#and I didn’t even know I’d told them
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not to be overflowing with love, but I mentioned offhand to my friends once that flashing lights give me a really bad headache and now when we go into places they’ll just sit down and say ‘I’ll face this direction because there’s a light over there that you won’t like’ and actually you are seen, you are loved, and friends really do make it all worth it
#and they’re right#there is a light over there that I won’t like#and I didn’t even know I’d told them#isn’t that love?#I love my friends#personal#friendship#good things#text post
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Batman has/had some kind of miscommunication going on with every single one of his kids. The bat family is just one big miscommunication trope after the other.
#him and Dick have miscommunication about how they see each other. Bruce sees Dick as a son and Dick sees Bruce as a father#but they didn’t think the other saw them that way so they never told each other. that’s what led to their fights in Dick’s later teenage#years and dick quitting and becoming nightwing. he thought Bruce only saw him as a ward/robin so he thought that as long as he couldn’t be#robin Bruce wouldn’t want him#and if didn’t help when Bruce stopped talking to him when he left. though to Bruce it was because he thought Dick didn’t want to talk to him#and also Dick really needs to tell Bruce like ‘hey you put me on a higher pedestal then you put even yourself which is saying something and#and I don’t like that cuz that’s too much pressure for me. and also since you did it everyone else does it and has done it since I was Robin#and it’s literally just a matter of time before I break from the pressure cuz I’m not fucking Superman and I can’t take it’#and Jason with the whole UTRH thing. you know all Bruce had to say was that he had tried killing the joker over Jason multiple times and#maybe just explain to Jason WHY he doesn’t kill. a simple ‘you’re better than me because if I killed one person I’d kill everyone’#or it could even just be a simple ‘I do love you Jason youre the kid that I felt most comfortable loving’#and also maybe a ‘I don’t think anything changed after my death and that makes my death meaningless which I think goes against your no kill#rule because I hat is the rule of not a reminder taht death means something. and by that logic my death already went against the rule so why#can’t you do it again for the man that murdered me.’ and Bruce needs to make a presentation: ‘all the ways Jason’s death meant something’#and Tim just needs a simple ‘I don’t see you as work I see you as family.’ maybe even a ‘you don’t have to be the grown up in this relati#anymore I’m sorry you were one to begin with. you should’ve always been the child’#now his miscommunication with Damian goes much deeper but I’m one hundred percent sure if they sit down and air out all of their feelings it#would help a lot but I have a feeling that won’t happen#a ‘I have trouble understanding you because both your trauma and compassion run deeper than mine and I also never had to grow up to be a#weapon’ from Bruce and a ‘I don’t understand your optimism and moral stubbornness and easness why is it so easy to be good for u?’#his miscommunication with Cass stems from two things a simple ‘why are you so afraid to show how deeply you love?’ from Cass maybe a#‘I’m jealous of you because you’re better than me not only in fighting but morally and emotionally’ from Bruce should fix it#and Steph— look I’m not even going to TRY to get into that that goes SO much deeer and wider than any one else’s miscommunication#but maybe a ‘you reminded me of Jason at a time where that wasn’t a good thing’ from Bruce should start things up#for Duke a ‘I can never truly understand what you’re going/have gone through and for that I’m sorry’ from Bruce should suffice#maybe also Bruce telling him that just because he sees Duke as a son doesn’t mean he’s trying any less to get Duke his parents back#oh and babs just needs to go up to him and say ‘I don’t like that what happened to me happened for your story and not mine and I don’t like#that you don’t let me make it into my story’ and then Bruce can follow up and say ‘I see so much of myself in you and it makes me worry and#also I can never look at you without feeling guilty cuz you’re right what happened to you happened for MY story so I’m at fault’#then the two can go back to being too much like each other and sitting at their respective computers
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I’ve been improving a lot mentally lately and today my wife (best friend who I’ve lived with for 7 years) told me she’s divorcing me (moving to a city we both swore we’d never live in) and she’s taking the kids (our dog) and this is just further proof that god will never allow me to be happy or hopeful
#i know I sound dramatic but it feels like a divorce#my entire life revolves around her#she’s my soulmate and I’ve known her for a million lifetimes#I spend all day anticipating her coming home from work so we can spend time together#I schedule nothing on the weekends because weekends are for being with her#she’s come to every family gathering I’ve gone to for at least the last five years#she’s my entire fucking life and she’s leaving me#I’m gonna have to leave our apartment that we’ve been in for 3 years#I don’t even know how to make other friends because we’ve never needed anyone besides each other#and maybe we’re codependent and rely on each other too much but it’s never bothered us#and I always swore I’d follow her anywhere but she knows I can’t go where she’s going this time#I’m still so sick that I need my family nearby to help me so I can’t leave them#and my doctors are all here and I’ve spent years finding doctors I actually like#and I HATE where she’s moving#we lived there together for a summer and it was awful and she swore that we’d never go back there#and when she told me she’s leaving she didn’t bother asking me to come bc she knows I can’t#and I’m so fucking mad at her#I don’t know who I am without her and I feel like chunks of me are being carved out of my chest
