#and I have commitment issues tee hee

[shadow0-1]

Where were you when I was out of line?

[gareleia]

THE KNITTING SAGA BUT HERMES IS A DUMMY

update: my co-writer friend FINALLY got a tumblr account, so I can tag them now!!

previously: part 1 part 2 part 3

next: part 5

m'kay, so, we've talked about Athena & Telemachus' issues. now let's touch on Hermes, because a Diva™ like him deserves his own post. and also because this had been sitting in my notes for so long i've genuinely forgotten about it (i'd say that it's what translating a musical does to you, but honestly my attention span is just shit)

now, as much as I love Soft Boi!Hermes, I even more so love prankster Hermes who doesn't really recognize personal boundaries or the meaning of 'too far'. he's the guy who'll commit to the bit so far, he'll commit mass murder with a Tee-Hee and genuinely wonder what has got everyone so upset.

kid!Telemachus, holding a cup of poison: grandpa, are you sure it's a good idea? I'm scared… Hermes, laughing his ass off in the corner: of course I'm sure, champ! it'll be hilarious! good ol' game of Ithacean Roulette! now dump it into the wine, let's see who we'll get this time!

at the same time, he's not selfish. he's very keen on doing things for the people he likes, and he cares enough to know when someone is distressed. he, as a god, is just so removed from traditional human morality that casual acts of cruelty are perfectly acceptable to him, while, for example, breaking an oath is a horrible sin.

think blue and orange morality stuff.

telemachus, outraged: …murdered his own family, can you imagine? hermes, equally outraged: I know, right? he gave a blood oath and broke it! disgusting! telemachus: why is that your only concern?!

but don't worry, helping to raise Telemachus and hanging around the same people consistently makes a real boy outta him gives him enough time and insight into humanity to start understand mortals better, and, as consequence, adopt some of their values.

especially the concept of spousal loyalty. Hermes is a patron god of thieves, and at the time taking someone's wife was viewed as an act of theft (because women were property, yeeesh). which is why to him Penelope's situation was less of a tragedy and more of a "well, my dumbass great-grandson Odysseus should've seen it coming. snooze you lose! ¯_(ツ)_/¯"

that is, until he gets to know her better. and suddenly she's not a prize to be won or a challenge to conquer. she's a smart, capable person that commands respect from anyone who's got a shred of self-awareness. she's got gentle hands, and a radiant smile, and a spine of steel. Penelope looked Hermes dead in the eyes and told him serenely to keep being a good influence on her son, she does not deserve to be reduced to a token and given away to the highest bidder.

hermes, initially: well, penelope's a rich, gorgeous, basically single queen. I'd steal her too, if she was my type. hermes, 10 years later: she's the smartest, ballsiest human woman I've ever met and if she only wants her Ugly Ass Groom then she'll fucking stay single until he comes back.

unfortunately for everyone else, Hermes cannot step in to protect her, because Zeus and Poseidon are both pissed off at Odysseus already, and if either of them notices Hermes (and/or Athena) interfering with mortals on Ithaca, they might take it as an invitation to follow suit, and then it'll be Troy Story 2: Electric Boogaloo.

so he stays his hand, and hangs around Telemachus discreetly, mostly posing as a human. for a god of liars, he's surprisingly bad at blending in for long periods of time. Hermes thinks he's an awesome conspirator. meanwhile little Telemachus didn't even realise it was a secret.

the only people who don't know that [insert alias] is a god in disguise are the suitors, who are notoriously either too stupid, too overconfident or too busy drinking to connect the dots. the exception is Antinous who pretends to be oblivious and makes sure the gods don't see him as a threat to their beloved little pup (otherwise he'd have killed the prince long ago).

the suitors, however, unanimously agree that they hate this weird annoying stranger, and try to get rid of him in increasingly elaborate ways, from poison to stabbing to wild animals to dropping pots on his head.

spoiler alert: it doesn't work.

hermes, next day: *comes back every morning like nothing had happened, whistling cheerily* suitors: WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!

eventually Antinous convinces them to give up so they don't piss off Hermes.

years pass, Telemachus grows. Athena teaches him strategy and arts of war. Aeolus gradually comes out of the hiding and becomes the resident lovable comic relief side character. and Hermes? he teaches the kid all the good stuff.

and it's not just lying, okay? (though it's a significant part of it) music, diplomacy, geography, street smarts, some history. he's a worldly god, had observed and been a part of countless cultures. above all else, he knows people. he may not really understand them, but he knows how to get what he wants from them, how to find common ground and how to spin things to get along with practically anyone.

and girls. Hermes helps Telemachus with girls.

because he's the cool uncle figure that Telemachus admires, the kid trusts him enough to ask the god for advice when he starts growing older and gets his first crush in his early teens.

and, on one hand, Hermes is ecstatic. on the other one…

telemachus, blushing and stuttering: there's a girl I met, she's so pretty, and cool, and, and, and how do I talk to her, do I just come up and say hi, but what if sh- hermes: … hermes: *blue screen of death* hermes: MY BABY-

it's the first time he truly starts to grasp how short the kid's life will be. because in the blink of an eye he turned from a newborn to an adolescent, and soon enough he'll have his own family, and Odysseus was already a king himself at this age, and Hermes is not ready this can't be it he can't just grow old and die

so anyway, he pushes the thought aside and pretends it never came up at all (because that always works, and bottling shit up never blows up in anyone's face, right, Athena?)

he gives lots of advice, from useless macho stuff to golden nuggets like "be yourself" and "show her respect". and, of course, he cheers from the sidelines, hiding 'inconspicuously'.

and it goes surprisingly well. the girl appears to find Telemachus' awkward attempts at flirting sweet and charming, and the boy is on the cloud nine.

but Hermes isn't. because, unlike the prince, his judgment isn't clouded by a puppy crush and he can see that the girl is actually a lying bitch, who's playing Telemachus like a fiddle, hoping to become the next queen of Ithaca. and he won't stand for it.

except Telemachus, for some reason, doesn't seen thrilled when Hermes tells him to dump the girl?? he flat out refuses to believe that, because love is blind and so are sheltered insecure teenage boys.

so Hermes, in his infinite wisdom, decides to prove to his naive little charge once and for all that the girl is just using him and doesn't actually love him. now, what's the first example of true selfless love from a woman that comes to mind to the god who had spent the last few years hanging out with the royal family of Ithaca? right, Penelope. and the one thing that characterises Penelope is her unconditional loyalty, even into the face of countless threats and temptations.

hermes, to himself: so, if I show the kid that the bitch will leave him as soon as she finds a better prospect, he will definitely admit I was right all along! and dump her! it's a perfect, easy, foolproof plan! I am so smart! what could possibly go wrong!

another spoiler alert: everything goes wrong.

the girl does happily jump into his arms as soon as he hints that he's a god/demi-god/just a cooler prince or something. she does it right in front of Telemachus, in fact, so there's no way he'd be able to deny the obvious.

on the bright side, Hermes immediately outs her as a lying bitch and publicly shames her, embarrassing her family and ruining her prospects of marriage and causing her to suffer for the rest of her life ('disproportionate revenge'? what's that?).

on the down side, for some unfathomable reason, Telemachus doesn't seem very grateful??? what???????

hermes: and so, AS ALWAYS, I was right. telemachus: hermes: but please, hold your applause! telemachus: hermes: I did it all for you, out of the goodness of my heart! telemachus: hermes: and please, don't apologize! you were wrong, I get it! no need to- telemachus: *bitch slaps his smug face and runs away, hurt and betrayed* hermes: *shocked pikachu face*

thing is, Hermes doesn't understand what he did wrong. in his mind he did a rather good deed: showed the liar's true colors, and spared the kid a lot of heartache down the line. he doesn't understand the feelings of betrayal from having someone he trusts explicitly outing him as a naive fool in front of everyone he ever dreamed of earning respect from. doesn't get the pain of having been cast aside by someone he liked in favor of a god, with whom he could never compete. can't imagine living in the shadow of someone he had never even known and being constantly reminded of all the ways he's lacking.

telemachus: I'm not a stupid child, hermes. I could've handled it. hermes: but you didn't listen to me, maybe you'd have never seen it on your own- telemachus: and maybe I would've. maybe I would've had the opportunity to find out myself, and maybe I would've learned from it, but you never gave me that choice, did you?! did you think i'm that dumb?! hermes: oh, come on, kid, you're not dumb- telemachus: THEN WHY DO YOU TREAT ME LIKE I AM?! WHY DON'T YOU EVER TRUST ME?!

aaaaand there's the core issue. Telemachus had spent his whole life being babied at best and looked down upon at worst. constantly compared to Odysseus and his more vicious peers, always shielded from making tough decisions and proving himself. he feels like he will never amount to anything, because no one ever lets him really try. as soon as it looks like he's going to make a mistake, someone (usually Athena, Aeolus or Hermes) swoops in and 'fixes' everything for him, just like they used to do when he was an accident-prone toddler. which he isn't anymore.

and Hermes doesn't understand that. to him, ten years is basically nothing. the kid can't have changed that much in ten years. because if he did, then he'll change a lot in the next ten years, and the next, and very soon he won't change anymore, because ten years are nothing and so are human livespans.

ten years are nothing, because to admit otherwise would force Hermes to face the fact that Telemachus, no matter how precious, is just as mortal as any other human. which amounts to basically losing him already. and Hermes can't.

he held that boy as an infant. he fed him, helped to teach him walk and talk and make silly faces. he can't lose this child to time, the one thing even gods can't really protect humans from.

Penelope finds Hermes sitting on her balcony with the most human expression on his face she'd ever seem him wear. he's lost, and confused, and full of regrets, and kind of terrified. in that aspect, he reminds her painfully of her husband.

hermes, mumble: he's growing older penelope, sighing: I know hermes: he's not a baby anymore penelope: believe me, I know hermes: but... what do I do now??? penelope: you let it happen. not much else you can do.

she talks him through it.

hermes, rambling: but I will lose him. I'll lose him if he grows old and dies. this is why I don't get attached to mortals, you die too soon. he can't die now. penelope: he's not going to die now. he'll become the king first, he will find a good wife and have children and grandchildren. he will become great, greater that I and his father could ever dream of. and he'll be happy. don't you want to see that? hermes: I do, but- I don't want him to grow up! penelope: then you finally know the biggest joy and the deepest pain of parenthood.

it doesn't fix his fear. doesn't fix his pain, either. but it does help fix his attitude.

because she's right. Telemachus is growing old, and he can't shelter and protect the boy forever. soon he'll become a man, then an elder. and there's nothing Hermes can do about it, short of dragging the prince to Olympus and begging Zeus to grant him immortality, which will never work.

Hermes and Telemachus make up, of course. the latter knows, deep down, that the former is just trying to take care of him. they make up and forget the fight - at least, the boy does.

Hermes will always remember.

and he will count every day, every wrinkle, every grey hair.

the joy and pain of parenthood indeed.

[muffinrecord]

Himena's magical girl story was really good but also really terrifying and I don't mean the part where Himena tells Sasha, "If you wanted me to, I would kill your uncle for you tee-hee."

