#also: my relationship to drawing has been painful these last several years

[lemurblog]

Hello lémurblogs I have a question, how do you make your drawings? (๑'ᴗ')ゞ

Hello! It depends on each drawing. Generally, I sketch on paper and bring the scan into Clip Studio where I adjust the levels (make the whites brighter and blacks darker without losing too much detail) and redraw anything or adjust proportions with the transform tools. I apply color on top with layers set to Multiply, Overlay, and/or Soft Light.

An important step for me is taking at least a day to look at it with fresh eyes. If I'm stuck, it also helps to check how it looks on my phone. And lately adjusting the Color Balance has been my friend.

My process is pretty messy and I often don't have a plan; I just feel around to see what's good for a drawing and do it a little differently each time. For example I don't plan to color, shade, or add a background to 90% of my drawings, but they end up that way bc something will feel missing, so little by little stuff gets added.

I followed a strict pipeline as a teenager ("sketch this way, do line art that way, color like this") and ended up dreading digital art, so I took a step back. Now I give myself permission to be as messy, lazy, and improvised as I like. I'll draw or edit all on one layer even though that's not what people teach, bc it actually works for me.

I also find it useful to strike fast and finish as 'quick' as I can. Because it's natural for me to have drawings that become months or years-long WIPs. and that's fine! but it can't be everything I'm working on or I get discouraged.

Oh, and drawing on post-it notes really helped me complete those small illustrations for madaparty! It was such a life-hack when I realized it'll help me complete small ideas in one sitting. I love drawing compositions, but forget about them on a big sketchbook page where lots of little drawings have no borders, so the small post-its really helped. It also helped me think more with metaphor or staging, rather than getting lost in anatomy poses and being too literal.

[may0tuna]

Friends in High Places | Umbrella!Ben Hargreeves x Reader

Summary: Your life is falling apart so you thought why not throw yourself into the void completely. You got yourself mixed up in drugs and now you're finally in rehab. You are also very clumsy - you would get random cuts and bruises from the simplest things - but for some reason, ever since you met Klaus in rehab, there has been this invisible force protecting you from these random clumsy moments.

They say that there's some advantage to hitting rockbottom because then the only way is up, and you took that quite literally. By literally, you realized that "getting high" makes the world a little better because then you'd be able to numb the pain. It started when your now ex broke up with you because he said that he fell in love with someone else. You were thankful that he was honest. No cheating happened but still, it broke you. They say time can heal everything but time was moving a little too slow for you. You were paralyzed in a time when your relationship, career, and finances decided to walk out the door. You experimented with MJ and decided to try other drugs just to see if it will keep you "high" and prevent you from "hitting rockbottom" again. You made a vow never to experience that heartbreak and disappointment ever again.

Of course, there will always be consequences to every action one makes, you know this and you contemplated about this every single day as you line up to take your morning meds in rehab. Your friends and family were worried so you decided to agree to rehab because seeing them see you throw your life away like that broke their hearts, and in return, broke yours. It's better that way, you thought.

Everyone was their usual self that morning. Groggy as they drag their feet towards where personnel would hand out everyone's morning meds. Well, everyone except for Klaus Hargreeves who seems to have an endless supply of energy. You don't know much about Klaus but you remembered seeing him on television a few years back when he was younger. You never really asked him about his past as he wasn't that much open to sharing it with just anybody. No judgement there, you thought. Everyone in here is trying to escape something out there.

"Top of the morning to ya, Y/N" Klaus said as he raised his hand, showing you the tattooed hand with Goodbye on it. He looked at it for a second and switched to the other that had Hello on it, giving you an apologetic laugh.

"Hi Klaus. Got a goodnight's sleep, I'm guessing?" You waved back at him as he found himself lining up behind you.

"Oh I had one of the best night's sleep in years," he said. "What happened to your cheeks?" He asked pointing at the bruised cheek you had.

"Oh" you placed a hand on your cheek to cover it up. "I had a little accident, I guess I move a lot in my sleep and fell hitting the corner of the bedside table last night." You say almost non-chalantly.

"Y/N, Y/N, Y/N, you oughta be more careful next time. Ben wouldn't be too happy to see you like this," He said.

"Ben?" You asked quizzically but Klaus' attention was no longer in the conversation, as you were called by the personnel to move forward and take your morning meds, which you did pretty much like the morning before that. After which, those who were finished with breakfast was escorted to the "Activities Room," wherein in-patients can choose from several activities to do throughout the day. There was a pool table, ping pong, several tables for playing card and board games. You found yourself in your usual corner wherein you either read a book or just mindlessly draw random things. You decided on drawing the nightmare you had last night. You weren't particularly honest to Klaus about your bruised cheek. You know for yourself you sleep like a log but last night, you had one of the worst nightmares and that made you act out on it, resulting in you falling off the bed.

You aimlessly draw random scribbles trying to remember your nightmare when Klaus joined you. He sat down without saying a word, picked a pen and paper, and started scribbling something on it. He was so serious that his brows furrowed. After he had finished scribbling, he handed it to you. It was a picture of a man with tentacles coming out of his stomach. It was a pretty decent drawing but you were confused as to why Klaus was giving you this.

"Are you high right now, Klaus? I know it's ironic but you have connections in here that can get you "stuff" so I'm asking again, let me in on it please," you plead to him.

"No, silly. I'm clean just like you. What do you think of this man?" He asked tapping on the piece of paper he just drew on. You looked at the drawing, the man in the picture was smiling despite having tentacles coming out his body. You couldn't quite understand the photo but you like that he was smiling.

"Ow," Klaus suddenly exclaimed.

"Are you okay?" You asked worriedly.

"Yeah, it's just that SOMEBODY," he said as he looked over to his left side while massaging his left shoulders with his right hand, "is being a little too impatient."

"Huh?"

"Never mind about that. So, what do you think? Would you be friends with someone like him?" He asked.

"I mean, yeah, sure. I don't understand the tentacles but I could imagine the type of conversations we'd be having," you said.

"Good! See, she likes you," Klaus said as he looked over to his left side again. It confused you, you were convinced Klaus is high so you ignored him as he walked towards a group learning how to do the tango. You returned to your drawing but started to get thirsty.

Guess you stood up a little too quickly because your foot caught on one of the legs of the table and you almost had a little mini heart attack as you expect to fall on your face when you felt something pull you upright. It was weird at first but you decided that maybe your balance was getting better. God knows you're not the most graceful person on earth.

As you walked towards the dispenser to get water, you looked for the stack of cups beside it and as you were reaching your hand, you accidentally toppled the pile of crackers beside them. It's a huge pile that's typically arranged neatly every morning by the staff - and there it is again. Some force that prevented it from toppling over completely. Only a few fell over and you picked it up and put it back to it's original condition to the best of your ability.

"Ah Ben, stop hanging around the food section and be my partner for this next dance," you hear Klaus called out to no one in particular. You know everyone here and you're sure as hell there's no one named Ben. You decided to walk back to your desk and continued to draw.

~

"Yoohoo, Benerino, stop hanging around Y/N all the time and teach me again how the first step goes?" Klaus asked Ben as he walked from the food section to where Klaus is trying to mimic the dance instructor.

"You're really bad at that," Ben said as he walk towards Klaus.

"Hey, watch it! Besides practice makes perfect," Klaus said as he started shaking is body to the rhythm.

Ben scoffs at Klaus before looking back to where you are sitting. He was surprised to see that you were looking over Klaus drawing of him, and you were smiling? He smiled at you before Klaus called out to Ben again to help him with his tango.

All 4 chapters are up!

tagging @mayempress @hiraeth-maximoff @keiladragon @ohmyitsfaith @raritysyarn​

[jennyboom21]

The New York Times is facing backlash following an opinion piece about Taylor Swift and queer sexuality that some have deemed invasive, and with everyone chiming in, things are getting messy, fast. So what’s really going on?

Last Thursday, an op-ed penned by writer Anna Marks was published in The New York Times. Although it centered around Taylor Swift, and the longstanding speculation by fans surrounding queer-flagging in her music, her relationships with women thought to be more than just friends, and the rumor that she had intended to come out during the Lover era, the heart of the piece was about how modern society seems determined to prove we still aren’t ready to embrace LGBTQ+ celebrities in the same way as (perceived) straight celebrities.

She pointed to the obsession both the media and fans have with picking apart Swift’s love life—real, perceived, or completely fabricated—and how that’s okay, so long as it remains viewed through a heteronormative lens. She discussed the difference between celebrities coming out and average people coming out, the risks that are faced, the expectations of what “coming out” looks like, and how culture has historically and repeatedly forced Sapphic readings of art to be “ignored, censored, or lost to time.”

But all some people saw was speculation—hardly new—that Taylor Swift might not be straight. And that was a problem.

CNN Business(?) gets involved.

Two days later, CNN Business put forth the claim that “Taylor Swift’s associates” were upset about the op-ed.

“Because of her massive success, in this moment there is a Taylor-shaped hole in people’s ethics,” the anonymous source said. “This article wouldn’t have been allowed to be written about Shawn Mendes or any male artist whose sexuality has been questioned by fans.

They added: “There seems to be no boundary some journalists won’t cross when writing about Taylor, regardless of how invasive, untrue, and inappropriate it is - all under the protective veil of an ‘opinion piece,’” while the article’s writer, Oliver Darcy, claimed Swift herself has refuted being part of the LGBTQ+ community. (In actuality, she once made a remark about realizing she could “advocate for a community [she’s] not a part of,” which is hardly the firm denial some want to think it is. Particularly so soon after Billie Eilish came out after explicitly saying she was straight several years earlier.)

This soon blew up, drawing more ire towards the original piece, despite several questionable aspects of the CNN article.

For one, although it’s common for sources close to a celebrity to speak to a publication about something, CNN Business is an unusual choice—which suggests an unusual source.

There was also notable pushback against the idea that nobody would speculate about a male celebrity’s sexuality, particularly when Marks herself previously wrote a similar piece about Harry Styles.

Chely Wright chimes in.

Marks’ op-ed opened by discussing the struggles country music star Chely Wright had coming out as gay back in 2010.

Despite Wright’s wife, Lauren Blitzer, initially reposting the NYT op-ed, saying, “I’ll just leave this right here,” after the backlash began, Wright herself called the piece “triggering,” “not because the writer mentioned my nearly ending my life—but seeing a public person’s sexuality being discussed is upsetting.”

Having such exquisite firsthand experience with society’s unwillingness to move away from heteronormative expectations for public figures, Wright’s opinion is both valid and understandable.

What Taylor Swift herself has said.

Swift hasn’t responded to the controversy, which is to be expected, as she rarely comments on these matters directly.

Her publicist, Tree Paine, also has not appeared to comment, whether publicly or through the trades as an anonymous source—despite taking to Twitter to directly shut down “fabricated lies” about Swift from gossip account deuxmoi less than two months ago.

Where this leaves things.

Regardless of where Swift falls on the sexuality spectrum, two things are true.

First, the big uproar about Marks’ op-ed ultimately just proves her point. The fact that so many people have repeatedly felt the need to “defend” Swift against “allegations” of possibly being queer highlights what we all know—that coming out as LGBTQ+ is still seen as a strike against someone, something that can cause damage to their career.

This is something Marks’ piece hammered home again and again, while speculating both that it would take a massive celebrity like Swift coming out to move the needle in this way of thinking and that we keep proving she would not be embraced if she did.

“For [the majority of fans], acknowledging even the possibility that Ms. Swift could be queer would irrevocably alter the way they connect with her celebrity, the true product they’re consuming,” she wrote.

Secondly, it has repeatedly been people insisting that queer celebrities who have not explicitly come out of the closet publicly are straight, rather than those speculating they might be queer, that have forced them to come out. We’ve seen this with Kit Connor, Dove Cameron, and Rita Ora in the not-so-distant past, to name a few.

So is the NYT piece causing harm? Or is it CNN Business, Taylor’s “associates,” and everyone “defending” her—when she and her team have never appeared to feel queer rumors are something she needs defending against—who are causing a bigger problem?

Marks did not call for Swift to come out—nor do most of the fans who think she may be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Instead, they simply reaffirm the idea that nobody has to come out with a big, explicit announcement the way straight people generally expect coming out to look like, and that both queer readings of art and queer-flagging have long been a part of queer culture. They are valid, and immeasurably important in a society that still is not as accepting as it could be. Demanding “straight until proven otherwise” is an attempt to diminish that and force people out before they are ready—and that is one of the points that is being completely lost on the people who are failing to look at the bigger picture laid out so thoughtfully right in front of them.

