#and I figured it was just me being anxious/paranoid or maybe just stupid idk

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[unpretentiousblogging]

My first suicide note

Don’t worry, this isn’t THE note, merely me reminiscing about what WAS my first note. And anyway, starting my actual suicide note with ‘first’ would be extremely stupid and already declaring defeat...which is ironic, since, you know, suicide is declaring defeat from life in general. 

Oh god. I do this a lot. Use poor humour to deflect from my obviously concerning thoughts. But anyway, it’s fine.Back to topic. (side note; there was no humour in my first suicide note. Hmm. Maybe I should incorporate that in the next one...joke. Maybe.Hopefully. Idk)

Anyway, first suicide note. Ah yes. I was fifteen.It was..2014? I don’t really remember much of it or the details surrounding that year. Just that it was angry and sad and vengeful and full of so much...hurt.Against everyone.My friends.My enemies. My mother. 

Ah. My mother. A recurring character in every suicide note I’ve ever written. It’s not her fault. She is not per say a bad person. But more on that later. This isn’t about her. This is about my suicide note and how it ended up being the first one.

A lot had been leading up to it. I should probably avoid saying the work depressed since I wasn't clinically diagnosed, but a bitch isn’t dumb. Or I mean, she is. But not in this case. You know when you spend the better part of two months not talking to anyone and experience the crushing pressure of this giant, pressing hollowness gnawing-ness that stays there no matter what you do, that THAT isn’t normal. Or at least, it wasn’t to me.

Tbh, I don’t understand much of it. That feeling. What caused it. Why it became such a significant part of my being. I was just in a negative head space. I had suddenly become hyper aware of the farce in everyone’s interaction with me. I detested that I couldn’t study what I wanted to. I had just...a lot going on. 

And also, truthfully, I think I had been using too much Tumblr. I would see this constant downpour of emaciated, beautiful girls talking about sadness as skinny white boys with cigarettes dangling from the corner of their mouths would tenderly hold them and I guess I internalised that this was what it took to be loved and also all that life had to offer.

Love. What a funny thing I chase after.So uninterested but also so extremely curious. Sigh.

Also, funny how the very platform that propelled me into the state I was then, is what I have chosen to come back to while meandering somewhere similar to that state. Not really funny,but what did I say..force of habbit. 

Anyway, back to story. I was sad.Really sad. And angry. And the final straw was the fight with my mom. I don’t remember what it was about. Not important. Just that I realised that I didn’t want my life anymore. Any life for that matter.

So, how does a 15 year old, kill herself? Or well, try to. Because, suuurprise. It obviously didn’t work. I didn’t die. (yet) Or I wouldn’t be ‘’killing time’’ (haha) by writing this.

Well,didn’t own a gun.not smart enough to figure out how strangulation worked.House not tall enough for free falling from roof to cause desired effect. Too much of a wimp to cut veins.

The only other logical explanation was to ingest some poison. Painless. Bound to achieve results without risking grotesquely convulsing my appearance in the way that free falling or burning would do should the fail to work.

Now, we didn’t have any poison lying around the house but I remember how popularised the video of the Amanda Todd suicide was and how she mentioned drinking bleach to kill herself. So, my manic self rushed to the bathroom in search for my poison.

Unfortunately, I could find no bleach. So,I reached out for the next best thing. This anti acne product I had bought from Shams recently. It was pretty expensive and barely used but since I was going to die anyway,what was the point of me being careful with this overpriced bottle of skin care.

Yes, I decided to die by gulping down a bottle of a beautification product for my skin. Not only is that highly improbable but I think about it and snicker at the fact that is basically a twist on the whole ‘eat makeup to become prettier on the inside’ joke. I was basically annihilating all the blemishes on my inside by ingesting that bottle of toner. Pretty funny, if you think about it. Or just me?

To be fair, at the time, I didn’t think it was. I legitimately thought I was going to die.With my eyes sputtering out a tsunami of tears,I guzzled the colourless liquid from the transparent bottle and drank till there was only around 20 percent left. 

The whole thing rushing down my windpipe in one giant gulp. The second I was done with this I started freaking out. My throat burned and I felt this warm, icky wave of nausea steadily creep up on me.