The earlier bits where she has anxiety about if her friends were leaving her was absolutely anxiety-inducing for me, but mostly because... I've had friends like this and we do not mix whatsoever. Personally, I'm the kind of person who needs her space. If I couldn't hang out with someone and they sent me a thousand texts and phone calls: that would be the last time I'd ever talk to them because you bet your ass I'd be afraid of them. The Hiko bits in particular made it hard to watch. It was suffocating!

I think Hiko genuinely loves her, probably. But god. Imagine if he wanted to escape her and was lightly rebuffing her this whole time out of politeness, then he started getting bullied... and then things got worse, and he couldn't escape his bullies or Himena. Then he commits suicide to escape the whole situation. AND THEN SHE BRINGS HIM BACK IN HER FUCKING BRAIN.

This is peak nightmare fuel for me specifically. Being stuck in someone's head. Without my permission. Forever. I'd beg Himena to kill me again a second time, probably.

Oh but to add, I stand by my earlier comments on Himena, that I don't think she's a bad person. Like for me she is terrifying, but that's cause of my own issues specifically. I think she's a person who really needs therapy and validation. I think she's been alone and ostracized and surrounded by fake friends for a long time, and it's led her to a lot of pain. She's so scared of going back into that whirlwind of pain that she's willing to do anything, be anything, as long as she never feels it again. And I think that's a very human thing to feel, whether it means you're scared of losing people or if you're scared of being around them.

I have a few thoughts that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder but... that one can get stigmatized badly and I hate to put that on the character that tried to genocide all of Kamihama at one point. BPD gets enough shit online, I don't want to add on "hey this homicidal character looks like u lol," you know? :/

She also seems very teenager to me, and not just in the manner she speaks. Girl hasn't experienced enough of life yet to realize that sometimes people are just busy and it's not all about you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

...

Actually, having said that-- you know, there are a loooot of people online who dislike Himena, who act like Hikos. But having met a few of them, they tend to have a lot more in common with Himena than with Hiko-- particularly with that self-centeredness. If you don't talk to them every day, they think you hate them and lash out and want to hate you more. Anything you do is a sign meant for them to interpret. That sort of thing.

It makes me wonder if (some of) the Himena haters look at her and see an aspect of themselves that they don't like.

Anyways, I definitely recommend watching her Magical Girl Story. Some parts of it feel a little exposition-y, but it's all good and it's an interesting dive into her brain. I'd actually be really interested to hear from someone who can relate to her more than I can and what they think of her MGS.

[tartrazeen]

we must revive ask culture so i am sending you an ask! 🌸

do you have a specific kind of shoes you prefer to wear, and why?

for me i tend to prefer a lot of high heels, specifically anything 5 inches or higher. i have a lot of muscular issues that make it so that im actually more comfortable in heels! my feet tend to naturally want to be in the Barbie Foot position so i figure i might as well commit and just wear my demonias all the time :P

ive always wanted to be barefoot more often, though. sadly it just hasnt worked out yet. my problem is that the bottoms of my feet get hurt very badly on any kind of jagged surface. my family used to go swimming at a creek and i had to wear swim shoes so my feet didnt get all cut up from the gravel the beach was made out of 😬 plus with the Barbie Feet i find that being barefoot makes me want to crouch down and scuttle or something.

Bare foot!

Bare foot!

Bare foot!

When I'm outside my house, I'm in sneakers. I even have 'winter sneakers' to keep me warm. I just love having my feet covered (which rules out sandals) and nimble (which rules out boots).

I can walk in heels. I had a modelling phase, so I picked up a good grip on how to wear those high stiletto monsters. But I have no endurance for walking in heels, because the balls of my feet go numb pretty damn early into the night. Which sucks, 'cause I have this gorgeous pair of heels that I can technically walk in, but functionally can't wear. 😭 So they sit in my closet, surrounded by dust and dreams.

I can wear flats, but - like... 😒 I'm only wearing them because it's inappropriate to go bare foot, and it's inappropriate to just wear socks. Flats are worse than heels, honestly, because at least if I'm wearing heels (even in pain!), I'm wearing them for an ✨event✨. But flats are like, "Tee-hee comfy walking around shoes," and I'm like, "Tee-hee no they're fucking not."

But bare foot is my king. Need to pick something up? Monkey feet. Need to bring your trash to the curb? Grab it and go. Need to move around kinda quietly? You're doing it. Worried you'll slip on the carpet? You've got your grippers. It's the ultimate low maintenance footwear.

And it's practical! Need to check if you need to sweep? You feel it (which is better than wearing socks and tracking it around inside). Feel like the floor's too gross to walk around barefoot on? Wash your floor. Feel like your own feet are too dirty? Wash your feet.

And in several ways, it's been better than wearing shoes. If you aren't wearing the proper footwear, no footwear has ended up being the best result for me. I remember one time my dumb ass stepped onto a nail. My sneakers - which I would've been wearing otherwise - wouldn't have stopped that from going through, and might've added some resistance to the whole thing that could've made it stab me worse. With just my bare footsie, not only did I not stab through a perfectly good pair of shoes, but I also felt it immediately and took my foot off. I'll say that kept the stabbing to its ultimate minimum. uwu

So yeah - bare foot for me! It's comfiest, easiest way for me to get around my immediate environment. Second to that is sneakers :D

Me in heels 🤝🏽 you on any jagged surface

[boreal-sea]

Any TERF/Radfem that tries to appropiate ACAB for their Tee-Hee Misandrist Queen UwU shit deserves a jump-kick right in the plexus and torax 😳 preferiblely from queer poc specially ❤️

Btw here's another one for the list https://www.tumblr.com/burningtheroots/722909487600631808/

"We're NOT bioessentialists we swear guys!"

I should be keeping a tally for the "Is the blog blocked" game. I think I'm up to 5 points.

Yes, I already have the blog blocked.

So, actually, this person isn't being inherently bioessentialist. She's one step above most radfems in that she is committing to the idea that it is in fact nurture, not nature, than can turn cis men into violent monsters.

However.

I do take issue with the idea that "male socialization" is always bad and is equivalent to "toxic masculinity", which is how she is using the phrase in her post.

She is stating that all cultures around the world are misogynistic as a baseline, and that all of them teach a version of manhood to male children that is toxic and turns them ALL into abusers. She is also stating that it is impossible for an adult man to escape that cycle of abuse. I partly agree with her: yes, all modern societies are baseline misogynistic, and they do teach their children (both amab and afab) to be misogynistic. I do not, however, believe it is inescapable - it CAN be unlearned.

She's also implying that this upbringing affects all AMAB people equally and identically, completely erasing the experiences of boys of color, gay boys, overweight boys, trans kids who were AMAB, and intersex kids who were AMAB, neurodivergent boys, disabled boys, etc.

So, no. She's not actually being a bioessentialist. She IS still coming to the end conclusion that All Men Are Bad, but there's hope for her and radfems like her who believe in the nurture model instead of the "all amabs bad from birth" group.

I have hope for them too, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it's because I also believe that socialization is what causes people to become misogynists, and I acknowledge that there are definitely differences between how a culture treats its AFAB children vs its AMAB children.

But the good thing is, if male "badness" is caused by socialization, that is a thing we can fix.

Feminism as a framework can show adult cis men how society has harmed them and programmed them to be awful, and they can use feminism to unlearn that shit, and then they can then help other men unlearn this shit. Then they can help tear down the patriarchy.

Feminism as a framework can be used to raise boys, right now today, who are resilient against the abuses of the patriarchy, who are able to identify the ways toxic masculinity is woven into everyday life, and learn to be caring, compassionate boys and men who will further contribute to feminism and tearing down the patriarchy.

We can do this.

Feminism is absolutely critical for men who want to unlearn the harm the patriarchy did to them, and it is absolutely critical for parents and communities who want to raise boys who won't have to unlearn the harms of the patriarchy.

[marsneeds2talk]

ok confession time: i have commitment issues but for some reason i still want relationships so i make up a whole person in my brain and im in a parasocial relationship with the person in my head. so far this coping mechanism works and the longest i lasted dating my brain was one year. don't need it rn tho im chill and i wanna see how long i can be single tee hee

[alternian-cringe-collector]

⎈ Oh goody! Now it's my turn to get in a fight with Mod Karkat, how lucky am I! ⎈

Agreed! No notes, full marks!

I disagree that it should be, not that it is. My cullee is of a, hm, less standard caste, but would be able to live on their own if not for disability reasons.

Absolutely it is! I have no glubbing idea why people hate on it so much! :(

Glad we could agree!

The tea was unrelated to the murder. That was a separate issue, I've never assaulted nor injured anyone over something as minimal as liking tea - though, lying is something that does irk me, I would not commit murder over earl grey. Disgusting as it is.

Yes! Mod Beta asked me to assist with filtering Beforian content for them, so they could have a more diverse selection of 'cringe content' outside of simply pretending alternate realities do not exist.

On all hives, I think. Though I am willing to concede that perhaps there are some niche designs I'm not thinking of? And there's the matter of Alternian architecture...

I disagree! Someone's lifespan does not really change their opinion, and I believe that feedback is important in a business, relationship, and social sense - so why not the government? We stand to lose nothing but time, and reel-y, what is time compared to the vast improvement we could possibly achieve?

Tee hee hee. I think it'd be funny to watch. Whether it works or not, it could be entertain-fin!

Fuck you. Tartan is ugly.

⎈ Aside from the last point, all of this is in good faith! I'm open to constructive debate, feedback genuinely is very important! ⎈

fuckin YIKEZZ your takezz are rancid [hatemail]

⎈ What takes? I haven't said anything opinion-based yet. ⎈

⎈ You want a bad opinion take from me? I believe the entirety of the clown church, as a whole, needs to be deconstructed and surgically removed from the government. I don't believe being a lime or cherry inherently makes one cullable. I think caliroll sushi is delicious. I believe the entire system of culling, both Alternian and Beforian, is flawed deeply and requires deep adjustments. I have never liked earl grey tea and I think everyone who claims to like it is a liar. I threw someone overboard and into the ocean, tied to several cinderblocks, in a drunken rage back on Beforus and was never prosecuted. I believe everyone should install a dayshade on their hive, just because they look good. I think voting-based systems could be incorporated into governmental systems. I, personally, would find a long-term effort to transfuse blood into another troll to change their blood color fascinating and would happily fund it. I believe tartan is the ugliest thing ever made and the creator should be rebuked for all time. ⎈

⎈ You haven't even sea-n rancid yet, love. ⎈

[princessnijireiki]

smh ppl posting screenshots of azealia banks's instagram stories bc elon musk is gonna be on snl & she's clowning him + y'all just remembered the SAGA that went down when she was locked in his house w him and grimes...

but being like "oh hee hee I hate her she's so bad BUT this is soooooooo funny"

no, you a fan! you are a fan! you wouldn't have seen this otherwise, and I know that bc I'M following her on ig & even I don't have story notifications on for her like some of y'all must, or how some of the people you follow & source your content from must, so you can feel morally pure about circulating secondhand screen recordings & gifs!

just don't be a fucking coward! yes she's said an awful, awful lot of nasty, bigoted things. so has your mom. either: don't follow people or share the content of people you feel you gotta put a disclaimer on to disavowing any connection to them; or share it, let the jokes be funny, and explain as needed rather than using a disclaimer as an excuse to trot out the exact same old discourse every time you see her or her stuff, if every time you're going to insist on interacting regardless.

grow tf up. I'm not saying you have to love her. hate her if you fucking want, I don't care. but some of y'all have more leniency in your hearts towards politicians, former presidents, and war criminals than her, and y'all don't put a sassy little "the opinions expressed are not representative of this blog tee hee!" label on posts about them, either. some of y'all LITERALLY watch hetalia.

