#although i always did mask hard in college. i felt like thats what i had to do

[astrologista]

a reminder to all looking for jobs -

the fact of the matter is, and i didn't realize this because of my autism but you need to try not to act TOO smart on job interviews.

the hiring manager is looking for someone competent and qualified, but they are also looking for someone innocent, easily led and basically naive about things like labor rights or individual freedoms. do not let on that you know ANYTHING about these things. never say the word union. do not talk about anything close to organizing or labor rights in an interview, ever.

beyond that, dry humor and sarcasm are usually not appreciated by most interviewers. they want to see that you are dull, not someone who would ever question the system or become a problem to them legally?

so if you want the job, act smart, but not TOO smart. this always tripped me up since I thought by acting very smart and aware and discussing issues up-front, it would help get me the job, but that is not the case.

another thing - and it's sick that i have to give this as advice - gender nonconforming ppl also sometimes need to mask to get jobs! it's a real thing. i've noticed it as a woman, that in getting my current job, i seemed to get better results when i wore my hair down and used a lot of vocal fry and kept a kind, light tone with shorter and simpler words. i emphasized the level of service and kindness i would bring to the role. of course, that facade wasn't "me" at all, and masking in that case was absolutely exhausting. but you only need to do it for a few interviews really and can relax after.

i seriously never realized these things until getting into the working world, but this is what hiring managers really want - simple, dumb, but competent and reliable human robots who don't have feelings, don't get sick and NEVER complain. who always do more than the bare minimum. also we want you to be qualified and skilled in these 1000 technologies. but good luck out there though! i always thought - by being myself and showing myself as smart as I could be and by being honest about my weaknesses/shortcomings, the interviewer would see that i am serious and qualified. but there is so much more to it than that, and it is so hard to realize this as an autistic person who tends to act as their genuine self in their day-to-day life. interview masking is probably the most difficult masking i've ever done in my entire life because it not only requires straight-up LYING, it requires becoming someone you are not. it is acting, it is acting as a neurotypical, but my brain just doesn't work that same way, and it's unfair. it's unfair if a decent income is gated behind a random neurotypical interviewer "liking you". what if they don't like you? what if a person is just simply unlikable or coarse or has a real sick sense of humor? should they just starve in this country? it's so beyond, i don't get it.

[pisica-de-scris-blog]

Ok, so this is my first time posting any of my own work on Tumblr for other people to read.   its just one scene from a current WIP novel.     It’s still REALLY rough   i am just trying to get the first draft of the entire novel done  then i will go back and do massive editings for content, writing style  ect ect       but i wanted to be brave and put something out.  

