have school here,” he said. “I have not had any school at Nexus the entire time I have been here.”

Know anything about conditions in migrant detention centers? Email keegan.hamilton@vice.com or carter.sherman@vice.com.

It was a stark contrast to the shelter in Arizona where the boy had first been housed in the U.S., which he said allowed a trip to the museum and more time outdoors. Then, in January 2020, he described being awoken at 3 a.m. and told to pack his things. He was sent to a more restrictive facility in Washington state, which he said did not allow him outside. His next stop was Nexus, where he said staff had also placed him in physical restraints.

“When I get angry, I know how to calm myself,” he said. “They use physical restraints when I get angry but that makes me angrier. But it’s been a month that I haven’t been angry. I am doing better. I was told I would leave soon.”

A fifteen-year-old that Welch interviewed “appeared to be so overmedicated he could barely talk or maintain eye contact” during their 20-minute conversation. The boy’s speech was slurred, and he mostly “lay in bed drooling and staring blankly at his TV,” Welch wrote. “He did look at me intensely for one brief moment and asked when he could go home.”

A spokesperson for the Department Health and Human Services’ Administration for Children and Families, which oversees ORR, declined to comment, citing ongoing litigation.

A spokesperson for Nexus Health Systems, which runs Nexus Children’s Hospital, gave a statement saying the company “has provided superior medical care to children for over 20 years.”

 “Although due to healthcare privacy constraints we cannot comment on the care of specific patients, we stand by our clinicians’ decision-making and our associated clinical policies and procedures,” the statement said. “Nexus’ focus in every case is—and will remain—the well-being of our patients.”

As part of a 1997 court settlement known as the Flores agreement, federal authorities are supposed to transfer unaccompanied minors from Border Patrol custody to a state-licensed childcare facility within 72 hours, or release them to a relative or sponsor living in the U.S. But in some instances, these children require more intensive care than a typical group home or shelter can provide due to medical or behavioral issues. 

Nexus describes itself on its website as “a child’s home away from home during recovery from complex medical issues,” including those with behavioral problems “who may have been unsuccessful in traditional rehabilitation environments.” According to court filings, Nexus is an “out-of-network facility” that contracts with ORR to care for immigrant youth until they can be sent elsewhere, such as a foster home in the U.S., a group home with a less-intensive level of care, or back to their home country on a deportation flight.

Intensive hospital stays are supposed to be brief—usually only a few days until the child is stabilized and can return to a more normal setting. But four of the six kids that Welch found at Nexus had been there for longer than six months.

She described meeting a 15-year-old girl who’d been sent to Nexus “due to her weight, diabetes, and issues with her knees.” The girl said she’d been at the hospital for seven months and was still being held there even after meeting a weight loss goal set by a doctor, which she was told would allow her to leave. The girl said she preferred the freezing-cold Border Patrol “hielera” holding cell where she was first detained after crossing the border.

“I liked the hielera better than here because of how they treat people here,” the girl said. “It’s not well. They don’t treat people well. They try to be rude to me, but I don’t let them get away with it. They are not nice to the other kids.”

The mother of a fourth immigrant child held at Nexus, described by Welch as a 2-year-old with “very serious medical needs,” declined to speak with the attorney. As Welch prepared to leave the Houston facility, she said staff mentioned they had a fifth patient who came from federal government custody and had been there “a very long time.” 

Welch described being led to a section of the hospital for kids with more intensive physical health needs and entering a room to find “a small child with perfectly coiffed pigtails under a pink Minnie Mouse blanket.” The girl, Welch said, “was connected to machines and was unable to move or establish eye contact.” 

The girl appeared to be well cared for, but Welch later learned she had been separated from her father in August 2019 after they crossed the border together. Her father, Welch said, “was deported before his daughter was in a position to safely return to home country with him; they remain separated and without any direct contact.”

Welch noted that, “although this child has now lived far longer than her predicted life expectancy, her long-term prognosis remains poor, and without swift intervention, she and her father may never see one another again.”

Welch declined to be interviewed, citing the pending litigation, but said the government needs to do a better job of monitoring and tracking the care that children receive. 

“We just don't know how many other children are going into hospital settings and having these things happen,” Welch said. “Even if ORR wanted to, they couldn't go online and tell you, ‘This many kids have been forcibly injected over the last six months.’ They just don't have the data; I find it horrifying. It's just a black box.”

Robert Carey, who led ORR under the Obama administration, said he could not recall any incidents during his tenure where immigrant youth were subjected to forced injections. Carey said such measures would only be appropriate as a last resort in cases where children had “severe mental health needs.”

“At minimum, an investigation would be conducted to determine if in fact that was happening and, if so, why, and what oversight was being conducted or in place by ORR staff,” Carey said.

Carey said he expects the incoming Biden administration to overhaul ORR, which falls under the umbrella of the Department of Health and Human Services. Under Trump, the agency has been involved in multiple scandals, including the failure to reunite families that were separated at the border under the so-called “zero tolerance” policy.

“Children have been poorly treated, obviously. Laws and standards appear to have been violated. It’s not good.”

“It’s been politicized,” Carey said. “Children have been poorly treated, obviously. Laws and standards appear to have been violated. It’s not good.”

The Nexus allegations aren’t the first time the Trump administration has been accused of providing questionable medical treatment to immigrant youth. In April 2018, plaintiffs in the Flores case filed court documents describing how multiple children at Shiloh Treatment Center near Houston were held down and injected with psychotropic medications. In one incident, a girl claimed a Shiloh staff member threw her against a wall and choked her until she fainted. 

Shiloh issued a statement in 2018 denying any wrongdoing and maintaining that children at the facility “have been found to be properly cared for and treated.” The judge overseeing the Flores case ordered the government to abide by Texas laws on the  administration of drugs to minors, and to remove them from Shiloh unless they pose “a risk of harm to self or others,” a determination to be made by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist.

Scott Lloyd, a former ORR director under Trump, told VICE News that forcibly medicating minors can be justified in cases where they have severe mental health issues and may be behaving aggressively. He emphasized that staffers, operating in deeply difficult situations, typically have the best interests of children at heart.

“As bad as it sounds, when you get down into the details of it, it’s actually something that you see happening every day in families,” said Lloyd, who was first thrust into the spotlight after he personally refused to let detained immigrant girls undergo abortions, spurring an ACLU lawsuit. “Even when it’s antibiotics, sometimes kids just don’t want to take drugs, but that’s just what they need at the moment. And on top of that, you have teenagers who just don’t want to do anything that you tell them to do because they’re teenagers.”

A 2018 report by Reveal from the Center for Investigative Reporting found that housing and supervising immigrant children for the federal government is big business, with $3.4 billion paid out to 71 companies, including Shiloh, over a four-year period. Nearly half of that money went to homes with serious allegations of mistreating children, Reveal found, including shelters accused of neglect and sexual and physical abuse.

Beyond the Flores case, forced injections have been a point of litigation in a separate class-action lawsuit filed on behalf of immigrant youth held in “highly restrictive psychiatric facilities” and jail-like “secure” detention centers. The suit claims kids end up trapped in such places for months or years, with no hearings or protections to provide a path out.

“I felt like I had no one to help me and no option but to take the daily medication,” said one child quoted in court records. In that case, staff at Shiloh would allegedly “force the child’s mouth open if they tried to refuse to take the medication.” Others were given forced injections. 

“Two staff grabbed me, and the doctor gave me an injection despite my objection and left me there on the bed,” one child said, according to court filings.

Since March 21, the Trump administration has turned away thousands of unaccompanied minors on the grounds that they present “a serious danger of the further introduction of COVID-19” into the U.S. Under an order signed by Trump, at least 8,300 children who traversed the border alone have been detained by the Border Patrol and sent back to Mexico or their home countries, according to CBP data provided to lawyers in the Flores case.

The same bunch of Nov. 23 court filings that detail the situation at Nexus also describe grim conditions at a Border Patrol outpost in Weslaco, Texas. A lawyer in the Flores case visiting to monitor conditions found an 8-year-old boy from Guatemala who said he’d been separated from his mother for two days. They crossed the border together, he said, but she was sick and could barely walk. The boy saw his mother loaded onto an ambulance, while he ended up as the only child on a bus full of adults headed for a Border Patrol station, where he’d been waiting for her since.

“I am alone in my room,” the boy said. “I do not know why I am alone. It makes me feel abandoned. I feel very alone. I have been completely alone for an entire day. I am sleeping on a cushion that is on the floor. I do not have a pillow, but I do have a thin silver nylon blanket. I use my coat as a pillow. I am the only one in the room when I sleep. It is very cold. It is always very cold.”

Asked about the court filings, Tom Gresback, a spokesperson for U.S. Customs and Border Protection in the Rio Grande Valley, said: “As a matter of policy, CBP does not comment on pending litigation. Lack of comment should not be construed as agreement or stipulation with any of the allegations.” 

In September alone, according to CBP data referenced in court filings, at least 36 kids were held in Border Patrol stations for more than three days, including 16 for over five days. Among them were a 6-month-old infant (held 13 days), a 5-month-old infant (15 days), and a 2-month-old infant (16 days). The monitor who visited the Weslaco station said children reported being housed in cells with 16-20 others, with no social distancing, soap, or hand sanitizer.

“Many children reported that they were very cold,” wrote the monitor, Denise A. Rosales. “During an interview, one child commented on how nice the sun was. She said she had not seen the sun in over two days.”

In a Dec. 4 court hearing in the Flores case, attorneys for immigrant youth and the government said they are close to finalizing a settlement agreement that could lead to “steps forward” on conditions for unaccompanied minors detained at the border. 

The issues of forced injections and lengthy stays in restrictive psychiatric or jail-like settings are being litigated in a separate case, with a trial currently set for March. In the meantime, the 16-year-old who’d been forcibly injected still remains at Nexus.

The teen said he hopes to leave the hospital soon. He has plans for his life.    

“I will be happy when they give me the good news that I'm leaving this place,” the boy said. “My dream is to be a firefighter. It's my dream to help people.”

Article Source

[coruscantholonet]

Sim ongoing

Soooo,first a small update on the sim in that work on it is still going down.  We’d love to have an opening date but playing it by ear.  Real life comes first, and I’ve been dealing with a lot of health issues so progress is a lot slower than it normally would be for me.  Fortunately have had several talented volunteers who are doing great with the build, so expect some more updates soon.

Some things we’re looking for include;

1. Getting a few rigs done.

2. Have a few staff positions as well in both the GM and storyteller department. As always longstanding policy is that we only take on those who do not have staff/responsibility positions elsewhere. 

------------Skip below if you don’t like rubbernecking.

Next, I need to apologize.  I fucked up.  Recently I went at some people who didn’t really deserve the “wrath” which seemed to be a catalyst in a domino effect that crippled “Unification”.  I still have many criticisms of it, but that chain reaction allowed for something much worse to fill the void that was created and I speak of “SWU” and “Taris”.  While 0% of what I said was a “lie” there was of course items that were speculation and a bit harsh and in retrospect it was regrettable.  I had some people with real life connections to Cyprus in my ear and it was very much a fire which was extensively fed by those with a malicious agenda.  For all the flaws Loosh and others may have, they would be far favorable to Cyprus.  In the entire decade I’ve been here I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone so corrupt, someone who has not an ounce of integrity or any idea what fair play is.  Over the last few weeks I’ve had to hear so many of the regulars here speak of how they’ve been screwed over there and it’s been a bit gut wrenching with the knowledge that I am partly responsible. 

One example I will provide of how he and his clique engineered the feud was that they were the ones leaking information from Unification chat.  I’ve always aspired to be the same in public as in private, so I’m not usually too concerned with “leaks”, but in this case it was a clear effort to escalate the fighting so that he could benefit from it.

