#and I just bought so much perishable food that I'm not going to want to eat all week lol fuck ah well

[foreignobjecticus]

TMI bitching but also not because I firmly believe we need to get over not talking about menstruation, but also I don't care to talk about it myself because I personally loathe it, BUT

it's apparently been 7 months since the last time I menstruated which is fabulous (thank you ultimately unpredictable but still wonderful hormone pills) BUT 7 months is still way too fucking soon. Now I'm looking at my schedule like "yeah, alrighttttt, I supposeeeee I can fit you in. But you better not fuck me over too much on Monday; I've got a lot of standing up that day".

[foodandfolklore]

Kitchen Basics and Essentials

Earlier I made a quick list of Kitchen Witch Essentials, and planned to expand on it later. However, my list was made with the assumption that you have the basics to cook with. So, I figured I'd go over them to ensure we're all on the same page moving forward.

I am not a professionally trained chef. I'm just a Canadian home cook who's had an interest in cooking since young. Not everything I think is important, other home cooks will think is important. But I think we can agree on about 90% of what I list.

Utensils

Knives. Any list about Kitchen essentials, the Chef's knife will be right at the top. But you'll actually need 2, maybe 3 knives. The chef's knife, as mentioned, or just a main working knife. It's knife used for cutting up everything from meat to veggies to garnish. If you prefer to use a Chinese Cleaver, go for it. Your second knife you should have is a paring knife. Basically a small knife. It's good for more delicate work like eyeing potatoes, cutting up berries, stuff like that. Now most people will tell you, that's all the knives you really need, but I recommend one more. Particularly if you are going to get into bread making. A serrated knife like a bread knife. It is so hard to cut bread with a flat edge, because you end up squishing it. The serrated knife will cut crusty bread without issue.

Pots and Pans. I think it's fair to assume you have at least two pots and a pan or skillet. You can boil pasta and cook sauce at the same time with the option to fry an egg if you wanted to.

Cutting Board. Protect your surfaces and your knives and use your cutting board! I see you quickly chopping up veggies on a plate. Having multiple cutting boards can be quite useful for when you are preparing something like meat. I like to use a plastic cutting board to do most of my meat cutting on so it can be easily put in my dishwasher when done.

Vegetable Peeler. There's a lot of different kinds of peelers. Some are fancy, some can turn vegetables into noodles, some are electric; I'm just talking the basic hand held vegetable peeler. It does a lot without taking up much space.

Measuring Cups and Spoons. Super important to have if you're following directions from another recipe. As you get more experience, you'll find yourself measuring every ingredient less and less. But if you're baking, or trying something new, measure.

Mixing Bowl. Your cereal bowls are only going to get you so far. A mixing bowl can hold Salads, marinating meat, pancake batter- just not at the same time. If you enjoy baking, you will want more than one.

Baking Trays. Ideally two of these. Most known for cookies, but used for roasting all kinds of things in the oven. It's also good to put one in under the rack of something that drips while cooking. Lasagna is bad for this. Catching the falling food on a baking tray makes clean up way easier.

Appliances

Stove. Doesn't matter if it's gas, electric, induction; how many heating elements you have; I'm assuming you have a stove.

Oven. Since most stoves are built into an oven, I am going to assume you also have an oven. I know not every place is allowed to have one, but chances are if you're interested in Kitchen witchcraft, you have access to these things.

Microwave. These days, they are everywhere. Some apartments will be built with a kitchenet which has no stove, but definitely a microwave. These are super helpful, melting butter, defrosting ingredients, while being very safe.

Fridge/Freezer. The modern standard of food preservation. Every home that consumes perishables has at lest one; and it's not uncommon for a large family to have more than one fridge or freezer.

Also

Salt. If you're cooking, you're gunna need salt. Especially if you're going down the route of Kitchen Witchcraft. Not a lot; I got excited one time and bought like 5 different kinds of salt. I'll probably be dead before I use it all. You don't need a bunch or even fancy salts. Just get a box of salt; Kosher, Sea, Pink, whatever. Even the finely ground iodize salt will work.

Oven Mitts. Pulling stuff out of the oven is hot! Protect yourself from burns.

[happigreens]

Many of my homecooked meals lately have been vegan or plant based and with locally-sourced ingredients! :-)

Ive made homemade eggdrop soup using backyard eggs and kale from the city market, for instance. Ive been using that kale for many meals. Also zucchini and squash and locally made siopao from Filipino markets. Very good stuff!

(Left to right: homemade eggdrop soup w mushrooms, kale, and backyard eggs from a local farmer; steamed zucchini and squash from the city market and local chicken siopao with rice; Beyond Meat bratwurst and steamed kale from the market on ricebed).

My next goal is to buy some animal products from local (and preferably black and brown) farmers with humane practices for the animals. While I probably wont go back vegan again, the 5 or 6 yrs of being vegan in some of my formal yrs rlly changed my palate for the better. So i dont rlly crave meat as much anymore, and when I do, its cuz I know its a desire for unami flavors and certain textures of food, not meat specifically. That to say I will find such animal farmers for the bit of meat and animals products to supplement a mostly plant based diet I want to curate.

I just bought a nice blender from GoodWill, so I'm excited to start making homemade smoothies with the produce I get from the local market! I stay on the lookout at supermarket chains for cheap yogurt by remembering their sell-by dates since theyyre so perishible and going back to the store to take advantage of their discounts. I currently have almost a pint of unflavored, unsweetened almond milk yogurt to use so I'm really exited to start experimenting with my (relatively) new blender!

[liarist]

Comedy

Chapter 3: The Identity No warnings

As I woke up, I let out a big yawn, got dressed, and checked the weather for the day. I put on a black wig with bangs, lightly applied makeup, and then wore a coat.

"I'm going out; I'll be back in a bit," I informed. "Do you need me to buy anything?"

"If you can bring coffee or energy drinks, I'd appreciate it," Jake replied.

While I was on the bus, I found another photo in Hannah's cloud. It was a picture of a cat, and I almost melted from cuteness. I sent it to Jake along with a bunch of heart-eyed emojis.

After a couple of hours, I reached my destination. I bought myself a coffee from a café and sat on the terrace. Five minutes later, someone joined me.

"This has been quite unexpected, R," P said, leaving an envelope on the table. I took it and placed it in my bag. "You're lucky I was nearby."

"I know, thank you, P," I said. "It's really important, how much do I owe you?"

"Double the usual amount," P replied. I nodded and left the money on the table. "I'm genuinely grateful for this."

"Can I ask about the other person?" P inquired.

"I was planning on taking a vacation, and unexpectedly, among other things, this came up. But it's nothing bad, or at least I hope so," I said, taking a sip of my coffee. "These… cards… are necessary for emergencies with a partner I'm working with."

"Well, everything you need is there. If you need anything else, just let me know," P said, getting up and leaving.

I finished my coffee and took the bus back.

Thomas: And?

Rebekah: What?

Thomas: Have you looked at Hannah's photos? Do you remember her?

Rebekah: I've seen them, and I was hoping to recognize her from one of my trips, but I'm sorry to say I don't. As you may have noticed, I'm not from this area, so the only way I would have seen her is if I had encountered her during one of my travels.

Thomas: Oh. Okay. I see.

And he disconnects.

Jake: Sorry I didn't message you earlier. Clue number three?

Rebekah: Yes, that's right. The second clue is a bridge in a forest, and the third clue is a beautiful cat.

Jake: Hmm, I'll try to find out some information about these photos.

Rebekah: What could be in these photos?

Jake: Metadata: where the photos were taken, when Hannah uploaded them to the cloud… The more I know, the better. Give me some time. Oh, one more thing. I have another clue for you: ID47013. The police are onto Thomas, Hannah's boyfriend. You should focus on someone else.

Rebekah: Do I have to call the number?

Jake: No, enter it in your contacts. It's at the top right where you see the messages.

I do as he says and see that the number is for Dan.

I get off the bus and stop by the supermarket to buy the energy drinks Jake requested. We didn't have many things in the house, so I should buy some more.

I made a list on my phone:

Thermos cups for coffee

Kettle

A couple of blankets because it gets really cold at night

Coffee

Sugar

Energy drinks (a lot of them)

Non-perishable food items

Gas for the camping stove

I think that should be enough, but let's be realistic—I'll probably come back with more things than what's on the list.

When I arrive home, I knock on the door, and Jake opens it. He raises his eyebrows when he sees me and helps me with the bags.

"I thought you were only going to bring coffee and energy drinks," he murmurs.

"I'm a danger when I go shopping; everything becomes important when I see it," I tell him.

We start placing the items on the table.

"Looks like these are indeed important things," he says, checking the purchases.

"Yes, I don't plan on surviving on instant food," I say. "And I don't want to be cold at night."