“The stories that dominate our collective imagination shape what our culture permits artists and their audiences to say and be,” Marks wrote. “Every time an artist signals queerness and that transmission falls on deaf ears, that signal dies. Recognizing the possibility of queerness — while being conscious of the difference between possibility and certainty — keeps that signal alive.”

[figbian]

Tell Me of the dunmeshi wip 👀 that title bangs. also tell me about frat au and how much of it is based on The Frat.

dungeon meshi wip CONTAINS MANGA SPOILERS so putting it under a readmore. everyone else has to suffer thru frat au info.

frat au is only Sort Of based on The Frat (dear readers, this fanfiction author joined a fraternity and is a brother of [loud car horn]). due to the like ways fe3h works narratively, it felt a lot more true to a Good AU to be honest to an all-male fraternity, so it draws on The Frat's past (as we didnt haze, but hazing definitely used to occur) as well as info from other fraternities or fraternity-like structures (and a handful of How Do College-Age Boys Behave anecdotes coming directly from my real life college-age brother who is Not a frat boy).

sylvain, dimitri, and others are in a frat. their fathers (plus rodrigue lol) were in this frat. etc. not exactly explored but crucial to the narrative: how traditional fraternities uphold like lineage and legacies in college settings and why that creates bad gatekeeping etc etc etc. basically the ways fraternities suck on an individual level (hazing, unhealthy relationship to substances, pressure to conform to a certain set of standards, etc) AND the ways they operate on a structural level in a shitty way.

the plot however is: sylvain returns from some time off at university. in his time off, he's effectively ghosted his friends and no one knows what happened/why he vanished. felix is recovering from an injury that delayed his journey to become a professional tennis star (<- lol). they've known each other for so long, they both have dead brothers, but also how much do they really know about each other?

posting this snippet SPECIFICALLY for brothers of [siren wail]. i think youll all recognize the inspo for 'the green room.'

“maybe we should shift to explosions,” raphael said as he came back into the room, looking over at the car crumpling into a tree playing on the television. “for the vibe.” “the vibe,” agreed sylvain, privately wondering if there was that much of a difference between crashes and explosions. he figured that any kind of disaster suited the green room. the windowless room in the phi ep basement––named for the carpeting, which had, once, allegedly, been green (sylvain’s efforts to deep clean last spring had failed to prove anything except that one should always wear shoes in the green room)––was less of a vibe and more…well. the couches were all leather––easier to clean if someone puked on them; the ceiling had suspicious stains; the walls were covered in bad murals painted over several years of pledging––and sylvain would know they were bad, being an art history major; the tv sat on a pile of wooden crates. at least the sound system wasn’t terrible. when sylvain wanted to impress girls, he never brought them to the green room. he sat back on the couch and spread his legs. “yeah, fuck it,” he heard himself say. “explosions.”

dungeon meshi fic is suuuper rough rn. its Probably a 5+1 of 5 times marcille's friends died and 1 time they didnt (hahaha) but what i have written so far is all about chilchuck going senile and dying. the fic is very obviously tackling like "what happens when the people you love and remember as young and full of life grow old, and how is preparing for someone's death as painful as their death itself" BUT ALSO is about "what if the dragon part of falin makes her age at the same rate as marcille...and how is that, in some ways, worse than if she just lived as a human did?" bcs As You Know im always interested in the question "when is it true that living beyond when the narrative expects you to is worse than dying?" that part just doesnt have a lot written.

there is NOT a lot written that i posted for wip wednesday but here:

chilchuck has lost most of his teeth, so he has to eat porridge and other soft foods. “at least it’s not monsters,” he says to marcille every morning, which was funny the first few times and now is depressing. “yeah,” says marcille, pouring some sugar into his tea. it’s unclear to marcille––who, despite having half a century to prepare for this, feels unprepared––exactly when chilchuck seems to think it is. he keeps asking about his wife, his shop, his daughters, whether or not they could resurrect falin.  “have i reached out to her?” he asks. his wife, he means. mostly he seems to think they’ve just defeated the winged lion. marcille has not gained much patience in last fifty eight years; having to admit to mistakes she made fifty eight years ago every day for the last couple of years has been––hard. it’s been hard. “no,” she says, gritting her teeth. chilchuck’s ex-wife died fourteen years ago. marcille learned many mornings ago it’s best to convince chilchuck to write her a letter that cannot be sent rather than make him relive his grief every day.

[bakuliwrites]

So, I've been in the midst of planning for a longer BG3 fic featuring my Tav, Orlando (a Tiefling with a deep sea aesthetic), and her questline, were she to have one. However, my brain is in a bit of a fog right now and all I've really been able to write for it are a series of letters between her and Gortash. Also, Gortash storyline spoilers. TW: toxic relationship, slightly suggestive

For some context, I wrote up a post about them here. Otherwise, here are the final letters they sent one another before Orlando was captured by the mindflayers and tadpoled. Orlando doesn't have any idea what Gortash is up to, other than he's rising in the political sphere. She's not sure how, but she has some suspicions. Note: They write in code to one another and Gortash signs his letters as EF because Orlando knew him mostly as his surname Flymm when they were young

Orlando to Gortash:

My Cherished E,

I grow weary of you dodging my questions. You act as if you are doing me a favor by sparing me the dirty details of your work. You are not a martyr, and I am not a little girl trapped in a pond in the dank basement of a devil’s lair. I can handle whatever it is you have done. I have my own skeletons in the closet, as you well know. Over the years, you have shown me yours piece by piece, rib by rib, vertebrae by vertebrae. Can you not simply rip the wool from my eyes? I don’t care what it costs me. I suffer more in the dark. 

You speak of our future together as if it is set in stone, yet when I ask to come see you, you deny me. You push me away, E. And then draw me back in, time and again, with promises of tomorrow. You say your furtiveness is for my protection. But I think you are afraid of something. Of me, E? Of me leaving? I won’t make promises I can’t keep, but can’t you at least grant me the respect of knowledge? Can’t you tell me what “grand plan” you have that’s to guarantee our future? 

Sometimes I wonder if, perhaps, you are ashamed of us. Of where we came from, who we used to be. Would I be a detriment to your campaign? Were I to show up in the midst of your glory, would I disrupt the delicate balance you’ve built? You run from the past, as do I, but I’m tired of it. 

E, as always- as it has been since our youth and as it shall always be- my heart is yours. But if our path is to be one paved in secrecy and withholding, I will need to reevaluate where we stand with one another. It is painful for me to write this, but I have shed too many tears to remain reticent over the matter.

Yours Eternally,

OM

Gortash's Response:

My Abyssal Angel,

You wound me. If you would indulge me for a moment- imagine me, sitting at the desk in my office, bathed in fading candlelight, head hung in defeat as I pour over the letters you’ve sent me these last several months. Imagine the heavy sigh that escapes my lips as my eyes sweep over the closing of your last communication. Can you not hear the very ache of my heart when I read your cutting words? To imply that I have some ulterior motive for keeping my work from you wounds my very soul. My secrecy is your safety. My discretion, your protection.

Nothing has changed, my dearest. There is, and forever shall be, a place for you at my side. As there always has been. We are equals. My plans have always included space for you. But I “martyr” myself (as you put it) not just for you, but for my campaign. What if our letters were to be intercepted? What if our code were to be broken? What then? All would fall to ruin. I would have nothing to give you. But if you are going to be so insistent upon knowing the nitty-gritty details, then it seems I can no longer hide them from you. Come to me in Baldur’s Gate, quick as you can, and I will divulge everything. Let me prove to you that it is not shame I feel. I work only to protect you. 

But I must warn you- what you learn will irrevocably alter the nature of our relationship. If you are ready for this, then by all means, come to me. Allow me to show you the fruits of my labor. Perhaps, when you partake in their glitz and glamor, you will understand why I have done what I have. Or perhaps not. Maybe you will find an underlying bitterness to their saccharine taste. Either way, come to me. Allow me to hold you one last time as the man you’ve known since our youth, before you meet the one I have become. 

As it has been since our youth- as it shall always be- my heart is forfeit to you, O. I await your reply with bated breath. 

Yours with Fervor,

EF

Orlando's Response:

My Cherished E,

I wrote my last missive to you in a bout of sorrow and anger. I was upset. It was a hastily written, ill thought out rambling that should not have made it past the privacy of my diary.

E, what knowledge could you impart unto me that would so vastly alter my feelings for you? Even so, I will accept what you have to say. I will come to you in Baldur’s Gate, post haste. I can wait no longer. Too many years we have spent apart. It feels as if ages of the world have fallen away while we have sat idle. My heart yearns for yours. The sea bore me away from you. It is the sea that will carry me back. Share with me the strife you have faced in my absence. Share with me the secrets that weigh heaviest on your mind. I will listen with patience. 

In a tenday, wait for me upon the docks. I will appear to you there, by the light of the stars, and you can make me yours. For however long that might be. One night or forever, I don’t care. I simply cannot live this way anymore. 

Yours Eternally,

OM

Gortash’s Response:

My Abyssal Angel,

You need not apologize for voicing your concerns. In fact, I find your combativeness refreshing. A stark change from the Devil’s Dutiful Daughter act you once put on for that oaf, Raphael. You have changed, blossomed in your years since our captivity. We’ve both grown so very much.

I look forward to seeing more of that fire in you when you arrive in Baldur’s Gate. You have embers in you, O. Unleash them. Let them blaze as bright as I know they can. I can feel them straining against the confines of your lungs. Breathe your fire, my darling. Set the world alight with me.

We are not tools. We are not pawns or playthings or trinkets to display. As I said before, you will always have a place at my side, a part to play in my work. Soon you will see what part that is. And soon, you will be by my side. For good, if that is what you should want. Our union would be good not only for the two of us, but for the world.

I know you do not keep up with news in Baldur’s Gate, but I know you are aware that I have been rising in the ranks these last several years (hence the secrecy). I now have every reason to believe that I will be crowned Archduke soon enough. I should like it if you are there for my coronation. Date, to be determined. It may be a few weeks, yet. If you can stay in Baldur’s Gate that long, I can promise you a most thrilling visit.

But enough shop talk. All will be illuminated once you arrive. Hopefully, by then, I’ll be more than I am now.

With Adoration,

EF

P.S. I have come to understand that the throne in the audience chamber of Wyrm’s Rock is padded. My imagination runs rampant, my darling. Already I can feel the lick of your newfound flame on my lips…

[mrakobulka]

I don’t normally share personal stuff on my socials as it makes me feel awkward talking about myself knowing people are here for my art, but I'm at a point where I need to let things off my chest and make some changes to how I go about my work. This is going to be a long rant.

I’ve been a commission artist for years and I cherish people trusting me with their characters and paying for my work. I set up rules for myself to ensure that I'm trustworthy, like prioritizing commissioned art over personal and completing each piece in a few weeks to a month. Despite having depression for several years, I’ve mostly managed to stick to those rules and felt proud about it, but it’s been increasingly hard to do so in the last few years due to my country’s politics and aggression. It became even harder now when personal matters got in the mix as well

Last October my grandpa suffered a stroke, which led to him passing in December. As if that wasn’t enough grief, around the time of his funeral I also found out that Marusya - my loyal feline companion for the last 19 years - is suffering from kidney failure. As I began adjusting to the new rhythm of life dictated by her condition, the universal cat distribution system decided not to wait for her passing and threw Anfisa my way - a stray that hid in the common hall of my apartment complex while temperatures outside went as low as -16C.

I know taking another pet when already struggling with a sick senior cat wasn’t the smartest move, but at first I planned to find Anfisa’s old owners or get her new ones. Unfortunately, the stray problem in my city is huge and I ended up keeping her as I couldn’t throw her back into the street. While I understood that taking care of a stray would bring more vet bills into my life, I felt confident at the time that I was financially able to handle it, but Anfisa brought with her a surprise pregnancy that I had to eliminate to avoid adding to the stray problem. In order to do that I had to dig into my savings.

Even though I still manage to juggle vet bills and my basic necessities, the last few months have been incredibly draining for me financially, mentally and physically. Taking care of my cats’ health, I’ve completely neglected my own and ended up having to deal with several medical issues that surfaced as a result of stress. On top of that, I’ve also completely neglected the need to create for my personal enjoyment, which has led to my mental health worsening as well. I felt like I couldn’t afford drawing for myself as vet bills kept piling up and I needed to take more and more work to manage while sticking to my rules and keeping my commissioners satisfied. 

I’m sharing all of this just to explain my current situation and the mindset I ended up being stuck in. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for giving me work as I wouldn’t be able to make it this far without the support you give me <3 Still, I realized that my own relationship with my art and my workflow became detrimental to my physical and mental health and, if anything, damaged my ability to complete commissioned work in time more than helping it. Add to that the infestation of genAI that’s been happening recently and the horrible algorithms killing engagement that slowly destroy my motivation to share my art at all (some of you might have noticed that I barely post on twitter now and completely neglect my other platforms).