Some other examples during this was when two votes where occurring in Unification at the same time.  One of them to take away Loosh’s server admin position, the other on banning me. 

So to make that clear.  Both Cyprus and Sabastiion/JOINASR traded votes in order to gain support for their effort to oust Loosh.  When that didn’t happen and they couldn’t obtain virtual “power” through Unification they instead broke off to make SWU.  

Everybody knows I don’t mind a “fight”, to some extent I’ll embrace it.  That’s just who I am, but in this case I do think that was used against me as I swallowed the bait and didn’t really take pause to see the agendas at play.  In retrospect, with the history Cyprus and Sabastiion/JOINASR have for this kind of thing, I should have seen it from a mile away.

So let’s start with their last sim, in 2017 they made a Corellia sim back when we were Coruscant.  We had been under construction much like now, however we had a major setback when those two saw the build then offered the builder a much higher sum than we were able to pay.  So they pretty much bought the build out from under us, then there was even some griefing during this period as they sought to do what they could to keep us from re-opening.. much like the present in which they’ve bribed several people over.  Eventually their co-admins got fed up with their antics and voted to remove their admin status.  In response they returned the build, several builders who had worked on parts of the sim where negatively affected by this and I’m not even sure it ever opened again.  Here is what their co-admins sent out at the time..

“ Tonight, (9/4/2017), the ownership team voted on the removal of another owner (Talon) and an Admin (Cyprus). The two of them had continually goaded another SWRP sim into conflict. That sim being Fourth Dimension/Legacies. They bought a build out from under the owner of that sim, trying to use it as their own and rushed to open before 4D was fully able to, and are now pinning that on us. They griefed said sim, and harrassed its players in their group chats on multiple occasions in attempts to either poach from them, or simply troll them. Talon, as an owner did not actually pay into monthly sim tier, and never passed along the money from rentals to the ownership team. We still don't know where that money is. Cyprus, controlled the tip jar in the landing zone, and we haven't seen a dime from that. This sim was started on the idea of civilizing Star Wars roleplay, and being done with this sort of drama. We, the ownership team are deeply sorry that this occurred, and we are going to be working as hard as possible to get the sim back open, and on a clean slate, starting from square one. We will have a skybox area open for roleplay ASAP as we complete the entire sim build. We greatly appreciate your support and patience during this time, and we hope to be back to full scale RP soon! Any further questions, please contact torresalpha12 “

And here is one of the builders of that sim;

[18:34] RedactedA: Eesh, Talon just did a seriously fucked up thing to Corellia. 

[18:35] RedactedB: yeah I heard he returned the whole sim

[18:35] RedactedA: He deleted the sim and is now advertising 4D in the groups. [18:35] RedactedA: That's seriously poor form. 

[18:35] RedactedB: wat 

[18:35] RedactedA: [18:31] Φ Brother Talon (sabastiion): Fourth Dimension (148,128,4083) ((Builds were stolen from here, and they also have 31 people. Looking for more RP outside of corellia? Consider this) 

[18:36] RedactedA: I worked on the build there too, I'm a little less than pleased my work was deleted as well. [18:36] RedactedB: He's such a cunt

So, they got removed from position, returned the build then started advertising for my sim.. this after they bought our builder out from under us.  I guess they figured they needed to get back on our good side after alienating everyone who had worked with them on that sim.  

They didn't even end up paying the builder all the money they'd promised, after they rage returned the sim they blamed the 150USD that never got delivered on the people who they had just left build-less that had nothing to do with the deal.

They turned around and offered us the build parts that the people they tried to stick with the bill didn't even have access to.  Trying to get back in good favor with us, we declined though, we pretty much sat there and watched that sim implode like "huh".  

09/06/2017 [00:08] Φ Cyprus (DarthWyyrlok Resident): Btw, the hutt palace that [redacted] made for us, probably one of the better things hes every made, did you want to use it?

There are countless other stories like this, they’ve ripped off many people over the years. 

[Redacted C]Years ago he was attempting to make a sim. He asked if i wanted to help out and be an admin. Said sure. Paid him 10k and he immediately banned me. Called me a dopey retard for believing him.  Part of me agrees with him.Ever since, if he shows up, i typically warn the fuck out of people and avoid him like a herpes ridden 3rd avenue hooker.

[Redacted D]Havent seen him on sim. But he sounds like a cunt.

[Redacted C] he's the lead for the empire on taris

This pattern of underhanded behavior extends to the roleplay itself.  I don’t think I’ve seen many cases of worse meta-gaming than from that circle of real life friends with Cyprus, Sabastiion and Nessa.   Here is just one example in which Cyprus plays both a Darth and a Jedi Master at the same time.. and...hunts himself.. clearly using one character to inflate the other, this is perhaps one of the worst abuses of alt accounts I’ve seen in my decade in SWRP...

[ Have cut out irrelevant posts from other people ]

[01:46] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1) walked in slowly, a shadow casted over his face as he stood on the dance area for a few moments before continuing forward. His footsteps where silent as if he was trained to walk in silence and his breathing nominalized. He hooded figure would proceed to the bar area where he would slowly sit down on the stool. Once again keeping the silence he had brought in with him

[02:11] Lord Talon walked in slowly his face hidden from all to see. The force around him pulsated as he walked in, each step he took created a soft tick that would echo across the room before drowed out by music. He then looked at the grey robed figure, his scent was masked but he could easily distinguish it from their past incounters. “Ah master Raven Tal” he said with a grin “It seems we meet again”

[02:13] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1) chuckled lightly as his head remained facing forward "It seems I've found you" he said in a low tone of voice as he stood up from his chair and faced Cyprus. Feeling the immense hate that radiated off of the sith warrior. His hands would extend outwards as the jedi warrior's lightsaber flew to his hands and ignighted, the blue blade humming to life.

[02:19] Lord Talon would simply grin at the comment that ordered him out. Instead he would enclose both muscular hands slowly around the hilt of the customized duel phase fouth generation saber as his skilled digets of his fingers locked into place. The weapon reacted to the brush of his touch in which followed a sudden snap and hiss igniting forth an extensive blood shine blade that illuminated the dark room. He gave a slight flourish of the imense blade as he twirled it between his hands before grasping it in a double djem power stance as he looked at the jedi that stood before him as a slight growle escaped from his teeth

[02:20] -Shiva- X -Shev'la Dinii- (ellisa01.turbo) drew her blaster pistols them, aiming one at the sith and then another at the jedi. With her fingers over the trigger she would then shout. "Oi, the fuck out of the establishment, now. Yo uare ruining business."

[02:21] Cyprus Talon (arijonas1) inclined his head slowly, tiping forth his chin in a silent acknowledgement of Lord Talon's invitation. His immense hands had enclosed around the enlongated staff hilt of his legendary blade and drew it close in a duel handed battle stance of Djem So in mirror of Talon's own. The laser blade gave a banshee wail as it whirled about suddenly in a brilliant flourish within the skilled flow of his hands, creating a whirlwind like effect of weaving blue blade before him as he approached abruptly foward, unleashing a controled thrust foward of the extensively long blade towards Talochest as he looked at the mando figure "I wouldnt shoot if I where you my friend" he said as he lunged forward

[ As if the style and names didn’t give it away, here he posted Raven’s post from the Cyprus account, then tries to cover in OOC ]

[02:23] Cyprus Talon (arijonas1): (whoops trying to send that back to him) [02:23] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): (i sent him that post lol and he was meant to check it and send it back incase i missed something lol) [02:23] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): (so just count that as my post so i dont have to re post lol)

[02:27] Lord Talon grinned slightly as he saw him lundge at him. He was more than prepared to dodge such an attack. He would side step away from the blade as he used his own to push it aside as he spun inwards and attempted to knock the side of the saber into Raven's head using his immense speed and strength that was fuled by his darkside enriched powers.

[ Some OOC arguing happened here, as Cyprus did not seem happy other people where interjecting in his fight..with himself, so back to the IC..]

[02:37] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1) moved around the woman standing there as he took into account the woman standing there as he simply rolled around her preventing her from getting in the middle. having maintained direct control over the fluid motion of the drive of the blazing red blade as it plunged forth from Lord Talon to his head, he would not overextend his balance and thus allowed him to counteract the strike to his head from Talon's own saber. There was a cracking hiss as the searing blades would connect he would extend a hand to Talons stomach he would attempt to push the Sith outward of the club to prevent any other distubance of the people inside, this was a jedi's fight, not theirds. And he would do whatever it took to finish it

[02:39] Lord Talon Eyes opened wide as he got hit by the force push, he was send flying out of the room as he then regained his balance by sliding across the floors with his boots that brought him to a halt. As he griped his lightsaber once more ready for Raven. He knew the jedi wouldn’t let the others get in the way so he left them alone and would focus on the jedi who he faced.

[ More OOC arguing about other people interjecting who then called for defenders choice RHCS, admin sides with them. ]

[02:49] Sihivus Verne: ((While V may not have been directly attacked, it is a club. Considering their club is being shot up, they are welcome to take action as judging per group defender roles)) [02:49] Cyprus Talon (arijonas1): (sighs  fine just let me and Raven finish because this was an really important rp taht had to be done and this was a sim we chose to meet at we didnt think others would get involved like this and lead to this ooc)

[ Extra hillarious when it is fairly obvious they’re the same ^  argument continues, eventually RHCS fight happens, Cyprus losses to the club bouncer. Of course the Jedi was mysteriously afk during the fight.. ]

[03:17] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): (ugg sorry about that everyone can someone fill me in on what happened, if anything happened in ims thanks!))

.[03:20] Eva Lekach: ( It's ok they got the Sith you are saved. )

[03:20] Eva Lekach: ( back ic )

[03:20] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): (i could have taken him lol)

[03:22] Lord Talon: m would be dragged out into the sidewalk of the the streets of the undercity as he chuckled lightly as he cluched his shoulder which had a bullet wound in it. after she let him go he would get onto a knee placeing on hand on the ground to stabalize himself as his sith coloed eyes looked at Shiva with long hatred. "I will find you and I will kill you, if you have family I sudgest you hide them for I will kill them.  You will cry out in pain beggin for death and i will not grant it to you, your pain will be that of 1000 dying souls.: he said as he collapesed onto his back and attempted to roll of the edge of the platform

[03:29] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1) shook his head "An interesting character Cyprus is, as stupid as his creator aparently" he said with a sigh looking to Sparrow "I'm sorry if he disturbed anything here, I mearly came by word of mouth that whe would be here, now it seems that I didnt need them." he said turning to Shiva "As for me, I do need them"

[03:29] Raven Tal (aaronsterling1) "when I leave"

[ The End.  Now while that was a few years back, he can’t use the “I was young” excuse, he was in his 20′s at the time as he’s now pushing 30, so this isn’t a case of ‘kids being dumb’.  This is a blatant abuse of alts IC, and clear attempts of deception OOC.  This pattern continued OOC elsewhere.. ]

[2013/11/02 01:34]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): And there is one thing I want to get clear, whats the big deal if I am an alt, or an old account of someone, which I am my old account got deleted and couldnt be recovered, Look the only reason im still in swrp is to get the rp back up and going between groups, thats why i cam because I know you guys are doing that do. Otherwise I would have given up swrp a long time ago, we all see it deteriating slowly and all I want to do is fix that, and I dont want to do this if people have anegative aditute twoards it. Honestly if I did something that got you upset please tell me and I can fix it! Please, I'm not sure what I did wrong, mearly came to say hello oocly thats all, nothign more nothing less then I got bombarded with questions. Im just confused is all [2013/11/02 01:35]  Chaos DarkRose (nymph.zenith): alts are fine, but pretending to be an elder ooc is not and might get you banned in some places. [2013/11/02 01:37]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): what are you talking about lol Ive been around for a very long time in swrp. Back when the soverignty existed and besipin was still going strong and coursant was a dominant system, Ive been around for a while, my old sith master was MagmaRyu, he was one of the most well respected sith back when I was an apprentice and I was very luck to have him as a master otherwise I woulndt be her today [2013/11/02 01:37]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): So I'm not making anything up [2013/11/02 01:37]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): there would be no reason to [2013/11/02 01:38]  Chaos DarkRose (nymph.zenith): that is not old [2013/11/02 01:39]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): thats about 5 years ago that im talking about [2013/11/02 01:39]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): 6 probably now [2013/11/02 01:39]  Chaos DarkRose (nymph.zenith): well log on and lets see, if you are as old as ranogar [2013/11/02 01:39]  Chaos DarkRose (nymph.zenith): he would remember back then [2013/11/02 01:40]  Raven Tal (aaronsterling1): i cant, my account was deleted my some ass, honestly how else can i prove this to you haha [2013/11/02 01:40]  Chaos DarkRose (nymph.zenith): do you realize how many times i've heard this? Over the span of almost 8 years?

