#and I don’t feel like moving the images to my Mac so be patient

[solokabuto]

[barzzal]

between halls and thin walls → part three

summary: friends who fool around almost never work. almost.

↳ pairing: mathew barzal x you

↳ warnings: fingering, fem and male receiving, mentions of pornography, sexual/suggestive themes, swearing, mat not knowing how to eat pussy, anddd too much sneaking around i’m hating myself for it

↳ genre: fluff, angst, smut, roommates au, best friend’s best friend, friends with benefits, 18+

↳ length: series; part one, part two, part three (8.6k), part four, part five, part six

↳ masterlist: the barn

↳ track: god is fair, sexy nasty, cinderella, planet god damn by mac miller

note: so sorry for the wait! have been a lot busier with uni :(( took weeks for me to finally sit down and write on my laptop to finish this aaaah anw here’s the update and i’m making it up to yall i hope you like!! happy reading babies <3

“Wait–” you break off, your fingers already weaving through his ever so gorgeous hair. 

“What about Tito?” you fret.

You’re sure there was at least a hint of annoyance in his voice. Possibly irked that you had to ruin the one thing you both have been craving for for weeks.

“He won’t come home, trust me.” he says, lips already making its way back to touch your skin, nestling on your jawline, before trailing down to the intricate line of your neck, his movement hasty with a sense of hunger and urgency. 

You didn’t mind. It felt good. 

“Okay– no. Let’s stop this for a sec.” you try to snap out of it, pushing him away but just enough to keep him within arms reach. You rest both your hands on his broad shoulders whilst he rests his on your hips, just a few inches above your ass. 

“We need to clear things out.” you start, eyes lingering on his irises, making you wet your lips at the sight. 

“Didn’t we clear things out thrice now?” he quirks his brows, “And it kinda looks like we’re about to clear the same thing for the fourth time. What’s not clear about it?” Mat kids, half laughing as he lets you punch him playfully, “I’m not kidding, Barz.” you say, clearing your throat. 

You didn’t mind for any of his double entendres but you did mind the fact that whatever’s about to happen tonight is bound to tip the scales of whatever it was that you were having with Mathew.

“Fine. Let’s talk,” he agrees. He walks towards the bed just as he began pulling his shirt off over his head to undress himself.

“Mathew!” you call him yet again, earning yourself a defensive shrug from him, “What? We’re gonna have sex either way might as well talk while we’re at it, right?” he counters, “Now, take your clothes off.”

Regardless of being annoyed at him for acting like an unreasonable child engaging in too much banter, you let out a laugh in disbelief, letting Mathew’s quirks have a hold on you. You roll your eyes out but do as you’re told and begin taking your shirt off which you then throw his way. 

Mat whistles, a smirk sprouting off his lips, evidently in awe of how good you looked half-naked, “Wow.”

You cock up a smirk and shrug to play it off, “Well, you’re not so bad yourself.” you turn the compliment back which Mat only reciprocated with a taunting wink, brushing his shoulder briefly like an idiot.

“So. How do you want to play this?” you inquire.

“Naked, I hope.” he laughs, putting his sweats off revealing nothing but his boxers on. When he sees you roll your eyes, yet again, almost wondering if you’re going to bawl it out at any moment, Mat clears his throat and decides to dial down his terrible jokes. 

“Fine. Let’s just say we’re doing ‘Friends with Benefits’ or, you know, what was that movie again?” he thinks for a second, snapping his fingers as he gathers a few romantic comedies he’s seen in the past. “No Strings Attached! The one with Natalie Portman! Yeah, that’s the one.” he marvels.

You look at him quite stunned that he’s familiar with these movies. “Wow. I thought you guys are just into full-on pornography and sports.” 

“Hey!” he retorts, defending himself at once, “I’m speaking your language, dumbass. And for the record, I don’t like porn.” with that, you let out a loud laugh accompanied by a scoff, obviously not buying any of his lies. To which Mat jumps to defend himself the moment he sees the mocking look in your eyes, “What?? Not all men likes pornography, y/n.”

With both hands on your hips, you arch your brow at him and reply with a revolting grin, “First rule, no lying. I wasn’t born last night, Barzal.”

“Fine. I don’t like it like it.” he points out just as he averts your gaze, “But I’m certainly not against it. Those girls need to make a living, y/n.” 

You meet his cocky remark with an exasperated sigh, “You’re such a pig.” 

Mat answers with a shrug, letting your judgmental glares slide, “Call me names, I don’t care. You’re the one sleeping with a pig.”

And as if it had been expected all along, it didn’t take long for the both of you to end up in bed, wearing nothing but your skin, breathing in each other’s breaths, gasping as you let yourselves let loose with the company of a friend.

Mathew marvels at the sight of your heaving chest whilst his head was wedged in between your thighs, going on endless circles as he nibbles on your clit, perhaps trying a little too hard to make you meet your high. 

What the fuck is he doing? is probably what every girl has asked herself when a man goes down on her thinking that he already got her all figured out. 

Mathew knew what he was doing to be fair. He was there. For the most part. His fingers were nothing but magic but his mouth was a different subject. It was almost as if he was overachieving something. Kind of like the way he does during plays that would eventually cause them the game. 

He’s in his head a little too much. That’s for sure. You didn’t want to ruin the moment so you decide to let it slide and put on your best suit. After all, it wasn’t the first time you had to fake your sexual orgasms. You weren’t entirely surprised though. Half of the men you’ve gone out with didn’t know shit about eating pussy. And Mat was pretty, at least he had that going on for him.

You bit your lower lip, trying to suppress the fact that you weren’t enjoying it. Mat was doing all sorts of things at once and it was all too much. Too much that you’d rather finish the job yourself than have someone licking your region like a fucking chew toy.

As much as you didn’t want to, you arch your back and let out a fake moan, curling your fingers on the sheets, the other tugging on Mat’s hair, staging the perfect scene Mat had wanted to see. He emerges from below and hovers on top of you with a proud grin on his face, oblivious of the dramatic pin you’ve successfully put into the night. 

“And that, my friend,” he smirks, “is how you do it.”

Oh, believe me, it is not. You try to smile, “Hm. It’s that easy, huh?” 

“Well, yeah. Think of it like a scrimmage.” he says as he starts to pepper kisses on your cheeks, his hands roaming around your body, compensating for what his mouth missed. “Or a shootout even.”

“I’m thinking no.” you deny, “Rule two, if talking hockey is your definition of dirty talk, you better zip it.” you stress out as you prop your leg around his waist in order for you to move on top of him. 

Mat chuckles, trying to mask how much he longed to feel your mouth envelop his member. There hasn’t been a day where the image of you sucking his length didn’t enter his mind. It didn’t matter where he was. Whether he was in the shower, on the road with the boys, leaving for practice, or just tying his skates. He wanted nothing more than to look down at you as your little tears revolt to escape your doe eyes whilst you take him whole. Indeed, it was a sight for Mathew. And god knows how much he’s willing to give just to see it again. 

You spit just as you kiss the tip of his shaft, stroking his length in a circular motion to spread your saliva on his cock before you proceed on pressing gentle kisses on his head; edging him for not letting you cum— unconsciously wanting him to know how to give a goddamn head the right way. 

You patiently went your way as you began taking him in your mouth, inching down his thickness without breaking off of his dark and lustful gaze. Mat rests his head on the headboard, his breathing growing heavy and hoarse whilst he watches his dick be consumed by your hollowing cheeks, sucking the life out of him. 

“Fuck. You’re so good.” he groans, pulling your hair with his free hand before guiding you further down his dick. “Yeah, that’s it.”

Flattered by his praises which you find undeniably hot, you pop him out of your mouth, letting all your spit drip onto it just before gathering it back once you start licking him underneath, sucking on his balls as your tongue goes on little circles, playing with it for a while before letting it go with a loud pop. 

You watch Mat lose his mind with every movement you make but you know full well not to let him come in your mouth. It’s bad enough you didn’t get to come the first time he tried tonight. You won’t have yourself seeing the light of day high and dry while Mat gets to doze off the second you leave for his door. 

You climb on top of him. Mat was rather quick to let his hands find its way to your hips, your pussy sitting on his flat stomach just enough to let him know how wet you still are for him in spite of not getting the fun you’ve wanted for your own. 

“Where’s the rubber?” you ask him. Mat props himself quickly and carefully shifts towards his bedside table. You feel him on your back, poking on your skin whilst he pulls out one of the drawers. He fishes a wrapped condom straight from the box which he then swiftly opens with his teeth, motioning for you to get off of him first so he could get settled. 

“Ready?” you ask him, “Ready.” 

Mat rolls over and secures you in between his hands resting on both sides of your head. You feel his head poking against your abdomen as he finally takes his shaft to rub it in between you far too moistened slit just before he takes the plunge and dive deep.

“So,” you struggle to find the words as Mat finally starts making up for his loss a while ago. Your fingers envelop his nape, digging on his skin as you let himself adjust inside you. Stretching you whole with barely half his dick pushing through you.  Thank god this was one of the many things Mat definitely did not suck at. 

“Wanna walk me through this whole set up?” 

Mathew groans, his chest hard against yours as he pumps inside you at a steady pace; one that was pleasurably slow. One that had you closing your eyes whilst you let your head sink into his pillows. 

Despite working his way on tending to too many things at once, with his thumb brushing on one of your nipples, his lips attached to your earlobes, and his free hand secured on your hips, Mat whispers in your ear. “It’s like what we’ve agreed on that night.” he breathes heavily, his mind trailing off to that night momentarily before he speaks again, “We’re friends.”

“And?” you whine as you feel his wet lips brush briefly on your sensitive skin just enough to send chills up your spine, making you crave more of his touch; a grave wanting kindling inside your gut like fire.

“Friends…” he repeats in between kisses, “who likes to do this.” his lips travel from the corner of your lips and onto your jaw line. He then lets himself pull away just so he could look you in the eye, all whilst maintaining both your bodies moving in sync as you follow his lead. 

“You do know that things like this almost never work, right?” you honestly say, telling him the very same thing you’ve told him when you first crossed the line and threw everything you’ve progressively built with him throughout the years of being Anthony’s best friends. 

“Almost is good enough for me.” he counters with a husky voice, feeling constrained by how tight your pussy was around him. It had been a while and Mat was going insane just by thinking about how your cunt was made exactly for him. It was absurd for him to think such a thing but he would not deny the sensation coursing through his veins as if sex had become something entirely new to him. That you have miraculously been able to paint something far better than what he’s already gotten used to for who knows how long; luring him into the worst kind of addiction he could get himself into.  And although Mathew wanted to hate himself that it had to happen with you, he knew he couldn’t. 

“Let’s not have secrets,” he suggests. You raise both your brows, quite intrigued that he requested such a thing. “We’re not that close to have secrets, Barzal.” you remind him. 

“Exactly!” he cheers, voice briefly rising as you let out a moan escape when he pushes himself deeper through your heated walls. Mat hurriedly locks your mouth with his, swallowing all your moans before continuing with his case. 

“That’s the point. We’re not that close so we shouldn’t be keeping anything from each other. You tell me everything. Good or bad, and I’ll do the same.” 

You shoot him a questioning look, pushing him briefly so you could position yourself on top of him. Your action was very much well-received on Mathew’s end and it’s amazing how he’s able to lift you close to his torso before the two of you roll over the switch-game without letting his dick slip out of you. 

“Are you saying we’re going to be in a relationship? You’re way over your head, mister.” you laugh because it was exactly what it sounded. At least for you.

Mat rolls his eyes as he takes a pillow to support his back. His hands then roamed from your thighs before settling to cage your hips to lock it with his, “First of all, bold of you to assume that’s ever gonna happen.” 

You scoff.

“Second, it’s more of a mutual agreement and definitely less than a relationship.” he points out to reiterate that having said ‘relationship’ with you was the last thing he wanted. 

Your hands take rest atop his chest as you start working on rocking your hips at a gentle pace; the kind that had Mathew at a loss for words for a moment, his body taking over his mind as your physique towers all over him. Mathew meets you halfway while you do most of the work. He angles himself forward so as to reach for your tits, his mouth latching on one of your buds, thirsty like a newborn child. Your fingers find their way to his tousled hair, its disheveled state unbelievably making him much more difficult to resist. 

The two of you worked each of your own highs whilst you rock each other’s bodies. Exchanging moans and groans thrown carelessly throughout the room. You were all over Mathew as much as he was with you. His strong and capable hands that moved so well on your body, made you crave for more. Mathew took control of the pace now, his arms embracing your waist closer to his body that no amount of spatial space could ever be perceived by either of you.

“Come for me.” Mat orders, voice almost inaudible as he was chasing his own, the moment he feels you throb rapidly around him, fluttering like butterflies while he watches you shut your eyes. Just like that, you finally reach the ecstasy you’ve been longing for the whole night; one that was specifically shut down by Mathew’s stale mouth.

You let Mat take over. He orders you to turn your back against him before he pulls you rapidly close to his front, your ass perked up close to his skin. His mouth leaves fashioned bites on your neck whilst he held you firmly by your forearm. Mathew begins pounding on you hard from behind, his sharp and abrupt movements painting bruises you know will show up the next morning. 

You were all over the place and you didn’t care. It was messy, it was loud. The sound Mathew’s lips leave on your skin, his balls banging against your pussy, your moans— his groans. Everything was off the record book but neither of you wanted to stop. 

With one final thrust, you feel his body grow all the more rigid behind you. Mathew’s hand was wrapped firmly around your neck whilst he caught his breath. 

“You good back there, bud?” you ask, chuckling. 

“Oh, shut up.” he says, finally letting you go. 

The two of you gather yourselves. Mat discards the wrapper and offers to clean up after the mess he’d made but you profusely decline. 

“I’m not your girlfriend. You don’t have to take care of me.” you tell him with a strong suit as you begin picking up your clothes. 

“I know–” he cuts himself off when he sees you getting into your pants, “Where are you going?” he questions. 

“Rule four. No staying the night.” you point out, grabbing your sweatshirt from the floor. “You come to my room, I come to yours, but that’s that. No more, no less.” you add. 

Mathew looks stunned. Obviously on board with how well you were taking things so easily. 

“Alright then, buddy.” he strides his way towards his bed still naked. 

“We don’t speak about any of this in the morning.” you warn him for you know how the three of you tend to leave the house almost at the same exact time as each other. Meaning that this new setup of yours is bound to be much difficult if you let anything slip off your hold. 

Mathew runs his fingers on his lips as if to zip it before he jumps on the bed, already reaching for his phone that was on his bedside table so he could check the gram.

You were just on your way out of his door when he called you one last time, a teasing smile creeping on his lips, “What’s rule five?”

“No funny business.” you say at once. You look at him one last time with your own teasing smile to mock him from across the room, “No strings attached.” you say, repeating how he used the movie as a reference from a while back before finally disappearing into the hall. 

𖥸

Who would have known agreeing to such a set up would mean getting laid almost every chance you get?

It had been a few weeks since you and Mat committed to your foolish escapades after sorting out your mutual agreement. Said escapades involve a handful of times of you driving over to the Coli to pick him up right after his morning skate and get off the back of your car. It wasn’t that big of a deal being that Mathew usually rides with Anthony for work. Of course, there were also times where you would call him into your office just to grab a quick lunch. On those times you always make sure to leave out at least half an hour or so before going home to avoid unnecessary suspicions from Tito and you and Mathew have been mindful so as not to let him notice anything. 

Mat had mentioned how he was already looking for a place nearer to yours and Tito’s but farther than his previous complex. The place was half an hour less than the travelling time Tito had to drive to from when they used to ride together going home. And now that you were officially friends and more than just acquaintances, Mat has asked you to come and see the place with him. 

You took a lift on your way to Mat’s and let’s just say, that for a man with a whopping 21M at his disposal, the building was grand but it wasn’t as boujee as you’ve expected. It might’ve been your lack of a better judgement but Mathew just didn’t seem to be the kind of guy who would be smart when it comes to his finances. You’ve always thought that he was the kind to splurge on things whenever he gets the chance. Although much to your surprise, just like everyone else, he was a simple man. 

You knock on the door a few times before you hear the familiar footsteps nearing the front door. 

“Hey,”  a signature grin welcomes you. He opens the door wider and invites you in. “Took you long enough.”

“Well, I had better things to do, Barzal.” you retort as you start to scan the vicinity. 

The flat had floor to ceiling windows so the surroundings were well lit. You were making your way further when you noticed a few sealed boxes laying around what you assumed to be where the living space was going to be. 

“I thought you were just looking?” you ask, brows furrowed in confusion whilst you look back at him, pointing on the storages with your thumb. 

As expected, the entire apartment was painted in white and beige tones. Pretty much like every Islander’s home you’ve been to. It was quite spacious just like his former home. That being said, spacious doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good’ sometimes. For one thing, it didn’t feel home to you. It felt like a cage with huge-ass windows overlooking a scenery you can’t even lay your hand on. You keep your thoughts to yourself, not wanting to ruin Mat’s excitement for the place. Sure enough, it’ll all come together once he gets settled. 

Mat walks towards you, taking a deep breath. “I was. But the offer was really good so I figured signing the lease right away would be a smart move.” he explains. When he sees your gaze trail off onto the boxes again, Mat feels the need to reassure you that he wasn’t going to move out of your apartment just yet. 

“I won’t be moving in for another month or two, just to be clear. Those are just some stuff I didn’t want hogging all the space at home.” he says candidly pertaining to your apartment as his home, not even realizing the weight he had tied to his words. 

You were quick to dismiss your own unsolicited thoughts and carried on with the semi-tour Mat was starting to indulge you with. “Are you sure you’re gonna live here alone? Feels like a whole penthouse up here.” you honestly say, half-laughing as you make way towards the hallway. 

“Yeah. I mean, it would be great for when the team comes over.” he says as he follows your tracks. “The penthouse is actually two floors above mine though.”

You roll your eyes at his subtle remark, “Why’d you made me come here anyway?”

And as if Mat had remembered the task he originally had in mind, he walks right past you to lead the way. “I want your opinion on something.” 

“Really? What is it?” you inquire, following after his footsteps. Mat stops and opens a door leading to what you assume is the master bedroom. Situated at the center of the fairly spacious room is a california king sized bed, waiting patiently to be slept on. 

Mat looks back at you and says, “D’you think it’s any good?” 

He lets you roam around the place, setting yourself down on the foot of the bed. “Bed’s nice actually.” you tell him and you stand at once to look more of his semi-furnished room. 

“How nice is it exactly? Like, nice to sleep on or nice to not get any at all?” you turn around, rolling your eyes at his sleazy innuendos. “You’re such a tool. You really made me come all the way here to get me tied down this bed?” 

Mat only answers with a shrug. An adorable one to be exact. “What? That’s what friends are for, y/n. Now, come on. Test the bed with me.” he says, taking your hand at once before you could even answer. He lets himself fall onto the bed as he caught your weight in his arms, your bodies dangerously close to each other, feeling your own body temperatures. 