I'm not trying to hear shit from some of you all in general re: who's "cancelled" and who's not, but y'all out here effectively got her blocked and act like it's a morality issue, but reposting her shit for clout and also acting like you only saw it accidentally, incidentally, so no one thinks you actually *gasp* like-her like-her... please. it's giving clown behavior. it's giving greasepaint and squeaky shoes next to the lion cage, ringling brothers barnum & BAILEY. madagascar 3, afro circus ad spots. that's y'all. do fucking better.

commit to yourself, if nothing else. come up with a sense of identity strong enough that your online persona doesn't crumple upand blow away in the wind if you admit you enjoy the work of someone problematic without diminishing them or self flagellating over it.

[initiumseries]

What did you think of klaus in tvd? And i know you ship forwood so you probably hate klaroline, but did you think they had chemistry? And have you seen any klaus cami scenes, what do you think of them?

I thought, as with all tvd villains, they managed to create fantastic build up, only for him to be a remarkable let down of a character. A major problem with TVD was they had no idea how to nuance their villains without humanizing them to a point where they utterly defang them. Klaus SOMEHOW, with ZERO explanation whatsoever, took over Alaric's body, killed people and terrorized the group. I was like OH SHIT when he legit just starts destroying the house since he couldn't get in, but then like...he's just a sad boy with daddy issues who wants friends? What in the C-list anime hell is this? I wanted real consequences. Not, hey Elena girl, I'm taking your boyfriend on a just us vacation for the summer bc his brother was stupid enough to provoke a werewolf on a full moon, tee hee! 

I also think whatever his name is who played Klaus lacked the gravitas of his character. It's been talked abt before, but he acted like a bratty baby vampire, not someone 1,000 years old. I feel like, to be THAT old, either he's absolutely over it, or his entire world has been whittled down to unlocking the werewolf part of him (or not bc that's also stupid) and that is his single minded purpose, which could have been interesting. 

Klaroline, I don't get the hype. I think their chemistry pales in comparison to what she had with Tlyer and even Matt, so I don't really understand why people like them so much. Klaus and Rebecca get into a room and I just want them to commit to the incest or SEPARATE THEM. So watching both characters have such palatable chemistry with other people makes me wonder why I would settle for Klaroline, one of the stupidest ships. Cami/Klaus is a top 3 horrendous ship. 

Instead of grieving as she was dying, maybe holding her, crying, SOMETHING. This bitch was //drawing// Cami as she died. Omg. How insanely impersonal and...rude? If I was dying and my vampire kinda boyfriend wanted to sketch me, I'd die immediately out of spite. Awful. 

[blackcatanna]

Phoenix Wright: Rise from the Ashes OPINIONS

Greetings, Tumblrinos! I have FINALLY aquired the original Ace Attorney trilogy on PC and have just finished the first game. I didn’t have any issues with the first four cases BUT I have a lot of UNANSWERED QUESTIONS about the fifth case, which was not in the original game. There were many things I loved about it (it gave me so much delicious evidence to play with) but I feel like its long, complicated plot had a few more HOLES than I like to see in a game all about finding contradictions and I have to SHOUT MY QUESTIONS/OPINIONS TO THE GREAT TUMBLR VOID so heeeeere we go! :D SPOILERS (duh)!!!

NUMBER ONE: WHY did Gant MURDER NEIL MARSHALL?!??!?

This is never addressed in the game, which I found very odd. This case is, I think, the longest in the main series and yet it ended SO SUDDENLY?!? Gant admitted how he killed Goodman to stop him reopening the case but he never gave a motive for killing poor Marshall AND SO I am left to speculate.

Of course, we know that Gant wanted to control the prosecuters and so it’s reasonable to think that he did it purely to frame Ema and thus get Lana under his thumb. However, he states that his motive for collecting evidence against Ema was simply “insurance” in case the case was examined too closely...? Is he lying? He might lie in order to distance himself from Lana and Goodman’s murder but then he goes and confesses anyway so why would he bother to do that?

Okay, so, murdering Neil worked out pretty well for Gant. He was promoted, Lana was promoted and he had leverage over Lana AND SO it looks like Gant purely wanted to frame Ema and that’s why he killed Neil. HOWEVER, this is still WEIRD AF. 

Okay, so, in order for this to be EVEN REMOTELY PLAUSIBLE, Gant would have to be on the extreme end of murderous psychopathy. To murder your colleague who’s UNCONSCIOUS is just... It’s insane behaviour. He killed Goodman because Goodman was a threat. Marshall was just... THERE. ALSO, he’s have to be a huge hypocrite! Gant says that he did everything because he hates criminals and wants to catch them, no matter what AND YET HE LIFTS UP AN UNCONSCIOUS MAN, IMPALES HIM ON A SWORD AND PATS HIMSELF ON THE BACK FOR CONVICTING DARKE?!?! AND HE SEES NO ISSUES HERE?!?! 

Furthermore, I don’t think that any of this was necessary to convict Darke. Lana seems to think so but it looks like Marshall and Gant had pretty much cracked Darke when he made a run for it. Lana wasn’t there for the interrogation. Not sure how relevant Darke is to Gant’s motivation but it’s interesting that it’s thrown into the MOTIVATION SOUP that we’re presented with.

Therefore, it appears that Gant killed Neil because he believed that it was for the greater good: by controlling both the police and the prosecutors, he would be able to ensure that those he deemed to be guilty would be punished. Fair enough. 

Okay, so, Gant and Lana are about to crack the case. Gant states that he’s already up for his dream job. If they succeed, Lana will be able to become Head Prosecutor. SO all that Gant needs is leverage over Lana. BUT SURELY, she already admires and respects him. They’ve been partners for years. They’ve cracked many cases together. They are the dream team! Pretty sure they even have a name in game like “Dynamic Duo” or something... “Legendary Duo”, thank you, Google. Presumably, Lana trusts Gant. He could give her forged evidence or omit things and she would most likely use it without ever knowing, much like Miles Edgeworth did. 

SO, if Gant hadn’t killed Neil and framed Ema/Darke, Lana would most likely still be Queen Prosecutor and would trust Gant. So, not only did he take a HUGE RISK killing Neil (MORE ON THAT LATER), he also jeopardised the valuable relationship of trust between himself and Lana, replacing it with BLACKMAIL. Perhaps, blackmail might seem like a more solid bond to someone as TWISTED as Gant BUT there are two problems with this blackmail.

FIRSTLY, there is the possibility that the person being blackmailed will SNAP. This doesn’t seem to be a huge risk with Lana. SECONDLY, this blackmail is based on LIES. It potentially becomes USELESS if someone figures out that Ema is not responsible so he’d have to believe that he’d left no traces (so I guess we can add HUBRIS to his list of character flaws). Oh, and this brings up another problem. In order to follow through on his threats to Lana, he’d have to admit that he covered up the truth in the first place! 

Okay, so I have decided that killing Neil didn’t accomplish that much of a REWARD for Gant so let’s look at the RISK. He PICKED UP an unconscious, fully grown man without disturbing the other two unconscious people in the room or Neil himself. The building was full of people for the award ceremony, presumably. To be fair, it took place in Gant’s office and so it’s unlikely that anyone else would walk in but the office had massive windows! 

Although unlikely, the possibilty of someone else witnessing Gant’s murder definitely existed. Furthermore, there was the more likely possibility of someone IN THE ROOM regaining consciousness and catching him in the act. Darke had hit his head, but Ema had merely fainted and I can’t believe that Marshall never regained consciousness while someone cut out a segment from his waistcoat, PICKED HIM UP and SKEWERED HIM ON A SPIKE. I mean, c’mon. Even if you agree that it’s possible that he didn’t get woken up by being impaled, how would Gant be so sure that this wouldn’t happen. 

The more I talk about this, the more questions I have but I MUST SAVE THEM FOR NOW. 

Okay, so Gant walks into the room, sees three unconscious people and thinks, “Gee! I could totally do a murder right now and frame one of these people, tee-hee. OMG if I make it look like Ema did it, Lana will TOTALLY have to do what I say, like, for EVER.” So, Gant does a murder and tries to cover it up but leaves A FRIGGIN’ HUGE OBVIOUS TRAIL BEHIND HIM THAT ANY IDIOT COULD SPOT, HOLY COW. IN FACT, WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW. 

WHY DID NOBODY QUESTION THAT THERE WAS A SQUARE CUT OUT OF MARSHALL’S WAISTCOAT??! THIS IS SO OBVIOSLY HIDING EVIDENCE!!! LANA EVEN HAD A PHOTO OF HIM WITH THE SQUARE MISSING AND A PHOTO OF HIM TAKEN MINUTES BEFORE WITH AN INTACT WAISTCOAT!!! NOBODY THOUGHT TO POINT THIS OUT?!?!?

WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD MARSHALL WRITE EMA’S NAME ON THE WOBBLY VASE?!?! This particular piece of evidence didn’t come to light until the current trial but it’s just so stupid! Obviously, Ema didn’t try to kill Marshall. It was an accident. Why would Marshall think, “I must not let this demon child get away with this heinous crime!” and use his last strength to do this nonsense. Furthermore, HE WAS IMPALED ON A SWORD. HE COULDN’T HAVE REACHED THE VASE. HE WAS TOTALLY SKEWERED. 

Speaking of that ugly-ass vase, did none of this top notch investigation team try and piece it together? Presumably, they did. That would bring up the question of the missing piece. Gant, you idiot! No wonder all of the investigators were suspicious. 

I guess that Gant thought he was untouchable and could just shut anything down with his authority but he made such a mess of everything that he was caught out by many people and eventually had to resort to  the ol’ Stabby Stabby just to shut people up. Gant’s supposed to be this brilliant person but he just comes across as an idiot with a TERRIBLE personality. I feel like a lot of Ace Attorney villains slip up because they’re in positions of power and think that they’re untouchable but I think that this is the stupidest one I’ve encountered so far. 

Okay, so, ASTONISHINGLY, Gant’s plan works. He gets away with THE MURDER and now it’s time for some sweet, sweet blackmail... He tells Lana that Ema will be convicted of murder if the truth gets out. Wait, WHAT??!?! HOW!? IN WHAT UNIVERSE COULD EMA BE SEEN TO BE GUILTY OF MURDER. Manslaughter, perhaps but she was acting in self defense! She pushed a guy wielding a knife. I DO NOT BUY THIS AT ALL. It seems likely to me that Lana would still co-operate because she was afraid of letting Ema know that she was responsible for Neil’s death but that seems to me to be the extent of the hold he has over Lana. Lana claims to have sold her soul for this. Does she believe that it’s worth it to spare her sister from the truth? Perhaps.

SO, IN SUMMARY, in order for this to be any kind of plausible, Gant has to be EXTREMELY SOCIOPATHIC, HUBRISTIC, HYPOCRITICAL and brimming with, my favourite, UNFATHOMABLE STUPIDITY! The UNFATHOMABLE STUPIDITY is what I have the biggest problem with. He is supposed to be SMART and CAPABLE. So are the rest of the team assigned to the serial killer case. I just, ugh... It doesn’t make sense... 

