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#and I don't want to feel like I'm lying to people about something
mianexil · 15 hours
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◇ Things that make his heart melt ◇
◇ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ◇ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ◇
🌿 Warning: Spoilers 🌿
🪷 [ It wasn't in my plans before, but I really want to comfort these boys ]
🪷 [ Cuties, I see your requests and don't forget about them. I'm going through a little stressful period right now, so it may take a little longer than I wanted, but I'm already working on it ]
◇ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ◇ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ◇
ㅡ Suo, Sakura, Umemiya
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Suo
Sincere care for him
Everyone knows that Suo is strong in every sense. He is also smart, restrained, independent and confident.
It is not uncommon for people to admit such thoughts in his direction as 《 He is strong/smart/hardy, he will cope 》, waving away unnecessary worries.
But not you. You've never neglected it and it came from the heart. You knew that Suo was far from weak and admitted it, but it never affected the level of your concern for him. Yes, he is, but this does not mean that you can take less care of him, referring to the fact that he can do it himself.
Strong people can take care of the difficulties outside and also take care of themselves. But if they can, it doesn't mean that it's easy for them.
You always paid attention to his comfort in one situation or another, did some small and inconspicuous things that actually made a big difference.
Starting from the way you imperceptibly put a cooling compress in his furin jacket pocket before patrolling on a hot day or a a small pocket warmer in winter, and ending with silent hugs at the right moment to maintain peace in his soul.
It wasn't just a superficial concern, it was about his feelings.
At first, he somehow automatically shielded himself from it, it was his defense mechanism. He didn't want to admit that he needed it in any way, he didn't want you to think that he had at least some weaknesses to know the truth.
However, time and your perseverance have done their job. Over time, Suo began to accept your truly deep concern, letting it into his heart and passing through it.
And believe me, it made his heart blossom.
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Sakura
Listening and hearing
Sakura, as a person who has spent his whole life alone, is not used to conducting dialogues and generally having any long-term relationships with people.
That's why, when he first caught himself telling you about some hobby of his with a desire, and at that time you were really listening attentively to him, he felt this terribly strong and strange feeling in his chest.
Of course, at the same moment he fell into a stupor, and then he got angry because he was confused. You still don't understand why he abruptly stopped talking, flushed red in annoyance, and then abruptly said goodbye and ran away.
Poor boy, for him, these feelings seem especially strong. Because it was the first time for him.
You knew it was very difficult for Sakura to open up to people. That's why, when he started sharing his thoughts with you or telling you something, you immediately put all the worries in your head aside and focused on Sakura.
You wanted him to feel heard so that he would understand that you want to hear and listen to him
And it was at such moments that the young man's heart seemed to melt like ice under the warm rays of the spring sun.
God, you really make this boy happy.
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Umemiya
Special intimate moments between you
When you are alone, he's lying on your lap, and you're stroking his head.
It is this moment that permeates Hajime's heart and soul with sparkling threads that touch his most sensitive and vulnerable points.
At this moment, he feels as if he is transported back to childhood, when he was still a carefree, happy, beloved little boy, surrounded by family love and a sense of childish lightness.
Once he had lost this happiness, these incredible sensations, but now he had found them again. In a different form, but the same happiness.
He is lying on your lap, and your fingers are tangled in his white hair while you stroke him and at this moment Umemiya feels this warmth again, he is sincerely loved again, he is again childishly carefree and happy, he is home again.
◇ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ◇ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ㅡ ◇
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billwidoll · 2 days
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Sweet as Cherry
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Summary: You reject yourself to be with Rafe and when he finds out about this, he was ready to make your life hell Until you get a date
Warnings: for over 18s, verbal violence, physical violence, psychological violence, Toxic and aggressive relationship
Author's Notes: This story is a little heavy and if you don't like it, don't read it
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It all started on a normal Thursday afternoon, you were at college waiting for the next class to start. It turns out that there was only you in the room, you were like the nerd in the room, so you were always the one He arrived earlier. but incredibly Rafe Cameron was there too And it didn't take long for him to talk to you
"Hello... you and Y/n?" Rafe says smiling at you
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You were surprised by Rafe's greeting, he was the popular one in college and a bad boy, obviously you didn't like these types of things or these types of Boys
"Oh hi...I'm Y/n" you say with a friendly smile at Rafe
And he smiles with his smile
"Aren't you going to ask who I am, doll?" Rafe speaks with a disgusting smile
You laugh at this comment causing Rafe to hiss in confusion
"For God's sake, who doesn't know who Rafe Cameron is?" You say smiling and that also makes Rafe laugh a little.