His hands roam around your clothed physique just as he starts to cage you in a well heated kiss. Your lips dance with his, letting his tongue slip whenever he gets the chance, nibbling on your tongue as the two of you enjoy exchanging your own take on what house warming gifts are supposed to look like. 

Mat’s hands were already gripping on the curve of your ass when the sound of your and Mathew’s kisses were stopped by a sudden knock on the door. Your hand immediately trailed down from Mat’s nape to his chest, “Are you expecting someone?”, he thinks for a second, both of his hands still secured on your bottoms.

“Oh!” he gasps upon remembering who could it possibly be, “It’s probably my realtor. He’s picking some stuff up, I’ll go get it.” he says, propping himself up as a cue for you to get off of him. 

“Would you mind getting the door? I’ll be quick, I promise.” he adds, looking back at you as he steps out of the room, heading for the other side of the hallway. He speaks in an apologetic tone, feeling sorry for having to cut off the purpose of your visit. So, in an effort to let him know he had nothing to worry about, you shake your head as you finish straightening the wrinkles off your work clothes. 

“No, it’s all right, I got it.” you give him a reassuring smile.

You gladly make your way towards the door, not even bothering to look through the hole. You hand enveloped the cold metal, swinging the door wide open, leaving yourself not a chance at escape as soon as your eyes landed on those all too familiar big blue ones you’ve known all your life.

“Y/N?” a puzzled expression was all you could make out of Tito’s face. You tried stumbling for a few words in the hopes of calming your already racing heart impending to escape your chest at any moment. 

“What are you doing here?” he asks in utmost bewilderment. You were still in shock being that you’ve never lied to Anthony before since he’s the only one you’ve told everything to most of the time. Having him here, clearly unexpected, has evidently thrown you off guard.

You maintain your gaze at him and throw the same question back, “What are you doing here?”

“Mat and I are going out with Mikey and Noah for drinks.” he answers quickly so he could throw the ball your way, “You didn’t answer me. I didn’t know you knew about this place already?” he furrows his brows, looking over your shoulder to get a glimpse of his best mate. 

“Uhm. Mat called me to discuss a few things. Showed me some stuff too.” you nervously say, tip toeing on the fact that what you just told him wasn’t entirely a lie. You open the door all the way and finally let him in. Your knuckles were wrapped hard around the cold metal knob, wishing that Mat would come out to the room to save your ass. 

You must have gotten on a wrong foot and told Tito a lie that’s bound to invite more suspecting queries.

“Really? What stuff?” 

His bed, where he was just about to defile me on. 

Thankfully, Mat walks out the open room holding an envelope in his hand, immediately halting his tracks the moment he sees Anthony looking straight at him. 

“Beau! What–” he tries to remain composed, but you know Tito would definitely pick up on something just by how pale Mat’s face was. Dead and cold like someone who had seen a ghost for the first time. 

“What— am I doing here?” Anthony finishes Mat’s question just as he turns his gaze back at you. You try to avert his gaze but you figured it’s best not to. You need to go before him strong and level headed. The last thing you and Mathew want is to get caught in the act by no other than the last person you want to know about it. 

“What?” He laughs, brushing Tito’s biting tone off. “I know why you’re here, silly.” he tries to search in his head momentarily, but when he takes long enough, Tito answers it for him. “Drinks, man. You texted me for drinks.”

“Oh– yeah, no. I knew that.” he breathes out an uneasy laugh. 

“Why is Y/N here? I didn’t know you guys hung out? The last time I checked you can’t even last in the same room without slashing each other’s throats.” he smirks.

Surprisingly, Mat was fast enough to come up with quite a clever way to sway Anthony from his inkling suspicions. One that made sense, but not necessarily helpful in your end. “Psh. That?” Mat throws a hand towards your way, dismissing your presence in his unfurnished apartment, “She told me she needs money so I hired her to move my boxes for me. She even insisted on listing all the stuff I’ll eventually get rid of online.” 

Anthony looks back at you, surprised that you didn’t go and asked for his help instead. “How much do you pay her?” he asks Mat again. 

“Uh, five… ten bucks?” Mat scratches the back of his head and your face immediately falls to your palm. 

“Ten?” he questions, glancing at you. “Don’t you have your own office and a secretary? What do you need the ten bucks for?” Tito’s tone was now getting more curious and Mat, just like he always was, was dumb enough to forget you were earning more than just ten bucks for a living. 

“Did I say ten? I meant fifty— per hour.” Mathew takes it back instantly, following it with a lie that involves you asking him for a job because your publisher ordered you to for a book she wants you to sign for. Not that any of it made sense but at least Anthony seemed to have bought it. When you agree, Mat immediately takes Anthony in his arms as he guides him out to the door, snatching his coat resting atop his kitchen island. 

Mat looks over to you once more, both of their bodies already at the other side of the door, “You did great today, y/n. I’ll write you a check in the morning!” he says pushing Tito, who was still asking questions, farther from the door. 

Before Mathew disappears, he looks at you with his big doe eyes already thanking you for going along such a stupid make-up excuse. You roll your eyes as you watch him mouth a quiet ‘Sorry’, flashing his ever so gorgeous smile before him and Tito finally went on their way.  

𖥸

You’ve gotten used to how lazy Mat and Tito are during their off days. They would rather stay at home and play endless video games with each other than spending it with something less dumb than their stupid Xbox. Luckily, today wasn’t like those days because you happened to have your free day as well. You all agreed to spend the evening binging the entire Fast and Furious franchise. 

The three of you were cramped on the cloud couch. To put it in simply, you were sandwiched between two huge hockey players. Your back was leaning on Tito’s strong shoulders as it was laying just above your head. The huge bowl of half-eaten popcorn safely sits in between your middle, hugged by your stomach and your curled up legs, your sock-covered feet brushing against Mat’s thighs innocently. Almost as innocent as how you ignore Mathew’s hands creeping underneath the thick wool covering your body. 

Alarmed at how dangerously close Mat’s creeping palm was to your inner thigh, you shot him a warning look which was, as expected, answered by a defensive, and seemingly harmless “What?” look on his face. You roll your eyes, cautious as to not make any sharp movements for the benefit of Tito. You shift your position, angling your body away from Mathew and towards the direction of the screen instead. You let your body sink in your best friend’s shoulder, clueless that your movement had just given Mat the exact opening he was hoping for. 

With wide eyes, you give Mat’s thigh a firm nudge as carefully as you can, “Are you being serious right now?” you mouthed. Mat stifles a smirk and moves his hand away, keeping it to himself. You try turning your attention back to the television but somehow, Mathew’s actions left your mind wondering what he was about to do next. 

Gently, you stir back to your original position, propping yourself from leaning against Tito. 

“Hey, could you please fill this up for me?” you ask him nicely. Thankfully, Anthony reaches out for the bowl without letting his eyes break off the screen. “Thanks, Beau.” you add the moment he starts walking towards the kitchen. 

“Why’d you stop?” you cautiously whisper, asking Mathew who was surprised by your sudden inquiry.

“I thought you didn’t want me to.” he answers on the same level of your tone, putting his hand back on your shin. The warmth of his palm sends a familiar sensation down your region.

Looking back at the archway leading to the kitchen, you quietly tell him, “I asked if you’re being serious. I never said no.” 

Your candidness was met by Mathew’s widening smile, incapable of stopping himself from biting his lower lip, finding your bluntness quite adorable. “Be quiet.” he mutters as he clears his throat, eyeing Tito who was just returning from the kitchen holding a bowl full of popcorn fresh from the microwave. 

“Thank you.” you say the moment Anthony hands you the bowl. You scootch over, making you a lot closer to Mat. Tito places his arm back over the couch, allowing extra space for you. Once you got yourself in a position comfortable enough to last for the remaining half of the movie, your mind flies away, briefly forgetting the exchange you and Mathew just had. 

It was not even a full minute when you feel Mat’s very much capable hand start creeping underneath the thick cloth again. You swallow a giant lump in your throat, your senses already heightened just by the mere contact of his rough and calloused hand on your skin. 

You were wearing a pair of sweat shorts, the kind that were loose enough to let Mat maneuver his way deeper down your thighs so effortlessly. You steal quick glances towards his way but to no avail, Mat’s eyes were nowhere else other than the screen. His fingers, however, told quite a different story. 

You did the exact thing as him and put your sole focus on the movie. The sound of Anthony’s breathing was a good reminder to not let anything slip off of you unconsciously, especially now that Mat’s long fingers were inching its way to the thin fabric covered by your night wear. 

Mat begins to brush his middle finger over your delicates. You bury a part of your face underneath the thick cloth whilst your eyes are still pinned on the screen. The scene where Dom goes rogue plays and the light of the television flashes before your eyes. 

You tried to listen to Tito when he tells you about that time you went to the movies to see the film, trying to space out from Mat’s finger drawing idle circles on the thin fabric of your underwear, easing you just right, evidently taking his time fondling in between your clothed lips.

When he feels your moistness on his skin, Mat sophisticatedly slides a finger in your underwear just so he could feel the wetness of your folds. 

You on the one hand, keep your face hidden under the only light flashing from the screen. You manage to choke down your whimpers and instead lean your force towards the bowl you’re holding. However, you fail to stifle a gasp when Mat slides a finger inside you, making you stir just enough to stop your sudden movement from being unnoticed by Beauvillier. 

“You okay?” he asks, a concerned tone embracing his voice. You meekly nod, saying that you were just too caught up watching the film. He then takes his attention back, pretty much like the grinning Mathew sitting on the other end. 

You shoot a knowing look when you meet Mat’s irises. He casually plays it off just as he remains busy on his own, his fingers curling inside you with ease, pumping in and out at a slow pace, not wanting to let any of his movements show on the surface of your blanket. As Mat continues pleasuring you, you gather all your strength to stay still and calm your breathing. To no prevail however, knowing how good of a fucker Mat was, you knew you won’t be able to hold it in longer than you’re supposed to. 

Your heart almost beats right out your chest when Anthony’s phone starts to ring. You prop yourself up, causing Mat’s finger to do just the same inside you. You shut your eyes at the feeling and chose to clear your throat. 

Anthony takes his phone and looks at the two of you, “I need to take this. Just watch the movie without me.” he says, already standing to head for the balcony at the other side of the room. You sigh in relief, letting yourself fall back on where Tito used to sit, allowing more space for Mat’s miraculous fingers. 

He adjusts his seat, cautiously looking back after Tito’s track just to make sure he was no longer near the two of you. He looks at you, attention faltering from the screen as he slides another finger inside you. 

“Don’t make a sound. Stay still.” he orders, pumping his way in just as he glides his thumb to massage your clit. Your hand takes rest on your forehead, your eyes closed at every pleasure thrown your way, almost forgetting that you were holding a bowl full of finger food on your stomach. Mat must’ve caught on and ensured no unnecessary noises would make Anthony come back just yet when he takes the bowl off your middle to set it down the coffee table. 

“Fucking hell, Mat.” you can’t help but moan, arching your back once you feel your arousal come close. 

“Do it, y/n. Come on my fingers.” he growls in a low register, moving his way into hitting the spot at just the right speed, not wanting to prolong your misery any longer. 

You reach for his hands, your grip on him tighter than ever. Mat feels you come around his finger, eyes pinned on your spent up state harder than it was when the two of you were still watching the movie. When he feels your pulsating core starts to die down, he slips his fingers out your slit, eventually taking it in his mouth to suck your far too addicting juices.

You fix yourself up, eyeing Tito who had just ended his call. Mat looks at you, quite proud of himself.

“At least your fingers make up for what that pretty mouth can’t.” you say with a taunting smirk before standing up to get yourself a glass of water just as Beau finally comes back from the balcony, leaving Mathew with his mouth slightly agape and without a doubt dumbfounded.

𖥸

It was an hour before midnight but the house was already asleep. The boys had to call the night early because of the morning practice they have first thing tomorrow. But you still had some energy left so you figured drawing yourself a calming bath would help soothe your mind and maybe even up the chances of having yourself a well-deserved good night’s sleep. 

Now that you’re feeling better and getting ready for bed, your bathrobe hugs your body whilst you finish off your night routine so you could finally dip into the comfort of your sheets, the cream white duvet calling onto you as you picture yourself dozing off for the night. 

The strides you were just making out of your bathroom were put into a stop by how your door sprung open wildly, revealing one troubled Mathew Barzal entering your room almost a little too carelessly. 

“What the hell did you mean my mouth can’t?!” he questions at once, hissing. When he realizes the sudden rise in his voice, (which has also startled you in the process), Mathew immediately looks back just to make sure that Anthony was in his room, or far enough to hear. He shuts the door behind him before he finally turns his attention back to you. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” you ask him, putting both your hands on your hips, your body covered by nothing else but a bathrobe. 

“The thing you said back in the living room, my mouth can’t what? What the hell did that suppose to mean??” Mat roars like a child’s impending tantrum was about to come. You avert his gaze for a moment, scratching your temple. You couldn’t believe something you’ve said stuck to him. Not that he’d ever do anything about it. Something you most absolutely doubt. 

“If you had to come here to ask me that, I’m pretty sure you already got what I meant.” you say, walking towards your bed as you get the bottle of your vanilla scented lotion from your bedside table. 

“But all those times it looked like you were having a good time?” he speaks, voice in a lower register as if he was talking to himself all along. 

“I was faking it Mat.” you finish off applying lotion on your legs, spreading the remaining on your hands. You met Mat’s gaze and saw that you might’ve tipped him off a little for there was a faint hurt in his eyes. 

“You were faking it?” he repeats in a quiet voice.

“You’re still good in bed, buddy.” you assure him with a smile yet to no prevail, Mat didn’t seem to buy any of what you said thinking that it was just a decent effort to save his ego already plummeting to the pit of his own embarrassment. 

“How many times have you been faking it?” he asks the moment he gathers his thoughts, his mind circling on the fact that all throughout this time he wasn’t able to get you off.

“You’ve only had the chance to do it twice. So… just those two.” you answer honestly. 

Mathew, who was utterly clueless to what was going on didn’t know how to react to such bluntness. He tried to mutter a few words but he was speechless. All this time, he thought he was good at something he obviously wasn’t. And being told something as morally immobilizing as that shocks him to his very core. The horror of all the girls he’s slept with, walking out of his apartment unsatisfied befalls on him. 

“You should’ve told me, otherwise this whole setup won’t make any sense, y/n. I thought you said we shouldn’t lie?” he questions, evidently disappointed in himself. 

“Look,” you stop, tapping on the side of the bed to have a proper conversation. When Mat finally sits beside you, you continue, “I didn’t think it mattered. And no offense but we both know you’re such a sore loser. I didn’t know how you would react. And I definitely didn’t want to deal with any of the messy stuff just to feed your ego.”

“For your information, I’m a thick faced motherfucker, you should’ve known that by now. This thing between us is going to be complicated if you’ll tiptoe your way around it just to spare my feelings.” he says with certainty, a definitive tone accentuated by how intense he was now looking at your face, still glowing from your night care routine. 

“Is there something I don’t do?” he adds, “Or is it something that I should stop doing?”

“Fine. If you really wanna talk about this I’ll tell you.” you angle yourself facing him and Mat does the same, “You’re not entirely bad. You do know your way around. It’s just that— you’re trying a little too hard and it gets really overwhelming at times. And mind you, it isn’t even the good kind,”

“Show me.” Mat cuts you before you could grab the chance to continue, stopping you mid sentence, causing you to stumble on a few words. “What?” 

“I won’t leave this room knowing I can’t get you off.” he says, and just like that, Mathew meets your lips with an all too hungry mouth eager to make you come for him even if it takes having to have endless runs at it. 

Your body achingly responds to every bit of Mathew’s kisses whilst you let him run the course. His touches are tantalizing, urging you to come near him. He takes you in his arms, one fondling on your robe to pull it free from your body, the other tugging lightly on your hair just as he begins to move his weight on top of you.

“Tell me what you want.” Mat breathes the moment he breaks away, his mouth now travelling down the skin where your shoulder meets your neck, leaving faint bites, nibbling on it just before he makes his way down to fondle on your breasts. 

You answer him with a muffled moan when he takes your lips yet again. Mat’s irises unwaveringly gazes on your buck nakedness, your scent just enough to take over his senses. You feel the roughness of his hands graze all over your skin. Pinching on one of your buds just before it travels down your thighs, staying out of the place where he knew you needed him most. You feel him in every inch of your skin but there.

But just as you want him more, Mat purposely leaves it out of his hold. You begin to realize how much you must’ve underestimated what this forward could do. His hands were everything and you couldn’t even put into words how much you need him down there. 

“Mat…” you call out his name, groaning. His featherlight touches flowed smoothly on your inner thigh, grazing just your lips but even that was more than enough to tell him how wet you already were for him. 

He begins to leave wet kisses in between your breasts down to your stomach. Kisses that eventually made their way to your thighs as he inched his way to your core, the sloppy noise he makes sounds so beautiful in your ears. You look down on Mat trying to compose yourself under all the breathing he’s subtly passing your middle. 

“What do you want?” Mat asks again, this time his doe eyes meeting yours, clouded with lust and desire. You buck your hips upward in an effort to meet his mouth but Mat was rather quick to put you back in your place when he cages your hips with his capable arm. 

“Use your words, y/n.” he orders, one that has effortlessly made you oblige. You wanted to feel him more than anything else and if that meant submitting to Mat this time, you know full well you’d gladly break before him. 

“I want you to get me off.” you surrender, signaling him to take the plunge. Once he did, you let out a whimper at his touch, almost forgetting that Mathew was probably doing this so he could eat out his future girl right.

“Don’t rush.” you breathed as you guided him, “Stay slow and steady.” 

Mathew’s eyes never left yours even when you had to look away when you let your head fall back on your sheets with how well he was moving with everything you say. 

“Mathew…” you moan, reaching for his hair to take him closer to your throbbing core, “Go on circles, please.” 

Mat was obedient and followed your every command. Unlike the times he’s spent trying to pleasure you with his mouth, tonight was a time where he actually listened and gave you exactly what you wanted, exactly how you want it.

Mat didn’t have to do anything else for when he started to slip into your cunt and fuck you with his tongue, you going insane was more than enough to let him know that he was doing it right. He watched you fall before him, your chest heaving, your breathing rapid as if there wasn’t enough air for you to breathe. He entwines both his fingers atop your abdomen, the sound of you calling his name like a prayer doing all kinds of wonders on his end. 

You meet his eyes yet again just to see that it never left. Mat looked at you darker than ever before and for once, you feel a firm tug in your stomach you just weren’t ready to acknowledge and care for. As he takes time with his final strokes, knowing that you were close, Mat pulls away, thinking about the one thing he knows will redeem himself. 

“Turn around.” he orders with a grim voice. You were in dire need of an orgasm to even care about how he’s the one ordering you. You gladly oblige to his every whim and turned to your belly, your ass perked up so perfectly for him.

He lets your robe fall just above your back, revealing more of your skin for him to enjoy. He takes no second to waste and kneels before your already swollen pussy. Needy and very much heated for him.

Mat’s hands spread your cheeks before he takes you in his mouth once again, letting himself drown in your juices glinting under his all too heavy gaze. 