Walking in the front door of the two story house I share with my bestie, her mother and her little sister, ok share is a strong word… walking into the front door of my best friend’s house that I am currently squatting in,  thats better, I starting calling out for Tori.     “She isn't home” I hear from the living room,  I drop my bag and my books by the front door and hop over the couch landing on the cushion next to Vivi, almost knocking the bowl of popcorn off her lap.   This obnoxiously smart 12 year old, wears her  blond hair in pig tails, to make her self look even younger, mostly to lure innocent bystanders into her web of deceitful cuteness in order gain sympathy or candy. I still haven't figured out if she is just working the angle she was born with, or if she is really an evil genius who brandishes her cuteness like a broadsword. Seriously it doesn't matter the situation, she can get whatever she likes from almost anyone, and if they wont give it to her right out, she will get it by any means necessary, she is ruthless and her petite frame and all around adorableness, makes people underestimate her intelligence.  Which is something that I don’t know if that makes me admire her more, or if I am a little afraid of her.  Probably both.   Defiantly both.  One time I saw her con a bunch of teenagers out of about $20 worth of pixie sticks. Do you know how many pixie sticks that is?  Hundreds.   Meh, mean at least she shared.  She, Tori and I went on a 3 day non-stop sugar induced movie marathon.  The eventual sugar crash was hard, but worth it. At least until we found out that she recorded Tori and I singing everysong in Grease, loudly and very badly while watching the movie.  She hasnt put that video on social media yet, she says she wont.  But I see her little evil mind saving it for it’s epic black mail potential. “Where is your wayward sister?”  I question stealing a handful of popcorn.   “She went for a run, something about overbearing life choices and blah blah blah,  I don't know, I tune her out when she starts talking about college and responsibilities and adulting.  I mean really I am 12  I don't want to hear about adulting, or choices that impact your whole life.  That shit is scary.” “You have no idea kid,  but watch the fucking language.”  I smirked at her. “Ok so what are we doing until she gets home?” “Well, I finished all my homework for the next few days,  really this stuff is too easy.  So I was thinking about begging you to order a pizza,breaking out the big puppy dog eyes if I need to” She looked up at me starting to make her eyes really big. “Pizza sounds good, put the puppy dog eyes away” laughing at her antics I grabbed the computer to place the order. “ and then can we maybe binge watch some netflix.  Since mom is away do you think we can watch that show with the one main character who has to be slutty or she starves… and has the awesome best friend with epic fashion sense?” “No, you are too young for that show” “But I am really old for my age, I mean you know I am already soo much smarter than anyone else my age, and most ages. So I should be able to handle more mature TV shows too.” Vivi started rambling, getting ready for a fight to watch this show. “Your humility is heart-warming really,but your mother would skin me alive.  And then who would order you pizza with pineapple on it, which by the way is gross.” “It is not, but fine..   Hot hunter bros it is then.” As I finish ordering the pies Vivi queues up the show on netflix and hands me a brush,  I start absent mindedly running it through her hair as we wait for our dinner.   My mind doesn't focus on the tv  it keeps running through the events at the parlor.  I need to know who those guys where.  What they know about my mother, I mean she died in childbirth, and left me alone with an alcoholic father. Or did she?  Maybe there are things I don't know.  My father never really talked about my mother while sober, but if he was drunk and feeling nostalgic, he would ramble about her.  I could sometimes make out some of what he said in between sobs and hiccups before he passed out.    He would call her his angel and how she radiated this beautiful light.   I always thought that maybe her death is what drove my father mad and it was my fault she died.  What if there is more to the story? Maybe she was also in whatever this mafia or gang thing is that Cole is tied up in.  I should of questioned Cole before I left. I should of made her tell me what was going on, and how my mother was involved. Instead I ran. Why do I always run before thinking?   About 20 minutes into the first episode I notice that it is starting to get dark out, and Tori still hasnt gotten home.  I know she drives to well lite parks to run and she tries to stay safe, but I will always worry about her.  She watches the news and knows what can happen, so I know she is practical.  But she has never had to face any violence. She has never had to fend off an attacker, and she doesn't always realize that being practical and trying to be safe, doesn't really  mean she is safe.  And the pizza will be here in another 20 and I have seen that girl eat.  It’s scary.    Just as I am about to call her to check her ETA my phone starts to vibrate Tori’s name popping up on the screen. “Oh my god, why don't people just text, seriously who uses their phone to call anyone anymore.  Don't they know they are interrupting my viewing pleasure. How rude!” Vivi grumbles, as she turn the volume on the TV up a few more notches.  I can feel the annoyance radiating off of the small blond, so I grab my phone and take it into the kitchen to answer it. “Hey Tori, are you on your way home?  I ordered pizza. The small blond and I have started the demon-hunting without you.” I say into the phone. “Really, one would think having the pizza first would help with the demon hunting.  I mean you could use the pizza as a very effective bate to lure a poor unsuspecting demon into your trap before you spring and attack him with your no doubt alluring feminine wiles.  Now is there a sign up list for demons to volunteer or do I just have to wait for you to find me?” A smooth deep and very male voice spoke over the line. “Who the fuck is this, and why do you have my friends phone.” I could feel the rage in my voice masking over the fear. “Whoa chicka calm down. My name is Murmur.  Your friend was in a little car accident, she is fine, but she is staying here tonight with us” I could just hear the smug smile in this assholes voice.  That just fueled my rage.  Take a deep breath I try to keep my voice calm and quiet, I dont want to worry the small blond before I have to. “Oh, I am sorry, are you a medical professional calling from the hospital to inform me to come pick up my friend?” I ask, my tone dripping with sarcasm.  “No? Well then maybe you should give the phone to my friend so she can tell me where to come pick her up. And I swear to god if a single hair on her head is even slightly out of place I will own your ass. Do I make myself clear you arrogant douche nozzel. Now hand her the phone!”   Seriously I know life is a bitch, but today it is having puppies. This shit is ridiculous. “Douche nozzel,  you know if I had feelings they might almost be hurt.  I mean I am trying to do the stand up thing here.  I helped rescue a damsel in distress, putting a smudge in my perfectly shiny white knight armor in the process I might add, and then I call her friend so no one worries about her.  And this is the thanks I get?  Harsh.” Under normal circumstances, I would find his banter amusing  if not even a little charming.  Today is not a normal circumstance.  In fact today, all his witty banter has done is insure that any regret I may of felt about being a tad harsh is just gone. “Give Tori the phone” I growl. “No can do, cupcake. She is being seen by our Medic at the moment, and she is kinda out cold.  But I am being assured she is fine and I will have her call you when she is awake.    Tootles!”   The line went dead, oh   hell to the no.  Om Sarah  breath, inhale, exhale repeat as necessary. Once I am sure I am at least sort of in control of my rage, I calmly grab the phone, and call Tori’s cell.   Ok I will be civil, collected, calm and I dare say courteous, so I can find out what happened, where my friend is and get her home.   “Aw, sweetheart did you miss me already? Really its cute but its getting a little embarrassing.” The condescending male voice answers “WHO ARE YOU, AND WHERE IS TORI” Well, so much for calm and collected. “I told you, princess.  My name is Murmur, and your friend is fine. I will personally make sure she calls you as soon as possible. And since you have no idea where I am, or she is for that matter, and I have disabled the GPS on her phone, you are just going to have to take my word for it. And although I am sure you do a very sexy impersonation of a fire breathing dragon and are so ready to storm the castle to retrieve your wayward friend here, you wouldn't know what castle to storm. So you are just SOL.  Sorry Xena, no warrior princess impressions for you today, so put away the circle blade and have a seat, someone will contact you shortly.” Then the line went dead Calmly setting down my phone, so I dont throw it against a wall.  I take a few deep breaths to try and get my anger under control.  Breath in breath out  Breath in, breath out.   I start to repeat my mantra, “sun is warm grass is green, sun is warm grass is green….  Fuck this  sun is hot grass is fucking dead.”   Time to get some help and get shit taken care of,  heading back into the living room, I wonder how ethical my favorite small blond is. “Hey, Vivi..  If someone where to turn off the GPS in a cell phone,say Tori’s for example, could you still tell me where it is, or where it was when it was last turned on?”   Vivi turned towards me and raised an raising an eyebrow considered my question. “Could I?  Yes, I am all knowing and my powers of intellect are indeed beyond measure,  will I?   Well, its unethical, an invasion of privacy and illegal, so it depends on why and what I get out of it.” “I’ll learn how to play D&D and I will play for at least 2 hours once a month.” I offer knowing how badly she wants to play on a table top and not just with her friends on line. “3 hours twice a week, Tori plays too AND I get to watch the that show with the slutty not a demon chick” she countered. “No, I would let you watch it but your mom would kill me.  THen resurrect me just to off me again.   But I will agree to 2 hours once a week with me and Tori, and I will take you to buy more figurines.” “Fine, no show. But 3 hours once a week and one weekend a month where we play a long mission, I mean an all nighter with junk food and a lot of caffeine.” “You mean you want to take one netflix binge night and turn it into a D&D night?” “Yes” She nods “Done”  We shake on it and she grabs her laptop.  “So how long will this take you and your mad hacking skills” “I will have a location before the pizza gets here, and the delivery guy just pulled up.”  THe door bell rings and I go to answer the door. Once I am walking back to the living room with the boxes and a roll of paper towels to use as plates, Vivi already has the laptop open and sitting on the table. “She was at fountain head park running in circles, like a crazy person,  seriously who runs around a park In Arizona in the summer.  A small man made lake does not an oasis make.  Still hot, still crazy.  Anyway, then she left, or at least her cell phone did and the GPS was turned off in downtown phoenix. Right off central ave, in a really nice area. Looks like its right by those newish condos  the ones that look like a massive castle. She probably met some hot rich guy and is off making poor life choices.” “You hacked into the GPS on Tori’s phone and got all of that in two minutes?” I am just stunned.   “Ok first off its not like you asked me to hack the pentagon and get nuclear codes, honestly.   But no, I didn’t hack anything, mom has us all on a family plan for our phones, and she has some parental control thingys, so I just logged in and looked at the GPS logs,  then I used that with google maps and bam  info.  Common sense, really isn’t a super power ya know.”  She grabbed the pizza boxes from me and grabbed her first slice of pineapple pizza and started picking all the pineapple off. “I also went ahead and checked her car’s GPS and emergency system thing. It was also at the park,  but it logged a minor accident.  The incident report says it was a minor accident no injuries, and only a little cosmetic damage to the car itself. It said owner verbally confirmed no injury and that they had someone who would take the car to get it repaired.  It also noted police were not called, and that insurance would not be used because the other party was at fault and is paying for the damages out of pocket.  Since the report said owner verbally confirmed I am not overly worried.  Tori, isnt dumb and she is a big girl she can take care of herself.” I am not worried.”   I hate to admit it, but I think she is right.  I did get a call saying she was alright, and as long as I get another call in a few hours I shouldn't start panicking. She probably did find some hot guy and is making poor life choices. It isnt something she does often but it has been known to happen. Plus, she has been super stressed lately  maybe it will do her some good. “Fine, if you are soo smart tell me why, for the love of god, you make me order pineapple pizza and then pick all the pineapple off?” “Because I don't like to eat the pineapple, I just want a little pineapple flavor, like pineapple essence pizza, now can we get back to supernatural?  Or would you like me to get you the D&D guide, I play the 5th edition.”  As we settle on the couch ready to watch a few more episodes and eat our cheesy greasy dinner of awesome, I cant help but to think about Tori and where she is and if she is ok. Most of what Vivi told me matches the story that guy with the weird name said, but its just not really clicking me for me.  When I pick up my phone I see a text from a number I dont know. Unknown: Hey warrior princess, I figured you might be a little pissed off with our previous conversation, so I figured I would shoot you a message to assure you, again, that your friend is ok.  I would really hate for you to tail spin into an evil plot to hunt me down and murder me. And if I am being completely honest,  your cute little threats are pretty sexy, so I was hopeing for a few more of those to hold me over for the night. My god the nerve of this guy. Who the fuck talks like this? Sarah: OMG Douche nozzle,  you are disgusting.  But why would a text from an unknown number make me feel better about you kidnapping my friend? Unknown: Again  the name is Murmur,  not douche nozzle, but I will answer to mother fucker.  And here, for your piece of mind and spank bank.   I cant help a quick laugh as a picture comes through on my phone of a very attractive man who is doing the worse duck lips face I have ever seen in true selfie tradition. Sarah: And what exactly is that picture suppose to prove?  How do I even know that is you.  You probably googled selfie and just downloaded the pic of the first almost attractive person you saw. Unknown: that is a pic of me I just took  #nofilter   and what do you mean ALMOST attractive.  I will have you know I am considered adorable by some, pretty     by most and 100% fuck-able by all.   But I sent the pic so if your friend isnt home by tomorrow morning, you know what to look for when you start hunting me down for the maiming. Sarah: I still dont believe its you, you could be starting me on a quest to go hurt some innocent little European model while you are at home, in your moms basement eating nachos and playing World of Warcraft after selling my friend into slavery. Unknown: Ok dollface, what will it take for you to believe that is me.   And dont think for a second that I didn't notice you said I looked like a European model,  seriously I am blushing over here. Sarah:  send me a pic with a fork balancing on your nose. Unknown:  … uh  ok   give me a min.  I actually have to get up and find a fork. A few moments go by and my phone chimes with another message.  Its a picture of the same man balancing a fork on his nose. I stifle the a laugh and the true ridiculousness of this pic, and I save it to my phone and create a contact for this guy.  I need to save his number so I can make sure he gets Tori home. Kidnappy douche nozzle:  Believe me now sweetness? Sarah: Well that could be anyone with a fork on their nose Kidnappy douche nozzle:  Really, Really?  Riddle me this batgirl why would anyone take that pic, except in this specific situation.   Sarah:  Fine,  so the pic is you.  But that doesnt mean you have my friend and she is safe or that you are bringing her home. Kidnappy douche nozzle:  Well I would take a pic of your friend for you, but she is in my friends bed, and from what I have been told  taking pictures of women in bed without their knowelege is frowned upon.   Its just past the level of creepy I am willing to go to,  even for  a feisty thing like you.   Now it only seems fair that since I sent you 2 pics you send me atleast one  ;) Sarah: Life isnt fair, I am not sending you anything.   But you will return my friend in the morning or all hell will break loose and I will kill not only you     but everything you have ever even liked. Kidnappy douche nozzle: I will keep you updated on whats going on and when she is headed back home. Sarah:  then you may yet survive this. Kidnappy douche nozzle: now kitten, dont make promises you arnt willing to keep.

