#alter: Aderis

[system-of-a-feather]

You know, as a fused whole, it is interesting looking back at the memories that are encoded explicitly from multiple perspectives as multiple parts understanding and interpreting the experiences individually.

One of the childhood memories we do remember was a really generalized episode as a kid, we're not even really sure what was the cause of it because honestly, we ended up in the situation a lot that I think it really blurred together, but we were deeply sad, deeply scared, and deeply feeling abandoned - something had made us as a young kid realize we really don't have anyone who cares or is looking out for us and that there wasn't anyone who actually loved us. We'd be balling hysterically clinging onto our bear that would sing one song, to which the lyrics - paraphrased to not give it away - directly said "I love you and have always loved you since I saw you, I want to be with you forever and I'll always be here to love you" and having it sing to us over and over - enough so that my entire family eventually got sick and tired of hearing it.

And we have four different perspectives of that memory.

There's the "not me I didn't exist but I know of it" that is just very "oh that's interesting" in the perspective.

Then there's the young child part that remembers the deep sadness, loneliness, fear, and hurt that they were feeling.

Then there was Aderis' perspective, which I think relates a lot more to probably the first time we ended up in this situation and likely had our dad going berserk, because there was an intense level of worry and concern for the little child and then there was an intense anger followed by deep hatred and resolution. It was beyond clear, the world wasn't safe for that child and the only person who would protect them, was me and by god would I do whatever I had to in order to make sure this child never felt completely alone.

And then there was the bear's perspective, Mina's perspective - seeing a little kid, deeply alone, deeply scared, deeply isolated and unloved, a poor and perfect child who needed someone to care and love them, and the soft warm affection provided.

I can just rotate between the four perspectives, moving my eyes from one part to the next as they addressed and felt the situation. It's a nonspecific memory, an amalgamation of probably numerous similar events blurred together into a single instance, but it was such a formative memory for some of our parts and each having their own strong emotions and feelings about the situation.

It's honestly something interesting to just think and look at.

[beadickel]

Nome, apelido e pseudônimo

Boa tarde gurizada, tudo bem?  Já fiz um post parecido com esse no meu antigo blog, mas, já que pretendo ficar de vez no Tumblr, vou comentar sobre o assunto aqui.

“Nome e pseudônimo”

Várias pessoas pela internet adotaram um “Nome artístico”, e eu não fiz diferente. O problema, é que, além de usar “Beryl” (que é meu pseudônimo), tenho usado bastante “ZM” (ou Zanette) e “Bea”, e isso pode ter confundido várias pessoas que me seguem. Enfim, aqui está uma (não tão) breve explicação:

Beryl Nada mais e nada menos que meu pseudônimo - ou seja, meu "nome artístico". Meu nome de usuário, tanto no Tumblr, quanto no YouTube é Beryl, e gosto muito desse apelido. Aderi em 2015, por causa de uma ficção de Steven Universo que eu escrevia na época (meu amigo da Wikia tinha um personagem na história dele que o representava, e então, ele me sugeriu de fazer o mesmo).

Na época, Beryl era a minha “OC”, mas agora, é o meu  ”nome artístico” mesmo.

ZM “Zanette Merchant”. Esse nome é uma alusão à uma personagem que criei, a Zanette (menina de cabelo azul da minha foto de perfil), inclusive, esses dias postei um desenho que fiz dela, e, acho que esse foi o único momento em mencionei a ZM “diretamente”. Quando criei a Zanette, em 2017, imaginava ela sendo uma espécie de “alter ego” (tipo a Cry Baby em relação à Melanie Martinez), bem como, um jeito de me inserir nas minhas próprias histórias.

Hoje, não vejo mais a Zanette como um ALTER EGO, mas sim “personagem que foi 98% inspirada em mim” (não acho que seja a mesma coisa). Bem, isso não significa que não vou usar desenhos que fiz dela no meu perfil (muito pelo contrário... digamos que a Zanette virou a ””””mascote”””” do meu projeto kkkkkk).

Eu gosto muito da abreviação "ZM", e por isso a uso como assinatura nos meus desenhos (que no caso é "ZM/B").

