#alter: chunn

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude you ever feel your brain just randomly turn on the "horrifying methods of death you are hypothetically possible" intrusive images after the OCD symptoms being largely gone and you're just like

[system-of-a-feather]

@ C H U N N

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Sometimes I get the floating intrusive thought of "For being fused, I'm *really* just Riku with a little of the others not ACTUALLY Feathers" and I usually acknowledge it and let it pass

But man today has been very telling that no, I am not usually Basically Just Riku, and I am actually RARELY Riku brain dominant beyond the fact that my mannerisms are most like Riku

Cause today? Today I was Riku dominant and god DAMN is it awful and a miserable mental space to be predominately - like genuinely I prefer to be in our hard traumaholding / traumatized parts cause god damn does Riku's OCD hypomanic ass feel so fucking AWFUL but also so fucking hard to reign in.

Literally awful. For better or worse they are an unstoppable force - even internally - so all we can do is do what we can to try to activate Chunn brain since hes an unmovable object and its often the only thing that can slow us down enough to use health coping skills and get out of the Signature Riku Misery Cycle that they're infamous for being comfortable in

Like ugh. We needed / still need our fiance to body double the act of *checks notes* sitting down again.

👇 Chunn brain working overtime to counteract the Riku hijack

[system-of-a-feather]

Adding on to Reimei's post a bit with some notes on our experience; The whole expanding of emotion experiences and decentralizing an individual parts identity from the core function was a large part of it

But another approach that really helped with this back when we were dealing with a lot of it - and I'd argue the thing we utilized more than parts specifically allowing themselves to experience a wider array of emotions - is just really learning to deeply co-exist, communicate, and work closely with otherwise extremely opposing parts of yourself.

In our system, a lot of our parts are / were very very specialized parts and even as a fused whole, we still tend to have clearly "dominant" parts a lot of the time popping through. In that sense, its less that a "part is fronting" but you can still usually have a good understanding of which part's pattern of viewing the world, functioning with others and the concepts and the world, and all are the prevalent "mode" that we are operating in.

While full integration / final fusion has absolutely let the whole have a lot more variety in emotion, I feel like - for us - it wouldn't be the most accurate to say that each part has the full breath of emotion as a whole so much as it is that we can shift and move between parts that are really good and specialized at what they do a lot more fluidly to the point that its not really always worth it to mark where one begins and another ends.

And for that, a lot of that came from parts really leaning into what they do good, what they do well, and learning to trust other parts - no matter how different or opposing or seemingly contradictory to your view and function - to do what they do well and what they do best.

Our usual resting "dominant" view is often largely a Riku-driven perspective of things because the Riku part of us is by far the best of all of us for 1) continuous growth 2) maintaining and manifesting healthy surroundings and relationships that benefit the whole and 3) the ability to persist againsts odds and keep their head up and for day to day, resting in a foundation of that works really well

And the thing is, the Riku part really can't process much negativity themselves (particularly despair, anger, depression, sadness) and honestly, that part still can't do that particularly well. Compared to say when we started DID focused therapy, they can process and handle it SO much more than before, but even at final fusion / full integration, Riku never got to the point where they were really capable of handling the full weight of emotions and concepts that were contradictory to their core function.

And that's largely because the Riku part and their ever brimming optimism, focus, and anime-shounen-protagonist ability to rebound from everything was such a core and vital part to how our system survived, grew, and functioned that it was essential to never really loose that base line because it was - and still is as a fused whole - one of our strongest strengths.

That said, it was also a horrific double sword and while we all credit that trait of theirs for MOST of our healing and the very fact we lived past the age of 16, it really wasn't sustainable.

And thats where other parts - specifically XIV, Chunn and Lin, the previous and still kinda true 'host quadfecta' - came into play.

Riku was / is able to accept that they are really good at being an anime-shounen-protagonist and bringing that energy to our life. It's their pride and its something that the entire system revered and deeply respected them for, even if it had the flaws. Whenever it was sustainable and reasonable to and the best thing to be, Riku rocked and lead the system with that skill of theirs.