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (106/?)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Five

It turned out that having Michelle know he was Spider-Man and acknowledging that she did was a good thing. Michelle was just all that much better about covering for Peter. Just the other day when they’d gone on a small class trip and Peter had spotted a mugging happening, it was Michelle that had distracted everyone long enough for Peter to get away unnoticed and then again when he rejoined them.

The only thing about Michelle was that unlike Ned, she actually seemed concerned about what Peter got up to. She worried. It was weird especially when she pretended that she didn’t in person and then sent him long rambling texts about how he wasn’t being careful and how close he came to getting injured or hurting others.

It was all on par with how much coverage Spider-Man had started to get from the media which Peter didn’t particularly like. At first it had seemed cool to be mentioned on the news all the time and to have articles about Spider-Man popping up everywhere. His favorite were the YouTube videos since those were usually fun to watch mostly because they weren’t all made by anyone truly professional. But after a while, even those got old. It got annoying. Tony definitely disliked it.

“I just don’t like how interested everyone seems to be in finding out your identity,” his dad said while they were tinkering in the workshop. “It’s none of their business.”

Peter liked listening to him rant. It was kind of hilarious especially when one considered Tony’s own media presence basically his entirely life.

“And it’s not like we’ve announced that you’re an Avenger or anything but some reason they just seem to associate you with us.”

That’s when Steve spoke up. “That’s because they see you out and about with him all the time as Iron Man and Iron Man is an Avenger.”

“That isn’t the point,” Tony said.

“And also, Peter’s the only hero that’s popped up that has a hidden identity. Gives everyone a mystery to want to solve.”

Tony muttered some more and Peter tried not to laugh. He could tell that Steve was amused too.

Since all that stuff with The Vulture, Tony still did tend to show up when Peter needed help. He was better about letting Peter be involved in things especially when they didn’t involve alien tech. They had stopped some weird guy with what seemed to be some sort of power -- Tony said he was probably an inhuman -- just the other day from destroying a big portion of Greenwich Village. The guy hadn’t been doing it on purpose it turned out it. It was just that his powers were so unstable. Peter had been glad to have Tony there because he didn’t a single person could have handled everything that instance entailed. Even Vision had made an appearance for that. In the end they had subdued the guy and Tony had handed him over to a the new Shield.

“But also, it’s not just the identity thing,” Tony kept on, “it’s that there’s varying degrees of coverage. He’s good for the city. He’s a vigilante. He’s an Avenger. He’s not. It’s ridiculous. At least no one seems to have put together that I built your suit. Or at least no one’s written an article about it yet. And can you imagine if anyone found out I had a son? Because then they would definitely start questioning whether you were the one under the mask and then my parenting would come into question.”

It was no surprise to Peter that Ned loved it. He had a whole collection on articles written about him and he would send Peter the more outrageous ones and Peter would pass those on to Steve because Steve loved reading them too. May seemed to agree with Tony on the whole matter. But then, May also tended to try and get Peter to quit being Spider-Man altogether whenever she saw him and it wasn’t something that was ever likely to stop. She liked to bring up questions about school and girlfriends and college and how Spider-Man wouldn’t be an ideal addition to any of those as her way of asking him to stop.

As he stepped out of Midtown one afternoon, Peter was surprised when he spotted Tony complete with a baseball cap, sunglasses, a grin, and a thermal cup that probably contained coffee, leaning against a sleek black car that at least proved to be his least flashy. Still, no matter how hard he was trying, he looked out of place and people were noticing him.

Michelle who had walked out with him spotted Tony with no problem and when Peter glanced at her he could practically see her thinking. Her left eyebrow rose and she stared him down.

“Is Tony Stark actually picking you up right now?”

Peter shook his head. “Nope. It’s all in your imagination. You’re hallucinating.”

Michelle laughed -- cackled more like and Peter grinned back at her as she nudged him and rolled her eyes. Ned appeared then, busy with his backpack as he walked, and only managing to not run into anyone because anyone in his path dodged him.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Your boy here is being picked up by Tony Stark. Fancy that. I bet Flash will be jealous.”

“Which is why I’m going to go before anyone else notices,” Peter said and rushed away. When he looked back Michelle waved and Ned grinned at him and gave him thumbs up.

“Hey,” Peter said when he was close enough.

“Hi, kiddo,” his dad said, “I was in the area so I figured I’d come by and get you. I was also sort of craving this apple crostini this one restaurant has so we’re going to have to make a stop for that. Up for it?”

Peter rolled his eyes but nodded. “Sure.”

They got into the car and when Peter looked out the window he realized that a few people were watching them. Someone must have caught onto Tony being there. Not that it really mattered since everyone knew that Peter had a Stark Internship. Of course, no intern could have ever expected for Tony Stark himself to show up to pick them up from school. He was definitely going to hear about it.

The restaurant Tony took them to was a hole in the wall that no one would have ever noticed and yet it was busy. A well known secret. Nevertheless, they were seated at a discrete table towards the back without much wait which told Peter that Tony had called ahead.

“Why are we really here?” Peter asked.

“I told you -- apple crostini. Also, remind me to order one to go because Steve would kill us if we don’t bring him one back. We used to come here sometimes back in the day.”

“Oh,” Peter said.

His dad never really talked about how he and Steve had come to be and Peter didn’t really have any questions or want to know details, but he loved when Tony slipped in something that hinted at a past memory. It made him realize how normal it all was in some ways. Sometimes, it was still shocking to think about Iron Man and Captain America in a romantic relationship or to consider that they were getting married until he thought about them as Tony and Steve -- his dad and his dad’s fiance.

“Truth is, I wanted to catch up with you,” Tony said. “Things have been a bit crazy lately. Haven’t really spent much time with you on our own. Steve or someone else is usually around.”

Peter hadn’t -- no, he’d noticed, it was just that he hadn’t minded. He’d never expected to have Tony to himself all the time and had felt lucky when he did even if then it had been broken up to a few hours here and there and now he was living in the tower and had access to Tony all the time and it didn’t really matter that there were other people around.   

“We can start with, who was the girl?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Who, Michelle? I’ve told you about her. She’s the one that figured out I’m Spider-Man all on her own.”

“MJ. You said someone named MJ did.”

“Michelle Jones. She likes to be called MJ. Anyway, that was her.”

Tony nodded. The waitress approached then and Tony ordered the apple crostinis and remembered to order the one to go as well without Peter needing to remind him.

“So she’s super smart and observant,” Tony said.

“Yup. Definitely knew it was you waiting for me. Actually, I think a few people figured it out.”

Tony shrugged with a grin. “And they can all wonder about what your internship entails once more.”

Tony started asking about how things were going in school next and Peter filled him in even though he was sure he’d mentioned some of it to him in passing over the last few weeks.

The apple crostini turned out to be amazing. He was in the middle of telling Tony about what they’d started working on in physics when it arrived and after one bite of the crunchy and flaky crust with the warm apple filling and the ice cream and Peter was in heaven.

“I told you so,” Tony said.

“This is the best thing ever,” Peter said.

It was nice to have some time on his own with Tony. Tony told him all about how the board members were driving him and Pepper crazy because they didn’t like that Tony’s concern wasn’t all about profit when it came to the prosthetic division even when it came to custom projects.

“It’s like they don’t understand how good the PR is although that obviously isn’t why we’re doing it.”

“But it’s your company,” Peter said.

“Pepper and I own more than half of the shares of the company, sure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to deal with the board of directors. It’s the side of business that I don’t particularly like. Pepper is awesome at it. It’s all stuff you’ll have to learn about if you want to take over the company one day--”

“Um, what?” Peter said and almost choked on a piece of apple.

