#also: if you think this throws shade at game of thrones. you are correct.

[demetyilmcz]

but what a ghostly scene. {au self para}

  ❛  you wear the same jewels that I gave you      as you bury me ❜

tw: death mention, stabbing mention, funeral, general ghost vibes

This is not what she thought death would be. 

Humans have the folklore that souls would hang around the world when they have unfinished business with the living, or if their death was particularly violent and the soul could not find rest. Demet supposes she would fall under both categories. 

The funeral is pretty. She hadn’t thought Harry would be so meticulous with the selection, or that she would even get a headstone at all. He seemed to only see the monster while he held that silver blade, determined that he was making the world a better place by removing her from existence. You’d never guess it now, from the role he plays as a grieving fiancé. Demet has to admit that he does it well, and she wonders how much of everything she ever saw from him was as much of a performance as the show he’s putting on now. Did she even know him at all? The dull ache in her heart wants to scream yes, that it couldn’t have all been a lie, but maybe that’s just phantom pain from the dagger he put there. ( Sometimes when she looks down, she swears she can still see it sticking out from her chest. )

Strange. Esma and Rafael aren’t here. She always thought they would be. Maybe Rafael really has moved on with his life. Maybe she doesn’t matter to him anymore, had stopped mattering a long time ago. He never did respond to any of her letters, anyway. But Esma, that one’s a puzzle, something she doesn’t quite understand as her lifeless eyes scan the crowd of mourners. Friends, coworkers, everyone she’s ever known in London have turned up. But none of her family. Esma should be here, if no one else. Her sister still loves her, doesn’t she? Does Demet’s life really matter so little? The thought is a chill that crawls over her skin. Funny, she was never cold when she was alive. Her fur always kept her warm. Now it’s as if she’s encased in a cage of ice, and she thinks if she had breath, it’d fog up the air around her. She’s forgotten how to breathe. Is that another ghost thing?

Harry sits up front at the service, as the priest reads pretty things from the one book she never got around to reading. May God bless her soul. She didn’t realize Harry was particularly religious, he’s never mentioned it before. Demet floats forward until she’s standing in front of him. She wills him to see her, give her anything, but he only stares through her as if she’s nothing more than a window. Even as she reaches out to touch his cheek, and her hand passes straight through. Is this her new reality? To simply exist? Wander the earth forever, condemned to her loneliness? This isn’t what she wants. Demet wants her father. And her mother. And Burak. She wants to be with her family again. It had been some small relief, a consolation prize as she laid dying on her kitchen floor, that at least she would get to see them again. But it seems as if she’s been cheated out of that as well, now. Is there anything else the universe is capable of taking from her? She’s never been sure she’s believed in the idea of a god, but if any exist, they must take great amusement from her torments. 

Tears stream down Harry’s face as the casket that holds her mortal body is lowered into the ground, and really, he’s wasting his talents as a hunter, it’s clear that he’s made for the stage. He’s wearing the cufflinks and watch that she bought him, Demet notes, as he runs a hand through his disheveled hair. He always did like dressing well. Maybe it makes him feel more powerful. There’s a small satisfaction to seeing him favor one side, the side where her claws had scratched him. She did not go with grace. No soft gasp, no limp body to hold in his arms while she dies and he cries like he’s the victim of the scene — that the woman he loves turned to a monster, so he must act the hero and kill the beast for the good of humanity. He had to earn her death, while she screamed and thrashed and plead and cried and fought back. So many stab wounds. So much blood. Demet wonders how they cleaned her up well enough for the viewing. That’s probably what the modest black dress is for, covered from neck to toe. As if she would ever wear something so restrictive. 

He stands around, accepting sympathies and well wishes and offers of ‘if there’s anything you need’ from everyone they’ve ever known, and a part of Demet wants to scream. To tell them all that it’s his fault, she didn’t have to die, doesn’t have to be here now floating outside of existence. But her mouth opens and no air comes in, no sound goes out. Mute. Might as well be, she always felt mute in her mortal life too. Biting her tongue so much, the first taste of blood she ever had being her own, swallowed to keep her mouth shut. So many things she never said, for the sake of everyone else, and now they never will be. Perhaps she did this to herself, to some degree. If she had not been so ashamed to want things for herself, to not have to always be the dutiful daughter when none of her siblings seemed willing, perhaps she would not have been such easy prey. So effortlessly charmed by his sweet words, and the idea that for what felt like the first time in her life, Demet came first to someone else. Where would she be now if she had simply thrown out the slip of paper he'd left with his number on it?

And yet, there is no use to ponder the ‘what ifs’. None of them will change this plane of existence that she finds herself caught in now. She follows Harry as he leaves with his friends to go drown their sorrows in a pub, not because she feels any particular tether to him, but because she knows little else where to go. Her life in London revolved around him, and neither of her siblings came to her funeral. What else is there for her? So she goes, and watches him pour down drink after drink, bemoaning his poor fiancée to anyone who will listen. The bartender gives him a glass of top shelf whiskey on the house, and Demet thinks she should’ve used this ploy a long time ago. She could’ve played the weeping widow for a free drink. She sticks a finger in his glass, just to see if she can feel it ( the answer is no ), while a man she’s never quite liked claps him on the back and tells him that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. If she were capable, Demet would throw the drink in his face. 

And why can’t she be a vengeful ghost? The kind people always claim are haunting their houses; throwing books off the shelf, turning on stoves and locking the doors. She feels like she deserves at least that much, some kind of recompense for this fate. Instead, all she has is this detached form that doesn’t even feel like a body anymore, but her mind forces into the conforms of one anyways because that’s all it knows. Incapable of anything other than floating around after the living, watching in silence as they get to continue doing everything she had taken for granted once upon a time. Useless.

It’s nearly midnight when Harry leaves the pub, heading back to the little home they used to share. She remembers being so proud when they signed the lease together, a step towards their future. Looking at it now, all she can see is every shattered promise he ever made her. Demet wonders if Harry sees them too. He certainly didn’t waste time having the place cleaned up. You’d never know a murder was committed here only a few days prior, she thinks, as she floats into the living room. She expects Harry to follow, perhaps to sit in the lounger, kick his feet up and congratulate himself on a job well done while he watches television, but he never comes. So she seeks him out instead, finding him in the middle of the entryway, slouched against the wall with his head in his hands. It’s an image that surprises Demet, she’ll admit. She can hear the soft, choked sobs that wrack his chest, loud as the chimes that would ring from the clock on the wall in that quiet hallway. Oh. Maybe it was real, then. At least a little bit of it. 

She slides down, too, propped up on her hands and knees as she watches him with a mild fascination she would not have expected from herself. There is a certain schadenfreude in knowing he does not get to come out of this Scot-free and unaffected. Her name falls from his lips, the ones she used to fantasize about kissing all the time, muttered like a prayer or perhaps a curse, and Demet finds herself leaning in closer. What is she listening for, exactly? An apology? An acknowledgment of what he’s done? But no matter how long she waits, nothing else comes. Nothing except the sniffles of Harry’s tears. And maybe it speaks to how fucked up her mindset has always been, or maybe how much she loved him, but a strange sort of sympathy fills her chest watching him cry. She reaches for him once more, but it only passes straight through again.  If she could speak, if there was one thing Demet could say to him, she would ask, was it all worth it? Is this what you wanted? She cannot believe that it is, seeing him now.

And then she wonders, what if she is meant to forgive him? Perhaps that is the reason why she’s stuck here between a half-existence, when she should be with her family. If she lets go of this anger, and pain, and betrayal that she carries around with her, will that be enough? To give them both peace? It is a bitter thought, that she should have to bring peace to her murderer before she can achieve it for herself. And Demet knows, deep down in whatever is left of her soul, as she sits across from him in this dark hall, that forgiveness is a long ways away. 

It seems that you and I are still tied together forevermore, Harry. Was it always meant to be this way for us?

[unknownworldmap]

No longer a burden

Levi Ackerman is a child prince who is destined to be a king in the future and took his duties seriously because of it. However, he pressured himself too much and has forgotten that he is just a child who needed his break sometimes. One day, he met the daughter of the current royal advisor after a tiring day, and ever since then, the girl started following him around and resulted in an uncanny friendship between the future royal advisor and the future king.

@levihanweek

This is my entry for the Levihan eggschange. If my giftee is able to find their gift then I hope you like it!!! (even though it ended up wayyyyyyyy longer than I intended it to be....)

Continue reading here

Being a royal isn't all fun and games. It's not just waving and attending parties while being polite to other members of the monarchy. While it might seem such a luxury to live like a royal, the child prince of the Ackerman family seems to think the contrary of what people portrayed royals as.

Despite being a 12-year-old kid, Levi is aware of the burden he's dealing with and abandoned his childhood to do his duties. Excelling in every class he's in, studying extracurricular and sometimes even attending royal meetings to observe the way of the royals. Even at that young age, he already thought that far ahead of the future and was prepared to accept an arranged marriage if necessary.

He really takes his duties seriously. Too seriously, that he even forgets he's a child.

The people of Eldia are in peace of mind knowing that their future king is serious about his duties. But, sometimes, or most of the time, they forget under all that seriousness, Levi is still just a child.

He removed his fingers from the keys of the piano and moved his head to face the window. He stared at it for a minute, just observing the orange afternoon sky before standing up from his seat and leaving the room.

Once he pushed the door open to exit the room, a shuffling noise from behind him was instantly heard. Although, he's not a little bit surprised anymore as it was following him all day round since the start of his day. Be it archery, tea ceremony, and piano lessons - The shuffling noise is always present.

If he is correct, the right word to describe that shuffling noise is a stalker. They are always everywhere around him asking for autographs and for his plans in the future that he got used to people following him and being stalkers. Still, this fellow is certainly a strange one compared to the usual bunch.

Normally, they don't even get past the castle gates because of the guards blocking their way. But this one was even able to follow him since the start of archery which was the first extracurricular class he attended very early in the morning.

"Tch, no use thinking about it. They'll get caught soon enough" Levi thought as he turned right in the hallway, taking the path that leads to the garden.

Today is one of the rare days where he achieves free time from his suffocating royal tasks and classes. Whenever free time is available, he takes a stroll around the castle to admire the scenery and the atmosphere.

One of the things he loves to do when given that free time was to read a book under the shade of the tree located near the lake. Sometimes, pebbles are thrown into the surface of the lake just for him to observe the water ripples created. He finds that action satisfying enough for him to relax after a day of tedious royal tasks.

But in order for him to reach his destination, he must exit the garden maze standing in his path first.

It isn't really that much of a hassle for Levi to exit the garden maze. In all that 12 years of his life living in the castle, he was able to memorize all the exits to the garden maze and doesn't get lost anymore like he used to.

And he was planning to take this route in the first place. The garden maze allows him to just be lost in his random thoughts while surrounded by the blooming flowers and the breathtaking scenery. Actually, he wouldn't mind if he gets lost in the garden maze at all.

Someone, however, would be really troubled if they get lost inside the garden maze and allows themselves to be caught by the castle guards. Someone like the stalker that is still following him even now.

Hoping that whoever that person is taking the bait, Levi left the gate slightly opened for them to enter the garden maze and get lost. It's almost impossible for intruders to exit the maze easily so he is pretty certain that this plan of his would work.

It did work after a few minutes when there was no noise following him anymore. It meant that the stalker - whoever that person may be - is already lost and wandering for the exit.

He moved forward the path of Lilacs and Evening Primrose then took a turn to reach the flowery path of Violets that led him to two split flowery paths. He chose the path where Irises are present, that path being the correct one that connects to the exit and the scenery of the clear blue lake.

He looked back at the maze and thought of the person who was patient enough to follow him the entire day.

"Whether that person exits that maze or not isn't my problem anymore" was the thought circling his mind and was entirely forgotten when he crouched down to pick up a pebble, preparing to throw it in the lake.

Moving his elbow backward, he aimed and threw the pebble into the lake, leaping three times and creating water ripples before it sinks into the lake along with the other pebbles he had thrown before.

Satisfied with his pebble throwing, he resumed with the walk to the tree but stopped his tracks at the sight of another person already taking his usual spot.

From what Levi can see, the person appeared to be a female with messy brown hair. She was wearing a yellow blouse accompanied by baggy brownish pants and on her lap was a huge book that lays open as her eyes scan the page.

The stare lasted longer than Levi expected. It even reached the point where the girl already finished reading one page and took her eyes away from the book to appreciate a different view. Or rather, she lifted her hands and started waving them up in the air as a way to get Levi's attention.

There was an unchanging blank expression visible on Levi's face even though he obviously noticed the exaggerated action of the waving hands. It was an invitation for him to come over to the spot where the girl is sitting which resulted in his blank expression that's actually just him contemplating choices whether to ignore the girl and walk the opposite way or to accept her invitation that will lead to socializing - something Levi doesn't want to do at the moment.

The urge to do the former choice was really strong but nevertheless, what he did was the latter choice and began approaching the girl. It wasn't his desire to let himself be known and would rather pretend that he didn't see anything so that he can continue on with his life. Sadly, that isn't what a future king would do, or else it'll be deemed a shameless action.

And so, with his heavy role in mind, he plans to at least be a little bit respectful and introduce himself to the girl who turns out to be familiar with him already - no introductions required as the girl sends him a smile.

"Sit down, your highness" The girl bowed to show some respect and greeted Levi while scooting over to the right, creating some space for Levi to sit on.

He can't help but inwardly cringe at the greeting. It's true that he's a prince and he's going to be the heir of the throne but being called "your highness" is something he'll probably never get used to. It just doesn't fit him.

There was no greeting from him. Instead, he replied with a question. "You know me?"

"I was unsure at first" She paused and grabbed Levi by the hands, pulling him down and caused him to fall face flat on the grass before continuing "I saw you playing the piano earlier and then I thought that that ah, there's no doubt this is the so perfect prince everyone is talking about"

Levi raised his head from the ground and glared at the girl in front of him. "You're the stalker."

"Hey! I'm not a stalker, I was just following you" She clarified, extending her hands to offer help then introduced herself.

"My name is Hange, nice to meet you" She beamed and pulled him up from the ground.

Levi would have scoffed at the introduction if it wasn't for the voice nagging in his mind. A constant reminder that he is a noble prince and that he must be respectful in every encounter with a person. Honestly, it's troublesome for Levi to stay polite and respectful. It doesn't help that he is a socially awkward person and his words tend to be rough which appears rude most of the time.

And so, to avoid misunderstandings with the girl, he just left without saying unnecessary words and only told her to have a nice day as he did a bow, ignoring the offer to sit beside her.

After the greeting, he started walking away from the tree to hopefully get some space away from anyone that might initiate a conversation with him. But, that did not become the case since the moment he started walking away, someone followed behind him. This time, that someone didn't have any intention to hide anymore and is now in Levi's line of sight.

"Why are you following me?" Levi asked, his voice trying to be polite yet ended up sounding irritated.

Hange didn't mind the way he sounded and gave her an answer to Levi's question. "I'm doing my future job"

While it's true that he was irritated at the girl following him, he must not show it as it may ruin his reputation that he actually doesn't care about but the whole kingdom does.

A further discussion about details regarding her future job would have been explained if she wasn't careless and tripped on a rock, almost losing her balance. Luckily, she regained her balance soon enough and didn't get the chance to fall on the ground. She was also able to get Levi's attention and Hange took it as a sign to continue the one-sided conversation.

"Why do you think I know the exit to the maze when you wanted me to get lost earlier" Hange questioned, aware that there will be no response but still added another question anyway. "Who else do you think follows the royal family members around?"

A reply was not she was expecting to receive. Nevertheless, she received one brutally honest reply.

"Blood-thirsty serial killers who are plotting to kill the next heir of the throne and the rest of the royal family" Levi answered flatly, no signs of joking found in his statement.

Hange chuckled, amused at the reply he gave her. "Do I look like a murderer to you? and well...you do have a point but that's the wrong answer"

As expected, she didn't receive a reply anymore and decided to resume with the explanation by adding another question.

"Did you know there was a hidden exit inside the maze? it's a route closer to the lake and is mostly used by staff and royal council members during emergencies" She discussed as she took out something from the pockets of her yellow blouse. Before Hange can continue with her reasoning, Levi interrupted her.