"Well, I guess I can't refuse," he remarks.

"Oh, I brought this," I say, taking out the envelope I had stored in my bag. "Today, I met up with my contact for documents. I had to retrieve them all soon anyway, so I thought it would be a good idea to do it now, and I took the liberty of requesting papers for you as well." I hand him his documents. "There's an ID card, passport, motorcycle, and car driver's license. There's also work information with all the details. The passport provides access to most countries, and more than 40 are visa-free."

"What about this? 'Rebekah'?" He looks noticeably surprised.

"It's for the times when we may need to escape. It helps us maintain a low profile. I can tell you from experience that I've never had any problems with this documentation; it's very reliable," I explain.

"Thank you so much, truly, thank you, Rebekah. I don't know how to thank you."

"I know what it's like to have to live on the run, and I know the relief that comes with having these papers. I feel a sense of peace with them. We're in this together, Jake," I smile.

[cantuscorvi]

"Taste" a palm was cradled beneath his spoon as he guided it to Raums lips, always overly keen on keeping the kitchen as spotless as it started out to be. As he sampled, Sullivan felt his lips pulling into a gentle smile. Cooking for others was forever a love language for him. There was some satisfying knowing you were taking care of something as intimate and important as a meal. His favorite meal, being the course of choice, made him all the happier. "Have you had katsu Curry? I made it with those fancy spices that you bought me, so I'm excited to see how different it tastes with higher quality ingredients." // he just wanted to cook in that fancy kitchen with fancy ingredients

@tximidity

“Mm?” He was at the table, distracted by something on his phone when Sullivan approached. Only when Sullivan spoke did he look up in time, stifled alarm in his eyes at the food coming towards him.

“Don’t— ” Raum held up two fingers to stop the spoon at the stem before it could reach him. His brows drew together with open disapproval when he glanced up at Sullivan, like one might glare at a child without manners. “— do that.”

Admittedly, the smell of what Sullivan was cooking was tempting, especially when his busy schedule had made it so Raum had eaten sparingly throughout the day. Nevertheless — Raum disliked being babied so much that it soured him on the idea of it, at least for a moment.

“I have.” His tone was bemused as he plucked the spoon from Sullivan’s hand to take it for himself — a method he found much more dignified than the mothering way Sully offered it.

A sarcastic smirk appeared at the corner of his lips.

“I may not be Japanese, but I'm not exactly sheltered. Do you ascribe to that theory us Europeans can’t go a day without boiled potatoes or we perish?”

He reasoned that the kind of Japanese curry he had tried before at a restaurant was likely different from what Sullivan made, though — Raum wasn’t much of a cook, after all. Still, he knew what he liked, and he knew that Sullivan was competent in the kitchen, so he was fairly certain this would pose no problem. It was for that reason alone he had little hesitation in trying it.

Once he did try it, he gave a thoughtful hum, tilting his head to glance at the pan behind Sullivan’s back with interest. Truthfully, it was an unusual sight. It was rare this kitchen of his got much more use than Raum himself making coffee and warming up a pastry for breakfast.

“Which ones did you use? The cumin?”

[greengoblinswifey]

You Deserve To Be Here

Pairing- Stephen Strange x Fem!Sorcerer!Reader, Mention of Wanda Maximoff x Reader(platonic)

Summary: Your crimes against the multiverse and Kamar Taj are pardoned, something Stephen doesn't agree with. Feelings are hurt and confessed.

Warnings: Multiverse of madness spoilers, Enemies to lovers, Angst, Cursing, Mentions of death, Unrequited love, Daddy kink, Unprotected sex, Oral sex(f receiving), Creampie, Praise kink.

Ao3 link

Strange had every right to hate you. You helped Wanda destroy Kamar Taj, murder almost everyone in it, try to take away America's powers and kill the Illuminati.  It wasn't entirely your own doing, so thankfully, there weren't any serious repercussions. You were corrupted by the darkhold, Wanda and your desire to be with your family again. With Wanda gone, (you weren't sure whether she was dead or alive), you had to take the blame for her actions. After all, you were trained in the Sanctum and at Kamar Taj, you betrayed them. 

"Watch where you're going, no reading and walking in the Sanctum," Strange sneered as you accidentally bumped into him.

"It was an accident and that's a stupid rule," you sneered back.

"Was also allowing Sara to be killed an accident? She was your friend."

Every chance he got, he took a jab at your actions. You already acknowledged your wrongs, what more did he want. You had no energy in you to argue and so you stormed away to your room.

Just like Wanda, you lost everything, the sanctum was all you had but you needed more. She convinced you to help her get America, then she would get you to a universe where your family was alive and you were with Stephen.

Secretly, you craved his validation and his love but you gave up and kept up the front that you hated him just as much as he hated you. He had always hated you, and now more than ever.

Later that night after crying for what felt like hours, you were finally about to leave your room but closed it as soon as you saw Stephen passing by. He quickly noticed that you had been crying. He had only seen you cry one other time before, when he had been snapped back and seeing you in that state hurt him more than the first time.

This time you were crying because of him. You closed the door and sat on the floor, your head leaning against it and waiting for him to pass by. Instead of his footsteps receding, they stopped outside your door and he sat down just as you were, your backs against each other, separated by the thick wood.

You both sat there silently, all that could be heard were the other sorcerers in the Sanctum--the few that hadn't perished. 

"You don't deserve to be here. You don't deserve to be here after having so much blood on your hands. You deserve to suffer the same fate 838 Doctor Strange did, the same fate Wanda did," he spat, breaking the silence.

"And you think I don't know that? You think I don't wish I died like Wanda did? Fuck you Strange," you said, your voice cracking. 

His jaw clenched, regretting his words and for a second, he contemplated comforting you but he left you behind the door, wallowing in guilt and remorse. 

After he left, the waterworks began and when they started, they didn't stop. Deep down, you knew he was right. If it were anyone else Wong would've casted them out. You didn't deserve to be there. 

The next morning, you didn't leave your room. Not to train, read books in the library or for food and Stephen noticed. Instead, you opened a portal to a pizza place and bought a box but when it was time to eat, you remembered the Sorcerer's words and lost your appetite. You slept all day, too ashamed and hurt to leave you room to see his face.

The next night, after another day of you isolating yourself, he put his ego aside and walked up to your room and knocked. His sling ring clinked as he did and he waited impatiently.

"Go away Strange," you finally answered.

"I'm not leaving until you open this door," he replied.

"Are you here to tell me that I don't deserve to be here?" you asked.

There was a pause.

"No Y/N. I was wrong for saying that," he sighed.

There was another pause before a click of a lock was heard and the door opened. Even in your depressive state, you still looked as beautiful as ever.

"What do you want?" Your tone was less harsh than it was before.

"You were being reasonable Y/N, in some sick and twisted way, you were. You lost so much, you lost the only family you had ever known and you just wanted to be with them again. To find the happiness you once had. I don't blame you Y/N. Another version of me did the same thing, destroyed the world and stole as much power as he could to get his love back. I was wrong for what I said. You deserve to be here. You deserve happiness," Stephen said.

A tear fell down your cheek at his sincere apology and you gave him a small smile. The first smile you had ever gave him, the first time you weren't butting heads.

"I'm sorry Stephen, I truly am. I've realized that losing my family was an Absolute Point in time, in every single universe, I lost them and I was selfish." Your voice gave out and eventually, you broke out into sobs.

Stephen's arms unexpectedly wrapped around you and he entered the room, kicking the door shut. The cloak of levitation wiped your tears and you gave them another smile.

You slowly let go of each other, silence falling as you stared longingly into each other's eyes. 

His eyes averted down to your lips and before you knew it, your lips were locked in an intense kiss.

His large hand cupped your cheek, his sling ring cold against it as he deepened the kiss. It was filled with passion and need. His tongue lightly brushed against yours and he explored your mouth as if he was a starving man.

Pulling away to catch your breaths, his eyes were lust blown and his lips red.

"God, I've always wanted to do that," he admitted.

"Me too," you smiled, rubbing the grey hair at his temples that you had always found weirdly hot.

"Do you want this? Can I..." he trailed off, his cheeks getting red.

You took his shaky hands and placed them under your shirt, giving him the go ahead to tug it off. His breath hitched as your body was left only clad in your thong in front of him.

"You're stunning," he said, flabbergasted, "can I touch you?"

You took his hands and placed them on your soft breasts. He gently kneaded them and flipped you round, pushing you against the door. You shivered as he pressed his lips on your neck, kissing and sucking.

"Stephen, baby," you moaned as he pinched your nipples and continued sucking on your neck.

Your moans were even sweeter than he imagined. No melodious music could compare to it and he swore he could've came right there.

He captured your lips in another kiss, more hungry than the first time. He placed his hands under your ass signaling you to jump and wrap your legs around his waist. 