“Oh, god.” you whine, feeling Mat’s grin behind you as you dig into your sheets while your legs begin to shake at your incoming orgasm. “Mat, please.” you call out in a whimper, pushing your ass back further his face. 

Mat gladly takes the challenge but maintains at the pace you wanted. As he feels your pussy flutter in his mouth, he deepens it into yours to finally pour you with nothing else but ecstasy and ecstasy alone.

His face was filled with nothing but your juices once he pulled away, leaving you breathless and still caught up on meeting your high. He stands, a hand gripping on one of your cheeks whilst he admires the art that is: your all too spent pussy.

“Next time you lie, you won’t get to fake it at all.” he warns with a firm yet definitive voice masked as a taunting remark. 

Mat looks at your still throbbing pussy, eyes lustful and dark. As much as he craved for the inkling fire resting in his loins, it was already past midnight and he had self-discipline stronger than anyone else’s. He couldn’t afford any more scolding from Anders the next morning. 

So, even when he wanted nothing but to fuck you right then and there, he lets his hand send a message he certainly wants you to remember instead. One that has left a faint yet stinging mark on your skin. Your legs were practically still wobbling when he finally leaves for the door, this time fueled with the purpose of being the one leaving you dumbfounded in your own post-orgasm shame.

Perhaps, even wanting and more.

[dingyuxi]

COMPREHENSIVE GIFFING TUTORIAL (vapoursynth + ps cc 2018) + some tips and tricks on color correction, blending and subtitles

You guys asked for it, so here we are! This is by no means the gold standard to giffing. Rather, this is simply my process and my own preferences. Take it as you will. Additionally since I use a mac some of my controls/panels may look different than what you would see for windows users.

DOWNLOADING YOUR SOURCE

This step is extremely important to the quality of your gifset. If you want high-quality gifs I would recommend giffing sources in 1080p whenever possible (especially if you’re going for larger dimensions). You may get away with 720p for smaller gifs. For kdramas, your go-to source would be dr*maday or torrents. (you can search my faq tag if you’d like to know specifics on finding and downloading torrents).

IMPORTING + PROCESSING YOUR FILES WITH VAPOURSYNTH (VS)

Please note that this tutorial does not cover basic installation and set-up of vs. If you would like to know how to download and set-up vapoursynth (it works for both mac and pc) along with some of it’s basics you can find more information at: https://hackmd.io/@nibreon/vapoursynth-book/%2F%40nibreon%2Fvapoursynth-book

Once you’ve identified what portion of your video you’d like to gif, simply drag your video file into VS. Specify the start time and duration of the clip you’d like to import. Typically you’ll be aiming for ~3-8 second clip depending on how big your gifs will be. I am very lazy when it comes to importing. The less of it I have to do, the better. Therefore, I often import clips that are 10-15 seconds long, sometimes even up to 20 seconds. I wouldn’t recommend going over 15 seconds most of the time though, because this will usually bring you over the 500 frames photoshop allows you to import at once. (when I do go over, I will sometimes import the processed VS file into PS in segments). You can also choose to import the VS output as segments if you want all your gifs on separate canvases. (I'll go into more detail on this later)

Once you’ve imported the clip into VS your screen should roughly look like this once the resizer pops up:

In the top left is where you will be applying your cropping, sharpening and denoising filters. Cropping: Keep in mind the Tumblr dimensions: 540px for full-width gifs and 268px for half size gifs, 177/178/177px for 3 gifs across. The height is completely up to your own preference. Usually I work in 540x300px. Once you edit those parameters you can drag/resize your video file to fit your new canvas. Sharpening + Denoising: You can choose to skip this if you would rather sharpen in ps. I personally do all my cropping, denoising and sharpening in vs. I use finesharp and KNML for sharpening and denoising respectively. Once you select those two filters from their drop down menus, be sure the select the checkbox as well. You should now notice 2 additional lines of code in the top right box. The line that reads: video = core.knlm.KNLMeansCL(video, 0, 6, 4, 1.2, channels="YUV") is where you will adjust your denoising parameters. You will only be adjusting those 4 numbers. I usually use: 0, 1, 0, 1.2. Now find the line that reads: video = hnw.FineSharp(video, sstr=0.22). These are your sharpening parameters. once again we’re only adjusting the number at the end. I typically use somewhere between 0.33-0.55. Depending on the quality of your source and preferences these parameters may change. 

Here is a breakdown of the KNML parameters (source: @/nibreon HackMD):

Once you have finalized your parameters, copy all the code in that top right box and paste it into your vapoursynth editor. Note: you can ‘inactivate’ certain lines of code by adding the # symbol at the start the line. That line of code will then be greyed-out. This is what your code should now look like (the highlighted section is the part I just copy and pasted):

If you would like to preview your filters and see if you need to make any adjustments, simply navigate to the top bar and select script > preview. If you like what you see, great! If not, you can adjust the parameters directly in the editor until you see a result you’re happy with. Once you’re happy you can move onto the final step in vs: processing. 

Processing: Once again, navigate to the top bar and select script > encode video. Another window should pop up. Make sure you set ‘header’ to ‘Y4M’ then click ‘start’. Patiently wait for that to finish processing. The longer your clip is and the more filters you add, the longer it will take. 

IMPORTING YOUR CLIP INTO PHOTOSHOP (PS)

Now you’re done with the vapoursynth section! Not too hard, right? I use the timeline method when I gif. To import your video file into ps navigate to file > import > video frames to layers. Here you can use the sliders to further specify what range you would like to import. Make sure the ‘make frame animation’ box is checked. To optimize smoothness of your gif, avoid checking the ‘limit to every _ frames’ box. Hit ‘OK’ and wait for the frames to import. Depending on the size of your clip, ps may notify you that you are importing a large file and it may take a long time to process, simply say ‘ok’ to this. UNLESS you get a message saying it will limit to 500 frames. This means your clips contained more than 500 frames and you should select a smaller section to avoid cutting out any critical parts. (Note: you can always go back and repeat this process to select a smaller range of frames from the same video clip until you’ve imported all the frames you need).

Timing: You can adjust the timing of your gifs before converting to timeline. Select all the frames (Navigate to the icon with the 4 bars at the bottom right of you screen. Select “select all frames”). Click the drop down next to the timing of any of the frames. Select ‘other’ and input a your preferred timing. I personally use ‘0.04′ but I've seen people use anywhere from 0.4-0.8ms. Also as a note: when you convert your gif to timeline it has a tendency to mess up your timing so even if you input 0.04 or 0.05 it won’t actually be that timing later. If you want the true frame rate you can set your timing right before saving. You can also adjust timing at the end. (see export/saving gif section for more info)

Now the next part can be tedious and for that reason I’ve created numerous actions to speed up this process. But for the sake of this tutorial I will walk you through the steps. At the bottom of your screen is your timeline. As you can see, it defaults to frames, but we want to convert this into a smart object so that all your coloring/edits are made to all of the layers. To do this: 1) Navigate to the icon with the 4 bars at the bottom right of you screen. Select “select all frames” 2) Now select all your layers in your layer panel. On mac you can use cmd + option + A as a shortcut. 3) Back to the icon with the 4 bars, select “convert to video timeline” 4) Right click on all layers (which should still all be selected) and find “convert to smart object”

(Aside: Actions) actions are SUPER helpful to streamlining your giffing process. you can find actions people have made available on resource blogs like itsphotoshop OR you can choose to make your own custom actions. To do this, all you need to do is locate your action panel. Then from the controls at the bottom of the panel select the one that looks like a sheet of paper to “create a new action” Once you’ve named it and hit ‘ok’ the record icon should now be red. PS will now basically ‘record’ whatever you do. To stop recording hit the square icon. Now whenever you want ps to execute the same set of steps you just did, you can locate the action you just made and ‘play’ it by selecting the triangle icon. I highly recommend making an action for the steps I just outlined above to convert your gif into a smart object timeline. It will make your process much faster and more painless. 

COLORING

Now the fun part! I focus on emphasizing the colors already present in the video source or getting rid of some less-than desirable overtones when I color. It gives the gif a natural look, but makes everything pop a little more. We will be working with selective color, curves, levels, and brightness/contrast mostly. This is the original gif I will be using to demonstrate coloring:

Curves: I always start with curves. The first curve layer I use to set a desirable black point. To do this, locate the top dropper icon from the curves panel and select the darkest point of your image. This will set that section to “true black” Feel free to play around with this until you find a desirable outcome. Now add another curves layer. This one we will be using to adjust the brightness/contrast. First, I always start off with ‘auto’ and see where that takes me. If you like the outcome, great! If you don’t play around with the different curve points until you get an outcome you like. 

Selective Color: This adjustment layer will be your best friend. For me, I will typically work with reds, yellows, and black. If the source has a lot of blue/cyan I will use those too. Basically look at your source and determine which base colors you’d like to emphasize/alter. For blacks I usually up the black by +1-5 depending on the source. For reds, it also depends on the source. But I will typically either decrease cyan (to make red stand out more) or increase cyan (to make the red not look so overexposed). You want to be careful here. Overexposing the red can make your skin tones look like red tomatoes! And for my content base, where most of the actors are of asian descent, we should be emphasizing the yellows and NOT the reds (see aside on color correction + skin tones for more info). After altering the reds to my liking, I do the same process for the yellows. To bring back natural skin tones and color, you will likely want to darken the yellows, expose them a bit more and maybe even  up the yellow slider. A common rule of thumb: if you want to make any of the colors less exposed, increase the cyan. If you want to increase exposure on any of the colors, decrease the cyan. If you want a color to appear more strongly or prominently, increase the black. The magentas and yellows I use more to adjust hues. You can add multiple selective color layers to further emphasize your changes. 

Levels: Now we will work on the lighting some more. This creates more contrast and depth to your gif, often making them look ‘crisper’ To emphasize the bright parts, move the right-hand slider to the left. The emphasize the dark parts, move the left-hand slider to the right. You may also choose to move the middle slider to adjust more neutral lighting. Do so until you find a setting to your liking. 

Miscellaneous: Depending on your gif you may need to play with other adjustment layers. Some other ones I often use are the brightness/contrast and exposure to adjust lighting and add more dimension to the gif. For additional color correction I use color balance and to a lesser extent hue/saturation and vibrance. 

(Aside: Color correction + skin tones): We are anti-whitewashing and anti-redwashing when it comes to asian media. Like I mentioned earlier, natural asian skin tones have yellow undertones, not red/pink. Therefore when you’re bringing in color you should be mindful of this delicate balance. Adding more red does NOT equal un-whiteashing. Be VERY careful how you balance the yellows with selective color/hues/color balance.

^^ Here is an example of what I mean by overexposing the reds. Poor seungho is looking as sunburnt as a cherry tomato. Note: if your original source is already overexposed with red, fix it! You can do this by applying the same basic principles I explained earlier. Try upping the cyan on the reds in selective color, or shifting the color balance to favor cyan over red with the color balance adjustment layer. You may also choose to favor the yellow over blue.

^^ Now this is straight-up whitewashing. This is what happens when you are not careful with your correction of yellow. I’m not saying you can’t touch the yellow slider or get rid of some yellow form the overall image (because sometimes it is very much needed), but you should be very mindful how your corrections can affect skin tones. If you decide to decrease saturation of yellows, or decrease yellow in the selective color section of the reds, do so with caution. If your reds are looking too pink, add some yellow in the red selective color, up the yellow and black of the yellow selective color.

^^ If you hit that happy medium, you can emphasize the natural skin tones without overexposure. Here the underlying tones are very much still in the yellow range. 

(Aside: Blending): I will very briefly talk about how to blend two gifs together. First make sure you’ve imported both your gifs into ps and converted them into the timeline format. On one of the gifs, right click the gif layer in the layer panel > duplicate layer > select the canvas of the gif you’d like to blend the gif with. On the canvas you just copied your second gif to, you can now drag the two layers around the on the canvas to get your desired positioning. On the top gif apply a layer mask. This can be found in your layers panel at the bottom, and is indicated by the white rectangle with the circle. Next, make sure you select the mask in the layer panel (it will show up as a white rectangle on the layer you applied the mask). Grab your paintbrush tool and make sure your color is set to black. Now you can effectively ‘erase’ the part of the top gif you don’t want to show anymore. I recommend setting your brush hardness to 0% to get a smoother transition. You can also play with the opacity settings. If you want to add back in a part you erased, just switch to a white paintbrush and you will be able to undo what you had just ‘erased’ with the black. When you merge the gifs, they will play the same number of frames. This means your blended gif length is limited by the gif with the fewer number of frames. You can move around your timeline layer and shorten the included portion by dragging either end of the timeline layer in until you get both gifs to play the parts you want.

CAPTIONS/SUBTITLES

I often get asked about my subtitle font/styling settings. Personally I find the best fonts for subtitles are calibri and arial. I use calibri with the following settings: 12-14px, bold italic plus faux bold, 1px black stroke (optional: drop shadow set to ‘multiply’ at around 85% opacity), and tracking (VA) set to 75. If you would like your subtitles to fade-in or fade-out you can apply the ‘fade effect’. Locate the b/w square icon in your timeline panel. Select fade and drag it onto your text layer in your timeline. You can then right click on the wedge shape to adjust your fade duration. I usually use 0.35s. If you drag and drop the effect towards the beginning of your text you can get the fade-in effect. To get the fade-out, simply drag and drop your fade towards the end of your text layer.

SAVING/EXPORTING YOUR GIF

We’ve reached the final stretch! If you need to adjust your frame rate timing: you will need to revert your timeline to frames. To do this: 1) Navigate to the icon of 4 bars at the right of your timeline panel. Select convert frames > flatten frames into clips. 2) Navigate to the icon of 4 bars at the right of your timeline panel. Select convert frames > convert to frame animation > when promoted hit ’ok’. If at this point you see more than one frame in your timeline panel, delete the frames until only one is left. In the example below I would delete the first frame by hitting the trash icon from the timeline panel.

If there is only one frame, leave it as is. 3) Navigate to the icon of 4 bars at the right of your timeline panel. Select ‘make frames from layers’ You will most likely need to delete the first frame in your timeline panel (it won’t have your coloring). Sometimes ps adds in some ‘blank’ frames as well, delete those too. Now you can adjust your timing. 

Once your timing is set: When you’re saving your gif, just keep in mind it must be under 10mb. Navigate to file > export > save for web. When it comes to your save settings I typically use either selective diffusion or adaptive diffusion. I also also occasionally use adaptive pattern (I find this is best for dark scenes without a lot of contrast). Set colors to 256, quality to bicubic and looping options to forever. If you want to preview your gif, hit the preview button in the bottom left. Otherwise, go ahead a hit ‘save’ and you’re DONE!

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Feel free to check out my ‘ps things’ tag for more photoshop stuff/mini tutorials. Additionally @/nibreon and the hackmd site I linked previously are your best resources for vs questions. If you would like to see my giffing process in motion feel free to check out this video. It’s sped up but you can slow down the playback. Additionally be sure to check out resource blogs like itsphotoshop for more helpful tutorials and resources.

If you reached the end of this beast, kudos to you! I hope this helps and never be afraid to reach out with any questions.

[gr-ogu]

Hello! As requested, here is a tutorial on how I make my gifs. I would like to preface this by saying there are many ways to make gifs, and there’s no right or wrong answer imo. This is just how I personally go about doing so!

I will be using PS CC 2017, but as long as you have the video timeline option, it shouldn’t matter too much; on any version of PS, you should be able to adapt anything I mention here! You will also need some kind of screen recording software. I’ll talk a little more about that under the cut.

To start, you need the source material you will be making the gifs from! I get mine from snahp(.)it (avoiding links so tumblr hopefully doesn’t banish this from the tags lmao) and I always opt for either 1080p or 2160p. Not all laptops will support 2160p as it’s 4K, but either works great! You just want your gifs to be the best quality possible.

Next is where the screen recording comes in. I don’t use the screencapping method to make my gifs (where you use a program to cap a clip and then load those caps into a stack in PS). This isn’t for any particular reason… it’s just how my friends, (who very kindly taught me to gif), had always done it, so it’s now how I do it too. Personally, I find the quality to be just as good as the screencapping method, and have never noticed a difference between the two.

As I have a PC, I use the software built into it for screen-recording. If you go here: theverge(.)com/2020/4/21/21222533/record-screen-pc-windows-laptop-xbox-game-bar-how-to – you can see how to use the XBOX screenrecorder to record from files you have d*wnloaded. This also works on some streaming sites, but I think it depends on what browser you use. Personally, I recommend Firefox, as that seems to bypass a lot of the blocking and ads that occur when trying to do this sort of thing.

For MAC users, I have been told handbrake works well, as it converts MKV files to MP4, which can then be used to make gifs. You only need to convert part of the file to MP4 depending on how much you want to gif, and this also bypasses the screenrecording stage, as you can edit MP4 clips on Quicktime. I am told you can split them into smaller clips by going to edit > trim and it saves the new clip!

I have also used anyvideoconverter for small clips, but I can’t say what it does to the quality of your video, or how big of a file it lets you put in! With the XBOX screenrecorder, it doesn’t matter what type of video files you get, as the recording will save to MP4 anyway.

LOADING YOUR FRAMES

Now, go ahead and record whatever clips you want to gif. Make sure you have the video timeline open, by going to window > timeline. Then, go to file > import > video frames to layers.

Next, select and open your clip from where it has saved (with the XBOX recorder, it saves in video > captures). You should see a little window pop up, where you can move the sliders back and forth to clip your recording to whichever part(s) you specifically want to gif. I recommend trying not to load a lot of frames into photoshop at once, but I would be a hypocrite to say that, since I do it a lot lmao. Just be patient if you do!

Once you have chosen the length, click okay. Never, EVER, I repeat NEVER click the button that says “limit to every __ frames”. This really ruins the flow and quality of your gif—it’s better to have shorter, but smoother gifs, I promise. And with tumblr’s new 10 MB limit, it shouldn’t be a problem anyway!

Then, your frames should open up. What we want to do is make them into a smart object, so we can edit all the layers at the same time. To do this, click the small button in the left-hand corner. ALWAYS click this first. If you don’t, it will only convert the first frame to a smart object and the gif won’t work.

Give it a second to sort itself out, then, on the right-hand side, select all your frames at once using the shift key.

Then, go to filter > convert for smart filters. This might take a minute. Don’t click anything else in case PS gets angry lmao, just leave it for a second and it’ll do its thing. The more frames you have, the longer it takes! Now we have our gif, but it needs to be cropped, sharpened and coloured!

CROPPING

You want to start by selecting the rectangular marquee tool on the left-hand side, then drag it across by clicking and highlighting the area you would like to crop your gif to, like so:

What I tend to do is select everything inside the black lines you sometimes get around your gif (this depends on what file you d*wnload), and also the tiniest bit inside the sides. This is because I’ve found if you crop it right up to the edge, you get a tiny bit of transparency on the sides of your gifs, which I’d rather avoid.