You see, I stupidly didn’t wager that it would take so long.My juvenile brain had been expecting the job to be done quick and painlessly. This was neither and now my paranoid brain started whizzing like an unstoppable slot machine. I started panicking, remembering this post I had read online by this guy who recounted how his failed attempt at ingesting pills for suicide resulted in a highly painful stomach pumping experience and a life time of painful and uncomfortable digestion. I wasn’t prepared for that.I couldn’t not die and also end up with more issues on top of the ones I already did.

In a mad rush against time, I scrambled to get my phone and performed a quick Google search-what to do if you eat poison. The most frequently suggestions were to call poison control and to induce vomiting. Since, I couldn't really do the first one, I made way to the toilet and thankfully to my minor stint with bulimia (and they said eating disorders aren’t useful, pfft) , I knew exactly how to do the latter. Quickly, I shoved my fingers down my throat and attempted to force my alimentary canal to defy gravity. I alternated between this and ramming my toothbrush down my mouth and lo and behold, spurts of translucent chemical gush forth from my mouth like a faulty tap. 

At this point, I had progressed to full blown sobbing. I wasn’t able to successfully eliminate all the toxic liquid from my body and the purge had just resulted with me hiccuping incessantly and my stomach gurgling uncontrollably. Also, my mouth had a horrible aftertaste. Overall, I felt repulsive and sick and also glaringly aware of my soon to be (in my head) death.

In my misery studded mind, I made peace with my fate and decided that were I to to die, I had to make sure I hurt everyone who ever hurt me just as much as. I wanted them to feel guilty. Afterall, my death couldn’t just end with a bunch of people feeling sorry for me and the people who had done me wrong to not experience any of the anguish I had. So, I put pen to paper and began to scribble on an old English paper-my first suicide letter.

At the time, I didn’t know it was to be my first, of course. I thought it was my one and only. I dedicated this atrocious piece of writing to virtually everyone who meant anything to me in my life. Ex best friend? Obviously mentioned. Brother? Definitely to blame. Friend who cared but not enough? Special shout out.

But the star of the show, the main dedication of the bitterness fuelled literary rampage was  one person-my lovely mother. Like I said, not a bad person.  But just not compatible with me, to put it nicely. Anyway, the body of this letter revolved around her and how all the events of my interactions with her had materialised into this blame. If any one was to be guilt ridden after this entire ordeal, I wanted to make sure that it was her. 

Everyone else got a few sentences or a paragraph, but my mom, well she got pages and pages of my teen angst and venom against her. In fact, the opening of this abysmal note started off with something like, ‘’In case I don’t wake up tomorrow’’ (I wasn’t sure how effective the ‘’poison’’ would be. In hindsight, not at all), ‘’ you (mother) should know that YOU are to blame for all of this’’.

Pretty dramatic, am I right? Anyway, I don’t really remember more of what happened in the note, but basically, you get the idea of how it went, ok? 

So, yeah, after penning that intense piece of literature, I willed myself to go to sleep and hopefully die painlessly in my slumber. Or not. I wasn’t sure at this point whether I wanted to survive or not. Probably the most anxious sleep I was getting. After all, I didn’t know whether I was going to wake up the next morning or not.

Spoiler alert: I did. With relief.

And I tore up the note immediately. I think my mother had already read some of it but I am not sure if I remember entirely. I recall sitting in the car with her as she drove and a passing mention was made of it and all I said was that I had written a story in my notebook. And that was it. Did she believe me? Or did she simply not care enough? Or maybe her brain could not even begin to register that I was capable of performing such an abominable task. I don’t know. I wonder though, if she ever stays up at night wondering about what it meant. What any of it was.

I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even remember. I do. 

And that, brings to a complete, the pointless rambling of me and my first suicide note. 

good bye.

(we’ve reached the end. im not gonna go kill myself...right now. lol. maybe/ ok bye)

[uncloseted]

hello, i hope that i don't bother you and this might get a little longer. i am so unhappy with myself, i wish i could be someone else or behave differently. sometimes i don't think i am that ugly especially bc i get compared with actresses i find beautiful but bc it's "me" i think it's ugly. would another person look the way i do i probably would find the person pretty but i can't find myself pretty idk why. i think i make myself also uglier bc the way i dress. kind of tomboyish/indie style. 1/.