Tony chuckled. “Won’t be for a while and it’s up to you if you want it. It’s not an obligation, you know. You could find your own Pepper Potts and have someone else run it if you prefer. I rather you do what you want than what you think I want you to do so--”

Peter had sort of forgotten about how Tony had broken the news to him what felt like ages ago even though it hadn’t even been a full year yet. He’d forgotten how Tony told him that he would inherit everything as if that had been the right way to let him know that Tony was his father. Since then, Peter hadn’t really thought about it or the reality of what it actually meant which meant that it was overwhelming information to take in.

“I -- that’s--”

“What, did you forget that I’m Tony Stark? You’re my heir, kid, to this whole crazy company and whatever else I’ve accumulated.”

“But what if -- what if you and Steve have kids?” Peter asked.

It wasn’t something he’d considered before that moment, but wasn’t that what people did after they got married? They went and had kids. Peter was aware that Tony and Steve were both men but there were ways around that -- surrogacy or adoption or other weirder things. It was possible. Peter didn’t know if -- well, he didn’t know if he’d be thrilled about it if they did have kids. He felt weird even just thinking about it.

“Not really something we’ve discussed,” Tony said and he seemed to notice that Peter seemed uncomfortable. “And even if we did decide to have kids it wouldn’t be for a long while, Pete.”

“Oh,” Peter said. But they could still have some even if Peter was fully grown when they did--

Tony grabbed his hand. Tony’s hand was warm and familiar and Peter allowed himself to calm down. “Peter, you’re my kid. I -- I love you, kid. Not something that will ever change. I’ll always be here for you no matter what. Even if Steve and I adopt a hundred kids. You’re still always going to be my son and you’re the most important person in my life.”

Peter hadn’t expected Tony to say that. Those three words. Tony had said them before, he was sure, but Peter couldn’t actually remember. He certainly hadn’t expected them in the moment.

“I don’t think even Steve will want to adopt that many kids,” Peter said.

“If he even wants to,” Tony said with a shrug. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t be opposed to another kid -- it’s just I’d be fine with just you.”

“Oh,” Peter said. “But you didn’t get to raise me. Not really. Don’t you want that -- the whole baby thing?” Peter didn’t really understand why people were so keen on babies. He knew they were cute but they also cried and made messes and couldn’t really do anything and he actually -- he couldn’t see Tony or even Steve dealing with a baby well.

“That doesn’t matter. Clearly, it doesn’t. You’re still my kid, Peter, and as has been established you clearly need me a lot too no matter what your age is.”

Peter nodded. “I kind of do,” Peter said and then because he couldn’t say anything else, “I, um, I love you too, dad.”

He thought that Tony’s eyes got a bit misty at that and Peter realized that he’d never actually said it out loud before. But it was true. It had been true for a while. Peter loved Tony. He loved his dad and everything that he was and did for Peter. He was one of the best people he knew and Peter would forever be glad that he knew who his father was and that it was someone as amazing as Tony Stark.

Chapter One Hundred Seven

[artificialqueens]

What the Neighbours Say (New Year, New AU) (Trixya) – Ellen Thwoorp

Summary: Trixie moves into a new neighbourhood with her good for very few things husband, ready to begrudgingly start her life as a housewife. That’s when she meets Katya, her bubbly next door neighbour, who understands her situation even more than she knows. They both make discoveries but do they have the strength to pursue them?

A/N: Suburban housewife AU. This is more angsty than I would normally write but I liked this idea. I wanted to explore what might happen in an AU in which they’re not single when they meet. This also has a fair amount of smut. Also this is set in the 90s (I don’t know why thats where my brain sets stuff all the time). Happy endings for life.

(TW for unhappy sex (if that makes sense?), could be seen as dub con and infidelity)

“Either you are one of those dolls come to life to dominate our neighbourhood or you have a fabulous aesthetic.” A voice said from behind her, making Trixie jump and almost drop the box she was holding. “Oh sorry.” The woman apologised, as Trixie put the box at her feet for safe keeping. The last thing she wanted to do was break her collection of vintage Barbies, no matter how happy it would make her husband, Nick.

“It’s alright.” Trixie smiled. “And to answer, maybe I’m both.” The stranger laughed.

“You guys moving in?” The blonde woman asked. The first thing Trixie noticed about her was her bright smile, whitened teeth shining at her. The woman was thin but curvy with a sharply angled face that should have been severe looking but managed to come across soft. She was wearing a rather odd looking black and white wrap dress, the pattern clashing with her colourful cardigan.

“Yeah. I’m Trixie.” Trixie introduced herself, straightening the shabby, oversized pink shirt she was wearing. When she’d dressed that morning her mind had only been on not getting any of her clothes she actually liked dirty, she hadn’t even considered what she would look like if she met their new neighbours. She must look a mess to these people, she’d never lived anywhere so expensive before. She probably stuck out like a sore thumb.

She and Nick had been married for just over a year, after dating for a year. Some people said they moved too quickly but Trixie had been too smitten with the idea of being married to listen, excited to finally get the wedding she’d always dreamed of.

“Katya. I live next door.” The other woman introduced herself, reaching over the white picket fence to hold her hand out to Trixie.

“Oh. That’s nice.” Trixie smiled, wiping her hand on her cropped jeans before taking her hand to shake it. “Nick Hun, come say hello to our neighbour.” Nick looked up and gave a half-hearted nod before turning back to arguing on his cell phone. Trixie swallowed, trying to battle the embarrassed heat that wanted to fill her cheeks. “He’s not normally like that. Work and all.”

“It’s ok. I have one like that at home too.” Katya replied, with more understanding in her eyes that Trixie was comfortable with. Trixie shook herself, letting go of the other woman’s hand.

“Where are you from?” Trixie asked, quickly changing the subject.

“Novosibirsk in Russia. I moved here just before I married my husband.”

“That’s so interesting.” She smiled enthusiastically. She liked this woman. For once she might actually like her neighbour. She remembered Mrs Eleanor Florence, the mean old lady who used to live next door to her just after she left college. She used to sit on the front porch and watch everyone nosily, eating sunflower seeds by the tonne. She used to knock on Trixie’s door every Halloween and give her a lecture on how to listen out for alien contact.

“Would you like to come over for a drink or something on Monday, once the boys have gone to work? The days can get pretty boring for a live in.” Katya asked casually, leaning against the fence. Trixie blinked in surprise then smiled. She had thought making friends in this neighbourhood would be hard but Katya certainly seemed very friendly.

“Oh, yeah. This will actually be the first time I haven’t had a job in a while. After he got this promotion Nick insisted, so…”

“Andrew, my husband, he’s the same. Insisted on being the bread winner.” Katya shrugged. There was an underly tension that suggested to Trixie that Katya didn’t care for the arrangement but she chose not to think on it too much. “So drinks? I could fill you in on all the gossip, you can’t live on this street without knowing who to avoid?”

“Is here a lot of people to avoid?” Trixie asked, looking around at the other houses, each one basically identical.

“Basically everyone.” Katya laughed, leaning forward as though it was a secret. “Excluding myself of course.”

“Drinks sounds great.”

“Fantastic, I’ll see you tomorrow say twelve? I’ll make lunch.”

“Ok.”

……………

From that first lunch the pair shared they became practically inseparable. They would do everything together from shopping to cooking to spa days. In fact there was only one thing Katya insisted on doing on her own and that was getting her hair done. Trixie had once asked her where she went as she needed a cut and the older woman had clammed up suddenly and spouted some nonsense about her hairdressers being exclusive. Trixie had merely shrugged, Katya was an odd duck so she’d just added it to the long list of Katyaisms that was forming in her head.

She been told off by her husband several times for constantly talking about the other woman, saying she sounded obsessed or something. That had hurt Trixie more than she’d expected it too, perhaps hitting a little too close to home. She’d countered that since he insisted she didn’t work not many things happened to her other than what she did with Katya. Did he expect her to sit and listen to him talk about his day at work without having to return the favour? This had turned into possibly one of the worst arguments they’d ever had, resulting in him sleeping on the sofa and Trixie crying herself to sleep wishing that Katya was there.

Nick wasn’t the only one to notice how much time Trixie was spending with the other woman. Several of the other women in the neighbourhood, a group who all went to get their nails done together and did yoga with their chia lattes, came up to her to warn her. They’d tell her Katya was odd and she always had been. That she didn’t fit in with the community and that Trixie didn’t need to make herself a social outcast. They pressed how important it was to choose the right people to associate with.