"okay... so I'm famous to you?" Rafe speaks, sitting on a chair that was next to them.
"and...like that. But it doesn't fit that much!" You say in a joking tone.
In reality, you didn't even know why you were being so attentive to Rafe, you knew what he was like and how he treated people. Maybe he was just trying to be nice to you to just copy the homework he didn't do.
When Rafe was about to say something else, the teacher and some other students arrived at the time, interrupting them.
It was obvious that Rafe was frustrated, he was winning you over, he was feeling it. Rafe had his eye on you for a long time, but never tried anything, so he decided this was the time
You sat at a table you always sat at, but this time Rafe was your tablemate and you didn't understand because he always sat in the back, far away from you.
"ae! Y/n! How about you meet me at my house at 5pm? I have a surprise for you" Rafe says in a whisper because of the teacher
"Sorry Rafe...but I'm going to study today" you say giving him a friendly smile, you weren't lying you were really going to study
"Ah, come on? This is a chance for us to meet, don't you think?" Rafe speaks with a hopeful look
"how about another day, hun?" You speak last, turning your attention back to the books
And Rafe couldn't deny that he was very upset and sad about it, you were the first girl to not accept an invitation from him. But he wasn't going to give up
Fourdayslater
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After two days, Rafe couldn't stop and think about you. He was always stalking you on Instagram or any social network, He was always going to the coffee shop you worked at.
You were at work on another normal day and Rafe ended up showing up there, you thought he had just stopped by to say "hi" but Rafe's intentions weren't like that.
"Hi Rafe! What are you doing here?" You ask, giving a friendly smile from behind a counter.
"Ah...I came to see you.” Rafe says giving you his best smile and it ends up leaving you embarrassed
"Well... I won't be able to pay attention to you now because I'm working..." You say, your cheeks turning red.
"what's your problem with y/n? Always avoiding me, always making an excuse..." Rafe speaks frustratedly to you and that makes you angry
"I'm sorry if I'm too busy a girl for you!" You shout, but then restrain yourself because you are at your workplace
"okay... and so?" Rafe says it like you and he were having a lovers' fight
"Rafe...What do you want from me, hun? I would do anything for you to leave me alone now!"
You talk already stressed to him
"A date!" Rafe says simply
"a date?" You repeat and he nods
"Yes! Me and you in a restaurant, what do you think?"
Rafe speaks, approaching you and increasing a smile on your face.
"no, I don't want to go on a date with you, Rafe"
you say, lowering your head, you've never turned down a date. But going out with Rafe was too much for you, you didn't want to be another prize in the His
When you refused Rafe's invitation his physiology simply fell, Rafe's eyes quickly darkened, he was starting to break out in a cold sweat
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"what? Are you saying you won't go out with me?" Rafe speaks sounding like a robot that was about to attack you and you were scared there
"and that's right Rafe, I don't want to go out with you now or ever, okay?" You speak harshly, ready to serve the next customers, leaving Rafe alone and angry.
Fourdayslater
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After you didn't want to go out with Rafe, he decided to make your life hell. When you woke up he was there somewhere watching you and you knew it, he was making fun of you From you somewhere in college, he kept treating you like a slave when he went to his work place. But the worst part is when he followed you on the street or when he sent you gifts and love letters or Threatening
You were already tired and fed up with everything Rafe was doing to you, but the worst was going to happen on Wednesday night.
You were in your apartment with the doors locked and the windows too. Everything was calm, so you went to the bathroom to take a shower, going there you ended up taking off your clothes and getting into the hot, bubbly bathtub.
