#also to be clear my definition of men is anyone who ids as male and therefore takes collatoral damage

[unforth]

I stumbled upon the post of you talking about how you're trying to raise a son that won't hate himself for being male. From a young man to the mother of a young man, thank you. Honestly thank you so much. That will mean so so much for your kiddo, both now and for the rest of his life. I hope your mother's day is a joyous one :)

oh anon, many many hugs. and thank you. I hope you don't hate yourself either, you seem like a really kind and caring person. <3

[snugrugbug]

you know whats super crazy… idgaf that ur saying males (as in men. im guessing you dont mean amabs exclusively.) cant be lesbians bc i think it doesnt make sense to id as both a MAN and a lesbian. but like. also who cares its fucking gender. if you try to defend any gender or gender-based attraction orientation as if theyre not spooks then… lol. pretty stupid!

ok i think we agree here but let.me be crystal clear. i have 0 problem whatsoever with who people are attracted to regardless of the gender of either party. (also incase this wasn't obvious before i am not a terf, i.e. i am not gender essentialist, my definition of man/woman includes anyone who identifies as such regardless of genitalia or what have you) my issue is chiefly with the language used

it is universally agreed that a lesbian is a woman who is attracted to women. being a woman is a necessary condition for being a lesbian, so it follows that anyone who is not a woman cannot be a lesbian. If A is necessary for B, then if not A, then not B. we both know this makes sense, right? so how does it make sense for any man to identify as a lesbian? if you're a man (or otherwise not a woman) and you are attracted to women, logically you can't be a lesbian because being a woman is necessary for being a lesbian

[menalez]

Idk if this is something welcome to say. If not, please delete and do not worry about it. 🌹

My experience as a teenager with sex was similar. I have come to call it nonconsensual through feeling unable to say no, with verbal OK but no desire.... only enduring something horrible I thought I had to endure... which people seem to get more. Also it makes me feel calmer? To see all the pressure for what it was and call the fear, if “anyone” my assaulter in that situation. Otherwise nobody understands and will minimize it and also I almost feel like I don’t understand myself either. Though like you I can’t hold the boy to be a rapist I can hold him to be unaware of all the frankly obvious signs of my distress. I have considered if this was willing “unawareness” and I would not put it past men but in this case no, i think it was real. But it was superhuman to put it one way... beyond the natural how unaware men get. Not a coincidence, not a bug, a feature of male supremacy. Not something he chose but something he didn’t at that point manage to see and opt out of. Same for myself and the pressures on me at that time. Though our abilities to question and not expect immediate violence were of course, unequal.

Regardless of how it is said or any detail someone could think they need to scrutinize (which, can that please not be considered acceptable? To those who would argue, please examine what we lose vs what we gain by having the expectación... expect society weight of coercion as the norm for those uncomfortable attesting in specific) I mourn for the freedom we should have had. I don’t know how else to say that so hopefully it makes sense

I am glad you are well and have good company with your gf ...!! To end with the good 💗

yeah tbh sometimes i do look back at it and i feel quite baffled bc i dont think its that hard to tell that i didn't want it. i was deeply traumatised and often acting out bc of that, and i was visibly distressed literally every time afterwards. there was also a clear pattern where id harm myself or attempt suicide after it would happen. but at the same time i feel bad bc he wasn't a horrible person, he definitely is shitty in many ways (like he was prosecuted for posession of child porn and he had these excuses for it back then but then i learned his version of the story isnt the truth bc its just not how things work; or his fetishising my age regression which is a common response to CSA, or the fact that the relationship was causing me visible distress & id keep trying to leave and hed refuse. even after i came out he tried to convince me that he could change my sexuality etc etc etc) but he wasn't the worst person i had come across. back then i had practically no one, most of my friends left bahrain by then bc of the arab spring and the ones that were still in bahrain were fake friends who turned against me once my rape became common knowledge and i became the laughing stock & school whore bc of it. and at that time he was one of the only people who opposed my rapist and would defend me from him, since we were all at the same school. i felt indebted and thankful and i knew he wanted to be w me bc he had been obsessed with me for years at that point so i was just thinking.. well my boundaries are meaningless and what i want means nothing and if i say yes then im reclaiming my body and empowering myself somehow and hes nice to me & everyone has been calling me stupid for repeatedly rejecting him sooo i should just go for it. i had such a weird mix of emotions bc i was scared, i was trying to regain my power, i felt obligated, and i was also appreciative. i think if i had said no, he wouldn't have done anything but maybe hed try to convince me to change my mind, but i cant imagine myself saying no back then tbh. there were just too many factors playing into it. i think had i not been raped at all, things would've turned out extremely different for me and none of that 'relationship' would've have happened at all but..... it did happen and im still trying to make sense of it all. either way it doesnt feel right framing it as if it wasnt consensual. and esp when even while i say it was consensual, people online already try to pick apart my story and try to reframe it as if it was enthusiastic consent and like i victimised him somehow and will take bits of what i said a decade ago to argue that im lying now that im out of that situation and more mentally healthy & aware. makes me feel like even being open about my story is somehow a bad thing yanno

[fake-wizard]

How did you become a trans terf? This is really interesting!

Thank you for this question because I can now delay watching my lectures for like 30 min. 

I got tumblr my freshman year, started my deep dive into the realm of tumblr’s lgbtqianpd+++ stuff. I did a bunch of ace discourse as an “inclusionist” then as an “exclusionist”, started iding as nonbinary demiboy, ace/aro, he/they, got a binder i think during the winter of my sophomore year and came out to a couple friends as nb. Went more towards ftm. Started dating my current boyfriend winter of my junior year, told him I was id’ing as ftm (he’s bisexual, didn’t matter) and the rest of my friends, changed my name and pronouns socially. Start of my senior year I told my family and had them change pronouns and name as well. My bday is in October, so turned 18 and was going to start testosterone. 

By the winter of that year however, I had been hate-reading a lot of “terf” blogs. And what I found was that I could not argue against what they were saying. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance about it all, repeating the same mantras but knowing they didn’t quite add up. 

Specifically about: If sexuality is based on an internal sense of gender, how can you be attracted to anyone until they tell you what gender they are? If a lesbian sees a woman and she says “i’m ftm” does that mean the lesbian is now a bisexual because they were “attracted to a man” or is a switch supposed to flip and they stop being attracted? If sexism is based on “being perceived as a woman/passing as a woman” then why do butches who pass as men still experience sexism? If being gay is about “being perceived as gay in society” then wouldn’t that make all the homosexual couples historically who passed as hetero for safety suddenly become actual literal heteros? If transmen have male privilege, why are they not represented in politics, are targetted for sexual abuse by straight men, and need access to abortion just like women do? If transwomen don’t have male privilege, why are they the main voices of the movement? They can reap all the benefits of a male life for 50 years, and then suddenly none of that mattered? If me and my boyfriend’s relationship is “gay” now that i id’d as ftm, how come we could legally get married and adopt in any country in the world? I was raised being told I Should like and date men, I never once believed my attraction to men was a sin, and gay men experience the Exact Opposite, so how could we both possibly be gay men? Why do transwomen have male patterns of violence? Why have I only ever heard of stories of transwomen abusing transmen, and not the other way around? Is it possible to only be attracted to the same sex? To say no is to say that it’s possible for all women to like dick, which is obviously fucked up. What is so different about a man and a transwoman that means a lesbian is supposed ot like the latter? Why can’t anybody define women? first woman, then female, then afab, the goalpost kept moving. What is there to being a woman besides being female, isn’t all that extra stuff just stereotypes? When my sister is distressed with her body and denied herself food, or I cut myself, that’s a bad thing because it hurts your body, but hrt and a mastectomy hurt your body, they even risk killing you, but that’s okay? I took a sociology class and it’s clear socialization effects behavior - but somehow magically trans people grow up uneffected by it? If socialization can influence women to wear makeup, dress, and act in specific ways that arent’ innate, and cause higher rates of eating disorders, couldn’t it effect dysphoria as well?

And so much more!!!

And that’s only on the trans side - I also had my eyes opened to the horrors of pornography and prostitution, the rates of domestic violence, and all the other terrible sex-based oppression that women are subjected to globally. There is so much more to being a radfem than the trans issues too. 

So for two years (winter of my senior year to winter of my college’s high school year) I decided not to transition. I engaged with radfem tumblr and talked about all these things with my female friends in person as well, it was like getting a huge weight off my shoulders too. And it really did help lessen my dysphoria to an extent. I came up with a long list of coping mechanisms to employ for dysphoria as well. 

But by this february, I was just so tired of that. I still supported everything I say about radical feminism, about sex based oppression, protecting homosexuals, and the dangers of medical transition. But dysphoria is just this constant painful presence day in and day out, and I pursued medical transition in february. I applaud every woman who chooses not to transition, and ultimately view transitioning as giving in, because I can no longer be a role model to young dysphoric women, who shows them that you don’t need to transition. 

At this point, I love my body more than ever and I can’t imagine regretting these changes really. I will miss connecting with women the way I used to, especially as a woman in science, but the women in my life from before transition will always see me as one of them still, and I appreciate that. 

The way I see it, words don’t hurt me at all, they are immaterial, and as a scientist I value coherent definitions, and I understand the realities of sex. So my goal with transition is to pass as male in society and to alter the parts of my body that bring me distress - I know i’m not literally male. And I think all trans people need to get to the point where they understand that, it really helps mentally. 

And I’ll always think, maybe if i had different friends (half of my friends understand, half think i am or would think i am an evil terf) or was dating a woman instead of a man (i’m bisexual, thought i was hetero in highschool (but called myself a gay man lmao), and dating someone with the same body seems like a big deal in handling dysphoria), if i tried harder with my coping mechanisms, if I saw a therapist who understood all this and didn’t just encourage me to do whatever I wanted, maybe i wouldn’t be transitioning. But I’m happy now, so that’s what I focus on as mattering to me, and that’s what I want to pursue. 

I do caution others from doing the same though. 

Also tangent at the end here, I call myself “trans” because I’m medically transitioned. To me, “cis v trans” makes no sense and is sexist. But “dysphoric vs not dysphoric” or “medically transitioned vs not medically transitioned” make more sense to me. 

[starker-eternity]

Going Once, Never Twice

So I’m sitting down, watching a favorite musical of mine and I’m hit with a Starker drabble idea... wow, I need help. In other words, you know you’re in trouble when everything starts prompting fics/drabbles... Trying to write a soft, fluffy piece and my mind runs away screaming...

Pairings: Starker with background Stucky, Phlint, Thorki, Brutasha

Warnings: AU, no powers, kidnapping, inference to non-con/rape, human trafficking, characters aged up, dark avengers

****

NEW YORK CITY

In the hallway of the building, the squeaky wheels of a cart could be heard as it was pushed by the closed doors. No one paid it any mind if they heard it, background noise as it was. As it neared its destination, music could be heard coming from behind the door that it stopped at. The European folk music that was playing completely covered the slight noise of a key being slid into the well-oiled lock and the door opening.

A young, auburn-haired woman was sitting on a couch in the living room, back to the opened door. She was humming along to the music playing as she was browsing on a Stark tablet.

All of a sudden, hands came into her vision before her face was covered with a sweet smelling white cloth. The woman struggled for a brief minute before her body went limp. A pair of strong, leather covered arms lifted the sleeping woman and deposited her body into the waiting cart. The music was turned off and the apartment was vacated, squeaking wheels echoing in the hallway.

****

STILL NEW YORK CITY

Ned laughed at MJ’s latest quip about Flash’s latest embarrassing debacle at Columbia University, the prestigious university that all three attended. Flash Thompson was one of their high school tormentors that unfortunately followed them to the same place for higher education. The guy was a Class A Douchebag, but he was sadly also intelligent. Luckily for them, he was too busy being a “small fish in the suddenly bigger pond” to give them much trouble.

As they passed a smaller newsstand, one of the dying breeds that sold physical papers, both young adults waved to Mr. Lee, the owner. Neither paid the loud headlines “HOW MANY MORE WILL GO MISSING?” from the local newspapers any attention.

Ned opened the door to their apartment building, The Priscilla, and was about to hold it open for M.J. when her raised eyebrow made him think better of it. Knowing her disdain for “gallant gestures”, even if they were more suited to be labeled “general politeness”, Ned rushed through the door and M.J. followed. Both automatically headed to the front desk to see if they had any mail waiting on them.

As they neared it, both noticed a young man standing at the desk, two medium sized suitcases and a back pack lying on the floor next to him. Ned took note that the man was a respectable height, with a head full of chestnut curls. His body seemed to be on the leaner side, but hard to tell as it was covered up by a shapeless tan sweater and baggy jeans. MJ was more interested in his non-descript luggage, trying to see if she could deduce where he was from without asking.

As both young adults stopped near him, the young male turned and gave them a shy smile. “ Hello,” he greeted, his voice light and cheery.

“Hi!”

“What’s up loser?”

The young man looked surprised by MJ’s caustic greeting, so Ned quickly rushed to assure him. “Don’t mind MJ, that’s how she greets everyone she doesn’t find currently offensive. It means she might like you if you don’t do anything incredibly stupid.”

The other man’s smile grew strained as he replied, “That’s both encouraging and terrifying really.”

MJ stared at him for half a minute before she gave a smirk and declared, “Cool. I’ve decided you can hang out with us. You know, if you want. I’m MJ.” She shook his hand briefly before turning her gaze on Ned.

“Oh! I’m Ned. MJ and I live on the 14th floor, apartments 1402 and 1404.”

Ned shook his hand as the brunette started to introduce himself. “Pleased to meet you, I’m Peter -“

“Here’s your ID back, Mr. Parker. Everything seems to be in order.”

Ms. Hill, the front desk manager, interrupted the introductions, coming back to the counter from the back room. In her hand was the aforementioned ID, which she handed back to Peter. As Peter busied himself with putting his card back into his wallet, Ms. Hill turned to Ned and MJ.

“Afternoon Mr. Leeds, Ms. Jones.”

“Afternoon,” they both chorused.

“I see you’ve already met Mr. Parker.” As they both nodded, she continued to state, “Excellent. He’s moving in today. Short notice, but lucky for him we had a vacancy. If he has any questions and can’t reach someone at the desk, he can ask either of you. Makes my job easier. He’s actually your neighbor as he’s leasing apartment 1403.”

Both Ned and MJ looked at each other in surprise. Ned spoke his thoughts first, “1403? Wasn’t that leased to Wanda Maximoff? She just moved in!”

Ms. Hill looked at Ned, a slightly annoyed look on her face. “Wanda Maximoff just moved out,” she replied. “Said something about missing Europe too much and not being able to handle Americans very well.”

“Wow,” MJ murmured. “She didn’t even give it a chance.”

Ned and MJ shrugged at each other while Peter stood by, his fidgeting fingers a clear indication that he was slightly uncomfortable. MJ looked back at Ms. Hill and asked, “Mail come yet?”

