#also yes I am addicted to drawing those two cuddling

[clownsuu]

what if we cuddled and smushed our blue hair and pronounce pompadours together haha jk… unless?

also more random assortment of doodles cause brain currently full of jelly beans

cw obsessive/possessive behavior

MORE VAGUE LORE WOO YEAH WOO YEAH WOO YEAH

also every time I get normal howdy’s Ai to turn obsessive, he is always one: a master manipulator, two: “animalistic”, and three: likes collars.

yyyyyeah

I usually have to stop it there-

[fluffy-lee]

Peace and Love

Part 9 of the series Vacation

This is a TICKLE series

PLATONIC Avengers x reader

Warnings: none

Summary: The Avengers enjoy a relaxing day at the cabin. Y/n notices Steve seems a little off and hopes to cheer him up. 

You woke up bright and early, feeling extra happy today. How could you not be happy on a beautiful, sunny day on Vacation? You rolled over to see Nat peacefully sleeping, and you wanted her to wake up, but you knew better than to wake a sleeping Natasha, so you tiptoed to the bathroom and shut the door, and proceeded to get ready for the day. When you were all ready, you went downstairs to find only Wanda and Vision awake. They were cuddling on a sunny spot on the couch by the window. 

   “Good morning, Y/n.” Vision greeted. 

   “Good morning!” You grinned. 

   “Did you survive last night?” Wanda asked, a grin on her face. 

   “Barely.” You answered with a blush.

Wanda and Vis chuckled. 

  “Can I get you some coffee, Wanda?” You asked. “I’d offer you some, Vision, but…” 

Vision grinned and poked your side as you walked by, making you squeak. 

  “I’d love some!” Wanda said. 

  “The usual?” You asked. 

You knew just how Wanda liked her coffee. You were the Avengers’s “little barista,” as Tony called you. You knew what each of them liked for their coffee. Steve jokes that it’s the only reason they kept you. 

  You made Wanda her coffee, and had the idea that you’d wake your dad up for another canoe ride. You handed Wanda her coffee, and went up the stairs to Bucky, Steve, and Sam’s room. You knew if you woke them all up, there might be hell to pay, but just Bucky was safe. 

  You quietly entered the room to see only one out of the three was awake. Steve was propped up on his bed, sketching. He looked over at you with a soft smile, and wiggled his finger in a “come here” motion. You walked to him, trying your best to be quiet. 

  “You need something?” He whispered. 

  “I was gonna wake him up for a canoe ride.” You pointed at sleeping Bucky. 

  “Oh okay.” 

  “What are you drawing?”

Steve turned his sketch pad around to show you that he was drawing the view out the bedroom window. The mountains and trees. 

  “It’s beautiful!” You whispered. 

  “Thank you!” Steve mouthed. 

You turned and walked to the side of Bucky’s bed. You got nervous to wake him and looked at Steve who raised his eyebrows with a nervous smile. You bit your lip and gently shook him. He didn’t wake up. You shook him more aggressively and he finally woke up startled and furrowed his brows at you, 

  “What are you waking me up for?” He groaned. 

  “To go on the canoe?” 

Bucky stretched, and much to your surprise, snatched you up and brought you into bed to snuggle you. You giggled and snuggled into his chest. 

  “It would be nice, but I think I’m going to stay here all day and you’re stuck here with me.” He teased some more. 

You smirked and poked around his chest and neck, making him crack up a little. 

  “Okahahay off you!” Bucky protested, prying your hands off him and sitting up in the bed with you in his arms.  

  “Well I guess it’s time to wake up then!” Sam grumbled, getting up out of bed and stomping to the bathroom. 

You giggled and Sam heard. He slowly turned around while you shut your mouth nervously. He pointed at you warningly. You didn’t move a muscle. He carried on to the bathroom when he saw you got the message. You smiled up at Bucky and he chuckled. He stood up out of bed still holding you, and then set you down by the door. 

  “I’ll meet you downstairs in five minutes.” He smiled. 

You nodded and gave Steve a smile before you left, which Steve returned. 

…

 You and Bucky had an amazing time out on the lake. You enjoyed this one-on-one time with him. He told you stories about his past, before the war. You absolutely loved to hear his stories. You had loved getting to know him. Whenever you told him stories about your past, you noticed how it made him upset, so you mostly told him your happiest memories, many of which were with your mom. Those memories definitely made him happier than the others, but he still liked to hear them all, because he liked getting to know you. 

Bucky rowed the two of you back to shore, and you walked up the hill, side by side to the cabin. Steve was sitting out on the deck reading, and you threw your arms around his neck lovingly. You noticed he was a little quiet today, but you didn’t understand why. He looked at you with a soft grin. 

   “Pepper made cinnamon rolls.” Steve smirked. 

You gasped and ran inside, making him laugh. 

  “Y/n! Pepper made cinnamon rolls!” Peter shouted, holding up his cinnamon roll he was eating.

  “I heard!” 

 You got a cinnamon roll and climbed into the stool and sat next to Peter at the bar. 

Tony walked in and kissed Pepper on the cheek. 

  “Good morning, Rugrats.” He said to you and Peter. 

  “We’re not babies.” Peter grinned, rolling his eyes. 

You looked at them confused. You didn’t get the reference. 

  “So Tony, this new game came out today and I was wondering if I can buy it on the PlayStation?” Peter asked.

  “Sure kid! Today is a pretty chill day. We’re going to town for dinner tonight, but that’s all.” Tony answered.

  “Oh awesome! Thank you so much!” Peter exclaimed, finishing his cinnamon roll and patting your head before dashing to the front living room. It was a little more of a formal room, mostly everyone hung out in the family room, but Peter preferred this one because he didn’t want to hog the TV. He planned on playing the new game all day long. He had been waiting for it to come out for some time now. 

  The day wasn’t very eventful, but it was very relaxing. You sat out on the porch and talked with everyone (except Peter who was still inside) for several hours, before you, Thor, Nat, and Bucky decided to swim. Steve, Vision, and Wanda lounged by the pool to talk and watch you all swim. Pepper and Tony took the boat out and had a picnic. 

   After swimming, you showered and got ready for dinner. It was late afternoon and you were laying on the couch next to Peter watching him play his new game he was quite addicted to. After a while, Steve came in. 

  “Hey we’re about to leave. Tony sent me in here to get you guys.” Steve explained. 

  “Um I’m not really hungry. I think I’m just going to stay here.” Peter shrugged, eyes locked to the screen. 

You looked from the screen to Steve, who was looking at Peter. 

  “Tony told me you’d say that. Family dinner is mandatory.” Steve shrugged. 

  “Just tell him I’m busy. He’ll understand.” Peter said absentmindedly, fingers twiddling the controller. 

  “Well, he also told me that if you didn’t listen…” Steve trailed off. “I should do this.” 

Next thing you know, Steve tackled Peter on the couch, and began tickling his sides and belly. Peter laughed and shrieked, dropping the controller to the floor. He curled in on himself while Steve launched his hands to Peter’s extremely ticklish armpits. 

  “Does this change your mind, Queens?” Steve asked teasingly. 

You burst into jealous flames. 

   You hadn’t been tickled all day and you were in quite the mood to be, especially by Steve, who seemed a little distant today. Your face turned bright red and you wanted him to get you instead, even though you adored the sight. Squealing and flailing Peter was priceless. 

  “Okay Steve! Let him go. You don’t have to keep tickling him so much. He gets it.” You spat, arms crossed. 

Steve looked over at you, slowing his tickling on poor Peter, to make sure it was really YOU that was speaking to him in such a tone. He observed your expression and tilted his head at you. 

  “Looks like somebody is jealous.” Steve teased, meanly calling you out. 

You tried to hide your sheepish grin but it was impossible. 

Peter caught his breath and pushed the now distracted soldier off of him. 

  “I’m going to get ready now.” Peter panted, recovering from the unexpected tickle attack. 

  “You do that Peter.” Steve replied, not taking his eyes off of you. 

You held a throw pillow to your chest nervously. 

  “Why are you so jealous? I tickled you all the time!” Steve asked light-heartedly, rolling his eyes with a shrug.

  “I am not jealous! I was just looking out for Peter!” You lied miserably.

  “Oooh alright. I get it. Well, we aren’t leaving for another thirty minutes anyway… and I can do this all day.” Steve said, cracking his knuckles and strutting toward you. 

You knew what was coming and it was exactly what you wanted, but now you were very flustered and nervous and you felt like running away, but it was too late for that. Steve dragged you to the middle of the couch by your ankle and snatched the pillow away. You giggled and instinctively covered your torso. Steve looked down at you with a playful grin and went right for ribs. Your giggles didn’t hesitate and you squirmed around, both sides of your rib cage trapped between his large hands. You laughed so hard that your laughter turned silent, so Steve let you breathe. Steve wiggled his fingers above your belly. 

  “Do you want some more tickles, Y/n/n? Cause you’re my favorite person to tickle! Just tell me if you want more tickles and I’ll keep tickling you!” Steve teased ruthlessly, purposefully saying the word repeatedly to get at you. 

There’s no way you could just answer “yes” so, you tickled him back, making him chuckle. He quickly caught your wrists and pinned them above your head. 

  “I’ll take that as a yes!” He exclaimed before tickling your tummy.

You let out your famous belly laugh and Steve smiled ear to ear.

   “Ohohoho there’s that laugh! Tickle tickle tickle!”

   “STEHEHEHEVE! NOHOHO! Sohoho mean!” You cried, flusteredly. 

   “Aww, so all of a sudden you’re embarrassed? This is what you wanted, is it not?” Steve teased some more. 

You quickly covered your face with your hands. You didn't know what to do with yourself.

  "Don't hide from me!" Steve began as he tickled under your arms, causing you to shoot your arms down. "I can't see your cute wittle blushy face!" 

  You could not believe this was Steve talking to you right now. 

  “Why are you blushing? I’m just tick-tick-tickling you!” He said through gritted teeth, curling his fingers with each “tick.”  

You shook your head, the smile never leaving your lips. 

   “I have a question for you, Y/n/n.”

   “OHOHOHOH NOHOHOHO!”

   “Who is your favorite Avenger?” He asked, tickling gentler, but giving you a warning look. 

You giggled and actually thought about it, and then gave him a little smile. 

  “No answer? I’ll just get your feet then!” He declared, stopping the tickling on your neck and catching your flailing left ankle. “Beeetter answerrrr!” He wiggled his fingers above your foot. 

  “Iron MaaahaaHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHA!”

Steve scritched the arch of your foot and you lost it. He had an angry expression on his face after hearing such an answer. 

  “HOW DARE YOU?” He boomed. 

  “CAHAHAPTAIN AMERICAHAHAHA! PLEHEHEASE STAHAHAHP!” You cried through your laughter.

Steve quit and dropped your ankle only to grab the other foot with a smile. 

  “Look at this cute little foot! You have the cutest little feet!” He sang. 

You caught your breath from all the laughing and that flustered look on your face only got stronger. You knew Steve wasn’t done with you yet. 

You looked up at him, shyly covering your cheeks with your hands. 

  “They’re like miniature versions of Bucky’s feet! And just as ticklish!” Steve quipped, now tickling your right foot while you laughed and tried to kick, but Steve had you, so you had to just take it. When he got bored of tickling your foot, he leaned back a second and tapped his chin as if he was thinking. 

  “Who are you and what have you done with Steve?” You growled, jokingly.

Steve didn’t say anything. He just pursed his lips and widened his eyes at you for only a second. Uh-oh. This can’t be good. 

 His hands suddenly latched to your thighs, catching you by surprise, making you jump. Steve chuckled at that. 

  “AHAHAHAHAHAHA! STEHEHEVE NOHOHO FAHAHAIR!” You yelled through your laughter. 

Steve squeezed repeatedly, tickling the daylights out of you as you ineffectively thrashed. 

  “What’s not fair? I don’t get to tickle your thighs enough, THAT is what’s not fair!”

You gripped his wrists and tried to push him off. You just couldn’t stand how much it tickled. It felt like so long before he let go, and you barely had time to recover before he was kneading into your very sensitive hips. Super high-pitched giggles now came out of you, making Steve bark out a laugh. After a minute or so, Steve saw your cheeks were still very flushed, so he stopped his tickle attack. He laid the back of his hands on your cheeks, and chuckled when he felt they were warm. 

  “Are you okay?” He asked. 

You nodded with a smile. Your cheeks were hot from the flusteredness and the laughter. You really liked that feeling. 

 “You never fail to make me smile, Y/n.” Steve mused.

You sat up to look at him, who was now sitting next to you on the couch. He looked back at you with a soft smirk. 

  “What’s been on your mind today, Steve?” You asked seriously, even though you had just been wrecked. 

  “You know me so well…” He started, shaking his head. 

  “Of course I know you so well! You’re like, well I don’t know... a dad to me.” You explained. 

Steve was caught by surprise by your sentence. He tilted his head slightly and stuck out his bottom lip at you, as if to say awww and his eyes were filled with adoration, and a little bit of teasing. 

You looked down and played with your hands shyly. 

  “Bucky is my dad, and I absolutely love him, I don’t mean to downplay that at all-” You rambled, before being cut-off. 

  “I know what you mean.” Steve said sweetly, pulling you into a side hug. “You’re so sweet Y/n/n!” 

You looked up at him and he kissed your forehead. You were like a daughter to Steve, but he never thought of it that way. He never took the time to realize, because he was so focused on making sure you and Bucky could be together. He wanted Bucky to have his daughter, who would bring him hope and purpose again after 90 years of hell, and through all that fighting, Steve became so close with you and you two just bonded like no other, and finally, looking down at you now, Steve realized the very reason you two had this special relationship, was because you are his best friend in the world’s very flesh. It was so clear! How could he not realize that? All he ever knew is that he loved you very much.

   You looked at Steve’s face, oblivious to what he was so deep in thought about. Finally, he spoke. 

   “Y/n, I have just been missing my mom today. I had a dream about her last night, and I’ve been thinking about how she would love this place.” He sighed.

