#alter: lin

[system-of-a-feather]

I think a thing that people underplay is just how traumatizing being traumatized is in itself (and honestly being mentally ill in general, particularly dealing with 'severe mental illness') and I think a lot of that lack of discussion / awareness of how traumatizing it is comes from the fact that - in the moment - it doesn't really register as trauma. It registers as bad, but you really don't feel it as "trauma" until you heal enough that you can feel as though it has passed.

As a part that spent years stuck re-experiencing the same trauma over and over again, a trauma-stuck part perse, my core trauma was really hellish, but honestly, with how much I've come from there SINCE then, I don't find myself being brought back to that moment as explicitly anymore.

More than that though these days, I get brought back to when I WAS experiencing that chronic re-experiencing of hell over and over. I think back to falling into deep and disorientating flashbacks. I think back to knowing nothing other than trauma and not being able to see or talk outside of my trauma. I think back to being unable to tolerate stimulus from the world without being thrown into reliving hell. I think back to the sheer terror of my trauma, but I don't really go too far into the trauma itself.

It is easier and much more mild compared to the trauma alone, but even so, it's a horrifying and horrible experience to have.

I'm glad I'm out, but the memory of being in it still lingers with me - and that's okay. It's fair for me to feel this way, anyone in my situation would too. It's okay to be scared of going back, it's okay to get overwhelmed remembering what it was like to be so lost in my own mental illness and trauma. It's okay to have symptoms to the situation I was put into. It's not going to be a forever state and I am safe now. I am stable now. I am managing well. I am okay, even if I'm feeling complex and hard emotions / symptoms from a time when I wasn't.

And even though I am okay, that doesn't mean that the trauma of being severely traumatized is any less of a trauma.

[cheshire-qilin]

(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)

(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly though this is such a sentiment that I get a lot. I honestly don't really have "good childhood memories" all that much other than when they come up in flashbulb moments like they were never gone (which is a really cool thing about our stage of recovery is every so often we get this really vivid positive memory and get flooded with joy we had long since forgotten, its like the angelic twin sibling to flashbacks), but I'm one of the parts that really really doesn't remember much of any of our past outside of the really fantasy-fiction absorbed lens I lived in and so while I don't have the "good memories" I have the "good experiences" that I'm really only able to have because I don't really know - not genuinely to an emotional real level - what we had been through.

A lot of the last two years of our recovery and my intent in the system has largely been trying to spread that to the angrier, scared, and sad parts that are around me because honestly... it is a really bittersweet and sad thing to have all this good and joy that you have because others really really ate the shit for you and I just wanted to pass the "same hat" over to you

That said, unasked for advice so if its unwanted, feel free to disregard it, but something I found that really helped in sharing and spreading it to parts that are really hestitant / scared to look at the positives and joy either due to distrust or the aforementioned "if that is true then is my pain invalid" kind of thinking but I think one of the largest things I learned from MY system's experience with it is that I think the best way to go about sharing it with parts that are a little more adverse (justifiably) to it is to readily bring yourself to their joys and kind of just make that joy something more.... poignant? for a lack of better words?

I think back when I was first trying to share it, I made the mistake of wanting to share MY joys MY memories MY experiences MY visions with them, and a lot of them just didn't trust it or feel safe with it, because those were things I developed for myself that only really worked that way for me, partially because I didn't know what they did. Inherently, MY joys, memories, experiences, and visions were threatening and unsafe because I was a "compromised individual" and a "biased person" and what works for me is unlikely sustainable / practical for a part that was not "so lucky". And I say that with " " because none of the parts (except XIV but thats cause XIV is special like that; though it was necessary for me to kinda realize how this was not working for us, so thanks XIV) that I worked with WANTED to say that, none of them really logically felt that way, but in their trauma brain, its what it was.

What kind of worked better was me throwing out my interests and my concepts of fun and joy and just trying to nurture something of theirs that brought them comfort and joy and growing that for them. Because it's their thing. It's their fun. It's their domain. It's something that is made for them, works for them, and is suited for them. It is something that is good to and for them DESPITE the hell they experienced and inherently, that is much more trustworthy of a joy than my oblivious ass's interests and joys.

I dunno, just some thoughts on the matter that may or may not be wanted XD I just like talking and thinkin about this sort of stuff

There's a weird sort of sadness to being the version of me who holds so much of the joy and happiness in the system. I remember a lot of the good times from our childhood and so many of the happy memories from back then. How I used to play card games with my parents, or the birthday parties I had with my friends, or the fun field trips, and so much else. But then I turn and look at the other versions of me, full of anger and anxiety thanks all the horrible things I went through as a child. Things that I barely remember, or only know because I was told about those things and yet feel zero emotional connection to them because it doesn't feel like I went through them. But I know I did, because why else do these other versions of me exist who cry themselves to sleep and who lash out at the people around us?