“Mail was delivered, always something for you two,” she said, even as she was leaving the counter to retrieve it.

Ned looked at Peter and explained, “Mail is delivered to the front desk everyday and the building staff sorts it for everyone. Since the desk is usually manned 24/7, you just ask for it.”

Ms. Hill came back and handed a few envelopes to MJ and several to Ned. “Looks like your mother wrote you, Ms. Jones and there seem to be several letters from Ms. Brant, Mr. Leeds.”

Ned blushed, but said, “Yeah, Betty’s on her 6 month Humanities Internship and has no access to email or WI-Fi. Snail mail is her only option. Luckily her handwriting is much better than mine.”

“You still have to send her replies, dork,” retorted MJ.

“Oh, that’s right,” Ned replied, his expression falling for a moment.

Ms. Hill shook her head slightly before looking at Peter. “Will you be receiving regular mail from family members or significant others, Mr. Parker?”

Peter smiled sadly at the older woman before shaking his head. “I don’t have anyone to write to me,” he explained. “My parents died when I was 6 and my aunt and uncle died last year. I don’t have any known family left.”

Ms. Hill’s gaze suddenly grew sharper at Peter’s words. Her body straighted and she suddenly seemed much more interested in the conversation. Peter noticed this immediately, but dismissed it as neither Ned nor MJ seemed to noticed. Ms. Hill looked him straight in the eye as a slightly creepy attempt at a sympathetic smile crossed her lips. “So sad to be all alone in the world,” she murmured.

Peter nodded and dropped his gaze from hers. He was uncomfortable, but didn’t want to insult the staff of his new landlord on the first day.

“Well, make sure to come to our social Friday night, Mr. Parker. I’m sure you’ll make dozens of new friends,” assured Ms. Hill.

“Yeah, and we’ll help introduce you to everyone on the 14th floor,” cheered Ned. The trio moved away from the desk, Peter moving to grab his suitcases and backpack. He followed the other two to the bank of elevators, a necessity in a high rise building.

“So the 14th floor? How many residents are there on the one floor?” Peter asked Ned as the trio waited for a lift to arrive.

“Actually it’s the 13th floor, but the complex was built by superstitious engineers. They didn’t want to label the floor with the unlucky number 13, so they skipped it and labeled it 14 instead.”

As the arriving elevator doors slid open, allowing the three to enter and began to close, MJ could be heard saying, “And according to urban myth, the hotel is actually built on an ancient burial ground. Some say they can...”

Maria Hill waited until the trio was definitely gone before she called out, “Jasper? Come man the desk. I’ve got to talk with Fury.”

****

MALIBU

Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist.

All tags that accurately described the 35 year old man that sat in the conference room, signing some digital paperwork. Impeccably groomed and well-dressed, Tony Stark was a man that exuded wealth and privilege. His genius was not a trait detectable with the naked eye, but anyone who owned a smart phone or tablet clearly held the results of just two pieces of his work. Of course he was a philanthropist, he had to constantly work on his public image. Not only for the good of his company, Stark Industries, but also so that nosy paparazzi didn’t focus on other things that went on in his life.

Playboy. Naturally his other titles encouraged every gold digger and fame seeking maniac to accost him. Men and women, he loved them all. But after almost two decades of flitting amongst the debutantes and trust fund babies, Tony was tired. He wanted to settle on a more permanent arrangement. Something similar to what his friends had. Alas, he hadn’t found “The One” yet.

His friends.

Tony looked around at the men and woman he chose to surround himself with. All with talents and gifts of their own, they had all combined their resources together to form Avengers Incorporated. AI was a company that just about had their fingers in every pot. Military weapons, espionage, technology, bio-engineering, pharmaceuticals... the list went on. Stark Industries was his legacy left to him by his father, but Avengers Incorpoated was his baby. And it was because of some of the work done by AI that the government and law enforcement turned a blind eye to darker activities that might cross their paperwork and desks concerning the founding members.

Tony cracked his neck before setting his tablet down and said, “Well, congrats to us, Gentlemen and Lady. We’ve just closed the deal that will net us an easy $500 million in profit.”

Smiles were shot his way as the others wrapped up their paperwork. “I think we deserve some R&R,” he declared. “Let’s escape to The Compound for a few weeks. Let Pepper and her team earn their ridiculous salaries and hold the fort down. Bring all of your partners.”

Natasha, a fiery red-head, gave Tony a sharp grin. “It’ll do Bruce some good to get out of his labs for a bit. He won’t admit it, but he’s getting stressed.”

Phil, head of AI’s legal legions smiled softly. “Clint’s been such a good boy lately, he deserves such a treat.”

Tony swiveled his head towards the other two men in the room. “How about it, Point Break? Buckaroo? Steve and Loki are the newest pets to the group. They good for an escape?”

Thor frowned, but he agreed, “Loki needs some discipline work. It would be good to get him isolated where I can devote my full attention to his conditioning.”

James, or Bucky to his friends, nodded his head. “Steve’s not completely there yet. It would do him good to interact with Bruce and Clint. See that it’s okay to surrender. Little punk keeps trying to test the boundaries,” he added, his tone fond despite his criticism.

Natasha turned to Tony, “What about you?”

Tony grinned at her, “ I’m sure I can find -”

Tony was interrupted by a chime coming from his phone. It was a chime that was echoed simultaneously by every cell phone in the conference room. The tone was unique, easily recognizable by everyone present. With raised eyebrows all around, each adult took out their phone and opened the text they all received.

AUCTION LOT 23-WM-PBP. 5 Min. Click link if interested.

Tony leaned back in his chair, even as he clicked on the provided link. He was prepared to be disappointed, as the last several dozen offerings had left him uninterested. As the link was loading, he noticed the others putting away their phones. Made sense, after all they had already won their auctions and had their prizes. No need to look anymore for them.

As the link opened on his phone, Tony took one look at the provided pictures and nearly fell out of his chair.

Perfection.

Clearly pictures lifted from an ID card and from a surveillance camera, the details were still captivating enough to knock the breath from him. Whisky-colored doe eyes stared up at him, almost teasing beneath a delightful mop of chestnut curls. Pale skin, complimented by smooth lips in an adorable grin, teased with a light brushing of freckles across an impish nose. A full body shot hinted at a lithe body, but gave no more tantalizing details.

Tony felt interest immediately spike in his lower regions, just from looking at those lips. He could already imagine those eyes filled with shining tears as those lips were wrapped around his cock. A red collar would look stunning around that pale neck. He eagerly absorbed the provided basic details.

AUCTION LOT 23-WM-PBP

23 year old Caucasian male.

Name: Peter Benjamin Parker

Status: Orphan

Current Location: New York City, USA

Height: 5’10”

Weight: approx 167lbs

Hair: brown

Eyes: hazel

Availability: immediately

Starting Bid: $100,000USD

Tony clicked on the provided link, which he knew from experience would redirect him to a secure server that housed the auction house, Black Noire. He was going to win this auction, no matter the price. And he was absolutely sure it was going to skyrocket.

As he waited the few precious minutes before the bidding frenzy went live, he glanced up at his friends. By now, they all had noticed he hadn’t put his phone away in disinterest, so their curiosity was piqued. He smirked, waggling his eyebrows, watching as delighted smiles crossed his friends’ faces.

Another soft chime echoed from his phone, indicating bidding was now open. As he confirmed his first of what he suspected would be many bids, Tony couldn’t help the already possessive chant going through his mind.

MINE.

[werevulvi]

I am gender critical, detransitioning and I do have a bone to pick with the trans community, but I still can't entirely let go of... trans thinking. For lack of better wording. At this point I'm basically trying to hold two different perspectives at once, and they might seem paradoxal, but I don't think they necessarily have to be.

I call those two perspective "sex-based" and "gender-based" and it should be fairly clear what I mean by that, but just in case it isn't: Sex-based refers to categorising men and women and sexual orientations after biological sex, and gender-based refers to categorising men and women and their sexual orientations after each individual's own feelings of gender identity and sexual identity.

I'm gender critical in the sense that I think biology is what determines what we are and it's my understanding that sexual orientation is based on sex. I also think that laws should be based on sex and not gender. However, I do still think there is some sense in that people can still have subjective ideas of gender identity as any other human emotions, which makes me view gender identity as subjective reality. It is real within the minds of those who believe it. It is merely their own interpretations of themselves. Such a thing can never be wrong, in a sense. It can never be proved, but also never be disproved.

I think of gender like that. I believe trans people's genders are true for them, because that's just how they perceive themselves. But then how do I perceive myself?

I perceive myself in both ways. I see that my body is biologically female, and since I no longer have strong feelings of dysphoria about that, I can easily and proudly admit that my biology makes me a woman. As simple as that. But on the other hand, I do have a mind that resides in that female body, and that mind is clearly only half on the same page as my body's original intentions. There is more to me than my biology. The mind, the soul, the consciousness, whatever you wanna call it. That, appears to be what I could describe as androgynous. My androgyny is not just wearing suits and makeup, knitting and playing video games, or whatever arbitrary things we decided to call masculine or feminine... it goes much deeper than that, which should be plain for all to see. My androgyny gave me dysphoria, and is easied with transition.

My detransition is NOT me opting out of transitioning. It is not me saying transition as a whole was a mistake, because it wasn't. What I'm doing is only correcting the mistakes that I did make and then cherish the rest. It was me realising I'm not a man, nor will I ever be male. It is possible I may wanna go back on T one day, at least I'd consider going on a low dose if my hairs start to thin out, to prevent that outcome. I will get a breast reconstruction to "reverse" my top surgery as that was indeed a mistake, and I will get my legal gender marker changed back to female again because I am not male as it states on my ID card, and I don't want to hold onto that lie. You can call it a partial detransition if you will, because I'm still happily transitioned with testosterone and I refuse to "correct" myself after what type of body I'm supposed to have as a woman. Call me an incorrect female, if you will, as I am proudly hairy and deep-voiced.

I'm male-passing. Every day of my life. Because I refuse to "correct" myself and be a typical woman. That is a choice I made and will (most likely) continue to make. It's a difficult choice, but in a sense I also really like it. I like that it allows me to look gnc by adding femininity to my style, instead of masculinity. Because I feel a million times more liberated and expressive now when wearing makeup with my beard, than I ever did before wearing no makeup and growing no beard. I like that I look gnc male because of my femininity, when in fact I'm a gnc female because of my masculinity.

I feel like I need to embody aspects of both femaleness and maleness. My T-spiked femaleness. Facial hair, deep voice, vulva, breasts and hairy curves. Being like that gives me positive feelings. That I'm just right, perfect, beautiful, in harmony with myself. Feelings that I could call a gender, because that's how simple it is. THAT is what gender is. Gender... is whatever you want it to be. And I choose to make it something highly personal, something that is just mine but also not imposed onto anyone else. No specific pronouns or labels required, no special treatment... although more gender neutral bathrooms and locker rooms available would be nice, because I look like a circus.

And yes, I'm aware most people probably either don't feel that gender-feeling, or they just have a different interpretation of their such feelings, and they don't call it a gender. They're simply women because they are female, or men because they're male, or just going about their lives not over-thinking what they are. That is fine. It makes total sense and I don't ever want to infringe upon that. Gender can absolutely be harmful and I agree that society has taken it too far. Way, way too fucking far and we need to back the fuck up. Make gender-segregated spaces sex-segregated again. Make women's rights sex-based again. No males in women's spaces, no dehumanising of women because of their biology, no pretending we don't get socialised based on our sexes, no erasing of sex-based medical and political needs. I am still gender critical, but no, I do not denounce gender as a concept. I'm too much of a hobby philosopher to do anything such, because gender is a highly philosophical thing. I think there is some merit to gender as such, but there needs to be a limit in society. I believe there can be two different definitions of "woman" as long as we know which definition is to be applied to laws, rules and regulations.

And regardless of what I'd choose to call my gender, I'm still a lesbian. Because my homosexuality is based on that my sex is female and that I'm only attracted to other females. That cannot change, and I am proud to be a lesbian.

Thanks to radfem, to my past decade in the trans community, and to still keeping one foot in each camp, I can see it from both sides of the fence now. Because I hold both perspectives at once. And I think that is good, although I'm aware that both camps may hate me for that. Then camp me out, I don't care. I'm a free-thinker, I don't like hivemind thinking. I always need to maintain some kinda balance, even if it takes me long to find it.

It's been my thinking in these past couple of days, that perhaps what I need to do is to embrace both. To honour and embrace both my female sex and my androgynous mind. I am both a woman and I am nonbinary. I've been fighting for a year between those two labels, torn between my sex and my gender. I cannot keep doing that anymore. There is no reason that I should have to scrap one for the other, no matter how much gender critical people tell me I should scrap gender and the trans community tells me I should scrap my sex. No. I won't do either. So that's how I came up with the idea that maybe I wanna call myself a "nonbinary woman" as to label both my gender and my sex in the same breath. "Gender critical nonbinary woman" may seem like a paradox, or a joke, but I'm serious, and I mean it. I'm still considering it, but I needed to ventilate my thoughts on that a bit.

Also, if I again get some nasty message from someone about that I should stay out of the nonbinary tag... please calm down and tell the rest your over-sensitive community to do the same, because I'm one of you now, so it is my tag to use as well. Maybe I want for other nonbinary people to read this. Maybe I want for them too to know that not all nb people are the same fucking cringey monolith. I'm sick of your hivemind too. I'm both a "terf" and nb, so I will be in both communities, whether you like it or not. I believe I have made myself clear, but if there are any questions from either audience, I'll gladly answer them as best as I can.

If you've never heard of a gender critical nonbinary woman before... well, I might just be the first, or there might be others before me, but I hope one day I can light the way for more of us to follow. All I wish is to speak the truth, even if that truth is merely subjective.