With all that said, all I want to do is let people know that my commissioned work will be taking longer than usual to be completed for the foreseeable future as I don’t want to force myself to work on art in the moments when I’m struggling with either physical pain or mental turmoil. I would also like to ask you to be understanding if you see me post personal art, make adopts or take more commissioned work before yours is completed. Unfortunately my current circumstances demand emergency funds every now and then and I can’t help it + I need to take a breather every now and then. All I can promise is that I’ll never bite more than I can chew and will deliver everything I owe in due time.

I know this was a long read, but thank you if you stuck till the end and I hope my ranting won’t turn you off my artwork : ‘ D 

And to add some positivity to my rant, here's cat tax:

Calico one is Marusya and white/grey one is Anfisa

[theoriginalladya]

Destiny's Fate

Destiny’s Fate is the main story in my ShepShep world. John and Jane Shepard have known one another since they were fifteen years old. Through thick and thin they’ve been friend, lover, and spouse to one another. Destiny has a grand plan for them.

Until Jane dies over Alchera and John finally finds a way to live again. When they meet up again on Horizon, both their worlds are shattered. Harsh words and bitterness ensue, as does a divorce, leaving them on a different sort of battlefield. A personal one.

But Destiny’s grand plan cannot be changed, and as the promised Reaper attack gets underway, they are brought together once more to face the greatest threat all civilization in the galaxy has ever known. Can they set aside their differences enough to partner up and defeat the common enemy? Or will their own personal battles defeat them in the process?

Summary: Once united in all things, Destiny has guided John and Jane Shepard to separate, divergent paths; however, both know the future holds a far greater threat than the rest of the galaxy is willing to acknowledge. Can they join together one last time to complete the mission they started together, or will Fate deal them a final losing hand …

Tags: marriage, divorce, strained relationships, angst, pregnancy (past), loss of pregnancy (past), emotional hurt/comfort, death, descrption of battle, biotics, injury

Chapter: Swimming Upstream

Word Count: approximately 2600

Excerpt:

The trickle of water echoes eerily around her as consciousness finds Jane, and for just a second, she smiles and sighs.  Whoever would have thought Anderson would have a decorative waterfall in his apartment?  But something is off about the sound; it’s flat and dull, more a leaky faucet than soothing musical interlude in life.  A frown forms and she shifts her hip. Pain shoots up her right leg, not stopping until it reaches her right shoulder.  With a groan and a forceful heave to lever herself upward, she slowly opens her eyes. “Where the fuck am I?” Though dark, bits of light do give her some perspective, bright slivers shaped by the beams of metal and reflecting on multiple shards of glass lying around her.  Drawing her lower lip between her teeth, she shifts again, gaining her legs beneath her.  Her entire body aches.  From her head to her ribs, all the way down to the knuckle of her left pinky toe, everything hurts.  The pain itself is more blinding than the light, and she pauses for a long moment to take several deep breaths, willing it away.  Only, she can’t get it all the way in, not without her ribs screaming and unconsciousness teasing at the corners of her vision. “Fuck!” In her mind, a deep, rumbling laugh echoes.  Who needs air?  You’re Commander Fucking Shepard, aren’t you?

~~~

Read on AO3 // Read from Beginning // Read Destiny’s Fate:Downtime // Read Series

Thank you all for reading and your comments! Feel free to drop an ask if you have questions about ShepShep or just want to talk about them! :)

Also, for those interested, I've recreated my ShepShep Playlist over on Spotify. It includes songs I've listened to at various times throughout the writing of the Destiny series, not just this story.

~~~

Sorry for the seven month delay, but life has been a bit challenging most of this year! However, things seem to be on the upswing finally, so let's see what happens next for ShepShep, hmm?

[sunflowerwilds]

my friend silver did it (months ago at this point) and i'm such a sucker for talking non-stop about my ocs so here's all the oc emoji ask questions with my beloved hone,,,,,

people 👁️ EYE - what colour are their eyes? do people notice their eyes? is there anything special about them (shows emotion easily, literally magical…)? ▸soft blue with purple sectoral heterochromia in both eyes! no one really notices since heterochromia isn't uncommon in the sun's reach. 🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they’re lying? ▸nah he's a terrible liar. people see right through him. his most common lie is trying to say he's alright when in severe physical pain because he doesn't want to worry anyone...no one buys it.

👻 GHOST - do they believe in ghosts? what are their “ghostly experiences”, if any? ▸the afterlife canonically does not exist in ASHES, so neither do ghosts. that said, hone likes to believe that his parents are with him in spirit, even though he knows that can't possibly be true.

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with? ▸overwhelmingly grief. he has a really hard time coping with loss since he has never really been given the time to grieve. he also struggles with loneliness and the fear of losing himself.

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily? ▸experiencing any strong emotions, when he gets lost in thought, reminiscing about the past, etc etc. i wouldn't say he cries easily, but he is prone to it- he's not the kind of guy to hold it in.

👊 PUNCH - are they quick to violence? ▸absolutely not. he will only draw his sword(s) as a last resort and even then he'd do his best to not injure his opponent if he can help it. he will do everything in his power to avoid conflict.

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to? ▸when he gets lost in his head it's hard to get through to him since he has to come to by himself. he's also incredibly stubborn/steadfast in his beliefs and that gets particularly on mug's nerves. he has a bad habit of downplaying the intensity of pain he's in.

👪 FAMILY - what is their family like? what is your ocs relationship to them? does your oc have any siblings? ▸hone has his mom and dad! he's an only child. his parents would do anything in the world for him and he loves them to no end. he also has his extended family on his mother's side, those of which he gets along with to varying degrees.

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into “flight” or “fight”? ▸definitely fight, but more so in the sense that he'd stand his ground. would 100% put himself in harms way to protect someone he cares about.

💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep? ▸yes. aside from his four year coma, hone can and does fall asleep anywhere with relative ease. once he's out, he's out. the further into the plot the more frequently he sleeps because as things progress, he becomes more physically tired all the time.

-=-=-=-=-=-=- food & drinks 🥞 PANCAKE - what is their comfort breakfast? ▸he's doesn't really eat breakfast, but anything home-cooked by a family member he'd consider comforting! if i had to pick something though, i'd say some kind of breakfast meat and eggs.

🎂 BIRTHDAY CAKE - when is their birthday? do they like celebrating it? ▸dec 30th! as a kid/teen he used to really like it because he could be surrounded by family and friends- he hasn't gotten the chance to celebrate one as an adult yet since he was asleep for four years. 🍩 DONUT - favourite sweet treat? ▸any kind of cobbler or crumble!

🍟 FRIES - do they order food often? or they prefer to cook their own food? ▸nowadays he buys inexpensive things for the road that can be kept for long term such as salted meats and dried fruits. he does know a few basic things he learned from his mom growing up and he'd like to learn more one day if he gets the chance to settle down.

☕️ HOT BEVERAGE - do they prefer hot or cold drinks? what is their favourite drink? ▸hot drinks! his favourite was a floral tea his parents gave him whenever he had one of his 'attacks' growing up. bonus: hone's such a lightweight and can't hold his alcohol, but he likes small sips of fruity cocktails.

🍓 STRAWBERRY - do they eat their fruit & veg? what is their favourite fruit or vegetable? ▸both! doesn't prefer one over the other as he's not picky. favourite fruit: persimmons or peaches; favourite vegetable: beetroot or fennel

🍰 CAKE SLICE - favourite cake flavour? are they specific about types of cakes? ▸probably just vanilla with buttercream. again, he's not picky about food!

🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it? ▸unfortunately no :( the closest thing would be his father's old order badge as it's the only keepsake he has to remember his parents by. he would be bummed if he lost it, but considering his reluctant willingness to part with it early in the plot means it wouldn't be the end of the world for him. luckily he was able to keep it. -=-=-=-=-=-=-

plants & nature 💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite? ▸poppies-- consolation, remembrance, death; hyssop-- protection, health, sacrifice; and gladiolus-- moral integrity and strength of character ehehehe. poppies are his favourite.

🌙 MOON - what is your oc’s greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it? ▸this is hard to answer because it goes into spoiler territory regarding his character arc so i will refrain for now, but know that this wish is something he is willing to die for.

🌋 VOLCANO - how bad is their temper? is it a slow boil, or a instant explosion? ▸he's definitely slow to anger. it takes a lot and the right trigger to make hone upset, and even then his temper is pretty mellow.

🌺 HIBISCUS - do they have any allergies? ▸nope!

🍁 MAPLE LEAF - what is their favourite season? why? ▸fall! it's the perfect time for hearty food likes stews (his favourite food is rabbit stew), the temperature is perfect and the colors of the leaves remind him of his boyfriend <3

🍃 FALLING LEAF - do they enjoy being in nature? what is their favourite outdoor activity? ▸yes! hone spends more time outside than inside mostly due to circumstance. his favourite activity is horseback riding; either free riding or being out on a trail, he just enjoys being with horses.

☀️ SUN - are they a morning person? what is the first thing they do in the morning? ▸entirely depends. his status as a morning person or not completely varies on how much sleep he gets.

🕷️ SPIDER - what is their biggest fear? do they have any irrational / mundane fears? ▸death and the loss of one's self. he's also afraid of his own body failing him at the worst possible time.

🌹 ROSE - do they like valentines day? have they been confessed to before? have they confessed to anyone before? ▸sort of. he doesn't like that it focuses too much on romantic love and believes other types of loves should be recognized too. but on the other hand, he's 100% the one to have confessed his feelings to sylvan first... except they've never been able to spend this day together for reasons...

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don’t want to show other people? ▸he wants to ignite hope in others but is having a hard time coping with his physical exhaustion and fatigue. he doesn't want people to see him in this perpetual state of decline.

🙊 SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about? ▸he will not stand for anyone speaking ill of his father and will defend his him. he's also not a fan of diurne or his dogma and holds many reservations about the clergy's actions to follow through with it.

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone? ▸anyone trying to use his parents or their deaths as a means of insulting or taunting him; in addition, he does not take kindly to those who joke about or take death lightly.

🌱 SEEDLING - what is their most vivid memory from childhood? ▸if he had to pick one: a summer trip with his parents and sylvan to their vacation home. this trip is where he and sylvan reaffirmed their feelings for each other.

🍀 CLOVER - do they believe in luck? are they lucky? ▸not particularly. if anything he's ambivalent to the concept.

🌏 EARTH - will they give up the world for someone they love? is this decision easy for them? ▸no.

🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them? ▸hone came out of literally nowhere during one of the worst periods of my life (at the time). like mug and imura, he was a dnd oc and the first thing i decided about him was he was a catboy with two swords. the dnd version of him and the current version of him are two very different characters. ▸the dnd campaign required our characters have a curse. i stole the fire on his chest from sonic and the secret rings and went, "ok but what if, unlike the game, it actually was a threat" and spiraled from there. funnily enough, he's not the first character i've done that with. he wasn't even the phoenix at this point either, just a random guy. ▸if i had to pinpoint any other inspirations, it'd have to be link from the legend of zelda, especially skyward sword's. though if i'm being honest, tloz is my biggest inspiration for everything i write, even if i don't realize it right away so this comes as no real surprise to me. ▸an additional source of inspiration i've found in retrospect since starting this post, is the player character from persona 3. -=-=-=-=-=-=-

activity ⚾ BASEBALL - can they play sports? what is their best position if they play a team sport? what’s their strong suit (speed, power etc.)? ▸if swordplay counts as a sport then sure! hone is ambidextrous and is able to fight using two swords. his strong suit would have to be his adaptability as things like speed and power completely depend on his physical well-being at the time.

🏊 SWIMMING - can they swim? or are they afraid of water? how well do they swim? how do they feel about swimming in the ocean? ▸yes. he's pretty average and doesn't do so very often. he's never swam in the ocean before so he'd probably be a bit hesitant at first but ultimately be pretty neutral. -=-=-=-=-=-=-

objects 📣 MEGAPHONE - how loud are they? what do they speak like? got a voice claim? ▸depends on who he's around. normally, anywhere between a regular speaking voice and a quieter, more withdrawn tone. he does raise his voice when worked up but it takes a lot to get to that point. his voice claim is khoi dhao!

📖 OPEN BOOK - do they like reading? what’s their favourite genre? ▸he doesn't dislike reading but he prefers other, more active activities. his favourite genre(s) would probably be anything that correlated with his other interests: like xenofiction feat. horses or some adventure with fun sword fights.