Once you have your desired selection, go to image > crop. Now, the dimensions for tumblr are 540px width, so all your gifs have to be that width. However, the length is up to you. I really like big gifs, so sometimes I even make a full square, or even longer. It’s entirely up to you, and what kind of set you want to make.

For the purposes of this gif, I will stick to what I usually go for, 540px by 350 px. This will mean you’ll have to crop some width off, but that’s okay, since Marisa isn’t central anyway. The cropping is always trial and error for me, as sometimes people move out of the frame within in the gif. The best thing to do is just try it, and then move the slider in the timeline window at the bottom to see if the person stays inside the gif, and if not, adjust accordingly.

Next, go to image > image size:

In this box, if I put the width as 540, the gif is a smaller height than I want, as it keeps to the dimensions of the gif when you load it into PS. That’s okay, just put the height you want instead, and we’ll crop off the excess.

Then click OK. Using the rectangular marquee tool again, we need to remove the excess width. Part of the reason I like this version of PS is that it tells you the width of your selection as you do it, but you can always use the ruler as a guide, and check the size of your image by going to image > image size again.

Again, use image > crop, and your gif should now be the correct size!

You can also use the crop tool in the timeline window to crop the length of your gif:

However, I tend to wait until later on to do this (which will be explained further down!)

SHARPENING

Next you want to go to filter > sharpen > smart sharpen.

These are my settings. However, 0.4px is very sharp, too much so, but that’s easily fixed.

Go to filter > blur > Gaussian blur and then set it to 1.0.

Now on the right-hand side, we need to reduce the blur, so double click the little adjustment button, and change the opacity of the blur. I usually go for 20-30%!

Then click OK, and that’s your sharpening done!

COLOURING

I picked this scene on purpose as it’s dark, so good for showing how to colour a gif. I have a base psd which consists of some very basic adjustments, but it mostly exists so I don’t forget what adjustment layers I like to use. I adjust them every time I make a gif, essentially colouring each gif from scratch.

In this case, the psd actually makes it darker. So, what I will do is turn each layer off, and adjust as I go. A lot of people say using lots of adjustment layers ruins the quality of your gif… I have never found this to be true, as long as you are gentle with them. If you whack the brightness right up to the top, it’s going to ruin your gif no matter if you use 1 adjustment layer or 100. I would just say use your common sense, and adjust a little at a time!

I start with a simple black to white gradient map set to soft light, because I think it helps you see depth once you add some brightness to it. I usually do this on about 10%, or more if needed. It’s probably unnecessary, I just like how it looks!

Then, I move onto using curves and levels. This is where things can diverge depending on who you’re colouring. If this person is white, it doesn’t matter too much. If they’re not white, you don’t want to white wash them. My best advice is to play around with it. By adding vibrance and other (usually the red) selective colour settings later, you can ensure you don’t change the person’s skin tone from what it originally was. You can also use layer masks at varying opacities (various shades of grey), on your curves and levels, to remove some brightening so that you’re not changing anyone’s skin colour. Just brighten slowly and check in with yourself honestly about how your gif looks.

Some people don’t like using levels, or curves. It’s completely up to you. I tend to use both because levels are good for bringing depth, even if not brightening (though I like to use them for that as well). 

One thing you can do is use the white point of the gif to make PS adjust the curves itself, however I like to drag the sliders myself and see what it looks like. Just make sure it’s not too bright, as we will be using further layers to brighten more, after.

Next is levels. The slider on the left controls the black point, the one in the middle controls the midtones, and the one on the right controls the white points. The black brings depth, the midtones adjust the overall brightness, and the white points produce stronger highlights. Again, you’ll get a feel for how this works as you practice. Just don’t use the white point excessively, especially if your characters are not white.

Then I add vibrance (+20!), because we’ve removed a lot of it when lightening the gif. Next is exposure, which I find brings out the highlight and shadow areas more effectively:

Then colour balance! This helps with scenes that might be a certain colour, i.e. too blue, too green, too red, etc. Moving the sliders in the opposite direction of the colour your gif is will counteract it. The best thing to do when accounting for different colours, is to make a new layer every time you change colour, so that you don’t get confused. I always add a new layer for colour balance and selective colour if I want to change more than one thing. So one for red, one for yellow, one for pink, etc. 

A layer of brightness just to make the gif pop, and because the scene is extra dark, I added a very gentle extra curves layer:

SAVING YOUR GIF

Time to save the gif. You can go ahead and file > export > save for web (legacy) now, but then you’ll have to reopen the gif to reset the frame rate from 0.07, to 0.05. Instead of doing that, I use a modified action. The original was made by the very talented @elenafisher! So I do not take credit for that at all. You can find the original here: elenafisher(.)tumblr(.)com/post/190817437374/gif-sharpening-action-2-preview-download and in my resources tag. Please reblog it if you’re going to use this!

To use an action, first make sure you have actions turned on in window > actions. To load in your action, go to the little lines circled, and then load the action from your downloads:

Obviously if you don’t want to sharpen your gifs yourself, you can use the action as it is, and it will give you a beautiful glowing effect. If you’d just like to use it to flatten your gif into frames like I do, make sure to take out all the items I have highlighted:

Until it looks like this!

Make sure you have the layer under the file name highlighted, and then click the play button at the bottom! (If you get a screen saying select all frames cannot be found, don’t worry, just click continue!) You can delete the layer that does that if you want, I just keep it in case I realise I’ve forgotten to do something, because you can click cancel and edit your gif before you flatten it. Of course you can undo the steps to get back to the smart object version of your gif, it just takes longer!

And now your gif is in frames and set to 0.05 already, so you don’t have to change the speed! All you need to do now before saving is change the gif cycle to ��forever” in the bottom left-hand corner:

Then to save the gif go to file > export > save for web (legacy). Sometimes, the gif is bigger than the tumblr 10MB limit. You’ll be able to see this in the bottom left-hand corner of the gif save settings. If this is the case, I like to preview the gif, to see whether it would be best to cut frames off of the beginning or the end, or both. When you’ve decided, you can select the frames at the bottom, and in the right-hand side panel, and delete them both using the little bins/trash icons.

I keep checking and deleting frames until I get the gif under 10 MB! Just don’t delete frames from the middle, as then you’ll have the same issue as if you selected “every other frame” when making the gif: it won’t flow!

Lastly, these are my save settings:

So that’s it! That’s how I make all my gifs. Blending I do when the gifs are in the grouped, smart filter stage, whereas text I add on during the framing section above! Really hope this is helpful, please feel free to ask any questions you may have! 💖

[poeticandors]

Cut to the Feeling Part 3

Poe Dameron x F!Reader (Babysitter!AU)

Summary: After graduating college and needing to have some cash in order to survive while doing an unpaid internship, Y/N decides to take up a babysitting/caretaking job. Little does she know that she ends up working for a familiar face.

Warnings: small mentions of smut, just little flashbacks really, and a ton of angst at the end

A/N: This is for @propertyofpoeandbucky Mystery Challenge! Thanks for waiting patiently, everyone! It’s been wild trying to figure out what to write but I hope this does justice. This one definitely got to me, and you’ll see why.

Part 1 Part 2

GIF by @captain-flint

Booster seat? Check.

First aid kit? Check.

Snacks in case Eva Bey gets hungry? Check, check.

You nod, double-checking the inventory again before finally closing the door. Today was your first official day, and you wanted to be prepared. You had to prove to Poe that you were the best choice.

Heading into the driver’s seat, you buckle up before you put in the address for Eva Bey’s school, and drive off. As you grip the steering wheel, your mind only wandered off. Was this a mistake? Did Poe make the wrong choice, hiring you? Did you make a mistake accepting the position?

No, none of this was a mistake. Sure, you may have slept with the guy who was now your boss, technically, but it was only a one-time thing. Everything had to be professional, which is how you would act when interacting with Poe. Every text between you was simple, it never led to a full conversation. Just simple directions and information that you needed. That’s all it was, and that’s all it needed to be.

Fuck, you taste even better, his deep voice rings in the back of your mind. You can’t help but think back to that night. The image of Poe kneeling on his knees in front of you as he throws your legs over his shoulders is clear as day. The way the light peeked in from outside and how his hands felt as they dug hard into your thighs, how his mouth felt—

Stop!

Shaking your head, you quickly think of something else. You really needed this job, and despite that one night no matter how amazing it was, you would not let that happen again.

Finally, you pull up into the pick-up car line and step out, taking a look around the school. Poe made sure to let you know the earlier you get there, the better chance of getting a good spot in line you would get. The parents can be very competitive, he told you.

You checked your watch, and realized you were right on time, so you started heading to the front office. As you look around, you notice just how much more lavish the vehicles in line were than your own. The front door had a buzzer that you hit to be let inside, and you noticed all the security cameras. This was definitely elite compared to the preschool you remembered going to.

Walking inside, you head straight to the front desk, spotting a receptionist. She gives you a friendly smile, leaning forward.

“Hi! Are you here for a pick-up?”

“Um, yes? I’m here for Eva Bey Dameron.”

“Oh, you’re the nanny, right? Mr. Dameron called and let us know you would be picking her up from now on.”

“That’s me,” you nod.

“Well, if I could see your ID please? It’s just a procedure when we get someone new for pick-up. I’ll copy it and put it in Eva Bey’s file.”

“Sure,” you reach into your bag and grab your wallet, pulling out or driver’s license to hand to her.

“Perfect, and if you can fill out this emergency contact form as well?” She hands you a clipboard. “It also asks for your vehicle information.”

“Okay, no problem.”

Just as you finish completing the form, she hands you back your ID. She then tells you which room Eva Bey is in and you make your way down the hallway.

The artwork displayed on the bulletin boards and the colorful decorations on each classroom door brightens up the hallway. Drawings, paintings, and even cut out projects fill each board. You finally make your way up to Eva Bey’s classroom, spotting a drawing of hers on the bulletin board. Smiling, you knock on the door before stepping inside, and see all of the children at their different stations.

A young woman walks up to you, a friendly smile on her face. “Hi, you’re here to pick up Eva Bey, right? I just got the call from the front desk.”

“Yeah, I am,” you shake her hand, giving her your name.

“It’s good to meet you. I’m Miss Connix. Eva Bey is just finishing up with her sensory station so after she washes her hands she’ll be ready to go.”

“No problem, can I grab her bag?”

“Sure, her cubby is over there,” she points and you nod in thanks as you go grab the small, pink backpack.

You hear your name being called in a small voice, and turn to see Eva Bey hurrying to you. Smiling, you kneel down.

“Hey, Eva Bey! Are you ready to go home?”

“Yeah! Will my daddy be there?”

“No, he’ll be at work, remember? It’ll be just us today.”

“Okay!” She turns to her teacher. “Bye, Miss Connix!”

“Bye, Eva Bey! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

She grabs your hand as you stand up, making your way to sign her out before you lead her out of the classroom. She skips along next to you as you lead her to your car, her dark pigtails bouncing at the top of her head.

After getting her seated in her booster seat and buckled up, you quickly move to the front seat and look back at her.

“I brought some snacks if you’d like,” you smile. “We have granola bars and some Goldfish.”

“Can I have some Goldfish, please?”

“Sure.”

Handing her a bag, she happily takes it before swinging her feet over the edge of the seat. Flipping on your Disney playlist, you begin the ride to Poe’s house.

++++++

The trip back home wasn’t too bad, you were lucky enough to get past most of the traffic. A lot of the drive was spent singing songs from some of Eva Bey’s favorite movies, and hearing about her day at school. She mentioned how they were working on writing their letters, and also showed you a finger painting project she did for the letter ‘e’, which she was very excited to show you.

After arriving at Poe's house, you both quickly settled down so she could relax for a bit. Then, it was on to practicing tracing her letters from one of the few books Poe had left for Eva Bey to work on to practice each day. You sat and helped her for the first portion of the page for the letter ‘a’ before she was able to independently do the motions herself. While she worked on that, you quickly worked on getting a few things done for the house.

After putting away the dishes that were left in the dishwasher last night, you went on to go ahead and wash the few that were in the sink. There was a basket of Eva Bey’s dirty laundry that sat in the hallway, so you took care to get that started in the laundry. After getting that taken care of, Eva Bey ran straight up to you to show you the letters she did by herself.

“Wow! Look at that! That’s so good, Eva Bey,” you smile.

“Can we play, now?”

“Sure, we can play a bit before I start cooking dinner.”

She smiles and takes your hand, pulling you to her bedroom. As you sit on the rug in the floor of her room next to the small table, she goes and grabs a crate filled with various Barbies and other dolls, and then another filled with small dress up clothing accessories like beaded necklaces and hats.

“What are we going to be playing?”

“Tea party!” She comes up, placing a necklace around your neck.

“You know what? I was definitely ready to drink some tea, too,” you laugh softly. Her smile brightens and she quickly starts setting up the table. “Are there going to be treats, too?”

“Well, there’s biscuits! And cookies.”

“Maybe one of these days we can bake some cookies, what do you think?”

“Can they be Snickerdoodles? Those are my favorite.”

“Sure!”

You scoot closer to the table as Eva Bey sits down, pretending to pour tea into your little plastic teacup. Propping your pinky up, you feign taking a sip as Eva Bey giggles. The game goes on, the both of you acting silly and acting out a tea party when you notice how quiet Eva Bey suddenly gets. She stares down at her lap, and when she lets out a whisper of your name that’s when you realize something might be wrong.

“Yeah, Eva Bey?”

“...Did you ever play tea party with your mommy?”

The question kind of catches you off guard, but at the same time… You always wondered why Eva Bey’s mom wasn’t present, but knew it wasn’t your place to ask about it. From the way Eva Bey looks up at you with her soft, brown eyes, you figure it’s probably a sensitive subject.

“Well, I don’t really remember playing tea party with my mom,” you start off. “But I do remember playing other games.”

She only nods, and looks back down at her lap. You figure that’s all she is going to ask until she sighs softly.

“I don’t have a mommy,” she says simply, with a mere hint of sadness laced. “I ask my daddy about it but he says he will tell me when I’m older.”

“Oh… well,” you scoot closer to her. “You know, Eva Bey, there are a lot of people who don’t have mommy’s.”

“They don’t?”

“No, and that is okay. I know it can make us feel upset, too.” You say softly. Eva Bey mutters something and you lean down towards her to hear her. “Hm?”

“Sometimes the kids at school talk about their mommy’s, and it makes me feel a little sad.”

“Well… that’s okay to be sad, sometimes. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you have a daddy and grandpa who love you very much. And you know that you can always talk to them about it, and they will always be there to give you hugs and kisses when you feel sad.”

You hope that this was enough for Eva Bey to hear— you were not expecting this to be one of the first serious conversations with the four year old. But when she looks up at you, the corners of her mouth lift up slightly.

“Yeah… they do love me a lot.”

Relieved, you let out a slight laugh. “I know they do. Very much. Do you feel a little better?”

Eva Bey smiles fully, a bright sight, and nods. “Yeah.”

You smile, and check the time on your watch. “Oh, we should start cleaning up so that we can cook dinner. How does mac and cheese with some broccoli sound?”

“Okay!” She quickly jumps up, rushing to put all her toys away. You can’t help but chuckle at the sight, and help her out before heading to the kitchen.

++++++

Poe stretches as he gets out of his car, inhaling the crisp, cool night air. Everything is quiet now, despite the few cars driving along the road, and he checks the time. Eva Bey should have been in bed two hours ago, and he hoped that was the case.

Poe wonders for a moment how your first day together went: if there were any issues or if you guys had a great time. You didn’t have to contact him, except to tell him that you both made it home safely, so that should have been a good sign. And he knew that Eva Bey was talking nonstop about seeing you again after the first meeting.

Poe was glad, though. He wanted her to get along with you. Eva Bey was usually pretty shy, but yet you were able to get her to open up to you after minutes of being with her. She asked Poe plenty of questions like if he knew your favorite color or anything else, which Poe of course could not answer. Poe realized he didn’t know too much about you, and the little he did know was only what he learned from the interview and… the night before.

The sounds you made as he pinned you to the bed and rocked his hips into yours were etched in the back of his mind. The way you gasped and threw your head back in pleasure as you dug your nails into his back while he rubbed his fingers against your sensitive nub is pictured clearly. He hadn’t been with anyone who made him feel that good in so long and…

He should not be thinking about that right now.

Poe shakes his head, and wipes his hand down his face. He needed to stop. Whatever happened wouldn’t happen again, and he definitely would not cross any lines that were made between you both.

He unlocks the front door and steps inside, hearing nothing except the slight sounds of your humming. He sets his bag down, and walks to the kitchen to see you sitting at the counter with a laptop and binder out.

“Hey.”

You quickly look up, smiling. “Hey, I didn’t hear you come in. Eva Bey fell right to sleep at eight.”

“Did she? That’s good,” he nods as he heads to the fridge.

“Oh, I… actually made you some dinner— well… I happened to make more dinner for myself then I meant to, so… I made you a plate.”

Poe watches you walk over to the microwave, pulling out a plate of food. Turning, you place it in his hands.

“I figured you would want something different then Mac and cheese and broccoli,” you chuckle. “But I wasn’t sure if you ate on the way home or not, so—“

“I didn’t. Thank you, I’m starving actually and this looks way healthier then a drive-thru burger.”

Poe puts the plate back in the microwave and warms it up, while you stand awkwardly in place wringing your hands together. You desperately want to bring up the conversation you had with Eva Bey, but that would mean possibly having to bring up a new conversation that seemed to be sensitive with Poe.

But when he glances down at you, and sees the look on your face, you figure it’s too late to turn back.

“Um… can I ask you something?”

“Sure, anything.”

“...What happened to Eva Bey’s mother?”

Poe sighs, rubbing his brow as the microwave beeps and he pulls the plate out. He grips the edge of the counter, looking down in silence, and you wonder if you just crossed a line.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… she asked me a question about my mother and then she told me how she doesn’t have one—”

“No, it’s fine,” Poe waves you off. “It’s just… I’ve been trying to come up with a way to talk to her about it. But every time I think I found a way, I look into her eyes and just…”

Poe trails off, and you silently rebuke yourself for not keeping this to yourself.

“Poe, if you don’t want to talk about it—“

“No, no, it’s okay. I… I need to talk about this.”

Slightly relieved, you nod as Poe pushes away from the counter and faces you.

“When I was a sophomore in college, I met this girl. She was pretty nice, and of course I was just a dumb college kid. So, we made up this… arrangement. We were usually careful, but one thing led to another and, well, she ended up pregnant.”

Poe scoffs, shaking his head. You waited patiently for Poe to continue, leaning against the counter.

“Of course, I was willing to start a relationship. I told her I wasn’t going to walk out on her, and I didn’t want the kid to live without both parents. I took her out on dates, planned everything for the baby with her. I thought… I thought things were going well. That she felt the same way I did for her, and god, I even think at one point I was in love with her.

“Well, I must’ve been blinded or something. Because after she gave birth to Eva Bey, and she was cleared from the hospital, she left with no word. There was no way for me to reach her— her parents lived out of the state and I didn’t have any way to contact them. She just… disappeared, and left me alone to care for our child.”