"You're not part of the staff" He confirmed, straight to the point.

There is always a possibility that Hange is lying. She was a stalker after all. Too bad, because Levi won't be fooled that easily especially when it comes to the royal staff and council members. Having all the names of the people inside the castle memorized is also one of his duties as the future ruler of the kingdom. That's why even though he barely speaks to them, he knows everyone's occupations and names in the castle.

The name "Hange", doesn't ring a bell.

Hange raised her hands up in the air, a devilish smile formed on her face. "Alright, you got me"

As soon as she said that, no time was wasted and she instantly defended herself or else Levi might run and really think of her as a blood-thirsty murderer.

"I am not part of the royal council or staff yet" She admitted, putting emphasis on the last word.

It was clear by Levi's crossed arms that he did not believe a single word she said. With that, she had no choice but to take out an object that allows her to write on the surface of the paper.

For some reason, Levi still didn't leave his tracks even though he is free to do so and waited for Hange to finish whatever she's writing.

Once Hange finished writing, she gave the paper to Levi which he reluctantly accepted.

"I know the pattern because my mother told me to be informed about it. She said that I will need it in the future. Though that one I wrote is the path you took and not the secret pattern." Hange focused on Levi's facial expressions, observing any reaction from the information she had just given him.

For a second, Levi's eyes widened at what was written on the paper. It said:

Lilacs

Evening Primrose

Violets and

Irises

His line of thought was broken when a voice reached his ears. "Did you notice the pattern, prince Levi?"

He flinched and returned the paper to Hange and carried on with his walk.

"How do you even know this? You're not part of the royal council in this castle, I've never seen you before and you're too young for that" he muttered under his breath.

"I am not part of the royal council but I will be. I guess you can consider it as a royal advisor in training?" She stated unsurely, trying to understand her own words but also ended up being confused like the prince in front of her.

By clearing her throat, she added more details to her initial statement. "Well, to be precise, I am a child of the current royal advisor and in the future, I will be taking over my mother's footsteps"

"If you're destined to be a king then my fate is to be a royal advisor" She informed and then added a soft whisper yet audible enough for Levi to hear "despite not wanting to be one"

"We're quite similar actually," Hange said, still following Levi

"You have bad eyesight if you see the similarities" Levi retorted.

"It's true. I do have bad eyesight but I don't need glasses to see the responsibilities forced upon us whether we like it or not" Hange stated, a hint of bitterness present in her voice.

"You're a kid, shouldn't you be playing outside or something" Levi suggested but who was he to talk. When he, himself, can't do that.

"The same goes for you" Hange patted his shoulders and sent him a heavy smile. It almost looks forced but at the same time, it was genuine.

Because of the heavy atmosphere surrounding them, Levi was forced to change the topic and that was through the means of asking a question. "Why are you still following me?"

"Oh!" she brightened up as she recalls her purpose of following Levi. "I came to inform the prince that I will be his royal advisor by the time he becomes a king. That explains why starting today, I'll always be by your side"

A complaint was about to escape Levi's mouth but for some reason, he can't say it out loud and the only action he can do was watch Hange who was mesmerized by the orange afternoon sky that can be seen through the glass windows. Her hair was illuminated by the light of the sunset and as the sun steadily sinks into the horizon, it brings along the light until it fully disappeared. No longer illuminating Hange's hair with the additional brownish golden color from earlier that was caused by the sunset.

While there might not be any trace of the sunlight, Hange's smile was radiant enough to brighten up the place. For sure, Levi saw the brightness of her smile though he blamed it on the torches that lit up one by one - he thought to himself that it's the only reason why the place looked a little bit brighter than usual.

Finally, he found the resolve to vocalize his earlier complaint that he wasn't able to do. "You don't look like someone who's prepared to be my royal advisor"

Hange's smile faltered for a second before agreeing to Levi's complaint. "I know that. I'm not fit to be a royal advisor at all with the way I am"

With what she said, Levi felt guilty and tried to at least comfort her or anything. The problem is, he was never good at words and will only make the situation worse. As he was attempting to open his mouth and speak, Hange grabbed a hold of his hands and faced him while looking straight at his eyes.

"That's why, for now, don't think of me as your future royal advisor" Hange now has his hands captured and held it tighter.

She removed her hands from Levi's and took one step away, lifting up her pinky finger. "Think of me as a friend who promises to always stay by your side"

After she said those words, she locked both of their pinky fingers together to secure a promise. It happened so suddenly that Levi didn't even have time to react except for averting his eyes away from Hange.

"There's going to be a time when we have to play our respectful roles - you as a king and me as a royal advisor. But, that time is still out of our reach so why not have a little fun before that" She suggested.

There was sincerity in her eyes when she was speaking earlier but now, the sincerity in her eyes was replaced with mischief. "Well, considering your height, I don't think you'll reach it anytime soon"

"OK!!! As a royal advisor in training!! I hereby announce that my first duty is to try and make you grow tall" Hange exclaimed, puffing her chest out.

"Once again, nice to meet you. I know we can get along" She said, turning her back against him and then waving goodbye as she runs in the opposite direction.

Levi was at a loss for words and didn't know how to react to what just happened. People usually are way too intimidated to even start a conversation with him. But, this girl just did it as if he's not someone from a noble family background - If he was honest, he might say he's a little bit intrigued about the girl. Continuation here

[fireemblemtcg]

“The Cipher Frontier!” Issue 58: “Cipher Will Never Die!”

"The Cipher Frontier! With Emma, Shade, Yuzu, Randal, Alice, Val, Niamh & Poe" was a regular column on the Fire Emblem Cipher website which summarized upcoming news concerning Cipher and other Fire Emblem materials. It was presented by the eight mascot characters. The following is a full translation of the 58th and final issue of the column, which was originally published on 31 March 2021.

More Fire Emblem Cipher translations!

Hello, everybody!!!!!!!!

It's been over five years since Cipher launched - and, for that matter, The Cipher Frontier! itself...

And today... we bring you the last one!

Sniff... So this is really it...

Aye, it certainly is a bitter occasion.

With the moment upon us, I find myself overcome with emotion. Yet at the same time, I cannot help but sorely wish that this day had never come at all.

Well, it... It doesn't bother m-m-me... Not... one...

BWAAAAAAAAAAAH! I C-C-CAN'T TAKE THIS!

E-easy, milady! You swore before we began that you would not cry!

I, too, owe very, very much to all of you, so... I am very sad.

Where there is a beginning, so too shall there be an end... It is an inevitability.

Still, one might argue that as long as there are still decks to play with and opponents to challenge... Cipher may be played for eternity. So think not on this as the end, for this is but a milestone of life.

Sniff... So this isn't farewell?

Not in the least! All of our players can still continue to get together to play Cipher. So as sad as you might be now to see the game end, the feeling won't last! And I, for one, would like to close out our final day with a smile.

To that end, I propose that we all share some parting words. You first, Emma!

Alrighty! Well, I've been here since the beginning, but... Back then, I was an absolute noob, wasn't I? I didn't have the faintest idea what a "Tea See Gee" even was!

But then I learned so much from Shade, and I presented news, participated in Tryout and Gathering events, and watched Live Broadcasts - and all of that gave me the chance to grow so much.

And then as the days went by, we got to meet Yuzu and Randal, Alice and Valjean, and Niamh and Poe, and we all always had a riot of a time playing Cipher together... It's all been like something out of a dream!

Lastly, I just want to say thank you...

To all of you who've been reading our column to date, thank you tho thuch!

Ha! Is that a slip of the tongue I hear?

Why, I do believe it was... And of all the words to flub, at that.

H-heh heh heh! I guess I am still just a kid after all... But mark my words, I'll be working even harder to become a mature, full-fledged knight! Okay, let's try this again... Thank you all!

Well, I'm next! I was primarily tasked with hosting this column and presenting news.

But the work introduced me to more and more friends, and to a constant stream of announcements that were news to me myself... To lose it is like I've also lost my reason to exist, but at least I am left with fond memories of it all.

My desire to convey the appeal of Cipher to others hasn't wavered in the slightest, but... this is the last time it will ever happen here. Alas. Still, I will always be rooting for all of you, even if we don't see each other.

There will always be a bond between us - always. Remember that whenever you play Cipher and see our cards. On this, you have my word! This has been Shade, shepherd of wayward lambs, saying farewell!

Alright, then. You're next, Yuzu!

...

Huh? Yuzu! What's gotten into you? Would you just get out here?

Er, forgive me. When everybody's gaze turned upon me, I could not help but immediately seek shelter...

Oh, yeah. You never did like public speaking, did you, Yuzu?

Of course! We had a devil of a time convincing you to come out at all for your very first column.

E-enough! That was many years ago: a d-d-difficulty that I have long since moved past!

Hrr-hrr-hrr... heh-HEM! L-l-let us, er, begin anew.

I am Yuzu. My contribution to this column was to introduce cards that afforded new styles of play... only to let a haze of utter passion promptly consume me and hence spend my every waking hour crafting decks from them and trialling them in matches.

You always were one to cry, "I must test these cards at once!" and throw yourself into obsessive research.

As such, I have acquired an eye for strategy, forged in the fires of Cipher, to incorporate into my prior mastery of the martial arts - and with that, at long last, I have come to an understanding of the very heart of warcraft.

Further, as a consequence I may declare with confidence that, should I ever find my brother, I shall be able to hold my head high for all that I have grown in his absence. For that, you have my most heartfelt gratitude. So end my parting words!

Thank you, Yuzu. Right, it's your turn, Randal!

Huh? Oh, right then!

I've got a motto: always take your games deathly serious, and always make your own fun on the job… And, well, this has been my chance to prove those words true.

I mean yeah, I'm a wanderer at heart; I might've stuck around a bit too long... but that's just because this was all a hell of a lot of fun.

Oh, I agree... It was a HELL of a lot of fun!

GAH! It's... It's you!

Well, well. We have a stranger among us!

Pah! "Stranger," indeed. This hair, this face, this ribbon... None of this ring a bell?

Eh? Do you... do you mean Randal?

Indeed! I am...

...His son, no? It is nice to meet you!

OI!

What are you on about?! I AM Randal, just from the past - younger than the one you know!

It's happening again! The exact same argument!

This really must be the end, if HE'S here...

This is how you treat me? I have to hear that the last column is happening at the eleventh hour and make a mad dash to make it in time?! Bloody hell...

What is this? A being under the thrall of the Boundless Chaos? How intriguing. I must conduct a thorough examination at once...

H-hey! What are you doing, Niamh?! You look deathly serious... Oi, that's enough! Stay back! I... I've got a sword!

Well, er, I'm just about all out of time, but I just want to say it was a hoot being on the Frontier. Hope I see you all again someday. Adios!

He vanished?! Still more intriguing...

Sigh... What a pain in the arse, if I do say so myself. Although... I must admit, we do agree on one thing: I'd also be glad to see you all again.

This might be one farewell, but here's hoping we cross paths once more! And if we do, hey, why not play a match with this old fart? And that's all she wrote from ol' Randal!

Thank you. Next, let's hear from Alice and Valjean!

Heh heh! At last! Shall we, Val?

Yes, milady.

The two of us made our debut circa Series 10, and ever since that day, the Frontier never failed to be a most thrilling time. Would you agree, Val?

Yes, milady.

My objective in making this journey was simple: to experience much in my travels, such that I might someday return home and become a great ruler indeed. But instead, I first became a most superior, most brilliant Cipher player! Utterly invincible! Favored by fortune! And whatnot. Didn't I, Val?

Yes, milady.

I remember... that every time a Cipher release day came, I would be up all night from their eve, crafting decks and playing matches with the others. Oh, it was such fun! Wasn't it, Val?

...Yes, mi... mi... milady! Sniff...

V-Val?! What is the matter with you?

I am most moved. That my most capricious liegelady could at last find in Cipher such an engaging hobby, such good company, and such a source of training - and that she could grow so greatly as a woman.

Val...

We have been truly blessed to have had all of this: all of you, who welcomed us so warmly into the Frontier fold, and all of the Cipher players out in the world. I wish to offer you my gratitude for everything.

To be honest... I have something to say on that matter myself. Thank you, truly, for everything. I will never, ever, ever, EVER forget even a single day that we spent here together!

Nor shall I!

...Having said that, milady, I fear that you are still yet unready for the throne! From today onward, we must redouble your original leadership training efforts! I fully intend to prepare for you an intensive study regimen.

I-I-I beg your pardon?! You will not speak to me so! If I see even a single incorrect mark, you would do well to prepare yourself, for I will work you to the very bone for the rest of your days!

By all means, do it. But be prepared, for I have a lifetime's worth of admonishments at the ready.

Heh... Best of luck to the two of you!

Your turn, Niamh!

I was present from the 37th column onward... To be precise, it was in the "Love and Bonds Special Talk CD" audio drama that came as a set with an artbook, sold at Comiket 93.

My inquiry and research into the miscellaneous phenomena of this world, and the Boundless Chaos in particular, shall continue, but...

...

Well?! Don't tell me that's all you have to say!

...No. To me, my inquiry into Cipher represented the introducton of a new, major challenge into my life. Cipher decks... Gameplay... Which solution is correct, and which is optimal... As yet, I still have found no answers. As such, it is vital that going forward, I collaborate with a broad sample of Cipher players and find an answer...

So what you're saying is, you enjoyed playing Cipher with everyone, and you're gonna keep playing forever!

That, er... Ahem! That's pretty much it.

Cryptic remarks if I ever heard them, but certainly Niamh-ish.

Right, let's keep this going with Poe!

Only a year and a half has passed since I was welcomed to this column, and sadly, in the end our association has been brief. But I was able to have a very fulfilling time with you.

Attending that Winter Comiket thing with all of you, playing the "Recite and Play: Heroes Iroha" card game being sold there... They were very happy days.

And in all of that, I have always been monitoring Niamh...

...

Hee hee... You have been a good girl here, have you not? I do nothing to good girls.

If one of you becomes wicked, at that time I shall... Heh... Heh heh heh heh heh...

So, I pray that we never have an unpleasant reunion, and end my speech. Thank you. This has been Poe!

Heh... Let's keep that warning in mind.

...With that, have all of us spoken?

Tsk tsk... We aren't actually finished just yet! Since this is our last column, allow me to call upon a special guest!

...A guest? Wait, you don't mean...

Ta-daaaaa! Here he is!

Hello, everyone! I am Kawade, the producer of Fire Emblem Cipher.

K-K-KawadeP!

My, what a surprise!

The publication of the final Frontier coincides with, at last, the end-of-March termination of event support for Cipher. So I thought I would share a message for all of our readers and Cipher players.

If you count from when Cipher was first announced, roughly six years have passed. That's a long time, yet it's just flown by... These have been very busy years, but also wonderful ones, absolutely full of memories and events.

In that time we've constantly taken on new challenges - not just the production of Cipher itself, but Twitter content, live broadcasts, and staging events all around Japan.

And through all of that, we've had the chance to meet so many fans of Fire Emblem and Cipher... That was not only the most fun part of all, but a part that made us happy.

Although, we were unfortunately unable to hold any of our planned events for our final year, and for that I am truly sorry to all of you.

Still, we staff stuck with it to the very end, and as a result were able to complete Cipher as a fantastic game that can be played for years and years to come. For that, we are proud of ourselves.

It was thanks to all of you, who kept on supporting us, that we could continue our work to this standard all the way to the final series. I am overcome with gratitude to you all!

Production might have come to an end, but Fire Emblem Cipher will never die! It would make me happy if, every now and then, you might bring your cards out and play with them. Thank you all, truly, for everything!

And that concludes KawadeP's remarks!

Whew!

That, I believe, is everything that we wished to share.

Aye, I've got nothing to add.

So I suppose this is it: the end of the Cipher Frontier's long run.

Er... Shade? Can I say one last thing?

Hm? What is it, Emma?

Thank you for taking the lead in hosting this last one... And thank you so much for all the things you've taught me!

(Emma...)

H-hey! That's enough of that! You're about to make me cry, and that wouldn't be ending this day with a smile, would it?

Heh. I guess not!

So hey, let's give them one last, enthusiastic That Thing before Shade bursts into tears!