NUMBER 2 (finally): WHERE’S THE BLOOD, BITCH?

Why is there so much blood by Lana’s desk in Gant’s office? Neil died on the other side of the room AND YET there is no trace of blood to be found there! I sprayed the HECK out of that suit of armour and there was NOTHING. If Neil was skewered there, he would, PRESUMABLY have bled A LOT. Also when they UN-SKEWERED HIM. In fact, we know that he was coughing up LOADS OF BLOOD while he was skewered, thanks to Lana’s photo. SO, WHY. IS. THERE. NO. BLOOD. THERE. Presumably, Gant had the office thoroughly cleaned in the TWO YEARS since the incident but, then, why can I still see blood in Lana’s half? And surely there would have been blood traces there two years ago when this, ALLEGEDLY, UBER-COMPETANT TEAM investigated? 

Number 3: WHY THE EVERLOVING FLYING FUCK did the police decide that Goodman had been MURDERED in the evidence room?!??!

What did the police find to lead them to believe that a murder had been committed?!? They had a video showing someone dressed like Goodman entering the evidence room, followed by that annoying af megaphone guy, who got beaten up, cut on the hand and knocked unconscious. THAT’S NOT A MURDER. NOBODY DIED. THERE WAS NOTHING TO INDICATE THAT A MURDER HAD TAKEN PLACE! WHY WOULD THEY REPORT IT AS A MURDER, LET ALONE GOODMAN’S MURDER!!?!? THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!?! 

Furthermore, WHY WOULD THEY HAVE MEEKUMS DELIVER THE REPORT TO EDGEY BOY WHEN HE WAS THE ONE THEY SOMEHOW DECIDED WAS THE MURDERER?!?!? At the time, I thought that Gant sent Meekums or whatever his name was (cba to look it up because he was SO ANNOYING) because he knew that Edgeworth would ignore him because he was so annoying and he’d be able to make Edgeworth look bad in court later. But, seriously, what was even in that file? There was no murder!!! If Gant was trying to throw us off, why would he draw our attention to the evidence room and the two-year-old case?!? Whyyyyyyyy!?!?

Tbh, I have no explanation for any of this. IT DOES. NOT. COMPUTE. 

THING THE FOURTH: Why was Lana’s hand not bleeding in Angel’s photo?

Lana says that she cut her hand because she was shaking while stabbing Goodman’s corpse. YET, Angel’s photo VERY CLEARLY shows her without any injury. Angel ran down to the car park because she saw Lana stabbing Goodman. Therefore, by the time Angel took the photo, Lana must have already stabbed the guy. Also, Angel states that she saw Lana stab Goodman repeatedly and that she was wearing a muffler. So, the stabbity stabbity must have happened before the photo was taken. 

Question the Fifth: Who the Hell calls an exhaust pipe a “muffler”?!?!

Well, I just googled it and it’s something that reduces noise coming from the exhaust pipe. Yay learning!

Question the Sixth: Why did the cameras not catch Gant giving Goodman the old stabby stabby? 

Presumably, Gant erased the footage immediately after exiting the room but this was never addressed, for some reason. I guess it was already a long af case but I like details, dammit!

7: How did Gant clean up so quickly?!?

Bruce Goodman died of bloodloss. That’s A LOT of blood to clean up! He summoned Edgeworth to the room to collect the screwdriver only 20 minutes after he himself first entered the evidence room with Goodman. In those twenty minutes, he must have had the fight with Goodman, waited for him to stop bleeding, moved the body, stuffed it into Edgeworth’s trunk, found cleaning products, mopped up ALL THE BLOOD from a guy who DIED OF BLOODLOSS, hiden whatever it was that soaked up the blood (slorp), erased the video footage and somehow not got ANY BLOOD on himself and WASN’T SEEN by ANYONE stuffing a body into a car ON THE DAY OF DATA TRANSFERENCE!?!? HOW?!

8: Seriously, how many identical white detective coats are there?!?!

Marshall wears one to impersonate Goodman, Goodman is wearing one when he is MURDERED, Lana is wearing one in Angel’s photo and, weirdly, it has a bloodstain on it in the same place that Marshall’s one does. However, we can still see Marshall’s costume coat sticking out of his locker. WEIRD. 

SO YEAH

This concludes my list of puzzling things in this episode! There are probably more random things that I’ve forgotten but, in that case, they can’t be bugging me too much. What really IRKS me is the question of the “murder” in the evidence room and how UNFATHOMABLY STUPID everyone, especially Gant was 2 years ago. These two things just make the episode feel a bit incomplete to me. I admire the ambition of this episode but I feel like some things slipped through the cracks and left my brain aching for the wrong reasons.

[wiredandrewired]

Was trying to actually work on something but my brain is stuck on loop.  So instead I’m gonna make a post of the Voltron stuff sitting unposted in my writing WIP folder to help me organize my thoughts.

I guess since I’m posting this, if you have anything you wanna say/ask about any of these feel free.  I respond well to outside interest.

1. Project ReVolt is without a doubt the project I’ve posted about the most here.  And talked about in random tags.  And tangents.  Originally it was just the name the project had in my internal brain filing cabinet but it’s kind of spread and stuck to where my wife and I just refer to it as that when we talk about it.

ReVolt is basically going to be a VLD series rewrite more along the lines of how my wife and I would have done it or at least liked to see it done.  In some places it will probably stick pretty damn close to the events of the series canon, but in others go completely off the deep end.  We’re each going to be doing one, so a lot of the headcanon and worldbuilding and such that we’ve worked out together in various other stories and RPs will be consistent between the two stories, but it will also give us a place to veer out and do things without the others’ input (as we’re not gonna let each other see our fics until they post, tee hee).  I’ve done a SHITPOT of rules and infrastructure work using actual alchemy tracts to try and make sense of the series’ largely Powers As The Plot Demands system,  and am pretty convinced I’m going to A)fall hard into my very common Esoterica Ranting Mode pitfall and B)enrage literally everyone who reads it with my character and plot choices.  Most conservative estimate says this will be six ‘books’ long as again, we’re doing literally the entire series.  Current status: at the ‘ridiculously large amount of notes and setting up actual arcs and outlines’ stage, and waiting for the wife to finish ‘Happier HOPEless’.

2. There Are No Monsters Here is a fic I really want to do but cannot seem to get off the ground, set to take place entirely in the ‘last universe’ from season 8--the one native-Honerva died in and crazed-death-god-Honerva picked out as her ideal and tried to wedge herself into.  I guess the basic idea was that, like the ‘main’ universe, it got rebuilt pretty much as it was prior to Nightmare Mom Ruining Everything, and I have it with no one fully remembering the events of season 8 that took place there, but characters really closely tied to those events having some itching feeling that something happened, and all the Altean alchemists agreeing that some kind of massive quantum Event certainly occurred even if they don’t know what.  

Mostly the story exists as  a place for me to have a canon-compliant AU that still lets me explore stuff like Altean history, the racial and cultural tensions of the Coalition, dink around with Oldadins that DON’T die in one fell swoop, a living Daibazaal and Altea, Lotor growing up with a decent-but-not-without-strains relationship with his dad, teen Allura and tiny Lotor being absolute shits to each other while also coming to terms as they grow up with who and what they MUST be both on a political and quantum scale, and generally prove that even a perfect universe isn’t, all in one place.  The title is entirely facetious, and anyone who’s read any of my alien culture headcanons for this series knows that.  Lol.  Current status: lots of bits and pieces, but no good beginning or connective tissue.   I have a lot of notes, some arc outlines, and a few scattered scenes and bits of dialogue from later in the story, but my god, I CANNOT get it off the ground.

3. Someone Must Get Hurt (But It Won’t Be Me) is supposed to be a pretty wholly Honerva-centric fic that starts...sometime in her youth?...and carries forward to an as-yet-undetermined point.  Probably her death.  I mean the first one.  I’m not sure.  Another chance to dig my fingers into Altean culture and Alchemy, this time leading up to All The Bad Shit That Happened, with the added bonus of being done from a focal point of a character I have a lot of really strong feelings about both positive and negative that’s resulted in me somehow being EVEN MORE wrapped up in her than I was before I added abject knee-jerk trauma hatred to the mix.  In no way meant to make Honerva more sympathetic, I think I just want to write her even more like my mother so I’ll feel EVEN BETTER about killing her?  Idk man my feelings about her are so complicated.  Also an excuse to write a shitpot of her and Zarkon because listen, I’m really glad they’re married because I ship them so fuckin hard.   Current Status: SO many notes.  SO much infrastructure.  Like three pages of an opening I’m almost definitely throwing away because I can’t decide where, when, or how to open but feel like this isn’t it.  One short but very telling scene of Honey and Zarkon from late in the story.  I’m obsessed with it but I can’t get anywhere. 

4. Currently Untitled Demon Hunter AU started because my wife talks to me about Happier HOPEless a LOT and I just got an itch in my bones to work on one myself.  In spite of the entire Demon Hunter AU thing getting started by a prompt on a Shance blog, neither Shiro nor Lance are set to appear for at least a chapter?  And I am not confident in my ability to not veer off into utter non-shipping anyway because man, am I bad at it.  Or like...just an entirely different ship for either or both of them.  Current Status: A lot of vague notes, a POWERFUL urge to structure the chapters and overall arc after Ripley’s Gates even though that limits my chapter count and means I will DEFINITELY have 20k+ word chapters, and about seven pages of the first chapter so I guess I’m committed now?

5. Currently Untitled Post Series Fic basically exists for me to vent my frustrations about two main things: The Universe is Fucking Huge And There Are Dangers Other Than Galra, and The Galra Empire Was Huge and Is Not Going To All Fall In Line Behind Voltron Coalition and Especially Behind Keith Who Just Arbitrarily Fucking Decided To Tell Them They Couldn't Pick A New Leader According To Their Own Traditions And Need To Do What They’re Told Now What The Fuck.  Also there was a lot of stuff in the series that got left hanging, and while ReVolt is an IN-series fix-it fic, I wanted something that patched up loose ends in a way that was satisfactory to me but also kind of canon-compliant.  Current Status: A lot of notes and screaming.  No one has seen my progress on this and they might never.

6. Dog Runs And Death Dreams is a warmup file turned deeply self-indulgent series of scenes in which I choose to assume that Shiro’s rare neuromuscular disorder was left so ambiguous so I could plug the symptoms of mine into it.  It’s genuinely not any deeper than that.  The whole thing is set pre-Kerberos, and includes copious Shiro x Adam content because of it, but also not the kind that makes me feel good about writing because that means it includes the ‘slow fizzle’ that leads up to their breakup before the mission.  Ugh.  Working on it does make me feel better when I've been having symptoms, though, and I’ve been letting myself write it, unchastised, in a really loose rambly way that I usually deride myself for.  It’s just cathartic.  Current Status: no notes, no plan, just strain-writing between seizures, but somehow it feels like it has some kind of structure and just keeps growing?  Possibly too close to the bone for me to ever post.