[uncloseted]

lately i've been VERY confused about gender and sexuality (not mine, just in general, although more on that later). so i always called myself a lesbian because it made sense, im a girl i like girls. about 2 years ago i had a lot of internalized homophobia and i tried to be as feminine as i could so people would think i was straight. and i remember one time i thought "what if i'm a trans man and i'm doing this because i feel like i have something to prove". +

but then i thought "nah, i can't be a man (or non binary) i like girly things too much". but that's awful too. ellen always wears suits and has short hair and she's still a woman. jeffree star likes girly things and he's a man. but now i don't even know what IS a girl/woman. i mean i didn't choose to be a woman and i never had a chance to be anything else. but i don't think i ever wanted to be. even if i identified as "agender" and i still looked and acted the way i do know, society would still

be seeing and oppressing me as a woman, so at least to me, personally, it feels useless. but also, a lot of nb people (most of them are afab) identify as lesbians. it's very confusing. i never had any kind of dysphoria although i felt uncomfortable with my body, periods, and sex but i always thought it was because of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities and beauty standards. and i have a friend who's studying psychology in university and she told me dysphoria does not exist

trans girls. i think it depends on, like, how "far" they are in their transition?. i think i could be attracted, physically and emotionally but i couldn't have sex with someone with a penis. and i know even the most trans-positive people will tell you that it's ok to have a genital preference and not want to date trans people. but it still makes me feel horrible because it's like i'm seeing nb people as "more woman" than trans women. but also in all honesty it's very hard to "tell" cis people

from nb people. if you showed me a picture of jeffree star and jonathan van ness (or elena and syd from one day at a time, or amandla stenberg and king princess, or sam smith and harry styles) and asked me which one is nb, i wouldn't know. i would probably say jeffree. so i agree that monosexual (straight/gay) people will inevitably be attracted to nbs because nb is a spectrum, and also some people (I think all of us, in some way? maybe it's a controversial opinion) are gender non-conforming but

but don't identify as nb. does that mean we should change the definitions of gay/lesbian, since any gender could have any type of body and look as feminine and/or masculine as they want? do sam smith, jvn, vander von odd/sasha velour/gigi goode (all genderfluid drag artists) have male privilege despite not being men?. should we change the words feminism, sexism, misogyny, male privilege, etc for something more accurate?. honeslty i think a lot of this confusion is actually intrusive thoughts

and me just being an overthinker in general but it's been causing me so much distress that now every pronoun feels wrong and i can't even masturbate. please forgive the rambling, the buts, the incoherence and the ignorance. thanks in advance. oh and please tell me if this comes through in pieces and i will send them again

So there’s a ton to unpack here, but for the record, I’ve had this exact train of thought, too.

I want to preface my answer by saying that I’m not a gender scholar and I haven’t read nearly as many academic works as I’d like to on this subject, so this is coming very much from my personal opinions and less from an evidence-based/academic place. I also want to say that if pressed, I would describe myself as a pansexual gender anarchist (as in, attracted to people for who they are instead of their parts and I think we should get rid of the concept of gender entirely), but I think that sounds a bit wanky, especially since it has almost zero bearing on my everyday life. So I think the concept of sexuality and gender is maybe different to me than it is to other people, and my perspective on this topic might be unusual in that sense.  If anyone reading this thinks what I’m saying is bullshit or problematic, please join in the conversation! I would love to hear what you have to say.

For me, the more I think about gender and sexuality, the more i don’t really “get” either concept. Gender has begun to feel (to me) like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes where you answer a bunch of questions and they’re like, “you’re rocky road ice cream” and you’re like, “I have no idea what that implies except for it’s the collection of traits I chose from the options above”.  

What I mean by that is that gender is a social construct. No traits are inherently masculine or feminine- things that are considered masculine in one culture can be feminine in another and vice versa. 

Especially now, when we’re really moving towards disentangling gender from our world, I wonder what’s left to take the place of those items to define what gender is.  Gender used to be like “feminine is cleaning, nurturing, creating (or Barbie dolls, dresses, and makeup), and masculine is destruction, being powerful, and being ambitious (or football, beer, and video games)”, but clearly that’s not what it means anymore. Ellen’s suits are feminine suits by virtue of the fact that she IDs as female, even though suits used to be considered a male thing.  Jeffree Star’s makeup looks are male makeup looks by virtue of the fact that he IDs as male, even though makeup used to be considered a female thing.  I’ve heard some people say that there are as many genders as there are people in the world. At that point I think we’re just using the word “gender” as a synonym for “personality”, which is fine, but I think we need to be clear about our definitions and what these words now mean and imply about a person.

Going along that train of thought, if gendered words don’t really mean anything anymore, I don’t see the point as identifying as a particular gender, at last not in the abstract.  In practice, our world still sees gender and cares about it, and other people’s interpretation of our gender has very real consequences.  As you say, even if you identified as agender, society would treat you as a woman because you present in a way society considers to be “traditionally feminine”, and as a result, you would be oppressed in the same way women are.  This is why I said that my position on gender impacts my life zero percent.  I can identify as a gender anarchist all I want, but at the end of the day I still get passed up for opportunities because the way I present is read as female.  Likewise, nonbinary people who were assigned male at birth do have a degree of male privilege (or at least, can access male privilege), depending on how well they “pass” as a man.  Sam Smith likely still experiences some male privilege, because they look (most of the time) like what society might consider traditionally male.  Someone like JVN probably passes less frequently, due to his long hair and frequent wearing of what we might think of as traditionally female clothing (skirts and dresses and high heels).  However, the flip side of that is both Sam Smith and JVN risk being even more marginalized than female identifying, female presenting people when they do dress in a gender non-conforming way, because nonbinary identities are less understood and less accepted than female identities are. 

So now that we’ve considered what gender means in relation to society, maybe let’s consider it in relation to our bodies and sexuality.  This is a bit of a minefield so I’m going to try to tread carefully, but again, feel free to call me out if I say something problematic... 

I don’t think being uncomfortable with your body, especially feminine features of your body that are widely looked down upon (for example, periods) or sexualized (physical features like boobs, butts, hips) necessarily makes a person trans or nonbinary.  As you say, those feelings can be a result of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities, beauty standards, and dozens of other things.  However, it is something many trans or nonbinary individuals experience.  So the question then becomes, where are those feelings of discomfort coming from?  Are they internal to you (as in, your body physically feels like there’s something wrong/those features shouldn’t be there) or external (you feel shame for having those features because of the society you grew up in)?  It can be really hard to detangle internal influences from external ones, given that people who are assigned female at birth learn to hate our femininity and female bodies from a very young age.

I would say that if those feelings are internal to you, then that’s what referred to as gender dysphoria.  Gender dysphoria is a real, ICD and DSM diagnosable condition, and there’s some evidence to suggest that there’s a neurobiological basis for it.  My (very controversial) hypothesis is that gender dysphoria is like other body integrity identity disorders, where there’s a mismatch between the brain’s map of the body and what the physical body actually looks like.  I want to make it clear here that I don’t think being trans is a disorder.  I don’t think it’s bad or that all people who are trans have a body integrity disorder.  I don’t think you need to physically transition to be trans, or that we should pathologize gender/gender expression, or that gender is a binary (hopefully that last one is obvious).  I just think if society has less stringent gender divisions and a less binary understanding of gender, fewer people would physically transition, but some people would still experience a mismatch between their idea of how their body’s sexual characteristics should look and how they physically are.

So then, what does that mean for our terminology?  I think in the context of a world where the meaning of gender is changing, gay and lesbian just refer to genitals (people with penises attracted to people with penises and people with vaginas attracted to people with vaginas, respectively).  Or perhaps we need to separate it out further- maybe you can be romantically and physically attracted to female and male presenting people, but sexually attracted to only vaginas.  Maybe that would fill the gap between being interested in a person romantically and being interested in having sex with their genitals, where you’re attracted to someone without yet knowing what’s in their pants?  In general, though, I think labels should exist to be useful.  I don’t know how useful it is to have a term for “I'm attracted to you, given that you have the genitals I’m sexually attracted to.”

I think under that framework of centering labels like gay and lesbian on genitals, a lot more people are pansexual than would identify that way if you took a poll right now.  In general, I think a lot of people never recognize that they’re pansexual because they aren’t in contact with nonbinary or trans people that they’re attracted to frequently enough to know they don’t actually care about genital preferences.

When talking about other labels like feminism (the advocacy for AFAB and female-identifying/presenting rights), sexism (prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, generally towards female identifying/presenting people. but also towards gender nonconforming people), misogyny (dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against AFAB and female identifying/presenting people), male privilege (the system of advantages or rights that are available to men and male identifying/presenting people solely on the basis of their sex/gender presentation), etc., I think those terms refer to the societal construct of sex/gender that is still prevalent in our culture.  We perhaps need to start using other words to describe discrimination against nonbinary people, but I think the existing terms continue to serve a purpose and it’s not time to retire them just yet.

I don’t know if any of this is at all helpful or if I’m expressing my thoughts clearly.  Maybe it will just add more confusion to your existing thought process, but I hope it helps to minimize your distress at least a little bit.  Ultimately, all of this is kind of made up, so don’t beat yourself up too much while trying to unravel all these different threads. People spend full academic careers and sometimes their entire lives trying to figure out what they believe on these issues.  It’s okay to not have it all worked out or to not be sure in your ideas.  Even for me, this is just where my thinking is right now.  Maybe in the future it will change with new information I learn or as my feelings towards myself change.  Try to let yourself think of this as a journey instead of something you have to already have figured out.

[prithi-posts]

My utopia is literally a place where I don't have to feel overwhelmed and overpowered when trying to express myself professionally or emotionally, because of overbearing aggressive forces of masculine energy. I want to feel at peace when I am outside, and I don't want to feel threatened or violated. I don't want to feel like it's my responsibility to educate men to be better, because it's emotionally exhausting and I always find myself doing that when I'm hurt.

Okay, so the space I would imagine is the wild from Madagascar where alex goes like who's the cat Im the cat. And there would be no gender like no dicks or vaginas, And anyone could fall asleep anywhere without any fear, And it would be summer all the time And everyone minds their own business and are introverts somewhat Also the houses should be made of clear glass