Very well, then. That Thing it is! This has been The Cipher Frontier!

With Emma...

Shade...

Yuzu...

Randal...

Alice...

Val...

Niamh...

...and Poe.

Now, then...

Let's do it, everyone!

One...

Two...

CIPHER!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!

...

...

...

...

FIRE EMBLEM CIPHER The Cipher Frontier! With Emma, Shade, Yuzu, Randal, Alice, Val, Niamh & Poe

Emma Emma continues to train in order to become a full-fledged pegasus knight. Her tireless Cipher training also continues, but she has yet to show much improvement at the game.

Shade Veteran mage that she is, Shade continues to teach the next generation. Many seeking to become almighty Cipher players have come to her, only to struggle bitterly under her tutelage - yet at the same time, to Emma and the others, she remains a nurturing guiding hand.

Yuzu Yuzu embarked on a journey of martial training, all the while following whispers of her brother's whereabouts... although evidently, she does return from her travels from time to time, bearing souvenirs, to partake in Cipher matches with all of her friends.

Randal Randal made a truly once-in-a-lifetime wager, only to go into hiding thereafter. Some rumors attest that he won, and that with that windfall he secured for himself a carefree life of quiet leisure in some southern land - others, that he met with a catastrophic loss, and was hence forced into labor in someplace.

Alice Alice's travels continue, as she seeks all the experience that she needs to become a true leader. Although at first she struggled, she grew to thoroughly enjoy it, and so she will persist in her journey without ever taking a break to return home... Or so she tells herself, at least.

Valjean Valjean continues to travel all across the land with his liegelady. Witnessing Alice grow ever stronger and wiser by the day, he cannot help but feel conflicting feelings of joy and loneliness beneath the privacy of his helm.

Niamh Even as she continues in her pursuit of wisdom, Niamh silently carries out research into Cipher. Her seminal monograph, "A Compendium of Cipher Decks," is over 100 volumes in length, and by all accounts is still in print to this day.

Poe Poe vanished in her hunt for evil, and her whereabouts remain unknown. However, according to the afterword of "A Compendium of Cipher Decks," she and Niamh have since fought to the death on many an occasion.

The End...???

[too-lit-for-fanfic]

The Dead Don’t Die; A Review. (Spoilers - it was shit a disappointment)

Hey guys! It’s Roen, one of the owners of this account! I’ve just watched ‘The Dead Don’t Die’, directed by Jim Jarmusch and honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in a film for a long time, and that’s saying something. The star-studded cast was completely wasted, the talented likes of Adam Driver, Bill Murray and Steve Buscemi have some enjoyable scenes, though they were few and far between, and at the best of times barely raised a smile to my face.

Let’s start on a high note, the cops. Genuinely stole the show for me. Driver and Bill Murray? Yes please. They worked so well off each other and the chemistry was really good. The dynamics between their two characters was very refreshing as well, unlike the same bland emotionless voids everyone else (aside from Buscemi) appeared to be. Loved the little nod to Star Wars, the red car scene was probably the best in the movie, actually enjoyable to watch the two with their bits of banter, actually believable characters. Just get rid of the female cop, I’m all for diversity and inclusion, but again; she added nothing to any of the scenes she was in and had little to no chemistry with the other cast. You can’t have the entire set of characters acting nonchalant and then have one just fucking bawling their eyes out all the time. Got annoying real fast. The romance between the female cop and Ronnie (Driver) was not believable at all to me. I think they were aiming for a relationship like Tim and Dawn from the UK The Office but it fell so short. Not a fault of either actor, they did the best they could with the material given, however it just seemed like a pointless side piece left out to dry in the sun for too long.

Steve Buscemi, aka Farmer Miller was probably the best consistent character. I am a massive fan of a Buscemi so that probably has something to do why I liked his performance so much but i believe the little bit of *flavour* to his voice, the passion, the anger, just made the character stand out so much more from the rest. I would have loved to have seen more of his character, he only had like three scenes which was a massive injustice. I feel as if the framing/filming of the movie could have been done so much better than it was. It may just be the directors style but it felt as if there were so many pointless scenes, like the extended amount of silence in the car with the three fucking hippies that amounted to absolutely no character development that didn’t even fucking matter because they died practically the very next scene. It was just so infuriating how so much screen time was wasted on insignificant details (like any scene with the alien, the unneeded bonding between Bill nd the delivery man, the extra bit of the two diner workers just chit chatting, the hippy trio section) when it could have been spent on actually interesting characters like Miller. Also, that hat was comedy gold.

The homeless dude pissed me off to no end. What even was his purpose? He was like some bootleg token The Lorax, wandering about the woods high off of mushrooms commenting on the capitalist ideology of the townsfolk. Did he offer anything to the plot? No. Was he interesting in the least?!for the first five minutes. Could he be removed form the story by a disembodied Martin Freeman voice? Absolutely. I don’t know if this is just the directors style but what the fuck. The last bit on phones and technology and capitalism was such a slap in the face to the audience. Propaganda. Like okay, we’ve payed to sit here and wasted over an hour of our lives to watch one of the most disappointing movies recently released, with fucking Scottish aliens, even though it was marketed as a zombie movie, to be lectured on the usage of technology? Fuck off. Pick a genre and stick to it. So much valuable screen time wasted. I think the problem with this movie in particular was, there was such an abundant cast that the movie couldn’t really spend that much time on any of them, not allowing itself to develop their characters or for the audience to form an actual bond with them. If you are to do this with such a large cast some groups must eventually merge in order to provide a semi coherent story. A big downfall on the directors behalf.

I don’t really have much to say about Bill or Hank. They were okay, bu weren’t given enough screen time for me to actually care about them dying. Their characters needed some more spicing up. I’m not dissing the actors for this though, they matched the tone of the movie very well, some things are just irreparable. Could have been done better, could’ve been done worse. The beginning scene with the delivery man and Bill was unnecessary and devoured valuable screen time, so did the awkward as hell interaction between him and the Selena Gomez character.

I don’t even know who the three teen actors were. I’m not throwing shade, but for such a star studded cast i would of thought all man members would have some notoriety. Maybe they do, please correct me if I’m wrong, I just didn’t recognise them form anything I’d seen. Their acting was alright but the few scenes they had were just so pointless. They added nothing to the story and didn’t influence the plot in anyway; at least the Scottish alien lady inadvertently got the two main characters killed, that was something. Was this part of the political propaganda the film was trying to push? If so it went completely over my head unlike all the other in your face narration. Ate up valuable screen time that could of been spent developing far more interesting characters. What even happened to them anyway? The just sort of ran off screen and that was the last we saw of them. Maybe the director forgot about that side plot, I don’t blame him, they were just as forgettable to the audience.

Don’t even get me started on the fucking.. i don’t even know- Scottish Alien?? I thought this was a zombie movie but okay. She’s literally the token badass that just fucks off in a spaceship after ultimately leading the main characters (the cops) to their death by requesting they meet her there for no apparent reason than to flex she can be free and they can’t. Honestly, personally I think this was just an excuse to subvert expectations and throw a curve ball in there for the audience. I’m sorry but just because something’s shocking or doesn’t necessarily fit doesn’t mean it’s going to wow audiences, plot twists have to make sense. If they don’t it’s just bad writing and incoherent story telling. It was worse than the *subverdion* of Game of Thrones.

Overall it was such a waisted potential and an actual chore to get through. Would not recommend, at all. If you like this film I’m genuinely happy for you and glad you’ve found something else to enjoy. However, I feel that this is the long awaited final nail in the coffin for zombie movies (which is a shame because I love the likes of Shaun of the Dead). No matter how talented the cast, and by-god did they try to make the script work, if you have lousy material and a dead story there’s only so much they can do. As a Brit, however, I do feel it may be partially down to personal preference (although the shady plot and general inconsistencies are universal) particularly in relation to the comedy. Not to be insulting but I think I was expecting more witty/intelligent humour akin to Blacladder of Shaun of the dead, the contrast with the laconic style just really didn’t do it for me. Don’t think I laughed once apart from that red car scene. However if you enjoy that type of humour good on you, it’s just it something I connect with very well.

REVIEW ENDS HERE, BELOW IS MY INTERPRETATION OF EVENTS.

‘Oh it’s easy to throw criticism, I beg you couldn’t have done any better.’ Is an argument I am anticipating, so let me pitch to you my possible plot for the movie. First of all, get rid of the three juveniles in that delinquent-prison - seriously, what the fuck was their purpose in this film? Offered nothing to drive the plot forward, didn’t effect the story, had no even slightly funny scene - and replace their screen time with the buddy-cop-duo of Adam Driver/Ronnie and Bill Murray/Cliff. Just get rid of the female cop, the chemistry was better without her input. Bill and Hank? Had potential but I think they should’ve partnered up with Steve Buscemi’s character Miller to form an unlikely passive aggressive, comedy gold, getting by on the scrape of their teeth, trio. The homeless man, again, had potential. Instead of having him as some fucking narrator with a sociology degree I would have placed him along with the Billy-Hank-Miller trio. There could have been some great scenes filled with tension between Miller and him. Out of town hippy trio? Still a thing, but for two scenes max.

Now that the playing field has been set let’s get into my rendition of the story. We start off in the diner with Harry and Frank watching the news and having some not so friendly banter. Insults based on race, lifestyle and beliefs are thrown (the hat, which was hilarious, stays) to establish character dynamics. Scene ends with Frank/Buscemi leaving the diner as the theme tune begins to play. Cut to Ronnie and Cliff stood in a cell looking over the dead woman, Ronnie’s flippancy should remain whilst Cliff should behave like a much more real human, this adds a conflict of character that the movie only briefly explored. The two are in the midst of passive aggressively talking to one another over the body - Ronnie forgot to call the people to collect it - as a client steps into the station. Cliff engages in conversation with the client who is informing him of Miller/Buscemi and Homeless dude getting into a fight on Miller’s driveway. In the background, Ronnie, in an attempt to hide the dead body, drags it off into the background, horribly failing at subtlety.

Once the client is gone the body is placed in the receptionists chair, to ‘make it look like they got around to hiring that new member of staff’ and the duo drive to the scuffle. In the car they briefly chat about the scientific events occurring with the theme playing in the background, develops the world they’re in and further establishes their dynamics and relationship. Once they arrive Miller and Homeless dude are close to throwing hands, Miller with one chicken in his arm and a shot gun in the other and homeless dude with a skinned animal in his. Ultimate cop duo extinguish the scene with jokes thrown in, homeless dude just fucking slaps Miller with the skinned rabbit, Miller nearly shoots him, that hat gets briefly confiscated by Cliff. Scene ends with the four parting ways, cops in the car, Miller up to his house in search of the rest of his chickens and homeless dude off into the wilderness.

Diner deaths happen, but the lady screaming with the mop is considerably shortened. The following scene with cops pretty much stays the same, except the female officer is no longer present. That tiny red car for the absolute tank that is Adam Driver? Absolute gold we are keeping that. Homeless dude, who had seen the dead the night before absolutely fucking recks the crime scene losing his shit trying the convince Cliff. Ronnies already on board but must maintain the law. Homeless bro gets detained by Ronnie but manages to run off with only one hand cuffed. Immediate cut to Hank talking with Billy about weapons and zombies yada yada yada except this time he’s actually a traumatised old man. As Billy goes on a tangent about zombies I imagine Hank to be like ‘Moose’ played by the old guy in Jumaji: the next level. Completely gormless but hanging off of every word.

Scene at motel happens, along with the amazing line ‘fuck farmer Miller’ delivered perfectly by Murray.

Skip to night time; cop buddy duo set out on the town with a load of guns and other assorted weapons they managed to scrounge up, their mission is to keep the poeple of the town safe, do they succeed? No. Cliff accidentally drives someone over believing them to be a zombie. At the same time Miller, absolutely fuming about his chickens, is off in the woods behind the store Billy and Hank are camping out in in order to catch the homeless dude in the act of skinning a chicken. Billy and Hank have completely boarded up the front door but unlike in the film, they realise there’s a back door because Miller comes bursting through searching for another shot gun, the undead right on his trial. The trio officially buddy up, gather weapons and set off into the woods, absolutely shit but sumultaneously amazing fight scene ensues as they make their way out of the town.

Our unfortunate trio stumble across homeless guy literally eating one of Millers chickens in the woods. Miller tries to shoot him but is stopped. Banter is tossed, a mini argument happens, everyone has some chicken (Miller begrudgingly). We cut bsck to the cops who now discover the hippy trio dead at the motel, that scene is the same. Cutting back; At the prospect of teaming up Miller throws his chicken away and stomps off into the woods, Billy and Hank following. Homeless dude chases them and attaches himself with the one free hand cuff to Miller. He now has to come.

At some point Cliff absolutely totals the car, I’m not against keeping the zombies in wheels scene. And the two cops are backed into the graveyard. The amazing four are already there struggling to survive. Miller and homeless man keep trying to run in different directions and falling over, Frank has no idea what to do with a pair of branch cutters, Billy is far too happy to be able to finally use his vintage sword that turns out to be pretty shit in the end. Fight scene ensues.

Miller and homeless dude are the first to go, they couldn’t get along if their lives depended on it, which it did. The group scramble and in the process the pair can’t make up their minds. They die arguing. Something along the lines of ‘thank god for that’ but funnier is said by someone idk who. The next to go is Billy. His flimsy sword actually brakes and he’s left weaponless. Hank goes next, he’s been bit and Murray has to shoot him. I picture the scene from Shaun of the Dead, with Ronnie telling Cliff he has to shoot him.

The final scene is when Cliff and Ronnie finally reach another town, beaten up and evidently bruised. The only problem is, the towns already been overrun. The two share one last exasperated look before they charge in to battle, the screen fading to black as the theme song plays. Akin to the ending of Balckadder season 4 But less emotional.

(I know it’s not perfect but by god it’s not any worse than the actual fucking film. If anyone else has any thoughts or ways they think the story should have progressed please message me! I’d love to hear what you guys think!)

[lizwontcry]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Big Bang Theory (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Penny Characters: Sheldon Cooper, Penny (Big Bang Theory), Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz Additional Tags: penny being pregnant is utter bullshat, so here is my answer to that Summary:

The baby isn't Leonard's.

While the light is still red, Sheldon leans in and kisses Penny gently. She feels an interesting sensation in her belly as his lips meet with hers, and she is hopeful that there will be a lot more kisses like that in her future.

For Sheldon's fortieth birthday, he and Amy throw a huge party and invite everyone they know. With their Nobel Prize money, they have cash to spend on this affair, which they host at a luxurious mid-century modern beach house in Los Angeles (obviously this was all Amy's idea and Sheldon reluctantly went along with it). Raj mans the grill, providing hot dogs and hamburgers, and there is plenty of alcohol available to enjoy as well--Penny makes sure of that, although she does not imbibe herself--for obvious reasons.

"Are you having fun, Mama?" Bernadette asks Penny, after doing three tequila shots in a row with Amy while Penny watches with increasing jealousy.

"Of course! I love seeing my friends getting drunk and then almost drowning in the pool," Penny says, and Bernie laughs too loudly.

"I'll toast to that!" Amy says, doing one more shot than Penny would have advised.

Kripke and Bert are in the corner of the pool arguing about the season finale of Game of Thrones, and Leonard and Wolowitz are watching some Youtube video of the latest particle physics discovery on the patio, preferring to stay in the shade until absolutely necessary.

Penny is sitting by the side of the pool, surveying the action, happy for her friends and the fun they're having. She is also trying not to think about ruining most of their lives with one small sentence, which will have to be done sooner rather than later.

Sheldon extracts himself from Amy for a few minutes and comes over to sit by Penny. They both put their legs in the water. Penny briefly touches Sheldon's toe with hers, which makes him twitch a little. Penny laughs. She knows how much he hates other people's feet.

"Happy birthday, sweetie. I hope you're having fun."

"It's not the worst party I've ever been to," Sheldon admits. "Although I'd much rather be eating Thai food at home while watching--"

"The new Spiderman Blu-Ray, we all know, babe," Penny says. She loves her weirdo friend.

"Yes, that's correct." Sheldon takes a sip of the spiked lemonade Wolowitz made. Penny does enjoy a semi-drunk Sheldon. That's how they got into this mess in the first place.