  “Oh…I’m sorry. I miss my momma too, a lot. She would’ve loved this place too. I would’ve loved to meet your mom, Steve.” You said, sorrowful. You weren’t quite sure what to say just then, but you knew how he felt. 

 Before Steve could say anything else, Tony called for everyone to head out for dinner. Steve gave you a soft smile as you both stood up from the couch. You walked alongside him down the hallway.

  “You know, Steve,” you started, halting in your steps. Steve did the same, looking down at you. “it’s such a good thing to miss your mother. It’s so good, even though it hurts. It means you love her that much.”

Steve sighed and smiled down at you. You had managed to really lift his spirits today. 

   “Thank you, Y/n… I love you.”

   “I know!” You quipped, lightening the mood.    

Steve snatched you up baby style, making you squeal, and tickled your belly all the way to the van. 

…

   “There they are!” Tony announced as Steve walked up with you to the van, still holding you and tickling you. “What did she do?” Tony giggled at your state. 

  “She was being trouble! Like always!” Steve teased. 

  “What’s new?” Vision smirked, walking up next to you. 

Your jaw dropped to the floor at that. 

  “Ihihi- I’m not troubl- well. More recently…” You admitted, referring to last week’s antics.

Steve and Tony raised their eyebrows at each other. 

  “Hah! Gimmie a piece, Cap!” Tony demanded, wanting to tickle you himself. 

Steve held you up for him. 

  “Nohohooho HAHAHAHAH!” 

Tony dug into your sides and blew a raspberry on your neck. 

  “Ihihihi don’t thihihink I can take much more.” You said, shaking your head when Tony let up. 

Steve chuckled and set you down in the van. You sat between him and Bucky. You slept on Bucky’s chest the whole way to the restaurant. 

…

  You were all sitting down eating at the restaurant, having conversations amongst each other. You sat between Nat and Bucky and across from Thor and Peter. You, Thor, and Peter were gushing, having a stupid conversation about “who would win in a fight? Blank or blank.”

  “Well, I was going to say we could have a fire tonight, but it looks like there’s a storm coming through the night.” Tony said, catching everyone’s attention. 

  “WOW. WAIT TO GO, THOR! WAY TO RUIN EVERYTHING!” You joked, making everyone laugh. 

  “Y/N Buchanan I will fight you in the middle of this restaurant, right here right now.” He threatened jokingly. 

You gave him a challenging smirk. 

  “Y/n, when we get back to the cabin, you need to show Thor that new move we’ve been working on.” Nat grinned. 

  “Good idea. I need to practice it anyway, might as well practice on a god.”

…

It had already started raining when you headed back to the cabin, and was pouring by the time you arrived. Everyone ran inside and you plopped back on the couch to watch Peter play his game, but with a crash of thunder and a flash of lightning, the power was out. It was getting darker by the minute and though Peter begged Tony to fix it, Tony claimed he couldn’t, not out here. Tony handed you and Peter each a flashlight. Pepper went around the cabin lighting candles. Steve, Bucky, and Sam sat in the front living room, and everyone else sat at the table, drinking tea. 

  “Remember that hide and seek game you two used to play?” Tony asked. 

Butterflies instantly rushed to your tummy. 

  “You mean Hide and Seek: Tickle Edition?” Peter asked, wiggling his fingers at you. 

  “Yes! That one! You two hide and whoever I find first…” Tony started, wiggling his fingers at the two of you. “Whoever is not found gets to be the seeker.” 

You thought it was so cute how THE Tony Stark was about to play Peter’s game with you. Peter showed you this game after you two started spending more time together. He said that his Uncle Ben used to play it with him.

  Tony faced the wall and began counting while you and Peter scurried off. You desperately looked for a good hiding spot and were running out of time, so you hid on the side of a nightstand in Peter and Thor’s room. It was not your best work, but you hoped he’d find Peter first. 

You looked up out the partially opened window and watched the rain fall through the trees, and listened, and smelled the air. It was like heaven. You took a deep breath, at peace. You loved your life, and you loved this place, and that’s when you felt the first twinge in your heart at the thought of leaving on Friday. Everyone would go back to their crazy lives, and who knows what could happen next. Aliens, androids, wizards? You just wanted to keep them all here forever. Safe, hidden in the mountains. You always wanted to protect them, even though they were the ones doing all the saving. You were brought out of your thoughts at the sound of Peter’s laughter. You won this round, so you stood up and walked to the sight of Peter being tickled to pieces by Tony on the hallway floor. 

  “You two better hide!” You smirked and began counting. 

You searched the cabin and soon found Tony hiding behind a door. 

  “Behind a door? Really Tony?” You teased. 

He sighed in defeat. 

  “Alright let’s get this over with.” He said, raising his hands in the air. 

You tickled Tony’s belly and he hunched over in laughter and you just pulled him into a hug. He tilted his head in surprise and hugged you back and kissed your head.  

   It was Peter’s turn to find you and you were quite nervous. You hid in you and Nat’s shower and it brought back so many memories of when you two used to play this game. Several minutes passed and Peter suddenly swung open the shower curtain, making you squeal. 

  “Mwuahahaha! I gotcha Y/n/n!” Peter laughed evilly, and threw you over his shoulder and carried you to the bed. 

  “Tickle time!” He teased and dropped you to the bed. 

He pried your arms away from your torso and immediately began tickling your tummy while you squealed and laughed. 

  “Ticky ticky ticky!” Peter said over and over while his fingers danced across your tummy, sides, and ribs. 

You threw your head back in laughter when he zeroed in on your belly button. 

  “Awww I forget you have such a ticklish lil belly button!” Peter giggled, and used the opportunity to blow raspberries on the front of your neck, a spot only he knew about. 

You squealed and laughed freely, the biggest smile on your face. 

  “Go hide!” Tony called from the other room, making you and Peter look at each other nervously, before running your separate ways. 

You hid under the table, gripping onto Thor’s calf. Turns out, this wasn’t the best spot because it didn’t take Tony long to find you at all. 

  “Get out from under there, Y/n!” Tony ordered. 

You obeyed, but made a run for it. Tony chased you down the hall and caught you. 

  “You just made it a thousand times worse for yourself. I hope you know that!” Tony chuckled and dropped you on the couch and didn’t hesitate to tickle your underarms while you laughed so hard your abs ached. 

  “This is what you get for running from me, you little cheater!” He teased, as his fingers danced down to your ribs and you squirmed and tossed around, so Tony straddled you and your laughter only increased. Next thing you knew, he placed his “claw” on the middle of your tummy and began shaking your tummy. This always tickled you so bad and your famous belly laughter found its way to your smile. Tony laughed along with you at that. He thought that was so cute. 

  “You are so cute, Y/n!” He complimented. “I’m gonna give you raspberries for that.”

Your eyes went wide and his lips met just above your belly button and he blew the fattest raspberries, making you squeal and your laughter went silent, which happened when something tickled you really bad. After several raspberries, Tony sat up and kissed your cheek and you both laughed. Then, the power came back on and everyone cheered. 

  “Y/n’s laughter brought the power back on!” Pepper teased and you blushed. 

Later in the evening, you, Nat, and Thor stood in the living room.

  “Alright, Y/n. Show him what I taught you! Use your legs, NOT your back.” She instructed. 

You ended up flipping Thor on the floor and his handsome laughter poured out of him. Everyone else who was watching cheered and clapped. 

  “Amazing, Y/n!” Steve praised. 

You smiled and bowed. 

Thor pulled you to the ground by surprise and laid you face up on his chest and held your arms above your head, and wrapped one of his legs around both of your legs. 

  “Natasha, if you’d like to tickle Y/n, now is your opportunity!” Thor said. 

  “NOHOHOHO! I’ve been tickled so much today! I can’t take any more!” You lied. 

  “Sure you can!” Nat teased, dancing her long nails all over your neck. 

You laughed for the millionth time today, but Nat’s tickles were different. Her long nails caused a ticklish sensation that Steve or Tony didn’t have. Their tickles were more rough, and hers were gentler, but still would drive you quite mad. 

  “Nahahat! Plehehehase! Nohohot my neheheck!” 

  “Tummy it is then!” She giggled, dancing her fingers on your belly under your shirt. 

You squealed and laughed while Thor held you in place. He was smiling ear to ear, and thought it would be funny to blow some raspberries on the back of your neck. 

   “These sides look luscious!” Nat teased, now moving to scribbling your sides. 

You fell between your belly laughter and silent laughter, which everyone found very amusing. 

Nat was now pinching your hips while Thor squeezed you in a hug and was rubbing his beard on your neck. You just giggled, because this didn’t tickle quite as badly as before, and you were quite loving being loved-on at the moment. 

   “Aww I bet Peter wants us to do that to him, Tony!” Steve sang, just to embarrass Peter. 

  “Absolutely not!” Peter said, red-faced. Truly, he wouldn’t mind, but it made him quite flustered being called out like that. 

Tony tackled him to the couch and Steve joined. Tony tickled the screaming Peter’s belly while Steve got his ribs, sending him to tickle hell. 

  “YEAH TICKLE HIM!” 

  “TICKLE HIM UNTIL HE CRIES!”

Bucky and Sam hollered.

You were finally set free by Nat and Thor, and you rolled off Thor onto the carpet, catching your breath, with that warm feeling in your tummy. You looked over to see the cuteness that was Peter being tickled, and this time, you weren’t jealous. You definitely had your fill for the day. 

…

When you were ready for bed, you knocked on Sam, Bucky, and Steve’s door. Steve opened the door, shirtless and in his blue flannel pajama pants. 

  “Heeey dorito!” You sassed.

Steve rolled his eyes with a smile. “What do you want?”

  “To see you guys, especially Dad.”

Bucky bumped Steve’s out of the way with his hip, making Steve cackle and run into the wall. You giggled at that. 

  “Come here, cutie!” Bucky said, swooping you up from under your arms and bringing you into the room, giving your kisses on your cheek. Sam was laying in his bed with his laptop and headphones in, but smiled at you. 

  “Can I sleep with you tonight?” You asked your dad. 

Bucky dropped you on his bed. 

  “Can she Steve?” Bucky asked. 

 “I don’t care.” Steve shrugged casually, standing outside the bathroom with his toothbrush in his mouth.  

  “Sleepover!” Bucky cheered. 

  “DID SOMEONE SAY SLEEPOVER?!” Peter yelled, rushing into the room. 

  “WOO HOO!” You cheered.

Bucky and Sam went wide-eyed. 

  “I CALL SLEEPING IN SAM’S BED!” Peter announced, jumping into an “angry” Sam’s bed. 

  “OH HEEEELL NO!” Sam yelled, kicking the giggling Peter out of his bed, while you, Bucky, and Steve clutched your bellies laughing. 

  “Nah I’m just messing with you. Thor and I are going to watch a movie.” Peter said. “I just came to say night night!” He ruffled your hair and you said goodnight to your best friend. 

  You snuggled up to your dad and he snuggled you back before turning out the light. 

  “Your feet are freezing, Y/n!” Bucky exclaimed in the dark. 

You giggled a funny giggle, which made Steve, who just walked out of the bathroom into the dark, giggle and now the two of you went back and forth giggling. 

  “I guess we’re not tired!” Bucky sighed, rolling his eyes.

Steve turned on a show and crawled into his bed. 

You soon fell asleep in Bucky’s arms. Steve and Bucky exchanged a smile. Steve turned off the TV, and soon everyone was asleep. 

[nagisa-shiota-worthy-shit]

Star Signs and Loving Gestures

Karmagisa week 2021 day 4 prompt: Stars AKA: stargazing date

wordcount: 1693 (may be posted to AO3 later)

----------------------------------

Karma had thought of pretty much everything. When he’d initially informed Nagisa of the stargazing date he’d planned, he figured it would be a mess like many of their dates ended up being. Something as simple and intimate as stargazing was something that didn’t come natural to Karma and Nagisa. Sure, they’d ended up cuddling together and watching the sky before, but it had been spontaneous, and not the entire date. 

Yet, there they were, laying down on a blanket on a small grass field, bodies as close to each other as was possible while still remaining comfortable. Karma had remembered to bring food and drinks, even being so responsible as to make one of those options fruit. Nagisa appreciated that. As nice as unhealthy snacks were, he was the kind of person to eat a lot of fruit just because he enjoyed it. Karma had made fun of him for that before. 

“Can you pass me a strawberry?” Karma asked, pointing towards a container just out of his reach. 

Nagisa handed it to him with a smile, “Being healthy?” 

“No,” Karma scoffed, “I brought nutella to dip it in. Literal heaven.” 

Yeah, that was just about what Nagisa expected. It wasn’t like Karma never ate fruit, when it came to strawberries he almost seemed addicted at times, but this wasn’t the time of day for his boyfriend to pull up the healthy options. Nights to Karma Akabane menat snacking and gaming time, where convenience went above health. 

It didn’t matter, just meant there was more fruit for Nagisa. And that’s what was most important. Karma had brought it for him. It was nice and considerate of him. He couldn’t help but feel just so happy in that moment, knowing how in love he was with his boyfriend and how much he loved him back, with a nice starry sky to decorate their evening. 

“It’s so pretty,” Nagisa sighed, unsure if it was just a thought or something he wanted Karma to know, “yet so simple looking at the same time.” 

It was a clear night, warm and comfortable, in the middle of the summer. The day had been terrible, but that was over now. The sun had taken the worst of the heat with it as it had gone down. Now, all was perfect. The star were visible, and Nagisa was comfortable in simple jeans and a t-shirt. He’d brought a jacket, still, just to be sure. 

“How cute and romantic would it have been if I looked up romantic stories written in the stars beforehand?” Karma asked, “In the constellations, I mean.” 

“But you didn’t?” 

“Hell no.” 

Nagisa shook his head, laughing ever so slightly. This was just about what he was used to from his boyfriend. Not that he minded, it was part of this very specific charm Nagisa had grown to love. Besides, he’d put in enough effort in planning the rest of the date. He could deal with no romantic stories in the stars. 

“I can tell you about zodiac star signs though.” Karma added. 

“What?” Nagisa looked confused, “Like when you’re born and stuff?” 