🪤 MOUSE TRAP - what will always lure them into certain danger? a loved one in danger? a promise of something they are always searching for? ▸the possibility of answer(s); about himself or even his predecessor. anything that can potentially help him better understand what's going on in the present.

🎭 MASKS - do they act differently around certain people? what’s different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.? ▸when he was a kid, he was incredibly friendly to everyone around him. nowadays he's very wary of strangers and seems to actively avoid the order. he's super affectionate with family and friends and only really opens up to those he feels safe around.

✂️ SCISSORS - what is the “last straw” for them to cut someone out of their life? how easily do they let go of people? ▸he doesn't know what its like to actively cut someone from his life because he's always been on the receiving end, the one who was left behind.

💡 LIGHTBULB - is your oc a planner? do they write down every small detail or just wing it? ▸everything hone does is completely by the seat of his pants. this guy has no clue what he's doing at any given moment.

💎 DIAMOND - how rich are they? can they live the lifestyle they want to? ▸growing up, his family was fairly wealthy because of cairn's position as the former order head. his parents didn't spoil him but he was allowed to have a few luxuries- like toys or treats, especially after his 'attacks'. they wanted him to have a comfortable childhood. he lost access to his inheritance when he disappeared and now has pretty much nothing other than the few things gifted to him by his remaining family (his horse and swords). he hasn't gotten the chance to discover what his lifestyle as an adult is like.

🎁 PRESENT - what types of presents would they be most happy to receive? are they good at gift giving? ▸food! a meal is all he could ask for. some quality time with his loved ones as well. other than flowers for sylvan, he's not good with tangible gifts.

🍼 BABY BOTTLE - what are their thoughts on children? ▸has never considered having kids and probably won't. he doesn't mind them though; he gets along really well with his young cousins and mugwort.

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame? ▸if it's something minor, he'll drop whatever he's doing to rush over to help. if the injury is significant enough, it'll put him in a state of temporary despair before he gets angry and protective. depending on if he could have prevented it, he would blame himself.

👑 CROWN - what does your oc want to be remembered as? why? ▸*see answer for moon

✏️ PENCIL - is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them? ▸i could hear the signs calling out from the bottom of the fire

🎵 MUSIC NOTE - what is their playlist like? do you associate a particular song with them? ▸ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/15IekAEKcogAHJ1XL7Wkee?si=11623cbee98445a3

🎤 MICROPHONE - are they good at singing? what is their go-to karaoke song? ▸ he has a good singing voice but his talents go unused aside from sometimes humming a specific song he claims he's heard in his dreams.

🎷 SAXOPHONE - do they play any instruments? are they any good at it? ▸ nope.

📚 BOOKS - how were they at school? what is their best subject? what is their worst subject? do they have a favourite subject? ▸schools aren't really a thing in the sun's reach. education is placed upon parents or people with specialties they hire to teach their children. therefore, subjects vary wildly and often times kids can chose what to learn. hone was an avid learner, but he had to actively do the thing he was taught or else it wouldn't stick. his favourite was anything outside or required he be active and his least favourite would probably be more 'academically' leaning lessons, such as math or writing.

👖 JEANS - what is their go-to outfit? ▸aside from not being able to properly wear a shirt, his go to outfit is a pair of riding pants and boots. aside from pink, he likes monochromatic or neutral dark colors. ideally he'd like to wear something a little... more but because of the fire, he overheats so he's making do with the vest. somehow he always manages to find a replacement for the pants he grows out of.

🎨 PALETTE - can they draw? what do they like to draw? ▸not well.

⏳ HOURGLASS - are they usually late or on-time? ▸early!

🔫 PISTOL - do they trust people easily? ▸no. he's always been rather cautious of strangers but now more so than ever. that said, once you have his trust, you have it for life.

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact. ▸hone learned he was ambidextrous through his sword lessons and spars with sylvan. growing up he used to solely write with his left hand since he would mimic his dad; now he'll use either but his handwriting is significantly better with his left.

❇️ SPARKLE - what is their most prized possession? what do they value? ▸it's between his father's old badge and the swords that he left for him. both act as a symbol of protection for him and the latter are even named in his parent's honour.

📏 RULER - is your oc well educated? where did they get their learning from? ▸*see answer for books; he's as well educated as his parents could provide for him. -=-=-=-=-=-=-

weather 🌩️ LIGHTNING - are they scared of lightning? ▸nope.

🌪️ TORNADO - what is the biggest change you’ve ever made to them? how have they changed from their original version? ▸making him the phoenix reborn! i brought it up in a few other points but he was literally just some guy before. this gave him better purpose in the narrative and higher stakes. fun fact: additionally, the reveal of this was supposed to be end of the story information, the climax, like a big twist reveal but then i didn't have a story leading up to that point so it was changed to much closer to the beginning.

🌈 RAINBOW - what advice would they give to their younger self? ▸"life may be difficult sometimes; it may seem like the world is out to get you and beat you down... but there's always a light on the other side and people who care for you. pick yourself up, carry on and live that life to the fullest, surrounded by the people you love. be yourself and not what the world expects you to be."

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self? ▸ [answered] ▸he often feels he's responsible for more than he truly is based on expectations placed upon him. he also pushes himself too hard physically without allowing for supple amounts of rest. with a little nudge from the people who care about him, he has to remind himself to be more gentle and that he doesn't have to carry the world on his shoulders... but he often just falls back in to the same spirals. ☁️ CLOUD - a soft headcanon ▸he purrs in his sleep

🌟 GLOWING STAR - what do they think about when they look at the night sky? is there someone they want to star gaze with? ▸spoilers for the first half! sorry. he likes stargazing with mugwort.

🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make? ▸he'd wish for his chronic pain to go away for good!!

☄️ COMET - what do people assume about them? are they right? ▸depends on what people do or don't know about him via rumours and the like. for the most part people just find him strange. some assume he's really skilled with a sword and while this is true, he's not likely to draw them unless he has no other choice. -=-=-=-=-=-=-

hearts 💓 BEATING HEART - what gets their heart racing? ▸sylvan <3

💘 HEART W/ ARROW - what traits do they look for in a relationship? do they believe in love at first sight? ▸he's only have had sights for one person and only after they were long-term friends first did it grow into something more. he wouldn't know what to look for in another relationship since he's not looking. no, does not believe in love at first sight.

💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they’re in love? ▸hard to tell because he's affectionate toward everyone close to him.

❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)? ▸quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch

💚 GREEN HEART - what things make your oc feel comforted? hugs, kisses, food? ▸hugs, someone playing with/combing through his hair, any of his favourite foods.

💖 SPARKLING HEART - are they a subtle or a showy lover? ▸subtle :>

💔 BROKEN HEART - what could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart? ▸give up on themself

[genericpuff]

How has rekindled impacted your original work? Ive seen some people on the ULO subreddit asking about it 👀

Ouu, great question, but buckle up because that means I'm about to go off LMAO

I'd say it's less that Rekindled has impacted my original work and more like my original work has impacted/influenced Rekindled? Like, there are so many things in the original LO that I can totally resonate with, from its character archetypes to some of its (attempted) themes, so making Rekindled has unexpectedly become a really good fit just because I've been spending the last decade working on a project that now feels like part of the groundwork for it. It's like Time Gate unknowingly became the training manual for Rekindled. Obv that's not 100% true because Rekindled is just a foefiction project I started up out of spite, but the only reason I'm able to write and draw Rekindled as it is now is partly thanks to Time Gate and all the blunders I made and learned from working on it the past 10+ years.

And if you don't believe me when I say that LO and subsequently Rekindled have a lot in common with Time Gate? Hoo boy, there are a ton of big and little things that can be pointed out between them. Whether that means I was always meant to make a foefiction for LO or if Rachel and I are both just that basic, no matter what the underlying explanation is it worked out well and I think it's why I enjoy working on Rekindled so much, it feels like a fresh twist on an old look.

CW: blood, violence, mild mention of trauma

Like, you want the dichotomy between Persephone and her wrathful side? Have some Uzuki and her parasitism.

You want the reluctant relationship between Hades and Persephone who are from completely different worlds and have no business working together? Have some Uzuki and Mitsuhiro.

You want the interpersonal conflicts and contrasting worldbuilding of Olympus and the Underworld? Unifreya (the Light Realm) and the Trinity's Vigil (the Dark Realm).

Shit, we even have a self-insert OC who's a victim of severe physical and mental trauma who doesn't remember what she went through because the guy she's with took matters into his own hands and erased her memories of what she went through, instead of allowing her to make her own decisions in her healing.

And yes, we've got a tyrannical time-manipulating god, too.

Anyways, all that aside, I've definitely been finding people going back and reading Time Gate since I started Rekindled, my monthly view count has also gone up since I went on hiatus with it, so I suppose Rekindled has impacted Time Gate in that way. Though it's no guarantee that if you like Rekindled you'll like Time Gate, it's quite an old series and it's gone through a lot of growing pains LOL but it definitely shares a lot of the same characterizations and themes so it at least has that going for it! See what I'm like when I'm not purely writing out of spite LMAO

Speaking honestly - and just because it's been on my mind a lot lately so your question was perfectly timed - I've been struggling to get back to Time Gate. On the one hand it's been great to work through the burnout by pre-occupying myself with another, fresher project (Time Gate's been on hiatus since about December/January), but on the other hand it's making it harder to get back to Time Gate because that's like asking me to try and squeeze into old outfits that don't fit me anymore? Like, I still love the style and the aesthetic, I still totally want to wear it, but I'm trying to figure out how to transition it into a bigger size that fits better. IDK if that analogy works here but that's just the first thing that came to my mind... and as I said above, it's been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm hoping, at the very least, that anyone who does find Time Gate through Rekindled enjoys it. I'd like to get back to it eventually, I just don't know when that time is. This isn't my first burnout sesh, I know I'm capable of bouncing back as I have many times in the past, but right now it just doesn't feel like a comfortable fit. I need to rest, to do other things, to give my brain something new to chew on. Rekindled is definitely helping a lot with that, especially with all the similarities it naturally shares with Time Gate, it's like I get to have my cake and nibble a bit of it too LOL I owe it a lot for that and I hope I can some day make room for both Time Gate and Rekindled. I have a feeling they'd get along great.

[quaranmine]

🍉

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

very interesting question! i feel like i don't go into writing fanfic with the idea of "i'm going to use this to process things from my real life" and then it just bonks me over the head anyway. like writing is a process where you just cut yourself open and bleed all over the page, and half the time i don't even really realize what i'm doing

i write about a lot of things indirectly. there's pieces of things hidden everywhere. i don't necessarily share the same traumas and experiences of the characters i write about but it's like, oh, if you hold it to the light at this specific angle, you'll see what i poured into it. not all my fics are like this, some are just ideas i had, but i'm a pretty introspective person who puts a lot of thought into things so a lot of my fics are like this

i have this one watcher!grian wip that's pretty self-indulgent. i hope that i'll post it one day, even if it's just a tiny piece, but it's one of those fics that just got away from me a little even though i love the writing i've done for it. anyway in the fic there's some very specific things that grian struggles with and it took looking at it THREE MONTHS LATER for me to suddenly realize that it was just a repackaged fantasy version of my main personal identity/social crisis i was going through then 😭 it was actually really funny to me i was like WOW i literally didnt even know what i was actually writing about when i made this but it was On My Mind i guess

there's also occasional references to my experiences with chronic illness/autoimmune disease in my fics. i've fortunately been in remission for several years now, so my current chronic illness experience is mostly just "abled adult without any symptoms or pain who is just permanently on medication and slightly immunocompromised." it affects my day to day life very little right now fortunately but the years when i was super sick were some of the worst of my life and are like. VERY core memories of my teenage years. anyway, there's a specific bit of HTBAHB where i draw on that some--specifically, grian's very mixed feelings about being a watcher and if he'd change it or not. with my autoimmune disease, if you gave me an opportunity to take it away or cure it i would accept in a heartbeat. but if you let me go back in time and prevent myself from ever having it? idk if i'd accept. as painful and traumatic as it was, it also very much shaped me how i am today, and the idea of extricating myself from that is strange. maybe the me of the past would have been happier, but she'd be a totally different person. anyway! other people probably have a different take on their traumas and experiences depending on what it was and its affects, so that was a very personal perspective there. additionally i have also incorporated some of this autoimmune disease experience into my listener!jimmy headcanons, but i haven't been able to complete and publish my wip that is About That

firewatch au is also just. extremely this. i'm very sorry but it's gonna be pretty devastatingly sad throughout and y'all just gotta let me have this because somewhere along the way it went from "interesting fun idea i had last year" into "something i Need to write" lsjdflsjfslf. i haven't grieved or lost anyone in the extreme way that grian has, but i think there's just. so many types of loss and grief in the world. lost friends and family (via death or otherwise), lost relationships with people you used to care about so much (and still might care about), lost opportunities and lost chances to have lived a different life or made different choices, the collective loss of living through the pandemic, the persistent environmental and climate grief that stalks my entire chosen career. there will be things that pop up in this story that are referenced from my real life, and things that pop up in the story that align with my own fears/anxieties.

anyway this is why writing is the most terrifying hobby ever i am like really out here every day doing this and then publishing it for strangers on the internet to read and hoping they don't read me too hard

fic writer asks

[muffindaydream]

art vs artist 2023

I lamented the fact that I wasn't able to draw at all this year... earlier in the year my chronic pain that I worked so hard to manage returned and I felt like maybe I would have to give up drawing... not quite!