"So I suppose you haven't told Leonard yet," Sheldon says, looking across the pool at Leonard, who is now eating a hot dog while playing volleyball with Howard. Penny has never been less attracted to him.

"Oh, yeah, I told him last night and he took it really well. He can't wait to raise your baby and co-parent with you and Amy. He's over the moon."

"Sarcasm?" Sheldon asks.

"Yes, Sheldon. Obviously I haven't told him yet. I wanted to wait until after this party. He's so happy right now--he thinks he's going to be a daddy and he never stops talking about it. This baby was going to give him the chance to raise a child the direct opposite of how his mother raised him."

"Why would he want to do that? Beverly is a perfect mother," Sheldon says, and Penny ignores him.

"Anyway. I'll tell him tomorrow night. Are you ready to stick with the plan? I'm not putting my ass on the line if you're going to chicken out."

For a brief moment, Sheldon puts his arm around Penny and she rests her head on his shoulder. This public display of affection is not a good idea, but nobody is watching them, and Penny can always explain that Sheldon was expressing his newfound happiness for her pregnancy if anyone asks.

"I'm ready. Amy thinks I'm going to a conference in Colorado next week and that's why I've been packing in advance."

Penny nods. "Good. But... you don't have to do this, you know. I realize this isn't how you imagined your life turning out. I can deal with it on my own."

"Of course I know that, Penny. And yes, this is not optimal. I made a vow to Amy and I planned to uphold it for as long as I lived, but things change. Now that I've won the Nobel, I find that I am amenable to other possible outcomes. You are carrying my child, and I am committed to you and the baby. We can make this work."

Penny smiles. "We can. I know we can. Have you figured out how you're going to explain this to your mother yet?"

"No. I can't even picture how she's going to react. There's no telling what Jesus is going to think of my actions but I'm sure I'll find out soon." Sheldon sighs and Penny feels the familiar ache of how their lives are going to change so drastically and how many people it's going to affect. "I have to return to Amy now. You are going to tell him tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Penny promises, dreading every single second leading up to her telling Leonard that she is actually having Sheldon's baby.

"Then I'll be ready tomorrow," Sheldon says, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. He takes his shiny alabaster legs out of the pool and walks away to find his wife. Penny watches him closely. Although she occasionally had feelings for Sheldon in the last 12 years since they've first met, of course she didn't think they'd end up together. But it feels... kind of right? She doesn't love him, exactly. Not yet. She's hoping that will come after all the guilt from cheating on Leonard with his best friend, and taking her best friend's husband from her, has dissipated somewhat. It's right there on the surface--part of her thinks she's been falling in love with him one small moment at a time for a while now--at least ever since they went shopping together and Sheldon came out looking like a snack in that black suit of his. That's when Penny realized he was way more than a socially awkward comic book nerd.

Penny gets in the pool and swims over to Leonard, who offers her half his hot dog, which she takes gratefully--she's eating for two now. Bernadette joins Howard at the volleyball net and they play together, couple against couple, not knowing that there will be one couple less in the next 24 hours or so.

24 HOURS LATER

Telling him now. Meet you outside in hour. - P

Fine. See you then. - S

It’s about 8:13 PM on a Sunday night. They just had dinner--Leonard made a lovely meal of roasted chicken and mashed potatoes, which Penny had been craving for a week. Leonard is sitting at his desk, writing a grant proposal (or something, Penny isn’t really paying attention) and listening to a TED talk. In other words, just like every other Sunday night Penny can remember in the last couple years. She has no idea what Sunday nights with Sheldon is going to entail, but she’s definitely ready to find out.

This would all be so much easier if she went with her first plan, which was to leave Leonard a note and never speak to him again. But Sheldon vehemently disagreed with that method and convinced her to tell Leonard the truth in person. Penny hopes Sheldon’s inherent goodness will rub off on her.

“Hon? I have something to tell you,” Penny says. She’s sitting in Sheldon’s spot on the couch.

“One second, let me finish this sentence…” Leonard says. Penny waits at least two minutes before Leonard turns around. “Okay! What’s up? Is the baby kicking again?”

“No, that’s not it. But it does have to do with the baby. Um, remember that night when Sheldon and I went out for some drinks and then I came home and was too drunk to, you know… do it with you?”

“Yes… of course I do. The week before is when we made that baby. And as I recall, we haven’t ‘done it’ since then.”

Penny nods. The ever-present guilt is starting to make her a little queasy. The questions she asks herself over and over, day and night, are stacking up again--how could I do this to him? He loves me so much and I cheated on him. I’m the worst wife ever. And the like. Penny has always known her morals have been questionable. In a way, she’s not even surprised this happened. Her relationship with Leonard was bound to derail eventually, just because she is the way she is. This is what she thinks in her darker moments--most of the time she’s able to at least justify it enough to make the guilt go away for a while. But that’s not happening tonight. Most likely tomorrow she'll wake up and her other dominant feeling will take over--that she deserves this baby, that her marriage has been a disaster from the beginning, that Leonard cheated on her before they even got married... you know, that kind of thing.

“Well. Sheldon and I had a good time that night. We laughed a lot. He drank more than I’ve ever seen him drink. He was telling me about winning the Nobel Prize and Amy and the problems they’re having in their marriage, and I did the same…”

Leonard looks--well, he looks a lot of things. A bit hurt, a bit confused, a bit angry. He’s going to be a lot more of those things in a few minutes.

“Why would you tell him about our issues? We barely even have any. You know I don’t want to go around telling our friends everything.”

Penny resists the urge to roll her eyes. They have plenty of issues that her pregnancy was just going to provide a band-aid for; before she got pregnant they'd fight every couple of days about both the little things and the big things. From how Penny never takes the trash out to how Leonard doesn't want Penny to audition for anything because he thought her acting days were over. They fought about that one a lot.

She doesn't argue with him on this point, though, because she's the one currently at fault here. "I know. But I was drunk, and I was in a mood. Well, something happened. Something you aren’t going to like. I made a mistake. Sheldon and I both made a mistake. When we got in the car to drive back to the apartment, we sort of… ended up in the parking lot of the Pasadena Public Library. And…” Penny doesn’t know how to finish this sentence. It’s so bad. It’s so so bad.

Leonard has started to figure out that his worst nightmare may be coming true at this exact moment. “And what? You checked out some books and went home?”

“No. It was dark and rainy and we were both drunk. One of us kissed the other. Then we got in the backseat and things… happened.”

“What are you telling me, Penny? Because surely you aren’t saying that Sheldon got you pregnant? That would be utterly ridiculous.”

Penny stares at the floor. She’s glad she already moved most of her stuff into the car so she wouldn’t have to stick around much longer. Can she leave now? Does Leonard have all the information yet?

It turns out he has a lot more to say. Penny listens to Leonard yell, and cry, and accuse, and say all the mean things she knows are true. He deserves to let it all out, she thinks. He deserves a better wife, and she deserves a better husband. They were never right for one another--just because they lived across the hall from each other doesn't mean they are soul mates. It just means they lived across the hall from each other.

While he goes on and on, Penny thinks about how she used to love Leonard at one point in her life--it seems like a long time ago, but she wasn’t always dissatisfied and bored with their marriage. She should have done something about it instead of ending up in a backseat with Sheldon, but… it happened. Things can change so quickly.

“I’m going to leave now,” Penny says when Leonard has finally run out of things to say. Leonard doesn’t argue with her. Instead, he ignores her completely, which she actually prefers. She gets her purse and a few other things from her room, and leaves the past behind.

Sheldon is waiting for her in the lobby. They hurry to her car, and once Penny has driven a mile or so, she stops at a red light. She turns to him and is surprised to see that Sheldon is smiling. Like, a real, actual, human smile.

"How did she take it?"

"Not well, I'm afraid. I believe she's writing you several angry texts or emails as we speak." Penny knows there's a lot more to the story, and that Sheldon is devastated in his own way. Amy was the first love of his life. She hates what Amy is about to go through, but there's no turning back now.

"That reminds me..." Penny says. She lowers the window and throws her phone out of it. It lands with a satisfying thud on the road.

Sheldon, without even thinking about it, does the same with his phone. Penny is shocked but delighted.

"This is the new me. The 40-year-old father of a new baby. The 40-year-old husband of Penny. The 40-year-old Nobel Prize winning scientist. I like the sound of that," Sheldon says. Penny laughs. She can fall in love with this Sheldon. This is a much different version of the 20-something she met for the first time who proudly showed her his whiteboards so long ago. This is the man she may, in fact, spend the rest of her life with--and that doesn't scare her or bore her to tears when she thinks about the prospect.

While the light is still red, Sheldon leans in and kisses Penny gently. She feels an interesting sensation in her belly as his lips meet with hers, and she is hopeful that there will be a lot more kisses like that in her future.

"Let's do this," Penny says. Sheldon nods, and as the light turns green, they drive into their future.

[aion-rsa]

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 5 Review: The Chamber of Judgement

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This What We Do in the Shadows review contains spoilers.

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 5

The vampires get back to their official duties on What We Do in the Shadows  season 3 episode 5 “The Chamber of Judgement.” Nandor (Kayvan Novak) and Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) are poised to take the throne at the center of the judicial altar in the subbasement office of the Vampiric Council. They poise for quite a while. So long, in fact, it becomes unjudicial.

The battle over the top seat in the council is as petty as it is essential to the proceedings. One of the unsaid traits of the undead on What We Do in the Shadows is the vampires, besides never aging physically, don’t really seem to age emotionally or intellectually. They love their toys, any sense of ritual, glitz or shiny things in general. In the opening episode, Nandor couldn’t get enough creepy paper. When the rogue vampires declared independence from interpretive dance, Nadja made it a specific point from which they would never be freed. She is proven correct as the dance which opens The Ceremony of Judgment is cosmically confusing but comically utilitarian. The seat at the throne means a lot, but familiar-turned-bodyguard Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) wins the childish game of king of the kill by a default of his own.

I am absolutely enthralled by the relationship between Guillermo and the floating vampire Dark Shade (Kristen Schaal). Sometimes it appears like she’s flirting, sometimes she’s threatening. Sometimes the threats are sexy, and most of the threatened sex is downright dangerous. Dark Shade is throwing off some heavy vibes. Shaun (Anthony Atamanuik), who is Laszlo’s (Matt Berry) best human friend, thinks Nandor and Guillermo are lovers. But he also thinks Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) is either related to “Robinson Caruso” or is lost in space, and that an advertisement on a box is a legally binding document.

We have to wonder if Shaun ever really got over the brain-scramblies from last season. He seems a little too open to too much, and it may be a case of post-double-hypnosis trauma. In “The Casino,” it appears he’s just got a gambling problem. He drops everything he’s got, and when Laszlo stakes his losses, Shaun still puts it all on one number at a roulette game.

This week, during “boys only night,” Shaun steals the underwhelming thunder of the great psychic vampire himself, Colin Robinson. What could be more soul-sucking than a garage full of Guy Pillows? They’re a knockoff of a brand which has been keeping people awake for years. It’s a good thing Laszlo doesn’t use a pillow, he’s nowhere near ready to be woke, even if he does wear an old lady’s wig to court.

Read more

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“The Chamber of Judgement” balances the scales of justice between the human world and the vampire one unevenly because there is a vampire at each undue process. While Laszlo tips the scales in favor of the wrong party in the Guy Pillow slumber fest, he bites off more than he can chew at the Vampire Court. Nandor and Nadja, with the whispering human Guillermo in the hot seat, debate the fate of misguided bloodsuckers. It’s pretty much a coin toss. Convinced to give leniency to one vampire, who was selling fake pills which were supposed to keep vampires safe in the sun, the next must die a horrible death. The only fate which is worse would be selling The Guy Pillows door to door, which is too much for even Shaun, who gets sued over it.

The human court is Small Claims court, but to Laszlo, there are no small claims, only grand entrances. The age-old vampire recalls, in his far too distant past, he was a barrister of some kind, at least he had been trained in the laws of law. What makes it all so fittingly real is how he came upon this knowledge: from necessity. He had to defend himself on numerous occasions, usually relating to some kind of obscenity charge. When Nadja later congratulates Laszlo on his first courtroom win, we realize he’s lost all of these historic cases. Why this comes as no surprise is somehow surprising. Laszlo also thought “boys-only night” meant a circle jerk. But it seems Laszlo sentences Derek to a life with Laszlo. While the former Mosquito Club member may represent a new low in vampire stupidity, I’d like to see Laszlo in a Hot Topic.

The “fucking guide” bit is classic. It is a line only Nandor can deliver. “Fucking guy” is almost his catchphrase on the show, and the twist on it is something which wouldn’t be out of place in a TV sitcom from the 1980s. What makes it stand out is the language. It plumbs similar, though opposing, comic deliveries which South Park mines through bleeping, but the nonchalance of the transposition stays with you. It’s like changing your name from Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome to Gabby the Dreadfully Loathsome, the little things make the difference.

“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law,” the vampires are advised by HR. It is good for team building. Anything goes in the chambers, but usually on Thursdays because it’s tiring to keep up all week long. Colin really should put in an appearance. He’s certainly not getting any satisfaction tonight. The crunching, squealing removal of the throne would have at least provided a quick pick-me-up to the angst-hungry vampire. Colin’s Miss Honeycrunch Mystery game gets hijacked, he is quickly demoted from window to door when the game is on TV, and he never gets closure from a work layoff story. Even his squeaky off-key Yoda thing only gets a “that’s funny” from Laszlo. The psychic vampire has been drinking empties for a few episodes now. It must be part of the preparations for the season-closing birthday celebrations.

Written by William Meny and directed by Kyle Newacheck, “The Chamber of Judgement” weighs heavily in What We Do in the Shadows’ favor. We’ve had our fill of the neighbors, and the energy vampire needs an inspiration infusion, but Nadja’s intolerance, Nandor’s indecisiveness, and Laszlo’s indiscretions overrule the objections.

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What We Do in the Shadows‘ “The Chamber of Judgement” aired Sept. 23 at 10:00 p.m. on FX.

The post What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 5 Review: The Chamber of Judgement appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[sleepingfancies]

Wait, what do the spoilers say? How does Dany die? Is it complete BS?

Oh, everything about it is bad. What terrifies me most about these leaks is that while some of it is absolute bullshit and doesn’t make any sense, other parts… actually seem plausible. Making them the most dangerous, potentially true leaks I’ve read so far. I’m putting the fates of other characters besides Dany under the cut so you may read at your discretion, or not, if you choose. And because I have no self-restraint and desperately need to vent.

Dany: Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, badass bitch of Westeros gets taken out by… drumroll… childbirth. Yep. You heard that right. Jon’s magic dick impregnates her and she winds up getting mutilated beyond repair in labor, because of course she does. So Varys takes pity on her and stabs her in the heart. Isn’t that just swell? Our wonderful Dany, our last Targaryen (let’s ignore Jon for a minute) dies via the biggest “gotcha” cliche women in medieval-based fantasy face. Oh, and post death? Her body is captured by Lannister soldiers and taken to King’s Landing to be strung up as crow fodder. And on top of that, Euron Greyjoy remarks on how she’s still fuckable even in death. A perfectly misogynistic way for the former figurehead of feminism in Game of Thrones to die. Because this is Douchebag&Dickhead, after all. Which concerns me, because this is absolutely something they’d do without book material to work off of.

NOTE!!!!: These spoilers have NOT, I repeat, NOT been proven true. They are simply the leaks I read most recently. Take these with a shot of vodka and pray they are proven fake.

Arya: This one is the most believable of all. In the very end, Arya finds Nymeria and swears off Westeros, and it is implied she returns to Braavos or another of the Free Cities, her last line being “Valar Morghulis.” It is also implied she survives and is out there being a Faceless Man, not Arya Stark of Winterfell. It’s a bit painful to imagine our little Arya has lost and seen so much she doesn’t want to be Arya anymore, but at least she finally has Nymeria.