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Also the pizza place (owned by Italians) gave me a free pizza :3
#my relatives who have lived here all their lives were a bit jealous because they never do that to them#and I didn’t even throw any word in Italian or anything I don’t know what happened#I didn’t dare to speak italian this time I felt stupid to just throw that there#maybe next time I’ll have the courage#also a PTN song was playing!!!#it’s the first time I hear one of their songs in France (except played by me ofc)#the first time I went there my aunt told them I was going to Naples and insisted on telling them about the concert as well#so I was embarrassed (stayed in the car that time though so they don’t really know it was me)#anyway if it wasn’t for the driving there myself I’d go there more often they’re really nice
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I actually for real like being single right now. I used to want what my sister has (met the love of her life at 15, no drama, great person), but the closer I get to moving and the more I start deciding what my life is going to look like in a new city it’s like. Thank god I get to build a life centered around my needs my desires and I’m surrounded by people who support that. Not that I’d get into a relationship where I had to stifle myself or my desires, but a partnership would be a different experience even if it was a great one. It’s fun to be 22 and have every possibility wide open. I wouldn’t want my life any other way than it is right now
#I get frustrated with my family because they sometimes gloss over the details of my life but it’s mostly rooted in them assuming#that my life comes naturally to me and I was always going to end up here#I appreciate how much faith they have in me even though sometimes I would like them to be a little more in tune with how#big my workload is and the amount of personal responsibility there is#like they always assumed I’d go off and do experiments for a job so they weren’t surprised when my research worked#meanwhile I was tearing up in the lab because seeing 1000 hours of work that you didn’t know would be correct come to fruition in front#of u is a crazy feeling#theres a disconnect there but never have they wanted me to take a different path or been anything but certain this is where I should be#I would literally be devastated if any of them told me to change my life
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#…#when i was taking an order for work they stacked the boxes wrong & one opened & spilled spaghetti in the bag#kinda the usual ‘someone get me a cigarette it’s a long day’ stuff#so they got me a replacement but for the wait they got me two replacement spaghettis#& i had noticed a homeless man outside the restaurant earlier & instead of keeping the extra spaghetti for myself—#(the customer didn’t have to know there was an extra I do that stuff all the time whoops :/)#i gave it to the man#& i don’t mean to make this post about ‘oh look at me i’m a great person’ bc i’m mid but like.#he looked so surprised that i even talked to him & was grateful for the food#growing up my parents told me to avoid homeless people & don’t look at them bc they could be dangerous and/or ‘faking homelessness’#(nothing against my parents i love them that’s just what they told me)#& i don’t know if that man was ‘faking’ it or anything—I just felt bad especially bc the weather isn’t great rn#& i know my parents would be upset if i told them bc i potentially put myself in danger or whatever but i thought I’d say something here#bc this blog is like a diary for me#that’s all#rose.txt
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They should invent medications that don’t make me believe my friends would be happy if I died as a side effect
#so far I don’t even know if these are going to help me with my physical pain#nor can I be sure that the emotional side effects will stabilize#but within an hour of taking my meds I’m convinced my friends would have better lives if they never met me or if I just ended it all#the secret third thing it makes me think is that I don’t mean enough to anyone for them to care that I’m in their life to begin and#to begin with and*#subsequently don’t care whether I’m dead or not#so I would simply like medications to not do this to me#because it makes me have a terrible night with terrible dreams and then my day starts terribly because of it#and I have to hope that I can turn my mood around at some point or else I’m just depressed all day too#I told myself I’d stop making vent posts after I was getting dangerously close to talking about certain things but I’ve come to terms#with how I can’t tell anyone for a myriad of reasons. not sure I’ll ever even tell my therapist. but regardless I’m not worried about that#now. so at the moment it’s literally just me needing to vent that these medications make me want to fucking die because I believe people#are either better off without me or that I’m meaningless enough for nobody to care to begin with#like the other day I literally dreamt that I got shot and was bleeding out but my friend didn’t give a shit#which is entirely unlike him he’s a good person even if I’m worthless he’d care that someone is like. dying.