I want to share these happier memories with them, but they seem so scared of these happy memories. I think... they feel like they don't deserve these memories. Or that remembering the happy times somehow devalues all the pain we went through. But it makes me so sad to see them constantly hurt by our past, I want to give them something kind and nice and beautiful. And I guess I also want to be less lonely in my own head, to have someone who can reminisce about the happier times and the good moments, not just lament about the bad times.

I dunno, I respect that our childhood was absolutely godawful... but there were good moments, too. Good moments that I don't want to lose and to forget, because they're important to me.

[disaster-magician]

When ur neighbor will reply to ur other neighbor but not u 😔

(Fake screenshots! These are fan made based on incorrect quotes and not in the game)

[mintjuliee]

What everyone else sees: Police chief, elite metalbender, can destroy you with a flick of her wrist, scary battle scars, daggers for eyes.

What Kya sees: Grumpy @$$ dork baby LOL

"Remember when we were kids and I used to bend you and Tenzin out to the middle of Yue Bay?"

Sketch request - Kyalin for C2

[aphelion-i-c]

silly request doodle from discord

[system-of-a-feather]

Rant

I hate being the only fully nonverbal alter who fronts for everyday reasons. I’m an autism symptom holder who split in childhood so we could be openly autistic alone and ‘normal’ in public , so I’m the only alter who doesn’t know how to mask at all !! Now that we’re older and I know I’m an alter and I want to make friends it’s inconvenient !! People will look at me so strangely when I type “I am autistic and I go nonverbal sometimes” and show it to them because I was ‘normal’ a few hours ago… Blehhhh. It sucks. I wish I could just. Talk.

At least I’m making communication cards.. That will be nice

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

There are definitely more than just these that I can't remember offhand, but these are the arknights event story outfits that I'm disappointed we didn't get as actual outfits. Especially Tomimi's because she got a coral coast outfit with a completely different design

[system-of-a-feather]

Parts that find themselves unable to speak for trauma or general neurodiverse reasons, how would you describe it's experience?

[cheshire-qilin]

Theres a kind of funny thing about not being an introject but still undeniably having a character deeply influence your presentation and identity as a part. No I am not Len or Rin Kagamine, but also to say my existence as a part took nothing from either is also a funny joke

Honestly Len was really just such gender back then idk what to tell yall

[averlym]

"now, doesn't that look nice?" [insp]

[chaldeamomjuna]

"You said all shoes are interesting, yeah?... picture them." "But why Clown shoes?" "HE WANTS TO FEEL BIGGER!"

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly the best wy to describe it as someone who does frequently experience the "teleport" switches and "leaves the front", its a lot less like fully going under anesthesia and a lot more like... zoning out really hard or getting lost in a thought then finding the body has moved and Done Things.

Its kind of like mental misdirection, your brain gets lost focusing on something else or just generally swamped with fog and while you are busy dealing with that, another part is doing other stuff with the body. (at least when not co-con)

SOMETIMES if the body is tired and I really know I dont need to be at the front it CAN be like I fell asleep and woke up but I think that is largely attributable more to the time of the day than it is to the switch itself.

I see, that's understandable. my question was about if you had any experiences of not being the…person controlling your body, I guess? or being a voice that another alter listens to. since in my case I don't think I get that (which is a bit confusing because where is the communication coming from?), so it's making me wonder what that experience is like. maybe it's just one of those brain quirks that aren't straightforward.

with what you've described though, it seems like the question doesn't apply, or you may not have that perspective? but thanks for indulging me anyways, haha

I used to be under the impression that I don't have DID because I "I'm still conscious though? I know what I'm doing and saying? I haven't gone unconscious or passed out!" but that's not really how DID or OSDD work? I don't wanna like generalize of course, but even for people who wake up in a random place suddenly, I don't really think anybody experiences it that way, as if they're fully unconscious while a different alter is in control. Again, I don't wanna generalize, but I just haven't met or read about an experience where someone is just... Fully unconscious as if they're fully under anesthesia or something while one of their alters fronts. Even if it does essentially Feel like you're unconscious and it can Feel as if you have Literally Teleported, I think it's just like more complicated than that, really. I wouldn't know, and like I said I don't wanna try to generalize. I've tried to ask in the past if this is ever an experience that anybody ever even has, and I just haven't really met anybody or read about anybody who has? I really would love to know if anybody does experience their switches in a way where they just. Fully go unconscious ?????? I'm gonna tag DID/OSDD tags for reach because I really do wanna know lol

Essentially, no, I'm never like "not conscious", but that isn't anything special, that's just how DID/OSDD are for like 99% (not a real statistic) of people with these disorders

I understand that that is what people mean when they say "co-consciousness" but I just.. Don't see it that way or really relate my experiences to that kind of terminology

[coochiequeens]

Justin Trudeau is attacking a man who wants women to have access to single sex soaces while a sadistic TIM is using his gender identity to be moved to a lower security prison.