Bran (RIP): Ah, everyone’s favorite Greenseer. Yeah, little ole’ Bran gets stabbed to death by White Walkers, Jojen style, after Meera sacrifices herself trying to save him. Fitting, right? Douchebag&Dickhead (admittedly, like the rest of us) couldn’t figure out what the hell Bran’s purpose was beyond telling Jon he’s Rhaegar and Lyanna’s son. So after that happens… well, just kill him, I guess. The kicker being that because this little shit dies and can’t warg into a dragon to save everyone else, they lose Winterfell! Again! So everyone has to retreat to the Vale or Dragonstone. Good job, Bran.

Sansa: Oh boy, this one. My homegirl Sansa eventually goes back to Winterfell and reigns as Queen in the North and Lady of the Vale (woot woot!)… beside Gendry. Record scratch, freeze frame – what? She marries Gendry? The only boy who made Arya go dewey-eyed?? Yep. According to these leaks, their “chemistry” begins in episode 4 of Season 8 (out of only 6 episodes in this season lmao) and results in them getting married, meaning they take over Storm’s End as well. Because naturally Sansa had to come full circle from marrying a supposed Baratheon who was actually a Lannister bastard, to marrying a supposed bastard who was actually a legitimate Baratheon. Apparently Douchebag&Dickhead may have totally forgotten characterization in favor of “cool twists” and “roundabout endings.”

Theon (RIP): After all that redemption arc, bonding with his sister, etc. Theon dies via axe in the chest by Euron Greyjoy. But not just randomly - he sacrifices himself so Asha Yara can escape and go to battle alongside Jon. Which… is another concerning plot, because it actually seems plausible. Theon’s arc is greatly centered on bravery - or lack thereof - and loyalty. It would be… fitting, to say the least, for him to allow Asha Yara time to escape by fighting Euron himself, even knowing he couldn’t possibly outfight him. RIP Theon, even if this is the case, you deserved better.

Brienne (RIP): Okay, so. Get a load of this bullshit. While defending the Vale (aka Sansa) from White Walkers, she gets stabbed and dies. I mean honestly how likely is it that Brienne of fucking Tarth is going to die getting stabbed by some bitch ass White Walker? You’re telling me Brienne of mother. fucking. Tarth dies the same way Bran-who-can’t-move-and-didn’t-see-it-coming does? Anyway, whatever. The leaks say she dies in Jaime’s arms, after telling him he’s a good man, a few scenes after they shared a very romantic sex scene (the only good thing about this being they might acknowledge they love each other).

Cersei (RIP): For some reason?? She doesn’t die?? By one of her little brothers as the prophecy foretold?? The prophecy that has insofar been completely correct (her children dying before her, being betrayed by a family member, etc.) Nah, instead Arya kills Qyburn and wears his face as a mask, a la Frey slaughter style, and poisons her. So Cersei is out here dying of poison when she commands the Mountain to kill Arya (sidenote: the Hound is with Arya pretty much all of this season, which is also possibly true), Cleganebowl ensues, the Mountain is killed, Cersei dies. Euron Greyjoy (who was married to her at this point or whatever bullshit that was) becomes King of the Seven Kingdoms. It worries me because Cleganebowl is almost a guarantee, and the fact that’s in this “script” which is so god fucking awful is extremely concerning but whatever. We’ll see I guess.

Jaime, Jorah, The Hound, Jon, Drogon (RIP x5): All these bitches die in the same scene, by the same fate. Lmao. Because of course they do. They fight Euron in the Dragonpit and mortally wound him, cool, and then Drogon like a little bitch spews a bunch of fire everywhere because he got fatally wounded too and the whole place starts to shake. So then Euron is like “oh by the way there’s about 2,000 pots of Wildfire under this arena so you’re fucked” and they all die in one massive explosion. I’m not joking. That’s the end. Jaime, Jorah, The Hound, Jon, and a fucking jet sized dragon die because Euron planted a bomb beneath a gladiator pit, somehow preemptively knowing the final battle would take place there. What the fuck? What the fuck.

Davos: Dude just goes home. Fuck it. He’s had enough. He’s like 70, what’s he got to lose? After Jon and co. die he’s like “you know what sounds good right now? Going home to my wife and thinking about my dead sons. Maybe throwing out these lucky finger bones” and he’s outtie. No questions asked.

Samwell: He marries Gilly, which everyone expected, so I’m sort of vibing that that’s a legitimate leak. Sam inherits the Reach, whatever, cool. Apparently when Gilly announces she’s pregnant with his child, he says if it’s a boy he wants to name it Jon. Actually a pretty sweet touch, it’s like the only part of this satan sperm of a script that has my stamp of approval.

Tyrion: Tyrion and Missandei hook up. I just… don’t ask me why. Somewhere along the line Grey Worm died and these two found a romantic spark off-screen I guess because I don’t know how the fuck they would end up together otherwise. Tyrion is the Regent and Missandei is the wet nurse (I don’t think D&D know how wet nurses work) to none other than… Lyanna Targaryen. Yep. Remember that magical Targcest baby? It’s here, it’s 3 years old, it’s a girl, and it’s on the Iron Throne. And no shade on the baby, but it reeks of bullshit. Anyway, Tyrion is given Casterly Rock to control as well as being the Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, and his last line is “if you play the Game of Thrones, little Lyanna, you win or you die.” Because that’s totally something Tyrion would say. I’m so fucking exhausted.

Bronn: The only other part of this script that has my approval? Bronn gets a little shout out at the end, when Lyanna asks who rules Dorne now. Tyrion says “one of Oberyn’s daughters, beside a man who always dreamed of owning a castle.” Way to go Bronn. You ducked the bullshit and got your goddamn castle. I applaud you, sir.

So yeah anyway if these leaks are true Season 8 is gonna be a damn mess lmao bye I’m angry

[dfroza]

Today’s reading in the ancient book of Psalms and Proverbs

for monday, march 9 of 2020 with Psalm 9 and Proverbs 9, accompanied by Psalm 80 for the 80th day of Winter and Psalm 69 for day 69 of the year

[Psalm 9]

A David Psalm

I’m thanking you, God, from a full heart,

I’m writing the book on your wonders.

I’m whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy;

I’m singing your song, High God.

The day my enemies turned tail and ran,

they stumbled on you and fell on their faces.

You took over and set everything right;

when I needed you, you were there, taking charge.

You blow the whistle on godless nations;

you throw dirty players out of the game,

wipe their names right off the roster.

Enemies disappear from the sidelines,

their reputation trashed,

their names erased from the halls of fame.

God holds the high center,

he sees and sets the world’s mess right.

He decides what is right for us earthlings,

gives people their just deserts.

God’s a safe-house for the battered,

a sanctuary during bad times.

The moment you arrive, you relax;

you’re never sorry you knocked.

Sing your songs to Zion-dwelling God,

tell his stories to everyone you meet:

How he tracks down killers

yet keeps his eye on us,

registers every whimper and moan.

Be kind to me, God;

I’ve been kicked around long enough.

Once you’ve pulled me back

from the gates of death,

I’ll write the book on Hallelujahs;

on the corner of Main and First

I’ll hold a street meeting;

I’ll be the song leader; we’ll fill the air

with salvation songs.

They’re trapped, those godless countries,

in the very snares they set,

Their feet all tangled

in the net they spread.

They have no excuse;

the way God works is well-known.

The cunning machinery made by the wicked

has maimed their own hands.

The wicked bought a one-way

ticket to hell.

No longer will the poor be nameless—

no more humiliation for the humble.

Up, God! Aren’t you fed up with their empty strutting?

Expose these grand pretensions!

Shake them up, God!

Show them how silly they look.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 9 (The Message)

[Proverbs 9]

[Lady Wisdom Gives a Dinner Party]

Lady Wisdom has built and furnished her home;

it’s supported by seven hewn timbers.

The banquet meal is ready to be served: lamb roasted,

wine poured out, table set with silver and flowers.

Having dismissed her serving maids,

Lady Wisdom goes to town, stands in a prominent place,

and invites everyone within sound of her voice:

“Are you confused about life, don’t know what’s going on?

Come with me, oh come, have dinner with me!

I’ve prepared a wonderful spread—fresh-baked bread,

roast lamb, carefully selected wines.

Leave your impoverished confusion and live!

Walk up the street to a life with meaning.”

If you reason with an arrogant cynic, you’ll get slapped in the face;

confront bad behavior and get a kick in the shins.

So don’t waste your time on a scoffer;

all you’ll get for your pains is abuse.

But if you correct those who care about life,

that’s different—they’ll love you for it!

Save your breath for the wise—they’ll be wiser for it;

tell good people what you know—they’ll profit from it.

Skilled living gets its start in the Fear-of-God,

insight into life from knowing a Holy God.

It’s through me, Lady Wisdom, that your life deepens,

and the years of your life ripen.

Live wisely and wisdom will permeate your life;

mock life and life will mock you.

[Madame Whore Calls Out, Too]

Then there’s this other woman, Madame Whore—

brazen, empty-headed, frivolous.

She sits on the front porch

of her house on Main Street,

And as people walk by minding

their own business, calls out,

“Are you confused about life, don’t know what’s going on?

Steal off with me, I’ll show you a good time!

No one will ever know—I’ll give you the time of your life.”

But they don’t know about all the skeletons in her closet,

that all her guests end up in hell.

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 9 (The Message)

[Psalm 80]

An Asaph Psalm

Listen, Shepherd, Israel’s Shepherd—

get all your Joseph sheep together.

Throw beams of light

from your dazzling throne

So Ephraim, Benjamin, and Manasseh

can see where they’re going.

Get out of bed—you’ve slept long enough!

Come on the run before it’s too late.

God, come back!

Smile your blessing smile:

That will be our salvation.

God, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,

how long will you smolder like a sleeping volcano

while your people call for fire and brimstone?

You put us on a diet of tears,

bucket after bucket of salty tears to drink.

You make us look ridiculous to our friends;

our enemies poke fun day after day.

God-of-the-Angel-Armies, come back!

Smile your blessing smile:

That will be our salvation.

Remember how you brought a young vine from Egypt,

cleared out the brambles and briers

and planted your very own vineyard?

You prepared the good earth,

you planted her roots deep;

the vineyard filled the land.

Your vine soared high and shaded the mountains,

even dwarfing the giant cedars.

Your vine ranged west to the Sea,

east to the River.

So why do you no longer protect your vine?

Trespassers pick its grapes at will;

Wild pigs crash through and crush it,

and the mice nibble away at what’s left.

God-of-the-Angel-Armies, turn our way!

Take a good look at what’s happened

and attend to this vine.

Care for what you once tenderly planted—

the vine you raised from a shoot.

And those who dared to set it on fire—

give them a look that will kill!

Then take the hand of your once-favorite child,

the child you raised to adulthood.

We will never turn our back on you;

breathe life into our lungs so we can shout your name!

God, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, come back!

Smile your blessing smile:

That will be our salvation.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 80 (The Message)

[Psalm 69]

A David Psalm

God, God, save me!

I’m in over my head,

Quicksand under me, swamp water over me;

I’m going down for the third time.

I’m hoarse from calling for help,

Bleary-eyed from searching the sky for God.

I’ve got more enemies than hairs on my head;

Sneaks and liars are out to knife me in the back.

What I never stole

Must I now give back?

God, you know every sin I’ve committed;

My life’s a wide-open book before you.

Don’t let those who look to you in hope

Be discouraged by what happens to me,

Dear Lord! God of the armies!

Don’t let those out looking for you

Come to a dead end by following me—

Please, dear God of Israel!

Because of you I look like an idiot,

I walk around ashamed to show my face.

My brothers shun me like a bum off the street;

My family treats me like an unwanted guest.

I love you more than I can say.

Because I’m madly in love with you,

They blame me for everything they dislike about you.

When I poured myself out in prayer and fasting,

All it got me was more contempt.

When I put on a sad face,

They treated me like a clown.

Now drunks and gluttons

Make up drinking songs about me.

And me? I pray.

God, it’s time for a break!

God, answer in love!

Answer with your sure salvation!

Rescue me from the swamp,

Don’t let me go under for good,

Pull me out of the clutch of the enemy;

This whirlpool is sucking me down.

Don’t let the swamp be my grave, the Black Hole

Swallow me, its jaws clenched around me.

Now answer me, God, because you love me;

Let me see your great mercy full-face.

Don’t look the other way; your servant can’t take it.

I’m in trouble. Answer right now!

Come close, God; get me out of here.

Rescue me from this deathtrap.

You know how they kick me around—

Pin on me the donkey’s ears, the dunce’s cap.

I’m broken by their taunts,

Flat on my face, reduced to a nothing.

I looked in vain for one friendly face. Not one.

I couldn’t find one shoulder to cry on.

They put poison in my soup,

Vinegar in my drink.

Let their supper be bait in a trap that snaps shut;

May their best friends be trappers who’ll skin them alive.

Make them become blind as bats,

Give them the shakes from morning to night.

Let them know what you think of them,

Blast them with your red-hot anger.

Burn down their houses,

Leave them desolate with nobody at home.

They gossiped about the one you disciplined,

Made up stories about anyone wounded by God.

Pile on the guilt,

Don’t let them off the hook.

Strike their names from the list of the living;

No rock-carved honor for them among the righteous.

I’m hurt and in pain;

Give me space for healing, and mountain air.

Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,

Let me tell his greatness in a prayer of thanks.

For God, this is better than oxen on the altar,

Far better than blue-ribbon bulls.

The poor in spirit see and are glad—

Oh, you God-seekers, take heart!

For God listens to the poor,

He doesn’t walk out on the wretched.

You heavens, praise him; praise him, earth;

Also ocean and all things that swim in it.

For God is out to help Zion,

Rebuilding the wrecked towns of Judah.

Guess who will live there—

The proud owners of the land?

No, the children of his servants will get it,

The lovers of his name will live in it.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 69 (The Message)

[anneedmonsonus]

Our Cladding Makeover Reveal

Don’t fall off your chair. Today I finally have a reveal for you! Our before and after of our Scyon Walls elevation makeover, where we overclad the exterior of our double brick 1970s house.

Yep, it’s been a while. If this is your first time to my blog, welcome! Basically we decided to overclad our existing double brick and rendered (poorly rendered!) three bedroom 1978 house, which once upon a time we named The Crap Shack. Originally our house was that 70s dark red-brown brick – you’ve probably seen a million of their type around. Here’s the house back then! The wisteria was its only saving grace (and sadly it died).

The brick wasn’t terrible but it was very dark and heavy and such a strong colour, so when we bought the house nine years ago we decided to do a budget refresh and Mr Nerd and I rendered it ourselves using a render product with the paint mixed in.

It definitely brightened it up for the interim but after a while it looked a bit shabby and we were just thinking about how we could modernise and update it when the opportunity to work with Scyon Walls came along. We chose Scyon Walls Axon and Stria panels with a feature wall done in cedar paneling and now we love how the house looks.

NOW

What we initially envisioned would be a relatively straightforward project extrapolated into a project more complicated and time-consuming than we had first thought (this is basically the storyline of every single Grand Designs episode ever made). We were okay with that – it’s just less blog-friendly!

I probably sound like I am whinging but for once in my life, I am genuinely not! Our 1978 house was just at that age where a lot of things needed upgrades (like new gutters and a new carport) and Mr Nerd and I are both of similar mind – when we do something to the house now, it’s like well, we might as well do it properly. So we’d rather save up and do it right. Don’t forget, our house was built in the 70s and had long been a rental property with the bare minimum carried out on it for years before we got our hands on it – she was overdue an upgrade in almost every area. We plan to be here a while longer and it felt like one thing led to another thing:

Ripping off the old crummy, leaking carport meant having to save up for and get a new carport.

Installing new gutters, downpipes and fascias meant waiting for council to install new underground power as they needed to cap the existing electrical lines running into the house through the fascias.

Cutting and knocking down the funny brick wall on the side of the house meant having to buy a gate to go there instead. (Who knew nice gates were so expensive? I did not).

It was all worth it. I love Scyon’s products and I’m grateful and glad we did it. I would use cladding again in a heartbeat if we were renovating another older home (or use it in a new-build if I were building). Not only have we improved the way the exterior of our home looks, but how it functions (new double carport, extended driveway, extra parking bay, walled-in garage, new patio and deck etc). But I am laughing at my naïve former self who thought we could redesign our elevation, hire contractors to the do the install, paint, add a new carport, add a new back patio and decking, do hardscaping down the sides of the house, pour a new driveway, landscape, tidy it all up and shoot in the space of four months. I think sometimes I live in blogger-land rather than reality, and I not only have an overinflated, optimistic sense of my own abilities but also a propensity to naturally underestimate how long things will take. Mr Nerd is the more practical one.