Of course, life has a lot of negativity and existing in the world with trauma and a multi-minority is fucking hard and capitalism fucking sucks. Riku can't process that, but rather than clinging to the identity of "Riku" and feeling the need to have to handle it, Riku learned to outsource it to parts that were REALLY good at what Riku sucked at.

Riku was able to accept that they weren't good and weren't meant to handle anger, burn out, depression, loneliness, fear, vulnerability, etc and that was okay, because Riku didn't have to do it.

XIV was a god of anger, self advocacy, self acceptance, and overall dominance. If there was someone who was harming us, someone who was making us upset, something in our life that was making us miserable, something that Riku started to waver in feeling they couldn't handle or being overwhelmed, if there was a sense of despair and desperation, XIV was the guy. XIV was the King. XIV is the King. If the whole felt despair or scared, there wasn't a single thing that XIV couldn't conquer. He processes misery and suffering very well. He identifies enemies and problems and he identifies things that are in the way of taking care of ourselves and has a deep drive and vitriol to take those boundaries out of the way.

If there was an issue that Riku couldn't handle with anime-shounen-protagonist optimism, XIV could tear it down into small enough pieces that the problem was a non-issue and easy for Riku to take out. (And please guys, people that know Bleach please feel free to laugh at how much this dynamic really shadows Ichigo / Hollow Ichigo. Its the funniest thing)

The issue with XIV is that he's extremely aggressive unless he is actively checking himself or being checked by another. He doesn't loose and he doesn't give up, but when he's nearing his limit, a lot of the time his aggression and focus on his target gets lost and that aggression can be pointed often back towards ourselves as basically every negative emotion he experiences gets turned into a fight response. Sometimes that fight response creates too much fight-energy and it brings him to really scary and dangerous crisis states enough so that 70% of the times we've nearly hospitalized ourselves were because of him.

And thats where we have other parts. There is always Riku who can help with downregulating with the ever-brimming optimism and companionship and use the power of friendship to regulate that extreme aggression. Most importantly though, XIV knows that while he can handle a lot of negative emotions, he is actually garbage at handling himself and particularly crisis situations. There really isn't much you can do with the XIV part to both sustain XIV's immense and powerful ability to destroy and dominate any issue that our system faces while also making it so that he is not fucking STUPID when he puts too much on himself.

And that's fine, XIV as a part doesn't need to know how to handle that, because you know what? The Elders of our system (Lucille, Ray, Aderis) are fucking GODS at crisis management and internal de-escalation. The Elders of our system are "retired" ex primary protectors, gatekeepers, etc that at some point in our system history basically spent at least a year acting as The Only protector of the system for one reason or the next and they all stepped aside because we didn't need an active protector; but they were constantly there and honest to god unionized as a counsel of fucking PERFECTION with internal crisis management as a result.

XIV didn't need to be able to handle himself in high crisis states as long as he understood and trusted Riku and the Elder's ability to identify, and call out his high crisis state and that he was reaching his limit. All XIV had to be able to do was go "I'm at the limit of my skill set, passing it on for someone else to take an approach to" and then the Elders would be able to swap in and get us to a place where we were working and good.

This also applies for Chunn and Lin with Chunn being largely centered on displeasure in life, depression, ahedonia, overload (often more of a sensory manner), and burn out and Lin with vulnerability, fear, and deep trauma-related experiences and emotions and there is a whole loop and connection of how each part coordinates with one another in each of those large loops.