Earth’s balance has been restored. We accommodate/conform to nature rather than dominate it. • Live music is played in every restaurant • Artistic expression is seen as essential to childhood development • Education is provided to all who seek it wherein history is taught from multiple perspectives, science is taught as tried and true, and language is taught as adaptable and ever-changing • Homelessness eradicated. • Plenty of public spaces where children can run around freely and people can gather without fear & without having to buy something • Dressing colorfully isn’t deemed unprofessional • We can communicate with animals which allows us to respect their space and autonomy 4. I guess my version of a utopia would look kind of like a combination of nature and modernist architecture (visually). Like a bunch of glass and wood buildings with trees. And some luscious as fuck gardens. I don’t know I was watching this thing on Japanese homes so I’m kinda obsessed with that right now.As far as the values of the society, I envision a utopia where education of all kinds is accessible to all people. And, it’s mad cheesy, I see it as a society where acceptance and respect have more value than wealth. Where all people are considered equal, yet everyone is able to laugh at their differences without hate behind it. I imagine there would only be public forms of transportation, excluding bikes and the like. Or we would have at least developed some super modern version of a car that doesn’t run on fuel. I don’t really know if I am doing this right? But I would just want it to look real sexy with lots of glass, modernist architecture and nature. As well as a high focus on providing equal opportunity for all people. Where money doesn’t get you the education that all people deserve. 5. My utopia is a beautiful jungle with all my best friends, mother, khalas and my sisters. We are able to talk to animals, and for some reason I’m imagining the hybridity between humans and animals so I’m half  tiger, like the one from fantasia. Our main goal in life is to discover the rest of the world at our own pace, so we are travellers. We go everywhere and visit the sites and places that already exist in the world but there is no one on earth besides us.  6.  My utopia would probably be a world where I’m completely alone ... I think that so much of my anxiety about living stems from an inability to feel a true connection to anyone or anything. Which I recognize is an internal problem, hence the isolating factor of this dream. When I think of inner peace I imagine my body floating in a pristine blue lagoon, held by the cusp of a mountain range. Everything is kaleidoscopic; the veil between worlds is thin enough to transcend each plane (my personal philosophy follows 7 planes of existence but you don’t need to make all of those lmao) if needed. What is important to me about this utopia is being able to exist without any kind of surveillance. There is no entry point to/for the other; it’s simply a place to play and experience the corporeal body as it is 7. I think my idea of a feminist Utopia is firstly very green. It’s tech heavy but in a very green space in a perfect future where the world fixed climate issues- it’s a really integrated system like you know that one green skyscraper that they’re gonna make? And i think it’s just very tender and the world is large but made of small moments if that makes sense There’s no rushing, there's a real focus on process as we have moved from a capitalist pace and everyone creates because it’s a human urge  8. My Utopia is my abuelitas house, where the candles are always lit and it always smells like a restaurant. My sister is doing everyone's birth charts and my abuelita is telling us ghost stories. The recurring dream I have of this scene is a more dimly lit space but with more colors and with my dog chocolate who recently died.  9. I want my Utopia to be all pink because that's the utopic color I’ve sort of planted in my consciousness. It’s not just pink, but rainbow. There are butterflies and animals everywhere. When you zoom out of it, it looks like a doll house but we can use the sims principle to build our own little worlds for ourselves. We can walk into the little blocks anytime we want and we all help each other build these worlds (only females)  10.  Venus flytrap that sucks in rapists, A sky where you can actually see the moon. Clean air maybe? A truck which transforms your plastic into wax crayons, Wonder woman belts and capes, Virtual Lenses that let me see my notes when I'm going through social anxiety, Nails that transform into weapons, Fecal-matter vibes for humans 11. The setting of my Utopia would be set in a South Asian setting with the busy streets and markets and the same architecture. I would like to add gothic architecture in my Utopia as well just because I always felt like I wanted to see how those two forms of architecture would mesh. Except I would want to see all of this as a cyberpunk scene with bright neon lights and space shuttles at all times. So women actually could walk freely at night in the midst of bright lights and escape into space anytime they would want to on the streets of India. I would want to live in a huge castle with my friends and wear jewelry and bright clothes. I would want men to live in my world actually, but I don't want to be in proximity with them? And they would just live their own lives but with ‘reversed oppressed roles’ hah 12. My Utopia is like that crazy mixture of lisa frank/barbie fairytopia and hot topic. Except I can talk to my cat and only my best friends and mom exist in it. There is also nature but also robots. You can see the moon and the stars at all times 13. Firstly I think feeding and farming takes up most of people’s physical labor and time. I think the only reason we work is to feed ourselves thrice a day and that is super unnecessary. I wish eating wasn’t a thing in my Utopia, just to get rid of that excess labor. I do want fruit trees and nature to exist though but each fruit would have its own healing powers that came with it. In this Utopia there would be a Matriarchy. I would want my Utopia to look like the Botticelli ‘Birth of Venus Painting. I want to live in huge seashells as houses. There is romance, love and friendships but there is no monogamy, because I think monogamy instantly makes any world dystopic. I think female friendships should be celebrated more than the romance between a man and woman in Utopias. If there is that kind of hetero bullshit mentality there should be no masculine and femnine traits that can affect those kind of relations despite not being monogamous. I would also want to have contact with the other planets in my utopia. 14. Probably definitely no men. I don’t really care if they exist and aren’t here or if they don’t exist i just don’t wanna see one unless i wanna ya kno? Also any homophone or terf or anything is immediately comically ejected out of the city like with a big spring. Actually, they’re ejected directly into a classroom that teaches them to be nice, they deserve a chance i mean what if they’re like 11. I don’t really have any specific aesthetic ideas of what it would look like. God id love to be able to walk around without fear, especially at night. But like aesthetically ya kno ya girl goth. I want drama i want pizazz. I want houses with two long staircases inside. I want ppl out on the streets looking like those fecal matter fashion ppl. Just some wack ass hunger games body mods bcuz when women r left alone i bet they’d all go crazy go stupid. I want the Winchester house with doors leading nowhere and staircases that go into the wall. Not to sound cliche but i looove gothic architecture. Like all the spikes and arches and tall tall spires. I also rlly love the concept of New Orleans. I imagine irl it isn’t how it is in my head but in my head it’s so soooky and magical. Just like witchcraft and vampires and everyone’s wearing silk and velvet or grunge clothes or like chunky sweaters. But just everything is so so old and haunted but the ghosts are nice and the cemeteries bang 15. In my Utopia I would like to walk into my office space without my male coworker making a sexual comment to my face without me giggling at it so I can keep my job and professionalism. I would like to be able to walk at night without thinking where I kept my pen to protect myself if someone attacks me. I would like to go out in NYC at night with my female friends without thinking I need to bring a male friend so he can shoo away the men who don’t let us dance on the dance floor. I would like to be friends with more males without having my brain tell me he might have a different intention with me. I would like to live in a world where if I tell someone I got abused they would believe me and understand I would have no reason to lie about it. Since it's not that simple I would like to live in a world with no men. Women would have tentacles that slapped them out of present day earth and we elevated as a human species where we have wings and our own thrones. The children are generated into angelic creatures where they co-exist with older people and there is no hierarchy. We finally get to live in a world which we deserve. 16.  My Utopia is our current day world. Except I wouldn’t want my life to fall under this capitalist framework. There is Utopian socialism in my world. Everyone works together and there is no racism, sexism or xenophobia. Basically remove everything that is wrong with our modern day systems which is almost everything so i feel like i shouldn't even go there but you get the gist. There is no poverty, no diseases, no homelessness. 17. There is death but from a young age we learn to lose our loved ones and hopefully no one in this utopia will have to go through losing a loved one. Trauma and pain do not exist. I guess men shouldn’t exist? But they should! and they should learn how to be emotionally intelligent without having their mother/partner teach them. There should be no gender identity or internalizing the incarnation of heterosexuality. There should be more queer people out on the streets, if heterosexuals can show public display of affection so can queer people (but honestly lets cut the part out where I said hetereos can show PDA). There should be more celebration of friendships. Lets romanticize friendships instead of monogamy. That's my utopia itself. I guess in terms of my personal Utopia I would still want to be in my marriage (if men do exist) but I would want the narrative of co-dependency to disappear. I think in Utopias I wouldn’t want to live in the same house as my husband, at least not at 28. I need more freedom and independence spatially and I’m slowly preaching how marriages don’t need to be codependent and people need to have their own spaces and practices if they want to reach their ultimate utopian space. (idk how you can show marriage as an institution lol) Visually there should be no high rise buildings, and I’m sure there's space for every person in the world to have a home regardless. I would want to see coconut trees, gardens, and lakes around me, and everyone should have space to run around, play and swim!! 18. My Utopia is in the landscape of what hell looks like on Betty Boop and Looney Toons cartoons. There are gates to hell and only abusive men walk through it as we all sit on our thrones and play the role of God. We all hold our tridents with our pets sitting next to us. My cat evolves into a wild panther and eats the men who don't cooperate alive. But the only reason hell exists is to reverse the roles now. Men face the abuse and oppression we and our mothers went through on planet earth. They have a microchip inserted in their brains and play out the roles of everyday women's realities. If they finally learn and understand they can finally go back to earth and try to be decent human beings. If they don’t they are stuck in the role of an oppressed woman their whole lives. The surprise guests in this hell are slave owners and the microchip is inserted in their brains so they can experience what slavery was like as a slave. If they learn from the experience they have the option to set those slaves free and if they don’t they will be incarnated (Octavia Butler whomst!!) 19. My Utopia is Cairo, in that cliche Egyptian setting except with rainbow pyramids and a little more cyber-punk esque. We live in a middle eastern matriarchy. We ride our magic camels. I want it to be techno futurist? So there is technology but we aren’t addicted to tik-tok and instagram for gods sake. I want there to be lakes and oceans where there are mermaids and sea creatures and right now i'm imagining a huge octopus in the middle of the ocean with our houses built on top of the octopus. 20. We are all beings that can either choose to be corporeal and have a physical body or just be a floating consciousness. We can switch in and out of these forms. 21. We can modify our bodies in any way we please just by thinking about it. If you want to be a squiggly plant thing or a fucking circle or a humanoid, it’s up to you.   We can talk to/communicate with ‘animals’ and we live in an interspecies society without species hierarchy. Nature first Or better yet, we are indistinguishable. Gender does not exist. Money doesn’t exist. Healthcare is based on kindness. Everyone goes through an hour of ego dissolution once a week.  When you die, you acquire all of the Universe’s knowledge 22. utopia is onenessinterconnectedness of all beingsi ask ‘what can i give’ all animate beings, of all types, shades of colorsfruitsbeachi can be as femme as i want without threats of sexual violenceno sexual violenceanimacy of every being is respected + sacredcolor color color color color coloremotional intelligence, taught and centeredrelationship with the land, grown and inherentlive of, live from, live with the landeveryone is teacher and studenthierarchy is ok, as long as for function, not powerguided by the logic of loveheld in the story of abundancecreativity is the fabric of the world, color is the threadlonging for collective liberation is the needleutopia is the potential of knowledge we all have inherent to usround and full possibilitiesutopia is lacking the language to say utopiabecause the english language was not designed for liberation pleasurable freedombut i know it includesmy grandmalogic of lovegood boogie any time day or nightpracticing abundancecolor always aboundtropical beach, tropical mountainsqueerness, indigeneityreciprocal relationshipsspaces to listen and see each other in fullnessnon harmingsex without shamepleasure in the everydayit’s possiblein utopiautopia is the wholeness of all beings, seen and respected,voice of all beings, heard and heldbeing over achievingcreating over controllingfreedom in spirityearning for expansion satisfied by internal growthgains made creative and wisdommultiple realities coexist and respect each otherchoices made out of ever expansive possibilities for the present and futurecollaborationspatial awarenessflexible physics, flexible materialityflexible and humble realitycross dimensionalno hierarchy of beingsi tell my friends i love them and i mean itmy friends ask me if i need anything and they mean itUtopia is I bodyevery interaction informed by the dramatic improbability that i am conscious and the delectable sweetness that i am able to witness the worldThe mountains and the forest and the waterfalls and the blooming flowersall liberatedNonviolence non-entitlement Empowerment, self actualization, tenderness Shadow self held, not castawayAlignment and ritual with the cycles of the seasons, the planetsembodied knowledgecollaboration above individualismall abilities sacrednothing can inflate or deflate self worthdiffering opinions can move in the same directionno one needs power over anotherplentiful food, water, time, energydaily sunset and sunrisespatial awareness rooted in wholeness, interconnectedness with other beingstaught how to hold fear’s hand and bring it along with ussensitivity, vulnerability as valuesflexible appearance

[theclaravoyant]

musings on the evolution of bisexuality in sitcoms and being treated “like a joke”

Not to open up old cans of worms, but for my video project I was thinking about the subject of Eleanor Shellstrop (The Good Place) and various opinions about her bisexuality, the status of it canon-wise, and in particular the feelings amongst some of the fandom (and non-fandom) that it is treated “like a joke.” I have heard similar things about Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99) as well regarding the latter point and so that worked its way in, and soon enough this ended up sort of turning into a short ish essay. I’m not really trying to argue a particular point, but merely reflect on some things, and I hope you don’t mind I thought I’d share my musings. It boils down to being laughed at vs being laughed with, which I get to below the cut after a brief exposition (I have some Thoughts)

Note: I am not looking to get into an argument with anyone, and I’m not saying this is the be all and end all answer to rep, but if you wanted to share some thoughts, add on, etc, you’re welcome to do so.

Note II: Just for clarity’s sake, non-LGBT+ people are welcome to interact if you would like to do so.

I must admit, moving back to the topic of Eleanor for a minute, I resonate with some of those feelings I outlined above. For example, I don’t particularly care for the fact that we have never seen her engage in an abiding romantic or even sexual relationship with a woman, whereas her romance with Chidi has been rebooted over and over and is consistently the outcome. It grates on me a bit that in a universe which has been rebooted upward of 4 different times that we have seen (and approx 300 other times shoved into a few minutes) this is the outcome every time. Why not explore another option for a season? I love Cheleanor, don’t get me wrong, and the constant rebooting annoys me from that perspective as well not just the f/f perspective, but in terms of sapphic rep and also considering how often bisexuality is exploited and misrepresented by heteronormative storytellers (eg the tropes “Bi the Way” and “Not Too Bi”), it really sucks.

Edit: I deleted a paragraph here that had some examples I had misremembered and was rushing through. Shockingly writing up a train of thought on a bus leads to some inaccuracies and skipping over of valuable debates. Instead, I will say that I don’t mean by the above, that m/f bi attraction is not real and valuable. It certainly is. What is a pain in the ass in my opinion - and in the opinion of a lot of the bi people I know before anyone comes at me with that again - is when bisexuality is only used to make a character interesting, sexy or rebellious, while still only representing the m/f side of things because that is easier/more comfortable/etc for heteronormative writers and viewers to portray and invest in.

THAT SAID, back to my actual point. I think we (particularly we who are LGBT+ ourselves) are also very accustomed to seeing LGBT+ characters in dramas, where bad things happen and there’s angst and death and gnashing of teeth. I think this being the norm leads us to freak out a bit and not necessarily know how to actually handle positive, happy rep in which we ourselves, our identities, are taken seriously. We are so used to either being a tragedy or being laughed at (rather than with) that it is extremely unsettling to experience what I would call a dawning new era of being respected in sitcoms - including The Good Place, Brooklyn 99, One Day at a Time, and I’m sure there are others as well.

It’s not surprising, with this skittishness trained into us, that some people interpret the treatment of Eleanor’s bisexuality as being a joke. I’m also not saying this knee-jerk reaction is the only reason; again, I’m not saying my thoughts & feelings on this are the be all and end all of rep. I am just saying that it was a major reason why I was uncomfortable at first: it is extremely hard to trust people to joke around about us, and our identities, and especially with the added element of the unique hypersexualisation of bisexual f/f attraction. But recently I’ve been rewatching some older and less progressive, less inclusive sitcoms and in comparison, it becomes very clear, the difference between being the butt of the joke (laughed at) or being part of a joke (laughed with). It might help - not just with Eleanor, but with others too - to give some examples:

In Friends, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe, only use the idea of f/f attraction when they want to get the boys’ attention, distract them, win bets, or the like. They are successful in this explicitly because the men find this idea so ridiculously, mind-bogglingly sexy that they can’t think. Yet NONE of these main characters are ever revealed to have an actual, serious attraction to girls; none of them express it outside of the direct goal of getting male attention. Similarly, in How I Met Your Mother, Lily’s repeated expression of a desire to kiss a girl is put down to her artistic nature and rebelliousness, and is repeatedly called “so stupid”, and again, is only used to get male attention (to wake up Barney). When she finally kisses Robin, it goes away (bi experiment trope), and it is implied that ~lol~ after all that Robin might actually want more, but that is then left hanging and never revisited again. There are heaps more, I could go on, but these are all examples of being laughed at. 

Compared to these sorts of jokes, let us reflect on Eleanor again. Jokes around her sexuality include: being so attracted to her female nemesis that Eleanor can’t insult her profusely without starting to compliment her, and being so attracted to her boyfriend’s girlfriend that in a simulation where she plays him, she goes to kiss the girlfriend instead of her assigned goal, which was to break up. If this sounds more like #relatable sapphic content than a dismissive joke, that’s because it is. These jokes could not happen without Eleanor’s attraction to women, that is true, but the attraction itself is not the joke. The joke lies in Eleanor’s reactions to the attraction as a messy, funny, sexually driven human. In this way, her bisexuality forms part of the joke, but it is paired up with her other personality traits as a comedy character to be laughed with. Similarly, with Rosa Diaz, her stunned moment upon seeing Alicia is funny because it is an example of what we in the biz of gay ass blogging sometimes refer to as “useless lesbian brain” (or in this case “useless bi brain”). It’s cute because the love interest is a girl and because Terry is hyper-enthusiastic that it’s a girl. It wouldn’t work as well as a joke if it was not a girl, and heteronormativity is almost definitely the reason for that, but the point still stands that the bisexuality itself is not the joke, it’s the way she responds to it: it’s the fact that Rosa Diaz, usually so suave and in control, loses the ability to Can. Terry’s overly enthusiastic allyship is also funny, but mostly to people who have experienced overly enthusiastic allyship ie the LGBT+ audience.

(To add one final example: I am not aware of ANY male bi rep in older sitcoms, which kinda speaks for itself, but in the more modern ones we have characters such as Darryl Whitefeather (Crazy Ex Girlfriend). One of the biggest jokes around his sexuality is his coming out as “both-sexual!!” Once again, the joke is not the bi attraction itself, but rather, in the fact that lol this pour bi soul didn’t know the word for it! Another example imo of being laughed with).

I know I’m not saying all that much new here. Probably nothing new, to some people. I also know I’m not addressing every joke or facet of bi or LGBT+ rep even in the shows I’ve just listed. I’m not trying to, I mean none of us have all century. I just think it’s important to highlight what I feel is usually quite a strong difference between being laughed at and being laughed with, and that was the main idea of this post. It’s definitely not always as simple as the examples I’ve outlined above (eg. some of the Eleanor jokes are similar to jokes made in Pitch Perfect, in which I would say it’s about being laughed at), but I am just trying to put some words to some of my thought process on this sort of thing, particularly as I rewatch Friends and think about how far we’ve come with it!

One final time, because people in my inbox don’t seem to get it, I am not claiming to be ‘correct’. This is just an aspect of my feelings and opinions. I am also not trying to ‘speak over’ people who actually ID as bi; in fact, it was bi people saying ‘why can’t you let us have funny things’ that actually opened my eyes to a more comfortable bi-friendly interpretation of the treatment of Eleanor’s sexuality in the first place. I’m not trying to say “this is good rep, actually,” or “this is bad rep, actually.” As I said above, I think it’s both, and I think it’s more complicated than that, and most importantly, I am not actually trying to change anyone’s mind. If you resonate with this? Cool. If not, that’s fine. It’s my thoughts, my opinion. It’s not fact and I don’t want to tell anyone how to feel especially about their own rep.

With that in mind, if anyone is interested in chatting with me more about this sort of thing (by which I do not mean harassing me about it) or asking me what I mean by certain things, or for writing advice, or whatever, you’re welcome to do so - this is just the tip of the iceberg! I just wanted to put this out there in the world for whatever purposes it might come to. Thanks for reading!

[imagine-loki]

Packless Monsters

TITLE: Packless Monsters CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 5/? AUTHOR: nekoamamori ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine you’re a werewolf who ends up in the company of Loki in the Avenger’s tower after saving Pepper’s life RATING: M NOTES/WARNINGS: Also on AO3 click here

    Tony and Cap both started giving out orders at the same time to everyone and anyone important enough to get orders. A press conference was set up for the next day before your shift at Stark Industries. Tony had somehow contacted the school and let them know you were moving out of the dorm tonight. You were amazed at the efficiency your life was being rearranged.