"Mm- bed," you whimpered into the kiss and he eagerly complied, placing you on the bed. He broke this kiss and knelt between your legs. He kissed your clothed pussy, then your inner thighs and bit them.

"Lift your hips sweetheart," he whispered, tugging at your underwear. You lifted your hips and he threw the piece of fabric to the side. 

"Fuck," he muttered lowly. You were absolutely drenched for him, your juices practically dripping on the clean sheets.

"Is this all for me?" he asked, scooping the wetness onto his finger and swiping across your clit.

"All for you daddy," you moaned.

His eyes darkened with lust even more at the title, practically black compared to his normal blue hues. He brought his fingers to your lips and you gladly sucked them off, humming at your sweet taste. You always thought he was daddy material.

He spread your legs and with his eyes on yours, licked from your entrance to your clit. A wave of pleasure coursed through your body and your hands went to his hair, holding onto it as he devoured you. He focused on your clit, taking the bundle of nerves into his mouth and sucking. He flicked it with his tongue, your breathy and high pitched moans encouraging him. 

He sucked your inner thighs that were smeared with your wetness then teased your hole with his tongue before slipping his tongue inside.

"Daddy, fuck, just like that. Please," you cried.

Your pussy spasmed around his tongue and before you could give him a heads up, you squirted into his mouth. He lapped up all your juices, sucking as if you were his favourite drink.

You slid off the bed and went on your knees as he shed his robes onto the floor.

"No princess, it's about you tonight, yeah? Forget about me," he smiled, his hand rubbing your cheek.

He lifted you up and gently threw you onto the bed, causing you to giggle. It was just then that you took notice of his large, hard, leaking cock. You'd never been with someone as large as him and you were a bit skeptical he would fit.

"I'll fit darling, don't sweat," he smirked cockily.

You sat up and scooped your juices into your hand then slowly pumped his cock. He threw his head back as your small hand gripped and stroked his cock before you were satisfied he was lubed up enough. 

He hovered over your naked body and planted kisses on your forehead, nose and lips before lining the tip with your dripping hole.

"Are you ready? It's not too late to stop, I completely understand if you don't want to go through with this," he whispered, taking your hand.

Truth is, he was terrified you had come to your senses and remembered your hatred for him.

"I want to baby," you smiled and kissed his sling ring.

You squeezed his hand a little as he slowly entered your warm pussy. He felt like he had died and gone to Heaven. Your eyes shut as the pleasure overtook you, his cock going deeper and deeper until he couldn't fit. He bottomed out and teased your clit with his tip and collected your wetness before slipping back into your pussy.

"So perfect, so good," he moaned into your ear.

"Daddy," you moaned.

Hearing you moan and finally adjust to his size, he couldn't help but drive into you harder. He was supposed to meet Wong earlier but he completely forgot, only thinking of the way your tight pussy was squeezing his cock.

As he thrusted into you, his lips brushing on yours, you could feel that familiar feeling building inside you. The breathy moan he let out in your ear did it for you, and your orgasm shot through you causing you to whimper and jolt under him.

"Good girl. Such a good girl for me. You're even more beautiful when you cum," he said, kissing your forehead.

Two orgasms in and you were already exhausted and your legs were jelly.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head feeling your warm juices coat his cock and he hardened even more inside you.

Your eyes fluttered shut, feeling his thrusts grow sloppier and more frantic.

"Eyes on me pretty girl." You opened your eyes, your lips parted as his cock brushed against your cervix over and over.

He pressed down on your clit with his thumb as he thrusted harshly, your body jolting upwards. Before you knew it, you could feel heat pool in your lower belly and you wrapped your legs around the Sorcerer.

"Daddy, gonna cum," you sobbed into his ear.

"Cum for daddy then princess, keep your eyes open and soak daddy's cock," he growled.

At his command, you rolled your hips, meeting his thrusts and came on his cock. The intense orgasm had you clawing his muscular back, leaving long red lines. He groaned at the stinging but pleasurable feeling.

The feeling of your juices once again coating his length made his third eye open and you stared up at it in awe as it stared back at you.

''You're so submissive for me," he smirked.

He rolled his hips slowly, savoring your warm wetness before he let his seed spurt into you and paint your walls white, all three of his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

"Fucking hell," he breathed as his cum filled you to the brim. You milked him dry, your pussy squeezing him as he whispered sweet nothings into your ear.

As soon as his load was emptied inside you, he collapsed on the bed and pulled you closer. He kissed your temple, then your forehead as you snuggled close to him and laid your head on his chest.

"That was amazing princess.. and I'm sorry for how I've treated you. You never deserved that, I was an asshole," he said.

"I'm sorry too, for everything," you replied, feeling a bit of shame at your actions.

All he did was hug you tight and pull you close and for the first time in years, you felt genuine happiness. 

"You're everything to me Y/N, everything."

[beneathashadytree]

Ayo there! Can i ask some bert x fem tomboy reader oneshot uwu? The concept i was thinking bout is like reader is marleyan but doesnt hate eldians. As a child (lets say shes a bit older than him) protected bert from bullies and bought for him some food from a store he wasnt allowed to enter. Then she started hanging out with the warrior squad yea. When he returned form their misson safe and sound they started dating and shit. HAPPY END. Im cringe sorry dont get lost while reading this crap lmao♥

BATTERED - BERTHOLDT HOOVER X READER

Warnings : one innocent kiss, one curse word, this is a canon-divergent AU, at the end Bertholdt is 18 and the reader is 21, reader is female!

Genre : just wholesome fluff

Word count : 3.5K words (I can never stop writing for Bertholdt holy shit)

Synopsis : Bertholdt's never quite understood why he was so taken by the girl with the scabs and bandages.

Additional notes : I can't even begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed writing this. Your request was so wholesome, and I'm in love with the childhood friends to lovers trope! Hope you enjoy this, I'd love to hear your feedback!

Requests : Are open! Check the rules over here.

Want to support me financially? Here’s my CashApp!

Masterlist

He shouldn't have stepped outside the walls. He really shouldn't have ventured past the iron gates, not in broad daylight at the very least.

The young boy internally berated himself as he slowly trudged across the path, trying to seem as inconspicuous as possible as he clutched his bag and curled into himself while walking, hoping he'd look as small as he could, even if it was physically impossible for a child as tall as himself.

Really, the glares that bore holes into his yellow armband, the demands to go and jump off the nearest rooftop, the viscious insults and curses thrown at him at every turn---it was all too much for the eight year-old Bertholdt Hoover. It's not like he was breaking any laws; he'd already long shown his permit to leave Liberio to any guards that bore their teeth and hissed at him.

The fact still remained though; it wasn't his birth right to live. He shouldn't have been born; shouldn't have done anything other than make himself scarce---and every single Marleyan outside of the internment zone served as a reminder for him; an order to perish. Tremors climbed his spine, anxiety taking over.

All he'd wanted was to buy some fruits that the clinic's doctor had prescribed for his father's illness; they definitely weren't as effective as the medication he needed (the same medication that was the reason his son wanted to shorten his own lifespan for him to receive), but they were meant to fortify him and his immunity, at the very least. And of course, for Eldians like himself, such expensive fruits were never sold behind the gates, and were only made available to the general public of Marley, which meant that he was forced to take a quick trip outside of Liberio if he wanted to see his father's health improve at least the tiniest bit.

That's the only reason why his shaking form stood in front of the glass door of the large grocery shop, cowering under the glare of the pot-bellied man with graying hair.

"Did you not hear me? Are you too daft to understand, Eldian scum? A place like mine isn't for bastards like you to taint," the man yelled, face screwed up in anger and only causing Bertholdt to tense up even more.

"B-but I have a permit!" he stammered, "And a-a doctor's prescri---"

"Speak more and I'll make sure my garden fork pierces your filthy skin just right," the man snarled, towering over him and thrusting the sharpened tool in his direction, eyes glinting maliciously.

"Please!" Bertholdt begged frantically, arms raised in defense, "My...my father, he needs them!"

"Like hell do I care!" came the roar in reply, swinging the fork upwards, causing the young boy to whimper and screw his eyes shut in terror, but before he could land the dealing blow, an angry yell stopped both the man and Bertholdt in their tracks.

Before he could scurry off at the sight of the scruffy-looking Marleyan girl that proudly bore bruises and scrapes like they were military badges, her next words brought him to a halt.

"What do you want more from him?" she shouted, hands on her hips, her frown looking almost comical with the huge bandage that covered half her cheek, "He's got his permit, he's got every right to be here just as I have!"

Whipping around to face her, the middle-aged man swelled with fury, "You again! Do you not see that he's the spawn of the devil?" with a disgusted expression, he picked up Bertholdt's arm despite his cry of pain, tugging at the loosened armband, "He'd ruin my shop's reputation if anyone found out he even set foot inside!"