But the large part and point of how this ended up working was largely built upon each part deeply acknowledging what they were really good at, deeply respecting themselves for what they were really good at, and acknowledging what they sucked at, but not taking that "I suck at it I'm horrible and helpless" but rather as a "I need to ask for help because I know there are parts of me that are amazing at this and I deeply respect and honor their ability to handle what they are good at so I will blindly pass this off to them"

And overtime, working so chronically and regularly in the "Well this is out of my skill set let me reach out to the Guy I Know that has this skill set" and working to do that even before we reached large crisis states allowed us - through communication - to practice fluidly operating in different states of self that could handle extreme situations all at once

It became normal throughout the day for say Riku to face something that would have made them feel a little bit of a certain way, and say Chunn would go "dude no, its not worth it lol dont" or XIV to go "god damn i fucking hate that god fucking damn they need to shut the fuck up holy shit lmao" and then in that case Riku and the Elders going "*sigh* XIV, you are right, but its not that big of a deal" and so forth

The checks and balances ended up just becoming something we'd casually do co-con regularly (especially when we were more at functional multiplicity level) that none of the parts experienced a full range of emotion, but we were all basically here and present at all times vibing with eachother that - as a collective whole - we experienced all the emotions in a lot of depth and extent

In terms of final fusion and a fused state, a lot of that just came from how fluid a lot of these interactions internally happened that made it so that we just started to develop a collective mind that ran through the depths of all the parts inherently a lot better and so - as a fused whole - we can experience all of it very easily (at least in respects of the ability to call emotions "easy" to experience; emotions in general are hard shit to even the parts that were good at them)

But thats also kind of the neat thing, if we ever really need to focus on a specific one, its super easy for us to just pluck out the specialist in our brain and go "we specifically need this framework of feeling, thinking, and existing in the world for a moment" and become so (insert alter) dominant that we are essentially JUST that part

And so we can always pretty much revert to any of our individual parts if we feel the need to

That's all to say that our system - as parts and as a whole - is really a collection of a shit ton of specialists that operates so smoothly that everything works. "I" don't experience everything, "we" - as a whole and a 'Western-singular'* 'we' - experience everything. We just also are a fused whole because we operate as such a complete unit that there is literally no point in creditting who this statement is coming from because I'd be sitting here all day listing at least 8 names (and upwards to like 30+). It's not worth it, so we're just Feathers for the sake of simplicity.

I dunno, it was a lot and a long post and if anyone wants elaboration on anything that isn't clear or anything, I'd love to talk and chat about it as well.

*Western-singular: This is largely being said because our system doesn't really believe in the concept of an individual or a singular identity; we are using this term because - to western standards of identity - we are a singular identity. We specify 'western singular' because while we acknowledge in western spaces (most of system tumblr), the understanding of identity and self of most of the people reading would label us as a 'singular' even though we don't identify as singular (but we also don't identify as not-singular; singularity vs plurality is a duality our system rejects)

omg congratulations!!! i dream of final fusion someday if it is practicable for us :')

I'm an OSDD system with no memory blackouts & with excellent communication and awareness between alters, and we all love each other pretty much.. just our main problem is like, emotional and perspectival dissonance? Like for instance, Sonya has a very lighthearted take on the world at all times, and if we are feeling heaviness & despair, she cannot take these on and another alter will be expressing those emotions. And then our trauma holders look at the world with such fear and despair - and no matter how we know intellectually, or other alters know, that it's ok and that we're good… it doesn't get through to them, emotionally.

I imagine, if we were fused, it would just be a lot smoother… because I would feel bad and then I would be able to draw on all my resources and comfort in order to directly reach that feeling and soothe it.

Have you experienced this kind of thing during your integration process & how has that changed with fusion?

Oh yeah absolutely. I'd say that our emotional and perspective differences were probably the biggest factors in our dissociation, in our system especially we could really separate out which feelings/emotions "belonged" to which alter. Part of our healing journey was getting each of us to let go of that feeling/emotion being the core of our identity and thus allowing ourselves to feel other emotions. Purple was a lot of of zany optimism, Green was our "anger alter", Cyan our anxiety, etc. And slowly, we had to learn how to sit with other emotions instead of dissociating them from ourselves. Cyan learned how to be angry and accept that he had those feelings himself, which in turn eventually allowed him to relate to Green's anger and eventually fuse together. Purple realized she does get sad and lonely and pretending otherwise was just making her worse, which in turn helped the littles feel understood by her and thus having them accept her as one of them. Post-fusion, I'd say it's smoother, but more than that my feelings are more complex now. There's layers to my emotions that I didn't realize I lacked before, and with each fusion I was able to feel more of that complexity. And, in a way, my expression of each emotion has also mellowed out some? I'm no longer quite at any one extreme. Don't get me wrong, those extremes absolutely still exist! But it takes a lot more for me to reach those extremes whereas before they felt like my default.