“Oh, Poe… I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well… as Eva Bey got older, I tried coming up with a way to tell her about her mother. She’s only ever asked a handful of times, and of course she is so patient. She just looks at me and nods when I tell her ‘we’ll talk about it when you’re a little older’. But I just… I haven’t told her because…”

Poe swallows thickly, and you swear that if the crack in his voice doesn’t make your heart ache, the next thing he says will.

“...What kid wants to hear that their mom didn’t want to be their mom? That they didn’t want to read them bedtime stories and watch their dance recitals and miss their tee-ball games? Or kiss them goodnight and sing them to sleep?”

And of course, you feel for Poe after he says this. How do you even come up with a way to explain all that to a child? How can you tell them without making it feel like they did something wrong when in fact they did absolutely nothing?

And just how can someone look at a child— especially one as bright and sweet as Eva Bey— and decide they don’t want to be in their life?

All of these questions roll through your mind and you just miss the slight sniffle coming from Poe. Glancing at him, you watch as he wipes away a single tear.

“I just… I love that kid so damn much. I want to give her the world because she deserves it. Because she is one of the sweetest, and kindest kids. And she doesn’t even have the luxury of having both parents in her life. Just me—“

“Hey, don’t do that,” you shake your head. “Don’t even think of putting yourself down like that. Eva Bey is so lucky to have you as her father. That little girl loves you so much, I can see it all around here: from all the photographs and drawings of you both to the way her eyes light up when she talks about you.”

Poe lifts his gaze at the time you stare directly into his dark eyes, making your point quite clear.

“And she knows how much you love her. So do not ever doubt that you give her enough when the truth is you give her so much and more. She is so lucky to have you, and you are the only parent she needs, Poe. If her mother doesn’t want to be in that sweet little girl's life, then she doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. Because even I saw just how special Eva Bey is from the moment I met her.”

Something flashes in Poe’s eyes— something that you have to tell yourself isn’t really there because if it was, then that would be bad. But you continue to stay silent, staring into his eyes as the ticking from the clock in the living room makes its way to break the silence between you and Poe. And just as he stares down at you, it’s almost as if… as if he—

Poe clears his throat, taking a step back. “...Thank you, for saying that. About Eva Bey.”

You almost don’t hear what he says, but you quickly nod in response. “Well, it’s true. She’s a wonderful girl, and I’m lucky to get to be here and get to know her more.”

“...She’s lucky to get to have you here, too. And… so am I.”

A small, sincere smile forms upon your face, and Poe returns it all the same. Before you can say anything further, you happen to catch the time on the stove clock.

“Oh… it’s getting late. I should… go.”

“...Right. Right, you should.”

Poe watches as you gather your laptop and binder, and stuff them into your bag. As you throw the strap over your shoulder, Poe nods and follows you to the door silently. He opens it, and the slight breeze from outside hits your bare arms and causes you to shiver right away. Poe pretends not to notice as he walks you to your car, and you glance up at him.

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Thanks for dinner, by the way. And for… the talk.”

“Of course.”

Poe looks as if he has something else to say, but hesitates, and instead bids you good night before you get into your car. You watch through your window as Poe makes it back into his house, closing the door, and you let out a sigh— the emotional exhaustion finally catching up to you. Running your hands down your face, you finally start the car and proceed on your way back home.

What a first day, you think to yourself as you turn off onto the main road. You were not at all prepared for any of that — for the few questions from Eva Bey to the long, heart-rending conversation with Poe. Eva Bey seemed to be fine after you were able to get her to eat her dinner and play a bit more before putting her to sleep. But Poe…

You think back to the way he looked at you— there was definitely something hidden beneath those brown eyes of his, but you didn’t know what that was. It was for the best, you figure. But still, you couldn’t help the way your heart raced against your chest as you think back to it.

Tonight definitely changed things between the three of you.

++++++

Tag list: @bellamys @liziihorta @woakiees @lizajane3 @danicalifxrnia @mrsdaamneron @spectre-leader @mystical-934 @atonemnt @shakespeareanwannabe @cyarikaaa @fandomtravels @someplace-darker @darksideofclarke @kittyofalltrades @galaxy-of-stories @thesoftdumbass @yougottakeeponkeepinon @obipoelover @none-of-your-bullshit @newyorksins @kittycatty072 @cheekygeek05 @mserynlarsen @loveboat

[sparring-hyena]

mac and cheese with ketchup.

because the recent chapter was... something, i felt like i had to write this piece before i write anything else. i’ll be addressing what happened in the chapter, so a trigger warning for a brief mention of harassment does apply.

-

it’s after midnight when AJ’s phone pings. it’s Zoey checking in. asking if she’s safe and if she wants some company. AJ reaches for her phone and types a quick response out.

[12:24am] AJ: i’m fine. just felt like being alone for a bit. don’t wait up.

[12:24am] Zoey: okay. be safe. call if you need to.

[12:24am] AJ: i will. thanks.

AJ tosses her phone back onto the table, sinking back in the booth, and tipping her head back. she lets her eyes fall closed and for the first time in since everything happened, actually lets her mind wander.

she hates the image that her mind decides to conjure up. that god-awful shrine in the back of Benji’s closet. it makes her shudder. but still. she keeps her eyes closed. forces herself to think about it. to remember it. because maybe if she thinks about it, it won’t bother her as much.

“refill, love?” a voice, a warm and older voice, says.

AJ snaps her eyes open, heart thumping against her rib cage. she takes a moment to refocus her attention. remind herself of where she is: some 24 hour diner with pale yellow walls, dim lights, and tattered grey booths lining the walls.

“what?” AJ says, shaking her head free of the image.

“refill?” the woman says again, nodding to the empty mug, still patient and with a warm smile that reminds AJ so much of her mother back home.

“oh, uh, yes, please.”

the woman fills AJ’s mug and looks at AJ a lot like a mother would look at their daughter. “you okay?”

AJ forces a smile. it doesn’t quiet reach her eyes. “just tired. had a busy few days.”

the woman nods, doesn’t seem to believe it, but doesn’t push for answers. “get you anything to eat?”

AJ’s about to decline. but then she has an image of home. an image of late nights spent in the kitchen with her sister where they’d make some of that box mac and cheese after a particularly shitty day. “do you have mac and cheese?”

“sure do.”

“could i just have a bowl of that, please?”

“of course.” the woman writes the order down and disappears into the kitchen.

it’s probably ten minutes later that a warm bowl of mac and cheese is placed down in front of AJ. and normally she’s not one to add ketchup to her mac and cheese, but her sister is, and right now, AJ misses her sister. so she pours some ketchup over the mac and cheese, and even though it kinda ruins the meal for her, she feels a little less alone.

she pays the bill not long later, leaves a generous tip on the table, and steps out onto the dark and cold street. a quick check of her phone tells her it’s getting closer to one o’clock. she should really go back to her dorm and try get some sleep. she’s got a class tomorrow. but she can’t. she can’t bring herself to walk back onto that campus.

she’s about to start walking. maybe try find a bar she can sit at for a bit. but just in her peripheral vision she sees someone. Poppy.

AJ sighs. of course she’d run into Poppy.

they lock eyes for a moment. stand in the orange glow of the street light. and then AJ just turns and leaves. she walks down the street and buries her hands deep her in pockets to fight off the chill that’s starting to set in.

“AJ, wait,” Poppy calls out, and she even jogs to catch up.

“what?” AJ snaps when Poppy catches up. “can’t we just pretend that we didn’t see each other?”

“i just...” Poppy sighs. “i’m sorry.”

and that... AJ hadn’t been expecting that.

“i shouldn’t have said that you made it up. that you’d lied about what he did. and all the other stuff i did too. that was cruel and completely uncalled for.”

“well... thanks?”

and Poppy actually looks surprised, maybe a little confused and... offended?

“that’s it?” Poppy says.

AJ shrugs. “yeah? what’d you expect me to say?”

“more.”

“you want ‘more’?” it’s AJ’s turn to look offended. “you were horrible to me! i don’t care if you want ‘more’. that’s all i can give right now.”

“i apologised,” Poppy says, her tone cold.

“so?”

“i don’t apologise.”

“well, i think you really need to figure out why that is before you start asking for forgiveness.”

they stand in the silence for a moment. a cab whooshes past and AJ can see a few people stumble out of a bar a few blocks up.

“for what it’s worth,” AJ says, “i’m sorry too. for everything i did to you. but i think it might be a good idea if we stay away from each other for a bit. you’ve got stuff you need to figure out and i just... i think i need a break from everything for a while. so, thanks for the invite to your party, but i’m not going.”

and then AJ leaves.

the weeks drift by and AJ keeps mostly to herself. she only really leaves her dorm for class, to pick up food, and the occasional dinner out when Zoey suggests they get off campus for a bit. she goes back to the dinner a few times. always by herself and always to eat a bowl of mac and cheese with ketchup. she watches movies with Zoey even though they both have a mountain of work to do. it’s nice. it makes remembering what happened with Benji a little easier.

“i think i’m ready,” AJ says late one night, movie credits rolling on the screen.

“ready?” Zoey says, looking up from her phone.

“to go out.”

a hesitant smile begins to bloom across Zoey’s face. “are you sure? because there’s not rush.”

“yeah. i think it’s time. and besides, i kinda miss it.”

and then that hesitant smile turns into a real smile and Zoey’s talking so fast AJ’s having a little trouble keeping up. she does catch something about a party the football boys are throwing at the end of the week.

Friday comes and they go to the party. it’s fun and easy and AJ really loves that no one’s mentioning that this is the first time she’s been out since Benji. she dances, talks, laughs, plays some games with everyone, and has something to drink too.

Poppy’s there too, AJ realises about half-way through the night. they stare at each other from across the backyard. they don’t say anything. simply offering a polite nod before they both go back to doing what they were doing.

after that Friday night, AJ starts easing back into her old routine. she still sees Poppy a few times a week around campus, but neither of them offer more than a simple nod.

it’s a few weeks later when, along with the polite nod, AJ offers Poppy a genuine smile when they see each other across the quad. a smile which Poppy returns with one of her own.

the months drift by. winter comes and goes, and now they’re about half-way through their spring quarter. AJ’s okay now. she still has days where the memories are too much, but she knows how to deal with days like those.

she still visits that diner with the pale yellow walls, dim lights, and tattered grey booths. enjoys a bowl of mac and cheese with ketchup each time she visits because it makes her think of home. of her sister. and even though she goes to the diner to be alone and think. she needs some kind of reminder that she’s not completely alone in this world.

she’s at another party now. can’t quiet remember the reason the hosts decided to have it. maybe just for the hell of it. that seems like reason enough.

it’s the end of the night and AJ’s in the kitchen, sitting on the counter and munching away at the bag of chips she found in a cupboard. they’re a little stale, but she’s a little drunk, so she doesn’t really care.

then Poppy walks into the kitchen, red solo cup in hand, and they both freeze in place.

“hey,” AJ says, suddenly feeling a lot more sober.

“hi,” Poppy says.

“fun night?”

Poppy shrugs. “it’s okay. you?”

“it’s good.” AJ clicks her tongue, figures they need something to fill the silence. “want some?” she offers the bag of chips to Poppy.

“no thank you.”

AJ nods and then jumps down from the counter. “well, i’ll let you get back to it.” she turns to leave but stops when Poppy speaks.

“i figured it out.”

“what?” AJ turns back to face her and moves a little bit closer.

“why i don’t apologise. there are a few reasons, but i think the main one is that i don’t want to be seen as weak. like, if i admit that i’m wrong or concede to someone, then they’ll walk all over me.”

“oh.”

“yeah.”

“what are the other reasons?”

“i’m stubborn.”

“i could have told you that.”

they both smile at that, because they both know what she’s talking about. that night they shared in Poppy’s room all those months ago, and Poppy had insisted on trying those beauty products on AJ.

“and,” Poppy says after a moment, suddenly serious, “i also don’t want to be less than perfect. i can’t be less than perfect. my parents, they’re...” she trails off, hopes that AJ can fill in the blank for herself.

“oh.” AJ swallows and wrings her fingers together. “do you wanna talk about it?”

Poppy shakes her head. “i don’t think here” —she gestures widely to the party— “is a good spot for that.”

“right.”

“but maybe some other time? when we haven’t been drinking?” Poppy says, her voice hesitant.

“yeah.”

then they both offer each other shy smiles as they go their separate ways.

they start to talk after that though. nothing serious. just small trivial stuff. everyone else on campus seems to realises that they’re no longer at each other’s throats, but aside from a few whispered comments, no one really makes a big deal about it.

AJ likes that.

it’s towards the end of the semester when AJ lays awake in bed one night, drumming her fingers against her stomach, and watching the shifting pattern of the moonlight against the ceiling. she makes a split second decision and texts Poppy. sends her an address and tells her to meet her there.

AJ climbs out of bed and pulls on some clothes before slipping out from her dorm quietly so she doesn’t wake Zoey.

she sees Poppy standing under the orange glow of a street light as soon as she turns onto the block.

“is everything okay?” Poppy says, sounding concerned and worried for her friend as AJ jogs up to her. “why’d you want to meet here?”

AJ doesn’t say anything. just smiles and takes Poppy’s hand in her own as she pulls her into the diner with the pale yellow walls, dim lighting, and tattered grey booths.

“evening, AJ,” the woman says, offering one of those warm maternal smiles.

“hi, Cath,” AJ says as she leads Poppy to her favourite booth.

it’s a few minutes later, once Poppy and AJ are both seated across from each other, that Cath comes up to their table. AJ orders her regular and Poppy says she’ll just have whatever AJ’s having.

“why did you bring me here?” Poppy says once they’re alone again.

“i wanted to share it with you.”

Poppy leans forward a little. “is that the only reason?”

she’s fishing for answers. AJ knows that. what they have has always felt a little more. more than friends. more than casual hookup buddies.

“no.” AJ says. “can we talk about that later though? i really want to just have a simple and easy meal with you here.”

“okay.”

Cath comes back then. two bowls of mac and cheese in hand and a bottle of ketchup held under her arm. “enjoy, lovelies.”

Poppy eyes the food and then watches with abject horror as AJ adds ketchup to her mac and cheese.

“what?” AJ looks up at Poppy, as though she’s completely unaware of the wrong she’s doing.

“why?”

“why what?”

Poppy nods to the ketchup bottle in AJ’s right hand.

“i know it seems kinda weird, but it’s good. really.”

“i doubt that.”

“just try some.”

“no.”

“please.”

Poppy concedes and takes a forkful of food from AJ’s bowl. and it’s... good. surprisingly good actually.

“well?” AJ smiles, hopeful.

“i like it.”

and then AJ’s beaming.

they talk a little bit while they eat. but mostly, AJ’s just happy to eat in silence, and enjoy that Poppy is sitting across from her, eating mac and cheese with ketchup, in the diner with the pale yellow walls, dim lighting, and tattered grey booths.

[mxrstar]

[ID: the image appears to be a sunset, but there are clouds and mountains fading in and out on both side of the horizon. on the left of the setting sun, it says: "tomorrow comes anyway" / end ID]

TOMORROW COMES ANYWAY

[a playlist for rainy days, with described day-dreams for each song under the cut]

Smile — Mikko Ekko

you are in a bar, or a bedroom, or a field, or maybe a car.

your best friends are there, and you are tired. your night is supposed to be over. this song comes up on the radio, and after the first lines, someone looks up. slowly, you all start singing. ‘the worst is yet to come’ you scream, from the top of your lungs, and though it may not be true, part of you believes it. ‘the future is forever, so smile,” you say, and you believe that, too.

your friends smile back.

A Complete List of Fears Ages 5-28 (aprox) — The Yellow Dress

you have just finished reading your favorite book for the first time, and- you know that weird, soft burst of energy that hits when words line up your life in such a way that the keyhole of the worst door in your heart lines up with the sky? and you think that perhaps this time you can open it and let light in? that’s what you are feeling right now.

the song says there’s gonna be another day, and maybe, if you weren't feeling like this. you'd object, say: are you sure? does it matter?

right now, you leave it at that. for once, it feels like it's enough.

Don’t Stop — Fleetwood Mac

you are on a couch, about to fall asleep. someone is holding you, or maybe you are holding someone. it’s been a bad night, but not the worst you have had.

at some point, your friend starts moving their thumb up and down, caressing your skin. maybe their hand is on your cheek, maybe it’s on your arm, maybe on your leg. you won’t remember in the morning, but you will often think back to how warm it felt. when people ask you "if you could go back to a peaceful memory, where would you go?" you always answer with this.

Float On — Modest Mouse

you are alone in a park, laying on the grass. it’s spring, and you can feel it in the air. there are children laughing, and people talking, but not so many that it’s annoying.

you feel safe. you sing along to the words, eyes shut, hands closed into fists. nothing bad will happen to me today, you think, and nothing will. you write about it in your diary when you come home at night, even though there’s not much to say. you circle the date and the month, and draw a lopsided heart right beside it. you add the name of the song, Float On, to make sure you'll remember why.

World Spins Madly On — The Weepies

something bad happened. you are in a waiting room, or in a bedroom, or maybe in a bus. a person you love sits beside you, and they are listening to music. they hand you one of their headphones, as if to say ‘want to listen along for a while?’

you do. this song is playing. the person you love sings it quietly, and they have a beautiful voice.

it’s comforting. it doesn’t solve anything, but you are not looking for solutions.

'thank you,' you say, and they take your hand into theirs.

Can’t Go Back Now — The Weepies

you are at a party with a lot of people from your past. some of them you have forgotten, or your affection for them has faded, but none of them is a bad person. none of them truly hurt you.

at some point, during a quiet moment, this song plays in the background. there’s only two people who know the lyrics: you, and a friend that you used to care about tremendously. you haven’t talked to them in ages, but you lock eyes as you sing along, and it feels meaningful. it feels true.

you hope they are okay. you don’t know if you’ll have the courage to ask them, but even if you don’t, you think that this is enough. you both love each other, even after all those years.

Almost Made It — Racoon

something important and yet forgettable in the sum of your life went wrong. you lost a good job opportunity, but you have not-terrible alternatives. you came fourth place to a contest that has prices for the first three. you were turned down by someone you hoped would like you back. you failed a difficult exam. anything on that note.

someone brings you home, and this song comes on the radio. they know the lyrics, you don’t. when the songs start, it’s so on the nose that you both end up laughing. but then the person with you gets so fucking into it, and starts performing it like it’s a concert or something. it’s funny. sincerely so.

you ask them “can you stay with me? at least for this afternoon” and they say yes. of course.

Epitaph For My Heart — The Magnetic Fields

you just broke up with someone you love, or lost a friend, and you are with a good stranger.

you met them in a pub, or maybe online, or in class or at work. you don’t know them well, but they are attractive, and they make you feel comfortable, and they respect all your boundaries.

wherever you are, this song comes on. “oh, this is one of my favorites,” they tell you.

if you like dancing, then you are dancing with them when this happens. if you don’t, you are sitting somewhere, and they sway in place, mouthing along to the words.

what matters is: they are very charismatic. you start moving/dancing/singing, too, and discover that you can be charismatic, too.

you like the music. at some point, you forget what the words say.