THAT SAID. Doing this kind of project in a four month time frame would definitely not be impossible. Your project could be WAY more straightforward than ours was. But we were restricted by time and budget – not to mention the minor issue of another pregnancy (another delightful HG pregnancy) and a newborn baby (babies so rudely throw a spanner in your renovation plans) to add into the mix of an existing toddler, a needy dog, work, life, Game of Thrones etc. Ugh, and one contractor who we hired towards the end of the project (unrelated to the cladding). I won’t tell you the whole story because it’s such an energy drain (maybe one day I’ll share) but we ended up having to pay for another company to rip out their work and redo the whole job. We did have other contractors who were great – I’ve put their details at the end of the post.

You can find all my old posts about the process here:

We’re Renovating Our House’s Renovation! The Before Photos

Making Over Our House’s Elevation: The Design

How to Clad Over a Double Brick House Making Over Our House’s Elevation: The Progress

Nearly Finished! Our Cladding Makeover (and Reader Questions)

Disclaimers done, here is our house before and after now! Thank you to the lovely Crystal Patterson for taking the professional pics – the others are mine.

BEFORE

AFTER

Mr Nerd was at work when we did this shoot, so my Mum stepped in My mum (“Oma” to our kids) is my chief savior, babysitter and angel in general and without her things like painting and photoshoots and writing would never ever ever get done. Thank you Mum. Photos by Crystal Patterson.

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OUR WINDOWS: A lot of people had asked me about our windows and asked if we had these redone as part of the cladding makeover. While old blog posts of mine have talked about how we spray-painted our old aluminium windows, years ago we had these replaced with new double-glazed ones with that low-e glass. The old aluminium windows looked heaps better spray painted, but they were very old, some you couldn’t open at all, and they had super thin glass and in winter you could walk past a window and literally feel the cold seeping into the house. Double glazing isn’t cheap but it has made a huge difference here.

I did so much gardening to get the house ready for these photos but looking at them now, I sort of wish I’d cut the garden back even more to show off the cladding more, but, kids. (Sometimes it is an effort to find time to just cut my toenails, or ‘feet nails’ as Little Nerd kind of disturbingly put it the other day.

One of the questions I get asked the most about the cladding is the colour scheme we chose. The main thing we wanted to achieve with the paint scheme was making sure it worked with our existing terracotta roof – a roof we didn’t want to paint. Obviously I know you CAN paint a terracotta roof, but when we looked into it, it seemed like firstly, one more cost, and secondly, not entirely recommended. Please correct me if I’m wrong – I know paint technologies are changing rapidly all the time – but a couple of companies told us that they wouldn’t actually spray-paint a glazed terracotta roof because it won’t stick under the harsh Perth sun.

Also, painting the roof seemed like just another cost, another thing to have to fork out for and maintain – when there were ways around it, like er, not painting the roof at all.

In the end we settled on a very simple colour palette of black and white. The black/charcoal is Dulux Monument, which turned out to be a good choice as Monument is also a Colorbond colour, so we could get gutters, fascias and the carport done in the same shade. The white is my favourite white, Dulux Natural White. (You CAN paint Scyon cladding any colour you want  – I say this as a lot of people think they come in a limited number of colours, but they come pre-primed and you paint once installed). The black and white worked with the cedar feature wall and the terracotta roof, which, if you look closely, has tiny little bits of charcoal in it. I can say now that I honestly don’t mind the roof colour at all – I think it works, and the focus is on the cladding.

BEFORE

NOW

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I’m a little bit embarrassed that we haven’t yet painted the driveway and we still have to re-build the edging wall around the garden. Just envision that whole driveway freshly painted (thinking a light grey) and the back garden paving re-done too, and the lawn extended to the edge of the decking, and the side of the house where the utilities are, that dirt all paved and graveled… we’ll get there!

Now let’s head to the back for a peek – but first, do you remember what it used to look like, with 70s sunroom/sleepout? The sleepout was mission brown – we painted it white.

BEFORE

PHOTOBOMBERS: I realise these photos were taken over by the kids and Nala. It was not my intention, but I don’t think there is such a thing as a photoshoot at our house without the kids and dog thinking it’s all about them. Little Nerd screamed as if he was in physical pain when I told him to get out of a photo and to go play inside. Kids, I tell you. He LOVES Crystal (who took these pics) and is like a bee to honey when she is around.

AFTER

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It seems like we’ve had the deck forever, but it was only done this summer. That was a big piece of the puzzle – a beautiful new deck. I sort of can’t believe we’ve been here almost nine years and we’ve only just had the deck. I keep crapping on about it on social media, but it has been the biggest gamechanger. I’ll do another post about the deck and all the details. (When? Who can say). All our outdoor furniture was from Early Settler Furniture.

Already our place looks different from when we did the shoot – now the garden has boofed up even more. Recently the kids and I were driving home and I found like, 48 tons of century plants (agaves) and aloe vera on the side of the road during green waste collection (you might have seen my hoard on my Instastories).

I was SO happy. Century plants cost like, $42 at Bunnings these days! Crazy Bunnings people.

I promptly filled my car to the brim with them (thank you, greenwaste gifters) and I have planted those all over the garden en masse (stealing the garden idea of this Bayswater home tour which I just featured. Greenwaste collection is the best.

BEFORE

Turn your back for one second… he wasn’t meant to paint over the numbers.

We also now have a new/old/upcycled letterbox!

Mr Nerd mounted our old letterbox, which used to be kind of wonky because one evening when we first moved here, I reversed into it driving TO the pub.

I never loved that letterbox and it was on our list of ‘things to upgrade’ for like eight years. We looked at new ones, but finally Mr Nerd ripped the old box off the metal legs and mounted it to these jarrah sleepers and we painted the letterbox black. Learn from me: when an overly earnest three year old asks if he can help you paint something that everyone who comes to your house is going to see, don’t say “I don’t see why not”. JUST SAY NO. Walk away from the eyes. Just walk away.

Our neighbours also had a crappy letterbox, so we asked them if they also wanted to upgrade. It does kind of look like a horse hitching post.

For the most part we had great suppliers and tradespeople.

SUPPLIERS AND CONTRACTORS

Scyon Cladding From Scyon Walls

Carpentry and deck Cladding and cedar wall put up by Tim Phillips and his team from TJP Carpentry

Limestone retaining wall by carport Chris Reeve and his team from Landscape A Lot

New carport and patio Great Aussie Patios

New patio lights The Montauk Lighting Co

Outdoor furniture Early Settler Furniture

New gutters, fascias and downpipes Westcoat Roof and Gutter Restoration Specialists

Roof restoration Mr Nerd

Painting Us and our family members

The other week there was an old lady who was walking past our house and she said she’s lived in the area for 30 years and she always loved walking past our garden because it reminded her of her garden when she was a child.

“It has that wild feel to it,” she said, which I took as a compliment. She said she loved that there were so many different plants and flowers, which is basically because when it comes to gardens I change my mind all the time. At one stage I was like, “I want an English cottage style garden” and planted rosemary and lavender and gardenias. The next stage I was like, “We need more natives!” so I bought natives. (Now I’m obsessed with tropical plantings and succulents and also xeriscaping, which is drought-friendly gardens landscaped to need very minimal water). The end result is sort of a jumbled lot of plantings that would horrify any landscape designer, but we have frogs and blue tongue lizards and bandicoots and the two cutest little bearded dragons living in all that undergrowth. The old lady took some cuttings.

Now let’s head over to the sides of the house – the utilities wall first. You can see where we visibly got tired of rendering and just gave up… eight years ago.

WAY better with the cladding huh? We still have to tidy up the paving here, obviously.

BEFORE AFTER BEFORE

What do you do when you try to remove your ugly 60 Minutes security door, but the screws have actually rusted it into place permanently? You leave it up. And lean casually against it.

Our ‘new’ walled-in garage.

I can’t tell you how much more we love the house now – the cladding has transformed the way the house looks. So much more pleasant, less creepy-looking!

Now that the cladding is all done, I can’t stop envisioning the footpath paved in recycled red brick with a white grout, and the back yard paving all finished, and I also want to spray paint those sheds in our back garden black or Monument and string up festoon lights… we always say to each other, “And then we’ll do this, and then that’s it, no more renovating,” but I think in reality we’ll never stop, there will always be something more we will want to improve – but it’s fun. Maya x

The post Our Cladding Makeover Reveal appeared first on House Nerd.

from Home Improvement https://house-nerd.com/2019/06/21/cladding-makeover-reveal/

[onlineworkyou2b]

You know How Jason Momoa almost joined the MCU ?

With regards to the Marvel Cinematic Universe — or the MCU to its fans — certain performing artists have put such a stamp on their characters that it's turned out to be relatively difficult to isolate the two. Thinking back, Chris Hemsworth appears the main performing artist who could take a faithful character like Thor and influence him to appear to be human. In the interim, Chadwick Boseman's execution as Black Panther helped make a generally obscure superhuman into a commonly recognized name as well as a real Oscar contender. What's more, Robert Downey Jr's. go up against Tony Stark was the impetus that made the whole MCU conceivable in any case. 

So it's intriguing to understand that one single throwing decision not just would've majorly affected the Marvel Cinematic Universe, yet on the DC Extended Universe also. That is on the grounds that Jason Momoa — indeed, the person who's playing significant DC Comics character Aquaman — was about given a role as Drax the Destroyer in 2014's Guardians of the Galaxy. Charlie Wen — previous head of visual improvement at Marvel Studios — sat for a selective meeting with Looper to examine the advancement of Drax's true to life structure, how Jason Momoa nearly joined the MCU… and how the character almost wound up resembling an exceptionally well known computer game character. 

Cool cape, brother 

While depicting the first 1973 comic book structure for Drax the Destroyer (on the left in the picture above), you may utilize terms like "basic," "particular," and "greatly conspicuous." You may likewise include the expressions "horrendously crazy" and "stupendously silly" to that rundown. The '70s were an alternate time, brimming with mold decisions guardians attempt to clarify away by saying things like, "look, my specialist believed that stuff was beneficial for me." Overall, Drax's outfit when he previously showed up in Iron Man is exceptional… and furthermore difficult to put on the wide screen without making the gathering of people barf into its popcorn. 

You may be astounded to see a person calling himself "the destroyer" wearing a caped purple jumpsuit, yet it bodes well from a shading angle. The extraordinary Hulk, all things considered, wears purple jeans for a reason (other than concealing his hulked out privates): purple is a reciprocal shading for green. The star on Drax's chest and the skull on his belt, in the interim, say "vast demise merchant" much superior to anything the purple leotard ever could. Strikingly, not long after his comic book make a big appearance, Drax's plan developed to wind up much more strange, with the expansion of one more skull at his neck — to truly commute home that "destroyer" thing, most likely — and a busted cape. Normally, Wen and his group at Marvel Studios never got anyplace near these looks when they started adjusting Drax for the screen. 

Bare, ruthless... siblings? 

Prior to turning into the head of visual improvement at Marvel Studios, Charlie Wen likewise drove a group at Sony planning Kratos, the dangerous legend from the God of War computer game establishment, which initially appeared in March 2005 following a couple of long stretches of advancement. In the mean time, soon thereafter, Marvel Comics happened to discharge a Drax the Destroyer miniseries with a fresh out of the box new plan for the character. Gone were the ridiculous purple tights and skull extras. Rather, Drax dumped the shirt and got some ink. 

While the structure was new to Drax, it unquestionably had in excess of a couple of likenesses with Wen's last Kratos plan — something he'd found when somebody sent the organization a Drax comic book. 

"I recollect at Sony, we resembled, "Gracious man, what should we do about this?" Wen reviewed. "They can't make it look —  It looked so much like Kratos!" 

So it came as an unexpected when, only a couple of years after the fact, Wen drove the plan division at Marvel Studios… and got himself up close and personal with the test of adjusting the inestimable legend who previously took after a character he'd planned previously. One idea went through Wen's head: 

"How am I going to make this character not resemble the character I intended for God of War?" 

Khal Draxo 

As Wen drove his group through structures for Guardians of the Galaxy, the throwing chiefs chased for the correct performing artists. One up-and-comer named Jason Momoa — who'd discovered accomplishment with his depiction of Khal Drogo in HBO's Game of Thrones — turned into a leader to win the piece of Drax. 

"Jason Momoa sent in this stunning screen test, and obviously he definitely realized how to do those battling positions," reviewed Wen. "He looked extremely persuading." 

Wen made craftsmanship delineating the on-screen character in the job, highlighting the Momoa's face on a lean-looking Drax the Destroyer that is a gather venture up from the Kratos-looking funnies and a lot nearer to the last true to life structure. 

As it turned out, be that as it may, while Momoa had the look and the moves to play Drax, he wasn't exactly appropriate for the part — at any rate not when contrasted and another on-screen character competing for the job, wrestler Dave Bautista. 

"I think with Momoa in it, it felt like the Game of Thrones character that he played. He has an incredible face for it," noted Wen. "We did a few takes with Momoa as the character, as Drax, in any case I think Bautista truly played that job." 

Will the genuine Drax please venture forward? 

Momoa appeared to concur that his throwing wouldn't convey anything new to the screen. "I need my kids to see their dad upbeat. It isn't so much that it is anything but a decent job, it simply wasn't the correct thing," he said in a 2014 Zap2It interview (via IGN). "I was on Stargate: Atlantis for a long time playing a comparable character called Ronon, who was an outsider who didn't state much and snorted. I've been there and done that, regardless of whether individuals have seen it or not. You need to extend." 

Obviously, nobody could know in 2014 that Momoa would proceed to feature his very own superhuman motion picture a couple of years after the fact with 2018's Aquaman, one of the tentpole movies of the DC Extended Universe — yet that is another story. Anyway, Momoa was out, Bautista was in, and both Wen and Marvel fans would concur that the correct man was thrown. 

"Bautista brought this — an alternate side to it that no one was expecting," Wen said. "Somewhat entertaining, yet normally interesting. It resembled, 'Goodness, this is an entire character. He's conveying something to that character.'" 

Wen included: 

we structured it explicitly for him — even the manner in which his head is molded." The picture above — one of the primary bits of idea workmanship Kevin Feige disclosed to declare Guardians of the Galaxy — demonstrates the impact of Bautista on the character's plan. 

The inked man 

In the mean time, to additionally develop Drax's artistic look, Wen kept pushing the plan far from the perfect lines of the mid-2000s Drax — the one that looked so much like Kratos. Rather, he concentrated on making Drax's tattoos a vital piece of the adjusted character's inward life. Indeed, even the craftsmanship looking like Momoa was traveling toward this path, and Bautista's throwing kept the energy pushing ahead also. 

"Every one of the tattoos that went on him is extremely recounting about his story," said Wen. "His life is essentially on his body." 

It's anything but difficult to find in the picture over that additionally includes early forms of alternate Guardians that the tattoos are starting to highlight much more noticeably in Drax's plan — and his terrorizing factor. 

"Everyone's anxious about him. He's someone that even individuals in jail fear," said Wen. "This is an intergalactic jail, where you have all these enormous characters that would, I don't have a clue, simply look extremely unnerving and massive. Be that as it may, Drax is someone that can stand his ground to any of them."

[downinfront]

The DC Extended Universe is in rebuild mode, and “Justice League” is the first step

In all of sports, there are few terms more loaded than “rebuild.” That’s the euphemism given when a team finds itself mired in mediocrity and decides to pivot away from a win-now mentality, dumping its resources instead into the prospect of winning later. To do that, they’ll usually dump a lot of their tenured veterans in order to free up money, then draft and develop young talent that can provide the core of a contender in a few seasons’ time. The Houston Astros just did it; the Los Angeles Lakers are in the middle of it; the New York Giants are about to do it and the Cleveland Browns have been attempting to do it for what seems like 20 years now. It’s a unique combination of white flag and hopeful eye towards the horizon: We suck now, but we’ll be back in the saddle a couple years down the line.