Anonymous said to effys-closet:                                                                     

2/. but still sometimes girly. but i don't wanna look mainstream (but i still do i think). sometimes i wish i could be more elegant. and i wish i wouldn't be so awkward. i often get asked why i don't talk and my answers are always pretty stupid and i am kind  weird and quirky or i think i come off as rude. i am also pretty childish. and i am afraid to do things alone. i wish i could lead a different, easier and fun life, with my own apartment and such things. but i am very paranoid. i am 18 btw.            

  Anonymous said to effys-closet:                                                                     

3/. i wish i would just go out and have fun. dye my hair, get piercings and tattoos. but i am to afraid of regretting things or bad things that could happen like infection. i don't trust my body. which is also something that brings me down. i wish i could be more mature than i am. i see other 18 year olds and they do so much on their own and i am still living at home being afraid of life. i never had a bf or an affair which makes me feel even more childish. i got no experience. people around me         

Anonymous said to effys-closet:                                                                     

4/. talk about sex and all that and i can't join the conversation. i feel left out and kinda like i am leaving myself out. and i don't want that anymore. i am afraid it will never change. i am so overwhelmed and lost. and it annoys me so much. i am afraid of making the wrong decisions. i am afraid of missing out only bc i am scared. i am afraid i could live a much better life but i am ruining it. that i am missing chances. ugh... hope you have a great day and thank you i hope i didn't bother you              

It’s not a bother at all!  Honestly, the more information people give me the easier it is to give advice because I have more perspective.  There are two big things that I think are important for you to know right now: 1) people grow and mature on their own timelines, and no timeline is better or more right than the others.  It’s just about your own personal journey and life experiences.  And 2) it’s never too late to be the person you want to be.  The first thing I would suggest is seeing a therapist or counselor about the way you’re feeling.  It sounds like you might be feeling a little anxious about making changes in your life, which is really normal as you transition from being a teenager into being an adult, but a therapist can help you develop coping techniques that will work for you.  The other thing I would suggest is making small changes that are just outside of your comfort zone.  Maybe getting a tattoo is too much for you right now, but you could try spray-on hair dye, temporary tattoos, ear cuffs, or wigs in order to feel more comfortable with changing the way you look, for example.  Or moving out of your home might feel like it’s impossible right now, but doing a program where you’re away for a week might be doable.  Start by making little decisions that don’t have much consequence so you can get used to making decisions that are “wrong” and see that in the long run, they really don’t matter all that much.  The last thing I would suggest is figuring out what your idea of your perfect self would be, not just in contrast to who you are now but in terms of traits that you admire in other people.  Try to figure out the steps it would take to incorporate those traits into yourself.

[sanguinesprout]

Some progress? Hurrah! (Updates, tiny triumphs and more re-motivating)

Ooookay... yeah, I’ve been kinda putting off posting until I really had something substantial to write about (and in turn forgot a whole load of stuff, gdi man). I really need to remember to at least note things down in the drafts on my phone, that would be good, but I hardly ever use the app so I forget about it lol. Anyways, hah! It’s not been a month since the last post...yet... I think one post per month is do-able for me... but I won’t promise myself this because I do get preoccupied and don’t wanna pressure myself too much, just a loose goal will do.

The main main thing that was making me holding off making a post was because I wanted to have done some of the things I wrote about in my last post first (which I haven’t re-read). Things like fixing my CV, looking for jobs and applying to them. Hm... and well, I did it! Kinda! (With a some help and encouragement from my sis ^^) I altered my CV a smidgen until even I was satisfied with it, did look for jobs multiple times and I did manage to apply to one! (One is really less and there’s no guarantee I’ll be successful of course, but I just wanted to see how it goes as it is definitely my first option out of the few jobs I found suitable. Dippin’ my toe in the water as always *sigh* but it’s a start!)