Bea

Literalmente meu apelido na vida real - Meu nome é Beatriz, e meus friends me chamam de Bea :v. Tanto faz para mim se você for me chamar de Bea ou Beryl (pois, é basicamente a “mesma coisa” kkkk), então, fique à vontade :)

 Bem, acho que é isso. Desculpa pelo tamanho do post, mas acho que, de certa forma, é importante kkkk.

Até a próxima!

 08/05/2020

[system-of-a-feather]

By the way, Aderis is very pro persecutor reform and I support that but I'm very pro "persecutors don't really exist, just alters that aren't on the same page" and "not all persecutors need to reform, sometimes the whole system needs to reform"

Cause like I'm still technically a persecutor part - at least historically - and I didn't reform, the system had to reform to accomodate and hear me out and it's done the system as a whole a lot of good.

The idea that persecutors are inherently 100% wrong or "confused" is bullshit, particularly when 9/10 times the system as a whole is also not providing the most stellar communication with them either.

-XIV

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude before I go do my therapy work Im out here for, I do wanna say the whole afab systems cant call an alter transfemme lacks a lot of insight into transexperiences and nuance. Cause like, yes generally I do feel ablot of cases can be in bad taste if said person is perisex afab that has no experience transitioning

But like, as the like only heavy femme part in a borderline almost basically intersex AFAB transman body that has been on T for 1.5 years, I legit spent an hour femming up with the guidance of a transwoman on YouTube and am wearing my women clothes that let me show of my tits as a "hey look Im a WOMAN" and I kid you not, most angles of selfies make me look like a man dressing up as a woman

I legit struggle to pass as a ciswoman honest to god I technically never was and this far into transition like.... itd be far fetched and a lot of effort to "pass" as a ciswoman especially to bigots

And so like, I don't really identify as a transwoman and I think I COULD argue transfemme but tbh I really don't care, cause I'm more than fine just calling myself a feminine part and/or categorizing my feminity closer to that of a cross dresser than that of a trans experience cause like

Yeah not passing as a ciswoman is annoying but tbh doesnt matter too much to me

But ya know, its whatever honestly. I aint trying to argue cause honestly, I dont call myself a transwoman or transfemme and dont intend to or want to at least unless my feelings change when we eventually get top surgery

But ya know, food for thought and all

[system-of-a-feather]

Im dead 😂

So our therapist is trained in dissociation and basic DID stuff which is fine cause we are at functional multiplicity and its so fucking funny working with him cause the funny thing is

Us being at functional multiplicity make it *harder* on him cause we so casually operate on 10 tabs at once with one tab having 10 tabs on the other parts and we hold cognitive dissonance between parts clearly 😂😂

And hes like

"So follow me with this story, something something, what is more enticing, the feminine or the masculine-"

"Feminine duh."

"*playfully exasperated sigh* Aderis ugh right 😂 Dumb question"

So like while we are not needing help with DID really anymore we are still harder than a typical singlet patient cause we still are so many parts with firm and distinct differences that have elaborate, complicated and in depth relationships and communication with one another

Its really kinda funny to see him work is mind having to keep all the tabs on each part going and it doesn't bother us cause we don't mind going slow and we honestly greatly prefer his approach and history with us to a specialist other than our previous one and while he is slow on it, he still does a good job so 😂

[system-of-a-feather]

Also Barbie awoken a long represeed scream cause it was only slightly off my experience of being a Female Primary Protector with a Female Primary Gatekeeper going through a transitory period, getting depressed and going deep inner world for a year or so on and off, and coming back to everyone being masc and the system run by men 😭😭😭😭😭

Im not actually that distressed but we have so few Women in our life internally and externally cause of our hobbies and circles being male dominated and Im like 😭😭😭😭😭

[system-of-a-feather]

I'll probably color this eventually but these are the majority of the distinct non-dormant recently (1 year~) relevant parts minus Mel who doesn't have a stable appearance, Shapeshifter cause *motions to the name*, and ^Chunn who I originally was whining about drawing cause I got lazy and tired then realized of all parts in the system he'd be the most likely to just Not Show Up for something like this so it was fitting anyways