(in dealing with what might possibly be de quervain's syndrome) I am trying to recontextualize my relationship with art. Last year when I posted an art vs artist, I realized that forcing myself to take extended breaks has been a great refresher and a great tool at preventing art blocks. I absolutely miss drawing every day, and sometimes I feel like the FOMO is getting worse, but I understand that even if I was able to draw as much as I wished, getting older means having to attend to more responsibilities.

also get used to me not really rendering stuff because it can be a bit taxing (and because my tablet has refused to work with my computer for several months now). This was the first year in a long time where my art actually got traction and most of the pieces that went far were ones that were simple un-rendered doodles! tumblr treats me so well, much more than twt has ever done (even before smelly mc nasty took over). You will still see me around-just at my own pace. Thanks for continuing to stick around if you're here.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #207

Would you ever become a fan of a team you hate to please your spouse? I have absolutely zero interest in sports and also lying about my interests to please my partner.

Can you handle scary movies? Yes, I enjoy horror movies.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No. People grow and change.

What word describes your last relationship? Prior to the one I'm in now? Hm. It sounds bad, but... delusional. I thought then I was in love with her, I really did, but after truly experiencing that with Girt again, I know I wasn't. The sensations I've had for Jason and Girt were very different from what I felt with Sara. There was a lot of lying to myself about her shitty political beliefs, too.

Do you have a fake I.D.? I never have.

Would you date someone 5 years older than you? Yeah.

Have you ever been to California? Did you like it? No.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? Yes. I absolutely fucking refuse to date anyone who drinks more than rarely, and I would NEVER date an angry drunk. If they knew they got angry drinking, they better never fucking touch it if they want me around.

Do you like deviled eggs? Hell fucking no.

What is your favorite horror movie? The Blair Witch Project.

Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yes.

What is the last thing you googled? Why anoles here change colors from brown to green. My mom asked me.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. As a child I think I got all the way up once but backed down.

What foods can you absolutely not eat? Beans are one of many, many options.

Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Between lukewarm and hot. Probably more towards hot.

Have you ever taken part in a threesome? No, not into the idea for me.

Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? Work.

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn.

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Disney World, as a child. I'd love to revisit as an adult.

Do you feel bored with your life? My biggest depression symptom is anhedonia, severe anhedonia, take a guess.

Who's someone you miss that you haven't talked to in years? Alex.

What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? Having an infected pilonidal cyst drained. I was given morphine and numbing shots and yet I was still in so much pain that I was screaming and cursing on the top of my lungs. I don't know how scientific this is, but I theorized that they gave me an inadequate dose of the numbing agent, I'm guessing because I'm obese. I wonder if my size just outweighed the effects of the shots. To this day I don't know how I didn't faint, the pain was unfuckingdescribable. It was a bad infection; I delayed going to the ER because initially I didn't even understand what I had going on.

What's the worst level of emotional pain you've ever experienced? A traumatic breakup and its year+-long severe effects.

What was the last thing that made you angry? News about my sister's shitty MIL being a disrespectful and irresponsible twat.

Have you ever been the victim of a crime? Yeah technically, we had a basketball hoop stolen off our property once, when I was a kid. We also had an attempted break-in while my sister was home with only her friend, but I thank whatever powers they may be that their attempt failed. All we know is it the was Bloods gang because they left a flag outside our door.

What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? The mountains driving from NC to Tennessee.

What colour are your brother’s eyes? Blue.

Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? No.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? 113. I'm picky with who I add.

Do you regularly check anyone’s profile online? Nope.

Are you any good at drawing? I mean, there are people worse than me. But there are also people leeeaaagues better than I am.

Is there anything unusual about your house? Um, I don't think so. Nothing truly "unusual."

Have you ever met anyone with Multiple Personality Disorder? No, not to my recollection.

What is your favourite type of cookie? Just a nice gooey chocolate chip one is grand.

Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? No, I do NOT have the confidence for that.

How old were you when you got your ears pierced? I really don't remember.

Do you snore when you sleep? Apparently I do, and I'm very self-conscious of it.

What is your favorite breakfast food? Waffles, probably. With butter and not very crispy. Lots of syrup. Or just nice buttery biscuits that are nice and pillowy.

Who do you (romantically) love? Girt.

Where was the last place you kissed someone? My bed.

Do you work any holidays? I don't work.

What would you say if your parents said you were moving away? I literally cannot envision this with my mother, she would never, in a million years, move away from my sisters and I and Ashley's kids. She's bored it into our heads to never leave each other, so SHE never would. If my dad moved away, I mean honestly it wouldn't affect me much, I barely see him. I'd still be sad though, of course.

Do you wish you could go back and change anything about your childhood? I wish my dad was a better dad. I wish I lived in a safer neighborhood.

Have you ever been overseas? I have not, tragically. I praaaay that changes one day, I want to experience more of the world. I know so little of it.

What would your mom do if you told her you were pregnant? Probably fuckin faint.

Do you think you have nice feet? No; first things first I hate feet, but my feet are also obscenely calloused from when I used to walk all the time, and I've never managed to keep the callouses from growing back, even when I loss fucking muscle mass from NOT moving. My big toe on each foot is the absolute worst.

Where did you get your name? My mom just liked Brittany. "Marie" as a middle name runs in my maternal family.

What are you currently worried about? My colonoscopy prep day. I'm not concerned about the procedure, it's just the damn prep.

What was the last new and exciting experience you’ve had? Uhhhh let's see. New AND exciting? That disqualifies an ambulance ride, I was certainly not excited haha. I suppose my last visit to Girt's could count; he hasn't like me in his room only because he's self-conscious of "the mess" (that he's cleaned up a lot), but this time we chilled in his bed and played a game on his big TV. I got so into it that I didn't realize it was like 9 PM 'til I looked out the window and it's pitch black lmao. Point is, I was happier he seemed more at peace, me being in there and just hangin' out.

What's the most unique or exotic food you've tried? Uh, I suppose some genuine Chinese or Japanese cuisine my entire class tried in the 4th grade. I liked literally nothing but the rice haha, very on brand for picky me.

What change or new experience would you like to have in your life in the next year? A stable job.

When was the last time you were part of a large gathering? Easter. My mom and I joined Girt's family for dinner; Girt made steaks and I'm so proud of him, he wants to learn how to make them like his dad did and he did amazing for a second try. They were too salty, that was everyone's opinion, but they were perfectly edible and to me pretty good, and I'm very picky with steak.

What makes social gathering enjoyable for you? Everyone being welcoming, conversations being friendly and interesting, people including each other, sharing humor, that kinda stuff.

Is there anything/anyone/any place you now actively avoid in order to keep your inner peace? Any of Sara's online accounts. I don't care how curious I may be on how she is, I'm not looking, because I've absolutely learned it in no way benefits me, a person who's trying to learn to love and be kind to herself.

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? No.

What is your favorite type of cat? Oriental shorthair.

Are you part Native American? I am not.

Who was your first online friend? I only knew her as Kat.

What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? I am 100% convinced I'm a high-functioning autistic. I did get a legit evaluation, and the conclusion was I very likely am, but apparently a proper diagnosis requires a longer period of examination.

What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? Rammstein haha, I'll cry when they simply retire.

Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? No, I'm pan and have done it before, so it's not something I'd feel funny about.

Can grills be sexy on a guy? In my own personal opinion, they can't be sexy on anyone.

What’s your favorite comic book/graphic novel? I don't have one.

Who is the lead singer of your favorite band? Till Lindemann. Ozzy is obviously the vocalist of his own band.

Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years? I suppose it's possible, but I doubt it.

Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Baylee.

What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes.

If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara.

Did you enjoy high school? I enjoyed certain parts of it.

Who was your favourite musical artist when you were 15? Do you still listen to them? Ozzy Osbourne. Duh lol

When was the last time you ate at a food court and what did you get? Oh wow that's a really good question, I have no idea.

Were you mean to anyone in high school? No, I was a good kid. I minded my own business.

Who is your favourite coworker? You can tell me about one from your past if you don’t have one right now. I don't work now, and I've never worked long enough previously to have a favorite at past jobs.

Do you know anyone who’s adopted a child? Yes; my sister's husband legally adopted Aubree (her eldest daughter) when she was still very young, because her biological father has absolutely nothing to do with her and he's a worthless bag of shit. Nick IS "Dad" to Aubree; she has no idea that's not her biological dad. Ashley plans on telling her one day, but Nick really doesn't want her to, but I pray Ash doesn't listen to him. Every child deserves to know this stuff.

What was the last video game or board game you purchased? Uhhhh I wanna say it was Amnesia: Rebirth because Girt gifted me a Steam giftcard.

Are any of your siblings taller than you? My brother certainly is, Ashley is, and I think Katie is slightly.

Is there any part of your sexual/romantic history that you have not told your current significant other about or that you will not tell future partners about? No. I think it is very, very important to be very open about your sexual history with your partners.

How many relationships have you been in that actually got sexual? Three-ish.

Who’s the most romantic person you ever went out with? Jason.

Do any of your family members have an upcoming birthday? My dad, towards the end of this month. Also my brother, on Earth Day.

Have you ever changed in front of the last person you kissed? No. I don't care what he's already seen of me, I hate more than the default amount of my body being shown to literally anyone.

How many siblings does your significant other have? One older sister.

What was the last zoo you visited? Aloha Safari Park.

[treasureyourfire]

(Eng)

Day 3

27.01.2024

Today's card:

The Hanged Man

I didn't realize that day, only over time, that in my case the Tarot might not necessarily accurately predict an event for the current/asked day in advance or afterwards, but instead draws my attention to my current (mind-)state/situation, which it want me to think about it. This card could also refer to this.

The following list was compiled for my own situation, it does not contain a complete, comprehensive description of the given card.

Thoughts and inspirations from several sources:

"The Hanged Man's superficial meaning is that we are stuck..." "However, upon closer examination, the external immobility of this forced state of rest shows necessity. It is also an opportunity to in-depth analysis of our world view and our entire life. This phase of life that condemns passivity can be characterized by the image of illness, and this is indeed often indicated by the card."

"Signs: Now it becomes possible for you to recognize where you are and which areas of your life are frozen. Nothing needs to be done. The mere fact that you have a clear perception of the reality around you brings the potential for transformation."

"Questions: In which areas of your life are you stuck? Are you ready to recognize and let go of your petrified thoughts and behavior patterns?"

"The seeker must now pass two tests" ... "... the tests of courage and faith (preconceived certainty). In order to progress, you must boldly let go of all your previous knowledge, voluntarily loosen the grip of your intellect and let your deeper inner forces take the reins." - tarrdaniel.com

"You must have noticed that, to put it mildly, compared to the amount of energy you've invested in this matter, you've made almost no progress. It's as if you haven't made any progress (improvement) even though you've been interrupted. Let's examine this question a bit, because basically the sacrifice is a good thing. But have you really worked for a cause that is yours? There is a big difference between duty and service. It is not your job to waste your precious energies that can create just to make others feel good. It is your job, to balance them; while doing your thing. There is nothing more important than what is important to you! This is not selfishness, if one's value judgment is clear. This is simply the creation of living conditions in which the people you love will feel good together with you." - teremtotarot.hu

Wow... this... : D T-T pretty much describes my last couple of years xD I trust in the turnaround, I'll work for make it happen :3

"The young man's face suggests peace, a meditative frenzy..." ... "His face is greeted with a smile, his eyes are open, and although he is visibly looking inward, his gaze is still full of life." ... "The most important thing to say is this: our life's journey is lined with difficulties and trials. During these times, karma puts our ego to the test very seriously: it forces us to give up something important to us, overcome obstacles, or completely sacrifice our current interest." ... "If someone draws the card of the Hanged Man, it may indicate that they are on the verge of a radical change. Your life will soon turn upside down - or it has already happened - you have to part with something or someone, you have to say goodbye. This can be a human relationship that has become empty, does not serve the inner development of the person drawing the card. But of course there can be something else - a job, a place of residence or even our previous world view - the point is that the card is telling us that it is time to let go, even if it can be painful. ... The Hanged Man's final advice is this: if the world turns upside down around us, don't be bitter, but don't close your eyes either! Let's move forward with a calmed mind, healthy courage and curiosity in our hearts..." - Boglárka Kincses

"... he is at the mercy of others, he cannot stand on his feet at the moment and cannot take matters into his own hands - that is, the Questioner needs patience, even if he feels like a victim of the circumstances. The solution is to look at how the case you are in can be looked at differently. The Hanged Man card means that you have to change your point of view. This is the "entrance" to a happier era." - Ágnes Székelyhidi

... "His face does not show suffering, but a traveler deep in thought or in a trance, and his whole figure suggests the suspension of life, but life and not death." ... "...it rather symbolizes the connection with the Divine and the Universe. Despite this, it entered the (occult) public consciousness as a page of the victim, of suspension in every sense, and this is very important to take into account."