I Have Made Mistakes — Oh Hellos

you are about to fall asleep, and faint music is playing from your phone. you are having trouble calming yourself down, but then this song plays.

it has been a very, very tiring day. for the first time since you woke up, you let yourself acknowledge it. you feel like you should be proud of yourself, and you are right to think so.

before the song is over, you fall asleep. you won't have nightmares, and you'll dream of butterflies.

Never Quite Free — Mountain Goats

you are on a train, or maybe on a bus. perhaps you are walking, or looking outside the window of a plane.

you are going home, but it’s a new kind of home. something that you are just starting to build, that still feels like a discovery every time you step into it.

sometimes it’s hard to remember that healing isn’t linear, and so part of you wonders if it will still be home, when you wake up sweating in the middle of the night, thinking that you don’t belong, that there’s some price you must pay to exist wherever you are.

but this song is here to tell you: yeah. yeah, it still is home. it doesn’t have to feel like that all the time, but it’ll wait for you, patiently, with open arms, when you are ready to call it refuge again.

This Too Shall Pass — Danny Schmidt

you hear this song live. it’s a group of people singing it on the side of a street. there’s four of them, and they all—they all believe this. they all believe in what the song says. you don’t know why you can tell, but you can.

it feels magical. people stop beside you, and—god, you think you all believe this, too.

and so you are standing there, in a place that you know well, with people you don’t recognise, and you feel life moving around you, and know, deep inside your heart, that this too, whatever this is, shall pass.

Ghost Of Corporate Future — Regina Spektor

you are washing the dishes after dinner, or doing something equally as tedious, and put music on to distract yourself. this song is what plays last, when you are almost done.

it’s a Saturday, and it has been a hard day cause you never feel like you have enough energy to do something you enjoy. as the song plays, though, you remember about a movie you have been wanting to watch for ages, and, for some reason, you feel suddenly excited. you want to see it, and you know you have people to talk about it with. slowly, you realise that you can’t wait to.

your smile grows as the song ends, and you rush to your room to get your computer and watch the movie.

(turns out, it’s very good. a new favorite. you live-blog it to your friends, and your jokes make them laugh)

Not The End Of The World (Even as We Know It) — Faded Paper Figures

the people you love most sit in front of you on a table. some of them are cooking, and those that are cooking put on this song to sing it.

it’s the only one they all know the words to.

they perform it like they are in a theater and you and your other friends are the audience. they make quite a mess, screaming the lyrics in each other’s faces with everything fragile still held loosely in their hands.

you look at them in awe.

eventually, you get up to hug them. one of them kisses your cheek, and hugs you so tightly they raise your feet from the ground, or maybe they shake your shoulders playfully. do something, anything that makes you feel alive.

you have a whole night ahead of you. you know it'll be beautiful.

No Brakes — Pigeon Pit

two people who are in love with each other are arguing about music. one of them says you have to listen to this song, okay? it’s so good. the other keeps arguing that they just don’t like the genre, okay?

it goes on for a while, and it’s endearing. eventually, the first person puts on this song. the other tries so bad to hate it, but when the music comes to an end, and the singer says I’m going to wake up tomorrow, whatever it takes they smile. it's a wide smile, open and sunny, and it's one that simply can't go unnoticed.

their partner screams in victory, then rushes to hug them. see!!! they say, i knew you’d like it!!!

then they turn towards you. what did i say? they go, i told you this was gonna be a success!

and you know what? they did. they did tell you, and you are happy for them. you high-five them, and their partner laughs.

This Year — The Mountain Goats

it’s new year’s eve. not a particularly good one, but not a terrible one, either.

you remember how everyone talks about this song, you remember the singer saying that around new year’s, much more people seem to listen to it. you wonder: who else is blasting it in their apartment right now? even if they are alone, and maybe especially if they are?

there must be more than you can visualise, sitting on their couch with their tv on mute and their phone opened on this one song.

some of them must be good people. you are not in this together, not really, cause you can’t reach them, but you are not in this entirely alone, either. not in a way that matters. not in a way that counts.

we are all going to make it through this year, you think. we have to.

I Know The End — Phoebe Bridgers

it’s today, or tomorrow, or ten years from now, and you are scared, but not in a way that hurts.

you are scared as background noise, cause you can’t tell, can’t know what will happen now.

and maybe the end is here, maybe something is about to fall, and there’s not much you can do about it.

you listen to this song, though, wherever you are now or will be in the future, and you think you like the music. you like that someone sat down and wrote it.

it’s not enough, but you make it be. just for now. just for a while.

[wmhalliwell]

ashlee’s gif making tutorial

@amysperalta​ has requested a gif making tutorial from me and i’m happy to oblige! everyone has a different way to gif and some ways don’t work for some people, so this is just how i personally make them. i’ve also never made a tutorial before, so let’s hope this doesn’t end badly.

this is the gif i’ll be making for the purposes of this tutorial:

things you’ll need:

a version of photoshop

some way to get frames from a video file (i’ll give some options)

patience

step 1: getting your frames

there are many, many ways to do this. there are multiple different programs to do this with (kmplayer, uplayer, gom player) but i personally use mpv (via @kylos​ lovely tutorial here; which i also highly recommend as a gif tutorial since it gives a different way to create a gif file) because my mac doesn’t accept any other type of program. 

note: BE SURE THAT WITH ANY PROGRAM YOU USE, IT IS SET TO SAVE EVERY FRAME. some people may lie to you and say a program grabbing every other or every third frame is fine, but it’s 2019 and we don’t do that any more. the tumblr gif limit is 3mb, which means we can have smooth, non-choppy gifs by gathering every frame from a scene.

okay, so i gather my frames, and typically keep them in a folder, separating scenes cut-by-cut so it’s easier to handle. for example: 

from there, i import them into photoshop using: File --> Scripts --> Load Files into Stack; this screen pops up, in which you browse for your frames hit OK. this will automatically upload all the frames into the same file for you. be patient! depending on how many frames you choose, it can take a few minutes to upload all of the frames.

i always save my work after every step. so once frames are uploaded i save the file. be sure to have “timeline” (or “animation” on some versions of photoshop) opened in your view. my photoshop looks like this when i open the file:

now, i’m going to click “Create Frame Animation” at the bottom. This will give me a timeline to work with at the bottom. Next step, go to the three little lines on the right side of the thingy that says “Timeline” and go through these steps: 

and then

now, you have a working gif! you can hit the little play button at the bottom left of the screen and it should play for you.

step two: cropping and sharpening

there is plenty you can do for sizes on tumblr. the general widths are 540px (big), 268px (normal) and 177/178px (small). it’s all a matter of the type of set you’re making. also be aware that the gif limit is 3mb. the bigger the gif, the fewer frames you can have. most of my 540px gifs have between 20-35 frames, while some of my 268px frames can have 75-90 depending on the coloring of the scene.

but for the purpose of this tutorial, i’m making one 268x160. i go to the crop key at the left side, and set my ration up top to 268 and 160.

then i crop the gif! (note: sometimes, files will have a black line on one side of a video file; typically the bottom or on one side. the black line will be no more than 2px big and sometimes hard to see until you’ve cropped it. be sure to drag the cropped area away from the edge of the files that have this dark line, as it when appears on the final gif and looks bad. one of my more recent sanditon gifsets fell to this and i didn’t realize until i had posted it. 😖)

now we have to size it. you do do this by going to Image --> Image Size or using the keyboard shortcut. it should automatically keep the aspect ratio, thus when you change width to 268, the height should change to 160 automatically. 

hit OK and now you have your base gif!

next, we’ll be sharpening and setting the frame rate, two very important things. to sharpen a gif, there is no way you want to go do it frame by frame, so you can use an action! these are really helpful. i have one i use for most gifs, and one i use for lesser quality. the one i use for this gif is this one here. to use this, you’ll have your photoshop open, you can go to your actions in your barthingy on the right by color swatches which should look like this:

click that and find the three grey lines at the top right. click them and this will pop up. you’ll go to “load actions” and then browse for the action you downloaded. 

once loaded, it will show up like this and have a nifty play button! 

make sure you click on/highlight the “play me!” line and then hit the play button on the bottom of the box. it will go through the motions for you and sharpen your gif. once that’s done, you can hit the big action button to close this box to get it out of the way. now, to set a frame rate, you’ll go down to the timeline and highlight all of the frames and then click while holding shift and this will pop up.

you’ll select “other” and type in “.05″. this is the most commonly used frame rate. most movies and tv shows will look fine using this for scenes, especially ones with subtitles, etc. for more artistic scenes, sometimes i’ll use “.06″ to slow it down just a hair. also make sure that your gifs are set the loop “forever”.

and there you go! a gif fully sharpened and moving at the proper speed:

this is also the time you can choose your frames. meaning if you uploaded like 200 frames and only wanted to use 50 of them, you can go through and delete them in the timeline. there’s a little trashcan button there.

note: once you’ve sharpened and set your frame ratio, be sure to go into your levels box and click the top frame. it is also useful to have the first frame in the timeline always highlighted as you’re editing the rest of the gif. 

step three: coloring

there are endless ways to color. there’s loads of people offering psd colorings. (psd means an editable photoshop file btw) you can also make your own. i have a whole slew of psds i’ve made for certain scenes that i’ve kept and reuse, tweaking each time. this isn’t a coloring tutorial, but i’ll show you a quick way to make a simple coloring. (i purposely chose a well lit scene for this gif tutorial for this reason. making dark scenes look good, or scenes with bad color balance is a whole other tutorial lol)

first off, make a folder above your frames. you can name it whatever you want; it will automatically call itself “group 1″. this is where you’ll be putting all of your coloring layers so they stay together and you can also save it to use again.

from here on out, we’ll be adding layers, using the half black/half white circle down at the bottom; just click on it and it’ll pull up a list of things you can use. note that when you add coloring layers, you start at the bottom and add other layers on top of it.

always start with “levels”. i lighten up almost every scene i gif, since it gives me the chance to play with contrast on my own terms.

then we’ll do a “selective color”; this one is just to set some blacks while giving contrast. be sure to select “blacks” at the top and change just what’s below:

most gifs also need some “color correction” at this point. (this is a layer you’ll keep coming back to to tweak as you add more above it fyi.) for this one, i’ll make it a bit more green and red.

the gif right now looks like this....which isn’t perfect, but i can see where it will get to from here:

now we’ll add a layer of 100% “vibrance”

not every gif needs 100% vibrance, but i tend to like how colors look when i use it and we can fix any weird colored skin in later steps. and now some curves for contrast:

the gif now looks like this:

which is much too yellow certainly, but gifs always look worse before they look better when it comes to coloring! next, we’ll make another layer of “selective colors”. this is when you’ll play with each color within the same selective color layer. i’m guessing i’ll utilize more blues and less yellows under “yellow” and “red” but let’s see what happens:

now it looks like this!

which is a lot better. i’ll probably up the blacks +10 (using the same selective color layer) just a bit so crowley can be his angsty self entirely. i also want to up the greens because i love bright gifs.

the great thing about selective colors is that they’re easy to manipulate. and you can even have multiple of them over one another to really zero in on one color. and if you find that you can’t get the gif to look right at all, you can also return to your color balance layer and tweak it until it looks better and is easier to manage.

so now, my finished gif looks like this: 

(this is not the most exciting gif ever, but it works to show how to play with colors in a well lit scene).

there is a number of other things i do/can be done in making gifs, but these are the basics. 

be sure to go to File --> Export --> Save for Web and follow my settings to save your gif. (there are many ways to save a gif, and each gif tutorial will give you different settings. i recommend trying them out and see which works best for you.) pay attention to the “bicubic” quality at the bottom. and when your gif is small enough (under 3mb), be sure to click on the “original” tab at the top and save it while on that screen.

and, because i’m feeling nice, let’s have a quick subtitles moment:

bonus step 4: subtitles

i know there are easier ways to make subtitles but this is how i do mine. using the ruler around your photoshop space, drag one vertical line over your gif. the program should automatically “snap” them to the middle of the gif to create your perfect center.

then take the text tool and write something in it, no matter where or what size, just so you have something to manipulate. you’ll find that it too will snap to the center to match the ruler line, giving you a centered text box! you can have it whatever distance you want from the bottom (don’t go too close or tumblr will cut it off) and then you can edit the text color/font/etc. these are my settings.

and i also have an added stroke and drop shadow to it which you can get to from Layer --> Layer Style:

and so it looks like this: 

it is important to add your text layer ABOVE your coloring folder, otherwise the coloring will affect the text. and it’s good to have different colors for different people talking.

i hope that all made sense! feel free to send me any questions (i’m sure i must have made you confused or missed a step or something), or if you have any other tutorials you’d like to request.

[writesandramblings]

The Captain’s Secret - p.98

“A Fate Worse Than Death”

A/N: Should... should I have titled the previous chapter "Defacing the Music" or would that have been too much? Ahaha... ha...

Three chapters left after this one.

Full Chapter List Part 1 - Objects in Motion << 97 - Facing the Music 99 - Sigh No More >>

They could not put Lorca in the brig for obvious reasons. They could not, for even more obvious reasons, put Groves there, either. "If we disabled all computer access in the lab, we can keep them there," concluded Saru.

Kumar took one look at the things Mischkelovitz had done in the walls and vetoed this idea. "I don't even know what half these mods are, but that's clearly mushroom stuff," he said when he pulled open the access panel nearest the door and saw the mess of mycelial tubing. "We need a full engineering team of experts, ideally the people who built this ship."

"Can you disable access in crew quarters?" asked Cornwell, remembering a complaint from Dr. Samaritan Li that had come across her desk many years back.

"Sure," said Kumar.

"Completely disabled. Not even emergency safeties."

"You got it, admiral."

The suggestion gave Saru pause. It seemed unethical. "Lorca has been recently injured," Saru said after Kumar was gone. "If there are complications..."

Lorca was not the only one who could communicate an entire symphony of disdain with a single glance. The look Cornwell gave Saru said in no uncertain terms that Lorca's survival was not only so far down the list of priorities it came somewhere after organizing a crew movie night, it was also just as optional.

Twenty minutes later, Kumar was done. "I even disconnected the toilet and shower controls just in case. They can only be triggered from the outside now." So far as he knew, these modifications were being made purely for the benefit of Groves and this was his little way of getting back at Groves for everything in null time. Had he known the same fate awaited Lorca, he would have been even more pleased.

"Perfect," said Cornwell. "Bring them out."

Lorca and Groves both objected to the move. "I'd rather be in the brig," said Lorca.

"Good for you," said Cornwell blandly.

"I'd rather he was in the brig, too," said Groves.

Cornwell did not dignify that with a response. "Transporter room—"

"Wait!" Groves shouted, throwing up his hands in desperation. "What are we supposed to do in there with no computer? Can I—can I at least get a violin? Saru!"

Saru looked at Groves with pity. "I will arrange one for you."

"Fan—"

"Energize," said Cornwell. Groves and Lorca vanished in a shimmer of light. Their disappearance did nothing to lighten her mood. "See to it that this place is taken care of and let me know the minute Lalana is awake."

"Yes, admiral."

Cadet Tilly was more than happy to make her own assessment of Mischkelovitz's modifications; she understood what they were better than anyone else. She also remembered how stridently Mischkelovitz had cautioned against anyone finding out the true nature of the system, so she kept her conversation informal as she poked around the walls. "Is it true she's not going to wake up?"

That was the greatest tragedy where Saru was concerned. If only he had convinced Lorca to send Mischkelovitz away all those months ago, the quirky scientist would still be with them today. "Unfortunately, it seems unlikely."

"Poor Mac—I mean, Colonel O'Malley. He lost his brother and now his sister, too."

Tilly was preoccupied enough with her assigned task that she did not see the dawning realization in Saru's posture. Saru himself did not have time to finish fully processing the implications.

"Pollard to Commander Saru. Sir, Dr. Mischkelovitz is awake!"

It was a miracle Pollard could not explain. "There was zero brain activity on my scans. A doctor from the Khorana came over and applied some sort of experimental protocol and now..." Pollard had gone to check on Mischkelovitz in the temporary surgical suite and saw the activity change on the monitor. According to the notations left by the other doctor on the chart, the patient was expected to make a full recovery as a result of this mysterious "protocol."

Mischkelovitz looked at Pollard and Saru, strangely sedate. "Can I go now?"

"I don't think that's wise," said Pollard. "I don't know if the protocol has any side effects, or even how it works. I'd like to monitor Dr. Mischkelovitz until further notice."

Mischkelovitz slid off the medical slab, opened one of the drawers set into the base, and pulled out a remote monitor. She slapped it onto her neck. "You're monitoring me. Now can I go?"

"Where is it you wish to go?" asked Saru.

"My quarters," was the answer. "I'm tired."

Pollard shook her head at Saru. Culber might have developed a rapport with Mischkelovitz but no one else on staff had and Mischkelovitz was a notoriously difficult patient. Pollard was more than happy to shift both the blame and responsibility for any decisions onto Saru.

"I believe Colonel O'Malley would prefer you to remain here," suggested Saru.

Mischkelovitz glanced over at O'Malley's still-sleeping form. "I don't want to and I'm going to go."

"Very well, you may go and sleep, but I will expect a full report on the modifications you have made to your lab and the admiral may have questions for you. I know I do. Report to me once you are rested."

"Yes," said Mischkelovitz, glancing at Saru's collar. "Commander."

As Mischkelovitz walked out of sickbay, Saru thought it felt like things had gone back to the way they were when he first met her.

They materialized in the quarters Groves had formerly shared with Larsson. "—tastic, thank... damn it." Groves flopped down on the bed to the right with a sigh. "You can have Larsson's bed," he said, as if this were some form of hospitality and not the most obvious thing in the world.

The quarters were abysmally small. Two beds, a bit of storage space for each, a shared desk, and a meager bathroom. Lorca had assigned this exact ensign double to all the Lab 26 personnel as a preemptively punitive measure and now he was bearing the brunt of the indignity. Curiously, there was already a guitar on Groves' side of the room, rendering the violin a questionable necessity.

"They could've at least sent my clothes," grumbled Lorca, rummaging for a shirt among Larsson's things. Disappointingly, most of what Larsson had was white and all of it was entirely too big.

Groves rolled his eyes at Lorca's intrusion into Larsson's belongings and grabbed something from his own closet. "That would have tipped more people off. Here."

The shirt on offer was red. "Got anything black?" Groves handed Lorca a black t-shirt that had a strange white bug creature printed on it made out of little cubes. "What the hell is this?"

Groves stared impassively. "You don't know Space Invaders? And here I thought my childhood was deprived. How about I..." Groves remembered he was cut off from the computer and began swearing profusely—in English for once.

"Jesus, Groves," said Lorca in a mix of disparagement and mild admiration when the colorful tirade finally ended a full minute later. "Pants?"

Groves pulled all his clothing drawers open in an angry frenzy. "Whatever! Just take it all! I don't care!" Then he got back onto his bed and sulked.

They were barely five minutes in and this was already unbearable.