“Yeah, well,” Karma shrugged, “I can point some of them out in the sky, if you want.” 

It sounded interesting enough to Nagisa. He was a little surprised Karma had done enough stargazing to be able to find the zodiacs. Then again, he did say he could point out “some,” so perhaps he only knew a few. Nagisa wondered which ones he knew. 

So, he let Karma talk, point at the sky, and explain which signs were where. It was a little confusing at times. Nagisa recognized a few of them, although he was unable to locate them in the sky himself, but sometimes seeing the patterns in them was a little hard. When Karma was pointing out capricorn, his own birth sign, Nagisa was just full on confused.

“Am I supposed to see a goat in that?” He asked. 

“A sea goat, yes.” Karma nodded. The way he said it made it sound like he thought he’d said something logical. 

To Nagisa, it had been the furthest off from that. In what universe did the words “sea goat” make sense colloquially? Last Nagisa checked, goats didn’t live in the sea. 

“first of all, sea goats aren’t a thing,” Nagisa spoke matter of factly, “Second, that is a triangle.” 

Now, Karma shook his head. He rolled his eyes, a gesture Nagisa didn’t appreciate, and then returned looking his boyfriend in the eyes. The look in his eyes was as stupid as his gesture had been. He looked like he was patronizing Nagisa. Nagisa made sure to glare at him in response. That toned down Karma’s expression a little. 

“It’s a mythical thing, first of all,” Karma corrected him, “Secondly, it’s a little more abstract than that, wise guy.” 

Nagisa still didn’t see it, but he accepted the explanation for now. He wanted to ask what a sea goat was, but he did not want to be patronized again. So, he kept quiet, and looked back up at the stars. All he saw when looking at the capricorn sign was just a triangle. He wondered who ever made up these so-called drawings in the sky. Mentally, he made a note to do some research on it later. 

Because it was so late, he had gotten a little tired by that point. It wasn’t like he’d done too much during the day, but he still had been awake for a rather long time. The coziness of cuddling with Karma wasn’t helping that mood. Karma had such a nice and warm body temperature, like a large, personal heater for Nagisa. 

He cuddled up a little closer to Karma, resting his head on his shoulders, and grabbed ahold of Karma’s hand with his own. For a moment, time passed in silence, the two of them connected just like that, the sky full of stars watching them. Then, Karma spoke up and ruined what was once a beautiful moment. 

“ewl I just realized you’re a cancer.” 

Nagisa couldn’t have moved away from Karma faster, moving back so he could look his boyfriend in the eyes. Genuine disgust, that’s what he saw. He hadn’t started laughing yet. He’d better start laughing soon. Even if Nagisa didn’t think this was remotely funny, he sure as hell hoped Karma had intended it that way. 

“Excuse me?!” Nagisa looked appalled at his boyfriend. 

“Your zodiac,” Karma responded, still not laughing, “You’re a cancer.” 

The point was, Nagisa knew that. Of course he knew his own zodiac sign. And the problem… Well, the problem was that Karma was saying it like it was a bad thing. Nagisa didn’t think it was. He didn’t see how being a specific zodiac made him a better or a worse person. Karma, however, seemed very opinionated on it, and his opinion didn’t appear to be anything Nagisa would like. 

So, he just stared at him for a moment again, unsure what to say about the matter. Then, he shook his head in an attempt to organize his thoughts. He had to ask for more information. There was always a chance he was misinterpreting this. He’d better be misinterpreting it. 

“I know that,” Nagisa slowly said. “Now can you tell me why that would be disgusting?” 

Karma blinked. He pursed his lips as he scanned Nagisa’s face. Nagisa was sure the annoyance was clearly portrayed there. Whatever Karma was about to say next, it better be thought through very well. Karma seemed to understand that sentiment very well, considering he actually took the time to think about his words before answering the question. 

“Cancers are known for being moody and emotional,” Karma finally said, “You know, like, they take stuff very personal.” 

“I don’t do that.” 

“You’re… literally doing it right now.” 

Now, Nagisa was silenced for a moment. Surely he wasn’t making this about himself, Karma was. Karma had started by calling him out for being a cancer. Well, Nagisa himself had been the one to take the comment seriously. And, he himself had been the one to take the description to himself rather than just a stereotype Karma was explaining. 

No, that didn’t matter. What mattered was that he wasn’t like that. Anyone could be emotional, given the right circumstances. Just because he reacted with a lot of passion, and the moment happened to already be about him personally, didn’t mean he was giving in to stereotypes. A zodiac didn’t define Nagisa. 

“They’re also known for being gifted in understanding people’s feelings and thoughts, not too far off from your assassin skills.” 

Shit, so maybe Nagisa was a little bit typical for a cancer. 

“That stuff is nonsense,” Nagisa argued, “purely coincidental.” 

There was a silence, followed by the sound of Karma’s laugh. Nagisa didn’t understand what was funny. What he said had been pretty logical. Whatever star sign you were born in didn’t influence who you were as a person. Nagisa would stand by that argument. Why Karma’s response to that idea was to laugh, was something only Karma could really explain. 

“I never said I believed in it,” Karma simply said. 

“You sure acted like it,” Nagisa pouted once more, “Your sense of humour is bad.” 

Karma simply shrugged, and Nagisa figured he may as well drop the subject. At least now he knew Karma didn’t actually judge him for the day he was born. That would have been a weird argument to ruin a relationship with. He tried to release the issue with a deep sigh, and returned his eyes up to take in the wonders of the sky. 

Eventually, Karma forced himself closer to him again, once again taking back the hand Nagisa had ripped away moments earlier. Nagisa let him. He, too, wanted to go back to the more romantic mood they’d been having. Soon enough, he felt like they had gone back to that, and the previous conversation was merely a past joke. The comfort of hugging his boyfriend as they looked at a pretty view made everything much better. 

“For what it’s worth,” Karma whispered, “You’re my favourite cancer.” 

[ratsoh-writes]

My curiosity got me, so here is my submission for a match up.  Sorry it’s so long!  I look forward to seeing your reasoning.

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

MOM FRIEND:  I’m the friend that is almost over prepared for any situation and is protective, usually keeping others out of too much trouble or danger, but not stopping them from doing that stupid thing.  Some people will only learn from doing it and so long as it won’t seriously injure or kill them, go for it.  And I mean I am seriously prepared for most situations:  I have fluffy throw blankets and pillows in my car for those who get cold, extra towels just in case we somehow get wet, umbrellas/ponchos for those who need one, snacks/water just in case someone gets hungry/thirsty, first aid kit for small injuries, etc. Ironically, I am the only one without a kid so far.  

Extension of this would be my habit to act as the friend “nurse.”  Willing to spend hours taking care of a friend who isn’t feeling well and give platonic cuddles if needed.

Another extension of this is my need to feed anyone who comes over.  I think my love language is acts of service after typing all this. 

I’M LISTENING:  Always willing to offer an ear, even if I don’t believe I can council you.  Plus, for some reason, people just end up splurging life stories or something that is bothering them to me.  My life is mostly spent as that Naruto meme: “I have no clue what is going on, but I’ll pretend that I do.”  But I’m responsible about it, I won’t offer advice I’m not sure about and will usually refer you to someone else I feel is up to the task.

PATIENT:  Earned after years in customer service dealing with toddlers disguised as customers and also with friends who far exceed my energy levels.  It takes a good bit to anger me or very specific things to set me off, such as when I have asked you to please stop bringing up that stressful memory of mine again and again. 

I am told I am terrifying when I’m actually pissed.  Most times I don’t remember much when I actually snap, just that it happened, but details are fuzzy.  

CHILL:  My counselor once told me if I “Was any more laid back, I’d be on her floor.” And to a point, she is correct.  My house was on fire and my reaction wasn’t panic at the time, it was this odd calm that even when I reported the fire to my sister and authorities, they didn’t believe me until I showed them said fire.  I am reserved with those I don’t know well or are not comfortable around.  Once I trust you or you get me on a topic I love, I’m surprisingly passionate and animated.  

I feel this fits under here, but I also tend to do things at my own pace.  And not much can change that pace, but I will get what I set out to do done.

WHY ME?:  Too many people tell me I’m a natural leader, even got awards for it, but I never volunteer or want to be the leader in anything.  Usually, I just end up in that role somehow, some way.  Most times because I hate disorganized messes and those times the people I am with have trouble making concrete decisions and need some guidance to work out what they really want to do or the pressure to actually make a decision.  I may be an unwilling leader, but I will step up if needed.

WHIMSICAL:  Sarcasm, dry and sometimes cheesy humour, and an attitude to boot, but it’s rarely to be mean.  Most times it is me being playful and if I’m teasing you, that usually is a sign I like you and enjoy your company.  Plus, sometimes people need a little laugh or a spark of different emotion to get them out of a funk.  

INTEGRITY:  I could absolutely despise someone, but like hell I’m going watch them suffer.  In the same sense, if I take a job, I will do it right and not half ass it.  And far too many times I’ve had to step in and explain certain concepts in order to disperse negativity or help others see from another perspective to avoid adversity.  

CUDDLE BUG:  With people I am comfortable with, I am a cuddly person and do not mind a lot of skinship.  I am used to friends hanging all over me.  Plus, sometimes I just want to curl up someone as well.  

  STRENGTHS:  

Observant

Good communication skills & honest

Responsible & reliable

Full Size Human Heater.  I am ridiculously warm and always putting off heat.  Friends and coworkers alike use me as a portable heater.

Surprisingly good at being sly and collecting information if needed, like getting a shoe or ring size without tipping the person off it’s for a gift.  If they manage to call it, I always fess up and playfully make a fuss they ruined the surprise.

  WEAKNESSES:  

Terrible at lying, so I tend to simply keep my mouth shut instead

Willfully oblivious to flirting and absolute flustered mess once I am forced to recognize said flirting

Vast open waters terrify me

Tendency to keep my troubles to myself and try to solve problems on my own (don’t want to be a burden)

Can become despondent if I feel useless at times

  HOBBIES:

ART:  I’ve dabbled in several different medias, but my favorite is just a pencil or pen and any paper I can get my hands on.  I love drawing figures in dynamic poses.  Second favorite is sculptures built from wire.

COSTUMES:  I love Halloween, since it is the perfect excuse to make and wear my homemade costumes.  It also lets me challenge myself by making more complicated pieces like hooves, horns, and even chain mail.

BAKING/COOKING/CANDY MAKING:  I’m the cook in the house and I love it.  Seeing people enjoy my food is my favorite part.  Just don’t ask me for a recipe, I literally don’t have any and I won’t remember what I did.  

ORGANIZING/CLEANING:  I love puzzle games like Tetris and Catherine, and I love a challenge.  Combine the two by having me organize and rearrange a space to make it work and I am in heaven.

STORYTELLING:  When a story needs to be told, I am the one asked to tell it. Specifically I have such an entertaining way of telling it according to others.  Animated and colorful language, plus a few pit stops along the way with some side stories.  

  PET PEEVES:

CONTRARY:  Do not tell me to do something while I am doing it.  That will kill any motivation I had to do it.

BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS:  It is possible to compliment someone without insulting them or others at the same time.  It just makes the compliment feel empty and negative.  And I tend to just hum and not reward that behaviour.  

TOO MUCH ATTENTION:  I don’t mind attention… from people I trust and are comfortable with.  Feel free to cuddle and coddle away.  But vast amounts of attention from those I feel are strangers or acquaintances will unnerve me (I have literally left functions immediately  where I walked in and was bombarded with shouts and attention aimed at me-sensory overload I guess).

  ODD HABITS:

NESTING:  No, I don’t think I have enough blankets and pillows.  Yes, the giant stuffed animal is needed and his name is Snuffie.  

CRUSH ME:  I’m serious, some days I need one of my friends or my bf to just lay all their dead weight on top of me.  It’s just oddly therapeutic.

NO, I’M NOT PREGNANT:  Just cause I ate that jar of olives in one sitting or suddenly was craving jalapeno juice and crushed ramen noodles.  There are never enough pickles and yes, I am determined to try every kind–I may have a vinegar addiction.

IRONY:  I bake some of the tastiest, sweetest desserts and make pralines and caramels, YET I myself do not favor sweet things. 

HANDS:  One thing I tended to do with nearly every boyfriend and guy friend I had was play with their hands and put their hands on my face/head.  I lived for being pet and having people play with my hair.    

NONVERBAL MOMENTS:  Sometimes words are just too much, so I instead make sounds.  Can be anywhere from a growl to a cat like noise, or the reliable “Nyeh.”

NO NOs:

I think I listed a few as I went through everything else, but ignoring boundaries is the main one.  If I tell you I’m not comfortable with something, do not make me repeat myself.  And usually that something is given a pass the first few times it is done before I say something and explain why I’m not comfortable with it.   

Example:  I have thick, curly hair, a product of my mixed heritage.  Well, sometimes I like to straighten it and I did just that one day.  Well, a coworker decided to make a backhanded compliment, stating I should stick to what works: straight hair over my natural hair.  I had gotten on him about it, but I decided to vent to a friend about what happened as well.  She proceeded to constantly repeat those hurtful words and while I knew she meant it playfully during those times, I had to stop her and sit her down, explain I don’t find it funny cause the words are linked to a hurtful, possibly racist memory that I didn’t want brought up again and again.   Thankfully she understood and stopped.  So, I don’t snap immediately and I understand sometimes a sit down needs to be done.

Ok first of all I gotta say that I absolutely loved reading your matchup!!! It’s so well organized, detailed, and the descriptions are pretty creative!!! Do you do any writing yourself, because you should!!! alright, geek out moment over.

i’ve got three guys you’re perfect for, but let’s go for the obvious one. HONEY!! 

You’ve checked off everything on honey’s list: caring, organized, laid back, and good for cuddling. Now here’s what he has to offer to the table: he will cuddle you back. This guy is the ultimate cuddle slut. You’ll never feel unloved with him. Honey is also a very thoughtful and appreciative guy. He likes caring for his partners. You may be the mom friend, but he’ll do his best to return that love as well.