[00:57] Cyprus Talon (arijonas1): Raven came to me earlier today and seemed upset and confused by something you said, hes a dear friend of mine so if I could, what did you say to him? [00:58] Chaos DarkRose (nymph.zenith): i have no idea what you are talking about [00:58] Cyprus Talon (arijonas1): Raven Tal, he said he talked to you the other day...

Besides learning how to use spell check? there has been little growth in Cyprus, he’s still someone who utilizes OOC methods to gain IC power.  When he failed to make a mark legitimately, he now tries to buy the status. Rewarding those who support him with high combat system ranks or even real money in some cases.  So like I said, going after Loosh and Uni was dumb on my part as I enabled the rise of the most corrupt motherfucker in SWRP.  So there is some obligation to raise transparency and awareness of some of his past antics. Some of his past names even seem to be banned by Linden Labs, I couldn’t tell you why but found that interesting. Take all of that for what you will. I’ve provided materials to backup pretty much everything I’ve ever said on him, it is a rarity when you have to speculate so little to illustrate what a colossal garbage person someone is.   Play where you wanna play and do what you wanna do, but do it with eyes wide open.

Their platform is the exact same pledge they made in 2017, just a couple weeks before they destroyed a sim many people had worked hard on..

8-22-17 “Star Wars Universe Town Hall Agenda”; created by Sebastiion

“This notecard will explain what we will be talking about in more detail during the Townhall Meeting, as well as explaining a little more about Star Wars Universe. The purpose of Star Wars Universe is to strive to create a multi sim roleplay experience, executed through Star Wars Roleplay groups within the community. In light of recent events, and in the past couple of years of roleplay, the community has drifted far from what is used to be. By working together and by leaders stepping up to the plate we can accomplish a community that speaks for all of us instead of only one individual.

What will we be talking about?

*Why has Star Wars Roleplay fallen apart.*

*How Star Wars Universe can play a huge role in restoring trust within our community.*

*How Corellia, Dantooine, and other key sims can play a supporting role in this.**

Why it's important that the leadership within the community drives their ideas from its *entire* player base, and not just from a *few* key leaders.*

*The future of Star Wars Roleplay and how we can make this project a success.*

Once these topics have been addressed there will be a time for questions, comments, suggestions, etc. Remember this movement is a grassroots movement that starts with you. Attending this town hall and making your voice's heard can help shape the future of Star Wars Universe. The link will be posted in a notice an hour before we begin.”

I guess they changed their mind by  9/4/2017 when they returned the sim :(, point being, they are full of false promises, and pretty much anyone would be a favorable alternative to having these meta-gaming scam artists continue to assert influence over the community.   

------------

“Dark Lord”  lolo, not sure if I’ve ever seen a case of someone less deserving.

[03:22] Lord Talon: m would be dragged out into the sidewalk of the the streets of the undercity as he chuckled lightly as he cluched his shoulder which had a bullet wound in it. after she let him go he would get onto a knee placeing on hand on the ground to stabalize himself as his sith coloed eyes looked at Shiva with long hatred. "I will find you and I will kill you, if you have family I sudgest you hide them for I will kill them.  You will cry out in pain beggin for death and i will not grant it to you, your pain will be that of 1000 dying souls.: he said as he collapesed onto his back and attempted to roll of the edge of the platform

[jyrs-kuur]

About me, tagged by @shamelesswordcinnamonroll​ , thanks for the tag! i’m making my own post bc the other was getting super long

How tall are you? - 158cm / 5′2′‘ (shorter than most ppl i know but not That Short) What color/ style is your hair? - buzz cut, it’s like a cold brown i think... What color are your eyes? - green-grayish Do you wear glasses?- no but i’d look good in them

Do you wear braces?- i had braces when i was 14-16

What is your fashion sense? - very gay with a splash of trans... i wear a lot of plaid and oversized/baggy clothes, especially now that it’s winter. trying to walk the lines between what i am most comfortable wearing and trying hard to look androgynous so ppl wouldn’t misgender me so much

Full name? - [REDACTED]

Where were you born? - in a hospital

Where are you from and where do you live now? - from west of this country, now i live in the capital

What school do you go to? - no school for me

Do you like school? - I haven’t been in school for years, don’t know if i would like it now... 

What kind of student are you? - I was a perfectionist, artsy high school top-of-the-class student with a lot of mental health issues who got a massive burnout in university :) Favorite subject? - All the arts were my favourite subjects... T.V. show? - First one that comes to mind is The Good Place Movie? - Most Pixar and Dreamworks films, but especially HTTYD movies Book? - some of my fav book (series) include Mistborn series, Shadowrunner series, the Book Thief, and Artemis Fowl Past time? - knitting is always fun, and also i like playing video games Do you have regrets? - i try not to dwell on them What’s your dream job? - a jack-of-all-trades of the art world (author, actor, circus performer, musician, painter, etc) Do you want to be married? - sometimes? the thing that appeals to me abt marriage is the companionship and the promise to stick together; i like the idea of spending my life with someone.. a pardner.... Do you want kids? If yes, how many? - i have been debating this a lot recently, i think if my hypothetical spouse wanted to have kids i’d be happy to, but i’m also content being a godparent to my sister’s kid Do you like shopping? - at certain places yes! book shops and flea markets are my fav places to shop, other places are bearable if i’m not too hungry/tired/anxious What was your scariest nightmare? - don’t know abt scariest but the one i remember best is one i had when i was 5yo, it was about a bear that chased me and ate me in the end of the dream What countries have you visited? - so far only Sweden, The Netherlands, Austria, Italy, Germany, France, and the U.S. Do you have any enemies? - i hope not Self doubt? - haha... more than i wish... Do you have any significant others? - hmmmmmmmm i could say this one girl i’m almost dating? i do have a big crush on her but we’re not fully dating yet i dont think????? it’s very new Do you believe in miracles? - not really

How are you? - less tired than i hope i would be

I’m not tagging anyone, but if you wanna do this, go ahead

[waqasblog2]

Expired Domains for SEO: Generating Up to $35K/m from Best Product Reviews

“Hey Glen. My name is Suumit and I wanted to share a case study of how I launched an Amazon affiliate site from scratch and hit $28,000/m in just eight months.”

I didn’t know who Suumit was or how he got my Skype ID, but if you’re going to message me out of the blue, that’s the kind of introduction that will get my attention.

Three days later he shared the website in question and some of the strategies behind growing it so quickly.

I didn’t need to look at his income reports to believe the numbers (though I would later check them). A quick glance at Ahrefs showed he was dominating the “best [product]” keyphrases for his particular niche and still is months later.

So why did he want to reveal his secrets to me? And why did he also want to share them with Detailed readers?

There were two reasons, he tells me.

The first was to use my audience as a platform for personal goals. “I’m a big believer that knowledge which makes people’s lives better should be freely available. So, I hope this case study will help people out there to understand how SEO is evolving” he typed.

The second goal, he stated, was to connect with me personally.

I admired his altruism but can’t deny I was skeptical. Especially when I asked if he wanted to promote any other resources in our interview together and he politely declined.

Maybe he plans to sell the site later. Maybe he wants a bigger audience in the world of SEO. Maybe he believed a backlink from Detailed might help.

I can’t know for certain, but there’s one thing I’m sure about: This guy is smart.

After talking with him at length on Skype, I got a better idea of why he wants to talk about a site that makes more than $10,000 on a bad month, with little upkeep required.

Amazon commissions for the full year of 2017

While taking me around his various web projects, I got a sense that he couldn’t open up each new tab quickly enough. This twenty-something is unquestionably ahead of the pack when it comes to SEO experiments you haven’t even considered; automating as much of the successful ones as possible.

Primarily based in Mumbai, India, he told me how businesses in his local area were all following similar strategies and taking advantage of Google “loopholes” in a number of different niches.

Whatever happens after this interview goes live, he’s not hurting for exciting projects to work on.

That said, I did decline to share it.

An Upfront Admission You (Probably) Won’t Like

The initial version of this interview included Suumit’s site, niche, rankings and a deep-dive into some of the backlinks that are helping him rank.

I knew it would get the SEO world talking — perhaps more so than when I shared the story of 10 Beasts.

Yet, three weeks after he first reached out, I sent him an email with the subject line “A genuine concern”.

My fear was that while he was revealing information that was inspiring and insightful to those involved in SEO (and especially affiliate SEO), he was perhaps also providing enough ammo for trigger-happy Google employees to issue him with a manual penalty.

After all, a few months after I shared the story of 10 Beasts which went niche-viral, that’s exactly what they received.

(The owner had been talking about his site and tactics in the open for months on his personal site – and the penalty was revoked just 48 hours later – but I accept I likely had a part in bringing the site unwanted attention).

In the email I explained that we shouldn’t reveal the site because I don’t want to be responsible for any issues that may arise.

He genuinely didn’t seem to care, and still wanted to go ahead, but I would later repeat my recommendation to which he finally relented.

To be clear, I have no problem if Suumit wants to reveal the site elsewhere. I’m sure many bloggers would jump at the chance and the end result would undoubtedly be more interesting than my own version.

With that said, this is a case study without a website attached.

If you’re looking for a URL, you might want to leave this article right now. It isn’t here.

Suumit fully expects some people to find the site in question but at least it will be far fewer than if I were to link to it outright. If you do find it, please keep it to yourself.

He accepts that sharing his story may result in negative consequences but there are enough insights here that help him serve his mission of people looking at SEO in a different light (depending on their current perspective, of course).

Only after I knew he worked on a number of projects far more successful than this one was I willing to share his redacted interview. His background is pretty incredible for someone so young and I have a feeling he’s just getting started…

The Backlinks That Rank (Whitehats, Look Away Now)

One of the biggest criticisms I faced when I covered the story of 10 Beasts was that I didn’t dive into their link profile in more detail.

The owner, Luqman, had been so open about his tactics on his own site that I didn’t feel the need to repeat them.

To me the real story was that a young site with so few pages was making so much money. The reaction to that article showed I was far from alone in thinking that.

There isn’t a world of difference between Suumit’s site and Luqman’s 10 Beasts.

Both primarily make money from recommending products with an Amazon affiliate link.

Both have very basic designs with less than perfect content, and both have a domain age that makes you wonder why your own projects didn’t succeed so quickly.

Because I’m not revealing Suumit’s site I feel like we can be more open about his link building strategy, because it’s possibly a huge part of why this site – and similar sites I’ve seen – are ranking.

So what is his strategy that might get him in trouble? Redirecting expired domains that already have links.

Not so much building sites on them, but just doing straight redirects to the site he wishes to rank.