Lorca noted a certain bareness to Larsson's side of the room. The Swede had little in the way of personal effects, but most of what he did have on display were pictures of himself on various worlds, often with a freshly-caught fish or similar bit of sea fauna dangling on a line. In one image, he was eating dinner with Yoon and Morita. In another, he was laughing and Lalana was clinging to his back with the expression of a deer in headlights because that was essentially the only facial expression she had. Looking closely, though, it was possible to make out the mid-click position of her tongue.

By some miracle there was a single printed book in the room. Unfortunately it turned out to be a vanity copy of the one Larsson had written, Gates of Hell: An In-Depth History of the Uanar-Barosic Wars [2066-2079]. Lorca opened it up and read the dedication. To the best Captain I ever had I dedicate this book. Somehow, Larsson had managed to construct an eleven-word run-on sentence. The rest of the book's prose matched the dedication entirely save for the major difference that most of the other sentences were very, very long indeed. Lorca put the tome back down. He was not yet desperate enough to slog through it.

Out of nowhere, Groves asked, "Do you ever get the urge to just smash something into your face?"

Lorca stared. "No."

"Huh. Guess it's just me."

Grimacing, Lorca laid down and closed his eyes. When he opened them again it was to the sound of a violin being tuned and the cloying smell of sweet potatoes. He sat up, lip twitching in annoyance.

"They beamed in some dinner," Groves informed him. One of the trays was already eaten and the other was missing something from one of the compartments. "I took your dessert. I'd say sorry, but..."

Lorca decided not to take the bait and scooped up a spoonful of cold, orange mush. He lifted it a few inches into the air and turned the spoon sideways, watching the watery goop drip back down into the pile on the tray. It fell a little short of the meal quality he was accustomed to. "This isn't food. Isn't even a meal. There's no meat."

"Don't complain," said Groves, plucking the violin strings with his fingernail and adjusting the tuning. "You're getting off scot-free thanks to me. Cornwell bought the whole 'keep this quiet or we're all screwed' angle."

"You say that like it isn't true," noted Lorca, feeling this finally confirmed his suspicions.

"Oh, it's true. You'd better start accepting it, too, 'cause you're just smart enough to be a danger to yourself if you start getting any more grandiose ideas, and you're definitely a danger to all of us. Every single person who helps you ends up worse off. Lalana, Melly, Mac. Now me. You're human cancer. I liked the other Lorca better."

Lorca shot Groves a wry frown. "You never met the man."

"Yeah, but he killed himself. That I can understand." Groves tucked the violin against his cheek and began to play.

To Lorca's surprise, Groves was good. Very good. Unfortunately, the tune he was playing was little more than a fluttering arrangement of tiny, tinny notes that repeated over and over endlessly. It clearly required technical precision, and there was something momentarily beautiful about it, but the beauty faded into repetitive annoyance. "What the hell is that?"

"Fratres, sort of," said Groves, not missing a single note. If anything, he started playing it even faster. "It was my brother's favorite. I used to play it for him for hours."

"Well I hate it, so I'm telling you to stop."

"In a minute."

"No, now."

Groves turned his back to Lorca and went even faster. The notes became pinpricks, almost too fast to follow. Groves' arms shook violently at the intense effort.

Lorca flicked a spoonful of orange mush at Groves' back. He heard the tiniest squeak of a missed note, nothing more. He debated throwing the whole tray but, as bad as the food was, he needed to eat, so he reached down for one of his boots instead. That stopped the music in its tracks.

"Just for that," said Groves as he turned back, "I'm doing this the easy way." He went over by the door and resumed playing with his fingers so high up on the fingerboard they were almost to the bridge. This time, the sound was not a rapid succession of notes forming any sort of tune but a long, sustained series of high-pitched scraping noises.

It was excruciating. Lorca covered his ears. "Knock it off, Groves! You call that music!?"

"No, you idiot. I'm trying to hack the computer."

"With a violin?"

"Yeah. I can't whistle loud enough at the right pitch to pierce the door, but if I can get the strings just right, I can generate a sound wave that the computer will interpret as a command and then it's off to the races."

Lorca stared. "You're kidding."

"Nah, I'm just that good."

Lorca suspected Groves was lying and just making the noise to annoy him, but it was hardly the craziest thing someone had proposed in the past seventy-two hours and Groves was a bastion of sanity compared to Mischkelovitz. Lorca decided to bear it for a few minutes.

The initial attempt seemed to dissatisfy Groves. He retuned his strings and tried again. There was a pinging snap as one broke. Another adjustment, another attempt.

Groves struck a particularly egregious, painful high note that felt like the audio equivalent of bright lights and Lorca exclaimed in pain. "Sorry," said Groves, almost sounding sincere. He played the note again, even more sharply this time.

The door opened.

"Holy," began Lorca, amazed, but his amazement and Groves' elation faded quickly when they saw Mischkelovitz standing in the doorway.

Or at least, for a moment they thought they did.

"Ne'he kratis-kolht!" gasped Groves, violin and bow falling slackly to his side.

There was no flicker of understanding in Mischkelovitz's eyes. There was no flicker of anything, because while they may have been her eyes, the mind behind them was not. Instead there was a darkness, intense and enduring. She ignored Groves and addressed Lorca. "I'll have that tooth now."

"Petra," said Lorca.

Groves took a step back. He had seen Petrellovitz over the bridge feed when she first arrived on Discovery and been shocked by all her scars. He had also heard the news of her demise at the hands of L'Rell in the cargo bay. The woman in the doorway was impossible on two counts.

She also seemed not to recognize her own brother, which meant it was true. Emellia Petrellovitz had never seen what John Groves looked like when he was grown because she had killed her version of him almost twenty years ago. She failed to even register the resemblance between the man standing to her right and the boy whose last independent act had been to lunge at her with a kitchen knife as she sliced his arms off with an industrial fabrication laser.

Groves stepped away from her, backing straight into the wall. The violin and bow fell from his hands and clattered onto the floor. His mind raced as he tried to figure out how Petrellovitz had come to be here. None of the possibilities he came up with were remotely good.

The tooth was in the pocket of the blood-caked Terran uniform pants draped neatly across the back of the desk chair. Lorca retrieved it and held it out to Petrellovitz. "Here."

She darted forward, greedily snatching the tooth, but her focus on her prize was so all-encompassing she missed the look of determination on Lorca's face and realized too late that he had used the tooth to lure her in.

Lorca grabbed Petrellovitz's wrist, pulling her towards him and wrapping her in an embrace that pinned her arms to her sides. He had used the same move on Georgiou during the fight in the throne room, but this time, it felt like he had taken an ice pick to the chest as she slammed against him because he essentially had. He gasped painfully as his vision swam with spots. "Help me!" he wheezed at Groves.

Groves took one look at the squirming form of his not-sister and shook his head. "I'm not getting kicked again!" Apparently one physical altercation with his sister was enough to make him gun-shy forever.

Petrellovitz did kick, but only into the air, unbalancing Lorca and sending them both crashing back against the floor. A line appeared on Petrellovitz's neck as the seam of her new flesh tore.

"I'm gonna—I'll get Saru!" decided Groves, dashing out the open door. A second later he reappeared, hitting the external controls to seal Lorca and Petrellovitz in.

Petrellovitz struggled furiously and began to twist with the intent of kicking against the bed—a move that would seriously threaten the makeshift repairs in Lorca's chest. The anguished hiss of his breathing became a desperate whisper into her ear. "Petra! Petra, calm down!"

He released her and she bounced away. He rolled over onto his side in pain, inhaling shakily through clenched teeth and holding the breath until he felt in control again. When he exhaled, it was calmly. Then he sat up, resting his arms on his knees.

There was a smear of red across the white space invader on Lorca's borrowed shirt and a matching stain of red down the white of Petrellovitz's stolen Starfleet uniform. Petrellovitz herself would not have called it stolen because it fit as perfectly as if it had been tailor-made for her, just like Mischkelovitz's skin. How could you steal what was clearly meant to belong to you?

"You idiot," she scowled at him, pressing a hand to the gash on her neck. "Now they know it's me!"

"Believe me, Groves was halfway to that conclusion when you didn't answer him at the door."

The scowl twisted with annoyance. "Groves?" She recognized Corinne Narvic's maiden name and put the pieces together. Groves entirely had his mother's coloration: the same dusky brown skin, dark eyes, and dark hair. "You're telling me that's Johnny?"

Lorca shrugged and smirked. "Listen up. We don't have much time. How soon can you get your little mushroom transporter going again?"

"I'm done with mushrooms," said Petrellovitz, scanning the floor and spotting the tooth. It had landed under the bed in the scuffle. She crawled under to retrieve it.

"Unless you know of a better way for us to get back..."

"Back?" repeated Petrellovitz as she reemerged with the tooth. "Why the hell would I want to go back. For that matter, why do you?"

"Our people are counting on us."

Petrellovitz stared. "You lost, Gabriel. I'm not interested in watching you pick up the pieces or getting captured again because of you."

"Petra, you know me. I'll find a way. We can do it together, like Michael would've wanted. You can rule as an empress if you want. I'll back you."

"My god, you are pathetic. Good luck with that. I'm not helping you. I have research to do." She slipped the tooth into her pocket and stood up.

The door opened. Groves had returned with Saru.

"Commander!" exclaimed Petrellovitz in a voice an octave and a half higher than Lorca had ever heard her use. "Thank goodness you're here! I came to see my brother and he pushed me and said I was from the other universe! I'm not from the other universe. Here, you can scan me!" She pulled her sleeve partway up her right arm, offering it to Saru for inspection.

"Your brother is in sickbay," said Saru, confused.

"Other brother," offered Lorca, momentarily glad to see someone else on the other side of the reveal for once. He could see now why Groves enjoyed the mislead so much. It was so stupid and obvious in retrospect.

Saru was audibly bitter. "Mr. Groves."

"I..." Groves looked at the stranger masquerading as his sister and realized he was facing a dilemma. They both knew she was lying. They also both knew Mischkelovitz was gone and never coming back and there was nothing Groves could do to change this, except maybe lie like both their lives depended on it. "I'm sorry, Mischka. I thought... I guess I was wrong."

With a deep breath, Saru informed "Mischkelovitz" that, as innocent as her intentions were, she was not to be in this room. "Then can I speak to my brother for a moment?" she asked. "I promise I'll leave after and I won't come back."

"You may have five minutes," granted Saru.

The semisweet façade faded the moment Saru was gone. "You didn't have to do that," said Petra darkly.

"Yeah, well," said Groves, turning away from her. "You didn't trigger Saru's ganglia so I guess you're not a threat."

"Stay out of my way and that will remain true."

Lorca grunted as he used the table to heave himself back up. "So that's it? You're just gonna stay here and play pretend?"

"It's a clean slate," said Petrellovitz. "It's not pretend."

"These people are on the verge of losing a war against the Klingons."

"Whether they do or not doesn't matter. Humans, Klingons, money, power, love. All of these things are fleeting. Only science is eternal. You got in the way of my science, Gabriel, you and Michael both, with your piddling little power struggles and politics. All I ever wanted to do was pursue my research and everyone's always getting in the way. Not here. Here, I'm free to create a legacy that will stand the test of time. And they'll let me do it, too. Either side, whoever wins, will have a place for me. I'm only sorry I stuck with you as long as I did." She realized now, had she gone through the transporter herself instead of sending him, she could have had this universe months ago. She banged her fist twice on the door and Saru let her out. Out of the five minutes she had been given, she had barely used one.

Lorca could have called after her, tried to convince her with new promises and platitudes, but he knew it was pointless. Petrellovitz was gone and she was never coming back to him. The only reason she had stuck with Lorca to begin with was his promise of unfettered access to whatever research projects she wanted. For years that arrangement had worked for her, but now he could not provide any such access and she had no use for him.

Lorca sat down on Larsson's bed and pressed his face into his hands. Groves watched with wary concern. It was impossible to read the intent of Lorca's face when his expression was covered. Then Lorca shuddered as he inhaled and Groves realized he did not need Lorca's face to know what the former captain was presently feeling.

"I'm sorry," said Groves, and for the first time, he meant it.

"Don't you pity me!" spat Lorca.

Groves sat down opposite Lorca. "Never," he said. He reached under his pillow and pulled out something wrapped in a hand towel. "I think this is yours."

It was a cookie. Not the fortune kind, the regular sort with chocolate chips, purloined from Lorca's dinner tray. Groves had not eaten it, merely tucked it away to save for later.

Sighing, Lorca took the cookie and broke off a morsel. "You know, Saru's ganglia aren't infallible. I never tripped 'em."

"Why would you? You weren't actually a threat to us. I mean, you've done a lot of crap, but in your own way, you were trying to help."

The cookie did not offer the same comfort as its fortune-filled cousin. "I thought I was human cancer."

"Cancer is just cell growth gone awry," said Groves with a shrug. "Perfectly natural and necessary part of life. Anyway, I had to play along. Think about it. If we don't match history closely enough, we'll disappear just like the holo-recording did. History says you died. History also says Emellia lived long enough to record something that no longer exists. Which means..."

Which meant nothing Lorca did for the rest of his life would make a mark in history. It was his destiny to die a forgotten echo of another man, doing nothing, being nothing.

John Allan stepped out from the wall and was confronted by his own disappointment. Lab 26 was empty, exactly as it should have been at this point in history, but some part of him had hoped it would be otherwise.

After twelve years on this assignment, it was hard to let go. He had learned the hard way that history had a way of surprising you and he would have liked one last surprise. A chance to say a real goodbye.

He was still dressed in the Terran uniform he had been wearing at the moment of his exposure as a temporal agent. On some level, the black suited him. Temporal agents were supposed to be like shadows, watching and safeguarding history without being entangled in it, and the uniform made him look the part even if he had failed miserably at being a shadow in the end.

Literally at the end. Twelve years and no one had suspected a thing. At least now he knew why "John Allan" disappeared from the historical record during Discovery's time in the mirror universe. That had always been a question mark with this assignment. Now he knew it was because he had been exposed.

Allan had failed to be a perfect shadow, but he had completed both his mission objectives: first, to guard the scientists Mischkelovitz, progenitors of the research and development of temporal stasis field technology (a crucial advantage in the temporal war and subsequently a banned technology), and second, to bring back the data from Discovery's jaunt in the mirror universe, because on that count, the historical record was severely lacking. Now the future would have a full record of events from someone who had lived them. History had helpfully even preselected the man for the job centuries before his own birth.

With a full copy of Discovery security archives prior to the wipe in his pocket, Allan finally had everything he needed to report in and no further reason to stay here.

So why was this so hard? He touched a finger to Mischkelovitz's desk.

As he wondered this, the transceiver in his dental implant vibrated in alert, signaling the arrival of another agent. A shimmer of black materialized in front of him.

No, not another agent. He stared at his own face in surprise.

They were both wearing the black uniforms of the Terran Empire. For a moment Allan worried he had brought back his mirror counterpart, but something in the other Allan's eyes told him he was looking at himself.

"Hey," they both said at the same time, which was all the confirmation either of them needed to know where they stood.

The second Allan was holding a portable jumper in his hands. These were highly controlled devices typically issued only to transit agents, not active assets, because the danger of such devices falling into the wrong hands was tremendous. "I remember standing where you are," said the second Allan. "Which is why I know it's time for me to give you this." He held out the jumper.

Allan took it, confused. "Why?"

Allan II held up a silver holodisc. "Because of this."

The message was as confusing to Allan as it was miraculous. "Mischka in the winter, okay, but bells and pots...?"

"Null time," supplied Allan II.

"Ah!" It made perfect sense in context. Add a chronitic contaminant to the spore canisters. Allan smiled.

"The destinations are already preset. Here's the Crestian flu for Chaudhuri and the T-nox agent for the spores. Careful not to confuse them. I know you won't, I just had to say it because I remember hearing it. Safe trip."

The first Allan vanished. A second later he walked out from the wall. "You lied," he said, holding up the holodisc. "Where did this come from?"

The other Allan smiled. "The original timeline." He shook his head, overtly pleased for having succeeded in tricking himself so thoroughly. "It was brilliant, really. Do you see how she did it? How we did it?"

"You're not me," said Allan. He had figured it out when he was standing in front of the spore canisters and realized the only way he could have pinpointed the exact date and time she referred to as "the time the lights went out" was if he had lived something that matched what she described, and he hadn't.

There was also no way the recording could exist if they were in a closed loop which had never required the message's creation; like energy, temporal information had to come from somewhere. That meant the loop was not closed.

"No," confirmed the other Allan. "I'm not. I'm an echo from another timeline. A timeline where it took Melly thirty more years to finish Milosz's work and develop the temporal stasis field. That was her great contribution to history. She did it here, too, but thirty years sooner. Passing her own research notes back to herself. End result: no discernible change to the outcome of history."

Allan's eyes teared up because even if Mischkelovitz had not changed her role in history, her fate had been drastically altered and that mattered a great deal to him.

Allan II continued, "I actually tried to do the changes myself, but when I went to make the first one, I saw you doing it instead. Turns out I didn't need to do anything, I just needed to tell you to. The question was, when? Then I realized I just had to scan for the point where the jumper was active twice. This point here. So now, can I have my jumper back?"

Allan considered that.

"Come on," said the other Allan, beckoning with his hand. "It is mine. And they'll retrieve you when you activate your transponder."

Allan wasn't sure if he trusted himself. To him, this felt like his mirror counterpart. "What are you going to use it for?"

"I'm going to give that bastard a piece of my mind."

There was no need to ask what bastard the other Allan was referring to. Allan desperately wanted to give Lorca a piece of his mind, too. This way, it would be like he was, even if he wasn't the one delivering the message personally. He handed the jumper back to the other Allan. "Do me a favor, will you?"

"For you?" smirked the other Allan, because of course he was willing to do a favor for himself. "Anything!"

"Tell him I'll never forgive him for what he did to Melly."

"You got it. Do me a favor and don't tell anyone I exist?" Allan II activated his jumper and was gone.

The Allan who had been born into and participated in this version of the timeline lingered in the lab, wondering how the other version of him could be satisfied with causing this version of events. Lorca alive, Mischkelovitz dead and skinned, three monsters from the mirror universe roaming free in their universe. How could this possibly be an improvement on the original events? He took a moment to compose himself before activating his transponder for remote retrieval.

But then, the other Allan had only intersected with the timeline in this universe briefly. Once to see himself performing the necessary changes, once to deliver the instructions. He had not been hiding on Discovery and watching events unfold in real-time and seen the truth. So far as he knew from his scan of the historical record, Lorca was dead, Mischkelovitz had recovered from an injury caused by her implants, and everything had turned out the same in the end.

That was the information the temporal remnant known as John Allan had happily taken as justification to jump back and accompany Discovery to the mirror universe again. After all, he had a jumper and no one in this timeline knew he existed. Why not take the opportunity to torment the tyrannical Terran captain in the hours before his death? After that, he could go anywhere he wanted in time and, so long as he kept his head down, witness firsthand all of his favorite historical events. It was a time traveler's dream come true.