That’s the DC Extended Universe, and truth be told it has been for a while. The comic-book giant boasts two of the mightiest IPs in the world — Batman and Superman — but its attempt to build a counterpart to Marvel’s bulletproof Cinematic Universe has been a creaky, accursed enterprise since it launched in 2013 with Man of Steel. Under the creative auspices of Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen), DC attempted to shy away from Marvel’s zippy, quippy, made-for-mass consumption franchise machine by grinding out lengthy, humorless epics about gods and men. It wasn’t the worst idea int he world at the time — coming off of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy, the market was still ripe for “gritty” superheroes — but returns on these modern-day tomes have been increasingly diminishing, from the thunderous nonsense of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice to the bullet-ridden vomitorium of Suicide Squad. (There was, as we know, one glorious exception, which we’ll get to momentarily.) Justice League, the long-awaited culmination of DC’s first wave of movies, doesn’t exactly reverse the trend — it’s fun, both because of and despite how much of a mess it is — but it does contain some long-awaited signs of hope that the franchise is finally willing to throw its original plan out the window and start from scratch.

For one, there’s not a lot of Zack Snyder to be found in this movie, even though he’s technically credited as director. A gifted adapter with a near-unparalleled visual palette, Snyder’s singular vision for the DC Universe certainly provided a viable-on-paper alternative to Marvel’s product, but his two movies — 2013’s Man of Steel and 2016’s Batman v Superman — simply weren’t good enough to pass muster. That his fingerprints have been all but excised from this one is due to some truly horrifying circumstances: The death of Snyder’s daughter forced him to step away from Justice League, and Joss Whedon (The Avengers) took over for writing and directing the reshoots. And this wasn’t some second-unit formality, either: Whedon did enough to get the second script credit after Chris Terrio, and even though Snyder is the only credited director, Justice League feels very much like Whedon’s film. This is occasionally for the worse — he lacks Snyder’s gift for sumptuous visuals and his attempts to replicate them are middling — but even as the stitches show on the movie, Whedon brings out a lighter, funnier side of the characters that Snyder seemed genetically incapable of delivering. He does so by moving the majority of the film away from its hoo-ha of a plot and its two biggest anchors, focusing instead on the four backups who all prove to be infinitely more interesting.

Whether this finally means the end of the great Batfleck experiment remains to be seen — the top-billed star still seems somewhat disinterested here, but he fares better than Batman v Superman because he’s given a bit more to play — but the shift in focus does provide ample opportunity for Gal Gadot to continue on her star turn from Wonder Woman. A utility player brought in from the Fast & Furious franchise to play sixth man in Batman v Superman, Patty Jenkins’ megahit from the summer turned Gadot into a megastar and a feminist icon. Less than two years from starring in B-rate action comedies, Gadot now has the kind of box office pull and cultural cache that hasn’t been seen in a long time. Whedon, who made his name in part on Strong Female Characters, knows he’s got the biggest one in decades on his hands, so it’s surely no accident that Wonder Woman gets most of the best scenes here. One minute she’s slicing and dicing through a horde of malevolent bug men, the next she’s slugging a dickish Master Wayne in the sternum so hard he goes flying across the room. It’s to Affleck’s credit that he seems to be having fun even as his minutes decrease, but it’s the movie that reaps the benefits of the change under center.

Flanking Gadot are a trio of greenhorns who give the movie a jolt of energy each time the plot starts to sag, which, given that this movie has a terrible plot, is often. As The Flash, Ezra Miller is wide-eyed, scared shitless (the bit about how he’s never fought anyone is great) and ultimately thrilled to be there. He’s a caffeinated mix of earnestness and annoyance, and if he were ten years younger Marvel would have scooped him up to be Spider-Man. Jason Momoa reimagines the oft-maligned Aquaman as a hard-drinking swingin’ dick with mommy issues; he’s not around to do much besides slug back whiskey and make fun of Batman’s getup, but you get the sense that the Game of Thrones veteran might have finally found a role worthy of his online reputation. And, as Cyborg, Ray Fisher gets an intriguing, Frankenstinian backstory — he’s a prodigy reborn as a machine with a tenuous grip on his humanity— which he plays with a muted resignation that occasionally spills over into outright panic each time his transformation leaps forward. 

Either Whedon recognizes what he has here or realizes he’s got a lot of makeup work to do to give the team the same care he afforded to the Avengers. Either way, he cannily works in a series of scenes with each of these characters that don’t do much to advance the story, but give the actors something to play, the audience something to connect with, and the movie to boast in the way of genuine enjoyment. The most affecting of these is a heart-to-heart between The Flash and Cyborg as they exhume Superman (Henry Cavill) from his grave; the funniest is a scene when Aquaman accidentally sits on Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth and tells his new teammates what he really thinks about all of them.

Between those charming non-sequiteurs and his low-key Twitter shade to the movie’s villain, you get the sense Whedon couldn’t give a shit less about Justice League’s plot. But as a previous franchise steward, he knows that no matter his misgivings, he’s got to both deliver a decent movie and right the ship as best he can. There have been way too many missteps on DC’s part for one movie to correct, but it helps that Whedon has a good sense of where to patch the holes. So, he wisely builds upon what worked in the previous films while minimizing what didn’t (Jeremy Irons’ Alfred gets more scenes; Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor gets less) and even manages to offer some much-needed rehabilitation to their original leading man once Superman is inevitably resurrected.

The question of what to do with the white-bread Man of Steel has been bugging the movies for a while, and while Snyder’s gritty approach was certainly a novel concept, it seems now like the wrong idea at the right time. Cavill cut an imposing presence, but his Kal-El was a morose, occasionally misanthropic demigod who wasn’t afforded the slightest bit of levity even as the adorkable Clark Kent. The man playing him has as much matinee-idol charm as you could want in an actor — The Man From U.N.C.L.E. isn’t quite as good as people online think, but Cavill is a Movie Star in it — but he wasn’t allowed to be half as charming as Christopher Reeve or even Brandon Routh. (Who, as a side note,  rebuilt himself as an MVP of DC’s TV universe playing The Atom on Legends of Tomorrow — it’s a fun show and he’s great in it.) Justice League fixes that, giving the Last Son of Krypton a complete personality change once the team brings him back from the dead. It’s not enough to entirely rehabilitate the character, and Cavill is still oddly humorless in the role, but as the fun mid-credits scene with The Flash shows, even a little bit of awkward goofiness goes a long way.

There are more signs of a rebuild outside the movie as well, all of which are harbingers of positive change down the line. Affleck was brought in as a top-flight star to anchor the franchise, but rumors have swirled for a while now that he wants out. Matt Reeves, who’ll write and direct the upcoming The Batman, supposedly has his eye on a replacement already. The upcoming Flash solo movie will reportedly adapt the reality-meddling Flashpoint arc, potentially giving DC the opportunity to make a trade. Coming out of Suicide Squad, Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn is rumored to be returning in a movie about Gotham City’s villainesses, while the horror/action stylist James Wan (The Conjuring, Furious 7) will tackle the Aquaman solo movie for next year. There’s also the rumors of a set of movies outside the Justice League continuity, both giving DC a chance to adapt its entire Multiverse and start fresh with the characters its already bungled in the runup to Justice League. Jared Leto’s much-maligned Joker might already be getting subbed out for Leonardo DiCaprio in just such a movie.

Of course, there is the lingering doubt that all these efforts may be too little, too late. Generally speaking, rebuild is an exercise in hope, but it’s also a test of fans’ faith in the franchise. Despite a weird Rotten Tomatoes embargo that held off mass consensus for an extra day or two, Justice League was still subjected to a drubbing that muted enthusiasm to a disheartening degree. Box office returns for the first weekend topped out at around $94 million, which is almost unthinkable for a tentpole featuring the two biggest superheroes of all time and a glass-ceiling smashing movie star. Any staying power this movie has will be on word of mouth alone, and while it’s certainly entertaining in a disheveled kind of way, there simply might not be enough there there to warrant two hours and $20 at the multiplex.

It’ll probably do well on cable and Blu-Ray, which feels appropriate and, to a degree, necessary. The DCEU experiment has been steadily building to at least one outright failure, which is always the catalyst for any rebuild. Watching Justice League, it’s hard not to get the sense everybody saw the L coming and decided to shore up the ranks for next season. That’s sort of optimistic in and of itself, and while saying the movie delivers on the meagerest of promises is damning praise, it’s praise nonetheless and a positive notion of things to come. The night has been dark, but the dawn might finally be on the horizon.

[photomaniacs]

That Time I Said ‘F*** No’ to a Hotel’s ‘Advertising Opportunity’ http://ift.tt/2ucUsFC

My name is Ryan Horban and I’m a wedding photographer based in Southern California. I shoot 30+ weddings a year, drink IPAs because they are tasty and get me buzzed, have an amazing family that I absolutely love, and won’t be staying at a Sheraton Hotel anytime in the near future unless I’m kidnapped by terrorists and held against my will at a Sheraton property.

So you might be asking yourself right now, “D*mn Ryan, why are you throwing so much shade on Sheraton?” And well, that’s the purpose of this article. So let me start from the beginning of my story.

A couple of weeks back, I’m sitting in my office editing wedding photos and listening to punk rock music when an email jumps into the inbox. Now, nothing makes me feel inner turmoil more than seeing that little red number on my Mail application, so I quickly read it to remove the anxiety building up in my body.

The email is from a woman named Terri who is a director of some sort for Sheraton Hotels. Terri was looking for wedding photos captured at their property they could use for an advertising campaign that would be launching in Exquisite Magazine. Somehow she must have come across a wedding I photographed at the Sheraton and thought, “these are pretty rad photos, I think I will use them!”

So Terri likely got the info of the couple from that blog post, reached out to the bride and asked if Sheraton could use the photos for an advertisement. Unfortunately, the photos my bride got were a little less than 300 dpi, which is a standard number print shops will work with. This is why Terri was contacting me. She wanted me to get her the photos they planned on using for the ad, but at a resolution of 300dpi. She even showed me a mock-up of the ad which you can see below.

Obviously, the first thing any photographer is going to notice when looking at this ad is the lack of a photo credit. Now, this was disturbing for a couple reasons, the first being that it’s 2016 and everyone should know by now you give a photographer credit for their work, especially a large business such as Sheraton!

The other is that I believe the ad would have been run, without a photo credit or notification to me, if Sheraton had access to the images at 300 dpi. It seems I was only being contacted because they needed my help, and I highly doubt they would have reached out if they had the photos at 300 dpi. Here is what Terri stated in her email:

The photos she sent us are not of the dpi we need. Can you help? I have attached the ones we wanted to use but we need at least 300dpi. We will give you photo credit. Please let me know. Thanks terri

My response:

Hey Terri!

I hope you are doing well and life on your side of this email is fantastic! So first of all thanks for reaching out! Your venue was cool and I had a blast working with J***** and C**** last October. That wedding actually got featured in My Hotel Wedding. Also, the ad looks fantastic! I thought it was interesting you used a prism shot of the ceremony. I dig it. I do have a couple quick questions. One is you said you would provide photo credit but on that ad I do not see any credits? Where were those photo credits going to be placed? And YES I can get those images over at 300dpi for printing purposes. No issue there at all.

Terri’s response:

I will ad to the bottom. I didn’t on this as I did not know who did the photography. Thanks. The pictures are beautiful.

Now, this part is interesting because a business really shouldn’t be this far along in the advertising campaign and not know the identity of the photographer behind the content being used (and if Terri didn’t know who the photographer was how did she have my name and contact info?). Yeah, I thought it was weird as well…

Here was my response:

Thanks Terri!

The name works perfect for photo credit “Ryan Horban”. Also, I really do not extend copyrighted images for promotion without compensation even if it is shared copyright. However, the ad looks fantastic and you’ve basically got it completed and ready for print so I would hate to slow that process down in any way. I am of course close with C**** and J**** (the bride+groom) and we both recently had children (boys Reid+ Porter). We could totally use a little stay-cation some time during a weekday. If you could secure us both a promo code for a room at the Sheraton for sometime this year I can get those images at 300DPI sent over today. Normally, my commercial licensing fee is $1500 so it is actually a pretty good deal for Sheraton and it works out well for us. Think it over and let me know.

Terri’s response:

Sorry we will pass on giving you an advertising opportunity.

Maybe it was because I was day drinking, upset about the season finale I DVR’d of Game of Thrones or maybe I was simply having an emotional day. Regardless, I felt like I was totally more than fair to Terri and Sheraton Hotels even in the face of some questionable things at the start. Needless to say, her response pissed me off.

So I figured I had two choices: I could write about my feelings in a journal while shedding tears into a cup of warm cocoa, or I could stand up for myself and every other artist who has tried to be exploited for free labor by a large corporation. So after I cried for hours into my warm cocoa, I closed my journal and I emailed Terri back.

My response:

Terri,

No problem at all. However, you have to understand it’s not a real advertising opportunity for me because the ad promotes Sheraton not the photographer. It’s an advertising opportunity for Sheraton hotels. A bride isn’t going to see that ad and say “I want this wedding photographer”. That’s not how this business works and I think you know that. I can guarantee I wouldn’t book a single bride from that ad. Sheraton on the other hand would book many brides.

I’m actually deeply disappointed that such a large corporation would try to basically take advantage of an artist by not compensating them for their hard work. In fact it’s quite shameful. Is the marketing budget that tight at Sheraton where they can’t compensate artists? Of course not. It’s just that they would rather employ a poor ethical standard and do whatever is necessary to avoid paying an artist for their work. I’m sure you can find someone who will give you their art for free because I mean that is your end goal correct? Sheraton wants beautiful images to promote their wedding venue, book more brides and make more money. I understand that, but you really don’t think it’s fair that the photos that are going to represent your wedding venue and your brand in the best possible light don’t deserve compensation?

I love what I do and give it my absolute everything and I believe that’s the reason why brides book me. I believe this passion is what allows me to create beautiful images, like the photos Sheraton wants to use for their marketing campaign. However, I am a principled man and will stick up for my industry even though we let ourselves get taken advantage of by large businesses every hour of every day. So when a large company such as Sheraton wants to take my art, use it for self-promotion, financial gain and not compensate me, the artist…

The only appropriate response in this situation is: F*CK NO!

Warmly,

Naturally, pushing send on that email felt fantastic and was better than any hotel room or commercial licensing fee I would have received. But the point I am trying to make is this BS happens every single day and it needs to stop. I don’t want to sound like Bernie Sanders here and spend all my time attacking big businesses and corporations, but this practice has been commonplace far too long and it is making it impossible for artists to make a living — especially those trying to start their careers and who might be persuaded by businesses to see these situations as an opportunity rather than what it really is: exploitation.

Thankfully, I have been fortunate enough to provide for my family through art and am established enough to where I can tell Sheraton or any other business trying to take advantage of me or a situation to go f*** themselves. Because I really don’t give a s*** if I ever shoot another wedding at their venue or hotel ever again.

I hate being a person who thinks or acts negatively, so let’s end this on a positive note. We are all worth something. We are all special and have gifts to give. And as artists, we have the right to be treated fairly. Don’t let anyone ever try and take advantage of you or your art. Remember: they need you; you don’t need them. You are special.

I would love to get your feedback on this situation so please feel free to drop a question or comment and I will do my best to respond to them. Oh and here is a photo of me just because.

About the author: Ryan Horban is a wedding photographer based in Southern California. You can find more of his work and writing on his website, blog, and Twitter. This article was also published here.

Go to Source Author: Ryan Horban If you’d like us to remove any content please send us a message here CHECK OUT THE TOP SELLING CAMERAS!

The post That Time I Said ‘F*** No’ to a Hotel’s ‘Advertising Opportunity’ appeared first on CameraFreaks.

July 31, 2017 at 10:00PM

[standingontheedgeinstilettos]

10,000 Screams at 10,000 Feet

I figure if I can write about, scrutinize, poke fun of, and point out the flaws of TV caricatures in a series about women I can offer you a story here and there doing the same thing to myself.  This is one of those stories.