You lay down in the bathtub and closed your eyes, resting. But out of nowhere you end up hearing a voice behind you
"so beautiful...it's a shame it's not mine" Rafe says standing in the doorway smiling, this makes you get up quickly showing off your naked body
When you realize it, you immediately grab a towel that was close to you.
"What are you doing here Rafe?! Can you leave me alone!" you say, screaming desperately, covering yourself with the towel
"no, honey, don't cover yourself, I was seeing a beautiful view" Rafa says walking slowly towards you
"Rafe...please...leave me alone...please" you said with tears in your eyes and slowly moving away with each step Rafe took
"Leave you alone? Why would I leave the most beautiful girl alone?" Rafe speaks with his threatening voice and dark eyes
Now, finally you and Rafe were face to face. Looking deeply, Rafe looked at you like a predator, but you only knew how to be afraid
"...what do you want from me?" You speak with the tears slowly coming down
"I just want a date, my doll" Rafe says almost in a whisper, running his hands over your red face
"Okay, okay. And I'll go out with you, okay?" You say accepting almost desperately
"Do you understand? It's so easy to accept being my girlfriend" Rafe says, smiling like he's crazy and holding your face
"What? Rafe...and just a date, I'm not your girlfriend." You say amazed and Rafe shakes his head no
"Yes, you and my girlfriend yes, and then you will be my wife" Rafe says smiling but squeezing your face, Making you have tears in your eyes even more
"You don't want to make me angry, right? You know what I do when I'm angry." Rafe speaks clearly threatening you
Soon after, he kisses you desperately and madly, the kiss had fear, passion, love, aggression, all emotions flowed from that kiss. Now you were definitely Rafe's
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kyeomkuppie · 21 hours
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Rooftop.
Pairing: Wonwoo x gn!reader
Genre: I honestly don't know but let's just say crack and a pinch of angst
Warnings: Wonwoo thinks reader is about to commit suicide
Synopsis: You were just trying to get a better look at the sky, but someone misunderstood and tried to save you.
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You valued your peace of mind and the best way (in your opinion) to clear your mind was to look at the stars. At the edge of a rooftop.
Yeah, not the smartest idea but who cares!
Technically, anyone was bound to see a random person standing at a rooftop, misunderstand the situation, then call for help. Something you didn't exactly take into account.
And bingo as you had guessed, not only did someone see you, someone was at the same rooftop thinking you were about to jump, and you being at the edge didn't exactly help either.
Out of nowhere, you felt yourself being pulled backwards. Your back was now against the chest of a random stranger, and to make matters worse, on top of him.
"Uh, excuse me?" You were baffled and you didn't really know how to explain without him thinking you were lying "Can you let me go, please?"
No answer.
Oh shit. Is he dead? I don't think I'm that heavy though. You were thinking of the endless possibilities of you being charged for involuntary manslaughter. Great.
You finally feel the person who you thought you murdered move. "Are you okay? Why did you pull me like that? You could've been hurt!" You turned around only to be left awestruck. At least he was handsome.
His eyebrows were furrowed and his breathing was heavy, yeah it isn't the time for flirting. "How could you treat your life like it's something to be toyed with! You can't simply choose to end it because things are getting rough." His tone was stern and angry— but wait.
What? Your mind short-circuited for second. He thought you were doing what!
"What about your loved ones and the people who would blame themselves for your death? At least think about all those variables before treating your life like-"
"Excuse me?! I was just standing like a normal person, looking at the damn sky. I wasn't toying with my life, I was enjoying it!" You were starting to get riled up as well, couldn't he at least wait to hear what you had to say about yourself— and wait, what does he even have to do with it?!
"You shouldn't lie about things like this! If you need help, say it."
There's was no convincing this man. "Listen here stranger, if I needed help I would in fact ask for it. But can't a person watch the fucking sky in peace." You huffed "Why are you even making a big deal out of it? It's not like we know each other."
You pushed his hands which were gripping you away. "At least try to understand, I mean it's not the smartest thing to do, to stand at the edge of a rooftop I mean, but I assure I wasn't trying to do anything you were thinking of."