I hope that made sense to you!

[system-of-a-feather]

The skyrocket of autism symptoms and the intrusivity of those symptoms as we recovered from DID is both real and wild

[system-of-a-feather]

Con of Functional Multiplicity:

I want to make a cool graphic abour late stage recovery but we already planned, as a whole, to have Chunn take the cat or our birds outside and sit there for a bit before our fiance comes home and I have to honor that and Chunns standing there with a paper saying "The completed god version of us says its my turn on the XBox". God if I was a fused whole I could disregard that and fixate at the cost of my own internal balance smh

[system-of-a-feather]

I think a thing that is frustrating about neurotypicals as someone with autism and auditory / language processing issues (yet to be explicitly diagnosed to my knowledge) is how little they understand neurological differences and disabilities in processing things like hearing and yet they feel like they understand it to a sufficient level.

Case in point, today at work one ofbmy coworkers got all mad and offended because I was "rude and disrespectful" because in the morning, while thinking about the things I needed to do and thought of an important question before I could start my question to ask my mentor, asked the question and she was talking and thus I interrupted her. Yes, rude now that I KNOW she was talking and so I apologize, but I really hate the implied intent or lack of caring put with the "autistic interruption" shit

Ignoring social cues and rules aside, I *literally* didn't realize / process she was talking. Of course, I'm not deaf or HoH so I can't say that because "How could I not hear her? She was speaking loud enough to know" and there is a HUGE difference between *hearing* and *processing* and so when they always give the advise of be more considerate / think before you speak or tell you the social rule to not interript cause its rude, it doesn't help like at all

Cause yes, I KNOW that and I DO think before I speak. I just *literally* didnt process her speech as speech and it was filtered as white noise.

Its like going into a busy and loud club and saying "dont speak if the guy two tables down is talking"

Like yeah, maybe I COULD hear that he is talking among the 50000 other people talking, but Im not processing him talking as distinct from the ambient noise around me.

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude I really do hate that we are trying to look at NPD resources for recovery and even when you search up "NPD workbook" "NPD recovery" "NPD coping techniques" etc etc 95% of the results are about narcissistix abuse and the Evil Narcissist

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly sometimes I wish I could bring some of yall over to my favorite sitting spot on the grass and just look at the sky and chat about birds and whatever really comes to mind and exist. I feel like some of yall could use the company and something fun but relatively pointless, low pressure, and chill to get comfortable existing again.

[system-of-a-feather]

This goes out the recent anon, while we have gone through RAMCOA, we don't talk about it on this blog and we don't actively interact with the community for our own self care and healing.

As a result our understanding of topics regarding it are limited to our personal experience and what is necessary for our specific individual case and recovery.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, I am really realizing that after doing the whole fully fused thing for three months while going through a lot of short-long term plans (Ie plans for the next 3~ years) was largely overwhelming because it was really becoming a lot of processing of a lot of cleanly integrated aspects of parts all being too chronically present leaving our brain really stuck in what I feel is best understood as a traffic jam of Stuff TM... kind of like trying to pick what sort of card to play when you have 40 cards in your hand. There are a lot of viable directions to go and a lot of choices. None are necessarily bad, but to make a decision you have to decide what feels to be the right play, and its hard to do that with so many options and a sense of time pressure.

It's ridiculous how much more quiet our head is despite the fact we are more directly communicating with one another right now. We internally *hear* more, but what I feel is the semi-subconscious dialogue is a lot LOT more quiet. Our head is more empty and its a lot easier to see our problems and analyze the issue in their neat boxes rather than dealing with the chaos swirl of a shit ton of information that I feel being a fused whole kind of causes.

Either way, it was a good play to focus on embracing our individual parts to clear and clean our vision and mind up because we are still "coming down" from how internally overloaded we were with information AND the pressure to make decisions in life.