#ugh and even this! I genuinely believe I’m worthless rn#all sorts of stupid shit that I’ve mainly gotten through except at my worst times#has come back to just being a daily thing#and I don’t want to talk about it because it makes me feel pathetic and like a burden#and if I talked about these feelings to andrei it’d scare him so much that my guilt just won’t allow it#<- for the record if you know him please don’t tell him all of this he already knows and also even though I want to kms I won’t#it’s just that I can’t like.. get help for it as often as I feel it because nobody in the world is equipped to hearing the person they love#say they think the world would be better if they were dead literally every night because that’s how often I feel it#the funny part for me is literally nobody irl is aware of how bad this is because I’m 1) good at acting 2) don’t want to scare my mom or#brother because they already had to deal with years of me actively being suicidal 🤪#if you managed to read all of this you’re a fucking saint and I don’t deserve you in my life even if you’re just a follower who’s never#interacted with me before. I still appreciate you#delete later
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💭
#this girl I was close friends/roommates with during my last year of college just got engaged with her bf of 8 years#while I am happy for both of them… idk I have difficult feelings about her now and don’t see her as a friend anymore#she used to live in the same city as me during the first like year and a half or so of the pandemic#and in that time we got to see/hang out with each other twice#first time we got to catch up for a few hours and we had a good time but it was kinda bittersweet… idk how to describe it#the second time she asked me last minute to accompany her to pick up stuff she got through Facebook marketplace#during one of those two times we hung out/she basically told me to my face that it would be the last time I’d see her#i understood initially cuz she was about to start teaching and she wanted to focus on her relationships with her bf and her family#but not long after she started teaching/she quickly started going out a lot and making new friends#then she moved to another town like 30 ish minutes away cuz her aunt kicked her out in the middle of her first year of teaching#idk I never had a good feeling about things cuz of all of that stuff I stated above#but also since she’s been trying on working to improve her relationship with her mom after everything she’s done to her#cuz we both have shitty moms who’ve said and done shitty things to us and our families#i know it probably won’t happen or won’t happen for like a few years#but in the event she invites me to her wedding/ I’m gonna be deadass with her about how I’ve felt about her#and see if she’s willing to work on improving our friendship before I decide to attend (if she does invite me cuz idk)#oh I also forgot how after she moved after her aunt kicked her out#she had the nerve to randomly ask if I could watch her aunt’s dogs during the week I was starting 3 online summer classes#she didn’t even like say hi/make small talk or ask nicely either#she just straight up was like ‘hey can you watch my aunt’s dogs during (x) week?’#she recently congratulated me when I posted on my Instagram story that I passed my driving text and got me license but I didn’t respond#I just have a lot of difficult feelings about her now/wish I could unfollow her but I don’t wanna start shit & her be all in my face & shit#jazz uses curse! 💜
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Say what you will about mpreg joker but I’m choosing to take it as trans joker confirmation. I don’t care you can’t take this from me
#trans representation#we love to see it DC#like yes it’s funny but mainly because DC did this like I didn’t even know they knew what mpreg was#who told them#I’d like to thank you for brightening up my Sunday before finals week#it’s what I needed
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My wild trans man story of the day is that younger people always seem shocked that I’m trans and yet old people misgender me all the time. Ah the duality of being masc enough for people your age but too feminine for old people pfffff
#ooc#out of quizzy#even yesterday there’s a regular whos a trans woman who was there and I was joking about military calls#and I was like my friend just told me to tell them I’m trans and I’d never call again lmao#and she was like omg got a second there I thought you were saying you’re trans and I was like I AM LMAO#and she was : O you trans men are so sneaky#qeueu the host who also didn’t know this information and was like wAIT#and yet old people think I’m a woman 😂
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#i deserved it then and i’d deserve it now#feeling good still. i’m just being introspective#i deserved worse actually. a punishment for not knowing what i was getting myself into. and not saying anything to stop it. whatever#the age i was seems more and more shockingly and appallingly young every time i think about it. i didn’t know. but i should’ve#‘appallingly young’ that’s so dramatic. i was just young#and things had happened long before that. i just never had a name for a face#it’s not….. it’s something that happened but they didn’t make it happen. i don’t know. lines……#i wish i could stop thinking about it. i don’t want to work out what it was any more.