I recently went on our first “Family Vacation” which, I guess by definition, included our ten month old daughter.  Up until this point, my husband and I had either gone on vacation without her (Parents of the Year!) or we would take her down to Southern California to visit my husband’s family for a weekend, entailing only a wee one hour flight each way. In my naivety, I concluded that all the eventless one hour flights we had taken her on meant that the five hour flight to and from the island of Kauai would likely go smoothly and too be eventless.  For the flight into Lihue, I could not have been more right.  

For the flight home, I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG.

Babies are like adorable, squishy, loveable little landmines.  If you step carefully around them with just the right amount of pressure wearing the correct equipment with radar capabilities, you will probably be fine.  But if one thing goes wrong, then BAM!  You’re not dead but you sort of wish you could be. So you do anything you can to ensure all is exactly how it should be in order for your baby to be the perfect happy angel he or she is as long as he or she is not hungry, tired, gassy, stuffed up, teething, over-fed, under-clothed, etc.  The problem with flying is that you cannot control all elements and one minor upset can throw the whole game.

We planned our flights perfectly around our beloved landmine.  We booked morning flights (A MUST), made sure to purchase the Tall People Row, and we bought a ticket for the baby so she would have her own space for her car seat, as well as the space under our feet should the need for “play-time” arise, also giving us our own row.  She slept the first two and a half hours and coo-ed for the next leg until we arrived on the way over.  Where I started slightly nervous, I was now feeling pretty cocky.

Our flight home was to leave Lihue at 11:15am, so we did the parent-dance of “Do we nap her early or keep her awake for a bit and hope she passes out as soon as we board?”  We chose the latter.  A decision which will haunt me for weeks to come.  With the condo locked up and keys returned, we said Mahalo and Aloha to Poipu and headed to the airport.  We pulled up to find an agent at the curb gently bearing the news that our flight had been delayed until 3pm.  Luckily we still had the rental car so we checked in all our luggage and decided to drive around the island for a few hours, as surely the baby would nap in the car.  

The baby did not nap in the car.

The baby sang to herself, talked to the clouds, played with her shade cover, inspected her pacifier for dust particles, found all ten of her toes and checked on us periodically, but sleep the baby did not.

When we returned to the airport at 2pm, we just knew she would sleep for HOURS on the flight.  Was she over-tired?  Yes!  But how can you not pass out after all of this?  Surely she may fuss a bit while on a tarmac but start that engine and this baby is Dunzo.

Because I’m an insane person, I always want to be the first one on the plane.  Let me get my bearings!  So there we sat while the other 200 people boarded.  Sailor, the antagonist of this story AKA The Baby, was quite fussy during the boarding process.  For 30 minutes, she wanted out of her car seat, she wanted to be lifted to the tiny air spout so she could eat the air, she wanted this, that, the other thing. I was like, Can I live?  So I gave her a bottle.  That’ll do it.  

Once the boarding process was complete, we began to taxi.  We taxied to the runway where we sat for the suspicious amount of time that makes you say to yourself, “WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WAITING FOR??” and then, with more sadness, “SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG.”  Meanwhile, the bottle had no effect on my exhausted little creature.  She was starting to get that psychotic look in her eye like a POW who has been tortured with lack of sleep and feels they have nothing to lose.  I began to get more nervous.

Then, the dreaded loud speaker.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, folks….due to the delay of the flight, there’s now an issue in that myself and my co-pilot here will be over our hours if we fly you to San Jose. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, we’re trying to negotiate so that we can get you home today, so just hang tight for us.”

The baby is not settling, there’s no motion or ambient noise to help out with that, I’m hyper-sensitive to how other people feel and to what they think of me so now I’m really starting to freak out.  This is beginning to feel like a perfect storm.  After hanging out on the runway for about 45 minutes worth of negotiations and failing at my own negotiations with my infant, I resort to giving her yet another bottle.  It’s basically the CliffsNotes of parenting.

“Problem?  Let’s feed her!”

Moments later we are cleared for take-off.  Seconds after revving the engine, I notice my little snowflake closing her eyes. Within minutes of leaving the ground she completely passed out.

The End.

JUST KIDDING

I would say no more than 7 minutes into the flight, right after I had smiled coyly to my husband, patted his arm like I do when we’re well into the air and seemingly safe from plummeting back down to Earth (oh, did I mention I don’t love to fly?) out of a dead silence that seemed out of place on an aircraft full of people, my child straight zombie apocalypses out of her car seat like she’s just been possessed by the Devil himself and is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs over and over and over.  I am not talking about crying.  I am talking about actual screaming like whoever was sitting next to her (me) stabbed her in the leg with a steak knife.  And I mean over and over and over, the only reprieve being the silence that occurred when she had run out of breath, her face and lips purple, for the seconds before she was able to take another huge breath and give us another blood-curdling scream.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?  

It was as if I was looking at it happening to someone else.  Like I left my body and was all, “Peace, ya’ll!  I’m out.”

My husband and I are looking at each other with desperate, wild eyes while mouthing, “I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW!” because you couldn’t hear anything above the screams.  I’m looking around at the other passengers staring bewildered and frightened at my possessed child but no one seems to be doing anything to help which was confusing to me.  Clearly we need to land this thing!  She needs medical attention!  Is there a medic on board??

I’m furiously rocking her, kissing her head, telling her it’s ok, IT’S OK FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!  But nothing at all was calming her.  She had never had an ear pressure issue on an airplane, and this didn’t sound like the millions of babies I had heard on other flights during take-off and landing.  No, this was something serious.  Something evil was happening here.

I know you’re wondering, “How long did this last??”

I have no idea.  It felt like an eternity but I think it was mere minutes.  I never even heard the seatbelt sign go off when, as I’m rocking and freaking out and my husband is digging through my bag for some sort of miracle or maybe muzzle (or a mallet), a woman approaches us.  With a faint accent, she says,

“I can breastfeed your baby?”

I’ll leave that there for a second.

 “What??” my husband and I ask simultaneously.  Surely we didn’t hear that right over the screams.

“I can breastfeed your baby for you!”  Oh ok, that’s what she said.

Over the piercing, deafening noises coming from my lap, my husband yells, “She doesn’t breast feed!”

“Yes but sometimes it’s comforting for a baby if you breast feed!  And my baby is back there but he’s done for now so I can help your baby!”

We’re literally yelling this conversation.

I swear on everything to you guys that if I thought that would have actually helped the situation, I would have let that woman breast feed my baby.  She seemed clean, and sober.  I would have said, “Only if you take her back to your seat to do it,” and handed her on over.  But my kid hasn’t breast fed since I found out at 8 weeks I was accidentally starving her by producing no more than about a half an ounce of milk a day.  The last time she saw my nipple it had been a while and she thought it was a toy.  And she was in no mood for toys.  The last thing I needed was this lady busting out her boob and having my already embarrassing child angrily flick the shit out of it.

While I’m trying to process what is currently happening, my husband is still trying to explain to this woman that our baby would not know how to breast feed but thank you for the offer. She responded, “It was my husband’s idea!”

This just keeps getting better.

It was my husband, Eric, who found as he was trying to console her with me that her belly felt really tight.

“Did you feed her both those bottles?!”

“Maybe!”

At this point, had Alaska Airlines provided me with a parachute, I would have jumped. Actually, had they just agreed to open one of the doors I would have jumped.

I quickly leapt into action and grabbed from my bag of tricks the infant anti-gas medication.  I squirted it from an uncomfortable distance into her GAPPING HOLE OF A MOUTH, and this momentarily caught her off-guard. I then turned her around so her belly was in my hand, got up and started bouncing her up the aisle patting her back and rubbing her tummy.  I look back to see Eric half-standing helplessly at our seats, shooting me a look that said, “IS IT WORKING?!”  And by some miracle, it was.  She began to settle down and she stopped making the sound equivalent of the Game of Thrones “Red Wedding” episode.

My little Landmine had exploded mid-air, and had left around 200 people in the wake of her disaster.  Passengers were traumatized.  As I looked at their faces, they all said, “WHEN WILL SHE GO OFF AGAIN???”  I was also traumatized, and asked myself the same thing.  After she had settled down I was able to take stock of how I was feeling and it wasn’t pleasant.  I was noticeably trembling, and my anxiety level was at about a million.  I hate flying anyway because of the lack of control and the feeling of being stuck somewhere and not able to get out.  I felt this 100 times more than I normally do flying because I wanted out SO BAD.  In the world, I can do things to fix my child.  I can leave her in her goddamn crib for one thing if she’s having a fit.  I can let her cry it out a bit when I’ve made the parenting fail of letting her get too tired before I put her down for a nap.  I can hold her and comfort her while she cries in a normal situation and have only my own biological response to deal with, not a plane full of strangers’ responses.

After taking stock of my physical response to chaos, I realized I had been walking up and down the aisle for about 45 minutes.  The baby was now coo-ing deliriously at fellow passengers, chirping at other kids and babies she spotted, wigging, giggling, but still with sort of a demonic tinge to it all.  Clearly babies are not meant to be awake for this long.  It’s hard to understand the concept that the longer you wait to let them sleep the harder it becomes for them to sleep.  I knew this, but the flight schedule had screwed us up so royally, we were stuck with this hand of cards.

I sat back down and went to put her in her car seat.  Surely she’ll pass out now.  NOPE.

She cried every time I tried to put her in her car seat.  And because now I’m beyond obsessed with what other people are feeling and thinking about my normally adorable and well-behaved family, I pop back up to walk her up the aisle again.  Eric takes her from me and begins pacing with her.  In the spirit of my one of my favorite movies, “Bridesmaids,” I barged through the First Class curtain, walked straight up to the flight attendant and said, “Excuse me ma’am, may I please have a glass of alcohol?”

I downed a plastic cup of vodka like it was water and I had been climbing my way out of the Sahara Desert for days.

Eric comes back with my happy psychosis baby and attempts to sit down.

“WAHHHHHHHHHH”

Awesome.  Fucking awesome.

I pop back up.  Eric says, “Babe, it is what it is.  We can’t do anything, they can’t do anything.  We’re on an airplane.  We may just have to let her cry until she goes to sleep.”

AND LET ALL OF THESE PEOPLE JUDGE ME AND THINK I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR TRIP HOME AND THEIR FEELINGS AND THAT THEY CAN HEAR THEIR DVDs AND THAT MY BABY SUCKS???  Not in this lifetime.

“I’ll walk her.”

The truth is, I was doing it more for me at that point.  I was wound tighter than a top and had to spin in order not to combust.  I at least needed to pace until the vodka kicked in.

It never did.

I walked that baby up and down the aisle for three hours.  At one point during meal service I basically paced around the back bathrooms for an hour.  We made friends with all the other baby-parents on board who of course felt horrible for me but I looked at their peaceful children and hated them, despite myself.  I noticed the lady who offered to breast feed my kid and felt like maybe I should ask her to breast feed me for comfort at this point.  I bet her husband would be on board!  Another mother was traveling with her daughter and grandson.  We got to chatting.  I would tell anyone who listened the whole spiel you go through, “She’s never like this, it’s just she’s getting four new teeth on top and she didn’t get to nap because of the delay and I think I might have overfed her and caused a massive gas bubble, it’s all my fault really just don’t blame her, she’s perfect….”

The grandmother said to me, “I had three girls and we lived in Alaska and flew all the time.  I used to give them infant Benadryl.  It seems to help with the pressure, or if nothing else it really knocks them out….”

She continues hesitantly,

“You know, I don’t know if you’re comfortable, but we have some with us if you’d like to give it to her.”

I just looked at her. This woman has watched me walk up and down this aisle for three hours and is just now offering to help me drug my child??  At least Boob Lady saw her calling and went for it!

“Yes, I’m extremely comfortable!!  Please give it to me immediately!”

She looked a little startled but pulled it out.  I may have been a bit too grabby, but this was the point where I was ceasing to care. FIVE HOURS ON THIS PLANE.  Yes, I’m drugging my baby.

The vodka never did kick in.

I didn’t want to be greedy. I didn’t want to go straight to trying to get her to sleep, I needed to give it time for the drugs to kick in.  I continued to walk her for another 30 minutes. I literally felt when the Benadryl began working.  Her little body unclenched altogether.  She began to rub her eyes.

OH MY GOD. THIS IS IT.   I took her back to our seats.  My husband, who had been switching off with me periodically, stood up assuming it was his turn.  I looked him dead in the eye: “No.  I think this is it.”

“Really??  OK.  Let me change her diaper so she’s dry.  We can put her in a sleeper and she can be down for the night.”

“Great,” I said as I picked up a second drink he had ordered me long enough ago the ice had all melted and I threw it down with a shudder.

He returned from the diaper change, we slipped her into pjs and strapped her into her chair.  I covered it with a swaddle.  She did not immediately go to sleep, but instead cooed quietly to herself, reflected on the trip, found her toes again.

Is this it?  Could it be?  She’s quiet, she’s happy, SHE’S HERSELF.  I couldn’t get comfortable with it, but I surrendered to the moment and pulled out the iPad to start a movie.

That’s when I smelled it. And I tried to ignore it.  I denied it altogether.  

“It’s something else. It’s someone else.”

But I knew it wasn’t. And it was becoming too much to deny. Everyone would know it was her. The worst baby they had ever flown with, and now the stinkiest.

“We’ve got a poopy diaper now.”

I grabbed the wipes and a new diaper and began my familiar journey up the aisle.  Once inside, I realized my giant monster-sized baby just barely fit on the make-shift airplane bathroom changing table.  As I laid her down and unzipped to inspect the damage, I realized we were looking at quite the situation here.  Those two bottles and that Hawaiian hearty lunch didn’t turn into rainbows and sunshine.

Did I mention I was wearing all white?

I peeled off her poop-covered sleeper.  I began the clean-up process.  It was a slaughter.  She’s wriggling around, getting it on her feet, legs, arms.  I’m cleaning up after her every slight move that is transferring the substance left and right, up and down.  There’s no room so if I pay too much attention to her butt I notice I’m accidentally banging her head up against the wall which causes her to start yelling at me.  Once I have the diaper on her, I realized there was no redressing her obviously since her previous sleeper had been painted in feces.

“Here she comes, Miss America….”

As I walk-of-shame down the aisle with a naked baby in one arm and poopy pjs in the other, my doped-up infant is literally waving to each aisle, blowing kisses and raspberries, asking them how their flight has been, thanking them all for coming.  

When I get back to our row, Eric and I stealthily peel on the new sleeper.  I strap her in her car seat and cover it with the swaddle.  I put the pacifier in her mouth and one-handed shake the car seat to force a soothing vibration.  As the moments tick on, her little feet go from kicking happily, to twitching, to stillness.  Could it be? I peek under the swaddle and there she is; mouth open, eyes closed, breathing heavily, as peaceful as can be.  It’s impossible to look at her and believe it’s the same baby who gave off demon screams and displayed the stamina of a Tasmanian devil on crystal meth.  But I think this is the wonder that is being a parent.  After all of that, I thought she was the sweetest thing in the whole wide world, and wanted to wake her up because I already missed her.

That second part is a total lie.

The landing announcements began, and I was still completely anxiety-ridden and thought, “If you wake her up now, you’ll pay for it.”  Eric said, “It’s over now, we’re here.”

“We’re not ‘here,’ we’re like ten minutes from ‘here,’” I snapped.

She woke up when we landed, looked at me and smiled.  She smiled while we waited for the stroller at the gate.  One woman commented she thought we did great and that we stayed so calm.  I wanted to tell her that’s because I died inside about four and a half hours ago.

When we were finally in the car on our way home, I turned to my husband.

“That was awful.  Was that not awful?  Was it one of those things where it could have been worse?”

He sighed.  “No, I’m pretty sure that’s about as bad as it gets.”

I felt vindicated in this moment.  I can never quite tell if I’m being dramatic about a situation, if I’m over-reacting because I don’t handle stress well at all.  But my logical husband confirmed for me that what we just experienced was traumatic.  Even when I finally hit the pillow, I played the whole thing over and over in my head, suffering from a slight case of PTSD.  I felt like I’d been through something that made me stronger.  I guess I’ve been welcomed into the Parenting Club officially. I’ll consider myself hazed.

And by the way, that second drink never kicked in either.  Apparently, adrenaline is alcohol’s kryptonite.