Thanks to this, Suumit technically has great links from sites like the LA Times, The Verge and Gizmodo.

The stats for one domain that now redirects to Suumit’s site

“Over the years I have realized that the value of links which are available for free or can be acquired publicly is dropping day by day.”

He continued, “Found a site with great authority? Chances are it will already no-follow outbound links or will in few months once the SEO community finds about it. Any new “method” which becomes public gets abused a lot in this industry. Scholarship link building is a good example of that.”

When I asked if he was involved in other strategies he said that his biggest problem with paid links or guest posts is that any of his competitors could replicate the same links.

With his own network of domains and sites he didn’t have that problem, and could (mostly) stay under the radar.

Though many people are afraid to utilise these tactics incase they get caught, they can work well, and Suumit’s site is a prime example of that.

After this interview we’ll get thoughts on the site from three well-known names in SEO so you don’t just have to trust what I think of it.

Let’s dive in…

First of all, a lot of people are going to ask…why are you willing to do this interview? What’s the benefit for you?

The reason I wanted to do this interview is because SEO is changing dramatically and getting immensely competitive.

Search engines like Google and Bing are investing a crazy amount of money and resources to make their search results better and there are very few good places on the internet where you learn the latest changes made in search algorithms.

I’ve been active on dozens of platforms to stay up to date with the latest SEO hacks and surprisingly everyone keeps talking about the same old things again and again.

For instance, most people haven’t moved on from talking about H1 tag optimization or they’re still scraping domains and setting up PBN’s in the traditional way.

I’m a big believer that knowledge which makes people’s lives better should be freely available. So, I hope this real-case study will help people out there to understand how SEO is evolving and how they can change their traditional SEO approach and do things differently to achieve better results.

Did you start the website yourself?

Yes! I started this website by myself.

How about the domain? Was that available from a registrar or did you get it through another process?

It was an expired domain that I found within a matter of minutes when I decided to set up a blog related to health. I just applied a few filters – such as only looking for domains which contain the word “health” – and they must not have any spammy links pointing to them.

Although this is the traditional way, I’ve recently started using a new approach for finding brandable domain names that have a good backlink profile.

I created a central database of approximately 1.7 million domains. These domains all have live backlinks from sites like Forbes, The Huffington Post and any authority site you can think of.

One can easily get a list like this using Ahrefs.

All you have to do is enter the URL of an authoritative website and download all of their outbound linking domains.

You can then apply further criteria such as only pulling back domains with a DR (Domain Rating) of 15-40, because it’s very rare that a domain with a higher DR will expire.

I’ve then built some technology which allows me to the check the domain name availability of around 7,000 domains per minute and I’m running a cron-job which keeps checking the entire database on a daily basis.

As soon as any domain is available, I get an email notification.

Suumit’s custom domain name notifications

I know a lot of people are doing the same thing, but they’re doing it manually.

In my case, I don’t need to touch anything for months and I keep getting good domains arriving directly to my inbox.

Checking the availability status of thousands of domains per minute is a big deal since there are no bulk domain name checker API’s available. The cost of running this infrastructure is less than $50/m.

Note from Glen: We’ll dive into Suumit’s link building strategy more later on. For now, I wanted to learn more about the project.

The site is ranking very well for a lot of high-ticket “best product” terms in the health space. What was your inspiration to get involved in this particular niche?

I’ve been working with plenty of Series A+ funded startups and few big corporates and helping them to grow their userbase and revenue with SEO.

As you know, SEO changes at the speed of light and I don’t want to take the risk of trying new methodologies on clients websites directly before I test them on my own projects so I usually have multiple test projects on the side.

Coming back to your question of “Why this niche?”, I seriously don’t know much about health — I’m 27 and weigh 54KGs (119 lbs).

The reason I chose this niche is because one of my close friends recently sold his blog for half a million dollars targeting the exact same keywords. I knew all of the revenue and competitor information for the space so it was “proven” and that’s why I went ahead.

My main objective behind these side-projects is simply this: Try new things and make money at the same time.

Do you ever spend time updating the content? Are you worried about your pages not being as good as they could be?

Note: In private I had picked out some articles and their typos and grammatical errors to go with this question. For this interview I have rewritten some of Suumit’s answers (with his permission) as, understandably, English is not his first language.

“Content” is one of those words I hate the most. Not being able to generate quality content is my biggest failure to date.

Being from India, it’s rare to find a local writer who can write articles like a native English speaker. I tried working with freelancers from the United States but my experience wasn’t that great.

I haven’t updated the content on money-making articles for months.

All I’m doing is pushing 3-4 new articles per month of 800-900 words each and trying to make sure I won’t fall under the “thin content” website-type.

Just to clarify, the existing articles on the website are written by around five freelancers from different places like Upwork and local Indian resources.

Of course I’m worried about the pages not being so good in terms of content but I’m not sure I’ll spend more time fixing them. Instead, I’ll build tech products and grow the sites like crazy.

For instance, three years back I launched an app called Grappr which is a community of Indian users where they get paid for doing microtasks such as app downloads or app reviews.

Within a year that app grew to 1M+ active users with 4.5 Avg rating from over twenty thousand users.

I view myself as a “growth hacker” more than an SEO.

I assume there are some pages making more money than others? Which rankings are the most valuable for you?

On Amazon Associate-style websites there are mainly three types of pages:

Product Category Search – For example, “Best Standing Desk to Buy in 2018 – A Complete Buying Guide”

Product Brand / Model Search – For example, “Varidesk ProDesk 60 Electric Reviews”

– For example, “How to Reduce Repetitive Strain Injury With a Standing Desk.”

Usually the competition for product and category related terms is pretty high in the health niche but they can give you crazy returns if you rank in the top positions.

Product brand / model related keywords can be ranked easily but their revenue potential is lower.

For me, only the first and second type of pages are making money, though the third type of pages can attract a lot of legitimate backlinks.

With Amazon lowering commissions and thus your earnings, have you tried to work with companies directly to increase your revenue?

Amazon lowering commissions is indeed a real pain and a constant threat to almost everyone who is in this game.

I tried working with manufacturers directly and while the commission structures was better, the revenue was much lower than with Amazon.

Clicks being sent from Suumit’s site to Amazon on a weekly basis

Most phsyical health product creators don’t have affiliate sales tracking in place so it becomes difficult to work with them. I also believe people trust Amazon more, especially when the transaction size is pretty significant.

On top of that, Amazon gives me a commission for anything & everything the user purchases – so it’s a win-win situation for me.

As per last years report, only 30% of users I sent to Amazon purchased the products I recommended; the rest purchased something else. Yet I still got paid for all of those transactions.

Add in real transparency, trusted tracking, on-time payment, and the considerable brand Amazon have built, I believe it makes sense to stick with them for now.

You recently redesigned the site and I have to say it looks much better. What was your inspiration for that? To increase conversions / look better for a manual review / something else?

I’ve recently started working around conversion optimization and unlike content, I actually enjoy the design part.

According to Full Story – a tool which gives a real-time data of how users are interacting with the website – my users’ experience on a mobile device wasn’t that great.

The New Year is approaching and according to last years data, revenue could go as high as 3X within next 60 days.

Improving health is the most common New Years resolution for people so I redesigned the website for a better user experience and conversion rate.

Is this your most successful affiliate site or do you have others in the wings as well?

The definition of success is different for every individual and talking regarding monetary value this website is adding, this is a successful project. I own a bunch of other websites and apps too (although I have a lot of failed projects as well).

Out of all of these properties, a few are affiliate sites and a few are tech products.

Apart from these, I’ve been working with tech startups who are operating at a scale and looking to expand further online.

What would you say to those going through this model already and not seeing success, or those thinking of starting?

Talking specifically about Amazon Associate sites, most of the sites I see are just creating list articles and repeatedly explaining the same product features. They aren’t adding any valuable information.

For example, actual video reviews of a product isn’t present on more than 95% of them.

Since the last few Google updates I’ve realized that ranking Amazon niche sites (or any kind of website in general) is becoming more time-consuming. With sites that aren’t successful I can usually see it’s because their content isn’t up to par or they need a better link profile.

People who are just thinking of starting an Amazon affiliate site (or any sort of website) should spend more time on creating valuable content and then build links in a smart way.

Never rely on free guest posts or directory submissions or blog comments. Those are old techniques and don’t work as well anymore.

If you really want to dominate search then try building what I referred to in the interview as “exclusive” links. Links that competitors can’t pick up as easily because you’re building them through your own properties.

/Fin

Suumit had not asked for any of his projects to be linked to but he did mention a rank tracker he’s working on, Rankz, that he’s hoping to grow. After all he’s shared here, it’s the least I can support him with so I’ll personally be trying it out in the next few weeks.

Thanks for your time, Suumit!

Three SEO Friends Share Their Thoughts

As I mentioned in the introduction, it was my idea to not share Suumit’s site with the world.

I know a possibly penalty wouldn’t be too detrimental to him but it’s not something I want to increase the likelihood of.

With that said, I did ask Suumit if we could ask some outside experts for their views on the site so people didn’t just have to trust us.

In the order I received a response, here are some other takes.

First up is Nick Eubanks from Traffic Think Tank.

The site is a pretty amazing anomaly if you ask me. The design is as basic as it gets, the content is thin – has no tone or legitimacy, and the internal links are partial match at best.

Yet the site has made strategic use of some old school link building techniques that definitely still work and managed to rack up over 2,300 RD’s in Ahrefs and rank for over 28k keywords, with nearly 1,800 ranking on the first page of Google. Most of these terms are commercial intent terms with several thousand searches per month each.

Crazier still is the domain was registered just over 2 years ago in February of 2016 and is already scoring in the upper echelon of all sites for Domain Rating. I’m a bit uneasy with how well this site is doing, all things considered.

Thanks, Nick!

Next up we have Tommy Griffith, a former SEO for Airbnb from ClickMinded.

It looks like there are some very strong rankings here for a number of valuable affiliate terms. You can see the clear moment in time where there was an investment in PBNs – and for now, it looks like it’s working.

Most of the links are on pages with a very small number of external links, and it looks like there is good contextual relevancy on about half the domains. The other half are from sites that don’t look like they’re related to the topic – but again, yes, this looks like it’s working.

Finally, Britney Muller of Moz fame kindly contributed her time.

They’ve actually done a great job of optimizing page titles and on-page content. The use of enticing titles like ‘Best of’ and ‘DO NOT BUY before reading this’ helps increase CTRs. The blog posts are also really clean and without sidebars. The Titles, URLs, and headings are well optimized for Featured Snippets (to which they have several high volume FSs).

Their straightforward IA is commendable; this isn’t a cluttered website with a dozen navigation items. It’s a basic free theme with the only dropdown (and footer) linking to their primary money pages. This helps to optimize their crawl budget and funnel any homepage traffic to their top affiliate posts. The homepage is clean and simply showcases the most recent blog posts.

The one thing that stood out was the appearance of seeded community blog comments with frequently asked questions about the page topic. I would never recommend creating fake accounts to seed questions and manufacture engagement, just include those FAQs in their own section on the page. However, it would be interesting to test this to see if Google deems comment activity/content more or less valuable.

Moz found the most backlinks for this site (just sayin!) and the profile is fascinating. It becomes immediately clear that a savvy link builder helped acquire a few things to increase the link authority being passed to this site.

I still don’t know how people are going to react to an affiliate case study without an actual site attached but I like to think this feedback gives you a much better idea of what’s working for them.

If I can add my own commentary, I have to admit that the site looked pretty terrible before the recent redesign. With the spelling and grammatical mistakes throughout the content – they are not small or random occurrences – I would be pretty disappointed to land on it via a search.