Puffing her cheeks angrily, she stomped over, smacking the man's arm, and only after he stilled in shock was she able to drag Bertholdt away by the shoulder, completely ignoring the way he trembled in her hold.

Pointing an accusatory finger at the shop owner, she growled at him, "And your reputation would go down the drain once they know that you got locked up after displeasing a Marleyan citizen who alerted the guards of your lack of professionalism," arching an eyebrow, she huffed, "Need I remind you that you threatened to kill me once because you couldn't tell that I wasn't Eldian?"

Spluttering, the man's face paled as he tried to find an excuse, and as he remained distracted, she lifted her chin up high, snatching the list from the speechless Bertholdt, and taking it upon herself to pay for them after picking the best fruits by hand.

Only when the entire scene was over and he stood with bags of fresh produce in his hands did he become fully aware of what had just gone down.

"Why would you..." he gaped at the girl incredulously, only earning a kind smile in turn.

With a shrug, she kicked a pebble as she walked alongside him on his way back to the gates, "I don't like it when people bully the innocent."

Clenching his fists in frustration, he looked at his shoes, "But I'm Eldian, at the end of the day. My ancestors stained the lands with blood."

She hummed, scratching at her battered cheek and wincing as blood began to seep through the bandage, "That might be true, but what do I know?" she waved gayly at a bunch of rowdy boys, before they wrinkled their noses upon realizing that Bertholdt was strolling beside her, "At any rate, I know you haven't harmed anyone. Hell, you look like you can't hurt a fly," she laughed, nudging him playfully and earning a shy, wary smile from him, "I can't hate someone simply for living."

Her words sunk in, and Bertholdt stilled, the gates in sight, looking at her incredulously, "So you don't hate Eldians?"

"Nope," she popped the syllable, "No use in hating someone that doesn't differ much from myself. I'd rather help them out instead," they stood in front of the guards, and she puffed her chest proudly, pointing her thumb as she smirked, "I might be eleven, but if you need any help, call for me and I'll kick everyone's butts!"

Blushing, he thumbed his bag's strap, "Actually, I'm three years younger than you are."

"No way," she gasped, eyes shining, "You're that tall already? That's so freaking cool!"

"I don't know about cool, it just feels weird," he admitted half-heartedly, "Like my body's too big for me."

Patting his shoulder in a friendly manner, she smiled at him, "You'll grow into it, I bet. Have the heart of a lion, you're gonna be a warrior," she enthused, gesticulating excitedly, "I'm sure you'll grow up to be really brave."

Looking off to the side, Bertholdt remained quiet about his doubts; after all, he wasn't about to tell a stranger who'd shown him a rare ounce of kindness that he felt rather pathetic compared to the other candidates.

Looking down at her scratched up navy blue watch, she frowned, "It's getting late, and I promised my little brother I'd play football with him before supper," looking up at him, she quickly gave her name, "And what's yours? So I know who to ask for whenever I can!"

"Bertholdt Hoover," he meekly replied, "And that's alright, you don't have to---"

"Shush," she pointed her finger to her lips, before winking cheekily, "Expect me whenever!"

And just as fast as she came, she was gone as the breeze picked up.

***

"This is so boring," she moaned, a scowl etched onto her face as she stared up at the sky, "Don't tell me you guys haven't gone outside of HQ since the morning."

"Does it not suit your elite tastes?" Annie snapped, rolling her eyes in annoyance as she squashed another bug that made an attempt at climbing her leg, leaning against the wall non-chalantly.

"C'mon, Annie, I think we've been friends for long enough to know that that's not what she meant," Marcel's calm voice cut before the other girl could quip a smart reply, "She has a point though, sitting around waiting for us while we train can't be too fun, especially when she's not supposed to be here."

"No way," the girl crossed her legs and leaned in as she inspected them, "You guys had been training all this time? No breaks even?"

"No," Bertholdt sighed, rocking on the soles of his feet as he had a faraway look in his eyes, "I kept daydreaming throughout, though..."

With a shake of his head, the shorter blonde boy turned away from his friend, "You really shouldn't. We need to focus on becoming the best."

"You're one to talk," Porco scoffed, jumping off the low branch he'd been watching them from, "Like you can do crap eitherways."

"Now, now," Zeke's chuckle came from near the window sill, his hand busy with twirling the baseball bat that fascinated the girl with the scraped elbows on the ground beside him, "Stop bickering, only the top brass decide who inherits which titan and when. No need to fight when we're all gonna find out eventually."

With a wave of goodbye, the oldest of the bunch went off, no doubt to play some more baseball with the man he was supposedly most likely to inherit the Beast titan from, leaving the others scrambling about in an attempt to pick sides in the fight.

The Marleyan amongst them only laughed as she watched them bicker back and forth, before tugging at Pieck's skirt, "How old was Zeke turning, again?"

"15, why? You got a crush on him or something?" the black-haired teenager cheekily smirked at her, "He's only two years older, might wanna give it a shot."

Wrinkling her nose, the girl shook her head, "Nah, I just wanted to know the age difference between him and the other candidates."

"Bertholdt is one of the youngest of us, surprisingly enough," Pieck mused, eying the brunette who apologized over and over to Porco as he held Reiner back, "You'd never believe it, with the way he's almost as tall as Zeke."

"And he keeps growing too! It's so unfair," she groaned, before taking off to grab said boy's arm, who barely had time to grab his bag before he was whisked away, her enthusiastic voice ringing in his ear, "C'mon, Bertl! I want to play some football before I have to get home for lunch. Last one to the plaza gets to pay for the apples next time!"

***

With the wind flapping at her skirt, she looked uncharacteristically sad, in a way that had Bertholdt's heart clenching in his chest as he stood in front of her on the pier.

"You'll be gone for a while, yeah?"

He nodded, an unsure expression making its way on his face, "I'm not entirely sure how long our mission's going to take, but probably a couple of years. It's... really important."

"You can't divulge confidential military plans," she sighed, biting her lip anxiously, "I'll worry about you."

"I'll try to come back safely," he did his best to sound reassuring, but his words were anything but, "I don't want to... die, honestly."

Visibly distressed by his words and the sight of the huge ship that blasted smoke into the air, the now-fifteen year-old girl threw her arms around the taller (though younger) boy's neck, sending him into a state of shock where he didn't know what to do other than pat her back gently in hopes of consoling her.

"I'll miss you," she whimpered, resting her chin on his shoulder, "My brother sucks at all sports, and God knows when I'll be able to play them with you again."

He clutched her shirt tightly, giving her a solemn promise, with about as much bravery as he could muster, "I'll be back before you know it. And this time, we'll be able to climb the tree at headquarters all the way to the top, you'll see."

He didn't know why, but he felt a tug at his heart at the very prospect of leaving, and suddenly his mission didn't seem half as glorious when he was waving at her off the ship's deck, watching her disappear into the distance with every ocean wave they cut through on their way to the wretched island of devils.

***

When he came to, he found his hand clutched firmly in a strong hold. Slowly blinking his eyes open, he frowned, confusion taking over at seeing such a pretty girl hunched over in a seat beside the bed he was lying down on.

Shuffling a little to sit upright without shaking her hand off, he winced, the soreness of his muscles now apparent as he tried to move.

"Easy there, tiger," a raspy voice said, before she cleared her throat, eyebrows furrowed as she stood up, hands still entwined.

Gesturing for his water bottle, she handed it to him, giving him a minute or two to drink and blink himself fully awake.

"Where am I?" he croaked out, setting the bottle beside him carefully and using his free hand to wipe at his lips.

Scoffing, she ruffled his now-much-longer hair, the affectionate look in her eyes unmistakable, "Well, obviously you're in a Marleyan hospital, where else would you find me sitting beside your bed?"

He blushed, looking off to the side to glance at the window with the sunlight streaming in through the curtains, "And what's today's date?"

"Monday, fifth of June, 852," she replied, then thoughtfully added, "More than 5 years after having last seen me."

With a scowl, Bertholdt mumbled to himself, "That can't be right, we left Shiganshina in the year 850, I'm sure of it..." he drifted off, trying his best to ransack his memory for clues as to how this happened.

"Bertl," her voice was calm as she called his name, her hand reaching out to gently brush his cheek as she took a seat beside him on the bed, "You've been in a comatose state for the past almost-two years. Your body had completely shut down after being exposed to repeated physical trauma."

Gaping at her, his words began to fail him, "I---no, but---my titan powers---"

"You'd transferred your consciousness into your spinal cord, but your body took too much damage to heal using your powers," she shook her head, sighing, "In order for you to heal, you took months before you could regrow your limbs back. Even your organs had to be fixed using traditional healing methods and modern medicine before they could even begin to repair themselves. Not to mention your mental state's blow to your brain... "

Sitting still reeling in shock, Bertholdt could only stare wide-eyed as he inspected his arms, stretching his fingers and noticing how some lacerations covered the expanse of his skin, which looked like it was rubbed raw.