Trixie remembered the time Debbie from across the street had come up to the two of them to introduce herself to Trixie. She had completely ignored Katya, enthusing about how pretty Trixie was and how much she liked her hair. She’d then invited her to cocktails with herself and the rest of the Stepford wives, as Katya called them. When Trixie had asked if Katya could come to her face turned sour.

“We don’t really think she’d fit in with us. You’d fit in so well, you’re nice and normal. It’s important when you’re new to choose the right friends.”

Trixie had looked at Katya who wore a mask of indifference although Trixie felt as though she could see something else in her eyes, fear? She was Katya’s only friend here, a fact she could hardly understand. She was funny, kind and so full of energy.

Trixie had looked Debbie straight in the eye and informed her she would be sure to choose the right friends. The triumphant look of Debbie’s face lasted barely five seconds as Trixie took Katya’s arms and continued towards her house, calling for Debbie and her friends to enjoy their cocktails. Katya was quiet for a while after they’d walked away, not speaking until they’d reached the door to her house.

“You should have gone for cocktails, Trixie. Don’t exclude yourself because of me.” She’d said, her voice a mixture of sadness and bitterness.

“If you don’t fit in with them then how on Earth will I?” Trixie had laughed. “We already disagree on one thing.” Katya has simply blinked at her. “I think you’re great.”

Katya had smiled at her so brightly Trixie had thought to get her eyes checked for damage. That night they’d made cake and laughed for hours, leading Trixie to completely forget she even had a husband on his way home from work until ten minutes before her was due to arrive. She rushed out of the house, kissing Katya’s cheek hurriedly, not noticing the blush of Katya’s face.

Katya became the closest friend Trixie had ever had, almost like a sister. That was why the first thing she did when she felt the sadness wash over her was turn up at her door, thankful her husband was away so often.

……………….

“Now tell me what’s wrong.” Katya said gently as she guided Trixie to sit on her sofa.

“I think my husbands having an affair.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I found expensive lingerie, in its box and everything. I thought it was for me but the sizes. Katya, they were tiny.” Trixie moaned, holding her hands in front of her to show a size that certainly would not fit her round hips and butt. “I thought maybe he got the wrong size and they’re a gift but he gave me the damn vacuum cleaner for our anniversary. I checked where he’d hidden it and it was gone.”

“So who’s the lingerie for?” Katya filled in with a nod.

“Exactly.” Trixie nodded, looking down at the glass of wine in her hand. “He’s always away. He’s so protective of that damn cell phone. We never have sex anymore.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Come her, you’ve smudged all your makeup.” Katya said gently, shuffling closer and grabbing a tissue. Trixie allowed herself to look at the other woman as she began to wipe her face. Why did her being so close make Trixie so comfortable yet so nervous at the same time? She wasn’t afraid of her. They were friends. Katya smiled at her when she caught her eye. Trixie couldn’t help but smile back. She would never be as beautiful as Katya. Katya was radiant.

Trixie bit her lip, wanting to ask a question but afraid of hurting her. Katya just continued to smile comfortingly at her, letting hand hand fall to rest at the crooks of Trixie’s elbow. “Has Andrew ever…?”

“What? Cheated?” She asked with a raised eyebrow as they both leant back into the sofa.

“Yeah.” Trixie nodded.

“Oh, I know he fucks other women.” Katya huffed, taking a rather large sip from her wine, but then Katya always did finish her drinks faster than Trixie.

“What? How?” The younger woman asked in disbelief. Katya knew. How could she be so flippant?

“You know Andrew, not smart enough to hide a Christmas present let alone a whole person.” Katya rolled her eye, putting down her empty glass. She looked at it for a second as though surprised by it before suddenly snapping out of it and looking up.

“Does he know you know?”

“Yeah, we never talked about it but I’m pretty sure he knows I know.”

“How can you just be alright with him fucking other women?” Trixie asked, trying not to sound incredulous but failing. How could Katya stand the betrayal?

“Because I do it too.” She replied softly, thumb rubbing gently on Trixie’s arm where her hand still rested. Trixie frowned. While she was sure Katya could have her pick of any man she wanted, part of her couldn’t quite believe it. She could believe that Katya was a liar. She’d always thought that cheating was a slimy, lecherous thing to do and yet across from her sat the funny, kind, elegant Katya. The last thing she was was slimy or lecherous.

“What? You sleep with men behind his back?” Trixie asked, needing the clarification. Maybe she’d misunderstood.

“No.”

“But you said-”

“Trixie.” She interrupted, putting her hands over Trixie’s and cupping them softly. Trixie swallowed, reminding herself that when you have no affectionate physical contact, holding hands with anyone felt good. “I don’t fuck other men behind his back. I fuck other women.”

“What?”

“I don’t sleep with men, I sleep with women.” She clarified, watching Trixie carefully. Suddenly everything changed for Trixie. They weren’t holding hands as friends anymore because Katya… she liked women. You don’t hold hands with someone unless you like them. What did it mean for Katya to like her? What if it meant she wanted her?

“Oh my god. You’re a dyke?” Trixie breathed, pulling her hands away from Katya hold. She let them go, sitting back a little further.

“It’s complicated, but I seem to be sexually attracted to both women and men. That has nothing to do with the fact I don’t love my husband anymore.” Katya said, her voice a little hoarse. She sounded wrong. Trixie couldn’t pin point it, her voice just sounded off somehow.

“Why would you stay with him if you don’t love him?” Trixie asked after a long moment of silence.

“The kids. The house. My parents. His parents. My visa. There’s a lot of reasons, Trixie.”

“So you just habitually cheat on each other?! That’s disgusting.”

“Would you still think it was disgusting if I was sleeping with the pool boy behind his back and not my hair dresser?” Katya countered. Trixie paused for a moment. The hairdresser. The ‘exclusive’ hairdresser.

“I- y- I need to leave, I should go home.”

“Trixie, you don’t have to go, you can stay here tonight.”

“No, no don’t.” Trixie snapped, pulling away from Katya’s touch. “I don’t want you like that. Ok, I don’t. I’m straight and I don’t like you like that. Stop looking at me like that.”

“Woah, ok. I meant you could stay in the spare room or I’ll sleep down here. I’m not some kind of predator.” Katya said, raising her hands and quickly taking a step back. Guilt could in Trixie stomach at the hurt on the other woman’s face. God why did everything have to be so complicated.

“I have to go. Goodbye.”

…………..

Three weeks later…

“Hey.” Nick called as he walked into the house. Trixie checked her lipstick in the shiny toaster before he walked into their kitchen. He’d been away for three days at a confrence, or so he said. She was going to not only win her husband back from whoever he was seeing on the side but she was going to prove something to herself.

“Hi. Did you have a good day at work?” Trixie asked as he walked into the dimly lit room.

“Hey, what’s all this?”

“I thought we could have a special night just for us.” Trixie smiled, opening her robe to reveal the expensive lingerie she’d bought with Katya. It was odd but she couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed as Nick looked at her with little more than mild interest masked as hunger. When Katya had first seen her in this, the look in her eyes was indescribable. She hadn’t been able to place it before but knowing what she knew now about Katya, it was certainly lust. Katya’s compliments had made her feel so beautiful. So special. So important. Nick just made her feel cheap as he leant forward and kissed her.

They made their way up to their bedroom, Nick pulling at his tie.

…………..

She moaned, exaggerating it as she often did, for his benefit. It wasn’t bad, it was nice and all. It felt more like he didn’t know how to touch her anymore. That or he just didn’t bother to know anymore. She wondered if Katya would know where to touch her. She must do, she’s a woman. She knows where feels good.

That was when the image of Katya on top of her came into her mind. Katya kissing her neck as she pushed her fingers inside. Katya rolling her nipple between her teeth as she writhed. Katya sliding down her body to press a clever mouth right up against her. Trixie opened her eyes in surprise at how real her moan was she Nick pushed into her.

“God you’re so fucking wet.” Nick breathed as he began to fuck her. Trixie swallowed, guilt washing over her as she realised what just happened. She was thinking about Katya. About Katya touching her. And it was turning her on. She wrapped her arms around her husband as he pushed into her. He wasn’t even looking at her. She’d put all this effort into looking nice and he didn’t even appreciate it. Katya would have appreciated it, a small part of her brain supplied as she returned to fake moaning in the hope it would be over soon.