Especially when the products Suumit is ranking for are not cheap.

He has made some clear efforts to improve things here and he posts quite a lot of content that isn’t written just to make money so it’s definitely becoming a better resource.

That said, I don’t think any of these were needed to please Google, who have been rewarding the site regardless.

Redirecting Expired Domains: The Main Link Building Tactic In Question

As with most sites, Suumit’s affiliate site has links from a number of different sources.

The ones with the most authority undoubtedly come from purchasing expired domains that already have links and redirecting them.

The domain he’s ranking was also an expired domain which had previously picked up links.

Detailed Pro hopefully shows how focused on link building I am so while I have redirected expired domains to other sites before I’ve never really pushed the effectiveness of it.

I would usually build a site on the domain and then link out from it (like a PBN).

If you’re been in SEO for a while then you’ll know that both of these strategies are far from new.

If you were to ask about its effectiveness on Blackhat World, you’ll probably get a response that suggests looking at all of the other threads on the topic, like so:

If you go to a course sharing site like Udemy, you’ll find it’s very popular over there as well:

In other words, it has been around for a while, and many people know about it.

Suumit, as far as I know, is one of the first people who has basically said, “This is what I do, and here’s the kind of results I’m getting.”

However, he’s certainly not alone.

According to my Ahrefs usage stats I’ve checked the backlink profile of thousands of sites in the past year alone and I’m constantly finding high-trafficked sites that employ this tactic.

A recent site relying on it heavily isn’t doing too badly:

This site has some incredible links thanks to other domains that now redirect to them.

To stick with the theme of the post so you don’t just have to believe me alone, I asked Ahrefs CMO Tim Soulo to verify that graph and their links.

He has.

For those who know about the tactic already I really hope you got something out of this interview.

For those who are completely new to the concept, you might have a few questions in mind, so I thought I would answer them FAQ-style.

“So all I have to do is find dropped domains and redirect them?”

That is what appears to be working incredibly well for a lot of sites, yes.

But in that same vein, you will find many people who say they tried to do the same thing and saw little to no results from their efforts.

Depending on your source of domain names and the niche you’re in, this can be an expensive exercise.

As with anything when it comes to search, there are no guarantees, but I should add the warning that I wouldn’t ‘test’ this on a site that you care about.

Set-up a new brand and don’t risk your own or client websites in the process.

“Surely Google can just block this tactic from working?”

Perhaps, but there are a lot of genuine use cases for it.

Sometimes sites change names and want to redirect all of their ‘juice’ to a new brand. That can include letting domains expire before they are picked up and used.

Sometimes companies acquire other businesses and merge multiple sites into one.

Not every example of one domain redirecting to another is someone trying to game search results in their favour.

“OK, then maybe a red flag if a lot of domains redirect somewhere else?”

It’s certainly possible Google have something like this in play but if it caused an obvious and immediate penalty it would be a bit too easy to hurt your competitors.

“What if I build a site on an expired domain that I try to rank?”

I’ve heard of a lot of success stories relating to this so it can definitely work.

People buy domains that have dropped all of the time and build legitimate resources on them. I wasn’t the first person to own Detailed.com – so it isn’t exactly “shady” either.

Suumit’s site is built on an expired domain that already had links to it. There’s no way to say for certain that they helped, but logic would suggest they likely did.

Especially when he was dominating search results within a few months.

“Didn’t Google say this shouldn’t work? Won’t they?

If recent trends in SEO are anything to go by, we’ll see a Google denouncement of this entire concept shortly ;).

It is entirely possible that the expired domains aren’t helping the site in any way, even though it’s a large part of their strategy (notice how Tommy mentioned PBNs rather than redirected domains).

If you are going to try it yourself, you could invest a lot of time and effort with nothing to show for it.

I’ve seen the subdomain vs sub-folder debate where people are convinced subfolders are better and show the rankings improvement but neglect to state they changed their URL structure, internal links and so on.

Back in 2003, ‘GoogleGuy’ said,

you can get that domain into Google; you just won’t get credit for any pre-existing links.

While 15 years is a long time in SEO, this should mean that the tactic doesn’t work at all.

A few years after that, Google’s Matt Cutts said,

There are some domain transfers ( e.g. genuine purchases of companies) where it can make perfect sense for links to transfer. But at the same time it wouldn’t make sense to transfer the links from an expired or effectively expired domain, for example. Google (and probably all search engines) tries to handle links appropriately for domain transfers.

On a webmaster hangout in December of 2016, Google’s John Mueller said,

Sometimes we recognise that a new site is completely unrelated to an old site. So for example if you go out and buy an old domain name, it might have been a church website for 10 years. If we recognise your new website is really not the same as it was, then we need to understand that difference and say that, these links, they apply to the old website but they don’t apply to the new one.

That certainly doesn’t seem to be as definitive as the statement from 2003 and seems to tie more into the relevance of the new site.

Either way Google will win any argument on this topic because they can always say (and often do) some variation of “We just don’t count those links.”

I can’t find more recent updates than that but I will update this article if I find them. Danny Sullivan had a nice guide to this back in 2009.

“Where can I find expired domains?

Just to reiterate, keep in mind this tactic goes against Google’s guidelines depending on how you implement it so be very cautious about using it on sites you care about.

If you’ve decided you want to give it a try, you have a few options available.

First of all, you could follow Suumit’s method and find domains with the links you want first, and then build a tool to constantly monitor their availability.

I recently built just that as an experiment and tried it out on around 30,000 domains:

Im my first crawl I found two domains out of 30,000 that were available and worth picking up.

So even if a lot of people are aware of this model, there are great domains up for grabs.

To get the 30,000 domains took less than 30 minutes – including filtering – but you will need an Ahrefs, Moz, SEMRush or similar account.

Creating the tool in the first place is more costly, but shouldn’t set you back more than $1,000.

If you have a large budget it’s probably better to go via the Ahrefs API – or similar platform API’s – because the constant downloading of CSV’s and filtering the results is a bit laborious (especially when you get into tracking millions of domains).

Another option is to go to auction sites like GoDaddy Auctions and watch what is available.

You could of course simply Google “purchase expired domains” or “purchased dropped domains” and find a lot of resources that way.

I have personally implemented another system which cost around $750 to set-up and $500/m ongoing and is finding at least two register-worthy domains per day. If there is enough interest in this article, I’ll happily share that strategy in a future blog post.

(I don’t redirect these domains, but they are useful for other purposes. I’ll purchase a new batch this week solely for the purpose of a redirect experiment as well).

If I’ve missed anything, please do let me know in the comments. Suumit might join in as well if you have any questions for him.

Thank you for reading!

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[whatyousaiddotcom-blog]

SOME CORRESPONDENCE OF SC

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), November 2014

SC     11/29/14    to JM

Dear JM,

it was nice to see you other other day at the demo....im not exactly sure how to start this email but our exchange keeps repeating on me...so i thought i would write to you... i was a bit irrked that you seemed surprised that I said I was feeling quite shit and when you asked me whats up etc

I'm starting to think you have no idea what the impact the bloomsbury ten stuff has had on me... i wanted to write to you so you had some type of idea...

as Im sure your aware everything sparked up again recently ( it actually sparked up (intensely) again a few weeks before K’s piece of writing but i wont go into that here ). and there is now a name and shame blog doxing me and the others and accusing us of various crimes.

I know you have not partaken in this and even tried to calm thing down on fb at one point.... but it doesnt help and things are really bad.

there are a BUNCH of people who read our intervention letter who have grossly and purposely falsified what we originally wrote -  you know many of these people  - ( ie NBa, RA-D, P, STA, etc many others ) and im sure you have seen this stuff circulating recently and over the last few years.

they accuse us of at least these things:

- victim blaming

-denying it happened

-calling her a liar

- asking for more evidence

- asking about her sexual history

-bullying and harassing her

-saying it was her fault.

yet anyone who read / reads the original letter and who has basic comprehension skills can clearly see that none of these things happened. these are projections onto what we wrote and not our words at all. obviously we cannot even defend ourselves publicly to refute these malicious claims without picking over detail and i think no one thinks it would be appropriate or right to do this as both the first email and our response have details of …. This has left space for others to twist and turn and lie about what we originally wrote.

Im not saying you should agree with what we wrote or our intervention but seriously these lies about what happened are more than malicious and completely untrue. equally as for the claims that we were were hiding behind anonymity  -  we went to BOTH follow up meetings after we wrote the letter and everyone knew who we were -  we also agreed to go to a third meeting but that never happened .... the only reason people have my name now is because i went to a meeting and made myself known like everyone else. i hardly think this is hiding ...

---

i want you to understand the effect this has had on me not just in the last month or so but over the last few years as well.

firstly i had so much self doubt to the point that i felt that i WAS a victim blaming rape apologist and that what we had written was of that effect. I had to read and re read what we wrote over a couple of hundred times ( and that is not an exaggeration )  -  i have read it over and over to try and understand peoples accusations...finally in desperation I showed it privately to (redacted) who were not part of writing the original statement -  from (redacted) to  (redacted)  - i showed it to very smart and honest people-  EVERYBODY was fucking shocked at the way what we wrote had been interpreted. It is only with the most decontextualised and ungenerous reading of about one line that you could move to a victim blaming reading...... this response /  projection is complete gas lighting and really hurtful and dangerous. ( esp for me as i have pretty serious mental health issues)

over the last weeks, basically after K wrote her piece, i repeatedly felt suicidal and got very very ill... al had to take time off to stay with me and look after me. I couldnt walk i couldnt eat and i couldnt sleep. i was completely haunted by the trial by social media ( i actually still am). and the very malicious smears against me and the others. I basically had a complete breakdown and had to be put in touch with a crisis mental health team and was very close to hospitalization.... and although i am on the mend now i am very far from being well and am dosed up to the eyeballs on meds and still have very low days. this has had an extreme impact on me.

Im not sure if you know this but i lost my father at the beginning on this year.... its really been the year from hell. I was just starting to recover from his death and then this stuff comes up and was the final straw and knocked me sideways...

many people of twiiter who tweet about this like its a fucking sport know not only that i lost my dad this year but that i have stress triggered mental health problems... this doesnt seem to stop them from massively false and malicious tweets. I have had PERSONAL abuse from R and there are a lot of men who have taken a delight in taking a stand against me ( victim blaming rape appologist ) and think its fine to stick my name on a blog and spread lies about me ( obviously i deserve it).....

to get proof of who was saying what I literally had to witness my own online abuse in real time as a live twitter feed -  i had to screen grab the lot before people could deny or delete what they were saying or block me - please try to imagine what its like to photograph your own abuse as spectacle on twitter. ....

anyway i have proof of a lot of what and who has been saying what now...

----

to be honest im not even telling you the half of what has gone on , on the impact this has had on me and others and of how upset i am by the sheer dishonesty, cruelty and sadistic abuse that has happened. ontop of that no one says anything and people like RA-D, M and NBa and P go on as if nothing has happened.

---

i know you havent joined in in any of this and you didnt ask for it to happen. I have to be honest with you though -  neither you , JB, SB, or MC [the accountability panel] have ever said anything and this really hurts. you were all part of the original group who wrote the letter and tried to sort things out.... no one has said anything and it has spiralled to the point that it has.... you all have been able to walk away.... it was very hard to have you bounce up to me at the demo and be surprised that i was not ok or ask why i was not ok.....

i am basically known on twitter as a rape appologist for things i haven’t done and haven’t said. have another look at what was written   - we never disputed what [REDACTED]  said once -  we criticised the process as we said we didn’t think things were being dealt with in a serious or appropriate way -  we NEVER disputed what she said or said it was her fault and we always said that it needed to be dealt with... its written in the statement which im sure you still have..

i dont really know why im writing this... i know you disagree with what we wrote  - i disagree with what was originally written  - but never did i think you were coming from a bad place -  i know you were trying to do the right thing.... i feel like people assumed the very very worst of me and others and that it is grossly ungenerous and now is dishonest and cruel.

i dont know what to say really - im still not ok about any of this and now every time i go on social media or to a demo I must wonder if i must see people like RA-D. NBa etc acting like nothing bad has happened, acting like they are not abusive and dishonest and that there will be no repercussion for how they have treated me and others.