With a look of concern, the young woman peered at him closer, startling him and causing his cheeks to bloom an even brighter red as he managed to ask, "Is something on my face?"

"No, you just look a bit thinner. Not surprising, considering that you haven't had a proper meal in years, I bet," she pressed her palm against his forehead, only serving to fluster him more, before musing, "Strange, you're burning up. Maybe I should call in a nurse?"

Scrambling to get away from her touch, he shook his head furiously, "N-no, it's fine, it's nothing, I---"

Laughing at the way Bertholdt had become so flustered at one small action of hers, she settled back down beside him on the bed, nudging his shoulder very gentle in aversion of causing him any pain, "We've known each other for so long, and yet you still can't tell when I'm messing with you," her smile turned a little sad, "Maybe all these years apart have affected your memory of me."

"Not really, no," he said, a small smile making it's way onto his face, "I remember my challenge to a tree climb as soon as I got back."

She snorted, "Well, you're not in any state to climb trees any time soon. You've missed out on so much, and you need to recuperate after such a long time being bedridden."

Curiosity lingered in his eyes, and Bertholdt couldn't help asking, "Speaking of hospital stays, how come you were there?" she arched her eyebrow at his question, and he hurried to correct himself before she could take any offense, "I mean, you can't have been waiting every day."

"Nah, I just make sure to visit on Mondays, right after I'm done with work," smirking at him, she teased, "You would like that, though, wouldn't you? Having me cry over your unconscious self, day in and day out?"

If it was possible for him to grow any redder, he did, and he was tempted to hide his face into the pillow out of his sheer embarrassment, but he tried his damned best to muster up all the remaining courage he had and whisper a short reply while averting his gaze, "Can't blame a guy for wanting the girl he loves to care for him like that."

With an exasperated chuckle, the 21 year-old knocked on his temple with her knuckle, "If you think this is where I'll push you away after rejecting you, then you're sorely mistaken."

Snapping his head back to face her, Bertholdt's doe eyes grew wide, "What?" he breathed out, a distinct glint of hope in his questioning stare.

"Honestly, I've had a crush on you ever since we were kids!" she admitted, wrapping a tentative arm around his shoulder, mumbling a worried, "Does this hurt?"

Still dazed, he shook his head, before he found his voice, "But then why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I was a kid, and I didn't want to get my parents in trouble," a regretful look crossed her face, and Bertholdt found himself wanting to wipe it off immediately and console her when she continued, nuzzling her face into his long neck, "I loved being your friend, but I wasn't daft. I knew what I was doing was against the law, and would only backfire in my family's face. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he quietly said, absent-mindedly snuggling closer to her, "You didn't have a choice."

"But now I do," she sounded much more lively as she quipped, "I live by my own, so I can face the repercussions with full confidence, knowing that I can handle them myself."

Bertholdt's distress and apparent worry seeped through his words, "The laws haven't changed since then, though, I'm sure of it!"

"They haven't," she cheerily confirmed, before giving him a firm squeeze, "But that doesn't mean I give a single fuck. You're too precious for me to care," her teeth playfully tugged at his earlobe, turning him into a stuttering mess as she whispered in his ear, "Plus, you've gotten a lot more handsome, Bertl. Can't blame me for wanting to sneak around with you."

"You're shameless," he groaned, face burning, and yet giving that sweet smile of his despite his efforts not to, "You do realize that I can't just march out of Liberio to meet up with you?"

Shrugging she closed her eyes, a content grin on her face, "Guess we've got the time to figure things out now. We'll come up with something. You've always been the astute one out of us two, haven't you?"

Staying quiet because he knew all too well that if he did speak he'd blurt out something embarrassingly sappy, he just clung onto the scraped arm around his torso. His momentary distraction while settling down in her embrace gave the girl the opportunity to sneakily press her lips to the corner of his mouth, sending him into overdrive, giving him a sudden rush of blood to the head and heart palpitations that he couldn't even bother trying to settle down.

The 18 year-old felt like he was a child once again, meeting her for the first time and trying to figure out why he was just so enraptured by the girl with the scabs on her knees and the bandages on her face. But now that she was practically cuddling him (rather loosely though, so as not to pull at any muscles that were sore), he was perfectly capable of finding a name for the emotion that was raging in his chest: pure, unadulterated adoration, and the satisfaction that came with having it returned as well.

As big and awkward as his body had always felt, for some odd reason, it was the first time Bertholdt found himself thinking that it was the perfect size for having her nestled against him, even if his heart was thrumming against his ribcage and she surely felt it against her arm---at the very least, if all else was lost, he still had her, and that single thought, in and of itself, was as grounding as could be.

Taglist: @blondeboyfriend

[88frostfromfire]

My February & March budget

I just recently posted a photo of my budget tracker, but last night I made another purchase, so my budget for the month is pretty close to gone now. So, I think it's a good time to discuss what I've spent and how I feel about it.

Originally, my idea was only to include shopping from certain categories (beauty, clothing, accessories, and homewares). However, as I was shopping on my trip to Toronto, I bought a few things that still felt like "shopping" even though they weren't part of these categories, so I included them.

Overall, I am happy with my purchases. Even with the budget and replacement-only rules for makeup/skincare/haircare, I felt like I was still able to have fun and enjoy shopping. The key difference is that I wasn't able to make mindless purchases because I had a limit for how much I could spend. This gave me a good mix of carefully planned purchases, as well as a few spontaneous purchases. I expected traveling to be difficult because I normally shop a lot on trips. I know that I still want to want, so coming home from the trip with a few new things that weren't planned in advance really satisfied that desire, but I know I didn't go over my budget, so I don't feel guilty about it. The main question I have is whether that desire will fade over time. Honestly, I don't know if I want to stop shopping entirely. I just want to be more mindful about it and be happier with what I already have.

This contains all shopping between February and now (today is March 23). My trip to Toronto was March 14-18, so I decided to mark all the purchases made during that trip with *

Sephora: I originally wanted to go on a "no buy" and save my entire Feburary and March budget for the trip to Toronto I took in mid-March. However, I am glad I bought this colour corrector locally instead of waiting to buy it. It works well and gives me more confidence that some of the redness in my face is minimized.

*David's Tea: Even though this latte mix technically falls under "food" and not the categories I laid out to include in my budget originally, I bought it because I wanted to buy something. It was something I specifically planned to buy and I'm glad I did. I've already had a couple cups of it and it's really delicious. It's pretty pricey for what it is, though, so I don't think I'd get it again.

*Rohto Lycée eye drops & breath care: I bought these Japanese eye drops from 2 different stores (I decided to buy 2 packs of it) and am happy I did. I did research into them before purchasing and I happened to come across 2 different stores that sell them. I bought 1 pack at the first store, then tried them and by the time I went to the second store, I decided to purchase ... A BACKUP! (I know backups are frowned upon in the spending less/minimizing community). The reason I decided to get a backup is because eyedrops are perishable and for hygienic purposes cannot be kept for too long, and also, because I know I don't have access to these drops at home. I also purchased some Japanese breath mints. While I don't regret buying them, I can pinpoint exactly why I got them. I was in an Asian beauty store, and before going in I'd planned on purchasing only 2 things (the eyedrops and Beauty Blender cleanser). They didn't have the cleanser and I wasn't allowing myself to buy any other beauty/makeup/skincare items that I don't need. So when I found a cute looking bottle of mints, I jumped on it.

*Starbucks mug: My list included a Toronto Starbucks mug (I have a Montreal one and thought it would be neat to collect as a practical souvenir). However, I go to Toronto fairly often so when we went to Niagara Falls and I saw a mug there, I decided to get it instead and was very happy about that! I paid with my Starbucks card, so it didn't cost me anything (most of the money on my Starbucks card was from gift cards at Christmas).

*Lush: This was a carefully planned purchase, as I only allowed myself to buy bubble bars (I got 2), a facial scrub (I got the smaller of the 2 sizes available), and a solid shampoo bar.

*Muji: Even though my purchase at Muji was just 2 highlighters for school, I decided to include them in my budget because I didn't actually need highlighters. They will be useful, but I bought them mainly because I wanted to buy something from Muji for myself (I also got a gift), and they didn't have the other 2 things I was looking for.

*Nordstrom: These were both somewhat impulse buys. I love checking out Nordstrom's Pop-Ins, which is a little "pop-up" shop inside their store, and it changes every couple months. I checked it out one day, and then at the hotel that night, I read reviews of the 2 items I'd been interested in. Again, similar to what happened at the Asian beauty store when I got the mints, almost everything else at the Nordstrom Pop-In were items I can't buy right now (like skincare, haircare, and makeup), so I bought a brow serum and a lip plumper, 2 items that I don't have. I honestly don't regret buying either one. I had read reviews before buying and I also made sure they fit into my budget. But it also felt a little like finding a loophole in my own rules.