    “Y/N, Thor, Nat, you’re with me. We’re going to the dorm to get your things,” Cap ordered. Thor and Nat got to their feet instantly at the order. It took you a moment longer to follow them. Cap actually handed you your school bag. It had gotten left behind at work earlier. Pepper must have brought it with her, though you hadn’t noticed at the time. At least you had your phone, IDs, and keys now.

    “I can go get my things myself,” you hedged. They didn’t need to go out of their way just for you. You’d gotten used to being alone these last four years of school, and still weren’t sure how to deal with humans most of the time. Cap just gave you the overprotective mom look.

    “You’re part of the team. It doesn’t matter that you just joined us today. We protect and help our own. It’s not safe out there for you alone, especially until the press conference tomorrow,” Cap told you firmly. “Besides, you still have at least three bullet holes in you. No need for you to injure yourself more when Thor and I are perfectly capable of carrying the heavy boxes.” You wanted to argue more, but you knew a hopeless fight when you saw it. Might as well let the manly men feel good about themselves for lifting the heavy things. You could have managed, even injured, but it made them feel better.

    Loki had stepped forward too, in order to join you. “Brother, you do not need to come,” Thor told him, not unkindly, more like he was saving his brother from an unpleasant experience.

    “I wish to accompany you, besides, Y/N is under my protection, remember?” Loki replied, his arm was around you, not quite a hug, but his hand was resting on your waist. You were surprised by that. He didn’t seem the type to like casual touches. Thor looked equally shocked by Loki’s reaction.

    You smiled up at Loki. “We’re just going to my dorm to make them lift heavy object and carry boxes. Surely you don’t want to help them,” you teased gently. “However, I would appreciate if you could summon me some shoes?” He hadn’t included shoes earlier and you kinda needed them to go outside, unless you were going out on four feet, which you weren’t.

    “Of course,” he replied kindly. An instant, and one adorable sneeze from you, later, he was handing you a pair of comfortable gym shoes. “Shall we?” he asked, offering you his arm after you had slipped the shoes on. You sighed at the over-protective male, but placed your hand on his arm and followed the others to the elevator.

    It wasn’t long before the giant SUV was pulling up in front of your dorm. You led the way up to your room and were grateful yet again that your roommate was never around. She was an airhead who was never at the dorm and was always drinking, so she’d never noticed you sneaking out to go play in the woods. She wasn’t here now either. You knew because she’d left the door unlocked. Again. You sighed heavily and pushed the unlocked door open. “My roommate never locks it,” you grumbled as the door swung open.

    Before you knew what was happening, Loki had wrapped his arms around your waist, picking you off of your feet and hauling you away from the room while Thor rushed in to the dorm to make sure it was safe. Cap and Natasha just stared at the Asgardians confused. “Loki, put me down!” you told him firmly, surprised that even with your enhanced strength, it was a struggle to fight against him.

    “The room is clear,” Thor announced, stepping back out. His tone sounded off, though. There was something wrong.

    “You make protecting you difficult when you go rushing in to potential danger, little wolf,” Loki told you grumpily as he finally set you back on your feet. You rolled your eyes. You were going to have to have a chat with all of these…shit… why had it taken you so long to realize they were alpha males? Just because they weren’t werewolves didn’t mean they weren’t alpha males. Of course super heroes were. Alpha males could be, and often were, incorrigible around the submissive wolves, they were just as bad around Omegas.

    “I’m capable of protecting myself, and others,” you reminded them grumpily. You pushed past Thor into your tiny dorm room so you could gather up your things. You weren’t expecting the disaster your half of the room was. All of your belongings had been shredded and destroyed. Someone had spray painted a nasty message on the wall above your bed. You just stared in shock at the destruction, tears in your eyes. You had saved the lives of at least a room full of people. Why? Why had they done this?

    “Loki, Y/N seems to like you best. Get her out of here, try to keep her calm, we don’t need an angry werewolf right now. We’ll see if anything can be salvaged,” Cap ordered quickly while you just stared horrified at the damage.

    Loki wrapped an arm around your shoulders and steered you away from the room. “Come on, little wolf,” he told you gently and walked you down the hall. Luckily for them all, your wolf had turned to hurt and sorrow instead of rage and anger.

    “Why did they do that?” you asked him, unable to hide the sorrow from your voice.

    “People are stupid, no matter the realm,” he replied calmly as he led you back out of the dorm into the fresh air. It wasn’t as fresh as the woods, but it was better than the dorm. “Ignore them, love. You don’t need the support of strangers to be your strength. I saw your bravery and strength today, in your willingness to potentially trade your happiness to save others. I think you can be happy with the Avengers. It’s a weird little family they’ve collected, but they are…admittedly… not awful…for mortals,” his tone was so grudging that you couldn’t help laughing at how absurd he was being.

    “You and Thor aren’t mortal,” you reminded him.

    “And neither are you, apparently,” he agreed. You flushed and stepped out of his arms, realizing you’d let him hold you too long. He raised an eyebrow at your reaction. “I thought- I saw how you were with Pepper, how touch-starved living among the humans has made you, how so very very careful you are,” he said softly. An observant male. How rare and definitely interesting.

    “Wolves are overly familiar. Sorry. I did tell you today has been an off day…” you told him quickly, fighting the urge to wrap your arms around yourself.

    He huffed in exasperation. “I would not offer physical comfort were I uncomfortable with the familiarity, little wolf,” he said gently as he wrapped his arms around you again. “It is not something anyone ever seeks from my company. Maybe I enjoy it too,” he admitted softly. You realized that you were seeing a different side of the formal distant prince than anyone else did. “Don’t tell Thor,” he added with a chuckle.

    “Your secret is safe with me,” you replied, laying your head on his chest and just enjoying the comfort of a hug. It had been so very long.

    You both jumped when the rest of the team came out of the dorm. Cap just shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, Y/N, but everything was destroyed. Tony’s sending a team over to deal with the cleanup here,”

    “We’ll stop by the store and get you a few things to tide you over and go shopping properly tomorrow,” Nat added kindly. You nodded dumbly. At least there hadn’t been anything in that room you truly treasured.

    It was hilarious trying to wrangle Thor in the store. He was like a giant kid who just wanted to see everything. Cap dealt with him while you and Nat grabbed the things you needed to survive until tomorrow. Loki was having fun trying to pick out the most ludicrous things that you didn’t possibly need. Like fancy lingerie.

    “You don’t buy that stuff here, silly Trickster, there are specialty stores for that,” you teased him back. He hadn’t expected that reaction. He had expected to embarrass you.

    “You will have to enlighten me,” he replied with a wicked grin.

    “Stop flirting. We need to hurry before Thor destroys everything out of sheer enthusiasm,” Nat scolded you lightly.

    “We’re not flirting!” You and Loki protested at the same time.

    *

    Late that evening you found Loki in the library on a couch in front of a fireplace with a roaring fire in it. You were in your new pajamas, wandering around the tower getting a feel for the place. “Do you mind company?” you asked him softly, announcing your presence. You were nearly silent on bare feet. He looked up from the book he was reading.

    “Not at all,” he replied with a smile, gesturing you into the room.

    You hesitated. “Um…do you mind furry company?” you asked softly, warily, terrified of rejection.

    He raised a brow, curious. “No, but I must admit curiosity as to why you would wish to change forms.” He wasn’t outright rejecting, or scared of you, so you stepped into the room and toward his couch.

    “I want to make sure I heal the rest of the way before tomorrow morning and the press conference. Shifting forms speeds healing during the shifting process,” you explained. “I’d just hide in my room, but… if someone came looking for me they’d be scared to see my wolf. You’ve already seen her at…not her best. I thought if anyone could handle seeing her, or letting the others know I’m not dangerous as a wolf…” you added softly, still scared of fear or rejection, even of such a simple request for company.

    He inclined his head and gestured to one side of the room. “There is a small side room over there. The only entrance to it is through this main room. You would be safe changing forms there. I will not let anyone disturb you,” he told you kindly. You nodded and automatically kissed his cheek in thanks before darting in to the other room to change forms. You weren’t sure you imagined the flush on his cheeks at your automatic gesture of familiarity.

    A few minutes later you were making your way back over to his couch on four feet. The wounds were closed, nearly completely healed. They’d be completely healed when you shifted back to human, but you needed some time before you’d be able to do that. “Better?” Loki asked you when you were close enough to his couch. You nodded and moved to curl yourself in front of the fire. He huffed and patted the couch next to him. “I know you aren’t silly enough to consider laying on the floor when there is a perfectly nice couch here,” he told you firmly. You snorted in laughter, but hopped up on the couch next to him.

    He held two books out in front of you. Both were popular werewolf fiction and naturally you’d read them both before. “Which one?” he asked. You huffed and shook your head at his silliness, but picked the more accurate of the two, tapping it with a paw.

    Somehow your head ended up in his lap and he was absently petting you while he read the first chapters of the werewolf story aloud in his very pleasing accent.

[tonystarktogo]

Tiny Tony Overlord Part 5

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Read on AO3

Betaed by the amazing @folklejend. All remaining mistakes are my own.

Summary: In which Bix isn't as indifferent as she'd like to be, a lot of people die put nobody really cares, a miraculous recovery doesn't actually solve all of Tony's problems and, as always, life isn't fair.

Yay, an update on time! :) Please enjoy! 

.Still The Parking Lot of Zach’s B&B.

Bix doesn’t hate a lot of things. Disliking, sure. A ton of things even, Tony Stark currently being on top of that list. But hate? Hate requires effort, hate requires emotional investment, and Bix happens to be short on both.

What Bix definitely and without question hates, though, are the kid’s eyes.

Sure, rationally Bix knows the kid is Tony Stark. The ‘how’ and ‘why’ are two big, blank spots, but watching a forty-four-year-old man being turned into a kid that doesn’t look a day over nine is a pretty eye-opening experience. It also isn’t relevant to the mission. A dead Stark is a dead Stark after all, no matter at what age.

The problem is, he doesn’t look like a Stark. He looks like a child. A child with big brown eyes staring up at Bix and-

Fuck.

Why is it always brown eyes? Why can’t they be green or blue? And why does this stupid detail make Bix hesitate at all?

[continues under the cut]

Stark is still standing there, looking tiny in front of Bix and the other men. He is clutching a half-empty water bottle like it’s a teddy bear and that shouldn’t have any effect on Bix at all. Just because Stark makes for a damn cute kid and his stubborn pout may or may not raise all sorts of protective instincts Bix didn’t even know existed until now doesn’t have to mean anything.

Bix has been serving Hydra for years , has lied and betrayed and murdered for an organisation that doesn’t give a fuck about them. And Bix isn’t doing it because of some twisted conviction to save the world. All that drivel about humanity being unable to handle freedom and how the world has to be ruled to achieve its true potential is absolute bullshit. An excuse for a couple of power-hungry maniacs to justify their genocide, nothing more.

And right now Bix is supposed to murder another kid for their little chess game. A brown-eyed kid.

It is an over-eager underling who decides to take things into his own hands. Far too impatient, he won’t last long in the field.

Unfortunately, Bix doesn’t even get to punish the wayward minion, which is honest to god the best part of being team leader, because in that moment, mini-Stark activates the Asset. The one thing everyone had been so sure he wouldn’t be capable of, wouldn’t figure out how to do in time.

They should have accounted for Stark’s completely unrealistic luck in their plans, damn it.

Not that it matters anymore. The Soldier has been activated. Stark’s command doesn’t leave much wiggle room either. Twelve of SHIELD’s standard combatants against the Winter Soldier? Bix doesn’t need a fortune teller to know how this fight is going to end.

Bix doesn’t bother to share that revelation with the other agents. It would be a waste of time. Besides, it’s not like Hydra choses its recruits based on their well-developed sense of loyalty. Instead, Bix does the only sensible thing when faced with a brutal killing machine that has been turned loose: Bix jumps over Stark’s crumbled body and runs.

* * * * *

Waking up in a place you don’t remember falling asleep in is an incredibly disconcerting experience. Waking up in a pool of blood, on the other hand, is almost comforting in its familiarity.

Slowly, Tony lifts his head. The motion is less painful than anticipated, considering the amount of blood his body is covered in. Curling his toes and clenching his hands confirms that his extremities are in working order as well, and besides the persistent ache in his left upper arm and the cuts on his hands, he seems to be uninjured.

Tony should probably freak out about the blood on him—he looks like he’s come fresh off the set of a really bad horror flick—but frankly, he’s woken up in worse. Actually, he feels pretty good about himself right now. His pulsing headache has completely disappeared and though no more than thirty minutes could have passed, Tony feels well-rested and energised.

It’s true, he supposes; the mental state does influence one’s physical condition. Because for the first time since he’s woken up in that café, his mind is clear.

Hell, he’s been so gone, he hasn’t even realised how off he has been these past few hours. How foggy and sluggish his mind worked, how many holes there were in his memory that he had lacked the capacity to even notice. He had been running on barely-there instincts and nothing else. It was sheer dumb luck Dead-Eyes hadn’t killed him on the spot.

And then the confrontation in the parking lot. Tony hasn’t walked into an ambush like that in years. It is a good thing Vic had been unable to accompany him; she would have murdered him for his lack of caution.

In his defence, Tony had underestimated how fractured, for lack of a better word, the transfer would be. He had been warned, multiple times, about the dangers of messing with the time storage, but those warnings had always focused on the risks of knowing too much. The unpredictable ways the future would be changed by that knowledge alone. The very real possibility of being driven into insanity by a reality that would no longer be real.

In a way, Tony understands those concerns better now. After the constant pain of the last few hours, the sensation of being mentally ripped apart, of being overwhelmed by a life that is not quite his own, the terror of drowning in a future that can never be allowed to come to pass yet has, he gets how tempting an escape from the horror of it all can be.

At the same time though, there is this nagging voice in the back of his mind, the disbelieving “Is that really all you’ve got?“ he can’t fully silence. Because the truth is, compared to the last couple of years, this pain, this terror, is nothing.

Tony winces, instinctively shying away from the darkest of his new memories. The deaths, the hopelessness, the torture, the fight they continued because there was nothing else left to do anymore. The hollow victory when they had finally, finally discovered a cure—too late to make a difference, too late to save anyone. An endless line of faces, young and old. People they lost, people who sacrificed themselves, people who betrayed them in the end.

And now here he is. In 2014, where none of it has happened yet, back in a time where he can still make a difference, and yet Tony doesn’t feel relieved or accomplished—he feels cheated.

Can it really be this simple? Is one highly unstable formula and a reckless veteran of the Last War all it takes to save the world? Granted, he is in the body of his ten-year-old self, which is odd. Definitely not one of the side-effects Tony can remember. But his age is only a minor setback. If what the world needed was a warrior it wouldn’t have been him whom they would have sent. He should still be able to create the cure once he has procured the necessary equipment; he can worry about the distribution after that.