— ( screen grabs sent including death threat screen grab)

i have plenty more screen grabs that just a very very small selection..

(redacted)

if you think about it " pls remind me who im missing out"

he purposely left my name out ( he knew i was part of b10 ) then asked people to remind him of my name in the  separate next tweet ... please run that around in your head and think about what that means and why he did that... he takes a massive pleasure in being purposely abusive to me personally... its a fucking sport to him..... and no body said anything.

———

sorry to keep emailing  -  only to say i probably have left my flat less than 15 times in the past two months /  two and half months since this has kicked off.... im basically non functional and i spent about a month uncontrollably weeping for most of the time i was awake... quite literally  -  u can ask anyone from a to DG or MH  to the crisis team or my dr -  who took it in turns looking after me during the worst parts of it.

that i have to put up with abusive men like RA-D or women like NBa and P ( because i deserve it for being a rape apologist ) is beyond a joke.

you know very little about my life and nor does anyone else - i have NOT had an easy life , the statistical chances of  me being relatively sane , functional and with a good post grad education are much less than 1 percent.

and now i have to put up with a bunch of very well educated privileged student activists who I know to have high comprehension and reading skills fucking lying about what i/others have written and done is a fucking joke.

and that they purport to do this in the name of countering gendered structural violence is a fucking disgrace.

JM    11/29/14    to SC

Hey S,

I had no idea it had gotten this bad and that it was ongoing.

DG mentioned some of this to me a few weeks ago but but then I had only seen a small amount of the backlash on M's facebook wall, which is what I responded to. It seemed like it had flared up around K's post but was beginning to die down. I don't use twitter that much, partly because of the irritating dogmatism and pernicious attitudes it seems to produce (case in point), so I hadn't seen any of the stuff on there. I either don't follow, don't know, or have stopped following the people you mentioned and have generally distanced myself from a lot of the left-crowd in the past year for a number of reasons - but partly because I find the language and mentality which seems to have developed so off-putting that I no longer feel a part of the same discourse - the result is that I'm perhaps more out of the loop than you were aware.

Whatever type of anarchism it is that justifies this kind of behaviour I don't want any part of, and can't think of anything more willfully destructive than posting people's names on the internet or threatening people with violence. I can understand why [REDACTED] is angry about what happened but I can't for the life of me understand how this will help anything beyond a misplaced desire for arbitrary retribution.

You know my feelings about what was written, but as far as I'm concerned it is in the past. I'm sure that if we could go back in time everybody would have gone about things differently on all sides. What matters to me is where people's heart is - I have no doubt whatsoever that people like yourself and MH are good people with the best intentions. I wouldn't maintain the fondness I hold for both of you if I didn't. JBR and some of the others I'm less sure about - there are some good parts to him, but I don't trust him enough to be as close as I once was; being polemic or 'critical' often seems more important to him than generosity of spirit, and he can consequently be quite nasty to people with very little reason. He is far better at sowing division than anything else. I think RB is a good man but sometimes lets his friendship with JB cloud his judgement, as it did mine at points in the past. I certainly don't harbour ill will towards him, even if I felt initially hurt by him, and I'm sad we're not as close to each other because of all this stuff - I feel like I lost an important friend. I haven't come across RL in the past few years but I'd like to hope we'd be able to clear the air one day if we did cross paths. I've never had any reason to doubt she's a lovely person who got caught up in an extremely difficult situation and any hostility she expressed was an understandable product of that.

As for now, I don't think anybody has any answers to this stuff and if we're going to come up with anything of meaning or value it will require thinking through the kind of criticisms K made in her post, many of which are inarguable. At the same time we can't just ignore issues when they arise for the sake of convenience. Unfortunately the political climate seems completely anathema to learning anything productive from what has happened and looks to bully people (how much easier) on social media instead - hence my increasing sense of frustration with the 'scene' and my desire to become more distant from it.

I haven't been staying silent because I'm okay with what's happening - I simply haven't encountered it except on M’s facebook wall, where I intervened accordingly. If this starts to happen again send me a message and I will offer whatever weight I have as someone who criticised the original statement. I'm wary of putting something up out of the blue lest it simply stir the whole thing up again, but if others are doing that anyway let me know.

I hope you're doing okay.  if you want to have a drink and chat about any of this or life generally just drop me a line.

J x

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), April 2015

to JM

and are any other accountability group members coming to the meeting?

JM    4/26/15    to sc

Yep that's fine for me - as to the others I don't know, I prodded them the other week but no one replied. I think I'm right in saying that no one was opposed to talking on principle but that there were reservations about it being a larger meeting, what the objective was, how it might be framed etc. If we're going with the 6th then I'll send a message and see what they say.

SC    4/26/15    to JM

no one is going to frame anything .i have always been open with you about my thoughts on this...i think its better for all of us that other people, who are wise and have good politics esp gender politics... are there to advise us all.... i would like people to stop abusing me for stuff i havent done, written , said thought, think etc.. i dont think its a big ask for the group to come considering they were at the heart of the process. i know none of them have been abusive towards me... however they were intitated a process that has become way out of control...i think people need to face up to what has and is happening in an honest way. as i have said many times i have evidence of people smearing me and abuseing me online. there is a very male core to alot of this abuse. i need to make this stop. my endurance for this has run out and its making me exreamly ill. please communicate to the the seriousness of this situation.

and apart from myself i ( unlike all the liars say) worry a great deal about [REDACTED]..I am totally unable to approach her to try and get aid with resolution for her, which she clearly needs.

basically JM i am not despite what many people write about me online , some type of evil bastard and neither is anyone else. the way we have been and are being treated is unjustifiable and it needs to stop, be confronted and people need to take responsibilty for their actions. i am sick of being hounded online and being villified to a large invisible audience. i am sick of people justifying their abuse cos they think i deserve it. - that actually is victim blaming and it needs to stop.

SC     4/26/15    to JM

i have a folder with 6 months worth of abuse  -  which is about 300 tweets, thats is just a tiny tiny percentage of what has been going on. within this folder i have a sub folder of people joking about putting me in a black bin liner, stabbing me, glassing me and saying that i should be killed.  when are people going to wake up?? i am a real person, this has a real imapct on me.  i suffer real mental health issues, which are classed as a severe disability. do u understand that if i have a sever breakdown i have zero garentee of " coming out" of a psycotic state? have you any idea what it is like to live with that thought?

how can i get this into peoples heads here??? i have STRESS TRIGGERED PSYCOSIS. -  i cant really understand how this cannot at least move people to take some kind of action? or is it that they think that cos i am a " victim blamer" ( which i am not ) that i should just suffer the abuse that i am receiving?

do they need doctors notes? i have access to 18 years worth. i am not making my health problems up....

SC     4/26/15    to JM

do u realise that this is not going to go away? i cant live like this.

they cant justify their abuse. because thats what it is.

SC     4/26/15    to JM

i hope that all of you in the accountability group will stop  not see this as an attack on you all and start to face up to what is actually going on here. i incuded people like np, tz and dg on the list becuase i am hopeing that you might talk with them and listen to them about this, you all clearly have zero respect for me and dont believe me.. but myabe you will listen to them? some other perspectives?

JM     4/27/15    to SC

I don't think I've given you any reason to feel I have zero respect for you, Sophie, or the others. I'm coming to the meeting - I'm just relating as best I can what other people feel. I understand their caution, and I can't force them to do anything. I will say that I worry about seeing me or the others as the solution to this - ultimately it isn't coming from us, and none of us share personal relationships or even a political outlook any more with the people involved. To me this is exactly the problem with abandoning the notion of being part of a community with obligations to each other, and what happens if there's no process in place that can bring closure to a problem - which takes us back to the original disagreements I suppose. This was an issue whether anyone wanted to address it or not.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

No one expects any forcing. Some of those in the accountability group are pretty close to some extremely abuseive people. I find it abhorrent. Maybe JB MC Sb etc might well talk to them off social media?  I don't know really. It seems odd that a group of people who used to be my friends and who profess to want to deal with gendered violence just shrug their shoulders and say this is a consequence of what u wrote. Or something similar. I have pointed out a number of times how what we wrote has been undeniably and maliciously distorted - and then this distortion used as a pretext for abuse. I m not the only person who think this, I have shown the text to NP, MV, TZ,  DG and other people I trust and asked them to read it for the things that we all have been accused of, (redacted) and said that I would apologies if it had blamed her, I lost complete trust in my own capacity to have faith in my own motivations and actions. That is actually gas lighting. Ikon wits not coming from u ( well I actually have at least one horrible grab from SB) but a lot of it is coming fro. People who were on that list or went to the meetings. Plenty people are making excuses for all this is more than shocking... It's like some bastard of Lord of the flies and the Salam witch trails on acid. I have men beating up on me online for things they know I haven't said. And even if I had said them it would still be unjustifiable.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

JM I'm sorry I'm a 35 year old working class woman with severe mental health problems. I was (redacted) and had (redacted). Before I went to university, at 25 my life was spent in (redacted) institutions and women's (redacted). Against statistical odds of probably less than one percent I have a post grad and had hoped to do a PhD. My life was for the first time on 30 years starting to settle. This is ruining me. It's making me ill. I have these disgusting middle class pricks hounding me online for sport and cred. I'm not MH and I'm not JBR and this b10 stuff does not play out in an equal way for us all. For me it is extreeamly traumatic due to who I am and the life that I have lived. As I told you it's making me ill, I am extreeamly lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Please take time to get educate yourself about schizo effective effective disorder and its relationship to stress.

I hope that the other accountability group people will come to the meeting and stop being complicit and cowardly.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

I am hoping for some type of collective process or intervention. If this doesn't happen I am forced to take matters into my own hands alone to stop people abuseing me.

JM     4/27/15    to SC

I think it's best I just relate the things you're saying to me directly to the others because, as I've said, I'm coming to the meeting.

Are you alright with that, and if so, is there anything from this thread you'd want me not to pass on?

JM     4/27/15    to SC

to be clear I mean just c/ping the above so they can hear it themselves and decide accordingly. I don't think I can be any more use as a go-between now

SC     4/27/15    to JM

If you think it will help I suppose you should. Please do not copy sections but the whole exchange. I feel angry that I am I a position where I must disclose the shit life I have lived. And which still makes me feel a great deal of shame. At least maybe I won't have to go over it in A meeting publicly.

If I find that anyone had forwarded my email exchange beyond people who were in the accountability group I will be more than angry. Equally if it is subject to gossip or distortion on or off social media and I shall be more than upsset.

Thanks for trying to help.

Correspondence between SC and ZB (who had acted as a representative of [REDACTED] during the accountability meetings), October 2014

HI ZB,

I am writing to you as I have been told by people that we have in common and that i trust that you are solid feminist with good politics. I will try to keep this brief. i am not sure how much you are aware of what has been going on recently and for years. I do not have the energy to go over all of it.

The situation cannot go on as it is. I am getting very ill, I have sever stress triggered schizoaffective disorder. I have lost my father this year too. I have comrades and my partner caring for me, so don't worry about that.

I am worried about  [REDACTED]. ( not [person with same initials] the other one )

here are some of her tweets, i have a million more, this is a random selection. I have seen worse.