You had an idea! Not the smartest either but good enough "Want to grab a meal?" If he didn't say yes, you'd bury yourself alive, but you wouldn't have to see him again. If he said yes, you'd resolve that misunderstanding and you could go your separate ways.
He suddenly realized that his body was so tense and his body was still on the ground.
You gulped as he proceeded to get up. His features became more clear. His face had a soft expression but his eyes were sharp, so was his jaw. Yeah, you were right, he was one handsome fellow.
He was weirded out by your spontaneous personality. One moment you were all angry, and the next you were asking him to grab dinner? Yeah, not normal.
"Fine. I'll pretend that I believe you, and we'll go grab dinner. But for the love of god go stargaze anywhere but at the edge. I had the ambulance ready." He scratched his neck.
"Okay Mr. Overdramatic." You laughed, it was a peculiar day, not the peaceful kind you usually preferred, but definitely a day to remember.
"Wonwoo."
"Hm?" You tilted your head in confusion.
"If we're going out for a meal, you might as well know my name." He shrugged.
Yeah, he had split personalities, you were sure of it.
"[name]." You extended your hand "It was nice meeting you here— wait what were you doing up here?!" Your eyes widenened.
"I was stargazing."
"Yeah, no shit. I'll pretend that I believe you." You mimicked him from earlier.
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Inspired by that one scene in true beauty.
Reblogs and comments are appreciated!
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tavina-writes · 2 days
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i want to share salt. have you ever had a ship that annoyed you so much it starts poisoning other ships you could have potentially liked? because this is me with xiyao vs nielan. like, xiyaos are so fucking loud and proud of the fact that he sides with jgy over everybody else multiple times in ways that turn out to be incredibly hurtful. so it gets to the point i can't even enjoy cute teenage nielan art knowing xichen is going to so catastrophically fuck this up by repeatedly writing off mingjue as just imagining things and lying to him and leveraging their relationship for someone else's benefit and handing his killer the method to kill him and that people are *gleeful* about all that.
Hi Nonny!
First off, I want to offer you a hug, because this sort of feeling about fandom is never a fun thing to experience, and since you recognize that this is a salty ask, you might want nothing more than a "hey I see this and I get it in some part!"
But if you're thinking about how you might improve this situation and like, enjoy interacting with 3zun fandom again/mdzs fandom in general, I have a few ideas:
block everyone whose takes are pissing you off. There needs to be no bigger reason than "You know what, your takes are ruining this fandom experience for me" or "making me slightly more irritated than I would've been." There's no shame or like, anything wrong with this. Ultimately, we all live in this mosh pit of stuff together, and I might think everyone has a right to whatever kind of take they want, but I don't have to martyr myself on the cross of "hearing all sides" or whatever, and neither do you Nonny.
Recognizing which things are fanon and which are canon. This might help, but like, LXC doesn't, canonically, keep picking JGY at every turn. He is a flawed character with his own problems (as are they all in MDZS lol) but this is...not really what's happening? People can say what they want in their meta and their headcanons and interpretation of canon, but that doesn't make it...true.
this goes with 1 and 2 but also: if a fandom or a ship or a trope or something no longer brings you joy Nonny, there's always the opportunity to pack it up and leave it behind, either permanently or for a time. There's nothing wrong with not being "on" about a ship or fandom or recognizing that it was once something you really liked but not something you enjoy right at this very moment.
All that said, I'm personally of the opinion that there's a very loud and vocal part of the xiyao fandom (who exist on my blocklist by now) who've made me lose interest in the ship altogether, because the parts of the ship that I find most interesting -- the deceit, the almost gothic horror vibes, the slowly rotting center of their relationship when it didn't begin that way -- is obviously not what most (or what seems like most) people who ship it are looking for. And overall, I'm sure that it's no loss to not have me there, and that I (a NieYao girlie at heart) would not be welcome in that sandbox, so like, Nonny, I do get you and your frustrations. Ultimately I guess sometimes it's just easier to recognize that not all fandom spaces are welcoming and to find places that serve you better.