“I love you.” He groaned as her pounded into her, his socks still on his feet.

“I love you too.” Trixie gasped out, a tear leaking from her eye as her husband tensed and came. She quickly wiped it away as he rolled off her to lay on his back. It was barely three minutes before he began snoring. She took a deep breath, climbing out of the bed and going into the bathroom. She hadn’t meant it. She’s said it but she didn’t mean it at all. She didn’t love him. Not anymore.

She shut the door behind her, hands shaking as she looked at herself in the mirror. How long had it no longer been true? How many times has she lied? Not only to Nick but to herself. Her hands gripped the side of the sink as she let silent tears run down her face.

Not for the first time in the past few weeks she wished Katya was there. She found herself wishing it almost every minute of every day. She’d tried to go over and see her, apologise for how she was, spend time with her again. But she couldn’t. Every time she came close to their front door a feeling bubbled up in her chest. It scared her.

She raised her eyes to look at herself in the mirror. She pulled out a tissue from the box in front of her and began to tidy up her make up. You want Katya, she thought to herself, you want to sleep with her.

“I’m not gay.” She breathed, barely audible. But I’m also not happy. Taking a step back Trixie scrutinised herself in the mirror. She looked so good, and he hadn’t even said anything. Hadn’t even bothered to take is socks off. Katya would have said something. Maybe she still could, the bad part of her mind suggested. She swallowed. What was she doing?

……………….

"Hi.“ Trixie said softly when Katya finally opened her front door. They hadn’t spoken in almost three weeks now. Trixie had thought the separation might help her. Might stop her thinking about Katya all the time. But it didn’t. She only found herself obsessing more. Thinking about Katya with several faceless woman in several different positions.

"Oh, hey.” Katya said in surprise, looking her up and down. “Are you alright?” Trixie swallowed looking down at her pink silken dressing gown.

“Is- is Andrew here?” The younger woman asked, avoiding the question because she found she didn’t know the answer herself. She shivered slightly in her thin clothes.

“No, he’s away at a conference or so he tells me.” Katya supplied with a shrug, still looking thoroughly confused by the situation.

“C-can I come in?”

“Of course, sweetie.” Katya said gently, stepping aside to let the other woman into her house. Trixie slumped into the house, arms wrapped around her robe. It was like she was trying to hold herself together, arms squeezing herself tight so that she wouldn’t just fall to pieces of Katya ugly rug. “What can I do for you?” Katya asked as she shut the door behind her. Trixie came to a stop in the hall and looked up the stairs. What could she do for her?

She turned around, pulling at the tie on the front of her robe. Katya stared in disbelief as she held it open to reveal her lingerie. “You like me in the lingerie, how about you take it off me.” Trixie said as confidently as she could. Katya looked her up and down appreciatively before frowning at her.

“What are you doing, Trixie?” She asked, stepping closer, fingers twitching as though trying to restrain a need to touch.

“Please.” She said with a slightly shaky voice.

“What do you want?” Katya asked as she stepped into Trixie’s personal space. The younger woman let her arms fall around Katya’s shoulders.

“I want you to touch me.” Trixie gasped, her breath heavy. God she was so close. “I want to come, God it’s been so long since someone made me feel good I-”

“And you think I can make you do that?” Katya whispered, nose brushing against Trixie’s as her warm hands rested softly on her hips. She could feel her thumbs stroking at the skin between her knickers and her garter belt.

“I know you can.” She replied, pressing closer against the other woman. Katya regarded her for a moment before leaning forward to kiss her. It was one of the sweetest kisses Trixie had tasted in a long time. She sighed, pushing her fingers into Katya’s hair. It was odd how different it felt, kissing a woman. The body pressed against her, both familiar and unfamiliar as Katya slid an arm around her.

“Take me upstairs?” Trixie asked when she finally pulled away for air. She knew it was a cliché but kissing Katya felt like drowning. When she caught Katya’s eye she knew something had just changed. She couldn’t go back now. She’d tasted something homemade Italian macaroni and cheese, she couldn’t go back to Kraft dinners now. Ok, so the food analogy was odd but she found herself smiling, knowing that Katya would have found it funny.

Katya reached forwards to carefully brush Trixie’s delicately styled hair away from her face. “Ok.” She nodded after searching Trixie’s face for a moment. She took the other woman’s hand, leading her up the stairs. Trixie followed, nerves bubbling her stomach at the quiet tension that threatened to snap at any moment.

“Are you sure about this, Trixie?” Katya asked as Trixie laid back on her disastrously decorated bed. Trixie smiled down at the clashing prints. Katya didn’t fit in the neighbourhood, she never could. People thought that was a bad thing, that she was wrong for being weird but it was honestly one of Trixie’s favourite things about her.

“Yes.” Trixie nodded, looking at her with a smile. She surprised herself in just how okay she felt. Sure she was nervous but it was a good kind of nervous. That mixture of nerves and excitement that fills your belly on the first day of school or prom or a first date.

“And you know we can stop whenever, if it’s too much or you don’t like it we can just…”

“Katya, I know.” She said reassuringly, giving her a smile as she slipped her robe off and dropped it onto the floor beside the bed. She leant back coyly. “Now take that off.” She added, nudging the fabric of Katya’s dress with her toes. The Russian smiled, raising her arms to pull it over her head. Colour stained Trixie’s cheeks as she looked at Katya. “You’re not wearing any underwear.” She rasped, her mouth dry as she looked at the other woman’s naked body.

“What will the neighbours say?!” Katya gasped in mock horror, hand coming to rest on her neck as though she was clutching pearls. Trixie giggled. “I’m afraid it doesn’t make me quite the sight you are.” Katya added, chuckling as she slid onto the bed, crawling on top of the other woman. Trixie heart beat sped up as she loomed over her. Katya’s presence was so overpowering, it was as though she filled every corner of the room.

“I think you look amazing.” Trixie breathed, letting her eyes trail up to meet the other woman’s. She raised her hand to touch her before suddenly faltering. It had taken her all this time to realise she didn’t quite know how to touch the other woman. The last thing she wanted to be was a selfish lover, she wanted Katya to feel as good as her.

“It’s alright.” Katya said softly, looking her in the eye. “You can touch me wherever you want.” Trixie swallowed before moving to cup Katya breast in her hand. She let out a small gasp as she felt her. It was an odd and yet erotic feeling, touch another woman’s breasts. She’d expected them to feel the same as her own and yet they didn’t. They seemed heavier, her skin softer. Katya sighed in pleasure and leant forward to kiss Trixie again. The kissed languidly, Katya’s hands roaming gently yet modestly up and down her thigh. Trixie found herself surprised just how slow this was. It was as though Katya was taking time to memorise her, to get to know her mouth thoroughly before she moved on anywhere else.

“God you’re beautiful.” Katya moaned, sitting back on her heels to look down at her. “Let me take it in before it take it off you.” She explained, eyes roaming over Trixie in a way that might have made her feel uncomfortable if it was anyone else.

“Please, Katya.” She gasped, wriggling a little beneath her. As much as she wanted to go slowly, taking everything in, she was already desperate for release. She wanted everything and she wanted it as soon as possible.

“It’s okay sweetie, I’ve got you.” The older woman said softly, pressing a kiss to her thigh as she unhooked her suspenders and began to slide her stocking down.

“You don’t need to take it all off.” Trixie informed her, letting her hand fall back on the pillow beside her as Katya slid her other stocking down her leg. She waved them in the air with a flourish she seemed to know would make Trixie smile before dropping them to the floor.

“And deprive myself of seeing this gorgeous body in all its glory?” Katya asked incredulously, a playful smile on her face.

“You make me feel…” Trixie began before falling quiet, chewing her lip as Katya came to lean close to her.

“What? What do I make you feel?”

“Special.” She confessed as Katya helped her out of her bra, dragging the pink lace down her arms “Beautiful.” Katya hooked her fingers in her underwear, sliding it down as Trixie felt blush tint her cheeks. What surprised her was that the embarrassment wasn’t due to her nudity but her confessions. Looking up from her place laid between Trixie’s legs, Katya watched her closely. “Important.” …Loved, Trixie’s mind added at the end. Katya made her feel how Nick was supposed to make her feel.

“You are all those things.” Katya said with a surprisingly sad look in her eyes. She trailed up Trixie’s body, pressing stray kisses to her skin. “Don’t you feel like that the rest of the time?”