Applying was pretty straight forward, an online form with basic personal details and some questions like ‘why do you want to work for us?’, ‘give an example of a time you gave great customer service’. I feel like I wrote some pretty good stuff... I hope... Even though it was only a few sentences lol. It was kind of difficult but kind of not... I think it’s maybe because when you really want the job and are passionate about it, the words kind of come more freely. C’mon I gotta keep believing in myself, I can do this! There is hope for me after all! For everyone out there too! :D 

I really should apply to the whole bunch of the jobs I bookmarked but I’m still too nervous... x^x I think some of them have already been taken down/filled already because I dawdled too long too. I have up to 4 weeks to wait for a reply (or be ignored) by the place I applied to. Then if I do happen to be selected as a candidate, there’s an interview and a group practical with the other candidates... to help whittle it down ahhhh... I’ll save the worrying about this for later if I even am able to get to that point at all... @A@ 

The place I applied to is a place I’m quite familiar with that I really enjoy and my sis already works there (but is thinking of maybe leaving sometime soon for a higher paying job) so she has told me lots about it already and would be able to advise me on a lot of stuff. So... I kind of have an advantage here but uh, putting all my eggs in one basket again... I need to get out of my comfort zone even more than this, but at least I did something! 

If I don’t get selected for interview I’d be real sad because I am truly very passionate about this place and their products, I feel it would be a great chance for me to grow. I went all out filling the application form thing with this cheesiness ah orz. I feel I have a lot of relevant skills and knowledge and bits of experience, but they might prefer people with a lot more real experience and status(?). It’s a retail job, the placement is for a part timer, minimal hours, but I feel this would be the perfect starting point for me ;w;

If I don’t get it then oh well, at least I tried and maybe I’ll find something even more awesome. There’ll always be another path I can take, nothing is ever set in stone. To be able to support myself and my parents in future I need to make money, there is no other way. Besides being too dependent I also can’t keep hiding away, it’s no way to live, I can do a lot more than I think I can, Imma go for it, be a better me, be the real me! ^^

Besides the job app stuff I also made some phone calls for things that I normally try to avoid and continued doing some more phone orders for my parents and they went fine! I also went shopping and eating with my sis some more to even further and super busy places, even with a friend of hers there and have been feeling well, not as anxious as I thought I’d get (except for certain small situations), and felt like I was actually being more myself for once, which was great! I interacted with shop people on my own accord too which was good!

As well as the anxiety, I still get spells of feeling really ill and restricted (thanks to my physical problems) that I can’t control but if I tell myself I’ll be fine, I’m stronger than I think and I’ll get through them then well, I persevere and get through them! I gotta toughen up! Hoo! There’s so many people that have it a million times worse than me but they still try, they can still smile and do all the things they set their mind to, they’re so very inspiring and wonderful. A lot of the time when I want to avoid, I get caught up in the fear from all the ‘what if’s’ but I just need to ignore them and just actually go and do whatever it is I’m fretting over then I’ll prove myself wrong. If you don’t try you won’t know, nothing ventured nothing gained!

I’ve kinda shied away from doing stuff online that’s direct, like commenting on stuff which is really... idk I keep overthinking and feeling paranoid about it and it’s really really stupid! :c I also spent a long time debating my usernames and blog purposes again but I’ve got them figured out now... I think... I have to remind myself though that there’s no right or wrong way to do things like this, I should just do what I want and feel, whatever I’m happy with is fine, it doesn’t matter what other people think! Just do it!

I really want to be able to open up more and be myself, talking is difficult especially when it comes to feelings... I don’t want to feel so ashamed, but it’s too deeply ingrained in me to just want to keep hiding everything. I need to break out of this habit and learn to be proud of myself instead. Baby steps! All will be fine! 

I had a lot of times of feeling really down, getting lost in all these self-loathing thoughts again lately, but I’m starting to feel a lot more pumped and hopeful just from trying a little harder and doing a little of what I’ve been scared to do. I am worthy, I am capable, I am here because I deserve to be. Things will be okay as long as I keep my head up and keep pushing myself forwards!

Believe in yourself and persevere! Fight for happiness!

Have a great evening! :D

[ymalcal]

numbers at random: 3, 5, 11, 34, 56, 66, 67, 69, 70

Ronnie! I’m sorry this response is so late, tumblr failed me and never let me know you sent the ask but thank you for playing along. I love you so much lovely. 

Responses under the cut because I ramble:

03: Do you regret anything?