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ohnoaname · 21 days
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Is this a good moment to mention that I'm more pro-ship than not?
Like I'm not actively into problematic ships (actually I avoid them most of the time), but I don't care about other people shipping them as long as it's fictional characters and everything is tagged accordingly (I'm assuming they do understand the difference between fiction and real life, otherwise the ship is not the issue here). I more against shipping real people than anything involving fiction and I'm very much against censorship
I try to keep my blog as a safe place for most people, so it's not like I post about this stuff regularly (or at all), but I want people to know in case this is a deal-breaker
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katierosefun · 5 months
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step 1 of watching suits: haha fun plot! look at this little guy pretending to be a law school graduate. yeah this won't have any consequences whatsoever
step 2 of watching suits: oh this little guy and that bigshot lawyer have some good chemistry. yeah they're both committing a crime by having him work at this new york big law firm but it's fun :)
step 3 of watching suits: they're actually facing consequences to their actions now, but oh god i don't want to see either of them lose. yes, they did something terrible but don't we all want to feel a bit special. don't we all feel stuck. doesn't our own ambition swallow us whole. don't we feel insanely loyal to the person who gave us everything. we're going down together. if you go, i go.
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lloydfrontera · 2 years
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lloyd is so determined to not think of himself as a good person that the king of hell himself can tell him he almost certainly would go to heaven if left to his own devices because he's fundamentally a kind person and lloyd will still say he's self-centered and selfish and doing everything for his own gain five minutes later
like. you gotta admire the commitment at least
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anaalnathrakhs · 2 months
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btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.
#i know there are compromises out there#and i'm not going to live w them my whole life so i'll be out fairly soon all things considered#and i'm trying to be understanding when people's priorities aren't the same as mine#but i uh. would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt a little wittle bit.#i'm gonna keep handling it because i've been an asshole to my parents for long enough#i largely owe them that. cooperating and spending time with them and engaging in what matters to them.#but then she's says things like ''but whenever you move out you'll still be part of the family and invited if you want uwu''#it's just ?????? okay thanks ???? perhaps you could also try seeing things from my point of view perhaps????#it's all circling back to that. they have a very weird way to ''help'' me#throwback to them trying to cure my depression with amusement parks#when i would have liked a little less of that and a little more help and understanding#it feels like they're trying to put bandaids on a cancer#''you don't ask for help'' okay no help is coming. i am not being helped.#the system can't help me cause there's no damn beds no damn professionals no damn time to help everyone#the people around me can't help me because it's not their job or within their wheelhouse to help me#and they've got their own shit to deal with#on that note#i was discussing stuff with my mom#and i mentionned it was indeed pretty difficult to manage your time when you had to deal with school and friends and your parents#and she was like ''deal with your parents???? what do you have to deal with????''#oh i don't KNOW maybe that i'm officially an associate of my dad and i have to help out w events and some accounting#or maybe i have to pay back the fucking years i spent being an ungrateful child now i do everything you expect me to and it's exhausting#maybe that you constantly remind me i am living in YOUR house by touching my shit instead of letting me deal with shit at my own pace#maybe the fact that despite everything i care about you and i want us to have a good relationship and that takes WORK and i'm exhausted#maybe the fact that you keep giving me advice that is unproductive misguided misunderstanding etc etc#and cold comfort after you did something you knew to be difficult for me#how you keep encouraging shit that i don't want and am unhappy with because it's the ''normal'' way#how you raised me from childhood to be an empty shell in a family of empty shells#broadcasting my misery#vent
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tanicus-caesareth · 1 month
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guarana drama, damage control
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stereax · 3 months
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woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way
but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D
anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎
#sterechats :)#09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway#what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again?#probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D#10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire#like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it#I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring!#but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3#11:00 pm - I need to get out of here#I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me#everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense#why am I even writing these tags what does it matter#I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing#maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore#I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha#11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one#how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good#everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now#here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah)#11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive#in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love#I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day#maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it!#maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead...#1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am#not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep#and I don't want this to post when I'm awake#I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always#because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really#I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay
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leatherbookmark · 11 months
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dear google duckduckgo how to love and feel loved because i'm at my wits' end at this point
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louderfade · 6 months
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youtube
exene talking about the state of the world. the good stuff starts at eight minutes. or you can just read the transcript complete with the usual errors that accompany robot transcribed speech (the irony of which is not lost on me). maybe it's not about transhumanism and living forever (or maybe it is who knows), but there's definitely an agenda of surveillance and control at work which is designed to keep the powerful in power. cash rules everything around me and you will own nothing etc. the future is worse.