7. Birth and Rebirth was born out of two things: the fact that Zarkon is shown to have two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT reactions to first being presented with his baby son in different flashbacks and different seasons, and the fact that in spite of the flashbacks we get at the end of the series, earlier on, the impression I got of Lotor and Zarkon’s relationship wasn’t of a young man who had never had affection from his father, but who had instead lost it.  Well, three things: I have a lot of underlying issues at work, at play, and at large when it comes to the Galra Imperial Family.  Also, anyone notice the monitor blips in the first baby Lotor flashbacks indicate a heart murmur?  Anyway, it was supposed to be a thoroughly self-indulgent and thoroughly self-hurtful examination of Lotor’s early life and the death by degrees of what was left of his father in the husk Rift Adventures left behind, but I got stuck on it a little way in.   Current Progress: ten pages, a lot of notes, and some wistfulness.  I keep hoping I’ll get inspired to pick it back up again.  Contemplating rewriting some of the beginning, maybe it’ll help?

Bonus entry that is not actually in any form of progress soever:

50/50 Voltron Trashfire Edition is spawned from the ‘50/50′ challenge on an old TF board I used to haunt.  It’s a fifty-prompt smut challenge using the list of ‘50 reasons to have sex’ from some tv show, and the idea is to write a different ship for every prompt (hence the name).  My wife is blazing through it and has several (like twelve?) up on her AO3, but I’ll be utterly blunt: I haven’t written fifty porn fics in my LIFE.  Over ALL my fandoms.  Current Status: Literally all I have done is assign a ship to each prompt, and I might actually have some prompts with just question marks beside them still.  I have one aborted start to one entry.  That’s it.  It’s not happening.  But the empty file is technically in the folder, SO.

[mojaves]

3-10 for murphy tee hee

MURPHY TIME MURPHY TIME MURPHY TIME i need to yell about him more actually

3. How would they fare in a zombie apocalypse?

it depends on what murphy era it would be. like. stickman era he would die within a few days i think whrjfjf he is Smart but he is not healthy in the least so his brain would not help him in the process of withering away and dying. actual functional human man era murphy would do a LOT better and last a lot longer bc he Knows how to handle himself. he knows how to use a gun. dangerous scientist.

4. Where do they see themselves in five years? Ten?

he doesnt like thinking that far into the future it scares him, mostly bc in his line of work [and how reckless/impulsive he can be] he doesn't imagine a future for himself. he sees himself dying before 30 and gets scared and it sends him spiralling so he would much rather take it one week at a time or else he will throw up

5. What's their most useless, weirdest, or least marketable skill?

he glows in the dark on account of the kaiju blood in him. it serves absolutely no purpose. no one sees him in the dark anyway so no one would even Know he's bioluminescent. sometimes he will sit in his lab in the dark and go Hehe I'm A Little Light Boy. (: and then carries on like he did not just say that

6. What are they like in the bedroom - well-rounded lover or wooden plank?

you would imagine he is a plank bc he is So awkward around people and is not a people person in the slightest. but he knows what he likes and knows how to treat them right. he is very special and unpredictable in every facet of his life

7. Have they committed a crime before? Which one(s)?

murder. theft. arson. idk if potentially dangerous/borderline unethical experiments on himself count but theres also that. is he a little unstable? maybe. who cares he looks very pretty while doing it

8. If they were an animal, which one would they be? Which one would they think they'd be?

these questions always stump me i can never think of any animals wjdjfjf he would be. a cat. doesnt warm up to you very fast but once he's gotten over that barrier he will Not leave you alone. AND he is full of love. he would say he'd be a fly bc no one likes him BWEHFJFFHF. he has issues ok

9. Do they cheat to win or play by the rules?

entirely depends on the situation and who he's with but the majority of the time he decides rules dont apply to him and he can do whatever he wants. mostly with experiments, and what he can and can't test on himself. "no you cant do that you WILL die" they say. "ok" he says as he does it anyway and somehow lives to tell the tale. he likes finding answers.

10. What do they fantasize about?

having friends,,, or at least just, people who appreciate/tolerate his presence, who dont mock him the second they see him. he just wants to love and know that he is loved by others, and that he can keep them safe,,, he may be insane but he loves with every inch of himself

[temeraaires-blog]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 2 Song Starters

SUPER long post and some  a lot of these are nsfw. Feel free to change pronouns/names/do whatever. 

Theme Song

I’m just a girl in love.

I can’t be held responsible for my actions.

I have no underlying issues to address.

They say love makes you crazy.

Love Kernels

I can live for days off a single “you really listen to me.”

I’m like a sexy fashion cactus.

But how do I know he loves me?

I guess the only way to prove it is through abstract symbolism.

He gives me love kernels.

If you read between the lines he’s saying “I love you.”

I’m the most important person in his life, next to his friend.

God, I’m thirsty after all that popcorn.

Whatever you got, baby, I’ll take it, baby.

Your house smells like lemon.

I’ll take it.

It’s a stretch but I’ll take that too.

______ is now played by a broom on a stand.

We’ll do our best with what we have.

We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now

We should definitely not have sex right now.

I need time to reflect.

I’m in a really weird place.

There’s no reason to have sex again. But I’ll be ready to go again in ten.

Maybe This Dream

When I was a little girl, I felt like a princess.

I thought my dreams would come true, but then as I grew, the world was all like, "Nope.”

Maybe this dream won’t end in disgrace.

Maybe this dream is in reach.

Maybe this dream won’t be like my vibrator, breaking when I need it most.

Maybe this dream will finally me feel like I deserve a dream.

Greg’s Drinking Song

There’s joy and there’s glory more than you can think.

Yes, this is what happens to me when I drink.

I pee my pants!

Wow, I did not know it was that bad.

Chase down the regret with some gin for good luck.

I puke on my cat.

Poor little ____ did not expect that.

What happens when, I try to have one it just turns into ten.

That wasn’t a woman?

No, it was a bush.

So that’s where that scar comes from!

But he’s breaking his cycle and making a push!

He’s quitting his drinking.

I Could If I Wanted To (Reprise)

Whoop de frickin’ do.

My best friend is sleeping with my ex behind my back.

Who cares? I don’t.

But I could if I wanted---

Ping Pong Girl

Sports!

I could tell she’s the most perfect girl who’s ever existed.

Oh man, look at her pong that ping.

She does it for herself and that puts my fears to rest.

BRO!

She’s so aloof it borders on cold. And that’s what makes me want her.

Nothing’s hotter than a chick who’s good at sports.

She scored a thousand points!

I think I love her.

Ping pong shows she has control of her body, but it doesn’t threaten my masculinity like basketball or hockey.

She’s like Serena or Venus

She’s so indifferent. It makes me want a tangible commitment.

The Math of Love Triangles

What’s a girl to do when she’s stuck between men?

I wasn’t really listening

The center of the triangle is little ol’ me!

So I need to decide which man’s more acute.

Those are good puns, but please pay attention.

We’re starting to suspect you don’t sincerely want to know about triangles.

Is this a triangle?

No that’s a shoe.

No that’s you.

So I’m a triangle?

What? No!

Ooh, are you erect?

That’s really erect!

We’re tired of all your tangents.

You all deserve a kiss.

Lady, we’re all gay. We get nothing out of this.

It Was a Shit Show

I love you, yes.

The thought of staying is so enticing.

Then stay.

When you speak, my knees get weak.

I can’t believe what I’m sacrificing.

But let’s get real. We know the deal.

Darling, let’s not tiptoe.

This thing we had was not just bad. It was a shitshow.

We can’t undo, can’t make amends.

Disfunction is our lingua franca.

We can’t unscrew each other’s friends.

There’s hard to get, then there’s neglect.

To say it’s fate, you’d have to be a bit slow.

Not to be crass, but this sucked ass.

This was a shitshow.

We have chemistry, of course. But that’s a formula for divorce.

Oh what the hell, let’s get a hotel.

Life is short, and we’re not getting any younger.

But after sex what happens next...I mean, in the long run. Not just fatigue and hunger...

And when you say that I should stay, that’s exactly when I should split, though.

Though I won’t forget, I won’t regret.

Though I won’t forget, I won’t regret this beautiful, heart-stopping, breathtaking, life-changing…..

We Tapped That Ass

We tapped that ass all over this house.

Sometimes him. Sometimes me. Though never simultaneously.

But one of us was hitting it, usually.

That bed is really uncomfortable!

Right? It’s like a prison cot!

What? Too cheeky?

A little to the left/right

Wait! No, you’re doing it wrong. I’ll do it myself!

Barkeep! What’s on tap?

How much more tapping could one ass endure?

Thought Bubbles

Well, I don’t mind being alone.

I’m not afraid of what enters my mind when I’m so low.

I’m perfectly capable of taking of advantage of this time.

No, I don’t mind being alone with my thoughts.

That’s a bad thought!

I don’t like that thought!

What happens if I go to hell?

Chill out.

If I can’t hit the gym how will I ever be a good father?

Friendtopia

When my friends and I stick together there’s nothing we can’t do.

I specifically mean we’re going to stage a coup.

Squad goals!

A dystopia around our friendship

There’s a really exclusive sushi place that never lets us in.

Let’s just go home and drink rose.

I put drugs in the water supply.

Aww, I love Hocus Pocus.

Zig-a-zow!

Stuck in the Bathroom

Get me out of here!

Tonight was already super weird and now [you’re/she’s/he’s] stuck in the bathroom.

I have a deceptive amount of muscular strength thanks to my amazing core.

Her little bird arms aren’t going to do anything!

Whoever renovated this house did a terrible job!

I can’t believe it took us that long to come up with the most obvious solution.

Research Me Obsessively

Hey, what are you doing for the next, like, thirteen hours?

Don't do anything healthy. Don't be productive. Give in to your desire.

Find out everything you can about me

You Go First

We used to be there for each other, every second

I really wanna tell you that I'm sorry!

I really wanna tell you that I am the worst!

I just want to say I miss you every day!

This is almost entirely all my fault here. But you gotta admit it's just a tiny bit your fault too.

Sometimes you can be really passive aggressive!

Sometimes you can be really self-involved.

Go ahead and say you're kind of sorry! So I can say "Oh, no, no, no, please!” Just like I rehearsed!

If you open the door, I'll apologize so much more.

[But] You go first!

So Maternal

Parenting ain’t harrowing, demanding or traumatic!

Step aside ladies, give your babies to a Carol Brady level matriarch.

Low expectations - Raise ‘em up!

You know, I guess I just instinctively get how to be a mom and that's what sets me apart from other "mothers."

Damn, I’m so maternal!

Duh!

Duh! What was I thinking?

Can’t believe I couldn’t see it all along.

Don’t know what was going through my mind!

I’m just like -- ugh! God, I’m so stupid.

Looking back on old times. Like that one time. And that other time.

It’s so obvious!

Duh!

Who’s the New Guy?

Who's the new guy? I don't trust him

Do we really need a new guy this far into the season? And by "far into the season" I mean it's almost fall.

He's suspiciously good looking. In ways that normal people are not

Is this someone new we're gonna have to grow to care about?

Why should we root for someone male, straight and white?

We’ll Never Have Problems Again

We’ll never have problems again!

It's only smooth, smooth sailing from now on…

We used to have problems but now they're gone.

Do you remember, back when we had problems?

Man, that was annoying.

But now our love has magically solved [our problems].

And there won't be any more [problems] in our future at all!

Fine. I guess I’ll just Soul Train out of here.

The first test failed but that’s ‘cause it wasn’t true love. 