In the end, neither John Allan truly understood the nuances of time travel. All they could do was act according to the information they had, as they had always been fated to do.

Part 99

[junker-town]

How soon can we expect the NFL rookie QBs to start?

Photo by Logan Bowles/NFL via Getty Images

We know Trevor Lawrence will get the nod early, but what about the rest of the class?

With the 2021 NFL schedule now released and our games we’re looking forward to highlighted, we can now turn our attention to what might happen this season. There’s plenty of prognostication to be done on whether teams will be good or bad, and who might be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in February, but for some of the worst NFL teams from a year ago fans are now anxiously awaiting seeing their new QBs debut.

Five quarterbacks were taken in the first 15 picks of the 2021, second only to 1983 when six passers were taken in the first round. That ‘83 draft gave us legends like John Elways, Dan Marino, and Jim Kelly — but also Todd Blackledge, Tony Eason, and Ken O’Brien, massive disappointments when compared to the trio of Hall of Famers. Time will tell where the class of 2021 fits in NFL history, but we can shed some pretty reasonablt guesses on when these rookies will suit up and start.

Trevor Lawrence, Jacksonville Jaguars

This one is a very easy lock. Unless something dramatic happens in training camp, we’ll be seeing Lawrence from Week 1. It might be a little early to jettison Gardner Minshew this quickly, but ever since Jacksonville secured the No. 1 overall pick they’ve been looking to a future with Lawrence under center.

Prospects from this class largely fell into two camps: The NFL ready, and the risky upside projects. Lawrence split the middle perfectly, offering the capability of starting from day one, and plenty of room to grow in the league and become even better than he is now.

Projected start: Week 1

Zach Wilson, New York Jets

I’ll be the first to say I’m not the biggest Wilson fan as a prospect. In scouting him prior to the draft I saw the flashes of ability people are believing in, but also some worrying habits that need to be coached out. He loves to throw up 50/50 passes and put faith in his receivers, which is awesome if you’re playing for BYU against terrible opponents and know your receivers have the athletic edge, but it’s going to be almost impossible to do that reliabily in the NFL. Also I notice a tendency to take off and invent his own play a little too often, rather than go through his full progression.

That said, the Jets have faith in Wilson — and literally have no other quarterback on the roster. This will change before the start of the season, but unless Wilson severely struggles in training camp the team seem comfortable throwing him out there and seeing if he can sink or swim

Projected start: Week 1

Trey Lance, San Francisco 49ers

After months of rumors about which way the 49ers would go in the draft, they ended up going with the upside potential of Trey Lance over the NFL-ready, low ceiling Mac Jones.

There’s a lot to link about Lance’s potential in the NFL, but he’s not quite ready to put a team on his shoulders yet. With the Niners having Jimmy Garopollo under contract there’s freedom to sit Lance for a year and let him learn the system, but something tells me they’ll grow impatient.

I don’t believe San Francisco has enough tools to win consistently with Jimmy G under center, and they don’t either — otherwise they wouldn’t have traded up for Lance. I think he rides the bench for a few weeks, then gets the nod.

Projected start: Week 7

I see a perfect place here to make the transition. The 49ers will be coming off a bye week, then have a long week of practice before facing the Colts on Sunday Night Football. The Colts are good, no doubt, but this is the kind of perfect mid-tier game to put a quarterback in. This gives Lance a couple of months to show what he can do, then be ready for 2022.

I asked Kyle Posey at Niners Nation for his thoughts on when Trey Lance will start.

“The big question among 49ers fans is when will Trey Lance take over for Jimmy Garoppolo? Everyone has Week 8 circled on the schedule, and for a good reason. On Halloween, there’s a potential matchup between the Chicago Bears first-round pick, Justin Fields and Lance.

It would be a surprise if Lance were to start Week 1. While he was the No. 3 overall selection and San Francisco traded multiple first-rounders for the former North Dakota State product, making the jump from the FCS to the NFL without having played a full season the year prior is a difficult adjustment for anybody.The 49ers’ bye week is during Week 6. That’s a natural landing spot for when most teams make the transition to a rookie signal-caller. There are several variables at play here, though. Many expect Lance to have a “package” where he plays anywhere between five and 15 plays a game. The more successful Lance is during his early playing time, the sooner we could see the future of the 49ers under center.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t factor in Jimmy Garoppolo’s injury history. If we do that, it’s unfair to ignore the scenario where Jimmy G plays well enough to where the Niners don’t consider messing up the chemistry they have on offense.When do we see Lance as the full-time starter? The best-case scenario would be around the bye week so that he’s able to get some playing time under his belt. While the Lions and Eagles aren’t scaring anybody, there will always be a concern when you start a rookie Week 1. Lance would have to be really, really good to unseat Jimmy G to start the season.”

Justin Fields, Chicago Bears

One of the best picks of the 2021 draft, the Bears made the bold decision to move up and find their quarterback of the future. A lot of people feel Fields needs to sit for a long time to adjust to the NFL after coming from a pass-happy Ohio State offense that made life easy for quarterbacks, but I think these hesitations are a little overblown.

While I do agree sitting Fields is the best move to start, I think the team, and fans will demand getting to see their hot new rookie — especially after enduring week after week of boring Andy Dalton football. The only potential stumbling block is if Chicago regains their 2020 form and looks like a playoff team during the first half of the season. I could see the potential there for the team to want to keep the status quo, rather than make a switch.

For now I’m going to operate under the assumption that Dalton, like he’s been his whole career, isn’t good enough to get the job done.

Projected start: Week 12

I am too in love with this scenario. Can you imagine Justin Fields getting his first start against the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day? The Bears front office might be afraid of throwing him into a national game with everyone watching, but if he’s been impressing in practice this could be the perfect time to cement his legacy. The Lions are also a soft spot in the back-end of Chicago’s schedule, so this makes a lot of sense.

I asked Lester Wiltfong of Windy City Gridiron to tell me when he thinks we’ll see Justin Fields.

“With an actual offseason of camps and preseason happening this year, we all should get a good glimpse of Justin Fields’ talent, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see him win the QB1 job from Andy Dalton. That isn’t the Bears’ plan right now, but plans have a way of changing once the players get on the field. Head coach Matt Nagy says they’ll be smart with his development, that they’ll bring him along at a good pace for him and the team, but that the player that gives the Bears the best chance to win will be the starting quarterback. Fans are somewhat split on the sit or start debate right now, but in my opinion there is only one correct answer. Justin Fields should play when he shows he’s ready to play. Whether that’s week 1 or week 18, once he’s ready, he’s the man.”

Mac Jones, New England Patriots

Like peanut butter and jelly, spaghetti and meatballs, and the entire cast of The Golden Girls, the most pro-ready quarterback in the draft heading to a team that will know how to use him just fits together perfectly.

That said, I don’t think Bill Belichick will feel the pressure of committing to Jones as a starter from the jump. Yes, this is a different situation to 2001 when Tom Brady took over for Drew Bledsoe due to injury, because Jones was taken with a 1st round pick, I still think with Cam Newton on the roster they’ll have time to let Jones sit and learn. Heck, maybe even build up his frame a little.

Honestly, I think Newton might struggle again in 2021. He just doesn’t look like the same player he was in Carolina prior to injury. It’s crushing, but it is what it is.

Projected start: Week 15

It’s a long wait until the Patriots bye week, but it makes the most sense here. There’s no need to rush the process, especially if New England is out of the playoff picture, so give Jones a month to get used to the league.

Here’s what Bernd Buchmasser of Pats Pulpit said about Jones starting.

“You don’t draft a player 15th overall to have him sit on the bench — especially if that player is a quarterback. The expectation is that he will become the face of your franchise at one point. Mac Jones is obviously no exception, but while he will be the guy one day there is no guarantee he’ll take over as the Patriots’ QB1 as early as 2021. With Cam Newton returning to play in an offense with a significantly improved supporting cast (at least on paper), the team can afford to be patient with the less experienced Jones. Sure, he will get his chances to prove himself throughout the season, but as long as Bill Belichick thinks Newton gives his team the best chance to win he will be the starter.”

[todaylifeisgood]

Hana hou!

“Hana hou” means “again” or “once more”. You hear it at the end of a good concert in Hawai’i the way you might hear “Encore” elsewhere. 

2008

I was interested in learning more about blogging and social media so I created a WordPress blog. Mostly I wanted to learn the mechanics but I also needed some interesting content. I’ve always been a cup-half-full kinda guy; more interested in the good news that doesn’t always make headlines. I figured that would work.

I wanted to call it LifeIsGood.com, but that domain and many derivatives were taken. I ended up with, TodayLifeIsGood.com. The “today” part made it feel more present. This moment is good. “Today, life is good.”

I learned about hashtags, image attribution, and Creative Commons copyright licenses. I promoted books through Amazon that paid me a few cents per purchase as an Amazon affiliate. I moved the blog to TypePad and learned how TypePad works. After a while, I moved it to Tumblr and learned how Tumblr works. It was great. Just what I’d hoped for.

It wasn’t always easy keeping the blog current, but I did ok. Sometimes I stressed when I didn’t feel I was doing enough or thought that the content was quirky. 

Looking for the good in the world to create new content, though, was kinda cool. It fit right into the “what you focus on expands” mindset. 

It was fun for a while, then I got busy, slowed down, stopped posting and thought of it rarely.

2020

#coronavirus #COVID19

It’s March 21, 2020, and every day of the last ten days or so have been just a bit crazier than the day before. Work keeps me busy and focused but two nights ago I realized I was a little scared by the empty grocery store shelves -- for groceries that were not toilet paper or hand sanitizer. 

I felt better when I read a Facebook post by Matthew Ferrara. I shared it on my work Intranet and some co-workers thanked me for it and asked if they could share it. I felt better reading my cousin Cie’s “good news” posts. She tags them #UseYourPowersWisely.

I remembered my old blog -- the perfect to balance the informative NPR updates. I’m going to keep an eye out for good news and post here. 

Take a break from the headlines from time to time and if you find it helpful to look for the good, share your good news: https://todaylifeisgood.com/submit.

Hana Hou!

Chuck

https://todaylifeisgood.com

_______________________________

Matthew Ferrara

March 18 at 9:54 AM

May I hang some lights at the end of the tunnel?

PROGRESS is being made every day on this crisis. For example, a New York Times article that originally quoted a "dire model" has been updated to say: "Projections based on C.D.C. scenarios show a potentially vast toll. But those numbers don’t account for interventions now underway."

That one sentence makes a big difference - because it changes “endless uncertainty” by hanging a light at the end of the tunnel.

And that’s exactly what scientists, medical experts, researchers, government and private companies and most of all - YOU are doing - to intervene!

I’ve been collecting these lights for the last few days, and thought I’d share some here, some of which are finally starting to circulate in the media:

* Scientists in Seattle delivered the first rounds of a potential coronavirus vaccine to several dozen volunteers this week * Industry is taking action around the world. Distilleries and cosmetics companies are switching production to hand sanitizer to donate free to hospitals, schools and high risk communities. * Manufacturers like 3M has put 650 people to work ramping up medical mask output (CNBC) and Ventilator manufacturer Ventec says they can increase production five-fold - to 1000 a month - in a three month period (Forbes). * Johns Hopkins researchers are using antibodies from recovered patients - a longstanding technique - to create new therapies * University of Queensland scientists found two different medications that are currently available completely wiped out traces of the disease in test tubes * Retailers like Safeway, Target, Whole Foods, Walmart and Dollar General are devoting special hours for elderly customers. Major employers worldwide like Facebook, sports leagues and local companies like Wynn Hotels continue to pay their workers. Amazon is even HIRING 100,000 extra people nationwide. * Utility companies and internet providers are waiving limits, fees, payments and cancellations. Local utilities are halting water or electricity shutoffs. HUD, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and local landlords are suspending foreclosures and evictions. * The US Military is mobilizing resources like 5 million masks and 2,000 ventilators and full-scale hospital ships to supplement state and local health services - plus dozens of military research labs. * New cases of the virus in China, South Korea and others have even started to fall - without any new medications or vaccines yet.

It’s important to realize that YOU are a light at the end of the tunnel, too. YOU aren't standing still - doing your part by working from home, minimizing public contact and staying optimistic. All together these efforts are changing those initial computer projections, because they didn’t account for our INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT to WIN.

Yes, unlike a snowstorm which we know melts after a few days, the finish line for this crisis isn't in sight yet. That’s a huge uncertainty in the darkness.

But there are lights already in the tunnel! History is a series of great victories over adversity by individuals, nations and the world. Or, as someone who lives in Las Vegas, I like to simply say this about humanity:

"Never bet against the house!"

_______________________________

Photo by visuals on Unsplash. 

[cosmosogler]

hi guys.

today i got up reallllllllly late just because i didn’t see a reason to get up earlier. i watched a whole lotta youtube! i made some great mac and cheese for brunch. i looked at clouds out the window and saw that basically all my neighbors have their windows covered. maybe they left town for the holiday. i goofed around with snoopy and dug through my clothes to look for some light jackets and my other jeans. i did find another pair! i could do with one more but i have plenty of other pants i can wear. 

i’m just really into the blue jeans. you know how it is.

blue jeans with a red coat. that’s been My Look for a few years. yes.

i’m not SAYING barry bluejeans is the best, but you can clearly see the evidence.

anyway goofing aside i guess i spent the day being very chill and quiet. i don’t know if it was deliberately “self care” or anything like that but i did feel very lethargic. when oz got home from work we called and i found a nice upload of ferngully to watch. i liked it when i got to say “time for another musical number” every ten minutes. we didn’t realize until 40 minutes into the movie that the image was flipped. we ended up making a couple of nostalgia critic references and that was fun too.

after that we just caught up for a while. it was nice. i feel like i’m forgetting what it’s like to have known someone for years and years and i forget that some people have also known ME for years and years now. oz, some of my followers... classmates on facebook, even though i don’t talk to them regularly. it’s bizarre, almost. that i existed before coming here i guess. 

i know!! like wow, right???

the way i worded it to oz was that i have lost a lot of people that were very important to me this last year. it might just be easier to have kind of hazy distant memories. at least right now. i don’t have time to get upset about it. 

i mean, i am still upset about it, but i also recognize that i do not have time to be upset about it.

although mostly i just think my thinking is muddled right now because i’m sick and stuffy and my brain always finds that unacceptable. it’s like being sick pushes out any room or capability i might normally have for thinking about anything at all.

i’m still not really... feeling the absence of my grandma pearl in my life right now. it took a long time for it to settle in that my grandpa al had died previously. it just comes to me in little bits and pieces. “oh. i’m never going to get a letter from pearl again.” “ah yes, the picture of my grandma and grandpa. i love them. they are good. oh. they were good.”

considering that i lived with my dogs and saw them every day and it took me basically a year for it to register that jake and randi were dead and i could have spent more time with them and i didn’t... this isn’t too surprising i guess.

i mean i knew it before that. i saw randi’s body a few hours after the last time i had scratched her behind the ear. i let them take jake into the back of the vet’s office. it’s not that i didn’t know and it’s not that i wasn’t hurting. but to feel all of it at once it took a year.

it still hurts though haha.

anyway after i hung up with oz i swept the floor and cleaned the toilet one more time. i need to do something about that. maybe later. i’ll see about getting the right kind of cleaner for the pipes while mother is here.

then mom and my brother were here. i let them into my apartment and showed my brother around. 

“i like the single danimals in your fridge,” my brother said.

“yes,” i replied. “he keeps me company. and the skeleton.” i pointed at the wooden skeleton over the keyboard. mom sighed because it’s like the only thing i have hung on the wall. the other thing i have hung up on the wall is a light-up plaque that reads “The Struggle Is Real” in cursive over my kitchen table.

at dinner i got my brother to laugh pretty hard just by giving him a Look when mom placed her peppers on an extra plate. it felt good to have that level of communication. 

the joke is that one time at mexican food we both tried to eat those yellow peppers at the same time and both died on the spot.

mom did a few annoying things. she complained to me about how fat some of the people on the plane were. she also told a story about how unacceptable it was that a guy who was offered as many snacks as he wanted had taken a bunch of them during their extremely long flight across the country. my brother was also a little confused by that one.

i managed to patiently suffer through a short story about how dad is doing after his surgery. i even winced when she talked about how many places his jaw got broken in.

actually that was only partially on purpose. it does genuinely sound unpleasant to have the roof of your mouth cracked open and even the idea of the sensation is grossing me out.

i mostly wanted news on the dogs. genevieve is very upset that the whole family goes upstairs without her. my brother said she goes upstairs sometimes but i remember the few tumbles she took while i was still at home and they did not look like they felt very good at all. rug burn on an open wound is just not a good time. i don’t blame her for being reluctant to keep trying even now that her incision is all healed up. her fur’s probably grown back in by now too.

she likes to tease wiley. she’s allowed to carry around shoes and he isn’t (he chews and has chewed up all her favorite toys) so she’ll rub them in his face. apparently now she also likes to pick up one of wiley’s tennis balls, carry it around until he takes it from her, and then pick up another toy. when wiley realizes she is carrying a new toy he drops the old one to take that from her. so then she grabs the first toy and goes to hide while he’s distracted. you can get him to play fetch that way too, as long as you got two balls to throw.

diogi’s apparently doing ok. she’s still romping around the backyard even though her back half doesn’t work at all.

my and my brother’s conversations move extremely quickly. it’s like trying to keep track of a tennis match between particle accelerators. mom had no idea what we were talking about when we got about two sentences in.

mom dropped me off back at home and then i spent the evening watching more youtube videos. i also sent a message to a person whose meta i’ve been reading for like two years.......... i am very shy and this week i’ve been very muddled but she responded very positively so i might try again when i feel a little better. 

i was going to say “i don’t know when i got so shy” but it feels like i’ve always been like this. when i get thrown into a new school with a completely new community i’m forced to meet people. it’s a necessity. but seeking people out myself is like... what??? why would i EVER do that???????

i can’t even FOLLOW people i really respect in case they see my username and check out my blog. the idea is stressing me out.

anyway it’s 10:52 now, which is about when i started writing my entry yesterday, so i guess i’m making good time. i gotta get up at 7 tomorrow morning because mother wants to leave at 8 am for sea world. i’m not really sure what the day is going to look like- i know that there’s not a whole lot of vegetarian options at theme parks as far as food goes. my stamina is a lot better since i started biking basically every day so hopefully walking for a bunch of hours will be fine. i’ll bring the sudafed to try to keep my air ways clear.

i’m not going to get enough sleep tonight but maybe i can catch a few zs during the car trip.

i saw a thing about treasure planet and now i’m listening to “i’m still here” again and i’m bummed haha. 

something good today was that i, sort of, reconnected with people i guess? i talked to oz for a good long time. i sent a message to the new person. i had a good time with my brother. i sent a facebook message to an old classmate who’s messaged me a few times in the last year and i figured i should probably message him for once.

i do really want to go on a sailing space adventure again now though. and prove myself with nothing but determination to a roguish but ultimately goodhearted swashbuckler who might appreciate me the way none of my parents ever did. yes. good.