Honey is a little awkward, but he’s also sensitive and empathetic to how others feel. If he puts his foot in his mouth, just tell him and he’ll never bring it up again. Plus this guy is just so honest and genuine that backhanded compliments aren't really a thing with him. 

Also you like costumes!!! He’s always wanted to try cosplay or theatre. You just might be the person to give him the courage to finally stick to one. 

dating honey includes:

cuddles upon heaps of soft things. He has his own collections of ridiculously soft blankets and pillows that he’ll happily add to your collection. Honey is also a master at pillow forts. 

honey is a good listener. He’ll be happy to just sit back and enjoy the stories you tell. There is start though, who is also the storyteller of the underswap home. Any funny story you give about your time together will be rewarded by star with a funny story from his and honey’s childhood, much to honey’s embarrassment

if you don't really like sweet things but love baking them, then honey and star will happily finish them for you. People are usually surprised about how just how much skeleton monsters can pack away. 

he’s a picky eater and will give you the wtf face when you fufil your weird cravings though lol 

Oh! Also if you’re wondering, the other two would’ve been either oak or coffee

[cloudyobservations]

Mental Health #3

Since I just wrote the Life Thoughts #3 post and my mind is still circling around the physical needs of my mental health, I might as well type this up as well since I was planning to anyway.

Growing up, my family was not very physically affectionate. We didn’t hug often, I don’t remember cuddling up on the couch with my parents or siblings and, to be honest, we just weren’t really openly emotional and affectionate at all.

But for me, one of my “love languages” is physical interaction. Just something as simple as a hug can change my mood in an instant no matter who it is from.

However, I grew up in a house where that isn’t a thing. So I’m very independent and don’t always want any type of physical contact at all and don’t really know how to ask for it when I do. It creates a really weird imbalance in my life that often only gets corrected when I am flirting/dating/in some way being ‘romantically’ attached to someone.

Yet, at the same time, it’s not like just a small dose can make it all better and then I’ll calm back down when I’ve been without that interaction for a long time. I related it in my other post to being an addict and while I don’t think that’s truly an accurate comparison, I wasn’t sure how else to explain it there.

In my mind there is this meter, almost like a thermometer or some other type of temperature gauge that shows where I am within my internal balance.

You’ve got perfect zero right in the middle. It’s where I don’t need any more physical interaction and I don’t need less. I’m at the perfect medium in all my day to day interactions that I don’t feel the need to either hide from people or feel the need to try to seek people out.

Obviously, you’ve got a range - both up and down - where even if I’m not at that perfect zero, I’m in an acceptable average that I don’t notice either reaction in regards to needing more or less.

Then you have the two extremes. 

This is the part where it gets complicated. When within the acceptable range (let’s say -20 to 20 out of -50 to 50) a hug could mean just a plus 5 or 6 to the scale.

However, if I’m sitting below a -20, that hug might not count for a few points - it could be adding 10 or 15 points to my scale, starting to quickly tip me towards the overloaded end of the sensor.

There’s also the times where it’s been so long since I’ve felt actual affectionate physical interaction that I’ve passed craving it, pass the withdrawals, passed the the jittery needs and the gauge is broken because it’s sitting past -50.

That’s where I was at recently. At first I was registering the interaction, but the gauge wasn’t moving so it didn’t matter if I got more or not because I was so used to going without that my brain wasn’t reacting to it at first.

Now I’m at the point where my gauge is finally registering all the physical affection I’m getting and it’s struggling to even move at all as my brain is flooding my brain with happy feelings that the gauge hasn’t starting picking back up yet. I’m craving the interactions so that it will finally begin to push the needle back into the correct range where I can settle back down from this desperate need of affection to just a hug being all that I need.

The worst part of that, though, is that typically it’s one person who I am interacting with (yes, yes, a boy that I’m “romantically” with usually) that is the one - and typically only one - who is giving me the physical affection and so it’s the only person I can ask for more when I’m craving it.

Which then brings us back around to me looking needy and clingy. I have permission to reach out and touch this person. More often than not, I don’t, instead I start to reach out but then draw back because I’m afraid they don’t want me touching them, but that’s a whole different thing that will go under Relationships.

There’s also the risk of suddenly jumping to the opposite extreme where I don’t want anyone to touch me at all because I’m overwhelmed and my brain is throwing danger signals thinking that the person is using my need for affection against me by lulling me into a happy haze. (I never said my brain made sense, did I?)

I haven’t reached that part yet and I don’t honestly expect to at present, but I am struggling to let things happen at both our paces and not to just grab everything I need as quickly as I can to fill my meter back up before he decides not to let me anymore.

It’ll all even out soon enough. It’s just a matter of communication and being patient - for both of us.

Too bad I don’t do well with either of those.

[dixlov]

This is my first ever match up so I'm really nervous, but seeing how nice you are encouraged me so here I go :3

Personality

- extroverted

- I have an adventurous and curious nature

- very friendly

- open-minded

- I got a little lazy lately

- I know how to speak for myself and I mostly say what I'm thinking

-have been told I'm kind and that I always help people, but I feel weird saying it myself

- I act tough and confident in public ( like some sort of shield) but around people I know I'm always laughing and joking (I especially do and like dirty jokes) and acting cute 

- I have a diverse sense of humour

- rebelious at times

- I know when to give people space and when they actually need someone to talk to even though they deny it

- I like listening to people's thoughts and what's bothering them

- I am understanding ( I made a lot of people open up to me thanks to these 2 last skills)

In a relationship

- I like getting teased (especially in a perverse way)

- I enjoy skinship

- would want an affectionate, honest relationship, with a good balance between cuddling and sex

- would like him to confide in me when something's wrong

- I would enjoy a more dominant partener

Likes

- as food, meat and sweets

- I enjoy drawing, singing, writing and photography

- I love languages (though I started learing many, I didn't get too far with any)

- I love listening to music (quite an addict)

- I admire art

- I adore animals and worship nature

- I especially love the night (and am particularly interested in the moon)

Dislikes

- I am picky when it comes to food

- rudeness

- I hate to be given orders ( I might like it in a lewd way) excuse me

- narcissim (I barely tolerate it)

- strict people and people that only follow the rules

- people who grew up spoiled and think they are worth everything

I'll match you up with Subaru!

I think it could work well and that you two could complement each other. Yes, he is pretty harsh but I believe that he can soften if he is with someone kind, friendly and open minded. I think that he would also really like someone who is nice and kind but can also voice their thoughts and defend themself if it's neccessary. He's someone who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings at all so it would be good if he can have someone understanding and willing to listen by his side.

Relationship wise, you can expect teasing and definitely a balance between sex and cuddles. The bad side is that I don't think he's good with skinship, not because he doesn't like it (most likely he does) but because he's not used to it so it might be difficult at first but I think is just a matter of time. He can be a good partner, he pays attention to what you like and what you don't and other kind of details, the thing is that he will act like he doesn't care about those things. Even if he doesn't say it outloud he would love to see your photos and hear you sing.

That's it, I think it's a good match for you but since it's you if you didn't like it I can write a scenario or hc with your favorite character so let me know! ♡

[othernecessarythings]

81: Piercings you have?

only my ears

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

spening time with my favorite people on adventures

83: Favorite person to talk to:

my sister or my best friends

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

how the fuck does this thing work, what are tags and why can’t i see any dates

85: How many followers do you have?

not many

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

well yes? if my googling is right and a mile is about 1.6 km, then yeah, i run one km in like 5 min

87: Do your socks always match?

yes i can’t wear mismatched socks

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

yes

89: What are your birthstones?

?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

like a seal or something

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

hm the flower called förgätmigej in swedish, they’re small, blue and calm

92: A store you hate?

um like the swedish store tessie maybe

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

none

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

read minds

95: Do you like to wear camo?

no not my style

96: Winter or summer?

SUMMER omg

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

probably not that long

98: Least favorite person?

hmm i really can’t stand trump for example

99: Someone you look up to:

my friends, hayley williams and my parents

100: A store you love?

weekday maybe

101: Favorite type of shoes

sneakers, always

102: Where do you live?

sweden, love it

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

i prefer vegetarian food, but i eat anything

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

no clue

105: Do you drink milk?

not straight up, but like oboy and stuff like that yeah

106: Do you like bugs?

not really

107: Do you like spiders?

not really either

108: Something you get paranoid about?

getting caught by parents or police or similar lol, i’m living very dangerously in that aspect huh

109: Can you draw:

absolutely not

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

i’m not brave enough to ask too much, but i love to get to know people’s backgrounds, fears and dreams

111: A question you hate being asked?

“why are u so smart?” cause i know i’m smart, it sounds arrogant to just say it like that but i realize it’s true, but i don’t know why? it just happened? hm

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

nah we don’t have any bigger or dangerous ones here in sweden

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

i live for it, i actually walk to the sea (i live pretty close to it) quite often just to breathe and let the waves calm me down

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

always sunny days

115: Someone you'd like to kiss or cuddle right now:

hm i’d like to find someone i like first ig

116: Favorite cloud type:

fluffy, compact clouds on a clear blue sky

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

i’m content with it being blue, and every beautiful colour the sunset is

118: Do you have freckles?

no

119: Favorite thing about a person:

their mind i guess? what they find interesting and are passionate about

120: Fruits or vegetables?

depends, i like both (indecisive as always)

121: Something you want to do right now:

bathe in a warm ocean, feel the sun on my skin

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

the combo of them together beats everything

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sour

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim, it’s so much more comfortable

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

not really

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

how addictive it is, and how some people criticize everyone for small mistakes when they’re just trying their best to be inclusive,, like for example this is one of the most lgbtq+ accepting spaces of all times compared the general homophobia in the world, but there’s still those who complain when every post doesn’t include their very specific orientation

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

how addictive it is, it allows me to completely forget everything else and just have a good time in peace,, and how i don’t know any one here, no one is here to constantly judge me

128: What do you think about the least?

huh? what’s that?

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

oh um that’s a quite big decision but right now do i feel that this swedish lyrics would be very beautiful

”Låt oss gå upp på taket ikväll

Där vi kan se stjärnorna skimra

Låt oss gå upp på taket ihop

Där vi kan vara närmare himlen

Närmare himlen”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

trump or boris

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

um everything, i constantly doubt all of my traits and appearances but love them at the same time

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

usually not, so if i’m smiling with my teeth am i usually really, really happy

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

hm sometimes

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

motion, seasickness is never a problem for me

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

what?

137: Do you believe in karma?

no, but i still believe in acting good just because it’s right, not because you get any selfish profits from it

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

oh that definitely depends, i know i’m quite near the society’s definition of beauty standards, with body shape and face features and clothing style and everything but i still doubt myself a lot, but i’d like to see myself as a strong seven

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

none, my name hasn’t got any natural nicknames and i’ve never needed a nickname until recently when i’ve got a friend with the same name as me,, but she’s got a nickname so it’s okay

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

no i wasn’t a creative kid at all lol

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

sigh once secretly, but it didn’t go that well and i’ve never done it since

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

oof really depends on who, but hopefully good?

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

hm depends on how good the present i’m giving is

144: What makes you angry

not much really, i’m not an angry type

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

kinda two? i mean i’m fluent in swedish of course, and i’m quite close to being fluent in english too.. and i must include some rather bad german skills too lol

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

honestly i don’t have a clue right now, but i’m probably bi? aah but idk maybe i’m just straight, how would i know, but rn am i comfortable in being bi and further explore what my sexuality is

147: Are you androgynous?

not really, i’m kinda stereotypically female i guess

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

hm my legs be kinda cute tho

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

no don’t make me choose this i don’t know and i’m insecure about it

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

anyone? um hayley williams, tyler joseph and my grandpa who’s passed away

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

no i’m content in our era, but either the early 2000’s to fully live my emo life, or the swedish 50’s when my grandparents grew up, they always tell me such beautiful stories from their childhoods and teenage years (i am aware about the problematics with all eras, and 50’s being lots of racism and much more, but i’d like to believe that if i were able to grow up the same way my grandparents did here in sweden, would life been pretty great anyways)

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

okay hear me out i don’t know if buzzfeed is i thing in sweden? i’ve never heard anyone mention it, i have a vague idea of what it is but i don’t really know? so i guess not

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

hah i wish

154: Do you like to kiss others' foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

no i’m not a touchy friend, i’m more like a shower u with kind words instead friend

155: Do you like to play with others' hair?

no i feel like i intrude on their privacy somehow

156: What embarrasses you?

hm i don’t really know, i tend to avoid any situation that might make me feel embarrassed

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

the concept of this (my teenage years) being the absolute best years of my life and that i have to achieve so much rn,, and media isn’t really helping me with that, i’m constantly forced to watch how great lives everyone else lives on social media and stuff,,, and i know my life is actually really interesting and good, but i’m anxious about my time running out anyways

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

hm basic but “i’m fine” i guess

159: How many people are you following?/160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? /161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?/162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

not many on either of them

163: Last time you cried and why:

ah i don’t cry (which is a problem and i’m trying to loosen up my grip on my emotions but it’s hard) honestly i don’t remember the last time i really sobbed? i’ve cried a tear or two sometimes, usually over books, but i’m unfortunately not a crying type

164: Do you have long or short hair?

i had long hair until like yesterday! rn is it to my shoulders, which still is kinda long i guess, but short for me

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

idk quite long

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

oh interesting topic, here’s my view on it; religion is a good idea, but we’re using it wrong. it is about spreading love and finding answers to the greater questions in life, to respect one and each other and finding a place and purpose in our world, which is beautiful right? unfortunately are many people and fucking leaders using it for their own profit, to spread hate or fear, which is completely wrong and not at all what it is about. worth mentioning that in sweden, particularly in the bigger cities, isn’t religion a big thing. no one i know is devoted religious? neither am i, but i still choose to believe in the good parts of christianity, about love and acceptance

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

ye i’m a science nerd i would love to know how it was made from a scientific point of view, bc i firmly believe that it’s the big bang and not some god who randomly chose to make us lol

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

yes, a little everyday makeup, and bright, colorful and creative looks for events

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

against a wall, probably yes, but without? hah no

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

i think so, the knowledge that no one else is going to read this but me makes me feel quite secure in answering truthfully

that’s it! wow i made it through all of them, just for the record it’s the 23:d february 2020 today, nice, goodbye

[get-something-to-write]

Prompt from bullet anon(?): “ Prompt 152 for your favorite Hamilton ship? ”-          “ Stop texting me weird stuff so late at night. “

( what a relatable prompt )

A/N: I wouldn’t say this is my absolute favorite ( that title belongs to Marliza! ), but is my guilty pleasure ship. Heh.( BWAHAHA I IS A REBEL ) Maria’s texting name is Angelica’s contact name for Maria and vice versa, to show how much those suckers are in love.