Trixie shook her head.

“You are so special, Trixie.” She said firmly, looking down at her with the softest eyes.

“Please. Katya. Ah.” Trixie moaned as Katya hand slid down between her legs. The Russian grinned, dipping to kiss her neck.

“Are you wearing new perfume?” She asked as she slid down Trixie’s body. Trixie could only nod her breath heavy with anticipation. “It suits you.” She grinned, positioning one of Trixie’s legs over her shoulder.

Trixie didn’t know if Katya saw the smile that split her face before she leant down to lick her. But soon it didn’t matter as Katya’s tongue flicked her clit. She let out a moan, not realising how worked up she was.

Trixie’s hand quickly fell to her breast, squeezing it as Katya continued to lick and suckle gently on her clit. God she was good. She could feel her toes curling as she writhed. Katya had a hand wrapped tightly around her raised leg, the other resting on her stomach to still her movements.

Katya moaned as Trixie took her hand and pulled it up to rest on her breast. Trixie twitched at the feel of the vibration against her. She held her own hand tightly over Katya’s as the other woman massaged her breast. The Russian was certainly talented with her mouth in way Trixie hadn’t experienced in years, if ever. Katya’s fingers laced with her own over her breast, pushing one of her nipples between their joined fingers.

It really didn’t take long for Trixie soft moan to turn into near screams. She grasped the head board with her free hand, needing to hold onto something as she felt orgasm approach. “Katya.” She moaned as the other woman slid a finger inside her and crooked it. Blinding hot pleasure shot through her spine as she came harder than she had in years. Katya rode her through it, pressing kisses to clit before taking a long slow lick from her opening all the way up. Trixie shuddered, feeling boneless.

“God that was hot.” Katya moaned, hand between her legs. Trixie’s mind had evidently leaked from her ears during orgasm as it took her several seconds to realise what Katya said and what she was doing.

“Let me.” Trixie said quickly her breath still heavy. For a moment she worried her arms wouldn’t respond before she reached out to the other woman.

“I’m not far. Just do what you would do to yourself.” She instructed as she laid back on the bed. Trixie rolled on top of her, sliding her hand teasingly down Katya’s stomach. The look on Katya face as she finally touched her was something to behold. Trixie kissed her chest, shocked at just how wet the other woman was. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed eating her out. She enjoyed touching her.

Trixie pushed a finger inside as Katya raised her leg to allow her better access. The Russian moaned and shivered as she began to push in and out slowly, her thumb rubbing circles against her clit.

“How are you so ah-” Katya gasped out as Trixie began to move faster, crooking her fingers slightly as Katya had.

“Shhh.” Trixie hushed as she kissed Katya’s neck, trailing down to gently take one of her nipples between her teeth. Katya’s hands gripped her arm tightly as she moaned, she was close already. She began rambling Russian as Trixie sucked her nipple, picking up the pace of her fingers. Her whole body tensed as she came, head thrown back in a silent cry. She slumped, trying to get her breathing back to a more normal rate.

Trixie rolled back, smiling softly as Katya followed her. Resting her head on Trixie’s shoulder, her arm wrapped tightly around her waist. They lay like that for several minutes, just breathing. Trying to cling to the good feeling as long as they could. Trixie stroked Katya’s long hair. She had always wondered how soft it would feel between her fingers. And now she knew. So many of those things she’d wondered about Katya. What she would look like in the throes of passion? How it would feel to kiss her? All those things she’d thought about while Nick snored on the other side of the bed.

Nick.

Trixie looked up at the ceiling and felt tears prick her eyes. She tried to fight the tears, not wanting Katya to feel bad or like she was at fault. Her hand came to cover her mouth as she began to cry.

“Trixie?” Katya frowned, evidently feeling Trixie’s shoulders shake. “Oh Trixie.” She breathed when she saw her face. “This is my fault, I knew something was wrong.” She said quickly, looking away in anger. Trixie momentarily felt hurt but it quickly became clear who she was angry at as she rubbed her eyes. Katya was angry at herself.

“I’m sorry.” She gasped, wiping fat tears as they rolled down her face. It was like someone had opened the floodgates, the harder she tried to stop the more she cried. She must look terrible with make-up streaking down her cheeks.

“Oh Trixie, come here.” Katya sighed, pulling her into a hug. She stroked her hair gently as she rocked them slightly. “I understand. You feel guilty. It’s ok. We can forget it ever happened.” She assured her, although something in her voice betrayed the truth of the matter. Katya didn’t want to forget.

“But I don’t feel guilty.” Trixie sobbed. “That’s the awful part. I’m a terrible person.”

“You’re far from a terrible person, sweetie, you’re the most amazing person I know.”

“I think the same about you.” The younger woman confessed, not able to look up from her place pressed against Katya’s chest for fear of what she might see.

“I’m going to get you something to drink, I’ll be right back.” Katya said as she stood, walking out of the room naked as the day she was born. Trixie ran her hands over her eyes and looked down at them. A silver band lay heavy on her finger.

She couldn’t decide if it was worse that she did what she did or that she didn’t regret it. God, she was a shitty person. How had she been so angry at Nick for betraying their relationship when she had done the same? How often had she lied to him? Was it every time she said she loved him? Was she lying on their wedding day? How did she know? Truth and lies had become muddled up in what she and others expected her to feel.

“Here.” Katya said gently and she sat down beside the other woman. She slid a mug into her hand. “It’s tea, I’d give you something stronger but I can’t have alcohol in the house anymore.” She shrugged, not meeting Trixie’s eye as she fiddled with a thread on one of her colourful blankets.

“You stopped drinking?” Trixie asked in surprise, part of her secretly relieved to hear so.

“Yeah, it- its was close to turning into something. Turning me into someone I didn’t want to be.”

“Do you feel better now?” She asked hopefully, blowing on the tea to cool it before taking a sip.

“No, it feels like shit, I just have to believe it’ll feel better tomorrow.” Katya confessed, running idle fingers over Trixie’s knee. Trixie smiled, dropping her free hand down to take Katya’s, hoping it would let her know that there was no shame in what she was doing.

“I’ve been doing that for the past six years. It doesn’t always work.” Trixie said humourlessly as Katya laced their fingers.

“What’s going on, Trixie?”

“Nick and I just had sex. Before I came I mean.”

“You’re telling me my mouth made indirect contact with Nick’s cock.” Katya shuddered, her nose wrinkled in disgust.

“Shut up.” Trixie said, failing to stop the giggle from bubbling up her chest. Katya smirked, nudging her with her shoulder. “He was wearing a condom and this is serious.”

“Ok.”

“He told me that he loved me.” Trixie continued, looking up to meet Katya’s eyes.

“Ok, that’s good. Right?” The Russian asked in what was evidently supposed to be cheeriness.

“I said it back. But I didn’t mean it, Katya.” She sighed, looking down at her tea as the steam swirled above the cup. “I just realised how many times I said it but I didn’t actually mean it.”

“Oh sweetie.” Katya sighed with understanding in her voice that hurt Trixie in a way she hadn’t been expecting. It sounded too much like Katya understood due to personal experience.

“All I do is lie to him. I tell him I love him. I’ve fake every orgasm I’ve had with him for the past almost year and a half.” She took a breath, it felt good to get her feelings out. There was no way she could tell her mother or sister, they wouldn’t understand or worse they’d tell her they’d told her so and refuse to help her with the mess she was in. “I was so mad at him for lying but I’m just as bad.”

“Faking an orgasm isn’t the same as cheating.”

“What did I just do Katya?” Trixie huffed, looking up to meet the other woman’s eye. She sighed and took a sip of her tea before placing it on the bedside table. “It’s like I just suddenly realised how fucking miserable I am all the time. Why am I living like this? Why am I doing this to my husband? To my family?”

“I can’t believe this.” Katya huffed, shaking her head.

“What?”

“Your husband is a dick and you’re blaming yourself for everything. Why do you always have to play the victim?” She snapped, letting go of Trixie as she stood. She was seemingly restless as she began to pace at the end of the bed.

“Excuse me?!” Trixie squeaked indignantly, she didn’t understand where this sudden anger came from but it felt very out of character for the Katya she thought she knew.

“So your husband is fucking somebody else. So you don’t love him anymore. So he doesn’t appreciate you. So he doesn’t worship every part of you like he should. What are you going to do about it?”