Oh man, there are so many things in my life I regret. Like not even superficial things that I’m like “I shouldn’t have done that” but like deep character building things that I deeply deeply regret. Too many to list tbh bc that’s my life but I think a common thread is my health. Like I wish I had accepted help earlier than later in regards to my mental health and I hadn’t turned to self-harm and eating disorders to cope with trauma. I wish I had never let the doctors talk me into having a spinal tap, and that I hadn’t been a stubborn child who never listened bc now I have the scars and injuries to show how shitty I was at listening. Also, I regret not being a lot more pro-active in my education bc my adult life is a mess. 

05: What is your relationship status?

I want to say “it’s complicated” bc my brain always wants to complicate things but I am so single. The guy I’ve had a flirtationship with for a really long time who will never be anything more than that said he’d be my “fake boyfriend” to help void off family inquisitions though lmao

11: Do you like someone?

Romantically? Honestly not at all. I have passing like admirations from time to time, and have my share of celebrity crushes but yeah no. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

This is going to sound like a cop-out but I swear I don’t dream. I think I just never get deep enough into REM to dream which is a lasting issue, but the last dream I remember having I was like 7 or 8ish so I seriously can’t answer this question. I play out stupid hypothetical scenarios in my head sometimes before I’m able to fall asleep which I count as dreams sometimes and I think the last one was about me trying to figure out how a conversation with my mom’s boss was going to go because I was fixing some paperwork for her? idk honestly, I’m super boring I know. 

56: How many people have you fist fought?

Literally fist fought? None, I am so weak. Like I have no upper body strength and I would be decimated in a second flat, but I can be super confrontational sometimes and the last person I had like a super intense argument with was either my cousin or my grandmother/aunts. I’m not sure I would really count the thing with my cousin as an argument as much as a really heated discussion though. 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I honestly don’t know who my complete self really is, so I don’t think I’m ever really “myself” around people. It’s an identity issue I’ve been dealing with for years now actually and it’s super frustrating, but in so far as I don’t think I’m putting on this completely fake persona around the person… yeah I think so?

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

My dad? I guess. If we’re referring to someone who is not related to me then idk the cashier at costco?

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

I want to. I think the idea that someone can match you and be so complimentary to you is great, but I also don’t have the healthiest relationship to the concepts of love and companionship and all of that in general, whether it be platonic or sexual or romantic or whatever, so I’m super skeptical overall. I can’t see myself ever really reaching that point in my life either, so maybe for other people yeah just not for me?

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

I want to say yes. Like I love my family and I love my friends and I want to be like yes totally I would die for them, but realistically speaking I don’t know. I am so anxious and paranoid all the time that I don’t know if I would be too scared to even be in a state where I could make that choice. Also, I’m not a very brave person in general so I don’t know if I could step up in the moment. Ideally, I want to believe I could be selfless enough to say yes and make that choice without hesitation but I just don’t know. 

[scarletpan-moved]

All the Astrology Asks

Astrology Ask Meme

Thank you, anon, you sweet dear

Mercury -Are you an extrovert or introvert?

I’m more an introvert, people exhaust me

Venus -Are you dating anyone right now?

Yes! @lukeriolc and @little-mx-rayne

Mars -What are your hobbies? 

Writing and roleplay, drawing, crafts, petting random cats

Jupiter -Do you believe in a higher power?

I believe in a higher power. I believe that there is too much that has not been explained in this universe to not believe that something bigger than ourselves aided in its creation. Now, as for what higher power? That I don’t know. There are many takes on god, some of which I like and others I do not, some of which I know very little about. I don’t have a specific being I worship, and when in hard times I simply pray to whatever god wishes to hear my woes - be that a god in actuality, or something a bit more on the demon side, being I have no qualms with the worship of ‘the other side of things’ either. 

That got babbly so I’ll cut myself off, but yeah.

Saturn -What are you not good at?

Socializing, being ‘calm’, keeping a level head in emotionally charged situations.

Uranus -Do you have any weird habits?

Uhm... I have to clear all of my notifications before closing an app, I circle a store twice before buying anything (or the section of the store I shop in if its a big store - I wont go to the baby section in JCP for example), I try on 3-5 hats before leaving, even if I don’t want to wear a hat... Idk nothing too odd I don’t think. 

Neptune -What’s your greatest wish?

To visit Rayne, to get an apartment with them and Jacob and live a maybe not normal but at least mostly happy life. 