In that sense, functional multiplicity I think helps a lot when you need to make a complicated and careful decision that doesn't have time pressure and can result in large long term path decisions where as being fully fused is better for making a lot more decisions that are either more time sensitive and / or something where just a "gut" instinct is better.

We were feeling a lot of pressure to make a decision without the full ability to internally meet the decision making demand with confidence of what our collective felt and without the ability to easily integrate a lot of the complex feelings and perspectives and thoughts.

Its easier - with our mastery of level of post-fusion integration - to feel confident in our decisions and analysis of our life decisions and directions when we operate and discuss as a counsel of different parts than it is helpful to be able to theoretically see the whole picture at once (because truth is, we were loosing our ability to see much of ourselves at all due to the overwhelm and hyporegulation)

-Chunn / Riku

[cheshire-qilin]

Full transparency, writing this hit me with the two hour delayed "oh fuck you talked about it" and OOF but honestly I'm mostly fine and regret nothing cause at this point as long as I remind myself that its now and not then, other than being a little dissociated I can stay grounded but 😂

But full transparency, even mostly remissed having not had notable trauma symptoms in over 1-3 months (depending how you define "notable") if I directly talk about the core emotions of the trauma loop my brain does get tripped up a bit but 😂

To be expected tbh

Honestly the other thing is, at this point in remission, even when I do get triggered the "I am in the present and that is the past" and "Im here now and able to care for myself" is a lot more effective of an affirmation for grounding and self soothing cause at this point, the present is good and I have very much shown I can care for myself - ESPECIALLY if "myself" extends to and includes my parts

TLDR having somethinf to hold onto in the present no matter how silly or dumb or childish and having someone genuinely engage you in it can do miles

Which is genuinely also why I gotta thank purple @reimeichan for being an external Riku honestly. It did motivate me some to go from being engaged internally to being engaged externally as well which was a really big step to being recovered to a standard that I function like the more ANP themed alters like Riku and XIV (and Chunn if you label ANP stuff relative to his subsystem)

(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)

(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.

[system-of-a-feather]

Every now and again, about every two months or so, I have a back and forth with a part that tends to go something like this

Event: (Something thats kinda enjoyable but for one reason or the next mentally / emotionally I really dont want to deal with it and so someone else takes the front and handles it)

Me, co-con: You know its really kinda cheaty that I can and do often do this. Most people think I'm here but I'm really not. Its honestly too convenient and I dunno, am I not technically just pretending to be someone else so I dont have to do something? Seems kinda irresponsible and rude cause I should just follow through with my promises

Part fronting: Here me out, but if we are gonna take this on the view of you choosing to have another part out being "pretending to be someone else", you do realize... you are still fully 100% present and here right?

Me: *dial up noises*

Me: >:0

Them: Like, our body is still here and that IS you even if I'm out because I AM you

Me: >:0

Me: no way am i actually here i got out of attending this event >:0

Me: but you are here and so I am and

Me: ???!?!?!?!!!

Them: wait for it

Me: fuck man I have a dissociative disorder

Them: there it is

[system-of-a-feather]

A bit of a hypothetical question Chunn raised when talking with me about some tough trauma feelings/beliefs/fears:

Why does a robin, fully knowing that many animals - many hawks and cats and predators - look at him and sees nothing but a juicy turkey dinner, still stand at the top of a tree or the top of tall buildings, fully exposed as he loudly sings for all to hear?

It isn't as though he has never been attacked or startled. It isn't as though he hasn't seen others get killed and eaten. It isn't as though he hasn't even seen his kids get killed and eaten.

How is it that knowing his place in the food chain and almost certainly having been hurt or seen others get hurt for being loud and visible, does he still stand there in the open and sing?

It's a genuine question he and I haven't gotte a satisfactory answer to. And of course there is the "why zebras don't get ulcers" and all the more biological / ecological / evolutionary intellectualized reasons and answers

But for the sake of analogies and just open ended questions that can be learned from.