Pusheen box: During my trip, I got an email that the charge for my quarterly subscription box went through. Because it also is a form of shopping, I included it in my budget.

Sephora: During the trip, it was a bit too early to pick up my free birthday gift at Sephora, so I placed an order last night for it. I also got the Glow Recipe Watermelon face mist. I don't want to call this an impulse buy, because I waited a while to buy it, but I wanted it the instant this product launched. I also am very low on the existing face mist I have, so I'm going to use that one up first.

[recaffeine]

3/1/2022

It's been quite some time. I was able to travel back to the heart of the hearts. The place where it all began. I was able to come back to San Jose. It took me a while to find the neighborhood. All I remembered really was that it was in the back of a Asian Supermaket called Senter Foods. It turns out it was bought out by Lee's Sandwiches. It looks a lot nicer and honestly the businesses are still there. I walked across the aisles of mobile homes across my neighborhood. A lot of houses did not change. Some with the exact same fence that I remember grazing my hand across as a child.

I saw the pool that I used to love to swim at. I saw the little bench area where my friends and I played Yu-Gi-Oh. I saw the hopscotch area that I used to ride my scooter across. So much memories flooded my consciousness. The memories that I had thought perished so long ago. I was able to rejoin with at the origin of my younger self and I was able to achieve clarity on what I needed to do with my life. I was given clarity on how much work still needed to be done. However, I found I beauty in that. I found beauty in knowing that there will always be a next chapter.

Most of my life, I've continued to worry and obsess about how my story would be told. I was obsessed with how my book would end. What themes do I want it to carry? What legacy will I leave behind for this world?

I've decided that it is time to let go of that obsession. I'm going to just enjoy the pages and chapters of my book now.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:45pm, i like to occasionally collapse in life and not do anything, to avoid putting myself in intensely draining situations, and end up procrastinating on things longer than truly necessary.

Thursday, February 6th of 2020.

And hence, that's why it's another day of sweaty hands, tangled split ends all over my head, and depression. Lovely.

What's pissing me off?

My ex is going to Santa Cruz this weekend..... I don't know, something about that is upsetting. Maybe since his friend Cam, (who is a pretty cool dude, hes nice as heck,) hit me up when me and my ex got back together, hella excited at the idea of both of us heading back out there like we had for the big Halloween party. Cam had literally said, "So don't break up until then!" ... Four days later, guess what, bitch? And now, even though my ex was eating my pussy a few days before and promptly nutting in under 8 strokes, making out, and cuddling... I'm still single as fuck. And, sadly have to miss on the epic highs and lows of being around college kids, miles away from home..... What's sad is also since I had loved that road trip, too. That was when Patrick bought me flowers. I kept holding the lillies and smiling the whole way there. It was so nice..... He was a nice person before.

The normal dilemma of "oh cool, had a great relationship with a mess of a human being for a boyfriend, who ruined it". Or the alternative description of the dilemma, "I really liked this guy, but alas, him being a dumbass, along with his unnecessarily paranoid best friend, lead to it all breaking down at once". Its a special type of hurt. Rebuilding trust in a relationship, after an already bad first initial breakup.... And before the glue on the trust even dries, someone else drives a fucking mini van through it and annihilates me right along with it. FUUUUUUN. We love a queen who at least gave things a shot when no one else would!

I keep thinking about us fucking. Not even the most recent day, but other times, like in his car, in his bed. The really good times, the really bad times... Its odd, seeing how much he changed over our relationship. It went from nutting before he even got it in, to me deadass making him a tray of brownies for the insanity that was sex with him.... How the hell was that the same person? Huh. Goes to show, nothing bad comes from telling someone without experience ways to make you nut-

My room is a mess. I bought food, non perishables, and havent eaten them. They're all in bags in my room, untouched. Why do i even bother grocery shopping? Its just "fallback food", and not even good shit. If I've got money in my bank account, I'm buying a roasted chicken bao, and not busting open a can of Campbells Steak and Potatoes...... (It tastes...... extremely sickening.)

I only have to work weekends. Why do I stress so much about what to do during the other 5 days? The other five days, I spend sleeping, on twitter, on instagram, or wiggling my clit. Would be nice to have hobbies..... and stick with them.

The amount of money I spend on products to try and succeed at whatever new goal I make, and then promptly overworking myself, and talking down to myself, before I flop.

HOW DO I FLIRT WITH WOMEN? Men are easy, it's kinda gross, most will kinda fuck any woman that they come across. (My ex is that type, oh gross.) But women???? Are really pretty. And like???? I dont know how to flirt with women. All i know is mock flirting, eat hot chip, and lie. And i know how to slide in the dms like a fuckboy, due to lots of experience with those..... So, trying to keep it together and just avoid girls I like, until i perish, like homophobes want.

Alright, glad I got that off my chest.

I hope Cam and them are okay. I think Jasper and Marcus don't like me, but thats alright. The situation between me and their friend got super fucked, so I dont expect them to even care all that much about some tipsy clown that came to their Halloween party, tweeting about how their friend is a dickhead, you know?

Cam and Audrey are still chill, though. I feel so bad for not talking to Audrey! Shes so dope. I would have preferred to meet her, not in the context of me dating one of her old roommates.....

3:07pm. Just messaged her.

Still weird, I have no idea how I started following her OR Patrick, in the first place? It was amusing when I was first dating Patrick, and he was like, "Now you can finally meet Audrey."

I was like, "HOLY SHIT I FORGOT YALL WERE MUTUALS??? YALL WERE ROOMMATES?????"

And they were roommates!

Oh, my god, they were roommates.

....

Yes, that a vine. :)

I wonder if when I read these someday in the future, am I gonna be old and decrepit? Will I even get my own reference?

To future me: I am sorry if you don't understand this. And sorry to my future grandkids, who will definitely not understand the humor behind 7 second long videos. And to me, yet again, since.... i bet that you'll get side eyed by those little shits if you tried to explain what that was to them.

Are there slurs for old people in the future? Am I gonna be told, "OK, GEN Z" by whatever asshole kids of my kids are made someday?

And if I don't have kids..... Oh well, that's my choice! Life is life.

.....

3:13pm, I went on a tangent there.... Oh well.

I didn't tell yall about how the hookup went. For those in 2020, its none of your business. But for me in 2080, or something, ill write about it.

In a nutshell, nigga acted like he forgot how sex worked in a single month of separation.

And our separation was barely even seperate. It was like, a week and a half or so, then me showing up to his porch, asking for my Christmas gift back.

Then pretty much a series of "I'm going to block your number", almost immediately followed up by "Well, actually maybe we can hang out in broad daylight, like twice a week or so, and see from there?", and then transitioning from "Hell no. Absolutely not. Sex is too emotional, and always gets emotional. That sounds like a terrible idea," to "Well.... I can *picture* it, and i find you attractive, buuuuut.... i mean, we should talk about it some other time."

To us in his bedroom, and me saying "no homo" before tackling him and officially getting it on.

(The no homo rule works for anything. I think ive finally grew as a person, since i no longer fear intimacy with a person, or have to say no homo before asking certain things... i just ask, and dont care if they interpret things as potentially romantic or whatever... I didn't notice i stopped doing that, until now, lmfao.)

He's a really inconsistent person. Why did I even like him? If he's the type to make promises he cant keep and say statements that wouldn't even hold up a week later, why should i trust him about anything?

Since sure, all it took to get us back together that one night was a super long venting session with me asking every big question to him inside of his car, not having arguments, and making him feel comfortable.

But if alo of that can collapse over one party and one toxic friend he wanted to keep around instead of me, then its not me being the problem here.... Its him, having the emotional integrity of a deck of cards during a hurricane.

(Not even a hurricane, more like the lightest blow of air will make that nigga fold like a panini. What a bitchmade ass guy, dude.)

And even though i did that all in the pursuit of liking him, he sure as hell didnt do it for me.

The only reason i still somewhat stay in touch, is since.... to an extent, we have started to get back to a state of comfort.

We hooked up. It went from awkward, to sexy, to natural, to him nutting fast as fuck with the hardest dick he has ever had, to awkward-ish again..... to "fuck it, no homo but im cuddling with both arms", to just... I dunno, laying there, looking at each other's faces in bed.

We didnt talk about deep shit. Nigga was just holding me, butt ass nekkid, talking about using knockoff CVS Neutrogena.

.....

Pause.

I just realized... I've always been guilted by men for not "saying what i wanted", despite how obvious I was.

Not a fan of that.

If he pulls that card, so help me GOD......