They say obsession biologically lasts four years at most but science doesn't apply to us.

Remember That We Suffered

But before you feel too great...remember that we suffered!

But we sing in a minor key to remember that we suffered!

Being happy is selfish!

You have no idea what pain is!

When I say 'we' you say 'suffered'!

Santa Ana Winds

Hello there, it's me.

I make things weird

That's science for "a pain in your asses"

They just got Santa Ana winded!

I'm a prankster. Tee-hee-hee-hee.

I just wanna see what will happen

You're looking really guilty

That kiss was all your fault!

I just reveal your deepest wishes and fears

So it's you, ________. It's not me who is super weird.

You ruined everything.

Let’s Have Intercourse

Unfortunately, I want to have sex with you

I don't know what happened

For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list

Let's get this over with so I can focus on other tasks

Just pretend I'm seducing you

Let's quickly have intercourse so I can move on with my life

Once we do it, it'll be like “Well, that's what that was like.”

I mean, obviously you want to, too

Just super quickly have intercourse

Sometimes my body wants things that my mind does not

My body wants things that make my mind go, "Uh, body, what?"

We're animals It's unfortunate.

So come on, let's contortion it!

I won't be back to normal till I see what your nipples look like.

Until we stop wasting time talking 'bout it and we super quickly, it'll only take a second, have intercourse.

Good thing I happen to have an old condom In my wallet

You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)

You’re my best friend, and I know I’m not yours.

And that’s okay.

I’m not your best friend.

I’m okay.

Friendship doesn’t have to be a two-way street.

I don’t need a shoulder to cry!

Your best friend is somebody else. But I get it.

I love you like a sister and you love me like a second cousin.

I said it’s okay! Really!

Man Nap

It’s a man nap!

Time to nap like a man!

Life is so tiring when you’re a man.

It’s exhausting being so damn strong.

‘Cause when a man gets older, his testosterone starts getting low.

Tell Me I’m Okay, Patrick

You represent the outside world because you don’t know me.

No pressure, but I seriously need to know.

‘Cause I think I’m fine ______, but I’m only, like, forty-three percent sure.

I’m sorry that I yelled.

Tell me I’m okay.

Period Sex

It’s period sex.

Put down a towel, party till it’s dry.

Are those sheets expensive?

I’ll Venmo you back for your sheets.

I hope you can get those sheets again.

What a Rush to be a Bride

Can you believe you snagged him?

Forever you will have him standing right there by your side.

I’ve been picturing this day since I’ve been a little girl.

Why veer from the classics?

Rebecca’s Reprise

You’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted.

It turns out magic exists.

Everything in the past will just fade away.

I’ll never have problems again.

[adambstingus]

How Sex Obsessed Culture Can Ruin Men’s Idea Of Sex

One thing that’s always bothered me is the weird-ass way that modern society sets up sex as its biggest selling point, while at the same time making its audience feel completely inadequate. I’m not just talking about marketing. Our entire culture is built upon that foundation, and it’s like watching a cannibal eating himself from the feet up. “You are woefully repulsive. But you don’t have to be! Buy our product, adopt our philosophy, join our cause.”

This subject is usually presented as a massive problem for women, and it absolutely is, but it’s often assumed that men are immune to its negative effects. I’m not trying to downplay or demean the hardships that women go through where this subject is concerned — I personally believe they have it exponentially harder than men in this area. Women don’t need or want one of the biggest issues in their lives “mansplained” to them. I just happen to relate to this topic, and since I’m a man, the reasoning behind my own issues are tilted in a different direction. I want to show you what it looks like when these problems manifest on the boner end of the spectrum.

You don’t want to see the wide shot of that.

To understand how it can snowball into such a huge issue, you first have to understand a basic concept in why we think the way we do. Before reading another sentence, stop and come up with ten words or short phrases to describe who or what you are.

“Donglord” isn’t a real word. Find a replacement and then continue reading.

The list you came up with likely ranges from the very basic “man” or “woman,” to more specific descriptions like “creative” or “caring” or “funk master.” When we define ourselves as individuals, we’re assigning worth by positioning ourselves as uniquely as possible. So, for example, if I start at the base, I can say, “I am a human.” I am a part of the whole. When I move up a level, I can assign gender, which separates me from that whole. I become a bit more unique, but still a part of a massive group. I’m also tall, which puts me in a still more specific group. I’m an editor. I’m a joker. I’m a smoker. I’m a midnight toker. And on and on, until I become unique.

When someone wants to emotionally destroy you, they often go for those obvious traits, because they’re easy pickings. But strangely, that doesn’t do much damage. If they convince you that you’re not actually creative, it sucks, but it’s not catastrophic. The biggest damage comes when they attack your foundation. If they can convince you that you’re not a human, that’s devastating, because they’ve just stripped away all of your value and rendered those unique traits pointless. Watch any argument against the LGBT community, or women, or minorities, and you’ll see that in action. That’s Asshole Tactics 101.

This is why the idea of “manhood” is so important to men, even if it’s just on a subconscious level. “Man” is the very first branch on that amoebic divide that gives us value. It is the foundation of our worth as individuals. I’m not talking about machismo or any of that dumb horseshit. If someone convinces us that we’re not “men,” we crumble. It’s the same with women. “You’re a fat, ugly pig. You’re built like a 12-year-old boy.”

“Stop! Your words … they burn!”

This is the entire basis for how the issue of sex affects men. It’s that foundation that sex culture pecks away at, purposely or not, and it can change a healthy libido into an anxiety-ridden ball of neurotic fear.

How It Starts

When I was a kid, porn was a physical medium that people stashed away in some kid-safe hiding spot, like the top shelf of a closet or inside some huge broccoli. Eventually, all children gave that “kid-safe” part the finger and found the stash anyway. Or in my case, it was just flat-out presented to me by friends and family members. One of my uncles showed me my first hardcore magazine at age three. I didn’t understand anything I was seeing, but I knew it was taboo, and I felt like I was being let into some sort of secret adult club. It was awesome, if gross and confusing.

I’ve mentioned before that my dad showed me my first porn video at age six. That was his method of teaching me what sex was, and when he was caught doing that by my grandma, they got into a huge argument. His defense was that he didn’t want me or my brother to “grow up to be queers.” Most of my family’s worldview can be boiled down to that scenario.

Now go get me another beer, and don’t you come back without a boner!

Whether the intentions are as creepy as my experiences or as “innocent” as two kids pulling up PornHub on a laptop in their tree house and giggling because “Tee-hee, boobs,” seeing this kind of sexual content at a young age warps your entire view of sex. Your first impression is seeing people jamming appendages in each others’ poop and pee holes. Women moaning in gape-mouthed ecstasy while two guys ejaculate on her face. Freak-dick men jamming their rods down a woman’s throat until she damn near pukes. But there’s something even weirder than that, which nobody ever talks about …

Most sex scenes in a video are based on two people who have just met. From an adult perspective that makes sense, because we didn’t pull up a porn video to watch people go through dating and commitment and forging a relationship. We came there for the dirty fucking. But for a kid whose only sexual education is coming from these videos, the lesson he takes away is: When you see someone you want to bone, just walk up to her, whip out your dick, and put your hand up her skirt. According to Ass Blaster 7, there is no such thing as consequences. And rejection doesn’t exist in the porn world at all. There is only, “Spot who you want to fuck, then walk over there and fuck her.”

Let’s not forget that for the first dozen or more years of your life, the idea of sex is just plain gross. It’s embarrassing to talk about and disgusting to think about. “I’m expected to do that? Pee comes out of there!” Still, adults tell you that one day you’ll change your mind — which, to a kid, is like telling them that one day they’ll enjoy swimming in raw sewage. At that age, those aren’t words of wisdom; they’re words of warning. That expectation becomes a seed of fear.

“Screw this, I’m outtie.”

It Perpetuates From There

As you approach your teen years, you start to notice that every facet of life has a sexual undertone. Movies, TV shows, music, jokes, fashion, video games … everything is laced with it. The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Porky’s, American Pie (which is basically Porky’s Part 5). Animal House is widely considered to be one of the greatest comedies of all time. When I was growing up, every music video was filled with strippers undulating while shitty bands played their shitty songs.

When you’re young and constantly horny, you buy into all of that. Pop music has always been aimed at teenagers, which is why it isn’t all that surprising that modern concerts look like strip bars. Why talented female singers spend a creepy amount of time bent over with their asses pointed at the audience. It’s why huge magazines and entertainment news shows can get away with so many stories about the current shape and condition of an actor’s body.

You’re inundated with sex at every corner, and the message to guys is, “If you’re not having sex, you are not a man. You are worthless and weak.” The irony is, as much as you’re bombarded with sex, and as important as they make it sound, you’re punished for talking about it. When I was four years old, my dad taught me to draw dicks because he thought it was hilarious. But when I did that on my own, I got yelled at and my drawing stuff was taken away. My uncles told me dirty jokes constantly when I was a teen, but if I told them one, I’d get chastised for it.

Sex is such a huge part of mainstream culture that if you’re not doing it, you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Eventually, it becomes a point of anxiety. Especially when you see actors and musicians in shots where women are throwing themselves at them (which was every video in the ’80s and ’90s).

You’re made to feel like if you’re cool enough and worthy enough, sex will be presented to you on a silver platter, like some sort of karmic reward. When that doesn’t happen, you feel like an ugly, unwanted piece of shit. You start to resent the idea of sex, because it’s been made clear by the lack of female attention that you’re not good enough to have it. And even though there has been no interaction between you and those girls, their lack of approach feels like rejection. You are not a man. You are not desirable. You have no worth. You are a Chad.

And the sexual anxiety climbs another rung.

Being A Teenager Makes It So Much Worse

So now you’re morphing into sexual maturity, and every urge and emotion has gone nuclear. Happiness is manic. Sadness is depression. Your mom is questioning your diet because you’ve taken five long bathroom trips today, but she doesn’t realize you’re not exactly pooping in there. It’s a confusing, frustrating mess, but you cope.

Meanwhile, the world is just starting to pummel you with its ridiculous bullshit. As a guy, you’re expected to lose your virginity at a disturbingly young age. Being a virgin past your teen years is considered sacrilege. My dad was so concerned about my virginity that he wanted to get me a prostitute at age 13. When I refused, he lost his shit, and after screaming at me for a while, finally landed on his old go-to: “What are you, a fucking queer?!”

“What’d I tell you about that beer, boy? Good job on the boner, though.”

Again, I understand that exchanges like that aren’t normal, and it most definitely played a large part in my eventual fear of sex. But even outside of that dysfunctional family setting, guys run into unhealthy pressure constantly. If your male friends find out you’re a virgin, you are relentlessly mocked until you finally give in and lie about having been laid. That’s where that tired old joke comes from: “You wouldn’t know her; she’s from Canada.” Guys get so embarrassed that they haven’t been laid by age 15 that they just want the bullshit to stop.

See, girls are taught that sex is the worst thing you could do. Having sex, especially with multiple partners, is something to be ashamed about. Do that and you’re a slut. Boys are taught that it’s the gateway to manhood. Not having sex is something to be ashamed about. It means you’re still a boy. And “boy” is emotional and social death.