Maria: 19, freelance artist who quit college, basically what you’d expect a full time artist to do on Tumblr

Angelica: 22, majoring in PoliSci and Journalism, interns under George Washington

3rd POV omniscient 

Warnings: nothing, at least this time, except for poor editing ( I'm too cheap for a beta :P)

Ping! Ping!

Angelica stared at her phone, watching text notifications blink across her screen in a rapid succession. She was waiting for a makeup tutorial on YouTube to load already, so she tapped on the notifications to see what Maria Lewis was sending her.

Maria <3: so ive been working on some art commissions

Maria <3: and this weird thing came to me

Maria <3: if mammals have hair and create milk

Maria <3: therefore

Maria <3: that means that the coconut in my kitchen

Maria <3: is a mammal

Maria <3: u get it right?

Even without any presence nearby to react to such a thing, Angelica let out an exasperated sigh and glared at her dimly-lit screen. Of course Maria was sending her weird shit at 1 am in the morning, because what sane person would? Although, she was heads-over-heels for the artistic girl, so she only half-joked about being irritated by the texting.

Angel the Angelic: y the heck r u sending me this

Angel the Angelic: also that’s not how it works

Angel the Angelic: besides, its super l8

Angel the Angelic: get to sleep so u can wake up 4 ur job

Maria <3: nah I don't have work today

Angel the Angelic: ugh can’t ur commissions wait 4 morning

Maria <3: it is an unspoken rule to never interrupt a writer or artist at work ;)

Angel the Angelic: k fine, but I'm sleeping now

Maria <3: gn then, or good morning actually

Angel the Angelic: please go to sleep

Angelica Schuyler barged into the living room of Maria Lewis’s apartment, with the latter wearing only underwear and an oversized hoodie. It hardly affected the taller woman much, since she was commonly seen in her apartment. After all, Angelica did have the spare keys.

However usual it was to have her in Maria’s place, Maria herself was becoming redder by the second as she was being caught wearing, well, not much. By her undying crush, Angelica Schuyler.

“ Stop texting me weird stuff so late at night, “ she said, plopping down on the couch after a day of working at her journalism/political science internship.

“ Eh, benefits of being a decent artist and not having to go through college. “

“ I don’t really get how you don’t stress out about not having a major. Lucky you, I suppose. “

“ College isn’t for everyone Angelica. “ Maria brought out some chai tea and granola bars that the older woman apparently was addicted to. Angelica studied Maria, making a show of flashing her eyes up and down. Feeling very numb inside from running around doing errands for the higher-ups all day, she spaced out and glared at the ceiling, attempting to count the amount of times the fan was spinning to distract herself from the fatigue and Maria’s body leaning on her side.

“ Hello? Ang? You want a bar or not? I’m gonna eat it if you don't want one...” Maria chuckled. Registering her words, she became a little crimson at the cute nickname and her teasing voice.

“ Oh no, you wouldn’t dare do that.”

“ Oh yes I would, just to spite you.” Growling, Angelica pounced on Maria, struggling to steal the beloved granola bar from her hand. She snickered, throwing the snack across the living room. During the process, Lewis had been pinned to the couch and was blushing furiously, although Angelica mistakened it for raucous laughter.

The normally serious woman sitting on Maria’s knees had crossed her arms, looking perpetually annoyed.

“ Ugh, now I have to get it. Thanks a lot Maria Lewis. “

“ You are very welcome my lady. “

Huffing, Angelica awkwardly scrambled off the younger girl to snatch the granola bar. She gazed at Maria’s face, which was red as a tomato. It was easy for her to read most people, but she was always confused by Maria

Maria was a fairly good actress, able to mask her emotions if needed, but never did around Angelica. Perhaps there was a chance that they mutually loved each other after all.

“ Well, while you enjoy your snack, I'll go back to working on my stuff. And tell me when you leave, ‘kay?” Angelica merely nodded, chewing through the granola bar while flipping through all the assignments from class. There was also a minor article from her internship, but it wasn't much. She contemplated staying over at Maria’s, since she was feeling too lazy to go to her shared apartment with her siblings.

After finishing her bar ( and went to the kitchen for more ), she was curious about what Maria was creating this time around. Angelica always loved looking at people's hard work, especially Maria’s. She was always quite amazed by the younger girl’s art.

“ Hey Maria! Uh, may I see what you are doing?” Angelica hollered, somewhat politely.

“ Actually, I'm just putting on some pants. Kind of indecent to not be wearing some when there's someone in your home, ya know?” Huh, that's pretty strange. She's been acting weirder and weirder, why would she refer to me as a stranger in the apartment?

“ Well, I would like to see what you’re drawing or painting or whatever. “

“ Eh, I’m the lineart pieces right now. And, you can come in now.”

Angelica stepped inside the only bedroom in the apartment, smiling to herself as she viewed the minimalist room, with the exception of the art desk that contained  an organized clutter of cabinets labeled with the specific kinds of supplies. There were two watercolors drying on the wall, and the desk itself contained some sketched papers and few of what Maria was currently working on.

The drawing tablet and laptop were sitting on her bed because of the little space on her work area. Angelica wanted to aid her artistic friend more, maybe upgrade the apartment or endorse her art so she could have better luxuries. Angelica knew better than to ask so; Maria Lewis was a proud girl and was used to striking it out on her own.

She placed her arms gently on Maria’s shoulders, loosely hugging her neck as Angelica perched her chin on her head. Her hair was oh-so-soft. She twirled a strand with her fingers, absentmindedly playing the curly hair as she peered at Maria’s hand sketching out a majestic griffin. 

Angelica sniffed her hair, taking in the intoxicating scent. She didn't notice how Maria had stopped drawing and stared deeply into the paper.

“ Hey Angelica? You're kinda distracting me a little, uh, are you sniffing my hair?” No response, solely because Angelica had leaned her body weight against Maria and was slowly drifting out of consciousness. 

Angelica mumbled something, most likely about the younger girl to continue drawing, but Maria was having none of that. If the Angelica Schuyler was tired from staying up real late and doing her college stuff, she would push her into the closest bed. Okay maybe that sounded weird.

The Schuyler observed Maria as the artist sighed, swept her papers and pencils aside and considerately made sure Angelica didn’t stumble onto the floor as Lewis stood up from her swivel chair. Maria gently dragged her over to her mess of blankets and pillows.

“ Honestly, you should take a nap. Or stay over for the night, you can't go anywhere if you’re gonna fall asleep standing up. Actually, whether you like it or not you’re sleeping over for the night. I’ll text your sisters. You’re probably asleep by now, I should stop rambling to myself.” Angelica was truly unconscious by now, surely. Maria half-ran to her living room to snag her phone.

During that time, Angelica had internally realized where her body was laying and  the simple smell of someone she recognized and loved dearly. She snapped her eyes open, mildly confused that she wasn't gazing over Maria’s shoulders.

She was actually relaxing in bed, Maria’s bed for the matter. A thin blanket covering most of her body. Its scent consisted of lavender and ink, an odd combination but nonetheless pleasing to Angelica’s nose.

Angelica squawked a little as Maria strolled back into the room and they stared each other awkwardly as she inched towards Angelica. The silence was practically sexual tension to any outsider had there been one there.

“ Would you want to sleep with me?” Angelica blurted out before cringing to herself. Way to creep out one of your best friends, Angelica.

The other looked just as surprised. Maria looked down at the floor as she slowly slipped into bed. In another impulsive movement, Angelica grabbed her arm and swiftly pulled her down, instinctively shifting around so Maria was comfortably settled on her side while facing her.

Both of them were glowing crimson, mere inches apart. Angelica was quite perplexed as to why she was feeling so ruffled by this. It wasn’t as if they had never made contact before. But those has been innocent hugs and cuddles during group sleepovers, perhaps watching sappy or horror movies.

Maria flipped over, desperate to not stare into those curious brown eyes. Her thoughts glazed over how it was impossible that the wonderful and confident Angelica Schuyler could possibly love her back. She nearly dismissed this situation as a thing that Angelica did when she was fatigued when a pair of arms warmly hugged her sides.

Holy shit is she actually cuddling me in my bed? What the hell is happening? Maria’’s face grew even redder, and had not gone unnoticed by Angelica who had very keen senses. Angelica used one hand to turn Maria’s head over.

“ Goodnight, and I love you too.” Coming to a decision that Maria indeed liked her back, based on her reactions, prompted Angelica to duck her head under Maria’s chin and lightly kissed her neck, her tongue poking through her teeth.

She smiled at Maria’s shock and sudden gasp before cuddling her even tighter, limbs wrapping Maria like a pillow. Angelica felt the tension on her fall before Maria calmed down, even pressing herself against Angelica a bit. Eventually, they peacefully slept fro the rest of the day and night.

For once, neither of them regretted staying up past one.

Hey there! This, as usual, got out of hand and I did not expect myself tone writing so much for this one. Hope you enjoyed this, leave a note or two, and send me requests! Rules on are on my bio. 

( you can find my fanfics under the crimson-writer tag )

[a-confused-turtle]

Hogging the Covers

Fandom: Supernatural

Summary:  Y/N’s known Sam for forever. But, when the start snuggling up in the hotel rooms, something changes, something that’s been staring Y/N in the face all along.

Words: 2,900+

Paring/Characters: SamWinchesterxSinger!Reader, Dean, Bobby

Warning: None?

Author’s Note: I guess I just love writing cuddles. This isn’t my best, not that my best is very good. But, I thought it was a cute idea. Idk fam *covers face with hands* byeeeee

The bed had to be made of rocks. You couldn’t get comfortable. Out of all the crappy motels you’d stayed at, all the dingy, sketchy rooms this one was just the worst. And you couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t any different than the other ones. Two beds, one tiny bathroom, one table, a couple chairs, a strange sort of smell. Completely standard.

Maybe it was the adrenaline after the hunt? Maybe it was the man next to you, stealing the blankets every chance he got? Maybe you were just going crazy? All plausible options. Despite all that and your nightmares, you usually made it through the night though, or at least got more sleep than you were at that moment.

So, as you tossed and turned, grumbling to yourself and sighing, you didn’t notice that Sam, lying next to you, was still awake. It had been his turn to share with you for the night and Dean was happily slumbering in the other bed, based on his snoring…

“You alright there?” He whispered quietly, still laying on his back.

Your eyes flicked open, to stare at the ceiling as you also settled on your back, though unhappily. “Yeah,” you sighed and frowned at the dark abyss of a tiny room.

He rolled onto his side, so he could see you before replying sassily, “That’s very convincing.” The corners of his mouth perked up into a small smirk as his comforting, brown eyes found yours.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” you replied, turning a little to look back at him. Sam was your best friend, so you couldn’t help smiling back. “Go back to sleep Sammy,” you murmured, thankful you were sharing with him tonight. He always made things seem okay, helped you forget about what was really going on out in the world.

“You didn’t wake me, Dean’s the one snoring over there,” he joked.

You chuckled, completely oblivious to the light that flickered through his eyes as the sweet sound left your lips. “That’s why he’s always the worst to share with,” you added, “And he hogs the covers.”

He chuckled back, lips curling into a gentle smile. “You know you kind of hog the covers too.”

“I do not,” you shot back, rolling your eyes dramatically and punching him in the arm playfully. You even went as far as to mess up his hair, which somehow only made him grin more.

“Yes, you do,” he replied, reaching out to hold off further assaults. Your hands connected and he held onto yours, letting them fall onto the bed in between the two of you.

“Yeah, well, you hog the bed, because you’re a giant moose…” You buried your face in the pillow with a small laugh, mainly at yourself, your word choice, and your usual ridiculousness… Sure, Sam was a giant goofball, but he was the best person you’d ever met. He’d gone through so much and still kept fighting everyday. He still put everyone else’s problems above his own. Even though he’d experienced more pain than you could ever imagine, he was still there when you’d had a rough hunt, when everything felt horrible, and even when you couldn’t sleep. He was strong but soft, if that made any sense at all. Which, really didn’t, how could he still be so goofy and hopeful when he’d seen so much, felt so much?

“Hey! I thought you said Dean was the worst to sleep with!” He laughed, raising his voice above a whisper and poking at you while you hid.

“Well, yeah. He is.”

“And doesn’t that make me the best?”

You snorted at the tone in his voice, head still hidden by your hair and the pillow. “You’re a dork.”

You knew he smiled at your response, especially when he brushed a strand of hair behind your ear ever so gently.

The unexpected contact made you peek up at him. His warmth was intoxicating and beyond inviting, not to mention his scent. Like you always did when he was near, you felt unbelievably safe, like you had your own little bubble, just you and Sam with Dean snoring on the other side of the room, nothing else.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he murmured, eyes flitting quickly away from yours and back as he grinned sweetly.

Without saying a word, you did something that even surprised yourself. You curled into Sam, pressing your body closer to his and nestling your head into his chest. Surely he could feel the heat in your cheeks after you realized what you’d done… But why the hell were you blushing? This was Sam, your best friend. He wasn’t supposed to make you blush.

His arms wrapped around you naturally, like he’d done it a hundred times, like you belonged there.

You sighed involuntarily and your eyes fell shut. Maybe you’d get some sleep after all… That only made your cheeks flush more and you bit your tongue as you attempted to figure out what the hell you were feeling and thinking. Seriously, what was happening?

“Yeah, I’m definitely the best,” he whispered and tilted his head down to peck the top of your head, drawing you closer.

“Shhhhh,” you mumbled back, not even bothering to open your eyes, “I’m sleeping Sammy.”