.....

Back to the story.

Also, music. Since I'm writing this with the sounds of Judge Jerry on TV blasting, due to my grandmother. I don't need "I FOUND URINE IN THE FLOORBOARDS, YOUR HONOR", in my fucking ears.

I hate this song a little. Listened to it nonstop when the breakup happened.

But its a good jam, aye.

Back to the story, fucks sake.

We made out. Cuddled. Did that weird, but nice, thing where we stared at eachother for a few minutes. I definitely see him in non-rose colored glasses....... Still a nice jawline. His eyes look more grey than blue, maybe even hazel in the center. A good dude.

Then somehow hours passed, so we just walked his dog around the block, as we talked about horror movies, and about how Zootopia probably has dealt with interspecies children before, so the Zootopia Abortion Comic doesn't make any sense. (A fox + a bunny = giving birth to an Eevee. Checkmate, athiests.)

And then he drove me home. I told him about my BlackArtistsOnly music challenge for Black History Month. He recommended me some pretty dope artists. I gotta listen to some of them. And then when I left his car, he seemed.... Off, but still good.

I don't know if he expected a kiss goodbye before I left, but I'd understand why. Hell, if our romantic routine was similar to how the day had went, I can't be shocked if he did. But, whatever, i could just be picturing things.

So, that definitely is a step up from when it was just us meeting for Wingstop, and him leaving less than 40 minutes after we meet very abruptly, then me taking an uber home, just to cry at how much things changed.

Going from "pretty much a stranger now" to "similar guy as before, but geez, he knows how to build walls up high", is... a weird transition. But, it happens fam.

I just kept climbing the walls and ignoring hurdles, since if the visible end game was "We CAN be good friends, and not give up on even just hanging or banging like before"..... then, yeah. I continued. And succeeded.

Since oh look, we successfully had a day where I didn't cry, we had intimacy without major talks about problematic things being had. Was actually civil AND chill, shit went well. What more can one ask for, out of a fwb?

It went well. :)

.....

I think I was hurt the other day; admittedly.

I think he ignored my messages for hella hours....... I didn't pester him; or double text. But, shit was not very fun.

I eventually just called him up to say hey, and he was being a total asshole about it. Wouldnt say why. And asked him if he wanted to see Battle Royale; since when we fucked, he said that he never saw the film before. And when we were texting afterwards, he claimed Japanese Horror films are better than American. (Agreed.... I digged this dude a lot since we agreed a lot on super niche things and specific interests. Like, who else to spend time watching subbed international movies with for a night?)

But he said he rescheduled therapy, and would be gone all weekend for Santa Cruz.

Sure, I'm at peace with it now, (thanks to a successful date the other night, a shopping spree, and other,) but damn, hurt to hear that he was gonna see his cool buds again.

This time, without me. Without a two hour long road trip with me there. No pre-trip McDonalds, scaring strangers in traffic with my full face of Joker makeup on. And upon arrival, no me getting drunk and telling his friends about the time I was sent a removed human genitalia in the mail to me. Or making a huge chain of people sitting on each other's lap, for the worlds strangest photo op.

What could've been, isn't. Since he broke up with me that night, and that reality is gone.

.....Ouch, man.

Will it hurt him the same way? Is he just gonna spend two hours listening to NPR, riding in silence, or think about how things had been last time I went with him?

I doubt it will, but there's no way to know. I wouldn't wanna ask. Other than hoping he has a good time or not, then, i cant control if a nigga cries over me or not.

.....

I can't believe I hooked up with him again.

Short term confidence in the fact that I got to smash someone, and them being aroused by me? Yeah.

Them still leaving me on read? Of course.

I expected that.

At least the mild enjoyment of the hookup, hangout, and texting was good.

I just.... Hmm.

It's not me expecting him to date me again.

Hell, the other day when telling someone else about how the breakup had went, they said, "If he called you and asked to get back together with you right now, what would you say?"

I said something along the lines of "theyre a piece of shit if they tried", and "but, despite how disgusted i would be by them, id make it clear that it would take a fuckton for me to ever get on the same level of trust with them again that way."

And, its true.

Since even if Patrick came outside my house right now, with a boombox, blasting some terrible song like Crimewave by Crystal Castles to summon me outside the house.... yeah, id go outside and make out with him. No question.

But dating would be..... Yeah, still a lot of trust was ruined. If it wasnt ruined by the birthday incident, it was DEFINITELY tarnished by the guilt of the violence, pulling teeth in terms of getting him to actually be honest with me for once in his fucking life, and the several, (several,) incidents of him being hesitant to try things... that we are doing now, which went 100x times better than he imagined.

So in a nutshell, "him making everything, from the breakup and basic communication and respect, to him being constantly hesitant and pessimistic, rude, or blatantly a fucking asshole..... way harder than it ever had to be, is what stopped that hookup from us being a thing yet again."

Two and a Half Men said something on TV, which made me pause in writing.

"When your dog dies, you dont make a list. You bury it, plant a shrub over it, tell the kids that hes running around a farm somewhere, and move on."

Overall, he makes it hard to tell if he wants to bury us or not.

He seemed adamant about it. Adamant about a lot of things. And now a month later, if i asked his stance on the things he was so hard about, you'd see him furrow how brow at even the idea of following things he said before. (i.e., "should you stop giving me rides/fucking me/hanging out"? hed probably agree if he thought it was what i wanted, but would brow furrow the same.)

Since it definitely gives mixed signals if the same night he told me he was definitely not going to see me again, immediately then went on to..... yknow, genuinely mentioned wanting to continuously keep seeing me. Normal people usually don't say that after terrible physical altercations with the girl that they dumped. I question why he had said that. Like.... none of the potentials work that well.

I'll just upset myself, so, i better not think about it.... but admittedly, fear must have been a factor. Thats.... not... a great reason.... to try and see someone. If he dumped me that night entirely, then i most likely would have just wrote on here about how much i had hated him. (And, guilt for how things went.)

It just is odd to go, "You know what? I'm gonna spontaneously bring up paying for my ex girlfriend's therapy, seeing her during the week, and so forth."

....

I feel terrible remembering things too much.

I would leave out things when i write on here, but that, paired with memory loss, is like erasing history to me.

6:20pm. Paused from writing an hour ago. I asked him. He said it was 80% fear.

Not sure if I get his logic, but I mean... alright.

I don't get the point of trying to keep around someone you're afraid of, but ill just chalk it up to "hes a pussy", and "i was also very emotionally unstable that night, so it was understandable to be afraid of what a person might do next".

I hated it; mainly since he sounded overly sincere with the way he asked. Even I thought it was strange, suggesting that so soon.

Since if a guy gets attacked and tells me he's going to indefinitely block me, then fine. Understandable. Not a fan of it, definitely not....

But then the way he suddenly shifted to wanting to talk things through. And apologize, and whatever. Was.... odd.

I even told him that night that it was waaaaay too soon to be idealizing about ways to see me. Like bro, it wasnt even past five minutes of me trying to whack you on the head? Give it time; Stockholm Syndrome is a thing......

(Especially since I could tell WHY he was, and describing to me the ways we could meet and whatever..... was gonna get my hopes up. I didnt need to be hurt, and i also reassured him that it was definitely too soon to suggest such a big commitment to me in terms of seeing me after a big moment like that went down.)

I'm grossed out hearing him say the truth. But, not like i expected any different. I just expected to hear "since i was afraid you would do something", but not "it was done out of 80% fear."

God.... eugh.

Whatever. No other option but to live with myself. I beat myself up too bad about it. I don't think abuse or violence should be condoned. (I sure the fuck didnt like some of the cruel shit being implied by him either, but violence was not the answer.)

He was fine. I was fine. And we got past it. If he agreed out of fear before, then he seems to decently trust me these days.

.....

But does he? He didn't tell me about Santa Cruz, for whatever reason. He's.... Eh.

Why do I even care? He's secretive, constantly impolite, and never grateful for anything in his life until its gone.

The only guy I know who would literally ask me to hold him as he cries so dramatically, just to dump me. Wouldn't give me back a fucking index card painting I made him, telling me both that are relationship was hopeless, but that he wanted to sentiment it heavily. (Fuck you, you dickhead! That was the only shit you had to do, and I would have moved on, happily, knowing you didnt have something heartfelt i had given just to overall call our relationship worthless two days later..... God, i hate him.)

I should have just stayed gone when I first dumped him. If he wanted to cry into his IKEA bed and weep to all his friends, "boo hoo, my girlfriend dumped me for keeping secrets and for defending a bitch who keeps being shady as fuck", then i should have let his ass cry, and stayed gone.

Hes such an asshole.

I don't regret the sex, though. It was not great, but, it got the job done.

Some orgasms.

Mild ego.

Somewhat sexual attraction to my ex, with a decent lack of emotional attachment to the guy.