Pluto -Does death scare you?

My own? No. The pain that could accompany it does, but not the concept of me dying. However, the death of those around me terrifies me. 

1st House -How do you see yourself?

Eh... Average or unattractive in many ways, lazy, someone who always says the wrong thing, but also someone who assumes things too quickly (like that someone’s mad at me just because they said ‘mhm’ instead of a response, things like that), someone who attracts both the wrong and the right type of people, and ends up in hell because they can’t sort through the wrong to find the right, without trying to help everyone. Someone who needs to learn how to put themself first, but... probably will never learn that. Blah. 

2nd House -Would you want to be rich/famous?

I wouldn’t mind, but if I am I want to be rich/famous because I’m doing good. I want it to be a side effect. I want to help, to save lives, to give people someone that they need. If I’m famous, I want it to be because of the effect I’ve had, not because of something fleeting. 

3rd House -How good are you in school?

A little below average? If I like the class, I can do really well. However, if I don’t then my motivation is below zero. I have no drive with things I’m uninterested in. 

4th House -Do you get along with your family?

Uhm... sometimes? My mom and I go rounds, a lot. I love my dad, but he’s... absent. And my brother... he’s going through that 14 year old ‘you’re all stupid fuck off’ stage, so we don’t really... see eye to eye a lot. My other brother is... He’s overbearing, a know it all, and... Well, honestly he scares me. 

I love all of them dearly, but... I’m only comfortable around dad at this point. 

5th house -Are you creative?

Well I have 34 OCs, and a half-oc that I use on a server....

I like to think I am, but I also accidentally shit on myself a lot, so this question would be better asked to someone on the outside.

6th House -Do you like work/school?

No. I like the atmosphere of the Uni, but I typically don’t like classes, unless they’re incredibly unstructured. I don’t do well in structured do this and nothing else for an hour if you don’t you’re stupid type settings. 

7th House -Are you a people person?

No. No no no. If I’m in too much of a crowded area, or in public for too long, I do not fare well. I’m better than some, but just... no. 

8th House -How well do you adapt to change?

Slowly... I’m bad at rolling with things. Change makes me twitchy, anxious, and paranoid - I try to act like I’m good, but honestly I’m so bad with change. 

9th House -Do you want to go to college?

I’m in college right now, but I’ve no idea where I’m going after this. But yes, if for no other reason than to learn. 

10th House -What’s your dream job?

1) A voice actor, even small time. Just someone that people look up to, a platform where I an inspire and do something that I truly love. 

2) A psychologist. I’m thinking childhood development type things, but I know I want to work with kids, even if I’m just a counselor at a damn elementary school. 

11th House -What would you change about the world?

Hooo shit we’re getting deep now.

How we feel about differences, how we judge people for things that are entirely arbitrary instead of focusing on bigger issues. How the people in power are happy to use said power to screw over everyone else - and how we sit by and let it happen, smiling like idiots at the pretty light display they put on to distract us. 

12th house -What’s your favorite social media?

Tumblr, honestly. I hate so much of the community, so much of the shit that goes on here, but at the end of the day I’ve still met so many nice people, so many people who have effected me in ways that will last forever... I don’t think I would be who I am today without this hellsite. 

Fire -Do you like adventure?

Its fun! I love adventure, exploring... as long as its controlled. I’m too anxious for too many out of the blue, dangerous things. However... If someone came with me and encouraged me to break out of my shell, a little at a time, I wouldn’t mind. As long as they were patient with my smol self. 

Water -Are you an emotional person?

Oh fuck yeah. I cry at everything, tear up at everything. I flail and bounce watching TV shows and movies. I cry when writing, plotting, telling stories. I’m an emotional mess. 

Air -Would you consider yourself smart?

See this is different from are you good in school - am I book smart? Well, your answer is up there. As long as I’m interested. Now, common sense? ‘Street smarts’? That sort of thing? Well... I’m good at figuring things out, not under pressure. However, I get overwhelmed easily. Average, I suppose, when you count things that balance other things out. 

Earth -Do you collect things?

I collect condoms (if anyone needs some please message me!!), memories (photos, ticket stubs, etc), plushies, and...I think that’s it? But ye.