Except. Tony furrows his brows in concentration, does his best to draw up every single memory he has pertaining the invasion, the war councils, the endless hours spent in labs and workshops. He recalls his arguments with Rogers early on, Pepper sobbing into his shoulder at Happy’s funeral, the March of the Dead Children, the mistakes they made in the beginning and then never again. It’s all there, burned into his mind, with a clarity that he knows will give him nightmares for years to come.

The only thing Tony can’t seem to recall is the enemy. Who they were fighting. What they were fighting. He knows there was something; he knows it destroyed them and he knows they found a cure. Tony balls his bloodied hands into fists, and for the first time, there is something like panic uncurling in his chest.

No. This has to be some sort of sick cosmic joke. It’s just not possible. He can’t have forgotten the cure. He can’t have forgotten the threat. The memories have to be there somewhere, buried perhaps, but they have to exist. They have to.

Tony swallows, almost chokes on the bile rising in his throat. He can’t watch his world be torn apart again, knowing something is coming yet unable to do anything until the threat reveals itself. It will be too late by then, he already knows that. Already lived through it once. And if there is one thing he knows for certain, it’s that he can’t live through it again.

Please don’t make me live through it again.

Tony doesn’t even realise how fast he’s spiralling until the heavy sound of approaching footsteps awakens his deeply-ingrained survival instincts. He is on his feet before he recognises Dead-Eyes, who appears to be carrying two bodies. Two very, very dead bodies. The horrifying sight actually helps grounding Tony once more. It reminds him that he is currently standing on a battlefield, and that, at least, is something he knows so well it’s become routine at this point.

There are seven bodies that he can see—which is not saying much if one takes his current size into account—all of them dressed and armed for battle. Dropping to his knees next to the closest one, Tony turns the male onto his back and looks him over. Early thirties, no memorable features, one bullet wound to the head, two more in his chest. He’s not carrying anything worthwhile except for a small knife that Tony pockets and a badge identifying him as Agent Trent Michaels.

“He’s SHIELD,” Tony muses out loud and crawls towards the next body, where he finds a similar badge.

For a long moment he stares at the IDs in silent contemplation. Then he lifts his head and meets Dead-Eyes’ expectant glance. “Get me the others as well.”

In total, there are eleven bodies, all of them official SHIELD agents. Tony would need access to a database to make sure they’re valid but there is no reason to assume they aren’t. Which leaves two very important questions. One: Why on earth does SHIELD want him dead? Nothing in Tony’s memories hints at a similar occurrence in his past—future—other life. Sure, he isn’t particular chummy with the spy agency, but a death sentence seems a bit much, even by Fury’s standards. Two: How likely is it that they are gonna ask questions first and shoot later once they find their decimated agents? And that’s a rhetorical question.

Seems like Tony’s original plan—get to his old team mates, prove his identity, get into the best lab there is and fix this mess—isn’t so feasible anymore.

Staring down at the motionless bodies of the SHIELD agents, Tony knows with absolute certainty that he can’t contact the organisation, no matter how useful their resources might prove to be. Not without taking unpredictable risks and definitely not without letting Dead-Eyes take the fall for this bloodbath. It would be possible, Tony is sure he could work it out somehow, but he finds himself surprisingly averse to the idea.

By all means, it should be an easy choice. Knowing that his old friends, his self-made family are waiting for him in a home he’d built for them all, alive and well. The idea of getting that back, no matter the dangers, no matter what body he is in, is incredibly tempting. It’s a dream he has held onto for years, finally within his reach, and yet. His eyes find Dead-Eyes’ motionless shadow at his back for a moment and Tony feels his throat closing up and traitorous tears burning behind closed lids because it has never been a choice at all.

For the first time since waking up in a world two heads smaller than every enemy trying to kill him, Tony actually feels ten years old. Because right now he doesn’t want to save the world, doesn’t want to cry himself to sleep over a stupid cure he can’t seem to remember. He wants Jarvis. He wants his parents. He wants to hide under his bed forever.

He can’t go back to being that scared, ten year old ever again and it’s not fair.

Then Tony’s spine stiffens and narrow shoulders straighten with steely determination. “Soldier,” he calls out, the designation falling naturally from his lips. Watches as Dead-Eyes snaps to attention, dark, ever so intelligent eyes focusing on him. It helps, being the centre of someone’s focus. Grounds him in a way Tony had forgotten he could be anchored. “Destroy any evidence of our presence and let’s get out of here. We’re going dark.”

Because above all else, Tony Stark, at any age and in any form, is a futurist.

Tony doesn’t go back. He moves forward.

A little shorter than usual but I promise the next chapter will make up for that. Also, we've officially reached the end of the "introduction" period. All the pieces have been placed on the board. Now it's time to get this game started...

Please let me know what you think, and if you have any theories about where this story goes now I'd love to hear them! Have a relaxing Sunday everybody!

[laundryandtaxes]

hey, i hope this isnt too invasive but im struggling w my identity and id like ur persepctive. how did you know u were a butch lesbian and not a transman? im attached to my lesbian identity and my relationship to womanhood but i also often feel dysphoric and want top surgery. how do i reconcile these things that i feel are diametrically opposed? how do i know i am a butch lesbian vs a transmasc nb lesbian person?

Thank you for sending this message and reaching out- I know it can be hard to talk about, I’ve been there myself as someone who disidentified for several years, and I’m glad you reached out to talk about it rather than hold it in. Just to get this out of the way, I don’t think these things are diametrically opposed at all.

The first thing I think you should consider is whether you really consider womanhood an option. I know that sounds a bit silly but so many of us absolutely did not realize it was actually, really, physically possible to grow old as women, to have sex as women, to have friends as women, because so many of us either had no friends like us or, in many cases, had friends like us only to see absolutely all of them stop identifying as women. I think there are a number of forces pushing in the direction of disidentification- it is hard to be a gnc girl and this leads to many of us not having solid senses of self as adults, it is hard to not see anyone who looks like you want to claim community with you specifically as women and this can make you feel like you literally are not real, it is just materially more appealing to be perceived as a non gnc man than a gnc woman and if you can pass 100% of the time it’s an appealing option because it means a better paycheck and safety when you walk down the street and so on, it hurts when your friends literally don’t treat you like they treat other women, and in many queer circles right now it is popular for people to straight up either ask when you’re transitioning or tell you that being a boring cis woman is regressive and not even possible if you see yourself as masculine, and the proper thing to do is to at least change your pronouns and pick up a gender identity that’s not regressive. This is a really confusing mixture of social impulses and material impulses, but I don’t think that we should always see the drive to disidentify as an individual decision with no social input having happened- there are lots of forces that make a lot of us, butch women especially, give up on a womanhood which people keep telling us we are doing wrong. So I would ask yourself what you think there is about women that means you can’t be one- there’s nothing wrong with being a woman who isn’t feminine, or even a woman like myself who primarily sees herself as a masculine person, and I think perhaps more now than ever we all need to at least be told that this in an option.

The second thing I think you should consider is what those terms mean to you and I think you should understand that none of them have one agreed upon definition. The way that I see myself is absolutely the same as how some people who identify as transmasc see themselves, down to my experiences with dysphoria, and honestly I have had conversations with more than one trans man who’ve told me our experiences and senses of self are more similar than different . I think the idea that you’re obligated to pick a term and then, if you should happen to pick the wrong one, you’re suddenly cut off from any community with women and lesbians is stupid and cruel. I think it is cruel to call straight trans men lesbians en masse but it is undeniable that there have always been and will always be trans men who still see themselves as very connected to women, who see themselves as living a certain kind of lesbian experience, etc- and the drive among those people to retain communities that have brought them up is not nasty male predatory behavior, it’s a desire to keep community with people they see as similar and important to them, and that’s fine. So this whole issue of picking the wrong term and then being shunned by lesbian communities of course has some basis- if you plan to date other lesbians then transition will shorten your options because there will likely be physical changes and social changes that most lesbians are just not going to be comfortable with, whether that is calling you her boyfriend or you growing facial hair, whether you see yourself as living a kind of lesbian experience or not- but when it comes to just retaining friendships and friend circles and not pretending you don’t relate to butch writing anymore, I don’t think that is a predicament you should be facing at all. Culturally, you probably will right now and that’s sad and unfortunate and I think encourages people to draw lines along identity politics rather than who you feel to be your people. But as far as I’m concerned, if lesbians are your people then we’re just you’re people and that’s that, and that space is generally there in some capacity if you want to claim it. But really the primary differences between myself and a “transmasc nb lesbian person” are literally just the terms we pick to describe ourselves (which is minimally important to me personally) and, in some cases, transition itself. To be perfectly clear though, I don’t believe there are hard lines between terms that refer to gender identity anyway- they’re terms that make us comfortable or uncomfortable, but one experience can go by a million names and you never know except by talking to individual people. If you want to call yourself an nb lesbian that’s totally fine, just know that your experiences are shared by lots of women who just call themseves butches and that you can have community there if you want it.

And then, lastly, I don’t think transition (social or physical) is a worst case scenario at all, or something you should see as a last ditch effort. It will come with its own set of challenges but honestly you’ve already faced many of those challenges as a gnc woman, and the others you should hopefully find communities of other people to help you out. In some communities, you will certainly be pushed away if you start seeing yourself as trans in some way due to concerns about you suddenly becoming a totally different person who wants to infiltrate women’s spaces. I think that’s stupid and, ironically, transphobic in its implication than transition will somehow make you a worse person than before. But in many communities, you will absolutely not be pushed away and I don’t think you should be. This is a matter of your comfort and your health, and I hope the women around you respect that.

This got long, sorry, but I wanted to give you a full answer because I’ve been there myself and didn’t call myself a woman for several years (I know almost no butches who didn’t disidentify at some point, including some who either transitioned and then stopped or are just living stealth as men still while reidentifying because that’s the cleanest option for them) and I think this sentiment is really common among us for right now, but really all I needed to read and respond to is “im attached to my lesbian identity and my relationship to womanhood” because that’s it, then! No matter what you call yourself I’ll consider you a sister or sibling of mine in some capacity, but I want to stress that there is nothing about you that is not true or cannot be true of at least some women, and if you want space here, which you just told me, it is here for you whether you’re dysphoric or end up choosing top surgery or whatever. If you know that your people are here then I’m quite happy to have you as one of us, whatever that means to you and whatever makes that easier for you. I honestly get the feeling that, like many of us, you are asking for permission to hold space with other women and other lesbians, and you absolutely have it. Much love your way, and keep in touch somehow!

[theforgottengn]

Gas Station Adventures

Characters: Hotel, Echo, Sierra, Juliett, Victor, Kilo & Unnamed Blonde Woman

Word Count: 2,100

Trigger Warning: Um... Slight swearing. Mention of drugs. Mention of prostitution.

Summary: So, um, here’s a thing I wrote instead of doing more important things... Anyway. Hotel tries to save some lady’s life late one night. (I don’t know how to summarizes things well.) Click that read more.

XXXXX

It was that time of night where the sky was at its blackest but no stars were shining. Not that many people were out and about at this time of night other than your average shady folks. Criminals, drug addicts, the ladies and men of the night. But the man, clad fully in black, who sat in the white Dodge Camaro fit none of those categories.

Long and lonesome nights were a part of his job but Hotel didn’t care. Actually, if he was being honest, it was the one of the few parts of his job that he liked. As he filled the tank Hotel people-watched. He had nothing better to with his wait after all. From the driver’s seat he had a clear view of the small gas station store. Which meant that he also had a clear view of the blonde woman who stumbled out of the store’s door.

It was obvious to him that the woman was either drunk or high. But despite her state she seemed in need of help.

Since when do you care? You never care, he thought to himself.

Nothing was truer. Hotel never cared much for anyone; even his teammates. He barely tolerated them and that came from years of working together. That and because he had to work with them. The alternative was something he didn’t want to even think about. But his disdain for other humans was something he never lied about even though his job called for constant deceit. There was no reason why he should care about this woman. And besides that he had a self-imposed rule that prevented him from doing anything on the off chance he saw something he couldn’t ignore.

Hotel thought about that rule as he watched the woman’s heel snap causing her to fall on her face.

But Hotel just shrugged it off. He wasn’t going to move; someone else would come along anyway and help the blonde up from the pavement. Hotel began to get a bit concerned when he looked back in her direction and she was still face down. Something was definitely wrong here.

He desperately looked around the station. The only other car was a black GMC Acadia which had just driven out onto the road. The lone store clerk was helping another customer and the rest of the gas station was completely empty. All of which meant no-one saw the blonde tumble. Except him. Logic dictated that he had to help. Besides Sierra would guilt trip him if she found out that he sat there and did nothing. He had to help whether he wanted to or not.

Fuck it. He muttered to himself as he opened the driver side door and got out.

Hotel regrettably rushed to the woman’s side. When he was less than an arm’s length away he could see that her hair wasn’t naturally blonde. Her brown roots were beginning to come through the bad dye job. The bad kind of dye job you only get through store bought box hair dye. She wore a tight, red tube top which was splattered with dark stains that he could only guess at, a black leather biker jacket, a black short skirt and badly torn fishnet leggings. Her broken heels were also red obviously chosen to match her shirt.

She was all around skinny but her arms and legs were even more so. He could see all her bones through her skin and her ribs looked as if they would rip through her shirt. Grabbing her by the arm he could actually feel the bones inside. There was absolutely no muscle on this woman. As he helped her up from the pavement he couldn’t help but catch sight of the cigarette burns and track marks that ran up her left arm. She looked up at him with a wide smile and pupils so big that they almost covered her light brown eyes.

Heroin addict. Of course she’s a heroin addict.

“Thanks, but I think I got it from here.”

Even though her speech was slurred he could tell she had an unmistakable French accent combined with a smoker’s rasp. He was going to let it go at that, go back to the car without giving her a second thought, but then he saw the gash on her forehead. She hit her head on the pavement when she fell.

He grabbed his emergency wallet from his back pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. Hotel’s emergency wallet was exactly that. It only held the essentials that he would need in any type of emergency; fake ID & passport, credit card, cash, and the handkerchief. The cell phone in the front pocket of his uniform was also a part of that in case of emergency package. Besides there was no way he could call 911 on his comm.

Passing her the handkerchief in utter silence she gave him a confused look.

“For your head.”

Her mouth opened a bit but eventually she nodded and took the hankie he offered. Holding it to her head wound she smiled at him again.

“Wait here.”

Running back to the Camaro he popped the trunk. When he reached the open trunk he grabbed the first aid kit that was secured on the underside on the top of the trunk. Quickly opening it he scanned its contents just to make sure everything was still inside. Sure enough everything was in its proper place.

What are you doing?

You’re breaking your one rule.

Hotel ignored the inner voice of his conscious and rushed back to the woman.

Telling the blonde to sit on the pavement he opened the first aid kit. But before he checked any of her wounds he took the flashlight from the hook on his belt. He was pretty sure the woman had a concussion but he wanted to be sure just in case. The blonde was visibly bothered by the light before he could even look at her eyes.