How and why is it a creature that knows that it is prey - has experienced being prey, knows that when its seen, its seen as tastey food and nothing else - still get up there and so easily, so openly bolster itself, make itself visible, and let the world see him?

(Reblogs are off rn since I dont want answers from others)

[system-of-a-feather]

(more programming / TBMC / RAMCOA talk; nothing too heavy, same as last post, we just put it under the cut for ourselves cause these topics don't benefit most parts to engage with and thus we kept it off our own notifications)

But honestly, lately with how far into recovery we are and how much on and off fusing with XIV has stabilized me a lot more and made me a lot more clear with who I am and all that shit, I've largely been thinking a lot on the shit I've been through and all the parts I've been, cause at this point, I'm really trying to reconnect with my scattered subsystem parts.

Less so "scattered" and more so long lost because - for those that don't know / havent followed - like nine months or so ago an old version of myself that went by Data just kind of imploded under a lot of stress, pressure, trauma, and self destructive loops that were set off by the way we were healing and what not.

It was honestly really fucked up and a really unfair cause we were genuinely trying really hard to be "a good part" but programming and shit kept had us between "literally dying and at complete overload" or "doing shit that hurts ourselves and the system" and so we'd always just end up doing shit that caused problem and honestly, we had done everything we could to remove ourselves in that form from the picture in a healthy and failed multiple times - and so it was honestly kinda super fucked that when trying to stop existing, we instead shattered into like 4 or 5 parts

But in the end of it, I was a part that existed as a complete - for lack of better words - "burn out" and very extreme "turned off" response to the programs that were being regularly triggered prior to self implosion and it was a huge mess at first, but it ended up with me becoming the host of that subsystem and really? As much hell as it was, the implosion and generation of another subsystem really I think disconnected a lot of the experiences we had as Data and managed to shut down a number of parts to actually let me develop beyond just a "burnt out" state.

And in hindsight? It really worked because while I'm still Data, still part of that heavily and completely fucked programmed original part, I was "generated" in a state of literally being unable to deal with anything and as a part to cope with that and with space, really became a more developed part who is centered around the ability to cope and deal with what we were programmed to do and to.... NOT do that.

And now that I'm a lot more stable and full of a part, I honestly can go back and collect and look back at our experiences of how things have happened and how each part felt and worked and put things back together. At this point I hold almost everything Data originally did. I can look back and replay things and understand things and understand where everything came from, but I'm *not* Data - I'm Chunn (everyone in the brain says I should start spelling it Cheng or at least claim that as my secret Chinese name because its pronounced the same but I like the Chunn spelling so they can fuck off /hj)

And in that sense, the thing Data wanted so bad - to not be here and to not be in the way and to have anything but chronic stress and trauma responses and to just not cause problems for everyone in a desperate attempt to feel safe again - while it's not at all in the way he wanted or imagined it to be, he - we - got it. I don't resemble him much at all anymore, and that's sad in it's own way, but at the same time, is that not the very wish itself? To be ourselves but in a form we created and not in the form someone else created us for?

Anyways, these days it's kind of funny cause I basically serve a roll for the system that is the OPPOSITE of what we were programmed to do and while other parts are not as "impacted" as I was, I do end up sitting here and looking at the "less impacted" parts and go "Okay well that came from this shit I did and you don't notice it but that behavior of yours is intended to synergize (negatively) with what I was programmed to do so I'm going to tell you that I don't want to participate in that"

Cause as much as we were the overtly programmed part, I'm really realizing that it neither started nor ended with me and it really is oddly nice to be able to look at that and help in detangling this garbage.

And not to go into the details for safety reasons, but recently our therapist asked a question to Riku / Fei as to why we were doing XYZ and not another thing that would be more in character for them - and at the time they came up with some round about reason and explanation to which I had to ask, when they were thinking about it the next day, ".... is it not just because [feeling and condition that I know was an active major trigger]? Because you know you can state that and that is a perfectly valid and healthy thing to say. You are allowed to think that." and the genuine level of which they seemed to very hesitantly state it to themselves as if they were afraid to Set Something Off - it just really clicked something with me.