"…. a seeker of knowledge, a participant in an initiation ceremony, who sacrifices his own ability to act - his independence, his life - for the coveted knowledge. Physical vision is replaced by spiritual vision…"

"You are not sure of the next step, the next decision. The Hanged reminds you that you don't have to make a decision now; relax and let things unfold and clear themselves."

"In a spiritual context, The Hanged Man reminds you to pay attention to your attitude towards yourself. If you have been thinking negatively lately, you need to stop because it will affect you and the way you see life.” - thelearningwitch.blog.hu

"It's time to look at things from a different perspective - this is the main message of the card. The figure in the picture is light, almost cheerful, without a trace of worry. It is important to be able to rise above our problems at the moment in question and to see ourselves and our given situation from the outside, so that through the steps we take for our internal development, the problems that arise become opportunities. In terms of its essence, the Hanged Man card demands from us a fundamentally changed worldview, a way of thinking and a vision that is completely opposed to what we have had so far. Now is the time to prioritize our spiritual vigilance. The card draws our attention to the blessed effects of devotion, conscious sacrifice and ego surrender. Now we have the opportunity to face life's trials and challenges with a higher level of awareness and understanding." - gyurcsobori.hu

"In all classic tarot depictions, the Hanged Man hangs upside down by his feet. In the Middle Ages, this was the punishment for traitors and traitors. In a sense, it really is a betrayal: a betrayal of our own things, of ourselves."

"The Hanged Man represents the dead end, the trap into which we walked on the wrong path. It symbolizes all crisis situations that want to force us to change our lives."

"If we change 12, the number of the Hanged Man, we get 21. The XXI. card, The World, represents the end of the Hero's journey, the regained paradise; gaining wholeness from a different perspective. If we compare the two cards, we can see that XXI. card shape is the opposite of the Hanged Man. From the upside-down world, we found the way to the real world."

"According to the Rider tarot, the reason for the crisis is that until now we have not noticed the essence, or we have assessed the situation incorrectly. The card wants to lead you to a new way of seeing things."

"The Hanged Man symbolizes forced rest, the feeling of helplessness, and those crisis situations that force us to change direction, and because of their impact, we look at the world from a new perspective. These experiences usually last longer than we think and want. We always have to make sacrifices in order to move from the forced rest point. It does not depend on the card, but only on ourselves, whether we are ready for this, whether we understand the reason for things..." - tgy-magazin.hu

"The Hanged Man is suspended by his leg, bearing his fate with peaceful composure. He has taken the path of voluntary sacrifice - but he gains much more than he loses!"

"According to tradition, this card is associated with the sacrifice, sometimes it is even paralleled with the crucifixion. Sacrifice is an act that means, on the one hand, that we lose something important to us, that we give up something. On the other hand, it often happens that we get something in return, and sometimes it is even more valuable than what we sacrifice."

"... the Hanged Man card is about voluntary sacrifice, but also about acquiring something what has special value to us. It warns us, we are ripe for a decision, we have reached a crossroads: we must decide what is really important to us and what is worth the sacrifice. Our decision can be a milestone on our life's journey, or just for a specific situation. We will need a lot of willpower to make up our minds, to be determined to make the given sacrifice, whatever it costs. The card also means that the upcoming change can increase our uncertainty and - especially if it drags on for a long time - can lead to stagnation or fear. The Hanged Man is a harbinger of change - let's prepare for this change! Change always brings us into motion and momentum, but we definitely have to sacrifice something in order for things to move in a positive direction. - hu.ezo.tv

"... he wants to conform to others, he does not live his own life, he does not follow his own desires, his life is not natural." ... "... impatience and violence cannot solve the situation. It only helps if you leave your previous views and expectations behind and go in a different direction, you need a new way of seeing and a huge willpower, you definitely have to sacrifice something for the sake of change." - neske.hu

"This is a planning phase when passivity is important. You get time to at least plan the route you can follow after the rest period ends." - spirisuli.com

"It is recommended to create a conscious state of rest in order to be able to think."

"You don't have to make an effort, just walk clearly around your life, the affected area..."

"Let go of what hasn't taken you forward so far and let in what wants to enter into your life." - ketosvenytarot.hu

Keywords (mixed, own and non-own):

Freezing, stopping

Forced rest

The end of a stuck situation or relationship

Letting go, giving up, surrendering, making a sacrifice

A new point of view

The need to break through old behavioral patterns

Transformation

A world turned upside down

Better blood supply in the head, increases mental freshness

Inspiration

Compulsion

Captivity, confinement

Inertia

Vulnerability

External factors binds me

Passivity, stagnation

Desire for liberation

Uncertainty

A turnaround based on deep insight

In-depth, thorough analysis

Planning phase

Enlightment initiation, initiate (spiritual)

Spiritual growth

Rebirth

Intuition

Liberation

Courage

Faith

Waiting

Patience, endurance

Complacency, resignation, we accept our situation

Change of direction

Change

(mental, spiritual or physical illnesses)

Inspirations (mixed):

Be patient

You have been given time and opportunity for a comprehensive analysis

Something ends and something new begins

Look inside yourself, ponder

If necessary, ask for help to move forward

Let's mobilize our intuition, practice it

If we have enough courage, we can make a difference

Like the caterpillar in its chrysalis state (intermediate state)

Your old expectations and ideas get you stuck

We can awaken to a higher consciousness

Don't want to suit anyone but yourself!

Learn to say no!

Finding your way back from darkness to light

At the end, ascension awaits, a state of clarity and understanding arrives

[trainer-aer]

Better late than never - Four Month Update

03.18.2023

___

March 14, 2023, was the three year anniversary of when I found out that I would be losing my opportunity to shadow the keepers at the Shedd Aquarium due to the pandemic shutting the world down. I had worked for two years at school for that opportunity and I watched my dream slip away in an instant.

About five months earlier, I had starting dating this guy who I would later become engaged to. He was a raging narcissist who didn't really care about me at all. And until exactly four months ago, I was still with him, even though he was physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative as hell, and a pathological liar. My physical and mental health suffered greatly while in this relationship.

I put off my dreams of getting myself back to the Shedd Aquarium for years to help him. I worked through severe pain to financially support us when he couldn't (or maybe, wouldn't - he didn't have the drive to ever actually work) and when he could, I drove him to and from work for months, packed his lunch with loving notes, and kept our apartment spotless, doing my best to support him, all while putting off my dreams.

Of course, this wasn't enough for him. He would take any and all frustration out on me. On our 3rd anniversary, he screamed at me over something insignificant. I can't even remember what exactly set him off. I never felt truly safe around him, he was incredibly unstable and I was always walking on eggshells trying to please him. On November 8th, 2022, he blew up at me for the last time. I do remember what it was that time. On November 8th, I established my boundaries firmly politely and he lost it, calling me unreasonable and ridiculous. Over the next couple weeks, he became increasingly hostile and aggressive.

I got myself out less than two weeks later. And I couldn't be happier that I did that for myself. My mental and physical health has improved significantly since leaving. I've lost weight, gained muscle, and improved my eating habits significantly (he was addicted to fast food and soda). I've rekindled friendships with people that he attempted to cut me off from. I've even made a whole lot of new friends, too!

In the past four months, I have created 12 fully finished pieces of artwork. In the three years that I was with him, I completed just 4 drawings.

I got my own, beautiful apartment in a lovely, quiet, neighborhood. It's all unpacked and so comfortable. I have the cutest kitchen where I can cook all of my meals.

And at the beginning of this month, I officially started a new job.

At the Shedd Aquarium.

In just four short months, I have made incredible strides in recovery. Emotionally, physically, and now, financially, too. I am on track for all of my career goals once again. My business is also still thriving, I'm completely booked out for the next several months.

The last four months have been incredible! I can't wait to see what exciting updates I have in the next month!

[zuko-always-lies]

ATLA AU Idea which is Basically “Azula Raises Katara for Several Years”

I’ve had this idea kicking around my head for months, and, since I have no intention of writing it, I figure I might as well post it. To be clear, the premise of this fanfic is “Azula, Katara, and Sokka get traumatized in ways they weren’t in canon, but the events that traumatize them potentially help lead to a better outcome in the long-term,” so be prepared for rough sailing.

This idea is very much inspired by all the “Katara gets kidnapped young and raised within the Fire Nation royal family” fanfics, which I think can be excellent if done with care. However, in a situation where Katara and Azula develop a relationship when they are young, the natural tendency is to make Katara the “motherly” or parental one, and I wanted to turn that on its head. I also wanted to explore some of the possible implications of Azula taking on adult sized responsibilities as a child and of the perverse ways that power differentials can influence things. I also wanted to explore some of the ways that Azula’s commitment to duty and responsibility can be a positive thing. Another ~2000 or so words under the cut.

The premise is that, shortly after Zuko gets banished, Katara gets captured by the Southern Raiders as the last Southern Water Tribe waterbender and brought back to Caldera and presented as a trophy to Ozai. Ozai’s first reaction is to have her executed, but fortunately Azula is also present in the throne room. For reasons which Azula doesn’t entirely understand herself but which definitely have something to do with her guilt over what happened to Zuko, Azula decides to intervene, despite the risks involved. However, not being Zuko, she manages to do this without provoking Ozai, through convincing him that Katara is more valuable alive as a trophy, a symbol, and a plaything than she is dead. Ozai doesn’t really care that much, so he pawns Katara off to Azula and basically forgets about her, accidentally using language that implies to Azula that Katara and taking care of Katara is now Azula’s responsibility. Azula is at an age where she’s started to take her responsibilities and duties with deadly seriousness.

Katara doesn’t know what to make of this all.  She’s been severely traumatized by being kidnapped and torn from her family and culture and by having her life threatened by Ozai. She’s aware that Azula saved her life, but the language Azula used to in order to do so sounds warped and screwed up to Katara, who is unaware that Azula had to say what she said in order to manipulate Ozai.  Katara noticed that Azula seemed a little nervous when she talked to Ozai, but Katara doesn’t initially know how risky and dangerous what Azula did was.

Again, Azula takes her responsibilities with deadly seriousness. So, when it becomes her responsibility to take care of Katara, Azula is determined to do the best possible job, even though she’s 11 and Katara is also 11. If there were any responsible adults present, they would intervene and talk to Azula about how awful an idea this is, but there aren’t any left.  In any case, Katara’s waterbending abilities make it so she has to be kept under some kind of supervision, Azula is perceptive enough to worry that Katara might be mistreated if she got fostered out, and in any case Azula is convinced she can do a better job than any foster family.

Azula is a badly abused 11 year old who grew up indoctrinated in an absolutely toxic ideology. She’s never really seen good parenting in her life. The idea of her trying to parent should be terrifying. Yet she’s aware that Ursa didn’t do the best job with her, and since Katara isn’t a “monster” Azula sees no reason to replicate Ursa’s behavior. Azula believes the way that Ozai treats her is absolutely justified, even though she has some knowledge of its negative effects on her, but since Katara isn’t a princess who has immense duties to her nation and family, Azula sees no reason to treat her that way. In fact, Azula is aware of ignorance about parenting, and tries to read as much about parenting as she can. She also reads as much about the water tribes as she can in order to try to understand Katara better.