Then he started to look at her head wound. Taking the handkerchief from her hand he noticed that the cut on her forehead was not as bad as it seemed. The problem with head wounds is they always bleed so much that it’s hard to tell how deep they go.

But the woman’s seemed like a small cut.

“You’re lucky it isn’t something more serious.”

He cleaned her head wound once more then covered it with a bandage. Then he walked back to the Camaro and returned the first aid kit.

The blonde was on her feet when he returned which was a good sign. They both stood in awkward silence for what seemed like a rather long time until Hotel cleared his throat. There was no way that this woman would be able to even walk to the highway to hitch-hike wherever she wanted to go. And she got could be hurt more than he already knew.

“Do you want to go in my car?”

“Are you coming on to me? Not sure if you have the stomach for what I usually give my clients but we’ll have to see where the night takes us lover-boy.” She ended with a wink.

Oooh. A heroin addict and a prostitute? Must be my lucky day.

Hotel shook his head not wanting to think about what this lady of the night was talking about. He already regretted helping her in the first place. And now he just wanted to get as far away from her as quickly as he could. “To wait while I call you an ambulance. Your head is bleeding pretty badly and you might have a concussion. We should probably get those broken heels off first.”

What. Are. You. Doing?

She nodded and began to remove her shoes. Hotel let the woman hold onto him for balance. When her heels were fully off she offered her arm. He sighed and took it; guiding her through the short walk to the Camaro.

Regretting this heroism yet?

In truth he was regretting the whole night already. The whole thing went downhill when he pulled into this gas station to fill up the Camaro. Hotel was regretting his rash decision even more so when the box-blonde began to snuggle up against him as they walked to the car. When she tried to kiss him he turned away from her. She pouted and looked at him with sad puppy dog eyes. “Don’t play games with me lover-boy,” she said with a laugh as she tried again. And again Hotel turned down the woman’s advances.

When they reached the car and Hotel pushed her into the passenger seat.

“Woohoo! Shotgun!”

Hotel sighed and shook his head as he returned the nozzle to the gas pump.

“You sure you don’t want to join me, lover-boy?” She cooed trying to coax him into a night of passion.

He ignored her and took out his phone. Then he began to walk away from the Camaro and the fake-blonde who sat inside. Hotel didn’t want this woman to say, or do, anything that would make the dispatcher think he was pranking them.

The last thing I need is police sniffing around here.

When Hotel reached the small store he dialed 911. He looked at the woman in the Camaro just to make sure she didn’t try to run off. Sure enough she was still in the car; putting out cigarette ashes on the dash. The sight of that made Hotel shudder in disgust. Nobody in the world should treat such a beautiful car in such a careless way.

Why would you do that to her? What did my Camaro ever do to you?

Turning away from the sightline of the smoking blonde he held his breath.

He didn’t know what he was getting himself into, helping this random woman, and he was beyond nervous. She already began to worry him and he didn’t want to leave her alone for long. Hotel told the rude male dispatcher all that he could. He decided to leave out the fact that the woman in his car was high. He didn’t know how long the ambulance would take and the drugs in her system could run their course in that time. He didn’t see the need to add that information.

Rehashing the story for the man made the whole situation seem silly. Especially when Hotel considered what he usually does in these situations. What was it about this woman that changed his rule?

Never get involved. Bystanders stand by and that’s it. But what did you do?

“Ok, we’ll send an ambulance.” The dispatcher hung up before Hotel could ask the ambulance’s ETA. Sighing annoyed he shook his head. He put his phone back in the front pocket of his pants and turned back in the direction of the Camaro.

Instead of the Camaro all he saw were the car’s back lights as the box-blonde sped off.

Hotel stared up at the black, starless, sky and sighed.

This is why I hate people.

He hated that he had to do this since she was supposed to be only back-up on this mission. But, then again, this counted as needing back-up, right? She was most likely still hanging out at the hotel they booked. That or she was at the rendezvous point since they were supposed to be almost done. Almost done, ready to go home, and then he had to mess things up by trying to help.

And now he was going to be in a heap of trouble when they got back; all for nothing.

I’m never making this mistake ever again.

Tapping his ear-comm he called Echo. Echo was the perfect person to call at a time like this in actuality she was the only person that he could call.

Sierra would try to convince him that he still did the right thing despite how it ended. Jule would either make fun of him for trying to help or she’d shut down. That’s what they get for using a codeword that affected her so much more than the rest of them. But then again that wasn’t their decision to make. Juliett and Sierra were too far away to get to him in time anyway. Papa was nowhere near his location since she was distracting the target so Vic and Kilo can bug his house. Which would mean that neither of the three would be much help

Echo was his only choice.

“Tokyo.”

I’m about 16 klicks out, so, ETA 30 minutes.

Knowing Echo she’d make it in less than half that time.

[viratsharma1100-blog]

Security Guard Recruitment - How To Take Care Of Home Security Issues While You're On Vacation

On Saturday, October 24 2009, in Richmond, California; at Richmond High School, a 15 year old girl attended her Home Coming Dance, it was supposed to find been a fun and enjoyable occasion. It turned out to be able to a night mare for contains almost fifteen year old student. This reported that the girl called her dad to pick her up and left the dance; then she met up with a 15 year old boy; they walked to a back alley in an area away out of your dance; it is not clear if she walked with him willingly or was led there by force. Other young men showed up. A group of young men between the day of 15 to 21 over powered the girl. They robbed, beat and gang raped the young daughter for approximately two and one half hours; there were approximately 20 by-standers, however no one reached the girl's rescue.

Image Source:

Security Guard Recruitment Agencies - What Everyone Is Saying About Security Guard

CSI (CBS, 9pm) - NEW! The CSIs investigate when a males takes a fatal plunge off of a hotel balcony to a choice in which he committed suicide or was slain.

Image Source: 

Security Guard Recruitment Agency - The Ugly Truth About Security Guard

I think of yourself as in a health club at least twice 1 week. According to the spa manager, for people who have a responsible job aboard a Ship which makes one week cruises then there isn't social day-to-day lives. She only forgot to point out that she met her ex aboard a speed boat.I miss a state of interpersonal communication and I personally use the patients to talk to and gain knowledge from about their lives. Sometimes it's even exciting. Jews of course have a direct affinity together with their stories reflect the wanderings and walking in the desert usually are part within our nation's story forever. Can my incredibly.

Video Source:

Security Guard Staffing Agencies - What Everyone Must Know About Security Guard

A covert hidden spy camera is invariably an even better deterrent rather than a burglar alarm or a recruitment in security guard. A camera is proven to identify possess guys catching them red handed outdoors or indoors.

Manpower Security Guard Services - How To Improve At Security Guard In 60 Minutes

I reached know individuals and we developed new friendships only one person really caught my eyes. We became neighbors and slowly our relationship developed appropriate love arrangement. 

My dad got saved sometime in the late 70s, if Walking out to right. I can remember being so angry at period. He was transformed into male that everyone at church loved. He sang for special occasions at church. My dad could really sing, as well Security Guard Services as sang for your Lord's beauty. I was thinking to myself though, that persons of the church are not aware the man that I am aware. They don't know what he's put his family still. My hate grew and grew. 

This is among the most rare Scooby mysteries that ghosts and monsters actually turn out to be real. While this is a rarity for that Scoobies, that is part of is considerably Security Guard Consultancy different from that of this usual mysteries that become be ordinary people clothed as monsters to spook everyone. However, this can certainly make it a little scarier for young children to enjoy. As usual, I recommend previewing this before allowing children to view the movie.

The possibilities are endless and fake IDs are extra to pretend infront of one's friends that you may be someone in addition. So think of how added with it amongst friends within an innocent jokes and just ignore using it for something illegal. Around the globe strongly far better avoid having troubles so before you use one you should definitely do not break any law.

Four men slowly emerged, heads shaking, hands gesturing when compared to the freezing wet January wind stole their words. Three of the men got behind the car, the dark leather encased bass fiddle shackled by its roof glistened with frost. Suddenly one of them, wearing a light blue parka broke away, bent his hooded go to the bitter wind and pushed on down the road stopping midway at a black door indented from a red brick wall. He opened the door, entered a small gray vestibule and tapped on just a little square eye-port. I was standing next to Charlie Burgess, the paunchy security guard, who turned in the clank-clank-clank of the glass and slid of the question open.

Join or start a neighborhood watch put in your locality. Trim shrubs around lower-level doors and windows get rid of hiding zones. And one tip that works very effectively is place a sign in your front yard warning in the place of vicious guard dog. Will not need even demand a dog.

5) Be sure the writing very simple and concise. Many employers look for writing capabilities. When you write reports while being employed as a recruitment in security guard, you will constantly have to write simply and appropriately. Your resume should reflect that. 

I got involved any super successful, super brilliant computer master, Brent Phillips. Faced having a life of disability resulting from repetitive stress injuries from 100 hours work-week the actual building of his companies, he tried (and these regimen failed) doctors, chiropractors, physiotherapists, Chinese medicine, cleanses, supplements, other diets, that being said on. This took about 10 years all the while he was in severe pain and disabled from toiling. Compounded with just about all this, he also had personal and business partner ailments. 

The Good Guys (Fox, 9pm) - NEW! Taken truck investigation leads Jack and Dan to diamond jewelry heist, and Dan learns that Jack is pursuing a spot in at the very top police equipment.

It is Elvis' first opportunity at the "really big time". Within a cultural world governed by tastes developed over the decades, the big eastern cities, New York especially, were the epicenters of principles considered pertaining to being popular guitar. Country music was held far away. Not one radio station in New York played new bands. Elvis, the country boy, just turned twenty one years of age, simply knew this but had to have apprehensions about being previously biggest and plenty of alien involving most cities for his chance at the "real" known. If he was told "never arrive back," by Stage Show where else could he go, marriage whole country had seen him? He was understandably nervous when he arrived.

Anyone can't afford to not have one! Discover what is having when anyone with there at home, business enterprise or office from anywhere in the world. 

Author Name:- Virat Sharma

Address:- 104 Esplanade ave 120, 

                  Pacifica, CA               

Mobile No:- +1 917-668-8461

[demitgibbs]

Margot Robbie Talks Queen Elizabeth Drag, Gay Brother’s Popularity

After a fierce, Oscar-nominated turn as scandalous skater Tonya Harding in 2017’s I, Tonya, Margot Robbie is off the ice and holding royal court as Queen Elizabeth I in Mary Queen of Scots. Exercising a power over Europe so great during the 16th century’s latter half, nothing could stop Her Majesty – not even her cousin, Mary Stuart (portrayed by Saoirse Ronan).

Their vicious and ultimately deadly contention, the result of Mary’s request to be Elizabeth’s heir, is chronicled with delicious matriarchal bite for the #MeToo era, glamorous period-film beauty (those gowns!) and one very infamous beheading in director Josie Rourke’s diverse doozy of a historical drama. Beau Willimon’s screenplay also turns a tender, heartbreaking eye to Elizabethan Era queerness via Italian courtier and Mary’s friend and private secretary, David Rizzio, known in the film simply as Rizzio and portrayed by Ismael Cruz Cordova.

Ruler of the box-office in films such as 2013’s The Wolf of Wall Street and 2016’s Suicide Squad, as hammer-wielding warrior Harley Quinn, a role she will reprise in 2020 for a Harley-centered spin-off, Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn), the 28-year-old Australian actress is a queen in her own right.

Read on for Robbie’s essential tips for drag queens looking to perfect their Elizabeth look (hint: no arsenic) – plus, talk about her “too gay to function” brother Cameron Robbie, whom she considers her best friend, and a career highlight: watching Martin Scorsese direct a gay orgy.

What tips do you have for drag queens looking to transform themselves into Queen Elizabeth I?

(Laughs) Well, you definitely want to avoid getting smallpox – you have to really layer on the makeup to hide those pox-mark scars! So avoid that at all costs. For a drag makeover, I could give you a list of what not to do: number one, don’t put lead and arsenic in your makeup the way Queen Elizabeth did because, uh, it really could shorten your life. And I love that she stuck to the red hair and went with the even more vibrant color red and the more elaborate hairstyles as the years progressed.

The contrast with the white makeup, it really worked on her.

Mmhmm! Serious contrasting. I mean, she had very thin eyebrows – I don’t think that’s really the style these days. Not really in vogue right now.

But if you really set yourself apart…

Exactly. If you wanna make it clear that you’re really heading toward Queen Elizabeth, yeah, the thin eyebrows are a definite giveaway. White makeup. Fiery red wigs. And just bedazzle yourself. Jewels everywhere!

They wore their jewelry in a different way. Instead of wearing necklaces and bracelets and earrings, which they did do, jewels and diamonds and rubies were sewn into their outfits, which I thought was really amazing. Then when they would get undressed – at the end of it their ladies in waiting would undress them – the jewels would just scatter to the floor and someone would have a dustpan and sweep them up for the next outfit.

When you read the script, were you surprised by the film’s queerness? And were you disappointed that Mary got a gay “sister” friend in Rizzio and you didn’t? 

Yes! I was very jealous of Mary’s plot in general. I think it was actually a big part of it, that Elizabeth was more isolated. I think that was kind of self-inflicted; she had such a mistrust in almost everyone around her and had a very cynical nature out of self-preservation, therefore she isolated herself. Even with the gowns, you see over the years, as they get bigger and bigger, she’s literally keeping people at arm’s length at all times. So, I was very jealous that I didn’t have the same (relationship) as Mary and Rizzio. So very unfair. (Laughs)

What about this time period were you most surprised by?

I was interested to kind of discover that the Renaissance period was much more liberal in terms of sexuality than it is today. It’s interesting to kind of consider that, or to recognize how we just put labels on everything today. We label everything, and in doing so we often simplify often-complicated things. We’re so quick to say, “This person’s straight, this person’s bisexual, this person’s gay, this person’s Republican, this person’s whatever,” and we label everything.

But in terms of sexuality, the Renaissance period, they were far more fluid about sexuality, and bisexual wasn’t really a term that had to be placed on someone – it was very common for men to be married and also sleep with other men. That wasn’t something that people felt the need to label.

So that was really interesting, and then on the flip side the women at the time, particularly female monarchs, literally were a body. That was their commodity. Producing a male heir was kind of their purpose and once they had done that and achieved their purpose they were kind of swept aside. So, it was interesting to see, on one side, how liberal and open sexuality could be at the time – but, on the other side, how women were seen as a commodity, and not more than a conduit for their male successor.

Shifting to your portrayal of Tonya Harding, did you know that you were playing someone who many in the LGBTQ community consider a queer icon?

I did not realize that at the time. I did hear that, and I thought, “Oh, she’s got some pretty fun skate costumes!” But tell me more about that.

It’s her underdog status.

Underdog status – I love that, yes. Well, as an Aussie, we always gravitate toward underdog stories, anyway, so yeah, that’s one of the reasons I played her.