Top Row: Sir Wellington, Aderis, Lucille, Ray, Chunn^, Iris

Middle: XIV, Me (Riku)

Bottom: Li and Jii (I honestly forget which took which, XIV deals with them the most), Mouse (hes there), Eva, Aya, Data!new, Lin, 404

[system-of-a-feather]

Man I'm out here doing hot girl stuff (appearing in and out of my own life every 2 months and wondering what the hell it is that I like to do with my free time cause any time I have free time 2 months pass)

[system-of-a-feather]

I don't think I will ever actually stop finding it the funniest thing that I somehow ended up being the closest thing to the "opposite sex alter" despite identifying as a "cis" woman. I put " " around cis on the account that like, I am gnc, we are intersex afab, and factually I'm probably not actually cis since I do have some mild not-fem trans-experiences, but I will always just say "Im basically just a woman" and since we were afab, "cis" woman.

Cause at this point with how far we are in our transition and how I think we've gone further (and are happier) with how transmasc we have gone, I think its fair to say as a system we are largely transmasc first, but honestly? I don't really mind it. I thought I would because like I identify with femininity ya know? So I would have thought that becoming far more masculine would bother me, but I think in a really strange way I've come to almost like it more in the sense that it is 'a lot more fun' to be fem from where we are.

Like before any of the whole T stuff I really was always like "cool dressing up in my style is cool and I dont have to do much" but now if I were to go full my style it would 1) require make up and styling and 2) it would be very overtly different than how we usually look and I have just been SO enthused over the idea of being the shapeshifter here and if anything, I think it gave me SO much more freedom and appreciation of femininity.

That being said, I do have to say it is funny as a ""cis"" woman to be specifically looking up and follow transwoman content for inspiration and pointers.

Like I really thought I'd hate this more and be more begrudging about it when everyone in the system started petitioning against it, but like honestly??? Other than it being funny and weird to be the "trans one in the system" due to the system as a large being trans, I really honestly don't mind. Everyone else can go live their male masc life and I can be a shapeshifter its all good.

Honestly my gender has always been "dominatrix" before anything else so, that probably goes into it, but I digress.

-Aderis

[system-of-a-feather]

if you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life what would it be

(Welcome to the new era of the blog where we live with our fiance and thus co-front, co-con and switch 20x ungodly better than we already did)

baby shark (or mr blue sky, slamming head meme version) -Aya

I honestly am not too sure. For me it would probably either be a King Gnu song either Prayer or Hikoutei, Lady Maria of the Clocktower / Ludwigs Holy Blade (@londor ) or... Dies Irae by Verdi. Those three never get old

-Riku

Ballad of Buck Ravers by Refused (Samurai), God by Polyphia, Bury the Light from DMC5, or Gasoline by I Prevail

-XIV

Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso is particularly special, but it would probably be a Chopin piece. I'm not sure which one and you can't expect me to pick.

-Lucille

I Can't Make This Right, Dennis Aarssen

-Ray

The Baddest -KDA

-Aderis

[system-of-a-feather]

Still sitting here realizing I'm still like the only semi-regularly fronting fem alter here and I'm out here wondering what the fuck makes me identify so femininely cause I'm clearly now the outlier 😂

Not actually bothered by it or anything cause its whatever the boys can be the boys but like 😂 I've never had a semblance of ID-ing as a non-girl / woman. Like yeah I guess I'm gender queer still but I also never really cared for complicated terms when I'm fine with the "woman" label 😂 so like yeah I'm probably technically nonbinary and shit but like.... 😂

I still just never get over this especially since we are a pair of tits and a proper dick short from being almost binary male and the only other part that fronts semi-regularly that identifies heavily with femininity is a factually nonbinary chaotic child that identifies with feminine cuteness rather than ya know, femininity at all.