“Oh you’re one to talk. With your not so secret affairs.” Trixie argued back, moving to the bottom of the bed and rising to her knees to put herself on a more equal level with the other woman.

“That’s exactly why I’m saying this to you, because I wish someone had said it to me four years ago.” Katya insisted, the regret in her voice making Trixie’s heart break into small pieces. “What are you going to do about it, Trixie?”

“I-”

“Don’t you dare just accept this shit. Don’t you dare just decide it’s terrible and there’s nothing to be done.” She cried, her voice suddenly dropping as she looked at Trixie with earnest eyes. “You’re worth so much more than that.” Katya sighed. Trixie swallowed, how was it that compliments from Katya felt different than when they came from other people. When Katya told her she was beautiful, she made her believe it just by the way she said it. As though she couldn’t be surer of any other fact. “What do you want, Trixie?”

“I want to be in love again.” She confessed, thinking of all the things she thought she would have when she married her sweetheart. “I want to laugh. I want to cuddle. I watch stupid movies and eat cake. I want to go on picnics and spend the whole trip in the car because of the rain.” Trixie continued, suddenly realising she’d unintentionally shifted from general feelings to specific things she’d done with Katya. “I want to be happy again.”

“And how are you going to do that?” Katya asked.

“I’m going to leave my husband.”

“I’m very proud of you.” The Russian breathed, her eye shining with a mixture of pride, happiness and envy. It was as though she’d decided she was too far gone. As though she was stuck but she’d realised she could grant freedom to someone who still had the chance to get out.

“And you’re going to come with me." Trixie blurted out enthusiastically, grabbing Katya’s hands.

"What? Trixie I can’t I-” Katya began to argue, looking down at their hands sadly.

“Why not?”

“I just can’t Trixie, there might be problems with my visa and Andrew knows about the women. He’ll tell people Trixie.” She insisted, fear creeping into her eyes. It was then that Trixie wondered just how many people knew that Katya liked woman as well as men.

“So?”

“Oh my god, that’s such a straight person thing to say.” Katya huffed, rolling her eyes. “People are not going to like it.” Trixie sat back on her heels and though about this for a moment. She knew that it was an unusual and likely risky choice to live an openly gay life with your lover. With the aids crisis fresh in the memory of most of the world she knew there would be prejudice. But she also knew there would be allies. People, communities, groups that would not only accept but embrace them.

“Were you here fifteen minutes ago? That didn’t seem very straight.”

“Letting me eat you out does not a lesbian make, Trixie.” Katya laughed, looking at Trixie with fond eyes.

“Maybe I’m not as straight as you think.” Trixie countered, pulling the other woman closer by their joined hands. Katya chuckled as Trixie face came within inches of her own.

“Oh yeah?” She countered, stepping closer.

“Yeah.” Trixie nodded, pressing her lips to Katya’s in a fairly quick open mouthed kiss. Katya hummed into the kiss, hand coming to rest on the back of her head.

“Trixie.” Katya sighed, her tone warning as she pulled away, putting some distance between them, even if it was a small amount of distance.

“Come with me, Katya. We’ll go find a place together. We’ll sort things out. Nothing is going to change until we make it change.”

“People are going to think you’re my girlfriend if they find out I’m gay and we’re living together.” Katya mumbled, looking down at the ground as she ran her fingers through her hair.

“It would be quite the scandal.” Trixie giggled, her tone evidently surprising the other woman.

“You don’t mind that?” She blinked.

“What if it was true?”

“Oh my god, this isn’t happening.” Katya breathed, hands coming to cover her eyes as she walked in an aimless circle as she tried to process this information.

“Katya. I don’t really understand what I feel for you but it is something and it is real. I think about you all the time, you make me happy. I- I was even thinking about you when Nick and I were…” She trailed off, sighing at Katya’s frantic motions. She stood and came to stand in front of the other woman, placing her hands on her hips to hold her still. Katya peeked out from behind her fingers, her eyes conveyed a mixture of nerves and joy that left Trixie feeling confident in her words. “I think I might be in love with you and I know it’s kind of out of nowhere and I don’t really understand it but… that’s how I feel. So there.” She said with a sense of finality, letting her hands fall to her sides.

“I- I mean this is all so sudden. I’ve wanted to hear you say you liked me like that for so long, but last time we saw each other you wouldn’t even touch me Trixie.” Katya rambled, hurt colouring her eyes as she thought back to the last time they’d spoken.

“I was scared of what I felt. I still kind of am honestly.” Trixie confessed, looking at the ground guilty before gathering her courage. “But I know that you make me happy. Do I make you happy?” She asked hopefully, placing a gentle hand on Katya’s bicep.

“Yes, more than anyone I’ve ever known.” Katya sighed, stepping forwards to pull her into a hug. “I don’t like to let people know when I’m scared. I’m scared a lot of the time, even Andrew doesn’t know this but even the grocery store scares me.” Katya whispered in her ear, hands holding her waist tightly. Trixie swallowed, shocked by the confession. Katya always seemed so together, so calm and collected.

“Sometimes it good to be scared. It lets you know life is interesting.” Trixie said gently, stroking her hand over Katya’s long hair.

“Is that why I’m terrified right now? Because life is interesting.” Katya asked, her chest moving against Trixie’s as she chuckled breathlessly.

“Maybe. Listen you don’t have to come with me. But if you ever decided you wanted to you’d always be welcome.”

“I thought you wanted me to come with you.”

“I do.” Trixie said earnestly. “But I’d rather you were comfortable. If you want to stay here. If you feel safe here, stay Katya. I mean it.” She pressed a kiss to the other woman’s hands. “Then you can visit me as much as you want. Maybe one day you’ll be ready to join me.”

“You’d do that for me? You’d go all alone?” Katya asked in surprise, blinking rapidly.

“Of course.“ Trixie nodded as Katya stared down at the carpet beneath their feet.

"You still want to run away together?” The Russian asked after a long moment of silence.

“Uh-huh.”

“Do you know the number of a good divorce lawyer?”

“You’re coming?” Trixie asked hopefully. Katya bit her lip as grinned widely, nodding.

“This is crazy, you’re crazy.” Katya giggled as Trixie jumped in the air, hugging her tightly.

“Maybe a little.” Trixie confessed, swooping forwards to press the hard kiss to Katya’s lips. She pulled away, quickly searching for her underwear. “Pack your bags.”

“You want to go right now? What about your stuff?” Katya blinked, evidently surprised by the sudden action. She looked over at the clock, nine o’clock.

“I’ve had bags packed since I found out about the cheating. We can come back and get the rest of our stuff later, we’ll figure all that out later.” Trixie said with a wave of her hand. She remembered when she’d angrily packed the bags while Nick was at work. By the time she’d finished her anger had been replaced with overwhelming sadness and she’d gone straight to Katya’s.

“Ok. But you write that man a letter. He may be a selfish motherfucker but don’t stoop to his level by leaving with no explanation.” Katya inisisted, waggling her finger at the other woman as she picked up her dress.

“Ok.” Trixie nodded as Katya slid her dress on. A wave of guilt hit her as she remembered some of the good times she and Nick had had when they’d first met. They weren’t a poorly suited pair, they’d gotten on pretty well when they first got together but it became clear to Trixie as she reflected on their time together that the longer they were together the less he seemed to care about her. He took her for granted, slowly realising that he could get away with doing less and less on his end.

“I’m going to go pack. There’s a pad of paper and a pen by the telephone.” Katya said, pointing to the phone on the bedside table.

“Ok.” She nodded, picking up the items and sliding down onto the bed as Katya pulled open the wardrobe.

“Ok. Great.” Katya nodded, pulling dresses out of the wardrobe two at a time. She turned, arms full to see a thoughtful look on Trixie’s face as she stared down at the paper in front of her. She dropped the dresses on the bed and came to Trixie’s side. “Are you okay?” She asked gently as she noticed the sad look in Trixie’s eyes.

“Sorry.” She replied quickly, looking up from the paper. “I was never good at breaking up with people.” She confessed, with a small smile. “I don’t really know where to start.”

“Trixie, you’re sure about this?”

“It feels right in my gut.” Trixie smiled, taking Katya hand in her own. “Does it feel right in yours?” She asked, a laugh in her voice to hide the nerves she felt at the question. The Russian paused for a second then grinned.

“Yeah. It does.”