Is being an underdog an Aussie thing?

Yeah, yeah. Always. The country identifies itself as an underdog itself and has that mentality of fighting for your place, so I love underdog stories.

You’ve long fought for LGBTQ underdogs. You were a staunch supporter of marriage equality before Australia finally legalized same-sex marriages. You even wore a “Say I Do Down Under” shirt when you hosted Saturday Night Live in 2016. December marks the one-year anniversary of that landmark ruling. How did you celebrate the legalization of same-sex marriage in Australia last year?

Honestly, I almost didn’t feel like celebrating because I was so upset that it took them that long to legalize it. I feel like when it was legalized across America that’s when I really wanted to celebrate. I thought, “Wow, this is a long way for America to come.” America, to me, holds such conservative Christian values, generally speaking, so for that to happen in America was like, “Wow, this is really a time to celebrate.”

Australia is awesome and can be so progressive, but the fact that we were so late in doing that upset me so deeply that I truly almost didn’t want to celebrate because I thought they didn’t deserve celebration.

Too little, too late, Australia?

(Laughs) Yes, too late, Australia! No, no; it was bittersweet. Of course I was happy and proud that we finally joined the 21st century in that regard, but at the same time, it was bittersweet. I really felt it should’ve been done a lot sooner.

You have a brother, Cameron, who has described himself on Instagram as “too gay to function.” Are you aware of the gay community’s interest in your brother?

No! But I’m sure he would love to hear that. He’s awesome. I have two brothers and a sister, but Cameron and I were particularly close growing up. He’s always been my best friend – since he was born, really. So, he would be thrilled to hear that. He would really appreciate that.

How did he come out to you?

Well, I guess that’s kind of his story to tell. I wouldn’t feel right to speak on his behalf. But like I said, he’s my best friend, as are all my siblings. I love them endlessly and always will.

Does he take you to gay bars?

I’ve been going to gay bars and clubs since I got my ID – and probably long before that! There was this fantastic gay club in Melbourne, so when I turned 18 – 18 is the legal drinking age in Australia – and while I was living in Melbourne we used to always go, because on a Saturday night they would do a musical drag performance. It was always incredible. I don’t know how they would get it together every week. I don’t know where they found the time or the costumes; they had the costumes put together, the musical art, the choreography. But every Saturday night we would go to this club and just have the best time ever. And I remember they did this one musical performance about Wicked and it was just the best thing you’ve ever seen. So, I’ve been going to gay clubs ever since I’ve legally been able to go to clubs. I always have more fun.

Those queens are gonna be very proud to see you as an actual queen.

Yes, I hope so!

Iconically, you walked in on a gay orgy dressed in Versace in The Wolf of Wall Street. Was that a first for you?

That was a first for me. I can’t say that I’ve walked in on any gay orgies in the past.

RELATED:

In a Versace outfit, no less.

In the most fabulous Versace outfit you’ve ever seen! I really wish that they got more screen time – I don’t think you ever get to see them – but they were incredible vintage Versace boots buckled all the way up to mid-calf.

Hate to break it to you, Margot, but I don’t think that scene was about your boots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don’t think anyone was looking at the boots. But to watch Martin Scorsese choreograph a gay orgy was truly a highlight of my career. He really approached it with as much professionalism and dedication as any other scene in the movie. I mean, a lot of the scenes are absolutely crazy with so much happening, but to see him sort of choreograph the gay orgy was truly a wonderful experience.

I had read that Scorsese even brought in another choreographer, Michael Arnold, to help organize the shoot.

Oh yeah! It was intricate. There was a lot going on. It was wonderful to be a part of it, though.

In August, DC Comics confirmed that Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are married, and in 2020, you will play Harley in her own movie. For Birds of Prey, are you mindful of the way Harley is portrayed when it comes to her sexuality?

Yeah. If you read the comics you know that Poison Ivy and Harley have an intimate relationship. In some comics they convey it as a friendship; in other comics you can see that they’re actually sexually involved as a couple. I’ve been trying to – I would love to have Poison Ivy thrown into the universe, because the Harley and Poison Ivy relationship is one of my favorite aspects of the comics, so I’m looking to explore that on screen.

Have you considered who you’d want as Poison Ivy?

You know what? I’ve thought about it a lot and there’s no one person who springs to mind. I’m pretty open-minded.

You have your own production company, Lucky Chap, which is committed to producing female-led films. How conscious are you of LGBTQ inclusion in the films and TV shows your company produces?

Our goal for the company has always been to tell female-driven content with as many female filmmakers as possible. As far as including content for the LGBTQ community, that’s a huge aspect. We make movies for audiences to love. A huge portion of the audience is a part of the LGBTQ community, so we obviously wanna make content for everyone. I don’t know if anyone could say that they don’t have someone close to them who isn’t a part of that community, so of course it’s important. It’s a part of everyone’s life; everyone’s gonna relate to those stories. We have a lot happening, actually, at the company, especially on the TV side. I’m not sure when they would actually be released – nothing’s been announced yet – but what I can say is, absolutely. We always wanna make stories for everyone.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/12/20/margot-robbie-talks-queen-elizabeth-drag-gay-brothers-popularity/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/181271531145

[hotspotsmagazine]

Margot Robbie Talks Queen Elizabeth Drag, Gay Brother’s Popularity

After a fierce, Oscar-nominated turn as scandalous skater Tonya Harding in 2017’s I, Tonya, Margot Robbie is off the ice and holding royal court as Queen Elizabeth I in Mary Queen of Scots. Exercising a power over Europe so great during the 16th century’s latter half, nothing could stop Her Majesty – not even her cousin, Mary Stuart (portrayed by Saoirse Ronan).

Their vicious and ultimately deadly contention, the result of Mary’s request to be Elizabeth’s heir, is chronicled with delicious matriarchal bite for the #MeToo era, glamorous period-film beauty (those gowns!) and one very infamous beheading in director Josie Rourke’s diverse doozy of a historical drama. Beau Willimon’s screenplay also turns a tender, heartbreaking eye to Elizabethan Era queerness via Italian courtier and Mary’s friend and private secretary, David Rizzio, known in the film simply as Rizzio and portrayed by Ismael Cruz Cordova.

Ruler of the box-office in films such as 2013’s The Wolf of Wall Street and 2016’s Suicide Squad, as hammer-wielding warrior Harley Quinn, a role she will reprise in 2020 for a Harley-centered spin-off, Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn), the 28-year-old Australian actress is a queen in her own right.

Read on for Robbie’s essential tips for drag queens looking to perfect their Elizabeth look (hint: no arsenic) – plus, talk about her “too gay to function” brother Cameron Robbie, whom she considers her best friend, and a career highlight: watching Martin Scorsese direct a gay orgy.

What tips do you have for drag queens looking to transform themselves into Queen Elizabeth I?

(Laughs) Well, you definitely want to avoid getting smallpox – you have to really layer on the makeup to hide those pox-mark scars! So avoid that at all costs. For a drag makeover, I could give you a list of what not to do: number one, don’t put lead and arsenic in your makeup the way Queen Elizabeth did because, uh, it really could shorten your life. And I love that she stuck to the red hair and went with the even more vibrant color red and the more elaborate hairstyles as the years progressed.

The contrast with the white makeup, it really worked on her.

Mmhmm! Serious contrasting. I mean, she had very thin eyebrows – I don’t think that’s really the style these days. Not really in vogue right now.

But if you really set yourself apart…

Exactly. If you wanna make it clear that you’re really heading toward Queen Elizabeth, yeah, the thin eyebrows are a definite giveaway. White makeup. Fiery red wigs. And just bedazzle yourself. Jewels everywhere!

They wore their jewelry in a different way. Instead of wearing necklaces and bracelets and earrings, which they did do, jewels and diamonds and rubies were sewn into their outfits, which I thought was really amazing. Then when they would get undressed – at the end of it their ladies in waiting would undress them – the jewels would just scatter to the floor and someone would have a dustpan and sweep them up for the next outfit.

When you read the script, were you surprised by the film’s queerness? And were you disappointed that Mary got a gay “sister” friend in Rizzio and you didn’t? 

Yes! I was very jealous of Mary’s plot in general. I think it was actually a big part of it, that Elizabeth was more isolated. I think that was kind of self-inflicted; she had such a mistrust in almost everyone around her and had a very cynical nature out of self-preservation, therefore she isolated herself. Even with the gowns, you see over the years, as they get bigger and bigger, she’s literally keeping people at arm’s length at all times. So, I was very jealous that I didn’t have the same (relationship) as Mary and Rizzio. So very unfair. (Laughs)

What about this time period were you most surprised by?

I was interested to kind of discover that the Renaissance period was much more liberal in terms of sexuality than it is today. It’s interesting to kind of consider that, or to recognize how we just put labels on everything today. We label everything, and in doing so we often simplify often-complicated things. We’re so quick to say, “This person’s straight, this person’s bisexual, this person’s gay, this person’s Republican, this person’s whatever,” and we label everything.

But in terms of sexuality, the Renaissance period, they were far more fluid about sexuality, and bisexual wasn’t really a term that had to be placed on someone – it was very common for men to be married and also sleep with other men. That wasn’t something that people felt the need to label.

So that was really interesting, and then on the flip side the women at the time, particularly female monarchs, literally were a body. That was their commodity. Producing a male heir was kind of their purpose and once they had done that and achieved their purpose they were kind of swept aside. So, it was interesting to see, on one side, how liberal and open sexuality could be at the time – but, on the other side, how women were seen as a commodity, and not more than a conduit for their male successor.

Shifting to your portrayal of Tonya Harding, did you know that you were playing someone who many in the LGBTQ community consider a queer icon?

I did not realize that at the time. I did hear that, and I thought, “Oh, she’s got some pretty fun skate costumes!” But tell me more about that.

It’s her underdog status.

Underdog status – I love that, yes. Well, as an Aussie, we always gravitate toward underdog stories, anyway, so yeah, that’s one of the reasons I played her.

Is being an underdog an Aussie thing?

Yeah, yeah. Always. The country identifies itself as an underdog itself and has that mentality of fighting for your place, so I love underdog stories.

You’ve long fought for LGBTQ underdogs. You were a staunch supporter of marriage equality before Australia finally legalized same-sex marriages. You even wore a “Say I Do Down Under” shirt when you hosted Saturday Night Live in 2016. December marks the one-year anniversary of that landmark ruling. How did you celebrate the legalization of same-sex marriage in Australia last year?

Honestly, I almost didn’t feel like celebrating because I was so upset that it took them that long to legalize it. I feel like when it was legalized across America that’s when I really wanted to celebrate. I thought, “Wow, this is a long way for America to come.” America, to me, holds such conservative Christian values, generally speaking, so for that to happen in America was like, “Wow, this is really a time to celebrate.”

Australia is awesome and can be so progressive, but the fact that we were so late in doing that upset me so deeply that I truly almost didn’t want to celebrate because I thought they didn’t deserve celebration.

Too little, too late, Australia?

(Laughs) Yes, too late, Australia! No, no; it was bittersweet. Of course I was happy and proud that we finally joined the 21st century in that regard, but at the same time, it was bittersweet. I really felt it should’ve been done a lot sooner.

You have a brother, Cameron, who has described himself on Instagram as “too gay to function.” Are you aware of the gay community’s interest in your brother?

No! But I’m sure he would love to hear that. He’s awesome. I have two brothers and a sister, but Cameron and I were particularly close growing up. He’s always been my best friend – since he was born, really. So, he would be thrilled to hear that. He would really appreciate that.

How did he come out to you?

Well, I guess that’s kind of his story to tell. I wouldn’t feel right to speak on his behalf. But like I said, he’s my best friend, as are all my siblings. I love them endlessly and always will.

Does he take you to gay bars?

I’ve been going to gay bars and clubs since I got my ID – and probably long before that! There was this fantastic gay club in Melbourne, so when I turned 18 – 18 is the legal drinking age in Australia – and while I was living in Melbourne we used to always go, because on a Saturday night they would do a musical drag performance. It was always incredible. I don’t know how they would get it together every week. I don’t know where they found the time or the costumes; they had the costumes put together, the musical art, the choreography. But every Saturday night we would go to this club and just have the best time ever. And I remember they did this one musical performance about Wicked and it was just the best thing you’ve ever seen. So, I’ve been going to gay clubs ever since I’ve legally been able to go to clubs. I always have more fun.

Those queens are gonna be very proud to see you as an actual queen.

Yes, I hope so!

Iconically, you walked in on a gay orgy dressed in Versace in The Wolf of Wall Street. Was that a first for you?

That was a first for me. I can’t say that I’ve walked in on any gay orgies in the past.

RELATED:

In a Versace outfit, no less.

In the most fabulous Versace outfit you’ve ever seen! I really wish that they got more screen time – I don’t think you ever get to see them – but they were incredible vintage Versace boots buckled all the way up to mid-calf.

Hate to break it to you, Margot, but I don’t think that scene was about your boots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don’t think anyone was looking at the boots. But to watch Martin Scorsese choreograph a gay orgy was truly a highlight of my career. He really approached it with as much professionalism and dedication as any other scene in the movie. I mean, a lot of the scenes are absolutely crazy with so much happening, but to see him sort of choreograph the gay orgy was truly a wonderful experience.

I had read that Scorsese even brought in another choreographer, Michael Arnold, to help organize the shoot.

Oh yeah! It was intricate. There was a lot going on. It was wonderful to be a part of it, though.

In August, DC Comics confirmed that Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are married, and in 2020, you will play Harley in her own movie. For Birds of Prey, are you mindful of the way Harley is portrayed when it comes to her sexuality?

Yeah. If you read the comics you know that Poison Ivy and Harley have an intimate relationship. In some comics they convey it as a friendship; in other comics you can see that they’re actually sexually involved as a couple. I’ve been trying to – I would love to have Poison Ivy thrown into the universe, because the Harley and Poison Ivy relationship is one of my favorite aspects of the comics, so I’m looking to explore that on screen.

Have you considered who you’d want as Poison Ivy?

You know what? I’ve thought about it a lot and there’s no one person who springs to mind. I’m pretty open-minded.

You have your own production company, Lucky Chap, which is committed to producing female-led films. How conscious are you of LGBTQ inclusion in the films and TV shows your company produces?

Our goal for the company has always been to tell female-driven content with as many female filmmakers as possible. As far as including content for the LGBTQ community, that’s a huge aspect. We make movies for audiences to love. A huge portion of the audience is a part of the LGBTQ community, so we obviously wanna make content for everyone. I don’t know if anyone could say that they don’t have someone close to them who isn’t a part of that community, so of course it’s important. It’s a part of everyone’s life; everyone’s gonna relate to those stories. We have a lot happening, actually, at the company, especially on the TV side. I’m not sure when they would actually be released – nothing’s been announced yet – but what I can say is, absolutely. We always wanna make stories for everyone.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/12/20/margot-robbie-talks-queen-elizabeth-drag-gay-brothers-popularity/