In terms of being a “parent,” Azula is overall a little standoffish, absent, and demanding.  She doesn’t need to directly look after Katara’s physical care(she has servants for that), but she has to look after Katara’s emotional needs, her education, and her overall care. As a temporary measure, she arranges that Katara sleep on a cot in Azula’s room because she’s not sure where to put her, and this arrangement becomes permanent. This means Azula and Katara usually eat together, since Azula has taken most of her meals in her room, but Azula is very busy with her duties, training, and education, so they don’t spend much time together in a typical day. Azula has Katara officially declared a servant(but one who only reports to Azula) in order to regularize her status and allow Katara to draw a salary(most of which Azula holds in escrow for when Katara comes of age), but Azula only rarely asks Katara to do work; Katara had far more chores back in the Southern Water Tribe. On the other hand, Azula demands that Katara work hard in her education and on practicing her waterbending. Katara is too old to be sent to the Royal Fire Academy for Girls, but Azula obtains tutors for her, in addition to getting her whatever waterbending scrolls she can and trying to obtain the best possible bending coaches for Katara’s waterbending, sometimes even stepping in herself to try to coach Katara.

Azula is aware that Katara wants to return home, but she doesn’t think that Ozai would ever allow that, and, in any case, Azula is an imperialist who thinks Katara is better off being “civilized” in the Fire Nation than she would be back in her ignorant and “savage” home.  A large portion of Katara’s education is intended to “civilize” her. Azula doesn’t have firm ideas of where adult Katara will fit into Fire Nation society but plays with the idea of marrying her into the nobility or of making her governor of the conquered Water Tribes. So overall, Azula does a shockingly good job as “parent” given she’s an abused 11 year child acting within the toxic norms of the Fire Nation, but that still means she does a bad job, and her relationship with Katara remains pretty toxic.

Ozai and the rest of the court have some awareness of what’s going on, but they honestly don’t care as long Azula continues to be an exemplary princess, fulfills her duties, and continues to exceed expectations. Some members of the court even find Azula’s personal commitment to “civilizing” a savage to be inspiring. However, the burden of taking care of Katara means that Azula is under even more pressure than she is in canon, with the good news being that Azula has something more of a support network than in canon. Katara provides some measure of support, and in this AU Azula never has the energy to really push Ukano’s political career forward, and so Mai never has to leave, so Ty Lee also stays put.

Katara, again, is severely traumatized by her experiences, and to a degree feels helpless. She knows that she can’t escape and go back home. She’s resentful of Azula and particularly of the efforts to cut Katara off from her culture, but at the same time Katara ends internalizing some Fire Nation culture. Yet after a while Katara gets a sense of how toxic the environment is at the Royal Court, and she soon(after overhearing a conversation between Mai and Ty Lee which was supposed to be confidential) learns what happened to Zuko and realizes how much Azula risked in order to protect Katara, and Katara can’t help but feel intense gratitude to Azula for it. Azula also gradually becomes more and more respectful of Water Tribe culture, and Katara deeply appreciates the emphasis Azula places on Katara mastering waterbending.  Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee are also the only people in the Fire Nation who are ever consistently kind to Katara, and Katara ends up deeply bonding with each one of them, although the resulting relationships are not the healthiest. Katara eventually starts to develop a sense of how each one of them has been deeply victimized by Fire Nation culture. Azula goes to great lengths to hide her own struggles and pain from Katara, but Katara spends a lot of time with her and sometimes notices. Several years in, Katara notices some positive changes in Azula and begins to play with the idea that she can positively influence Azula so that Azula will be become a kinder and anti-imperialist Firelord.

Azula thinks Katara’s waterbending is the coolest thing ever(well, aside from firebending at least), a sentiment shared to a lesser degree by Mai and Ty Lee. Azula also thinks that learning to fight is vital, so she brings Katara along for her spars with Mai and Ty Lee. Katara makes rapid progress, particularly due to her access to many waterbending scrolls. As a result of this, and of Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee not separating, all four girls end up being significantly better combatants than they were in canon.

Mai and Ty Lee have complex reactions to Katara, but they eventually come to like and even love her. There is an element of resentment present because Katara takes up so much of the ever busy Azula’s time, but Azula forces her friends to spend time with Katara, and they end up bonding with her.  Katara’s empathy and compassion works in her favor here, especially since she rapidly develops into one of the few people who sees and appreciates them for who they are. Mai and Ty Lee also find Katara’s waterbending to be an interesting and intriguing method of combat, soon come to respect Katara’s budding combat skills, and, as people deeply unhappy with their own places in society, they find Katara’s stories of life at the south pole to be interesting. Mai has issues with Katara being a little too “motherly,” but on the other hand appreciates that Katara pays attention to Mai’s actual desires and needs.  Ty Lee sometimes finds Katara to be a little too similar to her for comfort, but also at the same time appreciates Katara’s caring side and the way she’s not reluctant to give her positive attention. Frequently Azula is too busy to join her friends, so Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai end up hanging out together. Freaks and outsiders stick together.

Azula, through her research into the Water Tribes, personal experience with Katara, and interest in Katara’s waterbending, begins to subtly yet strongly move in anti-imperialist directions and doubt Fire Nation ideology, but her transformation has scarcely begun by the time Book 1 begins. She does benefit from better relationships with her friends, though, and Katara gives her some emotional support. Meanwhile, to a lesser degree Mai and Ty Lee have had their own doubts develop about imperial ideology.

Azula tends to see her relationship with Katara mainly in terms of responsibility and duty, but she ultimately comes to fiercely love Katara.

Zuko and Iroh do their things, just like in canon.  They receive vague reports about Katara’s presence in court, but they don’t understand the significance of them.

Sokka gets badly traumatized by losing his sister and believes her to be killed by the Fire Nation. Hakoda, Bato, and the water tribe warriors also still leave to fight the Fire Nation. Sokka is absolutely dedicated to seeking vengeance on the Fire Nation, and when he accidently defrosts Aang, he sees an opportunity.

Book 1 largely plays out the same, with minor changes. I think an interesting one is that Suki ends up joining a badly understrength Team Avatar and temporally leaving her warriors behind in order to aid Avatar Kyoshi’s reincarnation with the fulfillment of his destiny.

Book 2 opens with Azula being sent to capture Zuko and Iroh. Mai and Ty Lee tag along, in part with the hope of making sure Zuko is captured without being harmed, and Azula decides to bring Katara too rather than leave her alone in Caldera.  However, the operation goes south, and Azula, Mai, Ty Lee, and Katara soon find themselves hunting the Avatar. Katara’s loyalties are about to be tested like never before…Meanwhile, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee all have seeds of anti-imperialism growing within them, but what will it take for these seeds to blossom and give fruit? Meanwhile, Azula grapples with not only her canon trauma but also the trauma she experienced through her parentification.

[elriell]

Two Mates? Elriel & (El)ucien Theory.

These are just a few of my thoughts compiled together regarding having two mates, the signs and breadcrumbs Sarah has incorporated. If you know me you know am a Lucien fan so this is nothing hateful towards him and we will be looking at his place within it all as well, that being said this will have bond rejection/misalignment talk so if that is not your cup of tea I understand and you can skip this! As always I would love to hear everyones thoughts so long as we are all respectful ♡

Let's start by discussing the where the two ships align and parallel mates behaviour, and then we will discuss where their arc's veer from each other...

“TOUCH HER, SMELL HER, TASTE HER– THE INSTINCTS WERE A RUNNING RIVER.” (Lucien in ACOWAR about the mating bond.)

“Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin. Letting them brush the side of her throat, savoring the velvet-soft texture.”

“Azriel's fingers lingered at her nape, atop the first knob of her spine. Slowly, Elain pivoted into his touch. Until his palm lay flat against her neck.”

“They'd exchanged looks, the occasional brush of their fingers, but never this. Never blatant, unrestricted touching. ”

“He prayed she didn't peer down. Prayed she didn't understand the shift in his scent. ”

“Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He'd beg on his knees for a chance to taste it. ”

“He needed to know what the skin of her neck tasted like. What those perfect lips tasted like.”

“This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it.  

“Yes" Elain breathed, like she read the decision. Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother might witness them. ”

Now you can easily parallel this to any of SJM's mates, like Feysand or Nessian. But for the sake of brevity I will leave you with the original link to the wonderful @suelky post where it was pointed out w/ Feysand quotes as well. [source]

Also "The instincts were a running river.” sounds a little like “Azriel’s Siphons guttered, the stones turning as dark and foreboding as the deepest sea."

The Bonus POV has a lot of typical "Mates" behaviours manifesting between Elain and Azriel, and it would make sense this would be a extreme POV shift as we have never been inside either of their heads before so we were bound to have a major learning curve, especially with Az who is so reserved with his emotions.

“But Lucien’s attention went right to the hallway toward the back, his nostrils flaring as he scented Elain’s direction. And who she’d gone with. A low snarl slipped out of him—”

“So you will leave Elain alone. If you need to fuck  someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her."  Azriel snarled softly.”

There are countless main trio parallels but most of you are aware of which one is my favourite...

“Knelt on those stars and mountains inked on his knees. He would bow for no one and nothing— But his mate. His equal.”

“Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He'd beg on his knees for a chance to taste it.”

"Every instinct in his body came roaring to the surface, so violent he had to choke them with a brutal grip or else he'd find himself on his knees, begging her for touch, for anything."

And on to where they go their separate ways from a textual perspective;

"Elain only shrank further into herself, no trace of that newfound boldness to be seen.”

“Rhys kissed the hollow of my collarbone, and my core went utterly molten. “My brave, bold, brilliant mate.”

“You can give everyone that I Will Slay My Enemies look—which is my favorite look, by the way. You can keep that sharpness I like so much, that boldness and fearlessness. I don’t want you to ever lose those things, to cage yourself.”

“And he had the nerve once his powers were back to shove me into a cage. The nerve to say I was no longer useful; I was to be cloistered for his peace of mind.”

“Remember that you are a wolf. And you cannot be caged.” He kissed my brow one more time, my blood thrumming and boiling in me, howling to draw blood.”

I think finding freedom and power from within is something that the books have emphasized through Feysand and Nessian's journey's. Which is so interesting considering Lucien and Elain are both feeling tied to each other, as if in a cage of sorts.

Elain herself has been stuffed in to a box of other peoples making throughout most of the series, it quite prevalent she might feel caged by their opinions of who she is.

"Maybe she was never given a chance to be that way." I whipped my head towards him. "You think I stifle her?" Rhys held up his hands. "Not you alone."

“Nesta had been right. It was like a prison, this place.” [Graysen's Manor]

“Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

“She ignored me, and saw Elain as barely more than a doll to dress up, but Nesta was hers. Our mother made sure we knew it. Or she just cared so little what we thought or did that she didn’t bother to hide it from us.”

And as for Lucien I think his duty and honour to her is what is caging him;

“I can’t stand to be in the same room as her for more than two minutes. I can’t stand to be in this court and have your mate pay for the very clothes on my back.”

“Why are you here?” Cassian asked, unable to help the sharpness. “Where’s Elain?”

“I am not always in this city to see my mate.” The last two words dripped with discomfort.”

“Why?” Not a flicker of emotion. “He is Elain’s mate.”

I waited. “It would be an invasion of her privacy to track him.”

Godbless Azriel for respecting Elain's privacy.

I think we would see/understand a lot more if we got a chance inside their heads but the one time we did see Lucien's POV we got a good glimpse at how he feels about his situation with Elain and it wasn't particularly positive and reminded me of Rhy's parents.

"She’d seen him not as a High Lord’s seventh son, but as a male. Had loved him without question, without hesitation. She had chosen him. Elain had been … thrown at him.”

“...to remember that she picked it. Picked me. That it’s not like my parents, shoved together.”

Not using the word cage per say but the implication isn't much better.

“You know them better than I do. But I will say that Lucien is loyal—fiercely so.”

“So is Azriel.”

I don't think the debate is really whether Lucien is deserving of her, or even Azriel for that matter, it is a question of who is actually right for her and vice-versa, who has she been consistently written to thrive and smile alongside. And that is Azriel.

Why does Sarah constantly put Azriel in the picture, from day DOT. She was screaming "hey look Azriel is here, and they would work magically together"

“And I think Elain—Elain would like it, too. Though she’d probably cling to Azriel, just to have some peace and quiet.” I smiled at the thought—at how handsome they would be together.”

There are several instances/evens that occur throughout the series that set both Elucien and Elriel's relationships apart, and I think it is highly intentional on Sarah's part...

“I said quietly, “We will get her back.” But Lucien was watching me warily. Too warily.”

“From the shadows near the entrance to the tent, Azriel said, as if in answer to some unspoken debate, “I’m getting her back.” Nesta slid her gaze to the shadowsinger. Azriel’s hazel eyes glowed golden in the shadows. Nesta said, “Then you will die.” Azriel only repeated, rage glazing that stare, “I’m getting her back.”

Or we can look at both Solstice's and the clear differences in how their relationships are growing, and also how well one and other know each other.