When you’re a teenage male, that pressure from your friends is nonstop. Every conversation tightly revolves around sex, and your manhood is judged by not only how often you have it, but how many different girls you’ve banged. It’s everything. “I fucked this girl last week. Who are you fucking? How many times did you fuck this week? My girlfriend and I fucked for 6,000 hours last Saturday. Look at that slut over there. I’d fuck the shit out of her. But her friend is gross. I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick. OH GOD, WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING ME?!”

Wait, why am I still in high school at 45?

So now the expectations have built up to the point where you recoil from talking to your friends because you know the conversation is going to come up. So not only does the conversation jump start your sexual anxiety, but the mere thought of talking about it does.

Another rung.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/how-sex-obsessed-culture-can-ruin-mens-idea-of-sex/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/184053538897

[mmymoon]

I AM SUMMONED--

If I am qualified to answer anything in this life, it’s how to dress goth while being absolutely exhausted as fuck. (I’ve had many diagnoses in this life, but CFS/ME/MCAS/POTS/Chiari/what have you, probably some hypermobility I haven’t felt like doing the workup for.)

I’ve actually often considered doing a blog (or tumblr) about this topic specifically, but uh… yeah, fatigued. But now! Now is my time to infodump.

Cut for a massive dissertation on clothes, hair, makeup, etc. going over ease of dressing/styling, ease of washing, and sensory/allergy issues:

Now, the first and most crucial thing is that romantic goth is the easiest lazy route -- I’m sure there are some fatigued deathrock tips out there (which I originally typoed as rips, hee) but nothing is as easy to throw on as a long flowing dress. (Or long flowing poet shirt if you’re into menswear, but I admit I’m going to primarily be talking about femmey clothes.) Also be on the lookout for NATURAL FIBERS as I find those irritate sensory disorders a lot less, and help with wonky heating/cooling. As you obtain a new wardrobe you’re happy enough with, I recommend getting rid of daily wear stuff you don’t actually like to wear, because it will just remind you of what you’ve lost. (Keep some special pieces, but you don’t need uncomfy casual wear.)

COMFORTABLE DRESSES

Now, my #1 recommendation for sickly goth femmes: Lotus Traders. (Website - Etsy storefront - eBay - I think eBay might have the best sales but I have not checked lately.)

The designer used to work for the Pyramid Collection (old eldergoth favorite back in the day before specialized goth brands) and she herself has CFS, so moved to a tropical climate and started designing fair trade romantic comfy wear. The easiest things to pull on and still look put together, and they hold up to being washed and dried repeatedly... they tend to use a very soft rayon that is remarkably colorfast. Some of my pieces are a DECADE old, after being washed and dried -- which is such a textile sin. The knits degrade a bit faster than the wovens, though, but I’ve put all of them through hell. They will fit throughout massive size fluctuations common in fatigue disorders. Comfy enough to wear as nightgowns, presentable enough to go out in, and they keep making the same styles with no fear of discontinuing. This is my TOP recommendation if people like the flowy pieces. 

Notable mention is HolyClothing, but imho that skews a bit “renfaire enthusiast” and their fabric tends to fade and shrink. I have enjoyed many of their pieces over the years, but haven’t really kept any.

Also worth keeping an eye on eShakti, particularly for the black jersey knit pieces. It can be a lot tricker to size than the endlessly forgiving flowy pieces but I find the knit ones really comfy and professional looking, and they’ve had some downright Morticia Addams pieces on there before. I have a lot of this in my wardrobe. Styles do change rapidly, though.

Cocktail dresses -- Laura Byrnes and Vixen make some really nice super fancy gothy pieces (some of the LB ones with bengaline shapers I can wear without a bra) but they’re $$$ so I just keep an eye on secondhand sites like Mercari and Poshmark. Outerwear -- If you can fully commit to the ridiculous romantigoth look, capes are usually awesome for fatigue disorders... nice and warm and snuggly without binding your arms. I have one that’s velvet lined with flannel and it’s like wearing a sleeping bag. Casual wear -- band tee shirts with the neck cut out are an eldergoth staple and tend to be nicer for sensory issues. Old Navy used to do really fun Halloween pajama pants every year but I haven’t seen many fun ones in the last few. Bloomers (DIY or cotton lolita ones) can be a slightly gothy/dressy alternative for slouching around the house in. Broomstick skirts in black are what fat goth girls wore for many many years. (”Strega” cracked me up as a style, because it was... literally what every eldergoth just wore to brunch in the 90s.) Old Navy also has a lot of solid black layering pieces, tees and tanks and camis and cardigans and skirts and such, often in 100% cotton or non-allergic acrylic knits. (I love long cardigans because I am always cold in the winter.) 

Remember, if it’s black, it’s goth. A simple black tee and skirt still counts as goth.

SHAPEWEAR AND UNDERGARMENTS

While a lot of people recommend soft cotton sports bras or something, I straight up did not wear a bra for many, many years because of my issues -- and I have massive boobs, so that was A Big Deal. (I did my best with dresses with shirring and always wearing jackets, blah but no, no, people commented a LOT.)

Still, the Lotus Traders dresses help lend to the “romantic novel heroine” look even without a bra.

People don’t consider how much a bra is basically like a tourniquet around your heart (YES, even if it’s correctly fitted) so people with circulation problems or heart issues (like POTS) can be made much, much worse by bra wearing. Still, even though I have way more treatment options than I used to, I fatigue VERY quickly if I’m wearing a bra. 

But while it’s not for everyone (some people’s fibro cannot deal at all) I actually eventually found out I was very helped by COMPRESSION. Which is to say... corsets and stockings, but they have to be CORRECTLY FITTED. 

I found great relief with correctly fitted overbust, because it would help keep the blood flowing right up into my heart (and brain). Despite the nattering about correctly fitted bras and underbust corsets, I find I ONLY get the positive effects if it’s an overbust with gentle compression (no tightlacing) that correctly fits my measurements, up to my heart.

(Because I have huge boobs and large hip spring, other than a few artisan corsets, I pretty much exclusively wear Mystic City Corsets.)  

For a long time, I would just wear a long flowing chemise dress at home, and then fasten on a corset as outerwear if I needed to leave the house (and take it off when I got back home). That way, I could adjust if need be... although I have a few to “stealth” if I need to look like a normal person.

Every time a wear a corset all day, or am even going to be on my feet a lot (for events, etc.) I wear compression stockings. Supposedly it’s better if you wear the full panty kind, but I pee too much/dislike the feeling so I wear thigh-high compression stocking on my abdomen. I find the sheers the most comfortable for long-term wear, and a lot of them have lace on them.... Seriously, what’s more sexy and gothy than sheer thigh-high stockings with lace? 

Those compression stockings cost a lot, though, so I would tend to wear Sock Dreams long socks over them to protect them from snags, and also because I am always cold. (And usually a pair of fuzzy socks for padding and to keep my toes extra warm to stave off Raynaud’s.)

SHOES

This one is going to be highly personal. My biggest general tip is to check out the nursing brands of shoes, because they tend to be the most comfortable. My favorite is Alegria (which comes in all sorts of patterns, and has replaceable insoles including wide width and HIGH ARCH ones) and used to be Nursemates, although I haven’t liked any of their styles in a while. A lot of people recommend Dansko, but I find them too heavy. Some gothy fatigued people still love Fluevog and Doc Martens, although they both run narrow now in women’s sizes -- I do have older pairs that fit me. Some Demonias are still surprisingly comfortable. It’s really personal, though, as I need wide and lightweight, but actually do well with a slight heel due to my high arches, if I can’t just get a proper insole. ACCESSORIES

Jewelery was a huge comfort to me when I first got sick, because I could still express myself without having to wear too much. A lot of bracelets and rings were at some points too fiddly/painful for me, but I could always wear a nice beaded chain and pendant… I highly recommend letting that be a big part of a fatigued style. (Plus, getting into making jewelery can be a pretty low-spoons creative hobby.)

Crip Tip: Hot gluing fake flowers onto bobby pins actually makes them MUCH easier to manipulate and put into your hair as an accessibility aid, but everyone just thinks it’s for fashion’s sake. (I like the jumbo long pins, black hot glue, and black roses, but I’ve made a few others to coordinate with rare color accents.) Of course one can do little plastic spiders or bats or charms, but the fake flowers are pretty soft and don’t snag, and can be washed out if they get allergens in them.

HAIR

So, let’s talk hair -- I usually just let my curls grow really long to go with the romantic, flowy goth look. That can be too many damn spoons, though; even if you know how to take care of your hair correctly for your texture, it’s just a lot of WORK. (I had 3 feet of hair at my longest!) At the beginning of summer I, who am known for my long hair, chopped mine down to chin-length because it was just too many spoons for lockdown. (It might be grown out before I leave, ha!) If you want shorter hair, a really low-energy thing to do is to leave enough to pull into a nubby ponytail and just use the drawstring ponytails. (I find the drawstring ones specifically to be less irritating than claw clips or half-wigs. It kind of just feels like wearing a scrunchie.) That way you can have a really “polished” look by simply pulling your hair up and clipping it in… I did that for years at my sickest, and I would do it now if I ever needed to go anywhere. You get the best cheapest range if your hair is dark enough to order from Black beauty suppliers, but even blonde/redhead white girls can find pieces -- I think cheerleading uses them a lot. They can also be washed and styled if they get full of allergens.

DYE

A lot of goth cripples still maintain their BRIGHT DYED hair as a way to assert their personality -- I had briiiight pink hair going into a lot of surgeries. While having a big mass of colored hair is fun, you probably need a understanding friend to touch up the bleach. It’s easiest just to do the “bangs” section, or, the lowest spoon option is to bleach out the tips of your hair only, as it only rarely needs to be re-bleached. (Plus, then you can use one of those drawstring ponytails to hide the colored bits if you need to look normal for a day, or clip it under/wear a bun if it’s naturally long.) Conventional goth wisdom is to get the highest staining dye possible -- Special Effects, Arctic Fox, Fudge, etc. -- but I actually think the opposite is true. A high staining dye requires a lot of spoons to keep it from dying your bathroom and the rest of your body, making it a whole ordeal, but a LOW staining dye (original Manic Panic, Adore) is usually so light you can usually just slather it on before a bath and then wash your hands off. (At least in my experience, even dark blues would come off of my hands if I just soaked in the bath a while, while the dye set.) Since it’s easier, you can touch up the dye weekly, or the night before a big event, without stressing -- and a weekly refreshed dye is always going to look better than an older one, even from the highest staining brands. Plus, then there’s no reason to avoid water therapies (hot tubs, pools, spa days) that might be helpful for chronic illnesses. You can just redye without stress.  (Also, Adore is VERY inexpensive compared to the trendier brands.)

SKINCARE & SCENT Highly individual, but given all of our general allergies, I find a lot of chronically ill people do well with plain clay/mud for a face masks (maybe with some rose petal powder) and argan oil for a hair/skin moisturizer. (I also myself like snail cream, especially Benton essence or Mizon Black,  but I actually have friends who are allergic to SNAIL!) A lot of old-school goths walk around in a small cloud of perfume -- and BPAL is/was a trendy trendy goth thing -- but I find pure rose essence oil or rose otto does not irritate my allergies and tends to be almost universally intoxicating. 