OTTAWA — Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre says he believes "biological males" have no place in sports or change rooms that are labelled female.

Poilievre was asked at a news conference Wednesday about his position on whether transgender women should be allowed in spaces that are labelled for women and whether he would introduce any legislation to stop it.

Poilievre told reporters he believes "female spaces should be exclusively for females, not for biological males."

That is in line with a policy resolution Conservative party members voted for at their convention last fall, which says women should have access to "single-sex spaces" in areas like prisons, bathrooms and sports..........

Poilievre said many of the spaces in question are controlled by provinces and municipalities so it is unclear what role the federal government could play.

"But obviously, female sports, female change rooms, female bathrooms, should be for females — not for biological males."............

He was asked repeatedly during a recent news conference on Parliament Hill about his stance on access to hormone therapies and puberty blockers for minors, following Alberta Premier Danielle Smith's proposal to restrict them.

He said he believes children should be able to make such choices about their bodies "when they're adults."

When asked directly whether he opposes the use of puberty blockers for gender-diverse youth under the age of 18, he said, "Yes."...........

Premiers of conservative governments in Saskatchewan, Alberta and New Brunswick all introduced new policies that require schools to notify parents when transgender or non-binary students want to go by preferred names and pronouns.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has accused the premiers and Poilievre for attacking transgender rights.

When it comes to the proposed restrictions on gender-affirming medical treatments, Trudeau said Poilievre wants government to take away parents' ability to do what's best for their kids in consultation with doctors.

This report by The Canadian Press was first published Feb. 21, 2024.

Stephanie Taylor, The Canadian Press

See whole article

By Genevieve Gluck March 16, 2024

A notorious sexually sadistic killer who fatally stabbed a man with a screwdriver during intercourse has recently been claiming to identify as a woman while incarcerated and was allowed to move from a maximum-security prison to a medium-security facility. Luka Magnotta, 41, born Eric Clinton Kirk Newman, brutally murdered Concordia University student Jun Lin in May 2012 after meeting him through Craigslist for a BDSM encounter.

Content Warning- the article discusses how he killed Jun Lin and kittens

Magnotta, a transvestite, male escort, and porn actor, has an extensive criminal history that includes disturbing incidents of animal abuse. The subject of a popular true crime documentary series titled “DON’T F*CK WITH CATS,” Magnotta had been sadistically torturing and killing kittens then posting the footage online in the years leading up to the murder. In a similar fashion, Magnotta recorded a snuff video of Lin’s slaying which depicted him dismembering the victim before performing acts of necrophilia and cannibalism.

After the killing, Magnotta dismembered Lin and mailed pieces of his corpse to both the national headquarters for both the Canadian Conservative Party and Liberal Party. Other packages sent to elementary schools contained Lin’s foot and hand.

On May 29, 2012, a man discovered Lin’s decomposing torso stuffed inside of a suitcase that had been left in a garbage pile behind an apartment in the Snowdon area of Montreal. Police quickly identified Magnotta as a suspect, but he had already fled, having purchased a round-trip ticket for a flight bound for Paris.

Three days later, Interpol issued a red notice calling for the arrest and extradition of Magnotta at the request of Canadian authorities. An international manhunt was conducted, with authorities being notified that Magnotta may have disguised himself as a woman.

On June 4, the deranged killer was arrested at an internet cafe in Berlin, where he was reading news stories about himself. Magnotta was ultimately sentenced to life in prison for the horrific crime.

See rest of article

[magical-regical]

I fought bird mephisto today and hoo boy that was way harder than Patriot since it's a test of how fast/well you can heal your operators instead of a straight dps check. Barely got by with the skin of my teeth, god bless Purestream, I don't know when chapter 8 came out but I can't imagine clearing this with year 1 operators, maybe Saria's healing is enough to sustain (and the other medics) and then SA and Eyja sweeps? I have neither Saria nor SA so I won't be testing that theory anytime soon.

But you know, while I was finding my strategy, I kept thinking, "Gee you know who would make this stage much easier, some might say trivial even? Fucking EYJA ALTER."

I'M AT 120 PULLS AND I'VE ONLY PULLED 2 6-STARS AND NONE OF THEM WERE THE OPS WHO SUPPOSEDLY HAVE A RATE UP. FUCK.

Also can I just say the red stages on chapter 8 were fun. R8-8 and R8-11 are legitimately the first stages where I had to retreat and redeploy most of my operators in a stage instead of just fast redeploys and Surtr. I had my IS brain on for those stages lol.

[bookfangeek]

More figurines for my magical girl comic backgrounds!

This is totally not W.I.T.C.H. this is... uh... M.A.G.I.C.