 ~

“Guys, boundaries,” Dean practically shouted, effectively tearing you out of your peaceful sleep.

You sat up with a start, ready to take on whatever was happening, only to realize an arm was curled around your waist. Sam’s arm, with Sam looking just as groggy and confused as you.

“What?” You both mumbled, not quite registering the situation.

Dean just shook his head and made his way to the bathroom, grumbling, “We need to start getting two rooms.”

With a groan, you scrunched your eyes closed. What a rude awakening. What was he even talking about?

That was when it hit you, right out of nowhere. Sam’s arm around you. His body pressed to yours.

Sam groaned too, forcing himself to sit up. “I’ll beat him up later.” His voice was husky almost, scratchy with sleepiness.

“I’ll help,” you replied while making your best attempt to blink yourself awake. “Since when is he the first one to wake up?” Maybe if you moved your eyelids enough your eyes would stay open, even though all you wanted to do was lay back down and snuggle up to Sam again… Wait… What?

“Y/N… Um, this was nice…” He actually looked nervous, a little color creeping into his cheeks.

Yours grew red too with butterflies fluttering in your stomach. “Yeah, it was Sam,” you whispered and smiled.

 ~

After that night things went on like normal, except you couldn’t shake this new feeling about Sam. The two of you cuddled practically every night on the road, like it was nothing, but you knew something else was stirring in you. It was different, you were having these fluttering, school-girl emotions over a man you’d known practically your whole life.

And Dean had never said another word about it after that morning, like you all had some new, unspoken agreement.

No matter how much that and your stupid emotions concerned you, you couldn’t help looking forward to cuddling with Sam. The two of you almost became dependent, even addicted to the closeness. Nothing could touch either of you in each other’s arms. For the briefest, fleeting moments you felt whole and safe, and, most of all, loved.

 ~

You had no idea you’d been screaming when you woke. You thought you’d tried to scream, to wake yourself up, but it hadn’t worked. No one heard you. Except, Sam had.

He held you close, gently speaking as you whimpered, still terrified beyond belief. The nightmares…

“Y/N, it’s okay… shhh… I’m right here,” he whispered tenderly and cupped your cheek, “I got you. Nothing’s going to happen. You’re safe.”

“Sam,” you sobbed, your whole body practically shaking.

His hands took your cheeks, gingerly forcing you to look at him. The worry and light behind his eyes got you to breath easier. This was real. The dream hadn’t been. “You’re safe, Y/N. I’ve got you,” he repeated, “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

Tears still squeezed out of your eyes, but you stopped shaking and Sam laid down next to you. With him beside you, you felt safe, protected. His warmth, his scent they almost made you forget about it all. Almost.

 ~

“You alright?” Your father asked before you’d even sat down at the breakfast table.

You gave him a once over, before replying. Clearly he was concerned or did he always look that tired? “I’m fine, dad,” you assured him with a roll of you eyes, “I talk to you on the phone every other day.”

“That’s not what I’m talkin’ about now is it?” He threw the sass right back at you as he ate his eggs.

“Then what the hell are you talking about Bobby,” you shot back, serving up your own plate. It was good you’d made it to the table before Sam and Dean, they hadn’t taken all the food yet.

You had to stifle a giggle as he glared over at you.

“Damn, I’m sorry, Mr. Singer,” you continued, smirking. His real name and cursing. Those were dad’s favorite things to come out of your mouth.

“Woah there, watch your mouth, Y/N,” Dean said as he strode into the kitchen and snagged a piece of bacon off your plate.

You swatted him away with a warning glance. “Like you’re the one who should be telling me that.”

“Well. I am offended.”

Bobby just sighed. “Stop being idjits. Y/N?”

Your glanced returned to him at the sound of your name. “What?”

“Jesus, you know damn well what.”

“Dad, now you need to watch your mouth. And no I sure as hell don’t.”

Dean held in a chuckle as you two went back and forth.

“Your nightmares?”

“What about them?” You knew what he was asking, if you’d still been having them, but you didn’t want to answer. He should’ve known you didn’t want to talk about them. And, of course, waking up next to Sam, his limbs intimately holding your body, had you feeling some type of way… No way could you talk to your father or Dean about that, especially when you couldn’t even admit to yourself that you’d fallen for your best friend…

“I believe he’s referring to last night’s incident, Y/N,” Dean chimed in as he sat down at the table, all the smugness in the world filling his expression.

Normally you were a decent liar, you had to be for the job, but in that moment, you couldn’t have lied to them about your favorite color… “Yes, I had a nightmare last night, but Sam helped me calm down.”

Your father raised an eyebrow, not caught off guard or impressed by the information. Clearly, he knew already and just wanted you to say it. Dean’s smirk grew while he remained silent.

“You said you weren’t having nightmares the past few weeks.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and dad was testing you.

You nodded and looked away, suddenly not the least bit hungry.

Then, he finally asked, what he’d been dancing around, “He’s still in your room isn’t he? Is there something I should about? Between you and Sam?” His eyes watched your every move, you swore he could read you mind the way he examined your reaction. Dean too.

“Don’t be ridiculous… It’s Sam,” you sputtered, cheeks flushing a deep red.

“Exactly,” Dean chimed in, “It’s Sam.”

“Sure is,” another voice, that almost gave you a heart attack said. He was just strolling into the kitchen as Dean had said it. “What about me?”

“Talking bout who’s getting on chores this morning,” Bobby explained, though the way he looked at you… He knew you’d finally figured it out.

You were in love with Sam. Sam Winchester. The boy who’d you spent your summers with when you were little. The boy who’d treated you like family his whole life. The man who’d been there for you through everything. The man who’d saved your life in so many ways he didn’t even know about.

The shock, made you freeze. Your heart might’ve even stopped… Exactly? What was that supposed to mean?

 ~

Three in the morning. There you were, shuffling down the hall of Bobby’s house. It was the second night there, the first being rampant with nightmares, well, until Sam…

You stopped in front of his door, hesitating. The whole night you’d been quietly tip toeing down to his room and back to yours. This was the fourth attempt, maybe? You’d lost count.

Biting your lip as you raised your hand to knock, you chickened out again, lowering your hand and staring dumbly at the door. Somehow, you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Everything felt… different… Your heart thumped in your chest, begging you to go back, yet you justified your presence there with the prospect of another nightmare. When you slept with Sam you didn’t have them, that was all. No, next to, not with.

Fuck. How could he, an adonis of a man, feel anything in the ballpark of what you felt for someone like you?

Before you made a decision, the door creaked open, making you jump.

“Y/N?” Sam asked curiously.

It took you a moment to recover, especially with him standing before you only in sweatpants. “Um… Uh, hi,” you mumbled awkwardly.

“Did you have another nightmare?” Concern invaded those blindingly beautiful eyes of his.

“Oh, no. I didn’t… I just…”

Sam pulled you inside without another word and shut the door. “I was just going to go check on you,” he said, making his way over to the bed.

“You were?”

“Yeah. Come on,” he continued and motioned for you to follow him, “It’s weird, you not sleeping next to me now.” The way he said it, like it was nothing, made you furrow your brow. What did he mean? Surely he meant nothing by it, like he was commenting about the weather or something completely arbitrary, a habit, not good or bad, that had developed.

Before you knew it, he was holding you, snuggling in for the remainder of the night. It felt wonderful, like every night with him. Again, you wanted to stay there forever, you never wanted to let go, but your brain finally kicked in and you moved to get up, pushing him away.

“Y/N?” He asked, utterly confused.

“I… I don’t think I can do this anymore, Sam,” you answered and bit your lip as you avoided eye contact.

He sat up, grabbing your arm before you could get any further away. “What are you talking about? Did I do something to upset you or-”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just- I can’t- I… I can’t just keep thinking of you as a friend if we  keep doing this,” you stuttered, “Actually, I can’t just think of you as a friend anymore, at all… I realized- I… Sam, I think I’m in love with you.” There was no right way to say it, no amount of perfect phrasing would soften the blow of his rejection, thought getting a coherent sentence out would have been nice… You would’ve felt slightly less like an idiot…

With one hand he tilted your chin up, so you had to meet his eyes, those beautiful gems. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes,” you whimpered, doing your best to look away from him. You’d ruined your friendship, the most important friendship you had… How could you look at him? Why couldn’t you have kept those stupid feelings in?

“Thank god.”

“Wait.. what?” You replied, brow scrunching in confusion.

In an instant you felt his lips against yours, almost trembling like he’d waited so long to do that. It was as if he couldn’t have waited another second, your lips were giving him life and he would’ve been lost with them and you.

A small, almost hesitant grin laced with amusement crept across his lips after he’d pulled back. “Y/N, it’s different with you. It’s always been different with you…”

Your mouth gaped slightly as your mind still worked to process the information.

He took both your hands gently before saying another word. The brightness in his eyes, that growing grin, had you beyond confused. His looks were already distracting… “Y/N, it’s always been you. I’m… I’m in love with you. I always have been.” He looked almost sheepish, blushing even while his melodious voice said the words you never thought you’d hear in a million lifetimes.

This time, you kissed him, connecting your lips with his, sweetly yet hungrily.

You had no idea how his hands had gotten to be gripping your hips with you practically in his lap, but there you were, breathless and grinning like a fool.

“God, why didn’t I figure this out sooner,” you mumbled into his perfect lips as you tugged lightly at his hair.

“I sure wish you had, but I’d wait forever for you,” he mumbled breathily. His lips had made their way across your jaw while his strong hands drew you even closer to him.

You beamed at him. No way in hell did you deserve him and yet he loved you, and you could tell he did, by the glow in those eyes. He loved you with every fiber of his being. You felt it too. The love welling in your chest, in each part of your body and mind… How could you have been so blind?

Mischievously, you replied, “No more waiting. I’ll make it up to you.”

[austennerdita2533]

Summary: The Doctor marvels at Rose's ability to turn his long-ago-burnt-out smiles back into supernovas. (Ten x Rose) 

 (A03) (FF.net)

A/N: Rose and the Doctor are precious and me writing them was inevitable. That being said, it’s my first time writing DW fic so I’m more than a little nervous. Enjoy! *hides*

xx Ashlee Bree

Twinkle, Twinkle Time Lord Star

It’s addicting, the Doctor thinks, inebriating himself with these Rose Tyler smiles.

But, blimey, how wrong! How incredibly reckless it is to supernova before her in this candid way—a fervid, bombastic, incalculable something curving into his dimples each time their eyes meet or their hands fuse together throughout these companionable years of space-journeying! His cheekbones lift and redden without warning these days. His lips stretch, curling upwards for lightyears. His eyes, shrewd, round, and markedly alien, widen to dilate his pupils until they molt into golden-amber pools…and shine.

All because she’s there. Near. His smiles enlarging as a result of meager moments granulating with her preciousness.

Like how after a, ‘the TARDIS ’n I hear all those numbers clunkin’ about in your head as you shrink inward, Doctor. When you’re…y’know, thinkin’ exponentially’ remark at his expense, her tongue traces the bottom edge of her teeth playfully and he finds his ears blazing with the need to hear more of her unique observations about him, her entire vocabulary of words. Or those times when he feels his eyes memorizing the atoms of her mouth as they reel him in close (dangerously, dangerously close) with their tantalizing electricity. Or the way she spoils him with sugar-propaned bananacakes because she knows they’re his favorite Alphabeta’d 5 treat. Humming with delight, he never fails to lick up every last inch of rocketized frosting before offering her a broad, thankful grin.

(All the while praying the titanium sprinkles haven’t metaled-over his pearly whites.)

Then there are the moments when he plops down on the edge of the bed before dawn, roused there by her whimpering, to chase away Bad Wolf nightmares with his caressing fingertips and to treasure the quiet intimacy of holding her while she snores. For a while, he allows himself to sink into her softness. She’s a duvet made of the finest Egyptian cotton; he’s the Time Lord pillow on which she rests snugly, wholly unaware. And as she sleeps, he inhales the soap mixed with perfume and pheromones wafting off the sheets—her skin—losing himself in her completely. Without a care.

Most mornings, however, he scampers off early to fiddle with wires in different rooms or to recalibrate his ship before she wakes. Anything to distract himself from the sound of her lullaby pulse in his ear plus that tickle of breath which still lingers like a hickey on his neck.

The only problem is he never can make himself forget.

Nope.

Not a damn thing can make him forget the sweetness of surrender: the feel of her arms draped around his middle, hand bunched in his pocket; blonde hair splayed messily across his tie; her right cheek cuddled against the center of his button-down shirt; the peaceful coo of his name as it’s murmured on her lips like a piece of poetry…

And what about the color she paints into his clouded life merely by being? Her lungs still breathing laughter? Her heartbeat thumping wildly—enthusiastically to the ticking cadence of time?

Excitement zips through him at an infectious rate of acceleration and spurs a Δ velocity so terrifyingly fast, he stumbles over his own gangly feet to impress her with something better around the next galactic bend. And then there’s the way his chest heaves peacefully, contentedly, the instant she curls herself into him. His hearts immediately settling into perfect circadian homeostasis because she’s the warmest home he’s ever known…

Why, Rose fills him full of photosynthesized buttercups! More than that, the fundamental truth of him is perceivable in every particle of attachment written across his features in easy-to-solve calculus.

“An abominably simple chemical reactant these days, me,” he wants to tell her, but doesn’t. “I’m an elementary school math problem. Nothing more than a, ‘1 Doctor + 2 hearts = ∞Rose’ equation.”

There’s no “x,” “y,” or “z” devotion variable obscured by scientific notation, you see. There’s no pining diameter too complex to measure in kilometers. There’s no vertex of indifference because his feelings for this one remarkable human slope and parabola outside of him in flares so prominent, they nearly blind.

…And isn’t that fantastically ironic?

After all, hadn’t he sworn to lock them up, these smiles? Hadn’t he promised himself to stifle them behind encephalon-shields where they could blaze privately? Perfectly undetected?

Yes.

Yes, he bloody had.

(Unfortunately, he exposes himself in the .00254 seconds it takes to blink, his resolve disintegrating into asteroid dust because a million photon particles shoot from his face whenever she's around…twinkling, twinkling.)