— ( screen grabs of [REDACTED] and other actors)

there are a lot of lies being peddled here. Of course i would be extremely angry too i if i thought anyone had denied my suffering and my experience, victim blamed and asked me to evidence it. ( actually the position that i am in now )

there are a network of actors here, between me and you and her, who have deliberately falsified what we originally wrote and did and have done since.  I think they do this to make a political point and to normalize a certain political practice. They can all read well. Im sure a;lot of them have read the original text that was written  ( i have attached it here along with my own writing ).

The ONLY reason myself and others have not defended ourselves in a public way is because we am worried about [REDACTED] safety and sanity . I cannot be a punch bag for these people. they are not her friends/ comrades either and not helping her at all. I feel she needs support but i cannot approach her.

There are a host of people getting a lot of pleasure out of all of this. I have screen grabs of the lot. in amongst them hide some very abusive men.  I have hard evidence of men abusing me on twitter and using [REDACTED]’s trauma as an excuse to do so. there are a bunch of women too who have played a very big part in escalating this to the situation as it currently manifests. I have had to  witness all  abuse play out as a spectacle on twitter.  I have ( had to ) screen grabbed the lot.

I am not asking help with anything other than a good support network for her. I feel that she is surrounded by some very dubious people, with bad politics and ethics.  People who call themselves feminists and communists, who are so far away from that its unreal.

I am sorry to pull you into this but i am worried that lives are at risk. i know you have just had a baby ( congratulations) and i imagine you are time short and tired. If you can think of any thing that might help please let me know.

Solidarity,

SC

ZB    10/13/14    To SC

Hi S. I will use the form on the tumblr to ask for it to be taken down. I don't know who is running it, I was only aware of it after A told me about it yesterday. I have no reason to think that whoever is behind it will listen to me but I will message them.

I have not seen [REDACTED] for almost a year, nor am I able to spend much time on anything political at present as I'm heavily pregnant. Beyond messaging the blog post there isn't anything else I can do at present.

ZB

SC     10/13/14    to ZB

Ok thanks for writting back. I worry for [REDACTED] I really do . Her identity seems very invested in all of this persecution and lies. I don't know how aware she really is in all of this or how much she has been gas lit by others. I am sure you can read and I  sure you can see that we never blamed her nor ignored or denied that it happened or her trauma. We disagreed and intervened  in all of it that is for sure  - we disagreed with how the process was manifesting. but none of us have ever bullied her denied that it happened or asked her for more proof or any of those vicious claims that are currently circulating .

Anyway thanks for your solidarity and for writing to the blog. I wish you luck with your pregnancy. X

Sent with one hand

4. Correspondence with an email list including JM from accountability panel, March 2015. This correspondence took place around DG’s banning from Goldsmiths Occupation. DG was not part of B10.

SC to List

sorry but this is not going away..  -  an argument about safer spaces - will NOT sort this out!

this is too much bs, i need some support i want to confront this its a pack of fucking lies i am sick to my teeth of this.. i want to call it...it absolutely needs to stop and be put right.

J M - YOU WERE IN THE ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP WHICH HAS BEEN COMPLETELY QUIET.!!!.... you need to meet with me and others and this needs to stop! im AM SICK of people spreading lies about me and others and abusing ME AND MY COMRADES on the web for things that were not said and done! I do not give 2 fucks about what any1 thinks the b10's intentions were.... i know what we wrote and what was said in the meetings after.. i also have a ton of screen grabs about all the malicious lies been spread about us...

i have cc'd Ad. into this who has been purged from SF. i hope he will help us sort this out. MB and U and J all vouch for him.

i CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. IT NEEEDS TO BE PUT TO REST!

MB     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Fucking right!

Apparently people have walked out of the occupation due to this, it wasn't democratically agreed upon at all. the occupation statement and the people behind it are fucking idiots.

JM [accountability panel]    3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Oh for fucks sake.

Alright, I've replied with this for now.

"I don't know where you have got your information from but as someone who was involved in trying to address the situation you're referring to I want to make it absolutely clear that DG had nothing to do with the B10 statement, and was nothing but helpful to me and others throughout the process. I can't see how suggestions to the contrary can be justified. Banning him or anyone else from giving talks runs counter to everything that was trying to be achieved at that time. For people with no knowledge of what you're referring to it also reads like an extremely serious implication about DG. Please don't put out statements like this without contacting people who actually know about the circumstances, and respect the spirit of their intentions. Get in touch with me or anyone else who was involved if you want to talk about this more, but I strongly suggest you remove this statement and cease implying falsehoods about DG, whether you want him to speak at Goldsmiths or not."

SC - I can only respond to what I see, and have done so when directed to obvious bullshit like this.

AP     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Authoring the thing 'Bloomsbury 10' was so ridiculously stupid. It just sounds so ominous for anyone who hasn't a clue what this is about. I think those involved who havent come forward and defended themselves in writing should probably reconsider as this obviously isnt going away.

SC     3/28/15    to kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.  AK

All, JM,

I really do appreciate that you have made a clarification about DG.. however this for me does not cut it at all as it does NOT address the false claim against b10.

to go over this again, the claims are based on the letter that we wrote to the email list, which i attach again, with my underlined parts.

the claims that are made against us that i have screen grabs of, are :

- we victimed blamed and are rape appologists

- that we harrassed [REDACTED] and made her life hell in the ensuing years

- that we hid under a cloak of anonimity - ( WE WENT TO 2 FOLLOW UP MEETINGS in the following week -  making it obvious who we were and what we wrote)

- that was said she was lying /  making it up /  said it was her fault

PLEASE READ WHAT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN ON THE STATEMENT!!!!!!  IT IS ATTACHED!!!!!

to make this really clear pls read what i wrote in another p[rivate email to a member of sf earlier this month in regards to this letter:

----

I am prepared to take responsibility and argue over the contents of a letter i help write, discuss what it means, and the impact of it and its context... i am not prepared to accept falsifications of what was written, nor projections onto it by others of any inherent meaning or imagined bad motivation or intention.......

for example, i think a reading that is used to justify a lot of the victim blaming label attached to me ( and others ) in relation to the letter ( which after all started all this off more or less)  logically works like this:

the first move is to take a single paragraph out of the context of the whole document ( i mean the paragraph that mentions the accountability panels omission of the discussion of knife play - i think this section is what cause most but not all of the accusations of rape apologia and victim blaming etc)

the second move is then  to do two things with the de-contextualized paragraph:

1) make it stand it and negate every other written word on the b10 letter

2) and importantly then make the following argument:

something like ".. any mention of the context of the knife is TANTAMOUNT TO VICTIM BLAMING...." ... the claim is, the context of the knife is both irrelevant and at the same time any mention of it would only (be to) discredit her account...

er hello???? why do THEY think it discredits her account... (this is not what we ever said..we did however write that we fully acknowledge her account, this it needed serious responses which had already started, wanted dialogue and a different way of dealing with /  you can read those sections i have highlighted them)..  ..... this last move.. ( the context is discrediting) is their ( very troubling) projection onto what was intended, meant written, etc etc

im sure you see my point.

please think about the logic of that move....it is very odd and dubious....

-----

the accountability panel were criticised. NOT [REDACTED]!

when is this going to be put to rest..... THE ACCOUNTABILITY PANEL have said NOTHING.. for 3 years!!!!!! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

you and others may disagree with me  / b10 questioning and disrupting the process. BUT NOT BY FALSIFYING WHAT WAS WRITTEN>

I have had to put up with 3 YEARS of gaslighting me, having "anarchist" men abusing me personally, of being doxed online. I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. THIS HAS TO STOP> THIS IS NOT A SAVE DG’s REP CAMPAIGN>

i want a meeting with you JM JB MCe and SB and TJ [all the members of the original accountability panel] and you were ALL in the process and have said NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THE FUCKING LIES AND ABUSE BEING LEVELED AT ME AND OTHERS.

i am sick of this its BULLSHIT.

i spent 4 years of my fucking life in a (redacted)l. i have a locked and hidden social media account FOR A REASON. I WANT THIS SORTED OUT AND THE TUMBLR DOWN.

[mikemortgage]

AP FACT CHECK: Trump camp suggests AG found illegal spying

WASHINGTON — With release of the special counsel’s fuller report looming, President Donald Trump and his campaign are twisting the words of his attorney general and the facts of the Russia investigation.

His 2020 campaign is telling supporters in fundraising pitches that Attorney General William Barr had revealed illegal spying against Trump during the 2016 presidential race. But it’s not true. While Barr told lawmakers that he believed spying took place, he never concluded it was illegal and made clear several times he was not suggesting a crime had occurred.

Meanwhile, Trump kept up his refrain that special counsel Robert Mueller had totally exonerated him despite Mueller’s exact quotes in Barr’s summary that he did not. A redacted version of Mueller’s full report is expected in the coming days.

The misstatements were among a number of factual faux pas and flips in rhetoric this past week.

With his government seeking to prosecute WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, Trump seemed to draw a blank on a hacking organization he praised to the rafters during the 2016 campaign because of the discomfort it caused his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton.

And speaking before Monday’s tax filing deadline, Trump seemed to change the grounds upon which he is refusing to release his taxes: It’s not because he can’t, but because he doesn’t want to.

A look at the claims:

RUSSIA INVESTIGATION

TRUMP CAMPAIGN: “Just this week, Attorney General William Barr said what the President has thought all along, he believes ‘unlawful spying did occur’ against Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign.” — fundraising email sent Saturday to Trump supporters.

TRUMP CAMPAIGN: “AG Barr believes the Obama Admin illegally spied on Pres Trump.” — text sent Friday to Trump supporters.

THE FACTS: The email puts words in Barr’s mouth and seeks to raise money in doing so.

Barr never said there was illegal spying.

During a Senate hearing Wednesday, the attorney general actually made clear he had no specific evidence to cite that any surveillance was illegal or improper.

“I think spying did occur,” Barr told lawmakers. “But the question is whether it was adequately predicated and I’m not suggesting it wasn’t adequately predicated, but I need to explore that.”

He later added: “I am not saying that improper surveillance occurred. I am saying that I am concerned about it and looking into it.”

——

TRUMP: “I’ve been totally exonerated. No collusion. No obstruction.” — remarks Wednesday at the White House.

TRUMP: “I’m not concerned about anything, because frankly there was no collusion and there was no obstruction.” — remarks Thursday with South Korea’s president.

THE FACTS: Barr’s four-page summary of Mueller’s nearly 400-page report did not “totally” exonerate Trump. Mueller specifically states in the report, as quoted by Barr: “While this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.”

The summary of principal conclusions by Barr, released in late March, notes Mueller did not “draw a conclusion — one way or the other — as to whether the examined conduct constituted obstruction,” but rather set out evidence for both sides, leaving the question unanswered of whether Trump obstructed justice. Barr said ultimately he decided as attorney general that the evidence developed by Mueller was “not sufficient” to establish, for the purposes of prosecution, that Trump committed obstruction.

In Senate testimony Wednesday, Barr acknowledged that Mueller did not ask him to draw a conclusion on the obstruction question, nor did he know whether Mueller agreed with him. Barr said he would be able to explain more fully after releasing a public version of Mueller’s report.

——

WIKILEAKS

TRUMP, asked if he still “loves” WikiLeaks: “I know nothing about WikiLeaks. It’s not my thing.” — remarks Thursday with South Korea’s president.

THE FACTS: WikiLeaks was very much Trump’s thing in the final weeks of the 2016 campaign, when candidate Trump showered praise on the anti-secrecy organization night after night.

On the same October day that the “Access Hollywood” tape emerged, revealing that Trump had bragged in 2005 about groping women, WikiLeaks began releasing damaging emails from Clinton’s campaign manager, John Podesta. Trump and his allies seized on the dumps and weaponized them.