Anyways, while technically being the "cis" alter, I'm the local "opposite gendered alter" at this point and I'm never gonna stop finding it funny that me - the basically cis part, is the oppressed minority smh smh 😂 I guess I'll be asking to be hate crimed when I dress full fem (its a dark joke with victim blaming yada yada we know that but its lowkey our gender and XIV and Riku always say it as it's a reality we live with as an overtly not-binary individual who people can't really tell if we are AMAB or AFAB - we're actually arguably intersex but I digress)

ANYWAYS, my lovelies - we are finally out of school and finally having our own personal space so jesus christ finally. Like we still gotta do work and crap and our house is a fucking mess but like, I'll take this any day over whatever the fuck was the university grind god.

-Aderis

[system-of-a-feather]

So I guess I've been front for three days in a row which really has me glancing around to see if the brain is actually giving me a seat in the roster of frequent fronters again after like fucking three or four years of me just casually waiting and ghosting the front in wait.

I say that like ever 6 months tho and then the brain dumps me back into the back burner so who knows.

Anyways, if I'm actually here to stay then like, I'll probably post on here more cause XIV got his inability to shut the fuck up from me I'm just saying.

Anyhow, to any of yall that aren't an oldie to this blog - sup, I'm Aderis and one of the few heavy feminine parts in the system (don't ask me when this system went from being "about even gender wise" to being all men, femboys, and and left boys with right none beef). I prefer she/her but they/them is fine too

Honestly don't really know what to do with this time out cause its been a while but like sup I guess lol

[system-of-a-feather]

*shakes our system*

Okay so since WHEN was the "average gender" in our system so significantly masc? Since WHEN was the average "preferred sex" in our collective bisexuality notably MALE lean?

Since when was I such an extreme minority in this system that I'm the "Female Alter" now like bro

I'm not actually like upset but what the fuck guys who what when where why and how did this happen 😂

Like its a meme that Lucille and I used to not get along and the last few months we've started to make up and we accounted it to being like, ya know more mature and having processed things and grown up and shit, but honestly I think it's cause at this point Lucille's like one of the top five most "feminine / female" parts in our system and I need to stick with my girls - we're a species going extinct in this system like hold on man like what? 😂

I'm happy for everyone here for figuring themselves out and all, and like yeah I'm technically nonbinary and shit and I don't really mind that much that we are transitioning and sorting that shit out cause I'm fine tbh

But I'm just like

We used to be such suckers for women and literally had a period of considering ourselves "basically lesbian" because we had no intent of being with a guy and like that obviously changed and so we stopped claiming it but like

😂 Why am I the only loud and major suckers for women these days 😂 Why is Riku the second loudest fem fansf 😂 We used to be the majority what happened while I was gone 😂

Like literally last time I was active it was like a 60/40 split in both attraction ratio towards women and 50/50 fem to masc presentation now its like 20/80 for attraction favoring men and like 20/80 fem to masc presentation

Like I GET it XIV is a beast of a part and he just hijacked the system and guided Riku and other parts through shit and of course we melded more like him cause like, he gets it and shit but still

*picks up my dress frills* WHERE ARE MY WOMEN IN THIS SYSTEM

I'm going to grab Lucille, Eva, and Iris and never let them go. We are a dying species here. I need my feminine energies.

-Aderis

[system-of-a-feather]

I genuinely forget how much Aderis enjoys "adopting" kids. There were some young teens that back when we started dating our fiance we shared 4th of July celebrations with, and back then I dont remember why, but it was always a mental health concern for us to go to those celebrations - but usually Aderis (who was around more anda more active protector) would usually handle them and so she apparently spent one getting the two kids to chase our fiance around with a bubble wand trying to flow bubbles at his behind and since theyre now young teens she seemed to enjoy entertaining the ADHD kid with pyrotechnics which saved our mental health while there was a guy driving shirtless going "USAUSAUSA" cause Aderis doesnt co-front with anyone that well other than maybe me but even then its more co-con so its a lower risk at XIV getting triggered by American patriotism while making the best of a situation

And Im like man, Aderis is oddly really in her element when around someone she considers her adopted kid

[system-of-a-feather]

"You know, isn't it pretty funny? Back in both of our primes we were saving lives, making life and death decisions, sacrificing and trying to make decisions that would have the least amount of long term damage and we were doing HUGE things - now look at us. Glorified maids."