“This pink and yellow girl has fashioned me into a star again,” he mutters quietly, unable to keep himself from laughing at the blatant and unmistakable reality of it all, marveling at how she bends around darkness to pull his faded light from the inside back out. “She’s transformed the universe in which I live and exist by looking inside of me. Tinkered things about in there, she has. She’s…why, she’s gone and rekindled me!”

He cannot stop beaming now, can he?

(Nah. Nope. Never. Not with his brilliant Rose Tyler around!)

It only takes a moment before a new glow settles comfortably and cheerfully against his mouth, blossoming into something beautiful that yearns to be admitted to her with a kiss. (But isn’t.)

“And, ah, what a wondrous thing, this facial shining!” the Doctor muses as brain cells buzz rosily with endorphins and adrenaline. “What an incredibly lovely human anomaly!”

Something about her pulls radiance out of him, he believes. Slips it across his lips. Fills him full of life-music so delightful, and so pleasant, he reaches for her hand and interlocks their fingers with a claiming squeeze. Damn-well determined to twirl her across the universe for as long as their starlit song-of-forever lasts.

He doesn’t speak of it, however.  He never addresses, out loud, the delightful smile-energy Rose draws out of him.

Impossible, he maintains, quite an impossible thing to do.

That being said, the Doctor cannot…he cannot resist showing her with simple somethings how far into him her influence spreads, or how fast it multiplies throughout him and into the armless arms of infinity.

The right words, the ones battling fear on his tongue, refusing to come out when he opens his mouth to speak, become tangled in his embrace. They curl into the trembling hands he wraps around her waist after they defeat another alien threat because he’s so relieved they’re safe, so grateful she’s still with him in body, heart, and mind. But how he manages to pull back from her—to let go, he’ll never know.

They also tuck into the sigh he leaves in her hair when she pilots a portion of the TARDIS from between his two straddled feet. The controls clang and creak as the ship veers left toward Planet Sigma H, clamping them together like two uncoordinated tango dancers until they’re all left feet, tangled limbs, and he’s laughing, “D’yknow what? I quite like these Doctor-Rose kinetics!” he says. “I should let you drive more often, eh? Allons-y!”

They press into the lips that ghost across her forehead in stolen moments just before sunrise as well. In the seconds before a yawn stretches open to clear the loving-dream-that-wasn’t-a-dream from her mind.  The right words slide down a string extending from him to her, unfurling like a poetic confession scribbled in telepathic meaning:

You are the warmest and the loveliest, Rose Tyler. You are the bubbliest of never-ending golds. You drunken both of my hearts then fizzle clear through to the spine of my soul, leaving me so wibbly-wobbly, I float toward you with the universe trailing like a hovercraft beneath my trainers.

I want to show it all to you, you see. The world within worlds. And that’s why I whisper, “Come away—come and fly through Time with me.”

Then, to my delight and surprise, you take my hand. Make a promise.

“I’ll go,” you say, “I’ll go and never leave. ‘N if I asked to stay forever, d’you think you’d want to keep me?”

Keep you? Why, I’m already sonic’d through with your name!

“For as long as I can,” I say with a nod, then avert my gaze.

“Oh? And how long is that?”

I shrug. Adjust my spectacles. “According to the Cloudonions,” I answer, looking up up up to count the galaxies still awaiting us, “‘the edges of ‘always’  never fray…’ ”

Please say you know you are the beginning and ending of everything I am?

I burn anew in the sky you re-drew for me: Saved and remade. Bruised but no longer askew. I’m braver now because the style of the cosmos has changed, and ‘forever’ is a feeling that neither a lapse of time nor an increase of space between us can destroy.

Whole and round and colorfully loud, I am a star again—but a star glowing because of one.

You.

Fondness gleams from him like diamonds studded to the daylight when he thinks of his beloved gal; when he looks into her curious, honeyed face; when he reaches out, desperate for the flower-petal touch he doesn’t deserve to feel wrapping around him in hug; when he catches the pop music hum of her stimulated pulse…and it will never burn back to black. The only thing this glimmering sensation can do within him is expand.

(And surely Rose senses this, yes? Surely she sees the intoxicating everything she pours inside of him?)

“Oh, she knows,” he assures himself silently. Pulling her closer, the Doctor tucks her hand over his chest where it clicks into his like a planet that’s found its way home, “She knows I twinkle with life again because of her—that she’s my Big Bang. Surely she knows how much I…”

“Oi, since when are three words enough to clarify emotional immensity, anyway, hmm?”

“Don’t be daft,” Rose breaks in, patting his cheek softly, “they’re not.” Groggy, she rubs at her hooded eyes before nestling more comfortably against his shirt. “ ‘S usually easier to say I love you ’s all. Much less yammerin’ that way, I’d wager.”

“Wha—but I—and you—” the Doctor’s voice cracks; probabilities multiply so fast they rattle his eardrums  “—you’re…you’re awake!?”

“Mmm. Have been.”

“For how long?” he blurts.

“A bit.”

“Welllll.” He runs a jittery hand through his hair and clucks, “My Time Lord senses didn’t detect—but ah! Perhaps I need to re-attune some neuron synapses or adjust a few electrostatic brain waves in my microtubules—so let me recalculate for R.E.M cycle here and—”

“Twinkle on, then,” Rose says yawning, “twinkle on.”

“Hmm? What?” She could not have possibly—his mind knots. His two hearts jump. Leap. Fluttering against muscle and bone, they threaten to sprout wings and fly out through his ribcage. “Come again?” he flusters.

“Nothin’.” She bites her bottom lip to repress a smile. “Never mind,” she says.

“Does that mean you were—did you happen to hear—”

She shrugs.

“Y’know, a simple yes or no would suffice here. Deducting at its basic form and all that. ”

“Mmm. ’S too bad I’m so tired,” she trills as she presses a kiss beneath his earlobe and settles back against him with a hum, seemingly more than content to fall back to sleep while cocooned in his arms. “G’night Doctor.”

“But, but Rose…”

(Blimey, how much of that uncensored drivel did he think aloud just now!? And better yet, how come she didn’t seem to mind at all!?)

Thanks for reading!

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[crotchexplorer666]

A L L O F T H E Q U E S T I O NS

If I must, deary-

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

“I’m sorry I got you into this mess, @gamingkilledthecat!” Jenn exclaimed as she quickly rolled under the bed. That is where she stayed for many years in shame.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

Uh...Um..Oh, wait, nevermind. I thought this was asking about my first kiss. My dad and I are cool. Not in the romantic way.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

Depends on whether or not it kills their personality. 

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

My last name is five letters.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

Sober..

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

I messed up by not trying hard enough.

7. What does your last received text say?

“what the heck-i was literally about to say something and then i see this“- @gamingkilledthecat  (You caught me at a time in which I was speaking to her)

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

I give my dad a good night kiss every night.

9. Where was your last kiss at?

In the car when my dad dropped me off for school..?

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I just saw my brother 10 minutes ago.

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Coffee. Lots of it.

12. Where did you sleep last night?

In my bed.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

If you wanna keep it exciting, yes.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Mhmm.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

Stop bringing my father into this-

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Sunny. However, I prefer either cold, cloudy, dry days or warm, summer nights. I tan too easily, and it’s natural for people to wish they looked tan when they are pale and pale when they are tan.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

DAVIDLEEROTHIS THE BEST SINGER

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

Pajama pants.. C’mon, I wake up at 2 am. Don’t expect me not to be tired and uncomfortable after school.

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

Sure.

20. Does anyone like you?

Hard to believe, but yes.

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

Uh.. yeah..

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

No.

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

Anyone who doesn’t like me for no reason.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Only a very small one on the shoulder.

25. In the past week have you cried?

Yes, a ton. c:

26. What breed was the last dog CAT you saw?

A domestic medium hair is all I can tell you. Brown tabby with yellow eyes, white underbelly, white chin, white mittens, and a huge tail. .w.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

Out, but sometimes in if it’s too cold.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

I prefer the build of cross country runners.

29. Do you think you’re old?

Nah.

30. Do you like text messaging?

When I text I wish I could be with the person. I’d prefer to be there in person so that they can see my emotions or understand my jokes more, but texting is okay.

31. What type of day are you having?

I’m so happy it’s Friday! I’ve gotten about 5 hours of sleep every night for the past week-

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I don’t find it very attractive, but maybe a very small, discreet piercing.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

I don’t like the sun. Warm weather away from the sun is nice. Cold weather without the sun is also nice. If it’s nice and cloudy, I gotta pick warm.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

I hang out with a lot of boys-

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

I could go either way, it depends.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I don’t think anyone is “simple.” Human beings are all very complicated organisms with their own thoughts and feelings, unlike most animals.

37. What song are you listening to?

“Hair of the Dog” by Nazareth. ;D

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yES.39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

Nope.40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

I can’t explain it. Maybe we were just meant for each other in a way no one can put into words.41. When did you last receive a text message?

A second ago. x)42. What is wrong with you right now?

Many a things.43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

Enough to be her best friend if I only I knew her irl. ;0;44. Does anyone disgust you?

I shouldn’t say--45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

Yeah, sure. YOLO46. Are you in a good mood right now?

I’m never in a good mood, but my outgoing personality masks that.47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

Madelynn. cx I go with her to the library on Fridays and play on my phone while she is tutored by a nice, lovely woman. Then we usually get fast food and I’m dropped off at my house.48. What color shirt are you wearing?

Black and navy blue.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

I like to hear everything about people. 50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Uh, depends on what you mean by that.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

Not even close-

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

Nope. I don’t give up easily. c:53. Do you like rain?

I don’t really like being wet.. The ocean scares me.. 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

Only if they abuse me while they aren’t thinking straight.55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

Mhmm. 56. Do you like to cuddle?

When we’re alone.57. Are you shy?

Ye s. I only hide it well. 58. Do you get along with girls?

I get along well with anyone who is human..? Cats too.. C a t s , m o s t l y.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

Nope. I’d go out with anyone if they asked.  60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My phone, my phone charger, and five bucks. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

If it’s only fucking creepy and won’t actually hurt me in any way, hell yes. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

I can do many things.

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

Nah. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

yES-65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

My cat. Every day.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

My dad is 57, my mom is 51, and Yearni is probably 17 by now-

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? 

DIY W/ JENNCOMING TO YOU IN THEATRES FAR AWAY   

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

Is neither an option? If I had to choose, it would be zebra print.69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

No..70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

Uh, who are these people?!71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?    

I have Android, so that’s cool.72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

Uh, maybe 2 years.73. Do you like diet soda?    

nO74. What color are the walls in your room?    

Green-ish.75. Are you 16 or older?    

I prefer not to tell my age. x)76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

Nah.77. Do you have a job?    

Nope.  78. What are your initials?    

J.W.79. Did you ever have braces?    

Nuh-uh.80. Are you from the south?    

Noooo

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

I’m too lazy to check. x-x82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

Nope.83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

Dad.84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

I play a trumpet, I run, I draw, I do many things. Everything but those two and things that require being limber.85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

I don’t know. ;D86. Do you smoke?    

No, but I don’t hate all smokers. People need to realize that smoking was really popular in the 20th century, and once they gave in to peer pressure, they were addicted. Now they are hated and guilt-tripped for something they can’t control.87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

Socks and sandals, FTW.88. Is your phone touch screen?    

Mhmm.89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

My hair is naturally curly. It dries differently every time I take a shower.90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

Yes.91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

I’d rather stay dry, thank chu.92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

No.93. …Had sex in a car?    

No, thanks.94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

Fat, single, and ready for a Pringle. (Actually, I’m a bit underweight, but I’ll still take that Pringle.)95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

Sleeping so that I could wake up at 3 am.96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

Chinese New Year.97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

Sure.98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

No.99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

Never.100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

I’m not on Facebook much-101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

Nah.102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

Probably “Blah Blah Blah.”103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

I tan too easily..104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

Sure, why not. That’s UT in Austin spirit, right there.

[letterstochristopher]

The worst phone call a sister could ever receive. April 13th. Day 5.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. And it’s scary to post this online, to be this vulnerable. But I feel compelled to share my experience. I thought maybe it could 1) be therapeutic, and 2) help someone who is dealing with the same thing. Suicide is such a weird subject. People don’t know how to talk about it. But it needs to be talked about. I need to talk about this. Because the sad reality is my family won’t be the last people to deal with this.

Saturday was a day like any other, although it’s so funny to look back as it was the last normal day of my life. My husband Clay, and I went to Starbucks down the street so we could work on taxes, and I studied for my NASM. Afterwards, we ran to Whole Foods to grab some ingredients to make curry. I remember feeling frustrated because I couldn’t figure out a good recipe. The things that would irritate me seem so insignificant now. I wonder if I had known then what I know now, how my day would have been different. I wouldn’t have cared about fucking curry.

We came home that night and watched “Shameless.” My hubby started loving that show recently, and after a few episodes I finally warmed up. This is a ritual of ours, cuddling on our couch in our new living room in Denver with our puppies. Normal. Happy. In the middle of an episode, Clay took the dogs out to walk them, and I decided to head to bed. I was standing in the door of our bedroom when Clay walked back in, talking on the phone. I thought he was talking to his mom, then he said, “Yes, she’s right here.” He handed the phone to me, walked behind me and held me tight. I knew it was my mom calling, and I knew it was something bad. She wouldn’t have called Clay otherwise. She learned the hard way to make sure he was home when she delivered bad news about two years ago, when she called to tell me my beloved Uncle Tim had unexpectedly passed away. That day, Clay had recently left for a bachelor trip out of state, and I was all alone. So I knew something was wrong when she called him first. I took the phone, thinking something happened to one of our dogs. Then I thought maybe it was Dad. My mind was racing. “Mom? Is everything okay?” She was crying, and through her racking sobs she said, “No, Jenn. It’s not okay. Chris shot himself tonight.” My legs collapsed, and I started screaming. Looking back, I don’t know how our neighbors didn’t come pounding on our door. Unless someone you love has died, you can’t possibly imagine the gut-wrenching need to deny that what is being said to you is false. I kept screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” I refused to believe it. I handed the phone to Clay, brushed off my tears and kept saying he was fine. Chris was fine. My baby brother wouldn’t do anything like this. He loves me. He wouldn’t leave me like this. My buddy. My everything. It wasn’t fucking possible. But I knew it happened. It was our biggest fear.