#i’m tired. it didn’t matter anyway#it’s been years. i was just young that’s all. and your first experience informs so much#if it hadn’t been the first i’d have fixed it in my mind by now. i made it all up inside my head anyhow. even i don’t believe it anymore#and i think that’s part of why i’m so obsessed with being private. i always have been but— they were the last person i told something#[—] related. and then they gave me the real deal. i’m being facetious. but….. it’s funny. because i’d have to tell someone else the [—] that#happened with them. and i saw what happened last time. so it’s best never to tell anyone anything ever again#we were kids. it wasn’t anybody’s fault. it’s on me for getting in such a fuss about nothing. so you didn’t say stop so what#‘you’ being me. i didn’t say anything. still like a dead bird. dead faun. very silly#perhaps it’s best if i take it to the grave with everything else. if you tell someone else they can forge a weapon from it and get you where#you’re vulnerable. hare-cunning#i deserved it. essentially. and sometimes i think my ‘no’ should be confiscated because i didn’t use it when it counted#and i don’t know. maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be like
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#incredibly pissed off that when I was brave enough to come out as bi to the majority of people ik I had such an unsupportive partner#it was a really scary time for me and he didn’t even ask if i was doing okay#the first thing he said was tell me that his ex gf who he was still friends with said I was doing it to let other girls know I was avaible#and she told him to break up with me#and he STAYED FRIENDS WITH HER#and told me how much pressure was being put on him by other people#I’m sorry but if I was dating someone who came out I’d publicly be so excited for them and not make it all about me and other people#and I would never get tired of defending them or question their loyalty for it#and I would go to pride with them#but anyway
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How to stop feeling like an awful person after accidentally crossing someone’s boundary even though you talked to them about it and apologized and know you won’t do it again and they understood it was an accident and it’s fine and you two are still on good terms
#god I just#Ughhghhg#I can’t stop THINKING about it it wasn’t even that bad they said i was doing a bit and it was getting annoying#and I said i was sorry like multiple times and I said I won’t do that but again and they were like ‘no you can! it just got a little annoyi#ng it’s fine!’ and I still feel like a terrible person#I think I’m tired that’s gotta be it#or I’m mentally going through what I went through with my old friends and how I got mad at them and lashed out when I shouldn’t have and#refused to apologize and got into a big argument and then had one conversation about it and got mad again and then lashed out AGAIN and then#texted that I didn’t want to be friends any more and then I cried for weeks and every time I’d see one of them I’d want to throw up and I wa#s constantly miserable I didn’t want to go to school and I did everything that I could ok the comic because it was a fun distraction but it#also made me sad because I wanted to finish it and show it to them but they weren’t ever actually interested in it and I never got to show#them and I even made two characters in it based on two of my best friends in that group at the time and now I don’t know if I should delete#them entirely or keep it or change the characters???????? I don’t know#fuck#oh yeah one of those best friends basically took the plot of HBD and changed it a little and is gonna make a fucking short film with it#it’s a stupid fucking plot too it’s one of those like coming of age stories where the main character wears a ghost sheet and it’s actually a#metaphore for being socially anxious because he has a bad home life but then! then he’s walking to class and someone steps on the sheet and#it comes off! and they become best friends and they work through their problems!#Jesus fucking Christ I can’t believe her#I told her it was similar and that she should change it but we were gonna discuss that the week I texted I wasn’t coming back so#If she makes it I’m gonna sue her I don’t fucking care I told her I fucking told her and later that fucking day she ‘came up with it on her#own’ fucking Christ man get a life#I need to stop typing and go to sleep idk why I did that#sorry for the rant!
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actually a walk can’t fix me
#just got attacked#dad walked in and asked what i was doing (my back wasn’t feeling well so i was laying face down and told him i was waiting for my laundry#to finish drying so i can go get it and then he switched and started yelling at me about some random ass shit so i just said ok u can leave#now that u said what u wanted to say and he was like I’m Not Leaving blah blah and i was like ok well i don’t want to hear u yelling like u#can leave… and normally when he yells i just don’t answer back bc then they get mad i’m talking back but today i rly am just sick of it#all so i tried to explain myself and he just said stop w the excuses blah blah IDC stop using ur sickness as an excuse#like K :)#was so close to telling him i’d k*ms soon so he didn’t have to deal w me but i know that would send his rage even more#anyway what’s parents deal w wanting to be in ur room all the time?? like how exactly does that bother u….. i could b out all day and you’d#hate that too so what exactly… do they want frm me….#anyway x2…. yea…. i’m just not going to speak for the rest of the day and avoid them all as much as i can for idk.. the rest of the week#i rly wish i’d just be brave enough to end it but well.#p
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