....

My ex is such a weirdo.

It's why I disliked him, yet liked him, when we first hooked up. The overall vibe of "hes really hot, and pretty sweet, but hes got the emotional range of a stick."

Its kind of sad. I mean..... I don't know, hes got potential to be something popping. And it seems like he self sabotages himself. So much.

And now here I am, foolishly trying to expect a stick to be anything but a stick.

......

I never wanted things to be like this.

I avoided dating him, since:

I didn't want to be disappointed if he couldn't do basics in a relationship that anyone else could.

I didn't want to overwhelm someone incapable of giving love or security to a person with standards they could never meet.

The relationship surprised me, since:

He ended up being better than most of my exes, when he showed he actually liked me enough to show me the effort I wanted.

He seemed like he got the hang of it, and wasnt struggling to be emotionally available/honest/happy.

The relationship ended twice, because:

He showed me he was incapable of truly trusting me.

He's conflict avoidant.

Untrustworthy.

Never offers resolutions and prefers to push problems down, hoping theyll be forgotten, instead of realizing that problems only worsen if they are not directly met with confrontation and resolution being provided.

At the simple and fucking blatant request of "telling me would let me know how to resolve things or potentially make things better so she could be comfortable speaking to me, and so things can improve, and i could trust her and vice versa", nigga literally refused and made it blatantly clear..... even if it could be something positive, his ego would make him refuse any sort of resolution. Ive met people like that.... the relationships turned very "they get every single thing their way, or let the gaslighting and abuse begin" veeeeeery soon.

Since really nigga, why be shocked that I'm not happy at you refusing every single resolution, opportunity, or even the SLIGHTEST fucking attempt to better things? It made it clear he was gonna be a terrible boyfriend. If he can demand the right to put so little effort into his girlfriend being able to feel comfortable or trusting of him? Looking back that night, I loved our relationship, but i had never been more upset at him than i was that night.... Everything i said, in one ear and out of the other one. Christ, dude.

If I write anything more, I'll get pissed. :)

6:57pm.

I tend to write the good and the bad moments, since he is an odd guy.

All his signs point to "not interested or worthy or prepared for what comes with having an exclusive relationship with someone he would care about".

And his dick points to ME.

And his ability to actually follow any promise he makes, is usually gone with the wind in terms of what someone else wants. (Which i find fucked up, but clearly he does nothing to ever check on himself.)

So, if I can envision a vibe, and I want a vibe, and the only thing preventing a decent looking guy who I slightly resent sometimes, from being both inside me, in his house, or doing the things id like in a friendship like we have......

Is:

Waiting to establish trust and peace between us in a way that is more than just intense indifference between me and him

Setting boundaries

A few good hangouts with no expectations

Unabashed honesty

And being hot (this doesnt even need to be added, i already have this shit going always)

Then.... hell, why not. I was already gonna be mildly angsty, bored, horny, and needing to get out the house anyways.

So thats why i went there.

And here we are. Manifested shit. Got it.

He couldn't picture it, and i did. See how well that went? Oh look, nobody died at you hanging out with me. The world didnt end at us talking about Uncut Gems and painting. Your dick didnt fall off when you had gotten head! Maybe, just maybe, i am an amazing individual with no downsides.

No "maybe", even. Its just a pure fact.

And he doesnt see that; hence, why I was at home during his birthday party, and he was getting drunk.

Hence why I'm at home, all sweaty and bored, instead of anxiously texting him, happily, about what to bring to Santa Cruz.

I wouldn't be single, if not for him.

I would've been at that party, or having my texts read, if I was something he saw actual potential in.

......

All I can say is....

If I stay, it's since I see something there. Even if not a romance, since he sucks at those, once it means defending me or actually showing value in me over the toxic ass bitches stalking my ass over some shit that he admits was the highest level of bullshit.....

It's something somewhat desired. Not him, but something.

And if I leave, it's since I'm tired of him.

Nothing more to say, just that.

7:21pm. I did good today. Went shopping and out and about the night before, and didnt feel any misery. When i felt impending doom and depression trying to creep in, i went "lets go to sleep", and slept. Woke up fine, even if a little salty.

Made some new friends. Thanked the ones that I have known for years, ever since my junior year of high school, for being around. Told them i loved them. They told me it back. I adore them. ❤

And tomorrow, I get pedicures with my boss. I feel good. :)

Thats all.

Peace out, yalls. :)

[frogsandfries]

Pretty annoyed right now

My plan was to have a nice, pleasant morning, and this afternoon, hang out with a friend and probably her husband.

Instead.

My father's....... parasite woke up after I blew my nose too loudly or whatever and continued railing against him.

It actually started earlier this week, when we got some letters from my brother beseeching us to round up some letters from the place he worked before he left for marines (I don't think he necessarily quit). My dad and I agreed to go to the restaurant Friday to talk to my bro's ex.

So Friday gets here and we're leaving when the foul woman asks if she can go. She twists it so that she doesn't want to go, but she wants fries. She always want burgers and fries, soda and ice burgers burgers fries, but bring her burgers without asking and she wanted tacos or pizza and she'll bitch and whinge.

We left at about eleven.

We were at the restaurant about forty minutes chatting with his ex who, yes, was on the clock.

Then we went to do some other errands and stuff.

We didn't get back till like two!

When we get back, for the second time this week, she flips the fuck out, she's staaaaaarrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnngg!!!!! She orders my dad to take her to get fries.

I told dad before we even went back in that we should've bought them first thing and left them in the back of the truck all day and been like, here's ya fries.

The fucked up thing is, she's at the room all the time.

There are THREE LARGE TOTES, you know, the ones Wal-Mart sells in different colors all year, that size--my dad packed THREE OF THEM full of pantry/non- perishable food. They've all got like oatmeal and pancake mix and green beans and dried beans.

On top of that, this excuse of a human has like five reusable shopping bags of dried goods, pasta, more canned goods. No reasonable excuse for going hungry. And my dad has an "overflow" fridge in addition to the main fridge. Both fridges have plenty of food in them. If you sit on your ass, day in day out, and you're so hungry you can cry about your blood sugar levels, keep crying.

She doesn't just whine and fall silent like I do, knowing it's my fault/responsibility.

This waste of space, time and energy flips the fuck out and starts screaming--and yesterday dad took her to get the fucking fries. I don't know what happened in the vehicle, but when they got back, she was ranting how she was going to call and demand to know what it would take to get hired and my dad was GOING to be available to drive her to work a couple towns over (she still has her own very valid driver's license). I took to ignoring her with my headphones off which she didn't like.

This morning, she was off and running, reaching maximum volume at like, six in the morning, talking utterly bizarre nonsense about how I should go to church since it's Easter (which is bullshit that she can remember it's Easter but she suuuuuupppppppooooooooosedlyyyyy can't remember what day it is) and again with the how fat I am and stupid and lazy blah blah blah.

Please, tell me how lazy I am. Sure, I pretty much took the first job that came along, but you're fucking crazy if you think I wouldn't. I'm going to get my license, fix my van, get a better job, finish my degree and tell my womb donor to go to hell. She can keep telling herself what a great mother she was, but I'm so tempted to remind her of all the times she beat her own daughter till she broke skin--one time with an oversized fly swatter; another time, she jumped on her own daughter like an animal. I'm t tempted to remind her that her daughter has digestive disorders that keep her weight low, while she's a fucking ocean liner and lazier than a walrus with more blubber to boot and she jumped on her daughter like an animal.

I'd love for this for this sick bitch to come after me just once. But she's too much of a coward. I'd take one hit, and that's all I'd need. I'm a pacifist, but that doesn't preclude me from defending myself and doesn't mean I don't know exactly where to aim twelve years of abuse survival feelings. I fucking know exactly who hurt me inside, and I know exactly who has crippled my ability to push my potential to its furthest degree. She will never come after me again after I bested her as a young teenager. I only wish I'd taken advantage of the opportunity then to fully defend myself.

So I figured my dad would just take me down to the store while the freak cooled off and we'd be back, so I didn't bother grabbing something to do while he plays around with all this crap in the storage bin. Nope. We grabbed some donuts (unfortunately the grocery store's hot food bar, hot food being what I really wanted, was not open today, which has me pretty grouchy; all I wanted was some ham and bacon and quiche or eggs or whatever, and toast and pancakes) and headed to the bus so he can play with the storage bin crap while I sit here and stew. I should've brought something more than just my phone.... because now I'm incredibly bored as well as irritated and annoyed..... and hungry. And he wants to be here all day, which is even more annoying. I don't want to be annoying and ask him to take me back because he's not going to turn around and come back out here, but I'm so bored and having something to do with my hands, bead rolling or stitching, or even writing, would help me vent better.....

Just, way for some fucking people to be....