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#google has helpfully flagged this as a 'conspiracy theory' which let me know it was definitely worth paying attention to#sometimes a conspiracy theory turns out to be flatearth-tier but anything those in control are putting effort into discrediting#concerns me and makes me look deeper. if they're going to the effort to control the discourse there's something there that#threatens them. anything google calls a conspiracy theory is worth a closer look. it often means someone has gotten too close to the truth.#she's brave to be talking about this shit they basically cancelled her and forced her to apologize for talking about how they want#to take our guns and the media is lying to you and stirring up fear so they can get away with passing gun control#like wtf leftists should be all about gun rights. a disarmed population is totally at the mercy of the state's authority#it's not very punk to surrender entirely to regimes in power and let the only people with guns be the police#like c'mon guys we need guns. and it's like drugs. they exist anyway. better they do so in broad daylight than in the shadows#they let adam curits talk about this stuff for some reason and no one calls him a conspiracy theorist idk why but there's a reason#i guess his stuff is not a threat to them bc it's dense and heady and seven hours long so the masses will never absorb it#ex punk rocker yelling about new world order in plain language monologues of digestible length is a much bigger threat#i swear there are secretly fifty people in control of everything and their entire aim is to make sure it stays that way no matter what#but it's really gross how obvious it's getting like the whole system just funnels money straight to the top and they don't even care#about hiding it anymore they're just doing it out in open and denying objective reality with confidence it's too much sometimes#i swear i can feel my grasp on reality deteriorating. it's as if there were a loud buzzing in the out of doors that was getting#louder every day and nobody ever said anything to acknowledge that it was real nobody talked about hearing the buzzing but it just#keeps getting louder and i'm finally like wtf is with this buzzing and everyone gets mad at me for shouting over their netflix show#that they weren't really enjoying in the first place. like no one is happy in the modern world. why can't we talk about why without#turning against each other. that's why doug saying 'maybe we're all the same' is such a big deal to me. anyone who is trying to unite us#is doing important work. that trump supporter is not the enemy. they are the victim just like you.
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stinkbeck · 11 months
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there’s something wrong with me. i keep going to people for advice when i know they just don’t have the capacity 2 help me. like what the fuck is wrong with me
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‘being one of the only people in your entire area actually still taking the pandemic very seriously and following safety measures while every single person around you rapidly decides they completely no longer give a shit’ moodboard
#my bastard in hell i have fucking health conditions#maybe you want to gamble your shit but I simply cannot take those risks dude#and it is increasingly hard to interact with literally any other human being when it seems like we both live in alternate realities#AND if they won't even give the basic respect of just being careful around ME#just a basic 'okay I know we apparently disagree somehow but at least while you're around me could you take these precautions#to help protect me' then it's immediately just *deeply personal reason against it* *argument entirely based on how the person#feels and not any actual current data or pandemic statistics* *random personal anecdote* *reckless nihilism based in#reasonable and understandable exasperation but still missing the point and not ultimately practically helpful in terms of genuinely preventi#ng things from getting worse and simply worsening the conditions that foster the nihilism and exasperation in the first place* *ableism*#*the weirdest fucking argument you've ever heard in your life* *some other entirely personal sentimental reasoning*#*some argument that basically boils down to the fact that they don't trust or respect or care about you and your boundaries or health*#like gHHHGhhhhhhhhhh#JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME AND WEAR A  MASK FOR 30 MINUTES whY does it have to be a debate WHY is that SOO hard#also people I know keep planning stuff and trying to force and guilt trip me and others in my household to go do stuff with them#and are like planning vacations and all this stupud bullshit and now I'm constantly having to put up