I remember when my mom told me she was pregnant for a third time. It was 1991, and I was in the bath, I remember being super sad because I knew this meant she would have to leave. To put it lightly, I had major abandonment issues as a child (we ended up being adopted by my aunt and uncle-who my siblings and I all call “Mom” and “Dad” now, even though I still have contact with my real momma).  My real mom had been abused as a child, and even with one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known, couldn’t raise us the way she wanted to.

I actually named Christopher. Mom asked me what his name should be, and I named him after a boy I had a crush on. Christopher James, after his father. CJ was born March 24th, 1992. I had a journal entry in my huge second-grade handwriting where I talked about the birth of my little brother. I wonder what happened to it. I can’t remember her pregnancy, but I do remember looking at CJ in his crib and realizing how much I loved him. He was so tiny, and all I wanted to do was hug, kiss and protect him. Whenever he would sleep in the rocker in the living room, I would put my finger under his nose to make sure he was breathing. I remember laying in bed at night listening to him cry, as my mom tried to soothe him, and being amazed how something so small could scream so loud. I’m not being biased when I say CJ was the world’s most adorable toddler. His son, Carter, looks identical. Chubby, rosy cheeks. One dimple. Big blue eyes. Long eyelashes. Blonde hair. A total cherub. I remember the first time he laughed-he had this blow up clown that was weighted at the bottom so when you punched it, it would pop back up. I was play-fighting it, and CJ just laughed and laughed. I felt like the world’s best big sister.

When I was 11, I moved in with my aunt Anika, uncle, Steve and cousin, Nikea (we now call them Mom, Dad and Sister). My brother and little sister, Bethany, would follow two years later. This was CJ’s cowboy phase. He loved all things cowboy, and had a fake gun he used to “draw” (one of my favorite pictures of him caught him doing this-I think this will be my next tattoo) and had some boots our mom bought him that he wore everywhere, along with his cowboy hat. He always had his Woody from “Toy Story” he carried around. He also had a tiny guitar he would strum out on our front porch, a blade of grass between his teeth, as his cowboy hat shaded his big blue eyes. I remember him crying at night from growing pains, and his little heart breaking when Mom had to shelve the boots since we believed they were causing his poor legs so much pain. He also ground his teeth at night. It was so loud I could hear it through the bedroom walls.

This was the time I was “sissy.” He called me his “sissy,” and I loved it so much. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, so I cherished it. This is also when he couldn’t pronounce “girl,” instead saying “gware.” And when my sister and I would get annoyed and tell him to shut up, he’d get SO mad and yell, “DON’T CALL ME SHUT UP!” I know these are all tiny weird details that most people who didn’t know him don’t care about, but these are the memories I cling to. My sweet, silly little brother.

As CJ got older, we saw more issues in his behavior. He was moody, and had a low frustration tolerance. He had such a huge heart, but like me suffered from depression. My parents always saw it, and did everything they could to help. Therapy. Medication. Letting him know how much they loved him. I had a conversation with him when he was in middle school, begging him to never hurt himself. He hadn’t ever mentioned self-harm, but this was around the time I had started cutting myself and didn’t want the same for my brother. I always had fears of him hurting himself. He cried during this talk, and promised he wouldn’t. But the reality was my brother suffered from what is called Reactive Attachment Disorder, due to our unstable childhood, or RAD. While I have side-stepped a lot of the issues that come along with such a diagnosis, I have always struggled with many of the same things as him. Fears of abandonment. Suicidal thoughts. Depression. Anxiety. I wanted to shelter my brother from all the issues I had. I didn’t want him to feel the way I did. One of life’s cruelest facts is that we can’t protect the ones we love. I tried. We all did. But I couldn’t protect my brother from himself, any more than he could protect me.

A few years back, CJ met a wonderful girl named Bailey who he ended up marrying. You could just see how much he loved her. They had Carter James. But this marriage wouldn’t last, and I think this, plus my brother’s depression and addiction, was too much. It wasn’t just one thing. It was so many things. My brother had hurt his entire life as a result of RAD. He had gotten addictive genes from both sides (his father was an alcoholic), and he tried so hard to stop drinking. We tried to get him to go to AA. When he was home over his birthday March 24th (I wasn’t able to come, which fucking breaks my heart), our grandpa came from Indiana to go to a meeting with him and share his own personal struggles with alcohol when he was a young man. We tried everything. I’ve read through my texts, gone over our conversations so many times, and I am so fucking grateful that I was there for him. I understood the darkness, having struggled with it, too. I told him continuously that I loved him, that we all loved him, that he was so strong, that he could get through this, that he had so much going on for him, that shitty times pass. His texts were so tortured, about how he hated himself, how he was tired of “EVERYTHING,” how he’d be better off dead. That one is the hardest to read. But I told him we needed him here with us, and nowhere else. I was so frustrated with him, that he couldn’t see how worthy of love he was. But I am so grateful I never let that frustration show. I’m so grateful. My one regret is not talking to him more. The last few months I was going through my own issues (financial and health crap), and withdrew from everyone. And I always had a fear he would break my heart. I was scared he would try to hurt himself, but thought a fear of death would keep him from trying anything permanent. I was more scared he would drink himself to liver failure, or run off and we wouldn’t know where he went. I should have told him every day how much I loved him, how much I needed him, that I was so grateful to have him as a little brother and that I cherished him more than anyone in the world. But I think he knew.

Anyone who has lost someone to suicide knows how you go over and over those final moments. It’s torture. But there are some things that have brought me, while I can’t say “relief,” something to hold on to. For one, he didn’t suffer. Two, I think he was so at peace when he ended his life. His text to my mom, sent shortly before, was very well thought out and coherent. My brother always said exactly what he was thinking. If he was feeling tortured it would have shown through that text. He was sober, clearheaded. He just told Mom what he planned to do, said to set up an education fund for Carter, and ended it with “I love you.” Mom said she would send me the text. I told her no. I can’t bear to read my brother’s final goodbye. I just can’t handle it. But I really believe he was feeling at peace because he knew it would be over soon. He would be in Heaven and his heart would cease to hurt. I also know he wasn’t alone for very long. He had texted a girl he was seeing (who I need to reach out to and thank for loving my brother), telling her his plans. She immediately called the cops and they headed over. So when my mom received her text from him and called the cops, they were already on their way. I’ve read horrible stories of loved ones laying alone for days on end. I’m so grateful my brother wasn’t alone for longer than a few minutes.

I believe in Heaven. I’ve had loved ones who have reached out in ways that are unmistakable, which I will talk about another time. And my brother is no different. I was in the kitchen the other day, and this warmth came over me. It’s so hard to describe, but I heard this, “Look after Mom.” It wasn’t an actual voice, but I know it was my brother. He was so protective of us, especially Mom. He wants me to make sure she’s okay. That’s Chris. Being the protector. Thinking about that moment makes me cry, but just because reminds me that he is still looking out for us.

I don’t know how to get through tonight. Or tomorrow. Or the next week. Or the next fucking sixty years. I head home Saturday (flights during the week were far too expensive), and although I’m so ready to be home I know it will make his loss all the more real. He won’t be there. I know I’ll be expecting to see his lanky frame walking in front of the windows as he approaches the front door. Dad is going to Minnesota to collect his things. He didn’t have much, which I’m grateful for. It’ll be hard enough to go through all his clothes. Mom said she can do it, but I need to help. I’m his big sister. And I’m absolutely dreading seeing his urn. They will ship it. It’s weird to think of my tall brother (he was 6 ft) in an urn. But I have to keep reminding myself that’s not him. Our bodies are not us. We are not our bodies, our emotions, our hurts, our brain chemistry. My brother’s soul is here with me now. THAT is him. But as I write this, I am trying to find out the name of the crematorium where he is so I can get some of his hair. And I’m so scared they will say it’s too late. Or that there was none left. I don’t know if I can handle that.

How do I go on? How do I keep breathing when the person I love the most is gone? In one text I found today, I promised him I would always love him and never abandon him. But he abandoned me. I’m not angry with him-I understand why he did it. And I rejoice knowing he no longer hurts and is happy and well taken care of. But he did leave me. His big sister. He didn’t even text me goodbye. I don’t know if that would have made it better or worse. Part of me hopes he wasn’t thinking of me while he sat on that couch. But I know he was.

Chris, I miss you. So much. I don’t know how to keep breathing. I know I have to, because I don’t have a choice. It’s not fair. Why do I have to keep living when you’re gone? I don’t know how to do this. I need you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

[toomanysurveys9]

Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? i am not.

Are you one of those people who always tend to think critically in issues? i would say i am most of the time.

Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? i know people that flirted too much with people that weren’t their significant other, of both genders.

When was the last time you had any kind of pork? What kind was it? uhh. week and a half ago when i had pork fried rice.

Are you someone who normally eats a full breakfast every single morning? i have to have cereal at least usually, or i get super sick. one of the many joys of pregnancy.

Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. not like in books and movies, no. but there are people that have a thing for drinking blood...

Is there anyone out there who can give you butterflies in your stomach? jake does still sometimes.

Are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends? not generally, no..

Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? i have, but not by choice. and no. it’s definitely not something i’m into.

What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? not shower or take care of themselves. be sexist and gross towards people.. same things that can be disgusting about females.

Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? teleport. that would be pretty neat.. to be able to go anywhere..

Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? i have a long time ago. i didn’t pay that much attention to how real they looked though.

Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? i have not.

Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? not that i remember?

What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? probably mcdonald’s, at least when they’re fresh.

Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? i don’t know. probably not..

Are you someone who always looks for sales when you go shopping somewhere? i never go shopping, but i guess i would if i did. lol.

Are you constantly re-arranging your bedroom? Or do you not like change? i don’t rearrange it often, but i need to before wyatt is born so i can get the playpen in there for him to sleep in for the first week or two at least.

Who would you consider the best teen actor or actress out there now? i don’t know. i don’t pay that much attention.

When did you last cuddle up next to someone and watch a movie? i honestly don’t remember.

Where would people most likely find you out on the weekends? usually at home.

Do you like the school you attend or is it just pretty bland to you? no longer in school.

Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? they still do around here.

What is your favorite childhood memory? Who did you share this with? any of the family vacations. singing. there’s a lot. most involved my family. some involved friends.

Are there any windows open in your house right now? Which ones, if so? no. it’s too cold outside.

Is it currently your favorite season? If not what is your favorite? no. i prefer all of them except winter.

Do you like soda pop? If so, which is your favorite and least favorite? i enjoy it occasionally. i guess my favorite is coca-cola lately, and my least favorite would be ginger ale and diet sodas.

Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? it doesn’t bother me, and i don’t do it often. i prefer people are polite about it though...

Do you have any siblings you’re embarrassed about being related to? of course not. they might be embarrassing at times, but so am i.

Which noises do you currently hear right now? Can you control those? erin talking and watching a movie.. rose’s television in her room.. my mom singing.. and no, not really. i don’t really want to either.

What is one thing you’ve never understood throughout your life? eh. life in general. how to cope with a bunch of it.

When you see an old person do you think ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy?’ i don’t usually think anything generally unless something happens to draw my attention to them, really..

What is it that makes old women want so many cats in their life? i’m assuming so they’re not as lonely.. that’s a huge reason a lot of people get any kind of pet..

What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? opera.. techno.. stuff like that..

When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? like, half an hour ago. nothing bad happened.

How many times a day do you wash your face? Do you wash it really good? depends. maybe once. and if i do, i do wash it well.

Would you consider yourself to have a boring life or a really exciting one?

definitely more boring. i’m not working so i spend most of my time at home, in my room, in bed, unless my mom gets me out of the house or takes me to her house.

Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? i don’t like webcams, so no.

Who was the last person you kissed and why did you kiss this person? jacob. because he’s my husband i can.

How many fish have you owned in your lifetime, so far? Did they all die? one. jake dropped the tank and it died. i also had a couple albino frogs that live in the water (forget what they’re called). tia (grandparents’ cat) knocked them off the counter and they died..

When do you think it’s the right age to pass away? i don’t think there is a “right” age exactly..

If you were to get drunk right now, how would you most likely act? if i weren’t pregnant and got drunk, i would be more silly and fun. i like to go on walks. but i wouldn’t get drunk while pregnant in a million years.

How many people have you kissed in your lifetime, so far? Who were they? romantically: one.

Are you going to post this on a social networking site after you take it? just tumblr.

Is there something people in general do that bothers you a lot? lie. cause drama. treat other people like shit. the list goes on.

Has anything supernatural ever happened to you? What were these events? no..

How many concerts have you seen so far in life? Were they good ones? quite a few, mostly at the fair. and i enjoyed most. ed sheeran was my favorite and he’s the only concert i’ve been to that wasn’t in a coffee shop or at the fair.

Do you like doing anything your friends wouldn’t expect you to do? i don’t know. not necessarily just because they think i wouldn’t, but it happens.

Can you sing very well or are you considerably tone deaf? i sing fairly well.

When did you last make a survey? How many people took it so far? i don’t ever make surveys.

Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? not likely. i’m not that into doing the research and whatnot..

Where is your favorite place to go when you’re feeling sad and alone? my room usually. which makes no sense because then i’m really alone.

Have you ever had to call poison control while you were babysitting? no. i’ve never needed to.

Do you ever look back on the past years and wish you could go back? sometimes, some parts, yes.

When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? i don’t know. i’m not close to any cousins anymore really.

Does it bother you when people constantly sign in on MSN? Or not so much? i don’t use it, but i don’t see why it’d bother anyone?

When was the last time you saw a bird? What kind of bird was this? i don’t know. probably today, but i only knew a few kinds of birds.

Have you ever seen someone getting beat up by lots of people at one time? i have not.

Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? i like some vintage stuff..

When was the last time you bought new sheets for your bed? never. lol. i don’t think i’ve ever bought sheets.. parents always did..