MAKEUP I find doing my eyeliner and eyebrows makes the biggest change in if I feel like myself or not… I am guilty of going too long when sick (I was in isolation many times previously in my life!) without doing it and feeling weird. I find cream/gel eyeliner and a small angled liner brush to be much easier for doing dramatic eyeliner/brows than liquid. (As a plus side, it makes for pretty smudge-proof brows. Fuck those overpriced pomades.) ELF makes a really nice cheap angled liner. I also really recommend depotting ALL your makeup and creating personalized magnetic palettes. You don’t have to go full minimalist, but creating one with the products you actually use a lot (and maybe a secondary look, or an overflow for all the “play” shades) really streamlines the process and saves on spoons not to have to open a bunch of palettes and products. Plus, you have your own specialized tool instead of someone else’s marketing.

(Bonus fun craft: Cover with faux leather and paint “Book of Shadows” or “Charms and Glamours” or “Handbook for the Recently Deceased” or whatever… I have done many different books over the years. Washi tape also looks cool on them.)

Liquid lipstick is great if your hands are steady enough for it (practice before bathing!) since you can do it once and not really think about it for the rest of the day, although I find the drier formulas actually last longest. Sephora is my favorite so far but I still miss the old Max Factor and MAC formulas. (Outlast/Colorstay drugstore ones are nice but have a pretty limited shade range, but usually has at least one gothy purple.)

If you paint your nails messily and then take a bath, the polish will generally chip off of your skin, leaving you with a perfect manicure without stress.. If you do this while dying your hair, though, the dye will cast onto the polish. Which can honestly be a neat effect. 

Don’t try in vain to conceal your dark circles. It’s a futile exercise and you’re goth, it’s part of the look.

So… there are all of the tips I can think of off the top of my head tonight. I’m sure others might come to me. Nothing is an affiliate link or sponsored, I just have thought about this for yeaaaaars. If anything in the world is my special interest, THIS IS MY SPECIAL INTEREST. 

Does anyone else relate to this?

If so please message me any tips and tricks for still dressing gothy but in an accessible and comfortable way

Or just let me know you understand. Please

[allofbeercom]

How Sex Obsessed Culture Can Ruin Men’s Idea Of Sex

One thing that’s always bothered me is the weird-ass way that modern society sets up sex as its biggest selling point, while at the same time making its audience feel completely inadequate. I’m not just talking about marketing. Our entire culture is built upon that foundation, and it’s like watching a cannibal eating himself from the feet up. “You are woefully repulsive. But you don’t have to be! Buy our product, adopt our philosophy, join our cause.”

This subject is usually presented as a massive problem for women, and it absolutely is, but it’s often assumed that men are immune to its negative effects. I’m not trying to downplay or demean the hardships that women go through where this subject is concerned — I personally believe they have it exponentially harder than men in this area. Women don’t need or want one of the biggest issues in their lives “mansplained” to them. I just happen to relate to this topic, and since I’m a man, the reasoning behind my own issues are tilted in a different direction. I want to show you what it looks like when these problems manifest on the boner end of the spectrum.

You don’t want to see the wide shot of that.

To understand how it can snowball into such a huge issue, you first have to understand a basic concept in why we think the way we do. Before reading another sentence, stop and come up with ten words or short phrases to describe who or what you are.

“Donglord” isn’t a real word. Find a replacement and then continue reading.

The list you came up with likely ranges from the very basic “man” or “woman,” to more specific descriptions like “creative” or “caring” or “funk master.” When we define ourselves as individuals, we’re assigning worth by positioning ourselves as uniquely as possible. So, for example, if I start at the base, I can say, “I am a human.” I am a part of the whole. When I move up a level, I can assign gender, which separates me from that whole. I become a bit more unique, but still a part of a massive group. I’m also tall, which puts me in a still more specific group. I’m an editor. I’m a joker. I’m a smoker. I’m a midnight toker. And on and on, until I become unique.

When someone wants to emotionally destroy you, they often go for those obvious traits, because they’re easy pickings. But strangely, that doesn’t do much damage. If they convince you that you’re not actually creative, it sucks, but it’s not catastrophic. The biggest damage comes when they attack your foundation. If they can convince you that you’re not a human, that’s devastating, because they’ve just stripped away all of your value and rendered those unique traits pointless. Watch any argument against the LGBT community, or women, or minorities, and you’ll see that in action. That’s Asshole Tactics 101.

This is why the idea of “manhood” is so important to men, even if it’s just on a subconscious level. “Man” is the very first branch on that amoebic divide that gives us value. It is the foundation of our worth as individuals. I’m not talking about machismo or any of that dumb horseshit. If someone convinces us that we’re not “men,” we crumble. It’s the same with women. “You’re a fat, ugly pig. You’re built like a 12-year-old boy.”

“Stop! Your words … they burn!”

This is the entire basis for how the issue of sex affects men. It’s that foundation that sex culture pecks away at, purposely or not, and it can change a healthy libido into an anxiety-ridden ball of neurotic fear.

How It Starts

When I was a kid, porn was a physical medium that people stashed away in some kid-safe hiding spot, like the top shelf of a closet or inside some huge broccoli. Eventually, all children gave that “kid-safe” part the finger and found the stash anyway. Or in my case, it was just flat-out presented to me by friends and family members. One of my uncles showed me my first hardcore magazine at age three. I didn’t understand anything I was seeing, but I knew it was taboo, and I felt like I was being let into some sort of secret adult club. It was awesome, if gross and confusing.

I’ve mentioned before that my dad showed me my first porn video at age six. That was his method of teaching me what sex was, and when he was caught doing that by my grandma, they got into a huge argument. His defense was that he didn’t want me or my brother to “grow up to be queers.” Most of my family’s worldview can be boiled down to that scenario.

Now go get me another beer, and don’t you come back without a boner!

Whether the intentions are as creepy as my experiences or as “innocent” as two kids pulling up PornHub on a laptop in their tree house and giggling because “Tee-hee, boobs,” seeing this kind of sexual content at a young age warps your entire view of sex. Your first impression is seeing people jamming appendages in each others’ poop and pee holes. Women moaning in gape-mouthed ecstasy while two guys ejaculate on her face. Freak-dick men jamming their rods down a woman’s throat until she damn near pukes. But there’s something even weirder than that, which nobody ever talks about …

Most sex scenes in a video are based on two people who have just met. From an adult perspective that makes sense, because we didn’t pull up a porn video to watch people go through dating and commitment and forging a relationship. We came there for the dirty fucking. But for a kid whose only sexual education is coming from these videos, the lesson he takes away is: When you see someone you want to bone, just walk up to her, whip out your dick, and put your hand up her skirt. According to Ass Blaster 7, there is no such thing as consequences. And rejection doesn’t exist in the porn world at all. There is only, “Spot who you want to fuck, then walk over there and fuck her.”

Let’s not forget that for the first dozen or more years of your life, the idea of sex is just plain gross. It’s embarrassing to talk about and disgusting to think about. “I’m expected to do that? Pee comes out of there!” Still, adults tell you that one day you’ll change your mind — which, to a kid, is like telling them that one day they’ll enjoy swimming in raw sewage. At that age, those aren’t words of wisdom; they’re words of warning. That expectation becomes a seed of fear.

“Screw this, I’m outtie.”

It Perpetuates From There

As you approach your teen years, you start to notice that every facet of life has a sexual undertone. Movies, TV shows, music, jokes, fashion, video games … everything is laced with it. The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Porky’s, American Pie (which is basically Porky’s Part 5). Animal House is widely considered to be one of the greatest comedies of all time. When I was growing up, every music video was filled with strippers undulating while shitty bands played their shitty songs.

When you’re young and constantly horny, you buy into all of that. Pop music has always been aimed at teenagers, which is why it isn’t all that surprising that modern concerts look like strip bars. Why talented female singers spend a creepy amount of time bent over with their asses pointed at the audience. It’s why huge magazines and entertainment news shows can get away with so many stories about the current shape and condition of an actor’s body.

You’re inundated with sex at every corner, and the message to guys is, “If you’re not having sex, you are not a man. You are worthless and weak.” The irony is, as much as you’re bombarded with sex, and as important as they make it sound, you’re punished for talking about it. When I was four years old, my dad taught me to draw dicks because he thought it was hilarious. But when I did that on my own, I got yelled at and my drawing stuff was taken away. My uncles told me dirty jokes constantly when I was a teen, but if I told them one, I’d get chastised for it.

Sex is such a huge part of mainstream culture that if you’re not doing it, you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Eventually, it becomes a point of anxiety. Especially when you see actors and musicians in shots where women are throwing themselves at them (which was every video in the ’80s and ’90s).

You’re made to feel like if you’re cool enough and worthy enough, sex will be presented to you on a silver platter, like some sort of karmic reward. When that doesn’t happen, you feel like an ugly, unwanted piece of shit. You start to resent the idea of sex, because it’s been made clear by the lack of female attention that you’re not good enough to have it. And even though there has been no interaction between you and those girls, their lack of approach feels like rejection. You are not a man. You are not desirable. You have no worth. You are a Chad.

And the sexual anxiety climbs another rung.

Being A Teenager Makes It So Much Worse

So now you’re morphing into sexual maturity, and every urge and emotion has gone nuclear. Happiness is manic. Sadness is depression. Your mom is questioning your diet because you’ve taken five long bathroom trips today, but she doesn’t realize you’re not exactly pooping in there. It’s a confusing, frustrating mess, but you cope.

Meanwhile, the world is just starting to pummel you with its ridiculous bullshit. As a guy, you’re expected to lose your virginity at a disturbingly young age. Being a virgin past your teen years is considered sacrilege. My dad was so concerned about my virginity that he wanted to get me a prostitute at age 13. When I refused, he lost his shit, and after screaming at me for a while, finally landed on his old go-to: “What are you, a fucking queer?!”

“What’d I tell you about that beer, boy? Good job on the boner, though.”

Again, I understand that exchanges like that aren’t normal, and it most definitely played a large part in my eventual fear of sex. But even outside of that dysfunctional family setting, guys run into unhealthy pressure constantly. If your male friends find out you’re a virgin, you are relentlessly mocked until you finally give in and lie about having been laid. That’s where that tired old joke comes from: “You wouldn’t know her; she’s from Canada.” Guys get so embarrassed that they haven’t been laid by age 15 that they just want the bullshit to stop.

See, girls are taught that sex is the worst thing you could do. Having sex, especially with multiple partners, is something to be ashamed about. Do that and you’re a slut. Boys are taught that it’s the gateway to manhood. Not having sex is something to be ashamed about. It means you’re still a boy. And “boy” is emotional and social death.

When you’re a teenage male, that pressure from your friends is nonstop. Every conversation tightly revolves around sex, and your manhood is judged by not only how often you have it, but how many different girls you’ve banged. It’s everything. “I fucked this girl last week. Who are you fucking? How many times did you fuck this week? My girlfriend and I fucked for 6,000 hours last Saturday. Look at that slut over there. I’d fuck the shit out of her. But her friend is gross. I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick. OH GOD, WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING ME?!”

Wait, why am I still in high school at 45?

So now the expectations have built up to the point where you recoil from talking to your friends because you know the conversation is going to come up. So not only does the conversation jump start your sexual anxiety, but the mere thought of talking about it does.

Another rung.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/how-sex-obsessed-culture-can-ruin-mens-idea-of-sex/