with it and seem 'mean' or whatever#one of my roomates is fine but the other one is more emotionally volatile and definitely prone to being pulled in by being Lonely#or wanting to do stuff with loved ones and compromising on safety because they're being manipulated by the people around them#into feeling like they're being a burden by asking people to wear masks or etc. so its a constant trust issue where I have to just desparate#ly hoep that when left on their own they're ACTUALLY going to stand up for themselves and stick to their beliefs#and not just like come home and lie about following sfatey measures then secretly give me covid or something.. hhh... WHICH wouldnt be a pro#blem if EVERYONE on the earth wasnt just acting like the pandemic is over and deciding to be reckless - because then it's a matter of#social conformity and peer pressure and following the Culture instead of the data and even people who were safe before will see everyone aro#und them taking things less seriously and decide maybe now it's reasonable to do the same thing themselves or etc. etc.#and it's like... nothing with the VIRUS ITSELF changed lol.. the response changed and the culture changed but the part that matters is the#SAME....the virus isn't looking around like 'hey people seem more chill about this now - maybe I should just relax a little bit and not#infect people for a while. i really dont want to get in the way of their pool party summer vacation and all of that. i'll just step back'#HHHHHHHHHHHHH anyway.... oi am goin inshane lov...........#covid mention#covid tw
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doctapuella · 2 years
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i painted bruce and his pants
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elytrafemme · 2 years
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wish i could be all spiteful at my therapist saying that i have borderline functioning tendencies but not consistently enough for it to be classified as an abnormal behavioral thing. like i wish i could do what i’ve been doing for months and plan ways to get her to quit her job or put her in an uncomfortable ultimatum or do anything to get a different response to the same question i’ve asked her for two years. 
but instead... i’m just tired, honestly. like. yeah. my biggest curse is the fact that i can cope with things. which sounds twisted. but if i wasn’t able to cope, i would get help. these problems would be fixed because an intervention would be necessary and forced. but i don’t need an intervention. so the problems aren’t going away. 
and part of me says, so make yourself need an intervention. act out. do something crazy. but it’s like. i’ve already done that. i keep doing things that i say are out of control but are at least partly purposeful so that someone reacts to it. and it hasn’t changed anything. so there really is no way out of this conundrum except to keep repressing this anger over and over because there’s no resolution for it. 
weird. 
#neg#vent#nightmare.vent#negative#do not reblog#if something bad happens to me. i immediately present it to people#and also over exaggerate my issues. the only other thing i could add is lying to people but.#if i start lying. i would tell someone i'm lying. immediately. just so that they would say something.#there's really nothing left to do anymore. i think i've done just about everything to try and get an answer.#even when i was like. 11. i was doing unstable shit so that people would tell me what was wrong with me.#i know the real answer is to wait. do 2-3 sessions a week in the summer. do the same in college.#pay a shit ton of money to see an analyst.#that's what my therapist told me. she was really good today honestly.#she did say that she felt the same about the bpd thing. like when she was a kid she thought that she'd get diagnosed with it#but had the same realization i did. and i don't like that.#because i don't want to be like her. i don't really like her.#but i mean she said nice stuff today. was really really helpful as always honestly.#when i let her talk that is but. i don't know. it's not enough.#something has got to give. but my rock bottom has to be theatric and perfectly timed.#and there's never a time that feels good enough.#so i'm stalling probably yeah. but just. i need it to matter. i need to only do it once.#do something so appalling that people institutionalize me#i think maybe i'll start lying. baby steps. i don't know.#i don't fucking know.#also since. someone will say it. it's not that i'm hooked on getting diagnosed w bpd specifically.#the reason i bring it up is because my symptoms have aligned very closely with it for years and my therapist agrees with that.#it's the best of many examples of me being so close to an answer but it not being attainable.
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