“WikiLeaks, I love WikiLeaks,” Trump said in Pennsylvania.

“This WikiLeaks is like a treasure trove,” Trump said in Michigan.

“Boy, I love reading WikiLeaks,” Trump said in Ohio.

All told, Trump extolled WikiLeaks more than 100 times, and a poster of Assange hung backstage at the Republican’s debate war room. At no point from a rally stage did Trump express any misgivings about how WikiLeaks obtained the emails from the Clinton campaign or about the accusations of stealing sensitive U.S. government information, which led to the charges against Assange on Thursday. The U.S. is seeking Assange’s extradition from Britain.

Asked Sunday about Trump’s claim he knew nothing about Wikileaks, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders told Fox News the president “was making a joke during the campaign and was talking about the specifics of the case at that moment.”

——

TAX RETURNS

TRUMP: “As you know, I got elected last time with this same issue. … I would love to give them, but I’m not going to do it while I’m under audit.” — remarks Wednesday to reporters at the White House.

THE FACTS: Nothing’s preventing Trump from releasing his tax returns.

Being under audit is no legal bar to anyone releasing his or her returns.

Asked repeatedly at a House hearing Tuesday whether any regulation prohibited a taxpayer from disclosing returns when under audit, IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig responded “no.”

Trump declined to provide his tax information as a candidate in 2016 and as president, something party nominees have traditionally done in the name of the transparency. By withholding his tax returns, Trump has not followed the standard followed by presidents since Richard Nixon started the practice in 1969. During the campaign, Trump said he wanted to release his returns but because he was under a routine audit, “I can’t.”

After the November midterm elections, Trump claimed at a news conference that the filings are too complex for people to understand.

——

JOB APPROVAL

TRUMP, tweeting a Fox Business Network graphic showing his “soaring approval” at 55% overall: “Great news! #MAGA” — tweet Thursday.

THE FACTS: The graphic on the Georgetown University poll was incorrect: The poll found 55% had an “unfavourable” rating of Trump, not his job approval, from a different poll question. Fox Business issued an on-air correction but Trump’s tweet remains.

——

CLIMATE CHANGE

TRUMP: “We withdrew the United States from the one-sided Paris climate accord, where you don’t do any more drilling for oil and gas. That was going to cost us a lot of money. No more oil and gas with the Paris accord. That’s good for Paris, but that’s not good for us. Right?” — remarks Wednesday at a ceremony for the signing of executive orders meant to accelerate pipeline construction.

THE FACTS: Wrong. The Paris accord does not ban any form of energy development. It does not impose emission caps on signatory countries. The accord is a set of voluntary targets determined by individual nations.

——

IMMIGRATION

TRUMP: “Mexico must apprehend all illegals and not let them make the long march up to the United States, or we will have no other choice than to Close the Border and/or institute Tariffs. Our Country is FULL!” — tweet April 7.

THE FACTS: Despite the overwhelmed southern border, there’s plenty of room in the United States. Dozens of countries have greater population density. It’s only full in terms of the people Trump doesn’t want.

His claim of a U.S. with no vacancies for more immigrants is at odds with his own statement two months ago that encouraged “the largest” influx of legal immigrants ever. It also belies a U.S. reality of aging baby boomers and falling birth rates, which make immigrants increasingly important to sustain a level of population growth for the U.S. economy to keep expanding.

The nation’s population growth is at its lowest since 1937, with the 18-and-under population declining both nationally and in 29 states, according to William H. Frey of the Brookings Institution. Economists say that restricting immigration would probably weaken economic growth. A shrinking labour force could also harm the health and stability of safety net programs such as Social Security and Medicare.

Trump himself seemed to acknowledge the realities during his State of the Union address in February, declaring, “I want people to come into our country, in the largest numbers ever, but they have to come in legally.” He’s now describing a U.S. bursting at the seams, unable to take any immigrants, including those seeking legal asylum.

Immigrants as a whole make up a greater percentage of the total U.S. population than they did back in 1970, having grown from less than 5 per cent of the population to more than 13 per cent now. In 2030, it’s projected that immigrants will become the primary driver for U.S. population growth, overtaking U.S. births.

——

TRUMP on separating migrant children from their parents when caught crossing into the U.S. illegally: “I’m the one that stopped it. President Obama had child separation.” — remarks to reporters Tuesday.

THE FACTS: No, he’s the one who started it on a broad scale. He instituted a “zero tolerance” policy aimed at criminally prosecuting all adults caught crossing into the U.S. illegally. That meant detention for adults and the removal of their children while their parents were in custody. During the Obama administration and the early Trump administration, such family separations were the exception. They became the rule under his policy. He suspended the practice in June because of a public uproar.

——

TRUMP on the family separations: “President Obama had the law. We changed the law, and I think the press should accurately report it but of course they won’t.” — remarks to reporters Tuesday.

THE FACTS: This is false. Trump did not achieve any change in the law.

Trump’s zero-tolerance policy was of his own making. His administration is operating under the same immigration laws as Obama’s.

During the Obama administration and before Trump’s zero-tolerance policy was introduced, migrant families caught illegally entering the U.S. were usually referred for civil deportation proceedings, not requiring separation, unless they were known to have a criminal record. Then and now, immigration officials may take a child from a parent in certain cases, such as serious criminal charges against a parent, concerns over the health and welfare of a child or medical concerns.

——

ENERGY and ENVIRONMENT

TRUMP: “We have the cleanest air and water, they say, in the world. We are the best.”– remarks Wednesday at the signing of orders on pipelines.

THE FACTS: Not true about air.

U.S. drinking water is among the best by one leading measure.

Trump’s own Environmental Protection Agency data show that in 2017, among 35 major U.S. cities, there were 729 cases of “unhealthy days for ozone and fine particle pollution.” That’s up 22 per cent from 2014 and the worst year since 2012. Findings for 2018 are incomplete.

The State of Global Air 2019 report by the Health Effects Institute rated the U.S. as having the eighth cleanest air for particle pollution — which kills 85,000 Americans each year — behind Canada, Scandinavian countries and others.

The U.S. ranks poorly on smog pollution, which kills 24,000 Americans per year. On a scale from the cleanest to the dirtiest, the U.S. is at 123 out of 195 countries measured.

On water, Yale University’s global Environmental Performance Index finds 10 countries tied for the cleanest drinking water, the U.S. among them. On environmental quality overall, the U.S. was 27th, behind a variety of European countries, Canada, Japan, Australia and more. Switzerland was No. 1.

——

TRUMP: “With the help of the incredible workers in this room, the United States is now the No. 1 producer of oil and natural gas anywhere in the world, anywhere on the planet. Not even close. Made a lot of progress in the last two and a half years, haven’t we? Huh? Took down a lot of barriers.” — signing ceremony.

THE FACTS: As he’s done many times before, Trump is crediting himself with things that happened under Obama.

Here’s what the government’s U.S. Energy Information Administration says: “The United States has been the world’s top producer of natural gas since 2009, when U.S. natural gas production surpassed that of Russia, and the world’s top producer of petroleum hydrocarbons since 2013, when U.S. production exceeded Saudi Arabia’s.”

As for crude oil specifically, the information agency says the U.S. became the world’s top crude oil producer last year. That is largely attributed to the shale oil boom that began during the Obama administration, which has sent production from the Permian Basin in the southwest surging.

——

TRUMP: “Under this administration, we have ended the war on American energy like never before.” — signing ceremony.

THE FACTS: It wasn’t much of a war. U.S. petroleum and natural gas production has increased by nearly 60% since 2008, according to the Energy Information Administration, achieving pre-eminence during the Obama administration. That said, the Trump administration is more closely aligned with fossil fuel interests as it works to restrain environmental obstacles and the power of states to stand in the way of pipelines and other energy development.

——

Associated Press writers Zeke Miller, Jonathan Lemire, Mary Clare Jalonick, Ellen Knickmeyer and Seth Borenstein in Washington and Nomaan Merchant in Houston contributed to this report.

——

Find AP Fact Checks at http://apne.ws/2kbx8bd

Follow https://twitter.com/APFactCheck

EDITOR’S NOTE — A look at the veracity of claims by political figures

from Financial Post http://bit.ly/2DbIV0E via IFTTT Blogger Mortgage Tumblr Mortgage Evernote Mortgage Wordpress Mortgage href="https://www.diigo.com/user/gelsi11">Diigo Mortgage

[im-invisible-erased]

Things about me that nobody really asked for

Hi

I know nobody here cares about me in the slightest but I feel like I am nothing lately and need to conceptualize myself in the most basic format so that I don’t keep spiraling down further... Maybe I just need to stop being sober for days at a time I always fucking feel worse when I’m sober.

Name: Ashley Monique [Redacted] Age: 26 (somehow idk even) Status: Single forever because I’m a shitty person, and ugly and overall negative minded.

I have multiple mental illness that have gone untreated since the age of 17. (was actually on antidepressants and sleep medication from age 14-17 with not much effect) Diagnosed: Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Insomnia, Anxiety, c-PTSD, Psychosis (Psychotic Disorder)

I’m also trans but at this stage in life I don’t know if I will continue my transition or give up on it. Because I attempted to transition from 2015-2018 and was on HRT for that time. However during that time I also made very little progress, as like an actual person I feel like. Most people who are transitioning eventually come out to coworkers or at work. Get minor surgeries, or procedures and overall start to become happier people. Where as I took my meds, and received alleviation from some dysphoria but nothing else really. I still don’t feel like I can be myself in public, or around friends unless its online where nobody sees my face. I still struggle with self image, I still also can’t bring myself to do anything that is required of more steps to actually transitioning such as name change, legal gender status, heck even just getting facial hair removed permanently I can’t do any of that because of how bad my anxiety and depression is. Also the fact that I’ve attempted to save so much money for a surgery that I don’t think I will ever be able to get because I can’t make the second steps to actually make progress to get to that point either... Idk if this makes sense but it seems like I can’t move forward with anything concerning my transition. And because of that I just feel stuck.

Because of this I feel like i’ve failed at my once only goal in life. I said to myself at 18 that I’d try to be more myself and transition into the woman that I am instead of killing myself. But at every turn I either hold myself back or life dumps something else on me. I feel trapped inside this body and it honestly sucks. I hate myself and I wish i didn’t exist or that I could be more like other people who transition semi smoothly. But I don’t think that will ever happen for me. (especially since I haven’t been on my meds for 4 months now)

I work a job that I hate, but because of how severely my mental state has declined I can’t find other jobs or even when I had different jobs my problems don’t go away and I end up just as depressed, suicidal and not caring about life.

I’m very self destructive and by definition would be considered an alcoholic on paper. (Longest time spent sober 14 days consecutively since 2013). I call off work because I am either physically sick, Or my mental health is in such bad shape that I can’t deal with the public and hold myself together in a professional manner. Its why I tend to use up all my allowed points very quickly and then force myself to go to work after that idk why but it feels like a self destructive thing.

Other than that, I’m the child that is a disappointment to her parents and I pale in comparison to my older brother who is successful and has a wife a house good paying job finished college etc etc.

The only decent quality about myself I can think of is that I am a good listener and if I enjoy your company I’m fairly clingy and protective and want my friends to be happy and have good lives even if I can’t help much. I try to always be there for people or at least offer it to them but most people chose not to talk to me. Probably because I can’t maintain positive thinking patterns for more than say an hour tops normally less.

I also love really hard, which is probably a good quality and a bad quality because it ends up giving affection to the wrong people and hurting myself. I also love animals a lot and I view that as a good quality. But I’m really grasping at straws to list some positive things about myself.

Its mostly all negative. Anger/rage issues, homicidal thoughts. Jealousy. There is probably more but I can’t think straight anymore