“Tell me when you knew,” he demanded, his knee pressing into mine. “That Rhysand was your mate. Tell me when you stopped loving Tamlin and started loving him instead.”

“He left the rest unspoken. Because her mate was here, sleeping a level up. Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn't stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option  of leaving if it became too much.  Elain's large brown eyes flickered, well aware of all that.”

&

“I want to see her. Just once. Just—to know.” “To know what?” He hitched my damp cloak higher around us. “If she is worth fighting for.”

“Azriel stiffened. “I know. I helped rescue Elain, after all.” Az hadn’t so much as hesitated before going into the heart of Hybern’s war-camp.”

GIFTS REFLECTING THEIR RELATIONSHIP MILE MARKS

“Az ran a hand through his dark hair. “Are we …” Unusual for him to stumble with words. “Are we supposed to get the sisters presents?”

“I handed Elain the small box with her name on it. Her smile faded as she opened it. “Enchanted gloves,” she read from the card. “That won’t tear or become too sweaty while gardening.” She set aside the box without looking at it for longer than a moment. And I wondered if she preferred to have torn and sweaty hands, if the dirt and cuts were proof of her labor. Her joy.”

“Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.” “And torn up by thorns,” I mused,”

“I didn’t dare mention that if she had been wearing the enchanted gloves Lucien had gotten her last Solstice, nothing would have pierced them at all.”

“He and Lucien did not exchange gifts, though the male had brought a gift for Feyre and one for his mate, who barely thanked him after opening the pearl earrings. Cassian’s heart strained at the pain etching deep into Lucien’s face as he tried to hide his disappointment and longing."

Not only is she visibly uninterested which is painful to watch, it also highlights how little he knows about her. SJM is creating a visible gap in their dynamic.

“The golden necklace seemed ordinary -- its chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the true depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty. “It's beautiful," she whispered, lifting it from the box. ”

“My Nesta. Elain shall wed for love and beauty, but you, my cunning little queen … You shall wed for conquest.”

“I painted flowers for Elain on her drawer,” I said, sawing and sawing. “Little roses and begonias and irises. And for Nesta … ”

“She plucked another figurine from the mantel: a rose carved from a dark sort of wood. She held it in her palm, its solid weight surprising, and traced a finger over one of the petals. “He made this one for Elain. Since it was winter and she missed the flowers.”

“Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly. “It’s for the headaches everyone always gives you. Since you rub your temples so often.”

“I led her into the sitting room, where Cassian had a bottle of amber-colored liquor in each hand, Azriel was already rubbing his temples,”

“She hadn't bought her mate a present. But she'd gotten Azriel one last year -- a headache powder he kept on his nightstand at the House of Wind. Not to use, but just to look at. Which he'd done every night he’d slept there.”

“Azriel unwrapped the box, glancing at the card that merely said, You might find these useful at the House these days, and then opened the lid.  Two small, bean-shaped fabric blobs lay within. Elain murmured, "You put them in your ears, and they block any sound. With Nesta and Cassian living there with you...”

See yet again a very thoughtful and funny gift on her part. Now at it's core even just simply comparing their general reactions says a lot about the story Sarah is putting forward.

"Silence again. Then Azriel tipped his head back and laughed. I’d never heard such a sound, deep and joyous.”

“He chuckled, unable to suppress the impulse. "No wonder you didn't want me to open it in front of everyone."  

Elain’s mouth twitched into a smile. "Nesta wouldn't appreciate the joke.”

“Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly."

"Cassian’s heart strained at the pain etching deep into Lucien’s face as he tried to hide his disappointment and longing."

“She hadn't bought her mate a present. "

The writing is nothing if not clear about the discomfort both Lucien and Elain feel in regards to each other, though they lay under different reasons.

We are given multiple incidents in which we are told about how mating bonds are not perfect and we are given clear examples of it repeatedly, about woman enduring out of obligation, and do not forget this is heavily discussed literally in regards to Elain and her circumstances.

“She’d been revealed as his mate, and endured the miserable union mostly from gratitude for her unharmed wings.”

“You said your mother and father were wrong for each other; Tamlin said his own parents were wrong for each other.” I peeled off my dressing robe. “So it can’t be a perfect system of matching. "

“She glowed with good health. Except … Her brown eyes were wary. Usually, that look was reserved for Lucien. The male was definitely in the family room,”

“Elain had already departed with Feyre, claiming she had to be up with the dawn to tend to an elderly faerie’s garden. Cassian didn’t exactly know why he suspected this wasn’t true. There had been some tightness in Elain’s face as she’d said it. Normally when she made such excuses, Lucien was around,”

“Elain, the wretch, had taken the seat between Feyre and Varian, about as far from Lucien as she could get.”

VS

“That smile grew, bright enough that it lit up even Azriel’s shadows across the room. “I would like to build a garden,” she declared. “After all of this … I think the world needs more gardens.”

“Then his gaze shifted to Elain, and though it was utterly neutral, something charged went through it. Between them. Elain’s breath caught slightly, and she gave him a shallow nod of greeting before brushing past, leading Nesta into the room.”

What if ”—I jerked my chin toward the window, to my sister and the shadowsinger in the garden—“that is what she needs? Is there no free will? What if Lucien wishes the union but she doesn’t?”

“Can you truly fly?” He set down his fork, blinking. I might have even called him self-conscious. He said, “Yes. Cassian and I hail from a race of faeries called Illyrians. We’re born hearing the song of the wind.” “That’s very beautiful,” she said. “Is it not—frightening, though? To fly so high?”

“ I couldn’t tell if she was looking at his blue Siphon or at his scarred skin beneath as she breathed, “Beautiful.” Color bloomed high on Azriel’s golden-brown cheeks, but he inclined his head in thanks and led my sister toward the back doors into the garden, sunlight bathing them.”

“This is Truth-Teller,” he told her softly. “I won’t be using it today—so I want you to.”

“Never, Rhys said from where he finished buckling on his own weapons against the side of the wagon. I have never once seen Azriel let another person touch that knife.”

The romantic subtext is there and has been for quite some time, they prove it book after book when SJM continues to grow their bond and nurture it whilst breaking her connection with Lucien further apart, and for what reason?

“A mating bond can be rejected,” Rhys said mildly, eyes flickering in the mirror as he drank in every inch of bare skin I had on display. “There is choice. And sometimes, yes—the bond picks poorly. Sometimes, the bond is nothing more than some… preordained guesswork at who will provide the strongest offspring. At its basest level, it’s perhaps only that. Some natural function, not an indication of true, paired souls.”

“Why not make them mates?” I mused. “Why Lucien?” [...]

“I’m serious.” I turned toward him and crossed my arms. “What decides it? Who decides it?” Rhys straightened his lapels before plucking an invisible piece of lint from them. “Fate, the Mother, the Cauldron’s swirling eddies …”

“What if the Cauldron was wrong?”

“Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother might witness them.”

“The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another.”

It is remarkably interesting to me that we are told about what Rhys suspects/believes is responsible for mating bonds, paralleled alongside Azriel questioning it all, I also think it is abundantly clear from his answer to Feyre he doesn't truly know for sure.

We also have several lines of dialogue talking about the sisters and fate, their reason for entering the IC's life. Not only that but we get a glimpse at Azriel's personality and how despite the world (Rhys and the mating bond in general) telling him to despair, he still found it in him to have hope the Cauldron could be wrong.

This is so significant, and she has carefully woven his character throughout the series to make this incredibly plausible.

“If I had not met a shadowsinger, I would not have known that it is the family you make, not the one you are born into, that matters. I would not have known what it is to truly hope, even when the world tells you to despair.”

“And then he said to my sisters, “We have not known each other for long. But I have to believe that you were brought here, into our family, for a reason, too. And maybe today we’ll find out why.”

“All three sisters blessed by fate and gifted with powers to match your own.”

“Even after the bond is rejected, they see her as belonging to them. Sometimes they return to challenge the male she chooses for herself. Sometimes it ends in death. It is savage, and it is ugly, and it mercifully does not happen often, but …”

“Oh, I can, and I will. If Lucien finds out you're pursuing her, he has every right to defend their bond as he sees fit. Including invoking the Blood Duel.”

As you can see even back in ACOWAR she was weaving the web for Elriel's journey and an upcoming Blood Duel/The threat of one.

“Many mated pairs will try to make it work, believing the Cauldron selected them for a reason. Only years later will they realize that perhaps the pairing was not ideal in spirit.”

I think it is pretty clear from all the quotes above that Lucien is no her ideal spirit and vice-versa to be frank when you put it side by side his budding relationship with Vassa or hers with Azriel they are clearly very different.

“On the continent, there are territories that believe the females literally belong to their mate. But not here. Elain would have our full protection if she rejects the bond.”

“Azriel's hand slid up her neck, burying in her thick hair. Tilting her face the way he wanted it. Elain's mouth parted slightly, her eyes scanning his before fluttering shut.  Offer and permission.  He nearly groaned with relief and need as he lowered his head toward hers. ”

Elain is choosing Azriel, choosing their bond over the one assigned to her time and time again... Back to mating bonds;

“The ancient healer jerked her chin toward Lucien. “See what he can do. If anyone can sense if something is amiss, it’s a mate.”

“The mating bond. It is a bridge between souls.”

"She pointed at Lucien as she saw herself out. “Try sitting down with her. Just talking—sensing. See what you pick up. But don’t push.”

“Can you hear mine?” He wasn’t sure if she truly meant to address him, but he said, “No, lady. I cannot.”

Her too-thin shoulders seemed to curve inward. “No one ever does. No one ever looked—not really.”

"Azriel’s hazel eyes churned as he studied my sister, her too-thin body. And without a word, he winnowed away. Mor watched the space where he’d been standing long after he was gone.”

“Should we—does she need …?” “She doesn’t need anything,” Azriel answered without so much as looking at Lucien.

Elain was staring at the spymaster now—unblinkingly. “We’re the ones who need …” Azriel trailed off. “A seer,” he said, more to himself than us. “The Cauldron made you a seer.”

“It made sense, I supposed, that Azriel alone had listened to her. The male who heard things others could not … Perhaps he, too, had suffered as Elain had before he understood what gift he possessed.”

“But Azriel nodded. “You knew,” he said to Elain. “About the young queen turning into a crone.” Elain blinked and blinked, eyes clearing again. As if the understanding, our understanding … it freed her from whatever murky realm she’d been in.”

Are you telling me that Madja saying a mate would know, would sense whatever is going on with her, and as it turns out Azriel was the one to sense and uncover it is solely what, a coincidence? Also to emphasize what she said about "A bridge between souls..." Where else have we heard that terminology? The Truth-Teller scene.

“I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife.”

Not to mention this scene is simply iconic for a multitude of reasons, how poetic Feyre describes them, the clear soulmates/ying-yang subtext and him giving her something he has given no other but that's another story.

Azriel has also been displaying some very protective fiercely so mating vibes towards her,

“Azriel stilled. “What happened to Elain?” Cassian waved a hand. “A fight with Nesta. Don’t bring it up,” he warned when Azriel’s eyes darkened. ”

“Cassian surveyed the shadows gathered around Az. “You all right?” His brother nodded. “Fine.” But shadows still swarmed him.”

“Nesta saw the blow land, like a physical impact, in Elain’s face, her posture. No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like snakes preparing to strike.”

“Azriel’s Siphons guttered, the stones turning as dark and foreboding as the deepest sea. “Where did Lucien go.”

I think there are some mixed opinions on Lucien and whether he deserves her (and vice-versa in this fandom) but I don't think that is what this comes down too, they are both handling it in the way they think best/following their instincts.

Lucien is hurting throughout this process as well, but I think ultimately it is honor and loyalty binding him to her not any genuine emotion for her as a human being fae. I think realising they are not meant for each other and supporting each other developing true bonds with other people will be their journey. And it would be a completely fresh and new view of a mating bond.

Smaller pieces of dialogue that need little explaining and a rather oddly specific choice of words in the latest book that is meant to set up the next one in the series:

“You’d know if she’d died,” Azriel said, pausing his work and looking up at Cassian. He tapped his brother’s chest with a scarred hand. “Right here—you’d know, Cass.”

“Elain and Feyre—that was the new status of things. The bond Elain had chosen.”

"I'd never do such a thing. you must be thinking of your other mate."

Honestly? At this rate I have no doubt Elriel are endgame and everything within canon text spells that out but I truly believe he will be her second mate/the will form a bond via some circumstance that shall arise due to these little hints.

I would love to hear your thoughts and/or additions because I by all means didn't do a massive deep dive and there are most likely tons more examples to add but I didn't want it to become overwhelming to read!

Hope everyone has a spectacular and magical evening <3