I (Aderis, yall rarely see me lately cause I'm hella an old retired hag of an alter) said that at Lucille jokingly earlier today cause he had asked me to help him in a "maternal coup" cause the kids (Riku Squared) need some hard overhaul environmental cleaning help to keep them from going into their respective survival modes while processing that the bulk of the remnant of our trauma environment is going to be mostly removed from our lives and like... I really think that is the bittersweet thing about healing.

Cause like, I said it like I was trying to tease him for having 'fallen to my level' since one of the longest and most intense beefs in this system were between the two of us cause I was primary protector for majority of our life, then I was leading shit down a dangerous bad path and he coup and "shut down" the system and put me in a fucking basement and villiafied me and took over as primary protector for like 6-8 years, and that shit cause huge bad blood for a while; and I also largely lashed out because he actually did a good job and even after we started working well as a system, it massively made me realize we weren't in the environment *I* was made for and it really made me feel worthless and useless because I'm not made for peace - so like, that was a huge point of contention cause I was really jealous and grieving the time when my nature was adaptive and I was in my "prime" and that he ended up taking it over as the more adaptive protector

But like, with where we are - he too has been sat down since his original function hasn't been "needed" for like two or so years and so the two of us divided to our respective similar host. Lucille covers for Riku and looks over XIV, I do the opposite. And at this point, he too is also basically a mostly retired mom.

And so like, he hijacked the front briefly and 'called' me using our music positive triggers and asked me to help out with a maternal coup which like, essentially is taking the front whores (Riku squared + The Child) from the front by force and taking a day to make our life and environment better for the kids.

And its honestly kinda nice cause like Lucille and I - until now - have never been able to get along even when we both tried until today I guess and I was holding back the playful snark sass I had of saying "I think we can only get along now that you've fallen to my level" and was telling him I was trying to figure out what I ACTUALLY meant - but I think we get along now because we both have had to process being "useless" to our original purpose and have found peace and comfort in our "retirement"

And so me joking about how we used to be "so cool and important and intense and are now glorified maids" is genuine in the sense that I know the both of us are actually pretty happy sitting back here and not being needed and have found a resentful peace in just basically being caring maids for kids cause like... it's kind of nice in it's own way.

And I guess its particularly telling that the two ex-primary protectors are both retired parents that we really have done a fucking good job fixing shit. Hell even Ray's only like, part time and hes our Primary Gatekeeper and one of the big name protectors.

Like, Lucille, Eva, Ray and I are just back here vibing in our own ways looking over at our kids and sighing at their stupidity cause the four of us just honestly don't have to do anything. The kids are usually learning at their own rate and making not-life/death mistakes as they should for their age and its kinda nice.

Retirement and coping with the realization that the shit we were literally built for is no longer needed, but just having this simplicity is honestly worth it.

And I also think its pretty cool that Lucille and I are actually like, you know, talking and working somewhat functionally for the first time in the 18 years he's been around.

I think we are both too emotionally old and mature to still hold things like that too seriously against each other and have both kind of learn to let shit go. We both fucked eachother (I guess my side of the story makes him sound like the asshole, but I really did a toll on him in a number of ways) and we completely like, do not mix well in our interest, egos, talking styles and interpersonal issues and shit, but thats the past and whatever the fuck happened between us got us where we are and currently where we are is pretty good so fuck it. We both did wrongs to eachother and like, its really not worth ruining the future for and crap.

Besides, he's right with "if XIV and Riku can make shit work as well as they have then I don't see why we can't"

-Aderis

[system-of-a-feather]

Ah good god. Pulling Riku off the internet since they need a hard reboot enough so that XIV ran the gauntlet of not subsystem parts to help troubleshoot how to get them back to themselves. Kiss kiss love yall. I'm banning the system from using tumblr for a few days so they can HARD touch grass.

Like XIVs mostly fine but that whole subsystems on fire and they just need to chill the fuccck out.

Oh and for those that are not uber old followers hello~ I'm the old hag of the system and the retired OG Main Protector during the shit years and now Im just a Goth Mom waiting for life to chill out so I can go back to having fun. 😘

-Aderis