Cause that would have been me. That would have been me that would have been set off. That would have been me that would have changed that thought into a borderline / active crisis and/or mess that would be far more stress than just compliance to the programming. And in this moment, not only was I NOT being Set Off by it, but I was encouraging them to try it again despite many many many years of reinforced "if you do that you will regret it"

And it's really kind of nice to see. I can't think as original Data would, I barely can comprehend just how stuck that version of me was - they were so deeply intertwined in the programming its unfathomable even though it was me and I have the memories of it. Thus, I can't say "Data would be happy and proud to see where we've come", but I would like to think - even in the hell they were in - that theyd be comforted to know where we ended up.

But I digress. I felt like sharing this most of today cause man have we come far.

[system-of-a-feather]

It's actually really funny cause we read this post like five minutes ago and were like "Lets turn on music" and Riku-dominant Fei brain was just like "no I dont want to listen to Ren, weve listened to that specific song so much Im kinda sick and over it" then put on bloodborne music and then I was like "bruh I want to actually listen to something good and with a story" and promptly went back to put on the previously mentioned song cause I'm still not over it.

-Chunn-dominant Fei

(tangential but off topic additional blurb below the cut about final fusion and functional multiplicity)

It's kinda funny, for the most part we've been pretty much identifying today (and probably the last few days) as a singular whole with different dominant sides and part of the reason we did this was cause there was a barely conscious and audible

Me: We should put on the song

Riku: No you listen to it too much Im over it

Me: Rude but ok

Riku: oh yeah what were we doing - oh right we were going to make a post about thoughts on ecotherapy and... thats a very you driven line of thought of ours huh

Me: yeah and I want to listen to music that lets me enjoy a story now get rid of your dumb bloodborne music

But that all kind of just happens very quietly in the background and so as a whole unit it instead appeared to us / me as "no I dont want to listen to Ren, weve listened to that specific song so much Im kinda sick and over" until me going "Well I want to talk about this thing that Chunn brain is better at and now that Im in that mind space, I actually want to listen to that again"

Like I can meme about how we basically did the same thing and claim myself as "Chunn" cause it wouldn't be wrong at all, but I didn't really switch I just put on a different hat. That hat just also makes me like some songs better than other

DID is weird because I find myself gathering shit on critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy 14 and then go "why tf am I doing this I hate this so much" and questioning all my life choices that led up to this point where I'm wasting my life away gathering and gathering and gathering materials with no end in sight and then switch to doing dungeons to level up my combat classes, 30 minutes later I'm like "actually I wanna go back to gathering I dont even know why I was running dungeons I'm not a fan of doing dungeons", then 15 minutes later going "god fucking dammit I'm doing it again I fucking hate gathering, back to dungeons" and then-

Like I know to anyone who doesn't know that we're a system this sounds like we just keep doing shit we don't enjoy doing in the game but it's definitely kinda amusing/annoying how we keep accidentally switching with each other when we're playing and are unable to just let whoever is fronting enjoy doing what they do lol.

Oh, and it's also funny how we might switch mid-raid and suddenly have to scramble to remember what all our buttons do while internally screaming trying to also not die to the boss.

In the past it was a LOT more frustrating though as we didn't realize why we'd be enjoying the game then all of a sudden go "I actually really hate doing this and I don't know why I keep doing this". Made it really easy to get mad at myself and then just drop whatever game I was playing, not because I wasn't having fun but because it was so confusing trying to understand why I kept doing things I didn't enjoy. I thought it was like, a weird need to minmax and thus doing stuff I hated just to eek out every little bit of experience/money/whatever, but that didn't explain why I would earnestly try to stop to try to enjoy the game however I wanted to only to keep going back to the same things that I hated doing over and over.

Anyways, it's kinda silly but knowing that I have DID and these other versions of me has really helped my frustration in this regard. And I know I'm talking about video games in this post, but this also reflects other aspects of my life, from friendships to work to even just grocery shopping. I'm now more accepting of these weird inconsistencies about myself and it's made understanding my life and my actions so much less confusing and frustrating.